1. As the 21st century began...Copy !req
2. human evolution was at a turning point.Copy !req
3. Natural selection, the process by which
the strongest, the smartest...Copy !req
4. the fastest reproduced
in greater numbers than the rest...Copy !req
5. a process which had once
favored the noblest traits of man...Copy !req
6. now began to favor different traits.Copy !req
7. The Joey Buttafuoco case...Copy !req
8. Most science fiction of the day
predicted a future that was more civilized...Copy !req
9. and more intelligent.Copy !req
10. But as time went on, things seemed
to be heading in the opposite direction.Copy !req
11. A dumbing down.Copy !req
12. How did this happen?Copy !req
13. Evolution does not necessarily
reward intelligence.Copy !req
14. With no natural predators to thin the herd...Copy !req
15. it began to simply reward those
who reproduced the most...Copy !req
16. and left the intelligent
to become an endangered species.Copy !req
17. Having kids is such an important decision.Copy !req
18. We're just waiting for the right time.Copy !req
19. It's not something you want
to rush into, obviously.Copy !req
20. No way.Copy !req
21. Oh, shit, I'm pregnant again!Copy !req
22. Shit! I got too many damn kids!Copy !req
23. - I thought you was on the pill or some shit!
- Hell, no!Copy !req
24. Shit! I must've been thinkin' of Brittany.Copy !req
25. Brittany? No, you didn't!Copy !req
26. - There's no way we could have a child now.
- Mm-mm.Copy !req
27. Not with the market the way it is, no.Copy !req
28. God, no. That just wouldn't make any sense.Copy !req
29. Come on over here, bitch!
He don't care about you!Copy !req
30. Yeah? Well, there must be
somethin' he likes over here.Copy !req
31. - She don't mean nothin' to me, baby!
- Clevon!Copy !req
32. Oh, shit. It wasn't me! It wasn't me!Copy !req
33. Well, we finally decided to have children...Copy !req
34. and I'm not pointing fingers,
but it's not going well.Copy !req
35. And this is helping.Copy !req
36. I'm just saying that before I have in vitro,
maybe you should be willing to...Copy !req
37. It's always me, right?Copy !req
38. Well, it's not my sperm count.Copy !req
39. Yeah! Yeah! I'm gonna fuck all y'all!Copy !req
40. That's my boy!Copy !req
41. Whoo! Whoo!Copy !req
42. Clevon is lucky to be alive.Copy !req
43. He attempted to jump a Jet Ski from a lake...Copy !req
44. into a swimming pool
and impaled his crotch on an iron gate.Copy !req
45. But thanks to recent advances
in stem cell research...Copy !req
46. and the fine work of Doctors Krinski
and Altschuler...Copy !req
47. Clevon should regain full reproductive function.Copy !req
48. Get your hands off my junk!Copy !req
49. Unfortunately, Trevor passed away
from a heart attack...Copy !req
50. while masturbating...Copy !req
51. to produce sperm for artificial insemination.Copy !req
52. But I have some eggs frozen...Copy !req
53. so just as soon as the right guy
comes along, you know...Copy !req
54. And so it went for generations...Copy !req
55. although few, if any, seemed to notice.Copy !req
56. But in the year 2005, in a military base
just outside of Washington, D.C...Copy !req
57. a simple army librarian was unknowingly...Copy !req
58. about to change the entire course
of human history.Copy !req
59. Come on, asshole! Go on! Take him to jail!Copy !req
60. Hey, Bauers.Copy !req
61. This is Peterson, your new replacement.Copy !req
62. - My what? I'm gettin' replaced?
- Yeah, they didn't tell you?Copy !req
63. - No.
- Some new assignment.Copy !req
64. They're being all weird and hush-hush about it.Copy !req
65. I don't want a new assignment.
I tell Sergeant Metsler that every time.Copy !req
66. - I'm good at this.
- Good at what? Sittin' on ass?Copy !req
67. No one ever comes in here.Copy !req
68. Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me.
No one bothers me. I can't screw up.Copy !req
69. If I can just stay in here another eight years,
I get my pension.Copy !req
70. I'm all set. Can you just get me out of this?Copy !req
71. No way. Not this time. It's coming from high up.Copy !req
72. Jesus. I don't understand. Why me?Copy !req
73. Every time Metsler says, "Lead, follow,
or get out of the way," I get out of the way.Copy !req
74. When he says that, you're not supposed
to choose "get out of the way."Copy !req
75. It's supposed to embarrass you
into leading or at least following.Copy !req
76. That doesn't embarrass me.Copy !req
77. Look, Joe. You don't have a choice.Copy !req
78. You're just gonna have to follow.Copy !req
79. Like, follow me upstairs, like, now.Copy !req
80. Right now? Shouldn't I train this guy?Copy !req
81. I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass
and watch TV all day. Let's go.Copy !req
82. Gentlemen, meet Joe Bauers...Copy !req
83. our first subject for the Human
Hibernation Experiment.Copy !req
84. Now, as you know, throughout the years...Copy !req
85. many of our best pilots,
soldiers and military leaders...Copy !req
86. often go their entire careers
without ever seeing battle.Copy !req
87. With the Human Hibernation Project,
we will be able to save our best men...Copy !req
88. frozen in their prime,
for use when they are needed most.Copy !req
89. Joe, here, is not one of our best men.Copy !req
90. Mr. Bauers was chosen primarily
for how remarkably average he is.Copy !req
91. Extremely average in every
category. Remarkable, truly.Copy !req
92. The most average person
in our entire armed forces.Copy !req
93. Additionally, he has no family, is unmarried...Copy !req
94. is an only child,
and both parents are deceased...Copy !req
95. making him an ideal candidate,
with no one to ask any nosy questions...Copy !req
96. should something go wrong with the experiment.Copy !req
97. We had a little less luck in finding a female
researcher's dream within our ranks...Copy !req
98. and were forced to look into the private sector.Copy !req
99. This is Rita. Like Joe,
she has no immediate family.Copy !req
100. Rita agreed to participate in this experiment...Copy !req
101. in exchange for dropping
of certain criminal charges and a small fee.Copy !req
102. We did, however, have to come
to an arrangement with her pimp...Copy !req
103. a gentleman who goes by the name
Upgrayedd, which he spells thusly...Copy !req
104. With two D's, as he says,
for a double dose of this pimping.Copy !req
105. Upgrayedd agreed
to loan us Rita for exactly one year...Copy !req
106. and keep quiet on the matter,
in exchange for certain leeways...Copy !req
107. with the local authorities
in running his pimp game.Copy !req
108. First, however, there was
the difficult challenge of gaining his trust.Copy !req
109. Collins, could we skip to the technicals, please?Copy !req
110. Sure. Let me just finish here.Copy !req
111. You see, a pimp's love is very different
from that of a square.Copy !req
112. Collins!Copy !req
113. Fine. We'll move on.Copy !req
114. It is a fascinating world though.Copy !req
115. Jesus, Collins.Copy !req
116. Yeah, that's...Copy !req
117. Anyway, the experiment
in which these two subjects...Copy !req
118. are to be placed into a dry freeze...Copy !req
119. for exactly one year is set to begin tomorrow.Copy !req
120. As you know, this is highly classified.Copy !req
121. However, if successful, we believe humans
can be stored indefinitely.Copy !req
122. So this is kinda crazy, huh?Copy !req
123. - What unit are you with?
- Oh, I ain't in the service.Copy !req
124. Oh, private sector. Okay.Copy !req
125. - So, uh, what do you do?
- A little of this, a little of that.Copy !req
126. Wow, that's great.Copy !req
127. You know, I really envy people
that can make a living that way...Copy !req
128. Doing a little of this and a little of that.Copy !req
129. I, uh, had a neighbor, Glen.
He used to make chainsaw sculptures...Copy !req
130. and then he'd sell 'em at the flea market.Copy !req
131. Yeah.Copy !req
132. So, uh, you an artist or somethin'?Copy !req
133. - Uh, yeah.
- You do paintings or...Copy !req
134. - Yeah, paintings.
- Okay, great.Copy !req
135. - Mm-hmm.
