Krampus (2015)

1. I come tonight to warn you that you will be

2. visited by three spirits.

3. What?

4. Was that the chance and hope that you mentioned, Jacob?

5. It was.

6. And you have yet the chance and hope of escaping my fate.

7. A chance and hope of my procuring, Ebenezer.

8. Thank you, Jacob.

9. Expect the first when the bell tolls 1:00.

10. Shut up, Beth!

11. I don't care who started it, Max.

12. Ben Kuklinski started it and everybody knows it.

13. You even have the whole thing on video.

14. And you're gonna write an apology

15. to the rest of your class for ruining the recital.

16. What were you thinking, Max?

17. That kid was twice your size.

18. Yeah, but Ben Kuklinski is always ragging on Christmas.

19. He even told the first graders

20. that Santa was just a cheap marketing ploy

21. invented to sell Pepsi.

22. Coke. You know what I mean.

23. But not why you care.

24. Well, someone's got to.

25. Here, let me see. Ow, ow, ow, ow.

26. Eh, it's not so bad. Just keep icing it.

27. And was dropkicking him into the manger

28. really the best way to handle this?

29. Okay, that was not my fault. I was under the influence.

30. All I had to eat was Christmas fudge and candy canes.

31. Well, I hate to sound harsh,

32. but every kid has to learn the truth someday.

33. Oh, I know. I just...

34. I didn't want it ruined.

35. For the little kids.

36. But is this a war on Christmas,

37. a war on over-political correctness...

38. Looks great, Mom.

39. or a bunch of people who are just way too easily offended?

40. Don't work too hard, though. Sarah bought

41. a bunch of cookies at the store.

42. It's Roger.

43. Thought you said you weren't working over Christmas?

44. I said no traveling over Christmas.

45. I still have to take a few calls.

46. Hey, Roger, what's up?

47. Wait, guys, aren't we still gonna watch Charlie Brown

48. and wrap Christmas presents like always?

49. You know what? After what you pulled, you can do that alone.

50. And quick. Your cousins get here any minute.

51. Yeah, Roger.

52. It's a Christmas cluster-eff over here.

53. Beth, help me hang this.

54. Wait, Mom, aren't we gonna watch Charlie Brown?

55. I started,

56. but I don't know what to ask for this year.

57. Because they are family, Beth.

58. And it's only for a few days.

59. Well, I'm not sharing my room with girls who pee standing up.

60. Last year I found shit in my bed, Mom.

61. Human shit.

62. For the last time, that was their dog!

63. "They're why some people shouldn't be allowed to breed!"

64. Your words, Mom, not mine!

65. I never said that!

66. I said maybe they should have to take a test

67. before they're allowed to breed.

68. Thanks, Omi.

69. Omi? Hmm?

70. Do you still really believe in Santa?

71. What do you mean?

72. Yeah.

73. My cousins are crawling out of the shallow end of the gene pool,

74. so everyone's a little on edge.

75. Your mom popping Xanax again?

76. Like candy.

77. Tonight we're making a Japanese snowflake tree or some crap.

78. Takes a lot of work to make our family

79. look more awesome than it actually is, you know?

80. I like snowflakes,

81. but I like my plan a lot better.

82. Very enticing, but I think I'm stuck here.

83. Come on,

84. people have escaped from Alcatraz before, and I'm only four blocks away.

85. What? What's wrong?

86. Everything.

87. Oh, crap. Oh, crap.

88. Will you two knock it off?

89. Howie, stop ringing the doorbell!

90. - Well, carry something! - Howie, cut it out!

91. - Help me with the bags. - Dad, you carry it.

92. It's Christmas. It's Christmas. It's Christmas.

93. Merry Christmas!

94. Hey, sis. Merry Christmas.

95. Oh, gosh, I'm so glad you guys could make it.

96. You have no idea.

97. Accidents all over the freeways,

98. and nothing but crazy talk radio

99. for six hours. Mmm.

100. Hey. We brought you a little taste of home, though, didn't we?

101. Oh, wow.

102. Thank you. It looks...

103. Wow.

104. - You're welcome. - Come on, Linda, move it, move it.

105. We don't have to keep the traffic jam going now.

106. Howard, let me help you.

107. - It's all right, Tom. - Thanks, Tommy.

108. Sorry about that.

109. What, you give the butler the night off, did you?

110. Tom, don't worry about it.

111. Yeah, we uh, brought Rosie.

112. You don't have a cat, do you?

113. It's fine. It's fine, right?

114. It's fine.

115. Merry Christmas, girls. Come on in.

116. Don't you look cute in your matching jackets.

117. They're just a little cranky

118. because the Steelers lost, so...

119. Uh, Jordan, Stevie,

120. why don't you tell your Aunt Sarah

121. about your Presidential Fitness Award, huh?

122. It's a good story.

123. Hey, Howie.

124. So, what did you ask Santa for this year?

125. - Really nice. - They did look pretty good.

