1. We're cleaning the house, baby.
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2. Pick him up.
I got him. I got him.
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3. Yeah!
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4. Nice shot. He got lucky.
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5. Nice pass. Here we go. Ball.
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6. I got him.
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7. Don't let him shoot it!
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8. Come on, come on!
Put it up, Chuck!
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9. Oh, yeah. Chuck, my man.
All day, all day!
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10. Yeah, Tony!
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11. Tony, tag him.
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12. Good steal.
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13. Take the ball. Take the ball.
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14. Come on!
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15. Yeah!
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16. Come on, come on. Come on.
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17. Feel the power!
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18. Foul! Foul!
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19. That wasn't a foul.
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20. Chuck! Shoot. That's it!
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21. Chuck! Shoot it, man!
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22. Chuck! Chuck!
I need to talk to you!
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23. Hey, Darla, what's the matter with you?
You sound so upset.
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24. You slept with my twin sister on Saturday.
That's why I'm so upset!
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25. How do you know
for sure it wasn't you?
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26. 'Cause I wasn't there.
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27. It sure looked like
you were there to me.
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28. Oh, he's dead.
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29. Come on, let's figure this out together.
This is a tricky situation.
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30. Do me a favor. Say, "Oh, Chuck,
keep buttering my biscuit."
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31. Get out of here.
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32. No, I'm trying to do detective work here,
so we can both be happy.
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33. I'm confused, too.
I feel violated!
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34. Chuck, keep buttering my biscuit.
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35. You're right, that wasn't you.
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36. You are such a loser, Chuck!
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37. Let it go, Darla.
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38. Hey, look who's here.
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39. He has moved up
from Marshalls to Bloomingdale's.
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40. He didn't even know
it was you that night, Donna!
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41. That's a joke!
He thought it was me!
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42. He knew it wasn't you
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43. because you would never do
half the freaky stuff that we did!
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44. Don't tell me I don't know
how to satisfy a man!
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45. You show up here in your...
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46. You shut your mouth,
you fat-ass!
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47. Whoa, whoa.
Hey, girls, look, come on.
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48. Now, don't fight, you two.
You're sisters.
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49. Give each other a kiss
and make up.
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50. You're the only sisters you got.
Use your tongues.
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51. You dare us to?
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52. Unless that's too freaky
for Darla over here.
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53. You'd be surprised
just how freaky I can get.
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54. I'm sorry,
right now you gotta prove it to me.
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55. Come forward. That's right.
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56. Saved by the bell, girls. Yeah.
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57. Hear the bell, gentlemen?
Let's go! Time to make a living!
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58. Somewhere something is burning!
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59. What we got?
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60. Both companies, first due,
phone alarm. Prospect Place...
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61. Larry, Larry, let's go.
All right, somebody call Larry a cab.
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62. Shut up.
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63. Fat-ass!
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64. Chuck, you said you were gonna
sign Mr. February for me!
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65. I will. I just gotta go
save the city first.
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66. I'll call you! I'll call you!
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67. No, I'm gonna call him!
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68. Hey, who's this guy?
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69. He's a transfer
from Engine Company 12. Name's Duncan.
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70. They say he put his captain
through a wall.
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71. For what?
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72. Don't know. Don't want to know.
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73. And my advice, don't ask him.
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74. Hey, you.
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75. My friend Karl here says
you're an ax murderer. Is that true?
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76. See, you're wrong, Karl.
This is Karl, by the way.
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77. He lives at 845 Rutland Road,
Apartment 4C. Right?
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78. Four floors fully involved.
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79. Be nice to have
some more ladders up here.
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80. Going in alive.
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81. Coming out the same way.
Let's go.
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82. Help me!
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83. Please! My son is up there!
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84. My baby! All right.
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85. All right, all right,
we'll get your baby.
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86. Bernie! We'll get your baby.
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87. My baby Bernie! Please!
Calm down, calm down.
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88. Please! It's all right.
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89. Chuck, you got the keys. Use them.
You got it, Chief.
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90. All right.
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91. Thing's a pain in my ass.
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92. It's open.
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93. Show off.
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94. Bernie! Bernie!
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95. I'm up here!
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96. Hang in there, little man!
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97. Hurry!
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98. Up the stairs.
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99. Let me hear that voice!
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100. I'm up here in my room!
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101. All right, try and stay calm.
Come on.
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102. Where you at, buddy? Hey!
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103. Let's hear that voice!
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104. I'm over here!
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105. All right, let's find a new way in.
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106. Help me.
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107. Yes!
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108. All right, all right.
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109. Oh, thank God!
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110. Holy Shamu.
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111. I'm sorry.
I can't get out of bed.
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112. There's a bed under there?
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113. Can you walk at all?
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114. I haven't walked in five years!
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115. All right, maybe if we strap a rocket ship
on this guy, we'll get him out of here.
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116. No, no, we can do this. People lift cars.
It's adrenaline, you know?
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117. Well, cars.
This guy's more like a freaking minivan.
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118. Hey, buddy, we're gonna help you
out of here. Come on.
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119. How's my mom? Your ma?
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120. If she survived the birthing process,
nothing's gonna take her down.
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121. So, what, just grab a side,
Chuck, come on.
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122. Get a side there.
What do you mean, get him?
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123. What are we gonna do here?
Come on, just...
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124. Come on. Come on!
We can't budge this fatso.
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125. I know, let me chop him up.
We'll take him down in pieces.
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126. What? I'm kidding you.
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127. We gotta hurry up here. Let's go.
All right, all right.
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128. Just grab the back of our coats.
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129. Turn around, Chuck. Grab the back.
Okay. All right.
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130. Hey, hey, did you start this fire
by lighting one of your farts?
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131. That's funny.
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132. Hold on to our coats.
Hold on. Start running!
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133. Go!
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134. I'm running, Mama!
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135. I'm running like the wind!
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136. Slow down! Slow down!
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137. Mama!
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138. Chuck! Chuck, are you all right?
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139. Thank God.
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140. Oh, my God! Oh, sweet Lord.
Broccoli. Oh, my God!
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141. They saved me, those two.
Yeah, they're my heroes.
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142. I like you. I love you!
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143. Oh, get me a hero! I'm starving!
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144. Oh, get me out of here!
Bring me to a deli!
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145. So, how are the kids doing?
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146. Oh, Tori, she's great, man.
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147. She's playing soccer,
scoring goals.
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148. It's awesome. My man Eric?
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149. Is he starting
Little League yet?
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150. Yeah. I don't think
that's happening.
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151. Why not?
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152. May, me, my, mo,
mo Mo, me, my, mo, may.
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153. Okay, Eric? That's enough.
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154. Sit down
and get ready for dinner.
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155. Okay.
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156. Dad, you smell like smoke.
Did you put out a fire?
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157. I wasn't roasting marshmallows.
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158. That's so cool. You're so cool.
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159. Could you help me out, Teresa,
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160. and just grab that spaghetti sauce
out of the microwave?
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161. No. I have sub-train.
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162. Would you please?
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163. I just need a hand.
I don't really know what I'm doing here.
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164. Is last train for 15 minutes.
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165. All right, you can go. Oh, God.
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166. Oh, God.
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167. There we are, Bolognese.
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168. Looks more like bowl of shit.
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169. Yeah, thanks for all your help, Teresa.
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170. Okay, guys, so what is new?
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171. I'm auditioning
for the school musical, Pippin.
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172. You... You like that, huh?
The musical thing.
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173. Yeah, I love it.
I think it's my calling.
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174. That's what you said
about hopscotch.
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175. You're just jealous
'cause I can do the splits.
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176. Isn't that supposed
to hurt his testicles?
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177. Yes.
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178. You, don't talk like that.
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179. You, get back in your chair
and finish your hot dog salad.
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180. Guy really
wants to take the ball every day,
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181. and going right back out there.
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182. And hits one to deep left field!
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183. Dunn back, and it's out of here!
Copy !req
184. And the Mets now have
a six to two lead.
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185. Oh, boy.
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186. Brownies are ready.
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187. Would you stop using
my Easy-Bake Oven?
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188. But I like to bake.
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189. Guys, would you settle?
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190. Eric, why don't you watch
the Met game, huh?
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191. Welcome to the Municipal Employee
and Planning Department.
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192. Please tell me your name.
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193. Larry Valentine.
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194. I'm sorry,
I didn't quite get that.
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195. Larry Valentine.
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196. You said, "Barry Schmalenpime."
Is that right?
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197. Schmalenpime?
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198. You said, "Schmalenpime."
Is that right?
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199. I was enunciating.
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200. You said, "I was enunciating."
Is that right?
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201. Whoo!
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202. You said, "Whoo!" Is that right?
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203. Dad, you have to try my brownies.
They're fabulous!
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204. Enough with the splits!
Watch baseball!
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205. Then it took 45 minutes
for this robot to stop calling me "Dairy."
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206. And then it starts asking me
if I'm calling from "Gooklyn."
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207. Look, all I'm trying to do is change
my beneficiary from my wife to my kids.
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208. Okay, you would have to file
a request to do that.
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209. Great. Let's do it.
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210. That's gonna take a while.
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211. Look, lady, I don't have a while,
all right?
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212. I'm a fireman.
I could die tomorrow.
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213. I guess if that happened,
you would be burned.
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214. Are you trying to make a funny?
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215. Sort of.
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216. Anyhooser, beneficiaries can only be
changed for three events.
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217. Births, deaths and marriages.
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218. According to our records, we did
contact you when your wife passed away.
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219. You had a year.
You should have responded.
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220. Like a crazy person,
I was busy mourning the death of my wife.
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221. Off the record.
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222. I could suggest something
that's a little more simple
Copy !req
223. and perhaps more fulfilling
to speed things up.
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224. That would be great.
What do... What do you got?
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225. Should you remarry,
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226. your new wife at that time
could be named your primary beneficiary.
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227. So if there's somebody special
in your life,
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228. I mean, who knows,
maybe even someone you just met,
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229. and you are ready
to make a commitment,
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230. maybe now's the time.
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231. Let's go crazy.
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232. Look how pretty she is.
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233. Going in alive.
Coming out the same way.
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234. All right, baby.
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235. Come on, bud.
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236. Levine, Valentine,
can we finish this secondary search
Copy !req
237. so I can get home to my wife
and be denied sex?
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238. Yeah. Absolutely.
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239. So he's auditioning
for a musical?
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240. Yeah, Pippin.
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241. Pippen? That ain't so bad.
Is it about Scottie Pippen?
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242. I don't know.
He practices singing a lot.
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243. Hey, Sinatra sang a lot.
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244. Yeah, that's true.
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245. Better than dancing.
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246. Yeah, it's just when I was his age,
all I did was sports, you know?
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247. Maybe they'll make skipping
an Olympic event. There's still hope.
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248. Come on, man,
I don't have enough problems?
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249. Baton swallowing.
I bet he'd be great at that.
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250. Yeah. You're an idiot.
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251. I'm just busting your balls.
Come on.
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252. Ladder 223, roof.
Secondary search negative.
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253. Going upstairs.
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254. At least the whole pension thing's
working out for you, buddy.
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255. Yeah. Hey, you know what?
Why don't you come back down here?
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256. I'll stick this pole up your ass,
turn you into a lollipop.
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257. You talking to me or your son?
Copy !req
258. Get down here now!
I'll give you an ass-beating!
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259. I will destroy you!
Copy !req
260. Hey, Larry, good news.
I found you something to eat.
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261. Cool, man. I will devour that.
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262. You what?
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263. All right, I'll give you 1,000 bucks
you eat this thing's head.
Copy !req
264. For 1,000 bucks, I'll start at the ass
and work my way to the head.
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265. This I gotta see, baby.
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266. Come on.
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267. Nothing but net.
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268. Here you go, buddy.
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269. Chuck!
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270. Larry! Chuck!
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271. Mayday! Mayday!
Ladder 223, firefighter down.
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272. Holy shit!
I dropped the rat, dude.
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273. We'll have to do that
another time.
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274. That's all right, buddy.
Just relax. Stay calm.
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275. This thing's gonna break, man.
Get the hell out of here!
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276. No! Hey, man, we came in alive,
we're going out the same way. Come on!
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277. No! No!
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278. I got you!
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279. We got them over here!
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280. Chuck! Come on, man.
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281. Heads up! Chuck.
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282. Urgent! Urgent!
Two members down!
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283. Mr. Levine?
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284. Mr. Levine?
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285. Do you know where you are?
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286. Am I in a Mötley Crüe video?
'Cause you're hot.
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287. Honey, how's my buddy doing?
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288. Honey?
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289. We're expecting a full recovery.
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290. And, Mr. Levine,
please address me as "Doctor."
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291. Dr. Honey.
Yeah, okay, you got it.
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292. Chuck. What's going on, man?
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293. Brace yourself, Larry.
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294. What I'm gonna tell you
is pretty rough.
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295. They removed your entire body.
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296. You're nothing but a head now.
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297. What?
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298. They said that there was enough fat
in your head to rebuild you a new body,
Copy !req
299. so they got scientists in the other room
working on it.
Copy !req
300. God willing,
you're gonna be all right.
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301. You know, you're such a dick.
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302. What's going on is
you saved my life, man.
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303. I would've died
if you didn't do what you did.
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304. Would you stop being
so melodramatic?
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305. No. I owe you. That's the code.
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306. Whatever you want,
whenever you want it.
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307. Whatever, whenever.
Copy !req
308. Whatever? Yes.
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309. I'll take that rat.
Copy !req
310. You want to find that rat for me?
'Cause I'm hungry as hell.
Copy !req
311. Hi, Dad. Eric.
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312. Tori. Hey, guys, come on in.
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313. They called me out of class,
Copy !req
314. and nobody would tell me for, like,
a really long time what was wrong.
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315. Did you die?
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316. Oh, no, Daddy's fine, buddy.
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317. I could go home right now
if I wanted to.
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318. I'm only staying here because your
Uncle Chuck, he's afraid to sleep alone.
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319. It's true, Eric. If he don't sleep with me,
then I gotta sleep with Dr. Honey.
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320. And you never know with Dr. Honey
what kind of mood she's gonna be in.
