I Swear (2025)

1. Ladies and gentlemen,

2. I invite you to proceed to the Grand Hall.

3. You look fabulous. You look very handsome.

4. I can't do it, Dottie. Could we not pick it up another time?

5. - They could deliver to my house. John, it's an MBE, not a pizza.

6. You're being awarded one of the highest honours

7. anyone can receive.

8. Excuse me, pal, where's the exit?

9. - Directly down the hall. - Right. That's me off.

10. - John. - I'll embarrass myself, Dottie.

11. I'll say something I regret.

12. There's nothing you can say she hasnae heard before.

13. She's a woman of the world. She's a mum. She's a granny.

14. She's the queen of the United Kingdom.

15. Davidson, you stop this right now and listen to me, right?

16. You're here today because you deserve to be.

17. You've earned this title

18. as much as anyone else in this fancy palace.

19. It's starting.

20. Right, well, go save our seats.

21. - No. I can't do it, that's it. - Davidson!

22. - My lords, ladies... - You get your arse in there now,

23. and you make us proud.

24. Go on.

25. If I say something, it's your fault.

26. All right, it's always my fault.

27. Fuck the Queen!

28. - You're all right. - Sorry, everyone. Sorry, ma'am.

29. - Hi, Kenny. Morning, John. Late again.

30. Traffic, you know.

31. Traffic was terrible. Opal Fruits, one packet.

32. Opal Fruits, one packet, duly noted.

33. Morning!

34. How you doing?

35. - Hiya, John. Hiya.

36. You'll do your back in, you know.

37. - I'm all right. - ♪ How does it feel

38. You polish your boots for the big game, John?

39. Aye. Put dubbin on 'em and everything.

40. John, I need to take you shopping after football.

41. I'm on a short shift.

42. I can meet you at the bus stop when the game's finished.

43. - Have I got to? Yes, you've got to.

44. You're starting big school in two weeks.

45. I'm working at a house near the park this morning.

46. - I might watch you play later. Oh, brilliant.

47. Come on, come on! Aye, go at 'em! Come on, move.

48. Put a shift in. That's it.

49. - Jesus Christ! - Ref! Ref!

50. Don't tackle him in the box!

51. Outside the box! What are you doing?

52. - Oh! Absolute clown. - All right, Billie?

53. Napier's gave away another penalty.

54. It's all right, John'll save it.

55. Murder.

56. Come on, John!

57. - Come on, Johnny. - Come on, Johnny.

58. Yes! Yes, John!

59. Brilliant save, son, brilliant!

60. Good, good. Yes. That's it. Pull it together, lads.

61. We've still got time.

62. Come on.

63. Billie said it was

64. the best penalty save he'd ever seen.

65. Said he's got a pal at Berwick Rangers.

66. Tuck your shirt in, John.

67. I might even be able to get a professional goalkeeping trial.

68. Fix your tie, John.

69. Dad saw it. He went loopy.

70. He started punching the air and everything.

71. Hurry up.

72. How does it feel?

73. A bit weird. A bit...

74. - big, you know? - You need room to grow.

75. Keep still a minute.

76. That'll do.

77. - Can I get changed? - Yep.

78. Just need to find you some shoes now, John.

79. - I might go fishing later. - That's a nice thing to do.

80. Relax you a little.

81. How you feeling about starting big school, John?

82. - Bit nervous. - You'll be fine.

83. Just keep your head down, stay out of trouble.

84. Work hard, John.

85. Course I will. I always do.

86. Welcome to your first day at Galashiels Secondary School.

87. Today marks an anniversary.

88. The start of a journey that will define who you are.

89. It will determine what you achieve

90. for the rest of your life.

91. And it's my responsibility to make sure you leave here

92. having fully developed your potential.

93. With regard to your manners and your personal conduct,

94. I demand nothing but the highest standards.

95. - Do you understand? - Yes, sir.

96. - All right, Murray? - All right, John?

97. - How you doing? - Aye, good.

98. - I got extra chips. - You jammy git.

99. Ladies.

100. How's your first day at school, then?

101. All right.

102. - What's your name? - Why would I tell you?

103. Why would you tell me? Well...

104. Cos you might want to come to the pictures with me.

105. And how are you gonna pay for that, then?

106. I've got a paper round. I'm loaded.

107. Get lost.

108. He is. He's loaded.

109. Come on now, William. Make an effort.

110. What did you have for lunch, John?

111. Um... chips.

112. Just chips?

113. - Aye. - That's chips twice in one day?

114. Chips twice in one day?

115. We need to keep an eye on that. Don't want you getting spots.

116. - John. Sauce. - Hmm. Sorry, Mum.

117. So, uh, I spoke to Billie today.

118. His pal from Berwick Rangers, you know, the scout,

119. he's coming over to watch you play in goal.

120. - Serious? - Hm-hmm.

121. That penalty save must've done the trick.

122. Magic.

123. I dream of a Ledaean body

124. bent above a sinking fire, a...

125. a tale that she... told of a harsh reproof

126. or trivial event...

127. that changed some childish day to tragedy.

128. Uh, told, and it seemed...

129. - Told, and it seemed that... - John, you all right?

130. It seemed that our two natures blent into a...

131. In... into a...

132. - Into a... - John, what's going on?

133. - Someone electrified his chair. - Shh! John.

134. Permission to go to the toilet, please, miss.

135. Aye. Away you go and sort yourself out.

136. Come on!

137. - Leave me alone. - Do it. Do it.

138. - Piss off! - Do the tic thing one time.

139. - Come on. Stop it, man. - No, no, I've got it.

140. I've got it as well.

141. Look at John.

142. Piss off.

143. - No. - Just get lost.

144. Look at him.

145. - How's school, Sharon? - It's good, yeah.

146. Still got the same friends and that in your class, or...?

147. I mean, it's a wee bit different.

148. PE has changed the most. But I've still got...

149. John.

150. - What are you doing? - Um...

151. It's nothing. Don't worry about it.

152. What's all this nonsense?

153. I don't know.

154. - Don't play the fool. - I don't want to talk about it.

155. - John. - I...

156. - John, where are you going? - John.

157. Don't let your dinner get cold.

158. Right, everyone, come on. Keep eating.

159. What's he playing at?

160. John, what's the matter with you?

161. - Nothing. - There's obviously something.

162. Acting the fool at the table.

163. Well...

164. I've started doing this thing with my neck and my eyes.

165. Jumping. Twitching.

166. Well, you're not doing it now.

167. You're just imagining it, John.

168. Have a hot bath and an early night.

169. You'll be fine in the morning.

170. - All right, Kerry? - All right, John?

171. - This is my mum. - You're keen aren't you, hmm?

172. Asking my daughter on a date the first day of a new school.

173. - We're just watching a film. - Hmm. Is it suitable?

174. - Is it suitable for your age? - Aye, I think so.

175. Is there any swearing?

176. - Um... I don't think so. - You don't think so?

177. So what's it about then, this film?

178. It's about a man who dresses as a woman.

179. Well, that's not a good start, is it?

180. - You won't be watching that. - Mum. Jesus!

181. Language, Kerry.

182. Hey. I don't want any funny business, OK?

183. Ladies and gentlemen,

184. your projectionist tonight is Eric,

185. who has a hot, thirsty job which he does very well,

186. and, unlike you, hasn't time to get himself

187. a refreshing drink of Kia Ora. Thank you.

188. Suck my dick!

189. I'm sorry. Kerry.

190. I'm sorry, Kerry. I didn't realise what I did.

191. Get off me! Let go, you pervert!

192. - Sorry. - I told you no funny business!

193. This is ridiculous.

194. - Out. - Sorry.

195. Thank you.

196. Do you mind if I join you?

197. No, sit down, sit down.

198. So, am I right in assuming you're all first-year students?

199. Yes, sir.

200. - Settling in all right? - Yes, sir.

201. How are you finding the school dinners?

202. Fucking shite!

203. Uh... Um...

204. I'm... I'm sorry, sir. I didn't mean to, sir.

205. Uh, I...

206. - What's your name, young man? - Davidson, sir. Um...

207. John Davidson, sir.

208. Might I enquire as to which hand you write with, Mr Davidson?

209. All I ask from you, Mr Davidson,

210. is a reassurance that this never happen again.

211. Yes, sir. It won't, sir.

212. I'll spare you the embarrassment of contacting your parents

213. in your first week.

214. But if I have cause to summon you in here again...

215. - Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. - Get out.

216. John. Come here.

217. - What's going on with your neck? - Nothing. Just stiff neck.

218. Just stiff neck? What's wrong with your hand?

219. - Which one? - Which one?

220. The one you're not using to stop the ball hitting the net.

221. - Nothing, Billie. - Nothing, Billie?

222. - Aye. - Listen.

223. I've got a pal coming to watch. Need you on your best game.

224. - Yeah? - Aye, Billie. All good.

