Juno (2007)

1. It started with a chair.

2. I've wanted this for a really long time.

3. I know.

4. Wizard.

5. Jeez Banana, shut your freakin' gob OK?

6. This is the most magnificent discarded living room set I've ever seen.

7. Well, well, if it isn't MacGuff the Crime Dog.

8. Back for another test?

9. I think the first one was defective,

10. The plus sign looks more like a division symbol, so I remain unconvinced.

11. Third test today, Momma Bear, your eggo's preggo, no doubt about it.

12. It's really easy to tell, is your nipples real brown?

13. Yeah, maybe your little boyfriend's got mutant sperms, knocked you up twice.

14. Silencio, old man. Look, I just drank my weight in SunnyD and I gotta go pronto.

15. Well, you know where the lavatory is.

16. Pay for that pee stick when you're done.

17. Don't think it's yours just 'cause you marked it with your urine.

18. What's the prognosis, Fertile Myrtle: Minus or plus?

19. I don't know, it's not seasoned yet.

20. I'll take some of these.

21. There it is.

22. The little pink plus sign is so unholy.

23. That ain't no Etch-a-Sketch, this is one doodle that can't be undid, homeskillet.

24. Yo-yo-yiggity-yo.

25. I'm a suicide risk.

26. Juno?

27. No, it's Morgan Freeman, do you have any bones that need collecting?

28. Only the one in my pants.

29. I'm pregnant.

30. What? Honest to blog?

31. Yeah, it's Bleeker's.

32. It's probably just a food baby, did you have a big lunch?

33. This is not a food baby, I've taken three pregnancy tests and I am fo' shiz up the spout.

34. How did you even generate enough pee for three pregnancy tests? That's amazing.

35. I don't know, I drank like ten tons of SunnyD.

36. I'm telling you I'm pregnant and you're acting shockingly cavalier.

37. Is this for real? Like for real for real?

38. Unfortunately yes.

39. Oh, my God!

40. Oh shit! Phuket Thailand!

41. That was kind of the emotion that I was searching for on the first take.

42. Are you going to Havenbrook or Women Now?

43. You need a note from your parents for Havenbrook.

44. Yeah, I know. No, I'm going to go to Women Now, just 'cause they help out women now.

45. Do you want me to call for you? Because I called for Becky last year.

46. No, I can call myself.

47. Oh, but I do need your help with something, it's like critically important.

48. You know, heavy lifting can really only help you at this point.

49. Seriously.

50. So, you were bored? That's how this blessed miracle came to be?

51. No, the act was premeditated. I mean, the sex, not the whole "let's get pregnant" thing.

52. So, when did you decide that you were gonna do Bleeker?

53. I don't know.

54. A year ago in Spanish class.

55. You love him.

56. It's actually really complicated, OK?

57. And I don't feel like talking about it in my fragile state.

58. So what was it like?

59. Humping Bleek's bony bod?

60. Magnificent.

61. Hey, Bleek.

62. Wicked tiger.

63. It looks proud.

64. I swiped it from Ms. Rancick's lawn.

65. Wow, your shorts are like especially gold today.

66. My mom uses color-safe bleach.

67. Go Carole.

68. I'll tell her.

69. When I see them all running like that, with their things bouncing around in their shorts,

70. I always picture them naked, even if I don't want to, all I see is pork swords.

71. I'm supposed to be running.

72. So guess what.

73. What? I don't know.

74. I'm pregnant.

75. What should we do?

76. Oh, you know, I was thinking I'd just nip it in the bud before it gets worse.

77. Because they were talking about it in health class,

78. how pregnancy can often lead to an infant.

79. Typically, yeah, yeah.

80. That's what happens when our moms and teachers get pregnant.

81. So, you're cool with that then?

82. Yeah, yeah, wizard. You know,

83. do whatever you think you should do, you know?

84. Well, I'm sorry I had sex with you,

85. I know it wasn't your idea.

86. Whose idea was it?

87. I'll see you at school, alright?

88. Whose idea was it?

89. Hey, your book fell apart.

90. Right.

91. It must have looked at your face.

92. The funny thing is that Steve Rendazo secretly wants me.

93. Jocks like him always want freaky girls.

94. Girls with horn-rimmed glasses and vegan footwear and Goth makeup.

95. Girls who play the cello and read McSweeney's and

96. want to be children's librarians when they grow up.

97. Oh yeah, jocks totally eat that shit up.

98. They just won't admit it, because they're

99. supposed to be into perfect cheerleaders you know,

100. Like Leah, who incidentally is into teachers.

101. Me too, I love Woody Allen!

102. Alright people.

103. We're doing chromatography lab today, so find

104. your partners and break into groups of four.

105. Well, there's nothing like experimenting.

106. I did the prep questions for this lab last night,

107. so you can just copy my answers if you want.

108. I couldn't copy your work.

109. You copy my work every week.

110. True, I'm kind of a deadbeat lab partner, aren't I?

111. No, no, I don't mind. I think you definitely bring something to the table.

112. Charisma.

113. Who's ready for some chromamagnificence?

114. I have a menstrual migraine, so I can't really look at bright lights today.

115. Amanda, I told you to go to the infirmary and lie down. You never listen.

116. No, Josh, because I don't take orders. Not from you and not from any man.

117. You know, you've been acting like this ever since

118. I got back from visiting my brother in Mankato.

119. I already told you, nothing happened.

120. Well, I'm gonna set up the apparatus.

121. Juno, do you want to plug in the Bunsen burner?

122. It's my pleasure.

123. I'm going to the infirmary.

124. Good. Call me when you get off the rag.

125. Fine, call me when you learn how to love someone,

126. instead of cheating at your brother's college,

127. Just because you've had four Smirnoff Ices and

128. a bottle of Snow Peak Peach flavored Boone's!

