1. As the 21st century began,
human evolution was at a turning point.Copy !req
2. Natural selection,
the process by which the strongest...Copy !req
3. the smartest, the fastest reproduced
in greater numbers than the rest...Copy !req
4. a process which had once favored
the noblest traits of man...Copy !req
5. now began to favor different traits.Copy !req
6. The Joey Buttafuoco...Copy !req
7. Most science fiction of the day...Copy !req
8. predicted a future that was
more civilized and more intelligent.Copy !req
9. But as time went on, things seemed
to be heading in the opposite direction...Copy !req
10. a dumbing-down.Copy !req
11. How did this happen?Copy !req
12. Evolution does not necessarily
reward intelligence.Copy !req
13. With no natural predators
to thin the herd...Copy !req
14. it began to simply reward
those who reproduced the most...Copy !req
15. and left the intelligent
to become an endangered species.Copy !req
16. Having kids
is such an important decision.Copy !req
17. We're waiting for the right time.Copy !req
18. It's not something
you wanna rush into, obviously.Copy !req
19. No way.Copy !req
20. - Oh, shit, I'm pregnant again.
- Shit, I got too many damn kids.Copy !req
21. I thought you was on the pill
or some shit.Copy !req
22. - Hell, no.
- Shit, must've been thinking of Brittany.Copy !req
23. Brittany? No, you didn't.
What...?Copy !req
24. There's no way
we could have a child now.Copy !req
25. - Not with the market the way it is, no.
- No, that just wouldn't make any sense.Copy !req
26. Come on over here, bitch.
He don't care about you.Copy !req
27. Yeah? Well, there must be
something he likes over here.Copy !req
28. - She don't mean nothing to me, baby.
- Clevon!Copy !req
29. - Oh, shoot. It wasn't me, it wasn't me!
- You bastard!Copy !req
30. Well, we finally decided
to have children...Copy !req
31. and I'm not pointing fingers,
but it's not going well.Copy !req
32. And this is helping?Copy !req
33. I'm saying that before I have in vitro,
you should be willing to...Copy !req
34. It's always me, right?Copy !req
35. Well, it's not my sperm count.Copy !req
36. Yeah! Yeah!Copy !req
37. - I'm gonna fuck all y'all.
- That's my boy.Copy !req
38. Clevon is lucky to be alive.Copy !req
39. He attempted to jump a Jet Ski
from a lake into a swimming pool...Copy !req
40. and impaled his crotch
on an iron gate.Copy !req
41. But thanks to advances
in stem-cell research...Copy !req
42. and the fine work
of Doctors Krinski and Altschuler...Copy !req
43. Clevon should regain
full reproductive function.Copy !req
44. Get your hands off my junk.Copy !req
45. Unfortunately, Trevor passed away
from a heart attack...Copy !req
46. while masturbating to produce sperm
for artificial insemination.Copy !req
47. But I have some eggs frozen...Copy !req
48. so just as soon as the right guy
comes along, you know...Copy !req
49. And so it went for generations.Copy !req
50. Although few, if any, seemed to notice.Copy !req
51. But in the year 2005, in a military base
just outside of Washington, D. C...Copy !req
52. a simple Army librarian...Copy !req
53. was unknowingly about to change
the entire course of human history.Copy !req
54. Come on, asshole.
Go on, take him to jail.Copy !req
55. Hey, Bauers.Copy !req
56. - This is Peterson, your new replacement.
- My what? I'm getting replaced?Copy !req
57. - Yeah, they didn't tell you?
- No.Copy !req
58. Some new assignment. They're being
all weird and hush-hush about it.Copy !req
59. I don't want a new assignment.
I tell Metsler that every time.Copy !req
60. - I'm good at this.
- Good at what? Sitting on ass?Copy !req
61. No one ever comes in here.Copy !req
62. Yeah, it's perfect for me.
No one bothers me, I can't screw up.Copy !req
63. If I can stay in here
another eight years, I get my pension.Copy !req
64. I'm all set.Copy !req
65. - Can you just get me out of this?
- No way, not this time.Copy !req
66. - It's coming from high up.
- Jesus, I don't understand.Copy !req
67. Why me? Every time Metsler says,
"Lead, follow, or get out of the way"...Copy !req
68. I get out of the way.Copy !req
69. When he says that, you're not supposed
to choose "get out of the way."Copy !req
70. It's supposed to embarrass you
into leading, or at least following.Copy !req
71. That doesn't embarrass me.Copy !req
72. Look, Joe, you don't have a choice.
You're just gonna have to follow.Copy !req
73. Like follow me upstairs, like, now.Copy !req
74. Right now? Shouldn't I train this guy?Copy !req
75. He can figure out how to sit on his ass
and watch TV all day.Copy !req
76. Let's go.Copy !req
77. Gentlemen, meet Joe Bauers.Copy !req
78. Our first subject
for the Human Hibernation experiment.Copy !req
79. As you know, throughout the years...Copy !req
80. many of our best soldiers
and military leaders...Copy !req
81. often go their entire careers
without ever seeing battle.Copy !req
82. With the Human Hibernation Project,
we will be able to save our best men...Copy !req
83. frozen in their prime,
for use when they are needed most.Copy !req
84. Joe here is not one of our best men.Copy !req
85. Mr. Bauers was chosen primarily
for how remarkably average he is.Copy !req
86. Extremely average...Copy !req
87. in every category.
Remarkable, truly.Copy !req
88. The most average person
in our entire armed forces.Copy !req
89. Additionally, he has no family,
is unmarried, is an only child...Copy !req
90. and both parents are deceased,
making him an ideal candidate...Copy !req
91. with no one to ask any nosy questions
should something go wrong.Copy !req
92. We had a little less luck...Copy !req
93. in finding a female researcher's dream
within our ranks...Copy !req
94. and were forced
to look into the private sector.Copy !req
95. This is Rita.
Like Joe, she has no immediate family.Copy !req
96. Rita agreed to participate
in this experiment...Copy !req
97. in exchange for dropping of certain
criminal charges and a small fee.Copy !req
98. We did, however, have to come
to an arrangement with her pimp...Copy !req
99. a gentleman who goes by the name
Upgrayedd, which he spells thusly:Copy !req
100. "With two D's," as he says,
"for a double dose of this pimping."Copy !req
101. Upgrayedd agreed to loan us Rita
for exactly one year...Copy !req
102. and keep quiet on the matter
in exchange for certain leeways...Copy !req
103. with the local authorities
in running his pimp game.Copy !req
104. First, however, there was the difficult
challenge of gaining his trust.Copy !req
105. Collins, could we skip
to the technicals, please?Copy !req
106. Sure, let me just finish here.Copy !req
107. You see, a pimp's love
is very different from that of a square...Copy !req
108. Collins!Copy !req
109. Fine. We'll move on.Copy !req
110. It is a fascinating world though.Copy !req
111. Jesus, Collins.Copy !req
112. Yeah, that's...Copy !req
113. Anyway, the experiment, in which
these two subjects are to be placed...Copy !req
114. into a dry freeze for exactly one year,
is set to begin tomorrow.Copy !req
115. As you know, this is highly classified.Copy !req
116. However, if successful, we believe
humans can be stored indefinitely.Copy !req
117. So this is kind of crazy, huh?Copy !req
118. What unit are you with?Copy !req
119. - Oh, I ain't in the service.
- Oh, private sector. Okay.Copy !req
120. So, what do you do?Copy !req
121. - Little of this, little of that.
- Wow, that's great.Copy !req
122. I really envy people
that can make a living that way.Copy !req
123. You know, doing a little of this
and a little of that.Copy !req
124. I had a neighbor, Glen, he used
to make chainsaw sculptures...Copy !req
125. and then he'd sell them
at the flea market.Copy !req
126. Yeah.Copy !req
127. So you an artist or something?Copy !req
128. Yeah.Copy !req
129. - You do paintings or...?
- Yeah, paintings.Copy !req
130. Okay, great.Copy !req
131. What do you paint mostly?Copy !req
132. I don't know.
Just people and fruit and shit.Copy !req
133. Well, must be great to be able to make
a living doing something you love.Copy !req
134. Well, it's not all it's cracked up to be.Copy !req
135. - Okay, who wants to go first?
- Me.Copy !req
136. What the f...? Oh, hell, no.Copy !req
137. Hey, no, you probably don't want
to do that, with the IVs attached and all.Copy !req
138. - What's the matter?
