1. Bobby-boy,
stay while mommy picks up free cheese.Copy !req
2. This will keep the sun out of your eyesCopy !req
3. Be good.Copy !req
4. Don't you fucking move,
you little shit machine.Copy !req
5. Mama's gonna try to score.Copy !req
6. Excuse me, who's watching these babies?Copy !req
7. The fat one's watching the little one?Copy !req
8. Nice parenting.Copy !req
9. Leave them out here like that
and see what happens.Copy !req
10. Fuck you, you fucking square!Copy !req
11. Yeah, keep on trucking.Copy !req
12. Did you hear the fucking guy tell me
how to fucking raise you?Copy !req
13. What a fucker man.Copy !req
14. Who does he think he fucking is?Copy !req
15. What's the worst
that could fucking happen to youCopy !req
16. standing in front of a store?Copy !req
17. Fuck!Copy !req
18. Fuck.Copy !req
19. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.Copy !req
20. Fuck, fuck, mother-motherfuck-
mother-motherfuck-fuck.Copy !req
21. Motherfuck, motherfuck- no inch,
no inch, no inch.Copy !req
22. One, two, one-two-three-four.Copy !req
23. No inch, no inch, no inch, no inch,Copy !req
24. Smoking weed, smoking weed,
doing coke, drinking beers.Copy !req
25. Drinking beers, beers, beers.
Rolling fatties, smoking blunts.Copy !req
26. Who smokes the blunts?
We smoke the blunts.Copy !req
27. Let me have a nickel bag.Copy !req
28. Fifteen bucks, little man.
Put that shit in my hand.Copy !req
29. If that money doesn't show,
then you owe me, owe me, owe.Copy !req
30. My Jungle Love.
Oh-wee-oh-wee-oh!Copy !req
31. I think I want to know you, know you.Copy !req
32. What the hell are you singing?Copy !req
33. You don't know "Jungle Love"?Copy !req
34. That shit is the mad notes.Copy !req
35. Written by God herself...Copy !req
36. and handed down to
the greatest band in the world.Copy !req
37. The motherfucking Time.Copy !req
38. You mean the guys in that Prince movie?Copy !req
39. Yeah, "Purple Rain."Copy !req
40. That shit was so gay.
Fucking 80's style.Copy !req
41. Don't never say an unkind word
about "The Time".Copy !req
42. Me and Silent Bob modeled our
whole fucking lives...Copy !req
43. around Morris Day and Jerome.Copy !req
44. I'm a smooth pimp
who loves the pussy...Copy !req
45. and tubby here is my black man-servant.Copy !req
46. What?Copy !req
47. What did tell you two about
dealing in front of the store?Copy !req
48. Drop the kid and pedal your
wares someplace else, burn-boy.Copy !req
49. And for the record,
"The Time" sucked ass.Copy !req
50. Want to hear something fucked up
about him and that Quick-Stop boy?Copy !req
51. Are you supposed to be here today?Copy !req
52. Don't get me started.Copy !req
53. Can't we do something
about those two stoners...Copy !req
54. hanging around outside
the store all the time?Copy !req
55. Why? What did they do now?Copy !req
56. I'm trying to watch
"Clash Of The Titans"Copy !req
57. and all I can hear is...Copy !req
58. those two screaming about
Morris Day at the top of their lungs.Copy !req
59. I thought the fat one
didn't talk that much.Copy !req
60. What, am I producing
an A & E biography about them?Copy !req
61. Two packs of wraps.
How is the service?Copy !req
62. What service?Copy !req
63. The one at the Unitarian Church
last week...Copy !req
64. where you two got married to each otherCopy !req
65. What the hell are you talking about?Copy !req
66. Jay said you guys had a
"Star Wars" theme wedding...Copy !req
67. and you tied the knot
dressed like Storm Troopers.Copy !req
68. And he says you're the bitch
and you're butch.Copy !req
69. I'm the bitch?Copy !req
70. If we were gay,
that's the way I'd se it.Copy !req
71. Will you shut up?Copy !req
72. Holy shit, dude-the honeymoon's over.Copy !req
73. That does it.Copy !req
74. I am gonna do something about
these two stoner fucks...Copy !req
75. I should've done a long time ago.Copy !req
76. What the fuck, Serpico? What'd we do?Copy !req
77. We got a report of two guys hanging
around a store selling pot.Copy !req
78. We don't smoke pot.Copy !req
79. No pot? What do you use this for?Copy !req
80. I have a wiping problem,
I stick those little pieces of paper...Copy !req
81. over my brown eye and bam!
- No shit stains on my undies.Copy !req
82. You don't believe me? I'll show you.Copy !req
83. Check this out.Copy !req
84. Just spread my cheeks and
you can see the stink nuggets.Copy !req
85. Pull up your fucking pants, sir.Copy !req
86. Now!Copy !req
87. Let's go.
We're going down to the station.Copy !req
88. What, is it a crime to fart?
MotherfuckerCopy !req
89. No fucking way!Copy !req
90. Dante and Randal slapped you
with a restraining order?Copy !req
91. Ain't that about a bitch?Copy !req
92. Are you gonna abide by
the court's ruling...Copy !req
93. or are you gonna go bandit,
Reynold's style?Copy !req
94. Judge said if we go within
a hundred feet of the store...Copy !req
95. we get thrown into County.Copy !req
96. You know what they make you do
in County?Copy !req
97. Toss the salad.Copy !req
98. If you guys really wanted to hang out
in front of a convenience store...Copy !req
99. you could buy your own with all that
money you guys made.Copy !req
100. Hell, yeah, bitch.Copy !req
101. Wait a second-what money?Copy !req
102. The money from the Bluntman
And Chronic movie.Copy !req
103. Oh my God,
don't tell me you have no idea...Copy !req
104. that there's a movie being made of
the comic...Copy !req
105. you two were the basis for?Copy !req
106. What? Since when?Copy !req
107. Here's the pulse.
And this is your finger...Copy !req
108. far from the pulse,
jammed straight up your ass.Copy !req
109. Would you like
a chocolate covered pretzel?Copy !req
110. If you read Wizard, you'd know
that it's the top story this month.Copy !req
111. Check it out.Copy !req
112. When the fuck did this happen?Copy !req
113. After-X-Men hit at the box office...Copy !req
114. all the studios started buying
every comic property...Copy !req
115. they could get their dirty
little hands on.Copy !req
116. Miramax optioned Bluntman And Chronic.Copy !req
117. Miramax?Copy !req
118. I thought
they only made classy pictures...Copy !req
119. like The Piano, or The Crying Game.Copy !req
120. Once they made She's All That,
everything went to hell.Copy !req
121. You're saying you haven't gotten
a monetary cut of the movie?Copy !req
122. Didn't Holden McNeil
and Banky Edwards...Copy !req
123. used to pay you likeness rights
for the comic book?Copy !req
124. We haven't seen a fucking dime
for no movie.Copy !req
125. I'm no lawyer,
but I think Holden and Banky...Copy !req
126. owe you some of that proverbial
"fat cash".Copy !req
127. If I was you guys,
I'd find Holden McNeil...Copy !req
128. and ask for my movie check.Copy !req
129. Shit, yeah, we gots to get paid!Copy !req
130. And on that note, we cue the music.Copy !req
131. Look at these morose motherfuckers
right here.Copy !req
132. Smells like somebody shit
in their cereal. Bunngg!Copy !req
133. Come on in.Copy !req
134. What brings you two dirt merchants
to my neck of the woods?Copy !req
135. I'll tell you what our necks are
doing in your woods.Copy !req
136. Where's our motherfucking movie check?Copy !req
137. You heard about that, huh?Copy !req
138. I got nothing to do with it.Copy !req
139. That's Banky's deal.Copy !req
140. He owns the property now.Copy !req
141. I sold my half of the Bluntman and
Chronic rights to him years ago.Copy !req
142. Why the fuck would you do
a thing like that?Copy !req
143. Why in Gods' name would I want to
keep writing about characters...Copy !req
144. whose central preoccupation is weed
and dick and fart jokes.Copy !req
145. You gotta grow, man.Copy !req
146. Don't you want anything more
for yourself?Copy !req
147. I know this poor hapless son of
a bitch does.Copy !req
148. I look into his sorry, doe eyes and
I see a man crying out.Copy !req
149. He's crying out "When, Lord?"Copy !req
150. When the fuck can your servant...Copy !req
151. ditch this foul mouthed
little chucklehead...Copy !req
152. to whom I am a constant victim of
his folly.Copy !req
153. So much so that it prevents me
from ever getting a girl.Copy !req
154. Fuck! When, Lord, when?Copy !req
155. When's it gonna be my time?Copy !req
156. He knows.Copy !req
157. I'm the chucklehead?Copy !req
158. You're the fucking dumb ass...Copy !req
159. who gave your comic away.Copy !req
160. Now you don't get no
fucking movie check neither.Copy !req
161. When you're right, you're right.Copy !req
162. I wish I'd held on to a little piece
of that thing because...Copy !req
163. if the buzz is any sign, that movie's
gonna make some huge bank.Copy !req
164. What buzz?Copy !req
165. The internet buzz.Copy !req
166. What the fuck is the internet?Copy !req
167. The internet is a communications
tool used the world over...Copy !req
168. where people can come together
to bitch about movies...Copy !req
169. and share pornography.Copy !req
170. Like this-Movie Poop Shoot-dot-com.Copy !req
171. Poop shoot, yeah.Copy !req
172. This is a site populated
by militant movie buffs.Copy !req
173. Sad, pathetic little bastards living
in their parents' basement...Copy !req
174. downloading scripts and what
they think is inside information...Copy !req
175. about movies and actors that
they claim to despise yet...Copy !req
176. can't stop discussing.Copy !req
177. Okay, this is about Bluntman & Chronic.Copy !req
178. "Inside sources tell me Miramax is
starting production this Friday..."Copy !req
179. "on their adaptation of underground
comic fav Bluntman & Chronic."Copy !req
180. Friday? Shit.Copy !req
181. Does it say who's playing us
in the movie?Copy !req
182. No, but it's Miramax,Copy !req
183. so I'm sure
it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.Copy !req
184. They put them in a bunch of movies.Copy !req
185. Who?Copy !req
186. Those kids from "Good Will Hunting".Copy !req
187. You mean that fucking movie
with Mork from Ork in it?Copy !req
188. I wasn't a big fan either.Copy !req
189. But Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms".Copy !req
190. Word, bitch.
"Phantoms" was a motherfucker!Copy !req
191. Here we go.Copy !req
192. This is the shoot back section.Copy !req
193. This is where the people get to
chime in with their two cents.Copy !req
194. Here's a guy with
the chick-magnet name "Wampa One"...Copy !req
195. opining on what he thinks about
Bluntman & Chronic.Copy !req
196. He says...Copy !req
197. "Bluntman & Chronic and their stupid
alter egos Jay & Silent Bob...Copy !req
198. "only work in small doses, if at all."Copy !req
199. "They don't deserve their own movie."Copy !req
200. He's got a point.Copy !req
201. Fuck him. What's the next one say?Copy !req
202. This is entitled
"Fuck Them Up Their Stupid Asses".Copy !req
203. "Bluntman & Chronic is the
worst comic I ever read."Copy !req
204. "Jay & Silent Bob
are stupid characters."Copy !req
205. "A couple of stoners who spout
dumb ass catch phrases..."Copy !req
206. "like a third rate Cheech & Chong,
or Bill & Ted."Copy !req
207. "Fuck Jay & Silent Bob!
