1. Everyone, please take
your seats. You heard the bell.Copy !req
2. You know what it means.
Last week,Copy !req
3. the assignment was
to write an essay about your family.Copy !req
4. - Who they...
- Are!Copy !req
5. And what they...Copy !req
6. Mean to us!Copy !req
7. Excellent droning. So I want
everyone to take out their essays.Copy !req
8. We're going to read them aloud
to the class right up here.Copy !req
9. My mom says that me and my dad
have very healthy appetites.Copy !req
10. My mom and dad are very religious.Copy !req
11. When they're in their bedroom at night,
I always hear them yelling, “Jesus!”Copy !req
12. My mom says my dad's eyes are brown
because he is so full of sh...Copy !req
13. Brian!Copy !req
14. My brother Jack is in eighth grade.Copy !req
15. He told me to ask my dad
who he voted for...Copy !req
16. for... for President.Copy !req
17. I did and my Dad said
he's a total Bush-man.Copy !req
18. That made my brother laugh really hard.Copy !req
19. Whenever my Uncle Stu
comes over to play pool with my dad,Copy !req
20. my mom says the basement smells
like a Cheech and Chong movie.Copy !req
21. Well... it's like this.Copy !req
22. My dog ate my paper.Copy !req
23. I checked, but he didn't poop it out.Copy !req
24. What a lovely sentiment,
Mr. Etheridge.Copy !req
25. Maybe your dog can eat the zero
you'll be receiving too.Copy !req
26. - Aw, man!
- Harsh.Copy !req
27. Miss Trinke?
It's your turn now.Copy !req
28. My dad says life can be
split into two categories:Copy !req
29. New Jersey... and New York.Copy !req
30. My dad was a Jersey boy
who became the youngestCopy !req
31. and most successful music publicist
in New York City.Copy !req
32. By the time he was 27,
he had 100 people working for him.Copy !req
33. And even though they all loved him,
he loved them even more.Copy !req
34. My fellow flacks and spin doctors.Copy !req
35. Salud.Copy !req
36. Daddy loved his job,
but not as much as he loved my mom.Copy !req
37. Mommy was a book editor in
New York City when her and Daddy met.Copy !req
38. Daddy said their jobs
were kind of the same...Copy !req
39. they made slight corrections
for their clients.Copy !req
40. Because George Michael is a pimp
who is all about the ladies, my friend.Copy !req
41. Come on, “I Want Your Sex”?
That sound like he's singing to a guy?Copy !req
42. Daddy worked so much that sometimes
Mommy could only see him late at night.Copy !req
43. Daddy says that's why they
both loved the city so much...Copy !req
44. it never went to sleep.Copy !req
45. And neither did him and Mommy.Copy !req
46. But after a year of romance
in New York City,Copy !req
47. Daddy said it was time
to show Mommy where he came from.Copy !req
48. So he took her home to New Jersey
and put her through what he saidCopy !req
49. was the biggest test
their love would ever face:Copy !req
50. “Introducing her to my pop. “Copy !req
51. - Hey, how are ya?
- How're ya doin'?Copy !req
52. - How're ya doin' yourself?
- This is Gertrude.Copy !req
53. Hi. Merry Christmas.Copy !req
54. - And what do you do, Mr. Trinke?
- Easy on the “Mr. Trinke”. It's Bart.Copy !req
55. I work for the borough,
for 30 years now.Copy !req
56. He's the only man in Highlands
licensed to operate the street sweeper.Copy !req
57. Oh, man, I always wanted
to ride in one of those things.Copy !req
58. Well, you continue seeing my son,
I can probably get you a turn at the wheel.Copy !req
59. I was only gonna sleep with him
a few more times and then dump him,Copy !req
60. but now, after an offer like that...Copy !req
61. Holy shit.
Listen to the mouth on this one!Copy !req
62. Oh, yeah, they don't make 'em
like Mom anymore, do they, Dad?Copy !req
63. - Now, listen, I'm goin' to the bar.
- What a shock.Copy !req
64. If you guys are gonna do anything while
I'm gone, stay the hell off of my bed.Copy !req
65. - You're going to a bar?
- Didn't he tell ya? I'm an alcoholic.Copy !req
66. - Well, I wanna go to the bar too.
- No, you don't wanna go to this bar.Copy !req
67. It's a bunch of old guys talkin' about
how good they had it under Kennedy.Copy !req
68. The man was a goddamn saint.Copy !req
69. I'm goin' to the bar with your dad.
You can come if you want.Copy !req
70. No, that's OK.
I'll stay here and do the dishes.Copy !req
71. I only cooked.
Why shouldn't I clean?Copy !req
72. Suit yourself.
But don't wash that pan.Copy !req
73. I got a layer of juice built up for the pork
roll, and I don't want you scrubbin' it off.Copy !req
74. That “juice” is called grease, Dad.Copy !req
75. It's bad for you.
It clogs your arteries.Copy !req
76. It's called juice.
And it greases a father's insidesCopy !req
77. so that he can better swallow
the shit his son feeds him twice a yearCopy !req
78. when he can be bothered
coming to visit him.Copy !req
79. So that night,
Daddy took Mommy to Pop's bar,Copy !req
80. where she got to meet
Pop's other children,Copy !req
81. his best friends Greenie and Block.Copy !req
82. Hey, your kid's cuttin' a rug.Copy !req
83. Who are you, Connie Chung?Copy !req
84. Daddy said, because Mommy
survived her first trip to Jersey,Copy !req
85. he knew she was a keeper.Copy !req
86. He said they celebrated their
engagement by going out for pizza.Copy !req
87. And that's how I got here.Copy !req
88. Do we have enough of these at home,
or should I steal some?Copy !req
89. If you're gonna steal something,
steal some rubber gloves.Copy !req
90. - Thank you!
- You're welcome!Copy !req
91. And with that,
everyone lived happily ever after.Copy !req
92. Almost.Copy !req
93. Look, you've got two minutes,
and then we have to go, OK?Copy !req
94. - Or I'm gonna leave.
- Would you stop rushing me?Copy !req
95. I don't understand how somebody who had
all day sitting around to get readyCopy !req
96. waits till 20 minutes
before we have to leave!Copy !req
97. You try getting anything accomplished
with this big gut in your way!Copy !req
98. This is one of the few days of the year
that I can be fired for being late!Copy !req
99. Anytime that you wanna carry this baby,
Ollie, you let me know! OK?Copy !req
100. I would be glad to go back to wearing
regular dresses instead of this tent!Copy !req
101. The dress looks fine.
It's gorgeous, OK? It's beautiful.Copy !req
102. Yeah, until I'm standing next to
Janet Jackson or Sheryl Crow.Copy !req
103. Then you'll see how not fine it looks.Copy !req
104. Gertie, I asked you, please,
to use your own brush, OK?Copy !req
105. - Can you just not use my brush?
- Don't start.Copy !req
106. It's just that
every time I wanna comb my hairCopy !req
107. I spend 15 minutes taking these
long, bushy hairs out of my brush.Copy !req
108. And I mean, you ask me to...Copy !req
109. I'm sorry.Copy !req
110. Baby, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.Copy !req
111. You don't understand
what it's like to be this fat!Copy !req
112. I've always been thin,
and now I'm a disgusting pig!Copy !req
113. And it's my first time
going to the Video Music AwardsCopy !req
114. and all the other girls are gonna be
skinny, and I'm gonna look like a whale!Copy !req
115. Baby, baby, they're just skinny
'cause they're all coked-out whores.Copy !req
116. I wanna be a coked-out whore!Copy !req
117. OK, you can be a coked-out whore too.Copy !req
118. You can be a coked-out, coked-out whore.Copy !req
119. - I'm sorry.
- I should be more sensitive. I'm sorry.Copy !req
120. I should be more sensitive, honey.
I know.Copy !req
121. - Yes.
- I know.Copy !req
122. - Baby, we have to go now, OK?
- OK.Copy !req
123. - I love you. We have to go now.
- OK.Copy !req
124. - I love you too.
- All right, let's go. OK?Copy !req
125. Just give me two minutes.Copy !req
126. - What time is it?
- 20 after.Copy !req
127. - She's gonna kill me!
- I need the quote for the Madonna release.Copy !req
128. OK. “Madonna trusts the public
will judge for itself that...Copy !req
129. this latest in a long line
of breakthrough music videosCopy !req
130. is not the tasteless sexploitation
it's accused of being.”Copy !req
131. - “It's artistic expression.”
- Of what?Copy !req
132. Of one woman's constant need
to show the world... her labia.Copy !req
133. Hey, can I use the word “labia”
in a press release?Copy !req
134. See you next week.Copy !req
135. One of these days, I'll get me one of
those husbands that show up for Lamaze.Copy !req
136. I'm sorry, babe. It was Madonna.Copy !req
137. So you were late
because of another woman. That's nice.Copy !req
138. - Come on. I still gotta do my job.
- And I still gotta do mine too.Copy !req
139. But I was at Lamaze on time.Copy !req
140. Look, all I'm saying isCopy !req
141. that guy who used to spend all night at the
office and barely live in his apartment?Copy !req
142. That's not you anymore.Copy !req
143. Now you have to be the guy
who's done by sixCopy !req
144. and comes home
and hangs out with his family.Copy !req
145. That's the only way we're gonna work.Copy !req
146. OK?Copy !req
147. OK.Copy !req
148. - OK.
- OK.Copy !req
149. OK!Copy !req
150. - OK.
- OK.Copy !req
151. - Can I help you?
- Yes.Copy !req
152. My wife's water broke.
She's gonna have a baby.Copy !req
153. - You're gonna have to check in, hon.
- Check in?Copy !req
154. Where, at the concierge desk? Why
are you being so combative with me?Copy !req
155. First of all,
take your hands off my uniform.Copy !req
156. And second,
I'm gonna need a patient here.Copy !req
157. This is my wife.
This is the belligerent nurseCopy !req
158. that's being so difficult with me,
giving me such a hard time.Copy !req
159. - I'm sorry. He's a little panicky.