- Upgrayedd didn't tell me...Copy !req
139. they'd be putting me
in no damn coffin with tubes and shit.Copy !req
140. No, no, don't worry about it.
It'll be safe, trust me.Copy !req
141. - Wait, who's Upgrayedd?
- He's my boyfriend.Copy !req
142. Man, how do you know
this shit's safe?Copy !req
143. They know what they're doing.
Don't worry.Copy !req
144. They've tested it
on dogs and everything.Copy !req
145. What happens is the drugs will kick in,
we drift off to sleep...Copy !req
146. we wake up in a year,
you'll be painting again. It'll be fine.Copy !req
147. - All right.
- Upgrayedd, that's an interesting name.Copy !req
148. Is he Dutch?Copy !req
149. See, because I knew
this Dutch exchange student.Copy !req
150. His name was Untgrad.Copy !req
151. Okay, my niggas, we're almost set here.
Just go ahead and lie down. Relax.Copy !req
152. See you in a year.Copy !req
153. The Human Hibernation Project...Copy !req
154. was one of the Army's
most ambitious experiments...Copy !req
155. and one of its most secretive.Copy !req
156. But it was not immune
from human error.Copy !req
157. Freeze.Copy !req
158. Soon after Collins ' arrest...Copy !req
159. and the massive scandal that followed,
the base was closed.Copy !req
160. It hadn't even been a year, and
the entire project was simply forgotten.Copy !req
161. Things looked bleak for Joe,
but they were even worse for mankind.Copy !req
162. As Joe and Rita lay dormant,
the years passed...Copy !req
163. and mankind became stupider
at a frightening rate.Copy !req
164. Some had high hopes
that genetic engineering...Copy !req
165. would correct
this trend in evolution.Copy !req
166. But sadly, the greatest minds
and resources...Copy !req
167. were focused on conquering hair loss
and prolonging erections.Copy !req
168. Meanwhile, the population exploded,
and intelligence continued to decline...Copy !req
169. until humanity was incapable
of solving even its most basic problems.Copy !req
170. Like garbage, which had been stacked
for centuries with no plan whatsoever...Copy !req
171. leading to
the Great Garbage Avalanche of 2505...Copy !req
172. which would set in motion the events
that would change the world forever.Copy !req
173. - Hold on.
- Next, on the Violence Channel...Copy !req
174. an all-new Ow! My Balls!Copy !req
175. Funny.Copy !req
176. You're gonna get hit in the balls.Copy !req
177. My balls.Copy !req
178. Mom?Copy !req
179. - Where's...?
- Hold on. Shut up.Copy !req
180. - Where's Officer Collins?
- Shut up!Copy !req
181. Next week on Ow! My Balls!
Hormel goes to Paris.Copy !req
182. Are we on base?Copy !req
183. I'll base your ass on my fist.
In your face, ass.Copy !req
184. - Shut up.
- I'm sorry, it's just...Copy !req
185. - Where am I?
- Shut up! I told you already.Copy !req
186. Yeah. Wouldn't shut up.
Come in here and not shut up.Copy !req
187. Yeah, you were like,
"I'm not shutting up."Copy !req
188. Unaware of what year it was...Copy !req
189. Joe wandered the streets
desperate for help.Copy !req
190. But the English language
had deteriorated...Copy !req
191. into a hybrid of hillbilly, Valley girl,
inner-city slang and various grunts.Copy !req
192. Joe was able to understand them...Copy !req
193. but when he spoke
in an ordinary voice...Copy !req
194. he sounded pompous
and faggy to them.Copy !req
195. Paging Dr. Louie...Copy !req
196. Report to...Copy !req
197. - Dr. Louie, report...
- Your floor is now clean.Copy !req
198. Your floor... Your floor is now clean.Copy !req
199. Your floor... Your floor is now clean.
Your floor... Your floor is now clean.Copy !req
200. Hi, I was in an Army experiment,
and I'm not feeling so well.Copy !req
201. It might have been the drugs
they had me on.Copy !req
202. I've been hallucinating.
My head is just killing me.Copy !req
203. My joints are all achy and I...Copy !req
204. Is this a hospital or...?Copy !req
205. Actually, I don't even know
where I am.Copy !req
206. Please proceed to the diagnostic area
on the right.Copy !req
207. And have a healthy day.Copy !req
208. - Thanks.
- Thank you!Copy !req
209. Excuse me. I think
this might be Gatorade or something.Copy !req
210. I was just looking for some
regular water.Copy !req
211. - Water?
- Yeah.Copy !req
212. You mean like in the toilet? What for?Copy !req
213. Well, you know, just to drink.Copy !req
214. You've got hepatitis.Copy !req
215. Oh, is someone not feeling well?Copy !req
216. Your illness is very important to us.Copy !req
217. - Next.
- Welcome to the Healthmaster Inferno.Copy !req
218. - Powered by Jormi Technology.
- This goes in your mouth.Copy !req
219. This one goes in your ear.Copy !req
220. And this one goes in your butt.Copy !req
221. Come on.Copy !req
222. - Hurry up, asshole!
- Come on.Copy !req
223. Shit, hang on a second.Copy !req
224. - This one... No.
- Hey, come on.Copy !req
225. Hurry up!Copy !req
226. This one.
This one goes in your mouth.Copy !req
227. Come on!Copy !req
228. Thank you for waiting.
Dr. Lexus will be with you shortly.Copy !req
229. That's a weird misprint.Copy !req
230. Hey. How's it hang, ése?Copy !req
231. Yeah, right. Well, not so good,
you know.Copy !req
232. I don't really know what's going on,
but I'm seeing things.Copy !req
233. Think it might be because of these drugs
the Army put me on.Copy !req
234. But if you could just get me well enough
to get back to base...Copy !req
235. Right. Kick ass.Copy !req
236. Don't wanna sound like a dick
or nothing...Copy !req
237. but it says on your chart
that you're fucked up.Copy !req
238. You talk like a fag,
and your shit's all retarded.Copy !req
239. What I do is just like...
Like...Copy !req
240. You know, like,
you know what I mean? Like...Copy !req
241. No, I'm serious here.Copy !req
242. Don't worry, scro.Copy !req
243. No, there are plenty of tards out there
living really kick-ass lives.Copy !req
244. My first wife was tarded.
She's a pilot now.Copy !req
245. I need for you to be serious
for a second here, okay? I need help.Copy !req
246. There's that fag talk
we talked about.Copy !req
247. All right,
so that'll be this many dollars...Copy !req
248. and if you could just go ahead
and, like, put your tattoo in that shit.Copy !req
249. That's weird. This thing
has the same misprint as that magazine.Copy !req
250. - What are the odds of...?
- Where's your tattoo?Copy !req
251. Tattoo?Copy !req
252. Why don't you have this?Copy !req
253. Oh, God.Copy !req
254. - Where's your tattoo?
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
255. Why come you don't have a tattoo?Copy !req
256. Oh, my God.Copy !req
257. You're not unscannable, are you?Copy !req
258. - Oh, my God!
- You're unscannable.Copy !req
259. - Unscannable!
- No. No, you don't understand.Copy !req
260. Let me talk to someone in the Army.
Wait a second, they're all dead.Copy !req
261. Everybody I know is dead.
Oh, my God!Copy !req
262. No! Stop!Copy !req
263. - Calm down!
- Calm down!Copy !req
264. - How'd this happen?
- How did it happen?Copy !req
265. - Floor is now clean.
Your floor... Your floor is now clean.Copy !req
266. Joe had awakened to a world in crisis.Copy !req
267. The economy was in a state
of deep neglect.Copy !req
268. A great dust bowl
had ravaged food supplies.Copy !req
269. And the number-one movie
in the country was called Ass.Copy !req
270. And that's all it was for 90 minutes.Copy !req
271. It won eight Oscars that year,
including Best Screenplay.Copy !req
272. Enjoy your Extra Big-Ass Fries.Copy !req
273. You didn't give me no fries.
I got an empty box.Copy !req
274. Would you like
another Extra Big-Ass Fries?Copy !req
275. - I said I didn't get any.
- Thank you.Copy !req
276. Your account has been charged.
Your balance is zero.Copy !req
277. - Come back when you can afford...
- What?Copy !req
278. to make a purchase.
- Oh, no!Copy !req
279. - Sorry you're having trouble.
- Come on.Copy !req
280. - I'm sorry you're having trouble.