- What do you paint mostly?Copy !req
136. I don't know, just... people and fruit and shit.Copy !req
137. Wow. Well, must be great to be able
to make a living doing something you love.Copy !req
138. Yeah. It's not all it's cracked up to be.Copy !req
139. Who wants to go first?Copy !req
140. Me.Copy !req
141. What the f... Oh, hell, no. Uh-uh.Copy !req
142. Hey, no. You probably don't want to do that
with the I.V.s attached and all.Copy !req
143. What's the matter? - Man, Upgrayedd
didn't tell me they'd be putting me...Copy !req
144. in no damn coffin with tubes and shit!Copy !req
145. Oh, no, don't worry about it.
It'll be safe. Trust me.Copy !req
146. Who's Upgrayedd?Copy !req
147. He's my boyfriend.Copy !req
148. Man, how do you know this shit's safe?Copy !req
149. These guys know what they're doing. Don't worry.Copy !req
150. They've tested it on dogs and everything.Copy !req
151. What happens is, the drugs will kick in,
we drift off to sleep...Copy !req
152. we wake up in a year, you'll be paintin' again.Copy !req
153. - It'll be fine.
- All right.Copy !req
154. Upgrayedd. That's an interesting name.
Is he Dutch?Copy !req
155. See, 'cause I knew this,
uh, Dutch exchange student.Copy !req
156. His name was Untgrad.Copy !req
157. Okay, my niggas, we're almost set here.Copy !req
158. Just go ahead and lie down. Relax.Copy !req
159. See you in a year.Copy !req
160. The Human Hibernation Project...Copy !req
161. was one of the army's most
ambitious experiments...Copy !req
162. and one of its most secretive.Copy !req
163. But it was not immune from human error.Copy !req
164. Freeze!Copy !req
165. Soon after Collins's arrest
and the massive scandal that followed...Copy !req
166. the base was closed.Copy !req
167. It hadn't even been a year,
and the entire project was simply forgotten.Copy !req
168. Things looked bleak for Joe,
but they were even worse for mankind.Copy !req
169. As Joe and Rita lay dormant, the years passed...Copy !req
170. and mankind became stupider
at a frightening rate.Copy !req
171. Some had high hopes that genetic engineering...Copy !req
172. would correct this trend in evolution.Copy !req
173. But sadly, the greatest minds and resources...Copy !req
174. were focused on conquering hair loss
and prolonging erections.Copy !req
175. Meanwhile, the population exploded,
and intelligence continued to decline...Copy !req
176. until humanity was incapable
of solving even its most basic problems.Copy !req
177. Like garbage, which had been stacked
for centuries with no plan whatsoever...Copy !req
178. leading to the Great Garbage Avalanche of 2505...Copy !req
179. which would set in motion the events
that would change the world forever.Copy !req
180. - Hold on.
- Next, on The Violence Channel...Copy !req
181. an all-new Ow! My Balls!Copy !req
182. All right.Copy !req
183. That guy got hit in the balls.Copy !req
184. Ow, my balls!Copy !req
185. Huh?Copy !req
186. - Where's...
- Hold on. Shut up!Copy !req
187. - Where's Officer Collins?
- Shut up!Copy !req
188. Next week on Ow! My Balls! Hormel goes to Paris!Copy !req
189. - Are we on base?
- I'm gonna base your ass on my fist.Copy !req
190. In your face, ass! Shut up.Copy !req
191. I'm sorry. It's just... Where am I?Copy !req
192. Shut up! I told you already!Copy !req
193. Yeah! Wouldn't shut up!Copy !req
194. Come in here and not shut up.Copy !req
195. Yeah, you were like,
"I'm not shuttin' up," and I was like...Copy !req
196. Unaware of what year it was...Copy !req
197. Joe wandered the streets, desperate for help.Copy !req
198. But the English language had deteriorated...Copy !req
199. into a hybrid of hillbilly, valley girl,
inner-city slang and various grunts.Copy !req
200. Joe was able to understand them...Copy !req
201. but when he spoke in an ordinary voice...Copy !req
202. he sounded pompous and faggy to them.Copy !req
203. Paging Doc...Copy !req
204. Report to, uh...Copy !req
205. Dr. Lueboo...Copy !req
206. uh, report.Copy !req
207. Your floor-Your floor is now clean.Copy !req
208. Your floor... Your floor is now clean.Copy !req
209. Your floor... Your floor is now clean.Copy !req
210. Hi, uh, I was in an army experiment,
and I'm not feeling so well.Copy !req
211. I think it might have been
the drugs they had me on.Copy !req
212. I've been hallucinating.Copy !req
213. My head is just killin' me.Copy !req
214. My-My-My joints are all achy and I...Copy !req
215. Is this a hospital or...Copy !req
216. Actually, I don't even know where I am.Copy !req
217. Please proceed
to the diagnostic area on the right...Copy !req
218. - and have a healthy day!
- Oh. Thanks.Copy !req
219. Thank you!Copy !req
220. Uh, 'scuse me. I think this
might be Gatorade or somethin'.Copy !req
221. - I was just looking for some regular water.
- Water?Copy !req
222. - Yeah.
- You mean like in the toilet? What for?Copy !req
223. You know, just to drink.Copy !req
224. You've got hepatitis!Copy !req
225. Oh, is someone not feeling well?Copy !req
226. Your illness is very important to us.Copy !req
227. Next. - Welcome to the Healthmaster Inferno...Copy !req
228. - powered by Jormi Technology.
- Uh, this goes in your mouth.Copy !req
229. This one goes in your ear.
And this one goes in your butt.Copy !req
230. Come on.Copy !req
231. - Hurry up, asshole!
- Come on!Copy !req
232. Shit. Hang on a second.Copy !req
233. This one... No.Copy !req
234. - Hey, come on.
- Uh...Copy !req
235. - Hurry up!
- This one. This one goes in your mouth.Copy !req
236. Come on!Copy !req
237. Thank you for waiting.
Dr. Lexus will be with you shortly.Copy !req
238. That's a weird misprint.Copy !req
239. Hey. How's it hang, ese?Copy !req
240. Yeah. Right. Well, not so good, you know.Copy !req
241. I don't really know what's going on,
but I'm seein' things.Copy !req
242. I think it might be because of
these drugs the army put me on.Copy !req
243. But, if you could, uh, just get me
well enough to get back to base...Copy !req
244. Right. Kick ass.Copy !req
245. Well, don't wanna sound like a dick or nothin'...Copy !req
246. but, uh, it says on your chart
that you're fucked up.Copy !req
247. You talk like a fag,
and your shit's all retarded.Copy !req
248. What I'd do is just like, like, you know...Copy !req
249. like, you know what I mean? Like...Copy !req
250. - No, I'm serious here.
- Don't worry, scrot.Copy !req
251. Now there are plenty of 'tards
out there living really kick-ass lives.Copy !req
252. My first wife was 'tarded. She's a pilot now.Copy !req
253. I need for you to be serious
for a second here, okay? I need help.Copy !req
254. There's that fag talk we talked about.Copy !req
255. All right, so that'll be... this many dollars.Copy !req
256. And if you could just go ahead and,
like, put your tattoo in that shit.Copy !req
257. That's weird. This thing has the same
misprint as that magazine.Copy !req
258. - What are the odds of...
- Where's your tattoo? Tattoo?Copy !req
259. Why don't you have this?Copy !req
260. Oh, God.Copy !req
261. - Where's your tattoo?
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
262. Why come you don't have a tattoo?Copy !req
263. - Oh, my God!
- You're not unscannable, are you?Copy !req
264. Oh, my God!Copy !req
265. You're unscannable.Copy !req
266. - Unscannable!
- No! No, you don't understand!Copy !req
267. You gotta let me talk
to someone in the army! Wait a second.Copy !req
268. They're all dead. Everybody I know's dead!Copy !req
269. Oh, my God! Oh!Copy !req
270. - No! Stop! Calm down!
- Calm down! Calm down!Copy !req
271. - How'd this happen?
- How did it happen?Copy !req
272. Your floor is now clean.Copy !req
273. Your floor is now clean.Copy !req
274. Joe had awakened to a world in crisis.Copy !req
275. The economy was in a state of deep neglect.Copy !req
276. A great dust bowl had ravaged food supplies.Copy !req
277. And the number one movie
in the country was called Ass.Copy !req
278. And that's all it was for 90 minutes.Copy !req
279. It won eight Oscars that year,
including best screenplay.Copy !req
280. Enjoy your Extra Big-Ass Fries.Copy !req
281. You didn't gimme no fries. I got an empty box.Copy !req
282. Would you like another Extra Big-Ass Fries?Copy !req
283. I said I didn't get any.Copy !req
284. Thank you. Your account has been charged.Copy !req
285. Your balance is zero.Copy !req
286. What? Oh, no. No! - Please come back
when you can afford to make a purchase.Copy !req
287. I'm sorry you're having trouble.Copy !req
288. - Come on! My kids are starvin'.
