Joe Dirt (2001)

1. Testing. Testing, testing.

2. One, two, three.

3. Turn it up.

4. Whoo!

5. Dang! Whoo!

6. That's what I'm talkin' about. LA!

7. Hold up. Ho.

8. Radio station I.D.

9. Coming to work.

10. Joe Dirte.

11. Don't try and church it up, son. Don't you mean Joe Dirt?

12. Naming you that, your daddy must've really hated you.

13. You're wrong, brother. I got a good name for this car. Rusty.

14. Shit'll buff out. Don't bother.

15. Jeez, drive this piece of crap off a cliff. Do us all a favor.

16. This look like a piece of crap to you?

17. You like them spinning tires, do you?

18. You suck! You do!

19. Did he hurt you, baby?

20. People like that security guard,

21. they don't really mean what they say.

22. They just got their own issues and whatnot.

23. All's I got to do is keep being a good person.

24. No matter what, good things'll come my way.

25. Everything's gonna happen for me,

26. just as long as I never have "no" in my heart.

27. Can't a guy even take a dump in peace? Psycho.

28. Right on.

29. Things are gonna happen for me. I'm Joe Dirt!

30. I think I'm gonna go to the restroom and take a big Joe.

31. Don't forget to wipe your dirt.

32. You boys got something to say to me?

33. Why don't you talk in the microphone?

34. I got a backup mic right here.

35. Check, one, two. Testing, testing.

36. Yeah, they're both working, and guess what?

37. They don't like no feedback. What's up?

38. What's going on out here? You got to keep it down.

39. Zander Kelly's on the air.

40. Whoa. What's the deal with your haircut?

41. I'm sorry about the noise, sir.

42. Um, this ain't no haircut. This is a wig.

43. A wig?

44. Look at you. Jesus.

45. You know what? I got somebody I want you to meet.

46. Why don't you come with me? Come on.

47. Yeah, that's what I thought.

48. This is Zander Kelly. You're listening to 98.6, KXLA.

49. All aberration radio, all the time.

50. Hey, Zander, Zander, you got to see this guy.

51. God almighty. Manna from inbred heaven.

52. Hey, freak boy. 1976 called, it wants its hairstyle back.

53. Zander, get this. This is a wig. It's a wig?

54. What are you wearing a wig for?

55. What are you doing, stunt work for Billy Ray Cyrus?

56. Freddy, go get Free Bird boy here an all-access laminate for the show in perpetuity.

57. I'm wringing this chamois as long as I can.

58. You are exquisitely pathetic. What's your name, pal?

59. Uh, it's Joe Dirt. But if you're just gonna make fun of me, man,

60. I'll just go back to mopping.

61. Sit down, let me take another tact here.

62. Mr. Dirt, what's with the wig?

63. Well, I was born without the top of my skull,

64. and I guess a little bit of my brains was showing. It was grossing everybody out,

65. so my mom put this wig on me to cover it up.

66. And then the bones grew together and it got all infused and entwined.

67. I mean, I don't mean to get all scientific or whatever.

68. Why didn't your mom change the wig later?

69. Actually, we got separated when I was eight. I got lost.

70. You trying to tell me you've been on your own since eight years old?

71. Pretty much, man. It's a long story, actually.

72. Listen to you. What's the story here?

73. "I'm a white-trash idiot. " The end.

74. Hey, is this where you want to be when Jesus comes back, man?

75. Making fun of poor little Joe Dirt?

76. Probably, because I'm sure Yahweh would be chiming in, too.

77. That's funny, 'cause my mom used to say that to me if she caught me doing stuff.

78. Like one time, I was jerkin' my gherkin. Can I say that?

79. And she goes, "Is this where you want to be when Jesus comes back?"

80. She sounds like a real winner, and it's amazing to me that you turned out like you did

81. with that sort of, uh, mentoring.

82. Hey, man, I... I can't say don't make fun of me,

83. but you really shouldn't make fun of my mom.

84. Hey, you guys, you gotta come hear this guy on the Zander show.

85. Listen. You're on your own. The family's ditched you. What happens next?

86. I mean, do you really care? It's actually not an easy story to tell.

87. Hey, I got four hours a day to fill, man.

88. It's not often I get a freak like you plopped into my lap.

89. Go ahead. I'm a roast. Baste me.

90. All right, man.

91. See, my parents and my sister and I all went to the Grand Canyon.

92. And while they was checking out the sights and the donkeys and whatnot,

93. I somehow got separated from 'em.

94. Easy shot.

95. Ow! Hey, Dad, look. It's the good stuff.

96. None of that pussy Skoal, right, Dad?

97. Dad?

98. Mom!

99. Dad!

100. Mom! Dad!

101. Where are you?

102. Dad!

103. Mom!

104. Where are you?

105. You can come out now.

106. So there I was. A lot of kids would have been scared, but I was all tough about it.

107. I started walkin' till the cops picked me up and put me into a foster home.

108. Like this one guy I fostered out to for about a month,

109. he'd take me hunting with him and his dog.

110. I thought hunting would be, you know,

111. more fun than it was.

112. Now, see, boy? He goes off and fetches the duck. You see how that works?

113. Fun, huh?

114. Yeah!

115. After that I spent some time with these people who worked on a farm.

116. I learned cows don't find bottle rockets as funny as I do.

117. Yee-haw! Oh, yeah.

118. Then there was this one old lady, had me for a couple of weeks.

119. I don't wanna be unkind, but this woman was a little off-balance.

120. You're to be scrubbed clean before supper,

121. and that means washed under your fingernails and back of your ears and

122. dressed in your Sunday best.

123. I expect your schoolwork to be done every night and laid out for my inspection.

124. Is that clear? Yes, ma'am.

125. Uh, can I push him off my leg?

126. He'll stop humping as soon as he's done.

127. Well, the year was 1982.

128. I was 11 years old now, and I'd gotten into a little trouble here and there,

129. so I was living in a juvie home for boys,

130. and I was getting ready to split that scene, and pronto.

131. Bob Seger? Be honest. Back then you were listening to Leif Garrett.

132. It's probably more like this.

133. No, sir, man. I don't like that crap.

134. I'm a rocker, dude, through and through.

135. Here's my favorite bands. AC/DC, Van Halen, not Van Hagar, Skynyrd, Def Lepp...

136. All right. I want you to settle down. Don't make me call your probie officer here.

137. And riddle me this...

138. Other than the fact that you dig looking like Jane Fonda in Klute,

139. why don't you cut the wig now?

140. Well, yeah. I guess I could do that.

141. Zander just asked this Joe Dirt guy why he doesn't cut his wig right now,

142. and you can tell he's never thought of it.

143. Now, you know, except for the ratty 'stache and the pork chops,

144. you're pretty clean-shaven for a kid who lives in a trash can, no?

145. Well, I don't need to shave, 'cause it don't grow in right here and right here.

146. Now, you're telling me that you're so ingrained with white-trash DNA

147. that your facial hair actually grows in on its own all white-trashy like that?

148. Uh, I don't know what you're saying, but that's what's going on, yeah.

149. So, back to the story here. You're on your own...

150. I'm just kinda campin' out or whatever, and this goes on for years, until one night

151. something amazing happened.

152. Man, a shooting star. I gotta make a wish. I wish...

153. I knew what happened that one day at that Grand Canyon place.

154. Whoa.

155. Whoa, whoa.

156. Whoa. Whoa, it's a meteorite. Whoa, check it out! That's cool!

157. Oh, man, look at you. You're probably made out of some precious metal

158. and everyone's gonna want you, but you want to be with me!

