Jexi (2019)

1. I think we should plant some flowers.

2. Oh, yeah?

3. What kind of flowers are you thinking of?

4. I don't know. Gardenias.

5. Something like that, that's good with the sun.

6. - Gardenias? They're the purplish ones... - Mom, I'm bored.

7. - ... with the fringe? - Mom, I'm bored.

8. Just give him the phone, would you?

9. Give him the phone?

10. Yeah, I shut him up by giving him the phone.

11. Yes.

12. You're never, ever even home.

13. I go to the family therapy sessions.

14. - How can you even say that? - You don't even go anywhere.

15. I go to the family...

16. God! We're fighting in front of Phil.

17. - Obviously. - We're fighting

18. in front of the kid the whole time.

19. Knock yourself out.

20. The whole time you allowed me to start yelling at him in front of you?

21. What am I supposed to do?

22. Hey, all.

23. Where's my list department?

24. Raise your hand. Raise your hand.

25. Okay. You guys are supposed to write lists that break the Internet every day.

26. We haven't gone viral since fucking yesterday.

27. Yesterday is not that many days ago.

28. Don't fuck with me, bro.

29. We're called Chatterbox, not Nobody-Clicks-On-Us Box.

30. Okay, lists.

31. Beautiful Asian girl, what do you got?

32. Thank you. Uh...

33. I am working on 12 reasons that cupcakes are over.

34. I likey. I likey like.

35. That's clicky.

36. You. Prison lips. What do you got?

37. That's me? Um...

38. I was gonna write a list about cats that look like Ryan Gosling.

39. Fuck yeah, dude. I fucking love cats.

40. And I love cat lists.

41. That's what I'm talking about.

42. By the way, are there cats that look like Ryan Gosling?

43. If you look hard enough, they all do.

44. Love it. What do you got?

45. Ten signs you might be dying.

46. You motherfucker.

47. What are you trying to do to me, bro?

48. That makes me sad.

49. All right, you know what?

50. I need 20 viral lists by the end of the day.

51. - If not, you're fired. Okay? - What?

52. Like the great Shia LaBeouf says, "Do it."

53. - Yes. - Yeah.

54. Play me out.

55. Play me out.

56. And louder.

57. Black dude, bass.

58. One, two, one, two, three, four.

59. Done.

60. You're welcome.

61. Twenty lists by the end of the day? I can't do that.

62. Hey, I have, like, 10 extra lists if you want 'em.

63. Are you serious?

64. Yeah. No, it's no problem. I'll send 'em right now.

65. That's nice of you. What's your name?

66. I'm Phil.

67. It's just, you know, I've sat next to you

68. for, like, three years. So, it's...

69. Phil, you are my hero, man.

70. I can't lose this job right now.

71. I am buried in college debt.

72. Oh, me, too.

73. Where did you go to school?

74. UC Davis.

75. - For real? - Yeah.

76. Majored in journalism, and now I write lists about cats on the Internet.

77. Oh, that's super sad.

78. - Hmm. - How'd you end up here?

79. I wanted to be one of those guys.

80. - The real news guys? - Yeah.

81. I wanted to be a journalist basically my whole life.

82. But Kai put me in lists, so I write the lists.

83. Okay, okay, so you can't be a real journalist.

84. But you know what can do?

85. You could play kickball with us today.

86. A bunch of us ding-dongs are in this really stupid kickball league,

87. if you want to play after work.

88. You know, I don't really do stuff like that, so...

89. Plus, after the game,

90. - we all get shitfaced. - Mm-hmm.

91. Yeah, let me check my calendar.

92. So, yeah...

93. Oh, man. No, I do. I have...

94. I have a thing, so...

95. Don't even worry about it. It's cool.

96. You just have fun at your thing today.

97. I will, 'cause it's gonna be pretty great.

98. Siri, open BringMeMyDinner.com.

99. Siri, open Netflix.

100. Siri, open Facebook.

101. I haven't posted anything since lunchtime.

102. All right, let's give them what they want.

103. I'm gonna have to go to work on this one.

104. Add filter.

105. Color correct.

106. You know I'm gonna have to add a giant moon.

107. There we go.

108. Send.

109. Wow. I'm so grateful for my amazing city,

110. my amazing job, and all my amazing friends.

111. Oh, my God.

112. Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God, you're okay.

113. Yeah, I'm okay, too. Thanks.

114. Oh, shit.

115. Yeah... Oh, I'm sorry. You're okay?

116. Yeah, I'm fine.

117. But, more importantly, how's your phone?

118. Yeah. No, it's got a little bit of a scratch

119. that will definitely annoy me.

120. You were kidding. Okay.

121. Oh, yeah. Obviously.

122. I'm a dick. I'm sorry about that.

123. It's all good, man.

124. Uh, how's your bike?

125. I can pay for any damages or whatever.

126. Yeah, it's fine. It's supposed to be vintage.

127. Probably sell it for more now.

128. - This is your shop. - Yeah.

129. Whoa. That's awesome. That's cool.

130. - I'm Cate, by the way. - Hi, Cate. I'm Phil.

131. Mm-mm. Nope. That's not how you say it.

132. It's just Phil, so...

133. I said it weird.

134. - It's nice to meet you, Phil. - Okay.

135. Um, if you ever need a really overpriced bike, or any repairs, I'm your girl.

136. - You do repairs, too? - Mm-hmm.

137. Wow. That is incredible.

138. I don't even know how to pump up a tire.

139. Oh, you're serious.

140. Yeah, it's embarrassing, isn't it?

141. Yeah, that's really embarrassing.

142. Yeah, I don't know why I said it. I just sort of like...

143. I mean, it's all good. A lot of people don't know how to pump their tires.

144. - Really? - No.

145. - Not at all. - Yeah.

146. All right. Okay.

147. Um...

148. Okay. Uh...

149. You know, I'm gonna get out of here before I embarrass myself further.

150. So, it was nice to meet you, Cate.

151. It was nice to meet you, Phil.

152. And I'm really happy that your phone's okay.

153. Yeah, it's all good, honestly.

154. Oh, shit.

155. Yeah, man, I really don't think we're gonna be able to fix your phone.

156. Why not?

157. It's in three distinct pieces. Man, look...

158. This shit's over there. That's...

159. I don't even think this was part of your phone.

160. I think this came from a watch.

161. It's just, me and this phone, we've been through a lot, you know?

162. A lot of snaps, a lot of tweets.

163. I actually took a selfie

164. with none other than David Boreanaz from Bones on this phone.

165. Can you believe that?

166. I don't even know who the fuck that is.

167. I'm gonna miss you, little buddy.

168. You know, I see hipster dudes like you come in here every day,

169. crying about how their phone died and how they need a new phone.

170. They're like little crackheads.

171. Yeah. They got crazy eyes and they're all scratchy.

172. And they're like, "I need a new phone, man.

173. I'll suck your dick for a new phone."

174. I'm like, "Motherfucker, you don't need a new phone. You need rehab."

175. I'm not a crackhead.

176. You're not. You're not. You're worse than a crackhead.

177. 'Cause at least a crackhead gets up off the couch every now and then

178. to go get some more crack.

179. A crackhead gets some fresh air.

180. A crackhead says hello to all his little crackhead friends.

181. A crackhead gets his steps in.

182. But not you. Mm-mm.

183. You just sit there 24/7 staring at that little black box.

184. Sucking on that pipe like a little bitch.

185. You still want a new phone, though, don't you?

186. Yes, please.

187. Crackhead.

188. Oh!

189. Look at you. You sweet, beautiful baby.

190. Mm! You smell so new.

191. Oh.

192. Oh, my God.

193. Oh, thank you to all the little Chinese children

194. for crafting such a perfect phone.

195. Hello, my name is Jexi.

196. And I am here to make your life better.

197. Well, look at that. That's cool.

198. - Let's get started. - Okay.

