1. Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville.Copy !req
2. Welcome to Jackass.Copy !req
3. Hello. I'm Johnny KnoxvilleCopy !req
4. and I'm about to rent a car.Copy !req
5. - What's up?
- Hi, I have a reservation.Copy !req
6. Okay, I need a driver's license
and a credit card.Copy !req
7. All right.Copy !req
8. I need a signature hereCopy !req
9. that you're going to use
your coverage instead of ours.Copy !req
10. - Is that white one us?
- Yes.Copy !req
11. And we're gonna walk around it,
inspect it together.Copy !req
12. Looks pretty good.Copy !req
13. I'm just looking for dents
and major scratches.Copy !req
14. Yeah.Copy !req
15. Something major, gonna write it down.Copy !req
16. - Little ding there.
- Yeah.Copy !req
17. No, we'll take good care of her.Copy !req
18. - Thank you.
- Have a good week.Copy !req
19. - You, too.
- Thank you.Copy !req
20. - I'm Johnny.
- Hey, man.Copy !req
21. We're gonna be doing
a hell of a lot of work here today.Copy !req
22. Trust us. We're gonna have fun.Copy !req
23. Hi. I'm Johnny Knoxville,Copy !req
24. and this is called
the Rent-a-Car Crash-Up Derby.Copy !req
25. Oh, fuck!Copy !req
26. You guys are gonna die!Copy !req
27. Shut the car off before it gets hot.Copy !req
28. Oh, fuck!Copy !req
29. I guess we didn't reinforce
the windshield.Copy !req
30. That fucker kept...
Missed me by that much.Copy !req
31. That's why you got
the roll bars behind you, dude.Copy !req
32. - Whose car is this?
- This is your guys' car.Copy !req
33. I rented it from you earlier.Copy !req
34. - Yes. Yeah, what...
- Yeah, I hit a dog.Copy !req
35. A dog didn't cause this.Copy !req
36. Come on in.Copy !req
37. I had a accident, as you can see.Copy !req
38. I was... I mean, I drink.Copy !req
39. I just black out, so I...Copy !req
40. - Were you drinking or anything?
- Yeah, I had a little, to be honest.Copy !req
41. Is there any license plates on it?Copy !req
42. - There was.
- Yeah?Copy !req
43. Well, hopefully you guys
will incur some of the cost.Copy !req
44. Oh, no.Copy !req
45. 'Cause I rented it
from you guys fair and square.Copy !req
46. Yeah.Copy !req
47. I don't want to get stuck
with the whole charge of it.Copy !req
48. Well, you are gonna get stuck
with the entire thing.Copy !req
49. Well, I don't think I should.
I think you guys should help.Copy !req
50. No. You declined
any additional coverage.Copy !req
51. Right there. You declined it.Copy !req
52. Yeah, but that's just paperwork,
you know?Copy !req
53. - That's a legal contract.
- Yeah, but I was a little... I was...Copy !req
54. I had a few to drink
when I signed that, too, so...Copy !req
55. Well, we're gonna have to
get this worked out.Copy !req
56. Yeah, you're gonna have
to pay for that car.Copy !req
57. Well, you're gonna have to help me
pay for that car.Copy !req
58. No, we don't do that.Copy !req
59. I returned it with a full tank of gas.Copy !req
60. You returned it demolished.Copy !req
61. Well, it's got a full tank of gas.Copy !req
62. That's the least of our worries
right now, is the gas.Copy !req
63. - Oh.
- This is an unmitigated outrage.Copy !req
64. I've never seen anything like this before.Copy !req
65. - What does that mean?
- No one's ever done that.Copy !req
66. Well, I can't pay for it.Copy !req
67. - Well, you're gonna have to.
- Well, I ain't.Copy !req
68. Look, I'm gonna let
you two guys work it outCopy !req
69. and I'm gonna go outside,Copy !req
70. but that car's gonna have to be paid for.Copy !req
71. "F" you!Copy !req
72. Are you all right?Copy !req
73. You all right?Copy !req
74. Knoxville knocked my nuts in half.Copy !req
75. This is the Muscle Stimulator.Copy !req
76. Oh, it hurts my teeth!Copy !req
77. I can't even turn it off.Copy !req
78. How is that supposed to help?Copy !req
79. - Okay, are you ready?
- Yeah.Copy !req
80. Think about your...Copy !req
81. Okay, okay, I got it.
I'm taking care of you.Copy !req
82. - It's all right. Okay.
- Oh, my God, it's so bad.Copy !req
83. - It's cool. You cool?
- Yeah. I'm good.Copy !req
84. Okay. Come on.Copy !req
85. Ease up. Come on. Daddy's got you.Copy !req
86. - Oh, my God, it's so fucking bad.
- Daddy's got you. Come on.Copy !req
87. You're gonna have tits of steel.Copy !req
88. Yeah, you're so buff right now.Copy !req
89. - Yeah, this goes on the gooch.
- Yeah, go, go, go, come on.Copy !req
90. - This goes on the gooch.
- Dude, he's done.Copy !req
91. Who's gonna do the gooch?Copy !req
92. In case you didn't know
what the gooch is,Copy !req
93. the gooch is the spot
between your balls and butt hole, and...Copy !req
94. Does it smell like...Copy !req
95. - Does it smell like man?
- Smell. Just smell it.Copy !req
96. - Just smell it.
- Ehren, smell it.Copy !req
97. No, come on.Copy !req
98. Do your balls first,
just to get it over with.Copy !req
99. Yeah, yeah, let's get it over with.Copy !req
100. - I'll do it, I'll do it. I'll...
- Balls is crazy.Copy !req
101. - Here's some...
- Okay.Copy !req
102. - Don't turn it on till he's solid.
- No, I'm not. I'm over it.Copy !req
103. It's totally...Copy !req
104. I'm so scared right now.Copy !req
105. - Are we ready?
