Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)

No ratings found (rate this movie on Facebook or Discord with `!rate Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001) X.X/5`)

Phil Caracas as Jesus Christ • Murielle Varhelyi as Maxine Schreck • Maria Moulton as Mary Magnum • Tim Devries as Father Eustace • Ian Driscoll as Johnny Golgatha • Josh Grace as Dr. Praetorious • Tracy Lance as Gloria Oddbottom

The second coming is upon us, and Jesus has returned to earth. But before he can get down to the serious business of judging the living and the dead, he has to contend with an army of vampires that can walk in the daylight.......

Canada • Horror • Action • Comedy

Request examples:

!req Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter 2001 [02:32]
!req Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter 2001 [Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter]
Syntax: !req MOVIE YEAR [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001) [10-11]; !req Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001) [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. - He sees you, he hears you.

2. He has seen and heard your sins.

3. Your endless shameless sins.

4. - Are you there god, why don't you answer me?

5. Why don't you give me a sign!

6. Tell me whatever you please, let me know.

7. Let me know you care!

8. - Remember ye the words of the lord.

9. - All thee who are gathered here in the darkness,

10. you imagine that you are there to witness not

11. but an hour of flickering fictions?

12. Do you imagine that your lives are not in jeopardy

13. at this very moment?

14. This is the empty house of your soul.

15. It's foundations are built on your childhood

16. and climbing a lifetime,

17. you may never reach its top floor.

18. Can smell the air within, dry and musty with long neglect.

19. If you would see the story that is about to unfold

20. be warned!

21. It is nothing less than that which lies within these walls

22. and within each and every one of you.

23. Are you prepared to take up residence?

24. If you are then enter

25. but do not make the decision likely

26. for you will not be alone walking these creaking floors.

27. Remember the words of our savior when he spake

28. in Matthew 28:20,

29. "And behold, I am with you all of the days

30. until the completion of the age."

31. - Where have all our lesbians gone?

32. - Alban, Father Alban.

33. It's happened again, Father Alban.

34. - These women are as sheeps in the midst of wolves,

35. Father Eustace.

36. I cannot beat to read another of these headlines.

37. - We can no longer stand idly by

38. and allow these children of god

39. to be slain by these agents of the devil.

40. We alone have been entrusted with the knowledge

41. of power; a man who can stop this unholy plague.

42. You know of whom I speak.

43. - You mean—

44. - Loose lips, Alban.

45. - Forgive me.

46. - Of course, but you understand your responsibilities?

47. - Since I first entered the order,

48. I knew this day would come.

49. - Good, arrangements have already been made.

50. In fact...

51. - Lemonade?

52. - Will there be enough?

53. - Oh, there'll be plenty.

54. - I thirst for nothing but justice

55. for the fallen sheep of our flock.

56. - Tell me what the problem is.

57. - You see, my lord, you are the only one

58. who can stem the spread of this contagion.

59. If these leeches prevail,

60. the faith will need no longer fear going to hell.

61. - For hell will come to us.

62. - I am here to build a kingdom

63. out of my fathers kingdom.

64. I cannot rush to the battlements

65. before the foundations are made

66. or else the walls will surely collapse.

67. Body of Christ.

68. Alden, Avellino, go bless the lake, quickly.

69. Revelation!

70. - You say that you're wounded,

71. to that I say fine.

72. If you show me yours

73. ♪ Straight back to Hades

74. - Father Eustace, I presume.

75. - The church maintains this apartment

76. for visiting clergy members

77. and parishioners in need.

78. You can stay here as long as necessary.

79. - I've slept in worst places.

80. - I'm quite busy with my clerical duties

81. but it will be good to know where you are.

82. Now, you must be hungry after your long trip.

83. Speaking of which, where are Alban and Avellino?

84. - I'm afraid we have much to discuss, Eustace.

85. - Jesus!

86. - My only consolation is in knowing

87. that Father's Avellino and Alban are now in a better place.

88. - They were not the first to fall, my lord.

89. Both these pictures were taken at a singles dance

90. that the church held last year.

91. This is John Golan, he worked for a local television station

92. and produced public service announcements

93. for the churches charity work.

