- 1. Guardian of the universe.
- 2. Protecting us against the forces of evil.
- 3. The superpowers of this man...
- 4. He can catch a bullet,
- 5. halt a speeding train.
- 6. And leap tall buildings in a single bound.
- 7. - Up in the sky...
- Is it a bird?
- 8. A mailman by day...
- 9. City's guardian by night.
- 10. Defending the citizens of New York
from the forces of evil.
- 11. The world has been protected
by a group of extraordinary men and women
- 12. who have dedicated themselves
to fighting crime.
- 13. Mysterious traveler from another dimension.
- 14. He has powers far beyond
the capabilities of mere earthlings.
- 15. I always wondered
why nobody did it before me.
- 16. I mean, all those comic books,
movies, TV shows,
- 17. you'd think that one eccentric loner
would have made himself a costume.
- 18. I mean, is everyday life really so exciting?
- 19. Are schools and offices so thrilling
- 20. that I'm the only one
who ever fantasized about this?
- 21. Come on, be honest with yourself.
- 22. At some point in our lives,
we all wanted to be a superhero.
- 23. That's not me, by the way.
- 24. That's some Armenian guy
with a history of mental health problems.
- 25. Who am I? I'm Kick-Ass.
- 26. That's me,
back before any of this crazy shit happened.
- 27. I guess I was the last person
you'd expect to become a superhero.
- 28. I'm not saying
there was anything wrong with me,
- 29. but there was nothing special, either.
- 30. - Asshole.
- I wasn't into sports.
- 31. I wasn't a mathlete or a hardcore gamer.
- 32. I didn't have a piercing
or an eating disorder
- 33. or 3,000 friends on MySpace.
- 34. My only superpower
was being invisible to girls.
- 35. And out of my friends, man,
I wasn't even the funny one.
- 36. Like most people my age, I just existed.
- 37. Good morning, class.
- 38. Please open your books to Act 2, Scene 2.
- 39. Kick in my bedroom door,
and you'd probably find me watching TV
- 40. or talking to my friend Todd on Skype...
- 41. - Are you watching Family Guy?
- 42. Me, either. Check out nippleslip. Com.
- 43. orjerking off,
mostly to my English teacher.
- 44. Dave Lizewski.
- 45. Don't think I haven't noticed
you looking at my tits, Dave.
- 46. I want your hands all over me, Dave.
- 47. Please.
- 48. Sure, a lot of what got me
through the average school day
- 49. was making deposits
in the whack-off warehouse for later.
- 50. Though to be honest,
- 51. it didn't take much to set me off.
- 52. I swear, when my hormones balance out,
- 53. shares in Kleenex
are gonna take a dive, man.
- 54. Dave Lizewski, shouldn't you be looking
at Hamlet right now?
- 55. Yes, Mrs. Zane.
- 56. I'm sorry.
- 57. But don't get me wrong.
I like girls my own age, too.
- 58. Especially Katie Deauxma.
- 59. Hey, gorgeous.
- 60. Hey.
- 61. Oh, no.
- 62. You meant Erika. I know. I knew that.
- 63. I was just kidding.
- 64. Okay, cool.
- 65. Oh, my God.
- 66. Hey. Look, I'm Todd's mom.
- 67. That's funny. This is your dad.
- 68. No, that's still my mom, actually.
- 69. What the fuck!
- 70. I was just a regular guy.
- 71. No radioactive spiders, no refugee status
from a doomed alien world.
- 72. You know what? Todd said
they do still make Count Chocula.
- 73. They just don't sell it at the store anymore.
- 74. My mother was killed by an aneurism
in the kitchen...
- 75. - Mom?
as opposed to a gunman in the alley.
- 76. So if you were hoping for any,
- 77. "I will avenge you, Mother!"
- 78. You're out of luck.
- 79. In the 18 months since my mother died,
- 80. the only epiphany I had
was realizing that life just goes on.
- 81. Did they change the bee's face?
- 82. No.
- 83. How come nobody's ever tried
to be a superhero?
- 84. Boy, I don't know.
- 85. Probably 'cause it's fucking impossible,
- 86. What, putting on a mask and
helping people? How's that impossible?
- 87. That's not superhero, though.
How is that super?
- 88. Super's like being stronger than everybody
and flying and shit. That's just hero.
- 89. No, it's not even hero.
It's just fucking psycho.
- 90. Hello? Bruce Wayne?
He didn't have any powers.
- 91. Yes, but he had all the expensive shit
that doesn't exist.
- 92. I thought you meant, like,
"How come nobody does it in real life?"
- 93. Yeah, Todd, that's what I meant.
- 94. Dude, if anybody did it in real life,
they'd get their ass kicked.
- 95. - They'd be dead in, like, a day.
- A day.
- 96. Yeah, okay,
I'm not saying they should do it.
- 97. I just can't figure out why nobody does.
- 98. Seriously, out of all the millions of people
who love superheroes,
- 99. you'd think one would give it a try.
- 100. Jesus, guys, does it not bug you?
- 101. Why thousands of people
wanna be Paris Hilton
- 102. and nobody wants to be Spider-Man?
- 103. Yeah, what's with that?
She has, like, no tits at all.
- 104. Maybe it's the porn tape.
He doesn't have a porn tape.
- 105. You guys never saw
One Night in Spider-Man?
- 106. Guess who?
- 107. Is it me or do you kind of feel sorry
for Chris D'Amico?
- 108. Yeah, it must be terrible
to have a rich dad and everything you want.
- 109. I wish you wouldn't have said anything
- 110. - 'cause I feel like I'm gonna start crying.
- 111. The fact that he's always on his own?
- 112. We should, like, talk to him.
See if he wants to hang out with us.
- 113. I didn't say we should talk to him. I just...
- 114. Think about it. Come on, it'd be awesome.
- 115. If he was our friend,
no one would ever fuck with us again.
- 116. Well, go on then, Todd. You wanna...
- 117. - I can get up.
- No, no...
- 118. - You wanna go talk to him? I can move.
- Dave... Dave should go.
- 119. - Dave should go.
- 120. - Dave, you should totally go.
- 121. - You're a dick.
- Don't be afraid, Dave.
- 122. You're a pussy.
- 123. Fuck off.
- 124. Did you spray anything over there?
- 125. Yeah, I think
I might have just shat in my pants a little.
- 126. - See you later.
- God, see you.
- 127. If that guy would have spoken to me
like that, I would have kicked his ass.
- 128. Todd, when have you ever
kicked anyone's ass?
- 129. Whatever, man.
I would have just gone for his knees.
- 130. - You're not making sense.
- What I'm saying is the centrifugal force
- 131. of Batman's batarang would undoubtedly
penetrate the Joker's force field,
- 132. - leaving him totally vulnerable to the...
- All right...
- 133. - Pussy patrol.
- 134. - Phones, money.
- Dude, not again, come on.
- 135. - Phone.
- I don't have one.
- 136. - Someone else jacked it last week.
- 137. - Give me the bag.
- It's just comics.
- 138. Yo, you want to get cut?
- 139. Look at this asshole just watching.
- 140. Come on, be honest with yourself.
- 141. Would you do anything differently?
- 142. We see someone in trouble
and we wish we could help,
- 143. but we don't.
- 144. The world I lived in,
heroes only existed in comic books.
- 145. And I guess that would have been okay
if bad guys were make-believe, too.
- 146. But they're not.
- 147. Frankie, I'm telling you, man,
I swear I'm not making this up.
- 148. This fucking guy comes out of nowhere,
kicks our asses,
- 149. and steals all the coke.
- 150. This would be the guy
that looks like Batman?
- 151. I didn't say he looked like Batman.
- 152. You did, Tre.
You said the guy looked like Batman.
- 153. - He said like a mask and stuff.
- And a cape.
- 154. - Yeah, like Batman.
- I didn't say "Like Batman."
- 155. I never said "Batman."
- 156. Okay.
- 157. Let me tell you the problem
I got with that, Tre.