- Can I get a wheelchair?Copy !req
160. - Let's get you up to delivery...
- OK.Copy !req
161. - ... and let him fill out the paperwork.
- OK.Copy !req
162. - If we can trust him with a pen.
- Here, sweetie.Copy !req
163. OK, just relax, breathe.
Remember, take it easy.Copy !req
164. I love you.
I'll be right there, OK? I love you.Copy !req
165. - I love you too.
- OK, I love you.Copy !req
166. We've practiced this 1,000 times.
It'll be great. How hard can it be?Copy !req
167. - Push! You're doing good.
- You're doing real good.Copy !req
168. - No, I can't! I can't do it!
- Take a breath.Copy !req
169. - It hurts!
- I know it hurts.Copy !req
170. It's OK, baby.
Push. You can do it.Copy !req
171. Take a deep breath.
In five, four...Copy !req
172. - OK? Here you go.
- ... three, two, one.Copy !req
173. Push. Push harder, Gertie.
Push harder.Copy !req
174. The baby's crowning. I can see her.
I just need one more push.Copy !req
175. - Can you see her?
- Holy shit! I can see the head!Copy !req
176. - One more. Breathe.
- Push! It's almost there, baby.Copy !req
177. Push! You're doing it. Push!Copy !req
178. Push!Copy !req
179. Here she comes! Here she comes!Copy !req
180. Here she is.Copy !req
181. - Do you wanna cut the cord, Dad?
- Yeah.Copy !req
182. Scissors, please.Copy !req
183. Yes! And she's got all ten fingers,
ten toes.Copy !req
184. We'll get her all cleaned up
and then we're gonna check...Copy !req
185. Gertie?Copy !req
186. - Baby, look.
- Gertie?Copy !req
187. Gertie!Copy !req
188. Gertie, can you hear me?Copy !req
189. - She's OK. Sweetheart?
- Nurse, get Dr. Mortimer right away!Copy !req
190. She's resting.
Who's Dr. Mortimer?Copy !req
191. Dr. Mortimer!Copy !req
192. - What's happening?
- She's unresponsive.Copy !req
193. - Gertie!
- Gertie! Gertie!Copy !req
194. Gertie, it's me! Gertie?Copy !req
195. Healthy baby. Unresponsive.Copy !req
196. - Respiratory arrest.
- Turn it around!Copy !req
197. - What's happening to my wife?
- Let's open that IV, please.Copy !req
198. Baby, are you OK?
Sweetheart, sweetheart, wake up!Copy !req
199. Please, someone take
Mr. Trinke outside. Please!Copy !req
200. I'm gonna have to intubate.Copy !req
201. Gertie, wake up, my love.
Wake up.Copy !req
202. Gertie, please. Wake up.Copy !req
203. Get off me! Gertie!Copy !req
204. I wanna stay with my wife!
Gertie! Gertie!Copy !req
205. What's happening?Copy !req
206. - Ollie...
- If I don't get to go in there right now...Copy !req
207. - I swear to God!
- Ollie... Ollie, calm down.Copy !req
208. Fuck you, calm down! OK?Copy !req
209. I got dragged out of there,
I haven't got to see my baby!Copy !req
210. Your baby is fine.
She's healthy, she's normal.Copy !req
211. - What's wrong with Gertie?
- I need you to calm down before I...Copy !req
212. Look, I'm calm! OK?Copy !req
213. I'm calm.Copy !req
214. We think Gertie had an aneurysm.Copy !req
215. Is she OK?Copy !req
216. We lost her, Ollie.Copy !req
217. The strain of the contractions and the
pushing caused the aneurysm to rupture.Copy !req
218. There are rarely symptoms
for aneurysms...Copy !req
219. You sure you're OK
with this, Dad?Copy !req
220. What, OK?
She's my granddaughter.Copy !req
221. Yeah, you can stay
with me anytime, can't you?Copy !req
222. Yes, you can.Copy !req
223. Until you're a teenager,
with the boys and a reefer.Copy !req
224. Then I don't wanna know about you.Copy !req
225. I wouldn't impose on you, you know.Copy !req
226. I just got a lot of work...
piled up from before and...Copy !req
227. - I'll be back late tonight, OK?
- Yeah, take your time.Copy !req
228. Your daddy really misses
your mommy, kid. I miss her too.Copy !req
229. Especially right now.Copy !req
230. Oh, Jesus!Copy !req
231. Yeah.Copy !req
232. - You wanted to see me, Ollie?
- Yeah, come on in.Copy !req
233. I didn't think you were gonna be in
this week. How you doin'?Copy !req
234. - You all right?
- I'm fine.Copy !req
235. Look, this piece in the Post.
Why didn't you call me when this broke?Copy !req
236. - I had to read about it in New Jersey.
- It's cool. The nurse is a fan.Copy !req
237. Will she still be a fan when the Enquirer
flashes a stack of 50s in her face?Copy !req
238. Listen, something like this breaks,
I'm not in the city,Copy !req
239. you find me or you find another job.Copy !req
240. Yeah, OK.Copy !req
241. OK.Copy !req
242. What else do we got?Copy !req
243. Will Smith.Copy !req
244. - Who?
- The Fresh Prince?Copy !req
245. “DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince”
Fresh Prince?Copy !req
246. - Yeah.
- What about him?Copy !req
247. You remember the first album,
the one with “Girls Ain't...Copy !req
248. - Rock the House. Yeah?
- Rock the House, right.Copy !req
249. You remember on the cover of the album
Jazzy Jeff is holding a model of a house?Copy !req
250. Vaguely.Copy !req
251. Will Smith is donating that house
to the Hard Rock Cafe.Copy !req
252. Well, stop the presses.
You put the word out yet?Copy !req
253. - Date pending, yeah.
- Anybody give a shit?Copy !req
254. - Every outlet wants in.
- You're kidding me?Copy !req
255. No.
Even US News and World Report.Copy !req
256. Why? It's an eight-year-old album.Copy !req
257. Doesn't matter. Everyone loves
that Fresh Prince TV show.Copy !req
258. He's got that movie coming out
in a couple of weeks, Independence Day.Copy !req
259. - Let the film division handle it.
- No, we can't.Copy !req
260. Will wants to keep his music career
separate from his movie career.Copy !req
261. Like the Fresh Prince of Bel Air
is ever gonna have a movie career.Copy !req
262. Get me everything you can. I'll put together
a press kit on him, and we'll just do it.Copy !req
263. OK.Copy !req
264. - Patty, get me Kirsch.
- Sure, Ollie.Copy !req
265. I can handle this Fresh Prince stuff
if you wanna take a couple of days...Copy !req
266. Hey, Arthur, I can do my job.
I'm all set, OK? You do your job. Go ahead.Copy !req
267. Patty, did you not hear me? I asked you
to please get Kirsch on the phone.Copy !req
268. - Ollie?
- I'm trying.Copy !req
269. What, man?Copy !req
270. I know I told you at the funeral,
but I'm really sorry...Copy !req
271. I'm fine.
OK, Arthur? I am fine!Copy !req
272. Please go do
what I asked you to do now.Copy !req
273. - Kirschner on one.
- OK! Put him on the phone then!Copy !req
274. - How's the baby?
- The baby is fine, Arthur!Copy !req
275. Forget about the baby!
I just wanna do my job!Copy !req
276. Jesus Christ, Ollie!
What the hell you screamin' about?Copy !req
277. Patty, was that...Copy !req
278. I'm working on that right now.
Don't worry.Copy !req
279. Just get there early
and deal with the menu. OK?Copy !req
280. Hey! Are you deaf?
The kid is cryin' up there.Copy !req
281. Can you deal with that? I'm doing
something important. OK? Thanks.Copy !req
282. What the hell could be more
important than your kid crying?Copy !req
283. I have a memorabilia donation
ceremony in the morningCopy !req
284. that my company is treating
like a royal weddingCopy !req
285. 'cause apparently the client's the most
beloved American musician since Elvis.Copy !req
286. The kid's been screaming
for the last ten minutes.Copy !req
287. If it bothers you so much,
go up there and give her a bottle. OK?Copy !req
288. Sorry. It's a nightmare
trying to work at this house.Copy !req
289. Jesus! Let me call you back, OK?Copy !req
290. - What, Dad?
- Listen, kid.Copy !req
291. I lost a wife too, remember?
So I get how you're feelin'. But come on.Copy !req
292. You were married for what, 20 years?
I got about 20 minutes.Copy !req
293. So you don't “get”
how I'm feeling at all, OK?Copy !req
294. I'm sorry, Oliver, but that don't change
the fact that you're a goddamn father nowCopy !req
295. and you haven't acted like it
since that kid got home from the hospital!Copy !req
296. I been calling in sick for a month to do
the things you're supposed to be doin'!Copy !req
297. Jesus Christ, if Gertie could see
the shit you've been pulling...Copy !req
298. Gertie doesn't see anything anymore,
Dad. She's dead.Copy !req
299. Yeah, she's dead.Copy !req
300. But you ain't.
And neither is that kid.Copy !req
301. Yeah. It's nothin'.Copy !req
302. All right, so I'm gonna do the kit.
It's almost finished.Copy !req
303. You can deal with the menu.
What time's Will getting there?Copy !req
304. Dad, the baby's up!Copy !req
305. Dad! The baby needs to be fed!Copy !req
306. Dad!Copy !req
307. What the hell...?Copy !req
308. Are you nuts?
What, are you trying to get killed?Copy !req
309. - What are you doing?
- Searching for Christ. What's it look like?Copy !req
310. It would have been nice if you'd told me
you were leaving the house!Copy !req
311. That way, I could've given you the baby
instead of driving all the way down here!Copy !req
312. - Now I'm gonna hit traffic!
- No, you ain't giving me the baby.Copy !req
313. Hey! Excuse me?Copy !req
314. I got uptown and downtown
to do this morning.Copy !req
315. - You're on your own with the kid today.
- What? No!Copy !req
316. I have this press conference I have to do
this morning, Dad! You know that!Copy !req
317. - I got a job to do too.
