In Bruges (2008)

1. After I killed them, I dropped the gun in the Thames,

2. washed the residue off me hands in the bathroom of a Burger King,

3. and walked home to await instructions.

4. Shortly thereafter, the instructions came through.

5. "Get the fuck out of London, youse dumb fucks.

6. "Get to Bruges."

7. I didn't even know where Bruges fucking was.

8. It's in Belgium.

9. Bruges is a shithole.

10. Bruges is not a shithole.

11. Bruges is a shithole.

12. Ray, we've only just got off the fucking train.

13. Could we reserve judgment on Bruges until we've seen the fucking place?

14. I know it's gonna be a shithole.

15. Shithole.

16. I think you have a couple of rooms booked under Cranham and Blakely?

17. Yes. No, we have one room booked.

18. One twin room. Booked for two weeks.

19. Two weeks!

20. Do you have another room?

21. No, I'm afraid we're fully booked.

22. With Christmas, everywhere is fully booked.

23. Okay.

24. It's very pretty.

25. I'm not being funny, we can't stay here.

26. We've got to stay here until he rings.

27. Well, what if he doesn't ring for two weeks?

28. Then we stay here for two weeks.

29. For two weeks? In fucking Bruges? In a room like this?

30. With you? No way!

31. Ray, I really don't like to say this...

32. You really don't like to say what?

33. Well... You know?

34. Fucking bring that up.

35. Do you think this is good?

36. Do I think what's good?

37. You know, going round in a boat, looking at stuff.

38. Yes, I do.

39. It's called "sightseeing".

40. Oh, look at that.

41. It's a former hospital. From the 1100s.

42. Bruges is the most well-preserved medieval town

43. in the whole of Belgium, apparently.

44. Coming up? What's up there?

45. The view.

46. The view of what? The view of down here? I can see that from down here.

47. Ray, you're about the worst tourist in the whole world.

48. Ken, I grew up in Dublin. I love Dublin.

49. If I'd grown up on a farm and was retarded, Bruges might impress me.

50. But I didn't, so it doesn't.

51. Trying to get rid of me coins.

52. 3, 3.50, 4,

53. 4. 10, 4.20, 4.30, 4.40, 4.50, 4.60,

54. 4.70,

55. 4.80,

56. 4.90.

57. Will you take 4.90?

58. Entry is 5 euro.

59. Come on, man, it's only 10 cents.

60. Entry is 5 euro.

61. Happy in your work?

62. Very happy.

63. I like it here.

64. Been to the top of the tower?

65. Yeah. Yeah, it's rubbish.

66. It is? The guidebook says it's a "must-see".

67. Well, you lot ain't going up there.

68. Pardon me? Why?

69. I mean, it's all windy stairs. I'm not being funny.

70. What exactly are you trying to say?

71. What exactly am I trying to say?

72. Youse are a bunch of fucking elephants!

73. Right, you...

74. Come on, leave it, fatty.

75. You know, you're just the rudest man. The rudest man!

76. What's all that about?

77. They're not going up there.

78. Hey, guys, I wouldn't go up there. It's really narrow.

79. Screw you, motherfucker!

80. Americans, isn't it?

81. Now, this is more like it. Proper holidays.

82. One gay beer for my gay friend,

83. and one normal beer for me, because I am normal.

84. This is the life.

85. We're not staying here getting pissed.

86. We are quietly sightseeing, like he says,

87. and awaiting his call to see what we do next.

88. This is my vote on what we should do.

89. We give it another day, two days, max.

90. Then we check the papers again, and if there's still nothing in them,

91. we phone him and say, "Harry, thank you for the trip to Bruges,

92. "it's been very nice, all the old buildings and that,

93. "but we're coming back to London now, and hide out in a proper country,

94. "where it isn't all just fucking chocolates."

95. My vote would be we quietly sightsee, like he says,

96. and await his call to see what we do next.

97. You don't even know we're here hiding out.

98. What are you talking about?

99. You don't even know we're not here on a job.

100. — What, on a job? — Yeah.

101. — Here in Bruges? — Yeah.

102. — Here in Bruges, on a job? — Yeah.

103. Why? What did he actually say?

104. He didn't actually say anything.

105. — Then why do you think it might be? — I don't think anything.

106. But it's a bit fucking over-elaborate, isn't it?

107. — "Go take him to hide out." — "Go take him to hide out where?"

108. "Go take him to hide out in fucking Bruges."

109. You can hide out in Croydon.

110. Hmm.

111. Or Coventry.

112. Hmm.

113. It is a bit over-elaborate.

114. Hmm.

115. But we haven't got any guns.

116. Harry can get guns anywhere.

117. He's not gonna ring tonight.

118. He's not gonna ring tonight.

119. Let's go out.

120. — Go out where? — The pub.

121. No!

122. Let's go out and have a look at some of the...

123. All the old medieval buildings and that.

124. Because I bet they look even better at night, all lit up.

125. Yes!

126. That there is called the Gruuthuse Museum.

127. They all have funny names, don't they?

128. Yes, Flemish.

129. In here it says, "The Belgians twice sheltered fugitive English Kings

130. "from being murdered, 1471 and 1651."

131. I used to hate history, didn't you?

132. It's all just a load of stuff that's already happened.

133. What are they doing over there?

134. They're filming something. They're filming midgets!

135. Ray!

136. So, on this scene, you're supposed to walk like a little, tiny mouse, yeah?

137. Okay? Great.

138. Ray, come on, let's go.

139. My arse, "Let's go". They're filming midgets.

140. Oh, my God! Look at that girl.

141. She's gorgeous!

142. Ray, we're going right now.

143. Fuck off, are we!

144. This is the best bit of Bruges so far. You and your buildings.

145. Hello.

146. — Do you speak English? — No.

147. Yes, you do. Everybody does.

148. What are you filming midgets for?

149. It's a Dutch movie. It's a dream sequence.

150. It's a pastiche of Nicholas Roeg's Don't Look Now.

151. Not a pastiche, but a...

152. A "homage" is too strong. A "nod of the head"?

153. Wow, your English is very good.

154. A lot of midgets tend to kill themselves.

155. A disproportionate amount.

156. Hervé Villechaize, off of Fantasy Island.

157. I think somebody off The Time Bandits.

158. I suppose they must get really sad about, like,

159. being really little and that.