Fuck them up their stupid asses!"Copy !req
208. Who the fuck said that shit?Copy !req
209. He calls himself Magnolia Fan.
Check this one out.Copy !req
210. "Jay & Silent Bob are one-note jokes
that only stoners laugh at."Copy !req
211. "They are fucking clown shoes."Copy !req
212. "If they were real I'd beat the shit
out of them for being so stupid."Copy !req
213. "I will be boycotting this movie.
Who is with me?"Copy !req
214. Then there's fifty more posts
of people...Copy !req
215. who are joining this guy's boycott.Copy !req
216. I'm gonna kill all these fucks.Copy !req
217. Let it go.
They're not talking about you guys.Copy !req
218. They're talking about
Bluntman & Chronic.Copy !req
219. But they said Jay & Silent Bob.Copy !req
220. They used our real names.Copy !req
221. It doesn't matter
if there's a comic version...Copy !req
222. because no one knows we're real
in real life.Copy !req
223. And all the people reading that
shit think the real Jay & Silent Bob...Copy !req
224. are a couple of jerk-offs
because of what these dick-heads...Copy !req
225. are writing about
the comic Jay & Silent Bob.Copy !req
226. Maybe one night me and lunch-box
are making some chick and she says...Copy !req
227. "Oooh, I want to suck your dicks off.Copy !req
228. What're your names?"Copy !req
229. And I say
"Jay & Silent Bob. Recognize."Copy !req
230. And she says
"I read on the internet that..."Copy !req
231. "you guys were a couple of
little fucking jerk-offs."Copy !req
232. And then she goes and sucks
two other guys dicks off instead.Copy !req
233. Fuck that!Copy !req
234. We got to put a stop to
these fucking hateful...Copy !req
235. sons of bitches before they ruin
our good names.Copy !req
236. First of all, I don't know
how good your names are...Copy !req
237. and second, there's not much you can do
about stopping this bile.Copy !req
238. The internet has given everyone
in America a voice...Copy !req
239. and everyone in America
has chosen to use that voice...Copy !req
240. to bitch about movies.Copy !req
241. As long as
there's Bluntman & Chronic movie...Copy !req
242. the net nerds are gonna have
something negative to say.Copy !req
243. Wait a second.Copy !req
244. If there wasn't
a Bluntman & Chronic movie...Copy !req
245. then those fuckers wouldn't be saying
shit about Jay & Silent Bob.Copy !req
246. They're not saying anything
about you now.Copy !req
247. They're talking
about fictional characters.Copy !req
248. Fictional characters.Copy !req
249. Am I getting through to you at all?Copy !req
250. So all we gotta do is stop
the fucking movie from getting made.Copy !req
251. And forego the hundreds
of thousands of dollars...Copy !req
252. that you two would be entitled to
in the process.Copy !req
253. Are you fucking retarded?Copy !req
254. I don't think I'm alone in the world...Copy !req
255. Greedo shooting first.Copy !req
256. A Jay & Silent Bob movie?Copy !req
257. Who'd pay to see that?Copy !req
258. But, since it appears inevitable,
I recommend that you...Copy !req
259. go hunt Banky down and get
your mother fucking movie check...Copy !req
260. as you succinctly put it,
because that's what's important, right?Copy !req
261. No, Holden McNeil.Copy !req
262. The important thing here
is a bunch of mother fuckers...Copy !req
263. we don't even know calling us
assholes on the internet...Copy !req
264. to teenagers and guys
who can't even get laid.Copy !req
265. Putting a stop to that is the most
important thing we could ever do.Copy !req
266. When is this movie getting made?Copy !req
267. They start this Friday.Copy !req
268. So, if today is Tuesday,
that gives us...Copy !req
269. eight days.Copy !req
270. Three by my count, but close.Copy !req
271. My bad.Copy !req
272. Three days to stop that fucking
stupid movie from getting made.Copy !req
273. C'mon, Silent Bob-
we're going to Hollywood.Copy !req
274. Tickets?Copy !req
275. Since when did they start charging
for the bus?Copy !req
276. Didn't we used to ride that shit to
school every morning for free?Copy !req
277. This sucks balls, man.Copy !req
278. How come we ain't getting no rides?Copy !req
279. Because you're doing it all wrong.Copy !req
280. You gotta give
the driver a little incentive.Copy !req
281. Like how?Copy !req
282. Like this.Copy !req
283. But what happens when they pick
you up and you don't...Copy !req
284. make with the head?Copy !req
285. Don't they kick your ass to the curb?Copy !req
286. Sure, if you don't make with the head.Copy !req
287. Yeah. If it'll get me a couple
hundred miles across the country...Copy !req
288. I'll take a shot in the mouth.Copy !req
289. But we ain't gay.Copy !req
290. Don't be so suburban.Copy !req
291. It's the new millennium.Copy !req
292. Gay, straight- it's all the same now.Copy !req
293. There are no more lines.Copy !req
294. There's a line,
and on the side of it we ain't gay.Copy !req
295. All the hitchers do this.Copy !req
296. Why do you think people pick us up?Copy !req
297. If you get a ride, it's expected.Copy !req
298. I don't care who the driver is.Copy !req
299. It's the first rule in the book.Copy !req
300. What book?Copy !req
301. The unwritten book of the road.Copy !req
302. Follow the rules of the book...Copy !req
303. and you'll get
where you're going in no time.Copy !req
304. Excuse me.Copy !req
305. You both don't have to sit back there.Copy !req
306. Why doesn't one of you come sit
next to me?Copy !req
307. Where are you boys from?Copy !req
308. New Jersey.Copy !req
309. But we're on our way to Hollywood.Copy !req
310. Hollywood, huh? That's far away.Copy !req
311. Thank God you picked us up.Copy !req
312. Do unto others-
that's what the book says.Copy !req
313. Wait a second- you follow the book too?Copy !req
314. I live my life by it.Copy !req
315. - You?
- Of course.Copy !req
316. So you live by the book, too?Copy !req
317. You picked us up, didn't you?
I have to.Copy !req
318. That's good to hear...Copy !req
319. but it's a lot easier to say
you live by the book...Copy !req
320. than to actually do it.Copy !req
321. Can you do it?
All right.Copy !req
322. I can't believe this shit.Copy !req
323. Five hours and not a single ride.Copy !req
324. Every day people hitch to Hollywood...Copy !req
325. but when you and me try it's like
we're trapped in a fucking cartoon.Copy !req
326. Zoinks.Copy !req
327. Now we can finally solve the mystery
of the hitchhiking ghouls.Copy !req
328. Pull off their masks and let's see
who they really are.Copy !req
329. I don't think they are masks.Copy !req
330. And I don't think
they're hitchhiking girls, either.Copy !req
331. Ghouls, you fucking moron, not girls.Copy !req
332. I wish they were hitchhiking girl.Copy !req
333. Sexy, hitchhiking girls.Copy !req
334. Let's kick them out.Copy !req
335. We have a mystery to solve.Copy !req
336. The only mystery here is
why we take our cues...Copy !req
337. from a dick in a neckerchief.Copy !req
338. Keep it up, beatnik.Copy !req
339. I'll feed you to the fucking dog.Copy !req
340. I can't take all this fighting.Copy !req
341. You guys need to turn those
frowns upside down.Copy !req
342. And I got just the thing for that.Copy !req
343. We call it...Copy !req
344. doobie snacks.Copy !req
345. Hi, Jay and Silent Bob.Copy !req
346. I think they passed out.Copy !req
347. Great. What do we do with them now?Copy !req
348. Let's cut out their kidneys
and sell them on the black market...Copy !req
349. and leave them in
a seedy motel bathtub full of ice.Copy !req
350. You see something?Copy !req
351. Anything?Copy !req
352. I had a horrible dream.Copy !req
353. Man, I'm hungry.Copy !req
354. Where can we get some breakfast?Copy !req
355. Yeah.Copy !req
356. Check that shit out.Copy !req
357. The internet.Copy !req
358. Let's see if those fucks wrote
something new about us...Copy !req
359. or that stupid-ass flick.Copy !req
360. "Any movie based on Jay and Silent Bob
are gonna lick balls..."Copy !req
361. "because they both, in fact,
lick balls."Copy !req
362. Mother fucker.Copy !req
363. It's time we wrote something back.Copy !req
364. Type this shit down.Copy !req
365. All you mother fuckers are gonna pay.Copy !req
366. You are the ones
who are the ball lickers.Copy !req
367. We're gonna fuck your mothers
while you watch and cry...Copy !req
368. like little whiny bitches.Copy !req
369. One we get to Hollywood...Copy !req
370. and find those Miramax fucks
who are making the movie...Copy !req
371. we're gonna make them eat our shit-
then shit out our shit...Copy !req
372. and eat their shit that's made up
of our shit that we make them eat.Copy !req
373. And then all you mother fucks are next.Copy !req
374. Love, Jay & Silent Bob.Copy !req
375. That'll show those fucks.Copy !req
376. Now we can eat our Egga-Mooby MuffinCopy !req
377. then get back on the road,
go to Hollywood and stop those fucks...Copy !req
378. from making that movie.Copy !req
379. No more hairy bush nuns, no more dogs.Copy !req
380. We keep our eye on the prize.Copy !req
381. And let nothing...Copy !req
382. and I mean nothing distract us.Copy !req
383. Holy shit!Copy !req
384. Oh, my God.Copy !req
385. Do you get free refills with that?Copy !req
386. This? No, I use this for protection.Copy !req
387. So that no guys try to grab my shit
or anything.Copy !req
388. Hi, I'm Justice.Copy !req
389. And I am so fucking yours.Copy !req
390. I mean- hi, I'm Jay.Copy !req
391. And this is my hetero life-mate,
Silent Bob.Copy !req
392. It's nice to meet you.Copy !req
393. Justice, huh? That's a nice name.Copy !req
394. Jay and Justice sitting in a tree...Copy !req
395. f-u-c-k-I-n-g.Copy !req
396. So you come around here often?Copy !req
397. I'm not from around here.Copy !req
398. My friends and I are on a road trip.Copy !req
399. Friends, huh?Copy !req
400. Where are they at?Copy !req
401. Out there by that van.Copy !req
402. Hi.Copy !req
403. Dude, I think I just filled the cup.Copy !req
404. Ladies, ladies, ladies -
Jay and Silent Bob are in the house.Copy !req
405. Who the fuck are these guys?Copy !req
406. This is Jay and Silent Bob.Copy !req
407. Guys, this is Sissy, Missy and Chrissy.Copy !req
408. Where the fuck did they come from?Copy !req
409. I met them inside.Copy !req
410. They're gonna hitch a ride.Copy !req
411. I don't know if that's such a good ideaCopy !req
412. Sure it is, Jugs.Copy !req
413. Oh, my God!Copy !req
414. He just called Sissy "Jugs".Copy !req
415. - I'm on it.