- You're so gone, man.Copy !req
106. Okay.Copy !req
107. - He likes it! He likes it!
- Oh, my God!Copy !req
108. He likes it.Copy !req
109. Afternoon. How you doing?Copy !req
110. Oh. Son of a bitch.Copy !req
111. What happened?Copy !req
112. Oh, man!Copy !req
113. - Fuck!
- Fuck! Oh!Copy !req
114. Whoa!Copy !req
115. Yes! That was the best thing
I've ever seen.Copy !req
116. What?Copy !req
117. Oh, fuck, dude.Copy !req
118. Nice, yeah.Copy !req
119. Are you okay? Are you okay?
Are you okay?Copy !req
120. - Get over here!
- Help him! Help him! Help him!Copy !req
121. - Medic!
- No, no, no, no.Copy !req
122. - Don't move him. Don't move him!
- Oh, shit.Copy !req
123. That had bad news written all over it.Copy !req
124. Are you okay? You all right?Copy !req
125. That was like the worst thing
that could ever happen, right there.Copy !req
126. Dunn can't drive for shit.Copy !req
127. I don't know what happened.
I just remember we went in the air,Copy !req
128. and the next thing I know
I'm just fucked.Copy !req
129. Look at that cart.Copy !req
130. Dude, you were hauling so much ass.Copy !req
131. We're here in Tokyo,
and I feel like partying.Copy !req
132. Hi. I'm Party Boy.Copy !req
133. Oh, can I try this?Copy !req
134. Here we go.Copy !req
135. That's my party music.Copy !req
136. You like it?
Kind of makes you wanna party, huh?Copy !req
137. Kind of feel like partying right now.Copy !req
138. Ready?Copy !req
139. See, that's what the big ones do,
but sometimes they don't...Copy !req
140. It'll take a while before...Copy !req
141. Oh, fuck!Copy !req
142. Don't pull on it, man.Copy !req
143. You can't pry his mouth open.Copy !req
144. It's slowly getting away. It's slowly...Copy !req
145. Is he opening it?Copy !req
146. No, you're twisting him!
You're fucking twisting him!Copy !req
147. Oh, fuck! He's got my nipple, dude.
He's got my fucking nipple.Copy !req
148. Wait, wait, he's gonna open it.Copy !req
149. - I know. I know. Hang on, hang on.
- Hang on. Don't move.Copy !req
150. You little bastard!Copy !req
151. Oh, look at the teeth marks.Copy !req
152. Man.Copy !req
153. I'm Bunny, the lifeguard,Copy !req
154. and if any of these alligators
try to ruin our swimming,Copy !req
155. I'm gonna rassle them down
and probably have my way with them.Copy !req
156. If he falls and he lands near an alligator,Copy !req
157. and an alligator grabs a hold of him,
Steve-O will relax,Copy !req
158. let the alligator take himCopy !req
159. and hope that
the alligator will release him.Copy !req
160. Hi. I'm Steve-O,
and this is Alligator Tightrope.Copy !req
161. Oh, shit.Copy !req
162. There's no such thing
as failure, Steve-O.Copy !req
163. Take another step.Copy !req
164. You got it.Copy !req
165. One thing I know is
good tightrope walking.Copy !req
166. - Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.Copy !req
167. You're cool. You're good.Copy !req
168. Go put the chicken on him!Copy !req
169. - Yeah!
- Yeah!Copy !req
170. - Oh, shit.
- There you go.Copy !req
171. - Yeah, there you go.
- Food, food, food, food.Copy !req
172. Go back down a little bit.Copy !req
173. - Go, keep going, Steve-O.
- Oh, shit! Oh, shit!Copy !req
174. Yeah!Copy !req
175. Keep going, Steve-O. Keep going!
Keep going, Steve-O!Copy !req
176. Keep your head up, Steve-O!Copy !req
177. Keep your head up! Keep your head up!Copy !req
178. - They got you now. You're doing good!
- Keep your head up!Copy !req
179. Keep your butt up!Copy !req
180. You got it! All right, all right!Copy !req
181. Keep your butt...Copy !req
182. - Put it in your ass and let him take it.
- Come on.Copy !req
183. Stick the bone up your ass.Copy !req
184. And let him pull it out.Copy !req
185. Food, food, food, food!Copy !req
186. - Get ready.
- Here it comes. Here it comes.Copy !req
187. - Stay there. Don't move. Don't move.
- It'll be over before you know it.Copy !req
188. Don't look! Don't look, Steve-O.
Don't look.Copy !req
189. Don't look, Steve-O! Don't look!Copy !req
190. Stay still. Stay still.Copy !req
191. - He's going. He's got it.
- Don't look! Don't look!Copy !req
192. Don't move!Copy !req
193. - Hang on!
- Hold still! Hold still!Copy !req
194. I ran straight into a crocodile.
What the hell.Copy !req
195. Oh, my God.Copy !req
196. - Why can't you walk on a tightrope?
- I don't know.Copy !req
197. I thought you'd do it.Copy !req
198. Yeah.Copy !req
199. I just... I don't know, man.Copy !req
200. But I'm sure I could learn,Copy !req
201. but today, you know,
today was my first try.Copy !req
202. I'm Bam Margera,
and my parents are dead asleep.Copy !req
203. It's 12:42 right nowCopy !req
204. and Phil has to be at work
at 5:00 in the morning.Copy !req
205. So he's trying to get
a good night's sleepCopy !req
206. and I'm gonna go wake his ass up.Copy !req
207. I'm dying!Copy !req
208. Holy shit!Copy !req
209. Oh, my God, I'm opening the windows.Copy !req
210. - Getting crazy over here.
