1. Light your nuts on fire.
Copy !req
2. Fuck! Fuck! My hands!
Copy !req
3. Too hot for Jonah!
Copy !req
4. I got fucking water in my mouth!
Copy !req
5. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
6. I got to get off! I got to get off!
Got to get off! Got to get off!
Copy !req
7. Sadie, wake up!
Copy !req
8. Oh, my gosh!
Copy !req
9. Daddy, wake up!
Copy !req
10. Okay, I'm up.
Copy !req
11. Is that my genius over here?
Is that my genius?
Copy !req
12. I need you to take the kids
to school this morning.
Copy !req
13. - I would, but I'm supposed to work out.
- What?
Copy !req
14. Yeah. I got an appointment with a trainer.
I can't cancel it now. He'll charge me.
Copy !req
15. - You didn't tell me that.
- Yeah, I did.
Copy !req
16. - Last week I told you.
- You didn't tell me.
Copy !req
17. I did. And then I wrote it
on the calendar like you told me to.
Copy !req
18. No, you didn't tell me.
Copy !req
19. - I did tell you.
- Well, you didn't,
Copy !req
20. but what are we gonna do,
'cause I have an appointment?
Copy !req
21. So you're taking the kids to school.
Copy !req
22. Don't use the baby to cover your tracks.
Copy !req
23. I can drive them. I'll drive them to school.
Copy !req
24. - Thank you very much.
- Great. Good.
Copy !req
25. You turned my sister into a limo driver.
Copy !req
26. - I don't mind.
- It all worked out!
Copy !req
27. What are you giggling about?
Copy !req
28. Be quiet. You're starting to annoy me.
Copy !req
29. - Poo poo.
- Ladies. Be nice.
Copy !req
30. - You know what I did the other day?
What?
Copy !req
31. - I googled "murder."
- You googled "murder"?
Copy !req
32. - Yeah.
- Why?
Copy !req
33. I mean, what did it say?
Copy !req
34. It didn't say anything.
It just showed pictures
Copy !req
35. of people lying dead on the floor
and blood everywhere, and...
Copy !req
36. That was just ketchup.
Copy !req
37. - Who wants to hear some music?
- I want to hear Rent.
Copy !req
38. I want to hear Green Day!
Copy !req
39. - No, we're listening to Rent!
- Well, I want to listen to Green Day.
Copy !req
40. I got your baby!
Copy !req
41. - Don't taunt her. Come on.
- Here.
Copy !req
42. Sadie! Why did you just do that?
Don't throw things at your sister!
Copy !req
43. She hit me.
Copy !req
44. - Did you hit her?
- I did not.
Copy !req
45. Make her happy. It's okay.
Copy !req
46. - It won't make her happy.
- It's okay. It's okay.
Copy !req
47. She spilled all the marbles
on the floor.
Copy !req
48. Well, give her her marble back.
Copy !req
49. All right? Are you sure
you understand the terms of the bet?
Copy !req
50. - Because this is serious.
- No.
Copy !req
51. Martin, all right, listen.
Copy !req
52. You don't shave your beard
or cut your hair for one year,
Copy !req
53. and if you can do that, I will pay your rent.
Copy !req
54. But if you shave,
then you have to pay all five of our rents.
Copy !req
55. Thanks for the free money, bitch.
Copy !req
56. Hey, Martin, was it weird
when you joined the Taliban,
Copy !req
57. being American and everything like that?
Copy !req
58. Like when you see a woman driving a car,
do you just get pissed?
Copy !req
59. Just watch your back, Serpico.
You never know who your friends are.
Copy !req
60. Okay, all right. You guys
can't make fun of me the whole time.
Copy !req
61. But, Martin, it's a competition.
It's called the Dirty Man Competition.
Copy !req
62. We're gonna make fun of you
until you shave the beard.
Copy !req
63. - That's the rules.
- That's the whole point.
Copy !req
64. You're supposed to be
tempted into shaving.
Copy !req
65. Your face looks
like Robin Williams' knuckles.
Copy !req
66. You guys aren't allowed to make fun of me.
It's not part of the rules.
Copy !req
67. Martin, why didn't you just listen to me
when I was explaining the rules?
Copy !req
68. You just looked at me
with that blank stare of yours.
Copy !req
69. It was like talking to a wax statue.
Copy !req
70. Okay, guys, are you ready?
Copy !req
71. So, "Only at fleshofthestars. Com
will customers be able to find
Copy !req
72. "exactly how long into what movies
their favourite stars are exposed."
Copy !req
73. - Nice.
- Oh, fucking brilliant.
Copy !req
74. Pretty good, right?
Copy !req
75. - Yeah. Yeah, ka-ching.
- We're in.
Copy !req
76. All right, guys, let's start logging, all right?
Copy !req
77. Charles Manson?
Do you have any other thoughts?
Copy !req
78. Good, awesome,
let's start this off with a bang.
Copy !req
79. Jamie Lee Curtis. I got
an hour and 10 minutes into Trading Places.
Copy !req
80. Both chesticles.
Copy !req
81. I got Julianne "Red Beard" Moore.
Copy !req
82. Short Cuts, two hours, 17 minutes,
bush no boobs.
Copy !req
83. - Julianne Moore special.
- She loves it.
Copy !req
84. I've seen that,
Copy !req
85. and from the look of her bush, Short Cuts
is the wrong name for that movie.
Copy !req
86. - Nice.
- Nice. Nice. Well done.
Copy !req
87. Her bush looks like the hedge maze
from The Shining but red
Copy !req
88. and without Scatman Crothers in it.
Copy !req
89. Red Bush.
Copy !req
90. Red Bush.
Copy !req
91. So if you want that perfect tan like the stars,
he's the one to see.
Copy !req
92. We'll be right back on E! News. Stay with us.
Copy !req
93. - Okay.
- Okay, is Jessica Simpson here yet?
Copy !req
94. Let me check. Let me see.
Copy !req
95. - Is she on her way? She's left her house?
- Hey, guys?
Copy !req
96. Okay, let me know when she's pulling in.
Copy !req
97. - She's about to pull in.
- Is she camera-ready?
Copy !req
98. Is she camera-ready?
Copy !req
99. If she's gonna be in hair and makeup
for three hours, I can't do it.
Copy !req
100. I'm not gonna be here.
I got to do American Idol.
Copy !req
101. It's live. I got to do it. I got to be there.
Copy !req
102. - What are we gonna interview her about?
- Nothing personal.
Copy !req
103. - No personal questions.
- No personal questions.
Copy !req
104. Don't ask her about her sister
and her nose job.
Copy !req
105. - No plastic surgery questions.
- No plastic...
Copy !req
106. No personal questions.
Copy !req
107. She doesn't want to talk about her boobs
or her father's comments about her boobs.
Copy !req
108. Great. We'll talk about the Middle East
and maybe an idea of an exit strategy.
Copy !req
109. Maybe she has a good pitch.
Copy !req
110. Should I ask her about Korea?
Copy !req
111. Maybe have her point it out to us
on a globe?
Copy !req
112. I don't understand
the young talent in this town!
Copy !req
113. It doesn't make any sense. I got four jobs.
Copy !req
114. Hell, I'm more famous
than half the people we talk to, anyway!
Copy !req
115. No one stands up.
Copy !req
116. No one has the balls to sit them down
Copy !req
117. and say, "Look, just cut the shit."
Copy !req
118. But everybody works for them.
Copy !req
119. They're all on the payroll.
They're all sucking the teat!
Copy !req
120. Nobody sits them down, eye-to-eye,
one-on-one, and says, "Cut the shit."
Copy !req
121. And all these stars just fuck it up.
Copy !req
122. That's what they do. They fuck my day up!
Copy !req
123. And it pisses me off. And now I'm sweating.
Copy !req
124. Okay, you want to... You know what?
Copy !req
125. You want us to just come and get you
when she gets here?
Copy !req
126. You want to head to the green room
for a minute?
Copy !req
127. - Just chill out? Okay.
- Yeah. That's a good idea.
Copy !req
128. Want us to bring you anything?
You want some water?
Copy !req
129. - You want a cookie?
- Cookie, yeah, cookie. Thanks.
Copy !req
130. - Okay, we'll get you a cookie.
- Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm pissed.
Copy !req
131. What do we got? Chocolate chip?
Copy !req
132. - Allison?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
133. - Jack and I need to see you in his office.
- Okay.
Copy !req
134. Thanks for coming in, Allison.
Copy !req
135. Well, we wanted to talk to you today
Copy !req
136. because we had a little debate on the
conference call with New York about you.
Copy !req
137. You... About me?
You were talking about me?
Copy !req
138. We were wondering aloud to one another
Copy !req
139. whether or not
you would be good for on camera.
Copy !req
140. What'd you decide?
Copy !req
141. They... They decided that they like you,
Copy !req
142. and they would like to put you on camera.
Copy !req
143. - Really?
- I know. I was so surprised, too.
Copy !req
144. Oh, my God. This is the best news ever.
Thank you so much.
Copy !req
145. - This is great!
- Congratulations.
Copy !req
146. - Thank you.
- I'll take that smile as a "Yes, I'll do it."
Copy !req
147. Absolutely. I'm so excited! Oh, my God.
Copy !req
148. It's a lot of work.
Can't wait to see what happens.
Copy !req
149. It's gonna be tough. Tough job.
Copy !req
150. About the work, most immediately,
Copy !req
151. there's gonna be some things
that you're gonna be able to get...
Copy !req
152. - Okay.
that other people in the office don't get.
Copy !req
153. One of them, gym membership.
Copy !req
154. You want me to lose weight?
Copy !req
155. No, I don't want you to lose weight.
Copy !req
156. No. We can't legally ask you to do that.
Copy !req
157. We didn't say lose weight.
I might say tighten.
Copy !req
158. Tight.
Copy !req
159. - A little tighter?
- Just like toned and smaller.
Copy !req
160. Don't make everything smaller.
I don't want to generalise that way.
Copy !req
161. Tighter.
Copy !req
162. We don't want you to lose weight.
We just want you to be healthy.
Copy !req
163. - Okay.
- You know, by eating less.
Copy !req
164. We would just like it
if you go home and step on the scale
Copy !req
165. and write down how much you weigh
and subtract it by, like, 20.
Copy !req
166. - Twenty.
- And then weigh that much.
Copy !req
167. Just remember,
you've got it here, you've got it here
Copy !req
168. and everybody's gonna see you right there.
Copy !req
169. Yay! That's so exciting! Oh, my God!
Copy !req
170. - Hey!
- Huh?
Copy !req
171. I got a promotion.
Copy !req
172. - Oh, congratulations!
- Thank you.
Copy !req
173. Hey, maybe you can
get your own place now.
Copy !req
174. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Copy !req
175. - Yay!
- Let's go celebrate.
Copy !req
176. Okay. Let's do it.
Copy !req
177. - Pete'll watch the kids?
- Yeah!
Copy !req
178. We can watch Taxicab Confessions.
Copy !req
179. - What are you gonna do?
- I don't know!
Copy !req
180. I'm so excited!
Copy !req
181. I walked in on him masturbating one night.
Copy !req
182. Did he get the deer-in-the-headlights look?
Copy !req
183. Did he freeze or did he finish?
Copy !req
184. No, he tried to pretend like
he wasn't doing anything under the covers.
Copy !req
185. Oh, no!
Copy !req
186. I buy these nice towels,
and he whacks off into them.
Copy !req
187. - Deb and Pete, forever.
- And...
Copy !req
188. And once he does that into them once,
they're never soft ever again.
Copy !req
189. I can always tell if I'm looking good
based on whether or not we get in.
Copy !req
190. - Ladies?
- Guess we're looking good.
Copy !req
191. - If I didn't get in, I would've lost my shit.
What's going on, man?
Copy !req
192. How long you gonna make us
wait out here, for Christ's sake?
Copy !req
193. What the fuck?
Copy !req
194. You know what movie I just saw again
the other day, which is fucking, like,
Copy !req
195. mind-blowing, and I haven't seen it
since it came out is Munich.
Copy !req
196. Oh, Munich!
Copy !req
197. - Oh, man, Munich fucking rules.
- Munich is awesome!
Copy !req
198. That movie was Eric Bana
kicking fucking ass!
Copy !req
199. Dude, every movie with Jews,
we're the ones getting killed.
Copy !req
200. Munich flips it on its ear.
We're capping motherfuckers.
Copy !req
201. Not only killing
but fucking, like, taking names.
Copy !req
202. If any of us get laid tonight,
it's because of Eric Bana in Munich.
Copy !req
203. - I agree with that.
- I agree.
Copy !req
204. You know what is not helping us get laid
Copy !req
205. is the shoe bomber, Richard Reid,
over here at our table.
Copy !req
206. - I don't like your shoes.
- How was Burning Man this year?
Copy !req
207. Fuck you guys. I'm glad I'm not Jewish.
Copy !req
208. - So are we.
- Yeah, so are we.
Copy !req
209. Yeah. Fine, screw it.
Copy !req
210. - You weren't chosen for a reason.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
211. It's like everyone in here is 12 years old.
Copy !req
212. - Am I too old to be here?
- What?
Copy !req
213. - Am I too old to be here?
- No, of course not.
Copy !req
214. - Does it look weird that I'm here?
- No, not at all.
Copy !req
215. - Am I hotter than these little bitches?
- Yes! You look amazing.
Copy !req
216. - Guys in here would fuck me, right?
- Yes.
Copy !req
217. That's weird to say,
but it makes me feel better.
Copy !req
218. - You look hot.
- Okay. I believe you.
Copy !req
219. - Okay. I'm getting us drinks.
- Okay.
Copy !req
220. Yo, a beer over here, please?
Copy !req
221. You're gonna be embarrassed
when you realise I'm Wilmer Valderrama.
Copy !req
222. God.
Copy !req
223. Hey, hey! Excuse me!
Copy !req
224. He's literally ignoring
this entire half of the bar.
Copy !req
225. Don't even bother.
Copy !req
226. - Yeah, awesome.
- A beer over here, please?
Copy !req
227. - He looked at us! Did you see that?
- Yeah, that was rough.
Copy !req
228. Oh, my God. And if you can't get service,
what am I gonna do, you know?
Copy !req
229. Great. It's gonna be that night.
Copy !req
230. - Okay, you want a beer?
- Yeah, just...
Copy !req
231. Well, I'm... Watch this.
Copy !req
232. Okay? Just observe.
Copy !req
233. - There you go.
- Come on, man.
Copy !req
234. Here you go. For your trouble. Thank you.
There you go.
Copy !req
235. - Thank you.
- Okay, enjoy it.
Copy !req
236. - Are you sure?
- I am sure.
Copy !req
237. I tried that once before at the Comedy Store,
and I got punched in the ear.
Copy !req
238. Thanks a lot.
Copy !req
239. Oh, fuck, fuck!
I'm supposed to get one for my sister.
Copy !req
240. - Oh, here, take mine.
- No, that's okay. I'll wait.
Copy !req
241. Please, I very rarely look cool.
This is a big moment for me. Just take it.
Copy !req
242. - Thank you. Awesome.
- No problem.
Copy !req
243. - I'm Allison.
- I'm Ben.
Copy !req
244. - Well, have a great night.
- Yeah, you, too.
Copy !req
245. - Thanks for the beer.
- Okay, enjoy, be nice to them.
Copy !req
246. - Bye. Thanks again.
- I'll see you. No, I'll see you later.
Copy !req
247. No, I won't 'cause I'm a pussy.
Copy !req
248. What's up, Ben?
Copy !req
249. That girl. She totally gave me an opening,
man, and I locked up.
Copy !req
250. I just want to get shit-faced tonight,
though, you know.
Copy !req
251. I'll just jerk it later. It's cool.
Copy !req
252. Are you fucking crazy, man?
She looks smart.
Copy !req
253. - Who's that she's sitting with?
- It's her sister.
Copy !req
254. - Her sister?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
255. Dude, it's the dream.
What are we doing standing here, man?
Copy !req
256. Let's go. Come on, follow me.
You stay here. Stay here.
Copy !req
257. - Why?
- Because your face looks like a vagina.
Copy !req
258. Dick!
Copy !req
259. Hey, which one's the sister?
Copy !req
260. Hey, Crockett,
you still partying with Tubbs these days?
Copy !req
261. Come on, man.
I'm getting it from all angles here.
Copy !req
262. - I don't like it any more.
- I know. I don't, either.
Copy !req
263. Was it weird when you changed your name
from Cat Stevens to Yusuf Islam?
Copy !req
264. - Yeah, it was really awkward.
- All right, man. I got to take off.
Copy !req
265. See you, Scorsese-on-coke.
Copy !req
266. - What's that?
- Chewbacca. You know, it's Chewie.
Copy !req
267. - Oh, another beard joke.
- Fuck.
Copy !req
268. Fucking hilarious!
Copy !req
269. - Hey.
- Hey.
Copy !req
270. Hi, this is my friend, Jason.
Copy !req
271. I just wanted to see
how my beers were doing.
Copy !req
272. - This is my sister, Debbie.
- Oh, hi, I'm Ben.
Copy !req
273. - Hi. Ben?
- Yes.
Copy !req
274. Nice to meet you.
Copy !req
275. - How you doing?
- Good, how are you?
Copy !req
276. Just trying not to stare.
Copy !req
277. - She's married.
- Why do you have to say that?
Copy !req
278. - What?
- It's a shame.
Copy !req
279. - You're beautiful.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
280. - She has two kids, too.
- Shut up!
Copy !req
281. What? It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Copy !req
282. You think that's gonna stop him
from hitting on her?
Copy !req
283. - It's not at all.
- I love kids.
Copy !req
284. - Really?
- Yeah, absolutely.
Copy !req
285. Excuse me.
Copy !req
286. - Hello?
- Cool phone.
Copy !req
287. Yeah, she's got a really cool phone.
Copy !req
288. What? Is it a rash, or is it the chicken pox?
Copy !req
289. I don't know! Google it.
Copy !req
290. Okay. All right, bye.
Copy !req
291. I got to go.
Sadie might have the chicken pox.
Copy !req
292. I had the chicken pox three times.
I have no immunity to it.
Copy !req
293. We don't have the heart to tell him
it's herpes.
Copy !req
294. It's not herpes if it's everywhere.
Copy !req
295. Are you coming?
Copy !req
296. You know, I'm all dressed,
so I'll just hang out.
Copy !req
297. - Really?
- Yeah, I'll take a cab home.
Copy !req
298. Okay. Be safe.
Copy !req
299. I will. Yeah.
Copy !req
300. - Bye, lovely.
- Bye.
Copy !req
301. All right, I'm gonna let you two
get to know each other.
Copy !req
302. - Cheers.
- Cheers.
Copy !req
303. To you.
Copy !req
304. No, no. You know,
the, like, Entertainment News channel?
Copy !req
305. - E!
- E!
Copy !req
306. Dude, I think he's doing the dice thing
too much.
Copy !req
307. That's really all he's got.
Copy !req
308. I love your curly hair! It's so great.
Copy !req
309. - Do you, like, use a product or anything?
- No, that's... I use Jew, it's called.
Copy !req
310. - You wanna get out of here?
- Yeah, let's go.
Copy !req
311. You wanna come back
and hang out at my place?