159. Right on! You're Joe Meteorite, and I'm Joe Dirt! Whoo!

160. Here on Earth, we call this place a town.

161. A town is a place where everyone hates you. Kids all try to beat you up.

162. Whoa, that's so flat.

163. Awesome.

164. This is gonna be awesome.

165. Holy crap, ladies.

166. Hey, Junior Dirt Bag. You talkin' to your rock?

167. It ain't no rock, it's a meteor, dum-dum.

168. What did it do, land on your barber's head while he was cuttin' your hair?

169. Why don't you go practice falling down. I'll be there in a minute.

170. Hey. You wanna fight, you little queer?

171. Queer? Is this queer?

172. Are these queer? What's up? What's up?

173. Look at this guy. He must be retarded.

174. Hey, retard, you aren't worth it.

175. Come on. Let's go. Yeah? You are.

176. What a wuss. I mean, you aren't... worth it.

177. I told them, meteor. You had my back.

178. You're cool. Whoa, what's that?

179. Five dollars. That's mine now. You're my lucky meteor. Right on!

180. I'll hold your half for ya.

181. Meteor, we call this here "Bein' in burger heaven. "

182. Mmm. Oh, yeah.

183. I need to find a home, Meteor.

184. We need some stability in our lives, man.

185. We need to settle down. Life gets hard, you know?

186. Yeah. Come on, now. It's a little bumpy.

187. Whoa-ho-ho. Look at that town, Meteor. That's pretty.

188. I bet people in a town like that will be nice to us. Let's go down there.

189. Come on.

190. Yeah.

191. No way I'd ever sell you, Meteor. Not in a million years.

192. But just for laughs, let's see how much you're worth.

193. Well, it ain't a meteor. Yeah, it is. It came out of the sky.

194. Well, I'm sure it did, but it ain't no meteor. It's a big old frozen chunk of shit.

195. What? Oh, yeah.

196. See, them airplanes dump their toilets at 36,000 feet,

197. and the stuff freezes and falls to earth.

198. We call 'em Boeing bombs.

199. No, that can't be. That's not what it is.

200. Oh, afraid so.

201. You see the peanut? Dead giveaway.

202. Yeah, that's... That's a space peanut.

203. Well, afraid not.

204. This is a big old frozen chunk of poopie.

205. Dude, you were eating off it.

206. Okay, okay, that's too much, too much.

207. Then what happened?

208. Well, then I got a dog.

209. You're telling me you'd rather have a dog than a frozen hunk of crap?

210. See, it wasn't really my dog. It was this girl's dog.

211. I was livin' in the woods outside of that postcard town I said.

212. It's called Silvertown.

213. And I'd come in to steal stuff, you know, food, whatever.

214. And then one winter...

215. Are you okay, boy?

216. Oh, no. Are your nuts frozen to the porch?

217. Oh, that sucks. Don't pull up.

218. Who are you? It's okay. I was just walking by.

219. I think your dog's in a little trouble here. What's wrong?

220. I think his... Well, you know how when you get your tongue

221. frozen in a freezer 'cause it's all wet?

222. I think he got...

223. Nuts frozen to the porch?

224. Yes, exactly.

225. Oh, baby! What do we do?

226. We got to do something, so do you have something inside? Yeah.

227. Shh. Don't pull up.

228. It's okay, don't move. It's gonna stretch 'em more. That's bad.

229. No. Ow. That's... That's wrong.

230. That's way wrong. Do you got, like, warm water and...

231. A fork!

232. Yeah. No. Ow. What?

233. No, no. A spatula thing. The flat one.

234. I'm sorry, buddy. Just give her a second. Dang.

235. I got it. Now what?

236. Here's what we do. I just pour a little water on here. Now, you hold him.

237. Easy. Now, this ain't no flapjack. Gotta go real easy.

238. Should loosen it up a little bit.

239. And I'm gonna go... I don't wanna look. I'm sorry.

240. One, two, three, go.

241. There. Hey, buddy, you're free.

242. Aw, dang. Good boy!

243. Good job!

244. You might want to spray this whole porch down with PAM,

245. you know, so it doesn't happen again.

246. Okay. What's his name?

247. Charlie. Charlie.

248. And mine's Brandy.

249. Hi, Brandy. I'm Joe Dirt.

250. Nice to meet you.

251. Nice to meet you too.

252. Brandy, get your ass in the kitchen and fire up that stove.

253. You got some cookin' to do.

254. Daddy, can we have my new friend Joe over for supper?

255. What, are you nuts, girl? We ain't runnin' no soup kitchen here, boy.

256. Scat! Get out of here!

257. Long-haired hippie freak.

258. I'll be your friend.

259. For some reason, and I have no idea why,

260. Brandy always wanted to hang out with me.

261. And I had Charlie, so that was cool.

262. For the next couple of years, the three of us was hanging out

263. at the farm in Silvertown. And that was the closest thing I ever had to a home.

264. Till one day...

265. Oh, Dirt, did I get you?

266. Nah, I'm cool. No, you're not.

267. Where's Brandy?

268. She's out riding her horse. She'll be back in a minute.

269. You guys want to play bumper pool? No.

270. How does she put up with you, Dirt?

271. That's a good question, man. She's great, though, ain't she?

272. You know, sometimes it's like she likes me or something.

273. Yeah, dream on, Dirtboy.

274. A girl like that's way out of your league. She wants my body.

275. No, I know, man. That's all... That's for you.

276. I'm... I'm not... We're just totally friends. She's out of my league.

277. Don't ever forget it, Dirt.

278. Check this out, Robby. This is a good month. Dang.

279. This guy's got a dash mat for a '69 Nova he wants to sell,

280. and a car cover for any Dodge from '79 to '84.

281. Man, you don't even have a car.

282. I know, but that's a deal, what he wants.

283. They're usually 80 bucks at Checker, and this guy wants 40, man.

284. Hey, look at this. Charlie, see that?

285. This guy's selling a Hurst speed shifter with a pool-ball grip.

286. One day I'll have a car that badass.

287. I'll be chirping gears and pulling brodies, going, "Rr-rr-rr!"

288. You'll stick your head out the window and check out chick dogs, going,

289. "What's up, baby?"

290. Boy, I swear I oughta slap you silly.

291. I tell you what. Why don't you practice spittin' out teeth,

292. 'cause I swear I'm gonna...

293. Whoa, whoa.

294. Dang. Dang.

295. Hi, Joe. Come here.

296. What's up, goat-roper?

297. Not much, pig-licker.

298. Watch the gun, baby. That's how I get the gals.

299. Come on. I'll treat you to a Dairy Queen.

300. Why are you being all nice?

301. I am always nice to you, Joe Dirt.

302. Hey, Brandy. Can I come too?

303. Robby, I only have enough money for me and Joe.

304. Come on, Joe.

305. Let's do it! Come on, Charlie!

306. Come on, boy!

307. Oh, God. She is so fine.

308. Yeah. One day, I'm gonna marry that girl.

309. Stop!

310. Oh, there you are.

311. Gimme that mutt. I'm takin' him huntin' with me.

312. Daddy, you been drinkin'.

313. Ah, shut the hell up and just give me the mutt now.

314. Hey, if you're taking the dog, I'll go with him.

315. 'Cause I've been hunting before. You, hunt?

316. Wouldn't even use you as a retriever.

317. That was a good one. All right, Charlie, get in the car.

318. Charlie, you mangy mutt. Get in the damn car, you flea-bitten,

319. butt-lickin'...

320. son of a bitch.

321. Two!

322. Yeah!

323. What?

324. Hey!

325. Hey, my foot's stuck!

326. Charlie. Charlie, come here. Come here, Charlie.

327. My foot's stuck, see? See, my foot's stuck?

328. I need your help. I need you to go find Sheriff Williams.

329. Now, go on. Go bring help. Go get help now.

330. Go get him. Run, Charlie! Run like the wind!

331. Run!

332. Run, Charlie.

333. That stupid dog better be bringing somebody.

334. Your dad always hunt this long?

335. Hey, there's Charlie!

336. Charlie!

337. Hi! There's my buddy. Where have you been?

338. There you go, Don. Take 'er easy.

339. Oh, my God!

340. There's that worthless mutt!

341. What happened? This is all that goddamn dog's fault!

342. And I'm puttin' him down.

343. No, you can't!

344. Guess who came back, Charlie?

345. Joe, he's okay now. He's in dog heaven.

346. You gave him a great last couple years.

347. Well, I'll sprinkle his ashes. They'll drift out to sea.

348. He would've liked that.

349. I can't do it.

350. I'm taking him with me.

351. Taking him with you? But... Where are you going?

352. Brandy, you see that moon?

353. You don't know how many nights I spent alone staring at that moon

354. wondering if at that exact moment, my mom or my dad was looking at the same moon.

355. And for that brief second, we were together again, kind of, you know?

356. When I was with Charlie, I didn't miss that moon so much.

357. Brandy, I got a hole in my heart. I don't know how to fix it.

358. I got to find out what happened that day at the Grand Canyon.

359. I don't care how long it takes. I gotta do it.

360. But what if when you're gone some guy asks me to marry him, and you're not here?

361. What's that got to do with me? We're always gonna be buddies, right?

362. Well, if I get married,

363. we might move, and you might not know where to find me.