- My kids are starving.Copy !req
281. This should help you calm down.Copy !req
282. Please come back when you can
afford to make a purchase.Copy !req
283. Your kids are starving.Copy !req
284. Carl's Jr. Believes
no child should go hungry.Copy !req
285. You are an unfit mother.Copy !req
286. Your children will be placed
in the custody of Carl's Jr.Copy !req
287. Carl's Jr. Fuck you, I'm eating.Copy !req
288. Welcome to Carl's Jr.Copy !req
289. Would you like to try
our Extra Big-Ass Taco...Copy !req
290. now with more molecules?Copy !req
291. Hey! Is this particular individual
the unfit mother?Copy !req
292. - Me? No.
- Okay.Copy !req
293. This particular individual
is unscannable.Copy !req
294. Listen, I can explain, okay?
I was in an Army experiment.Copy !req
295. Wait. There's the other pod
from the Army experiment.Copy !req
296. There's a girl from the same experiment.Copy !req
297. - Would you stop so l...?
- That's enough of your bullshit, sir.Copy !req
298. Joe was arrested
for not paying his hospital bill...Copy !req
299. and not having his UPC tattoo.Copy !req
300. He would soon discover
that in the future...Copy !req
301. justice was not only blind...Copy !req
302. but had become rather retarded
as well.Copy !req
303. You shut up!Copy !req
304. Now...Copy !req
305. I'm fixing to commensurate
this trial here.Copy !req
306. We gonna see if we can't come up
with a verdict up in here.Copy !req
307. Now, since y'all say
you ain't got no money...Copy !req
308. we have proprietarily obtained for you
one of them court-appointed lawyers.Copy !req
309. So put your hands together
and give it up for Frito Pendejo.Copy !req
310. You're my lawyer?Copy !req
311. Says here you robbed a hospital?Copy !req
312. - Why'd you do that?
- Yeah, I'm not guilty.Copy !req
313. - That's not what the other lawyer said.
- What...? Listen.Copy !req
314. Get me on the stand, okay? I can explain.
We can take them to your house.Copy !req
315. - Show them the pod that I came here in.
- Shut up. Shut up! Shut up!Copy !req
316. Now, prosecutor,
why you think he done it?Copy !req
317. Okay, number one, Your Honor,
just look at him.Copy !req
318. He talks like a fag too.Copy !req
319. And B, we've got all this,
like... evidence...Copy !req
320. of how, like, this guy
didn't even pay at the hospital.Copy !req
321. And I heard
that he doesn't even have his tattoo.Copy !req
322. I know. And I'm all,
"You gotta be shitting me."Copy !req
323. But check this out, man.
Judge should be like:Copy !req
324. Guilty. Peace.Copy !req
325. - Objection!
- What are you objectifying on?Copy !req
326. - Come on, just get me on the stand now.
- Okay.Copy !req
327. Your Honor?Copy !req
328. I object...Copy !req
329. that this guy also broke
my apartment to shit. Yeah.Copy !req
330. - What?
- And you know what else?Copy !req
331. I object that he's not
gonna have any money to pay me...Copy !req
332. after he pays back all the money
he stole from the hospital.Copy !req
333. Don't say I stole. You're my lawyer.Copy !req
334. And I object...Copy !req
335. I object that he interrupted me
while I was watching Ow! My Balls!Copy !req
336. That is not okay!Copy !req
337. And I rest my case!Copy !req
338. I'm pretty sure
we have a mistrial here, sir.Copy !req
339. I'm gonna mistrial my foot up your ass,
if you don't shut up.Copy !req
340. - Please listen...
- "Please listen."Copy !req
341. I didn't steal anything.
I was part of an Army...Copy !req
342. Joe stated his case logically
and passionately...Copy !req
343. but his perceived effeminate voice
only drew big gales of stupid laughter.Copy !req
344. Guilty!Copy !req
345. Without adequate legal representation,
Joe was given a stiff sentence.Copy !req
346. Meanwhile,
Rita had awakened to find...Copy !req
347. that the world's oldest profession
was a lot easier...Copy !req
348. when the world is populated
by morons.Copy !req
349. Welcome to AOL Time Warner Taco Bell
U.S. Government long distance.Copy !req
350. Please say the name of the person
you wish to call.Copy !req
351. Upgrayedd.Copy !req
352. There are 9726 listings for Upgrayedd.Copy !req
353. Please deposit $ 2000
to begin connection.Copy !req
354. - Man, what?
- Oh, yeah, baby.Copy !req
355. Hey. Look, can you just...?Copy !req
356. - Can you wait a second, please?
- Oh, yeah, baby.Copy !req
357. I can wait so good.Copy !req
358. Really?Copy !req
359. You think maybe you could wait a day?Copy !req
360. Baby, I can wait two days.Copy !req
361. That's good.
Because I charge by the hour.Copy !req
362. Oh, yeah? Well, you gonna be glad
you waited, baby.Copy !req
363. Thank you very much, young man.Copy !req
364. What the fuck?
Goddamn, shit's changed in a year.Copy !req
365. What are we doing here?Copy !req
366. Okay, sir, we're engaged
in procuring your tattoo.Copy !req
367. Welcome to the
Identity Processing Program of America.Copy !req
368. Please insert your forearm
into the forearm receptacle.Copy !req
369. Thank you.Copy !req
370. Please speak your name as it appears
on your current federal identity card...Copy !req
371. - ... document number G24L8.
- Yeah, well, I'm not sure if...Copy !req
372. You have entered the name
Not Sure.Copy !req
373. - Is this correct, Not Sure?
- No, it's not correct.Copy !req
374. Thank you. Not is correct.Copy !req
375. - Is Sure correct?
- No, it's not.Copy !req
376. - My name is Joe...
- You've already confirmed...Copy !req
377. your first name is Not.
Please confirm your last name, Sure.Copy !req
378. My last name is not Sure...Copy !req
379. - Thank you, Not Sure.
- What I mean...Copy !req
380. - My name is Joe Bau...
- Confirmation is complete.Copy !req
381. Please wait while I tattoo
your new identity on your arm.Copy !req
382. Wait a second, can we start over?
Can I cancel this?Copy !req
383. Can we cancel this
and go back to the beginning?Copy !req
384. They're gonna tat...Copy !req
385. Could I speak to your supervisor?Copy !req
386. Please hold still for your photograph.Copy !req
387. Oh, that's fucking great.Copy !req
388. Okay, sir, now we will begin to proceed
to obtain your IQ and aptitude tests.Copy !req
389. What for?Copy !req
390. Okay, sir, this is to figure out
what your aptitude's good at...Copy !req
391. and get you a jail job while
you're being a particular individual in jail.Copy !req
392. If you have one bucket
that holds two gallons...Copy !req
393. and another bucket
that holds five gallons...Copy !req
394. how many buckets do you have?Copy !req
395. - Two?
- Thank you.Copy !req
396. Desperate and scared,
Joe used his superior intelligence...Copy !req
397. to come up with the best escape plan
he could think of.Copy !req
398. Hi, excuse me.Copy !req
399. I'm actually supposed
to be getting out of prison today, sir.Copy !req
400. Yeah.Copy !req
401. You're in the wrong line, dumb-ass.Copy !req
402. - Over there.
- I'm sorry. I am being a big dumb-ass.Copy !req
403. - Sorry.
- Hey, let this dumb-ass through.Copy !req
404. - Tattoo.
- Yeah. Got it.Copy !req
405. I don't see you in here.Copy !req
406. So you're gonna have to
stay in prison.Copy !req
407. Could you check again?Copy !req
408. Because I was... You know,
I was definitely in prison, okay?Copy !req
409. That guy sat on my face
and everything.Copy !req
410. Maybe check those files back there?Copy !req
411. Escape. Escape. Escape.Copy !req
412. Escape. Escape. Escape.Copy !req
413. The Masturbation Network.
Keeping America bating for 300 years.Copy !req
414. And now, Sweet Bang Tube.Copy !req
415. Oh, yeah, give me some.
Cut me a piece.Copy !req
416. Oh, ye... That's...Copy !req
417. Go away, bating.Copy !req
418. Damn it.Copy !req
419. All right.Copy !req
420. Hey. Hey, get out of here.
Hey, get out of here.Copy !req
421. No, wait, listen. You let me,
an innocent man, get thrown in jail.Copy !req
422. So? Shut up.
Because you broke my house.Copy !req
423. I could have you disbarred...Copy !req
424. Disbarred!
- For what you did to me.Copy !req
425. Maybe you'd go to jail
for not having any money.Copy !req
426. - Really?
