Ishtar (1987)

1. Telling the truth can be bad news

2. Telling the truth can be...

3. Telling the truth can be good news

4. Telling the truth is a bad idea

5. Telling the truth is a difficult problem

6. Telling the truth... Telling the truth is a scary...

7. Telling the truth is a scary predicament

8. Telling the truth is a bitter herb

9. Telling the truth is a dangerous tunnel

10. When you get out of that tunnel

11. - You've got bitter herbs - It's a black life ahead

12. Forget "herb." I never heard of a hit that had the word "herb" in it.

13. Telling the truth is a dangerous...

14. Dangerous!

15. - Telling the truth can be dangerous - Dangerous...

16. What?

17. Danger... Telling the truth can be danger...

18. Telling the truth can be dangerous

19. Telling the truth can be dangerous business

20. Why?

21. Telling the truth can be dangerous business

22. Because if yourself you don't know why

23. Well, I'm just giving you what the idea is.

24. Telling the truth can be dangerous business

25. If you don't know yourself then you don't know why

26. Is that brilliant!

27. Telling the truth can be dangerous business

28. Honest and popular don't go hand in hand

29. If you admit that you can play the accordion

30. No one will hire you in a rock 'n' roll band

31. - But we can sing our hearts out - Can sing our hearts out

32. And if we're lucky then no neighbors complain

33. Look at that. Simon and Garfunkel's Greatest Hits.

34. Lyle, Dangerous Business is as good as anything they ever wrote.

35. - You think so? - Sure.

36. The only thing that Simon & Garfunkel, or Bruce Springsteen,

37. or any of these guys have that we don't have is an agent.

38. You think so?

39. Dangerous Business is as good as Bridge over Troubled Water

40. any day of the week.

41. You think so?

42. I'm telling you, if we get an agent, we get a record album.

43. - Freed Talent Agency. - Mr. Freed,

44. - this is Chuck Clarke of Rogers & Clarke. - Yeah?

45. We're songwriters and we're looking for an agent.

46. Yeah.

47. And we saw your ad in Variety. We're gonna be at Song Mart next Tuesday.

48. And we've got a new song we think is good enough for a record album.

49. We wondered if you'd have a chance to come down and catch us.

50. - The record album... - No, no, no, no.

51. It's not called The Record Album. It's called The Song Mart, sir.

52. It's basically a try-out place for new material.

53. Okay, okay, okay, that wraps up another audition night at The Song Mart.

54. A great bunch tonight. Good luck, kids.

55. Well, what did you think, Mr. Freed?

56. - As an agent? - Yeah.

57. Let me tell you what I told Tony Bennett,

58. "Sing songs people already know."

59. That way, if they don't like it, they'll still have something to applaud.

60. - But we're not singers. - No, we're songwriters.

61. So? The Beach Boys weren't songwriters?

62. Anthony Newley isn't a songwriter?

63. I mean, if you wanna sell songs today,

64. you gotta have an act with jokes, patter, segues.

65. Otherwise, frankly,

66. you're old, you're white and you got no shtick.

67. You got no gimmicks.

68. Auditioning tonight at The Ad Lib for the first time,

69. please welcome Rogers & Clarke.

70. I don't understand what we did wrong.

71. Nothing, although I think it'd be a good idea to change your routine if they boo.

72. Otherwise, I'm very encouraged.

73. We don't have another routine to change to.

74. The thing is, Marty, we've been living off our savings

75. while we've been working on our act, but we're down to nothing now.

76. - Really? I got good news for you. - What?

77. I think I can get you a booking.

78. - For money? - Absolutely.

79. - Where? - Honduras.

80. The hotel where the American journalists stay in Honduras.

81. Taxi!

82. The last act left because they got nervous about the death squads.

83. But there's no danger if you don't drive in the countryside.

84. - How much? - 150 lempiras a week.

85. That's $75 in American money, that includes room and board.

86. That's only $37.50 a week for each of us.

87. Hey, that's right.

88. You got a good head for figures.

89. - But, Marty... - Taxi!

90. Wait a minute, Marty.

91. I also can get you 10 weeks in Morocco at 950 dirham a week.

92. That's $95 in American money.

93. Unfortunately, I can only get you airfare from the Canary Islands.

94. I'll call you about it in the morning.

95. Me, too.

96. Want me to drop you anywhere?

97. No, thanks. I'm gonna walk around for a while.

98. I want to do some thinking.

99. Me, too.

100. Well, don't think too long.

101. A lot of acts would kill for a booking in North Africa.

102. Lyle, do you mind? I kind of wanna be alone to think.

103. - Lyle! - Is it all right?

104. It's the only bar in the neighborhood that's open.

105. Just pretend like I'm not here.

106. What can I get you?

107. Give me a bourbon and a water, straight up.

108. - Make that two. - Don't drink bourbon,

109. you'll fall flat on your face. Give him a beer.

110. I'll have a beer.

111. You guys know each other?

112. Yeah, we...

113. We got a...

114. We had an act together.

115. No kidding, would I have seen it?

116. No, we've only known each other about five months.

117. Before that, we were just guys

118. with jobs.

119. And we wanted to be songwriters.

120. Hot fudge love, chocolate covered

121. Hot fudge love, cherry ripple kisses

122. Dishes, knishes, trishes

123. This is, this is, bliss is

124. Hey, ice-cream truck! Stop!

125. Stop being so stupid! Stop!

126. Lip smackin' back slappin'

127. Perfectly delicious

128. No, no.

129. What's the matter, honey?

130. I feel like this is a very special part of the evening.

131. A couple of years ago, there was a very young gray-haired couple here,

132. celebrating their 51st wedding anniversary.

133. And last year, they came...

134. - Sorry. - ... for their 52nd wedding anniversary.

135. And I told them that if they came back here the following year,

136. I'd have a song written for them.

137. And they're back.

138. Mr. And Mrs. Charles Thomopoulos

139. celebrating this evening their 53rd wedding anniversary.

140. Hear, hear!

141. I promised I'd love you forever

142. A promise I'm planning to keep

143. You'll be well taken care of after I've gone

144. off to the land of the big sleep

145. I'm leaving some love in my will

146. Yes, I'm leaving some love in my will

147. My life is nearly over

148. And time goes by so fast

149. And I wanted to give you a present

150. To thank you for the past

151. I shouldn't have played in here.

152. It's so demeaning.

153. Asshole waiters screaming at me like that and taking orders,

154. people throwing food in their faces.

155. - I love you, Chuck. - Thanks.

156. And I was thinking that if we lived together,

157. I would just make your life so much easier.

158. Life isn't that bad, I just have a lot of pain.

159. - Do you love me, Chuck? - Look, Carol, you're a wonderful person.

160. I mean that. You're a wonderful woman.

161. I just have to make sure that you're Miss Right.

162. Don't you wanna make sure that I'm...

163. Oh, my God.

164. This guy says he's a songwriter and he loved my song.

165. He says he wants to buy me a drink.

166. I'll be right back.

167. I met her and I fell...

168. - No, cut out "and I." - You want this one.

169. I met her, fell

170. I loved her well

171. She walked out, hell Oh, heartbreak

172. That's it.

173. Maybe something stronger.

174. I met her, wham!

175. I met her, bam!

176. Software

177. I'm looking for software

178. I gotta have software

179. For my machine

180. I got it, I got it.

181. If you admit that you can play the accordion

182. No one will hire you in a rock 'n' roll band

183. Shit, man, when you're on, you're on.

184. - Hello - Hello

185. - Baby - Baby

186. - Love you - Love you

187. - Baby - Baby

188. And the way I see it, people would rather suffer with what they have

189. than try the unknown.

190. Is that true!

191. Like crackers from a barrel

192. That's when the morning...

193. That's because most men lead lives of quiet desperation.

194. Is that right!

195. They're going to change her name to Carol

196. Saturday morning The sound of a lawnmower

197. Touches my heart

198. Girls call me "The Hawk." It's a long story, gang war, shit like that.

199. "The Hawk?"

200. She said, "Come look, there's a..."

201. She said, "Come, look, there's a wardrobe of love in my eyes"

202. "Take your time, look around and see if there's something your size"

203. Can you give us another half-hour?

204. - Half an hour? - Yeah.

205. Half an hour like the last half-hour?

206. - We don't get overtime for this. - Hey, wait a second, try this.

207. Half an hour, half an hour Like the last half-hour

208. Where are you going? Stay.

209. Lyle. Lyle, listen to me. She's not worth it.

210. She didn't understand your sense of dedication.

211. I'm sorry, just... It comes over me in waves every few minutes.

212. - That's okay. That's all right. - I'm sorry.

