I Was a Teenage Wereskunk (2016)

1. Let me guess, we're outta gas.

2. Nice try, buster.

3. By gum, Sally, do you really think

4. I'd try and pull a fast one like that?

5. To play a little backseat bingo?

6. You bet your fern I do.

7. Backseat bingo?

8. Geez, you really are too much, Sally Jenkins.

9. Ah, it really is beautiful.

10. Just like you.

11. Oh, Jerry, you're the most.

12. And you're the rest.

13. Come here, my little flower petal.

14. Let's neck.

15. Jerry Mitchell!

16. If I wanted to go steady with an animal,

17. I would be at the zoo right now.

18. Come on, Sally, we've been going steady for three months.

19. Don't you think it's time we took things a bit further?

20. Is that all you boys think about, going all the way?

21. Woah, slow down Speedy Gonzales.

22. Who said anything about going

23. - all the way? - That's what you

24. - were thinking. - No, it's just,

25. well, I love you, Sally.

26. And there's so much of you that I love,

27. and I just think that if you

28. maybe let me get to know other parts of you

29. that I could learn to love them too.

30. Like, you know, for example, your chest.

31. Oh, I'm sure, well, it would start here,

32. and then pretty soon,

33. you'd have my dress over my head, Perv Griffin.

34. No, no, never, I would never.

35. I mean, would that really be such a bad thing?

36. - Jerry Mitchell! - What?

37. Just what kind of a girl do you take me for?

38. Sally!

39. Come on, we're not kids.

40. People our age make it, it's normal.

41. I don't know anyone who's made it.

42. Well, sure you do.

43. - Who? - Paula Goldie.

44. Paula Goldie?

45. That's balderdash.

46. With Ian Stuart.

47. Paula and Ian?

48. You're full of beans.

49. Sally, Sally where ya going?

50. We're miles from town.

51. If I get back in the car,

52. do you promise to take me straight home?

53. Sure, whatever you want.

54. And I don't wanna hear any more

55. of your dirty lies about naughty behavior.

56. I know Paula, and she would never let anyone do that to her.

57. She's a nice, respectable girl.

58. Paula and Ian, really?

59. All the way?

60. To the moon and back.

61. Okay, above the waist and over the clothes

62. and any funny business and I'll feed you a knuckle sandwich.

63. Woah, Houston get ready for lift off!

64. What, I stayed above

65. - the waist. - No, it wasn't that.

66. Did you hear something?

67. Sure, your moans of passion.

68. No, no, no, I'm serious, I think I heard something.

69. You're just thinking of those old campfire stories.

70. Two lovers at Make-out Point,

71. an escaped mental patient, hook for a hand.

72. Oh, could you just get out and take a look around?

73. Come on, I'm so very frightened.

74. Well, if it'll make ya feel better.

75. Hello?

76. Hello, anyone?

77. Mr. Boogieman?

78. That's not funny, Jerry.

79. Hello?

80. - There's nobody out here. - Just keep looking.

81. There's nothing out here, Sally.

82. Keep looking, Jerry.

83. Jerry?

84. Jerry?

85. Jerry, don't kid with me, I'm really, really frightened.

86. Jerry!

87. Jerry, if you're fooling with me than I swear to gosh,

88. I will never, ever forgive you.

89. Jerry.

90. Jerry.

91. Jerry Mitchell!

92. How could you scare me like that?

93. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you forever!

94. Come on, Sally, it was just a goof.

95. Hey, do you smell something?

96. Climb it, Tarzan.

97. It was just a goof, Sally, don't lose your head.

98. Footprints in the jello, what a gas!

99. Mary Beth Pruitt, you are too much, too much.

100. Curtis told it to me.

101. Isn't the most?

102. And then some.

103. But you know what would really be the most?

104. Getting Ricky Nelson to perform at the spring formal?

105. Guess again, mother hen.

106. Well geez, Sally, I just don't know.

107. If you and Curtis.

108. Sally, must you always?

109. We are just friends.

110. You spend every waking second together.

111. - So? - Sew buttons.

112. Mary Beth Pruitt, you've got toys in the attic.

113. Look at him, do you really mean to tell me

114. you don't find him just dreamy.

115. Hey Curtis, did you hear

116. about Ian Stuart and Paula Goldie?

117. Yeah, they're going steady, everybody knows that.

118. Hey, not just going steady.

119. They took their relationship a bit further.

120. He gave her his ring?

121. No, you dummy, they broke the sound barrier.

122. In a high speed jet, neato!

123. Oh yeah, wouldn't that have been somethin'.

124. Wait, do you think that I mean

125. that they literally broke the sound barrier?

126. Aw Curtis, you're thicker than a $5 malt.

127. They made it.

128. They, they made it?

129. Look, made what?

130. Why don't you just tell me what you mean?

131. Wait, Ian and Paula, they made it, made it?

132. Like all the way?

133. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.

134. Let the contestant know what he won.

135. But, but Ian and Paula, how?

136. Oh Curtis, if I have to tell ya that, I don't know how,

137. No, but I, I mean, I mean how?

138. I don't know, I didn't read the fine print.

139. I just know that it happened.

140. And while we're on the subject,

141. what about you and Mary Beth?

142. What about us?

143. Well.

144. - Jiminy no! - Have you?

145. Mary Beth and I are just friends.

146. Just friends, get real!

147. What do you think, I just landed here from Uranus?

148. Three root beer floats.

149. - Thank you, sir. - That'll be 45 cents, boys.

150. Oh hey, Mary Beth, you should tell Jerry

151. that joke you told me earlier.

152. Wait till you hear this, Jerry, it's positively boss.

153. Oh well, Curtis told it to me, so maybe he should tell it.

154. Oh no, go ahead, Mary Beth, you tell it.

155. Oh, I don't wanna take your spotlight.

156. Oh, it's okay, Mary Beth, go on.

157. It's just that you tell it so well.

158. Can one of you just tell the gosh darn thing

159. while Kennedy's still

160. - in office? - Jerry, language!

161. Sorry, tulip.

162. Okay, well, the joke is, how do you know

163. when an elephant's been in your refrigerator?

164. I give up.

165. Because of the foot—

166. Solid pages, man.

167. I'm begging your pardon?

168. That book, solid.

169. Do you swing to the beats, man?

170. Oh, well, my mom always says, "Eat your vegetables."

171. Oh, I dig it, beats, vegetables, you're a big tickle.

172. I like your vibe, man.

173. - What's your moniker? - I don't play the harmonica.