- Chrissy, no!Copy !req
416. We're in the middle of suburbia.Copy !req
417. Let's try and act like it.Copy !req
418. What's with the knife?Copy !req
419. We having cake or something?Copy !req
420. Shit.Copy !req
421. He's retarded to boot.Copy !req
422. She called you retarded.Copy !req
423. What is wrong with you, Justice?Copy !req
424. You do remember where
we're going, don't you?Copy !req
425. And we have a job to do.Copy !req
426. They're just gonna tag along for
a few miles.Copy !req
427. They won't get in the way, I swear.Copy !req
428. I swear I don't know what's going on
in your fucking brain lately.Copy !req
429. Please?Copy !req
430. Fine, they can ride with us.Copy !req
431. But they are so out of here
before we get to Boulder.Copy !req
432. Honest injun.Copy !req
433. - Honest injun.
- Shut up.Copy !req
434. I can't believe what a pushover you areCopy !req
435. And I can't believe fine-ass
bitches like yourself eat that shit.Copy !req
436. Don't you know fast food
makes girls fart?Copy !req
437. What's all this talk about farting?Copy !req
438. Hi, Brent.Copy !req
439. This is Brent. He's with us, too.Copy !req
440. Brent, tell these sillies that
girls don't fart.Copy !req
441. Of course they don't.Copy !req
442. Only skeevy stoners fart.Copy !req
443. What up, homies?Copy !req
444. Wow, three guys, four girls.Copy !req
445. What's the count, boys?Copy !req
446. Let's rock.Copy !req
447. Dear Mr. Science guy...Copy !req
448. don't spray that aerosol in my eye.Copy !req
449. I don't really want to die.Copy !req
450. I'm a noble rabbit.Copy !req
451. What are you guys,
a cover band or something?Copy !req
452. We're the Kansas state chapter of SAAC-Copy !req
453. Students Against Animal Cruelty.Copy !req
454. We're on our way to Colorado to give
Provasik a piece of our minds.Copy !req
455. What the fuck
are you bitches babbling about?Copy !req
456. Hey! Watch the language, little boy.Copy !req
457. There are females present.Copy !req
458. Provasik Pharmaceuticals is
a medical lab where they perform...Copy !req
459. gross experiments on animals.Copy !req
460. What kind of animals
are we talking about? Bears, Rhinos?Copy !req
461. No!Copy !req
462. More like dogs, cats, rabbits,
muskrats, beavers.Copy !req
463. Heck, even monkeys.Copy !req
464. If we don't speak up for them, who will?Copy !req
465. Right, Jussy?Copy !req
466. Right, Brent.Copy !req
467. Brent, can I talk to you over here
for a second?Copy !req
468. Be honest, you're down with this
for the fine-ass pussy, right?Copy !req
469. I'm down with this
because I love animals, stupid.Copy !req
470. Even sheep?Copy !req
471. Of course.Copy !req
472. Sheep are beautiful creatures.Copy !req
473. They are beautiful, aren't they?Copy !req
474. Oh God, yes.Copy !req
475. So that means you'd fuck a sheep, right?Copy !req
476. What is your damage, little boy?Copy !req
477. You have a sick
and twisted world perspective.Copy !req
478. You're misunderstanding me,
Prince Valiant.Copy !req
479. I mean if you were another sheep.Copy !req
480. Would you fuck a sheep
if you were another sheep?Copy !req
481. Since you put it that way...Copy !req
482. you bet your ass I would.Copy !req
483. I thought so.Copy !req
484. This mother fucker ain't one of us.Copy !req
485. He said he'd fuck a sheep.Copy !req
486. Now who's stupid,
you dirty sheep fucker?Copy !req
487. - What the fuck are we gonna do?
- Shut up, I'm thinking.Copy !req
488. Is Hollywood near where we're going?Copy !req
489. Is that where you guys are from?Copy !req
490. Yeah, right.Copy !req
491. Jersey represent.Copy !req
492. Oh, a Jersey boy.Copy !req
493. What brings you all the way out here?Copy !req
494. We couldn't hang around
the Quick-Stop no more...Copy !req
495. because of the restraining order.Copy !req
496. Which sucks ass...Copy !req
497. because it's been mine and Silent Bob's
home since we were kinds.Copy !req
498. Silent Bob even busted his cherry thereCopy !req
499. You did?Copy !req
500. I bet she was a lucky girl.Copy !req
501. Fuck that fat fuck!Copy !req
502. I'm trying to tell a story.Copy !req
503. Sorry.Copy !req
504. We were talking to Brodie...Copy !req
505. and he told us about
the Bluntman & Chronic movie...Copy !req
506. so we went to see Holden McNeil
and he showed us the internet...Copy !req
507. and that's where we found all
those little fucking jerk-offs...Copy !req
508. talking shit about us.Copy !req
509. So we decided to go to Hollywood...Copy !req
510. and stop the movie from getting made.Copy !req
511. And now we're here.Copy !req
512. I have no idea what you just said.Copy !req
513. I get that a lot.Copy !req
514. So, you like animals, huh?Copy !req
515. Sure.Copy !req
516. That's cool. Even snakes?Copy !req
517. You can't exclude an animal just
because they're not cuddly.Copy !req
518. Of course I like snakes.Copy !req
519. How about trouser snakes?Copy !req
520. What's a trouser snake?Copy !req
521. What the fuck are you waiting for.Copy !req
522. She went for the set-up...Copy !req
523. reach in your pants
and pull your cock out, bitch.Copy !req
524. Girls like that kind of shit.Copy !req
525. Right here is where the angel
is supposed to show up...Copy !req
526. and tell you not to pull your dick out,Copy !req
527. but we bitch-slapped that mother fucker
and sent him packing...Copy !req
528. so it's smooth sailing.Copy !req
529. Let him rip, boy.Copy !req
530. "Jesus loves the little children".Copy !req
531. Sorry I'm late.Copy !req
532. What's the deal?Copy !req
533. Oh, shit-don't tell me you're thinking
of whipping your dick out...Copy !req
534. at this fine piece of woman, are you?Copy !req
535. Look over at Silent Bob and
see if he thinks it's a good idea...Copy !req
536. to whip your dick out.Copy !req
537. That's it. Put the dick down.Copy !req
538. You got to go from heart.Copy !req
539. No little perv bullshit is gonna work
for this one.Copy !req
540. Be smooth. Be Don Juan De La Nooch.Copy !req
541. I gotta go beat the shit out of
two sucker punching little bitches.Copy !req
542. Remember- don't pull your dick out
until she asks.Copy !req
543. Or until she's sleeping.Copy !req
544. Don't ask.Copy !req
545. So what can a smooth pimp-daddy
like me...Copy !req
546. do to help the animals?Copy !req
547. You really don't want to help us.Copy !req
548. What are you talking about?Copy !req
549. Sure I do. I'd do anything for you.Copy !req
550. I mean youse guys-
I 'd do anything for youse guys.Copy !req
551. Because of the lift and shit.Copy !req
552. Okay. Let me talk to the other girls
and get back to you.Copy !req
553. You do that.Copy !req
554. I'll be right here waiting.Copy !req
555. Fuck you, fatty.Copy !req
556. You guys want anything from inside?Copy !req
557. No, we're cool.Copy !req
558. It just isn't the same, is it?Copy !req
559. This place licks balls compared to
the Quick-Stop.Copy !req
560. Speaking of licking balls-
how about that Justice chick?Copy !req
561. She is too fine.Copy !req
562. And she smells so fucking pretty.Copy !req
563. She has a nice voice, too.
And that body!Copy !req
564. Fucking smoking.Copy !req
565. She didn't tell me to fuck off once
when I was talking to her...Copy !req
566. or pull out the pepper spray.Copy !req
567. You know,
lunch box-she could be the one.Copy !req
568. - Smooth move, Justice.Copy !req
569. - Nice going, four eyes.Copy !req
570. Why did you let that stoner throw Brent
out of the van?Copy !req
571. If I had to listen to one more of
those stupid songs...Copy !req
572. I was gonna throw him out myself.Copy !req
573. We needed Brent.Copy !req
574. He was our patsy, remember?Copy !req
575. We'll just find someone else.Copy !req
576. Besides, I didn't see you try to
stop Jay from throwing him out.Copy !req
577. I didn't want to blow our cover.Copy !req
578. Cover? You all hated his songs, too.Copy !req
579. Not as much as I hate you.Copy !req
580. We have a very simple gang.Copy !req
581. I'm the brains, Chrissy's the brawn
and Missy's the tech girl.Copy !req
582. But lately I'm can't figure out
what you're doing here.Copy !req
583. Your name doesn't even fit
the rhyme scheme.Copy !req
584. Since you let our patsy slip away...Copy !req
585. you have to convince the little kid
and the fat guy to take his place.Copy !req
586. They've gotta break into Provasik now.Copy !req
587. You'll do it or you're out of the gang.Copy !req
588. Just use the little one's crush on you
to convince him...Copy !req
589. since he's so fucking in love with you.Copy !req
590. Jay? No, he's not.Copy !req
591. Am I blind?Copy !req
592. He wasn't kissing your hand
in the van...Copy !req
593. like he was Lord Byron?Copy !req
594. Maybe he has manners?Copy !req
595. You ever had your asshole licked
by a fat man in an overcoat?Copy !req
596. We've got about two hours
before we get to Boulder.Copy !req
597. That'll give you plenty of time
to work on him.Copy !req
598. - I'm not gonna do it.
- Why the fuck not?Copy !req
599. Because he's just so innocent.Copy !req
600. Look at him.Copy !req
601. Who's it gonna be?Copy !req
602. Him or us?Copy !req
603. Steal a monkey? No problem.Copy !req
604. It's not stealing a monkey.Copy !req
605. It's liberating it. It's-Copy !req
606. Wait a second.Copy !req
607. Did you say "no problem"?Copy !req
608. Yeah, we steal monkeys all the time.Copy !req
609. Right, lunch-box?Copy !req
610. It's not like it's a bad thing.Copy !req
611. It's for a good cause.Copy !req
612. It's for the best cause, mon cheri.Copy !req
613. The cause of love.Copy !req
614. Snoogens.Copy !req
615. What the heck is that?Copy !req
616. - What?
