1. - Well, back to work.
Copy !req
2. You know I love you,
Copy !req
3. but I've got to finish
this Beckerman account.
Copy !req
4. - How about one of
your hot kisses?
Copy !req
5. Let me look into
your bedroom eyes.
Copy !req
6. - Hey, hey, hey!
Copy !req
7. I'm trying to sleep here!
Copy !req
8. - Oh, Grant, you're awfully big. In fact, you're very, very big!
Copy !req
9. Mother, you wont believe—
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10. The phones dead.
Copy !req
11. Oh, hello, darling.
Copy !req
12. - Hello, sweetie.
- Come in, sweetie.- Mother, Grant is
not the same man I married.
Copy !req
13. He's changed.
Copy !req
14. Your father and
I never approved of Grant.
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15. You could do better.
Copy !req
16. Mother, some
very strange things
Copy !req
17. have been happening.
Copy !req
18. You know men.
Copy !req
19. They have certain needs.
Copy !req
20. No, I mean really
bizarre things.
Copy !req
21. Oh, it's
gotten that far?
Copy !req
22. Soup's on!
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23. - Dear God, thank you
for this bountiful food
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24. that graces our lovely table.
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25. I realize you didn't
actually plant
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26. and fertilize this
delightful meal.
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27. And don't forget your shipping
and your distribution.
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28. Then you got your packaging
and your advertising.
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29. Then those fucking sale
taxes, Jesus Christ!
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30. Those goddamn
clowns in Washington!
Copy !req
31. Always gouging the
fucking middle class.
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32. I swear, I'm gonna get my gun
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33. and kill those motherfu—
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34. - Amen!
Copy !req
35. - Could I please have the salt?
Copy !req
36. - We try to keep this
house as clean as possible. Otherwise, we get bugs.
Copy !req
37. - Oh, Mother!
Copy !req
38. - Bugs?
Copy !req
39. - Those ugly, dirty creatures.
Copy !req
40. Buggy, buggy, buggy.
Copy !req
41. Buggy, buggy, buggy.
Copy !req
42. - Mother, are you okay?
Copy !req
43. - We don't approve of that
kind of music in this house.
Copy !req
44. - Music?
Copy !req
45. - Ooh.
Copy !req
46. - You, young men are
my top talent.
Copy !req
47. SmileCorp needs you.
Copy !req
48. So I've asked you here
to present your new shows
Copy !req
49. for the upcoming season.
Copy !req
50. - My show is the
ultimate in high art.
Copy !req
51. Roll the tape.
Copy !req
52. - Hmm.
Copy !req
53. - My idea is very revolutionary.
Copy !req
54. It's called World Class
Amoeba Wrestling.
Copy !req
55. - Uh, I have a wonderful
idea for a show.
Copy !req
56. Called, Rocks in Love.
Copy !req
57. Hey, how
about a kiss?
Copy !req
58. I'm not
that kind of rock.
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59. - I've got it!
Copy !req
60. The Belching Amoeba
Rocks in Love!
Copy !req
61. Brilliant, brilliant!
Copy !req
62. He's a genius!
Copy !req
63. - Hey, Grant, how's it hanging?
Copy !req
64. It's a great day
for cuttin' grass!
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65. Woo, look at me!
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66. Hey, check it out!
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67. Woo!
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68. Look, Ma, no hands!
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69. Yee-haw!
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70. Hey, Bud!
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71. Do you mind?
Copy !req
72. Look at what that
maniac is doing
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73. to my brothers and sisters.
Copy !req
74. Why do you people spend
hundreds of dollarson fertilizer and
plant food on us?
Copy !req
75. And then perform
horticultural genocide?
Copy !req
76. If we were bigger, you
wouldn't be doing this to us.
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77. I'm gonna kill you!
Copy !req
78. Cut you up!
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79. Push him back!
Copy !req
80. Push him back, way back!
Copy !req
81. Push him back, push him back!
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82. Way back!
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83. Cut the human, cut the human!
Copy !req
84. Cut the human!
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85. Cut the human, cut the human!