174. What do they call you?

175. Oh, Curtis, I'm Curtis Albright.

176. Finn Potter, pleased to meet you.

177. Hey, I just had an illumination, man.

178. And that's me and you gettin' down sometime.

179. I love getting down.

180. Groovy, tomorrow, the Greasy Cheetah,

181. - nine chimes in the dim. - Nine chimes?

182. Solid.

183. What just happened?

184. I think you just made plans to hang out

185. with Finn Potter at the Greasy Cheetah tomorrow.

186. Nine chimes?

187. I didn't understand a single word of that conversation.

188. Neither did I, and I was having it.

189. What's the book?

190. Oh, it's just some book from the free box at the library.

191. Just thought it looked interesting.

192. You thought the girl on the cover

193. looked interesting, Peter Perv.

194. By gum, Curtis, is that really

195. the kind of girl you go for?

196. Jiminy no, Mary Beth, I,

197. What kind of girl is it that you go for, huh Curtis?

198. Yeah!

199. What kind of girl?

200. - That we need to know. - Tell us.

201. Let us know.

202. What kind of girl is it?

203. Curtis is gonna get married, have babies

204. with what kind of girl,

205. if the girl on the cover is like that?

206. Off the Road?

207. Off the Road?

208. Curtis the pervist.

209. - I mean, across the room. - Little Curtis, little Curtis

210. he doesn't know who.

211. Shout it from the rooftops.

212. Jiminy Cricket, just tell—

213. Eww!

214. Your elephant joke was a big hit.

215. I guess.

216. Jerry and Sally, they're pretty goofy, huh?

217. I guess.

218. Do you wanna put our underpants on our head

219. and sing Earth Angel into that mailbox?

220. I guess.

221. Hello, ground control to Curtis.

222. Come in, Curtis.

223. Why are you such a space cadet tonight?

224. Look, we've been friends for a long time, right Mary Beth?

225. We sure have.

226. Well, do you think that maybe two people

227. who have been friends their entire lives could ever become,

228. I don't know, somethin' else?

229. Like what, enemies?

230. Well, I suppose, - No, I didn't mean,

231. like I just, never mind.

232. That's your house.

233. I know where I live, Captain Obvious.

234. Sheesh, what is with you?

235. Look, I'm sorry Mary Beth.

236. I guess I'm just tired.

237. I'll call you later?

238. Okay, see you later, gator.

239. After while, crocodile.

240. Oh man.

241. Curtis, Harold, breakfast.

242. Coming, ma!

243. Harold, breakfast!

244. Harold, breakfast!

245. Coming dear.

246. Looks great, Dana.

247. Yeah, mom.

248. What is that smell?

249. You don't smell that?

250. No, I don't smell nothin' but these hot buttery flapjacks.

251. Looks like the commies are getting pretty hinky

252. down in Southeast Asia, place called Vietnam.

253. Must we talk about such unpleasant things

254. at the breakfast table?

255. Aw, don't worry about it, sugar bun.

256. It won't amount to much.

257. We'll send a couple of good, strong US Troops there

258. and that'll be that.

259. I'm sure you're right, dear.

260. So Curtis, any big plans today?

261. Yeah, I was gonna meet a new friend at the Greasy Cheetah.

262. Over my dead body are you going to the Greasy Cheetah.

263. They serve liquor drinks there and those

264. funny smelling cigarettes.

265. Which hooligan has you going to this den of sin?

266. Just a new friend, I don't know him that well.

267. - Um, Finn Potter. - Potter, eh?

268. I wonder if that's old Harold's boy.

269. That stands to reason.

270. I've got Harold in the slammer about every other day.

271. Betcha the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

272. Young man, I.

273. Young man, I forbid.

274. What is that smell?

275. Hmm, what is that smell?

276. - I don't smell anything. - Smells like a skunk.

277. Yes, exactly.

278. Oh, Turbo must've sprayed last night.

279. Well, Curtis, looks like

280. you'll have to take Turbo to see Dr. Nancy.

281. I, Dr. Nancy?

282. Yes, Curtis, Turbo's vet.

283. Ma, you don't have to take a dog to the vet

284. just 'cause it needs a bath.

285. Curtis Delano Roosevelt Albright.

286. Sorry, sir.

287. Come on, Turbo.

288. Let's go, come on.

289. If I gave my mother lip like that,

290. she'd have had me skinned alive.

291. Oh Harold, he's just a boy.

292. Are you givin' me lip now too?

293. As a matter of fact, I am, two.

294. Grrrr.

295. I've been bad, officer.

296. I need you to take me upstairs and frisk me.

297. I think this calls for a full body cavity search.

298. Lovely to see you again, Carol.

299. We'll see you in two weeks.

300. Goodbye, Mr. Wiggles.

301. Hi, we're here to see Dr. Nancy.

302. All right.

303. Jiminy, what's wrong?

304. You have been marked.

305. - I'm sorry? - Segonku.

306. - Begging your pardon? - Segonku.

307. Still didn't get it that time either.

308. You have been marked by the one who squirts.

309. Okay, well, we're gonna go ahead

310. and go in to see Dr. Nancy.

311. Ooh!

312. Not much I can do for skunk.

313. It's not really a medical condition.

314. I tried telling them that,

315. but they told me to

316. - bring him anyway. - Hmm, parents.

317. You could say that again.

318. Parents.

319. Have you tried a tomato juice bath.

320. I sure did.

321. Well, do you want my professional advice?

322. That'd be swell.

323. As a professional veterinarian, my educated opinion is

324. leave him outside until the smell wears off.

325. Well, since you're here anyway,

326. we may as well give him a quick check up.

327. It must be skunk season.

328. I had a skunk outside my window last night too.

329. - You don't say. - I do say.

330. I was gettin' ready for beddy bye,

331. and I heard a commotion outside my window.

332. - You don't say. - I do say.

333. At first, I thought it was a peeping tom.

334. I was gettin' ready to call your father,

335. as a matter of fact.

336. - You don't say. - I do say.

