1. Good morning,
my little chicks and cocks.Copy !req
2. Malcolm, monitoring... All the usual.Copy !req
3. How did your team do at the weekend?Copy !req
4. - All right, yeah, we won.
- Wanker.Copy !req
5. Sam, morning. How are you?Copy !req
6. Well, pop-pickers,
what disc shall we start with today?Copy !req
7. Wonky Ron
or how about Simon Foster?Copy !req
8. On the Eddie Mair
PM programme on the BBC.Copy !req
9. Well, I'm joined by Simon Foster,Copy !req
10. the Minister
for International Development.Copy !req
11. You've been in the job for 18 months.Copy !req
12. Do you think you're making headway?Copy !req
13. Yes, I do.Copy !req
14. You'd expect me to say that, I suppose.Copy !req
15. Mark.Copy !req
16. You're co-ordinating
the Millennium Goals press release?Copy !req
17. Co-ordinate it better, please.Copy !req
18. Is that the minister?Copy !req
19. OK.Copy !req
20. Have we heard anything from Malcolm
about last night's interview?Copy !req
21. No, not yet.Copy !req
22. - Perhaps he didn't hear it.
- Or maybe he's dead.Copy !req
23. He might be dead!Copy !req
24. He might have finally had that
massive stroke he's been heading for.Copy !req
25. It's been in the fucking post.Copy !req
26. Preventable sickness in many of the
poorest countries around the world.Copy !req
27. And of course,
the big one is diarrhoea...Copy !req
28. Ah, diarrhoea. This is the Minister
for International Development.Copy !req
29. He should be talking about
food parcels,Copy !req
30. not fucking arse-spraying mayhem.Copy !req
31. So if we can tackle the easy things
like diarrhoea, then we can...Copy !req
32. Oh, say it again. Yes, very good.Copy !req
33. What is this, the shitting forecast?Copy !req
34. hopefully that will strike
another blow...Copy !req
35. in the war against
preventable diseases.Copy !req
36. - You mentioned the word "war".
- Steady, Eddie.Copy !req
37. Against preventable diseases.Copy !req
38. All the evidence now points to...Copy !req
39. a US military intervention
in the Middle East.Copy !req
40. Is that your view?Copy !req
41. Well, personally,
I think that war is unforeseeable.Copy !req
42. Sam. Sam!Copy !req
43. - Unforeseeable?
- Yes.Copy !req
44. No, you do not think that!Copy !req
45. Sam, I'm going to have to go...Copy !req
46. to International Development
to pull Simon Foster's fucking hair.Copy !req
47. He did not say "unforeseeable".Copy !req
48. You may have heard him say that,
but he did not say that.Copy !req
49. And that is a fact.Copy !req
50. Now, he's gonna want you to row back...Copy !req
51. on that "unforeseeable" thing
on Question Time tonight.Copy !req
52. On Question Time, you know the funny
question they always have at the end?Copy !req
53. Yes.Copy !req
54. I think we should prep that now.Copy !req
55. Cos I'd like to shine on
the funny question.Copy !req
56. I'm a funny guy, with a light touch.Copy !req
57. There's this guy, he's a property
tycoon. He bought a South Sea island.Copy !req
58. It might be something like that.
If you had to spend the rest of your life...Copy !req
59. on a desert island with someone,
who would it be with?Copy !req
60. Well... I can't say my wife
cos I haven't got one.Copy !req
61. I can't say my girlfriend, because
I haven't got one of those either.Copy !req
62. - And don't say Mandela. That's...
- No, no, boring. And a bloke.Copy !req
63. Or Keira Knightley.Copy !req
64. That's a good idea.Copy !req
65. Pervert. Sex. Minister.
People don't want to know.Copy !req
66. I don't think so.Copy !req
67. Did you take
the washing out of the machine?Copy !req
68. - No.
- What do you mean "no"?Copy !req
69. No, I didn't take
the washing out of the machine.Copy !req
70. - It's gonna go really stale...
- It'll be fine.Copy !req
71. - It's not fine.
- It's fine. I'll wear stale pants.Copy !req
72. I don't want to go out
with someone in stale pants.Copy !req
73. Well, there we go.
I could go commando.Copy !req
74. But I don't think
that's accepted in government.Copy !req
75. Have you got everything
you need for your first day?Copy !req
76. Oh, yes, all in here.
My massive intellect...Copy !req
77. and an apple for Simon Foster.Copy !req
78. Simon "Fluster", don't you mean?Copy !req
79. Don't call him that. I'm rebranding him.Copy !req
80. He was absolutely crap
on the radio last night.Copy !req
81. He sounded like a chicken
with a wasp up its arse.Copy !req
82. You give me a week,
I'll have him sounding...Copy !req
83. like a chicken
without a wasp up its arse.Copy !req
84. Good luck at the Foreign Office.
Try not to annoy Russia.Copy !req
85. - See you later.
- See you later.Copy !req
86. I'll give you a call later.
Keep your phone on.Copy !req
87. - Be careful. Cars.
- Oh, really? Thanks for that.Copy !req
88. Helpful...Copy !req
89. OK, OK, go ahead
and print "unforeseeable".Copy !req
90. Listen, assume I tell your wife...Copy !req
91. about you and Angela Heaney
at the Blackpool conference,Copy !req
92. what would be best,
an e-mail, a phone call or what?Copy !req
93. I could write it on a cake!
With those little silver balls.Copy !req
94. "Your hack husband
betrayed you on October 4th...Copy !req
95. and congratulations on the new baby. "Copy !req
96. Yeah,
maybe it's better to spike it, yeah.Copy !req
97. OK, fuckity bye.Copy !req
98. Did you put away the lasagne?Copy !req
99. Yes, of course, it's in the fridge.Copy !req
100. It's got Clingfilm on it and everything.Copy !req
101. Why did you put Clingfilm on it?Copy !req
102. Because that keeps it fresh.
That's the point of Clingfilm.Copy !req
103. No, I don't want to hold.Copy !req
104. It might dry out.Copy !req
105. That's an amateur mistake.Copy !req
106. I'm not holding any longer. What's
he waiting for, a fucking sex change?Copy !req
107. It's not carcinogenic.Copy !req
108. What, Simon Foster?Copy !req
109. Clingfilm doesn't give you cancer.Copy !req
110. Diarrhoea Of A Nobody. I like that.Copy !req
111. - Aluminium foil...
- Apropos of that...Copy !req
112. gives you AIDS: or, you know,
lasagne gives you syphilis.Copy !req
113. - It's not a thing.
- No, you relax!Copy !req
114. God, who's that?Copy !req
115. Get me fucking Brian!Copy !req
116. If you don't get me fucking Brian,
I'm gonna come over there.Copy !req
117. I'm gonna lock you in
a fucking flotation tank...Copy !req
118. and pump it full of sewage
until you fucking drown.Copy !req
119. - Paris Hilton.
- Are you serious?Copy !req
120. - Lily Allen.
- No, no women.Copy !req
121. - Yeah?
- The Olsen twins.Copy !req
122. - Thank you.
- Who's that?Copy !req
123. - Malcolm. He's coming to see you.
- Oh, shit, he's still alive.Copy !req
124. - When's he due?
- Now!Copy !req
125. And don't say you weren't prepared,
because I rang ahead.Copy !req
126. Give us a minute,
could you, please, love?Copy !req
127. In the words
of the late, great Nat King fucking Cole,Copy !req
128. unforeseeable, that's what you are.Copy !req
129. Who's that geezer?Copy !req
130. Oh, I know who he is.Copy !req
131. You're Dan, right?Copy !req
132. - Daniel? The new adviser?
- Toby.Copy !req
133. Toby. Oh. Sorry about the "Dan" thing.Copy !req
134. You guys are often called "Dan"
so it's worth a punt.Copy !req
135. I'm Judy, by the way. Judy Molloy.Copy !req
136. Director of Communications
for International Development.Copy !req
137. Is this a normal morning?Copy !req
138. The minister was rubbish
on last night's interview...Copy !req
139. - He was rubbish?
- Yes. Rubbish.Copy !req
140. Come on, Malcolm, he asked me for...
for a personal opinion.Copy !req
141. Why didn't you say? He asked you.
Fuck, of course, that explains it.Copy !req
142. If he'd asked you to fucking black up,
or to give him your PIN number...Copy !req
143. or to shit yourself,
would you have done that?Copy !req
144. Blacked up, yes.
It was radio, nobody would've known.Copy !req
145. Very good.Copy !req
146. War is basically unforeseeable, isn't it?Copy !req
147. That is not our line.
Walk the fucking line.Copy !req
148. We've got Karen Clark
over from Washington today.Copy !req
149. We've got enough
fucking Pentagon goons here...Copy !req
150. to stage a fucking coup d'état.Copy !req
151. - Minister.
- Not the time, love.Copy !req
152. - I'm busy. Fuck off.
- This is Toby.Copy !req
153. Toby, hi. I'm glad you could make it.
It's a bit of an odd morning here.Copy !req
154. Welcome to the madhouse.
I apologise for Malcolm.Copy !req
155. Don't apologise for me.
Apologise for yourself.Copy !req
156. Did I not just tell you to fuck off
and yet you're still here?Copy !req
157. It's true, I am, yes, still here.Copy !req
158. Hi, foetus boy,Copy !req
159. lesson one, I tell you to fuck off,
what do you do?Copy !req
160. Eff off?Copy !req
161. You'll go far.Copy !req
162. - Now, fuck off.
- Right.Copy !req
163. Judy and I were thinking that I could
row back on Question Time tonight.Copy !req
164. You're not on Question Time.
You've been disinvited.Copy !req
165. - We've been prepping Question Time.
- Why wasn't I told about this?Copy !req
166. Why the fuck would I tell you about it?
I told you to fuck off twice.Copy !req
167. It's a scheduled media appearance by
this department's secretary of state...Copy !req
168. so it falls well within my purview.Copy !req
169. - Within your purview?
- Yes.Copy !req
170. Where do you think you are, some
fucking Regency costume drama?Copy !req
171. This is a government department,
not a fucking Jane fucking Austen novel.Copy !req
172. - Malcolm...
- Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet...Copy !req
173. on your purview and ram it up
the shitter with a lubricated horse cock.Copy !req
174. Your swearing does not impress me.Copy !req
175. My husband works for Tower Hamlets
and believe me,Copy !req
176. those kids make you sound like...
Angela Lansbury.Copy !req
177. She's married? Poor bastard.Copy !req
178. Malcolm, Judy's lubricated horse cock
aside for a second,Copy !req
179. are you saying I'm now no longer
allowed to make media appearances?Copy !req
180. Correct. Not until we can trust you
to keep the line.Copy !req
181. I was going to keep to the line.
I was going to say,Copy !req
182. I don't think war is unforeseeable...Copy !req
183. - What is it, then?
- I dunno. Foreseeable? No.Copy !req
184. No! Not foreseeable.
That's fucking declaring war.Copy !req
185. Do you want to fucking declare war?Copy !req
186. I'm a Cabinet minister.
I didn't get here by screwing up...Copy !req
187. every media appearance I ever had.Copy !req
188. Write this down. It's neither
foreseeable nor unforeseeable.Copy !req
189. Right, so not inevitable, but not...Copy !req
190. You'd better walk on this fucking line.Copy !req
191. evitable.Copy !req
192. You, hey, put the snifter out there
that if the BBC ambushes a minister...Copy !req
193. with another surprise question about
the war, I'll drop a bomb on them.Copy !req
194. I can't do that, can I? That's political.Copy !req
195. Does that not fit within your purview,
Marie Antoinette?Copy !req
196. Why don't you just scuttle off back
to fucking Cranford...Copy !req
197. and play around with your tea and your
cakes and your fucking horse cocks.Copy !req
198. Let them eat cock! Hey, you!
Ron Weasley, you do it.Copy !req
199. No, no, you needn't worry about
the Canadians,Copy !req
200. they're just happy to be there.Copy !req
201. Yes, well, they always look surprised
when they're invited.Copy !req
202. Shall I just give Toby a call
about this Simon Foster thing?Copy !req
203. Yes, good idea.
No, I'm not talking to you.Copy !req
204. Get me the Angolan chargé d'affaires.Copy !req
205. Yes, well stop him playing football.Copy !req
206. Hello.Copy !req
207. So, how's it going? Found the bogs?Copy !req
208. It's a bit... manic.Copy !req
209. Never like this at Agriculture. People
tend not to get so sweary about wheat.Copy !req
210. Sorry, Michael, do you mind
just turning it down a bit?Copy !req
211. Just a little bit... grating. Bloody music.Copy !req
212. Listen,
I've got a bit of leg-up for you, actually.Copy !req
213. Yeah. I think we can get Simon Foster
into the three o'clock with Karen Clark.Copy !req
214. Karen Clark?Copy !req
215. Was she the woman who went round
Britain in a coracle for leukaemia?Copy !req
216. No, Toby. Karen Clark,
US Assistant Secretary of State.Copy !req
217. Oh, right, Karen Clark. Wow, great.Copy !req
218. - Michael wants to say something.
- Meat.Copy !req
219. Meat?Copy !req
220. His man is only going to be meat in
the room. No talking. He's just padding.Copy !req
221. The Americans don't feel like
they're getting a proper meeting...Copy !req
222. unless there's 30 people on each side,Copy !req
223. so he's basically like bulk in the room.Copy !req
224. He's not exactly going to be relevant,
but he'll be present.Copy !req
225. I won't tell him that, to be honest.Copy !req
226. - OK, I've got to go, darling. I love you.
- OK, yes, likewise.Copy !req
227. Affirmative on that one.Copy !req
228. All right, darling, take care, bye.Copy !req
229. Can I turn it back up now?Copy !req
230. You're on sexual health, aren't you?
That's ironic.Copy !req
231. Right, Toby, quick tour.Copy !req
232. - I should probably just go and...
- This is Mike.Copy !req
233. Just leave it to Mike,
cos he knows what he's doing.Copy !req
234. - Don't you, Mike?
- What?Copy !req
235. Exactly. He's an idiot.Copy !req
236. Listen, I understand your hostility
at new wood being brought in.Copy !req
237. Sorry, that's the end of the tour,
I'm afraid.Copy !req
238. There is really a lot of very important
people that you ought to know about,Copy !req
239. but I have to...Copy !req
240. - Toby, hi.
- All right, boss.Copy !req
241. I'm sorry about earlier. Malcolm.Copy !req
242. - He's a bit of an alpha male, isn't he?
- Yes.Copy !req
243. Listen,Copy !req
244. I was just um...Copy !req
245. - Don't sit on Anna's desk.
- Sorry.Copy !req
246. I have managed to get you into the big
Foreign Office meeting this afternoon.Copy !req
247. The Karen Clark meeting?
Really? Shit.Copy !req
248. How did you do that?Copy !req
249. I did it through sheer bloody hard work.Copy !req
250. - Judy?
- Yeah?Copy !req
251. Tobes here has got me into the big
Karen Clark meeting this afternoon.Copy !req
252. The big "meat".Copy !req
253. Impressive, eh?
How are you spelling that, by the way?Copy !req
254. Two "E's.Copy !req
255. Oh, right.Copy !req
256. Just one thing.Copy !req
257. Talkingwise, you might find once
we get in there, that the bulk of it...Copy !req
258. - Can we just wait for Judy?
