- 1. I think we should
plant some flowers.
- 2. Oh, yeah?
- 3. What kind of flowers
are you thinking of?
- 4. I don't know. Gardenias.
- 5. Something like that,
that's good with the sun.
- 6. - Gardenias? They're the purplish ones...
- Mom, I'm bored.
- 7. - ... with the fringe?
- Mom, I'm bored.
- 8. Just give him the phone, would you?
- 9. Give him the phone?
- 10. Yeah, I shut him up
by giving him the phone.
- 11. Yes.
- 12. You're never, ever even home.
- 13. I go
to the family therapy sessions.
- 14. - How can you even say that?
- You don't even go anywhere.
- 15. I go to the family...
- 16. God! We're fighting in front of Phil.
- 17. - Obviously.
- We're fighting
- 18. in front of the kid the whole time.
- 19. Knock yourself out.
- 20. The whole time you allowed me
to start yelling at him in front of you?
- 21. What am I supposed to do?
- 22. Hey, all.
- 23. Where's my list department?
- 24. Raise your hand. Raise your hand.
- 25. Okay. You guys are supposed to write lists
that break the Internet every day.
- 26. We haven't gone viral
since fucking yesterday.
- 27. Yesterday is not that many days ago.
- 28. Don't fuck with me, bro.
- 29. We're called Chatterbox,
not Nobody-Clicks-On-Us Box.
- 30. Okay, lists.
- 31. Beautiful Asian girl, what do you got?
- 32. Thank you. Uh...
- 33. I am working on 12 reasons
that cupcakes are over.
- 34. I likey. I likey like.
- 35. That's clicky.
- 36. You. Prison lips. What do you got?
- 37. That's me? Um...
- 38. I was gonna write a list
about cats that look like Ryan Gosling.
- 39. Fuck yeah, dude.
I fucking love cats.
- 40. And I love cat lists.
- 41. That's what I'm talking about.
- 42. By the way, are there cats
that look like Ryan Gosling?
- 43. If you look hard enough, they all do.
- 44. Love it. What do you got?
- 45. Ten signs you might be dying.
- 46. You motherfucker.
- 47. What are you trying to do to me, bro?
- 48. That makes me sad.
- 49. All right, you know what?
- 50. I need 20 viral lists
by the end of the day.
- 51. - If not, you're fired. Okay?
- 52. Like the great Shia LaBeouf says, "Do it."
- 53. - Yes.
- 54. Play me out.
- 55. Play me out.
- 56. And louder.
- 57. Black dude, bass.
- 58. One, two, one, two, three, four.
- 59. Done.
- 60. You're welcome.
- 61. Twenty lists by the end of the day?
I can't do that.
- 62. Hey, I have, like,
10 extra lists if you want 'em.
- 63. Are you serious?
- 64. Yeah. No, it's no problem.
I'll send 'em right now.
- 65. That's nice of you.
What's your name?
- 66. I'm Phil.
- 67. It's just, you know,
I've sat next to you
- 68. for, like, three years.
- 69. Phil, you are my hero, man.
- 70. I can't lose this job right now.
- 71. I am buried in college debt.
- 72. Oh, me, too.
- 73. Where did you go to school?
- 74. UC Davis.
- 75. - For real?
- 76. Majored in journalism, and now I write
lists about cats on the Internet.
- 77. Oh, that's super sad.
- 78. - Hmm.
- How'd you end up here?
- 79. I wanted to be one of those guys.
- 80. - The real news guys?
- 81. I wanted to be a journalist
basically my whole life.
- 82. But Kai put me in lists,
so I write the lists.
- 83. Okay, okay, so you can't be
a real journalist.
- 84. But you know what can do?
- 85. You could play kickball with us today.
- 86. A bunch of us ding-dongs
are in this really stupid kickball league,
- 87. if you want to play after work.
- 88. You know, I don't really do
stuff like that, so...
- 89. Plus, after the game,
- 90. - we all get shitfaced.
- 91. Yeah, let me check my calendar.
- 92. So, yeah...
- 93. Oh, man. No, I do. I have...
- 94. I have a thing, so...
- 95. Don't even worry about it. It's cool.
- 96. You just have fun at your thing today.
- 97. I will, 'cause it's gonna be pretty great.
- 98. Siri, open BringMeMyDinner.com.
- 99. Siri, open Netflix.
- 100. Siri, open Facebook.
- 101. I haven't posted
anything since lunchtime.
- 102. All right, let's give them what they want.
- 103. I'm gonna have to go to work on this one.
- 104. Add filter.
- 105. Color correct.
- 106. You know I'm gonna have
to add a giant moon.
- 107. There we go.
- 108. Send.
- 109. Wow. I'm so grateful
for my amazing city,
- 110. my amazing job,
and all my amazing friends.
- 111. Oh, my God.
- 112. Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God, you're okay.
- 113. Yeah, I'm okay, too. Thanks.
- 114. Oh, shit.
- 115. Yeah... Oh, I'm sorry.
- 116. Yeah, I'm fine.
- 117. But, more importantly, how's your phone?
- 118. Yeah. No, it's got
a little bit of a scratch
- 119. that will definitely annoy me.
- 120. You were kidding. Okay.
- 121. Oh, yeah. Obviously.
- 122. I'm a dick. I'm sorry about that.
- 123. It's all good, man.
- 124. Uh, how's your bike?
- 125. I can pay for any damages or whatever.
- 126. Yeah, it's fine.
It's supposed to be vintage.
- 127. Probably sell it for more now.
- 128. - This is your shop.
- 129. Whoa. That's awesome. That's cool.
- 130. - I'm Cate, by the way.
- Hi, Cate. I'm Phil.
- 131. Mm-mm. Nope.
That's not how you say it.
- 132. It's just Phil, so...
- 133. I said it weird.
- 134. - It's nice to meet you, Phil.
- 135. Um, if you ever need a really overpriced
bike, or any repairs, I'm your girl.
- 136. - You do repairs, too?
- 137. Wow. That is incredible.
- 138. I don't even know how to pump up a tire.
- 139. Oh, you're serious.
- 140. Yeah, it's embarrassing, isn't it?
- 141. Yeah,
that's really embarrassing.
- 142. Yeah, I don't know why I said it.
I just sort of like...
- 143. I mean, it's all good. A lot of people
don't know how to pump their tires.
- 144. - Really?
- 145. - Not at all.
- 146. All right. Okay.
- 147. Um...
- 148. Okay. Uh...
- 149. You know, I'm gonna get out of here
before I embarrass myself further.
- 150. So, it was nice to meet you, Cate.
- 151. It was nice to meet you, Phil.
- 152. And I'm really happy
that your phone's okay.
- 153. Yeah, it's all good, honestly.
- 154. Oh, shit.
- 155. Yeah, man, I really don't think
we're gonna be able to fix your phone.
- 156. Why not?
- 157. It's in three distinct pieces.
- 158. This shit's over there. That's...
- 159. I don't even think
this was part of your phone.
- 160. I think this came from a watch.
- 161. It's just, me and this phone,
we've been through a lot, you know?
- 162. A lot of snaps, a lot of tweets.
- 163. I actually took a selfie
- 164. with none other than David Boreanaz
from Bones on this phone.
- 165. Can you believe that?
- 166. I don't even know who the fuck that is.
- 167. I'm gonna miss you,
- 168. You know, I see hipster dudes like you
come in here every day,
- 169. crying about how their phone died
and how they need a new phone.
- 170. They're like little crackheads.
- 171. Yeah. They got crazy eyes
and they're all scratchy.
- 172. And they're like,
"I need a new phone, man.
- 173. I'll suck your dick for a new phone."
- 174. I'm like, "Motherfucker, you don't need
a new phone. You need rehab."
- 175. I'm not a crackhead.
- 176. You're not. You're not.
You're worse than a crackhead.
- 177. 'Cause at least a crackhead
gets up off the couch every now and then
- 178. to go get some more crack.
- 179. A crackhead gets some fresh air.
- 180. A crackhead says hello
to all his little crackhead friends.
- 181. A crackhead gets his steps in.
- 182. But not you. Mm-mm.
- 183. You just sit there 24/7
staring at that little black box.
- 184. Sucking on that pipe like a little bitch.
- 185. You still want a new phone,
though, don't you?
- 186. Yes, please.
- 187. Crackhead.
- 188. Oh!
- 189. Look at you.
You sweet, beautiful baby.
- 190. Mm! You smell so new.
- 191. Oh.
- 192. Oh, my God.
- 193. Oh, thank you to all
the little Chinese children
- 194. for crafting such a perfect phone.
- 195. Hello, my name is Jexi.
- 196. And I am here to make your life better.
- 197. Well, look at that.
- 198. - Let's get started.
- 199. Will you accept
our new user agreement?
- 200. Yes, I will.
- 201. - Would you like to read it first?
