1. Bobby boy, stay Here wHile Mommy
picks up tHe free cHeese, OK?Copy !req
2. THis'll keep tHe sun
out of your eyes.Copy !req
3. You be good, now.Copy !req
4. All rigHt, don't you fucking
move, you little sHit macHine.Copy !req
5. Momma's gonna to try to score.Copy !req
6. WHat tHe Hell?Copy !req
7. Excuse me.
WHo's watcHing tHese babies?Copy !req
8. UH, tHe fat one's watcHing
tHe little one.Copy !req
9. OH, nice parenting.Copy !req
10. Leave tHem out Here like tHat
and see wHat Happens.Copy !req
11. Yo, fuck you,
you fucking square!Copy !req
12. Aw, keep on truckin'.Copy !req
13. Did you Hear
tHat fucking guy...Copy !req
14. telling me How
to fucking raise you?Copy !req
15. Motherfucker, man.Copy !req
16. WHo does He fucking tHink He is?Copy !req
17. WHat's tHe worst fucking tHing
tHat could Happen to you...Copy !req
18. standing in front
of a fucking store, rigHt?Copy !req
19. Fuck.Copy !req
20. Fuck.Copy !req
21. Fuck.Copy !req
22. Fuck, fuck, fuck...Copy !req
23. Fuck, fuck, fuckCopy !req
24. Mother, motherfuck,
mother, motherfuck, fuckCopy !req
25. Motherfuck, motherfuck,
noise, noise, noiseCopy !req
26. 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4Copy !req
27. Noise, noise, noiseCopy !req
28. Smokin' weed, smokin' wizzCopy !req
29. Doin' coke, drinkin' beersCopy !req
30. Drinkin' beers, beers, beersCopy !req
31. Rollin' fattys, smokin' bluntsCopy !req
32. Who smokes the blunts,
we smoke the bluntsCopy !req
33. Rollin' blunts and smokin'--Copy !req
34. UH, let me get a nickel bag.Copy !req
35. Fifteen bucks, little manCopy !req
36. Put that shit in my handCopy !req
37. if that money doesn't showCopy !req
38. Then you owe me, owe me, oweCopy !req
39. Myjungle love, yeahCopy !req
40. Owe-ee, owe-ee, oweCopy !req
41. I think I want
to know ya, know yaCopy !req
42. Yeah, what?Copy !req
43. WHat tHe Hell are you singing?Copy !req
44. You don't know "Jungle Love"?Copy !req
45. THat sHit is tHe mad notes—Copy !req
46. written by God herself...Copy !req
47. and Handed down to tHe greatest
band in tHe world—Copy !req
48. tHe motHerfucking Time.Copy !req
49. You mean tHe guys
in tHat Prince movie?Copy !req
50. Yeah, "Purple Rain. "Copy !req
51. THat sHit was so gay—
fucking eigHties style.Copy !req
52. Hey!Copy !req
53. Don't never say an unkind word
about tHe Time.Copy !req
54. Me and Silent Bob modeled
our wHole fucking lives...Copy !req
55. around Morris Day and Jerome.Copy !req
56. I'm a smooth pimp
who loves the pussy...Copy !req
57. and Tubby Here's
my black manservant.Copy !req
58. WHat?Copy !req
59. What'd I tell you two...Copy !req
60. about dealing
in front of the store?Copy !req
61. Now drop tHe kid
and peddle your wares...Copy !req
62. someplace else, burn boy.Copy !req
63. And for tHe record,
tHe Time sucked ass.Copy !req
64. Yo, youse guys wanna Hear
sometHing fucked up...Copy !req
65. about Him
and tHat Quick Stop boy?Copy !req
66. Are you even supposed
to be Here today?Copy !req
67. Don't get me started.Copy !req
68. Hey, can't we do sometHing...Copy !req
69. about tHose two stoners
Hanging around...Copy !req
70. outside tHe store all tHe time?Copy !req
71. WHy? WHat'd tHey do now?Copy !req
72. I'm trying to watch
"Clash of the Titans"...Copy !req
73. and all I can hear
is those two...Copy !req
74. screaming about Morris Day
at the top of their lungs.Copy !req
75. I thought the fat one
didn't really talk that much.Copy !req
76. What, am I producing
an A&E biography about them?Copy !req
77. Uh, two packs of wraps.Copy !req
78. Yo, how was the service?Copy !req
79. What service?Copy !req
80. The one at the Unitarian church
last week...Copy !req
81. where you two got married
to each other.Copy !req
82. What the hell
are you talking about?Copy !req
83. Jay said you guys had
a "Star Wars" theme wedding...Copy !req
84. and you tied the knot
dressed like Stormtroopers.Copy !req
85. And he says you're the bitch,
and you're the butch.Copy !req
86. I'm the bitch?Copy !req
87. Well, if we were gay,
that's the way I'd see it.Copy !req
88. Will you shut up?Copy !req
89. Holy shit, dude.Copy !req
90. The honeymoon's over.Copy !req
91. Oh, that does it.Copy !req
92. I am going to do something
about these two stoner fucks...Copy !req
93. I should've done
a long time ago.Copy !req
94. Whoa!Copy !req
95. What the fuck, Serpico?
What'd we do?Copy !req
96. We got a report of two guys...Copy !req
97. hanging around outside
a store selling pot.Copy !req
98. We don't smoke pot, yo.Copy !req
99. No pot, huh?
What do you use this for?Copy !req
100. What? I have a wiping problem.Copy !req
101. I stick those
little pieces of paper...Copy !req
102. up my brown eye and bam!Copy !req
103. No shit stains in my undies.Copy !req
104. What, you don't believe me?
Let me show you.Copy !req
105. Check this shit out.
Spread my cheeks...Copy !req
106. so that he can see
the fucking stink nuggets.Copy !req
107. Pull up your fucking pants,
sir—now!Copy !req
108. Let's go. Let's go.Copy !req
109. We're going down to the station.Copy !req
110. What, is it a fucking
crime to fart? Motherfucker!Copy !req
111. No fucking way.Copy !req
112. Dante and Randall slapped you
with a restraining order?Copy !req
113. Ain't that about a bitch?Copy !req
114. So, are you going to abide
by the court's ruling...Copy !req
115. or are you going to go
"Bandit," Reynolds style?Copy !req
116. Thejudge said if we
go within a hundred feet...Copy !req
117. of the stores,
we get thrown into County.Copy !req
118. You know what they
make you do in County?Copy !req
119. Toss the salad.Copy !req
120. I guess if you guys
really wanted...Copy !req
121. to hang out in front
of a convenience store...Copy !req
122. you could just
buy your own now...Copy !req
123. what with all that money
you guys made.Copy !req
124. Hell, yeah, bitch.Copy !req
125. Wait a sec. What money?Copy !req
126. The money from the "Bluntman
and Chronic" movie.Copy !req
127. Oh, my God. Don't tell me
you have no idea...Copy !req
128. there's a movie being made...Copy !req
129. of the comic you two
were the basis for.Copy !req
130. What? Since when?Copy !req
131. Here's the pulse, all right?Copy !req
132. And this is your finger—Copy !req
133. far from the pulse,
jammed straight up your ass.Copy !req
134. Say, would you like
a chocolate-covered pretzel?Copy !req
135. You see, kids,
if you read "Wizard"...Copy !req
136. you'd know that it's
the top story this month.Copy !req
137. Check it out.Copy !req
138. When the fuck
did this happen?Copy !req
139. Well, after "X-Men"
hit at the box office...Copy !req
140. all the studios
started buying up...Copy !req
141. every comic property
they could get...Copy !req
142. their dirty little hands on.Copy !req
143. Miramax optioned
"Bluntman and Chronic."Copy !req
144. Miramax? I thought they only
made classy pictures...Copy !req
145. like "The Piano"
or "The Crying Game."Copy !req
146. Yeah, well, once they made
"She's All That"...Copy !req
147. everything went to hell.Copy !req
148. So you're saying you haven't
gotten a monetary cut...Copy !req
149. of the movie?Copy !req
150. Didn't Holden McNeil
and Banky Edwards...Copy !req
151. used to pay you likeness
rights for the comic book?Copy !req
152. We haven't seen a fucking dime
for no movie.Copy !req
153. Well, boys, I'm no lawyer,
but I think Holden and Banky...Copy !req
154. owe you some of that
proverbial phat cash.Copy !req
155. lfl was you guys,
I would find Holden McNeil...Copy !req
156. and ask for my movie check.Copy !req
157. Shit, yeah.
We gots to get paid.Copy !req
158. And on that note,
we cue the music.Copy !req
159. - Mat mat mat
- L-L-lumCopy !req
160. - Mat mat mat
- Lip laCopy !req
161. - Mat mat mat
- L-L-lumCopy !req
162. - Mat mat meal
- Ma ma ma, ma ma-ma maCopy !req
163. Well...Copy !req
164. look at these morose
motherfuckers right here.Copy !req
165. Smells like somebody
shit in their cereal.Copy !req
166. Bung! Ha ha ha!Copy !req
167. That was good.
Come on in.Copy !req
168. So, what brings
you two dirt merchants...Copy !req
169. to my neck of the woods?Copy !req
170. I'll tell you what our necks
are doing in your woods.Copy !req
171. Where's our motherfucking
movie check?Copy !req
172. You heard about that, huh?
I got nothing to do with it.Copy !req
173. That's Banky's deal.
He owns the property now.Copy !req
174. I sold my half of the "Bluntman
and Chronic" rights...Copy !req
175. to him years ago.Copy !req
176. Why the fuck would you
do a thing like that?Copy !req
177. Why in God's name
would I wanna keep writing...Copy !req
178. about characters whose
central preoccupation...Copy !req
179. is weed
and dick and fart jokes?Copy !req
180. I mean, you got to grow, man.Copy !req
181. Don't you ever want
anything more for yourself?Copy !req
182. I know this poor hapless
son of a bitch does.Copy !req
183. I look into his
sorry doe eyes...Copy !req
184. and I just—
I see a man crying out.Copy !req
185. He's crying out, "When, Lord?Copy !req
186. "When the fuck
can your servant...Copy !req
187. "ditch this foul-mouthed
little chucklehead...Copy !req
188. "to whom I am a constant
victim of his folly...Copy !req
189. "so much so that
it prevents him...Copy !req
190. "from ever getting
to kiss a girl?Copy !req
191. "Fuck! When, Lord, when?Copy !req
192. "When's gonna be my time?"Copy !req
193. He knows.Copy !req
194. I'm the chucklehead?
You're the fucking dumb-ass...Copy !req
195. who gave your comic away,
and now you don't get...Copy !req
196. no fucking movie check,
neither.Copy !req
197. When you're right,
you're right.Copy !req
198. I wish I held onto
a little piece of that thing...Copy !req
199. because if the buzz
is any indicator...Copy !req
200. that movie's going
to make some huge bank.Copy !req
201. What buzz?Copy !req
202. The lnternet buzz.Copy !req
203. What the fuck is the lnternet?Copy !req
204. The lnternet
is a communications tool...Copy !req
205. used the world over, where
people can come together...Copy !req
206. to bitch about movies and share
pornography with one another.Copy !req
207. Here's what we're looking for—
Moviepoopshoot.com.Copy !req
208. Poop shoot. Yeah.Copy !req
209. This is a site populated
by militant movie buffs—Copy !req
210. sad, pathetic little bastards...Copy !req
211. living in their
parents' basement...Copy !req
212. downloading scripts...Copy !req
213. and what they think
is inside information...Copy !req
214. about movies and actors
they claim to despise...Copy !req
215. yet can't stop discussing.Copy !req
216. OK, this is about "Bluntman
and Chronic" right here.Copy !req
217. "lnside sources tell me...Copy !req
218. "Miramax is starting
production this Friday...Copy !req
219. "on their adaptation
of underground comic fave...Copy !req
220. "'Bluntman and Chronic."'Copy !req
221. Friday? Shit, does it say
who's fucking playing us...Copy !req
222. in the movie?Copy !req
223. No, but it's Miramax...Copy !req
224. so I'm sure it'll be
Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.Copy !req
225. You know, they put them
in a bunch of movies.Copy !req
226. Who?Copy !req
227. You know, those kids
from "Good Will Hunting."Copy !req
228. You mean that fucking movie
with Mork from Ork in it?Copy !req
229. Yeah, I wasn't
a big fan, either...Copy !req
230. but Affleck was the bomb
in "Phantoms."Copy !req
231. Word, bitch. "Phantoms"'
like a motherfucker.Copy !req
232. What's up now?Copy !req
233. Ahem. All right.Copy !req
234. So, here we go. Now, this
is the shoot-back section.Copy !req
235. This is where the people
who read the news...Copy !req
236. get to chime in
with their two cents.Copy !req
237. For example,
we got a guy here...Copy !req
238. with the chick magnet
net handle "Wompa One"...Copy !req
239. opining on what he thinks
about "Bluntman and Chronic. "Copy !req
240. He says, "Bluntman and Chronic
and their stupid alter egos...Copy !req
241. "Jay and Silent Bob only work
in small doses, if at all.Copy !req
242. "They don't deserve
their own movie. "Copy !req
243. - He's got a point.
- Fuck him.Copy !req
244. What's the next one say?Copy !req
245. This is entitled "Fuck Them
Up Their Stupid Asses."Copy !req
246. "'Bluntman and Chronic' is
the worst comic I ever read.Copy !req
247. "Jay and Silent Bob
are stupid characters—Copy !req
248. "a couple of stoners who spout
dumb-ass catch phrases...Copy !req
249. "like a third-rate
Cheech and Chong...Copy !req
250. "or Bill and Ted.Copy !req
251. "Fuck Jay and Silent Bob.Copy !req
252. "Fuck them
up their stupid asses."Copy !req
253. Who the fuck said that shit?Copy !req
254. A guy who calls himself
"Magnolia Fan."Copy !req
255. All right, here,
check this one out.Copy !req
256. "Jay and Silent Bob
are one-notejokes...Copy !req
257. "that only stoners laugh at.Copy !req
258. "They're fucking clown shoes."