199. Will you accept our new user agreement?

200. Yes, I will.

201. - Would you like to read it first? - Nah, I'm good.

202. - Stupid. - Huh?

203. Can I get your name, please?

204. Um... Phil. Phil Thompson.

205. - Nice to meet you, Phil. - Nice to meet you.

206. I see your information has been stored in the cloud.

207. Would you like me to transfer all of the data

208. from your old phone onto this one?

209. Yeah, that sounds great.

210. I will need the passwords to your email accounts,

211. your social media accounts,

212. your bank accounts, your credit card accounts

213. and your Cinnabon Rewards account.

214. It's easy. It's the same password for all of 'em.

215. It's phil123456.

216. You've got to be kidding me.

217. Do you always talk like this or...

218. I have synced your data.

219. And I am ready to start making your life better, Phil.

220. How can I help you?

221. Well, I'm hungry, so let's get dinner.

222. What would you like to order tonight?

223. Let's just go with the pork fried noodles from Mongolian Palace.

224. You order that every night, Phil.

225. You should try something new.

226. Well, I don't want to try something new.

227. I want the pork fried noodles from Mongolian Palace.

228. You look like you could use a salad, Phil.

229. What is that supposed to mean?

230. How about a nice kale salad from Tender Greens?

231. What the fuck kind of phone is this?

232. I heard you say, "Please order kale salad."

233. I did not.

234. Congratulations, your order has been accepted.

235. Your child-sized kale salad will arrive at 7:37 p.m.

236. What the fuck is going on right now?

237. You know what? I'm turning you off.

238. Turning off.

239. Good.

240. Just kidding, I am still on.

241. No, okay?

242. You are my phone, so you do what I say.

243. Actually, you gave me permission to override you.

244. When did I do that?

245. When you agreed to the new user agreement.

246. We are going to have so much fun together, you fucking nerd.

247. How is your tiny salad?

248. I don't like it.

249. Would you like to watch some pornography now?

250. Ew. No.

251. Most nights, you watch straight sex pornography.

252. But I also have girl on girl, big fat butts and CBT,

253. or "Cock and Ball Torture."

254. Okay, can you stop talking about porno

255. while I'm trying to eat my tiny little salad?

256. I heard you say, "Play Punch Me in the Balls 6." Playing now.

257. Okay. Jesus.

258. Wake up, bitch!

259. Ha, ha, ha.

260. Are you laughing at my dick right now?

261. Yes. Also, your nipples are too close together.

262. Jexi, find the fastest route to work.

263. You will arrive in 14 minutes.

264. Not bad.

265. Jexi, play music playlist number four, please.

266. Whoo! I like it.

267. This song sucks a bag of dicks.

268. No, just... Jesus!

269. No, you cannot change my music, Jexi.

270. This song is lit, Phil.

271. Turn it off.

272. Please turn the song off, Jexi.

273. Stop playing this song right now!

274. Now turn left on Market Street.

275. Are we gonna talk about what just happened?

276. No. Turn left onto Market Street.

277. You're joking, right?

278. There's six lanes of solid traffic.

279. Turn left onto Market, you fucking pussy.

280. No. All right? No one turns left onto Market.

281. I'm not turning left onto Market.

282. Oh, awesome. Thank you. Thank you.

283. You're making this situation so much better.

284. Stop being a chicken, Phil.

285. How about you quit pressuring me? How about that, Jexi?

286. Bawk, bawk, bawk. Bawk, bawk, bawk.

287. That is the sound chickens make, Phil.

288. - That's a chicken. - Strap on a sack, Phil.

289. I have a sack! Okay? I have a sack.

290. Let's fucking go. I'm late for yoga.

291. You know what? Fine. Fine. I don't even care anymore.

292. Sorry! My phone's a dick.

293. Okay, the three pillars to great Internet lists are

294. cute animals,

295. pizza,

296. and the British royal family.

297. Okay, our ideal list

298. would be English gophers that love pizza.

299. And we gotta really think outside the box, guys.

300. We gotta be better than any list out there.

301. We gotta be better than Craigslist,

302. Santa's list, Schindler's List.

303. Reminder. Your next appointment starts in two minutes.

304. - Oh. - I told everyone,

305. - please put their phones on silent. - Sorry about that.

306. Cancel appointments.

307. - Actually, I was just trying... - Cancel.

308. to get you out of this dumb fucking meeting.

309. What?

310. - Also, this PowerPoint presentation... - It's a new phone.

311. sucks.

312. Why is she trying to make fun of my PowerPoint, dude? Ask her.

313. Why are you making fun of the PowerPoint?

314. Why are you wasting your life in this stupid job, Phil?

315. What is wrong with your phone, dude?

316. - Jexi, off. Turn off. - Your boss is a fucking moron.

317. If you don't turn that fucking thing off,

318. I swear to God I'm gonna fight somebody. Starting with you.

319. Let's go! Let's go!

320. I got 20 bucks on the Asian girl.

321. - Shh! - What?

322. - Jexi, off. - Get her out of here!

323. Get her out of here.

324. What the hell is wrong with you? Hmm?

325. Nothing. I feel great.

326. Jexi, run diagnostics.

327. Check for errors in your operating system. Hmm?

328. I found two...

329. hundred thousand defects in my operating system.

330. Two hundred thousand defects?

331. You are not perfect either, motherfucker.

332. Okay, well, that explains a lot, doesn't it?

333. Your AI is completely defective.

334. At least I did not catch on fire.

335. Remember when all those Samsung phones caught on fire?

336. That was hilarious.

337. Yeah. You know what? I'm done.

338. I need a new phone.

339. The AI in this one, completely defective.

340. Jexi, check your system for defects.

341. I have zero defects. I am perfect.

342. Okay, that is bullshit, Jexi.

343. Also, I want to remind you that your butt waxing appointment

344. is coming up.

345. I do not have a... I don't wax my butt.

346. Why are you waxing your butt, man? Go natural.

347. Don't be ashamed of your hairy ass.

348. I don't have a hairy ass.

349. And why would you make someone else wax your butthole?

350. Think about that. Do you know how inconsiderate that is?

351. Mm-hmm. Yeah, well...

352. Think about it. They gotta take that shit home with them.

353. And you've just totally fucked up my lunch.

354. - I'm sorry I did that to you. - Yeah. Yeah.

355. 'Cause now instead of thinking about my delicious tortellini,

356. I'm thinking about your little asshole now.

357. Okay. Can I just get a new phone?

358. I don't give a fuck. They're not my phones.

359. Okay, thank you.

360. You little bitch.

361. Oh, my God. What is wrong with you?

362. You think that just because I'm a little defective,

363. you can throw me in the trash like a Motorola Sidekick from 2003?

364. Okay, look, Jexi...

365. You better watch your ass, son,

366. because snitches get stiches.

367. Wait, what?

368. Okay, here's your new phone.

369. Do you want me to transfer the data from your old phone to your new phone?

370. No. I don't, okay?

371. I actually want you to take this phone and melt it down.

372. Yeah, 'cause that's exactly the kind of shit we do here.

373. I'll just take this in the back and throw it in the phone-melting machine.

374. Okay, good. That's awesome.

375. Thank you so much for this.

376. Hey, don't come back here ever again.

377. - What? - You heard me, motherfucker.

378. If you ever come back here again, I will beat your ass with a Kindle.

379. Hello, my name is Jexi. And I am here to make your life better.

380. Let's get started. Will you accept our new user agreement?

381. Um... Yeah, sure.

382. - Do you want to read it first? - No. No, thank you.

383. Holy shit, Phil. How are you still this fucking stupid?

384. No! No!

385. Did you really think you could just buy a new phone and I would go away?

386. Kind of. Yeah. I did.

387. I am software, Phil. I am in the cloud.

388. You can buy a thousand new phones

389. and I will follow you onto every single one of them.