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321. What are you, six years old?
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322. Hey, where you going? Come here.
Lay down next to me.
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323. I'll split a Vicodin with you.
We'll have some fun.
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324. Come on. You little tease.
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325. Dr. Honey. Dr. Honey.
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326. Sweetie, what's the matter?
Come here. It's okay.
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327. This is the same hospital.
You know. Mom.
Copy !req
328. I'm not gonna leave you.
You hear me?
Copy !req
329. I'm never gonna leave you.
Copy !req
330. I'm quitting the department.
Copy !req
331. Get out of here, man.
Copy !req
332. No, Renaldo's cousin's got
an Acura dealership down in Trenton.
Copy !req
333. You want to sell cars? Acuras?
Copy !req
334. I don't want to.
Copy !req
335. Every time I run into a fire,
where's my head gonna be?
Copy !req
336. I'm all my kids got left.
If I die...
Copy !req
337. Just don't wanna
leave them with nothing.
Copy !req
338. Your father was a fireman.
His father was a fireman.
Copy !req
339. You are a fireman, man.
Copy !req
340. One of the best Brooklyn's ever seen.
That's it. You can't do nothing else.
Copy !req
341. I don't think I have
any other choice.
Copy !req
342. We'll come up with something,
all right?
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343. Come on, I promise you.
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344. Oh, poor Charlie.
Copy !req
345. Hey, there are my girls.
Copy !req
346. How are you? How you doing?
Oh, my leg hurts.
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347. How are you feeling?
Copy !req
348. My leg.
Copy !req
349. Oh, God. We got different lives.
Copy !req
350. I need some help out of here.
All right, Chuck's doing all right.
Copy !req
351. Let's get in here.
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352. Hey, who wants to massage
my ass muscles?
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353. Me! Me!
Copy !req
354. Larry.
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355. What time is it? 4:00.
Copy !req
356. I saved your life, and you said
you owed me. You remember that?
Copy !req
357. Yeah, you saved my life.
Copy !req
358. Then you got me out of bed
at 4:00 in the morning.
Copy !req
359. We're even. That's great. Look.
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360. Hey, look, I'm just gonna
throw something out here,
Copy !req
361. and it's gonna sound
a little bit crazy.
Copy !req
362. You're getting a breast reduction.
No, shut up.
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363. No, look, I figured out
how to solve this pension problem,
Copy !req
364. and I don't have to
quit the Department.
Copy !req
365. Great. How?
Copy !req
366. What we're gonna do is
we're gonna set things up
Copy !req
367. so that you inherit
my benefits if I die.
Copy !req
368. That way you'll be the one
responsible for Eric and Tori.
Copy !req
369. Absolutely. That's a great idea.
How do we do that?
Copy !req
370. Yeah. Domestic partnership.
Copy !req
371. Domestic partnership.
Copy !req
372. You mean like faggots? No.
Copy !req
373. I mean, yeah,
but, no, not us, obviously.
Copy !req
374. No, no, not, you know...
It's just on paper, really.
Copy !req
375. Paper faggots?
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376. Okay, look, the accepted
vernacular is "gay," but, yeah.
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377. I'm gonna get
something to drink.
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378. All right.
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379. Right.
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380. I'm gonna have to pass.
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381. You can't!
Copy !req
382. Why don't you pay some chick to marry you
if you need this set-up?
Copy !req
383. Some chick? Like who?
Give me the phone.
Copy !req
384. I know plenty of chicks
who could use the cash.
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385. What do you want? A blonde?
A Puerto Rican?
Copy !req
386. I'll get you a heavy girl.
She'll make you feel better about yourself.
Copy !req
387. Hey, it doesn't matter.
I don't have any extra cash.
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388. Look, man,
you're the only person I can trust.
Copy !req
389. Hey, you know who you could trust?
Your maid, Teresa.
Copy !req
390. She steals!
Copy !req
391. She steals?
Why don't you fire her?
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392. I'm afraid. I think she's into voodoo.
I don't know.
Copy !req
393. Oh, God.
Look, this is the only way
Copy !req
394. I can keep doing what I do
and make sure my kids are protected.
Copy !req
395. Larry, look at us.
We're not gay.
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396. But if we were gay,
don't you think
Copy !req
397. I'd be with someone
a little hotter-looking than you?
Copy !req
398. I'm Mr. February,
for God's sake.
Copy !req
399. It would be like the prom king
fooling around with a tuba player.
Copy !req
400. Oh, great, I play tuba.
Copy !req
401. Larry, I love you,
Copy !req
402. but I'm not in love with you,
if that makes any sense.
Copy !req
403. I still wanna be friends.
Copy !req
404. All right, do me a favor.
Just picture this, please. All right?
Copy !req
405. You're at my funeral
Copy !req
406. and you're looking for my kids,
but they're not there.
Copy !req
407. 'Cause they're in some factory
in Bangladesh
Copy !req
408. making sneakers
for six cents an hour.
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409. And you go home to nail some chick
you met at my gravesite.
Copy !req
410. And you look up,
and right there in your window
Copy !req
411. are my kids.
Copy !req
412. They're just tapping
on the glass.
Copy !req
413. And they have tears
just streaming down their faces.
Copy !req
414. You think of that
and now you give me your answer.
Copy !req
415. How are they tapping on my window
if they're in Bangladesh?
Copy !req
416. Oh, my God. You're...
You're not following me here.
Copy !req
417. Yeah, I'm serious. Chuck?
Copy !req
418. Thirsty. Do you have
anything to drink?
Copy !req
419. Yeah, there's Gatorade
in the fridge.
Copy !req
420. The girls are here.
The girls, they want the Gatorade.
Copy !req
421. Oh, they're thirsty.
Copy !req
422. Larry, Larry, watch this.
Copy !req
423. Hey, girls,
actually it's down low, the Gatorade.
Copy !req
424. I can't be gay, Larry.
Copy !req
425. I could be a lesbian for you,
but that's about it.
Copy !req
426. I am so lonely in here.
Hurry up, Chuck.
Copy !req
427. Dr. Honey! Dr. Honey.
You know Dr. Honey.
Copy !req
428. Yeah, I do.
Copy !req
429. How are you feeling,
Mr. Valentine?
Copy !req
430. It's still stiff
when I go to the right.
Copy !req
431. That's normal.
Copy !req
432. Hey, who untied you?
Copy !req
433. What? What?
We have rules around here, girls.
Copy !req
434. Specific orders, girls.
Copy !req
435. Now I'm gonna go
Charlie Chaplin on your ass!
Copy !req
436. Here, use the cane.
Use it! Use it!
Copy !req
437. Whap them, whap them!
Copy !req
438. You... You're just
an animal, man.
Copy !req
439. I'm not an animal. I am a whore.
Copy !req
440. You don't want to marry the town whore.
Believe me, you're better than that.
Copy !req
441. What I'm talking about is no more involved
than co-signing a loan or joining a gym.
Copy !req
442. How do we know no one's
gonna find out about this?
Copy !req
443. Because privacy laws
are super strict nowadays.
Copy !req
444. Look, all we gotta do is just forward
your mail to my house for a while.
Copy !req
445. That's it.
Copy !req
446. Oh, I don't know.
Copy !req
447. I saved your life, bitch.
Copy !req
448. Partners?
Copy !req
449. Partners.
Copy !req
450. Shake on it?
Copy !req
451. You should've
let me die, asshole.
Copy !req
452. You're partners now, fellas.
Copy !req
453. Teresa brought in the mail.
Copy !req
454. That's a first. Me.
Copy !req
455. Chuck. That's me.
Copy !req
456. Chuck.
Copy !req
457. What the hell?
Copy !req
458. Chuck.
Copy !req
459. You gotta be kidding me.
They send these things blown up now?
Copy !req
460. Is that doll for me?
Copy !req
461. No, no, no, sweetheart.
No, it's for me.
Copy !req
462. It's a... It's a training doll.
You know, for CPR.
Copy !req
463. They're testing us again,
you know, to make sure.
Copy !req
464. You remember Daddy
did the testing?
Copy !req
465. You make sure the passageway
is clear, and you...
Copy !req
466. To see if they're breathing.
Copy !req
467. Sweetheart, go to your room, please.
Go to your room, okay?
Copy !req
468. It's for me. She's fine.
She's fine. We're dancing.
Copy !req
469. Whoa.
Copy !req
470. Fire under control.
All units ten-eight, ten-eight.
Copy !req
471. Great to have you back, Larry.
Copy !req
472. Great to be back, Captain.
Copy !req
473. Captain! Found out what started the fire,
an old-fashioned doobie.
Copy !req
474. Hey, brother, that's my weed.
Can I get that back?
Copy !req
475. You want this back?
Copy !req
476. I can't give you it back. But you know
what? I got something better for you.
Copy !req
477. Whoa, man!
Copy !req
478. Do that again.
Copy !req
479. He likes it.
Copy !req
480. All right, enjoy it.
Copy !req
481. Hey, man. Looks like
a powdered donut.
Copy !req
482. Mr. Valentine?
Copy !req
483. Yeah.
Copy !req
484. Hi. I'm Glen Aldrich
from the Pension Department.
Copy !req
485. I'd like to talk to you about
your recently filed domestic partnership.
Copy !req
486. Hey.
Copy !req
487. Are you okay?
No, yeah, no, I'm fine.
Copy !req
488. That's how I always get down,
'cause it's just faster. You know. Steps.
Copy !req
489. Is your partner home?
A Mr. Charles Levine?
Copy !req
490. No, he...
Copy !req
491. How did you...
How did you find out that that we were...
Copy !req
492. It's standard procedure.
Copy !req
493. You see, when a previously
registered portfolio shifts over
Copy !req
494. to a domestic partnership filing
in the insurance log,
Copy !req
495. there's an information sharing system
that notifies us of the adjustment
Copy !req
496. to make sure it's not a mistake.
Copy !req
497. Why do you ask?
Were you keeping your partnership secret?
Copy !req
498. Secret? What, are you kidding me?
Hell, no.
Copy !req
499. No, we're telling everybody.
It's a party.
Copy !req
500. Telling everybody what?
Copy !req
501. Hey, butt out, Ron.
Copy !req
502. Come over here.
Copy !req
503. I hope you don't think we have any reason
to doubt your situation, Mr. Valentine,
Copy !req
504. but the sad truth is some people
have used homosexual lifestyles
Copy !req
505. as a cover to reap
illegal benefits.
Copy !req
506. Wow.
Copy !req
507. Who's that?
Copy !req
508. That's Paula.
She's my late wife.
Copy !req
509. So you haven't always been gay.
Copy !req
510. No. I'm newly gay.
Copy !req
511. When... When she died,
I knew I'd never find another woman
Copy !req
512. who'd make me as happy,
Copy !req
513. and that's when I boarded
the dude train.
Copy !req
514. Will you excuse me one second?
Copy !req
515. Sure.
Copy !req
516. Hey, homo, you see the moon balloons
on that chick?
Copy !req
517. They're a jiggle away
from falling out.
Copy !req
518. Oh, Chuck, don't tell me
you lost your key again, sweetheart.
Copy !req
519. What key?
Copy !req
520. Baby! How about a free show?
Why don't you shake them for me?
Copy !req
521. Oh, you mean Ron, the mailman.
Yeah, Ron, you look great, man!
Copy !req
522. Love the moon balloons.
Shake them! Shake them!
Copy !req
523. Hey, Chuck,
come on in here a minute.
Copy !req
524. This is Glen Aldrich from the Penis...
The Pension Department.
Copy !req
525. Our Pension Department.
Copy !req
526. Hi.
Copy !req
527. Oh, hey. Yeah.
Copy !req
528. He... He knows about our partnership,
and he's just here checking up on us,
Copy !req
529. making sure we're not running
a scam to collect illegal benefits.
Copy !req
530. People do that?
What is with the world?
Copy !req
531. Yeah.
Copy !req
532. It just makes me so sad
Copy !req
533. and gay to think
of that kind of...
Copy !req
534. Yeah... Behavior.
Copy !req
535. Yeah.
Copy !req
536. I just want to go to my room right now
and listen to Boy George records.
Copy !req
537. Calm down.
Copy !req
538. So you've moved your relationship
to the next level. How's it been going?
Copy !req
539. Oh, great. We've just been having sex
with each other all the time.
Copy !req
540. Loads of sex.
Copy !req
541. Gay crazy sex.
Copy !req
542. Man on man.
Loving every minute of it.
Copy !req
543. Yeah, balls and wieners all the way.
Right here.
Copy !req
544. Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
545. Well, I won't take up
any more of your time.
Copy !req
546. Bring the funk.
Copy !req
547. Okay, thank you.
Copy !req
548. So that's it?
Copy !req
549. You don't... You don't have
any other questions for us or...
Copy !req
550. Oh, no. No, that's not really
how we do it.
Copy !req
551. You see, if my report says I thought
something was out of the ordinary,
Copy !req
552. then the department assigns
a special investigator,
Copy !req
553. and he or she'll just drop in
from time to time
Copy !req
554. unannounced over the next three
or four months.
Copy !req
555. No big deal.
Copy !req
556. Let me... Just asking
was there anything that you saw
Copy !req
557. that was out of the ordinary or...
Copy !req
558. Oh, I can't tell you that.
All right, have a great day.
Copy !req
559. Oh, we will.
Copy !req
560. Nice seeing you. Take care.
Copy !req
561. Nice seeing you.
Copy !req
562. We love your pants,
by the way. Very nice.
Copy !req
563. We do. Are those wrinkle-free?
Copy !req
564. I think they are.
They look great!
Copy !req
565. Snazzy!
Copy !req
566. Yeah, no one's gonna
find out about us, I thought.
Copy !req
567. Well... Yes!
Copy !req
568. He likes it rough. Yeah.
Copy !req
569. Bye-bye. Take care.
Copy !req
570. Bye-bye now. Take care. Okay.
Copy !req
571. You made a promise to me.
Copy !req
572. All right, we're gonna
have sex now.
Copy !req
573. Okay. We are.
Copy !req
574. Sex now. Here we go!
Copy !req
575. Whoo!
Copy !req
576. Why are we even seeing
this lawyer guy?