- I'm sorry you're having trouble.Copy !req
289. This should help you calm down.Copy !req
290. Please come back when you
can afford to make a purchase.Copy !req
291. Your kids are starving. Carl's Jr. Believes
no child should go hungry.Copy !req
292. You are an unfit mother. Your children
will be placed in the custody of Carl's Jr.Copy !req
293. Carl's Jr. "Fuck you. I'm eating."Copy !req
294. Welcome to Carl's Jr.Copy !req
295. Would you like to try our Extra Big-Ass Taco...Copy !req
296. now with more molecules?Copy !req
297. Hey! Is this particular
individual the unfit mother?Copy !req
298. - Me? No.
- Okay. This particular individual is unscannable.Copy !req
299. Listen, I can explain, okay?
I was in an army experiment.Copy !req
300. Wait a second. There's the other pod
from the army experiment.Copy !req
301. There was a girl.
She was from the same experiment.Copy !req
302. Yeah, that's enough of your bullshit, sir.Copy !req
303. Joe was arrested for not
paying his hospital bill...Copy !req
304. and not having his U.P.C. tattoo.Copy !req
305. He would soon discover that
in the future, justice was not only blind...Copy !req
306. but had become rather retarded as well.Copy !req
307. You shut up! Now...Copy !req
308. I'm fixin' to commensurate this trial here.Copy !req
309. We gonna see if we can't
come up with a verdict up in here.Copy !req
310. Now, since y'all say you ain't got no money...Copy !req
311. we have "proprietarily" obtained for you...Copy !req
312. one of them court-appointed lawyers.Copy !req
313. So, put your hands together
and give it up for Frito Pendejo.Copy !req
314. You're my lawyer?Copy !req
315. Says here you, uh, robbed a hospital?Copy !req
316. - Why'd you do that?
- Yeah. I'm not guilty.Copy !req
317. - That's not what the other lawyer said.
- What do you mean what the...Copy !req
318. Listen, you gotta get me on the stand, okay?Copy !req
319. I can explain everything. We can take 'em
to your house, show 'em the pod.Copy !req
320. Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!Copy !req
321. Now, prosecutor, why you think he done it?Copy !req
322. Okay, number one, Your Honor, just look at him.Copy !req
323. He talks like a fag too.Copy !req
324. And "B," we've got all this, like, evidence...Copy !req
325. of how, like, this guy didn't
even pay at the hospital.Copy !req
326. And I heard that he doesn't even have his tattoo.Copy !req
327. I know!Copy !req
328. And I'm all, "You've gotta be shittin' me."
But check this out, man.Copy !req
329. Judge should be like, "Guilty." Peace.Copy !req
330. - Objection!
- What are you objectifyin' on?Copy !req
331. - Come on. Just get me on the stand.
- Okay.Copy !req
332. - Um, Your Honor?
- Hmm?Copy !req
333. I object...Copy !req
334. that this guy also broke my apartment to shit.Copy !req
335. - Yeah.
- What?Copy !req
336. And you know what else? I object that
he's not gonna have any money to pay me...Copy !req
337. after he pays back all the money
he stole from the hospital!Copy !req
338. Don't say I stole. You're my lawyer.Copy !req
339. And I object.Copy !req
340. I object that he interrupted me
while I was watching Ow! My Balls!Copy !req
341. That is not okay! And I rest my case!Copy !req
342. Your Honor, I'm pretty sure
we have a mistrial here, sir.Copy !req
343. I'm gonna mistrial my foot up
your ass, you don't shut up.Copy !req
344. - Please, listen.
- "Please, listen."Copy !req
345. I didn't steal anything.Copy !req
346. I was part of an army experiment...Copy !req
347. Joe stated his case logically and passionately...Copy !req
348. but his perceived effeminate voice
only drew big gales of stupid laughter.Copy !req
349. Guilty!Copy !req
350. Without adequate legal representation,
Joe was given a stiff sentence.Copy !req
351. Meanwhile, Rita had awakened
to find that the world's oldest profession...Copy !req
352. was a lot easier when the world
is populated by morons.Copy !req
353. Was a lot easier when the world
is populated by morons.Copy !req
354. Welcome to AOL, Time Warner,
Taco Bell, U.S. Government long distance.Copy !req
355. Please say the name
of the person you wish to call.Copy !req
356. Upgrayedd.Copy !req
357. There are 9,726 listings for Upgrayedd.Copy !req
358. Please deposit $2,000 to begin connection.Copy !req
359. - Man, what?
- Oh, yeah, baby.Copy !req
360. Hey, look, can you just...
Can you wait a second, please?Copy !req
361. Oh, yeah, baby. I can wait so good.Copy !req
362. Really?Copy !req
363. Think, uh-You think maybe you could wait a day?Copy !req
364. Baby, I can wait two days.Copy !req
365. Huh. That's good, 'cause I charge by the hour.Copy !req
366. Oh, yeah? Well, you gonna be glad
you waited, baby.Copy !req
367. Thank you very much, young man.Copy !req
368. What the fuck?Copy !req
369. Goddamn, shit's changed in a year.Copy !req
370. What are we doin' here?Copy !req
371. Okay, sir, we're engaged
in procuring your tattoo.Copy !req
372. Welcome to
the Identity Processing Program of America.Copy !req
373. Please insert your forearm
into the forearm receptacle.Copy !req
374. Thank you.Copy !req
375. Please speak your name as it appears
on your current federal identity card...Copy !req
376. - Document number G24L8.
- I'm not sure if...Copy !req
377. You have entered the name "Not Sure."
Is this correct, Not Sure?Copy !req
378. No, it's not correct.Copy !req
379. Thank you. "Not" is correct. Is "Sure" correct?Copy !req
380. No, it's not. My name is Joe...Copy !req
381. You've already confirmed your first name is Not.Copy !req
382. - Please confirm your last name, "Sure."
- My...Copy !req
383. My last name is not Sure.Copy !req
384. - Thank you, Not Sure.
- No. What I mean is my name is Joe.Copy !req
385. Confirmation is complete. Please wait
while I tattoo your new identity on your arm.Copy !req
386. Wait a second. Can we start over?
Can I cancel this?Copy !req
387. Can we cancel this and just go back
to the beginning?Copy !req
388. They're gonna tat...
Ow. Could I speak to your supervisor?Copy !req
389. - Ow!
- Please hold still for your photograph.Copy !req
390. Oh, that's fuckin' great.Copy !req
391. Okay, sir...Copy !req
392. now we will begin to proceed
to obtain your I.Q. and "apitude" tests.Copy !req
393. What for?Copy !req
394. Okay, sir, this is to figure out
what your "aptude's" good at...Copy !req
395. and get you a jail job while
you're being a particular individual in jail.Copy !req
396. If you have one bucket that holds two gallons...Copy !req
397. and another bucket that holds five gallons...Copy !req
398. how many buckets do you have?Copy !req
399. Two?Copy !req
400. Thank you.Copy !req
401. 'Too.Copy !req
402. Desperate and scared...Copy !req
403. Joe used his superior intelligence...Copy !req
404. to come up with the best
escape plan he could think of.Copy !req
405. Hi. Excuse me. I'm actually supposed
to be getting out of prison today, sir.Copy !req
406. Yeah.Copy !req
407. You're in the wrong line, dumb ass. Over there.Copy !req
408. I'm sorry. I am being a big dumb ass. Sorry.Copy !req
409. Hey, uh, let this dumb ass through.Copy !req
410. - 'Too.
- Yeah. Got it.Copy !req
411. Uh, yeah, I don't see you in here.
So, you're gonna have to, uh, stay in prison.Copy !req
412. Could you check again?Copy !req
413. 'Cause, I was, you know...
I was definitely in prison, okay?Copy !req
414. I got sat on my face and everything.
Maybe check those files back there?Copy !req
415. "Excape."Excape."Copy !req
416. "Excape."Excape."Copy !req
417. "Excape."Excape."Copy !req
418. The Masturbation Network.Copy !req
419. Keepin' America 'batin' for 300 years.Copy !req
420. And now, Sweet Bang Tube.Copy !req
421. Oh, yeah, give me some. Cut me a piece.Copy !req
422. Oh, yeah, that's...Copy !req
423. Go away! 'Batin'!Copy !req
424. Damn it.Copy !req
425. All right.Copy !req
426. Hey. Hey, get out of here. Hey, get out of here!Copy !req
427. No, wait, listen. You let me,
an innocent man, get thrown in jail.Copy !req
428. So? Shut up, 'cause you broke my house.Copy !req
429. Hey, I could have you disbarred...
Disbarred... for what you did to me.Copy !req
430. Then maybe you'd go to jail
for not havin' any money.Copy !req
431. Oh, really?Copy !req
432. Yeah, really. Now, look. Okay, here's the deal.Copy !req
433. I've been thinking. It's been 500 years.Copy !req
434. Someone has to have invented a way
to travel back in time by now.Copy !req
435. You know, I think they were pretty close
even in my day. You know?Copy !req
436. - With Einstein and guys like that?
