1. Testing.
Testing, testing.
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2. One, two, three.
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3. Turn it up.
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4. Whoo!
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5. Dang! Whoo!
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6. That's what I'm talkin'
about. LA!
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7. Hold up. Ho.
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8. Radio station I.D.
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9. Coming to work.
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10. Joe Dirte.
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11. Don't try and church it up,
son. Don't you mean Joe Dirt?
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12. Naming you that, your daddy
must've really hated you.
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13. You're wrong, brother. I got a
good name for this car. Rusty.
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14. Shit'll buff out.
Don't bother.
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15. Jeez, drive this piece of crap
off a cliff. Do us all a favor.
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16. This look like a piece of crap
to you?
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17. You like them spinning tires,
do you?
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18. You suck!
You do!
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19. Did he hurt you, baby?
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20. People like
that security guard,
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21. they don't really mean
what they say.
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22. They just got their own
issues and whatnot.
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23. All's I got to do is keep
being a good person.
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24. No matter what,
good things'll come my way.
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25. Everything's gonna
happen for me,
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26. just as long as I never
have "no" in my heart.
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27. Can't a guy
even take a dump in peace? Psycho.
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28. Right on.
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29. Things are gonna happen
for me. I'm Joe Dirt!
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30. I think I'm gonna go to the
restroom and take a big Joe.
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31. Don't forget to wipe
your dirt.
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32. You boys got something
to say to me?
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33. Why don't
you talk in the microphone?
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34. I got a backup mic
right here.
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35. Check, one, two.
Testing, testing.
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36. Yeah, they're both working,
and guess what?
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37. They don't like no feedback.
What's up?
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38. What's going on out here?
You got to keep it down.
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39. Zander Kelly's on the air.
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40. Whoa. What's the deal
with your haircut?
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41. I'm sorry about the noise,
sir.
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42. Um, this ain't no haircut.
This is a wig.
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43. A wig?
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44. Look at you. Jesus.
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45. You know what? I got
somebody I want you to meet.
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46. Why don't you come with me?
Come on.
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47. Yeah,
that's what I thought.
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48. This is Zander Kelly. You're
listening to 98.6, KXLA.
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49. All aberration radio,
all the time.
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50. Hey, Zander, Zander,
you got to see this guy.
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51. God almighty.
Manna from inbred heaven.
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52. Hey, freak boy. 1976 called,
it wants its hairstyle back.
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53. Zander, get this. This
is a wig. It's a wig?
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54. What are you
wearing a wig for?
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55. What are you doing, stunt work
for Billy Ray Cyrus?
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56. Freddy, go get Free Bird boy here an
all-access laminate for the show in perpetuity.
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57. I'm wringing this chamois
as long as I can.
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58. You are exquisitely pathetic.
What's your name, pal?
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59. Uh, it's Joe Dirt. But if you're
just gonna make fun of me, man,
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60. I'll just go back to mopping.
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61. Sit down, let me take another
tact here.
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62. Mr. Dirt, what's with the wig?
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63. Well, I was born without
the top of my skull,
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64. and I guess a little bit of my brains was
showing. It was grossing everybody out,
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65. so my mom put this wig
on me to cover it up.
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66. And then the bones grew together
and it got all infused and entwined.
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67. I mean, I don't mean to get
all scientific or whatever.
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68. Why didn't your mom
change the wig later?
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69. Actually, we got separated
when I was eight. I got lost.
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70. You trying to tell me you've been
on your own since eight years old?
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71. Pretty much, man.
It's a long story, actually.
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72. Listen to you.
What's the story here?
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73. "I'm a white-trash idiot. "
The end.
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74. Hey, is this where you want to
be when Jesus comes back, man?
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75. Making fun
of poor little Joe Dirt?
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76. Probably, because I'm sure
Yahweh would be chiming in, too.
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77. That's funny, 'cause my mom used to say
that to me if she caught me doing stuff.
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78. Like one time, I was jerkin'
my gherkin. Can I say that?
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79. And she goes, "Is this where you
want to be when Jesus comes back?"
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80. She sounds like a real winner, and it's
amazing to me that you turned out like you did
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81. with that sort of,
uh, mentoring.
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82. Hey, man, I... I can't say
don't make fun of me,
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83. but you really shouldn't
make fun of my mom.
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84. Hey, you guys, you gotta come
hear this guy on the Zander show.
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85. Listen. You're on your own. The
family's ditched you. What happens next?
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86. I mean, do you really care? It's
actually not an easy story to tell.
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87. Hey, I got four hours
a day to fill, man.
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88. It's not often I get a freak
like you plopped into my lap.
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89. Go ahead. I'm a roast.
Baste me.
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90. All right, man.
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91. See, my parents and my sister and
I all went to the Grand Canyon.
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92. And while they was checking out the
sights and the donkeys and whatnot,
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93. I somehow got separated
from 'em.
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94. Easy shot.
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95. Ow! Hey, Dad, look.
It's the good stuff.
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96. None of that pussy
Skoal, right, Dad?
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97. Dad?
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98. Mom!
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99. Dad!
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100. Mom! Dad!
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101. Where are you?
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102. Dad!
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103. Mom!
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104. Where are you?
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105. You can come out now.
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106. So there I was. A lot of kids would have
been scared, but I was all tough about it.
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107. I started walkin' till the cops picked
me up and put me into a foster home.
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108. Like this one guy I fostered
out to for about a month,
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109. he'd take me hunting
with him and his dog.
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110. I thought
hunting would be, you know,
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111. more fun than it was.
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112. Now, see, boy? He goes off and fetches
the duck. You see how that works?
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113. Fun, huh?
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114. Yeah!
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115. After that I spent some time with
these people who worked on a farm.
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116. I learned cows don't find
bottle rockets as funny as I do.
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117. Yee-haw! Oh, yeah.
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118. Then there was this one old lady,
had me for a couple of weeks.
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119. I don't wanna be unkind, but this
woman was a little off-balance.
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120. You're to be scrubbed clean
before supper,
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121. and that means washed under your
fingernails and back of your ears and
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122. dressed in your Sunday best.
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123. I expect your schoolwork to be done every
night and laid out for my inspection.
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124. Is that clear?
Yes, ma'am.
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125. Uh, can I push him off my leg?
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126. He'll stop humping
as soon as he's done.
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127. Well, the year was 1982.
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128. I was 11 years old now, and I'd gotten
into a little trouble here and there,
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129. so I was living in
a juvie home for boys,
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130. and I was getting ready to
split that scene, and pronto.
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131. Bob Seger? Be honest. Back then
you were listening to Leif Garrett.
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132. It's probably more like this.
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133. No, sir, man.
I don't like that crap.
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134. I'm a rocker, dude,
through and through.
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135. Here's my favorite bands. AC/DC, Van
Halen, not Van Hagar, Skynyrd, Def Lepp...
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136. All right. I want you to settle down.
Don't make me call your probie officer here.
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137. And riddle me this...
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138. Other than the fact that you dig
looking like Jane Fonda in Klute,
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139. why don't you cut the wig now?
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140. Well, yeah.
I guess I could do that.
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141. Zander just asked this Joe Dirt guy
why he doesn't cut his wig right now,
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142. and you can tell he's never
thought of it.
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143. Now, you know, except for the
ratty 'stache and the pork chops,
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144. you're pretty clean-shaven for a
kid who lives in a trash can, no?
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145. Well, I don't need to shave, 'cause it
don't grow in right here and right here.
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146. Now, you're telling me that you're
so ingrained with white-trash DNA
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147. that your facial hair actually grows in
on its own all white-trashy like that?
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148. Uh, I don't know what you're saying,
but that's what's going on, yeah.
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149. So, back to the story here.
You're on your own...
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150. I'm just kinda campin' out or whatever,
and this goes on for years, until one night
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151. something amazing happened.
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152. Man, a shooting star. I
gotta make a wish. I wish...
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153. I knew what happened that one
day at that Grand Canyon place.
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154. Whoa.
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155. Whoa, whoa.
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156. Whoa. Whoa, it's a meteorite.
Whoa, check it out! That's cool!
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157. Oh, man, look at you. You're probably
made out of some precious metal
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158. and everyone's gonna want you,
but you want to be with me!
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159. Right on! You're Joe Meteorite,
and I'm Joe Dirt! Whoo!
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160. Here on Earth, we call
this place a town.
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161. A town is a place where everyone
hates you. Kids all try to beat you up.
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162. Whoa, that's so flat.
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163. Awesome.
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164. This is gonna be awesome.
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165. Holy crap, ladies.
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166. Hey, Junior Dirt Bag.
You talkin' to your rock?
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167. It ain't no rock,
it's a meteor, dum-dum.
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168. What did it do, land on your barber's
head while he was cuttin' your hair?
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169. Why don't you go practice falling
down. I'll be there in a minute.
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170. Hey. You wanna fight, you little queer?
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171. Queer? Is this queer?
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172. Are these queer? What's up?
What's up?
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173. Look at this guy.
He must be retarded.
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174. Hey, retard,
you aren't worth it.
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175. Come on. Let's go.
Yeah? You are.
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176. What a wuss. I mean,
you aren't... worth it.
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177. I told them, meteor.
You had my back.
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178. You're cool.
Whoa, what's that?
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179. Five dollars. That's mine now.
You're my lucky meteor. Right on!
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180. I'll hold your half for ya.
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181. Meteor, we call this here
"Bein' in burger heaven. "
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182. Mmm. Oh, yeah.
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183. I need to find a home, Meteor.
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184. We need some stability
in our lives, man.
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185. We need to settle down.
Life gets hard, you know?
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186. Yeah. Come on, now.
It's a little bumpy.
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187. Whoa-ho-ho. Look at that
town, Meteor. That's pretty.
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188. I bet people in a town like that will
be nice to us. Let's go down there.
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189. Come on.
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190. Yeah.
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191. No way I'd ever sell you,
Meteor. Not in a million years.
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192. But just for laughs, let's
see how much you're worth.
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193. Well, it ain't a meteor. Yeah,
it is. It came out of the sky.
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194. Well, I'm sure it did, but it ain't no
meteor. It's a big old frozen chunk of shit.
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195. What?
Oh, yeah.
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196. See, them airplanes dump
their toilets at 36,000 feet,
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197. and the stuff freezes
and falls to earth.
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198. We call 'em Boeing bombs.
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199. No, that can't be.
That's not what it is.
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200. Oh, afraid so.
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201. You see the peanut?
Dead giveaway.
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202. Yeah, that's... That's
a space peanut.
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203. Well, afraid not.
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204. This is a big old frozen
chunk of poopie.
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205. Dude, you were eating off it.
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206. Okay, okay,
that's too much, too much.
