1. Law offices.
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2. You know what I want to
be when I grow up?
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3. - What?
- A fisherman.
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4. I want to go fishing
every day till I'm rich
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5. so I can move right
next door to the jailhouse,
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6. so I can be close to my mommy.
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7. She got arrested for drugs
again, so she has to go back.
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8. I'm sorry to hear that.
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9. My mommy's breath smells so bad
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10. 'cause she smokes
so much crack.
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11. What do you think?
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12. What do I think? About what?
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13. My mommy's bad breath.
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14. Maybe it'll get better.
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15. Thank you. That helps.
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16. Yeah. Yeah! Thanks
for nothing, Derek.
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17. What is
the matter with you, Kimmie?
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18. All right, come on. We got to
go see your grandpa.
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19. Not Grandpa. He's a kook!
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20. Oh, my goodness.
You are limber!
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21. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
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22. Phew.
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23. - Thank you.
- Thank you.
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24. Ooh, well, hello!
I think I know her.
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25. Mmm...
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26. Mr. Zisman?
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27. Mr. Zisman.
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28. - Mr. Zisman!
- Hmm?
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29. Hi.
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30. I'm, uh, afraid I have
some bad news.
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31. Your wife, she took a turn
for the worse last night
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32. and, um, she passed away.
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33. I'm so sorry.
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34. Oh!
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35. I thought she'd never die.
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36. I'm going to let
you process this,
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37. and, uh, I'll be back in
just a moment, okay?
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38. Thank you. Thank you, Doc!
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39. Don't get me wrong, I'm upset,
but she was a crabby old bat.
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40. Well, I'm sorry for your loss.
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41. She hadn't given me any nookie
since the '90s.
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42. And then it was
only out of spite.
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43. She's in a much better place.
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44. And I'm in a much better place.
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45. Did you hear that, Leroy?
We're free!
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46. I'm free.
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47. Hello, lady.
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48. Thanks a lot.
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49. Ooh.
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50. All right.
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51. Shit!
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52. Oh.
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53. Uh-oh. Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
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54. Miss.
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55. Sir, can you help me?
Can you help me, sir?
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56. I don't expect
you to understand,
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57. but I have my penis
stuck to the soda machine.
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58. Gabriel! I'm stuck.
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59. What's wrong?
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60. My penis is
stuck in the machine!
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61. Gabriel! Help me!
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62. Help me! Ah! Gabriel!
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63. Gabriel!
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64. Sir. Could you help me, sir?
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65. Please don't announce it!
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66. It's fucking embarrassing!
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67. Can you help me
instead of announcing?
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68. Please! It's not funny!
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69. It's not funny!
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70. Help! Give me a hand!
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71. - Could you help me?
- What you want?
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72. I'm in a bad situation.
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73. I gotta get unstuck!
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74. Can you help?
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75. Jiggle my shoulders.
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76. Jiggle my shoulders.
Ow! Ow!
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77. - Nothing I can do.
- Jiggle my...
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78. Jiggle! Ow! Ow.
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79. Oh, my God.
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80. Oh, my God.
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81. Oh. Oh! He's trying
to rip that dick out!
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82. Oh, no!
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83. - Stop!
- Stop, man!
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84. Sir?
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85. Don't... It's not going
to come out.
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86. Don't! Quit pulling on it.
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87. I got to get...
Oh, God!
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88. Ah!
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89. Push! Push!
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90. God! Push! Push!
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91. Oh, God! Oh, God!
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92. You looking for something?
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93. Yes, ma'am,
I'm looking for a suit.
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94. Okay.
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95. Wow, what's your name?
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96. - Judy.
- Judy...
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97. - Nice to meet you.
- ... you are so beautiful.
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98. - Thank you.
- Oh, my goodness.
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99. My wife just passed away.
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100. I'm sorry.
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101. That's all right. It wasn't the
greatest marriage anyway, Judy.
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102. That's why I'm gonna take a
little me time now, Judy.
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103. - And have some fun.
- Uh-huh. See?
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104. By fun, I mean
banging the gong.
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105. I might be too old
to fry the rice,
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106. but I can still chop the
suey, that's for sure.
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107. How long does it
take to do alterations?
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108. Um... Do you
need a hurry?
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109. Uh, the funeral's tomorrow.
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110. Oh. Do you need a tie?
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111. Yes, ma'am.
Yes, ma'am.
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112. Okay, what color
the tie you likey?
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113. Uh, I likey any color.
You pick one out for me.
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114. Well... How about
that one right there?
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115. Uh... Which one?
You mean this one?
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116. - Right there. Yes.
- That looks like it's green.
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117. - Oh, that's very nice.
- Yeah. Okay?
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118. - How much is that shirt?
- Sixty-five.
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119. - That's a lot of scratch.
- Forty per cent.
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120. - Forty per cent.
- That's a lot of scratch.
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121. - So, forty per cent.
- Yeah.
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122. Is that a squirrel right there?
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123. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
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124. - You got me, you got me.
- Yup, I got you good.
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125. - You got me.
- Yup, I got you over a felony.
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126. - Oh, God.
- Have a seat.
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127. Yes, sir.
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128. - Do not get up out of that chair.
- Yes, sir.
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129. I apologize.
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130. Get my shit off.
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131. Get your shit off?
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132. Get my shirt off. Get my coat off.
Get my pants off.
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133. I gotta take your pants off?
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134. - You better believe it.
- Well, that sounds a little weird.
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135. Go in here and
get the damn pants off.
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136. You want me to take your pants
off, that seems a little weird.
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137. Thank you, kind people,
for being here today.
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138. I never thought my wife's
funeral would be filled with
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139. complete strangers, but we've
outlived all our friends.
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140. I was hoping my daughter and
grandson could make it but...
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141. They didn't.
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142. So, I would especially like
to thank the choir
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143. and caterers, and all the nice
people sitting before me.
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144. Thank you.
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145. I wished you could have
seen the young Ellie,
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146. the woman I fell in love with.
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147. She was like a flash
of bright light.
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148. A callipygian princess who drew
people to her like a magnet.
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149. And for those of you who don't
know what callipygian means,
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150. it means she has a nice bottom.
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151. - Ooh.
- She did.
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152. I wish I had
more time with her.
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153. I wish so much of our time had
not been consumed by combat.
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154. I wish I'd tried a little
harder to make that happen.
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155. - Because she's gone now.
- And our history on this earth has been written...
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156. Baby.
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157. Hi, sweetie.
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158. - Hi, buddy.
- Hi.
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159. Sit.
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160. This is my
daughter and grandson.
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161. Can I have a word with you?
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162. Yeah, I'm in
the middle of something.
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163. Billy, just stay there
for a second.
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164. I just want to talk to
your granddad outside.
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165. Okay, Mom.
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166. I'm sorry. Excuse me.
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167. Hi, Billy.
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168. What's so important?
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169. Listen, I'm sorry that she's
dead and everything,
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170. but I'm in some serious shit,
okay?
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171. - What is it this time?
- You tell him about the microphone.
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172. Don't even start that
with me! Not now!
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173. Okay? It wasn't even my fault!
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174. This cop, he's got a bug
up his ass,
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175. and then they give me
this public defender
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176. who's a fucking idiot! And...
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177. Sir, excuse me.
The microphone is on.
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178. Please, just give me a moment.
Just give me a moment.
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179. Look, I violated my parole
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180. and now they're gonna
send me to jail.
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181. I just need you to take Billy
across the country
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182. so he can be with his dad
for a while. Okay?
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183. What?
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184. I can't have Bobby with me
now. I'm in mourning!
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185. It's Billy. Billy!
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186. How am I supposed
to know what his name is?
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187. You never brought him around!
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188. And when you did bring him around,
he pissed every bed in the house.
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189. I don't pee my bed anymore.
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190. I cannot have
Billy with me now.
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191. I am a free man for the
first time in 46 years
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192. and I can't be saddled
with that cockblock!
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193. That's just fine.
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194. You were never there for me
when I was little,
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195. so I guess it's
no different now, is it?
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196. I'm going to talk to my mom.
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197. I am very sorry. Um...
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198. Everyone's very
emotional right now.
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199. It's a very difficult
time for the family.
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200. Uh...
I don't know what to say.
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201. Sweetie, come here.
That's your mother's.
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202. She told me I could have it.
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203. Give me the...
Give it...
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204. Don't do this in front of
them! Don't do this right now!
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205. Just stop...
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206. - Oh, no!
- Oh, God! Jesus!
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207. Oh, no.
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208. Grandma?
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209. - I love you.
- Oh, baby.
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210. Sorry, Daddy.
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211. Oh, baby!
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212. Oh, my God!
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213. Sing! Please, choir, sing
something. Somebody help.
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214. Fuck.
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215. Where are we going?
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216. We're going here to get on
a computer call with your dad
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217. to see when he's gonna
pick your little ass up.
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218. And I got someone meeting us
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219. to help me
and your father communicate,
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220. seeing how we don't get along.
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221. Are you Mr. Zisman?
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222. - Hi.
- Shirley Kreska.
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223. - Nice to meet you, Shirley.
- Nice to meet you.
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224. Well, tell me
the purpose of the call.
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225. His mother is going to jail.
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226. But she wanted me to get
him to his father.
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227. We've had lots of problems
out of the father.
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228. He's nearly impossible
to communicate with.
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229. Yes, yes.
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230. I got him up on
the computer now.
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231. All right, Chuck.
This is Shirley.
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232. Hi, Chuck.
I'm a local counselor,
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233. and I'm just here to help
the two of you
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234. reach whatever goals
you want to reach
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235. and just help the two
of you talk together.
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236. Okay.
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237. So, uh, Kimmie
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238. is going to
jail again, all right?
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239. Doesn't surprise me.
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240. So I need you to come
get Billy, like, from me.
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241. Why are you shaking your head?
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242. 'Cause this is real
bad timing right now for me.
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243. I'm having some problems
with my business right now.
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244. - Okay.
- Oh, your business, huh?
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245. What business is that?
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246. I sell computers.
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247. Sell... He couldn't sell
pussy on a troop train.
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248. Oh, that's
a disgusting thing to say.
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249. Okay, but that doesn't help.
That doesn't help.
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250. You're right. You're right.
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251. I'm sorry for insulting you.
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252. Are you serious?
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253. This is a disaster.
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254. All right, Chuck.
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255. If you can't come to Lincoln,
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256. then I'll just bring him
to you in North Carolina.
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257. No. 'Cause I don't have money
to take care of a kid.
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258. My cousin, he just had
to take his baby girl,
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259. and the state's paying
him $600 a month for free.
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260. Are you sure you
want him to go to him?
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261. - He's getting 600 bucks?
- A month.
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262. Wait, what are they saying?
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263. She's saying possibly he could
get money for keeping him.
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264. I think I can
work something out.
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265. I think that if Irving was to
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266. bring him here to Raleigh,
I could take the kid.
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267. And then if it
didn't work out...
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268. 600 bucks a month
will make it work for me.
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269. So...
And that isn't guaranteed,
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270. what she just said.
It's something
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271. - you would have to investigate.
- No, no, it's guaranteed.
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272. She's always right.
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273. It's a done deal, man.
Drop him off.