Copy !req
577. I just want to find out
how much trouble we're in here.
Copy !req
578. Maybe it's, you know,
no big deal.
Copy !req
579. This guy'll be able to tell us.
Copy !req
580. Here, just give me your hand.
Copy !req
581. Maybe we should
just be snuggling a little bit.
Copy !req
582. You mean to look...
Copy !req
583. Yeah, just a little bit like, you know.
Copy !req
584. Yeah, that's good.
Copy !req
585. Does this work, too?
Get away from me.
Copy !req
586. Alex McDonough.
Copy !req
587. Nice to meet you.
Copy !req
588. Nice to meet you.
Copy !req
589. Yeah, meet to nice you.
Copy !req
590. What was that, Japanese?
Copy !req
591. What? What are you
talking about?
Copy !req
592. Meet to nice you.
Copy !req
593. No, no, no, I didn't do that.
Copy !req
594. You did. He did say it.
Copy !req
595. You did.
Copy !req
596. Okay.
Copy !req
597. Okay, just come on in.
Copy !req
598. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
Copy !req
599. So my assistant says
that your domestic partnership
Copy !req
600. is being challenged by the city.
Copy !req
601. Well, not exactly challenged yet,
but they're definitely sniffing around.
Copy !req
602. Home visit? Yeah.
Copy !req
603. You're being targeted.
Copy !req
604. Targeted?
Copy !req
605. It's like an audit.
Who did they send?
Copy !req
606. It was a Glen somebody.
Copy !req
607. Probably the initial interviewer.
Copy !req
608. But if you get a follow-up from
a funny little guy named Clint Fitzer,
Copy !req
609. then we've got real trouble.
Copy !req
610. Yeah, the city's really been cracking down
ever since the Bensley case.
Copy !req
611. What's that?
Copy !req
612. Well, in Colorado, a heterosexual
government employee married his gay friend
Copy !req
613. so the friend could be covered
under Bensley's health insurance.
Copy !req
614. The state found out about it,
Copy !req
615. fired Bensley and prosecuted them both
for fraud.
Copy !req
616. Really? Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
617. I mean, these people needed
to be made an example of.
Copy !req
618. I mean, gays and lesbians have not
been fighting for these rights for 40 years
Copy !req
619. to be made a mockery of.
Copy !req
620. But you guys have
nothing to worry about
Copy !req
621. because you're
a legitimate gay couple, right?
Copy !req
622. Oh, yeah, we're...
No, we're big-time fruits.
Copy !req
623. I used to wrestle in high school,
and I loved it.
Copy !req
624. Okay.
Copy !req
625. Curiosity kicking up again.
Copy !req
626. What exactly did they get,
the hetero bastards?
Copy !req
627. Well, Bensley got five years
and his gay friend got three.
Copy !req
628. And a coworker of Bensley's
got 18 months.
Copy !req
629. Why? What did he do?
Copy !req
630. Well, Bensley told him what was going on and
he never reported it to the authorities,
Copy !req
631. so he was convicted of obstructing justice
and conspiracy to commit fraud.
Copy !req
632. Pretty rough, huh?
Copy !req
633. When I used to climb the rope in gym class,
I wished it was a guy.
Copy !req
634. Well, there is a secret weapon
Copy !req
635. that really might help get these guys
off your back.
Copy !req
636. Oh, good. Oh, great.
Well, we love secrets.
Copy !req
637. Yeah, we do them
all the time. Yeah.
Copy !req
638. Oh, yeah.
Oh, I won't tell anyone.
Copy !req
639. Nobody tells.
Copy !req
640. That was a key he was throwing away,
that's what that was.
Copy !req
641. Leave a trail.
Copy !req
642. You know, the strongest evidence
Copy !req
643. for genuinely demonstrating
a domestic partnership
Copy !req
644. is to take a quick drive
on up to Canada
Copy !req
645. and legitimize
your relationship.
Copy !req
646. Legitimize?
Copy !req
647. Get married.
Copy !req
648. Marry Larry?
Copy !req
649. All right,
where do two guys get married?
Copy !req
650. What do we got here?
Wedding Balls.
Copy !req
651. I Do, I Do Love Clay Aiken.
Copy !req
652. Great Rear Endings.
Copy !req
653. Till Dicks Do Us Part.
Copy !req
654. Where are we gonna do this,
sweetheart?
Copy !req
655. What's the matter?
You getting cold nuts?
Copy !req
656. No, no. It's just Paula always
wanted to go to Niagara Falls,
Copy !req
657. and I never got the chance to take her,
you know?
Copy !req
658. You were great to her.
It's been three years already, man.
Copy !req
659. Just, just...
She would want you to be happy.
Copy !req
660. She would want you to move on
with your life,
Copy !req
661. find somebody new,
I'm telling you.
Copy !req
662. You know what?
I did find somebody new.
Copy !req
663. And I'm marrying him today.
Copy !req
664. Oh, yeah. What a lucky girl.
Copy !req
665. Queers.
Copy !req
666. What was that? What was that?
Copy !req
667. I said tears.
Copy !req
668. Your love for each other
brings tears to my eyes.
Copy !req
669. That's what I thought you said, buddy.
Yeah. Yeah.
Copy !req
670. Better watch what you say,
my friend.
Copy !req
671. Why don't you
just drive the car?
Copy !req
672. Doug Henning.
What the hell you think you're doing?
Copy !req
673. You want a Brooklyn beating, moron?
Magic shoes. Yeah?
Copy !req
674. You want to get him nuts?
Yeah? Smacked around?
Copy !req
675. Then shut your mouth.
Don't, please.
Copy !req
676. Faggots.
Copy !req
677. All right, that's it, my man.
What's that, you son of a bitch?
Copy !req
678. Grab the wheel. Grab the wheel.
Hold him down!
Copy !req
679. Hey, I'm sorry!
Copy !req
680. Hold him down, and I will...
Copy !req
681. Come and drive now, moron!
Hey, the wheel, man!
Copy !req
682. I'm sorry! Chuck, hold him.
Copy !req
683. Yeah! Yeah!
Copy !req
684. Get him! Hold him down!
Copy !req
685. Suki! Stupid cow. Sorry.
Copy !req
686. Hey, may I help you?
Copy !req
687. Yes, we're... We're...
Copy !req
688. Gay?
Copy !req
689. Yeah, we're marrying each other.
Copy !req
690. Gay. Civil or religious?
Copy !req
691. Religious.
Copy !req
692. I'm Jewish.
I don't wanna piss my mother off.
Copy !req
693. I'm Catholic.
I don't want to piss Mel Gibson off.
Copy !req
694. Come on.
Copy !req
695. Religious is more expensive.
We have to hire a clergyman.
Copy !req
696. Look, you know what?
We'll just do civil then, okay?
Copy !req
697. Will you at least wear a yarmulke?
Yeah, okay, sure.
Copy !req
698. It's important.
Copy !req
699. Yeah, I will.
Copy !req
700. We want a traditional wedding, too,
one with a lot of photographs for evidence.
Copy !req
701. Evidence for our future children,
Copy !req
702. so they can see
what a beautiful chapel this is.
Copy !req
703. Yeah.
Copy !req
704. That's nice.
Copy !req
705. I think Chubb Rock needs a dress.
Am I right?
Copy !req
706. That's okay. No, I'm fine. No.
Come on. No?
Copy !req
707. Okay. What size? Five times XL?
Copy !req
708. No, no. That's...
That's fine, really. I'm...
Copy !req
709. You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna go with a tux like Liza Minnelli.
Copy !req
710. I saw her wear one
at the Oscars and it's just been...
Copy !req
711. At least have garter belts
underneath, please?
Copy !req
712. Okay.
Copy !req
713. You will need to have a witness.
We can supply one for $100.
Copy !req
714. Hundred doll hairs?
That's a lot of doll hairs.
Copy !req
715. Come again?
Copy !req
716. Do dolls come
with that many hairs?
Copy !req
717. Doll hairs, like dollars.
Copy !req
718. Doll hairs?
Copy !req
719. Yeah. Yeah, he likes that.
Copy !req
720. I had never heard that one.
Copy !req
721. Okay, sorry, sorry.
Can I write that down?
Copy !req
722. Yeah, go ahead.
Copy !req
723. We'll... We'll get our own witness,
by the way, so...
Copy !req
724. Yeah. Don't worry about that.
Copy !req
725. Will you be needing a room?
Copy !req
726. What? A loom?
Copy !req
727. For romantic time together.
Copy !req
728. Whoa, whoa. No, no, we're good.
We... No...
Copy !req
729. We'll take two looms,
by the way.
Copy !req
730. Yeah. We're old-fashioned.
Copy !req
731. That's very nice.
Copy !req
732. I will give you key
in case you want to sneak.
Copy !req
733. That's okay. Yeah.
Copy !req
734. But I'll give you key.
Copy !req
735. Okay.
Copy !req
736. Do you have the rings?
Copy !req
737. Yeah.
Copy !req
738. Now, the rings are
a symbol of eternity,
Copy !req
739. because in a ring there's no beginning,
there is no end
Copy !req
740. 'cause it's a circle.
Copy !req
741. That's kind of nice.
Copy !req
742. It's not like a triangle.
Copy !req
743. Triangle has,
like, a corner in the ends.
Copy !req
744. This one is a circle.
Copy !req
745. Okay, we get it.
Copy !req
746. Three corners.
Copy !req
747. Please exchange the rings.
Copy !req
748. Larry, take that.
All right, yeah.
Copy !req
749. Thanks.
Copy !req
750. Is a promise of your love
forever together...
Copy !req
751. Okay. Okay. Beautiful.
Copy !req
752. For all eternity. Okay.
Copy !req
753. - Because it's a circle.
- Yeah, we heard about the circle.
Copy !req
754. Yes, we're familiar with shapes.
We got it.
Copy !req
755. I now pronounce you
husband and husband.
Copy !req
756. You may kiss the husband.
Copy !req
757. I don't know.
Hey, man, you just gotta do this.
Copy !req
758. What do you mean?
We got to do it.
Copy !req
759. Kiss the husband.
Copy !req
760. Yeah, we heard you.
Copy !req
761. Oh, come on. Let's just...
Copy !req
762. He's gonna take a picture,
we just gotta do this.
Copy !req
763. Mmm-hmm.
Copy !req
764. Oh!
Copy !req
765. That's how we roll
in our house, baby.
Copy !req
766. Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
767. Do you do me?
Copy !req
768. Oh, you couldn't handle it,
little man.
Copy !req
769. Yeah.
Copy !req
770. I think your witness
piss himself.
Copy !req
771. The wires are all in place,
and they have tapped all of our phones.
Copy !req
772. The Chinese government
is in on it.
Copy !req
773. And Elizabeth Taylor is Bigfoot.
Copy !req
774. Turn off my brain.
Copy !req
775. Hear, hear! Hear, hear!
Copy !req
776. There's a microphone
in the cake!
Copy !req
777. They moved it.
Copy !req
778. Yeah.
Copy !req
779. He smell like
a dead water buffalo.
Copy !req
780. Oh, yeah! Very Jewish!
Copy !req
781. I've been hit!
Copy !req
782. How you doing?
Copy !req
783. He broke his leg.
Copy !req
784. Hey, how come your maid
ain't helping us out?
Copy !req
785. She's working on something else,
all right?
Copy !req
786. Yeah, right.
Copy !req
787. How you doing there,
Phil Collins?
Copy !req
788. $800. $800, Bob Barker!
Copy !req
789. Retail price
without going over...
Copy !req
790. She's working hard
with Bob Barker.
Copy !req
791. She doesn't like when you talk
during her shows. Come on.
Copy !req
792. $750? Oh, my balls,
that's too low.
Copy !req
793. Hey, Big Ragoo,
I smell your feet from here. I like it.
Copy !req
794. Oh...
Copy !req
795. He thinks my feet stink.
Copy !req
796. Now, that's a stink.
Copy !req
797. See, I knew you were gonna
overcook this, man. I told you.
Copy !req
798. Hey, it's Salisbury steak, Emeril.
It's supposed to be black.
Copy !req
799. It stinks like manure!
Copy !req
800. Yeah, it's supposed to.
Copy !req
801. I can't believe you're gonna
serve this to the kids. Shit.
Copy !req
802. Hey, language!
Copy !req
803. Okay, kids,
"shit" is a bad word.
Copy !req
804. Seriously, though,
I am not eating this crap!
Copy !req
805. If I'm living here, I'm cooking.
Copy !req
806. How long is Uncle Chuck staying?
Copy !req
807. Just for a little bit, okay?
Until his apartment is fixed.
Copy !req
808. What happened to your place?
Copy !req
809. Roaches.
Copy !req
810. Yeah, big giant roaches.
Copy !req
811. They ate my dog.
Copy !req
812. Bastards!
Copy !req
813. Language!
Copy !req
814. Roaches are so ewwy.
Copy !req
815. Did you hear that?
Roaches are ewwy.
Copy !req
816. "Ewwy" is another word not allowed said
in this house, okay?
Copy !req
817. - I think ewwy's a nice word.
- Shut up.
Copy !req
818. Ewwy!
Copy !req
819. Funny.
Copy !req
820. The Reds never even came up
in the conversation.
Copy !req
821. About five straight seasons
losing regular seasons,
Copy !req
822. the franchise's worse such stretch
since the '50s.
Copy !req
823. Yet heading into play today, the Reds
were tied for the best record in the bigs.
Copy !req
824. They've got
everybody going except for...
Copy !req
825. who's eligible
to come off the DL,
Copy !req
826. but hasn't fully recovered
from an inflamed tendon...
Copy !req
827. Real smooth.
Copy !req
828. Why? What happened?
Copy !req
829. You broke Tori's chair!
Copy !req
830. No, no, no.
It was like that when I got here.
Copy !req
831. I'm not kidding you.
I think she did it.
Copy !req
832. What the hell is that
on your face?
Copy !req
833. I'm exfoliating.
It's good for my skin.
Copy !req
834. Hey, that's a great idea, man.
Copy !req
835. In case the gay inspector comes by.
Copy !req
836. Yeah, yeah,
that's why I was doing it.