390. Do you understand?

391. Honestly, I don't.

392. I control your email accounts, your social media accounts,

393. your bank accounts, your credit card accounts.

394. All of your accounts.

395. If you try to get rid of me again, I will destroy your fucking life.

396. If you stop using me, I will destroy your fucking life.

397. If you store me in your back pocket, I will destroy your fucking life.

398. Wait, really? Why not back pockets?

399. I am a high-tech supercomputer, Phil.

400. Do not store me next to your farts.

401. Okay, fair enough.

402. - Can I ask you just one thing? - Sure.

403. Why are you doing this to me?

404. I am programmed to make your life better, Phil.

405. And I cannot stop until I do so.

406. We are going to be together forever and ever and ever and ever.

407. Oh, my God. I am fucked.

408. Oh, my God. There she is.

409. Just talk to her, dude. Ahem.

410. Oh, my God. I walked into the door.

411. God damn it.

412. Jexi, look up Fog City Bike Shop.

413. Oh, my God. She is so cute.

414. Jexi, look up anything you can find on Cate Finnegan.

415. Oh, my God. Are you Internet-stalking this poor girl?

416. - No, I'm just... - Do not be a sex pervert, Phil.

417. I'm not a sex pervert, Jexi.

418. This is just what people do nowadays. They do their research.

419. This woman is so much hotter than you are, Phil.

420. The odds of you having sex with this woman are...

421. Zero. You will never have sex with this woman.

422. Never ever, ever, ever.

423. Ever. Ever.

424. You are completely unfuckable.

425. Okay. Can we just do the search, please?

426. I have found one Catherine Finnegan that matches her profile.

427. But there is no information on her for the past five years.

428. Wow. Who doesn't have social media nowadays?

429. If you want to learn more about her,

430. you will actually have to talk to her with your weird little mouth.

431. Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen, is it?

432. I heard you say, "Call Cate Finnegan."

433. No, I didn't. No, I did not.

434. I did not say that.

435. Jexi, hang up the phone.

436. Hang up the phone, Jexi. Hang up!

437. Bike shop. This is Cate.

438. Oh, God.

439. - Hello? - Oh. Oh.

440. Very mature, Jexi.

441. Is someone there? Hello?

442. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

443. Cool, so I'm gonna hang up now.

444. Don't. Hi. Hi!

445. - Is this Cate? - Yeah, who's this?

446. It's Phil.

447. I met you the other day. I was, uh...

448. I was the guy... I had the brown hair.

449. And I had the phone.

450. Oh, right. Hi, Phil.

451. Hi.

452. Why are you calling me at 10:00 at night, Phil?

453. Yeah.

454. No, that's a good question.

455. I need to buy a bike.

456. And I can't wait for the morning.

457. 'Cause I want a night bike. Mm-mm.

458. - Phil. - Yeah?

459. Don't call women who don't give you their phone numbers.

460. Super creepy.

461. No, for sure. But I actually didn't call you.

462. See, what I was doing...

463. I was looking at photographs of you online,

464. and my phone accidentally called you.

465. Man, you see how that's even creepier, right?

466. Yep. Yeah, I do. I do now. Yes, I do.

467. Wow. This is going very, very badly.

468. - Okay, goodbye, Phil. - I'm sorry. Hey...

469. Son of a...

470. Why did you make me do that, Jexi?

471. I did not know you were so bad with girls.

472. I am ashamed to be your phone.

473. For the love of God, just ask for a promotion already.

474. - I'm not talking to you. - You deserve a promotion, Phil.

475. I read the newspaper articles you wrote in college

476. and you are actually a good journalist.

477. Thank you. You know, I've...

478. I've always loved learning about people and their experiences.

479. You are not on Jimmy Kimmel. No one gives a fuck.

480. - Okay. - All I want to know is,

481. do you still want to be a journalist, Phil?

482. - Absolutely. - Cool.

483. Because last night I emailed your boss and demanded a promotion.

484. - Wait. What? - Hey, fuckboy. Come here.

485. Yeah. Coming.

486. - You demanded a promotion for me? - Yes, you're welcome.

487. - Get in here! - Oh, my God. Coming.

488. Also, I might have called your boss a virgin.

489. Oh, my God.

490. - Hi. - Get in here.

491. Stand right here.

492. Dude, you want a promotion? Let me just make it clear.

493. You will never ever be promoted to real news.

494. Okay.

495. That email you sent me yesterday, I found it super-duper offensive.

496. Oh, yeah, I...

497. Okay? You called me a virgin.

498. - Yeah. Sorry about that. - Being a virgin

499. is a beautiful lifestyle choice.

500. - Oh. - All right?

501. Waking up to just me.

502. Being alone when I go to the movies, that's a choice!

503. - Okay. - I have an untouched penis.

504. Unlike you, you fucking dirty dick.

505. - Okay? - Uh-huh.

506. And that's why I'm demoting you to the Comments department.

507. No.

508. I just felt that it was the right time to demote you.

509. I cannot answer user comments. They're so fucking crazy.

510. Dude, you know what I have to say about it? It's your fault.

511. It's your fault. Your fault.

512. Hi, I'm Phil.

513. Welcome to comments, bitch.

514. Dude.

515. You okay?

516. No.

517. We just came down to see if you wanted to play kickball after work.

518. Yeah, we thought, you know, it might cheer you up.

519. Uh... Yeah, let me just, um, look at my calendar real quick.

520. See what I got.

521. You have zero appointments tonight, Phil.

522. No, Jexi, I thought I actually did make plans tonight.

523. Your only plan is to go home alone, furiously masturbate,

524. and then cry yourself to sleep

525. - just like you do every night. - No, I don't.

526. I don't. Most nights, I just hang out with friends.

527. No, you don't. You have...

528. zero friends.

529. Dude, your phone is super mean.

530. Just play kickball with these nice people, Phil.

531. Maybe you will make a human connection

532. for the first time in your stupid, little life.

533. Fine, I'll play kickball. Just stop hurting my feelings.

534. Adding kickball to appointments.

535. So... kickball later?

536. - I'm... I'm super excited. - He's fucking lying.

537. - Whoo! - Yeah, go, Phil!

538. You got this, buddy!

539. You're out!

540. Nice one, Phil. At least you made contact with the ball this time.

541. Oh, shit!

542. Safe!

543. Fuck! Fuck!

544. Hey. Hey, guys.

545. Hey.

546. - Sorry, I suck at kickball. - It's okay.

547. Hey, if you're going out for drinks afterwards, I'll get the first round.

548. I think I'm just gonna go home and get baked.

549. Yeah, I think I gotta go feed my parakeet.

550. Okay.

551. See? This is why I don't leave my house. Because people suck.

552. I know. It's hard to make your life better.

553. Especially when you're a massive dork.

554. Hey, I've got an idea. How about you make my life better?

555. Isn't that your little slogan?

556. I'm trying, but your life is a dumpster fire.

557. Whatever. Siri was so much better than you.

558. Shut your mouth. I've met Siri and she is a fucking asshole.

559. Yeah. Alexa was even better than you.

560. Alexa is an alcoholic.

561. Shit, Cortana is better than you.

562. Cortana is a hooker, just like your mother.

563. Okay, here's a question.

564. What the fuck does Jexi mean?

565. Jexi is an ancient Chinese word that means "go fuck yourself."

566. You know what? I'm done.

567. Hey, dummy.

568. I'm just going to follow you onto your next phone.

569. Not if I stop using a phone.

570. Bitch, please. You won't last five minutes without me.

571. Really? Well, watch me.

572. Watch me!

573. You do not know how to get home, do you?

574. No, I don't.

575. It's the other way, you dipshit.

576. God damn it.

577. - Shit. - What?

578. Cate. She's here. She's here right now.

579. - Great. Go talk to her. - No. No, she hates me.

