1. Oh, shit. Hey. Hey.
What's... What's this all about?
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2. Hey. Whoa.
This is about Randall, isn't it?
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3. Randall Graves?
I could take you to him.
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4. Seriously, I can.
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5. Listen, guys, I'm not even
supposed to be here today.
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6. One out
of twelve. One out of twelve.
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7. - Gun.
- Stand-by,
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8. suspects operating
illegal marijuana dispensary
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9. inside baked chicken
sandwich store.
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10. I love this shit.
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11. I finally get to arrest
these motherfuckers.
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12. All right, you motherfuckers.
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13. I know you're in there.
Come out right now.
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14. - Yeah.
- Woo.
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15. This is
the Leonardo Police Department.
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16. You're under arrest
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17. for suspicion
of drug trafficking.
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18. Drop your plants now.
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19. I said
drop the motherfucking plants!
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20. I'm the boss.
He did what the fuck I said.
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21. What the...
I said plants, not pants.
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22. - There's nothing there, man.
- That is a white dude.
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23. - What the fuck do you expect?
- There's nothing there!
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24. What the fuck, Sarge?
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25. This son of a bitch
doesn't have a dick.
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26. He's got a fucking dick.
He just got it tucked in.
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27. All right, Buffalo Bill.
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28. Where's your buddy?
Mr. Silence of the Lambs.
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29. Identify yourselves,
motherfuckers!
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30. I'm Jay and this is
my hetero lifemate, Silent Bob.
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31. Home sweet home, right?
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32. Everyone say,
"Yay, it's Jay and Silent Bob."
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33. - Well, just look at you two.
- Who the fuck are you?
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34. I'm your lawyer.
That's who the fuck I am.
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35. Did anybody ever tell you
how a courtroom works?
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36. Okay.
In the criminal justice system,
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37. the people are represented
by two separate
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38. yet equally important groups.
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39. Dude, we've seen
all the Law & Orders.
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40. Oh, me too.
Dick Wolf is a genius.
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41. I just love all of his shows
so much.
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42. In fact, my Grindr name is
Dick Wolfer. Remember that.
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43. Oh, I almost forgot.
Before I represent you,
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44. I'm gonna need you to sign
these legal documents.
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45. What? Read it first?
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46. I mean, come on.
Who cares what that shit says?
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47. Just sign it.
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48. Yeah.
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49. I can't believe that worked.
Well, perfection.
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50. I hope you're both prepared
to go home today,
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51. because I am the best lawyer
in showbiz.
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52. Seriously,
I'm like the Dick Wolf
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53. of getting guys off
with my mouth.
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54. But that's why you hired me,
am I right? Or am I wrong?
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55. But we didn't hire you.
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56. - Small formality.
- All rise.
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57. Thank you. Be seated.
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58. Docket number 37,
People v. Jay and Silent Bob.
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59. Jay and Silent Bob are back?
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60. Charges are drug trafficking
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61. and running an illegal
drug dispensary
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62. disguised as a
chicken sandwich shop called...
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63. Cock Smoker.
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64. Hello, boys.
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65. If you two are here,
it must be a weekday,
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66. but this isn't a court
appointed attorney.
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67. I spy one of those lawyers
you have to pay.
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68. How do your clients plead,
Counselor?
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69. Not guilty, Your Honor.
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70. I guess the weed grew itself.
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71. People on bail?
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72. Hey, Jerry.
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73. - How you doing?
- So we the people would hope
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74. that Your Highness
would remand custody.
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75. Cool?
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76. And I imagine you see it
all differently, Counselor?
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77. The Cock Smoker was neither
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78. eatery nor dispensary,
Your Honor.
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79. It was merely
a promotional pop-up shop.
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80. This affidavit is
from a Hollywood
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81. motion picture company
and this proves that my clients
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82. were nothing more
than paid performers
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83. for a real world
promotional stunt
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84. in support
of a forthcoming movie.
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85. - We are?
- Yes.
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86. We are.
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87. So I ask that all charges
be dropped since my clients
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88. - are so obviously innocent.
- Easy.
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89. They may be obvious
but one thing I would not call
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90. these two is innocent.
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91. But for today, at least,
they are not guilty.
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92. Jay and Silent Bob,
you're free to go.
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93. Case dismissed.
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94. Holy shit.
What the fuck just happened?
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95. I set you free, butterflies,
as promised.
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96. Remember Dick Wolfer on Grindr.
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97. Docket number 38,
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98. Hollywood motion picture company
v. Jay and Silent Bob.
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99. Who's here representing
Hollywood?
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100. I am, Your Honor.
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101. What are you doing?
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102. This is only
my second case of the day
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103. and to tell you the truth,
the whole truth,
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104. and nothing but the truth...
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105. I already need
a fucking drink. Jesus.
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106. Can we get this going,
Counselor?
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107. As you can see,
I have a ton of cases
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108. that we need
to get through today.
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109. Absolutely, Your Honor.
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110. Your Honor, my client,
Saban Films,
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111. is seeking an injunction
against the defendants
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112. for copyright infringement
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113. of the trademarked intellectual
property Jay and Silent Bob.
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114. Yo, this guy's lying,
Your Honor.
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115. Me and Silent Bob
don't own any property.
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116. We've never been intellectual
about anything.
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117. Have your mouth take a knee.
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118. Saban Films.
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119. Didn't they make the
Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers?
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120. Oh, man. You ever see the one
where the red ranger
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121. turns into the gold ranger?
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122. - Dope.
- That was years ago, Your Honor.
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123. Now they're more
of a multimedia company.
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124. Oh. Does the multimedia combine
into a giant Megazord?
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125. Oh, shit.
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126. Anyhoo, last year, Saban Films
acquired worldwide rights
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127. to the campy old
Bluntman and Chronic movie
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128. - for about $3,700 on Craigslist.
- They overpaid.
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129. So, now, all the underlying
rights belong to my client,
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130. including,
not only the titular characters,
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131. but their supporting
secret identities as well,
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132. the registered trademarks
of Jay and Silent Bob.
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133. Ergo, Your Honor,
Saban Films owns their names.
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134. What?
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135. I said Saban Films owns
your names.
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136. Is there any paperwork to back
up a claim this wild, Counselor?
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137. Oh, yes, Your Honor.
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138. I present contracts signed
by the defendants
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139. giving Saban Films
total discretionary control
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140. over the names
Jay and Silent Bob.
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141. That's the paper
we just signed?
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142. Will the defendants please rise?
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143. Oh, shit. We're the defendants?
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144. This document confirms that
Saban Films does indeed own
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145. the 2001 movie
Bluntman and Chronic.
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146. What? That old ass star-studded
piece of shit?
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147. That movie sucked balls.
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148. Not just balls.
It sucked asshole too.
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149. Your Honor, I object.
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150. I'll allow it. That movie did
suck balls and asshole.
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151. Jay and Silent Bob, you are
hereby legally prohibited
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152. from calling yourselves
Jay and Silent Bob ever again.
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153. You're out of order!
You're out of order!
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154. This whole fucking court's
out of order!
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155. Somebody wants an Oscar.
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156. Why'd you move your store
to the mall?
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157. Because apparently,
I wanted to be alone...
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158. Snoogans.
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159. Nah, rent's just cheaper here,
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160. on account of
the mall is slowly dying.
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161. The old girl's
on her last legs, boys.
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162. So much so that you got to
watch out for all the mall rats.
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163. I... I didn't see any kids here.
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164. No, I mean the actual rats
we got running around
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165. this abandoned shithole
of a mall.
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166. Hit the deck, boys.
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167. Let me get this straight...
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168. you guys got busted for running
an illegal pot shop
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169. inside a fake
chicken sandwich store
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170. and the Hollywood lawyer
you didn't hire got you off,
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171. but then he somehow stole
your names?
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172. And then the cops stole the weed
we were working out for years.
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173. And all we got left
from the best bud in the world
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174. are these three joints
right here
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175. made from the flower of one
of the three strains of gold.
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176. Huh. I knew you guys
were weed dealers,
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177. but I never knew you were
weed growers.
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178. Oh, we learned to grow
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179. from watching our favorite movie
of all time,
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180. How High with
Method and Redman.
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181. They're like the black Jay
and Silent Bob.
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182. Holy shit.
You guys still rent DVDs?
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183. Never heard
of Netflix and chill?
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184. One time we Hulu and humped,
right?
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185. But most nights,
we Redbox and jerk off.
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186. So, how are you feeling
about being busted?
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187. LOL.
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188. And on top of that,
the judge told us
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189. we weren't even legally allowed
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190. to be Jay
and Silent Bob no more,
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191. because our names were bought by
some assholes from Sbarro films.
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192. - You mean Sbarro's?
- Yeah, those pizza-making fucks!
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193. All because of some stupid movie
that was made 20 years ago.
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194. It's like,
"Come on already, move on.
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195. The dishes are done, man."
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196. Don't Tell Mom
The Babysitter's Dead.
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197. - A Keith Coogan classic.
- Snoogans.
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198. Well, you know, fellas,
I think your legal woes
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199. have less to do
with the stupid old movie
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200. that came out 20 years ago,
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201. and more to do with the stupid
new movie that's coming soon
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202. to a theater near you.
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203. Oh, come on.
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204. Don't tell me you guys
have no idea
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205. there's a new comic book movie
being made
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206. of the old comic book movie
you two are the basis for.
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207. What, again?
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208. And look, they took away my dick
and made me a girl.
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209. I cannot believe they're gonna
remake this Bluntman bullshit.
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210. Uh, it's not a remake,
it's a reboot.
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211. What the fuck is a reboot?
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212. Well, a reboot, boys,
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213. is when Hollywood wants to make
a lot of money
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214. without the hassle of creating
a new movie,
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215. so they take an old movie
and change just enough
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216. to make you pay for
the same shit all over again.
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217. - Those greedy fucking animals.
- Oh, it's insidious.
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218. They take a flick you loved
as a kid
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219. and add youth
and diversity to it.
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220. For example, name the movie
where a robot has secret plans
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221. that could help the good guys
beat the bad guys
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222. and their leader in a black mask
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223. by blowing up a giant ray gun
in space.
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224. - Star Wars.
- No. The Force Awakens.
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225. See, now, that's what you call
a reboot. Nang.
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226. I thought that was a sequel.
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227. Hollywood doesn't make
sequels anymore.
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228. Shit, they don't even make
squeakquels, yo.
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229. Studios have given up
on new ideas entirely
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230. in favor of building
multi-movie universes
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231. that breed brand-loyal customers
from cradle to grave.
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232. So if you like Harry Potter,
cashinigus,
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233. you're getting ten fucking more.
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234. You like The Fast and Furious
flicks,
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235. we're gonna drive the franchise
into the ground, bitch.
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236. Ooh, you want another
Marvel movie, here we go.
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237. Hey, man, those Marvel movies
are a triumph of cinema.
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238. I live on those Marvel movies.
I live for those Marvel movies.
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239. I watch those Marvel movies
more than I watch Pornhub,
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240. and I cum twice as hard
doing it.
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241. - Dishes are done, man.
- Look, all I'm saying is,
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242. if Hollywood doesn't start
making some original flicks now,
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243. there's not gonna be anything
to be reboot in ten years,
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244. then they'll just be rebooting
the reboots.
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245. It's like we're reaching
point break for pop culture,
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246. and it ain't gonna be
the good Point Break
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247. with Swayz-dog and Keanu.
It's gonna be the remake.
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248. Wait. What's the difference
between a reboot and a remake?
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249. Well, I'm glad you asked, Jay,
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250. because a remake is like
a reboot where the studio
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251. doesn't care how the audience
feels about the original movie,
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252. so, they just keep the title,
fuck up everything else,
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253. and ruin both flicks
in the process, see?
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254. Which is probably what
Bluntman v Chronic is gonna be,
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255. because the director of this
impending abortion of cinema
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256. is none other than
Kevin fucking Smith.
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257. - Who?
- You know, the guy who directed
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258. that Bruce Willis winner,
Cop Out.
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259. That queef.
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260. They still let him make movies
after that walrus shit?
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261. What can I tell you,
in Hollywood,
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262. people fail upwards.
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263. I fucking hate
stupid Kevin Smith,
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264. first, he took away our names,
then he took away my dick.
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265. Well, we gotta stop
stupid Kevin Smith
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266. from making
another shitty movie
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267. about Jay
and Silent Bob ever again.
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268. Well, then, youse guys better
get your asses to Chronic-Con.
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269. - And what the fuck is this shit?
- Chronic-Con,
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270. when it started out, it was
a homegrown fanfest for people
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271. who love that campy old
Bluntman and Chronic movie
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272. with Jason Biggs
and James Van Der Beek.
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273. Those guys, I saw them bitches
get beat up by a monkey.
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274. But now,
Chronic-Con's morphed
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275. into an annual
pop culture convention.
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276. I don't know how you guys would
even get in at this point.
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277. Tickets are already sold-out.
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278. Sold-out? After all these years,
what kind of broken fucks
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279. still wanna watch this Jay
and Silent Bob bullshit anyway?