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207. Then what happened?
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208. Well, then I got a dog.
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209. You're telling me you'd rather have
a dog than a frozen hunk of crap?
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210. See, it wasn't really
my dog. It was this girl's dog.
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211. I was livin' in the woods outside
of that postcard town I said.
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212. It's called Silvertown.
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213. And I'd come in to steal
stuff, you know, food, whatever.
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214. And then one winter...
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215. Are you okay, boy?
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216. Oh, no. Are your nuts
frozen to the porch?
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217. Oh, that sucks. Don't pull up.
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218. Who are you? It's okay.
I was just walking by.
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219. I think your dog's in a little
trouble here. What's wrong?
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220. I think his... Well, you know
how when you get your tongue
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221. frozen in a freezer
'cause it's all wet?
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222. I think he got...
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223. Nuts frozen to the porch?
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224. Yes, exactly.
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225. Oh, baby! What do we do?
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226. We got to do something, so do
you have something inside? Yeah.
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227. Shh. Don't pull up.
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228. It's okay, don't move. It's gonna
stretch 'em more. That's bad.
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229. No. Ow. That's...
That's wrong.
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230. That's way wrong. Do you
got, like, warm water and...
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231. A fork!
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232. Yeah. No. Ow. What?
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233. No, no.
A spatula thing. The flat one.
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234. I'm sorry, buddy.
Just give her a second. Dang.
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235. I got it. Now what?
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236. Here's what we do. I just pour a
little water on here. Now, you hold him.
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237. Easy. Now, this ain't no
flapjack. Gotta go real easy.
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238. Should loosen it up
a little bit.
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239. And I'm gonna go...
I don't wanna look. I'm sorry.
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240. One, two, three, go.
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241. There.
Hey, buddy, you're free.
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242. Aw, dang.
Good boy!
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243. Good job!
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244. You might want to spray this
whole porch down with PAM,
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245. you know, so it doesn't
happen again.
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246. Okay.
What's his name?
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247. Charlie.
Charlie.
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248. And mine's Brandy.
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249. Hi, Brandy. I'm Joe Dirt.
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250. Nice to meet you.
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251. Nice to meet you too.
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252. Brandy, get your ass in the
kitchen and fire up that stove.
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253. You got some cookin' to do.
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254. Daddy, can we have my new
friend Joe over for supper?
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255. What, are you nuts, girl? We ain't
runnin' no soup kitchen here, boy.
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256. Scat! Get out of here!
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257. Long-haired hippie freak.
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258. I'll be your friend.
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259. For some reason, and
I have no idea why,
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260. Brandy always wanted
to hang out with me.
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261. And I had Charlie,
so that was cool.
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262. For the next couple of years,
the three of us was hanging out
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263. at the farm in Silvertown. And that was
the closest thing I ever had to a home.
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264. Till one day...
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265. Oh, Dirt, did I get you?
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266. Nah, I'm cool.
No, you're not.
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267. Where's Brandy?
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268. She's out riding her horse.
She'll be back in a minute.
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269. You guys want to play bumper pool? No.
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270. How does she put up
with you, Dirt?
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271. That's a good question, man.
She's great, though, ain't she?
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272. You know, sometimes it's like
she likes me or something.
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273. Yeah, dream on, Dirtboy.
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274. A girl like that's way out of
your league. She wants my body.
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275. No, I know, man.
That's all... That's for you.
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276. I'm... I'm not... We're just totally
friends. She's out of my league.
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277. Don't ever forget it, Dirt.
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278. Check this out, Robby.
This is a good month. Dang.
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279. This guy's got a dash mat for
a '69 Nova he wants to sell,
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280. and a car cover for any Dodge
from '79 to '84.
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281. Man, you don't even
have a car.
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282. I know, but that's a deal,
what he wants.
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283. They're usually 80 bucks at
Checker, and this guy wants 40, man.
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284. Hey, look at this.
Charlie, see that?
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285. This guy's selling a Hurst speed
shifter with a pool-ball grip.
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286. One day I'll have a car
that badass.
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287. I'll be chirping gears and
pulling brodies, going, "Rr-rr-rr!"
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288. You'll stick your head out the window
and check out chick dogs, going,
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289. "What's up, baby?"
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290. Boy, I swear I oughta
slap you silly.
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291. I tell you what. Why don't you
practice spittin' out teeth,
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292. 'cause I swear I'm gonna...
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293. Whoa, whoa.
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294. Dang.
Dang.
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295. Hi, Joe. Come here.
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296. What's up, goat-roper?
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297. Not much, pig-licker.
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298. Watch the gun, baby.
That's how I get the gals.
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299. Come on. I'll treat you
to a Dairy Queen.
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300. Why are you being all nice?
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301. I am always nice to you,
Joe Dirt.
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302. Hey, Brandy.
Can I come too?
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303. Robby, I only have
enough money for me and Joe.
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304. Come on, Joe.
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305. Let's do it!
Come on, Charlie!
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306. Come on, boy!
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307. Oh, God. She is so fine.
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308. Yeah. One day,
I'm gonna marry that girl.
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309. Stop!
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310. Oh, there you are.
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311. Gimme that mutt. I'm
takin' him huntin' with me.
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312. Daddy, you been drinkin'.
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313. Ah, shut the hell up
and just give me the mutt now.
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314. Hey, if you're taking the dog,
I'll go with him.
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315. 'Cause I've been hunting
before. You, hunt?
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316. Wouldn't even use you as
a retriever.
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317. That was a good one. All
right, Charlie, get in the car.
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318. Charlie, you mangy mutt. Get in
the damn car, you flea-bitten,
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319. butt-lickin'...
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320. son of a bitch.
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321. Two!
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322. Yeah!
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323. What?
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324. Hey!
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325. Hey, my foot's stuck!
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326. Charlie. Charlie, come here.
Come here, Charlie.
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327. My foot's stuck, see?
See, my foot's stuck?
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328. I need your help. I need you
to go find Sheriff Williams.
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329. Now, go on. Go bring help.
Go get help now.
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330. Go get him. Run, Charlie!
Run like the wind!
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331. Run!
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332. Run, Charlie.
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333. That stupid dog better
be bringing somebody.
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334. Your dad always hunt
this long?
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335. Hey, there's Charlie!
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336. Charlie!
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337. Hi! There's my buddy.
Where have you been?
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338. There you go, Don.
Take 'er easy.
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339. Oh, my God!
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340. There's that worthless mutt!
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341. What happened? This is all
that goddamn dog's fault!
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342. And I'm puttin' him down.
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343. No, you can't!
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344. Guess who came back, Charlie?
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345. Joe, he's okay now.
He's in dog heaven.
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346. You gave him a great
last couple years.
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347. Well, I'll sprinkle his ashes.
They'll drift out to sea.
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348. He would've liked that.
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349. I can't do it.
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350. I'm taking him with me.
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351. Taking him with you? But...
Where are you going?
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352. Brandy, you see that moon?
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353. You don't know how many nights I
spent alone staring at that moon
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354. wondering if at that exact moment, my mom
or my dad was looking at the same moon.
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355. And for that brief second, we were
together again, kind of, you know?
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356. When I was with Charlie, I
didn't miss that moon so much.
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357. Brandy, I got a hole in my
heart. I don't know how to fix it.
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358. I got to find out what happened
that day at the Grand Canyon.
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359. I don't care how long it
takes. I gotta do it.
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360. But what if when you're gone some guy
asks me to marry him, and you're not here?
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361. What's that got to do with me?
We're always gonna be buddies, right?
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362. Well, if I get married,
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363. we might move, and you might
not know where to find me.
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364. You are gonna make
some guy so happy.
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365. I just hope whoever he is,
he deserves a girl like you.
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366. God, that Brandy has a
nice ass, doesn't she?
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367. I mean, I get this loser
talking about the moon
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368. and walking his dog, and all
the time I'm thinking about
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369. Brandy's well-manicured backyard
in those cutoff shorts... Ouch!
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370. Yeah, she's cool.
Anyway, so there I was,
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371. on my own again, looking for my parents,
but I don't know their last names.
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372. It's Dirt. Isn't that the name
on the family crest? Dirt.
Copy !req
373. No, see, my last name's Dirt. My dad
made my last name Dirt for some reason.
Copy !req
374. Anyway, I just put an "e" on
it, pronounce it "Deer-tay. "
Copy !req
375. It's no big deal. It
actually sounds pretty cool.
Copy !req
376. But see, I don't know
their last name.
Copy !req
377. And I remember my sister yelling
it in my face when I was growing up.
Copy !req
378. That's why Dad named you
Joe Dirt!
Copy !req
379. That's why Dad named you
Joe Dirt instead of...
Copy !req
380. I couldn't remember my real
last name.
Copy !req
381. So I knew it was
gonna be hard to find 'em.
Copy !req
382. Right, so what'd you do?
Copy !req
383. Right, so then I needed
some money.
Copy !req
384. I hopped a train out of Silvertown
and headed east for the big city.
Copy !req
385. Then I got lucky.
Copy !req
386. I got myself a real
important job in advertising.
Copy !req
387. Molar World. Walk-ins welcome.
There you go.
Copy !req
388. Molar World. One for the kid?
Sure.
Copy !req
389. Molar W...
Copy !req
390. What's up?
Copy !req
391. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
392. Competition orange, '67.
Copy !req
393. This thing's a Hemi!
Copy !req
394. Ma'am, are you selling
this car?
Copy !req
395. Oh, yeah. It literally
just went on to the market.
Copy !req
396. How much you want for it?
Copy !req
397. What do you got?
Copy !req
398. Practically nothing.
Copy !req
399. I'm looking for my parents.
Copy !req
400. They lost me at the Grand
Canyon more than ten years ago.
Copy !req
401. So all my money goes towards that. I
don't have pictures of them or nothing.
Copy !req
402. You don't even have a picture of them? Aww. Well, my ex
- husband, before he died...
Copy !req
403. Oh. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
404. Nah. I killed him.
Copy !req
405. He used to beat me, so one night I
just pushed him into the wood chipper.
Copy !req
406. Told the cops he fell.
Copy !req
407. Good for you. But he used
to be a police sketch artist.
Copy !req
408. Oh, he was damn good too.
Copy !req
409. The victims would give him
the worst descriptions,
Copy !req
410. and he would draw them out
like photographs.
Copy !req
411. He could do anything,
you know?
Copy !req
412. Like age progression and...
Copy !req
413. That's it. That's what I'll do for
my parents. How much does that cost?
Copy !req
414. Oh, about 360 bucks.
Copy !req
415. Then that's what
I need to make. Thank you.
Copy !req
416. And I'm sorry I can't buy
your beautiful Hemi.