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274. All right,
2:00 on Sunday.
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275. 2:00 p.m. Sunday.
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276. Great, man. Great. Great.
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277. There goes like
half my inventory.
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278. What a wonderful business
you have.
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279. Okay. Chuck,
what's your last name?
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280. Muskie.
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281. - M-U-S-K-I-E.
- M... Okay.
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282. D-O-U-C-H-E is
how you spell it.
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283. Yeah. That's right.
F-A-G-O-T is your last name.
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284. Your son's right here,
if you don't mind.
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285. Bye, A-S-S-O-L-E.
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286. Shitbird, dummy butt.
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287. Let's just...
Let's just walk away.
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288. Suck it.
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289. "Suck it," that's nice.
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290. Suck a bowl of dicks.
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291. Bye, Dad.
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292. Bye, Billy!
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293. Bye.
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294. Hey, Billy, let me show you
what you're going to do
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295. if somebody comes
at you with a knife.
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296. Come here.
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297. Have any of those baskets down
here that you have outside?
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298. I don't think so.
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299. You don't think so.
You don't know?
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300. Don't interrupt,
grandpa, I'm busy.
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301. So if a guy comes
at you with a knife...
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302. You don't care about a sale?
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303. Yeah, I care about a sale.
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304. But I'm trying to teach my
grandson about knife fights.
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305. And you keep
yapping. Jesus.
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306. - Good attitude to have.
- Yeah, keep walking, gramps.
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307. Okay, now, if a guy comes
at you in a knife fight.
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308. Like, come at me,
I'll show you what you do.
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309. That's all you gotta do.
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310. You take it and you stick
it right in their thigh.
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311. And then they
can't run after you.
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312. You young ladies in the
market for a nice bed?
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313. - No.
- Seventy-five dollars.
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314. What's special about it?
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315. It's got that
special vibrating feature.
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316. You know what I'm saying?
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317. You want to see how it works?
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318. No, thanks, honey.
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319. My wife and I only had it two weeks
before she went in the hospital.
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320. Oh, I'm so sorry.
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321. That's okay, that's okay.
It's barely been used.
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322. - Yeah.
- And she passed away.
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323. - Oh, dear. That's very sad.
- Yeah.
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324. Well, it's not so sad, she
was kind of a bitch, but...
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325. Jeez!
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326. My goodness!
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327. Well, gotta
call a spade a spade.
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328. Well, there goes
the troublemaker.
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329. Well, what kind of
attitude is that?
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330. - Same type you have.
- Same kind of 'tude you got.
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331. - Same type you have.
- Wow.
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332. Mr. and Mrs. Happy.
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333. How much is this?
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334. Is there a price tag on it?
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335. I don't... There's a...
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336. That's one of my
wife's favorite lamps.
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337. - It's very pretty.
- Yes.
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338. She died of, uh...
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339. Vagitosis.
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340. It's kind of like bad breath,
but the vagina.
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341. It wasn't
the main cause, but...
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342. - It didn't help.
- Yeah.
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343. That's...
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344. Ma'am,
will you buy that please?
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345. No, thank you. I don't
need it, I have one.
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346. Ma'am, how do you explain what a
cockblock is to an eight-year-old?
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347. Can you help me explain that? 'Cause that's
what's sitting there is a little cockblock.
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348. No, he's not.
Don't listen to her.
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349. He's a good boy.
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350. If you like him so damn much,
you take him.
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351. Do you like this chair?
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352. That is pretty cool.
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353. It's only $25.
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354. Wow. That's nice.
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355. This bed's going for
a pretty good price.
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356. I'd like to lay down
and take a nap myself.
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357. - I'm tired all the time.
- Yeah.
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358. Is it one of those ones
that adjusts?
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359. Yes, ma'am, it's really good.
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360. It's one of those that kind of
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361. sit up while
you're watching TV.
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362. Here, try, uh... I'll, uh...
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363. Try to adjust it a little.
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364. Whoa!
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365. Whoa, stop!
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366. Oh, my God!
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367. Whoa, stop. Oh, my God!
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368. Stop, stop! Whoa, stop!
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369. Unplug it!
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370. Oh, my God! What are you
trying to do to me?
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371. All I did was push
the little button!
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372. Oh, God! Put it down!
Put it... Cramp! Cramp!
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373. Ah!
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374. It's unplugged!
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375. Oh.
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376. It's unplugged,
I pulled the plug.
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377. Oh, my God.
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378. Unplug that thing
over there, please.
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379. I'm getting off.
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380. Oh. Oh, God.
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381. - Let Grandpa sit.
- I pushed the little button.
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382. He told me to push the button.
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383. Let Grandpa sit.
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384. I think I'm going to have
a heart attack. I really do.
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385. Well, let's not make this
all about you, honey.
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386. Oh, no, no, I'm telling her.
I'm not making it...
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387. Look...
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388. Just calm down. It's okay.
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389. My breathing won't come back.
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390. You can have the bed for $50.
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391. No, I don't want that bed.
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392. Coming!
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393. Hey, sir, how are you?
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394. Do you have a bed
we're supposed to pick up?
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395. - Right this way.
- Alrighty.
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396. My name's Irving,
what's your name?
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397. Tom.
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398. Tom. How are you,
Tom? Come on in.
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399. This is my grandson, Billy.
Copy !req
400. - Hi, Billy. How are you?
- Hi.
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401. - What's your name, sir?
- I'm James.
Copy !req
402. James. How are you, James?
Come on in. We're back here.
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403. And, um... My wife just passed
away a couple days ago
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404. and the damn funeral home
had a little misunderstanding.
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405. Like, you know what, "We'll
just take her right back."
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406. We want to get her in
my trunk, because we're gonna
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407. bury her down south a ways.
If you could help me to my car
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408. I would really appreciate it.
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409. Let me just...
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410. Okay, um...
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411. Just wrap her up.
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412. I think it'll be easiest
if you just pull like that.
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413. Yeah. She was a pain in my ass
when we were married
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414. and she passed away, she's
still being a pain in my ass.
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415. Just grab that right there.
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416. James, will you get the head?
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417. Be gentle with her.
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418. Here you go, James.
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419. - Here you go.
- Lord have mercy. Jesus.
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420. There you go.
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421. Don't let her fall
out of there, James.
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422. Get a good hold on her.
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423. Oh, man. We're, uh...
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424. We got to get this
little boy to his father.
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425. His mom just got
thrown in jail.
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426. My mom's on drugs.
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427. Lord have mercy!
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428. Thank you, boys.
I couldn't carry her myself.
Copy !req
429. Just put her right in there.
Copy !req
430. And, uh, we got blankets
to keep her warm.
Copy !req
431. All right, be careful with her.
Copy !req
432. All right.
Copy !req
433. Thank you. Thank you, James.
Copy !req
434. Come here, Billy.
Copy !req
435. Grab his hand.
Can we say a prayer?
Copy !req
436. Lord, please look
after Billy and I
Copy !req
437. on our journey with Ellie.
Copy !req
438. And Lord, please look after
these men because
Copy !req
439. they were very sweet
Copy !req
440. and they're also accomplices
to probably what was
Copy !req
441. technically a crime, but...
Copy !req
442. We're not gonna say anything.
Copy !req
443. Come on, man!
Are you serious?
Copy !req
444. In your name we pray. Amen.
Copy !req
445. Amen.
Copy !req
446. All right.
Copy !req
447. Let me ask you a question,
is the bed really going?
Copy !req
448. No, no.
I just needed help with her.
Copy !req
449. Oh.
Copy !req
450. But no one's going
to come out...
Copy !req
451. No one's going to come out
to help if you say,
Copy !req
452. "Can you come help me commit
a crime?"
Copy !req
453. No one's gonna help. So...
Copy !req
454. We, uh... That's why we
had to tell a little fib.
Copy !req
455. But we surely appreciate it.
And our lips are sealed.
Copy !req
456. - Later.
- Thank the men.
Copy !req
457. See you, Billy.
Copy !req
458. - Thank you.
- Thank you, fellas!
Copy !req
459. See you later.
Copy !req
460. God bless you. God bless you, James.
Thank you!
Copy !req
461. Thanks for the crime!
Copy !req
462. Now get your crap.
We got to hit the road.
Copy !req
463. All right.
Copy !req
464. Grandpa, do you think we'll
have time to go fishing?
Copy !req
465. Don't worry me with that.
Just get in the damn car.
Copy !req
466. I hope you went
to the bathroom already.
Copy !req
467. - Nope.
- "Nope"?
Copy !req
468. Well, you're gonna
have to hold it.
Copy !req
469. Can I turn on the AC?
Copy !req
470. No.
Copy !req
471. Can I turn on the radio?
Copy !req
472. No!
Copy !req
473. Let's just play the quiet game.
Copy !req
474. Can we get something to eat?
Copy !req
475. You're already eating.
Copy !req
476. But I'm hungry!
Copy !req
477. Whatever.
Copy !req
478. Anything to get
out of this car.
Copy !req
479. Hola, gorgeous! I gotta
feed this little prick.
Copy !req
480. Ooh, she is muy bonita, huh?
My goodness!
Copy !req
481. Grandpa, look at
that ride! Can I go ride it?
Copy !req
482. - What?
- Can I go ride that?
Copy !req
483. Yes. Shit.
Copy !req
484. Scram.
Copy !req
485. Thank you.
Copy !req
486. Ah. What's your name?
Copy !req
487. Gloria.
Copy !req
488. My Spanish name
is El Mucho Ding-Dong.
Copy !req
489. It doesn't work!
Copy !req
490. Oh, God.
Copy !req
491. - Grandpa!
- What?
Copy !req
492. This thing doesn't work!
Copy !req
493. What do you want me
to do about it?
Copy !req
494. Fix it!
Copy !req
495. Can't you see
I was talking to a lady?
Copy !req
496. Yes, but look!
Copy !req
497. Did you put money in there?
God.
Copy !req
498. Try it. It doesn't work.
Copy !req
499. Oh, God!
Copy !req
500. God!
Copy !req
501. Ow.
Copy !req
502. Oh, man.
Copy !req
503. Damn thing's broke.
Copy !req
504. - Come on.
- You put in 50 cents.
Copy !req
505. Nothing!
Copy !req
506. Oh! Ow! Ah!
Copy !req
507. Sit down, sit down.
Copy !req
508. Ah!
Copy !req
509. - Oh, I'm all right!
- Sit down, sir.
Copy !req
510. Sit, sit, sit!
Copy !req
511. Are you okay, Grandpa?
Copy !req
512. Look what happened!
Copy !req
513. Jesus!
Copy !req
514. It didn't work!
Copy !req
515. Why'd you tell me
to get in there?
Copy !req
516. - No, it's not.
- Yes, I shouldn't have even been on there.
Copy !req
517. You ruined the store.
Copy !req
518. Why'd you tell me
to get in there?
Copy !req
519. 'Cause I wanted you to fix it.
Copy !req
520. Well, it's fixed!
Copy !req
521. Sir, would you
please listen to me?
Copy !req
522. I want you to sit down
on a cushion until...
Copy !req
523. I want the ambulance
to check you out.
Copy !req
524. Listen, it is not your fault.
Copy !req
525. You are not over that weight limit.
Do you understand?