129. Good, Amanda, I'll be sure to do that, I'll make a note of it.

130. I've actually heard that the Snow Peak Peach flavor is the best flavor of Boone's.

131. Isn't that right, Bleek?

132. Oprimo numero dos.

133. Yeah, I'm just calling to procure a hasty abortion.

134. What?

135. Can you just hold on for a second, I'm on my hamburger phone.

136. Okay, now I can,

137. Yeah, it's really awkward to talk on.

138. Yeah, I need an abortion.

139. Sixteen.

140. I'm gonna say it's been about two months and four days since the sex,

141. Mind you, that's just like a guestimation.

142. Sorry, how long have I been what?

143. Oh, I hate it when adults use the term "sexually active".

144. What does it even mean?

145. Can I deactivate someday, or is this a permanent state of being?

146. I guess Bleeker went live that night we did it,

147. I guess that's why he got that look on his face.

148. You should have seen this octopus furnace at work.

149. I had to get out my Hazmat suit just to get into the thing.

150. My dad used to be in the Army, but now he's just your average HVAC specialist.

151. He and my mom got divorced when I was five,

152. She lives on a Havasu reservation in Arizona

153. with her new husband and three replacement kids.

154. Oh, and she inexplicably mails me a cactus every Valentine's Day.

155. And I'm like, Thanks a heap, Coyote Ugly.

156. This cactus-gram stings even worse than your abandonment.

157. That's my stepmom, Bren, she's completely obsessed with dogs.

158. Owns a nail salon and always smells like methylmethacrylate.

159. So Juno, how was your little maneuver last night?

160. Which maneuver, sir? The one where I moved an entire living room set from one lawn to the other,

161. or the one where I downed a sixty-four ounce blue slushie in ten minutes?

162. Juno, did you by any chance barf in my urn?

163. Mac, you know that nice urn by the front door, the one I got up in Stillwater?

164. There was some blue shit,

165. I mean, gunk, stuff in there this morning.

166. I would never barf in your urn, Brenda.

167. I mean, maybe L.B. did it.

168. Liberty Bell, if you put one more Baco on that potato, I'm gonna kick your little monkey butt.

169. All babies want to get borned! All babies want to get borned!

170. All babies want to get borned!

171. Hey Su-Chin.

172. Hi, Juno.

173. How are you?

174. You know, pretty solid.

175. So did you write that paper for Worth's class yet?

176. No, not yet.

177. I tried to work on it a little last night, but I'm having trouble concentrating.

178. I'll sell you some of my Adderall.

179. No thanks, I'm off pills.

180. That's a wise choice 'cause I knew this girl, she had this crazy freakout.

181. She took too many behavioral meds at once and she ripped off her clothes

182. and dove into the fountain at Ridgedale Mall like, Blaaaaah! I'm a kraken from the sea!

183. I heard that was you.

184. It was good seeing you, Su-Chin.

185. Your baby probably has a beating heart, you know?

186. It can feel pain,

187. And it has fingernails.

188. Fingernails? Really?

189. Welcome to Women Now, where women are trusted friends.

190. Please put your hands where I can see them and surrender any bombs.

191. Hey, I'm here for the big show.

192. Your name, please?

193. Juno MacGuff.

194. She thinks I'm using a fake name. Like Gene Simmons or Mother Teresa.

195. I need you to fill these out, both sides.

196. We need to know about every score and every sore.

197. Would you like a free condom?

198. They're boysenberry.

199. No, I'm off sex.

200. My boyfriend uses them every time we have intercourse.

201. They make his jocks smell like pie.

202. All babies want to get borned! All babies want to get borned!

203. God appreciates your miracle!

204. Dude, what are you doing here?

205. I'm supposed to come get you at four.

206. I couldn't do it, Leah!

207. It smelled like a dentist office in there,

208. And there were these horrible magazines with water stains.

209. And then the friggin' receptionist is trying to

210. give me these condoms that looked like grape suckers,

211. and just babbling away about her friggin' boyfriend's pie balls.

212. Yum!

213. And Su-Chin was there, and she was

214. like, "Oh hi! Babies have fingernails. "

215. Fingernails!

216. That's gruesome.

217. You think the baby can scratch your vag on the way out?

218. I'm staying pregnant, Leah.

219. Dude! You gotta keep your voice down, my mom is inside.

220. She doesn't know that we're sexually active.

221. What does that even mean?

222. I've been thinking.

223. I was thinking that I could have this baby and give it to someone who totally needs it.

224. You know, like a woman with a bum ovary or a couple of nice lesbos.

225. But then you're gonna get huge and your chest is gonna milktate.

226. - And you have to tell people that you're pregnant. - But maybe they'll canonize me for being so selfless.

227. Maybe they'll totally shit and be really mad and not let you graduate or go to Cabo for spring break.

228. I was going to go to Gettysburg with Bleeker anyway.

229. You should look at adoption ads,

230. I see them all the time in the Penny Saver.

231. They have ads for parents?

232. Yeah! "Desperately Seeking Spawn. " Right next to terriers and iguanas and used fitness equipment.

233. It's totally legit.

234. "Wholesome, spiritually wealthy couple have found true love with each other. "

235. "All that's missing is your bastard. "

236. I want a parakeet.

237. You're totally not even listening to me.

238. No, I heard you. I don't want to give the baby to a family that describes themselves as "wholesome. "

239. - Why? - I want something a little more edgier.

240. - Okay, what did you have in mind exactly? - I was thinking a graphic designer,

241. mid-thirties, with a cool Asian girlfriend who dresses awesome and rocks out on the bass guitar.

242. But I don't want to be too particular.

243. OK, how about this?

244. "Educated, successful couple seeking infant to join our family of five. "

245. "You will be compensated. Help us complete the circle of love. "

246. That sounds great.

247. They sound like a friggin' cult. Besides, they already have three kids, they're greedy little bitches.

248. Oh, Juno! How about this one?

249. They were Mark and Vanessa Loring,

250. And they were beautiful even in black and white.

251. Paul? Are you coming downstairs to eat?

252. No, I don't think so.

253. You ran eight miles today, Puppy.

254. I'm not hungry, oddly.

255. But it's breakfast for supper. It's your favorite, Paul.

256. Yeah.

257. Juno MacGuff called while you were out running today.

258. You know how I feel about her.

259. You've mentioned it a couple times.

260. She is just...

261. different.