337. But then, that smell of skunk hit, and I knew for suresies.

338. Turbo's heart sounds pretty good.

339. Here, come here.

340. You wanna hear what your pooch's ticker sounds like?

341. There.

342. Hear that?

343. Ba boom.

344. Ba boom.

345. Ba boom.

346. Ba boom.

347. Ba boom.

348. Ba boom.

349. I gotta go!

350. Oh, but the checkup isn't done yet.

351. I'm late for my boobs, I mean, my piano lesson.

352. Odd boy.

353. What do you see, McMinamin?

354. Nothing extraordinary, Smith.

355. Lazarus 17 is within two mutt ducks

356. of Pluto's difuganus orbit.

357. The spinning hyabootha is,

358. Egad!

359. What is it, McMinimin?

360. I'm not sure.

361. I'm gonna need a close examination of Uranus.

362. By all means, McMinimin.

363. So, she's leanin' over you

364. with her chest melons hangin' out

365. and you decide to play the trouser tuba?

366. I didn't decide.

367. It just happened.

368. I've never experienced anything like it before.

369. Her things were in my face,

370. and I was overwhelmed by this feeling.

371. And you busted a butt burp.

372. Shhh!

373. I didn't feel it coming.

374. It just came out.

375. Oh Curtis, you are too much.

376. That's the most choice story I've ever heard.

377. Drop dead twice, Jerry Mitchell.

378. Why, so I can look like you?

379. Shhh!

380. It's useless, McMinimin, the Urination is gaining on us.

381. Get ahold of yourself, woman, you're hysterical.

382. So you ready for your hot date

383. with that wackadoo, Finn Potter?

384. My dad forbid me.

385. You do everything your old man tells you?

386. Well, yeah, he's my old man.

387. You're such a nerd.

388. I'm not a nerd.

389. Are too a nerd.

390. I know you are, but what am I?

391. I know you are, but what am I?

392. I know you are, but what am I?

393. I know you are, but what am I?

394. I know you are, but what am I?

395. I know you are, but what am I?

396. Shhh!

397. Shhh!

398. I know you are, but what am I, infinity.

399. Dang it!

400. All my degrees and scientific knowledge,

401. yet I'm rendered powerless by Uranus.

402. Don't feel bad, McMinimin,

403. you're certainly not the first man

404. to succumb to the allure of my anus.

405. Uranus.

406. That's what I said.

407. There's a meteor shower tonight,

408. and I'm takin' Sally up to the Point.

409. A meteor shower, boy that sounds neato!

410. Not neato, bingo!

411. As in backseat bingo.

412. Wait, you mean you're gonna, with?

413. Exactamundo kemosabe, and speakin' of which,

414. you should take Mary Beth up there sometime.

415. No, McMinimin, do something.

416. Oh, this is horrible, it's too horrible.

417. Oh god, no, it's horrible.

418. Oh no, no, no!

419. Oh god, no!

420. Oh!

421. Don't look straight into it.

422. - Albright residence. - Candid Camera's on

423. in a few minutes, you wanna come over and watch?

424. My mom made popcorn.

425. Gee, Mary Beth, that sounds swell,

426. but I'm going down on Finn Potter tonight.

427. I think the term was get down with.

428. I don't think so.

429. Oh Curtis, you're not gonna go out with that creep.

430. A lot of undesirables hang out at the Greasy Cheetah.

431. I'm surprised your father's letting you go.

432. Well, he's not exactly.

433. Oh Curtis, you're not gonna defy your father!

434. He'll tan your hide!

435. - Not if he doesn't find out. - I don't know, Curtis.

436. This doesn't sound like you, this is a—

437. Sorry, Mary Beth, gotta go!

438. Come in.

439. Your mother and I are going to bed.

440. Okay, goodnight.

441. Not too much later for you either.

442. - It's almost 8:30. - Yes, sir.

443. You really ought to put Turbo outside.

444. I think that smell's getting worse.

445. Yeah, sure will, pop.

446. Curtis, don't let the bed bugs bite.

447. - Hey, big boy. - Oh, hey.

448. You lookin' for a good time?

449. Sure am.

450. Oh, there it is, the Greasy Cheetah!

451. Hey, the man actually made the scene.

452. What's the tale nightingale?

453. This way.

454. - Who's the Clyde? - He ain't no Clyde, Jack.

455. He's got his boots on.

456. Curtis, this is Charlie.

457. Didn't you just call him Jack?

458. It's what you call somebody who'd hip.

459. - You call him Jack. - What's buzzin' with

460. - this Clyde, Jack? - Ooh, cut the gas, pops.

461. He's cool, dig?

462. Why don't you two cats slide your jib.

463. I'm gonna caller up some brews.

464. Curtis, why don't you mash me up a couple a G-Dubs?

465. - Mash you up a couple of? - I got you.

466. Solid, Manson.

467. Look, just so I don't seem

468. like a complete Clyde next time, what's a Manson?

469. Well, me.

470. Oh, I thought you were Charlie.

471. Oh.

472. I dig.

473. Yeah, you dig.

474. I, uh, swing to that.

475. Listen, man, don't bust your conk tryin' to fit.

476. Hep cats'll peep right through ya.

477. You come in, talk to the bricks,

478. kickin' jive like you're schooled five ticks ago.

479. It's a circus.

480. Man, I don't care what Finn's layin' down, you's a Clyde.

481. I'm not a Clyde.

482. Are those beers?

483. Finn Potter, we're not old enough to drink those.

484. Then I stand corrected, he's not a Clyde at all.

485. Oh yeah.

486. Well, would a Clyde do this?

487. He even drinkin' that?

488. I have a joke.

489. How do you know when an elephant's been in your fridge?

490. Because of the footprints in the jello!

491. The footprints in the.

492. Well, well, cast an eyeball on that.

493. I gotta trilly, boys.

494. Makin' designs on the pigeon over there.

495. Jiminy, sure was neato to make your acquaintance.

496. What's sliding his jib?

497. Well, that made no sense.

498. But if you're askin' why's he's so salty,

499. that's just his trip, man.

500. Check him out, this'll blow your wig.

501. Same show every night.

502. Find some little birdie, runaways and addicts mostly.

503. Takes 'em up to his ranch,

504. got a whole little army of lost birdies

505. - up there. - What for?

506. Preppin' 'em for a killin' spree for all I know.

507. Who knows?

508. What about you, man?

509. You ballin' that paper shaker?

510. - Paper shaker? - Sis boom bah, rah rah.

