1. Holy shit!Copy !req
2. Oh, fuck!Copy !req
3. No, no, no!Copy !req
4. Oh, shit!Copy !req
5. Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville.
Welcome to Jackass!Copy !req
6. All right, boys and girls.
It's time for a puppet show.Copy !req
7. puppet showCopy !req
8. Once upon a time,
there was a hungry serpentCopy !req
9. and a lonely field mouse
who needed a friend.Copy !req
10. Hello, Mr. Serpent.Copy !req
11. My name is Mr. Mousey.
I wanna be your friend.Copy !req
12. Yeah, just make sure
my whole wiener's out. I wanna look good.Copy !req
13. How about if I tickle him on the tail?
Hey, over here.Copy !req
14. That's not nice.Copy !req
15. That's not the way we play back home.Copy !req
16. That was not nice.Copy !req
17. Dude.Copy !req
18. He's like an inch away.Copy !req
19. Here we go. Give me a little kissy.Copy !req
20. A little kiss.Copy !req
21. Oh, God!Copy !req
22. Oh, God, that hurts!Copy !req
23. It's got its tooth stuck in his dick!Copy !req
24. I guess the puppet show's over then.Copy !req
25. Oh, my God.Copy !req
26. "Hi, Jackass guys.Copy !req
27. the valentineCopy !req
28. "I heard you were staying at this hotel."Copy !req
29. - What the fuck is that?
- Dude, look at that.Copy !req
30. It's like... someone like...Copy !req
31. Look at it. What is this?
I can't even read it, dude.Copy !req
32. Read it out loud.Copy !req
33. "Hi, Jackass guys.
I heard you were staying at this hotel.Copy !req
34. My name is Stephanie
and me and my friends love you.Copy !req
35. Some of you actually hooked up
with my sister four years ago.Copy !req
36. I don't care about that."Copy !req
37. Oh! You fucking dick.Copy !req
38. Oh, my God.Copy !req
39. I was wondering
why it was so fucking small.Copy !req
40. Did you see this?Copy !req
41. Fucking fans just wrote this, like,
saying how much they want to fuck us.Copy !req
42. And it says...
Read it up close. It's fucking hilarious.Copy !req
43. - Read it out loud for the camera.
- Okay.Copy !req
44. "Some of you actually hooked up
with my sister four years ago."Copy !req
45. It was probably you.Copy !req
46. "And I don't care about that.Copy !req
47. Me and my friends will
totally rock your world.Copy !req
48. "I wanna fuck you all."Copy !req
49. It's the fucking stupidest thing
I've ever seen.Copy !req
50. Fans actually put that...
Read the little part, dude.Copy !req
51. Get Wee Man's little ass up here
but only if... no one be in the hall.Copy !req
52. - Just, like, Bam. He's selling it so good.
- Is there a chair out here?Copy !req
53. Wee Man, dude,
some girl wants to rock your world.Copy !req
54. Dude, you got to read this.
These fans put up this...Copy !req
55. Dude, stand on this.Copy !req
56. Read it out loud for the camera.
It's perfect "behind the scenes", dude.Copy !req
57. "Hi, Jackass guys.
I heard you were staying at this hotel.Copy !req
58. My name is Stephanie
and me and my friends love you.Copy !req
59. Some of you actually hooked up
with my sister four years ago.Copy !req
60. I don't care about that.Copy !req
61. "Me and my friends..."Copy !req
62. Oh, my God, that was amazing.Copy !req
63. He actually stood on the chair.Copy !req
64. Why would there ever be a chair
in the hallway?Copy !req
65. I'm Dave England,
and this is the Firehose Rodeo.Copy !req
66. firehose rodeoCopy !req
67. Fucking hell!Copy !req
68. God damn it!Copy !req
69. Oh, shit!Copy !req
70. - Bravo, homo.
- Did you see how he slammed?Copy !req
71. My ass hurts so fucking bad!Copy !req
72. - Hey, is it bleeding?
- Yeah.Copy !req
73. Man, you are bleeding.Copy !req
74. - My ass is bleeding?
- We have rectal bleeding.Copy !req
75. Another first for Jackass.Copy !req
76. Get back here, you little bastard!
Get back here!Copy !req
77. Now it's time
for a little Bicentennial BMXing.Copy !req
78. bicentennial bmxingCopy !req
79. - All right.
- Alley-oop.Copy !req
80. Hear ye, hear ye.Copy !req
81. This is really going to suck.Copy !req
82. Why would anybody ride this shit?Copy !req
83. It's like, what's the reasoning?Copy !req
84. Why wouldn't they just make
two of the same-size wheel?Copy !req
85. Oh, fuck.Copy !req
86. - You all right?
- Yeah.Copy !req
87. You didn't land it.Copy !req
88. My head stopped my body
from getting really hurt on that one.Copy !req
89. Oh, fuck.Copy !req
90. See, we have a weight going up
and it's supposed to hit me in the nuts,Copy !req
91. but I'd prefer to have, like,
a dildo instead of the weightCopy !req
92. and then, instead of the nuts,
it'll be my ass. It'll go right in.Copy !req
93. That's the way to do it.Copy !req
94. Could somebody make a dick run? Please?Copy !req
95. the strongmanCopy !req
96. Today's debate. Is it wrong to be strong?Copy !req
97. You be the judge.Copy !req
98. Now, Bam just took a golden dildo
up his ass at high speed.Copy !req
99. That's what happened.Copy !req
100. My name is Gloria and I'm 90 years old.Copy !req
101. And I'm a slut.Copy !req
102. Okay, I'm going to go
get us a table now, okay?Copy !req
103. - Bye, Mama. Thank you.
- Goodbye.Copy !req
104. Go ahead. I'm fine.Copy !req
105. Excuse me, sir.
Could I use your cellular telephone?Copy !req
106. What's the number?Copy !req
107. I don't know what number. It's the driver.Copy !req
108. - Oh, yes. Could you dial it for me?
- Yes, yes.Copy !req
109. What is the number?Copy !req
110. I don't know.
What is his number? I don't know.Copy !req
111. This happens every time I go to brunch.Copy !req
112. - Is this okay for now?
- Yes, thank you.Copy !req
113. I'm Danger Ehren, here with Thor,
and this is the Mini-Loop.Copy !req
114. He can barely ride it.Copy !req
115. Fuck.Copy !req
116. Fuck!Copy !req
117. All right, let Thor try it.Copy !req
118. Come on.Copy !req
119. I hit my head pretty hard.Copy !req
120. Good thing I'm wearing that helmet.
Safety first.Copy !req
121. I love that confidence.Copy !req
122. I'm not gay but I...
I kind of want to fuck him.Copy !req
123. - Come on, Danger, get on it.
- How's the bike?Copy !req
124. Bike's good.Copy !req
125. He's mocking the loop.Copy !req
126. After this movie comes out, you're totally
going to lose your virginity.Copy !req
127. - You almost pulled it off.
- I don't think dudes count, Chris.Copy !req
128. Here we are
at some random-ass ranch,Copy !req
129. and this is the Brand.Copy !req
130. the brandCopy !req
131. And it's gonna suck.Copy !req
132. - Drop them.
- Good luck.Copy !req
133. - Christ!
- You have no hair on your ass.Copy !req
134. It is pretty.Copy !req
135. - You ready?
- No.Copy !req
136. - You better get ready quick.
- That is a mini hard dick right there.Copy !req
137. Try not to move around. You don't want
to have two of those things on you.Copy !req
138. Oh, dear God.
I wasn't bummed for you, till right now.Copy !req
139. Okay!Copy !req
140. If I take it off,
it's gonna go cold in a second.Copy !req
141. I gotta keep it on
until we're ready to film.Copy !req
142. Fuck.Copy !req
143. All right.
You said 10 seconds 20 seconds ago.Copy !req
144. Clean him off.Copy !req
145. - All right, you ready?
- No.Copy !req
146. Don't move.Copy !req
147. - Go, go, go!
- Don't move.Copy !req
148. Press it hard, you idiot!Copy !req
149. Fuck! It's good.Copy !req
150. No, it's not, dude.
You got to hold it to it.Copy !req
151. Oh, fuck!
Dude, that hurts so fucking bad!Copy !req
152. Well, if you didn't jump out of the way,Copy !req
153. - I would've had it done the first time.
- You should've pressed,Copy !req
154. - you asshole!
