1. Holy shit!Copy !req
2. Oh, fuck!Copy !req
3. No, no, no!Copy !req
4. Oh, shit!Copy !req
5. Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville.
Welcome to Jackass!Copy !req
6. All right, boys and girls.
It's time for a puppet show.Copy !req
7. puppet showCopy !req
8. Once upon a time,
there was a hungry serpentCopy !req
9. and a lonely field mouse
who needed a friend.Copy !req
10. Hello, Mr. Serpent.Copy !req
11. My name is Mr. Mousey.
I wanna be your friend.Copy !req
12. Yeah, just make sure
my whole wiener's out. I wanna look good.Copy !req
13. How about if I tickle him on the tail?
Hey, over here.Copy !req
14. That's not nice.Copy !req
15. That's not the way we play back home.Copy !req
16. That was not nice.Copy !req
17. Dude.Copy !req
18. He's like an inch away.Copy !req
19. Here we go. Give me a little kissy.Copy !req
20. A little kiss.Copy !req
21. Oh, God!Copy !req
22. Oh, God, that hurts!Copy !req
23. It's got its tooth stuck in his dick!Copy !req
24. I guess the puppet show's over then.Copy !req
25. Oh, my God.Copy !req
26. "Hi, Jackass guys.Copy !req
27. the valentineCopy !req
28. "I heard you were staying at this hotel."Copy !req
29. - What the fuck is that?
- Dude, look at that.Copy !req
30. It's like... someone like...Copy !req
31. Look at it. What is this?
I can't even read it, dude.Copy !req
32. Read it out loud.Copy !req
33. "Hi, Jackass guys.
I heard you were staying at this hotel.Copy !req
34. My name is Stephanie
and me and my friends love you.Copy !req
35. Some of you actually hooked up
with my sister four years ago.Copy !req
36. I don't care about that."Copy !req
37. Oh! You fucking dick.Copy !req
38. Oh, my God.Copy !req
39. I was wondering
why it was so fucking small.Copy !req
40. Did you see this?Copy !req
41. Fucking fans just wrote this, like,
saying how much they want to fuck us.Copy !req
42. And it says...
Read it up close. It's fucking hilarious.Copy !req
43. - Read it out loud for the camera.
- Okay.Copy !req
44. "Some of you actually hooked up
with my sister four years ago."Copy !req
45. It was probably you.Copy !req
46. "And I don't care about that.Copy !req
47. Me and my friends will
totally rock your world.Copy !req
48. "I wanna fuck you all."Copy !req
49. It's the fucking stupidest thing
I've ever seen.Copy !req
50. Fans actually put that...
Read the little part, dude.Copy !req
51. Get Wee Man's little ass up here
but only if... no one be in the hall.Copy !req
52. - Just, like, Bam. He's selling it so good.
- Is there a chair out here?Copy !req
53. Wee Man, dude,
some girl wants to rock your world.Copy !req
54. Dude, you got to read this.
These fans put up this...Copy !req
55. Dude, stand on this.Copy !req
56. Read it out loud for the camera.
It's perfect "behind the scenes", dude.Copy !req
57. "Hi, Jackass guys.
I heard you were staying at this hotel.Copy !req
58. My name is Stephanie
and me and my friends love you.Copy !req
59. Some of you actually hooked up
with my sister four years ago.Copy !req
60. I don't care about that.Copy !req
61. "Me and my friends..."Copy !req
62. Oh, my God, that was amazing.Copy !req
63. He actually stood on the chair.Copy !req
64. Why would there ever be a chair
in the hallway?Copy !req
65. I'm Dave England,
and this is the Firehose Rodeo.Copy !req
66. firehose rodeoCopy !req
67. Fucking hell!Copy !req
68. God damn it!Copy !req
69. Oh, shit!Copy !req
70. - Bravo, homo.
- Did you see how he slammed?Copy !req
71. My ass hurts so fucking bad!Copy !req
72. - Hey, is it bleeding?
- Yeah.Copy !req
73. Man, you are bleeding.Copy !req
74. - My ass is bleeding?
- We have rectal bleeding.Copy !req
75. Another first for Jackass.Copy !req
76. Get back here, you little bastard!
Get back here!Copy !req
77. Now it's time
for a little Bicentennial BMXing.Copy !req
78. bicentennial bmxingCopy !req
79. - All right.
- Alley-oop.Copy !req
80. Hear ye, hear ye.Copy !req
81. This is really going to suck.Copy !req
82. Why would anybody ride this shit?Copy !req
83. It's like, what's the reasoning?Copy !req
84. Why wouldn't they just make
two of the same-size wheel?Copy !req
85. Oh, fuck.Copy !req
86. - You all right?
- Yeah.Copy !req
87. You didn't land it.Copy !req
88. My head stopped my body
from getting really hurt on that one.Copy !req
89. Oh, fuck.Copy !req
90. See, we have a weight going up
and it's supposed to hit me in the nuts,Copy !req
91. but I'd prefer to have, like,
a dildo instead of the weightCopy !req
92. and then, instead of the nuts,
it'll be my ass. It'll go right in.Copy !req
93. That's the way to do it.Copy !req
94. Could somebody make a dick run? Please?Copy !req
95. the strongmanCopy !req
96. Today's debate. Is it wrong to be strong?Copy !req
97. You be the judge.Copy !req
98. MANNY PUIG
PREDATORY ANIMAL EXPERTCopy !req
99. Now, Bam just took a golden dildo
up his ass at high speed.Copy !req
100. That's what happened.Copy !req
101. My name is Gloria and I'm 90 years old.Copy !req
102. And I'm a slut.Copy !req
103. Okay, I'm going to go
get us a table now, okay?Copy !req
104. - Bye, Mama. Thank you.
- Goodbye.Copy !req
105. Go ahead. I'm fine.Copy !req
106. Excuse me, sir.
Could I use your cellular telephone?Copy !req
107. What's the number?Copy !req
108. I don't know what number. It's the driver.Copy !req
109. - Oh, yes. Could you dial it for me?
- Yes, yes.Copy !req
110. What is the number?Copy !req
111. I don't know.
What is his number? I don't know.Copy !req
112. This happens every time I go to brunch.Copy !req
113. - Is this okay for now?
- Yes, thank you.Copy !req
114. I'm Danger Ehren, here with Thor,
and this is the Mini-Loop.Copy !req
115. He can barely ride it.Copy !req
116. Fuck.Copy !req
117. Fuck!Copy !req
118. All right, let Thor try it.Copy !req
119. Come on.Copy !req
120. I hit my head pretty hard.Copy !req
121. Good thing I'm wearing that helmet.
Safety first.Copy !req
122. I love that confidence.Copy !req
123. I'm not gay but I...
I kind of want to fuck him.Copy !req
124. - Come on, Danger, get on it.
- How's the bike?Copy !req
125. Bike's good.Copy !req
126. He's mocking the loop.Copy !req
127. After this movie comes out, you're totally
going to lose your virginity.Copy !req
128. - You almost pulled it off.
- I don't think dudes count, Chris.Copy !req
129. Here we are
at some random-ass ranch,Copy !req
130. and this is the Brand.Copy !req
131. the brandCopy !req
132. And it's gonna suck.Copy !req
133. - Drop them.
- Good luck.Copy !req
134. - Christ!
- You have no hair on your ass.Copy !req
135. It is pretty.Copy !req
136. - You ready?
- No.Copy !req
137. - You better get ready quick.
- That is a mini hard dick right there.Copy !req
138. Try not to move around. You don't want
to have two of those things on you.Copy !req
139. Oh, dear God.
I wasn't bummed for you, till right now.Copy !req
140. Okay!Copy !req
141. If I take it off,
it's gonna go cold in a second.Copy !req
142. I gotta keep it on
until we're ready to film.Copy !req
143. Fuck.Copy !req
144. All right.
You said 10 seconds 20 seconds ago.Copy !req
145. Clean him off.Copy !req
146. - All right, you ready?
- No.Copy !req
147. Don't move.Copy !req
148. - Go, go, go!
- Don't move.Copy !req
149. Press it hard, you idiot!Copy !req
150. Fuck! It's good.Copy !req
151. No, it's not, dude.
You got to hold it to it.Copy !req
152. Oh, fuck!
Dude, that hurts so fucking bad!Copy !req
153. Well, if you didn't jump out of the way,Copy !req
154. - I would've had it done the first time.