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
437. - You know, scientists? You know?
- Uh.Copy !req
438. A time machine, for time travel.Copy !req
439. - Do they have one?
- What?Copy !req
440. Jesus. I knew that was too much to hope for.Copy !req
441. No, no, they got a time machine.Copy !req
442. - They do?
- Yeah.Copy !req
443. - Are-Are-Are you sure?
- Yeah.Copy !req
444. - Can it get me back to 2005?
- Oh, yeah, but it's, like, really expensive.Copy !req
445. And it breaks all the time 'cause
some smart guy made it a long time ago.Copy !req
446. I don't care. Just get me there, okay?Copy !req
447. - Well...
- Please!Copy !req
448. Listen, I... I... I "supersize" with you...Copy !req
449. but didn't you go to jail
for not havin' enough money?Copy !req
450. Okay, how about this? You get me
to the time machine, and when I get back...Copy !req
451. I open a savings account in your name.Copy !req
452. That way, 500 years later,
it'll be worth billions.Copy !req
453. - Billions!
- 'Cause?Copy !req
454. 'Cause of the interest,
it'll be worth billions of dollars.Copy !req
455. - Oh, I... I like money.
- Yeah.Copy !req
456. - How many billions?
- Like, 10.Copy !req
457. Yeah, suck one. Time machine costs, like, 20.Copy !req
458. Yeah? Okay. Uh, 30, Frito.Copy !req
459. Thirty billion dollars.Copy !req
460. Thirty billion. So if you gave me 30 billion...Copy !req
461. and the time machine's 20...Copy !req
462. What's the minus of 30 and 20?Copy !req
463. Uh, it's, uh... It's 80, Frito.Copy !req
464. It's $80 billion.
That's a mighty big minus, isn't it?Copy !req
465. - Yeah. I like money though.
- Police! Open the door!Copy !req
466. We're looking for an "excaped" individual.Copy !req
467. - This particular individual's name is Not Sure.
- Eighty billion.Copy !req
468. Oh, um, he... He's... somewhere else.Copy !req
469. You got something I can wear? - Yeah. There's
Pro-Wear on the top, assorted in the middle.Copy !req
470. A Coke machine in the vicinity caught his tattoo.Copy !req
471. Seemed to be heading
for this particular "domistile."Copy !req
472. Okay, sir, we're comin' in.Copy !req
473. - No, you can't come in.
- Can too!Copy !req
474. - Come on!
- All right, let's go get my billions.Copy !req
475. Oh, okay, one more thing. We gotta go find
this girl, Rita, first, okay?Copy !req
476. - Is she bangin'?
- Yeah, sure, she is.Copy !req
477. That wasn't really part of the deal.Copy !req
478. Okay, I'll, uh, throw in another couple
billion, all right? - I like money.Copy !req
479. Okay, her pod's up here on the right.
She shouldn't be far away, I hope.Copy !req
480. Mmm, girl. Oh, yeah? So when we gonna do it?Copy !req
481. 'Cause you been chargin' me by the hour,
and it's been, like, three days.Copy !req
482. Oh, yeah. Soon, baby, soon. Hey, you know what?Copy !req
483. Why don't you come back tomorrow?Copy !req
484. - Yeah, yeah, baby, yeah!
- Yeah?Copy !req
485. When I finally utilize you,
you gonna be paying me.Copy !req
486. That's right. Whatever you say, sir.Copy !req
487. - Hey, you still on the clock!
- Yeah, girl.Copy !req
488. - Thank you!
- Rita!Copy !req
489. Rita! It's me, Joe, from the experiment.
Get in the car! Come on.Copy !req
490. Oh, yeah! What the hell, man?Copy !req
491. Just get in the car. I'll explain everything.Copy !req
492. - Where we going?
- Just get in the car.Copy !req
493. - Trust me.
- What happened to those army guys?Copy !req
494. Wait a minute. You got cops after you?Copy !req
495. Yeah. - And you made me get in the
car? I got two strikes, asshole!Copy !req
496. Frito, take a right here. Right, right!Copy !req
497. Into that dust storm, Frito.Copy !req
498. They must have just forgotten about us.Copy !req
499. It's been 500 years? Oh, hell, no!Copy !req
500. Upgrayedd is gonna kill me! He gets mad
when I'm a day late with his money!Copy !req
501. So, you owe your boyfriend money?Copy !req
502. Well, yeah, he's sort of my manager too.Copy !req
503. You know, he helps me sell
the paintings and shit.Copy !req
504. Look, Rita, you gotta understand that
Upgrayedd's been dead for a long time now.Copy !req
505. Yeah, man, but you said there was
a time machine, right? - Yeah.Copy !req
506. Yeah, there's a time machine
now that can take us back to the past...Copy !req
507. but there was no time machine back then, so...Copy !req
508. Upgrayedd don't care where
the time machine is. Now, then, last week...Copy !req
509. He will find a way to come get his money!Copy !req
510. - All I'm saying is you don't have to worry about it...
- You know what?Copy !req
511. Last time you told me not to worry
was 500 goddamn years ago...Copy !req
512. when you were trying to tell me
to get into some coffin.Copy !req
513. Look, Rita, I don't know how this happened, okay?Copy !req
514. But I'm doing everything I can
to get us back there, okay? I promise you.Copy !req
515. You are harboring
a fugitive by the name of Not Sure.Copy !req
516. Please, pull over and wait for the police
to incarcerate your passenger.Copy !req
517. - Hell, no. You know what? Let me outta here.
- Thank you for your help.Copy !req
518. If you don't have one of these,
they're gonna throw you in jail.Copy !req
519. You don't want to get thrown in the jails here.
I've been in them.Copy !req
520. They're bad. You're better off being with us,
as bad as that sounds.Copy !req
521. - What are you doing? Why are we slowing down?
- Turned off my battery.Copy !req
522. Look, how far is it?
Can we just take a cab or something?Copy !req
523. Oh, shit.Copy !req
524. Oh! Oh, shit!Copy !req
525. Yeah!Copy !req
526. What the hell's wrong with you? That's your car.Copy !req
527. Oh, hell, yeah! He's on fire!Copy !req
528. Come on! Let's get out of here.Copy !req
529. Hey, how much farther is it?Copy !req
530. Uh, it's, like, far.Copy !req
531. Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, you know?Copy !req
532. Yeah, well, I really don't think we have time
for a hand job, Joe.Copy !req
533. Man, he don't seem too bright.
You sure he knows where he's going?Copy !req
534. I sure hope so. He's our only chance.Copy !req
535. How'd you hook up with this guy, anyway?Copy !req
536. He's my lawyer.
And he's not a very good one either.Copy !req
537. He's a goddamned idiot.Copy !req
538. There's a shuttle down in the Costco.
It'll drop us right by the time machine.Copy !req
539. Jesus Christ. Oh, look. One more thing.Copy !req
540. He thinks he's gonna get billions of dollars
if he takes us there.Copy !req
541. So if he mentions anything about
a savings account, just play along, okay?Copy !req
542. Yeah, what if this time machine don't work?Copy !req
543. Then I'll spend
the rest of my life trying to fix it.Copy !req
544. Welcome to Costco. I love you.
Welcome to Costco. I love you.Copy !req
545. Welcome to Costco. I love you.Copy !req
546. Shuttle's down there in electronics,
about an hour from here.Copy !req
547. We've been walking forever.
You sure you know where you're going?Copy !req
548. Yeah, I know this place pretty good.
I went to law school here.Copy !req
549. In Costco?Copy !req
550. Yeah. I couldn't believe it myself.Copy !req
551. Luckily, my dad was an alumnus
and pulled some strings.Copy !req
552. Hey, come on, Joe. I already told you...Copy !req
553. we'd all like a hand job,
but we don't have time for it.Copy !req
554. Hey, baby, wanna go out?Copy !req
555. Wanna go out, honey?Copy !req
556. Shuttle comes every few minutes.
Shouldn't be long.Copy !req
557. Do I got time to use the bathroom?Copy !req
558. - Uh, the toilet.
- Be right back.Copy !req
559. Yeah, back that thing up.Copy !req
560. - Hey, you mind if I pound on that, Joe?
- What?Copy !req
561. - I like having sex with chicks.
- Yeah?Copy !req
562. - Yeah.
- I think everybody does, Frito.Copy !req
563. Not like I do. Like when you
get it like this, sideways.Copy !req
564. Then you just, like, back it up. And then you...Copy !req
565. - That's real good.