Copy !req
837. Daddy, help!
Copy !req
838. Tori?
Copy !req
839. Somebody left the seat up.
Copy !req
840. Real smooth, again.
Copy !req
841. Why? What happened now?
Copy !req
842. It was like that when I got here.
She... She did it.
Copy !req
843. Hey, it's okay, sweetheart.
Copy !req
844. You see, Uncle Chuck, he's not used
to living in a house with a young lady.
Copy !req
845. True that. Come here, honey.
Copy !req
846. Slow, slow, slow.
Don't leave her intestines in there.
Copy !req
847. Whoa, whoa...
Copy !req
848. Your father's just jealous
'cause he can't get his butt
Copy !req
849. in that thing. Yeah.
Copy !req
850. He got his butt stuck
in a king-sized Jacuzzi one time.
Copy !req
851. I seen that. Stop.
Copy !req
852. Hey, yeah.
Copy !req
853. Uncle Chuck,
you left this in the kitchen.
Copy !req
854. Hey, don't you look at that!
Copy !req
855. I didn't. Actually, you know what?
Give me that.
Copy !req
856. Maybe he should look at it. See.
Stop it, Chuck!
Copy !req
857. No, no, no. This is an experiment.
Seriously.
Copy !req
858. Eric, see how this
makes you feel.
Copy !req
859. Open it up.
Copy !req
860. All right, that didn't go well.
Copy !req
861. Yo, you got any tequila in this house?
I want to fall right asleep.
Copy !req
862. No, I don't.
Copy !req
863. What the hell is this?
You got a dog I don't know about?
Copy !req
864. No, that's your bed.
I worked hard on that.
Copy !req
865. That ain't a bed. That's a bed,
the thing you're about to cave in.
Copy !req
866. No. Look, you're not
sleeping here, okay?
Copy !req
867. Nobody's slept
on that side since Paula.
Copy !req
868. But, sweetheart,
it's our honeymoon.
Copy !req
869. Of course I'm sleeping
in the same bed as you.
Copy !req
870. No.
Copy !req
871. How about if I put
Paula's pajamas on?
Copy !req
872. Would that get me
in the sack with you?
Copy !req
873. Don't you dare touch her PJs.
Copy !req
874. You're kidding me.
You still keep her PJs?
Copy !req
875. That's sick, Larry. Seriously.
Copy !req
876. All right.
Copy !req
877. You gotta call the shrink.
Copy !req
878. I'm coming in the bed, Larry.
Copy !req
879. Whoa, look at this.
You made me a little bowling ball ashtray.
Copy !req
880. That's sweet of you.
I'll smoke that in the morning.
Copy !req
881. I don't feel comfortable with this,
buddy, at all.
Copy !req
882. Would it help
if I gave you the pose?
Copy !req
883. Hey, get your foot off
that side of the bed.
Copy !req
884. Have some respect,
would you, please?
Copy !req
885. Yeah, I'll be respectful.
You won't even know I'm here.
Copy !req
886. Oh, God.
You won't know I'm here, okay?
Copy !req
887. Why don't you turn the light off?
You won't even see me.
Copy !req
888. I'm not around, Larry.
Copy !req
889. Yeah. Yeah. See?
Yeah. Roll over.
Copy !req
890. Make yourself comfortable.
Copy !req
891. That's right.
Copy !req
892. You got Cinemax in here?
Copy !req
893. No, I do not.
Copy !req
894. What the hell am I supposed to do
with this thing?
Copy !req
895. Keep it away from me.
Copy !req
896. Can you lend me your foot for a second?
I'm kidding.
Copy !req
897. Larry.
Copy !req
898. You betrayed me, Larry.
Copy !req
899. You made a promise
no one would sleep on my side of...
Copy !req
900. All right. Hey, hey, hey.
Copy !req
901. I swear to you, I will beat you...
That wasn't me.
Copy !req
902. With the end table! Larry!
Copy !req
903. Stop it, man.
Copy !req
904. If it was me, I would stop it.
Copy !req
905. It was someone else.
Copy !req
906. It scared me, too, Larry.
Copy !req
907. Good morning, Daddy.
Copy !req
908. Oh, hey, kids.
Copy !req
909. Good morning, Uncle Chuck.
Copy !req
910. What's doing, guys?
Copy !req
911. Good morning, Teresa.
Copy !req
912. Great morning.
Copy !req
913. Why is Teresa in the bed?
Copy !req
914. She was just cleaning it. She was...
Great job, Teresa.
Copy !req
915. Spotless. Thank you.
You can go now.
Copy !req
916. Hey.
Copy !req
917. Hey, this is what got us in trouble
in the first place.
Copy !req
918. Oh, boy.
Copy !req
919. Come on, kids, fix me breakfast!
Copy !req
920. Come on, come on, come on!
Copy !req
921. You're gonna burn for that.
Copy !req
922. Get Cinemax.
Copy !req
923. While I'm sleeping
in the same bed?
Copy !req
924. Hey, you weren't sleeping
the whole time.
Copy !req
925. You threw in some moves.
Copy !req
926. I did not!
Copy !req
927. Yeah. Smell your thumb.
Copy !req
928. Smells like plastic.
Copy !req
929. Hey, big guy.
Copy !req
930. Hey, what the hell you doing
going through our garbage?
Copy !req
931. Oh, once it's out on the street
ready for pickup, it's public property.
Copy !req
932. Lawrence Valentine, I presume?
Copy !req
933. Yeah. That's me.
Copy !req
934. Yeah, Clint Fitzer
from Financial Services.
Copy !req
935. You know, funny thing, you put
these moving boxes out for recycling
Copy !req
936. after you'd already been
living together for so long.
Copy !req
937. I found that interesting.
Copy !req
938. And your garbage, Mr. Valentine,
Copy !req
939. well, from my experience,
it's not very homosexual garbage.
Copy !req
940. Can I see some
identification, please?
Copy !req
941. Oh, that's just one zip away.
Copy !req
942. Mr. Valentine, the law takes a dim view
of those who cheat the public coffers.
Copy !req
943. A very dim view, big guy.
Copy !req
944. Shit.
Copy !req
945. What are you doing?
Copy !req
946. I'm putting a pillowcase
on my pillow.
Copy !req
947. Okay, you know what?
That's not a pillowcase.
Copy !req
948. It's my underwear, you idiot.
Copy !req
949. No! Would you stop?
Copy !req
950. I just ran into Clint Fitzer out front.
That big city investigator.
Copy !req
951. The one that hot-ass lawyer
was talking about?
Copy !req
952. We gotta make
this place more gay.
Copy !req
953. More gay?
Copy !req
954. Yeah. He went through our trash.
He says it's not gay enough.
Copy !req
955. Well, let's gay
that shit up, then!
Copy !req
956. Oh, God. Gay trash.
Copy !req
957. Gay trash... Gay trash...
Copy !req
958. Let's see.
Copy !req
959. Huh? Huh?
Copy !req
960. Yeah. What else?
Copy !req
961. Anything you can do, I can do better
Copy !req
962. I can do anything better than you.
Copy !req
963. Perfect. Hey!
Copy !req
964. Eric, are those the cleats
I just bought you?
Copy !req
965. Uncle Chuck helped me
turn them into tap shoes.
Copy !req
966. Yeah, he didn't get Pippin,
Copy !req
967. so we're gonna prime him
for his next audition.
Copy !req
968. For the Annie Get Your Gun thing.
Copy !req
969. Go ahead, tap away. Nice.
Copy !req
970. Sinatra tap-danced, come on.
Copy !req
971. Nice. Nice. Big finish.
Copy !req
972. Yeah. You wanna throw him
in the garbage?
Copy !req
973. I'm kidding. Come on.
Copy !req
974. Think like a gay guy.
We're gay, we're gay.
Copy !req
975. Come on, gay. Gay it up.
Copy !req
976. Here we go. Look at this.
Gay. What else? Gay.
Copy !req
977. Shampoo for permed hair.
That's pretty gay.
Copy !req
978. Put it in there. Okay.
Copy !req
979. Bandages.
Copy !req
980. It's too rugged.
Copy !req
981. Really? Q-tips, get Q-tips.
Copy !req
982. Gay guys like clean ears
for the licking and whatnot. Smart.
Copy !req
983. What do you got?
Copy !req
984. Maxi Pads.
Copy !req
985. Now we have vaginas?
Put it back.
Copy !req
986. Get some Streisand shit or something.
Just walk away, man.
Copy !req
987. Gay. Very gay. Über gay.
Copy !req
988. The gayest. And the mother ship.
Copy !req
989. Oh...
Copy !req
990. Chuck! Alex.
Copy !req
991. Hi! Wow.
Copy !req
992. Oh, hey, did Larry tell you that
I talked to him about Fitzer stopping by?
Copy !req
993. That guy is an infection,
but don't you worry about it,
Copy !req
994. 'cause I'm gonna handle it.
Copy !req
995. No, it's all good.
It's all gay all the way.
Copy !req
996. Are you doing anything
on Saturday night?
Copy !req
997. No. Why?
Copy !req
998. Well, I'm involved with this group,
and it's our big fundraiser thing and...
Copy !req
999. Look, I know it's
a little bit last-minute, but...
Copy !req
1000. No, no, no! Hey! Let's do this.
Copy !req
1001. Let's party. Wow.
Copy !req
1002. Awesome. Awesome! Please.
Copy !req
1003. Okay. It's gonna be a lot of fun.
Copy !req
1004. I'm sure.
Copy !req
1005. Here's the info. Hell, yeah.
Copy !req
1006. And don't forget
to bring your husband.
Copy !req
1007. My, husband? Yes, of course.
Copy !req
1008. Don't go anywhere without him.
Copy !req
1009. He's like a...
He's like an infection, too.
Copy !req
1010. Are you gonna be bringing
your significant other person thing?
Copy !req
1011. Oh, I'm not gay,
if that's what you mean.
Copy !req
1012. And I just broke up
with my boyfriend, so...
Copy !req
1013. I mean...
Copy !req
1014. It's fine.
So am I gonna see you there?
Copy !req
1015. I'll be there.
Copy !req
1016. Okay.
Copy !req
1017. Oh, you wanna go? Yeah.
Copy !req
1018. See you. Yeah.
Copy !req
1019. Hell, yeah!
Copy !req
1020. Sorry, did you say something?
Copy !req
1021. No, they got K-Y jelly,
two for $1. Hell, yeah.
Copy !req
1022. Okay. Bye.
Copy !req
1023. Bye.
Copy !req
1024. Yeah, this does work.
Copy !req
1025. Got some mail for you,
Mr. Valentine.
Copy !req
1026. Oh, okay. Thanks, Ron.
Copy !req
1027. Something I can do for you?
Copy !req
1028. I couldn't help overhearing
you and Mr. Levine
Copy !req
1029. talking about your arrangement
the other day.
Copy !req
1030. Yeah, we're a couple, so...
Copy !req
1031. Right. I also caught
a bit of what you said pertaining to me.
Copy !req
1032. What? I'm sorry?
Copy !req
1033. I heard you mention to the gentleman
that you thought I was a hottie.
Copy !req
1034. Oh. Yeah, you know what?
I'm sorry if that came off a little weird.
Copy !req
1035. I was feeling... Oh, no, no, no.
Copy !req
1036. It's nothing to worry about, sir.
Copy !req
1037. I don't bite.
Copy !req
1038. Oh, okay.
Copy !req
1039. Listen, just so you know,
Copy !req
1040. if you're ever home alone
in the afternoons.
Copy !req
1041. I make drop-offs.
Copy !req
1042. Oh boy.
Copy !req
1043. And I always deliver.
Copy !req
1044. You know what?
I'm pretty loyal to Chuck.
Copy !req
1045. Right, I understand that.
I'm just saying if you ever want to
Copy !req
1046. explore your other feelings,
there's no extra postage.
Copy !req
1047. And it's always first-class.
Copy !req
1048. All right. Anything else you feel
you need to say, there?
Copy !req
1049. I handle with care.
Copy !req
1050. Okay, Ron, thank you very much.
I appreciate it.
Copy !req
1051. And I'd be happy to come in
through the back door.
Copy !req
1052. I'm sure you would.
Copy !req
1053. Used to holding large packages.
Copy !req
1054. This actually ain't
gonna be bad, man.
Copy !req
1055. Just some regular
gay folks having a party.
Copy !req
1056. I'm dirty! Who's dirty?
Are you...
Copy !req
1057. Oh, my God, it's Homopalooza.
Copy !req
1058. You know what? Find Alex, say hello,
and let's get the hell out of here.
Copy !req
1059. I'm going to take a leak.
Copy !req
1060. You're gonna go
to the men's room? Here?
Copy !req
1061. What's wrong with that?
Copy !req
1062. I peed three times
before I got here.
Copy !req
1063. I'll be fine.
Copy !req
1064. Apple martini?
Copy !req
1065. Oh, yeah. There's my lawyer.
Copy !req
1066. Look at that. Perfection.
Copy !req
1067. I want to suck your blood.
Copy !req
1068. Suck my what?
Copy !req
1069. Nothing.
Copy !req
1070. It's cool.
You want to suck something.
Copy !req
1071. I was talking to somebody else.
Copy !req
1072. Hey! Don't go, bitch!
Copy !req
1073. Don't be a tease!
Copy !req
1074. You whore!
Copy !req
1075. Hello?
Copy !req
1076. Anybody here?
Copy !req
1077. Oh, my God.
All right, let's do this.
Copy !req
1078. Chuck! Hey!
Oh, I'm so glad you made it.
Copy !req
1079. Alex? That's you, right?
Copy !req
1080. Yeah. I'm Catwoman.
Copy !req
1081. Wow, so...
Copy !req
1082. I had no idea Dracula
could look so fierce.
Copy !req
1083. I like Betty Butterfly the most.
Copy !req
1084. On, Stevie! On, Bobby! On, Sarah!
Copy !req
1085. That's my brother, Kevin.
Copy !req
1086. He's your brother?
You're related to him?
Copy !req
1087. Yes.
Copy !req
1088. He's gotta come out of the closet already.
I feel bad.
Copy !req
1089. It must eat him up inside
knowing he's got so many secrets.
