Joe Pera Helps You Find the Perfect Christmas Tree (2016)

Directed by Marty Schousboe

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Joe Pera as Joe Pera

Joe Pera provides the information necessary to choose the perfect Christmas Tree for you. Species covered will include the Fraser Fir, Balsam Fir, Douglas Fir, White Spruce, Blue Spruce, Grand Fir, Noble Fir, Scotch Pine, and the Concolor Fir.......

Comedy • TV Movie

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Joe Pera: Finding a tree in Michigan is not hard.

2. In fact, I would say that it is easy.

3. There are almost 14 billion of them

4. between the shores of Lake Michigan

5. and Lake Superior to the west,

6. and Lakes Huron and Erie to the east.

7. But finding the perfect Christmas tree

8. is not easy.

9. In fact, I would say that it is hard.

10. Hello. My name is Joe Pera,

11. and I would say that finding the perfect Christmas tree

12. is as hard as kicking a field goal

13. into the wind.

14. And you're kicking for Michigan against Michigan State

15. in the annual game.

16. And Cheryl, the cheerleader you were dating,

17. is on the sidelines wearing a turtleneck under her uniform.

18. - Found a tree yet, Joe? - Not yet, Merle.

19. In early December,

20. most cheerleaders do wear turtlenecks under their uniform,

21. but not Cheryl, who's tougher than the players on the field,

22. and usually does without.

23. Oh, no. Does this mean she's hiding a hickey kiss mark?

24. Is this hickey kisser a better man than me?

25. Not if I kick this field goal,

26. and bring both Cheryl and the Paul Bunyon trophy

27. back to Ann Arbor.

28. Have you decided which species of tree

29. you'll choose yet this year?

30. Me, either.

31. There's so many types to choose from.

32. The absence of snow on the ground

33. is kind of making it tough as well.

34. Anyhow, if you're overwhelmed

35. but excited, too, like me,

36. don't worry.

37. Over the course of this program,

38. we'll explore the various types of evergreens

39. available on the commercial market,

40. and hopefully, by the end, have made up our minds.

41. If not, uh, I've failed.

42. Here's a pine.

43. Here's a pine.

44. Here's a pine.

45. And here's a pine.

46. This Scotch pine belongs to my nana, Josephine.

47. An easy way to tell a pine is that

48. the needles attach to the branches

49. in bundles of two, three, four or five.

50. With minimal care, they can stay fresh for long periods of time,

51. and are relatively inexpensive as well.

52. Joe, are you bringing a girl for Christmas dinner this year?

53. You know I don't have a girlfriend, Nana.

54. I know, but I thought you'd bring one anyway.

55. Uh, no. I don't think so.

56. Well, anyway, did you get yourself a Christmas Tree yet?

57. I looked this morning, but, uh,

58. none of them felt right.

59. I like yours, though.

60. How'd you choose the Scotch pine?

61. They don't shed their needles,

62. and I don't have to bend down to pick up the bristles.

63. How come you don't like to pick up the bristles?

64. Because I'm old.

65. How's the concert coming, Joe?

66. Okay. I'm a little worried

67. the students are gonna mix up two songs, though.

68. Uh, one is a song about snow called "Snow, Snow, Snow,"

69. and the other is a song about snow called "Snow, Snow, Snow, Snow."

70. Good. Let's take out "Snow, Snow, Snow."

71. Mr. Pera, didn't we just sing that song?

72. Uh, no, that one was, uh, "Sn—"

73. Mason, what's our deal?

74. You can have Red Bulls in class,

75. but you can't throw stuff at me.

76. I hate being the bad guy here.

77. Back to pines, though, Nana,

78. did you know that the second oldest tree in the world is a pine tree?

79. Joe, I don't want to hear any more about trees.

80. Here's a spruce.

81. Here's a spruce.

82. And here's a spruce.

83. This white spruce, which was recently cut down

84. by my neighbors Mike, Sue, uh, Patrick and Nicole.

85. Uh, Sue, how did you decide that this was the tree for you?

86. Nice color. Like the shape.

87. It's got those, uh, big, strong branches

88. for hanging heavy ornaments.

89. Have you got a lot of heavy ornaments?

90. Yeah, we've got these big 15 pound ornaments

91. that, uh, we actually, uh, ordered special from the White House,

92. and, uh, they're being delivered tomorrow night

93. by the Secret Service run.

94. They're really from the White House?

95. Yeah. Obama, uh, made them himself.

96. That's amazing.

97. Wow, a well-decorated spruce

98. has all the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, California.

99. Oh. Here, these cookies are from my nana, Josephine.

100. Tell her we appreciate it.

101. I will.

102. How have, uh, rehearsals been?

103. Good. Nicole and all the students

104. have been working real hard.