- Snoogens, I believe.Copy !req
617. What the fuck do you think it means?Copy !req
618. It means I'm kidding.Copy !req
619. That's too bad.Copy !req
620. I can't believe I'm gonna get some
pussy for stealing a monkey.Copy !req
621. If I'd known that earlier...Copy !req
622. I'd have been stealing monkeys
since I was seven.Copy !req
623. Don't, mother fucker-
don't you ruin this for me.Copy !req
624. Me and Justice
are gonna get married some day...Copy !req
625. so don't be giving me no look like
we ain't gonna steal the monkey.Copy !req
626. I'm Morris Day, you're Jerome, bitch!Copy !req
627. Don't forget that.Copy !req
628. That girl- that girl is in love with meCopy !req
629. They're gonna do it.Copy !req
630. Good.Copy !req
631. They do their part and we'll do ours.Copy !req
632. Remember- we meet back here
when you're done.Copy !req
633. Are you sure you're okay with this?Copy !req
634. Sure as I am that you're the hottest
bitch I've ever seen.Copy !req
635. Easy...Copy !req
636. What's twisting this bitch's tit?Copy !req
637. Maybe it's because women don't
like to be called bitches, Jay.Copy !req
638. They don't?Copy !req
639. How about "fine piece of ass"?Copy !req
640. How about not.Copy !req
641. What the fuck am I supposed
to call you?Copy !req
642. Something sweet, you big goof.Copy !req
643. Something nice.Copy !req
644. Boo-boo kitty fuck?Copy !req
645. Okay, that's a start.Copy !req
646. Jay, before you go...Copy !req
647. could you say something into the camera
about the clitoris?Copy !req
648. - You are such a bitch!
- Shut up, Justice.Copy !req
649. She's a little embarrassed.Copy !req
650. We're making a documentary for
a human sexuality class...Copy !req
651. and we need a male perspective
on the clitoris.Copy !req
652. The female clitoris?Copy !req
653. Yeah.Copy !req
654. Jay, you don't have to do this.Copy !req
655. It's cool.Copy !req
656. There's a few things
I could say about the clit...Copy !req
657. that I'd like you to hear.Copy !req
658. I am the master of the clit.Copy !req
659. Remember this fucking face.Copy !req
660. Wherever you see clit,
you'll see this fucking face.Copy !req
661. I make that shit work.Copy !req
662. No one rules the clit like me.Copy !req
663. Not this little fuck.Copy !req
664. None of you little fucks out there.Copy !req
665. I am the clit commander.Copy !req
666. When it comes down
to business this is what I do.Copy !req
667. I pinch it like this-
Oh, you little fuck.Copy !req
668. And then I rub my nose-Copy !req
669. Awesome. Knock 'em dead, tiger.Copy !req
670. I will.Copy !req
671. Girls.Copy !req
672. Do you think I could get a little kiss
for good luck?Copy !req
673. Do you think I could get
a little blow job for good luck?Copy !req
674. No. Go.Copy !req
675. Get off my Kool-Aid, mother fucker.Copy !req
676. Jussy, come on.Copy !req
677. - Are they in?