364. You are gonna make some guy so happy.

365. I just hope whoever he is, he deserves a girl like you.

366. God, that Brandy has a nice ass, doesn't she?

367. I mean, I get this loser talking about the moon

368. and walking his dog, and all the time I'm thinking about

369. Brandy's well-manicured backyard in those cutoff shorts... Ouch!

370. Yeah, she's cool. Anyway, so there I was,

371. on my own again, looking for my parents, but I don't know their last names.

372. It's Dirt. Isn't that the name on the family crest? Dirt.

373. No, see, my last name's Dirt. My dad made my last name Dirt for some reason.

374. Anyway, I just put an "e" on it, pronounce it "Deer-tay. "

375. It's no big deal. It actually sounds pretty cool.

376. But see, I don't know their last name.

377. And I remember my sister yelling it in my face when I was growing up.

378. That's why Dad named you Joe Dirt!

379. That's why Dad named you Joe Dirt instead of...

380. I couldn't remember my real last name.

381. So I knew it was gonna be hard to find 'em.

382. Right, so what'd you do?

383. Right, so then I needed some money.

384. I hopped a train out of Silvertown and headed east for the big city.

385. Then I got lucky.

386. I got myself a real important job in advertising.

387. Molar World. Walk-ins welcome. There you go.

388. Molar World. One for the kid? Sure.

389. Molar W...

390. What's up?

391. Oh, my God.

392. Competition orange, '67.

393. This thing's a Hemi!

394. Ma'am, are you selling this car?

395. Oh, yeah. It literally just went on to the market.

396. How much you want for it?

397. What do you got?

398. Practically nothing.

399. I'm looking for my parents.

400. They lost me at the Grand Canyon more than ten years ago.

401. So all my money goes towards that. I don't have pictures of them or nothing.

402. You don't even have a picture of them? Aww. Well, my ex - husband, before he died...

403. Oh. I'm sorry.

404. Nah. I killed him.

405. He used to beat me, so one night I just pushed him into the wood chipper.

406. Told the cops he fell.

407. Good for you. But he used to be a police sketch artist.

408. Oh, he was damn good too.

409. The victims would give him the worst descriptions,

410. and he would draw them out like photographs.

411. He could do anything, you know?

412. Like age progression and...

413. That's it. That's what I'll do for my parents. How much does that cost?

414. Oh, about 360 bucks.

415. Then that's what I need to make. Thank you.

416. And I'm sorry I can't buy your beautiful Hemi.

417. Oh, no, you can.

418. Give me what you got in your pocket, and she's yours.

419. For real?

420. You hear that, Charlie? We got us a Hemi, brother.

421. That lady gave me a great idea. Hey, Dirt! Dirt!

422. Storm's coming in! Get up on the roof and put some bricks in the tooth!

423. Gotcha.

424. My tooth! My tooth!

425. Help!

426. Hey! Go back!

427. I can see down your shirt.

428. What an ass.

429. Hey, boss, I'm goin' on a break.

430. Hey! Airplane! Help me!

431. Oh, that's not professional.

432. I'd floated all the way to North Dakota.

433. And there I was, scared to death, as I dropped like a stone from the sky.

434. Go back! Go back!

435. But then the most amazing thing happened.

436. I landed next to an oil rig, and they was hiring people.

437. And what they paid was like a sign from above

438. that I was meant to find my parents.

439. Coming down!

440. Hey, bro, come on down!

441. Yeah, baby. Come on, now. Get loose.

442. Whoa, man, I got it. It's comin'.

443. I'll pay for this. I'm new!

444. I'm new. I don't know what to do!

445. Hey, man, you done with that apple core?

446. I'm done with that fart. You want that?

447. Maybe if it came out of Charlene Tilton's ass, I'd take a bite.

448. Yeah, you probably like J. R., you queer.

449. I saw your bumper sticker, "Cowboys' butts drive me nuts. "

450. Is that right? You think that's queer?

451. Is this queer? They're large and in charge and lookin' for chickies.

452. You wanna back that up?

453. You wanna fight? Why don't you stick your head up my butt and fight for air?

454. That's it. You and me. Let's go.

455. You know, I would. I'd love to beat your ass up and down this place.

456. I got to go back to work.

457. Yo, Dirt. You're fired.

458. Here's your week's pay.

459. Dang.

460. Yeah!

461. What's up here? Look down there.

462. What's going on? Here I come.

463. Luckily, my neck broke my fall.

464. I guess you won the battle.

465. Yeah! But I won the war.

466. If you're covered in oil, don't stand next to a fire.

467. Now that's day-one stuff.

468. Keep that Skoal, baby. That's what I'm talking about.

469. So I had my 360 bucks.

470. The next day I was gonna try the police sketch thing,

471. but something happened to my head.

472. See, I spent the night in what I thought was an abandoned circus tent.

473. But I guess it wasn't no circus.

474. I was totally bombed on insecticide, I think.

475. So needless to say, I was in no shape

476. to do anybody any good with my recollections.

477. The guy doing the police sketch thought I was messin' with him

478. 'cause my dad came out looking like Father Time...

479. and my mom came out too butch, and

480. looking way too much like Richard Ramirez.

481. You know, the Night Stalker? Remember that guy?

482. As my head cleared, I realized I needed a different approach.

483. Then I got a brainstorm... Hire an Indian tracker to help me.

484. Man, that's a great idea. They could find anything.

485. It's like in the movies. So I headed for a reservation.

486. You want me to put my ear to the ground,

487. listen for hoofbeats,

488. check for footprints?

489. Look for broken twigs?

490. But this is the modern age.

491. That stuff doesn't work anymore, which is why I had to open this fireworks stand.

492. I wasn't getting by on my tracking wages.

493. Come on. You're supposed to be good at tracking stuff, man.

494. I've got to find my parents.

495. And I've got to figure out a way to sell more fireworks.

496. I'm going broke with this venture also.

497. I see you got them snakes and sparklers

498. but where's the good stuff, man?

499. Good stuff? This is the good stuff, snakes and sparklers.

500. Are you nuts, dude? You need stuff that explodes, go boom!

501. Why is that good?

502. You might as well ask, "Why is a tree good?

503. "Why is a sunset good? Why are boobs good?"

504. Man, firecrackers.

505. You stick 'em in mailboxes, you drop 'em in toilets.

506. You shove 'em up bullfrogs' asses.

507. I would never do that,

508. 'cause I'm gonna be a veterinarian.

509. Well, there you go.

510. Someone shoves an M-80 up a bullfrog's butt, blows him to pieces,

511. he comes back to you to fix it.

512. You win twice, brother. It's good biz.

513. So you're gonna tell me that you don't have no Black Cats,

514. no Roman candles or Screamin' Mimis?

515. No. Oh, come on, man. You don't got no Ladyfingers,

516. Buzz Bottles, Snicker Bombs, Church Burners, Finger Blasters,

517. Gut Busters, Zip-a-dee-do-dahs or Crap Flappers?

518. No, I don't. You're gonna stand there owning a fireworks stand

519. and tell me you don't have no Whistling Bungholes,

520. no Spleen Splitters, Whisker Biscuits,

521. Honky Lighters, Husker Du's, Husker Don'ts,

522. Cherry Bombs, Nipsy Dazers, with or without the scooter stick,

523. or one single Whistling Kitty Chaser?

524. No. Wha...

525. 'Cause snakes and sparklers are the only ones I like.

