Joe Pera: Slow & Steady (2023)

1. Please welcome to the stage - Joe Pera.

2. How 'bout this door?

3. Something pretty big could come through this door.

4. Thank you so much for coming out tonight.

5. I put together a little intro in hopes that we can

6. start the show on a good note.

7. It goes...

8. Hello,

9. my name is Joe Pera,

10. and my favorite food is rolls.

11. But I also enjoy a good house salad

12. with thousand island dressing.

13. However, you didn't come here to hear me

14. talk about what I like to eat.

15. You came to to have the wildest night of your life.

16. You came here to find love.

17. You came because you know that this is the closest

18. you can get to seeing Rick Steves do comedy.

19. You came because for a couple hours, you don't

20. want to think about the potential for nuclear war.

21. But if you do get blowed up, you want to

22. be amongst 600 people who find similar things funny.

23. You came because you learned how to speak English

24. from my Adult Swim show in Brazil.

25. Obrigado.

26. You came because your crush from work asked if

27. you wanted to go to the Joe Pera show.

28. And you said, "Who's that?"

29. And your friend said, "It's, uh, the slow comedy man."

30. "That sounds good,"

31. you said, "the only comedy I've ever

32. seen is Ryan Reynolds Mint Mobile commercials...

33. I'm not vaccinated,

34. is that okay?"

35. You came because you wanted to find a little bit

36. of peace on a Thursday night since you're no longer

37. allowed in Church after refusing to acknowledge

38. the apostle Paul.

39. You want VALUE for your entertainment dollar.

40. And you know I'm going to leave

41. it all on the stage tonight.

42. Well, that's a lot of pressure to put on

43. one guy, but...

44. (takes water bottle...

45. chugs it like a TikTok teen)

46. I'm going to do my freakin best.

47. Alright, I suppose I should probably do some jokes.

48. A few Sundays ago, I got home late to find

49. that my roommates Bill and Tomas had gone to bed

50. early taking care to be rested for the upcoming week.

51. Opening my freezer door to get an ice for an ice water,

52. I saw that all four trays were empty.

53. So what did I do?

54. I filled them up.

55. Because come Monday morning,

56. There's going to be cubes for my boys.

57. Cubes for my boys.

58. It was a difficult few months after the Dahmer show

59. came out on Netflix.

60. I was getting texts and emails from

61. people I haven't heard from

62. in over a decade saying that, "the guy on

63. Dahmer show looks and sounds like you."

64. A couple kids on the street even said,

65. "Hey, Dahmer."

66. I'll be honest, if I did even half of the stuff that

67. Jeffrey Dahmer did...

68. my dad would be so pissed off.

69. Open relationships are becoming more popular.

70. That's modern times.

71. But I guess my thinking is that - if you've

72. got extra love to spare, you should consider opening

73. up your relationship to a foster child.

74. Before you get another lover, become a big brother.

75. That's what I say.

76. If you got a foster kid and you still got

77. love to spare after that, do what you want.

78. A couple of summers ago, I was in the park,

79. and I was feeding bits of pita chip to a

80. squirrel. Breaking off pieces and tossing them to him,

81. I was amazed by the way that he would pick

82. up and hold the bits of pita chip with his

83. two paws, almost as if he were a little human.

84. It's quite a different experience

85. than, say, feeding the ducks.

86. I was having a great time, but eventually

87. I started to wonder what would happen if

88. I tossed him an entire pita chip.

89. Because for you or me, that'd be about the same as...

90. picking up and holding a full size table.

91. I figured, what the heck?

92. So I tossed him a full size pita chip.

93. And uh...

94. what do you think happened?

95. Anybody on this side of the room?

96. No?

97. Okay.

98. Based on anything or just a gut feeling?

99. That's very nice...

100. I don't know.

101. You know that when this goes online, the

102. YouTubers are going to really...

103. respond -

104. cringe. Cringe. Cringe. Cringe. Cringe. Cringe. Cringe.

