1. And we were born on September 15...
Copy !req
2. 1989.
Copy !req
3. - And...
- And she's the older... Older twin.
Copy !req
4. - I'm older by 10 minutes.
- She's... Ten minutes.
Copy !req
5. 'Cause she had an umbilical cord
wrapped around her neck.
Copy !req
6. And she, like,
shoved me in there and wouldn't let me out.
Copy !req
7. I was, like, kicking her in,
Copy !req
8. shoving her more in my mom,
Copy !req
9. - so that's why she came out, like, later.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
10. - And...
- She came out the bigger twin, too.
Copy !req
11. Well, I came out a pound heavier than Kara,
Copy !req
12. so that's why I'm an inch taller now.
Copy !req
13. She's always been, like, a pound heavier.
Copy !req
14. No.
Copy !req
15. So, yeah, it's...
You know, I love being twins, man. It's...
Copy !req
16. It's basically
like you have a bag of spare parts.
Copy !req
17. - Yeah.
- You know what I mean?
Copy !req
18. It's, like, I need a kidney down the road,
Copy !req
19. I know he's got one, so I'm always like,
Copy !req
20. "Hey, stay healthy, dude. Eat right."
Copy !req
21. When we were kids,
we had our own secret language
Copy !req
22. that only me and my brother understood.
Copy !req
23. I guess, when we were kids,
we thought we were whales.
Copy !req
24. Like, when things are bad,
Copy !req
25. we don't really got to say anything
to each other.
Copy !req
26. We just make these sounds. It's like...
Copy !req
27. So, I just graduated from Harvard,
and I'm starting a new job
Copy !req
28. at a law firm in Southern California,
so I'm really happy about that.
Copy !req
29. And I got a job at Hooters. I'm happy, too.
Copy !req
30. Hooters!
Copy !req
31. Being a twin is like being a married
couple, and you can't divorce her.
Copy !req
32. Even, like...
I mean, I love her when we're together
Copy !req
33. Well, actually, more so when we're distant.
Copy !req
34. She loves nature, like me.
Copy !req
35. She loves donating her time to charities.
Copy !req
36. And she loves eating healthy,
so that's awesome.
Copy !req
37. She's my best friend.
Copy !req
38. My best friend is my boyfriend.
Copy !req
39. Pepto-Bismol, take 43.
Copy !req
40. And action!
Copy !req
41. Please, why do I have
to have such diarrhea?
Copy !req
42. You need to drink the pink.
Copy !req
43. - Hold it. Cut! Cut! Jack!
- What is he doing?
Copy !req
44. Jack, are you watching this?
Copy !req
45. What do you mean, "Cut," man?
Copy !req
46. I... I got to be at Sesame
Street by 1:00.
Copy !req
47. Hey, hey, hey, Reeg,
do you really have diarrhea?
Copy !req
48. 'Cause you lost weight or something.
Copy !req
49. Why does the stomach
have all the good lines?
Copy !req
50. "Drink the pink." That's funny.
Copy !req
51. I'm sorry, Jack.
Copy !req
52. The Dunkin' Donut people
want to talk to us.
Copy !req
53. Okay, well, I got to...
Copy !req
54. Regis, it's going to be fine.
Copy !req
55. Yeah, and you'll take care of that, and...
Copy !req
56. Thank you very much.
I didn't need that, but cool.
Copy !req
57. I got some bad news.
Copy !req
58. We may lose Dunkin' Donuts.
Copy !req
59. What do you mean "lose"?
They didn't like our pitches?
Copy !req
60. They want Al Pacino.
Copy !req
61. Al Pacino to do a commercial?
Copy !req
62. The Godfather Al Pacino?
Copy !req
63. They got this new coffee drink,
the Dunkaccino.
Copy !req
64. Dunkaccino, Al Pacino, they sound alike.
Copy !req
65. - Yes.
- Well, they think it'll be a home run.
Copy !req
66. Of course it would be a home run,
Copy !req
67. if he would ever do it, which he won't.
Copy !req
68. Yeah, well, never say never.
Copy !req
69. Remember, you didn't think
we could get Brad Pitt
Copy !req
70. to do that RadioShack commercial.
Copy !req
71. I was right.
Copy !req
72. Well, you can't be right all the time.
Copy !req
73. Look, bottom line,
Copy !req
74. they're going to give us one month
to make this whole Pacino thing happen,
Copy !req
75. or they're going to go elsewhere.
Copy !req
76. We can't lose Dunkin' Donuts.
They're our biggest client.
Copy !req
77. Damn it. We're going to go bankrupt, buddy.
Copy !req
78. And we have 200 employees relying on us.
Copy !req
79. Try to have a good Thanksgiving, okay?
Copy !req
80. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
81. What do you think? Would Al Pacino
ever do a Dunkin' Donuts commercial?
Copy !req
82. What?
Copy !req
83. Yeah.
Copy !req
84. Shut up.
Copy !req
85. - Did my wife call?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
86. You're all set for the cruise.
You guys leave a week after Hanukkah.
Copy !req
87. Okay, all right. There's some good news.
Copy !req
88. Yeah. She converted, right? That's so cool.
She doesn't look Jewish at all.
Copy !req
89. Wow. That was anti-Semitic.
Copy !req
90. What? No, I just...
Copy !req
91. See, I can say that, you can't.
You're not Jewish.
Copy !req
92. No, but I'm close.
Copy !req
93. What... What does that mean?
Copy !req
94. I'm an atheist.
Copy !req
95. - You're two for two right there.
- What? No...
Copy !req
96. Anyways, did my sister say
what time she's flying in tomorrow?
Copy !req
97. Yeah, I was supposed to
pick her up at noon,
Copy !req
98. but she switched the flight to earlier,
Copy !req
99. so now she gets in at 4:00 in the morning.
Copy !req
100. Why?
Copy !req
101. Something about jet lag
Copy !req
102. She never listens. She gains three hours.
Copy !req
103. Every year, she acts like
she's flying to New Zealand.
Copy !req
104. She's a freak, man.
Copy !req
105. Yeah, again, you can't say that.
Copy !req
106. No, I...
Copy !req
107. - Honey...
- Yeah?
Copy !req
108. Try complimenting her.
Copy !req
109. Yeah. What?
Copy !req
110. To avoid fighting.
Copy !req
111. Just focus on something positive.
Copy !req
112. Tell Jill that she has nice shoes.
Copy !req
113. Nice shoes. That's good. That'll work.
Copy !req
114. - I love you, honey.
- I love you, too.
Copy !req
115. And I love my sister.
Copy !req
116. And I can keep my cool.
It's only four days.
Copy !req
117. I love my sister. I love her shoes.
Copy !req
118. Well, I just...
Copy !req
119. I can't find him anywhere.
Copy !req
120. Does he know what terminal it is?
Copy !req
121. I...
Copy !req
122. Okay, okay, I see him.
Copy !req
123. All right, I'm hanging up.
Copy !req
124. How are we doing?
Copy !req
125. Where were you?
Copy !req
126. I've been waiting forever for you.
Copy !req
127. This place is creeping me out.
Copy !req
128. Why so many bags?
Are the Knicks traveling with you?
Copy !req
129. - What is with this?
- Mom always said,
Copy !req
130. "it's better to have it and not need it
than to need it and not have it."
Copy !req
131. Yeah, she did say that.
I remember that. That was cool.
Copy !req
132. Are you going bald?
Copy !req
133. No, no, no, no. You're getting fatter,
and your hair doesn't realize
Copy !req
134. that it needs to cover more face.
Copy !req
135. - Okay.
- Where'd you put the car?
Copy !req
136. You really had to bring your bird?
Copy !req
137. Yeah, she's my best friend.
Copy !req
138. - Anyways, Jill, I was thinking...
- Yeah?
Copy !req
139. The house is going to be very crowded
Copy !req
140. 'cause we got the kids, and all the guests
Copy !req
141. are coming by, and blah, blah, blah.
Copy !req
142. So, there's this new hotel,
a Hilton that they just built down...
Copy !req
143. But I want to spend time
with Sofie and Gary.
Copy !req
144. Why, do you not want me to stay with you?
Copy !req
145. No, no, no, no.
Of course I want you to stay with us.
Copy !req
146. I was just... I was just saying.
Copy !req
147. Okay, I'll stay with you, then.
Copy !req
148. It's too bad,
'cause the hotel was starting to sound fun.
Copy !req
149. Why are you doing that?
Why do you sigh so loud?
Copy !req
150. I just really, really love your shoes.
Copy !req
151. You are so weird.
Copy !req
152. Isn't he weird, Poopsie?
Copy !req
153. Where were you?
Copy !req
154. Poopsie gets it.
Copy !req
155. Yeah. Poopsie really gets it.
Copy !req
156. She always did get it. I... It's just...
Copy !req
157. She always loved getting it.
Copy !req
158. And then your dad and I
went to the soup kitchen,
Copy !req
159. and they gave us Otto
to bring to Thanksgiving dinner this year.
Copy !req
160. Thanks again for having me. It's very nice.
Copy !req
161. Are you going to eat
dinner with us tonight?
Copy !req
162. Yes, he is, honey.
Copy !req
163. And what about tomorrow night?
Copy !req
164. Tomorrow, Otto's going to go back home...
Copy !req
165. Less.
Copy !req
166. Sorry.
Copy !req
167. Sofia, show Otto your karate moves.
Copy !req
168. You know, why don't...
Why don't you go wake up Jill?
Copy !req
169. - What?
- It's 5330.
Copy !req
170. She's here. That's the important thing.
It counts as a day.
Copy !req
171. - So what? She's sleeping.
- Jack“.
Copy !req
172. - All right, I'll go check on Jill.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
173. It's okay, Otto. It's just her
Copy !req
174. Jill.
Copy !req
175. Wake up.
Copy !req
176. Okay, stay sleeping...
Copy !req
177. Jet lag.
Copy !req
178. - I have a gun!
- Oh, my God!
Copy !req
179. You see, I live alone.
Poopsie's trained to watch out for me.
Copy !req
180. Don't sneak up like that, all right?
Copy !req
181. Where were you?
Copy !req
182. I don't...
Copy !req
183. Come downstairs. The food's ready.
Copy !req
184. Can you just lay down with me
for five minutes?
Copy !req
185. I'm not laying down with you. No.
Copy !req
186. Come on. I just want some twin time.
Copy !req
187. I'm a grown man.
I'm not laying next to you.
Copy !req
188. Just have Poopsie lay with you.
I... I don't know.
Copy !req
189. All right.
Copy !req
190. I'll take a bath,
and I'll meet you downstairs in an hour.
Copy !req
191. Good looking out, Poopsie.
Copy !req
192. Don't forget your sweat shadow.
Copy !req
193. What?
Copy !req
194. All right,
just take your bath and all that stuff,
Copy !req
195. and then burn those sheets.
Copy !req
196. Hey, guys.
Copy !req
197. Jill! You look amazing.
Copy !req
198. Macy's, Marshalls.
Copy !req
199. Hey, where am I sitting?
Copy !req
200. What do you mean?
Copy !req
201. 'Cause, usually, I sit next to you.
Copy !req
202. So all of a sudden, I'm...
I'm not going to sit here?
Copy !req
203. Would you...
Copy !req
204. I thought you could sit down here.
Copy !req
205. I always sit next to Jack.
Copy !req
206. - Is there a reason I'm moving?
- No.
Copy !req
207. Jill, if you'd like, you could sit here.
I'd be happy to move.
Copy !req
208. That's okay. You're fine.
Copy !req
209. If you want to... If you...
Do you want to sit here?
Copy !req
210. I don't know.
Copy !req
211. Okay, you just sit in my chair. How's that?
Copy !req
212. - There you go.
- All right, thank you.
Copy !req
213. - Gary, is that you?
- Yes, it is.
Copy !req
214. - Look how handsome you are.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
215. It's so nice to see you.
Copy !req
216. Look at this leaf. Look at this.
Copy !req
217. You have it taped on you?
Copy !req
218. - That's so cute.
- Yes.
Copy !req
219. Why did he do that?
Copy !req
220. He likes tape.
Copy !req
221. Hey. Sofie, is that you, or is that you?
Copy !req
222. Good to see you, Erin.
Copy !req
223. Good to see you, Jill.
Copy !req
224. - How was your flight?
- The house looks amazing.
Copy !req
225. You got a new chandelier?
Copy !req
226. Yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
227. I loved the old one.
Copy !req
228. So, how's every body's Gobble-Gobble Day?
Copy !req
229. - Great.
- Excellent.
Copy !req
230. By the way, Jill, this is Otto. Otto.
Copy !req
231. Nice to meet you.
Copy !req
232. Nice to meet you.
Copy !req
233. He's homeless, right?
Copy !req
234. He seems clean, but you should put
Copy !req
235. one of those toilet seat protectors
underneath him
Copy !req
236. to make sure he doesn't ruin the chair.
Copy !req
237. Are you whispering
with a bullhorn or something?
Copy !req
238. Everybody hears you.
Copy !req
239. No, they can't, Mr. Hearing Expert.
Copy !req
240. - So...
- Pass that down, Daddy.
Copy !req
241. I'm allowed out here once a year,
so I tend to miss things.