- If I don't leave right now...Copy !req
318. - So leave!
- And do what with the baby?Copy !req
319. - Take her with you!
- Goddamn it! I...Copy !req
320. Look, I know I haven't been
helping out that much with the baby...Copy !req
321. Listen to you, “Helping out
that much with the baby.”Copy !req
322. She's your daughter,
for Christ's sakes!Copy !req
323. - What am I supposed to do with her?
- Try acting like her father, shithead!Copy !req
324. Goddamn it!Copy !req
325. Folks, I'm sorry.Copy !req
326. - Sorry. Steve.
- What the...?Copy !req
327. - I ordered diapers. Did they get here yet?
- You mean baby diapers?Copy !req
328. Why didn't you start half an hour ago?
You shouldn't have waited for me!Copy !req
329. - We're waiting for Will.
- Will's not here?Copy !req
330. - No.
- Are either of you guys Trinket?Copy !req
331. - Close enough. Where is he?
- We're not sure.Copy !req
332. Damn! That baby smells like shit.
You know that, right?Copy !req
333. It's a good thing
you finally showed up, man.Copy !req
334. - They're gettin' all rowdy out there.
- Oh, Mother of God!Copy !req
335. - What? Jesus...
- Ollie!Copy !req
336. Ollie, the guy from Rolling Stone...
Holy shit! What is that smell?Copy !req
337. Grow up, Susan! It's a dirty diaper.
What did the Rolling Stone guy say?Copy !req
338. If we don't start in five minutes,
they're leavingCopy !req
339. to go cover the Blues Traveler
signing at Tower.Copy !req
340. - Jesus Christ!
- Hey, you're doing that wrong.Copy !req
341. - What?
- You're doing that wrong.Copy !req
342. You're supposed to wipe front to back.
You're wiping back to front.Copy !req
343. You do that, you're just wiping
the poop into her...Copy !req
344. crevice.Copy !req
345. Get outta here! Beat it!Copy !req
346. Mark my words,
you're gonna give her the crotch-rot.Copy !req
347. - Would one of you do... You do this.
- Oh, not me. No.Copy !req
348. Will you do this
so I can go out there and calm them down?Copy !req
349. Why, because I'm a girl?
I've never even seen a naked baby. No!Copy !req
350. Fine. Thank you very much.
I'm gonna remember this.Copy !req
351. - How much of this am I supposed to use?
- Should I get that guy back?Copy !req
352. If it's for the smell,
I suggest you use a lot.Copy !req
353. You gotta turn... turn it.
You gotta turn the top!Copy !req
354. Oh! Direct it at the baby.Copy !req
355. Thank you! Go out there, please,
and tell them we're about to start!Copy !req
356. I'd say more.Copy !req
357. That's a lot.Copy !req
358. All right,
the Fresh Prince is almost here.Copy !req
359. Is that blow on your shirt?Copy !req
360. What do you think, Stretch?
This is show business, right?Copy !req
361. - That was a joke, people.
- Where's the Fresh Prince?Copy !req
362. The Fresh Prince is on his way.Copy !req
363. - It's crying. Will you take it?
- No! No.Copy !req
364. Is that Jazzy Jeff?Copy !req
365. This is bullshit!
Where's the Fresh Prince?Copy !req
366. Will someone please shut that girl up?Copy !req
367. Enough with the Romper Room, man!
Bring out the Fresh Prince!Copy !req
368. Fresh Prince! Fresh Prince!Copy !req
369. Please take her.Copy !req
370. I...Copy !req
371. Goddamn it! Christ!
Give her to me! Give me the baby.Copy !req
372. Would you people just shut the hell up
with the “Fresh Prince” already?Copy !req
373. He's a two-bit TV actor...Copy !req
374. who won't be around any longer
than it takes for the ink to dryCopy !req
375. on the pages of the worthless rags
you jerk-offs write for!Copy !req
376. Shit.Copy !req
377. - That guy's toast.
- That's a hell of a quote.Copy !req
378. It's all right, Arthur.Copy !req
379. We won't be here too long, Dad.Copy !req
380. We'll be out of your hair
as soon as I get another job.Copy !req
381. I have some feelers out
to the other firms right now.Copy !req
382. As soon as this whole thing
blows over...Copy !req
383. It's OK to stay here as long as you need
to, till you get back on your feet.Copy !req
384. - I appreciate that.
- On one condition.Copy !req
385. - Here we go.
- You put the kid to bed every night.Copy !req
386. - That's it?
- For starters.Copy !req
387. And no whores.
I don't want no whores in my house.Copy !req
388. I'm not really a whoremonger, Dad.Copy !req
389. Here, the kid gets this.Copy !req
390. That's cute.
8:00, you both get a bottle.Copy !req
391. Just shut the hell up and go be a father,
would ya, please?Copy !req
392. No?Copy !req
393. Yeah, this is only temporary,
us... you know...Copy !req
394. living with your grandfather here.Copy !req
395. So...Copy !req
396. how about that Fresh Prince thing?Copy !req
397. It was quite a show.Copy !req
398. Your dad's one big horse's ass.Copy !req
399. Daddy's ex-bosses said
the guys who did PR for HitlerCopy !req
400. have a better chance of working in
this business again than Daddy does.Copy !req
401. So, OK...Copy !req
402. How're you doin'?Copy !req
403. Yeah... You know,
you kinda look like your mom.Copy !req
404. Like a squishier,
balder version of your mom.Copy !req
405. Man...Copy !req
406. I just wish you could've gotten
to meet your mom.Copy !req
407. I know she wanted to meet you...
in a big, bad way.Copy !req
408. In a big, bad way.Copy !req
409. Sometimes, Daddy wishes
he'd have died instead of Mommy.Copy !req
410. Because Mommy never would've...Copy !req
411. let work get in the way of...
getting to know you,Copy !req
412. like Daddy has for the last...
month or so.Copy !req
413. It's just that Daddy...
he didn't expect Mommy...Copy !req
414. to leave the way she did.Copy !req
415. It's just really hard on Daddy, who's been
trying to fill up his days with work,Copy !req
416. so he wouldn't have to think about
Mommy never being around again.Copy !req
417. I just loved your mom so much.Copy !req
418. You know?Copy !req
419. She really lit my world on fire.Copy !req
420. When that happens...Copy !req
421. you kinda think it'll go on like that
until one of you dies. You know?Copy !req
422. You just don't expect...Copy !req
423. I miss her so much. So, so much.Copy !req
424. And you're a little piece of Mommy. And
that makes you really special to Daddy.Copy !req
425. Just don't go anywhere.Copy !req
426. 'Cause you're the next best thing
to Mommy, and I love you so much.Copy !req
427. And I'll always be here for you.Copy !req
428. And I'm sorry about
the way I've been acting.Copy !req
429. I promise you...
I'll be better now.Copy !req
430. I'm gonna be the best daddy
in the world.Copy !req
431. 'Cause that's what Mommy wanted.
And that's what you deserve.Copy !req
432. And that's all I am now.Copy !req
433. I'm just your dad.Copy !req
434. Your dad likes to run off at the mouth
sometimes, I know.Copy !req
435. Your mother wasn't a fan, either.Copy !req
436. You wanna see a picture
of your mom? I have one.Copy !req
437. This was your mommy.
She was really pretty.Copy !req
438. OK. You can keep it.Copy !req
439. Daddy's got a bunch.Copy !req
440. There you go.Copy !req
441. Goodnight, Gertie.Copy !req
442. Gertie!Copy !req
443. Your chariot awaits, Princess.Copy !req
444. Let's go!Copy !req
445. We gotta go! Argh!Copy !req
446. - How was school, good?
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
447. - You have a nice time?
- Yep.Copy !req
448. Remember to put your seat belt on?
Know where to find it?Copy !req
449. Yep.Copy !req
450. Lock and load.
Comin' around. Get ready.Copy !req
451. - Ready?
- Punch it, Chewy!Copy !req
452. - Can we go see Cats?
- Absolutely not.Copy !req
453. Why?Copy !req
454. Cats was the second-worst thing
that ever happened to New York City.Copy !req
455. - Besides, Cats closed three years ago.
- We never do anything cool.Copy !req
456. You're ridin' in the Batmobile,
aren't ya? How cool is that?Copy !req
457. Oh, my God.Copy !req
458. Look, no one's more depressed than me
that driving the street sweeperCopy !req
459. is considered the height
of excitement in my life.Copy !req
460. I used to live in New York City.Copy !req
461. I could've gone to see Cats
three times a day.Copy !req
462. - It's not like I ever ask for anything.
- Oh-ho-ho!Copy !req
463. “And the Oscar goes to Gertie Trinke,Copy !req
464. for her performance in
Laying It On Thick For My Old Man.”Copy !req
465. What is it with you and Cats
all of a sudden?Copy !req
466. I wanna sing a Cats song
in the big show, like everybody else.Copy !req
467. - What big show?
- There's gonna be this big show at school.Copy !req
468. All the people have to sing a song
with people from their family.Copy !req
469. - Are you inviting me to this big show?
- Duh! Yeah, you and Pop too.Copy !req
470. Oh-ho! I'm sure that'll go over
huge with your pop.Copy !req
471. Can Uncle Greenie and Uncle Block
be in it too?Copy !req
472. Those men are not your uncles.
They're barely even your peers.Copy !req
473. Pee-ers?Copy !req
474. - When is this big show?
- Right before Thanksgiving break.Copy !req
475. Does it have to be something
from the Bible?Copy !req
476. I don't think so.
Is Cats in the Bible?Copy !req
477. The Satanic Bible, yes.Copy !req
478. - What?
- When you taking her to see the cats?Copy !req
479. Jesus, you too?Copy !req
480. Gertie!Copy !req
481. Do you even know what Cats is, Dad?Copy !req
482. - What, I don't read the papers?
- You don't read that paper.Copy !req
483. What are you doing with
a New York Times?Copy !req
484. They ran out of the Ledger.Copy !req
485. They don't have the Jumble
in the Times, Dad.Copy !req
486. Shit.Copy !req
487. - Where were you?