160. People looking at them and laughing at them.

161. Calling them names. You know, "shortarse".

162. There's another famous midget I'm missing, but I can't remember.

163. It's not the R2-D2 man. No, he's still going.

164. I hope your midget doesn't kill himself. Your dream sequence will be fucked.

165. He doesn't like being called a midget. He prefers "dwarf".

166. Well, this is exactly my point!

167. People go around calling you a midget when you want to be called a dwarf.

168. Of course you're gonna blow your head off!

169. — My name's Ray. What's yours? — Chloe.

170. How did you get past the security man?

171. Getting past security men, it's sort of my job.

172. You're a shoplifter?

173. No, not a shoplifter.

174. It's a good joke, though.

175. No.

176. I'll tell you what I am at dinner tomorrow night.

177. Fuck.

178. How fucking cool.

179. Mr. Blakely?

180. Yes. No, Mr. Cranham. No. Yes. Mr. Blakely. Yes.

181. You have a message.

182. Shit!

183. Number one, why aren't you in when I fucking told you to be in?

184. Number two, why doesn't this hotel have phones with fucking voicemail

185. and not I have to leave messages with the fucking receptionist?

186. Number three, you better fucking be in tomorrow night when I fucking call again

187. or there'll be fucking Hell to pay, I'm fucking telling you. Harry.

188. Would you turn the fucking light off!

189. Sorry, Ken.

190. Keep the fucking noise down!

191. Someone's in a mood.

192. You'll never guess what.

193. Will you shut your fucking mouth, please, and go to sleep?

194. Oh, sorry.

195. Except I've gotta take me contact lenses out.

196. Altogether,

197. I had

198. five pints of beer and six bottles.

199. No. Six pints of beer and seven bottles.

200. And you know what? I'm not even pissed!

201. You'll never guess what, Ken.

202. — Ken, you'll never guess what. — What?

203. Got a date for tomorrow night.

204. I'm very happy for you.

205. With a girl.

206. Can you turn the light off, please?

207. Only been in Bruges one day, got a date with a girl in the film business,

208. the Belgian film business.

209. They're doing a film about a midget.

210. Miss?

211. Marie?

212. Sorry about the message last night. The man who left it is a bit of a...

213. Well, he's a bit of a...

214. Cock?

215. Yes. He's a bit of a cock.

216. Morning.

217. Harry called last night.

218. We missed him.

219. Jeez, he swears a lot, doesn't he?

220. We're staying in tonight. Whatever happens.

221. Hmm.

222. Except...

223. Hmm. Hmm.

224. Except "hmm" what?

225. Except only one of us needs to stay in, really.

226. Uh-huh.

227. And which one of us would that be, now, Ray?

228. I thought you didn't like Bruges.

229. I don't like Bruges, it's a shithole.

230. But I did already say I had a date with a Belgian lady

231. in the Belgian film business, which I did already say about before.

232. Just don't get into any fucking trouble.

233. We're keeping a low profile.

234. And this morning, and this afternoon,

235. we are doing what I want to do.

236. — Got it? — Of course.

237. Which, I presume, will involve culture.

238. Oh, we shall strike a balance between culture and fun.

239. Somehow I believe, Ken, that the balance shall tip in the favor of culture.

240. Like a big, fat, fucking retarded, fucking black girl

241. on a seesaw, opposite

242. a dwarf.

243. Ray, did we or did we not agree

244. that if I let you go on your date tonight,

245. we'd do the things I wanted to do today?

246. We are doing the things that you wanted to do today.

247. And that we'd do them without you throwing a fucking moody,

248. like some 5-year-old who's dropped all his sweets?

249. I didn't agree to that.

250. I'll cheer up. I'll cheer up.

251. Up there, the top altar, is a phial

252. brought back by a Flemish knight from the Crusades in the Holy Land.

253. And that phial, do you know what it's said to contain?

254. No, what's it said to contain?

255. It's said to contain some drops of Jesus Christ's blood.

256. Yeah, that's how this church got its name. Basilica of the Holy Blood.

257. Yeah. Yeah.

258. And this blood, right, though it's dried blood,

259. at different times over many years, they say it turned back into liquid.

260. Turned back into liquid from dried blood.

261. At various times of great

262. stress.

263. — Yeah? — Yeah.

264. So, yeah, I'm gonna go up in the queue and touch it, which is what you do.

265. — Yeah? — Yeah. You coming?

266. Do I have to?

267. — Do you have to? — Of course you don't have to.

268. It's Jesus' fucking blood, isn't it? Of course you don't fucking have to!

269. Of course you don't fucking have to!

270. You little fucking cunt.

271. Murder, Father.

272. Why did you murder someone, Raymond?

273. For money, Father.

274. For money?

275. You murdered someone for money?

276. Yes, Father.

277. Not out of anger, not out of nothing. For money.

278. Who did you murder for money, Raymond?

279. You, Father.

280. I'm sorry?

281. I said you, Father. What, are you deaf?

282. Harry Waters says hello.

283. The little boy.

284. I quite like this one.

285. All the rest were rubbish by spastics, but this one's quite good.

286. What's that all about, then?

287. — It's Judgment Day, you know? — Oh, yeah.

288. What's that then?

289. Well, it's, you know, the final day on Earth.

290. When mankind will be judged for all the crimes they've committed and that.

291. And see who gets into Heaven and who gets into Hell and all that?

292. Yeah.

293. And what's the other place?

294. Purgatory.

295. Purgatory?

296. Purgatory's kind of like the in-betweeny one.

297. You weren't really shit, but you weren't all that great, either.

298. Like Tottenham.

299. Do you believe in all that stuff, Ken?

300. About Tottenham?

301. The Last Judgment and the afterlife.

302. Guilt and sins and

303. Hell and all that?

304. Um...

305. Well...

306. I don't know, Ray. I don't know what I believe.

307. The things you're taught as a child, they never really leave you, do they?

308. So, like, I believe in trying to lead a good life.

309. Like, if there's an old lady, carrying her shopping home,

310. I don't try and help her carry her shopping, I don't go that far,

311. but I'll certainly hold the door open for her and that, and let her go out before me.