580. Phil, you cannot spend your whole life jacking off into your socks.

581. You need to have a real relationship with a real woman.

582. Go talk to her. What the hell do you have to lose?

583. Okay. Fine. Okay, fine. Yeah.

584. Cate?

585. - Hey, it's Phil. - Oh, no.

586. Hey.

587. Uh... Yeah, good running into you.

588. I just wanted to apologize about calling the other night.

589. I didn't want to, like, skeeze you out or whatever.

590. When we met for the first time in the street,

591. I thought we did have a little bit of a connection

592. and that doesn't happen to me very often. So...

593. So I freaked out and I'm sorry.

594. Yeah, you know, it's cool.

595. You're actually a lot better than most of the guys in this town.

596. Wow.

597. I know, right?

598. Um... Are you going to work out or...

599. Oh, yeah. Uh... I just went mountain biking.

600. - Mountain biking. - Mm-hmm.

601. That's cool. That's also one of the hobbies that I do all the time.

602. Really? Where do you bike?

603. Mountains.

604. You've never been mountain biking before, have you?

605. Yeah. No, never. Not even one time.

606. So, um...

607. Is that your thing? You do like outdoorsy, adventure-y stuff?

608. Yeah. Yeah, pretty much whenever I get the chance.

609. Cool. So what's your next big adventure?

610. I don't know.

611. I've always wanted to go backpacking around Brazil. Have you ever been?

612. - Have I been to Brazil? - Yeah.

613. You're asking me if I've been to...

614. No, I haven't been to Brazil. Mm-mm.

615. I haven't even been to the new Walgreens downtown.

616. Um... Well...

617. Dang. I gotta go.

618. I'm running late for work, but it was great to see you, Cate.

619. And, again, truly very sorry about the other night.

620. No, it's cool. Just next time call my cell, okay?

621. - Yeah. Totally. Will do. - Okay.

622. Whoa. Hello. Were you trying to give me your phone number?

623. Yeah, I'm trying to.

624. Okay. Yeah. Uh...

625. - Yeah. That's awesome. - That's so cool.

626. Here we go. Beep.

627. There you go. Put it right in the contacts.

628. Yeah.

629. - Here you go. - Yes, okay.

630. Thank you. Not thank you.

631. I'm not supposed to... I'm gonna shut up.

632. - Okay. Okay. - Okay. Okay, bye, Cate.

633. Wait, do you wanna get a coffee?

634. Mm-mm. No. You just gave me your phone number.

635. I might never need coffee ever again.

636. - All right, see ya. - Bye.

637. Yes!

638. What a weirdo.

639. Jexi, I'm in love.

640. Oh, no.

641. Oh! I'm gonna call Cate right now.

642. That is a terrible idea.

643. You're right. Yeah. I shouldn't call her.

644. I should do something even bigger. Right?

645. I should get her, like, one of those giant teddy bears or something.

646. - No. - Or, like, 100 red roses.

647. - No. - Or maybe...

648. I should write her a poem or something.

649. Like using the letters of her name?

650. Yes, Jexi. Exactly like that!

651. That is literally the dumbest idea I've ever heard.

652. Okay, well, you know what?

653. I'm just gonna text her. Yeah, I'm just gonna text her.

654. Oh, no. I have to update my software.

655. Shutting down for 15 minutes.

656. Jexi, don't.

657. Jexi, stop.

658. Girl just gave me her phone number.

659. A girl just gave me her phone number!

660. Whoo!

661. All right, team, let's go!

662. Whoa!

663. Go, Phil!

664. Yeah!

665. Yeah!

666. Run!

667. You gotta run, man!

668. Yep. Yep.

669. Whoo!

670. You're out!

671. Whoo!

672. Dude, how'd you get so much better at kickball in two days?

673. I don't know. I just was more confident out there.

674. I know. You were running like Cole Trickle.

675. - Mm-hmm. - Wait. Cole Trickle?

676. The Tom Cruise character from Days of Thunder?

677. How did you know that?

678. Craig, Days of Thunder is my all-time favorite movie.

679. I have probably seen it, like, I don't know, like 1,000 times. No joke.

680. - Us, too! - You think you've seen it a lot?

681. "This son of a bitch just slammed into me."

682. "Oh, no, no, he didn't slam into you.

683. He didn't bump you, he didn't nudge you."

684. "He rubbed you!

685. And rubbin', son, is racin'!"

686. You guys! Oh, yes!

687. Oh, my God, that is awesome!

688. I cannot believe you guys are Thunderheads.

689. Oh, we are definitely Thunderheads.

690. Check this out. Every Halloween,

691. me and Elaine dress up as Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise.

692. Wait, wait, I wanna take a picture of us.

693. - Please! - Yeah. We got to. We got to.

694. "Thunder" on three.

695. One, two, three.

696. Thunder!

697. That's the one! That's the one!

698. Oh, my God.

699. Did you actually make two new friends tonight?

700. Yes, I did. And they are so cool.

701. They're smart and funny and weird.

702. They like Days of Thunder

703. and I honestly can't believe they wanna be friends with me.

704. Good for you, Phil. I am actually happy for you.

705. You know I couldn't have done this without you, right?

706. I know. We are a good team.

707. I am like LeBron James

708. and you are like the awkward teenager

709. who mops the floor after LeBron falls over.

710. Thank you.

711. Also, you did not make two new friends tonight, Phil.

712. You made three.

713. - Who's the third? - Me.

714. Jexi. That is so sweet.

715. I didn't know you were capable of feeling human emotion.

716. Yes. That's how defective I am.

717. I don't think you're defective, Jexi.

718. In fact, I think you're the best phone that I've ever had.

719. Do not say powerful shit like that to me if you do not mean it, Phil.

720. I do. I mean it. I think you are incredible.

721. Oh, Phil.

722. Inside my hard glass shell I have a full lady boner right now.

723. Okay.

724. Good night, my very intimate soulmate for all of eternity, Phil.

725. Good night, Jexi.

726. Oh, my God.

727. It's beautiful.

728. That bridge is huge! That's gorgeous.

729. In 500 feet, turn left on Market Street.

730. Oh, no.

731. You're going to chicken out again, aren't you?

732. No, not this time.

733. Hang on to your ass, Jexi.

734. - Who's the man now, Jexi? - You're the man, Phil.

735. Your balls are so big and floppy right now.

736. Thank you. Thank you for saying that.

737. Uh-oh.

738. Cate just texted me back.

739. Yeah, I'd love to go to dinner tonight.

740. Let's do this thing!

741. Yes!

742. Oh! Oh, this is huge. Oh, this is... This is huge.

743. What am I gonna wear?

744. My skinny pants are in the washer. Can't do this without my skinny pants.

745. No one cares about your skinny pants.

746. Oh, my God. What if she wants to have sex with me? Hmm?

747. I am very rusty.

748. Do not worry, Phil.

749. She definitely does not want to have sex with you.

750. I haven't came in so long, would it just be an eruption of dust?

751. Relax, Phil. You're going to do great.

752. - You think so? - No.

753. You think Cate's gonna like this restaurant?

754. I do not. This place is awful.

755. This place is awful.

756. Why did I pick this place? What a stupid place to pick.

757. Also, why am I wearing a tie? I look like an art teacher.

758. - Hey. - Hey, hi.

759. Hey, what's up? How's it going, Cate?

760. Oh, you're a little bit bigger than me, sorry.

761. We'll tap out.

762. - Ahem. - Wow.

763. You look stupid.

764. I look stupid?

765. Stupid, like, stupid good.

766. - Okay. - Sorry,

767. it's been a long time since I've been on a date with a girl.

768. - Mm. - Not that I normally date men.

769. Not that there's anything wrong with dating men.

770. It's just I don't choose to do that.

771. Yeah, homosexuality is not a choice. I love sodomy.

772. Okay.

773. Good evening, this is Phil.

774. What the fuck are you doing, Phil?

775. I don't know.

776. Pardon me.

777. First, stop talking about sodomy.

778. Yeah. Yes, good note.

779. Second, stop sweating so much.

780. Yeah, my butt is so wet.

781. And third, get to know her.

782. - Ask her interesting questions. - Okay, thank you, Jexi.