Copy !req
526. What weight limit?
Copy !req
527. There's no weight limit
on that thing.
Copy !req
528. Hey, I don't have a weight limit either.
If you know what I mean.
Copy !req
529. Unbelievable!
You could have broke my neck!
Copy !req
530. I didn't do anything!
Copy !req
531. I can't do it. I can't do it.
Copy !req
532. - Do what?
- This!
Copy !req
533. I can't do this.
Copy !req
534. I said I'd get you
to your father's,
Copy !req
535. but I didn't say how.
Copy !req
536. Grandpa,
my leg's falling asleep!
Copy !req
537. Look, you little shitbird,
I'm not driving you
Copy !req
538. and you're too young
to ride the bus,
Copy !req
539. so you keep quiet in there!
Copy !req
540. You need some help?
Copy !req
541. - I think I got it.
- Okay.
Copy !req
542. - Oh, my goodness.
- Okay.
Copy !req
543. - Here we go.
- Okay.
Copy !req
544. I'm going to send this
to Raleigh, North Carolina.
Copy !req
545. Raleigh? Okay.
Copy !req
546. Eighteen width.
Copy !req
547. Uh...
Copy !req
548. - Forty-seven?
- Forty-seven.
Copy !req
549. - Forty-seven.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
550. - Damn it.
- Okay.
Copy !req
551. Oh, there's something
moving around in there.
Copy !req
552. Really?
Copy !req
553. - No. No.
- No?
Copy !req
554. There's something in that box!
Copy !req
555. No.
Copy !req
556. There's nothing in the box?
It sounds like it!
Copy !req
557. I do hear stuff in here, but
it's not coming from there.
Copy !req
558. - Okay. Can we unstrap it?
- You mind if we unstrap it?
Copy !req
559. Yes... No, let's unstrap it.
Copy !req
560. Okay.
Copy !req
561. Grandpa, I got to pee.
Copy !req
562. What...
Copy !req
563. Keep it down.
Copy !req
564. It's a statue.
I have a statue in there.
Copy !req
565. It still has batteries in it
or something?
Copy !req
566. Yes, it has the batteries
in it still.
Copy !req
567. Okay. Okay.
Copy !req
568. Yeah, it's just one
of those kind
Copy !req
569. that you hit a button and it...
Copy !req
570. So we shook it.
Copy !req
571. Yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
572. Grandpa, I got to pee real bad.
Copy !req
573. It's a statue.
Copy !req
574. Are you sure?
Copy !req
575. It was settling.
It was settling.
Copy !req
576. Okay. All right.
Copy !req
577. Can we get it weighed?
Because I gotta...
Copy !req
578. You gotta get out?
Copy !req
579. Yes, and I appreciate
you girls...
Copy !req
580. Would you...
Copy !req
581. God, what are you doing?
Copy !req
582. We were shipping a human being!
Copy !req
583. Oh, my.
Copy !req
584. Oh, my!
Copy !req
585. We can't ship humans.
Copy !req
586. I'm trying to get him
to his father,
Copy !req
587. and I don't want to drive him.
Copy !req
588. Oh, my goodness!
Copy !req
589. - What's your name?
- Billy.
Copy !req
590. - You've had Billy for the school year?
- No, no.
Copy !req
591. - And he's going back for the summer?
- I just got him today.
Copy !req
592. - And you already want to send him back?
- You got him today!
Copy !req
593. Yeah, my wife passed.
Copy !req
594. - Aw! I'm sorry to hear it.
- Your grandmother?
Copy !req
595. Did he love Grandma?
Copy !req
596. - No.
- He didn't?
Copy !req
597. If you'd have met her,
you'd have felt the same way.
Copy !req
598. You think she died of
a broken heart?
Copy !req
599. - Heart attack.
- Well, I can tell you what she didn't die of.
Copy !req
600. Oh, my.
Copy !req
601. It'll get there overnight.
Copy !req
602. You know that they're
just gonna be
Copy !req
603. throwing you around
and everything, don't you?
Copy !req
604. Well, give me a pen and
we'll write "fragile" on it.
Copy !req
605. Are you sure
you want to do this?
Copy !req
606. You need a blanket?
Copy !req
607. - We can't ship a human!
- I'll take one.
Copy !req
608. You can if you didn't know
this happened.
Copy !req
609. I can't ship you.
You're... You're living!
Copy !req
610. Should we call the police
on them?
Copy !req
611. Oh, no! No police.
Copy !req
612. Just help me get him out of the box.
I'll take him.
Copy !req
613. Shit! Come on.
Copy !req
614. Been in this car all damn day!
Copy !req
615. I need a break.
Copy !req
616. Where are we going?
Copy !req
617. Grandpa's going
to play a little bingo.
Copy !req
618. - Can I come?
- No!
Copy !req
619. Look. They don't allow kids
Copy !req
620. and I'm going to be talking
to ladies in there.
Copy !req
621. And I don't need you
cockblocking.
Copy !req
622. G-51.
Copy !req
623. N-42.
Copy !req
624. G-60.
Copy !req
625. It's been a while
since I've played.
Copy !req
626. Nice to meet you, ma'am.
Good luck.
Copy !req
627. - Good luck.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
628. - My name is O.Z.
- O.Z.!
Copy !req
629. - O.Z.
- All right!
Copy !req
630. Can I cheat off you?
Copy !req
631. B-2.
Copy !req
632. G-46.
Copy !req
633. O.Z., what do you say
we blow this joint
Copy !req
634. and go play
strip bingo outside?
Copy !req
635. Stop it.
Copy !req
636. That damn dauber's not...
Oh.
Copy !req
637. God damn it.
Done spilled everywhere.
Copy !req
638. N-62.
Copy !req
639. Stop the game. Stop!
Copy !req
640. Oh, my gosh!
Copy !req
641. Oh.
Copy !req
642. I think this shit's
done gone bad.
Copy !req
643. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
644. He just drunk the dauber shit.
Copy !req
645. Oh, man! You can't do that!
Copy !req
646. Hell, no!
Copy !req
647. Yuck.
Copy !req
648. Stop.
Copy !req
649. Stop!
Copy !req
650. Stop? Hell, keep going!
Copy !req
651. You're making everybody sick.
Copy !req
652. No, come on, come on!
Copy !req
653. Let's go back
to the damn game, all right?
Copy !req
654. God damn! You guys
are driving me to drink!
Copy !req
655. I need a drink.
Copy !req
656. I got a damn margarita!
Who wants a margarita?
Copy !req
657. O.Z., half of this is for you.
Copy !req
658. How about a little fun, people?
Copy !req
659. Excuse me? Sir?
Can you tie my shoe, please?
Copy !req
660. Yeah, sure.
Copy !req
661. - Are you married?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
662. Are you happily married?
Copy !req
663. Yeah, I guess so.
Copy !req
664. Why do you ask?
Copy !req
665. I want a new dad.
Copy !req
666. Oh, do you? Yeah, sorry.
Copy !req
667. What's your name?
Copy !req
668. Dan.
Copy !req
669. Hey, Dan, I got an idea.
Copy !req
670. How about me
being your new kid?
Copy !req
671. Um...
Copy !req
672. I don't know if it's really
quite that simple.
Copy !req
673. You know,
you can't really, uh...
Copy !req
674. Why?
Copy !req
675. You can't really trade kids
between families, can you?
Copy !req
676. Sure you can, Dad.
Copy !req
677. You know, when I was overseas,
Copy !req
678. when you would sleep with
a prostitute, they would
Copy !req
679. squeeze lime juice
on your schmeckle
Copy !req
680. to see if you had any diseases.
Copy !req
681. And if you went, "Ow!"
Copy !req
682. It means you got something,
'cause the cuts burn.
Copy !req
683. I never went, "Ow!"
But one time.
Copy !req
684. It's all cleared up now,
though.
Copy !req
685. Ma'am, it's all cleared up.
Copy !req
686. - Oh, okay.
- All right.
Copy !req
687. Just to prove to you I don't
have anything, ladies,
Copy !req
688. I'm gonna squeeze
this lime juice
Copy !req
689. on my schmeckle right now.
Copy !req
690. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
691. Okay.
Copy !req
692. Why resist? Watch this.
Here it goes. Here it goes!
Copy !req
693. Nothing. Nothing.
Copy !req
694. - I got nothing.
- That is free advertising right there.
Copy !req
695. It did sting a little when
it got to my bunghole though,
Copy !req
696. I'll tell you that.
Copy !req
697. That's just between us girls.
Copy !req
698. I'm gonna have to
have that checked out.
Copy !req
699. G-37.
Copy !req
700. Bingo!
Copy !req
701. Ha ha! Bingo!
Copy !req
702. Bingo!
Copy !req
703. Can someone check that
bingo for me, please?
Copy !req
704. You hush. You hush.
Copy !req
705. You hush, too.
Copy !req
706. No, I won't. I'm a grown man.
I can talk. I can talk.
Copy !req
707. I can talk.
Copy !req
708. Tattletales.
Copy !req
709. The bingo is not possible because we
have no N, so we will keep playing.
Copy !req
710. Well, shit!
Copy !req
711. G-53.
Copy !req
712. What happened to your dad?
Copy !req
713. Hey, Dad.
Copy !req
714. Yeah, what happened to him?
Copy !req
715. - No, you're my dad.
- Hmm?
Copy !req
716. High five, Dad.
Copy !req
717. Down low. Too slow.
Copy !req
718. Who are you here with?
Copy !req
719. You. My new dad.
Copy !req
720. Well, I'm not your new dad.
But...
Copy !req
721. You're funny.
Copy !req
722. Um...
Copy !req
723. Hey, Dad,
look at me in the eye.
Copy !req
724. Like...
Copy !req
725. I love you.
Copy !req
726. Anyway, I need to, uh...
Copy !req
727. I got stuff I have to do,
so, uh... Be safe.
Copy !req
728. Love you, Dad!
Copy !req
729. Oh, here she is!
Copy !req
730. Here I am.
You want to buy some 22s?
Copy !req
731. - What are 22s?
- You wish you was 22.
Copy !req
732. They look like 36Ds to me.
Copy !req
733. No.
Copy !req
734. No? 36 full Cs.
Copy !req
735. 22s, that's what they are!
Copy !req
736. Can I use your pen?
Copy !req
737. Yes, you may, sweetheart.
Copy !req
738. All right! How you doing?
Copy !req
739. Okay.
Copy !req
740. You know, you're pretty sexy.
Copy !req
741. Thank you.
Copy !req
742. I mean really sexy.
Copy !req
743. I...
Copy !req
744. I have to take this up there.
Copy !req
745. All right.
Copy !req
746. What's your name, sweetheart?
Copy !req
747. I'm getting froze out.
Copy !req
748. Did you win any money at bingo?
Copy !req
749. No.
Copy !req
750. You shouldn't drink so much.
Copy !req
751. Pipe down!
Copy !req
752. Oh, God.
Copy !req
753. Do you have any idea
how heavy you are?
Copy !req
754. Do you have any idea
how I don't give a shit?
Copy !req
755. Where are we going?
Copy !req
756. Just keep going straight.
Copy !req
757. - You getting tired?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
758. Are you an alcoholic?
Copy !req
759. No, I'm not an alcoholic.
Copy !req
760. I wouldn't be surprised
if you are.
