Jennifer's Body (2009)

1. Every day I get letters.

2. I think I get more letters than Santa Claus, Zac Efron and Dr. Phil combined.

3. I'm kinda the shit.

4. Rec time started five minutes ago, Needy.

5. Grassy-ass, Raymundo.

6. Sometimes, the letters are from people who say they're praying for me.

7. They tell me everything will be okay if I just acceptJesus Christ into my heart.

8. I say the words, but nothing ever happens.

9. Nobody comes back.

10. Nobody gets off the cross.

11. Welcome to the Mental Olympics.

12. They're big on recreation here.

13. Supposedly, it helps us vent our aggressions.

14. Oh, yeah!

15. Personally, I think they're trying to wear us out,

16. keep us sluggish so there won't be an uprising.

17. Well, thoseJ.V. tactics won't work against me.

18. I'm a kicker.

19. K-I-C-K-E-R.

20. It even says so on my chart.

21. Just one Toast 'Em, huh?

22. I like Toast 'Ems. Well, that's good.

23. But I'm not sure a Toast 'Em can provide sufficient energy during your day.

24. I recommend more complex carbo—

25. - No, she didn't! - I recommend you shut the fuck up!

26. - All right.

27. Don't touch me!

28. I wasn't always this cracked.

29. I used to be normal.

30. Well, as normal as any girl under the influence ofteenage hormones.

31. But after the killings began, I started to feel—

32. I don't know-

33. loose around the edges or something.

34. God!

35. I hate this fucking song.

36. This is where it all went down.

37. "Devil's Kettle" sounds twisted, I know,

38. but the place is just named after a waterfall.

39. Technically, it's not a normal waterfall.

40. It goes into this hole, and it doesn't come out.

41. The scientist guys dropped all kinds of things down there,

42. but nothing ever surfaces.

43. Maybe it's another dimension.

44. Or, you know, just really deep.

45. I'm working the back of my calves, and I'm working my heart.

46. We're talkin' about butt. We're talkin' about legs.

47. We're talking about virtually no impact.

48. This should sell for 14.95.

49. Whole body calorie burning. Whole body muscle toning. Everything.

50. Now what about upper body? All right. We'll do upper body.

51. Chicken! We're working my butt. We're working my abs.

52. We're working the inside of my thighs.

53. Now, here's one of our new movements.

54. I want you to see the range of motion. Just go to "Hurdle" or "sprint."

55. Look at the sprint that I have.

56. How many people can get that range of motion?

57. Say I wanna do just my hip flexors or my buttocks even more.

58. I do what's called digging.

59. Look at the range of motion. I use this for a lot ofswimwear models.

60. Very, very, very important. How 'bout Butt squeeze?

61. Yup. I see you wanted to touch.

62. That's a good way- Not this show! Not touching this show—

63. Jennifer didn't always look this rough.

64. Just two months ago, me, Jennifer and my boyfriend, Chip,

65. were completely normal people.

66. We were ouryearbook pictures.

67. Nothing more, nothing less.

68. There'sJennifer.

69. Only back then, we were tight.

70. Sisters, practically.

71. People found it hard to believe that a babe likeJennifer...

72. would associate with a dork like me.

73. Sandbox love never dies.

74. You're totally lesbi-gay.

75. What? She's my best friend.

76. Hey, Monistat. What's up, Vagisil?

77. You and me are going out tonight. Uh, tonight. Why?

78. Because Low Shoulder are playing at Melody Lane.

79. They're this indie rock band from the city.

80. I saw their MySpace page, and the lead singers extra salty.

81. Plus, there'll be lots ofother salty morsels there for you.

82. Come on, Needy. I promised Chip that I would hang out with him tonight.

83. Boo. Cross out Needy.

84. What time is the show? I'll pickyou up at 8:30.

85. My mom has a date with that guy who owns the ham store.

86. He seems nice.

87. Wear something cute, okay? Okay.

88. "Wear something cute" meant something very specific in Jennifer-speak.

89. It meant I couldn't look like a total zero, but I couldn't upstage her either.

90. I could expose my stomach, but never my cleavage.

91. Tits were her trademark.

92. Thosejeans are hella low. I can almost see your front butt.

93. It's a rock show. This is my rock look.

94. Well, I can see, like, yourwomb, so—

95. I've never even heard of Low Shoulder.

96. Which one isJennifer stalking? The lead singer.

97. Girls like her don't go out with drummers.

98. - Thanks a lot. - No offense.

99. She'd probably make an exception if you were, like, a drummer who's also the lead singer.

100. - Like Phil Collins. - Who's Phil Collins?

101. Forget it. He's seminal, but whatever.

102. Anyway, this singer guy, Jennifer says he's extra salty, so-

103. Salty.

104. Salty means beautiful.

105. Well, then you must be soy sauce, babe.

106. Jennifer's here.

107. How do you know? Needy!

108. Quit tampooning yourself and get down here.

109. That's fucking weird.

110. Better hurry before she gets annoyed.

111. You always do whatJennifer tells you to do.

112. No, I don't. It's just that I like the same things that she likes.

113. We have stuff in common. That's why we're biffs.

114. You guys don't have anything in common.

115. Yeah. Okay, Chip.

116. Guess who's got the whip until 1 1 :30.

117. A 2003 Chrysler Sebring, and it's all mine.

118. Oh, hi, Chip.

119. It smells like Thai food in here.

120. - Have you guys been fucking? - You're gross.