Copy !req
242. What's going on? Anything new?
Copy !req
243. Well, Sofie just got her
green belt in karate
Copy !req
244. How come I didn't know about this?
Copy !req
245. I didn't even know she did karate.
What... I mean,
Copy !req
246. I feel like I'm in the
Twilight Zone right now.
Copy !req
247. I'm like Jimmy Stewart
at the end of that movie,
Copy !req
248. the one where...
They... They're in Pottersville.
Copy !req
249. What... What is that... That movie called?
Copy !req
250. It's a Wonderful Life?
Copy !req
251. No, no, with Jimmy Stewart.
Copy !req
252. The... The one where he meets the angel
and he's mad.
Copy !req
253. It's a Wonderful Life.
Copy !req
254. Why do you keep saying that?
Copy !req
255. No, the one where he falls in the pool
Copy !req
256. and he sings Buffalo Gals.
Copy !req
257. He gets all the money at the end,
Copy !req
258. and he finds out
that his life really is wonderful.
Copy !req
259. Star Wars.
Copy !req
260. They play it every Christmas.
Copy !req
261. You must have saw it
before Jack made you convert.
Copy !req
262. What? What are you doing right now?
Copy !req
263. Your brother didn't
make me do anything, Jill.
Copy !req
264. Everyone has to be like Jack over here.
Copy !req
265. Even poor Gary.
Copy !req
266. What? What does that mean?
Copy !req
267. You made him switch from being Indian.
Copy !req
268. What is wrong with you?
Copy !req
269. We adopted him when he was 10 days old.
Copy !req
270. This is all he knows.
Copy !req
271. Did you ever think maybe he tapes things
to himself
Copy !req
272. 'cause he doesn't feel connected?
Copy !req
273. You know, to his real parents?
Copy !req
274. That was very smart.
I just thought of that.
Copy !req
275. Isn't it? That was interesting.
Copy !req
276. - Aunt Jill?
- Yes, sweetheart.
Copy !req
277. Yes, Sofie.
Copy !req
278. Do you and Daddy have twin powers?
Copy !req
279. What's this? What is twin powers?
Copy !req
280. It's this thing we
saw on 60 Minutes.
Copy !req
281. Some twins have strange powers, and they
can feel when the other one's hurt.
Copy !req
282. Jack and I can do that.
Copy !req
283. What? Why are you making a face?
Copy !req
284. When we were kids,
you felt it when I broke my ankle.
Copy !req
285. I felt it 'cause you fell on my head.
Copy !req
286. - You like that one?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
287. - All right, good, good.
- Please!
Copy !req
288. Tell me you don't feel this.
Copy !req
289. I didn't feel it.
Maybe if you did it harder.
Copy !req
290. Little harder.
Copy !req
291. No, Jill. Stop it.
Copy !req
292. - He's kidding.
- What?
Copy !req
293. Donkey fight!
Copy !req
294. - Jill, are you okay?
- Yeah, no, I'm fine.
Copy !req
295. Gary, that was... He didn't 100% connect.
Copy !req
296. Feel that, Daddy?
Copy !req
297. I... I actually did feel something there.
Copy !req
298. Pride in my son.
Copy !req
299. Will you stop it already?
Copy !req
300. These sweet potatoes need salt.
Copy !req
301. I'm so sick of that.
Copy !req
302. Why are you so afraid
to admit that we are connected?
Copy !req
303. Face it.
Copy !req
304. We shared Mom's womb.
Copy !req
305. We were womb-mates.
Copy !req
306. That is just disgusting.
Copy !req
307. I have an idea.
Copy !req
308. On the show, there were these twins,
Copy !req
309. and they finished each other's sentences
Copy !req
310. Jack, maybe you could start a sentence,
Copy !req
311. - and Jill, you could finish it.
- No. No.
Copy !req
312. - Come on, Daddy, please!
- Please, Daddy, please!
Copy !req
313. - Please.
- Oh, my God.
Copy !req
314. Ready to receive mental images.
Copy !req
315. All right, will you stop?
You're scaring him.
Copy !req
316. That's just noises she's making.
Copy !req
317. - Okay, ready?
- Yes.
Copy !req
318. I'm very tired, so I'm going to...
Copy !req
319. Go to the supermarket.
Copy !req
320. No, I'm going to sleep.
Copy !req
321. What is... Why would I go to a supermarket
if I was tired?
Copy !req
322. That's what I would do.
Copy !req
323. The cold air always wakes you up.
Copy !req
324. Isn't it nice when it's...
You go over there in the frozen food section?
Copy !req
325. - God bless...
- You! God bless you!
Copy !req
326. I finished your sentence. Got you, Pagogo.
Copy !req
327. What's Pagogo?
Copy !req
328. Oh, it's... It's a name that Aunt Jill used
to call your dad when they were growing up.
Copy !req
329. I was Pokee, and your father was Pagogo.
Copy !req
330. We had our own secret language.
Copy !req
331. Ook maga do do, Pagogo.
Copy !req
332. I have no idea what those words mean,
Copy !req
333. nor have I ever known
what those words meant.
Copy !req
334. You do know what they mean,
and you're lying right now.
Copy !req
335. "Ook maga do do" means "I love you."
Copy !req
336. "Bongi" means "thank you."
Copy !req
337. "Klapa" means "left."
Copy !req
338. Hey, do you remember what
"Locky mocky koko" means?
Copy !req
339. What does it mean again?
Copy !req
340. Jack, don't.
Copy !req
341. It means, "I can't stand you being here!"
Copy !req
342. This is really awkward. I'm going to go.
Copy !req
343. Dessert is coming.
Copy !req
344. I'm full.
Copy !req
345. Okay.
Copy !req
346. I love how nice we are
to this homeless man,
Copy !req
347. a person we don't even know,
Copy !req
348. who probably is pretending to be homeless!
Copy !req
349. You don't look homeless to me!
You're fat! You're al-Qaeda!
Copy !req
350. Sofia, why don't you go upstairs?
Copy !req
351. No, Mom,
this is my favorite part of Thanksgiving.
Copy !req
352. You know what? I'm leaving.
Copy !req
353. I'm leaving. That's it. That's it. I'm going.
I am going! I hope you're happy!
Copy !req
354. I'm sleeping out here in the woods!
Copy !req
355. At least the animals will be nice.
Copy !req
356. - Jill!
- He's even turning the kids against me!
Copy !req
357. - Are you okay?
- Jill, are you all right?
Copy !req
358. No. See, the kids love you.
Copy !req
359. And I love them. And that's the only reason
that I come back here every year.
Copy !req
360. Jack, apologize.
Copy !req
361. I'm sorry that you make
everybody uncomfortable. I really am.
Copy !req
362. Jack.
Copy !req
363. All right.
I'm sorry about what I said back there.
Copy !req
364. I didn't mean it. I... I love you.
Copy !req
365. I just feel abandoned.
I'm all alone in the Bronx.
Copy !req
366. I don't have any family with me any more.
Copy !req
367. We didn't abandon you.
Copy !req
368. I told you,
you can Skype us any time you want.
Copy !req
369. I don't even know what that means.
Copy !req
370. What is Skype? It sounds anti-Semitic.
Copy !req
371. - What is it?
- It's just this Internet thing.
Copy !req
372. I don't get that!
Copy !req
373. You know I don't have a calculator.
Copy !req
374. - Okay.
- Do you know what?
Copy !req
375. Our home is your home.
Copy !req
376. So let's go back. I have some ice cream.
Copy !req
377. I don't know, Erin. I'm too upset.
Copy !req
378. I can't eat right now.
Copy !req
379. - What flavor?
- Chocolate.
Copy !req
380. No. You have maple walnut?
I don't like chocolate.
Copy !req
381. I... I didn't know you liked maple walnut.
Copy !req
382. Hang in there, brother.
Copy !req
383. She's only here till Sunday.
Copy !req
384. What is done cannot now be amended!
Copy !req
385. Yeah, Ted, I'm looking at it right now.
Copy !req
386. So, this was two nights ago?
Copy !req
387. If I did take the kingdom
Copy !req
388. from your sons, to make amends,
Copy !req
389. I give it to your daughter.
Copy !req
390. Will you get that?
Copy !req
391. Whoa.
Copy !req
392. You have a phone in your hand!
Copy !req
393. You are told before the play
starts not to have it ring!
Copy !req
394. Shut all cell phones off!
Copy !req
395. This is what the man said!
Copy !req
396. Yeah, this guy's going to do
a Dunkin' Donuts commercial.
Copy !req
397. This has got to stop.
Copy !req
398. I'm losing my mind.
Copy !req
399. Help me.
Copy !req
400. Where am I?
Copy !req
401. Thank you. Thank you all for coming.
Copy !req
402. Yeah.
Copy !req
403. How do you know Pacino's going
to a Laker game?
Copy !req
404. Well, yeah, get the tickets,
Copy !req
405. but how am I even going
to get near the guy?
Copy !req
406. He's going to have security or something.
Copy !req
407. I'm not telling my wife
to wear something trashy
Copy !req
408. just 'cause it would save our company.
Copy !req
409. Unless she wants to.
I mean, that's her thing.
Copy !req
410. No... I'm hanging up the phone. Goodbye.
Copy !req
411. Excuse me, Mrs. Erin, the magnolia branch
in the backyard could fall off any time.
Copy !req
412. I mean, I don't want anyone to get hurt.
Copy !req
413. Should I take it down now?
Copy !req
414. Yeah, sure, sure.
Whatever... Whatever you think, Felipe.
Copy !req
415. Okay.
Copy !req
416. Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?
Copy !req
417. Yeah, I had the whole family come over.
Copy !req
418. Even my Aunt Rosa snuck across the border.
Copy !req
419. I'm kidding, I'm kidding!
Copy !req
420. Who are you?
Are you a gardener or something?
Copy !req
421. No, I... I don't just do gardening
I do impressions, too.
Copy !req
422. When Immigration shows up,
I do a great impression of a tree.
Copy !req
423. I'm kidding, I'm kidding!
Copy !req
424. Strong. All right.
Jay Leno better watch his back.
Copy !req
425. You know it.
Copy !req
426. Nice to meet you, señorita.
Copy !req
427. Okay, nice to meet you.
Copy !req
428. What is he doing?
Copy !req
429. What is his problem?
Copy !req
430. Jack, Jack, Jack!
Copy !req
431. I put a little list together of things
I want to do before I leave, so...
Copy !req
432. Oh, my God. I got to touch that?
Copy !req
433. Yeah.
Copy !req
434. "Studio tour, beach,"
Copy !req
435. "horseback riding, get on a game show."
Copy !req
436. You can't get through all this stuff.
You're leaving Sunday.
Copy !req
437. I don't know.
Copy !req
438. What do you mean, you don't know?
You know.
Copy !req
439. I just wanted to have fun out here,
Copy !req
440. and, you know, we fought last night.
Copy !req
441. I just... I feel really
weird leaving like that.
Copy !req
442. What do you mean? It was a great night.
Copy !req
443. We... We ate food,
we ran in the woods. It was fun.
Copy !req
444. I just...
Maybe I should stay out through Hanukkah.
Copy !req
445. Mom's gone now,
Copy !req
446. so there's really nothing
for me to go back to.
Copy !req
447. - Stay, then!
- Stay!
Copy !req
448. She can't stay.
Because of your airline ticket.
Copy !req
449. It's, like, the busiest time of year.
We'll never get you a return flight.
Copy !req
450. That's why I used my twin hunch
Copy !req
451. in knowing that we would fight,
Copy !req
452. and I have an open-ended ticket.
Copy !req
453. Hanukkah! Hanukkah! Hanukkah! Hanukkah!
Copy !req
454. He's going to be mad.
Copy !req
455. I don't know where we parked the car.
I don't know.
Copy !req
456. I just want to go on with them
because they look soared.
Copy !req
457. I know if I was riding
with them, they would...
Copy !req
458. I know you say I weigh too much,
but I don't think I do.
Copy !req
459. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Copy !req
460. Okay, I'm ready! Let's go!
Copy !req
461. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
462. Oh, God! Look, I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
463. I weigh too much. You were right!
Copy !req
464. Gary...
Copy !req
465. At least put a helmet on that thing.
Copy !req
466. What are you doing?
Copy !req
467. Why can't I just lay with you?
Copy !req
468. You're a weirdo!
Copy !req
469. All right, welcome back to The Price ls Right.
Let's find out who's next.
Copy !req
470. Jill Sadelstein, come on down!
Copy !req
471. You're the next contestant
on The Price ls Right.
Copy !req
472. All right, Jill, go ahead
and spin the wheel,
Copy !req
473. - whenever you're ready.
- You are the best, Drew.
Copy !req
474. This is awesome, guys!
Copy !req
475. - Go ahead and...
- Are you married or not?
Copy !req
476. No. Go ahead and...
Copy !req
477. Jill, go ahead and spin the wheel.
Copy !req
478. No, because I know once I spin it,
I don't get to be near you any more.
Copy !req
479. - All right.
- All right.
Copy !req
480. Hey, Gary, Sofie.
Come on, guys, one dollar!
Copy !req
481. - One dollar.
- One dollar's the winner!
Copy !req
482. Good luck to you.
Copy !req
483. I never saw that before.
Hey, just give her a bunch of prizes.