105. Knowing that, do you stand by that answer?

106. Okay. All right.

107. You signed the release form, right?

108. Sorry. Okay. Well, thank you.

109. Anybody in the back?

110. What's that?

111. Anybody else?

112. Yeah, sir?

113. Steroids?

114. Anybody else?

115. What's that?

116. Lifestyle inflation?

117. Do you think the squirrel was able to

118. pick up and hold the pita chip?

119. Super Squirrel. Steroids.

120. Lifestyle inflation.

121. I'm sorry.

122. I shouldn't have asked the doorman

123. to bonk everybody over the head.

124. on their way through the door.

125. I'm not trying to bust anybody's brain.

126. Do you think the squirrel was able to

127. pick up the pita chip or - too heavy?

128. Yes, sir?

129. In the striped shirt?

130. Yes?

131. That is a beautiful answer.

132. Alright, uh, before this

133. goes completely off the rails,

134. How about we put it to a vote?

135. If you think the squirrel was able to pick up and hold

136. the entire pita chip, do you want to raise your hand?

137. Ok. If you think it was just too heavy,

138. you want to raise your hand?

139. Ok.

140. That's interesting enough.

141. But I'm excited to tell you that if you raised

142. your hand in the first group, you are correct.

143. Not only was the squirrel able to pick up and hold

144. the entire pita chip, he then carried it up a tree

145. using only his hind legs and went out onto a branch,

146. where he proceeded to eat the entire thing.

147. One of the most amazing things I've ever seen.

148. I was having a great time watching it.

149. And he was eating almost the entire thing.

150. Eventually, I started to wonder again if

151. he could do an entire pita chip -

152. what else?

153. So I took the can of Diet Dr.

154. Pepper I was drinking.

155. I set it at the foot of the tree.

156. And uh...

157. What do you think happened?

158. A hand shot up in the balcony.

159. Good question.

160. About three quarters of the way full,

161. and I had just gotten it from the convenience

162. store about 30 minutes before, so it wasn't

163. warm, but it wasn't cold either.

164. Fair enough.

165. Anybody else?

166. Yes, sir.

167. In the middle with the checkered shirt.

168. You just received quite a bit of vocal support.

169. Why don't we put it to a vote one more time.

170. If you think the squirrel was able to

171. pick up and hold the soda,

172. do you want to raise your hand?

173. Just a few.

174. If you think it ignored it or

175. left it alone, raise your hand.

176. It seems like the majority of you.

177. You think it knocked it over

178. and used it to wash down the soda- uh, the pita chip?

179. You want to raise your hand?

180. Okay.

181. I'll tell you the answer, and it's that -

182. I don't know.

183. I stayed and watched for a little while,

184. but I was with a woman in the park that afternoon.

185. Eventually, we had to get going someplace and

186. I didn't want to insist we stick around

187. and her think I was a squirrel pervert.

188. Later that night, and you can do this, too.

189. You can go on YouTube and search -

190. 'Squirrel Dr. Pepper'

191. And a video comes up called "squirrel likes Dr. Pepper"

192. And in this video, which seems to be shot

193. on a cell phone in a classroom, judging by

194. the surroundings, a squirrel approaches a can

195. of regular Dr. Pepper that's been

196. left out on a window sill,

197. puts its arms out to try and pick it up,

198. but the can proves just too heavy,

199. it knocks it off the window sill,

200. and then the squirrel goes with it.

201. Don't worry.

202. Grey squirrels can survive falls up to 100ft.

203. But it proved two things that I was thinking:

204. One, squirrels are amazing animals.

205. And Two,

206. Dr. Pepper is an amazing drink.

207. It gave me an idea for a Dr. Pepper

208. animal commercial.

209. In it, a man is playing fetch in the park with his dog.

210. The labrador brings him back the ball,

211. And he's so proud of it that he cracks

212. open an ice cold can of Dr. Pepper.

213. He pours it in the dog's bowl.

214. The dog drinks it up and then turns into a human woman.

215. The guy goes -

216. "Alright!"

