1. Let me try and clarify some of this for you.
Copy !req
2. Best Company Supermarkets
Copy !req
3. are not interested
in selling wholesome foods.
Copy !req
4. They are not worried
about the nation's health.
Copy !req
5. What is concerning them
is that the nation
Copy !req
6. appears to be getting
worried about its health.
Copy !req
7. And that is what's worrying Best Co,
Copy !req
8. because Best Co wants to go on
selling them what it always has,
Copy !req
9. ie, white breads,
baked beans, canned foods
Copy !req
10. and that suppurating,
fat-squirting little heart attack
Copy !req
11. traditionally known
as the British sausage.
Copy !req
12. So, how can we help them with that?
Copy !req
13. Clearly, we are looking for a label.
Copy !req
14. We need a label
brimming with health.
Copy !req
15. And everything from a nosh pot
to a white sliced
Copy !req
16. will wear one with pride.
Copy !req
17. And although I'm aware of the difficulties
of coming to terms with this,
Copy !req
18. it must be appreciated
from the beginning
Copy !req
19. that even the nosh pot
must be low in something.
Copy !req
20. And if it isn't, it must be
high in something else.
Copy !req
21. And that is its health-giving
ingredient we will sell.
Copy !req
22. Which brings me to my final question.
Copy !req
23. Who are we trying to sell this to?
Copy !req
24. Answer, we are trying to sell this
Copy !req
25. to the archetypal, average housewife,
Copy !req
26. she who fills her basket.
Copy !req
27. What you have here
is a 22-year-old pretty girl.
Copy !req
28. What you need is a taut slob,
Copy !req
29. something on foot deodorisers
in a brassière.
Copy !req
30. I... I'm not quite sure
we can go along with that, Mr Bagley.
Copy !req
31. If you look at the market research...
Copy !req
32. I don't need to look
at the market research.
Copy !req
33. I've lived with 13 and a half
million housewives for 15 years.
Copy !req
34. I know everything about them.
She's 37 years old.
Copy !req
35. She has 2.3 children,
1.6 of which will be girls.
Copy !req
36. She uses 16 feet six inches
of toilet tissue a week
Copy !req
37. and fucks no more
than 4.2 times a month.
Copy !req
38. She has seven radiators
and is worried about her weight,
Copy !req
39. which is why we have her on a diet.
Copy !req
40. And because we have her on a diet,
Copy !req
41. we also encourage her
to reward herself with little treats,
Copy !req
42. and she deserves them.
Copy !req
43. Because anyone existing
on 1,200 calories
Copy !req
44. of artificial, synthetic,
orange-flavoured waffle a day
Copy !req
45. deserves a little treat.
Copy !req
46. "We know it's naughty,
but you do deserve it.
Copy !req
47. "Go on, darling, swallow a bun. "
Copy !req
48. And she does.
Copy !req
49. And the instant she does,
the guilt cuts in.
Copy !req
50. So here we are again with our diet.
Copy !req
51. It's a vicious,
but quite wonderful circle,
Copy !req
52. and it adheres to only one rule.
Copy !req
53. "Whatever it is, sell it."
Copy !req
54. If you want to stay in advertising,
by God, you'd better learn that.
Copy !req
55. Bagley. Look, it's not in my nature to be
a pain in the arse with such consistency.
Copy !req
56. It's being forced on me.
I just had them on the phone.
Copy !req
57. They are phoning me back.
I've got to give them something.
Copy !req
58. - Tell them it'll be wonderful. Hi, Harry.
- All right?
Copy !req
59. I did. They're over the moon.
Copy !req
60. Apart from 15 calls a day wondering
where the fuck it is, they couldn't be happier.
Copy !req
61. They're getting impatient. We promised
them the animatic over a week ago.
Copy !req
62. I'll be frank with you, Bagley.
I'm running out of bullshit.
Copy !req
63. - Try massaging your temples.
- I've got to give them a date.
Copy !req
64. Either a date or you give me some idea
of what you're coming up with.
Copy !req
65. I'm coming up with a brilliant advertisement
for a very dull pimple cream.
Copy !req
66. Then why can't I take a look?
Why can't I see something?
Copy !req
67. You know, just a storyboard
or some roughs,
Copy !req
68. anything so as I can give them
an idea of the direction you're going in.
Copy !req
69. No. I don't show work in progress.
Copy !req
70. - Any calls?
- Mr Bristol called again, twice.
Copy !req
71. - I hope you told him I was out.
- Yes, Mr Bagley. You were out.
Copy !req
72. - Good. If he calls again, I'm still out.
- Bagley, you have got to give me a date.
Copy !req
73. All right, try Monday on him.
And don't get so panicky.
Copy !req
74. Nobody ever remembers a late delivery,
Richard. They only remember a bad one.
Copy !req
75. Boil busters. The boil busters.
Copy !req
76. Your face can be a battleground.
Copy !req
77. You need something tough.
Copy !req
78. Jesus.
Copy !req
79. What do they want
another pimple cream for?
Copy !req
80. The market's saturated.
Copy !req
81. There's a lot of boils out there, Bagley.
Copy !req
82. "Nobody cares as much
about your skin as you do,
Copy !req
83. "but we do try.
Copy !req
84. "And because we care,
Copy !req
85. "we went to an expert -
Copy !req
86. "Mother Nature -
Copy !req
87. "and we discovered that sometimes,
the most effective way
Copy !req
88. "of dealing with those
troublesome little breakouts
Copy !req
89. "is Mother Nature's own
richest source of Vitamin A.
Copy !req
90. "So we took essential oils
Copy !req
91. "of carrot, marigold seed...
Copy !req
92. "roots and other natural ingredients,
Copy !req
93. "and we packed this shit
into every tube.
Copy !req
94. "We called it HP Megaventure.
Copy !req
95. "And if it doesn't work
on your blackheads,
Copy !req
96. "you can spread the fucker on toast!"
Copy !req
97. Sorry to disturb you, Mr Bagley,
Copy !req
98. but Mr Bristol's on the line again.
Copy !req
99. - Tell him I'm out again.
- He says he knows you're not.
Copy !req
100. He says he knows you're avoiding him
and he says he insists on a time to see you.
Copy !req
101. Oh, for Christ's sake, give me a break.
Copy !req
102. All right, tell him this afternoon.
Four o'clock this afternoon.
Copy !req
103. - And get my wife on the phone.
- Yes, Mr Bagley.
Copy !req
104. "Hi. My name's Barbara Simmons,
Copy !req
105. "and I'm a biochemist.
Copy !req
106. "But at night, I'm a woman,
Copy !req
107. "and I want my skin to be at its best.
Copy !req
108. "So I recommend a new product.
Copy !req
109. "It's called...
Copy !req
110. "whatever the fuck it's called,
Copy !req
111. "and I use whatever the fuck it is
Copy !req
112. "because I know it works.
Copy !req
113. "And I should know,
Copy !req
114. "because I make it."
Copy !req
115. Mrs Bagley on line one.
Copy !req
116. What do you want!
Copy !req
117. Yes, I'm sorry, darling. I know I did.
Copy !req
118. Listen, I don't think
I'm gonna make it back tonight.
Copy !req
119. I'm gonna blitz it.
Copy !req
120. Oh, no, fine, fine. It's going fine.
Copy !req
121. It's just, the deadline's getting serious.
Copy !req
122. Really?
Copy !req
123. Well, we could meet for lunch,
celebrate my breakthrough.
Copy !req
124. OK, one o'clock.
Copy !req
125. - You're chain-smoking, darling.
- I know I am. I know I am.
Copy !req
126. I'd like another vodka martini,
dry as a bone, twist, no olive.
Copy !req
127. Spritzer, please.
Copy !req
128. I tell you, Julia, I'm out of my mind.
Copy !req
129. I'm getting nowhere. Zero.
Copy !req
130. Stop getting so wound up
about it. It'll come.
Copy !req
131. And please put that cigarette out.
That's three in ten minutes.
Copy !req
132. Darling, why don't you forget it a minute?
Take the afternoon off.
Copy !req
133. - I can't. I've got to see Bristol.
- You're not gonna be much use.
Copy !req
134. Oh, that's where you're wrong, Julia.
Copy !req
135. That's what's so insane about all this.
Anything else, I'm fine.
Copy !req
136. Any other part of the human body,
I'll sell it something.
Copy !req
137. Give me a bald head,
and I'll sell it shampoo.
Copy !req
138. - I cannot get a handle on the boils.
- Pass me the butter, please, darling.
Copy !req
139. The moment I think of a boil,
Copy !req
140. my mind slips into
a sort of dreadful, oily neutral.
Copy !req
141. I just sit there, hour after hour,
Copy !req
142. chewing the ends off pencils,
smoking myself daft.
Copy !req
143. - What exactly is this stuff?
- It's a standard.
Copy !req
144. 16 to 26-year-old acne attacker.
It's a hexafluoride.
Copy !req
145. - Does it work?
- No idea. It's probably junk.
Copy !req
146. Well, that's probably the problem.
Copy !req
147. If you knew it actually got rid of boils,
you'd have no problem selling it.
Copy !req
148. Nobody in advertising
wants to get rid of boils, Julia.
Copy !req
149. They're good little money spinners.
Copy !req
150. All we want to do is offer hope of getting
rid of them. And that's where I'm blocked!
Copy !req
151. - Where's our drinks?
- They're coming, sir.
Copy !req
152. Well, I really do think you should
cancel Bristol and come home with me.
Copy !req
153. I can't. I've been cancelling him all week.
Why can't we cancel this dinner?
Copy !req
154. I'm not in the mood for that mob.
Copy !req
155. If I had known we were having dinner,
I'd never have suggested lunch.
Copy !req
156. We can have both. People do, darling.
Copy !req
157. - I suppose Wheelstock will be there.
- Don't take it out on Penny.
Copy !req
158. Christ, what am I going to do?
Copy !req
159. Dennis, for goodness' sake,
stop getting so paranoid.
Copy !req
160. Everything will be all right. You've had
these sort of problems many times before.
Copy !req
161. - Not like this, I haven't.
- Oh, yes you have.
Copy !req
162. You had a terrible time with piles.
Copy !req
163. I did not have a terrible time with piles.
Copy !req
164. I may have had a problem
getting ahold of them,
Copy !req
165. - but selling them was a piece of cake.
- You're raising your voice.
Copy !req
166. Compared to this,
piles were a birthday present.
Copy !req
167. - So was dandruff. So was breath.
- You're still raising your voice.
Copy !req
168. The whole lot taken together,
including the fucking lawnmowers,
Copy !req
169. is as nothing compared
to the pimples, acne and boils!
Copy !req
170. I don't want to go back in there.
Copy !req
171. Don't worry about it.
Don't think about boils.
Copy !req
172. If a boil pops up, force yourself
to think of something else.
Copy !req
173. - OK.
- And don't go near your office.
Copy !req
174. Just see Bristol and come home.
Copy !req
175. - Are you sure you can't wait for me?
- Sorry, I can't, darling.
Copy !req
176. Get Bristol on the line and
tell him I'm coming in to see him now.
Copy !req
177. Yeah. Have him call me later.
Copy !req
178. Sorry to keep you waiting, Bagley.
I didn't expect you till four o'clock.
Copy !req
179. - Here, take a look at this.
- What is it?
Copy !req
180. It's a photostat of an arse
from a copying machine.
Copy !req
181. - Don't recognise it, do you?
- Not offhand, no.
Copy !req
182. You gave the juniors
a bit of a tongue-lashing yesterday.