312. Yeah. And anyway, if you tried to help her carry her shopping,

313. she'd probably think you were just trying to nick her shopping.

314. Exactly. This is the world we live in today.

315. At the same time as trying to lead a good life,

316. I have to reconcile myself with the fact that, yes, I have killed people.

317. Not many people. Most of them were not very nice people.

318. Apart from one person.

319. Who's that?

320. This fellow, Danny Aliband's brother.

321. He was just trying to protect his brother. Like you or I would.

322. He was just a lollipop man.

323. He came at me with a bottle. What are you gonna do?

324. I shot him down.

325. Hmm.

326. In my book, though, sorry, someone comes at you with a bottle,

327. that is a deadly weapon, he's gotta take the consequences.

328. I know that in my heart.

329. I also know that he was just trying to protect his brother, you know?

330. I know. But a bottle, that can kill you.

331. It's a case of it's you or him.

332. If he'd come at you with his bare hands, that'd be different.

333. That wouldn't have been fair.

334. Well, technically, your bare hands can kill somebody, too.

335. They can be deadly weapons, too. I mean, what if he knew karate, say?

336. You said he was a lollipop man.

337. He was a lollipop man.

338. What's a lollipop man doing knowing fucking karate?

339. I'm just saying.

340. — How old was he? — About 50.

341. What's a 50-year-old lollipop man doing knowing fucking karate?

342. What was he, a Chinese lollipop man?

343. Jesus, Ken, I'm trying to talk about...

344. I know what you're trying to talk about.

345. I killed a little boy. You keep bringing up fucking lollipop men!

346. You didn't mean to kill a little boy.

347. I know I didn't mean to.

348. But because of the choices I made and the course that I put into action,

349. a little boy isn't here anymore.

350. And he'll never be here again.

351. I mean here in the world, not here in Belgium.

352. Well, he'll never be here in Belgium, either, will he?

353. I mean, he might have wanted to come here when he got older.

354. I don't know why.

355. And that's all because of me.

356. He's dead because of me.

357. And I'm trying to...

358. I'm trying to get me head around it, but I can't.

359. I will always have killed that little boy.

360. That ain't ever going away. Ever.

361. Unless...

362. Maybe I go away.

363. Don't even think like that.

364. You look good.

365. What's it matter anyway?

366. So, what do you do, Raymond?

367. I shoot people for money.

368. What kinds of people?

369. Priests. Children. You know, the usual.

370. Is there a lot of money to be made in that line of business?

371. There is in priests. There isn't in children.

372. So what is it you do, Chloe?

373. I sell cocaine and heroin to Belgian film crews.

374. Do you?

375. Do I look like I do?

376. You do, actually.

377. Do I look like I shoot people?

378. No.

379. Just children.

380. Mmm-hmm.

381. I saw your midget today. Little prick didn't even say hello.

382. Well, he's on a lot of ketamine.

383. What's that?

384. Horse tranquilizer.

385. A horse tranquilizer?

386. — Where'd he get that? — I sold it to him.

387. You can't sell horse tranquilizers to a midget!

388. This movie, I think it's gonna be a very good one.

389. There's never been a classic movie made in Bruges until now.

390. Of course there hasn't, it's a shithole.

391. Bruges is my hometown, Ray.

392. Well, it's still a shithole.

393. It's not a shithole.

394. What? Even midgets have to take drugs to stick it.

395. Okay.

396. So, you've insulted my hometown.

397. You're doing very well, Raymond.

398. Why don't you tell me some Belgian jokes while you're at it?

399. I don't know any Belgian jokes.

400. And if I did, I think I'd have the good sense not to...

401. Hey, hang on. Is Belgium where there were all those child abuse murders lately?

402. Then I do know a Belgian joke.

403. What's Belgium famous for?

404. Chocolates and child abuse.

405. And they only invented the chocolates to get to the kids.

406. What?

407. One of the girls they murdered was a friend of mine.

408. I'm sorry, Chloe.

409. One of the girls they murdered wasn't a friend of mine.

410. I just wanted to make you feel bad.

411. And it worked. Quite well.

412. Fucking unbelievable.

413. What's fucking unbelievable?

414. Are you talking to me?

415. He pauses, even though he should just hit the cunt.

416. And he repeats.

417. Yes, I am talking to you. What's fucking unbelievable?

418. Well, I'll tell you what's fucking unbelievable, shall I?

419. Blowing cigarette smoke straight into myself and my girlfriend's face.

420. That's fucking unbelievable!

421. — This is the smoking section. — I don't care if it's the smoking section.

422. All right? She directed it right in my face, man.

423. I don't wanna die just because of your fucking arrogance. — Uh-huh.

424. Isn't that what the Vietnamese used to say?

425. Vietnamese? What are you talking about, the Vietnamese?

426. That statement makes no fucking sense at all.

427. — Yes it does. — The Vietnamese!

428. Well, saying it over and over ain't gonna make any more sense out of it.

429. How does the Vietnamese have any relevance whatsoever

430. to myself and my girlfriend having to breathe

431. your friend's cigarette smoke?

432. Tell me how saying...

433. That's for John Lennon, you Yankee fucking cunt!

434. A bottle? No, don't bother.

435. We're leaving.

436. I don't hit women! I would never hit a woman, Chloe!

437. I'd hit a woman who was trying to hit me with a bottle!

438. That's different. That's self-defense, isn't it?

439. Or a woman who could do karate.

440. I'd never hit a woman generally, Chloe. Don't think that.

441. God, you're pretty.

442. I have to make a call.

443. Oh, no.

444. You've gone off me, now, haven't you? Just because I hit that fucking cow.

445. — Hello? — HARRY: Where the fuck were you yesterday?

446. We just popped out for some dinner, Harry. We only popped out for half an hour.

447. Yeah? What'd you have?

448. — For dinner? — Yeah.