126. It looks bigger in here.

127. Toy car?

128. Look what Max has got in his pocket.

129. A letter to Santa.

130. Video games?

131. Phone?

132. Dialysis?

133. - That long fucking drive. - Thank you, guys.

134. Where do you want this stuff, Tom?

135. - Just anywhere? - Yeah.

136. Christ on a stick, would it kill you to shovel your walk?

137. I could've broken a hip out there.

138. Surprise!

139. Please don't be mad.

140. Oh, Aunt Dorothy, it's so great to see you.

141. Yeah, well, your sister's no Mother Teresa,

142. but at least she swings by

143. every once in a while to make sure that I'm not dead.

144. So, where's the nog?

145. I need to get merry.

146. Uh, It's in the kitchen.

147. Help yourself.

148. Oh, Tom, let me take that. I'm sorry.

149. That's okay.

150. Lord Almighty.

151. Looks like Martha Stewart threw up in here.

152. - We left the door open. Sorry about that. - No. No, no, no.

153. We're such a mess, honestly.

154. Six hours, I mean, come on. Uh...

155. Sorry, wasn't there another...

156. Mmm?

157. Child?

158. Chrissy! Darn it!

159. Jordan, I told you to bring her inside!

160. Not my kid.

161. Come on, girls.

162. Tommy, help me get the baby

163. and the rest of the girl crap out of the truck.

164. Do you mind? Thank you.

165. All right.

166. Let's make some memories, huh?

167. Thank you, honey. Thank you. Oh, my goodness.

168. A holiday roast is a surprise.

169. Hemorrhoids are a surprise.

170. She is a goddamn nightmare. What were you thinking?

171. Come on, she's not that bad. Oh.

172. She's not!

173. Besides, she tricked me, okay?

174. I thought we were just dropping off gifts,

175. and she came to the door with a suitcase.

176. What was I supposed to do? Tell her she has to spend Christmas by herself?

177. No, but at least you could have warned me

178. when one of your mistakes is gonna become my problem.

179. You think everything I do is a mistake.

180. Sorry. Look out. Look out.

181. Hey, honey. Ooh. Oh.

182. I think this warhead's armed.

183. Wow, you're so stinky.

184. Okay, I'm gonna go change her.

185. Let's go this way.

186. Just set that up wherever you want, T.

187. The whole truck smells like shit.

188. So, what's for dinner?

189. That's my boy!

190. That's my boy!

191. It sure is.

192. I'm getting Howie Junior into game shape.

193. By the time he gets to high school,

194. he's gonna be the biggest lineman in the state.

195. Did you ever spend any time on the field, Tommy?

196. No, actually, I didn't have time in my younger years.

197. I was in training mostly.

198. What were you training for? Uh...

199. Army? Marines?

200. It was the Eagle Scouts.

201. Eagle Scouts.

202. Now, Eagle Scouts, kids,

203. that's where you weave baskets

204. and help little old ladies across the street.

205. Am I right? No, no.

206. No, no, no. It was actually quite a bit of survival training.

207. So...

208. Well, the only survival training I need is my ol' smoke pole,

209. and a big, fat box of buckshot

210. that I keep out in that truck.

211. A shepherd has got to protect his flock.

212. Honey, we said no gun talk at the dinner table.

213. This family needs a little gun talk,

214. whether it's at the dinner table, or anywhere else.

215. - Wow. - You know what I'm saying?

216. Looks like Chrissy's really enjoying my gravlax.

217. Careful, kids.

218. Remember that your Aunt Sarah likes

219. everything to be clean and perfect,

220. and that's why she makes so much food that you can't pronounce.

221. Well, I just thought you guys might like a break

222. from macaroni and cheese with hot dogs.

223. Yeah, okay.

224. Well, you were wrong.

225. And who doesn't make a ham at Christmas?

226. What are you now, a Jew?

227. Maybe it's time for dessert, hmm?

228. It's delicious, honey.

229. It's a little dry.

230. Okay. Well, mine's delicious.

231. Well, I guess I should've gotten your bird.

232. You can just say something nice.

233. I'll say it when she gets back, if dessert's good.

234. Well, if you could just do me a favor.

235. - Tell him about Santa. - Just say something nice about dessert.

236. Hey, Maxi-Pad.

237. Hear what happened to Santa?

238. No, Stevie. What happened to Santa?

239. Heard it on the news.

240. His sleigh crashed in the Rockies.

241. Shattered both his legs.

242. Frostbite took care of his pain, but not his hunger.

243. So, to survive, he had to slaughter and eat his reindeer.

244. Including Rudolph.

245. "Ate" tiny reindeer. Get it?

246. Knock it off!

247. Don't start anything.

248. Hey, guys, take it easy.

249. They're just playing, Tommy.

250. Macaroni and cheese and hot dogs.

251. Oh, Jesus.

252. So, what kind of godforsaken concoction are you whipping up now?

253. You know how this fancy food clogs my pipes.

254. Well, how about we go to your trailer

255. for Christmas next year, hmm?

256. And after you've spent weeks decorating and cooking and cleaning,

257. I might just waddle in and start bitching and moaning

258. about everything you've worked so hard on.