Copy !req
417. Oh, no, you can.
Copy !req
418. Give me what you got in
your pocket, and she's yours.
Copy !req
419. For real?
Copy !req
420. You hear that, Charlie?
We got us a Hemi, brother.
Copy !req
421. That lady gave me a great
idea. Hey, Dirt! Dirt!
Copy !req
422. Storm's coming in! Get up on the
roof and put some bricks in the tooth!
Copy !req
423. Gotcha.
Copy !req
424. My tooth! My tooth!
Copy !req
425. Help!
Copy !req
426. Hey! Go back!
Copy !req
427. I can see down your shirt.
Copy !req
428. What an ass.
Copy !req
429. Hey, boss,
I'm goin' on a break.
Copy !req
430. Hey! Airplane! Help me!
Copy !req
431. Oh, that's not professional.
Copy !req
432. I'd floated all the way to
North Dakota.
Copy !req
433. And there I was, scared to death, as
I dropped like a stone from the sky.
Copy !req
434. Go back! Go back!
Copy !req
435. But then the most amazing
thing happened.
Copy !req
436. I landed next to an oil rig,
and they was hiring people.
Copy !req
437. And what they paid was like
a sign from above
Copy !req
438. that I was
meant to find my parents.
Copy !req
439. Coming down!
Copy !req
440. Hey, bro, come on down!
Copy !req
441. Yeah, baby. Come on, now.
Get loose.
Copy !req
442. Whoa, man, I got it.
It's comin'.
Copy !req
443. I'll pay for this. I'm new!
Copy !req
444. I'm new.
I don't know what to do!
Copy !req
445. Hey, man, you done
with that apple core?
Copy !req
446. I'm done with that fart.
You want that?
Copy !req
447. Maybe if it came out of Charlene
Tilton's ass, I'd take a bite.
Copy !req
448. Yeah, you probably
like J. R., you queer.
Copy !req
449. I saw your bumper sticker,
"Cowboys' butts drive me nuts. "
Copy !req
450. Is that right?
You think that's queer?
Copy !req
451. Is this queer? They're large and
in charge and lookin' for chickies.
Copy !req
452. You wanna back that up?
Copy !req
453. You wanna fight? Why don't you stick
your head up my butt and fight for air?
Copy !req
454. That's it. You and me.
Let's go.
Copy !req
455. You know, I would. I'd love to beat
your ass up and down this place.
Copy !req
456. I got to go back to work.
Copy !req
457. Yo, Dirt. You're fired.
Copy !req
458. Here's your week's pay.
Copy !req
459. Dang.
Copy !req
460. Yeah!
Copy !req
461. What's up here?
Look down there.
Copy !req
462. What's going on? Here I come.
Copy !req
463. Luckily, my neck broke
my fall.
Copy !req
464. I guess you won the battle.
Copy !req
465. Yeah!
But I won the war.
Copy !req
466. If you're covered in oil,
don't stand next to a fire.
Copy !req
467. Now that's day-one stuff.
Copy !req
468. Keep that Skoal, baby.
That's what I'm talking about.
Copy !req
469. So I had my 360 bucks.
Copy !req
470. The next day I was gonna try
the police sketch thing,
Copy !req
471. but something happened
to my head.
Copy !req
472. See, I spent the night in what I
thought was an abandoned circus tent.
Copy !req
473. But I guess
it wasn't no circus.
Copy !req
474. I was totally bombed
on insecticide, I think.
Copy !req
475. So needless to say,
I was in no shape
Copy !req
476. to do anybody any good
with my recollections.
Copy !req
477. The guy doing the police sketch
thought I was messin' with him
Copy !req
478. 'cause my dad came out
looking like Father Time...
Copy !req
479. and my mom came out
too butch, and
Copy !req
480. looking way too much
like Richard Ramirez.
Copy !req
481. You know, the Night Stalker?
Remember that guy?
Copy !req
482. As my head cleared, I realized
I needed a different approach.
Copy !req
483. Then I got a brainstorm... Hire
an Indian tracker to help me.
Copy !req
484. Man, that's a great idea.
They could find anything.
Copy !req
485. It's like in the movies.
So I headed for a reservation.
Copy !req
486. You want me to put
my ear to the ground,
Copy !req
487. listen for hoofbeats,
Copy !req
488. check for footprints?
Copy !req
489. Look for broken twigs?
Copy !req
490. But this is the modern age.
Copy !req
491. That stuff doesn't work anymore, which
is why I had to open this fireworks stand.
Copy !req
492. I wasn't getting by
on my tracking wages.
Copy !req
493. Come on. You're supposed to
be good at tracking stuff, man.
Copy !req
494. I've got to find my parents.
Copy !req
495. And I've got to figure out
a way to sell more fireworks.
Copy !req
496. I'm going broke
with this venture also.
Copy !req
497. I see you got them
snakes and sparklers
Copy !req
498. but where's
the good stuff, man?
Copy !req
499. Good stuff? This is the good
stuff, snakes and sparklers.
Copy !req
500. Are you nuts, dude? You need
stuff that explodes, go boom!
Copy !req
501. Why is that good?
Copy !req
502. You might as well ask,
"Why is a tree good?
Copy !req
503. "Why is a sunset good?
Why are boobs good?"
Copy !req
504. Man, firecrackers.
Copy !req
505. You stick 'em in mailboxes,
you drop 'em in toilets.
Copy !req
506. You shove 'em up
bullfrogs' asses.
Copy !req
507. I would never do that,
Copy !req
508. 'cause I'm gonna be
a veterinarian.
Copy !req
509. Well, there you go.
Copy !req
510. Someone shoves an M-80 up a
bullfrog's butt, blows him to pieces,
Copy !req
511. he comes back to you
to fix it.
Copy !req
512. You win twice, brother.
It's good biz.
Copy !req
513. So you're gonna tell me that
you don't have no Black Cats,
Copy !req
514. no Roman candles
or Screamin' Mimis?
Copy !req
515. No. Oh, come on, man. You
don't got no Ladyfingers,
Copy !req
516. Buzz Bottles, Snicker Bombs,
Church Burners, Finger Blasters,
Copy !req
517. Gut Busters, Zip-a-dee-do-dahs
or Crap Flappers?
Copy !req
518. No, I don't. You're gonna stand
there owning a fireworks stand
Copy !req
519. and tell me you don't have
no Whistling Bungholes,
Copy !req
520. no Spleen Splitters,
Whisker Biscuits,
Copy !req
521. Honky Lighters,
Husker Du's, Husker Don'ts,
Copy !req
522. Cherry Bombs, Nipsy Dazers, with
or without the scooter stick,
Copy !req
523. or one single
Whistling Kitty Chaser?
Copy !req
524. No.
Wha...
Copy !req
525. 'Cause snakes and sparklers
are the only ones I like.
Copy !req
526. Well, that might be
your problem.
Copy !req
527. It's not what you like.
It's the consumer.
Copy !req
528. Whee! Lookie there.
Copy !req
529. Oh, that's happening, man. We
should get bleachers over here.
Copy !req
530. People'll come from miles
around to see this thing.
Copy !req
531. Feast your eyes
on a feast of smoke.
Copy !req
532. Oh, dang. It's out. Oh, CNN's
gonna turn around and go home now.
Copy !req
533. What's going on, man? I saw a
snail over there and he said,
Copy !req
534. "That thing's slow. It ain't movin'
fast. It's boring and dull. I'm yawning. "
Copy !req
535. That's a snail watching that.
There's a snail in the desert?
Copy !req
536. Yeah, a spaceship
dropped him off.
Copy !req
537. Don't focus on the wrong
part of the story, brother.
Copy !req
538. And the snail can talk?
Copy !req
539. Yeah, because they gave
him powers, the aliens.
Copy !req
540. They made his little voice box... Dude,
I'm just sayin' it's dull, all right?
Copy !req
541. This ain't fun. Look at
that little piece of char.
Copy !req
542. You need explosions.
You need stuff going on, man.
Copy !req
543. No wonder this thing's going under.
You got nothing. It's wussy stuff.
Copy !req
544. Well...
Copy !req
545. I got these two sticks.
Copy !req
546. Oh, dang. These are yours? These are
Roman candles, brother. That's good stuff.
Copy !req
547. Get this thing full
of lighter fluid.
Copy !req
548. Yeah.
Copy !req
549. The Roman candle.
Step back a little bit.
Copy !req
550. Yee!
That's what I'm talkin' about.
Copy !req
551. That's beautiful. Beautiful? I'm
looking for "righteously kick-ass. "
Copy !req
552. You know what we need?
Gasoline.
Copy !req
553. Yeah.
Copy !req
554. Breakfast of champions.
Copy !req
555. All right, you might want to take
a few extra steps back on this one.
Copy !req
556. God.
Copy !req
557. Oh, man.
What did I trip over?
Copy !req
558. There's something metal
sticking out of the ground.
Copy !req
559. You okay?
Copy !req
560. What is this thing, man?
Copy !req
561. Maybe we should take it over to that
place, the laboratory over in the next town,
Copy !req
562. Los Alamos.
Copy !req
563. That symbol looks very stern.
Copy !req
564. Yeah, man. That's definitely what
we should do. That's the right thing.
Copy !req
565. But first...
Copy !req
566. Yeah, jam that in
the gas bucket.
Copy !req
567. We'll shoot fireballs at it. We gotta
step way back. This is gonna be fun.
Copy !req
568. Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Look at that shit!
Copy !req
569. Oh, man, we're gonna get so
busted! Let's get out of here!
Copy !req
570. What happened, man?
Copy !req
571. You tripped over that object in
the ground. You were knocked out.
Copy !req
572. That thing's
an atom bomb, man.
Copy !req
573. I got an idea.
Copy !req
574. "Canyon Rubberneckers
tour bus.
Copy !req
575. "The Grand Canyon's number-one
purveyor of fine bus tours. "
Copy !req
576. I still don't see why we're
going to the tour bus company.
Copy !req
577. Don't you see? All the tourists at
the canyon that day my parents lost me,
Copy !req
578. they had cameras.
Copy !req
579. And you can't tell me, in
all those pictures they took,
Copy !req
580. there won't be some
that accidentally
Copy !req
581. have me and my parents
in 'em, man.
Copy !req
582. The company'll have records
of who used the tour that day.
Copy !req
583. But that was more
than ten years ago.
Copy !req
584. Besides, they won't just
hand the records over to us.
Copy !req
585. We're just an Indian
and some guy.
Copy !req
586. Uh-uh, man.
Copy !req
587. You can't have "no" in your heart.
"No" is not an option, brother.
Copy !req
588. You're not just an Indian.
You're Kicking Wing. All right?