- Yeah, really.Copy !req
427. Now, look. Okay, here's the deal.
I've been thinking. It's been 500 years.Copy !req
428. Someone has to have invented
a way to travel back in time.Copy !req
429. You know, I think they were close
even in my day.Copy !req
430. You know,
with Einstein and guys like that?Copy !req
431. You know, scientists? You know?Copy !req
432. A time machine, for time travel.Copy !req
433. - Do they have one?
- What...?Copy !req
434. Jesus.
I knew that was too much to hope for.Copy !req
435. No, no, they got a time machine.Copy !req
436. - They do?
- Yeah.Copy !req
437. - Are you sure?
- Yeah.Copy !req
438. Can it get me back to 2005?Copy !req
439. Yeah, but it's really expensive.
It breaks all the time...Copy !req
440. because some smart guy
made it a long time ago.Copy !req
441. I don't care. Just get me there, okay?Copy !req
442. - Please.
- Listen, I supersize with you...Copy !req
443. but didn't you go to jail
for not having enough money?Copy !req
444. Okay, how about this?
You get me to the time machine...Copy !req
445. and when I get back,
I open a savings account in your name.Copy !req
446. That way, 500 years later,
it'll be worth billions.Copy !req
447. - Billions.
- Because...?Copy !req
448. Because of the interest,
it'll be worth billions.Copy !req
449. Oh, I like money.Copy !req
450. - Yeah.
- How many billions?Copy !req
451. Like 10.Copy !req
452. Yeah, suck one.
Time machine costs like 20.Copy !req
453. Yeah? Okay, 30, Frito.
Thirty billion dollars.Copy !req
454. Thirty billion.Copy !req
455. So if you gave me 30 billion,
and the time machine's 20...Copy !req
456. What's the minus of 30 and 20?Copy !req
457. It's 80, Frito. It's $80 billion.Copy !req
458. - That's a mighty big minus, isn't it?
- Yeah. I like money though.Copy !req
459. Police! Open the door!
We're looking for an escaped individual.Copy !req
460. - Particular individual's name is Not Sure.
- Eighty billion.Copy !req
461. - He's somewhere else.
- Hey, you got something I can wear?Copy !req
462. Yeah, there's Pro-Wear on the top
and assorted in the middle.Copy !req
463. A Coke machine caught his tattoo.
Seemed to be heading for this domicile.Copy !req
464. - Okay, sir, we're coming in.
- No, you can't come in.Copy !req
465. - Can too.
- Come on.Copy !req
466. All right, let's go get my billions.Copy !req
467. Oh, okay, one more thing. We gotta
go find this girl Rita first, okay?Copy !req
468. - Is she banging?
- Yeah, I'm sure she is.Copy !req
469. That wasn't really part of the deal.Copy !req
470. Okay, I'll throw in
another couple billion, all right?Copy !req
471. - I like money.
- Okay, her pod's up here on the right.Copy !req
472. She shouldn't be too far away, I hope.Copy !req
473. Girl. Oh, yeah.
So when we gonna do it?Copy !req
474. Because you been charging me
by the hour, and it's been three days.Copy !req
475. Oh, yeah. Soon, baby, soon.Copy !req
476. Hey, you know what?
Why don't you come back tomorrow?Copy !req
477. - Yeah, yeah, baby, yeah.
- Yeah?Copy !req
478. When I finally utilize you,
you gonna be paying me.Copy !req
479. That's right. Whatever you say, sir.Copy !req
480. - Hey, you still on the clock.
- Yeah, girl.Copy !req
481. Thank you.Copy !req
482. Rita. Rita, it's me, Joe.
From the experiment.Copy !req
483. - Get in the car, come on.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
484. - Hey, what the hell, man?
- Just get in the car.Copy !req
485. - I'll explain everything.
- Man, where we going?Copy !req
486. - Just get in the car. Trust me.
- What happened to those Army guys?Copy !req
487. - Wait a minute, you got cops after you?
- Yeah.Copy !req
488. And you made me get in the car?
I got two strikes.Copy !req
489. Frito, take a right here. Right. Right.
Into that dust storm, Frito.Copy !req
490. They must have just
forgotten about us.Copy !req
491. It's been 500 years? Oh, hell, no.Copy !req
492. Upgrayedd is gonna kill me. He gets mad
when I'm a day late with his money.Copy !req
493. So you owe your boyfriend money?Copy !req
494. Well, yeah,
he's sort of my manager too.Copy !req
495. You know, he helps me
sell the paintings and shit.Copy !req
496. Look, Rita, you gotta understand...Copy !req
497. that Upgrayedd's been dead
for a long time now.Copy !req
498. You said there was a time machine.Copy !req
499. Yeah, yeah, there's a time machine now
that can take us back to the past...Copy !req
500. but there was no time machine
back then so...Copy !req
501. Upgrayedd don't care
where the time machine is.Copy !req
502. Now, then, last week, he will find
a way to come get his money.Copy !req
503. You don't have to worry about it...Copy !req
504. The last time you told me not to worry
was 500 years ago.Copy !req
505. You were trying to tell me
to get into some Army coffin.Copy !req
506. Rita, I don't know how this happened.Copy !req
507. But I'm doing everything I can to get us
back there. I promise you.Copy !req
508. You are harboring a fugitive
by the name of Not Sure.Copy !req
509. Please pull over and wait for the police
to incarcerate your passenger.Copy !req
510. Oh, hell, no. You gotta let me
out of here, right now.Copy !req
511. Rita, they're gonna throw you in jail.Copy !req
512. You don't wanna get thrown in the jails
they got around here.Copy !req
513. You're better off being with us
as bad as that sounds.Copy !req
514. - Wait, why are we slowing down?
- They turned off my battery.Copy !req
515. Look, how far is it?
Can we just take a cab or something?Copy !req
516. Oh, shit.Copy !req
517. Oh, shit.Copy !req
518. Yeah!Copy !req
519. - What's wrong with you? That's your car.
- Yeah, look.Copy !req
520. Oh, hell, yeah. He's on fire.Copy !req
521. Come on, let's get out of here.Copy !req
522. Hey, how much farther is it?Copy !req
523. It's, like, far.Copy !req
524. Man, I could really
go for a Starbucks, you know?Copy !req
525. Yeah, well, I really don't think
we have time for a hand job, Joe.Copy !req
526. Man, he don't seem too bright.
You sure he knows where he's going?Copy !req
527. I sure hope so. He's our only chance.Copy !req
528. - How'd you hook up with this guy?
- He's my lawyer.Copy !req
529. And he's not a very good one either.Copy !req
530. He's a goddamned idiot.Copy !req
531. There's a shuttle down in the Costco.
Drop us right by the time machine.Copy !req
532. Jesus Christ.Copy !req
533. Oh, look, one more thing.Copy !req
534. He thinks he's gonna get
billions of dollars if he takes us there.Copy !req
535. So if he mentions anything about
a savings account, just play along, okay?Copy !req
536. Yeah, what if this time machine
don't work?Copy !req
537. Then I'll spend the rest of my life
trying to fix it.Copy !req
538. Welcome to Costco. I love you.Copy !req
539. Welcome to Costco. I love you.Copy !req
540. Welcome to Costco. I love you.
Welcome to Costco.Copy !req
541. Shuttle's down there in Electronics,
about an hour from here.Copy !req
542. Been walking forever.
You know where you're going?Copy !req
543. Yeah, I know this place pretty good.
I went to law school here.Copy !req
544. - In Costco?
- Yeah, I couldn't believe it myself.Copy !req
545. Luckily, my dad was an alumnus...Copy !req
546. and pulled some strings.Copy !req
547. Hey, come on, Joe.Copy !req
548. We'd all like a hand job,
but we don't have time for it.Copy !req
549. Shuttle comes every few minutes.
Shouldn't be long.Copy !req
550. Do I got time to use the bathroom?Copy !req
551. - The toilet.
- Be right back.Copy !req
552. Yeah, back that thing up.Copy !req
553. - Hey, you mind if I pound on that, Joe?
- What?Copy !req
554. - I like having sex with chicks.
- Yeah?Copy !req
555. - Yeah.
- I think everybody does, Frito.Copy !req
556. Not like I do.
Like when you get it like this, sideways:Copy !req
557. - Then you just, like, back it up and...