225. Right, come here. Come here. See what you got here?

226. Use both hands, yeah?

227. Both hands. I need you to use both of them.

228. - Yeah? Let's go, come on. - No worries.

229. Archie Gemmill-style. Come on.

230. - Come on, John, focus. - Both hands.

231. John, wake up, come on!

232. - Both hands. - What are you doing?

233. Two of them.

234. - Billie. - Gerry, how you doing?

235. - Is this the lad? - That's him. Johnny Davidson.

236. - Is he disabled? - No.

237. He's just a bit nervous, that's all.

238. Come on, John. Get eyes on him.

239. - Come on. Get in there. - Go, go, go.

240. You brought me all this way for that?

241. Gerry, he's usually great, I don't know what's wrong.

242. Gerry, give the boy a chance.

243. John, wake up! You're throwing this away, son.

244. He threw it away. Chance of a lifetime, what did he do?

245. - David, stop it. - Acted the clown.

246. Stop it.

247. That scout came all the way over from Berwick Rangers.

248. - He'll hear you. - I want him to hear me!

249. I was ashamed today!

250. I'm fed up with him, and I'm fed up with you an' all.

251. So it's all my fault, is it, that he didn't play well?

252. Why does he act like that?

253. Listen to you.

254. He's frightened of you, probably,

255. the way you shout and act.

256. Can I put my name down

257. to bring the class rabbit home from school?

258. It's too much responsibility, cleaning out the cage.

259. - Sorry. - John, stop.

260. - John. - Sorry.

261. Stop, please.

262. I don't mind picking up rabbit poo. It's just like currants.

263. - Fucking rabbit shite! - John!

264. Sorry. I'm sorry.

265. - You don't have to say that. - I didn't mean to.

266. This is what I was telling you earlier on, at the football.

267. What's this nonsense about?

268. - Oh! - John! What the hell?

269. Take your plate, get away from the table. I've had enough.

270. Swearing and spitting. Oh, it's disgusting.

271. You've had enough? I've had enough.

272. - Go on, then. - Aye, I will.

273. Off to the pub, as usual.

274. Just when you're needed.

275. Over by the fireplace. You eat there from now on.

276. Never use language like that in this house again, you hear me?

277. And you never spit at me again. Get down on the floor.

278. Get down on the floor, John!

279. - Mum, stop. - You don't need to shout.

280. Face the fireplace.

281. Face the fireplace.

282. If you want to spit, you spit in the hearth.

283. Not at me, not at your father, or your brother or sisters.

284. Sit down. You understand?

285. Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!

286. Fight, fight, fight, fight!

287. Get off me!

288. Break it up, now!

289. - Head teacher's office. - He swore at me!

290. - I can't help it! - That's enough.

291. I can't help it.

292. Sorry, sir. I cannae help it either.

293. He's a fucking freak. He started it. He swore at me.

294. I expect better. Do you understand?

295. - Yes, sir. - Get out.

296. Davidson.

297. Sit down, Davidson.

298. My opinion, should it be of interest to you...

299. I think you would be better served at a different school.

300. - It wasn't my fault, sir. - But it was.

301. It is, and it always will be,

302. as long as you continue to behave like this.

303. I will give you the opportunity here, now,

304. to admit that this is all imagined, invented,

305. purely for attention.

306. It's not, sir.

307. Think very carefully, Mr Davidson.

308. One last chance.

309. I can't help it.

310. Then there's nothing we can do for you.

311. If it is not a scam, you should be in an institution.

312. What is the matter with you, boy?

313. I don't know, sir.

314. If you do not stop this behaviour, prison waits.

315. And if not prison, something far worse.

316. The real world, Mr Davidson, outside of this school,

317. will not be as sympathetic as we have been.

318. - Do you understand? - Yes, sir.

319. I'll be in touch with your parents shortly. Out!

320. You cunt!

321. Mr Davidson.

322. Before you leave...

323. Now, before we have dinner,

324. I have something to tell you.

325. Your dad is leaving.

326. Leaving home, for good.

327. He's not coming back.

328. - Now eat your dinner. - Why?

329. Because of me.

330. It's because of me, Mum, isn't it?

331. It is what it is.

332. Because of me, though, isn't it?

333. Mum.

334. Answer me!

335. Fuck off.

336. I've prescribed diazepam, five milligrams, every three hours.

337. I don't understand, he's only 13.

338. All he did was fall in the river.

339. I'm not convinced he fell, Mrs Davidson.

340. - I'm going mad. - No. Don't be silly.

341. - I made Dad leave. - No, John. No.

342. Just...

343. I can't take it.

344. I just feel like killing myself.

345. No, don't say things like that.

346. Everything's going to be fine.

347. We're going to get you better

348. in next to no time.

349. It's OK, John.

350. Shh.

351. It's all OK.

352. Yes. Shh. Go to sleep now.

353. Go to sleep, John.

354. Go to sleep.

355. They're wondering what you were shouting at.

356. Shh, John. Come on.

357. Sixty-watt bulb will be fine.

358. Now, um, need to get some potatoes for dinner.

359. - What are they for? - For boiling.

360. - Two of those, they'll be fine. - I'll get four just in case.

361. - What else? - Fuck.

362. What else do I need, John?

363. I need some new toothpaste, Mum.

364. Have you finished your current one?

365. - Almost. - Wait till it's all gone.

366. before we get a new one.

367. - No worries. - Remind me to get Oxo cubes.

368. Is that for a stew? A stew!

369. - Stop it. - Sorry.

370. Johnny D. Jesus!

371. - How you doing, pal? - I thought I heard you.

372. - You good? - Yeah.

373. Hiya, Mrs Davidson. I'm Murray, John's pal from school.

374. Murray, how are you? I didn't recognise you. All grown up.

375. - You're looking well. - Thank you.

376. I've been over in Australia. I had a job and everything,

377. but my mum's not doing too well, so I had to come home.

378. I'm sorry about that, Murray.

379. It's all right. Fancy a wee drink, John?

380. Have a wee catch-up?

381. No, he can't drink, Murray. He's on medication.

382. - All right. - Hm-hmm.

383. - Could maybe just go for a walk? - A wank. That would be good.

384. Would you like that, John? A walk with Murray?

385. To give me a break? And I'll see you at home?

386. Hmm.

387. - It's good to see you. - See you at the front?

388. - Yeah. - Bye.

389. Now, I need to get some coffee.

390. It's difficult to explain. It's sort of like...

391. an impulse in my brain that makes me do things,

392. or say things that I shouldn't.

393. It's called Tourette's syndrome, apparently.

394. Well, that's good then, that they know what it is.

395. Aye. It was brilliant for the first few days

396. until they said there was no cure.

397. Jesus, John, I'm sorry.

398. So what happens now then?

399. - Looking for a job? - Aye, I'd love one,

400. but, you know, what can I do?

401. What will they let me do?

402. Anyway, tell us about Australia.

403. - Oh, it was mental. - Was it?

404. Travelled all about.

405. Saw the Great Barrier Reef, worked on a sheep farm.

406. - Wow. - I had to come back early cos...

407. I don't know if you ever met my mum, did you?

408. She's got cancer.

409. - Cancer of the liver. - Oh, Jesus, Murray.

410. Given her six months to live.

411. Sorry, pal.

412. Want to come in for something to eat?

413. - No, I'm good, thank you. - Come on.

414. I need to get back. I'm tired.

415. - Gotta take my tablets. Hitler! - OK. No worries.

416. You wanna do something soon,

417. - give me a shout. - No worries.

418. - See you soon, Murray. - See you.

419. Smells like spaghetti bolognese. Sure you don't want some?

420. No, I'm OK. Hitler!

421. Oi.

422. What's wrong with my spaghetti bolognese?

423. I'm sure it's great. I just need to be getting home.

424. What's your name?

425. John.

426. John, get your arse in here. Be on the table in two minutes.

427. No, honestly...

428. Fuck you in particular. Fuck, fuck you in particular.

429. God, John.

430. Come on, John.

431. Oh.

432. Come on in, love. I'm Dottie.

433. You're gonna die of cancer. Ha-ha!

434. For fuck's sakes, John. I'm sorry.

435. Right.

436. Well, it's nice to meet you too.

437. I'm really, really sorry.

438. You're all right.

439. You know, that's the most honest anyone's been with me in months.

440. Well, come on. Go and sit down.

441. Are you sure?

442. You're all right, I don't bite.

443. - Shall I take my shoes off? - No, we're not fancy in here.

444. John? It's getting cold.

445. Aye, you carry on. No worries.

446. Right. Let's eat.

447. Cunt.

448. What the hell was that?

449. Murray?

450. I don't know.

451. Mum, he's not been well. He's on medication.

452. I thought as much.

453. Do you wanna check if he's all right?

454. Can I not eat first?

455. Right, well, let's just give him a minute, OK?

456. John?

457. John...

458. Just breathe.

459. - Fuck off. - John.

