1. Hey, show some respect,
you homeless piece of shit!Copy !req
2. Okay, I am going to tell you
a story now about how people...Copy !req
3. like that sad, pathetic prick
back there, found happiness.Copy !req
4. But it is not a happy story, okay?Copy !req
5. I mean, why do people think
that life should always be happy?Copy !req
6. Because when I was a little boy,
my mother sang me a song.Copy !req
7. It went like this.:Copy !req
8. Life is short.
Life is shit.Copy !req
9. And soon it will be over.Copy !req
10. But for you, my friends,
this story is just beginning.Copy !req
11. Some days it's darkCopy !req
12. Some days I workCopy !req
13. I work aloneCopy !req
14. I walk aloneCopy !req
15. UnknownCopy !req
16. SweetnessCopy !req
17. Oh, my God.Copy !req
18. LaughterCopy !req
19. Or notCopy !req
20. Mr. November.Copy !req
21. Mr. December.Copy !req
22. Hi, kids.
Where's your father?Copy !req
23. He's upstairs masturbating
to gay porn.Copy !req
24. - Again?
- Yeah.Copy !req
25. - Hey, kids.
- Hey, Dad.Copy !req
26. I was just taking a shower.
Yep, just had myself a shower.Copy !req
27. Shower?Copy !req
28. Honey, you're home!Copy !req
29. Wally, you're hurting me.Copy !req
30. I'm just so glad you're home.Copy !req
31. Baby, get in the vehicle.Copy !req
32. I'm not getting in that vehicle!Copy !req
33. Baby, this is my gift to you.Copy !req
34. What? Gift?Copy !req
35. It's not a gift.
You freaking stole this.Copy !req
36. I stole it to make it up to you.Copy !req
37. Then tell me this.Copy !req
38. How can you sleep with my best
friend and then tell me about it?Copy !req
39. Sure I told you,
but don't shoot the messenger.Copy !req
40. You can say good-bye to this!Copy !req
41. No, baby.
You know I need that.Copy !req
42. Wave bye-bye, baby.
Never any more Romeo.Copy !req
43. How about a farewell one, baby?Copy !req
44. I'll see ya in my dreams,
you cheating, lying, backstabbing freak!Copy !req
45. I'm sorry,
I don't understand German.Copy !req
46. I can't go on.
This is bullshit!Copy !req
47. Grivo! Grivo!Copy !req
48. I think I just may have something.Copy !req
49. Easy, easy, Patient 957.Copy !req
50. And open.Copy !req
51. What will this do?Copy !req
52. Well, what it does is...Copy !req
53. reaches into your brain,
chemically...Copy !req
54. and locates your happiest memory,
chemically.Copy !req
55. Then locks on to that emotion
and freezes it, chemically...Copy !req
56. and then it keeps your happy happy.Copy !req
57. Chris? She's depressed,
not stupid.Copy !req
58. Come on, just take it.Copy !req
59. All right.Copy !req
60. Coming!Copy !req
61. - Merry Christmas. Kiss Grandma.
- Presents!Copy !req
62. That's all right.Copy !req
63. Sorry we were a few hours late.
The kids hate old people.Copy !req
64. That's all right as long
as we're all together now.Copy !req
65. - Good point. How's your health?
- Good. Just some sciatica.Copy !req
66. These action heroes
are from last year, dummy!Copy !req
67. I hear Dad's dead.
Is that eggnog?Copy !req
68. Yeah. Have yourself a glass.
I gotta check on the bird.Copy !req
69. I thought we'd have yams this year.Copy !req
70. I got a Butterball.
Last year's was so dry.Copy !req
71. They're the best—Copy !req
72. Gotta go.
Come on, kids, in the car.Copy !req
73. Sorry, Mom, we gotta go.
Hey, you got that gift for my mom?Copy !req
74. Oh, yeah. Merry Christmas,
Mother Hurdicure.Copy !req
75. - Thanks. I wonder what that is.
- It's a harmonica.Copy !req
76. Well, see ya next year.Copy !req
77. Oh, that was lovely.Copy !req
78. Look, she's smiling.Copy !req
79. - She is.
- Oh, my.Copy !req
80. Calm down. Just calm down.Copy !req
81. Calm down!Copy !req
82. How do you feel, Patient 957?Copy !req
83. Like a fresh towel drying
on the line on a summer's day.Copy !req
84. Oh, I feel like a little worm...Copy !req
85. peeking its head out of the ground
after a rainstorm...Copy !req
86. and seeing no robin.Copy !req
87. I feel like God's rubbing
my tummy!Copy !req
88. I haven't felt this happy since
my son came to visit at Christmas.Copy !req
89. - This could be it.