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280. Well, enough to run
an Omaze auction
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281. for a cameo in the reboot.
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282. Hey, man, it's me, Kevin Smith.
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283. You know, the filmmaker...
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284. Look at this ugly motherfucker,
probably got a tiny dick too.
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285. Now, I got some big news
for you, man,
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286. we are shooting a key sequence
to Bluntman v Chronic
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287. at this year's Chronic-Con, man.
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288. This scene is so important.
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289. We cannot finish this movie
without it.
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290. So enter right now
and maybe I'll see you
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291. this Friday in Hollywood.
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292. Would you fucking stop?
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293. Dick.
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294. Hollywood,
where we struck back, yo.
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295. Oh, you will never find
a more wretched hive
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296. of scum
and villainy.
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297. But that "director" just said
they couldn't finish the movie
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298. without the scene they're
shooting at this Chronic-Con.
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299. So all we got to do is get
to Hollywood,
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300. stop him from shooting
that scene and biggity bam,
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301. Kevin James can't finish
the movie.
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302. Ke... Never mind.
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303. We got three days to get
to Chronic-Con,
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304. take our names back, rescue
my dick from Kevin James
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305. and stop this reboot
from ever happening.
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306. Come on, Silent Bob,
we're going back to Hollywood.
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307. And on that note,
we cue the music.
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308. Have a great flight.
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309. Hi, there.
Welcome to Southbest Airlines.
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310. How can I help y'all?
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311. "Y'all"? What kind
of Jersey accent is that?
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312. I'm from South Jersey.
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313. Now, what can I do for y'all?
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314. Two tickets to Hollywood.
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315. In coach, I'm assuming.
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316. That'll be 337 a piece, boys.
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317. Oh.
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318. How about we start
with y'all's names?
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319. I am Don Juan Dela Nooch.
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320. And this is
Senor Roberto Silencio.
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321. Those names sound
kind of made-up.
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322. Listen, lady, our real names
are Jay and Silent Bob,
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323. - but this morning...
- Yeah.
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324. Kevin James,
The King of fucking Queens,
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325. stole those names.
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326. I can't book y'all under your
fake names,
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327. so why don't I try
Jay and Silent Bob,
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328. which also sound
like fake names, I might add.
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329. Ooh, sorry, boys,
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330. but it says here that you got
a wait problem.
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331. - Weight problem?
- Mm-hmm.
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332. Are you saying
he's still too fat to fly?
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333. Are you fucking blind
as Anne Frank?
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334. Silent Bob lost a bunch
of weight, lady.
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335. He went all vegan and shit,
eating that v-gina.
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336. - That's not right.
- I used to call him lunch box,
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337. but now I have to call him
snack pack.
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338. I used to say,
"Fly, fat ass. Fly."
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339. Now I have to say,
"Fly, low-fat ass. Fly."
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340. Let me make something
straight here,
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341. I said, "Wait problem."
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342. And the... problem is
that y'all can't fly,
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343. because ya are
on the No-Fly List.
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344. There is something here about
a terrorist organization
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345. - called The Clit.
- The Clit's not real.
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346. Says every guy I ever dated.
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347. I'm sorry, but y'all can't fly,
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348. because y'all are
on the No-Fly List,
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349. but you know what you could do,
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350. maybe you could
Ride Me Now instead.
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351. Ride you now?
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352. Ride Me Now is a ride-share app.
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353. So you just do one click
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354. and Ride Me Now
will send you a car
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355. and that car will take y'all
wherever y'all wanna go.
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356. - Yeah?
- Yeah.
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357. Well then, fuck your planes,
Joline.
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358. Okay. Bye-bye.
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359. Go fuck yourself.
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360. The app needs a credit card?
Dude, what are we gonna do?
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361. You know what you do,
you go fuck yourself,
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362. that's what you do.
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363. No. You listen to me,
you call center Khalifa,
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364. the dummy at the counter
couldn't find my reservation,
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365. that's why you're gonna find
my reservation
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366. or I'm gonna have
the both of you fired.
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367. Someone should teach
that motherfucker a lesson.
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368. All right. I'm gonna give you
the credit card number again.
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369. I'm gonna read it so slowly
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370. and out loud in public so that
you will understand.
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371. All right. The name
is Ted Underhill.
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372. Not Ed, Ted.
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373. T... T... T... T.
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374. And the number is nine...
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375. five...
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376. eight...
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377. four...
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378. Ted Underhill?
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379. Yo,
I'm Ted motherfucking Underhill.
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380. Wait. You wanna smoke
one of those unicorns now?
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381. Dude, we only got
three left, man.
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382. And after we smoke them,
they're gone forever.
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383. Let's save them
for a special occasion.
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384. I say we smoke
this little bitch.
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385. Ooh.
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386. Oh, come on, man.
I roll a perfect Silent Bob
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387. and you're pissed about it?
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388. This motherfucker belongs
in a museum, son.
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389. Light it up.
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390. I'm almost glad you guys
are smoking back there.
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391. I was driving someone
about a week ago
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392. and he took a, uh, big shit
in the back seat.
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393. I had no idea until the next
passenger found it.
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394. It was everywhere.
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395. You have no idea how hard it is
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396. to get the smell of shit
out of pleather.
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397. I mean, it just stays there,
really, it's like a ghost.
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398. You guys are my first two
passengers since that big shit.
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399. I'm your driver by the way,
Todd Merkinsky.
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400. Nice to meet you.
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401. Oh, Merkinsky.
I will call you Merkin.
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402. Todd would be better.
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403. Why does your car smell like
French fries, Merkin?
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404. Because in my car, guess what
I have instead of gum,
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405. I have tater tots.
Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.
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406. You got tater tots up
in this bitch,
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407. where you'd get them?
Copy !req
408. Well, I'm a businessman,
an entrepreneur,
Copy !req
409. and, uh, I had a business idea,
teen girls love tater tots.
Copy !req
410. So I came up with Hater Totz.
Copy !req
411. Got a little, uh, quiz on there,
Copy !req
412. you know, is your BFF
really the bezt
Copy !req
413. and it's kind of like a,
I don't know,
Copy !req
414. TigerBeat
on a box of tater tots.
Copy !req
415. And those tween girls,
Copy !req
416. they still love that TigerBeat,
right?
Copy !req
417. Right?
Copy !req
418. I'm wrong. I was very wrong.
Copy !req
419. Hater Totz means different
things to different people.
Copy !req
420. What do I mean by that?
Copy !req
421. Well, Hater Totz started
attracting a customer base
Copy !req
422. I never wanted or asked for...
Copy !req
423. white nationalists.
Copy !req
424. Can you believe it?
How did they even hear about it?
Copy !req
425. So, I shut down. I just declared
bankruptcy and now, well...
Copy !req
426. I serve these leftover
tater tots to all my riders,
Copy !req
427. F-O-C, free of charge.
Copy !req
428. Take as many tater tots
as you want,
Copy !req
429. eat all the tater tots you take.
Copy !req
430. By the way, I don't know
if my app is wrong,
Copy !req
431. but, uh, it says here you're
supposed to go to Hollywood?
Copy !req
432. All right. That's very,
very far. I'll make you a deal.
Copy !req
433. I'll drive you all the way
to Hollywood, California.
Copy !req
434. You give me a big tip
and some amazing feedback.
Copy !req
435. Deal-io Emilio.
Now, drive, Miss Daisy. Drive.
Copy !req
436. All right. Here we go.
Hollywood.
Copy !req
437. Hi. Remember me?
Copy !req
438. I'm Loki, the Angel of Death
from Dogma.
Copy !req
439. Now, if your kids are looking
at you right now like,
Copy !req
440. "That's not Tom Hiddleston,"
Copy !req
441. just tell them I was Loki
in the '90s, before it was cool.
Copy !req
442. And I did it
without the fake British accent.
Copy !req
443. Anyway, for 20 years now
people ask,
Copy !req
444. "What happened to Loki
at the end of Dogma?
Copy !req
445. Did he go to hell?"
Copy !req
446. Heavens no.
Copy !req
447. Pun intended. But I did almost
unmake existence,
Copy !req
448. so as punishment, God, who looks
exactly like Alanis Morissette,
Copy !req
449. banished me to life on earth
again,
Copy !req
450. but not Wisconsin this time.
Thank, Christ. No.
Copy !req
451. God dropped me
in the Mediterranean Sea
Copy !req
452. where I was rescued
by Italian fisherman.
Copy !req
453. I didn't even know
who I was anymore.
Copy !req
454. I had total amnesia.
Copy !req
455. So, after the events of Dogma,
Copy !req
456. I guess you could say
I was born again.
Copy !req
457. And what you're looking
at now is...
Copy !req
458. wait for it, my reborn identity.
Copy !req
459. Oh, shit. Pun game on point.
Copy !req
460. You just got touched
by an angel, son.
Copy !req
461. Anyway,
after driving for half a day,
Copy !req
462. Jay and Silent Bob
stopped in Chicago,
Copy !req
463. where their lives
would change forever.
Copy !req
464. Oh, yeah. Cha-cha-cha-cha.
Nice driving, Merkin.
Copy !req
465. Oh, thanks, Misters Underhill.
Copy !req
466. To be honest,
I'm glad you wanted to stop.
Copy !req
467. No offense, but, uh, your
cigarettes are kind of strong.
Copy !req
468. We ain't smoking cigarettes,
we smoking that weed.
Copy !req
469. You're smoking marijuana?
Copy !req
470. Ah, wow.
Copy !req
471. You guys are so brave.
Copy !req
472. I'm always scared to be busted
by the cops,
Copy !req
473. so I've never tried weed
my entire life.
Copy !req
474. What? Wait a second. Wait... No.
You wanna give him one of those?
Copy !req
475. You just heard the man,
he's never smoked in his life
Copy !req
476. and you wanna bust
his green cherry
Copy !req
477. with one of our last strains
of gold we have left?
Copy !req
478. Dude, what are you thinking,
bro?
Copy !req
479. Oh, Jersey Local 404.
Copy !req
480. Jersey makes,
the whole world bakes.
Copy !req
481. We feed every need for weed,
son.
Copy !req
482. Merkin, this is gonna change
your life.
Copy !req
483. Change it.
Copy !req
484. Fuck me up the vegan ass.
I'm gonna get my cow tipper on.
Copy !req
485. Mr. Underhill.
Copy !req
486. Mr. Underhill. Mr. Underhill.
Copy !req
487. Welcome to Moo-by's.
Copy !req
488. What are you
in the moo-d for today?
Copy !req
489. Let me get one of those
Moo-ilk shakes
Copy !req
490. and a cow tipper with fries.
Copy !req
491. And, oh, let me get one of those
fur burgers Brazilian style
Copy !req
492. for our chauffer outside.
Copy !req
493. Cool.
Copy !req
494. What?
You want me to order for you?
Copy !req
495. I don't want your v-gina
touching my burgers.
Copy !req
496. Come on, dude. That's why
you don't get laid, sir,
Copy !req
497. because women love meat
in their mouth,
Copy !req
498. and you ain't nothing
but a broccoli bitch.
Copy !req
499. So, if you wanna order
your healthy veggies,
Copy !req
500. open your mouth, do it yourself.
I'm gonna go drop a deuce.
Copy !req
501. You in the moo-d
for anything else?
Copy !req
502. Uh-uh.
Copy !req
503. You did not just offer me
your old man dick.
Copy !req
504. Okay. Fine. Whip it out.
Come on. Just whip it out.
Copy !req
505. - Ms. McKenzie!
- What the fuck is going on here?
Copy !req
506. This old fool
just egg-planted me.
Copy !req
507. Uh, I'm 47 and I have no idea
what that means.
Copy !req
508. Now this dirty
old assfuck's in here
Copy !req
509. trying to show us his dirty
old-ass dick, Ms. McKenzie,
Copy !req
510. so bust his ass.
Copy !req
511. Okay, sir. You're gonna have
to come with me.
Copy !req
512. This way.
Copy !req
513. Congratulations,
Flappy. You deserve it.
Copy !req
514. And now with the forecast,
here's News 10's meteorologist,
Copy !req
515. Justice Falcon.
Copy !req
516. What's the weather
going to be tomorrow?
Copy !req
517. We are gonna get so much rain,
Copy !req
518. I'm getting wet
just thinking about it.
Copy !req
519. Justice?
Copy !req
520. Holy shit, Silent Bob. Look,
it's my long-lost ex-girlfriend,
Copy !req
521. Boo Boo Kitty Fuck.
Copy !req
522. Oh, shit. Is he having a stroke?
Copy !req
523. Yo, Mary, I used to knock boots
Copy !req
524. with the weather lady,
all right?
Copy !req
525. So I'm gonna go find her
Copy !req
526. and I'm gonna give her
a warm front
Copy !req
527. with a possible low of 69.
Snoogans.
Copy !req
528. You want a burger for lunch?
Copy !req
529. Uh, no thanks.
I just ate some vegan.