460. Hello.

461. - Are you OK? - Aye, I'm fine, thank you.

462. I just wanted to say that, um...

463. - when I was in the bathroom... - Yeah, I know. I saw.

464. Right, well, um...

465. I just wanted to apologise for that.

466. You're all right. What medication are you on?

467. I'm not.

468. I've been a mental health nurse now for years.

469. So...

470. - It's called haloperidol. - Ooh.

471. I'm a lot worse if I don't take it.

472. I missed one today and that's probably why that happened.

473. Have you ever thought about stopping it long term?

474. Not really.

475. I don't think you are OK.

476. How are things at home?

477. Come on. I'll heat up your food.

478. Fucking pussy.

479. Mind your head.

480. Fuck's sakes, John.

481. That was good food.

482. Thanks, John.

483. Dottie's dying of cancer! Sorry, Dottie.

484. Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck off, you cunt!

485. - Sorry, everyone. - Right, John.

486. If you're gonna visit us more often, which I hope you are,

487. I need to speak to you about your language.

488. Aye, OK.

489. We have one rule in this house.

490. And that's if you do anything you can't help,

491. you never, ever have to apologise for it.

492. If you're out in the street with people who don't understand you,

493. then fine, you know, apologise, whatever, but in this house...

494. where we know you can't help it,

495. you know, where we know you don't mean it...

496. well, it all means diddly squat.

497. It's the apologising that drives me mad.

498. You don't need to apologise.

499. OK?

500. OK.

501. OK?

502. Aye, OK.

503. - Thank you. - Great. Thank you.

504. John, leave that. We're starting.

505. Aye, just one second.

506. I've told John that he can stay here.

507. Tonight?

508. Aye, tonight, or for good, if he wants.

509. - Mum. - What?

510. Have you lost your mind?

511. With everything you've got going on?

512. The way I see it is like this, I've got six months to live.

513. I can sit here feeling sorry for myself,

514. watching Neighbours and eating Pringles,

515. or I can help this lad.

516. - Where's he gonna sleep? - The box room,

517. if he doesn't mind pink.

518. John, do you know blackjack?

519. - Is that pontoon? - It is.

520. Aye, I can play that.

521. I've got two aces.

522. I'm sorry, everyone.

523. No apologies.

524. Right.

525. We'll just pretend we didn't hear that, shall we, Murray?

526. Yeah.

527. Chris?

528. Yeah.

529. Great, we're all agreed.

530. Hit me.

531. Hit me again.

532. As we said in practice, very fast...

533. - How was Murray, John, hmm? - Hmm.

534. Lots of stories from his adventure, I expect.

535. John?

536. Lots of stories from his adventure, hm?

537. - I'm moving out. - What did you say?

538. I'm moving out.

539. I'm going to live at Murray's house.

540. If I didn't know any better, I'd assume

541. that was one of your nonsensical tics.

542. His mum, Dottie, said I should discuss it with you first but...

543. that's what I'm going to do.

544. Hmm. I thought Murray said his mum was sick.

545. She is. She's got cancer.

546. Oh.

547. I think you're being naive, John.

548. They're looking for someone to look after her.

549. Is that what this is all about? Is this her idea, is it?

550. No, it's what I want.

551. But you're needed here, John.

552. Your brother and sisters are gone, your dad's left,

553. and I'm not getting any younger.

554. I'm stopping the drugs as well.

555. Well, I've heard it all now. Was that Murray's mum's idea?

556. - She understands, she's a nurse. - Oh, is she?

557. And what's this, hmm?

558. I'm a nurse, John. Fifteen years.

559. And I'm also your mother.

560. Without your tablets, you punch, you swear,

561. and spit and upset people. You forgotten that, John?

562. I still do all that now, Mum.

563. You do it less when you're on the tablets, John!

564. Murray's mum has no idea

565. how hard it is to cope with you.

566. I need a break.

567. You need a break.

568. - I'm sorry. - John.

569. I like black, what can I say?

570. Well, then this is brilliant.

571. I'm not gonna have to do any more washing-up

572. now you've moved in.

573. Aye, you can fuck off, Murray. And that wasn't a tic.

574. So you've never been out in Gala then?

575. - No. - You never been to the Bizz?

576. - Are you fucking deaf? - The Golden Lion? The Harrows?

577. You've never lived, mate.

578. I went to the Golden Lion once, with my dad, for a pint,

579. - but that was years ago. - Well, that doesn't count.

580. The day you're off those pills, me and you, out on the randan.

581. Man, can't wait.

582. Was that a tic?

583. Course it was.

584. That was just me being stupid.

585. - I'm coming for you! - Don't! Don't! Don't!

586. No, don't!

587. - Look at the state of me! - Aye, you look great.

588. Oh, God!

589. - Sorry, Dottie. - It's all right.

590. - Really ticky. - I'm not surprised.

591. You're almost weaned off the tablets.

592. - How do you feel in yourself? - I feel better. Sleeping better.

593. - Less headaches and that. - Good.

594. That's what we want to hear. Right, get me some grapes.

595. - Grapes. - Oh, God.

596. - Do you want red or green? - Uh, green, please.

597. John, is there lentils in that, or is there not?

598. Um...

599. No, you're fine with that one, Dot.

600. Great. Two more of those.

601. Clean-up on aisle five, please.

602. All right, Suzy? How you doing today?

603. - Good, John. How are you? - Good. I find you attractive.

604. - How are you, Dottie? - I'm good, love. How are you?

605. - Good. You keeping well? - I don't care.

606. - How's your mum? - She's a cunt.

607. - Give her my love, won't you? - Fuck off.

608. Show me your knockers. Fuck off.

609. Right, John. Oh, right, now, chicken stock.

610. Chicken's cock.

611. Crap.

612. - Sorry, Dottie. - It's all right.

613. You can't stand on my right, you know that.

614. - All right. - I did tell you that.

615. It's my fault now, is it?

616. You've given me a thick lip, you numpty.

617. Sorry, Dot.

618. But you can't be on medication all your life,

619. you know, bottling everything up.

620. - What sort of life is that? - I fucked that up, as usual.

621. No, you didn't.

622. - How's your lip? - It's fine.

623. It's my fault for standing on the wrong side of you.

624. Mum!

625. John.

626. How are you? Dottie, this is my mum.

627. It's nice to meet you, Mrs Davidson.

628. - I'm Murray's mum. - Pussy.

629. - Sorry, Mum. - How are you, John?

630. It's been a while since you came to visit.

631. I know. Um, maybe I'll pop over this weekend.

632. Um, John.

633. Why don't you go to the post office and get me some stamps?

634. That should be enough.

635. I'll see you soon, Mum. See you next weekend.

636. Bye, John.

637. I can see he's off the medication.

638. He stopped it gradually.

639. He feels better for it.

640. He's settled in well. We love having him around.

641. John says you're a nurse.

642. That's right, yeah.

643. Patience of a saint.

644. Whatever patience I had, it was used up years ago.

645. Aye, well,

646. I was at Dingleton Hospital five years, mental health nurse.

647. - So you know there's no cure? - Aye.

648. Hm-hmm. And you've not been well yourself.

649. Oh, I'm fine.

650. The punching, spitting, swearing.

651. It's a lot to take on in your condition.

652. We're helping each other.

653. Well, I'd be grateful

654. if you would ask John to visit home more often.

655. - Aye. I will. - Hmm.

656. What's this? Top of the Pops?

657. I'm off the medication. Murray's going to take me out clubbing.

658. So you're perfecting your dance moves?

659. - Aye. What do you think? - Great.

660. I'll leave you to it.

661. Wait.

662. - What are you doing? - Smartening myself up.

663. No, take it out now.

664. These jeans feel weird, Murray, round the crotch.

665. When we get in there, John,

666. can you just relax and don't do anything weird?

667. - I won't. - Yeah?

668. - Yeah. - Good man.

669. All right.

670. - Shall I put this in here? - Put it away, John.

671. Right, this is us now. Come on. Thank you.

672. - There you go. - Thank you.

673. - What do you think? - I love it, man.

674. I can feel that bass in my chest.

675. Yeah. Wait, I'll go and get us a drink. You get us a seat.

676. No worries.

677. Two pints of Tennent's, please.

678. What's your name?

679. - What? - What's your name?

680. - Marie. - Can I buy you a drink?

681. - What? - Can I buy you a drink?

682. Sure.

683. Pernod and black, please, and my pals will take the same.

684. John.

685. You don't hang about.

686. - Are you impressed? - Aye.

687. Right, they want three Pernod and black.

688. OK, I'll get them, will I? Three Pernod and black, please.

689. Getting 'em now.

690. I'm so sorry, pal. Sorry.

691. - You fucking prick! - Oi!