- 158. Our mole with the Russians
tells things a little different.
- 159. According to him, you sold him my coke
and you took the money.
- 160. That's a fucking lie!
- 161. I can't believe that you would believe
this shit from a fucking Russian, man!
- 162. Let me see, Tre.
Hey, what's more likely, huh?
- 163. That you're a greedy little cocksucker
or all my coke was stolen by Superman?
- 164. - Batman.
- I never said Batman!
- 165. Enough!
- 166. Now my son is waiting out there
in the car to go to the movies,
- 167. and I ain't gonna disappoint him.
- 168. Joe, you're in charge.
- 169. - Frank... Frankie!
- That's gotta be the worst fucking excuse
- 170. I ever heard, Tre.
- 171. - Sorry you had to wait, buddy.
- The movie is starting in 10 minutes.
- 172. It's okay. We're cool.
We're only gonna miss the trailers.
- 173. Yeah. But I want to get some popcorn.
- 174. When we get in there,
get Chris some popcorn.
- 175. - Okay?
- You fucking motherfuckers!
- 176. What do you want to drink?
You want a Pepsi?
- 177. - Yeah, that's fine.
- Get him a Pepsi, and I'll have an Icee.
- 178. Mixed.
- 179. Like when they mix
the red one and the blue one.
- 180. And a pack of Twizzlers.
- 181. The comic books had it wrong.
- 182. It didn't take a trauma or cosmic rays
or a power ring to make a superhero.
- 183. Just the perfect combination
of optimism and naivety.
- 184. You are fucking awesome.
- 185. Come on then, bring it on!
- 186. Daddy, I'm scared.
- 187. Come on, Mindy, honey.
- 188. Be a big girl now.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
- 189. - Is it gonna hurt bad?
- Oh, child.
- 190. Only for a second, sugar.
- 191. A handgun bullet travels at... More than?
- 192. - 700 miles an hour.
- 700 miles an hour.
- 193. So at close range like this, the force
is gonna take you off your feet for sure,
- 194. but it's really no more painful
than a punch in the chest.
- 195. I hate getting punched in the chest.
- 196. You're gonna be fine, baby doll.
- 197. How was that? Not so bad.
- 198. Kind of fun, huh?
Now you know how it feels.
- 199. You won't be scared
when some junkie asshole pulls a Glock.
- 200. - I wouldn't have been scared anyways.
- That's my girl.
- 201. All right, up you get. Come on.
Two more rounds and then home.
- 202. Again?
- 203. Look, only if we can go
by the bowling alley on the way back.
- 204. The bowling alley?
- 205. Yeah. And ice cream after.
- 206. Okay. Two more rounds.
- 207. No wincing, no whining,
and you got yourself a deal, young lady.
- 208. Yeah! I'm gonna get a hot fudge sundae.
- 209. Good call, baby doll.
- 210. So, have you thought a little more about
what you might want for your birthday?
- 211. Can I get a puppy?
- 212. You wanna get a dog?
- 213. Yeah, a cuddly, fluffy one.
- 214. And a Bratz Movie Star Makeover Sasha.
- 215. I'm just fucking with you, Daddy.
- 216. Look, I'd love
a Benchmade Model 42 butterfly knife.
- 217. Oh, child.
- 218. You always knock me for a loop.
- 219. - You know what?
- 220. - I'm gonna get you two.
- 221. One balisong. Two balisong.
That's what you get.
- 222. "The glass of fashion and the mold of form
- 223. "The observed of all observers
quite, quite down!
- 224. "And I, of ladies
most deject and wretched..."
- 225. I'll be honest,
- 226. there wasn't a whole lot
of crime-fighting in those first few weeks.
- 227. But even so,
my new vocation kept me plenty busy.
- 228. Shit.
- 229. I called it preparation.
- 230. But if you called it fantasizing,
it would have been hard to argue.
- 231. All I knew was
I'd never felt so good about myself.
- 232. Fuck!
- 233. Okay, maybe I was still
in the beta-testing phase,
- 234. but it was a start.
- 235. What the fuck are you looking at?
- 236. - Nothing.
- Get the fuck out of here.
- 237. Like every serial killer already knew,
- 238. eventually, fantasizing
just doesn't do it for you anymore.
- 239. It was time to engage.
- 240. Hurry up, man.
- 241. What the fuck?
- 242. What the fuck you looking at?
- 243. I said, what the fuck are you looking at?
- 244. Two cheap-shit losers screwing with a car
- 245. that someone probably
worked their ass off to pay for.
- 246. - Say what?
- Leave it be, man.
- 247. This motherfucker is obviously high.
- 248. I'm not high.
- 249. I just think it sucks
you guys think you can do what you want.
- 250. Just walk away from the car
and we can forget about this.
- 251. You're crazy, man.
- 252. Fuck this shit.
- 253. - Shit!
- Let's get out of here!
- 254. I came around forjust long enough
to beg the medic
- 255. not to tell anybody about the costume.
- 256. He promised he wouldn't.
- 257. All I knew was my dad was gonna kill me.
- 258. Why can't I have a gun?
I'm a security guard.
- 259. You're a doorman now.
You don't get a gun no more.
- 260. Look at me. I look like a putz.
- 261. You look sharp. Look at all them buttons.
Do yourjob. Open the fucking door.
- 262. Have a nice day.
- 263. - Good morning, Frank.
- Hey, Joe, how you doing?
- 264. - Great.
- Want some coffee?
- 265. Maybe later. Morning, Ange.
- 266. - Good morning.
- 267. Good morning, Joe.
- 268. Frank, we got a thing.
- 269. It's a big thing, Frank.
- 270. Okay.
- 271. Sorry, hon.
- 272. Do what you got to do.
- 273. Chris, where do you think you're going?
- 274. - I got to talk to Dad.
- 275. Frank, honey!
- 276. Where do you think you're going?
- 277. I don't...
I don't mind you talking business, Dad.
- 278. I was just gonna sit in there quietly.
- 279. I mean, I should probably
start learning this stuff anyway, right?
- 280. Hey, go finish your oatmeal.
- 281. God damn it! I'm gonna be 18
in eight months, for Christ's sakes.
- 282. Fuck.
- 283. Take a seat.
- 284. - So what's the problem?
- Our Russian says that Tre just sold him
- 285. another five keys at half price.
- 286. Which Tre? Tre Tre?
- 287. Right. Dead Tre.
- 288. So now I'm getting fucked
in the ass by a ghost?
- 289. Or Tre was telling the truth.
- 290. What, this is my choice,
I gotta believe in ghosts or superheroes?
- 291. Well, not the part about
the superhero, Frankie,
- 292. but just that he might have
really been gaffled by somebody.
- 293. I think we'd better invite
our Russian over for a friendly chat,
- 294. see what's really going on.
- 295. Hey, early birdie.
- 296. You beat me to it.
I wanted to get you breakfast this morning.
- 297. Happy birthday, sweetheart.
- 298. Check this out.
- 299. Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!
- 300. Oh, my gosh.
- 301. Dad.
- 302. Wow.
- 303. Watch, Dad.
- 304. Okay, pop quiz.
- 305. What's the proper name for one of those?
- 306. Easy, balisong. It's Filipino.
Ask me another.
- 307. Excellent, good.
- 308. The AR-15 was a lighter,
smaller caliber version of what design?
- 309. Eugene Stoner's AR-10.
Now give me a hard one.
- 310. The name of
- 311. John Woo's first full-length feature?
- 312. Tie han rou qing, The Young Dragons.
- 313. Daddy, look.
- 314. Hey, come on, you're not looking.
- 315. The point is,
some fucker is killing our guys.
- 316. Until we find out who that is,
I don't wanna see
- 317. any of you bitches sitting around
on your asses, all right?
- 318. What the fuck do you...
- 319. Hello?
- 320. Hey, Joe, yeah.
- 321. No, he's just training right now.
- 322. One second.
- 323. Dad, phone!
- 324. - Dad, the phone's for you.