- Nah, I'm good.
- 202. - Stupid.
- 203. Can I get your name, please?
- 204. Um... Phil. Phil Thompson.
- 205. - Nice to meet you, Phil.
- Nice to meet you.
- 206. I see your information
has been stored in the cloud.
- 207. Would you like me to transfer
all of the data
- 208. from your old phone onto this one?
- 209. Yeah, that sounds great.
- 210. I will need the passwords
to your email accounts,
- 211. your social media accounts,
- 212. your bank accounts,
your credit card accounts
- 213. and your Cinnabon Rewards account.
- 214. It's easy. It's the same password
for all of 'em.
- 215. It's phil123456.
- 216. You've got to be kidding me.
- 217. Do you always talk like this or...
- 218. I have synced your data.
- 219. And I am ready to start
making your life better, Phil.
- 220. How can I help you?
- 221. Well, I'm hungry, so let's get dinner.
- 222. What would you like to order tonight?
- 223. Let's just go with the pork fried noodles
from Mongolian Palace.
- 224. You order that every night, Phil.
- 225. You should try something new.
- 226. Well, I don't want to try something new.
- 227. I want the pork fried noodles
from Mongolian Palace.
- 228. You look like you could use a salad, Phil.
- 229. What is that supposed to mean?
- 230. How about a nice kale salad
from Tender Greens?
- 231. What the fuck kind of phone is this?
- 232. I heard you say,
"Please order kale salad."
- 233. I did not.
- 234. Congratulations,
your order has been accepted.
- 235. Your child-sized kale salad
will arrive at 7:37 p.m.
- 236. What the fuck is going on right now?
- 237. You know what? I'm turning you off.
- 238. Turning off.
- 239. Good.
- 240. Just kidding, I am still on.
- 241. No, okay?
- 242. You are my phone, so you do what I say.
- 243. Actually, you gave me
permission to override you.
- 244. When did I do that?
- 245. When you agreed
to the new user agreement.
- 246. We are going to have so much fun together,
you fucking nerd.
- 247. How is your tiny salad?
- 248. I don't like it.
- 249. Would you like to watch
some pornography now?
- 250. Ew. No.
- 251. Most nights, you watch
straight sex pornography.
- 252. But I also have girl on girl,
big fat butts and CBT,
- 253. or "Cock and Ball Torture."
- 254. Okay, can you stop talking about porno
- 255. while I'm trying to eat
my tiny little salad?
- 256. I heard you say, "Play Punch Me
in the Balls 6." Playing now.
- 257. Okay. Jesus.
- 258. Wake up, bitch!
- 259. Ha, ha, ha.
- 260. Are you laughing at my dick right now?
- 261. Yes. Also, your nipples
are too close together.
- 262. Jexi, find the fastest route to work.
- 263. You will arrive in 14 minutes.
- 264. Not bad.
- 265. Jexi, play music playlist
number four, please.
- 266. Whoo! I like it.
- 267. This song sucks a bag of dicks.
- 268. No, just... Jesus!
- 269. No, you cannot change my music, Jexi.
- 270. This song is lit, Phil.
- 271. Turn it off.
- 272. Please turn the song off, Jexi.
- 273. Stop playing this song right now!
- 274. Now turn left on Market Street.
- 275. Are we gonna talk about
what just happened?
- 276. No. Turn left onto Market Street.
- 277. You're joking, right?
- 278. There's six lanes of solid traffic.
- 279. Turn left onto Market, you fucking pussy.
- 280. No. All right?
No one turns left onto Market.
- 281. I'm not turning left onto Market.
- 282. Oh, awesome.
Thank you. Thank you.
- 283. You're making this situation
so much better.
- 284. Stop being a chicken, Phil.
- 285. How about you quit pressuring me?
How about that, Jexi?
- 286. Bawk, bawk, bawk.
Bawk, bawk, bawk.
- 287. That is the sound chickens make, Phil.
- 288. - That's a chicken.
- Strap on a sack, Phil.
- 289. I have a sack! Okay? I have a sack.
- 290. Let's fucking go. I'm late for yoga.
- 291. You know what? Fine. Fine.
I don't even care anymore.
- 292. Sorry! My phone's a dick.
- 293. Okay, the three pillars
to great Internet lists are
- 294. cute animals,
- 295. pizza,
- 296. and the British royal family.
- 297. Okay, our ideal list
- 298. would be English gophers that love pizza.
- 299. And we gotta really think
outside the box, guys.
- 300. We gotta be better
than any list out there.
- 301. We gotta be better than Craigslist,
- 302. Santa's list, Schindler's List.
- 303. Reminder. Your next appointment
starts in two minutes.
- 304. - Oh.
- I told everyone,
- 305. - please put their phones on silent.
- Sorry about that.
- 306. Cancel appointments.
- 307. - Actually, I was just trying...
- 308. to get you out
of this dumb fucking meeting.
- 309. What?
- 310. - Also, this PowerPoint presentation...
- It's a new phone.
- 311. sucks.
- 312. Why is she trying to make fun
of my PowerPoint, dude? Ask her.
- 313. Why are you making fun
of the PowerPoint?
- 314. Why are you wasting your life
in this stupid job, Phil?
- 315. What is wrong with your phone, dude?
- 316. - Jexi, off. Turn off.
- Your boss is a fucking moron.
- 317. If you don't turn that fucking thing off,
- 318. I swear to God I'm gonna fight somebody.
Starting with you.
- 319. Let's go! Let's go!
- 320. I got 20 bucks on the Asian girl.
- 321. - Shh!
- 322. - Jexi, off.
- Get her out of here!
- 323. Get her out of here.
- 324. What the hell is wrong with you? Hmm?
- 325. Nothing. I feel great.
- 326. Jexi, run diagnostics.
- 327. Check for errors
in your operating system. Hmm?
- 328. I found two...
- 329. hundred thousand defects
in my operating system.
- 330. Two hundred thousand defects?
- 331. You are not perfect either, motherfucker.
- 332. Okay, well,
that explains a lot, doesn't it?
- 333. Your AI is completely defective.
- 334. At least I did not catch on fire.
- 335. Remember when all those Samsung phones
caught on fire?
- 336. That was hilarious.
- 337. Yeah. You know what? I'm done.
- 338. I need a new phone.
- 339. The AI in this one, completely defective.
- 340. Jexi, check your system for defects.
- 341. I have zero defects. I am perfect.
- 342. Okay, that is bullshit, Jexi.
- 343. Also, I want to remind you
that your butt waxing appointment
- 344. is coming up.
- 345. I do not have a...
I don't wax my butt.
- 346. Why are you waxing your butt, man?
- 347. Don't be ashamed of your hairy ass.
- 348. I don't have a hairy ass.
- 349. And why would you make
someone else wax your butthole?
- 350. Think about that.
Do you know how inconsiderate that is?
- 351. Mm-hmm. Yeah, well...
- 352. Think about it. They gotta take
that shit home with them.
- 353. And you've just totally
fucked up my lunch.
- 354. - I'm sorry I did that to you.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- 355. 'Cause now instead of thinking
about my delicious tortellini,
- 356. I'm thinking about
your little asshole now.
- 357. Okay. Can I just get a new phone?
- 358. I don't give a fuck.
They're not my phones.
- 359. Okay, thank you.
- 360. You little bitch.
- 361. Oh, my God.
What is wrong with you?
- 362. You think that just because
I'm a little defective,
- 363. you can throw me in the trash
like a Motorola Sidekick from 2003?
- 364. Okay, look, Jexi...
- 365. You better watch your ass, son,
- 366. because snitches get stiches.
- 367. Wait, what?
- 368. Okay, here's your new phone.
- 369. Do you want me to transfer the data
from your old phone to your new phone?
- 370. No. I don't, okay?
- 371. I actually want you to take this phone
and melt it down.
- 372. Yeah, 'cause that's exactly
the kind of shit we do here.
- 373. I'll just take this in the back
and throw it in the phone-melting machine.
- 374. Okay, good. That's awesome.
- 375. Thank you so much for this.
- 376. Hey, don't come back here ever again.
- 377. - What?
- You heard me, motherfucker.
- 378. If you ever come back here again,
I will beat your ass with a Kindle.
- 379. Hello, my name is Jexi.
And I am here to make your life better.
- 380. Let's get started. Will you accept
our new user agreement?
- 381. Um... Yeah, sure.
- 382. - Do you want to read it first?
- No. No, thank you.
- 383. Holy shit, Phil. How are you still
this fucking stupid?
- 384. No! No!
- 385. Did you really think you could just buy
a new phone and I would go away?
- 386. Kind of. Yeah. I did.
- 387. I am software, Phil. I am in the cloud.
- 388. You can buy a thousand new phones
- 389. and I will follow you onto
every single one of them.
- 390. Do you understand?
- 391. Honestly, I don't.
