Homo Erectus (2007)

1. God damn it, Zog.

2. Sorry, Sorry about that dude.

3. Sorry. - Jesus.

4. Damn day.

5. Dude, can I take that bone back?

6. Life...

7. What is it all mean?

8. What is our purpose? Why are we here?

9. We're born, breathe, we die.

10. And then, we're forgotten,

11. only for another generation to repeat the same seemingly irrelevant cycle.

12. All just seem so pointless.

13. And all along the way we mire ourselves in the burdens and stresses of everyday modern life.

14. The more complicated we make our existence,

15. the more we destruct our conscious minds from our inevitable mortality.

16. Oh, how it all makes me yearn for the innocence of my childhood.

17. Those were the days.

18. I look back now nostalgicly at that time,

19. before adult responsibilities kicked in.

20. Oh, the frivolity of youth.

21. What am I talking about, I was miserable most of my childhood

22. thanks to my asshole older brother, Thudnik.

23. Luckily, our father was a fair and just mediator.

24. Dad, Thudnik hit me in the head with a rock again.

25. What have you done?

26. Sorry dad, it was an accident.

27. Not you. You.

28. How many times have I told you to stop whining?

29. Allright, well, maybe he wasn't so fair and just when it came to me..

30. But he was the head of our tribe and he knew how to keep his people safe from the Binadraks,

31. the tribe on the other side of the mountain.

32. Also he's a natural born charismatic leader,

33. he did have a certain "je ne sais qoi" when it came to the ladies.

34. Hi.

35. Of course, he set a questionable example

36. as he was flagrantly clubbing other women right under the nose of my mother.

37. Mom.

38. Doesn't that bother you dad's was dragging other women into the cage.

39. Questions, everything is a question.

40. What bothers me is I've got a noodge for a son.

41. Why did I even try? Mom love being first lady so much that

42. as long as she had a nice fur to wear she was capable of looking pass to anything.

43. Why can't you be more like your older brother?

44. Come on.

45. He is a natural born leader,

46. and pretty soon he's gonna be clubbing all the girls.

47. This gonna be... If you gonna get tougher

48. Because this gonna be "bupkus" for you. Nothing.

49. Girls, they... They like of manly man.

50. That's what they like.

51. I didn't wanna club all the girls.

52. I didn't wanna club any of them.

53. There was only one girl for me.

54. Her name was Fardart. She was the love of my life.

55. As far as she knew we were just best friends but,

56. I dreamt some day we be more.

57. I'm in love with your brother, Thudnik.

58. Thudnik? But he is an idiot.

59. No, he's not. He'll be head of the tribe one day.

60. He is a natural born leader and he's so cute.

61. He is a minkukel.

62. You're smart, unique, reflective person.

63. You deserve someone better.

64. Someone like... - Like who, Ishbo?

65. Like... - Fardart! Time to pick lice off your brother.

66. Coming mom.

67. Can you talk to him? See if he likes me.

68. Don't let him know I've asked you, though.

69. Allright.

70. You're the best, Ishbo.

71. I'm such a wuss.

72. That was then and this is now.

73. Good news is, I think the other members of my tribe are finally starting to appreciate

74. my insatiable quest for the unlocking of lifes grand mistery.

75. Or not.

76. In either event, I'm not giving up. Life's a puzzle.

77. And all the pieces are scattered around for everyone to see.

78. I just need to put it all together.

79. The ony trouble is, how the hell am I supposed to figure out the meaning of life,

80. when I'm surrounded by freakin' Neanderthals?

81. No matter what obstacles the Gods through our way, the tribe was always pretty much the same.

82. As was our daily existence.

83. The three S's always apply: Shelter, Sustenance and Survival.

84. Breakfast usually consisted of some sort of ham steak from a recent boar kill.

85. But since the hunting have been season scares, it was berries and leaves again.

86. Some tribes just spice up their leaves with cinch bugs or sand flees.

87. But those exoskeletons wrecked havoc on lower intestines.

88. For the most part, daily life on the plains was pretty routine.

89. The tribe, as a hole, managed to delecate balance between survival and recreation.

90. Zig and Zog had no problems with the recreation part.

91. They had discovered a weed that when smoked,

92. open their minds to new levels of observation.

93. Do you wanna a see water buffalo fly, man?

94. No, thanks, I'm cool. - Allright.

95. Yo, Zig, check it out, a flying water buffalo,

96. is like a rain buffalo.

97. Listen, water is just rain falling from the sky, right?

98. So if a water buffalo is in the sky,

99. it's a flying rain buffalo and then you got, you got buffalo rain, man.

