How High (2001)

1. What the fuck is your problem?

2. No dishwee-saya.

3. My bumbaclot Johnson no working, see?

4. What?

5. I'm a rasclot true gashman and my dick won't stay tick, see?

6. I think I got something for that. Hold on.

7. Girl, wake your ass up. Damn right you ain't asleep.

8. "Crabs... Bad breath."

9. "Limp dick." Ha!

10. Got that dough?

11. Mm-hmm.

12. Will this make my drill sergeant stand at attention?

13. No, but it'll make you forget your drill sergeant don't stand at attention.

14. Blaze two, get at me in the morning. Peace!

15. Yo, Silas, my brother!

16. Oh, shit, Mikey. Hell, no!

17. Hey, come on, Silas. I need something to help me out.

18. Yeah, rehab, mouthwash, and a job application. Jeez...

19. I'm starting to recognize things.

20. That's 'cause you coming down

21. off a three-month crack binge. It's called reality, son.

22. - Later, man. - Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, Silas!

23. You've got anything for a head wound?

24. Man, ain't nothing wrong with your head.

25. There is now.

26. Fuckin' crackhead.

27. Now what? Oh, shit, lve!

28. What's up, dog?

29. - What's up, nigga? - What's crackin'?

30. Oh, shit. You know.

31. Hey, yo, you get my message about goin' to the Jets game?

32. Yo, I wish I could, dog, but I got this little shorty coming through tonight.

33. I met her on the Internet, chickenheads.com.

34. This girl is banging!

35. Yo, we even exchanged pictures and everything!

36. - Damn. This look like your last girlfriend. - Mm-hmm.

37. And did your picture have that nasty Al B. Sure! pubic patch in it, motherfucker?

38. Yo, this just sprang up. You know what I think it is?

39. It's the mark of Buddha.

40. And your haircut game is fucked up.

41. Girlfriend see that, she's gonna shit on you.

42. This girl is different. All she cares about is Kevin Costner movies.

43. I'm gonna let Kev do the foreplay, right?

44. And I figured I could get something from the "Garden of Weeden"

45. to make it interesting.

46. - Costner, huh? - Mm-hmm.

47. Dances with Wolves.

48. Field of Dreams.

49. That's a corny motherfucker.

50. You gonna need some strong shit just to stay awake.

51. You're feeling me. You're feeling me.

52. That's a four-hour move you're makin', motherfucker.

53. Whoo! What is this?

54. Huh?

55. Get up.

56. Dog, you shouldn't have.

57. Man, I didn't. Get outta here with that shit.

58. - Let me just grab her titty. - Hell, no.

59. She wouldn't even know it was me.

60. To hell with that.

61. What you got for me?

62. Here you go, right here, the bomb.

63. Oh, yeah. What's this right here?

64. Stop touching stuff!

65. When you gonna get funds for this shit?

66. Look right there. See that right there?

67. That's a natural aphrodisiac right there.

68. Come here. Let me show you some more shit.

69. Look right there. See that right there? That's a painkiller. Look up under there, bro.

70. You see that? Cure for blue balls.

71. This ain't shit, all right? Watch yourself.

72. Yeah, well, your shit is raggedier than a motherfucker, okay?

73. You know, if you took your head off these hos and put them in some books,

74. you'd have the lab you always talked about.

75. Half those books is filled with bullshit, the other half lies, all right?

76. See what I'm saying? I gotta give Pops his medicine.

77. I'm hungrier than four dudes.

78. Hey, I'm hungrier than five.

79. Who is you, and what you doing in my house, Jack?

80. I work for Pork Chops 0'Chunky.

81. Whether you're black, or a honky, or in-between,

82. you'll love Pork Chops 0'Chunky.

83. Man, that's mean! So what's in this stuff?

84. - Hey, nothing but pork. - Wow! Right on!

85. Why don't you come and have a bowl...

86. There you go.

87. Yo, you scared to answer your calling?

88. Man, what calling?

89. Pork Chops 0'Chunky taste real good

90. Won't make your bathroom smell funky, yeah

91. You got an opportunity to do something here that the drug companies would never do.

92. Let's put the power of the healing back into the hands of the common man.

93. Hey, whatever, man.

94. What you need to do is concentrate on getting the power of booty

95. into the hands of your common ass.

96. That's what the hell you need to do.

97. Don't worry about the lve. I got mine coming tonight.

98. Hey, Silas.

99. Damn, you see the ass on her?

100. What's up, boy?

101. Yo, you just remember to take them THCs, at least try to get into college,

102. working in a real lab, making some real money.

103. Yeah, okay. Whatever, man. If you say so, bro.

104. The world is bigger than Staten Island, dog.

105. I'm out.

106. - Holler at me. - I'll try to.

107. What's up, ladies?

108. Yo, Si.

109. If I got hit by a bus tomorrow, I got your back, dog.

110. If anything happened to me while I jumped out of a window

111. and my hair caught on fire, I got your back, dog.

112. If my ex came at me with a knife and stabbed me, I got your back!

113. Man, you talk too fucking much. Peace!

114. Yo, Silas! You better take those college exams!

115. Look at Jamal. He's a good boy, huh?

116. Good boy, my ass. Ask him why I had to cancel my nail appointment

117. to go and pick him up in the precinct last week.

118. Mamma, they lying.

119. They lying?

120. They found the weed on you, didn't they?

121. It wasn't mine.

122. Then what is this that I found in your bedroom?

123. Hello! Ma, it is a lamp.

124. And this is where you turn it on at.

125. Excuse me?

126. Head.

127. Now, where did I go wrong with your ass?

128. You're gonna have to take that THC test and get into a four-year college

129. or I'm gonna just cut you off from this family.

130. Baby, you are the first member of this family to go to college.

131. But six years at a two-year community college isn't what I had in mind!

132. Tell the truth.

133. Baby, I got a dream

134. that one day I could put your college diploma

135. here under my Jesus, who's master of this house,

136. next to your brother's prison-issued barber certificate

137. and your sister's weave master degree.

138. Now don't disappoint me,

139. you weed-smoking, three-day-wearing nasty ass.

140. - Just like your father. - Ma,

141. why you always gotta be talking to me like that in front of company?

142. These bitches ain't nobody.

143. Now go warm me up some Pork Chops O'Chunky.

144. Is that all, Mamma?

145. Wash your nasty ass.

146. Is that all, Mamma?

147. You the man.

148. What's up, baby?

149. Oh, hell, no!

150. I didn't know you had dreads.

151. And what is that?

152. Brother just got extensions put in today.

153. They tight, huh?

154. Where? Between your eyes?

155. What the hell is that?

156. It's the mark of Buddha.

157. It's the skidmark of Buddha!

158. Looks like he took a dump in the middle of your face.

159. I don't think this is gonna work out.

160. Hold on now!

161. Why you doing this? I rented Field of Dreams and Dances with Wolves.

162. Nigga, you are a wolf.

163. Chocolate diva! Nubian goddess!

164. I'm taking you off my buddy list, bitch!

165. I hope you get a virus, you and your computer!

166. If you build it, they will come.

167. What do you mean, "If you build it, they gonna come"?

168. Who're these people gonna come to a fucking cornfield? Who's gonna cut the grass?

169. I know you don't expect me to sell no peanuts up in this bitch.

170. This shit remind me of slavery, Roots and shit.

171. I don't play this, man.

172. Hey, what was that?

173. Annie! Crazy ho!

174. Know what I'm saying? Only way I'm coming is if you got some females and some chronic.

175. Then we all gonna be coming.

176. That voice just now, what was it?

177. We didn't hear anything.

178. You got some nice titties, dog. Word.

179. What titties? What?

180. Okay, you must've heard that.

181. It's a good baseball field, Ray.

182. It's kind of pretty, isn't it?

183. Oh, yeah. Told you.

184. Did not. [ did.

185. No, you did not. You been busy plowin' my corn.

186. Mark of Buddha, my ass. Look at you now. Dead, ashes.

187. Damn, Ivory. After all these years of blazing,

188. who would've thought the last thing to wind up smoking would be your ass?

189. I'm gonna miss you, dog,

190. and I'm gonna be thinking about you while I'm taking them THCs.

191. And if you're really my boy,

192. you'll make sure I pass that motherfucker, you heard?