- That's real good.Copy !req
558. - Then you... Oh, yes.
- Hey, stop, you're gonna get us caught.Copy !req
559. Warning, warning. Costco has detected
a dangerous fugitive in Aisle 16,702.Copy !req
560. What about Rita?
We can't just leave her here.Copy !req
561. I don't care.Copy !req
562. - Come on.
- Oh, shit.Copy !req
563. - Come on.
- Wait a second. What are we gonna do?Copy !req
564. Wait, okay, I know.
Here's what we do.Copy !req
565. We go to the time machine,
when I get back to the past...Copy !req
566. I tell her not to do the experiment.Copy !req
567. Then she won't even be here.
That'll work, right? No, wait a second.Copy !req
568. She already is here, so that must mean
I didn't go back in time, right?Copy !req
569. - Please stand clear...
- Wait. It means I haven't done it yet.Copy !req
570. Okay, so I go back
and I tell her not to do the experiment...Copy !req
571. then I won't have to do it
because she won't be here.Copy !req
572. Then I won't have to come back
and save her.Copy !req
573. But then, wait, why am I still here?Copy !req
574. Goddamn, how does
the time travel work?Copy !req
575. - Please stand clear.
- Freeze! Hands up!Copy !req
576. - Don't move! Put your hands up!
- Don't move! Freeze!Copy !req
577. If you guys are taking me back
to that jail...Copy !req
578. just go ahead and shoot me
because there's no way that...Copy !req
579. Fuck.Copy !req
580. What?Copy !req
581. What?Copy !req
582. - Damn it.
- God! Hey, stop.Copy !req
583. - What is this?
- Okay, sir, this is the White House.Copy !req
584. - What are we doing at the White House?
- What?Copy !req
585. It turned out
the results of Joe's IQ test...Copy !req
586. had caught the attention
of the highest levels of government.Copy !req
587. Okay, wait a minute.Copy !req
588. I'm the smartest guy in the world?
Says who?Copy !req
589. The IQ test you took in prison.
You got the highest score in history.Copy !req
590. Brought to you by Carl's Jr.Copy !req
591. Yeah, you're even smarter
than President Camacho.Copy !req
592. That's how come
he's making you secretary of interior.Copy !req
593. Okay, so who are you?Copy !req
594. I'm the secretary of energy.Copy !req
595. He won a contest.
Got to be a cabinet member.Copy !req
596. I'm the secretary of state.
Brought to you by Carl's Jr.Copy !req
597. Why do you keep saying that?Copy !req
598. Because they pay me every time I do.
It's a really good way to make money.Copy !req
599. You're so smart,
why don't you know that?Copy !req
600. - He's the secretary of defense.
- Hi.Copy !req
601. And fun-bags over there
is the attorney general.Copy !req
602. Hi.Copy !req
603. And that's the secretary of education.Copy !req
604. He's kind of stupid, but
he's President Camacho's stepbrother.Copy !req
605. Still, he does a pretty good job, eh?Copy !req
606. You know, I think there's been
some kind of mistake...Copy !req
607. because the test I took
was real, real easy.Copy !req
608. I'm not the smartest guy in the world.Copy !req
609. Okay?Copy !req
610. Okay, even if that were true,
I can't be the secretary of the interior.Copy !req
611. - I don't even know what it is.
- You better find out.Copy !req
612. - Sit down. It's President Camacho.
- Hey, hey, hey, yo.Copy !req
613. I gotta take care of some business,
baby, so I need y'all to wait outside.Copy !req
614. Dwayne Elizondo Camacho...Copy !req
615. five-time
Ultimate Smackdown champion...Copy !req
616. porn superstar
and president of the United States...Copy !req
617. had called a special summit
with the smartest man in the world.Copy !req
618. - So you smart, huh?
- No, no.Copy !req
619. - I thought your head would be bigger.
- It's just kind of...Copy !req
620. Goddamn. It look like a peanut.Copy !req
621. Let's get you sworn in.Copy !req
622. Ladies and gentlemen,
the president of America.Copy !req
623. President Camacho.Copy !req
624. Shut up. Shut up.Copy !req
625. Sit your monkey-ass down. Chill out.Copy !req
626. Shit.Copy !req
627. I know shit's bad right now
with all that starving bullshit.Copy !req
628. And the dust storms.Copy !req
629. And we running out of french fries
and burrito coverings.Copy !req
630. - Yeah.
- But I got a solution.Copy !req
631. - That's what you said last time.
- I got a solution.Copy !req
632. - You're a dick!
- South Carolina, what's up?Copy !req
633. That's what I thought.Copy !req
634. Now, I understand everyone's shit's
emotional right now.Copy !req
635. But listen up.Copy !req
636. - I got a three-point plan to fix everything.
- Break it down, Camacho.Copy !req
637. Number one...Copy !req
638. we got this guy, Not Sure.Copy !req
639. Number two, he's got a higher IQ
than any man alive.Copy !req
640. And number three,
he's gonna fix everything.Copy !req
641. I give you my word as president.Copy !req
642. He'll fix the problems
with all the dead crops.Copy !req
643. He's gonna make them grow again.Copy !req
644. - Crops?
- And that ain't all.Copy !req
645. One week?Copy !req
646. President Camacho
stood before the world...Copy !req
647. and promised everyone that Joe
would solve all their problems.Copy !req
648. He would not only end the dust bowl
and heal the economy...Copy !req
649. but he would cure acne
and carsickness as well.Copy !req
650. And if he didn't, President Camacho
made another promise:Copy !req
651. He would kick Joe's smart balls
up to the roof of his smart mouth.Copy !req
652. And then he would throw
his brainy ass back in jail.Copy !req
653. I should be honest with you,
Mr. President.Copy !req
654. I don't know
how to be secretary of anything.Copy !req
655. I've never even voted.Copy !req
656. I don't know what
the secretary of the interior even is.Copy !req
657. Come on, scro, don't be a pussy.Copy !req
658. It beats jail, don't it?Copy !req
659. Besides, you do a kick-ass job,
you get a full presidential pardon.Copy !req
660. - No jail time.
- Yeah?Copy !req
661. Fuck, yeah.Copy !req
662. Now, give me a beer.
And get you one too.Copy !req
663. Shit!Copy !req
664. Hold on, vato.Copy !req
665. - Do something smart.
- Yeah.Copy !req
666. Okay.Copy !req
667. I'll...Copy !req
668. We found that lawyer
you wanted.Copy !req
669. Oh, okay, great. Thanks.Copy !req
670. Right now, I'm going to, you know,
confer with my counsel.Copy !req
671. You understand?
So I'll be right back.Copy !req
672. Gonna go just work on some crop stuff,
get that taken care of.Copy !req
673. Get it worked out
by the time we get back here.Copy !req
674. Sounds pretty smart.Copy !req
675. Wait here, okay? Stay there.Copy !req
676. Dude, this is trepidatious.
You got me a room at the White House.Copy !req
677. Everyone gets laid
at the White House.Copy !req
678. - Yeah?
- Yeah.Copy !req
679. I'm glad you're happy to be here,
but I brought you here to help me.Copy !req
680. I don't know the first thing
about growing crops...Copy !req
681. much less the goddamn ecomony.Copy !req
682. Econ... Economy.Copy !req
683. Let's see. Growing crops...Copy !req
684. No, I just need you to tell me
how to get to the time machine.Copy !req
685. Oh, that's easy. Well, you go down
by the museum and stuff.Copy !req
686. It's, like, by the museum...Copy !req
687. sort of, but...
Well, actually, not really.Copy !req
688. More like... But on the street.Copy !req
689. You go... Wait, let me start over.Copy !req
690. You know where
the time machine is?Copy !req
691. Hey, just draw me a map, okay?Copy !req
692. You still want the money?Copy !req
693. If I had the money and a room
at the White House, I would be like...Copy !req
694. it's mine, all night.
- Listen, cut it out.Copy !req
695. Listen, I told these people
that you were smart, okay?Copy !req
696. - So act smart.
- Smart like you?Copy !req
697. "Oh, I gotta go to the time machine.
I wanna go home."Copy !req
698. - I don't talk like that.
- "I don't talk like that."Copy !req
699. Shit, I thought there was two of you.Copy !req
700. See?Copy !req
701. Doesn't look that big.Copy !req
702. Okay, let's go take a look
at those crops.Copy !req
703. Especially the ones, you know,
out around the museum area.Copy !req
704. All right?Copy !req
705. Hey, come on.Copy !req
706. Now, you either lead, follow,
or get out of the way, all right?Copy !req
707. - Did you just make that up?