Copy !req
761. Just had a couple too many.
Copy !req
762. Onward! Onward!
Copy !req
763. Oh, let's get something to eat.
Copy !req
764. Make a left.
Copy !req
765. Okay. Go here! No, Billy!
Copy !req
766. It's heavy.
Copy !req
767. No, push me this way.
Push me this way.
Copy !req
768. Lisa! Lisa, come
look at this.
Copy !req
769. He's drunk,
and he's drinking beer.
Copy !req
770. Oh, he got a six-pack.
Copy !req
771. - Push me.
- Oh.
Copy !req
772. Hello?
Copy !req
773. We'd like some food.
Copy !req
774. Okay, what you need?
Copy !req
775. Chickens.
Copy !req
776. Chicken breast.
Copy !req
777. Any kind of breast.
Copy !req
778. Sir, you need some help?
Copy !req
779. Yes, I need some service!
Copy !req
780. Okay, well, you got to...
We'll get you served,
Copy !req
781. I need to push you over here.
We'll bring it out to you.
Copy !req
782. Need to get you away from here.
Copy !req
783. Let me push you over
to the side, okay?
Copy !req
784. Can you let go
of the thing there?
Copy !req
785. I'll push you over to the side.
Copy !req
786. - Okay, but...
- What do you want?
Copy !req
787. Do you guys serve beers?
Copy !req
788. No, we don't serve beer.
Copy !req
789. How about whiskey?
Copy !req
790. Um, no, we don't have
whiskey, either.
Copy !req
791. Sir, what do you have that's
good in there for a hangover?
Copy !req
792. To eat? I mean, greasy food
is always good.
Copy !req
793. But a hangover? Sleep.
He got to sleep it off.
Copy !req
794. Man, that girl
working the window,
Copy !req
795. she was nice-looking.
Copy !req
796. - She's nice-looking?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
797. Well, you just chill out here
for a minute.
Copy !req
798. We're gonna see
if we can get you some help.
Copy !req
799. Okay, we need some chickens
Copy !req
800. and a big side of poontang.
Copy !req
801. The poontang?
There's some inside.
Copy !req
802. Well, I want some to go.
Go hook that up.
Copy !req
803. He's stuck on Lisa.
Copy !req
804. That's what he want.
Copy !req
805. - Black bush gal?
- Lisa!
Copy !req
806. He said he wanted poontang.
Copy !req
807. He'll hook you up!
Copy !req
808. What? No, he don't.
Copy !req
809. Excuse me, honey.
Copy !req
810. That's what he's hollering.
Copy !req
811. That's what he wants, Lisa.
Copy !req
812. Honest to God, strike me dead.
Copy !req
813. Lisa, that man is 80 years old.
Copy !req
814. I turned around and I said,
Copy !req
815. "Did he say what
I thought he just said?"
Copy !req
816. You better go out there.
Copy !req
817. He is 80 years old
in a shopping cart.
Copy !req
818. Cut the man a break.
Copy !req
819. Siempre avante.
Know what that means?
Copy !req
820. No.
Copy !req
821. Onward and forward.
Copy !req
822. You know, rubber on wheel
is faster than rubber on heel.
Copy !req
823. That's what Lightnin' Hopkins
says.
Copy !req
824. You know who
Lightnin' Hopkins is?
Copy !req
825. No.
Copy !req
826. What about Komodo dragons?
You know what those are?
Copy !req
827. No.
Copy !req
828. You don't know
who Johnny Cash is?
Copy !req
829. No.
Copy !req
830. Ask me what
the secret of comedy is.
Copy !req
831. What is...
Copy !req
832. Timing! Get it?
Copy !req
833. What?
Copy !req
834. That's not funny?
Copy !req
835. No.
Copy !req
836. Ugh. Tough room.
Copy !req
837. I love this song!
Copy !req
838. Uh, you're kind of...
Copy !req
839. Weird.
Copy !req
840. Dirty bastard!
Copy !req
841. Oh...
Copy !req
842. You okay?
Copy !req
843. Oh, God.
Copy !req
844. Oh...
Copy !req
845. You all right, Grandpa?
Copy !req
846. Yeah, I'm all right.
Copy !req
847. Caught me right in the puss!
Copy !req
848. You want some ice?
Copy !req
849. You need me to get
some ice for you?
Copy !req
850. Yeah, maybe some ice.
Copy !req
851. My damn wife put these
in here and it...
Copy !req
852. Ow!
Copy !req
853. Did you see the tuchas
on that one?
Copy !req
854. Ow!
Copy !req
855. Should I get a basket?
Copy !req
856. No. We ain't gonna need one.
Copy !req
857. You like white bread?
Copy !req
858. Yep.
Copy !req
859. Good.
Copy !req
860. Um... What are you doing?
Copy !req
861. Just go with it.
Copy !req
862. Are we going to get
in trouble for this?
Copy !req
863. No. If someone says anything,
just tell them
Copy !req
864. that your grandpa's old and
doesn't know what he's doing.
Copy !req
865. Ooh. You want turkey or ham?
Copy !req
866. Ham.
Copy !req
867. Ham?
Copy !req
868. All right.
Copy !req
869. Here.
Copy !req
870. Get you a lot.
Copy !req
871. Let's get some damn mustard.
Copy !req
872. Here.
Copy !req
873. - That's a lot of mustard.
- Eat it!
Copy !req
874. Mmm.
Copy !req
875. So I eat it quick,
so we don't get caught.
Copy !req
876. Sir.
Copy !req
877. What's going on?
Copy !req
878. - What's going on?
- Yes.
Copy !req
879. You eating everything here.
Copy !req
880. - You don't pay yet.
- Huh?
Copy !req
881. You eating things here in
the store and don't pay yet.
Copy !req
882. - So he took that one.
- Please don't get mad.
Copy !req
883. Huh?
Copy !req
884. He took this.
Copy !req
885. - And you put it there.
- No.
Copy !req
886. Yes, I saw.
It's in the camera.
Copy !req
887. No.
Copy !req
888. Okay.
Copy !req
889. Please don't get mad
at my grandpa.
Copy !req
890. He's old and he doesn't
know what he's doing.
Copy !req
891. What's going on?
Copy !req
892. Where am I?
Copy !req
893. You know what he's doing, baby.
Copy !req
894. You know what he doing
and you doing it with him.
Copy !req
895. Sometimes he shits himself.
Copy !req
896. No. You took that one.
Copy !req
897. And sometimes he sits in it
like a baby.
Copy !req
898. I don't shit myself,
you little prick.
Copy !req
899. - Sometimes he pisses the bed.
- Okay, you opened these...
Copy !req
900. - Do not!
- Do, too!
Copy !req
901. - Do not!
- Do, too!
Copy !req
902. - Do not!
- You opened the ham
Copy !req
903. and you don't pay.
Copy !req
904. - Can I have his...
- Close the doors.
Copy !req
905. I'm gonna call the police.
Copy !req
906. Can he have his chocolate milk
back, please, ma'am?
Copy !req
907. Ugh.
Copy !req
908. They won't notice a thing.
Copy !req
909. That's how it looks most
of the time anyway. Come on.
Copy !req
910. Come on.
Copy !req
911. Let's go quick.
Let's go quick.
Copy !req
912. Come on. Let's go this way.
Copy !req
913. Oh! Uh...
Copy !req
914. Thank you!
Copy !req
915. Get the hats! Get the hats!
Copy !req
916. Come on, come on!
Copy !req
917. Come on!
Copy !req
918. - What are y'all doing?
- Whoa, whoa!
Copy !req
919. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Copy !req
920. - It was $3.99!
- Stop!
Copy !req
921. Yeah. Come on!
Copy !req
922. You're not going anywhere!
Copy !req
923. Leave us alone!
Leave us alone!
Copy !req
924. No. You're not going anywhere.
Copy !req
925. Hey, Billy, get in!
Start it up!
Copy !req
926. They're going to take
that child away from you.
Copy !req
927. I wish they would!
Copy !req
928. - Get back inside!
- I'm sorry.
Copy !req
929. Get your ass inside!
Copy !req
930. Ma'am, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
931. You are sorry!
You're sorry as hell!
Copy !req
932. No, I'm not gonna...
Copy !req
933. You're eating what you stole!
Copy !req
934. What am I supposed
to do with it?
Copy !req
935. You buy it!
Copy !req
936. - You pay for it.
- If I had money, I would.
Copy !req
937. You had enough money
to come in here
Copy !req
938. and the audacity to try
to steal from me.
Copy !req
939. These are
pretty good, by the way.
Copy !req
940. I don't give a shit.
Copy !req
941. I ought to stuff it down
your damn throat.
Copy !req
942. You're very pretty
when you're mad.
Copy !req
943. You're pissing me off!
Copy !req
944. You're very lovely
when you're mad.
Copy !req
945. You're pissing me off.
Copy !req
946. All right, come on.
Copy !req
947. Hi.
Copy !req
948. All right.
Copy !req
949. - Okay.
- Ow!
Copy !req
950. I got her.
Copy !req
951. Ah, Jesus...
Copy !req
952. Here we go. Oh! Jesus.
Copy !req
953. It's all right.
She's already dead.
Copy !req
954. What?
Copy !req
955. Yeah, she died a few days ago.
Copy !req
956. We're just bringing her in
'cause it's respectful.
Copy !req
957. Don't want to leave her
in the trunk.
Copy !req
958. All right.
Copy !req
959. Oh! Get in there!
Copy !req
960. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
961. Grandpa's going out for
a walk. You stay in the room.
Copy !req
962. See you later, old man.
Copy !req
963. Stay in there, damn it.
Copy !req
964. My grandson.
Copy !req
965. Hey, you don't know
where any, uh,
Copy !req
966. like, dance clubs or anything
like that are?
Copy !req
967. Like, with lots
of, uh, black ladies.
Copy !req
968. Oh, there's one on, um...
Copy !req
969. Richard Boulevard.
Copy !req
970. - Yeah?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
971. I'm really fond
Copy !req
972. - of the black ladies.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
973. Yeah. They used to call me
Jizzy Gillespie
Copy !req
974. - when I was younger.
- Oh, yeah?
Copy !req
975. Hey, get in the room!
Copy !req
976. Hello. How are you?
Copy !req
977. Hello, ladies!
Copy !req
978. Hey, grandpa, how you doing?
Copy !req
979. Good! How you doing, baby?
Copy !req
980. All right!
Copy !req
981. Wow.
Copy !req
982. Hi, sweetheart.
Wow, you are nice-looking!
Copy !req
983. Thank you!
Copy !req
984. Can I get a Colt 45, please?
Copy !req
985. That thing's about like that!
Copy !req
986. Hey, big boy! Is this one of
them stripteaser shows?
Copy !req
987. That's perfect,
Copy !req
988. because I like to catch these
women when they're soggy.
Copy !req
989. So you boys do
a good job tonight,
Copy !req
990. - all right?
- Okay.
Copy !req
991. Get them all hot and bothered,
Copy !req
992. and I'm gonna try to swoop in
Copy !req
993. - and get me a little.
- Okay, okay.
