How I Won the War (1967)

1. Third troop, Fourth Musketeers.

2. Come on, come on, come on!

3. Move yourselves.

4. Third troop, Fourth Musketeers.

5. Come on, come on.

6. Come on. Third troop, Fourth Musketeers.

7. Inflating parties, forward.

8. Embark!

9. Follow me!

10. Paddles out!

11. Prepare to paddle.

12. Paddle!

13. Where…?

14. Yes, during the war, I was a Musketeer myself.

15. We had one young John Thomas ostensibly commanding.

16. More myself was the backbone, of course.

17. Of a dark night, many of our officers…

18. By some of their own men.

19. Oh, you had to.

20. Oh, yes, I will in a moment, squire.

21. Yeah, that's right, you was there.

22. After breakfasting in Paddington, we was transferred

23. to the Second Army for Rhine and other rivers as was to turn out in an infantry role.

24. Though many of us could swim only loosely if at all.

25. - It was a complete cock-up to my mind. - 144, 177 Musketeer braziers.

26. - I… - Eh?

27. No, no!

28. How I Won the War!

29. The Memoirs of Lieutenant Ernest Goodbody.

30. "Auf Wiedersehen Sweetheart" by Vera Lynn

31. Ah!

32. I'll tell you nothing but my name, rank and number.

33. My number is 131313.

34. Lieutenant of Musket, Ernest Goodbody.

35. It all started in 1939.

36. I suppose it did for you too.

37. But then, first things first.

38. War is without doubt the noblest of games.

39. Finer I think, Corporal of Musket.

40. Corporal of Musket Transom. My troop sergeant, and a good all-rounder.

41. Yes, steady there.

42. You, Juniper, you're perfect where you are.

43. Very square.

44. Musketeer Juniper, a joy to have on any team

45. and one of the original B.E.F.s.

46. What they really thought of me, I shall never know.

47. I thought he was bleeding rubbish, myself.

48. I thought he was a bleeding tart, actually.

49. Uh, can I have you right out there in the country, Gripweed?

50. Uh, Musketeer Gripweed

51. without whose help, these memoirs would never have been written.

52. My faithful batman.

53. May I rub your balls, sir? It gives me great pleasure.

54. I, me, musketeer Drogue,

55. I die in North Africa.

56. Please.

57. I rallied to the flag in October 1939

58. and was immediately selected as officer potential.

59. Every word of this film

60. is written in pencil

61. in my own handwriting.

62. I owe my introduction to the art of war

63. to my instructors of number 212 OCTU

64. and in particular 1431 Lieutenant Colonel Grapple

65. later to be known as "Grapple of the Bedoo"

66. who impressed me no end.

67. I took care to talk as far back in the mouth as possible,

68. being a grammar school lad,

69. which made no difference.

70. I've always been treated by the army as top-drawer despite…

71. A-ha-ha, yah…

72. - Yah… - What did you say?

73. Ah, ha-ha, ah-ha.

74. Sir.

75. Never underrate the wily Pathan.

76. What we're going onto now is the wily Pathan

77. followed by the use of and the handling of anti-gas carpet.

78. - Yah, yah. - The Pathan lives in India.

79. India is a hot, strange country.

80. It's full of wily Pathans and they're up to wily things.

81. Which is why I always wear spurs.

82. Even in cold weather.

83. My advice to you…

84. is always to keep your rifles strapped to a suitable portion of your body.

85. A leg is good.

86. Otherwise you'll find the wily Pathan will strip himself mother naked

87. grease himself all over, slippery as an eel

88. make off with your rifle, which is a crime.

89. Any questions so far?

90. Or can we take gas?

91. Sir, has the Pathan gone over to Hitler, sir?

92. - Grammar school boy? - Sir?

93. No, he has not.

94. Too wily for that, the wily Pathan, you'll find.

95. Then, shall we be fighting him in this war, sir?

96. Of course we will, boy, the British Army's always fought the wily Pathan.

97. Stripped mother naked under the tent, brailing like a snake, he is.

98. - Why? - Why what? Why what?

99. We want to get onto gas.

100. May save your life one day, gas.

101. Uh, why has the British Army always fought the wily Pathan, sir?

102. Because he's just like you are,

103. a damn wily troublemaker. What's your name and form?

104. Well, how did you get into an OCTU, not knowing your history?

105. God help your men.

106. They'll be torn apart by the wily Pathan.

107. See you dug out. Stand by your dug out.

108. Stand to! Dig in!

109. That's the way to beat the Hun, dig in and break through with sword and lance.

110. I think.

111. Do your best, eh?

112. Well, that's good, uh…

113. Body, sir.

114. - This is. - Oh, it's very good, Body.

115. It is rather wet inside, sir.

116. I know it is. I know.

117. Smell…

118. Ah, that smell. Light the little candle, huh?

119. Sir.

120. This is where the war will be fought.

121. War of movement, my bum.

122. Ha!

123. Sit down, Body.

124. Thank you, sir.

125. You're going to be an officer, young Body.

126. I wonder if you know what that means?

127. I think so, sir.

128. What does it mean, Body?

129. It means my mother will be pleased, sir.

130. I worry about your men, Body.

131. That's what being an officer means, you see.

132. You know, I think you know

133. how England is fixed at the moment.

134. Oh, it's not a question of money, sir, I'll serve for nothing.

135. Tell me about yourself.

136. What I hope I'm saying about England is…

137. We have no submachine guns, no… rimless cartridges.

138. No percussion grenades, no field artillery, no tanks much.

139. No anti-tanks ever…

140. No dive bombers, no bombs, and we invented shrapnel.

141. I knew him well, his son.

142. I can't, I fear…

143. I can't march properly on my own, as an officer

144. in the public eye.

145. Isn't that sickening when that happens to a chap?

146. Couldn't your drill instructor do something about it?

147. Like a quick jab up the crotch with a broom bass.

148. They're coming.

149. "They're Coming" by EC Grapple

150. MC, VD.

151. And scar.

152. They're coming.

153. They're coming from the shires.

154. They're coming from the byres.

155. They're coming from the cities and the towns.

156. They're coming from the factories.

157. They're coming from the farms.

158. They're coming from the workshops…

159. You married?

160. No, I play the harmonica.

161. I'm coming after you civil reservists

162. to see if you can remember about rifles and bagnets and dubbing

163. and thumbs down the seams of your slacks.

164. Into your pink civvy thoughts with my big black boots

165. bearing a big, black, knobbly stick.

166. - So take a hold of yourselves! - Still.

167. - Stand still. - Front!

168. - Face your front! - I am.

169. Squad shun!

170. Down them rifles!

171. - Rifles? - Hands.

172. - Splinter. - Slope!

173. - Hup! - Hup!

174. Two, three, across. Two, three…

175. - Hands! - Down! Two, three…

176. - Throw the rifles! - Still!

177. - Will advance. - Your front, Clapper.

178. - Splinter. - By the right.

179. Quick march.

180. Left, right, left, right, left, right, left.

181. …dressed in overalls, they're coming dressed in tweed.

182. - Retire! - Retire!

183. - Coming with umbrellas… - About!

184. - Coming bringing gifts… - Turn!

185. With skill and guts and fortitude…

186. - Of brain and brawn and… - Stand still!

187. Those two men!

188. Halt!

189. Speak to me like that? Please, I'm a married man.

190. Right turn!

191. By the right!

192. Quick march!

193. - What's this? - What's this?

194. - Halt! - Halt! Stand still!

195. - Never! - Never, ever

196. have I seen such a sight.

197. Am I hurting you?

198. - Who? - No.

199. I should be!

200. I'm standing on your hair!

201. Who said that?

202. - Is this North Africa? - Catterick.

203. Marching like idiots.

204. - Never… - In all me life!

205. It really is only a question

206. of getting the right leg to respond to the prompting of my brain.

207. Move to the right in threes.

208. - Right! - Wait for it!

209. Where are you going? Still!

210. It's no good to me.

211. In me finger, there's a splinter.

212. Right, in threes!

213. Right turn!

214. Would you go sick?

215. I want to fight.

216. That's the spirit.

217. Who's the one in the flat hat?

218. - Baden Powell. - Oh.

219. Fall in, you.

220. On the command "move", move.

221. Move!

222. Don't look at him, look at me.

223. You look at him, I'll give you to him.

224. You can be put into his hands, you know.

225. You can spend the rest of your life with such as him.

226. Fortitude, brain, brawn and guile…

227. They're coming dressed in overalls.

228. They're coming dressed in tweed.

229. To the front!

230. - Salute! As you were. - Splinter.

231. - Hit them rifles. - You won't break 'em.

232. To the front!

233. Salute!

234. Of skill and guts and fortitude…

235. Of brain and brawn and guile.

236. And what is more…

237. They're yours, young man.

238. See you do well by them.

239. I'll never forget the moment

240. I was appointed to my first command.

241. No.

242. - Oh, sh… - Him.