262. Yeah.

263. I'm not really sure how I'm gonna spit this out.

264. Hon, did you get expelled?

265. No. The school would most likely contact you in the event of my expulsion.

266. Well, I was just asking. It seemed plausible.

267. Do you need a large amount of money? Legal counsel?

268. No, I'm not asking for anything.

269. Except for maybe mercy. Like, it would be friggin' sweet if no one hit me.

270. What have you done, Junebug? Did you hit someone with the Previa?

271. No.

272. Dude, I think it's best to just tell them.

273. I'm pregnant.

274. Oh, God.

275. But I'm going to give it up for adoption.

276. I already found the perfect couple.

277. They're gonna pay for the medical expenses and everything.

278. In thirty-odd weeks we can just pretend that this never happened.

279. You're pregnant?

280. I'm sorry.

281. I'm sorry. And if it is any consolation,

282. I have heartburn that's radiating down to my kneecaps

283. and I haven't take a dump since Wednesday.

284. Morning!

285. I didn't even know you were sexually active!

286. Who is the kid?

287. The baby? I don't really know much about it. It has fingernails, allegedly.

288. Nails? Really?

289. Yeah.

290. I mean, who is the father, Juno?

291. It's Paulie Bleeker.

292. Paulie Bleeker?

293. What?

294. I didn't think he had it in him!

295. I know, right?

296. Right, this is no laughing matter.

297. No, it's not.

298. And Paulie is actually great.

299. In chair.

300. You were thinking about adoption?

301. Yeah, there's this couple.

302. They've been trying to have a kid for five years.

303. We found them in the Penny Saver next to the exotic birds.

304. They have a legitimate lawyer and I was going to go meet with them next weekend.

305. Junebug, that is a tough, tough thing to do.

306. Probably tougher than you can understand right now.

307. I know...

308. It's just that I'm not ready to be a mom.

309. Damn skippy, you're not!

310. You don't even remember to give Liberty Bell her breathing meds.

311. That was once! And she did not die, if you recall!

312. Honey, had you considered, you know, the alternative?

313. No.

314. Well, you're a little Viking!

315. First things first,

316. we have to get you healthy.

317. You need prenatal vitamins,

318. Incidentally, they do incredible things for your nails, so that's a plus.

319. Oh, and we need to schedule a doctor's appointment.

320. Figure out where you're going to deliver.

321. Juno, I'm coming with you to meet this adoption people.

322. You're just a kid. I don't want you to get ripped off by a couple of babystarved wingnuts.

323. Thanks, Dad.

324. I thought you were the kind of girl who knew when to say when.

325. I don't really know what kind of girl I am.

326. Tell it to me straight, Bren. Do you think this is my fault?

327. I think kids get bored and have intercourse.

328. And I think Junebug was a dummy about it, Mac.

329. I am not ready to be a Pop-Pop.

330. You're not going to be a Pop-Pop.

331. Somebody else is going to find a precious blessing from Jesus in this garbage dump of a situation.

332. Did you see that coming when she sat us down here?

333. Yeah. But I was hoping she was expelled or into hard drugs.

334. That was my first instinct too. Or D.W.I. Anything but this.

335. And I'm going to punch that Bleeker kid in the weiner the next time I see him.

336. Mac, no. You know it wasn't his idea.

337. Hi! I'm Vanessa. You must be Juno and Mr. MacGuff.

338. Vanessa.

339. It's Vanessa, right?

340. Thanks for having me and my irresponsible child over to your house.

341. Oh no. Thank you.

342. Come on in.

343. Can I take your coat or your hat?

344. Oh, yeah, sure, thanks.

345. Wicked pic in the Penny Saver, by the way. Super classy.

346. Not like those people with fake woods in the background,

347. Honestly, who do they think they're fooling?

348. You found us in the Penny Saver?

349. Hi. Mark Loring. I'm the husband.

350. - How you doing? Mac McGuff. - Nice to meet you.

351. Hi.

352. This is Gerta Rauss, our attorney.

353. Gerta Rauss.

354. Hi, pleased to meet you.

355. And this, of course, is Juno.

356. Like the city in Alaska.

357. No.

358. No?

359. Hon?

360. Shall we sit down and get to know one another?

361. I thought I'd get some drinks.

362. What would anyone like? I have Pellegrino or Vitamin Water or orange juice.

363. A Maker's Mark, please. Up.

364. She's kidding.

365. Junebug has a wonderful sense of humor, just one of her many genetic gifts.

366. I see.

367. So, Juno. First off, how far along are you?

368. I'm a junior.

369. No, I mean in your pregnancy.

370. Oh. Uh, actually my stepmom took me yesterday to the doctor and they said I was twelve weeks.

371. Oh, that's marvelous.

372. So you're into your second trimester?

373. Yeah, apparently.

374. I'm due on May 4.

375. Great.

376. My girlfriends tell me the first couple months are the hardest.

377. I didn't notice it at all.

378. I'm more concerned about when they have to put that elastic band in the front of my jeans.

379. I think pregnancy is beautiful.

380. Well, you're lucky it's not you.

381. So, let's talk how we're gonna do this... thing.

382. Well, don't I just have the thing?

383. Squeeze it on out and hand it over?

384. Mark and Vanessa are willing to negotiate an open adoption.

385. What does that mean?

386. It means they'd send annual updates, photos,

387. let Juno know how the baby is doing as he or she grows up.

388. Whoah. I don't want photos or any kind of notification.

389. Can't we just kick this old school?

390. I stick the baby in a basket and send it your way.

391. Like Moses in the reeds.

392. Technically, that would be kickin' it Old Testament.

393. Exactly! Right?

394. Do you know what I mean?

395. Like in the good old days. When it was quick and dirty.

396. Well, then we all agree a traditional closed adoption would be best for all involved?

397. Shit, yes, just close her on up.

398. Obviously, we would compensate you for all your medical expenses.

399. Are you looking for any other type of compensation?

400. Excuse me?

401. No.

402. No, I don't want to sell the thing, I just...

403. I want...

404. I just want the baby to be with people who are gonna love it,

405. And be good parents, you know?

406. I'm in high school.

407. I'm ill-equipped.

408. You're doing a beautiful and a selfless thing for us.

409. Vanessa has wanted a baby ever since we got married.

410. I want to be a mommy so badly!

411. You don't say.

412. Have you ever felt like you were just born to do something?

413. Yes.

414. Heating and air conditioning.

415. There you go.

416. I was born to be a mother.

417. Some of us are.

418. How about you, Mark, are you looking forward to being a dad?

419. Betcha, yeah.

420. Every guy wants to be a father. Wants to coach the soccer team and

421. help out with the science fair and the volcano goes off.