- You should've pressed,Copy !req
155. - you asshole!
- I did press! You went like that!Copy !req
156. Fuck! Oh, God damn, that hurt so bad.Copy !req
157. Turn around.Copy !req
158. I'm not going to burn you again.
I already got you three times.Copy !req
159. - Three of them.
- You gave me a hologram dick.Copy !req
160. There's three solid dicks,
there's one half-assed one right hereCopy !req
161. and then you gave me a set of balls.Copy !req
162. - But a sweet set of balls.
- Rad.Copy !req
163. I'd rather rip my dick off
and throw it in the riverCopy !req
164. than do that again.Copy !req
165. God damn.Copy !req
166. We're at Ape and Phil's houseCopy !req
167. three days laterCopy !req
168. and I'm gonna present them
the branded dick on my butt.Copy !req
169. Let me rephrase that. Dicks.Copy !req
170. - Well, I gave him a present.
- What present?Copy !req
171. He loved it.Copy !req
172. - What?
- It still hurts.Copy !req
173. - What? What am I looking at?
- He gave me a dick farm on my ass.Copy !req
174. Oh, my God! What is that?
What is that?Copy !req
175. - I branded his ass.
- It's supposed to be a dickCopy !req
176. but he did it six times,
so now I have a dick farm on my ass.Copy !req
177. - Is that permanent?
- Yes! Look!Copy !req
178. - What is that, a tattoo?
- It's a brand. A hot iron for cows.Copy !req
179. Bam, that is so infected!Copy !req
180. That does not look good. Oh, my God,
he's going to have that for life!Copy !req
181. - You're going to have that for life.
- No shit.Copy !req
182. If you have one on there, you should've
made it bigger and more realistic.Copy !req
183. - That puny thing's embarrassing.
- Ape, I got a muffed-up-ass butt.Copy !req
184. I know, and you had the cutest butt ever
and now you've ruined it.Copy !req
185. - No, Dick Farm Dunn ruined it.
- Yeah, why'd you ruin it?Copy !req
186. I tried to do it good. He jumped around.
I was scared. I'm burning my own friend.Copy !req
187. Why would you burn him
in the first place, Dunn?Copy !req
188. - Because it was funny.
- It's not funny.Copy !req
189. Get ready to be happy,
ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
190. Johnny Knoxville is going to jump
the entire lake.Copy !req
191. lake jumpCopy !req
192. He's amazing.Copy !req
193. What happened? You were going
about one mile per hour,Copy !req
194. then, all of a sudden, 60.Copy !req
195. I thought you were gonna hang on.Copy !req
196. There is no holding on
to that motherfucker.Copy !req
197. Oh, my God.Copy !req
198. Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Zupan
is going to jump the entire lake.Copy !req
199. quad rugby starCopy !req
200. Mark, give our regards
to the folks on the other side.Copy !req
201. I thought they forgot to set it off
and then it just took off.Copy !req
202. - I don't know what happened.
- I don't either.Copy !req
203. - All I know is he almost made it.
- He's a hero.Copy !req
204. We're here in England with Mat HoffmanCopy !req
205. and he's about to jump
the English Channel into Germany.Copy !req
206. Good luck, Mat.Copy !req
207. That was fucking great.Copy !req
208. What was so great about that?
He didn't even go to Germany.Copy !req
209. Oh, my God.Copy !req
210. It's a lovely day for a swim
in the Gulf of Mexico.Copy !req
211. I'm Steve-O, and this is the Fish Hook.Copy !req
212. the fish hookCopy !req
213. Oh, man, that's gone through. I got you.Copy !req
214. - Oh, dude.
- We got it? We're good?Copy !req
215. That hurt to do that to you.Copy !req
216. Yeah, it looks great.Copy !req
217. - Oh, my God.
- All right, cast me out, God damn it.Copy !req
218. Now it's time for some man-fishing.Copy !req
219. - The hammerhead's right there.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
220. Thank God we brought Manny
to make sure sharks would show up.Copy !req
221. He's coming to get you, Steve-O.
Act like a sick or wounded animal.Copy !req
222. Look at that fin right behind him.Copy !req
223. Dude, isn't this movie supposed
to be a comedy?Copy !req
224. I can't believe I'm fishing for sharks
with Steve-O as my bait.Copy !req
225. It's like a dream come true.Copy !req
226. Oh, my God.Copy !req
227. - Here comes a mako!
- Oh, shit! Steve-O!Copy !req
228. Oh, my God.
He's right behind you, Steve-O.Copy !req
229. - I am the fuck out of here.
- No, you're good, man.Copy !req
230. Stay in there.Copy !req
231. The shark's coming right at you!Copy !req
232. Oh, shit.Copy !req
233. - Come on, stay out there, O!
- You already got the fucking shot!Copy !req
234. I want to hear Manny scream.Copy !req
235. Dude, I fucking kicked the thing
in the fucking head!Copy !req
236. Get up here.Copy !req
237. Steve-O, do you know how lucky you are?
A mako almost bit your foot off.Copy !req
238. I've been so lucky today.Copy !req
239. Fuck!Copy !req
240. You are lucky.Copy !req
241. Fuck, that hurts. Damn it.
Thank you so much, God.Copy !req
242. You bastard.Copy !req
243. This is champion card-thrower, Jim Karol.Copy !req
244. He's come to throw cards
into Wee Man's ass.Copy !req
245. What Wee Man doesn't realize is that
he'll be sitting on the Electric Stool.Copy !req
246. the electric stoolCopy !req
247. God, I hate picking on Wee Man.Copy !req
248. - Wee Man, I'd say you're up.
- Jump up on the stool.Copy !req
249. All right, on three
I'm gonna whip it at you.Copy !req
250. You might feel it a little bit, all right?Copy !req
251. - On three. Ready?
- Don't worry about it.Copy !req
252. One,Copy !req
253. two...Copy !req
254. Fuck! That fucking...Copy !req
255. Did it hit a nerve?Copy !req
256. - Dude, it hit, like, right in there.
- Oh, I'm sorry. I threw it too hard.Copy !req
257. Try one more. It didn't stick.
He's going to get it to stick.Copy !req
258. On three. One,Copy !req
259. two,Copy !req
260. three.Copy !req
261. I don't fucking like that, dude.
No, I don't fucking like that, dude.Copy !req
262. That fucking hurts, dude.Copy !req
263. Tell the camera exactly what's happening.Copy !req
264. All right, every time this dude throws
a fucking card in my ass,Copy !req
265. it fucking jolts me, so I jump off.Copy !req
266. I'm not going to fucking sit there.Copy !req
267. - Let me do a pickup shot.
- No.Copy !req
268. The pickup shot is,
you pinch the card in your butt.Copy !req
269. Just stick it in there
so it's sticking out.Copy !req
270. - All right.
- Okay, go.Copy !req
271. One, two, three.Copy !req
272. It's still in there.Copy !req
273. - Jump back up.
- Do you want me to lift you on there?Copy !req
274. - Wait...
- Okay, fuckers!Copy !req
275. No, there's a machine in here
fucking doing it,Copy !req
276. you fucking fuckers.Copy !req
277. Where's the fucking card-throwing machine?Copy !req
278. Where's the fucking
card-throwing machine, dude?Copy !req
279. Show him what it is.
Show him what's funny.Copy !req
280. Oh, the fucking chair's rigged!Copy !req
281. Oh, my God.Copy !req
282. There's a card-throwing machine
in here, dude.Copy !req
283. Dude, Wee Man, I would never use
a card-throwing machine on you.Copy !req
284. That couldn't have gone any better.Copy !req
285. I didn't know
that Knoxville could do back flips.Copy !req
286. It was, like, a front flip.Copy !req
287. - Where do yaks come from?
- That's from Siberia.Copy !req
288. So that's why Eskimos don't have rodeos.Copy !req
289. Yeah.Copy !req
290. Tell me about your original drawing
for this.Copy !req
291. See, when I come up with my ideas,
I don't write them down.Copy !req
292. I just draw a picture
and fax it to Los Angeles.Copy !req
293. dramatic re-enactmentCopy !req
294. I just drew a picture of a fat-assCopy !req
295. and a little guy
with a bungee cord connected.Copy !req
296. Jason, how do you compare this kind
of athleticism to what you guys do?Copy !req
297. You guys are
a hell of a lot more athletic than usCopy !req
298. and a lot crazier, too.Copy !req
299. Dude, look how nervous he is.Copy !req
300. We're here in Miami Beach
with Jason TaylorCopy !req
301. and this is the Bungee Jump.Copy !req
302. the bungee jumpCopy !req
303. - Are you ready, Preston?