- You could say that.Copy !req
678. Time to shine. Let's go.Copy !req
679. You are so gay.Copy !req
680. Once we get upstairs
I want complete silence.Copy !req
681. Missy whipped this up-
it counts our decibel level.Copy !req
682. If it goes into the red- alarm,
we're dead.Copy !req
683. So that means not even
the slightest noise, you got that?Copy !req
684. Got it.Copy !req
685. Justice, move your ass.Copy !req
686. Check this shit out, lunch-box.Copy !req
687. Animal tranquilizers.Copy !req
688. This shit fucks you up- like percosets.Copy !req
689. Keep this, so later me and Justice
can shoot each other with it...Copy !req
690. and fuck like stoned test-bunnies.Copy !req
691. Suzanne.Copy !req
692. Boo-yah.Copy !req
693. Holy fuck! The little stoner was right!Copy !req
694. Boom-box.Copy !req
695. I can't believe it.Copy !req
696. Months of planning...Copy !req
697. and it's all blown by a fart.Copy !req
698. We can't just leave them here.Copy !req
699. That alarm will bring the cops
any minute.Copy !req
700. That's always been the plan.Copy !req
701. They take the heat off us long enough
'til we can get out of town.Copy !req
702. Ka-boom! You little stoner fucks.Copy !req
703. Let's go!Copy !req
704. What are you looking at?Copy !req
705. There ain't no snacks here.Copy !req
706. We got what we came for.Copy !req
707. Let's get outta here.Copy !req
708. I know it's sad.Copy !req
709. But what are we supposed
to do about it?Copy !req
710. Justice, open the door!Copy !req
711. Oh, shit!Copy !req
712. Drop the bag-now!Copy !req
713. Justice!Copy !req
714. You mind if I lean that there?Copy !req
715. My, oh my, oh my.Copy !req
716. Who let the cats out?Copy !req
717. Wait-is that-?Copy !req
718. Excuse me, who the hell are you?Copy !req
719. Federal Wildlife Marshall.Copy !req
720. This investigation is now
under my jurisdiction.Copy !req
721. Really? Why is that?Copy !req
722. Because someone let a whole mess of
animals out of their cages, sir.Copy !req
723. We believe that was just
a diversionary tactic used...Copy !req
724. to call attention away from
the real heist at the Diamond Exchange.Copy !req
725. Yeah, right.
That's a believable scenario.Copy !req
726. Sounds more like something out of
a bad movie.Copy !req
727. The Provasik people say
they've rounded up all their animals...Copy !req
728. except for one-an orangutan.Copy !req
729. The most dangerous animal known to man.Copy !req
730. Sir,
this was just delivered to the station.Copy !req
731. What is it?Copy !req
732. It's a tape from the terrorists who
claim responsibility for the break-in.Copy !req
733. Do you have a VCR?Copy !req
734. I am the clit commander.Copy !req
735. Oh, my God!Copy !req
736. Blafsky, it's Willenholly.Copy !req
737. I need you to get me on
the national news, pronto.Copy !req
738. Why?Copy !req
739. Because we may be dealing with...Copy !req
740. the two most dangerous men on
the planet.Copy !req
741. This is Jussy's monkey.Copy !req
742. Justice died for you,
you little monkey fuck!Copy !req
743. Do something, tons of fun.Copy !req
744. Is that thing waving at us?Copy !req
745. It understood us.Copy !req
746. Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey?Copy !req
747. You're my bitch!Copy !req
748. You get my back.Copy !req
749. Don't go taking
this fucking chimp's side.Copy !req
750. What if there are more
super monkeys up at that lab?Copy !req
751. Maybe they're making an army of
them up there?Copy !req
752. Holy shit!Copy !req
753. Maybe it's a conspiracy,
like in the "X-Files"...Copy !req
754. Roswell style?Copy !req
755. This little monkey can be
the fucking damn dirty apesCopy !req
756. responsible for fall of
the human raceCopy !req
757. and this world got mad
we won't spank the monkeyCopy !req
758. The monkey will spank us.Copy !req
759. I'm not even supposed to be here today.Copy !req
760. Eaten alive.Copy !req
761. Then these monkey fucks
will start wearing our clothes...Copy !req
762. and rebuilding the world in their imageCopy !req
763. And only those...Copy !req
764. as super smart as me will be left alive
to bitterly cry...Copy !req
765. You maniacs!Copy !req
766. Damn youse!Copy !req
767. God damn youse all to hell!Copy !req
768. Not on my watch, mother fucker.Copy !req
769. Die, you super-monkey fuck!Copy !req
770. Alright, you can live. For now.Copy !req
771. You see that shit. Bitches love me.Copy !req
772. Let's get something to eat.Copy !req
773. We ain't hiding in the woods no more.Copy !req
774. We gotta get to Hollywood.Copy !req
775. Besides, we're in the clear.Copy !req
776. It's not like anyone knows
we stole the monkey.Copy !req
777. I'm Reg Hartner with an exclusive
News Now bulletin.Copy !req
778. A Provasik animal testing facility
in Boulder was the focus of an attackCopy !req
779. by a terroristic primate rescue
syndicate calling themselves...Copy !req
780. The Coalition for Liberation of
Itinerant Tree Dwellers...Copy !req
781. or simply C.L.I.T.Copy !req
782. In a videotape sent to
authorities this morning...Copy !req
783. credit for the liberation of
an orangutan from the lab last night...Copy !req
784. is taken by these men, identified
in literature that accompanied the tapeCopy !req
785. as Jay and Silent Bob.Copy !req
786. In this chilling clip, they make it
very clear that they...Copy !req
787. are in control... of the C.L.I.T.Copy !req
788. We are the C.L.I.T.
None of you are safe.Copy !req
789. Now tremble before
my remorseless leader.Copy !req
790. I am the clit commander.Copy !req
791. Terrifying.Copy !req
792. Here to help us explain this footage...Copy !req
793. is Federal Wildlife
Marshall Willenholly.Copy !req
794. Marshall, thanks for joining us.Copy !req
795. At this point, what can you tell us
about the C.L.I.T?Copy !req
796. From the intelligence we've been
gathering, we've discovered...Copy !req
797. that the C.L.I.T. is actually
a tiny offshoot of the L.A.B.I.A.Copy !req
798. The Liberate Apes Before
Imprisoning Apes movement.Copy !req
799. Exactly.Copy !req
800. The two men that you saw in the videoCopy !req
801. go by the obvious code names
of Jay and Silent Bob.Copy !req
802. If anyone out there should come
across them or any other Clitties...Copy !req
803. please exercise extreme caution.Copy !req
804. I told you that restraining order
was a good idea.Copy !req
805. What response do you hope to elicit...Copy !req
806. by putting this kind
of pressure on the C.L.I.T?Copy !req
807. It's a difficult situation.Copy !req
808. You don't want to rub the C.L.I.T.
The wrong way.Copy !req
809. Nights like this,
I miss dating a lesbian.Copy !req
810. Is that your cell phone, sir?Copy !req
811. Blavsky, give me a frigging break.Copy !req
812. I'm on my way.Copy !req
813. We've got them. They're in Utah.Copy !req
814. Citizens of Utah, stimulation of
the C.L.I.T. is not recommended.Copy !req
815. Your plan worked.Copy !req
816. The news is all about Jay
and your C.L.I.T.Copy !req
817. With almost no mention of
the diamond heist.Copy !req
818. I told you those two
were the perfect patsies.Copy !req
819. Don't you have any regret?Copy !req
820. Jay and Bob don't deserve this.Copy !req
821. They were really sweet.Copy !req
822. The only thing I regret is not gutting
that trout-mouthed prick...Copy !req
823. like a fish and playing twister
with his vitals.Copy !req
824. I don't get you, Justice.Copy !req
825. You used to be all about
this girl stuff.Copy !req
826. Stealing, boning, blowing shit up.Copy !req
827. Now you're this little priss
with a conscience.Copy !req
828. It's really a fuckin' drag.Copy !req
829. We all have to grow up sometime.Copy !req
830. If moping around over some boy
you're crushing on is growing up...Copy !req
831. then pass me my Wonder-Woman Underoos.Copy !req
832. Marvelous Pizza coming through.Copy !req
833. You the gals who ordered the pizza?Copy !req
834. This dopey bitch ordered a large plain,Copy !req
835. but I could go for some hot,
thick Sicilian.Copy !req
836. No charge, lady.Copy !req
837. Hurry.Copy !req
838. I'm sorry, Jay.Copy !req
839. Justice died trying to save this monkeyCopy !req
840. so maybe we should keep it around.Copy !req
841. They way...Copy !req
842. we could honor her memory.Copy !req
843. Now ain't you glad we came here to eat?Copy !req
844. And you were all scared we'd get busted
by the cops or something.Copy !req
845. You know what I say?Copy !req
846. Fuck the Police.Copy !req
847. Fuck-Fuck-Fuck the Police!Copy !req
848. Yo, fuck-fuck the Police!Copy !req
849. Yo, fuck-fuck the Police!Copy !req
850. Yo, fuck me!Copy !req
851. This is the Utah State Police.Copy !req
852. Boys, we know you're in there.Copy !req
853. Come on out with your hands in the airCopy !req
854. and surrender the orangutan.Copy !req
855. Think they're talking about us?Copy !req
856. Sorry. Don't shoot. Hold your fire.Copy !req
857. Who the hell are you?Copy !req
858. Federal Wildlife Marshall.Copy !req
859. Is the monkey in there?Copy !req
860. The ape.Copy !req
861. What?Copy !req
862. Orangutan is a member of
the great ape family.Copy !req
863. It's not a monkey.Copy !req
864. Who's the Federal Wildlife
Marshall here?Copy !req
865. Me or you?Copy !req
866. That's what thought.Copy !req
867. Can I use your-Copy !req
868. Jay and Silent Bob-
Your C.L.I.T. doesn't stand a chance.Copy !req
869. Anyone not harboring a fugitive monkey
in there should hit the deck.Copy !req
870. We are going to open fire.Copy !req
871. What are you waiting for?Copy !req
872. Get out there and give them the monkey.Copy !req
873. Maybe it ain't so bad at that lab?Copy !req
874. Maybe they experiment on them...Copy !req
875. by making them fuck a bunch of
different good-looking monkeys?Copy !req
876. We don't know.Copy !req
877. You stay out of this,
you weepy little chimp.Copy !req
878. Fuck, you're the guy
who makes the blueprints.Copy !req
879. I don't have the fucking smarts of
a little...Copy !req
880. kid.Copy !req
881. Do not shoot!Copy !req
882. We're just trying to take our son
out of this hostile environment.Copy !req
883. Their son?Copy !req
884. Maybe they're one of those gay couples?Copy !req
885. Yeah, we're gay.Copy !req
886. And this is our adopted love child.Copy !req
887. We're not from around here.Copy !req
888. Don't makes us go back to
our liberal city home...Copy !req
889. with tales of prejudice
and bigotry from the heart of Utah.Copy !req
890. This is the last thing I need.Copy !req
891. Uppity homosexuals shooting
their mouths off to the...Copy !req
892. liberal media that the Federal Wildlife
Office persecutes gays.Copy !req
893. Are you fucking crazy?
They may be gay...Copy !req
894. but that's not their son-
that's the ape!Copy !req
895. I think I would recognize an ape
if I saw one.Copy !req
896. And the only thing
I do recognize right now...Copy !req
897. is a political fiasco that
I'm about to avoid...Copy !req
898. by letting
this butt-fucking Brady bunch go.Copy !req
899. You are free to leave, sirs.Copy !req
900. Yes, you, sirs.Copy !req
901. So we can just go?Copy !req
902. Yes, sir.Copy !req
903. Please accept my apology for
detaining you and your...Copy !req
904. unorthodox but constitutionally
protected family unit.Copy !req
905. Un-fucking-believable.Copy !req
906. I might add, that is one fine
looking young boy you're raising.Copy !req
907. That's because he's from my sperm.Copy !req
908. K knocked up this hot,
woman friend of ours...Copy !req
909. who fuck on the side so as not to be
all-the-way gay.Copy !req
910. But my tubby husband-
He's one hundred percent queer.Copy !req
911. He loves the cock.Copy !req
912. He certainly looks insatiable.Copy !req
913. Bye-bye.Copy !req
914. It's not my way, but I'll be damned
if that isn't one happy family.Copy !req
915. Alright, gang-let's just shoot
some tear gas into the diner...Copy !req
916. and when the guys come out
with the monkey-Copy !req
917. Fuck beans!Copy !req
918. That was them, wasn't it?Copy !req
919. I said you love the cock.Copy !req
920. I have to be the craftiest
mother fucker alive.Copy !req
921. Flee, fat-ass, flee!Copy !req
922. Head for the sewer!Copy !req
923. You fat fuck!Copy !req
924. Fire a warning shot
into his bulbous ass.Copy !req
925. Suck it in. Think thin!Copy !req
926. One rectal breach coming up.Copy !req
927. Suck it in!Copy !req
928. Incoming!Copy !req
929. Just like Winnie the Pooh.Copy !req
930. That was an incredibly daring escape.Copy !req
931. Here's the deal.Copy !req
932. You and your men stay up here.Copy !req
933. When I corner him, I'll call for backup.Copy !req
934. I'm counting on you, Sheriff.Copy !req
935. You've taught me so much.Copy !req
936. Fuck this asshole.Copy !req
937. Let's go back to the station and
cornhole us a drunk.Copy !req
938. The whole fucking
world's against us dude...
I swear to God.Copy !req
939. Put the monkey down and your hands up!Copy !req
940. Let's go, misters.
You want to get shot?Copy !req
941. I didn't think so.Copy !req
942. She doesn't want to go back to the lab.Copy !req
943. And for the record...
I ain't gay.Copy !req
944. And for the record,
while we're on the subject...Copy !req
945. I knew that wasn't a real little boy.Copy !req
946. For one more record- he loves the cock.Copy !req
947. On your knees, Texas Pete.Copy !req
948. Let's go.Copy !req
949. You see- he's lining us up like
fucking circus seals.Copy !req
950. I'm going first.Copy !req
951. I don't want a mouth full of
monkey spit...Copy !req
952. if I gotta blow this G-man.Copy !req
953. What are you talking about?Copy !req
954. No one's gonna get blown here-Copy !req
955. Shit!Copy !req
956. These guys are good. Very good.Copy !req
957. Hey, law-dog.Copy !req
958. See you in Hell, cock-smoker.Copy !req
959. Oh, Fuck me.Copy !req
960. Get the fuck off her-
that's my ex-girlfriend's monkey.Copy !req
961. Hey, that monkey don't belong to you.Copy !req
962. Who the fuck just steals a monkey?Copy !req
963. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
964. This blows.Copy !req
965. We have one more day to stop
these fucks from shooting this movie.Copy !req
966. They took the one thing I had left
from the one woman I loved enough...Copy !req
967. not to stick my hand down her pants.Copy !req
968. Go after the monkey?Copy !req
969. How do we know where that car is going?Copy !req
970. Don't just point.Copy !req
971. What, you gotta take a shit?Copy !req
972. No, you gotta take a salad.Copy !req
973. What the fuck are you trying to say?Copy !req
974. Say it!Copy !req
975. Don't make me ask twenty questions.Copy !req
976. You could always tell that
stupid Amy story all the time...Copy !req
977. but you can't spit out
"Jay, I disagree," or...Copy !req
978. "those are some good cheese fries".Copy !req
979. Just fucking say it!Copy !req
980. The sign on the back of the car...Copy !req
981. said "Critters of Hollywood"...Copy !req
982. you dumb fuck!Copy !req
983. Say it, don't spray it.Copy !req
984. And might I add, that is
one fine-looking boy you are raising.Copy !req
985. If it isn't the wildlife expert.Copy !req
986. Your office faxed this over.Copy !req
987. The guy said it was a post from
an internet chat board...Copy !req
988. signed by a Jay & Silent Bob.Copy !req
989. "All you mother fuckers are gonna pay."Copy !req
990. "You are the ones who are ball lickers"Copy !req
991. "We're gonna fuck your mothers
while you watch and cry..."Copy !req
992. "like little bitches.