243. Squad!

244. Squad shun!

245. We're all gonna die.

246. I'm gonna die in North Africa.

247. - I told you so. - Come now.

248. Be fair, not all of us, Corporal of Musket.

249. There will be survivors.

250. Many of us, even, will survive training.

251. It's personal, sir.

252. Can I speak to you for a moment on a personal matter?

253. Personal?

254. Keep your rear down.

255. It's her, sir.

256. She's getting stuffed the jacksy off her by the man from the Pru.

257. Jacksy?

258. Right. That is posterior, that is.

259. Yes, what transpires is, he gets his hoggins every Monday

260. regular as dick, along with the 18 pence funeral policy.

261. Hoggins?

262. Is it… is it right, sir?

263. Is he intimate?

264. Oh, well, he's no friend of mine, sir.

265. I ask you, sir, in all conscience

266. is it right that a serviceman should be forced to carnal knowledge

267. dropping them for the insurance?

268. No, no, decidedly not.

269. Well, I'll do anything you advise, sir.

270. Well, Clapper, is your good lady wife a willing partner to this hoggins?

271. No, sir. Never, sir.

272. It's this damn war, got her excited.

273. And him, oh, he's suave.

274. - Ooh, no, mind my silk stockings! - No, no, no, come on.

275. - Look out! Here! - Come on, no, no.

276. You've brought your child's gas mask.

277. Oh, no. Not in front of your child's gas mask!

278. Well, Clapper…

279. Lapse the policy.

280. It's yours, isn't it?

281. Good, well, lapse it.

282. You don't need a funeral policy in the army!

283. Least of your worries, you get the last post.

284. Lapse?

285. My word!

286. Then the insurance will not call of a Monday for his hoggins.

287. My life.

288. What you've saved is my life and my honeypot, you've indeed.

289. Do you mind if I…

290. gives a little jump of admiration, here and now, sir?

291. Dirty bleeder!

292. He'll have to entertain going dirty bleeder somewhere else

293. for to obtain satisfaction, will he not, sir?

294. Hold on, I'll rescue you, Clapper.

295. We didn't all die.

296. I often didn't feel well.

297. But I put a brave face on it and we were soon sent overseas to Egypt,

298. it seemed at the time,

299. where I volunteered myself.

300. Didn't we all?

301. What the bloody hell are you doing here?

302. I'm here, sir.

303. At your convenience.

304. Ernest.

305. I know the names of all my men, sir.

306. Come over here.

307. Your eyes are bright.

308. My knees are brown, sir.

309. That's nice, I've got brown knees.

310. You'd like to get away from here, Ernest, wouldn't you? See some action?

311. Oh, my sole ambition, sir.

312. I know, I know, Ernest.

313. Ernest, I want you…

314. to take your troop of musketeers and go and do this job for me.

315. And if you do it well, I promise

316. you need never hang around on street corners ever again.

317. You can go away from here and do stirring things. Would you like that?

318. Oh, sir!

319. Sir, I'd give my right arm and leg.

320. It's not you, sir.

321. It's not you. I'm not bored with you.

322. I love you.

323. In a strict metaphorical way of speaking, as it were.

324. I'd give…

325. I'd give them my arm and leg.

326. Damn sporting of you, sir.

327. The lads will be chuffed.

328. I gulped.

329. I used to gulp like a damn fish every time a general touched me.

330. One time when I was a subaltern…

331. nice eyes.

332. We are exchanging bubblegum cards.

333. We are staff officers.

334. - Have you got Dunkirk? - Toby's got Dunkirk.

335. There's a lot of Dunkirk about. Ghastly colours.

336. I do a bit of Sunday painting myself.

337. I want "school bombing".

338. We know what you want, Toby.

339. I want "school bombing", I do.

340. Not much doubt about morale here, eh, Ernest?

341. But funny things happen when the killing starts.

342. Some of them don't like it.

343. And that's where you come in, I want you to set up for me

344. an advanced area cricket pitch.

345. Do you think you can do that? Can you read a map?

346. Get a map, there's a good fellow, will you? 239451 or thereabouts,

347. near an oasis.

348. Get a few blades of grass going if you can, doesn't matter if you can't.

349. I want it first class

350. and I want it in September.

351. That means you have three days from the time you land behind enemy lines.

352. It's got to be a good pitch because a very important bod is gonna see it.

353. How much is she? Does she take Bully Beef?

354. - Is there only one bint? - How many do you need?

355. He's gonna come up out of the, uh…

356. torment of the noblest of games

357. and hear the sharp click of leather on willow.

358. Ah, with his weary soldier boys.

359. That'll show 'em, bring their tails up, eh?

360. Show this very important bod

361. just how high a British soldier can get his tail.

362. Yes, I want it first class, and I want it in three days.

363. That doesn't give you much time, does it?

364. I want you to go all out. Will you go all out for me?

365. Just remember my standing orders.

366. Usual thing. Let no man surrender if he is wounded and can fight.

367. Need I say more?

368. No, sir.

369. And… thank you, sir, for your faith.

370. I'll do what I can to tire her out, sir, so as these young soldiers don't get hurt.

371. Hey, hey, hey! Hah…

372. It's a dangerous job,

373. and it's an important job.

374. The next three days are not going to be a picnic.

375. I want you to come to me

376. not only as a troop leader, and it is a good troop,

377. but also as a friend,

378. should you have any doubts, problems,

379. do not hesitate to come to me.

380. I want you to feel you can come to me for help

381. as you would your own father.

382. Hello, Dad.

383. Mum's been looking all over the shop for you.

384. Back! Mines!

385. Reverse engines.

386. Hard astern!

387. To me, sir! Troop!

388. Good job I saw that.

389. Good job, eh? Good job.

390. Very heavily mined you'll find, I'm sure.

391. Yeah, we're best out of here, best out of here.

392. To me!

393. Rally to me, Third Troop!

394. If it is humanly possible.

395. I shouldn't be left on my own.

396. I can't win a war on my own.

397. I'm rather too young.

398. I feel I'm folding up like a telescope.

399. I hold the D.S.O…

400. I do hold the D.S.O after all.

401. Commando?

402. - No. - On your feet.

403. Feldwebel! Wir haben Befehl, die Brücke in die Luft zu jagen

404. in zirka zwei Stunden muss alles erledigt sein.

405. Sie legen die ganzen Sprengladungen an

406. und Sie sind dann persönlich dafür verantwortlich.

407. - Verstanden? - Jawohl!

408. Come inside, come.

409. You are number 1331490.

410. Lieutenant Ernest Goodbody.

411. Of His Majesty's Brigade of Musketeers.

412. Educated, Wellington, Marlborough.

413. Before the war, a solicitor in the firm of Nicholas Collins and Osgood.

414. Am I right?

415. No.

416. Sir…

417. The name is right, but all the rest is wrong.

418. Oh, well. Just a guess.

419. We are not all supermen, you know.

420. Home is favourite, I think.

421. You wouldn't want us making a nuisance of ourselves out there.

422. Without an officer out there!

423. - Use your initiative. - Oh, I got none.

424. Come on, off, Pongo!

425. Bleeding matelot. Whose bloody side are you on?

426. It's a great gamble for a great stake.

427. And I pray to God it comes off.

428. - I like a game of cricket myself. - Cricket?

429. Don't you know there's a bloody war on, Jack?

430. Oh, come on, don't give me that.

431. The sea has always bred heroes.

432. At the battle of Trafalgar

433. one of the French captains had both legs blown off

434. but he had himself put in a barrel of bran.

435. And he went on directing his men to the end.

436. I'll see what I can do for you.

437. More than my job's worth.

438. Mount! Come on! Jeldi! Drivers, start up!

439. We do have some drivers, don't we?

440. Well, who drove 'em on?

441. I did.

442. Clutch in,

443. move gear, pedal down

444. clutch out. Now all together.

445. Clutch in, move gear…

446. pedal down, clutch out!

447. Very good.

448. Easy… let out your clutch, now get moving.

449. Come on, come on, give me more speed.

450. Look out! Go on!

451. Would you put that brake off?

452. Turn it… clutch…

453. Don't get too near the man in front, Trevor.

454. It's working!

455. Is this absolutely North Africa?

456. Because I'd like you to have my best boots, Corporal of Musket.

457. I don't want your best boots.

458. Gear in! Accelerator down!

459. Best boots!

460. Ah, they're good lads.

461. - Follow you anywhere. - Eh?

462. Can't have that.

463. Hark at 'em gazing on me with their trusting little dressed-up eyes.

464. - Sir! - Shufti!

465. Sir, me feet's wet, sir!

466. Sir, me feet's wet!

467. That's disgusting… eugh, manky.

468. - They're yours. You gave them toys. - Yours.

469. I haven't been able to command respect since before the war.

470. Right, stop!

471. Stop!

472. Stop!

473. Then they're Mr Goodbody's, aren't they? Whom we seem to have mislaid.

474. We're gonna do our best to find him 400 miles behind the lines.

475. Cos I'm gonna shoot the careless bleeder dropping me in it!

476. Out, Gripweed!

477. Handbrake on!

478. Come here! Come here!

479. There's your feet, Gripweed, wet?

480. - No. - You've been giving me lies.