193. Thanks, Pops. Matter of fact, what's up with that little...

194. Can I get a little... Never mind. Forget it.

195. Rude-ass motherfucker. Stingy bastard!

196. Shit.

197. Hey, Early Girl.

198. Oh, Ivory! My, how you've grown!

199. Damn, Ivory! I had no idea you could stink so good, nigga!

200. Jeez!

201. Hey, man. Get that car fixed, yo!

202. Blunt o'clock, boy!

203. Man, get the fuck outta here, man!

204. Look at this little-ass bag of fucking weed!

205. Yes, Lord. Oh, damn!

206. Oh, shit! My weed!

207. No cigar? No!

208. Fuck! Fuck! Bitch!

209. Fuck! Fuck! Bitch! Fuck!

210. Got blunt?

211. Got weed?

212. Man, that shit smells good as hell, dog.

213. I'm Jamal.

214. Peace. Silas.

215. Say, you trying to get something to bring them nerves down, too, huh, bro?

216. Yeah, I figure if I study high, take the test high, get high scores.

217. - Right? - Right.

218. Right.

219. Look at that car.

220. Is it on fire?

221. Hit that, son.

222. Yo!

223. Yo!

224. This is the shit.

225. That shit is called lvory.

226. It's the shit.

227. That's the Ivory, right there.

228. - Goddamn! - This is the shit.

229. Hey, y'all pass that, kid.

230. I just gave it to the guy in the back, man.

231. Guy in the back? What the fuck are you...

232. - What's up, dog? - That's Ivory.

233. No, that's the Ivory, bro. Damn.

234. Ivory! Shit! You got to be kidding me!

235. Yo, yo, yo, Silas! Chill out! Silas!

236. Word!

237. What the fuck is going on? Ain't you supposed to be dead?

238. I am dead, but this is what happens when you smoke your boy.

239. Holy shit! Man, let me try that!

240. Silas, relax.

241. Now can we talk about this back in your car?

242. Look, I know how you can get high scores.

243. I'm a ghost, ghost, ghost, ghost, ghost, ghost.

244. Don't touch me, man.

245. It's me, dog.

246. What are you doing, Ive? You just running the streets, fucking with the living?

247. No, bro. I'm just here for you.

248. But you gotta understand that people can only see me when they smoke me.

249. I got all the answers. I can consult with people.

250. Socrates, Nietzsche, even the old dude who made up this test.

251. - That's bullshit. - I bullshit you not.

252. Remember, I told you I have your back, even if I got hit by a bus.

253. Man, matter of fact, your ass didn't even get hit by a bus.

254. I made it! I can't feel my legs, but I'm alive!

255. - And you predicted that shit? - Yeah.

256. So what are you doing here, man? You gonna hook me up with a chick

257. with no gag reflex or some shit like that?

258. Even better. I'm gonna be in there with you.

259. By the time I'm done with you, every college in the country will be knocking at your door.

260. Ow! Shit. Man, I must not be high enough, nigga.

261. He's a ghost, man.

262. Cool. That explains everything.

263. I'm up here trying to put my fucking hand through the...

264. We've never had anybody, let alone two people, get a perfect score.

265. We either have a one-in-six-billion phenomenon or a cheat.

266. - Damn! - It would've been impossible

267. for either of you to cheat.

268. You had two totally different versions of the test.

269. Congratulations. These scores are going to get you into any college in the country.

270. Yo, we still high on that lvory?

271. Dean, it's as simple as this.

272. The trustees of the university are riding my ass

273. about getting some color up at Harvard.

274. - Excuse me? - Ethnic diversity.

275. The trustees seem to think we need it.

276. How come we don't have more minorities?

277. How should I know?

278. If we don't do something soon, I might get fired.

279. What about Upchuck Kamalu? He's Eskimo.

280. Why isn't he considered as a minority? And I brought him in.

281. Yes, but it's breaking the bank keeping his igloo frozen.

282. Dean, what about those two guys I read about from the tri-states?

283. They made perfect scores on their THCs!

284. I saw those guys' pictures. They look like mug shots!

285. I don't care. I want them!

286. At Reparations Technical Institute, we offer a cornucopia of educational

287. and business opportunities

288. for brothers and sisters to pursue higher learning. Read from the brochure, brother.

289. Brothers, join us

290. at Reparations Technical Institute and learn hatred for the white devil

291. in a relaxed campus atmosphere, where classes range...

292. - From... - Hatred for the white devil.

293. - To... - Advanced hatred for the white devil.

294. - And... - Volleyball.

295. Next!

296. You think you're all hot tamales right now, I'll tell you.

297. Why don't you come down to the base and understand

298. what it's really like to be somebody special?

299. You can work hard, you learn,

300. and then you can build refrigerators and such.

301. Next!

302. - Taking a vow of celibacy... - Next!

303. - Frees your mind... - Next!

304. - And your body. - Next!

305. Harvard? Ain't it a lot of richie people up there?

306. Shit, I gotta roll up that joint, dog.

307. Well, with test scores like these, you can roll up any joint you want.

308. But Harvard, gentlemen, is not just any joint. It's an institution.

309. All I want to do is develop my herbal in a real lab

310. and get some head while I'm doing it.

311. Well, we have the finest botany department in the world

312. and a quality of life like no other.

313. Music, artists, and the women.

314. So, does it sound tempting? lvy League atmosphere?

315. A place where you can really grow academically?

316. I'll fucks with you.

317. Shit, I fucks with you, too.

318. Is that good?

319. Yes, that's a "yes."

320. Then we'll fox with each other!

321. Damn!

322. They look like they still in high school, yo.

323. If there's grass on the infield, play ball.

324. Where the fuck is orientation at, anyway?

325. Damn!

326. What the fuck was that?

327. Jesus!

328. If I can pull off six years at a community college,

329. I know I can get at least 12 years up in this motherfucker.

330. Yo, how much of that Ivory shit we got, anyway?

331. We limited, all right? We'll have to split this shit up.

332. You know what I'm saying? We only blaze at test times.

333. What, no wake and bake?

334. Got other stuff for that.

335. Oh.

336. Bart!

337. Remember those artifacts that I found this summer?

338. Well, I was right! They are Ben Franklin's!

339. Great! Did you figure out where you want to eat dinner tonight?

340. Dinner? Bart, you know, some of these things are...

341. They look like earlier inventions,

342. and if I can discover what these are,

343. it could be the greatest find in the history of anyone attending Harvard.

344. I love Ben Franklin, girl,

345. and I could listen to you talk about his stinking ass all day long.

346. Excuse me?

347. Oh. Does anybody know where the financial aid office is?

348. Well, my man, let me think.

349. See that statue right there? It's beautiful, isn't it?

350. That statue is in the likeness of my great-granddaddy Dooster,

351. so |I'm guessing that would be the Dooster House,

352. the financial aid office.

353. Gee, I don't think I've ever met anyone who actually needed to go there.

354. All we did was come over here and ask for directions.

355. If we came over here and asked if anybody needed their ass kicked,

356. you wouldn't sound so fucking smug, now, would you?

357. My bad, bro. We got off on the wrong foot.

358. Let's start over. I'm Bart.

359. Yeah, I'm Jamal.

360. Well, my friend, this is crew, but don't even think about it.

361. You don't look like you could hang, Jermaine.

362. The name's Jamal, and I'll fuck your crew up.

363. Who are they? Who are they, goddamn it?

364. It's rowing, Jimmy Jam.

365. Well, Bart-fart, you got skills in it?

366. Yeah, I'm captain of the team.

367. Well, if you can do it I can do it, sucker.

368. That's right, God damn it!

369. This isn't basketball, J. Rock.

370. I train all year round for three seasons to make number one in single sculls.

371. Well, you're about to be number two, 'cause I'm signing up, buddy.

372. Well, practice starts tomorrow at 6:00 a.m., all right?

373. Fine! I don't mind cutting my evening short to be there.

374. As dean of freshmen, I have welcomed students from all over the world.

375. From Korea, from Rome,

376. Istanbul.

377. Students enter Harvard with a variety of goals.

378. Excuse me. Are we in the right place?

379. Anyone? Anyone?

380. You? You?

381. As I was saying,

382. Harvard isn't for everyone.

383. Oh, shit! We got a black man for a teacher.

384. That's what I'm talking about.

385. - What's up, bro? Holla. - We straight.

386. We straight.

387. - As I was saying... - What's wrong with his ass?

388. He's probably been locked up more times than me and your ass put together.

389. Old, green Jiminy Cricket, suit-wearing ass motherfucker.

390. Ghetto!

391. Old, short Colin Powell- haircut-having ass motherfucker.

392. Ghetto!

393. Little Angela Davis moustache

394. - wearing ass motherfucker! - Ghetto!

395. You ol' Richard Pryor shortcut,

396. fade-happening- around-the-side wearing fucker!