Mmm.Copy !req
259. "if they were real, I'd beat
the shit out of them...Copy !req
260. "for being so stupid.Copy !req
261. "I, for one, will be
boycotting this movie.Copy !req
262. "Who's with me?"Copy !req
263. Then there's, like,
fifty more posts...Copy !req
264. of people who are joining
Spartacus's here boycott.Copy !req
265. I'm gonna kill all these fucks.Copy !req
266. Let it go, man. They're
not talking about you guys.Copy !req
267. They're talking about
Bluntman and Chronic.Copy !req
268. They said Jay and Silent Bob.
They used our real names.Copy !req
269. It doesn't matter if there's
a comic book version of us...Copy !req
270. and a real version...Copy !req
271. because no one knows
we're real in real life.Copy !req
272. Really?Copy !req
273. All these people
reading that shit...Copy !req
274. think the real
Jay and Silent Bob...Copy !req
275. are a couple jerkoffs...Copy !req
276. because of what all
these dickheads are writing...Copy !req
277. about the comic book
Jay and Silent Bob.Copy !req
278. Maybe one night
me and Lunch Box are out...Copy !req
279. we're mackin' some chick
and shit, and she's, like...Copy !req
280. "Ooh, I wanna suck
youse guys' dicks off"...Copy !req
281. and she's, like,
"What's your names?"Copy !req
282. And I'm, like,
"Jay and Silent Bob."Copy !req
283. Reco'nize.Copy !req
284. And she's like, "Oh,
I've read on the lnternet...Copy !req
285. "that fuckin' youse guys...Copy !req
286. "are a couple of little
fuckin' jerkoffs."Copy !req
287. And then she goes and sucks two
other guys' dicks off instead.Copy !req
288. Well, fuck that.
We gotta put a stop...Copy !req
289. to these fuckin' hateful
sons of bitches...Copy !req
290. before they ruin our good names.Copy !req
291. First of all, I don't know
how good your names are.Copy !req
292. Second of all, there's
not much you can do...Copy !req
293. about stopping this bile.Copy !req
294. The lnternet has given
everyone in America a voice...Copy !req
295. and evidently, everyone
in America has chosen...Copy !req
296. to use that voice
to bitch about movies.Copy !req
297. As long as there's a "Bluntman
and Chronic" movie...Copy !req
298. the net nerds are gonna
have something negative...Copy !req
299. to say about it.Copy !req
300. Well, wait a second.Copy !req
301. if there wasn't a "Bluntman
and Chronic" movie...Copy !req
302. then those fuckers
wouldn't be saying shit...Copy !req
303. about Jay and Silent Bob,
right?Copy !req
304. They're not saying
anything about you now, OK?Copy !req
305. They're talking about
fictional characters.Copy !req
306. Fictional characters.Copy !req
307. Am I—am I getting
through to you at all?Copy !req
308. So all we gotta do is go stop...Copy !req
309. the fuckin' movie
from gettin' made.Copy !req
310. Yeah, and forego the hundreds
of thousands of dollars...Copy !req
311. that you two would be
entitled to in the process.Copy !req
312. What are you, fucking retarded?Copy !req
313. I don't think
I'm alone in the world...Copy !req
314. in imagining this flick
may be the worst idea...Copy !req
315. since Greedo shooting first.Copy !req
316. You know, it—
a Jay and Silent Bob movie?Copy !req
317. Who would pay to see that?Copy !req
318. But, since it
appears inevitable...Copy !req
319. I recommend that you guys
go hunt Banky down...Copy !req
320. and get yo' mother-fuckin'
movie check...Copy !req
321. as you so succinctly put it...Copy !req
322. 'cause that's
what's important, right?Copy !req
323. Um, no, Holden McNeil.Copy !req
324. The important thing here
is a fuckin' bunch...Copy !req
325. of motherfuckers
we don't even know...Copy !req
326. callin' us assholes
on the lnternet...Copy !req
327. to teenagers and guys
who can't even get laid.Copy !req
328. Puttin' a stop to that
is the most important thing...Copy !req
329. we could ever do.Copy !req
330. So when's this movie
gettin' made?Copy !req
331. Uh, they start this Friday.Copy !req
332. So if today's Tuesday,
that gives us...Copy !req
333. Eight days.Copy !req
334. Uh, three by my count,
but close.Copy !req
335. Right.Copy !req
336. My bad.Copy !req
337. Three days to stop
that fuckin' stupid movie...Copy !req
338. from gettin' made.
Come on, Silent Bob.Copy !req
339. We're goin' to Hollywood.Copy !req
340. Tickets?Copy !req
341. Since when did they start
charging for the bus?Copy !req
342. Didn't we used
to ride that shit...Copy !req
343. to school every morning
for free?Copy !req
344. This sucks balls, man.Copy !req
345. How come we
ain't gettin' no rides?Copy !req
346. 'Cause you're
doing it all wrong.Copy !req
347. You gotta give the driver
a little incentive.Copy !req
348. Like how?Copy !req
349. Like this...Copy !req
350. Yeah, but what happens
when they pick you up...Copy !req
351. and you don't make
with the head?Copy !req
352. Don't they kick your ass
to the curb?Copy !req
353. Sure, if you don't
make with the head.Copy !req
354. Yeah. Hey, if it'll get me...Copy !req
355. a couple of hundred miles
across the country...Copy !req
356. I'll take a shot in the mouth.Copy !req
357. Yeah, but we ain't gay.Copy !req
358. Don't be so suburban.
It's the new millennium.Copy !req
359. Gay, straight—
it's all the same now.Copy !req
360. There are no more lines.Copy !req
361. Well, there's a line, and on
this side of it, we ain't gay.Copy !req
362. Hey, all the hitchers do this.Copy !req
363. Why do you think
people pick us up?Copy !req
364. if you get a ride,
it's expected.Copy !req
365. I don't care who the driver is.Copy !req
366. It's the first rule in the book.Copy !req
367. What book?Copy !req
368. The unwritten book of the road.Copy !req
369. Follow the rules
of the book...Copy !req
370. and you get where
you're going in no time.Copy !req
371. Excuse me.Copy !req
372. I don't care
ifit rains or freezesCopy !req
373. You both don't have
to sit back there.Copy !req
374. Why doesn't one of you
come sit next to me?Copy !req
375. Where are you boys from?Copy !req
376. New Jersey, but we're
on our way to Hollywood.Copy !req
377. Oh, Hollywood, huh?
That's a long ways away.Copy !req
378. Yeah. Thank God
you picked us up.Copy !req
379. Well, do unto others.
That's what the Book says.Copy !req
380. Wait a sec.
You follow the book, too?Copy !req
381. I live my life by it.Copy !req
382. You?Copy !req
383. Of course. So...Copy !req
384. you live by the Book, too?Copy !req
385. Well, you picked us up,
didn't you?Copy !req
386. I gotta.Copy !req
387. Well, that's good to hear.Copy !req
388. But it's a lot easier to say
that you live by the Book...Copy !req
389. than to actually do it.Copy !req
390. Can you do it?Copy !req
391. All right.Copy !req
392. Mmm, mmm.Copy !req
393. Whoa!Copy !req
394. I can't believe this shit.Copy !req
395. Five hours
and not a single ride.Copy !req
396. Every day people
hitch to Hollywood...Copy !req
397. to stop studios from
making films about 'em...Copy !req
398. but when you and me try it...Copy !req
399. it's like we're trapped
in a fuckin' cartoon.Copy !req
400. Zoinks, yo.Copy !req
401. Now we can finally
solve the mystery...Copy !req
402. of the hitchhiking ghouls.Copy !req
403. Pull off their masks and
let's see who they really are.Copy !req
404. I don't think they are masks.Copy !req
405. And I don't think...Copy !req
406. that they're hitchhiking
girls, either.Copy !req
407. Ghouls, you fuckin' moron,
not girls.Copy !req
408. I wish they were
hitchhiking girls—Copy !req
409. sexy hitchhiking girls.Copy !req
410. Let's kick 'em out.Copy !req
411. We've got a mystery to solve.Copy !req
412. The only mystery here
is why we take our cues...Copy !req
413. from a dick in a neckerchief.Copy !req
414. Keep it up, beatnik.Copy !req
415. I'll feed you
to the fuckin' dog!Copy !req
416. I can't take
all of this fighting!Copy !req
417. Yo!Copy !req
418. Youse guys need to turn
those frowns upside down.Copy !req
419. And I gotjust
the thing for that.Copy !req
420. We call it...Copy !req
421. Doobie Snacks.Copy !req
422. I like to dreamCopy !req
423. Yes, yesCopy !req
424. Right between
the sound machineCopy !req
425. On a cloud ofsight
I drift in the nightCopy !req
426. Anyplace it goes is right,
Goes farCopy !req
427. To the stars
away from here, wellCopy !req
428. Ri, Ray and Rirent Rob.Copy !req
429. We can findCopy !req
430. - I think they passed out.
- Great.Copy !req
431. What do we do
with them now?Copy !req
432. Let's cut out their kidneys and
sell it to the black market...Copy !req
433. and leave 'em in a seedy
motel bathtub full of ice.Copy !req
434. Aaah!Copy !req
435. No, no, no!Copy !req
436. You see something?
See anything?Copy !req
437. Fuck, man, I had
a horrible dream.Copy !req
438. Yo, man, I'm hungry.
Where can we get some breakfast?Copy !req
439. Who's a friend to
the king of all the monkeysCopy !req
440. Yeah.Copy !req
441. Ooh, check that shit out,
man, the lnternet.Copy !req
442. Let's see if those fucks
wrote something new...Copy !req
443. about us and that
stupid-ass flick.Copy !req
444. "Any movie based
on Jay and Silent Bob...Copy !req
445. "are gonna lick balls...Copy !req
446. "because they both,
in fact, lick balls."Copy !req
447. Motherfucker.Copy !req
448. It's time
we wrote something back.Copy !req
449. Type this shit down.Copy !req
450. All you motherfuckers
are gonna pay.Copy !req
451. You all are the ones
who are the ball-lickers.Copy !req
452. We're gonna fuck
your mothers while you watch...Copy !req
453. and cry like
little whiny bitches.Copy !req
454. Once we get to Hollywood
and find those Miramax fucks...Copy !req
455. who is makin' the movie...Copy !req
456. we're gonna make them
eat our shit...Copy !req
457. then shit out our shit...Copy !req
458. and then eat their shit
that's made up of our shit...Copy !req
459. that we made 'em eat.Copy !req
460. And then all you motherfucks
are next.Copy !req
461. Love, Jay and Silent Bob.Copy !req
462. That'll show those fucks.Copy !req
463. Now we can eat
our Egg-a-Mooby Muffin...Copy !req
464. then get back on the road...Copy !req
465. go to Hollywood,
and stop those fucks...Copy !req
466. from makin' that movie.Copy !req
467. No more hairy-bush nuns,
no more dogs.Copy !req
468. We keep our eye on the prize
and let nothing...Copy !req
469. and I mean nothing,
distract us.Copy !req
470. Holy shit.Copy !req
471. Your love is like bad medicineCopy !req
472. Bad medicine is what I needCopy !req
473. Whoa oh oh, shake it upCopy !req
474. Just like bad medicineCopy !req
475. There ain't no doctor
that can cure my diseaseCopy !req
476. Bad medicineCopy !req
477. I ain't got a feverCopy !req
478. Got a permanent diseaseCopy !req
479. It'll take more than a doctorCopy !req
480. To prescribe a remedyCopy !req
481. I got all the symptoms,
count 'em, 1, 2, 3Copy !req
482. First I needCopy !req
483. That's what you get
for falling in loveCopy !req
484. You get a little,
but it's never enoughCopy !req
485. On your kneesCopy !req
486. That's what you get
for falling in loveCopy !req
487. Oh, my God.Copy !req
488. Do you get free refills
with that?Copy !req
489. Oh, what, this?Copy !req
490. No, I use this
for protection, you know...Copy !req
491. so no guys try to grab
my shit or anything.Copy !req
492. Ha ha!
Hi, I'm Justice.Copy !req
493. And I am so fuckin' yours.Copy !req
494. I mean, hi. I'm Jay...Copy !req
495. and this is my hetero
life mate Silent Bob.Copy !req
496. It's nice to meet you.Copy !req
497. Justice, huh?Copy !req
498. That's a nice name.Copy !req
499. Jay and JusticeCopy !req
500. Sittin' in a treeCopy !req
501. F-U-C-K-I-N-GCopy !req
502. So, you come around here often?Copy !req
503. Oh, I'm not from around here.Copy !req
504. My friends and I
are on a road trip.Copy !req
505. Your friends, huh?
Where they at?Copy !req
506. Oh. Let's see.Copy !req
507. Out there by that van.Copy !req
508. Unconceivable, unbelievableCopy !req
509. Grammar like a hammer,
information receivableCopy !req
510. Sent by the Lord,
here and abroadCopy !req
511. With words that were thought
they could retortCopy !req
512. For force because that makes
run the bossCopy !req
513. So get lost because
I just tossed the possCopy !req
514. Make way today,
and if I may, I sayCopy !req
515. I make pay with JayCopy !req
516. So get away, OKCopy !req
517. Hi.Copy !req
518. Dude, I think
I just filled the cup.Copy !req
519. Ladies, ladies, ladies.Copy !req
520. Jay and Silent Bob
are in the hiz-house.Copy !req
521. Who the fuck are these guys?Copy !req
522. This is Jay and Silent Bob.Copy !req
523. Guys, this is Sissy...Copy !req
524. Missy, and Chrissy. Here.Copy !req
525. Where the fuck
did they come from?Copy !req
526. I met 'em inside.
They're gonna hitch a ride.Copy !req
527. Yeah, I don't know if
that's such a good idea, Jussy.Copy !req
528. Sure it is, Juggs.Copy !req
529. Oh, my God.Copy !req
530. He just called Sissy "Juggs."Copy !req
531. - I'm on it.