- I was in the bathroom.Copy !req
488. - Why didn't I hear the toilet flush?
- Oh. I forgot.Copy !req
489. OK, march your butt back upstairs
and flush that toilet.Copy !req
490. And when I say no about something,Copy !req
491. like, I don't know, Cats, maybe,
I mean no.Copy !req
492. OK?Copy !req
493. - Pop, you were supposed to be subtle!
- Why do you teach her words like that?Copy !req
494. You're gonna have to mow the park
for me tomorrow. I can't do it.Copy !req
495. - Why the hell not?
- I have an appointment in the city at 11:00.Copy !req
496. Jesus, kid,
why do you keep doin' it to yourself?Copy !req
497. How many of these interviews
you gotta go onCopy !req
498. before you get it through
your thick headCopy !req
499. they don't want you
in that business anymore?Copy !req
500. For Christ's sakes, you made fun
of that Prince Charles guy.Copy !req
501. Thank you.Copy !req
502. First of all, Dad,
I didn't “make fun” of anybody.Copy !req
503. I made one remark about Will Smith,
the Fresh Prince.Copy !req
504. Sooner or later,
everyone's gonna forget about thatCopy !req
505. and I'm gonna go back to doing
what I'm really good at,Copy !req
506. instead of sweeping streets
and plowing snow and picking up garbage.Copy !req
507. OK?Copy !req
508. If you're going into the city anyway,
at least take the kid to see the cats.Copy !req
509. Oh, God...Copy !req
510. I'll tell you what,
since there is no more Cats,Copy !req
511. Gertie, why don't you come over here and
pick out another play that you wanna see?Copy !req
512. Look through here.
Anything you want. Go nuts.Copy !req
513. - Cats is a show?
- Yeah, you read the papers.Copy !req
514. You think you're slick,
don't ya, young lady?Copy !req
515. Next time you're lookin'
for a partner in crime,Copy !req
516. you're gonna have to aim higher
than your grandfather.Copy !req
517. - He's soft in the head.
- I heard that!Copy !req
518. Here. Can we go see this show?Copy !req
519. Sweeney Todd? Do you know
that this has a lot of singing?Copy !req
520. - It's still a play.
- OK. I'm just checking.Copy !req
521. Your dad one time lost a bet
with someone at his work,Copy !req
522. and he had to go see a singing play,
done by people on roller skates.Copy !req
523. - Cool!
- Your dad didn't think so.Copy !req
524. I handled primarily
recording artistsCopy !req
525. but when I initially trained,
I trained in film PR, so I can do that too.Copy !req
526. I... took the last six or seven years off.
I was raising my daughter in New Jersey.Copy !req
527. But I kept abreast, so...
I'm pretty comfortable jumping back in.Copy !req
528. What else can I tell you guys?Copy !req
529. That's it.
I can start, you know, right away.Copy !req
530. You guys all right?Copy !req
531. Are you the Ollie Trinke? The one
who used to work at Mandell Kirschner?Copy !req
532. Yeah.Copy !req
533. - Son of a bitch!
- Yes! I told you, Reynolds! Pay up!Copy !req
534. - I got it.
- Am I missin' somethin'?Copy !req
535. Nah, nah, he just bet me
you were the Ollie Trinke,Copy !req
536. the one who pulled “The Fresh Prince”.Copy !req
537. - They named it?
- Of course!Copy !req
538. Are you kidding?
You're a legend, man!Copy !req
539. You did what every flack
only dreams about doing!Copy !req
540. - Which was what?
- You went apeshit!Copy !req
541. You trashed your client
back to the Stone Age.Copy !req
542. - Yeah.
- We bow to you, man.Copy !req
543. - You're like a god around here.
- Yep, exactly.Copy !req
544. - God enough to get a job?
- No.Copy !req
545. - What, are you insane?
- No chance, Trinke!Copy !req
546. - Pop, I'm home!
- Yeah, like I give a shit.Copy !req
547. You know, thanks a lot, Pop!Copy !req
548. - That's what it looks like?
- I guess.Copy !req
549. - What does yours look like?
- Not like that.Copy !req
550. Yeah? Let me see.Copy !req
551. All right.Copy !req
552. Gertie!
It's time for Bryan to go home.Copy !req
553. OK...Copy !req
554. What are your intentions?Copy !req
555. What are your intentions
with my daughter?Copy !req
556. - Do you plan on marrying her?
- I don't know.Copy !req
557. Well, only married boys and girls...Copy !req
558. show each other their...Copy !req
559. their, you know...Copy !req
560. parts.Copy !req
561. OK?Copy !req
562. OK, Bryan, you can go now.
If you come back, come back with a ring.Copy !req
563. Yes, Mr. Trinke.Copy !req
564. - Bye, Gertie.
- Bye.Copy !req
565. Goodbye, Bryan.Copy !req
566. OK.Copy !req
567. Do you have any...Copy !req
568. questions about what you...Copy !req
569. you know...Copy !req
570. you know, whatever, saw?Copy !req
571. Do you have what Bryan has?Copy !req
572. Yes, I have one... too.Copy !req
573. Is yours as big as his?Copy !req
574. Sadly, yes.Copy !req
575. - Can we rent a movie?
- Yes.Copy !req
576. - So they wouldn't give you a job?
- No. But apparently, Daddy's a legend.Copy !req
577. You don't need that job anyway.
You already got a job.Copy !req
578. Yes, well,
Daddy used to have a jobCopy !req
579. where a nightly shower was an option,
not a necessity.Copy !req
580. - You know what job you should do?
- What's that?Copy !req
581. You should be a dance teacher,
like Johnny in Dirty Dancing.Copy !req
582. I should? Should I say,
“Nobody puts Baby in a corner”?Copy !req
583. Oh, can we rent
Dirty Dancing again?Copy !req
584. Dirty Dancing ranks one notch
below Cats in my book.Copy !req
585. Can you pick out something else?Copy !req
586. Can we rent this?Copy !req
587. Absolutely not. Go pick out something
from the children's section.Copy !req
588. - All those movies suck.
- Watch your language.Copy !req
589. Nah, that's...Copy !req
590. No, I guess that's it.
Yep, yep, that's it.Copy !req
591. I'll just take this
and whatever the kid's getting.Copy !req
592. Just go ahead and put it in the bag.
I'm all set.Copy !req
593. It's good.Copy !req
594. “Bi-Bi Guys, featuring Curious Jordie”?Copy !req
595. Interesting choice. Does the wife know
you're looking into your options?Copy !req
596. It's... I got the...Copy !req
597. - I got the wrong box by accident.
- Oh, right.Copy !req
598. Would you mind...
exchanging that for me for something...Copy !req
599. anything you can get your hands on
that's, you know...Copy !req
600. - So, then you want something...
- ... that's non-bi.Copy !req
601. Can I have your
membership card, please?Copy !req
602. Yeah, sure.Copy !req
603. Do you mind if I asked you a few questions
about your renting practices?Copy !req
604. Sure.Copy !req
605. Really?Copy !req
606. Do you always rent adult titles with your
daughter in tow, or is this the first time?Copy !req
607. Excuse me?Copy !req
608. When you rent porn, do you
usually do it with family around,Copy !req
609. or is this like a, you know,
special occasion?Copy !req
610. - Do I have to answer this?
- I'm a grad student, writing a thesis paper.Copy !req
611. “A Bird in the Hand: The Family Man
and the Pornographic Fixation”.Copy !req
612. OK. I would rather not take part.Copy !req
613. Really?Copy !req
614. Frank, is Bi-Bi Guys
a one or a two-night rental?Copy !req
615. - What are you getting, Daddy?
- Yeah, Daddy. Let's just take a look...Copy !req
616. Let's not, OK?Copy !req
617. Would you mind not asking me those
questions when my daughter's with me?Copy !req
618. How about when you bring these back?Copy !req
619. That's... Yeah.Copy !req
620. In an effort to get honest feedback,
leave the kid and the wife at home.Copy !req
621. My mom's dead.
She died when I was born.Copy !req
622. Oh, Jesus.Copy !req
623. Man, I'm sorry. I didn't...Copy !req
624. No, you didn't.Copy !req
625. Let's go.Copy !req
626. I'm sorry.Copy !req
627. Do I have to?Copy !req
628. Major Damage didn't have to go to bed
when he fought the Tiki Terrors!Copy !req
629. - Melvin!
- And do they...Copy !req
630. I'll get it.Copy !req
631. You will not. You're not even
supposed to be up this late.Copy !req
632. Watch your video.Copy !req
633. - But, Mom!
- Say, “OK, Mom.”Copy !req
634. Say, “OK, Mom.”Copy !req
635. Hi.Copy !req
636. Hey! You're the lady
from the video store.Copy !req
637. Let's not use that term too loosely, OK?
Go back and watch your video.Copy !req
638. Yes?Copy !req
639. I just wanted to come hereCopy !req
640. and tell you that I'm really sorry
about earlier tonight.Copy !req
641. I feel like shit about what I said
and your daughter and everything.Copy !req
642. Well... you should.Copy !req
643. You know that kid was crying
in the car the whole way home?Copy !req
644. - Oh, no...
- No, I wasn't.Copy !req
645. - Get back inside and watch your video!
- Nice! Real nice.Copy !req
646. See, now you have to let me
interview you for my paper.Copy !req
647. Is that why you're here?Copy !req
648. I just think you'd make one hell of
an interesting case study.Copy !req
649. The sympathetic widower who doesn't have
time to date 'cause he's raising a kid,Copy !req
650. so he rents porn instead. I mean,
I think that's very interesting stuff.Copy !req
651. Jesus Christ!
You've got some nerve, lady.Copy !req
652. And besides,
I'd really like to make it up to you.Copy !req
653. For what I said,
and for embarrassing you before that.Copy !req
654. You're really having a banner evening.
You're batting a thousand tonight.Copy !req
655. You're Ollie, right?
I'm Maya Harding.Copy !req
656. “Hi, Maya. Nice to meet you.”Copy !req
657. Hi.Copy !req
658. Come on, why don't you let me
take you out one day this week?Copy !req
659. You do eat lunch when you're not
knee-deep in adult movies, right?Copy !req
660. I appreciate it, but...
no thanks.Copy !req
661. Ollie, come on,
you're ruining my karma level here.Copy !req
662. What, buying me one lunch
is gonna square you with Krishna?Copy !req
663. Hare Hare!Copy !req
664. Is Monday OK? Sound good?Copy !req
665. I mean, I was thinking nothing fancy.
I was thinking maybe, like, the diner.Copy !req
666. - Around noon?