692. Get your fucking hands off him! Get your fucking hands off him!

693. John!

694. Fuck off!

695. - Out of here! - Fucking wanker!

696. Fuck off.

697. - It wasn't him! - Fucking wanker!

698. John, are you OK, man?

699. Give us a kiss, you wanker.

700. You can't take him, it's not his fault.

701. I raped a girl in there. I didn't. I didn't rape anyone.

702. Hey, fuck off!

703. Hey, where are you gonna take him, man?

704. John, it's OK. John.

705. - Back, back! - All right.

706. John, phone us when you get there. My mum will sort it.

707. John, when you get there,

708. phone my mum, please.

709. John? Phone Mum.

710. Fuck.

711. You're a fucking pig!

712. I've seen your fucking bald spot!

713. Fuck off! Wanker!

714. You got some death wish, Johnny?

715. What's wrong with your back?

716. It's just a tic.

717. I know you better than that.

718. Let's see.

719. Oh, your face has gone down.

720. Is that all from the club?

721. Aye.

722. I will give Murray an earful when he wakes up,

723. letting you get in a state like that.

724. Don't do that, Dottie.

725. Don't give him a hard time.

726. It was the best night of my life. I loved it.

727. There you go.

728. Thanks.

729. I danced with this girl. Her name was Marie.

730. Well, I hope she was worth it,

731. because the other lad's dad's a solicitor.

732. They're taking it to court.

733. They said we'll know in a couple of months.

734. Oh, John, we can't keep

735. letting you get into trouble like this.

736. - I'm not going back on tablets. - And I'm not saying you should.

737. But you need a focus, you know...

738. You're better when you're keeping busy.

739. You need a job.

740. Dottie.

741. - Do you want a job? - Aye, I'd love one.

742. Great.

743. Tommy at the community centre is looking for an assistant.

744. They're interviewing next week. I'm putting your name down.

745. - I won't get it. - Well, somebody has to.

746. Not someone like me.

747. Listen, I'm going to fuck this up.

748. I know I'm going to fuck this up.

749. You're not. Right, we've waited long enough, John.

750. You're gonna have to go in.

751. Look, you want this job, right?

752. - Yeah. - You're gonna be great.

753. - I'm nervous. - I know, love. I know. Let's...

754. Well, let's do some breathing. All right?

755. I want you to close your eyes and breathe it all out.

756. Go on.

757. There we go. Now, I want you to imagine yourself on a beach.

758. Right, secluded beach.

759. And all you can hear

760. is the sound of the waves lapping on the shore.

761. And the sand, it's soft, and it's white and it's warm.

762. My feet are burning.

763. Right.

764. - How are you doing, Irene? - Yeah, all right, thanks.

765. - Is, um, Tommy already in? - He's in the hall.

766. Right, well, he's a bit nervous, so he might be more extreme.

767. - Hello! - But you'll get used to it.

768. - Understood. - How are you? How you doing?

769. - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you, too.

770. Oh!

771. I'm really, really sorry about that.

772. No worries, John.

773. This is Tommy, our caretaker.

774. - Oh! - Oop, sorry.

775. I'll help you with that.

776. - Ooh, the boy's keen. - Tommy, this is John.

777. He's come to chat about the vacant position.

778. - All right, John? - Nice to meet you.

779. - How are you? - Good.

780. - Dottie told me a lot about you. - Good.

781. We'll leave you two together.

782. Aye. Irene, did you get that note about the blue roll?

783. - Yeah. No worries. - Right. Thank you.

784. - All right, John? - All right.

785. Right, OK, be on your desk.

786. - All right, John? - Yeah, good.

787. - John. - Nice to meet you.

788. You, too. Uh, right, I'll give you a rundown of the place.

789. Give me your cock in my hand. Fuck's sakes.

790. - So, this is the main hall. - Right.

791. And, uh, to be honest, a lot of what I do is health and safety.

792. You know, fire escapes, fire extinguishers, smoke alarms.

793. - Aye, easy peasy. - That kind of stuff, you know.

794. Uh, if you were to get the job, and it's an "if", remember,

795. because I'm seeing a few youngsters.

796. - I know. - OK. Just so you know that.

797. Wrinkly bastard.

798. You've got different events, uh, require different things.

799. So, like, a wee council meeting

800. could be just a couple of tables.

801. Then again, you could be laying out 200 seats for a pantomime.

802. - Or a school theatre production. - I'm a paedophile.

803. Sorry, it was a tic.

804. That's all right, it's OK.

805. - Want me to show you outside? - Aye, that would be good.

806. Right, good, good.

807. Um, uh...

808. I need to fix this. There we go.

809. Right, so, we plant these every spring,

810. so they need watering and weeding,

811. and fed. You know about plants?

812. Aye. I love plants. Two in my garden.

813. Right, good. Um, this area is the bane of my life.

814. Do you ever shut the fuck up?

815. Bane of my life, this area, because of this.

816. This provides cover for the smokers.

817. So the smokers come out here and they smoke.

818. And then what do they do? They drop their filthy fags.

819. Filthy fags! Filthy fags!

820. Filthy fags! I'm gay. No, I'm not. Yes, I am.

821. Filthy fags!

822. It's quite echoey in there, isn't it?

823. Aye, it is quite... echoey.

824. Just close the door behind you. You OK with dogs?

825. - Aye, I love dogs. - This is Rosie.

826. - Hello, Rosie. How are you? - Um...

827. You OK sitting there?

828. - You all right? - Yeah, I'm good.

829. - OK. Don't hit the furniture. - Sorry, sorry.

830. All right, OK, just take a seat.

831. Right.

832. So, now we get to the most important part

833. - of the interview, John. - Bum sex.

834. And that is, can you make a decent cup of tea?

835. Oh, aye. I'm good at tea.

836. I like it strong, lots of milk, three sugar.

837. No bother, Tommy.

838. And remember, put the water in first, then the milk.

839. OK, yeah. I do that as well.

840. Right, we'll get to you in a minute, John.

841. So, what have they told you about me?

842. Um, they just said that you've not been very well lately.

843. Right. The plan is to get in a youngster, you learn the job,

844. so that if I've got a hospital appointment, or whatever...

845. - Aye. - .. they can step in

846. - and keep things going. - Hmm, yeah.

847. Well, I read a bit about the job, you know,

848. and the hours and that.

849. - Interested in giving it a go. - Right.

850. - You reliable? - Aye.

851. I'm always early, always. I have to be, you know.

852. Cos I need someone to be here on time, to open up,

853. and to be here to lock up when I'm not here.

854. - Aye, any time. Any time. - Right.

855. - Good with your hands? - I was good at school, you know.

856. Woodwork and metalwork and that. But I'm keen to learn, and...

857. I don't mind getting my hands dirty, you know?

858. - OK. - I'm a lazy bastard.

859. - So, you don't mind hard work? - No.

860. In fact, when I'm concentrating on the job or a project,

861. I think it really helps me.

862. Right.

863. - That's hot. - Aye.

864. There you go, Tommy.

865. I'm really sorry. I'll take that one.

866. Aye, that's a good idea.

867. Hm-hmm.

868. I've seen quite a few youngsters for this job.

869. - Aye. - And I don't think

870. I'm breaking confidentiality when I tell you

871. that that is the best cup of tea yet.

872. Great.

873. So...

874. I use spunk for milk.

875. Right, so, have you any questions for me?

876. Um...

877. Oh, aye, yeah. Um...

878. I might have to take a few days off work, in a few months,

879. because I've got a court trial coming up.

880. - Just that. - So you've not even got the job

881. but already you're looking for a day off?

882. No, no. I'm just saying that... You're fucking it up, John.

883. Um, I'm just saying that, if I were to get the job,

884. I'd have to take that time. I just wanted to be honest.

885. Right.

886. - Get in a wee scrape, did you? - Aye.

887. I've had a bit of bad luck recently.

888. - Was it your fault? - No.

889. OK. That's good enough for me.

890. - Any other questions? - Um...

891. I can do the job, you know.

892. - I can do it. - Hm-hmm.

893. But just the obvious question, really, um...

894. Are you OK with the tics and the swearing?

895. What tics? What swearing?

896. Uh...

897. Just a wee word of warning, John. Uh...

898. You ever do that to my dog again,

899. and I'll tear your fucking heart out. Understand?

900. Right, well...

901. Thanks for seeing me.

902. OK, I'll get off, then.

903. All right, Rosie?

904. - Oh, hiya, John. - All right, pal. How you doing?

905. Good, good.

906. - Paper and Opal Fruits, please. - So, how you been keeping?

907. Ah, not so bad. Had a job interview today, Kenny.

908. - Oh, right. How did that go? - I hit the boss's dog.

909. Ach, well, never mind.

910. You can always come back to your old paper round.

911. I might hold you to that, Kenny. I'll see you later.

912. Take care. Yes, love?

913. Slut!

914. What did you say?

915. I'm sorry, miss. I've got Tourette's.

916. - What did you just say to me? - I'm really sorry.