422. Yeah, all that.

423. Maybe Gerta could take us through the preliminary documents that you have drawn up.

424. Could I use the facilities first? Being pregnant makes me pee like Seabiscuit.

425. The downstairs bathroom is being re-tiled, but if you go upstairs, then to the right...

426. Oh yeah! Room with the toilet.

427. Is she alright?

428. Sorry.

429. Sorry, I didn't expect to see you up here.

430. I just came up to get something.

431. Did your wife send you up here to spy on me?

432. No.

433. Do we come off as paranoid yuppies or something?

434. I stole a squirt of your wife's perfume.

435. Really?

436. It's Clinique Happy.

437. Get a whiff of those sparkling topnotes!

438. Is that supposed to make me feel happy?

439. You should feel happy, Holmes.

440. I'm giving you and Vanessa the gift of life. Sweet, screaming, pooping life!

441. And you don't even have to be there when it comes out all covered in...

442. Viscera?

443. Blood and guts.

444. Is that a Les Paul?

445. Yes, it is.

446. Vanessa gave me my own room for all my stuff.

447. She gave you your own room in your whole house for your stuff?

448. She's got you on a long leash there, Mark.

449. Oh, it's beautiful.

450. You know? I always loved Gibson way more than Fender.

451. What do you play?

452. I rock a Harmony.

453. So is it mahagony?

454. What happens if you crack the neck?

455. Tell me about it. I used to play in this really tight

456. band when I lived in Chicago and one night we opened up

457. for the Melvins and I busted that thing right on

458. stage and it cost me $800 just to get it fixed.

459. When was that?

460. '93. Best time for rock and roll.

461. Nuh-uh, '77! Punk Volume #1.

462. You're crazy.

463. You weren't there,

464. You couldn't understand the magic.

465. You weren't even alive!

466. What's that?

467. It's a Pilates machine.

468. What do you make with it?

469. You don't make anything. It's for exercising.

470. My wife ordered one of those

471. Tony Little Gazelles off the TV.

472. You know, from the guy with the ponytail?

473. That guy just doesn't look right to me.

474. I'll be right back.

475. Excuse me.

476. Hi.

477. Hi.

478. You're playing music?

479. Juno wanted a little closer look at Kimber.

480. Your guitar is named Kimber?

481. Yeah.

482. That's cool. My axe is named Roosevelt.

483. After Franklin, not Ted. He was the hot one with polio.

484. Gerta is downstairs, we still have

485. a lot of stuff to go over.

486. I got it.

487. Not to interrupt the jam session.

488. So, just look these over and if you have any questions, call me at my office.

489. We would really appreciate it if you would just keep us updated on any doctor's appointments,

490. Ultrasounds, anything of that nature.

491. For sure. You want to know how your kid is cooking, I get it.

492. You think you're really going to do this, then?

493. Yeah. I like you guys.

494. How sure would you say you are?

495. Would you say you're 80% sure, 90% sure?

496. I'm going to say I'm about 104% sure.

497. Really?

498. Seriously, if I could just have the thing and give it to you now, I totally would,

499. But I'm guessing it looks probably like a Sea Monkey right now,

500. And we should let it get a little cuter, right?

501. - Yeah. - Great.

502. Keep it in the oven.

503. I think that's a great idea.

504. Nice to meet you both.

505. Please, drive carefully. Hopefully we'll hear from you soon.

506. - Take care. - Buh bye.

507. Hey, man.

508. Hey, Vijay.

509. Did you hear Juno MacGuff is pregnant?

510. Yeah.

511. - Like our moms and teachers! - Yeah.

512. Did you hear it's yours?

513. Yup.

514. What a trip, man.

515. I don't really know too much about it.

516. You should grow a moustache.

517. I can't.

518. Me neither.

519. But I'm going to stop wearing underpants.

520. Raise my sperm count.

521. Juno, hey.

522. Hey, Bleek.

523. Me and some guys are gonna go to the movies after school and we're gonna donut that flick

524. with the guy who has eighteen kids.

525. Do you want to come?

526. Sounds awesome, but I got my ultrasound.

527. Oh, really?

528. Can I...

529. Should I come?

530. Oh, you can't waste those donut balls,

531. But maybe I could drop by later.

532. Okay, cool.

533. - Later, Bleek. - See ya.

534. I'll save you a seat.

535. There's your baby.

536. Oh, my God.

537. There's a hand.

538. And an arm.

539. And there's the feet.

540. Would you look at that?

541. Check out Baby Big-Head. Dude, that thing is freaky looking!

542. Excuse me, I am a sacred vessel.

543. All you've got in your stomach is Taco Bell!

544. It's amazing that there's actually saps that cry at this.

545. What? I'm not made of stone.

546. Well, there you have it.

547. Would you like to know the sex?

548. - Yes. - No.

549. - Please, Junebug? - No sex.

550. Planning to be surprised when you deliver?

551. I want Mark and Vanessa to be surprised, and if you told me, I'll just ruin everything.

552. Are Mark and Vanessa your friends at school?

553. No, they're the adoptive parents.

554. Oh. Well, thank goodness for that.

555. What's that supposed to mean?

556. I just see a lot of teenage mothers come through here.

557. It's obviously a poisonous environment to raise a baby in.

558. How do you know that I'm so poisonous?

559. What if these adoptive parents turn out to be evil molesters?

560. Or like stage parents.

561. They could be utterly negligent. Maybe they'll do a far shittier job

562. of raising a kid than my dumb-ass stepdaughter ever would.

563. Have you considered that?

564. No, I guess not.

565. What is your job title, exactly?

566. I'm an ultrasound technician, ma'am.

567. Well I'm a nail technician, and I think we both ought to stick to what we know.

568. Excuse me?

569. You think you're so special because you get to play Picture Pages up there?

570. My five year-old daughter could do that, and let me tell you, she is not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed.