- Of course.Copy !req
259. Simon.Copy !req
260. Michael, hi.Copy !req
261. Hello. Welcome.Copy !req
262. - Michael?
- Yes.Copy !req
263. I'm Chad. We'd like a dual horseshoe
formation for the meeting set-up.Copy !req
264. An enclave for Ms Clark. An enclave
for the Pentagon delegation.Copy !req
265. And, politely, we request the presence...Copy !req
266. of both carbonated
and non-carbonated waters.Copy !req
267. Right.Copy !req
268. - Is that all?
- Yeah, that's it. Thank you so much.Copy !req
269. Not at all. Wow, who was that?
Young Lankenstein?Copy !req
270. He's probably running
something relatively major.Copy !req
271. They're all kids in Washington.Copy !req
272. It's like Bugsy Malone,
but with real guns.Copy !req
273. Thank you all for coming today...Copy !req
274. to the Interim Anglo-American
Resources Forum.Copy !req
275. I'd particularly like to welcome...Copy !req
276. What's your view like?Copy !req
277. - Well, it's pretty basic.
- OK, can we swap?Copy !req
278. I don't want a consensus
forming around the premise...Copy !req
279. that military action is necessarily
the primary option at this point.Copy !req
280. This paper which was authored
by one of my aides, Liza Weld...Copy !req
281. Liza, I hope you don't mind
if I foreground this paper.Copy !req
282. It's not strictly my paper.Copy !req
283. In the sense that you were the one
who put in the requests...Copy !req
284. Miss Weld is very, very modest,
but this is her paper.Copy !req
285. And she's highlighted several reasons...Copy !req
286. why we cannot envision a theatre
deployment for at least 12 months.Copy !req
287. Should I say something? She invited
me. I should say something.Copy !req
288. If you don't say something
in the first ten minutes,Copy !req
289. then you might as well
not say anything at all.Copy !req
290. I really think
you shouldn't say anything.Copy !req
291. - No, I should say something.
- No, Simon, don't, just don't...Copy !req
292. Don't pull my hand down.Copy !req
293. The committee feels
a quicker deployment is possible.Copy !req
294. Ah, which committee?Copy !req
295. It was discussed
in a number of committees.Copy !req
296. - If I mentioned one committee...
- You did.Copy !req
297. then it was a slip of the tongue.Copy !req
298. What, because you've accidentally
alluded to a secret committee,Copy !req
299. a war committee?Copy !req
300. If I may intercept. I understand
we are rather pressed for time.Copy !req
301. Liza, do you know if Linton
has set up a secret war committee?Copy !req
302. - No. I have no idea.
- Get me on it.Copy !req
303. I think it's worth noting
that ministers in the UK government,Copy !req
304. such as our colleague here,
Simon Foster,Copy !req
305. have made it very clear that they feel
currently war is unforeseeable.Copy !req
306. Isn't that right, Simon?Copy !req
307. Er... well, yes.Copy !req
308. That's... That's what I said.Copy !req
309. And I stick to what I said.Copy !req
310. That doesn't mean that what I said
won't change... in the future.Copy !req
311. Um... it's not immutable...Copy !req
312. or mutable.Copy !req
313. It's... It's... It's...Copy !req
314. It's a developing...Copy !req
315. I think there are
areas of mutual discussion...Copy !req
316. that we could come onto now, and then
maybe if there's time left at the end...Copy !req
317. Judy, can you just pass that on?
Is that fine?Copy !req
318. Yes, that's all fine, thank you.Copy !req
319. Right, come here. We need to talk.
What do you mean, "Stop being a tit?"Copy !req
320. In what way was I being a tit?Copy !req
321. Why am I even over here?Copy !req
322. You were just meat in the room, Simon.Copy !req
323. - Yeah...
- Meat in the room?Copy !req
324. Yeah.Copy !req
325. For fuck's sake, Judy, I've taken
an hour out to come over here...Copy !req
326. and be room meat.Copy !req
327. Yes, but... but a prime cut,Copy !req
328. you know, not offal.Copy !req
329. Oh, great. I'm not liver.Copy !req
330. What was I, tit meat?Copy !req
331. Well, no, I just...Copy !req
332. Come on. Let's get back.Copy !req
333. - Hey, Liza.
- Hey.Copy !req
334. I just want to say congratulations.
Your paper got a major citation.Copy !req
335. You must be psyched
that Karen brought it up.Copy !req
336. Yeah, well, that was,
you know, her call. Not mine.Copy !req
337. You couldn't write a paper...Copy !req
338. that clashes more violently with
the current climate if you were trying.Copy !req
339. It seems like you almost were trying.Copy !req
340. - I wasn't trying! Believe me.
- You're like the woman in The Omen.Copy !req
341. You've given birth to a demon
and now it's gonna kill you.Copy !req
342. You probably identify
with the kid from The Omen.Copy !req
343. See, you're an only child, aren't you?Copy !req
344. I don't understand how my parents'Copy !req
345. limited reproductive ability
reflects badly on me.Copy !req
346. I'm the sperm that made it, so...Copy !req
347. - Liza.
- I'm being called by our boss.Copy !req
348. - OK, retreat. See you later.
- Yeah, have fun with yourself.Copy !req
349. Have fun with your career kryptonite.Copy !req
350. What's going on down there?
That looks important.Copy !req
351. My teeth are killing me.
Are they chipped?Copy !req
352. I think that one
has always been there, right?Copy !req
353. It was a chip on the veneer.Copy !req
354. - Don't look at my teeth for a long time.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.Copy !req
355. - It just surprised me.
- Liza!Copy !req
356. Toby.Copy !req
357. Toby! Hi.Copy !req
358. - Hi.
- Give me a call!Copy !req
359. - Yeah.
- OK.Copy !req
360. Liza Weld. She did the
Kennedy Scholarship at my college.Copy !req
361. - I had a little thing for her at the time.
- I can imagine, yeah.Copy !req
362. Don't think she remembered me,
to be honest.Copy !req
363. That is one
of the side-effects of Rohypnol.Copy !req
364. Linton has set up
a secret war committee. I just know it.Copy !req
365. I mean, Linton is an absolute lunatic,
Liza.Copy !req
366. - He is dangerous.
- It's not good.Copy !req
367. The voices in his head
now sing barbershop together.Copy !req
368. I really, really hope there isn't a war,
it's going to be a nightmare.Copy !req
369. It's bad enough having to cope
with the fucking Olympics.Copy !req
370. - Minister?
- Just a quick word, sir?Copy !req
371. This is your chance to nail the line.
Do you want to nail the line?Copy !req
372. No, I'll freestyle it.
Hello, there. Hi.Copy !req
373. So is war unforeseeable, Minister?Copy !req
374. Look, all sorts of things,
that are actually very likely...Copy !req
375. are also unforeseeable.Copy !req
376. For the plane in the fog,
the mountain is un... unforeseeable,Copy !req
377. but then it is suddenly
very real and inevitable.Copy !req
378. Is this your opinion or is this
the government position?Copy !req
379. The mountain in the metaphor is...Copy !req
380. a completely hypothetical mountain
that could represent anything.Copy !req
381. So, who is the plane,
and who is the mountain?Copy !req
382. - Is the government lost in the fog?
- What I'm saying is...Copy !req
383. that to walk the road of peace...Copy !req
384. sometimes we need to be ready
to climb... the mountain of conflict.Copy !req
385. Thank you so much.Copy !req
386. Thank you. That's it,
ladies and gentlemen, thank you.Copy !req
387. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
why didn't we nail the line?Copy !req
388. Simon, I did try to warn you.Copy !req
389. Yes, you tried to warn me, but
you didn't actually stop me, did you?Copy !req
390. I can't tackle you to the ground.Copy !req
391. That's like shouting "Train!"
at somebody as they get hit by a train.Copy !req
392. You should go "Train!
There's a fucking train!"Copy !req
393. Bollocks!Copy !req
394. - Fuck, it's Malcolm.
- It's Malcolm for me, too.Copy !req
395. How does he do that?Copy !req
396. Simon, I don't like finding out about
people employed by this government...Copy !req
397. via the news, unless they've just died.Copy !req
398. Be here, now.Copy !req
399. The British Government
must be prepared...Copy !req
400. to climb the mountain of conflict.Copy !req
401. It's unclear if his view
is shared by the Prime Minister.Copy !req
402. Maybe we should get it out there.Copy !req
403. Float the idea that the war
is a resigning issue for you.Copy !req
404. You can't say it's a resigning issue,
because then you have to resign.Copy !req
405. You're having a really great first day,
you know that?Copy !req
406. You are supposed to be
a Cabinet minister!Copy !req
407. You are supposed to be Officer Class!Copy !req
408. Don't do this,
don't make fucking waves.Copy !req
409. We can do without
the ritual humiliation.Copy !req
410. You know I'm against
talking up the war.Copy !req
411. You're against talking up the war?Copy !req
412. Is that why you said
"climb the mountain of conflict"?Copy !req
413. Do you know what you sounded like?Copy !req
414. A fucking Nazi Julie Andrews.Copy !req
415. I'm just saying I might be forced
to the verge of making a stand.Copy !req
416. A stand?Copy !req
417. Right, The White Stripes, outside.Copy !req
418. Uh-uh.Copy !req
419. There's only two people
in The White Stripes.Copy !req
420. I um...Copy !req
421. I admire you.Copy !req
422. I really do, I admire you.Copy !req
423. Making a stand.Copy !req
424. So, I take it, I can tell the PM that you...
you don't want to go to Washington?Copy !req
425. - To where?
- To Washington.Copy !req
426. See, the PM, he wants you...
Well, he wanted you...Copy !req
427. to go on a fact-finder, you know.Copy !req
428. Problems we might have to face if it
all goes boombastic in the Middle East.Copy !req
429. Oh, right.Copy !req
430. But, you know, that's you,
you're on the verge, aren't you?Copy !req
431. You're on the verge of your stand, so...Copy !req
432. Well, Malcolm, come on,Copy !req
433. I don't know what words I used
in the heat of the moment.Copy !req
434. Maybe in a sense, yeah, I am on the
verge, but that's the important thing.Copy !req
435. I'm on the verge.
I'm not in any way decided.Copy !req
436. Christ on a bendy-bus.
Don't be such a fucking faff arse.Copy !req
437. No, I'm standing my ground,
on the verge.Copy !req
438. Right, OK,
well, when you go to America,Copy !req
439. talk to Karen Clark
at the State Department, yeah?Copy !req
440. - Right, OK. I'll give it a whirl.
- Keep away from Linton Barwick.Copy !req
441. He's pushing the war
for Caulderwood's lot.Copy !req
442. I'll deal with him. He uses a live hand
grenade as a fucking paper weight.Copy !req
443. That's a true story.Copy !req
444. Wow, I won't talk to him.Copy !req
445. Talk to as few people as possible,
that would be best for you.Copy !req
446. OK, Liza, the priorities are shower,
get me on Linton's war committee...Copy !req
447. and get me to a dentist,
not necessarily in that order.Copy !req
448. Shower later.Copy !req
449. What has Linton been up to
while we've been gone?Copy !req
450. Have we declared war
on California yet?Copy !req
451. Ah, Karen.Copy !req
452. - How was London? Good meetings?
- Very good meetings.Copy !req
453. You know we had some
great discussions there, I think our...Copy !req
454. Thank you very much, and I will read
your words when they come through.Copy !req
455. Thank you so much, Karen, hm. Bob.Copy !req
456. You won't read the words, Linton.Copy !req
457. Is Chad coming? Chad?Copy !req
458. No, he's probably doing
his desperate chorus girl thing,Copy !req
459. hanging around Linton's office,
trying to catch an eye, you know.Copy !req
460. That's why he's wearing his
push-up bra today. Have you noticed?Copy !req
461. - Assistant Secretary of State, hi.
- Brad, how are you?Copy !req
462. - Chad.
- Yep, yep, yep, exactly.Copy !req
463. - Can I...?
- Yep, you betcha, OK.Copy !req
464. Hey, listen, the war committee.Copy !req
465. What you have to do
is you've got to look for...Copy !req
466. the ten dullest-named committees
happening out of the executive branch.Copy !req
467. Because Linton is not going to call it
the "Big Horrible War Committee".Copy !req
468. He's gonna hide it
behind a name like "Diverse Strategy".Copy !req
469. Something so dull
you're just gonna want to self-harm.Copy !req
470. Get me General Miller
at the Pentagon, please.Copy !req
471. My teeth hurt.Copy !req
472. My teeth hurt like hell.Copy !req
473. I'm sick of hearing about
the teeth, frankly.Copy !req
474. Hi, yeah.
I'm checking the status on a paperCopy !req
475. that was circulated by a staffer here.Copy !req
476. It's called...Copy !req
477. "Post War Planning. Parameters,
Implications and Possibilities".Copy !req
478. This is the one by...
this is the one by Liza Weld, right?Copy !req
479. "PWIP PIP"?Copy !req
480. Oh, God, it already has an acronym.Copy !req
481. You know another acronym? DOA...Copy !req
482. Your career.Copy !req
483. My golly, I can't see why anyone would
choose to work in a glass office, huh?Copy !req
484. Glass offices,
in my opinion, are for perverts.Copy !req
485. I could request the glass be frosted.Copy !req
486. Frosting is on cakes, huh?Copy !req
487. Now, what else happened in London?Copy !req
488. Ah, generally positive, two glitches...Copy !req
489. Really, what?Copy !req
490. Karen flagged a report
by one of her staffers.Copy !req
491. She's obviously trying to use it as some
kind of roadblock. It's called PWIP PIP.Copy !req
492. PWIP what?Copy !req
493. What is it, a report on bird calls?
What does it even stand for?Copy !req
494. I can't recall. It's factish.
Intel for and against intervention.Copy !req
495. We have all the facts on this we need.
We don't need any more facts.Copy !req
496. In the land of truth, my friend...Copy !req
497. the man with one fact is the king.Copy !req
498. You said there was something else,
what is that?Copy !req
499. In the meeting with the Foreign Office,Copy !req
500. the committee was accidentally
and briefly alluded to.Copy !req
501. Which committee?Copy !req
502. The... The war committee, sir.Copy !req
503. All right,
Karen is not to know about this, huh?Copy !req
504. She is an excitable, yapping she-dog.Copy !req
505. Get a hold of those minutes.
I have to correct the record.Copy !req
506. - We can do that?
- Yes, we can.Copy !req
507. Those minutes are an aide-mémoire
for us.Copy !req
508. They should not be a reductive record
of what happened to have been said,Copy !req
509. but they should be more a full record of
what was intended to have been said.Copy !req
510. I think that's the more accurate version,
don't you?Copy !req
511. - Sir.
- Right.Copy !req
512. I don't like this section, let's cut that.Copy !req
513. Aye aye, sir.Copy !req
514. Let's reverse this.Copy !req
515. That was something Karen said, sir.Copy !req
516. Well, it's not right, so let's change it.Copy !req
517. - Aye, aye, sir.
