1. When I was a kid,
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2. my teacher asked,
what are the three things
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3. that I would save from my house
if it were on fire.
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4. I answered: My sketchbook,
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5. my AC/DC album
and my cat Groucho.
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6. I didn't mention my parents
or my sister.
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7. Of course,
most of the other kids did.
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8. Does that make me a bad person?
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9. My cat died,
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10. I lent that AC/DC album
to a guy named Kojo
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11. and I never saw it again.
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12. But the sketchbook I kept.
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13. Cats die.
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14. Music fades.
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15. But art is for keeps.
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16. Hey, guys,
two minutes to drop-off.
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17. Proceeding as planned.
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18. Number three, all good?
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19. All according to plan.
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20. I'm in position.
Computer's online.
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21. Final approach to target.
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22. In position in five,
four, three,
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23. two, one.
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24. Number one, go, go!
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25. Open sesame in three, two, one.
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26. Proceed to step two,
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27. deactivate the security system.
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28. Six, one, three.
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29. Seven minutes and counting.
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30. There we are.
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31. That's fucking weird.
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32. Number three, come in.
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33. - Roger.
- The self-portrait isn't here.
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34. You what?
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35. I found the three other
Schieles like clockwork,
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36. but no self-portrait.
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37. No self-portrait?
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38. Yeah, I'm in the master bedroom
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39. and there's another painting
where it should be.
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40. That's impossible.
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41. Go check the video installation room.
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42. Four minutes and counting.
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43. I'm in the video
installation room.
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44. There's no paintings here.
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45. Are you sure?
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46. Pretty sure.
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47. Look again.
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48. Man, the self-portrait
is not here.
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49. Where the fuck is it, then?
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50. How the fuck should I know?
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51. Maybe he took it with him
to Kazakhstan.
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52. Of course he didn't take it
to Kazakh-fucking-Stan.
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53. There's no way
he took it on a business trip.
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54. What do you want me to do?
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55. That piece was worth
three million, man.
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56. Damn it.
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57. We're out of time.
Take what you got and go.
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58. Number three, come in.
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59. I'm at the door. You hacked in?
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60. I am in.
Here's the activation code.
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61. - Are you ready?
- Ready.
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62. - Three, one,
- one.
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63. - six, zero, seven,
- six.
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64. - two.
- Zero, seven, two.
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65. Activate.
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66. Activate.
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67. - Fuck.
- System malfunction.
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68. What?
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69. Come on, guys.
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70. - System malfunction.
- What's happening?
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71. What's going on?
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72. I don't know
what's happening, man.
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73. - I've lost access!
- What's happening?
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74. I don't understand!
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75. Damn it!
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76. - Oh, goddamn!
- This isn't supposed to happen!
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77. System malfunction.
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78. System malfunction.
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79. System malfunction.
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80. Malfunction.
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81. System malfunction.
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82. System malfunction.
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83. Go back to that main door.
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84. - Try it now, again.
- System malfunction.
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85. System malfunction.
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86. It's locked.
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87. It won't open.
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88. - System malfunction.
- It won't open!
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89. Come in, number three! Come in!
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90. I don't know what to do, man.
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91. System malfunction.
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92. I'm sorry. You're on your own.
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93. Come in!
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94. Over and out.
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95. System malfunction.
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96. System malfunction.
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97. System malfunction.
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98. System mal...
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99. Come on, baby.
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100. Here you go. Here you go.
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101. Come on.
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102. Fucking heat.
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103. Come on.
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104. Hi there. How about an egg
white omelet aux fines herbes
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105. and an avocado
and mint smoothie?
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106. Only ten percent
of your daily calor...
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107. Hi there.
You are low on supplies.
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108. Consult the smart home
groceries monitor.
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109. Hi there. Friendly reminder.
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110. Do not leave
the fridge door open
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111. for longer than 20 seconds.
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112. Come in, number three.
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113. Come in, number three.
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114. Number three, come in.
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115. Hi there.
You are low on supplies.
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116. Consult the smart home
groceries monitor.
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117. There's some vodka.
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118. Party time.
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119. Number three, come in.
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120. Number three, come in.
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121. I've got the Pritzker prize.
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122. What the fuck have you done?
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123. What are you eating? Is...
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124. Oh, fuck.
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125. Oh, there she is.
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126. There you are.
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127. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
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128. Fuck.
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129. Oh, man.
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130. Cool.
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131. Fucking guy has everything
but a can opener.
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132. Ah, fuck!
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133. Fuck.
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134. Okay.
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135. Okay.
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136. Hey.
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137. A - S
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138. M - I
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139. N- E
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140. Honey.
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141. Oh, fuck.
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142. No.