- I did press! You went like that!Copy !req
155. Fuck! Oh, God damn, that hurt so bad.Copy !req
156. Turn around.Copy !req
157. I'm not going to burn you again.
I already got you three times.Copy !req
158. - Three of them.
- You gave me a hologram dick.Copy !req
159. There's three solid dicks,
there's one half-assed one right hereCopy !req
160. and then you gave me a set of balls.Copy !req
161. - But a sweet set of balls.
- Rad.Copy !req
162. I'd rather rip my dick off
and throw it in the riverCopy !req
163. than do that again.Copy !req
164. God damn.Copy !req
165. We're at Ape and Phil's houseCopy !req
166. three days laterCopy !req
167. and I'm gonna present them
the branded dick on my butt.Copy !req
168. Let me rephrase that. Dicks.Copy !req
169. - Well, I gave him a present.
- What present?Copy !req
170. He loved it.Copy !req
171. - What?
- It still hurts.Copy !req
172. - What? What am I looking at?
- He gave me a dick farm on my ass.Copy !req
173. Oh, my God! What is that?
What is that?Copy !req
174. - I branded his ass.
- It's supposed to be a dickCopy !req
175. but he did it six times,
so now I have a dick farm on my ass.Copy !req
176. - Is that permanent?
- Yes! Look!Copy !req
177. - What is that, a tattoo?
- It's a brand. A hot iron for cows.Copy !req
178. Bam, that is so infected!Copy !req
179. That does not look good. Oh, my God,
he's going to have that for life!Copy !req
180. - You're going to have that for life.
- No shit.Copy !req
181. If you have one on there, you should've
made it bigger and more realistic.Copy !req
182. - That puny thing's embarrassing.
- Ape, I got a muffed-up-ass butt.Copy !req
183. I know, and you had the cutest butt ever
and now you've ruined it.Copy !req
184. - No, Dick Farm Dunn ruined it.
- Yeah, why'd you ruin it?Copy !req
185. I tried to do it good. He jumped around.
I was scared. I'm burning my own friend.Copy !req
186. Why would you burn him
in the first place, Dunn?Copy !req
187. - Because it was funny.
- It's not funny.Copy !req
188. Get ready to be happy,
ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
189. Johnny Knoxville is going to jump
the entire lake.Copy !req
190. lake jumpCopy !req
191. He's amazing.Copy !req
192. What happened? You were going
about one mile per hour,Copy !req
193. then, all of a sudden, 60.Copy !req
194. I thought you were gonna hang on.Copy !req
195. There is no holding on
to that motherfucker.Copy !req
196. Oh, my God.Copy !req
197. Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Zupan
is going to jump the entire lake.Copy !req
198. quad rugby starCopy !req
199. Mark, give our regards
to the folks on the other side.Copy !req
200. I thought they forgot to set it off
and then it just took off.Copy !req
201. - I don't know what happened.
- I don't either.Copy !req
202. - All I know is he almost made it.
- He's a hero.Copy !req
203. We're here in England with Mat HoffmanCopy !req
204. and he's about to jump
the English Channel into Germany.Copy !req
205. Good luck, Mat.Copy !req
206. That was fucking great.Copy !req
207. What was so great about that?
He didn't even go to Germany.Copy !req
208. Oh, my God.Copy !req
209. It's a lovely day for a swim
in the Gulf of Mexico.Copy !req
210. I'm Steve-O, and this is the Fish Hook.Copy !req
211. the fish hookCopy !req
212. Oh, man, that's gone through. I got you.Copy !req
213. - Oh, dude.
- We got it? We're good?Copy !req
214. That hurt to do that to you.Copy !req
215. Yeah, it looks great.Copy !req
216. - Oh, my God.
- All right, cast me out, God damn it.Copy !req
217. Now it's time for some man-fishing.Copy !req
218. - The hammerhead's right there.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
219. Thank God we brought Manny
to make sure sharks would show up.Copy !req
220. He's coming to get you, Steve-O.
Act like a sick or wounded animal.Copy !req
221. Look at that fin right behind him.Copy !req
222. Dude, isn't this movie supposed
to be a comedy?Copy !req
223. I can't believe I'm fishing for sharks
with Steve-O as my bait.Copy !req
224. It's like a dream come true.Copy !req
225. Oh, my God.Copy !req
226. - Here comes a mako!
- Oh, shit! Steve-O!Copy !req
227. Oh, my God.
He's right behind you, Steve-O.Copy !req
228. - I am the fuck out of here.
- No, you're good, man.Copy !req
229. Stay in there.Copy !req
230. The shark's coming right at you!Copy !req
231. Oh, shit.Copy !req
232. - Come on, stay out there, O!
- You already got the fucking shot!Copy !req
233. I want to hear Manny scream.Copy !req
234. Dude, I fucking kicked the thing
in the fucking head!Copy !req
235. Get up here.Copy !req
236. Steve-O, do you know how lucky you are?
A mako almost bit your foot off.Copy !req
237. I've been so lucky today.Copy !req
238. Fuck!Copy !req
239. You are lucky.Copy !req
240. Fuck, that hurts. Damn it.
Thank you so much, God.Copy !req
241. You bastard.Copy !req
242. This is champion card-thrower, Jim Karol.Copy !req
243. He's come to throw cards
into Wee Man's ass.Copy !req
244. What Wee Man doesn't realize is that
he'll be sitting on the Electric Stool.Copy !req
245. the electric stoolCopy !req
246. God, I hate picking on Wee Man.Copy !req
247. - Wee Man, I'd say you're up.
- Jump up on the stool.Copy !req
248. All right, on three
I'm gonna whip it at you.Copy !req
249. You might feel it a little bit, all right?Copy !req
250. - On three. Ready?
- Don't worry about it.Copy !req
251. One,Copy !req
252. two...Copy !req
253. Fuck! That fucking...Copy !req
254. Did it hit a nerve?Copy !req
255. - Dude, it hit, like, right in there.
- Oh, I'm sorry. I threw it too hard.Copy !req
256. Try one more. It didn't stick.
He's going to get it to stick.Copy !req
257. On three. One,Copy !req
258. two,Copy !req
259. three.Copy !req
260. I don't fucking like that, dude.
No, I don't fucking like that, dude.Copy !req
261. That fucking hurts, dude.Copy !req
262. Tell the camera exactly what's happening.Copy !req
263. All right, every time this dude throws
a fucking card in my ass,Copy !req
264. it fucking jolts me, so I jump off.Copy !req
265. I'm not going to fucking sit there.Copy !req
266. - Let me do a pickup shot.
- No.Copy !req
267. The pickup shot is,
you pinch the card in your butt.Copy !req
268. Just stick it in there
so it's sticking out.Copy !req
269. - All right.
- Okay, go.Copy !req
270. One, two, three.Copy !req
271. It's still in there.Copy !req
272. - Jump back up.
- Do you want me to lift you on there?Copy !req
273. - Wait...
- Okay, fuckers!Copy !req
274. No, there's a machine in here
fucking doing it,Copy !req
275. you fucking fuckers.Copy !req
276. Where's the fucking card-throwing machine?Copy !req
277. Where's the fucking
card-throwing machine, dude?Copy !req
278. Show him what it is.
Show him what's funny.Copy !req
279. Oh, the fucking chair's rigged!Copy !req
280. Oh, my God.Copy !req
281. There's a card-throwing machine
in here, dude.Copy !req
282. Dude, Wee Man, I would never use
a card-throwing machine on you.Copy !req
283. That couldn't have gone any better.Copy !req
284. I didn't know
that Knoxville could do back flips.Copy !req
285. It was, like, a front flip.Copy !req
286. - Where do yaks come from?
- That's from Siberia.Copy !req
287. So that's why Eskimos don't have rodeos.Copy !req
288. Yeah.Copy !req
289. Tell me about your original drawing
for this.Copy !req
290. See, when I come up with my ideas,
I don't write them down.Copy !req
291. I just draw a picture
and fax it to Los Angeles.Copy !req
292. dramatic re-enactmentCopy !req
293. I just drew a picture of a fat-assCopy !req
294. and a little guy
with a bungee cord connected.Copy !req
295. Jason, how do you compare this kind
of athleticism to what you guys do?Copy !req
296. You guys are
a hell of a lot more athletic than usCopy !req
297. and a lot crazier, too.Copy !req
298. Dude, look how nervous he is.Copy !req
299. We're here in Miami Beach
with Jason TaylorCopy !req
300. and this is the Bungee Jump.Copy !req
301. the bungee jumpCopy !req
302. - Are you ready, Preston?