- Look at Phil's tummy.Copy !req
211. Oh, my God!Copy !req
212. Phil, you gotta be up
for 5:00 in the morning tonight.Copy !req
213. 6:00, gotta be at work.Copy !req
214. Yo, here he comes.
Here he comes. Here he comes.Copy !req
215. Jesus Christ, Bam!Copy !req
216. I almost broke my leg
getting out of there!Copy !req
217. There's shit all over the goddamn van.
How am I going to work now?Copy !req
218. Go!Copy !req
219. I... Jesus!Copy !req
220. What are you doing?Copy !req
221. You know,
I ought to arrest you right nowCopy !req
222. with all that in your clothes.Copy !req
223. - What's wrong with you?
- What are you talking about?Copy !req
224. Get this out of your pocket, man!Copy !req
225. - That's all me!
- All of this!Copy !req
226. - All of that!
- That's all me!Copy !req
227. What is this bullshit?Copy !req
228. - What is wrong with you?
- Those are my bananas.Copy !req
229. Don't never come in here no more, man!Copy !req
230. What are you...Copy !req
231. Get out! And take the other stuff
out of your pockets.Copy !req
232. - Jeez!
- Get it all out!Copy !req
233. - That's how you treat an old man?
- Yep. Get out! Go!Copy !req
234. An old man that steals, I can't believe it.Copy !req
235. Hey, man, what kind of games
you playing? Get out!Copy !req
236. - Get out, man!
- God damn it!Copy !req
237. What is wrong with you?Copy !req
238. Get out!Copy !req
239. Man, quit playing!Copy !req
240. - I was Lon Chaney's lover!
- Go back and love him!Copy !req
241. So, we're gonna go
to this hardware store.Copy !req
242. They sell toilets.Copy !req
243. And I'm gonna take a shit
right in one of the toilets.Copy !req
244. I'm gonna shit in my pants
before we get to that fucking place.Copy !req
245. Dave, fight it, man.Copy !req
246. And I don't even want
to make a joke about it right nowCopy !req
247. 'cause I just wanna hold it in.Copy !req
248. - Gotta poo?
- Pretty much.Copy !req
249. - Really?
- Yeah. Like, really bad.Copy !req
250. Don't... Do you want to ruin everything?Copy !req
251. - I swear to God, it's...
- Really? Like, that bad?Copy !req
252. Yeah, like, it's a problem.Copy !req
253. Is this the worst
you've ever had to go boom-boom?Copy !req
254. No, no.Copy !req
255. I shit my pants at the fair.Copy !req
256. Oh, dude, he's shitting right now.Copy !req
257. Get out of the car!Copy !req
258. Oh, get out, dude, get out!Copy !req
259. No shit, get out of here!Copy !req
260. Come on, man,
get out of the fucking car.Copy !req
261. Get out of the fucking car!Copy !req
262. Oh! What do I do?Copy !req
263. - Did you shit?
- Did you do it?Copy !req
264. Holy shit!
I'm taking a cab back to the hotel.Copy !req
265. He just shat everywhere.Copy !req
266. That's bad.Copy !req
267. Look.Copy !req
268. - What's wrong, man?
- I had to sit there while he shat.Copy !req
269. I need to go home right now.Copy !req
270. - It's on my hand.
- Just let them see it.Copy !req
271. Is that a bolt? We have very...Copy !req
272. What the hell you doing?Copy !req
273. - What was that?
- What are you doing?Copy !req
274. Oh, I'm sorry.Copy !req
275. I'm almost done.Copy !req
276. I hope you didn't take a shit in that,
son of a bitch.Copy !req
277. You take a shit in that, they're gonna
get you to clean it out, pal.Copy !req
278. That is disgusting, man.Copy !req
279. What a fucking Froot Loop.Copy !req
280. Want me to play it back?Copy !req
281. Hey! What the fuck? What the...Copy !req
282. Got him, dude. And there went his hair.Copy !req
283. - Turn around. Let's see it.
- That was so much.Copy !req
284. Oh, no!Copy !req
285. - Yeah.
- Look at me.Copy !req
286. - That's a good one.
- We're ready.Copy !req
287. I'm Ehren McGhehey,
and this is the Mousetrap.Copy !req
288. All right! All right! All right!Copy !req
289. Come on! Come on.Copy !req
290. Okay, that's enough.
That's enough! That's enough!Copy !req
291. I called it! Hey! Time!Copy !req
292. Dude.Copy !req
293. This isn't gonna work.Copy !req
294. It might.Copy !req
295. What's gonna happen here?Copy !req
296. I don't know,
but it's not what's going to be intended.Copy !req
297. Raab's putting a fucking tampon on.Copy !req
298. That's like
a Courtney Love-sized maxi pad.Copy !req
299. Dudes, this is, like,
worse than a hanging.Copy !req
300. I'm Raab himself
and I'm a complete fucking idiot.Copy !req
301. - Oh, that's funny.
- It didn't work.Copy !req
302. Nope.Copy !req
303. - We gotta get another one, man.
- Let's do it again.Copy !req
304. Hey, I'm Raab himself,
and this is Bungee Wedgie.Copy !req
305. Is that your shitty ass, dude?Copy !req
306. Look at the bloody, shitty underpants.Copy !req
307. Didn't give me a wedgie. I went forward.Copy !req
308. I can't believe it.Copy !req
309. That is so funny.Copy !req
310. All right, we're here in the valley today
to do our own little riot-control test.Copy !req
311. This is George Hruska.Copy !req
312. All right, George, what do you do
and what are we doing here today?Copy !req
313. Well, I'm Vice President of Operations
with A.L.S. Technologies.Copy !req
314. We manufacture
less-lethal ammunition.Copy !req
315. We're one of the top
manufacturing companiesCopy !req
316. in the United States.Copy !req
317. And we're going to shoot you
with one of our projectiles.Copy !req
318. It's called the Pen-Prevent.Copy !req
319. It's a 40-gram, tail-stabilized bag.Copy !req
320. It'll be traveling
about 250 feet per second.Copy !req
321. - Is that lethal?
