On their wedding night, Grant begins experiencing strange, supernatural powers and his bride Keri can't cope. Whenever Grant thinks of something, it becomes reality, yet he doesn't know where this magic came from. Things become more complicated when ...
!req I Married a Strange Person! 1998 [I Married a Strange Person!]
Syntax: !req MOVIE YEAR [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)
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1. - Well, back to work.
2. You know I love you,
3. but I've got to finish
this Beckerman account.
4. - How about one of
your hot kisses?
5. Let me look into
your bedroom eyes.
6. - Hey, hey, hey!
7. I'm trying to sleep here!
8. - Oh, Grant, you're awfully big. In fact, you're very, very big!
9. Mother, you wont believe—
10. The phones dead.
11. Oh, hello, darling.
12. - Hello, sweetie.
- Come in, sweetie.- Mother, Grant is
not the same man I married.
13. He's changed.
14. Your father and
I never approved of Grant.
15. You could do better.
16. Mother, some
very strange things
17. have been happening.
18. You know men.
19. They have certain needs.
20. No, I mean really
bizarre things.
21. Oh, it's
gotten that far?
22. Soup's on!
23. - Dear God, thank you
for this bountiful food
24. that graces our lovely table.
25. I realize you didn't
actually plant
26. and fertilize this
delightful meal.
27. And don't forget your shipping
and your distribution.
28. Then you got your packaging
and your advertising.
29. Then those fucking sale
taxes, Jesus Christ!
30. Those goddamn
clowns in Washington!
31. Always gouging the
fucking middle class.
32. I swear, I'm gonna get my gun
33. and kill those motherfu—
34. - Amen!
35. - Could I please have the salt?
36. - We try to keep this
house as clean as possible. Otherwise, we get bugs.
37. - Oh, Mother!
38. - Bugs?
39. - Those ugly, dirty creatures.
40. Buggy, buggy, buggy.
41. Buggy, buggy, buggy.
42. - Mother, are you okay?
43. - We don't approve of that
kind of music in this house.
44. - Music?
45. - Ooh.
46. - You, young men are
my top talent.
47. SmileCorp needs you.
48. So I've asked you here
to present your new shows
49. for the upcoming season.
50. - My show is the
ultimate in high art.
51. Roll the tape.
52. - Hmm.
53. - My idea is very revolutionary.
54. It's called World Class
Amoeba Wrestling.
55. - Uh, I have a wonderful
idea for a show.
56. Called, Rocks in Love.
57. Hey, how
about a kiss?
58. I'm not
that kind of rock.
59. - I've got it!
60. The Belching Amoeba
Rocks in Love!
61. Brilliant, brilliant!
62. He's a genius!
63. - Hey, Grant, how's it hanging?
64. It's a great day
for cuttin' grass!
65. Woo, look at me!
66. Hey, check it out!
67. Woo!
68. Look, Ma, no hands!
69. Yee-haw!
70. Hey, Bud!
71. Do you mind?
72. Look at what that
maniac is doing
73. to my brothers and sisters.
74. Why do you people spend
hundreds of dollarson fertilizer and
plant food on us?
75. And then perform
horticultural genocide?
76. If we were bigger, you
wouldn't be doing this to us.
77. I'm gonna kill you!
78. Cut you up!
79. Push him back!
80. Push him back, way back!
81. Push him back, push him back!
82. Way back!
83. Cut the human, cut the human!
84. Cut the human!
85. Cut the human, cut the human!
86. Cut the human!
87. Poke his eye, poke his eye!
88. Poke his—
89. Yeah, I'm gonna
kill ya, I'm gonna kill ya!
90. Yeah, yeah, yeah!
91. Bash his head!
92. Bash his head, bash his head!
93. Bash his head, bash his head!
94. Mulch the dude, mulch the dude!
95. Mulch the dude!
96. - Grant, save me!
97. Grant, help me!
98. - I'm really sorry
about all that,
99. but its been a very
weird day for me.
100. Hello, operator?
101. Get me the Jackie Jason show.
102. My neighbor, Grant, he has
some amazing magical powers.