259. Oh, Sarah, you know...

260. No, Aunt Dorothy, please.

261. For your sake,

262. just stay the hell out of my kitchen.

263. You know, reindeer are actually

264. a sustainable food source

265. in the Northern Territories and Alaska. Canada.

266. This time of year

267. we refer to reindeer as a transportation system for Santa Claus.

268. We know you still believe in the big, fat creeper.

269. I don't know what you're talking about.

270. You sure about that?

271. Max, stop.

272. "Dear Santa,

273. "I know I haven't been great this year, and I'm sorry for that,

274. "but I was really hoping you could help out

275. "me and my family this Christmas.

276. "We need you."

277. Oh, Maxi-Pad, that's so sweet.

278. Give it back!

279. Stop, Max.

280. Blah, blah, blah, bullshit, bullshit.

281. Ah. Here we go, Maxi's wish list.

282. Stevie, stop. That's enough.

283. Wait, you're up first, Beth.

284. "I wish me and Beth could hang out like we used to.

285. "You might have noticed that I don't have tons of friends."

286. Oh, no, really, Max?

287. "I wish my mom and dad could fall in love again.

288. "I know they get upset a lot,

289. "with Dad away from home so much.

290. "I think they really just miss each other.

291. "Also, I wish things weren't so hard

292. "for Uncle Howard and Aunt Linda.

293. "So, maybe you can lend them a hand the rest of the year, too.

294. "And...

295. "And that..."

296. Screw you! Dad does not wish we were boys!

297. Okay. Who wants crème brûlée?

298. Give me the letter! Give me it back!

299. Hey, Max.

300. Hey.

301. - Hey! - Girls!

302. Hey! Hey!

303. Come on, Howard. Stevie, Jordan.

304. Come on.

305. All right, all right, that's enough.

306. Are you okay? Honey?

307. I just wanted Christmas to be like it used to be, but forget it.

308. I hate Christmas!

309. I hate all of you!

310. Max. Max!

311. Oh, lay off of him.

312. Kid deserves a prize just for telling the truth.

313. - Can I come in? - No.

314. You know, they're leaving right after Christmas,

315. so we only have to survive another three days.

316. I don't get it.

317. Every year it gets worse.

318. Why do we have to put up with their crap just because we share DNA?

319. Because that's what a family is, Max.

320. People you try to be friends with,

321. even though you don't have a whole lot in common.

322. But why? Because...

323. Well...

324. Okay, you kind of got me there.

325. Or maybe it makes us work a little harder

326. to find what we do have in common, you know?

327. Put everything aside, think of other people for a change.

328. Friends, family,

329. even the assholes you normally can't stand.

330. Like Uncle Howard?

331. Didn't wanna name names.

332. Dad, do you really believe in all that?

333. I want to, Max.

334. But, hey, bet there's still time

335. to drop that letter in the mailbox, huh?

336. Don't you find it the least bit strange?

337. I mean, they can see dust specks on Mars,

338. but no one noticed a giant blizzard hurtling towards us.

339. Well, as soon as the power's back,

340. you can write an angry e-mail

341. to the National Weather Service.

342. But in the meantime, let's just try and stay calm.

343. Mom, there's something weird outside.

344. I am calm.

345. I would just be calmer if I knew

346. how we were gonna survive Christmas

347. with 12 people stuck in a house

348. with no hot water, no heat, and no electricity.

349. Or food.

350. Well, there's plenty of leftovers, Howard.

351. Beer it is.

352. Phone's dead, too.

353. Mom! What, Max?

354. There's a snowman in our yard.

355. See?

356. That's... That's great, Max.

357. But who built it?

358. You can barely see across the street,

359. but it doesn't look like it's just us.

360. I can walk over, check with the Turners.

361. The Turners are in Hawaii.

362. The Lamberts are in Florida,

363. and the Cartwrights stopped talking to us

364. after Max's noodle incident.

365. After his what?

366. Max, please go and get Omi out of the fireplace

367. before she burns the whole house down.

368. I'll get it!

369. Fine.

370. Seriously, what are we gonna do?

371. Merry Christmas. Whoa!

372. Sign here. Yeah.

373. Wow.

374. Honey, stuff to carry.

375. Some weather, huh?

376. Yeah, it's a ghost town out there.

377. Roads are a nightmare.

378. Yeah, no kidding.

379. Hey, these, too?

380. Uh, not mine.

381. - Uh, must be from the boys in brown. - All right.

382. Merry Christmas. Yeah, you, too.

383. What is it?

384. Hey, look at this, huh?

385. What?

386. They got more stuff.

387. Man, how come rich people get all the free shit?

388. I don't know, honey. Democrats, probably.

389. Oh, my God!

390. - Argh! - Who needs this much cheese?

391. It's one singular moment.

392. You guys, I've texted Derek, like, nine times,

393. and he still hasn't written back.