100. Some crazy shit right there, man.

101. Interesting, yeah, I never would've thought of that.

102. The eldest member of our tribe was known simply as "Old Fool".

103. He was so old in fact that he actually had been around since before the great wars with the Binadraks's started,

104. and remember the day before fire.

105. He was almost 30.

106. Everyone else in the tribe thought he was just crazy old man but I knew differently.

107. He was actually wisest sage in the land.

108. Old Fool, would you mind covering yourself please, for one?

109. Your nudity is distracting me from your wise thoughts.

110. No, I refuse to wear these newfangled things. What do you call them, clothes?

111. You smart ass kids and your technology,

112. you're moving so Goddamn fast I can't keep up.

113. Gods, meant for us to have furs, we'd have furs.

114. I disagree. I think the Gods provided us with the raw materials,

115. and the ability to think. It's our responsibility to make the most of what we have our disposal.

116. Don't you think?

117. What kind of panty ass fagget talk is that?

118. Listen, because I've been around longer than anyone.

119. You have questions and see can't through.

120. Educate me Old Fool, you're the only one in the tribe that has the knowledge I crave.

121. All the riddles of our existence can be deciphered with this.

122. What is it?

123. Turd.

124. My turd.

125. It's a big turd.

126. Great biggy.

127. My biggest disappointment was coming to the conclusion that Old Fool wasn't actually wise at all.

128. Complete imbecile. For once, the others were right.

129. My brother Thudnik, true to form, grow up to be the perfect specimen of masculinity.

130. His strength, agility, athleticism and natural leadership skills,

131. garanteed him the role of tribe leader once my father crossed over into the afterlife.

132. And like my father, he was loved by the ladies.

133. As much as I hated to admit it, I guess I was crippled with jealousy over how effortless it all came to him.

134. But I was gonna use that envy as fuel

135. and evolve our species beyond sticks and stones.

136. How I's gonno do it, you may ask. I'd become an inventor.

137. Hey, look everybody, I just invented pants.

138. Ishbo, are you OK?

139. One thing that definitely hadn't change was the way I felt about Fardart.

140. Ishbo!

141. I've died and gone to heaven.

142. Come on, Thudnik.

143. Unfortunately, neither had her feelings for my brother.

144. I mean he's clubbed every girl on the tribe, but me.

145. I'm not ugly. Am I undesirable?

146. Smoke signals again. Those Binadraks are up to something.

147. Ishbo, you've been listening to me?

148. I'm talking about something very important.

149. Of course, my brother is a profound idiot.

150. You're the hottest girl on the tribe. I've told you million times.

151. Really? - Really.

152. Okey, I guess it's not about me.

153. What's happening with you, Ish? What is happening in your love life?

154. - Who do you have your eye on? - Nobody.

155. Come on, you can tell your best friend. - No, seriously, there is nobody.

156. I have no time for such folderol, OK? I'm too busy inventing things.

157. Really Ishbo, that's absurd.

158. Back to more important matters, I have a secret.

159. Somebody likes you.

160. - Really? Who? - Somebody very close to you, right now.

161. But, if I tell you you can't say anything. Your cousin, Urka.

162. See the way that she looks to you during campfire stories?

163. What do you think? - Not my type.

164. Really? - Yeah.

165. God, I tell you guys would've made a really cute couple. - I don't think so.

166. I don't know, Ish. There's gotta be somebody.

167. No, don't bother. Just forget about it. I can't get girls, it's worthless, OK?

168. Listen, I don't even know how to club.

169. What? You've never clubbed a girl?

170. No, I haven't. Is that so crazy?

171. Now, you can do it.

172. you take her by the hair, you drag her into the cave.

173. Very romantic.

174. OK, you try. - I don't know.

175. I wanna make this one a little prettier for you.

176. You should be gotta wait for me get out of the way that pumpkin.

177. Did you just trying to club me?

178. No, don't be ridiculous.

179. No.

180. Yes.

181. Ishbo, what are you trying to say?

182. Fardart, I love you.

183. I've been in love with you ever since we're children. I've just been to afraid to do anything about it.

184. Out of fear of rejection, fear of messing of our friendship.

185. And I know I'm not the biggest, strongest member of the tribe,

186. but I know I can love you with the power of the ten mastodonts.

187. You just give me chance, I know I can make you the happiest girl on all of Pangea.

188. Oh, Ishbo.

189. You saved the best for last, ha?

190. I love you inspectin things.

191. See you comin'.

192. You're heavy.

193. There I was, surrounded by hungry, wooly mammoths.

194. Everynight after dinner, the tribe would gather around the campfire,

195. and listen to my uncle Unkie tell stories.