105. No, that one was "Snow, Snow, Snow, Snow,"

106. and this one is "Snow, Snow, Snow."

107. Um...

108. How about— How about we take a break?

109. Uh, because a very special guest stopped by

110. to, uh, help get you excited for the concert.

111. Um, he's a good friend of mine,

112. and I'm gonna go get him.

113. Hi.

114. I'm John Denver.

115. Anyone know who John Denver is?

116. Mason, give John Denver the Red Bull.

117. Did you know who John Denver was when you were a kid?

118. Oh, a little bit.

119. - So why would you expect children in 2000— - Mom, can we go?

120. Yeah, yeah. Let's get goin'.

121. Okay? Have some soup, decorate the tree.

122. Do you want to join us for soup, Joe?

123. I wish, but, uh, I'm gonna meet Gene for some fish.

124. All right, well, you gave us your cookies,

125. and you came by and petted on our tree.

126. We gotta get inside. Come on, buddy, let's go.

127. Let's go, get up the stairs. Come on!

128. Gotta do some— We're gonna do weights.

129. Beautiful tree, though.

130. Spruce.

131. Here's a fir.

132. Here's a fir.

133. And here's a fir.

134. There's a reason why fir trees have been

135. the official White House tree

136. every year since 1997.

137. How's it goin', Gene?

138. All right, I guess.

139. Christmas after losing a loved one

140. can be particularly hard.

141. I'm sorry about your car getting stolen.

142. I gotta get over it.

143. Fish fries will be up in a sec.

144. Thanks, June.

145. Thanks, June.

146. Have you gotten your tree yet, Gene?

147. Just yesterday. A noble fir.

148. That's great. Congratulations.

149. Is it a big one?

150. You're gonna have to stand on my shoulder

151. to put the star on top.

152. I knew you were a star guy and not an angel man.

153. So, how's the rehearsal going?

154. The boys at the fire hall are excited.

155. Oh, okay. I'm really nervous that the students

156. are gonna mix up "Snow, Snow, Snow"

157. and "Snow, Snow, Snow, Snow."

158. Terrifying.

159. Look at this fish.

160. - Mm. - Oh, baby.

161. We are in for a treat.

162. Mm. You know, Joe,

163. I ran into a Canadian friend at the gas station yesterday,

164. and we got to talkin' about politics.

165. - Felix? - Yeah, you know.

166. And he was gettin' it on,

167. expounding about our country's political and social affairs.

168. A lot of that was hard to argue with,

169. especially after this year.

170. But I reminded him that there is one thing that we can always be proud of.

171. What's that?

172. Our rivers.

173. There is nothing like America's fresh water rivers.

174. The storied Hudson.

175. The unspoiled Yukon.

176. The mighty Colorado that gives life to the southwest.

177. Sometimes I wish I were a fish

178. so I could swim all of them.

179. A salmon in the Columbia,

180. or a trout in the Deschutes.

181. Ooh-woo!

182. Rivers cradled early civilization,

183. and perhaps they can refresh ours now,

184. offering food, energy, infrastructure,

185. and swimming.

186. Rivers bring us together.

187. Give me a better example of international cooperation

188. than the construction of the Saint Lawrence seaway.

189. The International Space Station?

190. Yes, both are inspiring,

191. but our rivers are our nations essential veins.

192. A space station, a fancy cell phone.

193. With global warming, many river experts see

194. the great lakes region becoming a very important area.

195. When Manhattan goes underwater,

196. Buffalo might just become

197. the financial center of the world,

198. Cleveland the fashion capitol.

199. I like the sound of that.

200. Do you think rivers will help solve our social problems,

201. like police brutality?

202. River people don't hurt other river people.

203. Okay, then. That sounds like a good plan.

204. You know, Joe, if you're still having trouble

205. finding the perfect tree,

206. why not get an artificial tree?

207. I don't like fake trees.

208. They take business away from farmers here in Michigan.

209. I would like to say a few other things on the subject but can't,

210. because this is a family show.

211. Oh, hey, Gus.

212. Sorry I'm late.

213. I went to four more tree lots

214. trying to find the tree for us.

215. Got nothin'.

216. If you do get your tree from a lot,

217. take a needle from the one you're considering,

218. and bend it.

219. If it springs back, it's fresh.

220. If it doesn't, it's not.

221. It's December 9th, and I still don't have a tree.

222. My life is falling apart.

223. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself.