Copy !req
589. And one day, you're gonna be
Kicking Wing, Animal Doctor.
Copy !req
590. And then you should change your
name to Kicking Ass. I would.
Copy !req
591. Oh, man. Swerve them potholes.
You know, because of the atom bomb.
Copy !req
592. Ah.
Copy !req
593. One swing, and this here ball-peen
hammer will trigger this A-bomb,
Copy !req
594. and it'll blow up the whole
city, maybe even half the country.
Copy !req
595. Now, here's what I need.
Copy !req
596. I need you to give
me the records
Copy !req
597. of everybody who toured the
Grand Canyon on them buses
Copy !req
598. June 13, 1979.
Copy !req
599. I'm not messin' around. I'll hit
it. And then it goes bang. All right?
Copy !req
600. Now, while I'm
up here waiting,
Copy !req
601. you.
Me?
Copy !req
602. Show me them boobies.
Copy !req
603. Dang.
Copy !req
604. Now, even you liked the way
that chick looked, didn't you?
Copy !req
605. Even me? What's that
supposed to mean, man?
Copy !req
606. I'm just saying, I'm beginning to doubt
your hetero street credentials here.
Copy !req
607. I mean, never putting
the moves on Brandy...
Copy !req
608. Brandy, man...
She's too beautiful.
Copy !req
609. She's way too hot for me.
Copy !req
610. He has no idea
that Brandy even likes him.
Copy !req
611. His voice is so sexy. I wonder
what he looks like.
Copy !req
612. You're standing there
with an atom bomb.
Copy !req
613. Could be Fat Man, could be Little
Boy. We'll nail that down later.
Copy !req
614. But anyway, did you get
the names you wanted?
Copy !req
615. Yeah, I did, but by the way,
it wasn't no atom bomb.
Copy !req
616. Turns out, some skateboarder slapped a
Biohazard band sticker on the side of this
Copy !req
617. septic tank for an R.V.
Copy !req
618. Anyway, the cops knew
it wasn't a bomb right away.
Copy !req
619. Yeah. Who hasn't seen
that scenario played out?
Copy !req
620. It's just an old crapper tank,
people.
Copy !req
621. Kicking Wing!
Stop it.
Copy !req
622. Somebody help me!
Copy !req
623. Help me!
Copy !req
624. Ew!
Copy !req
625. Is it done?
How much is in there?
Copy !req
626. I got the poo on me.
Copy !req
627. You are so pathetic.
Copy !req
628. They decided not even
to arrest me.
Copy !req
629. They said being covered in that
stinky stuff was punishment enough.
Copy !req
630. Don't you get it, man? Stinky stuff is
your milieu. Okay? This is your deal.
Copy !req
631. You are an underachievement
nexus in the universe, and
Copy !req
632. it's always gonna be
like this, Joey.
Copy !req
633. No, man, but you gotta keep
going. What am I gonna do, quit?
Copy !req
634. That's not an option.
You got to keep on keepin' on.
Copy !req
635. Life's a garden, dig it?
You make it work for you.
Copy !req
636. You never give up, man. That's my
philosophy. You hear that in there?
Copy !req
637. You know, the thing that
drives me crazy and
Copy !req
638. fascinates me
at the same time
Copy !req
639. is that you are so unrelentingly
upbeat about your plight.
Copy !req
640. I need more, man. I'll be honest with
you. I want to see you in here tomorrow.
Copy !req
641. I want to hear more
of the saga of Joe Dirt.
Copy !req
642. All right. Thanks, you guys.
Copy !req
643. All right, Joe!
Copy !req
644. Yeah, baby.
Copy !req
645. You're listening to
the Zander Kelly Show on KXLA.
Copy !req
646. All right.
Good morning, troops.
Copy !req
647. This is Zander Kelly,
and you, of course,
Copy !req
648. are careening headlong
into yet another hellish day
Copy !req
649. in the tiny existence you
laughingly refer to as your life.
Copy !req
650. I'm here with Joe Dirt.
Copy !req
651. Joey, the tale could not be told in
one day, and we've asked you back today.
Copy !req
652. I might say the joint looks great.
The toilets are freshly scrubbed.
Copy !req
653. The floor is spick-and-span.
Copy !req
654. Hey, Joe, did you use the stuff
with the tiny scrubbing bubbles?
Copy !req
655. They clean the bowl
so you don't have to.
Copy !req
656. No, I didn't.
Copy !req
657. Yesterday, provide a little
back-story for the listeners,
Copy !req
658. you were telling us that
you were covered in crap,
Copy !req
659. and you are a complete loser.
Copy !req
660. Have I nailed
the pertinent facts?
Copy !req
661. Well, let me emphasize to the listeners
those are your words, not mine.
Copy !req
662. Sorry, Billy Jack. So now
you have a bunch of names
Copy !req
663. of people who might actually have a
photograph of you and your parents, right?
Copy !req
664. Right.
I got a big bunch of names.
Copy !req
665. So now I got to span the
country to find all these people,
Copy !req
666. to see if anybody's got a
photograph from that one day.
Copy !req
667. "Anderson, Anders,
Asnov, Ast... "
Copy !req
668. I mean, all these people were
on them tour buses that day?
Copy !req
669. "Belitnikoff... " It's gonna take
forever, man. But I gotta do it.
Copy !req
670. Joe Dirt, I wish you luck. I hope
you find what you're looking for.
Copy !req
671. And remember that town
you're always talking about.
Copy !req
672. Yeah, Silvertown, man.
Copy !req
673. Yes. Silvertown. You make it sound
like the most wonderful place.
Copy !req
674. So you've always got Silvertown.
Remember that, Joe Dirt.
Copy !req
675. And you remember to keep on keepin'
on, man, and you'll be a veterinarian,
Copy !req
676. 'cause I believe people get
what they really, really want
Copy !req
677. especially a cool guy
like you, Kicking Wing.
Copy !req
678. You know what?
Copy !req
679. You're my first real friend I've
found outside of Charlie and Brandy.
Copy !req
680. Oh. Okay.
Copy !req
681. That's good. That's good.
Copy !req
682. That hug was completely
asexual. He kind of snuck it up on me.
Copy !req
683. Whateveryou gotta
tell yourself, Joe Dirt.
Copy !req
684. I love you, Joe Dirt.
Copy !req
685. So I hit the road
with my list of names,
Copy !req
686. looking for tourists who might
have photos of my folks.
Copy !req
687. I hit pay dirt when I got a
job with a traveling carnival
Copy !req
688. and that's when things
got a little weird.
Copy !req
689. Dang.
Copy !req
690. Can I go again? Please?
Copy !req
691. No, you've been on the ride long
enough. It's time to go home.
Copy !req
692. I got you, buddy. Who's this chick
over here? That your girlfriend?
Copy !req
693. You should see my girlfriend.
You'd shit yourself.
Copy !req
694. Really?
Copy !req
695. Tell you what. I'm gonna
give you a free spin.
Copy !req
696. I'm gonna talk to your lady
friend over there. How 'bout that?
Copy !req
697. Yes!
Copy !req
698. Good job, sir. Yeah, keep 'em
straight like that. Good strategy.
Copy !req
699. You know, the life of a carnival
worker keeps me free and untethered.
Copy !req
700. I know. That's why I was
immediately attracted to you.
Copy !req
701. I could tell you
were an outlaw.
Copy !req
702. Is that right? Yeah, I am kind of
an outlaw through and through, baby.
Copy !req
703. Damn. Good toss
there, sir. Good one.
Copy !req
704. You know, society's
got no hold on this outlaw.
Copy !req
705. Damn it! All right,
all right. Real close.
Copy !req
706. You know, I'm like a bird. Actually,
more like a hard-ass pterodactyl.
Copy !req
707. This is bullshit!
Copy !req
708. Hey, God forbid you don't win after
throwing only two quarters, man.
Copy !req
709. It's a business.
It ain't UNICEF, okay?
Copy !req
710. I got a good mind to take my outlaw ass
and... Yeah, you better walk away, hardass.
Copy !req
711. Some people, right?
Copy !req
712. I know.
Copy !req
713. So later on, I'm pickin' up my Hemi
Road Runner. That's right, I said Hemi.
Copy !req
714. Wow. A Hemi?
Copy !req
715. Balls to the wall.
Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
716. I left it here.
Friend's house.
Copy !req
717. Well, actually it got towed two years ago.
But I'm gonna pick it up this afternoon.
Copy !req
718. I might need
a pretty little lady
Copy !req
719. to sit on the front seat with
me while I break her in...
Copy !req
720. The car, I mean.
Copy !req
721. What do you say?
Copy !req
722. That's a big 10-4.
Copy !req
723. Hey, my man. I got a big date
tonight. I'm here to pick up my ride.
Copy !req
724. License and registration?
Copy !req
725. Yes, sir.
Copy !req
726. She's gonna freak out
when she sees my wheels.
Copy !req
727. Total impound fees
come to $3,496.
Copy !req
728. Plus 35 bucks for the tow.
Copy !req
729. What?
Copy !req
730. Three thousand, man... That's
more than I paid for the whole car!
Copy !req
731. Oh. Hmm. Interesting.
Copy !req
732. You want it or not?
Yeah, but...
Copy !req
733. I think that all I got's,
like, 450 bucks.
Copy !req
734. This is a business.
This is not a charity.
Copy !req
735. Maybe one day UNICEF will
get into the impound business.
Copy !req
736. But until
then, we're the people to see.
Copy !req
737. I'll tell you what I could do.
Copy !req
738. I could sell you a car
for 450 bucks, but
Copy !req
739. it ain't gonna be no Hemi.
Copy !req
740. I thought you had a Hemi.
Copy !req
741. Yeah, I had to have a
footprint gas pedal installed.
Copy !req
742. So I stole this pile.
Copy !req
743. Oh. My outlaw.
Copy !req
744. That's right. Let's go.
Copy !req
745. So, I had fun tonight.
Copy !req
746. Even though you took me to the
carnival that I was already at.
Copy !req
747. Yeah, I had fun too. Hey,
listen. Can I ask you a question?
Copy !req
748. Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
749. If I told you you had a beautiful
body, would you hold it against me?
Copy !req
750. Sure would.
Copy !req
751. Wanna go to my place?
Sure do.
Copy !req
752. All right. Finish your story. Why
do you live with foster parents?
Copy !req
753. Well, because when I was,
like, nine or ten years old
Copy !req
754. my parents pulled over on the side of
the road to look at that big dinosaur
Copy !req
755. out there in California,
Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
756. And the next thing I knew,
they were gone.
Copy !req
757. Wait a minute.
Did you have a brother?
Copy !req
758. Mm-hmm. I did.
Copy !req
759. So, you wanna go back
in the house?