- And... And I like... I like this.Copy !req
518. Ah, thank you, sir.Copy !req
519. Yeah, let's say
everyone agreed with that, huh?Copy !req
520. So... So the car
will pick you up from the airport.Copy !req
521. It's supposed to be
quite a good one, I believe.Copy !req
522. The Americans are doing that.
I've just got the contact numbers.Copy !req
523. What's she so fucking happy about?Copy !req
524. She's probably just on a personal call.Copy !req
525. Why has she got control of the blinds?Copy !req
526. I think it's...Copy !req
527. I'm a government minister and
I don't have control of my own blinds.Copy !req
528. I could order you some blinds. I could
order you some nice, heavy curtains,Copy !req
529. with swags and a pelmet maybe.Copy !req
530. Yes, do that.Copy !req
531. OK.Copy !req
532. Will you come with me?Copy !req
533. So, listen... my team for the US,
Team Simon...Copy !req
534. I'm thinking of taking you
and leaving Judy.Copy !req
535. I could work with that, definitely.Copy !req
536. Plus, she can be a bit, you know...Copy !req
537. "Everything's a bit shit, isn't it?"
Like that.Copy !req
538. Yeah, it's true. No, she can be,Copy !req
539. "Oh, so you're the President and
I'm supposed to be impressed by that?"Copy !req
540. "My husband works in Tower Hamlets.
Meh, meh, meh. "Copy !req
541. "Which is much harder
than being President. "Copy !req
542. Yeah, OK. Well, that's settled. Fuck it,
she's staying here. Go and tell her.Copy !req
543. What?Copy !req
544. Well, that moves us on
to any other business.Copy !req
545. I think I've flagged everything
that I need to discuss, as I usually do.Copy !req
546. Everything you're preparedto discuss.Copy !req
547. What is that? What are you doing?Copy !req
548. I understand you've started a new
committee, Linton. What is that called?Copy !req
549. What makes you think that?Copy !req
550. It was mentioned
at our meeting in London.Copy !req
551. Well, you must have misheard me.Copy !req
552. No. I misheard the word "committee"?Copy !req
553. Maybe it was another word.Copy !req
554. Like, say, Khomeini.Copy !req
555. - You're sitting on a new Khomeini?
- Possibly. There are a lot of words.Copy !req
556. Kansas City. Kitty.Copy !req
557. - Itty.
- "Itty?"Copy !req
558. "Itty" is not a word, Bob.Copy !req
559. - Commissary.
- Thank you, James...Copy !req
560. Why don't you just recap for me,
at the moment,Copy !req
561. all the committees
that you're currently sitting on?Copy !req
562. I'm sorry, Karen, but you... you appear
to be bleeding from the teeth.Copy !req
563. Let me see that. Holy Mother of...Copy !req
564. Well, don't try to change the subject.Copy !req
565. I'm sorry, everyone. I'm sorry.
Just ignore the blood.Copy !req
566. - We haven't finished the meeting.
- I can't ignore... I'm sorry.Copy !req
567. I don't mean to be rude,
but this is a tad repulsive.Copy !req
568. I'm sorry. Excuse me.
Liza, come with me, I need you.Copy !req
569. Chad, stay here.Copy !req
570. Go, Buffy, you belong
to the vampire queen now.Copy !req
571. - Liza.
- I'm coming.Copy !req
572. Oh, my God. Shit! He's in there alone.Copy !req
573. I cannot stand to see
a woman bleed from the mouth.Copy !req
574. It reminds me of country and western
music, which I cannot abide. Huh?Copy !req
575. That stuff is just choking the airwaves.Copy !req
576. - Look, sorry, we just need...
- Oh, my God!Copy !req
577. - It's really bad. It's really bad.
- I can't touch anything...Copy !req
578. - Nobody was joking.
- It's... I need to catch it.Copy !req
579. How far are you with the committees?Copy !req
580. I've got it down to two, actually.Copy !req
581. One is the "Aims and
Policy Alignment Committee".Copy !req
582. The other is the
"Future Planning Committee".Copy !req
583. It's not the first one,
because I set that up.Copy !req
584. Does it really sound dull to you?
I thought it was a good name.Copy !req
585. Right, no... it is a good name.Copy !req
586. Well, find out if it really is the...
"Future Planning Committee".Copy !req
587. Find out if it really is that.Copy !req
588. Um... OK, well, I might go and do that.Copy !req
589. You're not going to shout at me
if I go and do that, are you?Copy !req
590. I'm not a monster, Liza. OK?Copy !req
591. Will you stop implying
that I'm some kind of monster?Copy !req
592. Bob!Copy !req
593. - Oh, hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
594. I wanted to tell you
we're having this stupidCopy !req
595. "hunk of the month of the office"
kind of contest.Copy !req
596. And I just didn't want, you know,
you to feel objectified in any way,Copy !req
597. - or anything like that.
- No, not at all.Copy !req
598. And Karen knows about
the Future Planning Committee.Copy !req
599. I have no idea
what you're talking about.Copy !req
600. - No?
- No.Copy !req
601. Excuse me.Copy !req
602. Future Planning Committee,
that's what it is.Copy !req
603. Wow!Copy !req
604. This is fucking cool.Copy !req
605. Don't be callow, Toby,
we're on official business.Copy !req
606. - This way, gentlemen.
- Oh, thanks.Copy !req
607. That was a little bit fucking cool.Copy !req
608. Yep.Copy !req
609. - Did you book a car?
- Me? No.Copy !req
610. Well, Judy will have booked a car.Copy !req
611. Judy?Copy !req
612. - Hi.
- For fuck's sake!Copy !req
613. I was wondering
what the car situation is?Copy !req
614. It's Robbie's job to book it
and your job to check it.Copy !req
615. There's obviously...
some snarl-up at her end, I think.Copy !req
616. - "Simon Forester. "
- Oh.Copy !req
617. Thank you very much.Copy !req
618. "England Government,
Simon Forester. "Copy !req
619. My name's Simon Foster,
it's British Government.Copy !req
620. Hey, Gav, I'm in a fucking motorcade.Copy !req
621. Yeah.Copy !req
622. I feel like we should have hookers,
do you know what I mean?Copy !req
623. I mean in here... now.Copy !req
624. - Do you want girls?
- No, no, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not.Copy !req
625. No, sorry.
No hookers, it was just a joke.Copy !req
626. I hate hookers. Not in
an aggressive way, but, no, thank you.Copy !req
627. Strange hotel.Copy !req
628. It's like a hangar
for businessmen, isn't it?Copy !req
629. - That's better, isn't it?
- It's big, yeah.Copy !req
630. Just bring them here, that's fine.Copy !req
631. Tobes, have you got any m...Copy !req
632. Well, I haven't been to an ATM,
so I've not... I've only got English.Copy !req
633. I mean,
I don't suppose English money is...Copy !req
634. This and this, sorry that's...Copy !req
635. It's usually a dollar a bag.Copy !req
636. Ooh, well, there's the Capitol,Copy !req
637. you can see there through
that window and that tree.Copy !req
638. Technically,
you've got a Capitol Hill view.Copy !req
639. Hi.Copy !req
640. Excuse me.Copy !req
641. Hello. How are you doing?Copy !req
642. Was it something I said?
I haven't seen you in a month.Copy !req
643. I haven't felt that in years. Thank you.Copy !req
644. You're beautiful.Copy !req
645. Oh, thank you.
I'm sure you say that to all the girls.Copy !req
646. Yes, I do...
and some of the soldiers, too.Copy !req
647. That's why you shouldn't
run for office, bimbo eruptions.Copy !req
648. Come on, don't believe that shit.
I'm not gonna run for office.Copy !req
649. I'm just trying to do something different.Copy !req
650. It's one of the reasons I like you.Copy !req
651. I know your passion
about education and housing and...Copy !req
652. - Lingerie. Bestiality.
- There you go.Copy !req
653. I'd forgotten about that.Copy !req
654. Are you still allergic to the dog?Copy !req
655. Yes, yes, I wake up and my eyes
are closed and my head is swollen...Copy !req
656. and I look like a giant ball sac.Copy !req
657. Oh, my God. You know,Copy !req
658. they do have modern medication
for that sort of thing.Copy !req
659. - Beautiful ball sac, though.
- Thank you very much.Copy !req
660. - How's the Pentagon?
- It's kicked up a little.Copy !req
661. They're talking invasion
reasonably seriously.Copy !req
662. Is there somewhere
we can talk about this?Copy !req
663. - I don't know.
- There must be.Copy !req
664. - I don't live here.
- Follow me.Copy !req
665. - Go that way.
- Don't let people know we're leaving.Copy !req
666. This is good. Her daughter's not home,
I talked to her.Copy !req
667. - In here?
- Yeah.Copy !req
668. Although, I don't know what we'll say
if somebody comes in right now.Copy !req
669. No, I can't think
of a good possible excuse, no.Copy !req
670. No, me neither, me neither.Copy !req
671. - What?
- Come here.Copy !req
672. Just be careful, don't mess stuff up.Copy !req
673. - Oh, come on, it's toys.
- Let's sit down.Copy !req
674. - So...
- Yeah.Copy !req
675. Not enough troops.Copy !req
676. Total minimum
European Theatre requirement.Copy !req
677. The Far East, Asia.Copy !req
678. - OK. That's how many we have?
- Total there, yes.Copy !req
679. And then we have the contingency
already deployed.Copy !req
680. OK, I don't... You've lost me.Copy !req
681. Hold on a minute...Copy !req
682. Oh, fuck this.Copy !req
683. What?Copy !req
684. Good.Copy !req
685. Your military hardware
is impressive, General.Copy !req
686. Yeah, well, not any more, it isn't.Copy !req
687. So, you add these together.Copy !req
688. So this is the number of combat troops
available for an invasion,Copy !req
689. according to these figures.Copy !req
690. 12!Copy !req
691. Thousand?Copy !req
692. No, 12. 12 troops.Copy !req
693. Oh, come on, you're shitting me?Copy !req
694. I am shitting you.
12,000 troops, 12,000 troops,Copy !req
695. but that's not enough...
that's the amount that are going to die.Copy !req
696. And at the end of a war
you need some soldiers left, really,Copy !req
697. or else it looks like you've lost.Copy !req
698. Bye, for now.Copy !req
699. You know what? I've got some Brits
I have to meet tomorrow.Copy !req
700. A guy named Simon Foster.Copy !req
701. Who's Simon Foster?Copy !req
702. He's this guy that said publicly
that war was unforeseeable.Copy !req
703. And I think he could be very useful
on the war committee.Copy !req
704. He can internationalise the dissent,
start to.Copy !req
705. You're going to use him
as a little meat puppet?Copy !req
706. Tobes... hi.Copy !req
707. Hi.Copy !req
708. What are we gonna... do tonight?Copy !req
709. Gonna do tonight?Copy !req
710. Yes, what are we up to, my...
my chief aide...?Copy !req
711. Well... yeah, I mean,
I sort of thought tonight...Copy !req
712. we'd probably be just a bit tired,
really.Copy !req
713. No, I am tired.
But I'm also a career politician, Toby,Copy !req
714. in the political powerhouse of the world
for 48 hours,Copy !req
715. and I thought it might be nice to go out
rather than just sitting in my room...Copy !req
716. trying to spank one out
over a shark documentary,Copy !req
717. because I'm scared if I watch a porno...Copy !req
718. it'll end up in
the register of members' interests. So...Copy !req
719. What have you got... for us to do?Copy !req
720. Right, what have I got?
Well, so far we've got...Copy !req
721. Well, there's a leaflet through the door...Copy !req
722. for happy hour at the bar
which might be interesting.Copy !req
723. Also I do have the number of a guy...Copy !req
724. I was at uni with
who works for CNN out here.Copy !req
725. - No.
- No?Copy !req
726. - Where are you?
- I'm waving at you.Copy !req
727. I don't see you, be more visible.Copy !req
728. I'm, like, practically on top of you, I'm
coming to you, is what I'm going to do.Copy !req
729. You can stop talking
on your cellphone now.Copy !req
730. Of course I can.Copy !req
731. Look, I have to leave.
Phone Simon Foster's guy.Copy !req
732. Tell them, come to the war committee.Copy !req
733. I'll give them some face time
tomorrow around ten o'clock.Copy !req
734. It'll be coffee and Danish.
Tea. They'll want tea.Copy !req
735. Tea and sympathy,
tea and a hand job, whatever.Copy !req
736. great deal that is unknown
about hammerhead sharks,Copy !req
737. such as their mating habits.Copy !req
738. You can definitely spot
the female ones.Copy !req
739. Hello.Copy !req
740. Hi, Toby, what are you doing tonight?Copy !req
741. Well, no, it's unbelievably hectic.
Actually we're...Copy !req
742. Their courtship is a violent affair.Copy !req
743. The male will bite the female
until she acquiesces.Copy !req
744. The war committee, that's a big thing,
Liza.Copy !req
745. Yeah, well,
I have been on committees before,Copy !req
746. the Challenges For The Cheese
Market, that was one of the big ones.Copy !req
747. Yeah, God, yeah. Love a drink.Copy !req
748. 40 minutes is perfect, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
749. Bye-bye. Bye. Bye. Bye, bye.Copy !req
750. - Matty, how's CNN?
- Great.Copy !req
751. I can't, mate, no.Copy !req
752. Liza Weld has got us onto the Future
Planning Committee in the morning.Copy !req
753. The "war committee"
to the likes of you and me.Copy !req
754. What are you talking about?Copy !req
755. The Future Planning Committee
is Linton's war committee.Copy !req
756. Do you not work for CNN
or is it the Cartoon News Network?Copy !req
757. Come in.
I just wasn't expecting to see you here.Copy !req
758. Physically here.
Obviously you're always in my heart.Copy !req
759. I'm here, I'm there, I'm fucking
everywhere, I'm the egg man.Copy !req
760. Have you come to insult me
in a different time zone?Copy !req
761. Yeah. No, sorry, I'm just off out
for a drink with her just now.Copy !req
762. No. You're barking up
the wrong cock there, my friend.Copy !req
763. Little Toby is staying very much
in his hammock this evening.Copy !req
764. - Simon, I've got us on the...
- Hiya.Copy !req
765. Jesus Christ, fucking hell, Malcolm.Copy !req
766. You're supposed to shit yourself
in there, not out here.Copy !req
767. I've got us on Linton's Future Planning
Committee for tomorrow morning.Copy !req
768. Brilliant. What is that?Copy !req
769. It's the war committee.Copy !req
770. What? The actual war...
the actual war committee?Copy !req
771. - Who's going to be there?
- Karen Clark, Liza Weld,Copy !req
772. me and Simon...Copy !req
773. Simon and me.Copy !req
774. How about the rest of the committee,
who are they going to be?Copy !req
775. Jimmy Osmond, Gwyneth Paltrow?
It's a diversion.Copy !req
776. The real committee,
that's happening at the White House.Copy !req
777. I'll text you the details,
because I'm going to go out...Copy !req
778. for a drink with
some State Department bods just now.Copy !req
779. Don't mention this to the press, OK?
Don't mention it to anyone.Copy !req
780. If the press get a whiff
that there's a war committee...Copy !req
781. even a cardboard one,
every fucker in this town...Copy !req
782. is gonna turn up and try and get on it.Copy !req
783. So no matter what gay bar
you end up in, keep it shtoom.Copy !req
784. I was watching that.Copy !req
785. Yeah, well,
I have to have a word with you.Copy !req
786. You might want
to slip into your negligee.Copy !req
787. - You see this mosh pit?