397. You little Sammy Davis award junior Afro-haircut-having ass motherfucker!

398. Ghetto!

399. Dynamite disco daddy devastating...

400. Ghetto!

401. Don Cornelius- with-a-haircut...

402. Gentlemen!

403. If you don't mind, I'd like you to sit down. I would like to continue.

404. Excuse me.

405. Excuse me. Watch your toes. Watch the corns. Excuse me.

406. Thank you for your entertaining anecdotes.

407. We here at Harvard are rooted in tradition.

408. What the fuck is this?

409. That's toilet water.

410. It's a part of my pledge. Do you guys mind?

411. No, but do you mind talking that way?

412. 'Cause your breath smells like straight ass-crack, bro.

413. Isn't there a hip-hop convention you two should be at or something?

414. Ooh!

415. Shark has fangs!

416. Word. Hey, go easy on him.

417. We probably the only blackheads he seen since he looked in the mirror.

418. God, can you guys just show a little respect?

419. This class is fucking boring. I'm outta here!

420. Uh, excuse me.

421. Did I hear you say something?

422. With all due respect, suck my dick.

423. No, sir. I'm not saying anything. It's these guys.

424. You're an asshole.

425. Did you call me an asshole?

426. - No, I said "idiot." - An idiot?

427. - No, sir. - What did you say?

428. I said that this school has nice halls.

429. This is not funny.

430. You couldn't teach your way out of kindergarten class, dean.

431. I think we've had enough interruptions for today. I think you should leave!

432. Sir...

433. This would never have happened if I were black.

434. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

435. - Better pull back on those pedals, boy. - Why?

436. Maximum speed on campus is 15 mphs.

437. 1] Mphsll?

438. Fifty bucks? Oh, man, I can't pay this.

439. Well.

440. This isn't even a real ticket.

441. It's a student citation. See, I'm a volunteer.

442. You need to pay that by Friday at 5:00...

443. - That was uncalled for. - Eat me.

444. You just earned yourself another citation.

445. Fuck off!

446. Well, well, well.

447. Look who we have here.

448. Damn, this bike's phat as hell!

449. Whoa! Don't touch!

450. All right, leave the bike alone.

451. Did you just call me fat? And what is that stench?

452. That's my cologne. Cannabis For Men.

453. I don't know what that is. Forewarning, gentlemen.

454. You better watch your mouths and your behinds.

455. See, I'm looking for the ecstasy. I'm looking for the pot.

456. Oh, yeah. I'm looking for those 'shrooms.

457. Shit, we looking for that shit, too!

458. What are you talking about?

459. Same thing you talking about.

460. What are we talking about?

461. Look, Gerald. Either you're holding,

462. or get on your little roadster and move the fuck on, okay?

463. It's Volunteer Officer Pickelstine, and I am watching you.

464. Oh, I'm watching you like a hawk.

465. Like a hawk!

466. Somebody needs a hug.

467. Don't worry, baby. You can suck my dick after class.

468. Oh! Wow!

469. Oh, she wants me. Welcome to Lovell House.

470. You look funky fresh, and funky fresh

471. always likes funky fresh women.

472. "Amir. Professional student resident advisor for you."

473. And professional player. So, what's mine is yours,

474. and what's yours I've probably already had.

475. You, and you, and me, we're the same: Africa tan.

476. The original man was like us, man.

477. Whatever, nigga.

478. "I believe in the Fly Club, its traditions and its ideals.

479. "I believe in the..." Excuse me. Do you have to play that so loud?

480. I'm trying to study my pledge book.

481. This Niggaz With Attitude.

482. If you smart, you tell people you love NWA. They think you cool.

483. Why you wear smelly eggs?

484. These eggs are a part of my pledging.

485. I am getting thousands of lifetime connections here.

486. I'm gonna be a part of a fraternity.

487. What's up? What's up?

488. Oh, God!

489. One glove, my brothers!

490. I am Tuan, child prodigy.

491. Well, I'm Jamal, a pothead.

492. Silas, entrepre-negro.

493. Jamal!

494. - Fresh gear, man! - You like?

495. - Yeah! - Idesigned it myself. I call it "Bufu."

496. Bufu.

497. Oh, no. Not you two!

498. Fake-ass Paul Bunyan plaid-pussy-shirt-wearing man,

499. I'll fuck your ass up. Shut up.

500. Okay, but if you two are our roommates, who's that?

501. That's I Need Money! Goddamn!

502. Okay, but what's his name?

503. I Need Money!

504. Doesn't talk. How come he?

505. I Need Money, he's a mute.

506. When we first hooked up, he wrote on a slip of paper "I need money."

507. I said, "Shit! Me, too."

508. We started making it together after that.

509. Where he staying?

510. Harvard.

511. Lovell House. Second floor, right on the couch.

512. But he's smoking in our room. That's not legal.

513. Just be cool and you might have some fun this semester.

514. Stupid.

515. NWA?

516. Kid, what do you know about that?

517. Yeah, yeah. I love Niggaz With Attitude.

518. Nobody, I repeat, nobody,

519. drops the N-bomb up in here.

520. Nobody.

521. That go for you, too.

522. Hey, I am down with you, man.

523. You East Coast, I Far East Coast.

524. I'm from Wisconsin.

525. Yo, Fresh and Funky.

526. Dean Cain wants to see you in his office. Don't be late.

527. Gentlemen, this institution has graduated

528. countless Fortune 500 CEQ's, 41 Nobel laureates, and six presidents.

529. Hey, Dean,

530. where's all them fly-ass women the chancellor was talking about?

531. I mean, so far, I only seen some stuck-up,

532. nerdy-ass-looking women out there.

533. You were dropping Cheetos

534. on an original 18th-century, hand-woven tapestry!

535. You mean, this carpet?

536. This is out of my personal collection.

537. I got this in my travels to Nepal!

538. Man, I know the bitch that makes these rugs. You know Wynena.

539. Yeah, I remember that bitch.

540. It means the world to me!

541. Now, as I was saying, here at Harvard, we have very high standards.

542. Any student on a scholarship

543. must maintain at least a 2.0 average, or you will be expelled.

544. It's good to know we have the support of the faculty, Dean.

545. And don't you worry. Me and Jamal here...

546. We're all about good grades.

547. Is that right, Mr. King?

548. Hell, motherfucker... I mean, yes, sir, Dean Cain, sir.

549. Now, how is carbon dioxide changed into oxygen?

550. Plants, dick!

551. God! You guys!

552. Jamal, Jamal, Jamal.

553. Sleepyhead, wake up!

554. I got something for your ass.

555. Come on, gentlemen! Pick it up, if you want to be part of this squad!

556. Taxi!

557. Whew! What took you guys so long?

558. Coach, I have not lost an oar run in three years.

559. I'm wondering if this guy cheated.

560. Cheated? Man, fuck you!

561. Why is fucking Dick Butt-Kiss over here always riding me?

562. Dick Butt-Kiss? Did you hear that, coach? He's cursing!

563. Bart, I think you better go open up the boathouse.

564. - But, coach! - Bart!

565. I don't think you want to see this.

566. You, here.

567. Come here. Come here!

568. Nice comeback on the Dick Butt-Kiss. I wish I could have said that.

569. His parents have been driving me crazy, making my life a misery for years,

570. but they give lots of money to the university.

571. I have to go to those lousy cocktail parties.

572. She has lousy perfume, and he has a lousy toupee.

573. Anyway, you keep throwing zingers to this jerk-off,

574. and you're gonna make the team, son.

575. And let that be a lesson to you! This is the last time!

576. All right, rookies, pushups! Get down!

577. Yo, yo, yo, what's up with the fast stroll?

578. Can I holler?

579. Hi.

580. The role played

581. by the African Americans in the history of this country

582. has been largely unnoticed.

583. Of course, history is the record of an account of the past,

584. but the issue here is, who is recording the account?

585. If it's snowflake, whitey, paleface, peckerwoods, cracker.

586. Well, we got Cleopatra looking like Elizabeth Taylor,

587. Jesus looks like a hippie in a dashiki.

588. But if it's one of my proud black people

589. doing the recording of the account...

590. Yo, Silas!

591. Well, we might have Moses looking like this fine black man, right here.

592. But black people don't get any credit.

593. I'm sore as a motherfucker, man.

594. Who invented the air conditioner? A black man.

595. What's up, dogs?

596. Yo, son, I'm sore as a bitch in here, man. And you know what else?

597. I'm gonna have to knock that Bart character the fuck out.

598. Once again, a black man.

599. Can't this wait till after class?

600. You're supposed to be in here anyway.

601. This is black history.

602. Black history?

603. It look like all the black students that was in here are history, nigga.

604. You telling me to "shh"? See what I mean?

605. Fuck history.

606. Oh, that's right.

607. - Fuck history. - Yeah, fuck history.