Copy !req
760. We can have sex.
Copy !req
761. She's your sister, dude. She's gotta
be. And you made out with her, man!
Copy !req
762. What's wrong with you,
you pervert?
Copy !req
763. Well, I didn't know she was
my sister when I kissed her.
Copy !req
764. So it's not my fault. And she's one
of the hottest girls on the planet.
Copy !req
765. You just said
your sister's hot!
Copy !req
766. What a freak!
You're goin' to hell, man!
Copy !req
767. I got to tell her what
happened, why I got weird.
Copy !req
768. And for God's sakes, I got to
treat her like a sister.
Copy !req
769. Joe...
Copy !req
770. Oh!
Joe, no!
Copy !req
771. We've got questions comin'
in from...
Copy !req
772. Boss, the phones are goin'
nuts. That was a bombshell.
Copy !req
773. Wait, wait, man. I found out
later that she wasn't my sister.
Copy !req
774. Oh, thank God!
Copy !req
775. Thank God, dude! That was
gonna be a little much.
Copy !req
776. So I did a real
bad thing there,
Copy !req
777. 'cause I think you're
my sister.
Copy !req
778. Is that all?
No!
Copy !req
779. My family's last name is Buckwalter.
My brother's name is Cletis.
Copy !req
780. So, you see, we're not
related. We can have sex again.
Copy !req
781. Joe, what's the matter?
Don't I turn you on?
Copy !req
782. I don't know
what the problem is.
Copy !req
783. Well, would it help if you went
back to thinkin' I'm your sister?
Copy !req
784. Like I'm some sort of
white-trash perv?
Copy !req
785. I'm your sister!
I'm your sister!
Copy !req
786. Oh, you're my sister!
Copy !req
787. Oh, no!
I'm kiddin', I'm kiddin'.
Copy !req
788. I just made that last part up for
laughs, you guys, I'm tellin' you.
Copy !req
789. Let's break it off for today.
Copy !req
790. You haul your mangy ass in here
tomorrow morning, and we will continue
Copy !req
791. the fascinating saga
that I'm now referring to as
Copy !req
792. "The Legend of Dirty Joe. "
Copy !req
793. Hi, this is Brandy. I'm not here
right now. Please leave a message.
Copy !req
794. Hey, Brandy, it's Joe.
I'm out in L.A.
Copy !req
795. They got me on a radio station
tellin' my story to everybody.
Copy !req
796. I didn't get
to the sad part yet.
Copy !req
797. I'm guessin' you had reasons
for doin' what you did.
Copy !req
798. And I guess I'm just callin'
to say goodbye.
Copy !req
799. I miss you, Brandy.
Copy !req
800. Okay.
Copy !req
801. You're listening to
The Zander Kelly Show on KXLA.
Copy !req
802. Good morning, L.A.
Zander here. We're sittin' with
Copy !req
803. the king of all dirt-balls,
Mr. Joe Dirt.
Copy !req
804. You know, last night when I went
home, rented The Andromeda Strain,
Copy !req
805. just so I could simulate immersion
into that bacteriologically unsound
Copy !req
806. world you call your day-to-day
life. And I feel like
Copy !req
807. I know where you live. I've
got you in my crosshairs now.
Copy !req
808. Uh, we're gonna go back
to your story, pick it up.
Copy !req
809. What really happened was,
I had a car now
Copy !req
810. so I left the carnival and kept
runnin' down the names on my list
Copy !req
811. lookin' for people who took
those photos at the Grand Canyon.
Copy !req
812. Somewhere in Indiana
I hit a little snag.
Copy !req
813. I found a guy who had pictures,
but he turned out to be a freak.
Copy !req
814. I guess this is the place.
Buffalo Bob's kind of a weird name.
Copy !req
815. But people say Joe Dirt's a
weird name, and how cool am I?
Copy !req
816. Excuse me, sir.
Copy !req
817. Hey, there, young fella.
Copy !req
818. Hey. I'm lookin' for a guy
named Buffalo Bob.
Copy !req
819. Real name's Tim.
How can I help you?
Copy !req
820. Well, I wanted to talk to you about
the time you went to the Grand Canyon.
Copy !req
821. Sure. Why don't you come on inside?
What'd you say your name was?
Copy !req
822. Joe Dirt.
Copy !req
823. It puts the lotion on!
Copy !req
824. You have no idea what kind
of hell I can bring you!
Copy !req
825. Oh, all right!
Copy !req
826. Enough, you broken record! Okay! I've
been down here for two weeks, man.
Copy !req
827. What do you want?
Copy !req
828. It puts the lotion
on its skin, now!
Copy !req
829. Well, say it, don't spray it,
brother! Dang.
Copy !req
830. I need a towel now.
Copy !req
831. It does what it's told!
Copy !req
832. There. Look. I'm puttin'
the lotion on the skin.
Copy !req
833. I'm rubbin' it in.
Copy !req
834. Hey, to tell you the truth,
brother, between you and me,
Copy !req
835. that thing with the dog
is comin' off a little fruity.
Copy !req
836. That's just me talkin'.
I don't...
Copy !req
837. Where's my supplies?
Copy !req
838. Yeah. Come on, man.
I thought we had a deal.
Copy !req
839. Aw, for Christ's sake!
Here!
Copy !req
840. Ha-ha-ha!
Whee, Auto Trader!
Copy !req
841. Ooh, August.
I don't got this one.
Copy !req
842. There's some deals in here.
Oh, check this out. A '71 'Cuda,
Copy !req
843. plum crazy purple.
Copy !req
844. This guy wants 14 grand.
Copy !req
845. What?
Copy !req
846. I'd give him 7,500. I used to have
one of these. This guy's crazy.
Copy !req
847. We've got the place
surrounded. Come out with your hands in the air.
Copy !req
848. Uh-oh.
Copy !req
849. Hey, a little help?
There he is, boys! Get him!
Copy !req
850. Get him!
Man in the hole.
Copy !req
851. Down here.
Copy !req
852. Stay on your back!
Copy !req
853. I hear people.
Copy !req
854. Hey, it puts the Joe Dirt
in the hole.
Copy !req
855. Yeah, he was gonna flay you alive,
then use your skin to cover himself
Copy !req
856. like a Joe Dirt trench coat.
Copy !req
857. Oh, yeah?
That's gross, man.
Copy !req
858. I think these are pictures
from the Grand Canyon.
Copy !req
859. Yeah, he's been takin' hundreds
of photos over the years,
Copy !req
860. lookin' for skin
that he liked.
Copy !req
861. Then he was gonna
wear the skin around the house
Copy !req
862. with his wiener tucked under,
kinda like a woman.
Copy !req
863. That's sick, man.
Copy !req
864. I think that's little me
in the garbage can!
Copy !req
865. No way. And that's my...
my dad and my mom.
Copy !req
866. And this is our car,
Copy !req
867. and it's got...
Louisiana plates.
Copy !req
868. Hell, yeah, I'm going
to Louisiana, brother!
Copy !req
869. So, I cruised down south to New
Orleans and found a base of operations
Copy !req
870. for my search
at a local grade school.
Copy !req
871. I was gonna be a janitor.
Copy !req
872. Mostly mopping. Once in a while
you got a problem with the boiler.
Copy !req
873. You have to hit it with a
hammer, but it's a good job.
Copy !req
874. That's all right.
I appreciate this job, man.
Copy !req
875. This'll be a good base for me here in
Louisiana while I look for my parents.
Copy !req
876. I got a picture of 'em.
Copy !req
877. I don't recognize them.
Copy !req
878. If you find them, are you gonna
tell 'em what happened to you?
Copy !req
879. Oh. That Buffalo Bob thing?
There's not much to tell.
Copy !req
880. I heard some things. It's
not good. He's a bad guy.
Copy !req
881. What... What exactly
did you hear?
Copy !req
882. The past is past,
the future's now.
Copy !req
883. That's true.
Amen to that.
Copy !req
884. Clem, are you from around here?
'Cause your accent sounds like
Copy !req
885. New York or somethin'.
Copy !req
886. No. I'm from here.
Copy !req
887. Born and raised.
No, not here.
Copy !req
888. Over in Kansas.
Copy !req
889. Is this your wife?
Copy !req
890. Ex-wife.
Copy !req
891. She was shot six times.
Copy !req
892. New York City.
I mean, Kansas.
Copy !req
893. She was somethin'. Her eyes
were somethin'. Azure, you know.
Copy !req
894. Honey-blonde hair.
Her body...
Copy !req
895. Her legs went on for days.
Copy !req
896. If she was here right now, maybe
we'd have a house with a little fence
Copy !req
897. up in Silvertown,
that place you talk about.
Copy !req
898. That's a nice place.
Copy !req
899. You, uh...
you really loved her, huh.
Copy !req
900. You might say that.
Yeah.
Copy !req
901. Clem, a kid
puked in the cafeteria again.
Copy !req
902. We need a cleanup
right away.
Copy !req
903. I'm on it!
Copy !req
904. That's you.
Copy !req
905. Oh.
Copy !req
906. Whoa! Hey, I'm Joe.
Where's the throw-up?
Copy !req
907. Over there in the middle
of the lunch room.
Copy !req
908. Hey, I'll get that cleaned up
lickety-split.
Copy !req
909. Speakin' of lickety-split, let's
meet up later, see what's goin' on.
Copy !req
910. I'm kiddin'.
But seriously, let's hook up.
Copy !req
911. I'm new in town, kinda lonely,
lookin' for my parents.
Copy !req
912. Yeah. Well, the puke pile's
right over there.
Copy !req
913. It's a pretty big
pile of puke.
Copy !req
914. So, clean the puke.
Okay.
Copy !req
915. Well, well,
lookie here.
Copy !req
916. Corn off the cob.
Copy !req
917. This kid should get
his money back.
Copy !req
918. Look! The janitor's gonna eat
the puke! They're hilarious, huh?
Copy !req
919. I assure you I won't. I'm a
vegetarian, and it looks like
Copy !req
920. there's some meat in there.
Copy !req
921. I like kids. They seem
to like...
Copy !req
922. They seem to like me.
Copy !req
923. I'll try the old
reverse psychology.
Copy !req
924. I like gettin' hit with hot
dogs. It don't bother me none.
Copy !req
925. Oh! Stop it!
Copy !req
926. I guess I'm lucky it wasn't
hot chili day today.
Copy !req
927. Aah!
Copy !req
928. Okay, class, let's hear
what these results are.
Copy !req
929. If my calculations are
correct, this will create ice.
Copy !req
930. Oh, no!
Copy !req
931. Killer mustard gas!
Copy !req
932. What'd you say?
Whoa.
Copy !req
933. You're talkin' to me
all wrong. It's...