Copy !req
312. Yes.
Copy !req
313. - Yeah. Wicked.
- I'll show you my audition tape.
Copy !req
314. - It's really funny.
- Okay, I'm really excited to watch that.
Copy !req
315. Let's go.
Copy !req
316. We could get a cab up, this way. For sure.
Copy !req
317. This is a big yard.
Copy !req
318. Let's go swimming right now.
Let's just do that.
Copy !req
319. - I know. It feels so right.
- That's right.
Copy !req
320. Oh, man. Oh, man. You're prettier than I am.
Copy !req
321. A lot.
Copy !req
322. - Do you have a condom?
- I do.
Copy !req
323. - Okay.
- In my pants. I have a condom.
Copy !req
324. - Okay. Okay.
- I'll get it.
Copy !req
325. Come on.
Copy !req
326. - Hurry up.
- Stupid fucker.
Copy !req
327. - What are you doing?
- I almost got it. Just give me a second.
Copy !req
328. Oh, God, just do it already!
Copy !req
329. - Okay.
- Oh, great. Okay.
Copy !req
330. God.
Copy !req
331. - Oh, that's great!
- Good thing I'm drunk.
Copy !req
332. - This is lasting forever.
- Yeah, it's awesome.
Copy !req
333. - I just doubled my record time.
- Oh, yeah. You did.
Copy !req
334. - I'm sorry, I'm sweating on you.
- Okay, just stop talking.
Copy !req
335. Fuck off, Martin.
Copy !req
336. I said, fuck off, Martin.
Copy !req
337. Hi.
Copy !req
338. Oh. Hey.
Copy !req
339. Hey.
Copy !req
340. - I'm naked.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
341. - Did we have sex?
- Yes.
Copy !req
342. Nice.
Copy !req
343. - What time is it?
- 7:30.
Copy !req
344. Why the fuck are we awake?
Let's go back to sleep.
Copy !req
345. - I have to go to work.
- Really?
Copy !req
346. Do you need to get to work or anything?
Copy !req
347. No, I'm... No work today.
Copy !req
348. - Do you wanna get breakfast?
- Okay.
Copy !req
349. - Morning.
- Good morning, Allison.
Copy !req
350. I'm Ben. What's happening, man?
Copy !req
351. - Ben.
- How's it going?
Copy !req
352. - To be young.
- Stop it.
Copy !req
353. You stop it.
Copy !req
354. - Okay, see you later.
- All righty.
Copy !req
355. See you later. Enjoy the day.
Copy !req
356. Never do what they did.
Copy !req
357. I'm gonna do it.
Copy !req
358. You are?
Someone's getting home-schooled.
Copy !req
359. I just yacked something nasty.
Copy !req
360. I feel way better, though.
I think that's like the secret. Like you gotta...
Copy !req
361. I mean, once you're hung-over,
you just gotta puke.
Copy !req
362. - It feels so... Did you puke?
- No.
Copy !req
363. You can. I won't think it's gross or anything.
Copy !req
364. Oh, that's okay, I'm fine.
Copy !req
365. - Okay.
- I just need some coffee, so...
Copy !req
366. You know,
the best thing for a hangover is weed.
Copy !req
367. - Do you smoke... Do you smoke weed?
- Not really.
Copy !req
368. - You don't?
- No.
Copy !req
369. At all?
Copy !req
370. Like in the morning?
Copy !req
371. No, I just don't.
Copy !req
372. You know, it's like...
It is like the best medicine.
Copy !req
373. Because it fixes everything.
Copy !req
374. Jonah broke his elbow once.
Copy !req
375. He just got high, and it still clicks,
but, I mean, he's okay.
Copy !req
376. - Right.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
377. - Last night was great, what I remember of it.
- Right, yeah.
Copy !req
378. - Yeah, no, it was fun. I had a great time.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
379. - So what do you do?
- I work at E!
Copy !req
380. The television channel?
Copy !req
381. - Remember?
- Wow!
Copy !req
382. We had this conversation last night.
Copy !req
383. I told you about my promotion.
I was out celebrating it.
Copy !req
384. - No?
- No.
Copy !req
385. - I don't remember that at all.
- Yeah. I'm super excited about it.
Copy !req
386. I'm actually doing my first
on-air interview today, so...
Copy !req
387. - With who?
- Matthew Fox.
Copy !req
388. - Matthew Fox from Lost?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
389. - You know what's interesting about him?
- What?
Copy !req
390. - Nothing.
- What?
Copy !req
391. - Will you tell him he's an asshole for me?
- No.
Copy !req
392. Someone needs to. Like who gives a shit?
Copy !req
393. Well, I hope a lot of people, actually,
because that's what my job entails
Copy !req
394. is making sure people care
what he has to say.
Copy !req
395. I'm interviewing him.
Copy !req
396. Maybe it's just me.
Maybe I just don't give a shit.
Copy !req
397. I'm just saying he deserves a beat-down.
Copy !req
398. Actually, it's sort of embarrassing
to ask at this point,
Copy !req
399. but what do you do for work?
Copy !req
400. Me and my roommates have started a...
We're starting an Internet website.
Copy !req
401. Oh, cool. What is it?
Copy !req
402. I'll give you the virtual experience, okay?
How's that?
Copy !req
403. You're at your computer.
Who's an actress you like?
Copy !req
404. - Mary Tyler Moore?
- No.
Copy !req
405. - That does not work at all.
- No?
Copy !req
406. - No.
- Okay.
Copy !req
407. - Let's say you love Meg Ryan.
- I do.
Copy !req
408. - Great. Who doesn't?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
409. Let's say you like her so much
Copy !req
410. you wanna know
every movie where she shows her tits.
Copy !req
411. And not just that, but how long
into that movie she shows her tits.
Copy !req
412. You come to our web page exclusively.
Type in "Meg Ryan." Bam!
Copy !req
413. In the Cut, 38 minutes in, 48 minutes in,
like an hour and 10 minutes...
Copy !req
414. She's, like, naked that whole fucking movie.
Copy !req
415. - She does full frontal in that movie.
- Wow.
Copy !req
416. - They should've called her Harry, not Sally.
- Really.
Copy !req
417. I'll show it to you.
I'll show you Meg Ryan's bush.
Copy !req
418. - Okay.
- Cool.
Copy !req
419. Yeah, I actually need to get going, so...
Copy !req
420. Well, could... Can I get your number?
I mean, I don't...
Copy !req
421. We had fun, right?
We should hook up again.
Copy !req
422. I'm gonna give you my card
'cause that'll be the best way to...
Copy !req
423. Well, I mean, if you want to contact me,
I don't have a cell, right now,
Copy !req
424. because of payment complications.
Copy !req
425. But, I mean, you can e-mail me
at the web page. I check...
Copy !req
426. It's just Ben at flesh-of-the-stars,
one word, dot-com.
Copy !req
427. - Yeah.
- Yeah. Okay.
Copy !req
428. - Okay.
- So, awesome.
Copy !req
429. All right, then. Nice to meet you.
Copy !req
430. - Yeah. Okay.
- Bye. Take care.
Copy !req
431. See you.
Copy !req
432. Bye!
Copy !req
433. That was fucking brutal.
Copy !req
434. Yeah, that was brutal.
Copy !req
435. - It was a huge mistake.
- What's a mistake?
Copy !req
436. Nothing. Nothing that we need
to talk about right now.
Copy !req
437. Why did you do it?
Copy !req
438. Aunty Allison
drank too much chocolate milk.
Copy !req
439. And I was feeling weird because of that.
And I made a...
Copy !req
440. - I think that's enough.
- Okay.
Copy !req
441. - Did he wear a condom?
- Yes.
Copy !req
442. Thank God.
Copy !req
443. - Do you think you'll do it again?
- No, no way.
Copy !req
444. She was totally repulsed by me.
Copy !req
445. - What?
- She just really didn't seem to like me.
Copy !req
446. Like, she wasn't laughing at my jokes.
I mean, I'm like a funny guy.
Copy !req
447. - Fucking funny as balls.
- Hilarious, man.
Copy !req
448. I'm giving her the A shit. Nothing.
She thought our web page was a bad idea.
Copy !req
449. - What?
- That fucking stuck-up bitch.
Copy !req
450. Yeah, I think so, too.
Copy !req
451. I think it's awesome
that you had sex with her.
Copy !req
452. If a goofy guy like you had sex with her,
I feel like I had sex with her also.
Copy !req
453. I was so drunk. I just wish I remembered it.
Copy !req
454. Hi, I'm Allison Scott. And we're here today
with James Franco from Spider-Man.
Copy !req
455. - How are you?
- Great, great.
Copy !req
456. - Thanks for coming.
- Of course.
Copy !req
457. Tell me, were you a big fan of the...
Copy !req
458. - I'm sorry, let me take that again.
- Okay.
Copy !req
459. Tell me, were you a big fan
of the comic books growing up?
Copy !req
460. No, actually,
Copy !req
461. I didn't read any of the comic books
until I got the movie and then...
Copy !req
462. - Are you okay?
- Yeah, just what about the comic books?
Copy !req
463. Just keep talking.
Copy !req
464. Like I said, I really wasn't into them,
Copy !req
465. but now that I did the research,
I think they're pretty amazing, like...
Copy !req
466. Shit.
Copy !req
467. What the fuck?
Copy !req
468. Is that the sound of you puking?
Copy !req
469. If this is one of those fucking joke shows,
I'm not into it.
Copy !req
470. - We should put this on YouTube.
- Shut up.
Copy !req
471. - This is hilarious.
- You're an asshole.
Copy !req
472. Look how sweaty you are.
You look like Dom DeLuise.
Copy !req
473. I don't need to see it again.
It's gonna make me throw up.
Copy !req
474. You look like Jabba the Hutt dying.
Copy !req
475. - You're such an asshole.
- I'm just jerking your chain.
Copy !req
476. I'll fix this. No problem.
Copy !req
477. Yeah, maybe if you can just edit this out,
and we can...
Copy !req
478. We can reshoot my questions.
Copy !req
479. What's up?
Copy !req
480. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no. Over here.
Copy !req
481. Not on the mix board,
not on the mix board, here.
Copy !req
482. - Are you okay?
- Oh, my God.
Copy !req
483. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
484. - Are you sick?
- I don't know.
Copy !req
485. - What'd you eat?
- I haven't eaten today yet.
Copy !req
486. - You haven't...
- Do you have, like, a napkin or something?
Copy !req
487. Here, here.
Copy !req
488. - What, do you have, like, the flu?
- I don't know.
Copy !req
489. God, I hope you're not pregnant.
Copy !req
490. It's impossible.
You have to have sex to get pregnant.
Copy !req
491. B.K. It's Brent Master Five.
Copy !req
492. Allison just puked.
Copy !req
493. Dude, that's what I said.
She's probably pregnant, right?
Copy !req
494. - Oh, shit.
- How does she look right now?
Copy !req
495. She looks like she just realised
that she's pregnant.
Copy !req
496. No, I can't be pregnant. Right?
Copy !req
497. I mean that was, what?
Copy !req
498. Eight weeks ago? When was that?
Copy !req
499. - Did you miss your period?
- No. Wait.
Copy !req
500. I don't know.
Shit. I don't know. I can't remember.
Copy !req
501. I was...
I mean, I've been really stressed at work.
Copy !req
502. I can't remember my last period.
Copy !req
503. Are you the lady
who doesn't realise she's pregnant
Copy !req
504. till she's sitting on the toilet
and a kid pops out?
Copy !req
505. Can you not joke right now?
Don't joke right now.
Copy !req
506. - This is really serious.
- Did I meet him?
Copy !req
507. Yeah. You know,
he was kind of like medium height,
Copy !req
508. sort of chubby.
Blonde, curly hair. Remember?
Copy !req
509. - With the man-boobs.
- Yes.
Copy !req
510. Here, I have this thing of him on my phone.
I just watched it.
Copy !req
511. Hey! I live in your phone!
Copy !req
512. Oh...
Copy !req
513. This is the best night of my life.
Copy !req
514. I gotta pee.
Copy !req
515. - Yeah.
- Oh, God.
Copy !req
516. - How did this happen?
- Oh, shit.
Copy !req
517. Well, there's only one way to find out.
Copy !req
518. - They're here! Here they are! Over here!
- Oh, no.
Copy !req
519. Okay, here we are.
Okay.
Copy !req
520. - Okay. All right.
- Here.
Copy !req
521. Oh, no. Give me more! Give me a few more!
Copy !req
522. Did you try the Ova-Sure?
Copy !req
523. I'm dripping, I'm dripping. Wait.
Copy !req
524. Oh, good! A smiley face!
Copy !req
525. Oh, I think that's bad.
Copy !req
526. How long does this one take?
Copy !req
527. These can't all be positive. Let me try one.
Copy !req
528. God, you really had to pee.
Copy !req
529. What is this? What the hell is this?
Copy !req
530. - I think you picked up the wrong one.
- Oh, fuck.
Copy !req
531. That scared me.
Copy !req
532. That would suck. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
533. That scared me.
Copy !req
534. It's gonna be fine. Right?
Copy !req
535. - Right?
- Of course it will be fine. It's gonna be fine.
Copy !req
536. You just need to call him.
Copy !req
537. Maybe I don't need to call him
until after I see the doctor.
Copy !req
538. - You need to call.
- I don't want to call him.
Copy !req
539. - I don't need to call him.
- You should call.
Copy !req
540. I can't call him anyway.
He doesn't even have a phone.
Copy !req
541. He didn't even have a number to give me.
Copy !req
542. - He doesn't have a phone?
- Said he had some kind of billing issue.
Copy !req
543. He can't afford a phone? Sadie has a phone.
Copy !req
544. Oh, shit, you're right. I got to call.
Copy !req
545. I don't know. I'm gonna have to look him up
on his stupid website.
Copy !req
546. What kind of website does he have?
Copy !req
547. He spelled "coming" wrong.
Oh, it's cum...
Copy !req
548. - Yeah.
- Oh, that's gross.
Copy !req
549. Just go to "Contact Us."
Copy !req
550. Ben?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
551. "What is your number?
I need to speak with you right away."
Copy !req
552. - Send?
- Yep.
Copy !req
553. - You're sure?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
554. I love weed.
Copy !req
555. I could smoke weed
every second of every day.
Copy !req
556. Jay, I am your stoner.
Copy !req
557. - Hey, Benjamin?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
558. - Flesh of the Stars just got an e-mail.
- Really?
Copy !req
559. - Would you like me to read it to you?
- Yeah, sure.
Copy !req
560. "Ben, what is your number?
Copy !req
561. "I need to speak to you right away.
Allison Scott."
Copy !req
562. Oh! Shit!
Copy !req
563. - Someone wants seconds, mama!
- Oh, man!
Copy !req
564. "Looking forward to speaking with you."
Copy !req
565. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do one of those smiley faces at the end.
Copy !req
566. - Fucking-A. Those are sexy.
- Sent.
Copy !req
567. Somebody wants another piece!
Copy !req
568. Booty-booty call.
Copy !req
569. - Yeah, hello?
- Hi.
Copy !req
570. Hey, Ben, this is... This is Allison.
I don't know if you remember me.
Copy !req
571. Oh, yeah, Allison. What's up?
Copy !req
572. She like the way your dick tastes.
Copy !req
573. Yeah, I actually was just wondering
if maybe you
Copy !req
574. wanted to get together,
like tomorrow night?
Copy !req
575. I've been meaning to call you
so we could, like, hook up again.
Copy !req
576. - You know what I'm saying?
- Okay, cool.
Copy !req
577. Let's meet up maybe tomorrow night?
You wanna just grab some dinner?
Copy !req
578. Yeah. Why not?
Meeting of minds sounds good.
Copy !req
579. What do you say Geisha House,
Hollywood, 9:00?
Copy !req
580. Sure, sure. That's cool.
Copy !req
581. Can we make it more like 6:00, though?
I'd like to keep it early.
Copy !req
582. 6:00. Beat the rush.
Yeah, leaves more time for afterwards.
Copy !req
583. - Dessert. Sweet.
- Okay, great.
Copy !req
584. So, yeah.
I'll just meet you there, then, at 6:00.
Copy !req
585. - Yeah.
- I'll see you there.
Copy !req
586. Okay, take care. Peace.
Copy !req
587. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
588. I'm gonna get laid, motherfucker!
Copy !req
589. Yes! Yes!
Copy !req
590. Nice place, huh?
Yeah, it's really nice.
Copy !req
591. Sorry it took so long to get a table.
I didn't realise you needed a reservation.
Copy !req
592. Oh, no, that's okay.
Copy !req
593. - So how's work?
- Great.
Copy !req
594. - How's E!
- Great.
Copy !req
595. That's awesome.
Do you know Vince Vaughn?
Copy !req
596. - Have you ever met him?
- No.
Copy !req
597. I really feel like we'd get along well. I just...
He seems like a fun guy.
Copy !req
598. I feel like we'd, like, hang together well.
I feel like he'd like me.
Copy !req
599. I'm sure a lot of guys are like,
"Oh, I'd like to hang out with that celeb",
Copy !req
600. but I really think he would want to hang out
with me, is like the cool thing.
Copy !req
601. I'm sure he would. Yeah.
Copy !req
602. - You look very pretty, though.
- Thanks.
Copy !req
603. - By the way.
- Yeah, I just thought...
Copy !req
604. I don't know, I thought maybe it'd be cool
Copy !req
605. to hang out a little bit and...
Copy !req
606. We didn't really get to talk
that much last time, so I thought...
Copy !req
607. That we didn't.
Copy !req
608. I thought maybe we'd just talk
and get to know each other better.
Copy !req
609. Cool. Okay.
Copy !req
610. - I'll start. I'm Canadian.
- Oh, that's cool.
Copy !req
611. From Vancouver.
I live here illegally, actually.
Copy !req
612. Don't tell anyone.
Copy !req
613. But it works out in my advantage,
I think, ultimately,
Copy !req
614. 'cause I don't have to pay any taxes.
Copy !req
615. So financially that's helpful
'cause I don't have a lot of money.
Copy !req
616. You know, I mean, I'm not poor or anything,
but I eat a lot of spaghetti.
Copy !req
617. So, you know, the web page or whatever
is just something that you guys do for fun?
Copy !req
618. Do you have a real job?
Copy !req
619. - Well, that is our job.
- Oh.
Copy !req
620. We don't technically get money
for the hours we put in, but it is our job.
Copy !req
621. - So, how do you... Right.
- How do I pay rent and shit?
Copy !req
622. When I was in high school,
I got ran over by a postal truck.
Copy !req
623. - Oh, my God.
- It just kind of...
Copy !req
624. It was my foot more than anything.
Copy !req
625. But I got like 14 grand
from the British Columbia government.
Copy !req
626. - Right.
- And that really lasted me.
Copy !req
627. I mean, until now.
Copy !req
628. It's been almost 10 years.
I have like 900 bucks left.
Copy !req
629. So that should last me for, like,
I mean, I'm not a mathematician,
Copy !req
630. but like another two years or some shit.
I think.
Copy !req
631. Yeah.
Copy !req
632. So I have something I really need to tell you.
It's kind of why I called you.
Copy !req
633. Here goes.
Copy !req
634. I'm pregnant.
Copy !req
635. - Fuck off.
- What?
