1. When I was a kid,
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2. my teacher asked,
what are the three things
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3. that I would save from my house
if it were on fire.
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4. My sketchbook,
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5. my ac/do album
and my cat Groucho.
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6. I didn't mention my parents
or my sister.
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7. Of course,
most of the other kids did.
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8. Does that make me a bad person?
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9. My cat died,
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10. I lent that ac/do album
to a guy named kojo
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11. and I never saw it again.
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12. But the sketchbook I kept.
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13. Cats die.
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14. Music fades.
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15. But art is for keeps.
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16. Hey, guys,
two minutes to drop-off.
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17. Proceeding as planned.
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18. Number three, all good?
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19. All according to plan.
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20. I'm in position.
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21. Computer's online.
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22. Final approach to target.
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23. In position in five,
four, three,
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24. two, one.
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25. Number one, go, go!
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26. Open sesame in three, two, one.
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27. Proceed to step two,
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28. deactivate the security system.
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29. Six, one, three.
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30. Seven minutes and counting.
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31. There we are.
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32. Boo.
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33. That's fucking weird.
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34. Number three, come in.
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35. - Roger.
- The self-portrait isn't here.
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36. You what?
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37. I found the three other
schieles like clockwork,
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38. but no self-portrait.
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39. No self-portrait?
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40. Yeah, I'm in the master bedroom
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41. and there's another painting
where it should be.
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42. That's impossible.
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43. Go check
the video installation room.
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44. Four minutes and counting.
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45. I'm in the video
installation room.
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46. There's no paintings here.
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47. Are you sure?
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48. Uh, pretty sure.
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49. Look again.
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50. Man, the self-portrait
is not here.
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51. Where the fuck is it, then?
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52. How the fuck should I know?
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53. Maybe he took it with him
to Kazakhstan.
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54. Of course he didn't take it
to Kazakh-fucking-Stan.
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55. There's no way
he took it on a business trip.
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56. What do you want me to do?
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57. That piece was worth
three million, man.
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58. Damn it.
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59. We're out of time.
Take what you got and go.
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60. Number three, come in.
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61. I'm at the door. You hacked in?
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62. I am in.
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63. Here's the activation code.
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64. Are you ready?
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65. Ready.
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66. - Three, one,
- one.
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67. - Six, zero,
- six.
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68. - Seven, two.
- Zero, seven, two.
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69. Activate.
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70. Activate.
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71. Oh, fuck.
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72. System malfunction.
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73. What?
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74. Come on, guys.
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75. - System malfunction.
- What's happening?
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76. What's going on?
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77. I don't know
what's happening, man.
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78. I've lost access! -What
the hell? What's happening?
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79. I don't understand!
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80. Damn it!
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81. - Oh, goddamn!
- This isn't supposed to happen!
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82. System malfunction.
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83. System malfunction.
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84. System malfunction.
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85. Malfunction.
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86. System malfunction.
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87. System malfunction.
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88. Go back to that main door.
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89. - Try it now, again.
- System malfunction.
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90. System malfunction.
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91. It's locked.
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92. It won't open.
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93. - System malfunction.
- It won't open!
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94. Come in, number three! Come in!
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95. I don't know what to do, man.
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96. System malfunction.
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97. I'm sorry. You're on your own.
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98. Come in!
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99. Over and out.
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100. System malfunction.
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101. System malfunction.
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102. System malfunction.
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103. System mal...
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104. Come on, baby.
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105. Ah, here you go. Here you go.
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106. Come on.
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107. Huh?
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108. Fucking heat.
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109. Come on.
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110. Hi there.
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111. How about an egg white omelet
aux fines herbes
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112. and an avocado
and mint smoothie?
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113. Only ten percent
of your daily calor...
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114. Hi there.
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115. You are low on supplies.
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116. Consult the smart home
groceries monitor.
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117. Hi there. Friendly reminder.
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118. Do not leave
the fridge door open
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119. for longer than 20 seconds.
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120. Come in, number three.
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121. Come in, number three.
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122. Number three, come in.
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123. Hi there.
You are low on supplies.
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124. Consult the smart home
groceries monitor.
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125. There's some vodka.
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126. Party time.
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127. Number three, come in.
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128. Number three, come in.
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129. I've got the pritzker prize.
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130. What the fuck have you done?
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131. Hmm.
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132. What are you eating? Is...
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133. Oh, fuck. Ah.
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134. Oh, there she is.
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135. There you are.
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136. Hmm.
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137. Ah, fuck, fuck, fuck.
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138. Fuck.
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139. Oh, man.
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140. Cool.
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141. Oh. Oh.
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142. Fucking guy has everything
but a can opener.
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143. Ah, fuck!
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144. Ah, fuck.
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145. Oh, god. -
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146. Okay.
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147. Okay.
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148. Hey.
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149. A... s...