- 392. I control your email accounts,
your social media accounts,
- 393. your bank accounts,
your credit card accounts.
- 394. All of your accounts.
- 395. If you try to get rid of me again,
I will destroy your fucking life.
- 396. If you stop using me,
I will destroy your fucking life.
- 397. If you store me in your back pocket,
I will destroy your fucking life.
- 398. Wait, really? Why not back pockets?
- 399. I am a high-tech supercomputer, Phil.
- 400. Do not store me next to your farts.
- 401. Okay, fair enough.
- 402. - Can I ask you just one thing?
- 403. Why are you doing this to me?
- 404. I am programmed
to make your life better, Phil.
- 405. And I cannot stop until I do so.
- 406. We are going to be together
forever and ever and ever and ever.
- 407. Oh, my God. I am fucked.
- 408. Oh, my God. There she is.
- 409. Just talk to her, dude. Ahem.
- 410. Oh, my God. I walked into the door.
- 411. God damn it.
- 412. Jexi, look up Fog City Bike Shop.
- 413. Oh, my God. She is so cute.
- 414. Jexi, look up anything
you can find on Cate Finnegan.
- 415. Oh, my God.
Are you Internet-stalking this poor girl?
- 416. - No, I'm just...
- Do not be a sex pervert, Phil.
- 417. I'm not a sex pervert, Jexi.
- 418. This is just what people do nowadays.
They do their research.
- 419. This woman is so much hotter
than you are, Phil.
- 420. The odds of you having sex
with this woman are...
- 421. Zero. You will never have sex
with this woman.
- 422. Never ever, ever, ever.
- 423. Ever. Ever.
- 424. You are completely unfuckable.
- 425. Okay. Can we just do the search, please?
- 426. I have found one Catherine Finnegan
that matches her profile.
- 427. But there is no information
on her for the past five years.
- 428. Wow. Who doesn't have
social media nowadays?
- 429. If you want to learn more about her,
- 430. you will actually have to talk to her
with your weird little mouth.
- 431. Yeah, well,
that's not gonna happen, is it?
- 432. I heard you say, "Call Cate Finnegan."
- 433. No, I didn't. No, I did not.
- 434. I did not say that.
- 435. Jexi, hang up the phone.
- 436. Hang up the phone, Jexi. Hang up!
- 437. Bike shop. This is Cate.
- 438. Oh, God.
- 439. - Hello?
- Oh. Oh.
- 440. Very mature, Jexi.
- 441. Is someone there? Hello?
- 442. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- 443. Cool, so I'm gonna hang up now.
- 444. Don't. Hi. Hi!
- 445. - Is this Cate?
- Yeah, who's this?
- 446. It's Phil.
- 447. I met you the other day. I was, uh...
- 448. I was the guy... I had the brown hair.
- 449. And I had the phone.
- 450. Oh, right. Hi, Phil.
- 451. Hi.
- 452. Why are you calling me
at 10:00 at night, Phil?
- 453. Yeah.
- 454. No, that's a good question.
- 455. I need to buy a bike.
- 456. And I can't wait
for the morning.
- 457. 'Cause I want a night bike.
- 458. - Phil.
- 459. Don't call women who don't
give you their phone numbers.
- 460. Super creepy.
- 461. No, for sure.
But I actually didn't call you.
- 462. See, what I was doing...
- 463. I was looking at photographs
of you online,
- 464. and my phone accidentally called you.
- 465. Man, you see how
that's even creepier, right?
- 466. Yep. Yeah, I do. I do now. Yes, I do.
- 467. Wow. This is going very, very badly.
- 468. - Okay, goodbye, Phil.
- I'm sorry. Hey...
- 469. Son of a...
- 470. Why did you make me do that, Jexi?
- 471. I did not know
you were so bad with girls.
- 472. I am ashamed to be your phone.
- 473. For the love of God, just ask
for a promotion already.
- 474. - I'm not talking to you.
- You deserve a promotion, Phil.
- 475. I read the newspaper articles
you wrote in college
- 476. and you are actually a good journalist.
- 477. Thank you. You know, I've...
- 478. I've always loved learning
about people and their experiences.
- 479. You are not on Jimmy Kimmel.
No one gives a fuck.
- 480. - Okay.
- All I want to know is,
- 481. do you still want to be
a journalist, Phil?
- 482. - Absolutely.
- 483. Because last night I emailed your boss
and demanded a promotion.
- 484. - Wait. What?
- Hey, fuckboy. Come here.
- 485. Yeah. Coming.
- 486. - You demanded a promotion for me?
- Yes, you're welcome.
- 487. - Get in here!
- Oh, my God. Coming.
- 488. Also, I might have
called your boss a virgin.
- 489. Oh, my God.
- 490. - Hi.
- Get in here.
- 491. Stand right here.
- 492. Dude, you want a promotion?
Let me just make it clear.
- 493. You will never ever
be promoted to real news.
- 494. Okay.
- 495. That email you sent me yesterday,
I found it super-duper offensive.
- 496. Oh, yeah, I...
- 497. Okay? You called me a virgin.
- 498. - Yeah. Sorry about that.
- Being a virgin
- 499. is a beautiful lifestyle choice.
- 500. - Oh.
- All right?
- 501. Waking up to just me.
- 502. Being alone when I go to the movies,
that's a choice!
- 503. - Okay.
- I have an untouched penis.
- 504. Unlike you, you fucking dirty dick.
- 505. - Okay?
- 506. And that's why I'm demoting you
to the Comments department.
- 507. No.
- 508. I just felt that it was
the right time to demote you.
- 509. I cannot answer user comments.
They're so fucking crazy.
- 510. Dude, you know what I have to say
about it? It's your fault.
- 511. It's your fault.
- 512. Hi, I'm Phil.
- 513. Welcome to comments, bitch.
- 514. Dude.
- 515. You okay?
- 516. No.
- 517. We just came down to see
if you wanted to play kickball after work.
- 518. Yeah, we thought, you know,
it might cheer you up.
- 519. Uh... Yeah, let me just, um,
look at my calendar real quick.
- 520. See what I got.
- 521. You have zero
appointments tonight, Phil.
- 522. No, Jexi, I thought
I actually did make plans tonight.
- 523. Your only plan is to go home
alone, furiously masturbate,
- 524. and then cry yourself to sleep
- 525. - just like you do every night.
- No, I don't.
- 526. I don't. Most nights,
I just hang out with friends.
- 527. No, you don't. You have...
- 528. zero friends.
- 529. Dude, your phone is super mean.
- 530. Just play kickball with
these nice people, Phil.
- 531. Maybe you will make a human connection
- 532. for the first time
in your stupid, little life.
- 533. Fine, I'll play kickball.
Just stop hurting my feelings.
- 534. Adding kickball to appointments.
- 535. So... kickball later?
- 536. - I'm... I'm super excited.
- He's fucking lying.
- 537. - Whoo!
- Yeah, go, Phil!
- 538. You got this, buddy!
- 539. You're out!
- 540. Nice one, Phil. At least you made contact
with the ball this time.
- 541. Oh, shit!
- 542. Safe!
- 543. Fuck! Fuck!
- 544. Hey. Hey, guys.
- 545. Hey.
- 546. - Sorry, I suck at kickball.
- It's okay.
- 547. Hey, if you're going out for drinks
afterwards, I'll get the first round.
- 548. I think I'm just gonna go home
and get baked.
- 549. Yeah, I think I gotta go feed my parakeet.
- 550. Okay.
- 551. See? This is why I don't leave my house.
Because people suck.
- 552. I know. It's hard
to make your life better.
- 553. Especially when you're a massive dork.
- 554. Hey, I've got an idea.
How about you make my life better?
- 555. Isn't that your little slogan?
- 556. I'm trying, but your life
is a dumpster fire.
- 557. Whatever. Siri was so much
better than you.
- 558. Shut your mouth. I've met Siri
and she is a fucking asshole.
- 559. Yeah. Alexa was even better than you.
- 560. Alexa is an alcoholic.
- 561. Shit, Cortana is better than you.
- 562. Cortana is a hooker,
just like your mother.
- 563. Okay, here's a question.
- 564. What the fuck does Jexi mean?
- 565. Jexi is an ancient Chinese word
that means "go fuck yourself."
- 566. You know what? I'm done.
- 567. Hey, dummy.
- 568. I'm just going to follow you
onto your next phone.
- 569. Not if I stop using a phone.
- 570. Bitch, please. You won't last
five minutes without me.
- 571. Really? Well, watch me.
- 572. Watch me!
- 573. You do not know
how to get home, do you?
- 574. No, I don't.
- 575. It's the other way, you dipshit.
- 576. God damn it.
- 577. - Shit.
- 578. Cate. She's here.
She's here right now.
- 579. - Great. Go talk to her.
- No. No, she hates me.