- Yeah.Copy !req
788. Well, they're mostly house staffers,
senators' interns.Copy !req
789. Tonight they rage hard,
but tomorrow they go back to the Hill...Copy !req
790. and argue noise-reduction legislation.Copy !req
791. - Is this yours or mine?
- I don't know, I've got three.Copy !req
792. So one of these has got to be yours.Copy !req
793. Those are like fluids that I've never...
would you call wax a fluid?Copy !req
794. No, it's not a fluid, it's more of a...Copy !req
795. - It's very intimate.
- It's an ooze... it's an ooze.Copy !req
796. Ooo... eugh!Copy !req
797. Karen will want you to say
"War is unforeseeable. "Copy !req
798. And Linton will want you to talk up the
"climbing the mountain of conflict" line.Copy !req
799. You say nothing, OK?Copy !req
800. You stay detached, otherwise
that's what I will do to your retinas.Copy !req
801. Right. Can I go to bed now, please?Copy !req
802. No, no, no, no.
We're going to stay here...Copy !req
803. and you are going to rehearse
saying nothing.Copy !req
804. Am I being tortured?Copy !req
805. You look worried.Copy !req
806. It's the paper that I wrote for Karen.Copy !req
807. It's called PWIP PIP, it's about war.Copy !req
808. The pros and cons,
and I came up with too many cons.Copy !req
809. I'm, like, fucking worried because...Copy !req
810. this is, like, my career on the line.Copy !req
811. I thought you were worried,
because you were looking worried.Copy !req
812. But you know, don't...
I mean, don't... don't worry.Copy !req
813. - Thank you.
- OK.Copy !req
814. - Sure.
- Thank you.Copy !req
815. God damn it!Copy !req
816. - Are you OK?
- Yeah, I'm just taking off my shoes.Copy !req
817. Why is that? Is it a mosque?Copy !req
818. It's just, like...Copy !req
819. Is it... Is it a bouncy castle?Copy !req
820. Can I just say,
what happens in Washington,Copy !req
821. stays in Washington, yeah?Copy !req
822. Well, I live in Washington, so that
doesn't, like, really work for me.Copy !req
823. Yeah?Copy !req
824. A number for a cab company
in Washington DC, please.Copy !req
825. Just straight through, straight through.
Hi, I need a cab.Copy !req
826. Well, I don't know.
I'm outside number 1427, moving on...Copy !req
827. I don't know,
it's a nice street, it's quite leafy,Copy !req
828. federal houses.Copy !req
829. Marcel's is nice.Copy !req
830. I like their wraps.Copy !req
831. And you should go to La Taverna,
the Greek place, that's fantastic.Copy !req
832. They do that thing
where they set fire to the cheese.Copy !req
833. What's that called? It's a lot of fun.Copy !req
834. Yes, it sounds fun.Copy !req
835. And, well, there's the Aerospace
Museum and the National Gallery.Copy !req
836. Do they set fire to the pictures?Copy !req
837. Yeah.Copy !req
838. Hi, sorry I'm so late for the meeting.
One or two issues getting here, but...Copy !req
839. - I'm Karen.
- Hi. Toby.Copy !req
840. Pull an all-nighter?Copy !req
841. - Well, I... I was led astray.
- Oh. By who?Copy !req
842. I... I just ran into some people
from the MoD and...Copy !req
843. Not Penny Grayling?Copy !req
844. No.Copy !req
845. Another... gang.Copy !req
846. Wow, I didn't realise we had
so many delegations in town.Copy !req
847. No, well... "The British are coming! "Copy !req
848. So...Copy !req
849. Yeah, you know what? I have a lot
of things to check on just now.Copy !req
850. So this would probably be
a good place to break things up.Copy !req
851. No problem.Copy !req
852. Brilliant.Copy !req
853. Bye.Copy !req
854. I've brought your bag for you.Copy !req
855. Cheers, man.Copy !req
856. Tobes, I don't want to have to
read you the riot act here,Copy !req
857. but I am going to have to read you
some extracts from the riot act.Copy !req
858. Like section one, paragraph one: don't
leave your boss twisting in the wind,Copy !req
859. and then burst in late
smelling like a pissed seaside donkey.Copy !req
860. "The British are coming. "Copy !req
861. All right, I was late for the meeting.
I am sorry,Copy !req
862. but it's not like I threw up in there,
is it?Copy !req
863. No, you're right, I'm being unfair.Copy !req
864. I should be thanking you
for not throwing up.Copy !req
865. Well done, you're a star.
You didn't wet yourself, did you?Copy !req
866. You're in the right city.
You didn't say anything overtly racist.Copy !req
867. You didn't pull your dick out
and start plucking it...Copy !req
868. and shouting, "Willy banjo. "Copy !req
869. No, I'm being really unfair.Copy !req
870. You'd got so much right
without actually being thereCopy !req
871. for the beginning of one of the
most important moments of my career.Copy !req
872. Thanks, you're a legend.Copy !req
873. That was just the beginning, do you
think? Are we going back in there?Copy !req
874. I don't know, we barely said hello.Copy !req
875. I've had muggings
that lasted longer.Copy !req
876. All we talked about
was flammable cheese.Copy !req
877. What if our meeting has
finished? What if Karen comes back,Copy !req
878. and then we're still sitting here?Copy !req
879. It's going to be embarrassing, isn't it?
We're going to look like groupies.Copy !req
880. What if the meeting hasn't finished?Copy !req
881. And she comes back
and we've disappeared?Copy !req
882. Maybe I could call Judy? She could...Copy !req
883. Please can we try
and just do one thing without Judy?Copy !req
884. Fine.Copy !req
885. I think we've drawn long enough
from that... teat.Copy !req
886. Surprisingly enough, a lot of the marble
in the building is not imported.Copy !req
887. - Really?
- It's really interesting...Copy !req
888. - If you study the stonework...
- Not at the moment.Copy !req
889. So, you made it in OK, right?Copy !req
890. Yeah, hunky-dory, thanks.
Can I get a coffee?Copy !req
891. Sure, sure.Copy !req
892. If we just get started, my assistant
should be bringing in coffee shortly.Copy !req
893. Your assistant?Copy !req
894. Yeah. So, item.Copy !req
895. We need to have a conversation about
the mood of the British Parliament,Copy !req
896. the bumps in the road ahead
and what not.Copy !req
897. I'm sorry, I don't...
This situation here is... is this it?Copy !req
898. No offence, son,
but you look like you should still be...Copy !req
899. at school with your head down
a fucking toilet.Copy !req
900. Your first point there, the offence?
I'm afraid I'm going to have to take it.Copy !req
901. Your second point, I'm 22, but item,
it's my birthday in nine days, so...Copy !req
902. if it will make you feel more
comfortable, we could wait.Copy !req
903. Don't get sarcastic with me, son.Copy !req
904. We burned this tight-arsed city
to the ground in 1814.Copy !req
905. And I'm all for doing it again,
starting with you, you frat fuck.Copy !req
906. You get sarcastic with me again...Copy !req
907. and I will stuff so much cotton wool
down your fucking throat...Copy !req
908. it'll come out your arse
like the tail on a Playboy bunny.Copy !req
909. I was led to believe
I was attending the war committee.Copy !req
910. Yes, Assistant Secretary of State
Linton Barwick asked me to brief you...Copy !req
911. on the work of
the Future Planning Committee.Copy !req
912. I'm away.Copy !req
913. And here we are.
The fucking Vice President...Copy !req
914. has also graced us with his presence.Copy !req
915. Give him a bottle of milk.Copy !req
916. You didn't wake me up.Copy !req
917. The thought crossed my mind,
but you just looked so sweet there.Copy !req
918. You know, with the jet lag and all.Copy !req
919. I don't know, I thought
you knew what you were doing.Copy !req
920. Well, no. Obviously I didn't know
what I was doing, I was asleep.Copy !req
921. That's how people walk through
windows, that's how that happens.Copy !req
922. Hey, Liza? I've got another call...Copy !req
923. for you about the committee
from Senator Crudden's office.Copy !req
924. Crudden? What is going on?Copy !req
925. I mean, how did CNN
know about the committee?Copy !req
926. Did Linton post, like,
an invite on Facebook or something?Copy !req
927. Liza? Everyone is so hot for this paper,
I just wanted to let you know.Copy !req
928. I'm about to run off another ten copies.Copy !req
929. - Just stop.
- It's like a Harry Potter book,Copy !req
930. if Harry Potter
made people really, really angry.Copy !req
931. You're in hot water,
you're lobsterising.Copy !req
932. Do you smell lobster?
Because I smell lobster.Copy !req
933. Strong... bisque wafting this way.Copy !req
934. How far would you go with Linton?Copy !req
935. You freaky little stalker.Copy !req
936. Downtown?
Or all the way up Brokeback Mountain?Copy !req
937. Smells like bisque. Smells like bisque.Copy !req
938. Where's the war committee?
I thought I was going.Copy !req
939. Simon's going. I thought
you were doing your one-to-one?Copy !req
940. Where the fuck is it happening?Copy !req
941. It's in the State Department
on the seventh floor.Copy !req
942. - Malcolm?
- What?Copy !req
943. Do you like how I'm telling you
what's going on where you are?Copy !req
944. Let me tell you what's going on
where you are, sweetheart.Copy !req
945. A certain vinegar-faced,
manipulative cowbag is about...Copy !req
946. to discover that she's out of
a fucking...Copy !req
947. job. Fucking hung up, haven't you?
You fucking hoity-toity fucking...Copy !req
948. Hey, buddy?
Enough with the curse words, all right?Copy !req
949. Kiss my sweaty balls, you fat fuck.Copy !req
950. - There's the grenade.
- I know, I'm looking at it.Copy !req
951. He's got "Climb the mountain
of conflict" on his picture.Copy !req
952. He's picked up on that?Copy !req
953. I'm a bumper sticker.Copy !req
954. Shit, there's Karen Clark.Copy !req
955. Have a meeting, have a meeting.Copy !req
956. What about the dialectic, as it spreads
across the different territories?Copy !req
957. - Interesting dialectic...
- Oh, hi.Copy !req
958. Hi. I'll see you at the committee.Copy !req
959. We're just sorting out a bit of prep...Copy !req
960. Very good, that's great.Copy !req
961. - Liza. They're still here.
- I know. I told them where it was.Copy !req
962. OK, let's go, let's go. Come on.Copy !req
963. Quick, we've got to keep up
with them, now. Let's roll.Copy !req
964. No, you can't say "let's roll",
they don't like it here.Copy !req
965. That's just who asked to be in
on the committee, it's crazy.Copy !req
966. - Yeah.
- Hello.Copy !req
967. Are you joining us
or shall we see you there?Copy !req
968. Oh, I'm so sorry. No, see you there.Copy !req
969. I don't need to do any of the things...Copy !req
970. that you need to go in there to do,
so I'll just see you there.Copy !req
971. - Toby, do you need to use the...?
- No, no, no.Copy !req
972. - I don't need the restroom.
- All right, OK.Copy !req
973. Yeah, they're insane.Copy !req
974. Where is it?Copy !req
975. I don't know. We can wait here.Copy !req
976. Wait round here. When they come out,
we'll follow them again.Copy !req
977. Plenty of room down the back.Copy !req
978. We seem to be
overrun with insurgents, Bob, huh?Copy !req
979. - There must have been a leak.
- Really, no kidding?Copy !req
980. - Unbelievable!
- Is this the wrestling? Is that the ring?Copy !req
981. There's General Miller.Copy !req
982. I think it's best that we move,
reconvene to a bigger, a larger venue.Copy !req
983. - If you follow my lead...
- Take an agenda.Copy !req
984. Please take an agenda,
we want to stick to that.Copy !req
985. This is a cluster fuck.
How did CNN know about this?Copy !req
986. - Hold onto that one!
- Could you get Miller to sign it?Copy !req
987. If we could do this
with a certain amount of energy.Copy !req
988. Just this way, folks.Copy !req
989. Moo!Copy !req
990. Find a chair,
wherever you're comfortable.Copy !req
991. More this way.Copy !req
992. Excellent. I'm room meat again.Copy !req
993. This is a massive abattoir
of room meat.Copy !req
994. Just so you know,
Karen and I did not appreciate...Copy !req
995. having to skulk around
like Mulder and Scully...Copy !req
996. to find out about the committee.Copy !req
997. Well, you're both here now, huh,
John and Yoko?Copy !req
998. We need to talk.Copy !req
999. How about my office,
- 30 tomorrow, huh?Copy !req
1000. OK, off you go.Copy !req
1001. - What do you mean?
- I've got this covered.Copy !req
1002. Go and find the next thing. Talk to that
Chad boy, the boy from The Shining.Copy !req
1003. He knows things.Copy !req
1004. - Don't make me pump Chad.
- No, I'm making you pump Chad.Copy !req
1005. Go on, it'll be easy-peasey
lemon-squeezy.Copy !req
1006. No, it won't. It'll be difficult, difficult,
lemon difficult, that is what it'll be.Copy !req
1007. Have a lovely afternoon.
Stop a war for me.Copy !req
1008. So, welcome
to the somewhat engorged...Copy !req
1009. session of
the Future Planning Committee.Copy !req
1010. Yes, Assistant Secretary, on point six,Copy !req
1011. it feels like there's already been
an assumption that we're invading...Copy !req
1012. and don't you think that we should
discuss the practical implications?Copy !req
1013. I mean, this is,
after all, the war committee.Copy !req
1014. This is the Future Planning Committee.Copy !req
1015. Well, unofficially,
it is called the war committee.Copy !req
1016. Well, Karen, unofficially,
we can call anything whatever we want.Copy !req
1017. I mean, unofficially, this is a shoe, but
it's not, Karen, it is a glass of water.Copy !req
1018. And this is
the Future Planning Committee.Copy !req
1019. Well, unofficially,
this appears to be bullshit.Copy !req
1020. - What's all this?
- "Climb the mountain of conflict!"Copy !req
1021. We're just choosing a font
for what looks appropriate.Copy !req
1022. What about that font the SS used?Copy !req
1023. Have you thought about
using that one?Copy !req
1024. Er... well,
that obviously has bad connotations.Copy !req
1025. Heavy metal?Copy !req
1026. - No, the SS.
- Oh, right.Copy !req
1027. Has a decision already been made,
in principle, to advocate invasion?Copy !req
1028. I would refer you
to the recent comments...Copy !req
1029. of our colleague from the UK,
Mr Simon Foster, in that regard.Copy !req
1030. Yes, I think that Mr Foster
would have something to say to that.Copy !req
1031. I'm... I'm certainly hearing both sides.Copy !req
1032. In England we have a saying
for a situation such as this,Copy !req
1033. which is that it's difficult, difficult...Copy !req
1034. lemon difficult.Copy !req
1035. You betcha. Huh?
I do think a consensus is forming.Copy !req
1036. No, No, it's not,
and you have no basis for saying that.Copy !req
1037. Karen, calm down.Copy !req
1038. Because we don't want you
to have another haemorrhage.Copy !req
1039. Linton! Linton!Copy !req
1040. Mr Tucker, isn't it?
Nice to see you again.Copy !req
1041. Are you fucking me about?Copy !req
1042. Is there a problem, Mr Tucker?Copy !req
1043. I've just come from a briefing
with a nine-year-old child.Copy !req
1044. You're talking about AJ.
AJ is one of our top guys.Copy !req
1045. He's a Stanton College Prep, Harvard.Copy !req
1046. One of the brightest and best.Copy !req
1047. Well, his briefing notes
were written in alphabetti spaghetti.Copy !req
1048. When I left, I nearly tripped up
over his fucking umbilical cord.Copy !req
1049. I'm sorry it troubles you
that our people...Copy !req
1050. achieve excellence
at such an early age.Copy !req
1051. But could we just move on
to what's important here?Copy !req
1052. Now, I understand that
your Prime Minister has asked you...Copy !req
1053. to supply us with some, say,
fresh British intelligence, is that true?Copy !req
1054. Yeah, apparently, your fucking
master race of highly-gifted toddlers...Copy !req
1055. - ... can't quite get the job done...