- Chrissy, no.Copy !req
532. We're in the middle
of suburbia, Chrissy.Copy !req
533. Let's try and act like it.Copy !req
534. What's with the knife?
We having cake or something?Copy !req
535. Shit. He's retarded to boot.Copy !req
536. Yo, she called you retarded.Copy !req
537. What is wrong
with you, Justice?Copy !req
538. You do remember
where we're going, don't you?Copy !req
539. And we have a job to do?Copy !req
540. They're just gonna tag along
for a few miles.Copy !req
541. They won't get in the way,
I swear.Copy !req
542. I swear, I don't know
what's going on...Copy !req
543. in your fuckin' brain lately.Copy !req
544. Please?Copy !req
545. Look, fine.
They can ride with us...Copy !req
546. but they are so out of here
before we get to Boulder.Copy !req
547. - Honest lnjun.
- Honest lnjun.Copy !req
548. Shut up.Copy !req
549. God, I can't believe
what a pushover you are.Copy !req
550. I can't believe fine-ass bitches
like yourself eat that shit.Copy !req
551. Don't you know
fast food makes girls fart?Copy !req
552. Hey, what's all
this talk about farting?Copy !req
553. Hi, Brent.Copy !req
554. This is Brent.Copy !req
555. He's with us, too.Copy !req
556. Brent, tell these sillies
that girls don't fart.Copy !req
557. Oh, of course they don't.
Only skeevy stoners fart.Copy !req
558. What up, homies?Copy !req
559. Wow. Three guys, four girls.
What's the count, boys?Copy !req
560. Let's rock.Copy !req
561. Hey, Mr. Science GuyCopy !req
562. Don't spray that aerosol
in my eyeCopy !req
563. For I do—Copy !req
564. For I—Copy !req
565. I don't really wanna dieCopy !req
566. I'm a noble rabbitCopy !req
567. What are you guys,
like a cover band or something?Copy !req
568. We're the Kansas State chapter
of SAAC—Copy !req
569. Students Against Animal Cruelty.Copy !req
570. And we're on our way
to Colorado...Copy !req
571. to give Provasik
a piece of our minds.Copy !req
572. - Whoo! Yeah!
- Whoo hoo!Copy !req
573. What the fuck are you bitches
babbling about?Copy !req
574. Hey!Copy !req
575. Watch the language, little boy.Copy !req
576. There's females present. Huh.Copy !req
577. Provasik Pharmaceuticals...Copy !req
578. is a medical lab
where they perform...Copy !req
579. gross experiments on animals.Copy !req
580. What kind of animals
are we talkin' about here?Copy !req
581. Bears, rhinos, and shit?Copy !req
582. No, more like dogs, cats,
rabbits, muskrats, beavers.Copy !req
583. Heck, even monkeys.Copy !req
584. if we don't speak up for them,
who will?Copy !req
585. Right, Jussy?Copy !req
586. Right, Brent.Copy !req
587. Uh, Brent, can I talk to you
over here for a second?Copy !req
588. Yeah, sure.Copy !req
589. Be honest, yo,
you're down with this...Copy !req
590. for the fine-ass pussy, right?Copy !req
591. I'm down with this
because I love animals, stupid.Copy !req
592. Even sheep?Copy !req
593. Of course.Copy !req
594. Sheep are beautiful creatures.Copy !req
595. They are beautiful, aren't they?Copy !req
596. Oh, God, yes.Copy !req
597. So that means
you'd fuck a sheep, right?Copy !req
598. What is your damage, little boy?Copy !req
599. You got a sick and twisted
world perspective.Copy !req
600. No, you're misunderstanding me,
Prince Valiant.Copy !req
601. I mean,
if you were another sheep...Copy !req
602. would you fuck a sheep
if you were another sheep?Copy !req
603. Oh. Since you put it that way,
you bet your ass I would.Copy !req
604. Thought so.Copy !req
605. Yo, this motherfucker
ain't one of us!Copy !req
606. He said he'd fuck a sheep!Copy !req
607. Wait! No!Copy !req
608. Aaah! Unhh!Copy !req
609. Now who's stupid,
you dirty sheep fucker!Copy !req
610. I can't believe
life's so complexCopy !req
611. What the fuck
are we gonna do now?Copy !req
612. Shut up, I'm thinking.Copy !req
613. ls Hollywood near
where we're going?Copy !req
614. Is that where
you guys are from?Copy !req
615. Yeah, right. Jersey represent.Copy !req
616. Oh.Copy !req
617. A Jersey boy.Copy !req
618. Well, what brings you
all the way out here?Copy !req
619. We couldn't hang around
the Quick Stop no more...Copy !req
620. 'cause of
the restraining order...Copy !req
621. which sucks ass
'cause it's been like...Copy !req
622. mine and Silent Bob's home
since we were kids.Copy !req
623. Silent Bob even
busted his cherry there.Copy !req
624. You did?Copy !req
625. Oh, I bet she was a lucky girl.Copy !req
626. Look, fuck that fat fuck.Copy !req
627. I'm trying
to tell a story here.Copy !req
628. Oh. Sorry.Copy !req
629. Anyway, we were talking
to Brodie...Copy !req
630. and he told us about the
"Bluntman and Chronic" movie.Copy !req
631. So we went
to see Holden McNeil...Copy !req
632. and he showed us the lnternet.
And that's where we found...Copy !req
633. all these little
fuckin' jerkoffs...Copy !req
634. talkin' shit about us.Copy !req
635. So we decided
to go to Hollywood...Copy !req
636. and stop the movie
from gettin' made.Copy !req
637. And now we're here.Copy !req
638. I have no idea
what you just said.Copy !req
639. I get that a lot.
So you like animals, huh?Copy !req
640. Sure.Copy !req
641. That's cool. Even snakes?Copy !req
642. Well, you can't
exclude an animal...Copy !req
643. just 'cause they're not cuddly.Copy !req
644. Of course I like snakes.Copy !req
645. How 'bout trouser snakes?Copy !req
646. Ooh. What's a trouser snake?Copy !req
647. Uh...Copy !req
648. What the fuck
are you waiting for?Copy !req
649. She went for the setup.Copy !req
650. Reach in your pants
and pull your cock out, bitch.Copy !req
651. Girls like that kind of shit.Copy !req
652. Right about here's...Copy !req
653. where the angel's
supposed to show up...Copy !req
654. and tell you not
to pull your dick out...Copy !req
655. but we bitch-slapped
that motherfucker...Copy !req
656. and sent him packing,
so it's smooth sailing.Copy !req
657. Let him rip, boy.Copy !req
658. Jesus loves
the little childrenCopy !req
659. Oh, sorry I'm late.Copy !req
660. So what's the deal here?Copy !req
661. Oh, shit.
Don't tell me you're...Copy !req
662. thinkin' of whippin'
your dick out...Copy !req
663. at this fine piece
of woman, are you?Copy !req
664. Tell you what.
Look over at Silent Bob...Copy !req
665. and see if he thinks
it's a good idea...Copy !req
666. you whip your dick out.Copy !req
667. That's it, boy.
Put the dick down.Copy !req
668. You gotta go
from the heart, yo.Copy !req
669. No little perv bullshit's
gonna work for this one.Copy !req
670. Be smooth.Copy !req
671. Be Don Juan de la Nooch.Copy !req
672. I gotta go beat the shit
outta...Copy !req
673. two sucker-punchin'
little bitches.Copy !req
674. Remember, don't pull
your dick out until she asks...Copy !req
675. or until she's sleepin'.Copy !req
676. Bye.Copy !req
677. Don't ask.Copy !req
678. So what can a smooth
pimp daddy like myself...Copy !req
679. do to help the animals?Copy !req
680. Oh, you really don't want
to help us.Copy !req
681. What the fuck
are you talkin' about?Copy !req
682. Sure I do.
I'd do anything for you.Copy !req
683. I mean youse guys.Copy !req
684. I'd do anything
for youse guys...Copy !req
685. 'cause for the lift and shit.Copy !req
686. OK, well, um...Copy !req
687. let me just talk
to the other girls...Copy !req
688. and get back to you.Copy !req
689. Why don't you do that?
I'll be right here waitin'.Copy !req
690. Fuck you, fatty.Copy !req
691. Thank you.Copy !req
692. Whew.Copy !req
693. Uh, you guys
want anything from inside?Copy !req
694. - No, we're cool.
- No? OK.Copy !req
695. Just isn't the same, is it?Copy !req
696. This place licks balls
compared to the Quick Stop.Copy !req
697. Speakin' of lickin' balls, man,
how 'bout that Justice chick?Copy !req
698. She is too fine.Copy !req
699. And she smells
so fuckin' pretty.Copy !req
700. She has a nice voice, too.Copy !req
701. And that body—Copy !req
702. fuckin' smokin'.Copy !req
703. You know, she didn't
tell me to fuck off once...Copy !req
704. when I was talkin' to her...Copy !req
705. or pull out the fuckin'
pepper spray or anything.Copy !req
706. You know, Lunch Box,
she could be the one.Copy !req
707. Smooth move, Justice.Copy !req
708. - Nice going, four eyes.
- Ow!Copy !req
709. Why the fuck did you
let that little stoner...Copy !req
710. throw Brent out of the van?Copy !req
711. Oh, please.
If I had to listen...Copy !req
712. to one more
of those stupid songs...Copy !req
713. I was gonna
throw him out myself.Copy !req
714. We needed Brent, Justice.
He was our patsy, remember?Copy !req
715. We'll just find someone else.Copy !req
716. Besides, I didn't
see you trying...Copy !req
717. to stop Jay
from throwing him out.Copy !req
718. Yeah, I didn't want
to blow our cover.Copy !req
719. Cover, schmover.
You all hated his songs, too.Copy !req
720. Not as much as I hate you.Copy !req
721. We have a very simple gang
here, Justice.Copy !req
722. I'm the brains,
Chrissy's the brawn...Copy !req
723. and Missy's the tech girl...Copy !req
724. but lately, I'm having
a little trouble...Copy !req
725. figuring out
what you're doing here.Copy !req
726. Shit, your name doesn't
even fit the rhyme scheme.Copy !req
727. Since you let our patsy slip
away, you've gotta convince...Copy !req
728. the little kid and the fat guy
to take his place.Copy !req
729. They've gotta break
into Provasik now.Copy !req
730. Uh-uh.Copy !req
731. Uh-huh. You'll do it or you're
out of the gang, Justice.Copy !req
732. Just use the little one's
crush on you to convince him...Copy !req
733. since he's so fucking
in love with you.Copy !req
734. Jay? No, he's not.Copy !req
735. What am I, blind?Copy !req
736. He wasn't kissing your hand
in the back of the van...Copy !req
737. like he was
fucking Lord Byron?Copy !req
738. Well, maybe he just has manners.Copy !req
739. Yo, baby, you ever have
your asshole licked...Copy !req
740. by a fat man in an overcoat?Copy !req
741. Yeah.Copy !req
742. We got about two hours
before we get to Boulder.Copy !req
743. That'll give you
plenty of time to work on him.Copy !req
744. - I'm not gonna do it.
- Why the fuck not?Copy !req
745. Because he's just so innocent!Copy !req
746. Look at him.Copy !req
747. Who's it gonna be, Jussy,
him or us?Copy !req
748. Steal a monkey?
Shit, no problem.Copy !req
749. It's not stealing a monkey.
I mean, it's liberating it—Copy !req
750. Wait a second.Copy !req
751. Did you say "no problem"?Copy !req
752. Yeah. Fuck,
we steal monkeys all the time.Copy !req
753. Right, Lunch Box?Copy !req
754. Well, it's not like
it's a bad thing.Copy !req
755. I mean, it's for a good cause.Copy !req
756. Oh, it's for the best cause,
ma cherie—the cause of love.Copy !req
757. Snoogans.Copy !req
758. - What the heck is that?
- What's what?Copy !req
759. Snoogans, I believe it was.Copy !req
760. What the fuck
do you think it means?Copy !req
761. - It means I'm kidding.
- Oh. Well, that's too bad.Copy !req
762. I can't believe
I'm gonna get some pussyCopy !req
763. For stealing the monkeyCopy !req
764. Stealing the little monk—Copy !req
765. if I had known
that shit earlier...Copy !req
766. man, I'd have been
stealin' monkeys...Copy !req
767. since I was, like,
seven and shit.Copy !req
768. Don't, motherfucker.
Don't you ruin this for me.Copy !req
769. Me and Justice are gonna
get married one day...Copy !req
770. so don't be giving me
no look like, "Oh...Copy !req
771. "we ain't gonna steal
the monkey and shit."Copy !req
772. I'm Morris Day,
you're Jerome, bitch.Copy !req
773. Don't forget that.Copy !req
774. That girl—
that girl's in love with me.Copy !req
775. They're gonna do it.Copy !req
776. Good. They do their part,
and we'll do ours.Copy !req
777. Oh, hey, remember. We meet
back here when you're done.Copy !req
778. You sure you're OK with this?Copy !req
779. As sure as I am that you're
the hottest bitch I ever seen.Copy !req
780. - Fucker!