213. I don't know what to do now.

214. - I don't know what to do without Willa. - It's okay.

215. You know, we've been married since we were 17.

216. I never even dated anybody but Willa.

217. Oh, Willa.

218. We were happy while I was working in a gas station.

219. We had a nice little house, a nice little garden.

220. I'd come home in the evening and write songs.

221. Willa would... She'd quilt and...

222. Then the tire factory opened

223. and overnight the population shot up to about 35,000.

224. Lyle, can you stand up a second? You're sitting on my tie.

225. So I said to Willa, I said, "Look, we gotta go to New York

226. "or Nashville because those are the only two places to be

227. "if you wanna sell songs."

228. That's how come we came to New York.

229. What a smuck I was.

230. Schmuck.

231. It's not "smuck," it's schmuck.

232. - Smuck. - Schmuck.

233. Smuck.

234. Say "sh."

235. - Now say "muck." - Muck.

236. Now say "sh" and "muck" together real fast.

237. Smuck.

238. Closer.

239. You really know the lingo.

240. This is my friend Lyle Rogers. And you are?

241. Dorothy. And this is my friend Siri Darma.

242. Lyle, why don't you sneak in here and talk to Siri.

243. Siri, be careful of this guy. He's got a lot of quick moves.

244. Don't look at me that way.

245. You are so fucking beautiful.

246. You are so beautiful.

247. Don't kid me.

248. You probably had every guy in the world telling you you're beautiful

249. ever since the day you were born.

250. - You are so crazy, Hawk. - Crazy?

251. I wanna kiss every inch of you, get in a clinch with you.

252. Break off a pinch of you

253. You didn't have to leave with me. Now, I spoiled the night for you.

254. You gotta give yourself a break.

255. You've never been out with anyone but your wife.

256. Yeah, but you gotta have the looks, Chuck.

257. I mean, you walk into a place like that and girls just want you.

258. You know, you got that kind of face.

259. Kind of mean-looking, but with character.

260. And the way you walk, you can only do that with a small body.

261. Did you ever hear of a big sports car?

262. - I mean, if I looked like you... - You have so idealized me.

263. I won't stand for it.

264. I just can't walk out on him.

265. He cries every 10 minutes, Carol. He's like an orphan.

266. - What are you doing? - I'm leaving you.

267. - What are you talking about? - I don't want to see you again, ever.

268. - Carol. - What do you care?

269. If you never see me again,

270. it'll only be one time less a week than you see me now.

271. - Carol. - Your life is a joke.

272. - Willa? Willa? - Hello, Lyle.

273. I'm outside on the ledge of my apartment.

274. - What? - I've been fooling you, Lyle,

275. and I've been fooling myself.

276. I don't have any talent. I don't have any money.

277. I'll never find Miss Right and Carol left me.

278. Lyle, I can't make anything work.

279. Everything I told you is fake.

280. It's all make-believe.

281. - I'm a total failure. - Don't move, I'll be right over.

282. Listen, don't call the police.

283. If this gets into the newspapers, the scandal will ruin me in show business.

284. - You got it! - I mean it.

285. - I won't call the police. - Lyle!

286. I won't call the police.

287. I'm finally on the ledge

288. I'm finally on the edge of my life

289. When the tears won't even come

290. When the pain is so big

291. I'm finally on the edge of my...

292. Mr. Clarke? Take it easy.

293. Damn it!

294. - Take it easy. Take it easy. - Take it easy. Take it easy.

295. How you doing, Mr. Clarke?

296. Come on in, Mr. Clarke. Make your phone call in here.

297. No!

298. - Hey! - Excuse me!

299. - Get over here. Hey! - Hold it! Captain!

300. Don't you think Daddy doesn't feel blue and I don't feel blue sometimes,

301. but I know that tomorrow is another day.

302. And the sun will come out tomorrow.

303. Hold it, pal. Who are you?

304. Lyle Rogers. I'm his best friend.

305. Mr. Rogers, have you any idea how lucky this boy is?

306. He didn't want to live with us in Queens.

307. Come on, don't turn away from Mama. Come on.

308. There's another one! Look!

309. Give me your hand. Give me your hand.

310. Hold on, Hawk, I'm coming.

311. Don't come any closer, Lyle. And don't call me Hawk.

312. I told you not to tell anyone.

313. I know, but I was scared I couldn't get here on time.

314. - Don't be mad at me, Chuck. - Charles.

315. It's Rabbi Pierce, Charles.

316. Oh, my God, Rabbi Pierce is here.

317. Charles, you remember Rabbi Pierce.

318. Chuck, I know how bad you feel, but there's people in this world

319. worse off than you.

320. Poor people, sick people.

321. People who haven't got anybody to go out on a ledge for them.

322. Come on, give me your hand.

323. Come on, Chuck.

324. Take a little step here.

325. Take a step.

326. Take a couple steppies. Come on.

327. A couple little steppies. Attaboy.

328. Okay.

329. - Okay. - All right.

330. - Lyle. - Yeah?

331. Easy!

332. Lyle.

333. - Are you disappointed in me? - No.

334. No, I mean because I'm not the kind of guy that you thought I was.

335. You are the kind of guy I thought you were.

336. I'm not, Lyle.

337. I lived with my parents till I was 32.

338. I've just dribbled my life away.

339. Hey, it takes a lot of nerve to have nothing at your age.

340. Don't you understand that?

341. Yeah, most guys would be ashamed, but you've got the guts to just say,

342. "To hell with it."

343. You say that you'd rather have nothing than settle for less.

344. Understand?

345. I've never thought of it that way.

346. - Yes. - Lyle.

347. Lyle.

348. What do you say we get this show on the road?

349. Honduras?

350. Morocco. It's safer.

351. Professor. Professor Barnes!

352. Are you absolutely certain that this is a map of Ishtar?

353. I'm positive.

354. I am proficient in 7th-century Kufic. This map is incredible.

355. It speaks of a time of upheaval when two messengers

356. will appear in Ishtar.

357. And through them, the poor and lonely will rise up,

358. and the mighty will be humbled.

359. It's uncanny, isn't it? It speaks of two messengers.

360. And now we two have found it, just as it foretold.

361. Don't be a fool, Omar.

362. - Please. - We are not two messengers.

363. We're two archeologists who found a map

364. which if it is authenticated, could start a holy war

365. that would enflame the entire Middle East. Ishtar is on the brink of revolution now.

366. There's someone outside the tent.

367. Take it.

368. Hide it.

369. I have hidden it, Shirra. I can't tell you where over the phone.

370. - I will meet you. - When?

371. Omar?

372. Wait.

373. Omar?

374. Omar?

375. You will not find it.

376. Now no one will find it

377. except the two messengers of God.

378. - Hello, romance - Hello, adventure

379. I'm having the time of my life

380. It's the most fun I've had so far

381. Hello, Morocco

382. You're more than a country

383. You're even a state of mind

384. I need a pencil.

385. Ladies and gentlemen, all passengers holding tickets for Morocco,

386. please consult your Air Canary agent inside the terminal.

387. We are about to begin the descent into Ishtar.

388. Coming here is gonna change our lives, you know?

389. Excuse me, I'm an American. Just let me ask you one question.

390. I'll find an Air Canary agent. You watch the luggage.

391. Okay, see if you can get some coffee.

392. Ask how much it is before you pay for it.

393. All right.

394. Attention. Attention. A military curfew is in effect throughout Ishtar.

395. All persons on the streets after dark are subject to search and arrest.

396. Please help me.

397. Look, I'm with someone. She's in the bathroom.

398. I beg you. I'm in desperate need.

399. Well, look... I'm...

400. Really, I'm very flattered, but I'm straight.

401. I'm not proud of it and I'm not ashamed of it.

402. I mean, I respect your way of life, but... It just isn't mine.

403. That doesn't mean that mine is any better or any worse...

404. - Look at what you have. - I am a woman.

405. - Yes. - I beg you to do me a favor.

406. You look like a man who's not afraid of adventure.

407. Perhaps even welcomes it.

408. Your life is in danger, right?

409. Yes. How did you know?

410. I am a dead woman if I'm recognized and I must get to Marrakech today.

411. - You want my passport, right? - Yes.

412. And your jacket.

413. And the contents of your suitcase in exchange for mine.

414. - It means my life. - You see,

415. the thing is, I gotta be in Marrakech by Saturday.