Copy !req
636. - What?
- I'm pregnant.
Copy !req
637. With emotion?
Copy !req
638. With a baby. You're the father.
Copy !req
639. - I'm the father?
- Yes.
Copy !req
640. - How the fuck could this happen?
- I don't know.
Copy !req
641. I don't know. I mean,
I thought you were wearing a condom.
Copy !req
642. - No.
- What?
Copy !req
643. - I wasn't.
- Why not?
Copy !req
644. Because you told me not to.
Copy !req
645. What are you talking about?
Copy !req
646. What am I talking about?
You told me not to.
Copy !req
647. I did not tell you not to wear a condom.
Copy !req
648. Here's what happened, okay?
I will give you a play-by-play of my memory.
Copy !req
649. I almost had the condom on my dick.
Copy !req
650. It was on the cusp,
and then you said, "Just do it, already."
Copy !req
651. I didn't mean do it without a condom.
Copy !req
652. I meant "do it" like "hurry up,"
like "Get fucking going!"
Copy !req
653. Well, I assumed you were wearing a patch,
or like a dental dam
Copy !req
654. or one of those fucking butterfly clips
or something like that.
Copy !req
655. - What the hell is a dental dam?
- It's like Saran Wrap!
Copy !req
656. It's disgusting, okay?
But I thought you had one.
Copy !req
657. Why the fuck didn't you stop me
once we started?
Copy !req
658. I don't know!
I couldn't tell that you didn't have one on!
Copy !req
659. Obviously, I was drunk!
Copy !req
660. Was your vagina drunk?
Copy !req
661. Did you think
it's the thinnest condom on earth I have on?
Copy !req
662. I'm a fucking inventor?
I made a dick-skin condom?
Copy !req
663. He hollowed out a penis and put it on?
What the fuck?
Copy !req
664. You are unbelievable.
Copy !req
665. Okay, you know what?
Maybe I've reacted unfavourably.
Copy !req
666. So what happens now?
I don't know how this works.
Copy !req
667. I am going to the doctor next week,
Copy !req
668. and I thought you could come with me
to the gynaecologist.
Copy !req
669. - So you haven't seen him, though?
- No.
Copy !req
670. So you don't know if you're pregnant.
Copy !req
671. - Well, I'm not 100% sure.
- You're not 100% sure.
Copy !req
672. I bet you're not pregnant.
Copy !req
673. No, they're not.
Copy !req
674. No, they're all in the bag.
They're in the bag.
Copy !req
675. - Allison Scott?
- Yeah. Come on.
Copy !req
676. - I'm supposed to come?
- Yes.
Copy !req
677. Hello. My name is Thomas Pellagrino.
Copy !req
678. I'm... I'm Ben Stone.
Copy !req
679. - Hi, there, champ.
- Nice to meet you.
Copy !req
680. - And you must be Debbie's sister.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
681. - Alice.
- Allison. Hi.
Copy !req
682. - Hi. How are you?
- Good.
Copy !req
683. So, what can I help you with today,
Mr and Mrs Stone?
Copy !req
684. I took a home pregnancy test,
and it said I was pregnant, so here we are.
Copy !req
685. Okay. Let's have a look.
Copy !req
686. Legs up.
Copy !req
687. - Nice office.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
688. Well, you do look a lot like your sister.
Copy !req
689. This is gonna be cold. And you're next.
Copy !req
690. Okay, there is the cervix and the uterus.
Copy !req
691. See that?
Copy !req
692. That dark sac there, that's the amniotic sac.
Copy !req
693. And right there in the middle is the embryo.
Copy !req
694. Do you see that flicker?
You know what that is?
Copy !req
695. Yeah, that's a heartbeat.
Copy !req
696. Yeah, it looks like you are pregnant.
About eight or nine weeks, I'd say.
Copy !req
697. Congratulations.
Copy !req
698. - That... That's it?
- Yep.
Copy !req
699. Take good care of it.
Copy !req
700. Now the fun part starts.
Copy !req
701. Let me...
Let me make a picture for you, huh?
Copy !req
702. That'll be fun.
Copy !req
703. Okay. Well, I'll... I'll meet you in my office.
Copy !req
704. Okay.
Copy !req
705. I'll give you a little time alone, there.
Copy !req
706. - Oh, God.
- Oh, no.
Copy !req
707. It's okay.
Copy !req
708. I can't fucking believe
you didn't wear a bag!
Copy !req
709. Who does that?
Copy !req
710. Why did we go to Costco
and buy a year's supply of condoms
Copy !req
711. if you weren't gonna use them, man?
Copy !req
712. I can't believe you did this.
You fucked everything up.
Copy !req
713. Look, the real point
is not to get yourself in this position.
Copy !req
714. That's what you have to realise.
You gotta know all the tricks.
Copy !req
715. Like, for example, if a woman's on top,
she can't get pregnant.
Copy !req
716. - It's just gravity.
- Well, that's true. Everyone knows that.
Copy !req
717. What goes up must come down.
Copy !req
718. I think it's awesome
that you're gonna have a kid, man.
Copy !req
719. Think about it like this. It's just an excuse
to play with all your old toys again.
Copy !req
720. You know what I think you should do?
Take care of it.
Copy !req
721. Tell me you don't want him
to get an "A" word.
Copy !req
722. Yes, I do, and I won't say it
for little Baby Ears over there,
Copy !req
723. but it rhymes with "Shma-shmortion."
Copy !req
724. I'm just saying...
Hold on, Jay, cover your ears.
Copy !req
725. You should get a shma-shmortion
at the shma-shmortion clinic.
Copy !req
726. Ben, you cannot let these monsters
have any part of your child's life.
Copy !req
727. All right?
I'm gonna be there to rear your child.
Copy !req
728. You hear that, Ben?
Don't let him near the kid.
Copy !req
729. He wants to rear your child!
Copy !req
730. I just have a quick question.
Copy !req
731. Do you use that Canadian flag tattoo
as a cum target of some sort?
Copy !req
732. How many points do you get
if you hit the leaf? Like a million?
Copy !req
733. Jonah, I am a patriot.
Copy !req
734. This is a tribute to my country
and my countrymen.
Copy !req
735. I always aim right.
Copy !req
736. Right into a dude's ass.
Copy !req
737. Please, guys.
Copy !req
738. - Ben, come on, man.
- I'm just kidding you.
Copy !req
739. - Oh, great. Now he's upset.
- I won't let him do it.
Copy !req
740. Allison, just take care of it.
Copy !req
741. Take care of it. Move on.
Copy !req
742. What's gonna happen with your career?
How are you gonna tell them?
Copy !req
743. I'm not gonna tell them for a while.
I have a while before I have to say anything.
Copy !req
744. - How could you not tell them?
- They're not gonna know.
Copy !req
745. I mean, I'm only gonna start to show
when I'm like,
Copy !req
746. I don't know, six months or something.
Seven months.
Copy !req
747. - Three months.
- No.
Copy !req
748. Three months. Fat in the face, jowls, fat ass.
Copy !req
749. - Debbie didn't get fat.
- Debbie is a freak of nature.
Copy !req
750. Mom, you know, it's important to me
that you be supportive.
Copy !req
751. I cannot be supportive of this.
This is a mistake. This is a big, big mistake.
Copy !req
752. Now, think about your stepsister.
Copy !req
753. Now, you remember
what happened with her?
Copy !req
754. She had the same situation as you,
and she had it taken care of.
Copy !req
755. And you know what?
Now she has a real baby.
Copy !req
756. Honey, this is not the time.
Copy !req
757. I'm gonna be a grandfather.
Copy !req
758. - You happy about that?
- Absolutely. Delighted.
Copy !req
759. - This is a disaster.
- No, this is not a disaster.
Copy !req
760. - It is...
- An earthquake is a disaster.
Copy !req
761. Your grandmother
having Alzheimer's so bad
Copy !req
762. she doesn't even know who the fuck I am,
that's a disaster.
Copy !req
763. This is a good thing. This is a blessing.
Copy !req
764. I have a vision for how my life would go,
and this definitely is not it.
Copy !req
765. Wait. Is this your vision?
Are you living your vision right now?
Copy !req
766. - I am kind of living my vision, yeah.
- Well, that is sad, I'm telling you.
Copy !req
767. Life doesn't care about your vision. Okay?
Copy !req
768. Stuff happens. You just got to deal with it.
Copy !req
769. You roll with it. That's the beauty of it all.
Copy !req
770. I just don't get how I tell the kid
not to do drugs when I do drugs.
Copy !req
771. I'll feel like a hypocrite.
Copy !req
772. Well, remember what I told you
when you were a teenager?
Copy !req
773. - What did you say?
- I said, "No pills, no powders."
Copy !req
774. That's right, that's right.
Copy !req
775. Right. If it grows in the ground,
it's probably okay.
Copy !req
776. I mean, I guess it worked. Like you told me
not to smoke pot all those years,
Copy !req
777. and then I found out you were smoking pot
that whole time.
Copy !req
778. Not the whole time.
Copy !req
779. Just in the evenings
and all day every weekend.
Copy !req
780. Not that much.
Copy !req
781. Honestly, though, when you look at me
do you not think at all, like,
Copy !req
782. "You know, if he just never existed,
Copy !req
783. "I would have avoided
a massive heap of trouble," you know?
Copy !req
784. Absolutely not.
Copy !req
785. I love you totally and completely.
Copy !req
786. You're the best thing
that ever happened to me.
Copy !req
787. I'm the best thing
that ever happened to you?
Copy !req
788. Yeah.
Copy !req
789. Now I just feel bad for you.
Copy !req
790. Hello?
- Hi. Ben?
Copy !req
791. Hey, Allison.
Copy !req
792. - How's it going?
- Good, good.
Copy !req
793. You know, I was just calling to...
Copy !req
794. To let you know
that I've decided to keep the baby.
Copy !req
795. - I'm keeping it.
- Oh.
Copy !req
796. Yeah. So, that's what's happening with that.
Copy !req
797. Good. That's good.
That's what I was hoping you'd do.
Copy !req
798. So, awesome.
Copy !req
799. Yeah. Yeah, it is good.
Copy !req
800. Okay, I know we didn't plan this,
Copy !req
801. and, you know, neither of us
really thought it was gonna happen,
Copy !req
802. but life is like that, you know,
you can't plan for it.
Copy !req
803. And even if we did plan, life doesn't
care about your plans, necessarily.
Copy !req
804. And you just kind of have
to go with the flow and, you know,
Copy !req
805. I know my job is to just support you
in whatever it is you wanna do,
Copy !req
806. and, I'm in, you know.
Copy !req
807. So whatever you wanna do,
I'm gonna do, you know. It's...
Copy !req
808. I'm on board. Yay!
Copy !req
809. I really appreciate you saying that.
Copy !req
810. No problem. You know, so I'll tell you,
Copy !req
811. you know, maybe if you could help me
by telling me, like,
Copy !req
812. one thing that I am supposed to do,
then that would be good,
Copy !req
813. because I literally have no idea whatsoever.
Copy !req
814. I have no idea, either.
Copy !req
815. So, do you want to, like, get together
and talk about it or something like that?
Copy !req
816. - Yeah, sure.
- Like a date? I mean...
Copy !req
817. Yeah.
Copy !req
818. - Hey.
- Hi.
Copy !req
819. - You look beautiful.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
820. No problem. Come on in.
Copy !req
821. - Everyone, this is Allison.
- Hi.
Copy !req
822. - Ally. Hey. Jason, I'm sure you remember.
- Yes.
Copy !req
823. - You look beautiful.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
824. Your body's responding really well
to the pregnancy.
Copy !req
825. Thank you.
Copy !req
826. - It's amazing how fast the milk arrives.
Oh.
Copy !req
827. - How's your sis?
- She's good.
Copy !req
828. - Oh, good. Tell her, "What's up?" for me.
- Okay.
Copy !req
829. All right, I'm gonna go make
a protein shake.
Copy !req
830. And this beautiful young man is Jonah.
Copy !req
831. - Hi.
- Hey.
Copy !req
832. Okay, that's Martin and Jodi over there.
Copy !req
833. Hi.
Copy !req
834. I'm gonna grab my shirt.
Just take a seat if you want.
Copy !req
835. - Okay.
- Cool.
Copy !req
836. You are scared, aren't you?
Copy !req
837. Just another day at the office.
Copy !req
838. Do you have any acting experience?
- No.
Copy !req
839. How's it going? You wanna toke?
Copy !req
840. No. I'm good.
Copy !req
841. - Hi.
- Hi.
Copy !req
842. - I'm Jodi.
- Yeah, hi.
Copy !req
843. I heard you were pregnant.
Copy !req
844. Oh, aren't you scared?
Copy !req
845. The way it's gonna come out of your...
Copy !req
846. It's gonna hurt a lot, I bet.
Your vagina...
Copy !req
847. - That's so sick.
- I don't know.
Copy !req
848. - Are you hungry?
- No, I'm okay right now. Thank you.
Copy !req
849. You must be angry at the baby
whenever it steals your food, huh?
Copy !req
850. "Oh, it's mine, not yours."
Copy !req
851. But, you know, because you're family,
you got to share.
Copy !req
852. Right.
Copy !req
853. Man, my balls are shaved.
My pubes are trimmed.
Copy !req
854. I'm ready to fucking rock this shit.
Copy !req
855. What the fuck, man?
Copy !req
856. If I go in there and see fucking pubes
sprinkled on the toilet seat,
Copy !req
857. I'm gonna fucking lose my mind!
Copy !req
858. Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay,
Copy !req
859. I took a shit and my shit looked like
a fucking stuffed animal!
Copy !req
860. You're embarrassing me in company.
Copy !req
861. You embarrass yourself.
Copy !req
862. Oh, great. I hope you have a great evening!
Copy !req
863. - All right. Let's go.
- Okay.
Copy !req
864. See you guys later.
Copy !req
865. The funny thing is I really had
never even thought about having a baby.
Copy !req
866. - Yeah.
- I mean, if this hadn't happened,
Copy !req
867. I don't think I would have wanted
to have a baby for like,
Copy !req
868. - I don't know, at least 10 years.
- At least!
Copy !req
869. God, I mean, honestly,
I just got used to the, like,
Copy !req
870. notion that someone would even
have sex with me.
Copy !req
871. I didn't think this would happen.
Copy !req
872. Get ready.
Copy !req
873. This will be coming out of you
in seven months.
Copy !req
874. This is exactly what our baby will look like.
Copy !req
875. - It's a beautiful picture, Ben.
- It is. It's not bad.
Copy !req
876. Hello, Mommy.
Copy !req
877. - Our baby's gonna be French-Canadian.
- With a little hint of Spanish.
Copy !req
878. Exactly. I'm not good with accents, but...
Copy !req
879. Baby books.
- Awesome.
Copy !req
880. "What to Expect When You're Expecting:"
Copy !req
881. - What can we expect?
- Well, you can't eat sushi.
Copy !req
882. You can't smoke.
Copy !req
883. You can't smoke marijuana.
You can't smoke crack.
Copy !req
884. You can't jump on trampolines.
Copy !req
885. This is basically
a giant list of things you can't do.
Copy !req
886. Yeah, it sounds thrilling.
Copy !req
887. I'm gonna be sitting there
on the trampoline smoking crack.
Copy !req
888. And you're not gonna have anything to do.
You're gonna be bored.
Copy !req
889. But I can't wait to read these, honestly.
Copy !req
890. Seriously, I put these
in front of my toilet, though,
Copy !req
891. they'll be read by tomorrow morning.
Copy !req
892. - Do you want me to get you that?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
893. - You like it?
- Yeah, thank you.
Copy !req
894. No problem.
Copy !req
895. These are heavy.
Copy !req
896. So what do you think?
Should we have sex tonight?
Copy !req
897. Sounds awful.
Copy !req
898. I'm just really constipated.
Copy !req
899. - Do you really want to?
- Well, now...
Copy !req
900. Shut up.
Copy !req
901. - It's pretty crazy, your sister's pregnant.
- We have to help her.
Copy !req
902. I think they'll be fine. Look at us.
It happened to us.
Copy !req
903. - We'll help her raise the baby.
- Well...
Copy !req
904. Fuck!
Copy !req
905. At least we don't have to use a condom,
you know?
Copy !req
906. But we can. I don't...
I brought some just in case. I don't...
Copy !req
907. I don't have VD or anything.
I mean, I don't, I thought...
Copy !req
908. - It's not that.
- You know, it's just...
Copy !req
909. I thought maybe we could get a little fun
out of your situation, you know?
Copy !req
910. Okay, first of all, it's not my situation.
It's our situation.
Copy !req
911. I know, of course, I know that.
Copy !req
912. And just because I'm pregnant,
I'm not some ruined woman
Copy !req
913. - and all romance goes out the door.
- Okay, okay. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
914. It's just...
Copy !req
915. I like you a lot. That's all this is. That's...
Copy !req
916. - I like you, too.
- Sweet.
Copy !req
917. A little, so far.
Copy !req
918. I mean, we have seven months
before the baby comes.
Copy !req
919. - We don't have to rush it.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
920. We should really just try
to get to know each other
Copy !req
921. and give this a real shot.
Copy !req
922. You know, we got ourselves
into this situation. We kind of have to.
Copy !req
923. - For the baby, right?
- Exactly.
Copy !req
924. Okay, if this was our second date,
what would you do?
Copy !req
925. B.J., if I'm just being honest,
I would probably...
Copy !req
926. I told my roommates
I thought I was gonna get a B.J., so...
Copy !req
927. You know what?
Copy !req
928. For the sake of getting to know one another,
can you not talk like that?
Copy !req
929. Yeah, I can do that. I'm... I'm really nervous.
Copy !req
930. - I'm nervous, too. I'm really nervous.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
931. You're a sweet guy, right?
Copy !req
932. I think I am. Yeah.
Copy !req
933. - Don't fuck me over, okay?
- I wouldn't do that.
Copy !req
934. Just so you know,
I'm the guy girls fuck over.
Copy !req
935. I'm that guy. So you don't fuck me over.
Copy !req
936. - Okay?
- Okay.
Copy !req
937. I couldn't take it.
I can't raise this baby alone.
Copy !req
938. - Who's he?
- I'm Ben Stone.
Copy !req
939. He's my boyfriend.
Copy !req
940. That's nice.
Copy !req
941. - I've never met him before.
- Well, he's a new boyfriend.
Copy !req
942. But a boyfriend.
Copy !req
943. So he came over for breakfast
because he's your new boyfriend?
Copy !req
944. Yeah. He came from his house.
Copy !req
945. Drove over to our house
Copy !req
946. because he thought it would be fun
to have breakfast with us,
Copy !req
947. so he drove his car from his house
to our house to have breakfast.
Copy !req
948. Because he likes breakfast so much.
Copy !req
949. I love breakfast.
Copy !req
950. You guys wanna hear something neat?
We're gonna have a baby together.
Copy !req
951. What?
- Yeah, a baby.
Copy !req
952. Well, you're not married.
Copy !req
953. Aren't you supposed to be married
to have a baby?
Copy !req
954. You don't have to be.
Copy !req
955. But they should be
because they love each other,
Copy !req
956. and people who love each other
get married and have babies.
Copy !req
957. Do you love each other?
Copy !req
958. Yes, they love each other.
Because that's what you do.