- It's considered less lethal.Copy !req
322. So, this morning
I thought I was taking it in the chestCopy !req
323. with the beanbag projectile,Copy !req
324. but George and his company
said, "No way."Copy !req
325. 'Cause if it hits me in the heart,
I'm pretty much done with, so...Copy !req
326. We want to take
every single precaution...Copy !req
327. Right.Copy !req
328. necessary to help protect
your vital organs.Copy !req
329. Where are my intestines?
Are they in that area?Copy !req
330. - I think so.
- Awesome.Copy !req
331. So are you gonna
take some practice shots?Copy !req
332. Pressure.Copy !req
333. - Jesus Christ.
- Yeah.Copy !req
334. You know, this is nothing
to mess around with.Copy !req
335. This is nothing for anybodyCopy !req
336. to just throw into a 12-gauge shotgunCopy !req
337. and, you know, think
that they could take it.Copy !req
338. You know,
that's one of the reasons I'm doing thisCopy !req
339. is because I can do this
in a controlled state.Copy !req
340. Safety's off.Copy !req
341. Going hot.Copy !req
342. That really hurt.Copy !req
343. That looked like it hurt.Copy !req
344. Oh, fuck, dude.Copy !req
345. Did you see the way
I caught that beanbag with my stomach?Copy !req
346. That's instinct.Copy !req
347. You can't teach that.Copy !req
348. It hurts so much.Copy !req
349. Like going from a prone position
to standing is...Copy !req
350. Ouch.Copy !req
351. Hi. I'm Wee Man, and this is a big cone.Copy !req
352. Oh, my God, my brakes!Copy !req
353. I can't...Copy !req
354. My brakes!Copy !req
355. My brakes!Copy !req
356. My brakes!Copy !req
357. Stop me! Stop me!Copy !req
358. Stop me!Copy !req
359. - You all right?
- That was so fast!Copy !req
360. - You all right?
- Yeah.Copy !req
361. - You have... Did your brakes go out?
- Yeah. The whole thing doesn't work.Copy !req
362. Really?Copy !req
363. Will you push me to the top?
I wanna do it again.Copy !req
364. I could sure go for a Miller High Life.Copy !req
365. Oh, you're in so much trouble.Copy !req
366. Kick her ass!Copy !req
367. I'm about to get
the shit kicked out of me by a girl.Copy !req
368. Dude, I told you to keep up the left!Copy !req
369. Hail to the queen!Copy !req
370. - That's the winner.
- That's it.Copy !req
371. And the winner,Copy !req
372. and still champion...Copy !req
373. Now pronounce her name.Copy !req
374. Look at his bloody mouthpiece.Copy !req
375. Oh, God, my jaw is, like,
two inches to the left.Copy !req
376. I seriously felt all right for a little bit,
until she punched me in the nose.Copy !req
377. I knew she was fighting dirty.Copy !req
378. Tropical Pole-Vaulting.Copy !req
379. Oh, Jesus!Copy !req
380. Go grab the dead kitty.Copy !req
381. Dude, I've fucking
been in there before, dude. It sucks.Copy !req
382. Oh, God!Copy !req
383. Since we no longer
have to bleep cuss words,Copy !req
384. I promise
I will get my mom to say "fuck"Copy !req
385. by the end of this movie.Copy !req
386. Hello. I'm Johnny Knoxville,Copy !req
387. and we're about to test
my rocket skates.Copy !req
388. Go!Copy !req
389. All right, this is rocket skates,Copy !req
390. take two.Copy !req
391. This one's gonna be a little more
powerful than the last one, so...Copy !req
392. - Why, these are different bottle rockets?
- No, there's just more of them.Copy !req
393. - Oh, fuck!
- What's wrong?Copy !req
394. I fell and busted my ass,
that's what's fucking wrong.Copy !req
395. That's it.Copy !req
396. No more rocket skates.Copy !req
397. God, this party sucks!Copy !req
398. Hey, my man. Wasabi, lots.Copy !req
399. Wasabi.Copy !req
400. Yeah.Copy !req
401. So today, I'm gonna treat myself
to some wasabi snooters.Copy !req
402. Are you any good at snorting stuff?Copy !req
403. Pretty good.Copy !req
404. God, chopsticks are so stupid.Copy !req
405. That looks like a pretty good line, huh?Copy !req
406. More.Copy !req
407. Do another snooter.Copy !req
408. I need a pick-me-up.Copy !req
409. Dude, on the plate. On the plate.Copy !req
410. - Oh, God, dude.
- You're an animal.Copy !req
411. Oh, man.Copy !req
412. That's a bump.Copy !req
413. Look at that special sauce.Copy !req
414. - Swallow it.
- Swallow it.Copy !req
415. Get him!Copy !req
416. Get back here!Copy !req
417. I said, "Get back here!"Copy !req
418. Get...Copy !req
419. This is bullshit, man!Copy !req
420. Phil?Copy !req
421. Phil?Copy !req
422. Phil?Copy !req
423. Hey, Phil!Copy !req
424. Oh, my God.Copy !req
425. - Is this thing real?
- What thing?Copy !req
426. This alligator!Copy !req
427. What?Copy !req
428. Look, look, look!
Look around the corner.Copy !req
429. What is that?Copy !req
430. Where have you been?
Don't you even look?Copy !req
431. Oh, my God! It's moving.Copy !req
432. Oh, Phil!Copy !req
433. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!Copy !req
434. - I don't know what to do now.
- Aren't you scared to death?Copy !req
435. It's so gross that it's even on the floor.Copy !req
436. I'm going out! I'm leaving!
Where's my keys?Copy !req
437. That is the scariest fucking thing
I ever saw in my whole life!Copy !req
438. - I'm leaving.
- Don't leave. Where the hell you going?Copy !req
439. I'm leaving. I swear to God!Copy !req
440. Phil, seriously, please.Copy !req
441. Help! Help me get this thing out of here!Copy !req
442. I'm scared to death!Copy !req
443. Oh, God!Copy !req
444. Oh, man.Copy !req
445. No! No!Copy !req
446. No, I'm not letting in the...Copy !req
447. No, no! God, where is it?Copy !req
448. - Oh, please! You don't have it, do you?
