Johnson Family Vacation (2004)

1. We here. We are here. (CHUCKLES)

2. I can't believe we at Three Tizzle, the hottest shop in La Lizzie.

3. English, son. Remember, we're in America.

4. Son, your Uncle Mack is gonna trip.

5. Man, when I first left Caruthersville, all I had was a $50 Gremlin and a Jheri curl.

6. Look at me now. Pushing a fully-loaded, brand-new Lincoln Navigator.

7. Come on, Dad. Compared to these trucks,

8. (SCOFFS) yours is wack.

9. - What? - I'm just saying. Don't get all mad at me.

10. They're nice. Got your Ferrari, Lotus, but it's no Lincoln. That's what I'm saying.

11. (JAMAICAN ACCENT) Hello, mon.

12. Welcome to 310 Motoring. How may I help you?

13. I'm Nate Johnson. Ls my truck ready?

14. Yes, it is, mon. You're the insurance guy. I remember your truck.

15. Oh, snap. Hey.

16. Yo, that's Kurupt. I sent him my demo tape, like, two weeks ago.

17. Just act like you my bodyguard.

18. And if he come over, just call me MC D to the Jizzay. (LAUGHS)

19. - Hear that? - Call you who to the "whizzay"?

20. I named you Davernius James

21. after your granddaddy. Street name stuff isn't marketable.

22. This rap thing, son, there's no future in it.

23. There's no pension, no 401 (k) plan,

24. and obviously no dental.

25. That's why they all have those gold teeth.

26. Dad. Dad, come on. Dad, come on.

27. Now, that's what I call a fully-loaded 'gator for the haters. (LAUGHS)

28. The platinum grill, Burberry interior.

29. Hydraulic switches, three-wheel motion... And look at the wheels.

30. - Oh, boy. - Son, that Crenshaw crap kills the resale.

31. Now, what self-respecting lawyer or doctor would drive this thing now?

32. - Dr. Dre. - Boy, he ain't no real doctor.

33. Come here. Now, look, son, my car will be your car

34. in three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10 years.

35. And I don't want you thugging it up.

36. But, Dad, then why are we here?

37. We're here to install my 8-track player so I can listen to my music on the trip.

38. Listen, if you wanted to go old-school, have them install your record player.

39. Boy, you know those videos got your head all mixed-up?

40. Now, back in my day, you couldn't have just two hit songs

41. and call yourself having a good record. No, the whole album had to be good.

42. Just put it on, let it play. Wasn't like that mess you listen to today.

43. All that "Rub me and lick me and suck me."

44. Gotta wear a condom just to listen to some of it.

45. Oh.

46. Oh, no, no, no. Tell me this is not my truck.

47. Yes it is, insurance man. Beautiful, isn't it? This truck has TVs in the floors

48. and the headrests, a Nike airbag,

49. even new 26-inch rims just approved for public use.

50. Not by me. The only thing I approved was an 8-track.

51. Now, where is it?

52. Oh, the Delco.

53. It must have been a mix-up

54. - made by my brother, who we fired. - Well, imagine that, Ziggy Marley.

55. Now, I suggest you get that junk off my truck right now

56. before I flip you upside down and mop the floor with you.

57. Wait. Shh. Shh. Don't be so violent.

58. Calm down. Now, I can't just take it off.

59. It's gonna take about

60. - one Jamaica, three... Three days. - Oh, no. Three days? No, no, no.

61. In three days, I've gotta be in Missouri. Which means I'm on the I-10 by 10.

62. No worries.

63. Just take it. And bring it back exactly how it is.

64. - No charge. - Whoa.

65. Better not be no charge to me.

66. Look, what about my 8-track?

67. It has eight-track, nine-track, 10-track. It's a CD player.

68. Don't worry, boss man. Your ride will glide.

69. D.J.: Dad, hit the switches.

70. Up, up. Down. (LAUGHING)

71. - (FRUSTRATED GROAN) - Yeah.

72. - Oh!

73. This don't make sense. D. J., how do you turn this thing off?

74. She's all looking at us. What's up, baby?

75. Hey, this hot, huh?

76. Oh, snap. Yo, Dad. Look.

77. 310 dropped the navigation in the car. Look.

78. It's going up, UP, UP-

79. But here's the fun part.

80. Los Angeles to Caruthersville, Missouri.

81. Los Angeles to Caruthersville.

82. Distance, 1888.9 miles.

83. (SCOFFS) That's all I need, is another woman telling me what to do.

84. Girl, wanna know my perfect outfit? I'm thinking J.Io's jeans...

85. You know, the ones she had at the MTV awards?

86. No, no. But Eve's top at the AMAs? That was hot. I would rock that.

87. Open the door.

88. Tried that.

89. Here. Use this.

90. Hold on.

91. - Hello? - Nikki. Open the door.

92. Nikki, let your sister get her dog's stuff.

93. - Okay. - Hmm.

94. Your father's supposed to be here. So get off the phone, finish packing,

95. and change that outfit.

96. Don't you answer that phone.

97. - Whoever it is can call when you get back. - Okay.

98. - (LAUGHING) Did you see that? - Yeah.

99. - Dad, did you see that? - Yeah, I saw it.

100. Boy, give me the phone. Phone ain't for you.

101. Upstairs, D.J. Hello?

102. Hey, Mama. No, I told you.

103. - We 'll be there in three days. - I'm surprised.

104. Because Ms. Uppity makes you back out every year.

105. I don't know why that woman doesn't like me.

106. Come on, Mama. You did throw cooked rice at our wedding.

107. - Is that woman even coming? - Yeah. She is packing right now.

108. Hold on, your brother Mack just got here with a flat-screen TV.

109. - Hey, Mama. - You always thinking about your mama.

110. All the time, girl.

111. Set it right over there between J.F.K. and Jesus.

112. - No, no. Mack got you a plasma TV? - I don't know, is that what you call it?

113. - Hey, here, talk to your brother. - All right.

114. Hey, little bro, what's going on?

115. Hey, man. What happened to the 35-inch I just sent Mama?

116. Don't worry about it. She... She using it.

117. You planning on coming here and winning

118. my "Family of the Year" trophy? (LAUGHING)

119. Man, what trophy? I'm not thinking about no trophy.

120. I'm just bringing my family to see Mama.

121. That's thoughtful of you, baby bro,

122. seeing as you ain't been here in four years.

123. - You trying to start something? - No, no. I ain't trying to start nothing.

124. It's just, you ain't been here in so long, I think you're trying to hide something.

125. You do remember the rules, don't you? You can't win Family of the Year

126. - if you ain't a family. - I know.

127. So I strongly suggest, if you wanna win yourself a trophy or something,

128. you ought to start coaching Little League.

129. My little brother Nate. Hey, Mama.

130. Hey, look. Man, I know he didn't hang up.

131. Hello? All right, all right.

132. Yo, Dad.

133. Look, I'm really tired, going back and forth.

134. I mean, we gotta go all the way over there.

135. Then we gotta go all the way over here. And then we gotta go all...

136. All right, all right, I get it. Look, things are gonna be okay.

137. If they weren't, we wouldn't be going on this trip together.

138. Your mother and I are gonna work things out. Don't worry. Okay?

139. - All right. - All right, buckle up.

140. Lock your door. Close your vent.

141. - Don't touch the radio. - All right.

142. - I said, don't touch the radio. - My bad.

143. Dorothy, Nikki, let's go!

144. - You wanna learn how to drive? - Oh, yeah, for sure.