196. Giant dusks, bigger than my body.

197. Sharp as thorns.

198. Uncle Unkie was my fathers twin brother and the tribes designated stroy teller.

199. These enormous beasts and only one thought on their mind.

200. They kill me.

201. Night after night, he would regale harrowing tales of his travels to forbidden places.

202. His words were a complex tapestry of twists and turns.

203. Holding the entire tribe captive from the beginning to...

204. THE END.

205. Bravo uncle Unkie.

206. Bork, why the hell you're clapping so loud?

207. Are you kidding? I mean, that story kicked ass, man.

208. He tells the same story every night.

209. So? - So, he tells the exact same story every night.

210. He holds his goddamn hand out and releases that mouse at the same time.

211. Everybody screams like they don't know what's coming next.

212. Is it me? Am I crazy?

213. Wouldn't it be nice once to hear a new story?

214. This is very awkward.

215. Now look what've done.

216. Well, Mr. Bigshot inventor.

217. If you think you're so much smarter than everybody else,

218. and why don't you just invent a new story?

219. Allright.

220. Good evening throwbacks and gentleman.

221. It's great to be back at the cave.

222. I'm reminded tonight of why it is that the ladies like caveman so much.

223. They know all the best clubs.

224. Is this thing on? Hello? Hello?

225. Allright, what do you call two lesbian cavewoman?

226. Troglodykes. Troglodykes!

227. Now, onto the tribal updates.

228. There's been some grumblings lately, about the Binadraks unusual activity.

229. We've all seen the smoke and we've heard the drums.

230. But, as our chief and tribal leader, I can assure you there's nothing to be fraid of.

231. So, don't anybody panic.

232. They wouldn't dare try any shenanigans after the ass-whoopin' we gave them last spring.

233. Right? - You're right.

234. OK, that's it.

235. Not quite, dad. I have announcement to make.

236. Everybody, Fardart and me are getting married.

237. Mazal Tov!

238. My worst nightmare come true.

239. If only I had told her how I felt sooner,

240. maybe things would've been different.

241. But it's too late now.

242. The love of my life was marrying my taller, stronger, better looking brother.

243. There was nothing I could do about it.

244. There would never be another woman for me.

245. That night I had a dream.

246. Ishbo, I don't wanna be with Thudnik.

247. I wanna be with you.

248. Over here! Over here' He is over here!

249. - Fardart, what're you doing? - He's gotta get away! Hurry!

250. There he is!

251. Guys, I'm not a goddamn wolly mammoth.

252. Missed me.

253. This Fardart thing was consuming my every thought.

254. I turn to my closest friends for guidance and support but

255. Caveman are not known for their sensitivity.

256. Look, Ishbo, reality Fardart is gone.

257. You were never in her league anyway, man.

258. Right, now you don't have to waste your time with any flase hopes.

259. Look, your stud brother is marryin'. And he's gonna be clubbin' her all day and all night.

260. So your mind will forget it. - Yeah, get laid.

261. Dude, listen.

262. Fact that Fardart wants to marry your idiot brother

263. just cause he's gonna be the head of the tribe someday,

264. that don't sum it up nothing well. She's a shallow bitch.

265. You just whack one over the head and get it over with, man.

266. I don't know. I just seems cold. Maybe if I was just better looking than I could get girls.

267. Maybe they were right.

268. Maybe I was using excuses to mask my deep seeded insecurities about women.

269. I was in a major depression.

270. This Fardart and Thudnik thing had hit me in my deepest level.

271. Could it be that I never express my love for Fardart earlier because I was afraid that she would accept it?

272. What a pathetic thought.

273. I was at my lowest point and at a total lost is to what to do next.

274. That's when I saw, her.

275. Her name was Ugna.

276. I'd watch a grow up a gangly little girl.

277. But as if overnight, she'd matured into a beautiful woman.

278. Suddenly, a surge of masculinity overtook me.

279. If Fardart was unavailable, I couldn't just pine away hoping for some miracle.

280. Screw her! I had to move on.

281. But the first time I felt a freedom to express my manhood.

282. For Ugna was a woman right for the picking. And I was a man hornier than shit.

283. After Ugna didn't appear at the storytelling, a search party was sent to look for the next day.

284. Even though I felt terrible about what had happened, I didn't see how it benefit anyone to confess

285. that I accidently knocked her off a cliff.

286. We found her. Oh, my God, it's horrible.

287. - What happened? - She was picking flowers, there was a cliff.