Copy !req
86. Cut the human!
Copy !req
87. Poke his eye, poke his eye!
Copy !req
88. Poke his—
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89. Yeah, I'm gonna
kill ya, I'm gonna kill ya!
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90. Yeah, yeah, yeah!
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91. Bash his head!
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92. Bash his head, bash his head!
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93. Bash his head, bash his head!
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94. Mulch the dude, mulch the dude!
Copy !req
95. Mulch the dude!
Copy !req
96. - Grant, save me!
Copy !req
97. Grant, help me!
Copy !req
98. - I'm really sorry
about all that,
Copy !req
99. but its been a very
weird day for me.
Copy !req
100. Hello, operator?
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101. Get me the Jackie Jason show.
Copy !req
102. My neighbor, Grant, he has
some amazing magical powers.
Copy !req
103. Whats wrong with Grant?
Copy !req
104. Did he enroll in magic school?
Copy !req
105. Or is he some kind
of superhuman?
Copy !req
106. Grant, what's happening
to our marriage?
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107. You're so different.
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108. - Listen, Keri.
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109. I don't know why I'm so weird,
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110. but when we took
our wedding vows,
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111. we promised unconditional love.
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112. If you got fat and wrinkled,
I'd still love you.
Copy !req
113. - Grant, Grant, save me!
Copy !req
114. Grant, save me!
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115. Grant, save me!
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116. Get it down from me!
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117. Grant!
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118. Grant, save me!
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119. Grant!
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120. Get away!
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121. Get down, get down!
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122. - See, I still love you.
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123. Love makes problems disappear.
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124. - Hello!
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125. - Come on over, baby.
Copy !req
126. Grant, stop
this right now.
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127. Damn it, Grant!
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128. When we have sex, I want you
to have it with me alone!
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129. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
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130. Grant!
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131. Stop this, right now!
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132. They're
not up there anymore!
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133. Oh, Edgar.
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134. Here he is,
the toast of Hollywood,
Copy !req
135. Jackie Jason!
Copy !req
136. - Hey, do we have
a show for you tonight.
Copy !req
137. The ever-popular Solly Jim,
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138. fresh from his big
smash week in Vegas.
Copy !req
139. And Grant Boyer, a
sensational young illusionist.
Copy !req
140. Hey, how bout that
mess in Washington?
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141. Crazy stuff, huh?
Copy !req
142. - Wow, Solly Jim!
Copy !req
143. I wish my wife were here to
meet you, but she's leaving me.
Copy !req
144. She thinks I'm a nutcase.
Copy !req
145. God, what is happening
to my life?
Copy !req
146. - You seem depressed, Grant.
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147. It's a mess!
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148. I'm at the end of my tether.
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149. Oh, God.
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150. Oh, God.
Copy !req
151. - Look at that.
Copy !req
152. which allows sunlight to
hit the back of your throat.
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153. A patch of tiny hairs
grow there,
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154. that eventually
becomes a hair ball
Copy !req
155. that falls into the stomach,
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156. where it rolls around,
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157. and exits through the
stomach escape-hatch.
Copy !req
158. The mix of hair and gunk flows
into the small intestine,
Copy !req
159. where it tickles the
sensitive walls,
Copy !req
160. and is ejected at the speed
Copy !req
161. of sound and hits the rib cage,
Copy !req
162. which aims it at
the belly button.
Copy !req
163. If the velocity is sufficient,
Copy !req
164. it squeezes through the
bounce off your shirt,
Copy !req
165. and gets lodged in
the belly button.
Copy !req
166. - And they found eight
chickens in his pants.
Copy !req
167. Here he is, folks, Mr.
Vegas himself, Solly Jim.
Copy !req
168. - How do you tell when you're
at a bulimic bachelor party?
Copy !req
169. The cake pops out of the babe!
Copy !req
170. Did you hear about the artist
Copy !req
171. with a bad case of psoriasis?
Copy !req
172. He asked the model to come
up and see his itchings!