- All right.Copy !req
1056. between breast feeds
and playing with their Power Rangers.Copy !req
1057. So, an actual grown-up
has been asked to fucking bail you out.Copy !req
1058. Ah, Minister. Thank you so much
for your support, we appreciate it.Copy !req
1059. And what did you say,
that "Climb the mountain of conflict"?Copy !req
1060. - Right, that's terrific.
- It's quite complicated in terms of my...Copy !req
1061. It's early days, my friend.
All roads lead to Munich.Copy !req
1062. "All roads lead to Munich"?
What the fuck does that mean?Copy !req
1063. I think it just means...
Actually, I don't know what it means.Copy !req
1064. You see that?
Pull that out, America deflates.Copy !req
1065. Yeah, very easy to mock. The closest
you'll come to getting one of those...Copy !req
1066. is buying a fucking Toblerone.Copy !req
1067. I'll meet you in the car.
Come on, back to London.Copy !req
1068. So, what are we going back to...Copy !req
1069. apart from a nice cup of tea
and some knife crime?Copy !req
1070. Constituency surgery in Northampton.Copy !req
1071. Oh, great.Copy !req
1072. Meeting my constituents.Copy !req
1073. It's like being Simon Cowell
but without the ability to say,Copy !req
1074. "Fuck off you're mental. "Copy !req
1075. It's stuck.Copy !req
1076. Simon, do you mind?Copy !req
1077. If you just kick it at the bottom
really hard, that should do it.Copy !req
1078. I'm just going to go
and deal with that guttering.Copy !req
1079. We've just come back from America,
Roz.Copy !req
1080. Right. How was the President?Copy !req
1081. Good, actually. Yeah.Copy !req
1082. Good.Copy !req
1083. Oh, dear, how the mighty have fallen.
From White House to shitehouse.Copy !req
1084. Actually, mate, sorry, fuck this,
could you get under there?Copy !req
1085. - Is that any better?
- No.Copy !req
1086. This septic tank, if we didn't even know
it was there in the first place,Copy !req
1087. how come we're responsible for it now?Copy !req
1088. I think what's causing the problem...Copy !req
1089. is that it's not actually
a council septic tank.Copy !req
1090. - You should leave this to us now.
- Really?Copy !req
1091. Certainly, I'm completely on board.Copy !req
1092. - Is he?
- Thanks for coming in.Copy !req
1093. - All right?
- Right, yes, thank you.Copy !req
1094. - Thank you.
- Thanks very much.Copy !req
1095. Thanks.Copy !req
1096. - Hello.
- Hello.Copy !req
1097. - Mr Foster.
- Call me Simon.Copy !req
1098. - Right, OK.
- You've met Roz.Copy !req
1099. - I know I have.
- Lovely.Copy !req
1100. I'll keep it brief, I know you're
a busy man. There's a fellow there...Copy !req
1101. who wants to stop people talking
in foreign languages in shops.Copy !req
1102. Yeah. Well, this sometimes
can be a magnet...Copy !req
1103. for people who are
slightly mentally dispossessed.Copy !req
1104. And also very sensible people,
like yourself, Paul.Copy !req
1105. - Paul, why don't you just...
- Don't you fucking patronise me, mate.Copy !req
1106. Paul, why don't you
just outline the whole issue?Copy !req
1107. Right, OK, I'll tell you again.Copy !req
1108. Your constituency side wall...Copy !req
1109. - Uh-huh.
- ... is falling down.Copy !req
1110. Your wall... is falling
into my mother's garden.Copy !req
1111. She tried to call the office,
but she was fobbed off.Copy !req
1112. Fobbed off by your people, because
she's not Lord Snooty in a posh car...Copy !req
1113. or Madonna on a horse.Copy !req
1114. Well, that I... I find that sort of thing
incredibly irritating myself.Copy !req
1115. It's a patch from London,
it's Karen Clark. Urgent.Copy !req
1116. - Hello? Sorry, I'm not here.
- Sorry, Paul.Copy !req
1117. - I have to take this.
- Am I being fobbed off?Copy !req
1118. Absolutely not.Copy !req
1119. What's the difference between
being fobbed off and what happened?Copy !req
1120. You won't be able to forget me, Simon.Copy !req
1121. What's going on there, Simon?Copy !req
1122. It's... It's departmental business.
It's about a wall.Copy !req
1123. - Oh, Gaza?
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
1124. I'm wondering where you were
in committee, Simon.Copy !req
1125. I called for back-up and you sat there
like a dumb sack of shit.Copy !req
1126. Only maybe worse,
because, actually, on a molecular level,Copy !req
1127. shit is probably fizzling with energy.Copy !req
1128. I have to say, Karen, I do have
a clear strategy on this,Copy !req
1129. which is I'm playing...
playing the long game.Copy !req
1130. Still here, Simon.Copy !req
1131. They've bounced us into a short game,
and you just sat there like a...Copy !req
1132. What do you call it in England?
A wanker.Copy !req
1133. No, we don't call it that.Copy !req
1134. Paul. Paul.Copy !req
1135. Perhaps if I had a bomb strapped
to my chest, I'd get more attention.Copy !req
1136. He's mentioned the matter of a bomb.Copy !req
1137. I'm not going to let a bomb off,
I work for the National Trust.Copy !req
1138. How do I know
you're not going to let a bomb off?Copy !req
1139. Listen, Paul, why don't I give
you, the details of my cellCopy !req
1140. - so that you...
- Mobile phone details.Copy !req
1141. - Mobile phone details.
- Have you got a mobile, Paul?Copy !req
1142. - Of course I've got a fucking mobile!
- Roz.Copy !req
1143. What is wrong with you?Copy !req
1144. Five megapixels.Copy !req
1145. Can we see the wall?
Would that satisfy you?Copy !req
1146. - Well, it's a start.
- Friends again? Let's go and do it.Copy !req
1147. I'm not... not your friend,
and I'm not your friend.Copy !req
1148. Thank you.Copy !req
1149. That's a pleasure.Copy !req
1150. Thank you.Copy !req
1151. Done. I'm done, I'm done.Copy !req
1152. - Thank you.
- Let's go have a good look at that wall.Copy !req
1153. Four more constituents. How many
do you think are going to be like that?Copy !req
1154. OK, hang on.Copy !req
1155. Also the committee got leaked and
that leak came from your department.Copy !req
1156. I want a head on a plate, to go.Copy !req
1157. You're not my boss. Er... fuck off!Copy !req
1158. You can't make me sack people.Copy !req
1159. Why does she want someone sacked?Copy !req
1160. Ah, she said there's a leak...Copy !req
1161. The detail of the committee meeting
in America was made public.Copy !req
1162. There shouldn't have been
as many people there.Copy !req
1163. Right, and who does she want sacked?Copy !req
1164. - Somebody from our office.
- Right.Copy !req
1165. Let's forget it. Come on, next person.Copy !req
1166. - Could it have been Judy?
- Probably.Copy !req
1167. Judy, can you come
into my office, I need a word?Copy !req
1168. One second. Tobes, that's for you.Copy !req
1169. What is it?Copy !req
1170. - It's that madman about the wall.
- The war?Copy !req
1171. Wall! Eugh.Copy !req
1172. Will you please come into my office
so I can give you a bollocking?Copy !req
1173. - Yeah, OK, OK, what?
- Hello.Copy !req
1174. - Argh! Fucker!
- I want a word with you.Copy !req
1175. And you, Charlotte fucking Brontë.Copy !req
1176. What can I do for you, Paul?Copy !req
1177. You know those buttresses
that you had put up for the wall?Copy !req
1178. to even the untrained eye,
and I'm looking at them.Copy !req
1179. And my eye's trained.Copy !req
1180. No, I get that, I do... I understand that.Copy !req
1181. If that wall collapsed
and my mother was in the greenhouse,Copy !req
1182. that could crush her to death.Copy !req
1183. Do you know how old she is?
Tell the reporter how old you are.Copy !req
1184. I'm 60.Copy !req
1185. She's 60... You're not fucking 60!Copy !req
1186. If it's going in the newspaper, I'm 60.Copy !req
1187. Olivia Newton-John's 60 and she's not
on the fucking statins, is she?Copy !req
1188. - I didn't leak anything.
- Don't you fucking walk out on me.Copy !req
1189. - I'm just getting my tea.
- Let her get a cup of tea.Copy !req
1190. Could you just get your mum to stay
away from the wall for the time being?Copy !req
1191. She can't stay away,
she's got to water her plants.Copy !req
1192. Could she maybe do it with a hose,
from a distance?Copy !req
1193. She's got a watering can!Copy !req
1194. Calm down, Paul, calm down.Copy !req
1195. I'm not... I'm fucking Zen.Copy !req
1196. I've brought my nunchucks
if you need them, sir.Copy !req
1197. See how the meeting goes.Copy !req
1198. 12:30.Copy !req
1199. Hold on. General?Copy !req
1200. Yeah... Secretary Linton Barwick
asked me to let you know...Copy !req
1201. that his last meeting
looks like it's overrunning,Copy !req
1202. He sends his apologies.Copy !req
1203. When will he be here?Copy !req
1204. I don't have that information
at this moment.Copy !req
1205. What the fuck?Copy !req
1206. Huh?Copy !req
1207. - Did he stand me up?
- No, no, sir.Copy !req
1208. - You're more than welcome to wait.
- Do you know what I'm going to do?Copy !req
1209. I'm going to take
a nice big shit on his desk,Copy !req
1210. just to let him know that I was here.
Is that OK with you?Copy !req
1211. I don't think he'd like that too much, sir.Copy !req
1212. You can wait. We have
some very interesting periodicals.Copy !req
1213. - There's um...
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
1214. You want me to read a periodical
at this time of national crisis? Huh?Copy !req
1215. Sit here with my thumb up my ass
reading a paper?Copy !req
1216. Finding out what? Which little starlet
fucked some guy this week?Copy !req
1217. No, I wasn't suggesting that, sir.Copy !req
1218. Give this to your boss.Copy !req
1219. Yeah.Copy !req
1220. Get out of my way.Copy !req
1221. Oh, my God. What's up?Copy !req
1222. Fucking Linton stood me up.Copy !req
1223. He's playing me
like a turkey stick on a bass drum.Copy !req
1224. Do you know where he is?
He's playing squash.Copy !req
1225. With this little fucking twit?Copy !req
1226. No, not with... No, that's Chad.Copy !req
1227. He just carries that every day,
because he's hoping to play squash.Copy !req
1228. I was going to eat lunch in here. Can
you digest? Do you want some food?Copy !req
1229. Oh, yes, I can digest, yes.Copy !req
1230. Chinese OK?Copy !req
1231. Why don't you order me
some little mammals?Copy !req
1232. A little bunny and a little puppy,
and a little cat,Copy !req
1233. so I can twist their fucking neck off
and drink their blood.Copy !req
1234. My, my. All right.Copy !req
1235. While Foster jets around
at the taxpayers' expense,Copy !req
1236. his constituency wall is collapsing
and he doesn't give a shit.Copy !req
1237. It doesn't say that?Copy !req
1238. No. But it does say
"Wall-ace And Gromit".Copy !req
1239. Wall-ace, though.Copy !req
1240. You're being portrayed as
the biggest twat in Northamptonshire.Copy !req
1241. I've got bigger fish to fry, believe me.Copy !req
1242. I'm giving this to somebody else.
Jamie!Copy !req
1243. Ah, the crossest man in Scotland.Copy !req
1244. Well, if it isn't Humpty Numpty.Copy !req
1245. What is this? Surround bollocking?Copy !req
1246. Hey, with due respect, I hadn't finished.Copy !req
1247. If it isn't Humpty Numpty
sitting on top of a collapsing wall...Copy !req
1248. like some clueless egg cunt.Copy !req
1249. Now, I'm finished.Copy !req
1250. Hi, Jamie, this is Toby.Copy !req
1251. Oh, um... Toby Rice, I'm Simon's aide.Copy !req
1252. Hi, Toby, Toby. Very pleased
to meet you. Please sit down.Copy !req
1253. Now, right, that's enough of all
the fucking Oxbridge pleasantries.Copy !req
1254. - What's Oxbridge about saying hello?
- Shut it, Love Actually!Copy !req
1255. Do you want me
to hole punch your face?Copy !req
1256. Right, I'm off to deal
with the fate of the planet.Copy !req
1257. Be gentle with them.Copy !req
1258. Oh, you know me, Malc. Kid gloves...
but made from real kids.Copy !req
1259. Right, Butch and Gaydance,
this wall story is playing badly.Copy !req
1260. There's a cartoon
of you in here as a walrus.Copy !req
1261. A walrus?Copy !req
1262. I'm not fat,
I don't even have a moustache.Copy !req
1263. Fuck, they've given me tusks.Copy !req
1264. - Wal-rus.
- Yes, I know.Copy !req
1265. You get it? Wal-rus, wal-rus.Copy !req
1266. We called some builders. They didn't
turn up when they said they would.Copy !req
1267. What did you expect?Copy !req
1268. They're builders!Copy !req
1269. Have you ever seen a film
where the hero is a builder?Copy !req
1270. No, no, because they never
fucking turn up in the nick of time.Copy !req
1271. Bat-builder? Spider-builder? Huh?Copy !req
1272. That's why you never see
a superhero with a hod.Copy !req
1273. You know, my theory
is Malcolm built him in a lab...Copy !req
1274. out of bits of old psychopath.Copy !req
1275. Hello, ladies.Copy !req
1276. OK, well,
I'm just going to go to the bar.Copy !req
1277. Good idea, we're on the Sancerre.Copy !req
1278. - If you can afford that.
- If you can get served at the bar.Copy !req
1279. - Yes, thank you, Oscar Wilde.
- He might not get served, bless him.Copy !req
1280. Toby's got a message. Hang on.Copy !req
1281. What's that?Copy !req
1282. - Oh, fucking wow, I don't believe it.
- What?Copy !req
1283. I don't fucking... I don't believe it,
he's done it again.Copy !req
1284. Little shit, he's such a shit.Copy !req
1285. What?Copy !req
1286. - Here he is.
- There you are.Copy !req
1287. The finest Sancerre
in the Westminster reach.Copy !req
1288. So, this Liza, you shagged her, yeah?Copy !req
1289. What? No.Copy !req
1290. Were you aware he was ball-deep
in some Washington wonk?Copy !req
1291. - Suzy!