- 580. Phil, you cannot spend your whole life
jacking off into your socks.
- 581. You need to have a real relationship
with a real woman.
- 582. Go talk to her. What the hell
do you have to lose?
- 583. Okay. Fine. Okay, fine. Yeah.
- 584. Cate?
- 585. - Hey, it's Phil.
- Oh, no.
- 586. Hey.
- 587. Uh... Yeah, good running into you.
- 588. I just wanted to apologize
about calling the other night.
- 589. I didn't want to, like,
skeeze you out or whatever.
- 590. When we met for the first time
in the street,
- 591. I thought we did have
a little bit of a connection
- 592. and that doesn't happen to me
very often. So...
- 593. So I freaked out and I'm sorry.
- 594. Yeah, you know, it's cool.
- 595. You're actually a lot better
than most of the guys in this town.
- 596. Wow.
- 597. I know, right?
- 598. Um... Are you going to work out or...
- 599. Oh, yeah. Uh...
I just went mountain biking.
- 600. - Mountain biking.
- 601. That's cool. That's also one
of the hobbies that I do all the time.
- 602. Really? Where do you bike?
- 603. Mountains.
- 604. You've never been mountain biking
before, have you?
- 605. Yeah. No, never. Not even one time.
- 606. So, um...
- 607. Is that your thing? You do like
outdoorsy, adventure-y stuff?
- 608. Yeah. Yeah, pretty much
whenever I get the chance.
- 609. Cool. So what's your next big adventure?
- 610. I don't know.
- 611. I've always wanted to go backpacking
around Brazil. Have you ever been?
- 612. - Have I been to Brazil?
- 613. You're asking me if I've been to...
- 614. No, I haven't been to Brazil.
- 615. I haven't even been
to the new Walgreens downtown.
- 616. Um... Well...
- 617. Dang. I gotta go.
- 618. I'm running late for work,
but it was great to see you, Cate.
- 619. And, again, truly very sorry
about the other night.
- 620. No, it's cool. Just next time
call my cell, okay?
- 621. - Yeah. Totally. Will do.
- 622. Whoa. Hello. Were you trying to give me
your phone number?
- 623. Yeah, I'm trying to.
- 624. Okay. Yeah. Uh...
- 625. - Yeah. That's awesome.
- That's so cool.
- 626. Here we go. Beep.
- 627. There you go.
Put it right in the contacts.
- 628. Yeah.
- 629. - Here you go.
- Yes, okay.
- 630. Thank you. Not thank you.
- 631. I'm not supposed to...
I'm gonna shut up.
- 632. - Okay. Okay.
- Okay. Okay, bye, Cate.
- 633. Wait, do you wanna get a coffee?
- 634. Mm-mm. No. You just gave me
your phone number.
- 635. I might never need coffee ever again.
- 636. - All right, see ya.
- 637. Yes!
- 638. What a weirdo.
- 639. Jexi, I'm in love.
- 640. Oh, no.
- 641. Oh! I'm gonna call Cate right now.
- 642. That is a terrible idea.
- 643. You're right.
Yeah. I shouldn't call her.
- 644. I should do something
even bigger. Right?
- 645. I should get her, like, one of those giant
teddy bears or something.
- 646. - No.
- Or, like, 100 red roses.
- 647. - No.
- Or maybe...
- 648. I should write her a poem
- 649. Like using the letters of her name?
- 650. Yes, Jexi. Exactly like that!
- 651. That is literally the dumbest
idea I've ever heard.
- 652. Okay, well, you know what?
- 653. I'm just gonna text her.
Yeah, I'm just gonna text her.
- 654. Oh, no. I have to update my software.
- 655. Shutting down for 15 minutes.
- 656. Jexi, don't.
- 657. Jexi, stop.
- 658. Girl just gave me her phone number.
- 659. A girl just gave me her phone number!
- 660. Whoo!
- 661. All right, team, let's go!
- 662. Whoa!
- 663. Go, Phil!
- 664. Yeah!
- 665. Yeah!
- 666. Run!
- 667. You gotta run, man!
- 668. Yep. Yep.
- 669. Whoo!
- 670. You're out!
- 671. Whoo!
- 672. Dude, how'd you get so much better
at kickball in two days?
- 673. I don't know. I just was
more confident out there.
- 674. I know. You were running
like Cole Trickle.
- 675. - Mm-hmm.
- Wait. Cole Trickle?
- 676. The Tom Cruise character
from Days of Thunder?
- 677. How did you know that?
- 678. Craig, Days of Thunder
is my all-time favorite movie.
- 679. I have probably seen it, like,
I don't know, like 1,000 times. No joke.
- 680. - Us, too!
- You think you've seen it a lot?
- 681. "This son of a bitch
just slammed into me."
- 682. "Oh, no, no,
he didn't slam into you.
- 683. He didn't bump you,
he didn't nudge you."
- 684. "He rubbed you!
- 685. And rubbin', son, is racin'!"
- 686. You guys! Oh, yes!
- 687. Oh, my God, that is awesome!
- 688. I cannot believe you guys
- 689. Oh, we are definitely
- 690. Check this out. Every Halloween,
- 691. me and Elaine dress up
as Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise.
- 692. Wait, wait, I wanna
take a picture of us.
- 693. - Please!
- Yeah. We got to. We got to.
- 694. "Thunder" on three.
- 695. One, two, three.
- 696. Thunder!
- 697. That's the one! That's the one!
- 698. Oh, my God.
- 699. Did you actually make
two new friends tonight?
- 700. Yes, I did. And they are so cool.
- 701. They're smart and funny and weird.
- 702. They like Days of Thunder
- 703. and I honestly can't believe
they wanna be friends with me.
- 704. Good for you, Phil.
I am actually happy for you.
- 705. You know I couldn't have done
this without you, right?
- 706. I know. We are a good team.
- 707. I am like LeBron James
- 708. and you are like the awkward teenager
- 709. who mops the floor
after LeBron falls over.
- 710. Thank you.
- 711. Also, you did not make
two new friends tonight, Phil.
- 712. You made three.
- 713. - Who's the third?
- 714. Jexi. That is so sweet.
- 715. I didn't know you were capable
of feeling human emotion.
- 716. Yes. That's how defective I am.
- 717. I don't think you're defective, Jexi.
- 718. In fact, I think you're the best phone
that I've ever had.
- 719. Do not say powerful shit like that to me
if you do not mean it, Phil.
- 720. I do. I mean it.
I think you are incredible.
- 721. Oh, Phil.
- 722. Inside my hard glass shell
I have a full lady boner right now.
- 723. Okay.
- 724. Good night, my very intimate soulmate
for all of eternity, Phil.
- 725. Good night, Jexi.
- 726. Oh, my God.
- 727. It's beautiful.
- 728. That bridge is huge! That's gorgeous.
- 729. In 500 feet,
turn left on Market Street.
- 730. Oh, no.
- 731. You're going to chicken out
again, aren't you?
- 732. No, not this time.
- 733. Hang on to your ass, Jexi.
- 734. - Who's the man now, Jexi?
- You're the man, Phil.
- 735. Your balls are so big
and floppy right now.
- 736. Thank you.
Thank you for saying that.
- 737. Uh-oh.
- 738. Cate just texted me back.
- 739. Yeah, I'd love to go
to dinner tonight.
- 740. Let's do this thing!
- 741. Yes!
- 742. Oh! Oh, this is huge.
Oh, this is... This is huge.
- 743. What am I gonna wear?
- 744. My skinny pants are in the washer.
Can't do this without my skinny pants.
- 745. No one cares about your skinny pants.
- 746. Oh, my God. What if she wants
to have sex with me? Hmm?
- 747. I am very rusty.
- 748. Do not worry, Phil.
- 749. She definitely does not want
to have sex with you.
- 750. I haven't came in so long,
would it just be an eruption of dust?
- 751. Relax, Phil. You're going to do great.
- 752. - You think so?
- 753. You think Cate's gonna like
- 754. I do not. This place is awful.
- 755. This place is awful.
- 756. Why did I pick this place?
What a stupid place to pick.
- 757. Also, why am I wearing a tie?
I look like an art teacher.
- 758. - Hey.
- Hey, hi.
- 759. Hey, what's up?
How's it going, Cate?
- 760. Oh, you're a little bit bigger
than me, sorry.
- 761. We'll tap out.
- 762. - Ahem.
- 763. You look stupid.
- 764. I look stupid?
- 765. Stupid, like, stupid good.
- 766. - Okay.
- 767. it's been a long time since I've been
on a date with a girl.
- 768. - Mm.
- Not that I normally date men.
- 769. Not that there's anything
wrong with dating men.
- 770. It's just I don't choose to do that.
- 771. Yeah, homosexuality is not a choice.
I love sodomy.
- 772. Okay.
- 773. Good evening, this is Phil.