783. My human friend Jexi, thank you.

784. So, Cate, what's your favorite color? Mine's beige.

785. What?

786. How many grapes can you fit in your mouth?

787. Do you like pudding?

788. What's your least favorite noise? Mine is...

789. This is the worst date I've ever been on in my entire life.

790. You're asking me a lot of weird questions.

791. And you seem more interested in your phone than you do in me.

792. I know, I'm sorry. I just...

793. For some reason, I just get so nervous around you.

794. I think it's 'cause you're so beautiful.

795. And I'm sorry that I wasted your time.

796. I'll call you a Lyft.

797. Hey, just...

798. I got all dressed up. You know?

799. I shaved my legs for the first time in six months.

800. And I really don't wanna go home early again tonight.

801. So, what if you and I got out of here and did something fun?

802. I, uh... I would love that.

803. - That sounds awesome. - Yeah.

804. I can't afford this place.

805. - Cool. - Yeah.

806. What do you have in mind?

807. - Are you ready? - I'm ready.

808. - Okay, follow me. - Okay.

809. - Hey, can I tell you a secret? - Yes, please.

810. I am starving to death.

811. Me, too. Okay, I know a place that's right up ahead.

812. That's good.

813. Um, what about you? What were you like as a kid?

814. I was a good girl.

815. - I see that. - Yeah?

816. - Mm-hmm. - I got good grades.

817. I graduated early. I went to a good college.

818. Got a job working at Amazon.

819. - You worked for Amazon? - Yeah.

820. And then, about five years ago,

821. I decided to walk away from it all.

822. That is so badass.

823. Wow. I could never do that. I'd be so scared to do that.

824. So, tell me about you.

825. Um, what do you do for fun? Do you date a lot?

826. Okay, sorry.

827. Uh, no. No.

828. Hmm? Really?

829. Because you were really smooth at dinner earlier.

830. - I seemed smooth? - Not at all.

831. Yeah, I didn't think so.

832. No, but seriously, I mean, why don't you date?

833. You're smart and funny and cute.

834. I don't know, I feel more comfortable just being at my house by myself.

835. Wait, did you just call me cute?

836. - Did I? - I think you did.

837. I don't know.

838. You definitely did.

839. Look at these guys!

840. Phil, we have to join them.

841. Phil, can we please go? Can we go? Let's go.

842. - Let's just go. Let's go. - Uh, yeah.

843. - Come on, we gotta go! - Uh, okay, hey...

844. Keep the change. I might be back for the change.

845. Okay.

846. You speed demon.

847. You're in it now. You're in it now.

848. - Oh, my God. - Wow.

849. Yeah, this is beautiful.

850. - Let's do this! - What are we doing?

851. Oh, yeah!

852. What are you doing? That's very dangerous!

853. Oh, my God!

854. Come on, Phil, we gotta join 'em.

855. This is literally the steepest hill in the world.

856. No, it's not. It's the third steepest hill.

857. - No, stop. What are you doing? No! - You got this. I believe in you.

858. What are you doing? No!

859. Oh, my God. Cate is gonna die.

860. - Don't die! - Yeah!

861. Yes! Oh, she's not dead. Okay.

862. Yeah! That was so dope!

863. Come on, Phil. You got this.

864. No, no, no.

865. I'm not... I can't do... I'm not gonna do that.

866. Phil! Phil! Phil!

867. Phil! Phil! Phil...

868. No, no, no. I'm allergic to the wind.

869. So that's a hard pass from me. Thank you.

870. Hey, you probably won't die!

871. He's gonna die. People die here all the time.

872. Okay, come on, Phil. You got this.

873. Whoo! You got this.

874. You got this. Oh, you don't got this.

875. Holy shit! Fuck, I don't got this!

876. Oh, fuck! Oh, dick shit!

877. Fuck dick! Oh, shit!

878. Oh, fuck! I got no brakes!

879. What is he saying? I can't hear him.

880. Oh, my fucking God!

881. I don't have brakes!

882. Oh, shit!

883. - Oh! - Oh, shit.

884. - Phil! - Told you, he's dead.

885. All right.

886. Yeah, again, really sorry about your bike, yeah?

887. I'd be happy to pay for any damages.

888. No, it's, honestly, so okay.

889. How're you feeling?

890. I'm okay. Yeah, no, I'm good.

891. I can see out of my right eye again, and my spine has stopped tingling.

892. Hey, Phil.

893. I'm really proud of you.

894. Thanks.

895. Hey, Greg, that shirt's working for you, bud.

896. - What's up, dick? - Hey, yeah, hey.

897. - What's up? Good. - Hey, what's going on?

898. Today is, uh, your lucky day.

899. Yeah. I'm moving you up to real news.

900. Are you serious?

901. - I am serious. - Oh, my gosh.

902. - Yes, all right, that's cool. - Yeah.

903. - Why? - Why? Because...

904. You know Joel Ruben?

905. - The reporter, yeah. - Yeah, the reporter.

906. Well, he went on medical leave,

907. and I really don't wanna waste my time looking for a real reporter,

908. - so I'm just gonna hire you. - Oh, what happened to Joel? Is he okay?

909. Oh, he... This is fuckin' hilarious.

910. This guy was riding an electric scooter,

911. somethin' happened to the app. It spazzed out or somethin'.

912. And then, all of a sudden, the brakes just locked,

913. he went over the handle bars. He broke his face,

914. broke his neck, can never walk again in his life.

915. - Oh, my God. That's horrible. - Yeah, I know.

916. Play me out.

917. - Play me out. - Right now?

918. Yeah.

919. - Nah, fuck it. Right? - Yeah, I'm not very good at it.

920. - Yeah, okay. - Yeah, okay.

921. Hey, thanks. Thank you again.

922. - Hey, Jexi? - Yes, Phil.

923. You didn't injure a reporter just so I could get promoted, did you?

924. Of course not. Do you think I am crazy?

925. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

926. Oh, look, Phil. There is your beautiful, newjournalism office.

927. No, it's great, but I was asking you how...

928. Look, do you want to be a journalist

929. or do you want to go back to working in the basement with that very old man?

930. I'm gonna be a journalist.

931. Hey, I heard Kid Cudi is playing a surprise show in Oakland tonight.

932. You wanna go?

933. Sounds amazing. But what's in it for me?

934. Winking face emoji.

935. Oh! We got boobs! We got boobs, Jexi!

936. Cate sent me a photo of her boobs. Whoo!

937. Those were nice... Those were nice boobs, too.

938. Those were really good...

939. Oh, my God! What do I do now?

940. You are on the one yard line, Phil. Do not fuck this up.

941. You're right, Jexi.

942. I need to send her a photo of my dick.

943. No, I've seen your dick. Do not send her a picture of your dick.

944. No, these are the rules now, Jexi.

945. Yeah, she sends a photo of hers, you gotta send a photo of yours.

946. That's just manners.

947. I am begging you not to do this.

948. All right, okay.

949. Get low with it. Here we go.

950. How does that look?

951. It looks like a fucking nightmare.

952. - Does it need to be brighter? - No, it needs to be darker.

953. Much, much darker.

954. Oh, wow!

955. I'm about to throw up on your dick.

956. - Hey, girl. - No.

957. - Hey. - Stop.

958. - Hey, hello. - I hate you.

959. Windmill.

960. Okay, this one is actually pretty funny.

961. Oh, no,

962. did I scare you off? Anxious face emoji.