Copy !req
484. We'll be right back right after this.
Don't go away.
Copy !req
485. Call an ambulance.
Copy !req
486. It banged me good.
Copy !req
487. Then, when I hit the floor,
that's when I really went out.
Copy !req
488. But when I came to, it was good.
They had prizes for me.
Copy !req
489. Say hello to my little friend!
Copy !req
490. Do you want to play rough? Okay.
Copy !req
491. What is she doing now?
Copy !req
492. I don't know...
Copy !req
493. Whoa! It's hard to hold on.
Copy !req
494. Please don't destroy my pool.
Copy !req
495. I've got it now. I...
Copy !req
496. My head!
Copy !req
497. But it's such a waste.
Copy !req
498. A full moon, an empty yacht.
Copy !req
499. I'll throw up.
Copy !req
500. I'll be.
Copy !req
501. About the roadhouse...
Copy !req
502. They have a Cuban band
that's the berries.
Copy !req
503. Let's go there, blindfold the orchestra,
and tango till dawn.
Copy !req
504. - Do you know something, Mr. Fielding?
- What?
Copy !req
505. You're dynamite.
Copy !req
506. Daddy.
Copy !req
507. You and Jill are so alike.
Copy !req
508. We are nothing alike, I promise you.
Copy !req
509. Well?
Copy !req
510. I'm not quite sure.
Copy !req
511. Would you try it again?
Copy !req
512. Just watch the movie.
Copy !req
513. I got a funny sensation in my toes.
Copy !req
514. Like someone was barbecuing them
over a slow flame.
Copy !req
515. I think you're on the right track.
Copy !req
516. I must be.
Copy !req
517. Your glasses are
beginning to steam up.
Copy !req
518. Hello?
Copy !req
519. Mrs. Applebaum.
Copy !req
520. Hi. Yeah, no...
Copy !req
521. - What are you doing?
- It wasn't an emergency.
Copy !req
522. I just wanted to see
how my plants were doing.
Copy !req
523. Please stop talking!
Copy !req
524. - Okay, and you turned the heat off?
- Turn off the phone.
Copy !req
525. All the way off, though?
Copy !req
526. Jill, Jill!
Copy !req
527. Yeah, I can't hear her. I'm trying to...
Copy !req
528. - I'm on the phone.
- Well, get off the phone, you psycho!
Copy !req
529. - No, don't cry.
- You know what?
Copy !req
530. - Don't run away.
- You just...
Copy !req
531. - Don't go in the woods. Jill!
- I can't believe it.
Copy !req
532. Hey!
Copy !req
533. It's the last night of Hanukkah!
Copy !req
534. Come on, already! It's happy time!
Copy !req
535. Dude, way to yell at a chick.
That's awesome.
Copy !req
536. That was a chick?
Copy !req
537. - Yeah, that was a chick.
- Really.
Copy !req
538. Hey! The brake.
Copy !req
539. Hey, hey, I can do it!
Copy !req
540. - It's all right! I got it!
- I can do it!
Copy !req
541. It's all right!
Copy !req
542. Hey, I can do it.
Copy !req
543. It's okay.
Copy !req
544. It goes fast.
Copy !req
545. I'm getting it on him.
Copy !req
546. She's crazy.
Copy !req
547. She's crazy. She's never leaving.
Copy !req
548. Well, she was going to leave
until you called her "psycho."
Copy !req
549. She's forwarding her mail to us now!
Copy !req
550. Highlights magazine.
Copy !req
551. Birdy magazine addressed to Poopsie!
Copy !req
552. Okay, okay.
Copy !req
553. Did you ever think that maybe she's lonely
Copy !req
554. and she needs someone
to get her through the holidays?
Copy !req
555. She needs a guy.
Copy !req
556. - She needs a guy!
- No, no, no, no.
Copy !req
557. If we don't get her a guy by New Year's,
Copy !req
558. she's gonna come on the
cruise ship with us.
Copy !req
559. We'll be locked on a boat for seven days!
I'll kill myself!
Copy !req
560. Do not get involved in her love life.
Copy !req
561. Aunt Jill, why don't you have any kids?
Copy !req
562. Gary, did you make your bed this morning?
Copy !req
563. It's okay, Erin.
You don't have to... I can tell him.
Copy !req
564. Gary, I have all the equipment
Copy !req
565. and it seems to be functioning well.
Copy !req
566. I get a little reminder
every 30 days or so.
Copy !req
567. But the point is, Gary,
I was never married.
Copy !req
568. Why?
Copy !req
569. Well, everyone loved your father.
Copy !req
570. He was more of a gadfly.
Copy !req
571. Me, I kept to myself,
Copy !req
572. made sure Grandma and Grandpa were okay.
Copy !req
573. But everybody loves Aunt Jill
just as much as Daddy.
Copy !req
574. Or more.
Copy !req
575. Don't say that.
Copy !req
576. Your father,
he might act tough, but he has thin skin.
Copy !req
577. You'd hurt his feelings.
Copy !req
578. Aunt Jill, did you date boys?
Copy !req
579. I liked boys.
Copy !req
580. They just, they...
They never liked me back.
Copy !req
581. My friend Mimi's mom dates boys
she meets on the computer.
Copy !req
582. I've heard of this. Yeah, I would do that.
Copy !req
583. It's just, I don't know
how to use a computer or a radar.
Copy !req
584. Or a robot or whatever.
Copy !req
585. Well, let's show her!
Copy !req
586. - Jack.
- No, no, no.
Copy !req
587. Sofie's the one who brought it up.
It's her. She did it.
Copy !req
588. I would do it. I mean, what the heck?
It's no biggie. Let's go for it.
Copy !req
589. I need a man.
Copy !req
590. So many to choose from.
Copy !req
591. Match.c: om
Copy !req
592. That's a good one.
Copy !req
593. EHarmony, I've heard of.
They have commercials.
Copy !req
594. MySoul-Mate.net.
Copy !req
595. I like that because I got a little soul.
Copy !req
596. Okay, so it says to press here to register
Copy !req
597. for your perfect soul mate.
Copy !req
598. Not like that.
Copy !req
599. No. Like this.
Copy !req
600. What are you, a computer whiz?
Copy !req
601. You would think he'd be the genius,
being from India.
Copy !req
602. Now, India's,
Copy !req
603. really amazing lately.
Copy !req
604. They're just leading the pack.
Copy !req
605. I read in Time magazine, they're number one.
China's number two.
Copy !req
606. - The Jews, we're back to number three.
- Okay.
Copy !req
607. Four is Germany,
so let's watch out, everyone.
Copy !req
608. All right, all right, listen,
you got to pick a username, Jill,
Copy !req
609. so just do that.
Copy !req
610. A username?
Copy !req
611. How about Manilow?
Copy !req
612. 'Cause he can use me anytime he wants to.
Copy !req
613. Just kidding.
I hope you didn't understand that.
Copy !req
614. It's a little risqué for your age.
Copy !req
615. Okay, now you load your profile picture
that Sofie took of you.
Copy !req
616. Can't wait to see this.
Copy !req
617. My picture is embarrassing. Put it up.
Copy !req
618. Is it too va-va-voomish?
Copy !req
619. No, it's very natural.
Copy !req
620. Maybe I should have gone
with peanut butter and jelly.
Copy !req
621. This... I like it, I like it.
Copy !req
622. Forget it. I'm committing to it. So, what?
Copy !req
623. If somebody likes me,
the little envelope thing will be blinking?
Copy !req
624. I just, I love this so much.
Copy !req
625. I crave this, family time.
Copy !req
626. It's why you have a family.
Copy !req
627. A ham this good
only comes once a generation.
Copy !req
628. Like me.
Copy !req
629. I give this ham four rings.
Copy !req
630. That's a hell of a
good ham right there.
Copy !req
631. Whose idea was the wig?
Copy !req
632. That was his choice.
Copy !req
633. I think it's great
that Shaq doesn't look like Shaq at all,
Copy !req
634. that he looks like Al Sharpton on HGH.
Copy !req
635. Turn the TV off.
Copy !req
636. So, how long does it take
Copy !req
637. to get a response
on one of those computer dating things?
Copy !req
638. I'm... I'm new to this.
Copy !req
639. I mean, it can take...
It can take a day, it can take a week.
Copy !req
640. You know what I mean?
For someone like her...
Copy !req
641. What was that? What was...
Why'd you say, "like her"?
Copy !req
642. Someone like her.
Like, in her 40s, still single.
Copy !req
643. You know what I mean? Incredibly homely.
Copy !req
644. Wow, you hate your job, don't you?
Copy !req
645. No. I only said that
'cause you said that one time.
Copy !req
646. I can say that 'cause I'm her twin.
Copy !req
647. Hey, Jack, Laker game tomorrow night.
Copy !req
648. We got to make that Pacino thing happen.
Copy !req
649. Every body's really nervous around here.
Copy !req
650. Yeah, I know, I know.
Copy !req
651. What's this about a twin?
Copy !req
652. Jack. He has a twin sister.
Copy !req
653. Are you kidding me?
You never told me you had a twin sister.
Copy !req
654. No, no, I mean, she's...
Copy !req
655. Identical or fraternal?
Copy !req
656. Nocturnal, like a bat.
Copy !req
657. Really?
Copy !req
658. I'll pack my stuff up, man.
Copy !req
659. How we doing in here?
Copy !req
660. Hey, what happened?
Copy !req
661. Aunt Jill checked to see
if any boys liked her.
Copy !req
662. The blinking thing never blinked.
Copy !req
663. That's awful.
Copy !req
664. If people could only see
how good she can open a pickle jar...
Copy !req
665. Yeah, I know. You're right.
Copy !req
666. Okay, see you guys...
Copy !req
667. Okay, where do I find desperate guys?
Copy !req
668. Twitter, Maxim,
Copy !req
669. Craigslist.
Copy !req
670. Yeah.
Copy !req
671. Casual Encounters.
Copy !req
672. All right, savages, get ready.
Copy !req
673. Anyone wanting to meet a nice...
Copy !req
674. No, I need someone immediately.
Copy !req
675. Not "nice."
Copy !req
676. Anyone wanting to meet
Copy !req
677. a sexy gymnast model...
Copy !req
678. No, I can't lie so much.
Copy !req
679. A hot...
Copy !req
680. Hi, Poopsie.
Copy !req
681. Yeah, "hot" works.
Copy !req
682. Crazy...
Copy !req
683. Hey!
Copy !req
684. Personal masseuse...
Copy !req
685. I pull really hard.
Copy !req
686. Watch your mother.
She's going to have relief.
Copy !req
687. What happened?
Is she sleeping or something?
Copy !req
688. .“Knockout
Copy !req
689. - One dollar.
- One dollar's the winner!
Copy !req
690. Good luck to you.
Copy !req
691. For the night of your life,
Copy !req
692. go to Manilow
Copy !req
693. at mySoul-Mate.net.
Copy !req
694. Man, I'm really throwing her to the wolves.
Copy !req
695. But it has to be done.
Copy !req
696. Wow.
Copy !req
697. We're not going to tell anyone about this,
are we?
Copy !req
698. Where were you?
Copy !req
699. I trust you can keep a secret, kid!
Copy !req
700. You guys!
Copy !req
701. You guys! Are you sitting down?
Copy !req
702. I got over 100 responses on the computer!
Copy !req
703. Look at Miss Popular, all of a sudden.
Copy !req
704. I mean, some of them are weirdoes,
but some of them are so nice!
Copy !req
705. I wrote one guy back,
and we're going out tonight! Oh, my God!
Copy !req
706. I love it!
Copy !req
707. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
708. Yeah.
Copy !req
709. I'm so scared.
I don't know what I'm going to wear.
Copy !req
710. - I'll help you. I'll help you.
- I'm freaking out.
Copy !req
711. I feel like Julia Roberts in that movie.
Copy !req
712. Pretty Woman.
Copy !req
713. No, no, no, the one where she's a hooker.
Copy !req
714. What's the name of that one?
Copy !req
715. - Pretty Woman?
- No, no, no!
Copy !req
716. Why are you saying that? No, the other one.
Copy !req
717. What's the matter with you?
Copy !req
718. What's she going to wear?
Copy !req
719. What are you going to wear, Daddy?
Copy !req
720. In Hell.
Copy !req
721. Shut up.
Copy !req
722. This is like waiting for the queen.
Copy !req
723. Yeah, yeah.
Well, let's see what's taking her so long.
Copy !req
724. Go up there, speed her along.
Come on, go, go, go.
Copy !req
725. I'm answering it!
Copy !req
726. - Funbucket's here!
- Funbucket?
Copy !req
727. Oh, tell him I'm not ready!
Copy !req
728. - Tell him I'm not home!
- She'll be right down.
Copy !req
729. No! No, it won't zip! It won't zip!
Copy !req
730. - Hey.
- Hey.
Copy !req
731. Are you Funbucket?
Copy !req
732. Yeah, that's me.
Copy !req
733. You don't look like a Funbucket.
Copy !req
734. I was picturing someone more fun
or buckety.
Copy !req
735. You're not the crazy,
hot masseuse, are you?
Copy !req
736. I want you to tell me right up front,
Copy !req
737. 'cause if you are, I'm
not paying for dinner.