121. - You're gross. You're gross. - You're so gross.

122. Fuck you. Let's go to the club.

123. Melody Lane is not a club. It's a bar.

124. It's not even a bar. It's like a bingo hall with taps.

125. Eat my ass, Chip. You'rejustJell-O 'cause you're not invited.

126. I'm notJell-O. That place is disgusting.

127. Everyone in there has a mustache. You're totallyJell-O.

128. You're lime-green Jell-O, and you can't even admit it to yourself.

129. Stop kidnapping my girlfriend.

130. Chip was right.

131. Melody Lane is definitely not a club.

132. Clubs are for attractive people in populous urban areas.

133. Clubs have D.J.'s and champagne.

134. As they come around the corner-

135. All we have is a jukebox and a sticker toilet.

136. I cannot wait until I'm old enough to get wasted.

137. Hey, Jennifer. You look really pretty.

138. What up, Craig?

139. He thinks he's cute enough for me. And that's why he's in retard math.

140. Swing and miss.

141. Hey, it's Ahmet from India, that foreign exchange guy.

142. I wonder if he's circumcised.

143. I always wanted to try a sea cucumber.

144. Ew.

145. Jennifer Check. Shouldn't poison yourself with that shit.

146. Unless you want me to arrest ya for possession.

147. You're gonna arrest me? You're not even out of the academyyet, Roman.

148. Two more months. Then I'm on the force for reals.

149. Are you, uh— you're gonna cuff me?

150. Don't do that.

151. Okay? Not here.

152. Hey, that's the band.

153. Mmm. You can totally tell they're from the city.

154. Yeah, 'cause they're wearing eyeliner. They look like a bunch offaygos.

155. Well, you would think that, Roman, because you're a small-time Gomer.

156. I wish we had more guys like that in Devil's Kettle.

157. All stylish and shit.

158. I think they need two groupies.

159. No! No. Come on. Don't be soJ.V., Needy.

160. They're just boys, morsels. We have all the power.

161. Don't you know that? These things?

162. These are like smart bombs. Okay?

163. You point them in the right direction, and shit gets real.

164. Hi. Hi.

165. Uh— we just wanted to meet you or something.

166. I'm Jennifer Check, and this is my friend.

167. Hi. I'm Nikolai.

168. This is, uh— These guys are my band.

169. Low Shoulder. Yeah, we've heard— I've heard about you.

170. You play your instruments really super good.

171. Thank you. We are professionals.

172. Hey. sorry. Could I ask you a question?

173. Um, why would you wanna play all the way out here in Devil's Kettle?

174. You live in the city, right? Yeah.

175. But, you know, I think it's really important sometimes to try and connect with our fans...

176. in the shitty areas too.

177. That's amazing.

178. Can I, um— Can I buy you a drink?

179. Sure. What are we having?

180. They have this really awesome 9/11 tribute shooter.

181. It's red, white and blue, but you have to drink it really fast or it turns brownish.

182. All right. Well, we'll drink it fast. Okay.

183. - Okay. - I'll be right back.

184. Hey, how- how are you gonna get alcohol?

185. Um, I'll just play Hello Titty with the bartender.

186. Aw, shit.

187. Dirk, what about her?

188. - Who, Jan Brady? - No, man. Fuck you.

189. I'm talking about the one who went to get me a drink. The State Fair Butter Princess.

190. That's the one. I don't know. Are you sure she's-

191. Listen, I grew up in a town like this, okay?

192. There's always that girl. They love to show it off, but they do not give it up.

193. You told us you were from Brooklyn.

194. My point is, this girl is definitely a virgin, okay?

195. - I know girls like that. I've dated chicks— - I don't know.

196. Well, we didn't drive all the way out here for nothing, so—

197. Fine. Okay? You know, I'm not just your bassist.

198. I'm a person with feelings who happens to play the bass-

199. - Excuse me. - I'd like a little respect around here.

200. Look, I didn't know you had feelings. Hey.

201. Hey. That's my best friend that you're talking about.

202. And you're right. She is a virgin.

203. And that beats sleeping with creeps like you.

204. Tower One isn't full enough.

205. Those guys are rank, Jen. Just forget about it.

206. You know what? I think the lead singer wants me.

207. Only because he thinks that you're a virgin. I heard them talking.

208. What? I'm not even a backdoor virgin anymore, thanks to Roman.

209. And by the way, that hurts.

210. I couldn't even go to Flags the next day.

211. I had to stay home and sit on a bag offrozen peas.

212. Oh, my God.

213. Good evening, Devil's Lake. Devil's Kettle!

214. Fuckin'-A right, it is.

215. Let's go!

216. No!

217. Run!

218. We can't get through there!

219. I know where to go!

220. Hey. Hey. Jen?

221. Hey.

222. Jennifer? Oh, thank God you guys are all right.

223. I've been looking everywhere for you two.

224. Listen, it's really dangerous out here.

225. You wanna head someplace safer, like my van? What?

226. I'm in survival mode right now, and I want us to get to a familiar place.

227. And right now, I feel like that's my van. Okay.

228. Okay, this one's in shock. Great.

229. Are you in shock? Have some of that.

230. No.

231. Jennifer?

232. Hey.

233. Let's go, Jennifer! Let's go to the van.

234. I wanna go to your really cool van. Needy, let's go see his van.

235. Why? Why should we?

236. We have the Sebring. Let's just get out of here!

237. Let's go to L.O.O. and get some Northwoods Nachos with extra badger sauce.

238. - Please? I'm starving. - Needy, stop it! Just shut up.