217. Then the tagline comes up that says -

218. Dr. Pepper. Turns dogs into human women.

219. I'm very nervous, but I'll throw it

220. to you guys one more time.

221. Do you think this is true?

222. No one wants to take a stab?

223. So what do you think?

224. Sorry to tell you, that it's not true.

225. You shouldn't believe advertisements and uh...

226. I feel responsible at the end of the joke

227. to tell you to please not give Dr. Pepper to your dogs

228. because if you do, they will die.

229. I was thinking about where our country went wrong.

230. There's a few instances, sure.

231. The one that stands out to me was when,

232. in 2003, William Hung auditioned for American Idol,

233. and 28 million American viewers laughed at

234. an immigrant man doing his best.

235. There was nothing wrong with him -

236. I looked it up - but you saw...

237. You saw the footage there very well could have been.

238. And still, we laughed.

239. It might be too far to say that

240. because of that we deserve the situation we're in.

241. But maybe if we were a little nicer,

242. the Sopranos movie would have been better.

243. It wasn't the worst film, but I do feel that

244. it wasn't quite the Sopranos movie our country needed.

245. Unfortunately, deep down...

246. It's ok. Don't sweat it, we'll reset it. Ok.

247. All good? Ok.

248. Don't feel -

249. You just ruined my entire life.

250. Unfortunately, deep down I've got the sense that

251. I'm the type of guy whose wife dies young.

252. Just look at these features.

253. They're just waiting to be filled with grief.

254. I'll only have a few moments in the bathroom

255. each morning, after my alarm clock

256. wakes me from yet another dream of her telling

257. me to just move on

258. to wash the sorrow from my

259. face so that I don't spread it to my daughter Jessie

260. before she heads to the second grade.

261. For just one morning, I wish I could hide

262. it completely as I make her her favorite breakfast

263. a five egg omelet

264. with a 12oz ham steak.

265. Jessie is unbelievably strong.

266. As big and strong as a

267. D1 football player.

268. On the evenings in which I fall asleep watching

269. regular season hockey, she'll carry me to bed.

270. It won't be easy but day by day, me and

271. my oxen of a daughter will get by.

272. In short, ladies, do not come

273. talk to me after the show.

274. Stay away if you want to live.

275. Only men can come talk to me after the show.

276. I'm sorry for many parts of that joke,

277. but I'm sorry because I do have a girlfriend

278. now who has resigned to her fate.

279. Believe it or not, the New York Times asked me

280. to write a piece for their Dating & Sex Column.

281. I don't know why.

282. I figured I'd share my current draft

283. with you tonight, if that's okay.

284. I have a girlfriend now, but I was not born that way.

285. I had to do it through dating.

286. Please don't sigh.

287. Dates are an opportunity to meet

288. and learn about a new person.

289. Share what you know about Trees and Irish Mythology

290. and they can lead to relationships and intimacy!

291. Personally, though, you know what

292. I like more than intimacy?

293. A big whiteboard on which to

294. organize my thoughts.

295. "To-do" list on the right side.

296. Ideas for public transportation on the left.

297. I the upper corner,

298. a postcard my friend sent me from St. Louis.

299. But rules are rules.

300. If you want to do a relationship,

301. you got to do the dates.

302. And really, they're not so bad.

303. First you meet, you kiss on both cheeks.

304. Then you can find out most of what you need to

305. know from two questions:

306. What did you eat for breakfast?

307. When was the last time you

308. were in a physical altercation?

309. After that, you have as much fun as possible.

310. A few years ago, I went out with a corporate

311. lawyer and I think she had an alright time

312. because she only pulled out her IBM Thinkpad once.

313. In some ways, I have a lot of respect for lawyers.

314. They are smart, work hard, and can read for long

315. periods of time without having to use the bathroom.

316. It's another world, though.

317. My date had just started at a big firm and

318. told me that she had to ask her boss' permission

319. to not work that night from 9:30pm to 11:30pm.