103. Whats wrong with Grant?
104. Did he enroll in magic school?
105. Or is he some kind
of superhuman?
106. Grant, what's happening
to our marriage?
107. You're so different.
108. - Listen, Keri.
109. I don't know why I'm so weird,
110. but when we took
our wedding vows,
111. we promised unconditional love.
112. If you got fat and wrinkled,
I'd still love you.
113. - Grant, Grant, save me!
114. Grant, save me!
115. Grant, save me!
116. Get it down from me!
117. Grant!
118. Grant, save me!
119. Grant!
120. Get away!
121. Get down, get down!
122. - See, I still love you.
123. Love makes problems disappear.
124. - Hello!
125. - Come on over, baby.
126. Grant, stop
this right now.
127. Damn it, Grant!
128. When we have sex, I want you
to have it with me alone!
129. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
130. Grant!
131. Stop this, right now!
132. They're
not up there anymore!
133. Oh, Edgar.
134. Here he is,
the toast of Hollywood,
135. Jackie Jason!
136. - Hey, do we have
a show for you tonight.
137. The ever-popular Solly Jim,
138. fresh from his big
smash week in Vegas.
139. And Grant Boyer, a
sensational young illusionist.
140. Hey, how bout that
mess in Washington?
141. Crazy stuff, huh?
142. - Wow, Solly Jim!
143. I wish my wife were here to
meet you, but she's leaving me.
144. She thinks I'm a nutcase.
145. God, what is happening
to my life?
146. - You seem depressed, Grant.
147. It's a mess!
148. I'm at the end of my tether.
149. Oh, God.
150. Oh, God.
151. - Look at that.
152. You know where that
stuff comes from? Well, it all starts when you
wear a tight-collared shirt. The shirt depresses your
Adam's apple until you yawn,
153. which allows sunlight to
hit the back of your throat.
154. A patch of tiny hairs
grow there,
155. that eventually
becomes a hair ball
156. that falls into the stomach,
157. where it rolls around,
158. and exits through the
stomach escape-hatch.
159. The mix of hair and gunk flows
into the small intestine,
160. where it tickles the
sensitive walls,
161. and is ejected at the speed
162. of sound and hits the rib cage,
163. which aims it at
the belly button.
164. If the velocity is sufficient,
165. it squeezes through the
bounce off your shirt,
166. and gets lodged in
the belly button.
167. - And they found eight
chickens in his pants.
168. Here he is, folks, Mr.
Vegas himself, Solly Jim.
169. - How do you tell when you're
at a bulimic bachelor party?
170. The cake pops out of the babe!
171. Did you hear about the artist
172. with a bad case of psoriasis?
173. He asked the model to come
up and see his itchings!
174. Boy, this is a tough audience.
175. My career is over if I don't
get a laugh on this next joke.
176. Here's my impression of a sock.
177. My mother always warned me
about playing with myself.
178. Hey, fella, how about
a little head?
179. Yeah, baby!
180. You!
181. - Hey, Solly, I like the
new direction in the humor.
182. Now get your bloody
head off my couch.
183. Mr. Boyer, you're on.
184. - What do you think, kid?
185. Glad I could
help you out.
186. - Was that your doing, kid?
187. God bless you.
188. You saved my career.
189. If you need anything,
give me a call.
190. Just remember, kid, if you
see someone without a smile,
191. just give 'em one of yours.
192. You've got a
nasty boil here.
193. That won't do for national TV.
194. - Here's our next guest,
Grant Boyer.
195. I hear you do illusions.
196. - Well, uh, I guess.
197. Well, I guess.
198. - Can you turn this
glass into a—
199. Huh?
200. Turn it into a pen.
201. Well, thanks for
joining us, folks.
202. Tomorrow night, we
have Sean Young and—
203. Whoa!
204. Colonel,
did you happen to see
205. the Jackie Jason Show?
206. Well I've asked you here for
a very important mission.
207. Yes, Mr. Giles.
208. - See this man?
209. I want him, get him.
210. Colonel, that was just the
image from the projector.
211. I appreciate your enthusiasm,
but we need this man alive!
212. - Gimme!