239. I watched her get into that van,

240. and I knew something awful was going to happen.

241. He was skinny and twisted and evil,

242. like this petrified tree I saw when I was a kid.

243. Oh.

244. - Hey, Niedermeyer. - Oh, thank God you're there.

245. What's wrong? Jennifer's gone.

246. She ran offwith that rock band, and Melody Lane burned down.

247. You're okay, right? Uh, yeah.

248. But there was this huge stampede,

249. and all the people that fainted got run over,

250. and you could hear their bones breaking.

251. And the people—

252. like, the people on fire just smelled like—

253. This is crazy. Jennifer's still with those creeps.

254. They took her in their spooky van with the windows all blacked out.

255. - Did you get the make and model? - I don't know, Chip. An '89 Rapist?

256. She's still in there. We have to go find her.

257. Who cares aboutJennifer and those douche bags...

258. with their douche bag haircuts and their man-scara?

259. Peoplejust burned to death.

260. Oh, cheese and fries. There's somebody here!

261. I'm all alone. I'm freaked out.

262. - Where is your mom? - Swing shift.

263. Stay on the phone with me, okay?

264. Needy, do you want me to come over or something?

265. I don't know. Maybe.

266. Needy?

267. Okay, so now there's no one here.

268. That's so strange.

269. Maybe I'm going crazy.

270. It's probably nothing.

271. Look, I'll call you later. Okay.

272. Hi.

273. Jen.

274. What happened?

275. Jen?

276. Um—

277. My mom got that at Boston Market, and I'm— I'm not supposed to-

278. Jennifer. Jennifer?

279. Jennifer.

280. Are you scared?

281. Jennifer!

282. Another body under here!

283. I heard Needy and Jennifer were there,

284. and they had to fight their way out with a machete.

285. Look, she's not even moving.

286. It's called post-traumatic stress disorder.

287. My dad was in Operation Enduring Freedom,

288. and he totally, like, stopped talking for, like, months.

289. I'll be Perfect Prom Betty, and you be her.

290. Why do I have to be Ugly Ashley?

291. Ow! What's wrong, Jennifer?

292. Don't tell my mom about this. She'll make me a shot.

293. I never tell on you.

294. Where's it at, Monistat?

295. - You're all right. - Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?

296. 'Cause last night at my house, you were—

297. You do have a tendency to overreact.

298. Remember when we were in Girl Scout camp, and you thought that there was an earthquake,

299. but it was just two guys with a ghetto blaster?

300. People died, Jennifer.

301. It's, like, all over the news. National news.

302. Anybody that we know? We know everyone.

303. Sucks to be them, I guess.

304. What is wrong with you? What's wrong with you?

305. Besides the obvious surface flaws.

306. I knew it was real.

307. I'd been up all night, scrubbing the carnage off the linoleum.

308. Shoot.

309. Please don't talk to yourself.

310. It's one of your more freakish Needy behaviors...

311. and it makes us both look like total gaylords.

312. Ew. Fuck. You need a mani bad.

313. You should find a Chinese chick to buffyour situation.

314. This is a dark, dark day...

315. for Devil's Kettle.

316. And believe me you, I have lived through some—

317. some pretty heavy stuff.

318. We lost eight precious students...

319. including Ahmet from India,

320. several parents...

321. and our beloved Spanish teacher,

322. Seňorita Erickson.

323. No way. Erickson ate shit?

324. Now more than ever, put aside your teenage concerns...

325. about who's a cool dude, or who's a ho.

326. We can't let that damn fire win.

327. It already won.

328. God bless you kids.

329. There's no band practice today. There's no anything today.

330. It's surreal, right? When just one person dies in Devil's Kettle, it's like time stops.

331. Feel guiltyjust breathing.

332. Word.

333. Chip, I need to tell you something kinda weird.

334. It's aboutJennifer. What?

335. You know how last night we were talking, and someone came to my house? It wasJennifer.

336. She looked like she had been beaten up or shot or something.

337. And then she barfed up this, like, disgusting, prickly stuff...

338. that looked like roadkill and, like, sewing needles mixed together.

339. Yuck.

340. Well, she probably just inhaled a whole bunch ofsmoke or something.

341. No, Chip. No, it was like—

342. It was, like, evil.

343. Needy, I think you might wanna talk to the school shrink.

344. I'm not saying that to be a dillhole.

345. Chip, I don't tell whoppers, and I'm not crazy.

346. I didn't say you were crazy.

347. It's just, everybody's a little messed up about this, and it's okay to feel—

348. Discombobulated? Yeah. Fucked up.

349. Hey, Needy.

350. - Oh, hi, Colin. - I heard you were there last night in the fiery trenches.

351. Yeah.

352. Well, I'm glad you didn't die.

353. - Thanks. - Seriously.