608. Mr. Moses, I expect you'll be ready for your quiz tomorrow.

609. Quiz, my ass!

610. A white man teaching black history, anyway, that's some bullshit.

611. I'm going to lunch and take a nice long shit.

612. That's the kind of attitude I like to hear. And where are you going?

613. We didn't land on Plymouth Rock. Plymouth Rock landed on us.

614. Ooh, all right! Malcolm X!

615. Well, I'm glad someone's appreciating the knowledge I'm trying to drop on you today.

616. What about you two? Why don't you walk out in protest with your brothers?

617. Walk out on me! What are you doing sitting there? You look like whitey.

618. You look like a couple of goddamn Uncle Toms! Walk on out!

619. That's right, get up and move! You should lynch me!

620. Lynch me, lynch me for what my people have done to your people.

621. "Stand up for your rights!" Move on up! Move on up!

622. Go, go, go.

623. Hey, what's up?

624. Stop!

625. Hey, what's going on here?

626. He stole my baby! Stop!

627. Bring my baby back!

628. Not my baby! Oh, God!

629. Oh, please, God!

630. Oh, my God! My wheels!

631. Oh, my horn! Please, don't back up! Please, don't back up!

632. Hey, you! Where's Elm and Third?

633. What?

634. Not forward!

635. That's not yours!

636. Look at these, bro!

637. No, don't put them in... Oh, my baby!

638. Can anyone tell me the name of this plant? Bart?

639. Oh, yeah. It's a hanging rubber plant.

640. It's indigenous to the wet drylands of the Northern Hemisphere.

641. Yeah, right, Bart. Would you bet money on that?

642. Or is that below the "Dooster principle"?

643. Yeah, I'll bet on it. How about an SUV? I got three of them.

644. And the survey says, "You lose."

645. It's a neem plant, Professor.

646. Oui. It is, but how did you know that, Silas?

647. I had this nasty-ass rash once.

648. Put a little neem plant on it, cleared it up in an hour.

649. I even smoked it before.

650. Well, that figures.

651. One thing it doesn't cure, though, being a spoiled little bitch.

652. I'd like you all to do an experiment on a plant,

653. something that may benefit mankind.

654. If you devise something groundbreaking,

655. I guarantee you an "A" in this course.

656. Class dismissed.

657. - Good work, everyone. - Thank you.

658. Keep up the good work.

659. So he likes plants, does he?

660. I see still waters run deep.

661. Please believe.

662. But wait till you see my presentation.

663. You're gonna love me after that.

664. So, Lauren, you might as well tell him now and get it over with.

665. What?

666. You know. How you said you're starting

667. to see Bart for the shallow bastard that he is

668. and, eventually, you're gonna leave his ass for me.

669. Holler.

670. This semester in women's studies, we will discuss

671. how women are objectified in popular culture,

672. while the masculine bastards exploit women's ideas for great profit,

673. then take all the credit. Jamal!

674. You have the most amazing

675. pens.

676. Yes, I do.

677. Hell, yeah.

678. So, you're playing grabby-ass again, huh?

679. Ma!

680. Did you wash your ass today?

681. Damn, Ma! Stop, Ma!

682. You high yet?

683. I don't know, man. Maybe not high enough.

684. Where the hell is he?

685. Maybe I didn't hit it hard enough.

686. What are you doing in there? Dropping your kids off at the pool?

687. Oh, shit.

688. Hey, what's up, J? Give me five.

689. Yo, I hate it when you do that.

690. I love that funny shit.

691. What took you so long, man?

692. Biggie and 'Pac, they throwing a party.

693. Open bar all night, man. Everything was cool, man,

694. till Marvin Gaye came in there tripping.

695. - Marvin Gaye? - Yeah.

696. Listen, man, we got a test in about five minutes.

697. Word.

698. What's that got to do with me, baby? I know you're ready, I know you studied for it.

699. Ready? We ain't studied...

700. Come on.

701. You have a golden opportunity here

702. to make something of yourself, and you throwing it away?

703. It's time for you to learn a lesson, dog.

704. Come on, Ive.

705. - I'm out, man. - lve!

706. - Don't play! - Yo, talk to your boy, man.

707. Why you wanna tell him we ain't studied for the test?

708. Damn all that!

709. You should've thought about all that...

710. What's up!

711. I was just fucking with you, man.

712. Come on, son.

713. This is some good shit.

714. You know you my boy, man.

715. "C," Silas. Come on, man. The Portuguese.

716. 1863. That's "B."

717. J, what are you doing? 1961.

718. "B"?

719. Trust me. I got all the answers.

720. You just told me that answer.

721. "A," French. Definitely the French.

722. Goddamn virgins. At least y'all being entertained.

723. I ain't seen a stitch of pussy on this whole campus.

724. The chickens are not clucking around here.

725. You've come to the right place.

726. I've been an undergrad for 12 years.

727. I know everything there is to know about lvy League women.

728. Twelve years? Damn, kid.

729. Your people paying for all this shit?

730. A drop in the bucket, sucker. I remain here solely for the purpose of

731. hooking up with Harvard women.

732. Short ones, tall ones, skinny ones, chunky ones.

733. Man, I'd love me a fat chick, man. More cushion for the pushing.

734. Yes. I want "to boldly go where no man has gone before."

735. I am an explorer.

736. I see you are very much liking to explore STDs, also, my friend.

737. That shit on your lip, got some shit on its lip, dog.

738. Is that why no puff-puff? Pass the dutchy, my friends.

739. This is nothing! I cut myself shaving.

740. Yeah, whatever.

741. We need to start importing some hos.

742. Molly, get in here! You have to see this!

743. Oh, my!

744. Look at those muscles!

745. He is quite attractive.

746. Indeed.

747. I think there's some freak in those geeks.

748. - Yeah! - Here you go.

749. Ooh!

750. Don't get the wrong idea. We've never done anything like this before.

751. We're virgins.

752. Virgins? No, you're not.

753. Yes, we are.

754. - Nah! - Yes.

755. No, no, no.

756. Yes, yes, yes.

757. No, no, no!

758. Yes, yes, yes!

759. Hey, bro, you got change for a twenty?

760. History!

761. Got an "A plus," my nigga.

762. Who is that?

763. That is all me, G.

764. That's the vice president's daughter,

765. as in vice president of the United States.

766. What? Jamal, you don't want that. Them girls only know three words,

767. stop, no and don't.

768. Uh-uh, my brother. You got those words backwards.

769. They always tell me, "No, don't stop!"

770. Excuse me.

771. Player, player.

772. I'm about to tear this ass up right here.

773. Sorry, sir. Jamie's not accepting any male callers at this time.

774. Man, I ain't calling. I'm right here.

775. Cedric, step aside.

776. Whoo-wee!

777. What's your name?

778. I'm Jamal.

779. You ever been arrested, Jamal?

780. Uh... No.

781. Ever busted up your mother's house and then slapped her when she asked you about it?

782. Hell, no! You crazy?

783. You ain't my type.

784. Wait 2 minute!

785. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

786. I once got arrested for stealing a car one time,

787. but my mother dropped the charges.

788. Well, it's not a felony, but maybe we can work with that.

789. Yo!

790. - I didn't mean to scare you. - Um...

791. Can I come in?

792. Sure, come on in.

793. Move my things. There you go. You can sit there.

794. Thank you. How very thoughtful.

795. You'll have to pardon my desk.

796. I've got a lot of artifacts and delicate things down here.

797. What's this shit? Looks old.

798. Oh, it is old.

799. It's over 200 years old.

800. I sort of discovered it.

801. You discovered all this crazy shit.

802. You're a straight-up genius, girl.

803. Well, I don't know about all that.

804. I do know it's Ben Franklin's. I just don't know what it is.

805. But I was thinking that it could be this old revolutionary cannon,

806. or a telescope, or...

807. Whatever it is, this shit is hot.

808. Let me ask you something.

809. Yeah.

810. How'd you hook up with that Bart dude?

811. I've known Bart all my life,

812. and if it weren't for his family, I probably wouldn't be here.

813. Isn't that sweet?

814. Look, you got a little something on your dress.

815. My eyes.

816. Aha!

817. Bart, honey, sweetie, you are just in time,

818. because I've just finished studying.

819. - Studying? - Yeah.

820. I didn't know the two of you were studying in here,

821. alone, with the lights dimmed, drinking beer!

822. Look Silas, I know what you're trying to do, okay? You're trying to "frick" her!

823. Whatever, Bart-kowski. Listen, I was just admiring your girl's thing.

824. Oh, well, I guess I should say thanks.

825. This is a part of history, man.

826. Your girl is doing something I think you need to recognize.

827. Yeah? So?

828. Listen, I'm out.

829. Maybe next time I'll get to study with you. Peace.

830. "Peace" is meant to explain a state of tranquility.