481. Mr Goodbody will want to see to your feet.

482. - They're dry. - Then you'd best get them wet again,

483. hadn't you? Go on, move!

484. - At the double! - At the double!

485. Anybody else?

486. Right, left, right, left, right, left…

487. I'll teach you not to try to put the blame on me.

488. That's a nasty moment.

489. Right, all together now!

490. Mr Goodbody, sir!

491. Mr Goodbody, sir!

492. Mr Goodbody!

493. Mr Goodbody, sir!

494. Peter Nan Oboe…

495. Peter Nan Oboe…

496. Peter Nan Oboe…

497. Peter Nan Oboe…

498. Peter Nan Oboe…

499. Here, netting call.

500. Net now.

501. Seen any Musketeers swanning about, trooper?

502. - Mm, no. - Come here!

503. Peter Nan Oboe…

504. Come here!

505. Hello, all stations. Report my signal.

506. Peter Nan Oboe…

507. Peter Nan Oboe…

508. - Fourth Muskets, aren't you? - Sir!

509. Been expecting you. Well, I'm your link to Army.

510. Blue, white and two reds.

511. I'm green, green, green, sir.

512. I know you are.

513. Well, try and keep out of my way till the pitch is ready for play.

514. Peter Nan Oboe…

515. Hello, all stations.

516. - Report my signal. - Where are they?

517. - Peter Nan Oboe… - Who, sir?

518. The Bedoo. Hah, my wily Arabs.

519. I've lost contact with my men too, sir.

520. Oh, brew, sir?

521. Treating 'em right? No!

522. - They think the world of me, sir. - They should be up here with you then.

523. - Netting call ends… - No brew.

524. Bum on, bum on! On to Tripoli.

525. Ah, uh…

526. - Come on, come on! - I was wondering, sir… a lift?

527. Sir… I…

528. Bum on, bum on!

529. Oh, it's gonna hurt, Flo

530. Damn!

531. Damn!

532. - Get me another vehicle. - Sir.

533. - Damn. Damn! Come on, come on. - Uh…

534. - Ah… I'll take one of yours.

535. Come on, come on, come on, come on!

536. - Come on, come on. - Where've you been?

537. Coming!

538. Get out.

539. Come on, come on!

540. Get out!

541. Looking after their feet, are you, boy?

542. - Sir. - Seeing they get plenty of tea?

543. Curious thing, that…

544. Give the British soldier plenty of tea, his char,

545. and there you are, he'll die for you.

546. Of course, I'm a poet, I expect things. I love the desert.

547. You took me for an ignorant old fire-eater, I know. Not!

548. I'm sleeping with the desert.

549. Not unusual.

550. Pat a heaving white rump anywhere in the desert and you'll startle

551. a copulating Englishman - the Englishman loves the desert.

552. Do you?

553. Uh… I'm trying, sir.

554. Uh, I'll play the piano.

555. Yeah, not boasting, just a fact, that's all, working class.

556. Well, I think you should.

557. Look after their feet, boy.

558. They can't be trusted with their feet.

559. Feet and plenty of brew-ups and you'll find you can do anything with him.

560. Keep a tight reign on his habits,

561. which are those of a pig mostly.

562. But even a pig has his moment.

563. Carries the blue ribbon, so don't despise your men, Lieutenant.

564. They've given me a good life, so don't despise them. Here.

565. Share these out amongst them.

566. Remember me, young fella.

567. Grapple of the Bedoo.

568. I won't bloody remember you.

569. He used to be a fascist, sir.

570. Well, it takes all sorts.

571. Fascism is something that you grow out of.

572. I tried to change the world, myself.

573. Doesn't do. I wouldn't think anything of you

574. if you hadn't been a fascist at sometime or other.

575. Keep 'em at it so they don't have time for dirty things.

576. Bum on, young fella. Finger out! You've only got three more days.

577. No time for poetry.

578. There goes a very gallant gentleman.

579. Oh, I know, sir. Like you, sir.

580. Thank you, sir, for not holding fascism against me.

581. Mount!

582. I was a great mate of Moseley's.

583. Used to hold his voice for him while he lost his meetings.

584. Hey, hey!

585. I'd just like to say a few words.

586. Move now!

587. I want to say…

588. how pleased I am…

589. How pleased I was when I heard

590. that I was gonna lead you on this dangerous and important task.

591. I've always thought that when the time came

592. we'd all get on splendidly together

593. bravery, things like that…

594. Ow!

595. When I was told I was to be your troop leader,

596. I had a little weep and a laugh.

597. I do know we're all going to get on splendidly together.

598. You play…

599. Ball with me and I'll play ball with you.

600. You do your bit and I'll do mine.

601. We're all members of the same team.

602. Each playing our part in the fight for freedom and democracy.

603. Let us together…

604. work hard, train hard

605. play hard and kill hard!

606. Don't take it too hard.

607. Look after your lads!

608. They're no good to me or anyone else if their feet aren't up to snuff.

609. It hurts, Flo.

610. It is impossible to tell all the touching and heroic stories of courage and patience…

611. - we come across… - It hurts, Flo!

612. Oh, run 'em under the cold tap, love.

613. It is indeed a lovely sight.

614. Thank you, sir, it is my best part.

615. Corporal of Musket!

616. Can I put my shirt on now, sir, or will you be doing my feet?

617. Have you seen it?

618. It is indeed a lovely sight.

619. Corporal of Musket, look at it!

620. Uh, will you be available for stag, sir?

621. If you will be taking your turn on guard, I would suggest the first stag

622. and me on last, or "vice voce"

623. so making sure you was fresh for command on the off

624. at the most likely times, viz first and or last lights.

625. Uh, pro tem, and you can say no,

626. I'll have you down for mind being clear for the off at first light.

627. Always favourite.

628. Do you think we ought to green, green, green, Corporal of Musket?

629. Not unless you want bang, bang, bang.

630. - What in the sky, sir? - No, sir!

631. - You might as well send up the Union Jack! - White and two reds!

632. That's very like the colonel.

633. Which reminds me…

634. Uh, if you do take a stag, sir, that will mean one hour each.

635. Unless you intend to keep the wireless open.

636. Making the operator unavailable for guard.

637. Uh, that's me.

638. Wireless silence, Corporal of Musket.

639. What have we got a wireless for then?

640. We can't have wireless silence without a wireless, can we, Spool?

641. Do come in, Corporal of Musket.

642. Of course I'll take my turn in the field, goes without saying.

643. Put me down for last stag.

644. Right, sir.

645. Gripweed!

646. Sir?

647. Green, green, green.

648. Well, our officer calls me up and he says to me, he says, "Musketeer Gripweed,"

649. he was a tall chap, some would call him weedy.

650. I did.

651. He said to me, and bear in mind we are some few hundred miles behind enemy lines

652. he said, "Green, green, green." So I did.

653. Oh!

654. He, schau mal das an.

655. Was ist denn das?

656. Grün, grün, grün! Weg!

657. These were given to me by a very gallant gentleman.

658. I want to see all feet before we move.

659. I think that was a mistake, sir.

660. Why, Corporal Dooley?

661. Have they been neglecting their feet?

662. - Have you? - Get away from those vehicles!

663. - Get away! - Mount!

664. Dooley, hitch that roller up!

665. - That's a relief. - That's a relief.

666. Is this still North Africa?

667. - What? - Brew up, sir?

668. You see why those lorries burned so well?

669. And exploded, even… nay, came apart

670. as tis petrol, oil and lubricants which is very difficult to get in time of war.

671. Not for the British Army.

672. - Or doctors. - Right.

673. Ah…

674. What we're going on with now is casualties.

675. Report me casualties, I should think.

676. Ammo, water, petrol remaining.

677. One, have we got enough for to get us to the oasis? Which we will.

678. Here's a point. Two days, Corporal of Musket.

679. Two. Dip for remaining fuel, Corporal Dooley.

680. What's this?

681. That's a coward, sir.

682. We were bound to have one on strengths.

683. You can tell by the sweat and the mess he's made of his uniform.

684. Not a pretty sight, is he?

685. He's taking all his clothes off.

686. Now, stop this!

687. That!

688. Will you take my horse, sir?

689. Take no large notice, sir.

690. He is working what is known as ticket, sir.

691. Keeps the lads amused.

692. Pick those bits up, Gripweed!

693. Where's your tin hat gone, Juniper?

694. Losing by neglect, sir.

695. If I catch you without your tin hat in a battle zone again

696. I'll ram it down your throat!

697. Losing by neglect, one mess tin!

698. - One mess tin. - Did you have your name on it?

699. - Take no notice. - Scratched on.

700. - Pull these… - Scratched on?

701. - Men together! - Scored it.