354. How are you friends with Colin Gray?

355. I thought Colin Gray only talked to the Dead Girls.

356. I just am. We have Creative Nonfiction together.

357. He's a really good writer. He's, like, all dark and emotional and stuff.

358. Oh. Well, I'm like that too. I mean, I can relate.

359. You know, I'm not all obvious about it like a poser.

360. Walk me home?

361. You know it, babe.

362. Hi. Hey, Jennifer.

363. I'm crazy sorry about your profound loss.

364. You are crying about Craig, right?

365. He was my best friend.

366. You know, I was there last night,

367. and I was probably the last person to talk to him, like, ever.

368. Wow. You know what he said?

369. Craig said that he always thought you and me...

370. would make a totally banging couple.

371. Isn't that just so weird?

372. He— He said "banging"?

373. Feel my heart, Jonas.

374. I think it's broken.

375. Mine too.

376. You come with me, just for a little while.

377. It's what Craig would have wanted.

378. - Yeah. - Yeah.

379. You're so warm. Why are you so warm?

380. Shutties.

381. Jennifer.

382. Jen. What?

383. Look.

384. Mm-hmm.

385. They're waiting.

386. Okay.

387. Mmm.

388. Do you miss Craig?

389. Of course.

390. Well, you're gonna see your buddy really soon.

391. What, you mean, like, in heaven someday?

392. Nope.

393. God.

394. Let it all out, kids.

395. And that was Low Shoulder, the local band...

396. who became unlikely heroes of the tragedy in Devil's Kettle last night.

397. Eyewitnesses say the boys helped numerous people escape the inferno,

398. risking their own lives in the process.

399. That's rock and roll with a conscience, ladies and gentlemen.

400. And guess what. We are honored to have Low Shoulder in the studio right now.

401. Now, howyou guys holdin' up?

402. We're maintaining, man.

403. It's not easy, but, you know, the real heroes...

404. are the people of Devil's Lake.

405. I just hope we can convey 1 /10th of their courage and spirit...

406. on our upcoming album.

407. Virgin mother.

408. You said it. Hey, Mom.

409. I didn't know you were up.

410. Yeah.

411. Oh, God. I had another one of my night terrors.

412. Well, it's 4:00, so technically you had a day terror.

413. Right.

414. What'd you dream about?

415. I dreamed some bad people were trying to nail you to a tree...

416. with hammers and big stakes and shit.

417. Just likeJ.C.

418. But I didn't let 'em get you, 'cause I'm a hard-assed, Ford-tough mama bear.

419. I can take care of myself.

420. Yeah, you say that,

421. but one day you're gonna be crying out for me, and I'm not gonna be there.

422. No!

423. We will get the man who did this to your son. Hear me.

424. I'll kill him myself.

425. I will.

426. Do you hear me, you bastard?

427. I'll cut off your nut sack and nail it to my door...

428. like one of those lion door knockers rich folks got!

429. That will be your balls!

430. Fatalities have grown in a horrific fire...

431. that destroyed a popular local nightclub...

432. in Devil's Kettle last night.

433. Yeah? I feel so scrumptious!

434. Goody for you. You know when you kiss a boy for the first time,

435. and it feels like your entire body is on vibrate?

436. - Yeah? - It's that good.

437. Well, that's nice.

438. Me, I'm still a little bit depressed about, you know,

439. the giant, smoldering funeral pyre in the middle oftown.

440. Move-on-dot-org, Needy. It's over.

441. Life is too short to be moping around about some white-trash pig roast.

442. That's sweet, Jen.

443. You know, I tell it like it is.

444. And besides, you know what?

445. You should be happy for me because I am having the best day...

446. since, like, Jesus invented the calendar.

447. Jesus didn't invent the calendar.

448. Whatever.

449. Other line. Hold on.

450. - So blow it off. - It'll just be a minute.

451. Pooh. I'm crossing you out.

452. Hey.

453. I need to see you right now. I can barely hear you.

454. Knock it off, Camille! You knock it off!

455. Can you meet me at McCullum in 10?

456. You knock it off, Chip! You're a penis cheese!

457. Uh, 15?

458. - I gotta go. - I am a god.

459. Okay. I gotta meet Chip in McCullum Park.

460. You know, Chip is looking really cute to me lately.

461. So, tell me, is he, uh, like, packing some serious pubic inches?

462. What's the story down there?

463. I gotta go.

464. Why are the cops at your house?

465. They're not. They're atJonas Kozelle's house.

466. Why? He try to sell fake peyote to the eighth graders again? No, Needy. He was murdered.

467. What? Yeah.

468. Someone ripped Jonas limb from limb in the woods behind school.

469. They ate parts of him.

470. No one's even supposed to know yet, but my dad just went over there and talked to the cops.

471. His mom is, like, catatonic.

472. She's just staring out the front window like a zombie mannequin robot statue.

473. This can't be a coincidence.

474. What are you talking about, Needy?

475. A fiery death trap last night,

476. and now a cannibal psycho takes down the biggest guy in school?

477. Come on. It's freaktarded.

478. Well, the bad luck's gotta be over, right?

479. I mean, it can't get any worse, right? It can't.

480. I mean, you agree, right?

481. You're shaking.

482. Well, I'm cold. It's very cold out here.

483. You want my hoodie?

484. The days marched on as usual,

485. but most of us were too numb to enjoy ourselves.

486. Most of us.

487. To the rest of the world, we were famous. We were saints.

488. Our town's only bar had burned to the ground,

489. and our star linebacker was someone's snack Pack.