- No!Copy !req
667. Noon it is!Copy !req
668. Oh...Copy !req
669. See you there. Bye!Copy !req
670. An incredibly strange woman.Copy !req
671. I did not hear the toilet flush.Copy !req
672. Thank you.Copy !req
673. - Can we get popcorn?
- This isn't the movies, sweetheart.Copy !req
674. They don't sell popcorn here.
This is Broadway. This is class.Copy !req
675. OK. You see that floor.
Now look three windows in from the right.Copy !req
676. See that window? That's where we
used to live before we lived with Pop.Copy !req
677. We'd still live there
if we lived in the city.Copy !req
678. - If Mommy was still alive?
- Yep.Copy !req
679. - Dad...
- Yes?Copy !req
680. Do you miss Mommy?Copy !req
681. I do. Every day.Copy !req
682. - What was she like?
- I've told you a million times.Copy !req
683. - I know, but I forget.
- No, I don't think you forget.Copy !req
684. I think you just like to hear me tell you.
Which is OK. It's all right.Copy !req
685. You can ask about your mommy
as much as you want.Copy !req
686. So tell me already.Copy !req
687. Well, she was pushy,
like you were right there.Copy !req
688. She was beautiful,
like you are right now.Copy !req
689. And she was... smart...Copy !req
690. and strong,
like you'll grow up to be one day.Copy !req
691. I'm smart now.Copy !req
692. I know. I wasn't impugning
your intelligence or anything.Copy !req
693. What's “impugning” mean?Copy !req
694. Oh, not so smart now, are you?Copy !req
695. - That's a big word.
- Yes, you're right, it is.Copy !req
696. Let's see.
To impugn means to criticize.Copy !req
697. So... Pop's always impugning you, right?Copy !req
698. Well, he thinks he is.Copy !req
699. But he's just talking
to make sure he's still alive.Copy !req
700. Pop is a very, very old man.Copy !req
701. What do you think?
You like the city?Copy !req
702. It's OK.
But I like Highlands better.Copy !req
703. - You do?
- Yeah.Copy !req
704. My school's there, and my friends...
And we can rent movies there.Copy !req
705. Well, if memory serves,
you can rent movies here too.Copy !req
706. Yeah, but not from that pretty lady
at the video store.Copy !req
707. - Oh, you think she's pretty, do you?
- Don't you?Copy !req
708. Isn't that why
you're taking her on a date?Copy !req
709. It's not a date.
The only girl I take on dates is you, OK?Copy !req
710. This is a date.
We're on a date.Copy !req
711. - We are?
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
712. - It doesn't feel like a date.
- It doesn't?Copy !req
713. Well, I can fix that.Copy !req
714. Sir!Copy !req
715. How often do you rent adult movies?Copy !req
716. - Do I really have to do this?
- You have nothing to be ashamed about.Copy !req
717. Interest in adult film can be healthy,
as long as it's not habitual.Copy !req
718. - So come on, how often?
- Three or four times a week.Copy !req
719. OK, maybe I was wrong.
You should be ashamed.Copy !req
720. You have a real talent
for making the subject feel openCopy !req
721. and comfortable
in a safe environment.Copy !req
722. So you're renting it presumably
to masturbate to, right?Copy !req
723. - Good God!
- Come on, don't be such a tight-ass.Copy !req
724. We're all adults here.Copy !req
725. I know I'm an adult.
How old are you, exactly?Copy !req
726. - I'll be 26 in March.
- 26?Copy !req
727. You still haven't learned some things
aren't polite to talk about in public?Copy !req
728. If it makes you feel any better,
I do it, like, twice a day.Copy !req
729. - Good God!
- What can I tell ya? I get bored easily.Copy !req
730. You're gonna get
carpal tunnel syndrome.Copy !req
731. Don't get all judgmental with me.
You're no slouch yourself.Copy !req
732. - Well, no, I...
- I just have a healthy sexual appetite.Copy !req
733. Why don't you go out
and get yourself a boyfriend?Copy !req
734. Why don't you just go out
and get yourself a girlfriend?Copy !req
735. I work all day,
I hang out with my kid all night.Copy !req
736. So you'd rather hang out with your kid
than get laid?Copy !req
737. - Yeah.
- Aw... that's kinda sweet.Copy !req
738. I'm kinda crushin' on
you right now, Trinke.Copy !req
739. OK. Can I go home now?Copy !req
740. No.
When was the last time you had sex?Copy !req
741. I would rather not
disclose that information.Copy !req
742. Oh, come on,
don't clam up on me now.Copy !req
743. You're gonna remain anonymous
in my paper.Copy !req
744. Ha! Anonymity doesn't concern me.
Embarrassment does.Copy !req
745. - Why would you be embarrassed?
- Because it's been a long time.Copy !req
746. - How long?
- A long time.Copy !req
747. Come on, champ. Own it.
Just put it out there.Copy !req
748. I swear I won't make
any editorial cracks about it.Copy !req
749. Not in front of you, at least.Copy !req
750. - Seven years.
- Seven years?Copy !req
751. Since my wife died, yeah.Copy !req
752. You know, a dumbfounded,
mouth-agape look of shockCopy !req
753. might be construed by some
as an editorial crack too.Copy !req
754. - I'm sorry.
- It's OK. It's fine.Copy !req
755. No, it's not.
I mean, it's not at all.Copy !req
756. With all due respect to your wife,
you've gotta get back on the horse, man.Copy !req
757. - No, I don't, actually.
- Yes, you do.Copy !req
758. - No, I don't.
- Yes, you... Get up.Copy !req
759. - Are we done?
- With this, for now. But come with me.Copy !req
760. Lord have mercy.Copy !req
761. - Where are we going?
- To your place.Copy !req
762. We're gonna have some sex.Copy !req
763. - What, did you forget something?
- No. Look, I appreciate the offer.Copy !req
764. I'm very flattered.
But I can't do this.Copy !req
765. What's the matter?
Don't you think I'm cute?Copy !req
766. - Of course I think you're cute.
- Well, then?Copy !req
767. Look, I'm not just celibate
because of my daughter.Copy !req
768. There are a lot of emotional
issues in it too.Copy !req
769. I mean, my wife may be dead.
I'm still very much in love with her.Copy !req
770. Hey, I respect that. I'm not telling you
to fall in love with me here,Copy !req
771. and I'm not trying to replace your wife.Copy !req
772. I'm just talking about two consenting
adults having some casual sex.Copy !req
773. Probably some really short casual sex,
with you being a little out of practice.Copy !req
774. - I can't do it, I'm sorry.
- What are you, a monk?Copy !req
775. God!
Let's look at this logically, OK?Copy !req
776. - You rent porn and touch yourself, right?
- Would you lower your voice?Copy !req
777. If you're not sweating how your wife
would feel about you and porn,Copy !req
778. then you shouldn't sweat what
I'm proposing 'cause it's the same thing.Copy !req
779. Only somebody else is doing the touching
and you're saving a $2 rental fee.Copy !req
780. Come on, stud.
Man cannot live on porn alone.Copy !req
781. Oh, God...Copy !req
782. I'm home!Copy !req
783. Pop?Copy !req
784. - Oh, my God... What do I do?
- Get in the bathroom!Copy !req
785. - Pop?
- No, honey, it's me.Copy !req
786. Daddy? Why aren't you at work?Copy !req
787. Because I had to come home and do...
I had to...Copy !req
788. come home and take a shower.Copy !req
789. - Can we rent a movie?
- Yeah, sure, sure, sure.Copy !req
790. As soon as I get done up here
and dry off, I'll come down.Copy !req
791. OK.Copy !req
792. Oh, my God. That was so close.Copy !req
793. What do we do now? I'm wet.Copy !req
794. Sorry, Dad, I forgot again.Copy !req
795. Hi, honey.Copy !req
796. You remember Maya.
From the video store.Copy !req
797. - What are your intentions?
- Excuse me?Copy !req
798. What are your intentions
with my father?Copy !req
799. Like, do you plan on marrying him?Copy !req
800. I don't...Copy !req
801. Because I was taught that only married
girls show their girl parts to boys.Copy !req
802. - Right, Daddy?
- Right. Yes.Copy !req
803. Mm-hm.Copy !req
804. Can we rent all the movies we want
for free?Copy !req
805. What?Copy !req
806. Can we rent all the movies we want
for free?Copy !req
807. Yes! Yes, yes.
For God's sake, yes.Copy !req
808. If it means we're not, you know,
that we're not in trouble anymore.Copy !req
809. And... Right, Maya? Yes!Copy !req
810. Whatever you want.
It's on the house.Copy !req
811. Even Dirty Dancing?Copy !req
812. Yeah.Copy !req
813. And we can do Sweeney Todd
for the show at school?Copy !req
814. What?Copy !req
815. We can do Sweeney Todd
for the show at school?Copy !req
816. - No, honey, that's too grown-up.
- Really?Copy !req
817. Oh man, what am I gonna tell Pop
about you guys?Copy !req
818. Fine. We can do Sweeney Todd
for the show at school.Copy !req
819. OK!Copy !req
820. Would you shut the hell up already?
Christ, Greenie, you're always...Copy !req
821. - Oh, Jesus.
- Oh!Copy !req
822. Christ Almighty.
You wearin' a... wearin' a towel?Copy !req
823. Just as long as you didn't do it
on my bed.Copy !req
824. Oh, Jesus Christ, it was one time in
high school! You wanna let it go already?Copy !req
825. I banged a broad
in my parents' bed once. It was nice.Copy !req
826. Terrific. Just so you know,
we didn't “bang”.Copy !req
827. - What, did ya get to third base?