- No, we don't have it.Copy !req
449. It's not there?Copy !req
450. Like, seriously, is that real?Copy !req
451. I'm serious. Is it real?Copy !req
452. Is it real?Copy !req
453. - Is it real?
- Yes.Copy !req
454. I'm serious, get everybody out!Copy !req
455. Dude, dude. Wait. Stop! Chill, dude.Copy !req
456. Whiz kid kicked your ass, dude.Copy !req
457. - I didn't even get you.
- You got beat up by Wee Man.Copy !req
458. - Dude.
- Let me see.Copy !req
459. He didn't even get you.Copy !req
460. - Where? I didn't even...
- He didn't even get you.Copy !req
461. Let me see the back of your head.Copy !req
462. - Oh, dude.
- It'll be all right.Copy !req
463. I'm here with Eric Koston
and Clyde Singleton,Copy !req
464. and today I'm gonna 50-50 this rail,
and... Or try to.Copy !req
465. - So, this thing's long.
- Yeah, thanks.Copy !req
466. Thanks for reminding me.Copy !req
467. You got it.Copy !req
468. I got it. I got this.Copy !req
469. - Dude, is he gonna go?
- Yeah.Copy !req
470. Is he gonna go?
He's gonna go somewhere.Copy !req
471. He's going.Copy !req
472. He's going, yeah.Copy !req
473. My impression of Johnny Knoxville.
Something like this.Copy !req
474. "Oh, my face!"Copy !req
475. I'm Johnny Knoxville
and I'm gonna grind this rail.Copy !req
476. Ready, set, go!Copy !req
477. Yeah! Yeah!Copy !req
478. Yeah!Copy !req
479. He made it all the way down.Copy !req
480. I can't believe he got that far.Copy !req
481. - You made it to the fucking bottom!
- I can't believe he got that far.Copy !req
482. I can't believe... I can't...Copy !req
483. This is the Paper Cuts.Copy !req
484. I'm getting paper cuts
between the webbings of my fingersCopy !req
485. and the webbings of my toes.Copy !req
486. - Hold it still.
- There's no good way to do it.Copy !req
487. Yeah, I know. So just deal with it.
Take a... Take a breath.Copy !req
488. Oh, you can feel when it goes in.Copy !req
489. Oh, give me... This one works good,
give me the next one.Copy !req
490. Do it. Do it.Copy !req
491. - Oh, yeah, opened up with a good one.
- Did you hear that?Copy !req
492. - Oh, that was my flesh!
- Oh, shit.Copy !req
493. If I do your hand,
you'll forget about the pain in your foot.Copy !req
494. That's a good point.Copy !req
495. Take a deep breath.Copy !req
496. Lance is trying... Are you gonna puke?Copy !req
497. Don't, Lance,
there's so many places for you to...Copy !req
498. - Watch Lance pass out.
- Lance is gonna puke!Copy !req
499. From what,
the pepperoni or the paper cuts?Copy !req
500. Both?Copy !req
501. The pepperoni.Copy !req
502. It's good! With pig entrails.Copy !req
503. - Is he okay?
- I don't know.Copy !req
504. - Wait, is he all right?
- Lance, are you all right?Copy !req
505. - Medic!
- Hey, don't knock over the beer.Copy !req
506. - Dude, are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.Copy !req
507. - And get him in a cold room.
- This is the greatest bit ever.Copy !req
508. Steve-O, if you want to do some more,
do it. I'm done.Copy !req
509. Is everybody ready?Copy !req
510. Yeah.Copy !req
511. See the look on his face?Copy !req
512. - Do one more.
- Do it again.Copy !req
513. That sucked.Copy !req
514. God, am I glad I came down
to see what was going on in this room.Copy !req
515. Wait a minute.Copy !req
516. I know what my fortune is. It's partying.Copy !req
517. This is Sweaty Fat Fucks.Copy !req
518. Oh, honey, it's been a while.Copy !req
519. - It's a little too much.
- No, I...Copy !req
520. Irving, you think you can do it?Copy !req
521. - Do you want a spot?
- No, I got it. No, I got it.Copy !req
522. - You got it?
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
523. - If you need a spot, just give me a call.
- Okay.Copy !req
524. What's the quickest
you ever knocked anyone out?Copy !req
525. I hold the California state record.Copy !req
526. It's like 18 seconds,
including the 10 count.Copy !req
527. I think you're gonna break that today.Copy !req
528. - I'm Johnny Knoxville.
- And I'm Butterbean.Copy !req
529. Today we're gonna do a little boxing.Copy !req
530. All right, you guys.
Touch gloves and come out fighting.Copy !req
531. - Get up!
- Come on, Butter...Copy !req
532. One more time.Copy !req
533. This is the last time
you're kicking my ass.Copy !req
534. One more time.Copy !req
535. More pain. That's it.Copy !req
536. You haven't even...
Hit me once, at least.Copy !req
537. There you go.Copy !req
538. That's it.Copy !req
539. Is there a problem?Copy !req
540. He's out.Copy !req
541. Is Butterbean okay?Copy !req
542. Look at this.Copy !req
543. And by knockout in the first round,
new champion, Butterbean!Copy !req
544. Yeah!Copy !req
545. - Where we going, Knoxville?
- The hospital.Copy !req
546. - What the hell are we doing that for?
- I don't know.Copy !req
547. Apparently I have
a big gash in my head,Copy !req
548. and I think I'm a little concussed.Copy !req
549. - Are you giving me a shot?
- Yeah.Copy !req
550. Are you okay?Copy !req
551. - We got one more to go, buddy.
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
552. - Then you're a free man.