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150. M... I...
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151. N... e.
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152. Honey.
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153. Oh, fuck.
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154. Oh. Oh.
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155. No.
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156. No.
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157. Hey!
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158. Hey! Hey!
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159. Come on, honey.
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160. Open the door, please.
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161. Baby.
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162. Come on, honey.
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163. Come on!
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164. Come on.
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165. Come on.
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166. Oh, fuck.
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167. Hey. Hey!
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168. Good evening, everybody. Uh...
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169. Tonight we're gonna be
preparing a ve... quite simple,
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170. but quite delicious, uh,
pasta dish.
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171. Uh, we're going to start out
with some filtered water
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172. from our favorite source,
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173. the, uh, little vegetation
area there.
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174. Okay.
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175. Now I'm going to the package
of pasta.
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176. We're gonna take some of this...
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177. Uh, fusilli pasta,
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178. pasta de semola di grano duro,
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179. and, uh, let that soak
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180. for about,
I don't know, 24 hours.
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181. Over here,
we've already prepared
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182. this, uh...
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183. Rigatoni, I guess it is,
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184. and, uh, we're gonna see
how it tastes right now.
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185. Soft, uh, definitely, al dente.
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186. Uh, it's not bad, it's not bad.
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187. No.
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188. Hey, Gladys.
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189. Looking good.
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190. Out for a little shopping?
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191. Ramon.
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192. ¿Qué pasa?
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193. Hey.
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194. Looking good.
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195. Jasmine?
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196. It's your lunch break.
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197. Where are you?
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198. Hey.
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199. Who's that?
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200. Funny guy.
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201. Yeah, friend of yours?
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202. Oh, f... fuck!
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203. Uh, okay.
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204. I see you. I see you.
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205. I got you. Oh.
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206. Got ya!
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207. Olly olly in free.
Everybody's dead.
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208. Go to tompkins square park
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209. and look for a guy
named Danny c.
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210. He's usually near
the basketball courts.
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211. Usually there
in the late afternoon.
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212. Tell him...
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213. That I'm stuck here.
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214. No one's come.
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215. Do that for me.
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216. Nobody here but us pigeons.
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217. Right? Right?
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218. Right? Right?
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219. Fucking self-portrait.
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220. Oh, fuck!
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221. What? Wh...
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222. What the fuck?
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223. What the...
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224. "Opposition is
true friendship."
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225. You.
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226. Jasmine?
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227. No. Hey!
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228. Goddamn!
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229. Jasmine!
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230. Jasmine!
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231. No!
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232. Jasmine!
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233. Help me!
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234. Get me out of here!
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235. Help me!
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236. This moment.
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237. All the time.
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238. - Hi.
- Welcome.
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239. This moment.
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240. All... will come after.
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241. After this moment...
All will come.
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242. Hey.
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243. You made it.
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244. Great. I'm so glad you're here.
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245. Welcome. Welcome.
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246. Come, let me get you a drink.
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247. So... how's it going?
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248. Good, thanks.
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249. Really? Oh, that-that's good.
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250. That's great.
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251. Yeah.
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252. Challenging times
we're living through.
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253. If you're keeping your head
above water,
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254. Kudos to you.
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255. I like a challenge.
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256. What side of the divide
are you on?
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257. Is no man an island
or every man an island?
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258. I'm an island.
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259. But ask me again
after a few cocktails.
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260. That is the spirit.
That is the spirit.
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261. Have you seen the schiele?
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262. - The self-portrait?
- Yeah, I've seen it.
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263. And?
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264. What do you think?
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265. Look, there is champagne,
cocktails, whatever you like.
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266. Make yourself at home.
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267. I will.
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268. I'll catch you later.
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269. Boom.
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270. Let's go, guys.
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271. Welcome, everyone,
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272. to this exciting private view
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273. of a new work by masbedo,
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274. an artist duo that I love
very, very, very much.
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275. Give them an applause.
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276. The puppet,
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277. the marionette,
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278. long a symbol
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279. of the inevitability of destiny.
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280. We are puppets.
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281. And the fates, gods,
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282. pull our strings,
determining our actions.
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283. Do we have free will
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284. or are we just puppets in a show
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285. controlled by unseen hands?
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286. Ah!
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287. Shit.
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288. It's Monday,
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289. little girl comes home
from school.
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290. She asks her mother,
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291. "ma, what are we having
for dinner tonight?"
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292. And her mother says, "chicken."
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293. She says,
"oh, ma, chicken, great!
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294. I love chicken!
I love chicken!"
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295. Tuesday, little girl
comes home from school.
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296. She says to her mother,
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297. "ma, what's for dinner
tonight?"
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298. Mother says, "chicken."
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299. She says,
"oh, great, I love chicken."
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300. Wednesday, little girl
comes home from school,
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301. and she says,
"ma, what's for dinner?"