- It's a strong"maybe."Copy !req
90. It could be it.Copy !req
91. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
92. I think we got it! Yeah!Copy !req
93. And who are you?Copy !req
94. Just a guy.Copy !req
95. We're commencing final approach.Copy !req
96. Any clue as to his mood today?Copy !req
97. I'm sorry, I can't get a sense
of his mood.Copy !req
98. Sock color?Copy !req
99. Red socks.Copy !req
100. Red socks! Red socks!Copy !req
101. Red socks!Copy !req
102. Let's keep going.Copy !req
103. Let's work together.Copy !req
104. Good morning, Don.Copy !req
105. Good morning, Don.Copy !req
106. Didn't we say good morning
yesterday, Marv?Copy !req
107. Yeah, I guess we did, Don.Copy !req
108. Don, how did the
board of directors' meeting go?Copy !req
109. Can I have the room for a minute?Copy !req
110. Everybody out!Copy !req
111. My empire is...Copy !req
112. crumbling!Copy !req
113. Right. Everyone back in.Copy !req
114. To answer your question, Natalie...Copy !req
115. the board of directors
was a little concerned...Copy !req
116. that we didn't have a"Back to
School" drug or"Christmas" drug.Copy !req
117. We didn't have an
"International Women's Day" drug.Copy !req
118. Exactly.Copy !req
119. I tried to remind them
that when I invented Stummies...Copy !req
120. Yes, Don, thank God that you did.Copy !req
121. it took both time and effort.Copy !req
122. But unfortunately,
the board takes a narrow view.Copy !req
123. And in their own narrow way, they
think the company is losing money.Copy !req
124. Which in fact we are,
but I think this is the narrow view.Copy !req
125. Damn them, Don!
What the hell do they know?Copy !req
126. They're insisting we cut
our research outlay by 60%.Copy !req
127. Of course I told them
to fuck off.Copy !req
128. Good for you, Don!Copy !req
129. But out loud I said I'd consider it.Copy !req
130. Exactly the right thing to do—
play with them.Copy !req
131. Where are we with that?Copy !req
132. With what, Don?Copy !req
133. Our restructuring plan.Copy !req
134. The thing you just mentioned
just now?Copy !req
135. Yeah.Copy !req
136. We're on top of that.Copy !req
137. Good.Copy !req
138. Are we ever gonna get
the big table in here...Copy !req
139. or do I have to cut
that fucking tree myself?Copy !req
140. I'll get right on that.
Okay, number one.Copy !req
141. Open.Copy !req
142. No. It's been two weeks,
and I don't feel any different.Copy !req
143. All I've done is gain eight pounds.
Now, what's in this?Copy !req
144. A little of this
and a little of that. Open.Copy !req
145. It's sugar, isn't it?
I'm in the placebo group.Copy !req
146. Well, loose lips sink ships.
Open.Copy !req
147. No! My face tells me it's sugar.Copy !req
148. Thank you.Copy !req
149. You're not allowed
to do that to me.Copy !req
150. Doctor! Alice!Copy !req
151. Just a second, I'm ready—Copy !req
152. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
153. - How are you feeling, 957?
- Pardon?Copy !req
154. How are you feeling,
Mrs. Hurdicure?Copy !req
155. Excellent.
Just a little dizzy.Copy !req
156. You're not suffering from any
mood swings or bouts of depression?Copy !req
157. Oh, no mood swings.
But I'm a little dizzy.Copy !req
158. And how's your appetite?Copy !req
159. Excellent,
though I am a little dizzy.Copy !req
160. - Thank you.
- Okay.Copy !req
161. Here we go again.Copy !req
162. This urine is great!Copy !req
163. The liver function test came back
completely clean, totally clean.Copy !req
164. I told you!
The goddamn drug works.Copy !req
165. Yes, I know the early results
have been...Copy !req
166. oh, favorable,
I guess is the word.Copy !req
167. - What?
- Come on!Copy !req
168. Slow down. Remember we got
lots more testing to do.Copy !req
169. Guys, maybe Chris is right.Copy !req
170. Dr. Cooper?Copy !req
171. Dr. Chris Cooper?Copy !req
172. Yes, sir?Copy !req
173. Could you spare five minutes,
please?Copy !req
174. We're just gonna step upstairs
for a moment, okay, Chris?Copy !req
175. The vultures are flying in today.Copy !req
176. There's a lot of shit going down.Copy !req
177. It's carnage.
They're cuttin' all the fat.Copy !req
178. - I heard Don's been shot.
- Don's been shot?Copy !req
179. I heard we've been bought out
by the Japanese.Copy !req
180. Hey, I just heard
that the Japanese have been shot!Copy !req
181. I don't wanna go!
Let me keep my monkeys!Copy !req
182. I don't care what happens to me,
but please let me keep my monkeys.Copy !req
183. What's going on?Copy !req
184. Nothing's going on.Copy !req
185. This is just an informal chat.Copy !req
186. We were wondering what
you were working on in your lab.Copy !req
187. I've invented a pill...Copy !req
188. that gives worms to ex-girlfriends.Copy !req
189. Right, and what's positive
about that?Copy !req
190. It's a pill that gives worms
to ex-girlfriends.Copy !req
191. Could it also give worms
to ex-boyfriends?Copy !req
192. This is a drug for the world...Copy !req
193. to give worms to ex-girlfriends!Copy !req
194. Well, great.
Thanks for stopping by.Copy !req
195. You just don't get it here!Copy !req
196. I've been working on a thing.
It's sort of like Stummies.Copy !req
197. Go on.
I like what I hear so far.Copy !req
198. It's exactly like Stummies.Copy !req
199. And the twist is?Copy !req
200. It's a much bigger pill.Copy !req
201. I like a lot.
Is it ready for production?Copy !req
202. Yes, it's ready to go.Copy !req
203. Any side effects.Copy !req
204. Yes, sir, a few side effects.Copy !req
205. That's okay. As long as there
are no"flipper babies," right, Don?Copy !req
206. Well, there have been
a few flipper babies.Copy !req
207. It was only a couple
of flipper babies!Copy !req
208. I'm starting to—Copy !req
209. It'd be better if you didn't.Copy !req
210. Dr. Cooper, please have a seat.Copy !req
211. This is just an informal chat.Copy !req
212. Would you like a Stummies?
There's some in front of you.Copy !req
213. Thank you very much.Copy !req
214. So, how's your family?Copy !req
215. I don't really have a family per se.Copy !req
216. So what are you working on?Copy !req
217. Well, as you know, I am working
on a drug that will cure depression.Copy !req
218. Go on.Copy !req
219. I really don't have
my notes with me.Copy !req
220. Apparently I do have
my notes with me.Copy !req
221. The results have been
very positive.Copy !req
222. Is it ready?Copy !req
223. Oh, um, well—Copy !req
224. If it's not ready—Copy !req
225. It's not that
it isn't ready, sir.Copy !req
226. It's that we have
so much more testing to do.Copy !req
227. Dr. Cooper...Copy !req
228. is it ready or not?Copy !req
229. I got great news!
They're going ahead with the drug!Copy !req
230. What?Copy !req
231. There are things I have to do.
Lots of things to do.Copy !req
232. But you said there was
more testing to do.Copy !req
233. Well, people say things.Copy !req
234. Hmm, fascinating!Copy !req
235. Isn't it early in the research phase
to be releasing a new drug?Copy !req
236. Simon, we can't be too
"by the bookie" about this testing.Copy !req
237. That's better.Copy !req
238. Besides, Baxter here said the drug
worked, and we all trust Baxter.Copy !req
239. - Don't we?