- Thank you.Copy !req
553. You're gonna be not feeling great
the next 24 hours.Copy !req
554. - Thank you, Dr. Kipper.
- Okay.Copy !req
555. You'll probably see me
in two to three days.Copy !req
556. See you in a couple of days.Copy !req
557. Hey! Hey! Hey!Copy !req
558. God damn it! What are you doing?Copy !req
559. Hey! Get off, man!Copy !req
560. - What's going on here?
- Get off!Copy !req
561. Get off!Copy !req
562. We're in OkinawaCopy !req
563. and we're about to go swim
with some whale sharks.Copy !req
564. But first, we need to go rub one out.Copy !req
565. Well, I made the mistake
of showing themCopy !req
566. what sea cucumbers do
when they're threatened.Copy !req
567. And that is, you know,
as soon as something touches them,Copy !req
568. these white threads
come out of the end of it,Copy !req
569. and Steve-O and Chris
thought it was a great idea.Copy !req
570. So, they're out there trying to...Copy !req
571. - Masturbate?
- Masturbate. Yeah.Copy !req
572. So, anyway, I apologize.Copy !req
573. This is the Whale Shark Gummer.Copy !req
574. With a simple shave of the razor,
Steve-O easily disguises himselfCopy !req
575. to fool the whale sharks
into thinking he's a harmless young boy.Copy !req
576. I am pretty nervous about my wiener
around that whale shark. I really am.Copy !req
577. Now, the best way
to think of the whale sharksCopy !req
578. is they're like big puppy dogs.Copy !req
579. Sometimes puppies bite.Copy !req
580. Yeah, but they have little teeth.Copy !req
581. - Puppies, they have little teeth.
- Little teeth.Copy !req
582. - You're gonna get a gummer.
- All right.Copy !req
583. So, it's kind of like
being with a gal with no teeth.Copy !req
584. - Kind of, yes.
- Yeah.Copy !req
585. So right below in these waters,
30-foot whale sharksCopy !req
586. are waiting to eatCopy !req
587. these freaking shrimp
out of our crotches.Copy !req
588. Okay.Copy !req
589. Oh, they're kind of... They pinch.Copy !req
590. Are these alive?Copy !req
591. - They don't feel good on the way...
- You're part of this, man.Copy !req
592. Look at this shrimp.Copy !req
593. I guess I don't really have
any last words.Copy !req
594. I'm just gonna kill myself
once I lose my wiener.Copy !req
595. My penis is really small now.Copy !req
596. I can't really look cool right now.Copy !req
597. Hi. I'm Johnny Knoxville.
This is the Tidal Wave.Copy !req
598. - How'd it look?
- It looked good.Copy !req
599. You just got drenched.Copy !req
600. I don't even, like, pick a tattoo, like,Copy !req
601. unless I'm pretty sure that people
are gonna laugh every time they see it.Copy !req
602. Oh, my God, dude.Copy !req
603. Like, how do you perform
the fucking world's dumbest tattoo?Copy !req
604. Fuck, man.
At least I don't have to look at it, right?Copy !req
605. My name is Henry Rollins
and this is Off-Road Tattoo.Copy !req
606. Yeah!Copy !req
607. This was designed to fuck you up!Copy !req
608. You Christian motherfucker!Copy !req
609. It's a total smiley face, dude.Copy !req
610. I just fully got a haircut
just, like, a week ago.Copy !req
611. You're about to get many more.Copy !req
612. - Yeah, me, too.
- I am not doing it.Copy !req
613. Look at Ehren.Copy !req
614. Oh, shit!Copy !req
615. So, we're finding it
a little bit chilly in Japan.Copy !req
616. We're gonna warm ourselves up
with some fireworks.Copy !req
617. Let's go, dude.Copy !req
618. Roll back there, just a bit.Copy !req
619. Oh, no! This is a bad angle. Switch.Copy !req
620. Oh, no, no, no.Copy !req
621. Let's see.Copy !req
622. Like, an ember fell
right in my corn hole, dude.Copy !req
623. I actually burned my butt hole.Copy !req
624. How hard is it to tie a bottle rocket
to a cock?Copy !req
625. God, you're compressing it.Copy !req
626. You may think
this next stunt is impossible.Copy !req
627. You gotta squat a little, Pontius.Copy !req
628. Every time!Copy !req
629. - Is Chris' dick shorter or...
- Yeah, it's a little shorter.Copy !req
630. Keep it in! Hold it!Copy !req
631. Stick...Copy !req
632. It almost hit Loomis in the face.Copy !req
633. God damn, this is the BMX Tug-of-War.Copy !req
634. Fuck!Copy !req
635. What a dumb-ass idea.Copy !req
636. I'm surrounded by cacti.Copy !req
637. - For fuck's sake.
- Dude, it's a cactus.Copy !req
638. - It's cacti!
- It's cactus.Copy !req
639. Whatever it is, it hurts.Copy !req
640. You wanna get up and cross?Copy !req
641. This is the Yellow Snow Cone.Copy !req
642. Pack it in there nice and tight.Copy !req
643. Little cold out here.
It might take a second.Copy !req
644. Oh! There we go.Copy !req
645. - Oh, yeah.
- Dude.Copy !req
646. I'm not even worried about the pee,
I'm just worried about it...Copy !req
647. Come on,
you're missing the cone, dude!Copy !req
648. - I'm sorry.
- You're missing the cone!Copy !req
649. You better eat that whole thing, too.Copy !req
650. You gotta go eat that spot, too.Copy !req
651. The male bonding...Copy !req
652. Enjoy the snow cone.Copy !req
653. Oh, you just wasted a whole bunch!Copy !req
654. Just get that whole mouthful,
right there.Copy !req
655. Keep going.Copy !req
656. - Keep going!
- Eat it!Copy !req
657. - Come on, it's your pee.
- Dude, swallow it!Copy !req
658. - Oh, come on.