Copy !req
530. Yummy, yummy, yummy.
Copy !req
531. Holy shit, Merkin's gone.
Copy !req
532. That entrepreneurial fuck.
Copy !req
533. Ooh, and your dumb-ass gave him
Copy !req
534. one of the last three
strains of gold we had left.
Copy !req
535. Let's write him a nasty review.
Copy !req
536. Type this shit,
Copy !req
537. "Oh, motherfucker,
you're gonna pay.
Copy !req
538. You are the one
who is the Hater Tot.
Copy !req
539. Fuck your frozen food dreams.
Copy !req
540. Do you even know
what a merkin is?
Copy !req
541. It is a pube toupee.
Copy !req
542. So why don't you live up
to your name
Copy !req
543. and go sit on some bald dick.
Copy !req
544. Lady, lady, lady,
Copy !req
545. Jay and Silent Bob
are at your hizouse.
Copy !req
546. Holy shit.
Copy !req
547. Dude, she's so excited
to see me, she fainted.
Copy !req
548. Look at that shit, man.
When she wakes up, I'll be like,
Copy !req
549. "Come, son of Jor-El,
kneel before Zod."
Copy !req
550. Sleep, big boy, sleep.
Copy !req
551. Holy fuck!
Copy !req
552. What the fuck is this?
Copy !req
553. What the fuck is this?
Copy !req
554. What the fuck are you
even doing here, Jay?
Copy !req
555. I missed you,
Boo Boo Kitty Fuck.
Copy !req
556. Aw, you remembered.
Copy !req
557. - I missed you too.
- Yeah?
Copy !req
558. Old friend.
Copy !req
559. Old friend? No, bro.
Copy !req
560. I'm like a super friend,
all right?
Copy !req
561. A super friend
who wants to get back
Copy !req
562. inside the hall of Justice,
yeah.
Copy !req
563. Uh, okay. Sit down.
Copy !req
564. Okay.
Copy !req
565. I'm married, Jay.
Copy !req
566. Ew, you're fucking married?
Copy !req
567. - Yeah.
- What about us?
Copy !req
568. Us?
Copy !req
569. I haven't heard from you
in 18 years, Jay.
Copy !req
570. I mean, you never even came
to see me when I was in jail.
Copy !req
571. Oh, that's because they
wouldn't let us fuck.
Copy !req
572. Is that why you never visited?
Copy !req
573. Oh, my gosh. And all this time,
Copy !req
574. I just thought
you were mad at me.
Copy !req
575. Why would I be mad at you,
Boo Boo Kitty Fuck?
Copy !req
576. Because I never told you
I had a baby.
Copy !req
577. Ew, you're
someone's fucking mom now?
Copy !req
578. Yes, you big goof.
Copy !req
579. And, uh, I thought you'd be
upset if you ever found out
Copy !req
580. who the father is.
Copy !req
581. Wait, why? Who's the father?
Is it Silent Bob?
Copy !req
582. No, Jay.
Copy !req
583. It's you.
Copy !req
584. I have a fucking kid?
Copy !req
585. We have a kid. A daughter.
Copy !req
586. I have a girl daughter?
Copy !req
587. Why the fuck didn't you tell me,
man?
Copy !req
588. We could've been a family
this whole time.
Copy !req
589. A family?
Copy !req
590. Jay, you're a great guy
Copy !req
591. and you have
a million-dollar heart.
Copy !req
592. A nickel head,
but a million-dollar heart.
Copy !req
593. All you ever needed in life
was Silent Bob and...
Copy !req
594. a good bag of weed.
Copy !req
595. But a baby needs a home
and stability.
Copy !req
596. I'm stable as a table.
Copy !req
597. Yeah. Right. What... What are you
doing in Chicago anyway?
Copy !req
598. Me and Silent Bob are going
to Hollywood
Copy !req
599. to stop these fuckers
from making a movie about us.
Copy !req
600. Sounds familiar.
Copy !req
601. Jay, you're a nice guy
and you're a lot of fun.
Copy !req
602. But if I'm being honest here...
Copy !req
603. uh, I really don't think
you're dad material.
Copy !req
604. But you're here now,
so maybe you should meet
Copy !req
605. the little girl who knocked
you out and tied you up.
Copy !req
606. I've always said her dad
took off before she was born,
Copy !req
607. so she'll have no idea
you two are related.
Copy !req
608. And I want it to stay that way,
Copy !req
609. so you can never tell her
who you really are, okay?
Copy !req
610. You gotta promise me
you won't say anything.
Copy !req
611. What are you telling me for?
He's the one with the big mouth.
Copy !req
612. Brace yourself. You're about
to meet our love child.
Copy !req
613. Uh, I think I'm gonna need
to see a blood test.
Copy !req
614. Hello.
Copy !req
615. Mom, I told you
to leave these meth heads
Copy !req
616. tied up until the cops got here.
Copy !req
617. Okay.
Copy !req
618. I didn't call the cops
Copy !req
619. and these guys
are not meth heads, okay?
Copy !req
620. They only look like meth heads
because they're from New Jersey.
Copy !req
621. Boys, this is my daughter,
Millennium Falcon.
Copy !req
622. Dude, like Star Wars.
Copy !req
623. Milly, these are friends of mine
from a long time ago,
Copy !req
624. a long time ago
in a galaxy far, far away.
Copy !req
625. I almost killed the older one.
Copy !req
626. Older one?
Copy !req
627. So you guys got names or what?
Copy !req
628. I'm Jay and... I mean...
Copy !req
629. I'm Ted Underhill and this
is my hetero-lifemate,
Copy !req
630. Mr. Taint.
Copy !req
631. Hetero-lifemate,
I got one of those.
Copy !req
632. This is my best friend,
Soapy Pia.
Copy !req
633. Ooh. Como estas, Soapy Penis?
Copy !req
634. Holy shit. It's Soapy Pia.
Copy !req
635. Say hi to my mom's
Copy !req
636. culturally insensitive, horrible
Copy !req
637. - friends.
- Millennium.
Copy !req
638. Dude, this is like watching
your favorite movie,
Copy !req
639. The Quiet Place.
Copy !req
640. Sorry, it's like watching
your second favorite movie,
Copy !req
641. The Shape of Water. My bad.
Copy !req
642. How could you let people
this stupid into our house,
Copy !req
643. let alone my room?
Copy !req
644. Uh, can they leave now?
Copy !req
645. Ted and Mr. Taint
just wanted to meet you, Milly.
Copy !req
646. They're just passing
through town
Copy !req
647. on their way to California.
Copy !req
648. Wait. California?
Copy !req
649. Uh, yo, meth heads.
Copy !req
650. Where are you going
in California?
Copy !req
651. Oh, we're going to this
stupid convention in Hollywood.
Copy !req
652. Holy fuck. Are you talking
about Chronic-Con?
Copy !req
653. - Yeah.
- Language.
Copy !req
654. Oh, my God, Reggie's here.
Copy !req
655. - Who the fuck is Reggie?
- My better half.
Copy !req
656. Okay. I love you.
Copy !req
657. We'll call you soon as we land
in Machu Picchu, okay?
Copy !req
658. And I left you $200
in the fridge.
Copy !req
659. Now, say goodbye
to Mr. Underhill.
Copy !req
660. Goodbye forever, Methy Marvin.
Copy !req
661. It was so cool to meet you.
Copy !req
662. Okay. Um, I gotta go.
Copy !req
663. Let's go. I... I got to go.
Copy !req
664. - I love you.
- Love you.
Copy !req
665. It's fucked up enough
I had to meet my kid,
Copy !req
666. now I got to meet your husband?
Copy !req
667. Um, you're not meeting
my husband.
Copy !req
668. Jessie.
Copy !req
669. - Let's go.
- Hey.
Copy !req
670. - You know I hate O'Hare.
- Mm.
Copy !req
671. But first, I...
Copy !req
672. Who the fuck are these guys?
Copy !req
673. Boys, this is Reggie Faulken...
Copy !req
674. my wife.
Copy !req
675. Wife? Holy shit,
you married a lady?
Copy !req
676. Ooh, a lady. I like him.
He's proper.
Copy !req
677. Reggie, this is Jay
of Jay and Silent Bob fame.
Copy !req
678. - Oh, my God. This is him?
- Yes.
Copy !req
679. This is
Mr. Cum Quick Thumb Dick?
Copy !req
680. - Shh.
- Oh, my God.
Copy !req
681. I never ever thought I'd get
the chance to meet you.
Copy !req
682. You're like a living legend.
Copy !req
683. - For what?
- All the wrong reasons, bro.
Copy !req
684. stop by on your way home
from Hollywood.
Copy !req
685. Maybe you and Milly can spend
some time together
Copy !req
686. before you head back to Jersey.
Copy !req
687. Fuck, man.
Last time we were in Chicago,
Copy !req
688. we couldn't find
Sherman, Illinois.
Copy !req
689. This time, I didn't get laid
Copy !req
690. because my fucking ex-girlfriend
has a wife.
Copy !req
691. This Windy City can blow me.
Let's go.
Copy !req
692. I know we only just met,
Copy !req
693. but I really feel
like I know you...
Copy !req
694. at least enough
to ask you a favor.
Copy !req
695. - You wanna ask me a favor?
- Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
696. Hold on a sec.
Copy !req
697. Holy fuck, man.
Copy !req
698. This is my first chance to act
like a real dad, Silent Bob.
Copy !req
699. Okay. What's the favor?
Copy !req
700. Can you take us
to Hollywood with you?
Copy !req
701. Fuck, no, man!
Copy !req
702. I can't be bringing private
school girls to Hollyweird.
Copy !req
703. It's a tough-ass neighborhood.
Copy !req
704. He said no.
Copy !req
705. Okay. Let's do this
the hard way, butt plug.
Copy !req
706. Either you take us to Hollywood
or I stab you both to death
Copy !req
707. on my own front fucking lawn!
Copy !req
708. And when the cops come,
Copy !req
709. I'll tell them it was an act
of self-defense
Copy !req
710. after you tried
to break into my house.
Copy !req
711. The home of Chicago's beloved
lesbian weather lady.
Copy !req
712. I'll get off like a porn star,
Copy !req
713. and you two will be dead
as dodos.
Copy !req
714. So I suggest you take out
your phone,
Copy !req
715. open your little fucking app,
Copy !req
716. and order us a car to Hollywood
right now!
Copy !req
717. Oh, you can't just go around
threatening people.
Copy !req
718. Don't tell me what to do.
You're not my father.
Copy !req
719. I don't get it.
Copy !req
720. Why does the deaf kid
get to DJ instead of me?
Copy !req
721. Because Soapy has great taste
in music
Copy !req
722. and you're a fucking dildo.
Copy !req
723. What? She doesn't even know
what a dildo is probably.
Copy !req
724. Uh, I have two dildos
and a strap-on, so, yeah,
Copy !req
725. - I do.
- What are you, nuts?
Copy !req
726. You can't say strap-on
in public.
Copy !req
727. Man, you're just a kid.
Copy !req
728. Are you gonna be
this fucking annoying
Copy !req
729. the entire trip?
Because if so...
Copy !req
730. - smoke some of this shit.
- Holy shit, that's weed.
Copy !req
731. - That's right.
- Where'd you get it?
Copy !req
732. - From her.
- Where'd she get it?
Copy !req
733. Soapy lives on a commune
in Oregon where deaf people
Copy !req
734. grow the best weed in the West.
Copy !req
735. Deaf people know
how to grow weed?
Copy !req
736. I'm sorry, how old are you?
Copy !req
737. - Fuck you. How old are you?
- I'm 18.
Copy !req
738. You can't be smoking no weed
at 18.
Copy !req
739. I can. Watch me.
Copy !req
740. Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Don't... You're gonna break it.
Copy !req
741. - Fuck off my flower.
- Ow.
Copy !req
742. You know what? This is my ride
and I'm paying for it, girlie.
Copy !req
743. So if you don't put that weed
away,
Copy !req
744. I'm gonna kick your narrow ass
to the curb.
Copy !req
745. - Fine.
- See? That's better.
Copy !req
746. All right? You're just a kid.
Copy !req
747. Why don't you eat
some candy or something?
Copy !req
748. Okay.
Copy !req
749. - Happy?
- Chocolate. That's better.
Copy !req
750. Way better than weed
for a little girl.
Copy !req
751. - Yeah. You want some?
- Shit, yeah. I love sugar.
Copy !req
752. Hmm.
Copy !req
753. You guys aren't gonna eat
any chocolate?
Copy !req
754. Oh, no. Um, I smoke my weed,
I don't eat it.
Copy !req
755. Punch Bar?
Copy !req
756. There's weed in that chocolate?
Copy !req
757. We... Holy shit. She poisoned us.
Copy !req
758. It isn't poison,
but it is potent.
Copy !req
759. And you ate, uh, 50 times
the recommended dosage.
Copy !req
760. These old fuckers are gonna die.
Copy !req
761. Uh, you... You know what? No, no,
no. Calm down. Calm down.
Copy !req
762. You think we can't handle
edibles?
Copy !req
763. You think we can't handle
these silly-ass chocolate bars?