394. That is not normal.

395. It's the blizzard, honey. Nothing's working right now.

396. Then can I walk over and check on him?

397. It's only a few blocks.

398. I don't think that's a good idea.

399. Well, I could see if anyone else has power on the way.

400. She'll be fine.

401. Okay. One hour.

402. But when you get back, I want you to spend

403. some girl time with Jordan and Stevie.

404. Got it?

405. You call that a reversal?

406. Come on, Jordy, plant your feet!

407. Plant your feet.

408. All right. Here we go. Right.

409. Again. You know what I mean.

410. Thanks.

411. Be careful, okay?

412. Okay. Back later.

413. Love you. One hour.

414. Okay.

415. Max, I told you to get Omi out of the...

416. She says hot chocolate makes everything better.

417. Oh, my God.

418. Please!

419. Somebody help me!

420. Please!

421. Get anything?

422. No.

423. It's the weirdest thing. There's no cars,

424. no people, not even a salt truck.

425. Don't suppose you got me

426. a backup generator for Christmas, did you?

427. Yeah, it's under the tree, next to your ties and underwear.

428. Good.

429. It's getting late.

430. Beth should be home by now.

431. She's fine. She's at Derek's.

432. All the more reason to worry.

433. Hey, hon, relax. Just for once. Okay?

434. How's everybody else doing?

435. You know, cranky, bored,

436. sick of the snow.

437. And each other.

438. 'Tis the season.

439. Oh, God, I miss us.

440. Me, too.

441. Mom, Dad.

442. It's already dark out and Beth isn't back yet.

443. Hey, Howard.

444. Do you think your Hummer could get through this mess?

445. Lucinda?

446. I could point her due east, hit the gas,

447. and she'd be storming the beaches at Normandy by sunrise.

448. What's on your mind, T?

449. Well, it's Beth.

450. She went to her boyfriend's earlier

451. and she hasn't come back yet.

452. See?

453. Let them out of your sight for one second, and boom, shotgun wedding.

454. Aunt Dorothy, please.

455. Well, you ought to know.

456. It's probably nothing.

457. But I thought we'd go pick her up,

458. take a quick swing around town,

459. see what's going on out there.

460. A little recon mission, huh?

461. Thought you'd never ask.

462. Okay.

463. Go to Mama. Yep.

464. All righty.

465. Thomas. Thomas.

466. What? Why?

467. What the hell is she so riled up about?

468. She says not to go.

469. That it's too dangerous, and that we should wait until the storm's over.

470. Tom. No, I got this.

471. Hey, Mom, we have to go pick up Beth,

472. but Max and Sarah will take care of you while I'm gone. Okay?

473. Mom. Hey, Mom, listen.

474. Everything's gonna be okay.

475. Global warming, my ass.

476. Must be -20 out here.

477. This just doesn't make any sense.

478. You try AM? Yeah, I tried everything.

479. The storm probably knocked out the radio stations, too.

480. I guess so.

481. What I wouldn't give for a little Bing Crosby right about now.

482. Wait, wait, wait. Slow down.

483. What is that?

484. Is that a snowplow?

485. Hello?

486. Christ.

487. Poor bastard must have sailed clear through.

488. Looks more like the opposite.

489. What do you mean?

490. The glass is punched in.

491. We gotta find Beth.

492. You packed guns on Christmas.

493. Always be prepared, Boy Scout.

494. It's kind of heavy.

495. Yeah.

496. It's Linda's.

497. Oh, my gosh.

498. You had Mom's angel this whole time?

499. Yeah, I thought you knew.

500. No.

501. Oh.

502. Remember how we used to fight over who got to place her?

503. Yeah, and you fought dirty.

504. I think I still have the scars.

505. Where do you think my girls get it from?

506. Wow. You saved everything.

507. Yeah.

508. I figured that's what Mom would have done, you know.

509. Mom?

510. Probably just squirrels.

511. In this weather?

512. See?

513. - Squirrels. - Right.

514. Probably playing with their nuts.

515. Beth?

516. Derek!

517. Beth!

518. Quiet, Tommy. I don't like this.

519. Whoever did this is a demented son of a bitch.

520. Don't worry. We'll find her, buddy.

521. Looks like a gas line blew.

522. What's that?

523. I've hunted a lot of game in my day.

524. Those are hooves.

525. Big ones, too.

526. Could be an elk or a goat.

527. What kind of goat walks on its hind legs?

528. Beth!

529. - Beth! - Help me!

530. Beth!

531. Help!

532. Beth!

533. Beth!

534. Beth!

535. Tommy!

536. Wait up!

537. Howard!

538. Oh, my God!

539. Hold on, Howard!

540. Help! Oh, God!

541. Tommy!

542. Something's biting me!

543. Don't let go!

544. Tommy?

545. Let's go!

546. What was that thing?

547. I don't know, but we have to move!

548. Oh, my God. Oh!

549. Lucinda!

550. Where do you think you're going?

551. To find them. I don't like this.

552. What are you talking about?

553. Tom and Howard know what they're doing. They're fine.

554. - Are they? - Mom?