Copy !req
173. Boy, this is a tough audience.
Copy !req
174. My career is over if I don't
get a laugh on this next joke.
Copy !req
175. Here's my impression of a sock.
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176. My mother always warned me
about playing with myself.
Copy !req
177. Hey, fella, how about
a little head?
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178. Yeah, baby!
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179. You!
Copy !req
180. - Hey, Solly, I like the
new direction in the humor.
Copy !req
181. Now get your bloody
head off my couch.
Copy !req
182. Mr. Boyer, you're on.
Copy !req
183. - What do you think, kid?
Copy !req
184. Glad I could
help you out.
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185. - Was that your doing, kid?
Copy !req
186. God bless you.
Copy !req
187. You saved my career.
Copy !req
188. If you need anything,
give me a call.
Copy !req
189. Just remember, kid, if you
see someone without a smile,
Copy !req
190. just give 'em one of yours.
Copy !req
191. You've got a
nasty boil here.
Copy !req
192. That won't do for national TV.
Copy !req
193. - Here's our next guest,
Grant Boyer.
Copy !req
194. I hear you do illusions.
Copy !req
195. - Well, uh, I guess.
Copy !req
196. Well, I guess.
Copy !req
197. - Can you turn this
glass into a—
Copy !req
198. Huh?
Copy !req
199. Turn it into a pen.
Copy !req
200. Well, thanks for
joining us, folks.
Copy !req
201. Tomorrow night, we
have Sean Young and—
Copy !req
202. Whoa!
Copy !req
203. Colonel,
did you happen to see
Copy !req
204. the Jackie Jason Show?
Copy !req
205. Well I've asked you here for
a very important mission.
Copy !req
206. Yes, Mr. Giles.
Copy !req
207. - See this man?
Copy !req
208. I want him, get him.
Copy !req
209. Colonel, that was just the
image from the projector.
Copy !req
210. I appreciate your enthusiasm,
but we need this man alive!
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211. - Gimme!
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212. - No, no!
Copy !req
213. No, no!
Copy !req
214. No, no, no.
Copy !req
215. - I want my gun!
Copy !req
216. Give me my gun!
Copy !req
217. I want my gun!
Copy !req
218. Very well.
Copy !req
219. Now take this.
Copy !req
220. Colonel Ferguson,
get me that man.
Copy !req
221. - Honey, I'm home!
Copy !req
222. Honey!
Copy !req
223. Honey, did you see me on TV?
Copy !req
224. Honey.
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225. Ker?
Copy !req
226. Keri, honey.
Copy !req
227. Honey, don't you love me?
Copy !req
228. Boo-boops.
Copy !req
229. Cutesy-wootsy face!
Copy !req
230. Keri, please let me in.
Copy !req
231. We can work this out.
Copy !req
232. I just wanna hold you.
Copy !req
233. What's with Grant?
Copy !req
234. Is he a robot?
Copy !req
235. Or maybe the antichrist?
Copy !req
236. Go away, Grant!
Copy !req
237. You're a very strange person!
Copy !req
238. I hear you
do illusions.
Copy !req
239. Hmm.
Copy !req
240. Ah.
Copy !req
241. Oh!
Copy !req
242. - What?
Copy !req
243. Oh.
Copy !req
244. Hmm.
Copy !req
245. Oh, I see.
Copy !req
246. Aha!
Copy !req
247. So that's his secret weapon.
Copy !req
248. - Yeah, right.
Copy !req
249. Keri, I think I found out
Copy !req
250. where my weird powers came from.
Copy !req
251. - Are you Mr. Grant Boyer?
Copy !req
252. Could you come down for a chat?
Copy !req
253. We saw you on TV.
Copy !req
254. You're quite
a remarkable talent.
Copy !req
255. Are you coming along quietly
Copy !req
256. or do I have to get rough?
Copy !req
257. Well, gee,
I don't know.
Copy !req
258. I really should check
with my wife first.
Copy !req
259. We're newlyweds.
Copy !req
260. - Gotcha!
Copy !req
261. Fire!
Copy !req
262. Or maybe,
he's a space alien.