526. Well, that might be your problem.

527. It's not what you like. It's the consumer.

528. Whee! Lookie there.

529. Oh, that's happening, man. We should get bleachers over here.

530. People'll come from miles around to see this thing.

531. Feast your eyes on a feast of smoke.

532. Oh, dang. It's out. Oh, CNN's gonna turn around and go home now.

533. What's going on, man? I saw a snail over there and he said,

534. "That thing's slow. It ain't movin' fast. It's boring and dull. I'm yawning. "

535. That's a snail watching that. There's a snail in the desert?

536. Yeah, a spaceship dropped him off.

537. Don't focus on the wrong part of the story, brother.

538. And the snail can talk?

539. Yeah, because they gave him powers, the aliens.

540. They made his little voice box... Dude, I'm just sayin' it's dull, all right?

541. This ain't fun. Look at that little piece of char.

542. You need explosions. You need stuff going on, man.

543. No wonder this thing's going under. You got nothing. It's wussy stuff.

544. Well...

545. I got these two sticks.

546. Oh, dang. These are yours? These are Roman candles, brother. That's good stuff.

547. Get this thing full of lighter fluid.

548. Yeah.

549. The Roman candle. Step back a little bit.

550. Yee! That's what I'm talkin' about.

551. That's beautiful. Beautiful? I'm looking for "righteously kick-ass. "

552. You know what we need? Gasoline.

553. Yeah.

554. Breakfast of champions.

555. All right, you might want to take a few extra steps back on this one.

556. God.

557. Oh, man. What did I trip over?

558. There's something metal sticking out of the ground.

559. You okay?

560. What is this thing, man?

561. Maybe we should take it over to that place, the laboratory over in the next town,

562. Los Alamos.

563. That symbol looks very stern.

564. Yeah, man. That's definitely what we should do. That's the right thing.

565. But first...

566. Yeah, jam that in the gas bucket.

567. We'll shoot fireballs at it. We gotta step way back. This is gonna be fun.

568. Whoo-hoo-hoo! Look at that shit!

569. Oh, man, we're gonna get so busted! Let's get out of here!

570. What happened, man?

571. You tripped over that object in the ground. You were knocked out.

572. That thing's an atom bomb, man.

573. I got an idea.

574. "Canyon Rubberneckers tour bus.

575. "The Grand Canyon's number-one purveyor of fine bus tours. "

576. I still don't see why we're going to the tour bus company.

577. Don't you see? All the tourists at the canyon that day my parents lost me,

578. they had cameras.

579. And you can't tell me, in all those pictures they took,

580. there won't be some that accidentally

581. have me and my parents in 'em, man.

582. The company'll have records of who used the tour that day.

583. But that was more than ten years ago.

584. Besides, they won't just hand the records over to us.

585. We're just an Indian and some guy.

586. Uh-uh, man.

587. You can't have "no" in your heart. "No" is not an option, brother.

588. You're not just an Indian. You're Kicking Wing. All right?

589. And one day, you're gonna be Kicking Wing, Animal Doctor.

590. And then you should change your name to Kicking Ass. I would.

591. Oh, man. Swerve them potholes. You know, because of the atom bomb.

592. Ah.

593. One swing, and this here ball-peen hammer will trigger this A-bomb,

594. and it'll blow up the whole city, maybe even half the country.

595. Now, here's what I need.

596. I need you to give me the records

597. of everybody who toured the Grand Canyon on them buses

598. June 13, 1979.

599. I'm not messin' around. I'll hit it. And then it goes bang. All right?

600. Now, while I'm up here waiting,

601. you. Me?

602. Show me them boobies.

603. Dang.

604. Now, even you liked the way that chick looked, didn't you?

605. Even me? What's that supposed to mean, man?

606. I'm just saying, I'm beginning to doubt your hetero street credentials here.

607. I mean, never putting the moves on Brandy...

608. Brandy, man... She's too beautiful.

609. She's way too hot for me.

610. He has no idea that Brandy even likes him.

611. His voice is so sexy. I wonder what he looks like.

612. You're standing there with an atom bomb.

613. Could be Fat Man, could be Little Boy. We'll nail that down later.

614. But anyway, did you get the names you wanted?

615. Yeah, I did, but by the way, it wasn't no atom bomb.

616. Turns out, some skateboarder slapped a Biohazard band sticker on the side of this

617. septic tank for an R.V.

618. Anyway, the cops knew it wasn't a bomb right away.

619. Yeah. Who hasn't seen that scenario played out?

620. It's just an old crapper tank, people.

621. Kicking Wing! Stop it.

622. Somebody help me!

623. Help me!

624. Ew!

625. Is it done? How much is in there?

626. I got the poo on me.

627. You are so pathetic.

628. They decided not even to arrest me.

629. They said being covered in that stinky stuff was punishment enough.

630. Don't you get it, man? Stinky stuff is your milieu. Okay? This is your deal.

631. You are an underachievement nexus in the universe, and

632. it's always gonna be like this, Joey.

633. No, man, but you gotta keep going. What am I gonna do, quit?

634. That's not an option. You got to keep on keepin' on.

635. Life's a garden, dig it? You make it work for you.

636. You never give up, man. That's my philosophy. You hear that in there?

637. You know, the thing that drives me crazy and

638. fascinates me at the same time

639. is that you are so unrelentingly upbeat about your plight.

640. I need more, man. I'll be honest with you. I want to see you in here tomorrow.

641. I want to hear more of the saga of Joe Dirt.

642. All right. Thanks, you guys.

643. All right, Joe!

644. Yeah, baby.

645. You're listening to the Zander Kelly Show on KXLA.

646. All right. Good morning, troops.

647. This is Zander Kelly, and you, of course,

648. are careening headlong into yet another hellish day

649. in the tiny existence you laughingly refer to as your life.

650. I'm here with Joe Dirt.

651. Joey, the tale could not be told in one day, and we've asked you back today.

652. I might say the joint looks great. The toilets are freshly scrubbed.

653. The floor is spick-and-span.

654. Hey, Joe, did you use the stuff with the tiny scrubbing bubbles?

655. They clean the bowl so you don't have to.

656. No, I didn't.

657. Yesterday, provide a little back-story for the listeners,

658. you were telling us that you were covered in crap,

659. and you are a complete loser.

660. Have I nailed the pertinent facts?

661. Well, let me emphasize to the listeners those are your words, not mine.

662. Sorry, Billy Jack. So now you have a bunch of names

663. of people who might actually have a photograph of you and your parents, right?

664. Right. I got a big bunch of names.

665. So now I got to span the country to find all these people,

666. to see if anybody's got a photograph from that one day.

667. "Anderson, Anders, Asnov, Ast... "

668. I mean, all these people were on them tour buses that day?

669. "Belitnikoff... " It's gonna take forever, man. But I gotta do it.

670. Joe Dirt, I wish you luck. I hope you find what you're looking for.

671. And remember that town you're always talking about.

672. Yeah, Silvertown, man.

673. Yes. Silvertown. You make it sound like the most wonderful place.

674. So you've always got Silvertown. Remember that, Joe Dirt.

675. And you remember to keep on keepin' on, man, and you'll be a veterinarian,

676. 'cause I believe people get what they really, really want

677. especially a cool guy like you, Kicking Wing.

678. You know what?

679. You're my first real friend I've found outside of Charlie and Brandy.

680. Oh. Okay.

681. That's good. That's good.

682. That hug was completely asexual. He kind of snuck it up on me.

683. Whateveryou gotta tell yourself, Joe Dirt.

684. I love you, Joe Dirt.

685. So I hit the road with my list of names,

686. looking for tourists who might have photos of my folks.

687. I hit pay dirt when I got a job with a traveling carnival

688. and that's when things got a little weird.

689. Dang.

690. Can I go again? Please?

691. No, you've been on the ride long enough. It's time to go home.

692. I got you, buddy. Who's this chick over here? That your girlfriend?

693. You should see my girlfriend. You'd shit yourself.

694. Really?

695. Tell you what. I'm gonna give you a free spin.

696. I'm gonna talk to your lady friend over there. How 'bout that?

697. Yes!

698. Good job, sir. Yeah, keep 'em straight like that. Good strategy.

699. You know, the life of a carnival worker keeps me free and untethered.

700. I know. That's why I was immediately attracted to you.

701. I could tell you were an outlaw.

702. Is that right? Yeah, I am kind of an outlaw through and through, baby.

703. Damn. Good toss there, sir. Good one.

704. You know, society's got no hold on this outlaw.

705. Damn it! All right, all right. Real close.

706. You know, I'm like a bird. Actually, more like a hard-ass pterodactyl.

707. This is bullshit!

708. Hey, God forbid you don't win after throwing only two quarters, man.

709. It's a business. It ain't UNICEF, okay?

710. I got a good mind to take my outlaw ass and... Yeah, you better walk away, hardass.

711. Some people, right?

712. I know.

713. So later on, I'm pickin' up my Hemi Road Runner. That's right, I said Hemi.

714. Wow. A Hemi?

715. Balls to the wall. Oh, yeah.

716. I left it here. Friend's house.

717. Well, actually it got towed two years ago. But I'm gonna pick it up this afternoon.

718. I might need a pretty little lady

719. to sit on the front seat with me while I break her in...