- Just go! Just go!Copy !req
303. Three, two, one.Copy !req
304. Yes!Copy !req
305. Yes! Yes! Yes!Copy !req
306. Oh, my God.Copy !req
307. - Preston.
- That worked perfect.Copy !req
308. - Did I yank you?
- Oh, fuck, yeah.Copy !req
309. Okay, I went down, I'm upside-down,
I see Preston coming.Copy !req
310. Once he was past me,
he pulled me down more.Copy !req
311. - So, like, I slammed the water.
- Oh, you were above the water?Copy !req
312. Yeah, I felt the full pressure
of the bungee.Copy !req
313. That was intense. Really intense.
Well, not really intense,Copy !req
314. but pretty intense.Copy !req
315. - What's your name again?
- What? Irving.Copy !req
316. - Irving, yeah.
- Irving Zisman.Copy !req
317. bad grandpaCopy !req
318. Hey, can we get us some fries, please?Copy !req
319. Some time today.Copy !req
320. There you go. Take a sip.Copy !req
321. That'll put lead in your pencil, kid.Copy !req
322. You got a light?Copy !req
323. Shit.Copy !req
324. Hey, little guy, is that a real cigarette?Copy !req
325. - Piss off, man.
- Is it?Copy !req
326. He said, "Piss off!"Copy !req
327. Jesus.Copy !req
328. Here, Gramps.Copy !req
329. Thank you.Copy !req
330. Don't hog it all, you little prick.Copy !req
331. Give me that.Copy !req
332. - This is LA.
- What?Copy !req
333. - This is LA.
- Yeah?Copy !req
334. - Don't do what?
- We don't drink out in public.Copy !req
335. - You don't drink out in public?
- No.Copy !req
336. - Well, maybe you should start, bub.
- Yeah. Where are you guys from?Copy !req
337. - We're from your face.
- Yeah?Copy !req
338. - Mind your own business, asshole.
- What?Copy !req
339. I said,
"Mind your own business, asshole."Copy !req
340. - Okay, you'd better be quiet, buddy.
- What are you gonna do?Copy !req
341. - You wanna step outside?
- We're already outside, numb-nuts.Copy !req
342. He asked me if I wanted to step outside.Copy !req
343. - You are from LA, ain't you, boy?
- Do you want to go around the block?Copy !req
344. Yeah, we'll go around the block.Copy !req
345. We'll go around the block
and see your mother.Copy !req
346. This is bullshit.
We're surrounded by cocksuckers.Copy !req
347. All right, kid.
It's time for Grandpa's massage.Copy !req
348. - You get massages with happy endings?
- That's right.Copy !req
349. - Say goodbye to the hippies.
- Bye, hippies.Copy !req
350. - Don't get beat up out here.
- "Beat up out here"?Copy !req
351. I don't have to worry about that in LA.
Not with you skinny sons of bitches.Copy !req
352. Okay, Old Man River.
Watch your mouth.Copy !req
353. I hear a lot of talking.Copy !req
354. You're letting that bulldog mouth overload
that puppy-dog ass.Copy !req
355. Look at him. Look how tough he is.Copy !req
356. You allow your nine-year-old son to drink?Copy !req
357. - It's my grandson.
- I don't give a fuck.Copy !req
358. Wow, now you swear in front of him?
What kind of role model are you?Copy !req
359. What kind of role model are you?Copy !req
360. Get the fuck out of here
and go back to Mississippi.Copy !req
361. Step over this line.
Just step over that line.Copy !req
362. - Oh! You stepped over the line!
- I didn't step over a line.Copy !req
363. You stepped over the line.Copy !req
364. That long hair don't cover
that red neck, boy.Copy !req
365. Piss off!Copy !req
366. - Let's go.
- Go crawl back in your mama's ass!Copy !req
367. What the fuck is that?
What the hell is that?Copy !req
368. We're sledding.Copy !req
369. - Bam, what the hell are you doing?
- We're sledding.Copy !req
370. - Give me a ten!
- What about my floor?Copy !req
371. - How's your belly feeling, dude?
- I'm just a diarrhea machine.Copy !req
372. - Is it like a baby? Is it kicking?
- It's very similar to a baby.Copy !req
373. - Is it kicking?
- No, come on! No.Copy !req
374. Seriously, I'm not joking. Seriously.Copy !req
375. Are you gonna shit?
Wouldn't you feel better?Copy !req
376. We have a whole wardrobe van.Copy !req
377. I don't want a new wardrobe.
I just wanna not shit my pants.Copy !req
378. So, the boys think they're arriving
in a limo for a photo shoot,Copy !req
379. but little do they know,Copy !req
380. we have a shitload of bees
we're going to put through the sun roof.Copy !req
381. And we rigged the locks
so they can't get out.Copy !req
382. And when they do get out,
we got a couple of marbles for them.Copy !req
383. beehive limoCopy !req
384. This is the Beehive Limo.Copy !req
385. Last movie, you shit in a damn van
and now you get to shit in a limo.Copy !req
386. Yeah, you're stepping it up.
You're stepping it up, dude.Copy !req
387. Oh, this isn't good.Copy !req
388. Dude, close that fucking sun roof, dude!Copy !req
389. Fuck! Fuck! We're locked in!Copy !req
390. Oh, my God, that sucks!Copy !req
391. Do we let them out?Copy !req
392. They're fucking stinging my legs!Copy !req
393. Get the fuck off of me, dude!
You're getting them over here.Copy !req
394. You guys are fucking dicks, man. Fuck.Copy !req
395. They're on my feet!Copy !req
396. The poor driver's running around,
freaking out.Copy !req
397. That's so good.Copy !req
398. Sorry, bros.Copy !req
399. I pissed myself.Copy !req
400. One just got me, right now,
as we speak. Look at that.Copy !req
401. Fuck.Copy !req
402. - That was real funny, fuckers.
- Is there even a photo shoot?Copy !req
403. We're here with the Three 6 Mafia,
and it's time for the Rake Jump.Copy !req
404. Do it!Copy !req
405. What an idiot.Copy !req
406. I'm going to pay this motherfucker
right here 200 smackeroos,Copy !req
407. it's not counterfeit, it's real,
to eat horse shit.Copy !req
408. But it's all furry, though.Copy !req
409. - Eat it! Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!
- Go! Go! Go! Go!Copy !req
410. Really eat it, though. Chew, chew, chew!Copy !req
411. Swallow it!Copy !req
412. - Put your shades up!
- Hold the 200.Copy !req
413. - Come on, soldier!
- Don't even think about not swallowing.Copy !req
414. It's so dry!Copy !req
415. Don't even think about it!Copy !req
416. - Swallow it!
- Don't you even think about it.Copy !req
417. Don't you even think about it.Copy !req
418. - He ain't soft!
- Swallow it! Swallow it, nigga!Copy !req
419. Give him a beer, give him a beer.
Give it to him, give it to him!Copy !req
420. Really eat it, though.Copy !req
421. - I'm watching you.
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
422. Here, man.Copy !req
423. Dude, your breath smells like shit!Copy !req
424. We're here with Daniel Alvarez
from ALS Technologies and...Copy !req
425. weapons expertCopy !req
426. Why don't you explain what this is
and what we're gonna be doing?Copy !req
427. Well, this is the 460 Stingmore Mine.Copy !req
428. It has approximately 700
.45-caliber rubber balls in it.Copy !req
429. They'll fly out of there
at about 500 feet per second.Copy !req
430. They use these charges
on the outside of embassiesCopy !req
431. to protect the gates
from people trying to break in.Copy !req
432. - Looks like it's gonna suck.
- It is. I promise.Copy !req
433. Fire in the hole.Copy !req
434. - Fuck that, dude.
- Fucking Christ!Copy !req
435. That is great!Copy !req
436. I'm about to, like,
have an anxiety attack.Copy !req
437. I just can't do this one.
It's just too gnarly.Copy !req
438. Dude, Knoxville is...Copy !req
439. If Knoxville goes in there, dude,Copy !req
440. I'll French kiss him.Copy !req
441. - Are you insane?
- No. All you got to do is stand there.Copy !req
442. Yeah, and get killed? Look at that thing.Copy !req
443. - That thing blew the hell up.