416. Today's Friday.

417. The American embassy will issue you another passport in a few hours.

418. I will meet you tonight in Marrakech.

419. Look, let me just check this out with someone.

420. No! Above all, you must tell no one of this. No one.

421. Not even your wife.

422. I'm not married.

423. What is your name?

424. Hawk. It's short for The Hawk.

425. There was a little incident with a gang, you know, a lucky shot...

426. The name just stuck.

427. The Hawk.

428. It is a very bold name.

429. A brave name.

430. But perhaps this is too much to ask, even of a man with so brave a name.

431. Is it?

432. Does The Hawk fly?

433. Chuck?

434. Chuck!

435. Hi. Hi, how are you?

436. - What'd you do, go shopping? - No, I... Yeah.

437. No kidding. Nice jacket.

438. Now, see, I'd look like a truck in that jacket.

439. Listen...

440. - What? - My passport's gone.

441. - What? - But don't get panicky.

442. I lost my passport. But we'll report it to the embassy,

443. I'll get another one right away. It's no big deal.

444. Attention. Attention. A military curfew is in effect...

445. Not on Friday and not in Ishtar.

446. You're lucky the planes are flying.

447. This country's on the brink of civil war.

448. No, no! This is it! This is the end!

449. - Calm down, Lyle. - We're gonna lose our booking.

450. We're gonna be canceled. We're gonna be fired.

451. We're gonna be stuck here in Ishtar with no money, no job!

452. Oh, my God, what have I done? I don't believe me!

453. It was just an accident.

454. Lyle, you gotta go to Marrakech without me.

455. - Who, me? - Yeah.

456. - You gotta do a single until I get there. - A what?

457. - A single. - We were hired as a team.

458. Yes, but now they don't have anyone. One of us is better than nothing.

459. Lyle, you can do it. Sing Simon & Garfunkel. You're a big talent.

460. Please don't make me responsible for ruining our careers.

461. I can't handle it.

462. Lyle, we're almost broke.

463. All persons on the streets after dark are subject to search and arrest.

464. - How much is it? - Twenty hundred klimsas.

465. - Twenty hundred? - Yeah.

466. How can it be twenty hundred...

467. Twenty hundred klimsas.

468. Okay, that's 1,500, right? I'm not gonna have enough.

469. Thousand five hundred and fifty, 60, 70, 80, 90...

470. - Sixteen hundred. 1,610, 20... - Welcome, sir.

471. That's all right. I'll take my own bag.

472. - Please let me get my own bag. - No problem.

473. - How about the tip? - I don't have it.

474. Please let me get my own bag! Please, can I get my own bag, because...

475. Oh, God! What have I done?

476. - Hi. - Yeah.

477. How are you doing? I'm Jim Harrison.

478. I heard there was another American in the hotel, I thought I'd buy you dinner.

479. - I'm from New York. - Me, too.

480. - Yeah? - Yeah, great.

481. Great meeting you. I'm starved.

482. You see, Jim, all the big record companies wanna sign us for an album,

483. but right now, we're just refining our songs, you know?

484. So we don't get ripped off by people like Simon & Garfunkel

485. and, you know, Springsteen.

486. So we do it in Morocco.

487. Then it's ours.

488. You know, you're the first guy in show business I've met over here.

489. Do me a favor. Do me a favor.

490. Do an autograph for my kid.

491. Here. Come on.

492. - Yeah, sure. - Just write "To Jim."

493. Yeah.

494. - I really appreciate it. - Sure. My pleasure.

495. - Jim? - Yeah.

496. - That's a nice pen. - Keep it.

497. - No, no, no, you... - Keep it. Go ahead.

498. Keep it, keep it!

499. You can buy me a drink when I get to Morocco.

500. So, what are you doing here, Jim?

501. I'm with the ClA.

502. - Interesting work? - It's okay.

503. It's a little rough right now because the communists are trying to instigate a coup

504. against the Emir and take over Ishtar.

505. Why?

506. That's how it works.

507. Today they get Ishtar, tomorrow they get North Africa.

508. Why?

509. That's how it works.

510. Every once in a while, an American comes over,

511. and we ask him to keep his eyes and ears open for us

512. and we pay him a little something.

513. You'd be surprised how many harmless conversations

514. are really the first step toward recruiting agents

515. for left-wing organizations.

516. A guy comes up to you and he starts talking

517. about poverty and injustice in Ishtar. And there is poverty and injustice in Ishtar.

518. Of course.

519. He could be sincere. He could be saying exactly what he means...

520. - Sure. - Or he could be feeling you out.

521. - That's right. That's right. - Right.

522. To see if he can dupe you into becoming an agent

523. for a so-called "people's movement."

524. So when you say that you pay them a little something?

525. $150 a week. It's not much,

526. but you can't really put a price on democracy.

527. - No. - No.

528. Although $150 a week is a start.

529. And now, from the team of Rogers & Clarke,

530. Rogers!

531. Thank you. Thank you very much.

532. Thank you, thank you.

533. I'd like to sing a few songs tonight from the Simon & Garfunkel songbook.

534. Hey, I'm glad you like them, too.

535. So you just call out your favorite Simon & Garfunkel songs and...

536. Fascination.

537. That old Black Magic.

538. That's Amore.

539. The Yellow Rose of Texas.

540. Memories.

541. Y.M.C.A.

542. Thank you very much. Now, see if you remember this one.

543. As Time Goes By.

544. This guy keeps on playing.

545. - What about That's Amore? - Yeah!

546. That's Amore.

547. Ladies and gentlemen, Lyle Rogers!

548. Thank you, I'm Chuck Clarke.

549. How did you get here? It's not Monday.

550. I met this guy in Ishtar who had pull at the embassy.

551. Lyle, listen to that hand! We're a hit!

552. I am Ahmad bin Ali. I'm the caid of Assari.

553. It was I that called out for the Yellow Rose of Texas.

554. Perhaps you would care to entertain at my worthless palace.

555. - I just loved you. - Thank you. Thank you.

556. I bet we could have any woman in this club.

557. Not me. Women don't like me.

558. Maybe I'll just go to sleep now, I don't know.

559. Yeah, why don't you get some sleep?

560. I think I'm gonna drive around for a while,

561. try to come down off this high.

562. Tomorrow night, we'll sing our songs.

563. Hold it, buddy!

564. All right, pal. What do you think you're doing?

565. What is that? What have you got?

566. You're the guy who stole Chuck's passport.

567. I found it.

568. Then when I asked around, I was told that the owner was staying here.

569. What do you think I am, boy? A fool?

570. Don't try it, don't try it! I'll kill you in a fight.

571. Boy, you're soft, pal. You are soft.

572. I'm telling the truth.

573. You think I'm a big, dumb hick American, don't you?

574. Now I'm gonna turn you over to the police, boy!

575. They'll put me in jail. My family will starve.

576. Don't hand me that crap. I don't believe a word of it...

577. Oh, my God.

578. Get away from me, boy. Get away. Stay back. Stay back!

579. I'm warning you.

580. Now, I didn't hit you hard because I'm bigger than you are,

581. but don't try it again.

582. How old are you, 15? What, your voice is still changing.

583. You're just a kid.

584. What kind of life is this, breaking into hotel rooms, robbing people,

585. kissing guys on the mouth?

586. Don't you think you ought to be trying something younger?

587. Yes, but poverty has made me old.

588. I don't have a lot of cash, but why don't you take this?

589. And buy yourself something that's fun.

590. Get yourself a nice kite or a fishing pole.

591. Did your daddy ever take you fishing?

592. My father is dead.

593. I have no one to protect me.

594. That's tough for a boy, not having a father.

595. - Here, get up. - Listen to me.

596. Your roommate is a ClA agent. The room may be wired.

597. He gave me his passport in Ishtar.

598. - Are these breasts? - Listen to me.

599. You have seen Ishtar, you have see the poverty,

600. the injustice, the death squads.

601. These are the things the ClA supports by keeping Emir Yousef in power.

602. For God's sake!

603. Forget my body.

604. I am begging you to give me the chance to overthrow a tyrant.

605. Please.

606. You are kind.

607. The privation and torture of thousands can end

608. if you will return the contents of my suitcase to me.