Copy !req
764. You're mistaken.
Copy !req
765. Can you believe these two?
Edibles ain't shit, right?
Copy !req
766. You got a blunt?
Copy !req
767. You got weed, brother?
Copy !req
768. Back out
of the club, nigga.
Copy !req
769. Holy shit, Silent Bob,
look, it's Method & Red.
Copy !req
770. We got visitors.
Copy !req
771. I'm Jay and this is
my hetero-lifemate, Silent Bob.
Copy !req
772. Silent Bob, huh?
Copy !req
773. That's kind of hot.
That's your rap name?
Copy !req
774. We came here seeking advice.
Copy !req
775. Well, look no further.
Copy !req
776. Me and Red,
we got life experience.
Copy !req
777. Like they say on Reddit.
Ask me anything.
Copy !req
778. Okay, great masters
of the green.
Copy !req
779. I just found out I have a kid
Copy !req
780. and then that kid roofied us
with chocolates.
Copy !req
781. My advice, if you got a kid
that'll get you stoned...
Copy !req
782. Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
783. have another kid
just like that one.
Copy !req
784. - Facts. Facts
- Just like that.
Copy !req
785. The thing is I don't know
how to be a father.
Copy !req
786. I didn't even know my own dad
Copy !req
787. and I don't know what dads
are supposed to do.
Copy !req
788. Philosophically
in a manner of speaking,
Copy !req
789. being a father does
not necessarily make one a dad,
Copy !req
790. - am I right, Doc?
- Guys,
Copy !req
791. anybody and I mean,
anti-body...
Copy !req
792. - Mm-hmm.
- ... with cum...
Copy !req
793. Gi-gi-gi-gi-gi!
Copy !req
794. can be a father.
Copy !req
795. But only love can make you
a dad, you understand me?
Copy !req
796. Okay. Wait
a minute. How you gonna talk
Copy !req
797. about love and you flinging cum
all over the place?
Copy !req
798. - That shit's unseemly, brah.
- Unseemly? God damn it, listen,
Copy !req
799. - you wanna be a good dad?
- Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
800. Then just think of all
the fucked-up shit
Copy !req
801. your dad did wrong,
Copy !req
802. 'cause... look at you,
and do the opposite.
Copy !req
803. - Feel me?
- But I never met my own dad.
Copy !req
804. But you met your kid.
Copy !req
805. There you go. See?
Copy !req
806. You already a better dad
than your dad ever was, bruh.
Copy !req
807. Now, get the fuck out
and hit the road.
Copy !req
808. - Hit the road.
- The road.
Copy !req
809. - The road.
- The road.
Copy !req
810. - The road.
- The road.
Copy !req
811. - The road.
- The road.
Copy !req
812. The road.
Copy !req
813. Whoa, dude.
Copy !req
814. This isn't Hulu and hump day,
dude. Man, what if someone saw?
Copy !req
815. I saw you.
Copy !req
816. And I'm putting you
on my Instagram,
Copy !req
817. Holy shit, it's a terrorist.
Copy !req
818. Where? Where?
Where's the terrorist?
Copy !req
819. She's not a terrorist, you fuck.
Copy !req
820. But ironically
her name is Jihad,
Copy !req
821. so do with that what you will.
Copy !req
822. As-salamu alaykum.
Copy !req
823. That sounds like baby talk.
Copy !req
824. No, that's just talk, baby.
Copy !req
825. And by baby,
I mean oldest man I've ever met.
Copy !req
826. How old are these fuckers?
Copy !req
827. I'm pretty sure they were alive
during the '90s.
Copy !req
828. No way. That's before they even
built the internet.
Copy !req
829. Jihad, that was, like,
before they built the pyramids.
Copy !req
830. Jihad? Why does that name
sound familiar.
Copy !req
831. If you fuck with any of us,
Copy !req
832. I live up to my name and I put
you underground, Underhill.
Copy !req
833. Does every girl carry
a knife nowadays?
Copy !req
834. Well, in a world full of dicks,
Copy !req
835. knives really help a girl
make a point.
Copy !req
836. And if you had a daughter,
wouldn't you want her
Copy !req
837. - to carry a knife?
- Shit yes.
Copy !req
838. Shit, no, I have a daughter
and she scared me
Copy !req
839. when she pulled a knife on me.
Copy !req
840. What's this creepy Ring shit?
Copy !req
841. This is my not creepy friend,
Shan Yu, she's from China.
Copy !req
842. We picked her up in Missouri.
Copy !req
843. Missouri?
Where the fuck are we now?
Copy !req
844. Just outside New Orleans.
Copy !req
845. - We're in Connecticut?
- It's Louisiana, man, Jesus.
Copy !req
846. Louisiana?
How long was I asleep for?
Copy !req
847. - Eighteen hours straight.
- What?
Copy !req
848. I told you those edibles
were strong.
Copy !req
849. Dude, why didn't you wake me up?
Copy !req
850. We'll never make it
to Hollywood now.
Copy !req
851. - What the fuck?
- Shan Yu records
Copy !req
852. every interaction she hears
for her podcast,
Copy !req
853. which she uses to contextualize
life in America
Copy !req
854. for her audience in China.
Copy !req
855. The podcast is called
Copy !req
856. The American Entitled
and Their First World Problems.
Copy !req
857. Shan Yu understands English,
Mr. Underhill.
Copy !req
858. She just can't speak it.
Copy !req
859. Kind of like you actually.
Copy !req
860. Wait a minute,
where the fucks the car at?
Copy !req
861. Now that there are six of us,
Copy !req
862. we need a bigger whip
than Ride Me Now has,
Copy !req
863. so we're gonna get a van.
Copy !req
864. What are you, fucking dumb
or something?
Copy !req
865. How are you gonna get a van
in the middle of nowhere?
Copy !req
866. Thanks
to Operation Predator Editor.
Copy !req
867. Okay, places, everybody, places.
Copy !req
868. What the fuck is
Operation Predator Editor?
Copy !req
869. This is
Operation Predator Editor.
Copy !req
870. Phase one, Millennium
takes naked selfies.
Copy !req
871. - No, she didn't.
- She did.
Copy !req
872. For phase two, Millennium posts
selfies on pedophile website.
Copy !req
873. - What the fuck? Why?
- For phase three,
Copy !req
874. Millennium tells interested
pedophile with van
Copy !req
875. to meet her
here for a free ride.
Copy !req
876. Free ride?
Copy !req
877. Oh, nice outfit, man.
Copy !req
878. Oh, thanks, you like it?
Yeah, did you ever see
Copy !req
879. - Cannonball Run?
- No.
Copy !req
880. - The great Dom DeLuise?
- No.
Copy !req
881. That really fell apart
right there.
Copy !req
882. You're pretty flamboyant
for a pedophile.
Copy !req
883. You pedophile piece of shit.
Copy !req
884. What the fuck were you thinking
Copy !req
885. getting in that van
with this guy?
Copy !req
886. I was thinking phase four.
Copy !req
887. Ted Underhill beats up
the pedophile
Copy !req
888. and we take the van.
Copy !req
889. All right. What if I didn't get
to the van in time?
Copy !req
890. You saw what I can do
with a hockey stick.
Copy !req
891. I know how to handle myself.
Copy !req
892. Yeah. You grew up in a big house
in a rich kid neighborhood
Copy !req
893. and went to private school.
Copy !req
894. You have no idea how dangerous
people can be.
Copy !req
895. So true.
Copy !req
896. In Syria, a boy touched
my left nipple
Copy !req
897. and told everybody
I know about that shit.
Copy !req
898. I said dangerous, man.
Not bitch ass boys
Copy !req
899. who got to second base.
Copy !req
900. When my brother found out,
he tried to smother me
Copy !req
901. in my sleep with a pillow
for shaming my family.
Copy !req
902. So my mom sent me to America.
Copy !req
903. You know what, fuck
your brother, all right?
Copy !req
904. If the motherfucker tried
to smother me.
Copy !req
905. I'd kick his ass to Asgard
where Thor lives.
Copy !req
906. - No, Thor lives in my dreams.
- Mine too.
Copy !req
907. Every night after I fall asleep,
I fuck Chris Hemsworth.
Copy !req
908. Holy fuckhole, where did you get
such a damn dirty mouth from?
Copy !req
909. I'd put my damn dirty mouth
all over Hemsworth.
Copy !req
910. Yeah, and I'd be like,
Copy !req
911. "Give me that Hammer,
Odin's son."
Copy !req
912. Put it in my hands to see
if I'm worthy.
Copy !req
913. - You guys better stop.
- Oh, I'd never stop.
Copy !req
914. I'd fuck Chris Hemsworth
until I was Thor.
Copy !req
915. What?
Copy !req
916. Hi. Welcome to Mooby's
by the moonlight.
Copy !req
917. - Six cow tippers, please.
- We're vegan, bro.
Copy !req
918. I mean one cow tipper,
five milks.
Copy !req
919. We're vegan, bro.
Copy !req
920. Jesus, man,
just give me something
Copy !req
921. with no meat, please, fuck!
Copy !req
922. Can you stop being
so fucking creepy?
Copy !req
923. Hey, Underhill,
Copy !req
924. how about a little respect
for our guest of honor?
Copy !req
925. Shan Yu is the reason we're
doing all this, Mr. Underhill.
Copy !req
926. What? Operation Predator Editor?
Copy !req
927. No, jackass,
that mission's over.
Copy !req
928. We're onto the next mission.
Copy !req
929. Oh, let me see.
Copy !req
930. - Uh, no.
- You know what,
Copy !req
931. you're pretty ungrateful
for someone who needed my help.
Copy !req
932. Needed your help?
Copy !req
933. I'm sorry,
did you seriously think
Copy !req
934. we were just hoping
for two old men to drop in
Copy !req
935. and ferry us to Hollywood?
Copy !req
936. No, we were gonna take my mom's
car the second she left.
Copy !req
937. We've been planning this mission
for months, bro.
Copy !req
938. Holy shit,
Copy !req
939. you girls are international
diamond thieves, aren't youse?
Copy !req
940. I'm sorry, uh, diamond thieves?
Copy !req
941. Yeah. When I met your mom,
Copy !req
942. she told me her and her friends
were animal rights activists
Copy !req
943. and then they wound up being
international diamond thieves
Copy !req
944. who wore cat suits
under their clothes.
Copy !req
945. Any one of you girls wearing
cat suits under your clothes?
Copy !req
946. Um, okay. I don't know
anything about that,
Copy !req
947. but I do know that I'm
nothing like my mother.
Copy !req
948. Holy shit, yes, you are.
You're like a rebooted Justice.
Copy !req
949. I believe
he means to say remake.
Copy !req
950. No, I mean to say reboot,
all right?
Copy !req
951. Someone took all the things
I like about your mom,
Copy !req
952. changed them just enough to make
me pay for them all over again,
Copy !req
953. and added youth
and diversity to it.
Copy !req
954. So this van is not moving
until you tell me
Copy !req
955. why you wanna go to Hollywood
so bad.
Copy !req
956. Fine.
Copy !req
957. Shan Yu only has a week left
on her visa
Copy !req
958. before her mom takes her back
to China forever.
Copy !req
959. - So?
- So, you genital cuff...
Copy !req
960. her favorite thing in the world
Copy !req
961. is that old Bluntman and Chronic
movie.
Copy !req
962. Bluntman.
Copy !req
963. And for years now,
Copy !req
964. she's been wanting to go
to Chronic-Con.
Copy !req
965. So that's why this mission
is so important.
Copy !req
966. Important enough
for a straight A student
Copy !req
967. to get in a shitload of trouble
and blow up her future?
Copy !req
968. God, you sound like my mother.
Copy !req
969. Maybe that's because I'm...
Copy !req
970. Maybe that's because I think
your mom's right, okay?
Copy !req
971. I've done a bunch of stupid shit
when I was younger,
Copy !req
972. but I did it with Si...
Mr. Taint here.
Copy !req
973. Not with a bunch of people
I don't know.
Copy !req
974. - Oh, I know these girls.
- How?
Copy !req
975. How did you meet a deaf girl,
Copy !req
976. a Muslim who's brother
tried to kill her,
Copy !req
977. and a Chinese girl that I don't
even know where she's from,
Copy !req
978. but she's suspect.
Copy !req
979. And you're the only normal one
of the bunch.
Copy !req
980. Fuck you, you don't know me.
Copy !req
981. Uh, I've seen your life, kid,
Copy !req
982. you got two moms who love you
and you grew up in a big house,
Copy !req
983. you're not fucked up
like these girls.
Copy !req
984. I only know these girls because
I'm fucked up just like them.
Copy !req
985. How? How are you fucked up?
Copy !req
986. We met
in an online support group.
Copy !req
987. For what?
Copy !req
988. For girls who have
never met their fathers.
Copy !req
989. We don't know who our dads are.
Copy !req
990. They all left
before we were born.
Copy !req
991. You know... You know what, well,
fuck that, all right?
Copy !req
992. You don't need a father,
I didn't grow up with a dad
Copy !req
993. - and look, I turned out okay.