94. A good soul, he was the first member of my congregation

95. to disappear.

96. Miriam Scheider, a successful concert promoter

97. but she still took time out

98. to volunteer at our soup kitchens

99. and at the food bank.

100. People came as much for her smile

101. as for the food.

102. She's been missing for nearly eight months now.

103. - This is the woman that attacked me at the beach.

104. She killed Avellino and Alban.

105. - I feared as much.

106. There have been rumors.

107. I didn't want to believe at first

108. but every Sunday I see fewer and fewer faces

109. in the pews.

110. I fear my parish is being consumed,

111. body and soul.

112. - There have been more disappearances?

113. - Many, as recently as last night.

114. Young women mostly.

115. The church has been unwilling to act on this matter

116. because of the lifestyle of these women.

117. - The church should learn to leave judgment

118. to higher powers.

119. Do you suppose that the disappearance

120. of these ladies of Sappho is somehow connected

121. to the fact that these vampires can walk

122. in the daylight?

123. - That is what you must find out, my lord.

124. - This case requires the attention of one

125. from whom the truth cannot be hidden.

126. Here, it's yours anyways.

127. It's from the collection plate.

128. The church can wait a couple of weeks for a new TV.

129. - I'll need to buy some wood, for stakes.

130. - Hello, Jesus.

131. You don't know us because we've never talked

132. to you before.

133. We are the atheists.

134. - Look Jesus, we're taking your second coming as down.

135. Consider the 13th station of the cross.

136. - Let's get on with the conversion.

137. - Real enough for you?

138. - I don't believe it.

139. - Jesus!

140. - I'm on your side Rabbi, see?

141. No fangs.

142. - Sorry, I'm a little tense.

143. - I've got just what you need.

144. Feeling a little bit more relaxed now, Rabbi?

145. - I'm fine.

146. - Here, let me help.

147. - How'd you find me?

148. - Well, every night before I go to bed,

149. I get down on my knees and ask for direction

150. but I was here on other business.

151. - Vampires?

152. - The archdioceses doesn't have an monopoly on faith, Rabbi.

153. The branch of the church to which I belong

154. has been operating discreetly for quite awhile.

155. The position of women in the church

156. hasn't always been so horizontal.

157. - I remember.

158. - Our research indicates that authentic vampirism

159. is actually what we've come to term,

160. a quantum infection,

161. acting sometimes as the virus,

162. other times a bacterium,

163. still other times as a fungal infestation.

164. Which may explain the power of the inflicted individual.

165. Depending on the observer,

166. even under strict lab conditions,

167. it's impossible to batch sets of vampire tissue samples.

168. The results are just too chaotic.

169. We suspect that the vampires vulnerability

170. to light has something to do with the fact

171. that light exists as both a particle and a wave,

172. again depending on the observer.

173. You follow?

174. - I understand light.

175. - I came to the city to see this man.

176. He's been doing fascinating work with grafting

177. and cryptopathology.

178. I think that if we find him,

179. he might be able to hand us a big piece of the puzzle.

180. - Let's go then.

181. - Walking around in this thing,

182. it's not exactly inconspicuous.

183. You might as well be wearing a halo.

184. I think we should get you some new clothes.

185. Something a little more urban.

186. - But I have nothing to hide.

187. - Maybe not but you sure have a lot to show.

188. - Jesus!

189. - Hey, can I try this on.

190. - In the back, my blue eyed soul brother.

191. Like I said, in the back.

192. - Thanks.

193. - Jesus, what do you think?

194. They're salt and pepper shakers.

195. I collect them.

196. - Oh, they're grand.

197. - Here, let me help.

198. Up, up.

199. Okay, up, up.

200. Up.

201. Gorgeous.

202. - I need to see Johnny, where's he at?

203. - What, lay up.

204. - Give me a boost.

205. - There's a new player in town, I need to tell Johnny.

206. Where's he at?

207. - I don't know, I think he's doing the TCP

208. down at the hospital.

209. - I'll go check,

210. if he comes back tell him I was here.

211. - Come on, Mary.

212. - Hold up.