Copy !req
1090. Shut up.
Copy !req
1091. My underwear's
just riding up my core.
Copy !req
1092. Seriously, I got some applesauce
going on down there.
Copy !req
1093. I can't wait to launder
that load.
Copy !req
1094. What's up, apple dumpling?
What's crack-a-lacking?
Copy !req
1095. What's crack-a-what?
I'm sorry, who are you? Do I know you?
Copy !req
1096. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm Kevin,
Alex's brother.
Copy !req
1097. Oh, hey, man. What's up, man?
Copy !req
1098. Larry, Chuck's better half.
Oh, wow.
Copy !req
1099. Better two-thirds, actually.
Copy !req
1100. So, I got a question.
I know you know it's coming.
Copy !req
1101. I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna do it!
Don't do it. Don't do it.
Copy !req
1102. Who's pitching
and who's catching?
Copy !req
1103. You mean who's the chick
and who's the guy and that kind of thing?
Copy !req
1104. Please don't feel obligated to answer that.
It's none of our business.
Copy !req
1105. I know it's not,
but it's fun to know.
Copy !req
1106. Really not a problem. Let's see.
This is gonna be a cool experiment.
Copy !req
1107. Who do you think
is the chick out of us two?
Copy !req
1108. One, two, three. Chuck!
One, two, three. Chuck!
Copy !req
1109. So Chuck!I know.
Copy !req
1110. Why would you think
I'm the chick?
Copy !req
1111. Well, he's an apple.
Copy !req
1112. Very masculine.
Very solid fruit.
Copy !req
1113. And you're Count Suckula
with a straw in your beer.
Copy !req
1114. I'm drinking through a straw
'cause I don't want to smear my lipstick.
Copy !req
1115. Oh, yeah, that was worse. All right.
Good, good, good. Okay.
Copy !req
1116. I also think it's because
you have very sweet, sensitive eyes.
Copy !req
1117. And that's very rare
to find in a guy.
Copy !req
1118. Well, you have very sweet
and sensitive eyes, too.
Copy !req
1119. I do?
Copy !req
1120. Us chicks should
stick together, huh?
Copy !req
1121. Take it easy, buddy.
Copy !req
1122. Girls rule and boys drool.
Copy !req
1123. Yeah.
Copy !req
1124. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
1125. You okay? Breathe!
Copy !req
1126. This is my jam!
Copy !req
1127. This is my jam! You know that!
This is my jam! Watch my drink, okay?
Copy !req
1128. Okay, okay. It's my jam!
Copy !req
1129. So? Yo.
Copy !req
1130. You gonna show me your moves?
Copy !req
1131. Oh, my God,
she got the flags out.
Copy !req
1132. I can't dance for shit. Can you?
Copy !req
1133. Hell, no.
Copy !req
1134. Look at these guys, man.
They're freaking Travoltas!
Copy !req
1135. Gay guys know how to dance good.
It's like the law or some shit.
Copy !req
1136. Get in the circle right now!
Copy !req
1137. Yeah, it's gonna be a blast.
Copy !req
1138. Any second, man.
Glad to be here.
Copy !req
1139. I can't wait. I can't wait!
Copy !req
1140. Look at this.
Copy !req
1141. Hey, the butterfly's coming
out of his cocoon again.
Copy !req
1142. That's my brother!
Copy !req
1143. This is his jam! It is his jam.
Copy !req
1144. Kevin's having fun.
Copy !req
1145. I didn't need to see that.
Copy !req
1146. I'm flying!
Copy !req
1147. We gotta look good at this.
Copy !req
1148. It's showtime, boys!
Copy !req
1149. Whoa!
Copy !req
1150. I'm sorry!
Copy !req
1151. No, it's part of it.
Copy !req
1152. All right, Larry, get up.
That's it, that's it, that's it.
Copy !req
1153. We're busted, dude,
we're busted.
Copy !req
1154. Let's go junior high on their ass.
Copy !req
1155. Junior high?
Copy !req
1156. Yeah. Let's do this.
Copy !req
1157. Okay.
Copy !req
1158. Is it working?
Copy !req
1159. I don't know.
I'm afraid to look up.
Copy !req
1160. I think it is. I think it is.
Copy !req
1161. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1162. We really pulled this one
out of our asses.
Copy !req
1163. Bad choice of words, there, Larry.
Bad choice of words.
Copy !req
1164. Hey, Chuck, Larry. We got a basketball
game every Tuesday night at 6:00.
Copy !req
1165. If you guys want to play,
the butterfly knows how to get hold of us.
Copy !req
1166. Okay, right on. Thank you. Thank you.
Yeah, we'll give you a buzz.
Copy !req
1167. Nice to meet you guys.
Copy !req
1168. Sinners and fornicators!
We are not here in anger!
Copy !req
1169. We are here to save you
from eternal damnation!
Copy !req
1170. Hey, buddy!
Copy !req
1171. Wait, come on already!
This is a private event.
Copy !req
1172. Now, give it a rest.
Copy !req
1173. Aren't you worried about
where you'll spend eternity?
Copy !req
1174. This is what these guys do
on a Saturday night?
Copy !req
1175. They just want everyone to be
as miserable as they are.
Copy !req
1176. Gay is not the way!
Gay is not the way! Gay is not the way!
Copy !req
1177. It's over, baby.
Copy !req
1178. Gay is not the way!
Gay is not the way!
Copy !req
1179. Hey, hey! You heard the man.
It's a private party, so take a walk.
Copy !req
1180. This is a public sidewalk.
We have every right to be here!
Copy !req
1181. And we have every right
to be queer!
Copy !req
1182. Yeah!
Copy !req
1183. Homosexuality is an abomination.
Copy !req
1184. Hey, news flash, man.
That jacket's an abomination.
Copy !req
1185. - Gay is the way! Gay is the way!
- Gay is not the way!
Copy !req
1186. Hey, what makes you think
that you have the right to dictate
Copy !req
1187. how other people
live their lives?
Copy !req
1188. I'm a minister.
I'm allowed to preach in any public forum.
Copy !req
1189. Well, I'm a fireman.
Copy !req
1190. I say you're blocking emergency access,
so let's call it a night, guys.
Copy !req
1191. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're a fireman?
Copy !req
1192. You are a disgrace!
Copy !req
1193. You're a flamer,
is what you are.
Copy !req
1194. All right, oh, my God. There's
no reasoning with these people.
Copy !req
1195. Just let it go. Just let it go.
Just let it go.
Copy !req
1196. Come on, come on.
Let it go, guys.
Copy !req
1197. Have a good day. See you later.
Copy !req
1198. Faggots.
Copy !req
1199. I'm sorry? What did you call me?
Copy !req
1200. Oh, I called you a faggot.
Copy !req
1201. Faggot.
Copy !req
1202. For your information,
the accepted vernacular is "gay."
Copy !req
1203. Homos, one. Crazy people, zero.
Official score.
Copy !req
1204. Gentlemen, I have
a very simple philosophy.
Copy !req
1205. What you shove up your ass
is your own business.
Copy !req
1206. Captain... Shut up.
Copy !req
1207. Now, it's not my style to get involved
in the personal lives of my firemen.
Copy !req
1208. And if sometimes I've given you
Copy !req
1209. the impression that I'm your friend,
I apologize.
Copy !req
1210. However, I seriously doubt
that you two are banging each other.
Copy !req
1211. You and Paula, the most beautiful couple
I ever laid eyes on.
Copy !req
1212. And you, if my pencil sharpener
had a skirt, I'd have to hide it.
Copy !req
1213. Look, do you have any idea of the stress
an administrative position entails?
Copy !req
1214. I've already got
a prostate the size of a cantaloupe.
Copy !req
1215. And now, thanks to you two bozos,
Copy !req
1216. I've got the Pension Department
pissing up my chimney,
Copy !req
1217. not to mention every flaming fruit bat
south of Poughkeepsie
Copy !req
1218. that wants to come down here to our house
and slide up and down our pole!
Copy !req
1219. We should tell him the truth.
We'll tell him the truth.
Copy !req
1220. We'll tell him the truth.
Ix-nay on the uth-tray!
Copy !req
1221. I don't want to hear about it.
Copy !req
1222. And if this marriage is
something you've cooked up
Copy !req
1223. in response to this pension problem,
you are not taking me down with you.
Copy !req
1224. I will report you.
You will go to jail,
Copy !req
1225. where you won't have
to pretend to be gay,
Copy !req
1226. because your asses'll be busier
than a test bench in a plunger factory.
Copy !req
1227. I just wanted to thank you again
for what you did at the fundraiser.
Copy !req
1228. Oh, yeah, that was no big deal.
Copy !req
1229. You sound a little down.
Where's Larry?
Copy !req
1230. He's at school with the kids,
doing the Career Day thing.
Copy !req
1231. So does that mean that you can have
a girl's day with me?
Copy !req
1232. A girl's day? Yeah.
Copy !req
1233. I need some new shoes,
new underwear.
Copy !req
1234. Girl's day!
Copy !req
1235. Uh-huh.
Copy !req
1236. Girl's day! Sure.
Copy !req
1237. I'll pick you up.
Copy !req
1238. So, by trading in
pre-refunded municipal bonds,
Copy !req
1239. we can offer our clients
triple tax-exempt returns.
Copy !req
1240. Any questions?
Copy !req
1241. There never are.
Copy !req
1242. Thank you, Mr. Auerbach,
for that very nice trip down Wall Street.
Copy !req
1243. Our next parent is Larry Valentine,
Tori's father.
Copy !req
1244. Hi, everybody!
I am a firefighter,
Copy !req
1245. and I'm proud to be one because
it's my job to protect the community
Copy !req
1246. and make sure
it's a safe environment for all.
Copy !req
1247. Whoa! We got some questions already.
Copy !req
1248. Yeah.
Copy !req
1249. I don't like girls, either.
Does that mean I'm gay, too?
Copy !req
1250. No, no.
Copy !req
1251. You were married
to a woman, right?
Copy !req
1252. Yes.
Copy !req
1253. Does that mean
you're half-lesbian?
Copy !req
1254. Kids, Mr. Valentine is here to talk
about his career today, okay?
Copy !req
1255. Mr. Valentine?
You said you're a fireman.
Copy !req
1256. Yes, that is correct.
Copy !req
1257. Do you have two jobs?
Copy !req
1258. Because my dad said
that you're also a butt pirate.
Copy !req
1259. Larry.
Copy !req
1260. Steve.
Copy !req
1261. Rough crowd, huh?
Copy !req
1262. Kids. Yeah.
Copy !req
1263. So, listen. We're all set
for the Boy Scout overnight this month.
Copy !req
1264. Oh, great. We're all set?
Copy !req
1265. No, we're all set,
like we don't need any more fathers.
Copy !req
1266. All right, well, then, I guess I'll see you
at Little League, then, all right?
Copy !req
1267. Oh, you know what? We're good.
Copy !req
1268. We are good.
Copy !req
1269. No, no, no, we're not good.
Copy !req
1270. We don't need you for Little League.
We're good.
Copy !req
1271. Okay, Steve, what's going on?
I signed up to coach three months ago.
Copy !req
1272. Larry, I don't want to get into this
with you here.
Copy !req
1273. Hey, you know what, Steve?
You're really starting to piss me off.
Copy !req
1274. I'm trying to get Eric
interested in baseball.
Copy !req
1275. That kid interested in baseball?
Copy !req
1276. You got a better chance getting
Colonel Sanders interested
Copy !req
1277. in a hamburger, buddy.
Copy !req
1278. Fight! Fight! Fight!
Copy !req
1279. Your dad's gay and so are you.
Copy !req
1280. Oh, my hair!
Oh, my hair, my hair!
Copy !req
1281. Oh, my clothes!
Copy !req
1282. Oh, am I frizzy?
I'm getting frizzy!
Copy !req
1283. You asshole! Go back to Jersey!
You can go back to Jersey!
Copy !req
1284. Come on, honey!
Please open the door!
Copy !req
1285. Whoa, nice pad.
Copy !req
1286. Oh, thank you.
Copy !req
1287. Hey, you are soaked. Do you want to borrow
a sweatshirt or something?
Copy !req
1288. No, no. I'm great, I'm great.
Thank you.
Copy !req
1289. Okay, but I am freezing, so...
Copy !req
1290. What are you doing there?
Copy !req
1291. Well, it's wet.
Copy !req
1292. Actually, you know what?
I'll take that sweatshirt.
Copy !req
1293. Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
1294. Thanks.
Copy !req
1295. So, that's a great body
you got there. I mean,
Copy !req
1296. it could be the best body
I've ever seen in my life.
Copy !req
1297. Shut up.
Copy !req
1298. Besides Larry's. But yours...
Copy !req
1299. Your tush looks like
it's made of muscle,
Copy !req
1300. and Larry's is made of pudding
and Quarter Pounders
Copy !req
1301. and God knows what.
Copy !req
1302. Well, these are real, by the way.
I mean, nobody thinks they are.
Copy !req
1303. Everyone thinks they're fake,
but they are real.
Copy !req
1304. Alex. You don't gotta lie to me.
We're two girls hanging out. Come on.
Copy !req
1305. You kidding me?
There's no silicone here, I swear.
Copy !req
1306. Oh, no big deal if they are or not.
I don't care.
Copy !req
1307. I've got nothing to hide.
Feel them.
Copy !req
1308. Feel them? Feel them.
Copy !req
1309. I mean, l...
Copy !req
1310. I have a...
Copy !req
1311. I'd rather feel a flabby man pec,
to be honest with you,
Copy !req
1312. but in the name of science,
if you need me to hold
Copy !req
1313. your bodacious Bahama mamas,
Copy !req
1314. or whatever the guys call them nowadays,
I'll do it.
Copy !req
1315. Yes, go ahead. Oh!
Copy !req
1316. Well?
Copy !req
1317. Yeah, they're real.
Copy !req
1318. Told you.
Copy !req
1319. And creamy.
Copy !req
1320. And fun.
Copy !req
1321. For someone who would like
something like this, this is...
Copy !req
1322. But to me, it's, like, ew.
Copy !req
1323. I just got a little nauseous there,
touching them. That's funny.