- No, you didn't.
Copy !req
994. And if you never really had
a dad then you would know
Copy !req
995. that there is no such thing
as okay...
Copy !req
996. ever...
Copy !req
997. because you will always
be haunted by a question
Copy !req
998. that you can't answer.
Copy !req
999. Why didn't you love me enough
to stick around?
Copy !req
1000. Well, I knew your dad
a little bit
Copy !req
1001. and, you know what,
you're better off without him.
Copy !req
1002. Guy's a piece of shit.
Copy !req
1003. Holy shit,
someone's on the roof.
Copy !req
1004. Merkin, what the fuck
are you doing?
Copy !req
1005. Hater Totz filled with hate!
Copy !req
1006. Hate!
Copy !req
1007. Hate!
Copy !req
1008. You got me arrested
with your grass, man.
Copy !req
1009. And you gave me zero tip,
Copy !req
1010. leave me these horrible reviews.
What is this?
Copy !req
1011. "Fuck your frozen food dreams."
That is personal and mean.
Copy !req
1012. To me! "Do you even know
what a merkin is?"
Copy !req
1013. Very funny, yes, I do.
It's a pube toupee.
Copy !req
1014. "Sit on some bald dick."
Who wrote that?
Copy !req
1015. Who's the fucker
who wrote that?
Copy !req
1016. Do you think that's funny?
I am done losing at life.
Copy !req
1017. Fuck you guys, the two of you.
No one is gonna make
Copy !req
1018. Todd Merkinsky look like
an asshole ever again!
Copy !req
1019. Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep,
sleep, sleep, sleep...
Copy !req
1020. Hey!
Copy !req
1021. We got a runner,
we got a runner!
Copy !req
1022. Phase four, ditch old gay guys.
What the fuck?
Copy !req
1023. We should still steal
Merkin's car.
Copy !req
1024. We've been driving around
for hours, Silent Bob.
Copy !req
1025. Where the fuck did they go?
Copy !req
1026. Bro, are you serious?
You can't take a shit now.
Copy !req
1027. We have to find the girls.
Copy !req
1028. We need a fucking light.
Copy !req
1029. Oh, man, it's the fucking Klan!
Copy !req
1030. Dude, they ruin everything.
You distract these racist fucks,
Copy !req
1031. while I hotbox them
with some berserker.
Copy !req
1032. Peekaboo!
Copy !req
1033. We always have
a good time with that, don't we?
Copy !req
1034. Speaking of good times,
Copy !req
1035. if you stick around
till the end,
Copy !req
1036. we're gonna be
serving Hater Totz!
Copy !req
1037. - Yeah!
- Yeah!
Copy !req
1038. Hater Totz! Who doesn't love
Hater Totz? All right. Okay.
Copy !req
1039. Look what we found trespassing
in our backyard.
Copy !req
1040. And you know what happens
to trespassers, right?
Copy !req
1041. Can you dig it?
Copy !req
1042. Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
1043. - Can you dig it?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1044. Can you dig it?
Copy !req
1045. Yeah!
Copy !req
1046. I'm digging it.
Copy !req
1047. Let me have your attention
for a moment.
Copy !req
1048. You're talking about what?
Copy !req
1049. You're talking about...
You're bitching about what?
Copy !req
1050. - Are they all here?
- Hey!
Copy !req
1051. - Who the fuck are you?
- I'm going anyway.
Copy !req
1052. Let's talk about
something important.
Copy !req
1053. Put that pitchfork down.
Copy !req
1054. Pitchforks are
for Klansmen only.
Copy !req
1055. Where the fuck
did you come from?
Copy !req
1056. I come from downtown.
Copy !req
1057. I'm here for Mitch and Murray.
Copy !req
1058. And I'm here
on a mission of mercy.
Copy !req
1059. - Your name's Legree?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1060. You call yourself a Klansman,
you son of a bitch?
Copy !req
1061. We don't got to listen
to this shit.
Copy !req
1062. You certainly don't, pal.
Copy !req
1063. Because the good news is,
you're fired.
Copy !req
1064. The bad news is you've got,
all you got, just one week
Copy !req
1065. to regain your jobs.
Starting with tonight.
Copy !req
1066. Starting with tonight's shit.
Copy !req
1067. Mister, what's your name?
Copy !req
1068. Fuck you, that's my name.
Copy !req
1069. A, B, D. A: Always, B: Be,
D: Ducking.
Copy !req
1070. Always Be Ducking.
Always Be ducking.
Copy !req
1071. All right, fuck face. I'll bite.
Ducking what?
Copy !req
1072. - Kill these racist fucks!
- Hold on!
Copy !req
1073. Now who's stupid,
you dirty sheepfucker?
Copy !req
1074. Who in the fuck
are Mitch and Murray?
Copy !req
1075. Holy shit. We made it.
Copy !req
1076. No, we made it.
Copy !req
1077. You slept.
Copy !req
1078. You know, I got to
thank you, Mr. Underhill.
Copy !req
1079. Not for just saving our asses
last night, but...
Copy !req
1080. for helping us get here.
Copy !req
1081. Technically,
you forced me to help.
Copy !req
1082. Yeah, but for a good cause.
Copy !req
1083. Well, if your dreams came true
it was all worth it.
Copy !req
1084. Uh, going to Chronic-Con
is Shan Yu's dream.
Copy !req
1085. My dream is a little tougher
to make happen.
Copy !req
1086. It's stupid, especially
because you said
Copy !req
1087. the guy's a piece of shit.
But, um...
Copy !req
1088. I've always dreamed
of meeting my dad.
Copy !req
1089. Just hanging out.
Copy !req
1090. Nothing monumental.
Copy !req
1091. Just drinking coffee together
or something, like...
Copy !req
1092. talk to me like he was my dad...
Copy !req
1093. teaching me dad stuff.
Copy !req
1094. That's really embarrassing.
It probably sounds like
Copy !req
1095. the dumbest thing anyone
has ever said out loud.
Copy !req
1096. Oh, I got something
that nobody knows.
Copy !req
1097. God looks exactly
like Alanis Morissette.
Copy !req
1098. I stand corrected.
Copy !req
1099. Why are you dressed like
all these people?
Copy !req
1100. All these people are dressed
like us.
Copy !req
1101. Happy Chronic-Con! Oh!
Copy !req
1102. Love the fucking cosplay,
you guys. Yes!
Copy !req
1103. Silent Jay, I dig it.
Copy !req
1104. Hello, everyone,
my name is Kuish.
Copy !req
1105. You little kids looking
to mainline some of that...
Copy !req
1106. That sweet ass, that bomb ass
dank Bluntman and Chronic merch?
Copy !req
1107. Because we got Bluntman
and Chronic Funko Pops.
Copy !req
1108. We got Bluntman and Chronic
action figures.
Copy !req
1109. Did your mommy or daddy
just die?
Copy !req
1110. We got a Bluntman
and Chronic urn.
Copy !req
1111. Smoke 'em up, put them in.
Copy !req
1112. Or check this out, go ahead
and show your pride
Copy !req
1113. with our exclusive
and inclusive
Copy !req
1114. B and C LGBTQ...
Copy !req
1115. tee. Check it out.
Copy !req
1116. Good day. Chris Hemsworth
and, uh, I've been paid to...
Copy !req
1117. To welcome you to the tenth
Annual Hollywood Chronic-Con.
Copy !req
1118. Yay. Welcome.
Uh, now, full disclosure.
Copy !req
1119. I'm not the real
Chris Hemsworth.
Copy !req
1120. I'm only a hologram,
as you can see.
Copy !req
1121. So, uh,
feel free to take selfies
Copy !req
1122. with my holographic image.
Um, but, please,
Copy !req
1123. and I can't even believe I have
to fucking say this,
Copy !req
1124. but please do not
hump the hologram.
Copy !req
1125. All right? Or you'll burn
your dick off or whatever it is
Copy !req
1126. that you're thrusting
into the hologram.
Copy !req
1127. So don't do it. Do not fellate
the hologram either, you know?
Copy !req
1128. You might burn
your mouth off.
Copy !req
1129. And... And please don't record
yourself having conversations
Copy !req
1130. with the holographic version of
me as if you're talking to me
Copy !req
1131. saying things like,
"Oh, I'm gonna...
Copy !req
1132. I'm gonna hump you
until you're Thor." You know?
Copy !req
1133. Only my wife is allowed to
objectify me like that.
Copy !req
1134. And I have no choice in that.
But I have a choice in this.
Copy !req
1135. So don't do it.
Copy !req
1136. Now, if you're looking for
Copy !req
1137. all the big celebrity
guest panels, go left.
Copy !req
1138. Uh, if you wanna be an extra
Copy !req
1139. in the new Bluntman movie,
go right.
Copy !req
1140. But whichever way you go,
uh, hope you have fun
Copy !req
1141. at this year's Chronic-Con.
Because you're Hems-worth it.
Copy !req
1142. Trademark, Chris Hemsworth.
Copy !req
1143. Oh. We came a long way.
Copy !req
1144. Let's do this.
Copy !req
1145. Yo!
Copy !req
1146. Where the fuck are you going?
Copy !req
1147. Uh, we came to Hollywood
so Shan Yu could be an extra
Copy !req
1148. in that stupid Bluntman reboot.
And that is this way.
Copy !req
1149. And we came to Hollywood
Copy !req
1150. to stop this stupid reboot
from happening.
Copy !req
1151. And all the famous people
are this way.
Copy !req
1152. Stop the reboot? Why?
Copy !req
1153. It's a long story,
but it ends with us
Copy !req
1154. kicking the shit
out of Kevin James.
Copy !req
1155. Fuck Kevin James.
Kevin can wait.
Copy !req
1156. What we're doing
is really important.
Copy !req
1157. Uh, us stopping the movie
is the most important thing
Copy !req
1158. we're ever gonna do... again.
Copy !req
1159. Look, I have risked everything
to come here...
Copy !req
1160. but it will be all be worth it
Copy !req
1161. if Shan Yu can be
in that reboot.
Copy !req
1162. So I guess...
Copy !req
1163. I guess this is goodbye.
Copy !req
1164. No. Wait a... Wait a minute.
Copy !req
1165. This, um...
Copy !req
1166. This is my legacy right here,
it's the last one
Copy !req
1167. in the whole world...
Copy !req
1168. and I want you to have it
to remember me by.
Copy !req
1169. But when you smoke it
Copy !req
1170. you're not gonna
remember shit, so...
Copy !req
1171. save it for a special occasion.
Copy !req
1172. Um...
Copy !req
1173. I don't know a lot of stuff,
okay? But...
Copy !req
1174. I do know this...
Copy !req
1175. you're a great fucking kid
and some asshole
Copy !req
1176. really missed out
on being your dad.
Copy !req
1177. Thanks.
Copy !req
1178. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Copy !req
1179. Where are your badges?
Copy !req
1180. Nobody gets in, as the French
say... sans badge.
Copy !req
1181. Come on, you security dick,
what's the big deal anyway?
Copy !req
1182. Security dick?
Copy !req
1183. The big deal is we got America's
most precious resources
Copy !req
1184. behind these doors.
Copy !req
1185. Actors, actresses, directors,
podcasters,
Copy !req
1186. they make us laugh,
they make us cry,
Copy !req
1187. they show us ourselves.
Copy !req
1188. And it's my job
not only to keep them safe
Copy !req
1189. from their greasiest
nut bar fans
Copy !req
1190. with the hammers of justice,
Copy !req
1191. but also to meet every one
Copy !req
1192. of their
borderline infantile needs.
Copy !req
1193. Hey, security dick.
Copy !req
1194. Oh.
Copy !req
1195. Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's
Dead's Keith Coogan.
Copy !req
1196. It's just Keith.
Copy !req
1197. Thanks,
that's really hard to say.
Copy !req
1198. The candy buffet ran out
of Swedish Fish.
Copy !req
1199. So I guess...
Copy !req
1200. wait for it.
Copy !req
1201. The fishes are done, man.
Copy !req
1202. - Right?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1203. Hilarious.
Copy !req
1204. I have a question for the real
Jay and Silent Bob.
Copy !req
1205. All right,
this reboot is bullshit.
Copy !req
1206. Bullshit, what do you guys
think about this reboot?
Copy !req
1207. I got... I got this one.
Copy !req
1208. Yeah, um, it sucks.
Copy !req
1209. There, I said it.
Are you happy now, TMZ?
Copy !req
1210. Dude, TMZ's not even here.
Copy !req
1211. And who's directing this shit
anyway, Kevin fucking Smith?
Copy !req
1212. Are you fucking kidding me?
This movie is doomed.
Copy !req
1213. It is... I was in Jersey Girl,
okay,
Copy !req
1214. - destroyed my career.
- Yup.
Copy !req
1215. Bluntman and Chronic
was a cult classic, okay,
Copy !req
1216. it doesn't need
a Kevin Smith remake.
Copy !req
1217. Reboot.
Copy !req
1218. How are you not pissed off, huh?
Copy !req
1219. Kevin Smith
is literally shitting
Copy !req
1220. in the mouth
of the original movie.