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302. Mother says, "chicken."
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303. Girl says, "great.
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304. "Oh, chicken, yeah, yeah.
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305. Dinner tonight."
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306. Thursday, little girl
comes home from school,
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307. asks her mother,
"what's for dinner tonight?"
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308. Mother says, "chicken."
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309. Little girl says, "ah, chicken.
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310. Good, good, yeah, chicken."
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311. Friday, little girl
comes home from school,
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312. "ma, what's for dinner
tonight?"
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313. Mother says, "chicken."
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314. "Chicken.
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315. "It's... o-okay.
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316. Yeah, chicken, chicken."
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317. Saturday, "ma,
what's for dinner tonight?"
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318. - "Oh."
- Not much meat.
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319. Mother says, "chicken."
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320. Little girl says,
"ma, chicken again?
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321. "I mean, Can't you
think of something else?
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322. I mean, please."
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323. Sunday, "ma,
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324. What's for dinner tonight?"
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325. Mother says, "chicken."
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326. Little girl says,
"ma, what are you doing to me?
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327. Chicken again? Oh, god."
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328. Monday, little girl
comes home from school,
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329. asks her mother,
"what's for dinner tonight?"
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330. Mother says, "chicken."
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331. "Oh, I love chicken!
Yeah, yeah!
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332. "Chicken, that's my favorite.
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333. Oh, you know how
I love chicken."
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334. - Okay, I-I'm maybe not...
- Fuck.
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335. The best joke teller in
the world, but, uh, you know,
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336. something to pass the time.
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337. You-you get it, right?
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338. I mean, it's a Bulgarian joke,
actually.
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339. I learned it from, uh,
a very beautiful woman.
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340. She had no idea
that she was beautiful.
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341. Uh, she was very funny.
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342. I mean,
that was her greatest charm.
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343. And she told me this joke,
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344. and she said, "I warn you.
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345. It's a Bulgarian joke."
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346. So this will be a measure
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347. of whether you have the
Bulgarian sense of humor now.
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348. Clearly, uh, you all don't.
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349. I mean, thank you for listening.
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350. You're a good audience.
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351. You don't heckle me.
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352. There's no problems here.
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353. Helps pass the time.
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354. I mean, this is what
we're put on this earth for,
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355. to comfort each other
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356. and keep each other company
and pass the time.
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357. She saw...
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358. She saw me.
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359. She saw me.
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360. Saw me.
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361. She looked right up.
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362. She did.
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363. Nothing happened between us.
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364. Maybe.
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365. But when we met,
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366. I had a feeling that life
had taken over.
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367. I loved being in bed with you.
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368. I loved waking up next to you.
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369. And I knew you felt the same.
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370. This is just
my way to contribute, you know.
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371. Cheers to all of you.
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372. Cheers big ears.
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373. If you didn't like the joke,
I'm sorry but fuck you.
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374. I did the best I could,
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375. and if you didn't like that,
fuck you.
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376. I have no energy.
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377. I have no energy.
I have no energy.
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378. I have no energy.
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379. I have no energy.
I have no energy.
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380. I have no energy. I have...
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381. I'm dying, I'm dying,
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382. I'm dying, I'm dying,
I'm dying, I'm dying.
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383. Hoy. Hoy. Hoy.
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384. I feel you, brother.
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385. I'm gonna set you free.
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386. Oh, god.
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387. That's it.
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388. Fire!
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389. Fire!
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390. "But the following contraries
to these are true:
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391. "One.
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392. "Man has no body distinct
from his soul.
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393. "Two.
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394. "Energy is the only life,
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395. "and is from the body.
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396. "Three.
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397. "Energy...
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398. "Is eternal delight.
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399. "One thought...
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400. Fills immensity."
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401. "Energy is eternal delight."
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402. When I was a kid,
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403. my teacher asked,
what are the three things
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404. I would save from my house
if it were on fire.
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405. My sketchbook,
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406. my ac/do album
and my cat Groucho.
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407. My cat died.
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408. I lent that ac/do album
to a guy named kojo,
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409. and I never saw it again.
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410. But the sketchbook...
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411. I kept.
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412. Cats die.
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413. Music fades.
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414. But art is for keeps.
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415. As a gesture of thanks
for your hospitality,
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416. I've saved three things
of yours from destruction.
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417. I lived in your place
only a short time.
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418. For you, it was a home.
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419. For me, it was a cage.
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420. I'm sorry if I destroyed it...
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421. But maybe it needed
to be destroyed.
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422. After all,
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423. there's no creation
without destruction.
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424. "But the following
contraries to these are true:
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425. "One.
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426. "Man has no body distinct
from his soul.
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427. "Two.
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428. "Energy is the only life,
and is from the body.
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429. "Three.
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430. "Energy...
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431. Is eternal delight."
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