449. Pizza, at Pizza Hut.

450. Was it nice?

451. Yeah, it was all right. I don't know. It was Pizza Hut.

452. The same as in England.

453. Well, that's globalization, isn't it? Is Ray there with you?

454. He's in the toilet.

455. — Can he hear? — No.

456. What's he doing?

457. — What do you mean? — Is he doing a wee or a poo?

458. I don't know, Harry, the door's closed.

459. Send him out on an errand for half an hour, but don't make it sound suspicious.

460. Ray? Why don't you go out down to the pub for half an hour?

461. Yeah, yeah, I know I said you couldn't,

462. but might as well enjoy ourselves, eh?

463. No, I don't know if they've got bowling anywhere. Could have a look.

464. Yeah, see you.

465. Yeah. He's gone.

466. What'd you say to him?

467. I said, "Why don't you go have a drink, you say you've been cooped up?"

468. — What did he say? — Said, yeah, he would.

469. And he might go have a look to see if there's a bowling alley around.

470. Was he just having a wee?

471. Yeah, I think so. I assume so.

472. Sure he didn't mind?

473. No, he was glad to get out.

474. He's definitely gone?

475. Yeah, yeah, he slammed the door.

476. That don't mean he's gone. Go check outside the door.

477. Harry, he's definitely gone.

478. You realize there are no bowling alleys in Bruges?

479. I realize that, Harry. The boy wanted to have a look anyway.

480. What are they gonna have, a medieval fucking bowling alley?

481. As I say, I think he was just glad to get out and about.

482. So, is he having a nice time, seeing all the canals and that?

483. I had a lovely time when I was there.

484. All the canals and the old buildings and that.

485. When were you here?

486. When I was seven. Last happy holiday I fucking had.

487. — Have you been on a canal trip, yet? — Yeah.

488. Have you been down, like, all the old cobbled streets and that?

489. Yeah.

490. — It's like a fairytale, isn't it, that place? — Yeah.

491. — With the churches and that. They're Gothic. — Yeah.

492. — Is it Gothic? — Yeah.

493. So he's having a really nice time?

494. Well, I'm having a really nice time.

495. I'm not sure if it's really his cup of tea.

496. What?

497. You know, I'm not sure if it's really his thing.

498. What do you mean, "It's not really his thing"?

499. What's that supposed to mean, "It's not really his thing"?

500. What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

501. Nothing, Harry.

502. It's a fairytale fucking town, isn't it?

503. How can a fairytale town not be somebody's fucking thing?

504. How can all those canals and bridges and cobbled streets and those churches,

505. all that beautiful fucking fairytale stuff,

506. how can that not be somebody's fucking thing, eh?

507. What I think I meant to say was...

508. — Is the swan still there? — Yeah, the swan's...

509. How can fucking swans not fucking be somebody's fucking thing, eh?

510. How can that be?

511. What I think I meant to say was,

512. when he first arrived, he wasn't quite sure about it.

513. You know, there's that big, dual carriageway when you get off the train?

514. It mightn't have been here when you were here last, Harry.

515. Well, as soon as he got into, like, the old town proper,

516. and he saw the canals and the bridges and, you know, the swans and that,

517. well, he just fucking loved it then.

518. Couldn't get enough of it, the medieval part of town.

519. It was just that initial, dual carriageway thing sort of put him off for a second.

520. Don't know if I remember a dual carriageway.

521. Must be recent.

522. Hasn't spoilt it, has it?

523. No, no, no, it's just that initial thing.

524. And you know what?

525. As we were walking through the streets,

526. there was this sort of freezing fog hanging over everything,

527. and it made it look almost like a fairytale or something.

528. And he turned to me, do you know what he said?

529. What'd he say?

530. He said, "Ken, I know I'm awake, but I feel like I'm in a dream."

531. Yeah? He said that?

532. Yeah.

533. Meaning, like, in a good dream?

534. Yeah. Of course, like in a good dream.

535. Oh, good. I'm glad he likes it there.

536. I'm glad we were able to give him something.

537. Something good and happy. Because he wasn't a bad kid, was he?

538. Huh?

539. He wasn't a bad kid, was he?

540. Listen, take down this address. Raamstraat 17.

541. That's "Raam", like "Ram", but with an extra "a".

542. Raamstraat 17.

543. You got that?

544. Yes, Raamstraat 17.

545. Good. There'll be a man there tomorrow morning at 9:00, his name's Yuri.

546. — Yuri. — He'll give you the gun.

547. Ring me on the public phone at Jimmy Driscoll's

548. about 3:00 or 4:00 tomorrow, after it's done.

549. After what's done?

550. Are you being thick?

551. — No. — Listen, I like Ray.

552. He was a good bloke, but when it all comes down to it, you know,

553. he blew the head off a little fucking kid. And you brought him in, Ken.

554. So if the buck don't stop with him, where does it stop?

555. Ken?

556. If the buck don't stop with him, where does it stop?

557. It stops with me, Harry. That's an easy one.

558. Look, don't get shirty, Ken.

559. Listen, I'm just glad that I was able to do something for the boy before he went.

560. Do what for the boy?

561. You know, have him get to see Bruges.

562. I'd like to go to see Bruges again before I die.

563. What was it he said again about... Yeah, "It's like a dream".

564. "I know I'm awake, but I feel like I'm in a dream."

565. Yeah.

566. Give me a call when he's dead.

567. That's my fucking girlfriend, you asshole.

568. Eirik, what are you doing?

569. Where are you from, fucker?

570. Ireland, originally.

571. And you think it's okay to come over to Belgium

572. and fuck another man's girl?

573. Look, I didn't know she had a boyfriend, all right?

574. And I haven't fucked her, anyway. Ask her. I'd only put me hand on it.

575. Eirik, put the gun down!

576. Get down on your knees and open your mouth.

577. Don't start being silly.

578. Get down on your...

579. Exactly at what point was it that all skinheads suddenly became poofs?

580. Used to be, you were a skinhead,

581. you just went around beating up Pakistani 12-year-olds.