- Just go! Just go!Copy !req
304. Three, two, one.Copy !req
305. Yes!Copy !req
306. Yes! Yes! Yes!Copy !req
307. Oh, my God.Copy !req
308. - Preston.
- That worked perfect.Copy !req
309. - Did I yank you?
- Oh, fuck, yeah.Copy !req
310. Okay, I went down, I'm upside-down,
I see Preston coming.Copy !req
311. Once he was past me,
he pulled me down more.Copy !req
312. - So, like, I slammed the water.
- Oh, you were above the water?Copy !req
313. Yeah, I felt the full pressure
of the bungee.Copy !req
314. That was intense. Really intense.
Well, not really intense,Copy !req
315. but pretty intense.Copy !req
316. - What's your name again?
- What? Irving.Copy !req
317. - Irving, yeah.
- Irving Zisman.Copy !req
318. bad grandpaCopy !req
319. Hey, can we get us some fries, please?Copy !req
320. Some time today.Copy !req
321. There you go. Take a sip.Copy !req
322. That'll put lead in your pencil, kid.Copy !req
323. You got a light?Copy !req
324. Shit.Copy !req
325. Hey, little guy, is that a real cigarette?Copy !req
326. - Piss off, man.
- Is it?Copy !req
327. He said, "Piss off!"Copy !req
328. Jesus.Copy !req
329. Here, Gramps.Copy !req
330. Thank you.Copy !req
331. Don't hog it all, you little prick.Copy !req
332. Give me that.Copy !req
333. - This is LA.
- What?Copy !req
334. - This is LA.
- Yeah?Copy !req
335. - Don't do what?
- We don't drink out in public.Copy !req
336. - You don't drink out in public?
- No.Copy !req
337. - Well, maybe you should start, bub.
- Yeah. Where are you guys from?Copy !req
338. - We're from your face.
- Yeah?Copy !req
339. - Mind your own business, asshole.
- What?Copy !req
340. I said,
"Mind your own business, asshole."Copy !req
341. - Okay, you'd better be quiet, buddy.
- What are you gonna do?Copy !req
342. - You wanna step outside?
- We're already outside, numb-nuts.Copy !req
343. He asked me if I wanted to step outside.Copy !req
344. - You are from LA, ain't you, boy?
- Do you want to go around the block?Copy !req
345. Yeah, we'll go around the block.Copy !req
346. We'll go around the block
and see your mother.Copy !req
347. This is bullshit.
We're surrounded by cocksuckers.Copy !req
348. All right, kid.
It's time for Grandpa's massage.Copy !req
349. - You get massages with happy endings?
- That's right.Copy !req
350. - Say goodbye to the hippies.
- Bye, hippies.Copy !req
351. - Don't get beat up out here.
- "Beat up out here"?Copy !req
352. I don't have to worry about that in LA.
Not with you skinny sons of bitches.Copy !req
353. Okay, Old Man River.
Watch your mouth.Copy !req
354. I hear a lot of talking.Copy !req
355. You're letting that bulldog mouth overload
that puppy-dog ass.Copy !req
356. Look at him. Look how tough he is.Copy !req
357. You allow your nine-year-old son to drink?Copy !req
358. - It's my grandson.
- I don't give a fuck.Copy !req
359. Wow, now you swear in front of him?
What kind of role model are you?Copy !req
360. What kind of role model are you?Copy !req
361. Get the fuck out of here
and go back to Mississippi.Copy !req
362. Step over this line.
Just step over that line.Copy !req
363. - Oh! You stepped over the line!
- I didn't step over a line.Copy !req
364. You stepped over the line.Copy !req
365. That long hair don't cover
that red neck, boy.Copy !req
366. Piss off!Copy !req
367. - Let's go.
- Go crawl back in your mama's ass!Copy !req
368. What the fuck is that?
What the hell is that?Copy !req
369. We're sledding.Copy !req
370. - Bam, what the hell are you doing?
- We're sledding.Copy !req
371. - Give me a ten!
- What about my floor?Copy !req
372. - How's your belly feeling, dude?
- I'm just a diarrhea machine.Copy !req
373. - Is it like a baby? Is it kicking?
- It's very similar to a baby.Copy !req
374. - Is it kicking?
- No, come on! No.Copy !req
375. Seriously, I'm not joking. Seriously.Copy !req
376. Are you gonna shit?
Wouldn't you feel better?Copy !req
377. We have a whole wardrobe van.Copy !req
378. I don't want a new wardrobe.
I just wanna not shit my pants.Copy !req
379. So, the boys think they're arriving
in a limo for a photo shoot,Copy !req
380. but little do they know,Copy !req
381. we have a shitload of bees
we're going to put through the sun roof.Copy !req
382. And we rigged the locks
so they can't get out.Copy !req
383. And when they do get out,
we got a couple of marbles for them.Copy !req
384. beehive limoCopy !req
385. This is the Beehive Limo.Copy !req
386. Last movie, you shit in a damn van
and now you get to shit in a limo.Copy !req
387. Yeah, you're stepping it up.
You're stepping it up, dude.Copy !req
388. Oh, this isn't good.Copy !req
389. Dude, close that fucking sun roof, dude!Copy !req
390. Fuck! Fuck! We're locked in!Copy !req
391. Oh, my God, that sucks!Copy !req
392. Do we let them out?Copy !req
393. They're fucking stinging my legs!Copy !req
394. Get the fuck off of me, dude!
You're getting them over here.Copy !req
395. You guys are fucking dicks, man. Fuck.Copy !req
396. They're on my feet!Copy !req
397. The poor driver's running around,
freaking out.Copy !req
398. That's so good.Copy !req
399. Sorry, bros.Copy !req
400. I pissed myself.Copy !req
401. One just got me, right now,
as we speak. Look at that.Copy !req
402. Fuck.Copy !req
403. - That was real funny, fuckers.
- Is there even a photo shoot?Copy !req
404. We're here with the Three 6 Mafia,
and it's time for the Rake Jump.Copy !req
405. Do it!Copy !req
406. What an idiot.Copy !req
407. I'm going to pay this motherfucker
right here 200 smackeroos,Copy !req
408. it's not counterfeit, it's real,
to eat horse shit.Copy !req
409. But it's all furry, though.Copy !req
410. - Eat it! Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!
- Go! Go! Go! Go!Copy !req
411. Really eat it, though. Chew, chew, chew!Copy !req
412. Swallow it!Copy !req
413. - Put your shades up!
- Hold the 200.Copy !req
414. - Come on, soldier!
- Don't even think about not swallowing.Copy !req
415. It's so dry!Copy !req
416. Don't even think about it!Copy !req
417. - Swallow it!
- Don't you even think about it.Copy !req
418. Don't you even think about it.Copy !req
419. - He ain't soft!
- Swallow it! Swallow it, nigga!Copy !req
420. Give him a beer, give him a beer.
Give it to him, give it to him!Copy !req
421. Really eat it, though.Copy !req
422. - I'm watching you.
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
423. Here, man.Copy !req
424. Dude, your breath smells like shit!Copy !req
425. We're here with Daniel Alvarez
from ALS Technologies and...Copy !req
426. weapons expertCopy !req
427. Why don't you explain what this is
and what we're gonna be doing?Copy !req
428. Well, this is the 460 Stingmore Mine.Copy !req
429. It has approximately 700
.45-caliber rubber balls in it.Copy !req
430. They'll fly out of there
at about 500 feet per second.Copy !req
431. They use these charges
on the outside of embassiesCopy !req
432. to protect the gates
from people trying to break in.Copy !req
433. - Looks like it's gonna suck.
- It is. I promise.Copy !req
434. Fire in the hole.Copy !req
435. - Fuck that, dude.
- Fucking Christ!Copy !req
436. That is great!Copy !req
437. I'm about to, like,
have an anxiety attack.Copy !req
438. I just can't do this one.
It's just too gnarly.Copy !req
439. Dude, Knoxville is...Copy !req
440. If Knoxville goes in there, dude,Copy !req
441. I'll French kiss him.Copy !req
442. - Are you insane?
- No. All you got to do is stand there.Copy !req
443. Yeah, and get killed? Look at that thing.Copy !req
444. - That thing blew the hell up.