Copy !req
263. Or a religious messiah.
Copy !req
264. - Hey, you guys, cut that out!
Copy !req
265. - Keri, Keri, please let me in!
Copy !req
266. Ker—
Copy !req
267. Oh, Keri, oh, Keri.
Copy !req
268. Oh, no.
Copy !req
269. It's worse than I thought.
Copy !req
270. He's working for the government.
Copy !req
271. - Try your magic now, Mr. Boyer.
Copy !req
272. Take him away.
Copy !req
273. He's getting away!
Copy !req
274. Fire!
Copy !req
275. - Colonel, why did he get away?
Copy !req
276. And what about
our tank battalion?
Copy !req
277. - They're occupied, sir.
Copy !req
278. - Occupied?
Copy !req
279. - Mmm, doing it.
Copy !req
280. Doing what?
Copy !req
281. - Well, sir, you know, the in and out?
— Well, tell them to stop it.
Copy !req
282. - Have you ever tried to tell
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283. a 50-ton tank to
stop having sex?
Copy !req
284. Find him or else!
Copy !req
285. - Welcome to Glass Land.
Copy !req
286. You're my first customer.
Copy !req
287. Hello?
Copy !req
288. Welcome to Glass Land.
Copy !req
289. You're my first customer.
Copy !req
290. It's our grand opening.
Copy !req
291. - Whoa!
Copy !req
292. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Copy !req
293. Phew!
Copy !req
294. - Have you seen a guy, oh.
Copy !req
295. There he is.
Copy !req
296. - My favorite rhododendron bush.
Copy !req
297. Behind the burro!
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298. - My terra-cotta burro.
Copy !req
299. Get him!
Copy !req
300. - My elf on a mushroom ornament.
Copy !req
301. Over there!
Copy !req
302. - My pissin' bumblebee fountain.
Copy !req
303. My ducks-plucking
- elf-eyes birdbath. No!
Copy !req
304. My leaf blower!
Copy !req
305. I've got to
find my husband!
Copy !req
306. - Let the woman go.
Copy !req
307. She's not a prisoner.
Copy !req
308. - Oh, hello, darling.
- Oh, Keri.
Copy !req
309. Are you okay?
Copy !req
310. Come in, darling.
Copy !req
311. Solly, Solly,
are you in there?
Copy !req
312. Let me in, Solly.
Copy !req
313. Solly, let me in.
Copy !req
314. Welcome to How
to Make Love to a Woman.
Copy !req
315. Undressing your mate is
a very delicate matter.
Copy !req
316. It must be done subtly,
yet with authority.
Copy !req
317. I recommend the
diversion technique.
Copy !req
318. Hugging and caressing
are intensely exciting
Copy !req
319. to the frauleins.
Copy !req
320. And when done properly,
Copy !req
321. can leave a lasting impression
on the affaire du coeur.
Copy !req
322. Hmm, that
gives me an idea.
Copy !req
323. Aha!
Copy !req
324. - No, no, no, no!
Copy !req
325. No, no, no.
Copy !req
326. No, no, no.
Copy !req
327. The nipples.
Copy !req
328. Oh, the nipples.
Copy !req
329. Just a light touch with
the thumb and forefinger,
Copy !req
330. and they stand erect—
Copy !req
331. - Oh, God, Jesus!
- Alone without shame. - Wow, that hurts!
- Proud to show themselves off
Copy !req
332. to the world,
Copy !req
333. as if to say to anyone around.
Copy !req
334. - Oh, boy, my eye.
- Here I am.
Copy !req
335. Fondle me, kiss me.
Copy !req
336. Love me, caress me.
Copy !req
337. Take me to the heights
of sensual ecstasy.
Copy !req
338. Exotic accessories are
a very important aspect
Copy !req
339. to proper mating.
Copy !req
340. They insure that the male
is appropriately excited.
Copy !req
341. Such things as spiked heels,
Copy !req
342. fishnet stockings and tassels
Copy !req
343. add an exotic and forbidden
aura to the sex act.