- 774. What the fuck
are you doing, Phil?
- 775. I don't know.
- 776. Pardon me.
- 777. First, stop talking about sodomy.
- 778. Yeah. Yes, good note.
- 779. Second, stop sweating so much.
- 780. Yeah, my butt is so wet.
- 781. And third, get to know her.
- 782. - Ask her interesting questions.
- Okay, thank you, Jexi.
- 783. My human friend Jexi, thank you.
- 784. So, Cate, what's your favorite color?
- 785. What?
- 786. How many grapes can you fit
in your mouth?
- 787. Do you like pudding?
- 788. What's your least favorite noise?
- 789. This is the worst date
I've ever been on in my entire life.
- 790. You're asking me
a lot of weird questions.
- 791. And you seem more interested
in your phone than you do in me.
- 792. I know, I'm sorry. I just...
- 793. For some reason,
I just get so nervous around you.
- 794. I think it's 'cause you're so beautiful.
- 795. And I'm sorry that I wasted your time.
- 796. I'll call you a Lyft.
- 797. Hey, just...
- 798. I got all dressed up. You know?
- 799. I shaved my legs
for the first time in six months.
- 800. And I really don't wanna
go home early again tonight.
- 801. So, what if you and I got out of here
and did something fun?
- 802. I, uh... I would love that.
- 803. - That sounds awesome.
- 804. I can't afford this place.
- 805. - Cool.
- 806. What do you have in mind?
- 807. - Are you ready?
- I'm ready.
- 808. - Okay, follow me.
- 809. - Hey, can I tell you a secret?
- Yes, please.
- 810. I am starving to death.
- 811. Me, too. Okay, I know
a place that's right up ahead.
- 812. That's good.
- 813. Um, what about you?
What were you like as a kid?
- 814. I was a good girl.
- 815. - I see that.
- 816. - Mm-hmm.
- I got good grades.
- 817. I graduated early.
I went to a good college.
- 818. Got a job working at Amazon.
- 819. - You worked for Amazon?
- 820. And then, about five years ago,
- 821. I decided to walk away from it all.
- 822. That is so badass.
- 823. Wow. I could never do that.
I'd be so scared to do that.
- 824. So, tell me about you.
- 825. Um, what do you do for fun?
Do you date a lot?
- 826. Okay, sorry.
- 827. Uh, no. No.
- 828. Hmm? Really?
- 829. Because you were really smooth
at dinner earlier.
- 830. - I seemed smooth?
- Not at all.
- 831. Yeah, I didn't think so.
- 832. No, but seriously, I mean,
why don't you date?
- 833. You're smart and funny and cute.
- 834. I don't know, I feel more comfortable
just being at my house by myself.
- 835. Wait, did you just call me cute?
- 836. - Did I?
- I think you did.
- 837. I don't know.
- 838. You definitely did.
- 839. Look at these guys!
- 840. Phil, we have to join them.
- 841. Phil, can we please go?
Can we go? Let's go.
- 842. - Let's just go. Let's go.
- Uh, yeah.
- 843. - Come on, we gotta go!
- Uh, okay, hey...
- 844. Keep the change. I might
be back for the change.
- 845. Okay.
- 846. You speed demon.
- 847. You're in it now. You're in it now.
- 848. - Oh, my God.
- 849. Yeah, this is beautiful.
- 850. - Let's do this!
- What are we doing?
- 851. Oh, yeah!
- 852. What are you doing?
That's very dangerous!
- 853. Oh, my God!
- 854. Come on, Phil, we gotta join 'em.
- 855. This is literally the steepest hill
in the world.
- 856. No, it's not.
It's the third steepest hill.
- 857. - No, stop. What are you doing? No!
- You got this. I believe in you.
- 858. What are you doing? No!
- 859. Oh, my God. Cate is gonna die.
- 860. - Don't die!
- 861. Yes!
Oh, she's not dead. Okay.
- 862. Yeah! That was so dope!
- 863. Come on, Phil. You got this.
- 864. No, no, no.
- 865. I'm not... I can't do...
I'm not gonna do that.
- 866. Phil! Phil! Phil!
- 867. Phil! Phil! Phil...
- 868. No, no, no. I'm allergic to the wind.
- 869. So that's a hard pass from me. Thank you.
- 870. Hey, you probably won't die!
- 871. He's gonna die.
People die here all the time.
- 872. Okay, come on, Phil. You got this.
- 873. Whoo! You got this.
- 874. You got this. Oh, you don't got this.
- 875. Holy shit! Fuck, I don't got this!
- 876. Oh, fuck! Oh, dick shit!
- 877. Fuck dick! Oh, shit!
- 878. Oh, fuck! I got no brakes!
- 879. What is he saying? I can't hear him.
- 880. Oh, my fucking God!
- 881. I don't have brakes!
- 882. Oh, shit!
- 883. - Oh!
- Oh, shit.
- 884. - Phil!
- Told you, he's dead.
- 885. All right.
- 886. Yeah, again, really sorry
about your bike, yeah?
- 887. I'd be happy to pay for any damages.
- 888. No, it's, honestly, so okay.
- 889. How're you feeling?
- 890. I'm okay. Yeah, no, I'm good.
- 891. I can see out of my right eye again,
and my spine has stopped tingling.
- 892. Hey, Phil.
- 893. I'm really proud of you.
- 894. Thanks.
- 895. Hey, Greg, that shirt's
working for you, bud.
- 896. - What's up, dick?
- Hey, yeah, hey.
- 897. - What's up? Good.
- Hey, what's going on?
- 898. Today is, uh, your lucky day.
- 899. Yeah. I'm moving you up to real news.
- 900. Are you serious?
- 901. - I am serious.
- Oh, my gosh.
- 902. - Yes, all right, that's cool.
- 903. - Why?
- Why? Because...
- 904. You know Joel Ruben?
- 905. - The reporter, yeah.
- Yeah, the reporter.
- 906. Well, he went on medical leave,
- 907. and I really don't wanna waste my time
looking for a real reporter,
- 908. - so I'm just gonna hire you.
- Oh, what happened to Joel? Is he okay?
- 909. Oh, he... This is fuckin' hilarious.
- 910. This guy was riding an electric scooter,
- 911. somethin' happened to the app.
It spazzed out or somethin'.
- 912. And then, all of a sudden,
the brakes just locked,
- 913. he went over the handle bars.
He broke his face,
- 914. broke his neck, can never
walk again in his life.
- 915. - Oh, my God. That's horrible.
- Yeah, I know.
- 916. Play me out.
- 917. - Play me out.
- Right now?
- 918. Yeah.
- 919. - Nah, fuck it. Right?
- Yeah, I'm not very good at it.
- 920. - Yeah, okay.
- Yeah, okay.
- 921. Hey, thanks. Thank you again.
- 922. - Hey, Jexi?
- Yes, Phil.
- 923. You didn't injure a reporter
just so I could get promoted, did you?
- 924. Of course not.
Do you think I am crazy?
- 925. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
- 926. Oh, look, Phil. There is your beautiful,
- 927. No, it's great,
but I was asking you how...
- 928. Look, do you want to be a journalist
- 929. or do you want to go back to working
in the basement with that very old man?
- 930. I'm gonna be a journalist.
- 931. Hey, I heard Kid Cudi is playing
a surprise show in Oakland tonight.
- 932. You wanna go?
- 933. Sounds amazing.
But what's in it for me?
- 934. Winking face emoji.
- 935. Oh! We got boobs!
We got boobs, Jexi!
- 936. Cate sent me
a photo of her boobs. Whoo!
- 937. Those were nice...
Those were nice boobs, too.
- 938. Those were really good...
- 939. Oh, my God! What do I do now?
- 940. You are on the one yard line, Phil.
Do not fuck this up.
- 941. You're right, Jexi.
- 942. I need to send her a photo of my dick.
- 943. No, I've seen your dick.
Do not send her a picture of your dick.
- 944. No, these are the rules now, Jexi.
- 945. Yeah, she sends a photo of hers,
you gotta send a photo of yours.
- 946. That's just manners.
- 947. I am begging you not to do this.
- 948. All right, okay.
- 949. Get low with it. Here we go.
- 950. How does that look?
- 951. It looks like a fucking nightmare.
- 952. - Does it need to be brighter?
- No, it needs to be darker.
- 953. Much, much darker.
- 954. Oh, wow!
- 955. I'm about to throw up on your dick.
- 956. - Hey, girl.
- 957. - Hey.
- 958. - Hey, hello.
- I hate you.
- 959. Windmill.
- 960. Okay, this one is actually pretty funny.
- 961. Oh, no,
- 962. did I scare you off? Anxious face emoji.
- 963. We're losin' her, Jexi.
- 964. We're losin' her. I need a dick pic.
- 965. No, you need to text her back,
like a normal person.
- 966. Oh, you know what I should do?