Copy !req
959. When you love each other,
you get married and have a baby.
Copy !req
960. Where do babies come from?
Copy !req
961. Where do you think
they come from?
Copy !req
962. Well, I think a stork, he drops it down,
Copy !req
963. and then a hole goes in your body,
Copy !req
964. and there's blood everywhere,
coming out of your head,
Copy !req
965. and then you push your belly button,
and then your butt falls off,
Copy !req
966. and then you hold your butt
and you have to dig,
Copy !req
967. and you'll find a little baby.
Copy !req
968. That's exactly right.
Copy !req
969. Feed the teddy bear.
Copy !req
970. Okay, I feed your bear the grass?
Copy !req
971. Okay.
Copy !req
972. You know what your bear would also
like to do with some grass?
Copy !req
973. Smoke it.
Copy !req
974. What do you think of him?
He's funny, right?
Copy !req
975. Fetch.
Copy !req
976. All right, bring it back.
Copy !req
977. He's playing fetch with my kids.
Copy !req
978. - He's treating my kids like they're dogs.
- No, he's not.
Copy !req
979. - Go get it! Fetch!
Who plays fetch with kids?
Copy !req
980. He's trying. He's making an effort.
Copy !req
981. - Bring it back.
- He's overweight.
Copy !req
982. Where does that end?
Copy !req
983. - How old is he?
- 23.
Copy !req
984. Looks 33.
Copy !req
985. He can barely get in and out
of that little house.
Copy !req
986. Imagine how much bigger he's gonna get.
Copy !req
987. That means he has bad genes.
Copy !req
988. - Your kid is gonna be overweight.
- Shit.
Copy !req
989. I'm gonna get you!
Copy !req
990. I'm gonna get...
Copy !req
991. Just give him a break.
Copy !req
992. Okay. I'll try.
Copy !req
993. They seem to love bubbles.
Copy !req
994. Oh, God. They go ape shit over bubbles.
Copy !req
995. They're really going ape shit.
Copy !req
996. I mean, that's an incredible thing
about a child.
Copy !req
997. I mean, what's so great about bubbles?
Copy !req
998. They float. You can pop them.
I mean, I get it. I get it.
Copy !req
999. I wish I liked anything
as much as my kids like bubbles.
Copy !req
1000. - That's sad.
- It's totally sad.
Copy !req
1001. Their smiling faces just point out
your inability to enjoy anything.
Copy !req
1002. Am I gonna be okay, man?
Copy !req
1003. Oh, who knows?
Copy !req
1004. Is anybody okay? I'm not okay.
Copy !req
1005. You're asking the wrong guy.
Copy !req
1006. Just don't ask me to lend you any money,
you know?
Copy !req
1007. Can I just have some?
Copy !req
1008. No.
Copy !req
1009. I have 15 years of tennis lessons.
Copy !req
1010. And 12 years of sucking dick lessons.
Copy !req
1011. - So?
- I can't ref the next games, by the way.
Copy !req
1012. I got to go meet gynaecologists
with Allison.
Copy !req
1013. She doesn't like her gynaecologist.
Copy !req
1014. - You think she likes you?
- She's trying to.
Copy !req
1015. - She's entertaining the idea of liking you.
- Exactly. I'll take that.
Copy !req
1016. Yeah, well, see,
she's bringing you to the gynaechiatrist.
Copy !req
1017. - She must like you.
- Yeah. Pretty good, I think.
Copy !req
1018. You know who I'd like to get pregnant,
is that Felicity Huffman, man.
Copy !req
1019. Ever since Transamerica,
I can't get her out of my mind.
Copy !req
1020. Okay, guys. I hate to crack the whip,
but it's kind of business meeting time.
Copy !req
1021. I need moolah.
Copy !req
1022. - When do you think we can launch this site?
- Jeez.
Copy !req
1023. Look, man. You can't rush this.
Copy !req
1024. You know what happens to these sites
when they go up
Copy !req
1025. and they don't function well? They die.
Copy !req
1026. Seriously, guys, let's say
I want to launch today.
Copy !req
1027. Let's start.
Let's use that as a jumping off point.
Copy !req
1028. Let's make this happen. What can we do?
Copy !req
1029. Look, man, I didn't go to Yale
so I could work 12 hours a day.
Copy !req
1030. I thought you went
to Santa Monica City College.
Copy !req
1031. I went where I went, Jason.
Copy !req
1032. I'm not asking you to work 12 hours a day.
Copy !req
1033. I mean, you guys watch movies
without nudity in them.
Copy !req
1034. I'll tell you what, man. We could probably
get it online in three months.
Copy !req
1035. Thank you. Yes! Three months.
Copy !req
1036. Come on, Jason!
Copy !req
1037. Fuck off!
Copy !req
1038. Yeah, well,
you still have a little dick, Cartman.
Copy !req
1039. - Do you have mints?
- Yeah, right there.
Copy !req
1040. I see what you're saying. Totally.
Copy !req
1041. I don't get how you're comfortable
with any of these guys
Copy !req
1042. when they're doing
what they're doing to you.
Copy !req
1043. First guy...
Copy !req
1044. Oh, there that shit is.
I've been looking for that.
Copy !req
1045. The first guy, when he put his finger in,
he gave me this look like,
Copy !req
1046. "Sorry, man, it's the job" and I'm like,
"Don't look at me when your finger's..."
Copy !req
1047. I mean, get in and get out.
Get on with your day, you know?
Copy !req
1048. That's the closest I'll ever come
to being in a threesome, I think.
Copy !req
1049. Really?
Copy !req
1050. If you had to do a threesome with me
and one of my other roommates,
Copy !req
1051. who would it be?
Copy !req
1052. Um...
Copy !req
1053. - I'm gonna have to go with Jay.
- Oh, no.
Copy !req
1054. - Yeah.
- Jay?
Copy !req
1055. I'm really turned on
by his sort of skinny awkwardness
Copy !req
1056. - and his hot little Mohawk.
- His Mohawk.
Copy !req
1057. You two are never allowed
to be in the same room ever again.
Copy !req
1058. If we ever had a three-way with Jay,
you turn around, he'd be sucking my dick.
Copy !req
1059. I'm telling you right now.
Copy !req
1060. - Do you smoke cigarettes?
- No.
Copy !req
1061. - Do you smoke cigarettes?
- I have on occasion.
Copy !req
1062. On occasion? When?
When was the last time you had one cig?
Copy !req
1063. You know, one, you know, little...
I need to know, or I will not be your doctor.
Copy !req
1064. How you doing?
Copy !req
1065. I'm breathing like James Gandolfini
over here.
Copy !req
1066. Slow down, man.
You're making me look like a jackass.
Copy !req
1067. How long you kids been married?
Copy !req
1068. - We're not.
- No.
Copy !req
1069. - You're single?
- She's not single. She's just not married.
Copy !req
1070. Are you two together?
Copy !req
1071. Hey, you wanna trade boyfriends?
Copy !req
1072. Just kidding. Kind of.
Copy !req
1073. That is not your vagina. That's your asshole.
Copy !req
1074. That happens about five times a day.
Copy !req
1075. Are you sure
you don't wanna come paintballing?
Copy !req
1076. Have fun, guys. Seriously. Watch the eyes.
Copy !req
1077. See you, guys.
See you, Ally. Bye.
Copy !req
1078. I don't wanna go. I swear to God.
Copy !req
1079. I wanna see Breathless at the LACMA.
Copy !req
1080. Boobs! Boobs, boobs, boobs!
Copy !req
1081. - Hold on, pause it, pause it, pause it.
- Boobs and bush! Boobs and bush.
Copy !req
1082. - Good boobs.
- Those are good ones!
Copy !req
1083. We're like 35 seconds in. Nice.
Copy !req
1084. - Right in the beginning credits.
- Credit bush.
Copy !req
1085. - You never get opening credit bush.
- I know. That's so crazy.
Copy !req
1086. No.
Copy !req
1087. You got me.
Copy !req
1088. You got me.
Copy !req
1089. How many doctors are there
in your practise?
Copy !req
1090. Just 'cause I'm sort of looking
for a more personal experience.
Copy !req
1091. I wanna make sure
that you're my doctor on the day, and...
Copy !req
1092. Yeah, I understand.
Copy !req
1093. We have three other doctors in the practise,
but I'm your man, okay?
Copy !req
1094. I don't take vacations. I hate Hawaii.
Copy !req
1095. I went to the Caribbean when I was 14,
and I'm never going back.
Copy !req
1096. I feel really good about this.
I think we found our doctor.
Copy !req
1097. - Really?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1098. All right.
Copy !req
1099. - Are you serious right now?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1100. Wow.
Copy !req
1101. - You look relieved.
- I am very relieved.
Copy !req
1102. I can't imagine meeting
any more of you people.
Copy !req
1103. You're being dramatic.
We didn't meet that many.
Copy !req
1104. - Do they know?
- Pardon?
Copy !req
1105. - The belly.
- Oh, yeah. The doughnuts, they call to me.
Copy !req
1106. - Hey, Allison. Great job.
- Thanks.
Copy !req
1107. - You're pregnant, aren't you?
- What?
Copy !req
1108. I mean, you've put on like,
eight pounds, nine.
Copy !req
1109. It's all in your uterus.
Copy !req
1110. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1111. I haven't told them.
Do you think they're gonna be mad?
Copy !req
1112. I'm, like, really chickening out about this.
Copy !req
1113. It's okay. We can hide this.
Copy !req
1114. We'll dress you in black,
and we'll emphasise your boobs.
Copy !req
1115. Awesome.
Copy !req
1116. I mean, your boobs are gonna be big.
Copy !req
1117. And then they're gonna be, like, scary big.
Copy !req
1118. But then they'll go down.
And then they'll stay down.
Copy !req
1119. Just... Just don't say anything, okay?
Please don't say anything.
Copy !req
1120. Oh, no, I won't, I won't.
Just tell them. They'll be cool.
Copy !req
1121. Everybody loves somebody pregnant.
Copy !req
1122. Did you see this sex offender website?
Copy !req
1123. These are all the sex offenders
in our neighbourhood.
Copy !req
1124. Looks like your computer has chicken pox.
Copy !req
1125. Those are sex offenders.
Copy !req
1126. These people live in our neighbourhood.
Copy !req
1127. Well, I'll skip their houses
when we're trick-or-treating.
Copy !req
1128. What do you want me to do? Form a posse?
Copy !req
1129. Got your six-shooter on you?
I got my lynching rope.
Copy !req
1130. - You shouldn't take it so lightly.
- I don't take it lightly.
Copy !req
1131. You know, I'm not gonna go over
to any of these people's houses and say,
Copy !req
1132. "Hey, do you mind... Can you baby-sit?"
Copy !req
1133. If I didn't care about these things,
you wouldn't care about anything.
Copy !req
1134. Care more.
Copy !req
1135. You're so concerned with stuff,
like "Don't get them vaccinated.
Copy !req
1136. "Don't let them eat fish.
There's mercury in the water."
Copy !req
1137. Jesus, how much
Dateline NBC can you watch?
Copy !req
1138. I know we're supposed to be
nice with each other right now,
Copy !req
1139. but I'm having a really hard time.
Copy !req
1140. - I'm struggling with it right now.
- What am I doing?
Copy !req
1141. 'Cause I want to rip your fucking head off
because you're so fucking stupid!
Copy !req
1142. This is scary. These are our children.
Copy !req
1143. You fucking dipshit. God! You...
Copy !req
1144. I literally am at a point
where I don't know what I can say.
Copy !req
1145. So I'm the bad guy
Copy !req
1146. because I'm trying to protect our kids
from child molesters and mercury?
Copy !req
1147. And you're cool 'cause you don't give a shit.
Copy !req
1148. - Yeah.
- Yeah? Is that it?
Copy !req
1149. - Pretty much.
- God, you're an asshole.
Copy !req
1150. - Don't do this in front of Ben.
- I don't give a shit about Ben.
Copy !req
1151. - Sorry, Ben.
- It's okay. I didn't think she did, anyway.
Copy !req
1152. - Okay, come on! Let's go.
- Oh, I can't go.
Copy !req
1153. This band is doing a showcase
out in the Valley. I got to go.
Copy !req
1154. It's Saturday.
Copy !req
1155. I got to go.
Copy !req
1156. You don't want to know the sex of the baby?
That's no fun.
Copy !req
1157. Ben knows, but I've sworn him to secrecy.
Copy !req
1158. - I'll get it out of him.
- No.
Copy !req
1159. Hey.
Copy !req
1160. Think we'll ever be as happy
as Baby Björn couple is?
Copy !req
1161. We are that happy.
Copy !req
1162. Yeah. You look happy.
Copy !req
1163. Which is awesome,
'cause I never like guys like you. It's great.
Copy !req
1164. You keep saying that. I know.
Copy !req
1165. This is it. This is perfect.
Copy !req
1166. Nice.
Copy !req
1167. Holy shit! It's 1,400 bucks.
Copy !req
1168. - We can just borrow yours. Is that okay?
- No. You need your own crib.
Copy !req
1169. You know, there's one of these
lying in an alley behind my house.
Copy !req
1170. We could just grab that.
Just rub Purell all over it.
Copy !req
1171. You know what? Let me buy it.
I need to get you a baby present anyway.
Copy !req
1172. - And I would love to get it for you.
- No.
Copy !req
1173. - I'm serious. I want to.
- No. It's too much.
Copy !req
1174. Yes. We'll take it.
Copy !req
1175. Obviously, I mean, don't insult the woman.
She wants to get us a gift.
Copy !req
1176. Right.
Copy !req
1177. Wanna buy me some new shoes?
What else can I squeeze out of you?
Copy !req
1178. Xbox 360. Xbox 360.
Copy !req
1179. So hot in the Valley.
Copy !req
1180. - Hey! Oh, Allison!
- Hi.
Copy !req
1181. How are you?
Copy !req
1182. It's so good to see you.
Copy !req
1183. We've been watching you on E!
It's the coolest thing.
Copy !req
1184. Yeah, it's been super exciting,
just crazy busy.
Copy !req
1185. I'm so sorry I haven't called.
Copy !req
1186. - Oh, it's fine.
- Hi, I'm Ashley.
Copy !req
1187. - This is my friend, Ben.
- I'm Ben.
Copy !req
1188. I went to school with Allison.
Copy !req
1189. - Okay, so, is Debbie having another baby?
- No. Allison is.
Copy !req
1190. What? I just saw you a couple months ago.
You're pregnant?
Copy !req
1191. It was a big surprise.
Copy !req
1192. It's actually...
It's a really funny story, actually.
Copy !req
1193. If you guys... If you got a second to hear it.
Copy !req
1194. It's not really funny. It's not funny.
Copy !req
1195. Let them be the judge, okay?
I think it's funny.
Copy !req
1196. You know they say don't drink and drive?
Copy !req
1197. - Don't drink and bone!
- Wow.
Copy !req
1198. Okay.
Copy !req
1199. Yeah, I mean, she was acting weird,
and I really think it's just 'cause, like,
Copy !req
1200. you know,
I haven't made an honest woman out of her.
Copy !req
1201. She's carrying my bastard child.
No one wants that.
Copy !req
1202. That's what I did. I mean,
I married Debbie when she got pregnant.
Copy !req
1203. You think she's, like, hiding me?
Copy !req
1204. Like, she's, like, embarrassed by me
or something like that?
Copy !req
1205. Probably. I'd hide you.
Copy !req
1206. - How much do wedding rings cost?
- I mean, it really depends, you know?
Copy !req
1207. I think you're supposed to spend,
like, three months' pay on a ring.
Copy !req
1208. That'll be easy. I don't make any money.
Copy !req
1209. Really?
I thought there was lot of money in porn.
Copy !req
1210. God, it's not porn, okay?
Copy !req
1211. All we do is we show you
what nude scenes are in what movies.
Copy !req
1212. - Oh, like Mr Skin?
- Who's Mr Skin?
Copy !req
1213. Dude, Mr Skin.
Copy !req
1214. Mr Skin?
Copy !req
1215. No!
Copy !req
1216. We've wasted 14 months of our lives.
Copy !req
1217. This is exactly the same as our site.
How the fuck did this happen?
Copy !req
1218. Mr Skin.
That's even a better name than ours!
Copy !req
1219. Fuck me in the beard.
Copy !req
1220. Dude, they got the top 10
group shower scenes!
Copy !req
1221. - Why didn't you think of that, Jay?
- Don't put this on me!
Copy !req
1222. God damn it!
Copy !req
1223. Well, shit, I saw it online at one point,
but I guess I didn't connect the dots.
Copy !req
1224. What are we gonna do now?
Copy !req
1225. All we need to do is think
of a new, better idea
Copy !req
1226. that no one else has thought of already.
Copy !req
1227. Oh, dude, Spider-Man 3
starts in eight minutes.
Copy !req
1228. Don't worry, man. We'll figure it out.
Copy !req
1229. You know what?
Copy !req
1230. I think just because this site exists
Copy !req
1231. doesn't mean our site won't work,
necessarily.
Copy !req
1232. - Good things come in pairs, man, you know.
- Oh, for sure.
Copy !req
1233. Volcano, Dante's Peak,
Deep Impact, Armageddon, right?
Copy !req
1234. - Wyatt Earp, Tombstone.
- Panda Express, Yoshinoya Beef Bowl.
Copy !req
1235. Exactly. We can work together.
This can help us, if anything, I think.
Copy !req
1236. We're fine. We're golden.
Copy !req
1237. Look, Allison, I'm sure this isn't
how you pictured it being, exactly,
Copy !req
1238. and it's not how I wanted it to be,
Copy !req
1239. but that is why I'm presenting you
this empty box.
Copy !req
1240. It's a promise, Allison.
Copy !req
1241. It's a promise that one day I will...
Copy !req
1242. I will fill this box with a ring
that you deserve, a beautiful ring.
Copy !req
1243. And I can't afford it yet.
Copy !req
1244. I've picked it out already, though,
and it's at De Beers, and it's really nice.
Copy !req
1245. So basically I'm asking you,
will you marry me?
Copy !req
1246. Because I'm in love with you.
Copy !req
1247. - I love you, too.
- Really?
Copy !req
1248. Oh, man, that's so nice to hear.
Copy !req
1249. That's the first time a girl's ever said that
to me, so...
Copy !req
1250. - But here's the thing.
- There's a thing?
Copy !req
1251. I don't really know yet
what that love means, you know.
Copy !req
1252. Just 'cause it's so new,
and it's so exciting that it's great.
Copy !req
1253. I don't know. We've only
known each other 17 weeks, so it's...
Copy !req
1254. Okay.
Copy !req
1255. Honestly, I mean, I thought...
Copy !req
1256. I thought you felt weird
that we're having a baby
Copy !req
1257. and we're not engaged or anything.
Copy !req
1258. - I'm gonna get off my knee.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1259. - It's hurting a little bit.
- No, I'm okay with that.
Copy !req
1260. You know, we're just doing what we can.
Copy !req
1261. We're making the best of it,
and I don't want us
Copy !req
1262. to put any more pressure on ourselves
than we already have.
Copy !req
1263. Okay. Yeah. That makes perfect sense.
Copy !req
1264. Are you okay?
I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Copy !req
1265. No, no, no. Honestly, I just wanted
to do right by you, you know?