511. Mary Beth!

512. Hmm, that bird's got a classy chassis.

513. May I tell you something?

514. Thrill me.

515. I have no idea what you're saying most of the time.

516. I dig it, okay.

517. Let me slow it down for you for a minute.

518. You and Mary Beth, you two?

519. Jiminy, no!

520. Mary Beth's not that kinda girl.

521. - She's not like that. - I got a newsflash for ya,

522. bro hump.

523. They are all that type of girl.

524. Dig this, go over to her pad right now, give it a shot.

525. I can't, I mean, for starters, she'll be sleeping.

526. Well, she's pilin' up a couple Zs, no big.

527. Toss a couple pebbles at her window, wake her up,

528. she comes out, tell her that she razzes your berries.

529. Make your move.

530. Do you really think so?

531. Fat city, man.

532. Mary Beth Pruitt,

533. will you be my steady?

534. Hello?

535. Someone there?

536. Sorry, I'm looking for Mary Beth's window.

537. What's going on out there, Marvin, trouble?

538. No, it's fine honey.

539. Just some stranger tryin' to get into our daughter's bedroom

540. - in the middle of the night. - Okay, then.

541. It's the uh, it's the other window over there.

542. Oh, okay, thank you.

543. Cocksucking motherfucker!

544. Mary Beth!

545. Curtis, what's the big idea?

546. This is your idea of a joke?

547. Sneaking around in the middle of the night

548. throwing rocks at people's heads?

549. I didn't mean to, I was just.

550. I, I wanted to tell you something.

551. Well, go on, spill it.

552. You really razz my berries.

553. What's that supposed to mean?

554. I don't know, I think it means you're a,

555. you're a happenin' bird with a classy chassis.

556. Curtis, are you even speaking English?

557. You sound like that Finn.

558. So, that's it, you went to the Greasy Cheetah

559. with Finn Potter, and now you're acting all cooky.

560. Look, in English,

561. I like you.

562. I like you.

563. No, but, I mean like, I really like you.

564. I really like you too.

565. Okay, so, well, all right, what I'm trying to,

566. right, okay, well, so, okay, ready?

567. - All right. - Oh, for crying out loud.

568. - What's wrong? - Well, I, I should go!

569. I, it's late.

570. But you're still coming over tomorrow to study, right?

571. Yes, absolutely, tomorrow, study!

572. Later gator.

573. No!

574. No!

575. Jerry Mitchell!

576. What kind of a girl do you take me for?

577. Sally, come on.

578. We're not kids, people our age make it, it's normal.

579. I don't know anyone who's made it.

580. There's gonna be some big changes around here

581. when I'm sheriff, big changes.

582. What, you don't believe me?

583. I'm sure

584. - there will. - Yeah there sure will

585. be some big changes.

586. When I'm sheriff, things will be a lot different

587. around here, Officer Maggie.

588. You can take that to the bank and deposit it.

589. Will do, Deputy Gary.

590. Gonna have a whole new era, whole new era.

591. What, it won't be dawn of a whole new era?

592. - Vehicle up ahead. - Yeah, I see it.

593. You don't think I see that big old boat in front of me?

594. Looks like a Wake Up Little Suzy.

595. A wake up hom in a what?

596. Wake Up Little Suzy, it's a pop record

597. about two kids who accidentally fall asleep on a date.

598. They have to figure out

599. how to explain— - I know what a Wake Up

600. Litty Suzy is!

601. Goddamn waste of my time over here.

602. You know, back in the city, I was,

603. I was wakin' up motorcycle gangs

604. and going after bank robbers

605. and going head to head with murderers.

606. Yeah, now they got me here in the sticks,

607. hasslin' little bitty teenagers, oh mother of god!

608. Are you okay?

609. Stop it.

610. Albright residence.

611. Harold, telephone.

612. Be right there, sugar puss.

613. Albright.

614. What's that?

615. You say this Wally Jenkins, Sally Jenkin's father?

616. What's that?

617. You say Sally didn't come home last night?

618. What's that?

619. You say the boy she goes with,

620. Jerry Mitchell didn't come home either?

621. I'll be on it first thing.

622. Goodbye, Wally.

623. Well, I sure do hope everything's all right.

624. Oh, it's probably nothing.

625. I bet you they fell asleep at the drive-in.

626. I've seen it a hundred times.

627. No wait, 97 times.

628. Oh, that still is a lotta times.

629. It's a lotta times, almost a hundred.

630. Should be at a hundred by the end a the year.

631. - Morning ma, pa. - Where are you runnin'

632. off to so fast, young man?

633. Oh, I'm supposed to be studying with Mary Beth.

634. I'm late, I must've overslept, or—

635. Curtis, before you go.

636. You've been hanging out

637. with that Mitchell boy quite a bit, Jerry?

638. Sure, pop, he's a real swell guy.

639. Yeah, well, do you happen to know

640. where he may have gone last night?

641. Yup, he went up to the Point

642. to make it with Sally Jenkins.

643. No, sir, why?

644. He just didn't come home last night is all.

645. Neither did that Jenkins girl he goes with.

646. They probably just fell asleep.

647. At the drive-in.

648. Or, they're still up at the Point

649. making it with each other.

650. Yup, I'm sure that's it.

651. I gotta go.

652. Let us know if you hear from the Mitchell boy.

653. If he's not too busy makin' it with Sally Jenkins.

654. Sure will, pop.

655. Whoa, whoa, excuse me?

656. Oh, I said, sure will, pop.

657. No, the part before that,

658. something about someone making something with somebody?

659. Oh gee, pop, I'm sure I don't know.

660. Hmm, see ya!

661. Odd boy.

662. Think he gets it from you.

663. Probably.

664. Albright residence.

665. Is that you, Gary?

666. Gary, Gary, Gary.

667. Gary, calm down, Gary.

668. Gary, Gary, where are you, Gary?

669. Don't move, Gary.

670. I'm on my way, Gary.

671. Well, who was it?

672. It was Gary.

673. - Is everything okay? - Oh heck if I know,

674. but I better go check out what the hullabaloo is about.

675. Right now?

676. I was about to turn myself in.

677. I've been bad.

678. You need to take me into custody.

679. You have the right to remain sexy.

680. Anything you say will be held

681. against you in the marital bed.

682. You have a right to an attorney,

683. if you feel someone needs to watch.