Copy !req
344. Be playful.
Copy !req
345. Have fun with them.
Copy !req
346. That's what they're for.
Copy !req
347. They help spice up the
sensual feast of pleasure.
Copy !req
348. Now that the preliminaries
are out of the way,
Copy !req
349. the mood is set.
Copy !req
350. It's now time for
the ultimate act,
Copy !req
351. the supreme gift of
oneself to another.
Copy !req
352. Keep your
shirt on, I'm coming.
Copy !req
353. Grant, my boy!
Copy !req
354. - I've gotta use your phone.
Copy !req
355. Some army is trying to kill me.
Copy !req
356. And Keri thinks I'm from Mars.
Copy !req
357. - So, are you married?
Copy !req
358. Keri is almost divorced.
Copy !req
359. Hello?
Copy !req
360. Let me talk to Keri.
Copy !req
361. I know she's there.
Copy !req
362. - Oh, its you, well.
Copy !req
363. It's Grant!
Copy !req
364. My, aren't you impulsive!
Copy !req
365. I'm so depressed.
Copy !req
366. My marriage is over.
Copy !req
367. You know where tears come from?
Copy !req
368. When the eye sees
something sad, really sad,
Copy !req
369. tiny light balls travel
Copy !req
370. to the brain through
the optical canal.
Copy !req
371. The brain heats up and
releases sad little flakes.
Copy !req
372. They fall through the sadness
artery into the heart.
Copy !req
373. The heart, heavy from these
brain flakes and bodily fluids,
Copy !req
374. falls, whomp, onto the bladder,
Copy !req
375. which sends a microscopic wave
Copy !req
376. to the upper part of the body.
Copy !req
377. Some goes to the mouth
and causes a frown,
Copy !req
378. and the rest goes to the brain,
Copy !req
379. which is hot with sadness.
Copy !req
380. The fluid hitting the hot
brain produces condensation
Copy !req
381. on the cranium's surface
Copy !req
382. and it slides down an exit
Copy !req
383. through the eye
opening as tears.
Copy !req
384. - You see this bump?
Copy !req
385. It gives me these super powers.
Copy !req
386. But now that I'm
with you, I'm safe.
Copy !req
387. Mr. Giles, he's here.
Copy !req
388. You want me to bring him in?
Copy !req
389. - You've found him?
Copy !req
390. Yes, he's where?
Copy !req
391. - Mmm, what's your
hurry, big fella?
Copy !req
392. I love a man in uniform.
Copy !req
393. Something about slimy scales
really makes me moist.
Copy !req
394. - Mmm, do you like
french kissing?
Copy !req
395. Oh, aren't they cute?
Copy !req
396. Colonel,
where are you?
Copy !req
397. We're waiting.
Copy !req
398. She can
get a divorce.
Copy !req
399. So can I!
Copy !req
400. - That's a nasty bump
on my head.
Copy !req
401. I'll have to use medication
on that for sure.
Copy !req
402. Then my hair will fall out,
Copy !req
403. so I'll have to use hair
tonic and then hair remover.
Copy !req
404. And I'll flake, so I'll
have to use a salve.
Copy !req
405. And my pores will open up
Copy !req
406. so I've gotta apply body
ointments and skin creams,
Copy !req
407. and I'll bloat and
my skin will fall off.
Copy !req
408. Oh, boy.
Copy !req
409. Scabs and pus all
over the place,
Copy !req
410. and my face will turn into
jell-o and I'll break out.
Copy !req
411. - Please, please, please.
Copy !req
412. Help!
Copy !req
413. Thanks, Grant.
Copy !req
414. Don't be so
naive, Solly.
Copy !req
415. Just because you
brought Mr. Boyer in,
Copy !req
416. you thought someone of
your minuscule talent
Copy !req
417. could have his own show?
Copy !req
418. Oh, yeah?
Copy !req
419. - Oh, yeah, funny boy?
Copy !req
420. Not so fast, or
I pull the trigger.
Copy !req
421. - Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah?
Copy !req
422. - Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah?