- It's just loud.Copy !req
445. It's going to hurt really bad,
but it's just loud.Copy !req
446. You're nuts.Copy !req
447. - No, no, no. Come on. It's footage.
- You're nuts.Copy !req
448. riot control testCopy !req
449. Son of a... Fuck you.Copy !req
450. Holy shit!Copy !req
451. All you guys are fucking assholes.Copy !req
452. - You all right, Bam?
- You all right?Copy !req
453. My God.Copy !req
454. - Are you crying?
- I think he's hurt.Copy !req
455. Can we give Bam some water?Copy !req
456. Maybe a Shirley Temple.Copy !req
457. I'm crying. I'm a fucking skateboarder
and I'm getting shot.Copy !req
458. They all went for my stomach.Copy !req
459. I got hit in the legs worse.Copy !req
460. Those... Did any get me in the face?Copy !req
461. You got hit in the stomach pretty good.Copy !req
462. - That was great.
- That was.Copy !req
463. - Thanks, fellas.
- Yeah. Appreciate it.Copy !req
464. Hey, is this okay?Copy !req
465. Then we're good.Copy !req
466. Do you like painting models?Copy !req
467. Yeah, but I don't need models
for this type of work.Copy !req
468. Okay.Copy !req
469. - It looks very vaginal and feminine.
- Well, thank you.Copy !req
470. - And sexual.
- Thank you.Copy !req
471. - Yes, thank you. It's beautiful.
- Thank you.Copy !req
472. It's time to play a game
with a bunch of these medicine balls.Copy !req
473. And they're heavy as shit.Copy !req
474. It's on!Copy !req
475. medicine ball dodge-ballCopy !req
476. - This is Medicine Ball Dodgeball.
- In the dark.Copy !req
477. Can't see anything.Copy !req
478. What did you think?Copy !req
479. That was fun. Let's never do that again.Copy !req
480. Ever!Copy !req
481. Three, two, one!Copy !req
482. Holy...Copy !req
483. Who'd want to do that?Copy !req
484. - You're not doing that.
- Who's going first?Copy !req
485. What rhymes with Dunn?Copy !req
486. Fun.Copy !req
487. - Ready, sailor?
- No.Copy !req
488. - This is dumb.
- This is going to be dope.Copy !req
489. Oh, my gosh.Copy !req
490. Oh, my God. Oh, jeez.Copy !req
491. Get me out of this!Copy !req
492. You're a fucking dick.Copy !req
493. - That was mean.
- He needs help.Copy !req
494. - That was so mean.
- You are an asshole.Copy !req
495. That was totally not me.
I had nothing to do with it.Copy !req
496. You pulled it down!Copy !req
497. I didn't!Copy !req
498. Oh, my God, my hip. I think I gave birth.Copy !req
499. Hi, I'm John Waters,
and this is the Magic Trick.Copy !req
500. the magic trickCopy !req
501. We're gonna make Wee Man disappear.Copy !req
502. Where'd he go?Copy !req
503. Very nice.Copy !req
504. That's great.Copy !req
505. You're the best magician ever, John.Copy !req
506. Thank you so much. Thank you.Copy !req
507. the gauntletCopy !req
508. Hello, I'm Johnny KnoxvilleCopy !req
509. and I'm here with Mat Hoffman
and Tony HawkCopy !req
510. and this is the Gauntlet.Copy !req
511. I just gave him a chest pass!Copy !req
512. Open the windows!Copy !req
513. This is the Toro Totter.Copy !req
514. It's me and Pontius vs. Dunn and BamCopy !req
515. and the last man on the teeter-totter
is the winner.Copy !req
516. It's gonna be a bloodbath.Copy !req
517. Oh, yes!Copy !req
518. What did I do?Copy !req
519. What did I do?Copy !req
520. Dunn, stay there!Copy !req
521. So why did I agree to do this one?Copy !req
522. Ryan, run! Ryan, run!Copy !req
523. My God.Copy !req
524. Shit.Copy !req
525. Bam, where are you going?Copy !req
526. I am not doing that.Copy !req
527. Fuck that.Copy !req
528. Down to two!Copy !req
529. I got hit in the back good.Copy !req
530. Hey, Knoxville. Oh, shit!Copy !req
531. God damn it. Fucking shit. Fuck.Copy !req
532. - You all right?
- Yeah. Hold on.Copy !req
533. What do you mean, "Hold on"?
The bull's not going to hold on.Copy !req
534. Oh, my fucking leg!
God damn, these bulls are strong.Copy !req
535. Oh, God.Copy !req
536. I'm not out!Copy !req
537. Oh, my God.Copy !req
538. I'm still not out!Copy !req
539. All right, that's it. That's it.Copy !req
540. Oh, my God.Copy !req
541. Keep God out of California!Copy !req
542. Tell Charlie Daniels
to write a song about this!Copy !req
543. God is out! He can have the other 48.Copy !req
544. Or 49, whatever.Copy !req
545. God, I landed straight on my head.
Oh, man, that hurt.Copy !req
546. Dude, I'm fucked.Copy !req
547. I'm Steve-O and sorry, Dad,Copy !req
548. but nobody's going to miss this
for the world.Copy !req
549. This is the Butt Chug.Copy !req
550. butt chugCopy !req
551. Oh, no.Copy !req
552. - I'll hold this while you bulldog it.
- Get it in there.Copy !req
553. - Ram it in there.
- It's really got to get in there.Copy !req
554. - Open wide!
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
555. - Take it.
- Just relax.Copy !req
556. Relax. Yeah, do your little...Copy !req
557. I'm staring right down Main Street.
It's not looking any good at all.Copy !req
558. You're starting to enjoy that, aren't you?Copy !req
559. Oh, shit.Copy !req
560. There it goes! There it goes!Copy !req
561. - Keep it going.
- There we go.Copy !req
562. - Chug!
- Chug it!Copy !req
563. - Take it all!
- Oh, yeah!Copy !req
564. - Take it.
- I think your asshole's prehensile.Copy !req
565. You got it! You got it!Copy !req
566. Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!Copy !req
567. You got this! Keep on going!Copy !req
568. Come on, you've almost got it!Copy !req
569. Two more sips left.Copy !req
570. - Oh, my God.
- Give me a profile, Steve.Copy !req
571. He's peeing like a girl!Copy !req
572. Steve-O, if your asshole can't
see the camera,Copy !req
573. then the camera can't see your asshole.Copy !req
574. - The camera's over here!
- Right there, right there, right there.Copy !req
575. Look at Lance!
Lance can't stop laughing.Copy !req
576. He's doesn't know how to face
the cameras when he's peeing.Copy !req
577. Oh, my God.Copy !req
578. - I think we broke Lance.
- I know.Copy !req
579. I think I still have beer in my ass,
but I can't get it out.Copy !req
580. Use the bottle. Put the bottleCopy !req
581. - up your ass.
- Use the plunger!Copy !req
582. - Oh, yeah, the plunger.
- Yeah, plunge his asshole.Copy !req
583. You'd better shit piss, ass-wipe!Copy !req
584. All right, let's go to the bar.Copy !req
585. Perfect.Copy !req
586. Fuck.Copy !req
587. I'm Ryan Dunn,
and this is the Rocket Cart.Copy !req
588. Five, four, three, two, one...Copy !req
589. Bye-bye.Copy !req
590. - I think I broke my tail-bone.
- Really? On the water?Copy !req
591. Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville
and this is the Anaconda Ball Pit.Copy !req
592. anaconda ball pitCopy !req
593. Oh, fuck!Copy !req
594. I have on a cup and that still hurts.Copy !req
595. Anacondas are expert at camouflage.
They're ambush hunters.Copy !req
596. - So, what does that mean?
- They surprise you.Copy !req
597. I don't know
if I'm gonna be that surprised.Copy !req
598. You guys got to catch these guys, man.
They tried to kill J-Lo and Ice Cube.Copy !req
599. Yeah, I know. I know.Copy !req
600. - Is something on your mind?
- Don't fucking push me.Copy !req
601. I'm on your team.Copy !req
602. You got him.Copy !req
603. Get the other camera.Copy !req
604. Grab him.Copy !req
605. Fuck!Copy !req
606. Oh, man.Copy !req
607. - Dude, he is bleeding a lot.