- Who is it?
- 325. It's Joe.
- 326. - What's the problem?
- Yeah, Frank,
- 327. turns out we ain't got
the vise here no more.
- 328. Really?
- 329. But we do got
a brand-new industrial microwave.
- 330. They use it for treating the lumber.
- 331. Well, that is neat.
- 332. I think you must be confusing me
- 333. who gives a shit about the fucking lumber!
- 334. Yeah, okay, all right, Frank.
All right, I'm sorry.
- 335. - I'm sorry, okay?
get the information.
- 336. All right, okay!
- 337. All right, come on. Go ahead.
- 338. Hey, look, the guys tell me
he's Tre Fernandez. What do I know?
- 339. - Shut up.
- Now you say Fernandez is dead.
- 340. - Get inside. Shut up!
- Okay, no, he lied!
- 341. - He lie about...
- Fucking mamaluke.
- 342. He lied!
- 343. Does this work like
a regular microwave or what?
- 344. Fuck do I know? We're not making
a fucking Hungry-Man dinner here.
- 345. Just turn it on.
- 346. Here we go.
- 347. Okay, I wanna know who sold you our coke.
- 348. And don't tell me somebody
who's dead this time.
- 349. Can he hear you?
I don't think he can hear you.
- 350. I said, who really sold you our coke?
- 351. Who
- 352. sold you
- 353. our coke?
- 354. Shit. Shit.
- 355. This is awesome!
I look like fricking Wolverine.
- 356. They still have
that metal detector at your school?
- 357. Yeah, it's gonna have a meltdown.
- 358. Dave, I need to ask you something.
- 359. Okay.
- 360. The police report,
- 361. they found you naked.
- 362. You said you didn't remember why.
- 363. The muggers, they didn't...
- 364. What?
- 365. No! Jesus.
- 366. No, I... I wasn't even...
- 367. In the ambulance,
they threw my clothes away
- 368. - 'cause of the blood.
- 369. Okay, okay.
- 370. Dad. Dad.
- 371. Seemed like no time at all
before I was back on my feet.
- 372. - Dave's what?
- Not now.
- 373. Apart from some messed up nerve endings,
- 374. the doctors had managed
to fix me up pretty good.
- 375. - Did you feel that?
- 376. You're like fucking Jason Bourne
or something, man. That owns.
- 377. - How about that?
- No, Marty!
- 378. Give it a fucking rest, man.
- 379. I've only been back half a day,
- 380. and you're already
making me miss the hospital.
- 381. He's right. I'm sorry.
I'm acting totally childish.
- 382. - Stop with the fork.
- I apologize.
- 383. Hey.
- 384. Dave, hey.
- 385. Hey.
- 386. How are you? You look better.
- 387. I'm good. Yeah, much better.
- 388. Hey, you're into comic books, aren't you?
- 389. Well, me and Erika
sometimes hang out after school
- 390. at this really great store Atomic Comics.
- 391. They make the best
white chocolate mocha latte.
- 392. Yeah?
- 393. Well, I could buy you one sometime
if you, you know, like,
- 394. need someone to talk to.
- 395. Sure. Thank you.
- 396. Okay, sweet. Well, I'll see you later.
- 397. - Man, did you see that?
- 398. Katie Deauxma
just offered to buy me coffee.
- 399. Yeah. You know,
I really don't think that's what it looks like.
- 400. - What are you talking about?
- The point is,
- 401. Katie Deauxma's all about the lame ducks.
- 402. What's this got to do with me?
- 403. I've been trying to figure out
how to tell you this.
- 404. - There's a rumor going around...
- 405. that you...
- 406. are gay.
- 407. What kind of rumor is that?
- 408. Well, you know, I mean, getting mugged...
- 409. - You guys have been mugged!
- Yeah, I know, but,
- 410. you know, we didn't get beat up
and have all our clothes taken off.
- 411. That's not even true.
The medic threw my clothes away.
- 412. You know, don't worry about it.
Rumors don't mean shit.
- 413. - We know the truth. Yeah.
- 414. And who knows, buddy,
this might even get you laid.
- 415. No, not if she thinks he's gay, Todd.
You fucking retard.
- 416. Thanks, Marty,
this is really fucking helping me.
- 417. I'm just being honest!
- 418. I was getting back to my old self.
- 419. I should have quit, of course,
but you can't just reprogram yourself.
- 420. What you want, who you are,
your purpose in life.
- 421. No, I'm just standing around, you know.
- 422. No, I'm not!
- 423. It is what it is.
- 424. How about that, huh?
- 425. Yeah. Didn't see that, did you?
- 426. I think it's best that you just walk away.
- 427. Well, maybe you shouldn't do that.
- 428. What? Are you looking at me?
Well, this is my business.
- 429. Me? My hardware was fixed now.
- 430. I was back and running
Kick-Ass version 2.0.
- 431. Excuse me, have you seen this cat?
- 432. - No.
- No? Okay, thank you.
- 433. Excuse me, ma'am. Have you seen this cat?
- 434. I'm sorry. Did you see this cat?
- 435. No? Okay.
- 436. Oh, great.
- 437. Here, kitty. Here, Mr. Bitey.
- 438. Come on... No, no, no, no, no!
- 439. No, no, no. Mr. Bitey, come on.
- 440. Back here, come on.
Let's get you home. Come on.
- 441. Fuck you, Mr. Bitey!
- 442. - Oh, God, I'm so sorry, man.
- You fucking green...
- 443. Get up. Get him up.
- 444. - Get up.
- Thanks, freak.
- 445. - Hey, leave him alone!
- Fuck off, man. It's none of your business!
- 446. Yes, it is.
- 447. Hey! Call 911!
- 448. Hey, there's a dude
dressed like a superhero out there
- 449. fighting a bunch of guys.
- 450. It's fucking awesome!
- 451. Leave him alone!
- 452. Give it up, man. Just walk away.
- 453. No. Never.
- 454. What the fuck is wrong with you, man?
- 455. You'd rather die for some piece of shit
that you don't even fucking know?
- 456. And three assholes
- 457. laying into one guy
while everybody else watches,
- 458. and you want to know
what's wrong with me?
- 459. Yeah, I'd rather die.
- 460. So bring it on!
- 461. You're fucking crazy, kid.
- 462. Fuck.
- 463. Thank you.
- 464. What?
- 465. Thank you.
- 466. That fucking rocked. Who are you?
- 467. I'm Kick-Ass.
- 468. - Dude, you gotta check this shit out.
- What is it?
- 469. on the latest corruption scandal.
And coming up after the hour,
- 470. a costumed vigilante
has become the latest Internet phenomenon
- 471. after a Hamilton Park resident
filmed the man's remarkable intervention
- 472. in a gang-related attack last week.
- 473. - This is awesome.
- Fuck, yeah.
- 474. Welcome to this special edition
of Eye on New York.
- 475. How far would you go
to help your fellow man?
- 476. This colorful individual
has been all over the news this week
- 477. after a video of his intervention
of street-gang violence
- 478. became the most-watched clip
on the Internet.
- 479. Three assholes laying into one guy while...
- 480. My MySpace, 38 friends.
Kick-Ass's MySpace, 16,000 and counting.
- 481. This thing was going crazy,
and I was loving it.
- 482. And finally,
we want to know who is this man?
- 483. Does anyone have any idea
who this wetsuit crusader is?
- 484. He must be someone's son,
- 485. - someone's next-door neighbor.
- Holy shit.
- 486. - Have you seen him?
- What happened?
- 487. What happened? This guy happened.
- 488. It's a great day for America, everybody.
- 489. Yeah, everybody's favorite superhero
right now, Kick-Ass, right?
- 490. Kick-Ass! Yeah!
- 491. I like Kick-Ass! His costume is crappy.
- 492. He looks like a transvestite...
- 493. You know what? Everyone likes Kick-Ass.
- 494. Did you see the clip?
He was actually pretty good.
- 495. Good at getting his ass kicked.