Copy !req
1266. So if you don't want to,
that's totally cool, you know?
Copy !req
1267. Okay.
Copy !req
1268. - I really do love you.
- I know. Thanks.
Copy !req
1269. You mentioned that. It's nice.
Copy !req
1270. Ben proposed to me.
Copy !req
1271. - What?
- He did.
Copy !req
1272. It was really sweet.
I kind of feel a little bit bad about it.
Copy !req
1273. He was, like,
wearing this great little button-down.
Copy !req
1274. He tucked his shirt in.
He got down on one knee. It was so sweet.
Copy !req
1275. He didn't have an actual ring, though.
It was just an empty box.
Copy !req
1276. But, you know, he had this whole spiel
about when he has the money,
Copy !req
1277. he's gonna buy me the ring that I deserve
and...
Copy !req
1278. The box was just empty?
Copy !req
1279. I mean, he can't afford a ring, so...
Copy !req
1280. So he got down on one knee
and gave you an empty box?
Copy !req
1281. - Yes.
- I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1282. Get over it. It was sweet.
Copy !req
1283. I'm telling you, if you'd been there,
you would have probably cried.
Copy !req
1284. - You need to train him.
- Huh?
Copy !req
1285. Oprah said that when two people meet,
Copy !req
1286. they are forced to point out
each other's differences and flaws.
Copy !req
1287. I thought you were supposed to just accept
people for who they are, love them anyway.
Copy !req
1288. You criticise them a lot,
Copy !req
1289. and then they get so down on themselves
that they're forced to change.
Copy !req
1290. Really? You don't think
that would just make it worse?
Copy !req
1291. That'd be, like, naggy.
Copy !req
1292. And then in the end, they thank you for it.
Copy !req
1293. You can't commit to him.
You can't make a commitment to him.
Copy !req
1294. You don't even know him.
I don't even know Pete after 10 years.
Copy !req
1295. - What?
- I don't know what he's up to.
Copy !req
1296. He's miserable.
Copy !req
1297. Why do you say that?
Copy !req
1298. - I think he's cheating on me.
- What?
Copy !req
1299. He's always going off
to these business meetings at odd hours.
Copy !req
1300. And then I try to call him on his cell phone,
Copy !req
1301. and he says that he's
in bad cell phone reception areas
Copy !req
1302. when he's in good
cell phone reception areas.
Copy !req
1303. Maybe he's working late.
Copy !req
1304. You know, I mean,
maybe he's just working really hard
Copy !req
1305. to sign a new great band or something.
Copy !req
1306. I can't imagine
Pete doing something like that.
Copy !req
1307. There's no part of you that thinks
that maybe he's a dirty little scumbag?
Copy !req
1308. - No.
- I think he might be.
Copy !req
1309. "Memory Spy, web memory software.
Copy !req
1310. "Locate history files, websites visited,
Copy !req
1311. "hidden downloads, searches, email history.
Memory Spy."
Copy !req
1312. Let's see you hide from me now, little man.
Copy !req
1313. So you're not even gonna tell them?
Copy !req
1314. No. You know, I don't have to tell them.
Copy !req
1315. It's illegal for them to fire me over it anyway,
Copy !req
1316. and I get three months maternity leave
if I stay,
Copy !req
1317. so I'm just, you know, not gonna tell them.
Copy !req
1318. - That's a good plan.
- Yeah. I like it.
Copy !req
1319. It is a good plan until her water breaks
all over Robert De Niro's shoes.
Copy !req
1320. "My shoes!
Hey, there's all this baby goo on it."
Copy !req
1321. "These shoes? On these shoes?
Copy !req
1322. "Did you puke on my shoes?"
Copy !req
1323. - "Did your water break on my shoes?"
- "Did you puke on my shoes?"
Copy !req
1324. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1325. Isn't it weird, though, when you have a kid
and all your dreams and hopes
Copy !req
1326. just go right out the window?
Copy !req
1327. What changed for you?
What went out the window? What plans?
Copy !req
1328. You do everything exactly the same.
Copy !req
1329. No, I mean, I love what I'm doing.
Like, say...
Copy !req
1330. Okay, say, you know, before you're married
and have children,
Copy !req
1331. you wanna go live in India for a year.
Copy !req
1332. You can do it.
But you can't do it once you have a family.
Copy !req
1333. - You wanna go live in India?
- I don't wanna go live in India.
Copy !req
1334. Do you want to go to India?
Go to India! Seriously, go to India.
Copy !req
1335. What about you?
Do you want to go to India?
Copy !req
1336. I'm not going to India. You can go to India.
Copy !req
1337. I get what he's talking about.
Copy !req
1338. You know, honestly, like,
when I found out about...
Copy !req
1339. I totally, like, I just had this flash of me,
like in a white Ford Bronco,
Copy !req
1340. and I'm just hauling ass for Canada, man.
Copy !req
1341. The chopper's taping the whole thing,
and I just...
Copy !req
1342. I bust through the border
and I'm a free man!
Copy !req
1343. That's all I kept thinking, man.
You know what I'm saying? It was a flash!
Copy !req
1344. - Wait. What do you mean?
- What are you... Don't look at me.
Copy !req
1345. - We can talk about our fears here.
- It's not like he did it.
Copy !req
1346. I mean, honestly, like, if Doc Brown
screeched up in front of you
Copy !req
1347. in the DeLorean. Open the door, he's like,
Copy !req
1348. "Hey, Allison, come on. I got the car here.
What do you wanna do?"
Copy !req
1349. No part of your brain would have been, like,
"You know, maybe we'll go back
Copy !req
1350. "to that night and I would maybe
put a condom on Ben's dick."
Copy !req
1351. - You never got that flash?
- No.
Copy !req
1352. And I don't know what you're talking about.
Copy !req
1353. "Where we're going, we don't need roads."
Copy !req
1354. Exactly. You wouldn't do that?
- I don't know who Doc Brown is.
Copy !req
1355. What are you talking about?
Copy !req
1356. Doc Brown is the guy
who's Christopher Lloyd.
Copy !req
1357. He invented the DeLorean, the time machine.
Copy !req
1358. - He's the one who made the time machine.
- What?
Copy !req
1359. It's the time machine.
Everyone has the time machine image.
Copy !req
1360. Hey. I have a really good idea.
Copy !req
1361. Why don't the two of you
get into your time machine,
Copy !req
1362. go back in time and fuck each other?
Copy !req
1363. - Who needs a time machine?
- This is my time machine!
Copy !req
1364. I'm gonna throw you in my DeLorean,
gun it to '88.
Copy !req
1365. You are a funny motherfucker, man. Jesus.
Copy !req
1366. How can you fight with him?
Look at his face. I just want to kiss it.
Copy !req
1367. I think he's cute.
Copy !req
1368. I like the way you move.
Copy !req
1369. This is fun! We should do this more, I think.
Copy !req
1370. I mean, this is, like, the most fun
I've had in a really long time.
Copy !req
1371. - Come on, harder.
- I can't do it harder.
Copy !req
1372. Why? Come on.
Come on, just do it. Deeper.
Copy !req
1373. - I can't.
- Oh, why?
Copy !req
1374. - I'll poke the baby if I go deeper.
- Oh, come on! Just do it!
Copy !req
1375. Please, don't yell at me, please don't.
Copy !req
1376. What? The doctor and Debbie said it's fine.
Come on!
Copy !req
1377. Look, can we...
I'm sorry, can we change positions?
Copy !req
1378. - What?
- I'm gonna crush the baby. I know it.
Copy !req
1379. - This is ridiculous! Why are we...
- No, it's not.
Copy !req
1380. There's no shell in there, you know?
Copy !req
1381. Millions of people have sex
when they're pregnant!
Copy !req
1382. I don't know how it works.
It just works, okay? Just do it.
Copy !req
1383. All I'm thinking of is that I'm gonna...
I weigh over 200 pounds.
Copy !req
1384. - Just get over it!
- I can't do it. Can you just get on top?
Copy !req
1385. All I see is our baby
getting poked in the face by my penis.
Copy !req
1386. - Trust me, you're not even close.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1387. - Come on, fine.
- Okay, fine.
Copy !req
1388. Ow, ow, ow.
Copy !req
1389. - That's okay.
- Sorry.
Copy !req
1390. - Okay. Oh, good.
- I can't. I can't.
Copy !req
1391. I can't. I can't do this, I just...
I can't. I can't. I can't focus like this.
Copy !req
1392. I look disgusting from this angle.
I can feel you looking up at my chins.
Copy !req
1393. - I know I look gross.
- No, you look beautiful.
Copy !req
1394. Your chin looks so skinny.
Copy !req
1395. And my boobs are all, like, squishy,
and they're flopping around.
Copy !req
1396. - I can feel it, and it's distracting.
- No...
Copy !req
1397. It's all National Geographic.
Copy !req
1398. Okay. Can we do...
Do you wanna do doggie style?
Copy !req
1399. No. I do not want you to fuck me like a dog.
Copy !req
1400. I'm not fucking you like a dog.
It's doggie style.
Copy !req
1401. It's just the style. It's not...
Copy !req
1402. It's not like a dog.
We don't have to go outside or anything.
Copy !req
1403. - Here we go.
- Okay. Okay.
Copy !req
1404. - Okay, is it good?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1405. - Should I go slower?
- Yeah, no, that's good.
Copy !req
1406. - Okay, faster?
- Harder.
Copy !req
1407. - Just tell me when you're close.
- Just go harder.
Copy !req
1408. - Okay.
- Keep going!
Copy !req
1409. Oh, God.
Copy !req
1410. - Oh, fuck!
- What?
Copy !req
1411. - What happened?
- Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1412. - The baby, it kicked my hand.
- Well, no, no, it always kicks.
Copy !req
1413. - No, no, no. Not like this.
- No, it's fine. It's fine. Just keep going.
Copy !req
1414. - It was a warning kick. This was a bad kick.
- No, no, it's fine. It's fine! It's fine!
Copy !req
1415. Look, my dick must be like
an inch away from its face,
Copy !req
1416. - and it's coming, just coming in at its face.
- Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1417. What if it kicked 'cause it didn't like it?
Copy !req
1418. I can't do that to our baby.
That's the first thing it's gonna see.
Copy !req
1419. What are you talking about?
Copy !req
1420. It's having the baby between,
Copy !req
1421. you know, us, it just makes it weird.
I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1422. - It just freaks me out a bit. It's a little weird.
- I have totally lost it.
Copy !req
1423. - You've totally lost it?
- I've lost it.
Copy !req
1424. Okay.
Copy !req
1425. - Great, you know what? Just forget it.
- Okay. Okay, fine.
Copy !req
1426. Don't worry. I won't make you do this again.
Copy !req
1427. Shit.
Copy !req
1428. Fuck me!
Copy !req
1429. Oh, my God. It's the Russians!
Copy !req
1430. - Jodi, I'll protect you!
- Oh, man!
Copy !req
1431. Ben!
Copy !req
1432. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1433. Oh, God. Oh, no!
Copy !req
1434. Oh, God, that was horrible!
That was so horrible!
Copy !req
1435. - When will it be light out?
- Okay, you're fine, man. Take it easy.
Copy !req
1436. - Hey, did anybody turn off the gas?
I didn't do it.
Copy !req
1437. Oh, motherfucker.
Copy !req
1438. - Hey, Marty.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1439. This is my friend, Alex.
She's a pretty incredible person.
Copy !req
1440. Okay. Nice to meet you.
Copy !req
1441. Whoa, dude! Not cool, Martin.
Copy !req
1442. That's... That wasn't...
Copy !req
1443. Hey, are you serious, Howard Hughes?
Copy !req
1444. - What happened?
Nothing. Nothing happened.
Copy !req
1445. Come on.
- Where were you?
Copy !req
1446. Look, I forgot you were sleeping over.
I'm sorry, okay?
Copy !req
1447. Yeah, 'cause you're getting high
off your huge bong.
Copy !req
1448. How am I supposed to be comfortable
Copy !req
1449. with the idea that you can take care of me
and the baby if you are always getting high?
Copy !req
1450. You want me to stop smoking pot 'cause
there's an earthquake once every 10 years?
Copy !req
1451. That makes no sense, Allison.
Look, you're being irrational.
Copy !req
1452. Just relax, okay?
We're all scared, you know? You just...
Copy !req
1453. Oh, shit, the cops.
Copy !req
1454. California, eh?
Copy !req
1455. You know, it's times like this
I'm glad I don't own nice things.
Copy !req
1456. It's a big mess,
but there's only like $50 worth of shit here.
Copy !req
1457. And that's kind of the good thing.
Copy !req
1458. You know, my dad told me,
"Don't move to Northridge."
Copy !req
1459. But you figure, like, what are the chances
of that happening twice, you know?
Copy !req
1460. - What is this?
- It's a ninja weapon.
Copy !req
1461. I hope this place doesn't get condemned.
That would suck.
Copy !req
1462. - Hello?
- Hey, it's me.
Copy !req
1463. - You!
- Hi. So, listen.
Copy !req
1464. Will you do me a big favour?
Copy !req
1465. Debbie wants us to come over
and have dinner tonight.
Copy !req
1466. She thinks Pete is cheating on her.
Copy !req
1467. - Really?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1468. Well, she saw one of his emails and...
Copy !req
1469. - Oh, man.
- There's an address.
Copy !req
1470. That sounds terrible. I don't want to do that.
Copy !req
1471. - Ben, come on.
- He's not cheating on her.
Copy !req
1472. - How do you know?
- I just know.
Copy !req
1473. - Are you sure?
- I'm 100% sure he's not cheating.
Copy !req
1474. - Are you really?
- No.
Copy !req
1475. It actually kind of
makes sense that he would cheat.
Copy !req
1476. Why?
Copy !req
1477. 'Cause Debbie's a pain in the ass
and Pete's awesome.
Copy !req
1478. Why don't you just come over then,
and we'll just diffuse the situation a little.
Copy !req
1479. I'm just saying
the music industry is different now.
Copy !req
1480. You can't...
Steely Dan would never even have a chance.
Copy !req
1481. Well, maybe it's 'cause
Steely Dan gargles my balls.
Copy !req
1482. - They're incredible.
- They really aren't good, man.
Copy !req
1483. Old Steely Dan.
Copy !req
1484. If I ever listen to Steely Dan, I want you
to slice my head off with an Al Jarreau LP.
Copy !req
1485. Oh, I should get going.
Copy !req
1486. I'm supposed to see this band tonight
in Hollywood.
Copy !req
1487. Actually, they're playing in Laurel Canyon,
Copy !req
1488. so I'll call you 'cause
the reception's terrible over there, so...
Copy !req
1489. Okay.
Copy !req
1490. And I don't want you to worry
'cause I know you worry.
Copy !req
1491. I'm just gonna jump in the shower.
Copy !req
1492. It would be terrible
if I smelled worse than the band.
Copy !req
1493. - Okay. Have fun.
All right.
Copy !req
1494. You guys are crazy.
He's acting totally normal and hilarious.
Copy !req
1495. - She doesn't have a gun, does she?
- No. I don't think so.
Copy !req
1496. - Looks like no one's home.
- Why was the door unlocked?
Copy !req
1497. Wait here.
Copy !req
1498. - I kind of feel bad for Pete.
- What?
Copy !req
1499. This isn't a good way, you know.
Copy !req
1500. If you're gonna get caught cheating,
it shouldn't be like this.
Copy !req
1501. Well, maybe he should've thought of that
before he was cheating.
Copy !req
1502. - Pete!
- Stop it.
Copy !req
1503. I coughed. What do you want from me?
Copy !req
1504. - There's nobody up there.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
1505. - I guess I was wrong.
- I told you.
Copy !req
1506. - Can we get out of here, please?
- Yeah, come on. Let's go.
Copy !req
1507. Suck it!
- Did you hear that?
Copy !req
1508. - What?
- I didn't hear anything.
Copy !req
1509. - Carlos Delgado.
- Excellent choice.
Copy !req
1510. - Too bad I got him three rounds ago.
- You're still on the clock.
Copy !req
1511. - Oh, shit!
- You gotta do something.
Copy !req
1512. We need a name.
Copy !req
1513. Hideki Matsui.
Copy !req
1514. - You just took my whole outfield.
Sorry, Charlie.
Copy !req
1515. - What is this?
- Debbie.
Copy !req
1516. - What the fuck is this?
- It's our fantasy baseball draft.
Copy !req
1517. - We said no wives.
- Your fantasy what?
Copy !req
1518. It's our draft for fantasy baseball.
Copy !req
1519. I told you all about this.
Copy !req
1520. Got Matsui.
Copy !req
1521. Shit!
Copy !req
1522. Hey, Pete, don't let the door hit you
in the vagina on the way out!
Copy !req
1523. Come on, who's going?
Prince, you're on the clock.
Copy !req
1524. I should have told you.
Copy !req
1525. - What else have you been lying about?
- Nothing...
Copy !req
1526. That guy said, "Don't let the door hit you
in the vagina on the way out."
Copy !req
1527. Yeah, I heard him.
Copy !req
1528. That was hilarious.
Copy !req
1529. It's just that I know you've been mad
'cause I've been working so much,
Copy !req
1530. and I didn't want to upset you.
Copy !req
1531. I wouldn't be mad. I don't get mad.
Copy !req
1532. It's a fantasy baseball draft.
I'm not cheating or anything.
Copy !req
1533. No, this is worse.
Copy !req
1534. How is this worse?
Copy !req
1535. This is you wanting to be with your friends
more than your family.
Copy !req
1536. Look, the reason I make that up is because
if I told you what I was really doing,
Copy !req
1537. you would just get mad.
Copy !req
1538. So you think I'm seeing a band,
I do my fantasy draft, and it's win-win.
Copy !req
1539. Well, what'd you do last Wednesday night
when you said you went to see a band?
Copy !req
1540. I went to the movies.
Copy !req
1541. - With who?
- By myself.
Copy !req
1542. - What'd you see?
- Spider-Man 3.
Copy !req
1543. Why do you want to go by yourself?
Why didn't you ask me to go?
Copy !req
1544. Because I needed to get away, you know.
Copy !req
1545. With work and you and the kids,
sometimes I just need some time to myself.
Copy !req
1546. I need time for myself.
I want time for myself, too.
Copy !req
1547. - You're not the only one.
- It's not that big of a deal.
Copy !req
1548. I like Spider-Man.
Copy !req
1549. Okay, so let's see Spider-Man 3 next week.
Copy !req
1550. I don't wanna go see it now.
Copy !req
1551. I don't wanna have to ask you to ask me.
Copy !req
1552. I want you to just come up with it
on your own.
Copy !req
1553. I don't even know what to say.
What do you want me to do?
Copy !req
1554. You just think because you don't yell
that you're not mean, but this is mean.
Copy !req
1555. I'm not being mean. I'm being honest.
You're telling me I need to be honest.
Copy !req
1556. No, you're not. You're lying.
Copy !req
1557. I'm doing it because I need
to keep my sanity a little bit.
Copy !req
1558. You know what? I don't want you
at the house any more, okay?
Copy !req
1559. Come on.
Copy !req
1560. Shit, she's coming back.
Copy !req
1561. How come we go
to the gynaecologist so often?