Copy !req
183. - Really?
- Said you went over the top.
Copy !req
184. I haven't got time
to give lessons in advertising.
Copy !req
185. They asked my opinion, and I gave it.
Copy !req
186. In my opinion,
they'd completely missed the brief.
Copy !req
187. I think you're probably right.
Not now, Sheila.
Copy !req
188. As a matter of fact, I think you
helped them out. About 15 minutes.
Copy !req
189. Anyway. That's not actually
what I wanted to talk about.
Copy !req
190. How are we getting on
with the pimple cream?
Copy !req
191. Five minutes.
Copy !req
192. Is it special? 555-0472.
Copy !req
193. - Sensational.
- Can you give me a verbal peek?
Copy !req
194. - You know me, John. I'd rather not.
- That's what I thought.
Copy !req
195. No, Los Angeles 555-0472.
Copy !req
196. I'm very pleased to hear it,
because I'll tell you frankly,
Copy !req
197. they were on the phone this morning,
threatening to pull the account.
Copy !req
198. Anyone but you and they would.
Copy !req
199. It's finished. Just a fine-tune.
I'll be through over the weekend.
Copy !req
200. Can we diarise on that?
Copy !req
201. - Of course.
- Wonderful. Wonderful.
Copy !req
202. Yes. Put him through.
Copy !req
203. Mmm? Mm-hm.
Copy !req
204. Really? Why so fast?
Copy !req
205. Really?
Copy !req
206. What happened to Seymour,
Hickwash, Bone, Riddle and Gore?
Copy !req
207. Really?
Copy !req
208. What about OCDS?
Copy !req
209. Wh... Is it a kipper?
Copy !req
210. Oh, that's interesting.
What a complete range of dinners.
Copy !req
211. Frozen kippers...
Just hang on a second, Bagley.
Copy !req
212. No. He's here now. I'll ask him.
Copy !req
213. No, no, he's finished.
He'll be through Monday, for sure.
Copy !req
214. Hang on a sec, Eddie.
Copy !req
215. Can you handle a Monday pitch?
It's a quickie. You'd have to go in dry.
Copy !req
216. - What's the product?
- It's a boil-in-a-bag.
Copy !req
217. - You all right. Bagley?
- Yes, I'm fine.
Copy !req
218. Tell him OK. I'll be in
first thing Monday morning.
Copy !req
219. You must stop worrying.
Copy !req
220. If a boil pops up, force yourself
to think of something else.
Copy !req
221. You're absolutely right.
Copy !req
222. I'm absolutely not
gonna think about boils,
Copy !req
223. large boils, blind boils or fat girls' boils,
till ten o'clock tomorrow morning.
Copy !req
224. What about large, blind,
fat girls with boils?
Copy !req
225. I see the police have made
another lightning raid.
Copy !req
226. - Paddington drug orgy.
- Huh.
Copy !req
227. I suppose
young girls was involved?
Copy !req
228. "One discovered naked in the kitchen,
Copy !req
229. "breasts smeared with peanut butter.
Copy !req
230. "The police took away a bag containing
15 grams of cannabis resin.
Copy !req
231. "It may also contain a quantity of heroin."
Copy !req
232. Or a pork pie.
Copy !req
233. I beg your pardon?
Copy !req
234. I said, the bag may also
have contained a pork pie.
Copy !req
235. I hardly see a pork pie's
got anything to do with it.
Copy !req
236. All right, then,
what about a large turnip?
Copy !req
237. It may also have contained a big turnip.
Copy !req
238. - The bag was full of drugs.
- Nonsense.
Copy !req
239. The bag was full of drugs! It says so!
Copy !req
240. The bag could have been full of anything.
Copy !req
241. Pork pies, turnips, oven parts.
Copy !req
242. - It's the oldest trick in the book.
- What book?
Copy !req
243. The distortion of truth
by association book.
Copy !req
244. The word is "may".
Copy !req
245. You all believe heroin was in the bag
because cannabis resin was in the bag.
Copy !req
246. The bag may have contained heroin,
Copy !req
247. but the chances are 100 to one
certain that it didn't.
Copy !req
248. Lot more likely than what you say.
Copy !req
249. About as likely
as the tits spread with peanut butter.
Copy !req
250. - Do you mind?
- The tits were spread with peanut butter!
Copy !req
251. - Nonsense.
- It says so!
Copy !req
252. Who's the man you are to think
you know more about it than the press?
Copy !req
253. I'm an expert on tits.
Tits and peanut butter.
Copy !req
254. I'm also an expert drug pusher.
Copy !req
255. - I've been pushing drugs for 20 years.
- Look here, I've had enough of this!
Copy !req
256. And I can tell you,
a pusher protects his pitch.
Copy !req
257. We wanna sell 'em cigarettes
and don't like competition, see?
Copy !req
258. So we associate
a relatively innocuous drug
Copy !req
259. with one that is extremely dangerous.
Copy !req
260. And the rags go along with it because
they adore the dough from the ads.
Copy !req
261. I've had enough of this.
I'm getting off at Thatchet.
Copy !req
262. Getting off at Thatchet won't help you.
Getting off anywhere won't.
Copy !req
263. I've had an octopus squatting
on my brain for a fortnight,
Copy !req
264. and I suddenly see that
I am the only one that can help you.
Copy !req
265. It would be pointless
to go into the reasons why,
Copy !req
266. but I've been worried sick
about boils for a fortnight.
Copy !req
267. Large boils, small boils, fast eruptors.
They're incurable, all of them.
Copy !req
268. I know that, and so does everybody else.
Copy !req
269. Until they get one.
Then the rules suddenly change.
Copy !req
270. With a boil on the nose,
there's a sudden overnight surge in faith.
Copy !req
271. They wanna believe
something will work.
Copy !req
272. He knows that, which is why
he gets a good look in with the dying.
Copy !req
273. Sell some hope, you see?
Copy !req
274. But these boys would be full-time
into real estate
Copy !req
275. if anyone came up
with a genuine cure for death!
Copy !req
276. Good God, this is a madman!
Copy !req
277. What do you know about God,
you wire-haired Mick?
Copy !req
278. Here, have 'em. I've given up.
Copy !req
279. - What on earth are you doing?
- I'm reading a newspaper.
Copy !req
280. We're in the middle of a dinner party.
Copy !req
281. I'm sorry. I can't bear
that great, pompous herbivore in there.
Copy !req
282. I'm sick of hearing
about her soya proteins.
Copy !req
283. You might at least
make a bit of an effort.
Copy !req
284. At least sit at the table. Bring the cream.
Copy !req
285. - Both breasts and the leg removed?
- When all's said and done,
Copy !req
286. it's perfectly obvious
most girls love being on the pill.
Copy !req
287. What utter balls, Jonathan.
Copy !req
288. Do you think women like
filling their bodies with chemicals?
Copy !req
289. - We're talking about eels, darling.
- Yes, it is most extraordinary.
Copy !req
290. Apparently, by the year 2000,
Copy !req
291. the level of oestrogen in the sea
will be as much as two parts per million.
Copy !req
292. So many women taking the pill, you see.
Copy !req
293. The problem is,
it's starting to mess up the fish.
Copy !req
294. - They're breeding in the sea.
- I thought fish did.
Copy !req
295. Not eels, darling. Eels breed in rivers.
Copy !req
296. I think men should bleed.
Copy !req
297. What a disgusting thing to say!
Copy !req
298. You find bleeding disgusting, do you?
Copy !req
299. Not particularly.
Just the way you said it.
Copy !req
300. That horrible sneer
and mouth full of nuts.
Copy !req
301. Darling, Penny is our guest.
Copy !req
302. Women, I might inform you,
take that primitive device called the pill
Copy !req
303. because it's all they've got.
Copy !req
304. They don't like it. I personally abhor it.
Copy !req
305. But, unfortunately, it's all we've got.
Copy !req
306. - In what context?
- In the context of bed.
Copy !req
307. I'm surprised you need to bother.
Copy !req
308. Cointreau, anyone?
Copy !req
309. Darling, I know you're having
a very difficult time at the moment,
Copy !req
310. and I know you've had rather a lot
to drink and didn't mean what you said.
Copy !req
311. But Penny is our guest
and I'd like you to apologise.
Copy !req
312. He doesn't need to apologise. Those kinds
of sexist attitudes are beyond apology.
Copy !req
313. What do you mean by that?
Copy !req
314. Do you really think I don't understand?
Copy !req
315. You dislike me because I'm not one
of those starved little tarts you exploit.
Copy !req
316. I don't rush out
and buy your latest makeup.
Copy !req
317. I have a mind of my own.
And I have a body of my own
Copy !req
318. that doesn't fit into the preconceived
patterns men like you dictate.
Copy !req
319. - You mean you're fat.
- Yes, I'm fat!
Copy !req
320. And you're perfectly at liberty
to hate me for it.
Copy !req
321. You're quite wrong.
I don't dislike you because of that.
Copy !req
322. I wouldn't care if you were so huge
we had to put up scaffolding to feed you.
Copy !req
323. Oh, for God's sake,
let's not have a row.
Copy !req
324. - Why not? Why shouldn't we have a row?
- Because nobody wants one!
Copy !req
325. - You're being completely irrational.
- Irrational?
Copy !req
326. We're all prepared to sit here
discussing mung beans and soya protein,
Copy !req
327. but if anybody touches on
anything real, it's irrational?
Copy !req
328. Right, then, you're being rude.
Unutterably rude and a bore!
Copy !req
329. - Bagley, come and have a drink.
- I've had a drink, thank you.
Copy !req
330. Now I'm going to have another.
Copy !req
331. - Do you wear Y-fronts?
- Don't tell him.
Copy !req
332. I think you're contemptible.
Copy !req
333. And I think you are a vegan
who eats meat in secret.
Copy !req
334. - See? She's a meat-eating vegan.
- I do not eat meat!
Copy !req
335. But you'll eat fish
till the cows come home.
Copy !req
336. - Don't argue with him.
- Fish is allowed!
Copy !req
337. Including eels? Eels full of oestrogen?
Copy !req
338. If it's buggering the eels,
think what it's doing to you.
Copy !req
339. - Get back to your fig bottling!
- You're going out of control.
Copy !req
340. Oh, no, I'm not.
I'm just beginning to see the light.
Copy !req
341. - You're talking nonsense.
- It's all so clear.
Copy !req
342. I've been living a nightmare,
obsessed with other people's acne,
Copy !req
343. wracking my brains
to be original about boils.
Copy !req
344. I've been going berserk!
Copy !req
345. But then I suddenly thought of a pork pie.
Copy !req
346. - Get his Valium.
- I tell you, it was like a fucking brainwave!
Copy !req
347. I have discovered that brains
are being laundered daily.
Copy !req
348. I have found that out,
but it shall be no more!
Copy !req
349. Jesus Christ!
What do you think you're doing?
Copy !req
350. I'm completing a process
of natural selection.
Copy !req
351. I'm going through everything in the house
and isolating items of genuine worth.
Copy !req
352. All other products, especially
those contaminated with advertising,
Copy !req
353. I am disposing of.
Copy !req
354. Have you gone out of your mind?
Copy !req
355. I know it's going to be difficult, but
I'll explain properly and you will understand.
Copy !req
356. Dennis, listen to me.
You're under tremendous stress.
Copy !req
357. You were drunk last night, and probably
don't realise it, but you were out of control.
Copy !req
358. Maybe I was, but now I've had time
to work things out, get everything in perspective.