213. - No, no!
214. No, no!
215. No, no, no.
216. - I want my gun!
217. Give me my gun!
218. I want my gun!
219. Very well.
220. Now take this.
221. Colonel Ferguson,
get me that man.
222. - Honey, I'm home!
223. Honey!
224. Honey, did you see me on TV?
225. Honey.
226. Ker?
227. Keri, honey.
228. Honey, don't you love me?
229. Boo-boops.
230. Cutesy-wootsy face!
231. Keri, please let me in.
232. We can work this out.
233. I just wanna hold you.
234. What's with Grant?
235. Is he a robot?
236. Or maybe the antichrist?
237. Go away, Grant!
238. You're a very strange person!
239. I hear you
do illusions.
240. Hmm.
241. Ah.
242. Oh!
243. - What?
244. Oh.
245. Hmm.
246. Oh, I see.
247. Aha!
248. So that's his secret weapon.
249. - Yeah, right.
250. Keri, I think I found out
251. where my weird powers came from.
252. - Are you Mr. Grant Boyer?
253. Could you come down for a chat?
254. We saw you on TV.
255. You're quite
a remarkable talent.
256. Are you coming along quietly
257. or do I have to get rough?
258. Well, gee,
I don't know.
259. I really should check
with my wife first.
260. We're newlyweds.
261. - Gotcha!
262. Fire!
263. Or maybe,
he's a space alien.
264. Or a religious messiah.
265. - Hey, you guys, cut that out!
266. - Keri, Keri, please let me in!
267. Ker—
268. Oh, Keri, oh, Keri.
269. Oh, no.
270. It's worse than I thought.
271. He's working for the government.
272. - Try your magic now, Mr. Boyer.
273. Take him away.
274. He's getting away!
275. Fire!
276. - Colonel, why did he get away?
277. And what about
our tank battalion?
278. - They're occupied, sir.
279. - Occupied?
280. - Mmm, doing it.
281. Doing what?
282. - Well, sir, you know, the in and out?
— Well, tell them to stop it.
283. - Have you ever tried to tell
284. a 50-ton tank to
stop having sex?
285. Find him or else!
286. - Welcome to Glass Land.
287. You're my first customer.
288. Hello?
289. Welcome to Glass Land.
290. You're my first customer.
291. It's our grand opening.
292. - Whoa!
293. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
294. Phew!
295. - Have you seen a guy, oh.
296. There he is.
297. - My favorite rhododendron bush.
298. Behind the burro!
299. - My terra-cotta burro.
300. Get him!
301. - My elf on a mushroom ornament.
302. Over there!
303. - My pissin' bumblebee fountain.
304. My ducks-plucking
- elf-eyes birdbath. No!
305. My leaf blower!
306. I've got to
find my husband!
307. - Let the woman go.
308. She's not a prisoner.
309. - Oh, hello, darling.
- Oh, Keri.
310. Are you okay?
311. Come in, darling.
312. Solly, Solly,
are you in there?
313. Let me in, Solly.
314. Solly, let me in.
315. Welcome to How
to Make Love to a Woman.
316. Undressing your mate is
a very delicate matter.
317. It must be done subtly,
yet with authority.
318. I recommend the
diversion technique.
319. Hugging and caressing
are intensely exciting
320. to the frauleins.
321. And when done properly,
322. can leave a lasting impression
on the affaire du coeur.
323. Hmm, that
gives me an idea.
324. Aha!
325. - No, no, no, no!
326. No, no, no.
327. No, no, no.
328. The nipples.
329. Oh, the nipples.
330. Just a light touch with
the thumb and forefinger,
331. and they stand erect—
332. - Oh, God, Jesus!
- Alone without shame. - Wow, that hurts!
- Proud to show themselves off
333. to the world,
334. as if to say to anyone around.
335. - Oh, boy, my eye.
- Here I am.
336. Fondle me, kiss me.
337. Love me, caress me.
338. Take me to the heights
of sensual ecstasy.
339. Exotic accessories are
a very important aspect
340. to proper mating.
341. They insure that the male
is appropriately excited.