Copy !req
738. Come here.
Copy !req
739. If you mention Craigslist to her
or do anything
Copy !req
740. that hurts her, I will stick my foot...
Copy !req
741. Funbucket?
Copy !req
742. Manilow?
Copy !req
743. So, yeah, you know what?
I'll be up-front with you.
Copy !req
744. I live in the Bronx
and I don't have any children.
Copy !req
745. In all honesty, the clock's ticking,
Copy !req
746. so if dinner works,
we got to get to work. I'm kidding you.
Copy !req
747. I just said that
'cause I'm very nervous right now
Copy !req
748. and I just keep talking so much.
Copy !req
749. My mouth is moving.
I don't even realize how much it's moving.
Copy !req
750. It's... I'm not even feeling it.
It's cottony.
Copy !req
751. So, is this your first date
on mySoul-Mate.net?
Copy !req
752. Yes.
Copy !req
753. Assuming it's really happening
and not some sort of terrifying nightmare.
Copy !req
754. I know. What do you do for a living?
Copy !req
755. Don't tell me. I don't want...
Copy !req
756. I want to play 20 Questions.
Remember that game?
Copy !req
757. When we were little? 20 Questions?
Copy !req
758. Okay, first question. Animal, mineral...
Copy !req
759. - I'm going to go to the bathroom.
- Okay.
Copy !req
760. See you.
Copy !req
761. Should I take away your salads?
Copy !req
762. I think he's just waiting
for his to cool off.
Copy !req
763. So, we'll just... Just a few more minutes.
Copy !req
764. Thank you.
Copy !req
765. Hello? Hello?
Copy !req
766. Funbucket? Funbucket?
Copy !req
767. Hello?
Copy !req
768. He must have gone out to get some air.
Copy !req
769. Good job.
Copy !req
770. You're alive!
Copy !req
771. How did it go?
Copy !req
772. It was... It was fine.
Copy !req
773. He didn't try anything funny
with you, did he?
Copy !req
774. No, no.
Copy !req
775. Does he want to go out again?
Copy !req
776. - Is he your prince?
- Are you his princess?
Copy !req
777. Did he ask for your number?
Copy !req
778. Did he kiss you good night?
Copy !req
779. Will you kids stop it already?
Copy !req
780. It was just a date!
Copy !req
781. Why do you put so much pressure on me?
Copy !req
782. Why are there so many stairs?
Copy !req
783. I miss your old chandelier!
Copy !req
784. No one's ever going to love me!
Copy !req
785. I'm a loser!
Copy !req
786. Oh, my God, I'm an idiot.
Copy !req
787. Why?
Copy !req
788. Why are you an idiot?
Copy !req
789. Busted, disgusted, never to be trusted.
Copy !req
790. Hi, Jill.
Copy !req
791. It's okay, it's...
Copy !req
792. We've all had bad dates.
Copy !req
793. Whatever. He was such a...
Copy !req
794. I thought he was cool for a second.
Copy !req
795. Jack feels like you deserve to go out
with a guy who treats you right.
Copy !req
796. So guess who is taking you
to the Lakers game tomorrow night.
Copy !req
797. Hairfingers23 from the computer?
Copy !req
798. No, actually, I'm your date.
Copy !req
799. I love that, Pagogo!
Copy !req
800. Ook maga do do!
Copy !req
801. That sounds great.
Copy !req
802. Finally some twin time.
Copy !req
803. Oh, pali wali, zoom gali gali.
Copy !req
804. That means,
"I want to choke on my own vomit."
Copy !req
805. Does it? I... I'm a little rusty.
I don't remember everything.
Copy !req
806. Oh, my God, look at these guys.
They're huge.
Copy !req
807. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- They're too big.
Copy !req
808. - It's freaky.
- Will you stop?
Copy !req
809. - It's weird.
- Stop it.
Copy !req
810. - No, it's... Where do they buy pants?
- Just please keep walking. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
811. It's like nuclear-power-plant big.
That's... That's big.
Copy !req
812. John, we're so close here.
Copy !req
813. - Hey.
- You got us in the game.
Copy !req
814. What's...
Copy !req
815. What's going on with the beard, man?
Copy !req
816. I'm doing research.
I don't want to be recognized, okay?
Copy !req
817. - Who is that?
- Hey, Jill, don't go nuts,
Copy !req
818. but I'm gonna try and talk to Al Pacino.
Copy !req
819. It's Pacino!
Copy !req
820. Al Pacino, the movie actor?
Copy !req
821. Yes, yes, stay calm.
Copy !req
822. What do you think people are thinking here,
that I'm sitting with my rabbi?
Copy !req
823. Hey, guys, big game tonight.
Copy !req
824. - Yeah.
- How you doing, Johnny?
Copy !req
825. - How are you?
- Huge fan.
Copy !req
826. - Good to see you. Thank you.
- And, Mr. Pacino,
Copy !req
827. I actually met you one time
at a movie premiere.
Copy !req
828. He's thirsty.
Copy !req
829. Okay.
Copy !req
830. It was Cats & Dogs 3,
and we were sitting in the same row.
Copy !req
831. One of your kids knocked over your popcorn,
and I gave you mine.
Copy !req
832. And you called me "Popcorn"
the rest of the night.
Copy !req
833. - Popcorn.
- Yes.
Copy !req
834. Yeah, nice to see you again.
Copy !req
835. Hey, what's with the beard?
Copy !req
836. You look a little like Bin Laden.
Copy !req
837. - I was kind of thinking Castro, myself.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
838. No, no, it's like the cough drops guy,
the Smith Brothers.
Copy !req
839. Who is that? Is that your wife?
Copy !req
840. No, no, no, that's my sister Jill.
She's in from the Bronx.
Copy !req
841. - Hey, Al, do you think you'd ever...
- Dulcinea.
Copy !req
842. What's that?
Copy !req
843. You're from the Bronx?
Copy !req
844. Yeah, born and bred.
Throggs Neck, the nice part.
Copy !req
845. Al, I got a question for you,
Copy !req
846. - and I know it's a long shot.
- Well, I'm from the Bronx.
Copy !req
847. - Okay.
- Did you know that?
Copy !req
848. Yeah, to be honest,
I don't know much about you.
Copy !req
849. I haven't seen a lot of your movies,
but I hear you're very serious.
Copy !req
850. - Well, you know...
- Okay.
Copy !req
851. Hey, is Ryan Seacrest here?
Have you seen him? Do you know him?
Copy !req
852. I'm sorry, who-crest?
Copy !req
853. Al, would you ever consider doing a...
Copy !req
854. Who is your friend? Was he in Duran Duran?
Were you in Duran Duran?
Copy !req
855. Yes. Yes, I was.
Copy !req
856. So, tell me,
how long are you gonna be in L.A.?
Copy !req
857. - Oh, my God. Is that John Stamos?
- Who?
Copy !req
858. Pagogo, Pagogo,
let's go before he gets away!
Copy !req
859. I want to see him up close! Please!
Copy !req
860. So, Al, I'm gonna get a hold
of your agent, if that's cool.
Copy !req
861. Time to play ball.
Copy !req
862. When's the marching band come out?
Copy !req
863. - That's not going to happen.
- No?
Copy !req
864. Here we go. Here we go.
Copy !req
865. Kobe Bryant!
Copy !req
866. Compliments of Mr. Pacino.
Copy !req
867. What's this?
Copy !req
868. I can't believe this.
Copy !req
869. This is insane, man!
Copy !req
870. - You got to call him!
- Cool your buns.
Copy !req
871. You know I'm still hurting
from the whole Funbucket fiasco.
Copy !req
872. No, but Pacino liked you!
I swear to God, he really liked you!
Copy !req
873. Will you stop already?
Copy !req
874. You know all he wants to do
is play Twister with your sister.
Copy !req
875. Jill, will you just do this for me?
Copy !req
876. You know, maybe I'll be ready
to date again in a few weeks.
Copy !req
877. We'll sit and talk about it on New Year's.
Copy !req
878. New Year's?
Copy !req
879. But you're not gonna be here on New Year's,
'cause that's after our birthday.
Copy !req
880. Which is when you're leaving.
Copy !req
881. Yeah. I guess so.
Copy !req
882. So, if New Year's comes up,
Copy !req
883. just tell Jill that one more passenger
on the cruise ship, it'll sink.
Copy !req
884. I'm not telling her that.
Copy !req
885. Tell her... You got to tell her something.
I'm not having her come to Europe.
Copy !req
886. It's the kids' first trip.
Copy !req
887. Hey, how are we doing in here?
Copy !req
888. It's 6132.
Copy !req
889. Forty-three years ago
at this very time, you were born.
Copy !req
890. Happy birthday, Number One.
Copy !req
891. - Okay, thank you.
- Happy birthday, you guys.
Copy !req
892. - Okay.
- No, no, no, not yet, not yet!
Copy !req
893. I wasn't born yet. I'm 6:33.
Copy !req
894. - I'm still 42, Erin.
- God.
Copy !req
895. So how does it feel, old man?
Getting rickety in the bones?
Copy !req
896. I'm so bummed that you're leaving tomorrow.
I'm going to miss you.
Copy !req
897. Yeah. God.
Copy !req
898. I'm going to miss...
I'm going to miss you guys, too.
Copy !req
899. Especially on New Year's.
Copy !req
900. Get the violins going, yeah.
Copy !req
901. It's just, every year,
I'd go with Mom to Valentino's.
Copy !req
902. It's the restaurant, Erin,
where my mother met my father.
Copy !req
903. I knew that was going to be big.
Copy !req
904. Don't throw it out.
We can make a birthday candle with it.
Copy !req
905. Hey, we're only 40 minutes late, guys.
Copy !req
906. I hope they sing Happy
Birthday to us.
Copy !req
907. Yeah, I hope we still have
our table there, Slick.
Copy !req
908. Why is it so dark in here?
Are we going to get killed or something?
Copy !req
909. Surprise!
Copy !req
910. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
911. Jack, we got you.
Copy !req
912. You are having a party for us?
Copy !req
913. Coolness!
Copy !req
914. Every body's here.
Copy !req
915. And I just had to meet your twin sister.
Copy !req
916. Very nice to see you.
Copy !req
917. I mean, you guys really do look alike.
Copy !req
918. I say that all the time. He says no.
Copy !req
919. Jill, I want to introduce you around.
Copy !req
920. This is going to be a bad night.
Copy !req
921. This is going to be an awful, awful night.
Copy !req
922. Really, it's fascinating.
So, how does it work, Mr. Subway Sandwich?
Copy !req
923. Just, well, just tell me more.
Copy !req
924. Just Jared's fine.
Copy !req
925. Call you Jared? Okay, sure.
Copy !req
926. It's just, 10 sandwiches a day.
Copy !req
927. To me, that seems too much,
almost like a job. I couldn't do that.
Copy !req
928. - I don't eat that many.
- No?
Copy !req
929. Okay, okay, here's the situation.
Copy !req
930. You're here, there's not a Subway in sight.
Copy !req
931. You're at a steakhouse like this.
What do you eat? What do you eat?
Copy !req
932. - I eat other things.
- You do?
Copy !req
933. You do? I knew you were cheating.
That's why there's so much goo left on you.
Copy !req
934. - What?
- I miss the old Jared,
Copy !req
935. the 400-pound Jared that scared us.
Copy !req
936. I don't miss that one at all.
Copy !req
937. Well, I'm sure you don't.
But if he was around, he'd be with me
Copy !req
938. and not with the two hookers.
Copy !req
939. Well, yeah, we love musicals.
You know what?
Copy !req
940. You're the Sham-Wow man, right?
Copy !req
941. - Yeah.
- Funny story.
Copy !req
942. - Jack used to be a bed-wetter.
- No!
Copy !req
943. He could have used one
of these Sham-Wow things
Copy !req
944. 20 years ago for his pee puddles.
Copy !req
945. There's Mr. Yellow Sheets!
Copy !req
946. Where you going, Puddles?
Copy !req
947. All right, nice to meet you all.
Copy !req
948. Am I crazy or is she hot?
Copy !req
949. You're crazy.
Copy !req
950. It's Jack with boobs.
Copy !req
951. Jack with boobs. That's right.
Copy !req
952. There he is!
Copy !req
953. Dude, did you set this whole thing up?
Copy !req
954. Yeah, we got through it, man.
It came out pretty dope, I think.
Copy !req
955. It's amazing. Hey, Jill.
Copy !req
956. I'm sorry to interrupt.
Come here for a sec.
Copy !req
957. Okay, nice to see you. What's going on?
Copy !req
958. Did I ever tell you Todd is an atheist?
Copy !req
959. - A what?
- God.
Copy !req
960. Have a great time, guys.
Copy !req
961. No. How could there be a Grand Canyon
Copy !req
962. if God didn't exist?
Copy !req
963. Right. That's a very good point.
I'm just saying, you know, maybe...
Copy !req
964. Maybe God wouldn't have given you
a rat face if you believed in him.
Copy !req
965. I don't have a rat face.
Copy !req
966. Yes, you do have a rat face! It's scary.
Copy !req
967. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
Copy !req
968. - This guy doesn't believe in God?
- No!
Copy !req
969. No, no, I'm just saying
that there's not real proof.
Copy !req
970. Idiots like you really make me mad!
Copy !req
971. - Fight! Fight!