- 496. He should call himselfAss-Kick instead.
- 497. That doesn't even make sense.
- 498. transvestite that is Kick-Ass
will take you down, I say!
- 499. That guy's gonna end up dead,
that's what I think.
- 500. Are you serious? The guy owns.
- 501. I'd e-mail his site
if I had a problem worth fixing.
- 502. What? Are you kidding me?
I got 100 guys who can fix a problem,
- 503. you'd hire some putz in pantyhose?
- 504. Well, I wouldn't wanna get in the way
of your business, where I'm not wanted.
- 505. Please, I know
you have mistaken me for Kick-Ass,
- 506. but I am not Kick-Ass.
- 507. - You don't actually read comics?
- Yeah, I just started.
- 508. I got recommended some.
- 509. Like Scott Pilgrim and Shojo Beat,
that kind of thing.
- 510. I'm not really into
the whole superhero thing, though.
- 511. So I guess you're not gonna line up
for that new Kick-Ass comic then?
- 512. I guess not.
- 513. But you know what?
I was seriously thinking of mailing his site.
- 514. I mean, I could really use some help
from a guy like that right now.
- 515. Help? Really? What with?
- 516. You know I volunteer
at the needle exchange.
- 517. No, I didn't.
- 518. Well, there's this one guy Rasul,
and I felt so sorry for him.
- 519. And the more I found out
about his upbringing and stuff, I just...
- 520. Wow, that's weird.
I'm usually the one playing therapist.
- 521. Can I make a confession?
- 522. Ever since I was little,
I've always wanted a friend
- 523. like you.
- 524. - Is it okay to say that?
- 525. I mean, that's not homophobic, is it?
- 526. I mean, I don't think
you're all the same or anything.
- 527. - Of course not, no.
- Thank you.
- 528. I don't know if I was everything Katie
had always dreamed her gay BFF would be,
- 529. but I tried my best.
- 530. But more importantly,
I talked her into mailing Kick-Ass.
- 531. Long story short,
this particular lame duck of hers
- 532. turned out to be more of a lame cobra.
- 533. She didn't want the money back
that she'd given him
- 534. or an apology for the black eye
he'd given her.
- 535. She just wanted him
to get that they were through
- 536. and leave her alone.
- 537. And let's be real, no other request
could have given me more pleasure.
- 538. Who the fuck are you supposed to be,
the Green Condom?
- 539. You know it ain't Halloween
for another few months, kid?
- 540. I'm here to see Rasul.
- 541. Who the fuck are you?
- 542. I'm... I'm a friend of Katie's.
- 543. Kids nowadays in their tights.
- 544. So, which one of you guys is Rasul?
- 545. I'm Rasul. Can't you tell by my big titties?
- 546. What is this? Trick or treat or something?
- 547. Fuck! Now I'm dead.
- 548. I have a message for Rasul
about Katie Deauxma.
- 549. - Katie?
- You're Rasul?
- 550. Okay. You gotta stay away from Katie now.
- 551. So if you just leave her alone,
everything will be fine.
- 552. What?
- 553. Yo, kid, who the hell are you?
And what is this?
- 554. I'm Kick-Ass. Look me up.
- 555. And this is me giving you a message.
- 556. Leave Katie alone.
- 557. Or what?
- 558. Or I'll come back
- 559. and break your fucking legs.
- 560. I'm right here now, baby. What's up?
- 561. Oh, fuck!
- 562. Hold him.
- 563. You are so fucking dead, man.
- 564. Okay, you cunts,
let's see what you can do now.
- 565. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.
- 566. Oh, shit!
- 567. What the fuck?
- 568. Hey, I got one of those.
- 569. Come on.
- 570. So you want to play.
- 571. What the fuck?
- 572. Dude, that is one gay-looking Taser.
- 573. Relax, we're on the same team.
- 574. - Hey, get up.
- 575. Now, Hit Girl,
we always keep our backs where?
- 576. To the wall, Daddy. I know.
- 577. It won't happen again.
- 578. - Nice shot, by the way.
- Thank you.
- 579. Let's go.
- 580. Hey, hey, asshole.
Can't use the front door now.
- 581. Wait, wait, wait!
- 582. What?
- 583. Who are you?
- 584. Me?
- 585. I'm Hit Girl.
- 586. And that's Big Daddy.
- 587. Come on.
- 588. Come on!
- 589. Hit Girl and Big Daddy,
they were the real deal.
- 590. Me?
- 591. I was just a stupid dick in a wetsuit.
- 592. What is this? What am I looking at here?
- 593. It was Sal's phone.
They found it in his hand.
- 594. He must have taken that
right before he died.
- 595. I know this sounds fucked up, Frankie,
but that guy in the picture,
- 596. I think it's that superhero nutjob
from the TV.
- 597. Who?
- 598. Kick-Ass?
- 599. One guy?
- 600. Hold on, you're telling me
one guy killed eight of my men tonight?
- 601. Eight at Sal's place, four at that kid Rasul's.
- 602. We have no merchandise
on the street at all?
- 603. Right.
- 604. - One guy?
- I think.
- 605. Man, if you're right, we're gonna look like
the biggest bunch of pussies in New York.
- 606. What do you want me to do?
- 607. I want Kick-Ass's fucking head
on a stick, and I want it now.
- 608. I didn't say anything to anyone, I swear.
- 609. Good move, Ass-Kick.
Let's keep it that way.
- 610. You know what this is?
- 611. It's all the cartridge crap that comes out
of your gay little Taser when you fire it.
- 612. You do know the police could have traced
this right back to you if they'd found it?
- 613. But lucky for you, I picked it up.
- 614. Thank you.
- 615. Let's call it insurance.
Makes it easier for us to take your word.
- 616. See, we like you, but we don't trust you.
- 617. Don't take it personal, though.
We don't trust anybody.
- 618. I rerouted your IP address.
Finding you was way too easy.
- 619. Shit. Shit, I hadn't thought...
- 620. My God, I... I owe you.
- 621. You know what? I'm thinking of
just shutting my site down anyway.
- 622. Quitting. I mean, this is...
- 623. It's fucking insane. I'm in way over my head.
- 624. It's a shame. You have potential.
- 625. Your call,
but you know we're around if you need us.
- 626. How do I get a hold of you?
- 627. You just contact the mayor's office.
He has a special signal he shines in the sky.
- 628. It's in the shape of a giant cock.
- 629. You need us, put on your website
that you're on vacation.
- 630. We'll find you.
Hit Girl, back to headquarters.
- 631. Sweet dreams.
- 632. I need you to get rid of Kick-Ass.
- 633. - Yo. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's up?
- What's up?
- 634. Kick-Ass is killing my men, Gigante,
that's what's up.
- 635. My condolences, Frank.
- 636. But I'm afraid
I can't help you out on this one.
- 637. Little bit outside my jurisdiction.
- 638. Outside yourjurisdiction?
- 639. You're a fucking cop,
and he's breaking the law.
- 640. That's so inside yourjurisdiction,
it's ball-deep in yourjurisdiction's ass.
- 641. Listen, cops pay me to nail the bad guys,
you pay me not to.
- 642. Everything else is in the gray area.
- 643. Yeah. Fuck you very much, Vic.
Just do it, okay?
- 644. Un-fucking-believable.
- 645. Where's Cody? He's late.
- 646. Thank you, Cody.
We appreciate your co-operation.
- 647. Let me out now?
I gave you all them names and addresses.
- 648. Hey, I won't say nothing to nobody.
- 649. You and your crazy midget friend
can go bash whoever you want...
- 650. Hey, come on.
Hey, I know some very bad people uptown,
- 651. really nasty individuals.
Let me go. Hey, come on!
- 652. Hey, don't do this!
You don't need to do this!
- 653. Come on. Oh, shit... Please!
- 654. Hey! God! No, please, please!
- 655. Come on, no, no!
- 656. What a douche.
- 657. You have done self tan before, right?
- 658. Yeah, like, I do it all the time.