917. I mean no harm. I can't help what I say.

918. - I'm sorry. - Fuck off!

919. Anyone home? Dot?

920. What are you doing?

921. Wait a minute, John.

922. You got it!

923. Tommy called. You got the job.

924. The job?

925. - You start on Monday. - Oh, my God!

926. Well done, John.

927. - Are you serious? - Aye.

928. - You deserve it. - Well done, Davidson.

929. I can't believe that. It went so bad.

930. You deserve that.

931. - And now you've... - God, I've got a job.

932. I don't wanna steal your thunder...

933. - Aye, but you will. - Um...

934. Chris and I went to the hospital today.

935. You're dying of cancer, you old fucker.

936. I'm not, John. Um... They made a mistake.

937. It's not cancer.

938. It's called haema...

939. Haemanagi... ngioma.

940. Ham shandy, you cunt.

941. What is it, love?

942. Haemangioma. You know, it's a lump.

943. But anyway, it's not cancer.

944. It looks like cancer, but it's not.

945. Come here.

946. I love you, Mum.

947. I love you all!

948. - I can't believe that. - All right, John, here. Um...

949. Go to the Chinese and get what anyone wants.

950. A banquet. It's my treat, double celebration.

951. - Thank you. See you later. - See you, bye.

952. Come here.

953. Fucking do him. Fucking do him!

954. - Fucking do him! - I am! Fucker!

955. - Who's this? - That fucking...

956. Move, move, move!

957. Move, move!

958. Who you calling a fucking slut now, eh?

959. Fuck you!

960. Fucking go, get out of here!

961. Think you're a fucking tough guy, eh?

962. Take the fucking warning.

963. You've been fucking warned.

964. John, it's all right.

965. It's all right.

966. Dottie's here. I'm here.

967. Hmm.

968. Sweetheart.

969. I'm gonna have to call your mum.

970. - No. - John.

971. - No. - John, I have to.

972. You'll just worry her. It's fine.

973. That job starts on Monday.

974. Tommy says you're to take as long as you need, hm?

975. Job's yours.

976. - It's not going anywhere. - That's good.

977. Oh, love, love. You're all right, you're all right.

978. Come on, sweetheart, calm down.

979. You're all right. Shh.

980. I know.

981. I know.

982. It's all right.

983. You're all right, hey?

984. Come on. Shh. Come on.

985. Come on.

986. I know. Hmm?

987. I'm tired of this, Dottie.

988. I'm so tired.

989. I know you are, love. I know.

990. How you getting on with those chairs, son?

991. Aye, no bother, Tommy.

992. Oh, my God.

993. You've got them straighter than I could ever have got them.

994. Gotta be straight, Tom.

995. I gotta count them as well. Gotta be ten chairs, four rows.

996. An even number, otherwise it's not right.

997. Is it the numbers that gets to you, or is it the shape?

998. Ah, it's all of it. If it's not right,

999. then I just think bad things are going to happen.

1000. Like what?

1001. Well, sometimes I'm putting my hand under boiling water,

1002. and I've gotta do it four times, otherwise you're going to die.

1003. - Excuse me? - I know.

1004. But, like, another thing I do,

1005. and this is really weird, is I'm walking down the street

1006. and I see a lamppost, and say it's not straight

1007. or it's at the wrong angle,

1008. or a different colour or something, I have to kiss it.

1009. - You have to kiss a lamppost? - Yeah.

1010. Ah, you never told me that at your interview.

1011. - You never asked. - Yeah.

1012. And it's always the tics that cause the problem?

1013. Aye, yeah, always the tics.

1014. You know what I was thinking? Tell you what I was thinking.

1015. How would you feel about letting people into your head

1016. the way you let me into your head?

1017. - Nah, I can't do that. - No, hear me out.

1018. Cos I don't think Tourette's is the problem.

1019. I think the problem is we don't know enough about Tourette's.

1020. So, if you don't educate the police

1021. and the doctors and the teachers,

1022. if you don't educate them,

1023. - nothing's gonna change. - So what do you want me to do?

1024. Walk into a police station calling them "pigs",

1025. or into a school and say, "I'm a paedo"?

1026. Yes, abso-fucking-lutely. There, you see?

1027. You see? You're not the only one that can swear.

1028. I swear when I feel strongly about something,

1029. when I feel passionate about something,

1030. and I feel strongly about this.

1031. Why don't you stop giving a flying fuck

1032. about what people think about you and educate them?

1033. Ya cunt, you.

1034. See what I did there? That's emphasis.

1035. - I saw that. - Ya cunt, you.

1036. - Go on. - Ya cunt, you.

1037. I put a bit of leg movement in there.

1038. - Yeah, you got a carabiner. - Fucking cunt, you.

1039. I need that time off, Tom, for the day in court.

1040. I know, I saw that. You OK about it?

1041. Terrified.

1042. Fucking hell, John.

1043. - Sorry. - John.

1044. It's Christmas.

1045. Seriously. Jesus Christ almighty.

1046. Right, OK.

1047. What's next?

1048. What's next is keeping my balls protected.

1049. My client is now going to give evidence.

1050. Mr Davidson, will you please make your way

1051. to the witness box?

1052. Mr Davidson, will you take the oath?

1053. I will.

1054. Please raise your right hand, and repeat after me...

1055. I swear by Almighty God...

1056. I swear by Almighty God...

1057. - .. that I will tell the truth... - .. that I will tell the truth...

1058. - .. the whole truth... - No, I won't!

1059. Please, can someone explain the reason for this contempt?

1060. My lord, if I may,

1061. Mr Davidson, on occasion, shouts things uncontrollably.

1062. Impulsive comments. He neither means them or can control them.

1063. Sexist, homophobic, misogynistic...

1064. Don't forget racist, you wanker.

1065. And racist.

1066. Based on personal experience, I can assure you

1067. he is well versed in all manner of racist comments,

1068. many of which not even I have encountered,

1069. but all completely out of his control.

1070. We lodged production number 71

1071. detailing a condition known as Tourette's syndrome.

1072. Yes, I have read the document,

1073. but I have also considered production number 107

1074. - from Mr Barrowman... - Fuck, cunt.

1075. .. which claims that Tourette's syndrome

1076. is not a recognised condition.

1077. That it cannot be diagnosed,

1078. and therefore is irrelevant to this case.

1079. Thank you, my lord.

1080. Mr Davidson, the oath, one more time, if you please,

1081. exactly as it is pronounced by me.

1082. OK.

1083. Please raise your right hand, and repeat...

1084. I swear by Almighty God...

1085. I swear by Almighty God...

1086. .. that I will tell the truth...

1087. .. that I will tell the tru... You're a cunt!

1088. Mr Davidson, please leave the court.

1089. - That I will tell the truth. - Mr Davidson,

1090. please leave my court.

1091. Mr Davidson, if you do not remove yourself from my court,

1092. I will have you man-handled. Mr Davidson,

1093. - please leave my court. - I swear by Almighty God...

1094. I swear by Almighty God that I will tell the truth.

1095. - Mr Davidson! - Cunt!

1096. - Cunt, fuck, cunt! - Leave!

1097. John. Come on, love. It's all right.

1098. I'm a retard. I'm a spaz.

1099. You fucked it up. You fucked it up, John.

1100. Tommy.

1101. It's not going well, Tommy. He called the judge a cunt.

1102. - Well, that's not good. - No.

1103. John is, without doubt,

1104. the best employee I've ever had.

1105. Does... Does he shout? Yes. Does he swear? Yes.

1106. Does he mean any harm? Absolutely not.

1107. His tics are uncontrollable.

1108. There's times, two or three times a day, his right hand

1109. will just thrust right out like that, clenched fist.

1110. It'll come to about an eighth of an inch away from my face.

1111. That's how good he is. He's got it down to an absolute fine art.

1112. Two or three times a day, he'll skelp me in my homos, right?

1113. Now... Can I say homos?

1114. I'm sure it's not any worse than what we've heard already.

1115. All right, so I can say it?

1116. You know what I mean when I say homos? Balls?

1117. Meat and two veg? Crown jewels? Gonads? Testicles?

1118. - Bollocks! - Thank you, Mr Trotter.

1119. - I think we have it. - Right, I just wanted to check.

1120. OK. It is a medical condition. Right?

1121. It exists. I see it every day.

1122. Now, I understand that some people

1123. are saying that he's pretending.

1124. Can I ask, why would you pretend to have a condition

1125. that results in you being hit with a crowbar?

1126. That resulted in you being humiliated

1127. and ridiculed at school

1128. by being refused to sit your higher exams

1129. that could improve your life?

1130. That stops you having a relationship?

1131. Who, who would pretend to have such a condition?

1132. Me.

1133. Now, I know John's a proud young man,

1134. and he wouldn't like me using the word "disability",

1135. but can I just ask, if a blind man walks into a bar,

1136. and crashes into another guy, would it end up in court?