571. So why don't you go back to night school in Manteno and learn a real trade!

572. Bren, you's a dick!

573. I love it.

574. Juno? Wow, I didn't expect to see you here.

575. I have something really cool to show you guys. Is Vanessa here?

576. No, actually she's working late tonight.

577. She's trying to accrue as much time off as she can before...

578. Oh right. I hear these are quite the time-suck.

579. Wanna come in? I was just having a Ginseng Cooler.

580. Would you like one?

581. What is it with you rich people and your herb-infused juices?

582. It's probably got something to do with those forty four-packs they come in.

583. They're not bad, though.

584. Why aren't you at work?

585. I work mostly from home. I'm a composer.

586. No shit.

587. Like Johannes Brahms?

588. No, more commercial stuff.

589. Like what?

590. Commercials.

591. Have you seen the ads for the Titanium Power men's deodorant?

592. Paid for this kitchen.

593. You're quite the sellout, Mark.

594. What would the Melvins say?

595. Did you say you had something to show me.

596. Behold, good sir! Your future child.

597. Hey, look at that.

598. I think it looks like my friend Paulie.

599. Is he also bald and amorphous?

600. No, he's the dad.

601. Can you tell if it's a boy or a girl?

602. I can't, the doctor can. But I kind of want it to be a surprise.

603. Well, it can only go one of two ways.

604. That's what you think.

605. I drink tons of booze so you might end up with one of those scary neuter-babies that's born without junk.

606. Junk, huh?

607. You know, it's parts.

608. I know what junk is.

609. Yeah, right.

610. We definitely want it to have some junk, please.

611. Well, you don't need to worry about a thing.

612. My stepmom, Bren, makes me eat super healthy.

613. I can't stand in front of the microwave and no red M&Ms.

614. I hope you're ready.

615. Ooh... do you hear that?

616. What?

617. This is my favorite song. It's Sonic Youth doing "Superstar" by the Carpenters.

618. Oh, yeah, yeah, I know the Carpenters.

619. Chick drummer, freaky dude. Not unlike the White Stripes.

620. You haven't heard the Carpenters like this. Just listen.

621. Yeah, I like this.

622. What did you say your favorite band was?

623. Didn't. It's a three-way tie between the Stooges, Patti Smith and the Runaways.

624. I definitely need to make you some CDs. At least while my kid's in there.

625. The Wizard of Gore?

626. That is Herschel Gordon Lewis. He's the ultimate master of horror.

627. Please. Dario Argento is so the ultimate master of horror.

628. Argento?

629. He's alright, but Lewis is completely dimented.

630. We're talking buckets of goo.

631. Red corn syrup all over the place. Fake brains coming out the yin-yang.

632. Quite frankly, this looks a little stupid.

633. Give me the tape.

634. This is even better than Suspiria.

635. What'd I tell ya?

636. You have decent taste in slasher movies.

637. Here's to dovetailing interests.

638. Have you guys thought of any names for the baby yet?

639. Sort of, yes. Vanessa likes Madison for a girl.

640. Madison?

641. Isn't that a little, gay?

642. Well, pretentious much? Should everyone just have a mysterious name like Juno?

643. My dad went through this huge obsession with Roman and Greek mythology.

644. He decided to name me after Zeus's wife,

645. Zeus had tons of lays, but I'm pretty sure Juno was his only wife.

646. She was supposed to be really beautiful but really mean. Like Diana Ross.

647. That suits you.

648. Thanks?

649. You're something else.

650. Vanessa. You'd better go.

651. She hates when I sit around watching movies and I don't contribute.

652. I'll handle this. I'm really good at diffusing mom-type rage.

653. No, Juno, no.

654. Juno, what's going on?

655. - Nothing. - What are you doing here? What's wrong?

656. Nothing, I went to the doctor today.

657. Is there something wrong with the baby?

658. The baby is great.

659. It's the right size and everything. I even saw its phalanges today!

660. Here.

661. It's the baby.

662. It's your baby.

663. It kinda looks like it's waving.

664. Like it's saying "Hey, Vanessa. Will you be my mom?"

665. Yeah, it kind of does.

666. Juno was nice enough to bring that over for us today.

667. I came as soon as I got that ultrasound goo off my pelvis.

668. It was crazy actually,

669. My stepmom verbally abused the ultrasound tech so we got escorted off the premises.

670. Wow, what kind of swag did you score?

671. Mall madness, huh?

672. It's just some stuff I picked up for the baby.

673. Don't you usually get all that stuff at a baby shower?

674. When my stepmom was pregnant with my little sister she got a million gifts.

675. But I wasn't jealous 'cause they all were super lame.

676. I doubt anyone's gonna throw us a shower.

677. Why wouldn't they throw you a baby shower?

678. I don't think people know how to feel about this situation because it's not set in stone.

679. What isn't set...

680. You don't think I'm going to flake out on you?

681. No, I don't, Juno.

682. We went through a situation before

683. where it didn't work out.

684. Cold feet.

685. You should have gone to China.

686. I hear they give away babies like free iPods.

687. They put 'em in those T-shirt guns

688. and shoot them out at sporting events.

689. Your parents are probably wondering where you are.

690. Naah. I'm already pregnant,

691. so what other kind of shenanigans could I get into?

692. I should probably bounce.

693. Hey, don't forget your bag.

694. Ah, bag!

695. Okay, take care.

696. Where the hell have you been, Junebug?

697. I just drove to St. Cloud to show Mark and Vanessa the ultrasound.

698. I ended up staying for a couple of hours.

699. A couple of hours? Why are you going over there in the first place?

700. They wanted to know about this stuff. I said I'd keep them updated, so I did!

701. You could have mailed it to them.

702. Why would you drive an hour out to East Jesus, Nowhere?

703. I don't know, I just did.

704. And while Mark and I were waiting for Vanessa,

705. we watched The Wizard of Gore,

706. And he burned me a couple of CDs of this weird music.

707. He's kind of cool.

708. Juno, you can't just drop in on them like that.

709. No, it was not a big deal. He was totally cool with it.

710. You don't understand.

711. Mark is a married man, there are boundaries.

712. Oh, come on.

713. Listen,

714. Bren-duhhh.

715. You're acting like you're the one who has to go through this

716. and get huge and shove a baby out of your vag for someone else.

717. What does it even matter if he's married?

718. I can have friends that are married.

719. It doesn't work that way, kiddo.

720. You don't know squat about the dynamics of marriage.

721. You don't know anything about me!

722. I know enough.

723. We don't even have a dog!

724. Yeah, because you're allergic to their saliva.

725. I have sacrificed a lot for you, Juno. But in a couple years when you move out

726. I'm going to get Weimaraners.

727. Wow, dream big!

728. Oh, go fly a kite.

729. Hi, Juno.

730. What can I do for you?

731. Bleeker home?

732. Bleeker's mom was possibly attractive once.

733. But now she looks a hobbit.

734. You know, the fat one that was in The Goonies.

735. Hey, man,

736. Don't concentrate so hard. I think I can smell your hair all burning.

737. Hey, what's up?

738. Not much, I just wanted to come say hey.

739. I miss hanging out with you on school nights.

740. Orange Tic-Tacs are Bleeker's one and only vice.

741. The day I got pregnant, his mouth tasted really tangy and delicious.

742. You seem to be getting...

743. pregnant-er these days.