Copy !req
1562. I bet we have to go so much so we can pay
for that $300,000 machine he has.
Copy !req
1563. I cannot stop thinking
about what an asshole Pete is.
Copy !req
1564. That's a little strong, I would say.
Copy !req
1565. Really?
Copy !req
1566. 'Cause that had to be one of the most
selfish things I've ever witnessed.
Copy !req
1567. It's understandable, I would say.
I even think it's kind of funny.
Copy !req
1568. What's funny about it?
Copy !req
1569. Well, you won't laugh now,
I wouldn't imagine,
Copy !req
1570. but, you know, the situation.
Copy !req
1571. We break into this stranger's house
Copy !req
1572. thinking we're gonna find him
sleeping with a woman,
Copy !req
1573. and it's a bunch of nerds
playing fantasy baseball.
Copy !req
1574. If you saw that, like, on television,
you would laugh.
Copy !req
1575. Is that what you think?
Is that what you wanna do, Ben?
Copy !req
1576. I don't even like baseball.
Copy !req
1577. I'm just saying, when you're a guy
and, you know, you have a family,
Copy !req
1578. you have responsibility,
you lose that male camaraderie.
Copy !req
1579. And I get that. I totally understand
where he's coming from.
Copy !req
1580. Why do guys always go to that place?
Copy !req
1581. "We miss male camaraderie."
Why do I give a shit?
Copy !req
1582. Go hang out
with your bearded freak friends. I don't care.
Copy !req
1583. You wanna hang out with guys that look
like the shoe bomber, it's all on you, man.
Copy !req
1584. What the fuck am I supposed to say to that?
Copy !req
1585. You should just support me!
Copy !req
1586. You know, you should just support
everything I say
Copy !req
1587. because at this juncture in my life,
I'm allowed to be wrong!
Copy !req
1588. - So if you're wrong, I have to support it?
- Yes!
Copy !req
1589. I can't tell you
that you're acting like a lunatic?
Copy !req
1590. - No.
- No? Okay.
Copy !req
1591. That's helpful. You have to do nothing!
Copy !req
1592. I've sacrificed a lot of shit to do this!
Copy !req
1593. - You haven't sacrificed anything!
- I have.
Copy !req
1594. I've had to sacrifice my job, my body,
my youth, my vagina!
Copy !req
1595. - You've sacrificed your vagina?
- Yes! It will never look the same after this!
Copy !req
1596. Well. Fine. I'm sorry,
I'll pay for vaginal reconstructive surgery.
Copy !req
1597. You can't pay for shit!
You can barely buy spaghetti!
Copy !req
1598. You're right! Fine! Okay.
Copy !req
1599. - You know what? Get out of the car.
- You know what? How...
Copy !req
1600. Why don't you not threaten me?
Copy !req
1601. You should just get out of the fucking car.
Copy !req
1602. I'm not gonna get out of the car
in the middle of nowhere! No!
Copy !req
1603. - Get out of the car!
- No.
Copy !req
1604. - I own this car! Get out of my car!
- No.
Copy !req
1605. - Get out of my car!
- No.
Copy !req
1606. Get out of my fucking car!
Copy !req
1607. Can you let me back in the car, please?
Copy !req
1608. Have you calmed down?
Did you take a breath?
Copy !req
1609. I have no clue where we are!
Copy !req
1610. Fine. Go.
Copy !req
1611. Great.
Copy !req
1612. Okay.
Copy !req
1613. Maybe I should take my shoes off.
Or my belt buckle, my belt buckle's huge.
Copy !req
1614. Don't worry about gaining weight.
Copy !req
1615. Your baby wants you to gain
a whole mess of weight.
Copy !req
1616. Are you fucking kidding me?
Copy !req
1617. Why don't you take off your earrings, too?
Copy !req
1618. They weigh about 80 pounds.
Copy !req
1619. They're made out of moon rocks,
aren't they?
Copy !req
1620. Do not make fun of me.
Okay? I am hormonal.
Copy !req
1621. I am terrified, and I am falling apart,
Copy !req
1622. so stop treating everything
like it's a big joke!
Copy !req
1623. Okay, I'm sorry you're freaking out,
Copy !req
1624. but I just walked three fucking miles
through Koreatown to get here!
Copy !req
1625. Sorry if I'm trying
to lighten the mood a little.
Copy !req
1626. Well, don't, okay?
You can't take anything seriously!
Copy !req
1627. You know,
you didn't even read the baby books.
Copy !req
1628. I didn't read the baby book!
What's gonna happen?
Copy !req
1629. How did anyone ever give birth
without a baby book?
Copy !req
1630. That's right.
The ancient Egyptians fucking engraved
Copy !req
1631. What to Expect When You're Expecting
on the pyramid walls!
Copy !req
1632. I forgot about that!
Copy !req
1633. Who gives a flying fuck
about the baby books?
Copy !req
1634. It just shows your lack of commitment, Ben!
Copy !req
1635. That you're not in this with me!
Copy !req
1636. Did you just say "my lack of commitment"?
'Cause that's what it sounded like.
Copy !req
1637. It almost seems as though you forgot
I proposed to you, like an asshole!
Copy !req
1638. And you said no to me!
Copy !req
1639. If you feel that way, you should just go.
Really. Just go.
Copy !req
1640. Because we didn't mean
to do this together, okay?
Copy !req
1641. And... And we tried to make it work
and that was good, I suppose.
Copy !req
1642. But it doesn't work.
Copy !req
1643. Because we are
two completely different people.
Copy !req
1644. And I think it would just be easier
for both of us if we stop fooling ourselves.
Copy !req
1645. You know, I know this isn't you talking,
it's your hormones,
Copy !req
1646. but I would just like to say,
fuck you, hormones!
Copy !req
1647. You are a crazy bitch, hormones.
Not Allison! Hormones!
Copy !req
1648. Fuck them! It's a girl! Buy some pink shit!
Copy !req
1649. Nice. You are such an asshole.
Copy !req
1650. You know what?
Go fuck your fucking bong, you fuck!
Copy !req
1651. I will fuck my bong. Doggie style, for once.
Copy !req
1652. Are you ready?
Copy !req
1653. I'm really sorry about all that.
That was really inappropriate.
Copy !req
1654. Oh, no, that's okay.
It happens all the time here. It's fine.
Copy !req
1655. - Oh, good, okay, I don't feel so stupid, then.
- No, no, not at all.
Copy !req
1656. I totally know
what you're talking about, man.
Copy !req
1657. Like, if I wrote out the list of shit
Allison doesn't let me do,
Copy !req
1658. like, it would be endless. "Don't smoke pot.
Don't have samurai swords in your room.
Copy !req
1659. "Don't have illegal grow operations
in the house."
Copy !req
1660. I mean, like, I could go on all fucking day.
Copy !req
1661. Have I told her to stop
doing anything ever? No.
Copy !req
1662. Marriage is like that show,
Everybody Loves Raymond,
Copy !req
1663. but it's not funny.
Copy !req
1664. All the problems are the same, but it's...
Copy !req
1665. You know,
instead of all the funny, pithy dialogue,
Copy !req
1666. everybody's just really pissed off and tense.
Copy !req
1667. Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version
of Everybody Loves Raymond.
Copy !req
1668. But it doesn't last 22 minutes.
Copy !req
1669. It lasts forever.
Copy !req
1670. Let's get out of here, man.
Honestly, like, let's just go.
Copy !req
1671. - Let's go to Vegas.
- Let's do it.
Copy !req
1672. - Yeah.
- Why not?
Copy !req
1673. - Get up.
- What?
Copy !req
1674. - We're not gonna do this.
- What?
Copy !req
1675. Seriously.
Copy !req
1676. - What are you doing?
- We have to go do something and have fun!
Copy !req
1677. - I'm just so tired.
- I know you're tired.
Copy !req
1678. But we're gonna be untired!
We're gonna go live!
Copy !req
1679. - I hate you so much sometimes.
- We're gonna be positive.
Copy !req
1680. - Positive, positive, positive! Up!
- How many Red Bulls have you had?
Copy !req
1681. I've had about three Red Bulls
in the last 15 minutes.
Copy !req
1682. And I feel fabulous!
Copy !req
1683. We're gonna create a new life
and it's gonna be awesome!
Copy !req
1684. Get up! Let's go!
Copy !req
1685. Since when do we lock this fucking thing?
Come on!
Copy !req
1686. - We can't go, dude. Sorry.
- Holy crap! What happened?
Copy !req
1687. We got pink eye.
Copy !req
1688. What, you giving each other butterfly kisses
or something?
Copy !req
1689. Very funny. That's not how you get pink eye.
Copy !req
1690. You get it from poo particles making
their way into your ocular cavities.
Copy !req
1691. - Hey, Ben. How's it going?
- Yo.
Copy !req
1692. I farted on Jason's pillow as a practical joke.
Copy !req
1693. He farted on Jonah's, thinking it was mine,
and then eventually pink-eyed my pillow.
Copy !req
1694. I'm not proud of any of this,
but I think we've all forgiven each other.
Copy !req
1695. But we can't go anywhere.
Copy !req
1696. You can get pink eye
from farting in a pillow?
Copy !req
1697. - Totally.
- That's awesome!
Copy !req
1698. Yeah, but you got to be bare-assed.
Copy !req
1699. Jesus, Martin got it bad!
Copy !req
1700. What, did someone take a dump
right in your eye?
Copy !req
1701. No. No pink eye for me.
Copy !req
1702. I'm just really high.
Copy !req
1703. Well, stay back, guys.
I got to get my suit, okay?
Copy !req
1704. Fuck you.
Copy !req
1705. - Are you Debbie's husband?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1706. - This is fun!
- This is great.
Copy !req
1707. - It's just fun, man.
- We're gonna have the best time ever.
Copy !req
1708. - We make a good team, man.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1709. It's like, I can't come here with Debbie.
Copy !req
1710. She wouldn't understand it.
She doesn't understand.
Copy !req
1711. She wants to hold me in, and
she was telling Allison she could train you.
Copy !req
1712. She thinks she could train me?
Copy !req
1713. Yeah, like you're running the Triple Crown.
Copy !req
1714. She can't train this!
I'm like Siegfried and Roy's Bengal.
Copy !req
1715. You think I'm trained. I'll...
Copy !req
1716. - I'll bite your fucking face off!
- That's right.
Copy !req
1717. In front of a crowd, baby.
Copy !req
1718. This is better. Besides, I don't know if I have
enough of these babies to go around.
Copy !req
1719. My God! Are these mushrooms?
Copy !req
1720. I got them from a roadie
for the Black Crowes.
Copy !req
1721. I'm eating them.
Copy !req
1722. No, no, no. Save it!
I got tickets to Cirque du Soleil.
Copy !req
1723. - You do? No, you don't.
- I swear to God, man.
Copy !req
1724. Holy shit!
Copy !req
1725. - See? I see the beam of light.
- There it is, baby! Whoo-hoo!
Copy !req
1726. You're so money that you don't even
know how much money you have.
Copy !req
1727. You're money, baby! You're money!
Copy !req
1728. I love Vegas, man.
Copy !req
1729. This is the greatest place on Earth.
Copy !req
1730. - It's really amazing here.
- You got my tie!
Copy !req
1731. This is awesome!
Copy !req
1732. Now, that's how you get pink eye.
Copy !req
1733. Hey, what's up? Baby girl.
Copy !req
1734. - Hi.
- What's up? End of the line, please.
Copy !req
1735. - Really?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1736. - Oh, come on.
- Look, we're at capacity, okay?
Copy !req
1737. We'll let some people in
when it clears out a little.
Copy !req
1738. You'll get right in
if you go back to the end of the line.
Copy !req
1739. We come here all the time.
It's not a big deal.
Copy !req
1740. It doesn't really look that crowded in there.
Copy !req
1741. Hey, look. I don't make the rules.
Copy !req
1742. - Please?
- No.
Copy !req
1743. Hey, what's up, shorty?
What's up, pretty girls?
Copy !req
1744. See y'all when y'all get out.
Copy !req
1745. Watch yourself.
Copy !req
1746. What was that?
Copy !req
1747. - What the fuck was that?
- It is what it is, sweetie.
Copy !req
1748. Now can you step to the back, please?
Copy !req
1749. - You don't need to call me sweetie.
- Maybe we should just go.
Copy !req
1750. Maybe you should listen to your friend.
Copy !req
1751. No, you don't need to call me sweetie.
Copy !req
1752. All right, you want to come in,
you're gonna have to go
Copy !req
1753. to the end of the line
and wait like everybody else.
Copy !req
1754. I'm not gonna go
to the end of the fucking line.
Copy !req
1755. Who the fuck are you?
Copy !req
1756. I have just as much of a right to be here
as any of these little skanky girls!
Copy !req
1757. What, am I not skanky enough for you?
You want me to hike up my fucking skirt?
Copy !req
1758. What the fuck is your problem?
I'm not going anywhere!
Copy !req
1759. You're just some roided out freak
with a fucking clipboard!
Copy !req
1760. And your stupid little fucking rope!
You know what?
Copy !req
1761. You may have power now,
but you're not God!
Copy !req
1762. You're a doorman! Okay?
Copy !req
1763. You're a doorman, doorman, doorman,
doorman, doorman!
Copy !req
1764. So, fuck you, you fucking fag
with your fucking little faggy gloves.
Copy !req
1765. I know.
Copy !req
1766. You're right. I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
1767. I fucking hate this job.
Copy !req
1768. I don't want to be the one
to pass judgement and decide who gets in.
Copy !req
1769. This shit makes me sick to my stomach.
I get the runs from the stress.
Copy !req
1770. It's not 'cause you're not hot.
I would love to tap that ass.
Copy !req
1771. I would tear that ass up.
Copy !req
1772. I can't let you in
'cause you're old as fuck, for this club,
Copy !req
1773. not, you know, for the Earth.
Copy !req
1774. - What?
- You old. She pregnant.
Copy !req
1775. Can't have a bunch of
old, pregnant bitches running around.
Copy !req
1776. That's crazy.
Copy !req
1777. I'm only allowed to let in 5% black people.
He said that. 5%.
Copy !req
1778. That mean if there's 25 people here,
Copy !req
1779. I get to let in
one-and-a-quarter black people.
Copy !req
1780. So I got to hope
there's a black midget in the crowd.
Copy !req
1781. - Now I feel guilty. I'm sorry.
- Why y'all wanna be in here anyway?
Copy !req
1782. Y'all need to be at a yoga class
or something.
Copy !req
1783. What the fuck is she doing at the club?
Copy !req
1784. That's not even good parenting right there.
Copy !req
1785. Your old ass should know better than that.
Copy !req
1786. Oh, God.
Copy !req
1787. Have the mushrooms kicked in yet?
Copy !req
1788. This was a great idea, man.
Copy !req
1789. This is the best idea I've ever had in my life.
Copy !req
1790. What are they gonna do?
Copy !req
1791. What in the world are they doing?
Copy !req
1792. If I shaved my stomach and my chest,
I would look exactly like that.
Copy !req
1793. Those guys are at work right now.
Copy !req
1794. "What'd you do today?"
"I just lifted my brother."
Copy !req
1795. No. Don't applaud. He'll fall.
Copy !req
1796. I'm freaking out right now, man.
Copy !req
1797. The mushrooms are turning on me.
Copy !req
1798. - Papa.
- I'm not your papa!
Copy !req
1799. Papa!
Copy !req
1800. I can't deal with this shit, man!
Copy !req
1801. Hold up. Hold up.
Ben, wait. Ben, Ben, Ben wait!
Copy !req
1802. It's over.
Copy !req
1803. - What's over?
- My youth.
Copy !req
1804. - Oh, don't say that.
- It's true.
Copy !req
1805. - I just wanna dance. I love dancing.
- So dance.
Copy !req
1806. - I can't dance. I'm embarrassed.
- I should be embarrassed.
Copy !req
1807. I'm a fucking whale, and I'm trying
to get into some stupid club and...
Copy !req
1808. No, you look beautiful.
Copy !req
1809. And you're young and you're tall,
Copy !req
1810. and you got the good lips and boobs,
and you're young still.
Copy !req
1811. I'm gonna be alone.
Copy !req
1812. - Debbie, no, you're not.
- Yes, I am.
Copy !req
1813. Oh, God!
Copy !req
1814. Fucking men!
Copy !req
1815. I get worse-looking
and he gets better-looking,
Copy !req
1816. and it's so fucking unfair.
Copy !req
1817. Oh, fuck.
Copy !req
1818. We should go.
Copy !req
1819. My babysitter always gets mad
when we come home past 12:00.
Copy !req
1820. She's such a pissy little high-school cunt.
Copy !req
1821. Let's move, gang!
Come on, come on, come on!
Copy !req
1822. Jessica, can you get these plates
Copy !req
1823. - and put them on the table, please?
- This isn't funny.
Copy !req
1824. That guy has 12 kids. It's not funny. It's...
Copy !req
1825. Now I get to start all over again!
Copy !req
1826. This is sick. This is a sick movie.
Copy !req
1827. That's a lot of responsibility
to be joking about. That's not funny.
Copy !req
1828. I got to turn this off. It's freaking me out.
Copy !req
1829. There are five different types of chairs
in this hotel room.
Copy !req
1830. - Holy fuck. What are they all doing in here?
- These are five different types of chairs.
Copy !req
1831. Get them out of here, man.
This is too many chairs for one room.
Copy !req
1832. There's a guy that works for this hotel.
His whole job is to find chairs.
Copy !req
1833. Look at this one. Look at it.
Copy !req
1834. It's gold and red, and it's kind of shiny.
Shiny thread? Unbelievable.
Copy !req
1835. It is beautiful and it feels amazing.
Copy !req
1836. The tall one's gawking at me
and the short one's being very droll.
Copy !req
1837. - I don't like them.
- Oh, wow.
Copy !req
1838. It's weird that chairs even exist
when you're not sitting on them.
Copy !req
1839. I'm up high! I'm really high up.
Copy !req
1840. I should've read the baby books.
Copy !req
1841. - Why didn't you read the baby books?
- 'Cause then it's real, you know?
Copy !req
1842. Dude, it's real whether or not
you read those books. That baby's coming.
Copy !req
1843. Oh, man!
Copy !req
1844. - Think they'll take us back?
- Yes.
Copy !req
1845. But I don't know why.
Copy !req
1846. Do you ever wonder
how somebody could even like you?
Copy !req
1847. All the time, man. Like every day.
I wonder how you like me.
Copy !req
1848. How can Debbie like me? She likes me.
I mean, she loves me.
Copy !req
1849. The biggest problem in our marriage
is that she wants me around.
Copy !req
1850. She loves me so much
that she wants me around all the time.
Copy !req
1851. That's our biggest problem.
And I can't even accept that?
Copy !req
1852. - Like that upsets me?
- What?
Copy !req
1853. - She's the one. She loves me.
- You can't believe people love you?
Copy !req
1854. I love you, man! Debbie loves you!
Copy !req
1855. I don't think I can accept her love.
There's something wrong with me.
Copy !req
1856. - You can't accept love?
- I don't know what it is.
Copy !req
1857. Love? The most beautiful, shiny,
warmy thing in the world?
Copy !req
1858. - You can't accept it?
- I have to go to this other chair.