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143. No.
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144. Hey!
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145. Hey! Hey!
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146. Come on, honey.
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147. Open the door, please.
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148. Baby.
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149. Come on, honey.
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150. Come on!
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151. Come on.
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152. Come on.
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153. Oh, fuck.
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154. Hey.
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155. Hey!
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156. Good evening, everybody.
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157. Tonight we're gonna be
preparing a ve... quite simple,
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158. but quite delicious pasta dish.
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159. We're going to start out
with some filtered water
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160. from our favorite source,
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161. the little vegetation
area there.
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162. Okay.
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163. Now I'm going to the package
of pasta.
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164. We're gonna take some of this...
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165. Fusilli Pasta,
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166. Pasta de Semola di Grano Duro,
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167. and...
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168. let that soak
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169. for about,
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170. I don't know, 24 hours.
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171. Over here,
we've already prepared
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172. this...
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173. Rigatoni, I guess it is,
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174. and we're gonna see
how it tastes right now.
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175. Soft, definitely, al dente.
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176. It's not bad, it's not bad.
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177. No.
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178. Hey, Gladys.
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179. Looking good.
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180. Out for a little shopping?
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181. Ramon.
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182. ¿Qué pasa?
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183. Hey.
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184. Looking good.
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185. Jasmine?
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186. It's your lunch break.
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187. Where are you?
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188. Hey.
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189. Who's that?
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190. Funny guy.
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191. Yeah, friend of yours?
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192. Fuck!
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193. Okay.
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194. I see you. I see you.
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195. I got you.
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196. Got ya!
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197. Olly olly in free.
Everybody's dead.
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198. Go to Tompkins Square Park
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199. and look for a guy
named Danny C.
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200. He's usually near
the basketball courts.
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201. Usually there
in the late afternoon.
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202. Tell him...
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203. that I'm stuck here.
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204. No one's come.
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205. Do that for me.
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206. Nobody here but us pigeons.
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207. Right? Right?
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208. Right?
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209. Right?
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210. Fucking self-portrait.
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211. Fuck!
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212. What?
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213. What the fuck?
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214. What the...
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215. "Opposition is
true friendship."
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216. You.
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217. Jasmine?
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218. No. Hey!
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219. Goddamn!
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220. Jasmine!
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221. Jasmine!
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222. No!
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223. Jasmine!
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224. Help me!
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225. Get me out of here!
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226. Help me!
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227. This moment.
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228. All the time.
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229. - Hi.
- Welcome.
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230. This moment.
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231. All... will come after.
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232. After this moment...
All will come.
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233. Hey.
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234. You made it.
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235. Great. I'm so glad you're here.
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236. Welcome. Welcome.
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237. Come, let me get you a drink.
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238. So... how's it going?
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239. Good, thanks.
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240. Really? That-that's good.
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241. That's great.
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242. Yeah.
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243. Challenging times
we're living through.
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244. If you're keeping your head
above water,
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245. kudos to you.
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246. I like a challenge.
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247. What side of the divide
are you on?
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248. Is no man an island
or every man an island?
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249. I'm an island.
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250. But ask me again
after a few cocktails.
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251. That is the spirit.
That is the spirit.
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252. Have you seen the Schiele?
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253. - The self-portrait?
- Yeah, I've seen it.
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254. And?
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255. What do you think?
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256. Look, there is champagne,
cocktails, whatever you like.
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257. Make yourself at home.
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258. I will.
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259. I'll catch you later.
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260. Let's go, guys.
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261. Welcome, everyone,
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262. to this exciting private view
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263. of a new work by Masbedo,
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264. an artist duo that I love
very, very, very much.
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265. Give them an applause.
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266. The puppet,
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267. the marionette,
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268. long a symbol
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269. of the inevitability of destiny.
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270. We are puppets.
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271. And the fates, gods,
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272. pull our strings,
determining our actions.
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273. Do we have free will
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274. or are we just puppets in a show
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275. controlled by unseen hands?
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276. Shit.
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277. It's Monday,
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278. little girl comes home
from school.
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279. She asks her mother,
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280. "Ma, what are we having
for dinner tonight?"
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281. And her mother says, "Chicken."
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282. She says,
"Oh, ma, chicken, great!
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283. I love chicken!
I love chicken!"
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284. Tuesday, little girl
comes home from school.
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285. She says to her mother,
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286. "Ma, what's for dinner
tonight?"
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287. Mother says, "Chicken."
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288. She says,
"Oh, great, I love chicken."
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289. Wednesday, little girl
comes home from school,
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290. and she says,
"Ma, what's for dinner?"
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291. Mother says, "Chicken."
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292. Girl says, "great.