Copy !req
934. It's the wrong tone.
Copy !req
935. You do it again, I'll stab you
in the face with a soldering iron.
Copy !req
936. Is that right?
Copy !req
937. Let me ask you somethin', huh.
Copy !req
938. Does your mother sew?
Copy !req
939. Boom!
Copy !req
940. Get her to sew that!
Copy !req
941. Whoa!
Copy !req
942. You'd think those stupid punks could
come up with somethin' funnier than
Copy !req
943. "Don't eat it! Don't eat it!
Here's a hot dog!"
Copy !req
944. Whoa, whoa.
Hey, what's goin' on, man?
Copy !req
945. Did you kick their asses?
Copy !req
946. He saved us from the mustard gas. Whoa.
Copy !req
947. You saved our lives, Clem.
Copy !req
948. Whoa!
Copy !req
949. Not me!
That's the guy!
Copy !req
950. No, you're the one that carried
us out. Shut up, you hard-on.
Copy !req
951. That's the guy!
That's the hero!
Copy !req
952. All right, well, then,
thank God for Joe Dirt.
Copy !req
953. Oh, no, man, It wasn't me.
Copy !req
954. That's Joe Dirt!
Copy !req
955. Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!
Copy !req
956. Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!
Copy !req
957. Come on, Joe Dirt!
Copy !req
958. How does it feel
to be a hero, Joe?
Copy !req
959. Over here, Mr. Dirt.
Oh, uh, well, it's like this.
Copy !req
960. Probably feels good, especially
after that brutal run-in with Buffalo Bob.
Copy !req
961. I don't know why you ask about
that guy. Nothin' happened.
Copy !req
962. That's not
what I heard.
Copy !req
963. What's the deal with
your haircut, Joe?
Copy !req
964. It's a wig. I was born
without the top of my skull.
Copy !req
965. Everybody, I'm lookin'
for my parents.
Copy !req
966. Here's a picture of them. It's taken
15 years ago at the Grand Canyon.
Copy !req
967. If anybody has any information
on the whereabouts of 'em,
Copy !req
968. please call this number, okay.
You might get a machine.
Copy !req
969. But if a girl answers, her
name's Brandy. Give her your info.
Copy !req
970. I appreciate any help
I can get.
Copy !req
971. That bein' said,
here's the real scoop.
Copy !req
972. I ain't the guy
that saved them kids.
Copy !req
973. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
974. I'm sorry, man.
Here's the real hero.
Copy !req
975. His name's Clem Doore, and
he's from Josette, Louisiana.
Copy !req
976. He's a friend of mine.
Copy !req
977. Oh, no.
Copy !req
978. He's your real hero,
people, not me.
Copy !req
979. Let's go. Come on, come on.
Move it, move it.
Copy !req
980. Move your asses. Come on. Okay,
this is where that rat bastard lives.
Copy !req
981. You two shoot him low,
you shoot him high.
Copy !req
982. I'm gonna shoot him right through
his heart. All right, let's go.
Copy !req
983. Come on, let's move it!
Kick it in! Kick it in!
Copy !req
984. Hey, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Copy !req
985. What happened here? Don't
I know you from somewhere?
Copy !req
986. I don't know. What's goin' on?
Copy !req
987. Wait a minute, yeah. You're that
guy that had that run-in with that
Copy !req
988. psycho over in Indiana.
Buffalo Bob, right?
Copy !req
989. Yeah. It was really no
big deal. No big deal?
Copy !req
990. That's not what I heard.
Copy !req
991. Is Clem all right?
Copy !req
992. No, he's dead.
Copy !req
993. He's dead?
Man, what happened?
Copy !req
994. Your buddy Clem's real name
was Anthony Benedetti.
Copy !req
995. He was the former boss of
the Cammalleri crime family.
Copy !req
996. He was in town here on the
Federal witness relocation program.
Copy !req
997. What?
Copy !req
998. He turned informer when the
Syndicate executed his wife.
Copy !req
999. His old cronies must've
somehow found he was down here
Copy !req
1000. and they came and killed him.
Copy !req
1001. He killed all them too.
Copy !req
1002. Uh, it's a big mess.
Copy !req
1003. Oh, my God, man.
This is my fault.
Copy !req
1004. Hey, hey, hey! Whoa!
Whoa, whoa.
Copy !req
1005. Can you be cool and let me just
talk to him for a second here, man?
Copy !req
1006. He's a friend of mine.
This whole thing's my fault.
Copy !req
1007. All right, go ahead.
Copy !req
1008. Clem, I didn't know you didn't
wanna be on TV.
Copy !req
1009. I was just tryin' to get the word out
about my parents, man. I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
1010. But maybe you'll find
your wife in heaven.
Copy !req
1011. She'll be just how
you remembered her.
Copy !req
1012. Them big doe eyes.
Copy !req
1013. That soft honey-blonde hair.
Copy !req
1014. Smooth tan skin.
Copy !req
1015. Huge pert rack.
Copy !req
1016. Long legs goin' up
to that tight butt.
Copy !req
1017. Mmm. Mmm.
Mmm.
Copy !req
1018. Clem, you asshole.
Are you alive?
Copy !req
1019. Shh. They're pretending I'm
dead so's they can move me.
Copy !req
1020. I just didn't know you were in this
witness protection thing, brother.
Copy !req
1021. I never would have said
your name on TV, man.
Copy !req
1022. It's okay. I felt it was time
to move on anyway, you know.
Copy !req
1023. Maybe find a better town.
Copy !req
1024. Joe, there's somethin' you should think
about. I was thinkin' about that car.
Copy !req
1025. The Rambler wagon.
That's a rare car.
Copy !req
1026. People would remember
selling a car like that.
Copy !req
1027. Where's that dead guy?
Copy !req
1028. Wait, wait, Joe.
Wait.
Copy !req
1029. Take care,
Joe Dirt.
Copy !req
1030. Whoa. Watch my hair.
Copy !req
1031. Yep, those came with a six-cylinder
258 automatic with three on the tree.
Copy !req
1032. Sweet-lookin' little things,
weren't they?
Copy !req
1033. For sure, man.
How many?
Copy !req
1034. Well, that's what
I'm tryin' to call up here.
Copy !req
1035. Now let's see.
In Louisiana, 1968, we sold...
Copy !req
1036. Wee, doggy! Seventy-three
of those little buggers.
Copy !req
1037. Now you tell me your daddy's name, and I'll
tell you the dealership where he bought it.
Copy !req
1038. That's just it. I don't know his name.
That's what I'm tryin' to find out.
Copy !req
1039. Oh. Well, then...
Copy !req
1040. The best I can do is give you a printout
of all 73 people who bought the car.
Copy !req
1041. Later, if you come up with their
last name, you can go on from there.
Copy !req
1042. By the way, I'm only doin' all of this
'cause I heard that Buffalo Bob guy shoved
Copy !req
1043. a road flare up your bunghole. What?
Copy !req
1044. Hoorah. What... I keep
hearin' about this guy.
Copy !req
1045. Nothin' happened with him.
Nothin' weird. Nothin'.
Copy !req
1046. Anyway, that list had
names from all over the state.
Copy !req
1047. But I was flat broke. I
didn't have no money for gas.
Copy !req
1048. So, I found a job, and that led to
the biggest break In my case yet.
Copy !req
1049. I don't know, Joe.
Copy !req
1050. The way you describe that town
out in the northwest, Silvertown.
Copy !req
1051. Hell, I have half a mind
to move there myself.
Copy !req
1052. Can I ask you a question?
Copy !req
1053. Sure, honey. Shoot.
Copy !req
1054. Your mom and dad still alive.
Copy !req
1055. No.
Copy !req
1056. Did they die?
Copy !req
1057. One night, they got swallowed up by
the biggest damn gator we ever had.
Copy !req
1058. No.
Copy !req
1059. Before they died,
they killed that gator
Copy !req
1060. from the inside by punchin'
out his heart, is my guess.
Copy !req
1061. That's brutal.
Copy !req
1062. The brutal part?
Copy !req
1063. Later that night, I took
my mama's hedge clippers
Copy !req
1064. and cut open that gator and
pulled my folks out of its belly.
Copy !req
1065. See, I just couldn't
stand the thought of my parents
Copy !req
1066. being turned into
alligator shit.
Copy !req
1067. God, I hate these
nasty things!
Copy !req
1068. Hurry up, Phillip.
Copy !req
1069. If I met the right man...
Copy !req
1070. I mean, hell, I'd just shut
this old gator farm down and...
Copy !req
1071. But, you know, you probably don't
wanna hear all my problems, huh.
Copy !req
1072. MAN ON P.A SYSTEM: Folks, grab the
kids. The gator show's about to start.
Copy !req
1073. Yeah. Well, I'd better go.
It's show time.
Copy !req
1074. There's three things to remember
when dealin' with a deadly alligator.
Copy !req
1075. And, yes, they are deadly.
Don't kid yourself.
Copy !req
1076. Rule number one,
I'm number one.
Copy !req
1077. You hear that?
I like to kid around.
Copy !req
1078. Rule two. The croc's number
two. Now, before I begin...
Copy !req
1079. Hey, what's rule three? What's
that? Kid, give me a break now.
Copy !req
1080. So, you don't know rule three?
Copy !req
1081. Yeah, you want a match.
Copy !req
1082. My face and your ass.
How about that, friend, huh.
Copy !req
1083. I mean, your ass and my face.
What's up? Here we go.
Copy !req
1084. I'm a bit of a crocophile,
so don't try this at home.
Copy !req
1085. This here's Rocky,
and he ain't no puppy.
Copy !req
1086. Now, let's see if Rocky's
got some cavities. Ahh.
Copy !req
1087. Now, this mofo knows not to
mess with Sir Joseph Dirt.
Copy !req
1088. Aah! You didn't listen to me!
Copy !req
1089. Aah! Aah!
Copy !req
1090. Rocky! Rocky! No!
Copy !req
1091. Come on, eh.
Rocky!
Copy !req
1092. Rocky!
Oh!
Copy !req
1093. Aah! Aah!
Copy !req
1094. Oh, when bad pets
go bad, dang!
Copy !req
1095. Oh, Joe, are you all right?
Copy !req
1096. It's like the cartoons.
I'm seein' all tweet-tweet.
Copy !req
1097. Joe, what can I do for you?
Copy !req
1098. You're not makin' any sense.
Copy !req
1099. Not makin'?
Copy !req
1100. That's why Dad named you
Joe Dirt instead of Nunamaker!
Copy !req
1101. Nunamaker!
Nunamaker!
Copy !req
1102. That's what my sister said on
the way to the Grand Canyon.