Copy !req
359. Darling, can't you see what you're doing
this morning is equally out of control?
Copy !req
360. Oh, no, you're quite wrong, Julia.
There's nothing out of control about me now.
Copy !req
361. I know exactly what I'm doing now.
Copy !req
362. God in heaven!
Copy !req
363. The sweet stench of revenge!
Copy !req
364. Please stop that. I think you're ill.
Copy !req
365. I'm gonna do those bastard
television sets in here.
Copy !req
366. - Like you're doing the vacuum cleaner?
- That's right.
Copy !req
367. Except I'm gonna do them better.
Copy !req
368. I'm gonna turn them on and do them in the
middle of an advertisement for themselves.
Copy !req
369. - I'm going to drown them.
- You call that rational, do you?
Copy !req
370. Certainly. Everything I do is rational.
Copy !req
371. Why have you put chickens
down the lavatory?
Copy !req
372. To thaw them
before dismemberment.
Copy !req
373. You're ill, darling.
I want you to get out of the bath.
Copy !req
374. They feed 'em on fish,
they taste like fish,
Copy !req
375. so I shall dismember them
and return them via the sewers to the sea.
Copy !req
376. Get out of the bloody bath!
Copy !req
377. I know this must be all
sort of upsetting for you, darling,
Copy !req
378. but honestly, I assure you of its necessity.
Copy !req
379. - It has to be done or we'll never be free.
- From what?
Copy !req
380. What sort of freedom can you get from
hacking a vacuum cleaner to pieces?
Copy !req
381. Look at you! You've got a polythene bag
on your head. You look stark raving mad.
Copy !req
382. You need help. You need rest.
Copy !req
383. This cursed pimple cream
has got on top of you.
Copy !req
384. Which is why I intend to escape.
Copy !req
385. You're not escaping it.
You're encouraging it.
Copy !req
386. - You're suffering them yourself.
- What do you mean?
Copy !req
387. You're so run down,
you've got a boil yourself.
Copy !req
388. - Me?
- Yes.
Copy !req
389. A horrid looking boil,
spouting from your neck.
Copy !req
390. You never had a boil
before in your life.
Copy !req
391. You're totally worn out,
both physically and emotionally.
Copy !req
392. My God, you're right!
Copy !req
393. I've got a boil.
Copy !req
394. Sullivan Bristol.
One moment.
Copy !req
395. I'm gonna collect
something from my office.
Copy !req
396. While I'm there, get hold of Bristol
and tell him I'm coming to see him.
Copy !req
397. Mr Bristol's out. Sullivan Bristol.
Copy !req
398. I want a call the moment he turns up.
Copy !req
399. And get me a couple of dispatch boys.
I need some equipment moved.
Copy !req
400. Ow!
Copy !req
401. I've come to give you a present.
Copy !req
402. How nice.
Copy !req
403. To me, this represents
everything that is wrong
Copy !req
404. and everything that is vile
with this profession.
Copy !req
405. - Really?
- It is the reason I'm resigning.
Copy !req
406. - What's suddenly upset you about it?
- The hypocrisy it represents.
Copy !req
407. - It was never used.
- Not its. Mine.
Copy !req
408. I believed in it, and I sat back like some
gagged little idiot while they buggered it.
Copy !req
409. - I should have resigned then.
- I see.
Copy !req
410. I don't approve of its rejection.
I can no longer tolerate it.
Copy !req
411. I don't approve of Her Majesty's
Government's cynical little bit of twaddle
Copy !req
412. that smoking can seriously
damage your health
Copy !req
413. as any kind of acceptable alternative.
Copy !req
414. I wouldn't have thought
anyone was arguing about that.
Copy !req
415. Precisely. Nobody's arguing about it,
especially the government.
Copy !req
416. The only fucker this ever frightened
was the Chancellor of the Exchequer.
Copy !req
417. But I'm going to argue about it.
I'm going to shout about it!
Copy !req
418. - I wouldn't do that, old chap.
- Can damage your health?
Copy !req
419. What's "can" got to do with it?
Can, could, might, possibly, maybe.
Copy !req
420. "Does" is the word we want to hear.
Copy !req
421. The bastards are killing 100,000 a year.
Copy !req
422. Warning by Her Majesty's Government.
Copy !req
423. "This product contains
highly toxic carcinogenic poisons.
Copy !req
424. "Avoid all contact. Do not inhale.
Copy !req
425. "Should inhalation occur,
seek immediate advice from a physician."
Copy !req
426. I saw Harry yesterday. He said you were
having problems with the pimple cream.
Copy !req
427. Did he? Well, he's wrong.
Copy !req
428. Because I have eradicated
the pimple cream from my life.
Copy !req
429. He also said you lost your temper
with some photographs.
Copy !req
430. That's right. Closeups of hives.
Copy !req
431. Don't you think the way you reacted
could be considered a little irrational?
Copy !req
432. Don't start the old irrational
bollocks with me, Bristol!
Copy !req
433. I'm up to here with it. I know everything
there is to know about rationality,
Copy !req
434. and I know everything
there is to know about advertising.
Copy !req
435. - Hold them, Sheila.
- So don't tell me I'm being irrational.
Copy !req
436. Because I'm the man who's taken
the stench out of everything but shit.
Copy !req
437. OK, old chap, why don't
you take some time off?
Copy !req
438. What the fuck do you think
I'm resigning for?
Copy !req
439. I'm taking forever off.
I'm going to cleanse my life.
Copy !req
440. I'm going to rid my mind
and body of poisons,
Copy !req
441. and when I've done it, I intend to make it
my life's work to encourage others to do it.
Copy !req
442. - And how will you do that?
- By telling them, you bald fool.
Copy !req
443. Walking up and down
with a sandwich board?
Copy !req
444. - If necessary.
- Advertising, dear boy.
Copy !req
445. How dare you! How...
Copy !req
446. Aaagh!
Copy !req
447. - What's the matter, Bagley?
- I've got a boil.
Copy !req
448. A big boil. I believe it's justice.
Copy !req
449. The poison quitting my miserable system.
Copy !req
450. 15 years ago, I was out there
on the floor where you are now,
Copy !req
451. and I was very like you, Bagley.
Copy !req
452. I was the best.
Copy !req
453. But I got myself into some
trouble with a gas-fired heating system.
Copy !req
454. I tell you, I was desperate.
I made myself ill with worry.
Copy !req
455. I finally ended up at a specialist
who told me I'd given myself an ulcer.
Copy !req
456. But it was a lot more than that to me.
Copy !req
457. As far as I was concerned,
I'd given myself a detonator.
Copy !req
458. I became obsessed with fears
of spontaneous combustion.
Copy !req
459. This gas-fired business had penetrated
so deeply into my subconscious,
Copy !req
460. I thought I was seconds away
from bursting into flames.
Copy !req
461. I started drinking water,
sometimes as much as 25 pints a day.
Copy !req
462. I slept with a bucketful by the bed.
Copy !req
463. I even bought a fire extinguisher.
Copy !req
464. I'm surprised you needed to bother.
You must have pissed like a fire engine.
Copy !req
465. Anyway, what's all this
got to do with me?
Copy !req
466. What I'm telling you
is that I tried to quit too,
Copy !req
467. but the man who sat here
refused to accept my resignation.
Copy !req
468. - Hard luck.
- Was it?
Copy !req
469. I took a month off and went abroad,
Copy !req
470. rested and got myself a tan
and then I came back.
Copy !req
471. And by Christ, Bagley,
did I sell some radiators.
Copy !req
472. - Really?
- Never been better.
Copy !req
473. And I'll tell you something else.
I didn't burst into flames, either.
Copy !req
474. Well, let's hope it's not too late.
Copy !req
475. Cos if you went up,
it would save me a job.
Copy !req
476. Cos I tell you, Bristol,
any night now,
Copy !req
477. I'm likely to turn up here
and burn this dump to the ground.
Copy !req
478. I can't believe
how the thing could grow so quickly.
Copy !req
479. This morning it was a pea.
Now it's like a fucking tomato.
Copy !req
480. I can't bear it any longer, Julia.
Copy !req
481. The bastard's on fire!
Copy !req
482. Bathe it in warm water again.
Copy !req
483. I have bathed it in warm water again.
Copy !req
484. I've washed it, dried it, poked it,
Copy !req
485. agitated it, insulted it.
Copy !req
486. Nothing. All it does is throb
and get bigger.
Copy !req
487. It's like a thing
in a medical magazine.
Copy !req
488. - Hasn't the mustard helped?
- Of course not.
Copy !req
489. - Maybe you should try the English.
- This is the English.
Copy !req
490. No, it's not, darling.
It's Dijon with fine herbs.
Copy !req
491. Why don't you take some aspirin?
Copy !req
492. Never! I'm gonna knife the swine!
Copy !req
493. Calm down! It's just a big boil.
Copy !req
494. First thing in the morning, I'll run you
into town and we'll have it looked at.
Copy !req
495. Now come to bed.
Copy !req
496. Julia...
Copy !req
497. it's just grown a hair.
Copy !req
498. Oh, it's two o'clock in the morning!
Will you please come to bed?
Copy !req
499. Not now.
Copy !req
500. I gotta get down there
and do some work.
Copy !req
501. Come on, race!
Copy !req
502. Aaah! Mmm!
Copy !req
503. Come on. He needs some help.
Copy !req
504. What are we gonna tell him?
Copy !req
505. All we gotta do is tell him
to throw a rock through their window.
Copy !req
506. Then knock on the door
and sell them all a burglar alarm.
Copy !req
507. - Right.
- Oh, this is a good idea.
Copy !req
508. - Mwah!
- Oh, you missed me!
Copy !req
509. I'm going again.
Copy !req
510. - Oh! Ready? Mwah!
- Mm... Mwah!
Copy !req
511. Oh, I think you're wonderful.
Copy !req
512. Shall I follow you?
Copy !req
513. Yeah. Come on, let's hit
this cathode ray tube.
Copy !req
514. OK. Ready? Here I go! Whee!
Copy !req
515. And whee!
Copy !req
516. Hiya, handsome.
Copy !req
517. You can go home, Mrs Wallace.
Copy !req
518. Dr Gatty, please. Julia Bagley.
Copy !req
519. Well, can you page him?
I need him at once!
Copy !req
520. Good. Yes, wonderful.
Copy !req
521. Thank you. Thank you.
Copy !req
522. The boil! The boil!
Copy !req
523. It's alive! It lives!
Copy !req
524. - What do you mean?
- It's grown a head!
Copy !req
525. I looked at it in the bathroom mirror,
and it spoke to me!
Copy !req
526. Aaaah! Have a look at it!
Copy !req
527. - I have, darling.
- What's it doing?
Copy !req
528. Nothing. It's just a big boil.
Copy !req
529. Boils don't have ears!
Boils don't have mouths that smile!
Copy !req
530. No, darling. Neither does yours.
Copy !req
531. I promise you, it's all part of
this silly, silly stress you're going through.
Copy !req
532. Come along.
We'll go and look at it together.
Copy !req
533. I don't think I dare.
Copy !req
534. Shall I tell you what happened?
Copy !req
535. You were dreaming. You dreamt
you woke up and went to the bathroom.
Copy !req
536. You may have even slept walked there.
Copy !req
537. You saw your own face in the mirror,
and it frightened you.
Copy !req
538. Things like that are always happening
Copy !req
539. when people are under
dreadful mental stress.
Copy !req
540. - Do you think so?
- I'm certain of it.