342. Such things as spiked heels,
343. fishnet stockings and tassels
344. add an exotic and forbidden
aura to the sex act.
345. Be playful.
346. Have fun with them.
347. That's what they're for.
348. They help spice up the
sensual feast of pleasure.
349. Now that the preliminaries
are out of the way,
350. the mood is set.
351. It's now time for
the ultimate act,
352. the supreme gift of
oneself to another.
353. Keep your
shirt on, I'm coming.
354. Grant, my boy!
355. - I've gotta use your phone.
356. Some army is trying to kill me.
357. And Keri thinks I'm from Mars.
358. - So, are you married?
359. Keri is almost divorced.
360. Hello?
361. Let me talk to Keri.
362. I know she's there.
363. - Oh, its you, well.
364. It's Grant!
365. My, aren't you impulsive!
366. I'm so depressed.
367. My marriage is over.
368. You know where tears come from?
369. When the eye sees
something sad, really sad,
370. tiny light balls travel
371. to the brain through
the optical canal.
372. The brain heats up and
releases sad little flakes.
373. They fall through the sadness
artery into the heart.
374. The heart, heavy from these
brain flakes and bodily fluids,
375. falls, whomp, onto the bladder,
376. which sends a microscopic wave
377. to the upper part of the body.
378. Some goes to the mouth
and causes a frown,
379. and the rest goes to the brain,
380. which is hot with sadness.
381. The fluid hitting the hot
brain produces condensation
382. on the cranium's surface
383. and it slides down an exit
384. through the eye
opening as tears.
385. - You see this bump?
386. It gives me these super powers.
387. But now that I'm
with you, I'm safe.
388. Mr. Giles, he's here.
389. You want me to bring him in?
390. - You've found him?
391. Yes, he's where?
392. - Mmm, what's your
hurry, big fella?
393. I love a man in uniform.
394. Something about slimy scales
really makes me moist.
395. - Mmm, do you like
french kissing?
396. Oh, aren't they cute?
397. Colonel,
where are you?
398. We're waiting.
399. She can
get a divorce.
400. So can I!
401. - That's a nasty bump
on my head.
402. I'll have to use medication
on that for sure.
403. Then my hair will fall out,
404. so I'll have to use hair
tonic and then hair remover.
405. And I'll flake, so I'll
have to use a salve.
406. And my pores will open up
407. so I've gotta apply body
ointments and skin creams,
408. and I'll bloat and
my skin will fall off.
409. Oh, boy.
410. Scabs and pus all
over the place,
411. and my face will turn into
jell-o and I'll break out.
412. - Please, please, please.
413. Help!
414. Thanks, Grant.
415. Don't be so
naive, Solly.
416. Just because you
brought Mr. Boyer in,
417. you thought someone of
your minuscule talent
418. could have his own show?
419. Oh, yeah?
420. - Oh, yeah, funny boy?
421. Not so fast, or
I pull the trigger.
422. - Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah?
423. - Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah?
424. - Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah?
425. - Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah?
426. - Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah?
427. - Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah?
428. - Okay, this is getting
us nowhere.
429. Let's all drop our
guns on three.
430. One, two, three.
431. Come on, we must
trust each other.
432. One, two, three.
433. Okay, I'll drop mine first.
434. Come on, guys.
435. Let's shake and let
bygones be bygones.
436. At last, to be the funniest man
437. on the face of the earth.
438. So this guy walks into a
bar with a duck on his head.
439. Bartender says,
what'll you have?
440. So the duck says...
441. Get this.
442. - Well, he split a gut
on that one, Colonel.
443. The lobe, please.
444. - Now I can set the world right.
445. Now for some
throbbing military power.
446. Whoa, whoa.
447. Oops, oops, whoa, oops.
448. Whoa, whoa, oops, oops.
449. Wait, this is too bulky.
450. All I need is destruction
at my fingertips.
451. Make way for the doctor
of destruction.
452. All this destruction
is making me excited.
453. I gotta pee.
454. Uh-oh.
455. I've got to think of a better—
456. Ah!
457. - At last, my communication
network is complete.
458. Okay, world, here comes
the new Larson P. Giles!