- It's just that—Copy !req
240. Alice, are you saying
you don't trust Baxter?Copy !req
241. No, I—Copy !req
242. - What gives?
- Yeah.Copy !req
243. They were gonna close our lab
if we didn't have a drug.Copy !req
244. Come on! We might be releasing the
most effective antidepressant ever!Copy !req
245. It is a good drug.Copy !req
246. Yeah, but—Copy !req
247. Yeah!Copy !req
248. Come on, let's celebrate!Copy !req
249. Who wants another drink?
Chris?Copy !req
250. Another drink?
Alice, you're in? Another one?Copy !req
251. Baxter? One more.Copy !req
252. Chris? Okay.Copy !req
253. Wait. Chris, another?Copy !req
254. Good. Chris, you're in?Copy !req
255. Come on, Alice?Copy !req
256. Another drink, right?Copy !req
257. - You're not sure?
- Come on.Copy !req
258. All right, Alice is having one.
And, Chris?Copy !req
259. You're having a drink.
All right.Copy !req
260. All right, hang on.
Baxter?Copy !req
261. Hey, look!Copy !req
262. I am an elephant rider.
Do you like that?Copy !req
263. My father suffered from depression.Copy !req
264. Chris, I never knew that.Copy !req
265. Yep!Copy !req
266. Hello, son.Copy !req
267. Did you clean the house
while your old man was at work?Copy !req
268. Yep!Copy !req
269. Good, good.Copy !req
270. Did you clean under the fridge?Copy !req
271. What about the gun? Did you
give the gun a good cleaning?Copy !req
272. - Yep!
- Good boy.Copy !req
273. Holy Mother, my foot!Copy !req
274. My other foot!Copy !req
275. Two hours later,
he hit a vital organ and died.Copy !req
276. I never knew that, Chris.Copy !req
277. No! This is wrong.Copy !req
278. We're scientists.Copy !req
279. Excuse me. The bill.Copy !req
280. Could you spare five minutes?Copy !req
281. Respectfully, shut the fuck up.Copy !req
282. You're not a plate of croissants.Copy !req
283. No, I'm not.Copy !req
284. Then can you get me something to eat
before I chew my fuckin' hand off?Copy !req
285. No, no, this is Dr. Chris Cooper.
He's the inventor of the drug.Copy !req
286. Thank you for inventing
a marvelous drug.Copy !req
287. This is Cisco.
He's head of marketing.Copy !req
288. We were having
a little jam session...Copy !req
289. and we wondered what
your thoughts were on orange.Copy !req
290. For what?Copy !req
291. The color of the drug.
Duh!Copy !req
292. Well, the actual color of the drug
in its nonsynthesized state...Copy !req
293. is kind of a bluish hue.Copy !req
294. Great. So orange it is then?Copy !req
295. Yeah? Okay.
Yeah, I think that's good.Copy !req
296. Could we get back to work?Copy !req
297. It's all happening so fast.Copy !req
298. Okay, I won't call for a week.Copy !req
299. What?Copy !req
300. I understand.Copy !req
301. Oh, good.Copy !req
302. Is something wrong?Copy !req
303. Oh, God, are you all right?Copy !req
304. I'm fine. I'm fine.
I needed the exercise.Copy !req
305. Dr. Cooper.
Dr. Chris Cooper.Copy !req
306. I was actually coming to see you.
Do you remember me?Copy !req
307. Of course.
You're 957.Copy !req
308. Dr. Cooper, because of you
and your marvelous drug...Copy !req
309. I'm out of the old folks home
and on my own again.Copy !req
310. I'm even working part-time
as a nude art model.Copy !req
311. Oh, I haven't felt this good since
they said,"It's not malignant."Copy !req
312. God bless you
and your important work.Copy !req
313. Bluish hue.Copy !req
314. Okay, I was driving around
last night in my $62,000 car...Copy !req
315. trying to think of a name for
the drug, and suddenly it hit me.Copy !req
316. The name?Copy !req
317. No, a bird hit my windshield.Copy !req
318. When that happened,
I got depressed.Copy !req
319. - Not you, Cisco.
- Yeah, even me.Copy !req
320. But as soon as I got depressed,
I got"undepressed"...Copy !req
321. 'cause as I was cleaning
the gleaming guts off my windshield...Copy !req
322. I thought of the name for the drug—
Gleemonex!Copy !req
323. The slogan?Copy !req
324. Gleemonex makes you feel
like it's 72 degrees in your head...Copy !req
325. all the time.Copy !req
326. The drug is approved. Next.Copy !req
327. I used to live on the street.Copy !req
328. Had cardboard bum
from sleeping on cardboard.Copy !req
329. Then Jesus—Copy !req
330. I mean Dr. Cooper
gave me his drug.Copy !req
331. Now I'm more productive.Copy !req
332. I'm a security guard
with a gun.Copy !req
333. Hi! Welcome to
the Nina Bedford Show.Copy !req
334. I'm Nina Bedford.
Do you like my new outfit?Copy !req
335. Happiness.Copy !req
336. Can it be bought
in the form of a pill?Copy !req
337. On today's Nina Bedford Show
we're talking to Dr. Chris Cooper...Copy !req
338. the inventor of
the new wonder drug Gleemonex.Copy !req
339. Dr. Cooper, tell us about
this new happy drug.Copy !req
340. How does it make people feel?Copy !req
341. Well, Nina, what we like to say
around the lab...Copy !req
342. is that it makes people
feel like it's...Copy !req
343. 72 degrees in the head
all the time.Copy !req
344. We don't say that.Copy !req
345. We could start.Copy !req
346. Sounds like L.A.Copy !req
347. Okay. Questions.Copy !req
348. Yes, sir, you.Copy !req
349. I want to be a scientist
just like you. What's your advice?Copy !req
350. Work hard and stay in school.Copy !req
351. Good advice. Anyone else?
Yes, ma'am.Copy !req
352. All the way up here.Copy !req
353. How big is your house?Copy !req
354. Yeah, how big is your house?Copy !req
355. Actually I live
in a small apartment.Copy !req
356. Next question.
Yes, you, ma'am.Copy !req
357. Did anyone ever tell you
that you look like Tom Jones?Copy !req
358. We think you do.Copy !req
359. Doesn't anyone wanna know
how the drug works chemically?Copy !req
360. Stand up and wiggle
your hips for us.Copy !req
361. - No, I couldn't.