555. Honey, I'll be right back. I promise.

556. Just lock the door.

557. Max, get the first aid kit! Sarah, lock the door.

558. Girls! Make some room for your dad! Oh, my God!

559. Get the door, shut the door!

560. Where's Beth?

561. We heard gunshots!

562. I'll explain everything,

563. but right now everybody just needs to stay calm and stay inside!

564. Get away from the windows!

565. Swords, guns, knives, pots, pans, get whatever you can...

566. Howard! What?

567. Not here.

568. Jiminy Christmas.

569. What happened out there?

570. Nothing.

571. It's just a scratch.

572. Oh, my God. it looks like something bit you!

573. Nope.

574. Probably a bear trap under the snow or something.

575. We don't have bears here.

576. Okay. Um...

577. Kids, why don't you go into the kitchen

578. and get something to eat now, okay?

579. You just don't wanna tell us what's really going on here!

580. Everybody, in the kitchen right now, Max! Okay? Right now.

581. Come on, let's go. Girls. Come on. It's okay.

582. Aunt Dorothy, will you keep an eye on them?

583. Why me?

584. I never liked kids, even when I was one.

585. Please.

586. Oh, all right. All right!

587. Come on, guys, I'm gonna teach you

588. how to make peppermint schnapps.

589. Mom.

590. Mom. Will you please go into the kitchen and help with the kids?

591. Come here, baby.

592. See? A little sugar and a little spice

593. makes everything nice.

594. Mmm.

595. All right. But don't you rat me out.

596. But who or what did all this?

597. Your guess is as good as mine.

598. First I thought it was a gang thing,

599. but between this and all the crazy stuff we saw out there,

600. it just doesn't add up.

601. It could be terrorists, right?

602. Yeah, terrorists.

603. Maybe traded their suicide vests for rabid snow dogs?

604. Tommy!

605. Tom, God! Sorry. Sorry.

606. Um...

607. And Beth?

608. Okay. She wasn't at Derek's, but that doesn't mean anything.

609. She may have found somewhere safe.

610. So, she's still out there.

611. Yes. And we will find her, I promise.

612. But I had to make sure you guys were safe. I had to get Howard back...

613. I don't care how long it takes, Tom.

614. We have to keep looking.

615. We have to pair up and take turns... Yes.

616. We can't go back out there! You see this?

617. It's damn near frostbite.

618. In under four minutes!

619. Honey, keep your voice down.

620. Besides it being sub-zero out there,

621. someone's tearing through your fancy-ass neighborhood

622. picking everybody off.

623. It's the truth!

624. Honey, sweetheart. Listen, why don't we just leave?

625. Right? We can all pile in the truck

626. and we'll just see as far as we can get,

627. - and we pick up Beth... - The truck's gone.

628. Torn to pieces.

629. - What? - What?

630. Yeah. And even if she wasn't, the streets are totally screwed.

631. We can't go anywhere. It's too dangerous. You got it?

632. Howard, how much ammo do you have?

633. A couple shells still loaded, maybe a dozen in my pocket.

634. Why?

635. I think our best bet is to stay put.

636. Board up all the doors and windows.

637. And as soon as the weather breaks, we'll go find her.

638. I told you we should've gone to my brother's.

639. Sure, Howard. Christmas on a pig farm.

640. Jesus was born in a barn!

641. Knock it off, you guys!

642. What about the kids? What are we gonna tell them?

643. I don't know. The truth?

644. Sure. Which version of it?

645. Hey, you guys. Oh, God.

646. How much of that did you hear?

647. Enough.

648. Mama, did someone take Beth?

649. Are they coming for us?

650. No. No, babies. No, everything's fine.

651. Beth's just with her boyfriend, that's all.

652. And nothing bad's gonna happen on Christmas, right?

653. You know what, let's have a campout, okay? We'll watch a movie. Yeah?

654. Let's get cozy on the couch.

655. Go get your sister, Stevie.

656. Come on, baby. Come on.

657. We'll find her, I promise.

658. "And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them.

659. "And the glory of the Lord shone round about them.

660. "And they were so afraid.

661. "And the angel said unto them,

662. "'Fear not. For behold, I bring you tidings of great joy..."'

663. Won't the battery die?

664. Gotta die sometime.

665. Might as well enjoy it while we can.

666. Hey.

667. Beth's a tough girl.

668. Takes after her mom.

669. I'm sure she's fine.

670. Thank you.

671. Hey, Tommy.

672. I, uh...

673. I just wanna say thanks for, you know,

674. saving my ass back there.

675. Oh, well, sure. No problem.

676. And I just wanna say I'm sorry

677. for thinking you're such a spineless dick all these years.

678. Yeah.

679. You should get some sleep, pal.

680. How?

681. Good point.

682. Hey, Dad?

683. Are we gonna die?

684. Hey. No, no.

685. No.

686. Omi's been acting different.

687. Ever since the storm.

688. Yeah, well, you know,

689. she always gets a little weird around Christmas.

690. How come?

691. I don't know. She never wanted to talk about it.

692. Max. Come on.

693. Time for bed.

694. It's gonna be fine.

695. All right.

696. You know, Linda and I, we butt heads,

697. but I can't imagine life without her.