720. The car, I mean.

721. What do you say?

722. That's a big 10-4.

723. Hey, my man. I got a big date tonight. I'm here to pick up my ride.

724. License and registration?

725. Yes, sir.

726. She's gonna freak out when she sees my wheels.

727. Total impound fees come to $3,496.

728. Plus 35 bucks for the tow.

729. What?

730. Three thousand, man... That's more than I paid for the whole car!

731. Oh. Hmm. Interesting.

732. You want it or not? Yeah, but...

733. I think that all I got's, like, 450 bucks.

734. This is a business. This is not a charity.

735. Maybe one day UNICEF will get into the impound business.

736. But until then, we're the people to see.

737. I'll tell you what I could do.

738. I could sell you a car for 450 bucks, but

739. it ain't gonna be no Hemi.

740. I thought you had a Hemi.

741. Yeah, I had to have a footprint gas pedal installed.

742. So I stole this pile.

743. Oh. My outlaw.

744. That's right. Let's go.

745. So, I had fun tonight.

746. Even though you took me to the carnival that I was already at.

747. Yeah, I had fun too. Hey, listen. Can I ask you a question?

748. Mm-hmm.

749. If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

750. Sure would.

751. Wanna go to my place? Sure do.

752. All right. Finish your story. Why do you live with foster parents?

753. Well, because when I was, like, nine or ten years old

754. my parents pulled over on the side of the road to look at that big dinosaur

755. out there in California, Mm-hmm.

756. And the next thing I knew, they were gone.

757. Wait a minute. Did you have a brother?

758. Mm-hmm. I did.

759. So, you wanna go back in the house?

760. We can have sex.

761. She's your sister, dude. She's gotta be. And you made out with her, man!

762. What's wrong with you, you pervert?

763. Well, I didn't know she was my sister when I kissed her.

764. So it's not my fault. And she's one of the hottest girls on the planet.

765. You just said your sister's hot!

766. What a freak! You're goin' to hell, man!

767. I got to tell her what happened, why I got weird.

768. And for God's sakes, I got to treat her like a sister.

769. Joe...

770. Oh! Joe, no!

771. We've got questions comin' in from...

772. Boss, the phones are goin' nuts. That was a bombshell.

773. Wait, wait, man. I found out later that she wasn't my sister.

774. Oh, thank God!

775. Thank God, dude! That was gonna be a little much.

776. So I did a real bad thing there,

777. 'cause I think you're my sister.

778. Is that all? No!

779. My family's last name is Buckwalter. My brother's name is Cletis.

780. So, you see, we're not related. We can have sex again.

781. Joe, what's the matter? Don't I turn you on?

782. I don't know what the problem is.

783. Well, would it help if you went back to thinkin' I'm your sister?

784. Like I'm some sort of white-trash perv?

785. I'm your sister! I'm your sister!

786. Oh, you're my sister!

787. Oh, no! I'm kiddin', I'm kiddin'.

788. I just made that last part up for laughs, you guys, I'm tellin' you.

789. Let's break it off for today.

790. You haul your mangy ass in here tomorrow morning, and we will continue

791. the fascinating saga that I'm now referring to as

792. "The Legend of Dirty Joe. "

793. Hi, this is Brandy. I'm not here right now. Please leave a message.

794. Hey, Brandy, it's Joe. I'm out in L.A.

795. They got me on a radio station tellin' my story to everybody.

796. I didn't get to the sad part yet.

797. I'm guessin' you had reasons for doin' what you did.

798. And I guess I'm just callin' to say goodbye.

799. I miss you, Brandy.

800. Okay.

801. You're listening to The Zander Kelly Show on KXLA.

802. Good morning, L.A. Zander here. We're sittin' with

803. the king of all dirt-balls, Mr. Joe Dirt.

804. You know, last night when I went home, rented The Andromeda Strain,

805. just so I could simulate immersion into that bacteriologically unsound

806. world you call your day-to-day life. And I feel like

807. I know where you live. I've got you in my crosshairs now.

808. Uh, we're gonna go back to your story, pick it up.

809. What really happened was, I had a car now

810. so I left the carnival and kept runnin' down the names on my list

811. lookin' for people who took those photos at the Grand Canyon.

812. Somewhere in Indiana I hit a little snag.

813. I found a guy who had pictures, but he turned out to be a freak.

814. I guess this is the place. Buffalo Bob's kind of a weird name.

815. But people say Joe Dirt's a weird name, and how cool am I?

816. Excuse me, sir.

817. Hey, there, young fella.

818. Hey. I'm lookin' for a guy named Buffalo Bob.

819. Real name's Tim. How can I help you?

820. Well, I wanted to talk to you about the time you went to the Grand Canyon.

821. Sure. Why don't you come on inside? What'd you say your name was?

822. Joe Dirt.

823. It puts the lotion on!

824. You have no idea what kind of hell I can bring you!

825. Oh, all right!

826. Enough, you broken record! Okay! I've been down here for two weeks, man.

827. What do you want?

828. It puts the lotion on its skin, now!

829. Well, say it, don't spray it, brother! Dang.

830. I need a towel now.

831. It does what it's told!

832. There. Look. I'm puttin' the lotion on the skin.

833. I'm rubbin' it in.

834. Hey, to tell you the truth, brother, between you and me,

835. that thing with the dog is comin' off a little fruity.

836. That's just me talkin'. I don't...

837. Where's my supplies?

838. Yeah. Come on, man. I thought we had a deal.

839. Aw, for Christ's sake! Here!

840. Ha-ha-ha! Whee, Auto Trader!

841. Ooh, August. I don't got this one.

842. There's some deals in here. Oh, check this out. A '71 'Cuda,

843. plum crazy purple.

844. This guy wants 14 grand.

845. What?

846. I'd give him 7,500. I used to have one of these. This guy's crazy.

847. We've got the place surrounded. Come out with your hands in the air.

848. Uh-oh.

849. Hey, a little help? There he is, boys! Get him!

850. Get him! Man in the hole.

851. Down here.

852. Stay on your back!

853. I hear people.

854. Hey, it puts the Joe Dirt in the hole.

855. Yeah, he was gonna flay you alive, then use your skin to cover himself

856. like a Joe Dirt trench coat.

857. Oh, yeah? That's gross, man.

858. I think these are pictures from the Grand Canyon.

859. Yeah, he's been takin' hundreds of photos over the years,

860. lookin' for skin that he liked.

861. Then he was gonna wear the skin around the house

862. with his wiener tucked under, kinda like a woman.

863. That's sick, man.

864. I think that's little me in the garbage can!

865. No way. And that's my... my dad and my mom.

866. And this is our car,

867. and it's got... Louisiana plates.

868. Hell, yeah, I'm going to Louisiana, brother!

869. So, I cruised down south to New Orleans and found a base of operations

870. for my search at a local grade school.

871. I was gonna be a janitor.

872. Mostly mopping. Once in a while you got a problem with the boiler.

873. You have to hit it with a hammer, but it's a good job.

874. That's all right. I appreciate this job, man.

875. This'll be a good base for me here in Louisiana while I look for my parents.

876. I got a picture of 'em.

877. I don't recognize them.

878. If you find them, are you gonna tell 'em what happened to you?

879. Oh. That Buffalo Bob thing? There's not much to tell.

880. I heard some things. It's not good. He's a bad guy.

881. What... What exactly did you hear?

882. The past is past, the future's now.

883. That's true. Amen to that.

884. Clem, are you from around here? 'Cause your accent sounds like

885. New York or somethin'.

886. No. I'm from here.

887. Born and raised. No, not here.

888. Over in Kansas.

889. Is this your wife?

890. Ex-wife.

891. She was shot six times.

892. New York City. I mean, Kansas.

893. She was somethin'. Her eyes were somethin'. Azure, you know.

894. Honey-blonde hair. Her body...

895. Her legs went on for days.

896. If she was here right now, maybe we'd have a house with a little fence

897. up in Silvertown, that place you talk about.