490. The whole country got a huge tragedy boner for Devil's Kettle.

491. And the press, God! They couldn't get enough of our little world ofshit.

492. Still, we were healing.

493. Like Chip, we figured things could only get better. Hey!

494. We had faith.

495. We were fucking idiots.

496. Before the period ends, I'd like to make an announcement.

497. As you all know, today is the one month anniversary...

498. of the tragedy at Melody Lane...

499. and the murder ofJonas Kozelle.

500. Boring. Jesus!

501. What a bitch.

502. As I was saying, Jennifer and Needy,

503. I finally have some good news to share with all of you.

504. The members of the rock and roll group Low shoulder...

505. have decided to extend a helping hand to our community.

506. As you all know, their song, "Through The Trees,"

507. has become our unofficial anthem...

508. of unity and healing.

509. And they have decided to release it as a benefit single.

510. Three percent of the profits will go to local families...

511. who have been affected by loss.

512. What about the other 97%?

513. I mean, that's just crass, right?

514. "Crass." It means greedy, exploitative, scummy.

515. Low Shoulder are American heroes.

516. No, they're not! I was there, Chastity.

517. They didn't help anybody escape the fire.

518. I don't even know how that rumor got started.

519. Rumor? Rumor?

520. It's true. It's on the Wikipedia.

521. We wouldn't even know who they were ifthey hadn't been playing that night.

522. - They used us. - You take that back, Needy Lesnicki.

523. - Girls— - We need them now more than ever.

524. - That's enough.

525. I'm already sick of that song.

526. Yeah, it's really poorly produced.

527. Could the bass be any lower in the mix?

528. No offense, but you look really tired.

529. Is everything okay? No. I feel like boo-boo.

530. My skin is breaking out, and my hair is dull and lifeless.

531. God. It's like I'm one of the normal girls.

532. Are you P.M.S.-ing or something'? P.M.S. isn't real, Needy.

533. It was invented by the boy-run media to make us seem crazy.

534. Don't look at me like that!

535. It's just wearing off or something.

536. What's wearing off?

537. Hello, Needy. Hi.

538. Jennifer. Hi, Colin.

539. Can I borrow your English homework again? I forgot to read Hamlet.

540. Is he gonna fuck his mom?

541. No— I don't— I don't— I don't think so.

542. Um, I actually wanted to ask you something.

543. You wanna know if I'll go out with you? No!

544. Yeah. What? I—

545. - I don't g— How'd you know? - Just go ahead with the pitch.

546. Okay. Um—

547. Well, we've been having a lot of fun in class, you and I,

548. and I thought that maybe you'd like to go see a movie or something.

549. There's a, uh, midnight showing of Rocky Horror at the Bijou next weekend.

550. I don't like boxing movies.

551. Yeah, but it's no— It's not a... fucking boxing movie.

552. Um, fuck it. Okay. Forget it.

553. - That was random. - I'm used to boys asking me out, Needy.

554. Colin's really nice.

555. He's into maggot rock. He wears nail polish.

556. My dick is bigger than his. I think he's really cool.

557. You do? Yeah.

558. Wait. Colin.

559. Why don't you just come by my place tonight?

560. I just got Aquamarine on DVD. It's about this girl who's, like, half-sushi.

561. I guess she has sex through her blowhole or something.

562. Okay.

563. Great, yeah.

564. Okay. I'll text you my address.

565. Cool.

566. Hi. Hey.

567. Mmm. Hi, Chip.

568. Hey, hey. Ugh.

569. Get a room.

570. So, talking to your mysterious pal Colin Gray again.

571. No. He was askingJennifer out on a date. That's weird.

572. So are you gonna come over tonight? Sure, I'd like that.

573. I went to SuperTarget and picked up more condoms, so—

574. Thanks. Not that that has anything to do with—

575. Oh, no, I didn't assume that. Well, I'm—

576. Okay. I'll see you tonight then.

577. Okay.

578. ♪ The roads are wrapped around your waist ♪ It's for ambience.

579. My mom has Holiday Scents, too, if you're—

580. Hello.

581. Jennifer?

582. Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

583. "Slippery Swirl"?

584. Yeah, it's, uh, supposed to make it feel good for the girl.

585. Cool.

586. Oh.

587. You made it.

588. What's going on?

589. This, uh—

590. This isn't really your house, is it?

591. No, baby.

592. This is our house, just for you and me.

593. We can play Mommy and Daddy.

594. Do you even know my last name?

595. Silly.

596. I've been sending you signals all year.

597. Couldn't you tell?

598. You give me such a wettie.

599. Put it in.

600. - Jennifer!

601. What? Are you scared?

602. I thought boys like you were really into vermin and death and shit.

603. Here you go.

604. Nice hardware, ace.

605. No way.

606. Ow! Shit! Ooh! Puncture wound.

607. God, that's so emo.

608. I need you frightened.

609. I need you hopeless.

610. Hopeless.

611. Hopeless.

612. Hopeless.

613. - What? What?

614. What?

615. Am I hurting you?

616. Am I too big?

617. What?

618. Needy. What's wrong?

619. Is it something I did?

620. Mommy? Mommy!

621. Hi.

622. - God, Needy, enough with the screaming!