- It's just loud.Copy !req
444. It's going to hurt really bad,
but it's just loud.Copy !req
445. You're nuts.Copy !req
446. - No, no, no. Come on. It's footage.
- You're nuts.Copy !req
447. riot control testCopy !req
448. Son of a... Fuck you.Copy !req
449. Holy shit!Copy !req
450. All you guys are fucking assholes.Copy !req
451. - You all right, Bam?
- You all right?Copy !req
452. My God.Copy !req
453. - Are you crying?
- I think he's hurt.Copy !req
454. Can we give Bam some water?Copy !req
455. Maybe a Shirley Temple.Copy !req
456. I'm crying. I'm a fucking skateboarder
and I'm getting shot.Copy !req
457. They all went for my stomach.Copy !req
458. I got hit in the legs worse.Copy !req
459. Those... Did any get me in the face?Copy !req
460. You got hit in the stomach pretty good.Copy !req
461. - That was great.
- That was.Copy !req
462. - Thanks, fellas.
- Yeah. Appreciate it.Copy !req
463. Hey, is this okay?Copy !req
464. Then we're good.Copy !req
465. Do you like painting models?Copy !req
466. Yeah, but I don't need models
for this type of work.Copy !req
467. Okay.Copy !req
468. - It looks very vaginal and feminine.
- Well, thank you.Copy !req
469. - And sexual.
- Thank you.Copy !req
470. - Yes, thank you. It's beautiful.
- Thank you.Copy !req
471. It's time to play a game
with a bunch of these medicine balls.Copy !req
472. And they're heavy as shit.Copy !req
473. It's on!Copy !req
474. medicine ball dodge-ballCopy !req
475. - This is Medicine Ball Dodgeball.
- In the dark.Copy !req
476. Can't see anything.Copy !req
477. What did you think?Copy !req
478. That was fun. Let's never do that again.Copy !req
479. Ever!Copy !req
480. Three, two, one!Copy !req
481. Holy...Copy !req
482. Who'd want to do that?Copy !req
483. - You're not doing that.
- Who's going first?Copy !req
484. What rhymes with Dunn?Copy !req
485. Fun.Copy !req
486. - Ready, sailor?
- No.Copy !req
487. - This is dumb.
- This is going to be dope.Copy !req
488. Oh, my gosh.Copy !req
489. Oh, my God. Oh, jeez.Copy !req
490. Get me out of this!Copy !req
491. You're a fucking dick.Copy !req
492. - That was mean.
- He needs help.Copy !req
493. - That was so mean.
- You are an asshole.Copy !req
494. That was totally not me.
I had nothing to do with it.Copy !req
495. You pulled it down!Copy !req
496. I didn't!Copy !req
497. Oh, my God, my hip. I think I gave birth.Copy !req
498. Hi, I'm John Waters,
and this is the Magic Trick.Copy !req
499. the magic trickCopy !req
500. We're gonna make Wee Man disappear.Copy !req
501. Where'd he go?Copy !req
502. Very nice.Copy !req
503. That's great.Copy !req
504. You're the best magician ever, John.Copy !req
505. Thank you so much. Thank you.Copy !req
506. the gauntletCopy !req
507. Hello, I'm Johnny KnoxvilleCopy !req
508. and I'm here with Mat Hoffman
and Tony HawkCopy !req
509. and this is the Gauntlet.Copy !req
510. I just gave him a chest pass!Copy !req
511. Open the windows!Copy !req
512. This is the Toro Totter.Copy !req
513. It's me and Pontius vs. Dunn and BamCopy !req
514. and the last man on the teeter-totter
is the winner.Copy !req
515. It's gonna be a bloodbath.Copy !req
516. Oh, yes!Copy !req
517. What did I do?Copy !req
518. What did I do?Copy !req
519. Dunn, stay there!Copy !req
520. So why did I agree to do this one?Copy !req
521. Ryan, run! Ryan, run!Copy !req
522. My God.Copy !req
523. Shit.Copy !req
524. Bam, where are you going?Copy !req
525. I am not doing that.Copy !req
526. Fuck that.Copy !req
527. Down to two!Copy !req
528. I got hit in the back good.Copy !req
529. Hey, Knoxville. Oh, shit!Copy !req
530. God damn it. Fucking shit. Fuck.Copy !req
531. - You all right?
- Yeah. Hold on.Copy !req
532. What do you mean, "Hold on"?
The bull's not going to hold on.Copy !req
533. Oh, my fucking leg!
God damn, these bulls are strong.Copy !req
534. Oh, God.Copy !req
535. I'm not out!Copy !req
536. Oh, my God.Copy !req
537. I'm still not out!Copy !req
538. All right, that's it. That's it.Copy !req
539. Oh, my God.Copy !req
540. Keep God out of California!Copy !req
541. Tell Charlie Daniels
to write a song about this!Copy !req
542. God is out! He can have the other 48.Copy !req
543. Or 49, whatever.Copy !req
544. God, I landed straight on my head.
Oh, man, that hurt.Copy !req
545. Dude, I'm fucked.Copy !req
546. I'm Steve-O and sorry, Dad,Copy !req
547. but nobody's going to miss this
for the world.Copy !req
548. This is the Butt Chug.Copy !req
549. butt chugCopy !req
550. Oh, no.Copy !req
551. - I'll hold this while you bulldog it.
- Get it in there.Copy !req
552. - Ram it in there.
- It's really got to get in there.Copy !req
553. - Open wide!
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
554. - Take it.
- Just relax.Copy !req
555. Relax. Yeah, do your little...Copy !req
556. I'm staring right down Main Street.
It's not looking any good at all.Copy !req
557. You're starting to enjoy that, aren't you?Copy !req
558. Oh, shit.Copy !req
559. There it goes! There it goes!Copy !req
560. - Keep it going.
- There we go.Copy !req
561. - Chug!
- Chug it!Copy !req
562. - Take it all!
- Oh, yeah!Copy !req
563. - Take it.
- I think your asshole's prehensile.Copy !req
564. You got it! You got it!Copy !req
565. Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!Copy !req
566. You got this! Keep on going!Copy !req
567. Come on, you've almost got it!Copy !req
568. Two more sips left.Copy !req
569. - Oh, my God.
- Give me a profile, Steve.Copy !req
570. He's peeing like a girl!Copy !req
571. Steve-O, if your asshole can't
see the camera,Copy !req
572. then the camera can't see your asshole.Copy !req
573. - The camera's over here!
- Right there, right there, right there.Copy !req
574. Look at Lance!
Lance can't stop laughing.Copy !req
575. He's doesn't know how to face
the cameras when he's peeing.Copy !req
576. Oh, my God.Copy !req
577. - I think we broke Lance.
- I know.Copy !req
578. I think I still have beer in my ass,
but I can't get it out.Copy !req
579. Use the bottle. Put the bottleCopy !req
580. - up your ass.
- Use the plunger!Copy !req
581. - Oh, yeah, the plunger.
- Yeah, plunge his asshole.Copy !req
582. You'd better shit piss, ass-wipe!Copy !req
583. All right, let's go to the bar.Copy !req
584. Perfect.Copy !req
585. Fuck.Copy !req
586. I'm Ryan Dunn,
and this is the Rocket Cart.Copy !req
587. Five, four, three, two, one...Copy !req
588. Bye-bye.Copy !req
589. - I think I broke my tail-bone.
- Really? On the water?Copy !req
590. Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville
and this is the Anaconda Ball Pit.Copy !req
591. anaconda ball pitCopy !req
592. Oh, fuck!Copy !req
593. I have on a cup and that still hurts.Copy !req
594. Anacondas are expert at camouflage.
They're ambush hunters.Copy !req
595. - So, what does that mean?
- They surprise you.Copy !req
596. I don't know
if I'm gonna be that surprised.Copy !req
597. You guys got to catch these guys, man.
They tried to kill J-Lo and Ice Cube.Copy !req
598. Yeah, I know. I know.Copy !req
599. - Is something on your mind?
- Don't fucking push me.Copy !req
600. I'm on your team.Copy !req
601. You got him.Copy !req
602. Get the other camera.Copy !req
603. Grab him.Copy !req
604. Fuck!Copy !req
605. Oh, man.Copy !req
606. - Dude, he is bleeding a lot.