145. Give me your hand. Here's your first lesson.

146. Let's go!

147. - Calm down, Nate. We'll be out in a minute. - (EXHALES SHARPLY)

148. Let's go.

149. - Oh, no, don't even think about it. - Dang, Dad.

150. Man, what would I do without my Mike Tyson Griddle?

151. Tastes so good, it'll bite you back. (CHUCKLES)

152. - Let me go get these women. - Yeah, do that.

153. Ladies? Come on, let's go. We gotta be on the I-10 by 10.

154. And it's 9:42. Let's roll.

155. Oh, no, no, no.

156. Don't tell me you're bringing your schoolwork on this trip.

157. Yes. I have a test when I get back.

158. - Why don't you study when we get back. - Will you help me with the bags, please?

159. D. J., help your mother with her bags.

160. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

161. Running like you stole something. Say hello.

162. - Hello, sweetie. - Hey, Mom.

163. - You mean you gotta do this every... - (LAUGHING)

164. Yeah, you right. My belly button is way better than Beyoncé's.

165. What? Now, see, you going a little far now. I ain't putting chocolate syrup in it.

166. - No way... - Get off that phone

167. and change that outfit.

168. You're living under my roof, play by my rules.

169. No boys on the phone, on the answering machine, stopping by all hours.

170. - Don't you roll your eyes at me. - That's right.

171. I didn't want you to have a cell phone in the first place. Your father's idea.

172. Y'all arguing about the wrong thing. Who made sandwiches?

173. And did you get the Planters Cheez Balls? You know I like them.

174. Nate. You see what she's wearing?

175. Actually, both y'all need to change.

176. You know my mama don't like pink.

177. (SCOFFS) Nate. Cheez Balls.

178. Daddy, I made this outfit myself.

179. Get upstairs and finish making the rest of it.

180. - But it took me... - I'm your father, I know what's best.

181. Now, let's go change.

182. - (HUFFS) - I-10 by 10. Let's go, people!

183. - Hi, Daddy. - Hi, cutie.

184. - And how are you? - Good. You?

185. - You look so nice. You ready for the trip? - Yeah.

186. Nate, what happened to your car?

187. - It looks like a purse on wheels. - Then you should feel right at home.

188. There you go, son. If that rapping doesn't work out,

189. you'll make one hell of a bellboy.

190. Go ahead.

191. All right, sweetie, let's get you in the car.

192. All right, upsy-goesy.

193. Okay, better.

194. Remember, baby girl, I have a very special birthday party

195. planned for you at Bun World.

196. Yeah!

197. Wait, Daddy. Don't leave Sir Barks-a-Lot.

198. He's going to miss my birthday.

199. Sweetie, there is no dog, okay?

200. Nate, get the dog.

201. There.

202. - There you go. - Thanks, Dad.

203. What the hell?

204. - Nikki, this better be FTD. Yoo-hoo!

205. - He's old enough to be your granddaddy. - Or Mom's big daddy.

206. "Yoo-hoo, Dorothy"?

207. Nikki.

208. You ain't tell me Mama's been creeping.

209. I didn't tell you because you a kid.

210. - See, there you go. - I'm Nate Johnson.

211. - We use those flowers for his funeral. - I reserved our table at Starbucks.

212. Thanks for the book, Stan.

213. I really can't accept the flowers.

214. Why not? I spent all week picking them.

215. - We're study partners, that's it. - What do you mean?

216. I mean I don't want you to get the wrong idea.

217. - What's up, bro? - Hello, brother.

218. Stan Turner.

219. Nate Johnson.

220. - Husband, 16 years. - Nate, don't start.

221. I'm just trying to take my family down to the reunion.

222. You know us, some Spades, couple of family arguments,

223. - some softball. - Whoa.

224. Careful there. Getting just a little...

225. What is wrong with you?

226. Stan, wait.

227. "Stan, wait"? I didn't get the memo.

228. - When did we start seeing other people? - Nate, don't test me.

229. I agreed to this trip because it's Destiny's birthday tomorrow.

230. Fine. Fine.

231. Fine.

232. Nate Johnson.

233. Capricorn. Check my dental records, Jack.

234. So where'd you meet him?

235. That so-called accounting class?

236. So that's what this is all about? Me becoming a CPA?

237. I thought we settled that when I moved out.

238. Oh, so I'm the bad guy? Because I wanted you to raise our kids?

239. I can be a wife, a mother and pursue my career, too.

240. - Hey, my mother did it. - (CHUCKLING) Right. Yeah.

241. That's why the last time I saw your brother, he was your sister.

242. Mommy, I'm hungry.

243. Hey, Nikki, can you get your sister some Froot Loops, please?

244. - Shut up. - Destiny, sweetie.

245. Be very careful in Daddy's new truck.

246. Look, everybody else, this truck has to go back exactly the way it is.

247. If you break something, I've gotta pay for it.

248. Oops.

249. Sorry, Dad.

250. That's okay, sweetie. Don't worry about it.

251. All right, I-10 by 10:03.

252. Damn. We're late.

253. You know you ought to slow down

254. You've been working too hard and that's a fact

255. Sit back and relax a while

256. Take the time to laugh and smile

257. We can do it. Take your time to it right

258. We can do it, baby

259. Do it tonight Take your time

260. - Yo, Dad, who is that? - That's S.O.S., son.

261. I wish somebody can come rescue me right now.

262. Now, Nate, be fair. Just load half of your CDs and half of his.

263. I'll load half of his CDs when he pays half of my car loan.

264. Nate.

265. Fine. But I like my music nonviolent with limited cussing.

266. So nobody who's been shot.

267. Here, come here. Give me this.

268. Okay, right here. Tupac Shakur.

269. Shot.

270. - Nate. Nate, what... - Notorious B.l.G...

271. - ... shot. - Hey, Dad, what are you doing? Mom?

272. - C-Murder... - Wait, stop. Dad, C-Murder wasn't shot.

273. Yeah, but with a name like that, he should've been.

274. - Sam Cooke. Wait, what are you doing?

275. Shot.

276. Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's Sam Cooke. That's "born by the river."

277. You gonna make me pull this car over.

278. - Marvin Gaye. - Hey, hey.

279. Shot.

280. That is one of the greatest singers...

281. - He threw out Marvin Gaye. - He was shot.

282. By his daddy.

283. - Twice. - What are you...

284. - Al Green. - Wait a minute, now. He wasn't shot.

285. - That was hot grits. - That was close enough. Shot.

286. That man is a reverend. My pastor. What is wrong with you?

287. How am I supposed to go to church?

288. Daddy, no one's been shot on this one.

289. (SINGING) Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O

290. And on this farm he had a pig, E-I-E-I-O

291. With an oink-oink here And an oink-oink there

292. Daddy, why aren't you singing?

293. With a quack-quack here and a quack-quack there

294. Here a quack, there a quack Everywhere a quack-quack

295. Hey.

296. - Hey, hey. - D.J.: Hey. Dad.

297. - Nate, what are you doing? - Little shortcut.

298. Yeah.

299. - (TRUCK HORN BLARES) - Oh!

300. Did you see this fool? What is he...

301. Come on.

302. I'll show this redneck what a brother looks like with a V8. Riding 300 horses.

303. That's right, baby. I got the zoom-zoom for your boom-boom right there. Yeah.

304. Daddy, look at the cute little baby.

305. Yeah, sucker.

306. Tenderwipe that. (LAUGHING)

307. Yeah.

308. That's driving right there. You know what I'm saying?

309. That's all right, right there.

310. Hey, Dad. Dad, get the bags.

311. Everybody all right? Get the bags! Get the Cheez Balls.

312. All my music... Man, them my church shoes. Oh, my God.

313. Nate, do something. - Oh, my God.

314. - Hold on! - Daddy.