- Yes, I did.Copy !req
708. I also need help finding
this girl named Rita, like, immediately.Copy !req
709. - And Frito will give you a hand with it.
- Why?Copy !req
710. Well, because, you know,
she'd be an essential...Copy !req
711. integral asset...Copy !req
712. you know, for our team,
for us to, you know, utilize.Copy !req
713. Utilize her.Copy !req
714. Utilize.Copy !req
715. Hey, but you're gonna
bring her here, right?Copy !req
716. Oh, yeah. Butt first.Copy !req
717. - Utilize her.
- Okay.Copy !req
718. Dang. May I approach
your benches?Copy !req
719. Yeah, this sucks pretty bad.Copy !req
720. Frito, why don't you come here
and take a look at this?Copy !req
721. Come on, hustle over here, buddy.
I wanna figure this out.Copy !req
722. See, there's not a lot of moist...Copy !req
723. - Have you got the map?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
724. Discreetly.Copy !req
725. - It's right there.
- I see. Stand up with me.Copy !req
726. Yo, Mr. Secretary Not Sure.
They found that whore you wanted.Copy !req
727. That may be how you refer to women
in the future, but come on.Copy !req
728. No, sir. Turns out she charged some
guy a lot of money and didn't put out.Copy !req
729. Don't worry.
We'll get her out on a work-release...Copy !req
730. whoring license
if you're doing her.Copy !req
731. Hands off. What do you think
I'll do, run through the field?Copy !req
732. What the fuck are y'all staring at?Copy !req
733. - Joe?
- That's Not Sure, ma'am.Copy !req
734. Secretary Not Sure.Copy !req
735. Secretary? Secretary of what?Copy !req
736. Say, would you guys mind if we had
a little moment together? Alone.Copy !req
737. You know, in the bushes.Copy !req
738. Oh, man.Copy !req
739. Yeah.Copy !req
740. Hey, you want us to come along
and make sure she puts out?Copy !req
741. No, thanks, I can handle it. Yeah.Copy !req
742. I thought you was in jail. How'd you
get to be secretary of interior?Copy !req
743. Just keep walking.
I'll explain everything.Copy !req
744. Okay, get ready to run.Copy !req
745. - What...?
- Oh, goddamn it.Copy !req
746. Way to go, Frito.Copy !req
747. Just make a run for it.
We'll ask for directions on the way.Copy !req
748. I spent two days looking for it.
It ain't easy to find.Copy !req
749. I can't go back to jail, and I sure
can't solve all these problems.Copy !req
750. Well, alls I know is I better
find Upgrayedd before he finds me.Copy !req
751. Listen to me. Upgrayedd cannot
find you, okay? It's impossible.Copy !req
752. - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.Copy !req
753. And even if Upgrayedd could somehow
magically travel through time...Copy !req
754. we got Secret Service guys
with huge guns protecting us, okay?Copy !req
755. So don't worry, you're safe.
You know what?Copy !req
756. It's none of my business,
but when we get back...Copy !req
757. you and Upgrayedd should
think about couples counseling.Copy !req
758. You should also think about
finding an art manager...Copy !req
759. who's not also your boyfriend.Copy !req
760. Hey!Copy !req
761. She not putting out?Copy !req
762. No, she is. We already did it.Copy !req
763. Yeah. Yeah, he was great.Copy !req
764. Okay.Copy !req
765. Hey, a couple of us guys
were wondering...Copy !req
766. if we could go family-style on her.Copy !req
767. Yeah, probably not right now.
We should focus on the crops.Copy !req
768. So let's get back to work.
Maybe later.Copy !req
769. What the hell is this?Copy !req
770. Tastes like Gatorade.Copy !req
771. Is that that Brawndo stuff?Copy !req
772. They're watering crops
with a sports drink?Copy !req
773. Brawndo, the thirst mutilator, had come
to replace water virtually everywhere.Copy !req
774. Water, the basic component
of all life...Copy !req
775. had been deemed a threat
to Brawndo's profit margin.Copy !req
776. The solution came
during the budget crisis of 2330...Copy !req
777. when the Brawndo Corporation
simply bought the FD A and the FCC...Copy !req
778. enabling them to say, do
and sell anything they wanted.Copy !req
779. Joe didn't know any of this.Copy !req
780. But he did see a problem that
he might actually be able to solve.Copy !req
781. With his options running out,
Joe took a bold step.Copy !req
782. He would not get out of the way.Copy !req
783. This time, he would lead.Copy !req
784. For the last time...Copy !req
785. I'm pretty sure what's killing
the crops is this Brawndo stuff.Copy !req
786. Brawndo's got what plants crave.
It's got electrolytes.Copy !req
787. So wait a minute. What you're saying
is that you want us...Copy !req
788. to put water on the crops.Copy !req
789. - Yes.
- Water, like out the toilet?Copy !req
790. I mean, it doesn't have to be out of
the toilet, but, yeah, that's the idea.Copy !req
791. - But Brawndo's got what plants crave.
- It's got electrolytes.Copy !req
792. Okay, look, the plants aren't growing.Copy !req
793. So I'm sure
that the Brawndo's not working.Copy !req
794. Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know that
if you put water on plants, they grow.Copy !req
795. Well, I've never seen no plants
grow out of no toilet.Copy !req
796. Hey, that's good. You sure you ain't
the smartest guy in the world?Copy !req
797. Okay, look,
you wanna solve this problem...Copy !req
798. I wanna get my pardon,
so why don't we just try it, okay?Copy !req
799. And not worry
about what plants crave.Copy !req
800. Brawndo's got what plants crave.Copy !req
801. - Goddamn it.
- Yeah, it's got electrolytes.Copy !req
802. What are electrolytes?
Do you even know?Copy !req
803. It's what they use to make Brawndo.Copy !req
804. Yeah, but why do they use them
to make Brawndo?Copy !req
805. Because Brawndo's got electrolytes.Copy !req
806. After several hours, Joe
finally gave up on logic and reason...Copy !req
807. and simply told the Cabinet
that he could talk to plants...Copy !req
808. and that they wanted water.Copy !req
809. He made believers out of everyone.Copy !req
810. Joe didn't know it,
but the beloved electrolytes...Copy !req
811. were salts that had been building up
in the topsoil over the decades...Copy !req
812. killing plants,
and leading to the dust bowl.Copy !req
813. As secretary of the interior...Copy !req
814. Joe ordered all crops
to be switched to water...Copy !req
815. promising that, over time,
plants would grow...Copy !req
816. and the dust bowl would end.Copy !req
817. He was on the fast track
to a full presidential pardon.Copy !req
818. Or so it seemed.Copy !req
819. Man, I hope something grows fast.Copy !req
820. Yeah, so we can haul our ass
back home.Copy !req
821. Man, you really think those people
would have starved to death?Copy !req
822. I don't know. I mean,
how did the world ever get like this?Copy !req
823. You know things are bad when
they're coming to me for answers.Copy !req
824. It's a weird feeling
being smarter than everyone.Copy !req
825. - I'm not used to it.
- Yeah, me neither.Copy !req
826. You think Einstein walked around...Copy !req
827. thinking everyone
was a bunch of dumb shits?Copy !req
828. Yeah, I hadn't thought of that.Copy !req
829. Now you know why
he built that bomb.Copy !req
830. Yeah.Copy !req
831. Hey, Joe, listen. Those cops...Copy !req
832. - Oh, hey, I'm sorry about that.
- No, no.Copy !req
833. They said that you got me a pardon.Copy !req
834. You know, if you hadn't done that,
I'd still be in jail right now.Copy !req
835. So I guess I owe you one.Copy !req
836. You don't have to sleep on the floor
if you don't want to.Copy !req
837. No, I'm all right. Yeah.Copy !req
838. Besides, I don't think Upgrayedd
would be too happy about that.Copy !req
839. You in bed with a stranger.Copy !req
840. Yeah.Copy !req
841. I know, I know.Copy !req
842. Oh, boy.Copy !req
843. Oh, shit. It's Upgrayedd.Copy !req
844. Oh, shit. It's not Upgrayedd.Copy !req
845. Given enough time,
Joe's plan might have worked.Copy !req
846. But when the Brawndo stock
suddenly dropped to zero...Copy !req
847. leaving half the population
unemployed...Copy !req
848. dumb, angry mobs
took to the streets...Copy !req
849. rioting and looting
and screaming for Joe's head.Copy !req
850. An emergency Cabinet meeting
was called...Copy !req
851. with the CEO
of the Brawndo Corporation.Copy !req
852. - How come nobody's buying Brawndo?