- No!Copy !req
828. Not that it's any of your business,
but we didn't do anything.Copy !req
829. We lost our heads for a second,
then cooler heads prevailedCopy !req
830. and we stopped before we
did anything we'd both regret.Copy !req
831. - The kid busted in on 'em.
- Oh.Copy !req
832. Let's talk about something else
for a second, like this water main.Copy !req
833. - How bad is it?
- Definitely needs to be replaced.Copy !req
834. Jesus Christ. If we gotta shut down
Bay Avenue for that,Copy !req
835. this town is gonna throw a shit fit.Copy !req
836. I'm sure.Copy !req
837. Hey, kid, you haven't had to inconvenience
the taxpayers on the job yet.Copy !req
838. They get like animals.
Remember back in '88?Copy !req
839. South Peak Street.Copy !req
840. Holy shit, I thought they were gonna
crucify us upside down.Copy !req
841. - Like St Peter.
- Who are you, the Holy Father?Copy !req
842. Everybody knows I meant St Peter.
You don't have to explain my shit.Copy !req
843. I'm just saying...Copy !req
844. When I was down there,
how many cars did you wave around?Copy !req
845. Three or four.Copy !req
846. Three or four cars
for the whole half hour I was down there?Copy !req
847. Well, it was rush hour.Copy !req
848. Yeah, I don't think the legion of commuters
in the Highlands of New JerseyCopy !req
849. are gonna object to us closing down a
small portion of Bay Avenue for a few days.Copy !req
850. One at a time, please! One at a time!Copy !req
851. - We're doing the best we can.
- You were saying?Copy !req
852. Why doesn't somebody just go up there
and explain to them what's happening?Copy !req
853. Why don't you do it, Daddy?
Wasn't that your old job?Copy !req
854. Making people like singers
by saying nice things about 'em?Copy !req
855. - Yes, baby, but...
- No, the kid's got a point there.Copy !req
856. As a guy who used to
sling bullshit for a living,Copy !req
857. I nominate you to go up there
and say something.Copy !req
858. - Oh, you do?
- Yeah.Copy !req
859. - It can't hurt.
- Go ahead.Copy !req
860. Thanks, Pop.Copy !req
861. Control yourselves!Copy !req
862. He's goin' up there.Copy !req
863. Folks, one second.
Please. Folks.Copy !req
864. My name's Oliver Trinke
and I'm with the borough.Copy !req
865. So I guess that makes me
the least popular guy in the room.Copy !req
866. I want to assure you that...Copy !req
867. this Bay Avenue job will be
a very minimal inconvenience.Copy !req
868. It'll only take three days at the most.Copy !req
869. Bullshit! Bullshit!Copy !req
870. Folks, a little decorum!
A little decorum!Copy !req
871. Folks, one second.Copy !req
872. I just have one more thing
that I just want to add.Copy !req
873. I live in this town. I see you guys
headin' to work every day.Copy !req
874. I'm telling you,
it was amazing!Copy !req
875. And I get up there and I weave this
web of bullshit so profoundly mesmerizing,Copy !req
876. - I turn the entire place around!
- You silver-tongued devil, you.Copy !req
877. Everything I was saying
was just right on the money, you know?Copy !req
878. Maybe that's 'cause you weren't actually
slinging as much bullshit as you thought.Copy !req
879. “Get out there and play in the dirt”?
I mean, what... I made that up!Copy !req
880. Sounds pretty good to me.
Hey, Gert.Copy !req
881. The sad thing is, I had a greater sense of
accomplishment from the water-main thingCopy !req
882. than anything else I've done
in the past seven years.Copy !req
883. I get it. I mean, you set out
to do something and you did it.Copy !req
884. So you feel drunk with power now.
Makes sense.Copy !req
885. That's just it. I was the youngest flack
ever put in charge of its entire division...Copy !req
886. in the history of
Mandell Kirschner.Copy !req
887. - I know.
- That's an accomplishment.Copy !req
888. Convincing a town to approve something
that's already in their best interest?Copy !req
889. - That's just delayed common sense.
- Yeah, but that's your life now.Copy !req
890. I mean, being the youngest flack
in the history of blah, blah, blah...Copy !req
891. that's not you anymore.
I mean, that might never have been you.Copy !req
892. Oh, it was me.
It was me with my own apartment,Copy !req
893. me richer, me with more self-respect.Copy !req
894. Like it or not, this is you.Copy !req
895. I mean, forget about what you thought
you were and just accept who you are.Copy !req
896. - I guess I'll just get this.
- Gert, what are you doing?Copy !req
897. I distinctly remember your father telling
you you could get Dirty Dancing.Copy !req
898. - Oh, yeah! He did!
- Yeah.Copy !req
899. Thanks for that, by the way.Copy !req
900. Incidentally, she's been asking me
when she's gonna grow boobies like yours.Copy !req
901. - Oh, my God!
- She's seven, OK?Copy !req
902. If you want, I can give her the old “boobie”
talk my mom gave me when I was a kid.Copy !req
903. Does that talk include
using the word “knockers”?Copy !req
904. I'm glad there's no, you know,
awkwardness between us.Copy !req
905. After the... well, the thing
that happened last week with...Copy !req
906. Ollie, I was gonna give you a mercy jump.Copy !req
907. The moment passed.
It's no big deal.Copy !req
908. - Just friends, right?
- Yeah, friends.Copy !req
909. “Mercy jump.”
Stay away from my kid.Copy !req
910. - No, that's too round.
- Shut up.Copy !req
911. - Shut up! Shut up!
- Just make it...Copy !req
912. - Would you shut the hell up?
- All right!Copy !req
913. There's people gettin'
their throats cut in this thing.Copy !req
914. Yep.Copy !req
915. And your father said
you could do this for the show?Copy !req
916. Yep.Copy !req
917. Why the hell would he
OK you singing this shit?Copy !req
918. Because I saw him and Maya
naked in the shower.Copy !req
919. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
920. That'll do it.Copy !req
921. Can I speak with
an Arthur Brickman, please?Copy !req
922. - Ollie.
- Arthur.Copy !req
923. - Hey, man.
- How're you doin'?Copy !req
924. - Good. How are you?
- Good. Good to see you.Copy !req
925. You know, the town voted unanimously,
approved the water main, so...Copy !req
926. You were always great with a crowd.Copy !req
927. Well, except that...
that once, of course.Copy !req
928. But that's it. It was the polar opposite
of the Fresh Prince incident.Copy !req
929. It was like I was on the top of my game.
Which is why I wanted to see ya.Copy !req
930. - I wanna ask you a favor.
- Anything, man. What?Copy !req
931. Is there any way that you could
get me an interview with your firm?Copy !req
932. You're serious?Copy !req
933. I thought it was weird
that you wanted to eat here.Copy !req
934. - Oh, I know it's gonna be tough...
- Tough?Copy !req
935. Ollie, you called a roomful of press
a bunch of jerk-offs,Copy !req
936. and trashed a client who's one of
the biggest movie stars on the planet.Copy !req
937. - He wasn't big then.
- No, but he is now.Copy !req
938. You wanna know how big?
When I left Mandell Kirschner,Copy !req
939. there were some firms that wouldn't
even look at my resume because I...Copy !req
940. No offense,
but because I worked under you.Copy !req
941. I've only been at Angellotti a year now...Copy !req
942. You know what, man? Forget I asked.
Don't worry about it. Seriously.Copy !req
943. - It was stupid. I got carried away...
- No, let me finish.Copy !req
944. What I was gonna say was...Copy !req
945. I've been waiting years to be in a position
to be able to help you out, and now I am.Copy !req
946. It's not gonna be an easy sell, but...Copy !req
947. I think I can get you in a room
with Angellotti himself.Copy !req
948. - Thank you so much.
- Of course.Copy !req
949. You know, you're a lot more affectionate
than I remember.Copy !req
950. It's just...
I miss it so much, you know?Copy !req
951. It's the only thing
I was ever any good at.Copy !req
952. Oh, this is great.
I can move back here...Copy !req
953. I can put Gertie in a really good,
expensive private school...Copy !req
954. I can get her a nanny, you know?Copy !req
955. It'll be like that whole Fresh Prince thing
never even happened.Copy !req
956. I'll work on the old man when I get back to
the office and call you tonight if it's a go.Copy !req
957. Oh, great.Copy !req
958. Come on, Pop! Do Dad's part.Copy !req
959. - Me?
- Yeah.Copy !req
960. Yeah, go do that.Copy !req
961. Hello? Hey, Arthur.Copy !req
962. You're kidding?Copy !req
963. Why do I have to sing your dad's part? I'm
supposed to be the guy who gets clipped.Copy !req
964. - You are, but you're Dad's understudy too.
- What the hell is that?Copy !req
965. It means if Daddy breaks a leg,
then you do his part for him.Copy !req
966. - So, come on, try it again.
- You're doin' good.Copy !req
967. Wait, wait, wait! I'm supposed
to be the understudy now.Copy !req
968. I cannot work like this.
I'm sorry.Copy !req
969. - This is no way to run a show.
- You were good.Copy !req
970. You can go back to waiting
in the wings, Tommy Tune.Copy !req
971. I'll be doin' my own singing
henceforth.Copy !req
972. - Who's Tommy Tune?
- Tommy Tune is a manCopy !req
973. that you can get a chance to see
live and on BroadwayCopy !req
974. when we move back to New York City!Copy !req
975. - What?
- What?Copy !req
976. - What?