744. Ya know, I set up this whole private adoption...

745. and this married couple in Saint Cloud are going to be the parents.

746. Really?

747. What are they like?

748. The guy, he's awesome.

749. His name is Mark and

750. he likes old horror movies and he plays the guitar.

751. We actually hung out this afternoon.

752. Is that normal?

753. Probably not, but...

754. I talked to dad and Bren and they said they wouldn't narc you out to your folks,

755. So,

756. I think we should be cool.

757. That's a relief.

758. I'm gonna start looking

759. like a pretty big dork soon.

760. Will you still think I'm cute when I'm huge?

761. I always think you're cute.

762. I think you're beautiful.

763. Jeez, Bleek.

764. I do.

765. Hey Junebug, when this is all over we should get the band back together.

766. Yeah.

767. That would be awesome.

768. Once Tino gets a new drumhead

769. we're just, like, ready to rock.

770. We could always get back together too.

771. That's an option.

772. Were we together?

773. Yeah, we were once.

774. That time.

775. What about Katrina De Voort?

776. You could totally go out with Katrina De Voort.

777. I don't like Katrina.

778. She smells like soup.

779. Her whole house smells of soup.

780. Okay.

781. So we have Custard, Cheesecake.

782. They're yellow.

783. I wanted to pick something that was gender-neutral until

784. we get the baby and then we can add a more decisive palette.

785. Why does everyone think yellow is gender-neutral?

786. I don't know any guy with a yellow bedroom.

787. I'm thinking more Custard with this light.

788. I don't know. Maybe I should paint a larger swatch...

789. Or you could wait a few more months.

790. It's not like the baby's going to storm in here demanding dessert-colored walls.

791. "What to Expect" says that readying the baby's room is an important process for the woman.

792. Especially if you're adopting. It's called "nesting. "

793. Nesting?

794. Are you going to build the crib out of sticks and spit?

795. You should read the book. I flagged the "daddy chapters" for you.

796. I think it's too early to paint.

797. That's my opinion.

798. I disagree.

799. This wall is going to need something.

800. Our first family photo right in the middle.

801. Right up there.

802. Can you see it?

803. Yum! This pretzel tastes like a friggin' donut!

804. Share the love, sweetness!

805. You can't have any.

806. She's assaulting me!

807. She's denying me fresh-baked goodness!

808. Oh, my God.

809. That's her. That's Vanessa Loring.

810. Of the Penny Saver Lorings?

811. Dude, she's, like, really pretty.

812. You sound totally shocked or something.

813. She's totally gonna steal that kid for her collection.

814. Right, seriously.

815. Boring!

816. I could so go for a huge cookie right now with like, a lamb kebab, simultaneously.

817. God, Spermy. Must you always feed?

818. It's like, never-ending for you.

819. Juno!

820. Hi, Vanessa!

821. What brings you to the mall today?

822. I was just shopping with my girlfriends.

823. You're gay?

824. No.

825. Just ignore her.

826. Well, how are you feeling?

827. Great! Everything's stupendous.

828. Oh, coming in on that snooze button.

829. That's incredible.

830. Oh, God.

831. What?

832. Kicking away.

833. Could I feel it?

834. Are you kidding?

835. At school everyone's just grabbing my belly all the time.

836. I'm a legend. They call me the Cautionary Whale.

837. I can't feel anything.

838. It's not moving for me.

839. You should try talking to it.

840. They can hear you, even though it's all ten thousand leagues under the sea.

841. Hi, baby.

842. It's me. It's Vanessa.

843. I can't wait to meet you.

844. Can you hear me, baby?

845. Sweet angel?

846. I felt it!

847. That was magical.

848. Thank you.

849. Thank you.

850. Hello?

851. Hey!

852. So, I've been listening to that really weird CD that you made me.

853. Yeah? What's the verdict?

854. Well, it's cute.

855. It's cute?

856. When you're used to listening to the raw power of Iggy and the Stooges,

857. everything else just sounds kind of precious in comparison.

858. I imagine you have a collection of punk chestnuts to prove your point.

859. Well...

860. consider it your musical education.

861. I can't wait to see what you've got to teach me.

862. Stop surfing porn and get back to work.

863. Just wanted to call and say hi.

864. Go learn something.

865. - Oh, a little trip down Mexico way. - And Greece and China apparently.

866. How many months has it been now?

867. You're getting huge.

868. It's homing in on the eight. You should see how weird I look naked.

869. I wish my funbags would get bigger.

870. Trust me, you don't. I have to actually wear a friggin' bra now

871. and rub all this nasty cocoa butter stuff on myself so my skin won't explode.

872. Hot!

873. Why is everyone always staring at me?

874. Well, you are kind of convex, you know?

875. Whoah! Who's been doing their geometry homework for once!

876. I have no choice. Keith has been grading me so hard lately.

877. Do not call Mr. Conyers "Keith".

878. 'Cause my barf reflex is really enheightened these days.

879. But Keith's hot.

880. Eww, he's all beardy!

881. Did you hear that Bleek is going to the prom with Katrina De Voort?

882. Katrina?

883. No way, he doesn't like Katrina.

884. Must be like a pity date or something.

885. I heard he asked her and that the're going to Benihana,

886. and then prom, and then Vijay's parents' cabin.

887. He told me that Katrina's house smells like soup!

888. Oh my God, it totally does.

889. I was there four years ago for her birthday party and it was like Lipton Landing.

890. But you know, boys have endured way worse things for nookie.

891. Oh, please.

892. There is no way that they're having sex,

893. They wouldn't even be holding hands.

894. I wouldn't be so sure, he did it with you.

895. Yeah, 'cause Bleek trusts me.

896. We're best friends.

897. Are you jealous?

898. I thought you said you didn't care what he did.

899. Not jealous, don't care.

900. I know Bleek doesn't like Katrina and he shouldn't

901. toy with her emotions like that. She seems pretty nice.