Copy !req
541. That'll be Dr Gatty.
Copy !req
542. Come upstairs and put something on.
Copy !req
543. - What's the problem, Julia?
- Dennis thinks he's got a talking boil.
Copy !req
544. - What?
- I can't go into it now, but he's manic.
Copy !req
545. - Where is he?
- Upstairs.
Copy !req
546. How is this manifesting?
Copy !req
547. Dennis, darling! Dennis!
Copy !req
548. Dennis, come back! Stop!
Copy !req
549. Ah! Come on, boy.
Copy !req
550. Come on, Dennis.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
Copy !req
551. Stay back, Gatty!
You blast it on the radio!
Copy !req
552. - All right. Here you are. Now, now, boy.
- Aaah! Aaah!
Copy !req
553. - Now, now, now. Come on.
- Aaah! Aaah!
Copy !req
554. There, there, there.
Copy !req
555. There. All done. All done.
Copy !req
556. How do you think he'd react to
a suggestion of psychoanalysis, Julia?
Copy !req
557. Well, he'll agree. He'll have to.
Copy !req
558. Not necessarily. He's almost
certainly convinced of his sanity.
Copy !req
559. In which case, it might well be difficult
to persuade him a psychiatrist could help.
Copy !req
560. The only thing he'd consent to
at the moment is me lancing the boil.
Copy !req
561. Why don't you?
Do it now while he's asleep?
Copy !req
562. I'm not an expert
in these things, Julia.
Copy !req
563. I don't think that's a good idea.
Copy !req
564. Removing it in his condition might
set up some kind of permanent block.
Copy !req
565. You've got to remember, as far as
he's concerned, I wouldn't be lancing it.
Copy !req
566. I'd be decapitating it,
and that could be dangerous.
Copy !req
567. We don't know who this person is.
Copy !req
568. It might be a relative. His mother.
Copy !req
569. - I think it's a male.
- Father, then.
Copy !req
570. I'm sure that before any attempt
is made to get rid of it,
Copy !req
571. you've got to find out who it is.
Copy !req
572. Once we've done that,
we've got a good chance
Copy !req
573. of converting it back to a normal boil.
Copy !req
574. Then I'll lance it.
Copy !req
575. For the moment, it's just a matter
of getting him to see a good psychoanalyst.
Copy !req
576. - Do you know someone?
- I know a very good man in town.
Copy !req
577. - It might take two or three days.
- He'll have to consent.
Copy !req
578. - If he doesn't, we'll have to make him.
- I fear so.
Copy !req
579. - What do you mean?
- Could involve certification.
Copy !req
580. But he's just exhausted.
He's not really mad, is he?
Copy !req
581. Running naked around a garden
insisting a boil has spoken to you
Copy !req
582. is more than just exhaustion, Julia.
Copy !req
583. Look. This is what I suggest. Tomorrow,
I'll call you with an appointment.
Copy !req
584. You have to do your best
to get him there.
Copy !req
585. For the moment, make sure he keeps
taking the tablets every two hours.
Copy !req
586. He'll stay under control.
Copy !req
587. When he wakes up, try and be normal.
Cook him dinner.
Copy !req
588. You'll probably have to go along with him.
Copy !req
589. It'll be difficult. You'll have to try.
Copy !req
590. And you'd better keep a record
of what the boil says.
Copy !req
591. At least, what he says it says.
Copy !req
592. Could be important.
Copy !req
593. Don't worry. We'll sort it out.
Copy !req
594. - What are those?
- Just pills.
Copy !req
595. Two now, two before bed.
Copy !req
596. Do you think I'm going mad, Julia?
Copy !req
597. Goodness gracious, no!
Copy !req
598. Dr Gatty says you're simply
paying the price of your creativity.
Copy !req
599. He says you have such an active imagination,
it's taking advantage of you.
Copy !req
600. - What did he say about the boil?
- He said it's perfectly normal.
Copy !req
601. He said it's
an absolutely normal boil,
Copy !req
602. and as soon as you've
had a proper rest, it'll go away.
Copy !req
603. - Are you sure?
- Absolutely.
Copy !req
604. Trust me. Take my word for it.
Copy !req
605. Mmm. Smells good.
Copy !req
606. - Smells thumb-sucking good.
- Thank you, darling.
Copy !req
607. - I didn't say anything.
- Oh, I see.
Copy !req
608. Now we're going to have a nice dinner,
and everything will be normal.
Copy !req
609. And if it speaks again,
we'll ignore it, won't we?
Copy !req
610. Promise?
Copy !req
611. - What are you doing?
- Merely whistling.
Copy !req
612. - You're staring.
- Not at all.
Copy !req
613. I was just getting ready
to clear my throat, that's all.
Copy !req
614. It's extraordinary how much steam
comes off hot peas, isn't it?
Copy !req
615. Yes, darling.
Copy !req
616. Go to France.
Copy !req
617. Yes, fancy France?
Paris in the springtime?
Copy !req
618. That'd be lovely.
Copy !req
619. That's a very attractive oven glove.
Copy !req
620. Are you ashamed
of your false teeth?
Copy !req
621. - I don't have false teeth.
- I know you don't, darling. I know you don't.
Copy !req
622. What I meant was, if you did have false
teeth, would you be ashamed of them?
Copy !req
623. - It was a hypothetical question.
- Probably not.
Copy !req
624. Boeuf bourguignon.
Copy !req
625. Breath.
For many, the unmentionable.
Copy !req
626. - I beg your pardon, darling?
- Just happened to be thinking about it.
Copy !req
627. Breath and false teeth and things.
Copy !req
628. You know, there's no real reason
why we should wait.
Copy !req
629. - For what?
- Paris.
Copy !req
630. We could leave in a week or so.
Copy !req
631. - We could even leave tomorrow.
- You dropped your napkin, darling.
Copy !req
632. I'll buy a couple of polo necks,
and we could hop on a plane.
Copy !req
633. Put an end to the misery of dentures.
You could smile again with confidence.
Copy !req
634. Just ask Barbara Simmons.
Copy !req
635. Why did you say that?
Copy !req
636. Who is Barbara Simmons?
Copy !req
637. I don't know.
Copy !req
638. - Then why talk about her?
- I don't know.
Copy !req
639. - You're not really trying, you know.
- Trying what?
Copy !req
640. Trying not to talk
about breath and false teeth
Copy !req
641. and people with names
like Barbara Simmons.
Copy !req
642. I am, Julia.
It's got nothing to do with me.
Copy !req
643. It's the you-know-what.
Copy !req
644. Well, it's ever so slightly
getting on my nerves.
Copy !req
645. - I thought we weren't going to listen to it.
- I can't help but listen to it.
Copy !req
646. And I can't stop
the you-know-what saying it.
Copy !req
647. Stop saying "the you-know-what".
Copy !req
648. All right, then. The boil.
Copy !req
649. Darling, it is not the boil.
Copy !req
650. Don't you think I haven't noticed?
Copy !req
651. Every time you say something,
you turn away
Copy !req
652. or hunch your shoulder or get under
the table so I can't see your lips moving.
Copy !req
653. That's not the case, Julia.
I'm not turning away to speak.
Copy !req
654. What it's doing is waiting till I turn away
before it speaks.
Copy !req
655. That's nonsense!
It was you that suggested France.
Copy !req
656. I did not, I merely confirmed
what the boil said.
Copy !req
657. - Then stop siding with it!
- Don't be ridiculous! I'm not siding with it!
Copy !req
658. I'm going crazy trying to incorporate it
into my conversation so I won't upset you.
Copy !req
659. But I never know
what it's going to say next.
Copy !req
660. What you'll say next. It's you saying it.
Copy !req
661. It's the boil, Julia!
Believe me, it's the boil!
Copy !req
662. - I can't stand it any more.
- How do you think I feel about it?
Copy !req
663. I'm on the coast of panic.
I'm staring over the edge!
Copy !req
664. Just tell me how a boil
Copy !req
665. can come up with a name
like Barbara Simmons?
Copy !req
666. Say no more, Julia. Don't say more.
Copy !req
667. Why should a boil suddenly
suggest going to France?
Copy !req
668. - I don't know.
- Why not Portugal?
Copy !req
669. I don't know. I don't know!
Copy !req
670. Perhaps the fucker wants
to go up the Eiffel Tower!
Copy !req
671. Maybe the bastard
wants to see the sights!
Copy !req
672. Sit down! I'm going to call Gatty.
Copy !req
673. - What for?
- To see if he's got you in!
Copy !req
674. In where?
Copy !req
675. - Stay back! You need help!
- I refuse to have that quack in here.
Copy !req
676. I refuse to be rendered unconscious.
Copy !req
677. You have got to see a psychiatrist.
Copy !req
678. Are you there, Julia?
Copy !req
679. Are you there?
Copy !req
680. I have to be very quiet.
Copy !req
681. He's a very light sleeper.
Copy !req
682. I wish I could come out
and talk to you, darling.
Copy !req
683. But it's impossible. You've seen.
Copy !req
684. I have to tell you, Julia,
Copy !req
685. I'm getting increasingly
concerned for my future.
Copy !req
686. I don't know how this will end.
Copy !req
687. For all I know, in a fortnight's time,
Copy !req
688. I'll be waking up with a bald head
and a bit of a grin.
Copy !req
689. "How do you feel, Mr Bagley?"
"Much better, thank you, doctor."
Copy !req
690. But the one thing I'm not, darling,
is insane.
Copy !req
691. I'm 100 percent normal.
Copy !req
692. When I came in here,
it was my intention to make a film.
Copy !req
693. I wanted to tell the world
about advertising.
Copy !req
694. It's not finished, of course.
Copy !req
695. It's difficult to concentrate
with a shanker yacking on your neck.
Copy !req
696. Incidentally, in case it's bothering you,
Copy !req
697. the reason I'm wearing
this wine carton on my head
Copy !req
698. is so I can talk
without disturbing it.
Copy !req
699. It can't hear, you see?
Copy !req
700. The world is in danger, Julia.
The greed is out of control.
Copy !req
701. Greed is abolishing the future.
Copy !req
702. It's turning truth
inside out and upside down.
Copy !req
703. And this is its poisonous mouthpiece.
Copy !req
704. Bollocks!
Copy !req
705. Oh, Christ! I think I've woken him up.
I'll have to be quick.
Copy !req
706. What I have to explain
is the mechanics of a holocaust.
Copy !req
707. Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Copy !req
708. I'm not talking about atom bombs,
darling. I'm talking about hamburgers.
Copy !req
709. I had a nasty feeling
I was going to have to wake up to this.
Copy !req
710. If I was you, I'd turn this off, Julia.
It's only gonna upset you.
Copy !req
711. You see what a nightmare I'm in.
You see why I can't talk to you.
Copy !req
712. Who are you talking to, then?
Copy !req
713. God, it converses. I'm talking to it.
Copy !req
714. - I need a cigarette.
- Be silent, you Moloch!
Copy !req
715. - Moloch?
- Yes, that's you, you Moloch, you bogey!
Copy !req
716. If you insist we have to listen
to this bullshit, I need a cigarette.
Copy !req
717. All right, I'll get you one.
But on one condition.
Copy !req
718. That you'll keep quiet
while you're smoking it.
Copy !req
719. - Deal.
- Swear!
Copy !req
720. I might be a shanker,
but my word is my bond.
Copy !req
721. Don't turn off, darling.
60 seconds and I'll be back.
Copy !req
722. Oh, Mrs Wallace!
I didn't know you were here.