- Shit.Copy !req
853. - Half the country works for Brawndo.
- Not anymore!Copy !req
854. Stock's dropped to zero, the computer
did that auto-layoff thing to everybody.Copy !req
855. - We're all unemployed!
- Think that makes the ecomony suck?Copy !req
856. - Why is this happening?
- Because we switched to water...Copy !req
857. You mean this is all your fault?Copy !req
858. - What?
- Yeah, this is your fault.Copy !req
859. This shit started happening
when we switched to water.Copy !req
860. Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
Brought to you by Carl's Jr.Copy !req
861. Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
Brought to you by Carl's Jr.Copy !req
862. Fox News.Copy !req
863. He tried taking water from toilets...Copy !req
864. but it's Secretary Not Sure
who finds himself in the toilet now.Copy !req
865. And as history pulls down its pants...Copy !req
866. and prepares to lower its ass
on Not Sure's head...Copy !req
867. it will be Daddy Justice
who will be crapping on him this time.Copy !req
868. We now go live to Violence Channel
correspondent Formica Davis...Copy !req
869. at the Extreme Court
with highlights on today's trial.Copy !req
870. Thank you, Velveeta.Copy !req
871. Well, it started off boring and slow...Copy !req
872. with Not Sure trying to bullshit
everyone with a bunch of smart talk.Copy !req
873. "You gotta believe me."Copy !req
874. That part of the trial sucked.Copy !req
875. But then, the Chief J. Just went off.Copy !req
876. He said, "Man, whatever,
the guy's guilty as shit.Copy !req
877. We all know that. "Copy !req
878. And he sentenced his ass
to one night of rehabilitation.Copy !req
879. Hey, rehabilitation? One night?Copy !req
880. Doesn't sound so bad.Copy !req
881. Not so bad, huh?Copy !req
882. Here's some highlights
from last week's rehabilitation.Copy !req
883. And who could forget
that wonderful finish...Copy !req
884. by rehab officer Tylenol Jones?Copy !req
885. And tomorrow night
looks even more better.Copy !req
886. Word is that Beef Supreme himself
might come out of retirement.Copy !req
887. Wow, thank you, Formica.Copy !req
888. So you think you can
escape again?Copy !req
889. - Like you did last time?
- No. They pretty much fixed that.Copy !req
890. - How?
- They chained me to a big rock.Copy !req
891. Yeah. Look, Rita, get Frito.Copy !req
892. Get him to take you back
to the time machine without me.Copy !req
893. - Don't wait.
- No.Copy !req
894. You could've split on me before
but you didn't.Copy !req
895. Look, you wanna pay me back?
Just go back, okay?Copy !req
896. Tell people to read books.Copy !req
897. Tell people to stay in school,
you know.Copy !req
898. Tell people to just use their brains
or something, you know.Copy !req
899. I think maybe the world got like this
because of people like me.Copy !req
900. I never did anything with my life.Copy !req
901. At least you were an artist,
you know.Copy !req
902. - So just go back and...
- Visit's over.Copy !req
903. And, Rita, whatever you do,
keep painting, okay?Copy !req
904. Good luck, Joe.Copy !req
905. Okay, that's five down
and one more to go.Copy !req
906. Are you ready for a monster truck
duel to the death?Copy !req
907. Yeah! Let's give it up
for the Guitar Army.Copy !req
908. Okay, we're gonna do this shit.Copy !req
909. But first,
to lead us in the natural anthem...Copy !req
910. the star of Ow! My Balls!
Hormel Chavez!Copy !req
911. Thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
912. - Sing!
- Hey, come here.Copy !req
913. Come here!Copy !req
914. Right in the balls.Copy !req
915. That's just how that shit went
on TV.Copy !req
916. This execution is brought to you
by Brawndo, the thirst mutilator.Copy !req
917. After you've killed somebody...Copy !req
918. your body needs electrolytes.
- Yeah?Copy !req
919. So my car's out front...Copy !req
920. whenever you want me
to take you to that time machine.Copy !req
921. Thanks, Frito.Copy !req
922. - Yeah.
- I can't hear you.Copy !req
923. That's a real bummer
about Joe, huh?Copy !req
924. I can't hear you.Copy !req
925. Yeah.Copy !req
926. Can you turn this up?Copy !req
927. I love rehabilitation.Copy !req
928. Okay, let's meet our
rehabilitation officers for tonight.Copy !req
929. With a combined record of 62 kills...Copy !req
930. please welcome Vinny Mawumba
and the Dildozer!Copy !req
931. And his brother, Bobby Mawumba,
and the Ass Blaster!Copy !req
932. I get a truck too, right?Copy !req
933. Yeah. Here it comes.Copy !req
934. Get in.Copy !req
935. Yeah, you still
got the chain attached.Copy !req
936. - The door won't shut.
- How about the chain?Copy !req
937. - We could break it.
- If we take it off, he'll escape.Copy !req
938. I got an idea.
Let's put it in the trunk.Copy !req
939. Yeah, that'll work.Copy !req
940. Who's smart now?Copy !req
941. Let's bring out our criminal.Copy !req
942. He tried to ruin the country
by pouring toilet water on crops.Copy !req
943. He cost millions of people
their jobs.Copy !req
944. Let's get ready
to rehabilitate Not Sure!Copy !req
945. I never would've guessed
this is how I was gonna die.Copy !req
946. Are you ready
for some car-on-car action?Copy !req
947. Yes.Copy !req
948. I can't watch this.Copy !req
949. This is gonna be so sad.
I hope I don't cry.Copy !req
950. Holy shit.Copy !req
951. Frito, come here. Look!Copy !req
952. He was right.
The water, it worked.Copy !req
953. Frito, can you get me over there?Copy !req
954. Yes.Copy !req
955. No, you fucking moron.
To the rehabilitation place.Copy !req
956. - Oh, this way. Yeah.
- Yeah.Copy !req
957. Come on, Frito, hurry.Copy !req
958. And now, the dude that everybody
came here to see.Copy !req
959. The only undefeated officer
ever in history.Copy !req
960. Coming out of retirement
just to pound Not Sure's ass...Copy !req
961. driving the biggest,
hugest correctional vehicle...Copy !req
962. ever built in history.Copy !req
963. Bigger than the Dildozer,
bigger than the Ass Blaster...Copy !req
964. bigger and huger than everything
ever before in history.Copy !req
965. The brand-new Assdozer!Copy !req
966. Give it up for Beef Supreme!Copy !req
967. Oh, shit.
I think it was too big, huh?Copy !req
968. We seem to be experimenting...Copy !req
969. some techmological
differences, so... Shit.Copy !req
970. Frito, look.Copy !req
971. It's working everywhere.Copy !req
972. Oh, shit, that's a big pile of rocks.Copy !req
973. Kind of reminds me
of this one time that I was...Copy !req
974. - Hey! Get this shit started.
- Oh, okay.Copy !req
975. We're gonna start
without Beef Supreme.Copy !req
976. Let the rehabilitation begin!Copy !req
977. Oh, shit.Copy !req
978. Come on, come on. Come on.Copy !req
979. Come on, Frito, hurry.Copy !req
980. Goddamn it.Copy !req
981. Yeah!Copy !req
982. Jesus, that was clo...Copy !req
983. Mr. President. Mr. President,
I need to talk to you!Copy !req
984. You gotta stop this thing.
He was right about the water.Copy !req
985. We passed some crops
on the way here. They're growing.Copy !req
986. I didn't see no crops.Copy !req
987. Okay, they're circling around.
Circling around.Copy !req
988. They're gonna do
the Malachi Crunch on him.Copy !req
989. This is an illegal move, okay?
So don't tell nobody.Copy !req
990. So the winner is...Copy !req
991. - You gotta be shitting me.
- Did he win?Copy !req
992. Look.Copy !req
993. Holy shit. It's Beef Supreme.Copy !req
994. Beef Supreme! Yeah! Yeah!Copy !req
995. Hey, Frito.Copy !req
996. You remember those crops we saw
off the road right by the Starbucks?Copy !req
997. Hey.Copy !req
998. - You wanna make some money?