Copy !req
994. Are you one of them dancers?
Copy !req
995. Yeah, I am.
Copy !req
996. I bet you got a pretty
big Tootsie Roll, huh?
Copy !req
997. What?
Copy !req
998. Get the fuck away from me, man.
Copy !req
999. But I mean,
if you're a dancer...
Copy !req
1000. I'm sorry, I was just...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1001. How are you ladies
doing down here?
Copy !req
1002. Fine. How are you?
Copy !req
1003. Good, good. I came here alone,
Copy !req
1004. so I'm sorry
if I'm bothering you.
Copy !req
1005. What made you come in here?
Copy !req
1006. I don't know. I was walking,
Copy !req
1007. - uh, down the street...
- Walking?
Copy !req
1008. You weren't walking nowhere!
Copy !req
1009. What you gonna do,
watch it or watch us?
Copy !req
1010. I came to watch you girls.
Copy !req
1011. You ladies are gonna
get all worked up,
Copy !req
1012. and then hopefully old Irving
can swoop in there.
Copy !req
1013. What's your name?
Copy !req
1014. Irving.
Copy !req
1015. Maybe some of these ladies
will want a serving of Irving,
Copy !req
1016. if you know what I'm saying.
Copy !req
1017. That's right. Thank you.
Thank you, mama!
Copy !req
1018. If you're ready
for the next entertainer,
Copy !req
1019. everybody say, "I am!"
Copy !req
1020. I am!
Copy !req
1021. I love chocolate!
Copy !req
1022. He's harder than a horseshoe!
Copy !req
1023. I'm pretty loose right now,
Copy !req
1024. but I could probably
get it going.
Copy !req
1025. We want to see yours. We want
you to walk the red carpet.
Copy !req
1026. You want to see mine?
Copy !req
1027. Walk the red carpet.
Copy !req
1028. I'll show her mine right now!
Copy !req
1029. We're gonna make it
rain. Walk the red carpet.
Copy !req
1030. I'm gonna go... I'm going
to walk the red carpet.
Copy !req
1031. Yeah, I'm gonna shake it!
Copy !req
1032. I don't know what
the fuck is going on.
Copy !req
1033. Oh, oh...
Copy !req
1034. What?
Copy !req
1035. Excuse me?
Have you seen my grandpa?
Copy !req
1036. Your grandpa?
Copy !req
1037. I think he's lost.
He's kind of an idiot.
Copy !req
1038. Why is he an idiot?
Copy !req
1039. 'Cause he's lost, duh.
Copy !req
1040. Does he have a cell phone?
Copy !req
1041. He's probably drunk right now.
Copy !req
1042. He went to a strip club
last night.
Copy !req
1043. I don't know what to tell you,
son. Oh, gosh.
Copy !req
1044. Excuse me? Excuse me?
Copy !req
1045. Screw you.
Copy !req
1046. Who you looking for?
Copy !req
1047. I'm looking for my grandpa.
Copy !req
1048. Your grandpa's not here.
Copy !req
1049. Is he in the Champagne Room?
Copy !req
1050. There's nobody in there.
Copy !req
1051. - Let me check.
- No.
Copy !req
1052. Let me just go check.
Copy !req
1053. I told you.
Copy !req
1054. He's like, persistent.
He wants to go in there.
Copy !req
1055. And he's talking about
having a great time
Copy !req
1056. in the Champagne Room
like, he's like, 21.
Copy !req
1057. What's up?
Copy !req
1058. - Is this an adult bookstore?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1059. Is my grandpa in here?
Copy !req
1060. No.
Copy !req
1061. Is there somebody, like...
Copy !req
1062. Is somebody, like,
watching you or something?
Copy !req
1063. No.
Copy !req
1064. Did you get that shirt
at Tramps R Us?
Copy !req
1065. What?
Copy !req
1066. Did you get that shirt
at Tramps R Us?
Copy !req
1067. - No.
- Oh.
Copy !req
1068. - How old are you?
- Eight.
Copy !req
1069. What's your name?
Copy !req
1070. Billy.
Copy !req
1071. When did you get here?
Copy !req
1072. You're asking a lot
of questions for a stripper.
Copy !req
1073. - What's your stage name?
- What?
Copy !req
1074. What's your stripper
stage name?
Copy !req
1075. I don't have a stage name.
I'm not a stripper.
Copy !req
1076. I'll just call you Cinnamon.
Copy !req
1077. - Cinnamon?
- What?
Copy !req
1078. I look like a stripper?
Copy !req
1079. Yeah. In a good way.
Copy !req
1080. - In a good way?
- Oh, my...
Copy !req
1081. Why don't you wait on me
and I'm gonna come, like,
Copy !req
1082. take you to whatever
hotel you're at?
Copy !req
1083. You don't need to be
out here by yourself.
Copy !req
1084. You're gonna, like, get hurt.
Copy !req
1085. There's a bunch
of crazy people out here.
Copy !req
1086. Apparently,
your grandpa's one of them.
Copy !req
1087. Bye, Cinnamon. I got to go.
Copy !req
1088. No. And I'm not Cinnamon!
Copy !req
1089. How you doing?
Copy !req
1090. Rough night.
Copy !req
1091. Grandpa!
Where have you been?
Copy !req
1092. Not now.
Copy !req
1093. I've been worried!
Copy !req
1094. What're we gonna do
with Grandma's body?
Copy !req
1095. I don't know, buddy.
Copy !req
1096. We met with someone
to discuss that,
Copy !req
1097. but your grandma,
Copy !req
1098. she wasn't very cooperative
that day.
Copy !req
1099. Just said some nonsense about
Copy !req
1100. throw her off a bridge
for all she cares.
Copy !req
1101. You know what a woman likes?
Copy !req
1102. A new fishing rod?
Copy !req
1103. No.
Copy !req
1104. Magic!
Copy !req
1105. I can prove it.
You want to see?
Copy !req
1106. - Sure.
- All right.
Copy !req
1107. Hello, ma'am. You wouldn't
flatter an old man
Copy !req
1108. by watching him do
a magic trick, would you?
Copy !req
1109. Oh... That's good. All right,
keep your eye on the...
Copy !req
1110. I'm going to make it disappear.
Copy !req
1111. No charge, either.
Copy !req
1112. Okay.
Copy !req
1113. 'Cause I don't have any money.
Copy !req
1114. There we go! Where'd it go?
Copy !req
1115. - In your sleeve?
- No.
Copy !req
1116. - What's that on your thumb?
- What?
Copy !req
1117. Look.
Copy !req
1118. Will you give me that?
Copy !req
1119. Ah.
Copy !req
1120. Why don't you beat it?
Copy !req
1121. But I want to stay with you.
Copy !req
1122. Why don't you beat it?
Copy !req
1123. Grandpa's got to
talk to some tail.
Copy !req
1124. He's...
Copy !req
1125. He's a little cooter stretcher
is what he is.
Copy !req
1126. You, uh...
You from this town?
Copy !req
1127. Yeah. Born and raised.
Copy !req
1128. Born and raised. You're awful pretty.
My goodness!
Copy !req
1129. Thank you.
Copy !req
1130. A beautiful young lady
like yourself,
Copy !req
1131. I have something for you.
Copy !req
1132. Oh, Lordy.
Copy !req
1133. Here we go.
You're, uh, so kind.
Copy !req
1134. - There you go.
- Oh, thank you.
Copy !req
1135. Those are for you.
They're specially scented.
Copy !req
1136. I bet.
Copy !req
1137. You got time for an old man
like me, maybe?
Copy !req
1138. We can blow this garmooshky
and go chase around a little.
Copy !req
1139. Not tonight I don't.
Copy !req
1140. - Not tonight?
- No.
Copy !req
1141. You on a lunch break?
Copy !req
1142. Yeah.
Copy !req
1143. You married?
Copy !req
1144. Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
1145. Oh, boy. "Married" married?
Copy !req
1146. "Married" married to
a gun-toting police officer.
Copy !req
1147. - Oh, God! Of all the luck.
- There you go.
Copy !req
1148. - All right, good times.
- See ya.
Copy !req
1149. Bye.
Copy !req
1150. If I had all the money
I spent on poontang,
Copy !req
1151. you know what I'd do with it?
Copy !req
1152. What?
Copy !req
1153. Spend it on poontang.
Copy !req
1154. One, two, three, four,
I declare a thumb war.
Copy !req
1155. One, two, three,
Copy !req
1156. four, five, six,
Copy !req
1157. seven, eight...
Copy !req
1158. Come on, you're a lefty.
Copy !req
1159. You can be stronger than that.
Copy !req
1160. I'm trying. I'm trying.
I'm trying.
Copy !req
1161. It's because you're holding it
so close to the edge.
Copy !req
1162. - Hello.
- Hi.
Copy !req
1163. I see you have met my grandson.
Copy !req
1164. Yeah.
Copy !req
1165. Oh. My name is Irving. Oh.
Copy !req
1166. I'm Lisa.
Copy !req
1167. What was your name...
Copy !req
1168. She's American.
You don't have to bow.
Copy !req
1169. - What?
- You have a weird grandpa.
Copy !req
1170. Where'd you go?
Copy !req
1171. You told me to beat it
Copy !req
1172. 'cause you were gonna
talk to some tail.
Copy !req
1173. Oh...
Copy !req
1174. I said I was... To...
Copy !req
1175. I was going to beat it to go
deliver some mail.
Copy !req
1176. Oh, jeez.
Copy !req
1177. You are hotter
than a Puerto Rican picnic.
Copy !req
1178. Oh, my God, thank you!
Copy !req
1179. - Thank you so much.
- Oh, my goodness!
Copy !req
1180. You babysit big boys?
Copy !req
1181. I do, yeah.
Copy !req
1182. I mean big boys like me.
Copy !req
1183. - Oh. No.
- No?
Copy !req
1184. Definitely not.
Copy !req
1185. Oh, well.
Copy !req
1186. You win some,
you lose some, kid.
Copy !req
1187. - Nice to meet you!
- See you. Bye-bye.
Copy !req
1188. - Wow!
- Goodbye.
Copy !req
1189. That was a slower no
Copy !req
1190. than I usually get.
Copy !req
1191. You may be useful after all!
Copy !req
1192. You ever play charades?
Copy !req
1193. Oh, oh...
Copy !req
1194. Excuse me?
Copy !req
1195. My grandpa
can't talk that well,
Copy !req
1196. but he says
you're very beautiful.
Copy !req
1197. Thank you. Thank you so much.
Copy !req
1198. Uh... Okay. I need to go.
Copy !req
1199. I need to go.
Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1200. Grandpa wants to know
if you're married!
Copy !req
1201. Excuse me, my grandpa
would like to say something.
Copy !req
1202. He wants to know if
you want to smell his finger.
Copy !req
1203. No, no. No, no, no.
No, no. No, no.
Copy !req
1204. He wants to know if
you're doing anything later.
Copy !req
1205. Takes an old hen
to deliver the goods.
Copy !req
1206. Is that a no?
Copy !req
1207. - Is that a no?
- Old chickens make good soup.
Copy !req
1208. Um.
Copy !req
1209. My grandpa
can't talk that well,
Copy !req
1210. but he says
you're very beautiful.
Copy !req
1211. Hmm.
Copy !req
1212. How do you know
that's what he said?