- 659. Murder, superheroes
breaking into my bedroom,
- 660. my life had turned into some
fucked-up dream I couldn't wake up from.
- 661. Even the good parts were totally surreal.
- 662. Hey, I read those old
Ditko Spider-Mans you gave me.
- 663. They're actually pretty good.
- 664. Yeah, they are.
- 665. And it's been a whole week
since I've heard from Rasul.
- 666. That's great.
- 667. Once upon a time, there were
two supercops, called Daddy and Marcus,
- 668. who were very good at getting bad guys.
- 669. Frank D'Amico
was the baddest guy of them all,
- 670. and he came up with a plan
to get rid of Daddy.
- 671. Being framed as a drug dealer
was the worst possible thing
- 672. that could have happened to Daddy.
- 673. Prison was not his natural habitat.
- 674. He was very upset.
- 675. With Daddy in prison,
his pregnant wife was all alone
- 676. and could not cope.
- 677. But all clouds have a silver lining,
and out of her death,
- 678. Mindy was born!
- 679. Marcus became the child's guardian,
- 680. and Daddy started a plan of his very own.
- 681. Five years later, he left prison,
and he was ready.
- 682. Now, it was time for Mindy to get ready, too.
- 683. How'd you find me, Marcus?
- 684. One of us is still a cop, remember?
- 685. Is this how you brainwashed Mindy?
- 686. You say brainwashed.
I say made it into a game.
- 687. You call this playing, Damon?
- 688. Vigilante justice, mass murder.
Come on, partner.
- 689. So where is she?
- 690. - She's safe.
- Can I see her?
- 691. I miss her.
- 692. I miss you both.
- 693. I appreciate your concern.
But you need to go now.
- 694. I should warn you, that asshole Gigante
is looking for Kick-Ass.
- 695. He got something to do with you, Damon?
- 696. You started some kind of
fucked-up superhero club?
- 697. - Never heard of him.
- Okay, well, heads up, all right?
- 698. You keep carrying on
like you've been carrying on,
- 699. it's only a matter of time
before Gigante is looking for you.
- 700. He's been on Frank D'Amico's payroll
ever since you passed up the opportunity.
- 701. You know I'm not gonna stop.
- 702. Not until D'Amico
and his whole damn operation
- 703. are burnt to ashes and buried.
- 704. It ain't gonna bring her back, Damon.
- 705. This is not the life for Mindy.
- 706. You owe that kid a childhood.
- 707. I'll tell you who owes her a childhood!
- 708. Frank D'Amico!
- 709. Holy shit.
- 710. I don't fucking believe it.
- 711. Follow him, around the corner.
- 712. Not too fast.
- 713. What's with the high-fives?
- 714. I'll give you a motherfucking high-five.
- 715. High-fiving bullshit.
Keep going, keep going.
- 716. Not too close.
- 717. He's going in the alley.
- 718. Okay, when I tell you, stop the car. Ready?
- 719. Hey, Kick-Ass.
- 720. How you doing?
- 721. Kill my men, huh?
- 722. Take my fucking coke?
- 723. Whoa! Whoa! Boss, what are you doing?
- 724. - Boss, we gotta go, man. Come on, let's go.
- Fucking scumbag!
- 725. Frank, Frank, Frank, come on,
he's had enough. Come on.
- 726. He's had enough. Come on.
- 727. What the fuck are you looking at?
- 728. Frank.
- 729. Come on, come on,
come on, come on, let's go. We gotta go.
- 730. Shit. Come on, come on, get in.
- 731. He was so young.
No one should have to die that way.
- 732. I mean, I just can't believe he's dead,
- 733. I know. But, Katie,
- 734. guys like Rasul, they get mixed up in stuff...
- 735. No, I know, I know.
But what if it was my fault?
- 736. What if Kick-Ass did it?
- 737. I mean, I feel like
I should call the cops or something.
- 738. What? You're talking crazy.
- 739. There's no way. He probably
didn't even read your e-mail yet.
- 740. - Yeah.
- You've got nothing to worry about.
- 741. I'm so glad you're here.
- 742. I was such a mess.
- 743. That's okay.
- 744. - No problem.
- You're the best.
- 745. I hope it's okay to say this, but...
It so sucks that you're gay.
- 746. I don't fucking believe this.
- 747. What kind of
children's enter-fucking-tainer is that?
- 748. What kind of kid has a... A Spider-Man
party, sure, but a fucking Kick-Ass party?
- 749. What, are they selling paper plates
and napkins down at the store now?
- 750. Frank, you're scaring me. You're losing it.
- 751. Since when did you start getting
your hands dirty again? And in public!
- 752. Since when I ask you fucks
to deliver me Kick-Ass,
- 753. - and you don't deliver, that's when.
- Give me a break. It's been a week.
- 754. We e-mailed him. We got half the crew out
doing petty crimes as bait.
- 755. We're busting our asses here.
- 756. What the hell are you doing?
- 757. You're back on the powder now, as well?
- 758. "Mommy, I want a Kick-Ass party."
Dumb little fucks.
- 759. - I know a way you can get him.
- 760. Chris, how long you been there?
- 761. What the hell are you doing?
Get the hell out.
- 762. Do you want to hear it or not?
- 763. - Hear what?
- Okay, look,
- 764. you're a superhero and you're lonely,
but you can't trust anyone
- 765. 'cause either
they'll expose your secret identity...
- 766. Comic books this kid reads
all fucking day long.
- 767. The point is there's only one way
a superhero can trust a stranger.
- 768. And I can be that stranger.
You just gotta give me a chance.
- 769. I know I can do it. I just need a few things.
- 770. Like what?
- 771. I need these things.
- 772. What, are you fucking kidding me?
What the hell is this?
- 773. It's everything I need.
- 774. And you might have to screw
someone over, like Louie, or something.
- 775. - Louie? Hey, Chris.
- Or somebody. It doesn't have to be Louie.
- 776. - Tony!
- 777. - Tony?
- I hate Tony.
- 778. Yeah, fuck Tony. He's a scumbag.
- 779. I swear, Dad, if you let me do this,
it's gonna work.
- 780. Tony.
- 781. Tony Romita, one of America's
most-wanted crime kingpins,
- 782. was arrested in Queens today
- 783. after a 911 call from someone
claiming to be a superhero...
- 784. So, how are things going with Katie?
- 785. Just peachy.
- 786. We had a sleepover
and spent the whole night
- 787. watching the entire Ugly Betty box set
and did pedicures.
- 788. I'm telling you, the longer you wait,
the worse it's gonna get.
- 789. I know. I was gonna tell her.
It's just, she seems so happy.
- 790. - I don't know when's the right time.
- Now's your chance.
- 791. - She didn't see that, did she?
- Hey, guys.
- 792. - Hi!
- Hi, sweetie.
- 793. Did you watch the TV?
The new superhero guy?
- 794. - How cool is that?
- 795. - Hey, look.
- Could you turn it up, please?
- 796. - Check this out.
dressed as Kick-Ass.
- 797. But it seems that far from being put off,
this individual, who calls himself Red Mist,
- 798. has decided to take
crime-fighting to a new level,
- 799. as his actions last night proved.
Red Mist, how do you see it?
- 800. Well, I guess folks have just
had enough of living in fear, you know,
- 801. and Kick-Ass really proved that
one individual can make a difference.
- 802. So if anyone out there needs help,
I'll be fighting crime 25/8.
- 803. And I'm just one click away. Redmist. Org.
- 804. Can we turn that off now?
What's so special about that guy?
- 805. He caught, like, a drug dealer,
some most-wanted guy.
- 806. You saw him bringing out
like a ton of stuff.
- 807. That's pretty cool.
- 808. He's got a way better costume
than Kick-Ass, too.
- 809. - He's got a cape.
- 810. - Capes rock.
- Yeah, I'm kind of feeling the cape.
- 811. He looks good.
- 812. What, better than Kick-Ass?