Copy !req
723. - I thought everyone was out.
- My husband's outside in the van.
Copy !req
724. - Is he? How is he?
- He's waiting to collect me.
Copy !req
725. Is he? Julia out shopping?
Copy !req
726. Look, I wasn't actually going through
your handbag. I need a cigarette.
Copy !req
727. Here, you can have them all.
Copy !req
728. I only want one. I don't smoke.
Copy !req
729. Got a light?
Copy !req
730. Vile. I'm glad I've given up.
Copy !req
731. Morning, darling. Lovely day.
Copy !req
732. Is it? Traffic's appalling.
Copy !req
733. You wouldn't make me
a cup of tea, would you, Sylvia?
Copy !req
734. - Tea, Dennis?
- No, thank you.
Copy !req
735. Don't pretend you haven't noticed
my cardboard box, Julia,
Copy !req
736. because I know you have.
Copy !req
737. And I know Mrs, Wallace,
God bless her, has noticed it too.
Copy !req
738. But there's a perfectly
reasonable explanation,
Copy !req
739. which I'm afraid I don't
have time to go into now.
Copy !req
740. Matter of fact, I'm very busy now.
I better get back in there.
Copy !req
741. - Thanks for the cigarette, Mrs Wallace.
- I thought you'd given up.
Copy !req
742. I have. I'm not smoking it.
I'm just holding it.
Copy !req
743. - I'll be out later.
- Don't be too long.
Copy !req
744. We're leaving in less than an hour.
Copy !req
745. Who's gonna tell me about it, then?
Copy !req
746. You or the boil?
Copy !req
747. No, no. I think we should start again.
Copy !req
748. There's no side to any of this.
There is me. There is a boil.
Copy !req
749. The boil happens to be able to speak,
but that doesn't qualify it to give an opinion.
Copy !req
750. It was me that decided
to come here, not it.
Copy !req
751. You don't think the inclusion
of the boil could perhaps help us?
Copy !req
752. No. I'm not interested in its opinions.
Copy !req
753. Even if it says something
that might be of relevance?
Copy !req
754. I'm not interested in it,
no matter what it says.
Copy !req
755. In my opinion,
it should be lanced instantly.
Copy !req
756. It was the only reason
I agreed to come off the garage roof.
Copy !req
757. If it wants to join in,
it can pay its own bill.
Copy !req
758. Come and lie down.
Copy !req
759. Please.
Copy !req
760. Tell me about advertising.
Copy !req
761. Now, you resigned from an important
firm with a very highly paid job.
Copy !req
762. I'd like to know your reasons.
Copy !req
763. Well, at least try
and give me an example
Copy !req
764. of even one of those reasons.
Copy !req
765. All right. Reason one.
Copy !req
766. Advertising conspires with Big Brother.
Copy !req
767. And you're afraid of Big Brother?
Copy !req
768. Someone or something
coming into your life
Copy !req
769. and telling you what to do?
Copy !req
770. No. I'm not afraid of him. I'm one
of the few who really understands him.
Copy !req
771. Oh?
Copy !req
772. The man who conceived of Big Brother
Copy !req
773. never knew what was coming
down the line.
Copy !req
774. Thought his filthy creation
was gonna be watching us.
Copy !req
775. But it is us who watch it.
There's one in every living room.
Copy !req
776. The monstrous injustice of it is,
we stare at it of our own free will.
Copy !req
777. So we could say, principally,
that it's television that you blame?
Copy !req
778. We can say entirely it is the crooks
who've infiltrated it that I blame.
Copy !req
779. They've moved in on the greatest
means of communication since the wheel.
Copy !req
780. And now they've done it,
their greed is insatiable.
Copy !req
781. They're cutting down jungles
to breed hamburgers,
Copy !req
782. turning the whole world into a car park.
Copy !req
783. They'd sell off the sea to satisfy
the needs of their great god Greed.
Copy !req
784. They won't be satisfied,
not till we're all squatting
Copy !req
785. in one of its fucking hatchbacks
on a motorway.
Copy !req
786. There isn't going to be
anywhere left to go
Copy !req
787. except in slow revolutions towards
the crest of the next slag heap.
Copy !req
788. Do you have trouble
in getting an erection?
Copy !req
789. - What?
- Can you get an erection?
Copy !req
790. - Yes!
- Masturbating much?
Copy !req
791. Constantly! I've got
a talking boil on my neck!
Copy !req
792. What would you do?
Copy !req
793. What does this mean to you?
Copy !req
794. "Are you ashamed of your false teeth?
Copy !req
795. "Put an end to the miseries of dentures.
Copy !req
796. "You could smile again with confidence.
Copy !req
797. "Just ask Barbara Simmons."
Copy !req
798. The boil said it a few nights ago.
Sounds like a particularly crude voiceover.
Copy !req
799. - Voiceover?
- The voice that sells.
Copy !req
800. If you're selling perfume,
it sounds like a lover.
Copy !req
801. If you're selling something
inedible you want people to eat,
Copy !req
802. it'll sound as stupid
as they'll have to be to buy it.
Copy !req
803. In this case, it would sound
like a dentist, someone in the know.
Copy !req
804. I see. So one could say that it's,
erm, the voice of authority?
Copy !req
805. Like, erm...
Well, like a parent's voice, almost?
Copy !req
806. If you like.
Copy !req
807. Has the boil spoken this morning?
Copy !req
808. Yes, I had a row with it, and it got
very heated when I refused to shave.
Copy !req
809. - Tell me about your parents.
- Not part of the plot.
Copy !req
810. As far as I know,
they were completely normal.
Copy !req
811. - I come from a completely normal family.
- Tell him about your grandfather.
Copy !req
812. That was the boil. Ignore it.
Copy !req
813. I don't think we should do that.
Copy !req
814. It's the first time it's spoken in front
of me, and it might be important.
Copy !req
815. It has nothing important to say.
It is destructive, self-satisfied and abusive.
Copy !req
816. - You cun...
- You see? Don't listen.
Copy !req
817. Come on. Fair's fair.
You've had your say. Now I'll have mine.
Copy !req
818. Don't listen to it! Don't listen to it!
Copy !req
819. Why don't you tell me
about your grandfather?
Copy !req
820. If you tell me,
the boil might be quiet.
Copy !req
821. My grandfather was caught
molesting a wallaby in a private zoo in 1919.
Copy !req
822. - A wallaby?
- May have been a kangaroo. I'm not sure.
Copy !req
823. - You mean sexually?
- Suppose so. He had his hand in its pouch.
Copy !req
824. - Fucked it, didn't he?
- He did not fuck it!
Copy !req
825. Just... just lie back.
Copy !req
826. - What happened to him?
- He pleaded insanity and got three months.
Copy !req
827. Does the authoritarian attitude
they took with him upset you?
Copy !req
828. - No. He died before I was born.
- Do you sympathise with him?
Copy !req
829. If I had been stuck in a trench
for three years,
Copy !req
830. - I might do something stupid myself.
- Like showing affection for an animal?
Copy !req
831. - He'd fuck one.
- Shut up!
Copy !req
832. Ask Barbara Simmons.
He'd fuck her as well.
Copy !req
833. Oh, my God. How could the boil have
possibly known about my grandfather?
Copy !req
834. That means it can read my mind.
Copy !req
835. No, Mr Bagley, it does not.
Copy !req
836. We'll speak about that in a moment,
when we've had a look at this boil.
Copy !req
837. What you mean is you want
me to have a look at it. No.
Copy !req
838. What would you say
if I said that you don't want to look at it
Copy !req
839. because you're frightened
of what you might see?
Copy !req
840. I'd say you'd be absolutely right.
Copy !req
841. Isn't that trying to pretend
it doesn't exist?
Copy !req
842. Isn't that exactly what you're accusing
everyone else of doing?
Copy !req
843. Now, we must reduce
this guilt in two ways.
Copy !req
844. First, it must be physically
reduced with surgery.
Copy !req
845. And secondly, we must reduce
your punishing conscience
Copy !req
846. by refusing to allow it to hide.
Copy !req
847. Once we get it out into the open,
it'll be easier to fight.
Copy !req
848. And I'm certain that
by the time your neck's healed,
Copy !req
849. you'll be smiling at this problem
and be back at work.
Copy !req
850. Never. No matter what you reduce,
I will never go back to advertising.
Copy !req
851. Perhaps. But now, let's have a look
at this bully on your neck.
Copy !req
852. Just look at it in the mirror...
Copy !req
853. and tell me what you see.
Copy !req
854. Oh, God in heaven!
Copy !req
855. It's grown a moustache!
Copy !req
856. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
857. - Oh, my God.
- Yes.
Copy !req
858. Yes?
Copy !req
859. The bastard looks just like me!
Copy !req
860. What you must understand
Copy !req
861. is that it's not the boil that can read you.
Copy !req
862. It is you, Mr Bagley,
that can read the boil.
Copy !req
863. You can read it because it is you.
Copy !req
864. At least, a part of you.
Copy !req
865. The boil knows what you're thinking
Copy !req
866. because you've projected
some of you into it.
Copy !req
867. You've given it the side
that you find intolerable,
Copy !req
868. the bullying, aggressive, dictatorial side.
Copy !req
869. The side that sells toothpaste and soap.
Copy !req
870. You've decided that selling these things
is a bad thing for you to do,
Copy !req
871. and you are unable to accept
the guilt for what you feel you've done.
Copy !req
872. Therefore, you've transmitted
these qualities into the boil.
Copy !req
873. Perhaps, by doing this,
you hope to escape your guilt.
Copy !req
874. But you've created a symbol
of foul-mouthed authority instead.
Copy !req
875. Your very own Big Brother.
Copy !req
876. - Welcome back. My name's Debra.
- My head.
Copy !req
877. Come on. Let's sit you up straight.
Copy !req
878. Up we go. There we are.
Copy !req
879. - Have they done it?
- In the morning.
Copy !req
880. - You hungry?
- No.
Copy !req
881. I'll bring you something anyway.
There's beef burgers or fish fingers.
Copy !req
882. I can hardly move my arms.
I can hardly move anything.
Copy !req
883. Barbiturate.
They gave you a whopping dose.
Copy !req
884. You should have had
the fish fingers.
Copy !req
885. Mouthwatering fillets
of young cod, matey,
Copy !req
886. in a crisp, golden batter, my mate.
Copy !req
887. Shut up. You never talk in front
of people, so don't talk in front of me.
Copy !req
888. Suit yourself.
Suit yourself. Suit yourself.
Copy !req
889. Just thought you might be interested
in a little light rabbit to while the time away.
Copy !req
890. Fuck me. What I wouldn't do
for a cigarette.
Copy !req
891. - Who are you? What do you want?
- I am your better half.
Copy !req
892. - You're not!
- Mais oui, je suis.
Copy !req
893. A very expensive
psychiatrist told you I was.
Copy !req
894. He did not!
You're just a dirty carbuncle.
Copy !req
895. There's no reason to raise your voice.
Copy !req
896. There's no reason why we shouldn't pass
these last few hours together amicably.
Copy !req
897. - Be quiet.
- That wouldn't be fair.
Copy !req
898. I listened to you
and all that Big Brother muck.
Copy !req
899. Don't mind telling you,
I was bored stiff.
Copy !req
900. I had absolutely nothing
to do under there.
Copy !req
901. Except tend me moustache, of course.
Copy !req
902. 'Ere, you know why I grew it?
Big Granddad.
Copy !req
903. How did you find out
about my grandfather?