Copy !req
1103. My last name's Dirt,
her last name's Nunamaker!
Copy !req
1104. That's my parents' last name!
Copy !req
1105. I checked my list of Rambler
wagons, and there it was, Nunamaker.
Copy !req
1106. Baton Rouge,
Louisiana.
Copy !req
1107. I was finally home.
Copy !req
1108. Sir.
Copy !req
1109. Hey, Mister, you know the
people who live here, Nunamaker?
Copy !req
1110. They moved.
Copy !req
1111. What's that?
Copy !req
1112. Moved!
Copy !req
1113. They moved. 'Bout 15 year ago.
Copy !req
1114. Had a little boy. Had exact kind
of haircut you got now.
Copy !req
1115. Damn, you outta date, boy. Yeah,
man. That little boy, that's me.
Copy !req
1116. My parents were...
This was my home.
Copy !req
1117. I thought this was it
this time.
Copy !req
1118. Nah. Home is where
you make it.
Copy !req
1119. You like to see homos naked?
Copy !req
1120. Home is where you make it.
Copy !req
1121. You like to see homos naked. That's
cool, man. Whatever. No, no, no, no, no!
Copy !req
1122. Home is where you make it!
Copy !req
1123. Home where you make it.
Copy !req
1124. Oh.
Copy !req
1125. Everybody know that.
Goddamn, boy.
Copy !req
1126. Guy likes to see homos naked.
That don't help me.
Copy !req
1127. So, there I was, right back
where I started all those years ago,
Copy !req
1128. and no closer
to findin' my parents.
Copy !req
1129. And I think a little part
of me died right there.
Copy !req
1130. But you know that saying, "Things
get the darkest before dawn"?
Copy !req
1131. I thought I had broken my ass
bone.
Copy !req
1132. So, I tried not to move. And I'm
Iyin' there starin' at the moon,
Copy !req
1133. and for the first time in my life,
I think about not gettin' back up.
Copy !req
1134. Maybe I'll just lie there for
the rest of my life, you know.
Copy !req
1135. But then, suddenly,
while starin' up at the moon,
Copy !req
1136. I had this strange feeling
that exact moment,
Copy !req
1137. Brandy was starin'
at that same moon.
Copy !req
1138. And we were together.
Copy !req
1139. And just then, all the
tumblers fell into place.
Copy !req
1140. And this door opened in my head, and
all at once I understood everything.
Copy !req
1141. You have to find the real
answer inside yourself.
Copy !req
1142. And the answer for me was
that I had a home all along,
Copy !req
1143. with a friend that really cared about
me. Brandy. I missed her like crazy,
Copy !req
1144. and I decided it was time to
go home. My search was over.
Copy !req
1145. Brandy, wish I hadn't
gotten the machine. It's me, Joe.
Copy !req
1146. I got some crazy stuff
to tell you,
Copy !req
1147. but the most important part is I'm comin'
back to Silvertown. I can't wait to see you
Copy !req
1148. and tell you everything.
Brandy, I...
Copy !req
1149. Message deleted.
Copy !req
1150. Yeah! Whoo!
Copy !req
1151. Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Copy !req
1152. Well, well, well.
Copy !req
1153. If it isn't dirty Joe Dirt.
Hey, Robby, what's crappenin'?
Copy !req
1154. Don't get smart with me,
you motherless dirtbag!
Copy !req
1155. You been here long enough.
Copy !req
1156. I'm here to see Brandy.
Copy !req
1157. Brandy? My Brandy? You haven't
heard? Me and her are gettin' married.
Copy !req
1158. Yeah. And besides, she
don't wanna see you anyway.
Copy !req
1159. I don't believe that.
Copy !req
1160. Well, it's true.
Copy !req
1161. She found your stupid parents. What?
Copy !req
1162. Yeah, she found 'em down in California.
But she didn't wanna tell you,
Copy !req
1163. 'cause she wants you gone, out
on the road lookin' for nothin',
Copy !req
1164. so you won't be here. She's sick of all
your crap. She's sick of helpin' you.
Copy !req
1165. And she's just plain sick of
you. No, she wouldn't do that.
Copy !req
1166. I know Brandy. She wouldn't
not tell me about my parents.
Copy !req
1167. I don't care how sick of me
she is.
Copy !req
1168. Yeah well, check out
this note she left me.
Copy !req
1169. In case you called
and I answered the phone.
Copy !req
1170. "Dear Robby,
Copy !req
1171. "if Joe calls,
Copy !req
1172. "don't tell him
Copy !req
1173. "I found his parents.
Copy !req
1174. "I'll be back
in a few days. "
Copy !req
1175. See, she signed it right
there. "Brandy. XOXO."
Copy !req
1176. That's right, Dirt.
Nobody wants you in this town.
Copy !req
1177. Nobody wants you around,
period!
Copy !req
1178. Aww.
Copy !req
1179. Look at him, fellas.
Copy !req
1180. You cryin', boy?
You cryin', boy?
Copy !req
1181. Maybe we'll go to McDonald's and get
you a whaa-burger and some French cries!
Copy !req
1182. How about a Whineken? You little
sissy boy! Def Leppard sucks!
Copy !req
1183. For the record, I wasn't crying'.
There was dirt in my eyes.
Copy !req
1184. Joey, it's not cuttin' it,
man. It's jive.
Copy !req
1185. My story no, man.
Everything I said is true.
Copy !req
1186. No, not your story.
Brandy. Brandy is jive.
Copy !req
1187. And I wanna get her on the phone
right now. I wanna track her down.
Copy !req
1188. And I wanna ask her why she was
playin' these games with you.
Copy !req
1189. No, man. You don't need
to bother her none.
Copy !req
1190. Freddy?
Freddy, get line 3 on speaker.
Copy !req
1191. No. You know what,
guys, I'm fine.
Copy !req
1192. Everything's cool with me. I got a place
up in Malibu, I got lots of friends.
Copy !req
1193. I do worry about you, man. You know why?
Because you're livin' In a boiler room, Joe.
Copy !req
1194. Yeah, I got
a couple places.
Copy !req
1195. You know what, Joey? I think you... You
know what, I can't believe I'm sayin'...
Copy !req
1196. I think we need some resolution
here. We need a little closure.
Copy !req
1197. I wanna get this woman on the
phone, and I wanna ask her what
Copy !req
1198. the hell was goin' on back
then. Did she find your parents?
Copy !req
1199. Did she ever track 'em down and if she
did, well, why couldn't she have called you?
Copy !req
1200. Hello.
Copy !req
1201. Well, well, well, the famous Brandy,
Tokyo Rose of the trailer park.
Copy !req
1202. Hey, Brandy, I'm sittin' here
with a friend of yours,
Copy !req
1203. a little white-trash treasure that
you might know by the name of Joe Dirt.
Copy !req
1204. Ring a bell?
Joe?
Copy !req
1205. Yeah, Joe. And I don't think
he wants to talk to you, Brandy.
Copy !req
1206. And you know why? 'Cause over
the last few days, my listeners
Copy !req
1207. and I have heard
an amazing story.
Copy !req
1208. You know what? When he first started this
story, I thought of you as a good person.
Copy !req
1209. But the more it rolled on down
the road, I'm not sure you are
Copy !req
1210. a good person, Brandy. Why didn't
you tell him you'd found his parents?
Copy !req
1211. Oh, my God.
How'd he find out?
Copy !req
1212. So the letter Robby showed
Joe is true? You wrote that?
Copy !req
1213. Yes, I wrote
that letter,
Copy !req
1214. because I wanted
to tell Joe in person.
Copy !req
1215. And months went by,
and he never came home.
Copy !req
1216. Joe, I did find
where your parents were.
Copy !req
1217. Joe, brace yourself for this.
Copy !req
1218. Your parents are dead, Joe.
Copy !req
1219. They died that day
at the Grand Canyon.
Copy !req
1220. Their car was hit by a
passin' truck, a hit-and-run.
Copy !req
1221. I'm so sorry,
but your search is over.
Copy !req
1222. Come home, Joe,
so I can take care of you.
Copy !req
1223. Oh, man.
Copy !req
1224. I gotta go.
Copy !req
1225. Sure.
Copy !req
1226. Thank you.
Copy !req
1227. All right, we'll, uh...
We'll take a break.
Copy !req
1228. Yeah, he's Joe Dirt!
Copy !req
1229. Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!
You rule, Joe!
Copy !req
1230. You rule! Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!
Copy !req
1231. Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt! Joe
Dirt! Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!
Copy !req
1232. The phenomenon
of Joe Dirt has captured
Copy !req
1233. the city's imagination. The
little man, the ordinary person
Copy !req
1234. who endured enormous adversity,
and all the while maintained
Copy !req
1235. his positive outlook on life,
teaching us along the way,
Copy !req
1236. "You can't have 'no'
in your heart,"
Copy !req
1237. and "Life's a garden. Dig it.
" Mr. Dirt is seen here meeting
Copy !req
1238. one of his longtime idols,
Eddie Money.
Copy !req
1239. Welcome back to TRL.
Copy !req
1240. We are here with America's sweetheart,
Joe Dirt. Joe? Joe, come back over here.
Copy !req
1241. Joe!
We have a show to do here.
Copy !req
1242. People forget we're live. You
like the window, don't you?
Copy !req
1243. Yeah!
Copy !req
1244. Joe, before we wrap this up, is
there anything else you wanna say?
Copy !req
1245. I just wanna say thanks
to all the people that
Copy !req
1246. stop me in the street and tell
me my story helped them somehow.
Copy !req
1247. And your story is really cool. It's like
a Behind the Music without the music.
Copy !req
1248. But are you depressed I mean, your
parents, who you were looking for,
Copy !req
1249. all along, were dead. Was the
last decade a complete waste?
Copy !req
1250. Well, uh, no one's really put it
like that, but I don't think so.
Copy !req
1251. I've had some good times, met some cool
people, cruised around, cranked some tunes.
Copy !req
1252. What about Brandy Is there any chance
you guys are gonna hook back up?
Copy !req
1253. Um, well, you know, she's a good
friend of mine, and she's off doin'
Copy !req
1254. her own thing right now, but I've
always said she's a little too hot
Copy !req
1255. for old Joe Dirt. I
agree. So does America.
Copy !req
1256. In fact, in our latest "Is Brandy
too hot for Joe Dirt?" poll,
Copy !req
1257. 61 % of you agreed. Even worse, 4%
said the dog was too hot for you.
Copy !req
1258. Dang. I'm just kidding.
You're on TRL, California.
Copy !req
1259. Hello, California.
Copy !req
1260. Hey, wait... Am I...
Am I on? I'm on?
Copy !req
1261. Hey, baby, I'm on! Yeah. Hey,
Carson, how big's your Johnny?