- Yeah.Copy !req
607. He's starting to smell you guys.Copy !req
608. Dude, you guys are doing excellent.Copy !req
609. Real good. You guys got it.Copy !req
610. Get him. You got him.Copy !req
611. You guys got him! You guys got him.Copy !req
612. Oh, no, Dunn's getting coiled. Oh, shit.Copy !req
613. Get your fucking hands off me!Copy !req
614. You guys have been doing good.Copy !req
615. Where'd his head go?Copy !req
616. He's buried.Copy !req
617. - You got him!
- Yeah!Copy !req
618. - I have seized the snake.
- Yeah.Copy !req
619. It's fucking wrapped around my arm.Copy !req
620. Just take him to Manny.
Take him to Manny.Copy !req
621. Hey, Manny, come here a minute.Copy !req
622. I got him.Copy !req
623. Oh, my God, you got nailed.Copy !req
624. I didn't do anything. He did all the work.Copy !req
625. All right. We seized the snake.Copy !req
626. Run, Ryan, run!Copy !req
627. Oh, shit.
We forgot about the other snake.Copy !req
628. This is the Ice Horse.Copy !req
629. the ice horseCopy !req
630. See if your balls will stick to the horse.Copy !req
631. - Come on! For the bros.
- You want me to do it?Copy !req
632. - It's for the bros. Come on.
- It's not gonna stick.Copy !req
633. Yeah, it can stick.Copy !req
634. You just need a little water.Copy !req
635. Anybody got some water?Copy !req
636. - Great.
- Thanks!Copy !req
637. - Don't think about it. Just do it.
- All right.Copy !req
638. You are assholes.Copy !req
639. God, your legs are white.Copy !req
640. Here. You've got to really
get the water on the balls.Copy !req
641. Oh, that's horrible-looking!Copy !req
642. It's yanking my hair!Copy !req
643. Are you done?Copy !req
644. - What an ass!
- Oh, my God!Copy !req
645. I ripped my skin off.Copy !req
646. Oh, look. Look at the blister.Copy !req
647. Look at him gallop.Copy !req
648. Hey! There's poop, hair and more poop!Copy !req
649. I'm Wee Man,
and this is the Swamp Chute.Copy !req
650. the swamp chuteCopy !req
651. Holy shit, dude. You all right?Copy !req
652. What? I can't hear, kind of.Copy !req
653. "I can't hear, kind of"!Copy !req
654. You skipped across the water like a rock.Copy !req
655. Dude, you were at least
an 80-mile-an-hour fastball.Copy !req
656. Oh, my God.Copy !req
657. When you step into this suit,
magic happens.Copy !req
658. Today, we're in Carmen de ArricoCopy !req
659. with our friend Serg,
and he is going to show usCopy !req
660. how to milk a horseCopy !req
661. The way we're gonna do that is,Copy !req
662. they're gonna bring over a stallion
who's gonna be hot to trot.Copy !req
663. And they're gonna have the mare here.Copy !req
664. And as soon as the stallion mounts
the mare,Copy !req
665. we're going to grab the stallion's penisCopy !req
666. and put it into this fake horse vagina.Copy !req
667. The old switcheroo.Copy !req
668. What a mean trick.Copy !req
669. - Here we go.
- Here comes the stallion.Copy !req
670. He's got the craziest look in his eye.Copy !req
671. I've seen that same look
in your eye, Pontius.Copy !req
672. It's game on, guys.Copy !req
673. Oh, boy. Here we go. Here we go.Copy !req
674. Oh, boy.Copy !req
675. Okay. We got the penis
into the fake horsy vagina.Copy !req
676. I think I feel the tip of it.Copy !req
677. Somebody cradle the balls.Copy !req
678. He lasts longer than you, Steve-O.Copy !req
679. Success!Copy !req
680. - Oh, my God.
- He just pleasured a horse.Copy !req
681. Is it okay to drink?Copy !req
682. Yeah.Copy !req
683. No problem.Copy !req
684. If I do this, this gives me an outCopy !req
685. for something bad I'm going to do
in the future.Copy !req
686. Absolutely. Absolutely.Copy !req
687. - All right. It's on video.
- Okay.Copy !req
688. That is such a huge load.Copy !req
689. I don't know, man.
I could have pictured...Copy !req
690. Can you test that out?Copy !req
691. That's semen, all right.Copy !req
692. I never puke, ever,
and I really almost puked then.Copy !req
693. I'm ashamed of myself.Copy !req
694. I really am.Copy !req
695. I'm completely ashamed of myself.Copy !req
696. - Ready?
- Yeah, I'm ready. Are you ready?Copy !req
697. You're not going to break through, anyway.Copy !req
698. - Pontius, you think you can do two boards?
- Yeah.Copy !req
699. What's Bruce Lee do?
That power-breathing.Copy !req
700. I think I got it.Copy !req
701. Oh, my God!Copy !req
702. I was so not ready for that!Copy !req
703. We're at the WidowmakerCopy !req
704. the big tire raceCopy !req
705. and this is the Big Tire Race.Copy !req
706. - I can't get in this thing.
- Yes, you can.Copy !req
707. I guarantee you're getting in it.Copy !req
708. Oh, crap.Copy !req
709. - On your mark!
- Fuck!Copy !req
710. Get set! Go!Copy !req
711. - You are fucked.
- Oh, shit!Copy !req
712. - I'm stuck in here!
- Dude.Copy !req
713. We got you, buddy.Copy !req
714. I hate that. I hate it so bad!Copy !req
715. - Fucking sucky.
- Why do you hate it?Copy !req
716. I'm bouncing in my fucking head.Copy !req
717. - You got it, Ehren.
- Here, Ehren.Copy !req
718. - Jesus Christ, you got a fat fucking ass.
- You got to help!Copy !req
719. Oh, fuck!Copy !req
720. We're here in India
and we found a leech healerCopy !req
721. the leech healerCopy !req
722. and these boys need a little healing.Copy !req
723. - Doc, can you help us?
- Yeah, why not?Copy !req
724. They are having disorders like...Copy !req
725. which treated
by the leech application...Copy !req
726. detoxification of the blood,
we apply leech for them.Copy !req
727. If leeches are that great at healing,Copy !req
728. let's see what they can do
for my eyeball.Copy !req
729. God damn it.Copy !req
730. Leech can not suck blood from that
body part, if that is not impure.Copy !req
731. - Jesus Christ.
- Look over here. Look over here.Copy !req
732. Okay, this is the mouth.Copy !req
733. Here we go.Copy !req
734. - This way.
- Come on.Copy !req
735. Come on, leech.Copy !req
736. - Oh, he's eyeballing you.
- I think we'd...Copy !req
737. He's on my eyeball!Copy !req
738. No, wait, wait!Copy !req
739. Okay, stand up and keep your eye open.Copy !req
740. Keep your eye open.
Keep your eye open, Steve-O!Copy !req
741. Steve-O, keep your eye open! Open!Copy !req
742. Open! Open, toward... No!Copy !req
743. Look!Copy !req
744. Relax. Relax.Copy !req
745. Does it look cool?Copy !req
746. Yeah. It got you about right there.Copy !req
747. I just had a leech chomp my eyeball.Copy !req
748. Yes!Copy !req
749. Way to go.Copy !req
750. Are these all for sale today?Copy !req
751. Yeah. Five dollars.Copy !req
752. Oh, why, they're beautiful shirts.Copy !req
753. They're beautiful colors.Copy !req
754. This one's really nice.Copy !req
755. - Do you think that...
- Oh, shit.Copy !req
756. I'd like to buy, maybe, the one...Copy !req
757. Hey, your titty out.Copy !req
758. - What's that?
- He said your shirt is open.Copy !req
759. - Put this shirt on?
- No, your shirt!Copy !req
760. Your thing is hanging out
of your shirt, ma'am. What are you doing?Copy !req
761. Put your shirt back on.Copy !req
762. Which one was the one you thought
I should get?Copy !req
763. Leave me alone!Copy !req
764. Bam is absolutely terrified of snakes,
so we brought David Weathers hereCopy !req
765. to surprise him during the next bit.Copy !req
766. King cobra.Copy !req
767. Jesus...Copy !req
768. Oh, my God.Copy !req
769. It's cool. It's been de-venomized.Copy !req
770. I'm Bam Margera
and this is the Wind Tunnel!Copy !req
771. wind tunnelCopy !req
772. Oh, my God. What?Copy !req
773. Bam, cock out. Cock out.Copy !req
774. No, no, no! No, no!Copy !req
775. A fucking cobra, dude?Copy !req
776. Yo, yo, yo, I don't like him
staring like that.Copy !req
777. Oh, dude, you guys are
fucking such total dickheads.Copy !req
778. - Are you crying?