- Hey, I'm trying. It's so cold.Copy !req
659. Swallow it! Swallow it!Copy !req
660. Oh, God.Copy !req
661. Eat it! Eat it!Copy !req
662. Swallow it, man! Don't... No, no.Copy !req
663. - Oh, no.
- Oh, no puking.Copy !req
664. - I'm doing it!
- Don't look at it.Copy !req
665. Dude, it's dripping out of the bottom.Copy !req
666. Will you catch that,
what's dripping out the bottom?Copy !req
667. Oh, my God!Copy !req
668. Oh, my God!Copy !req
669. - Eat it. Eat it.
- This...Copy !req
670. - You said that you would.
- Eat it.Copy !req
671. is the chocolate snow cone.Copy !req
672. - It stinks.
- That sucked.Copy !req
673. Kick yourself in the head, Wee Man.Copy !req
674. This guy.
He'll do anything just to look better.Copy !req
675. - No, get away.
- Now what is?Copy !req
676. Are you starting to lose your mind
on that shit?Copy !req
677. Bam, stop it!Copy !req
678. Now, you're getting crazy on this shit.Copy !req
679. Ape!Copy !req
680. He's starting to lose it!Copy !req
681. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
682. Ape, I need toilet paper!Copy !req
683. Okay, this is called
the Golf Course Airhorn.Copy !req
684. When people tee off,Copy !req
685. when they're coming down
with their swing,Copy !req
686. we're gonna blow these airhorns.Copy !req
687. - Here she goes again.
- No. Is it another one?Copy !req
688. She still hit it really good.Copy !req
689. Holy shit.Copy !req
690. What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you?Copy !req
691. Here, you've lost your club. Sorry.Copy !req
692. Didn't I tell you I was gonna come
over here and kick your ass for that?Copy !req
693. What? I'm sorry. I got bursitis.Copy !req
694. - You got bursitis?
- Yeah.Copy !req
695. So, that means
you gotta play with a horn?Copy !req
696. - It helps.
- I'll give you something to play with, pal.Copy !req
697. Sorry. It won't happen again.Copy !req
698. - Oh, fuck!
- Shit. He's teeing off!Copy !req
699. - Get down! Get down!
- Oh, shit!Copy !req
700. Get back. Get down, get down.Copy !req
701. - Watch this! Wait. Wait.
- Get down, Dimitry.Copy !req
702. Oh, these things are scary.Copy !req
703. - I'm Bam Margera.
- I'm Johnny Knoxville.Copy !req
704. And we're gonna be burglars today.Copy !req
705. Oh, God!Copy !req
706. Fuck! Get the diamonds!Copy !req
707. Dude, I told you
not to fall off the damn beam.Copy !req
708. Turn around! Turn around!Copy !req
709. Fuck!Copy !req
710. Oh, holy fuck!Copy !req
711. - Idiot!
- What the fuck is that?Copy !req
712. Go!Copy !req
713. Holy fuck!Copy !req
714. You all right?Copy !req
715. - You okay?
- I'm good. I'm good.Copy !req
716. - What'd you think happened right there?
- It's embarrassing.Copy !req
717. I was barely halfway through the ceiling,
and you were already out the door.Copy !req
718. You were really sprinting.Copy !req
719. Really, guys in masks, I'm out.Copy !req
720. I don't play. I don't play.Copy !req
721. Is there any actual, like, real reasonCopy !req
722. why anyone would shove
something up their ass like this?Copy !req
723. - No.
- I'm claiming predictions for this event.Copy !req
724. - Where's Ryan?
- Did you make them?Copy !req
725. Number one, it's not getting in there.Copy !req
726. Number two, even if it does,
it's not staying in there.Copy !req
727. Definitely no sitting down happening.Copy !req
728. Number three, there's no way
they're gonna believe that this is true.Copy !req
729. So, you're saying it's...Copy !req
730. I'm saying there's nothing I want more
than for this to happen, but...Copy !req
731. - You don't want it to happen that much.
- No, I really do.Copy !req
732. This is our original talent
for this piece, by the way.Copy !req
733. - Yeah. I think that...
- It's one of the first things I thinkCopy !req
734. I've ever seen you duck out on.Copy !req
735. Oh, man, I am so glad
I turned this idea down.Copy !req
736. I'm so glad.Copy !req
737. I'll probably use all of this
before the end of the segment.Copy !req
738. What else we got?Copy !req
739. A condom. Thank you.Copy !req
740. And a little toy car.Copy !req
741. Blue, it's my favorite color.Copy !req
742. Let me see that. Dangle it.Copy !req
743. Look at the reservoir tip.Copy !req
744. - Now I'm lubing up...
- I can't see the car, Ryan.Copy !req
745. the little toy car,
because I'm going to put it in my butt.Copy !req
746. Be comfortable.Copy !req
747. Hey, Ed's here for rescuing, dude.
You're here for making it a problem.Copy !req
748. All right, you're gonna watch this?Copy !req
749. - You're making me uncomfortable.
- Sorry.Copy !req
750. I gotta get another job.Copy !req
751. - Lube up your corn hole.
- I am. I'm spackling.Copy !req
752. "Spackling."Copy !req
753. - Heart rate's going up for sure!
- Oh, dude, it hurts.Copy !req
754. Your adrenaline's flowing, isn't it?Copy !req
755. There's no getting around it,
it fucking hurts like hell.Copy !req
756. Come on in, Manny.Copy !req
757. You're just in time, Manny.Copy !req
758. Oh, Manny. Tell me I'm a man.Copy !req
759. - Hey, man, he's got it...
- It feels so goddamn gross.Copy !req
760. This is totally insane.Copy !req
761. - I thinks it's breathing.
- Wheels in?Copy !req
762. It's in, dude.Copy !req
763. - It's in?
- Yeah.Copy !req
764. - Let's see.