288. She must've slipped, it's like a hundred feet. Oh man, she's dead.

289. Usually, the tribe would've held the ceremony or funeral and crimated her in the traditional bonfire ritual to the Gods,

290. But because meat was so scares that season, we ate her instead.

291. No, thanks. I'm a little nauseous right now.

292. As the season progressed things were getting more dire.

293. Food was in all time low. I suggested that we wanted to another location might be more fruitful but,

294. we all know how much the others listen to me.

295. I wonder if this shit's edible.

296. I'm sorry, man.

297. Nice.

298. I got one!

299. I'm so proud of you.

300. Now we gotta watch this? Now we gotta look at this?

301. You know, this is ridiculous. If the only fish in this stream are those little ones,

302. I don't know why don't we us my invention?

303. Shut up, Ishbo.

304. No one's interested in that hairbrain thing you call it nut.

305. A net. Look, I'll show it to you. You'll like this.

306. You just hold it onto the water

307. and the current rushes right through all the little holes.

308. I'll be able to catch hundreds of them all in one time.

309. Really? - Yeah.

310. Oh, yeah? That is great, look at this. - You just cast it across.

311. We fish, like we always fish. With spear.

312. Really Ishbo, we've always fish with spears. Why try something new when the old way works?

313. Because if we can think of a better way to fish, maybe we catch more fish.

314. Really, it's about time we start thinking out of the box here, people.

315. An another thing: What the hell is a box?

316. Though we never hung out much together,

317. there was one other member of the tribe who was relegated to out cast status besides me.

318. You know, I guess you're one that was always nice to me so,

319. Anybody is gonna understand me, it's gotta be you.

320. Of course.

321. I don't know if you noticed it but I've never been with a woman.

322. It's a sad coincidence, really. Neither have I.

323. So I'm not the only total loser of the tribe.

324. That's good.

325. Let's not get crazy here, Rog, what's the real problem?

326. The problem is, I don't feel in. You know, I have no desire to club a woman.

327. No interest whatsoever. - Another coincidence. Same with me.

328. I find it needlessly violent and disrespectful. - So you and me were the same?

329. Cut from the same bolt of hide. - Ishbo, why didn't you tell me this before?

330. What the is the matter with you?

331. Sorry, I'm sorry I misinterpreted what you said. I'm so embarrassed.

332. Rog, when I said I hadn't been with a woman it isn't because I don't want to be.

333. Right, it's because you don't find them attractive. I'm sorry.

334. Right. - OK, well, goodbye forever.

335. Wait, wait. Not so fast. - So you are gay?

336. No!

337. It's just because you are, doesn't mean you have to leave the tribe forever. This tribe is your home.

338. But I don't feel welcome here. - Rog, this tribe is your family.

339. The courage you exhibit by openly admiting your preference,

340. may inspire others will feel similarly to speak up unafraid as well.

341. You'll be a pioneer, Rog. You'll be a hero.

342. I've never thought about like that before. You know, I do fell kind of liberated, you know.

343. Like a giant weight's been taken off my shoulders.

344. Ishbo, you've taught me a very valuable lesson here today.

345. You taught me not to be ashamed of who I am.

346. You know what, this is my home. So, I'm not going anywhere.

347. In fact, I'm gonna march right over the tribe and yell: Hey, I am a gay caveman!

348. Listen, Ishbo is gay, he is the gay one.

349. Though the result of Rogs admission didn't go exactly as here I had hoped.

350. I'm sure Rog would've been equally proud to know the sustenance that he provided to the tribe,

351. was greatly needed at this critical time near famine.

352. No, thanks, I'm on a diet. - What's a diet?

353. Isn't that beautiful?

354. Yes, it is.

355. Ishbo! I thought that we were over this.

356. We are best friends soon to be in laws and that's it.

357. I can't help it, allright. Just cause you're marrying my brother

358. doesn't mean I can shut a whole lifetime of feelings off just like that.

359. Well, you're gonna have to try. Really try.

360. You know what your problem is? - What?

361. You too in your head. You always trying to figure out the meaning behind everything.

362. Maybe you just need to turn off your brain for once and be a little more animal.

363. Isn't that what sets us apart from the animals are brains? - Here you go again.

364. Yeah, right, there I go again. Because I, I can't help but believe

365. that we as a species, have the ability to evolve way beyond sticks and stones to who knows what heights.

366. Allright, like, for example, OK?

367. What if it were possible one day to contain light, allright?

368. A lot of light in a very small space and concentrate that light into a very thin beam.

369. Allright? And what if we could use that beam to burn off unwanted hair.

370. I mean, it's possible.

371. You totally insane. You do realize this.

372. - Ish. - Don't marry him, marry me.