702. How dare you disfigure government property!

703. Six days royal warrant, march him off, Musket Major!

704. Two men!

705. You ought to camouflage up, sir, or go.

706. Or go get the scrim up, sir, if you're stopping.

707. Us in our, er…

708. vests here, sir.

709. - Exposed to all manner of nasties. - I'm gonna explode.

710. But I won't.

711. I think the roller, don't you?

712. - Bayonnet! - Bayonnet!

713. Where's your bayonnet?

714. Must have left it sticking in the enemy, sir.

715. - Spur! - Where?

716. Where's your spur?

717. Must have left it sticking in the horse, sir.

718. Two men!

719. Now, on the end of my finger!

720. - Finger? - Finger.

721. Musketeer Juniper, where's your finger?

722. Must have left it sticking up the Kyber Pass, sir.

723. Self-inflicted injury!

724. March him off, Musket Major!

725. Troop, wait for it!

726. Two men!

727. I'm going away.

728. I'm going…

729. to walk a few paces backwards

730. and I'm going to take a bearing.

731. Out of earshot.

732. I am.

733. Right now.

734. Me…

735. And when I get back…

736. I want that man in there

737. out of there,

738. where I command from

739. with all his clothes on.

740. And I want the roller limbered up for moving.

741. With all his clothes on.

742. PDQ…

743. - That's a relief. - That's a relief.

744. That's a relief.

745. Excuse me, sir. Sorry, sir.

746. That's a relief.

747. Two men.

748. Mount!

749. It's for your own good, lad.

750. Let me out!

751. Let me out!

752. Will you put this on?

753. No, bloody let me out!

754. Ah, wish I had 20 like you, Corporal Dooley.

755. Do you think you ought to go sick?

756. Driver advance!

757. Get your cable out, Gripweed. Get this half track back.

758. Sand trays behind. Drogue…

759. Record for the regimental magazine.

760. Right, reverse!

761. Come on, come on!

762. Come on, back.

763. Back… back…

764. Back, right!

765. Come on, hitch it on.

766. Cable attached, Gripweed.

767. Right.

768. Forward!

769. Sorry, the gears look all alike.

770. Smile, please.

771. Oh!

772. Mmmh!

773. That's a relief.

774. That's a relief.

775. Well, dig the officer out!

776. Brew up, sir?

777. I think so, yes.

778. Can you read a map, Corporal of Musket?

779. This is the Via Balbia.

780. Now, there is where…

781. there…

782. we get our petrol from.

783. We take it from a German petrol dump.

784. Very good, sir.

785. That man, stand still!

786. Clapper!

787. - Me? - You're improperly dressed.

788. Best boots in for repair, sir?

789. Do your button up, lad, you're idle.

790. I'm not.

791. Entertaining the troops.

792. My wife, large girl, works in a cafe.

793. Biggest tips in the business.

794. There have been too many unwounded prisoners taken in this war.

795. - Sorry. - Don't let it happen again.

796. Cut your throats next time.

797. Talking of throats…

798. My wife… I took her to the station to see the engines shunt.

799. Christmas, lovely girl, Christmas.

800. Do you know what she had in her stocking?

801. Legs, all the way up.

802. He's mad!

803. No, he's not, sir, working his ticket. It's inevitable there should be one.

804. You…

805. when you find yourself surrounded by the enemy with virtually no hope of survival

806. you must organise yourself into a defensive locality and hold out.

807. I will.

808. By doing so, you will add enormously to the enemy's difficulties.

809. I'd like to add to the enormous enemy.

810. I've never been a bother.

811. You will also save yourself spending the rest of the war years

812. in the bag - I mean, the box.

813. Prisoner of war camp.

814. Sitting there, you'll go, hachachacha…

815. Let us go into the ring,

816. in this, our first round

817. with the light of battle in our eyes

818. and the strength of the righteous in our hearts.

819. - He's not mad! - Yes, he is, sir.

820. Keep the first three rows free for the officers.

821. - Sir, tea, sir? - My wife! Now take my wife.

822. Thank you, sir. Tea, sir, thank you.

823. You there! You, the commanding officer.

824. You look as if you're suffering from bottle fatigue.

825. Man's mad, eh?

826. No, he's not, sir, working his ticket.

827. Put him somewhere, he might cop a large one.

828. I want to fight.

829. Good lad.

830. Is that a linea belt?

831. It's very nice.

832. Yes, well…

833. put some clothes on and we'll see, eh?

834. Rargh!

835. This damn sand, when will it ever end?

836. You see, the thing about fighting a desert war is…

837. that it is a clean war

838. without brutality.

839. Clean-limbed without dishonourable actions on either side.

840. Number 18, what…

841. "Concerning the weather,

842. what wretched, filthy, glorious, disappointing weather we are having."

843. And there are no civilians in the desert.

844. Except me.

845. I'm a civilian.

846. But, uh…

847. What am I then?

848. Well, come try as I may,

849. I can't see you queuing for a number eight bus

850. jingling your fourpence.

851. That's because I'm German.

852. Pack's untern Pfeiler.

853. Alles gut.

854. - Sind Sie nun fertig? - Fertig.

855. Dankeschön.

856. I think, um…

857. - You are a civilian. - Yes, certainly I am.

858. Don't be put off by the clothes we wear.

859. We only wear these for fighting in.

860. I expect I've grown out of my Harris Tweeds by now.

861. Putting it that way, I…

862. I think we all are.

863. Yes, I think…

864. I think underneath we are all blameless.

865. - Hey, Hans! - Eh?

866. You are a civilian.

867. A civilian?

868. "Thank Christ for that," he said.

869. Laying down his rifle and going home.

870. So helping to perpetuate the dangerous myth that soldiers don't like war

871. which they do.

872. It's a strange thought to think that this will probably be

873. the last world war to be fought by civilians.

874. I find it strange.

875. It'll make a nice change to stick a bayonnet into a chap

876. rather than a rotten old sandbag.

877. You'll be alright, lad, stick to me.

878. I'm not going.

879. Let him nick his own petrol.

880. I've got a young wife.

881. Now, see, see lads.

882. There's more to it, eh?

883. There's lots of satisfaction to be had out of it.

884. Anticipation.

885. There's lots of fun and letting off steam.

886. It's not all death.

887. There's lots of fun to be had out of other things as well.

888. Now, come on, let's take a look at you.

889. Oh, hang on a minute.

890. Can't let you down with dirty nails, can we?

891. Right, who's first, get ready!

892. Alright, enough.

893. Don't say anything!

894. Don't tell them anything!

895. My wife is young!

896. If you've got to say anything, whisper it to me so they won't know.

897. And happy in their their bellies shed a tear, entertained. Say it to me.

898. I haven't got a wife yet my name is Spool and I've never done it!

899. I'll stick my bayonnet, my bloody bayonnet up the jacksy

900. of the first that talks loud of love and wives and children holding daisies.

901. I've got children, and I play the piano and I'm not fighting this war for them!

902. I wouldn't insult the stupid little bastards.

903. Now then, first one to look wonky will get my boot up his dirt box

904. if my sword isn't there prior.

905. I die now in North Africa, I've been crying all this time telling you.

906. Bear in mind, don't ask, don't threaten, don't plead, shut.

907. - Keep it shut! - I'm not a thief!

908. Now then, you're all clean for gangrene.

909. Don't loose me down.

910. If we should be stonked, get away from the vehicles.

911. I want to see you back here, clean bright and slightly spent.

912. Keep it wrapped, don't do anything I wouldn't do.

913. There's transport for them as wants it.

914. If you're picked up, name, rank and number, tell 'em you're a Grenedier Guardsman.

915. Keep you hands out of your pockets.

916. Top hats will not be worn in the Eighth Army.

917. No fish and chips in uniform!

918. Parade!

919. Parade… shun!

920. Parade ready for your inspection, sir.

921. Thank you, Corporal of Musket.

922. Musketeer Drogue, isn't it?

923. I'd like you to have my blessing, sir.

924. Oh… don't worry too much.

925. Very good turn out.

926. There have been some marvellous advances in surgery, thanks to war.

927. Well done, Musketeer Drogue.

928. - Black up! - Quack, quack!

929. You can't make me fight.

930. No, but we can put you where your decision might prove fatal.

931. Little pieces of jam, some with hair on them.

932. Right, mount!

933. I don't know your name, but I'd like you to have my camera

934. get a few good ones for the regimental magazine.

935. Orders. Information, enemy, nil.

936. Information, own troops…

937. - We are… Third Troop, the Fourth Muskets.

938. Acting in an independent role as infantry.

939. Lorried behind the enemy lines with sports equipment.

940. Intention.

941. We shall, under cover of darkness

942. occupy a position overlooking the enemy encampment.

943. We will, then, attack and destroy the enemy

944. for his petrol.

945. I spy with my little eye

946. something beginning with "G".

947. Method.

948. Corporal Dooley, with one LMG, will move forward to high ground

949. at one o'clock from my present position.

950. The rest of the troop under my command

951. will crawl to a point, figures, 100 yards in front of the objective

952. where they will wait for the LMG to get into position.