609. Where are they?

610. In there.

611. I gave them to your roommate when we exchanged jackets.

612. No, no, no, you got that all wrong.

613. Chuck bought that jacket and he lost his passport.

614. And he's not a ClA agent, he's a songwriter.

615. Yes, then why am I wearing his jacket?

616. Look at it, it is his jacket.

617. Where did I get his passport?

618. How did he get to Morocco in only 24 hours?

619. Why is he accepting money from the ClA?

620. Boy, you got a lot of tricks, don't you?

621. First you're a guy and you got Chuck's passport.

622. Then you're a girl and you got his jacket.

623. That is a warning. I beg you, say nothing of this visit.

624. It means my life.

625. If you decide I'm telling the truth, go to the camel market in Shali Benimal.

626. Shali Benimal?

627. - And find Mohamad. - Mohamad.

628. Tell him that you wish to buy a blind camel.

629. - A blind camel. - He will contact me.

630. Contact you?

631. The dome of the Emir's palace in Ishtar is gold.

632. The people have never seen a refrigerator.

633. Shali Benimal. Ask for Mohamad. Tell him I wanna buy a blind camel.

634. A blind camel.

635. Good evening, sir.

636. I'm sorry. I turned left on Mukamal Haifa Boulevard, but I ended up on...

637. It's only been an hour, it's all right.

638. I'm sorry.

639. Tens, fives, ones. As you requested.

640. I feel a little funny not telling Lyle about this. You know what I mean?

641. Where do I say I got the money from?

642. Don't tell him about the money.

643. I would never hold out on Lyle.

644. You're holding out on him now.

645. You didn't tell him you were coming to this meeting.

646. You told him you were going for a drive.

647. Well, yeah, that's because...

648. - How do you know what I told him? - The pen.

649. - What, this pen? - It's a microphone.

650. - You bugged me? - Yeah.

651. I had to, Chuck. We had to make sure you didn't know what was involved

652. when you helped Shirra Assel get out of Ishtar.

653. - Shirra? Assel? - Chuck.

654. Shirra Assel arrived in Marrakech last night using your passport.

655. Please, don't deny it.

656. Miss Assel is a left-wing agent.

657. Her brother was killed three days ago when he found a map

658. that could destabilize the entire Middle East.

659. It could certainly cost us Ishtar and we can't afford that, Chuck,

660. especially since Morocco signed a pact with Gaddafi.

661. Is that near here?

662. Gaddafi's a person. He rules Libya.

663. Oh, yeah.

664. But that's near here, isn't it?

665. Libya?

666. Yeah, Libya's near here. Yeah.

667. Every intelligence agency that has ties to the Middle East

668. is interested in this map.

669. We strongly believe that Shirra Assel has it,

670. and we've got to find her quickly before they do.

671. Here's the thing, Jim. I don't know where she is.

672. I believe you, Chuck, I believe you.

673. But we think your roommate does.

674. - Lyle? Rogers? - Yes.

675. We have reason to believe that Lyle Rogers is a left-wing agent.

676. Jim, get off this road. You're heading straight for wa-wa land.

677. Chuck, while I was waiting for you here,

678. Shirra Assel was spotted leaving your hotel room.

679. When she left, her clothes were torn, her shirt was out,

680. she was breathing heavily.

681. We feel fairly certain that there was a sexual encounter

682. between Shirra Assel and Lyle.

683. And that Lyle was recruited as a left-wing agent when they...

684. Don't be silly. Lyle's not a communist. He's from the South.

685. And I don't think she's that kind of girl.

686. She's a suspected terrorist.

687. Granted, but that doesn't mean she sleeps around.

688. And how come you don't know what happened in that hotel room?

689. Why didn't you bug it?

690. - We couldn't. - Why?

691. Who booked you in there, anyway?

692. - Our hotel? - Yeah.

693. Marty Freed, our agent.

694. Marty Freed, independent agent.

695. What do you know about him?

696. What do you know about Mr. Freed?

697. Here's the money. I don't think I wanna do this.

698. You just think it over, you decide what you wanna tell me.

699. Here's a beeper. You can get in touch with me just by using that.

700. - It's solid silver. - Well, I'm not gonna be using...

701. Solid silver?

702. I go to the camel market in Shali Benimal, I ask for Mohamad

703. and tell him I wanna buy a blind camel.

704. He will contact her.

705. I go to the camel market in Shali Benimal, ask for Mohamad

706. and tell him I wanna buy a blind camel. He will contact her.

707. - Hi. - Hi.

708. I was...

709. I was wondering who lived here.

710. You ever wonder that about old houses? Who lives in them?

711. I was just coming back to get you.

712. I just ran out to get you.

713. I was going for a walk.

714. I thought you wanted to take the car because the keys were gone.

715. Well, let's...

716. Let's walk.

717. It's funny, isn't it? You never appreciate your own country till you leave it.

718. - Where'd you go? - Just looking.

719. I'm talking to you.

720. I hear you.

721. You know that in Russia communists can't go into business.

722. Did you know that in Ishtar the dome of the Emir's palace is gold?

723. And the people have never seen a refrigerator?

724. Did you know that Gaddafi has signed a pact with Morocco?

725. I can't believe these men may control the fate of the Middle East.

726. And I'll tell you another thing.

727. - Spices for the mind? - No.

728. - Kif? Hashish? - No thanks.

729. - Hashish? - Good stuff, yes.

730. No, no thanks.

731. Need a guide? I'm Abdul. Whatever you think it's worth.

732. - No, thanks. - I have a sister in the United States.

733. - You know Philadelphia? - Think we're turning here.

734. You need a guide? Whatever you think it's worth.

735. This is the old city. Don't look at the shopkeepers!

736. Don't advise us. We don't want to be advised.

737. We're not paying you, okay?

738. My uncle sells rugs in the next souk.

739. I can get you a price.

740. Don't hustle me. I'm from New York. I'm in show business.

741. The KGB is here. I recognize two agents.

742. - The ones dressed as Texans? - No.

743. The ones dressed as Arabs.

744. The ones dressed as Texans are Arab agents.

745. I also recognize two guys from Turkish intelligence.

746. - In the Hawaiian shirts? - No, Bermuda shorts.

747. The ones in the Hawaiian shirts are tourists.

748. It's too bad you don't have a girl. These would make such nice presents.

749. Yeah?

750. - Who you gonna give yours to? - My mother.

751. 25 dirham more.

752. Too bad you can't afford something better for your mother.

753. You ought to try socking some money away.

754. Behave normally. We have guns pointed at your back.

755. No, don't put your hands up, you idiot!

756. Walk out casually talking to us. Come on.

757. Red-Fez-Alert. Birds are being netted. Hunters unknown.

758. Repeat, hunters unknown.

759. - Where are you from? - Ponder, Texas.

760. I'm from near there. You know Vermont?

761. You all right?

762. Come on!

763. - Coming through. Excuse me. - We're coming through.

764. - This is the residential section. - You're hired!

765. You get us out of here alive, you'll get double your price.

766. Whatever you think it's worth.

767. Oh, my God!

768. This is the shop of my uncle, the rug dealer.

769. Let's go.

770. Come, my friends. Quickly, this way.

771. When they find out you are not in rugs, they may come back.

772. Go! Quickly! Go, go!

773. Abdul, hold my legs!

774. My car is parked at the other end of the medina.

775. Come on, come on, hurry!

776. Where are we going?

777. The camel market, Shali Benimal!

778. Attention. Attention. A military curfew is in effect throughout Ishtar.

779. All persons on the streets after dark are subject to search and arrest.

780. Jim Harrison.

781. - Your Excellency. - My old friend. Good to see you.

782. - How nice to see you. - Good to see you.

783. - Mint tea? - No, thanks.

784. - Kahwa? - No, thanks.

785. - Pepsi-Cola? - No.

786. Thanks for your overwhelming hospitality.

787. Please be seated.

788. I've got a helicopter waiting. May I speak briskly?

789. Please.

790. A little while ago, your men tried to kill two Americans in Marrakech.

791. What? I am shocked and saddened. Who were they?

792. They were your men. They were using the Kalashnikov rifles we sold you.

793. No, no, I mean, who were the Americans?

794. Your Excellency, must we go through this?

795. These men are pawns.

796. Their only use is as a link to Shirra Assel and the map.

797. Jim, I know nothing of any of this.

798. However, when two Americans on their way to Marrakech

799. arrive in Ishtar by way of Air Canary

800. and within minutes make contact with the most hunted fugitive in the country

801. and give her a passport, I would hardly call them pawns.

802. - They're pawns. - Soon, their escape will be called a miracle!

803. Next, they will be hailed as the two messengers of God.

804. - Your Excellency... - You do not understand.

805. Please, be seated.

806. What you are dealing with here, these are fanatical devout Shiites

807. for whom this map is a sign to rise up against me.