- 813. I mean, they're both kind of hot.
I just think Red Mist has a better body.
- 814. Don't you think, Dave?
- 815. Yeah, Dave, what do you think?
- 816. Is he the kind of guy you'd go for,
with all that leather?
- 817. No, Marty. No, he's not really my type.
- 818. Kick-Ass!
- 819. Red Mist.
- 820. Shit! Fuck me, that kind of hurt.
- 821. - Are you okay?
- Yeah, no, I'm cool.
- 822. I can't believe you're here, man.
Like, you're my hero.
- 823. You inspired me. No Kick-Ass, no Red Mist.
- 824. - Seriously.
- 825. - Hey, really?
- Straight up. And listen, if you...
- 826. I don't know, if you wanted me
to be your sidekick or something...
- 827. You wanna be my sidekick?
- 828. Yeah, man!
You and me together, we would own!
- 829. You wanna go fight some crime?
- 830. What you mean, like, right now?
- 831. Yeah, man, come on.
I got something I wanna show you.
- 832. I mean, like, to be honest with you,
- 833. I only ever fight crime
between like 9:00 and 2:00, weekdays.
- 834. So I'm gonna need to get back pretty soon.
- 835. Sweet!
- 836. - Is that yours?
- Meet the Mist Mobile.
- 837. SatNav. Got my iPhone,
so I can check the websites
- 838. for emergencies when I'm driving around.
- 839. Got a little bit of mood lighting right there.
- 840. Rearview camera, no big deal.
- 841. Check this, you're gonna fucking love this.
- 842. The mist.
- 843. Hey.
- 844. That's right, we're superheroes.
You love us.
- 845. - Smoke?
- 846. I feel a little weed takes the edge off things
when I'm on patrol, you know?
- 847. Going up against a crowd
can get kind of scary, don't you think?
- 848. Something wrong?
- 849. Yeah. You're so not how I expected.
- 850. I got this e-mail from this chick.
- 851. She said this guy's
been following her home from work.
- 852. I got her address and stuff.
You wanna check it out?
- 853. - Sure, why not?
- 854. So we're sitting there totally naked, right?
- 855. I told her, "Sit on my lap, we'll talk about
the first thing that comes up."
- 856. - Yeah?
- Just got the text. He's on his way.
- 857. He did very good.
- 858. - Don't kill him till I get there.
- 859. Looks like reading all them comics
paid off, huh?
- 860. Your boy did good, Frankie.
- 861. He's his father's son.
- 862. I forgot.
- 863. What the fuck?
- 864. Shit.
- 865. - Hey, what are you doing?
- There are people in there.
- 866. Yeah. Shouldn't we call the fire...
- 867. Shit!
- 868. Mikey.
- 869. Fuck.
- 870. - Shit. Fuck.
- Red Mist!
- 871. Red Mist! Red Mist!
- 872. Hey. Hey, man, can you hear me? Hey.
- 873. Jesus Christ!
- 874. Red Mist! Red Mist!
- 875. Where the fuck are you?
- 876. We gotta get the hell out of here.
Dude, move your fucking ass!
- 877. Holy shit!
- 878. - Did you see those bodies?
- Yeah, man.
- 879. - Why'd you save the teddy?
- 880. I don't know, man. Come on.
- 881. Come.
- 882. What the hell are you doing, Frank?
- 883. You know I can't be here.
What if somebody saw...
- 884. That motherfucker Kick-Ass
burnt down my warehouse
- 885. and killed my men, Gigante.
- 886. Wait, wait, wait. Slow down. Kick-Ass?
- 887. - Are you sure?
- You gotta help me, Vic.
- 888. My son was there, and he's still missing.
- 889. They're all dead!
Everybody in the warehouse is dead.
- 890. Put the gun down, Vic. It's Chris.
- 891. Chris is Red Mist?
- 892. It's not Red Mist you gotta worry about.
- 893. No, no, no, it's not.
Kick-Ass is just some geek, Dad.
- 894. You don't have to worry about him.
You need to watch this.
- 895. - Why, what does it do?
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- 896. - What?
- God damn it, just sit down.
- 897. What are you doing?
What the hell is that thing?
- 898. You bought this to spy on the nanny
when I was a kid. Don't you remember?
- 899. - What, and you put it in the warehouse?
- Yeah, I thought it'd be cool
- 900. to put the unmasking of Kick-Ass
on the Internet, okay?
- 901. Watch.
- 902. I told her, "Sit on my lap, we'll talk about
the first thing that comes up."
- 903. - Yeah?
- Just got the text. He's on his way.
- 904. He did very good.
- 905. - Don't kill him till I get there.
- 906. Who the hell is this guy?
- 907. I don't know, Dad.
- 908. But Kick-Ass told me
we're not the only superheroes in town.
- 909. Maybe he knows who this guy is.
- 910. I want this place locked down.
- 911. Nobody comes in, nobody goes out.
- 912. Not until somebody finds this cocksucker
- 913. and pulls his fucking lungs out
through his ass.
- 914. Listen, they're on to you.
- 915. Do you hear me? They're on to you.
- 916. I thought they were looking for Kick-Ass.
- 917. Not anymore. Gigante just put on
a little movie-show for us.
- 918. Different superhero in a warehouse,
killing a whole bunch of D'Amico's guys.
- 919. I'm gonna take a wild guess that was you.
- 920. - I killed all the cameras.
- Apparently not.
- 921. Look, bro, you need to get ghost.
Hide yourself quick.
- 922. Appreciate it.
- 923. Mindy,
- 924. no more homework, baby doll.
- 925. It's time for Frank D'Amico to go bye-bye.
- 926. X- Men, the Fantastic Four,
right now, I envy the crap out of them.
- 927. Everything was out of control.
I didn't know what the hell to do.
- 928. You okay, buddy? You look tired.
Early night tonight, maybe?
- 929. And there was no one
I could talk to about it.
- 930. Dave? Hello?
- 931. Yeah, you bet I will.
- 932. I'd never felt more alone.
- 933. I'd always dreamed of being a superhero,
but this was a nightmare.
- 934. It was time to stop wearing
this stupid costume.
- 935. But there was one last thing I needed it for.
- 936. What's the difference between
Spider-Man and Peter Parker?
- 937. Spider-Man gets the girl.
- 938. Hey, I'm Kick-Ass.
- 939. I'm Kick-Ass. You mail me?
- 940. Wait...
- 941. Fuck! Fuck!
- 942. Fucking freak in a mask!
Get out of my house!
- 943. I'm not gonna hurt you, all right?
- 944. No, no, no! It's me, it's me!
- 945. All right?
I was only trying to surprise you. I'm...
- 946. - Dave? What the fuck are you doing?
- I'm sorry.
- 947. - Why are you dressed as Kick-Ass?
- Because I am Kick-Ass.
- 948. - What are you talking about?
- And I'm also not gay.
- 949. - Fuck!
- And I'm an idiot and a shit friend.
- 950. I lied to you, I know.
- 951. - Oh, my God.
- I know. If it makes you feel any better,
- 952. I don't think you can hate me any more
right now than I hate myself.
- 953. Please, I'm...
- 954. Look, I'm really, really sorry.
- 955. I've never met anyone who's as beautiful
and as kind and lovely as you.
- 956. You deserve better.
- 957. - Dave.
- 958. My mom has
the burglar alarm on downstairs,
- 959. so you should probably use the window.
- 960. Or...
- 961. Or you could just stay.
- 962. Stay?
- 963. What, like when we have a sleepover?
- 964. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.
- 965. Wow.
- 966. We gotta get over it,
- 967. on top of it, and then into it,
right in the middle of it.
- 968. Daddy, I think I found one.
- 969. It's perfect,
and they can deliver it in three days.
- 970. It's 300,000 bucks.
- 971. Can you think of anything else
you'd rather spend it on?
- 972. Oh, my gosh!
- 973. - That is cool.
- 974. Add to shopping cart.
- 975. Okay.