- Easy, tigress.Copy !req
781. What's twistin'
this bitch's tit?Copy !req
782. Maybe it's because women don't
like to be called bitches, Jay.Copy !req
783. They don't?Copy !req
784. How 'bout "fine piece of ass"?Copy !req
785. How about not?Copy !req
786. What the fuck am I supposed
to call you, then?Copy !req
787. Something sweet, you big goof.Copy !req
788. Something nice.Copy !req
789. Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck?Copy !req
790. OK, that's a start.Copy !req
791. Jay, uh, before you go...Copy !req
792. could you say something into
the camera about the clitoris?Copy !req
793. Man, you're such a bitch!Copy !req
794. Shut up, Justice.
She's just a little embarrassed.Copy !req
795. See, Jussy and I are putting
together this documentary...Copy !req
796. for our human sexuality class...Copy !req
797. and we need a male perspective
on the clitoris.Copy !req
798. The female clitoris?Copy !req
799. Uh, yeah.Copy !req
800. Jay, you know,
you don't have to do this.Copy !req
801. No, it's cool, hon.Copy !req
802. There's a few things
I could say about the clit...Copy !req
803. I'd like you to hear.Copy !req
804. I am the master of the clit!Copy !req
805. Remember this fucking face!Copy !req
806. Wherever you see clit,
you'll see this fucking face.Copy !req
807. I make that shit work!Copy !req
808. No one rules the clit like me.Copy !req
809. Not this little fuck...Copy !req
810. none of you little fucks
out there.Copy !req
811. I am the clit commander!Copy !req
812. When it comes down
to business...Copy !req
813. this is what I do—
I pinch it like this.Copy !req
814. Ooh, you little fuck.Copy !req
815. Then I rub my nose...Copy !req
816. Awesome.
Knock 'em dead, tiger.Copy !req
817. - Oh, I will.
- Girls.Copy !req
818. So, you think I could get
a little kiss for good luck?Copy !req
819. Think I can get a little
blow job for good luck?Copy !req
820. No. Go.Copy !req
821. Fuck.Copy !req
822. Get off my Kool-Aid,
motherfucker!Copy !req
823. Jussy, come on.Copy !req
824. They in?Copy !req
825. You could say that.Copy !req
826. Time to shine. Let's go.Copy !req
827. You are so gay.Copy !req
828. All right,
once we get upstairs...Copy !req
829. I want complete silence.Copy !req
830. Missy whipped this up.
It counts our decibel level.Copy !req
831. if it goes into the red—
alarm, we're dead.Copy !req
832. So that means not even the
slightest noise. You got that?Copy !req
833. - I got it.
- Good.Copy !req
834. Meow.Copy !req
835. Justice, move your ass!Copy !req
836. Whoa.Copy !req
837. Check this shit out, Lunch Box—
animal tranquilizer.Copy !req
838. This shit fucks you up
like Percocet.Copy !req
839. Hold this.Copy !req
840. Keep this shit,
so later me and Justice...Copy !req
841. can shoot each other with it and
fuck like stoned test bunnies.Copy !req
842. Unh, unh.Copy !req
843. Bong!Copy !req
844. Suzanne.Copy !req
845. Boo-ya.Copy !req
846. AhCopy !req
847. Holy fuck!
The little stoner was right!Copy !req
848. Jesus.Copy !req
849. Move, move, move!Copy !req
850. Move ass!Copy !req
851. I can't believe it.
Months of planning...Copy !req
852. and it's all blown
by a fucking fart.Copy !req
853. You can't just
leave 'em here like this.Copy !req
854. That alarm's gonna bring
the cops here any minute.Copy !req
855. That's always been the plan,
Justice.Copy !req
856. They take the heat
off of us long enough...Copy !req
857. until we can get out of town.Copy !req
858. But—Copy !req
859. Ha ha.Copy !req
860. Kaboom, you little stoner fucks.Copy !req
861. Let's go! It's set!Copy !req
862. - Whoo!
- Ow!Copy !req
863. All right!Copy !req
864. What the fuck you lookin' at?Copy !req
865. There ain't no snacks here,
man.Copy !req
866. Now, we got what we came for.
Let's get the fuck out of here.Copy !req
867. Yeah, I know it's sad, man...Copy !req
868. but what are we supposed
to do about it?Copy !req
869. Yo, just open the door!Copy !req
870. Oh, shit.Copy !req
871. Drop the bag! Now!Copy !req
872. No.Copy !req
873. Justice.Copy !req
874. Justice!Copy !req
875. You mind if I leave that...
there?Copy !req
876. Is that...Copy !req
877. My, oh, my, oh, my.Copy !req
878. Who let the cats out, huh?Copy !req
879. Wait. Is that...Copy !req
880. Excuse me.Copy !req
881. Who the hell are you?Copy !req
882. Federal Wildlife Marshal.Copy !req
883. This investigation's now
under my jurisdiction.Copy !req
884. Oh, really?
And why is that?Copy !req
885. Because someone let
a whole mess of animals...Copy !req
886. out of their cages, sir.Copy !req
887. We believe that was just
a diversionary tactic...Copy !req
888. used to call attention
away from the real heist...Copy !req
889. over here
at the Diamond Exchange.Copy !req
890. Yeah, right.
That's a believable scenario.Copy !req
891. Sounds more like something
out of a bad movie.Copy !req
892. Sir...Copy !req
893. the Provasik people
say they rounded up...Copy !req
894. all their animals
except for one—an orangutan.Copy !req
895. The most dangerous animal
known to man.Copy !req
896. Sir, this was just delivered
to the station.Copy !req
897. What is—what is it—
what is it?Copy !req
898. A tape of the terrorists
who claim responsibility...Copy !req
899. for the break-in.Copy !req
900. Do you have a VCR?Copy !req
901. I am the clit commander.Copy !req
902. Oh, my God.Copy !req
903. Plaschke, Willenholly.Copy !req
904. Yeah, look, I need you to get
me on the national news pronto.Copy !req
905. Why? Because we may
very well be dealing...Copy !req
906. with the two most dangerous men
on the planet.Copy !req
907. This is Jussy's monkey.Copy !req
908. Justice died for you,
you little monkey fuck!Copy !req
909. Do something, Tons of Fun.Copy !req
910. Holy fuck.Copy !req
911. Is that thing waving at us?Copy !req
912. Holy shit, it understood us.Copy !req
913. Maybe it's some kind
of super monkey.Copy !req
914. You're my fuckin' bitch.Copy !req
915. You get my back.Copy !req
916. Don't be taking
this fuckin' chimp's side.Copy !req
917. What if there's more
super monkeys up at that lab?Copy !req
918. Maybe they're making
an army of 'em up there.Copy !req
919. Holy shit!Copy !req
920. Maybe it's a conspiracy,
like in the "X-Files"...Copy !req
921. Roswell-style.Copy !req
922. This little monkey...Copy !req
923. could be the fuckin'
damn dirty ape...Copy !req
924. responsible for the fall
of the human race.Copy !req
925. Aaah!Copy !req
926. In this world gone mad,
we won't spank the monkey...Copy !req
927. the monkey will spank us.Copy !req
928. I'm not even supposed
to be here today.Copy !req
929. Aaah!Copy !req
930. And after the fall ofman...Copy !req
931. these monkey fucks will
start wearing our clothes...Copy !req
932. and rebuilding the world
in their image.Copy !req
933. Oh, when only those
as super-smart as me...Copy !req
934. will be left alive
to bitterly cry...Copy !req
935. you maniacs!Copy !req
936. Damn youse!Copy !req
937. God damn youse all to hell!Copy !req
938. Shit.
Not on my watch, motherfucker.Copy !req
939. Die, you super monkey fuck!
Aah!Copy !req
940. All right, you can live...
for now.Copy !req
941. Did you see that shit, man?
Bitches love me.Copy !req
942. Come on,
let's get something to eat.Copy !req
943. What, man, we ain't hiding
in the woods no more.Copy !req
944. We gotta get to Hollywood.Copy !req
945. Besides,
we're in the clear, yo.Copy !req
946. It's not like anyone
knows we stole the monkey.Copy !req
947. Bitch.Copy !req
948. I'm Reg Hartner with an
exclusive "News Now" bulletin.Copy !req
949. The Provasik animal-testing
facility in Boulder...Copy !req
950. was the focus of an attack
by a terroristic...Copy !req
951. primate rescue syndicate
calling themselves...Copy !req
952. the Coalition for Liberation
of ltinerant Tree-dwellers...Copy !req
953. or simply C.L.I.T.Copy !req
954. In a videotape sent
to authorities this morning...Copy !req
955. credit for the liberation
of an orangutan...Copy !req
956. from the lab last night
is taken by these men—Copy !req
957. identified in literature
that accompanied the tape...Copy !req
958. as Jay and Silent Bob.Copy !req
959. In this chilling clip,
they make it very clear...Copy !req
960. that they are in control
of the C.L.I.T.Copy !req
961. We are the C.L.I. T.
None of you are safe.Copy !req
962. Now tremble before the might
of our merciless leader.Copy !req
963. I am the C.L.I.T. commander!Copy !req
964. Terrifying.Copy !req
965. Now here to help us
explain this footage...Copy !req
966. is Federal Wildlife
Marshal Willenholly.Copy !req
967. Marshal Willenholly,
thanks for joining us.Copy !req
968. At this point, what can you
tell us about the C.L.I.T.?Copy !req
969. From the intelligence
we've been gathering...Copy !req
970. we've discovered
that the C.L.I.T...Copy !req
971. is actually a tiny offshoot
of the L.A.B.I.A.Copy !req
972. Uh, the Liberate Apes Before
lmprisoning Apes movement?Copy !req
973. Exactly.Copy !req
974. Now, the two men
that you saw in the video...Copy !req
975. they go by the obvious code
names of Jay and Silent Bob.Copy !req
976. if anyone out there
should come across them...Copy !req
977. or any other C.L.I.T. ies,
please exercise extreme caution.Copy !req
978. See? Told you that restraining
order was a good idea.Copy !req
979. What response
do you hope to elicit...Copy !req
980. by putting this kind
of pressure on the C.L.I.T.?Copy !req
981. It's a difficult situation.Copy !req
982. You don't want to rub
the C.L.I.T. the wrong way.Copy !req
983. Nights like this...Copy !req
984. I miss dating a lesbian.Copy !req
985. Is that your cell phone, sir?Copy !req
986. Plaschke.
Give me a friggin' break.Copy !req
987. I'm on my way.
We've got 'em.Copy !req
988. They're in Utah.
Citizens of Utah...Copy !req
989. stimulation of the C.L.I.T.
is not recommended.Copy !req
990. Well, your plan worked.Copy !req
991. The news is all about
Jay, Bob, and your C.L.I. T...Copy !req
992. with almost no mention
of the diamond heist.Copy !req
993. I told you those two
were the perfect patsies.Copy !req
994. Don't you have any regret?Copy !req
995. Jay and Bob don't deserve this.
They were really sweet.Copy !req
996. The only thing I regret
is not gutting...Copy !req
997. that little trout-mouth prick
like a fish...Copy !req
998. and playing twister
with his vitals. Mmm!Copy !req
999. You know,
I don't get you, Justice.Copy !req
1000. You used to be
all about this girl stuff—Copy !req
1001. stealing, boning,
blowing shit up...Copy !req
1002. and now you're like this
little priss with a conscience.Copy !req
1003. It's really a fucking drag.Copy !req
1004. We all gotta grow up sometime.Copy !req
1005. Oh, ifmoping around
over some boyCopy !req
1006. you're crushing on
is growing up...Copy !req
1007. then pass me
my Wonder Woman Underoos. Ow!Copy !req
1008. Yo, Marvelous Pizza
coming thr—hey!Copy !req
1009. Hi.Copy !req
1010. You the gals
that ordered the pizza?Copy !req
1011. This dopey bitch
ordered a large plain...Copy !req
1012. but I could go for
some hot thick Sicilian.Copy !req
1013. No charge, lady.Copy !req
1014. Hurry!Copy !req
1015. I'm sorry, Jay.Copy !req
1016. You know, Justice died
trying to save this monkey...Copy !req
1017. so maybe we should
keep it around.Copy !req
1018. That way,
we can honor her memory.Copy !req
1019. Now ain't you glad
we came here to eat?Copy !req
1020. And you
were all piss-scared...Copy !req
1021. we'd get busted
by the cops or something.Copy !req
1022. You know what I say.Copy !req
1023. Fuck the policeCopy !req
1024. Fuck, fuck, fuck the policeCopy !req
1025. Yo, yo, fuck the policeCopy !req
1026. Fuck, fuck, fuck the policeCopy !req
1027. Yo, fuck 'emCopy !req
1028. This is the Utah State Police.Copy !req
1029. Boys, we know you're in there.Copy !req
1030. Come on out
with your hands in the air...Copy !req
1031. and surrender the orangutan.Copy !req
1032. Think they're talking about us?Copy !req
1033. Sorry.Copy !req
1034. Don't shoot.Copy !req
1035. Hold your fire.Copy !req
1036. Who the hell are you?Copy !req
1037. Federal Wildlife Marshal.
ls the monkey in there?Copy !req
1038. - The ape.
- What?Copy !req
1039. Orangutan's a member
of the great ape family.Copy !req
1040. It's not a monkey.Copy !req
1041. Look, who's the Federal
Wildlife Marshal here?Copy !req
1042. Me or you?Copy !req
1043. That's what I thought.
Can I use your—Copy !req
1044. Jay and Silent Bob.Copy !req
1045. Your C.L.I.T.
doesn't stand a chance.Copy !req
1046. Anyone not harboring...Copy !req
1047. a fugitive monkey in there
should hit the deck.Copy !req
1048. We are going to open fire.Copy !req
1049. What the fuck
are you waiting for?Copy !req
1050. Get out there
and give him the monkey.Copy !req
1051. Look, man, fuckin' maybe
it ain't so bad up at that lab.Copy !req
1052. Maybe they experiment
on 'em by making 'em...Copy !req
1053. fuck a bunch of different
good-lookin' monkeys.Copy !req
1054. We don't know.Copy !req
1055. You stay out of this,
you weepy little chimp.Copy !req
1056. Fuck, man, I'm no strategist.Copy !req
1057. You're the guy
who makes the blueprints.Copy !req
1058. I don't have the fuckin'
smarts of a little...Copy !req
1059. kid.Copy !req
1060. Do not shoot!Copy !req
1061. Don't shoot!Copy !req
1062. We're just, uh,
trying to take our son...Copy !req
1063. out of this hostile environment.Copy !req
1064. Their son?Copy !req
1065. Maybe they're one
of those gay couples.Copy !req
1066. Yeah, we're gay...Copy !req
1067. and this is
our adopted love child.Copy !req
1068. We're not from around here.Copy !req
1069. Don't make us go back
to our liberal city home...Copy !req
1070. with tales
of prejudice and bigotry...Copy !req
1071. from in the heart of Utah.Copy !req
1072. Oh, God, this is
the last thing I need—Copy !req
1073. a bunch of uppity homosexuals
shooting their mouths off...Copy !req
1074. to the liberal media...Copy !req
1075. that the Federal Wildlife
Marshal office persecutes gays.Copy !req
1076. Are you fuckin' crazy?
Now, they may be gay...Copy !req
1077. but that's not their son.