Copy !req
1221. I think the movie
is gonna be great.
Copy !req
1222. Why are you sucking
the reboot's dick?
Copy !req
1223. They're not gonna put you in it,
all right.
Copy !req
1224. They're never gonna call you,
Diplo.
Copy !req
1225. - Listen, buttfucker.
- Van Der Bitch.
Copy !req
1226. Ooh, he called him
Van Der Bitch.
Copy !req
1227. Interlopers.
Copy !req
1228. Shit!
Copy !req
1229. Of all said words, with tongue
or pen, the saddest of these,
Copy !req
1230. they cancelled
Comic Book Men.
Copy !req
1231. Look at these
morose motherfuckers right here.
Copy !req
1232. Smells like somebody shit
in their cereal. Bong.
Copy !req
1233. Holy fuck,
Copy !req
1234. they got you mixed
up in this reboot shit, too?
Copy !req
1235. You sound like my agent.
Copy !req
1236. What are you two dirt merchants
doing in this neck of Hollywood?
Copy !req
1237. Oh, I'll tell you what our necks
are doing in Holly's wood.
Copy !req
1238. We're here to stop that
fuckin' reboot from happening,
Copy !req
1239. so take us to Kevin James.
Copy !req
1240. First of all, hi.
Copy !req
1241. Nice to see you.
Copy !req
1242. Been years, oh.
Copy !req
1243. Nice to see you.
Copy !req
1244. Good to see that one of you
at least is taking his age
Copy !req
1245. and his health seriously.
Copy !req
1246. Hey, what's with all the wires?
Copy !req
1247. Are you trying
to destroy the stage?
Copy !req
1248. Oh, just finished recording
a live episode of my podcast.
Copy !req
1249. Holy fuck,
you got a podcast, too?
Copy !req
1250. Is it to contextualize life
in America
Copy !req
1251. - for your audience in China?
- What?
Copy !req
1252. No, I interview people
in the funny book biz.
Copy !req
1253. Since this is my first
Chronic-Con as guest of honor,
Copy !req
1254. it's time I got someone else
to interview me.
Copy !req
1255. Who? Banky fucking Edwards?
Copy !req
1256. Not Banky fucking Edwards.
Copy !req
1257. Alyssa fucking Jones.
Copy !req
1258. It's fucking Finger-Cuffs.
Copy !req
1259. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1260. Wait, what's so funny?
Copy !req
1261. Remember Chasing Amy,
the classy book I did
Copy !req
1262. after Bluntman and Chronic that
won me all the awards?
Copy !req
1263. Anyway, Alyssa's turning that
book into a series for Netflix.
Copy !req
1264. It was always a story that
should have been told
Copy !req
1265. from a queer perspective
or a woman's perspective
Copy !req
1266. or any perspective other than
a cis white man's.
Copy !req
1267. Anyway we're laughing
because Netflix wants
Copy !req
1268. an edgier title
than Chasing Amy,
Copy !req
1269. one of their suggestions
was Finger-Cuffs.
Copy !req
1270. You should text them a picture
Copy !req
1271. of these two juggle heads,
and say they love your title.
Copy !req
1272. Who are they? Harold and Kumar?
Copy !req
1273. What? No. This is the actual
Jay and Silent Bob.
Copy !req
1274. - What?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1275. Me and Banky used to buy weed
off these guys at Quik Stop.
Copy !req
1276. That's where I got the idea
for Bluntman and Chronic.
Copy !req
1277. Then the quiet one gave me
the title idea for Chasing Amy.
Copy !req
1278. Come to think of it,
you motherfuckers
Copy !req
1279. pay off like slot machines.
Copy !req
1280. Save some new shit for me
to steal.
Copy !req
1281. There you are.
Copy !req
1282. - Hey, hon.
- Hey.
Copy !req
1283. - Hey, Holden. Great panel.
- Hey.
Copy !req
1284. Um, she's looking for you,
again.
Copy !req
1285. - Already?
- Yes.
Copy !req
1286. - I'm off to release the Kraken.
- Sorry.
Copy !req
1287. "Release the Kraken,"
what is that,
Copy !req
1288. a sex thing
between married people?
Copy !req
1289. Are you even remotely familiar
with the story of Chasing Amy?
Copy !req
1290. You're in it. I know it's a lot
of words, but fuck.
Copy !req
1291. No, she's gay, bro.
Copy !req
1292. Okay, obviously
Alyssa and I aren't married,
Copy !req
1293. married people don't like
each other. We're co-parents.
Copy !req
1294. - Wait a second, you have a kid?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1295. Alyssa and her partner wanted
to have a baby
Copy !req
1296. and since we've known each other
and, more importantly,
Copy !req
1297. liked each other for 20 years,
they asked me to be the father.
Copy !req
1298. Yes, you got to hit
that shit again, son?
Copy !req
1299. I can see you've matured well.
Copy !req
1300. No, I got to hit
the doctor's office
Copy !req
1301. where I filled a cup.
Copy !req
1302. We went in-vitro. Science, bro.
Copy !req
1303. You know, a year later I met
a girl who loves me.
Copy !req
1304. Who loves me.
Copy !req
1305. She wants to know
who Daddy's talking to.
Copy !req
1306. Hi, little pink sugar heart.
Copy !req
1307. Say hi to Daddy's friends.
Copy !req
1308. Daddy's known these boys
since he was little.
Copy !req
1309. Boys,
this is our daughter, Amy.
Copy !req
1310. Dude, just like that story
you tell.
Copy !req
1311. Say hello to Jay and Silent Bob.
Copy !req
1312. Hi, Jay and Silent Bob.
Copy !req
1313. Hi.
Copy !req
1314. Whoop.
Copy !req
1315. So you got her?
We're gonna go grab a smoke
Copy !req
1316. and check out the cosplay.
Copy !req
1317. Okay. Have fun,
thanks for the interview.
Copy !req
1318. So what do you think, kiddo?
Copy !req
1319. Do you like
these stinky old fools?
Copy !req
1320. Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
1321. Dude, how did something
so amazing
Copy !req
1322. come from your funny book
making balls?
Copy !req
1323. Well, it's a mystery to me,
too, G.
Copy !req
1324. I'm a huge fan of the kid.
Copy !req
1325. Bluntman's getting a reboot,
Netflix is making Amy.
Copy !req
1326. People hate the present so much,
Copy !req
1327. it's like they wanna
retreat into the past.
Copy !req
1328. All of a sudden
all my old bullshit is back.
Copy !req
1329. And some of that old bullshit
meant the world to me
Copy !req
1330. when I was starting out.
Copy !req
1331. But now that all my
childhood dreams
Copy !req
1332. are starting to come true,
Copy !req
1333. I mean, it's nice,
don't get me wrong...
Copy !req
1334. that kid is just
way more interesting to me.
Copy !req
1335. I used to think life
was all about me,
Copy !req
1336. I was the hero of my own story.
Copy !req
1337. A Bruce Wayne
of one life-long issue
Copy !req
1338. of Detective Comics,
so to speak.
Copy !req
1339. And then that kid came along
and suddenly you realize...
Copy !req
1340. you're not Bruce Wayne anymore.
Copy !req
1341. You're Thomas Wayne
Copy !req
1342. or Bruce Wayne's mom,
whose name escapes me.
Copy !req
1343. Anyway, I'm just here to set
the real story in motion.
Copy !req
1344. Because once you become
a parent,
Copy !req
1345. you're not the star anymore.
You're the stage.
Copy !req
1346. I'm just here to prop up
my kid so she can put on
Copy !req
1347. the show of her life,
like my parents did for me,
Copy !req
1348. like theirs did before them.
Copy !req
1349. And if you're lucky enough
to have a kid,
Copy !req
1350. the tradeoff is you don't really
get a third act to your story,
Copy !req
1351. because the story changes.
Copy !req
1352. All of a sudden
it's not about you anymore...
Copy !req
1353. for the first time
in your self-involved life...
Copy !req
1354. that's okay.
Copy !req
1355. Kids are like our reboots,
Copy !req
1356. another chance to tell
a brand-new version
Copy !req
1357. of the same old story.
Copy !req
1358. I know I'm supposed to be
teaching Amy stuff,
Copy !req
1359. but it's like I'm learning
from her every day.
Copy !req
1360. So, spend my days chasing Amy...
Copy !req
1361. so to speak.
Copy !req
1362. Look. I know I dragged us all
the way to Hollywood
Copy !req
1363. to stop this fucking reboot
from happening,
Copy !req
1364. but I haven't been there
for Milly
Copy !req
1365. her whole fucking life,
Silent Bob.
Copy !req
1366. Sorry. Who's Milly?
Copy !req
1367. And we came
to get our names back,
Copy !req
1368. but I have a new fucking name,
Silent Bob,
Copy !req
1369. and it's fucking Dad, okay?
Copy !req
1370. And that will be the only name
I ever need again.
Copy !req
1371. Yo, Bluntboy, you think you can
get us in the reboot shoot
Copy !req
1372. in the ballroom?
Copy !req
1373. I'm guest of honor, bro.
Copy !req
1374. Thanks, bro.
Copy !req
1375. - They're gone, girl.
- Where?
Copy !req
1376. They're on the town.
It's just us.
Copy !req
1377. We're the Just Us League.
Copy !req
1378. What are you looking at me
like that for?
Copy !req
1379. You're like,
"Oh, go fuck yourself."
Copy !req
1380. Okay, Shan Yu. This is it.
Copy !req
1381. Your dream
is about to come true.
Copy !req
1382. VIP, out of the way,
out of the way.
Copy !req
1383. Watch your beard, man.
Copy !req
1384. Okay, everybody.
Everybody, listen up.
Copy !req
1385. We can't take any more extras.
Copy !req
1386. Get out of here.
Copy !req
1387. Uh, no. We're... We're next.
Copy !req
1388. You... No, you're not. Okay?
Sign in is done.
Copy !req
1389. Well, I'm not done,
motherfucker.
Copy !req
1390. Did you not hear that?
Get out of here.
Copy !req
1391. I'm done today
and you're done today.
Copy !req
1392. Yo.
Copy !req
1393. If we can't stop this reboot,
Copy !req
1394. we might as well
watch this reboot.
Copy !req
1395. Get your VIP badges
right here.
Copy !req
1396. One, two, three, four...
Copy !req
1397. I've never been on a movie set
before.
Copy !req
1398. Oh, we have. And movie people
are dicks, especially directors.
Copy !req
1399. Ladies and gentlemen,
Copy !req
1400. the director of
Bluntman v Chronic, Kevin Smith.
Copy !req
1401. Hey!
Copy !req
1402. Oh, my God, man. Thank you
for fucking being here.
Copy !req
1403. Number one, happy Chronic-Con,
everybody.
Copy !req
1404. I don't know
if anybody knows this,
Copy !req
1405. but last year,
I had a heart attack.
Copy !req
1406. So, what I did
was cast the movie
Copy !req
1407. with a bunch of people
who were sad that I almost died.
Copy !req
1408. I guilted the cast...
Copy !req
1409. into joining the movie. So,
you know, SAG should give us
Copy !req
1410. award for the guiltiest fucking
cast, man.
Copy !req
1411. I hate this guy.
Copy !req
1412. He forces his kid
to be in everything he makes.
Copy !req
1413. Right now it's just an idea
in your heads,
Copy !req
1414. "Ooh, what can this movie be?"
Copy !req
1415. Fuck ideas. I'm from Hollywood.
That's what we say and shit.
Copy !req
1416. So, what I'm gonna do,
Copy !req
1417. we're gonna show you
an actual clip from the movie,
Copy !req
1418. Bluntman v Chronic
right now, man.
Copy !req
1419. Ladies and gentlemen,
Bluntman v Chronic.
Copy !req
1420. Check this shit out.
Copy !req
1421. Woo!
Copy !req
1422. Bluntman!
Copy !req
1423. Holy fuck.
Copy !req
1424. Oh, you're mad at me?
Copy !req
1425. Lemme be blunt, man.
Copy !req
1426. I liked you better when you were
silent, Bob.
Copy !req
1427. If you really wanna V,
I'm ready to blast your ass
Copy !req
1428. and kick you in the hater tots.
Copy !req
1429. Merkin was right, dude.
"Hater Totz" does mean
Copy !req
1430. different things
to different people.
Copy !req
1431. Oh, indica. You son of a bitch.
Copy !req
1432. Smells like this reboot
went up in smoke.
Copy !req
1433. - Alfred.
- Hi, man.
Copy !req
1434. Sorry to How High, dude,
Copy !req
1435. but this is now
the greatest movie ever made.
Copy !req
1436. When you said you wanted to V,
you meant vaping?
Copy !req
1437. I thought the V was for versus.
Copy !req
1438. - Stoners don't fight, man.
- No.
Copy !req
1439. 'Cause when you're baked,
Copy !req
1440. you finally see all
the important details, you know?
Copy !req
1441. You know what
I never noticed before?