- Come on!Copy !req
362. Ladies, don't you wanna see
him wiggle his hips? I do.Copy !req
363. I'm more of a scientist
than a wiggler.Copy !req
364. Get up!Copy !req
365. He does look like
a young Tom Jones.Copy !req
366. When we come back...Copy !req
367. we're gonna give Dr. Cooper
a compete makeover.Copy !req
368. Chris, wiggle us out!Copy !req
369. Soak it up, you ugly sponge.Copy !req
370. You go, Dr. Chris!Copy !req
371. Did you see that
Nina Bedford Show this morning?Copy !req
372. Yeah, that thing
about toast fucking.Copy !req
373. Toast fucking?Copy !req
374. It's a new thing where you fuck
or get fucked with toast.Copy !req
375. The show this morning
was about that new drug.Copy !req
376. Must've been a dream I had.Copy !req
377. I hope so.Copy !req
378. Pitter patter, let's get at her.Copy !req
379. Hang on a second.
I gotta drain the snake.Copy !req
380. Drain the snake.Copy !req
381. Lights off, asshole.Copy !req
382. Cop! Run!Copy !req
383. Freeze!Copy !req
384. I'm your nightmare, mister!
Freeze!Copy !req
385. Freeze!Copy !req
386. I got one.Copy !req
387. - Officer— They stole my wallet.
- Down.Copy !req
388. Down on the ground.
Get down on the ground.Copy !req
389. We always win.Copy !req
390. Would you step out of the car,
please, sir?Copy !req
391. It's all a big misunderstanding.Copy !req
392. Like a Three's Company episode.Copy !req
393. Somebody came in the wrong door
and all hell broke loose.Copy !req
394. Doreen!Copy !req
395. Oh, Wally.Copy !req
396. We didn't charge him.Copy !req
397. We thought bringing him home
bare naked was punishment enough.Copy !req
398. Were the handcuffs
totally necessary, Officer?Copy !req
399. Actually, that was
your husband's idea.Copy !req
400. Thanks for dropping him off.
Good night.Copy !req
401. I don't understand how a man can
get up to these park shenanigans...Copy !req
402. with a lovely piece of ass
like yourself waiting at home.Copy !req
403. Thank you, I guess.Copy !req
404. You're welcome.Copy !req
405. Honey, I think you've got
a right to know what happened.Copy !req
406. - Wally, please don't.
- No, no, no.Copy !req
407. I went out driving, because
as you know I love driving...Copy !req
408. when suddenly I had to take
the biggest pee in the world.Copy !req
409. So I saw this washroom.Copy !req
410. I stopped in, but it was full
of those"types."Copy !req
411. You know, queers and queens.Copy !req
412. So one of them tried to kiss me...Copy !req
413. and I said,"No! No, no."Copy !req
414. But he just kept kissing me.
Why would he do that?Copy !req
415. Well, didn't you tell me
that you had...Copy !req
416. gripped him by the buttocks
and pulled him closer?Copy !req
417. Yes, but that was 'cause
I was concerned that he might fall.Copy !req
418. Doctor, his pants were down
around his goddamn ankles.Copy !req
419. Doctor, why do those—
you know—Copy !req
420. those"types" keep thinking
that I'm one of them?Copy !req
421. Because you are one of them.Copy !req
422. You are gay.Copy !req
423. You are gay. You are a homosexual.
The opposite of straight.Copy !req
424. You're gay. I know it, your family
knows it. Dogs know it!Copy !req
425. Everyone seems to know it
except you!Copy !req
426. Why am I not aware of it?Copy !req
427. It's called denial.Copy !req
428. Look, Doctor, are you
just gonna sit there...Copy !req
429. and spew psychiatric
mumbo jumbo at me all day?Copy !req
430. No, I'm just gonna write you
a prescription...Copy !req
431. for the drug.Copy !req
432. The drug?Copy !req
433. Yes. Gleemonex. It's new.Copy !req
434. I don't normally like to do this,
but you're a special case.Copy !req
435. Will I still be in denial?Copy !req
436. No, it's to be hoped
that you'll just be gay.Copy !req
437. - Casey's on it.
- Futura's on it.Copy !req
438. - Robbie's on it.
- Seven's on it.Copy !req
439. - Josh is on it.
- Sky is on it.Copy !req
440. Of course Sky is on it.
Sky's on everything.Copy !req
441. - Yeah, including you.
- Once!Copy !req
442. Yeah, well?Copy !req
443. It's made from monkey come,
you know.Copy !req
444. Pardon me?Copy !req
445. The drug.
It's made from monkey come.Copy !req
446. They keep these monkeys
locked in a room all day.Copy !req
447. Then they make them jack off.Copy !req
448. Then they take the come and boil it.
That's what the drug is made of.Copy !req
449. Ah! They make them jack off?Copy !req
450. Oh, yeah, they show them
this animal pornography.Copy !req
451. Really kinky stuff like two dogs
making love with a cat...Copy !req
452. or a bat and a pig.Copy !req
453. That's bullshit!Copy !req
454. You two, out of my cab!Copy !req
455. I don't like that kind of language.Copy !req
456. - You're obviously not on it.
- Move it out of here!Copy !req
457. You're not getting dollar one,
you ugly man!Copy !req
458. I don't give a crap,
you stupid slinky whore!Copy !req
459. - Is he coming out?