315. - What is he doing? - Everybody hold on tight!

316. You all right, everybody? - Yeah, I'm fine. Guess I showed him.

317. (CHUCKLES) You sure did.

318. Oh, my God.

319. Oh.

320. Ooh.

321. That was close there. Anybody else wanna drive?

322. You are now entering Arizona,

323. the Grand Canyon state.

324. Nate, the kids are tired. It's been a long day.

325. Let's just start fresh tomorrow.

326. Oh, I guess watching me drive wore you guys out, huh?

327. We're not scheduled to stop until Boulder City.

328. - I don't plan on stopping till we get there. - Well, that's a shame.

329. Because there's nothing that I wouldn't do for

330. a nice, hot

331. bath.

332. Anything?

333. Anything.

334. All right.

335. - Dang, Dad. - Here we go.

336. Okay.

337. Okay, you guys wait right here, I'll get the rooms.

338. - Welcome, and here are your keys. - Thank you.

339. You know, I'm planning a special evening tonight.

340. Do you have any roses, champagne, box of fine chocolates?

341. - No. - Oh.

342. Well, I'll take a couple chocolate Easter bunnies. Let me get the...

343. diet champagne?

344. - And all the candles that you have. - We don't carry candles.

345. Okay, well, is that... Yeah, give me a road flare.

346. - That's for emergency use only. - This is an emergency.

347. Does your wife

348. - know what you're up to? - Well, actually, no, she doesn't.

349. I'm keeping this a little bit of secret from her.

350. - Oh, yes, I bet. I bet you are. - (LAUGHING)

351. Listen, player. I don't know what kind of twisted affair you're having

352. - but it won't happen in my hotel. - Oh, no... Whoa, whoa, whoa.

353. Please. Look,

354. I have a surprise evening planned for my lovely wife.

355. She's right outside in the car with the kids.

356. I mean, that's why I got the two rooms.

357. That's the sweetest thing I've heard in years.

358. And take all your goodies. Free of charge. On me.

359. Oh, Gladys, you don't have to do all that. Thank you.

360. Please. Husbands like you give me hope.

361. You got a brother?

362. Uncle? (CHUCKLES)

363. - How old is your son? - Gladys?

364. - You're cutting off my circulation. - Oh, sorry.

365. Hey.

366. Your room isn't ready yet, but I'm going to check on it.

367. Meanwhile, why don't you

368. get the kids settled in.

369. And I'll see you in a second.

370. Oh, yeah.

371. Swimming trunks, please.

372. - Charge it to the room. Thank you. - You got it.

373. Oh, yes, he does.

374. - Nate, what are you doing? - I just

375. brought you a little something to help you relax.

376. That's what I'm talking about, right there.

377. Some bubbles with the bubbles.

378. Plus, some chocolates.

379. Gonna get in there with you, girl.

380. Mm-hmm.

381. Oh! Oh.

382. That's all right there, boy.

383. That's a... Whoo.

384. You in here cooking neck bones, girl?

385. Whoo.

386. Gonna fool around, make some coffee in here. All right.

387. That is... That is wa... That's warm.

388. Oh, man.

389. Yeah. You know,

390. it's been a long time since I've been in our Jacuzzi.

391. I was thinking,

392. maybe we can do that thing

393. we used to do in our Jacuzzi.

394. Nate. I am not getting my hair wet.

395. - Besides, we haven't solved anything. - Well,

396. we could solve one thing right now.

397. Either here or back up at the room.

398. - You know, it's been three months. - Yeah, it's been three months.

399. That's what I'm saying. It's been three months.

400. - Yeah, three months. - Right. Ninety days, right?

401. How about we go up to the roof.

402. Oh, yeah?

403. Or better yet, why don't we go out to the truck.

404. No, baby. Anywhere but the truck. I got to turn that back in.

405. Maybe we can do...

406. - Really? - Mm-hmm.

407. - No. - Yeah.

408. You serious?

409. In here? You serious?

410. We ain't never done that before, girl.

411. Girl, you're crazy. You wild.

412. You going back to your old days.

413. Yeah. All right, come on, your turn.

414. Um...

415. You know, I gotta go to the bathroom.

416. I'll be right back. Bathroom.

417. Dorothy, you coming back, right? Don't just leave me out here all alone.

418. Dorothy, come on, quit playing.

419. - Oh, no. - Good night, Nate.

420. Dorothy!

421. All right... Dorothy.

422. See what you did?

423. Come on, Dorothy. Why you...

424. What the hell? What's going on?

425. - Why y'all all up on me? - (ALL LAUGHING)

426. Yeah. (CLEARS THROAT)

427. Uh-oh.

428. Ladies, if y'all see a snake,

429. trust me, he won't bite you.

430. - Diet champagne. - Easter bunnies, my favorite.

431. What the...

432. Ohhh.

433. Nate.

434. So. Mr. Johnson.

435. - Which one's your wife? - It's not what it looks like.

436. Well, guess you won't be needing these.

437. Oh, no, come on. I'm gonna need those.

438. Come on, Gladys...

439. Well, ladies,

440. I have to go see a man about a horse. Get out of here...

441. Y'all have a pleasant evening. Watch it.

442. - Hey, come on, now. - We won't peek.

443. Hey. Oh.

444. - I saw you. Watch your hands. - Bull's-eye. Bull's-eye.

445. I'm not like that. Come on, now, I belong to somebody, okay? Come on.

446. Now, y'all don't look. I'm shy. Don't...

447. Whoo!

448. Who did your bikini wax?

449. Hey, girl. How was the treatment?

450. It was wonderful.

451. There'll be plenty of time for that tomorrow, okay?

452. Hey. Tom. Judy.

453. How you guys doing? It's a mighty fine evening.

454. Get rid of the kids and the clothes. We're all playing butt-naked UNO up in 304.

455. Nate.

456. Yes?

457. You know what you're doing?

458. Mm-hmm.

459. - Well, could you stop? - Nope.

460. Why take this out on me? You brought this on yourself.

461. - Hello? Hello, pumpkin.

462. - Hey, you. - Where are you?

463. Outside of Santa Fe, New Mexico.

464. - "You"? Who is "you"? - Stan, please,

465. - I'm with my family. - I understand...

466. - Study partner, my... - Dad.

467. What's that big building over there, right over there? That's a mall?

468. It's more than a mall, sweetie. That's Outlet 800.

469. It's over 800 top designers' wholesale outlets.

470. - I just read about it in my travel guide. - Daddy, can we stop and check it out?

471. Oh, no, sweetie. No, no.

472. No can do. We could lose the afternoon in their state-of-the-art day spa they built.

473. It's great, but know what? I got something better planned for us.

474. We'll stop at Little Tanawanda Village.

475. Nikki, that was your favorite place when you were little.

476. Nate, she was 2 years old.

477. I didn't sign up for an old Indian village,

478. or to see the world's largest ball of yarn. You said family reunion.

479. That means straight to Caruthersville and straight back. "The I-10 by 10."

480. Oh, yeah, that's funny. That's funny, Dorothy.

481. You know what? This is important, okay?

482. Now, I didn't tell you this before, but

483. I'm 1/8th and 3/14ths Cherokee.

484. - (GROANS) - That's why I got the baby hair.

485. - And sometime I have to shave... - Where's this baby hair?