- I didn't know anything about his balls.Copy !req
1292. Can we not discuss my balls
and accusations in...Copy !req
1293. Just tell me why. Huh?Copy !req
1294. I don't know, Suzy. It was very weird
over there, very intense.Copy !req
1295. Right.Copy !req
1296. Maybe, I don't know,
on some level, subconsciously,Copy !req
1297. it was like a... it was just...
it was a last-ditch attempt to...Copy !req
1298. stop this... awful war, you know?Copy !req
1299. Just on a... I mean, you know,
I don't mean, obviously, to try...Copy !req
1300. - Wow.
- That's classic.Copy !req
1301. to try and actually stop it.Copy !req
1302. Toby, did you just say
that you had sex to stop the war?Copy !req
1303. No, no, no.Copy !req
1304. An anti-war shag? Is that what you
thought, Toby? Because, that's... Wow.Copy !req
1305. Can we just go and discuss this...Copy !req
1306. somewhere where there aren't
enormous children eating snacks?Copy !req
1307. He's got his little cannons
and he's got his little guns, and...Copy !req
1308. this is the problem
with civilians wanting to go to war.Copy !req
1309. Once you've been there,
once you've seen it,Copy !req
1310. you never want to go again,
unless you absolutely fucking have to.Copy !req
1311. It's like France.Copy !req
1312. Is there anything besides this to eat?Copy !req
1313. Have something else.
This has got a little protein, have that.Copy !req
1314. What's this, fish ass?Copy !req
1315. - So, you read Liza's paper, I guess?
- Yeah,Copy !req
1316. I'm a voracious reader.Copy !req
1317. I am the Gore Vidal of the Pentagon.Copy !req
1318. Gore's gay.Copy !req
1319. No, he's not.Copy !req
1320. I beg to differ, but...Copy !req
1321. He's gay? Because I've been saying
that Gore Vidal line.Copy !req
1322. He is gay.Copy !req
1323. Guess, I'd better stop saying that, then.Copy !req
1324. It's ridiculous.Copy !req
1325. The case against war
is far stronger than the case for war...Copy !req
1326. and the case for war
is caveated all to hell.Copy !req
1327. "Most analysts
believe the state is looking...Copy !req
1328. to expand aggressively
beyond its borders. "Copy !req
1329. Then you look down the caveats.
"The only source is "Ice Man".Copy !req
1330. A possible alcoholic" - he probably does
ten bags of methamphetamine a day.Copy !req
1331. The Ice Man.Copy !req
1332. If he even exists.Copy !req
1333. "The INR says we can't trust him. "
We're disputing our own intelligence.Copy !req
1334. We should leak this, you know.Copy !req
1335. When do you wanna leak it?Copy !req
1336. Me?Copy !req
1337. - Isn't that what you were suggesting?
- No.Copy !req
1338. You don't have to say
that it came from you.Copy !req
1339. No, I'm not leaking it.Copy !req
1340. Liza looks good today.Copy !req
1341. - I mean, has Linton read this thing?
- I don't think Linton reads.Copy !req
1342. Why don't you give it
a couple of weeks to settle down?Copy !req
1343. Oh, great, just what we need.
Old Anti-war Fuck is back.Copy !req
1344. - What the fuck's Cocoon doing here?
- What are you doing here?Copy !req
1345. - Well, I live here.
- Well, you don't, actually, Toby.Copy !req
1346. - Want another cup of tea, Michael?
- Yes, please. I'd love one.Copy !req
1347. OK, right, I'm taking
all my stuff from the kitchen.Copy !req
1348. - Do you want me to go?
- No, you stay there.Copy !req
1349. He's just getting his brie
and his peri-peri.Copy !req
1350. - Do you want me to help him pack?
- And certainly my quince paste.Copy !req
1351. Quince paste, he's such a prick.Copy !req
1352. Just going to gather up his shit clothes.Copy !req
1353. Shut up.Copy !req
1354. That's not how you fold them.Copy !req
1355. I'm not going to fucking Fiji,
I'm getting chucked out of my house.Copy !req
1356. They're all going in bin liners.Copy !req
1357. It makes all the difference
at the other end.Copy !req
1358. There is no other end, that's the point.Copy !req
1359. - Has she got big tits?
- Oh, Christ alive.Copy !req
1360. Yes, actually, she has.
She's got massive tits. Yes.Copy !req
1361. Look them up on Google Earth.
They've got their own postcode.Copy !req
1362. They're so enormous
that they actually...Copy !req
1363. suck in other tits
from the surrounding area.Copy !req
1364. Like you?Copy !req
1365. Thanks. See you, then.Copy !req
1366. OK.Copy !req
1367. Um...Copy !req
1368. Suzy, this is probably going to sound a
bit odd under the circumstances, but...Copy !req
1369. A quickie?Copy !req
1370. No. Thank you, but no.Copy !req
1371. It's about Liza.Copy !req
1372. Liza wrote a paper, it's called PWIP PIP.Copy !req
1373. PWIP what?Copy !req
1374. Who wrote that? Charles Dickens?Copy !req
1375. - Post War Planning Implications...
- Yeah, all right.Copy !req
1376. Right. I think, it could, if it was leaked,
stop this kind of rush towards a war,Copy !req
1377. you know, too quickly, that sort of thing.Copy !req
1378. - Just if it was leaked.
- You are such a coward.Copy !req
1379. Take your backlog of Mojo
and your shit clothes,Copy !req
1380. and your eighth of dope
and your flute and piss off.Copy !req
1381. OK, I'll just leave it there.Copy !req
1382. - I need advice myself.
- Let's take care of the car.Copy !req
1383. This should not be here.
This should not be here.Copy !req
1384. Sir. Everyone.Copy !req
1385. - The car is ready?
- All taken care of, sir.Copy !req
1386. - I'm handling travel.
- Why are people running around?Copy !req
1387. This had better be a fucking fire drill.Copy !req
1388. The President just announced he's
vetoing tariffs on Chinese auto imports.Copy !req
1389. That means, right,
he's buttering the Chinese up?Copy !req
1390. That he needs the Chinese to at least
abstain on the Security Council.Copy !req
1391. OK, so we're going to the UN.Copy !req
1392. - Yes, we're going to the UN.
- Shit.Copy !req
1393. Why didn't you tell me, Liza?Copy !req
1394. Since I created the budget deficit,Copy !req
1395. the President doesn't tend
to run things by me any more.Copy !req
1396. Don't get funny with me.
I am not in the mood to joke.Copy !req
1397. I'm... I'm getting that.Copy !req
1398. If you say we're leaving in ten minutes
that means we're leaving right now.Copy !req
1399. Not that I don't trust you,
but I don't trust you.Copy !req
1400. I am gonna go into Linton's office...Copy !req
1401. and I'm gonna pull the little pin
on that fucking grenade.Copy !req
1402. - Don't do that.
- I'm fucking joking.Copy !req
1403. I'm not gonna do that.Copy !req
1404. We have an elevator waiting for us.Copy !req
1405. Good. Step in,
thank you very much, just...Copy !req
1406. I just...Copy !req
1407. This job is incredibly stressful,
you know that?Copy !req
1408. Simon, you're not a lion tamer,Copy !req
1409. you're not a snooker player.Copy !req
1410. I don't want to back a war, Judy.Copy !req
1411. Look, put some hints out there,
put some nods and some winks out...Copy !req
1412. that I'm toying with resignation, OK?
See if the PM reacts.Copy !req
1413. - You want me to put out some winks?
- And nods, yeah.Copy !req
1414. What? Big nods?Copy !req
1415. No, no, just sort of...
that sort of size nod.Copy !req
1416. OK.Copy !req
1417. No, no, that's much too big.Copy !req
1418. I'm just nodding normally to say
I understand the need for a small nod.Copy !req
1419. Oh, yeah. No, no, sorry, yeah.Copy !req
1420. All right now, my lovely friends,
the bottom line is...Copy !req
1421. Oh, God, I hate that phrase.
"Bottom line. "Copy !req
1422. I mean, we're not in retailing.Copy !req
1423. Sorry. Michael's quite right.
I won't use that again.Copy !req
1424. The bottom line is the President
is going to the UN.Copy !req
1425. This will be the vote to commence
military intervention.Copy !req
1426. And the Prime Minister has decided
that we should join him.Copy !req
1427. Rob, Innis,Copy !req
1428. Little Bo Cock Jockey
and the Leakey Fucking Mingebox,Copy !req
1429. go back to your desks...Copy !req
1430. and prepare to start briefing now.Copy !req
1431. Michael, do you mind
if we use your office?Copy !req
1432. - What?
- For a couple of minutes?Copy !req
1433. Yeah. Michael, sorry. Bottom line
is, can you come out again?Copy !req
1434. Um... might need to turn the music off.Copy !req
1435. Yes.Copy !req
1436. - Right.
- OK.Copy !req
1437. So, this is all going to spin along
from here.Copy !req
1438. We're going to have a vote
and go to war.Copy !req
1439. We'll fight people, kill them.
Our children will get killed.Copy !req
1440. This is exactly the sort of thing...Copy !req
1441. that I didn't want to do
when I went into politics.Copy !req
1442. This is the opposite
of what I wanted to be doing.Copy !req
1443. That's why you have to stay
in Government, to influence things.Copy !req
1444. In here, you can influence things,
you can delay things.Copy !req
1445. Out there, you're just another...Copy !req
1446. mouthy, shouty mad fucker who people
don't want to make eye contact with.Copy !req
1447. Remember Mary? Remember what
happened? She took a stand on health.Copy !req
1448. Everybody decided
that she was mental.Copy !req
1449. Because The Sun
showed a picture of her...Copy !req
1450. with wide eyes and her head on a cow.Copy !req
1451. I happened to find that a particularly
powerful image.Copy !req
1452. Look... the Prime Minister
of this country,Copy !req
1453. he's not a fucking Viking, is he?Copy !req
1454. He doesn't drink blood.Copy !req
1455. He doesn't go around biting tramps.Copy !req
1456. I know the Prime Minister
isn't a Viking, Malcolm.Copy !req
1457. Unlike me,
he abhors physical violence.Copy !req
1458. Where is the intelligence,
the hard evidence?Copy !req
1459. We have got the fucking intelligence.Copy !req
1460. - I haven't seen it.
- The intelligence we've got is so deep,Copy !req
1461. so fucking hard,
it'll fucking puncture your kidneys.Copy !req
1462. Where's it coming from?Copy !req
1463. There is an informant.Copy !req
1464. Ice Man.Copy !req
1465. Ice Man?Copy !req
1466. I don't name them. Ice Man. Yeah.Copy !req
1467. And the fact is,
the stuff that he's given us is...Copy !req
1468. I've seen it.Copy !req
1469. It would make your blood run cold...Copy !req
1470. and clot and turn your insides
into fucking black puddings,Copy !req
1471. but certain box lickers...Copy !req
1472. are sitting on it,
but you're going to see it,Copy !req
1473. because the PM regards you...Copy !req
1474. as a key player in this now.Copy !req
1475. Simon, the Prime Minister wants
to speak to you in ten minutes.Copy !req
1476. He wants you to go to the UN.Copy !req
1477. OK.Copy !req
1478. See? You're on the A list now.Copy !req
1479. You're there in the VIP lounge.
You're a fucking Kennedy.Copy !req
1480. Yeah, Malcolm...Copy !req
1481. You've got the gold card,
the complimentary drinks,Copy !req
1482. the fucking hard on.Copy !req
1483. Show me the evidence -
my bottom fucking line.Copy !req
1484. Don't you start, as well.Copy !req
1485. Should I resign?Copy !req
1486. I floated that I might, then I thought I
wouldn't, so it'll look convincing if I did.Copy !req
1487. I mean, do you think,
is it braver to just resign...Copy !req
1488. and say, "No. No war"?Copy !req
1489. - Yes.
- Or...Copy !req
1490. is it braver...Copy !req
1491. to say, "I don't agree ",Copy !req
1492. and just grit my teeth
and get on with it?Copy !req
1493. No.Copy !req
1494. Is the really brave thing
actually doing what you don't believe?Copy !req
1495. No.Copy !req
1496. Maybe.Copy !req
1497. Because...Copy !req
1498. What's actually brave
about doing the right thing?Copy !req
1499. Nothing.Copy !req
1500. You know, doing the wrong thing is...Copy !req
1501. is... is braver,Copy !req
1502. in a way, isn't it?Copy !req
1503. And wars do sometimes work.Copy !req
1504. That erm...Copy !req
1505. the War for Independence.Copy !req
1506. You know, that worked
for the Americans, didn't it?Copy !req
1507. And... erm...Copy !req
1508. The Second World War.Copy !req
1509. I know, it's not...
It wasn't a good idea, millions died.Copy !req
1510. No, no, I know what you mean.Copy !req
1511. The Crimean War.
We got nurses out of that.Copy !req
1512. - Nurses are good.
- Yes. Exactly.Copy !req
1513. So, right, well, no, exactly.Copy !req
1514. So...Copy !req
1515. You're not resigning?Copy !req
1516. In the motorcade, can we get
a car without Judy, please?Copy !req
1517. You want hookers?
You like hooky fucky, sir?Copy !req
1518. No, I don't want...Copy !req
1519. - I want to talk about resigning.
- What again?Copy !req
1520. Yes, but with you and not her.Copy !req
1521. So, the wires are all currently reporting
that you're going to resign over the war.Copy !req
1522. What? That's not supposed
to get outside.Copy !req
1523. Well, it is outside. It's lurking outside,
like a big hairy rapist at a coach station.Copy !req
1524. Do you know, if I could,
I'd fucking punch you into paralysis.Copy !req
1525. So, you must be Simon.
I'm the British Ambassador to the UN,Copy !req
1526. Sir Jonathon Tutt.Copy !req
1527. Well, this is it, ladies and gentlemen.
This is the United Nations.Copy !req
1528. We, sir, are in here.Copy !req
1529. So, if there's anything you need,
just give me a whistle.Copy !req
1530. You know how to do that, don't you?
What do you do?Copy !req
1531. Hm? That's right. You put your lips
together and you blow.Copy !req
1532. I'm going to head up to
this delegates' reception.Copy !req
1533. I hope there's some nibbles,
because I'm ravenous.Copy !req
1534. Nibbles. Who still says "nibbles"?Copy !req
1535. Fuck the nibbles.
What was with the homoerotic tension?Copy !req
1536. OK. Your phone is off,
but there's been a catastrofuck here.Copy !req
1537. Someone's leaked Liza Weld's
PWIP PIP paper to the BBC.Copy !req
1538. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
1539. Ah, there we go.Copy !req
1540. I reckon it's going to be on the six
o'clock news, one o'clock your time.Copy !req
1541. That is going to fucking fist
your UN vote to death.Copy !req
1542. Hey, you! Freeze!Copy !req
1543. Right. Missing you loads.
PWIP PIP toodle-oo.Copy !req
1544. I want a fucking word with you.Copy !req
1545. OK, Jamie, two jobs.Copy !req
1546. Job one. Find the PWIP PIP leaker
and kill them. Job one has two parts.Copy !req
1547. Job two. Go to the BBC
and find out who's got it there.Copy !req
1548. We need them to delay
till after the vote. Yeah?Copy !req
1549. I love you.Copy !req
1550. Excuse me, I need a word with you.Copy !req
1551. Do not move from here
or I'll fucking stab you.Copy !req
1552. OK.Copy !req
1553. - Right. Was it you?
- No, it wasn't.Copy !req
1554. No. What?Copy !req
1555. - You know what I'm talking about.