831. So why don't you try thinking of another way to say goodbye now that

832. you're amongst civilized people?

833. Well, Mr. Civilized, "peace" can also be used interjectionally

834. as a request, greeting or farewell.

835. So try to find another way to be an asshole,

836. if you don't know your grammar, that is.

837. Peace.

838. Okay, Bart.

839. God! Can I get my stuff?

840. Sheesh.

841. Yes.

842. It was near the medical library.

843. I think they said it was one of those tick-tocky, blow-uppy,

844. exploding-thingy, pipe bomb thing-things.

845. Yeah. Yeah.

846. Thank you. You, too.

847. All righty. Bye.

848. "Dooster principle," my ass.

849. Man, my grandmother would love this shit in her garden.

850. Outta here.

851. Locked on, boys.

852. Yee-hah!

853. Timber!

854. That statue was priceless. It means everything to our family.

855. Will you stop your damn sniveling, son?

856. Buck up, Bart! Buck up!

857. Yo. Do you think they gonna find out we stole the Dooster statue?

858. Hell, no.

859. Oh, my God! I knew it.

860. You guys stole the Dooster!

861. They do what?

862. Fellas, it's time we all sat down and kicked it.

863. No, no, no. I'm not kicking anything.

864. I have a pledge meeting to go to and I still haven't greased myself up.

865. God, I just don't get you guys.

866. There's a lot of things in life your ass just don't get.

867. Yeah, like pussy and respect.

868. I heard that.

869. See, the system is geared to put most of the wealth into the hands of a few.

870. Rich weapons, poor schooling.

871. Yeah, that's for sure.

872. Yeah, for sure.

873. Y'all don't know shit. I'm gonna learns you, though. I'm gonna learns you.

874. Dwarves, midgets, motherfucking unicorns.

875. Motherfuckers don't want to see a black man make it.

876. - Yeah. - Know what I mean?

877. For sure.

878. I'll tell you something else.

879. For sure.

880. Word up, Young MC. You're just in time to help cheer us to victory.

881. Young MC!

882. Bart, you know, I think you keep getting funnier every day.

883. You ain't gonna be laughing in a minute, motherfucker.

884. Bart, I've decided since you and Jamal are my two best athletes,

885. I want you up against Yale.

886. You can't just change the line-up! That's against the rules!

887. What rules? Who cares? Do you guys care about the rules?

888. - No. - There you go.

889. In the far lane, we have Yale.

890. In the near lane, we have Harvard.

891. On your mark, get set,

892. And they're off! It's a clean start.

893. What are you doing, hip-hop hooray? Paddle!

894. Paddle like a man! Shoot the J! Get jiggy with it. Something.

895. They're blowing Harvard's ass out of the water.

896. Jamal, what is your ass doing rowing a boat? You supposed to be in class.

897. Who the hell is that woman in the sky?

898. I don't know.

899. What's the matter? You been smoking too much ganja, huh?

900. She's huge!

901. Well, I guess you might as well come hack home and live with me.

902. Oh, hell, no!

903. Did you cuss at me?

904. Row, motherfucker, row!

905. Yes, Dean Cain. Am I to believe this is correct?

906. Jamal and Silas have gotten all "A's"?

907. I'll call you back.

908. How you doing, Dean? How you doing? How you been?

909. I see you're checking out my gear, eh?

910. Pretty tight, right?

911. No, actually, it's rather baggy.

912. No, man. It's phat, dope, cool. It's Bufu, man.

913. Bill, what has happened to you?

914. Sit down and take off those glasses.

915. All righty.

916. Tell me, how is Jamal doing?

917. Oh, fine, very well. Yeah, he's coming along.

918. Now listen, Jamie's father is having an upcoming election,

919. and it won't look good if she was to be involved with someone from the lower class.

920. Isn't Jamie a freshman?

921. All right, so you want me to tell Jamal to stop seeing Jamie?

922. I could do that, but he'll just tell me, "Hey, man..."

923. Fuck you. Fuck you! Fuck you!

924. Point well taken. I need you to help me get proof

925. that Jamal is diddling Jamie.

926. Oh, I see now, yes. It's all good, yeah.

927. I'll go holler at him, son. Oh, yeah.

928. Bill, did you just call me "son"?

929. Word.

930. "Word"?

931. Stroke, smoke.

932. Stroke, smoke.

933. - Good. - Stroke, smoke.

934. Stroke, smoke. Stroke, smoke.

935. If Dean Cain think he can kick me out the school that easy,

936. he got another thing coming.

937. What an asshole.

938. Hey Coach, thanks a lot, man. I owe you.

939. Ooh!

940. Listen, Jamie. Me and you cannot see each other no more.

941. No more dating, no more fooling around.

942. None of that. Stop. That's it.

943. Yes, it's probably better if we stop seeing each other,

944. for the sake of my father's campaign.

945. If he lost the election and it was my fault,

946. gosh, golly, that would be so hard on me.

947. I don't think I could live with myself.

948. Look, baby, maybe it would be better if you went to school somewhere down south.

949. I think you should go down south first!

950. This guy's a real asshole.

951. I can't. I can't do it, all right?

952. Will you bring your ass on! We've got work to do before Dean Dickhead gets back.

953. - Mean! - Come on!

954. Aren't you worried about getting kicked out?

955. For this? He ain't gonna never find out. Relax.

956. What happen to bird? Crazy shitting everywhere?

957. Crazy shit, all right, and it will be everywhere.

958. With that, they just won't shit.

959. Yeah.

960. They're gonna blow up.

961. And, as for you two,

962. ever since you arrived on this campus, there's been several mishaps.

963. Now, my instincts tell me it's you, but I can't prove it. Not yet.

964. But I know if I give you enough time, pretty soon you're going to slip up

965. and then I'll be able to send you back to your miserable existence.

966. What the hell are you wearing?

967. Bufu!

968. Bufu?

969. "By Us, Fuck You!"

970. Get out! Out! Out, out, out!

971. "By Us, Fuck You."

972. If the chancellor's throwing a Halloween party,

973. wait till Harvard see our Halloween party!

974. Yeah, but if Dean Cain find out about this shit,

975. he gonna be mad as a motherfucker.

976. What the fuck is he gonna do? We've got the Ivory

977. making straight "A's."

978. We've got this motherfucker locked.

979. They look like they got money. Oh, he kinda cute.

980. Girl, we gonna get paid!

981. How you doing?

982. For real!

983. End Table Ass!

984. Hella Back!

985. Where the party at? We're trying to get a party on.

986. We having a party. Costume party at the Lovell House.

987. 11:00 p.m.

988. Please bring your ass and titties along with you.

989. We want all the hos out here to come.

990. - Wait a minute, did you just call us hos? - Oh, no, uh-uh.

991. I meant that in a good way.

992. Okay.

993. Bring all your horny friends. There you go. Just bring all the hos.

994. Y'all gonna pay us, right?

995. I don't hear nothing.

996. Yeah, we got dough.

997. We got dough. If not, our best friends got dough.

998. And if not, their best friends got dough.

999. Yeah, we gonna come.

1000. Ballers and stuff gonna be there?

1001. Ass, titties, ballers. Come on, girl!

1002. We gonna be there.

1003. Al right!

1004. Popcorn player.

1005. I got one more delivery to make.

1006. Guess who used to be black?

1007. Dean Cain. But he is black.

1008. Like a polar bear, but I got a recipe

1009. that'll inject some ghetto back in his ass.

1010. Got some more beer.

1011. What did you do to yourself?

1012. Oh, the Fox Club.

1013. They put me in a shopping cart and shoved me down a hill.

1014. Thank God I fell out before I hit the freeway.

1015. What the fuck are you doing?

1016. Put the milk back! You're not supposed to steal from us!

1017. Why are you always taking violent tones with people?

1018. Man, shut up before I kick your ass.

1019. As human beings,

1020. we should be able to talk this out, not resort to violence.

1021. How you gonna talk when you shutting up?

1022. Fine! Fine!

1023. You want some violence? You want a piece of this?

1024. Come on! I'll show you some violence! Come on!

1025. Oh, God!

1026. Now go to time out. Go to your room.

1027. I wonder who this could be.

1028. Oh, my goodness. Honey, look at this.

1029. I wonder who these are from.

1030. "Dear Carl, saw these and thought of you.

1031. "Love, Mrs. Ray."