623. You're such a cliché. Get out!

624. But we always share your bed when we have slumber parties.

625. I'm not gonna bite you.

626. Is that my Evil Dead T-shirt?

627. What the fuck is happening?

628. My God, Needy.

629. I have never heard you drop the F-bomb before.

630. I saw you! I saw— I saw— I saw the—

631. Slow down, tardy slip. You sound like a sped.

632. I'm gonna call the police. Okay.

633. Why don't you narc me out?

634. I have the cops in my back pocket, Needy.

635. I'm fucking a cadet. Remember?

636. What do you want from me?

637. Just want to explain some things to you.

638. Besides, best friends don't keep secrets.

639. Right?

640. So, you remember the night of the fire? I got really messed up.

641. And those guys from Low Shoulder- totally evil.

642. They're basically, like, agents ofSatan...

643. with really awesome haircuts.

644. Where- Where are we going?

645. You don't have to talk if you don't want to.

646. Are you guys rapists?

647. Are you even sure if she's a fucking virgin, man?

648. Yes. Yes, I'm a virgin. I'm a virgin.

649. I've never even done sex. I don't know how.

650. So you guys should find somebody who does...

651. know how.

652. See, Dirk? I told you, man. You owe me a beer.

653. - What did they do to you? - Just let me finish.

654. and I kept looking for a way to escape, but it's really dark out there.

655. Where are you going? Huh?

656. We got a waxing moon tonight, you guys, just like the ritual says.

657. Please!

658. No! Please!

659. Please!

660. Do one of you guys have something to shut her up with?

661. Great. But get it nice and tight, though, 'cause I don't wanna get fuckin' clawed.

662. I don't know if we should go through with this.

663. Dirk.

664. Do you wanna work at Moose HoofCoffee forever? I don't, okay?

665. Do you wanna be a big loser, or...

666. do you wanna be rich and awesome...

667. like that guy from Maroon 5?

668. Maroon 5.

669. Okay. That's what I thought.

670. Go and fetch me the ritual, brother.

671. Okay. What the fuck?

672. Thank you.

673. - All right. - That's it?

674. Yeah. I found it online.

675. "We come here tonight to sacrifice the body of"—

676. What is your name again? Tiffany?

677. My name isJennifer. Super.

678. "We come here tonight to sacrifice the body of Jennifer from Devil's Kettle."

679. Please, please. Please, please, don't do this.

680. I'll do anything. I'll do anything you want.

681. Do you know how hard it is to make it as an indie band these days?

682. There's so many of us, and we're all so cute...

683. and it's like, if you don't get on Letterman...

684. or some retarded soundtrack, you're screwed, okay?

685. Satan is our only hope.

686. We're in league with the beast now, and we have to make a really big impression on him.

687. And to do that, we're going to have to butcheryou and bleed you.

688. And then Dirk here's gonna wearyour face.

689. Relax. I'm kidding about the face. The rest is gonna happen though.

690. Why don't you just get a publicist? We can make T-shirts.

691. I could be a part of your street scene. Please.

692. Sorry. No can do.

693. But you know what? Maybe we'll write a song about you. As a fan, that'd be cool, right?

694. No! No! With the deepest malice,

695. we deliver this virgin unto thee.

696. Dude, that is a hot murder weapon. It's a bowie knife.

697. Bowie? Nice.

698. - Here we go! It's gonna be gnarly! - No, please, please!

699. No, please, God! Wait a second. I just thought ofsomething.

700. Jenny, Jenny, you're the girl for me.

701. You don't know me, but you make me so happy.

702. I tried to call you before, but I lost my nerve.

703. They killed you.

704. I'm still here, aren't I?

705. They did go all Benihana on my ass with that knife and it should have killed me,

706. but for some reason it didn't.

707. Maybe it did.

708. Anyway, I don't really remember what happened after that.

709. I just know that I woke up and I found my way back to you.

710. I remember.

711. I couldn't bring myself to hurt you.

712. I mean, I'm a really good friend,

713. but I was just so hungry.

714. Ahmet.

715. You made it out.

716. Are you lost?

717. Does your host family know you're alive?

718. Does anyone knowyou're alive?

719. You come with me.

720. We're gonna sort all this out, okay?

721. And ever since then, I just knew what I had to do to be strong.

722. And when I'm full, like I am right now,

723. I'm, like, unkillable.

724. Like, I can do shit like this. Watch.

725. It's really cool. Just watch. Look.

726. It's, like, some X-Men shit, right?

727. What do you mean, when you're full?

728. What about my mom's Kia? Why were you covered in blood?

729. You didn't even look human.

730. You know, Needy, maybe you should talk to somebody about these...

731. disturbing thoughts that you're having.

732. We're all really concerned.

733. Especially Chip.

734. I think he may be having second thoughts about you.

735. Leave. Come on, Needy. Let me stay the night.

736. We can play boyfriend-girlfriend like we used to.

737. What are you doing? Um, you said to leave.

738. See you at school.

739. We are gathered here to celebrate the life ofColin Gray,

740. who was plucked from the prime of his youth—

741. Colin!

742. Take me with you!

743. I belong down there... in the darkness!

744. No, Kevin. Those are just his earthly remains.

745. He's among the dark angels of the realm now.

746. Fly, Colin. Fly into the firmament.

747. Colin wouldn't like this.

748. You think so?

749. Yeah, you're right.

750. I'm pretty sure my son wouldn't have liked being eaten by a fucking cannibal...

751. and buried before his 18th birthday.