Copy !req
1859. Oh, this is a better energy.
Copy !req
1860. You can't accept pure love?
You can't accept Debbie?
Copy !req
1861. She's chosen to give you her life.
Copy !req
1862. She's picked you as her life partner!
Copy !req
1863. But you play fantasy baseball
because you can't accept her love?
Copy !req
1864. I could accept it, man.
Copy !req
1865. And Debbie's amazing, man.
Copy !req
1866. She's cool and she's funny
and she smells good
Copy !req
1867. and she's nice
and her hair always looks different.
Copy !req
1868. - She's too good for you, man.
- Tastes like a rainbow.
Copy !req
1869. You're disgusting.
You know, you're an urchin.
Copy !req
1870. And she busts your balls
'cause you're a little bitch.
Copy !req
1871. You're a filthy bitch! And I'd bust your balls.
Copy !req
1872. Debbie wants to give her life to you,
and Allison doesn't want to do that with me.
Copy !req
1873. And it makes me sad all day.
Copy !req
1874. - I want to go home.
- I wanna go home, too.
Copy !req
1875. - Everything looks beautiful.
- Thanks.
Copy !req
1876. - I went kind of overboard, huh?
- No. It's great.
Copy !req
1877. Your daughter only turns eight once.
Copy !req
1878. - Is Ben gonna come?
- I don't think so. I don't know why he would.
Copy !req
1879. Oh, hey. What up, dawg?
Copy !req
1880. - Where have you been?
- Around. You know?
Copy !req
1881. Just kind of doing my thing.
Copy !req
1882. Why is everybody so mad at you?
Copy !req
1883. I don't know. Are they mad?
What have they been saying?
Copy !req
1884. They've been saying, like,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, "Ben's a prick."
Copy !req
1885. - They said that?
- A lot.
Copy !req
1886. - That sucks.
- What does it mean?
Copy !req
1887. - Penis. It means penis.
- Oh.
Copy !req
1888. Penis.
Copy !req
1889. Babe, we're running low on plates.
Copy !req
1890. - Hey, Ben! What's up, man?
- What's happening, man?
Copy !req
1891. - Hey, Ben.
- Hey, Debbie.
Copy !req
1892. - How are you?
- Good. How are you?
Copy !req
1893. Hi.
Copy !req
1894. Did you just get pink cupcakes
or yellow cupcakes?
Copy !req
1895. - I just got yellow cupcakes.
- I thought I said get pink cupcakes.
Copy !req
1896. - I can run out. I'll get some more.
- Nah, it's no big deal.
Copy !req
1897. - I don't mind.
- No, it doesn't matter.
Copy !req
1898. - You sure?
- Yeah. You look really cute in that.
Copy !req
1899. All right.
Copy !req
1900. - Well, that was fast, you pussy.
- I'm a...
Copy !req
1901. You're the one that got dressed up
like a cholo on Easter to come to this party.
Copy !req
1902. How are things at Butt-Fucking-Ham Palace?
Copy !req
1903. You look like Babe Ruth's gay brother,
Gabe Ruth.
Copy !req
1904. Well played, sir. That was good.
Copy !req
1905. - You gonna talk to Allison?
- Yeah, I was just about to.
Copy !req
1906. - Right on.
- It's a doll.
Copy !req
1907. Thanks, Ben.
Copy !req
1908. I just don't think we can make it work.
Copy !req
1909. We can get back on track,
and everything's gonna be great.
Copy !req
1910. You're just being nice, and I'm being nice,
Copy !req
1911. and just because we're two nice people
doesn't mean we should stay together.
Copy !req
1912. I don't want this baby to determine
the rest of our lives. You know?
Copy !req
1913. Me not wanting to do this alone
isn't enough of a reason
Copy !req
1914. to drag you into a relationship with me.
It's just not fair.
Copy !req
1915. And don't repeat this, but God,
I don't want to end up like Debbie.
Copy !req
1916. - But Debbie's happy.
- Yeah, she's happy today.
Copy !req
1917. But every day
is a constant struggle for them
Copy !req
1918. because they're not right for each other.
Copy !req
1919. You know? And they have to force it,
and I don't want us to have to do that.
Copy !req
1920. I don't want to force you
to be what I think you should be.
Copy !req
1921. That's wrong of me because you're great.
Copy !req
1922. You really are.
You're great the way you are, and...
Copy !req
1923. I mean, you like to get high,
and you like to do shrooms in Vegas.
Copy !req
1924. - I didn't do shrooms in Vegas.
- Who am I to stop you?
Copy !req
1925. Who am I to tell you that that's wrong?
It's not wrong. It's who you are.
Copy !req
1926. It's what you enjoy and that's your life and...
Copy !req
1927. I'm not that guy any more.
Copy !req
1928. I mean, we can be friends.
Copy !req
1929. And you can be there
when the baby is born,
Copy !req
1930. and in the baby's life as much as you want.
Copy !req
1931. I hope you will be.
Copy !req
1932. I just... I think that if you just...
Copy !req
1933. I don't know. If you give me a shot
to just show you that I'm...
Copy !req
1934. - Excuse me?
- Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1935. Can you grab the video camera?
Copy !req
1936. - We're gonna sing Happy Birthday now.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1937. I'm sorry. I got to go.
Copy !req
1938. - I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Copy !req
1939. I'll be right back, though, all right?
Copy !req
1940. - We'll finish talking.
- Yeah, yeah. Okay, go.
Copy !req
1941. - What happened?
- Thanks for warning me, man.
Copy !req
1942. I just walked into a fucking buzz saw.
She rejected me.
Copy !req
1943. 'Cause you, for some insane reason,
Copy !req
1944. told Debbie
that I did mushrooms with you in Vegas!
Copy !req
1945. She gets mad 'cause I smoke pot!
Copy !req
1946. Now I'm upping it to fucking psychedelics!
Thanks!
Copy !req
1947. Really? I thought she'd take you back.
Copy !req
1948. You know why she just rejected me?
'Cause you're such a shitty husband,
Copy !req
1949. she thinks I'm gonna turn
into a shitty husband.
Copy !req
1950. Happy Birthday to you
Copy !req
1951. Happy Birthday to you
Copy !req
1952. Jessica! Right here!
Can we get a photo?
Copy !req
1953. - When are you due?
- I got two months.
Copy !req
1954. - Really?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1955. - Wow, you're so big already.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1956. - When is that baby popping out?
- I got two months to go.
Copy !req
1957. Really? Are you dilated yet? I can tell.
Copy !req
1958. You look fantastic. You look...
Are you gonna, like, give birth right now?
Copy !req
1959. Wow, you're about to drop any second.
Copy !req
1960. - You know what?
- I love your brooch.
Copy !req
1961. You don't need to lie to me.
I don't appreciate it.
Copy !req
1962. I know I look like a fat cow.
Copy !req
1963. - And I'm sweating profusely. I know that.
- No, no.
Copy !req
1964. No, you don't look like a fat cow at all.
You look great.
Copy !req
1965. So, I have to get going in.
They're calling me.
Copy !req
1966. Steve, hey. Help me out.
Give me an interview, please.
Copy !req
1967. Well, I just need to run in.
Copy !req
1968. You know what? Just say into the camera,
"You're watching E! Entertainment:"
Copy !req
1969. - Congratulations.
- Just give me that.
Copy !req
1970. No, Steve, don't be an asshole! Come on.
Copy !req
1971. I'm not being an asshole.
Copy !req
1972. Wow, you managed to turn
Steve Carell into an asshole.
Copy !req
1973. - No easy feat.
- Shut up, Brent.
Copy !req
1974. You screwed me, Dad, okay?
Copy !req
1975. You said everything was gonna be fine
and nothing is fine.
Copy !req
1976. Nothing is fine.
Copy !req
1977. Ben, I've been divorced
three times. Why would you listen to me?
Copy !req
1978. Because you were the only one
giving me advice!
Copy !req
1979. And it was terrible advice!
Copy !req
1980. You can go around blaming everyone else,
but in the end,
Copy !req
1981. until you take responsibility for yourself,
none of this is gonna work out.
Copy !req
1982. I don't know how to take
responsibility for myself, okay?
Copy !req
1983. - I didn't read the baby books!
- You didn't read the books?
Copy !req
1984. I just smoke less pot.
I don't know what to do. I'm an idiot!
Copy !req
1985. - What... Tell me what to do!
- I don't know. I don't know.
Copy !req
1986. Ben, I love you. What can I tell you?
Copy !req
1987. Just tell me what to do.
Copy !req
1988. Stone, you settling in okay?
Copy !req
1989. - Best job I ever had.
- Like to hear it.
Copy !req
1990. Allison, thank you for coming in.
Copy !req
1991. I don't want to shock you
but we know what's under that jacket.
Copy !req
1992. You're pregnant, have been for a while.
Copy !req
1993. From my count,
you're right around eight months.
Copy !req
1994. And I don't know why you felt
you couldn't tell us.
Copy !req
1995. I'm really sorry.
Copy !req
1996. This is Hollywood. We don't like liars.
Copy !req
1997. I just... I wasn't expecting this and...
Copy !req
1998. I didn't know how to handle it,
and I didn't want to lose my job.
Copy !req
1999. - I'm really sorry.
- It's unfortunate.
Copy !req
2000. It's unfortunate you didn't tell us because
Copy !req
2001. you would've found out
that we thought it's great.
Copy !req
2002. - Really?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
2003. So we did some research.
Copy !req
2004. And turns out, people like pregnant.
Copy !req
2005. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
2006. The bigger you are,
the bigger your numbers.
Copy !req
2007. I was surprised 'cause I feel the opposite.
Copy !req
2008. We're gonna do a whole maternity month
on E! Mommy.
Copy !req
2009. You're gonna interview
all the pregnant celebs.
Copy !req
2010. - Really?
- Yes.
Copy !req
2011. Scary!
Copy !req
2012. You're pregnant, they're pregnant,
you can talk about being pregnant.
Copy !req
2013. It just grosses me out
when I know that people are pregnant.
Copy !req
2014. 'Cause I think about the birth.
Everything's so wet.
Copy !req
2015. And everything that goes into it.
None of the gross stuff.
Copy !req
2016. But you know, hopes, dreams, whatever,
it's gonna be great.
Copy !req
2017. Oh, my God. This is such good news.
Copy !req
2018. - Thank you so much.
- Yeah, you're welcome.
Copy !req
2019. And then, after the baby is out...
Copy !req
2020. Tight.
tighten it back up.
Copy !req
2021. - And please don't lie to us again.
- Okay.
Copy !req
2022. 'Cause maybe someday we could be friends.
Copy !req
2023. Okay. I won't. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
2024. - I just don't like secrets.
- Okay.
Copy !req
2025. You know, it's a rare thing
that you live to see the day
Copy !req
2026. your wildest dreams come true.
Copy !req
2027. I mean, what is there left to want?
I get to go to Legoland.
Copy !req
2028. - Shut up, Pete.
- Say it!
Copy !req
2029. - Legoland!
- Legoland!
Copy !req
2030. Legoland!
Copy !req
2031. Don't get them all riled up before the drive.
Copy !req
2032. I shouldn't have given them
all that meth, then.
Copy !req
2033. We'll be back on Sunday.
Copy !req
2034. Or Saturday. You never know.
We might see it all in one day.
Copy !req
2035. Sunday. Let's go.
Copy !req
2036. Guess what?
I'm scared there's no one to trust.
Copy !req
2037. You can trust me.
Copy !req
2038. You are gonna fuck me over,
aren't you?
Copy !req
2039. Oh, for Christ's sake.
- You are.
Copy !req
2040. Are you retarded? Or just brain-dead
from whiffing fumes out there in the swamp?
Copy !req
2041. That's what I am to you, isn't it?
Swamp trash, just like my mom.
Copy !req
2042. Hello?
Copy !req
2043. Hey, what's up, Daddy?
What are you doing?
Copy !req
2044. Just smoking a joint, drinking some beers,
you know. Rocking.
Copy !req
2045. We're about to go to a new club.
You coming?
Copy !req
2046. No. I'm gonna pack it in soon, I think.
Copy !req
2047. - What's he doing?
- He says he's gonna call it a night.
Copy !req
2048. - Dude, it's like 8:15, man.
- Yeah, I know. I'm just tired.
Copy !req
2049. - Is he depressed?
- You depressed?
Copy !req
2050. - No, I feel great. I like it.
- He says no.
Copy !req
2051. - Ask him if he's gonna kill himself.
- You gonna kill yourself?
Copy !req
2052. No, I'm not. Okay? Thank you.
Copy !req
2053. Tell him not to jerk off with
a noose around his neck. It's dangerous.
Copy !req
2054. You shouldn't jerk off with a noose
around your neck 'cause it's dangerous.
Copy !req
2055. Okay. Very good.
Copy !req
2056. And tell him if he has to, tell him
he needs a teammate or a spotter there.
Copy !req
2057. Right. And if you do, you should have
a teammate or a spotter there.
Copy !req
2058. Great.
Copy !req
2059. - He says your mom's already there.
- Uncool, man.
Copy !req
2060. Okay, okay.
Copy !req
2061. Okay.
Copy !req
2062. - Hi, Dr Howard?
- No, this is Dr Angelo.
Copy !req
2063. How can I help you?
Copy !req
2064. I'm a patient of Dr Howard's,
Copy !req
2065. and I'm going into labour
and I need to speak with him.
Copy !req
2066. I actually don't know where he is tonight.
Copy !req
2067. But I've made myself available to his
patients, and I'd be happy to help you.
Copy !req
2068. Can you help me find him?
Can you give me his number?
Copy !req
2069. Oh, no. You know what?
Actually, I'm under strict instructions
Copy !req
2070. not to give out his number,
but I can help you through this.
Copy !req
2071. No, no. No, no, no.
Copy !req
2072. I want to speak to my own doctor.
You really won't give me his number?
Copy !req
2073. Because this is my first baby, and
he promised that he would be here for me
Copy !req
2074. and I need you to give me...
Give me his number, okay?
Copy !req
2075. Dr Howard's not available tonight.
Copy !req
2076. But everything's gonna be okay,
I assure you.
Copy !req
2077. No, I don't want you to help me
because I have no idea who you are!
Copy !req
2078. I want my own goddamn doctor!
You make sure he calls me!
Copy !req
2079. Oh, shit. Okay.
Copy !req
2080. Oh, shit!
Copy !req
2081. Hello?
Copy !req
2082. Ben, it's me. Can you come?
'Cause the baby's coming. Can you come?
Copy !req
2083. Oh, God. Allison.
I'm so happy you're calling.
Copy !req
2084. I have so many things I've been wanting
to say to you.
Copy !req
2085. I wanna apologise for things.
It's all I can think about.
Copy !req
2086. No, listen. Wait. Listen.
Copy !req
2087. I need you to come help me, okay?
Because the baby's coming.
Copy !req
2088. So can you come help me?
Copy !req
2089. - Wait. The baby's coming right now?
- Yes. Right now.
Copy !req
2090. Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Copy !req
2091. Is it happening? It's happening now?
Push. Push...
Copy !req
2092. - Breathe like this...
- No, no, no, no.
Copy !req
2093. You need to come now because
the contractions are happening,
Copy !req
2094. and they really hurt and the doctor
isn't here, and I can't get hold of him.
Copy !req
2095. And he said he was gonna be here, right?
You were there when he said that.
Copy !req
2096. Okay, okay, I'll come right now.
Copy !req
2097. - Nobody's here.
- I'm coming right now.
Copy !req
2098. not anywhere, I can't reach them, please.
Copy !req
2099. - Please, please hurry.
- I'll just... So should I...
Copy !req
2100. I'll meet you at the hospital, okay?
Copy !req
2101. No! Don't meet me at the hospital!
No, no, I need you to drive me. I can't drive.
Copy !req
2102. - I can't drive like this.
- No? You can't drive? Okay.
Copy !req
2103. I'll get gas and then I'll pick you up.
Copy !req
2104. - You have to get gas?
- I need to just get cash.
Copy !req
2105. No. Don't get cash. Just come.
Copy !req
2106. I need to get cash because my car's
on empty, I won't even make it there.
Copy !req
2107. No, just come right now.
I'm not fucking around, okay?
Copy !req
2108. This is serious and I'm alone.
Copy !req
2109. It's the last thing you need to do is...
Just get here!
Copy !req
2110. Look, if you keep yelling at me,
I'm never gonna get there.
Copy !req
2111. You just need to calm down for two...
Okay.
Copy !req
2112. Don't run out of gas.
Don't run out of gas. Come on!
Copy !req
2113. Hello?
Copy !req
2114. Please be in there. Hello? Hello? Hello?
Copy !req
2115. Allison?
Copy !req
2116. Hello?
Copy !req
2117. - Ben?
- Allison.
Copy !req
2118. What is this, like a water birth?
Copy !req
2119. What are we doing? Should we go?
Should I... I have the...
Copy !req
2120. Just relax, okay? Just be mellow,
'cause that's what this is all about.
Copy !req
2121. Because if it gets too stressful in here,
Copy !req
2122. then the baby is born
into a stressful environment,
Copy !req
2123. and then he's wired for stress
for the rest of his life. So just...
Copy !req
2124. Just be calm.
Copy !req
2125. Okay.
Copy !req
2126. Okay, let's relax. Okay.
Copy !req
2127. Do you want to talk about things?
Copy !req
2128. I feel really bad about, like,
a lot of the shit I did.
Copy !req
2129. I can't believe I said some of that.
Copy !req
2130. - That's all I think about in my head.
- I don't wanna talk about it.
Copy !req
2131. But maybe we could bring the baby
into a reconciled place so we can talk...
Copy !req
2132. No. I don't wanna go there.
Copy !req
2133. Don't go there. Okay? Help me stay relaxed.
Copy !req
2134. - So, what should I do?
- You need to call Dr Howard.
Copy !req
2135. Hello?
Copy !req
2136. Hello, yes, this is Ben Stone.
I'm calling on behalf of Allison Scott.
Copy !req
2137. We need Dr Howard. It's an emergency.
Copy !req
2138. Yeah.
He's at San Francisco at bar mitzvah.
Copy !req
2139. He's at a bar mitzvah in San Francisco?
Do you know when he gets back?
Copy !req
2140. In three days.
Copy !req
2141. Do you have his cell number,
by any chance?
Copy !req
2142. Hey! Good news.
Copy !req
2143. I got his number right here.
I'm gonna call him right now.
Copy !req
2144. Oh, great. Thank you so much. Oh, my God.
I'm so glad you're here. Thank you.
Copy !req
2145. I'm glad I'm here, too. Thank you.
Copy !req
2146. I shouldn't have told you
you were a fucking lunatic.
Copy !req
2147. I shouldn't have said that.
I feel terrible about it and...
Copy !req
2148. No, it's okay. We're past it. We're past it.
Copy !req
2149. - I'm sorry I told you to fuck your bong.
- It's okay. I didn't.
Copy !req
2150. Let's just drop it now. We're over it.
Copy !req
2151. I'm gonna call him right now.
You're doing so great.
Copy !req
2152. Hello, it's Dr Howard. I'm not here right now.
Please leave a message.
Copy !req
2153. Hey, Doc Howard. Ben Stone calling.
Copy !req
2154. Guess what the fuck's up?
Copy !req
2155. Allison's going into labour
and you are not fucking here.