- I like money.Copy !req
999. Hey, the main screen
is malfunctioning...Copy !req
1000. and they gonna
need you outside immediately.Copy !req
1001. There's a bunch of whores
in the hallway.Copy !req
1002. Come on, Frito. Hurry.Copy !req
1003. I can't believe you like money too.Copy !req
1004. - We should hang out.
- Totally.Copy !req
1005. He's behind the truck.Copy !req
1006. No, no!Copy !req
1007. - Yeah! Yeah!
- Oh, over there.Copy !req
1008. No!Copy !req
1009. - He's over there!
- Behind the fucking truck!Copy !req
1010. Behind the truck, stupid.Copy !req
1011. Look.Copy !req
1012. Shit, that's a good deal.Copy !req
1013. Extra foam.Copy !req
1014. I got a bunch of money too.Copy !req
1015. Forgot what it was for.Copy !req
1016. Do you think it was for lattes?Copy !req
1017. Yeah, probably.Copy !req
1018. So you like money and sex?
You're tripping me out.Copy !req
1019. What the fuck?Copy !req
1020. - Yeah!
- There!Copy !req
1021. Hold on, okay?
Everyone just take it easy, okay?Copy !req
1022. Can I just say something here?Copy !req
1023. I don't even know
what I'm guilty of here.Copy !req
1024. I never said that I was
the smartest person on Earth.Copy !req
1025. You people did.Copy !req
1026. I didn't know that you'd lose
your jobs and all your money...Copy !req
1027. and I'm very sorry that
that happened.Copy !req
1028. But I'm telling you if you put water
on the crops, it might actually...Copy !req
1029. No, it will work, I promise you.Copy !req
1030. You just have to believe me.Copy !req
1031. I just wanted to help you, that's all.Copy !req
1032. So you can try and shoot me.Copy !req
1033. You can try and run me over.
Whatever.Copy !req
1034. But I just want you to ask yourselves
one question first:Copy !req
1035. Do you really wanna
live in a world...Copy !req
1036. where you try to blow up the one
person that's trying to help you?Copy !req
1037. Hold on, just hold on.Copy !req
1038. Oh, man, that was great.Copy !req
1039. Hey, was I wearing pants
when we went in there?Copy !req
1040. Shit, what do I look like,
a pants goblin?Copy !req
1041. Wait, this reminds me
of something.Copy !req
1042. "Rehabila..."
"Rehabilation"?Copy !req
1043. Why you keep trying to read
that word? You a fag?Copy !req
1044. I'll fag your face.Copy !req
1045. - Come on, Frito.
- Yeah, I don't think so.Copy !req
1046. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
1047. This guy just got his ass
a pardon.Copy !req
1048. Yeah!Copy !req
1049. Man, Rita. I mean,
I don't know what to say.Copy !req
1050. You saved my life. No one's
ever done anything like that for me.Copy !req
1051. Yeah, well... You know, you were
looking out for the whole world...Copy !req
1052. so, you know, I thought someone
should look out for you too.Copy !req
1053. Thanks.Copy !req
1054. I can't believe
I'm even saying this...Copy !req
1055. but even though
these people tried to kill me...Copy !req
1056. I think I'm actually gonna miss them.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1057. Frito, he's gonna give us a ride back
to the time machine. I just...Copy !req
1058. I hope he's okay to drive.Copy !req
1059. It's you. Oh, man,
I really love your show.Copy !req
1060. Thank you so much.Copy !req
1061. Joe, I'm not going.Copy !req
1062. What?Copy !req
1063. I had some bad habits back there
that I don't wanna fall into again.Copy !req
1064. Maybe it's time I got a new start.Copy !req
1065. Besides, they offered me
a pretty good job at Starbucks here.Copy !req
1066. I'm gonna be a CEO.Copy !req
1067. - At Starbucks?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1068. Yeah? You're still
gonna paint though, right?Copy !req
1069. Yeah, sure.Copy !req
1070. I guess this is goodbye, then.Copy !req
1071. All right. Hey, hey.Copy !req
1072. Hey, I got a couple
presidential decrees to make.Copy !req
1073. Not Sure, get your ass up here,
wherever you is.Copy !req
1074. Let me get that little peanut head
up in here.Copy !req
1075. I have decided to make this man...Copy !req
1076. The man who solved
all our problems.Copy !req
1077. I have decided to make him
my new vice president.Copy !req
1078. Mr. President, well, thanks,
that's real cool of you, sir...Copy !req
1079. but I can't accept it, sir.Copy !req
1080. What? Why?Copy !req
1081. - Well, you know, I gotta get home.
- But we still got all these problems.Copy !req
1082. Look, you're just gonna have
to solve them yourselves.Copy !req
1083. - How?
- You know, think about it.Copy !req
1084. You're just gonna have to figure it out.
Like we did with the crops.Copy !req
1085. How are we gonna figure out
about the garbage ambulanches...Copy !req
1086. and the ecomony?Copy !req
1087. And what about the nuc...
Nuclear reactor in Florida?Copy !req
1088. It's broke and leaking,
or something's happening.Copy !req
1089. I thought it was in Georgia.Copy !req
1090. Georgia's in Florida, dumb-ass.Copy !req
1091. Hey, hey, I know.
Let's put toilet water on it.Copy !req
1092. - Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea.Copy !req
1093. - Like we did on the crops.
- Come on, vato.Copy !req
1094. Hey, you can't leave.Copy !req
1095. Whatever happened to all that:Copy !req
1096. "Lead, follow, get out of the way"
shit, huh?Copy !req
1097. I guess I just can't get out
of the way anymore, can I?Copy !req
1098. You know what?
Forget about the time machine.Copy !req
1099. Yeah!Copy !req
1100. That ride sucks anyways.Copy !req
1101. Ride?Copy !req
1102. Welcome to The Time Masheen.
We are going to take you back.Copy !req
1103. First, to the year 1939,
when Charlie Chaplin...Copy !req
1104. and his evil Nazi regime
enslaved Europe...Copy !req
1105. and tried to take over the world.Copy !req
1106. So you knew this thing
was just a ride the whole time?Copy !req
1107. Yeah. You thought you could
really travel through time, huh?Copy !req
1108. - Yeah, I guess I did.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1109. For the smartest guy in the world,
you're pretty dumb sometimes.Copy !req
1110. - So why didn't you tell us?
- Because I like money.Copy !req
1111. I'm sorry.Copy !req
1112. But if it's not a real time machine,
there wouldn't have been any money.Copy !req
1113. You know, because I can't go back
in time and open a savings account.Copy !req
1114. But...Copy !req
1115. Because...Copy !req
1116. Don't worry about it. It's okay.Copy !req
1117. Well, I guess we're stuck here.Copy !req
1118. But then, an even greater
force emerged, the U.N.Copy !req
1119. And the U.N.
Un-Nazied the world forever.Copy !req
1120. And so, after serving a short term
as vice president...Copy !req
1121. Joe was elected the president
of America.Copy !req
1122. Frito became vice president...Copy !req
1123. and Rita, the former prostitute,
became first lady.Copy !req
1124. Today, I step into the shoes
of a great man, a man by the name...Copy !req
1125. of Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew
Herbert Camacho.Copy !req
1126. Under President Not Sure's leadership,
a new era dawned.Copy !req
1127. You know, there was a time
in this country...Copy !req
1128. when smart people
were considered cool.Copy !req
1129. Well, maybe not cool,
but smart people did things...Copy !req
1130. like build ships and pyramids,
and they even went to the moon.Copy !req
1131. And there was a time in this country,
a long time ago...Copy !req
1132. when reading wasn't just for fags
and neither was writing.Copy !req
1133. People wrote books and movies,
movies that had stories...Copy !req
1134. so you cared whose ass it was
and why it was farting...Copy !req
1135. and I believe that time
can come again.Copy !req
1136. Not Sure, Not Sure, Not Sure.Copy !req
1137. Not Sure, Not Sure, Not Sure.Copy !req
1138. Joe and Rita had three children,
the three smartest kids in the world.Copy !req
1139. Vice President Frito took eight wives
and had a total of 32 kids...Copy !req
1140. 32 of the dumbest kids
ever to walk the earth.Copy !req
1141. Okay, so maybe Joe
didn't save mankind...Copy !req
1142. but he got the ball rolling.
And that's pretty good...Copy !req
1143. for an average guy.Copy !req
1144. I'm gonna find this ho.Copy !req