582. Now it seems a prerequisite to be a fucking bum-boy!

583. That's not gonna help you, man.

584. Ray, there's only blanks in that gun.

585. Eirik, don't!

586. Now who's the fucking bum-boy?

587. You, you fucking bum-boy!

588. Chloe, what exactly is going on here?

589. I can't see! I can't see!

590. Of course you can't fucking see! I just shot a blank in your fucking eyes!

591. — Is this fella your boyfriend? — No. I mean, he used to be.

592. Well, what's he doing here?

593. We... We rob tourists, sometimes.

594. I fucking knew it was too good to be true!

595. I knew you'd have never shagged me, normally.

596. No! That's not true, I...

597. I called it off tonight. I told him not to come tonight.

598. Why did you come tonight?

599. Chloe, I can't see, I swear it!

600. Stop whingeing like a big gay baby.

601. I haven't had a shag in months!

602. I can't see out of this eye, Chloe! I have to go to the hospital!

603. I'll drive you.

604. Great! Now the whole night's ruined!

605. No!

606. You can stay if you want. I just don't know how long I'll be.

607. I just knew someone like you would never like someone like me.

608. — I just knew. — What do you mean, someone like me?

609. You know, someone nice.

610. Call me. Please.

611. Chloe!

612. Cha-ching!

613. Have you got some sort of problem?

614. No, no problem.

615. Four beers in 20 minutes. No problem.

616. Fuck off.

617. Beer and a red wine.

618. I'll be back.

619. How's the movie going?

620. It's a jumped-up Eurotrash piece of rip-off fucking bullshit.

621. Like, in a bad way?

622. Your girlfriend's very pretty.

623. She ain't my girlfriend. She's a prostitute I just picked up.

624. Didn't know there were any prostitutes in Bruges.

625. You just have to look in the right places.

626. Brothels are good.

627. Well, you've picked up a very pretty prostitute.

628. Thank you.

629. You from the States?

630. Yeah.

631. But don't hold it against me.

632. I'll try not to.

633. Just try not to say anything too loud or crass.

634. Hey-ho. Drowning your sorrows, huh?

635. What sorrows? You know, being a sad, old, ugly little man.

636. One gay beer, please.

637. How'd your date go?

638. My date involved two instances of extreme violence.

639. One instance of her hand on my cock and my finger up her thing,

640. which lasted all too briefly. Isn't that always the way?

641. One instance of me stealing five grams of her very-high-quality cocaine,

642. and one instance of me blinding a poofy little skinhead.

643. So, all in all, my evening pretty much balanced out fine.

644. You got five grams of coke?

645. I've got four grams on me and one gram in me,

646. which is why me heart is going like the clappers,

647. as if I'm about to have a heart attack.

648. So if I collapse any minute now, please remember to tell the doctors

649. that it might have something to do with the coke.

650. Give us a gram, then.

651. I thought you were laying off, because it makes you depressed?

652. You know what? Right now, I don't really give a fuck.

653. Why didn't you wave hello to me today when I waved hello to you today?

654. I was on a very strong horse tranquilizer today.

655. I wasn't waving hello to anybody, except maybe to a horse.

656. Huh? What are you talking about?

657. Just horseshit.

658. You from America?

659. Yeah. But don't hold it against me.

660. Well, that's for me to decide, isn't it?

661. Are you from America, too?

662. No, I'm from Amsterdam.

663. Amsterdam.

664. Amsterdam is just a load of bloody prostitutes, isn't it?

665. Yes. That's why I came to Bruges.

666. I thought I'd get a better price for my pussy here.

667. Huh?

668. You two are weird.

669. Would you like some cocaine?

670. I've also got some acid and some ecstasy.

671. Hervé Villechaize, I know, did.

672. The dwarf off, I think, The Time Bandits, did.

673. Lots of midgets...

674. Dwarves, top themselves.

675. Hmm. Shitloads.

676. Would you ever think about it?

677. Huh?

678. Would you ever think about killing yourself because you're a midget?

679. Fuck, man! What kind of question is that?

680. We're just chatting, aren't we?

681. See, Ken, this is the kind of hotel Harry should have put us in.

682. A five-star, with prostitutes in.

683. You know, sometimes, I think Harry doesn't even give a shit about us at all.

684. Has he still not called?

685. No. Still hasn't called.

686. No news is good news, eh?

687. Hmm.

688. Who's she?

689. There's gonna be a war, man.

690. I can see it.

691. There's gonna be a war between the blacks and between the whites.

692. You ain't even gonna need a uniform no more.

693. This ain't gonna be a war where you pick your side.

694. Your side's already picked for you.

695. And I know whose side I'm fighting on. I'm fighting with the blacks.

696. The whites are gonna get their heads kicked in!

697. You don't decide this shit, man.

698. Well, who are the half-castes gonna fight with?

699. The blacks, man. That's obvious.

700. But what about the Pakistanis?

701. The blacks. What about...

702. Think of a hard one.

703. What about the Vietnamese?

704. The blacks!

705. Well, I'm definitely fighting with the blacks if they've got the Vietnamese.

706. So, hang on.

707. Would all of the white midgets in the world be fighting

708. against all the black midgets in the world?

709. Yeah.

710. That would make a good film!

711. You don't know how much shit I've had to take off of black midgets, man.

712. That's...

713. Undeniably true.

714. See, Jimmy,

715. my wife was black.

716. And I loved her very much.

717. And in 1976, she was murdered by a white man.

718. So, where the fuck am I supposed to stand in all this blood and carnage?

719. Did they get the guy who did it?

720. A friend of mine got him.

721. Harry Waters got him.

722. So tell me, Jim, whose side do I fight on in this wonderful war?

723. I think you need to weigh up all your options

724. and let your conscience decide, Ken.

725. Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf.

726. I think I'm heading home.

727. Yeah. I think I'll come with you.

728. What's... Back off, shorty!

729. You don't know karate.

730. Don't say you didn't have it coming.

731. Shortarse!

732. Meeting Yuri.

733. Yes, I'm Yuri.

734. Mr. Waters said that might be necessary.

735. There are a lot of alcoves in the Koningin Astrid Park.

736. You use this word, "alcoves"?

737. "Alcoves"? Yes. Sometimes.