Copy !req
904. Walls have ears, Dennis.
I overheard Julia telling Gatty.
Copy !req
905. Nice pair of tits, Julia.
Copy !req
906. I believe you was unconscious
at the time.
Copy !req
907. You bastard! I only have one wish,
Copy !req
908. and that is that I could be awake
to see you lanced.
Copy !req
909. I'd like to see the knife going in.
Copy !req
910. I'd like to see you suffer.
Copy !req
911. - A typically communist statement.
- I'm not a communist!
Copy !req
912. Yes, you are. You want
to take everyone's car away.
Copy !req
913. I do not want to take
anything from anyone.
Copy !req
914. I want to give them
the choice of something better.
Copy !req
915. - Oh, yes? What?
- Trains.
Copy !req
916. Trains? Trains are no good.
They're old-fashioned.
Copy !req
917. - I hate trains. They're rotten.
- Only because they don't consume.
Copy !req
918. Only because they're already there
and don't eat up more and more and more.
Copy !req
919. That's why you hate them.
That's why government hates them.
Copy !req
920. That's why they're
old-fashioned and rotten.
Copy !req
921. - You commies don't half talk a lot of shit.
- Shut up! I'm not a communist!
Copy !req
922. I refuse to argue with a carbuncle.
Copy !req
923. - You are a communist.
- Fuck off!
Copy !req
924. That's very rude of you, Mr Bagley.
Copy !req
925. Nobody's forcing you to have supper.
Copy !req
926. I'm sorry. That wasn't directed at you.
Copy !req
927. - Lovely.
- Thought you'd change your mind.
Copy !req
928. That wasn't me. That was the boil.
Copy !req
929. I've heard all about your boil, Mr Bagley.
Copy !req
930. - Now, you tuck in and enjoy it.
- It's no good.
Copy !req
931. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't eat.
I can't move my arm.
Copy !req
932. Looks like you're doing fine to me.
Copy !req
933. Oh, my God! Nurse!
Copy !req
934. It's the boil shaking it!
Copy !req
935. - It's the boil! Aaah! Aaah!
- Mmm.
Copy !req
936. Aaah! Ah!
Copy !req
937. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
938. Aaaah! Aaaah!
Copy !req
939. Oh, my God! Aaah!
Copy !req
940. Oh, Jesus! Oh! Oh, my God!
Copy !req
941. Oh! Oh!
Copy !req
942. He's got my hand! He's got my arm!
Copy !req
943. You think I'd let a little pipsqueak
like you undermine society,
Copy !req
944. ruin everything we've got?
Copy !req
945. Piss like you needs dealing with!
You're the enemy within!
Copy !req
946. Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse!
Copy !req
947. Do you think I could have a pillow?
Copy !req
948. Yes, of course.
Copy !req
949. - Thank you, Debbie. May I call you Debbie?
- Mm-hm.
Copy !req
950. You're talking to the wrong head!
Copy !req
951. Sorry, dear. I get these nasty spasms.
Copy !req
952. Help! Help! Help! Help!
Copy !req
953. Shut up! I've had enough of you!
Copy !req
954. Mmph!
Copy !req
955. Help! Help! Help! Help! Help!
Copy !req
956. - Help! Help!
- Put some pressure on his arm.
Copy !req
957. No! No! It's the boil! Aaaah!
Copy !req
958. Don't you worry, old man.
You have a little sleep.
Copy !req
959. It'll all be over in the morning.
Copy !req
960. - Mm!
- Help! Help!
Copy !req
961. No!
Copy !req
962. No, don't! Don't lance the wrong...
Copy !req
963. head...
Copy !req
964. John. Bagley. I want to see you.
Copy !req
965. No, no. Just a couple of fuses blew.
Stitches coming out in a week.
Copy !req
966. Listen, we've got to talk
about this pimple cream.
Copy !req
967. Yeah, yeah, I know he has.
Forget the problems.
Copy !req
968. I'll take care of the problems.
Copy !req
969. They're gonna love waiting for it.
Copy !req
970. It's a massacre.
Copy !req
971. But I've gotta warn you,
at first it might sound ridiculous.
Copy !req
972. It's radical and not without its risks,
but I'm certain I can pull it off.
Copy !req
973. And what it is,
is Lawrence of Arabia
Copy !req
974. and a little town called Aqaba.
Copy !req
975. The last thing they expected
was for Lawrence
Copy !req
976. to come roaring across the desert
and attack them from behind.
Copy !req
977. It seemed impossible.
And because it was impossible,
Copy !req
978. all their defences faced the wrong way.
Copy !req
979. And that's how I want
to sell this pimple cream.
Copy !req
980. I want to come in from behind,
where they least expect me,
Copy !req
981. just like Lawrence of Arabia.
Copy !req
982. Now. As I see it, we've gotta
forget this for at least three months.
Copy !req
983. I estimate that
as the very minimum we need
Copy !req
984. to create the ravenous market I'm after.
Copy !req
985. - And how are you gonna do that?
- By glamorising boils.
Copy !req
986. - Glamorise them?
- That's right.
Copy !req
987. I want to make them fashionable.
Copy !req
988. I want to encourage every kid
to take a pride in his breakouts.
Copy !req
989. I want to sell them the idea
that boils are beautiful.
Copy !req
990. If I can do that, I can treble
the market at a minimum.
Copy !req
991. That's absurd.
Copy !req
992. To sell atom bombs,
you've got to sell fear.
Copy !req
993. If you want to sell this pimple cream,
you've got to encourage pimples.
Copy !req
994. How?
Copy !req
995. Cut! Cut!
One more, boys. Get it right.
Copy !req
996. - Open the doors.
- Gotta go, Bagley.
Copy !req
997. - Richard, are you free Saturday?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
998. Julia's putting a party together.
It's our anniversary.
Copy !req
999. If you like, we'd love you along.
Copy !req
1000. Oh! What are you doing?
Copy !req
1001. Wake up, man! We're in mortal peril!
Copy !req
1002. - How'd it go?
- Terrific.
Copy !req
1003. - She's gonna be terrific.
- The stitches.
Copy !req
1004. Terrific. Didn't feel a thing.
Copy !req
1005. Coming up to bed, darling?
Copy !req
1006. Mm, in a minute.
Just watching this.
Copy !req
1007. - It's fascinating.
- What is it?
Copy !req
1008. A thriller.
Copy !req
1009. Don't be too long,
because I'm practically dead.
Copy !req
1010. I didn't know you'd invited Penny.
Copy !req
1011. Of course I invited Penny. You'd better
be nice to her, cos she's my friend.
Copy !req
1012. Poor Penny.
I'm surprised she'd come.
Copy !req
1013. I suppose she does it
out of some sort of social duty,
Copy !req
1014. like organising Dutch caps
for the Hindus.
Copy !req
1015. It's nearly eight. Hurry up.
Copy !req
1016. There's just this little piece
of neck here I need to kiss.
Copy !req
1017. You're looking
very summery, Penny.
Copy !req
1018. Thank you.
It's a Meilleur, made in India.
Copy !req
1019. Happy anniversary, darling.
Copy !req
1020. Are you having an affair, Julia?
Copy !req
1021. - No.
- Then what's up?
Copy !req
1022. Oh, I don't know.
I'm just so wound up about Dennis,
Copy !req
1023. terrified his thing
will start talking again.
Copy !req
1024. - Well, it hasn't, has it?
- Not exactly.
Copy !req
1025. But I had this terrible, terrible dream,
Penny, a nightmare,
Copy !req
1026. - and I can't get it out of my head.
- Mrs Bagley, the musicians are here.
Copy !req
1027. Tell them to come in, Sylvia,
do whatever they like.
Copy !req
1028. We can't talk here.
Come and have a drink.
Copy !req
1029. It said Dennis wasn't my husband.
It said it was.
Copy !req
1030. And it said it with
this horrible sort of mouth.
Copy !req
1031. It said Dennis is an incarnation
of evil with a briefcase.
Copy !req
1032. It kept going on about a briefcase.
Copy !req
1033. Then it said, "Zero, zero, zero,"
again and again and again.
Copy !req
1034. - And what's "Zero, zero, zero"?
- It's horrendous. I don't know.
Copy !req
1035. - And that's it?
- No.
Copy !req
1036. Then it told me to get an electric
carving knife and cut his head off.
Copy !req
1037. It's not funny, Penny. It's the most
terrifying experience of my life.
Copy !req
1038. - So real, it could have been real.
- Have you told Dennis?
Copy !req
1039. Of course not. The last thing
I want to do is excite him.
Copy !req
1040. I tell you, Penny, I'm still
waiting to scream about it.
Copy !req
1041. - Come along.
- Along where?
Copy !req
1042. - We're gonna look in the case.
- Don't be so silly.
Copy !req
1043. Dennis doesn't even have a briefcase.
He loathes them.
Copy !req
1044. - Uses an old doctor's bag.
- Then, with all due respect,
Copy !req
1045. I hardly see that I should be
the one accused of being silly.
Copy !req
1046. It's you that's had the silly dream.
Copy !req
1047. And, under the circumstances,
I'm surprised you get to sleep at all.
Copy !req
1048. I personally would be up
all night with a revolver.
Copy !req
1049. It's not just the dream, Penny.
Copy !req
1050. Ever since Dennis came out of hospital,
Copy !req
1051. he's been peculiar, sexually.
Copy !req
1052. He's obsessed
with blackheads and fucking.
Copy !req
1053. - And not in that order.
- But you've always adored fucking.
Copy !req
1054. Not when I'm cleaning my teeth, I don't!
Not when I'm doing anything, I don't.
Copy !req
1055. The truth is, Penny,
I can't bear him touching me.
Copy !req
1056. I don't know why, but I can't.
I'm running out of headaches.
Copy !req
1057. He's absolutely sex mad.
Copy !req
1058. Yesterday evening, he said
he wished I had nipples on my arse.
Copy !req
1059. Don't!
Copy !req
1060. That's just the least of it.
Copy !req
1061. Lord, they're arriving.
I'll tell you about this later.
Copy !req
1062. You breathe a word of this to anyone,
Penny, and I'll absolutely kill you.
Copy !req
1063. - Hello.
- Ah!
Copy !req
1064. - Hello, darling.
- Mm! Dying for a pee. This is Monica.
Copy !req
1065. - Hello, Monica. Come and have a drink.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
1066. - Penny Wheelstock.
- Hello.
Copy !req
1067. - This is the most lovely room.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
1068. And, uh, how long
have you been married?
Copy !req
1069. - Seven years.
- Congratulations.
Copy !req
1070. - Snap.
- Sorry?
Copy !req
1071. - You're wearing Le De. Givenchy.
- Oh!
Copy !req
1072. It's my totally favourite scent,
and they've stopped making it.
Copy !req
1073. Have they?
I bought it in Marbella.
Copy !req
1074. Did you? Well, you're lucky. It's extinct.
Copy !req
1075. Richard, darling,
can I get something over with?
Copy !req
1076. - Then we can all forget about it.
- Sure.
Copy !req
1077. I didn't really want to have this party.
I thought we might be rushing it a bit.
Copy !req
1078. Dennis's psychiatrist thinks it's a good
idea to get him back into the swim.
Copy !req
1079. But he's all right, isn't he?
Copy !req
1080. - I've never seen him on such good form.
- Absolutely. He's fine.
Copy !req
1081. But he just had his stitches out,
so naturally, we're a bit apprehensive.
Copy !req
1082. So if anything happens,
Copy !req
1083. which I'm certain it won't,
Copy !req
1084. the idea is we all sort of go along with him.