486. You know that get me started.

487. Man, I'm not... Pardon me.

488. Excuse me, can you tell me, where's Little Tanawanda?

489. This is Little Tanawanda.

490. - Dad, I'm in the arcade. - Okay, son.

491. You mean to tell me that this is Little Tanawanda?

492. - Yeah. - Okay. All right. My man.

493. Why don't you just lead me to some,

494. real, old-school Indians that are still keeping it real.

495. Wait right here. I think I know someone

496. who can show you how to get to where the real Indians live.

497. - Thank you. - Be right back.

498. Hey, Navarro, we got a big spender over here,

499. wants to know where the real Indians live.

500. Daddy, can we go now?

501. Just a second, babe, all right? I got a little something working right here.

502. Dad, can we go now?

503. Hey, we're about to get directions to a real Indian village.

504. Daddy, I don't care about no Indian village. All I want...

505. Take our time and get those directions.

506. How.

507. - My name is Navarro. - Uh-huh.

508. I hear you seek real Indian village. I think I can help you

509. and your daughter.

510. We are here.

511. Way at the top.

512. If you follow Running Bear River south, as the sparrow flies,

513. then take Walking Buffalo Road east a half moon to the crossing...

514. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

515. That's way too much energy there, Red Bull.

516. All right? Bring it down.

517. And then ride bareback 20 horse trots.

518. I'm in a truck, all right? A Lincoln Navigator.

519. Just take I-53 northeast.

520. Okay, I'm gonna check out the service road.

521. - What was your name? - Navarro.

522. - Okay, I see what... - Okay.

523. In the land of my ancestors, some tribes may be

524. reluctant to embrace you.

525. Therefore, I recommend you wear something that gives you authority.

526. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I remember wearing one of these.

527. Yeah, that's right. I can make it rain. (CHANTING) Hi, how are you

528. Hi, how are you. Hi, how are you

529. I'm going to lunch. Here's my number in case you get lost.

530. There you go. All right.

531. Hey, back off my daughter, man,

532. before you end up being called Little Broken Jaw.

533. - Daddy, what are you doing? - Come here. What is your problem?

534. You know what? I am not a little girl anymore. Those days are way over.

535. - I can handle myself. - You can what? You know what?

536. You're gonna get handled, you keep talking...

537. You've been gone 3 months and you tell me what to do?

538. You live up the street, remember?

539. You remember you're gonna need allowance money, that's what...

540. Get in the car.

541. And you, I don't fight an Indian, all right? I dance with wolves, okay?

542. And as for you, little Miss Pocahontas,

543. until we get to the reunion, your fast tail is grounded.

544. - You can't ground me in no oar. - I can't ground you?

545. How about no more TV.

546. - So? I ain't watching no TV. - No more computer.

547. - And no more cell phone. - Daddy.

548. See? Just like home.

549. You are now entering Colorado,

550. the Centennial State.

551. Look, Daddy. That lady needs a ride.

552. Kids, look, if I'd never taught you anything else, never pick up strangers.

553. She could have just as well been a serial killer.

554. We are in the middle of nowhere. Tell me you're not about to pick up a hitchhiker.

555. Baby, what would Jesus do?

556. Thanks for picking me up. And opening the door.

557. No one does that no more.

558. You must be a real man.

559. (STAMMERING) I'm Nate Johnson and that's Nikki.

560. - Hi. - That's D.J.

561. - Hey, what's up? - And that's little Destiny.

562. And this is Dorothy. She lives down the street.

563. - Daddy. - Well, it's true. She does.

564. So, what's your name?

565. Chrishelle. Chrishelle Rene Boudreaux.

566. Boudreaux? You hear that?

567. Don't we have some Boudreauxs down in Shreveport?

568. You know, I thought you had that Johnson look.

569. If you're family, you should go to Caruthersville with us.

570. - It's our family reunion. - D.J., you can't

571. give out that information to strangers.

572. No offense, Chrishelle.

573. I understand. There are some crazy people out there.

574. Hey, Nikki, take a picture of me and Chrishelle.

575. No,no, no.

576. Some people say if you're ever caught on film, you lose your soul.

577. Are we there yet? I'm starving.

578. No, Daddy, I'm about to pass out.

579. Hold on, everyone. Heaven is just around the corner. Bun World, one mile.

580. I want Chuck E. Cheese.

581. What are you doing? Are your braids too tight? Put that down.

582. You know we say grace. And since Chrishelle is our guest,

583. I'd like you to bless the food. If you don't mind.

584. Sure. All right. Close your eyes.

585. - God is great, God is... - Daddy, Sir Barks-a-Lot ran away.

586. No, baby. No, he didn't. Now, come on.

587. Sweetie. Okay, all right.

588. - I love you, Sir Barks-a-Lot. - Sit back down. Will you finish saying...

589. - (GROANS) Honey, you got me. - Sorry, Daddy.

590. - I'll get it. - No, you won't.

591. - What? - Look,

592. I'm gonna go to the restroom and get this off. Finish blessing the food.

593. Excuse me. I called about the birthday cake.

594. They're doing the finishing touches now.

595. - Where is your bathroom? - Just past the pool table.

596. God is great, God is good. Let us thank him for our food.

597. Friends of the night, please cover us.

598. Black as a pit, deeper than the depths of the abyss.

599. I call upon the power of darkness to help me cast this unbreakable spell.

600. Make us all as one,

601. Chrishelle, Dorothy, Nikki, Destiny, Nate and his son.

602. Amen.

603. Okay. Alrighty. Here we go.

604. Hey, buddy, you okay in there?

605. Because it smell like the circus done came to town.

606. Damn it. No toilet paper.

607. Oh, Well.

608. Ah, my cake spatula.

609. Almost forgot that.

610. Hey, buddy, you know how to spell Destiny? Never mind.

611. - I'll figure it out. Enjoy your lunch. - (GROANING)

612. I know the Navigator is supposed to seat eight people comfortably

613. but I don't think they meant all in the front seat.

614. Dorothy, I've got us a couple of rooms here.

615. - One for guys, one for girls. - Looks like we're roommates.

616. - Yeah, adjoining rooms. - Nate, sweetie,

617. why don't we give our guest a room for herself.

618. You know how Destiny loves to snore the paint off the walls.

619. And you can sleep with me and the kids.

620. Oh, yeah, that's funny. Maybe we can just meet in the hot tub again.

621. I don't mind sharing.

622. - Snoring doesn't bother me none. - See, she doesn't mind.

623. No, Nate, I insist you sleep with me.

624. Okay, all right, the begging is not becoming of you.

625. Good night.

626. I'll see y'all tomorrow.

627. I'll see you in a minute.

628. - What is going on? - You're slacking on your pimping, Dad.

629. You need to ditch her.

630. Let me see those toes. Are they nice and clean? Yeah?

631. - Yeah, Mom. - Yeah, Mom.

632. - Stop playing. - You stop.

633. - Go back. - Stop hogging the TV.

634. Why don't you go talk on your cell phone.

635. Oh, I forgot. You grounded.

636. - I can't stand your little butt. - Capital G...

637. - Why'd you do that? Why'd you do that? - All right. Enough.

638. I guess I found the only Chuck E. Cheese in the whole state.

639. I'm the oldest. I'm the oldest.

640. Settle down. No one eats until your sister eats.

641. - It's her birthday. - Daddy.

642. Okay.

643. All right.

644. Here we go.

645. I hope she enjoys this.

646. Destiny? Daddy's got a surprise for you.

647. (SINGING) Lovin'you has made my life so beautiful

648. And every day of my life is filled with lovin' you

649. Hit it.

650. (CHUCKLES) You got it.