Copy !req
1262. Joe, I think happy hour started
a little early in California.
Copy !req
1263. A little drinky-drinky. The reason I'm
really callin' is Joe Dirt's parents
Copy !req
1264. ain't dead. I'm lookin' at his
father right now, and I'm his mama.
Copy !req
1265. Ma'am, you should never drink the
bong water. Yeah, listen to him.
Copy !req
1266. Carson, just where you wanna
be when Jesus comes back?
Copy !req
1267. Makin' fun...
Sorry, Joe.
Copy !req
1268. Wait, wait. Where's that
call comin' from? California.
Copy !req
1269. Listen, I gotta go.
Copy !req
1270. Oh, no, Joe!
Copy !req
1271. So, Carson helped me
trace the call,
Copy !req
1272. and it led me to this old trailer
park in Simi Valley, California.
Copy !req
1273. Wow. Wow.
Copy !req
1274. That's our old car!
Copy !req
1275. Right here, guys.
There he is.
Copy !req
1276. Joe, can I have
an exclusive?
Copy !req
1277. Your parents
are alive after all?
Copy !req
1278. Joe! Joe!
How are you feeling?
Copy !req
1279. Mom, Dad, is that you?
Copy !req
1280. Our baby's home.
Copy !req
1281. Damn. We tried so hard to find
him. We looked high and low.
Copy !req
1282. I got some pictures here. Look
at this. Here's a picture of Joe
Copy !req
1283. when he was a baby. Did
you get it? Yeah. Aw, baby.
Copy !req
1284. You were a cute baby, Joe Dirt.
That's why we were so crazy
Copy !req
1285. when we lost him. I mean,
he's here and now he's gone.
Copy !req
1286. Oh, mama, it's all
right. Where'd he go? Aw.
Copy !req
1287. Did they get it?
Oh, where'd he go?
Copy !req
1288. I was at the canyon, yeah.
You know what?
Copy !req
1289. It was right by the garbage
can where you left me.
Copy !req
1290. Wha...? Is that where you
were? Well, I'll be dipped.
Copy !req
1291. The one place we didn't look.
I knew you looked for me.
Copy !req
1292. I told everybody you would.
And was there ever a time
Copy !req
1293. when you would look at the
moon, and was hopin' maybe
Copy !req
1294. I was lookin' at it too?
Copy !req
1295. Wouldn't you know
Copy !req
1296. that I've been doin' this clown sort
of thing? Can everybody get a shot
Copy !req
1297. of these? Do you see these clown
figurines? Whenever I used to get sad,
Copy !req
1298. I'd just look at a clown, and then I just
can't help it. I just can't stop grinnin'.
Copy !req
1299. They're available
for purchase.
Copy !req
1300. We're startin' this
Clown. Com kind of a thing.
Copy !req
1301. Yeah.
Copy !req
1302. I don't mean to interrupt
your clown pitch there,
Copy !req
1303. but how exactly do you not go right
back to the place where you saw me?
Copy !req
1304. Hey, how exactly
is a rainbow made?
Copy !req
1305. How exactly
does the sun set?
Copy !req
1306. How exactly does the Posi-Trac
rear end on a Plymouth work?
Copy !req
1307. It just does.
Copy !req
1308. I'm not talkin'
about Posi-Trac.
Copy !req
1309. I'm talkin' about me. How long did
you look for me before you gave up?
Copy !req
1310. How long were you ridin' in that car
before you realized I wasn't in it?
Copy !req
1311. Exactly how long?
Copy !req
1312. All right!
We didn't lose him.
Copy !req
1313. We just left him. So what?
The dude's doin' fine!
Copy !req
1314. Look at him!
Copy !req
1315. How could you do that to me?
I was only eight years old.
Copy !req
1316. I was just a little kid. Do you have
any idea what it's like to be a kid and
Copy !req
1317. have nobody around to talk to? No one
that cares if you're alive or dead?
Copy !req
1318. Every day you just think you're
worthless, and there's a void in your life.
Copy !req
1319. Oh, come on, honey. Lose
that frown! Lighten up, buddy.
Copy !req
1320. When you're down,
stare at a clown.
Copy !req
1321. Hey, sit down! You're blockin'
the cameras! Move over.
Copy !req
1322. I don't care about that!
And I don't care about you!
Copy !req
1323. And I don't wanna see you for
another 25 years! Joe, wait!
Copy !req
1324. I wish he'd never found us!
Look what he did to my children!
Copy !req
1325. Hey, TV people!
Copy !req
1326. Hey, you're grounded! Hey, TV
people! Why are y'all goin' away?
Copy !req
1327. Come over here!
You don't have to follow him!
Copy !req
1328. What are you gonna
do now, Joe?
Copy !req
1329. Somebody do something.
Copy !req
1330. Joe, just turn around
now. It's not worth it, Joe.
Copy !req
1331. We are here at Wallace Bridge,
Copy !req
1332. where local celebrity Joe Dirt
is threatening to kill himself.
Copy !req
1333. Come on, Joe. Remember
what you said on the show,
Copy !req
1334. "Life's a garden.
Dig it?"
Copy !req
1335. You gotta get down from there,
brother. You don't wanna do this.
Copy !req
1336. Why not, man, I got nothin'.
I've been lookin' forever
Copy !req
1337. for those people, and everyone
lies to me, man.
Copy !req
1338. I'm worthless.
Copy !req
1339. Joe!
Copy !req
1340. Hey, sorry, lady. You can't cut
through here. Joe, it's me, Brandy!
Copy !req
1341. Oh, it's Brandy? Like, the Brandy? Yes!
Copy !req
1342. Why didn't you say so.
Come on!
Copy !req
1343. Hey, everybody, Brandy's here!
Hey, it's Brandy!
Copy !req
1344. Come on, come on.
Copy !req
1345. That's her!
Copy !req
1346. Joe!
Copy !req
1347. Brandy?
Copy !req
1348. I'm here, Joe.
Copy !req
1349. You told me my parents
were dead, and I saw 'em.
Copy !req
1350. They're horrible.
Why did you lie to me?
Copy !req
1351. They saw you on the news when you saved
those kids. They thought you got a reward.
Copy !req
1352. So you did see 'em first.
So it's just like Robby said.
Copy !req
1353. Yes, but once I met them, I knew
I had to protect you from them.
Copy !req
1354. They're bad people.
You're not like them, Joe.
Copy !req
1355. They didn't leave you. You left
them. You've gotta see that.
Copy !req
1356. And, Joe, if you had stayed with
them, you wouldn't have turned out
Copy !req
1357. as wonderful as you are.
Copy !req
1358. Robby said
you didn't want me around,
Copy !req
1359. and he said that you was always
laughin' at me behind my back.
Copy !req
1360. Why would Robby say such a
thing? Of course that's not true.
Copy !req
1361. I love you, Joe,
with all my heart.
Copy !req
1362. I wanna get married, Joe, and have
little Joe Dirts. Come home, Joe.
Copy !req
1363. You had a home all along.
You just couldn't see it.
Copy !req
1364. You really love me?
Copy !req
1365. I did it! I did it! I roped
him with a bungee cord.
Copy !req
1366. No!
Copy !req
1367. Dang!
Copy !req
1368. Joe! Joe!
Copy !req
1369. Ooh!
Copy !req
1370. Oh, man. I just had
the weirdest dream.
Copy !req
1371. You were in it.
Copy !req
1372. So were you.
Copy !req
1373. Oh, my God.
Brandy, I'm home?
Copy !req
1374. Clem, Charlene,
Kickin' Wing.
Copy !req
1375. It's not Clem anymore.
Copy !req
1376. It's Gert B. Frobe.
Copy !req
1377. Wha?
Copy !req
1378. Witness Protection relocated
me. I asked for Silvertown,
Copy !req
1379. on account of how you talked
about it. It's wonderful here.
Copy !req
1380. Hello, Joe Dirt.
Copy !req
1381. You taught me to sell
the good stuff. Now I have
Copy !req
1382. 30 fireworks stands, which
completely fund my animal shelters.
Copy !req
1383. It's all because of you, Joe.
Copy !req
1384. Good job, brother.
Copy !req
1385. I sold the gator farm, after one of
those bastards snapped off my thumb
Copy !req
1386. and middle finger. I came up here
to check up on you, and, well,
Copy !req
1387. I met Gert B. Frobe.
Copy !req
1388. And it's a good thing that
gator didn't get my ring finger,
Copy !req
1389. because Gert's asked me
to marry him.
Copy !req
1390. Yeah.
Copy !req
1391. Right on.
Joe.
Copy !req
1392. When you were in the hospital for
your head injury, I had the doctor
Copy !req
1393. surgically put on a wig that's
a little more contemporary.
Copy !req
1394. Ooh! Dang!
That's cool.
Copy !req
1395. And Joe, we have a big
surprise for you.
Copy !req
1396. What's up?
Copy !req
1397. My Hemi! You got it
outta hock for me? Dang! Yeah!
Copy !req
1398. Somebody else wants
to get in here.
Copy !req
1399. Who's that?
Copy !req
1400. Come on, boy! Come on!
Wow! Looks like Charlie!
Copy !req
1401. Yep. Apparently, back in the
day, Charlie had a little sexual
Copy !req
1402. encounter with this one's ma.
Copy !req
1403. Say hello to Charlie Two.
Copy !req
1404. Good boy. You got a big
family now, Joe Dirt.
Copy !req
1405. You better be good to us.
Copy !req
1406. Oh, I will.
Copy !req
1407. Hey, Dirt! I thought I told you,
buddy, nobody wants you around!
Copy !req
1408. Hey! You're talkin'
to my guy all wrong.
Copy !req
1409. It's the wrong tone. Do it again, I'll
stab you in the face with a soldering iron.
Copy !req
1410. You're his dad?
Copy !req
1411. What if I am?
What if we're his family?
Copy !req
1412. Okay.
Copy !req
1413. At least I know my car
will blow his off the road!
Copy !req
1414. You actually think you can match that little
Slant Six of yours against his 426 Hemi?
Copy !req
1415. Huh?
Copy !req
1416. Then let's do it, little boy.
Copy !req
1417. Whoo!
That's my girl.
Copy !req
1418. Let's rock, Dirtboy.
Copy !req
1419. Let's go!
Copy !req
1420. Damn.
Copy !req
1421. Now, it's time for the good stuff! Whoo!
Copy !req
1422. Yeah! Light her up!
Copy !req
1423. This next song goes out to our
good friend, Joe Dirt, the dirt man.
Copy !req
1424. Joe, wherever you are, this is
for you, buddy. Welcome home, Joe.
Copy !req
1425. Welcome home.
Copy !req