684. Where you trillyin' bro hump?

685. What?

686. Oh, Finn!

687. Fine, thanks.

688. Who's your friend, Finny?

689. Yeah, he's cute.

690. Hop in, man.

691. I can't, I've got this big

692. arithmetic exam I'm studyin' for.

693. You always this Earthbound, Jack?

694. Come on, lover boy.

695. I'll make it worth your while.

696. Hop in, man, you need to even out the ratio here, dig?

697. Um.

698. Well, where you guys going anyway?

699. Old Man Knickerbocker's pool.

700. Wait, you know Old Man Knickerbocker?

701. Who says I do?

702. You guys didn't get invited at all, did you?

703. You're just gonna hop the fence,

704. run around without a lifeguard present.

705. Charlie was right, man.

706. You ain't got your boots on.

707. Go on, Clyde, agitate the gravel.

708. Oh yeah, would a Clyde do this with his books?

709. Go!

710. Sheriff, just like I said,

711. off to the side with the top down, you see that?

712. - I see it, Gary. - Yup.

713. - Nice work. - I did good work?

714. Yup.

715. Saints Peter, Paul, and Mary.

716. What happened here?

717. It's hard to say, but if I had to guess,

718. I'd say it was some sort of animal—

719. - Animal attack! - Attack.

720. You heard me first, right?

721. I said animal attack.

722. Animal attack.

723. What kind of animal has this level of ferocity and power?

724. Well, if you know these parts like me,

725. you know that it was a, a, probably a deer.

726. This place is lousy with deer.

727. I think it was more likely a bear.

728. You hear that, Sheriff, a bear.

729. A bear, aren't you emBEARassed?

730. Do you have a brain?

731. A bear, a goddamn bear, my god.

732. Bear, where are you?

733. Come and get us!

734. Oh, Officer Genius over here

735. thinks it was a little cuddly, wuddly, little tiny bear.

736. Oh, bears smell fear.

737. I'm here, you do the math.

738. I tried to take some samples, but they were useless

739. since Deputy Gag Reflex got sick all over the DNA.

740. DNA, how do you mean, Margaret?

741. DNA, what, grr, what is that?

742. Well, we need to ID these two.

743. Any idea who they might be?

744. I believe I do.

745. That's what I was afraid of.

746. This car is registered to Stanley Mitchell.

747. Oh.

748. Oh no.

749. All due respect, Sheriff,

750. I know Stanley Mitchell better than I'd like to and I'm uh

751. pretty sure that he's about 25 years older

752. than the boy belongin' to this head.

753. It's not Stanley.

754. It's his son.

755. - Son. - Jerry.

756. It's his son, Jerry Mitchell.

757. It's his son, Jerry Mitchell.

758. Dollars to donuts, you find out

759. who Jerry Mitchell's sweetie is,

760. and you will identify the girl.

761. That girl is Walter Jenkins—

762. The girl is Walter Jenkins?

763. The girls I Walter Jenkins' daughter.

764. Daughter.

765. - Sally— - Sally Jenkins

766. is here, guaranteed.

767. Sally and Jerry sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

768. So uh, pretty sure my work is done here.

769. So, I'm gonna keep it movin'

770. and you two can dilly dally all over the details,

771. but I'm pretty sure I solved the mystery.

772. So, I'm gonna go have me a Tom Collins.

773. Shoot low, Jack, it's high octane.

774. What is it?

775. Just a bit of lunatic soup.

776. So, how was the scene with the paper shaker?

777. You get a little stank on your dangler?

778. A little what on my what now?

779. Did ya make it with her?

780. Well, I don't know.

781. If you stormed the cotton gin, you'd remember.

782. Yeah, but see, that's the thing.

783. I don't remember anything.

784. I remember going over her house,

785. and I remember throwing a rock at her face.

786. Then she came to the window— - Woah, dial back, Jack.

787. You pitched ground at her grill?

788. No, I threw a rock at her face.

789. Anyway, I was there to, you know,

790. give her my class ring and ask her to be my steady.

791. To be your steady?

792. And you gave her your class ring?

793. Well, not exactly.

794. That's the thing, it just goes blank.

795. Next thing I know, it's morning.

796. You know, it must've been all that foam we guzzled.

797. I ain't never heard of a cat

798. gettin' that butt toasted off half a brew-doggy.

799. Aw, leave him alone, Finn.

800. Hey, who wants to go swimmin'?

801. Me!

802. How 'bout you stee?

803. Wanna go swimmin'?

804. Well, sure, but we don't have any trunks.

805. Trunks?

806. Swim trunks?

807. What do you need swim trunks for?

808. - Come on. - To swim.

809. Show us what you got.

810. Show us what you got.

811. Oops, oops-a-daisy.

812. My man.

813. Jiminy!

814. Dr. Nancy, do these bites or scratches

815. look at all familiar to you?

816. I don't know, I'm not sure.

817. I'm sorry, I just don't know what could've done this.

818. Could it have been a bear?

819. No bear that I've ever seen.

820. A bear?

821. What about a deer?

822. Well, to be honest,

823. the markings most resemble that of a skunk,

824. but we'd be talkin' about an impossibly large skunk here.

825. I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful.

826. It's okay, Dr. Nancy.

827. Oh, I hope you find what did this.

828. Of course, thank you again for your time.

829. Well, looks like we gotta get back

830. to the drawin' board, right Sheriff?

831. You know, go back to the beginnin',

832. look at it all from a different angle.

833. You know, 'cause I'm thinkin' maybe it wasn't

834. a ground animal but a sky animal, like maybe a seagull.

835. We can make a list of all the animals

836. known to inhabit these woods

837. and then do a Google image search for their markings.

838. Hmm.

839. What in blazes is a Google?

840. Um, what?

841. Google?

842. Did I, Google, I don't, that's a search thing—

843. I have seen it.

844. You look for Segonku.

845. Excuse me?

846. The creature you seek, Segonku, the one who squirts.

847. Sheriff, this woman is obviously booby

848. - hatch material. - No, let's hear her out.