- No.Copy !req
1556. And... And... whatever it was,Copy !req
1557. I almost certainly didn't do it.Copy !req
1558. - You, the baby from Eraserhead?
- No, no.Copy !req
1559. Then it must be you,
woman from The Crying Game.Copy !req
1560. It wasn't me.Copy !req
1561. You've really got it in for me,
haven't you?Copy !req
1562. Listen, somebody has dropped
a bollock in the noodles here.Copy !req
1563. - And I reckon it was you.
- Oh.Copy !req
1564. - Nice logic.
- Yeah, no, that sounds possible.Copy !req
1565. Will you just keep your nib out?Copy !req
1566. Psychologically speaking.Copy !req
1567. - Springer spaniel head.
- It's plausible.Copy !req
1568. You might have built up a resentment
and paid it off in some underhand way.Copy !req
1569. That's a thing I've observed people do.Copy !req
1570. Observe that.Copy !req
1571. - Right, Baldermort.
- Bloody hell, Malcolm.Copy !req
1572. Excuse us.Copy !req
1573. We are in a new reality here.Copy !req
1574. - OK?
- Right.Copy !req
1575. And I need you to speed things up.Copy !req
1576. OK. Speed what up, Malcolm?Copy !req
1577. - The debate.
- Right.Copy !req
1578. I need you to bring it
from 1:30pm to 11 am.Copy !req
1579. Right. Let me tell you how the process
works here and why that's not possible.Copy !req
1580. Just fucking do it, otherwise you'll find
yourself in the Caucuses,Copy !req
1581. in a Medieval fucking war zone,Copy !req
1582. arse in the air, trying to persuade
men in balaclavas...Copy !req
1583. that sustained sexual violence
is not the fucking way forward, OK?Copy !req
1584. It cannot be done and it will not
be done. There's an end to it.Copy !req
1585. Ok, I'll do it. Through here?Copy !req
1586. You will not do it
because that is a breach of protocol.Copy !req
1587. - Well, you do it.
- No, I will not do it.Copy !req
1588. - In there. Do it.
- I'm not dancing with you on this.Copy !req
1589. - Get through there and do it, now.
- I'm not.Copy !req
1590. Right... well...Copy !req
1591. Erm... everyone, if I could just...Copy !req
1592. Is this...Copy !req
1593. Can you hear me?Copy !req
1594. I just wondered if we might er...
ask for a...Copy !req
1595. a cheeky early vote,Copy !req
1596. a sort of a little bit of an adventure.Copy !req
1597. Yeah, we've got to plug that leak.Copy !req
1598. I don't know what else they've got
and where's this intel?Copy !req
1599. Are you sure you're working as hard
as me? I'm sweating spinal fluid here.Copy !req
1600. I'm a fucking husk.Copy !req
1601. Jesus.Copy !req
1602. - Got everything you need?
- Yeah. Yeah, thanks.Copy !req
1603. Whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
1604. General Flintstone.Copy !req
1605. Was it you?Copy !req
1606. Did you leak PWIP PIP?Copy !req
1607. I mean, I know you can't fire a gun,
but can you use a fax?Copy !req
1608. No, I didn't leak PWIP PIP.
I do everything up front. OK?Copy !req
1609. Not like some creepy little gay
mercenary that sneaks around...Copy !req
1610. doing other people's dirty work.Copy !req
1611. Hey, I am doing my own work.Copy !req
1612. I'm doing my job.Copy !req
1613. No, you're doing Linton's dirty work.Copy !req
1614. You're his English bitch
and you don't even know it.Copy !req
1615. I bet if I went into your hotel room
tonight, I'd see you on all fours,Copy !req
1616. little fishnets on,
him hanging onto the back of you.Copy !req
1617. Oh, that's nice, that's nice.Copy !req
1618. That's tough talk coming from
a fucking armchair general.Copy !req
1619. Why don't you put your feet up
on a pouf and go back to sleep?Copy !req
1620. Tucker, you might be a scary little
poodle fucker, back there in London,Copy !req
1621. but here you're nothing.Copy !req
1622. You know what you look like?Copy !req
1623. A squeezed dick.Copy !req
1624. You've got a little blue vein
running up the side of your head.Copy !req
1625. See, that's where I'd put the bullet.Copy !req
1626. But I'd have to stand back,
cos you look like you'd be a squirter.Copy !req
1627. Have you ever, even actually...Copy !req
1628. killed anybody, I mean, really?Copy !req
1629. Yeah.Copy !req
1630. Falling asleep on someone.
That doesn't count.Copy !req
1631. That's good. That's good.Copy !req
1632. How about you, pussy drip,
ever kill anybody?Copy !req
1633. Maiming is what I prefer,
psychologically.Copy !req
1634. Why don't you try to maim me?Copy !req
1635. I'll hit you so hard in the face,
you'll be shitting teeth.Copy !req
1636. Go right ahead.Copy !req
1637. I can see the headlines right now.Copy !req
1638. "Peace-loving general starts fight
at the UN. Swiss intervene. "Copy !req
1639. I don't know, I'm not an expert on spin,
but that could hurt your career.Copy !req
1640. Yeah?Copy !req
1641. - Yeah?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1642. Now, do excuse me.Copy !req
1643. I've got work to do.Copy !req
1644. Don't ever call me
fucking English again.Copy !req
1645. Suzy, well done.Copy !req
1646. This is absolutely superb.Copy !req
1647. Hey, horse of the year, was it you?Copy !req
1648. - Was what me?
- Answer the fucking question!Copy !req
1649. Was it you?Copy !req
1650. Was what me, Jamie? I have no idea
what you're talking about.Copy !req
1651. She can't answer the question,
can she? Unless she knows what it is.Copy !req
1652. You...Copy !req
1653. leaked Liza Weld's paper
to the BBC, right?Copy !req
1654. Now, tell me you leaked it.Copy !req
1655. No, I didn't. I didn't leak it.Copy !req
1656. I know...Copy !req
1657. the leak came from in here.Copy !req
1658. From...Copy !req
1659. this fucking fax machine right here.Copy !req
1660. No. There's no... There's no way.Copy !req
1661. Do you see...Copy !req
1662. what I'm doing to this machine?Copy !req
1663. - Jamie, don't.
- See?Copy !req
1664. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
1665. Fuck, Jamie.Copy !req
1666. You see how... angry I am with the...Copy !req
1667. piece of office equipment
that leaked this document?Copy !req
1668. Huh?Copy !req
1669. Michael.Copy !req
1670. Can you even imagine how angry I am
with the person who leaked it, can you?Copy !req
1671. - That's really... expensive, Jamie.
- Can you, Suzy?Copy !req
1672. Jamie, it was me.Copy !req
1673. Oh, don't come over
all fucking Spartacus on us now.Copy !req
1674. - I leaked it.
- What are you doing?Copy !req
1675. No, hang on, hang on. For a start...Copy !req
1676. turn that fucking racket off!Copy !req
1677. - Turn it off.
- It's just vowels.Copy !req
1678. Subsidised foreign fucking vowels.Copy !req
1679. The only reason you listen to this shit
is because it's bad form...Copy !req
1680. to actually wear a hat that says,Copy !req
1681. "I went to private school. "Copy !req
1682. So, tell me now, right.Copy !req
1683. - Who did you leak it to?
- I just sent it.Copy !req
1684. I read it, I thought it was important,
so I sent it.Copy !req
1685. Good. Fine. See that fax?Copy !req
1686. Yes.Copy !req
1687. That is your career.Copy !req
1688. And I think it might be fucked,
but let's just check.Copy !req
1689. Yeah, yeah, it's pretty fucked.Copy !req
1690. Now, I hope you can play the spoons.Copy !req
1691. You're too old to go back
to being a gentleman's fluffer.Copy !req
1692. Simon? Simon.Copy !req
1693. Congratulations.
I didn't think you had it in you.Copy !req
1694. Hi.Copy !req
1695. - This is great, Simon.
- He's resigning.Copy !req
1696. - Have you seen it? It's a good picture.
- Oh.Copy !req
1697. - They're running with that?
- In a very big way.Copy !req
1698. I didn't say that.Copy !req
1699. What?Copy !req
1700. - What?
- You're not resigning?Copy !req
1701. Are you still playing the hawk?Copy !req
1702. In a way, it's... I'm playing a much
cleverer game than that.Copy !req
1703. I'm a...Copy !req
1704. I'm a fake hawk.Copy !req
1705. A what?Copy !req
1706. A fake hawk.Copy !req
1707. You're an idiot.Copy !req
1708. Or are you being a fake idiot?Copy !req
1709. So, we float it, anyway, tell the press
that he confirmed to us he's resigning.Copy !req
1710. - That's what we'll do, then.
- What?Copy !req
1711. - It's decided, then.
- Sorry. No, it bloody isn't.Copy !req
1712. I'm me. OK?Copy !req
1713. You're not me.Copy !req
1714. I decide about all the main things
about me.Copy !req
1715. - Not any more.
- Not you, me.Copy !req
1716. Simon, the only thing that we can do
to influence events now is to resign.Copy !req
1717. That's it, OK?Copy !req
1718. - Sacrifice ourselves.
- Like a suicide bomber?Copy !req
1719. No, not like suicide bomber.
A suicide bomber makes a decision.Copy !req
1720. Are you OK?Copy !req
1721. I'm thinking of becoming
a suicide bomber.Copy !req
1722. Right.Copy !req
1723. - Would you like a mint?
- No.Copy !req
1724. They're really not that good
for the teeth, you know, rots them slowly.Copy !req
1725. - It's early.
- Do you like me, Judy?Copy !req
1726. Well... you're my boss, you know.Copy !req
1727. But do you really like me?Copy !req
1728. Yeah.Copy !req
1729. I'll... I'll just leave you to
your thoughts.Copy !req
1730. OK?Copy !req
1731. I haven't got any thoughts.Copy !req
1732. I'm just staring vacantly into space.Copy !req
1733. While a distant voice
in the back of my head goes,Copy !req
1734. "Oh, shit",Copy !req
1735. like a car alarm,
in the middle of the night.Copy !req
1736. Why? Has Jamie been round?Copy !req
1737. - Because he's...
- This is you, isn't it?Copy !req
1738. Suzy, can I phone you back in a few
minutes for a further bollocking?Copy !req
1739. I'll just deal with this one here.Copy !req
1740. I have got something really, really big
in my career lined up for me...Copy !req
1741. and you're going to fuck it up
because of this leak.Copy !req
1742. What did you...?
What would be fucked up?Copy !req
1743. Chad, I don't need to tell you anything.Copy !req
1744. I want to tell you a story.Copy !req
1745. When the Titanic went down,
there were lifeboats.Copy !req
1746. They had extra room on them
and there were people in the water.Copy !req
1747. Some people on the boats just wanted
room to stretch their legs,Copy !req
1748. but people in the water froze
and that was on their conscience.Copy !req
1749. You talk entirely in parables.
You're like a crap Jesus.Copy !req
1750. Tread lightly. OK?
You are fucking with the wrong person.Copy !req
1751. - Oh, really?
- Yes. I've got this town on lockdown.Copy !req
1752. We're both and so...Copy !req
1753. - Fuck you all.
- A common enemy.Copy !req
1754. Hello.Copy !req
1755. Hello!Copy !req
1756. Hello, Paul.Copy !req
1757. - Guess what's happened to my wall?
- Could you hold on just a second?Copy !req
1758. The Vice President's... Doesn't matter.Copy !req
1759. Of America. Yes. That one.Copy !req
1760. So, we're getting a little close
to the wire, Mr Tucker.Copy !req
1761. Where is that intel, huh?Copy !req
1762. What sort of intel have you rustled up?Copy !req
1763. - Ah, the smoking intel?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1764. Well, honestly, I haven't got it.Copy !req
1765. You haven't got it?Copy !req
1766. All right. OK.Copy !req
1767. Well, then, can you delay the vote?
It'd give you the time to get it.Copy !req
1768. I've just had it brought forward.Copy !req
1769. Sorry, I'm just erm... getting my mints.Copy !req
1770. I am telling you, delay the vote...Copy !req
1771. and make yourself some time to get
the intel, because I need it, my friend.Copy !req
1772. Hey. OK.
Just a quick reality check here,Copy !req
1773. J Edgar Fucking Hoover,
I don't work for you.Copy !req
1774. You don't fucking tell me what to do.Copy !req
1775. OK. Firstly, don't raise your voice.Copy !req
1776. This is a sacred place.Copy !req
1777. Now, you may not believe that
and I may not believe that,Copy !req
1778. but, by God, it's a useful hypocrisy.Copy !req
1779. And, secondarily,Copy !req
1780. I believe your Prime Minister
has instructed you to work for me.Copy !req
1781. Take your sweeties and fuck off.Copy !req
1782. Oh, the great Malcolm Tucker.Copy !req
1783. One of your guys leaks a paper.
You can't do anything.Copy !req
1784. Huh? We tell you to get some intel.
You can't do anything.Copy !req
1785. I need you to move the vote back.
You can't do anything.Copy !req
1786. I am afraid you are nothing
but a useless piece ofCopy !req
1787. S star-star T.Copy !req
1788. What the fuck do you want?Copy !req
1789. Erm... sorry, I...Copy !req
1790. I've just heard that the constituency
wall has started to collapse.Copy !req
1791. A brick's fallen out. Well, that's
the news I'm getting, at the moment.Copy !req
1792. There'll be more to follow.Copy !req
1793. News and bricks.Copy !req
1794. My God, that sounds important.
Take care of that, Mr Tucker. Yes?Copy !req
1795. I think that's more your speed.Copy !req
1796. I can see you, with your shirt off and
a wheelbarrow, whistling a happy tune.Copy !req
1797. Get on that.Copy !req
1798. You work for him?Copy !req
1799. This is very fucking complicated stuff.Copy !req
1800. After the vote...Copy !req
1801. I resign.Copy !req
1802. Oh, fuck off!Copy !req
1803. Resigning?Copy !req
1804. How fucking impressive!Copy !req
1805. Resign. The horse has bolted. It's out
there now. It's getting fucking shot!Copy !req
1806. I'll see you later, Malcolm.Copy !req
1807. You...Copy !req
1808. You repeat...Copy !req
1809. one word of what you have
heard here...Copy !req
1810. and I'm going to fucking
take your leg off... I'll fucking...Copy !req
1811. The shin bone.Copy !req
1812. I'm going to take the shin bone,
I'm going to break it in two...Copy !req
1813. and I'm going to fucking stab you
to fucking death with it, right?Copy !req
1814. So, just... just...Copy !req
1815. go away.Copy !req
1816. Go away.Copy !req
1817. Hi. BBC News Desk, please.Copy !req
1818. Malcolm Tucker.Copy !req
1819. Hi, Ben.Copy !req
1820. Listen, I hear that you might be
preparing a story that we might not like.Copy !req
1821. - Yeah, please.
- Ow!Copy !req
1822. I just wanted to say, please, this
garden-wall story, don't run with that.Copy !req
1823. Ow!Copy !req
1824. Simon Foster's constituency office wall.Copy !req
1825. That's what you've got, haven't you?Copy !req
1826. Oh, shit. I haven't let the cat
out of the bag, have I?Copy !req
1827. Please, don't run with that.
My reputation will be in tatters.Copy !req
1828. - Ow!