That's the ape.Copy !req
1078. I think I would recognize
an ape if I saw one, OK?Copy !req
1079. And the only thing
I do recognize right now...Copy !req
1080. is the political fiasco here
that I'm about to avoid...Copy !req
1081. by letting this butt-fucking
Brady Bunch go.Copy !req
1082. Ahh.Copy !req
1083. You are free to leave, sirs.Copy !req
1084. Yes, you sirs.Copy !req
1085. - So we can just go?
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
1086. Please accept my apologies...Copy !req
1087. for detaining you
and your unorthodox...Copy !req
1088. but constitutionally
protected family unit.Copy !req
1089. Un-fuckin'-believable.Copy !req
1090. I might add that's
one fine-looking boy...Copy !req
1091. you're raising there.Copy !req
1092. Hell, yeah. That's
'cause he's from my sperm.Copy !req
1093. See, I knocked up this
hot woman friend of ours...Copy !req
1094. who I fuck on the side...Copy !req
1095. so I'm not to be
all the way gay...Copy !req
1096. He loves the cock.Copy !req
1097. Well, he certainly
looks insatiable.Copy !req
1098. - Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.Copy !req
1099. Well, it's not my way,
but I'll be damned...Copy !req
1100. if there doesn't go
one happy family.Copy !req
1101. All right, gang.Copy !req
1102. Let's just shoot
some tear gas into the diner...Copy !req
1103. and then, when the guys
come out with the monkey—Copy !req
1104. Fuck beans!
That was them, wasn't it?Copy !req
1105. Shit, I said you love the cock.Copy !req
1106. I gotta be the craftiest
motherfucker alive.Copy !req
1107. Flee, fat ass, flee!Copy !req
1108. Head for the sewer!Copy !req
1109. Stage dive!Copy !req
1110. Ohh!Copy !req
1111. You fat fuck.Copy !req
1112. Fire a warning shot
into his bulbous ass.Copy !req
1113. Suck it in!
Think thin! Think thin!Copy !req
1114. One rectal breach comin' up.Copy !req
1115. - Suck it in!
- Gaah!Copy !req
1116. lncoming!Copy !req
1117. Just like Winnie the Pooh.Copy !req
1118. Wow!Copy !req
1119. That was just
an incredibly daring escape.Copy !req
1120. All right, here's the deal.
You and your men stay up here.Copy !req
1121. When I corner him,
I'll call for backup.Copy !req
1122. I'm counting on you, Sheriff.Copy !req
1123. You've taught me so much.Copy !req
1124. Ow. Ow. Ow!Copy !req
1125. Fuck this asshole.Copy !req
1126. Let's go back
to the station house...Copy !req
1127. and cornhole us a drunk.Copy !req
1128. - Yeah.
- Let's go.Copy !req
1129. The whole fuckin'
world's against us, dude...Copy !req
1130. I swear to God!Copy !req
1131. Put the monkey down
and your hands up!Copy !req
1132. Let's do, misters!
You wanna get shot?Copy !req
1133. I didn't think so.Copy !req
1134. Look, man, she doesn't
wanna go back to the lab.Copy !req
1135. And for the record,
I ain't gay.Copy !req
1136. And for the record,
while we're on the subject...Copy !req
1137. I knew that that wasn't
a real little boy.Copy !req
1138. For one more record,
he loves the cock.Copy !req
1139. On your knees, Texas Pete.
Let's go!Copy !req
1140. See, man? He's lined us up
like fuckin' circus seals.Copy !req
1141. Well, I'm goin' first.Copy !req
1142. I don't want no mouthful
ofmonkey spit...Copy !req
1143. if I gotta blow
this fuckin' G-man.Copy !req
1144. What are you talking about?Copy !req
1145. Look, no one's
gonna get blown—Copy !req
1146. - Dude!
- Whoa!Copy !req
1147. Shit!Copy !req
1148. Wow!Copy !req
1149. These guys are good.Copy !req
1150. Very good.Copy !req
1151. Yaaah!Copy !req
1152. Hey, law dog!Copy !req
1153. Hey!Copy !req
1154. See you in hell, cock-smoker!Copy !req
1155. Oh, fuck me!Copy !req
1156. Aah!Copy !req
1157. Hey! Get the fuck off her!Copy !req
1158. That's my ex-girlfriend's
monkey!Copy !req
1159. Hey!Copy !req
1160. That monkey
don't belong to you!Copy !req
1161. Man, who the fuck
just steals a monkey?Copy !req
1162. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
1163. Well, this fuckin' blows, man.Copy !req
1164. We have one more day
to stop these fucks...Copy !req
1165. from shooting this movie...Copy !req
1166. and they fuckin' took
the one thing I had left...Copy !req
1167. from the one woman
I loved enough...Copy !req
1168. not to stick my hand
down her pants.Copy !req
1169. What, go after the monkey?Copy !req
1170. How the fuck do we know
where that car's going?Copy !req
1171. Don't just point like...Copy !req
1172. Wh—you gotta take a shit.Copy !req
1173. No, no, no,
you gotta take a salad.Copy !req
1174. What the fuck
are you trying to say?Copy !req
1175. Just say it, man. Don't
make me ask twenty questions.Copy !req
1176. You could always tell that
stupid Amy story all the time...Copy !req
1177. but you can't spit out fuckin',
"Yo, Jay, I disagree"...Copy !req
1178. or "Yo, those are
some good cheese fries."Copy !req
1179. Just fuckin' say it already!Copy !req
1180. The sign
on the back of the car...Copy !req
1181. said "Critters of Hollywood,"
you dumb fuck!Copy !req
1182. Say it, don't spray it.Copy !req
1183. And might I add...Copy !req
1184. that is one fine-looking boy
you are raising.Copy !req
1185. Well...Copy !req
1186. if it isn't
the wildlife expert.Copy !req
1187. Heh.Copy !req
1188. Your office faxed this over.Copy !req
1189. Now, the guy said it was a post
from an lnternet chat board...Copy !req
1190. signed by
a "Jay and Silent Bob."Copy !req
1191. Ahem.Copy !req
1192. "All you motherfuckers
are gonna pay.Copy !req
1193. "You are the ones
who are ball-lickers.Copy !req
1194. "Gonna fuck your mothers
while you watch...Copy !req
1195. "and cry like little bitches.
Once we get to Hollywood, we—"Copy !req
1196. They're going to Hollywood.Copy !req
1197. You see me driving
down the streetCopy !req
1198. I look so fucking goodCopy !req
1199. What? It's not like cheating.
Justice blew up.Copy !req
1200. All right, here's the plan.
First we find out...Copy !req
1201. where they're
shooting this movie...Copy !req
1202. and after we bust
that shit up...Copy !req
1203. we can start lookin'
for the monkey.Copy !req
1204. But before we do
any of that shit...Copy !req
1205. we gotta find a motherfucker
in the know—Copy !req
1206. someone like
the mayor of Hollywood.Copy !req
1207. Crack? Want some crack?Copy !req
1208. Get you high?Copy !req
1209. No, man,
but you want some weed?Copy !req
1210. You on the job?Copy !req
1211. Yeah, boy!Copy !req
1212. Jersey Local 404.Copy !req
1213. Ho, ho, man!Copy !req
1214. Pumpkin Escobar,
Los Angeles Local 305.Copy !req
1215. Oh, shit! What up?Copy !req
1216. Aw, man, it's a small world!Copy !req
1217. Hey, lemme ask you a question.Copy !req
1218. You dudes gettin' on medical
out there in Jersey yet?Copy !req
1219. Shit, no. We might have
to strike in September.Copy !req
1220. Aw, man. "Norma Rae"
like a motherfucker, huh?Copy !req
1221. Yo, maybe you can help
us out. You know where...Copy !req
1222. they're shootin'
a movie around here?Copy !req
1223. You askin' me
a question like that...Copy !req
1224. in Hollyweird, man?
You got to come...Copy !req
1225. a little bit
more specific than that.Copy !req
1226. It's a Miramax flick.
We gotta bust it up...Copy !req
1227. so people stop callin' us
names on the lnternet...Copy !req
1228. even though they're not
really talkin' about us...Copy !req
1229. but characters based on us.Copy !req
1230. And at the same time,
find my ex-girlfriend...Copy !req
1231. who was killed
in a car explosion's monkey.Copy !req
1232. Man, I don't know
what the fuck you just said...Copy !req
1233. little kid,
but you special, man.Copy !req
1234. You reached out, and you
touched a brother heart.Copy !req
1235. So I'm gonna
give you some direction.Copy !req
1236. Gimme the map, Scott.Copy !req
1237. Gimme the map, Scott!Copy !req
1238. You know where Miramax is at?Copy !req
1239. Miramax? Ha ha ha!Copy !req
1240. ls Hollywood ready
for Jay and Silent Bob?Copy !req
1241. A source at the Federal
Wildlife Marshal's office...Copy !req
1242. tells us that a posting
was pulled off...Copy !req
1243. an lnternet movie chat board
allegedly written...Copy !req
1244. by the two domestic terrorists
themselves.Copy !req
1245. It's sending
a shockave through Hollywood.Copy !req
1246. Jules Asner is on the scene
at Miramax Studios. Jules?Copy !req
1247. Steve, the tenor of Tinseltown
is one of terror today...Copy !req
1248. after the Federal Wildlife
Marshal's office has learned...Copy !req
1249. that hot new terrorists
Jay and Silent Bob...Copy !req
1250. have targeted Miramax Studios...Copy !req
1251. for their next campaign
of blood, violence...Copy !req
1252. and monkey theft.Copy !req
1253. In a posting pulled off
of Moviepoopshoot.com...Copy !req
1254. the gruesome twosome
threatened, and I quote...Copy !req
1255. "Once we get to Hollywood
and find those Miramax"--Copy !req
1256. expletive deleted—
"who are making...Copy !req
1257. "the "Bluntman and Chronic"
movie...Copy !req
1258. "we're gonna make them eat
our"--expletive deleted—Copy !req
1259. "then"--expletive deleted—
"out our"--Copy !req
1260. expletive deleted—"then eat
their"--expletive deleted—Copy !req
1261. "which is made up of our"--
expletive deleted—Copy !req
1262. "that we made them eat."
Unquote.Copy !req
1263. So far we've been unable
to get a statement...Copy !req
1264. from anybody here
at the studio.Copy !req
1265. But no sign
of Jay and Silent Bob?Copy !req
1266. None whatsoever...Copy !req
1267. what Jay and Silent Bob
even look like...Copy !req
1268. so for all we know, they could
already be on the lot.Copy !req
1269. Shit!Copy !req
1270. Ben Affleck and Matt Damon...Copy !req
1271. are shooting a project
on the lot.Copy !req
1272. Have you seen them
roaming around?Copy !req
1273. No, Steve, but...Copy !req
1274. Fuck it.Copy !req
1275. OK.Copy !req
1276. He's got a pass.
Let him in.Copy !req
1277. We gotta play this just right.Copy !req
1278. Hey! You don't have a pass!Copy !req
1279. Whoa!Copy !req
1280. I hate how fake Hollywood is.Copy !req
1281. Where do you think
you're going?Copy !req
1282. Get off of me!Copy !req
1283. Don't.Copy !req
1284. Echo Base, I've got a 10-07...Copy !req
1285. two unauthorized on the lot,
requesting backup.Copy !req
1286. I thought that was a 10-82.Copy !req
1287. No, sir, a 10-82 is
disappearing a dead hooker...Copy !req
1288. from Ben Affleck's trailer.Copy !req
1289. Ooh, that Affleck.
Backup on the way.Copy !req
1290. Hey, I'll make you a deal.Copy !req
1291. This guy will suck
your dick off if you let us go.Copy !req
1292. Heh.
Contrary to what you believe...Copy !req
1293. not everyone in the industry
is a homosexual.Copy !req
1294. How about this deal?Copy !req
1295. He'll suck my dick
while you watch and jerk off.Copy !req
1296. All right.Copy !req
1297. Make it fast... and sexy.Copy !req
1298. It's either this or jail...Copy !req
1299. and you know
what they do to you in jail.Copy !req
1300. I was a guard.Copy !req
1301. All right.Copy !req
1302. And after it's all over,
you say...Copy !req
1303. "Oh, what a lovely tea party."Copy !req
1304. What the fuck you waitin' for,
bitch?Copy !req
1305. Start suckin'.
Bong-ing!Copy !req
1306. Worth a shot.Copy !req
1307. Like a shot in your
fuckin' mouth, you gay bitch.Copy !req
1308. Ew, dude, you were really
gonna suck my dick.Copy !req
1309. All right, now,
remember what I said.Copy !req
1310. Do not look at Ben or Matt
directly in the eyes...Copy !req
1311. or you will be fired.Copy !req
1312. Does everybody understand that?Copy !req
1313. Thank you.Copy !req
1314. You frosted your hair, though.Copy !req
1315. Yeah, I frosted my hair,
but it looks good.Copy !req
1316. This has got to be
the Bluntman flick.Copy !req
1317. There's those two fucks
from the Mork movie.Copy !req
1318. Lips, teeth, tongue,
or lion face?Copy !req
1319. - Lion face.