738. There are not many people around in these alcoves in Christmastime.

739. If I were to murder a man, I would murder him here.

740. Are you sure this is the right word, "alcoves"?

741. "Alcoves", yes. It's kind of like "nooks and crannies".

742. "Nooks and crannies", yes. Perhaps this would be more accurate.

743. "Nooks and crannies", rather than "alcoves". Yeah.

744. You are going to do it, aren't you? Mr. Waters will be very disappointed...

745. Of course I'm going to fucking do it.

746. It's what I do.

747. Your friend was behaving rather oddly this morning.

748. Oddly? How?

749. Well, he asked me about the baby, and if I wanted a boy or a girl.

750. I said I didn't mind as long as it's healthy, of course.

751. But then he gave me 200 euros to give to the baby.

752. I refused, obviously, but he was quite insistent.

753. Would you give it back to him when you see him?

754. I don't want to appear ungrateful, but it seemed like all the money he had.

755. — Do you know where he is now? — He said he was going to the park.

756. Sorry, Ray.

757. I'm sorry.

758. Ray, don't!

759. Fucking hell! Where the fuck did you come from?

760. — I was behind the thing. — What the fuck are you doing, Ray?

761. What the fuck are you doing?

762. Nothing.

763. Oh, my God!

764. — You were gonna kill me. — No, I wasn't.

765. You were gonna kill yourself!

766. I'm allowed to.

767. No, you're not!

768. What?

769. I'm not allowed to and you are? How's that fair?

770. Can we go somewhere and talk about this, please?

771. I wasn't gonna go through with it, Ray.

772. You fucking looked like you were gonna go fucking through with it.

773. Where'd you get that gun?

774. A friend of Harry's.

775. Fuck, man.

776. Let me see it.

777. Silencer, too.

778. Nice.

779. Mine's a bloody girl's gun.

780. I'm keeping it. Pardon me?

781. Give me me gun back. You're not getting it back.

782. You're a suicide case.

783. And you were trying to shoot me in the fucking head.

784. You're not getting that gun back.

785. A great day this has turned out to be.

786. I'm suicidal, me mate tries to kill me,

787. me gun gets nicked and we're still in fucking Bruges.

788. Listen, I'm gonna give you some money and put you on a train somewhere.

789. Back to England?

790. You can't go back to England, Ray. You'd be a dead man!

791. I want to be a dead man.

792. Have you been missing something?

793. You don't want to be a dead man, Ray.

794. I killed a little boy!

795. Then save the next little boy.

796. Just go away somewhere,

797. get out of this business and try to do something good.

798. You're not gonna help anybody dead.

799. You're not gonna bring that boy back.

800. But you might save the next one.

801. What am I gonna be, a doctor?

802. You need exams.

803. Do anything, Ray. Do anything.

804. What a wanker!

805. He said this whole trip,

806. this whole being in Bruges thing,

807. was just to give you one last, joyful memory before you died.

808. In Bruges?

809. The Bahamas, maybe.

810. Why fucking Bruges?

811. I suppose it's cheaper.

812. The rest of the acid and the ecstasy.

813. Can I have me gun back, please?

814. What am I gonna do, Ken?

815. — What am I gonna do? — Just keep moving.

816. Keep on moving.

817. Try not to think about it.

818. Learn a new language, maybe?

819. Sure, I can hardly do English.

820. That's one thing I like about Europe, though.

821. You don't have to learn any of their languages.

822. Just forget about home for a while.

823. See how the land lies in six years, seven years.

824. Seven years is not that long.

825. It's longer than that boy got.

826. Me first fucking job.

827. Great hitman I turned out to be.

828. Some people just aren't cut out for it, Ray.

829. Are you?

830. When are you going back to England?

831. I'll head back in a couple of hours or something.

832. Harry's not gonna be mad at you, is he? For letting me go?

833. I'll sort out Harry.

834. Just tell him I'll have probably killed meself in a fortnight, anyway.

835. You won't, will you, Ray?

836. Harry? It's Ken.

837. Listen to this noise.

838. Do you know what that is?

839. Yeah, I know you know it's a train. Do you know what train?

840. Well, it's a train that Ray just got on, and he's alive and he's well,

841. and he doesn't know where he's going and neither do I.

842. So if you need to do your worst, do your worst.

843. You've got the address of the hotel. I'll be here waiting.

844. Because I've got to quite like Bruges, now.

845. It's like a fucking fairytale or something.

846. Harry.

847. Harry!

848. What?

849. It's an inanimate fucking object.

850. You're an inanimate fucking object!

851. Now, you lot be good for your mummy and Imamoto, okay?

852. 'Cause Daddy's got to go away for a few days.

853. Where are you going?

854. I've got to go to Bruges.

855. Bruges? Where's that?

856. It's in Belgium.

857. Why would anybody have to go to Belgium?

858. 'Cause I've got to sort something out.

859. Is it something to do with the phone?

860. It's something to do with Ken.

861. It's a matter of honor.

862. Well, it ain't gonna be dangerous, is it?

863. Well, of course it's gonna be dangerous if it's a matter of fucking honor!

864. You are bringing the fellas with you?

865. Tell me you're bringing the fellas with you.

866. Harry.

867. I'm sorry for calling you an inanimate object.

868. I was upset.

869. You're Irish? Yes.

870. What is your name?

871. Derek Perlurrl.

872. You hit the Canadian.

873. I "heet" the Canadian? I don't know what you're talking about.

874. That's him! That's the motherfucker.

875. You hit the Canadian, yeah?

876. Canadian? Shit.

877. — We're taking you back to Bruges. — Brilliant.

878. Aye aye.

879. Take your pick, Mr. Waters.

880. An Uzi?

881. I'm not from South Central Los fucking Angeles.

882. I didn't come here to shoot 20 black 10-year-olds in a fucking drive-by.

883. I want a normal gun for a normal person.

884. I knew he wouldn't kill the guy.

885. I could see it in his eyes when I was telling him about the alcoves.

886. — About the what? — The alcoves.