- Then you... Oh, yeah!Copy !req
566. Stop! You're gonna get us caught, okay?Copy !req
567. Warning! Warning!Copy !req
568. Costco has detected a dangerous
fugitive in aisle 16,702.Copy !req
569. Hey! What about Rita?
We can't just leave her here.Copy !req
570. I don't care. Come on!Copy !req
571. Oh, shit. Wait a second. What are we gonna do?Copy !req
572. Wait, okay, I know. Here's what we do.Copy !req
573. We go to the time machine,
then when I get back to the past...Copy !req
574. I tell her not to do the experiment.Copy !req
575. - Then she won't even be here. That'll work, right?
- Uh...Copy !req
576. - No, wait.
- Please stand clear of the doors.Copy !req
577. She already is here. That must mean
I didn't go back in time, right?Copy !req
578. Uh... - No, wait, hold on. It
just means I haven't done it yet.Copy !req
579. Okay, so I go back and I tell
her not to do the experiment.Copy !req
580. Then I won't have to do it either
because she won't be here.Copy !req
581. Then I won't have to come
back and save her, right? - I...Copy !req
582. - But then, wait. Why am I still here?
- Uh...Copy !req
583. Goddamn, how does this time travel work?Copy !req
584. - Please stand clear.
- Freeze! Hands up! Don't move!Copy !req
585. - Put your hands up!
- Don't move! Freeze!Copy !req
586. Look, if you guys are
taking me back to that jail...Copy !req
587. just go ahead and shoot me,
'cause there's no way...Copy !req
588. Ow! Fuck! Ow! Ow!Copy !req
589. - What?
- Ow! Ow. Ow. Ow.Copy !req
590. What?Copy !req
591. - Ow! God! Hey, stop!
- Damn it.Copy !req
592. - What is this?
- Okay, sir, this is the White House.Copy !req
593. - What are we doing at the White House?
- What?Copy !req
594. Ow! Ow! Goddamn!Copy !req
595. It turned out the results of Joe's I.Q. test...Copy !req
596. had caught the attention
of the highest levels of government.Copy !req
597. Okay, wait a minute. I'm the smartest guy
in the world? Says who?Copy !req
598. The I.Q. test you took in prison.Copy !req
599. You got the highest score in history.
Brought to you by Carl's Jr.Copy !req
600. Yeah, dumb ass, you're even smarter
than President Camacho.Copy !req
601. That's how come he's making
you secretary of interior.Copy !req
602. Okay, so who are you?Copy !req
603. I'm the secretary of energy.Copy !req
604. He won a contest. Got to be a cabinet member.Copy !req
605. I'm the secretary of state.
Brought to you by Carl's Jr.Copy !req
606. - Why do you keep saying that?
- 'Cause they pay me every time I do.Copy !req
607. It's a really good way to make money.
You're so smart, why don't you know that?Copy !req
608. - He's the secretary of defense.
- Hi.Copy !req
609. And, uh, funbags over there
is the attorney general.Copy !req
610. Hi.Copy !req
611. And that's the secretary of education.Copy !req
612. He's kinda stupid, but he's
President Camacho's stepbrother.Copy !req
613. Still, he does a pretty good job, eh?Copy !req
614. You know, I think there's been
some kind of mistake...Copy !req
615. 'cause the test I took was real, real easy.Copy !req
616. I'm not the smartest guy in the world. Okay?Copy !req
617. Okay, even if that were true,
I can't be the secretary of the interior.Copy !req
618. - I don't even know what it is.
- You better find out.Copy !req
619. - Sit down. It's President Camacho.
- Hey, hey, hey, yo...Copy !req
620. I gotta take care of some "bidness," baby,
so I need y'all to wait outside.Copy !req
621. Dwayne Elizondo Camacho,
five-time Ultimate Smackdown Champion...Copy !req
622. porn superstar, and president
of the United States...Copy !req
623. had called a special summit
with the smartest man in the world.Copy !req
624. - So you smart, huh?
- No, no.Copy !req
625. I thought your head would be bigger.Copy !req
626. Goddamn.Copy !req
627. It look like a peanut.Copy !req
628. Let's get you sworn in.Copy !req
629. Ladies and gentlemen, the president of America!Copy !req
630. President Camacho!Copy !req
631. Shut up.Copy !req
632. Shut up. Sit your monkey ass down.Copy !req
633. Chill out.Copy !req
634. Shit.Copy !req
635. I know shit's bad right now
with all that starvin' bullshit.Copy !req
636. And the dust storms. And we runnin'
out of French fries and burrito coverings.Copy !req
637. And the dust storms. And we runnin'
out of French fries and burrito coverings.Copy !req
638. Yeah!Copy !req
639. - But I got a solution.
- That's what you said last time, dipshit!Copy !req
640. I got a solution. You're a dick!Copy !req
641. South Carolina, "whassup?"Copy !req
642. That's what I thought!Copy !req
643. Now, I understand everyone's
shit's emotional right now...Copy !req
644. but listen up.Copy !req
645. I got a three-point plan to fix everything.Copy !req
646. Break it down, Camacho!Copy !req
647. Number one, we got this guy, Not Sure.Copy !req
648. Number two, he's got a higher
I.Q. than any man alive.Copy !req
649. And number three, he's gonna fix everything.Copy !req
650. I give you my word as president.Copy !req
651. He'll fix the problems with all the dead crops.Copy !req
652. He's gonna make 'em grow again.Copy !req
653. - Crops?
- And that ain't all. I give you my word.Copy !req
654. He's gonna fix the dust storms too.Copy !req
655. I give you my word.Copy !req
656. He's gonna fix the "ecomony."Copy !req
657. And he's so smart...Copy !req
658. he's gonna do it all in one week.Copy !req
659. President Camacho stood before
the world and promised everyone...Copy !req
660. that Joe would solve all their problems.Copy !req
661. He would not only end the dust bowl
and heal the economy...Copy !req
662. but he would cure acne and carsickness as well.Copy !req
663. And if he didn't...Copy !req
664. President Camacho made another promise.Copy !req
665. He would kick Joe's smart balls
all the way up to the roof of his smart mouth.Copy !req
666. And then, he would throw
his brainy ass back in jail.Copy !req
667. I should, uh, be honest with you, Mr. President.Copy !req
668. I don't know how to be secretary of anything.Copy !req
669. I mean, I've never even voted, actually.Copy !req
670. I don't know what the secretary
of the interior even is.Copy !req
671. Come on, scrot. Don't be a pussy.
It beats jail, don't it?Copy !req
672. Besides, you do a kick-ass job...Copy !req
673. you get a full presidential pardon.Copy !req
674. - No jail time.
- Yeah?Copy !req
675. Fuck, yeah! Now gimme a beer.Copy !req
676. And get you one too.Copy !req
677. Shit!Copy !req
678. Hold on, vato!Copy !req
679. Whoo!Copy !req
680. - Do somethin' smart.
- Yeah.Copy !req
681. Uh, okay. Uh...Copy !req
682. I'll, uh...Copy !req
683. - Hey, we found that lawyer you wanted.
- Oh, okay. Great, thanks.Copy !req
684. Uh, right now, I'm going to, uh, you know,
confer with my counsel.Copy !req
685. You understand? So I'll be right back.Copy !req
686. Gotta go, uh, work on some crop stuff,
get that taken care of.Copy !req
687. Hopefully get it worked out by the time
we get back here. - Sounds pretty smart.Copy !req
688. Wait here, okay? Wait there.Copy !req
689. Dude, this is trepidatious.
You got me a room at the White House.Copy !req
690. Everyone gets laid at the White House. Everyone.Copy !req
691. - Yeah?
- Yeah.Copy !req
692. I'm real glad you're happy to be here, Frito,
but I brought you here to help me.Copy !req
693. I don't know the first thing
about growin' crops...Copy !req
694. much less the goddamn "ecomony."Copy !req
695. Econ-Economy.Copy !req
696. Let's see. Growin' crops...Copy !req
697. No, I just need you to tell me
how to get to the time machine.Copy !req
698. Oh, that's easy.
You go down by the museum and stuff.Copy !req
699. It's, like... It's, like, by the museum...Copy !req
700. sort of, but, well, actually, not really.Copy !req
701. More like... But on the street. You go, um...
Wait. Let me start over.Copy !req
702. Okay, you know where the time machine is?Copy !req
703. Hey. Just draw me a map, okay?Copy !req
704. You still want the money?Copy !req
705. Oh. If I had some money
and a room at the White House...Copy !req
706. - I would be like, "It's mine, all night!"