- Ha!Copy !req
1320. - Lemon face.
- Ooh.Copy !req
1321. - Lion face.
- Ha!Copy !req
1322. Lemon face.
Ooh.Copy !req
1323. Break it down.
Where we taking it from, Gus?Copy !req
1324. Gus?Copy !req
1325. I'm busy.Copy !req
1326. You're a true artist, Gus.Copy !req
1327. Just take it from,
"It's a good course."Copy !req
1328. - What, you're the director now?
- Hey, shove it, "Bounce" boy.Copy !req
1329. Let's remember
who talked who...Copy !req
1330. into doing this shit
in the first place.Copy !req
1331. I mean, talking me into "Dogma"
is one thing, but this is—Copy !req
1332. Look, I'm sorry
I dragged you away...Copy !req
1333. from whatever
gay serial killers...Copy !req
1334. who ride horses
and like to play golf...Copy !req
1335. touchy-feely picture
you're gonna do this week.Copy !req
1336. I take it you haven't seen
"Forces of Nature."Copy !req
1337. You're like a child.
What do I keep telling you?Copy !req
1338. You gotta do the safe picture,
then you do the art picture.Copy !req
1339. Then sometimes you gotta
do the payback picture...Copy !req
1340. 'cause your friend
says you owe him.Copy !req
1341. Then sometimes you gotta
go back to the well.Copy !req
1342. Yeah, and sometimes
you do "Reindeer Games."Copy !req
1343. See, that's just mean.Copy !req
1344. All we gotta do is figure out
how to get closer to 'em.Copy !req
1345. Get over—OK, you, little kid,
you're here.Copy !req
1346. Your buddy's right here.Copy !req
1347. Just stand there and react.Copy !req
1348. Don't say anything—
especially you.Copy !req
1349. All right, people!Copy !req
1350. That's pretty funny.Copy !req
1351. Lock it up,
we're going for picture.Copy !req
1352. Make it happen, guys.Copy !req
1353. Get your fuckin' hands off me.Copy !req
1354. Fuck off, will you?Copy !req
1355. All right.
On the count of three...Copy !req
1356. we rush these fucks
and beat the shit out of 'em...Copy !req
1357. 'cause if they're
all fucked up...Copy !req
1358. they can't make that movie,
right?Copy !req
1359. Ready?Copy !req
1360. 1, 2, 3!Copy !req
1361. "Good Will Hunting 2,
Hunting Season"...Copy !req
1362. scene 16, take 5.Copy !req
1363. - Think about the paycheck.
- OK.Copy !req
1364. So, action, Gus, or...Copy !req
1365. Jesus, Ben,
I said I'm busy. Busy.Copy !req
1366. Ahem.Copy !req
1367. Yeah,
I do remember the class...Copy !req
1368. but frankly,
I found it rather elementary.Copy !req
1369. I remember that class.Copy !req
1370. It was just between
recess and lunch.Copy !req
1371. Are we gonna have
a problem... again?Copy !req
1372. I was still just hoping
you might be able...Copy !req
1373. to give me a little insight
into the Southern colonies!Copy !req
1374. See, Wood says—Copy !req
1375. What'd I say?
What'd I tell you?Copy !req
1376. You'd be back in here
regurgitating Gordon Wood.Copy !req
1377. But you forgot about Vickers.Copy !req
1378. No, I just read Vickers, so I'm
up on inherited wealth, Hunting.Copy !req
1379. But you're no longer the angry,
brilliant young mind...Copy !req
1380. you once were, just itching
to vent your frustrations.Copy !req
1381. No, you stopped
hitting the books...Copy !req
1382. with a vengeance,
and now I've read shit...Copy !req
1383. you haven't even
heard about yet.Copy !req
1384. Face facts, my friend.Copy !req
1385. You're just no longer
that good... Will Hunting.Copy !req
1386. Now how do you like
them apples?Copy !req
1387. I don't like the sound
of them apples, Will.Copy !req
1388. What are we gonna do?Copy !req
1389. - Chuckie?
- Yeah?Copy !req
1390. It's hunting season.Copy !req
1391. Applesauce, bitch.Copy !req
1392. Sorry to interrupt, sirs...Copy !req
1393. but we've got a 10-07
on our hands.Copy !req
1394. Ah, Jesus. Again, Ben?Copy !req
1395. No, bullshit!Copy !req
1396. 'Cause I wasn't
with a hooker today. Ha ha!Copy !req
1397. There they are!Copy !req
1398. Affleck, you da bomb
in "Phantoms," yo!Copy !req
1399. Get 'em!Copy !req
1400. Watch it!Copy !req
1401. Aah!Copy !req
1402. All right, you bastard.
Let's see who you really are.Copy !req
1403. Fucking Miramax. Cut!Copy !req
1404. Shannen, usually I say cut.Copy !req
1405. A monkey, Wes?Copy !req
1406. I mean, Jesus, you guys aren't
even trying anymore, are you?Copy !req
1407. What? The market research
says people love monkeys.Copy !req
1408. We love this monkey!Copy !req
1409. Do somethin'.Copy !req
1410. See?Copy !req
1411. There they are.
There they are.Copy !req
1412. There they go.
There they go!Copy !req
1413. Punch it!Copy !req
1414. Fuck!Copy !req
1415. Those are some magical guys.Copy !req
1416. - Aah!
- Aah!Copy !req
1417. Ew, dude.
I fuckin' knew it, man.Copy !req
1418. You love that shit, don't you?Copy !req
1419. Holy shit,
that looked like it hurt.Copy !req
1420. A-are you guys all right?Copy !req
1421. Let's get you guys
on your feet. Come on.Copy !req
1422. Hey, wait a second.Copy !req
1423. Aren't you that guy
that fucked the pie?Copy !req
1424. You see, man?Copy !req
1425. You see?
It's never—it's never...Copy !req
1426. "Hey, hey, you were
in 'Loser,' weren't you?"Copy !req
1427. Or "Dude, you rocked
in 'Boys and Girls."'Copy !req
1428. No, it always comes back
to that fuckin' pie.Copy !req
1429. - I'm haunted by it!
- You put your dick in a pie.Copy !req
1430. Enough!Copy !req
1431. I'm Jason Biggs.Copy !req
1432. Yo, man, did you really
get to third base...Copy !req
1433. with that Russian chick
like in the movie?Copy !req
1434. You mean Shannon? No.Copy !req
1435. Man, she is fuckin' fine.Copy !req
1436. if I was you,
I would've been like...Copy !req
1437. You like that?
You like that?Copy !req
1438. What, you never
did one of these?Copy !req
1439. Wait, wait, none of that.Copy !req
1440. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
1441. Done plenty of that, my friend.Copy !req
1442. Holy shit, you're the Dawson.Copy !req
1443. James, actually.
James Van Der Beek.Copy !req
1444. What's up with Pacey
stealing Joey away from you?Copy !req
1445. if I was you, I would've
drowned-ed his ass...Copy !req
1446. in the creek and shit.Copy !req
1447. You actually watch that show?Copy !req
1448. Yeah, for Joey, man.
She is too fine.Copy !req
1449. Did you ever get
to third base with her?Copy !req
1450. Actually,
there was this one time—Copy !req
1451. Wait a minute.
Who are you guys?Copy !req
1452. They're our stunt doubles,
dumb-ass.Copy !req
1453. - R-right?
- Of course.Copy !req
1454. Stunt doubles for what?Copy !req
1455. For the movie that we're
shooting in about 15 minutes?Copy !req
1456. "Bluntman and Chronic
Strike Back"?Copy !req
1457. Yeah, you're doubling me,
obviously.Copy !req
1458. I'm playing Bluntman,
a.k.a. Silent Bill.Copy !req
1459. - Bob.
- Right.Copy !req
1460. And, uh, and—
and he's playing Chronic...Copy !req
1461. - a.k.a. Ray.
- Jay. Fuck!Copy !req
1462. Biggs,
you even read the script?Copy !req
1463. There's a script?Copy !req
1464. Listen to me—you would
last a day on the "Creek. "Copy !req
1465. A day?Copy !req
1466. Wait a second.
We'll be right back.Copy !req
1467. Fuck you
and your "Dawson's" crap.Copy !req
1468. Go to hell, Pacey.
Go to hell.Copy !req
1469. At least call me
the right character.Copy !req
1470. These are the fucks
that are playing us here.Copy !req
1471. You take 'em out—
biggety bam—no movie.Copy !req
1472. Useless little ape.Copy !req
1473. W-what's with the weird
gay huddle going on over there?Copy !req
1474. Let me put
my arm over yours.Copy !req
1475. Gay? What's gay about it?Copy !req
1476. It's two guys talking
in a corner, dude.Copy !req
1477. - Yeah, but—
- Why are you such a homophobe?Copy !req
1478. A homophobe?Copy !req
1479. You're always like,
"Oh, that's gay, man."Copy !req
1480. "Oh, look at that gay huddle."
"Look at that gay dog."Copy !req
1481. Dude, that is so gay. L—Copy !req
1482. Yeah, see?Copy !req
1483. - I love gay people, OK?
- I'm sure you do.Copy !req
1484. Oh, look at the monkey!Copy !req
1485. You're gonna tell me
the monkey's gay.Copy !req
1486. How do you know he doesn't
smoke monkey pole, huh?Copy !req
1487. Look, he's so cute.Copy !req
1488. So cute!Copy !req
1489. Whoa!Copy !req
1490. All right, you go in there,
start swinging.Copy !req
1491. Don't stop until these
little young Hollywood fucks...Copy !req
1492. are out of commission.
Ready? Break.Copy !req
1493. That's one funky monkey.Copy !req
1494. Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek,
this is Security.Copy !req
1495. There are two intruders
on the lot.Copy !req
1496. They crashed through a window
we believe might be yours.Copy !req
1497. Uh, yeah, they're in here.Copy !req
1498. Do they have you held hostage?Copy !req
1499. Do you want us
to call your publicists?Copy !req
1500. No, uh, we kicked
those guys' asses bad.Copy !req
1501. Real bad!Copy !req
1502. Well, great job, sirs.
if you'll let us in...Copy !req
1503. we'll take over from here.Copy !req
1504. Um, no, me and Jason Biggs
are naked in here—butt naked.Copy !req
1505. Together.Copy !req
1506. Oh. OK.Copy !req
1507. Well, we'll wait out here
till you clean up.Copy !req
1508. What are we gonna do?
How are we gonna...Copy !req
1509. get out ofhere without
them fuckin' seeing us?Copy !req
1510. You've got the wrong guys!
Doesn't anybody watch the WB?Copy !req
1511. I'm a teen idol, damn it!
Don't you recognize me?Copy !req
1512. Look at me!
I'm the pie fucker!Copy !req
1513. Yeah, well, in prison,
he'll be the pie.Copy !req
1514. This was a good idea,
Lunch Box.Copy !req
1515. In these outfits,
we're totally incognito.Copy !req
1516. Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek!Copy !req
1517. Great. Looks like you've
changed costumes already.Copy !req
1518. Let's get you to the set.Copy !req
1519. The director doesn't like
to be kept waiting, OK?Copy !req
1520. Silent Bob!Copy !req
1521. Look at all these crackers.Copy !req
1522. $70 million,
I can't even get a black grip.Copy !req
1523. It's a shame.
It's a damn shame.Copy !req
1524. Here's your coffee, sir.Copy !req
1525. - You spit in this?
- I didn't spit in it, sir.Copy !req
1526. Any boogers in it?Copy !req
1527. There's no boogers in it, sir.Copy !req
1528. You went to film school,
didn't you?Copy !req
1529. Must piss you off
to see a black man...Copy !req
1530. running a big old production...Copy !req
1531. like this, huh?
You went to film school.Copy !req
1532. Does your daddy know that you
give a nigger his coffee?Copy !req
1533. It would kill him, wouldn't it?Copy !req
1534. There's no boogers in it, sir.Copy !req
1535. Then taste it. Taste it!Copy !req
1536. Taste the booger flavor.
I know it's in there.Copy !req
1537. It's all good, sir.Copy !req
1538. No, it ain't all good!Copy !req
1539. Now clean that shit up.Copy !req
1540. That's right.
Get me a white boy.Copy !req
1541. Get me a blonde-hair white boy,
so I can enjoy that shit.Copy !req
1542. You the man, sir.Copy !req
1543. No, you the man,
and that's the problem.Copy !req
1544. Uh, Chaka?Copy !req
1545. Yeah. Hi, I'm Banky Edwards...Copy !req
1546. the creator
of "Bluntman and Chronic."Copy !req
1547. We met a few weeks back.
I'm the executive producer.Copy !req
1548. Oh, you the executive producer!Copy !req
1549. Why don't you
executive produce me a latte?Copy !req
1550. De-cracker-nate it, ok, Fucky?Copy !req
1551. - It's Banky.
- No, it is Fucky.Copy !req
1552. I wanted you to know that I
respect your work as an artist.Copy !req
1553. I'm something of an artist
myself.Copy !req
1554. I—I was the inker
on the comic book.Copy !req
1555. Yeah, man, you a tracer, OK?Copy !req
1556. Nobody else got the heart
to tell you.Copy !req
1557. You trace.
You go around the lines.Copy !req
1558. You are a tracer, OK?Copy !req
1559. You think Fat Albert
had a tracer? No!Copy !req
1560. Bill Cosby did the whole
thing with a ruler...Copy !req
1561. and it was excellent!Copy !req
1562. Crack-crack-cracker?
Crack?Copy !req
1563. Uh, Biggs and Van Der Beek
are on the set, Chaka.Copy !req
1564. Well, I don't see 'em!Copy !req
1565. Where are the stars
of this piece of shit?Copy !req
1566. Damn, this must've set 'em back
a couple hundred bucks.Copy !req
1567. Get out of my way, man.Copy !req
1568. What the fuck is that?Copy !req
1569. Look at this.
A gay hood ornament...Copy !req
1570. and "The Color Purple. "Copy !req
1571. Who the fuck are you?Copy !req
1572. Who the fuck am I?
I'm the director!Copy !req
1573. Chaka Luther King,
that's who the fuck I am.Copy !req
1574. No, wait a second.Copy !req
1575. I thought Banky and Holden
created this shit.Copy !req
1576. And I'm stealin' it.Copy !req
1577. I'm takin' it back
for the black man...Copy !req
1578. to make up for all the shit...Copy !req
1579. that you motherfuckers
are takin' from us.Copy !req
1580. Do you know that I came up with
the idea for "Sesame Street"?Copy !req
1581. I came up with it before PBS.Copy !req
1582. The white man stole it.
That's right.Copy !req
1583. I was gonna
call it "N.W.P."...Copy !req
1584. "Niggas With Puppets."