953. The signal for the LMG to open fire

954. shall be, "green, green, green".

955. The LMG shall cease firing

956. when the main attack is mounted

957. and is within, figures, 50 yards of the objective.

958. We will consolidate on the objective.

959. We shall not take prisoners.

960. If we all pull together with true British pluck and team spirit…

961. - We shall, with the help… - Shh!

962. …of the almighty god of battles, win his just victory over the forces of evil.

963. Good luck to you all. I'm a little duck, so let's get quacking into battle.

964. Come on, come on!

965. Oh, eh? Who's "the almighty god of battle"?

966. - Which? - Jesus, is it?

967. That's right, it will be - Jesus.

968. Clapper, I'd like you to have my watch.

969. Come on!

970. Forward!

971. Come on!

972. Forward!

973. Forward!

974. Follow me!

975. Get…

976. Where are you going, lad?

977. See here now, why don't you try and make the best of if?

978. Could be a lot of fun.

979. Some people have the best of their life in the army.

980. A rout!

981. - A disgraceful rout! - Get fell in.

982. Let's see your bayonets.

983. Have 'em out, have 'em out!

984. What are you laughing at, Drogue? Wipe that smile off your face, Drogue.

985. Let's see 'em.

986. At the end of your hype, Clapper, not waving about like a Hampton searching for a hand.

987. What do we wear in our caps, eh?

988. Doesn't need cleaning, does it, Juniper?

989. - Yes, sir, it does, sir. - Look at 'em all, shining bright.

990. Fancy me fighting filthy like that.

991. An old chubby duster like me.

992. Might have got gangrene from that.

993. I'll have it out with my servant, skiving bleeder.

994. Filthy!

995. Get a tube, syphon petrol from the gin palace, fill up the half track.

996. That's you out of mischief.

997. Look at 'em all shining bright! I don't want 'em shining bright, I want 'em sticky.

998. Corporal of Musket.

999. Condensed milk.

1000. About all you're good for, Clapper, sticking it in tins.

1001. Your badge represents the regiment.

1002. And the regiment represents all of us.

1003. You, me, all of us here today.

1004. A dirty badge is a disgrace.

1005. They shouldn't be clean, should they?

1006. Shining bright! Two days loss of, for having a dirty bayonet, Clapper.

1007. They shouldn't be clean!

1008. They should be sticky with the enemy's blood, shouldn't they?

1009. Eh?

1010. You've been up the sharp end, haven't you? What did you return with?

1011. - I got some pretty things. - No, no.

1012. I want to see you coming back on the high port, grinning.

1013. With blood running down your arms and dripping from your elbows.

1014. I don't care whose blood it is, you can stick it in your…

1015. stick it in your mate if you like but let's have it used!

1016. I hate waste.

1017. See!

1018. See mine!

1019. - Argh! - Ohoho!

1020. - Argh! - It represents your father,

1021. mine, his before that.

1022. It represents battles fought and won years ago.

1023. Battle fought so that we could live as we wanted to.

1024. Long before the Americans were even thought of.

1025. They didn't invent living, you know?

1026. It represents tradition, Musketeer.

1027. And I for one won't stand for a dirty tradition!

1028. Get some of the nonsense out of them, Corporal of Musket.

1029. I've tried to get you interested in the career,

1030. now you'll have to learn the hard way.

1031. Squad shun!

1032. High port!

1033. At the throat point!

1034. In, out.

1035. On guard. Shout it, shout it, Clapper!

1036. In, out, on guard.

1037. Let's hear from you!

1038. - In… - Can I see you for a moment,

1039. passionate, sir?

1040. What?

1041. It's the butcher this time, sir,

1042. with his steak and his mutton. She'll do anything for a bit of extra.

1043. Left nipple!

1044. Right groin!

1045. Left nipple, right groin.

1046. Am I to understand it is now the butcher

1047. which is carrying out intimacy at your home address?

1048. - In, out, on guard! - Is it right, sir?

1049. Whip it in!

1050. Is it right that a civilian butcher should…

1051. - Whip it out! - Cross over.

1052. - Whip it in! - While her husband is away

1053. fighting for the king?

1054. - And wipe it. - At the throat.

1055. Jab! Shout it, Clapper.

1056. At the throat!

1057. - Jab! - At the throat.

1058. - Jab. - At the throat.

1059. - Jab. - At the throat.

1060. - Kill him. - Jab!

1061. Kill the bleeder.

1062. - Jab! - At the throat, Gripweed!

1063. - How's this for openers? - Jab!

1064. Now watch closely.

1065. I am about to demonstrate the correct use of the identification triangle.

1066. Oblique, middle and near east, oblique, yellow.

1067. Each platoon, troop or tactical unit

1068. will detail one man to carry the triangle at all times.

1069. Now, watch closely, Clapper.

1070. Because in future, you will be the triangle man.

1071. But any one of you might be called upon

1072. to be conversant with the carrying and displaying of the aforementioned triangle.

1073. So watch closely.

1074. You won't get another chance.

1075. It is tied under the chin

1076. like so.

1077. On the approach of a friendly aircraft

1078. the bearer stands in a prominent position

1079. and displays the triangle…

1080. thus.

1081. Where's the roller gone?

1082. Gripweed! Have you stolen the roller?

1083. Where's that roller gone?

1084. This is the last straw.

1085. That is it!

1086. No one move from this spot until…

1087. There'll be no more leave, late night parties

1088. until that roller is returned.

1089. I get you all clean, fit, ready for fighting and what do you do?

1090. There'll be no more privileges!

1091. I'll stop this petty thieving.

1092. And Gripweed!

1093. What's more…

1094. who's had my Brylcreem?

1095. - You? - Never touched the stuff.

1096. I'm excused hair!

1097. There!

1098. Italian recreation… Eyeties!

1099. You can't put a bloody thing down.

1100. There is a code, you know.

1101. Scavengers!

1102. Sticks in my craw. I can take most things but stealing I do draw the line at.

1103. There we are, fighting a war.

1104. Perhaps the most desperate war in the history of mankind

1105. and a few wop adventurers have to go and act the giddy goat.

1106. I've seen your sort fumigated.

1107. If a wop can be fumigated.

1108. To think, they once handed out ice-cream wafers.

1109. To think you once handed out cornets on a Sunday afternoon.

1110. Is there no damned decency left in you?

1111. Have you no respect for the property of others?

1112. Play your ridiculous game, but don't expect us to take any notice of you.

1113. Grown men in shorts.

1114. I'm pretty incensed.

1115. It's one of the most shocking things to come out of the war to date

1116. and I think it's a damned shame the Italian nation

1117. has to be brought into disrepute

1118. by the lunatic actions of a few

1119. a pitiful few fascist pimps.

1120. And let that be a lesson to you!

1121. Well done!

1122. Oh, very well done!

1123. The tide is turning.

1124. Our very first real victory.

1125. The beginning of the end for the Bosch.

1126. I think the tide is turning, I do.

1127. You got him, Tranners! I do.

1128. Wasn't it one of ours?

1129. Here's one of mine.

1130. Get him gone, get him.

1131. Well, let that be a lesson to you.

1132. Shoot your own bloody officer.

1133. You can't leave a thing lying around.

1134. There's nobody to be trusted in total war.

1135. Well done, though.

1136. Our first real victory.

1137. The writing on the wall. We're coming back, Adolf!

1138. The tide is turned.

1139. Come on, Gripweed!

1140. The army didn't bring you all this way to admire the view.

1141. There's a job to be done and precious little time in which to do it.

1142. You two check for damage on the cricket equipment.

1143. Juniper, put that petrol in the half track.

1144. The rest of you empty your water bottles into the roller.

1145. We need as much weight as we can get.

1146. Come on, Clapper lad, stop daydreaming.

1147. Tell the wife to drop the butcher's mutton and become a vegetarian.

1148. That's my advice to you.

1149. I thank you, sir.

1150. Thank you, you've saved my life again, sir.

1151. Then he won't be round tempting her with his bucksheep mutton, dirty bleeder.

1152. Bloody waste of time.

1153. Soft git.

1154. I know it's a long way.

1155. I know it's not glamourous as a job, I know that others

1156. are doing jobs in this war that are more glamourous.

1157. But I had this promise.

1158. Some soldiers are going to come out of the din of battle

1159. and they're going to thank us.

1160. If we can get our very small cricket pitch

1161. by first light tomorrow morning,

1162. another 20 miles, that's all.

1163. If… if we can.

1164. They're going to look at our small patch of sanity

1165. and they're going to say, "It was worth it."