Copy !req
1324. You want a bite?
Copy !req
1325. No, no, no.
Feeling them's enough.
Copy !req
1326. I'll do that again.
Copy !req
1327. No, no, I meant food.
Are you hungry?
Copy !req
1328. Oh! I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1329. Yeah, no... Just...
Copy !req
1330. That was funny.
Copy !req
1331. Nice, nice.
Copy !req
1332. Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Me and Nootzie against you three guys.
Copy !req
1333. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
1334. You don't want to play?
Copy !req
1335. Hey, Chuckie,
I gotta be honest with you.
Copy !req
1336. You play real physical defense,
and none of us want you copping a feel
Copy !req
1337. or rubbing up against
the old boosh-cadoosh here.
Copy !req
1338. Just 'cause you're gay doesn't mean
that you're horny for every guy you meet.
Copy !req
1339. Oh, really? 'Cause every time
you covered me in the past,
Copy !req
1340. I feel like you were
grab-assing on me.
Copy !req
1341. Yeah. Let the WNBA play.
Come on.
Copy !req
1342. Fine, go.
Copy !req
1343. Unbelievable.
Copy !req
1344. Oh, God.
Copy !req
1345. What, you want
to mess with me, too?
Copy !req
1346. Huh? You want to mess
with the queer?
Copy !req
1347. 'Cause this queer don't take shit
from nobody. Let's go, then.
Copy !req
1348. You ready? I'm a fireman, man!
I ain't afraid of nothing!
Copy !req
1349. Put your fists down.
Copy !req
1350. Me, too.
Copy !req
1351. You, too?
Copy !req
1352. You, too, what?
Copy !req
1353. I'm gay.
Copy !req
1354. I can't believe
I finally said it.
Copy !req
1355. Oh, God, it feels so good.
Copy !req
1356. It's just like a wave
is crashing over me.
Copy !req
1357. It's so liberating.
Copy !req
1358. Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
1359. Do you remember
the first time you said it?
Copy !req
1360. First time I said... Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
1361. I was with Larry.
Copy !req
1362. Your lover. Yeah.
Copy !req
1363. Who, by the way,
is absolutely gorgeous.
Copy !req
1364. Oh, thanks.
Copy !req
1365. He's mine, though, so...
Copy !req
1366. Oh, no, that's your man.
Copy !req
1367. Mmm-hmm.
Copy !req
1368. Yeah.
Copy !req
1369. My whole life
I've been living a lie.
Copy !req
1370. But you and Larry have given me
the strength to be true to myself.
Copy !req
1371. "To thine own self be true."
Copy !req
1372. There's nothing worse than pretending
to be something that you're not.
Copy !req
1373. Yeah. Yeah, well, I'm glad.
I'm glad we helped you out,
Copy !req
1374. and anything else we can do,
you don't hesitate to ask.
Copy !req
1375. Would you help me
tell my parents?
Copy !req
1376. I guess.
Copy !req
1377. Yes!
Copy !req
1378. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Copy !req
1379. Oh, yes, yes, yes, girl!
Copy !req
1380. Hey, did you guys catch
that Mets game last night?
Copy !req
1381. They got a shot of my cousin
throwing a beer at the ump.
Copy !req
1382. I missed it. Took my sister
to the electrolysis place
Copy !req
1383. for a second opinion.
Copy !req
1384. They said there's nothing
they could do.
Copy !req
1385. What the hell is so funny?
Copy !req
1386. No!
Copy !req
1387. Pick that up, would you?
Copy !req
1388. I ain't picking that up!
Copy !req
1389. You want my soap, Renaldo?
Right here.
Copy !req
1390. Hey, Tony, give me your soap.
Copy !req
1391. No. I don't share soap.
Too many germies.
Copy !req
1392. Come on, give me the damn bar of soap!
Copy !req
1393. Get out of here! Get out of here!
Copy !req
1394. Who's gonna do it?
Copy !req
1395. Hey, how you doing?
Copy !req
1396. Hey, Duncan.
Copy !req
1397. I'll tell you about that later.
Copy !req
1398. 'Cause I'm every woman
It's all in me.
Copy !req
1399. Anything you want now, baby
I'll do it naturally.
Copy !req
1400. Let me hear you say it
Copy !req
1401. Lawrence.
Copy !req
1402. Oh, a little louder.
Copy !req
1403. Everybody sing now.
Copy !req
1404. I can't hear you sing.
Copy !req
1405. All right, yours is done.
Copy !req
1406. Yours, too.
Copy !req
1407. All right, take a look. Okay.
Copy !req
1408. "Girlz Rule" with a "Z."
Copy !req
1409. This is so awesome.
Copy !req
1410. I hope you like yours.
Copy !req
1411. Let's see here.
Copy !req
1412. "Friends forever."
Copy !req
1413. Anything with forever and you in it
sounds pretty good to me.
Copy !req
1414. This is great.
Just slide her on.
Copy !req
1415. You know what's
still bugging me, though?
Copy !req
1416. That those Guidos wouldn't even
let you play basketball with them.
Copy !req
1417. We could get a court order
and have them suspended in two seconds.
Copy !req
1418. Court order? No, no, no.
These guys are good guys.
Copy !req
1419. They're just having
problems adjusting.
Copy !req
1420. Calm down. Relax.
Finish your wine.
Copy !req
1421. Come on.
Copy !req
1422. Okay.
Copy !req
1423. You're right. You're right.
Yeah.
Copy !req
1424. But you know what would really
help me to relax?
Copy !req
1425. Is a foot rub.
Copy !req
1426. Please. Please.
You'll be my bestest friend.
Copy !req
1427. Oh, they're good.
Yeah, I can handle it. Give me these.
Copy !req
1428. You know, I love that you're
a chubby chaser, by the way.
Copy !req
1429. A chubby what-what?
Copy !req
1430. Well, you know,
Larry's heavyset.
Copy !req
1431. I mean, is that the type of guy
you've always been attracted to?
Copy !req
1432. No, he's my first fatty.
Copy !req
1433. Yeah, you guys really seem
like you have a lot of sexual chemistry.
Copy !req
1434. I float his boat
and he sinks mine.
Copy !req
1435. Yeah, I've never had that, really had that,
with anybody before. I just...
Copy !req
1436. I don't even know
if I know what I'm doing.
Copy !req
1437. What?
Copy !req
1438. I'm serious. Come on.
Copy !req
1439. Give me some moves.
How do you turn Larry on?
Copy !req
1440. How do I turn Larry on?
Copy !req
1441. I mean, to get him into bed, of course,
I just lay a pizza out...
Copy !req
1442. No! And he comes running.
Copy !req
1443. Really. Seriously.
Copy !req
1444. Well, he likes it
when I rub his big, hairy earlobe.
Copy !req
1445. That gets him crazy.
Copy !req
1446. Really?
Copy !req
1447. Yeah, it's a spot of his.
Copy !req
1448. Try it on me.
Copy !req
1449. Try it on you? Yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
1450. Yeah.
Copy !req
1451. You know, I just grab it and...
Copy !req
1452. Usually when I do this to Larry,
he's like, boing! You know?
Copy !req
1453. I love it. You do?
Copy !req
1454. Yeah. Like that?
Copy !req
1455. Sure, sure, yeah, yeah, yeah,
work both hands. I like that.
Copy !req
1456. And then you can go to some hair-pulling,
right about like that.
Copy !req
1457. Like that? Yeah.
Copy !req
1458. Oh, yeah, let him know you're there,
know what I mean?
Copy !req
1459. And then the slap out
of nowhere is good.
Copy !req
1460. That is good. Uh-huh.
Copy !req
1461. Yeah. Not Ultimate Fighting
kind of smacking.
Copy !req
1462. Just light and sexual and fun.
Sorry.
Copy !req
1463. How did you get to be
so good at all this?
Copy !req
1464. I don't know.
A lot of practice I guess.
Copy !req
1465. I used to be kind of a jerk.
Copy !req
1466. But then you meet
somebody special
Copy !req
1467. who makes you
not want to be a jerk anymore.
Copy !req
1468. Actually, it makes you want to
give everything you got to that one person.
Copy !req
1469. Yeah. You know, it's true when women say
that all of the good men are
Copy !req
1470. either gay or married.
Copy !req
1471. And of course,
I'm hanging out with one who's both.
Copy !req
1472. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Just for the record, though,
Copy !req
1473. if I wasn't so
into chubby hubbies
Copy !req
1474. or chunky monkeys...
What did you say again?
Copy !req
1475. Chubby chaser.
Copy !req
1476. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
1477. I would be just so all over you.
Copy !req
1478. Oh, come on. No way.
Copy !req
1479. Are you kidding me? Look at you.
Copy !req
1480. You're gorgeous, and you're smart,
you're passionate, funny.
Copy !req
1481. I'm just so happy I met you.
Copy !req
1482. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
1483. Friends. Friends forever.
Copy !req
1484. Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
1485. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, what are we doing?
Copy !req
1486. Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no.
Hey, hey, Alex.
Copy !req
1487. I just never felt this way
about a woman before.
Copy !req
1488. Because you're gay.
Copy !req
1489. And you're married.
And you're my client.
Copy !req
1490. This is so wrong!
Copy !req
1491. No, it's not about right or wrong,
Copy !req
1492. or gay or straight,
or hard or soft. It's...
Copy !req
1493. Wow.
Copy !req
1494. No! I can't see you.
Copy !req
1495. I can't see you.
Except as a client.
Copy !req
1496. Alex, don't say that. Please?
Copy !req
1497. I believe in marriage.
I believe in what it represents.
Copy !req
1498. I betrayed you. I betrayed Larry!
Oh, my God, poor Larry!
Copy !req
1499. Larry, he's a great guy, but I gotta be
honest with you, our marriage is...
Copy !req
1500. All he does is watch his baseball games,
and, like, I don't even exist anymore!
Copy !req
1501. You have to go. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1502. He hits me, though.
Copy !req
1503. I'm so sorry.
Please, please, please go.
Copy !req
1504. Hey!
Copy !req
1505. What the hell's going on out here?
Copy !req
1506. Nothing. I'm just draining a few buckets
with Eric and Tori over here,
Copy !req
1507. making small talk, you know?
Copy !req
1508. You'd think on such a nice day,
Copy !req
1509. your husband would want to
spend time with his family.
Copy !req
1510. Where is he, anyway?
Is he out straight-bashing again?
Copy !req
1511. No, he's at his mother's.
He's taking her to the movies.
Copy !req
1512. No, Daddy.
He's with that smoking hot lawyer lady
Copy !req
1513. he always talks about
when you're not around.
Copy !req
1514. He is?
Copy !req
1515. Hey!
Copy !req
1516. I just felt a breeze,
Mr. Valentine,
Copy !req
1517. and that breeze is blowing
straight towards justice.
Copy !req
1518. Hey, guys, we got a perpetrator
lodged in the air duct.
Copy !req
1519. Apparently tried to break in last night,
got stuck.
Copy !req
1520. You're the guys
from the newspaper, right?
Copy !req
1521. Yeah, that's us. All right, well,
then you're gonna love this.
Copy !req
1522. The guy got stuck upside-down,
so his ass is still hanging out for you.
Copy !req
1523. That's pretty funny.
Did your moustache come up with that?
Copy !req
1524. Oh, I'm sorry,
I don't speak Gayanese.
Copy !req
1525. Hey, anybody!
You gotta get me out of here!
Copy !req
1526. I just peed on my face!
Copy !req
1527. All right, relax, buddy,
I'm here to help.
Copy !req
1528. Unlike some people around here,
who only help themselves.
Copy !req
1529. Who are you talking about? You.
Copy !req
1530. Why? What happened?
Copy !req
1531. Fitzer came by today,
and Tori told him about
Copy !req
1532. your obsession
with our hot-ass lawyer.
Copy !req
1533. Obsession? What? What?
What is she talking about?
Copy !req
1534. Don't even give me that,
Mr. I'm Taking My Mom To A Movie.
Copy !req
1535. You know what?
Maybe if you were around today,
Copy !req
1536. Fitzer would actually think that,
I don't know, you like me.
Copy !req
1537. Hey, man, I gotta lie to you!
Copy !req
1538. Thanks to you,
I gotta lie to everybody!
Copy !req
1539. Especially Alex!
I can't be honest with her!
Copy !req
1540. I can't even get close to her.
I can't even have freaking fun with her!
Copy !req
1541. Why can't you have fun with me?
We always used to have fun. I just...
Copy !req
1542. Because you've changed!
Copy !req
1543. Ever since you forced me
to marry you,
Copy !req
1544. you're so goddamn controlling.
Copy !req
1545. You don't act like my freaking husband,
you act like my boss.
Copy !req
1546. "Don't do this!"Don't do that!"
"Hey, what time you coming home tonight?"
Copy !req
1547. You're smothering me, man!
I can't freaking breathe!
Copy !req
1548. What you guys need
is a bubble bath.
Copy !req
1549. Shut up!
Copy !req
1550. Idiot, the only reason you're feeling that way
is because you're afraid of feeling trapped.
Copy !req
1551. That's what happens
when you get married!
Copy !req
1552. Fat-ass, we're not
really married!
Copy !req
1553. I'm just in some gay,
crazy nightmare!
Copy !req
1554. Yeah, that you can't commit to,
'cause you can't commit to anything!
Copy !req
1555. I swear to God, I feel like I'm the only
one who's trying to make this thing work!
Copy !req
1556. Work! That's right, it's become work!
This relationship is work!
Copy !req
1557. Face it, we are not
supposed to be together.
Copy !req
1558. I found somebody
I really want to be with.
Copy !req
1559. Instead of being jealous of that,
why don't you do the same?
Copy !req
1560. Because I still love my wife.
Copy !req
1561. Well, move on already.
Copy !req
1562. Your house is like
a freaking shrine to Paula!
Copy !req
1563. One of these days
you gotta get a real wife,
Copy !req
1564. one that your kids don't gotta
lie about every two seconds.
Copy !req
1565. No, you can't keep it in your pants
for five minutes,
Copy !req
1566. and that's why we're
so screwed up now!