320. Because of this, I felt bad telling her that I spent

321. my day going to the Spectrum store in person because I

322. had the time and paying my bill online was confusing.

323. Plus, I wanted to see where internet comes from

324. and meet the individuals that make it possible.

325. Then I got a pre-made sandwich and ate

326. it while walking through Greenwood Cemetery

327. across the street.

328. Don't worry, I know what you are

329. thinking, but it was during the day -

330. I am not a goth.

331. I was excited for the date.

332. Believe it or not, she asked me

333. out, bringing up 'Nix vs. Hedden',

334. a U.S. Supreme Court case from 1893

335. which ruled that for tariff reasons,

336. tomatoes would be classified as vegetables.

337. I said yes enthusiastically because I'm

338. crazy about facts and details.

339. But looking back, I should have seen the

340. red flag, as you and I know,

341. tomatoes are a ripened flower ovary, bearing seeds.

342. They are a fruit.

343. The case is yet another example of American law's

344. frequent indifference to nature, science, and common

345. sense morality in service of economics.

346. I'm sorry.

347. You bought a ticket to a stand-up show

348. not a one-man play called 'Peeved'.

349. But lately, I have been wondering if

350. all the laws and lawyers are necessary.

351. I mean, if there were no laws, I would still make

352. my bed every day because it's the right thing to do.

353. Plus, deep down, I sense

354. there's something different between

355. me and lawyers, because none of the lawyers I

356. meet think it's a funny idea to serve papers

357. to their friends as a joke.

358. If I were a lawyer, I would always be suing my friends.

359. I kept this to myself on the date

360. and even feel bad talking about it now. Especially

361. because She was nice, and it wasn't unpleasant.

362. We talked about Sci-Fi books and music, and then

363. she mentioned she was interested in Space Law.

364. "Space law?"

365. I said, "Please tell me everything

366. you know about space law."

367. As wonderful as it sounds, it's more or

368. less just trying to privatize everything in space.

369. Right now, it's claiming satellite trajectories,

370. but soon enough

371. it'll be buying property rights on the moon.

372. Drilling rights on asteroids and planets.

373. Since they have already

374. patented 20% of the human genome,

375. I asked, "Will they try to claim

376. metaphysical properties as well, like gravity?"

377. "They'll try," she said.

378. She's probably right, but the casual way she said

379. it made me no longer hungry for my drink.

380. Later on, I walked her to her train.

381. She asked me to call sometime and I nodded, but

382. didn't say anything as she went down the stairs.

383. My own train stop was a few blocks away.

384. But it was a nice night, and

385. when I got to it, kept walking.

386. The stars were out and looking up,

387. I wondered which ones they'd claim first.

388. "Why does this space law stuff upset me?"

389. I thought. Maybe because I associate

390. space with new beginnings and possibility.

391. But am I really that naive?

392. The original space race didn't

393. come from scientific curiosity.

394. We went to the moon to

395. prove military and ideological superiority.

396. And explorers before that, like Lewis and Clark, they

397. recorded hundreds of new species

398. such as the buffalo berry.

399. But their maps helped in the stealing of

400. Western land through force and legal treaties.

401. Unless aliens have a hotshot lawyer, like

402. "my cousin Vinny",

403. why will space be any different?

404. And why am I going around on dates,

405. telling the truth,

406. looking for a meaningful relationship?

407. I should be trying to fuck.

408. Just hitting it from the back.

409. you know, real nasty-like.

410. I can make you come,

411. and my lawyer, Bob Reinhart, will put that in writing.

412. What do you want?

413. Do you want the moon?

414. I'll buy it for you.

415. We'll mine it for all it's worth

416. and when we get a divorce, we'll

417. blow it up and each take half.

418. But mine will be a bit bigger because my

419. lawyer Bob Reinhart is a legal rock star.

420. I want to own that.

421. I want to own that.

422. I want to own that ass.

423. The urge to own, dominate -

424. that's our survival instinct.

425. We gotta fuck to survive.

426. And if we're going to survive long

427. term, we got to go to space.