651. Nate, stop it. Stay on your side of the bed.

652. Nate, I'm serious, now.

653. Hey, it's not me. I'm on my side.

654. - Stop hogging all the covers. - All right, all right.

655. - (SNARLS) - Aaah!

656. What?

657. Get up! Get up, Dorothy! Get up, kids!

658. There's an alligator over there! Get up! Get up!

659. - Daddy! - Alligator.

660. I'm gonna do something! I'm gonna do something.

661. Use the shoe! Do the shoe!

662. All right, I got it! I got it.

663. - Careful, Daddy. - Dad, the shoe! The shoe!

664. - Daddy! - Everybody get back there.

665. - Daddy, go get that alligator, Dad. - Hit it hard!

666. Go get the alligator! Kill him!

667. Stop this! I know what I'm doing! I got what I'm...

668. - I don't know what I'm doing. - Daddy, be careful.

669. Daddy, you're struggling. You're struggling.

670. Daddy, I'm coming. I'm helping you.

671. D.J. D.J., no, don't go in there.

672. I got you. I got you.

673. - Get him, Dad. - I got him.

674. Get him, Dad. Punch him.

675. He'll beat you up.

676. - I got him. Yeah. - Get him, Dad.

677. - Hey, hold up. - I got him. I got him.

678. You can't drown no alligator. They live in water. This their habitat.

679. - I'm gonna flush him. - That's right, Dad. Flush him.

680. - Twinky? Twinky. - Twinky?

681. It's not bath night.

682. - You know this thing? - Oh, come to Mama.

683. - Oh, Twinky wouldn't hurt a fly. - Let's go.

684. Shh. Dorothy, your shoes are too noisy. Take them off.

685. - D.J., carry Destiny. - I got her.

686. You are now entering Kansas,

687. the Sunflower State.

688. Yo, Dad, can we pull over?

689. No, son, we can't stop. I can already smell my mama's cooking.

690. But I really need to go. It'll only take a sec.

691. D.J., we just stopped in WaKeeney.

692. I warned you about drinking all those Pepsis so close together.

693. You're just gonna have to learn a lesson.

694. Think of something dry, like

695. your mama's meat loaf.

696. - Come on, Dad. - We are not stopping.

697. You know, son,

698. the only reason I'm hard on you is

699. because one day you'll wear the pants in your own family.

700. People will depend on you.

701. Now, how can they do that if your pants are hanging all off your behind?

702. What are you gonna do if the rap thing doesn't work out?

703. Well, I was thinking about law school

704. or medical school.

705. But then, Mom says she'll help me incorporate.

706. So I was thinking about coming out with my own line of hip-hop pajamas.

707. Pajamas?

708. You know how Puffy has Sean John and then Jigga has Rocawear?

709. - My goodness. - Check this out:

710. "D.J.'s P.J.s, baggy always." Bad.

711. I told your mom not to stand by the microwave when she was pregnant.

712. Wait a minute. What the hell?

713. Wait a minute.

714. Stan? Stan. Yeah, right.

715. There you go, Stanley.

716. Yeah.

717. Man, where is my...

718. - Let me get a swallow of your drink. - No, no, no. Dad, don't drink that.

719. No, Dad. Dad. Wait.

720. What the...

721. Uh-oh.

722. I wouldn't have done that.

723. Look, I've been driving since before you were born, okay?

724. - But you hit a cop. - I hit a cop?

725. Yep, I hit a cop.

726. Aaah!

727. D.J.: Dad, we off the road.

728. Whoa.

729. Nate, stop!

730. Whoa, whoa.

731. Hey, Dad, what are you doing? Watch out for the truck.

732. No! No.

733. Come on, man. No, come on. I gotta take this car back.

734. Come on, man, this is...

735. You are now entering China.

736. Man, the...

737. I mean, it's gonna cost me a fortune. This is ridiculous.

738. Oh, now the cops.

739. Look, we'll be out of this thing in 60 seconds.

740. Hey, hey, officer. What's going on?

741. CHiPs, I liked that show. You kind of like a chocolate chip.

742. You know, those Chip Ahoy.

743. - Nate, is everything okay? - I can see

744. it's a little hot out here, you got...

745. Look, man, I'm just trying to take my family to the reunion.

746. Know what I'm saying? Can you hook a brother up, brother?

747. Under arrest? All of us? For what, man?

748. Like you don't know. You got rapper rims wrapped around your tires

749. like you had your lips around this reefer pipe.

750. You should be ashamed of yourself, using that poor little girl like a pack mule.

751. If we were two counties south, you would be in the chair.

752. Oh, yeah? Yeah, and I'll sue. I'll sue.

753. Matter of fact, open up the gate.

754. Open it. There ain't nothing but space and opportunity.

755. That's right. Big old swollen-up self.

756. What's that supposed to be? What you gonna do with that?

757. Daddy.

758. (WHIMPERING) Mama.

759. Hey. Hey, brother. I mean, officer.

760. I apologize, Mac. So can we all go now?

761. Tell it to the judge Monday.

762. Monday? Man, I gotta be in Caruthersville by tomorrow.

763. I don't care where the hell you gotta be. You stay here and you shut up.

764. I have an audit tomorrow.

765. Destiny?

766. - Muffins. Tell your mother for me... - Daddy,

767. you said not to talk to drug dealers.

768. - What is going on? - I said, shut it.

769. Excuse me. Sheriff?

770. If you use the 1040 long form, you can write off more

771. - than just doughnuts. - What else could I write off?

772. - Mom's off the chain, huh? - Yeah, she likes this.

773. She all right.

774. I'm still gonna go to Harold's Waffles and Check Cashing

775. to get my taxes done.

776. See, officer, your biggest problem was not enough pre-tax write-offs. That's all.

777. Well, thank you, pretty lady.

778. What can I do for you?

779. How about keys?

780. Nate, the reunion's tomorrow. We're out of cash. We look a mess.

781. Let's just pull over and get ourselves together.

782. No. No. Dorothy, no. Nothing is gonna stop me from getting that trophy.

783. No food stops, no bathroom breaks.

784. Anybody who's tired can sleep in the car.

785. Nate, no. Nate, look at our kids.

786. - Okay. - Okay.

787. All right. I hear you.

788. We'll pull over.

789. Thank you.

790. No way.

791. Nuh-uh.

792. Nope, that's it. Hold on. We're going.

793. Fine, Nate. You can drag us to this family reunion if you want to

794. but don't expect me to pretend we're perfect

795. - just to impress your mama. - What do you mean by that?

796. If she asks me how we're doing, I'll tell her.

797. No, you're not. No. No, Dorothy, no.

798. She was against our marriage from the beginning.

799. I don't care how hard you try, you will not give her

800. - the satisfaction of being right. - Watch me.

801. Nate, how long has the warning light been on?

802. Don't worry. We're not gonna run out of gas.

803. Trust me.

804. - Oh, shoot. - Oh, you gotta be kidding.

805. Come on.

806. - Oh, come on, come on. - All right.

807. Okay. All right, look, don't panic, okay? We can still make it to the reunion.

808. All right, I'll just make a call.

809. Oh, come on. I forgot to recharge the batteries.

810. (SIGHS) Oh, you've gotta be kidding.

811. Looks like there's a phone a couple miles up the road.

812. A couple miles?

813. - I'll be right back. - You're not gonna... Nate.

814. Oh, man. I should run a little bit.

815. Okay, that's enough. That's enough of that.

816. - (cow MOOS) - om

817. Wait. What's up? What's up?

818. All right. Let's see.

819. All right, let's just

820. find a phone, call Uncle Earl. Be simple.