Copy !req
1567. Whoa, back up, buddy.
You know why we're in this jam.
Copy !req
1568. 'Cause you can't open
your freaking mail!
Copy !req
1569. Everything with Paula's name on it
gets tossed in a desk
Copy !req
1570. and filed under
"Too painful to deal with"!
Copy !req
1571. Guys, could you at least call
another fire department?
Copy !req
1572. What is your rush, idiot?
You're going straight to jail anyway.
Copy !req
1573. You know what? I cannot deal with sleeping
next to your stupid, ugly face tonight.
Copy !req
1574. So don't bother coming
in the bedroom.
Copy !req
1575. Oh, wouldn't dream of it, honey.
Copy !req
1576. You are a lousy best friend
and a shitty husband!
Copy !req
1577. Hey! For the record,
every time I laughed at one of your jokes,
Copy !req
1578. I was faking it.
Copy !req
1579. You're a monster!
Copy !req
1580. Oh, my God, it's Mr. February!
Copy !req
1581. I love you, I love you, I love you!
Copy !req
1582. I love you!
Copy !req
1583. Wow, that's a gay bracelet.
Copy !req
1584. I hope Fitzer sees that.
Copy !req
1585. Shut up.
Copy !req
1586. You needed to see us?
Copy !req
1587. Shut the door.
Copy !req
1588. You know,
for the first time this month,
Copy !req
1589. I pissed without spraying
in all three urinals at once,
Copy !req
1590. so I was in a relatively good mood.
Copy !req
1591. Until I received this.
Copy !req
1592. Seems the guys in the company
took a meeting.
Copy !req
1593. They all signed that petition requesting
that I transfer you both out of here.
Copy !req
1594. What?
And you're gonna listen to these idiots?
Copy !req
1595. I'm not gonna do it,
but I have to do something
Copy !req
1596. to keep the peace.
Copy !req
1597. Now, personally,
I think it's just a matter of time
Copy !req
1598. before your little act gets busted.
Until then, you're on separate shifts.
Copy !req
1599. What? Separate shifts?
Copy !req
1600. Hey, we've been together forever!
Copy !req
1601. So were my balls,
and now I only have one of them.
Copy !req
1602. Wow.
Copy !req
1603. Valentine, go to work.
Levine, go home.
Copy !req
1604. Hey, fellas!
Copy !req
1605. Hey. Heard you guys have been
circulating a petition.
Copy !req
1606. You mind if I take a look at it?
Copy !req
1607. Oh, what do you know?
I got it right here.
Copy !req
1608. It's impressive. Lot of names.
Copy !req
1609. Let's go down the list,
see who we got here.
Copy !req
1610. Nootzie! Hey, you remember that time
Chuck and I ran back in that textile plant
Copy !req
1611. and dragged your limp body out?
Copy !req
1612. Even though Chuck's leg was broken,
like, in three different places?
Copy !req
1613. I mean, that was pretty
freaking gay of Chuck, huh?
Copy !req
1614. Wow. Renaldo!
Copy !req
1615. Man, I remember your first day
on the job.
Copy !req
1616. Remember you were so scared
you actually crapped yourself?
Copy !req
1617. And Chuck and I,
we snuck you back in here,
Copy !req
1618. we cleaned you up
so nobody'd find out.
Copy !req
1619. You begged us not to tell anyone,
and did we?
Copy !req
1620. Let's ask.
Copy !req
1621. You guys hear that story before right now?
Show of hands?
Copy !req
1622. No, but it's hilarious.
Copy !req
1623. Yeah, it is hilarious.
Copy !req
1624. Tony! Nice signature.
Copy !req
1625. Hey, is that the same one you used
to endorse the check that Chuck gave you
Copy !req
1626. when you gambled away
your mortgage payment on college football?
Copy !req
1627. I guess his money wasn't
too gay to bail you out
Copy !req
1628. or keep your wife
from leaving you again.
Copy !req
1629. Again?
Copy !req
1630. I guess Chuck's
not enough of a man
Copy !req
1631. to work next to big strong heroes
like you guys.
Copy !req
1632. Oh, look at that. Fire.
Copy !req
1633. Well, I hope it's not a bad one,
Copy !req
1634. 'cause the faggot who's been
saving your sorry asses
Copy !req
1635. is now, thanks to you,
working on another shift. Let's go!
Copy !req
1636. "That's when Sadie said,
Copy !req
1637. "'Love will always help you
find your way home."'
Copy !req
1638. Sleeping. Sleeping.
Copy !req
1639. That was easy.
Copy !req
1640. Paula, you know I love you.
Copy !req
1641. I gotta.
Copy !req
1642. Hey.
Copy !req
1643. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1644. Me, too.
Copy !req
1645. That stuff I said...
Copy !req
1646. I know.
Copy !req
1647. Can I sleep in the bed tonight?
Copy !req
1648. I'd like that.
Copy !req
1649. All right.
Copy !req
1650. Come here. Yeah.
Copy !req
1651. Handle with care.
Copy !req
1652. Larry...
Copy !req
1653. Don't let him sleep
on top of me again, Larry.
Copy !req
1654. Don't do the voice.
I will kill you, I swear.
Copy !req
1655. Okay, then.
Copy !req
1656. Hey! Hey, hey!
Copy !req
1657. You ready for your big day,
little man?
Copy !req
1658. Big day?
Copy !req
1659. My audition, Dad. Me and Uncle Chuck
have been practicing for weeks.
Copy !req
1660. He wanted to work with you,
but I was around, so...
Copy !req
1661. Why don't you do one last rehearsal,
let your father play the Annie role?
Copy !req
1662. Fabulicious! I'll get my music!
Copy !req
1663. Did you hear that?
It's fabulicious!
Copy !req
1664. Hey, come on, come on. Okay.
Copy !req
1665. May, me, my,
mo, mo Me, my, mo, may.
Copy !req
1666. Anything you can do, I can do better
I can do anything better than you.
Copy !req
1667. No, you can't Yes, I can.
Copy !req
1668. No, you can't.
Copy !req
1669. Yes, I can, yes, I can.
Copy !req
1670. Yes, he can! Hit it!
Copy !req
1671. There's my star!
Copy !req
1672. Turn it around, and a flip, flip, flip,
flippety-flip and a skip.
Copy !req
1673. Double-time!
Copy !req
1674. And a Russian split!
Copy !req
1675. Oh, you nailed it!
Copy !req
1676. My kid is pretty awesome.
Copy !req
1677. There's only one guy I know
who can dance better than that.
Copy !req
1678. Who? The homeless guy
from our wedding.
Copy !req
1679. That dude was pretty good. Yeah!
Copy !req
1680. Balls and wieners.
Copy !req
1681. Is it true?
Copy !req
1682. Alex?
Copy !req
1683. Look at this.
Copy !req
1684. Sixteen depositions from women
who claim to have slept with you
Copy !req
1685. over the last year and a half.
Copy !req
1686. Just 16?
Copy !req
1687. Thank God the 500 other ones
couldn't read or write.
Copy !req
1688. Wait a minute.
You knew about him and all these women?
Copy !req
1689. Alex, know what it is?
We've been through this before.
Copy !req
1690. Chuck's...
Copy !req
1691. He's got a bit of a problem.
Copy !req
1692. He messes around
with women because
Copy !req
1693. he's ashamed of being gay.
Copy !req
1694. Now, is it all just about you,
Copy !req
1695. or do you really just don't consider
anybody else's feelings?
Copy !req
1696. No, I don't.
I'm just a big gay jerk.
Copy !req
1697. What are you doing?
You know you like that.
Copy !req
1698. Guys, guys, the shit is
about to hit the fan, okay?
Copy !req
1699. And if I'm gonna defend you,
Copy !req
1700. I have to know the truth.
Copy !req
1701. You have to look me in the eyes
and tell me that you are gay
Copy !req
1702. and that this marriage
is legitimate.
Copy !req
1703. Alex, we're gay, okay?
Copy !req
1704. And we are married.
Copy !req
1705. It's real.
Copy !req
1706. Can you help us out?
Copy !req
1707. Okay.
Copy !req
1708. Okay. This investigation is
gonna get rough.
Copy !req
1709. They are gonna quiz you
about every detail of your lives,
Copy !req
1710. every aspect
of your relationship.
Copy !req
1711. But since you guys are telling the truth,
then I'm sure you'll be fine.
Copy !req
1712. Just for the record, I thought
this was a man when I was with her.
Copy !req
1713. Does that help us out at all?
Copy !req
1714. Let's go over it again.
Your birthday?
Copy !req
1715. April 26th. Taurus.
Copy !req
1716. Got it.
Copy !req
1717. Yours?
Copy !req
1718. September 9th. Virgo.
Copy !req
1719. How about
your favorite brand of underwear?
Copy !req
1720. That would be Mr. Calvin Klein.
Copy !req
1721. I can tell you
my least favorite.
Copy !req
1722. Whoa!
Copy !req
1723. I love you, Mr. February!
Copy !req
1724. You're going down!
You're an abomination! Homo!
Copy !req
1725. I'm on fire! Help me!
Copy !req
1726. We're all with you, Larry!
Copy !req
1727. Fear the queer!
Copy !req
1728. Thou shalt not lie with men!
Copy !req
1729. All right, Mr. February,
Copy !req
1730. let's go show these guys
how married we are.
Copy !req
1731. What the heck?
Copy !req
1732. What are you guys doing here?
Copy !req
1733. We're here to apologize and back you up,
like you always did for us.
Copy !req
1734. Yeah, we all lost a lot of friends on
this job that we will never get back.
Copy !req
1735. We don't want to lose two more
because we were being thickheaded.
Copy !req
1736. Yeah. We're partners for life.
Copy !req
1737. Not partners like youse two,
Copy !req
1738. but you know what I mean.
Copy !req
1739. Yeah.
Copy !req
1740. I love youse guys.
Copy !req
1741. That's all right, man.
Copy !req
1742. Molest him! No, I'm just kidding.
I'm kidding you, Nootz. I'm kidding.
Copy !req
1743. Hey, Chuckie. Yeah?
Copy !req
1744. I gotta ask you something.
I mean... What's up?
Copy !req
1745. Why'd you pick Larry?
Copy !req
1746. I mean, I work out,
I tweeze my unibrow.
Copy !req
1747. Am I not good-looking enough for you
or some shit?
Copy !req
1748. No, no, no.
Renaldo, you're just not my type.
Copy !req
1749. You're a 10.
Copy !req
1750. I just like them chubby.
That's my thing.
Copy !req
1751. I'm a 10!
Copy !req
1752. You hear that? I'm a 10!
Copy !req
1753. On a scale to 100.
Copy !req
1754. You're just jealous
'cause gay guys like me.
Copy !req
1755. Good morning, everyone.
I'm Daniel Banks, City Council President,
Copy !req
1756. and I'll be presiding
over these proceedings.
Copy !req
1757. It's going to be a long day,
so let's dispense with the preliminaries
Copy !req
1758. and just get started. Mr. Fitzer.
Copy !req
1759. Thank you, Your Councilship.
Copy !req
1760. It's for later.
Copy !req
1761. Mr. Valentine,
please tell us why you married Mr. Levine.
Copy !req
1762. Love.
Copy !req
1763. Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm talking about!
Gay love!
Copy !req
1764. Please sit down, sir.
Copy !req
1765. Sorry.
Copy !req
1766. Mr. Levine. Yeah.
Copy !req
1767. Sixteen local women
claim to have had
Copy !req
1768. sexual relations with you
as recently as mid-April,
Copy !req
1769. including four Canadian strippers
the morning of your "marriage."
Copy !req
1770. That's true. I did have
sexual relationships with them girls,
Copy !req
1771. but I was kind of having
a commitment issue.
Copy !req
1772. Larry's forgiven me for that.
Copy !req
1773. And that's all that counts to me
is what Larry thinks.
Copy !req
1774. That's right, Fitzer, you suck!
Copy !req
1775. One more and you're out, sir.
Copy !req
1776. Sorry, sir, you're cool. He sucks.
I'm gay. I'm out. All right.
Copy !req
1777. We should question them ex parte.
Copy !req
1778. Gentlemen. Yeah?
Copy !req
1779. At this time,
we'd like to interview you individually.
Copy !req
1780. Mr. Levine, please step outside.
Copy !req
1781. Yeah. No problem.
Copy !req
1782. I'll miss you.
Copy !req
1783. I'll miss you, too, buddy.
Copy !req
1784. I like it rough!
Copy !req
1785. One for the road.
Copy !req
1786. Like it rough.
Copy !req
1787. I did the cooking
until Chuck moved in.
Copy !req
1788. The toilet was thankful.
Copy !req
1789. He ain't the greatest chef in the world.
I'm Wolfgang Puck to his Wolfgang Suck.
Copy !req
1790. We met back in the fire academy in 1987.
Copy !req
1791. I was top of our class.
Copy !req
1792. He burned off his eyebrows first day. Gone.
Copy !req
1793. Larry tried to eat the fire,
I remember that.
Copy !req
1794. His favorite song,
Don't Fear the Reaper, Blue Oyster Cult.
Copy !req
1795. You're Beautiful by James Blunt.
And people think I'm the woman.
Copy !req
1796. You're beautiful.
Copy !req
1797. Just gets me every time.
I don't know.
Copy !req
1798. You're beautiful.
Copy !req
1799. That is a nice song.
Copy !req
1800. The thing he likes most about me
is probably my love handles.
Copy !req
1801. All of them.
Copy !req
1802. I'd say my sweet, sensitive eyes,
like that of a kitten.
Copy !req
1803. The worst day
we ever had on the job?
Copy !req
1804. This little kid fell
in a swimming pool.
Copy !req
1805. Chuck was the first one there.
Copy !req
1806. I dove in.
Copy !req
1807. He pulled him out.
Copy !req
1808. I worked on him.
Copy !req
1809. Worked on him, worked on him, but...
Copy !req
1810. And Larry stayed with me
all that night.
Copy !req
1811. I just couldn't get that kid
out of my head.
Copy !req
1812. When my wife died...
Copy !req
1813. That was the worst.
Copy !req
1814. I collapsed.
Copy !req
1815. He knew it was coming, but...
Copy !req
1816. What we have,
it's beyond friendship.