428. Who cares if it's cause we're trying

429. to own stuff?

430. You might say we don't deserve to survive

431. If that's what we're about.

432. I'll tell you what I'm about.

433. Straight up giving earth-shattering orgasms

434. and then leaving immediately

435. so I can go hang out

436. with my friend and lawyer Bob Reinhart.

437. Sorry, I didn't need to say friend.

438. It is implied when I say lawyer.

439. By the way, I know how I will die...

440. 20 people in my house shooting me.

441. Like Tony Montana.

442. "Say hello to my little friend...

443. Bob Reinhart!"

444. Then he runs out and they shoot him, too.

445. We die together.

446. I bet you're wondering what just happened?

447. How do I explain this?

448. Before the show, I took the pill from Limitless.

449. Since I took it pretty far, I might as well

450. tell you the story of how I lost my virginity.

451. When I was 20 years old, I offered to

452. walk Bonnie Morris home from the barn dance.

453. I was very nervous

454. but it was a beautiful night, so I suggested we

455. take a shortcut home through a cornfield,

456. which turned into

457. a long cut, if you know what I mean.

458. The next day I was shipped off to World War II.

459. That's a true story.

460. A couple of years later, I found myself fighting

461. at the Battle of the Bulge.

462. Surrounded by Nazis

463. on all sides under heavy artillery fire.

464. Didn't seem like we were going to make it out,

465. so I got down and I said...

466. Please, if you

467. allow me to survive this and maybe another 80 to

468. 100 more years...

469. I promise to become an alternative comedian

470. at the tail end of the second comedy boom.

471. That's how I got here tonight.

472. Alright.

473. I don't want to end the show on

474. a blue note, perhaps something more pleasant.

475. So I figured maybe we close out by doing some

476. new material meant to talk you to sleep that I've

477. been working on with my friend and composer Ryan Dann.

478. You ok up there?

479. It's supposed to be another hot summer in New York.

480. Everywhere, in fact... and these past two summers

481. were some of the hottest in recorded history,

482. according to the Copernicus Climate Change

483. Service in E.U..

484. It's a bit cooler tonight, thank goodness.

485. But if you want, close your eyes and imagine it's

486. one of those nights in August in which it's too

487. hot to even have an appetite for dinner.

488. And so, after sweating all day, you come

489. home and are now sweating in bed.

490. Your air conditioner is making a lot of

491. noise, but not a lot of cool air.

492. Having a tough time getting the temperature to the 60

493. to 67 degree range doctors say is ideal for sleep.

494. And imagine your partner next to you,

495. Yoobi, is having a difficult time too.

496. Every time you're about to doze off, Yoobi

497. changes positions, kicking you in the face.

498. It wasn't easy, but you've gotten accustomed to

499. their preferences of sleeping head to toe.

500. It's a cultural thing for Yoobi who is more

501. or less a benevolent version of the Babadook.

502. I've been there -

503. When someone keeps you from sleep, it makes

504. you reconsider everything about your relationship.

505. But take a moment to remember the reasons why

506. you are sharing a bed with them tonight.

507. Perhaps they are good at writing letters.

508. Perhaps they helped you through a rough time.

509. Perhaps they were the person who taught you

510. to not wash your face with hand soap.

511. Or maybe it's because they were the tallest person you'd

512. ever seen and you knew you'd have to have them.

513. And so, for the sake of your relationship, you

514. get out of bed and head to the other

515. room, using your cell phone as a flashlight.

516. Believe it or not, Ryan has a PhD in sound effects.

517. Cool breezes are wonderful in summer.

518. Don't even get me started on sprinklers.

519. When it comes down to it, you cannot beat a cold drink.

520. They know this in Southern India where they

521. drink spiced buttermilk to beat the heat.

522. However, you are not in Bangalor, so you head to

523. the fridge to get some ice for a water.

524. Ah.

525. Remember when you used to live with the guys?

526. Those were the days.

527. "Cubes for my boys."