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293. "Chicken, yeah, yeah.
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294. Dinner tonight."
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295. Thursday, little girl
comes home from school,
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296. asks her mother,
"What's for dinner tonight?"
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297. Mother says, "Chicken."
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298. Little girl says, "Ah, chicken.
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299. Good, good, yeah, chicken."
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300. Friday, little girl
comes home from school,
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301. "Ma, what's for dinner
tonight?"
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302. Mother says, "Chicken."
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303. "Chicken?
It's... o-okay.
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304. Yeah, chicken, chicken."
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305. Saturday, "Ma,
what's for dinner tonight?"
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306. Not much meat.
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307. Mother says, "Chicken."
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308. Little girl says,
"Ma, chicken again?
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309. "I mean, can't you
think of something else?
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310. I mean, please."
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311. Sunday, "Ma,
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312. what's for dinner tonight?"
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313. Mother says, "Chicken."
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314. Little girl says,
"Ma, what are you doing to me?
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315. Chicken again? Oh, god."
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316. Monday, little girl
comes home from school,
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317. asks her mother,
"what's for dinner tonight?"
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318. Mother says, "chicken."
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319. "I love chicken!
Yeah, yeah!
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320. "Chicken, that's my favorite.
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321. You know how
I love chicken."
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322. - Okay, I-I'm maybe not...
- Fuck.
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323. The best joke teller in
the world, but... you know,
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324. something to pass the time.
You-you get it, right?
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325. I mean, it's a Bulgarian joke,
actually.
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326. I learned it from
a very beautiful woman.
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327. She had no idea
that she was beautiful.
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328. She was very funny.
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329. I mean,
that was her greatest charm.
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330. And she told me this joke,
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331. and she said, "I warn you.
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332. It's a Bulgarian joke."
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333. So this will be a measure
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334. of whether you have the
Bulgarian sense of humor now.
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335. Clearly, you all don't.
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336. I mean, thank you for listening.
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337. You're a good audience.
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338. You don't heckle me.
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339. There's no problems here.
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340. Helps pass the time.
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341. I mean, this is what
we're put on this earth for,
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342. to comfort each other
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343. and keep each other company
and pass the time.
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344. She saw...
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345. She saw me.
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346. She saw me.
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347. Saw me.
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348. She looked right up.
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349. She did.
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350. Nothing happened between us.
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351. Maybe.
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352. But when we met,
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353. I had a feeling that life
had taken over.
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354. I loved being in bed with you.
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355. I loved waking up next to you.
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356. And I knew you felt the same.
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357. This is just
my way to contribute, you know.
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358. Cheers to all of you.
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359. Cheers big ears.
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360. If you didn't like the joke,
I'm sorry but fuck you.
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361. I did the best I could,
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362. and if you didn't like that,
fuck you.
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363. I have no energy.
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364. I have no energy.
I have no energy.
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365. I have no energy.
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366. I have no energy.
I have no energy.
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367. I have no energy. I have...
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368. I'm dying, I'm dying,
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369. I'm dying, I'm dying,
I'm dying, I'm dying.
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370. Hoy. Hoy. Hoy.
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371. I feel you, brother.
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372. I'm gonna set you free.
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373. Oh, god.
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374. That's it.
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375. Fire!
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376. Fire!
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377. "But the following contraries
to these are true:
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378. "One.
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379. "Man has no body distinct
from his soul.
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380. "Two.
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381. "Energy is the only life,
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382. "and is from the body.
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383. "Three.
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384. "Energy...
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385. "Is eternal delight.
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386. "One thought...
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387. Fills immensity."
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388. "Energy is eternal delight."
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389. When I was a kid,
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390. my teacher asked,
what are the three things
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391. I would save from my house
if it were on fire.
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392. I answered: My sketchbook,
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393. my AC/DC album
and my cat Groucho.
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394. My cat died.
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395. I lent that AC/DC album
to a guy named Kojo,
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396. and I never saw it again.
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397. But the sketchbook...
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398. I kept.
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399. Cats die.
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400. Music fades.
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401. But art is for keeps.
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402. As a gesture of thanks
for your hospitality,
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403. I've saved three things
of yours from destruction.
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404. I lived in your place
only a short time.
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405. For you, it was a home.
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406. For me, it was a cage.
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407. I'm sorry if I destroyed it...
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408. But maybe it needed
to be destroyed.
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409. After all,
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410. there's no creation
without destruction.
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411. "But the following
contraries to these are true:
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412. "One.
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413. "Man has no body distinct
from his soul.
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414. "Two.
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415. "Energy is the only life,
and is from the body.
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416. "Three.
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417. "Energy...
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418. Is eternal delight."
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