808. Your Excellency.

809. May I speak?

810. Please.

811. Your Excellency, what good will it do if we neutralize these two Americans?

812. - The map will still exist. - Yes, but they won't.

813. I see.

814. Once the people see that God does not work miracles for those who oppose me

815. but that they are executed as ordinary political prisoners...

816. No. If two Americans die,

817. it has to be unofficially.

818. Congress will have a fit if they find out there's another ClA hit list.

819. How they die is unimportant,

820. as long as their bodies do not disappear, I want no more rumors.

821. And it has to be done by next weekend.

822. I am planning to meet with Gaddafi on Wednesday.

823. He calls me every day.

824. The United States government will not be blackmailed.

825. However, I see no difficulty in meeting your timetable.

826. Here we are. Camel market. Shali Benimal.

827. I'll be back in a while.

828. All right, I'll be here.

829. Where are you going?

830. I wanna keep an eye on him, make sure he doesn't get into trouble.

831. Sorry. Excuse me.

832. Excuse me.

833. Sorry, I can't talk that. Excuse me, is this a hotel?

834. Mohamad?

835. - I am Mohamad. - I am Mohamad.

836. You're kidding? You're Mohamad? First time up, I hit a home run.

837. I wanna buy a blind camel.

838. I'm American. Do you speak English?

839. - English? - English?

840. I am speaking English. You tell me, I tell him.

841. Thank you. Would you tell him I want to buy a blind camel?

842. A blind camel.

843. He will find you a blind camel.

844. He also knows of a camel which has a crippled leg and no teeth.

845. He will sell you both for a special price.

846. Would you like a dead camel?

847. No, no. Just tell him I wanna buy a blind camel.

848. He'll know what I mean.

849. So your friend told you about Mohamad and you, no doubt, told the ClA.

850. That's what I thought might happen.

851. - I've been looking for you. - Why?

852. Is your life in danger again? What do you need this time, a donor heart?

853. I want the contents of my suitcase.

854. Sure. Here.

855. It's in my room at the Chez Casablanca. Help yourself.

856. Don't play with me. I'm not such a fool!

857. Half an hour after you left this morning, I broke into your room

858. and I stole the suitcase. The map was not in it.

859. Is that where the map was?

860. Gave it to Jim Harrison, didn't you? ClA has it?

861. No, I didn't tell them about the suitcase.

862. You're lying. You went through the suitcase, you found the map!

863. You found the map! You gave it to Jim Harrison!

864. Hey, shoot me or lower your voice and stop throwing Jim Harrison up to me.

865. The only reason Jim Harrison hired me

866. was because you recruited Lyle as a communist.

867. I gave you my passport. I carried all your stuff out of Ishtar.

868. Why didn't you recruit me as a communist? Wasn't I good enough?

869. I don't know what you're talking about.

870. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, forget it. What's done is done.

871. Lyle is your communist, so go bother him. I don't care anymore.

872. Can you be telling the truth?

873. Hey, you have a right to pick who you want.

874. It's a free country. No thanks to you and Lyle.

875. My God.

876. Oh, my God.

877. You are telling the truth.

878. - Listen to me. - Hey, don't sit on the bed.

879. It's too late for that now.

880. The things in that suitcase, they came from my brother's room.

881. I packed them the night he was killed.

882. He called me on the phone.

883. When I got to his room, he was dead. Poor Omar.

884. He was smiling.

885. I knew... I knew he was smiling

886. because he had hidden the map where no one could find it.

887. He was smiling at me.

888. It was our last secret.

889. I knew from what he said on the phone that he had hidden the map

890. somewhere in his things.

891. I grabbed them all, I put them in his suitcase

892. and I put on his clothes

893. so I would look like a boy

894. and I ran.

895. I was hunted almost from the start.

896. I never even had a chance to look through the things I had packed.

897. When I met you at the airport, you were my last hope.

898. Gee, I wish there was something I could do.

899. There is. Please tell no one I don't have the map.

900. It means my life.

901. That means your life, too?

902. I am a member of the party that opposes the Emir.

903. It means the life of anyone in Ishtar.

904. Without the map, I'll be killed on sight.

905. No kidding? Does the ClA know this?

906. Hawk,

907. this is an ancient, devious world,

908. and you come from a young country.

909. Promise me you will keep my secret without trying to understand it?

910. Sure. If it means your life.

911. Perhaps...

912. Maybe one day we will meet again.

913. One day? Are you kidding? We'll meet every day.

914. It's only the beginning.

915. You're a true American.

916. I knew you were a nice girl.

917. Chuck? Hi.

918. I bought a few things. Here's a hand-dyed Tuareg gown here.

919. This is a keffiyeh, like this is a keffiyeh,

920. and here is a red scarf I got for practically nothing.

921. What are you doing with a camel?

922. That's a long story. He's another one of the things I bought.

923. - What do you mean? - Well...

924. - You bought a camel? - Well, yeah...

925. Well, no, I didn't actually buy him, they sold him to me.

926. Come on, buddy. Easy, boy. Easy, boy.

927. What the hell's the matter with him? Is he blind?

928. Well, yeah, he is, but he's in perfect condition.

929. They used him for drawing well water up a track.

930. Lyle, are you crazy?

931. I'm not supposed to have him permanently, I don't think. It's just...

932. I think it's, kind of, a sign.

933. Lyle, get rid of the camel, let's get you out of the sun.

934. Well, the sun can't hurt me, I got my keffiyeh.

935. Oh, God. I got a feeling something went wrong

936. and now I own a blind camel.

937. - Lyle. - I own a blind camel.

938. Lyle, put this over your face. Keep your head down.

939. Keep walking and don't talk loud.

940. Why? What's the matter?

941. - What are they doing here? - I think they're looking for us.

942. - I think you're right. - Give me that scarf.

943. Okay.

944. Take it behind the hump and put it on.

945. Hold her steady.

946. I can't hold her too tight because it hurts her tooth.

947. Loosen the rope. Loosen the rope. Don't let her scream.

948. Yeah, okay.

949. You all right?

950. Are you all right?

951. Yeah, fine.

952. Here, take this gown and take it behind that building there and put it on.

953. The guy that sold you that camel has probably described you down to your socks.

954. Give me the rope.

955. You gotta hold it down. He doesn't like it when you hold it up.

956. He's got a bad tooth.

957. Will you go?

958. - How much for the camel? - Jim!

959. Keep your voice down. Point at the camel as we speak.

960. - How did you find us? - The beeper.

961. You mean this thing is a bug, too?

962. Only at close range. We use it basically to track with.

963. The men in straw hats are members of Emir Yousef's army.

964. They're trying to kill you.

965. I thought Emir Yousef was our guy?

966. He is. He is,

967. but he doesn't like the idea of your friend dealing with a known communist.

968. Don't touch his mouth. One of his teeth is bad.

969. Jim, I'd like to go over the Shirra Assel situation with you.

970. As one agent to another, I've heard the Emir is a prick.

971. Really? Well, we'll have to look into that.

972. But the main thing is to get you out of town before you're recognized.

973. Do you know anything about the desert?

974. Yeah. That's where Las Vegas is. Cute, huh?

975. That is cute, yeah. "That's where Las Vegas is."

976. That's a good one. I'll have to remember that.

977. You can stop pointing now.

978. Stand up.

979. There's two canteens and a compass in here.

980. Two canteens, compass.

981. You and Lyle walk out of town, walk southeast.

982. Southeast.

983. In a couple of hours, you'll run into the Harridan oasis.

984. Harridan oasis.

985. - How do we know... - You'll know it. You can't miss it.

986. We'll pick you up there. Move the camel.

987. Move the camel.

988. - The camel. Move the camel. - Move the camel. Where?

989. Anywhere. He's on my foot.

990. Sorry.

991. What the hell's the matter with that camel?

992. - Is he blind? - Yeah.

993. Jim, I'd like to go over these directions with you once more

994. before Lyle comes back.

995. He promised he would say nothing. He gave me his word.

996. And 20 minutes later, Jim Harrison appeared here?

997. Shirra, we have no choice.

998. It is a pity you told him we don't have the map, but you did.

999. If he talks, we'll all be dead by tomorrow. And our families.

1000. God help me.

1001. Shirra, do you dare risk all our lives for them?

1002. - No. - It is terrible

1003. to send two men into the desert to die.