698. Yeah, I know what you mean.

699. One of us should probably stay up and keep watch.

700. That's a good idea. I'll go first.

701. No. You go ahead and catch some winks with your family.

702. - Are you sure? - Yeah.

703. A shepherd has got to protect his flock.

704. Night, Howard. Good night.

705. Howie!

706. Dad! Dad!

707. Hang on, Howie!

708. Dad!

709. Sarah! Hold on, Sarah!

710. - Mom! - Call 911!

711. Howie, hold on!

712. Hold on!

713. Max, get the fire extinguisher!

714. Help me! Help me! Help me!

715. Sarah! I got you!

716. Pull me down!

717. I got you!

718. Hey!

719. No!

720. Howie!

721. No, no, no!

722. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

723. Honey? Are you okay? Are you hurt? Hon?

724. What unholy thing was that?

725. Howard. Howard.

726. It's my fault. No.

727. I fell asleep.

728. And they got our boy. It's all my fault.

729. Tom, what's she saying?

730. This is all of our fault?

731. He's come for us all?

732. He? Who?

733. Who's he? I don't know.

734. Mom, what are you talking about?

735. Please. Listen.

736. English. I knew it.

737. I must tell you something.

738. To all of you.

739. It started with the wind.

740. On a cold winter night, much like this.

741. It was almost Christmas.

742. But this Christmas was darker. Less cheerful.

743. But I still believed in Santa.

744. In magic,

745. and miracles.

746. And the hope that we could find joy again.

747. But our village had given up.

748. On miracles, and on each other.

749. They had forgotten the spirit of Christmas.

750. The sacrifice of giving.

751. And my family was no different.

752. I tried to help them to believe again,

753. but we were no longer the loving family I remembered.

754. They, too, had given up.

755. And eventually, so did I.

756. And for the first time, I didn't wish for a miracle.

757. I wished for them to go away.

758. A wish I would come to regret.

759. And that night,

760. in the darkness of a howling blizzard,

761. I got my wish.

762. I knew Saint Nicholas was not coming this year.

763. Instead, it was a much darker, more ancient spirit.

764. The shadow of Saint Nicholas.

765. It was Krampus.

766. And as he had for thousands of years,

767. Krampus came not to reward, but to punish.

768. Not to give, but to take.

769. He and his helpers.

770. I could only listen as they dragged my family into the underworld,

771. knowing that I would be next.

772. But Krampus didn't take me that night.

773. He left me as a reminder of what happens when hope is lost,

774. when belief is forgotten,

775. and the Christmas spirit dies.

776. And here I thought I was the one losing it.

777. Howard. What?

778. You believe this senile horseshit? I don't know.

779. Evil Santa? Jesus H. Almighty.

780. She'll be yammering about a rabid Easter Bunny come Spring.

781. Howard, that's enough.

782. You damn right it's enough.

783. Whoever the hell's messing with us

784. took my boy and your daughter,

785. and we're sitting around listening to some twisted bedtime story?

786. Screw that.

787. - I'm getting Howie back. - Howard!

788. Daddy? Daddy, don't go! Howard, what are you doing?

789. - Tommy, don't! - Stay with us, please!

790. - Don't, Tommy! - Daddy, don't!

791. Whoa!

792. I'm starting to like you.

793. I am.

794. But this is my choice.

795. Howard, what are you doing?

796. We've got four other kids here to protect.

797. Howard.

798. Baby, please don't do this.

799. Listen, we can figure something else out. Honey.

800. This is how I figure things out.

801. Howard, you don't wanna do this.

802. Howard!

803. Howie!

804. Howie!

805. No, shut the door!

806. Inside! Shut it!

807. Don't open the door.

808. Dad?

809. What are we gonna do now?

810. We keep the fire hot.

811. But what if you've been good, like, all year?

812. And you leave out milk and cookies,

813. and do everything else right?

814. It's not what you do.

815. It's what you believe.

816. And what you've given up

817. in here.

818. But can't we make him go away?

819. What's she saying?

820. I'm not sure.

821. She says we're fucked.

822. Eh.

823. How did you...

824. Because I'm old enough to know when life is coming at you

825. with his pants down.

826. Hey.

827. When they took Howie, what did you see up there?

828. You believe that story, right?

829. Do you?

830. I don't know what I believe anymore.

831. I know I'm going out there to find Beth. I have to.

832. I don't even care if I die trying. I know.

833. Listen. Let's get Howard and Linda. I have an idea.

834. Linda.

835. Can we talk with you and Howard for a minute?

836. Can it wait?

837. I just wanna get these rewrapped for the kids.

838. It's important.

839. The snowplow?

840. The keys were in the ignition and it was beat to hell.

841. But if it runs, I drive it back here,

842. then everyone piles in the car

843. and follows, while I clear a path in front of us.

844. And go where?

845. The mall doubles as an emergency shelter.

846. And if it's empty, we'll try the police station.

847. And what if they're gone, too?

848. Then we keep driving till we see lights or people,

849. plowed road, somewhere safe for the kids.