- Yeah.Copy !req
779. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
780. He's on to you.Copy !req
781. I'm done.Copy !req
782. Oh, boy! Oh, boy!Copy !req
783. Dave, Dave!Copy !req
784. Yo, that is coolest shit
I've seen in long time.Copy !req
785. White boy don't like snakes.Copy !req
786. What's your strategy up there?Copy !req
787. My strategy is staying up
on the fucking vanCopy !req
788. because I don't trust anybody.Copy !req
789. I should have thought about it more,Copy !req
790. - but I was sipping on beer. I was like,
- That's what I said.Copy !req
791. "Why the fuck is snake dude in Louisiana?"Copy !req
792. - I just told Chris.
- Then I do my bitCopy !req
793. and then all of a sudden a king cobra
comes into the fucking thing.Copy !req
794. I'm like... Dude, I'm staying up here.Copy !req
795. You fuckers are asses.
I don't trust anybody.Copy !req
796. And you made me waste my beer.Copy !req
797. - Fucking hell.
- Fuck this.Copy !req
798. I'm Steve-O, and this is the Fart Mask.Copy !req
799. the fart maskCopy !req
800. I took a fucking shit in it!Copy !req
801. There's shit in there.Copy !req
802. I got a shitty ass.
I got to go wipe it out.Copy !req
803. That's like, the perfect poop.Copy !req
804. I'm Dave England
and this is my big, green ball.Copy !req
805. I need you to put baby powderCopy !req
806. in my butt hole.Copy !req
807. You need me to put...Copy !req
808. - Put a lot in there.
- Yeah, yeah. That's great.Copy !req
809. What was that?Copy !req
810. Did it go "poof"?Copy !req
811. Did it go "poof"?Copy !req
812. It did?Copy !req
813. old man ballsCopy !req
814. Sorry.Copy !req
815. Oh, sorry.Copy !req
816. Do you have these in size 11?Copy !req
817. Let me just see.Copy !req
818. These are good.Copy !req
819. - Sir!
- Leave me alone!Copy !req
820. You come on in here.Copy !req
821. You go that way. I don't care, dude.Copy !req
822. Police!Copy !req
823. He's a frisky little bugger!Copy !req
824. I am so sorry!Copy !req
825. Oh, my God! It reminded me of my ex-wife!Copy !req
826. It's the middle of the night.Copy !req
827. We're gonna wake up Phil
and swap him with Preston,Copy !req
828. and Ape's gonna lose her mind.Copy !req
829. This is the Switcheroo.Copy !req
830. the switcherooCopy !req
831. It's all right.Copy !req
832. Don't be afraid to get frisky.Copy !req
833. I'm gonna kill you in a minute.Copy !req
834. Phil, back up.Copy !req
835. Back up!Copy !req
836. Back up.Copy !req
837. Oh, my God. What are you doing?Copy !req
838. Are you all right? Jesus Christ.
Are you...Copy !req
839. Are you...Copy !req
840. Phil?Copy !req
841. Phil?Copy !req
842. Phil?Copy !req
843. What are you doing?
What are you doing?Copy !req
844. - What?
- What?Copy !req
845. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!Copy !req
846. Oh, my God!Copy !req
847. Who is that? Who is that?Copy !req
848. Who is that?Copy !req
849. That's not your dad. Who is that?
Who is that? Where's the light?Copy !req
850. - How you doing, ma'am?
- What? Who?Copy !req
851. - I went to get a drink. What's going on?
- Oh, my god!Copy !req
852. Oh, my God!Copy !req
853. Man, I just felt like
I was committing assault.Copy !req
854. Phil, he copped a feel.Copy !req
855. He got away with it, then.Copy !req
856. Have you ever been
with another man before?Copy !req
857. Did he feel fatter?Copy !req
858. Did he feel fatter?Copy !req
859. You can answer. I won't be mad.Copy !req
860. I just assaulted you!
You can say whatever you want!Copy !req
861. No, you felt shorter.Copy !req
862. - No, you can say anything you want.
- You felt that part?Copy !req
863. That's it. I'm going to bed now.Copy !req
864. Oh, Jesus.Copy !req
865. Oh, shit.Copy !req
866. What was that shit?
It's fucking in my eyes.Copy !req
867. What the fuck was that?Copy !req
868. Oh, my...Copy !req
869. I fucking don't understand.Copy !req
870. What the fuck did you do to me?Copy !req
871. What the fuck was that?Copy !req
872. That fucked me up, man.Copy !req
873. Let's go inside, man.Copy !req
874. - Are you okay?
- Oh, fuck, dude.Copy !req
875. We got a medic inside.Copy !req
876. It's moments like these when you know
Johnny Knoxville is one gnarly dude.Copy !req
877. I'm so glad
I'm not the star of this movie.Copy !req
878. Knoxville's gonna see
what the moon's gonna look like.Copy !req
879. He is gonna go definitely
60 feet up in the air.Copy !req
880. He's gonna get annihilated.
But I don't wanna tell him that.Copy !req
881. You're gonna be just fine!Copy !req
882. Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville,
and this is my Big Red Rocket.Copy !req
883. big red rocketCopy !req
884. Five, four, three, two, one...Copy !req
885. Go.Copy !req
886. What the fuck was that?Copy !req
887. Holy shit!Copy !req
888. Oh, my God, he almost died
and he's dancing.Copy !req
889. Usually, rockets fail backwards
and forwards, I was told,Copy !req
890. but there was a rocket
that came out the side.Copy !req
891. If it had been, like, right here,Copy !req
892. that would have been a picture wrap
on old Knoxville.Copy !req
893. And now we're trying it again.
It's rocket launch, take two.Copy !req
894. I'm scared just watching.Copy !req
895. - I want a Lance helmet.
- I have full, like, adrenaline.Copy !req
896. Even if the rocket doesn't blow up
on me this time,Copy !req
897. there's really not a lot of great ways
for it to end, anyway.Copy !req
898. - This isn't the best idea ever.
- Yes, it is.Copy !req
899. I'm Johnny Knoxville,
and I'm going to the moon!Copy !req
900. Five, four, three, two, one...Copy !req
901. Later!Copy !req
902. Are you okay?Copy !req
903. Give us a thumbs-up!Copy !req
904. So what's going on, Preston?
What are we doing today?Copy !req
905. We're playing a prank on Danger Ehren.Copy !req
906. I think that we're gonna
decorate him up like a terrorist,Copy !req
907. with full makeup and wardrobe,Copy !req
908. and him and Dimitry are gonna call a cab,Copy !req
909. the idea being to play a prank
on the taxi driver,Copy !req
910. that they wanna go to the airport,Copy !req
911. I guess to commit
some sort of terrorist act.Copy !req
912. - So, Ehren, where are you going?
- Yeah, where are you going?Copy !req
913. I'm going to Burbank Airport.Copy !req
914. And, meanwhile, we've substituted
the taxi driver with Jay Chandrasekhar.Copy !req
915. And he is going to punch Ehren in the face
and possibly pull a gun on him.Copy !req
916. If he tries to say we're filming,Copy !req
917. just go, "Don't talk to me anymore!"Copy !req
918. And slap him like this.
You can slap him a lot, too.Copy !req
919. I don't know how he'll handle this.
It's pretty high-pressure.Copy !req
920. And I don't think
he does well under pressure.Copy !req
921. All right, so here I amCopy !req
922. two days earlierCopy !req
923. trying to contribute
to Ehren McGhehey's new beard.Copy !req
924. And I hope he knows that I skipped
showering for about a week and a halfCopy !req
925. just to make this a little bit more gross.Copy !req
926. Sorry, Ehren.Copy !req
927. Look at the mane on him!Copy !req
928. Someone's got to pick that
out of their teeth.Copy !req
929. I'd be so bummed
if I was Ehren right now.Copy !req
930. You, like, put powder in there?Copy !req
931. Yeah, I put a little Gold Bond on
this morning.Copy !req
932. Tickles!Copy !req
933. One of the most toxic concoctions
known to man.Copy !req
934. It's a disease nest.Copy !req
935. Mine, you don't need a lot of.Copy !req
936. It's like just a little bit
of rattlesnake venom will get you.Copy !req
937. Is that the whole patch?Copy !req
938. Wait, I'm just wondering.
Mike, is that a crab?Copy !req
939. - What's that white speck on top?