- I hear he's too depressed to go on.Copy !req
460. It's gonna be amazing, eh?Copy !req
461. Hold it!Copy !req
462. I wanna talk about drugs.Copy !req
463. Heroin!Copy !req
464. No, not heroin.Copy !req
465. Speed!Copy !req
466. No, not speed.Copy !req
467. Hashish!Copy !req
468. No, not even hashish.Copy !req
469. Horse tranquilizers?Copy !req
470. Not horse tranquilizers.Copy !req
471. I just heard about this new drug
that makes you happy.Copy !req
472. I just wanna say—Copy !req
473. Fuck happy!Copy !req
474. Well, Marv...Copy !req
475. are they in?Copy !req
476. Yes, Don, the grosses are in.Copy !req
477. Well?Copy !req
478. I think it's important
to remember...Copy !req
479. these things are never as bad
as they may seem at first.Copy !req
480. The data can be interpreted
in many ways. Bear that in mind.Copy !req
481. There are a lot of ways
of interpreting the data.Copy !req
482. You son of a bitch.
We're number one.Copy !req
483. I got you!Copy !req
484. You son of a bitch!
We beat penicillin!Copy !req
485. We kicked penicillin's sorry ass!Copy !req
486. Could I have the room for a second,
you son of a bitch?Copy !req
487. Yes, Don, I understand.Copy !req
488. We beat penicillin!Copy !req
489. Mr. November.Copy !req
490. He's hot.Copy !req
491. Mr. December.Copy !req
492. He likes it hot.Copy !req
493. You are scum!
Do you hear me, soldier?Copy !req
494. Yes, sir!Copy !req
495. Do you know what we
are going to do today?Copy !req
496. No, sir!Copy !req
497. We are going
to be doing push-ups all day!Copy !req
498. You and me, all day!Copy !req
499. - Do you think that's funny, soldier?
- No, sir!Copy !req
500. You will be doing those push-ups
with me lying on your back!Copy !req
501. You are going to discover muscles
you never knew you had!Copy !req
502. Big muscles!Copy !req
503. Hard muscles!Copy !req
504. Oh, yes, sir!Copy !req
505. Guess what?Copy !req
506. I'm gay!Copy !req
507. I'm gay!Copy !req
508. He's gay!Copy !req
509. Did you hear the news
He's gayCopy !req
510. I was straight and now I'm gay
I think the drug made me that wayCopy !req
511. He's gay, he's gay, he's gayCopy !req
512. I'm gayCopy !req
513. Who cares?Copy !req
514. These are fakes.
Get outta here!Copy !req
515. Scram!Copy !req
516. Thank you.
Have a good evening.Copy !req
517. I think that's him,
the inventor of the drug.Copy !req
518. My God, Mr. Roritor's house
is amazing.Copy !req
519. When I was a little girl,
I used to—Copy !req
520. Chris, can I see you?
It'll just take five minutes. Great.Copy !req
521. They're talking about us.Copy !req
522. - Someone would like to meet you.
- Oh, really?Copy !req
523. Hi, Doctor.
I'm"Cancer Boy."Copy !req
524. What would you like to say
to the doctor?Copy !req
525. I'd like to thank you
for your marvelous drug.Copy !req
526. Are you on it, Cancer Boy?Copy !req
527. No, there is no hope for me.
But my parents are on it.Copy !req
528. They were so very low,
not just because of me...Copy !req
529. but because my brother was born
with his heart outside of his body.Copy !req
530. - Is that a fact?
- Yeah.Copy !req
531. Nice to make your acquaintance.Copy !req
532. Sorry, sorry.Copy !req
533. That's okay.
My marrow is just low.Copy !req
534. Chris, you've been ignoring Don.
You really should speak with him.Copy !req
535. Each day's a gift.Copy !req
536. Did you see?Copy !req
537. The doctor and me, did you see?Copy !req
538. Hi, Chris. Come in.Copy !req
539. I'm almost done.Copy !req
540. Thank you, Marv.Copy !req
541. Could you do it harder?Copy !req
542. Little softer.Copy !req
543. Right, in circles.Copy !req
544. Less in circles.Copy !req
545. But more in circles.Copy !req
546. Right.Copy !req
547. Great. Done.
Head scratch, Chris?Copy !req
548. No, thank you, Don.Copy !req
549. You sure?Copy !req
550. Thanks. Good job.Copy !req
551. Can I get you anything else?Copy !req
552. Grappa, wine, cappuccino,
tickets to a Lakers game?Copy !req
553. - No, thanks.
- Are you sure?Copy !req
554. What about cheesecake?Copy !req
555. Double-A batteries?Copy !req
556. Land in Montana?Copy !req
557. No, thank you.Copy !req
558. I offer you these, but they'll be
yours anyway. Do you understand?Copy !req
559. - Did Marv talk to you?
- Yes, he did.Copy !req
560. Good. So you know.Copy !req
561. Know what?Copy !req
562. That we're applying for your drug
to be nonprescription.Copy !req
563. But my drug is for
the clinically depressed.Copy !req
564. Chris, you've invented...Copy !req
565. a marvelous drug, and right now
only certain people can have access.Copy !req
566. We think that everyone
should have access to it.Copy !req
567. Like ghetto children.
Apparently their lives are horrible.Copy !req
568. Did you read that thing
in the Times?Copy !req
569. You want ghetto children
to be happy, don't you, Chris?Copy !req
570. - Sure, Don, but—
- Of course you do.Copy !req
571. There may be some papers to sign,
that's if this thing happens.Copy !req
572. But it might not happen.
You know how these things are.Copy !req
573. But I really think—Copy !req
574. That was supposed to be fixed.Copy !req
575. Come on, Chris.Copy !req
576. Hang on, I'll introduce
you around. Everyone!Copy !req
577. This is Chris Cooper.
He's the inventor of our new drug.Copy !req
578. As some of you know...Copy !req
579. the drug is going nonprescription,
which is good.Copy !req
580. That's it.Copy !req
581. What's this?Copy !req
582. This is the real party.Copy !req
583. Where's Chris?Copy !req
584. I don't know.
I haven't seen him in a while.Copy !req
585. - He's over here.