849. Yeah, okay, Maggie, let's hear the lady out.

850. You know this creature?

851. I have seen it.

852. He came in the day before today.

853. The day before today?

854. Oh, uh, yesterday!

855. She means yesterday, Sheriff.

856. Here, this man, he brought in an animal named Turbo.

857. He is Segonku.

858. You know, Curtis has a dog named Turbo, same spelling.

859. Brought him here yesterday, too.

860. Boy, that would be a funny coincidence.

861. Oh dear.

862. Deer, I told you it was a deer!

863. They're getting naked.

864. They're just some real wild birds, Jack.

865. Like, radioactive, man.

866. Which ones you got designs on?

867. 'Cause I'm a wide open prairie, so if you,

868. Hey, that hittin' your olfactories, man?

869. I think there might be a

870. skunk.

871. Finally.

872. Sheriff Albright.

873. Good day, Mary Beth.

874. I was just looking for Curtis.

875. He said he came by to study.

876. Is he still here?

877. Still, never was is more like it.

878. Stop your lies!

879. We know you hidin' him.

880. - Gary. - She's lying, Sheriff.

881. Stifle.

882. Never was?

883. Yes, Sheriff, he was due here hours ago but never showed.

884. Jeepers, you don't thinks something's happened to him?

885. Oh, like you don't know.

886. Give him up, or you go in the slammer.

887. - That's enough, Gary. - But she's lyin', Sheriff.

888. - That's it. - I'm on to you, little girl.

889. Gary, go wait down by the sidewalk.

890. - No, but that's it, she's a, - Now!

891. Margaret, go with him, make sure he stays down there.

892. Come on, Deputy Gary.

893. I'm a be watchin' you.

894. Yeah, well, you got strong eyes,

895. you can see her

896. - from the sidewalk. - My eyeballs are Super

897. - Deputy strong. - They're really impressive.

898. When was the last time you saw him?

899. Last night.

900. Mary Beth, Curtis was at home last night.

901. I told ya she was lyin', Sheriff.

902. You're a liar, little girl.

903. Mary Beth, nobody's gonna get in trouble,

904. but I do need all the facts.

905. - What time last night? - Real late, like 10 p.m.

906. 22:00 hours?

907. What was Curtis doing out at that unholy hour?

908. I never found out, he was in such a rush.

909. I think on account of the skunk.

910. Skunk?

911. I didn't see it, but I sure did smell it,

912. right as Curtis left.

913. Mary Beth, can you think of any place

914. that Curtis may have gone or anybody he might be with?

915. Well, Curtis has been hanging out with this guy recently,

916. - real creep, if you ask me. - And who's this guy?

917. Finn Potter.

918. Potter?

919. Don't touch me, no, you wouldn't,

920. no, you stinky skunk.

921. Oh, I'm so scared!

922. What we doin' at Harold Potter's house?

923. Curtis

924. has been spending a lot of time with his son, Finn lately.

925. Real trouble maker, something amusing, Margaret?

926. - Harold Potter? - That's right.

927. - Harry Potter! - Sure, Harry Potter.

928. Harry Potter.

929. Well, what's the joke?

930. I, Harry Potter, Hermione, and Hogwarts.

931. What am I saying?

932. What is, what is that?

933. That's,

934. You're a strange dame, Margaret.

935. Listen, you two stay here.

936. This one, I have to handle on my own.

937. Potter!

938. Potter!

939. Sheriff Albright, Potter.

940. Better open up this door, I know you're in there.

941. I'm Sheriff Albright.

942. Open up this door.

943. I know you're in there, Potter.

944. Open up this door or I'll be forced to kick it in.

945. Potter!

946. Potter, this is your last warning.

947. We got the place surrounded.

948. Going somewhere, Potter?

949. You know, I could have you arrested for fleeing the law.

950. Well, I didn't do nothin'

951. unless climbin' out a window is illegal.

952. All right, so what do I owe this pleasure?

953. What did I do this time?

954. Oh, it's your luck day, Potter.

955. I'm not here for you.

956. Oh, social call, good then.

957. I think I got some of the good stuff around here.

958. Let me see, now, where did I put it?

959. You don't mind the bottle, do ya?

960. 'Cause I am fresh outta glasses.

961. Your choice, here it goes.

962. I'm looking for your son.

963. Oh, Harold Jr., that meat head?

964. What the hell he do this time?

965. No, not Harold Jr.

966. Teddy, oh, let me see,

967. some bar maid probably said

968. that he got, - Not Teddy.

969. - Earl? - No.

970. - Travis? - No.

971. - Oh, Zachary, Zachary! - It's not Zachary either.

972. Not Zachary.

973. - Tobias? - No.

974. - London? - No.

975. - Neil? - No.

976. - Paul? - No.

977. - Mitch? - No.

978. Lebron?

979. You don't have a kid named Lebron.

980. Saul?

981. No.

982. - Frank? - No.

983. - Mario? - No.

984. Luigi?

985. - Harold Jr. II? - No.

986. Harold Jr. II Jr.?

987. Finn.

988. Who?

989. Finn.

990. Your son, Finn Potter.

991. Oh, ah, Finn!

992. Okay, I'm sorry.

993. That weirdo, what did he do?

994. Bore somebody to death while he was readin' his poetry?

995. I'm tired of your games, Potter.

996. Where's Finn?

997. Maybe I don't know.

998. I believe that you do.

999. Well, Harold Jr. II believes in the Tooth Fairy,

1000. but that doesn't mean she's gonna come on down here

1001. and get her knees dirty.

1002. All right, that's it.

1003. Up against the roof and spread 'em.

1004. I'm not that kinda girl, Sheriff.

1005. Oh, you don't wanna do this.

1006. Oh, well you ain't leavin' much choice, now are ya?

1007. You can come quietly.

1008. Well, I ain't never been one to come quietly, Sheriff.

1009. You can just ask your wife.

1010. Oh, look, there she is!

1011. Hello!

1012. You struck me!

1013. Why did you do that, Harold?

1014. Why did you strike me?

1015. Oh, come on, I didn't hit you that hard.

1016. I never done anything to you, Harold.

1017. Can't stand up.

1018. Sucker!

1019. Oh, my nards!

1020. I ain't ever gonna be able to have more kids.

1021. Look at that, you're wreckin' my house.

1022. Sign here, Potter's.

1023. There we go.

1024. And looky here, what's conveniently placed.

1025. Yeah.

1026. Here what we gonna do.

1027. We gonna let the Sheriff,

1028. not gonna resist when he puts cuffs on you,

1029. and you gonna tell us where your boy Finn is.