213. A lousy nickel?

214. That shirt's worth a

215. if it's worth a subway token.

216. - Alright, I'll give you six.

217. - Six?

218. That won't even buy me a pimp steak.

219. Come on, put your weight on it.

220. - Seven?

221. - Seven?

222. See, now you in the hood

223. but you way down the block.

224. - $8.50.

225. - Wear it like you mean it.

226. - How much?

227. - For you, free as OJ.

228. - If I'm not back in five minutes, call the pope.

229. Mary, I'm stuck.

230. - Nor to men put new wine toward skins—

231. - What, what is it?

232. Let me see.

233. - And the wine is poured out, yes, yes.

234. But they put new wine into new skins

235. and both are preserved together.

236. Those were the words of the apostle Matthew,

237. chapter nine verse 17, to be exact.

238. He brought these healing truths to the people

239. in the only way available.

240. Through the pseudoscience of religion.

241. Oh yeah.

242. Men of science, like of myself,

243. the apostles of the new millennium,

244. can make his words flesh.

245. Photo-sensitivity is a symptom of vampirism yes

246. but it can be controlled.

247. This skin, grafted on to your body

248. will provide you the immunity you need

249. to walk in the daylight.

250. The procedure's simple

251. and the anti-rejection drugs will leave you

252. in a pleasantly euphoric state.

253. It's important to nourish the new skin

254. by ingesting massive amounts of human hemoglobin

255. over the next few days

256. but that shouldn't be a problem, now should it?

257. - Doc.

258. Slice open anyone interesting today.

259. I know I did.

260. You'll be wanting a new janitor by the way.

261. - Really Mr. Golgotha, I must protest.

262. This is a sterile environment.

263. - Well I didn't come to commit the sin of Onan,

264. just to check in on our latest convert.

265. How's she doing?

266. - Still partially catatonic.

267. She's still suffering from the effects

268. of post mortem stress disorder.

269. - Give me a call when you're done with her body work.

270. Whoa, speaking of body work.

271. Hey, Max, how'd you find me?

272. - Followed the screams Johnny, just like always.

273. Can you zip me up?

274. Listen, we need to talk.

275. - How's about over lunch?

276. I'm famished.

277. - You're a glutton.

278. - Wow, who's that?

279. - She's a vampire.

280. - Oh, too bad.

281. - I saw her kill two priest with my own eyes.

282. - Mr. Golgotha, Ms. Shreck,

283. we're running low on skin.

284. I suggest we harvest another lesbian.

285. - 30 minutes or it's free.

286. - Girls, girls, girls?

287. - Hey, you want to play a game?

288. - Sure.

289. - Close your eyes.

290. You're it.

291. - I love what you're wearing.

292. - Had enough?

293. - And when you have lived in this empty house

294. long enough, a question will arise within you,

295. this same question this certain lawyer

296. asked of our lord in Luke 10:30,

297. "Who is my neighbor?"

298. - Help me.

299. - Please, help me.

300. - Sorry mate, my compassion ended at 6 PM.

301. - Help.

302. - Oh Fifi, look.

303. Jesus, honey, you're a mess.

304. - How did you know my name?

305. - You're a stranger to me

306. but no stranger that I am.

307. It is strange what you see

308. when you look through stranger's eyes.

309. You've got that look in your eyes,

310. like you grow up on your own.

311. Different, apart, and feeling alone.

312. I know how it feels,

313. when there's something inside.

314. Something too queer to show

315. but to real to hide.

316. Goodnight, sweet prince.

317. - Jesus!

318. - I'll be back with your dessert in a minute.

319. - Excuse me, I didn't order...

320. - Jesus.

321. - Is that you bowl of cherries?

322. - Do bowls of cherries talk, Jesus?

323. - I don't know, I've seen a lot of strange things

324. over the years.

325. - You need help, Jesus,

326. and I have not forsaken you.

327. - Oh, it's you Dad.

328. So what's your advice.

329. - Seek out the sage of the wresting ring, son.

330. He will stand along side you

331. and call your mom, she misses you.

332. - Hombre, hombre, Santo, Santo.

333. - Santos, over here, just one photo.