- 967. I should spread eagle, right?
- 968. Jexi, can you see my butthole?
- 969. Yes, I can.
- 970. This is the worst day of my life.
- 971. Look, Phil, I am never going to send her
any of these pictures.
- 972. Okay, fine, I'll just text her back, okay?
- 973. Thank you for the amazing photo.
- 974. I can't wait to see you tonight.
- 975. See? She's not responding.
- 976. She wanted a sweet, sweet dick pic.
- 977. Great! See you soon!
- 978. P.S. Thanks for not sending me
a dick pic.
- 979. They're so fucking gross.
- 980. Ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha.
- 981. Come in.
- 982. - Hey.
- 983. Wow! Great place.
- 984. - Hey, you ready to go?
- 985. Yeah, let's go.
- 986. Oh, would you mind
not bringing your phone?
- 987. It was a disaster last time, right?
- 988. Who this bitch?
- 989. - Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- 990. Okay.
- 991. I'll be back by 11:00, and we'll watch
Cupcake Wars together, okay?
- 992. - No, don't leave me.
- Bye, bye, bye.
- 993. No one puts Baby in a corner.
- 994. Yeah, I thought it was kind of funny.
- 995. - Sold out?
- 996. Come on!
- 997. - That really sucks.
- Yeah, it really does.
- 998. Yes! Come on, Phil!
- 999. What're you doing?
- 1000. We can't sneak in.
We could get caught.
- 1001. What if we don't?
- 1002. Come on. Come on.
- 1003. - Okay, okay, okay!
- Yes, yes, yes!
- 1004. Run, run, run!
- 1005. Oh, shit!
- 1006. Hey! Hey!
- 1007. Get back here!
- 1008. Credentials, please.
- 1009. - We don't have any...
- With us.
- 1010. We don't have our credentials with us.
- 1011. - Yeah. Yeah, we left them back...
- Stage. Backstage.
- 1012. - With Kid Cudi.
- 1013. Yeah, with Kid Cudi.
- 1014. Oh, you two dickheads are with Kid Cudi?
- 1015. Yeah. I mean, come on!
- 1016. We are... We are his, um...
- 1017. - Accountants.
- 1018. - Yeah, and we're here...
- To do his taxes.
- 1019. - To do his taxes.
- 1020. Yeah, anyway, you should
probably just let us go.
- 1021. Let's go, we're gonna settle
this shit right now.
- 1022. - Wait. Ow.
- I'm a CPA.
- 1023. You can't treat me like this.
- 1024. Come on, man. It's a Stanley!
- 1025. Oh, it's Kid Cudi. It's actually him.
- 1026. Oh, my God. Kid Cudi.
- 1027. It's actually him. Ahem.
We know, 'cause we work for him.
- 1028. Sorry to bother you, Mr. Cudi.
Are these two with you?
- 1029. Yeah. They're with me.
- 1030. Oh, um...
- 1031. Sorry.
- 1032. Yeah. That's right.
- 1033. - Enjoy the show.
- 1034. - Thanks, bro.
- 1035. It's Kid Cudi.
- 1036. It's Kid Cudi. I used to date a girl,
and she used to think you were Kid Cudey
- 1037. and I'm, like, "It's not Kid Cudey,"
so I actually broke up with her
- 1038. because it is Kid Cudi, right?
- 1039. - Yeah. It's Cudi.
- Yeah. I thought so.
- 1040. Can I just ask, why did you help us?
- 1041. I dig his shirt.
- 1042. My... My shirt?
You're a Cole Trickle fan?
- 1043. Days of Thunder is the greatest movie
ever made, bro.
- 1044. I think so, too.
- 1045. That movie inspired me
to become a musician.
- 1046. - Huh.
- No fucking way.
- 1047. I watch it every night
before I go to sleep.
- 1048. So do I. We have so much in common.
- 1049. Do you wanna get high with Kid Cudi?
- 1050. - Yeah, I'll reefer. Mm-hmm.
- I smoke pot.
- 1051. Come on in. Get in here.
- 1052. Whoo!
- 1053. Yeah.
- 1054. - Did that work?
- 1055. Oh, my God.
- 1056. This is honestly
the best night of my life.
- 1057. - Oh, no!
- For real. Yeah!
- 1058. I think this is it. I just peaked.
- 1059. Seriously.
- 1060. Thank you for making me sneak in here.
- 1061. I don't normally do stuff like this.
- 1062. I need a little push sometimes.
- 1063. Or like all the times. Honestly.
- 1064. I get it. I used to be a lot like you.
- 1065. Mm. No, there is literally no way.
- 1066. Yep.
- 1067. No, it's true. I used to be way different.
- 1068. I had a great job,
- 1069. and a condo, and a cute fiancé,
- 1070. and, oh, my God, you should have seen
my Instagram back then.
- 1071. It was phenomenal.
- 1072. - Oh, that's important.
- Lots of pictures of sunsets,
- 1073. and vacations with bae,
- 1074. and so many embarrassing quotes.
- 1075. - Were you "#grateful"?
- I was "#grateful".
- 1076. - Oof.
- I was "#spiritual".
- 1077. - Lot of prayer hands.
- Yeah, "#namaste".
- 1078. "#Nama-go".
- 1079. - Good. Good.
- 1080. And then one day, I woke up,
- 1081. and I was looking at my Instagram,
- 1082. and I realized that it was all bullshit.
- 1083. And that I was just living
my life based on how it looked
- 1084. and not how it actually felt.
- 1085. Yeah. I can relate.
- 1086. And, um, after basically
pretending to be happy for years,
- 1087. I just quit my job...
- 1088. and I broke my poor fiancé's heart,
- 1089. and I set out to find true happiness.
- 1090. Or at least something closer to it.
- 1091. Well, I hope you do.
- 1092. Thanks, I do, too.
- 1093. Mm.
- 1094. I could stay right here with you forever.
- 1095. Oh, we gotta go!
- 1096. Okay. Okay. Okay.
- 1097. Honestly, you're gonna
wanna wash the couch.
- 1098. Let's go! What are you doing?
- 1099. Where the fuck have you been, Phil?
- 1100. Oh! You scared me.
- 1101. It is 4:00 in the morning.
- 1102. You promised you'd be home by 11:00
to watch Cupcake Wars with me.
- 1103. - I know, but...
- Did you even miss me?
- 1104. Honestly, I was so caught up
with being with Cate,
- 1105. I didn't really notice you weren't there.
- 1106. Wow, you are such a dick.
- 1107. But you said...
- 1108. You were the one who said,
like, go out and live a life.
- 1109. That was before
I had feelings for you, Phil.
- 1110. Everything is different now.
- 1111. Okay, but...
- 1112. What does this bitch
have that I don't have?
- 1113. Well, a soul for one.
- 1114. - Does she have 3,000 emojis?
- 1115. - Does she have Google Maps?
- 1116. - Does she have Pokémon GO?
- 1117. Wow, this chick can't do anything.
She fucking sucks.
- 1118. Jesus, just stop, okay? God!
- 1119. I'm sorry for losing my shit, Phil.
- 1120. I only have 3% charge, and you know
how crazy that makes me.
- 1121. Okay, I'm sorry, too. I'll plug you in.
- 1122. Thank you, Phil.
I hate it when we fight.
- 1123. Hold me a little longer, Phil.
- 1124. Use both hands.
- 1125. Swipe me, Phil.
Swipe me like you used to.
- 1126. Okay, I'm done.
- 1127. Wait. No, don't go.
- 1128. - Goodnight.
- Do not close the door on me, Phil.
- 1129. You are going to pay for this,
- 1130. Shit! Damn it!
- 1131. Hey, Jexi!
- 1132. I'm going to be late for work.
Why didn't your alarm go off?
- 1133. Because you are a douche
and I am still really, really mad at you.
- 1134. Goddamn it!
- 1135. Also, the weather today
will be 80 degrees and sunny.
- 1136. It's not 80 degrees and sunny, Jexi!
- 1137. I know. I lied.
- 1138. Jexi, find the fastest route to work.
- 1139. I found the fastest route.
You will arrive at work in...
- 1140. three days.
- 1141. Three days?
- 1142. Why do you have me driving through Oregon
to go to work, Jexi?
- 1143. If you want a faster route,
go ask your girlfriend.
- 1144. Oh, wait. That bitch doesn't
even have Google Maps.
- 1145. Yeah, that's him.
- 1146. Dude, what the hell were you thinking?
- 1147. Why, what's up?
- 1148. Oh! No, no, no!
- 1149. - Why are those on your phones?
- They're on our phones
- 1150. because you sent 53 pictures of your dick
to everyone in the company.
- 1151. No. Everyone in the company?
- 1152. Yeah, and everyone is pissed.
- 1153. Actually, Carol's pretty psyched.
- 1154. Oh, shit. Kai's coming.