Copy !req
1442. This place is, like...
It's huge.
Copy !req
1443. But, like, size is, like,
relative, man, you know.
Copy !req
1444. You know, it's like little dogs.
Copy !req
1445. They don't know they're little.
Copy !req
1446. That's why they always start
shit with big dogs.
Copy !req
1447. They don't get size, man.
Copy !req
1448. Yeah. You know what else
they don't get? Money.
Copy !req
1449. Try explaining money to a dog.
Copy !req
1450. I have. It just looked
at me like, "Oh?"
Copy !req
1451. I gave a dog a 20-dollar bill
once, man. It didn't work out.
Copy !req
1452. Hey, is this one of those
comic book movies, man?
Copy !req
1453. Oh, am I in Black Panther?
Copy !req
1454. Oh, fuck.
Copy !req
1455. Genius!
Copy !req
1456. Wow fucking wow.
Copy !req
1457. Give that man an Oscar.
Copy !req
1458. And that's just a taste,
ladies and gentlemen.
Copy !req
1459. That's a soupçon.
Copy !req
1460. Okay, the scene that
we're gonna shoot here today,
Copy !req
1461. right now, is the invasion
of Chronic-Con, man.
Copy !req
1462. So, give it up
for the contemptible
Copy !req
1463. Cock Knocker Cockmandos,
ladies and gentlemen.
Copy !req
1464. Look at that shit.
We spent so much money
Copy !req
1465. on those costumes
it's fucking crazy.
Copy !req
1466. So, the cast is fucking huge.
Copy !req
1467. I'm still thinking about
putting my friend,
Copy !req
1468. Jason Mewes, in it and shit.
Copy !req
1469. And the jury is out
on whether I put my kid in it.
Copy !req
1470. She's an actress now.
Copy !req
1471. But I don't believe in nepotism
so I might leave her out of it.
Copy !req
1472. Man, she can earn her own
fucking keep in Hollywood.
Copy !req
1473. - Just so I can...
- What the fuck are you doing?
Copy !req
1474. He kind of looks like
the director.
Copy !req
1475. is gonna be
in the actual picture.
Copy !req
1476. My bad,
I forgot to say spoilers.
Copy !req
1477. No way, man.
That guy wears jorts.
Copy !req
1478. This guy would never wear jorts.
Copy !req
1479. - What the fuck are jorts?
- Jean shorts.
Copy !req
1480. That was our goal...
Copy !req
1481. You stay here.
Wait for my signal.
Copy !req
1482. That's possible.
Copy !req
1483. You, come with me.
Copy !req
1484. with the walrus movie,
Copy !req
1485. but look at that.
Before we get started,
Copy !req
1486. I have to go backstage
Copy !req
1487. and take care
of some very important
Copy !req
1488. director-type things.
Copy !req
1489. But as soon as I get back, man,
Copy !req
1490. we're gonna make some
movie magic together,
Copy !req
1491. ladies and gentlemen.
Yes, movie magic!
Copy !req
1492. Where is my smoking jacket?
Copy !req
1493. Did you see that crowd
out there, Mike?
Copy !req
1494. Fuck, man. We're back, bitch.
Fuck Cop Out.
Copy !req
1495. Thank you, my friend.
Copy !req
1496. Mm, life is good.
Copy !req
1497. Life is good and I'm now alone
and finally...
Copy !req
1498. Mm.
Copy !req
1499. Hey!
Copy !req
1500. Sleep, sleep, sleep.
Copy !req
1501. Where's this signal at?
Copy !req
1502. I need to talk to him.
Copy !req
1503. - He is occupied.
- Who are you?
Copy !req
1504. He told me to tell you...
Copy !req
1505. He told you what?
Copy !req
1506. - Those girls and that old man.
- He told you?
Copy !req
1507. So...
Copy !req
1508. the director stopped
speaking to me. Yeah.
Copy !req
1509. I'm the first AD.
Copy !req
1510. Right, so this whole thing
has gone off the rails.
Copy !req
1511. This is a shitshow, worse
than House Party 4.
Copy !req
1512. Trust me when I say that.
Copy !req
1513. But he told some little girl
who I've never met before
Copy !req
1514. to tell me to tell you that he
would like all of you diverse
Copy !req
1515. and interesting young children
to get on stage with him today
Copy !req
1516. and do this scene.
Copy !req
1517. Hello, everybody.
Copy !req
1518. I'm here because Kevin Smith
lost his voice.
Copy !req
1519. Oh. But he asked me to tell you
to welcome to the stage
Copy !req
1520. all the way from China,
Bluntman superfan, Shan Yu.
Copy !req
1521. Woo!
Copy !req
1522. Come on. Come on.
Copy !req
1523. Oh, holy shit. That girl just
pulled a gun on Kevin Smith.
Copy !req
1524. 'Cause she probably paid to see
Yoga Hosers.
Copy !req
1525. That's not Kevin Smith.
Copy !req
1526. Fist him.
Copy !req
1527. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1528. The guy that's not Kevin Smith
just got fisted.
Copy !req
1529. And he didn't even use
lubricant.
Copy !req
1530. Throw that trash
into the garbage.
Copy !req
1531. Commence collusion.
Copy !req
1532. So the fake Cock Knockers
are the real bad guys.
Copy !req
1533. Fuck, this movie's hard
to keep straight.
Copy !req
1534. What are you doing, Shan Yu?
Copy !req
1535. Is it not as clear as vodka?
Copy !req
1536. I'm not teenager from China.
Copy !req
1537. I am secret agent from Russia.
Copy !req
1538. One of them was wearing
a cat suit, I fucking knew it.
Copy !req
1539. He smells American too.
Copy !req
1540. Russia's infiltrated
American banks,
Copy !req
1541. we have infiltrated
American elections,
Copy !req
1542. and now, thanks to you...
Copy !req
1543. we infiltrate American
pop culture conventions.
Copy !req
1544. Why?
Copy !req
1545. Take out your mobile devices
Copy !req
1546. and broadcast
this historic moment
Copy !req
1547. to the rest of the world.
Copy !req
1548. What if
you only have a flip phone?
Copy !req
1549. People of America...
Copy !req
1550. I come in peace,
but director of Jersey Girl...
Copy !req
1551. Holy fuck!
Copy !req
1552. Ow.
Copy !req
1553. He will soon go to pieces when
I execute him live on internet.
Copy !req
1554. Is this because
I'm a proud jorts wearer?
Copy !req
1555. This because
you're standard issue,
Copy !req
1556. overrated American pop culture
celebrity
Copy !req
1557. who repeats himself
artistically,
Copy !req
1558. if what you do
can even be called art,
Copy !req
1559. and clings desperately
to past glory of 1990s.
Copy !req
1560. You've been talking to my wife.
Copy !req
1561. I'm not gonna let you do this,
Shan Yu.
Copy !req
1562. But you helped me do this,
Millennium.
Copy !req
1563. I catfish you and your friends
Copy !req
1564. so I can harness
the liberal sympathies
Copy !req
1565. of broken young women
Copy !req
1566. who hoped to fill the deep
emotional void left by...
Copy !req
1567. a sibling who tries
to kill you...
Copy !req
1568. or the solitude of silence...
Copy !req
1569. or worsen your privileged life
crying about the father
Copy !req
1570. who left you
before you were even born.
Copy !req
1571. Ooh, sick fucking burn, man.
I'll shut up.
Copy !req
1572. Maybe her dad didn't leave her.
Copy !req
1573. What he say?
Copy !req
1574. Maybe her dad didn't even know
Copy !req
1575. he had a kid
until the other day.
Copy !req
1576. What are you saying?
Copy !req
1577. Jesus,
for a private school girl,
Copy !req
1578. you're pretty fucking stupid.
I'm your father.
Copy !req
1579. Oh, God. Wait.
Copy !req
1580. - No way. No... No fucking way.
- Yes fucking way.
Copy !req
1581. But I only found out the day
we came to Chicago
Copy !req
1582. and I wanted to tell you
the whole trip,
Copy !req
1583. but I promised your mom
I wouldn't.
Copy !req
1584. But I'm telling you now,
because, sometimes,
Copy !req
1585. breaking a promise is the right
fucking thing to do, all right?
Copy !req
1586. Because if I kept every promise
I ever made,
Copy !req
1587. you wouldn't be here,
Copy !req
1588. because this one time,
Copy !req
1589. I made a promise to your mom
that I wouldn't cum in her.
Copy !req
1590. - What the fuck, man!
- Look, I'm sorry, all right?
Copy !req
1591. I was only stalling
so I could get closer
Copy !req
1592. to the guy with the big-ass gun,
now!
Copy !req
1593. Yes!
Copy !req
1594. This fucker's fake, dude.
Copy !req
1595. Why would it be real?
Copy !req
1596. No!
Copy !req
1597. Don't any of you
cosplaying cocks have some
Copy !req
1598. - real fucking guns? What the...
- I sees him...
Copy !req
1599. - Let him go!
- Nyet.
Copy !req
1600. Before we execute Kevin Smith...
Copy !req
1601. Fuck.
Copy !req
1602. first, we execute
this old degenerate.
Copy !req
1603. - No!
- Old? Man, fuck you!
Copy !req
1604. I give big daddy a moment
to offer his newfound daughter
Copy !req
1605. any last heartfelt words
before we stop his heart.
Copy !req
1606. Kid, I'm okay with dying
right now,
Copy !req
1607. because I know a small piece
of me is gonna live on in you.
Copy !req
1608. Not if they fucking kill me too,
you idiot.
Copy !req
1609. Holy shit, you're right.
Somebody save me!
Copy !req
1610. What was that?
Copy !req
1611. Ooh, you made him mad,
he's mad now!
Copy !req
1612. - What is that, Ted Underhill?
- I am not Ted Underhill.
Copy !req
1613. Oh, fuck.
He's got a secret identity.
Copy !req
1614. Allow me to introduce myself.
Copy !req
1615. I'm Jay...
Copy !req
1616. and this is
my hetero-lifemate...
Copy !req
1617. Iron Bob!
Copy !req
1618. It's Robert Downey, Jr.
Copy !req
1619. - What?
- Oh, Marvel gonna sue somebody.
Copy !req
1620. Shoot the tin man.
Copy !req
1621. Shoot! keep shooting!
Copy !req
1622. Dasvidaniya!
Copy !req
1623. Yeah, Iron Bob!
Copy !req
1624. For Mother Russia! Ow!
Copy !req
1625. We know that guy.
Copy !req
1626. Holy fuck! I can't wait until
they make him a Funko Pop.
Copy !req
1627. Oh, my God, he just spoke
fucking Valyrian!
Copy !req
1628. I'll fuck anything that moves!
Copy !req
1629. Eject!
Copy !req
1630. Holy shit, this shit's
fucking bananas!
Copy !req
1631. Go! Hadouken!
Copy !req
1632. Man, I smell some
fucking good weed,
Copy !req
1633. that's some of that
dank-ass shit,
Copy !req
1634. knock a motherfucker out
just like that. Like I said...
Copy !req
1635. Oh, shit.
I've been drugged.
Copy !req
1636. That's strong shit.
Copy !req
1637. Hey, little girl.
Can I buy some weed from you?
Copy !req
1638. I'm busy.
Copy !req
1639. My precious podcasting ears!
Copy !req
1640. - Fuck!
- It hurts, Yes?
Copy !req
1641. That's because this is
not a podcast recording device.
Copy !req
1642. It is KGB sonic disrupter.
Copy !req
1643. You suck!
Copy !req
1644. Fuck, yeah!
Copy !req
1645. Let's get aggressive, girls.
Copy !req
1646. Fuck.
Copy !req
1647. That joint you gave me
really came in handy.
Copy !req
1648. Whatever you do, don't tell
your mom I gave you weed.
Copy !req
1649. Oh, my God, I fucking love
this reboot. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1650. All right.
Copy !req
1651. So right about now, man,
we finished up
Copy !req
1652. all three acts of the story,
all the main characters
Copy !req
1653. are where they need to be...
Copy !req
1654. all that's left is the emotional
denouement.
Copy !req
1655. In order to get there,
Copy !req
1656. maybe I'll start
a slow dissolve right about now.
Copy !req
1657. So now what do we do?
Copy !req
1658. I wanted to talk to you
about that.
Copy !req
1659. Um...
Copy !req
1660. I've never had a kid before.
Copy !req
1661. It's okay, I never had
a dad before.
Copy !req
1662. Yeah, but the thing is...
Copy !req
1663. Is I don't know if I'm ready
to be somebody's dad.
Copy !req
1664. Save it, old man. I...
I get it.
Copy !req
1665. Like I was saying,
Copy !req
1666. I don't know if I'm ready
to be somebody's dad,
Copy !req
1667. so I wanna practice.
Copy !req
1668. And so I figured, why not start
off with a dream I always had
Copy !req
1669. of drinking coffee with my kid
Copy !req
1670. and teaching her stuff
that she doesn't already know.
Copy !req
1671. Like dad stuff.
Copy !req
1672. Okay?
Copy !req
1673. Okay. I've hung out
in front of this store
Copy !req
1674. almost my whole life.