1032. It's my old schoolmarm!

1033. I haven't heard from her in years!

1034. Oh, how sweet.

1035. She knows I love brownies.

1036. A little piece of heaven.

1037. Better than mine?

1038. Darling, I don't remember you cooking brownies.

1039. You're right, I don't, I don't.

1040. Hurry up, darling. You're going to make us late, and you know I hate to be late.

1041. Hurry, hurry, hurry!

1042. All right. I'll take these upstairs.

1043. I'll have another one. They're great.

1044. Throw me a beer, you big weenie!

1045. Lovell House!

1046. Cypress Hill. What up, fellas?

1047. What's up?

1048. - How was the trip? - Good. Good.

1049. I see Muggs couldn't make it, so I brought my man I Need Money.

1050. Is he any good?

1051. He don't talk. He speaks with his hands.

1052. Right, right.

1053. - You have a good show. I'm out. - Thank you, brother. Peace.

1054. Hey, hey. Hey.

1055. Don't fuck up tonight, all right?

1056. What the fuck is the plate for, man?

1057. Gonna be a long night.

1058. - Carl. - Philip.

1059. - How are you? - Wonderful.

1060. You know Ms. Janowitz, from the chemistry department.

1061. Ms. Lovell, from administration.

1062. And of course you know my wife Sheila.

1063. I almost didn't recognize you. I thought you'd brought a professional model to the party.

1064. You look lovely.

1065. Oh, Philip.

1066. Yeah, the bitch is fine, isn't she?

1067. What?

1068. Dear, can you at least feign some interest? You're embarrassing me.

1069. And will you loosen up? You're so stiff sometimes.

1070. Stiff?

1071. Bart, this party is stiff. Excuse me, can you hold this? I'm hot.

1072. Can you put this back on, actually? Your butt is sticking out.

1073. What?

1074. What a jerk!

1075. Don't spoil your appetite, Dean. We're about to have lobster bisque

1076. and Indian pudding that doesn't stop.

1077. I got the munchies like a motherfucker. Hold this, baby.

1078. He seems unusual tonight.

1079. He's dehydrated.

1080. Dance!

1081. Yo, baby, this is boring as hell! Yo, yo, yo, yo, deejay!

1082. Hit me!

1083. I told you I had you covered. There go the two big ballers right there.

1084. You two stay put.

1085. I'm gonna hurt you!

1086. Yo, J. Yo, T.

1087. See those two fine-ass hos right there?

1088. Don't you wish they were really hos and they came over here and said,

1089. "We want to run a dick-sucking marathon with y'all two"?

1090. Yeah, |I'd like that.

1091. Me, too!

1092. Okay. You and you.

1093. We want to run a dick-suckin' marathon with y'all.

1094. Okay.

1095. I'm not that good at it.

1096. Baby, I ain't laughing. I'm gonna make you mine.

1097. Smells good.

1098. Pretty boy-looking motherfucker.

1099. Hey, don't be scared. It's only pussy.

1100. Don't be scared.

1101. I got two inches of hard dick!

1102. I'll work with you, baby. Come on.

1103. "Costume party. Lovell House. Friday."

1104. It is Friday.

1105. But that's what she told Cocoa Butter.

1106. Now these bitches better be out here getting my money.

1107. Hella Back is my bottom bitch.

1108. You know that, right?

1109. Right. Powder.

1110. Bitch better be out here checking my motherfucking money.

1111. Don't cuss when I'm trying to listen to the Word.

1112. The Lord don't like that.

1113. What did I say?

1114. You said "bitch," and "bitch" ain't in the Bible.

1115. I know, bitch. Neither is "motherfucker."

1116. So drive this motherfucking car!

1117. And you an assistant pimp. You ain't even a real pimp.

1118. So you supposed to be cosigning to the shit that I say.

1119. You wanna lose your job? I will pull your motherfucking application.

1120. Now let's practice it. Where's my bitches?

1121. Where's my bitches?

1122. - Where's my bitches? - Where's my bitches?

1123. You gotta say it together. It goes in together.

1124. Where's my bitches?

1125. Okay, check this out. Where's my bitches?

1126. Can't you just say employees?

1127. What about your employees? No, fuck that!

1128. Great ass!

1129. Go! Go! Go!

1130. - Silas, hi. - Hey, hey.

1131. Let me ask you a question. Don't laugh, but...

1132. Does my ass look fat?

1133. No. I say, put another one on the front of you just like it,

1134. I'll slap both them motherfuckers.

1135. Here. Peer pressure, peer pressure, peer pressure...

1136. Come on. Let me holler at you.

1137. Okay.

1138. Oh, that's my song!

1139. What's this?

1140. You got a big sword, baby!

1141. I have to go prepare.

1142. You ain't got to do shit, baby,

1143. except climb out of this costume

1144. and climb into some pussy, baby.

1145. You have to appreciate the colorful use of English language.

1146. Give me that Chinese egg roll fuck!

1147. I love Americal

1148. Let it be something he is involved in,

1149. and I better be the biggest cheerleader.

1150. He's a huge baby!

1151. I hear you with your fine ass.

1152. But pass the blunt, boo! Damn, you hogging the whole shit!

1153. I'm sorry.

1154. I must be buzzed. I'm babbling.

1155. You know, you surprised me by getting high.

1156. I'm not that much of a square, Silas.

1157. I did do it once in high school.

1158. What about you? We all have secrets.

1159. Well, if you act right, I might just let you in my head one day.

1160. Whatever.

1161. But I ain't saying shit on the first date.

1162. Who said this was a date?

1163. You smoked my weed, didn't you? And we almost kissed, didn't we?

1164. - We did not. - Yes, we did.

1165. - We did not. - Here, hit this.

1166. My bad.

1167. Did I spoil the moment? I can't help it, though.

1168. You know what?

1169. Them shits was talking to me.

1170. Oh, my God, look at them. Turn the headlights off!

1171. I'm gonna tell you something.

1172. This pimping that I got in my blood, it came from a family tree.

1173. My granddaddy was a pimp.

1174. My great-great- great-granddaddy was a pimp.

1175. I'm talking about pimping been since pimping since been pimping...

1176. It's in your bloodline.

1177. It's in my blood and you'll never be that.

1178. - Why? - Because you was born,

1179. all the people in your family were assistant pimps.

1180. You's a pimp. I never deny you that.

1181. I thought you was the one the Lord chose.

1182. If it hadn't been for the Lord,

1183. I wouldn't have not had not a bitch come into my life.

1184. - Not had not a? - Not had not a bitch!

1185. Nobody say "Not had not a" like you say "Not had not a."

1186. Not had not a bitch.

1187. I still don't know what that shit means, but it sounds good!

1188. "Not had not a" means "don't get a not nothing."

1189. Now nothing?

1190. A now nothing out of them.

1191. Bitch, shut up and drive this fucking car.

1192. Raging party with open beer cans in hallway.

1193. What's this?

1194. Sterilize hands tonight. Sterilize hands tonight with antibacterial cream many times.

1195. What do we have here?

1196. Nothing.

1197. Aha!

1198. Multi-socket extension cubes.

1199. This is against campus fire code, Section 1743,

1200. "Thou shalt not allow multi-socket extension cubes in dorm rooms."

1201. The extension cords themselves are intertwined in the most flammable of ways,

1202. and they are producing an immense amount of heat.

1203. They could cause an ignition at any point and...

1204. Well, I'll be damned. What is that?

1205. It's just a baby.

1206. This ain't no damn baby. What kind of shit is that hanging out the back?

1207. I need to get her home. Excuse me.

1208. - Where you going with that? - Come on.

1209. Where them motherfucking bitches at?

1210. Look at that little bitty bitch. Look.

1211. Hey, little bitty bitch.

1212. You little bitch, you better get off of me. Where's my bitches?

1213. Yo, what's up, homey?

1214. - Where my bitches at? - Where are our bitches?

1215. You got the voice down, but those outfits no good.

1216. What's wrong with my shit?

1217. Homey, please.

1218. Your Halloween costume. If you pimp, you broke pimp.

1219. You know you're fucked up, Woody.

1220. Come on with it.

1221. Baby powder?

1222. What smell that is?

1223. You changing diapers?

1224. What the fuck is all this?

1225. What y'all three bitches want?

1226. Tell them, Powder!

1227. We already got pussy here. Y'all come back later.

1228. I'm about to knock you the fuck out.

1229. I'm gonna do the knocking out.

1230. Come on with it.

1231. Where you going? You gotta stay.

1232. A party ain't a party without you.

1233. Damn, you smelly little fucker!

1234. Plus, there's no room in the limo!

1235. I'll be back for you, man.

1236. You ain't gonna need that.

1237. Cops!

1238. Somebody owes me for one night's worth of flat-back fucking up in here!

1239. Whoa!

1240. This is exhilarating. But don't get the wrong idea.

1241. Megan and I have never done anything like this before.

1242. - We're virgins. - Yeah, both of us.