- Fight him!
Copy !req
972. Fight! Fight! Fight!
Copy !req
973. Because I'm about to US Open your skull!
Copy !req
974. Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Copy !req
975. Happy birthday to you
Copy !req
976. Happy birthday to you
Copy !req
977. Happy birthday, dear Jack...
Copy !req
978. And Jill
Copy !req
979. Happy birthday to you
Copy !req
980. Come on, make a wish, you twins.
Copy !req
981. - Okay, let's do it.
- Where's the other cake?
Copy !req
982. - There's not enough candles for both of us.
- All right, Jill.
Copy !req
983. One cake's enough. Make the wish.
Copy !req
984. Mom and Dad always got us two cakes.
Copy !req
985. Made us both feel special.
Copy !req
986. I don't think Mom and Dad would like this.
Copy !req
987. Make the wish already! I'm hungry!
Copy !req
988. Will you stop already?
Blow out the candles.
Copy !req
989. Whoa!
Copy !req
990. Funny meeting you here.
Copy !req
991. Don't be startled. It's only me.
Copy !req
992. It's always the same thing.
Copy !req
993. It's L.A.
Copy !req
994. I never know where I am.
It's a wilderness here.
Copy !req
995. I mean, in the Bronx,
Copy !req
996. you got the streets, you got the numbers.
Copy !req
997. YOU go'[ 187th, 188th.
Copy !req
998. - Yeah, right, in order.
- It follows in sequence.
Copy !req
999. Here, you got the palm trees,
and they all look alike.
Copy !req
1000. I have no idea where we are.
Copy !req
1001. - You really don't?
- I don't.
Copy !req
1002. Lucky... Lucky for us, I
got the panic button.
Copy !req
1003. You have a panic button?
Copy !req
1004. Yeah, and we'll soon find out
where we are, huh?
Copy !req
1005. - There we go.
- That's a house.
Copy !req
1006. That's not a bakery.
Copy !req
1007. Whether we go in a bakery, a house,
what difference does it make?
Copy !req
1008. It makes a difference!
Copy !req
1009. - What do you mean?
- There's a bakery in the house.
Copy !req
1010. - Get out of town!
- Come on.
Copy !req
1011. I'm not going to your house.
Copy !req
1012. I want to see a birthday cake soon
Copy !req
1013. or I'm taking pepper spray out.
I'm not kidding.
Copy !req
1014. O ye of little faith.
Copy !req
1015. What is that, a Shakespeare?
Copy !req
1016. No, that was Jesus.
Copy !req
1017. Okay, birthday girl.
Copy !req
1018. - Oh, my God.
- Here it is.
Copy !req
1019. You name it,
Copy !req
1020. Xavier, my guy, will bake it.
Copy !req
1021. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1022. - Look, I made her happy.
- I love this!
Copy !req
1023. I made you happy...
Copy !req
1024. Nutcracker.
Copy !req
1025. No. That? That's Man of La Mancha.
Copy !req
1026. They offered me the part
of Don Quixote on Broadway.
Copy !req
1027. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1028. But, you know, I'm just, I'm not there yet,
Copy !req
1029. so I'm mulling it over, you know?
Copy !req
1030. I love that. That's where
the man's in the tower ringing the bell?
Copy !req
1031. That's Quasimodo.
That's Hunchback of Notre-Dame.
Copy !req
1032. See, this is Don Quixote.
Copy !req
1033. Don Quixote meets this fallen woman
Copy !req
1034. who he thinks is his lost love Dulcinea.
Copy !req
1035. Right. And he can't straighten his back,
Copy !req
1036. so he keeps ringing the bell.
Copy !req
1037. And he has a sidekick. It was a mouse.
Copy !req
1038. Okay, moving on.
Copy !req
1039. Listen, Bronx,
I got a birthday surprise for you.
Copy !req
1040. - Another one?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1041. It's my
Copy !req
1042. original stickball stick.
Copy !req
1043. - Come with me a second.
- Let me just eat some cake.
Copy !req
1044. - This is so good.
- Leave it. You've been eating enough.
Copy !req
1045. - We really have to stop now?
- Xavier!
Copy !req
1046. - Nice.
- He's going to throw the ball,
Copy !req
1047. and you are going to take this stick
with two hands, right?
Copy !req
1048. And you're going to hit it.
Copy !req
1049. Do I have to play this weird game?
Copy !req
1050. It's not weird. Jill, it's in you.
Copy !req
1051. It's in your DNA. Just think Bronx.
Copy !req
1052. Let it just float.
Copy !req
1053. Okay, okay, Okay...
Copy !req
1054. Can you do me a favor
and not hold me like this?
Copy !req
1055. All right. I'm just trying to show you.
Copy !req
1056. Okay, all you got to do is
make contact, that's all.
Copy !req
1057. I feel like this is your game
and it's not my game.
Copy !req
1058. If you want to play my game,
Hungry Hungry Hippos, Sabaday.
Copy !req
1059. - Do you have that here?
- That's coming.
Copy !req
1060. Goobledy gibble globbity!
Copy !req
1061. What language are you speaking?
Copy !req
1062. Just throw it.
Copy !req
1063. Okay. Come on, no batter here, pitcher!
No batter!
Copy !req
1064. I just don't know why we're doing this.
Copy !req
1065. Whoa!
Copy !req
1066. Ch, my God! Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1067. I am so sorry!
Copy !req
1068. I'm sure you have others, though.
Copy !req
1069. You'd think it, but oddly enough, I don't.
Copy !req
1070. But I have you.
Copy !req
1071. - You don't have me. I...
- I'd rather have you.
Copy !req
1072. I'm sorry. I'm going to go.
Copy !req
1073. I just... I had fun, but I'm so tired.
Copy !req
1074. It's 8:30 in the morning, my time.
Copy !req
1075. Do you know what time it is for me?
Copy !req
1076. It is time for my salvation.
Copy !req
1077. Because finally, I found the one woman,
Copy !req
1078. with all her rough-hewn charm,
Copy !req
1079. who will lead me back
Copy !req
1080. to sanity.
Copy !req
1081. You're sick.
Copy !req
1082. You're a sweetie.
Copy !req
1083. I saw what you were doing with the stick,
and it was gross.
Copy !req
1084. - Thank you, Sabaday.
- Wait a minute,
Copy !req
1085. where do you think you're going?
Copy !req
1086. I'm not your wham-bam-eggs-and-ham type.
Copy !req
1087. But you don't have a car.
Copy !req
1088. Why are you ignoring me?
Copy !req
1089. What happened to me?
Copy !req
1090. What's this?
Copy !req
1091. Help me!
Copy !req
1092. Where were you?
Copy !req
1093. What do you mean?
Copy !req
1094. I was here, bird.
Copy !req
1095. Felipe.
Copy !req
1096. Miss Jill? What you doing out here?
Copy !req
1097. I stayed out here
because I didn't want to go in the house.
Copy !req
1098. And Erin tried to make me come back in
and I wouldn't.
Copy !req
1099. He yelled at me 'cause
I rejected Al Pacino.
Copy !req
1100. Well, if you need something to do,
I'm just fixing the timer
Copy !req
1101. and heading off to a big family picnic.
Copy !req
1102. We play soccer, eat,
Copy !req
1103. steal white people's wallets...
Copy !req
1104. What did you say?
Copy !req
1105. I'm kidding! I'm kidding!
Copy !req
1106. We don't eat.
Copy !req
1107. Stop it. Why won't you help me?
Copy !req
1108. What are you doing? Put Poopsie down!
Copy !req
1109. It flew in my bread.
Copy !req
1110. Hey, Rosa!
Copy !req
1111. This is my friend, Jill.
Copy !req
1112. - Hi.
- That's my father,
Copy !req
1113. my mama, my brother Juan,
my other brother Juan,
Copy !req
1114. Juan Jr.,
Copy !req
1115. my sister Juanita, my grandma Juangelina,
Copy !req
1116. and that... I'm kidding!
Copy !req
1117. I was going to say, that's a lot of Juans!
Copy !req
1118. We're not all named Juan.
Copy !req
1119. Hey, niños! Look, these are my kids.
Copy !req
1120. José, José Jr. Y Josefina
Copy !req
1121. They are beautiful. Hi. Hi.
Copy !req
1122. They all look like my wife, thank God.
Copy !req
1123. Your wife? I need to meet her.
Where is she?
Copy !req
1124. Well, she passed away four years ago.
Copy !req
1125. I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
1126. - I lost my mother recently.
- No, that's all right.
Copy !req
1127. I love talking about my wife.
Copy !req
1128. And I know she's up there
Copy !req
1129. sneaking into Heaven right now.
Copy !req
1130. It's a joke! It's a joke!
Copy !req
1131. Your father's bad.
Copy !req
1132. He's bad! He's very bad!
Copy !req
1133. Ready for the best Mexican food
you ever had?
Copy !req
1134. - I never had Mexican food.
- What?
Copy !req
1135. I'm sorry. It's not my fault.
They don't serve it at my deli.
Copy !req
1136. - Well, today is your lucky day.
- Okay.
Copy !req
1137. - Taste.
- Cool.
Copy !req
1138. Wow!
Copy !req
1139. That's chile relleno.
Copy !req
1140. It looks like a knish.
Copy !req
1141. Never had Mexican food.
Copy !req
1142. It's very, very good.
Copy !req
1143. I'm kidding. Are you okay?
Copy !req
1144. - Yeah, I'm fine.
- Heads up.
Copy !req
1145. What is this thing?
Copy !req
1146. No, no, no, no, no, no!
Copy !req
1147. It's too hot. Just like you.
Copy !req
1148. Felipe, easy.
Copy !req
1149. Come on, Jill!
Copy !req
1150. Come on!
Copy !req
1151. Get Jill out there!
Copy !req
1152. Come on, Jill, run!
Copy !req
1153. Run!
Copy !req
1154. Jalapeños. Jalapeños.
Copy !req
1155. Okay, this is yours.
Copy !req
1156. What happened?
Copy !req
1157. - Jalapeños! Jalapeños!
- Jalapeños?
Copy !req
1158. Did I get it?
Copy !req
1159. Jalapeños.
Copy !req
1160. Go! Run!
Copy !req
1161. Shoot that! Shoot that!
Copy !req
1162. Goal!
Copy !req
1163. Whoa!
Copy !req
1164. It's not a guy.
Copy !req
1165. Felipe, I love it!
Copy !req
1166. Hey, hey, hey...
Copy !req
1167. Hey, Mr. Popcorn.
Copy !req
1168. Is that Al Pacino?
Are you kidding me? How you doing?
Copy !req
1169. Listen, I got a little something here
for Ms. Sadelstein.
Copy !req
1170. My God, she's not here right now.
Copy !req
1171. That's our loss, isn't it?
Copy !req
1172. Have you any idea
when she might be coming home?
Copy !req
1173. Hopefully soon.
Copy !req
1174. You know what, I hope so.
I'm waiting on her, too.
Copy !req
1175. And I wanted to tell you, Al,
Copy !req
1176. if she wasn't receptive the other night...
Copy !req
1177. - Oh, my God!
- I know she's in here, Popcorn.
Copy !req
1178. - How'd you get over the fence?
- Jill, come on!
Copy !req
1179. You want me to get you
something to eat or...
Copy !req
1180. All I want to do is make you happy!
Copy !req
1181. I want to see you.
I want to know that you exist.
Copy !req
1182. That I'm not just imagining you!
Copy !req
1183. Al, she really isn't here. For real.
Copy !req
1184. - This it?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1185. She sleeps here?
Copy !req
1186. She does. She sleeps there.
Copy !req
1187. God, sorry you have to see that.
Copy !req
1188. She sleeps with someone?
Copy !req
1189. No, no, no, no, that's a bird.
Copy !req
1190. That's not a human. No problems.
Copy !req
1191. Look at this.
Copy !req
1192. - Isn't that something?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1193. How does this happen?
Copy !req
1194. Al, I wouldn't lay there.
Copy !req
1195. That's not...
Copy !req
1196. She leaves an after-scent.
Copy !req
1197. Hey, Popcorn, you know,
Copy !req
1198. you're not really giving me
any confidence here.
Copy !req
1199. - About what?
- Where is she?
Copy !req
1200. - Al, I don't know where...
- Where you hiding her?
Copy !req
1201. She's coming back,
she just is not here right...
Copy !req
1202. Hey, Jill!
Copy !req
1203. Lot of places to hide. Hey, Jill!
Copy !req
1204. Al, she's coming back, I swear to you.
Copy !req
1205. - She got an 8:00 flight tonight, so I promise.
- What?
Copy !req
1206. She's leaving?
Copy !req
1207. Come here.
Copy !req
1208. - Come to you?
- Yeah, come, come. We gotta talk.
Copy !req
1209. Yeah.
Copy !req
1210. You want to turn my name into
Copy !req
1211. some coffee-drink
chocolate-doughnut thing?
Copy !req
1212. Well, yeah. Tastefully, though. I think...
Copy !req
1213. Then you get me the girl.
Copy !req
1214. Get you the girl?
Copy !req
1215. Get me the girl.
Copy !req
1216. "Get" is a strong word.
'Cause this is my sister we're talking about.
Copy !req
1217. You don't understand!
Copy !req
1218. - Well, I want to understand.