Copy !req
423. - Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah?
Copy !req
424. - Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah?
Copy !req
425. - Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah?
Copy !req
426. - Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah?
Copy !req
427. - Okay, this is getting
us nowhere.
Copy !req
428. Let's all drop our
guns on three.
Copy !req
429. One, two, three.
Copy !req
430. Come on, we must
trust each other.
Copy !req
431. One, two, three.
Copy !req
432. Okay, I'll drop mine first.
Copy !req
433. Come on, guys.
Copy !req
434. Let's shake and let
bygones be bygones.
Copy !req
435. At last, to be the funniest man
Copy !req
436. on the face of the earth.
Copy !req
437. So this guy walks into a
bar with a duck on his head.
Copy !req
438. Bartender says,
what'll you have?
Copy !req
439. So the duck says...
Copy !req
440. Get this.
Copy !req
441. - Well, he split a gut
on that one, Colonel.
Copy !req
442. The lobe, please.
Copy !req
443. - Now I can set the world right.
Copy !req
444. Now for some
throbbing military power.
Copy !req
445. Whoa, whoa.
Copy !req
446. Oops, oops, whoa, oops.
Copy !req
447. Whoa, whoa, oops, oops.
Copy !req
448. Wait, this is too bulky.
Copy !req
449. All I need is destruction
at my fingertips.
Copy !req
450. Make way for the doctor
of destruction.
Copy !req
451. All this destruction
is making me excited.
Copy !req
452. I gotta pee.
Copy !req
453. Uh-oh.
Copy !req
454. I've got to think of a better—
Copy !req
455. Ah!
Copy !req
456. - At last, my communication
network is complete.
Copy !req
457. Okay, world, here comes
the new Larson P. Giles!
Copy !req
458. Send in the nurse.
Copy !req
459. Hmm.
Copy !req
460. Maybe it
needs a little pressure.
Copy !req
461. All right,
fun's over.
Copy !req
462. Give me the lobe.
Copy !req
463. Kill the fuckers!
Copy !req
464. Kill the fuckers!
Copy !req
465. Kill the fuckers,
kill the fuckers!
Copy !req
466. - They're getting away!
Copy !req
467. Keri, why did
you come back to save me?
Copy !req
468. - Like you said,
love is forever.
Copy !req
469. Besides, it was great sex.
Copy !req
470. But I'm so weird.
Copy !req
471. Oh, shut up
and kiss me.
Copy !req
472. Hey, it's our
friend the caterpillar!
Copy !req
473. Thanks for the help!
Copy !req
474. - Hey, you!
Copy !req
475. Thanks, Mac.
Copy !req
476. - Shh.
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477. Send in
more troops!
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478. - I just love convertibles.
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479. - Hey, slow down, will ya?
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480. Watch the corners.
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481. Someone could get hurt.
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482. - Let's rope and
ground us a Heifer!
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483. Yee-haw!
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484. Ride 'em, cowgirl!
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485. We need help.
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486. - Send in the super gun.
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487. - Send in the super gun.
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488. - Oh, the super gun!
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489. Oh, no!
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490. We gotta get out of here.
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491. It's the super gun.
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492. We're all gonna die.
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493. We're all gonna die!
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494. Let's get out of here!
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495. It's the super gun!
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496. - Ah, the super gun!
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497. - Lock on target.
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498. 536.29.
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499. 239.7.
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500. - Do it.
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501. - Commence countdown.
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502. - It's not too late, Grant.
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503. Give up the lobe.
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504. Give up the lobe, Grant.
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505. Give up the lobe.
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506. - Fire!
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507. Hold on!
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508. - The lobe!
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509. What the hell?
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510. - It's working!
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511. Complete global communications!
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512. I can control everything!
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513. I can't be stopped now!
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514. My huggie lamb.
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515. Huh, poopsie-woopsie?
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516. My pookie pants.
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517. Grant, I
take it all back!
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518. Will you forgive me, Grant?
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519. What's
happening, Keri?
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520. I've been watching
a lot of TV lately.
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