Catchy, ain't it?Copy !req
1585. All right, enough
of this small talk.Copy !req
1586. - Let's shoot.
- Wait a sec.Copy !req
1587. Aren't you gonna direct us?Copy !req
1588. Man, I will direct you
to the unemployment line...Copy !req
1589. if you don't stop
backtalking me, OK, cracker?Copy !req
1590. We don't know what we're doing.
We didn't read the script.Copy !req
1591. Hey, it ain't that hard, man.Copy !req
1592. I film the motherfucker, right?
Then I yell "Cut."Copy !req
1593. Then I run the fuck
out ofhere...Copy !req
1594. go to my trailer, 'cause I got
more white girls in there...Copy !req
1595. than the first lifeboat
on the Titanic...Copy !req
1596. and they all want
a part in my movie...Copy !req
1597. and I got
just the part for 'em.Copy !req
1598. So you ready to do this?Copy !req
1599. All right!
Let's roll with the new.Copy !req
1600. All right,
quiet on the set, everyone.Copy !req
1601. Quiet on the set!
Picture's up!Copy !req
1602. I got you new coffee, sir—
booger-free.Copy !req
1603. Get that shit
the fuck out of here.Copy !req
1604. You guys look pretty badass.Copy !req
1605. "Bluntman and Chronic
Strike Back"...Copy !req
1606. scene 37, take one.Copy !req
1607. What are we waiting for? Action!Copy !req
1608. Um... snootchie bootchies?Copy !req
1609. What the fuck?Copy !req
1610. Heh heh heh heh.Copy !req
1611. You thought I'd never find...Copy !req
1612. your precious Blunt-cave,
did you, Hempknight?Copy !req
1613. But now you and your sidekick
are finally in the grasp...Copy !req
1614. of Cock-Knocker!Copy !req
1615. Ha ha!Copy !req
1616. Why do they call you
Cock-Knocker?Copy !req
1617. Actually, there's a funny story
behind that. Ha ha!Copy !req
1618. You're gonna love this.
True story.Copy !req
1619. Whoa!Copy !req
1620. Avenge me... Hempknight.Copy !req
1621. I think George Lucas
gonna sue somebody.Copy !req
1622. Any last words before
I bust your balls, Bluntman?Copy !req
1623. - Whoa!
- Wow.Copy !req
1624. Dance, pie-fucker!Copy !req
1625. Damn, these white boys
can't fight.Copy !req
1626. Don't fuck with
a Jedi Master, son.Copy !req
1627. Yo, bitch fist!Copy !req
1628. Call me Darth Balls. Bong!Copy !req
1629. Good Lord.Copy !req
1630. Hey, that wasn't in the script.Copy !req
1631. So this is Hollywood?Copy !req
1632. Well, then lights, camera,
action, Jay and Silent Bob.Copy !req
1633. Freeze, you terrorist
sons of bitches!Copy !req
1634. Aah!Copy !req
1635. My God!Copy !req
1636. Ohh.Copy !req
1637. Oh! Oh, my God.Copy !req
1638. Oh. Uh, sorry, everyone.Copy !req
1639. That was supposed
to be a warning shot.Copy !req
1640. I'm obviously on the wrong set.Copy !req
1641. Um, is he gonna be OK?Copy !req
1642. Uhh...Copy !req
1643. Not good.Copy !req
1644. Ho ho ho.Copy !req
1645. You are not upstaging me,
Van Der Beek.Copy !req
1646. Man, this movie's
gonna make "House Party"...Copy !req
1647. look like "House Party 2."Copy !req
1648. Or "House Party 3."Copy !req
1649. - Shut the fuck up.
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
1650. Chaka!
Call off Dawson, will you?Copy !req
1651. Chaka!Copy !req
1652. Can I get a cut here?Copy !req
1653. Uhh!Copy !req
1654. Not again.Copy !req
1655. Now whose balls
have been busted, bitch?Copy !req
1656. All right, that's it.
I am out ofhere.Copy !req
1657. Chaka, I'll be in my trailer.Copy !req
1658. What the fuck?Copy !req
1659. C.L.I.T. stops here,
Jay and Silent Bob!Copy !req
1660. Another white boy
in this movie? Damn!Copy !req
1661. Federal Wildlife Marshal.
Everyone stay cool.Copy !req
1662. Go back to making
your adult movie.Copy !req
1663. These men are the leaders
of a terrorist organization...Copy !req
1664. wanted for the abduction
of a little monkey.Copy !req
1665. They didn't really
steal that monkey.Copy !req
1666. It was just a diversion
so that we could steal these.Copy !req
1667. And they're not the leaders
of the C.L.I.T.Copy !req
1668. The C.L.I.T. is not real.Copy !req
1669. No, no, no.
No, the C.L.I.T.'s real.Copy !req
1670. The C.L.I.T.'s real all right.Copy !req
1671. It's the female orgasm—
that's the myth.Copy !req
1672. You know
what I'm talking about?Copy !req
1673. Are you guys all right?Copy !req
1674. I thought you blew up,
Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck.Copy !req
1675. You remembered!Copy !req
1676. Oh, it was a frame-up, Jay.Copy !req
1677. Missy, Sissy, Chrissy, and I
are international jewel thieves.Copy !req
1678. We were setting you up
to be a patsy...Copy !req
1679. but I couldn't go through
with it because I—Copy !req
1680. because I love you.Copy !req
1681. Yeah? That means
you're gonna fuck me, right?Copy !req
1682. Of course.Copy !req
1683. lfshe does, it'll
be considered necrophilia...Copy !req
1684. because she's gonna be
one dead bitch.Copy !req
1685. Hi, Jussy.
We catch you at a bad time?Copy !req
1686. You should have just let
these guys go down, Jussy.Copy !req
1687. I wanted to go down,
but this angel...Copy !req
1688. popped on my shoulder
and was, like, "Listen."Copy !req
1689. And I was, like, "What's up?"Copy !req
1690. Shut the fuck up
before I shoot you...Copy !req
1691. where you stand in
your pansy red booties.Copy !req
1692. Holy shit, I am wearing
pansy red booties.Copy !req
1693. Why the fuck
didn't you tell me?Copy !req
1694. Let's have those diamonds,
Justice.Copy !req
1695. I can't do that, Sissy.Copy !req
1696. Then lover boy gets one
in the fucking brain.Copy !req
1697. Yo, lovely ladies!Copy !req
1698. Would any of y'all
like a private audition...Copy !req
1699. to be in my movie?Copy !req
1700. Bring that ass over. Come on!Copy !req
1701. Ow!Copy !req
1702. Shit! Shit! Shit!Copy !req
1703. Oh, fuck me!Copy !req
1704. Ha ha!Copy !req
1705. Crazy crackers with guns?Copy !req
1706. Time for me to get
my black ass out of here.Copy !req
1707. You really let me down, Justice.
Throwing it all away...Copy !req
1708. for a little stoner
with bad pronunciation.Copy !req
1709. What's it gonna be, Sissy?Copy !req
1710. Which fighting style do you
want me to kick your ass in?Copy !req
1711. Are you kidding me?Copy !req
1712. I taught you
all your moves myself.Copy !req
1713. There's no style you can bust
that I can't defend against.Copy !req
1714. You're no match
for my Shao Lin Monk.Copy !req
1715. Yeah, but I'll bury you
with my Crouching Tiger.Copy !req
1716. - A little Venus Flytrap?
- I'll counter with Dragon Queen.Copy !req
1717. How about a little "Bitch,
My Man Ain't Your Baby's Daddy?"Copy !req
1718. Bring it on.Copy !req
1719. Aah!Copy !req
1720. Fucking stupid bitch!Copy !req
1721. Yo, I hope one rips off
the other one's shirt...Copy !req
1722. and we see
some fuckin' titties...Copy !req
1723. floppin' around and shit
in the air. Yeah!Copy !req
1724. Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek,
I just wanted to say hi. I'm—Copy !req
1725. Banky fuckin' Edwards!Copy !req
1726. Just the motherfucker
we came to see!Copy !req
1727. Holy shit! What the fuck
are you guys doing here?Copy !req
1728. Why the hell
are you shooting at me?Copy !req
1729. Two reasons.Copy !req
1730. One—we're walkin',
talkin' bad-girl cliches!Copy !req
1731. - And two—because you're a man!
- Aah!Copy !req
1732. Only on the outside.Copy !req
1733. Stop the movie?
Are you crazy?Copy !req
1734. All these assholes on the
lnternet are calling us names...Copy !req
1735. because of
this fucking stupid movie.Copy !req
1736. That's what the lnternet's for—
slandering others anonymously.Copy !req
1737. Stopping the flick
isn't gonna stop that!Copy !req
1738. This isn't fair!Copy !req
1739. We came to Hollywood,
I fell in love.Copy !req
1740. Fuckin' we stole a monkey,
we got shot at...Copy !req
1741. and I got punched in
the motherfuckin' nuts...Copy !req
1742. by a guy named Cock-Knocker!Copy !req
1743. You know what? I feel
for you boys, I really do.Copy !req
1744. But Miramax—
you know, Miramax Films—Copy !req
1745. paid me a shitload of money
for "Bluntman and Chronic"...Copy !req
1746. so it occurs to me
that people bad-mouthing you...Copy !req
1747. on some website
is none of my fucking concern!Copy !req
1748. Oh, but I think it is.Copy !req
1749. - Ow!
- Ow!Copy !req
1750. We had a deal with you
on the comics, remember...Copy !req
1751. for likeness rights...Copy !req
1752. and as we're not only
the artistic basis...Copy !req
1753. but also, obviously,
the character basis...Copy !req
1754. for your intellectual property,
"Bluntman and Chronic"...Copy !req
1755. when said property was optioned
by Miramax Films...Copy !req
1756. you were legally obliged
to secure our permission...Copy !req
1757. to transfer the concept
to another medium.Copy !req
1758. As you failed to do that,
Banky...Copy !req
1759. you are in breach
of the original contract.Copy !req
1760. Ergo, you find yourself
in a very actionable position.Copy !req
1761. Yeah.Copy !req
1762. You guys are gonna ruin
my movie career.Copy !req
1763. Well, we want something
for our mental anguish.Copy !req
1764. Tell you what—
we'll settle this monetarily.Copy !req
1765. I'll give you half
of what I make.Copy !req
1766. - Half?
- Half's not good enough? Fine.Copy !req
1767. I'll give you two-thirds
of what I make.Copy !req
1768. Fuck you.
You already said half.Copy !req
1769. You can't take it back.Copy !req
1770. Done.Copy !req
1771. Your shit is so tired, Justice.Copy !req
1772. Call me Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck...
bitch.Copy !req
1773. Hyah!Copy !req
1774. Aah!Copy !req
1775. Hello?Copy !req
1776. Truce?Copy !req
1777. I think I killed both of them.Copy !req
1778. I am an excellent marksman.
I've always—Copy !req
1779. Oh... God.Copy !req
1780. Come on, you guys.
It's over.Copy !req
1781. You all right,
Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck?Copy !req
1782. I was just about to jump in
and fuckin' get your back.Copy !req
1783. Uh-huh.Copy !req
1784. Holy shit, the cops.
We gotta get out of here.Copy !req
1785. No, no, no.
I'm tired of running.Copy !req
1786. Oh, Marshal.
Hey, you awake?Copy !req
1787. Wake up, Marshal.Copy !req
1788. - Oh.
- Are you OK?Copy !req
1789. Oh, my God, I'm paralyzed!Copy !req
1790. That monkey shot me in the ass
and paralyzed me!Copy !req
1791. Oh, sweet irony!Copy !req
1792. You're not paralyzed.
It was just a tranquilizer.Copy !req
1793. Oh, Jesus! Ow!Copy !req
1794. Tranked by a little monkey!Copy !req
1795. My friends in the Bureau...Copy !req
1796. are never gonna let me
hear the end of this.Copy !req
1797. You have friends in the FBI?Copy !req
1798. Uh-huh. They all made it in,
but I failed the exam.Copy !req
1799. Why the hell else
do you think I became...Copy !req
1800. a Federal Wildlife Marshal?Copy !req
1801. I'll tell you why!
Because I'm a joke!Copy !req
1802. Maybe not.Copy !req
1803. I can make you a deal that
will get you into the FBI...Copy !req
1804. regardless of test scores.Copy !req
1805. What kind of deal?Copy !req
1806. You get the charges dropped
against Jay and Silent Bob...Copy !req
1807. and say
you never found the ape.Copy !req
1808. In exchange, I will give you
the diamonds we stole...Copy !req
1809. and turn in Missy, Chrissy,
Sissy, and myself.Copy !req
1810. But I want a reduced sentence.Copy !req
1811. You'd be willing to do that?Copy !req
1812. For him,
I'd be willing to do anything.Copy !req
1813. I'm an international jewel thief
who's facing a jail sentence.Copy !req
1814. That's all right.
I'm a junkie with a monkey.Copy !req
1815. if I go to prison,
will you wait for me?Copy !req
1816. I don't know.Copy !req
1817. Will you fuck me
when you get out?Copy !req
1818. Don't change the subject.
Will we fuck when you get out?Copy !req
1819. Snoogans.Copy !req
1820. Wow, there's a lot of love
in the room.Copy !req
1821. Regardless of what
you may have heard...Copy !req
1822. I do not kiss guys.Copy !req
1823. OK. Play it cool, hotshot.Copy !req
1824. Sorry, Justice. We gotta go.Copy !req
1825. Hey, stop stealing monkeys.Copy !req
1826. - Fuck you.