Once we get to Hollywood, we're-"Copy !req
993. They're going to Hollywood.Copy !req
994. It's not like cheating.Copy !req
995. Justice blew up.Copy !req
996. Here's the plan.Copy !req
997. First we find out
where they're shooting this movie.Copy !req
998. And after we bust that shit up,
we can start looking for the monkey.Copy !req
999. But before we do any of that,Copy !req
1000. we gotta find a mother fucker
in the know.Copy !req
1001. Someone like the Mayor of Hollywood.Copy !req
1002. Crack. Want some crack.Copy !req
1003. Get you high.Copy !req
1004. No, but do you want some weed?Copy !req
1005. Are you on the job?Copy !req
1006. Yeah. Jersey local 404.Copy !req
1007. Pumpkin Escobar, Los Angeles local 305.Copy !req
1008. - What up?Copy !req
1009. - Man, it's a small world.Copy !req
1010. Let me ask you a question.Copy !req
1011. You dudes getting medical out
there in Jersey?Copy !req
1012. No.
We might have to strike in September.Copy !req
1013. Norma Rae like a mother fucker.Copy !req
1014. Maybe you can help us out?Copy !req
1015. You know where they're shooting
a movie around here?Copy !req
1016. You ask me a question like that
in Holly-weird?Copy !req
1017. You got to come a little
more specific than that.Copy !req
1018. It's a Miramax flick.Copy !req
1019. We gotta bust it up...Copy !req
1020. so people stop calling us names
on the internet...Copy !req
1021. even though they're not really
talking about us...Copy !req
1022. but characters based on us,
and at the same time...Copy !req
1023. find my ex-girlfriend's, who was killed
in a car explosion, monkey.Copy !req
1024. Man, I don't know what the fuck
you just said, little kid...Copy !req
1025. but you're special.Copy !req
1026. You reached out...Copy !req
1027. and you touched a brother's gear.Copy !req
1028. I'm gonna give you some directions.Copy !req
1029. Give me the map, Scott.Copy !req
1030. Give me the map, Scott!Copy !req
1031. You know where Miramax is?Copy !req
1032. Miramax accounts for 78%
of my business out here.Copy !req
1033. Is Hollywood ready for
Jay and Silent Bob?Copy !req
1034. A source at a Federal Wildlife
Marshall's office tells us...Copy !req
1035. that a posting was pulled off
an internet movie chat board...Copy !req
1036. allegedly written by
the two domestic terrorists themselves.Copy !req
1037. It's sending a shock-wave
through Hollywood.Copy !req
1038. Jules Asner is on the scene at
Miramax Studios. Jules-Copy !req
1039. Steve, the tenor of Tinsletown is
one of terror today...Copy !req
1040. after the Federal Wildlife Marshall's
Office has learned that...Copy !req
1041. hot new terrorists Jay and Silent Bob
have targeted Miramax studios...Copy !req
1042. for their next campaign of blood,
violence and monkey theft.Copy !req
1043. In a posting pulled off of Movie
Poop-Shoot. Com...Copy !req
1044. the gruesome two-some threatened,
and I quote...Copy !req
1045. "Once we get to Hollywood and find
those Miramax expletive deleted..."Copy !req
1046. "who are making the Bluntman &
Chronic movie..."Copy !req
1047. "we're gonna make them eat
our expletive deleted..."Copy !req
1048. "then eat their expletive deleted
which is made up of..."Copy !req
1049. "our expletive deleted that
we made them eat." Unquote.Copy !req
1050. So far we've been unable to
get a statement...Copy !req
1051. from anyone here at the Studio.Copy !req
1052. But no sign of Jay and Silent Bob?Copy !req
1053. None whatsoever.Copy !req
1054. But to be fair, no one is a
hundred percent sure...Copy !req
1055. what Jay and Silent Bob
exactly look like...Copy !req
1056. so for all we know they could
already be on the lot.Copy !req
1057. OK, he's got a pass.
Let him in.Copy !req
1058. We gotta play this just right.Copy !req
1059. You don't have a pass!Copy !req
1060. I hate how fake Hollywood is.Copy !req
1061. Where do you think you're going?Copy !req
1062. Echo base, I've got a 1007-
Two unauthorized on the lot.Copy !req
1063. Requesting back-up.Copy !req
1064. I thought that was a 1082.Copy !req
1065. No, sir,
a 1082 is disappearing a dead hooker...Copy !req
1066. from Ben Affleck's trailer.Copy !req
1067. Oh, that Affleck.Copy !req
1068. Back-up on the way.Copy !req
1069. I'll make you a deal.Copy !req
1070. This guy will suck your
dick off if you let us go.Copy !req
1071. Contrary to what you believe...Copy !req
1072. not everyone in the industry
is a homosexual.Copy !req
1073. How about this deal?Copy !req
1074. He'll suck my dick while you
watch and jerk-off?Copy !req
1075. Alright.Copy !req
1076. Make it fast-and sexy.Copy !req
1077. It's either this or jail.Copy !req
1078. And you know
what they do to you in jail.Copy !req
1079. I was a guard.Copy !req
1080. And after it's all over you say,
"Ooh, what a lovely tea party."Copy !req
1081. What the fuck you waiting for, bitch?Copy !req
1082. Start sucking.Copy !req
1083. Worth a shot.Copy !req
1084. Like a shot in the fucking mouth,
you gay bitch.Copy !req
1085. Dude,
you were gonna really suck my dick.Copy !req
1086. Remember what I said.Copy !req
1087. Do not look at Ben or Matt directly
in the eyes or you will be fired.Copy !req
1088. Does everybody understand that?Copy !req
1089. Thank you.Copy !req
1090. You frosted your hair.Copy !req
1091. Yeah, I frosted my hair,
but it looks good.Copy !req
1092. This has got to be the Bluntman flick.Copy !req
1093. There are those two fucks
from the Mork movie.Copy !req
1094. Lips-Teeth time or Lion Face?Copy !req
1095. Lion face! Lemon face!Copy !req
1096. Break it down.Copy !req
1097. Where we taking it from, Gus?Copy !req
1098. I'm busy.Copy !req
1099. You're a true artist, Gus.Copy !req
1100. Let's just take it from
"it's a good course".Copy !req
1101. You're the director now?Copy !req
1102. Shove it, "Bounce"-boy.Copy !req
1103. Let's remember who talked who...Copy !req
1104. into doing this shit in the first placeCopy !req
1105. Talking me into "Dogma" is one thing,
but-.Copy !req
1106. I'm sorry I dragged you away from
whatever gay serial killers...Copy !req
1107. who ride horses and like to play golfCopy !req
1108. touchy-feely picture
you're gonna do this week.Copy !req
1109. I take it you haven't seen
"Forces Of Nature".Copy !req
1110. You're like a child.Copy !req
1111. What do I keep telling you?Copy !req
1112. You gotta do the safe picture-
then you do the art picture.Copy !req
1113. And then sometimes you have to
do the payback picture...Copy !req
1114. because your friend says you owe him.Copy !req
1115. Then sometimes you have to
go back to the well.Copy !req
1116. And then sometimes you do
"Reindeer Games."Copy !req
1117. That's just mean.Copy !req
1118. All we gotta do is figure out
how to get closer to them.Copy !req
1119. Get over here.Copy !req
1120. You stand here,
your buddy's right here.Copy !req
1121. Just stand here and react.Copy !req
1122. Don't say anything. Especially you.Copy !req
1123. That's pretty funny.Copy !req
1124. Lock it up, people,
we're going for picture.Copy !req
1125. Make it happen, guys.Copy !req
1126. - Get you fucking hands off me.Copy !req
1127. - Fuck off!Copy !req
1128. On the count of three,
we rush these fucks and...Copy !req
1129. beat the shit out of them,
because if they're all fucked up...Copy !req
1130. they can't make that movie.Copy !req
1131. Ready? One... two... three!Copy !req
1132. "Good Will Hunting Il: Hunting Season."
Scene 16 Take 5.Copy !req
1133. Think about the paycheck.
OK.Copy !req
1134. Action, Gus?Copy !req
1135. Jesus, Ben, I said I'm busy.Copy !req
1136. I do remember the class.Copy !req
1137. But elementary.Copy !req
1138. I remember that class.Copy !req
1139. It was just between recess and lunch.Copy !req
1140. Are we gonna have a problem- again?Copy !req
1141. I was still just hoping you might
be able to give me a little insight...Copy !req
1142. into the Southern Colonies.Copy !req
1143. Wood says...Copy !req
1144. What did I say?Copy !req
1145. You'd be back in here
regurgitating Gordon Wood.Copy !req
1146. But you forget about Vickers.Copy !req
1147. No, I just read Vickers.Copy !req
1148. So I'm up on "Inherited Wealth".Copy !req
1149. But you're no longer the angry,
brilliant, young mind you once were...Copy !req
1150. just itching to vent your frustrations.Copy !req
1151. You stopped hitting the books
with a vengeance...Copy !req
1152. and now I've read shit you haven't
even heard about yet.Copy !req
1153. Face facts, my friend.Copy !req
1154. You're just no longer that good...Copy !req
1155. Will Hunting.Copy !req
1156. Now how do you like them apples?Copy !req
1157. I don't like the sound of them apples,
Will.Copy !req
1158. What're we gonna do?Copy !req
1159. - Chuckie-Copy !req
1160. - Yeah?Copy !req
1161. Chuckie- it's hunting season.Copy !req
1162. Apple sauce, bitch.Copy !req
1163. Sorry to interrupt, but we've
got a 1007 on our hands.Copy !req
1164. Oh, Jesus. Again, Ben?Copy !req
1165. Bullshit!Copy !req
1166. Cause I wasn't with a hooker today.Copy !req
1167. There they are!Copy !req
1168. Affleck,
you were the bomb in "Phantoms".Copy !req
1169. Alright, you bastard,
let's see who you really are.Copy !req
1170. Fucking Miramax! Cut!Copy !req
1171. Shannen, usually I say "Cut".Copy !req
1172. A monkey, Wes?Copy !req
1173. You guys aren't even trying anymore.Copy !req
1174. The market research
says people love monkeys.Copy !req
1175. We love this monkey.Copy !req
1176. See.Copy !req
1177. Here they are.Copy !req
1178. Punch it!Copy !req
1179. Fuck!Copy !req
1180. Those are some magical guys.Copy !req
1181. Dude, I fucking knew it.Copy !req
1182. You love that shit, don't you?Copy !req
1183. Holy shit, that I looked like it hurt.Copy !req
1184. Are you guys alright?Copy !req
1185. Let's get you guys on your feet.Copy !req
1186. Wait a second- aren't you the guy
that fucked the pie?Copy !req
1187. You see, man - you see!Copy !req
1188. It's never, "Hey, you were in
Loser, weren't you?"Copy !req
1189. Or "Dude, you rocked in Boys And Girls"Copy !req
1190. It always comes back to
that fucking pie. I'm haunted by it.Copy !req
1191. - You put your dick in a pie.
- Enough!Copy !req
1192. I'm Jason Biggs.Copy !req
1193. Did you really get to 3rd base with
that Russian chick like in the movie?Copy !req
1194. You mean Shannon?Copy !req
1195. No.Copy !req
1196. She is fucking fine.Copy !req
1197. If I was you, I would've been like-Copy !req
1198. You like that?Copy !req
1199. What, you never did one of these?Copy !req
1200. I've done plenty of that, my friend.Copy !req
1201. Holy shit, you're the Dawson.Copy !req
1202. James- James Van Der Beek.Copy !req
1203. What's up with Pacey stealing
Joey away from you?Copy !req
1204. If I was you, I would have
drowned his ass in the creek.Copy !req
1205. Yeah, for Joey. She is too fine.Copy !req
1206. Ever get to 3rd base with her?Copy !req
1207. There was this one time- Wait a minute,
who are you guys?Copy !req
1208. They're our stunt doubles, dumb ass.Copy !req
1209. - Right?Copy !req
1210. - Of course.Copy !req
1211. Stunt doubles for what?Copy !req
1212. For the move that we're shooting
in about fifteen minutes.Copy !req
1213. Bluntman & Chronic Strike Back.Copy !req
1214. You're doubling me, obviously,Copy !req
1215. I'm playing Bluntman, A. KA. Silent BillCopy !req
1216. - Bob.