850. And then we bring help back here.

851. For Beth and Howie.

852. You're not thinking of going for the plow by yourself, are you?

853. Well, shepherd has got to protect his flock.

854. I can't believe you're afraid to come up here by yourself.

855. It's not my fault Aunt Dorothy clogged up the crapper.

856. Hey, Stevie?

857. Yeah?

858. Do you think they took Howie

859. because of the time we painted the cats?

860. I don't know, Jordan.

861. Do you think he's dead?

862. I don't know.

863. Jordan?

864. Stevie?

865. Beth?

866. Beth, you up there?

867. Stevie? Jordan?

868. What are you doing?

869. Where have you been? Everyone's freaking out.

870. Come up here and I'll show you.

871. I've been waiting for you guys.

872. Hurry.

873. Have you told Max yet?

874. No. Not yet.

875. Jordan?

876. Stevie!

877. Where are they? Where did they go?

878. They were just here.

879. I think they went to the bathroom.

880. And you just let them go?

881. Was there another option?

882. Jordan!

883. Stevie? Jordan? Linda.

884. Listen.

885. Honey, who is that?

886. Howard, stay here.

887. Omi? Hmm?

888. I think all this might be my fault.

889. Uncle Howard?

890. Rosie.

891. Come here, girl.

892. Useless turd.

893. All right, wait here.

894. Jordan?

895. Stevie?

896. Okay. Okay.

897. Jordan.

898. Stevie?

899. You guys.

900. The hell is this?

901. God damn it.

902. It's okay. I got you.

903. You're gonna be okay.

904. What...

905. Oh, come on!

906. Hey!

907. Oh, my God!

908. - No! - Jordan! No!

909. Oh, my God!

910. Shoot it, Tom! Shoot it!

911. For God's sake, shoot it!

912. Linda!

913. We should have gone to my brother's.

914. Where did it go? I don't know!

915. Oh, my God.

916. Ow!

917. - Bear! - What?

918. Bear!

919. Oh, my God!

920. You have got to be kidding me!

921. Merry Christmas, mother...

922. There he is! Charge!

923. That's a good girl.

924. Get off of me!

925. Stevie?

926. Stevie!

927. Hey! Give me back my kids, you fudger!

928. Jordan!

929. Stevie. I'm coming, baby.

930. Stevie. Baby.

931. It's okay.

932. Mama's here. Mama's here. There you go!

933. Mom, it got Jordan.

934. It was gonna eat me next.

935. Thanks, honey.

936. Are you okay? Are you okay?

937. What?

938. Mom!

939. Max!

940. Come on, baby. Come on, baby. It's okay.

941. Max, are you okay? Yeah.

942. What happened up there?

943. They got Jordan. Who?

944. Mom?

945. I think it's panicking, trying to get outside.

946. Well, we boarded everything up.

947. Howard, that's Jordan.

948. We gotta get in there.

949. We gotta get in there and get her out.

950. Linda, what are we dealing with? What did you see up there?

951. You don't wanna know, sweetheart.

952. Honey, I just got my ass kicked

953. by a bunch of Christmas cookies,

954. so trust me when I say I can take it!

955. Max, what are you doing?

956. Go get them, girl.

957. Get them, Rosie.

958. Rosie?

959. For God's sake, Howard, shoot it!

960. Dad!

961. Get it off me!

962. Dad!

963. You bitch!

964. Get it off me! God!

965. Dad!

966. Dad!

967. Omi!

968. Aunt Dorothy.

969. Finish it.

970. With pleasure.

971. Oh, shit.

972. Max, be careful!

973. Mom!

974. Stay behind me!

975. Howard, where's Chrissy? I don't know!

976. Where's the baby?

977. Honey, where's your sister?

978. No!

979. No, Linda! No!

980. Howard!

981. Howard, the baby!

982. I'll see you in hell.

983. Twisted fairytale horseshit!

984. Howard, no!

985. Oh, great!

986. Are you okay?

987. Are you okay?

988. Max, get the ammo.

989. Where did they go?

990. I'm more worried about when they come back.

991. We need to make a break for it.

992. For what, Tom?

993. The snowplow. It's our only shot.

994. And then we're going after them.

995. What is going on?

996. Sarah, what's going on?

997. Mom, come on, we're leaving.

998. You're gonna be okay.

999. Mom! We have to go. Now!

1000. It's him.

1001. Let's go.

1002. Max. Max. Come, come, come.

1003. - Hurry, hurry. - Get your gloves on.