Copy !req
1085. - We humour him, discreetly.
- Not exactly, Penny.
Copy !req
1086. We just behave normally.
I don't want him excited.
Copy !req
1087. - I certainly don't want any arguments.
- What's the matter with him?
Copy !req
1088. He was overworked and nearly had
a breakdown, but he's much better now.
Copy !req
1089. You're alive.
Copy !req
1090. Can you speak?
Copy !req
1091. You don't look at all well, you know.
Copy !req
1092. Not being a medical man,
I wouldn't take my word for it,
Copy !req
1093. but I'd say you had the mark.
Copy !req
1094. You look like
a doomed bollock.
Copy !req
1095. - I want to speak to my wife.
- Oh, you can talk, can you?
Copy !req
1096. Let me speak to Julia,
and I swear I'll never speak again.
Copy !req
1097. Speak to her of what, boil?
Copy !req
1098. I want her to see my film. Please?
Copy !req
1099. Oh, so that's what's
worrying you, is it?
Copy !req
1100. Well, let me put your mind at rest.
Copy !req
1101. Firstly, on a purely ideological basis,
Copy !req
1102. it's out of the question.
Copy !req
1103. And second, I burnt it.
Copy !req
1104. - Oh, no!
- Oh, yes.
Copy !req
1105. And prepare yourself for another
little fluctuation of blood pressure,
Copy !req
1106. cos it's not the only thing I've burnt.
Copy !req
1107. - I've also burnt Julia's diaphragm.
- Oh, no!
Copy !req
1108. Oh, yes! It's time Julia had a baby.
Copy !req
1109. - Ogre!
- Hopefully a baby boy-bol.
Copy !req
1110. You are a criminal ogre.
Copy !req
1111. It's all quite normal, boil.
Copy !req
1112. Now, I intend to commence
vigorous intercourse at about one am.
Copy !req
1113. I don't want to go too far
into the details of what this might mean,
Copy !req
1114. but if I was you,
I'd have an early night.
Copy !req
1115. Cut your throat, monster.
Copy !req
1116. In the name of humanity,
cut your filthy throat.
Copy !req
1117. Don't start getting emotional.
Copy !req
1118. I'll do everything I can to harm you!
Copy !req
1119. You can't harm me,
you miserable little bit of garbage.
Copy !req
1120. You'll be dead in a couple of days,
Copy !req
1121. so why don't you try and do it
with some dignity?
Copy !req
1122. Dignity? You're corruption.
Copy !req
1123. Julia! Julia!
Copy !req
1124. 50 per cent of politics
is about creating a problem.
Copy !req
1125. The other 50 percent
is about offering to solve it.
Copy !req
1126. All you've got to do
is bugger something up,
Copy !req
1127. then hasten to your nearest
TV station with a solution.
Copy !req
1128. Doesn't matter what it is.
The environment, hospitals, crime...
Copy !req
1129. Create a crime wave and up will pop some
perfectly plausible head-selling police.
Copy !req
1130. - The rock through the window technique.
- That's exactly what it is.
Copy !req
1131. It might work on everyone else.
It doesn't work on me.
Copy !req
1132. If you breathe air, it works on you.
Large one, no ice, please, Richard.
Copy !req
1133. If you're aware of it, how can you bear
to work in an industry that perpetuates it?
Copy !req
1134. It's probably a defect from birth.
Come and rescue me. I'm being attacked.
Copy !req
1135. - Who's attacking you?
- Penelope here.
Copy !req
1136. She's telling me off because
I think your husband's a genius.
Copy !req
1137. It's outrageous that Dennis should be
allowed to manipulate children's minds.
Copy !req
1138. There is the dear boy. Come along.
I want to ask you both a question.
Copy !req
1139. Is that him?
Copy !req
1140. - He's very good-looking.
- If you like that sort of thing.
Copy !req
1141. - Julia seems terribly tense.
- Surprised? It's him.
Copy !req
1142. He had an operation.
Went weird in the bed department.
Copy !req
1143. - What do you mean?
- Sex. Hello, Basil.
Copy !req
1144. - Hello, Penny. Lovely party.
- Super.
Copy !req
1145. - Apparently, he's insatiable.
- Really?
Copy !req
1146. Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.
Copy !req
1147. Shouldn't really be telling you this.
It was said in the strictest of confidence.
Copy !req
1148. And that's exactly how I'm telling you.
Copy !req
1149. She said he's got a permanent horn.
Copy !req
1150. - Really?
- She said she's desperate.
Copy !req
1151. The other night, she woke up
and caught him
Copy !req
1152. down the bed
with a huge black rubber torch.
Copy !req
1153. - Torch?
- Flashlight.
Copy !req
1154. - Doing what?
- Scrutinising.
Copy !req
1155. He was under the covers.
Said he'd lost something. Contact lens.
Copy !req
1156. Said he didn't want to wake her up.
Copy !req
1157. And unlucky for her that he did,
cos she got another hour's worth.
Copy !req
1158. I'm not going to make a speech.
I'd just like to thank you all for coming
Copy !req
1159. and for making our anniversary so special.
Copy !req
1160. And most of all, I'd like
to thank Julia for organising it all
Copy !req
1161. and for being such a special wife.
Copy !req
1162. How about a toast
to Bagley and Julia?
Copy !req
1163. - Bagley and Julia.
- Bagley and Julia.
Copy !req
1164. I'd also like to propose
a small snifter to our new star.
Copy !req
1165. - I thought she was coming.
- She is, she's been held up.
Copy !req
1166. - To Phyllis Blokey.
- Phyllis.
Copy !req
1167. - Phyllis.
- Blokey.
Copy !req
1168. - She's the singer with the boils.
- To boils, acne and blackheads.
Copy !req
1169. What's this cream
going to be called, anyway?
Copy !req
1170. Don't know yet. Right now we're stuck
with "Filthy Harry's Final Solution".
Copy !req
1171. - Who's Filthy Harry?
- You know, Harry Wax. Creative.
Copy !req
1172. - The only man here in a hired suit.
- He's as close as a Doberman's balls.
Copy !req
1173. Don't want to say anything bad about him.
Copy !req
1174. - Then don't.
- This is excellent.
Copy !req
1175. Yes, I was about to say,
I notice Penny's gone carnivorous.
Copy !req
1176. - She lacked protein.
- And minerals.
Copy !req
1177. I wasn't getting all I needed
out of normal green stuff.
Copy !req
1178. I don't think anyone would ever
encourage me to grow boils.
Copy !req
1179. You're not the market I'm after, darling.
Copy !req
1180. But if you were, I would.
Copy !req
1181. I could sell you anything
from a boil to a hydrogen bomb.
Copy !req
1182. - I don't think so. I'm anti-nuke.
- Hear, hear.
Copy !req
1183. How's the new book coming along, Penny?
Copy !req
1184. Shall I tell you
why people buy hydrogen bombs?
Copy !req
1185. Because they're not like
the bombs people used to use in wars.
Copy !req
1186. We put an added ingredient
into bombs these days.
Copy !req
1187. It's called peace.
Copy !req
1188. Our warheads are stuffed
to the brim with it.
Copy !req
1189. We're years ahead
of the competition, of course.
Copy !req
1190. - The Russians don't put peace in theirs.
- Very good, Bagley.
Copy !req
1191. Can anyone think of a discreet
way of changing the subject?
Copy !req
1192. I'm sorry, Julia. I'm afraid
Dennis is absolutely right.
Copy !req
1193. There's a splendid example of what
he's talking about outside our building.
Copy !req
1194. - Ever looked at it?
- Can't say as I have.
Copy !req
1195. Well, there's an obelisk there
to the glory of the Royal Marines,
Copy !req
1196. and it's a plaque depicting a Marine
shoving his bayonet into a Chinaman's guts.
Copy !req
1197. He's so shocked, his pigtail's
sticking up like an exclamation mark.
Copy !req
1198. And underneath it says,
"Shanghai Campaign, 1898."
Copy !req
1199. Imagine seeing that in Peking.
A plaque of a Chinaman
Copy !req
1200. pumping his bayonet into
an Englishman halfway up Regent Street,
Copy !req
1201. a bowler hat, levitating in shock,
Copy !req
1202. and underneath,
"West London Campaign, 1898."
Copy !req
1203. Why don't you shut your trap,
you cynical old anus?
Copy !req
1204. A joke. Just a joke.
Copy !req
1205. Don't think the bandages might be
a bit on the tight side, Bagley?
Copy !req
1206. No. Perfect, thank you.
Copy !req
1207. Julia! Julia!
Copy !req
1208. Are you all right, darling?
Copy !req
1209. Marvellous.
Copy !req
1210. Would you excuse me for a moment?
Copy !req
1211. I tell you,
he's absolutely barking.
Copy !req
1212. Criminal. You filthy criminal!
Copy !req
1213. Shut up, you little moron!
I'd like to wring your bastard neck!
Copy !req
1214. Do it, then. Do it.
Put me out of my misery.
Copy !req
1215. Oh, no, not yet,
you unwholesome pustule.
Copy !req
1216. I want you to live just a bit longer.
Copy !req
1217. I want you around tonight
when the shagging begins.
Copy !req
1218. Tasty bit of glue, is it?
Copy !req
1219. Here, have another suck.
Copy !req
1220. Let's hear you squawk now.
Copy !req
1221. Not now, darling.
Copy !req
1222. Go on. It's his anniversary.
Copy !req
1223. - Have you got a cold?
- Not my drug.
Copy !req
1224. I know that smell. Givenchy.
Copy !req
1225. Oh! You don't have to hold me
quite so tightly, Dennis.
Copy !req
1226. Sorry. Afraid the clinch
is the only dance I know.
Copy !req
1227. Heh.
Copy !req
1228. Oh, Julia. Julia, darling.
Copy !req
1229. No. Monica.
Copy !req
1230. I know.
Copy !req
1231. Julia.
Please don't scream or pull away.
Copy !req
1232. We might never
get this chance again.
Copy !req
1233. It's difficult for me to talk,
because my sinuses are full of glue.
Copy !req
1234. You're not wearing a bra.
Copy !req
1235. Not really.
Copy !req
1236. I love you.
I love you desperately.
Copy !req
1237. This isn't a dream. It's reality.
Copy !req
1238. Don't speak. Just listen. I'm desperate.
Copy !req
1239. You're going to need a condom,
and quick!
Copy !req
1240. The fucking's going to start
in about an hour,
Copy !req
1241. and believe me, you're going
to have a monster on top of you.
Copy !req
1242. Aaaaaah!
Copy !req
1243. Stay away from me! Keep away!
Copy !req
1244. Has the bastard been whispering to you?
Bastard! Bastard!
Copy !req
1245. - It's all right.
- Bastard!
Copy !req
1246. Oh!
Copy !req
1247. Everything's under control.
Please stay and enjoy the party.
Copy !req
1248. - Sorry.
- Monica?
Copy !req
1249. I'm sorry, Julia, but I think
your husband's completely bananas!
Copy !req
1250. Going along with someone is not the same
as listening to a tirade of obscenity!
Copy !req
1251. - What did he say?
- I can't tell you.
Copy !req
1252. - I'm sorry, Julia.
- Bye, darling.
Copy !req
1253. - Lovely party.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
1254. - Richard, your case.
- Oh, no, it's not mine.
Copy !req
1255. It belongs to Bagley.
He left it at the studio.