Copy !req
1213. What did he say?
Copy !req
1214. He says you make him
feel young again.
Copy !req
1215. Mmm. Mmm.
Copy !req
1216. Do you know what he's saying,
Copy !req
1217. or are you just
making stuff up?
Copy !req
1218. - I know what he's saying.
- Does he seem crazy to you sometime?
Copy !req
1219. Yeah.
Copy !req
1220. Excuse me!
Copy !req
1221. Okay.
Copy !req
1222. He wants to know where we can
get a hoagie around here.
Copy !req
1223. A hoagie sandwich.
Copy !req
1224. Um...
Copy !req
1225. Hoagie sandwich.
Copy !req
1226. Excuse me.
Copy !req
1227. He says you look
like a nice Jew.
Copy !req
1228. No, no, no, no...
Copy !req
1229. Oh, he says
you have very nice shoes.
Copy !req
1230. - Oh, thank you.
- Yeah, nice.
Copy !req
1231. Oh, we're just, uh...
Copy !req
1232. We're just, uh, clowning
around. I'm trying to
Copy !req
1233. teach him how to hit on women.
Copy !req
1234. Oh, okay. I can kind of see
what was going on.
Copy !req
1235. - How'd he do?
- You did very good.
Copy !req
1236. - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Copy !req
1237. He's sweet. He's my grandson.
Copy !req
1238. Okay.
Copy !req
1239. Yes.
Copy !req
1240. He goes to bed around
8:00 p.m. or so. So, uh...
Copy !req
1241. After that,
I'm pretty much free.
Copy !req
1242. No, I'm not... I'm not in the
market right now.
Copy !req
1243. You know, I...
Copy !req
1244. I might be too old
to stir the gravy,
Copy !req
1245. but I can still lick the spoon,
Copy !req
1246. that's for damn sure.
Copy !req
1247. Well, good luck.
Copy !req
1248. Oh. All right.
Copy !req
1249. - We'll be right here.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1250. All right, sweetie.
Copy !req
1251. Good job, buddy.
Copy !req
1252. Have you kissed a girl yet?
Copy !req
1253. Yeah.
Copy !req
1254. Was she your girlfriend?
Copy !req
1255. Yeah.
Copy !req
1256. How long
did you go out with her?
Copy !req
1257. A day.
Copy !req
1258. A day...
Copy !req
1259. A day?
Copy !req
1260. That sounds like
some of my relationships.
Copy !req
1261. Grandpa!
Copy !req
1262. Whoa!
Copy !req
1263. Get that damn thing
out of the way!
Copy !req
1264. Jesus Christ!
Copy !req
1265. Why would you put a penguin
right in my driving spot?
Copy !req
1266. In your...
Sir, there's a curb there.
Copy !req
1267. The driveways
are there and there.
Copy !req
1268. Look, lady, get off my back!
Copy !req
1269. I'm an old man.
Copy !req
1270. What happened to
"the customer's always right"?
Copy !req
1271. Yeah, but you ain't right about
running over the penguin.
Copy !req
1272. Why would they put
the penguin in my spot?
Copy !req
1273. You ran over the penguin.
Copy !req
1274. You put a penguin in my spot!
Copy !req
1275. You ran over the penguin!
What are you talking about?
Copy !req
1276. Well, you don't have
to yell at me.
Copy !req
1277. Can I get out?
Copy !req
1278. Stay in the car, Billy.
Copy !req
1279. And watch this.
Copy !req
1280. You can't... Look, buddy.
You're not going anywhere.
Copy !req
1281. You're fixing the thing.
That's all I'm telling you.
Copy !req
1282. Oh, I'm going to eat.
Copy !req
1283. You're not going anywhere.
Copy !req
1284. Watch out for the penguin, sir!
Copy !req
1285. No, I see it.
Copy !req
1286. You already hit the penguin.
Copy !req
1287. Listen to me, you're going to
fix that penguin, bro.
Copy !req
1288. Whether you like it or not,
Copy !req
1289. believe me,
you're gonna fix it.
Copy !req
1290. Nope.
Copy !req
1291. I mean, if I was fixing it,
you'd see me fixing it, but...
Copy !req
1292. I'm not fixing it.
Copy !req
1293. Did you notice
how I wasn't fixing it?
Copy !req
1294. I'm about to bust your ass.
Copy !req
1295. Over a penguin?
Copy !req
1296. Fucking leave
the penguin alone, bro.
Copy !req
1297. I'm about to whip you, motherfucker.
Up your ass, bro.
Copy !req
1298. You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna get your doober.
Copy !req
1299. Oh. Oh. I got your doober.
Copy !req
1300. I got your doober.
Copy !req
1301. - I ate your doober.
- You shouldn't be fucking driving anyway.
Copy !req
1302. - Your fucking 85 years old.
- I got his doober.
Copy !req
1303. - Thank God that wasn't a human being.
- I got his doober and he's mad.
Copy !req
1304. Okay, I'm gonna fucking...
Copy !req
1305. Oh! Atomic elbow!
Atomic elbow!
Copy !req
1306. I did a little wrestling
myself in my younger days.
Copy !req
1307. Are you fucking
kidding me, bro?
Copy !req
1308. What? Atomic elbow!
Copy !req
1309. Are you kidding me?
Copy !req
1310. I loved that duo with the
butcher when I was younger.
Copy !req
1311. Are you fucking
kidding me, man?
Copy !req
1312. Why? It's
an atomic elbow.
Copy !req
1313. Wow.
Copy !req
1314. That looks like the camel toe
in your pants!
Copy !req
1315. Hoo-hah!
Copy !req
1316. Get it?
I said you had a vagina.
Copy !req
1317. That's a vagina reference.
Copy !req
1318. You're gonna fix
this fucking penguin,
Copy !req
1319. whether you like it or not.
You understand?
Copy !req
1320. One second.
I'm gonna say it...
Copy !req
1321. Am not, am not!
Copy !req
1322. You're gonna fix
this fucking thing.
Copy !req
1323. Nope, nope.
Copy !req
1324. You gotta ask yourself,
"What leverage do I have?"
Copy !req
1325. Not much!
Copy !req
1326. You're a fucking jerkoff,
you know that?
Copy !req
1327. "You're gonna
fix that penguin!"
Copy !req
1328. "No, you're gonna fix it!"
Copy !req
1329. "You're gonna fix it!"
Copy !req
1330. "No, you're gonna!"
Copy !req
1331. Table for two?
Copy !req
1332. Yeah.
Copy !req
1333. Okay. Right this way.
Copy !req
1334. I'd like to fix her penguin.
Copy !req
1335. Want to see how red
I can get my face?
Copy !req
1336. Yeah.
Copy !req
1337. Oh, stop, stop, stop!
Copy !req
1338. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1339. That was redder
than an ape's ass.
Copy !req
1340. Watch your mouth.
Copy !req
1341. Oh, sorry.
Copy !req
1342. That was redder
than an ape's tuchas.
Copy !req
1343. Do you like a lot of milk?
Copy !req
1344. Oh, boy, do I!
Copy !req
1345. I like chocolate milk
sometimes.
Copy !req
1346. Yeah, Grandpa's got a taste
for that, too.
Copy !req
1347. Yeah.
Copy !req
1348. He used to have
a big taste for it.
Copy !req
1349. Why doesn't my mom like me?
Copy !req
1350. Your mom likes you, buddy.
Copy !req
1351. Then why'd she
run away from me?
Copy !req
1352. Well...
Copy !req
1353. Mom's got to go away
for a little bit, and so...
Copy !req
1354. I'm taking you to your dad
so he can look after you.
Copy !req
1355. But I don't really like my dad.
Copy !req
1356. Yeah, I don't like him
much either, buddy.
Copy !req
1357. - Angel.
- Yes.
Copy !req
1358. Earplugs, Billy.
Copy !req
1359. Earplugs.
Copy !req
1360. What time do you get off?
Copy !req
1361. - 9:00 o'clock.
- All right.
Copy !req
1362. - All right.
- All right.
Copy !req
1363. Check out the rear
bumpers on that one.
Copy !req
1364. - Mmm. How's your food?
- Good.
Copy !req
1365. How much butter
you gonna put on that?
Copy !req
1366. I'm eating this one.
Copy !req
1367. - You eat it raw?
- Yeah, why not?
Copy !req
1368. Dear God.
Copy !req
1369. I think
Copy !req
1370. all this bacon
is getting to Grandpa.
Copy !req
1371. Did you...
Did you just toot, Grandpa?
Copy !req
1372. That was
a church house creeper.
Copy !req
1373. I think I got one.
Copy !req
1374. I think you need
to clean out your shorts.
Copy !req
1375. Beat that.
Copy !req
1376. Grandpa's tummy's hurting.
Copy !req
1377. Let it out.
Copy !req
1378. Try this one on for size.
Copy !req
1379. - Oh, God.
- Ew, Grandpa,
Copy !req
1380. you sharted!
Copy !req
1381. I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
1382. Oh, my...
Copy !req
1383. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1384. I'm sorry, ladies. Don't...
Copy !req
1385. Don't look back there.
I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
1386. Oh, God, that's...
Copy !req
1387. Let's go, buddy.
Copy !req
1388. Oh, no.
Copy !req
1389. That guy stood up
on the chair part
Copy !req
1390. and pooped on the wall.
Copy !req
1391. - He what?
- And he pooped on the wall.
Copy !req
1392. Oh, good shot. Good...
Take it again. Take it again.
Copy !req
1393. Oh, Jesus.
Copy !req
1394. All right.
You want some of this?
Copy !req
1395. Why can't I just stay with
you instead of my dad?
Copy !req
1396. 'Cause that's not the plan.
Copy !req
1397. We can change the plan.
Copy !req
1398. How about this?
If I make this shot,
Copy !req
1399. I get to stay with you
instead of my dad.
Copy !req
1400. All right.
Copy !req
1401. Get that out of here!
Copy !req
1402. How about
we become tuna fishermen
Copy !req
1403. and then move to Japan?
Copy !req
1404. Oh, boy.
Copy !req
1405. We'll get a fish market
Copy !req
1406. and then we sell all tuna
and we'll be billionaires.
Copy !req
1407. There is lots of tuna
in Japan, that's for sure!
Copy !req
1408. That's the best idea
I heard in years, son.
Copy !req
1409. Do you like to fish, old man?
Copy !req
1410. I used to like to fish a lot,
but that was before.
Copy !req
1411. Before what?
Copy !req
1412. Before a dark day when
Copy !req
1413. I caught my very own Moby Dick.
Copy !req
1414. Whoa!
Copy !req
1415. Jesus!
Copy !req
1416. Whoo!
Copy !req
1417. Shit!
Copy !req
1418. Oh, Lordy! Lordy!
Copy !req
1419. A little help!
Copy !req
1420. Oh, man!
Copy !req
1421. Check out the nine iron
on this one.
Copy !req
1422. Oh!
Copy !req
1423. Oh, God.
Copy !req
1424. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
1425. What is that? What is that?
Copy !req
1426. It's a large-nose
carpet croaker!
Copy !req
1427. Yeah. Okay.
Copy !req
1428. After that,
I never ate fish sticks again.