- Yeah.Copy !req
608. He's starting to smell you guys.Copy !req
609. Dude, you guys are doing excellent.Copy !req
610. Real good. You guys got it.Copy !req
611. Get him. You got him.Copy !req
612. You guys got him! You guys got him.Copy !req
613. Oh, no, Dunn's getting coiled. Oh, shit.Copy !req
614. Get your fucking hands off me!Copy !req
615. You guys have been doing good.Copy !req
616. Where'd his head go?Copy !req
617. He's buried.Copy !req
618. - You got him!
- Yeah!Copy !req
619. - I have seized the snake.
- Yeah.Copy !req
620. It's fucking wrapped around my arm.Copy !req
621. Just take him to Manny.
Take him to Manny.Copy !req
622. Hey, Manny, come here a minute.Copy !req
623. I got him.Copy !req
624. Oh, my God, you got nailed.Copy !req
625. I didn't do anything. He did all the work.Copy !req
626. All right. We seized the snake.Copy !req
627. Run, Ryan, run!Copy !req
628. Oh, shit.
We forgot about the other snake.Copy !req
629. This is the Ice Horse.Copy !req
630. the ice horseCopy !req
631. See if your balls will stick to the horse.Copy !req
632. - Come on! For the bros.
- You want me to do it?Copy !req
633. - It's for the bros. Come on.
- It's not gonna stick.Copy !req
634. Yeah, it can stick.Copy !req
635. You just need a little water.Copy !req
636. Anybody got some water?Copy !req
637. - Great.
- Thanks!Copy !req
638. - Don't think about it. Just do it.
- All right.Copy !req
639. You are assholes.Copy !req
640. God, your legs are white.Copy !req
641. Here. You've got to really
get the water on the balls.Copy !req
642. Oh, that's horrible-looking!Copy !req
643. It's yanking my hair!Copy !req
644. Are you done?Copy !req
645. - What an ass!
- Oh, my God!Copy !req
646. I ripped my skin off.Copy !req
647. Oh, look. Look at the blister.Copy !req
648. Look at him gallop.Copy !req
649. Hey! There's poop, hair and more poop!Copy !req
650. I'm Wee Man,
and this is the Swamp Chute.Copy !req
651. the swamp chuteCopy !req
652. Holy shit, dude. You all right?Copy !req
653. What? I can't hear, kind of.Copy !req
654. "I can't hear, kind of"!Copy !req
655. You skipped across the water like a rock.Copy !req
656. Dude, you were at least
an 80-mile-an-hour fastball.Copy !req
657. Oh, my God.Copy !req
658. When you step into this suit,
magic happens.Copy !req
659. Today, we're in Carmen de ArricoCopy !req
660. with our friend Serg,
and he is going to show usCopy !req
661. how to milk a horseCopy !req
662. The way we're gonna do that is,Copy !req
663. they're gonna bring over a stallion
who's gonna be hot to trot.Copy !req
664. And they're gonna have the mare here.Copy !req
665. And as soon as the stallion mounts
the mare,Copy !req
666. we're going to grab the stallion's penisCopy !req
667. and put it into this fake horse vagina.Copy !req
668. The old switcheroo.Copy !req
669. What a mean trick.Copy !req
670. - Here we go.
- Here comes the stallion.Copy !req
671. He's got the craziest look in his eye.Copy !req
672. I've seen that same look
in your eye, Pontius.Copy !req
673. It's game on, guys.Copy !req
674. Oh, boy. Here we go. Here we go.Copy !req
675. Oh, boy.Copy !req
676. Okay. We got the penis
into the fake horsy vagina.Copy !req
677. I think I feel the tip of it.Copy !req
678. Somebody cradle the balls.Copy !req
679. He lasts longer than you, Steve-O.Copy !req
680. Success!Copy !req
681. - Oh, my God.
- He just pleasured a horse.Copy !req
682. Is it okay to drink?Copy !req
683. Yeah.Copy !req
684. No problem.Copy !req
685. If I do this, this gives me an outCopy !req
686. for something bad I'm going to do
in the future.Copy !req
687. Absolutely. Absolutely.Copy !req
688. - All right. It's on video.
- Okay.Copy !req
689. That is such a huge load.Copy !req
690. I don't know, man.
I could have pictured...Copy !req
691. Can you test that out?Copy !req
692. That's semen, all right.Copy !req
693. I never puke, ever,
and I really almost puked then.Copy !req
694. I'm ashamed of myself.Copy !req
695. I really am.Copy !req
696. I'm completely ashamed of myself.Copy !req
697. - Ready?
- Yeah, I'm ready. Are you ready?Copy !req
698. You're not going to break through, anyway.Copy !req
699. - Pontius, you think you can do two boards?
- Yeah.Copy !req
700. What's Bruce Lee do?
That power-breathing.Copy !req
701. I think I got it.Copy !req
702. Oh, my God!Copy !req
703. I was so not ready for that!Copy !req
704. We're at the WidowmakerCopy !req
705. the big tire raceCopy !req
706. and this is the Big Tire Race.Copy !req
707. - I can't get in this thing.
- Yes, you can.Copy !req
708. I guarantee you're getting in it.Copy !req
709. Oh, crap.Copy !req
710. - On your mark!
- Fuck!Copy !req
711. Get set! Go!Copy !req
712. - You are fucked.
- Oh, shit!Copy !req
713. - I'm stuck in here!
- Dude.Copy !req
714. We got you, buddy.Copy !req
715. I hate that. I hate it so bad!Copy !req
716. - Fucking sucky.
- Why do you hate it?Copy !req
717. I'm bouncing in my fucking head.Copy !req
718. - You got it, Ehren.
- Here, Ehren.Copy !req
719. - Jesus Christ, you got a fat fucking ass.
- You got to help!Copy !req
720. Oh, fuck!Copy !req
721. We're here in India
and we found a leech healerCopy !req
722. the leech healerCopy !req
723. and these boys need a little healing.Copy !req
724. - Doc, can you help us?
- Yeah, why not?Copy !req
725. They are having disorders like...Copy !req
726. which treated
by the leech application...Copy !req
727. detoxification of the blood,
we apply leech for them.Copy !req
728. If leeches are that great at healing,Copy !req
729. let's see what they can do
for my eyeball.Copy !req
730. God damn it.Copy !req
731. Leech can not suck blood from that
body part, if that is not impure.Copy !req
732. - Jesus Christ.
- Look over here. Look over here.Copy !req
733. Okay, this is the mouth.Copy !req
734. Here we go.Copy !req
735. - This way.
- Come on.Copy !req
736. Come on, leech.Copy !req
737. - Oh, he's eyeballing you.
- I think we'd...Copy !req
738. He's on my eyeball!Copy !req
739. No, wait, wait!Copy !req
740. Okay, stand up and keep your eye open.Copy !req
741. Keep your eye open.
Keep your eye open, Steve-O!Copy !req
742. Steve-O, keep your eye open! Open!Copy !req
743. Open! Open, toward... No!Copy !req
744. Look!Copy !req
745. Relax. Relax.Copy !req
746. Does it look cool?Copy !req
747. Yeah. It got you about right there.Copy !req
748. I just had a leech chomp my eyeball.Copy !req
749. Yes!Copy !req
750. Way to go.Copy !req
751. Are these all for sale today?Copy !req
752. Yeah. Five dollars.Copy !req
753. Oh, why, they're beautiful shirts.Copy !req
754. They're beautiful colors.Copy !req
755. This one's really nice.Copy !req
756. - Do you think that...
- Oh, shit.Copy !req
757. I'd like to buy, maybe, the one...Copy !req
758. Hey, your titty out.Copy !req
759. - What's that?
- He said your shirt is open.Copy !req
760. - Put this shirt on?
- No, your shirt!Copy !req
761. Your thing is hanging out
of your shirt, ma'am. What are you doing?Copy !req
762. Put your shirt back on.Copy !req
763. Which one was the one you thought
I should get?Copy !req
764. Leave me alone!Copy !req
765. Bam is absolutely terrified of snakes,
so we brought David Weathers hereCopy !req
766. to surprise him during the next bit.Copy !req
767. King cobra.Copy !req
768. Jesus...Copy !req
769. Oh, my God.Copy !req
770. It's cool. It's been de-venomized.Copy !req
771. I'm Bam Margera
and this is the Wind Tunnel!Copy !req
772. wind tunnelCopy !req
773. Oh, my God. What?Copy !req
774. Bam, cock out. Cock out.Copy !req
775. No, no, no! No, no!Copy !req
776. A fucking cobra, dude?Copy !req
777. Yo, yo, yo, I don't like him
staring like that.Copy !req
778. Oh, dude, you guys are
fucking such total dickheads.Copy !req
779. - Are you crying?