1030. Do I make myself clear?

1031. Do I make myself clear?

1032. - Yes. - Yes, what?

1033. - Yes, sir. - Try again!

1034. - Yes, I— - The correct answer is,

1035. yes, Super Deputy.

1036. Now, say it, say it, yes, Super Deputy.

1037. Say the goddamn phrase.

1038. All right, Deputy Gary, you've done a great job.

1039. I think he knows.

1040. I'll let it go for this time.

1041. All right.

1042. Where is he?

1043. Oh!

1044. Look at that.

1045. Lucky me.

1046. He's at Old Man Knickerbocker's pool.

1047. Curtis.

1048. There he is!

1049. Gary, no!

1050. Sheriff, I had him.

1051. That's his son.

1052. Oh, we don't know that

1053. - for sure. - Don't we?

1054. Didn't that weird Jamaican lady say that?

1055. What more evidence do you need?

1056. What's our next move, Sheriff?

1057. We wait, Office Maggie.

1058. We wait.

1059. Actually, no.

1060. - We gotta keep moving. - We keep movin'.

1061. Stay one step ahead of him.

1062. How do we do that?

1063. You were right, Office Maggie.

1064. That's what makes you so good.

1065. No problem.

1066. This weird Jamaican lady knows something.

1067. We need to get back

1068. - to the vet. - To the vet.

1069. We're going to the vet.

1070. Here we come!

1071. I'm not gonna hurt you, I promise!

1072. - I just need your help, please! - No closer!

1073. Okay, I'm sorry.

1074. You called me something the other day, Secaucus?

1075. Segonku, the one who squirts.

1076. You have been marked.

1077. The skunk, oh!

1078. But what happened to me?

1079. Well, legends say that when one is in a heightened state

1080. at the time of marking,

1081. one becomes Segonku when same heightened state returns.

1082. Heightened state?

1083. But what, what heightened state?

1084. You remember feeling that you had

1085. at the time of marking, yes?

1086. And you returned to Segonku

1087. when the same feeling happens, yes?

1088. Jiminy, oh what can I do to stop it?

1089. When one bears the mark, one always bears the mark.

1090. You must avoid that feeling

1091. that brings him out.

1092. Look what you made me do.

1093. Look at this, my shirt is soiled.

1094. Wait, what are you doing?

1095. Well, I can't wear this shirt like this.

1096. It's covered in coffee.

1097. You can't just, you can't just take your shirt off.

1098. You Americans, always so uptight.

1099. In my country, woman walk around

1100. without a shirt just like a man.

1101. Look, look, you really don't wanna do that.

1102. You really don't want to, you don't know what happens when.

1103. I'm without a shirt in a public place,

1104. and the world has not exploded.

1105. Amazing!

1106. Humuna, humuna, humuna, humuna,

1107. humuna, humuna, humuna, humuna, ahh!

1108. You need a tissue?

1109. No, I'm good, I don't need a tissue.

1110. I don't need a tissue, I'm good.

1111. Maybe I need a tissue.

1112. Curtis Albright, just what do you think you're doing?

1113. Sorry, Mary Beth, I need to tell you something.

1114. It's the middle of the day, dumb dumb.

1115. You coulda just gone to the door.

1116. You're in real trouble, you know?

1117. Your father and the whole police force

1118. were here looking for you.

1119. Then he knows.

1120. Knows, knows what?

1121. Curtis, you've been acting very peculiar,

1122. very peculiar indeed.

1123. Look, I don't, I don't know if I can tell you.

1124. Well, sure you can, silly.

1125. You can tell me any— - No, don't touch me!

1126. Heavens to Betsy, Curtis, what's the matter with you?

1127. Look, I'll tell you.

1128. But you're gonna wanna sit down for this.

1129. Do you remember last summer

1130. we went to that movie at the drive-in?

1131. I Was a Teenage Werewolf?

1132. Remember, I had nightmares for months.

1133. That's happening to me.

1134. Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a noodle in my eye.

1135. - You're a werewolf? - Not a werewolf.

1136. I'm a wereskunk.

1137. Oh, Curtis, you're the absolute most!

1138. Where is it?

1139. Where's the hidden camera?

1140. Oh, where is it?

1141. You got me on Candid Camera!

1142. Oh my god, Curtis Albright, you are positively boss.

1143. Look, I hate to break it to you,

1144. but there's no hidden camera.

1145. I'm tellin' you the god's honest truth.

1146. You're a wereskunk, that's the god's honest truth?

1147. What happens, the moon goes full,

1148. and you turn into a skunk?

1149. Please.

1150. Well, not exactly.

1151. It happens when I'm, when I'm feeling a certain way.

1152. And what way is that?

1153. Okay, it happens when I'm feeling randy.

1154. Who's Randy?

1155. And why are you going around feeling him?

1156. No, no, no, no, when I'm,

1157. when I'm turned on.

1158. Like a radio?

1159. Oh, you're talking like that creepo Finn Potter again.

1160. Mary Beth, it happens when I'm aroused,

1161. when I'm sexually aroused!

1162. Curtis!

1163. You devil!

1164. A+ for creativity.

1165. I'll give you that much.

1166. I don't follow.

1167. Curtis, if wanted to fool around,

1168. all you had to do was ask.

1169. Mary Beth, I wasn't asking you,

1170. wait,

1171. really?

1172. Well, sure.

1173. I mean, we're not gonna make it or anything.

1174. It's not like we're steadies.

1175. But we could do other stuff.

1176. Like what?

1177. Well, I could blow you.

1178. - What's that? - Well, it's when.

1179. Jiminy, people do that?

1180. Sure, Paula Goldie does it to Ian Stuart all the time.

1181. My stars, and you'd do that to me?

1182. Well, sure, do you wanna give it a try?

1183. Okay.

1184. All right.

1185. Boy, this is sure gonna be neato.

1186. Oh, oh no, no, no!

1187. Oh, see, I told you!

1188. I told you, I told you this would happen!

1189. I can never be your steady, never!

1190. Don't think sexy thoughts, don't think sexy thoughts,

1191. don't think sexy thoughts.

1192. Don't think sexy thoughts!

1193. Oh.

1194. Don't think sexy thoughts, don't think sexy thoughts,

1195. don't think sexy thoughts.

1196. Don't think sexy thoughts, don't think sexy thoughts.

1197. Don't think sexy thoughts, don't think sexy thoughts,

1198. don't think sexy thoughts.