- You don't understand!
Copy !req
1219. Go ahead, go ahead.
Tell me what I need to know.
Copy !req
1220. - Your sister and I...
- Yeah?
Copy !req
1221. We grew up on the same streets.
Copy !req
1222. We breathed the same Bronx air.
Copy !req
1223. - Yes, yes, yes.
- When I look at her, I see me.
Copy !req
1224. When I look at her, I see me, too. Just...
Copy !req
1225. I know what you mean.
Copy !req
1226. I see what I was.
Copy !req
1227. I'm lost, Popcorn.
Copy !req
1228. I am.
Copy !req
1229. I go visit my kids,
Copy !req
1230. I can't find them.
Copy !req
1231. I end up talking to lemon trees.
Copy !req
1232. You know what? I'm lost now. What does...
Copy !req
1233. - Jill...
- Yes?
Copy !req
1234. Is going to get me there.
Copy !req
1235. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
1236. I just want a shot.
Copy !req
1237. - You understand?
- Let's get you a shot.
Copy !req
1238. - Right.
- Only way to get you a shot
Copy !req
1239. is to have my sister stay
even longer out here,
Copy !req
1240. which is amazing news for me.
Copy !req
1241. It's so warm to be the holiday season.
Copy !req
1242. But thank you.
I really had an amazing time.
Copy !req
1243. Too bad you're taking off tonight.
Copy !req
1244. L... Well, I have to. He's abusive to me.
Copy !req
1245. Not physically,
'cause I would hurt him, but mentally.
Copy !req
1246. - And, it's time to go.
- I know.
Copy !req
1247. Maybe next time you're...
Copy !req
1248. Maybe next time you're here, if you ever...
Copy !req
1249. Yes? That's... What? If I ever what?
Copy !req
1250. Well, maybe next time you're here, if...
Copy !req
1251. Your engine... Your engine seems to be...
Copy !req
1252. - It's a diesel truck, I'm guessing, right?
- No.
Copy !req
1253. If you ever want to see a movie
or something...
Copy !req
1254. Oh, my God. Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, just hold the thought.
Copy !req
1255. I have... I have to go!
Copy !req
1256. - I have to really go!
- What did I say?
Copy !req
1257. No, it's not you, it's the chimichangas!
Copy !req
1258. They're making a run for the border!
Copy !req
1259. You're throwing chimichanga bombs?
Copy !req
1260. Oh! Oh, God!
Copy !req
1261. Jill, where were you?
Copy !req
1262. She's not talking to us still, I guess.
Copy !req
1263. I am not talking to you!
Lam talking to Erin!
Copy !req
1264. Erin, I got to go make
some chocolate squirties!
Copy !req
1265. Oh, God!
Copy !req
1266. Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!
Please get there. Yes.
Copy !req
1267. Hey, Jill, can I talk to you for a second?
Copy !req
1268. No! My bags are packed
and there's nothing left to...
Copy !req
1269. say.
Copy !req
1270. I spent the day at Felipe's picnic,
where I finally felt welcome.
Copy !req
1271. BY everybody.
Copy !req
1272. I tried this new food for
the very first time.
Copy !req
1273. I'm guessing Mexican?
Copy !req
1274. Yes, Mexican, Mr. Food Detective!
Copy !req
1275. And Felipe treated me like a...
Copy !req
1276. What, is Evel Knievel
doing wheelies in there?
Copy !req
1277. Hey, so I just wanted to talk to you
about last night and everything, and...
Copy !req
1278. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1279. Wow, I...
Copy !req
1280. I was thinking about last night
Copy !req
1281. and all that stuff you were saying, and...
Copy !req
1282. Are you hot or something?
Copy !req
1283. I just have to...
Copy !req
1284. God Almighty!
Copy !req
1285. I would love for you to
stay a few extra days.
Copy !req
1286. No, I'm going home.
Copy !req
1287. I already told them
to turn my electricity back on.
Copy !req
1288. You can't be alone on...
Copy !req
1289. You can't be alone on New Year's.
Copy !req
1290. Come on, that's just not right.
Copy !req
1291. You want me to stay that long?
Copy !req
1292. I thought you were going
on your big cruise.
Copy !req
1293. Jill, I want you to come
Copy !req
1294. on the cruise with us.
Copy !req
1295. Pagogo, I can't believe it.
Of course I'll come with you.
Copy !req
1296. Thank you!
Yes! I mean, of... You want... Yes!
Copy !req
1297. Yes! Oh, my G()d!
Copy !req
1298. Poopsie, Poopsie,
we're cruising through Europe!
Copy !req
1299. Welcome to Royal Caribbean International.
Copy !req
1300. Poopsie, we're not in the Bronx any more.
Copy !req
1301. This boat has everything! Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1302. - Hello?
- What took you so long to pick up?
Copy !req
1303. Jack, Pacino's called here three times.
Copy !req
1304. What do you want me to
tell the Dunkin' Donuts people, all right?
Copy !req
1305. We got five days, Jack,
to get Scarface or they move on.
Copy !req
1306. I know, I know.
Copy !req
1307. Oh, my God! There's a pool on a boat?
Copy !req
1308. Do you want me
to get Al Pacino on the phone now?
Copy !req
1309. Tell Pacino I'll call him
tonight at 5:30, okay?
Copy !req
1310. - And just one more thing.
- Yeah, what?
Copy !req
1311. God told me your feet were on my desk,
so get them off!
Copy !req
1312. All you can eat.
Copy !req
1313. Go for it, Poopsie.
Copy !req
1314. Have a chocolate bath.
Copy !req
1315. Where were you?
Copy !req
1316. All right, it's 5:30.
Copy !req
1317. - I got to make a call.
- To who?
Copy !req
1318. I got one last business call to make and
then that's it for me. I love you. Be back.
Copy !req
1319. Amongst this princely heap, if any here,
Copy !req
1320. by false intelligence...
Copy !req
1321. Hold me a foe
Copy !req
1322. if I unwittingly
Copy !req
1323. or in my rage,
committed aught that is hardly borne
Copy !req
1324. by any in this princely presence,
I do reconcile
Copy !req
1325. myself to his friendly peace.
Copy !req
1326. 'Tis death to me to be at enmity,
Copy !req
1327. and desire all good men's love.
Copy !req
1328. Where were you, Popcorn?
Copy !req
1329. What do you mean? It's 5:30.
Copy !req
1330. No, no, it's 9:30 my time.
I was waiting for you at 5:30.
Copy !req
1331. It's four hours the other way.
Copy !req
1332. I just... I got confused. I...
Copy !req
1333. Okay, whatever, whatever, whatever.
Copy !req
1334. What's going on? How's she doing?
Copy !req
1335. We're... We're... We're coming along.
That's how we're doing.
Copy !req
1336. Coming along?
What does that mean, "coming along"?
Copy !req
1337. - What does that mean?
- Come on, wrap it up!
Copy !req
1338. It means we're getting there.
We just need a little more time.
Copy !req
1339. Put her on the phone.
I want to hear her voice.
Copy !req
1340. She's not here right now.
Copy !req
1341. This reminds me of that boat movie
with Leonardo.
Copy !req
1342. - Titanic?
- No, the one with the iceberg.
Copy !req
1343. - Who is that?
- That was Poopsie.
Copy !req
1344. Why won't you let me talk...
Copy !req
1345. Hey, can you...
You got to be quiet. I can't hear him!
Copy !req
1346. All right? Please. Please!
Copy !req
1347. Yeah, listen, you get me this girl,
Copy !req
1348. or you don't get that
Dunkaccino commercial, you understand?
Copy !req
1349. Don't you know me?
Copy !req
1350. Don't you know I would use all my power,
Copy !req
1351. all the power I have,
Copy !req
1352. to keep a commercial like that
from happening?
Copy !req
1353. Don't you know that?
Copy !req
1354. Is he seriously breaking out The Godfather?
Copy !req
1355. I swear to God, I'm going to cry.
Copy !req
1356. Put her on!
Copy !req
1357. Put her on!
Copy !req
1358. Pacino!
Copy !req
1359. Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right.
Hang on for a second. I'll put her on.
Copy !req
1360. Hello?
Copy !req
1361. Jill, my darling, just to hear your voice.
Copy !req
1362. What are they doing?
Why are they trying to keep us apart?
Copy !req
1363. Nobody's keeping me apart from anybody.
Copy !req
1364. I'm my own person. You remember that.
Copy !req
1365. I know you're your own person.
Copy !req
1366. Nobody's like you.
Copy !req
1367. Would you like a little privacy?
I could finish up for you.
Copy !req
1368. No, no, it's okay. It's okay.
Copy !req
1369. Nobody wants to see you.
Copy !req
1370. But thanks, anyway.
Copy !req
1371. Jill,
Copy !req
1372. can you meet me when you dock in Spain?
Copy !req
1373. But what about your Shakespeare show?
Copy !req
1374. Don't you have that to do?
Copy !req
1375. You kidding? This is L.A.
Copy !req
1376. They got Bruce Jenner playing Lord Rivers.
Copy !req
1377. Yeah, I don't think so.
Copy !req
1378. Darling, put your brother on.
Copy !req
1379. Okay. Here he is.
Copy !req
1380. Hello. Jack's back.
Copy !req
1381. Popcorn, we did it! We did it!
Copy !req
1382. I'm coming, I'm coming to get her!
Copy !req
1383. You're coming to get her?
She just said, "I don't think so," I thought
Copy !req
1384. I can smell horny across an ocean.
Copy !req
1385. Here's how it's going to go down.
Copy !req
1386. 9:00 p.m. tomorrow, top deck, portside.
Copy !req
1387. I'll be there.
Copy !req
1388. Audience, could you tell me where I was?
Copy !req
1389. But he, poor soul
Copy !req
1390. But he, poor soul
Copy !req
1391. by your first order died.
Copy !req
1392. Good afternoon, passengers.
Copy !req
1393. Hope you all are enjoying
our Royal Caribbean activities.
Copy !req
1394. And for those of you
going ashore later,
Copy !req
1395. we will be arriving
in beautiful Majorca by sunset.
Copy !req
1396. Come on, sweetie. Go!
Copy !req
1397. Jump! Jump!
Copy !req
1398. No, no, she's good.
Copy !req
1399. Pagogo, why don't these guys know
how to jump rope?
Copy !req
1400. Why didn't you teach them?
Copy !req
1401. We were the double dutch kings
in our neighborhood,
Copy !req
1402. and these guys can't do a single wing-ding.
Copy !req
1403. Daddy, you know how to jump rope?
Copy !req
1404. No, I don't know how to jump rope.
Copy !req
1405. Your father likes to pretend
his life started in California.
Copy !req
1406. We were champs.
Everyone loved us in the neighborhood.
Copy !req
1407. Come on, Daddy, please.
Copy !req
1408. - No. No, no.
- Bring it over here!
Copy !req
1409. CiCi, Rodney, kick it!
Copy !req
1410. - Get up here. Get up here.
- I...
Copy !req
1411. Do it, do it. Yes!
Copy !req
1412. Let's go! Come on!
Copy !req
1413. Here's the twin power. Bring it!
Copy !req
1414. Oh, my God. Okay.
Copy !req
1415. Wow!
Copy !req
1416. Do "The Mummy."
Copy !req
1417. Come on, turn up the heat.
Copy !req
1418. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1419. That was all your father.
Copy !req
1420. That was you! You were great, Pokee.
Copy !req
1421. Now she's Pokee?
Copy !req
1422. She's always been Pokee.
Copy !req
1423. I was thinking, tonight, portside,
Copy !req
1424. you could go on that deck,
check out the stars,
Copy !req
1425. put on something gorgeous,
'cause there might be
Copy !req
1426. a handsome surprise waiting for you.
Copy !req
1427. Really?
You going to introduce me to my Mr. Right?
Copy !req
1428. Maybe.
Copy !req
1429. Oh, really?
Copy !req
1430. It's not Al Pacino, is it?
Copy !req
1431. Why, is it Al Pacino?
Copy !req
1432. No, no, it's not.
Copy !req
1433. 'Cause that would just
hurt me at this point.
Copy !req
1434. But it's not, so...
Copy !req
1435. Treating me like some sort
of prosti-twin, that's bad.
Copy !req
1436. It's not. It's not. It's not.
It's not, all right?
Copy !req
1437. All right!
Then why are you getting so angry?
Copy !req
1438. Why are you so annoying?
Copy !req
1439. - What?
- Jack!
Copy !req
1440. Why would you say that?
We were just having fun!
Copy !req
1441. We never have fun when you're around!
I'm sorry!
Copy !req
1442. - No, no! You... This is you, man!
- Go, go!
Copy !req
1443. This is on you! You're out of your mind!
Copy !req
1444. - You're out of your mind!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Copy !req
1445. Let's see. Pit stain.
Copy !req
1446. Pit stain.
Copy !req
1447. I don't know what that is.
Copy !req
1448. Okay, clean.
Copy !req
1449. You tell anybody,
I will fry you up and eat you.
Copy !req
1450. Yeah.
Copy !req
1451. All right, where is he, man?
He said portside, I'm portside.
Copy !req
1452. Where am I supposed to be?
Copy !req
1453. Cheesecake!
Copy !req
1454. Holy crap!
Copy !req
1455. Just climb on the ladder, there!
Copy !req
1456. Don't you think maybe
you should land that thing?