902. Uh-huh, I'm really convinced.

903. Prom is for wenises, anyway.

904. As soon as you're old enough to go, it's so not cool anymore.

905. Are you honestly and truly going to the prom with Katrina De Voort?

906. Uh, hi?

907. Leah just said that you were gonna go with her.

908. Yeah, I did ask her if she wanted to go.

909. A bunch of us from the team are going to Benihana,

910. then go the prom, then go to Vijay's parents' cabin.

911. We're getting a stretch limo.

912. Your mom must be pretty stoked that you're not taking me.

913. You're mad. Why are you mad?

914. I'm not mad. I'm in a great mood.

915. Despite the fact that I'm in a fat suit I can't take off,

916. despite the fact that pretty much everyone is making

917. fun of me behind my back, despite the fact that your

918. girlfriend gave me the stinkeye in art class yesterday.

919. Katrina's not my girlfriend! And I doubt that she gave you the stinkeye.

920. That's just the way her face looks.

921. Just take Soupy Sales to prom, I can think of so many cooler things to do that night.

922. I might pumice my feet or go to Bren's Unitarian church,

923. maybe get hit by a truck full of hot garbage juice.

924. All those things would be exponentially cooler than going to the prom with you.

925. You're being really immature.

926. You have no reason to be mad at me. You broke my heart.

927. I should be royally ticked off at you.

928. I should be really cheesed off. I shouldn't want to talk to you anymore.

929. Why? Because I got bored and had sex with you, and then I didn't wanna, like, marry you?

930. Like I'd marry you! You'd be the meanest wife ever.

931. And I know that you weren't bored that day

932. because there was a lot of stuff on TV.

933. The Blair Witch Project was coming on Starz, and you were like,

934. "I haven't seen this since it came out, but we should make out instead. La la la. "

935. You just take Katrina the Douche Packer to the prom.

936. I'm sure you two will have a real bitchin' time!

937. I still have your underwear.

938. I still have your virginity!

939. Would you shut up!

940. What? Are you ashamed that we did it?

941. - No. - 'Cause at least

942. you don't have to have the evidence under your sweater.

943. I'm a planet!

944. Wait, let me get your bag.

945. What's another ten pounds?

946. Hi.

947. Wow. That shirt's working hard.

948. Is Vanessa here?

949. No. We are safe.

950. I'm glad you're here, I actually have something for you.

951. Almost there.

952. Whoah, Mark! Is this the baby's room? It's beautiful!

953. Hilarious.

954. This is where I keep all my old comics,

955. And I want to show you one.

956. You're one of those guys?

957. Take a look.

958. Most Fruitful Yuki?

959. Is this a pregnant superhero?

960. Isn't that great?

961. I found it in Japan when I was there with my band.

962. It reminds me of you.

963. Hells, yeah!

964. This actually makes me feel way less of a fat dork.

965. Yuki is a real bad ass.

966. You should be very proud being in the same condition.

967. Thank you.

968. Oh, how about some tunage?

969. Alright, don't look, no matter what.

970. This one is actually kinda slow.

971. But it's Mott the Hoople so it's still totally rad and hardcore.

972. I know this one.

973. - You do? - Yeah, this song is older than I am.

974. I danced to this at my senior prom.

975. Who'd you dance with?

976. Cynthia Vogel, great dance partner.

977. She let me put my hands all over her butt.

978. - Hot. - Very hot.

979. I can just, totally, picture you dancing,

980. Like a total dork!

981. Her hands there,

982. And my hands down here.

983. This is how we did it in '88.

984. Like this?

985. Just like this.

986. You've never been to a dance before?

987. Dances are for nerds and squares.

988. What are you?

989. I don't know.

990. I feel like there's something between us.

991. I'm leaving Vanessa.

992. What?

993. I'm getting a place in the city.

994. It's something I've wanted to do for a long time.

995. No!

996. No?

997. No! You definitely can't do that.

998. That's one big, fat sack of no!

999. What is the matter?

1000. You guys are supposed to take care of this.

1001. I thought you'd be cool with this.

1002. I want things to be perfect.

1003. I don't want them to be shitty and broken like everyone else's family.

1004. Look, I'll have the baby, and Vanessa is going to be so happy.

1005. A baby is not going to fix everything.

1006. Besides, I don't know if I'm even ready to be a father.

1007. But you're old!

1008. How do you think of me?

1009. Why are you over here?

1010. I...

1011. I just like being a piece of furniture in your weird life.

1012. This is what my life has become. I got stuff in boxes.

1013. I'm underground. That's appealing to you?

1014. - This is my fault. - No.

1015. Is Vanessa mad at you because of me?

1016. That's got nothing to do with it. Vanessa and I aren't in love anymore.

1017. You were in love when you married her!

1018. If you're in love once, you can be in love again.

1019. My friend Leah has been with the same guy four different times.

1020. You're just not trying hard enough.

1021. I'm such an idiot. I can't believe what an idiot I am.

1022. No, you know what, Mark.

1023. Do not divorce your wife!

1024. Will you please just do me a solid and stay with Vanessa?

1025. You're so young.

1026. I'm not that young. I'm sixteen.

1027. I'm old enough to know when someone's acting like a total a-hole!

1028. Oh, and you know what,

1029. I bought another Sonic Youth album and it sucks! It's just noise!

1030. Juno? What's going on?

1031. Nothing.

1032. Why are you crying?

1033. I'm not crying. I'm just allergic to fine home furnishings.

1034. What's the matter?

1035. What's the matter?

1036. She's just a little hormonal. Right, Juno?

1037. It's part of the process.

1038. What did you do?

1039. I didn't do anything...

1040. Just...

1041. I've been thinking.

1042. - What? - Just thinking if this is the right thing.