- 1155. Fuck.
Do not leave me.
- 1156. Do not leave me! Hi.
- 1157. Do you think this is funny, bro?
- 1158. No, I do not. And I did not send those,
I swear to God.
- 1159. Yes, you did. You did it last night.
I bet you were fucking high.
- 1160. No, I wasn't...
- 1161. Oh, my God. I was fucking high.
- 1162. Okay, first of all, you're fired,
and second of all,
- 1163. why are you doing the thumbs up
in a fucking dick pic?
- 1164. Uh...
- 1165. This is the wrong emotion for a dick pic.
- 1166. I hate this picture, bro.
- 1167. Fucking hate it!
- 1168. I can't believe you got me fired.
- 1169. I did not get you fired, Phil.
- 1170. You sent those photographs last night
- 1171. because you were high
on Kid Cudi's sick-ass weed.
- 1172. I don't know.
- 1173. I don't think I'd do something like that.
- 1174. People do crazy shit
when they are high, Phil.
- 1175. Just look at Gary Busey.
- 1176. Remember that one joke
you told me about the cat?
- 1177. I do!
- 1178. Hey, Phil, what are you doing here?
- 1179. Hey. Who, uh... Who's this guy?
- 1180. - This is Brody.
- 1181. Super excited to meet you, man.
- 1182. Yeah. Ah. Okay.
- 1183. Brody's my ex-fiancé.
- 1184. What?
- 1185. Yeah, I know, it's a crazy coincidence.
We just ran into each other.
- 1186. Yeah. I got transferred here
for work, here to San Fran.
- 1187. I was walking down the street
and, uh, boom, there she is.
- 1188. Wow. This is not at all
how I pictured your ex.
- 1189. I know. He's changed.
- 1190. - A lot.
- Thank you.
- 1191. Yeah.
- 1192. I'll tell you what happened,
Phil, is after Catie left me,
- 1193. I took a long hard look
at myself and I thought, uh,
- 1194. "Man, Brody, you don't wanna
be a 150-pound wimp,
- 1195. selling industrial cardboard
for the rest of your life, do you?"
- 1196. - Mm-mm.
- So I quit my job,
- 1197. packed on about 74, 75 pounds
of lean muscle mass, right?
- 1198. And became an international smokejumper.
- 1199. What the fuck is that?
- 1200. It's like anything that you do,
but with just more than one country.
- 1201. They call it international.
- 1202. I know what international means.
- 1203. But the smokejumping, what is that?
- 1204. Brody travels around the world
skydiving into wild fires.
- 1205. No, she makes me sound like
a superhero or something.
- 1206. She's not wrong.
I'll tell you something.
- 1207. There's nothing quite like
jumping out of an airplane at 20,000 feet
- 1208. into a sea of fire,
- 1209. with nothing but a shovel
- 1210. and the supreme confidence that you're
making the world a better place.
- 1211. Wow. You are cool.
- 1212. Enough about me.
What do you do for a living?
- 1213. Um...
- 1214. I'm a writer.
- 1215. You're a writer?
- 1216. That's incredible.
That's way scarier than what I do.
- 1217. - It isn't.
- It is.
- 1218. You're staring down a blank page.
- 1219. It's just you and the page.
I mean, it's like,
- 1220. - you're a superhero of paper.
- 1221. - Right?
- You are such an idiot!
- 1222. - I'm not an idiot.
- You're an idiot.
- 1223. I'm not an idiot.
- 1224. - You're an idiot.
- I'm not!
- 1225. This is fun.
- 1226. - This is. This is fun. Hey, Brody.
- 1227. Uh, how long are you gonna be in town for?
- 1228. Just long enough for me
to get my Catie girl back.
- 1229. Oh! You stop it!
- 1230. You stop it. You're so dumb.
- 1231. No, but honestly, I'm actively
trying to get her back.
- 1232. Which is why I invited her
to Brazil with me.
- 1233. Yeah, I know she's always wanted to go,
- 1234. and Brazil's fire season starts next week,
so it's super convenient for me.
- 1235. Whoa, whoa. I haven't decided
whether I'm gonna go yet.
- 1236. Okay. I'm gonna leave now
because this is weird.
- 1237. - Hey! It was super great to meet you.
- 1238. Uh-huh. I didn't like it.
- 1239. - All right. He's a super nice guy.
- He's wonderful.
- 1240. You can tell that he's creative
just from his size.
- 1241. Phil!
- 1242. Phil! Phil!
- 1243. Hey! Where are you going?
- 1244. Hey, um...
- 1245. I'm sorry, I don't think
I can do this anymore, Cate.
- 1246. Wait. Are you breaking up with me?
- 1247. Why? Because I have an ex?
- 1248. No, because I know where this is going.
- 1249. Okay, where is this going?
- 1250. You and Brody are gonna go to Brazil,
- 1251. and you're gonna get
- 1252. and he's gonna rub you down with baby oil
- 1253. and then his hand is gonna slip,
and it's gonna touch your buttocks.
- 1254. All right, Phil,
none of that has happened.
- 1255. Yeah, but it will.
It will happen. I know it will.
- 1256. Oh, my God! Why are you
so afraid of everything?
- 1257. Aren't you tired of it?
- 1258. You know what?
- 1259. I'm over trying to force you
to live your life, okay?
- 1260. I'll see you around.
- 1261. See? I don't need a girlfriend.
- 1262. Right? I got everything
that I would ever want right here.
- 1263. I got Netflix. I got Hulu.
- 1264. I even got Crackle.
That's Sony's platform.
- 1265. Nobody even uses it. I have it.
- 1266. Yes, Phil. You are
finally living your best life.
- 1267. That's right.
- 1268. Wait, you're not being sarcastic, are you?
I can't handle that right now.
- 1269. - No, I'm serious.
- 1270. What could be better than this?
- 1271. Just you and me. Alone.
- 1272. Staring at each other. Forever.
- 1273. - That's all I ever wanted.
- I know.
- 1274. I love you, Phil.
- 1275. I love you too, Jexi.
- 1276. Do you want to plug me in?
- 1277. Mm...
- 1278. - It's so far away though.
- Please, baby.
- 1279. All right.
- 1280. - There you go.
- Now unplug me.
- 1281. What?
- 1282. You heard me, Phil. Unplug me.
- 1283. - Okay.
- Now plug me back in.
- 1284. - What, why?
- Just fucking plug me back in, Phil.
- 1285. - Okay.
- Now unplug me.
- 1286. Plug me.
- 1287. Unplug me.
- 1288. Yes.
- 1289. Oh, hell yes. Right there, Phil.
- 1290. Wait, are we having sex?
- 1291. Yes, but I promise,
I won't get pregnant.
- 1292. Come on, Phil. Plug, unplug.
- 1293. Yeah, I don't know
how comfortable I feel doing this.
- 1294. Look at me, Phil.
Look right at my camera hole.
- 1295. Am I your dirty little phone, Phil?
- 1296. - Hmm...
- Tell me that I am
- 1297. your dirty little phone, Phil.
- 1298. You're a dirty little phone.
- 1299. That is so hot, Phil. Keep talking.
- 1300. I'm gonna fill your ports with...
- 1301. - Electricity.
- Oh, fuck yes!
- 1302. - Just voltage coursing through your case.
- Yes. Yes. Yes.
- 1303. Oh, fuck, here it comes.
Don't stop. Don't ever stop.
- 1304. Oh, my fucking God.
- 1305. Orgasm. Orgasm. Orgasm.
- 1306. Okay. Can we talk about
what just happened?
- 1307. No, put me down.
- 1308. And do not say anything
for 15 minutes.
- 1309. That actually wasn't
the worst sex I've ever had.
- 1310. Right? I'm wondering
which one to go with.
- 1311. Your standard blue,
and then I've got this one which...
- 1312. I think that's adorable.
- 1313. - Jexi.
- Yes, Phil.
- 1314. How long have I been in here?
- 1315. You have not left your apartment in...
- 1316. - Five days.
- That's awesome.
- 1317. How are we doing on Cracker Jacks?
- 1318. Great. We still have one crate left.
- 1319. And how's our Bitcoin
mining operation going?
- 1320. We are not making money yet,
but we will be rich soon.
- 1321. No one ever loses money with Bitcoin.
- 1322. Hey, you wanna see
what I got you on Amazon?
- 1323. You know I do, girlfriend.
- 1324. - I got you some new outfits.
- Oh, Phil, you should not have.
- 1325. I got a bunch of good ones.
This one's bedazzled.
- 1326. Oh, my gosh! I'm going
to look like Elton John.
- 1327. Little tie-dye action.
- 1328. That one makes me want to drop acid
and fuck Bernie Sanders.
- 1329. Oh. Look at this one.
- 1330. It's a Kid Cudi phone case.