1004. No, it is better to kill two men than 200.

1005. But it is much harder.

1006. Do not turn around. Take these.

1007. Give me the cloth. I'll wrap it around your head as we speak.

1008. Your life is in danger.

1009. Take your friend and start walking into the desert.

1010. Drop the beads as you go.

1011. When you cannot see the town anymore, stop.

1012. Wait until night and then follow the beads back.

1013. They are golamine beads. They glow in the dark.

1014. Could I have a map instead?

1015. There is no map of the desert.

1016. Everyone uses golamine beads.

1017. How do you know they'll stay there? What about birds and wind?

1018. The birds in the desert eat only flesh and there is no wind.

1019. Will you still be here when we get back?

1020. Yes, I will be here. Go quickly, now.

1021. I think about you all the time.

1022. Sometimes I imagine you dressed like a girl.

1023. - We're walking along... - We'll talk about it tonight.

1024. Go now.

1025. It is done.

1026. How come you're dropping beads?

1027. How come you're dropping beads? Your necklace is too heavy?

1028. No, I'm making a trail. That's what they do when they come out here

1029. they drop these beads, and then, when it gets dark, they shine

1030. and they can follow them all the way back to town.

1031. What if they want to just go forward?

1032. Oh, well, then the beads don't help.

1033. So I guess it's a good idea that I bought a compass.

1034. - You bought a compass? - Yeah.

1035. - When? - When I got the canteens.

1036. - You bought canteens? - Yeah.

1037. Take one sip at a time. That water has to last you about another 48 minutes.

1038. - Why? What happens in 48 minutes? - We run out of water.

1039. No, seriously, though,

1040. I hear there's an oasis

1041. about an hour and a half outside of Shali Benimal. Come on.

1042. I don't think it's smart to keep walking out here in the desert.

1043. We'll be there in a minute. If you're tired, ride the camel.

1044. Ride it?

1045. How do I get up on it?

1046. Here, I'll give you a boost.

1047. This way, boy! This way, boy!

1048. This way, boy! This way!

1049. How long before they're inoperative?

1050. Well, they're going southeast, so the sun's gonna get stronger.

1051. By tonight, they'll be out of water, miles from the well.

1052. Tomorrow morning, they should stop moving.

1053. And by tomorrow afternoon, they should be dead.

1054. That's a funny pattern. Are they drunk?

1055. No, the camel's blind.

1056. - You're kidding? - No.

1057. - You okay? - Yeah.

1058. - You comfortable? - Yeah.

1059. - Okay? - Yeah.

1060. I can't understand. We should've hit that oasis seven minutes ago.

1061. I can't even see the town anymore.

1062. No, we can't stop now. We're gonna hit it any minute.

1063. Come on, now. Come on.

1064. - We'll be there in minutes. - I really got to stop.

1065. Want some water? Let me give you a little water.

1066. Wait, wait. What's the matter?

1067. - It's... - What's the matter?

1068. It's hot today.

1069. Chuck!

1070. What happened?

1071. Hold on, Hawk! Hold on! I'm coming.

1072. Oh, no!

1073. Chuck! Chuck, get up!

1074. No, no, no, no! No, no, no! Not dead. Just resting!

1075. Bad bird! Bad! Bad! Bad!

1076. Hold on, Hawk.

1077. Hold on, I'm coming. I'm coming.

1078. Oh, no.

1079. Hawk, hold on, I'm coming.

1080. Are you crazy? I'm moving.

1081. Hawk.

1082. Just wait a minute. Here. Just drink a little bit of this.

1083. Don't spill it, Hawk. Don't spill it. Come on, that's it. All right. Okay.

1084. Is this the oasis?

1085. - Does this look like an oasis to you? - Yeah. Look at the birds.

1086. - Are those vultures? - Yeah. You fainted.

1087. They thought you were dead.

1088. - You mean they're here on spec? - Yeah.

1089. I think it's very important not to let yourself get too run down when you come out here.

1090. We just can't afford to walk around looking for an oasis. Do you understand?

1091. I don't understand it. It was just an hour and a half outside of Shali Benimal.

1092. - You can't miss it. - Who told you that?

1093. - Who told you that? - I can't remember.

1094. Well, we missed it. So here's to my beads.

1095. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you crazy? That's our only water.

1096. So what? We're gonna be back in Shali Benimal in a little while.

1097. It's gonna be night. You don't need water at night.

1098. Lyle. Lyle, are you sure it's safe to count on a lot of beads in the desert

1099. - for a trail? - Yeah.

1100. - What if there's a big wind? - There is no wind in the desert.

1101. - Who told you that? - I can't remember.

1102. I see.

1103. - To the beads. - To the beads.

1104. We will leave for Ishtar tomorrow morning, and you are coming with us, Professor.

1105. Hasad and I will take over the transmitter

1106. and we'll broadcast as the two messengers of God

1107. and promise the Shiites that if they rise up, the Emir will fall as prophesied.

1108. - I see. - You will be there to verify it.

1109. It'll be rather difficult to do without the map, won't it?

1110. By the time we are asked to produce it, Ishtar will be ours.

1111. You'll be slaughtered.

1112. A few hundred guerrillas and a mob of angry Shiites

1113. against an army trained and equipped by the Americans?

1114. You underestimate us, Professor.

1115. We have a network of mercenaries, tribesmen,

1116. - all starting for Ishtar tonight. - Armed?

1117. The desert is filled with dealers in black-market arms.

1118. They will be armed.

1119. Well, you appear to have thought of everything.

1120. Except the possibility that the two Americans will survive

1121. and let out that you don't have the map.

1122. I have thought of that, too.

1123. That is why I put a price of 20,000 dirham on their heads this afternoon.

1124. If they survive the desert, they will not survive that.

1125. - You are a murderer. - And what are you?

1126. Or do you think a bullet is crueler than what they face now?

1127. It's getting nippy.

1128. - I don't see any beads shining, do you? - Well, it isn't dark yet.

1129. - Oh, my God! - What?

1130. - We're gonna miss our show! - Oh, no!

1131. Oh, yes! Yes!

1132. - Shit! - Yes. Well, well, well.

1133. That is it, isn't it? Now we're gonna get blackballed at the Chez Casablanca.

1134. We're never gonna work in Morocco again.

1135. They're gonna call Marty, word's gonna get out.

1136. We will never get another booking. What have you done?

1137. - What have I done? You're blaming me? - Yes, I am!

1138. - On me? - On you! You're a spy.

1139. That's how come everybody's trying to kill us.

1140. This is a joke. You think those guys are after us because they think I'm a spy, huh?

1141. Those guys are after us because they think that you know where Shirra Assel's map is!

1142. - Who is Shirra Assel's map? - Come on!

1143. Don't play sucker games with me!

1144. You're not selling watered-down gas to some schmuck in Ponder, Texas!

1145. This is the Hawk talking! What? You think I don't know

1146. that you spent a half-hour with Shirra Assel in our hotel room?

1147. Is she the guy with your jacket and your passport that you told me you lost in Ishtar?

1148. Yeah. And I suppose you don't know what her name is?

1149. - I don't. - And you don't know about the map?

1150. - What map? - "What map?"

1151. The map that could lose us Ishtar and enflame the whole Middle East.

1152. Well, that's your department. You're the guy taking money from the ClA.

1153. That money is for us.

1154. - That money is for the... - The money's for us? Well, I don't want it!

1155. I don't think it's right to take money

1156. for keeping a guy like the Emir of Ishtar in power.

1157. - He's a bad guy. - Knock it off.

1158. Brown-nosing the commies won't get you my girl.

1159. Your girl? How did she get to be your girl?

1160. Let me tell you something!

1161. If she's anybody's girl, it's the guy you're sitting in back of!

1162. You poor putz!

1163. Don't you have any sense of reality?

1164. Do you really think you can get a girl away from...

1165. - What are you crying about? - Cry?

1166. - Was I too tough on you? - I'm not crying!

1167. A piece of sand blew in my eye!

1168. Cry? You don't get it. She likes me. She gave me the golamine beads. She told...

1169. A piece of sand blew in my eye?

1170. What does this mean?

1171. This must be one of them once-in-a-lifetime things,

1172. like the glaciers melting.

1173. - This way, boy. This way. - Easy, fella. Easy.

1174. This way!

1175. Easy, fella. Easy.

1176. This son of a bitch! Now he's tired.

1177. My hips are locked.

1178. Don't do that. Hey.

1179. Don't wipe your face with that. The dye's coming off on your skin.

1180. - Who's gonna see me? - That's not the point.

1181. - Dye is carcinogenic. - You're right.