1166. They are.

1167. And then we…

1168. I have this promise.

1169. We can go and do stirring things.

1170. Bloody waste of time…

1171. I'll stop this petty thieving.

1172. Petty thieving.

1173. Do you get much thievery?

1174. Cowardice, a thing like that?

1175. No, no.

1176. Being in improper possession of a comrade's property?

1177. Can't put a thing down.

1178. No.

1179. On the whole, no thievery, no fibbing, no arguing with a superior officer.

1180. No treachery, no cowardice, not much rape.

1181. I don't countenance rape.

1182. No letting down of the boys.

1183. They'll have to put all that back.

1184. Most of us are artists.

1185. Ah, he's very good.

1186. Ah, look. They're going to blow up your geraniums.

1187. Oh, dear.

1188. That's a relief.

1189. What's so damned important about a damned cricket pitch?

1190. I said more to show that, though I was an officer,

1191. I could understand the feelings of ordinary chaps like them.

1192. But it isn't just a cricket pitch, is it?

1193. It is, I'll tell you for why.

1194. Because it's a silly, bloody, cricket, silly pitch is why.

1195. On.

1196. We'll find the bloody oasis ourselves.

1197. I'm going to be in the Second Battle of Alamein.

1198. I'm going to be in the Second Battle of Alamein.

1199. I'm excused Alamein, for me feet.

1200. But I suppose some form of national socialism is inevitable after the war.

1201. I'm going to be in the second battle of Alamein.

1202. I'm going to be in the Second Battle of Alamein.

1203. That's the ticket, eh?

1204. Yes, it is good news, isn't it?

1205. Congratulations. Good luck. Well done.

1206. I don't half envy you.

1207. What you'll be able to tell your children.

1208. Come on, kids, Dad's gonna tell us all about the Second Battle of Alamein again.

1209. This is today, and I'm still alive today.

1210. My name is Henry Bridgehouse

1211. and I'm still thinking of you all.

1212. And so are you, I fondly hopes.

1213. Alive, and all the kiddies still at home

1214. to whom I send my very best.

1215. Is that alright?

1216. Any chance of another battle? It's high time.

1217. You're a great man, a very great man, but you are a bit impatient.

1218. - I want a battle. - Ah, that is the way to lose battles.

1219. I want a battle.

1220. I'll tell you the sort of man I am.

1221. I'm patient.

1222. At the Second Battle of Alamein, I shall be patient.

1223. I shall start the battle, uh…

1224. here…

1225. and then I shall go to bed…

1226. there.

1227. That is the sort of man I am.

1228. Never fight battles when you're awake.

1229. That is the way to lose battles.

1230. Mines! Don't move!

1231. We've done it, lads!

1232. We've made it!

1233. Oh, well done, Third Troop.

1234. They're very beautiful.

1235. Well, what can be done with them in this world after the war's over?

1236. We're fighting against men inflicted with a terrible virus.

1237. Do push-ups.

1238. Clapper, on your belly.

1239. And it is a belly!

1240. I want you fit.

1241. I want 500 guns. 300 tanks, 200 aeroplanes.

1242. I'll tell you my plan.

1243. I hatched it in the lavatory.

1244. My master plans are always hatched in lavatories, as you know.

1245. Pull the bleeding chain then.

1246. - There's none in it! - Spool!

1247. No, have some pride, lad.

1248. I let it out.

1249. Who took the water?

1250. Spool, I'm talking to you, lad.

1251. I can shoot you.

1252. A hole in your head and you'll die with your silly bloody name.

1253. I let it out so the roller would be lighter.

1254. Shoot me in my big toe.

1255. I can, you know.

1256. Shoot you…

1257. and him.

1258. And you can him.

1259. Put a round up him, all it needs.

1260. Come on, come on!

1261. Running on the spot!

1262. Begin!

1263. Go on, Gripweed.

1264. I can't, Tranny.

1265. Yes, you can. It's easy.

1266. It gets easier.

1267. That's the thing about it.

1268. The thing I hate more than anything else.

1269. I'm not gonna be able to go home, you know?

1270. There's a lad I know, saved a grenade at Dunkirk.

1271. Didn't drop it in that sandbag as he came off the ferry-boat.

1272. Saved it, took it home

1273. and put it on his stomach, holding it tight between belly and thigh

1274. and went to bed with it.

1275. Pin out, relaxed, and died.

1276. Gets very easy.

1277. I can look at a man, dead. Step over him ten times a day,

1278. say on my way to the cookhouse, have done.

1279. Not curious enough for to turn him over, see his face.

1280. Front line!

1281. Down!

1282. I do blame them for that.

1283. This way, sir.

1284. - One… - I do blame them for that.

1285. I used to be put off my supper should I see a cat dead…

1286. middle of the road, or bird,

1287. leave alone a man.

1288. Though we didn't get much of that down our way.

1289. - So you can. - I won't though.

1290. Well, that's different, "won't".

1291. Ah! This beats national socialism any day, eh, Gripweed?

1292. Hey, I'm glad I won't.

1293. Don't move, sir, we're all in a mine field.

1294. It's a very simple plan.

1295. All my plans are simple plans.

1296. Look at Dieppe.

1297. That was simple.

1298. Wait until Arnhem…

1299. that's going to be simple.

1300. Right, gather your ammunition together, leave your packs by the roller.

1301. And have them whipped while we're doing our best.

1302. No, Gripweed's coming with us.

1303. I'm simple.

1304. Gather round me, can you hear me at the back there?

1305. - Hi-de-hi. - Ho-de-ho!

1306. Has he sent you any water, has he?

1307. Now, that man.

1308. That man, Corporal of Musket, stop that man making an ass of himself.

1309. We shall get all of those 500 guns and put them down

1310. and fire them at the same place to blow the daylights out of them.

1311. Hold still, Spool.

1312. Right, fill your water bottles from the roller one at a time.

1313. - Give him a drink, Corporal of Musket. - There's none in there.

1314. My God, the roller!

1315. - Get in the shade. - I let it out, thought it'd be lighter.

1316. Come on, mate.

1317. We'll get some water when we capture the oasis, lashings of water.

1318. Hold still.

1319. And then we send you chaps in with just 200 tanks

1320. all going like bats out of hell.

1321. You've seen enough now, off you go, there's good chaps.

1322. Hold his head.

1323. Just who could play a trick like that when every drop of water counts?

1324. - At the best it's rank inefficiency. - Me!

1325. Who took my man's water?

1326. I want water. How can my men fight without water?

1327. Me! I did! I let the bloody water out!

1328. - Make it lighter! - Give the lad some room, will you?

1329. Would you be so kind as to take that camera away?

1330. Now, get away, there's a good fella.

1331. Haven't you had enough?

1332. Find a battle, find a battle and film it.

1333. - Good battle it's going to be, too. - Clear this camera away, please!

1334. Haven't you insulted us enough without films?

1335. Go on, it's the best in the world, now get away.

1336. It's alright, Spool. Don't let him bite his tongue.

1337. Go on, it's all over.

1338. - Make a ring round him, lads. - No.

1339. - Let the bastards see. - No!

1340. Next of kin, think of them.

1341. That happened to a son of mine.

1342. He was left all through the war to go through.

1343. They do, don't they?

1344. - With his eardrum. - It's the noise, I expect.

1345. Still, he's not dead like some.

1346. Oh, well, you can forgive.

1347. Missing, he's not dead. They didn't get him.

1348. He'll turn up, missing he is.

1349. Colonel. Colonel, any water?

1350. Bum on, bum on, on to Tunis!

1351. - See to the roller and Spool first. - Huzza!

1352. Huzza!

1353. Be alright now, huzza!

1354. Colonel Grapple, sir. Good old Colonel Grapple.

1355. He's a character as will see us through.

1356. That's the thing about war.

1357. It's a little picnic if left to the right officers.

1358. Men who understand our little ways,

1359. treat us like human beings.

1360. What we want is more humane killers!

1361. Good old Colonel Grapple.

1362. See you on personal, when you have a moment, sir.

1363. Achtung! Achtung!

1364. My God!

1365. There's no time for that now, they must know we're here.

1366. How many rounds per man, Corporal of Musket?

1367. Three and a half, sir.

1368. Right, when you've used that up, fix bayonets and die.

1369. Charge is the joke. Fix bayonets and charge!

1370. We're all gonna die under funny names.

1371. Charge!

1372. Good luck to you all.

1373. Tally ho!

1374. And boot the Hun for six, right through to Tunis.

1375. Fire! Fire!

1376. Fire!

1377. Now, bear in mind we had him on the run, Jerry.

1378. Right.

1379. We'd stood to all night, of course.

1380. As we stool up, the bullets flew around us.

1381. Like rain it was. I well remember.

1382. And bear in mind I was platoon sergeant.

1383. It therefore was behove of me to keep morale up to snuff.

1384. So I said, more to raise a laugh,

1385. cos we wasn't tense, or below par.

1386. You really rarely are at the start line.

1387. Don't take no notice of the Yanks, they haven't lived.

1388. And they was always bombing us.

1389. No, there's rarely any tenseness at all, it's the relaxation you notices.

1390. Little kips all along the start line.

1391. Bar them as is, er…

1392. already haywire.

1393. So, erm…

1394. more to raise a laugh, I, er…

1395. Things like shoelaces, seeing as they're tight

1396. not… not crippling you, not… not causing you to trip.