- Yeah.Copy !req
780. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
781. He's on to you.Copy !req
782. I'm done.Copy !req
783. Oh, boy! Oh, boy!Copy !req
784. Dave, Dave!Copy !req
785. Yo, that is coolest shit
I've seen in long time.Copy !req
786. White boy don't like snakes.Copy !req
787. What's your strategy up there?Copy !req
788. My strategy is staying up
on the fucking vanCopy !req
789. because I don't trust anybody.Copy !req
790. I should have thought about it more,Copy !req
791. - but I was sipping on beer. I was like,
- That's what I said.Copy !req
792. "Why the fuck is snake dude in Louisiana?"Copy !req
793. - I just told Chris.
- Then I do my bitCopy !req
794. and then all of a sudden a king cobra
comes into the fucking thing.Copy !req
795. I'm like... Dude, I'm staying up here.Copy !req
796. You fuckers are asses.
I don't trust anybody.Copy !req
797. And you made me waste my beer.Copy !req
798. - Fucking hell.
- Fuck this.Copy !req
799. I'm Steve-O, and this is the Fart Mask.Copy !req
800. the fart maskCopy !req
801. I took a fucking shit in it!Copy !req
802. There's shit in there.Copy !req
803. I got a shitty ass.
I got to go wipe it out.Copy !req
804. That's like, the perfect poop.Copy !req
805. I'm Dave England
and this is my big, green ball.Copy !req
806. I need you to put baby powderCopy !req
807. in my butt hole.Copy !req
808. You need me to put...Copy !req
809. - Put a lot in there.
- Yeah, yeah. That's great.Copy !req
810. JEFF TREMAINECopy !req
811. What was that?Copy !req
812. Did it go "poof"?Copy !req
813. Did it go "poof"?Copy !req
814. It did?Copy !req
815. old man ballsCopy !req
816. Sorry.Copy !req
817. Oh, sorry.Copy !req
818. Do you have these in size 11?Copy !req
819. Let me just see.Copy !req
820. These are good.Copy !req
821. - Sir!
- Leave me alone!Copy !req
822. You come on in here.Copy !req
823. You go that way. I don't care, dude.Copy !req
824. Police!Copy !req
825. He's a frisky little bugger!Copy !req
826. I am so sorry!Copy !req
827. Oh, my God! It reminded me of my ex-wife!Copy !req
828. It's the middle of the night.Copy !req
829. We're gonna wake up Phil
and swap him with Preston,Copy !req
830. and Ape's gonna lose her mind.Copy !req
831. This is the Switcheroo.Copy !req
832. the switcherooCopy !req
833. It's all right.Copy !req
834. Don't be afraid to get frisky.Copy !req
835. I'm gonna kill you in a minute.Copy !req
836. Phil, back up.Copy !req
837. Back up!Copy !req
838. Back up.Copy !req
839. Oh, my God. What are you doing?Copy !req
840. Are you all right? Jesus Christ.
Are you...Copy !req
841. Are you...Copy !req
842. Phil?Copy !req
843. Phil?Copy !req
844. Phil?Copy !req
845. What are you doing?
What are you doing?Copy !req
846. - What?
- What?Copy !req
847. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!Copy !req
848. Oh, my God!Copy !req
849. Who is that? Who is that?Copy !req
850. Who is that?Copy !req
851. That's not your dad. Who is that?
Who is that? Where's the light?Copy !req
852. - How you doing, ma'am?
- What? Who?Copy !req
853. - I went to get a drink. What's going on?
- Oh, my god!Copy !req
854. Oh, my God!Copy !req
855. Man, I just felt like
I was committing assault.Copy !req
856. Phil, he copped a feel.Copy !req
857. He got away with it, then.Copy !req
858. Have you ever been
with another man before?Copy !req
859. Did he feel fatter?Copy !req
860. Did he feel fatter?Copy !req
861. You can answer. I won't be mad.Copy !req
862. I just assaulted you!
You can say whatever you want!Copy !req
863. No, you felt shorter.Copy !req
864. - No, you can say anything you want.
- You felt that part?Copy !req
865. That's it. I'm going to bed now.Copy !req
866. Oh, Jesus.Copy !req
867. Oh, shit.Copy !req
868. What was that shit?
It's fucking in my eyes.Copy !req
869. What the fuck was that?Copy !req
870. Oh, my...Copy !req
871. I fucking don't understand.Copy !req
872. What the fuck did you do to me?Copy !req
873. What the fuck was that?Copy !req
874. That fucked me up, man.Copy !req
875. Let's go inside, man.Copy !req
876. - Are you okay?
- Oh, fuck, dude.Copy !req
877. We got a medic inside.Copy !req
878. It's moments like these when you know
Johnny Knoxville is one gnarly dude.Copy !req
879. I'm so glad
I'm not the star of this movie.Copy !req
880. Knoxville's gonna see
what the moon's gonna look like.Copy !req
881. He is gonna go definitely
60 feet up in the air.Copy !req
882. He's gonna get annihilated.
But I don't wanna tell him that.Copy !req
883. You're gonna be just fine!Copy !req
884. Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville,
and this is my Big Red Rocket.Copy !req
885. big red rocketCopy !req
886. Five, four, three, two, one...Copy !req
887. Go.Copy !req
888. What the fuck was that?Copy !req
889. Holy shit!Copy !req
890. Oh, my God, he almost died
and he's dancing.Copy !req
891. Usually, rockets fail backwards
and forwards, I was told,Copy !req
892. but there was a rocket
that came out the side.Copy !req
893. If it had been, like, right here,Copy !req
894. that would have been a picture wrap
on old Knoxville.Copy !req
895. And now we're trying it again.
It's rocket launch, take two.Copy !req
896. I'm scared just watching.Copy !req
897. - I want a Lance helmet.
- I have full, like, adrenaline.Copy !req
898. Even if the rocket doesn't blow up
on me this time,Copy !req
899. there's really not a lot of great ways
for it to end, anyway.Copy !req
900. - This isn't the best idea ever.
- Yes, it is.Copy !req
901. I'm Johnny Knoxville,
and I'm going to the moon!Copy !req
902. Five, four, three, two, one...Copy !req
903. Later!Copy !req
904. Are you okay?Copy !req
905. Give us a thumbs-up!Copy !req
906. So what's going on, Preston?
What are we doing today?Copy !req
907. We're playing a prank on Danger Ehren.Copy !req
908. I think that we're gonna
decorate him up like a terrorist,Copy !req
909. with full makeup and wardrobe,Copy !req
910. and him and Dimitry are gonna call a cab,Copy !req
911. the idea being to play a prank
on the taxi driver,Copy !req
912. that they wanna go to the airport,Copy !req
913. I guess to commit
some sort of terrorist act.Copy !req
914. - So, Ehren, where are you going?
- Yeah, where are you going?Copy !req
915. I'm going to Burbank Airport.Copy !req
916. And, meanwhile, we've substituted
the taxi driver with Jay Chandrasekhar.Copy !req
917. And he is going to punch Ehren in the face
and possibly pull a gun on him.Copy !req
918. If he tries to say we're filming,Copy !req
919. just go, "Don't talk to me anymore!"Copy !req
920. And slap him like this.
You can slap him a lot, too.Copy !req
921. I don't know how he'll handle this.
It's pretty high-pressure.Copy !req
922. And I don't think
he does well under pressure.Copy !req
923. All right, so here I amCopy !req
924. two days earlierCopy !req
925. trying to contribute
to Ehren McGhehey's new beard.Copy !req
926. And I hope he knows that I skipped
showering for about a week and a halfCopy !req
927. just to make this a little bit more gross.Copy !req
928. Sorry, Ehren.Copy !req
929. Look at the mane on him!Copy !req
930. Someone's got to pick that
out of their teeth.Copy !req
931. I'd be so bummed
if I was Ehren right now.Copy !req
932. You, like, put powder in there?Copy !req
933. Yeah, I put a little Gold Bond on
this morning.Copy !req
934. Tickles!Copy !req
935. One of the most toxic concoctions
known to man.Copy !req
936. It's a disease nest.Copy !req
937. Mine, you don't need a lot of.Copy !req
938. It's like just a little bit
of rattlesnake venom will get you.Copy !req
939. Is that the whole patch?Copy !req
940. Wait, I'm just wondering.
Mike, is that a crab?Copy !req
941. - What's that white speck on top?