1004. Here, put your hood up.

1005. Okay, ready?

1006. Everybody...

1007. Hold onto each other.

1008. Omi!

1009. Be good.

1010. Omi!

1011. Omi! Omi, no!

1012. Omi!

1013. Mom!

1014. Mom, open the door!

1015. Mom!

1016. Mom, you open this door now!

1017. The window.

1018. Dad!

1019. She wants to face him.

1020. She's trying to help.

1021. Let's go.

1022. Let's go, let's go. Go!

1023. Keep moving!

1024. Go! Go, get behind me. Go.

1025. Go, go, go! Keep moving.

1026. Come on, buddy.

1027. Come on.

1028. You have to go. You have to go.

1029. I need you to go! No.

1030. All of you, you have to go. Do you understand?

1031. Keep driving. Do you understand?

1032. I love you.

1033. I love you, buddy.

1034. Go! Now. Go!

1035. Go!

1036. Come on!

1037. Come on.

1038. Keep going, keep going. God, get in.

1039. I want you to get up in here.

1040. And I don't want you to move, okay?

1041. You stay here, you don't move.

1042. Okay? You understand?

1043. Mom! Mom, please!

1044. Sarah!

1045. Baby, go with your Aunt Sarah.

1046. Sarah! Go! Go on!

1047. Stevie, sweetheart, it's okay. Mom!

1048. It's okay. Come on. No! Mom!

1049. Sarah!

1050. Stay here. I'll be right back.

1051. Sarah!

1052. Mom! No!

1053. I love you. Mom! Mom!

1054. Mom!

1055. Max, we gotta go.

1056. Max, we gotta go. Max.

1057. Come on.

1058. Come on.

1059. It's not starting. It's not starting.

1060. Why isn't it starting? Come on.

1061. Come on! Come on, Max, please. I'm trying.

1062. I don't even know how to drive a stick!

1063. We have a hybrid!

1064. Come on! Please!

1065. Get off of me!

1066. Stevie! Stevie!

1067. Get off me!

1068. I said get off!

1069. Max!

1070. Max! Max, no!

1071. No! No! No!

1072. Max!

1073. Stevie!

1074. He left me as a reminder

1075. of what happens when hope is lost,

1076. when belief is forgotten,

1077. and the Christmas spirit dies.

1078. Help!

1079. Help me!

1080. Max!

1081. Get off me!

1082. Hey!

1083. Asshole!

1084. I take back my wish!

1085. I take it all back!

1086. Give me back my family!

1087. Max!

1088. Let her go!

1089. Help me!

1090. Please.

1091. I know you can fix this.

1092. Give them back.

1093. Take me instead.

1094. No, what are you doing? I said take me.

1095. No, take me!

1096. No, what are you doing? Take me!

1097. No!

1098. Stevie!

1099. Let me go!

1100. No! No! Please!

1101. I'm sorry.

1102. I just wanted Christmas to be like it used to be.

1103. No!

1104. Good throw, Sarah.

1105. - You want down? - Thank you. I appreciate that.

1106. Doggie can't have cookie. No, that's your cookie.

1107. This dog didn't keep you guys up?

1108. She likes to bark at night.

1109. She sure does.

1110. Thanks for making pancakes. Those were really good.

1111. Good girl.

1112. Morning.

1113. Flax smoothie in the morning...

1114. About time you got up. We've been waiting forever.

1115. Oh hey, there he is! Hey, kiddo.

1116. We thought the sugarplum fairies may have gotten you.

1117. You're all alive.

1118. Barely.

1119. I haven't felt this hungover since the pope died.

1120. What's up, buddy? You okay?

1121. Yeah, I just...

1122. Just had a bad dream, I guess.

1123. Aw.

1124. Enough with the sappy crap.

1125. Let's open up the damn presents.

1126. Okay. Okay, already.

1127. Come on, Linda, let's do this. You wanna help me?

1128. Okay.

1129. Okay.

1130. Merry Christmas, Max.

1131. Girls.

1132. I got two beverages.

1133. Stevie, sweetheart.

1134. Thank you, Mom.

1135. Are you excited?

1136. Jordan. Should be.

1137. Oh-ho-ho-ho!

1138. Isn't that fun?

1139. Hey, Maxi-Pad. Training batting gloves.

1140. What could that possibly be?

1141. Oh, my God!

1142. "Oh, my God," is right.

1143. That's from me and the girls.

1144. I had to reattach the foot.

1145. Yeah, if you look closely,

1146. he did a really good job of reattaching it.

1147. The darn thing, when we came up on it,

1148. it was trying to chew its own foot.

1149. Oh, thank you.

1150. This is great.

1151. You're the best, Howard. I want travel-size.

1152. Wow. What's this all about?

1153. It's nothing. Just...

1154. Merry Christmas.

1155. Merry Christmas to you, too, Max.

1156. Merry Christmas, son.

1157. Right?

1158. I cannot believe it.

1159. - This is the best. - Oh, my God.

1160. You're very welcome.

1161. Oh, man.

1162. I just wanted Christmas to be like it used to be.

1163. That's what a family is, Max.

1164. Nothing bad's gonna happen on Christmas, right?

1165. I just got my ass kicked by a bunch of Christmas cookies,

1166. so trust me when I say I can take it!

1167. "They're why some people shouldn't be allowed to breed!"

1168. Do you think they took Howie

1169. because of the time he painted the cats?

1170. And as he had for thousands of years,

1171. Krampus came not to reward, but to punish.

1172. Not to give, but to take.