- What is that?Copy !req
940. That's a crab.Copy !req
941. Mike's got crabs.Copy !req
942. Hey, guys! Guys! Mike's got crabs!Copy !req
943. What's that?Copy !req
944. This? Spirit gum. It's like, the adhesiveCopy !req
945. that's gonna keep the beard on.Copy !req
946. How's the dialog? I mean,
I've never, like, done this before.Copy !req
947. - It's a game, you know.
- Compliment him, followed by an insult.Copy !req
948. - This is fucked, dude.
- Just don't break the character.Copy !req
949. All right, Ehren, the main thing,Copy !req
950. you cannot tell him
you're from any country in particular.Copy !req
951. This is such a good bit.
It's muffed up, but it's great.Copy !req
952. Close your mouth. Relax.Copy !req
953. We're making you look
like what we thinkCopy !req
954. this guy expects a terrorist to look like.Copy !req
955. You're not making fun of anybody.
We're just trying to scare the cab driver.Copy !req
956. I kind of already know that.Copy !req
957. Father. Hello, Father.Copy !req
958. You shut up.
I told you to come here earlier.Copy !req
959. - I'm sorry, Father.
- You are late. You cannot be accepted.Copy !req
960. - I have disgraced you.
- Where have you been,Copy !req
961. you little bastard?Copy !req
962. - I have been making a number two.
- Oh.Copy !req
963. Ehren, you are king.Copy !req
964. Thank you very much.Copy !req
965. What are you laughing at?
You people, you.Copy !req
966. Bam Margera and shit.Copy !req
967. Look how sweet the beard is, Jeff.Copy !req
968. Hello.Copy !req
969. - Hello. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.Copy !req
970. I look creepy, man.
I wish that I was born this way.Copy !req
971. You sound like schtick now.
Don't turn it into a comedy routine.Copy !req
972. No, very good. I know what to do now.Copy !req
973. No, I think there's gonna be some...Copy !req
974. So, we have two cameras following...Copy !req
975. Excuse me.Copy !req
976. Hello?Copy !req
977. I'd like to say, for not ever having
done makeup before your disguise,Copy !req
978. I feel pretty...
like I've achieved something.Copy !req
979. I feel like I'm eating pubes right now.Copy !req
980. I got this shit all in my mouth.Copy !req
981. - Is it on the corner?
- Yes, it's like I'm chewing on this shit.Copy !req
982. - Is this real hair?
- No. Go like this.Copy !req
983. I'm going to get it out of your mouth.Copy !req
984. Okay. Does that feel better?Copy !req
985. Well, I still got it
on the back of my tongue.Copy !req
986. There. Out?Copy !req
987. Yeah, very good.Copy !req
988. - Very expert.
- Thank you.Copy !req
989. Hello, my name is Ehren McGhehey
and this is Terror Taxi.Copy !req
990. terror taxiCopy !req
991. Now I shall call to taxi.Copy !req
992. Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the best skit of this movie.Copy !req
993. The cab's here. We're on. We're on.
Let's do it.Copy !req
994. - He has no clue.
- I don't want the makeup to bleed.Copy !req
995. - We get to listen the whole time?
- I'm so glad I hopped in this van.Copy !req
996. Oh, my God.Copy !req
997. He's feeling the part so hard
and he has no clue.Copy !req
998. It's all downhill from here.Copy !req
999. To the Burbank Airport, please.Copy !req
1000. Okay.Copy !req
1001. - Where are you guys from?
- It's none of your business, I'm sorry.Copy !req
1002. You got any luggage or...Copy !req
1003. No, no luggage where we going.Copy !req
1004. I do not like this country
very much, though.Copy !req
1005. I like the countryside, though.
The countryside is good.Copy !req
1006. And the breasts.Copy !req
1007. Yeah, I'm married.Copy !req
1008. What size is your wife's breasts?Copy !req
1009. Yeah, well, let's just leave my wife
out of it, okay?Copy !req
1010. Very good, very good.Copy !req
1011. Are they bigger than a D?Copy !req
1012. I love Ds.Copy !req
1013. Do you want me to fucking pull over?
I mean, is that the fuck...Copy !req
1014. No. I'm very sorry. I will not talk.Copy !req
1015. There's an airplane, there!Copy !req
1016. We are very, very close.Copy !req
1017. Boom! We are very, very close.Copy !req
1018. What does that mean, "Boom"?Copy !req
1019. Boom! Like, "Boom! Kaboom!"
and all that.Copy !req
1020. There is the airport back there.
Which way are you going?Copy !req
1021. Where you going? Where are you going?
Where are you going?Copy !req
1022. Where are you going, man?
Where are you going?Copy !req
1023. Do not go down the alleyway.
Very scary. Stop it! Fuck you!Copy !req
1024. Fuck you! Fuck you!
You are a crazy man. Fuck you up!Copy !req
1025. Fuck you! Asshole!Copy !req
1026. Shit fucker! Shit fucker! Asshole!Copy !req
1027. Fucking money, I give you money,
lots of money!Copy !req
1028. Boom! Boom! Boom!
I'll blow us up right now!Copy !req
1029. Right now! Right now I'll blow you up!Copy !req
1030. What the fuck is up, man?Copy !req
1031. What the fuck is going on?
He's got a fucking gun, man.Copy !req
1032. I got a bomb, dude!Copy !req
1033. Fuck you! I got a fucking bomb, dude!Copy !req
1034. Dude, get the fuck off of me!Copy !req
1035. Get the fuck off me!
Get the fuck off of me!Copy !req
1036. We're just filming a skit!Copy !req
1037. Get the fuck off of me!Copy !req
1038. - What do you want me to do?
- Get on the floor.Copy !req
1039. - What do you want me to do?
- Get on the fucking floor.Copy !req
1040. Just get on the floor, dude.Copy !req
1041. Lay down.Copy !req
1042. This is fucked.Copy !req
1043. Lay down on your face.Copy !req
1044. What the fuck, dude? I mean, come on!Copy !req
1045. - You got a fucking—
- I fucking knew it, dude!Copy !req
1046. He fucking carries a gun.
This is bullshit.Copy !req
1047. Just do what he says.
Just do what the fuck he says, dude.Copy !req
1048. Stay there.
I'm gonna fucking call the cops.Copy !req
1049. This guy's got a fucking gun, dumbshits!Copy !req
1050. Come on! Get the fuck out here!Copy !req
1051. Don't fucking move!Copy !req
1052. Don't point the gun at me anymore,Copy !req
1053. - Then lay down!
- you piece of shit!Copy !req
1054. - Fuck!
- Just fucking relax, dude.Copy !req
1055. Fuck, it's a gun, dude.Copy !req
1056. Fuck!Copy !req
1057. - What the fuck do you want from us?
- Get up!Copy !req
1058. Get up, Ehren. Get the fuck up.Copy !req
1059. Why? Why should I get up?Copy !req
1060. - You have me on the fucking ground.
- Ehren, he has a fucking gun.Copy !req
1061. Just get the fuck up, dude.
We gotta get the fuck out of here.Copy !req
1062. - Get in there.
- No, fuck you.Copy !req
1063. - Just do what he says, dude.
- Get in there.Copy !req
1064. Get the fuck in the trunk.Copy !req
1065. He's got a fucking gun pointed at me,Copy !req
1066. - fuckface, asshole, cocksucker!
- Get in the fucking trunk!Copy !req
1067. Dude, get in the trunk.Copy !req
1068. If you fuck me up, I will fucking
find you, somehow, or something.Copy !req
1069. - Just get in.
- Seriously.Copy !req
1070. Why am I getting in the fucking back
of this fucking cab, dude?Copy !req
1071. - He's got a fucking gun!
- Get the fuck back here!Copy !req
1072. Dude, just fucking put the gun down!Copy !req
1073. You shut the fuck up!Copy !req
1074. - Oh fuck, dude!
- Holy shit!Copy !req
1075. - What the fuck, dude?
- Get the fuck on the ground!Copy !req
1076. I'm fucking serious!Copy !req
1077. I'm bleeding.Copy !req
1078. No, no! Dude, we're filming.Copy !req
1079. - Fuck you! Get the fuck out of here!