334. - Any truth to the rumor that you're coming

335. out of retirement?

336. - Any words for you fans?

337. - What do you think about the state

338. of professional wrestling today, Santo?

339. - Any comments on the allegations that you've

340. had a falling out with Aztec Mummy Ensemble?

341. - No comment, I have no comment.

342. Please direct your questions to Ms. Oddball.

343. - Could you step aside so I can get a photo of El Santo?

344. - Make sure you get my good side

345. or you'll get on my bad side.

346. - Thanks so much.

347. - Now there's my front page.

348. - I've been a fan of your flying clancho take down

349. for years, Santo.

350. It's an honor to finally meet you.

351. - The pleasure is all mine.

352. I apologize for the reporters.

353. They are harder to escape than the Blue Demon's

354. cobra clutch.

355. - Santos, over here champ.

356. I've got a car waiting.

357. - Madre de Dios, my old manager.

358. Don't let this gringo con you Jesus,

359. he'll have you wrestling midgets

360. in border towns for 10 % of the net.

361. Danny, amigo.

362. - Hey Santos, you got to see this new act I'm managing.

363. Stop by tonight and we'll talk a little business.

364. - Gracias, Danny.

365. I know why you're here my savior.

366. I have chosen to call myself the saint

367. and as such, I am your servant.

368. To you my lord, my face is forever naked.

369. Now tell, you have found a place to begin our investigation.

370. Si?

371. - Hey man, watch it.

372. You getting all in the kool aid

373. and you don't even know the flavor.

374. - I know you know Johnny Golgotha,

375. tell me where he is.

376. - Hey, I'm as close as 99 is to 100

377. to Johnny and his crew but I don't know you

378. from Adam, madam.

379. - You can save lives.

380. You have to tell us where he is,

381. for the sake of your soul,

382. if nothing else.

383. - Yeah, tell that to a one legged man

384. so he can bump it off down the road, Jack.

385. Okay, okay, I collar the jive,

386. you the boss, Dick.

387. Say I cop, than I'd be cleaner

388. than the Board of Health, right?

389. - If you are truly repentant.

390. - Okay then man, okay.

391. Lay up.

392. I know you want that grey-boy bad

393. but hustlers don't call showdowns, dig?

394. Johnny and his main mellow are out of town today.

395. There ain't nothing shaking until tomorrow morning,

396. down at the point.

397. - Don't tempt me.

398. - Oh, Jesus!

399. - Good evening ladies and gentlemen

400. and welcome to the Dominion Tavern.

401. There's a lot of beautiful faces in the house tonight

402. but the man you're here to see can't see you.

403. So make some noise for Mr. Blind Jimmy Leper!

404. - Thank you, thank you very much.

405. Thank you.

406. - Jesus, I'm afraid I must confess the sin of lust.

407. - Don't worry Santos, he forgives all.

408. - Thank you, thank you, thank you.

409. So I've been told we've got a very special

410. person in the audience there tonight.

411. Without with there'd be no soul for the brothers.

412. So, I'd like put your hands together for our lord

413. and our savior, Jesus Christ.

414. - One, two, unos, dos, tres.

415. I was born in a manger.

416. Doomed to live in danger.

417. Met Mary Magdalene,

418. had to rearrange her, yeah.

419. - This may seem sudden

420. but I have learned from my many years of experience

421. in the ring, to strike when the opportunity arises.

422. What I'm trying to say is,

423. you've pinned my heart to the mat

424. and I think I love you.

425. - Where is everybody?

426. - They split, baby.

427. - Hello son.

428. I was just wanting to check up on you.

429. Are you keeping busy then, dear?

430. - Yeah, Mom.

431. I'm trying to help some lesbians.

432. - Oh god loves them, they get so much done in a day.

433. Don't you think?

434. - Yeah, listen, I really have to go.

435. These vampires—

436. - Oh, now you're letting those boys push you around,

437. are you?

438. They might seem bigger than you now

439. but who do we always say is going

440. to inherit the earth, dear?

441. - The meek, Mom.

442. - That's right love, now don't let me keep you,

443. you go on now.

444. - Kay, Mom, talk to you later.