- What is that?Copy !req
942. That's a crab.Copy !req
943. Mike's got crabs.Copy !req
944. Hey, guys! Guys! Mike's got crabs!Copy !req
945. What's that?Copy !req
946. This? Spirit gum. It's like, the adhesiveCopy !req
947. that's gonna keep the beard on.Copy !req
948. How's the dialog? I mean,
I've never, like, done this before.Copy !req
949. - It's a game, you know.
- Compliment him, followed by an insult.Copy !req
950. - This is fucked, dude.
- Just don't break the character.Copy !req
951. All right, Ehren, the main thing,Copy !req
952. you cannot tell him
you're from any country in particular.Copy !req
953. This is such a good bit.
It's muffed up, but it's great.Copy !req
954. Close your mouth. Relax.Copy !req
955. We're making you look
like what we thinkCopy !req
956. this guy expects a terrorist to look like.Copy !req
957. You're not making fun of anybody.
We're just trying to scare the cab driver.Copy !req
958. I kind of already know that.Copy !req
959. Father. Hello, Father.Copy !req
960. You shut up.
I told you to come here earlier.Copy !req
961. - I'm sorry, Father.
- You are late. You cannot be accepted.Copy !req
962. - I have disgraced you.
- Where have you been,Copy !req
963. you little bastard?Copy !req
964. - I have been making a number two.
- Oh.Copy !req
965. Ehren, you are king.Copy !req
966. Thank you very much.Copy !req
967. What are you laughing at?
You people, you.Copy !req
968. Bam Margera and shit.Copy !req
969. Look how sweet the beard is, Jeff.Copy !req
970. Hello.Copy !req
971. - Hello. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.Copy !req
972. I look creepy, man.
I wish that I was born this way.Copy !req
973. You sound like schtick now.
Don't turn it into a comedy routine.Copy !req
974. No, very good. I know what to do now.Copy !req
975. No, I think there's gonna be some...Copy !req
976. So, we have two cameras following...Copy !req
977. Excuse me.Copy !req
978. Hello?Copy !req
979. I'd like to say, for not ever having
done makeup before your disguise,Copy !req
980. I feel pretty...
like I've achieved something.Copy !req
981. I feel like I'm eating pubes right now.Copy !req
982. I got this shit all in my mouth.Copy !req
983. - Is it on the corner?
- Yes, it's like I'm chewing on this shit.Copy !req
984. - Is this real hair?
- No. Go like this.Copy !req
985. I'm going to get it out of your mouth.Copy !req
986. Okay. Does that feel better?Copy !req
987. Well, I still got it
on the back of my tongue.Copy !req
988. There. Out?Copy !req
989. Yeah, very good.Copy !req
990. - Very expert.
- Thank you.Copy !req
991. Hello, my name is Ehren McGhehey
and this is Terror Taxi.Copy !req
992. terror taxiCopy !req
993. Now I shall call to taxi.Copy !req
994. Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the best skit of this movie.Copy !req
995. The cab's here. We're on. We're on.
Let's do it.Copy !req
996. - He has no clue.
- I don't want the makeup to bleed.Copy !req
997. - We get to listen the whole time?
- I'm so glad I hopped in this van.Copy !req
998. Oh, my God.Copy !req
999. He's feeling the part so hard
and he has no clue.Copy !req
1000. It's all downhill from here.Copy !req
1001. To the Burbank Airport, please.Copy !req
1002. Okay.Copy !req
1003. - Where are you guys from?
- It's none of your business, I'm sorry.Copy !req
1004. You got any luggage or...Copy !req
1005. No, no luggage where we going.Copy !req
1006. I do not like this country
very much, though.Copy !req
1007. I like the countryside, though.
The countryside is good.Copy !req
1008. And the breasts.Copy !req
1009. Yeah, I'm married.Copy !req
1010. What size is your wife's breasts?Copy !req
1011. Yeah, well, let's just leave my wife
out of it, okay?Copy !req
1012. Very good, very good.Copy !req
1013. Are they bigger than a D?Copy !req
1014. I love Ds.Copy !req
1015. Do you want me to fucking pull over?
I mean, is that the fuck...Copy !req
1016. No. I'm very sorry. I will not talk.Copy !req
1017. There's an airplane, there!Copy !req
1018. We are very, very close.Copy !req
1019. Boom! We are very, very close.Copy !req
1020. What does that mean, "Boom"?Copy !req
1021. Boom! Like, "Boom! Kaboom!"
and all that.Copy !req
1022. There is the airport back there.
Which way are you going?Copy !req
1023. Where you going? Where are you going?
Where are you going?Copy !req
1024. Where are you going, man?
Where are you going?Copy !req
1025. Do not go down the alleyway.
Very scary. Stop it! Fuck you!Copy !req
1026. Fuck you! Fuck you!
You are a crazy man. Fuck you up!Copy !req
1027. Fuck you! Asshole!Copy !req
1028. Shit fucker! Shit fucker! Asshole!Copy !req
1029. Fucking money, I give you money,
lots of money!Copy !req
1030. Boom! Boom! Boom!
I'll blow us up right now!Copy !req
1031. Right now! Right now I'll blow you up!Copy !req
1032. What the fuck is up, man?Copy !req
1033. What the fuck is going on?
He's got a fucking gun, man.Copy !req
1034. I got a bomb, dude!Copy !req
1035. Fuck you! I got a fucking bomb, dude!Copy !req
1036. Dude, get the fuck off of me!Copy !req
1037. Get the fuck off me!
Get the fuck off of me!Copy !req
1038. We're just filming a skit!Copy !req
1039. Get the fuck off of me!Copy !req
1040. - What do you want me to do?
- Get on the floor.Copy !req
1041. - What do you want me to do?
- Get on the fucking floor.Copy !req
1042. Just get on the floor, dude.Copy !req
1043. Lay down.Copy !req
1044. This is fucked.Copy !req
1045. Lay down on your face.Copy !req
1046. What the fuck, dude? I mean, come on!Copy !req
1047. - You got a fucking—
- I fucking knew it, dude!Copy !req
1048. He fucking carries a gun.
This is bullshit.Copy !req
1049. Just do what he says.
Just do what the fuck he says, dude.Copy !req
1050. Stay there.
I'm gonna fucking call the cops.Copy !req
1051. This guy's got a fucking gun, dumbshits!Copy !req
1052. Come on! Get the fuck out here!Copy !req
1053. Don't fucking move!Copy !req
1054. Don't point the gun at me anymore,Copy !req
1055. - Then lay down!
- you piece of shit!Copy !req
1056. - Fuck!
- Just fucking relax, dude.Copy !req
1057. Fuck, it's a gun, dude.Copy !req
1058. Fuck!Copy !req
1059. - What the fuck do you want from us?
- Get up!Copy !req
1060. Get up, Ehren. Get the fuck up.Copy !req
1061. Why? Why should I get up?Copy !req
1062. - You have me on the fucking ground.
- Ehren, he has a fucking gun.Copy !req
1063. Just get the fuck up, dude.
We gotta get the fuck out of here.Copy !req
1064. - Get in there.
- No, fuck you.Copy !req
1065. - Just do what he says, dude.
- Get in there.Copy !req
1066. Get the fuck in the trunk.Copy !req
1067. He's got a fucking gun pointed at me,Copy !req
1068. - fuckface, asshole, cocksucker!
- Get in the fucking trunk!Copy !req
1069. Dude, get in the trunk.Copy !req
1070. If you fuck me up, I will fucking
find you, somehow, or something.Copy !req
1071. - Just get in.
- Seriously.Copy !req
1072. Why am I getting in the fucking back
of this fucking cab, dude?Copy !req
1073. - He's got a fucking gun!
- Get the fuck back here!Copy !req
1074. Dude, just fucking put the gun down!Copy !req
1075. You shut the fuck up!Copy !req
1076. - Oh fuck, dude!
- Holy shit!Copy !req
1077. - What the fuck, dude?
- Get the fuck on the ground!Copy !req
1078. I'm fucking serious!Copy !req
1079. I'm bleeding.Copy !req
1080. No, no! Dude, we're filming.Copy !req
1081. - Fuck you! Get the fuck out of here!