1137. Huh?

1138. Now, that young man over there would not harm a fly.

1139. He is, he is the nicest,

1140. kindest, most respectful young man I have ever met.

1141. And he makes a damn fine cup of tea.

1142. Spunk for milk.

1143. Spunk for milk.

1144. Can I... Sorry. Sorry, Your Honour.

1145. Thank you, Mr Trotter.

1146. John, did that outcome surprise you?

1147. No. The sheriff said it should never have gone to court.

1148. Dottie, what was the most significant moment for you?

1149. Oh, well, it's when he said

1150. that the police needed to learn from this experience.

1151. Uh, Tommy Trotter, friend of the family.

1152. Just wanted to say what that boy did in there was incredible.

1153. - You can quote me on that. - Are you proud of John?

1154. Me? Well, I'm always proud of John.

1155. So, John, where do you go from here?

1156. I'll tell you where he goes.

1157. Back to the community centre with me,

1158. and he helps me clean out those drains.

1159. That's what he does.

1160. Home time!

1161. Right, that's me.

1162. I'm off to see Tommy today, Irene.

1163. Had a hospital appointment.

1164. Will you tell him bingo's cancelled on Thursday?

1165. I will indeed. See you later, Irene.

1166. See you, John.

1167. Tommy?

1168. Tommy!

1169. Tommy?

1170. Hello, Rosie.

1171. Are you OK, girl?

1172. Tommy?

1173. Oh, God.

1174. Police.

1175. Hello? Anyone here?

1176. Hit the lights, will you?

1177. All right, son? What's happened?

1178. Um...

1179. I came in and, um...

1180. I brought him some beers.

1181. I killed him.

1182. Fuck's sakes.

1183. - I killed him. - Killed who, son?

1184. He's in there.

1185. OK.

1186. I need you to stay exactly where you are, OK?

1187. Yeah. No worries.

1188. I killed him.

1189. And now for a hymn...

1190. from Scottish Anglican cleric Henry Francis Lyte,

1191. "Abide With Me".

1192. Fuck off, John! Ha-ha.

1193. John?

1194. - Oi, Davidson! - What?

1195. I'm taking you for lunch.

1196. - What? - Come on, lunch.

1197. Can't hear you.

1198. Where'd you get these tomatoes from?

1199. The market. Why?

1200. Bit mushy.

1201. Aye, you're not wrong.

1202. Could you imagine yourself living here, John?

1203. - What, here? - Aye.

1204. In a flat?

1205. Aye.

1206. You know what? We love you to bits, but...

1207. you've been in that box room five years and I...

1208. Well, I think it's starting to stunt your growth.

1209. You need your independence.

1210. There's a council flat come up in that block.

1211. And I've got us an appointment in ten minutes,

1212. if you're interested. There's no pressure.

1213. Aye, I could live here.

1214. Why not?

1215. Great.

1216. If the application was successful,

1217. the council would measure the damp.

1218. - Oh, John... - Whatever needs doing, really.

1219. - Look at that. - There's no fireplace, Dottie.

1220. Aye, well, there won't be in a flat, love.

1221. I could use a bucket, though.

1222. And, of course, there's a little balcony.

1223. Oh, wow, look at that. Amazing.

1224. I'm gonna jump.

1225. The council can add security bars. We do that a lot.

1226. Aye, that would be a good idea.

1227. So what do you think, John?

1228. It's a shithole!

1229. Aye. I like it.

1230. Yeah?

1231. OK, here we go.

1232. Thank you.

1233. - Excited to show you it. - Yeah?

1234. Right, that's the last box.

1235. - Sure you're all right, John? - No worries.

1236. I'll go get in the lift, Mum. See you soon, man.

1237. - Thanks, pal. - OK. So, um...

1238. - you'll be all right then? - Aye.

1239. Aye, I'll be fine, Dot. Come on.

1240. It's gonna be quiet at home without you.

1241. I know.

1242. And, um, well, you'll come for Sunday lunch, won't you?

1243. - Of course I will. - Great.

1244. Oh, and, uh, remember,

1245. no swearing.

1246. See you later, Dot.

1247. I'll go for a wank.

1248. Fuck off, John.

1249. Fuck off!

1250. - Who's he shouting at? - No one.

1251. Cunt!

1252. You all right, mate?

1253. - Aye, no worries. - Who you swearing at, then?

1254. No one, it's just what I do. It's a medical condition.

1255. - What? - Where do you live?

1256. Fuck off, nosy.

1257. That was a tic. You just gotta ignore 'em.

1258. You'll get used to me.

1259. Anyway, I better be getting back.

1260. Got a frozen lasagne defrosting in here.

1261. Which flat's yours then?

1262. Oh, are youse all right? How's the bar?

1263. Fucking tell her. Let's fucking tell her.

1264. - You all right, mate? - Aye.

1265. Brought you a beer.

1266. Thanks.

1267. What's with the bars?

1268. Stop me...

1269. jumping over the side.

1270. Jeez.

1271. It's a nice flat.

1272. Could do with spending some money on it, though.

1273. What do you mean?

1274. Well, get like a big fuck-off TV.

1275. A new sofa.

1276. I can't afford that, pal.

1277. - Come work for me. - I've got a job.

1278. In your spare time, come work for me.

1279. - But then again... - What?

1280. Maybe, I don't know...

1281. - What? - Well...

1282. Your disability might get in the way.

1283. It's not a fucking disability.

1284. I can do whatever you need doing. What do you need?

1285. Take that.

1286. You all right?

1287. - It's in the bag. - What?

1288. - It's in the fucking bag. - Oh, right.

1289. I've got a bag like this, you know. I use it for work.

1290. Really good pockets.

1291. Is this what I think it is?

1292. Is this for Danny?

1293. Look at that.

1294. Half-price heroin! Fuck off!

1295. I'm selling drugs!

1296. Pigs! Pigs!

1297. Pigs!

1298. All right, mate?

1299. - Come here a minute. - All right, lads?

1300. - How are you doing, officers? - Stop where you are. Come here!

1301. Come here.

1302. You been taking illegal substances?

1303. No, no, it's nothing like that. I've got, um...

1304. I've got drugs up my jumper. I've got Tourette's syndrome.

1305. - I can't help what I say. - Is that right, aye?

1306. Let's see your hands.

1307. Get your hands out of your jumper!

1308. Other one. Now!

1309. What's that?

1310. - What is that? - Crack cocaine, you cunt.

1311. - Half-price heroin! - Right, that's enough.

1312. No, I don't even know what it is.

1313. - You're being detained under... - Fuck off!

1314. - Cunt! Cunt! Cunt! - Quiet!

1315. John, what have you done?

1316. I'm selling drugs today. Fuck off!

1317. What he just said there.

1318. That gave us grounds to arrest him.

1319. So what has he actually done?

1320. He was carrying a package

1321. which he claimed was crack cocaine.

1322. - And was it crack cocaine? - No.

1323. It was a bag of sugar.

1324. But next time, they'll trust you with the real thing.

1325. You can't arrest him for what might happen the next time.

1326. Look, he should not be locked up.

1327. He cannae help what he says. He has Tourette's syndrome.

1328. He has an attitude problem, is what he has.

1329. Dottie's got drugs in her pussy.

1330. Right, is he free to go?

1331. - Yeah. - OK. Davidson, come on.

1332. Let's get you home where I can keep an eye on you.

1333. Ha-ha! Sorry.

1334. I could kill you sometimes.

1335. There you go, Dot. Nice cup of tea.

1336. "Dottie's got drugs in her pussy."

1337. Aye, sorry about that.

1338. I'm sorry.

1339. That estate was a bad idea.

1340. Aye.

1341. - What are you reading? - A book on Tourette's.

1342. I think you should read it. You know, in fact,

1343. we should both read whatever we can get our hands on.

1344. Learn as much as we can.

1345. What do you think?

1346. Aye. Aye.

1347. - Good idea. - Hmm.

1348. I'm being sacked today.

1349. Come in.

1350. - All right, pal? - Aye, John. Yeah. Sit down.

1351. It's like a fucking sauna in here, you cunt.

1352. - You want me to open a window? - No, no, no. It was just a tic.

1353. I don't think you're a cunt or anything.

1354. John, you'll be more than aware that

1355. we've been looking for a full-time...

1356. - Sorry. - Ah, no problem.

1357. A full-time caretaker, yeah. Have you found someone?

1358. No one's as good as me.

1359. That was a tic.

1360. - No, it wasn't a tic, John. - Aye, it was. It was a tic.

1361. It was a premonition.

1362. John, there isn't anyone as good as you, that is a fact.

1363. And that's why we would like to offer you

1364. the position of caretaker, permanently.