- Listen. Cut it out!Copy !req
707. Listen, I told these people
that you were smart, okay?Copy !req
708. - So act smart!
- Smart like you?Copy !req
709. "Oh, I gotta go
to the time machine. I wanna go home."Copy !req
710. - I don't talk like that.
- "I don't talk like that."Copy !req
711. Shit, I thought there was two of you.Copy !req
712. See?Copy !req
713. Doesn't look that big, is it?Copy !req
714. Okay. Let's go take a look at those crops.Copy !req
715. Especially the ones, uh, you know,
out around the museum area.Copy !req
716. All right? Hey, come on!Copy !req
717. Now, you either lead, follow,
or get out of the way. All right?Copy !req
718. Whoa. Did you just make that up?Copy !req
719. Yes, I did. Now look...Copy !req
720. I also need help finding this girl named Rita,
like, immediately...Copy !req
721. - and Frito will give you a hand with it.
- Why?Copy !req
722. Well, because, uh, you know,
she'd be an essential... integral... asset...Copy !req
723. you know, for our team,
for us to, you know, utilize.Copy !req
724. Utilize her! Utilize her!Copy !req
725. Utilize!Copy !req
726. Hey, uh, but you're gonna bring her here, right?Copy !req
727. Oh, yeah. Butt first!Copy !req
728. - Utilize her!
- Okay.Copy !req
729. Dang! May I approach your benches?Copy !req
730. Uh, yeah. This sucks pretty bad.Copy !req
731. Frito, why don't you come over here and,
uh, take a look at this?Copy !req
732. Come on. Hustle over here, buddy.
I wanna figure this out.Copy !req
733. See, uh, just not a lot of moisture.
Have you got the map?Copy !req
734. - Oh, yeah.
- Discreetly.Copy !req
735. - It's right there.
- I see it. I see it.Copy !req
736. Stand up with me.Copy !req
737. Yo, Mr. Secretary Not Sure.
They found that whore you wanted.Copy !req
738. Hey, that may be how you refer
to women in the future, but come on.Copy !req
739. No, sir. Turns out she charged some guy
a lotta money and didn't put out.Copy !req
740. Don't worry though. We'll get her out...Copy !req
741. on a work-release whorin' license
as long as you're doin' her.Copy !req
742. Get your hands off me. What do you think
I'm gonna do, run through the field?Copy !req
743. What the fuck are you all starin' at?Copy !req
744. - Joe?
- That's Not Sure, ma'am.Copy !req
745. - Secretary Not Sure.
- Secretary? Secretary of what?Copy !req
746. Say, would you guys mind if we had
a little moment together? Alone?Copy !req
747. You know, in the bushes?Copy !req
748. Oh, man.Copy !req
749. Fuck her, Joe! - Hey, you want us to
come along, make sure she puts out?Copy !req
750. No, thanks. I can handle it. Yeah.Copy !req
751. I thought you was in jail.
How'd you get to be the secretary of interior?Copy !req
752. Just keep walking. I'll explain everything.Copy !req
753. Okay. Get ready to run.Copy !req
754. - What?
- Oh, goddamn it.Copy !req
755. Way to go, Frito. You know what?
Just make a run for it anyways.Copy !req
756. We'll ask for directions on the way.Copy !req
757. No way. I spent the last two days
looking for it. It ain't easy to find.Copy !req
758. Damn it. I can't go back to jail,
and I sure can't solve these problems.Copy !req
759. All's I know is I better find Upgrayedd
before he finds me.Copy !req
760. Listen to me. Upgrayedd
cannot find you, okay? It's impossible!Copy !req
761. - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah! And even if Upgrayedd...Copy !req
762. could somehow magically travel through time...Copy !req
763. we got secret service guys with huge guns
protecting us, okay?Copy !req
764. So don't worry. You're safe.Copy !req
765. And you know what? It's none of my business,
but when we get back...Copy !req
766. you and Upgrayedd should seriously think
about couples counseling, okay?Copy !req
767. And you should also think about maybe finding
an art manager who's not also your boyfriend.Copy !req
768. Hey! She's not puttin' out?Copy !req
769. Uh, no, she is. We, uh-We already did it.Copy !req
770. Yeah. He was great.Copy !req
771. Okay. Hey, a couple of us guys
were wonderin', uh...Copy !req
772. if we'd go family-style on her.Copy !req
773. Uh, yeah, probably not right now.Copy !req
774. We should focus on the crops.
So let's get back to work. Maybe later.Copy !req
775. What the hell is this?Copy !req
776. - Tastes like Gatorade.
- Is that that Brawndo stuff?Copy !req
777. They're watering crops with a sports drink?Copy !req
778. Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator
had come to replace water...Copy !req
779. virtually everywhere.Copy !req
780. Water, the basic component of all life...Copy !req
781. had been deemed a threat
to Brawndo's profit margin.Copy !req
782. The solution came during
the budget crisis of 2330...Copy !req
783. when the Brawndo Corporation
simply bought the F.D.A...Copy !req
784. and the F.C.C...Copy !req
785. enabling them to say, do and sell...Copy !req
786. anything they wanted.Copy !req
787. Joe didn't know any of this...Copy !req
788. but he did see a problem
that he might actually be able to solve.Copy !req
789. With his options running out,
Joe took a bold step.Copy !req
790. He would not get out of the way.Copy !req
791. This time, he would lead.Copy !req
792. For the last time, I'm pretty sure...Copy !req
793. what's killing the crops is this Brawndo stuff.Copy !req
794. But Brawndo's got what plants crave.
It's got electrolytes.Copy !req
795. So wait a minute. What you're saying...Copy !req
796. is that you want us to put water on the crops.Copy !req
797. - Yes.
- Water. Like out the toilet?Copy !req
798. Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be
out of the toilet, but, yeah, that's the idea.Copy !req
799. - But Brawndo's got what plants crave.
- It's got electrolytes.Copy !req
800. Okay, look.Copy !req
801. The plants aren't growing, so I'm pretty sure
that the Brawndo's not working.Copy !req
802. Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know
that if you put water on plants, they grow.Copy !req
803. Well, I've never seen no plants
grow out of no toilet.Copy !req
804. Hey, that's good. You sure you ain't
the smartest guy in the world?Copy !req
805. You wanna solve this problem.
I wanna get my pardon.Copy !req
806. So why don't we just try it, okay,
and not worry about what plants crave?Copy !req
807. Brawndo's got what plants crave.Copy !req
808. - Goddamn it.
- Yeah, it's got electrolytes.Copy !req
809. What are electrolytes? Do you even know?Copy !req
810. It's what they use to make Brawndo.Copy !req
811. Yeah, but why do they use them to make Brawndo?Copy !req
812. 'Cause Brawndo's got electrolytes.Copy !req
813. After several hours,
Joe finally gave up on logic and reason...Copy !req
814. and simply told the cabinet
that he could talk to plants...Copy !req
815. and that they wanted water.Copy !req
816. He made believers out of everyone.Copy !req
817. Joe didn't know it,
but the beloved electrolytes...Copy !req
818. were salts that had been
building up in the topsoil over the decades...Copy !req
819. killing plants and leading to the dust bowl.Copy !req
820. As secretary of the interior,
Joe ordered all crops to be switched to water...Copy !req
821. promising that, over time, plants would grow
and the dust bowl would end.Copy !req
822. He was on the fast track
to a full presidential pardon.Copy !req
823. Or so it seemed.Copy !req
824. Man, I hope somethin' grows fast.Copy !req
825. Yeah. So we can haul our ass back home.Copy !req
826. Man. You really think those people
would have starved to death?Copy !req
827. I don't know. I mean, how did the world
ever get like this?Copy !req
828. You know things are bad
when they're comin' to me for answers.Copy !req
829. - It's a weird feeling being smarter than everyone.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
830. - I'm not used to it.
- Yeah. Me neither.Copy !req
831. You think Einstein walked around thinkin'
everyone was a bunch of dumb shits?Copy !req
832. Yeah. Hadn't thought of that.Copy !req
833. - Now you know why he built that bomb.
- Yeah.Copy !req
834. Hey, Joe, listen. Those cops...Copy !req
835. - Oh, hey. I'm sorry about that.