- And he is gone!Copy !req
1829. My hand is really
quite badly scalded now.Copy !req
1830. I know it was you who leaked
Linton's war committee.Copy !req
1831. Oh. Right. Erm...Copy !req
1832. - It wasn't.
- It wasn't?Copy !req
1833. That's what you'll say...Copy !req
1834. when they fly you to Diego Garcia
and carry out a cavity search?Copy !req
1835. I don't actually recall.Copy !req
1836. It was a very busy time.Copy !req
1837. That's better. OK.Copy !req
1838. I am putting you
on a probationary period...Copy !req
1839. from today,
until the end of recorded time.Copy !req
1840. - All right.
- Do you understand?Copy !req
1841. - Yes.
- You're my guy now. Right?Copy !req
1842. I own you. You are my Kunta Kinte.
Go and get your fucking laptop.Copy !req
1843. Mr Ambassador, with your big, baldy
head, you are spoiling us! A word?Copy !req
1844. Excuse us, just for a second.Copy !req
1845. I'm pleased to be able to tell you that,
by some huge effort on my behalf,Copy !req
1846. I've brought your vote forward
by an hour and a half. Say "thank you".Copy !req
1847. - Great. Well, I need it delayed now.
- Very funny.Copy !req
1848. By an hour, at least.Copy !req
1849. Well, actually, two and a half hours,
now that you've brought it forward.Copy !req
1850. No. I will not put myself through that
humiliation again. I'm just not doing it.Copy !req
1851. Right.
What can I say? Erm...Copy !req
1852. Ah, right, Frank and Nancy Sinatra.
I've got good news for you.Copy !req
1853. You're notfired.
That's great news, isn't it?Copy !req
1854. - Well, it sounds ominous.
- We want to get Liza Weld's PWIP PIP...Copy !req
1855. out there properly,
in the public domain.Copy !req
1856. We just need to refine it a bit.Copy !req
1857. - What do you want to refine?
- Just mess it up.Copy !req
1858. Move the paragraphs. Change
the name of the main informant.Copy !req
1859. - Well, that's a complete fabrication.
- Changing his name doesn't matter.Copy !req
1860. Do you think
he's reallycalled Ice Man? Huh?Copy !req
1861. "To Mr and Mrs Man, a son... Ice. "Copy !req
1862. So, change it to another name.Copy !req
1863. What's the name
of the fuck with the fiddle?Copy !req
1864. - This happens to be Debussy.
- Debussy.Copy !req
1865. - Well, we'll change it to Debussy, then.
- No, we will not!Copy !req
1866. Now, your prints
are gonna be all over this, Michael,Copy !req
1867. but that's the only way
you can save your job, you leaky fuck.Copy !req
1868. - Don't make me do this.
- It wasn't him.Copy !req
1869. Somebody must have come in there
and used the fax machine.Copy !req
1870. - It could have been anyone.
- Fax machine?Copy !req
1871. Ah, no! Don't worry about that.Copy !req
1872. No, I made that up.Copy !req
1873. No, the document
was leaked by e-mail.Copy !req
1874. It's just, the fax machine was there,
and it's easier to kick.Copy !req
1875. Come on, Thick White Duke!Copy !req
1876. - Don't shout at...
- Come with me.Copy !req
1877. Right, OK. Is it up? Have you got it up?Copy !req
1878. Yeah, it's all fine.Copy !req
1879. OK. Cut the top paragraph
and paste it into page 5.Copy !req
1880. Right, yeah, we've done it.Copy !req
1881. Page 6- get rid of the footnotes.Copy !req
1882. Done.Copy !req
1883. - Go to page 9.
- Go to page 9.Copy !req
1884. Highlight from that page
to the end of the document.Copy !req
1885. - Go on, do it.
- The caveats?Copy !req
1886. - OK. Delete.
- Right, OK, we're doing it. Delete it.Copy !req
1887. You can't delete
the arguments against the war.Copy !req
1888. Oh. There's a shake of the head here,
Malc. I think he's crashed.Copy !req
1889. Give him a thump - that usually works.Copy !req
1890. Let me try
a wee bit of manual override.Copy !req
1891. Let's see if it is possible to delete
the arguments against the war.Copy !req
1892. Hey! You coulddelete it, after all.
It's done.Copy !req
1893. Great. Now, attach that to an e-mail.Copy !req
1894. Yes, done it. Done it.Copy !req
1895. Let's find a printer.Copy !req
1896. - Right.
- The Japanese. They'll have a printer.Copy !req
1897. - Well, we can't just present it like this.
- No, we can't.Copy !req
1898. Go and get me a blue folder.Copy !req
1899. - Well, OK. Where from?
- I don't know.Copy !req
1900. I've never been in a fucking stationery
cupboard. I do my shagging in hotels.Copy !req
1901. Just take out all the conditionals.Copy !req
1902. Like, "might" becomes... Instead of
"might have found", "have found". OK?Copy !req
1903. Be audacious.
Just re-write the whole damn thing.Copy !req
1904. Declarative sentences-
that's what I want.Copy !req
1905. - Take 'em all out.
- Linton, come here.Copy !req
1906. - What is it?
- The intel your guys couldn't find.Copy !req
1907. Yeah?Copy !req
1908. I think that I am owed
a massive, grovelling apology.Copy !req
1909. Congratulations, huh?Copy !req
1910. Maybe they'll give you a knighthood.Copy !req
1911. A pleasure doing business with you.Copy !req
1912. You know,
I've come across a lot of psychos...Copy !req
1913. but none as fucking boring as you.Copy !req
1914. I mean, you are a real, boring fuck.Copy !req
1915. - Sorry. I know you dislike swearing.
- No, that's all right.Copy !req
1916. So, I'll sort that out.
You are a boring F star-star cunt.Copy !req
1917. - Are we pretty much...
- Everything as you requested.Copy !req
1918. Fine. Good. Ah, welcome aboard, Liza.Copy !req
1919. I will make this brief and to the point.Copy !req
1920. We're gonna go in,
we're going to state our case,Copy !req
1921. with new British intelligence
from source Debussy,Copy !req
1922. we win the argument,
we get the hell out. All right?Copy !req
1923. Resolution 2238 is passed.Copy !req
1924. Yeah. That's that, then.Copy !req
1925. Yeah?Copy !req
1926. Jolly good. "That's that, then,"
is your line for the ages, is it?Copy !req
1927. What?Copy !req
1928. Well, I remember,
the day that war was declared,Copy !req
1929. I turned to the Minister, and he said...Copy !req
1930. "That's that, then.
Anyone want a mint?"Copy !req
1931. Piss off, Toby.Copy !req
1932. - How long before British troops...
- Well done, Michael.Copy !req
1933. You did a really, really, really good job.Copy !req
1934. Oh, for fuck's sake, don't cry.Copy !req
1935. I e-mailed my resignation
five minutes ago.Copy !req
1936. And yours should come pretty soon,
for the biggest media impact.Copy !req
1937. - I've been thinking.
- Yeah?Copy !req
1938. This has been the hardest
political decision of my career.Copy !req
1939. I'm not going to resign.Copy !req
1940. Huh! What the fuck, George?Copy !req
1941. Before the war, I was going to resign,Copy !req
1942. but now that there's a war on...
I can't resign.Copy !req
1943. You said that this was intolerable.
You said we would go together.Copy !req
1944. It is intolerable,
but I'm going to have to tolerate it.Copy !req
1945. And I still agree with myself on that.Copy !req
1946. But my loyalty is to the kids.
I am a soldier.Copy !req
1947. You're not a soldier.Copy !req
1948. - I've been a soldier my whole life.
- Yeah?Copy !req
1949. What do you mean, I'm not a soldier?
I'm a soldier.Copy !req
1950. Look at the uniform - you think
I'm one of the Village People?Copy !req
1951. When did you shoot a guy last?Copy !req
1952. Oh, not shooting someone in 15 years
means I'm not a soldier?Copy !req
1953. You know, the Army doesn't make you
drag some bloody corpse...Copy !req
1954. into the Pentagon every five years,
to renew your "soldier's licence".Copy !req
1955. It's unnecessary! And if you were
a good general, you'd have some balls!Copy !req
1956. Look, shut up about my balls.
My balls have been around.Copy !req
1957. You've got no idea
where my balls have been.Copy !req
1958. I can talk about your balls all you want,
cos I remember when...Copy !req
1959. Oh, I fucked you once 20 years ago,
and I never hear the end of it!Copy !req
1960. Every time we're together, I hear
this shit. I don't even remember it!Copy !req
1961. Come on, Chad. We have to draft
resignation announcements.Copy !req
1962. Actually, I think I might stay
with the General, if that's OK.Copy !req
1963. If he's staying, I might stay with him,
see what assistance I can furnish.Copy !req
1964. OK... General Shrek
and his faithful, talking donkey.Copy !req
1965. - That was nice.
- OK, well done.Copy !req
1966. - What are you sticking around for?
- Well, to let you know...Copy !req
1967. that I think you've got...Copy !req
1968. big balls...Copy !req
1969. - It's like... two-thirds of the snowman.
- Dear God.Copy !req
1970. - We did it, Bob, huh?
- Yes, we did, sir.Copy !req
1971. There were a few moments
where it got a little hairy.Copy !req
1972. No, there weren't.Copy !req
1973. No, no, no, Simon. No, no, listen.Copy !req
1974. Hey, hey, hey.
Look, look, look. No, no, no.Copy !req
1975. - You still don't need to resign.
- I do.Copy !req
1976. I'm resigning in an hour,Copy !req
1977. and there's nothing
you can do about it now.Copy !req
1978. - Boss...
- Yes?Copy !req
1979. Erm...
it's all over the BBC News websites.Copy !req
1980. Partial collapse of the wall.
Mrs Michaelson's greenhouse.Copy !req
1981. Obviously, a pane's been smashed.Copy !req
1982. The BBC
must have had a crew down there.Copy !req
1983. God, how ridiculous!Copy !req
1984. And that's news?Copy !req
1985. It's not ridiculous.Copy !req
1986. It's not ridiculous at all... You're fired.Copy !req
1987. What?Copy !req
1988. Over the wall -
I mean, that's just not tolerable.Copy !req
1989. It's a fucking wall, Malcolm.Copy !req
1990. Look. Give me the paper.Copy !req
1991. The Telegraph has a cartoon of you
teetering on the Great Wall of China,Copy !req
1992. suggesting you are the only
political fuck-up visible from space.Copy !req
1993. Look at this. Look at it.Copy !req
1994. No-one could survive this.Copy !req
1995. The PM's very clear about this.
You're sacked - over the wall.Copy !req
1996. - No.
- Yes!Copy !req
1997. No. You-You-You haven't
even spoken to the Prime Minister.Copy !req
1998. I- I-I have.Copy !req
1999. You fucking haven't!
I've been here in front of you.Copy !req
2000. I have spoken to the PM. Whether it
happenedor not is irrelevant. It is true.Copy !req
2001. And he was very clear -
you've got to go.Copy !req
2002. Ha!Copy !req
2003. If you think I'm going quietly,
Malcolm...Copy !req
2004. you've... you've made a mistake.Copy !req
2005. Well, if you want to turn this
into some anti-war protest,Copy !req
2006. expect to hear your "mountain
of conflict" sound-bite everywhere.Copy !req
2007. From ring-tones to fucking...
a dance mix on YouTube.Copy !req
2008. And I will marshal
all the media forces of darkness,Copy !req
2009. to hound you to an assisted suicide.Copy !req
2010. Right-ho. Let's just go and draft your...
"Dear Prime Minster,Copy !req
2011. Just a quick note to say,
'Thanks for giving me the sack,"' letter.Copy !req
2012. Off we trot.Copy !req
2013. Come on, young Simon.Copy !req
2014. Erm... General Miller... sorry.
I know this is an awkward time to be...Copy !req
2015. Go fuck yourself, Frodo.Copy !req
2016. OK.Copy !req
2017. You can fuck off yourself, then.Copy !req
2018. - Are you hanging, Chad?
- Just... hanging.Copy !req
2019. - Wanna play some Facebook chess?
- Yes, ma'am.Copy !req
2020. Just get away from the wall!
What are you doing?Copy !req
2021. I just want a photo near the wall.Copy !req
2022. Yeah, you can go back
another 12 inches. No, a bit further.Copy !req
2023. - There?
- Stop there!Copy !req
2024. Check.Copy !req
2025. I haven't touched it.Copy !req
2026. I made a move for you, which is
the best move possible, and it's still...Copy !req
2027. You might be Secretary
of State someday, young man.Copy !req
2028. You... Don't say that
if you don't mean that.Copy !req
2029. When, you know, all of this shit
is over, maybe, you know...Copy !req
2030. You're a woman... I'm not a woman.Copy !req
2031. You wanna have sex again?Copy !req
2032. Well, would it be such a terrible idea?Copy !req
2033. You know - one more.Copy !req
2034. "One more for the Gipper. "Copy !req
2035. Well, I don't want to be accused
of micro-managing,Copy !req
2036. but I cannot understand
why "I Heart Huckabees"...Copy !req
2037. is on a list of DVDs considered suitable
for armed-forces entertainment.Copy !req
2038. That self-indulgent crap
is not suitable for combat troops.Copy !req
2039. I've got a selection of the quotations
here for you.Copy !req
2040. I mean, they're all local building firms.
Much of a muchness.Copy !req
2041. You know,
to sort out the boundary wall.Copy !req
2042. But the... this septic tank...Copy !req
2043. That is rearing its pooey head again.Copy !req
2044. Yes.Copy !req
2045. I just got off the phone with Linton,
who proceeded to bitch me out,Copy !req
2046. for allowing "I Heart Huckabees"
on the troops' DVD roster.Copy !req
2047. Yeah. You know that phrase,
"I'm too old for this shit"?Copy !req
2048. Well, I'm too young for this shit.
You know?Copy !req
2049. - Here's the new Minister.
- Malcolm!Copy !req
2050. - There she is.
- Ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
2051. - Look at you!
- Thank you. Thank you. How touching.Copy !req
2052. - Minister, how are you doing?
- Very well indeed.Copy !req
2053. - You've lost some weight.
- Hello. Judy Molloy.Copy !req
2054. - Nice to meet you. This is Dan.
- Danny. Dan. Special Advisor.Copy !req
2055. - Danny Dan?
- War seems to be going great guns.Copy !req
2056. - Oh, very cheeky! Very cheeky.
- Judy, have I got a desk out here?Copy !req
2057. - Careful. There's blood on the deck.
- Er... yeah, sure. You can use that one.Copy !req
2058. How about this? You can't
get better than this. Very glamorous.Copy !req
2059. It's a side-step
from my previous job, but that's fine.Copy !req
2060. I think there's a wee bit of brains there.Copy !req
2061. It's the only brains that he had, actually.Copy !req
2062. Nice to meet you, Dan.
Where did you go to school?Copy !req
2063. - Erm... just a school in Jersey.
- In Jersey?Copy !req
2064. - Is that actually Britain?
- Yeah.Copy !req
2065. I'm sorry, but I've been
standing here for 20 minutes...Copy !req
2066. Let's see you.Copy !req
2067. Look at the hair on this. Who let this
woman out with fucking hair like this,Copy !req
2068. on national television?Copy !req
2069. You'd think she's got her finger
stuck in a fucking electric socket.Copy !req
2070. Unbelievable.Copy !req