- 976. Out of Kick-Ass and Red Mist,
who do you think would win in a fight?
- 977. Why are they fighting? That seems stupid.
- 978. - What do you think?
- I don't know, but I think Kick-Ass is cuter.
- 979. Really?
- 980. I, for one, would definitely
fuck his brains out if I got the chance.
- 981. You would?
- 982. Definitely.
- 983. Do you feel like checking out
that new Kate Hudson movie
- 984. where she's like a shoe designer,
can't get a guy?
- 985. - I think we could make the next showing.
- Hell, yeah.
- 986. I guess we're not invited.
- 987. All right. You know what? Come here.
- 988. I'm going to convert you
to a comics reader right now.
- 989. Suddenly, I understood why
superheroes only existed in comic books.
- 990. I got why people didn't risk their lives
- 991. Because for the first time in my life,
- 992. I had something worth living for,
- 993. something to lose.
- 994. Katie worried about me getting hurt,
- 995. so I promised her
my Kick-Ass days were over.
- 996. And the truth was I hardly missed it at all.
- 997. I hadn't even checked
the website for, like, a week.
- 998. Okay, I'm off then.
- 999. - No Katie tonight?
- 1000. Wednesdays, she's got
one of those volunteer things.
- 1001. You seem like a different guy,
you know that?
- 1002. Your mom would have been so happy
to see you out of your shell like this.
- 1003. Have a good night.
- 1004. - Hey, baby.
- Hey, what's going on?
- 1005. I gotta do a Kick-Ass thing.
- 1006. What? I thought you were done with that.
- 1007. This is the last time. I totally swear.
- 1008. I worry about you.
- 1009. Well, I wish you wouldn't worry.
- 1010. I can't help it. I do because I...
- 1011. I care about you a lot.
- 1012. I care about you a lot, too.
- 1013. This better be pretty serious, dude,
- 1014. 'cause I promised my girlfriend
that I'm done with all this shit.
- 1015. How about both of us being dead?
Is that serious enough for you?
- 1016. Dead? How?
- 1017. It turns out
those dead guys from the warehouse
- 1018. had some bad motherfuckers for friends,
and they think we did that shit.
- 1019. There's a price on our heads, man.
- 1020. A price on our heads?
What is this, the Wild West?
- 1021. I'm not messing with you, dude.
They found out where I lived.
- 1022. They trashed my place. I'm fucking screwed.
- 1023. - And you're gonna be next, okay?
- 1024. Shit.
- 1025. What do we do?
- 1026. Remember you mentioned
that there are other superheroes?
- 1027. Yeah?
- 1028. Well, do you think they can help us?
- 1029. Hot chocolate, extra marshmallows.
- 1030. Man, that looks even cooler
than it did in the picture.
- 1031. Child, you know, that's because
in the picture, it didn't have Gatling guns.
- 1032. Nice job.
- 1033. I'm gonna take mine to bed, okay?
- 1034. Okay, baby doll. Sleep tight.
- 1035. Thanks. Kick-Ass?
- 1036. You go get dressed.
I'll tell him to meet us at Safe House B.
- 1037. We'll have our hot chocolate
when we get back.
- 1038. - Okay, Daddy.
- Come on.
- 1039. - There you go.
- All right.
- 1040. - Do you know where that is?
- No, but I'll just put it in the GPS.
- 1041. - It's what it's for.
- All right, let's go.
- 1042. Shit.
- 1043. Okay, okay, okay.
- 1044. Well, here you are and Red Mist, too.
- 1045. - Pleasure to meet you.
- Good to meet you, sir.
- 1046. Please, come in.
- 1047. After you.
- 1048. Hit Girl, manners, honey.
- 1049. Hi, I'm Hit Girl.
- 1050. No!
- 1051. Your ass is mine! Come on.
- 1052. No, he's with me. He's okay.
- 1053. Shut the fuck up, kid.
Your daddy's the boss. You go home.
- 1054. Are you shitting me? No, he's fine.
He's with me.
- 1055. - Let him go.
- Get out of here. Get the fuck out of here.
- 1056. Hot damn. I always wanted one of these.
- 1057. - You're seriously gonna take that?
- 1058. Come on, sweet cheeks.
- 1059. If you don't get your
wannabe superhero ass in the car...
- 1060. - That's funny.
you're gonna have a lot of trouble
- 1061. - on your hands.
- That's really funny. You're so fired.
- 1062. - Kick-Ass...
- Get him out of here. Get him out of here.
- 1063. - Get him in the van.
- Let go of me. Put me down.
- 1064. Kick-Ass, I'm sorry!
- 1065. - Get in the car.
- Get in there!
- 1066. You better fire this asshole.
- 1067. Ignore him...
- 1068. A bazooka?
- 1069. - Okay.
- We had a deal, Dad.
- 1070. We had a fucking deal
that I would get you the guy who did it,
- 1071. and all I'm asking is you let Kick-Ass go.
He didn't do anything wrong.
- 1072. Chris, you got to look at this
from my point of view. Okay?
- 1073. I gotta send a public service message
to the people out there
- 1074. that being a superhero
is bad for your health.
- 1075. And the Big motherfucker?
Nobody knows who he is.
- 1076. - Yeah, but that's not fair!
- Yeah, life's not fair, kid. Get over it.
- 1077. What are you gonna do to them?
- 1078. You really wanna be a part of my business?
- 1079. Yeah.
- 1080. Then sit down, shut up and watch.
- 1081. Frank, we're ready. Enjoy the show.
- 1082. - Are you controlling this right now?
- I sure am.
- 1083. Big Brother, watch and learn.
- 1084. Welcome back. Breaking News.
- 1085. A worldwide web broadcast
of the New York superhero
- 1086. who calls himself Kick-Ass
is about to be shown live.
- 1087. Rumors have it that
this will be Kick-Ass's farewell appearance,
- 1088. that he will announce
his retirement from crime fighting.
- 1089. But as word of mouth continues to spread,
- 1090. Internet providers are predicting that
- 1091. it could be one of the most widely-viewed
live events in web history.
- 1092. Wait, where's Dave?
- 1093. There are no clues as yet
as to the exact nature...
- 1094. - Holy shit. Have you guys noticed...
- He's with Katie.
- 1095. - Obviously.
come to a standstill to watch.
- 1096. Why else would I be here?
- 1097. There's no idea as to who is behind
the broadcast of this show,
- 1098. but we could see
widespread server crashes...
- 1099. Dave, why didn't you tell me
this is what you were doing?
- 1100. You're on the news. Call me.
- 1101. We go now over live to the countdown
clock as we are moments away.
- 1102. Show time.
- 1103. Hello, boys and girls.
- 1104. Now, this...
- 1105. Well, you know who this guy is.
- 1106. And this guy here is Big Daddy.
- 1107. And these are my friends.
- 1108. Come on in, guys, say hello.
- 1109. Yeah, yeah, there they are. Hello, hello.
- 1110. Now Big Daddy and Kick-Ass
are gonna help us
- 1111. show you why being a hero is a bad idea.
- 1112. You know what a silent "K" is?
- 1113. That's when "K" is
at the beginning of the word,
- 1114. but you don't pronounce it.
Like in the word "Knuckleduster."
- 1115. Show them what
a knuckleduster can do, guy.
- 1116. That must have hurt!
Let's see that again from the other side.
- 1117. Go on. Yeah, I think it did.
- 1118. Now in France, they say the word "stick"
like this, bâton.
- 1119. We got some of Kick-Ass's bâtons.
- 1120. We're gonna show you what they can do.
Go ahead, boys.
- 1121. In America, we say "stick" like this.
- 1122. Which is very good
for hitting knees and stomachs.
- 1123. It's also good for hitting balls.
- 1124. Know what else we do?
We don't do them individually.
- 1125. We do them all together.
- 1126. Yeah. This looks very painful.
- 1127. Due to the distressing nature of the images,
we are unable to broadcast the events
- 1128. currently streaming live on the Internet.