528. Not anymore.

529. Now more like "Hot bed with Yoobi."

530. The place you moved in together has a fancy

531. pants fridge with an ice maker in the door.

532. But it's sad - you can no longer even

533. make ice for the people you care about.

534. Tech has taken that from us too.

535. And it was nice to open a freezer door when you were

536. hot - feel the cold on your face and hear it too.

537. And even if you couldn't feel the chill,

538. I think the freezer hum would still sound cold.

539. How would you describe a cold sound?

540. That's okay.

541. Here are the coldest sounds that Ryan

542. could find -

543. Those are actually recordings from the

544. inside of a hedge fund manager's heart.

545. Ryan, what does 'Hot' sound like?

546. Gotta turn the air conditioning up after that one.

547. It's wild to think how recent the development electric

548. air conditioning really is. Compared to 88% today,

549. only 46% of U.S.

550. homes had AC in 1975.

551. And in 1902, no one had it, because that's

552. when it was invented by an engineer out of

553. Buffalo named Willis Carrier,

554. who developed an apparatus for

555. treating air for a publishing house in Brooklyn.

556. Fun fact, he's buried in the

557. same Buffalo cemetery as Rick James.

558. Would love to catch those ghosts having a chat.

559. What about the billions of

560. people who lived before 1902?

561. How did they stay cool?

562. Well, the Persians used wind towers that

563. captured and drew breezes into buildings,

564. and then out the other side. Romans circulated

565. water through the walls of their homes.

566. And Native Americans in Southwest Colorado built their

567. houses into the face of canyons, so

568. that they'd be shaded from the sun.

569. However, for many cultures, the go-to

570. was simple, just dealing with it.

571. Maybe God didn't intend for people to live in Phoenix.

572. The Devil did.

573. Lucky for you, you got an ice water, which

574. you finish on your way back to bed.

575. Important to note - you are

576. wearing your summer-style pajamas.

577. I.E.

578. just the top.

579. You get back into bed, and almost

580. immediately, Yoobi turns over and kicks you.

581. You of course can't kick your partner back.

582. but you think about signing them up for UFC, so

583. perhaps Rose Namajunes can kick them for you.

584. Here's a question for you -

585. Does finding the right temperature determine

586. if a relationship will survive?

587. Any couples here argue about

588. heating and air conditioning?

589. Yes?

590. What do you ask for?

591. Really?

592. And he wants it hot.

593. And how do you guys work it out?

594. That's a girl boss moment

595. if I've ever heard one.

596. So what do you do, sir?

597. Do you just freeze?

598. He deals with it?

599. Like, by putting on a sweatshirt, or you just -

600. Yeah?

601. Ok.

602. Has it ever come close

603. to tearing your relationship apart?

604. No?

605. Okay.

606. Just out of curiosity, what would

607. you say holds your relationship together?

608. She does?

609. Damn, dude.

610. Just kind of hanging out in the relationship?

611. She calls the shots, but she's

612. got all the responsibilities too?

613. And you're just hanging out playing PS2?

614. He's "the wallet?"

615. So you go work hard, make money during

616. the day, and then come home and freeze?

617. "Men should freeze?"

618. Fair enough.

619. And you're another guy who

620. gets chilled out every evening?

621. Really?

622. And you just kind of deal with it, too?

623. Couches aren't always the worst.

624. It's kind of like taking a little - it's

625. like a vacation home in your own house.

626. How long - how many years have you been freezing?

627. Wow.

628. 38 years. Ok. Wow.

629. This is interesting.

630. Usually it's a little bit flipped that the gentlemen

631. like the heat or the air conditioning, and the

632. women want the temp, but all right.

633. Any other cold women in the crowd?

634. Yeah?

635. Do you guys argue about heat and air conditioning?

636. Yeah?

637. And who wants it hot

638. and who wants it cold?

639. Weird.

640. Okay. Wow.

641. I had no idea that all these women

642. and female fans of mine are trying to

643. freeze their husbands to death!