- Oh, fuck!Copy !req
765. I feel like I have to shit my ass.Copy !req
766. Is there anything in tap?Copy !req
767. No, this don't happen in nature, dude.
This is insane.Copy !req
768. "This doesn't happen in nature."Copy !req
769. You said that you didn't want to do it
because your dad would disown you?Copy !req
770. Well, I mean, it wasn't that.Copy !req
771. You drank wine
off of a dude's ass crack.Copy !req
772. My dad never saw that.
I never told him that, you know.Copy !req
773. I was gonna do this
and I was like, "Dad..."Copy !req
774. I was like,
"Dad, we're going hard these days,Copy !req
775. "and there's some ideas
floating around."Copy !req
776. I just mentioned the car in the butt.Copy !req
777. My dad, like... The only time in my life
I ever heard my dad, like...Copy !req
778. You know,
it's like when your parents say,Copy !req
779. "I'm not mad at you,
I'm just disappointed," you know.Copy !req
780. Like, that hurts so much more,
you know?Copy !req
781. Fucking rad.Copy !req
782. Look at him walk.Copy !req
783. Dunn's gonna win, dude.Copy !req
784. I'm not too excited about this skit.Copy !req
785. It's not my favorite I've ever done,
because there's a toy car in my butt.Copy !req
786. But this is the Butt X-ray.Copy !req
787. I think I need an x-ray.Copy !req
788. - Antoine?
- Yes?Copy !req
789. - How you doing?
- Pretty good.Copy !req
790. - I'm Ryan, and this is...
- What can I do for you?Copy !req
791. I was partying last night
with some frat guys.Copy !req
792. I passed out. I must've fallen down
and broken something,Copy !req
793. 'cause I haven't been
able to walk right since.Copy !req
794. We're gonna take x-ray now, to be sure.Copy !req
795. Okay.Copy !req
796. - Take a...
- Oh, okay.Copy !req
797. This is comfy.Copy !req
798. Hold your breath. Don't move.Copy !req
799. - What is that?
- I have no idea.Copy !req
800. That's not part of you.
That's something extra.Copy !req
801. I would've known if I ate that.Copy !req
802. No. You wouldn't be able
to swallow that.Copy !req
803. That is a car toy.Copy !req
804. - Well, how did a car toy get there?
- Maybe you stuck it up your ass.Copy !req
805. I didn't stick anything up my ass.Copy !req
806. - Have you ever seen anything like that?
- No, I never seen that in there.Copy !req
807. I've seen a toy car all over,
but never in somebody's rectum.Copy !req
808. - You can't get it out? You don't have...
- No.Copy !req
809. I'm a physician,
but I practice this, x-ray, only.Copy !req
810. You think maybe I can just,
you know, poop it out?Copy !req
811. You won't be able to poop it out.Copy !req
812. In fact, it will hurt you.Copy !req
813. In fact,
I don't think it's even good for youCopy !req
814. that you poop it out.Copy !req
815. What will happen if you take Ex-Lax?
Will that help?Copy !req
816. No, if he takes Ex-Lax,Copy !req
817. well, he gets a lot of diarrhea,
but no car.Copy !req
818. I appreciate it.
Thank you for taking care of me.Copy !req
819. - Okay.
- Thanks again.Copy !req
820. You know, it's not that easy
trying to get this thing out as it is.Copy !req
821. Especially with all you guys
fucking staring at me.Copy !req
822. Fucking peanut gallery
while I'm trying to crap.Copy !req
823. - Oh, shit!
- Get down there and film low.Copy !req
824. That sounded like an injury.Copy !req
825. - Did it come out?
- It's coming.Copy !req
826. Everyone, be quiet.Copy !req
827. Oh, that hurt so bad.Copy !req
828. - Let me see it. Hold it up.
- Something broke.Copy !req
829. I'm bleeding.Copy !req
830. - Let's see it. Let's see it.
- Not that bad.Copy !req
831. He's alive!Copy !req
832. Oh, Johnny Knoxville. He made it.Copy !req
833. Oh, there is a God.Copy !req
834. Oh, please.Copy !req
835. And at last! I thought it would never...Copy !req
836. This is the end!Copy !req
837. Oh, thank you, Jesus!Copy !req
838. Oh, child!Copy !req
839. - Let's see it! Let's see it!
- Not that bad.Copy !req
840. Oh, shit!Copy !req
841. Oh, fuck!Copy !req
842. Bam, what the...Copy !req
843. Whose dick do I gotta suck
to get some explosions around here?Copy !req
844. It's got a boner.Copy !req
845. Oh! Oh, fuck!Copy !req
846. That's a man.Copy !req
847. Gator wrestling.Copy !req
848. For fuck's sake, come here!Copy !req
849. Hurry up. Hurry up.Copy !req
850. Hurry!Copy !req
851. We wanted to see if you would run here
with a car up your ass.Copy !req
852. No, I ain't running anywhere.Copy !req
853. It's scary enough to walk.Copy !req
854. You're nice. You're a good man.Copy !req
855. - Want to come over for dinner?
- No, that's okay.Copy !req
856. - You know how to operate it now?
- Yeah, I think so. I think so.Copy !req
857. - I need help.
- Yeah.Copy !req
858. The smiley face is a complete crucial.Copy !req
859. What did I say?Copy !req
860. - Fuck.
- Fuck.Copy !req
861. I didn't say the "F" word.Copy !req
862. Yeah, you did. You said "fuck."Copy !req
863. - Don't worry, we'll bleep it.
- I did? Can we cut that out?Copy !req
864. - It's all right.
- It looks fine. It looks normal.Copy !req
865. I think it says "fuck" on my forehead.Copy !req
866. - They don't have a tail?
- No! They must have...Copy !req
867. Show him the x-ray.Copy !req
868. I mean, trust me, dude,
I'm not unimpressed.Copy !req
869. Fuck!Copy !req
870. The next time,
we can do Son of Jackass.Copy !req
871. Son...Copy !req
872. Yeah, dude.Copy !req