Copy !req
1457. That would be easier for me!
Copy !req
1458. It's safer to hover!
Copy !req
1459. Wow!
Copy !req
1460. Yeah! Whoa!
Copy !req
1461. Xavier, look at her go!
Copy !req
1462. I am back!
Copy !req
1463. Señorita, I was gone too long?
Copy !req
1464. No, not at all.
It's really good to see you again.
Copy !req
1465. So, what is different about
you tonight? I don't know.
Copy !req
1466. - Nothing.
- No, no, no, no.
Copy !req
1467. There's something...
Did you drop some weight?
Copy !req
1468. - Maybe that's it. Yeah, I'm looking thinner.
- Yeah,
Copy !req
1469. - I think so.
- That's probably what you're seeing.
Copy !req
1470. I think you're more feminine or something.
Copy !req
1471. A little more... Less muscular.
Copy !req
1472. I don't agree, but okay.
Copy !req
1473. Gloobledy globble bibbly blop.
Copy !req
1474. Blobbledobble... gibbledy blip.
Copy !req
1475. Hibbledy globb, shoelace
Copy !req
1476. This is the heavy, hard stuff
or how are we doing here?
Copy !req
1477. What is this?
Copy !req
1478. One for the lady. Qué lindo!
Copy !req
1479. That's enough for me.
Copy !req
1480. Who's Poopsie?
Copy !req
1481. I keep hearing, "Poopsie, Poopsie."
Copy !req
1482. Poopsie is my bird.
Copy !req
1483. I used to raise pigeons.
Copy !req
1484. - Really?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1485. No, I'm sorry. That was Brando.
Copy !req
1486. - Are you ticklish?
- No.
Copy !req
1487. I said I'm not, so...
Copy !req
1488. No, no, it's just that
Copy !req
1489. Stella Adler, the great acting teacher,
once wrote in a book,
Copy !req
1490. the only way you can
really get to know somebody is if you,
Copy !req
1491. watch their behavior
when they're being tickled.
Copy !req
1492. Would you do me the honor
Copy !req
1493. and just lift up those girlie arms?
Copy !req
1494. I just haven't shaved under there
in many, many years.
Copy !req
1495. - You don't want to see that.
- We're in Europe. It doesn't matter.
Copy !req
1496. I think even here,
they might be, like, "What is that?"
Copy !req
1497. No, no, not here. Give me a try.
Copy !req
1498. Okay, so, here we go.
Copy !req
1499. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1500. Look at us.
Copy !req
1501. - All right! Stop it!
- What?
Copy !req
1502. What was that?
Copy !req
1503. Just... I don't really...
I didn't like that.
Copy !req
1504. - I'm sorry.
- That was powerful.
Copy !req
1505. And it just came out of you like, "Boom!"
Copy !req
1506. You know, what? We're better with just...
Copy !req
1507. VVhoa. VVhoa!
Copy !req
1508. I don't even know where Jack is right now.
Copy !req
1509. He's avoiding me. That's where he is.
Copy !req
1510. Can I work in with you guys?
Copy !req
1511. - Sure.
- Knock yourself out.
Copy !req
1512. I think he hates 'cause I talk so much.
Copy !req
1513. It bothers him, you know?
Copy !req
1514. But when I'm in the Bronx,
Copy !req
1515. I have no one else to talk to but Poopsie,
Copy !req
1516. so when I'm around other humans,
I... I tend to blab a lot.
Copy !req
1517. - No, you don't.
- I do, I do.
Copy !req
1518. Will you throw a couple more 45s on?
Copy !req
1519. Erin, he was being so nice to me,
Copy !req
1520. and then I had to bring
up the Pacino thing,
Copy !req
1521. because... I don't know.
Copy !req
1522. I do that. It's just 'cause
I'm insecure, you know?
Copy !req
1523. I feel like the only reason
he brought me on this cruise
Copy !req
1524. is for some Pacino-related shenanigans
Copy !req
1525. and it just gets in my head.
Copy !req
1526. He told me he wanted you
to come on this cruise
Copy !req
1527. because he didn't
want you to spend your first New Year's Eve
Copy !req
1528. without your mom alone.
Copy !req
1529. He said that?
Copy !req
1530. Yeah.
Copy !req
1531. Oh, my God, that means so much to me.
Copy !req
1532. Why didn't I use
my twin powers to know that?
Copy !req
1533. Do they not work
when you're out of the country?
Copy !req
1534. Maybe they don't.
Copy !req
1535. That's why he was mad!
Copy !req
1536. 'Cause he was being good to me, and I...
I did what I did
Copy !req
1537. and I'm a jerk, and I have to call him.
Copy !req
1538. And I'm gonna
straighten the whole family vacation out,
Copy !req
1539. - I promise. This is so cool!
- Push!
Copy !req
1540. Push! Push harder!
Copy !req
1541. I was pushing it!
Copy !req
1542. - Hey!
- Hey!
Copy !req
1543. All right! Al Pacino! Al, Al Pacino!
Copy !req
1544. - Al Pacino!
- Now you got it!
Copy !req
1545. All right, let's have... Here you go!
Copy !req
1546. Boom! Yeah!
Copy !req
1547. - I always come on the short end of that.
- I'm getting a call.
Copy !req
1548. - Hello.
- Hello?
Copy !req
1549. Hello?
Copy !req
1550. I don't understand.
Copy !req
1551. Are you mocking my voice right now?
Copy !req
1552. No, no, no, I'm not.
Copy !req
1553. I... I can't talk right now.
Copy !req
1554. Okay, don't talk, then. Just listen.
Copy !req
1555. I just want to tell you I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1556. I'm... I'm the reason
we're fighting right now.
Copy !req
1557. And... And I never thank you enough
Copy !req
1558. for doing all you do for me, so thank you.
Copy !req
1559. - Who is that, your brother?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1560. Who is that, Jack?
Copy !req
1561. That's... It's... It's nobody!
Copy !req
1562. Hey, Popcorn, we're having fun here!
Copy !req
1563. Are you with Al Pacino?
Copy !req
1564. No, no, I'm not! I just...
Copy !req
1565. I said I can't talk right now, weirdo!
Copy !req
1566. Please tell me you're not doing
what I think you're doing.
Copy !req
1567. I said I can't talk, so I'm hanging up!
Copy !req
1568. Jack, speak in your regular voice
or I'll know the real reason
Copy !req
1569. why you brought me on this cruise.
Copy !req
1570. I can't always do what you want
when you want it! Bye!
Copy !req
1571. I mean, come on!
Copy !req
1572. Hey, what's Popcorn's problem?
Copy !req
1573. Mayor Mc: Cheesy doesn't
like his new script?
Copy !req
1574. Get over yourself.
Copy !req
1575. My brother's very good at what he does.
Copy !req
1576. He's going to write a book
one day, you'll see.
Copy !req
1577. Yes, he's an author.
I forgot, that's right.
Copy !req
1578. He's got a whole novel in him
about Desenex foot powder.
Copy !req
1579. So funny.
Copy !req
1580. Okay.
Copy !req
1581. Yes.
Copy !req
1582. That's the Bronx girl coming back.
Copy !req
1583. Now, you take back
what you said about Pagogo!
Copy !req
1584. Go ahead, do it.
Copy !req
1585. Defend the honor
Copy !req
1586. of that self-deluded,
sycophantic, bitter hack.
Copy !req
1587. - Are you okay?
- Get off of me.
Copy !req
1588. - Okay.
- It's not okay.
Copy !req
1589. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1590. I know... What could I do?
Copy !req
1591. You know, you had that...
Copy !req
1592. You had a broken bottle
and were coming at me.
Copy !req
1593. Yeah, yeah, well, get away from me.
Copy !req
1594. - All right.
- Just let me breathe for a second.
Copy !req
1595. - I just...
- I need my own space.
Copy !req
1596. - Back up.
- Okay, all right, I'm backing up.
Copy !req
1597. - Back up!
- All right!
Copy !req
1598. - Oh, geez. Hey...
- You don't hit a girl
Copy !req
1599. with a chair on the first date!
Copy !req
1600. It's amazing the way you stick up
for your brother. It's just...
Copy !req
1601. Well, I got to do that.
Don't I at least owe him that?
Copy !req
1602. 'Cause all I ever do is take things
from him and ruin things and...
Copy !req
1603. Well, that's his point of view, you know.
Copy !req
1604. I mean, that's the way
he makes you see yourself.
Copy !req
1605. You want to know what I see?
Copy !req
1606. Yes, I want to know what you see.
Copy !req
1607. You can get any girl in the world,
Copy !req
1608. and why would you want me?
Copy !req
1609. Answer that. It makes no sense.
Copy !req
1610. Well, I see an angel with a broken wing.
Copy !req
1611. I see a brother who all he got all his life
was everything.
Copy !req
1612. All the glory, all the accolades,
Copy !req
1613. everything since they were two.
Copy !req
1614. I... I see a girl who wants recognition
Copy !req
1615. but just never gets it,
Copy !req
1616. yet she has a heart so big,
Copy !req
1617. she finds happiness
Copy !req
1618. in seeing her brother receive it all.
Copy !req
1619. Yeah, yeah, but come on,
aren't I a pain in the butt?
Copy !req
1620. I mean, don't I annoy everybody?
Copy !req
1621. You got so much love in you, Jill,
Copy !req
1622. so much to give.
Copy !req
1623. You just need someone to give it to.
Copy !req
1624. To dream
Copy !req
1625. The impossible dream
Copy !req
1626. To fight
Copy !req
1627. The unbeatable foe
Copy !req
1628. To bear with unbearable sorrow
Copy !req
1629. Dulcinea.
Copy !req
1630. Dulci-what-a?
Copy !req
1631. You are Dulcinea
from the Broadway play they offered me
Copy !req
1632. and I am the Man of La Mancha.
Copy !req
1633. You got me there.
Copy !req
1634. I'm taking the part!
Copy !req
1635. What about my brother?
Copy !req
1636. What do I do? What do I say?
Copy !req
1637. Your brother.
Copy !req
1638. I don't know
there's much you can do about him.
Copy !req
1639. I mean, not that he doesn't love you.
Copy !req
1640. He loves you, I'm sure,
but it's a kind of deathbed love,
Copy !req
1641. the kind of love
he'll look back on when it's too late.
Copy !req
1642. - Hey, listen, I'm gonna do Man of La Mancha.
- No, no, no, I got to fix it.
Copy !req
1643. I got to fix it now, now I got to fix it.
Copy !req
1644. Hey, where are you going?
Copy !req
1645. Back to the ship.
Copy !req
1646. Would you stay if I did
your brother's commercial?
Copy !req
1647. The heck with that commercial.
Copy !req
1648. I'm going to see my womb-mate.
Copy !req
1649. - Come on, come on, pick up the phone.
- You have reached the voice mailbox of...
Copy !req
1650. What is this? How do you...
Copy !req
1651. To leave a voice message, press one.
Copy !req
1652. Oh, God.
Copy !req
1653. Jill!
Copy !req
1654. Jill, open up!
Copy !req
1655. Jack?
Copy !req
1656. What are you wearing?
Copy !req
1657. You were with Al Pacino, weren't you?
Copy !req
1658. Wow, you're good.
Copy !req
1659. Jill was right.
Copy !req
1660. You are a weirdo.
Copy !req
1661. I know I am.
Copy !req
1662. Where is she? Where's Jill?
Copy !req
1663. She went home, and now I know why.
Copy !req
1664. She went home?
Copy !req
1665. God, what am I going to do?
Copy !req
1666. Happy New Year!
Copy !req
1667. Going in alone is fine, Mom,
and I'm not alone. I'm with you.
Copy !req
1668. Hey, well, guess what, I'm not
wearing underwear. It's New Year's Eve.
Copy !req
1669. Let's have some fun.
Copy !req
1670. Yo, you guys. Is that Jill Sadelstein?
Copy !req
1671. She was absolutely
the biggest loser in our high school.
Copy !req
1672. I mean, didn't she marry that
bird and move to the jungle?
Copy !req
1673. OMG, she's here alone tonight.
Copy !req
1674. The loserness continues.
Copy !req
1675. Hey, Jill.
Copy !req
1676. Hey! Happy New Year, guys.
Copy !req
1677. Where you been hiding, hon?
Copy !req
1678. I was visiting my brother
for Thanksgiving, and he...
Copy !req
1679. I just decided to stay out there
with him for a while.
Copy !req
1680. Yeah, he must have loved that.
Copy !req
1681. For your information, Carol,
he begged me to stay,
Copy !req
1682. but I'm just too exhausted
from being on game shows
Copy !req
1683. and dating movie stars.
Copy !req
1684. Oh, who'd you hook up
with, Rob Schneider?
Copy !req
1685. I like him.
Copy !req
1686. God, you're hot.
Copy !req
1687. You know, I don't like to kiss and tell,
Copy !req
1688. but I was with Sir Al Pacino
for a whole night.
Copy !req
1689. Honey, it must not have worked out
since you're all alone tonight.
Copy !req
1690. - Yeah.
- Aren't you?
Copy !req
1691. She's not alone.
Copy !req
1692. She's with her family.
Copy !req
1693. - Jack?