1397. There!

1398. Silly ha'p'orth! Crippled you!

1399. It's very important to raise a laugh on the battlefield.

1400. You know…

1401. And very humorous some of the laughs can be.

1402. There's some very humorous books been written of course.

1403. More for a laugh, I said

1404. "We should have us gas capes on, boys, it is raining bullets."

1405. And… and that was when we lost Charles Black from a raindrop.

1406. I… I said… I said, "We should have us umbrellas and gas capes, boys.

1407. It is raining bullets and we'll get wet, boys, if we're not careful, chums," I said.

1408. Oh, more for a laugh.

1409. Well, you see?

1410. Good.

1411. Vorsichtig, vorsichtig… So…

1412. Ja. Wollen Sie trinken?

1413. Fertigmachen! Vorwärts!

1414. Kommen Sie noch.

1415. Los!

1416. Vorwärts! Los!

1417. Oh, my poor horses.

1418. Cavalry horses love the stir and the din, even the danger of battle.

1419. A British cavalryman loves his horse, he regards his horse as his friend.

1420. Those of you who have ponies,

1421. children and horses of your own at home

1422. may like to know how well we look after our steeds.

1423. Sometimes we risk being shot at

1424. to put our poor, wounded mounts out of their misery.

1425. Eight… nine…

1426. How's your leg theory, Colonel of Musket?

1427. I'd like your opinion, what do you think?

1428. - Well, sir, I've always thought… - That's a wicket likely

1429. to vent spiteful by midday, I think.

1430. Ah, light roller.

1431. Bowlers don't expect miracles of turn.

1432. As a pitch, it will teach you perseverance.

1433. Twenty-one… 22…

1434. I want a batting crease four feet from here, Gripweed.

1435. Spool! Put a stamp in here.

1436. The light should be good. Keep the water off I think.

1437. We don't want to have to contend with a sticky wicket.

1438. On a dead wicket, always bat first.

1439. Ahh, remember, Gripweed.

1440. Medals are merely milestones on the road to final victory.

1441. - Congratulations. - Thank you.

1442. Oh, thank you, sir.

1443. Aaah!

1444. Oh…!

1445. Where've you been?

1446. I've been in enemy hands, sir.

1447. I hope you told them nothing but your name, rank and number.

1448. I don't know my name, rank and number.

1449. Lad, don't try that one.

1450. I remember the number of my first rifle, don't try that one.

1451. I can smell them, you know.

1452. The ones who are not 100% for it, try that one on me!

1453. Take those nasty, Nazi clothes off and play some cricket.

1454. Teach you team spirit and you won't get captured.

1455. Not a wound on him! Show me your wound.

1456. You stink.

1457. You stink of surrender, young man, and not a decent wound on you.

1458. - I've been burned. - We've all been burned.

1459. Put your pads on, play every ball on its merit.

1460. I want to fight.

1461. That man is malingering.

1462. I've a damn shrewd idea that you are trying to work your ticket.

1463. I say, you can't do that, sir! He's a private soldier.

1464. He's a stinking coward!

1465. Ah!

1466. Hup, hup, hup, hup!

1467. I've always wanted to hit a general.

1468. Fall in, two men, he hit the general.

1469. Er, perhaps you'll open the batting from the mountain end.

1470. What's going on here? Hup, hup!

1471. That boy's only 19. Here, hold this camel.

1472. - Hit somebody your own rank, or near it. - Who are you?

1473. I'm Grapple MC, Grapple of the Bedoo.

1474. And another thing.

1475. I will not play cricket.

1476. - Come now, none of us like war. - I do.

1477. I like war.

1478. I do not like cricket.

1479. Ah!

1480. Did you have many humorous incidents?

1481. Oh, yes, we had.

1482. Tell me about yours.

1483. - They're not funny really. - Tell me, are the British cruel?

1484. Oh, yes.

1485. We know what we're doing.

1486. And we are. Thank you.

1487. Do you know what we have done to millions of people?

1488. I think you've killed them.

1489. I don't know anything about it.

1490. It was terrible.

1491. - Are you sorry about these people? - No.

1492. No, I'm not. I thought about it and…

1493. No, I'm not.

1494. I'm not sorry about my men.

1495. Did you have a lot of men?

1496. - Yes. You did? - Yes, hundreds.

1497. Me too. And all with the same faces.

1498. They all look the same to me.

1499. You look after them, see their feet is clean, dry, slightly powdered.

1500. They will not look after their feet.

1501. They were going to kill me with worry.

1502. More than that.

1503. More.

1504. Erm, may I?

1505. Huh? Yeah.

1506. The thing about them was they would not respond.

1507. There it was for them, a crusade against tyranny…

1508. Oh, not you… not you…

1509. but if they knew the king.

1510. My mother knew him well, she used to send his birthday

1511. and all the children, the princesses, they all got a little something.

1512. Even though we were not that well off.

1513. I wanted to do my best for him.

1514. He knew why he gave me his commission.

1515. You know what I mean?

1516. Yeah.

1517. I wanted to know them.

1518. I wanted to know them very much.

1519. I can talk to you.

1520. I could talk to nobody else.

1521. I haven't spoken to anyone else like this, about the king and me

1522. - for the whole of this… - "And I."

1523. The King and I, you know?

1524. You'd like him.

1525. - Thank you. - As I was saying.

1526. I haven't been able to speak to anyone else

1527. through the whole of this film.

1528. You see, one day, after a…

1529. a not particularly arduous or expensive skirmish,

1530. they were all gathered round me.

1531. I well remember

1532. the way an admirable man and a great soldier

1533. referred to expensive noises

1534. as he listened to a battle without emotion.

1535. That is the way, isn't it?

1536. For our kind.

1537. You are a fascist.

1538. Am I?

1539. But I don't particularly dislike Jews.

1540. Oh, I love them.

1541. Have you? Are you cruel? Have you…

1542. killed many Jews?

1543. Quite a lot.

1544. What do you say to that?

1545. Good Lord.

1546. But then, I try to find good in everybody.

1547. Why did you choose me as your defending officer?

1548. I think because you're the only one who is decently turned out.

1549. Halt.

1550. - Face your front. - Shut up!

1551. Er, this man is not fit to plead.

1552. It is obvious to anyone with a spark of humanity in them

1553. that he should be treated with sympathy and understanding…

1554. - And sent home to fire watch. - Shut up!

1555. - You may not say anything. - Ha, ahem, defending officer, sir.

1556. Huh? He's not an officer.

1557. He's not an officer for all his voice and his linea belt.

1558. Therefore he may not make speeches, he may not put questions,

1559. he has no privileges in this court.

1560. You can choose anyone you like to defend you

1561. but if he's not an officer, he can't talk to me.

1562. That makes it awkward for him, doesn't it, huh?

1563. Well, he should've gone to grammar school,

1564. got his Cert A, passed his commission, shouldn't he?

1565. I came up from the ranks.

1566. - I'm a general. - This is a general court marshal.

1567. - What's that? - What you're on for hitting me.

1568. - Uh, permission to speak, sir. - Shut up!

1569. Then speak up man, as long as you're respectful.

1570. What is wrong with the army in general is that there is not enough humanity in it.

1571. Shut up!

1572. If it wasn't for the British Army, you wouldn't be here today.

1573. Humanity, huh!

1574. We're going into Germany soon.

1575. When we get to the home of the Hun,

1576. take your pips off.

1577. You're a very lucky chap, young Body.

1578. You're fighting in a war which may well turn out to be a crusade

1579. if I know the Hun.

1580. A good soldier but a bit frightful.

1581. With any luck he's up to some pretty revolting things behind barbed wire.

1582. In case he isn't… better take your pips off.

1583. It's lads like this who'll put a bullet through the back of your neck

1584. for what you've made them do.

1585. But I don't think Jerry will disappoint us, so…

1586. - Shut up! - But I don't think I could do that, sir.

1587. They're the nicest things that have ever happened to me.

1588. I think my lads are…

1589. - very fond of me. - Sir?

1590. Permission to fall out, sir.

1591. We've been playing what is cricket in the hot sun

1592. for three hours on recreational training.

1593. We can't enjoy ourselves in finitum.

1594. Or at least bowl underarm.

1595. Play on, is my advice to you.

1596. Unless you want to end up looking at me from the rough end of a court marshal.

1597. Enjoy yourselves, it's going to be a long, hard war.

1598. Play on, you may not fall out.

1599. Until a very important bod who is due here any minute sees you entertained and happy

1600. tails up though battle weary.

1601. I haven't brought you all this way to bowl underarm.

1602. It's just as hard for me as it is for you.

1603. You're a bastard!

1604. I hope so! I hope so, I hope I am a bastard!

1605. - But I'm not proud of it. - Sit down, son, sit down.

1606. I've looked after their feet as if they were my own, sir.

1607. Excuse me, sir.

1608. What is all this?

1609. Advance cricket pitch present and ready for your inspection, sir.

1610. What rotten bowlers.

1611. - Right, drive on. - It is damned bad.