- What?Copy !req
977. Yeah, what?Copy !req
978. I was just on the phone with an old friend
that I worked with at Mandell Kirschner.Copy !req
979. I had lunch with him and I asked him if
he'd get me an interview with his new firm.Copy !req
980. Jesus, another interview, Ollie?
Come on, when are you gonna learn?Copy !req
981. Well, smart guy, he just called me,
said he sat down with his boss,Copy !req
982. sold me to his boss
like I was the cure for cancer.Copy !req
983. It just so happens that a little spot
has opened up in their music department.Copy !req
984. Boom!
After six years of being a pariah,Copy !req
985. I'm gonna get back in!Copy !req
986. I'm talkin' about
no more street sweeper,Copy !req
987. no more picking up garbage,
and no more water main!Copy !req
988. I'm talking press lines,
I'm talking about parties!Copy !req
989. I'm talking about a Westside address,Copy !req
990. I'm talkin' about
a good school for Gertie!Copy !req
991. But I already go to a good school.Copy !req
992. Yes, honey, but you're gonna go to a
way, way better school in New York City.Copy !req
993. You're gonna be able to take the
subway to school. Won't that be fun?Copy !req
994. But the subway's full of junkies
and mole-men.Copy !req
995. - Well, they are.
- Don't listen to Pop.Copy !req
996. What do I tell you?
He makes things up!Copy !req
997. - You'll see. The subways are great.
- I don't wanna see.Copy !req
998. I don't wanna go to a school up in the city.
I wanna go to my school.Copy !req
999. Honey, it's gonna be too far of a drive
for me to come back down hereCopy !req
1000. to take you to school
in New Jersey every morning.Copy !req
1001. So let's not move to the city.
Let's stay here with Pop.Copy !req
1002. Sweetheart, I'm too old
to be living with my father.Copy !req
1003. I need to get my own place.Copy !req
1004. And Pop... I mean, look at him,
he's a mad-dog.Copy !req
1005. He doesn't want us around here
getting in his way, crampin' his style...Copy !req
1006. - Do you, Pop?
- That's all horseshit.Copy !req
1007. You know... thanks, Pop.Copy !req
1008. I don't wanna move to the city.
I like it here.Copy !req
1009. Pop says you can live here
as long as you want.Copy !req
1010. Baby, remember when I took you
to see Sweeney Todd?Copy !req
1011. How much fun was that?
We had a good time, right?Copy !req
1012. I mean, if we move to New York City,
we can do that every night!Copy !req
1013. Except for the nights you're working,
of course.Copy !req
1014. You know what? Why don't you
shut up for a second, OK?Copy !req
1015. I'm trying to talk to my daughter.Copy !req
1016. You love New York City.
You told me you loved the city.Copy !req
1017. - No, I didn't.
- Oh!Copy !req
1018. - I said it was OK.
- Jesus Christ!Copy !req
1019. I said I like Highlands better. Why would
you want some other job anyway, Dad?Copy !req
1020. You get to ride the Batmobile!Copy !req
1021. Baby, Daddy doesn't wanna
drive the Batmobile!Copy !req
1022. Daddy wants to eat sushi!
Daddy wants to hail cabs!Copy !req
1023. Daddy wants to have a doorman!Copy !req
1024. Daddy wants to lord it
over magazine editors!Copy !req
1025. Daddy loved his old job, and he's missed it
every day since he's been gone.Copy !req
1026. Daddy wants to do that job. Daddy doesn't
wanna pick up garbage forever!Copy !req
1027. But you told everybody at the meeting
that your job's goodCopy !req
1028. because you don't have to
wear a suit.Copy !req
1029. Yes, but Daddy was just saying that
to get them to say yes to a water main.Copy !req
1030. So you were just lying to everybody?Copy !req
1031. Look, OK, I'll tell you what.
I'll go to the meeting, all right?Copy !req
1032. If I don't like what the man says,
then I won't take the job.Copy !req
1033. Now you're lying to me!Copy !req
1034. All right, look, young lady! I'm gonna
go to this job interview on Monday,Copy !req
1035. whether you like it or not.Copy !req
1036. Wait, this Monday?Copy !req
1037. - Yes.
- Ollie, you can't go on Monday.Copy !req
1038. - Why?
- Because that's the day of my show!Copy !req
1039. Oh, shit. It is, isn't it?Copy !req
1040. Well, it's at four,
so I can, you know, make it back in time.Copy !req
1041. But my show's at five!Copy !req
1042. On what planet are you gonna
get back here by fiveCopy !req
1043. if you've got a meeting
in the city at four?Copy !req
1044. Just lay off me for a second!
I forgot about the show.Copy !req
1045. How could you forget?
What, are you stupid?Copy !req
1046. Gertie, this job
is very important to Daddy.Copy !req
1047. What about my show?
Isn't that important to you?Copy !req
1048. Yes, honey,
that's even more important to me.Copy !req
1049. Then don't go to your stupid meeting about
your stupid new job in the stupid city!Copy !req
1050. - That's enough, young lady!
- I don't even want you in the show!Copy !req
1051. You're not even a good
Sweeney Todd anyway.Copy !req
1052. Pop's way better. Even Uncle Greenie
and Uncle Block are better than you.Copy !req
1053. Those men are not your uncles!Copy !req
1054. Oh, no, but we're good enough
to build sets for her show, right?Copy !req
1055. Sorry, I didn't mean that.
Where are you going?Copy !req
1056. I don't wanna be around you! I don't even
want you to come to the show to watch it.Copy !req
1057. - Oh, come on!
- I don't! I don't even like you anymore!Copy !req
1058. Get back here, young lady!
Hey! I'm talkin' to you!Copy !req
1059. Hey, young lady!
Get back here, young lady!Copy !req
1060. No! You can't tell me what to do!
I don't have to do anything you say!Copy !req
1061. - Yes, you do!
- Why?Copy !req
1062. Because I'm your father, that's why!Copy !req
1063. - So what?
- Don't you yell at me, Gertrude!Copy !req
1064. I'll yell at you all I want!Copy !req
1065. Blah, blah, blah!
I'm not moving to the stupid city!Copy !req
1066. All right, that's it! You are moving to the city
and you're gonna like it, and that's the end.Copy !req
1067. I hate you!
I wish you'd died, not Mommy!Copy !req
1068. I hate you right back, you little shit!Copy !req
1069. You and your mother took my
life away and I just want it back!Copy !req
1070. God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, sweetheart.
I didn't mean...Copy !req
1071. - Get off me!
- I'm sorry...Copy !req
1072. Get off of me!Copy !req
1073. What the hell's the matter with you?Copy !req
1074. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
1075. What happened to you the other night?
You just sort of took off.Copy !req
1076. It looked to me like you guys
needed a little privacy.Copy !req
1077. What I really needed was a little backup.Copy !req
1078. She's a kid, Ollie.
Kids don't weather change well.Copy !req
1079. I mean, in a few years, you won't
be able to keep her out of Manhattan.Copy !req
1080. But for now,
she just wants what she knows.Copy !req
1081. So do I.Copy !req
1082. Yeah, but is that even
what you know anymore?Copy !req
1083. Oh, Jesus. You too?Copy !req
1084. You want your old life back. Big-money job,
out of your old man's house...Copy !req
1085. It's not like it doesn't make any sense.Copy !req
1086. Yeah. So?Copy !req
1087. That's your life that you want back,
not theirs.Copy !req
1088. I mean, this is their life. What you're
sort of saying to everybody who loves youCopy !req
1089. is that what we have
isn't good enough for you.Copy !req
1090. So it's just upsetting everybody,
you know?Copy !req
1091. - Everybody?
- Oh... What, me?Copy !req
1092. I mean, it's not like we've got some
big romance going on or anything.Copy !req
1093. We're just friends, right?Copy !req
1094. Did you ever wonder if...
maybe someday it might...Copy !req
1095. be more than that?Copy !req
1096. For about two seconds, before you
had me hiding in the shower from your kid.Copy !req
1097. Look, Ollie, I like you, but...Copy !req
1098. I'm not gonna be all heartbroken
'cause you're leaving town.Copy !req
1099. I know.Copy !req
1100. Even if I took this job in the city,Copy !req
1101. I'd still come back down here
and visit my old man. And you.Copy !req
1102. Why? I mean, you think I'm gonna
stick around here for much longer?Copy !req
1103. - Maya...
- Ollie...Copy !req
1104. I gotta get back to work.Copy !req
1105. If... if I don't...
if I don't see you at the show,Copy !req
1106. give me a call sometime when
you get all settled up in the big city.Copy !req
1107. Come on...Copy !req
1108. Shit.Copy !req
1109. Hi, Daddy.Copy !req
1110. Hey, baby. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to wake you up.Copy !req
1111. It's OK.Copy !req
1112. Listen. I'm sorry -
for yelling at you the other night.Copy !req
1113. I was wrong. And I didn't mean
any of the things that I said.Copy !req
1114. I know. Neither did I.Copy !req
1115. - Daddy?
- Yeah?Copy !req
1116. Did Mommy like living in the city?Copy !req
1117. Yeah, she did. She loved it.Copy !req
1118. Then I guess I'll love it too.Copy !req
1119. Thanks, sweetheart.Copy !req
1120. Thanks.Copy !req
1121. You know, I still might make it to your show
tomorrow, if the traffic's not too bad.Copy !req
1122. I won't be mad if you miss it.
I understand.Copy !req
1123. OK, sweetie. Go back to sleep.
I love you.Copy !req
1124. Good night, Daddy.Copy !req
1125. Good night.Copy !req
1126. George Clooney's office
for Tony on line one.Copy !req
1127. The Angellotti Company.
One moment, please.Copy !req
1128. - Can I help you?
- Yes.Copy !req
1129. My name's Oliver Trinke and I'm here to
see Arthur Brickman and Mr. Angellotti.Copy !req
1130. OK.Copy !req
1131. Mr. Trinke is here.Copy !req
1132. OK, I will.Copy !req
1133. - They'll be about ten more minutes.
- OK.Copy !req
1134. - You can have a seat.
- Right, right...Copy !req
1135. Hello.Copy !req
1136. Oh, my God... Hi!Copy !req
1137. I'm here to see Brad.Copy !req
1138. Yes! He's expecting you, sir.Copy !req
1139. He apologizes, but he's stuck in traffic
He's just a few blocks away.Copy !req
1140. Why don't you just have a seat
and I'll let him know that you've arrived.Copy !req
1141. Thank you very much.Copy !req
1142. They love to keep you waiting, don't they?Copy !req
1143. - Excuse me?