- Jill.
Copy !req
1694. What are you doing here?
Copy !req
1695. That's Jack.
Copy !req
1696. I just... I realized
Copy !req
1697. there's something
that I want to tell you so much.
Copy !req
1698. I just... I don't know how to say...
Copy !req
1699. What?
Copy !req
1700. Ook maga do do, Pokee.
Copy !req
1701. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1702. Ook maga do do blarda, blarda, blarda.
Copy !req
1703. Mama Pandoree
bon Papa Pandoree long bada-bada.
Copy !req
1704. Bada-Bada, I know.
Copy !req
1705. Pagogo Tu lray
Copy !req
1706. Nah ee Pokee Para mee.
Copy !req
1707. But most important,
Copy !req
1708. Bongi
Copy !req
1709. Bongi que Mahjongee.
Copy !req
1710. Of course, I love those guys.
Copy !req
1711. Bongi para rumpernickel pumpernickel.
Copy !req
1712. That's freaking beautiful.
Copy !req
1713. It's just... Just beautiful.
Copy !req
1714. Para Kaya!
Copy !req
1715. Ook maga do do.
Copy !req
1716. Coodlee me, coodlee me.
Copy !req
1717. I'm so happy, so happy.
Copy !req
1718. Thank you.
Copy !req
1719. So, what, are you, like, his wife?
Copy !req
1720. Is that Monica?
Copy !req
1721. Yeah. Hi, I'm Erin. Nice to meet you.
Copy !req
1722. Well, I guess he settled for second best.
Copy !req
1723. Because I dumped
his sorry butt in high school.
Copy !req
1724. Yes, I did.
Copy !req
1725. Don't worry, Erin.
Copy !req
1726. They used to call her "The Cheese Tray"
Copy !req
1727. 'cause she got
passed around at all the parties.
Copy !req
1728. - Oh, we're getting busy.
- I'm right here.
Copy !req
1729. What are you doing?
Copy !req
1730. What did I do?
Copy !req
1731. Don't you touch my sister-in-law.
Copy !req
1732. Knock her out, Jill, knock her out!
Copy !req
1733. Ch, my God! You okay?
Copy !req
1734. Muleteers!
Copy !req
1735. Prepare to do battle.
Copy !req
1736. Oh, my God, is that Colonel Sanders?
Copy !req
1737. Al, what is this?
Why do you look like that?
Copy !req
1738. He's doing Man of La Mancha now,
Copy !req
1739. so he always stays in character.
Copy !req
1740. Milady.
Copy !req
1741. Al, I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
1742. I thought I made it clear,
we're not meant to be.
Copy !req
1743. Pokee, Klapa!
Copy !req
1744. It's not you, it's me.
Copy !req
1745. - Dulcinea.
- Yes?
Copy !req
1746. Your purity befits a knight
more worthy than I.
Copy !req
1747. Go to him. He waits for you.
Copy !req
1748. Pagogo, where's the knight?
Copy !req
1749. You'll just have to see, Jill, come on.
Copy !req
1750. There's a knight?
Oh, my God, there's a knight?
Copy !req
1751. - Yeah, yeah.
- There's a knight! There's a knight!
Copy !req
1752. It's a foul monster!
Copy !req
1753. Al, that's a ceiling fan.
Copy !req
1754. No, it's a whirling, five-arm beast.
Copy !req
1755. What is this? What?
Copy !req
1756. - She's going to show up.
- What the...
Copy !req
1757. Felipe, what is this?
Copy !req
1758. I don't understand. What is going on here?
Copy !req
1759. What is happening? What...
Copy !req
1760. Felipe, how did you do this?
Copy !req
1761. - What? This is...
- Jill.
Copy !req
1762. Hi, guys, hi.
Copy !req
1763. What are you doing here?
Copy !req
1764. Jill, before you left,
Copy !req
1765. what I was trying to tell you,
Copy !req
1766. while you were dropping
chimichanga bombs...
Copy !req
1767. That was awful, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1768. Is that you make me feel like,
Copy !req
1769. like I just climbed out
of the trunk of my cousin's car
Copy !req
1770. after driving 1,100 miles
across the border.
Copy !req
1771. Huh?
Copy !req
1772. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
Copy !req
1773. I was going to say,
"He's ruining the mood," but...
Copy !req
1774. Yeah.
Copy !req
1775. But not about you.
Copy !req
1776. What?
Copy !req
1777. I love you, Jill. I love you.
Copy !req
1778. - You love me?
- Yeah, I love you.
Copy !req
1779. Somebody loves me.
Copy !req
1780. I love you, Jill.
Copy !req
1781. Will you convert to Judaism for me?
Copy !req
1782. - What?
- I'm kidding! I'm kidding!
Copy !req
1783. Oh, Felipe!
Copy !req
1784. I love you, Jill.
Copy !req
1785. All right, all right, he said he loved you.
Copy !req
1786. Don't kill him! Come on!
Copy !req
1787. I love you.
Copy !req
1788. What are you doing?
Copy !req
1789. Jack, jump in here and lay with me.
Copy !req
1790. - Lay with me.
- Oh, just lay with Felipe.
Copy !req
1791. Can't you do that?
Copy !req
1792. Something's brewing at D'in' D.
Copy !req
1793. Wow!
Copy !req
1794. Al Pacino!
Copy !req
1795. It's not Al any more, it's Dunk.
Copy !req
1796. Dunk Accino?
Copy !req
1797. Don't mind if I do.
Copy !req
1798. - What's my name?
- Dunkaccino
Copy !req
1799. - It's a whole new game
- Dunkaccino!
Copy !req
1800. You want creamy goodness
I'm your friend
Copy !req
1801. Say hello to my chocolate blend
Copy !req
1802. Attica, hoo-wah, latte lite
Copy !req
1803. This whole trial is out of sight
Copy !req
1804. They pulled me back in
with hazelnut, too
Copy !req
1805. Caramel swirl...
I know it was you
Copy !req
1806. Everyone wants my Dunkaccino
Copy !req
1807. Can't get enough of my Dunkaccino
Copy !req
1808. Kids from seven to seventeen-0
Copy !req
1809. Lining up for my Dunkaccino
Copy !req
1810. - What's my name?
- Dunkaccino
Copy !req
1811. A-Dunka-Dunka
Dunka-Dunka-Dunkaccino
Copy !req
1812. And, boom, there you have it.
It's actually 32 seconds,
Copy !req
1813. so I got to lose two seconds.
Copy !req
1814. Maybe you can tell me what,
what part you would lose,
Copy !req
1815. but I think we are getting there.
Copy !req
1816. Burn this.
Copy !req
1817. I'm sorry?
Copy !req
1818. This must never be seen by anyone.
Copy !req
1819. If you didn't like all those close-ups,
we can...
Copy !req
1820. This is not the final cut.
There's no doubt, we can...
Copy !req
1821. All copies.
Copy !req
1822. Destroy them.
Copy !req
1823. - You want me to play it again?
- Has anybody seen this?
Copy !req
1824. Nobody has seen this.
Copy !req
1825. They have to be found and talked to.
Copy !req
1826. All right, to be honest, I showed my wife.
Copy !req
1827. - She couldn't believe...
- No good, no good.
Copy !req
1828. So I used to be fatter,
and so what he would do...
Copy !req
1829. Picture him way bigger, like...
Copy !req
1830. So what would happen is
we'd get together on Thanksgiving.
Copy !req
1831. He'd kind of gather the family around,
Copy !req
1832. and so I would have to go,
Copy !req
1833. "This is me before Ultra Slim Fast."
Copy !req
1834. "And this is me now!"
Copy !req
1835. And everybody would laugh at him
and he'd go cry in the other room.
Copy !req
1836. I'm Larry, this is my brother Dave.
Copy !req
1837. We used to be triplets,
but he ate the other one.
Copy !req
1838. Let me tell you, I don't
really like getting
Copy !req
1839. into fights with him because I really...
Copy !req
1840. I don't like closing my fist on him,
so when we get into fights,
Copy !req
1841. we look like sissies
when we fight each other.
Copy !req
1842. You know, 'cause I don't really like...
Copy !req
1843. It's kind of that...
The schoolyard fight when you see two girls.
Copy !req
1844. She's my baby girl, she knows that.
Copy !req
1845. We're like a husband-and-wife relationship.
Copy !req
1846. - We fight and then we come together.
- That's sick, okay?
Copy !req
1847. - I mean, not in a sick way.
- You shouldn't say that
Copy !req
1848. - like that, that's sick.
- Not in a sick way.
Copy !req
1849. I don't like my brother.
Copy !req
1850. I have a deep, intense
dislike for my brother.
Copy !req
1851. He's a bad guy.
Copy !req
1852. I know what the problem is.
Copy !req
1853. He didn't say anything about it, did he?
Copy !req
1854. He don't like the mustache
'cause he can't grow one.
Copy !req
1855. Well, usually, when we celebrate a
birthday, usually it's more than one cake.
Copy !req
1856. - It's four cakes.
- It's usually four.
Copy !req
1857. - Yeah.
- It's usually four cakes.
Copy !req
1858. There's right hand,
left hand, right hand, left hand.
Copy !req
1859. Or one for me and one for him
and two for his girlfriend.
Copy !req
1860. Yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
1861. She was actually living in L.A.
Copy !req
1862. And I was in Kentucky
doing the race at that moment.
Copy !req
1863. - I was tired.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1864. 'Cause I did not train properly.
Copy !req
1865. And I started feeling, like, these pains
Copy !req
1866. or something like that,
and it was, like, weird, so...
Copy !req
1867. - So, yeah.
- I mean, that's my part of,
Copy !req
1868. like, ESPN or ESP.
Copy !req
1869. - Whatever it's called.
- It's ESP.
Copy !req
1870. - Okay, whatever.
- ESPN is the network for sports.
Copy !req
1871. You figure it out.
Copy !req
1872. Well, you know, I'm married, so...
Copy !req
1873. Yeah, we don't have girl issues.
Copy !req
1874. Yeah, well, I... Sometimes, though,
I do try to hook him up with someone.
Copy !req
1875. I mean, if they come up to me
Copy !req
1876. and they're like, they like me,
I'm like, "Oh, sorry,"
Copy !req
1877. and then I'm like,
"Hey, look at this guy, though."
Copy !req
1878. And so, I mean,
he's kind of like the backup twin.
Copy !req
1879. I don't care, I take it.
Copy !req
1880. I said, "Look, dude, I don't think I can...
I don't think I can go on this date,"
Copy !req
1881. "but I can't, can't break the date."
Copy !req
1882. "'Cause, you know, it's got to happen,
it's got to happen tonight."
Copy !req
1883. - I said, "Well, Rog, you know..."
- You said... What'd you tell me?
Copy !req
1884. "How does the girl look?
How does she look?"
Copy !req
1885. I said, "Dude, she's a 10, she's hot."
Copy !req
1886. - "She's hot?"
- "She's hot."
Copy !req
1887. I said, "Well, you know, send me."
Copy !req
1888. "I'll put her on ice for
the night, you know."
Copy !req
1889. "Send me out, I'll make sure
everything's good for you,"
Copy !req
1890. "you know, and you'll be
good to go next week."
Copy !req
1891. - So I did.
- He went out with the girl.
Copy !req
1892. It was smooth, right?
Copy !req
1893. I think she fell in love
with him on the first date.
Copy !req
1894. What's funny is,
my brother ended up dating this girl
Copy !req
1895. for, like, four...
What, like three and a half years?
Copy !req
1896. Yeah, it was like three and a half years.
Copy !req
1897. She never knew we switched
on the very first date.
Copy !req
1898. She said, "The best time of
my life was the first date."
Copy !req
1899. - There you go.
- I was like, "Oh, come on."
Copy !req
1900. Growing up with long hair, full Afros.
Copy !req
1901. Oh, yeah, fine, with some platform shoes,
Copy !req
1902. something you'd remember.
You stole my good pair.
Copy !req
1903. All right, let's move, let's move.
Copy !req
1904. The best thing about
being twins is, when I fall,
Copy !req
1905. when I feel sad,
Elijah just picks me right back up
Copy !req
1906. and that's just helpful to me.
Copy !req
1907. - Love my twin.
- Love my twin.
Copy !req
1908. - Love you, sis.
- Love you.
Copy !req
1909. I love us.
Copy !req
1910. You smell.
Copy !req
1911. - I love this guy.
- I can't imagine life without my brother.
Copy !req
1912. - But we love each other.
- Yeah, but we love each other, right, okay.
Copy !req
1913. You're my only friend.
Copy !req
1914. That's so sad.
Copy !req
1915. - It was cool, man.
- I love my brother.
Copy !req
1916. I love you, man.
Copy !req
1917. No matter how bad he is,
no matter what he does wrong,
Copy !req
1918. he's still my brother
and he's still number one.
Copy !req
1919. Without a twin
Copy !req
1920. you're useless.
Copy !req
1921. - We're good to go.
- Triplets? No.
Copy !req
1922. - No.
- Nasty, ugly.
Copy !req
1923. - No, done.
- No, we're done.
Copy !req
1924. - Twins.
- Yes.
Copy !req
1925. - Keep 'em.
- Let's go.
Copy !req
1926. I got to get this pin...
Copy !req