1043. What are you talking about?

1044. Just wondering if it's,

1045. Just wondering if we're ready.

1046. Yeah, we're ready.

1047. We're ready. We've read the books, we've taken all the classes.

1048. We have a nursery that is completely...

1049. Vanessa, I know we're prepared. I'm just wondering if... I'm ready.

1050. Wait a minute.

1051. Juno, don't listen to him. He's just got cold feet.

1052. He's just being a guy.

1053. The books all say the same thing.

1054. A woman becomes a mother when she gets pregnant.

1055. A man becomes a father when he sees his baby.

1056. He's going to get there.

1057. It just happened so fast.

1058. We put the ad in the paper and I thought it was gonna take months if at all and then,

1059. Two weeks later, she's on that couch.

1060. She answered our prayers.

1061. Ever since then it's been like a ticking clock.

1062. What are you saying?

1063. That it feels a little like bad timing.

1064. What would be a good time for you, Mark?

1065. There's just some things that I still want to do.

1066. Like what? Be a rock star?

1067. Don't mock me.

1068. I'm just saying that this is,

1069. This is something that's never going to happen.

1070. Your shirt is stupid.

1071. Grow up.

1072. If I have to wait for you to become Kurt Cobain,

1073. I'm never going to be a mother.

1074. I never said I'd be a good father.

1075. I called Gerta Rauss and she said that she can represent both of us.

1076. It's called a "collaborative divorce. "

1077. It's all the rage right now, supposedly.

1078. And it would be pretty easy because we don't have any children.

1079. Thanks for making the call, I guess.

1080. Have you found a place to stay yet?

1081. - Yeah, downtown. - A hotel?

1082. No, it's not a hotel. It's a loft.

1083. Aren't you the cool guy?

1084. I wanted a baby so bad.

1085. I know.

1086. - It looks like a bill from Jiffy-Lube. - It's for me.

1087. I never realize how much I like being home unless

1088. I've been somewhere really different for a while.

1089. Hey, Dad.

1090. Hey, big puffy version of Junebug.

1091. Where have you been?

1092. Dealing with things way beyond my maturity level.

1093. Where is everybody?

1094. Bren took Liberty Bell to her tot ice skating class.

1095. When will you guys learn that tots can't ice skate?

1096. You're looking a little morose, honey.

1097. What's eating you?

1098. I'm just, like, losing my faith with humanity.

1099. Can you narrow that down for me?

1100. I just...

1101. wonder if...

1102. two people can stay together for good.

1103. You mean like couples?

1104. Yeah, like,

1105. People in love.

1106. Are you having boy trouble 'cause I gotta be honest;

1107. I don't really much approve of you dating in your condition,

1108. That's kind of messed up.

1109. No, dad!

1110. I mean, that's pretty skanky.

1111. Isn't that what you girls call it? Skanky? Skeevy?

1112. Please stop.

1113. Tore up from the floor up?

1114. That's not what it's about.

1115. I just need to know that it's possible that two people can stay happy together forever.

1116. It's not easy, that's for sure.

1117. I don't have the best track record in the world, I know, but,

1118. I've been with your stepmother for ten years now,

1119. and I'm proud to say that we're very happy.

1120. Look...

1121. In my opinion...

1122. The best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are.

1123. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty,

1124. Handsome, what have you,

1125. the right person is still gonna think the sun shines out of your ass.

1126. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.

1127. Yeah.

1128. I think I've found that person.

1129. Yeah, sure you have. Your old D-A-D!

1130. You know I'll always be there to love you, support you, no matter what kind of pickle you're in.

1131. Obviously.

1132. Dad, I think I'm just gonna,

1133. shove out for a sec, but,

1134. I won't be home late.

1135. Okay.

1136. You were talking about me, right?

1137. Oh, yeah.

1138. Hi.

1139. Did you put like a hundred things of tic tacs in my mailbox?

1140. Oh, yeah, that was me.

1141. Why?

1142. They're your fave.

1143. You can never have too many of your favorite one-calorie breath mint.

1144. Yeah, well thanks, I...

1145. I think I'm pretty much set until college on the tic tac front.

1146. You know, Bleek, I was thinking.

1147. I'm sorry I was such a huge bitch to you. You don't deserve it.

1148. It's okay.

1149. Also,

1150. I think I'm in love with you.

1151. What, you mean as friends?

1152. No.

1153. I mean, for real.

1154. Because you're, like, the coolest person I've ever met.

1155. And you don't even have to try.

1156. I try really hard, actually.

1157. You're, like, naturally smart.

1158. You're not like everyone else.

1159. You don't stare at my stomach all the time, you look at my face.

1160. And every time I see you, the baby starts kicking super hard.

1161. It does?

1162. I think it's because my heart starts pounding everytime I see you.

1163. Mine too.

1164. That's all I could ask for.

1165. You're golden, man.

1166. Can we make out now?

1167. Yeah.

1168. You know, you can go into early labor sucking face like that!

1169. Dad!

1170. What?

1171. Dad, either I just peed my pants or...

1172. Or?

1173. Thundercats are go!

1174. All out, all out!

1175. Do you have the admittance form?

1176. What about the parking stickers?

1177. Have you got Liberty Bell?

1178. Oh, sweetie, sweetie!

1179. Here we go.

1180. Hurry! Start the car, go!

1181. Gas!

1182. - Wait, wait! - Out of the way!

1183. - Don't do that. - What?

1184. - That. - But it's fun!

1185. Bren, when do I get that friggin' Spinal Tap thing?

1186. It's called a spinal block, and you can't have it yet, honey.

1187. The doctor said you're not dilated enough.

1188. Come on! I have to wait for it to get worse?

1189. Why can't I just have the friggin' thing now?

1190. Honey, doctors are sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream.

1191. Oh, shit.

1192. Excuse me! Can we give my kid the damn spinal tap already?

1193. And then...

1194. out of nowhere...

1195. there it was...

1196. There he was.

1197. I decided not to call Bleeker to tell him that I was having the baby.

1198. He had a big meet against Manteno and I didn't want him to get all worried about me.

1199. But he figured it out anyway.

1200. Someday you'll be back here, honey.

1201. On your terms.

1202. Hey.

1203. Nice legs.

1204. Bleeker decided he didn't want to see the baby.

1205. Neither did I, really. He didn't feel like ours.

1206. I think he was always hers.

1207. Would you like to meet your son?

1208. I have a son?

1209. How do I look?

1210. Like a new mom.

1211. Scared shitless.

1212. It ended with a chair.

1213. As boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss. He is the cheese to my macaroni.

1214. I know people are supposed to fall in love before they reproduce, but,

1215. I guess normalcy's not really our style.

1216. Hey.

1217. Hey.

1218. Ready?

1219. Yeah.