1199. Tell me again, why we don't have police cars, Sheriff.

1200. It wasn't in our budget, Gary.

1201. Okay, here's what we're gonna do.

1202. We're gonna split up.

1203. No, Gary, we're gonna split up.

1204. That's what I just said, Sheriff.

1205. - Stop it, Gary. - What, as you said split,

1206. we're gonna split, I— - That's enough.

1207. Ooh.

1208. I'm gonna go to my home, see if he went there.

1209. You two are gonna check out—

1210. The Appliance Mart!

1211. The Appliance Mart, Gary?

1212. - The Pruitt residence. - Oh.

1213. He may have gone back there for Mary Beth.

1214. Okay, is it a plan?

1215. Let's move out.

1216. I did too say we should split up.

1217. I know, I heard you.

1218. So, why didn't you say somethin'?

1219. Because I don't like you.

1220. You know, that's an awfully harsh thing to say.

1221. You hit me right in my heart chord.

1222. Aw, take it back, Officer Maggie, take it back!

1223. Maggie!

1224. Maggie!

1225. Is everything all right?

1226. Have you seen Curtis?

1227. Well, yeah, he's about 5'8",

1228. he's got dark brown— - Recently?

1229. Well, not since this morning.

1230. So, he hasn't been back here at all?

1231. Oh, is everything all right?

1232. Does this have something to do with those missing kids?

1233. I'll explain later.

1234. Right now, I have to get to the Pruitt residence!

1235. Well, must you?

1236. I'm sorry, my dear, I must.

1237. I know about a crime.

1238. Is that so?

1239. Yes, a man came in here while I was setting the table.

1240. Took me upstairs, tore my clothes off,

1241. and had his way with me.

1242. By god, who is this man?

1243. It was you.

1244. It was, no, I been, ooh, ooh.

1245. Don't think sexy thoughts, don't think sexy thoughts

1246. don't think sexy thoughts, don't think sexy thoughts,

1247. don't think sexy thoughts, don't think sexy thoughts.

1248. Open up, little girl, we know you in there.

1249. If I was sheriff, this thing would already be dead.

1250. Open up, little girl.

1251. If I was sheriff, I'd— - Appliance Mart?

1252. Back there, you suggested we go look at the Appliance Mart.

1253. So?

1254. - Why? - What you mean why?

1255. Why would a skunk go to an Appliance Mart?

1256. Isn't it obvious?

1257. To purchase a big screen smell-o-vision.

1258. Ooh, I just love your big, red nose.

1259. And my big, red nose loves your big, bushy beard.

1260. Ooh, well, I've got another big, bushy beard

1261. that you're big, red nose is gonna like even better.

1262. Ooh, the double-bearded woman!

1263. Where is it?

1264. Where is it?

1265. Thoughts, don't think sexy thoughts,

1266. don't think sexy thoughts, don't.

1267. Open up, little girl, I'm warning you.

1268. One, two, three,

1269. four, five, six, seven—

1270. What are you gonna count to?

1271. Usually people give a number,

1272. I'll give ya to the count of three.

1273. - What are you doin'? - Texting the sheriff.

1274. What in blazes is that thing?

1275. Oh, I don't know.

1276. It was in my pocket, I've never seen it—

1277. Help, Deputy Gary, help, let me go!

1278. Uh oh, oh, I feel the circus is coming to town.

1279. Time to tame the lion.

1280. Tame the lion, all right, tame it.

1281. Don't, don't, don't, don't think sexy thoughts.

1282. Oh, you are so naughty!

1283. Don't think sexy thoughts, don't think sexy thoughts.

1284. Don't

1285. think

1286. sexy

1287. thoughts

1288. What was that?

1289. I think it came from the shed.

1290. Ooh.

1291. - Curtis! - Ooh.

1292. It's our boy!

1293. Come on.

1294. You're gotta get off me.

1295. - This is no time. - Well, I'm stuck.

1296. I don't know what you want me to do.

1297. I can't get rid of it

1298. - that quick. - Honey,

1299. you're erect inside of me.

1300. What would you like

1301. - me to do? - You have to remove

1302. yourself from it.

1303. - I can't just get rid of it. - Well, I there's no sense

1304. removal going on, are we in the circus or not?

1305. But.

1306. You gonna make me slap you silly?

1307. Let's just finish real quick.

1308. - Okay. - Okay.

1309. I'm done.

1310. Curtis, Curtis, Curtis, Curtis!

1311. Curtis, it's me, it's your pop.

1312. Well, don't you recognize me?

1313. Curtis, it's okay, it's okay, Curtis.

1314. We'll make you a human again.

1315. Curtis, Curtis, no.

1316. Think about it, your mother's Italian.

1317. They're very hairy people.

1318. I'm sure you get it from her.

1319. Curtis, Curtis, please!

1320. Tree, tree, that's better!

1321. Curtis, please stop!

1322. It's your pop, please, somebody help me!

1323. Please, please Curtis!

1324. Woah, no, no, Curtis, please!

1325. Please, it's okay, son!

1326. Curtis, Curtis, oh no.

1327. Ah, no, Curtis, don't.

1328. I'm ticklish.

1329. You feelin' lucky, skunk?

1330. This what we gonna do.

1331. Sheriff, why are you wearin' a clown costume?

1332. The wife and I like to

1333. dress as carnie folk when we make love.

1334. Oh, fun, well, if you ever lookin' for a third,

1335. I got a lion tamer suit at home.

1336. Lion tamer, we'll think about it, thanks, Gary.

1337. Bitchin'.

1338. Anyways, stink boy, this what we gonna do.

1339. Oh, oh, what the hell?

1340. Oh dear, oh what the hell?

1341. Macaronis, macaronis!

1342. Oh, my lord!

1343. Gary!

1344. Gary, no!

1345. That's my son!

1346. And his steady girl.

1347. It is pretty sweet, isn't it?

1348. It sure is, Gary.

1349. It sure is.

1350. Gary, I— - Shhh, don't think.

1351. Did you know that Officer Maggie was a robot?

1352. After all I've seen today, Gary,

1353. I'll believe just about anything.

1354. Heaven.

1355. Please, please no, Curtis please.

1356. Not my rubber nose.

1357. I can see the string.

1358. Okay, okay suspense in disbelief.