1243. Molly and I are really into D'Angelo. Do you have any?

1244. Ain't that a... Hell, no, we ain't got no...

1245. And let me let you know something.

1246. While you're sitting in this car, you don't run shit.

1247. Tell them, Powder.

1248. Dick drives this car, not pussy.

1249. You think it's funny, bitch?

1250. This is pimping here. I been on Wheel of Fortune, Price is Right.

1251. Bitch, come on with it.

1252. You'd rather piss off a barracuda than piss off Powder.

1253. That's funny? Keep on laughing. Bring your face over here.

1254. Play that shit!

1255. Wow.

1256. Man, come on. You act like I took it. We'll just get some more.

1257. Man, ain't no more. All of Ivory's ashes was in just that plant.

1258. Now come on, let's go see what this Dean stick-up-his-ass wants.

1259. He probably gonna curse us out about that wild-ass party.

1260. Man, that party was not that wild.

1261. Yeah, it did get a little out of hand.

1262. See what I'm saying?

1263. Sex novelties, obscenity, fighting,

1264. indecent exposure,

1265. rock bands, without a permit.

1266. Welcome, gentlemen, to academic probation.

1267. Damn, who gonna be our PO?

1268. How charmingly ghetto.

1269. You're dismissed.

1270. We ain't got no Ivory,

1271. we're about to get kicked the fuck out of here,

1272. and what the fuck are you doing?

1273. Oh, I'm working on my truth serum.

1274. Why you gotta sound all belligerent about my shit anyway?

1275. Belligerent?

1276. Yeah, belligerent.

1277. As in abusive or truculent.

1278. Yo, you keep on using them big-ass Harvard words

1279. and your ghetto pass is gonna get revoked, buddy.

1280. Why don't you go pick up a book or something?

1281. If I get this shit right, I get an "A" in botany class.

1282. Motherfucker.

1283. When I was 12, I used to love watching my dogs hump.

1284. We used to have a good time.

1285. What the fuck is that?

1286. I'm gonna have to tweak this shit a little.

1287. Me hungry.

1288. I say we burn them books,

1289. go to that graveyard, find us a smart dead guy,

1290. and smoke his skeleton ass.

1291. We sit down, blaze up,

1292. hit the books for a few hours a day, we got this.

1293. I'm telling you. We don't need no smart dead guy.

1294. That's what I'm talking about.

1295. Light that shit up.

1296. Hit them books!

1297. These are our midterms?

1298. See what I'm saying? All "Fs," son.

1299. We are fucked. Fucked, fucked, fucked, fucked!

1300. How did [ fail women's studies? I love bitches!

1301. What are we doing?

1302. Looking for a smart dead guy.

1303. Guys, hey! This guy'll do. He's a president.

1304. Yeah, he should know all the fucking answers.

1305. Answers? What are you talking about?

1306. Wait, no, no, no! You can't dig up somebody's grave! That's disgusting!

1307. You guys don't think that there's anything wrong with this?

1308. You guys are fucked up! What are you gonna do with this now?

1309. Shit!

1310. Stop acting like a little bitch! Get the body.

1311. What the fuck are you doing?

1312. Get the body.

1313. You should have some more respect for an ex-president, asshole.

1314. Come on. Put this shit on your back.

1315. Oh, God! No!

1316. Shut up before I smack the shit out of you.

1317. Come on, come on.

1318. Oh, my God. It's so good.

1319. Fly!

1320. Yo, Silas. What's up, dog?

1321. Who are you? Do you see me?

1322. Relax, relax!

1323. Open, window! Open, window!

1324. Yo, what the fuck are we gonna do now?

1325. Fuck you think we gonna do? We gonna smoke his ass,

1326. then we gonna start asking questions.

1327. Wait a minute.

1328. Didn't you put the ashes in the soil before you grew the plant?

1329. We ain't got no time for that shit, all right?

1330. We gotta grind him now. Get this arm.

1331. No.

1332. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

1333. This is a motherfucking president, man.

1334. What the fuck are we doing?

1335. You want to stay in Harvard, or what?

1336. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

1337. I Need Money, did you check him

1338. for any jewelry, or money on him, or anything?

1339. Fuck all that, man. Listen, I'm cutting this arm now.

1340. Get the arm! Get the arm, man.

1341. Y'all calm down! We got this. Calm down.

1342. This is insane.

1343. You're a nasty motherfucker!

1344. I can't smoke a finger!

1345. This shit's not working.

1346. What up, bro?

1347. I didn't know that you guys were gonna be here.

1348. I saved your plant.

1349. What did you do to it? This is a special plant.

1350. I know.

1351. You stole our plant!

1352. Damn right he stole your plant.

1353. Yo, Silas, this idiot smoked up all the plant.

1354. You're gonna have to study on your own.

1355. Damn, they can't hear me or see me. Tell them!

1356. Well, you know, someone else was breaking in here.

1357. So I caught them. You can give me a reward, like more of the plant.

1358. Man, we ain't got no more goddamn plant!

1359. Hogging all the good shit. Okay, that's fine! Let's go, Ivory.

1360. Wait. Ivory here?

1361. Yeah, maybe.

1362. - Repeat after me. - Repeat after me.

1363. - Yo, dog. - Yo, zo0g.

1364. - Dog. - 20g.

1365. - You idiot. - You idiot!

1366. - I'm disappearing. - I'm disappearing.

1367. - What? - What?

1368. - What? - What?

1369. What?

1370. This reminds me of my lab back at the crib.

1371. I have some of the same stuff.

1372. How'd you get that?

1373. I stole it.

1374. Just place them on the wall there.

1375. Well, well, well.

1376. Never thought I'd find you two ghetto asses up in here studying.

1377. "Ghetto asses"?

1378. Oh, did I say that?

1379. Oh, it must be the effects of the brownies you sent me.

1380. They must still be in my system.

1381. Lauren.

1382. How's the project coming?

1383. Fine. As a matter of fact, I'm going to check on that right now.

1384. I got to go.

1385. Yo, Dean. Why you gotta be a hater?

1386. Oh, yes. I'm a hater. I hate pot-smoking punks

1387. that think that everything should just be given to them.

1388. You two are an absolute disgrace to this university.

1389. Yo, Dean, man, what are those?

1390. Oh, these? These are invitations to the alumni celebration,

1391. in which the vice president will be attending.

1392. And Lauren will be unveiling her Benjamin Franklin experiment.

1393. Certain students will be invited, those that pass their finals.

1394. For real?

1395. But you won't pass your finals.

1396. You'll fail and then I'll have you out of my hair and out of Harvard.

1397. Happy studying, gentlemen.

1398. Fuck!

1399. I'm trying to do my thing. It's pimping over here, baby.

1400. Baby Powder, when you gonna pay us our money?

1401. I got a $25 money order...

1402. - $257? - Money order?

1403. That you bitches can split.

1404. Who you calling a bitch, bitch?

1405. - Come on with it. - I got you.

1406. If it ain't "Rice Puff Daddy."

1407. No, Powder. That's "Run MSG."

1408. Hey, what you listening to, brother?

1409. Wu-Tang.

1410. "Wu-Tang! Wu-Tang! I came to bring the pain!

1411. "Hardcore to the pain!"

1412. We don't listen to that Chinese shit. We do this.

1413. You guys!

1414. You need to sit down.

1415. I'll round them motherfucking almond eyes of yours out, you understand me?

1416. Hold on, Powder. Let's not get ignorant.

1417. Maybe he just came here to pay our money.

1418. No, actually, I come for your girls.

1419. Actually, you gonna come back and give me them two duck sauces your mama...

1420. Let me get my switchblade out. Let me get my blade.

1421. Ooh, shit!

1422. Come on, bitch.

1423. Man, it was two egg rolls, it wasn't duck sauce.

1424. Who the bitch now, hitch?

1425. Bitch!

1426. I need to slap my goddamn self for that.

1427. Pimps go through this kind of shit from time to time.

1428. Yes, Dean Cain here.

1429. Yes, I did receive them.

1430. As a matter of fact, I was just going over Silas and Jamal's grades

1431. and I see they're all "Fs."

1432. Yes. I agree.

1433. Very sad. Very sad, indeed.

1434. Yes. Well, I'll speak to you later.

1435. Bye-bye.

1436. Yes! Yes! Yes!

1437. Dean Cain expects us off campus by Monday.

1438. It went that bad in botany class?

1439. Kid lost about 15 pounds of fluid.

1440. And that was just from the mouth. And I'm still below a 2.0.

1441. Man, we gonna get kicked the fuck out this school.

1442. Maybe I can go back to being your manager

1443. and you strip at that club again like you used to.