752. Wow. You must have known him so well. Jill.

753. By the time they found Colin in that godforsaken house,

754. he looked like lasagna with teeth.

755. I'd know. I had to identify the remains.

756. My boy...

757. is not in the realm of the undead.

758. He is not flying around in the firmament...

759. on magical wings offlame.

760. He's in an overpriced rosewood box...

761. that's headed six feet downtown.

762. So...

763. you can take your pain...

764. and you can shove it up your asses, kids.

765. I got the monopoly on pain.

766. They did a big memorial assembly for Colin at school.

767. And we had to watch another presentation about curfews and the buddy system...

768. and how to deal with grief.

769. But nobody seemed to care anymore.

770. Sorrow was last week's emotion.

771. Sure, we all hoped this would be the last funeral,

772. but I knew better.

773. So I did some research.

774. Paranormal research.

775. "Offering a virgin to Satan."

776. "If the sacrifice is impure-

777. Human and demonic relations"—

778. "Destroying a demon.

779. "Demons are weakest when hungry,

780. but a blade to the heart is the surest way to kill the beast."

781. Jennifer and I hadn't spoken since our encounter in my room.

782. Actually, I hadn't really spoken to anyone.

783. Hey.

784. Just bought our formal tickets.

785. Did you make reservations at the Cheesecake Factory?

786. Chip, I can't go to the dance with you.

787. What? Why?

788. Look, just trust me. You shouldn't go at all.

789. What are you talking about? Not here.

790. What's going on? You're breaking up with me?

791. Please, Chip! I just need to show you something.

792. Is this aboutJennifer? Yes!

793. But I promise you this is the last thing— Needy, I care about you. A lot.

794. As a person, not just some girl I made love to for four minutes the other night.

795. And I'm scared ofwhat's happening to you. You're acting really fucked up.

796. Pleasejust let me show you.

797. Okay.

798. Jennifer's evil.

799. I know.

800. No, I mean, she's actually evil.

801. Not high-school evil.

802. I've been through the occult section at the library five times.

803. Our library has an occult section?

804. Yeah, it's um— it's really small.

805. Uh, you have to read this.

806. "Demoni"— "Demonic transference."

807. It's something that happens when you try to sacrifice a virgin to Satan...

808. without using an actual virgin.

809. The guys in the band tried to sacrifice her in the woods.

810. But what they didn't know is that she hasn't been a virgin sincejunior high.

811. It all makes sense now. Read this.

812. "If the human sacrifice is impure, the result may still be attained,

813. "but the demon will forever reside in the soul of the victim.

814. She must forever feed on flesh to sustain the demon."

815. - Okay. - She's eating boys!

816. They, like, make her really pretty and glowy...

817. and her hair looks amazing.

818. And then when she's hungry, she's weak and cranky and ugly.

819. I mean, like, ugly for her.

820. Don't you get it?

821. The dance.

822. It'll be like an all-you-can-eat buffet.

823. Needy, I think you need help.

824. Oh, my God. You don't believe me.

825. It's not that I don't believe you. I just don't believe this.

826. God! This is a nightmare!

827. Well, what about the dance?

828. Who cares about the goddanged dance, Chip?

829. I do. I ordered your corsage.

830. It's an orchid. It was, like, $12.

831. I'll be at the dance. I just need to keep an eye on Jennifer.

832. Promise me you're not gonna go.

833. Needy, I— I'm not your guy anymore?

834. Chip, it's not safe for us to be together right now.

835. kids were getting ready for the dance,

836. blissfully ignorant that some poor chump...

837. was on his way to being Satan Chow.

838. In my underpants, Mom! I need to give you something.

839. What, Mom?

840. Ladies' pepper spray?

841. There's obviously a sicko out there who likes boys.

842. Mom, I can take care of myself. I've been using the Bowflex.

843. Did you hear what Colin Gray looked like when they found him?

844. Lasagna with teeth? You heard.

845. You picking Needy up at her house?

846. Um, I'm meeting her at the dance.

847. I want pictures with your sister before you go.

848. Yes, ma'am.

849. Okay, one more. Back to back.

850. Big smiles. Cheese!

851. This is my heart. My soul.

852. Everything I once believed in.

853. Your abortion.

854. Your other abortion. I hate your guts, Madison.

855. - Okay, can we all—

856. Uh, boys? Thank you.

857. Didn't you hear me calling your name?

858. You weren't calling my name.

859. Yes, I was.

860. I-I couldn't hear it.

861. Listen, I need to talk to you about you-know-who.

862. Our little Needy.

863. Yeah, she— I mean, are you worried?

864. Because I am super stressed about her.

865. Welcome to the Spring Formal!

866. She's been acting a little off lately.

867. Look, I think I know what's wrong with her.

868. What? What is it?

869. You know how Needy has been really upset since Colin Gray died?

870. Mm-hmm.

871. Well, it's not just because he was, like, brutally murdered and stuff.

872. I don't wanna say this! Say it.

873. I hope everybody has had an opportunity...

874. to consume some of the pecan sandies and Cran-Grape...

875. that were so generously donated by the parents club.