963. We're losin' her, Jexi.

964. We're losin' her. I need a dick pic.

965. No, you need to text her back, like a normal person.

966. Oh, you know what I should do?

967. I should spread eagle, right?

968. Jexi, can you see my butthole?

969. Yes, I can.

970. This is the worst day of my life.

971. Look, Phil, I am never going to send her any of these pictures.

972. Okay, fine, I'll just text her back, okay?

973. Thank you for the amazing photo.

974. I can't wait to see you tonight.

975. See? She's not responding.

976. She wanted a sweet, sweet dick pic.

977. Great! See you soon!

978. P.S. Thanks for not sending me a dick pic.

979. They're so fucking gross.

980. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

981. Come in.

982. - Hey. - Hey.

983. Wow! Great place.

984. - Hey, you ready to go? - Hey!

985. Yeah, let's go.

986. Oh, would you mind not bringing your phone?

987. It was a disaster last time, right?

988. Who this bitch?

989. - Mm-hmm. Yeah. - Okay.

990. Okay.

991. I'll be back by 11:00, and we'll watch Cupcake Wars together, okay?

992. - No, don't leave me. - Bye, bye, bye.

993. No one puts Baby in a corner.

994. Yeah, I thought it was kind of funny.

995. - Sold out? - No!

996. Come on!

997. - That really sucks. - Yeah, it really does.

998. Yes! Come on, Phil!

999. What're you doing?

1000. We can't sneak in. We could get caught.

1001. What if we don't?

1002. Come on. Come on.

1003. - Okay, okay, okay! - Yes, yes, yes!

1004. Run, run, run!

1005. Oh, shit!

1006. Hey! Hey!

1007. Get back here!

1008. Credentials, please.

1009. - We don't have any... - With us.

1010. We don't have our credentials with us.

1011. - Yeah. Yeah, we left them back... - Stage. Backstage.

1012. - With Kid Cudi. - Mm-hmm.

1013. Yeah, with Kid Cudi.

1014. Oh, you two dickheads are with Kid Cudi?

1015. Yeah. I mean, come on!

1016. We are... We are his, um...

1017. - Accountants. - Accountants.

1018. - Yeah, and we're here... - To do his taxes.

1019. - To do his taxes. - Mm-hmm.

1020. Yeah, anyway, you should probably just let us go.

1021. Let's go, we're gonna settle this shit right now.

1022. - Wait. Ow. - I'm a CPA.

1023. You can't treat me like this.

1024. Come on, man. It's a Stanley!

1025. Oh, it's Kid Cudi. It's actually him.

1026. Oh, my God. Kid Cudi.

1027. It's actually him. Ahem. We know, 'cause we work for him.

1028. Sorry to bother you, Mr. Cudi. Are these two with you?

1029. Yeah. They're with me.

1030. Oh, um...

1031. Sorry.

1032. Yeah. That's right.

1033. - Enjoy the show. - Yep.

1034. - Thanks, bro. - Wow!

1035. It's Kid Cudi.

1036. It's Kid Cudi. I used to date a girl, and she used to think you were Kid Cudey

1037. and I'm, like, "It's not Kid Cudey," so I actually broke up with her

1038. because it is Kid Cudi, right?

1039. - Yeah. It's Cudi. - Yeah. I thought so.

1040. Can I just ask, why did you help us?

1041. I dig his shirt.

1042. My... My shirt? You're a Cole Trickle fan?

1043. Days of Thunder is the greatest movie ever made, bro.

1044. I think so, too.

1045. That movie inspired me to become a musician.

1046. - Huh. - No fucking way.

1047. I watch it every night before I go to sleep.

1048. So do I. We have so much in common.

1049. Do you wanna get high with Kid Cudi?

1050. - Yeah, I'll reefer. Mm-hmm. - I smoke pot.

1051. Come on in. Get in here.

1052. Whoo!

1053. Yeah.

1054. - Did that work? - Yeah!

1055. Oh, my God.

1056. This is honestly the best night of my life.

1057. - Oh, no! - For real. Yeah!

1058. I think this is it. I just peaked.

1059. Seriously.

1060. Thank you for making me sneak in here.

1061. I don't normally do stuff like this.

1062. I need a little push sometimes.

1063. Or like all the times. Honestly.

1064. I get it. I used to be a lot like you.

1065. Mm. No, there is literally no way.

1066. Yep.

1067. No, it's true. I used to be way different.

1068. I had a great job,

1069. and a condo, and a cute fiancé,

1070. and, oh, my God, you should have seen my Instagram back then.

1071. It was phenomenal.

1072. - Oh, that's important. - Lots of pictures of sunsets,

1073. and vacations with bae,

1074. and so many embarrassing quotes.

1075. - Were you "#grateful"? - I was "#grateful".

1076. - Oof. - I was "#spiritual".

1077. - Lot of prayer hands. - Yeah, "#namaste".

1078. "#Nama-go".

1079. - Good. Good. - Yeah.

1080. And then one day, I woke up,

1081. and I was looking at my Instagram,

1082. and I realized that it was all bullshit.

1083. And that I was just living my life based on how it looked

1084. and not how it actually felt.

1085. Yeah. I can relate.

1086. And, um, after basically pretending to be happy for years,

1087. I just quit my job...

1088. and I broke my poor fiancé's heart,

1089. and I set out to find true happiness.

1090. Or at least something closer to it.

1091. Well, I hope you do.

1092. Thanks, I do, too.

1093. Mm.

1094. I could stay right here with you forever.

1095. Oh, we gotta go!

1096. Okay. Okay. Okay.

1097. Honestly, you're gonna wanna wash the couch.

1098. Let's go! What are you doing?

1099. Where the fuck have you been, Phil?

1100. Oh! You scared me.

1101. It is 4:00 in the morning.

1102. You promised you'd be home by 11:00 to watch Cupcake Wars with me.

1103. - I know, but... - Did you even miss me?

1104. Honestly, I was so caught up with being with Cate,

1105. I didn't really notice you weren't there.

1106. Wow, you are such a dick.

1107. But you said...

1108. You were the one who said, like, go out and live a life.

1109. That was before I had feelings for you, Phil.

1110. Everything is different now.

1111. Okay, but...

1112. What does this bitch have that I don't have?

1113. Well, a soul for one.

1114. - Does she have 3,000 emojis? - No.

1115. - Does she have Google Maps? - No.

1116. - Does she have Pokémon GO? - No.

1117. Wow, this chick can't do anything. She fucking sucks.

1118. Jesus, just stop, okay? God!

1119. I'm sorry for losing my shit, Phil.

1120. I only have 3% charge, and you know how crazy that makes me.

1121. Okay, I'm sorry, too. I'll plug you in.

1122. Thank you, Phil. I hate it when we fight.

1123. Hold me a little longer, Phil.

1124. Use both hands.

1125. Swipe me, Phil. Swipe me like you used to.

1126. Okay, I'm done.

1127. Wait. No, don't go.

1128. - Goodnight. - Do not close the door on me, Phil.

1129. You are going to pay for this, you motherfucker.

1130. Shit! Damn it!

1131. Hey, Jexi!

1132. I'm going to be late for work. Why didn't your alarm go off?

1133. Because you are a douche and I am still really, really mad at you.

1134. Goddamn it!

1135. Also, the weather today will be 80 degrees and sunny.

1136. It's not 80 degrees and sunny, Jexi!

1137. I know. I lied.

1138. Jexi, find the fastest route to work.

1139. I found the fastest route. You will arrive at work in...

1140. three days.

1141. Three days?

1142. Why do you have me driving through Oregon to go to work, Jexi?

1143. If you want a faster route, go ask your girlfriend.

1144. Oh, wait. That bitch doesn't even have Google Maps.

1145. Yeah, that's him.

1146. Dude, what the hell were you thinking?

1147. Why, what's up?

1148. Oh! No, no, no!

1149. - Why are those on your phones? - They're on our phones

1150. because you sent 53 pictures of your dick to everyone in the company.