224. I mean, a tree can't make or break Christmas.

225. Only people can do that.

226. A tree's never stood me up for Shakespeare in the park.

227. A tree's never told me my coupon's no good.

228. A tree's never catfished me 11 times in two days.

229. Jeez Louise. That was bad.

230. Have you decided what type of tree you'll choose yet?

231. It's an important decision.

232. Cutting down a tree is taking a life.

233. Uh, uh, besides,

234. if you cut down the first tree you see,

235. you won't have the opportunity to wander around

236. the cut-your-own-tree farm with your family.

237. As your two older kids, age seven and nine,

238. run ahead,

239. you take a slower pace with your wife,

240. examining the trees but mostly thinking,

241. "How did I end up with this auburn haired angel?"

242. "Dad, Dad, I found one,"

243. your son George calls from up ahead.

244. To your surprise, your daughter Bailey yells,

245. "He's right, Dad. You gotta come see this tree.

246. "It's perfect."

247. "I'm sure it's a good tree, honey," you say,

248. "but there's no such thing as a perfect tree."

249. And then you spot it and see she's right.

250. It's seven foot tall,

251. tapering from the top at a 40 degree angle.

252. Straight trunk, uniform density.

253. There's not a bare spot, either.

254. Your father-in-law could circle it 100 times,

255. and never find an empty patch.

256. - "Field goal." - "What?"

257. "Finding the perfect tree is like kicking a field goal.

258. "Into the wind.

259. "And you're kicking for Michigan against Michigan State

260. "in the annual game."

261. "You are a weirdo, and you made my kids weirdoes."

262. "You married me."

263. "Only because you're so good at sex."

264. Anyhow, we got a big concert tomorrow,

265. so I'd better get to bed.

266. Hi, Joe. It's me, it's Nana.

267. Just wanted to wish you good luck at the concert tonight.

268. Don't worry if the kids confuse your songs.

269. You're quick on your feet and will think of something.

270. I love ya. Have fun.

271. Oh. Can you pick me up some bananas from the grocery store?

272. Okay. You excited?

273. - Mm-hm. - Okay, you're gonna do good.

274. Okay.

275. Uh, uh, hello.

276. Thank you for coming to the concert.

277. Uh, we hope you're as excited for the holidays as we are.

278. Um, by a show of hands,

279. uh, who's having ham for Christmas dinner?

280. Uh, who's having roast beef?

281. All right.

282. Any turkey?

283. Well, before we all get hungry,

284. let's start the concert.

285. This first number is called "Snow, Snow, Snow."

286. You guys ready?

287. Okay.

288. This next song is "Hanukkah, Oh Hanukkah."

289. Whoa, whoa, guys. Whoa, where—

290. Where are you guys going?

291. Oh, my gosh.

292. What is this?

293. It's a balsam fir.

294. It has a strong scent and great needle retention.

295. A field goal.

296. It's even better than the tree in my dreams.

297. This truly is the tree for me.

298. Wow. Thank you so much, guys.

299. Thank you so much.

300. Thanks, guys.

301. I appreciate it.

302. Thank you.

303. Thank you so much. I appreciate it.

304. Great concert, Mr. Pera, we enjoyed that.

305. Oh, thank you, thank you.

306. Mr. Pera, I have to say what a nice concert that was.

307. You and the kids were so cute up there.

308. Oh, thanks.

309. I'm Mary, Mason's mom.

310. I got upset with him when he told me

311. how much he enjoys throwing stuff at you during class.

312. Oh, it's mostly soft stuff.

313. Can I take a picture of you and Mason?

314. Uh, sure. Yeah.

315. Mason.

316. Mason!

317. Come stand next to Mr. Pera.

318. Come on.

319. Aww.

320. That's very nice.

321. I'm sure you're very busy right now,

322. but after the holidays you should stop by Cheetah's where I bartend.

323. Monday is one dollar sliders night.

324. Yeah. Okay.

325. Cheese is extra, but I won't say anything if you bring your own.

326. I will. I'll bring some slices.

327. All right. Merry Christmas.

328. You, too.

329. - Enjoy your tree. - I will.

330. Uh, Merry Christmas, Mary. Merry Christmas, Mason.

331. There's something special about a Christmas tree

332. covered in lights.

333. It's the best example of natural beauty

334. combined with human ingenuity.

335. The second place is the hydroelectric dam.

336. Well, I'm sorry we got a bit sidetracked,

337. but I hope you now know

338. a bit more about Christmas trees.

339. As far as my field goal analogy goes,

340. I think it's wrong.

341. You should just appreciate the opportunity

342. to play in the big house and kick a ball

343. in front of all those fans.

344. Don't worry about Cheryl.

345. Do your best and have fun.

346. That's my advice to all NCAA athletes.

347. My fish is finished reheating,

348. so I've gotta go.

349. Hope you have a happy holiday, though.

350. Guantanamo Bay is still open.

351. Goodnight.