- No, we're fucking filming!Copy !req
1082. That's Bam Margera, dumbshit!
He's famous!Copy !req
1083. Look, there's cameras,
there's a sound guy.Copy !req
1084. We're filming a fucking movie, dude.Copy !req
1085. This guy's got a dynamite vest on!Copy !req
1086. Hey, put the gun down, dude!Copy !req
1087. What the fuck?Copy !req
1088. He shot me!Copy !req
1089. Preston, you fucking idiot!
Get me the fuck out of here!Copy !req
1090. - Fuck this!
- Please, sir! Please, sir!Copy !req
1091. - Fuck! Fuck!
- Sir, please!Copy !req
1092. - Please! Stop!
- Sir, please!Copy !req
1093. What the fuck?Copy !req
1094. Dude, get me out of here!Copy !req
1095. Oh, shit!Copy !req
1096. Oh, shit!Copy !req
1097. Oh, God, no!Copy !req
1098. Oh, fuck. I'm going to fucking die.Copy !req
1099. Why the fuck did I agree to do this shit?
Dude, it wasn't even my fucking idea.Copy !req
1100. Fucking fuck.Copy !req
1101. Oh, my God, dude.Copy !req
1102. I can't believe that shit, dude.Copy !req
1103. What the fuck, are you an actor
or some bullshit?Copy !req
1104. - Come on.
- Fucking crap, dude!Copy !req
1105. I almost shit my pants.
I'm not even kidding.Copy !req
1106. Dude, that was so awesome.Copy !req
1107. Oh, God, dude, I'm so happy
right now. Seriously.Copy !req
1108. Oh, my God. I was so worried.Copy !req
1109. Fuck.Copy !req
1110. I get it. It's a prank on a prank, yeah.Copy !req
1111. He fucking pulled out
a gun on me, dude.Copy !req
1112. Look where your beard came from.Copy !req
1113. Look, look! I'll show you!Copy !req
1114. Look at my patch!Copy !req
1115. Look! That's all our pubes.Copy !req
1116. You should try and get that off.
I don't know...Copy !req
1117. Oh, my God, dude, that sucks.Copy !req
1118. Every time it gets
fucking worse and worse!Copy !req
1119. You guys didn't fuckingCopy !req
1120. - super-glue that, did you?
- Fuck! Shit!Copy !req
1121. No!Copy !req
1122. That sucks! I told you not to do that!Copy !req
1123. Ehren, come on!
Why are you getting mad at me?Copy !req
1124. I got your dick hair
all over my fucking face!Copy !req
1125. This sucks, dude!
Give me something to get this shit off.Copy !req
1126. This shit was in my mouth!Copy !req
1127. How are you going to explain crabs
on your face?Copy !req
1128. This shit was all over my fucking mouth!Copy !req
1129. It wasn't from my dick.
Some of it was from my ass.Copy !req
1130. Oh, God, this is so bad.Copy !req
1131. Look at this. This is from Derek.Copy !req
1132. "Okay, who brought crabs to the party?
Fuck me."Copy !req
1133. One of the guys had crabs!Copy !req
1134. Seriously, like,
was the dick hair necessary?Copy !req
1135. Absolutely.Copy !req
1136. Like, was that the big payoff?Copy !req
1137. Like, "Ha, ha,
dick hairs glued on his face"?Copy !req
1138. - Is it itching?
- It's in my mouth.Copy !req
1139. Why'd you put it in your mouth?Copy !req
1140. I'm Johnny Knoxville
and this is the Bear Trap.Copy !req
1141. the bear trapCopy !req
1142. The best of times is nowCopy !req
1143. What's left of summer but a faded rose?Copy !req
1144. The best of times is nowCopy !req
1145. As for tomorrow, well who knows
Who knows, who knowsCopy !req
1146. Get it off!Copy !req
1147. Get it off! Get it off!Copy !req
1148. The best of times is nowCopy !req
1149. What's left of summer but a faded rose?Copy !req
1150. The best of times is nowCopy !req
1151. As for tomorrow, well who knows,
Who knows, who knowsCopy !req
1152. So hold this moment fastCopy !req
1153. And live and love
As hard as you know howCopy !req
1154. And make this moment lastCopy !req
1155. Because the best of times is nowCopy !req
1156. Is now, is nowCopy !req
1157. Fuck!Copy !req
1158. NowCopy !req
1159. Not some forgotten yesterdayCopy !req
1160. Now, tomorrow is too far awayCopy !req
1161. So hold this moment fastCopy !req
1162. And live and love
As hard as you know howCopy !req
1163. And make this moment lastCopy !req
1164. Because the best of times is nowCopy !req
1165. Is now, is nowCopy !req
1166. So hold this moment fastCopy !req
1167. And live and love as hard
As you know howCopy !req
1168. And make this moment lastCopy !req
1169. Because the best of times is now
Is now, is nowCopy !req
1170. Is nowCopy !req
1171. Is nowCopy !req
1172. I'll Jackass Two your ass.
Do me a favor.Copy !req
1173. And you wonder why I drink?
I drink to steady my nerves.Copy !req
1174. I was so steady,
I couldn't move last week!Copy !req
1175. I had vodka and prune juice.
It's called a pile-driver.Copy !req
1176. I'll be okay.Copy !req
1177. Please, God, don't let there
be a Jackass Three.Copy !req
1178. Please, please, God, don't let there
be a Jackass Three.Copy !req
1179. I don't even like doing Two.Copy !req
1180. Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville.Copy !req
1181. Welcome to India!Copy !req
1182. Can I get off his dick...Copy !req
1183. Way to go.Copy !req
1184. I don't like this at all!Copy !req
1185. Sorry, bro.Copy !req
1186. I didn't see you there.Copy !req
1187. I was headed over to Produce.Copy !req
1188. You knocked out my tooth again!Copy !req
1189. Look at Rick!Copy !req
1190. He fucking swallowed it?Copy !req
1191. Horse cum!Copy !req
1192. I'm not getting paid to be on camera,
you fucking dick.Copy !req
1193. That was great.Copy !req
1194. Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
1195. Yeah, what have you got?Copy !req
1196. Marker.Copy !req
1197. Don't drop your shit.Copy !req
1198. Just act like it hurts, okay?Copy !req
1199. Wow. I actually feel energized after that.Copy !req
1200. Oh my God, look!
Point it at the cameraman!Copy !req
1201. Into the sink!Copy !req
1202. In the sink!Copy !req
1203. - In the sink!
- In the sink!Copy !req
1204. - Are you lubed up?
- Yeah!Copy !req
1205. Hey, they're ready to go.
Do you want to shoot it?Copy !req
1206. You all right, buddy?Copy !req
1207. I'm all right, man.Copy !req
1208. Water-based lubricants. Friend or foe?Copy !req
1209. You be the judge.Copy !req
1210. Okay, I can't breathe.Copy !req
1211. Can you take it off, please?Copy !req
1212. - Oh, is this your fruit?
- No.Copy !req
1213. Oh, these are beautiful!
They're so round and lush.Copy !req
1214. - How much is the oranges?
- Six dollars.Copy !req
1215. Okay.Copy !req
1216. I accidentally cut myself.
I need a doctor, dude.Copy !req
1217. Doctor!Copy !req
1218. - We're supposed to catch these?
- Yeah!Copy !req
1219. You are fucking kidding!Copy !req
1220. Oh, my God!Copy !req
1221. No! Don't do that.Copy !req
1222. The snake is attracted to the heat.Copy !req
1223. Yeah, we got to get the mousey warm
for the snake.Copy !req
1224. But not too warm!Copy !req
1225. - Look at his face.
- He has a big raspberry.Copy !req
1226. A couple of them.Copy !req
1227. Shit!Copy !req
1228. What the fuck happened?Copy !req
1229. - Medic!
- Medic!Copy !req
1230. Someone said cut.Copy !req
1231. What's up, Bam?Copy !req
1232. I hate the fact that I had to fucking...Copy !req
1233. hang out with alligators
and fucking cobras.Copy !req
1234. I have dicks branded on my ass.Copy !req
1235. Everything fucking sucks.Copy !req
1236. Like, everybody's
just f-ing with me today.Copy !req
1237. And my Misfits sock.Copy !req
1238. It's not even funny anymore.Copy !req
1239. I want to go home.Copy !req