1365. Think about it. You realise that if you were to accept,

1366. which we dearly hope you will,

1367. the position comes with accommodation.

1368. It's not exactly a palace, but it's comfortable.

1369. - All right, well, um... - Congratulations.

1370. Aye. Thank you. Thank you. I won't let you down.

1371. You definitely won't, no. You've earned it.

1372. Right, well, uh... I'd better be getting on.

1373. Got some chairs to set up and things to do.

1374. Lovely. Thank you, John.

1375. - Listen to that. - Hmm.

1376. Silence.

1377. - Oop, well... - Sorry.

1378. Oh, it's a lovely wee house, John.

1379. - Hmm? - Hmm.

1380. - Tommy loved it here. - Aye, he did.

1381. It's just what you need.

1382. Maybe I could get a wee dog like Rosie.

1383. Hey, and look at that. That crow there, that is Tommy.

1384. - Don't be stupid. - That, my friend, is a sign.

1385. - What? No, it's true. - It's not a sign.

1386. Like a spirit animal, you know what I mean?

1387. - How you doing, Tommy? - All right, Tom?

1388. See? He's not moving.

1389. Fuck off! Hello?

1390. - Are you John? - Aye. Sorry about that.

1391. We got your details from the hospital.

1392. They said you might be able to help.

1393. Doctors and specialists, they talk about Tourette's,

1394. but they haven't experienced it.

1395. Hmm.

1396. She's never met anyone else who has it.

1397. Lucy, could you step outside the car, please?

1398. Fuck off!

1399. We've got John with us.

1400. OK, open up.

1401. Just fuck off, you paedo. I'm a minor.

1402. What are you doing that for?

1403. Stop me giving you a smack in the face.

1404. - I'm not talking to you. - Ah, no worries.

1405. To be honest, it's nice to have a few minutes off work.

1406. Part-time slag!

1407. - I spunked on a jellyfish today. - You're a wanker.

1408. - Roddy's got a little cock. - Fuck off.

1409. - I've got a big fucking rabbit. - I shagged your mum.

1410. Fuck you. Cunt.

1411. - Your dad wasted sperm. - Your dad's a cunt.

1412. - My dad's a paedophile. - I'm a paedo.

1413. I'm the leader of the paedos.

1414. I raped a girl.

1415. You're on the offenders list.

1416. - I'm a fucker. - My dad shagged your dad.

1417. My dad's a fucking jellyfish.

1418. - My mum's a virgin. - Shall I go in?

1419. - Maybe not. - You're a flabby cunt.

1420. - My mum's a priest. - You're a priest, you cunt.

1421. You're a wank stain.

1422. - You all right, pal? - Aye.

1423. - What's her name? - Tilly.

1424. Or we call her Tilly-Lilly.

1425. - Do you like dogs? - Yeah.

1426. I want one, but dad says they're too much hassle.

1427. They are, trust me.

1428. But she helps me understand what's going on with me,

1429. - I think. - Yeah.

1430. Hello.

1431. Ah, fuck off!

1432. Are you OK?

1433. Yeah, I think I just had to get it out in the car earlier.

1434. - Like, when it all builds up. - Yeah.

1435. You're pretty good at suppressing your tics then?

1436. Sometimes it just, like,

1437. depends on how the day's going, you know?

1438. The hospital send people to me every now and again.

1439. But, to be honest, I'm not really sure how much I help 'em.

1440. I thought you were a specialist, the way my dad was going on.

1441. No, no. I'm not a specialist, but I've read a bit.

1442. Yeah.

1443. You're the first person I've met with Tourette's.

1444. Does it help?

1445. Not at all, you wanker.

1446. Um, no, yeah, I'd say so.

1447. Like, you understand it better than...

1448. Good.

1449. Did you get bullied or anything?

1450. Oh, aye, yeah, when I was at school, yeah, but...

1451. now it's more about being laughed at, or teased,

1452. or people taking photos of you, and whatever.

1453. Yeah.

1454. Some mornings, I wake up and I can be feeling great,

1455. and then I'll just burst out crying.

1456. Really?

1457. I just wonder what I did to deserve to be like this.

1458. Then when I try and get close to someone...

1459. I think, who's gonna want to spend their life with someone

1460. who's gonna swear and spit in their face?

1461. Yeah, that's what I worry about. Cos that'll hurt, you know.

1462. See, sometimes, like,

1463. if my mum's making the dinner or something like that, and...

1464. like, she's got the stove on, and it's scalding hot, like...

1465. Like, I need to put my hand on it. Yeah, yeah.

1466. Not even... Like, proper smack it.

1467. That's compulsion. I do that as well.

1468. - Really? - Yeah. I can lend you a book.

1469. Yeah. I don't know, like, I... I don't know if you get it,

1470. you have to do it, you cannot walk away from it.

1471. I know exactly what you mean. I have to kiss the lamppost.

1472. I don't do that.

1473. I shag letter boxes.

1474. Don't do that either.

1475. Right, well, I better be getting back to work.

1476. - Has this helped or not? - Yeah, no, massively.

1477. Like, you understand it more than...

1478. like, the specialists do.

1479. Good. Well, I'm on Facebook if you want a chat.

1480. Yeah. You're good at this.

1481. Wait till your dad sees my bill.

1482. I like that blue bite piece around your neck.

1483. Oh, it's like a...

1484. Like, you bite it whenever you think you're gonna tic.

1485. I've got one.

1486. Yeah? This is better, though.

1487. Go on, then.

1488. Go see Tommy. Go on, then. Go see him.

1489. All right, Trotter?

1490. What can I tell you?

1491. Up the community centre today, guess what happened.

1492. That lead flashing on the toilet block started leaking, again.

1493. I've told them they can come back down and fix it for free.

1494. We're not paying.

1495. Met a couple the other day.

1496. They brought their daughter to see me.

1497. Twenty-four, young lady.

1498. She's got tics.

1499. And I was the first person she'd ever met who has Tourette's.

1500. Can you believe that?

1501. You always said I should do more to help people like me,

1502. kids and stuff.

1503. And I'm having a think, Trotter.

1504. I'm having a think.

1505. Come on then, Tilly.

1506. Come on then, girl.

1507. In there. Come on, guys.

1508. Good to see you, Lucy. You OK?

1509. - It's nice to see you. - Nice to see you, too.

1510. Bring it over here.

1511. - Alison. Is it John? - Alison. Yeah.

1512. He's been screaming since Birmingham.

1513. - Fuck off, you wanker! - Let's get him in and settled.

1514. Ignore me.

1515. Pop!

1516. I just wanted to welcome you all here.

1517. Are you my real dad?

1518. This is the first Tourette's weekend we're doing, so...

1519. some of you are meeting people

1520. with Tourette's for the first time, and that's OK.

1521. - Fuck off! - Hello, pal, you OK?

1522. - Fuck off. - John.

1523. Can I ask what made you think this was a good idea?

1524. - I just wanted to say... - Can I touch your penis?

1525. Today... Today, you are the majority,

1526. and you're not the minority.

1527. So, my name's Greg,

1528. and, just like you guys, I have Tourette's.

1529. I just wanna show you a couple of things

1530. that I do, on the drums,

1531. to help give you a couple of tips and tricks

1532. to reduce your tics.

1533. This is billed as a weekend

1534. for those living with Tourette's,

1535. but that's you as well as your kids.

1536. Look, you're not superhuman.

1537. This stuff is really difficult to live with, and...

1538. it most likely split up my own family, my mum and dad.

1539. So... you need to look after each other.

1540. Could you split yourselves off into groups?

1541. And I'm gonna give each group a camera...

1542. Put your finger on the drumstick, about a third...

1543. Get the fuck out of the classroom!

1544. I'll fucking punch your cunt in.

1545. We can all start getting creative and tap into that side.

1546. Homosexual man in the house.

1547. How do you manage with relationships?

1548. Personally?

1549. For me, that has been quite a challenge, but...

1550. you know, as parents, you're going to want

1551. your kids to find a partner and settle down,

1552. that's only natural.

1553. But it all goes back to education.

1554. The problem is not Tourette's,

1555. the problem is that people don't know enough about Tourette's.

1556. The sooner these kids are accepted,

1557. the sooner they're understood,

1558. the sooner they can go on and lead a completely normal life.

1559. - Get down! - Empty your pockets!

1560. Well done, Davidson.

1561. Aye, well done, Dottie.

1562. Oh! Jesus Christ, you see that?

1563. Go on then! Stay.

1564. Go on then! Stay.

1565. Come on, Tilly.

1566. - Come on, Tilly. - Stop where you are.

1567. Put your hands on your head.

1568. Haven't done anything wrong, pal.

1569. Stop where you are, Davidson.

1570. Fuck's sakes. What is it?

1571. Do you not remember me?

1572. No.

1573. You've done nothing wrong.

1574. It's MacCullen.

1575. Aye, MacCullen.

1576. - How are you? - I'm good.