445. I love you.

446. Hey.

447. - We have your friend Santo on the ropes.

448. Unless you want to see him go down for the count,

449. I suggest you deliver yourself to us.

450. - If you would heal you woes

451. and prolong your life,

452. look not here in this pharmacy of human vanity.

453. But here!

454. Recall ye the words of the messiah

455. as they are spoken in Luke 4:23,

456. "Physician, heal thy self."

457. - Time for revelation, my lord.

458. You really haven't done anything

459. that they haven't, my lord.

460. You rose from the dead, so did they.

461. You promised eternal life, so did they.

462. But they offer so much more power.

463. - I really I wish we had the time

464. to invite more people, Jesus.

465. It's not everyday a guy get's a chance

466. to commit deicide.

467. Sacrifice is your thing, isn't it?

468. - I think you need to go back to Sunday school.

469. My death was never the end of the story.

470. - Let's get this over with.

471. - Any last words, Jesus?

472. - No, I've got a question though.

473. Why lesbians?

474. - They're deviants, no one will miss them.

475. - There's nothing deviant about love.

476. - Good one.

477. The truth is as bitter as garlic to them.

478. - Here Jesus, you'll need this

479. to kill that jackrabbit albino son of bitch.

480. - Thank you Loyd.

481. We're here live on location at GNL auto wrecking

482. and recycling where a pitch battle is taking place

483. between forces of good and evil.

484. Unconfirmed reports indicate that none other

485. than Jesus Christ is involved

486. in a winner take all fight to the finish

487. with an unknown assailant or assailants.

488. I think I can see him now.

489. Ladies and gentlemen, this is incredible.

490. - But you're at the wrecking yard.

491. On TV live!

492. - I'm everywhere.

493. And on the 7th day, he rested.

494. - I've got you now.

495. - Not even this separates you from my love.

496. - No my lord, no!

497. - My love cannot heal this woman, my lord

498. but perhaps yours can.

499. Will you try?

500. - Her soul is in jeopardy, Santos.

501. Just as millennia balance on the silver of time

502. between the ticks of a clock,

503. so does her soul now stand balanced

504. on a precipice between the unending light

505. of heaven and the undying fires of hell.

506. I can work this miracle, Santos.

507. To you and to your love for Maggie.

508. Are you ready to live up to your name?

509. Remove her mask!

510. - Rabbi, where's Maxine?

511. - Maxine?

512. Maxine Shreck?

513. - Rabbi, I owe you so much already.

514. The peace in my soul

515. and Maxine, she brings me a joy

516. that I never thought possible here on Earth.

517. I was wondering, would you,

518. could you...

519. - Yeah, sure, okay.

520. But Maggie, aren't you a lesbian?

521. - No, I'm bi.

522. - Yes, yes!

523. Yes, yes!

524. Yeah, right!

525. - But the end of all things is drawn nigh.

526. Be sober therefore and watchful onto prayers

527. but before all things, having fervent love

528. amongst yourselves because love covers a multitude

529. of sins.

530. Beloved, take not estrange fire of persecution

531. which is taken place amongst you,

532. as if something strange was happening to you

533. but as ye have share in the sufferings of Christ,

534. rejoice then in the revelation of his glory,

535. also he may rejoice with exaltation.

536. - Back when I was hanging out with the apostles,

537. we had a saying,

538. if you can bear the whole yolk of the lord,

539. you'll be perfect but if you can't,

540. then do what you can.

541. I don't want you to accept anything just

542. because I say it.

543. Think about it, make up your own mind

544. and if you choose Christianity,

545. don't follow me, follow my teachings.

546. It's the messages that's important

547. not the messenger.

548. Hello?

549. Hey JP, I can't talk right now,

550. I'm in the middle of something.

551. Yeah, okay well later.

552. Listen, you don't need me to tell you these things.

553. I'm not here to give you new laws,

554. I'm just telling you what you already know.

555. I'm the part of you that feels bad when you don't give

556. that homeless guy your spare change.

557. You know what's right.

558. Trust yourselves.

559. Learn to love, learn to forgive,

560. and remember five keeps a neighborhood alive.

561. - Jesus.