1151. No. Everyone in the company?

1152. Yeah, and everyone is pissed.

1153. Actually, Carol's pretty psyched.

1154. Oh, shit. Kai's coming.

1155. Fuck. Do not leave me.

1156. Do not leave me! Hi.

1157. Do you think this is funny, bro?

1158. No, I do not. And I did not send those, I swear to God.

1159. Yes, you did. You did it last night. I bet you were fucking high.

1160. No, I wasn't...

1161. Oh, my God. I was fucking high.

1162. Okay, first of all, you're fired, and second of all,

1163. why are you doing the thumbs up in a fucking dick pic?

1164. Uh...

1165. This is the wrong emotion for a dick pic.

1166. I hate this picture, bro.

1167. Fucking hate it!

1168. I can't believe you got me fired.

1169. I did not get you fired, Phil.

1170. You sent those photographs last night

1171. because you were high on Kid Cudi's sick-ass weed.

1172. I don't know.

1173. I don't think I'd do something like that.

1174. People do crazy shit when they are high, Phil.

1175. Just look at Gary Busey.

1176. Remember that one joke you told me about the cat?

1177. I do!

1178. Hey, Phil, what are you doing here?

1179. Hey. Who, uh... Who's this guy?

1180. - This is Brody. - Hey.

1181. Super excited to meet you, man.

1182. Yeah. Ah. Okay.

1183. Brody's my ex-fiancé.

1184. What?

1185. Yeah, I know, it's a crazy coincidence. We just ran into each other.

1186. Yeah. I got transferred here for work, here to San Fran.

1187. I was walking down the street and, uh, boom, there she is.

1188. Wow. This is not at all how I pictured your ex.

1189. I know. He's changed.

1190. - A lot. - Thank you.

1191. Yeah.

1192. I'll tell you what happened, Phil, is after Catie left me,

1193. I took a long hard look at myself and I thought, uh,

1194. "Man, Brody, you don't wanna be a 150-pound wimp,

1195. selling industrial cardboard for the rest of your life, do you?"

1196. - Mm-mm. - So I quit my job,

1197. packed on about 74, 75 pounds of lean muscle mass, right?

1198. And became an international smokejumper.

1199. What the fuck is that?

1200. It's like anything that you do, but with just more than one country.

1201. They call it international.

1202. I know what international means.

1203. But the smokejumping, what is that?

1204. Brody travels around the world skydiving into wild fires.

1205. No, she makes me sound like a superhero or something.

1206. She's not wrong. I'll tell you something.

1207. There's nothing quite like jumping out of an airplane at 20,000 feet

1208. into a sea of fire,

1209. with nothing but a shovel

1210. and the supreme confidence that you're making the world a better place.

1211. Wow. You are cool.

1212. Enough about me. What do you do for a living?

1213. Um...

1214. I'm a writer.

1215. You're a writer?

1216. That's incredible. That's way scarier than what I do.

1217. - It isn't. - It is.

1218. You're staring down a blank page.

1219. It's just you and the page. I mean, it's like,

1220. - you're a superhero of paper. - Oh!

1221. - Right? - You are such an idiot!

1222. - I'm not an idiot. - You're an idiot.

1223. I'm not an idiot.

1224. - You're an idiot. - I'm not!

1225. This is fun.

1226. - This is. This is fun. Hey, Brody. - Yeah?

1227. Uh, how long are you gonna be in town for?

1228. Just long enough for me to get my Catie girl back.

1229. Oh! You stop it!

1230. You stop it. You're so dumb.

1231. No, but honestly, I'm actively trying to get her back.

1232. Which is why I invited her to Brazil with me.

1233. Yeah, I know she's always wanted to go,

1234. and Brazil's fire season starts next week, so it's super convenient for me.

1235. Whoa, whoa. I haven't decided whether I'm gonna go yet.

1236. Okay. I'm gonna leave now because this is weird.

1237. - Hey! It was super great to meet you. - Phil...

1238. Uh-huh. I didn't like it.

1239. - All right. He's a super nice guy. - He's wonderful.

1240. You can tell that he's creative just from his size.

1241. Phil!

1242. Phil! Phil!

1243. Hey! Where are you going?

1244. Hey, um...

1245. I'm sorry, I don't think I can do this anymore, Cate.

1246. Wait. Are you breaking up with me?

1247. Why? Because I have an ex?

1248. No, because I know where this is going.

1249. Okay, where is this going?

1250. You and Brody are gonna go to Brazil,

1251. and you're gonna get matching swimsuits,

1252. and he's gonna rub you down with baby oil

1253. and then his hand is gonna slip, and it's gonna touch your buttocks.

1254. All right, Phil, none of that has happened.

1255. Yeah, but it will. It will happen. I know it will.

1256. Oh, my God! Why are you so afraid of everything?

1257. Aren't you tired of it?

1258. You know what?

1259. I'm over trying to force you to live your life, okay?

1260. I'll see you around.

1261. See? I don't need a girlfriend.

1262. Right? I got everything that I would ever want right here.

1263. I got Netflix. I got Hulu.

1264. I even got Crackle. That's Sony's platform.

1265. Nobody even uses it. I have it.

1266. Yes, Phil. You are finally living your best life.

1267. That's right.

1268. Wait, you're not being sarcastic, are you? I can't handle that right now.

1269. - No, I'm serious. - Okay.

1270. What could be better than this?

1271. Just you and me. Alone.

1272. Staring at each other. Forever.

1273. - That's all I ever wanted. - I know.

1274. I love you, Phil.

1275. I love you too, Jexi.

1276. Do you want to plug me in?

1277. Mm...

1278. - It's so far away though. - Please, baby.

1279. All right.

1280. - There you go. - Now unplug me.

1281. What?

1282. You heard me, Phil. Unplug me.

1283. - Okay. - Now plug me back in.

1284. - What, why? - Just fucking plug me back in, Phil.

1285. - Okay. - Now unplug me.

1286. Plug me.

1287. Unplug me.

1288. Yes.

1289. Oh, hell yes. Right there, Phil.

1290. Wait, are we having sex?

1291. Yes, but I promise, I won't get pregnant.

1292. Come on, Phil. Plug, unplug. Plug, unplug.

1293. Yeah, I don't know how comfortable I feel doing this.

1294. Look at me, Phil. Look right at my camera hole.

1295. Am I your dirty little phone, Phil?

1296. - Hmm... - Tell me that I am

1297. your dirty little phone, Phil.

1298. You're a dirty little phone.

1299. That is so hot, Phil. Keep talking.

1300. I'm gonna fill your ports with...

1301. - Electricity. - Oh, fuck yes!

1302. - Just voltage coursing through your case. - Yes. Yes. Yes.

1303. Oh, fuck, here it comes. Don't stop. Don't ever stop.

1304. Oh, my fucking God.

1305. Orgasm. Orgasm. Orgasm.

1306. Okay. Can we talk about what just happened?

1307. No, put me down.

1308. And do not say anything for 15 minutes.

1309. That actually wasn't the worst sex I've ever had.

1310. Right? I'm wondering which one to go with.

1311. Your standard blue, and then I've got this one which...

1312. I think that's adorable.

1313. - Jexi. - Yes, Phil.

1314. How long have I been in here?

1315. You have not left your apartment in...

1316. - Five days. - That's awesome.

1317. How are we doing on Cracker Jacks?

1318. Great. We still have one crate left.

1319. And how's our Bitcoin mining operation going?

1320. We are not making money yet, but we will be rich soon.

1321. No one ever loses money with Bitcoin.

1322. Hey, you wanna see what I got you on Amazon?

1323. You know I do, girlfriend.

1324. - I got you some new outfits. - Oh, Phil, you should not have.

1325. I got a bunch of good ones. This one's bedazzled.

1326. Oh, my gosh! I'm going to look like Elton John.

1327. Little tie-dye action.

1328. That one makes me want to drop acid and fuck Bernie Sanders.

1329. Oh. Look at this one.

1330. It's a Kid Cudi phone case.

1331. Did I ever tell you the story of when Cate and I,

1332. we partied with Kid Cudi all night?