Copy !req
1429. Grandpa, I'm hungry.
Copy !req
1430. You know what?
I may have a solution.
Copy !req
1431. Are you sure
this is a good idea?
Copy !req
1432. Of course it is.
Copy !req
1433. You can get away
with most anything,
Copy !req
1434. all you got to do is try.
Copy !req
1435. Follow my lead.
Copy !req
1436. Okay, folks, can we get
a picture here with everyone?
Copy !req
1437. Can everybody back up
on this side a little bit?
Copy !req
1438. Just kinda take
a couple steps back.
Copy !req
1439. Keep going,
just a little bit more.
Copy !req
1440. Look at this.
Copy !req
1441. This is lovely!
Copy !req
1442. Wow.
Copy !req
1443. Look at that.
Copy !req
1444. - It's pretty, right?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1445. Sir, can you
back up out of the way?
Copy !req
1446. I'm trying to take a picture.
Copy !req
1447. Oh, oh! Oh!
Copy !req
1448. Help him!
Copy !req
1449. Are you okay, Grandpa?
Copy !req
1450. Ow!
Copy !req
1451. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1452. Who pushed me?
Copy !req
1453. I don't know.
I think you just fell.
Copy !req
1454. Mmm.
Copy !req
1455. Here. Got you some breakfast.
Copy !req
1456. Sweet!
Copy !req
1457. All right.
Copy !req
1458. Hmm. What's today?
Copy !req
1459. Saturday.
Copy !req
1460. Bet we could've stirred up
some trouble here.
Copy !req
1461. Damn shame I got to drop you
at your dad's tomorrow.
Copy !req
1462. Oh, the hell with it!
Let's go have some fun.
Copy !req
1463. Would you like to see
a magic trick?
Copy !req
1464. I need a $20 bill as a prop.
Copy !req
1465. And I'll give it
right back to you.
Copy !req
1466. Allakazoo, allakastid...
Copy !req
1467. Grab the stuff...
Let's beat it, kid!
Copy !req
1468. Come on! Come on!
Copy !req
1469. What are you doing? What are
you waiting on? Come on!
Copy !req
1470. - Grandpa, the car!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Copy !req
1471. Have a sip of beer
with Grandpa.
Copy !req
1472. Whoa.
Copy !req
1473. 'Cause he should not
be drinking.
Copy !req
1474. Grandpa, I'm fucking wasted.
Copy !req
1475. Whoops!
Copy !req
1476. What the hell was that?
Copy !req
1477. You little cooter stretcher!
Copy !req
1478. No!
Copy !req
1479. Wedgie, wedgie!
Copy !req
1480. What's on your shirt?
Copy !req
1481. Damn it. Ah...
Copy !req
1482. Okay, my little wingman,
Copy !req
1483. why don't you take
the big bed tonight?
Copy !req
1484. - You deserve it.
- Thank you, Grandpa!
Copy !req
1485. Settle down, now.
We got to get some sleep.
Copy !req
1486. We got Raleigh tomorrow.
Copy !req
1487. Night, Billy.
Copy !req
1488. Grandpa, can we go
fishing tomorrow?
Copy !req
1489. Maybe.
Copy !req
1490. Promise?
Copy !req
1491. Sure, I promise maybe.
Copy !req
1492. Oh, I think I hear
a flock of geese!
Copy !req
1493. Oh, my God,
I think I just shit myself.
Copy !req
1494. Good night, buddy.
Copy !req
1495. I don't want to go
to my dad, though.
Copy !req
1496. Well, I...
Copy !req
1497. You got to. I can't...
Copy !req
1498. Keep you.
Copy !req
1499. I just can't do anything
with you right now.
Copy !req
1500. But I'm sure your father
will, uh, do the right thing.
Copy !req
1501. My son's grandfather
is dropping him off.
Copy !req
1502. I ain't seen the boy
in three or four years.
Copy !req
1503. - So, you know... Yeah.
- Really?
Copy !req
1504. She took him
away from me, okay,
Copy !req
1505. 'cause so she could get, you know,
whatever, 'cause she got mad at me.
Copy !req
1506. Child support.
Child support'll kill you.
Copy !req
1507. Guess what? Now I'm getting
the child support.
Copy !req
1508. You got any speed?
Copy !req
1509. - Hey, man. How you doing?
- Hey, man.
Copy !req
1510. - I'm Chuck.
- I'm Patrick.
Copy !req
1511. - Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
Copy !req
1512. Hey, what's that...
Copy !req
1513. - Oh, fuck, man.
- What's that, man?
Copy !req
1514. What's up with the "GOC," man?
What's that, man?
Copy !req
1515. Oh.
Copy !req
1516. No shit.
Well, what does that mean?
Copy !req
1517. Organization, huh?
Copy !req
1518. Come on.
Copy !req
1519. There's the old prick
right now.
Copy !req
1520. It's about time.
Copy !req
1521. You get lost?
Copy !req
1522. Hey, Chuck.
Copy !req
1523. Irving.
Copy !req
1524. Hey, buddy.
How you doing, billy goat?
Copy !req
1525. You want to give me a hug?
Copy !req
1526. - Don't be afraid of me.
- Hey.
Copy !req
1527. I know we had our differences
in the past,
Copy !req
1528. but I'm gonna ask you right now
Copy !req
1529. to please take care
of this boy.
Copy !req
1530. He's all I have left.
Copy !req
1531. Don't come at me...
Don't come at me
Copy !req
1532. like I'm some kind of asshole.
Copy !req
1533. Of course I'm gonna take care
of the little shit.
Copy !req
1534. - He's my kid.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Copy !req
1535. Just take it down, all right?
Copy !req
1536. Just surprise me and don't be
a schmuck this time, okay?
Copy !req
1537. We're all good.
Copy !req
1538. Come here. Come here, buddy.
Copy !req
1539. You be a good boy, okay?
All right?
Copy !req
1540. I'm going to be checking in
on you a lot.
Copy !req
1541. And I'm gonna
get word to your mom
Copy !req
1542. that you're with
your father now.
Copy !req
1543. And I'm gonna tell her
all the fun we had,
Copy !req
1544. and all the cool things
you showed me.
Copy !req
1545. Grandpa loves you very much.
Copy !req
1546. Love you, too.
Copy !req
1547. Good-bye, son.
Copy !req
1548. Bye, old man.
Copy !req
1549. Come on, Billy.
Copy !req
1550. That's enough
of that horseshit.
Copy !req
1551. Hop up here. There you go.
Copy !req
1552. Get up here, little man.
Copy !req
1553. Excuse me.
Copy !req
1554. Just sit up here.
Copy !req
1555. Here, take this bag off.
You don't need this.
Copy !req
1556. Yes, sir.
Copy !req
1557. That's good.
Copy !req
1558. Thank you very much. I, uh...
Copy !req
1559. I'm his grandfather
Copy !req
1560. and unfortunately I have to
hand him back now.
Copy !req
1561. I don't trust him.
Copy !req
1562. Until his mom gets out of jail.
Copy !req
1563. I'm sorry, sir,
I can't talk about it.
Copy !req
1564. Please watch him!
Copy !req
1565. Billy.
Copy !req
1566. Hi, Rick.
Copy !req
1567. Dad, can we get some food?
Copy !req
1568. I'll tell you what,
you can have a water.
Copy !req
1569. Please, Dad, I'm hungry.
Copy !req
1570. You don't need
to eat that. You're...
Copy !req
1571. No, don't give him that.
Copy !req
1572. I mean, he needs to lose
some weight. I mean, honestly.
Copy !req
1573. Thank you.
Copy !req
1574. Will you watch
the little fat boy?
Copy !req
1575. I gotta go take a piss.
Copy !req
1576. When someone disrespects me,
Copy !req
1577. I wanna be able to go,
like, "DT, take him out."
Copy !req
1578. Yeah, no. We're not that.
Copy !req
1579. "DT, see that..."
Copy !req
1580. Look at that that guy
eyeballing me over there?
Copy !req
1581. Listen, if I start
some shit right now,
Copy !req
1582. will you guys back me up?
Copy !req
1583. 'Cause this guy's been
eyeballing me all...
Copy !req
1584. No, no, you're on your own.
Copy !req
1585. We're here having a party.
Copy !req
1586. That's all we are.
Copy !req
1587. Yeah, damn.
Copy !req
1588. That's what we're about, so...
Copy !req
1589. Billy.
Copy !req
1590. Let's go fishing.
Copy !req
1591. Let's go fishing, buddy.
Copy !req
1592. What are you doing back here?
Copy !req
1593. - He's going with me.
- Can we?
Copy !req
1594. Yeah, you're coming with me.
Copy !req
1595. Yeah, I don't want you
with him,
Copy !req
1596. - all right?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa...
Copy !req
1597. No, no.
Don't put your hands on him.
Copy !req
1598. That's my son. I can put
my hand on him if I want to.
Copy !req
1599. No, don't touch him.
You are his...
Copy !req
1600. - You are a son of a bitch.
- I am his family.
Copy !req
1601. You've been no father.
Copy !req
1602. - Oh, yeah? Really?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1603. Come on, Billy. Let's go.
Copy !req
1604. Just stay right there!
Don't listen...
Copy !req
1605. Hey, he's staying right here.
Copy !req
1606. - Come here, buddy.
- No, no, no. He's staying here.
Copy !req
1607. - Back off!
- You back off!
Copy !req
1608. He's not going with you.
He's coming with me.
Copy !req
1609. - Do you understand?
- No, no, no.
Copy !req
1610. - He's coming with...
- This is my meal ticket.
Copy !req
1611. You're not fit to have him.
Copy !req
1612. I'm not fit?
Copy !req
1613. - Yeah, you're not fit...
- I'm not fit?
Copy !req
1614. I'll fucking kick your ass!
Copy !req
1615. - Get out of my face!
- All right, all right!
Copy !req
1616. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Copy !req
1617. - I'll kill you!
- Easy. Easy.
Copy !req
1618. Settle the hell down, man!
Copy !req
1619. You ain't going
nowhere, buddy. Stop it.
Copy !req
1620. You better let go of me, boy.
Copy !req
1621. Let me get his bag. Where's my
grandson's backpack? Take your grandson.
Copy !req
1622. Okay. He's okay.
Copy !req
1623. I can't hack it with him!
Copy !req
1624. There goes my 600 bucks!
Copy !req
1625. What are you
talking about, man?
Copy !req
1626. That kid is my 600 bucks
a month!
Copy !req
1627. Come back here!
Copy !req
1628. He's a hell of a lot
more than money.
Copy !req
1629. - He's fixing to get hurt out there.
- I hear you, man.
Copy !req
1630. You'll freaking get hurt,
brother.
Copy !req
1631. Unless you die your damn self
Copy !req
1632. then you better chill out.
Copy !req
1633. All right, now, all right!
Copy !req
1634. You got me, all right?
Copy !req
1635. - That boy ain't no 600 dollars.
- I forfeit.
Copy !req
1636. I forfeit.
Copy !req
1637. You understand me?
Copy !req
1638. I give up. I surrender.
Copy !req
1639. Fine. Fine.
You wanna guard that kid?
Copy !req
1640. You guard him.
Copy !req
1641. He's got a guardian.
Copy !req
1642. Go ahead and take off.
We'll keep him inside.