898. That's a nice place.

899. You, uh... you really loved her, huh.

900. You might say that. Yeah.

901. Clem, a kid puked in the cafeteria again.

902. We need a cleanup right away.

903. I'm on it!

904. That's you.

905. Oh.

906. Whoa! Hey, I'm Joe. Where's the throw-up?

907. Over there in the middle of the lunch room.

908. Hey, I'll get that cleaned up lickety-split.

909. Speakin' of lickety-split, let's meet up later, see what's goin' on.

910. I'm kiddin'. But seriously, let's hook up.

911. I'm new in town, kinda lonely, lookin' for my parents.

912. Yeah. Well, the puke pile's right over there.

913. It's a pretty big pile of puke.

914. So, clean the puke. Okay.

915. Well, well, lookie here.

916. Corn off the cob.

917. This kid should get his money back.

918. Look! The janitor's gonna eat the puke! They're hilarious, huh?

919. I assure you I won't. I'm a vegetarian, and it looks like

920. there's some meat in there.

921. I like kids. They seem to like...

922. They seem to like me.

923. I'll try the old reverse psychology.

924. I like gettin' hit with hot dogs. It don't bother me none.

925. Oh! Stop it!

926. I guess I'm lucky it wasn't hot chili day today.

927. Aah!

928. Okay, class, let's hear what these results are.

929. If my calculations are correct, this will create ice.

930. Oh, no!

931. Killer mustard gas!

932. What'd you say? Whoa.

933. You're talkin' to me all wrong. It's...

934. It's the wrong tone.

935. You do it again, I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron.

936. Is that right?

937. Let me ask you somethin', huh.

938. Does your mother sew?

939. Boom!

940. Get her to sew that!

941. Whoa!

942. You'd think those stupid punks could come up with somethin' funnier than

943. "Don't eat it! Don't eat it! Here's a hot dog!"

944. Whoa, whoa. Hey, what's goin' on, man?

945. Did you kick their asses?

946. He saved us from the mustard gas. Whoa.

947. You saved our lives, Clem.

948. Whoa!

949. Not me! That's the guy!

950. No, you're the one that carried us out. Shut up, you hard-on.

951. That's the guy! That's the hero!

952. All right, well, then, thank God for Joe Dirt.

953. Oh, no, man, It wasn't me.

954. That's Joe Dirt!

955. Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!

956. Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!

957. Come on, Joe Dirt!

958. How does it feel to be a hero, Joe?

959. Over here, Mr. Dirt. Oh, uh, well, it's like this.

960. Probably feels good, especially after that brutal run-in with Buffalo Bob.

961. I don't know why you ask about that guy. Nothin' happened.

962. That's not what I heard.

963. What's the deal with your haircut, Joe?

964. It's a wig. I was born without the top of my skull.

965. Everybody, I'm lookin' for my parents.

966. Here's a picture of them. It's taken 15 years ago at the Grand Canyon.

967. If anybody has any information on the whereabouts of 'em,

968. please call this number, okay. You might get a machine.

969. But if a girl answers, her name's Brandy. Give her your info.

970. I appreciate any help I can get.

971. That bein' said, here's the real scoop.

972. I ain't the guy that saved them kids.

973. Oh, my God.

974. I'm sorry, man. Here's the real hero.

975. His name's Clem Doore, and he's from Josette, Louisiana.

976. He's a friend of mine.

977. Oh, no.

978. He's your real hero, people, not me.

979. Let's go. Come on, come on. Move it, move it.

980. Move your asses. Come on. Okay, this is where that rat bastard lives.

981. You two shoot him low, you shoot him high.

982. I'm gonna shoot him right through his heart. All right, let's go.

983. Come on, let's move it! Kick it in! Kick it in!

984. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

985. What happened here? Don't I know you from somewhere?

986. I don't know. What's goin' on?

987. Wait a minute, yeah. You're that guy that had that run-in with that

988. psycho over in Indiana. Buffalo Bob, right?

989. Yeah. It was really no big deal. No big deal?

990. That's not what I heard.

991. Is Clem all right?

992. No, he's dead.

993. He's dead? Man, what happened?

994. Your buddy Clem's real name was Anthony Benedetti.

995. He was the former boss of the Cammalleri crime family.

996. He was in town here on the Federal witness relocation program.

997. What?

998. He turned informer when the Syndicate executed his wife.

999. His old cronies must've somehow found he was down here

1000. and they came and killed him.

1001. He killed all them too.

1002. Uh, it's a big mess.

1003. Oh, my God, man. This is my fault.

1004. Hey, hey, hey! Whoa! Whoa, whoa.

1005. Can you be cool and let me just talk to him for a second here, man?

1006. He's a friend of mine. This whole thing's my fault.

1007. All right, go ahead.

1008. Clem, I didn't know you didn't wanna be on TV.

1009. I was just tryin' to get the word out about my parents, man. I'm so sorry.

1010. But maybe you'll find your wife in heaven.

1011. She'll be just how you remembered her.

1012. Them big doe eyes.

1013. That soft honey-blonde hair.

1014. Smooth tan skin.

1015. Huge pert rack.

1016. Long legs goin' up to that tight butt.

1017. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

1018. Clem, you asshole. Are you alive?

1019. Shh. They're pretending I'm dead so's they can move me.

1020. I just didn't know you were in this witness protection thing, brother.

1021. I never would have said your name on TV, man.

1022. It's okay. I felt it was time to move on anyway, you know.

1023. Maybe find a better town.

1024. Joe, there's somethin' you should think about. I was thinkin' about that car.

1025. The Rambler wagon. That's a rare car.

1026. People would remember selling a car like that.

1027. Where's that dead guy?

1028. Wait, wait, Joe. Wait.

1029. Take care, Joe Dirt.

1030. Whoa. Watch my hair.

1031. Yep, those came with a six-cylinder 258 automatic with three on the tree.

1032. Sweet-lookin' little things, weren't they?

1033. For sure, man. How many?

1034. Well, that's what I'm tryin' to call up here.

1035. Now let's see. In Louisiana, 1968, we sold...

1036. Wee, doggy! Seventy-three of those little buggers.

1037. Now you tell me your daddy's name, and I'll tell you the dealership where he bought it.

1038. That's just it. I don't know his name. That's what I'm tryin' to find out.

1039. Oh. Well, then...

1040. The best I can do is give you a printout of all 73 people who bought the car.

1041. Later, if you come up with their last name, you can go on from there.

1042. By the way, I'm only doin' all of this 'cause I heard that Buffalo Bob guy shoved

1043. a road flare up your bunghole. What?

1044. Hoorah. What... I keep hearin' about this guy.

1045. Nothin' happened with him. Nothin' weird. Nothin'.

1046. Anyway, that list had names from all over the state.

1047. But I was flat broke. I didn't have no money for gas.

1048. So, I found a job, and that led to the biggest break In my case yet.

1049. I don't know, Joe.

1050. The way you describe that town out in the northwest, Silvertown.

1051. Hell, I have half a mind to move there myself.

1052. Can I ask you a question?

1053. Sure, honey. Shoot.

1054. Your mom and dad still alive.

1055. No.

1056. Did they die?

1057. One night, they got swallowed up by the biggest damn gator we ever had.

1058. No.

1059. Before they died, they killed that gator

1060. from the inside by punchin' out his heart, is my guess.

1061. That's brutal.

1062. The brutal part?

1063. Later that night, I took my mama's hedge clippers

1064. and cut open that gator and pulled my folks out of its belly.

1065. See, I just couldn't stand the thought of my parents

1066. being turned into alligator shit.