- Right.Copy !req
1217. And he's playing Chronic.Copy !req
1218. A. KA. Ray.Copy !req
1219. Jay. Fuck!Copy !req
1220. Biggs, did you even read the script?Copy !req
1221. There's a script?Copy !req
1222. Hey, pie-fucker,Copy !req
1223. you would only last a day on
"The Creek".Copy !req
1224. Wait second, we'll be right back.Copy !req
1225. Fuck you and your "Dawson's Crack".Copy !req
1226. Go to hell, Pacey.Copy !req
1227. These are the fucks that are playing usCopy !req
1228. You take 'em out, bam! No movie.Copy !req
1229. Useless little ape.Copy !req
1230. What's with the weird,
gay huddle going on over there?Copy !req
1231. Let me put my arm over yours.Copy !req
1232. What's gay about it?Copy !req
1233. It's two guys talking in a corner.Copy !req
1234. Why are you such a homophobe?Copy !req
1235. You're always like "That's gay,"
or "Look at that gay huddle..."Copy !req
1236. "look at that gay dog."Copy !req
1237. Dude, that is so gay-Copy !req
1238. Yeah, see.Copy !req
1239. - I love gay people.Copy !req
1240. - I'm sure you do.Copy !req
1241. Look at the monkey.Copy !req
1242. Now you're gonna tell me
the monkey's gay.Copy !req
1243. How do you know
he doesn't smoke monkey pole?Copy !req
1244. He's so cute.Copy !req
1245. You go in there and start swinging,
don't stop until these young...Copy !req
1246. Hollywood fucks are out of commission.Copy !req
1247. Ready? Break!Copy !req
1248. That's one funky monkey.Copy !req
1249. Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek,
this is Security.Copy !req
1250. There are two intruders on the lot.Copy !req
1251. They crashed through a window
we believe might be yours.Copy !req
1252. Yeah, they're in here.Copy !req
1253. Do they have you held hostage?Copy !req
1254. Should we call your publicist?Copy !req
1255. No.Copy !req
1256. We kicked those guys assess bad.Copy !req
1257. Real bad.Copy !req
1258. Great job, sirs.Copy !req
1259. If you'll let us in,
we'll take over from here.Copy !req
1260. No,
me and Jason Biggs are naked in here.Copy !req
1261. Butt-naked. Together.Copy !req
1262. Okay. Well, we'll wait out here
until you clean up.Copy !req
1263. How are we gonna get out
without them seeing us?Copy !req
1264. You've got the wrong guys.Copy !req
1265. Doesn't anybody watch the WB?Copy !req
1266. I'm a teen idol, dammit!Copy !req
1267. Don't you recognize me?Copy !req
1268. Look at me.Copy !req
1269. I'm the pie-fucker!Copy !req
1270. In prison, he'll be the pie.Copy !req
1271. This was a good idea, lunch-box.Copy !req
1272. In these outfits...Copy !req
1273. we're totally incognito.Copy !req
1274. Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek-Copy !req
1275. Great, you've changed costumes already.Copy !req
1276. Let's get you to the set.Copy !req
1277. The director doesn't like
to be kept waiting.Copy !req
1278. Look at all these crackers.Copy !req
1279. 70 million dollars
and I can't even get a black grip.Copy !req
1280. It's a shame. It's a damn shame!Copy !req
1281. Here's your coffee, sir.Copy !req
1282. - You spit in this?
- I didn't spit in it.Copy !req
1283. Any boogers in it?Copy !req
1284. There's no boogers in it, sir.Copy !req
1285. You went to film school, didn't you?Copy !req
1286. Must piss you off to see a black man
run a big production like this.Copy !req
1287. Go to the school.Copy !req
1288. Does your daddy know that
you give a nigger his coffee?Copy !req
1289. It would kill him, wouldn't it?Copy !req
1290. - There's no boogers in it, sir.
- Ten taste it!Copy !req
1291. Taste the booger flavor.Copy !req
1292. I know it's in there.Copy !req
1293. It's all good, sir.Copy !req
1294. No it ain't all good.Copy !req
1295. Clean that shit up.Copy !req
1296. Get me a white boy.Copy !req
1297. Get me a blond haired,
white boy so I can enjoy that shit.Copy !req
1298. - You're the man, sir.Copy !req
1299. - No, you're the man
and that's the problem.Copy !req
1300. Chaka-I'm Banky Edwards,
the creator of Bluntman & Chronic.Copy !req
1301. We met a few weeks back.Copy !req
1302. I'm the executive Producer.Copy !req
1303. Oh, you're the Executive Producer.Copy !req
1304. Why don't you executive produce me
a latte- de-crackernated.Copy !req
1305. Okay, Fuck it?Copy !req
1306. - It's Banky.Copy !req
1307. No, its' Fuck it!Copy !req
1308. I just want you to know that
I respect your work as an artist.Copy !req
1309. I'm something of an artist myself.Copy !req
1310. I was the inker on the comic book.Copy !req
1311. You're a tracer, okay?Copy !req
1312. Nobody got the heart to tell you.Copy !req
1313. You trace.Copy !req
1314. You go around the lines.Copy !req
1315. You are a tracer!Copy !req
1316. You think Fat Alber had a tracer?Copy !req
1317. No.Copy !req
1318. Bill Cosby did the whole thing
with a roller.Copy !req
1319. And it was excellent.Copy !req
1320. Crack, crack, cracker?Copy !req
1321. Biggs and Van Der Beek are on the set,
Chaka.Copy !req
1322. I don't see them!Copy !req
1323. Where are the stars of
this piece of shit?Copy !req
1324. Damn, this must've set them back
a couple hundred bucks.Copy !req
1325. Look at this.Copy !req
1326. A gay hood ornament
and the color purple.Copy !req
1327. Who the fuck are you?Copy !req
1328. Who the fuck am I?Copy !req
1329. I'm the director, Chaka Luther King.Copy !req
1330. That's who the fuck I am.Copy !req
1331. Wait a second.Copy !req
1332. I though Banky and Holden
created this shit.Copy !req
1333. And I'm stealing it.Copy !req
1334. I'm taking it back for the black man...Copy !req
1335. to make up for all the shit you
mother fuckers have taken from us.Copy !req
1336. Do you know that I came up for
the idea for "Sesame Street"?Copy !req
1337. I came up with it before PBS.Copy !req
1338. The white man stole it.Copy !req
1339. I was gonna call it
NWP- Niggers With Puppets.Copy !req
1340. Catchy, ain't it?Copy !req
1341. Enough of this small talk.Copy !req
1342. Let's shoot.Copy !req
1343. Aren't you gonna direct us?Copy !req
1344. I will start directing you to the
unemployment line...Copy !req
1345. if you don't stop back-talking me,
cracker.Copy !req
1346. We don't know what we're doing.Copy !req
1347. We didn't read the script.Copy !req
1348. It ain't hard.Copy !req
1349. I film the mother fucker.Copy !req
1350. Then I yell "Cut!"Copy !req
1351. And run the fuck out of here
and go to my trailer...Copy !req
1352. cause I got more white girls there than
the first lifeboat on the Titanic.Copy !req
1353. And they all want a party in my movie,Copy !req
1354. and I got just the part for them.Copy !req
1355. So are you ready to do this?Copy !req
1356. Let's roll with the new.Copy !req
1357. Quiet on the set, everyone.Copy !req
1358. I got your new coffee sir, booger-free.Copy !req
1359. You guys look pretty bad-ass.Copy !req
1360. "Bluntman & Chronic Strike Back",
scene 37, take 1.Copy !req
1361. What're you waiting for?Copy !req
1362. Action!Copy !req
1363. Um... snoochy-boochies.Copy !req
1364. What the fuck?Copy !req
1365. You thought I'd never find
your precious Bluntcave...Copy !req
1366. did you, Hemp Knight?Copy !req
1367. But now, you and your sidekick...Copy !req
1368. are finally
in the grasp of Cock-Knocker!Copy !req
1369. Why do they call you Cock-Knocker?Copy !req
1370. Actually,
there's a funny story behind that.Copy !req
1371. You're gonna love it.Copy !req
1372. True story.Copy !req
1373. Avenge me... Hemp-Knight.Copy !req
1374. I think George Lucas
is gonna sue somebody.Copy !req
1375. Any last words before I bust
your balls, Bluntman?Copy !req
1376. Duck, pie-fucker.Copy !req
1377. Damn, these white boys can't fight.Copy !req
1378. Don't fuck with a Jedi master, son.Copy !req
1379. Yo! Bitch-fists!Copy !req
1380. Call me Darth-balls.Copy !req
1381. Good Lord.Copy !req
1382. That wasn't in the script.Copy !req
1383. So this is Hollywood?Copy !req
1384. Then lights, camera, action,
Jay and Silent Bob.Copy !req
1385. Freeze, you terrorist sons of bitches!Copy !req
1386. My God...Copy !req
1387. Sorry, everyone.Copy !req
1388. That was supposed to be a warning shot.Copy !req
1389. I'm obviously on the wrong set.Copy !req
1390. Is he gonna be okay?Copy !req
1391. Not good.Copy !req
1392. You are not upstaging me, Van Der Beek.Copy !req
1393. This movie's gonna make "House Party"
look like "House Party 2".Copy !req
1394. - Or "House Party 3".Copy !req
1395. - Shut the fuck up.