- They love to keep you waiting.Copy !req
1144. Right. Yeah, yeah, they do.Copy !req
1145. I think they think it gives them
a psychological edge, you know?Copy !req
1146. Well, it's about to give 'em
the edge of my ass,Copy !req
1147. 'cause that's all they're gonna see
when I'm walkin' out that door.Copy !req
1148. You know anything about these guys?Copy !req
1149. Only that they're the fastest-growing...Copy !req
1150. “... firm in the business.”
Yes, I read that article too.Copy !req
1151. All right, well...
You know as much as I do.Copy !req
1152. I guess that means
they know what they're doing.Copy !req
1153. I suppose. Unless these publicists hire other
publicists to get the word out for 'em.Copy !req
1154. Right. And then those publicists
hire their own publicistsCopy !req
1155. to help spin the good publicity
they created for these publicists.Copy !req
1156. Of course, knowing publicists,
they probably hire publicistsCopy !req
1157. to promote the fact
that they spun the publicityCopy !req
1158. that they hired the other publicists
to spin. So...Copy !req
1159. - Oh man! So what do you do?
- I'm a publicist.Copy !req
1160. I didn't realize I was sitting here
talking to an Angellotti man.Copy !req
1161. Well, to tell you the truth,
I'm not an Angellotti man.Copy !req
1162. At least not yet.
I'm here trying to get a job.Copy !req
1163. These guys have been tryin' to steal me
from my publicist since my last flick.Copy !req
1164. - Oh, the robot movie, right?
- Oh, yeah, you saw it?Copy !req
1165. I haven't gotten around to it yet.
I'm gonna...Copy !req
1166. Oh, yeah. Thanks a lot
for the support though, man.Copy !req
1167. - I wanna see it...
- You know what? It's not that good.Copy !req
1168. I have a kid. I don't get a chance
to get out and see moviesCopy !req
1169. unless they have singing crabs in 'em.Copy !req
1170. Singing crabs? I saw that one.
That means you have a girl.Copy !req
1171. That's right.Copy !req
1172. - How old is she?
- She's seven.Copy !req
1173. Yeah? Cool.
I got a girl and two boys.Copy !req
1174. Three kids?Copy !req
1175. God. How do you find time
to make all those blockbusters?Copy !req
1176. Shoot, if I didn't have
all them damn kids,Copy !req
1177. I wouldn't have to
make these blockbusters.Copy !req
1178. Right.Copy !req
1179. Oh, man.Copy !req
1180. - It's cool, though, isn't it?
- Making blockbusters?Copy !req
1181. - You tell me.
- Bein' a parent, funny man.Copy !req
1182. It has its moments.Copy !req
1183. - What's your daughter's name?
- Gertrude.Copy !req
1184. Damn!
Why'd you do that to that girl, man?Copy !req
1185. - Did you lose a bet?
- No.Copy !req
1186. - No, it was my wife's name.
- “Was”? OK, let me guess.Copy !req
1187. She took you for half after she
saddled the kid with the name Gert?Copy !req
1188. I can't blame it on her.
I saddled the kid with the name Gert.Copy !req
1189. She died in childbirth. So...Copy !req
1190. - No, no, no, it's...
- I feel like an asshole, man.Copy !req
1191. - Don't worry about it.
- No, listen, I'm really sorry about that.Copy !req
1192. I didn't see your movie,
so we're even. Trust me.Copy !req
1193. This is exactly why people don't talk
to each other in waiting rooms, right?Copy !req
1194. Probably.
Although, I gotta tell ya...Copy !req
1195. the fact that the guy who wrote “Parents
Just Don't Understand” is now a parentCopy !req
1196. completely makes up for it.Copy !req
1197. Oh, man.
We don't though, do we?Copy !req
1198. - What's that?
- Understand.Copy !req
1199. I mean, these kids today. From the
door, man, they got it all over us.Copy !req
1200. My daughter has it all over me,
I can tell you that.Copy !req
1201. Yeah, my middle one, my son?Copy !req
1202. Every time I walk out of the house
in the morningCopy !req
1203. he says,
“Daddy, how far you love me?”Copy !req
1204. I always pick somewhere close.
“I love you to that table, man.”Copy !req
1205. “No, you don't. You love me all the way
to the moon and back down to the dirt.”Copy !req
1206. That's great.Copy !req
1207. It take everything I got
to walk out of that house.Copy !req
1208. You get to spend time with them
on the set though, right?Copy !req
1209. Oh, yeah. But if I was a smart man,
I wouldn't be sittin' here right now.Copy !req
1210. I'd be at home
playing in the dirt with my kids.Copy !req
1211. But we all know that I'm not famous
'cause of my brains.Copy !req
1212. It's 'cause I'm, like,
strikingly handsome, crazy sexy.Copy !req
1213. And I'm, like,
hung like it's ridiculous.Copy !req
1214. Oh, man! But I'm definitely not
the sharpest spoon in the shed.Copy !req
1215. You know...Copy !req
1216. - It was really nice talking to you.
- Oh, hey, you too, man.Copy !req
1217. - You out?
- I'm out.Copy !req
1218. Hey, you recommend these guys?Copy !req
1219. Only guy I can recommend
is named Arthur Brickman.Copy !req
1220. Other than that,
I can't vouch for anybody.Copy !req
1221. Hold on. You Brickman?Copy !req
1222. No. I'm just a guy who'd rather play
in the dirt with his kid.Copy !req
1223. You want some rouge,
or should I just pinch your cheeks?Copy !req
1224. Pinch my cheeks, kids' show or not,
I'll put you through the wall.Copy !req
1225. I'd like to welcome everyone
to Saint Maria Goretti'sCopy !req
1226. Student/Family Fall Pageant.Copy !req
1227. This is a celebration of
your children and their talents,Copy !req
1228. so we hope you enjoy the show.Copy !req
1229. Our first act is first-grader
Cynthia Bodnar and her mother Jane,Copy !req
1230. performing the song “Memory”
from the Broadway show Cats.Copy !req
1231. And now Tracy Colelli,
from Sister Ann's kindergarten class,Copy !req
1232. will perform with her parents
“Memory” from Cats.Copy !req
1233. And now, first-grader Martin Tobias
and his mother will perform...Copy !req
1234. Oh, boy, this is a popular song.Copy !req
1235. ”Memory” from Cats.Copy !req
1236. You gotta be kidding me!Copy !req
1237. You couldn't make it easy on me,
could you, Gert?Copy !req
1238. Honey, it's gonna be OK.Copy !req
1239. You're next, Gertie.
Break a leg.Copy !req
1240. And now, we have something
not from Cats. Thank God.Copy !req
1241. First-grader Gertrude Trinke
and her father, Oliver...Copy !req
1242. - Just my grandfather.
- Oh.Copy !req
1243. I'm sorry. First-grader Gertrude Trinke
and her grandfatherCopy !req
1244. will be performing
what I can only assume is a hymn,Copy !req
1245. entitled “God, That's Good”,
from the musical Sweeney Todd.Copy !req
1246. Take this off.Copy !req
1247. Shit.Copy !req
1248. - I love you, Daddy.
- I love you too.Copy !req
1249. I love you so much.Copy !req
1250. - You were great.
- You too.Copy !req
1251. You... guys...Copy !req
1252. were... great!Copy !req
1253. Oh, God!Copy !req
1254. Hey, Gertie!
Come dance with me.Copy !req
1255. - Bye, Uncle Greenie. Bye, Uncle Block.
- Bye, sweetheart.Copy !req
1256. - I'm startin' to like show business.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1257. Well, don't get caught up in the glory.
Tomorrow you're on shithouse duty.Copy !req
1258. You know, sometimes I just wanna...Copy !req
1259. I'm so tired of being your little geisha.Copy !req
1260. You had me worried there for a minute.Copy !req
1261. Yeah, who knew all those years
you were nursing a case of stage fright.Copy !req
1262. Not about that, smart ass.
About the other thing.Copy !req
1263. - About moving away.
- Come on, Dad.Copy !req
1264. Don't you wanna live alone again?Copy !req
1265. Not as much as
I don't wanna die alone.Copy !req
1266. We're not going anywhere, Pop.Copy !req
1267. You wanna go over there
and cheer up your pop?Copy !req
1268. He's devastated about
missing his big singing debut.Copy !req
1269. Aw!Copy !req
1270. Pop!Copy !req
1271. Hey, Princess!Copy !req
1272. Look at you.
Mr. Big Hero of the Night.Copy !req
1273. Yeah, well, it might take me
longer than some, but I...Copy !req
1274. May I?Copy !req
1275. OK.Copy !req
1276. I like to think
I come around eventually.Copy !req
1277. Well, you showing up
when you did like that?Copy !req
1278. That was just about
the most romantic thing I've ever seen.Copy !req
1279. Honestly.Copy !req
1280. Well... stick around.Copy !req
1281. It may get even
more romantic than that.Copy !req
1282. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1283. See? How was that for romance?Copy !req
1284. I'll think about it.Copy !req
1285. Do that.Copy !req
1286. Ollie Trinke...Copy !req
1287. Hey.Copy !req
1288. Your kid's cuttin' a rug with that Maya.Copy !req
1289. The sun even shines
on a dog's ass some days.Copy !req
1290. You getting a dog?Copy !req
1291. Maya?Copy !req
1292. - Can I dance with my dad now?
- If you must.Copy !req
1293. Don't let him go, though, Gert.
He's one of a kind.Copy !req
1294. I know.Copy !req
1295. Come here.Copy !req
1296. - You wanna dance?
- So, no city?Copy !req
1297. - No. No city.
- We're staying here with Pop?Copy !req
1298. God help us, yes,
we're staying with Pop.Copy !req
1299. - And you're taking me to see Cats?
- Oh-ho! Nice try, but no.Copy !req
1300. - Thank you, Daddy.
- Anything for you, Gert.Copy !req
1301. - You know why?
- Why?Copy !req
1302. 'Cause you're the only thing
I was ever really good at.Copy !req