821. Be out of this thing.

822. Oh, shoot.

823. Oh, man, come on. The corn?

824. I ain't going in no corn, nope.

825. This... This...

826. Come on, man. Who would put a phone up on a pole?

827. All right, here we go. Right hand, left foot. Left foot, right hand.

828. Just like Twister. All right, don't look down. Don't look down.

829. Okay, all right. All right.

830. Hello? Operator.

831. I need Earl Johnson.

832. Could you get me Earl Johnson?

833. Uncle Earl, this is Nate. Yeah, right, Glorietta's boy.

834. We ran out of gas on Route 12. Can you come get us?

835. Girl, look like y'all done seen a ghost.

836. It's just you, Uncle Earl.

837. Who you thought it gonna be? Bobby Brown?

838. Hey, that the older girl back there? Girl, you as pretty as new carpet.

839. - Where you staying? - Well, we're on our way to the...

840. Y'all going down to the house? You know, I got room.

841. I got room for you, if you want it. I got double-wide bunk beds.

842. Yeah, I'll sleep on top and you be on the bottom. Either way.

843. You can be on the bottom. I'll take it any way I can get it. Any way I can get it.

844. You hear me? I say I take it

845. - any way I can get it. - I heard you.

846. Don't worry about that. I'll be taking the hood off.

847. - Boy, give me the jackhammer. - All right.

848. Set it down there.

849. - Here we go. That's right. - Whoa!

850. That was our headlight.

851. Good thing you won't need these lights.

852. I think we just need some gas.

853. Gas? You want gas?

854. Try Glorietta's pinto beans. That's what you try, you want gas.

855. I worked on a plane 14, 15 years. I know a little something about a car, okay?

856. You just wait. You keep those sweet legs on the inside. Don't get hurt.

857. Sitting here looking hot butter. Hot-butter yellow. Girl...

858. Looking good. Here, boy.

859. I'll use my heavy artillery. Let me get the tweezers.

860. Oh, these are my eyelash curlers. Yeah, that's more delicate, right there.

861. - All right. All right. - No, no, no.

862. - You need this? - Okay, now, hold on to that.

863. - Hold that for me? - You're killing me.

864. Yo, unc. Come on. Come on.

865. Now, hold this and lean that... Lean that over there for me.

866. Now, hand me the duct tape.

867. What?

868. Whoo!

869. Yeah, these are trusty-dusties.

870. I always use them.

871. Yeah, one of the best things you can use is a curling iron.

872. - So you fixed it, Earl? - Uh-oh.

873. There's two answers to that one.

874. No and not yet.

875. What I realize... You know the funny thing?

876. Y'all ain't got no gas.

877. All this time, you didn't have no gas in there.

878. I can get this running. You know what it is?

879. - It'll run on lawn-mower fluid. - (LAUGHS)

880. Put lawn-mower fluid in. You won't go fast.

881. You'll go about 16 miles an hour, so I'd always say stay in the slow lane.

882. It's going to take you about...

883. Oh, about 16, 17 days to get back to California.

884. But that ain't nothing. Y'all are family.

885. Have a good time. I know what to do

886. to have this car back on its feet and rolling in no time.

887. Hey, Andy! How you doing?

888. - Here you go. - Thank you.

889. Just what you think you doing?

890. - Sticking your fingers in my food. - (TRUCK HORN BLARES)

891. Hey, Uncle Earl. Why don't you park me out back.

892. I don't want nobody to mess with my truck.

893. All right, I hear you, nephew.

894. Hey. Look who I found on the side of the road.

895. - It's Nate and them. - Hey, Uncle Earl.

896. Let us out right here. All right? This is good, right here.

897. Nathaniel. Come here before I have to spank you.

898. Oh, it's Uncle Nate.

899. Oh, Lord, have mercy.

900. - Thanks. - Girl, you look good.

901. If you don't look like hot sauce on a pork rind, I tell you.

902. Come on. Give Uncle Earl some of that. Give me something.

903. You is a hot-butter red bone. Girl, you look delicious.

904. - Like a perfect piece of fried chicken. - Uncle Earl. Uncle Earl.

905. Come on, man. That's my wife.

906. - Come on. - Stop being a player hater.

907. - Can you do something with the truck? - I'll take care of that for you.

908. Don't you worry about it.

909. I'll take the carburetor off there, put it back on there.

910. Take the concrete off. That'll be about 25, 35 dollars.

911. But just bring me back a six-pack of beer.

912. There's where the tree was I told you I fell out of.

913. - And there's the lake I used to fish in. - Hey, second-born. Junior Mint.

914. Mama's little mistake down at the lake. How y'all doing?

915. - Hey, Mack. - Hey, Dorothy, Dorothy, Dorothy.

916. I don't know how you do it.

917. Hey, look, Mama up here at the table. Y'all come on.

918. Hey, Mama.

919. - Grandma! - And there's the birthday girl.

920. Oh, look at you guys. My God, you're getting so big. Look at you.

921. Dorothy. I can't believe we finally got you down here.

922. Guess that means you two are still together.

923. - Well, the truth is... - My goodness.

924. - I can't believe you two made it this far. - The trip's less than 2000 miles.

925. Oh, I'm not talking about miles, baby. Talking about years.

926. - What were you gonna say? - What I was gonna say

927. is that Nate and I are going to renew our wedding vows on Valentine's Day

928. and we would sure love for you to join us.

929. Mmm.

930. Come on. Food's on the table. Family's waiting for you.

931. Both my boys here. This is better than Christmas.

932. Even better than that Christmas I got you that car?

933. You know this ain't no competition.

934. We gonna let Mack and Nate pray. See which one of them

935. was paying attention in Sunday school.

936. Well, I guess since I'm the oldest, I'll go first.

937. Fine.

938. All right, everyone, bow your heads and close your ears.

939. Your eyes. Everybody close your eyes.

940. Gracious God, I come to you as humbly as I know how.

941. Praising you and giving you thanks for bringing us together yet another year.

942. Helping us come together to help celebrate my victory

943. and Nate's agony of defeat. Let us eat.

944. Father God, we thank you for allowing us

945. to come together and share with one another.

946. Father, we know that you created the birds that fly

947. and gave the dogs the voice to bark. (BARKS SOFTLY)

948. But you wouldn't have created the sun if you knew Mack was gonna be in that

949. bright yellow shirt, looking sunny-side up

950. - like a Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity! - Oh, Lord, Lord!

951. We, Father God, also realize

952. that you are the creator of Earth and heaven,

953. moon and the stars.

954. That's how I know ain't no way you had nothing to do

955. with creating that tacky, gangster-looking, wheel-spinning SUV

956. - that Uncle Earl had to drag up in here. - Hold on, Father. Hold up, wait a minute.

957. What about the time you put the Pepto-Bismol in the Kool-Aid

958. and everybody had diarrhea?

959. Don't let me have to mention that to Mama.

960. What about the time you burned down all the bushes around the house

961. because you got tired of getting your switches?

962. Father! (LAUGHING)

963. Need I have to remind Mack while Mama's standing here

964. that he the one that had Nannette Greene in the back room

965. and was doing the nasty on Mama's good quilt

966. - and she couldn't get them stains off - In Jesus' name!

967. - Let's eat. - But, Mama.

968. - But, Mama, look... - Don't make me cuss up in here.

969. - And then there's a lamp head I broke... - I got all the stories. It's great.