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
1396. Chaka, call off Dawson, will you?Copy !req
1397. Can I get a "cut!" here?Copy !req
1398. Not again.Copy !req
1399. Now who's balls have been busted, bitchCopy !req
1400. That's it! I'm out of here.Copy !req
1401. Chaka, I'll be in my trailer.Copy !req
1402. What the fuck?Copy !req
1403. The C.L.I.T. stops here,
Jay and Silent Bob.Copy !req
1404. Another white boy in this movie? Damn!Copy !req
1405. Federal Wildlife Marshall.Copy !req
1406. Everyone stay cool.Copy !req
1407. Go back to making your adult movie.Copy !req
1408. These men are the leaders of
a terrorist organization...Copy !req
1409. wanted for the abduction of
a little monkey.Copy !req
1410. They didn't really steal that monkey.Copy !req
1411. It was just a diversion so
that we could steal these.Copy !req
1412. And they're not the leaders of
the C.L.I.T.Copy !req
1413. The C.L.I.T. is not real.Copy !req
1414. Oh no, the C.L.I.T. is real.Copy !req
1415. It's real.Copy !req
1416. It's the female orgasm- that's the mythCopy !req
1417. You know what I'm talking about?Copy !req
1418. Are you guys alright?Copy !req
1419. I thought you blew up,
Boo-Boo Kitty-fuck.Copy !req
1420. You remembered.Copy !req
1421. It was a frame-up, Jay.Copy !req
1422. Missy, Sissy, Chrissy and I
are international jewel thieves.Copy !req
1423. We were setting you up to be a patsy...Copy !req
1424. but I couldn't go through with it
because I...Copy !req
1425. because I love you.Copy !req
1426. Yeah?
That means you're gonna fuck me, right?Copy !req
1427. Of course.Copy !req
1428. If she does
it'll be considered necrophilia.Copy !req
1429. Because she's gonna be one dead bitch.Copy !req
1430. Jussy, did we get you at a bad time?Copy !req
1431. You should've just let these guys
go down.Copy !req
1432. I wanted to go down,
but this angel popped on my shoulder...Copy !req
1433. and said "Listen" and I was like
"What's up?"Copy !req
1434. Shut the fuck up before I shoot you
where you stand...Copy !req
1435. in you pansy red booties.Copy !req
1436. Holy shit,
I am wearing pansy red booties.Copy !req
1437. Why the fuck didn't you tell me?Copy !req
1438. Let's have those diamonds, Justice.Copy !req
1439. I can't do that, Sissy.Copy !req
1440. Then lover-boy gets one
in the fucking brain.Copy !req
1441. Yo! Lovely ladies!Copy !req
1442. Would any of you like
a private audition to be in my movie.Copy !req
1443. Bring that ass over. C'mon!Copy !req
1444. Cray crackers with guns.Copy !req
1445. Time to get my black ass outta here.Copy !req
1446. You really let me down, Justice.Copy !req
1447. Throwing it all away for a little
stoner with bad pronunciation.Copy !req
1448. What's it gonna be, Sissy?Copy !req
1449. Which fighting style do you want me
to kick your ass in?Copy !req
1450. Are you kidding me?Copy !req
1451. I taught you all your moves myself.Copy !req
1452. There's no style you can bust
that I can't defend against.Copy !req
1453. You're no match for my Shaolin Monk.Copy !req
1454. But I'll bury you
with my Crouching Tiger.Copy !req
1455. A little Venus Fly-trap?Copy !req
1456. I'll counter with Dragon Queen.Copy !req
1457. How about a little "Bitch, my man
ain't your baby's daddy"?Copy !req
1458. Bring it on.Copy !req
1459. I hope one of them rips off
the other one's shirt...Copy !req
1460. and we see some titties flopping
around in the air.Copy !req
1461. Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek-
I just wanted to say hi. I'm-Copy !req
1462. Banky-fucking Edwards!Copy !req
1463. Just the mother fucker we came to see.Copy !req
1464. What the fuck are you guys doing here?Copy !req
1465. Why the hell are you shooting at me?Copy !req
1466. Two reasons.Copy !req
1467. One- we're walking-taking
bad girl clichés.Copy !req
1468. And two- because you're a man!Copy !req
1469. Only on the outside.Copy !req
1470. Stop the movie? Are you crazy?Copy !req
1471. All these assholes on the internet
are calling us names...Copy !req
1472. because of this fucking stupid movie.Copy !req
1473. That's what the internet is for-
slandering others anonymously.Copy !req
1474. Stopping the flick
isn't gonna stop that.Copy !req
1475. This isn't fair.Copy !req
1476. We came to Hollywood, I fell in love.Copy !req
1477. We stole a monkey, we got shot at...Copy !req
1478. and I got punched
in the motherfucking nuts...Copy !req
1479. by a guy named Cock-knocker.Copy !req
1480. I feel for you boys, I really do.Copy !req
1481. But Miramax - you know, Miramax films...Copy !req
1482. paid me a shitload of money for
Bluntman & Chronic.Copy !req
1483. So it occurs to me that people
bad-mouthing you on a website...Copy !req
1484. is none of my fucking concern!Copy !req
1485. Oh, but I think it is.Copy !req
1486. We had a deal with you on the comics-
for likeness rights?Copy !req
1487. And as we're not only
the artistic basisCopy !req
1488. but also the character basis...Copy !req
1489. for your intellectual property,
Bluntman & Chronic...Copy !req
1490. when said property was optioned
by Miramax films...Copy !req
1491. you were legally obliged to
secure our permission...Copy !req
1492. to transfer the concept
to another medium.Copy !req
1493. As you failed to do that, Banky...Copy !req
1494. you are in breach of
the original contract.Copy !req
1495. Ergo, you find yourself...Copy !req
1496. in a very actionable position.Copy !req
1497. You guys are gonna ruin my movie careerCopy !req
1498. We want something
for our mental anguish.Copy !req
1499. Tell you what-
we'll settle this monetarily.Copy !req
1500. I'll give you half of what I make.Copy !req
1501. Half?Copy !req
1502. Half's not good enough?Copy !req
1503. Fine. I'll give you two thirds.Copy !req
1504. Fuck you, you already said half.Copy !req
1505. You can't take it back.Copy !req
1506. Done.Copy !req
1507. Your shit is so tired, Justice.Copy !req
1508. Call me Boo-Boo-Kitty-fuck... Bitch!Copy !req
1509. Hello? Truce?Copy !req
1510. I think I killed both of them.Copy !req
1511. I am an excellent marksman.Copy !req
1512. I've always-Copy !req
1513. C'mon, you guys, it's over.Copy !req
1514. Are you alright, Boo-Boo-Kitty-fuck?Copy !req
1515. I was just about to jump in
and get your back.Copy !req
1516. The cops!Copy !req
1517. We gotta get out of here.Copy !req
1518. I'm tired of running.Copy !req
1519. Marshall... are you awake?Copy !req
1520. Wake up.Copy !req
1521. My God! I'm paralyzed.Copy !req
1522. That monkey shot me in the ass
and paralyzed me.Copy !req
1523. Oh, sweet irony!Copy !req
1524. You're not paralyzed.Copy !req
1525. It was just a tranquilizer.Copy !req
1526. Jesus.Copy !req
1527. Tranqued by a little monkey.Copy !req
1528. My friends in the Bureau will
never let me hear the end of this.Copy !req
1529. You have friends in the FBI?Copy !req
1530. They all made it in
but I failed the exam.Copy !req
1531. Why else do you think I became a
Federal Wildlife Marshall?Copy !req
1532. I'll tell you why, because I'm a joke!Copy !req
1533. Maybe not.Copy !req
1534. I can make you a deal
that'll get you into the FBI...Copy !req
1535. regardless of test scores.Copy !req
1536. What kind of deal?Copy !req
1537. You get the charges dropped
against Jay and Silent Bob...Copy !req
1538. and say you never found the ape.Copy !req
1539. In exchange I will give you
the diamonds we stole...Copy !req
1540. and turn in Missy, Chrissy,
Sissy and myself.Copy !req
1541. But I want a reduced sentence.Copy !req
1542. You'd be willing to do that?Copy !req
1543. For him, I'd be willing to do anything.Copy !req
1544. I'm a international jewel thief
who's facing a jail sentence.Copy !req
1545. That's alright.
I'm a junkie with a monkey.Copy !req
1546. If I go to prison will you wait for me?Copy !req
1547. I don't know.Copy !req
1548. Will you fuck me when you get out?Copy !req
1549. Don't change the subject.Copy !req
1550. Will we fuck when you get out?Copy !req
1551. Snoogens.Copy !req
1552. There's a lot of love in the room.Copy !req
1553. Regardless of what you may here heard,
I do not kiss guys.Copy !req
1554. Okay.Copy !req
1555. Play it cool, hotshot.Copy !req
1556. Sorry, Justice. We have to go.Copy !req
1557. And stop stealing monkeys.Copy !req
1558. - Fuck you!Copy !req
1559. - Fair enough.Copy !req
1560. Wait for me.Copy !req
1561. What? Here?Copy !req
1562. Well, boys- you're rich, in love-Copy !req
1563. You're in love-Copy !req
1564. And to top it off
you've got your own monkey.Copy !req
1565. What more could two guys from
Jersey possibly want?Copy !req
1566. To have these fucks stop talking
shit about us on the internet.Copy !req
1567. What've I been telling you?Copy !req
1568. There's not much you can do
to stop that.Copy !req
1569. Short of showing up at their house
and beating the shit out of them.Copy !req
1570. All the money we're making could
buy a lot of plan tickets.Copy !req
1571. Yeah?Copy !req
1572. Do you post as Magnolia Fan
on Movie Poop Shoot. Com?Copy !req
1573. Yeah!Copy !req
1574. Did you write
"Fuck Jay and Silent Bob."Copy !req
1575. "Fuck them in their stupid asses"?Copy !req
1576. Yeah, a while ago. So?Copy !req
1577. quote, "fucking clown shoes
and if they were real...Copy !req
1578. "I'd kick the shit out of them for
being so stupid"?Copy !req
1579. - Yeah.
- Really?Copy !req
1580. That's right. That's it.Copy !req
1581. Right. That's right.Copy !req
1582. That's beautiful, man.Copy !req
1583. That was worse than Clash Of The TitansCopy !req
1584. I can't believe Judy Dench played me.Copy !req
1585. Remind me to renew
that Restraining Order.Copy !req
1586. Why?Copy !req
1587. I am gonna blast that
flick on the internet tonight.Copy !req
1588. Why can't Hollywood ever makes
a decent comic book movie?Copy !req
1589. Tell me, Steve-Dave.Copy !req
1590. Would you stop saying that?Copy !req
1591. That was just another paean
to male adolescence...Copy !req
1592. and its refusal to grow up.Copy !req
1593. Yeah, sis,
but it was better than Mall Rats.Copy !req
1594. At least Holden had the good
sense to keep his name off of it.Copy !req
1595. Why wouldn't Miramax option his
other comic instead?Copy !req
1596. The one with you and him
and your relationship.Copy !req
1597. Chasing Amy?Copy !req
1598. That would never work as a movie.Copy !req
1599. I'm so fucking embarrassed.Copy !req
1600. Honey, you should be.Copy !req
1601. They took your characters...Copy !req
1602. and turned them into one
90-minute long gay joke.Copy !req
1603. It was like watching Batman
and Robin again.Copy !req
1604. Thank, that means a lot coming from
the guy who pretends be "Shaft"...Copy !req
1605. as opposed to the guy who takes shaft.Copy !req
1606. I don't hear you complaining nightly.Copy !req
1607. I don't get out to the movies much,
but I have to say...Copy !req
1608. Bluntman & Chronic was blut-tastic.Copy !req
1609. Are these leg cuffs really necessary?Copy !req
1610. Don't make me shoot you, Justice.Copy !req
1611. The party's across the street featuring
the greatest band in the world...Copy !req
1612. Morris Day and the Time.Copy !req
1613. I...Copy !req
1614. I... I been watching you.Copy !req
1615. I think I want to know you.Copy !req
1616. I said... l’m a little dangerous.Copy !req
1617. Girl I'd love to show you...Copy !req
1618. my jungle love.Copy !req
1619. I'd be like, "What, you don't know
fucking Jay and Silent Bob...Copy !req
1620. the fucking mack-daddies of
fucking Jersey"?Copy !req
1621. And she'd be like "Oh, I read on
the internet that you guys..."Copy !req
1622. "are a couple of little fuck-holes!"Copy !req
1623. I got a bear skinned rug.
Y'all sing it.Copy !req
1624. I got a fireplace. I can't hear you.Copy !req
1625. We're all the way live in L.A.Copy !req
1626. Oh, the things I could do to you.Copy !req
1627. ENDCopy !req