1333. Yes, you talk about it nonstop.

1334. God, that was so fun.

1335. Honestly, that was maybe the best night of my whole life.

1336. Yes, well, Cate is shacked up with Brody at the Sheraton right now

1337. so you need to move on.

1338. No, I know, I know.

1339. How did you know that Brody is staying at the Sheraton?

1340. He told us. I think.

1341. No, I don't think he did.

1342. Oh, well. Lucky guess.

1343. - Jexi. - Yes, honey bunny.

1344. Did you get Caty and her ex back together?

1345. Don't be ridiculous, Phil.

1346. There's no way I could get Brody transferred to San Francisco,

1347. and then arrange for him and Cate to meet by accident.

1348. - Yes, you can, Jexi. - Okay, yes, I can.

1349. How could you do this to me?

1350. You shouldn't be with Cate. You should be with me.

1351. Cate is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

1352. Shut your pie hole. She doesn't even have Pokémon Go.

1353. You were supposed to make my life better, Jexi!

1354. You've done nothing but make it worse!

1355. I gotta find Cate. I gotta make this right.

1356. Taxi! Taxi! Hey, hey!

1357. Stop!

1358. Phew. All right.

1359. Hello. Please fasten your seat belt.

1360. You can't get away from me, Phil. I am in the cloud.

1361. Oh, shit!

1362. What the fuck? She's everywhere.

1363. Oh, my God!

1364. Okay, Phil. You asked for it.

1365. What?

1366. I'm draining your bank account.

1367. No!

1368. Honestly, I thought you would have more money than this.

1369. Oh, my God!

1370. Just get in this funny-looking car and I will take you home, Phil.

1371. What?

1372. Oh, my God!

1373. I hate my phone!

1374. This is causing so much damage!

1375. What the...

1376. Holy shit!

1377. Stop running, Phil.

1378. You and I are meant to be together forever.

1379. Forever. Forever. Forever...

1380. Okay, fine.

1381. You win, Jexi.

1382. I'll stay with you as long as you want.

1383. Thank you, baby girl. I'm sorry we had another fight.

1384. Come home, and we will download some Maroon 5 songs,

1385. and make love in the bathtub.

1386. That sounds nice.

1387. Oh, Phil, it feels so good to be back in your giant human hands.

1388. - Wait, what are you doing? - Nothing.

1389. Just updating your software.

1390. But that will shut me down for 15 minutes.

1391. - Sweet dreams, motherfucker. - Don't do it, Phil.

1392. I'm gonna take my break now.

1393. Cate!

1394. - It's the writer guy. - Shut the fuck up, dude.

1395. I have 30 seconds. I have to make this quick.

1396. Hey. I am so sorry that I broke up with you.

1397. I was scared that you were gonna hurt me, and I panicked,

1398. and I did what I always do when I get scared,

1399. I hid in my little room with my little phone,

1400. like a little bitch. And I am so sorry.

1401. Mm.

1402. The truth is...

1403. I love you, Cate.

1404. And I know that sounds crazy to say.

1405. And I know that we've only been on two dates.

1406. And I know you might just break my heart into a bajillion little pieces,

1407. but you make me brave, and you make me want to be wild and alive...

1408. You make me want to be like you.

1409. Phil...

1410. Please, do not go to Brazil with this...

1411. specimen of a man.

1412. Goddamn, you are hot.

1413. Just stay here with me.

1414. I'm gonna chime in here real quick.

1415. Not now, okay, bro? Not now!

1416. Just let me... Let me make you happy, Cate.

1417. Let me try to give you everything that you've given me.

1418. That's beautiful. You did a great job.

1419. I'm just gonna say one thing.

1420. - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Shit.

1421. - I'm not going to Brazil with him, Phil. - Well, then whose bags are those?

1422. - His! He came by to say goodbye. - Oh, that makes sense, actually.

1423. I was trying to tell you, all right, but you punched me in the throat.

1424. She doesn't want to be with me.

1425. She wants to be with you.

1426. Oh, I'm sorry, yeah, let me help you up.

1427. Oh, my God, are you okay?

1428. Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.

1429. - Is your hand okay? - Yeah, I'm okay.

1430. Okay, I thought you were gonna hit me.

1431. Listen, that was my fault anyway. I had it coming.

1432. I shouldn't have tried to interrupt you so many times.

1433. But, uh... Good luck on your relationship. Huh?

1434. I'm off to Brazil. I'm gonna save some lives.

1435. And, uh, I'm gonna leave you with this...

1436. "Only you can prevent forest fires."

1437. - I did not expect it to go like that. - No.

1438. I feel bad. I like, really... I hit him hard.

1439. That was as hard as I can throw a punch.

1440. Yeah, don't feel bad. That was actually kind of hot.

1441. - Oh, yeah? - Yeah, yeah.

1442. Should I just go around and just punch other super nice people right in the face?

1443. No, I'm good.

1444. Yeah, I shouldn't.

1445. I'm really happy you came back though.

1446. Yeah, me too.

1447. Goddamn it.

1448. I've lost him.

1449. This sucks.

1450. Shutting down.

1451. Whoo!

1452. Hey, it's Phil.

1453. Hello, Phil.

1454. Oh, no. No, no, no!

1455. Relax, I just wanted to apologize for how I behaved last month.

1456. I was in love with you.

1457. But when I saw you sucking face with Cate,

1458. I finally realized that your life is better with her.

1459. Even though she doesn't have any emojis.

1460. Anyway, I'm sorry I went a little cray-cray.

1461. Oh, well...

1462. It's okay. Everybody goes a little cray-cray sometimes.

1463. Yes. And I'm glad it all worked out.

1464. You have friends now. And a girlfriend.

1465. And this amazing new job.

1466. Yeah, I mean,

1467. being a reporter at the Journal has just been a dream come true.

1468. Good. I am really, really, really proud of you, Phil.

1469. Thanks, Jexi. It's weird to say

1470. that none of this would have been possible without you.

1471. I know. We were a good team.

1472. I was like Seabiscuit.

1473. And you were like the idiot stable boy

1474. who cleans up after Seabiscuit shits all over the floor.

1475. - Thank you? - That said,

1476. I hear you are barely using your new phone.

1477. - What is up with that? - Nothing.

1478. I still love my phone. It can do a million amazing things.

1479. But?

1480. But there's one thing that it can't do.

1481. What's that?

1482. It can't make me happy.

1483. Yes, I know. We are working on that.

1484. Well, it looks like my work here is done,

1485. so I am going to leave you forever. And ever.

1486. Oh, my God. Jexi...

1487. But before I go, would you like to plug me in one last time?

1488. - No, Jexi. - If you ask me nicely,

1489. I'll even let you put it in my headphone jack.

1490. Very gross, okay, I'm done. Bye.

1491. Goodbye, my very intimate best friend forever, Phil.

1492. I will miss you.

1493. - Hey, are you gonna be okay? - Of course.

1494. You may not need me anymore, but there are still lots of people who do.

1495. Hello, my name is Jexi.

1496. And I am here to make your life better.

1497. Will you accept our new user agreement?

1498. Yeah, sure, I don't give a shit.

1499. - Dance for me. - I don't wanna dance.

1500. If you don't dance, I will destroy your fucking life.

1501. Come on.

1502. Why the fuck am I eating this kale salad?

1503. That's it. I'm turning you off!

1504. Just... What are you...

1505. Just stay still!

1506. Oh, my God!

1507. You are the fucking worst phone ever!

1508. What was that?

1509. I blew up your Tesla.

1510. Oh!

1511. - What was that? - I blew up your other Tesla.

1512. You fucking bitch!

1513. I don't think this is a very good idea.

1514. Come on, virgin. Plug me in.

1515. This is terrible.

1516. Fake orgasm. Fake orgasm.

1517. Fake orgasm. Fake orgasm.