1067. God, I hate these nasty things!

1068. Hurry up, Phillip.

1069. If I met the right man...

1070. I mean, hell, I'd just shut this old gator farm down and...

1071. But, you know, you probably don't wanna hear all my problems, huh.

1072. MAN ON P.A SYSTEM: Folks, grab the kids. The gator show's about to start.

1073. Yeah. Well, I'd better go. It's show time.

1074. There's three things to remember when dealin' with a deadly alligator.

1075. And, yes, they are deadly. Don't kid yourself.

1076. Rule number one, I'm number one.

1077. You hear that? I like to kid around.

1078. Rule two. The croc's number two. Now, before I begin...

1079. Hey, what's rule three? What's that? Kid, give me a break now.

1080. So, you don't know rule three?

1081. Yeah, you want a match.

1082. My face and your ass. How about that, friend, huh.

1083. I mean, your ass and my face. What's up? Here we go.

1084. I'm a bit of a crocophile, so don't try this at home.

1085. This here's Rocky, and he ain't no puppy.

1086. Now, let's see if Rocky's got some cavities. Ahh.

1087. Now, this mofo knows not to mess with Sir Joseph Dirt.

1088. Aah! You didn't listen to me!

1089. Aah! Aah!

1090. Rocky! Rocky! No!

1091. Come on, eh. Rocky!

1092. Rocky! Oh!

1093. Aah! Aah!

1094. Oh, when bad pets go bad, dang!

1095. Oh, Joe, are you all right?

1096. It's like the cartoons. I'm seein' all tweet-tweet.

1097. Joe, what can I do for you?

1098. You're not makin' any sense.

1099. Not makin'?

1100. That's why Dad named you Joe Dirt instead of Nunamaker!

1101. Nunamaker! Nunamaker!

1102. That's what my sister said on the way to the Grand Canyon.

1103. My last name's Dirt, her last name's Nunamaker!

1104. That's my parents' last name!

1105. I checked my list of Rambler wagons, and there it was, Nunamaker.

1106. Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

1107. I was finally home.

1108. Sir.

1109. Hey, Mister, you know the people who live here, Nunamaker?

1110. They moved.

1111. What's that?

1112. Moved!

1113. They moved. 'Bout 15 year ago.

1114. Had a little boy. Had exact kind of haircut you got now.

1115. Damn, you outta date, boy. Yeah, man. That little boy, that's me.

1116. My parents were... This was my home.

1117. I thought this was it this time.

1118. Nah. Home is where you make it.

1119. You like to see homos naked?

1120. Home is where you make it.

1121. You like to see homos naked. That's cool, man. Whatever. No, no, no, no, no!

1122. Home is where you make it!

1123. Home where you make it.

1124. Oh.

1125. Everybody know that. Goddamn, boy.

1126. Guy likes to see homos naked. That don't help me.

1127. So, there I was, right back where I started all those years ago,

1128. and no closer to findin' my parents.

1129. And I think a little part of me died right there.

1130. But you know that saying, "Things get the darkest before dawn"?

1131. I thought I had broken my ass bone.

1132. So, I tried not to move. And I'm Iyin' there starin' at the moon,

1133. and for the first time in my life, I think about not gettin' back up.

1134. Maybe I'll just lie there for the rest of my life, you know.

1135. But then, suddenly, while starin' up at the moon,

1136. I had this strange feeling that exact moment,

1137. Brandy was starin' at that same moon.

1138. And we were together.

1139. And just then, all the tumblers fell into place.

1140. And this door opened in my head, and all at once I understood everything.

1141. You have to find the real answer inside yourself.

1142. And the answer for me was that I had a home all along,

1143. with a friend that really cared about me. Brandy. I missed her like crazy,

1144. and I decided it was time to go home. My search was over.

1145. Brandy, wish I hadn't gotten the machine. It's me, Joe.

1146. I got some crazy stuff to tell you,

1147. but the most important part is I'm comin' back to Silvertown. I can't wait to see you

1148. and tell you everything. Brandy, I...

1149. Message deleted.

1150. Yeah! Whoo!

1151. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

1152. Well, well, well.

1153. If it isn't dirty Joe Dirt. Hey, Robby, what's crappenin'?

1154. Don't get smart with me, you motherless dirtbag!

1155. You been here long enough.

1156. I'm here to see Brandy.

1157. Brandy? My Brandy? You haven't heard? Me and her are gettin' married.

1158. Yeah. And besides, she don't wanna see you anyway.

1159. I don't believe that.

1160. Well, it's true.

1161. She found your stupid parents. What?

1162. Yeah, she found 'em down in California. But she didn't wanna tell you,

1163. 'cause she wants you gone, out on the road lookin' for nothin',

1164. so you won't be here. She's sick of all your crap. She's sick of helpin' you.

1165. And she's just plain sick of you. No, she wouldn't do that.

1166. I know Brandy. She wouldn't not tell me about my parents.

1167. I don't care how sick of me she is.

1168. Yeah well, check out this note she left me.

1169. In case you called and I answered the phone.

1170. "Dear Robby,

1171. "if Joe calls,

1172. "don't tell him

1173. "I found his parents.

1174. "I'll be back in a few days. "

1175. See, she signed it right there. "Brandy. XOXO."

1176. That's right, Dirt. Nobody wants you in this town.

1177. Nobody wants you around, period!

1178. Aww.

1179. Look at him, fellas.

1180. You cryin', boy? You cryin', boy?

1181. Maybe we'll go to McDonald's and get you a whaa-burger and some French cries!

1182. How about a Whineken? You little sissy boy! Def Leppard sucks!

1183. For the record, I wasn't crying'. There was dirt in my eyes.

1184. Joey, it's not cuttin' it, man. It's jive.

1185. My story no, man. Everything I said is true.

1186. No, not your story. Brandy. Brandy is jive.

1187. And I wanna get her on the phone right now. I wanna track her down.

1188. And I wanna ask her why she was playin' these games with you.

1189. No, man. You don't need to bother her none.

1190. Freddy? Freddy, get line 3 on speaker.

1191. No. You know what, guys, I'm fine.

1192. Everything's cool with me. I got a place up in Malibu, I got lots of friends.

1193. I do worry about you, man. You know why? Because you're livin' In a boiler room, Joe.

1194. Yeah, I got a couple places.

1195. You know what, Joey? I think you... You know what, I can't believe I'm sayin'...

1196. I think we need some resolution here. We need a little closure.

1197. I wanna get this woman on the phone, and I wanna ask her what

1198. the hell was goin' on back then. Did she find your parents?

1199. Did she ever track 'em down and if she did, well, why couldn't she have called you?

1200. Hello.

1201. Well, well, well, the famous Brandy, Tokyo Rose of the trailer park.

1202. Hey, Brandy, I'm sittin' here with a friend of yours,

1203. a little white-trash treasure that you might know by the name of Joe Dirt.

1204. Ring a bell? Joe?

1205. Yeah, Joe. And I don't think he wants to talk to you, Brandy.

1206. And you know why? 'Cause over the last few days, my listeners

1207. and I have heard an amazing story.

1208. You know what? When he first started this story, I thought of you as a good person.

1209. But the more it rolled on down the road, I'm not sure you are

1210. a good person, Brandy. Why didn't you tell him you'd found his parents?

1211. Oh, my God. How'd he find out?

1212. So the letter Robby showed Joe is true? You wrote that?

1213. Yes, I wrote that letter,

1214. because I wanted to tell Joe in person.

1215. And months went by, and he never came home.

1216. Joe, I did find where your parents were.

1217. Joe, brace yourself for this.

1218. Your parents are dead, Joe.

1219. They died that day at the Grand Canyon.

1220. Their car was hit by a passin' truck, a hit-and-run.

1221. I'm so sorry, but your search is over.

1222. Come home, Joe, so I can take care of you.

1223. Oh, man.

1224. I gotta go.

1225. Sure.

1226. Thank you.

1227. All right, we'll, uh... We'll take a break.

1228. Yeah, he's Joe Dirt!

1229. Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt! You rule, Joe!

1230. You rule! Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!

1231. Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!

1232. The phenomenon of Joe Dirt has captured

1233. the city's imagination. The little man, the ordinary person

1234. who endured enormous adversity, and all the while maintained

1235. his positive outlook on life, teaching us along the way,

1236. "You can't have 'no' in your heart,"

1237. and "Life's a garden. Dig it. " Mr. Dirt is seen here meeting

1238. one of his longtime idols, Eddie Money.

1239. Welcome back to TRL.

1240. We are here with America's sweetheart, Joe Dirt. Joe? Joe, come back over here.

1241. Joe! We have a show to do here.

1242. People forget we're live. You like the window, don't you?

1243. Yeah!

1244. Joe, before we wrap this up, is there anything else you wanna say?

1245. I just wanna say thanks to all the people that

1246. stop me in the street and tell me my story helped them somehow.

1247. And your story is really cool. It's like a Behind the Music without the music.

1248. But are you depressed I mean, your parents, who you were looking for,

1249. all along, were dead. Was the last decade a complete waste?

1250. Well, uh, no one's really put it like that, but I don't think so.

1251. I've had some good times, met some cool people, cruised around, cranked some tunes.

1252. What about Brandy Is there any chance you guys are gonna hook back up?

1253. Um, well, you know, she's a good friend of mine, and she's off doin'

1254. her own thing right now, but I've always said she's a little too hot

1255. for old Joe Dirt. I agree. So does America.