1182. - Lyle. - It's gonna be a scorcher.

1183. Lyle, Lyle. Look. Look.

1184. Get down.

1185. Could that be a mirage?

1186. - We both see it. How could it be a mirage? - You're right.

1187. Lyle.

1188. Lyle, go down to that truck and try to get us some water.

1189. But be careful, because they may be looking for us.

1190. So act like an Arab. Are you listening to me?

1191. And whatever you do, don't talk.

1192. - How can I ask for water? - Use hand gestures. Be inventive.

1193. - You do it. - I can't. Look how I'm dressed.

1194. Lyle, what is the big deal? Go on, you're just gonna ask for some water.

1195. We lost our canteens. Attaboy! Attaboy.

1196. Hey, you!

1197. You, on the top!

1198. Yeah! Are you the auctioneer?

1199. - Are you the auctioneer? - Yes.

1200. You understand English?

1201. - Do you understand English? - Yes.

1202. Great. We're in business.

1203. - Two Kalashnikovs. - Right.

1204. These babies should bring us a pretty good price.

1205. We start soon, huh, yes?

1206. Here's our boy.

1207. His name is Hakir.

1208. Thank God you're here.

1209. Listen, Hakir. These Berbers are all from different tribes with different dialects.

1210. They don't understand Arabic or each other. We don't understand them.

1211. - I hope to God you do. - Yes.

1212. - I understand all Berber dialects. - Very good.

1213. Now, we pay you 200 dirham for the job. One hundred now and 100 later.

1214. Hakir.

1215. This is not Arabic.

1216. I speak no Arabic. I am a Berber from the north of here.

1217. Early on, I was sent by my tribe to trade with other tribes

1218. the delft of our hills.

1219. There, I learned from each tribe his dialect.

1220. - And where did you learn English? - We had much delft.

1221. Even as you come here to trade, my sahkaro sent me there.

1222. You know Philadelphia?

1223. All right, go on, then.

1224. Hakir, we want you to close your eyes and put your hands by your side,

1225. and tell these men that their camels have been stolen.

1226. Pardon, I don't...

1227. With your eyes closed, and no gestures of any kind,

1228. tell this bunch, on the other side of the truck,

1229. you saw their camels being stolen, huh?

1230. - Do it! - Surely.

1231. - What was I supposed to say again? - Do it.

1232. Come on!

1233. - They understood something. - They understood everything.

1234. Some say, "Oh, my God. What?"

1235. Still others say, "But I just saw my camel. He was fine."

1236. And still others say, "What did he say?"

1237. I'm sorry, old man, but a translator who speaks all Berber dialects

1238. and English but no Arabic?

1239. - I don't believe it. This man is a fake. - Oh, no.

1240. Well, they don't seem to think so.

1241. Hakir, look.

1242. Tell these wallahs that our weapons come straight from the Saharawi desert.

1243. Tell them the Americans give the Ishtari new weapons,

1244. but these are better because they've already been tested in battle.

1245. Keep hitting the used-is-better-than-new idea.

1246. - Used is better than new. - Yeah. They'll buy it. Go on, sell them.

1247. They say they could hardly believe their ears.

1248. Do you really expect them to swallow such nach-nach?

1249. Still others just shrug and question your sanity.

1250. First the camels and then this.

1251. - Tough crew, eh? - Very tough. Berbers.

1252. Now what?

1253. They wonder when the water will be passed.

1254. Wonder when the water will be passed?

1255. Screw the water! We're not selling water! Start the bidding!

1256. Five? Five? Five?

1257. - Five! - I got five!

1258. Six? I got six? I got six!

1259. This one! Tell them about this one!

1260. Eight thousand. Eight thousand.

1261. Kareem Abdul, Kareem Abdul...

1262. Abdul-Jabbar!

1263. Twelve. Twelve thousand.

1264. He's got it. Is that 12? Let him have it.

1265. Here, here.

1266. Jim, you called it. Hasn't moved in almost 20 minutes.

1267. Right on schedule.

1268. - How's your foot? - Good, good. Better, thanks.

1269. 011-401.

1270. This is Circuit-breaker. Come in, 011-401.

1271. I read you, Circuit-breaker. This is 011-401.

1272. The expiration date is nearly due on those packages and the sender wants an lD.

1273. So track them with the chopper, and try to fly where you won't be seen.

1274. Because the Ishtari have American choppers that they're picking off gunrunners with,

1275. and we don't want to be associated with that.

1276. I think we've hit some gunrunners.

1277. Something must be wrong with the beeper. This can't be their location.

1278. - We've been sighted. - Look at them go.

1279. - Son of a bitch! - What?

1280. It's them!

1281. - Let's get the hell out of here! - They don't look dead to me.

1282. - Let's go. - American chopper, come here! Come here!

1283. - Hey! - Don't go away! No!

1284. Shit! They didn't see us.

1285. Shit.

1286. We didn't get any water.

1287. Yeah, but we got these.

1288. I bet you these babies are worth a couple of canteens.

1289. You want to drag these around till we find somebody with water?

1290. Lyle, that chopper was looking for us. I'll bet you anything.

1291. The ClA knows we're lost, because we didn't show up at the oasis.

1292. If we can just stay alive for a couple days, they'll find us.

1293. Then we can get out of here and go home. Wouldn't that be great?

1294. - Get out of here and go home. - Yeah, I wanna go home.

1295. Attention. Attention. A military curfew is in effect throughout Ishtar.

1296. All persons on the streets after dark...

1297. It has to be official!

1298. Your Excellency, I assure you,

1299. the ClA is doing everything in its power to keep you safe.

1300. We have 25,000 American advisers.

1301. The ClA! The ClA did everything in its power

1302. to keep Anwar Sadat and the Shah safe. How safe were they?

1303. Are the two American messengers of God dead yet?

1304. - I can check. - Yes, check.

1305. I want to announce their death tonight.

1306. Your Excellency, the announcement of the death of these two men...

1307. Who have made me look foolish and strengthened the belief that

1308. God has a hand in my overthrow... What of them?

1309. We would like their deaths to appear as from natural causes.

1310. A bullet in the desert is not unnatural.

1311. Especially when there are so many gunrunners and mercenaries about.

1312. Jim, the enemy of my enemies is my friend.

1313. Now, these two men are my enemies, just as Libya is yours.

1314. - Tonight. - Yes, Your Excellency.

1315. Water.

1316. My lips are on fire.

1317. With my desire

1318. For you

1319. Good song.

1320. So let me drink some water

1321. Oh, let me drink some wine

1322. If you're not my daughter

1323. Will you still be mine?

1324. What have I done with my life, Lyle?

1325. Not now, Chuck. Not now. Not now.

1326. No children. No wife.

1327. Chuck, this isn't really a good time to get depressed.

1328. You're right. I don't know what's wrong with me.

1329. - Look at the upside. - What?

1330. We're not living lives of quiet desperation.

1331. - I guess I just have the blues. - Yeah.

1332. - Hey. - What?

1333. All the folks that don't have money

1334. Are they poor? Well, sure

1335. Good rhyme.

1336. But that's not poverty, baby

1337. That's not the thought of the Have Not Blues

1338. Take it!

1339. They have not got soles on their shoes

1340. But I have not got you

1341. Yeah.

1342. This is some of our best work. You got a pencil?

1343. Come on now, Lyle. Get a pencil.

1344. Hey, I wonder if we're here.

1345. Don't lose it, Lyle. Lyle?

1346. This is really interesting.

1347. I'm not depressed anymore.

1348. It shows you where you are in terms of the sun.

1349. I mean, you don't know much about where you are in terms of where you are...

1350. Lyle, don't scare me. You're all I have.

1351. No, so help me, the lining of your jacket's a map.

1352. - Look at it. - What?

1353. You got the East there, the sun coming up. The West right there.

1354. - It is a map. - Well, yeah!

1355. This must be the map.

1356. Shirra's map. The map that everyone's been looking for.

1357. You mean, the map that could cost us Ishtar and enflame the Middle East?

1358. - Yeah. - In the lining of a jacket?

1359. Schmuck. It's not the real lining. Someone sewed it in.

1360. Look at this thread, it's all sloppy and crooked.

1361. Shirra's brother must've sewed it in.

1362. Can I give it to her with you?

1363. Yeah.

1364. That means we can't tell the ClA about it.

1365. - Well, it's not their map. - It's her map.

1366. - Yeah. - She's gone through enough.

1367. Boy, she must've gone through a lot if she found out about that wind.

1368. Yeah.

1369. - That was a weird one. - Yeah.