Copy !req
1256. Boil?
Copy !req
1257. Boil!
Copy !req
1258. Boil.
Copy !req
1259. Boil!
Copy !req
1260. Can you hear me, boil?
Copy !req
1261. Where has he hidden the briefcase?
Copy !req
1262. The world is in danger, Julia.
Copy !req
1263. The greed is out of control.
Copy !req
1264. Greed is abolishing the future.
Copy !req
1265. It's turning truth
inside out and upside down.
Copy !req
1266. And this is its poisonous mouthpiece.
Copy !req
1267. Oh, Christ, I think I've woken him up.
I'll have to be quick.
Copy !req
1268. What I have to explain
is the mechanics of a holocaust.
Copy !req
1269. And I'm not talking
about atom bombs, darling.
Copy !req
1270. I'm talking about hamburgers.
Copy !req
1271. I had a nasty feeling
I was going to have to wake up to this.
Copy !req
1272. If I was you, Julia, I'd turn this off.
Copy !req
1273. - It's only going to upset you.
- You see what a nightmare I'm in.
Copy !req
1274. You see why I can't talk to you.
Copy !req
1275. - Who are you talking to, then?
- God, it converses!
Copy !req
1276. - I'm talking to it.
- I need a cigarette.
Copy !req
1277. - Be silent, you Moloch.
- Moloch?
Copy !req
1278. Yes, yes, you, you Moloch, you bogey!
Copy !req
1279. If you insist we have to listen to this bullshit,
I need a cigarette.
Copy !req
1280. All right, I'll get you one,
but on one condition.
Copy !req
1281. That you keep quiet
while you're smoking it.
Copy !req
1282. Don't turn off, darling.
60 seconds, and I'll be back.
Copy !req
1283. Penny said you had a bad dream.
Copy !req
1284. Did she? Well, she shouldn't have.
Copy !req
1285. She said the boil had spoken to you.
Copy !req
1286. It didn't. Believe me, it didn't.
Copy !req
1287. - It told me where you'd hidden the case.
- It didn't.
Copy !req
1288. I told you where I'd put the briefcase.
Copy !req
1289. I didn't dare wake up and ask
Copy !req
1290. why you decided to vacuum clean me
in the middle of the night.
Copy !req
1291. I told you where I'd put the case
Copy !req
1292. because I'm all too aware of the tension
you've been trying to conceal.
Copy !req
1293. And, painful though it is for me,
Copy !req
1294. I thought by letting you
discover the film for yourself,
Copy !req
1295. it would have some sort
of therapeutic effect.
Copy !req
1296. There'd be no more secrets,
nothing left to hide.
Copy !req
1297. I realise, of course, that was foolish.
Copy !req
1298. If the boil didn't speak to me,
how did I know the combination?
Copy !req
1299. Because it's written up in the kitchen.
Copy !req
1300. It's been on the bulletin board for weeks.
Copy !req
1301. You must have seen it 200 times.
Copy !req
1302. I never noticed noticing it.
Copy !req
1303. It's on a red and white receipt.
I'll go and get it, if you like.
Copy !req
1304. I realise I've been very selfish.
Copy !req
1305. So busy thinking
of the stress I was under,
Copy !req
1306. I'd completely forgotten
what a terrible time it's been for you.
Copy !req
1307. I really don't want you
to watch this, darling.
Copy !req
1308. I intended to burn it.
It's only going to upset you.
Copy !req
1309. I'm already upset.
Copy !req
1310. Please be quiet.
Copy !req
1311. Are you there? I pray you're there.
Copy !req
1312. I've just seen you in the kitchen.
I know you think I'm crazy,
Copy !req
1313. but in a minute, I'll show you my film
Copy !req
1314. and you can judge
my madness for yourself.
Copy !req
1315. Everything's assembled from my old ads.
Copy !req
1316. All I've done is re-edit them,
re-voice them and put in the truth.
Copy !req
1317. No truth ever gets out of here.
Copy !req
1318. They've got this bastard by the balls.
Copy !req
1319. Greed has installed its lackeys
into the highest offices in this land,
Copy !req
1320. and they're conducting
a crime wave of unprecedented ferocity.
Copy !req
1321. Anywhere you want to look, they're at it.
Copy !req
1322. Oil companies sold
as champions of the environment.
Copy !req
1323. Wild animals prancing
through the woodlands.
Copy !req
1324. Meanwhile, the filth from their cars
is wiping out half the forests of Europe.
Copy !req
1325. - I can't listen to any more of this.
- You swore you'd be quiet!
Copy !req
1326. Yeah, but I'd forgotten
what a nightmare you are.
Copy !req
1327. I want to be heard. I want to be heard!
Copy !req
1328. - I want a drink.
- Then get it yourself.
Copy !req
1329. Jesus, I've forgotten
what I was going to say.
Copy !req
1330. I believe you were about to explain
Copy !req
1331. why hamburgers are going
to be the cause of World War III.
Copy !req
1332. That's right, you cynical bastard.
Copy !req
1333. - We're all ears.
- How can you argue with the television?
Copy !req
1334. Because this poor, sick creature
with a box on his head was me.
Copy !req
1335. I know exactly what I'm going to say.
Copy !req
1336. Destruction of the rainforests
by, amongst other things, hamburgers,
Copy !req
1337. is going to lead to a world commodity crisis,
and the commodity will be oxygen.
Copy !req
1338. - What mad bollocks.
- It is not mad bollocks.
Copy !req
1339. They're turning rainforests into deserts.
Copy !req
1340. Within 25 years, the Brazilians
will be fixing oxygen prices
Copy !req
1341. in exactly the same way
as the Arabs fix the price for oil.
Copy !req
1342. - No more!
- You want the air, you pay for it.
Copy !req
1343. - No more!
- Leave it on, Dennis!
Copy !req
1344. I want to watch the film!
Copy !req
1345. I don't know how you can say that.
Copy !req
1346. You know what this does to me,
reliving this nightmare?
Copy !req
1347. Look at him. He's got a cigarette stuck
in his bandages. The man's mad.
Copy !req
1348. Why do you keep
calling him him? It's you!
Copy !req
1349. All right, me.
It was me. But I was ill.
Copy !req
1350. You were the one that said so.
You can't have it both ways, darling.
Copy !req
1351. You said I needed help, and I got help,
and now I'm better,
Copy !req
1352. which is why I can't bear
to watch this dreadful insanity.
Copy !req
1353. Insanity? You still want to sell 'em boils!
Copy !req
1354. Nothing crazy about that.
It's a free market.
Copy !req
1355. People will either buy or they won't buy.
Copy !req
1356. Nobody's forcing them.
Everyone knows what they're getting.
Copy !req
1357. - Perhaps they don't.
- Of course they do.
Copy !req
1358. People might be a bit greedy
from time to time,
Copy !req
1359. but we're not blind,
we've got our eyes open.
Copy !req
1360. - We have a choice.
- Perhaps.
Copy !req
1361. Stop saying perhaps!
What's perhaps got to do with it?
Copy !req
1362. Perhaps they don't.
Copy !req
1363. Perhaps if they'd hanged Jesus Christ,
Copy !req
1364. we'd all be kneeling
in front of a fucking gibbet!
Copy !req
1365. That isn't the real world.
Copy !req
1366. In the real world, I have a choice.
Copy !req
1367. Do I want it, or don't I?
Copy !req
1368. And in this case,
I most certainly do not.
Copy !req
1369. "I thought leaving you
was going to be so difficult.
Copy !req
1370. "But the impossible becomes easy
when you have no choice.
Copy !req
1371. "I want something better now
that can't be bought.
Copy !req
1372. "I want a better world
than yours is, Dennis.
Copy !req
1373. "I'm not gonna try and explain it,
Copy !req
1374. "because I know you couldn't
possibly understand.
Copy !req
1375. "Goodbye. Julia."
Copy !req
1376. God, how can you be so naive?
Copy !req
1377. Everything you've ever
looked at was yours.
Copy !req
1378. What more could you possibly want?
Copy !req
1379. - The truth.
- Shut up, you dozy scab!
Copy !req
1380. I thought you were dead.
Copy !req
1381. Not for nothing, cos she's free.
Copy !req
1382. You lose. You lose.
Copy !req
1383. Oh, no I don't.
Copy !req
1384. You're talking
to Dennis Dimbleby Bagley.
Copy !req
1385. And let me tell you something, boil.
Copy !req
1386. She's got nowhere to go.
Copy !req
1387. We're living in a shop.
Copy !req
1388. The world is one magnificent
fucking shop,
Copy !req
1389. and if it hasn't got a price tag,
it isn't worth having.
Copy !req
1390. There is no greater freedom
than freedom of choice,
Copy !req
1391. and that's the difference
between you and me, boil.
Copy !req
1392. I was brought up to believe in that,
and so should you, but you don't.
Copy !req
1393. You don't want freedom, do you?
You don't even want roads.
Copy !req
1394. God, I never want to go on
another train as long as I live.
Copy !req
1395. Roads represent
a fundamental right of man
Copy !req
1396. to have access
to the good things in life.
Copy !req
1397. Without roads, established family favourites
would become elitist delicacies.
Copy !req
1398. A pot of soup would be for the few.
Copy !req
1399. There'd be no more tea bags,
no instant potatoes, no long-life cream.
Copy !req
1400. There'd be no aerosols.
Detergents would vanish.
Copy !req
1401. So would tinned spaghetti
and baked beans with six frankfurters.
Copy !req
1402. The right to smoke one's
chosen brand would be denied.
Copy !req
1403. Chewing gum would probably disappear.
So would pork pies.
Copy !req
1404. Foot deodorisers would climax
without hope of replacement.
Copy !req
1405. When the hydrolysed protein and
monosodium glutamate reserves ran out,
Copy !req
1406. food would rot in its packets.
Copy !req
1407. Jesus Christ,
there wouldn't be any more packets.
Copy !req
1408. Packaging would vanish
from the face of the earth.
Copy !req
1409. But worst of all,
there'd be no more cars.
Copy !req
1410. And more than anything,
people love their cars.
Copy !req
1411. They have a right to them.
If they have to sweat all day
Copy !req
1412. in some stinking factory making
disposable lighters or Christmas trees,
Copy !req
1413. by Christ, they're entitled to them.
Copy !req
1414. They're entitled to
any innovation technology brings,
Copy !req
1415. whether it's ten per cent more of it
or 15 per cent off of it!
Copy !req
1416. They're entitled to it.
Copy !req
1417. They're entitled to one
of four important new ingredients.
Copy !req
1418. Why should anyone have to clean their
teeth without important new ingredients?
Copy !req
1419. Why the hell shouldn't they
have their CZT?
Copy !req
1420. How dare some snotty Marxist carbuncle
presume to deny them it?
Copy !req
1421. They love their CZT!
Copy !req
1422. They want it! They need it!
They positively adore it!
Copy !req
1423. By Christ, while I've got air
in my body, they're going to get it!
Copy !req
1424. They're gonna get it bigger
and brighter and better!
Copy !req
1425. I'll put CZT in their
margarine if necessary,
Copy !req
1426. shove vitamins in their toilet rolls.
Copy !req
1427. If happiness means the whole world
Copy !req
1428. standing on a double layer
of foot deodorisers,
Copy !req
1429. I, Bagley, will see that they get them!
Copy !req
1430. I'll give them anything
and everything they want!
Copy !req
1431. By God, I will!
Copy !req
1432. I shall not cease
Copy !req
1433. till Jerusalem is builded here
Copy !req
1434. on England's green and pleasant land!
Copy !req