- What?Copy !req
586. He's on this monitor.Copy !req
587. Wow. Who's she?Copy !req
588. Cute!Copy !req
589. She must be another scientist.Copy !req
590. So, Chrissie, does this mutt say,
"Gleemonex for pets"?Copy !req
591. Sort of.Copy !req
592. You know, I don't even know
if he looks happy...Copy !req
593. of if he would even take the drug.Copy !req
594. You don't like, Chris?Copy !req
595. It's just that—Copy !req
596. I have this dog in my head,
and I haven't see it yet.Copy !req
597. Right. Right.Copy !req
598. I gotta see more dogs.
I gotta have more dogs.Copy !req
599. This is a dog disaster.
I gotta see more dogs!Copy !req
600. Nat?Copy !req
601. - My cup is luke.
- Luke warm, Chris?Copy !req
602. No, Luke Skywalker,
you fuckin' inbred!Copy !req
603. Tasty.Copy !req
604. Grivo! Grivo!Copy !req
605. Hold it.Copy !req
606. Heroin!Copy !req
607. No, not heroin.Copy !req
608. I have a new song.
I wrote it in the park.Copy !req
609. Happiness and sunbeamsCopy !req
610. And cute little puppy dogsCopy !req
611. These are the things
that I've seen with my heartCopy !req
612. Life is a happy game
if you don't forget to smileCopy !req
613. But every now and then
your faceCopy !req
614. Fuck! He's on the drug.Copy !req
615. It harbors a frownCopy !req
616. You suck!Copy !req
617. Sadness is a barnacle
clinging to your bright boatCopy !req
618. You won't let it sink your spirits
if you'll only learn to floatCopy !req
619. We are all sea captains
sailing on life's rough seasCopy !req
620. Come on you Magellans
Come with meCopy !req
621. I've got pieCopy !req
622. Happiness pieCopy !req
623. Happy tailors, happy workers
happy farmers, happy girlsCopy !req
624. Happy widowers, happy freelance artists
happy welders, happy worldCopy !req
625. happy drinkers, happy thinkers
happy musicians, happy beauticiansCopy !req
626. Happy mayors, happy pairs
happy call girls, happy hula boysCopy !req
627. Happiness pieCopy !req
628. PieCopy !req
629. Happiness pieCopy !req
630. The winner of the World Video Award
for best new contemporary song...Copy !req
631. Grivo!Copy !req
632. Thank you.Copy !req
633. I'd like to thank my fan base.Copy !req
634. We did it.Copy !req
635. Smile. It's free.Copy !req
636. He's the inventor
of the wonder drug, Gleemonex.Copy !req
637. She's a super supermodel!Copy !req
638. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
Clemptor and Dr. Chris Cooper.Copy !req
639. Writing a hit song
is a real science.Copy !req
640. Well, you should know, Chris.Copy !req
641. And now, the award...Copy !req
642. for the best new rap,
hip-hop or folk act—Copy !req
643. And the first nominee
is Cancer Boy.Copy !req
644. Yummy.Copy !req
645. From his new album,
Whistle When You're Low.Copy !req
646. Chris! Chris!Copy !req
647. Thank you!Copy !req
648. I would've killed myself if not for you!
Can I have an autograph?Copy !req
649. Sure. Should I sign
along the scar? Put her there!Copy !req
650. Chris Cooper signed my scar!Copy !req
651. I love you, man.Copy !req
652. Something's in my eye!Copy !req
653. Fucking bird!Copy !req
654. Chris, do you want me to get it?Copy !req
655. No, I'm...Copy !req
656. favorable.Copy !req
657. Would one of you ladies
get the door?Copy !req
658. Oh, hello.Copy !req
659. What do you want?Copy !req
660. Is your uncle here?Copy !req
661. Uncle?Copy !req
662. Right.Copy !req
663. Uncle Chris!Copy !req
664. Uncle? What, are we gonna play
another game, 'cause— Alice!Copy !req
665. What are you doing here?Copy !req
666. There's something wrong
with little Signund.Copy !req
667. Chris, can we order
some chicken wings?Copy !req
668. Get a receipt.Copy !req
669. What do you mean"wrong"?Copy !req
670. He's in some sort of coma.Copy !req
671. Let me see.Copy !req
672. I think little Signund's locked
in his happiest memory.Copy !req
673. I see a mouse thinking, Alice.Copy !req
674. That's it.
We're breaking up.Copy !req
675. Alice, you seem a little upset
and pretty deluded.Copy !req
676. I just think you should seriously
consider taking my drug.Copy !req
677. Women!Copy !req
678. Not you two.Copy !req
679. I was in love with you.
I could have anyone.Copy !req
680. I'm beautiful!Copy !req
681. We almost kissed.Copy !req
682. When will you girls sign that form
that says last night never happened?Copy !req
683. It's all yours, Captain.Copy !req
684. Go on, make your move.Copy !req
685. 957?Copy !req
686. Mrs. Hurdicure!Copy !req
687. Cat on my head!Copy !req
688. Hey, you kids!Copy !req
689. Get away from there! Get out
from under that lady's dress!Copy !req
690. Mrs. Hurdicure, are you all right?Copy !req
691. Are you all right?Copy !req
692. - Coming!
- Presents!Copy !req
693. Gotta go.Copy !req
694. - It's a harmonica.
- That was lovely.Copy !req
695. Tea?Copy !req
696. Dr. Cooper, is it ready or not?Copy !req
697. In my opinion,
the drug is ready.Copy !req
698. Don, we're—Copy !req
699. Don, could I—Copy !req
700. Excuse me a second, Rabbi.Copy !req
701. Chris, we're having a family bris.Copy !req
702. My nephew's brising. We're about
to bris. Can this not wait?Copy !req
703. - We're in trouble.
- What?Copy !req
704. When I told you the drug was ready,
I hadn't done enough testing.Copy !req
705. Now Mrs. Hurdicure, one
of the first test subjects has...Copy !req
706. gone into a coma.Copy !req
707. Yeah, Chris,
but wasn't she an old lady?Copy !req
708. Old ladies
go into comas every day.Copy !req
709. No, it's the drug.Copy !req
710. Alice tried to warn me,
but I didn't listen.Copy !req
711. But people gotta know.
We gotta go to the media.Copy !req
712. The media?Copy !req
713. What are you talking— newspaper,
television, CD-ROM, college radio?Copy !req
714. Yes, the whole kit and caboodle.Copy !req
715. I think we ought to think about it
before we go to the media.Copy !req
716. - We shouldn't go to the media.