1370. No one. No one even mentioned it

1371. during the auction.

1372. - And they didn't shine. - What didn't?

1373. - The beads. They didn't shine. - How would you know?

1374. They were probably in Kansas five minutes after the wind hit.

1375. No, but the beads on my necklace didn't shine.

1376. They're the ones I was dropping.

1377. That's right.

1378. I don't remember them shining last night.

1379. In fact, I remember them not shining.

1380. Gee.

1381. We're approaching the target. Over.

1382. Come in as low as you can. They'll hold still for you.

1383. I want those bullets to look like they came from the ground.

1384. - They're coming into range. - Take her down.

1385. - Hey! - They see us!

1386. He's landing!

1387. Right here!

1388. Hey!

1389. - He's pointing a gun at us. - No, he's not pointing it at us.

1390. He's just riding shotgun in case there's trouble.

1391. - He's aiming at us. - Will you stop being paranoid!

1392. Run!

1393. Get away! Run! Run! Run!

1394. They're splitting. Go for the one in blue.

1395. The other's just standing there.

1396. What's happening?

1397. Run, smuck! They're trying to kill us!

1398. You mean those pricks are trying to kill us, too?

1399. Run! Run in a crooked line!

1400. Run! Keep running!

1401. Go!

1402. Run!

1403. Oh, my God! I don't believe this is happening.

1404. You're too high. Come down.

1405. No one's gonna measure whether the guy who shot them was six foot or 16!

1406. Are you serious?

1407. Two Americans shot in a desert? Of course they'll measure.

1408. This goes in here.

1409. Turn it over. Turn it over.

1410. I wish this gun was mounted.

1411. - What the... - Jesus Christ! They're firing at us!

1412. Great shot!

1413. I used to hunt every day before the tire factory opened.

1414. They're using an automatic rifle. We've been hit.

1415. Back off and take cover.

1416. I'm sending in a battle gunship. Over and out.

1417. Son of a bitch.

1418. - What's the matter with you, bitch? - Come on, now, get up!

1419. - You idiot! You wanna get killed? - Come on, move! Move!

1420. - We're trying to save your ass! - Move! Move!

1421. - Get up! Get up! - Forget it, Chuck. Come here.

1422. - They're gonna come back and kill us. - Chuck, come on.

1423. - That big, dumb, stupid-ass camel! - Let's move these.

1424. He'd rather just sit there than move!

1425. When you ask him, he'd rather get shot!

1426. Actually, I kind of admire that.

1427. - Me, too. - Yeah.

1428. Oh, boy.

1429. Here they come. Here they come.

1430. There's two of them now.

1431. - What should I take? - Take the M1, take the M1.

1432. - What's that? This one? - Right there. Yeah.

1433. Isn't this amazing?

1434. Nothing ever happened to us.

1435. I mean, Willa left me, I played a couple clubs...

1436. - Nothing to write home about. - Right.

1437. Now we're gonna die in the desert shooting helicopters.

1438. That ain't poverty. That ain't poverty.

1439. That ain't poverty, baby

1440. Folks have not got soles on their shoes

1441. We didn't need a pencil.

1442. There's a jeep moving in towards the target.

1443. Hold your fire till it passes. If it stops, neutralize it. Over.

1444. I read you, slider. I read you.

1445. Hey.

1446. Now there's a guy who wants to kill us bad enough to drive across the desert.

1447. What are you trying to do, make it look like a traffic accident?

1448. Don't shoot! It's me, your guide. Abdul!

1449. - Abdul? What are you doing here? - Looking for you.

1450. I've been looking for you all night. Fortunately, I had a paying passenger.

1451. - The jeep stopped. - Shit. Well, take them all.

1452. Be careful, one of them has got a rifle.

1453. Go!

1454. You stay with the machine gun.

1455. - What do I do? - Just aim and fire.

1456. Do you know how to use a grenade launcher?

1457. - No. - This is the trigger.

1458. Let them come in closer. When I give you the signal, stand and fire.

1459. I have brought about your deaths. We will die together.

1460. Now!

1461. Holy shit!

1462. Jim, I don't know what you had in mind, but this action is no longer covert.

1463. We're now overtly firing on two Americans and God knows who else.

1464. And they are armed to the teeth!

1465. Get out, get out, get out. The mission's over. Just get out as quick, quick...

1466. While we can still say we made a mistake. Get out.

1467. - Fuck you! - Fuck you twice!

1468. And two more from our friends!

1469. Marty. Marty, if we agree to your terms, will we get the map?

1470. I don't know anything about a map.

1471. But if anything should happen to my clients, the map is up for grabs.

1472. Here's the deal.

1473. "One, social reforms in Ishtar as dictated by Shirra Assel."

1474. Right.

1475. "Two, an immediate live-in-concert album

1476. "for Rogers & Clarke at the Chez Casablanca

1477. "to be financed and promoted worldwide by you."

1478. Promote Rogers & Clarke worldwide?

1479. No problem. Marty...

1480. Let's work together as agents, Jim.

1481. My pleasure. My pleasure. Talk to you soon.

1482. It's a disaster.

1483. The girl wants social reforms in Ishtar,

1484. which means we probably have to get rid of the Emir.

1485. But that's not the biggest problem.

1486. We've got to actually back an album with these guys

1487. and promote them worldwide! Hold on one second.

1488. Sir?

1489. We did not shoot at two Americans in the desert. We did not.

1490. Who told you that?

1491. The Secretary of State? Well, how would he know?

1492. Well, let me look into it. I'm gonna look into it right away.

1493. I'll get right back to you.

1494. Get General Westlake to get the 7th Battalion

1495. as an enthusiastic audience for a live concert.

1496. Tell him... No, no, no, don't tell him that.

1497. Tell him, "General, we've found the map.

1498. "But we don't know where it is. But we know who has it.

1499. "Shirra Assel and these two American entertainers

1500. "who somebody shot at in the desert."

1501. And we've been able to make a deal, General,

1502. but we need our own men here because if anything happens to them,

1503. the map goes to the KGB, but if Emir Yousef accepts Shirra Assel's reforms

1504. and we back their albums, they promise not to sell it to anyone else.

1505. Back their albums?

1506. I'm Shirra Assel, their friend.

1507. - I'm Abdul, their guide. - Marty Freed. I'm their agent.

1508. I'd like to get up, but I got such jet lag.

1509. Ladies and gentlemen, by popular demand, Rogers & Clarke.

1510. Applaud! Pick it up! Yeah!

1511. Applaud! Come on, come on!

1512. Hello, Ishtar, you're more than a country You're a state of mind

1513. Hello, Morocco, you're equally pretty You're never gonna get left behind

1514. - Hello, romance - Hello, adventure

1515. They wrote the music and the lyrics.

1516. Most fun I've had so far

1517. Here in Morocco, I found the spirit of Ishtar

1518. Mecca, Mecca

1519. I look to Mecca and I see

1520. The place where we live and the funny old tree

1521. That we sat under when you first said to me

1522. That's the single.

1523. And a lawnmower can do all that It's amazing

1524. I can see her standing in the backyard of my mind

1525. She cracks her knuckles

1526. And the scab that's on her knee won't go away

1527. I can see the woman waiting in her eyes and I can see the love

1528. But I can't see the Brooklyn Dodgers in LA

1529. I feel so small when I look at the stars

1530. How big is Venus?

1531. How big is Mars?

1532. I feel so small when I look at the sky

1533. How big is heaven?

1534. How big am l?

1535. Applaud!

1536. Encore!

1537. - Applaud! - Encore!

1538. Thank you very much. Thank you.

1539. Can you believe this?

1540. And now, ladies and gentlemen,

1541. this next song is for a very lovely lady of the left.

1542. This is unbelievable.

1543. What is it?

1544. I think they're wonderful.

1545. Telling the truth can be dangerous business

1546. Honest and popular don't go hand in hand

1547. If you admit that you can play the accordion

1548. No one will hire you in a rock 'n' roll band

1549. But we can sing our hearts out

1550. All night

1551. And if we're lucky then no neighbors complain

1552. Nobody knows where the beginning part starts out

1553. Sing all right

1554. But being human we can live with the pain

1555. Because life is the way

1556. We audition for God

1557. Let us pray that we all get the job

1558. Crying out loud gets you pointed and laughed at

1559. Be like a baby only babies should cry

1560. Somebody tell me how that rumor got started

1561. Some things I know that only God knows why

1562. But we can sing