970. Let's go visit with Nate's family, who drove all the way in from California.

971. Last time they was here, little Destiny was 2 years old.

972. Hey, Nate! How you doing? Kids, you all right?

973. Hey, how's it going?

974. Kinfolk!

975. I'll be over there in a minute.

976. Cousin Nate. My favorite kinfolk.

977. - Hey, man. - All right.

978. How you doing? You doing all right?

979. Heard you're doing good in insurance.

980. We all proud of you. But I'm especially proud. What did I tell you?

981. I told you two years ago about that.

982. Me, now. "Do that insurance thing." I told you.

983. Look at you now.

984. - Let me hold something. - Come on, Bodie. I just got here.

985. Well, anything... What about them glasses? Them prescription?

986. I'll see if I can do something for you later, all right?

987. All right. You know you my favorite kinfolk.

988. - Yeah. - I'll be right here.

989. - I ain't going nowhere. - I know you not.

990. Watch that move.

991. Why y'all leave me with him?

992. It's time for the event we've all been waiting for.

993. That's right, the 2004 Family of the Year competition.

994. Y'all ready to do this? Johnson family, let's get this started.

995. Crawl like we worked on. Your mom's gonna have your legs.

996. - Mack Jr., he's not... He's nothing. - Don't let him scare you.

997. - Okay. - All right.

998. - Okay. - All right, sweetie.

999. - We're gonna do it, Daddy. - Do it. We need this.

1000. - There they go again. - They need to stop.

1001. Stop that fighting!

1002. - Hey, Mama. - On your mark.

1003. Get set.

1004. Go!

1005. Come on, Junior. You got it, you got it, Mack! Come on!

1006. - You got it, baby! Do it now, Junior! - Go! Come on!

1007. Monkey bar, swing. Monkey bar, swing.

1008. Go!

1009. Oh, lord, he fell!

1010. Hey!

1011. We did it!

1012. - She cheated. Next event, water balloon toss.

1013. Let's do this, y'all.

1014. See, somebody gonna get a whupping out here.

1015. Mack, that gives your family two points

1016. and Nate's family two points. Last event, the sack race, y'all.

1017. Oh, yeah, baby. You can kiss that Family of the Year trophy goodbye.

1018. Oh, I will,

1019. every morning on my way to work.

1020. Get set! Go!

1021. - Till you were 12. - I ain't had plastic on the bed.

1022. - Yes, you did, bed-wetter. - Hold up, man.

1023. Nobody peed in the bed.

1024. Just saying, you trying to do something. Always talking...

1025. You hung up on me while I was talking to Mama.

1026. - What's up? - Whatever.

1027. - Why you running? - Ain't nobody running.

1028. - Throw him on the ground. - Get my leg? Why you grab my leg?

1029. - We got a winner! - That's what I thought.

1030. You done made us lose the race.

1031. - Ain't thinking about that race. - Why you trying to get ahead of me?

1032. - Why you looking to... - First. I'm first.

1033. I think I... I think I hurt my corn.

1034. We got a tie, y'all. Johnson family. What?

1035. - Kinfolk! - Yeah, what's up?

1036. Heard you're in California, about to break in that rap game.

1037. - You know it. - About to get paid!

1038. Let me hold something.

1039. I don't have no money on me right now. I'm broke.

1040. You ain't got nothing?

1041. What about them shoes? What size are those?

1042. They my size.

1043. You tripping-

1044. Kinfolk.

1045. That's right. You know we do it Johnson family-style.

1046. It's time to really get our party on now. Come on, Johnsons.

1047. There's no time to rehearse. It's time for Johnson magic.

1048. This is for the trophy. The talent show is always the tiebreaker event.

1049. Right.

1050. Destiny and I will do choreography.

1051. - What do we do for costumes? Mama, I'll do it.

1052. What about music? D.J.: I got the music.

1053. D.J.: We gonna hit them upside the head with this one.

1054. Everyone know what they're supposed to do?

1055. - Yeah. - Okay, Johnson family on three.

1056. - One, two, three. Johnsons! - Johnsons!

1057. - All right. Let's go. All right? Go. - Got it.

1058. All right. Okay.

1059. Big Shaq style, boy. That's you, Mack.

1060. Hey, D.J.

1061. You are the Mack from way back. "Mack-alicious,"Mack-adocious"

1062. "Mack-tastic. " You "Mackaroni, " dog. "Mackadamia. " You the Mack.

1063. Man, you the Mack.

1064. Their moves are so tight. I see why they win every year.

1065. Oh, come on, baby. It's nothing. I mean, look at Mack out there.

1066. Little karate uniform, all looking like Nappy Chan doing Try-Bo.

1067. Come on.

1068. Thank you, thank you, thank you all.

1069. Hear me when I say it to you, now. We do love. We love everybody.

1070. Got love for you. No, no, we do love you all. Now, coming up next

1071. is my baby brother Nate and his family.

1072. Do something, clap or something, but whatever you do,

1073. Lord, have mercy, please don't fall asleep. Love you!

1074. Nate, you sure got your work out out for you.

1075. Nate's back again.

1076. You know Nate's stuff is raggedy. What's Nate gonna do?

1077. - What's up, D.J.? - Let's do this.

1078. They ain't got nothing.

1079. All right, everybody, get on board. It's Nate Johnson.

1080. We are the Johnson family from Los Angeles.

1081. Ready to give it to you, little something like this. Watch out, Mack.

1082. (SINGING) I'm the captain of this vessel

1083. We wanna take you on a cruise, yeah

1084. All around the land Music is at hand

1085. We're gonna play it for you

1086. - 'Cause we... - Want to be

1087. - We want to be - Your true-life entertainers

1088. - Get into the beat, y'all - To the beat

1089. All right, now, Johnsons. Y'all come on with it, now.

1090. Don't let nothing restrain us

1091. Here we go.

1092. We just want you to feel

1093. Nothing but pleasure Musical pleasure

1094. The music is definitely real

1095. That music's feeling so good, it makes me wanna...

1096. Makes me wanna do this right here.

1097. Come along, pack your bags Get on up and jam, y'all

1098. I've got style for miles

1099. Come along and drive with me, princess

1100. Oh, yeah. It's big Nate Johnson. I'm gonna bring it to you right here.

1101. (RAPPING) From La Lizzie to Missouri

1102. The Johnson West coast is the family to beat

1103. Across four states in a stock Navi

1104. Tricked outwith 26s and Burberry

1105. Got Nate Got Nate and me

1106. Hitting switches with Sir Barks-a-Lot and Destiny

1107. You got three wheel motion escaping high beams

1108. Of an 18 wheeler with a phat baby Chrishelle

1109. She couldn't stop us The rig

1110. Come on, dawg And block us, the haters

1111. Well yeah, they try and jock us in jail And rock us and y'all can't stop us

1112. When I say "Johnsons" You say "Fam"

1113. - Johnson - Fam

1114. When I say "Johnsons" you say "Fam" Now somebody scream

1115. We just want you to feel...

1116. That's my son right there!

1117. Musical pleasure

1118. Our music is definitely real

1119. True to your pleasure Musical treasure

1120. Hey, come on, come on, take a ride

1121. There's a party over here It ain't no jibe

1122. It's live, live, all the way live

1123. Don't even have to work Don't even have to drive

1124. It's slide, slide, slippety slide

1125. And forget about your troubles and your nine to five

1126. Just sail along Here's what you do. Just sail on

1127. With grooves so funky now what you think?

1128. What is it called It's called the Johnsons' thing

1129. Come on with us to the land of funk

1130. Funk, funk

1131. To the land of funk

1132. - Didn't I tell you I could rhyme? - All right.