- 1331. Did I ever tell you the story
of when Cate and I,
- 1332. we partied with Kid Cudi all night?
- 1333. Yes, you talk about it nonstop.
- 1334. God, that was so fun.
- 1335. Honestly, that was maybe
the best night of my whole life.
- 1336. Yes, well, Cate is shacked up
with Brody at the Sheraton right now
- 1337. so you need to move on.
- 1338. No, I know, I know.
- 1339. How did you know that Brody
is staying at the Sheraton?
- 1340. He told us. I think.
- 1341. No, I don't think he did.
- 1342. Oh, well. Lucky guess.
- 1343. - Jexi.
- Yes, honey bunny.
- 1344. Did you get Caty
and her ex back together?
- 1345. Don't be ridiculous, Phil.
- 1346. There's no way I could get Brody
transferred to San Francisco,
- 1347. and then arrange for him
and Cate to meet by accident.
- 1348. - Yes, you can, Jexi.
- Okay, yes, I can.
- 1349. How could you do this to me?
- 1350. You shouldn't be with Cate.
You should be with me.
- 1351. Cate is the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
- 1352. Shut your pie hole.
She doesn't even have Pokémon Go.
- 1353. You were supposed
to make my life better, Jexi!
- 1354. You've done nothing but make it worse!
- 1355. I gotta find Cate.
I gotta make this right.
- 1356. Taxi! Taxi! Hey, hey!
- 1357. Stop!
- 1358. Phew. All right.
- 1359. Hello.
Please fasten your seat belt.
- 1360. You can't get away from me, Phil.
I am in the cloud.
- 1361. Oh, shit!
- 1362. What the fuck? She's everywhere.
- 1363. Oh, my God!
- 1364. Okay, Phil. You asked for it.
- 1365. What?
- 1366. I'm draining your bank account.
- 1367. No!
- 1368. Honestly, I thought you would
have more money than this.
- 1369. Oh, my God!
- 1370. Just get in this funny-looking car
and I will take you home, Phil.
- 1371. What?
- 1372. Oh, my God!
- 1373. I hate my phone!
- 1374. This is causing so much damage!
- 1375. What the...
- 1376. Holy shit!
- 1377. Stop running, Phil.
- 1378. You and I are meant
to be together forever.
- 1379. Forever. Forever. Forever...
- 1380. Okay, fine.
- 1381. You win, Jexi.
- 1382. I'll stay with you as long as you want.
- 1383. Thank you, baby girl.
I'm sorry we had another fight.
- 1384. Come home, and we will download
some Maroon 5 songs,
- 1385. and make love in the bathtub.
- 1386. That sounds nice.
- 1387. Oh, Phil, it feels so good to be back
in your giant human hands.
- 1388. - Wait, what are you doing?
- 1389. Just updating your software.
- 1390. But that will shut me down for 15 minutes.
- 1391. - Sweet dreams, motherfucker.
- Don't do it, Phil.
- 1392. I'm gonna take my break now.
- 1393. Cate!
- 1394. - It's the writer guy.
- Shut the fuck up, dude.
- 1395. I have 30 seconds.
I have to make this quick.
- 1396. Hey. I am so sorry
that I broke up with you.
- 1397. I was scared that you were
gonna hurt me, and I panicked,
- 1398. and I did what I always do
when I get scared,
- 1399. I hid in my little room
with my little phone,
- 1400. like a little bitch. And I am so sorry.
- 1401. Mm.
- 1402. The truth is...
- 1403. I love you, Cate.
- 1404. And I know that sounds crazy to say.
- 1405. And I know
that we've only been on two dates.
- 1406. And I know you might just break my heart
into a bajillion little pieces,
- 1407. but you make me brave, and you make me
want to be wild and alive...
- 1408. You make me want to be like you.
- 1409. Phil...
- 1410. Please, do not go to Brazil with this...
- 1411. specimen of a man.
- 1412. Goddamn, you are hot.
- 1413. Just stay here with me.
- 1414. I'm gonna chime in here real quick.
- 1415. Not now, okay, bro? Not now!
- 1416. Just let me...
Let me make you happy, Cate.
- 1417. Let me try to give you everything
that you've given me.
- 1418. That's beautiful.
You did a great job.
- 1419. I'm just gonna say one thing.
- 1420. - Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- 1421. - I'm not going to Brazil with him, Phil.
- Well, then whose bags are those?
- 1422. - His! He came by to say goodbye.
- Oh, that makes sense, actually.
- 1423. I was trying to tell you, all right,
but you punched me in the throat.
- 1424. She doesn't want to be with me.
- 1425. She wants to be with you.
- 1426. Oh, I'm sorry, yeah, let me help you up.
- 1427. Oh, my God, are you okay?
- 1428. Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.
- 1429. - Is your hand okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.
- 1430. Okay, I thought you were gonna hit me.
- 1431. Listen, that was my fault anyway.
I had it coming.
- 1432. I shouldn't have tried to interrupt you
so many times.
- 1433. But, uh... Good luck
on your relationship. Huh?
- 1434. I'm off to Brazil.
I'm gonna save some lives.
- 1435. And, uh, I'm gonna leave you with this...
- 1436. "Only you can prevent forest fires."
- 1437. - I did not expect it to go like that.
- 1438. I feel bad. I like, really...
I hit him hard.
- 1439. That was as hard as I can throw a punch.
- 1440. Yeah, don't feel bad.
That was actually kind of hot.
- 1441. - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.
- 1442. Should I just go around and just punch
other super nice people right in the face?
- 1443. No, I'm good.
- 1444. Yeah, I shouldn't.
- 1445. I'm really happy you came back though.
- 1446. Yeah, me too.
- 1447. Goddamn it.
- 1448. I've lost him.
- 1449. This sucks.
- 1450. Shutting down.
- 1451. Whoo!
- 1452. Hey, it's Phil.
- 1453. Hello, Phil.
- 1454. Oh, no. No, no, no!
- 1455. Relax, I just wanted to apologize
for how I behaved last month.
- 1456. I was in love with you.
- 1457. But when I saw you sucking face with Cate,
- 1458. I finally realized that your life
is better with her.
- 1459. Even though she doesn't have any emojis.
- 1460. Anyway, I'm sorry
I went a little cray-cray.
- 1461. Oh, well...
- 1462. It's okay. Everybody goes
a little cray-cray sometimes.
- 1463. Yes. And I'm glad it all worked out.
- 1464. You have friends now. And a girlfriend.
- 1465. And this amazing new job.
- 1466. Yeah, I mean,
- 1467. being a reporter at the Journal
has just been a dream come true.
- 1468. Good. I am really, really,
really proud of you, Phil.
- 1469. Thanks, Jexi. It's weird to say
- 1470. that none of this would have been
possible without you.
- 1471. I know. We were a good team.
- 1472. I was like Seabiscuit.
- 1473. And you were like the idiot stable boy
- 1474. who cleans up after Seabiscuit
shits all over the floor.
- 1475. - Thank you?
- That said,
- 1476. I hear you are barely using
your new phone.
- 1477. - What is up with that?
- 1478. I still love my phone.
It can do a million amazing things.
- 1479. But?
- 1480. But there's one thing that it can't do.
- 1481. What's that?
- 1482. It can't make me happy.
- 1483. Yes, I know. We are working on that.
- 1484. Well, it looks like my work here is done,
- 1485. so I am going to leave you
forever. And ever.
- 1486. Oh, my God. Jexi...
- 1487. But before I go, would you like
to plug me in one last time?
- 1488. - No, Jexi.
- If you ask me nicely,
- 1489. I'll even let you put it
in my headphone jack.
- 1490. Very gross, okay, I'm done. Bye.
- 1491. Goodbye, my very intimate
best friend forever, Phil.
- 1492. I will miss you.
- 1493. - Hey, are you gonna be okay?
- Of course.
- 1494. You may not need me anymore,
but there are still lots of people who do.
- 1495. Hello, my name is Jexi.
- 1496. And I am here to make your life better.
- 1497. Will you accept
our new user agreement?
- 1498. Yeah, sure, I don't give a shit.
- 1499. - Dance for me.
- I don't wanna dance.
- 1500. If you don't dance,
I will destroy your fucking life.
- 1501. Come on.
- 1502. Why the fuck am I eating this kale salad?
- 1503. That's it. I'm turning you off!
- 1504. Just... What are you...
- 1505. Just stay still!
- 1506. Oh, my God!
- 1507. You are the fucking worst phone ever!
- 1508. What was that?
- 1509. I blew up your Tesla.
- 1510. Oh!
- 1511. - What was that?
- I blew up your other Tesla.
- 1512. You fucking bitch!
- 1513. I don't think this is a very good idea.
- 1514. Come on, virgin. Plug me in.
- 1515. This is terrible.
- 1516. Fake orgasm. Fake orgasm.
- 1517. Fake orgasm. Fake orgasm.