- 1129. - Fuck.
- No. No, no, no.
- 1130. Despite initial speculation that this may be
some kind of hoax or publicity stunt,
- 1131. it is now clear that the hostages
are in genuine danger,
- 1132. that all signs point to the intention to stage
a live execution in the next few minutes.
- 1133. Even with my metal plates
and my fucked-up nerve endings,
- 1134. I got to tell you, that hurt.
- 1135. The kerosene.
- 1136. Yes, the silent killer.
- 1137. But not half as much as the idea
of leaving everything behind.
- 1138. Katie,
- 1139. my dad,
- 1140. Todd and Marty.
- 1141. And all the things I'd never do,
like learn to drive,
- 1142. or see what me and Katie's kids
would look like
- 1143. or find out what happened on Lost.
- 1144. Spicy, spicy.
- 1145. And if you're reassuring yourself
- 1146. that I'm gonna make it through this
since I'm talking to you now,
- 1147. quit being such a smartass.
- 1148. Hell, dude, you never seen Sin City,
Sunset Blvd., American Beauty?
- 1149. And this, for all you cavemen out there,
- 1150. is fire.
- 1151. No.
- 1152. I know.
- 1153. Fire. Fire is good.
- 1154. Fire is our friend.
- 1155. Yeah, yeah.
- 1156. Gentlemen,
- 1157. time to die.
- 1158. What the...
- 1159. What the fuck just happened? Hey, hey.
Somebody find the lights.
- 1160. Hello!
- 1161. Jimmy.
- 1162. Jesus Christ.
- 1163. Bobby? Bobby?
- 1164. Get the lighter!
- 1165. It's on the floor right over there.
Find the lighter.
- 1166. I got it.
- 1167. - No!
- Take cover, child.
- 1168. Now switch to Kryptonite.
- 1169. Kryptonite.
- 1170. Go to Robin's Revenge!
- 1171. Robin, Robin.
- 1172. Show's over, motherfuckers.
- 1173. Yeah! I think I'm in love with her, dude.
- 1174. She looks like
she's about 11 years old, but...
- 1175. I can wait!
I solemnly vow to save myself for her.
- 1176. That should be really difficult for you.
Are you okay?
- 1177. Yeah.
- 1178. Good job.
- 1179. I'm so proud of you, baby doll.
- 1180. Are you okay?
- 1181. But getting shot, Daddy,
it hurt a lot more than when you did it.
- 1182. That's 'cause I used
low velocity rounds, child.
- 1183. You're the kindest daddy
in the whole world.
- 1184. No, I just...
- 1185. I love you.
- 1186. I love you, too, Daddy.
- 1187. Sleep tight.
- 1188. What's your name?
- 1189. I mean your real name.
- 1190. A superhero never reveals his true identity.
- 1191. What? Look, you can't go on...
- 1192. However you lived before,
- 1193. it's over.
- 1194. Is there anybody else? Your family or...
- 1195. Look, I can take care of myself.
- 1196. I saved your sorry ass.
- 1197. What about money, huh?
All right, 'cause you got to think long term.
- 1198. I've got $3 million in a suitcase.
- 1199. That "long term" enough for you?
- 1200. It's not all about the money.
- 1201. I owe you.
- 1202. If it wasn't for you, I'd be dead.
- 1203. And if it wasn't for you,
- 1204. my dad wouldn't be.
- 1205. Look,
- 1206. pack up whatever you need
and we'll go back to my place.
- 1207. I just need to clean my...
- 1208. Just go.
- 1209. I meant like pajamas and clothes and stuff.
You can't take that stuff to my house.
- 1210. You know what my dad
really would have wanted?
- 1211. He would have wanted me
to finish what we started.
- 1212. And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
- 1213. Is this Frank D'Amico's place?
- 1214. All that security?
- 1215. - Are you crazy?
- My mom already died for nothing.
- 1216. So I'm sure as hell
not gonna let my dad die for nothing, too.
- 1217. You can't do this on your own.
- 1218. Exactly.
- 1219. Do you wanna deal with owing my dad?
- 1220. Then shut the hell up
and pick your weapon.
- 1221. Is that what I think it is?
- 1222. Damn straight.
- 1223. And you better start
reading the instructions,
- 1224. 'cause you're gonna be
using it in about five minutes.
- 1225. Yo, listen up. We got five minutes,
then I want you back on your posts.
- 1226. And don't leave a mess.
- 1227. - Everything okay?
- Everything's all right, boss.
- 1228. I can't believe I got my gun back.
Look at that.
- 1229. You know, it's not the...
- 1230. Let her in.
- 1231. It's a little kid. What's the matter with you?
- 1232. You okay, sweetheart?
- 1233. I...
- 1234. I lost my mommy and daddy.
- 1235. She lost her mommy and daddy.
- 1236. You want to use my cell phone?
- 1237. Now can you remember the number?
- 1238. Help!
- 1239. Had I ever been a real superhero?
- 1240. The most I'd ever had to offer the world
was good intentions
- 1241. and a slightly elevated capacity
to take a kicking.
- 1242. With no power comes no responsibility.
- 1243. Except that wasn't true.
- 1244. - Did you hear that?
- Holy shit.
- 1245. Take cover, please.
- 1246. Shit.
- 1247. No.
- 1248. Shit.
- 1249. What the fuck?
- 1250. Get in here. Help me out!
- 1251. Holy fuck, Fashion, everybody's dead.
- 1252. She's behind the counter.
She's out of ammo, okay?
- 1253. Do you think they got them?
- 1254. If they didn't, he will.
- 1255. Get out there.
- 1256. Now?
- 1257. Yeah, now.
- 1258. What the fuck is going on?
- 1259. We got her trapped. She's unarmed.
- 1260. So what in the hell
are you guys waiting for?
- 1261. - Go get her.
- Go on, man.
- 1262. - Go get her.
- I ain't got no fucking gun.
- 1263. I'm not going in.
- 1264. You do now.
- 1265. Now move.
- 1266. Fuck this shit. I'm getting the bazooka.
- 1267. Bazooka?
- 1268. It's only me, boss.
Everything's under control.
- 1269. Under control? You're grabbing
a fucking bazooka, you dumbass.
- 1270. Sir?
- 1271. Do it.
- 1272. I always wanted to say this.
- 1273. Say hello to my little friend!
- 1274. Dirty motherfuckers!
- 1275. Holy shit.
- 1276. That is one weird-sounding bazooka.
- 1277. Stu!
- 1278. Fuck!
- 1279. Get him.
- 1280. Playtime's over, kid.
- 1281. I never play.
- 1282. Oh, really?
- 1283. Ruin my business, huh?
- 1284. Kill every single fucking guy on my payroll?
- 1285. God, I wish I had a son like you.
- 1286. Time for a family reunion.
- 1287. Hey.
- 1288. Why don't you pick on someone
your own size?
- 1289. - Are you okay?
- 1290. Time to go home.
- 1291. Thanks, Kick-Ass.
- 1292. My daddy,
- 1293. he would have been proud of both of us.
- 1294. Dave.
- 1295. Dave Lizewski.
- 1296. I know that, dumbass.
- 1297. Mindy.
- 1298. Mindy Macready.
- 1299. - Have a good day. Bye.
- 1300. Mindy moved in with Marcus,
and he enrolled her at my school.
- 1301. - Bye.
- Good luck.
- 1302. First school she'd ever been to,
on the promise that I'd look out for her.
- 1303. Hey.
- 1304. Not that she needed me to.
- 1305. Hey, new kid.
- 1306. Hi.
- 1307. Lunch money.
- 1308. Now.
- 1309. Kick-Ass was gone, but not forgotten.
- 1310. And my world was much safer
with all the new superheroes.
- 1311. They said I was their inspiration,
- 1312. but all I did was make a door
into a world I'd dreamed about
- 1313. since I was a little kid.
- 1314. A world full of superheroes, huh?
- 1315. As a great man once said,
- 1316. "Wait till they get a load of me."