887. The alcoves in the Koningin Astrid Park.

888. Oh, I also have some dumdums.

889. You use this word, "dumdums"? The bullets that make the head explode?

890. Dumdums, yeah.

891. Would you like some of these dumdums?

892. I know I shouldn't,

893. but I will.

894. Motherfucker.

895. Is he talking to me?

896. No, Eirik's on your side, Mr. Waters.

897. Your young friend blinded him last night.

898. Ray did?

899. I was trying to rob him and he took my gun from me.

900. And the gun was full of blanks,

901. and he shot the blank into my eye.

902. And now, I cannot see from this eye ever again, the doctors say.

903. Well, to be honest, it sounds like it was all your fault.

904. What?

905. I mean, basically, if you're robbing a man and you're only carrying blanks,

906. and you allow your gun to be taken off you,

907. and you allow yourself to be shot in the eye with a blank,

908. for which I assume the person has to get quite close to you, then,

909. yeah, really, it's all your fault for being such a poof.

910. So why don't you stop whingeing and cheer the fuck up?

911. Eirik, I really wouldn't respond.

912. I thought you wanted the guy dead?

913. I do want the guy dead. I want him fucking crucified.

914. But it don't change the fact that he stitched you up like a blind, little gay boy.

915. Does it?

916. Thanks for the gun, Yuri.

917. Well?

918. The boy is suicidal, Harry.

919. He's a walking dead man.

920. Keeps going on about Hell and purgatory...

921. When I phoned you yesterday, did I ask you,

922. "Ken, will you do me a favor and become Ray's psychiatrist, please?"

923. No. What I think I asked you was, "Could you go blow his fucking head off for me?"

924. "He's suicidal"?

925. I'm suicidal. You're suicidal. Everybody's fucking suicidal!

926. We don't all keep going on about it!

927. Has he killed himself yet? No. So he's not fucking suicidal, is he?

928. He put a loaded gun to his head this morning. I stopped him.

929. He... What? This gets fucking worse!

930. We were down in the park...

931. Let me get this right. You were down in the park?

932. What's that got to do with fucking anything?

933. Let me get this right. Not only have you refused to kill the boy,

934. you've even stopped the boy from killing himself,

935. which would have solved my problem,

936. which would have solved your problem,

937. which sounds like it would've solved the boy's problem.

938. It wouldn't have solved his problem.

939. Ken, if I had killed a little kid, accidentally or otherwise,

940. I wouldn't have thought twice.

941. I'd have killed myself on the fucking spot. On the fucking spot.

942. I'd have stuck the gun in me mouth on the fucking spot!

943. That's you, Harry. The boy has the capacity to change.

944. The boy has the capacity to do something decent with his life.

945. Excuse me, Ken. I have the capacity to change.

946. Yeah, you do. You've the capacity to get fucking worse!

947. Yeah, now I'm getting down to it!

948. Harry, let's face it.

949. And I'm not being funny, I mean no disrespect,

950. but you're a cunt.

951. You're a cunt now, you've always been a cunt.

952. And the only thing that's gonna change is you're gonna become an even bigger cunt.

953. Maybe have some more cunt kids.

954. Leave my kids fucking out of it. What have they done?

955. You fucking retract that bit about my cunt fucking kids!

956. I retract that bit about your cunt fucking kids.

957. Insulting my fucking kids! That's going overboard, mate!

958. I retracted it, didn't I?

959. Still leaves you being a cunt.

960. Yeah, I fucking got that.

961. Where's Ray now?

962. Oh, right about now, Ray is in one or other

963. of the one million towns in mainland Europe it's possible to be in, other than here.

964. I'll get all the money back to you soon as I get through to me friend.

965. It's not a problem, Raymond.

966. And I'll get all your acid and your ecstasy back to you, too.

967. English humor!

968. I'm assuming you've got your gun on you.

969. That Yuri bloke's a funny fella, isn't he?

970. He does yoga.

971. "The alcoves."

972. Was he going on to you about the alcoves?

973. "The alcoves in the Koningin Astrid Park."

974. Harry, I know you gotta do what you gotta do.

975. It's a bit crowded round here, you know?

976. Well, I'm not gonna have a shootout

977. in the middle of a thousand fucking Belgians, am I?

978. Not to mention the other nationalities, just on their holidays.

979. Hmm.

980. To see the swans and the Gothic and all the fairytale stuff, eh?

981. — Are you trying to fucking wind me up? — No, Harry.

982. On top of calling me a cunt and calling me kids cunts.

983. I might just have to fucking shoot you right here.

984. Christ!

985. Let's go up the bell tower.

986. Be quiet up there this time of evening.

987. Let's go up there.

988. Yeah. Canadians.

989. I feel a bit bad. They didn't kill John Lennon, did they?

990. Anyway, supposed to turn up to court here in two days.

991. Are you going to turn up?

992. Don't know.

993. What have I got to stay for really?

994. The most beautiful woman

995. you've ever seen

996. in all of your stupid life.

997. The tower is closed this evening.

998. No way. It's supposed to be open till 7:00.

999. The tower is usually open until 7:00.

1000. Yesterday an American had a heart attack up the tower.

1001. Today the tower is closed.

1002. Here, cranky, here's 100 for you. We're only gonna be 20 minutes.

1003. The tower is closed this evening.

1004. Understand, Englishman?

1005. Jimmy, I've been wanting to say

1006. I'm really sorry for karate-chopping you the other night.

1007. That was way out of order.

1008. You know, Ray, I'd find it easier to believe and forgive you, somehow,

1009. if the two of you weren't laughing straight in my fucking face!

1010. It's for the goddamn movie, man.

1011. It is a nice town, Harry.

1012. I'm glad I got to see it.

1013. I didn't mean to be taking the piss out of it being a fairytale place.

1014. It is a fairytale place.

1015. — It really is. — Hmm.

1016. It's just a shame it's in Belgium, really.

1017. But then you figure if it wasn't in Belgium, if it was somewhere good,

1018. there'd be too many people coming to see it. It would spoil the whole thing.

1019. Well, I'm glad I got to see it

1020. before I died.