1444. No, you can't give up.

1445. You can't let the Dean win.

1446. Did Commander Riker give up

1447. when the Borg infiltrated the Starship Enterprise

1448. and Captain Picard came back all half-robot?

1449. The Borgs? They're here!

1450. Oh, God. Run for your life!

1451. My point is...

1452. My point is shut the fuck up!

1453. It's over.

1454. And we out of here. Wash my hands.

1455. Silas, man, you can't give up.

1456. If you get this botany grade changed, they have to keep you.

1457. Yeah, my truth serum.

1458. I gotta fix it. Yo!

1459. That's right.

1460. Here's your coffee.

1461. Ah, Bart. Nice to see you.

1462. Listen, I think I have a solution to your little problem.

1463. Oh, no. I already got the prescription filled. Zing!

1464. Not that problem. I'm talking about the boys.

1465. Those rejects have been rejected.

1466. Yo, Dean Cain, look who's back!

1467. Holler.

1468. Dean, what a surprise. Look who's here.

1469. How exciting.

1470. Guys, we weren't expecting you, but you're right on time.

1471. Let's go meet the next likely leader of the free world.

1472. What are you two doing here?

1473. Couldn't have my future ex-wife show up to some big-wig event

1474. without her daddy on her arm.

1475. Ain't that right, baby?

1476. Right, Daddy.

1477. Old friends, fellow alums,

1478. it's wonderful being back here at Harvard,

1479. where I get to see my beautiful daughter.

1480. - Hi, honey. - Hi, Daddy. Daddy?

1481. This is Jamal. Jamal, this is my dad.

1482. Hi. Hello, Jamal.

1483. Mr. President.

1484. I call you Mr. President because I know you're gonna rock this election.

1485. I hope you're right, son. Uh-oh. Camera.

1486. All right, Ivory. This is the last of you. Do your stuff.

1487. Oh, hey, hey, hey, Professor! What's going on?

1488. Nice to see you again.

1489. Listen, tonight I got a feeling you're gonna see my experiment work.

1490. I hope we don't have to pass out any barf bags.

1491. Don't even worry about that. I found my secret ingredient.

1492. By adding a little bit of... Cannabis,

1493. I was able to counteract the nausea.

1494. I'm proud of you.

1495. Thank you, Professor. Thank you, man.

1496. I actually feel wonderful.

1497. Isn't he great, Daddy?

1498. - Yeah. - Yeah.

1499. - He's great. - He's great.

1500. Good service.

1501. Oh, Jamie! Here's your dad after a frat party.

1502. We don't want the dean to get his panties in a bunch.

1503. He might want a spanking!

1504. Sit down.

1505. Wait a minute. I know you two ain't here playing grab ass

1506. while I'm entertaining my future vanilla-villa father, are you?

1507. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

1508. Look! The serum working, man. They high, dog. Look!

1509. I got something to tell you. Man, I been pinching your weed off.

1510. - What you telling me for? - Damn.

1511. I don't know. I guess it's that new serum, man.

1512. - I'm sorry, man. - It's okay. Don't even worry about it.

1513. No, it ain't all right, man. I been taking your CDs. I been using your weed pipes.

1514. I even been looking at Lauren's ass a couple of times, man.

1515. She's fine!

1516. And if she gave me the chance, I'd wax that ass till she show me what...

1517. Whoa, whoa, whoa!

1518. Jamal, I'll take that as a compliment.

1519. Thank you.

1520. We all know that Harvard has been honored to host

1521. some of Benjamin Franklin's artifacts, which I personally found,

1522. like this cannon-like article back here.

1523. Now, later, you can take note of the foot-operated carburetor,

1524. the reservoir, and the top-loading bud bowl.

1525. Ladies and gentlemen, Harvard is now the proud owner of America's first

1526. bong!

1527. A bong?

1528. This is outrageous!

1529. If Benjamin Franklin were here today,

1530. he would deny and denounce any claim to these so-called findings.

1531. I'm gonna have to disagree on that.

1532. Yo, Ben, tell this fool. Is that a bong or what?

1533. Yep. It's the liberty bong. Light that shit.

1534. Smoke that shit, pass that shit.

1535. Yo, you gotta come to this party, Ben.

1536. Come on, man. Smoke.

1537. Gerald!

1538. Oh, yeah!

1539. This is insane!

1540. What are you all laughing at?

1541. Dean, I have had it with your uptight,

1542. self-serving, over-opinionated ass!

1543. Ghetto!

1544. In short, you are fired!

1545. Oh, hit the bricks, dog!

1546. The big payback!

1547. - Silas. Yo, dog, man. - Jamal.

1548. Look like you did it, dog. You got a new serum, man.

1549. You gonna be an herbal scientist, my brother.

1550. Me and you turned this place upside down, didn't we?

1551. Did we!

1552. Amazing what two brothers from the PJ can do with just a bit of opportunity.

1553. Word. Holler at you, dog.

1554. I will, man.

1555. Secret Service!

1556. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Dean, Dean, Dean.

1557. Ease up on the black-on-black crime, bro.

1558. This motherfucker done messed up my shit!

1559. Back up! Back up! You better give me three feet!

1560. Get up.

1561. Cool.

1562. Take him away, boys.

1563. Take your hands off of me! Do you realize who I am?

1564. What are you looking at?

1565. I Need Money! You talk!

1566. Why, yes, Jamal. It is somewhat of a surprise to me, also.

1567. Lord, it's a gift! It's a gift from above! Make you float like a dove!

1568. Make you scream like Michael in a rhinestone glove. Lord, Lord, Lord.

1569. - Popcorn player. - Popcorn player.

1570. [ Didn't inhale!

1571. God, this is the wildest time I've ever had.

1572. You won't mind that I'm banging your daughter on the regular?

1573. No, no! Not at all.

1574. Good, because Jamal's gonna be my baby daddy.

1575. Son, welcome to the family.

1576. Daddy!

1577. Silas, your experiment was a success.

1578. Your serum worked and you're going to get an "A" in my course.

1579. So that means I get to stay?

1580. You betcha!

1581. You can stay as long as it takes you to graduate, I don't care.

1582. Right, ladies?

1583. Shall we, ladies?

1584. Hey, down here! This is not happening!

1585. Lauren, you are coming with me!

1586. Honey, you have never satisfied me.

1587. Huh?

1588. Silas?

1589. But I can.

1590. The day you lay off is the day you pay off.

1591. We come in here to get our old bitches, but if they ain't in here

1592. we gonna get those intellect bitches and start our own new stable. Feel me?

1593. Just keep it pimpalicious. Keep it pimpalicious!

1594. Powder, what are you doing here?

1595. What are you doing in here?

1596. I've been rolling this joint for 20 years.

1597. But if these people knew I was using your dial-a-ho service,

1598. they might not understand.

1599. You're one of my biggest customers. You like them hand-jobs,

1600. fat bitches pissing on you all the time.

1601. I like the ladies.

1602. Licking poodle feet and shit.

1603. Stop it right there. Have you ever been to college?

1604. Yeah, two years pussyology.

1605. Academia. I like it.

1606. Give me a call next week. I think we can work something out.

1607. Today's class is called Pimpology I and II. I'm one, that's two.

1608. That's what your ass will be if you don't pass this class.

1609. It got to come out right! And if it don't come out right,

1610. you ain't gonna get to pimp tonight!

1611. Where my bitches?

1612. Where my bitches?

1613. Come on with it,

1614. and let it fly!

1615. Not yourselves!

1616. Shit!

1617. That was deep! That was deep.

1618. And B-cam roll.

1619. "B" marker.

1620. Cut!

1621. And another thing, I forgot my motherfucking line!

1622. Yo, stop doing that shit, dog. You can't be laughing at me, man.

1623. Fuck my close-up up, nigger.

1624. They know we stole the... What is that?

1625. I knew it. You guys and your lies.

1626. Can I get some pussy?

1627. Sure. Come on in.

1628. I told you we should have went to UCLA:

1629. You know damn well,

1630. I'm about to go stick my dick in a thermos or something.

1631. Puffs for purgatory for everybody. Line them up!

1632. Puffs for purgatory, baby!

1633. Puffs for purgatory.

1634. See each other no more. I mean, the fucking around...

1635. Ah, shit!

1636. I pledge allegiance to the pimp of the United Pimps of America.

1637. Come on, you fuckers! Call action!

1638. I don't give a fuck if it breaks! You hear me? God damn it!

1639. Turn that goddamn water off!

1640. Cut! Cut! Cut!

1641. - Cut. - Cut.

1642. Cut!

1643. The movie's over!

1644. Go home!

1645. Go home!

1646. Why don't y'all wanna leave?