1612. The lower, middle and working classes are now receiving the king's commission.

1613. These classes, unlike the old aristocratic and feudal classes

1614. who led the army when I was a lad

1615. never had "their people" to consider.

1616. I liked it better when he was a comedian.

1617. He wasn't very funny, but I liked it better.

1618. Jokes. Mind you, I'm working class.

1619. Oh, I had a grandfather who was a miner.

1620. Until he sold it.

1621. It's a very simple plan, all my plans are simple.

1622. You remember Dieppe? Arnham will be just a simple.

1623. A few parachutes, that's all.

1624. My heart's not in it anymore.

1625. Oh, go away, I'm tired.

1626. I'm the only bleeding bowler they've got in the Second Army.

1627. - Oh… ooh! - Oh, sorry, old man.

1628. - Whatever happened? - No, it's alright, it's alright.

1629. - I'm very grateful really. - Stretcher bearer!

1630. Jammy bastard.

1631. With the Second Army linking up,

1632. the men of the Airborne can afford to relax a little.

1633. Out!

1634. Come on, come on!

1635. - Tot ziens! - Danke, auf Wiedersehen.

1636. Welkom, welkom.

1637. - Welkom. - Oh, thanks.

1638. Hey, give me some!

1639. One, two…

1640. Don't look, don't look, don't look!

1641. Don't look.

1642. Don't look.

1643. Don't look.

1644. Don't look!

1645. Come on.

1646. Dooley, Spool, take the barn.

1647. Come, Transom, with me.

1648. We are English.

1649. Nice place you got here.

1650. Right, you two outside, slit trench eight yards from this wall.

1651. Move yourselves.

1652. Do sit down.

1653. Now this is the job on which the soldier's life

1654. and the sway of battle depends.

1655. As soon as the infantryman reaches a new position,

1656. he starts to dig in

1657. with pick and spade.

1658. To begin with, cover is just a hole in the ground,

1659. but as the enemy are rolled back by succeeding waves of troops,

1660. the men immediately behind start serious digging.

1661. The infantryman's home in battle is his slit trench.

1662. In a narrow, five-foot hole, he lives, sleeps, eats and rests.

1663. If the men are lucky, rations, great coats and mail

1664. are brought to them after dark.

1665. It's the missus again, of course.

1666. She's having it away with a yank now.

1667. Hands across the sea, straight up her woollies.

1668. What are you laughing at? I didn't…

1669. I can't say it.

1670. I can say nothing.

1671. I'd like to say what I feel but I can only tell you what I see.

1672. The weather's not bad, and I still write to you.

1673. The words look so young on paper and…

1674. we are grown people.

1675. But I'll tell you.

1676. I do miss you. It's moonlight cocktails now, all the rage,

1677. with an American soldier.

1678. Who are all over here now.

1679. He thrust his great American hand into my dress

1680. and I felt the utility material of which it was made,

1681. the parachute silk…

1682. tear asunder under the thrust of his passion.

1683. Fondest ever, always, your own Mrs Clapper.

1684. Gripweed! Clapper!

1685. Cover yourselves, they're coming from the right!

1686. Sergeant Transom!

1687. Tank and infantry coming from the right!

1688. This side!

1689. Sergeant Transom! Get out!

1690. Uh, now, now, watch it.

1691. Have a heart, eh?

1692. Thieving git!

1693. Some bastard's been prior, has he, Jock?

1694. One bastard down the road stinks to high heaven.

1695. Kid, you a duration bloke?

1696. You wouldn't chuckle, would you?

1697. Well, pack it in then, I'm a regular, it's my sodding career liberating, alright?

1698. I knew this would happen.

1699. You knew it'd happen, didn't you?

1700. Ja, denn Prost, mein Herren.

1701. So, macht's gut.

1702. Ah, thank you, thank you for your help.

1703. Oh, steady on.

1704. We're still on it.

1705. - Mach's gut, Jung. - The bridge.

1706. Ah, it is a lovely bridge.

1707. It is, at this precise moment,

1708. the only bridge still intact across the Rhine.

1709. Yeah, well. Won't be for long though.

1710. If you had a bridge like this, you could win the war.

1711. I think we're doing that anyhow.

1712. And I could retire sooner.

1713. Ah, if you would win.

1714. Yes.

1715. - It's yours. - No, no, I don't want to blow it up.

1716. You've done all the work.

1717. No, please.

1718. Cheap.

1719. How much do you want for it?

1720. No, no, no.

1721. As we mean to go on after the war.

1722. The war brings out the best in some, you know.

1723. Well, thank you.

1724. But as we mean to go on.

1725. - £25,000. - Eisenhower would never pay it.

1726. Have it.

1727. - Go on. - No.

1728. Those days are over.

1729. There's no hope for you or your country if you're going to let emotion rule.

1730. I tell you.

1731. And it's got me…

1732. nowhere.

1733. Come to me, Sergeant Transom!

1734. To me!

1735. I should have shot that stupid little bleeder a long time ago.

1736. Always wanted to, as you know.

1737. You shoot one though, you've gotta shoot the lot.

1738. Before they takes their exams and are told virtue and industry.

1739. Corr, stone a little colonel, eh?

1740. It's a fine bridge.

1741. And it's worth about, what?

1742. Seventeen thousand?

1743. You know what? You are right.

1744. I was beginning to forget what democracy means.

1745. It's a wonderful bridge, 23,000.

1746. That's better.

1747. Eighteen.

1748. No, no, no, I'm risking my life, they are shooting people for not blowing up bridges.

1749. - Oh, you wouldn't mind that. - No!

1750. Oh, well. We could build one for 23,000. Less!

1751. And it's a little too far south for us anyway.

1752. I'd never get it past the accountants.

1753. Dooley, to me!

1754. My name is Dooley!

1755. I'm not going, I'm just not going, there's more to it to say.

1756. I've got more to say! I'm not going without shouting.

1757. My name is Spool!

1758. I was transferred from the service corp

1759. for better the chance of promotion with a sabre regiment!

1760. I'd like to speak to you on personal, sir.

1761. Transom!

1762. Here!

1763. I never said a word to you before I was dying…

1764. mate.

1765. I died in North Africa.

1766. Fought for three reasons, I can't remember what they were.

1767. First reason gets you in.

1768. And the reason when you're in is staying alive.

1769. I won't know the reason they find afterwards

1770. but it'll be a very good one, why it was fought.

1771. I'm sure we'll be glad.

1772. And I'm not a thief, really.

1773. I've never found anything worth keeping.

1774. Suddenly, my phone rang.

1775. We were eager to secure a Rhine river bridgehead

1776. but we despaired of taking a bridge intact.

1777. Suddenly, my phone rang.

1778. Twenty-two thousand, take it or leave it.

1779. In view of the personal danger to yourself…

1780. - 19. - Right, done!

1781. Fine bleeding hospital, this is!

1782. Suddenly, my phone rang.

1783. It was Hodges calling from Spa.

1784. "Brad," he called, "Brad."

1785. "We've gotten a bridge, a bridge."

1786. "You mean you've gotten one intact over the Rhine?"

1787. "Yep."

1788. "Hot dog," I said.

1789. "This'll bust 'em wide open."

1790. They're coming!

1791. Come on!

1792. It's ours, sir, it's ours!

1793. One minute, one minute!

1794. Get out of the way, you idiot, out!

1795. Bum on! Bum on!

1796. To Moscow!

1797. Bum on!

1798. We've come a long way, chaps.

1799. Now we've come to the end of the road.

1800. Head up, Gripweed!

1801. Be proud!

1802. Show 'em who's won the war.

1803. Across the world, we've trod the stony path in defeat to final victory.

1804. And soon…

1805. the great umpire above will call close of play

1806. in this, the Second World War.

1807. Or as I prefer to call it…

1808. The Final Test.

1809. And I want to take this opportunity

1810. of letting you know how proud I have been

1811. to have commanded such a fine body of men.

1812. Would have bounced anyway.

1813. Haven't got 19 pence!

1814. Transom! Keep your feet up!

1815. - What's he keep calling me that for? - We're not out of the woods yet, you know.

1816. You haven't had a very big part in this, have you?

1817. Ah, well. What are you doing next?

1818. I hear there's this, erm…

1819. - Vietnam thing coming up. - Yeah, I know that.

1820. But I don't like working with that director much.

1821. Still, the money's good.

1822. I'm glad you could get here.

1823. I've been trying to contact all the members of Third Troop for years.

1824. And really…

1825. without success.

1826. The strangest thing is…

1827. the really strange thing is that I agree there was a good reason for fighting the war.

1828. I knew it, I felt really despicable.

1829. We had to fight the war.

1830. I couldn't, that's all, I just couldn't do it.

1831. I had to leave it to chaps like you

1832. who hadn't really got a reason.

1833. I wanted to fight, honestly.

1834. I know you did.

1835. But I won the war.