- You know, I agree.Copy !req
717. But we have to!Copy !req
718. Rabbi Johnson,
just gimme a minute, okay?Copy !req
719. Chris, let's talk.Copy !req
720. You know, the thing
about being upset is that...Copy !req
721. besides it sometimes being
a turn-on to women...Copy !req
722. it's not a state you wanna be in
when making important decisions...Copy !req
723. like going to the press,
wouldn't you agree?Copy !req
724. No, I wouldn't.
We gotta get the word out.Copy !req
725. Yeah, but you would agree
that Paris is the capital of France?Copy !req
726. - Wouldn't you agree to that?
- Yes, but—Copy !req
727. Good. Then we're back in agreement.Copy !req
728. Your drug is effectively changing
the world for the better.Copy !req
729. It's important that you know that.Copy !req
730. Have you heard that crack is gone?
Crime is down...Copy !req
731. and oddly enough,
so is tourism.Copy !req
732. But if I haven't said it before,
good job.Copy !req
733. About the comas...Copy !req
734. in war they call that sort of thing
"acceptable losses."Copy !req
735. Like 1944, the Germans are in France
when they should be in Germany...Copy !req
736. and it's gonna cost
a pretty penny to get them home.Copy !req
737. What we already know about your drug
and what I'm gonna show you...Copy !req
738. is that the acceptable losses there
are really at about 5%, if that.Copy !req
739. Chris, it might be very easy here
to take the narrow view and say...Copy !req
740. "My God, more coma victims,
oh, how terrible."Copy !req
741. Blah, blah, blah.Copy !req
742. Chris, I still think
that's the narrow view.Copy !req
743. They're stuck
in their happiest memories.Copy !req
744. Won't you take me to Funky TownCopy !req
745. Funky TownCopy !req
746. In a situation like this...Copy !req
747. you should rely on my experience.Copy !req
748. When I invented Stummies—Copy !req
749. Fuck Stummies!Copy !req
750. And you too, Don!Copy !req
751. You pushed, boy, you pushed!Copy !req
752. Dumb Baxter said the drug was great.
I said testing!Copy !req
753. And you took away my lab 'cause—Copy !req
754. Sure, I lost my virginity,
but who do you think—Copy !req
755. You pushed, boy, you pushed!Copy !req
756. I gotta return Rear Window
to the video store and now this!Copy !req
757. Comas? Acceptable losses? Late fees?Copy !req
758. No, I don't think I will
"fuck Stummies."Copy !req
759. Get your finger out of my face.Copy !req
760. Don't you touch my finger.Copy !req
761. - Get your finger out of my face.
- Don't you touch my finger.Copy !req
762. You know, I had such
high hopes for you...Copy !req
763. but unfortunately
you just don't get it.Copy !req
764. My fucking finger!Copy !req
765. What's the matter?Copy !req
766. Oh, Wallace?Copy !req
767. Wally?Copy !req
768. Come on now. Not tonight,
we're wearing our suits.Copy !req
769. No secrets here, remember?
No secrets between sailors.Copy !req
770. You are scum!
Do you hear me, soldier?Copy !req
771. Terzinsky.Copy !req
772. - Yes, sir?
- See the two enemies by the wall?Copy !req
773. Got 'em.Copy !req
774. You're my best man.
Here's the plan.Copy !req
775. You go over there and fuck them,
we'll stay here and masturbate.Copy !req
776. - Yes, sir!
- Go!Copy !req
777. There goes a man!Copy !req
778. Chris.Copy !req
779. Chris, I thought you said
the drug was ready.Copy !req
780. I'm confused. I thought you said
the drug was ready.Copy !req
781. Chris, you said the drug was ready.Copy !req
782. Oh, Dr. Cooper, thank you
for your marvelous coma!Copy !req
783. Coma! Coma!Copy !req
784. Don't go to the media.Copy !req
785. I gotta go to the media!Copy !req
786. I'd like to thank the members
of the media who did make it.Copy !req
787. College radio...Copy !req
788. Weapons and Helmets magazine...Copy !req
789. of course Girl Beat.Copy !req
790. Thank you all for coming.Copy !req
791. Who needs the networks anyway?Copy !req
792. Okay then, follow me.Copy !req
793. I'm gonna take you to where
Roritor hides its terrible secret.Copy !req
794. A secret that
I'm responsible for.Copy !req
795. I accept my part in this
and ask you to brace yourselves...Copy !req
796. as you bear witness to Roritor's...Copy !req
797. hideousness!Copy !req
798. Can you spare five minutes, Chris?Copy !req
799. No, Marv!
I'm going to expose the comas!Copy !req
800. I can help if you'll come with me.Copy !req
801. Okay, fine.Copy !req
802. Let's go.Copy !req
803. Afraid it's the other way, Chris.Copy !req
804. All right, everyone, stay together.
Tight unit.Copy !req
805. I'm glad that you and Don
have come to your senses...Copy !req
806. and realize that you can't—Copy !req
807. What is this?Copy !req
808. This is the real press conference.Copy !req
809. The real press conference?Copy !req
810. There's food.Copy !req
811. Ladies and everyone...Copy !req
812. we've been joined
by Dr. Chris Cooper.Copy !req
813. And thanks to Dr. Cooper...Copy !req
814. we're pleased to announce
that we're breaking ground...Copy !req
815. on the first of ten
new Roritor Comatoriums.Copy !req
816. Now I'd like to introduce you
to our first lucky resident.Copy !req
817. There, there, old darling.Copy !req
818. It's Mrs. Hurdicure.Copy !req
819. What a wonderful visit we're having
to Roritor's new Comatorium...Copy !req
820. where my mother will be cared for,
washed and read to.Copy !req
821. - We envy her.