1577. You bald wanker. Fuck's sakes. Sorry.

1578. I first met John when I was a young PC in Galashiels.

1579. He was a young man, it was the early '90s,

1580. and, uh, very few people knew what Tourette's was.

1581. Now, the police force did not serve him well at that time.

1582. I didn't serve him well.

1583. Which was why, when I was promoted,

1584. one of the first things I did was find John

1585. and ask him if he would speak to you today. John.

1586. OK. Thanks for having me here today.

1587. Um, obviously, this is a very nerve-racking event for me.

1588. Fuck the police!

1589. John.

1590. Sometimes what I say is funny, and I even laugh myself,

1591. but that's very different to actively teasing,

1592. or mocking, or encouraging people to swear.

1593. Everyone who lives with Tourette's is different.

1594. We've got our own symptoms and tics and behaviours.

1595. A tic can be anything. It can be a vocal tic or a motor...

1596. A vocal tic like that. Or we can have eye blinking,

1597. or people roll their eyes sometimes, like that.

1598. One of the things we don't talk about with Tourette's

1599. is the anxiety, or the obsessive compulsive disorder,

1600. the exhaustion from trying to pretend nothing is wrong,

1601. from trying to suppress the tics.

1602. Now, imagine trying to hold in a thousand big sneezes.

1603. You can do it for a while, but then what happens?

1604. - You'll explode. - You explode. Good answer.

1605. How do you manage, for example,

1606. if you've got to go to a library?

1607. That's a nightmare for me. I can't go to a library.

1608. I'd love to, um, but it's too quiet.

1609. Don't engage in a conversation with the tics, just ignore them.

1610. The person insulting you is guilty of nothing.

1611. They need support and understanding.

1612. Thanks for listening to me today.

1613. I hope you've learnt something about Tourette's.

1614. And, yeah, thank you.

1615. Cheers.

1616. That was good.

1617. Post! Fucking post time.

1618. Ah.

1619. - Morning, Davidson. - Dottie. Dottie.

1620. What's wrong?

1621. Mr John Davidson,

1622. for services to those with Tourette's syndrome.

1623. And congratulations.

1624. Thank you, ma'am. Thank you.

1625. - I didn't know you'd made it. - I'm so proud, John. Oh...

1626. Oh, we hit traffic, and then the security...

1627. But I was there. I saw you.

1628. Hm. Good, good.

1629. Meet Dottie and Chris. This is my sister, Caroline.

1630. I'm so glad you could come, love.

1631. - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

1632. - How's Mum? - Oh, she is... she's good.

1633. - And she's pleased. - Good.

1634. - You should go see her. - Aye, I will. I will.

1635. - So nice to see you. - Really good to see you.

1636. - Here we are, John. - Hmm.

1637. - Now, do you still take sugar? - Oh, aye.

1638. Well, that's good, cos I've already put one in it.

1639. Come on, now. Let's see it.

1640. Right, OK.

1641. - There it is. - Oh.

1642. - Oh. It's lovely, John. - Hmm.

1643. - You'll have to polish it. - Hmm.

1644. I'm going to get some proper silver polish, a clean cloth,

1645. sort of lint thing. Get in all those bits there.

1646. Well... Be careful you don't lose it.

1647. I won't.

1648. So, you had a nice day, with the Queen?

1649. Oh, aye, yeah. After I told her to go fuck herself.

1650. - Oh, John, you didn't? - I know. It was fine, though.

1651. I only had three tickets, Mum, and...

1652. - as Caroline lives closest... - I understand, John.

1653. No, no, it wasn't that.

1654. It's just, you know, the way it worked out.

1655. Hmm.

1656. I read about it all in the paper, John.

1657. Apparently you said you didn't want

1658. anyone to go through what you went through.

1659. Face the fireplace.

1660. Fuck's sakes.

1661. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough. I tried my best, I did.

1662. I know. I know, Mum.

1663. I wouldn't have known what to do, if I was you or Dad.

1664. I couldn't have coped.

1665. I know.

1666. So, there was light at the end of the tunnel

1667. after all, John Davidson?

1668. Yeah.

1669. Yep. If only we knew it...

1670. way back then.

1671. Come on, you.

1672. It's OK, John.

1673. It's OK.

1674. I'm sorry, John.

1675. You don't have to be.

1676. Dear Mr Davidson,

1677. I would like to invite you to Nottingham University

1678. at a time and date that is convenient to you.

1679. I've got a bomb! Sorry. Ignore me.

1680. We share your ambition to help people

1681. who live with Tourette's.

1682. In brief, we would be grateful

1683. if you would take part in a scientific study

1684. to determine the effects of median nerve stimulation

1685. on those living with your condition.

1686. Hey!

1687. While it is not a cure, initial findings suggest

1688. it may help those with Tourette's manage their condition.

1689. - Here to see... - Yours sincerely...

1690. - Barbara Morera. - Barbara Morera.

1691. Sexy bum! Fuck's sakes.

1692. - John? - Are you Barbara?

1693. - I'm Barbara. - Nice to meet you.

1694. - I'm John. - Nice to meet you.

1695. Come this way.

1696. Nothing to worry about, John.

1697. - This is a neuromodulation band. - Oh, right.

1698. We're good.

1699. OK, just let me set up the device

1700. to deliver the right parameters for you.

1701. Good. Right, well, you can take it for a spin.

1702. Right. How long will it take to work?

1703. Let's see. Go for a walk round the campus,

1704. see if you notice a difference. I'll meet you back at reception.

1705. - OK. - OK.

1706. I just go around here? Over there.

1707. - How you doing? You all right? - I'm good, thank you.

1708. John. Have a seat.

1709. So, how was it?

1710. I'm gonna need some feedback.

1711. Um...

1712. I've not felt like this since I was 14.

1713. I feel...

1714. calm, alert, relaxed. I've no anxiety, no tics.

1715. Have you ticced at all?

1716. Once, in the corridor, but much less aggressively.

1717. Well, we've been working with a group of 135 people.

1718. About 59% are responding in a similar way to you.

1719. Christ.

1720. I'm sorry, I just, uh...

1721. I really don't know what to say.

1722. - Can I keep it? - Not yet, sorry.

1723. But, good news is, you can take it home for a few days.

1724. We need you to make some notes.

1725. How you feel, how you sleep, any tics.

1726. I stopped asking if there was a cure, you know...

1727. 30... 30 years ago,

1728. because the answer was always the same.

1729. It's... it's not a cure.

1730. But it will give some relief when you wear it.

1731. - Excuse me. - Yeah?

1732. - Sorry to interrupt. - That's all right.

1733. Is this the train for Sheffield?

1734. I hope so.

1735. - Where are you heading? - Edinburgh.

1736. Then Galashiels, so it's a long journey.

1737. I love Edinburgh. I have a friend who lives there.

1738. Aye, it's well worth a visit.

1739. It's so quiet on here.

1740. There was a guy snoring earlier and it was not quiet.

1741. - Really? No. - Yeah.

1742. I was gonna go and hold his nose. It was so loud.

1743. Just put my headphones in. I was like, "Oh..."

1744. What are you listening to?

1745. - Don't judge me. - No, no.

1746. - Promise? - I won't.

1747. - Better not. - Cheesy pop. Here we go.

1748. - Right, don't judge me. - I won't.

1749. - Know it? You don't know it? - No.

1750. Right, now I'm embarrassed. Give me it back.

1751. - I'm embarrassed. - Don't be embarrassed.

1752. No, I am. I feel silly now.

1753. - Who do you like? - Loads of people.

1754. I'll listen to Pavarotti in the car. I will.

1755. Wait here. Wait. Come.

1756. Go on, then. Tilly, no.

1757. Stay.

1758. Stay.

1759. Wait.

1760. Go on, then. Tilly, no.

1761. When I feel I'm going to say it, I try and stop myself,

1762. but I just feel as if I have to say it.

1763. It's like somebody's forcing it out of me.

1764. Fuck off!

1765. Oh, God.

1766. I never used to want to go to school. I just...

1767. because of getting teased.

1768. Cunt. Fuck.

1769. Just keep thinking why it has to be me and not...

1770. folks that are criminals or deserve it.

1771. John's first exclamation was, "Ha-ha! You're gonna die."

1772. Fuck off.

1773. Shut it.

1774. Other people within the group have got partners.

1775. And I've just found it so hard to find somebody

1776. that I feel that I can trust.

1777. Oh, Dottie.

1778. - Smack! - Are you all right?

1779. You just get on with it. You just need to kinda...

1780. if you like, pick up the pieces.

1781. Filthy fags!

1782. And I'm now in a position to teach the teachers.

1783. For so long, I didn't know who I was.

1784. I didn't know what my purpose in life was.

1785. I finally kinda clicked.

1786. This is what I want to do. I want to go and help people.