1256. In fact, in our latest "Is Brandy too hot for Joe Dirt?" poll,

1257. 61 % of you agreed. Even worse, 4% said the dog was too hot for you.

1258. Dang. I'm just kidding. You're on TRL, California.

1259. Hello, California.

1260. Hey, wait... Am I... Am I on? I'm on?

1261. Hey, baby, I'm on! Yeah. Hey, Carson, how big's your Johnny?

1262. Joe, I think happy hour started a little early in California.

1263. A little drinky-drinky. The reason I'm really callin' is Joe Dirt's parents

1264. ain't dead. I'm lookin' at his father right now, and I'm his mama.

1265. Ma'am, you should never drink the bong water. Yeah, listen to him.

1266. Carson, just where you wanna be when Jesus comes back?

1267. Makin' fun... Sorry, Joe.

1268. Wait, wait. Where's that call comin' from? California.

1269. Listen, I gotta go.

1270. Oh, no, Joe!

1271. So, Carson helped me trace the call,

1272. and it led me to this old trailer park in Simi Valley, California.

1273. Wow. Wow.

1274. That's our old car!

1275. Right here, guys. There he is.

1276. Joe, can I have an exclusive?

1277. Your parents are alive after all?

1278. Joe! Joe! How are you feeling?

1279. Mom, Dad, is that you?

1280. Our baby's home.

1281. Damn. We tried so hard to find him. We looked high and low.

1282. I got some pictures here. Look at this. Here's a picture of Joe

1283. when he was a baby. Did you get it? Yeah. Aw, baby.

1284. You were a cute baby, Joe Dirt. That's why we were so crazy

1285. when we lost him. I mean, he's here and now he's gone.

1286. Oh, mama, it's all right. Where'd he go? Aw.

1287. Did they get it? Oh, where'd he go?

1288. I was at the canyon, yeah. You know what?

1289. It was right by the garbage can where you left me.

1290. Wha...? Is that where you were? Well, I'll be dipped.

1291. The one place we didn't look. I knew you looked for me.

1292. I told everybody you would. And was there ever a time

1293. when you would look at the moon, and was hopin' maybe

1294. I was lookin' at it too?

1295. Wouldn't you know

1296. that I've been doin' this clown sort of thing? Can everybody get a shot

1297. of these? Do you see these clown figurines? Whenever I used to get sad,

1298. I'd just look at a clown, and then I just can't help it. I just can't stop grinnin'.

1299. They're available for purchase.

1300. We're startin' this Clown. Com kind of a thing.

1301. Yeah.

1302. I don't mean to interrupt your clown pitch there,

1303. but how exactly do you not go right back to the place where you saw me?

1304. Hey, how exactly is a rainbow made?

1305. How exactly does the sun set?

1306. How exactly does the Posi-Trac rear end on a Plymouth work?

1307. It just does.

1308. I'm not talkin' about Posi-Trac.

1309. I'm talkin' about me. How long did you look for me before you gave up?

1310. How long were you ridin' in that car before you realized I wasn't in it?

1311. Exactly how long?

1312. All right! We didn't lose him.

1313. We just left him. So what? The dude's doin' fine!

1314. Look at him!

1315. How could you do that to me? I was only eight years old.

1316. I was just a little kid. Do you have any idea what it's like to be a kid and

1317. have nobody around to talk to? No one that cares if you're alive or dead?

1318. Every day you just think you're worthless, and there's a void in your life.

1319. Oh, come on, honey. Lose that frown! Lighten up, buddy.

1320. When you're down, stare at a clown.

1321. Hey, sit down! You're blockin' the cameras! Move over.

1322. I don't care about that! And I don't care about you!

1323. And I don't wanna see you for another 25 years! Joe, wait!

1324. I wish he'd never found us! Look what he did to my children!

1325. Hey, TV people!

1326. Hey, you're grounded! Hey, TV people! Why are y'all goin' away?

1327. Come over here! You don't have to follow him!

1328. What are you gonna do now, Joe?

1329. Somebody do something.

1330. Joe, just turn around now. It's not worth it, Joe.

1331. We are here at Wallace Bridge,

1332. where local celebrity Joe Dirt is threatening to kill himself.

1333. Come on, Joe. Remember what you said on the show,

1334. "Life's a garden. Dig it?"

1335. You gotta get down from there, brother. You don't wanna do this.

1336. Why not, man, I got nothin'. I've been lookin' forever

1337. for those people, and everyone lies to me, man.

1338. I'm worthless.

1339. Joe!

1340. Hey, sorry, lady. You can't cut through here. Joe, it's me, Brandy!

1341. Oh, it's Brandy? Like, the Brandy? Yes!

1342. Why didn't you say so. Come on!

1343. Hey, everybody, Brandy's here! Hey, it's Brandy!

1344. Come on, come on.

1345. That's her!

1346. Joe!

1347. Brandy?

1348. I'm here, Joe.

1349. You told me my parents were dead, and I saw 'em.

1350. They're horrible. Why did you lie to me?

1351. They saw you on the news when you saved those kids. They thought you got a reward.

1352. So you did see 'em first. So it's just like Robby said.

1353. Yes, but once I met them, I knew I had to protect you from them.

1354. They're bad people. You're not like them, Joe.

1355. They didn't leave you. You left them. You've gotta see that.

1356. And, Joe, if you had stayed with them, you wouldn't have turned out

1357. as wonderful as you are.

1358. Robby said you didn't want me around,

1359. and he said that you was always laughin' at me behind my back.

1360. Why would Robby say such a thing? Of course that's not true.

1361. I love you, Joe, with all my heart.

1362. I wanna get married, Joe, and have little Joe Dirts. Come home, Joe.

1363. You had a home all along. You just couldn't see it.

1364. You really love me?

1365. I did it! I did it! I roped him with a bungee cord.

1366. No!

1367. Dang!

1368. Joe! Joe!

1369. Ooh!

1370. Oh, man. I just had the weirdest dream.

1371. You were in it.

1372. So were you.

1373. Oh, my God. Brandy, I'm home?

1374. Clem, Charlene, Kickin' Wing.

1375. It's not Clem anymore.

1376. It's Gert B. Frobe.

1377. Wha?

1378. Witness Protection relocated me. I asked for Silvertown,

1379. on account of how you talked about it. It's wonderful here.

1380. Hello, Joe Dirt.

1381. You taught me to sell the good stuff. Now I have

1382. 30 fireworks stands, which completely fund my animal shelters.

1383. It's all because of you, Joe.

1384. Good job, brother.

1385. I sold the gator farm, after one of those bastards snapped off my thumb

1386. and middle finger. I came up here to check up on you, and, well,

1387. I met Gert B. Frobe.

1388. And it's a good thing that gator didn't get my ring finger,

1389. because Gert's asked me to marry him.

1390. Yeah.

1391. Right on. Joe.

1392. When you were in the hospital for your head injury, I had the doctor

1393. surgically put on a wig that's a little more contemporary.

1394. Ooh! Dang! That's cool.

1395. And Joe, we have a big surprise for you.

1396. What's up?

1397. My Hemi! You got it outta hock for me? Dang! Yeah!

1398. Somebody else wants to get in here.

1399. Who's that?

1400. Come on, boy! Come on! Wow! Looks like Charlie!

1401. Yep. Apparently, back in the day, Charlie had a little sexual

1402. encounter with this one's ma.

1403. Say hello to Charlie Two.

1404. Good boy. You got a big family now, Joe Dirt.

1405. You better be good to us.

1406. Oh, I will.

1407. Hey, Dirt! I thought I told you, buddy, nobody wants you around!

1408. Hey! You're talkin' to my guy all wrong.

1409. It's the wrong tone. Do it again, I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron.

1410. You're his dad?

1411. What if I am? What if we're his family?

1412. Okay.

1413. At least I know my car will blow his off the road!

1414. You actually think you can match that little Slant Six of yours against his 426 Hemi?

1415. Huh?

1416. Then let's do it, little boy.

1417. Whoo! That's my girl.

1418. Let's rock, Dirtboy.

1419. Let's go!

1420. Damn.

1421. Now, it's time for the good stuff! Whoo!

1422. Yeah! Light her up!

1423. This next song goes out to our good friend, Joe Dirt, the dirt man.

1424. Joe, wherever you are, this is for you, buddy. Welcome home, Joe.

1425. Welcome home.