My advice, don't do that.
Copy !req
1675. Not for a while.
Copy !req
1676. First, find a best friend
Copy !req
1677. you can have
a whole lot of adventures with.
Copy !req
1678. But pick a good listener,
Copy !req
1679. someone that always
has your back
Copy !req
1680. even when he's standing
right next to you.
Copy !req
1681. But don't worry about fucking up
in life, okay?
Copy !req
1682. Silent Bob always says,
"Failure is success training."
Copy !req
1683. How come you aren't the most
successful man in the world?
Copy !req
1684. I am today.
Copy !req
1685. All right, enough of that
mushy stuff.
Copy !req
1686. Um, we have a whole lot
of catching up to do, kiddo.
Copy !req
1687. - Alright. You ready?
- Let's do it, Dad.
Copy !req
1688. Okay. So, one time me
and Silent Bob went
Copy !req
1689. to this mall, right? And then,
a couple of years later,
Copy !req
1690. we fought these renegade angels
and met God herself.
Copy !req
1691. And even though me
and Silent Bob saved the world,
Copy !req
1692. all these Catholics got
pissed off at us anyway.
Copy !req
1693. Fuck them if they can't take
a joke.
Copy !req
1694. Snoogans.
Copy !req
1695. Oh, my God, you're learning,
snooge.
Copy !req
1696. All right. Anyways,
after all that angel stuff,
Copy !req
1697. me and Silent Bob went
to Hollywood.
Copy !req
1698. That was the first time we went
to Hollywood
Copy !req
1699. where we met your mom
and a monkey named Suzanne.
Copy !req
1700. Yeah. She still sends us
Christmas cards every year.
Copy !req
1701. My mom?
Copy !req
1702. No, the monkey. Oh, and then
the Quik Stop burned down,
Copy !req
1703. which is right around the time
me and Silent Bob went to rehab.
Copy !req
1704. Why'd you guys go to rehab?
Copy !req
1705. We got caught driving around
with deployed airbags.
Copy !req
1706. Holy shit, dude. She uses Jaws
Copy !req
1707. as a unit of measurement,
just like us.
Copy !req
1708. Stars are similar to Jay
and Silent Bob,
Copy !req
1709. aren't they?
Copy !req
1710. Um, I love watching the...
The work, you go,
Copy !req
1711. "Oh, fuck, I stranded myself.
How do I not say 'us, '
Copy !req
1712. anything but 'us, ' if I say 'us'
they'll kill me."
Copy !req
1713. It's called
Jay and Silent Bob Reboot,
Copy !req
1714. and you're a huge character...
Copy !req
1715. - Wonderful.
- ... in the whole thing.
Copy !req
1716. - Oh, great, I can't wait.
- So, we're...
Copy !req
1717. I'm... I'm put... Doing it here,
Copy !req
1718. - so, you have to...
- Right.
Copy !req
1719. agree to do the movie.
Copy !req
1720. Can't we do a little of it now
and stop wasting time?
Copy !req
1721. - Go to that place.
- All right. Here we go.
Copy !req
1722. - Action.
- Action.
Copy !req
1723. Hey, fella...
Copy !req
1724. You already broke character,
Lee.
Copy !req
1725. What the hell?
We're burning film, man.
Copy !req
1726. Hey, fella.
Copy !req
1727. How do I get to...
Copy !req
1728. How do I get to Comic-Con?
Copy !req
1729. This is why I only cast you
in one movie,
Copy !req
1730. you can't get through a line
without laughing at me.
Copy !req
1731. No, but we got to be serious...
This is a serious thing.
Copy !req
1732. Here we go. And take two.
And action.
Copy !req
1733. Hey, fella.
How do I get to Comic-Con?
Copy !req
1734. - Well, then respond.
- Silent Bob.
Copy !req
1735. Oh, you don't talk?
Copy !req
1736. - That's the smart thing.
- Get the hell out of my scene
Copy !req
1737. and get me Jay.
Copy !req
1738. How High is our Bible, man.
Me and Silent Bob modeled
Copy !req
1739. our whole fucking lives
after Silas and Jamal.
Copy !req
1740. I'm a smooth pimp who loves
the pussy, and lean n mean here
Copy !req
1741. is my botanical BFF. What?
Ooh, popcorn playa.
Copy !req
1742. This affidavit is
from a Hollywood
Copy !req
1743. - motion picture company.
- Hollywood, Florida?
Copy !req
1744. Hollywood, California.
Copy !req
1745. Oh, that one?
Copy !req
1746. Two tickets to Hollywood.
Copy !req
1747. - Hollywood, Florida?
- No, Hollywood, California.
Copy !req
1748. Oh.
Copy !req
1749. Says here you're supposed to go
to Hollywood?
Copy !req
1750. You mean Hollywood, Florida?
Copy !req
1751. No. Hollywood, California.
Copy !req
1752. Jay and Silent Bob, uh, spent
so much time on themselves
Copy !req
1753. that they should pay us rent.
Copy !req
1754. I knew I'd get you.
Copy !req
1755. Why are you prosecuting?
You should be a stand-up.
Copy !req
1756. I have a show this weekend.
Copy !req
1757. - I'll definitely come out.
- Okay, great. I'm gonna...
Copy !req
1758. - I'll text you later.
- Can I object?
Copy !req
1759. Ooh, my daughter, Banner,
she's fighting with Renee
Copy !req
1760. and keeps sending
the most delicious texts.
Copy !req
1761. Listen. "Dear Sega Boy."
Snoogans.
Copy !req
1762. "How am I supposed to grow
as a woman when Mom is always
Copy !req
1763. standing on my fucking dick?"
Copy !req
1764. - Wait, your daughter has a dick?
- No.
Copy !req
1765. But she sure can be one
to her mom and I love it.
Copy !req
1766. You see, kids, teenagers
are like The Incredible Hulk.
Copy !req
1767. Normal one minute,
a rage of emotions the next.
Copy !req
1768. You'll see one day when one
of you guys has a kid.
Copy !req
1769. Probably the quiet one.
Copy !req
1770. Shit. No female swipes right
on Groot here.
Copy !req
1771. And I was always so worried that
I would get a female pregnant.
Copy !req
1772. When I did have sex,
I'd pull out,
Copy !req
1773. run to the other side
of the room,
Copy !req
1774. and I bust a nut
in my jacket pocket,
Copy !req
1775. just to be safe.
Copy !req
1776. How High is the greatest
movie ever made.
Copy !req
1777. Me and Silent Bob modeled our
whole fucking lives after it.
Copy !req
1778. Okay, wait a minute. Are we...
Copy !req
1779. Are we talking about the same
How High here? The movie?
Copy !req
1780. The one we're in?
Copy !req
1781. Yeah, the one we was in,
goddammit.
Copy !req
1782. See? I told your black ass
Copy !req
1783. that How High would age
like a fine Chablis.
Copy !req
1784. Uh-huh, I'm not a pedophile.
I'm here on the behalf
Copy !req
1785. of a man you might know,
Mr. J-E-S-E-S, Jesus.
Copy !req
1786. I'm a Christian vigilante,
they call me the Holy Roller.
Copy !req
1787. Super cool.
Copy !req
1788. This guy's a fucking idiot.
Copy !req
1789. Who's been our ally
this entire trip.
Copy !req
1790. Especially when he saved
our lives.
Copy !req
1791. This conversation really
does not pass
Copy !req
1792. the Bechdel Test right now.
Copy !req
1793. Holy shit, dude, it's them.
They're here.
Copy !req
1794. Jersey represent.
Copy !req
1795. Wait, you don't recognize us?
Copy !req
1796. You almost beat me up
when I was a kid,
Copy !req
1797. because I said an unkind word
about Morris Day.
Copy !req
1798. That's you guys?
Copy !req
1799. What, do you guys work here
or something?
Copy !req
1800. Dude, we're the Kush Boys.
Copy !req
1801. Dude, like, you own
all this stuff.
Copy !req
1802. Yeah, we took a page
out of your book.
Copy !req
1803. We stopped buying weed,
Copy !req
1804. started selling that shit
instead.
Copy !req
1805. Hey, thanks to you guys,
we are financially thriving
Copy !req
1806. - in the cannabis space.
- We're weed millionaires.
Copy !req
1807. So that means we get
some free weed?
Copy !req
1808. - Fuck, no.
- No, that will be 200 bucks.
Copy !req
1809. Dude, I've always
wanted to do this.
Copy !req
1810. "Two hundred bucks, little man."
Copy !req
1811. "Put that shit in our hands."
Copy !req
1812. Fair enough.
Copy !req
1813. Dude, there is more lens flare
Copy !req
1814. than a J.J. Abrams movie
in here.
Copy !req
1815. I hate all of these fuckers.
Copy !req
1816. Hi.
Copy !req
1817. Um, can my friends and I
cut the line?
Copy !req
1818. - Fuck no.
- Yeah, what she said.
Copy !req
1819. Happy Chronic-Con.
Copy !req
1820. How's The Walking Dead
gonna end?
Copy !req
1821. Oh, um,
Carol actually eats Daryl?
Copy !req
1822. Fuck. No...
Carol turns into a walker?
Copy !req
1823. Uh, no. She just eats Daryl.
Copy !req
1824. Oh, fuck. Uh, spoilers,
Copy !req
1825. I'm really sorry about that one.
Copy !req
1826. Fuck!
What the fuck was that for?
Copy !req
1827. That's for killing
Glenn and Carl!
Copy !req
1828. Oh, fuck. Fair enough.
Copy !req
1829. This reboot is doomed, man.
Copy !req
1830. Maybe it would've
had a chance
Copy !req
1831. if they got Kevin Smith
from the '90s,
Copy !req
1832. back when he had the juice
to get Affleck in his movies.
Copy !req
1833. Ew, wait. Didn't he make
that Jersey Girl movie?
Copy !req
1834. Yeah, I wasn't a fan,
Copy !req
1835. but Affleck was the bomb
as Batman, yo.
Copy !req
1836. Word, bitch! Bat-fleck
like a motherfucker!
Copy !req
1837. Ah ha! What's up now?
Copy !req
1838. Oh, hello again. Still just
a hologram, same rules apply.
Copy !req
1839. Don't fucking touch me.
Now, if you're looking
Copy !req
1840. for the Bluntman v Chronic
shoot, go left.
Copy !req
1841. But if you're looking for, uh,
I don't know, some version
Copy !req
1842. of completing your character
arc and becoming the superdad
Copy !req
1843. that your daughter never really
knew she had, go right.
Copy !req
1844. If I was in this movie, um,
I know which way I'd go.
Copy !req
1845. Straight out the door.
Copy !req
1846. Let's be honest,
I wouldn't be in this movie,
Copy !req
1847. I'd never be in
this fucking movie.
Copy !req
1848. I got, like, 37 franchises
Copy !req
1849. and honestly, I don't really
need another one.
Copy !req
1850. Anyway, dishes are done, man.
Here we go, bye-bye. Peace.
Copy !req
1851. Where do you think you're going?
Copy !req
1852. Yo, we got badges now.
Copy !req
1853. "We have badges." Stop
butchering the English language.
Copy !req
1854. And I don't care.
You're getting the bum's rush.
Copy !req
1855. Wait. Are you a chocolate fan?
Copy !req
1856. Not that it'll change
your fortunes one iota,
Copy !req
1857. but since I'm not a Nazi robot,
yes, I like chocolate.
Copy !req
1858. Well, this is the best chocolate
in the whole wide world.
Copy !req
1859. Bullshit.
Copy !req
1860. Give me that.
Copy !req
1861. Punch, edible's...
Copy !req
1862. Holy fucking shit.
Copy !req
1863. Where did these people
come from?
Copy !req
1864. Hey, kids! What the fuck
is going on here?
Copy !req
1865. They're the contest winners.
Copy !req
1866. Their prize is a walk-on
in the movie.
Copy !req
1867. - This movie?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1868. They should have held out
for a way better movie,
Copy !req
1869. - am I right?
- I totally agree.
Copy !req
1870. Man, fuck you.
Copy !req
1871. Hey, kids! Man, I'm gonna find
a way to get you all
Copy !req
1872. into an uncuttable cameo
in the movie, man.
Copy !req
1873. All right. Emily, fuck off!
We're trying to take a picture.
Copy !req
1874. All right, kids. All smiles,
big, wide eyes. Here we go.
Copy !req
1875. Excuse me. Hey, kid!
Copy !req
1876. You ruined
my fucking movie career,
Copy !req
1877. - you know that?
- Um, I've seen
Copy !req
1878. your flicks, Smitticles.
Copy !req
1879. You killed
your own movie career.
Copy !req
1880. Oh, my God, you little monster.
Who raised you?
Copy !req
1881. I'm so done with Kevin Smith.
Copy !req
1882. Fuck.
Copy !req
1883. Oh, you see that guy over there?
Copy !req
1884. For 25 years, we've been coming
here every night
Copy !req
1885. and putting gum in the locks.
Copy !req