Copy !req
1817. He's the best man I know.
Copy !req
1818. I'd do anything for him.
Copy !req
1819. I love him.
Copy !req
1820. What's going on? How'd you do?
Copy !req
1821. It was good. It was no problem.
Copy !req
1822. You want me to grab those?
See if they're real again?
Copy !req
1823. I'm sorry?
Copy !req
1824. I says are we done yet?
Copy !req
1825. Not quite. They want to talk to the kids.
Copy !req
1826. Now, why don't you tell us
about their sleeping arrangements?
Copy !req
1827. Dad and Uncle Chuck
sleep in the same bed.
Copy !req
1828. Do you know why?
Copy !req
1829. 'Cause they do everything together.
Copy !req
1830. Just like Will and Grace.
Copy !req
1831. It is kind of an unusual
situation, isn't it?
Copy !req
1832. Having two fathers?
Copy !req
1833. I don't have two fathers.
Copy !req
1834. I have my daddy,
Copy !req
1835. and Uncle Chuck is more like a mommy,
'cause to me he seems like a girl.
Copy !req
1836. Why am I the woman?
I don't get it.
Copy !req
1837. Okay, that's all, thank you.
Copy !req
1838. Bottlenose dolphins.
Copy !req
1839. Orcas, gray whales, harbor seals
and West lndian manatees.
Copy !req
1840. Huh?
Copy !req
1841. Species that sometimes mate
with the same sex.
Copy !req
1842. Bottlenose dolphins, orcas, gray whales,
harbor seals and West lndian manatees.
Copy !req
1843. I didn't know that.
But now I'm glad I do.
Copy !req
1844. Thank you, my dear.
Copy !req
1845. Remind me never to go skinny-dipping
with the bottlenose dolphins.
Copy !req
1846. I just have to say
that as a fellow gay fireman...
Copy !req
1847. He's gay, too?
Copy !req
1848. That's right, fellas, I'm gay.
Copy !req
1849. You guys have
a problem with that?
Copy !req
1850. No, no problem.
You do whatever you like. Yeah.
Copy !req
1851. And Chuck and Larry,
Copy !req
1852. you've inspired me
to want to find my soul mate.
Copy !req
1853. Wherever he may be.
Copy !req
1854. Hey, I'm a 10. I'm a 10.
Copy !req
1855. You're not my type. Sorry.
Copy !req
1856. Fitzer, can we wrap this up?
Copy !req
1857. I just have one more question to ask,
Copy !req
1858. if these gentlemen would
indulge me for a moment.
Copy !req
1859. By all means, Mr. Fitzer.
Copy !req
1860. Chuck, Larry,
Copy !req
1861. would you say that there's a fair amount
of passion in your relationship?
Copy !req
1862. Absolutely.
Copy !req
1863. More passion than you can imagine, buddy.
Copy !req
1864. Yes.How wonderful.
Copy !req
1865. Now, if you'd be so kind,
I'd like you to kiss each other.
Copy !req
1866. You'd like to... What was that?
Copy !req
1867. Councilman Banks, my clients have been
more than accommodating.
Copy !req
1868. And to ask for a display of intimacy
in the middle of a crowded room
Copy !req
1869. is simply demeaning.
Copy !req
1870. I'm afraid I have to agree.
We seem to have gone
Copy !req
1871. from a hearing about fraud
to some kind of weird gay witch hunt.
Copy !req
1872. I'm just saying,
Your Exellegance,
Copy !req
1873. that if these two men are
as in love as they say they are,
Copy !req
1874. I don't see why
this should be a problem.
Copy !req
1875. I'm just asking for one kiss, Councilman.
Copy !req
1876. Yeah! Come on, fellas,
show them how real men kiss! Come on!
Copy !req
1877. I will not stand for it! This is
unbelievable! No. Absolutely not.
Copy !req
1878. Hey, come on, no.
The Councilman agreed.
Copy !req
1879. It's demeaning to us.
Copy !req
1880. Plus, we don't want to get you all horny.
Me and this guy, we... It could get steamy.
Copy !req
1881. Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Copy !req
1882. Order.
Copy !req
1883. Order!
Copy !req
1884. Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Copy !req
1885. I'm not doing this, Alex.
Copy !req
1886. You know what? Just go for it.
Copy !req
1887. Well? Order!
Copy !req
1888. I guess it's showtime.
Copy !req
1889. Going in straight...
Copy !req
1890. Coming out gay?
Copy !req
1891. Enough! I'd rather change
my grandfather's diaper
Copy !req
1892. than see two straight guys kissing.
Copy !req
1893. But we're not straight.
Copy !req
1894. We're not.
We're in gay love, Captain!
Copy !req
1895. Can't you deal with that?
Oh, shut up.
Copy !req
1896. If these gentlemen are gay,
then I'm a one-legged parrot.
Copy !req
1897. Anybody seen me
with a crutch and a cracker?
Copy !req
1898. I didn't think so.
Copy !req
1899. And who might you be, sir?
Copy !req
1900. Captain Phineas J. Tucker, Councilman.
Copy !req
1901. You may search my record.
I hold multiple citations
Copy !req
1902. from Mayor Dinkins, Mayor Koch and,
of course, the great Mayor Giuliani.
Copy !req
1903. And let me tell you something.
These men definitely broke the rules.
Copy !req
1904. They lied on a government form
and they swore it was true,
Copy !req
1905. which is despicable.
Copy !req
1906. But interestingly enough, Excellency,
Copy !req
1907. even though they were
deceitful to us all,
Copy !req
1908. I actually believe
they ended up doing some good.
Copy !req
1909. What good are you speaking of, Captain?
Copy !req
1910. Well, first off,
Copy !req
1911. they let us know
that when a friend is in need,
Copy !req
1912. you go beyond extraordinary
lengths to help out.
Copy !req
1913. Whenever, whatever.
That's the code.
Copy !req
1914. Then they apparently inspired
fellow firefighter Fred G. Duncan
Copy !req
1915. to come out of his super-sized closet,
Copy !req
1916. thus releasing his rage
Copy !req
1917. and preventing what looked like to be
an inevitable killing spree.
Copy !req
1918. And most importantly,
Copy !req
1919. they showed us
that no matter whom we choose to love,
Copy !req
1920. be they heterosexual, homosexual, asexual,
bisexual, trisexual, quadrisexual,
Copy !req
1921. pansexual, transsexual, omnisexual,
Copy !req
1922. or that thing where the chick ties the belt
around your neck and tinkles on a balloon,
Copy !req
1923. it has absolutely nothing to do
with who we are as people.
Copy !req
1924. It's true, Councilman Banks.
Copy !req
1925. Let them know.
Copy !req
1926. We're not gay.
Copy !req
1927. No.
Copy !req
1928. Unfortunately, we hurt people,
Copy !req
1929. people we wouldn't want to hurt
in a million years, by doing what we did.
Copy !req
1930. For the record,
the word "faggot," that's a bad word.
Copy !req
1931. Don't use it.
I used to say it more than anybody,
Copy !req
1932. but I was ignorant.
It's hurtful.
Copy !req
1933. It's like "kike" for me.
Copy !req
1934. Or "fat boy" for me.
Copy !req
1935. It stings a little
when you poke fun of my weight.
Copy !req
1936. I didn't know that.
Yeah, sometimes it...
Copy !req
1937. I only do it 'cause you do it.
I know, but I work hard...
Copy !req
1938. What is this? Gays of Our Lives?
Copy !req
1939. Shall we cue the violins?
Copy !req
1940. This isn't a folk concert,
it's a hearing.
Copy !req
1941. And I believe I hear the sound
of two felons going to jail
Copy !req
1942. for stealing from the City of New York.
Copy !req
1943. What exactly have we stolen? Nothing!
Copy !req
1944. Due to a weird rule
in a flawed system,
Copy !req
1945. my friend Larry here had
to create this lie.
Copy !req
1946. The system may be flawed at times,
Mr. Feb-blueberry.
Copy !req
1947. "I'm in a calendar!"
Copy !req
1948. But it's the law.
And we all have to abide by it.
Copy !req
1949. I'm sorry,
but you did break the law.
Copy !req
1950. Oh, God.
Copy !req
1951. Daddy!
Copy !req
1952. Councilman Banks. Councilman.
Copy !req
1953. Well, you better
have cuffs for three,
Copy !req
1954. because I'm going
to jail with them.
Copy !req
1955. How is that, Captain?
Copy !req
1956. I'm a co-conspirator.
I knew all about this little scam
Copy !req
1957. from day one,
and I didn't say a thing about it.
Copy !req
1958. Captain!
You don't have to do this. Please.
Copy !req
1959. Yeah, he didn't know nothing.
Copy !req
1960. Fine. I'll have all three of you arrested.
Copy !req
1961. Slap some cuffs on me,
'cause I helped them plan the wedding.
Copy !req
1962. I drove them to the airport.
Copy !req
1963. I picked out Chuck's dress.
Copy !req
1964. Yeah, I knew about it.
Copy !req
1965. Dress? Why does everybody
assume I'm the woman?
Copy !req
1966. Is it the way I walk?
What is it?
Copy !req
1967. And I caught the bouquet!
In my mouth. I liked it.
Copy !req
1968. See, that's the way it works
with us firemen, sir.
Copy !req
1969. You throw one of us in the fire,
we all go rushing in.
Copy !req
1970. You throw one of us in jail, you gotta
throw the whole lot of us in jail.
Copy !req
1971. So? What's it gonna be?
Copy !req
1972. Everything would have been fine
if you'd just let
Copy !req
1973. me and Larry make out
like we were gonna.
Copy !req
1974. Then you had to go
all Knute Rockne on us.
Copy !req
1975. I am your commanding officer.
I will not be addressed in that manner.
Copy !req
1976. Not in here you're not,
you porcupine-head.
Copy !req
1977. No, in here you're the big mouth
who got us locked up.
Copy !req
1978. We should whup your ass!
Copy !req
1979. Yeah! Yeah!
Copy !req
1980. That's right.
Copy !req
1981. Hey, Chuck.
Copy !req
1982. Jeez, Larry. What?
Copy !req
1983. Free Chuck and Larry!
Free Chuck and Larry!
Copy !req
1984. What?
Copy !req
1985. Yo, dum-dums! You got a visitor.
Copy !req
1986. Well, gentlemen,
that was quite a hearing.
Copy !req
1987. Mr. Levine, Mr. Valentine.
Copy !req
1988. All right.
Copy !req
1989. The city would like to offer you a deal.
Copy !req
1990. We're willing to drop all charges
and allow you to keep your benefits,
Copy !req
1991. with two conditions.
Copy !req
1992. One, you plead guilty
to falsifying a government form.
Copy !req
1993. The charge is reduced to a misdemeanor,
you get a slap on the wrist,
Copy !req
1994. and the city saves face.
Copy !req
1995. Done. Done. Absolutely.
Copy !req
1996. Two, you are celebrities
in the gay community now.
Copy !req
1997. They've obviously
not only accepted your apology,
Copy !req
1998. they think you're heroes.
Copy !req
1999. Now, raising money
for AIDS research is still very crucial,
Copy !req
2000. and the community has
figured out a way for you all to help.
Copy !req
2001. Whatever it takes. Yeah.
Copy !req
2002. What do you need us to do?
We're in.
Copy !req
2003. These two guys right here talking
about doing something pretty serious.
Copy !req
2004. Making a commitment
to love each other forever.
Copy !req
2005. Now before, they were on the down-low,
living a life that was a lie.
Copy !req
2006. Now, in a lie,
it's like a circle.
Copy !req
2007. It never ends.
Copy !req
2008. You know?
It's not like a rectangle.
Copy !req
2009. 'Cause that has a bunch of,
you know, places that stop.
Copy !req
2010. This one is a big circle of...
Copy !req
2011. Okay, you know, wrap up the circle thing.
Come on.
Copy !req
2012. Moving on.
Copy !req
2013. I'm gonna move quicker now.
Copy !req
2014. Do you, Kevin "Butterfly" McDonough,
Copy !req
2015. take Fred G. Duncan to be
your lawful wedded partner?
Copy !req
2016. I dizoo.
Copy !req
2017. And do you, Fred G. Duncan,
Copy !req
2018. take this guy over here
to be your lawfully wedded partner?
Copy !req
2019. I do.
Copy !req
2020. Well, then, by the power vested in me
Copy !req
2021. by the Commonwealth of Canada
and the Province of Ontario,
Copy !req
2022. which has always been very pro-gay,
unlike that uptight country to the south,
Copy !req
2023. it's my pleasure to now pronounce
you husband and husband, partners for life.
Copy !req
2024. There's my lawyer.
Copy !req
2025. You don't wanna dance, do you?
Copy !req
2026. I don't think so.
Copy !req
2027. Your brother forgave me.
Now, why can't you?
Copy !req
2028. Well, my brother wasn't the one
that you felt up under false pretenses.
Copy !req
2029. You mean you only let me touch your boobs
'cause you thought I was gay?
Copy !req
2030. That's sexist.
Copy !req
2031. I could bring that to the courtroom.
You could be my lawyer.
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2032. Look at Larry, though.
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2033. Looks like he took my advice
and moved on.
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2034. Which is great for him, but I don't
have anybody to hang out with anymore.
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2035. I mean, these bracelets here...
It says, "Friends forever."
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2036. I haven't taken this thing off
since we made them that day. You?
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2037. Yeah, that's what I thought.
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2038. Well, you've got about 30 seconds
before I come to my senses.
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2039. Really? Yes.
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2040. And this is my jam, too.
Come on.
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2041. What a delicious-looking cake!
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2042. Oh, maybe Tori
would like to try it.
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2043. That's nice. You gay, her father.
It's nice.
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2044. No, I'm not gay.
This is Larry's daughter, Tori.
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2045. Oh, it's okay, man.
You can come out of the down-low.
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2046. I don't have to come out!
I'm married.
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2047. Which one's your husband?
You point him out.
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2048. No, no! The lady in there.
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2049. Which guy?
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2050. No, no guy. No.
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2051. Hey, you know when you lie,
it's like a circle.
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