1021. What are you doing?

1022. What are you fucking doing?

1023. I'm not fighting anymore, Harry.

1024. All right, then I'm blowing your fucking head off.

1025. Don't come over all Gandhi. What are you fucking doing?

1026. Ken, stop messing about, please.

1027. Pick up your gun. I know I'm going to beat you anyway

1028. 'cause you're a spaz, but... Harry,

1029. I'm totally in your debt.

1030. The things that have gone between us in the past,

1031. I love you unreservedly for all that.

1032. What?

1033. For your integrity.

1034. For your honor.

1035. I love you.

1036. The boy had to be let go.

1037. The boy had to be given a chance.

1038. And if to do that, I had to say, "Fuck you, and fuck what I owe you,

1039. "and fuck everything that's gone on between us", then that's what I had to do.

1040. But I'm not fighting you.

1041. And I accept, totally, everything you've got to do.

1042. I accept it. Totally.

1043. Oh, yeah?

1044. Yeah.

1045. Well, you say all that fucking stuff, I can't fucking shoot you now, can I?

1046. It's entirely up to you, Harry.

1047. It's entirely your call.

1048. All I'm saying is I'm not fighting.

1049. Oh, you fucking cunt!

1050. Look, I'm not gonna do nothing to you

1051. just 'cause you're standing about like Robert fucking Powell.

1052. — Like who? — Like Robert fucking Powell

1053. out of Jesus of fucking Nazareth!

1054. My fucking leg!

1055. The psycho dwarf turns out to just be a loveable little schoolboy,

1056. and it's all some kind of Boschian nightmare.

1057. Kiss my ass!

1058. I guess at least there weren't any black people involved, eh, Jimmy?

1059. I wasn't...

1060. I wasn't talking about...

1061. There's gonna be a war between all the blacks and all the whites.

1062. And all the black midgets and all the white midgets,

1063. which would actually be really good.

1064. That's just cocaine.

1065. He didn't even want the Vietnamese on his side!

1066. That's just cocaine.

1067. Listen, we're filming down by the pointy building tonight.

1068. It might actually be good for once.

1069. You guys should come along.

1070. We... I think we're just gonna have a quiet one tonight, Jimmy.

1071. That's how it is!

1072. In another life.

1073. They're great, aren't they?

1074. You didn't. You didn't!

1075. Mr. Waters? Mr. Waters?

1076. — Who's that? — It's Eirik.

1077. — The blind boy? — Yeah.

1078. Yes.

1079. What do you fucking want?

1080. The guy you're looking for,

1081. the guy Ray, he's downstairs at the bar.

1082. I'm sorry, Ken.

1083. But you can't kill a kid and expect to get away with it.

1084. You just can't.

1085. — Where? — To the left when you come out.

1086. The bar to the left.

1087. Ken!

1088. Ken! Ken!

1089. Harry's here.

1090. What?

1091. Take

1092. my gun.

1093. Ken?

1094. Where's my gun?

1095. I'm gonna die now, I think.

1096. Oh, Ken!

1097. Jesus!

1098. Mr. Blakely said you had left.

1099. I need the key to the room right now.

1100. Quickly, now!

1101. And you gotta go home right now. It's very, very dangerous here.

1102. — All right? Go home! Right now! — Okay.

1103. No, I won't let you up there! Put that gun away, right now!

1104. Lady, get out of my fucking way, please.

1105. No, I won't. I won't get out of your way.

1106. You'll have to go through me.

1107. Well, obviously, I'm not gonna through you, am I, with a baby and that?

1108. I'm a nice person.

1109. But could you just get out of the fucking way, please?

1110. Marie!

1111. Just let him come up, it's okay.

1112. Harry, swear not to start shooting until she's left the hotel.

1113. I swear not to start shooting till she's left the hotel. I totally swear.

1114. Well, I'm not going anywhere.

1115. This is my hotel.

1116. So you can fuck off!

1117. — I suppose you've got a gun up there? — Yeah.

1118. Then what are we gonna do? We can't stand here all night.

1119. Why don't you both put your guns down and go home?

1120. Don't be stupid. This is the shootout.

1121. — Harry, I've got an idea. — What?

1122. My room faces onto the canal, right?

1123. I'm gonna go back to me room, jump into the canal,

1124. see if I can swim to the other side and escape.

1125. Right. If you go outside and round the corner,

1126. you can shoot at me from there and try and get me.

1127. That way, we leave this lady and her baby out of the whole, entire thing.

1128. Do you completely promise to jump into the canal?

1129. I don't want to run out there, come back in 10 minutes

1130. and find you fucking hiding in a cupboard.

1131. I completely promise, Harry.

1132. I'm not gonna risk having another little kid die, am I?

1133. So, hang on, I go outside, then I go which way, right or left?

1134. You go right, don't you?

1135. You can see it from the doorway! It's a big fucking canal!

1136. All right. Jesus! I've only just got here, haven't I?

1137. Okay. On a count of "one, two, three, go", okay?

1138. Okay.

1139. What? Who says it?

1140. Oh, you say it.

1141. You guys are crazy.

1142. — Are you ready? — Ready.

1143. — Set? — Set.

1144. One, two, three, go!

1145. Keep driving!

1146. No way. You're way too far away.

1147. The little boy.

1148. That's right, Ray.

1149. The little boy.

1150. Oh.

1151. I see.

1152. No, Harry.

1153. He's not...

1154. You've got to stick to your principles.

1155. There's a Christmas tree somewhere in London

1156. with a bunch of presents underneath it that'll never be opened.

1157. And I thought, "If I survive all this, I'll go to that house,

1158. "apologize to the mother there,

1159. "and accept whatever punishment she chose for me."

1160. Prison, death, it didn't matter.

1161. Because at least in prison and at least in death, you know,

1162. I wouldn't be in fucking Bruges.

1163. But then, like a flash, it came to me, and I realized,

1164. "Fuck, man, maybe that's what Hell is.

1165. "The entire rest of eternity spent in fucking Bruges!"

1166. And I really, really hoped I wouldn't die.

1167. I really, really hoped I wouldn't die.