Copy !req
1643. Thank you so much.
Copy !req
1644. Bye, baby!
Have fun, okay?
Copy !req
1645. You okay?
Copy !req
1646. Yeah. You?
Copy !req
1647. I'm okay.
Copy !req
1648. Oh!
Copy !req
1649. Oh, no.
Copy !req
1650. Oh, shit!
Copy !req
1651. Sorry about the bikes!
Copy !req
1652. Did you really think
I was going to leave you?
Copy !req
1653. Kind of.
Copy !req
1654. No way!
Copy !req
1655. Well, what do you
want to do now?
Copy !req
1656. I got an idea.
Copy !req
1657. Hey, guys.
Copy !req
1658. - Good evening.
- Hi.
Copy !req
1659. - How are you?
- Good.
Copy !req
1660. - All right...
- Wait.
Copy !req
1661. Now, when we walk in that room,
Copy !req
1662. your name is Lindsey Dill.
Okay?
Copy !req
1663. You're a pretty little girl,
Copy !req
1664. so no farting and no swearing,
you got it?
Copy !req
1665. Let's go win us some money.
Copy !req
1666. All right. Come on.
Copy !req
1667. Hi. Is it okay
if I interview you guys?
Copy !req
1668. Doing a behind-the-scenes
video for the pageant.
Copy !req
1669. Sure.
Copy !req
1670. Who are you?
Copy !req
1671. Hi. My name's Jill.
Copy !req
1672. Can I ask you some questions
for our camera?
Copy !req
1673. Yes.
Copy !req
1674. Say, "Yes, ma'am"
but don't baby-talk.
Copy !req
1675. So, how many pageants
have you been in?
Copy !req
1676. I've probably been
in a thousand pageants.
Copy !req
1677. And how many of them
did you win?
Copy !req
1678. I won every single one!
Copy !req
1679. - What?
- Every single one!
Copy !req
1680. I'm supposed to talk.
Copy !req
1681. It's competitive, it's a sport.
Copy !req
1682. - And my friends...
- And so moms get...
Copy !req
1683. You know,
they get into this competition
Copy !req
1684. and if you're going to do it
and do it right...
Copy !req
1685. What are you doing?
Copy !req
1686. Stop, now. If you're going
to do it and do it right...
Copy !req
1687. I mean, you've got to be
willing to be competitive.
Copy !req
1688. And that's what happens,
you know?
Copy !req
1689. Sometimes I think competition,
just like any other sport,
Copy !req
1690. gets the best of everybody.
Copy !req
1691. Well, thank you so much
for being here tonight
Copy !req
1692. at the Carolina Cutie Pies
Young Miss Pageant.
Copy !req
1693. And because this is such
a special night,
Copy !req
1694. we have a special surprise
for you.
Copy !req
1695. Tonight, for the winner,
Copy !req
1696. we're going to
give away $5,000!
Copy !req
1697. Whoo!
Copy !req
1698. $5,000!
Copy !req
1699. That's crazy!
Copy !req
1700. But now, we want to get into
our beauty gown competition.
Copy !req
1701. - Are you excited?
- I know. I love it!
Copy !req
1702. This is so funny!
Copy !req
1703. Contestant number one,
please come to the stage.
Copy !req
1704. Looking very beautiful tonight.
Copy !req
1705. This is contestant number 10,
Copy !req
1706. Lindsey Dill!
Copy !req
1707. Lindsey has blazing
blonde hair and hazel eyes.
Copy !req
1708. Her hobbies
are football, fishing
Copy !req
1709. and playing
with her sock monkey!
Copy !req
1710. That must be
your proud grandpa.
Copy !req
1711. Ladies and gentlemen,
contestant number 10,
Copy !req
1712. Lindsey Dill.
Copy !req
1713. That's my granddaughter.
Copy !req
1714. Hi-ya!
Copy !req
1715. Let's give her a hand!
Copy !req
1716. Your daughter's so precious.
Copy !req
1717. She's so precious...
She did really good.
Copy !req
1718. I don't know if it'll be
good enough for first place,
Copy !req
1719. but she did really good.
Copy !req
1720. Good Time by
Owl City and Carly Rae Jepsen.
Copy !req
1721. So, how do you think the
competition's going so far?
Copy !req
1722. Good.
Copy !req
1723. Do you think you have
any stiff competition?
Copy !req
1724. Is that weird?
Copy !req
1725. We've just never seen it,
so it's different.
Copy !req
1726. And this is
contestant number 10.
Copy !req
1727. Everyone, Lindsey Dill!
Copy !req
1728. Aw...
Copy !req
1729. Come on.
Copy !req
1730. Shit. Come on!
Copy !req
1731. Ladies and gentlemen,
let's hear it
Copy !req
1732. for Lindsey Dill.
Copy !req
1733. Grandpa, what'd you
think of my dancing?
Copy !req
1734. Ha!
I loved your dancing.
Copy !req
1735. You were Ginger Rogers
and Fred Astaire
Copy !req
1736. all rolled into one.
Copy !req
1737. Gimme five.
Copy !req
1738. Grandpa,
school starts on Tuesday.
Copy !req
1739. Tuesday?
Copy !req
1740. Hell, that's when
the ponies start running.
Copy !req
1741. What do you say
I get you to school on Friday?
Copy !req
1742. All right!
Copy !req
1743. All right.
Copy !req
1744. Does this look
like a good spot?
Copy !req
1745. This looks like
as good a spot as any.
Copy !req
1746. Here we go!
Copy !req
1747. Oh, my goodness!
Copy !req
1748. Oh, thanks, buddy.
Copy !req
1749. Oh!
Copy !req
1750. You sure we should do this?
Copy !req
1751. This is what she wanted.
Copy !req
1752. You got any final words
for your grandma?
Copy !req
1753. Yeah.
Copy !req
1754. Bye, Grandma.
Copy !req
1755. Bye, Ellie.
Copy !req
1756. Whoo!
Copy !req
1757. Let's start fishing.
Copy !req
1758. Let's fish.
Copy !req
1759. I call black one!
Copy !req
1760. You got the black one?
Okay, I got the red one.
Copy !req
1761. Whoa.
Copy !req
1762. Grandpa,
I got to pee-pee.
Copy !req
1763. You got to pee-pee?
Copy !req
1764. Well, dangle that little thing
through the railing
Copy !req
1765. and let her rip.
Copy !req
1766. But point it that way out of
respect for your grandmother.
Copy !req
1767. Man, get the fuck away from me.
Copy !req
1768. What did I do?
Copy !req
1769. Can I get a hug? Dad?
Copy !req
1770. That wouldn't be appropriate,
big guy.
Copy !req
1771. He says you have
a fat kitty cat.
Copy !req
1772. Okay.
Copy !req
1773. Hmm?
Copy !req
1774. - Jiggle my shoulders!
- I tried to do it!
Copy !req
1775. Jiggle my... Ow!
Jiggle! Jiggle!
Copy !req
1776. What does he look like?
Copy !req
1777. He's got a moustache,
Copy !req
1778. big head, tall, um,
and he smells like old farts.
Copy !req
1779. Listen, old man.
I ain't fucking young.
Copy !req
1780. I'm 45 years old. I'll fucking
tune you up. All right?
Copy !req
1781. Mmm-hmm. Yep.
Copy !req
1782. Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Listen up, listen up!
Copy !req
1783. The gentleman you just saw in
here was Mr. Johnny Knoxville
Copy !req
1784. and we are shooting a movie.
Copy !req
1785. Thank you, everyone,
Copy !req
1786. for putting up with me tonight,
Copy !req
1787. and thank you
for not beating me up.
Copy !req
1788. - High five!
- High five!
Copy !req
1789. Why were you wearing a bra?
Copy !req
1790. "Why were you
wearing a bra?"
Copy !req
1791. For my dance.
Copy !req
1792. Well, that was inappropriate!
Copy !req
1793. Doris, what did you think?
Copy !req
1794. My mother's
not gonna like this!
Copy !req
1795. We're shooting a movie.
Copy !req
1796. No way!
Copy !req
1797. You've got to be kidding me!
Copy !req
1798. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1799. I just did all of that and...
Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1800. And a rusty trombone
for my grandpa.
Copy !req
1801. A rusty trombone
for your grandpa, huh?
Copy !req
1802. Yep.
Copy !req
1803. Well, I need
to take your picture
Copy !req
1804. to see if you're on
a milk carton somewhere.
Copy !req
1805. What do you think?
Copy !req
1806. Don't hurt me!
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1807. Hurt you? I'm 86 years old.
Copy !req
1808. Don't hurt me!
Copy !req
1809. Oh...
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1810. Billy! Billy!
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1811. Ow!
Copy !req
1812. What is a whore?
Copy !req
1813. Oh, boy. Uh...
Copy !req
1814. Oh, boy, that's a tough one.
Copy !req
1815. All right, here we go.
Copy !req
1816. Poof! I'm an old prick now.
Copy !req
1817. Oh, yeah? Get a load of this!
Copy !req
1818. My mommy loves crack almost
as much as I love fishing.
Copy !req
1819. I'm sorry,
what did you just say?
Copy !req
1820. Can I help you?
Copy !req
1821. Talk more like an old man.
Copy !req
1822. - Me?
- Yes.
Copy !req
1823. Yeah, he sounds like
Johnny Knoxville.
Copy !req
1824. I hate this job.
I fucking hate you!
Copy !req
1825. This is a camera,
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1826. in there.
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1827. That's a camera.
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1828. I think there's a camera here
somewhere.
Copy !req
1829. Talk to that.
Copy !req
1830. Okay, and when...
Hi, how are you?
Copy !req
1831. Oh, look at me!
I look beautiful!
Copy !req
1832. That's one ugly bitch.
Copy !req
1833. It's interesting. Every time
I work with these guys,
Copy !req
1834. I'm either in a casket
or around a casket.
Copy !req
1835. I like standing here.
Copy !req
1836. And I like standing here.
Copy !req
1837. But my favorite spot is here.
Copy !req
1838. - Come on.
- Get away.
Copy !req
1839. I may be too old
to stir the gumbo,
Copy !req
1840. but I can still lick
the ladle, that's for sure.
Copy !req
1841. In my opinion, ladle-licking
Copy !req
1842. is more important
than gumbo-stirring anyway.
Copy !req
1843. Oh, I can lick my eyebrows.
Copy !req
1844. Get out!
Copy !req
1845. Fuck.
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1846. Oh, my God!
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1847. Are you all right?
Copy !req
1848. - Okay.
- Oh, man.
Copy !req
1849. Whoa.
Copy !req
1850. Big finish.
Copy !req
1851. What's going on here?
Copy !req
1852. Get out of here, asshole.
Copy !req
1853. We have to bring in
your stunt double.
Copy !req
1854. - Thank you.
- You gotta be shittin' me, man!
Copy !req
1855. I'm sitting there looking, I'm
like, "What is up with this?"
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1856. Are you serious?
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1857. You guys are
so sweet to look after Billy.
Copy !req
1858. - Oh, my God!
- How are you?
Copy !req
1859. Ugh!
Copy !req
1860. Oh, I'm sorry, Kelman.
Copy !req