876. Yeah!

877. Needy and Colin were intimate.

878. And by that...

879. I mean they were porking on a semi-regular basis.

880. No.

881. She and Colin were doing things that you have never even heard of.

882. Okay? Total varsity moves.

883. But the real treat is yet to come.

884. We have some special guests this evening.

885. I just can't believe that she would mess with your head like this.

886. I care about you so much, Chip.

887. More than I've ever had the guts to admit.

888. These fine young gentlemen...

889. have been generous enough to take time out...

890. from their sold-out national tour...

891. to play our dance for free.

892. Needy didn't deserve a boy like you.

893. Boys and girls, please welcome...

894. Low Shoulder!

895. Oh, you're so salty.

896. Yeah, you're... salty too.

897. Say it like you mean it.

898. Say I'm better than Needy.

899. What? Why?

900. - Can we go somewhere else? - Chip.

901. Hi, Camille. Hey! Is Chipper home?

902. - Needy, is something wrong? - Where's Chip?

903. - He left for the dance at least 20 minutes ago. - He walked?

904. It's only five blocks. My God, your hair is-

905. - Which way did he go? - He usually cuts across the park.

906. Camille, sit like a lady! No one wants to see your kiki!

907. Why don't you try-

908. Anita?

909. Mmm.

910. What are you doing?

911. Swimming.

912. Ha-ha.

913. Come on, Chip.

914. Show me your breast stroke.

915. I feel so empty.

916. Yeah, me too.

917. Why don't you just come here and kiss me again?

918. I can't.

919. I'm sorry.

920. Thisjust feels weird.

921. Help!

922. Needy.

923. St. Jude, patron saint of hopeless causes,

924. please give me the power to crush this bitch.

925. Needy.

926. She can fly?

927. She's just hovering. It's not that impressive.

928. God, do you have to undermine everything that I do?

929. You are such a player-hater.

930. You're a jerk.

931. Wow. Nice insult, Hannah Montana.

932. You got any more harsh digs?

933. You know what? You were never a good friend.

934. Even when we were little, you used to steal my toys...

935. and pour lemonade on my bed.

936. And now I'm eating your boyfriend.

937. See? At least I'm consistent.

938. Why do you need him? Huh?

939. You could have anybody that you want, Jennifer.

940. So... why Chip?

941. Is it just to tick me off?

942. Or is it because you'rejust really insecure?

943. I'm— I am not insecure, Needy.

944. God, that's a joke. How could I ever be insecure?

945. I was the Snowflake Queen.

946. Yeah. Two years ago, when you were socially relevant.

947. I am still socially relevant.

948. And when you didn't need laxatives to stay skinny.

949. I am going...

950. to eat your soul...

951. and shit it out, Lesnicki!

952. - Thought you only murdered boys. - I go both ways.

953. Ow.

954. You got a tampon?

955. Thought I'd ask.

956. You seem like you might be plugging.

957. Oh, Chip.

958. Needy.

959. I should have believed you.

960. I'm sorry.

961. No. No, no. Listen to me. I'm gonna get some help. Okay?

962. Okay? Yeah. Okay.

963. It's not working.

964. Fuck!

965. - Come on! - Hey, hey.

966. I'm going somewhere.

967. No, no, no. You're not going anywhere. Yes, I am.

968. I think I already died before you got here, but I woke up when I heard your voice.

969. I love you.

970. I love you too.

971. And you look totally hot in that dress.

972. Oh, you're clearly delirious.

973. No, I'm not.

974. Oh, Ch— No!

975. No!

976. No!

977. No!

978. Abduction and adduction, right?

979. Inner and outer. But you know what's really important?

980. "Hurdle" or "sprint." That's huge.

981. Now, say I wanna do just my hip flexors or just my buttocks even more.

982. I do what's called digging. I use this for a lot ofswimwear models.

983. Very, very, very important. How about Butt Squeeze?

984. Yeah, I see you wanted to touch. Not this show! Not touching this show!

985. Okay. And of course-

986. Best friends forever, huh?

987. You killed my fucking boyfriend, you goddamn monster!

988. You dumb bitch!

989. Mmm!

990. You know what this is for? Huh?

991. It's for cutting boxes.

992. Do you buy all your murder weapons at Home Depot?

993. - God, you're butch.

994. Cross outJennifer.

995. My tit.

996. No. Your heart.

997. Jennifer, what is it, baby?

998. Needy?

999. Oh, my God.

1000. - Oh, my God!

1001. Oh, God!

1002. I don't know who Needy Lesnicki is anymore.

1003. I'm a different person now.

1004. A person who uses curse words and kicks orderlies...

1005. and sees things that aren't there.

1006. A very bad, very damaged person.

1007. But sometimes change can be good.

1008. For instance, most occult scholars don't know this,

1009. but if you're bitten by a demon and you live,

1010. you just might absorb some of the demon's abilities.

1011. You just might get lucky for once in your miserable life.

1012. Where are you looking to go, young lady?

1013. East, towards Madison.

1014. Hop in my chariot.

1015. So, why are you headed east?

1016. I'm following this rock band.

1017. Must be one hell of a group.

1018. Tonight's gonna be their last show.

1019. Look at this motherfucker! Don't be filmin' this.

1020. Listen, go get the door. That's a sharp table knife you got.

1021. Oh, my God! I can't wait!

1022. They're here!