- No. No.Copy !req
836. They said that you got me a pardon.Copy !req
837. You know, if you hadn't done that,
I'd still be in jail right now, so...Copy !req
838. I guess I owe you one.Copy !req
839. You know, you don't have to sleep
on the floor if you don't want to.Copy !req
840. Oh. No. I'm... I'm all right. Yeah.Copy !req
841. Besides, you know, I don't think Upgrayedd
would be too happy about that.Copy !req
842. You in bed with a stranger.Copy !req
843. Yeah.Copy !req
844. I know. I know.Copy !req
845. Yeah. Oh, boy.Copy !req
846. Oh, shit. It's Upgrayedd.Copy !req
847. Oh, shit. It's not Upgrayedd.Copy !req
848. Given enough time, Joe's plan might have worked.Copy !req
849. But when the Brawndo stock
suddenly dropped to zero...Copy !req
850. leaving half the population unemployed...Copy !req
851. dumb, angry mobs took to the streets,
rioting and looting...Copy !req
852. and screaming for Joe's head.Copy !req
853. An emergency cabinet meeting was called...Copy !req
854. with the C.E.O. of the Brawndo Corporation.Copy !req
855. How come nobody's buying
Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator?Copy !req
856. Aw, shit. Half the country works for Brawndo.Copy !req
857. Not anymore! The stock has dropped to zero...Copy !req
858. and the computer did
that auto-layoff thing to everybody.Copy !req
859. - We're all unemployed!
- You think that makes the "ecomony" suck?Copy !req
860. - Why is this happening?
- I think it's because we switched to water, but...Copy !req
861. - You mean this is all your fault?
- What?Copy !req
862. Yeah, this is your fault. This shit started
happening when we switched to water!Copy !req
863. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Brought to you
by Carl's Jr. Brought to you by Carl's Jr.Copy !req
864. Fox News.Copy !req
865. He tried taking water from toilets...Copy !req
866. but it's Secretary Not Sure
who finds himself in the toilet now.Copy !req
867. And as history pulls down its pants...Copy !req
868. and prepares to lower its ass
on Not Sure's head...Copy !req
869. it will be Daddy Justice
who will be crapping on him this time.Copy !req
870. We now go live to Violence Channel
correspondent Formica Davis...Copy !req
871. at the Extreme Court
with highlights on today's trial.Copy !req
872. Thank you, Velveeta.
Well, it started off boring and slow...Copy !req
873. with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone
with a bunch of smart talk.Copy !req
874. Blah, blah, blah. You gotta believe me!Copy !req
875. That part of the trial sucked.Copy !req
876. But then, the chief "J" just went off.Copy !req
877. He said, "Man, whatever.Copy !req
878. The guy's guilty as shit. We all know that."Copy !req
879. And he sentenced his ass
to one night of Rehabilitation.Copy !req
880. Hey, rehabilitation? One night?Copy !req
881. Doesn't sound so bad.Copy !req
882. Not so bad, huh?Copy !req
883. Here's some highlights
from last week's Rehabilitation.Copy !req
884. And who could forget that wonderful finish...Copy !req
885. by Rehab Officer Tylenol Jones?Copy !req
886. And tomorrow night looks even more better.Copy !req
887. Word is that Beef Supreme himself
might come out of retirement.Copy !req
888. Wow. Thank you, Formica.Copy !req
889. So you think you can escape again
like you did last time?Copy !req
890. - No. They pretty much fixed that.
- How?Copy !req
891. They chained me to a big rock.Copy !req
892. - Oh.
- Yeah.Copy !req
893. Look, Rita, get Frito.Copy !req
894. Get him to take you back to the time machine
without me. Don't wait.Copy !req
895. No. You could have split on me before,
but you didn't.Copy !req
896. Look, you wanna pay me back? Just go back, okay?Copy !req
897. Tell people to read books.Copy !req
898. Tell people to stay in school, you know.Copy !req
899. Tell people to just
use their brains or something.Copy !req
900. I think maybe the world got like this
because of people like me.Copy !req
901. I never did anything with my life.
At least you were an artist, you know?Copy !req
902. - So just go back and...
- Visit's over!Copy !req
903. And Rita, whatever you do, keep painting, okay?Copy !req
904. Good luck, Joe.Copy !req
905. Okay, that's five down and one more to go.Copy !req
906. Are you ready for a monster-truck duel
to the death?Copy !req
907. Yeah! Let's give it up for the Guitar Army.Copy !req
908. Okay, we're gonna do this shit.Copy !req
909. But first, to lead us in our Natural Anthem...Copy !req
910. the star of Ow! My Balls! Hormel Chavez!Copy !req
911. Thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
912. Hey! Come here!Copy !req
913. Come here!Copy !req
914. Right in the balls!Copy !req
915. That's just how that shit went on TV!Copy !req
916. This execution is brought to you
by Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator.Copy !req
917. After you've killed someone...Copy !req
918. - your body needs electrolytes.
- Yeah.Copy !req
919. So, my car's out front...Copy !req
920. whenever you want me to take you...Copy !req
921. to the time machine.Copy !req
922. Thanks, Frito.Copy !req
923. - Yeah.
- I can't hear you!Copy !req
924. That's a real bummer about Joe, huh?Copy !req
925. - I can't hear you!
- Yeah.Copy !req
926. Oh! Can you turn this up? I love Rehabilitation.Copy !req
927. Okay. Let's meet
our rehabilitation officers for tonight.Copy !req
928. With a combined record of 62 kills...Copy !req
929. please welcome Vinny Mawumba in the Dildozer!Copy !req
930. And his brother Bobby Mawumba in the Ass Blaster!Copy !req
931. I get a truck too, right?Copy !req
932. Yeah. Here it comes.Copy !req
933. Get in.Copy !req
934. You still got the chain attached.Copy !req
935. - Door won't shut.
- What about the chain?Copy !req
936. - We could break it.
- No. He could escape.Copy !req
937. - I got an idea. Let's put it in the trunk.
- Yeah. That'll work.Copy !req
938. - Who's smart now?
- Let's bring out our criminal.Copy !req
939. He tried to ruin the country
by pouring toilet water on crops.Copy !req
940. He cost millions of people their jobs.Copy !req
941. Let's get ready to rehabilitate Not Sure!Copy !req
942. Never would have guessed
this is how I was gonna die.Copy !req
943. Are you ready for some car-on-car action?Copy !req
944. Yes.Copy !req
945. - I can't watch this.
- This is...Copy !req
946. This is gonna be so sad. I hope I don't cry.Copy !req
947. Holy shit! Frito, come here! Look!Copy !req
948. He was right. The water... it worked.Copy !req
949. Frito, can you get me over there?Copy !req
950. Yes.Copy !req
951. No, you fuckin' moron.
To the Rehabilitation place.Copy !req
952. - Uh, this way.
- Yeah!Copy !req
953. Come on, Frito. Hurry!Copy !req
954. And now the dude that
everybody came here to see...Copy !req
955. - Yeah!
- the only undefeated officer ever in history...Copy !req
956. coming out of retirement
just to pound Not Sure's ass...Copy !req
957. driving the biggest, hugest correctional
vehicle ever built in history...Copy !req
958. Bigger than the Dildozer,
bigger than the Ass Blaster...Copy !req
959. bigger and huger than everything
ever before in history...Copy !req
960. The brand-new Assdozer!Copy !req
961. Give it up for Beef Supreme!Copy !req
962. Oh!Copy !req
963. Oh!Copy !req
964. Oh, shit. I think it was too big, huh?Copy !req
965. We seem to be "experimenting"...Copy !req
966. some "techmological" differences...Copy !req
967. so, uh, shit.Copy !req
968. Frito, look!Copy !req
969. - It's working everywhere!
- Huh.Copy !req
970. Well, shit. That's a big pile of rocks.Copy !req
971. - Kinda reminds me of this one time that I was...
- Man.Copy !req
972. - Hey!
- Oh, oh, okay.Copy !req
973. - Get this shit started!
- We're gonna start without Beef Supreme.Copy !req
974. Let the rehabilitation begin!Copy !req
975. Oh, shit.Copy !req
976. Come on. Come on.Copy !req
977. Come on, Frito. Hurry!Copy !req
978. Oh!Copy !req
979. Goddamn it.Copy !req
980. - Yeah!
- Jesus, that was close.Copy !req
981. Mr. President! Mr. President,
I need to talk to you.Copy !req
982. You gotta stop this thing.
He was right about the water.Copy !req
983. We passed some crops
on the way here. They're growing.Copy !req
984. I didn't see no crops.Copy !req
985. They're circling around.Copy !req
986. They're gonna do the Malachi Crunch on him!Copy !req
987. - This is an illegal move, okay? So don't tell nobody.
- Oh!Copy !req
988. So, uh-So the winner is, uh...Copy !req
989. - You gotta be shittin' me.
- Did he win?Copy !req
990. Uh-oh. Look.Copy !req
991. Holy shit! It's Beef Supreme!Copy !req
992. Beef Supreme! Yeah! Yeah!Copy !req
993. Hey, Frito. Frito, you remember
those crops we saw off the road...Copy !req
994. - right by the Starbucks?