- No, we're fucking filming!Copy !req
1080. That's Bam Margera, dumbshit!
He's famous!Copy !req
1081. Look, there's cameras,
there's a sound guy.Copy !req
1082. We're filming a fucking movie, dude.Copy !req
1083. This guy's got a dynamite vest on!Copy !req
1084. Hey, put the gun down, dude!Copy !req
1085. What the fuck?Copy !req
1086. He shot me!Copy !req
1087. Preston, you fucking idiot!
Get me the fuck out of here!Copy !req
1088. - Fuck this!
- Please, sir! Please, sir!Copy !req
1089. - Fuck! Fuck!
- Sir, please!Copy !req
1090. - Please! Stop!
- Sir, please!Copy !req
1091. What the fuck?Copy !req
1092. Dude, get me out of here!Copy !req
1093. Oh, shit!Copy !req
1094. Oh, shit!Copy !req
1095. Oh, God, no!Copy !req
1096. Oh, fuck. I'm going to fucking die.Copy !req
1097. Why the fuck did I agree to do this shit?
Dude, it wasn't even my fucking idea.Copy !req
1098. Fucking fuck.Copy !req
1099. Oh, my God, dude.Copy !req
1100. I can't believe that shit, dude.Copy !req
1101. What the fuck, are you an actor
or some bullshit?Copy !req
1102. - Come on.
- Fucking crap, dude!Copy !req
1103. I almost shit my pants.
I'm not even kidding.Copy !req
1104. Dude, that was so awesome.Copy !req
1105. Oh, God, dude, I'm so happy
right now. Seriously.Copy !req
1106. Oh, my God. I was so worried.Copy !req
1107. Fuck.Copy !req
1108. I get it. It's a prank on a prank, yeah.Copy !req
1109. He fucking pulled out
a gun on me, dude.Copy !req
1110. Look where your beard came from.Copy !req
1111. Look, look! I'll show you!Copy !req
1112. Look at my patch!Copy !req
1113. Look! That's all our pubes.Copy !req
1114. You should try and get that off.
I don't know...Copy !req
1115. Oh, my God, dude, that sucks.Copy !req
1116. Every time it gets
fucking worse and worse!Copy !req
1117. You guys didn't fuckingCopy !req
1118. - super-glue that, did you?
- Fuck! Shit!Copy !req
1119. No!Copy !req
1120. That sucks! I told you not to do that!Copy !req
1121. Ehren, come on!
Why are you getting mad at me?Copy !req
1122. I got your dick hair
all over my fucking face!Copy !req
1123. This sucks, dude!
Give me something to get this shit off.Copy !req
1124. This shit was in my mouth!Copy !req
1125. How are you going to explain crabs
on your face?Copy !req
1126. This shit was all over my fucking mouth!Copy !req
1127. It wasn't from my dick.
Some of it was from my ass.Copy !req
1128. Oh, God, this is so bad.Copy !req
1129. Look at this. This is from Derek.Copy !req
1130. "Okay, who brought crabs to the party?
Fuck me."Copy !req
1131. One of the guys had crabs!Copy !req
1132. Seriously, like,
was the dick hair necessary?Copy !req
1133. Absolutely.Copy !req
1134. Like, was that the big payoff?Copy !req
1135. Like, "Ha, ha,
dick hairs glued on his face"?Copy !req
1136. - Is it itching?
- It's in my mouth.Copy !req
1137. Why'd you put it in your mouth?Copy !req
1138. I'm Johnny Knoxville
and this is the Bear Trap.Copy !req
1139. the bear trapCopy !req
1140. The best of times is nowCopy !req
1141. What's left of summer but a faded rose?Copy !req
1142. The best of times is nowCopy !req
1143. As for tomorrow, well who knows
Who knows, who knowsCopy !req
1144. Get it off!Copy !req
1145. Get it off! Get it off!Copy !req
1146. The best of times is nowCopy !req
1147. What's left of summer but a faded rose?Copy !req
1148. The best of times is nowCopy !req
1149. As for tomorrow, well who knows,
Who knows, who knowsCopy !req
1150. So hold this moment fastCopy !req
1151. And live and love
As hard as you know howCopy !req
1152. And make this moment lastCopy !req
1153. Because the best of times is nowCopy !req
1154. Is now, is nowCopy !req
1155. Fuck!Copy !req
1156. NowCopy !req
1157. Not some forgotten yesterdayCopy !req
1158. Now, tomorrow is too far awayCopy !req
1159. So hold this moment fastCopy !req
1160. And live and love
As hard as you know howCopy !req
1161. And make this moment lastCopy !req
1162. Because the best of times is nowCopy !req
1163. Is now, is nowCopy !req
1164. So hold this moment fastCopy !req
1165. And live and love as hard
As you know howCopy !req
1166. And make this moment lastCopy !req
1167. Because the best of times is now
Is now, is nowCopy !req
1168. Is nowCopy !req
1169. Is nowCopy !req
1170. I'll Jackass Two your ass.
Do me a favor.Copy !req
1171. And you wonder why I drink?
I drink to steady my nerves.Copy !req
1172. I was so steady,
I couldn't move last week!Copy !req
1173. I had vodka and prune juice.
It's called a pile-driver.Copy !req
1174. I'll be okay.Copy !req
1175. Please, God, don't let there
be a Jackass Three.Copy !req
1176. Please, please, God, don't let there
be a Jackass Three.Copy !req
1177. I don't even like doing Two.Copy !req
1178. Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville.Copy !req
1179. Welcome to India!Copy !req
1180. Can I get off his dick...Copy !req
1181. Way to go.Copy !req
1182. I don't like this at all!Copy !req
1183. Sorry, bro.Copy !req
1184. I didn't see you there.Copy !req
1185. I was headed over to Produce.Copy !req
1186. You knocked out my tooth again!Copy !req
1187. Look at Rick!Copy !req
1188. He fucking swallowed it?Copy !req
1189. Horse cum!Copy !req
1190. I'm not getting paid to be on camera,
you fucking dick.Copy !req
1191. That was great.Copy !req
1192. Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
1193. Yeah, what have you got?Copy !req
1194. Marker.Copy !req
1195. Don't drop your shit.Copy !req
1196. Just act like it hurts, okay?Copy !req
1197. Wow. I actually feel energized after that.Copy !req
1198. Oh my God, look!
Point it at the cameraman!Copy !req
1199. Into the sink!Copy !req
1200. In the sink!Copy !req
1201. - In the sink!
- In the sink!Copy !req
1202. - Are you lubed up?
- Yeah!Copy !req
1203. Hey, they're ready to go.
Do you want to shoot it?Copy !req
1204. You all right, buddy?Copy !req
1205. I'm all right, man.Copy !req
1206. Water-based lubricants. Friend or foe?Copy !req
1207. You be the judge.Copy !req
1208. Okay, I can't breathe.Copy !req
1209. Can you take it off, please?Copy !req
1210. - Oh, is this your fruit?
- No.Copy !req
1211. Oh, these are beautiful!
They're so round and lush.Copy !req
1212. - How much is the oranges?
- Six dollars.Copy !req
1213. Okay.Copy !req
1214. I accidentally cut myself.
I need a doctor, dude.Copy !req
1215. Doctor!Copy !req
1216. - We're supposed to catch these?
- Yeah!Copy !req
1217. You are fucking kidding!Copy !req
1218. Oh, my God!Copy !req
1219. No! Don't do that.Copy !req
1220. The snake is attracted to the heat.Copy !req
1221. Yeah, we got to get the mousey warm
for the snake.Copy !req
1222. But not too warm!Copy !req
1223. - Look at his face.
- He has a big raspberry.Copy !req
1224. A couple of them.Copy !req
1225. Shit!Copy !req
1226. What the fuck happened?Copy !req
1227. - Medic!
- Medic!Copy !req
1228. Someone said cut.Copy !req
1229. What's up, Bam?Copy !req
1230. I hate the fact that I had to fucking...Copy !req
1231. hang out with alligators
and fucking cobras.Copy !req
1232. I have dicks branded on my ass.Copy !req
1233. Everything fucking sucks.Copy !req
1234. Like, everybody's
just f-ing with me today.Copy !req
1235. And my Misfits sock.Copy !req
1236. It's not even funny anymore.Copy !req
1237. I want to go home.Copy !req