Copy !req
2156. Now, where are you? You're at
a fucking bar mitzvah in San Francisco,
Copy !req
2157. you motherfucking piece of shit!
Copy !req
2158. And you know
what I'm gonna have to do now?
Copy !req
2159. I'm gonna have to kill you.
Copy !req
2160. I'm gonna have to
pop a fucking cap in your ass.
Copy !req
2161. You're dead! You're Tupac!
Copy !req
2162. You are fucking Biggie, you piece of shit!
Copy !req
2163. I hope you fucking die
Copy !req
2164. or drop the fucking chair
and kill that fucking kid!
Copy !req
2165. Hope your plane crashes. Peace, fucker!
Copy !req
2166. - Hey.
- Hey.
Copy !req
2167. Did you talk to him?
Copy !req
2168. I didn't talk to him directly.
I left him a very nice message, though.
Copy !req
2169. And... Okay.
Copy !req
2170. What I'm about to tell you isn't that bad.
You should know that going in.
Copy !req
2171. We can get through this,
and it's just a little hiccough,
Copy !req
2172. but everything will be fine. Okay?
Copy !req
2173. Do you trust me
when I say everything will be fine?
Copy !req
2174. - I can deal with it.
- Okay.
Copy !req
2175. So, Dr Howard is at a bar mitzvah.
Copy !req
2176. - A bar mitzvah?
- It's a Jewish rite of passage.
Copy !req
2177. And he's gonna be there
for the next three days,
Copy !req
2178. so he will not be able to be here tonight.
Copy !req
2179. Oh, no.
Copy !req
2180. It's okay.
Copy !req
2181. - What do you think we should do?
- Okay. I know exactly what to do.
Copy !req
2182. All we do is we'll get in the car,
I'll drive to the hospital,
Copy !req
2183. and on the way,
we will call every gynaecologist we've met.
Copy !req
2184. Someone will be available. You know?
Copy !req
2185. - Okay. I can do that.
- Okay. Good.
Copy !req
2186. I mean, we still have time.
I mean, how far apart are your contractions?
Copy !req
2187. - I think, like, seven minutes.
- Seven minutes!
Copy !req
2188. See? Not until four minutes
is it really coming.
Copy !req
2189. - And has your water broken, even?
- I don't know. I'm in the tub.
Copy !req
2190. That's a good point.
Have you had your bloody show?
Copy !req
2191. What? What's that?
Copy !req
2192. It's, it's...
I mean, it's a bloody mucusy discharge.
Copy !req
2193. But it only comes out
right before the baby's gonna come,
Copy !req
2194. so if that hasn't happened, we have time.
Copy !req
2195. We can make it to the hospital.
It's no problem.
Copy !req
2196. You read the baby books.
Copy !req
2197. Yeah. I did. I read three of them, actually.
Copy !req
2198. - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Copy !req
2199. Hey. Hey, you okay?
Copy !req
2200. Okay.
Copy !req
2201. Wait. Are we allowed to park here?
Copy !req
2202. It's okay. I stole this from Martin's grandma.
Copy !req
2203. - Oh, that was really sweet of you.
- Thanks.
Copy !req
2204. Okay, here we go. Here we go.
Copy !req
2205. Okay. Inches away.
Copy !req
2206. - Okay.
- We're close.
Copy !req
2207. Home stretch. Hello. This is Allison Scott.
Copy !req
2208. Dr Kuni said he would let you
know we were coming?
Copy !req
2209. - Oh, he did. We'll take good care of you.
- Okay.
Copy !req
2210. - Samuel?
- Yeah?
Copy !req
2211. This is Allison Scott.
Please admit her into Room 307.
Copy !req
2212. - Hi.
- Hey.
Copy !req
2213. - You're our nurse?
- That's why I'm holding the clipboard.
Copy !req
2214. So, what else is up with you guys?
Copy !req
2215. I'm just joking. Let's have a baby, huh?
Copy !req
2216. Yeah.
Copy !req
2217. Jeez, I'm sorry it took me so long
to find that vein.
Copy !req
2218. That little guy really didn't want me
to find him.
Copy !req
2219. - Is that the baby on that one right there?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
2220. So we can tell
how the little guy or gal is doing.
Copy !req
2221. Okay.
Copy !req
2222. Hello, Allison. Ben. Interesting night.
Copy !req
2223. We really, really appreciate
you coming, man.
Copy !req
2224. What else do I have to do,
I mean, besides sleep? Totally kidding.
Copy !req
2225. - What happened to your doctor?
- He's at a bar mitzvah in San Francisco.
Copy !req
2226. He didn't tell us, though.
Copy !req
2227. - Nice.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
2228. Lucky for you,
I don't have any Jewish friends.
Copy !req
2229. Dr Kuni, I really wanna do this naturally.
I don't wanna use drugs.
Copy !req
2230. Okay, let's just take a look
and see what happens, okay?
Copy !req
2231. Foetal heart rate is good.
Samuel, where are we?
Copy !req
2232. - Four centimetres.
- Four centimetres what?
Copy !req
2233. - Dilated?
- Dilated. That's right. Focus.
Copy !req
2234. Pay attention, okay? We're a team. Okay?
Copy !req
2235. - I wanna get the fuck out of here.
- What?
Copy !req
2236. - I just wanna get the fuck out of here.
- Okay. Just relax, man, just relax.
Copy !req
2237. - Oh, man, I don't fucking like hospitals.
- I know, but, Jonah, this is beautiful.
Copy !req
2238. I just think you need to relax and embrace
the beauty of another life joining our gang.
Copy !req
2239. We're having a baby. We are having a baby.
Copy !req
2240. I'm not having shit
besides a fucking panic attack.
Copy !req
2241. There's probably a fucking room back there
full of dead bodies!
Copy !req
2242. You guys wanna be here when one rolls out
Copy !req
2243. and just fucking coughs malaria
into our face?
Copy !req
2244. - Jesus.
- Fucking shit.
Copy !req
2245. Is that good?
- Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
2246. Oh, yeah, get in there.
Copy !req
2247. - I could do this all day.
- Cool.
Copy !req
2248. - What was that?
- What the hell was that?
Copy !req
2249. What's happening?
Copy !req
2250. Well, boys and girls,
what seems to be the problem?
Copy !req
2251. - Decels.
- Oh, dear.
Copy !req
2252. Okay, Allison,
I need you to turn on your back now, okay?
Copy !req
2253. The baby's heart rate is slowing. Okay?
Copy !req
2254. - It's gonna be okay.
- Okay.
Copy !req
2255. - It's gonna be fine. Is it gonna be fine?
- It's gonna be fine. Okay?
Copy !req
2256. You'll feel a little bit of a push.
You'll feel a little bit of...
Copy !req
2257. - Oh.
- What are you doing?
Copy !req
2258. I'm turning the baby so I can take
the pressure off the cord. Okay?
Copy !req
2259. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
2260. Okay, we're good.
Copy !req
2261. The heartbeat's stronger,
but we're not out of the woods.
Copy !req
2262. We need to get things going now.
Copy !req
2263. I think the cord is wrapped around the neck.
Copy !req
2264. So I'm gonna give you some medicine,
pop the bag and get things going, okay?
Copy !req
2265. I don't wanna leave the baby
in there for long,
Copy !req
2266. and we can give you some medicine
for the pain.
Copy !req
2267. No, no, no, no.
Copy !req
2268. I don't... I don't want the baby
to be born all drugged out.
Copy !req
2269. It's not my birth plan.
Copy !req
2270. Now, things change.
We don't have time to debate this.
Copy !req
2271. What? No. But no,
I'm not comfortable with that. I'm not.
Copy !req
2272. - No. Would you please just listen to her?
- Fine. Do what you want to do.
Copy !req
2273. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?
- Should I leave?
Copy !req
2274. Do you want to be the doctor?
Because I really don't need to be here.
Copy !req
2275. No. What we want is to take a second
to talk about our options, okay?
Copy !req
2276. - That's all we want.
- No. You mean you want to take a second
Copy !req
2277. to tell me how to do my job.
Copy !req
2278. My job is to get that baby out safely.
Copy !req
2279. Or I can go home.
Just let me know. You be the doctor.
Copy !req
2280. Can we talk outside in the hall for a second?
Copy !req
2281. That woman is a control freak,
Copy !req
2282. and she needs to let go
and let me do my job.
Copy !req
2283. Look, she's just having a hard time
Copy !req
2284. because her and our doctor
had a very specific birth plan.
Copy !req
2285. And they wanted it to be
a very special experience.
Copy !req
2286. If you want a special experience,
go to a Jimmy Buffett concert.
Copy !req
2287. We have a new birth plan.
Get the baby out safely.
Copy !req
2288. Look, man, will you help us out?
I have no idea what I'm doing.
Copy !req
2289. You can be as big a dick to me as you want.
Just be nice to her, man.
Copy !req
2290. That's all I ask. Just please be nice to her.
Copy !req
2291. - Are you okay?
- I think so.
Copy !req
2292. - I'm sorry. Let's start fresh.
- Thank you, man. Thanks.
Copy !req
2293. This is healthy. This is good.
I think we're bonding.
Copy !req
2294. Allison, I apologise for being a little brash,
but if you're okay with it,
Copy !req
2295. it's rather important we break the bag
Copy !req
2296. and give you some medicine
to speed things up.
Copy !req
2297. Because once the bag is broken,
I don't want there to be an infection.
Copy !req
2298. Whatever. Do what you have to do.
Copy !req
2299. Oh, my God. What a nightmare that guy is.
Copy !req
2300. I know, I know. Look, I talked to him.
Copy !req
2301. I think he'll be more cool now.
Copy !req
2302. I'm so sorry I broke up with you.
Copy !req
2303. You really don't need to be.
Copy !req
2304. And, you know,
I knew you'd give me another shot.
Copy !req
2305. I figured it'd be a lot sooner than this,
you know?
Copy !req
2306. I was just in such a panic from all of this.
Copy !req
2307. And watching
Debbie and Pete together, it's...
Copy !req
2308. - And my ass got so fat.
- No, no.
Copy !req
2309. It did.
Copy !req
2310. I just never, for one minute,
thought that the guy who got me pregnant
Copy !req
2311. would actually be the right guy for me.
Copy !req
2312. - Me, either.
- I guess he is.
Copy !req
2313. Yeah.
Copy !req
2314. All right, Martin, who am I?
Copy !req
2315. "People think I'm smart
because I speak in a robot voice."
Copy !req
2316. Stephen Hawking.
Copy !req
2317. "I fuck my nurse
with my ever-expanding cock."
Copy !req
2318. All right. Let's murderball.
Copy !req
2319. Come here! I'm gonna murderball you!
Copy !req
2320. - Stay down!
- Jonah, you shithead!
Copy !req
2321. - Hi.
- Hi.
Copy !req
2322. Hi.
Copy !req
2323. I can't believe I go out of town
and this happens.
Copy !req
2324. - I know.
- I'm sorry, but I'm not going anywhere.
Copy !req
2325. - Screw Legoland.
- All right.
Copy !req
2326. Hey, how do you want this?
You want this over the shoulder?
Copy !req
2327. You know, I can do whatever you want.
I can get in there.
Copy !req
2328. Kind of Spike Lee angles.
Copy !req
2329. No, you can shoot the waiting room.
That would be great.
Copy !req
2330. Yeah. Okay. Well, thank you.
I've got it from here.
Copy !req
2331. - Debbie.
- Can I talk to you in the hall for a second?
Copy !req
2332. Why?
Copy !req
2333. I'd like to be in there with Allison,
without you.
Copy !req
2334. Okay.
Copy !req
2335. I understand how you feel
but this isn't up to you.
Copy !req
2336. Look, Debbie, you are high off your ass
if you think you're coming into that room.
Copy !req
2337. If you take one step towards that door,
I will tell security
Copy !req
2338. there's a crazy chick in a pink dress
snatching up babies. Okay?
Copy !req
2339. So don't even try to come into that room.
That's my room now.
Copy !req
2340. That little area with the Pepsi machine,
that's your area.
Copy !req
2341. My room. Your area.
Stay in your area. Stay out of my room.
Copy !req
2342. Back the fuck off.
Copy !req
2343. What are you doing here?
Copy !req
2344. He just kicked me out. He told me to leave.
Copy !req
2345. Huh.
Copy !req
2346. But I guess it's good, right?
Copy !req
2347. He said he's gonna take care of her.
Copy !req
2348. He really seems on his game.
Copy !req
2349. I think he's gonna be a good dad.
Copy !req
2350. I think I like him.
Copy !req
2351. Thank God.
Copy !req
2352. I wish I'd gotten that on tape.
Copy !req
2353. Go! Holy shit, almighty!
Copy !req
2354. Oh, shit, this really hurts!
Copy !req
2355. - I see we're well on our way.
- Okay.
Copy !req
2356. I want the... I want the epidural. Okay?
Copy !req
2357. - Give me the epidural!
- Give her the epidural, okay?
Copy !req
2358. - Give it to her now.
- Okay, Allison.
Copy !req
2359. We're past the point of an epidural. Okay?
The cervix is fully dilated.
Copy !req
2360. No, seriously, I want an epidural!
I know there's time!
Copy !req
2361. - We can't give you the epidural.
- Take the time! I...
Copy !req
2362. I'll make sure it doesn't come out!
I'll stop pushing.
Copy !req
2363. - We have time. Just do it, please!
- I'll stop. Please, please, please!
Copy !req
2364. I'm sorry. We have no time.
Copy !req
2365. We're gonna just have to do this
the all-natural way, okay?
Copy !req
2366. The way you wanted to do it.
Copy !req
2367. - Okay? Ready?
- Okay.
Copy !req
2368. Here comes another contraction, okay?
I want you to push. Okay, ready?
Copy !req
2369. - Good, good, good.
- I feel everything!
Copy !req
2370. Oh, my God! It's happening!
Copy !req
2371. Okay, maybe we can take it down
just a little.
Copy !req
2372. I think you're gonna scare
the other pregnant women.
Copy !req
2373. - Are you fucking kidding me?
- Okay.
Copy !req
2374. Are you kidding me?
Copy !req
2375. Jesus.
Copy !req
2376. This is messed up.
Something's wrong in there.
Copy !req
2377. - Yeah.
- Oh, no, no.
Copy !req
2378. I mean, granted,
gynaecology's only a hobby of mine,
Copy !req
2379. but it sounds to me like she's crowning.
Is that right, Deb?
Copy !req
2380. Yeah.
That's what it sounds like for everyone.
Copy !req
2381. Everyone goes through this.
Copy !req
2382. No, I disagree with you.
That sounds terrible.
Copy !req
2383. I'm gonna go sneak a peak,
see if there's anything I can do.
Copy !req
2384. - Okay! It's crowning! I'm seeing the head!
- Oh, God.
Copy !req
2385. - What does it look like, Ben?
- Oh, God.
Copy !req
2386. - What?
- You don't wanna see it.
Copy !req
2387. - No, I wanna see it!
- It's beautiful. You don't want to, though.
Copy !req
2388. No, I want to see it! Oh, God! Oh, God!
Copy !req
2389. Okay, we're almost home! One, two...
Copy !req
2390. You okay in here? Jesus!
Copy !req
2391. - Get out!
- Yeah, okay.
Copy !req
2392. Oh, no!
Copy !req
2393. You all right, buddy?
Copy !req
2394. It's okay.
Copy !req
2395. - What did it look like?
- I shouldn't have gone in there.
Copy !req
2396. Don't go in there.
Promise me you don't go in there.
Copy !req
2397. Me, go in there?
That's the last fucking place I wanna go.
Copy !req
2398. Like I'm gonna go in there.
Copy !req
2399. Try getting a boner now.
Copy !req
2400. - What's up, Deb?
- Hey.
Copy !req
2401. - Push. One, two, three.
- Oh, God!
Copy !req
2402. You've passed the shoulders.
One more big push.
Copy !req
2403. Good.
Copy !req
2404. I did it.
Copy !req
2405. - Okay. Oh, my God. It's out.
- You did it. You did it.
Copy !req
2406. - Oh, my God, you did it.
- Oh, my God.
Copy !req
2407. Oh, God.
Copy !req
2408. - I love you, Ben.
- I love you so much, too.
Copy !req
2409. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
2410. - Congratulations, you two. Beautiful.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
2411. - You did so great. You were amazing.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
2412. - Okay, pretty baby.
- You got out.
Copy !req
2413. You made it out. Welcome.
Copy !req
2414. You ever get so bored
you just stare at your balls?
Copy !req
2415. I bet you do, late John Lennon.
Copy !req
2416. - Here we are again.
- Who is that? Is that Ben's rabbi?
Copy !req
2417. Is he the one who cuts the penis?
Copy !req
2418. I think it's Matisyahu.
Copy !req
2419. Awesome.
Copy !req
2420. - You want out of the bet?
- I want out of the bet.
Copy !req
2421. You know what you have to say.
Just say it, man. I think now is the time.
Copy !req
2422. Jason, you're the master.
Copy !req
2423. - You heard it, right?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
2424. All right. You're out of the bet.
Yeah, now you're done.
Copy !req
2425. - Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, God.
Copy !req
2426. Your face smells like an old man's balls.
Copy !req
2427. - Thank you. Thank you.
- Oh, fucking hell.
Copy !req
2428. Hey.
Copy !req
2429. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
2430. Oh, hello.
Copy !req
2431. Oh, my goodness.
Copy !req
2432. She's beautiful.
Copy !req
2433. Hello.
Copy !req
2434. - Oh. I love you, Ben.
- I love you, Debbie.
Copy !req
2435. - We're gonna have another baby.
- Okay.
Copy !req
2436. Hello, baby.
Copy !req
2437. Gentlemen, it's a girl!
Copy !req
2438. We got a daughter! Mazel tov!
Copy !req
2439. - Congratulations, Daddy!
- We got a beautiful little girl!
Copy !req
2440. - Let's meet her! She's awesome!
- A beautiful little girl!
Copy !req
2441. And then your mommy said,
"Just do it, already,"
Copy !req
2442. which was very confusing to Daddy.
Copy !req
2443. What would you do?
Copy !req
2444. Don't tell Mommy,
Copy !req
2445. but it was the smartest thing I ever did,
listening to her, 'cause now you're here.
Copy !req
2446. Isn't that nice? I think it is.
Copy !req
2447. Hi, you.
Copy !req
2448. I hope your apartment
is big enough for the three of us.
Copy !req
2449. Oh, it definitely is.
Copy !req
2450. That's why I got one in East LA,
the rent. It's huge!
Copy !req
2451. The only thing is we have to decide
Copy !req
2452. if we're gonna be Crips or Bloods
before we get there.
Copy !req
2453. - Well, I look good in red.
- I look good in blue.
Copy !req
2454. The fighting continues.
Copy !req
2455. We could just throw off everyone
and become Latin Kings.
Copy !req
2456. Yeah.
Copy !req
2457. - We both look good in gold.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
2458. Good choice.
Copy !req
2459. I would yell at you about driving so slow,
except the baby's here.
Copy !req
2460. No, these guys can honk all they want.
I ain't going faster than 12.
Copy !req
2461. It might take us around three hours
to get home, though.
Copy !req