644. And make them sluggish.

645. Anyhow -

646. I personally feel that finding the right temperature

647. together does help a great bit, whether it be

648. in a warm bed on a winter night or

649. a front porch with a breeze. Actually,

650. to heck with porches.

651. All you need is two of those white

652. plastic chairs placed directly in the driveway or

653. on the sidewalk in front of your home.

654. Just good molded plastic chairs. With armrests,

655. you will be the working class

656. king and queen of your block.

657. That's what my grandparents used to do same as

658. they would have done in the living room,

659. they would sit outside and not talk.

660. Maybe that's the key -

661. just have five kids and work your

662. body to arthritis so that you can

663. be completely content sitting still together.

664. However, I'm not ready for a kid.

665. But I do want a cow so freaking bad.

666. I love goats -

667. wanna buy one for

668. my niece without her parents' permission.

669. But personally, I want a cow.

670. This was decided last summer while petting one

671. named Henrietta at the Sawyer County Fair.

672. A tuft of brown hair atop her head, I

673. learned Henrietta was an American Brown Swiss.

674. Not only are they handsome cows, but their milk

675. has a perfect fat to protein ratio for cheese making.

676. Plus, ever since I was young, I've wanted a

677. 1300lb friend.

678. Because, as they say, a life cannot be measured in

679. money but by the total mass of your friends.

680. So my wish is that everyone in

681. the world could have a cow.

682. Spiced buttermilk on warm evenings for everyone.

683. Not only that, but on nights you can't sleep,

684. you can go outside and talk to your cow.

685. "Bend your ear for a carrot, Henrietta?"

686. You pat her side, and you tell her how the city

687. has been taking it out of you more than usual

688. this summer.

689. It's hot and it smells, and there's no peace

690. except in sleep, which you can't seem to find.

691. You can't even go for a walk without being advertised

692. to or recorded by cameras in those LinkNYC kiosks.

693. Even in the park,

694. planes buzz overhead.

695. "I got it pretty good,"

696. you tell your cow,

697. "but am I truly free here if

698. I will be arrested for peeing outside?"

699. "And will I ever feel completely

700. comfortable sharing a bed with Yoobi?"

701. Henrietta says nothing and

702. continues chewing her carrot.

703. "Don't take this the wrong way, girl, but

704. I wish I had your sweet cow ignorance.

705. You have no idea

706. you hasten the warming each time you pass gas.

707. But I'm aware that I do when I turn on my AC...

708. I wish I could pretend..."

709. "You alright, Joe?" says Yoobi

710. and turns to face you in bed.

711. "Not able to sleep either?"

712. "No, it's too hot, the AC is too loud,

713. and I don't have a retired dairy cow...

714. Sorry to complain."

715. Yoobi gets up and disappears out the door.

716. You hear the rumble of the fridge, and

717. Yoobi comes back with an ice cube.

718. "Here," Yoobi says, and puts it in your hand.

719. "Hold it -

720. can you feel the coldness in

721. your hand? Going up your arm?"

722. And you can't help but laugh because you remember that

723. Yoobi learned English by watching 'Do the Right Thing'.

724. "Move it to your other hand," Yoobi says,

725. "Can you feel the chill go up the

726. left side of your body as well?

727. Now put it on your forehead."

728. You do, and the cold radiates through your head

729. and then the rest of your body as well.

730. As it melts,

731. your worry does too.

732. "It's magic," you say.

733. "No," says Yoobi,

734. "It's ice."

735. "Thanks Yoobi,

736. I'm glad to be in a relationship with you."

737. You hold sweaty hands and fall

738. asleep like you are dead.

739. The hum of your air conditioner blends with

740. all the air conditioners on your block,

741. and those join with the hum of the air conditioners

742. in your neighborhood. Which join the chorus

743. of all the air conditioners in New York City.

744. And if you didn't fall asleep in

745. the crowd,

746. I wish you goodnight.

747. A round of applause for Ryan Dann.

748. And thank you for coming out tonight.

749. Feel free to touch the ice on your way out.