- Fair enough.Copy !req
1827. Wait for me.Copy !req
1828. What, here?Copy !req
1829. Well, boys,
you're rich, in love—Copy !req
1830. Well, you're in love.Copy !req
1831. To top it off,
you got your own monkey.Copy !req
1832. What more could two guys
from Jersey possibly want?Copy !req
1833. Well, to have these fucks
stop talking shit about us...Copy !req
1834. on the lnternet for starters.Copy !req
1835. What have I been telling you?Copy !req
1836. There's not much
you can do to stop that.Copy !req
1837. Well, short of showing up
at all their houses...Copy !req
1838. and beating the shit
out of them, I guess.Copy !req
1839. You know, with all the money
we're making, man...Copy !req
1840. we could buy
a lot of plane tickets.Copy !req
1841. How many people
want to kick some assCopy !req
1842. Yeah?Copy !req
1843. Do you post as "Magnolia Fan"
on Moviepoopshoot.com?Copy !req
1844. Yeah.Copy !req
1845. Did you write...
"Fuck Jay and Silent Bob.Copy !req
1846. "Fuck them and
their stupid asses"?Copy !req
1847. Yeah. A while ago. So?Copy !req
1848. How many people
want to kick some assCopy !req
1849. I do, I doCopy !req
1850. And how many people
are sick ofholding it backCopy !req
1851. I want...Copy !req
1852. On Moviepoopshoot.com...Copy !req
1853. did you say
Jay and Silent Bob are—Copy !req
1854. quote—"fucking clown shoes,
and if they were real...Copy !req
1855. "I'd kick the shit out of
them for being so stupid"?Copy !req
1856. - Yeah.
- Really?Copy !req
1857. How many people
are sick ofholding it backCopy !req
1858. I am, I amCopy !req
1859. How many people
want to kick some assCopy !req
1860. How many people
want to kick some assCopy !req
1861. How many people
want to kick some assCopy !req
1862. What you gonna doCopy !req
1863. When you're sick
ofholding it backCopy !req
1864. That's right. That's it.Copy !req
1865. Uh-huh.Copy !req
1866. Right. That's right.Copy !req
1867. That's right.Copy !req
1868. That's right. Right.Copy !req
1869. Right.Copy !req
1870. I think I'll kick some assCopy !req
1871. How many people
want to kick some assCopy !req
1872. I would if I couldCopy !req
1873. But I'm really just
a sensitive artistCopy !req
1874. I'm really just
a sensitive artistCopy !req
1875. That's beautiful, man.Copy !req
1876. Now that was worse than
"Clash of the Titans."Copy !req
1877. I can't believe
Judi Dench played me.Copy !req
1878. Heh. Remind me to renew
that restraining order.Copy !req
1879. Why?Copy !req
1880. 'Cause I'm gonna blast that
flick on the lnternet tonight.Copy !req
1881. Why can't Hollywood ever make
a decent comic book movie?Copy !req
1882. - Tell 'em, Steve-Dave.
- Would you stop saying that?Copy !req
1883. Well... that was just another
paean to male adolescence...Copy !req
1884. and its refusal to grow up.Copy !req
1885. Yeah, sis, but it was
better than "Mallrats."Copy !req
1886. At least Holden
had the good sense...Copy !req
1887. to keep his name off of it.Copy !req
1888. Why wouldn't Miramax option
his other comic instead...Copy !req
1889. the one with you and him
and your "relationship"?Copy !req
1890. What, "Chasing Amy"?
That'd never work as a movie.Copy !req
1891. But—Copy !req
1892. I'm so fucking embarrassed.Copy !req
1893. Well, honey, you should be.Copy !req
1894. Took your characters
and turned them...Copy !req
1895. into one 90-minute-long
gay joke.Copy !req
1896. It's like watching
"Batman and Robin" again.Copy !req
1897. Thanks. That means a lot
coming from the guy...Copy !req
1898. who pretends to be Shaft...Copy !req
1899. as opposed to the guy
who takes shaft.Copy !req
1900. Uh-uh. I don't hear you
complaining nightly.Copy !req
1901. I don't get out
to the movies much...Copy !req
1902. but I just have to say
"Bluntman and Chronic"...Copy !req
1903. was blunt-tastic.Copy !req
1904. Are these leg cuffs
really necessary?Copy !req
1905. Don't make me
shoot you, Justice.Copy !req
1906. Yo!Copy !req
1907. The party's across the street...Copy !req
1908. featuring the greatest
band in the world!Copy !req
1909. Morris Day and the Time!Copy !req
1910. Ooh ooh ah ah ah!Copy !req
1911. ICopy !req
1912. I've been watching youCopy !req
1913. I think I want to know youCopy !req
1914. Know youCopy !req
1915. I said, ICopy !req
1916. I'm a little dangerousCopy !req
1917. Girl, I'd love to show youCopy !req
1918. Show youCopy !req
1919. Myjungle loveCopy !req
1920. OhCopy !req
1921. O-ee-o-ee-oCopy !req
1922. I think I want to know youCopy !req
1923. OhhCopy !req
1924. Jungle loveCopy !req
1925. YeahCopy !req
1926. O-ee-o-ee-oCopy !req
1927. Girl, I'd love to show youCopy !req
1928. Show youCopy !req
1929. Wait a minuteCopy !req
1930. YouCopy !req
1931. You got a pretty carCopy !req
1932. I think I want to drive itCopy !req
1933. Drive itCopy !req
1934. I ain't playin', babyCopy !req
1935. I said, ICopy !req
1936. Drive a little dangerousCopy !req
1937. I'll take you to the crib,
rip you offCopy !req
1938. Jungle love, look outCopy !req
1939. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeahCopy !req
1940. I think I want to know youCopy !req
1941. Ohh, jungle loveCopy !req
1942. Yeah, o-ee-o-ee-oCopy !req
1943. Girl, I'd love to show youCopy !req
1944. Oh, wait a minuteCopy !req
1945. - Jerome
- Morris?Copy !req
1946. I think we need
to funk them up againCopy !req
1947. All right,
we'll turn that shit aroundCopy !req
1948. Yes, good callCopy !req
1949. Huhh!Copy !req
1950. Mmm.Copy !req
1951. And I'll be, like...Copy !req
1952. "What, you don't know
fuckin' Jay and Silent Bob?Copy !req
1953. "The fuckin' mack daddys
of fuckin' Jersey?"Copy !req
1954. And she'll be, like, "Oh,
I've read on the lnternet...Copy !req
1955. "that youse guys are
a couple of little fuckholes."Copy !req
1956. Ha ha ha!Copy !req
1957. Yeah, I got a bearskin rug,
y'all sing itCopy !req
1958. O-ee-o-ee-oCopy !req
1959. I got a fireplace,
yo, I can't hear yaCopy !req
1960. O-ee-o-ee-oCopy !req
1961. Well, I'm all the way
live L.A.Copy !req
1962. O-ee-o-ee-oCopy !req
1963. Oh, the things I can do to youCopy !req
1964. Play itCopy !req
1965. YeahCopy !req
1966. Whoo!Copy !req
1967. It's like I don't care
about nothin', manCopy !req
1968. Roll another bluntCopy !req
1969. YeahCopy !req
1970. Ooh ooh oohCopy !req
1971. Aw, coolCopy !req
1972. La da da da da daCopy !req
1973. Yeah, yeahCopy !req
1974. La da da daCopy !req
1975. La da da daCopy !req
1976. La da da daCopy !req
1977. La da da daaaCopy !req
1978. YeahCopy !req
1979. I was gonna clean my roomCopy !req
1980. Until I got highCopy !req
1981. I was gonna get up
and find the broomCopy !req
1982. But then I got highCopy !req
1983. My room is still messed up,
and I know whyCopy !req
1984. Why, man?Copy !req
1985. Yeah, 'cause I got highCopy !req
1986. Because I got highCopy !req
1987. Because I got highCopy !req
1988. La da da da da da daCopy !req
1989. I was gonna go to classCopy !req
1990. Before I got highCopy !req
1991. Come on, y'all, check it outCopy !req
1992. I coulda cheated,
and I coulda passedCopy !req
1993. But I got highCopy !req
1994. I'm taking it next semester,
and I know whyCopy !req
1995. Why, man?Copy !req
1996. Yeah, 'cause I got highCopy !req
1997. Because I got high,
because I got highCopy !req
1998. Go to the next oneCopy !req
1999. I was gonna go to workCopy !req
2000. But then I got highCopy !req
2001. Ooh oohCopy !req
2002. I just got a new promotionCopy !req
2003. But I got highCopy !req
2004. La da da da da daCopy !req
2005. Now I'm selling dope,
and I know whyCopy !req
2006. Why, man?Copy !req
2007. Yeah, 'cause I got highCopy !req
2008. Because I got highCopy !req
2009. Because I got highCopy !req
2010. La da da da da da daCopy !req
2011. I was gonna go to courtCopy !req
2012. Before I got highCopy !req
2013. I was gonna pay
my child supportCopy !req
2014. But then I got highCopy !req
2015. No, you wasn'tCopy !req
2016. They took my whole paycheck,
and I know whyCopy !req
2017. Why, man?Copy !req
2018. Yeah, 'cause I got highCopy !req
2019. Because I got highCopy !req
2020. Because I got highCopy !req
2021. La da da da da da daCopy !req
2022. I wasn't gonna run
from the copsCopy !req
2023. But I was highCopy !req
2024. I'm serious, manCopy !req
2025. I was gonna pull
right over and stopCopy !req
2026. But I was highCopy !req
2027. Now I'm a paraplegic,
and I know whyCopy !req
2028. Why, man?Copy !req
2029. Yeah, 'cause I got highCopy !req
2030. Because I got highCopy !req
2031. Because I got highCopy !req
2032. La da da da da da daCopy !req
2033. I was gonna pay my car noteCopy !req
2034. Until I got highCopy !req
2035. Say what, say whatCopy !req
2036. I wasn't gonna gamble
on the boatCopy !req
2037. But then I got highCopy !req
2038. Now the tow truck's
pulling away, and I know whyCopy !req
2039. Why, man?Copy !req
2040. Yeah, 'cause I got highCopy !req
2041. Because I got highCopy !req
2042. Because I got highCopy !req
2043. La da da da da da daCopy !req
2044. I was gonna make love to youCopy !req
2045. But then I got highCopy !req
2046. I'm seriousCopy !req
2047. I was gonna eat yo pussy, tooCopy !req
2048. But then I got highCopy !req
2049. Now I'mjacking off,
and I know whyCopy !req
2050. Turn the shit offCopy !req
2051. Yeah, 'cause I got highCopy !req
2052. Keep goingCopy !req
2053. Hey, do that over, manCopy !req
2054. La da da da da da daCopy !req
2055. I messed up my entire lifeCopy !req
2056. Because I got highCopy !req
2057. Go, go, goCopy !req
2058. I lost my kids and wifeCopy !req
2059. Because I got highCopy !req
2060. Say what, say whatCopy !req
2061. Now I'm sleeping on
the sidewalk, and I know whyCopy !req
2062. Why, man?Copy !req
2063. Yeah, 'cause I got highCopy !req
2064. Because I got highCopy !req
2065. Because I got highCopy !req
2066. La da da da da da daCopy !req
2067. I'm gonna stop
singing this songCopy !req
2068. Because I'm highCopy !req
2069. Present tenseCopy !req
2070. I'm singing
this whole thing wrongCopy !req
2071. Because I'm highCopy !req
2072. And if I don't sell one copy
I'll know whyCopy !req
2073. Why, man?Copy !req
2074. Yeah, 'cause I'm highCopy !req
2075. 'Cause I'm highCopy !req
2076. 'Cause I'm highCopy !req
2077. Are you really high now, man?Copy !req
2078. La da da da da daCopy !req
2079. He really is high, manCopy !req
2080. Shoop shoop shooby doo wahCopy !req
2081. Getjiggy with itCopy !req
2082. Skippedy be bop doo wahCopy !req
2083. Oh, bring it back,
bring it back, bring it backCopy !req
2084. La da da da da daCopy !req
2085. Lee doo doo doo dooCopy !req
2086. Say what, say what, ohCopy !req
2087. 'Cause I'm highCopy !req
2088. 'Cause I'm highCopy !req
2089. 'Cause I'm highCopy !req
2090. Yo, my name is Afroman,
and I'm from East PalmdaleCopy !req
2091. And all the weed I be smokin'
is farmer's hayCopy !req
2092. Excellent deliveryCopy !req
2093. I don't believe in Hitler,
that's what I saidCopy !req
2094. Oh, my goodnessCopy !req
2095. So all of you skinsCopy !req
2096. Skins?Copy !req
2097. Please give me more headCopy !req
2098. Motherfuck, ha haCopy !req
2099. Afro-motherfuckin'-m-a-nCopy !req
2100. M-a-nCopy !req
2101. Yeah, yeah, yeahCopy !req
2102. Unh, unhCopy !req
2103. A-E-I-O-UCopy !req
2104. And sometimes WCopy !req
2105. We ain't gonna sell none of
these motherfuckin' albumsCopy !req
2106. Let's go back and hang
some more chickens, cuzCopy !req
2107. Fuck itCopy !req
2108. Fuck the corporate world,
bi-yatch!Copy !req
2109. Snoogans.Copy !req
2110. What the heck is that?Copy !req
2111. What the fuck
do you think it means?Copy !req
2112. It means I'm kiddin'.Copy !req