- Yes, we do.Copy !req
822. But we will settle for this
cashier's check...Copy !req
823. for $ 10,000.Copy !req
824. Which families receive if a lucky
loved one goes to a better place—Copy !req
825. their happiest memory.Copy !req
826. Wow, that's a lot of money!
How pleasing!Copy !req
827. Wait!Copy !req
828. That's not what I invented
the drug for.Copy !req
829. I mean, does she look happy?Copy !req
830. Yes.Copy !req
831. Okay granted, she looks happy.Copy !req
832. But people are supposed
to be depressed sometimes!Copy !req
833. We invented the drug for people
too depressed to get off the floor.Copy !req
834. Not because you missed your bus...Copy !req
835. or you don't look good
in a yellow hat.Copy !req
836. That's just wrong.Copy !req
837. Tell 'em, Chris.Copy !req
838. I mean, without his pain
and his sadness...Copy !req
839. could Van Gogh have painted
all that stuff?Copy !req
840. I know that's not an actual
Van Gogh, but still my point is...Copy !req
841. you can't be happy all the time!Copy !req
842. That's life!
Take it back!Copy !req
843. You know, those words hurt.Copy !req
844. But you realize they come from a
man who's gone mad with depression.Copy !req
845. Unfortunately, it seems to happen
to some of our greatest geniuses.Copy !req
846. People like Oppenheimer,
Schweitzer...Copy !req
847. Boxcar Willie.Copy !req
848. That's why today we're specially sad
to announce that Dr. Chris Cooper...Copy !req
849. has in fact been found
certifiably depressed.Copy !req
850. What does that mean again, Cisco?Copy !req
851. Legally, he's gotta take
his own drug.Copy !req
852. Right.Copy !req
853. Please, Chris, we want you to try
and remember...Copy !req
854. that we're only doing this
because we love you.Copy !req
855. If the pill is so safe, Don,
why don't you take it?Copy !req
856. Yeah!Copy !req
857. Why don't you take it?Copy !req
858. I've absolutely no problem
with that.Copy !req
859. In fact, I'm quite fond
of the drug.Copy !req
860. And if a demonstration is what
is needed here, so be it.Copy !req
861. - Marv?
- Yes, Don?Copy !req
862. Take the drug.Copy !req
863. Of course, Don.Copy !req
864. Is that cappuccino
ever gonna be ready...Copy !req
865. or do I have to come in there
and grind the beans with your head?Copy !req
866. Just warming it up, Don.Copy !req
867. What is taking you so long?Copy !req
868. Stop staring at me.Copy !req
869. Coming, Don.Copy !req
870. Well, there you have it.Copy !req
871. I've done my part.
We've taken the drug.Copy !req
872. And now it's your turn, Dr. Cooper.Copy !req
873. Oh, come on, Chris. Open.Copy !req
874. Oh, dear.Copy !req
875. It's the little things in life
that make it worthwhile.Copy !req
876. Good coffee, Marv.Copy !req
877. Slipped off my shoes.Copy !req
878. So, did they listen to Dr. Cooper
and stop taking the drug?Copy !req
879. No, they did not, goddamn it!Copy !req
880. Today they even have parades
to celebrate the comas.Copy !req
881. And they drag out the poor bastards
like they're fucking astronauts.Copy !req
882. I don't like the world now.Copy !req
883. I mean, before I always knew
I was a son of a bitch.Copy !req
884. But now I'm the only
son of a bitch I know.Copy !req
885. Make way for a real human being!Copy !req
886. Get out of the way, you—Copy !req
887. As for Dr. Cooper...Copy !req
888. well, some people say
that hejoined a KISS cover band...Copy !req
889. and he rocks three nights a week
in some chicken wing spot.Copy !req
890. But still, others say,
and I hope this is true...Copy !req
891. that he is out there, somewhere...Copy !req
892. working on the cure
for all this stupid happiness.Copy !req
893. All right, everyone, easy, easy.Copy !req
894. Alice, wait.Copy !req
895. I just wanna say
that we've worked very hard...Copy !req
896. under some
difficult circumstances...Copy !req
897. and I'm very confident
that this new drug...Copy !req
898. will unlock her unhappiest memory.Copy !req
899. Yeah, but that's what you said
about the drug we tested on Baxter.Copy !req
900. Okay then, let's get at it.Copy !req
901. Open wide, Mrs. Hurdicure.Copy !req
902. That's a good girl.Copy !req
903. Mrs. Hurdicure...Copy !req
904. how do you feel?Copy !req
905. Sad.Copy !req
906. She's depressed!Copy !req
907. Yes, yes!Copy !req
908. She's sad! She's sad!Copy !req
909. Baxter, we did it.Copy !req
910. Yeah.Copy !req
911. Wait. Baxter.Copy !req
912. No, Baxter! Bax—Copy !req
913. She's sad!Copy !req
914. Alice, we just depressed
one old lady.Copy !req
915. We got a whole world
to bum out.Copy !req
916. It can wait.Copy !req
917. Okay, Miguel,
I got a surprise for you.Copy !req
918. So keep your eyes closed
and don't peek, okay?Copy !req
919. Okay, open your eyes.Copy !req
920. Surprise!Copy !req
921. Wow, thanks, Grandma!Copy !req
922. Happy birthday, Miguel.
Oh, you look adorable.Copy !req
923. Let me get a picture of you.Copy !req
924. Boy, oh, boy, this will be grand.
Miguel?Copy !req
925. Miguel!Copy !req
926. Oh, no. Come to Grandma.Copy !req
927. I'm gonna fall!Copy !req
928. So what does
this whole story mean?Copy !req
929. The only way to be happy is to knowCopy !req
930. You won't be happy every single dayCopy !req
931. It sounds better...Copy !req
932. in the original Croatian.Copy !req
933. As for the kid,
he turned out okay.Copy !req
934. He came down in a field
a couple of days later...Copy !req
935. and ironically grew up
to be an airline pilot.Copy !req
936. So there you go.
You have your happy ending.Copy !req
937. Now get out...Copy !req
938. because nowhere on your ticket
does it say you can sleep here.Copy !req
939. Mother Hurdicure.Copy !req
940. Oh, Ginny.Copy !req
941. Where's Miguel?Copy !req
942. I thought he was with you.Copy !req
943. Well, he's missed the clown.Copy !req