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
995. - Hey. Wanna make some money?
- I like money.Copy !req
996. Hey, um, the, uh... the main
screen is malfunctioning...Copy !req
997. and they gonna need you outside immediately.Copy !req
998. There's a bunch of whores in the hallway.Copy !req
999. Come on, Frito. Hurry.Copy !req
1000. Can't believe you like money too.Copy !req
1001. - We should hang out.
- Totally.Copy !req
1002. He's behind the truck!Copy !req
1003. Yes! Yes!Copy !req
1004. - He's behind the fucking truck!
- He's over there!Copy !req
1005. Behind the truck, stupid!Copy !req
1006. Look!Copy !req
1007. Shit. That's a good deal.Copy !req
1008. - Extra foam.
- I got a bunch of money too.Copy !req
1009. - Forgot what it was for.
- Huh.Copy !req
1010. - You think it was for lattes?
- Yeah. Probably.Copy !req
1011. - You like money and sex? You're trippin' me out.
- What the fuck?Copy !req
1012. - Yeah!
- Yeah!Copy !req
1013. Just hold on, okay?
Everyone just take it easy, okay?Copy !req
1014. Can I just say something here?Copy !req
1015. I don't even know what I'm guilty of here.Copy !req
1016. I never said that I was the smartest person
on earth. You people did.Copy !req
1017. I didn't know that you'd lose your jobs
and all your money...Copy !req
1018. and I'm very sorry that that happened.Copy !req
1019. But I'm tellin' you...Copy !req
1020. if you put water on the crops,
it might actually...Copy !req
1021. No, it will work. I promise you!Copy !req
1022. You just have to believe me.
I just wanted to help you. That's all.Copy !req
1023. So you can try and shoot me.
You can try and run me over, whatever.Copy !req
1024. But I just want you to ask yourselves
one question first.Copy !req
1025. Do you really want to live in a world...Copy !req
1026. where you try to blow up the one person
that's tryin' to help you?Copy !req
1027. Hold on. Just hold on.Copy !req
1028. Oh, man. That was great.Copy !req
1029. Hey, was I wearing pants when we went in there?Copy !req
1030. Shit. What do I look like, a pants goblin?Copy !req
1031. Wait. This reminds me of something.Copy !req
1032. "Uh," Rehabil-Rehabilate...Copy !req
1033. - "Rehabilation."
- Why do you keep trying to read that word?Copy !req
1034. - You a fag?
- I'll fag your face!Copy !req
1035. - Come on, Frito.
- Yeah. I don't think so.Copy !req
1036. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
1037. This guy just got his ass a pardon!Copy !req
1038. Yeah!Copy !req
1039. Man, Rita. I mean, I don't know what to say.Copy !req
1040. You saved my life.
No one's ever done anything like that for me.Copy !req
1041. Yeah, well...Copy !req
1042. you were looking out for the whole world so,
you know...Copy !req
1043. - I thought someone should look out for you too.
- Thanks.Copy !req
1044. I can't believe I'm even saying this, but...Copy !req
1045. even though these people tried to kill me...Copy !req
1046. you know, I think I'm actually
gonna kinda miss 'em. - Yeah.Copy !req
1047. Frito... he's gonna give us
a ride back to the time machine.Copy !req
1048. I just, uh... I hope he's okay to drive.Copy !req
1049. It's you. Oh, man, I really love your show.Copy !req
1050. Thank you so much.Copy !req
1051. - Uh, Joe, I'm not going.
- What?Copy !req
1052. I had some pretty bad habits back there
that I don't want to fall into again.Copy !req
1053. Maybe it's time I got a new start.Copy !req
1054. Besides, they offered me
a pretty good job at Starbucks here.Copy !req
1055. - I'm gonna be a C.E.O.
- At Starbucks?Copy !req
1056. - Yeah.
- Yeah? You're still gonna paint though, right?Copy !req
1057. Yeah. Sure.Copy !req
1058. I guess this is good-bye then.Copy !req
1059. Hey, hey, hey, hey!Copy !req
1060. I got a couple presidential decrees to make!Copy !req
1061. I got a couple presidential decrees to make!Copy !req
1062. Not Sure, get your ass up here, wherever you is.Copy !req
1063. Let me get that little peanut head up here.Copy !req
1064. Yo. Yo.Copy !req
1065. I have decided...Copy !req
1066. to make this man...Copy !req
1067. The man who solved all our problems...Copy !req
1068. I have decided to make him...Copy !req
1069. my new vice president.Copy !req
1070. Mr. President, thanks.
That's real cool of you, sir...Copy !req
1071. - but I can't accept it, sir.
- What? Why?Copy !req
1072. - You know, I gotta get home.
- But we still got all these problems.Copy !req
1073. Look, you know, you're just gonna
have to solve 'em yourselves.Copy !req
1074. - How?
- Think about it, you know?Copy !req
1075. You're just gonna have to figure it out
like we did with the crops.Copy !req
1076. But how are we gonna figure out about
the garbage "ambulanches" and the "comony"?Copy !req
1077. And what about the nuc...
"nucular" reactor in Florida?Copy !req
1078. It's broke and leaky and something's happening.Copy !req
1079. - I thought it was in Georgia.
- Georgia's in Florida, dumb ass.Copy !req
1080. Hey. Hey, I know.
Let's put toilet water on it. Huh?Copy !req
1081. - Yeah!
- Good, good. That's a good idea.Copy !req
1082. - Like we did on the crops.
- Come on, vato.Copy !req
1083. Hey, you can't leave.Copy !req
1084. Whatever happened to all that "lead, follow,
or get outta the way" shit, huh?Copy !req
1085. I guess I just can't get outta the way anymore,
can I? You know what?Copy !req
1086. - Forget about the time machine.
- Yeah!Copy !req
1087. That ride sucks anyways.Copy !req
1088. Ride?Copy !req
1089. Welcome to the Time Masheen.Copy !req
1090. We are going to take you back,
first to the year 1939...Copy !req
1091. when Charlie Chaplin and his evil Nazi regime...Copy !req
1092. enslaved Europe and tried to take over the world.Copy !req
1093. So you knew this thing
was just a ride the whole time?Copy !req
1094. Yeah. You thought you could really
travel through time, huh?Copy !req
1095. - Yeah, I guess I did.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1096. For the smartest guy in the world,
you're pretty dumb sometimes.Copy !req
1097. - So why didn't you tell us?
- 'Cause I like money. I'm sorry.Copy !req
1098. But if it's not a real time machine,
there wouldn't have been any money.Copy !req
1099. You know, 'cause I can't go back in time
and open a savings account.Copy !req
1100. Uh, uh, uh...Copy !req
1101. Yeah. Don't worry about it. It's okay.Copy !req
1102. Well, I guess we're stuck here.Copy !req
1103. But then an even
greater force emerged... the "UN."Copy !req
1104. And the "UN" un-nazied the world forever.Copy !req
1105. And the "UN" un-nazied the world forever.Copy !req
1106. And so, after serving a short
term as vice president...Copy !req
1107. Joe was elected the president of America.Copy !req
1108. Frito became vice president...Copy !req
1109. and Rita, the former prostitute,
became first lady.Copy !req
1110. Today I step into the shoes of a great man...Copy !req
1111. a man by the name of Dwayne Elizondo...Copy !req
1112. Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.Copy !req
1113. Under President Not Sure's
leadership, a new era dawned.Copy !req
1114. You know, there was a time in this country...Copy !req
1115. when smart people were considered cool.Copy !req
1116. Well, maybe not cool,
but smart people did things...Copy !req
1117. like build ships and pyramids,
and they even went to the moon.Copy !req
1118. Yeah!Copy !req
1119. And there was a time
in this country, a long time ago...Copy !req
1120. when reading wasn't just for fags...Copy !req
1121. and neither was writing.Copy !req
1122. People wrote books and movies,
movies that had stories...Copy !req
1123. so you cared whose ass it was
and why it was farting.Copy !req
1124. And I believe that time can come again!Copy !req
1125. Not Sure, Not Sure, Not Sure!Copy !req
1126. Joe and Rita had three children...Copy !req
1127. the three smartest kids in the world.Copy !req
1128. Vice President Frito took eight wives...Copy !req
1129. and had a total of 32 kids...Copy !req
1130. Thirty-two of the dumbest kids
ever to walk the earth.Copy !req
1131. Okay, so maybe Joe didn't save mankind...Copy !req
1132. but he got the ball rolling...Copy !req
1133. and that's pretty good for an average guy.Copy !req