1133. Mom, we did it.

1134. Here you go. All right. Take that. Don't take no wooden nickels, now.

1135. Okay, y'all, come on, Johnsons.

1136. Okay, y'all.

1137. Time to choose a winner. Come on. Good job, man. Great job.

1138. Good job, man. Good job.

1139. Okay, y'all. We the Johnson family and y'all know how we do it. Let's get it on.

1140. Who thinks Mack's family won? Make some noise!

1141. Come on. You know it. Thank you very much.

1142. Calm down, calm down.

1143. Who thinks Nate's family's better? Y'all make noise!

1144. Damn. Where you been?

1145. Is she family?

1146. All right, y'all. It was close.

1147. But...

1148. Nate's family wins the title!

1149. - Congratulations, son. - Thank you, Mama.

1150. Oh, Father...

1151. You know what?

1152. I don't need this trophy to prove I have a great family.

1153. Here. The only trophy I need

1154. is these four right behind me.

1155. Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. As long as I... As long as I got the trophy.

1156. - I got the trophy. Mack, Mack.

1157. - We got the trophy. - Come on, dog. Mack.

1158. Come on, man. We brothers.

1159. We should be teammates, not competitors.

1160. - Yeah? What do you say? - Yeah, you're right.

1161. Yes! Yeah! We got it, come on. Yes!

1162. - I got the trophy! It's all mine! - Anyway. You know what?

1163. - I realized that after this victory today... - Yeah?

1164. nothing can separate us.

1165. Get out the way, June Bug!

1166. Where'd the truck come from?

1167. Oh, Father. Oh, Father.

1168. I'm okay, baby.

1169. Oh, lord, why not me? Jesus, why not me?

1170. I can't believe it!

1171. This trophy ain't never done nothing to nobody.

1172. What did I ever do? What did I do?

1173. Oh, Father. Who beat me?

1174. What is he doing?

1175. - Stan, what are you doing here? - What are you doing here?

1176. Dorothy,

1177. you said you wanted to be with me forever.

1178. I said our professor was lecturing forever.

1179. You the dude driving the truck?

1180. Stan, you're crazy. We only studied together twice.

1181. And one of those times was over the phone.

1182. - I have a husband. - Yeah. She has a husband.

1183. You ruined my family reunion with this nonsense.

1184. If that's the case, then why do you two live in separate houses?

1185. - (ALL GASP) - Yeah, why do you live in separate houses?

1186. Mama, Dorothy and I have been separated for about three months.

1187. - I knew it. I knew it. - Look, it's my fault we're not together.

1188. All right? I just haven't supported her in her dreams.

1189. She's a beautiful, intelligent woman and the copilot in my plane.

1190. Nate got a plane? Mama, when did Nate get a plane?

1191. - You didn't say any... - Will you hush?

1192. Mama, look, I've let you drive a wedge between me and my wife all these years.

1193. She's the mother of your grandchildren.

1194. So I suggest you get used to her, because I'm not letting her go anywhere.

1195. - And neither am I. - You know what?

1196. That's about enough of you.

1197. - No, no, no. No. - Daddy, don't do that.

1198. Would you leave? Please.

1199. Wait, don't do it, son. Don't do it. Let me.

1200. Oh!

1201. Mama cracked him! Mama say crack-crack!

1202. Mama put you in the dirt! That's what Johnsons do!

1203. Look at her go. She still got it.

1204. You know what? I ain't never heard you talk about Dorothy that way.

1205. And you know what else? It's about time.

1206. - Thanks, Mom. - Right, Dad.

1207. I gotta get my family out of here.

1208. - We gotta head back home. - You just got here.

1209. I know, but

1210. my wife has a test to study for.

1211. Kids, let's go change.

1212. - All right, bye, Mom. - Bye, baby.

1213. - Dorothy. - All right, now, little brother.

1214. - All right, Grandma. All right. - Bye. Y'all come back.

1215. All right.

1216. - Nate! Nate! - That's Nate Johnson! All day!

1217. Trophy and my little brother?

1218. And I'm Mack Johnson! That's all week!

1219. I wonder if Uncle Earl know how to fix this. I'm gonna ask him.

1220. Uncle Earl! Unc!

1221. Hey!

1222. - Reeny. - Yeah, baby.

1223. Get in here, girl.

1224. D.J., is that our door?

1225. Oh, no, no, no.

1226. Is this our bumper?

1227. - This is the bumper from the truck. - Well, looks like a bumper.

1228. These are the seats.

1229. The seats. It's come right out of the truck.

1230. Dorothy, that is the door.

1231. We don't know if it's the door. Let's find him.

1232. You ain't got nothing on that robot. You know I do the robot.

1233. - That's my king. - Look.

1234. Uncle Earl!

1235. Uncle Earl! Uncle Earl!

1236. Hey, there, nephew. Y'all caught me off-guard. Caught me doing my thing.

1237. Look at Dorothy. Girl, you look good.

1238. Girl, if you don't look like a hot cup of soup and I got the flu.

1239. - This my baby, Tangerine. - Hi.

1240. Don't she look like you?

1241. She look just like you. I tell her all the time, "You look just like Dorothy."

1242. You know what, Dorothy? This could've been yours. All this could've been yours.

1243. Reeny, come on, now.

1244. Quit playing. You know I'm P-I-M-P.

1245. It's been a long trip and we wanna get back home

1246. so did you fix the truck yet?

1247. Oh, yeah, it's ready. Truck is ready. That's what I do. Yeah, come on, now.

1248. Yes, indeedy. Now

1249. I'll have to tell you, the only thing I had to do that was special...

1250. I want y'all aware of, I had to run a coat hanger through the middle.

1251. It came up around the chassis, broke off on each side and go into your wheel well.

1252. Now, only thing I suggest is that you don't make no sharp turns.

1253. Okay? A sharp turn and you can hang it up.

1254. - You can hang it up. I tell you. - Yeah. Funny.

1255. Okay, here we go.

1256. WOW!

1257. - Cool. - That looks great, Uncle Earl.

1258. Don't it look good? It look good, don't it?

1259. - All right. - I retooled your engine.

1260. Flushed the engine out with a toothpaste flush. Fluoride toothpaste, best thing.

1261. There's something you remember.

1262. You know this car didn't have an 8-track?

1263. I said, "A pretty car like this ain't got no 8-track?" I put one in there.

1264. That'll be real nice for y'all to listen to on the way home. Look at Dorothy.

1265. Girl, if you don't look like a free case of motor oil. 30 weight.

1266. All right. Told you about coveting my wife, now.

1267. Hey, Destiny. Where is Sir-Barks-a-Lot?

1268. He doesn't need me anymore. He's gonna stay in Missouri.

1269. He'll be okay.

1270. I'm sure he will, sweetie.

1271. Nate, did you really mean all the things you said about supporting my dreams?

1272. - Every word. - Oh, baby.

1273. Goodness. Oh, boy.

1274. - Home sweet home, huh? - Yes.

1275. - Cannot wait to change and shower. - I wasn't gonna say nothing, but...

1276. - Come on, guys. Inside. - Mama.

1277. - Come on, walk. - We won't do it again, I tell you that.

1278. Daddy, our car!

1279. Earl! Come on, Uncle Earl!

1280. 310 would never take this truck back now.

1281. Oh, Nate. Stop worrying about the truck.

1282. You got some more important work to do. After all, it's been three months.

1283. You serious, Dorothy?

1284. - You serious? - Ninety days.

1285. - All right, don't play. Open the door! - (SHRIEKING)