373. Ishbo!

374. I'm telling you, you're making a huge mistake. What does he have that I don't have?

375. - You really want me to answer that? - No, forget that question.

376. Bad quesiton, OK? Forget about that but seriously.

377. I really do think you're making a mistake.

378. I mean, sure he's got a lot of cromagnetism now

379. but once the giddy dumb face wears off, you guys gonna have nothing to talk about.

380. Come on, marry me.

381. Not gonna happen, right?

382. We can blame a guy for tryin'. - I suppose.

383. Can't you just be happy for me?

384. In normal circumstances, your brothers bachelor party sholud be a joyous occassion.

385. But for me, it was the opposite.

386. Have a little drink bro.

387. Ishbo, my little Ishbo. We gotta hang out more often.

388. You know, do more brotherly things together like, club chicks, double team.

389. You know, things that brothers should do together. - Thudnik, aren't you about to be married?

390. Good one.

391. Look Ish, I know you always had your little heart set on Fardart.

392. And I know I stole her away from you, even though you never had a shot anyway.

393. But, I want you to know I understand the situation here.

394. I'm gonna tell you something that I think it's gonna make everything a lot better.

395. Thanks Thudnik, I appreciate that, thank you.

396. She's a shitty lay.

397. Girl's got no instincts for getting the groove on, you know, she's a rhythm killer.

398. Horrible flexibility, and she gives a toothie bj.

399. You know, that's what I'm trying to tell you Ishy, is you're not missing out on shit.

400. Maybe I'm not clubbing her hard enough but I can barely even get a legs open, you know.

401. I mean, granted, it's good when I get it in there, but I gotta work for it.

402. Who wants to do that?

403. You know it. Well, you don't really know what I'm talking about, do you?

404. You're right Thudnik, I feel a lot better now.

405. Thank you, may I have sip of that please?

406. Knock yourself out.

407. To get drunk, the tribe drank a beverage that consisted of stream water,

408. fermented berries, mashed grub worms, and urine.

409. I put some extra piss in there, for you.

410. Kiss me, Ishbo.

411. What am I done?

412. After a long morning of throwing up, I gathered my spear.

413. Seems Zig and Zog had discovered some fresh wolly mammoth tracks,

414. So for the first time in months, we're on the hunt.

415. You know, I really should be back at the tribe. I'm actually wolly mammoth phobic.

416. Call me crazy, I don't know but it just seems like giant fur covered pachyderms that eat people are terrifying.

417. On that note, I'm actually gonna head back, if you don't mind. I'll see you guys later.

418. You turn around and I spear you in the back.

419. My father, folks. That's my dad.

420. I can taste it already, man. - Yeah, wooly burgers, dude.

421. Dibs on the asshole.

422. Hey, Borg, do you have more that water?

423. Sorry, dad. - What?

424. What's the matter with you? Watch this!

425. Hold this.

426. Here!

427. Great. Now I'm completely defenceless out here. I have to go back now.

428. Good bye.

429. Keep walkin'.

430. What the hell is this supposed to be? We're hunting wooly mammoth, not duck.

431. It's not duck camouflage, you idiot.

432. It's called a visor. Keeps the sun out of my face.

433. You know how delicate my skin is?

434. Are you retarded?

435. Let's go.

436. Hello melanoma.

437. Wait, I got a rock in my shoe. I got a rock in my shoe, hold up.

438. Jesus.

439. - Prints look pretty fresh, dude. - It's about to be close by.

440. It was clear he's going that way.

441. - It looks to this tracks... - Wow, those are some really big feet.

442. Well, you know what they say about big feet. Big johnson, like me.

443. Came from behind these hills.

444. And looks to these tracks, he's alone.

445. What the hell is this now?

446. There's something wrong with that gentlman.

447. That had to hold to my penis.

448. Now, do you see why these stupid things are bad idea?

449. Humans were not meant to wear pants.

450. My prototype!

451. I think he went over.

452. Goddamn, what the hell happened there?

453. It's poo. I fell in poo.

454. You know boy? You are dummer than dinosaur dumb.

455. - Eww, it reeks, man. - Yeah, try takin' a mud bath in it.

456. What was it eating?

457. I don't think we wanna know what was eating.

458. Look...

459. Why don't you reach back in there again and see if you can find anything else.

460. Something could help us with the hunt. Let's see what we are up against.

461. - Why me? - Because we're already covered with the stuff.

462. That's a Binadraks nackles. They all wear 'em.

463. That thing ate a whole Binadraks.

464. He's probably unarmed. We're fine. We have spears.

465. That a good sign. Anything else?

466. Couple of his friends.

467. You know what? That's it!

468. Call me a chicken, spear me in the back, I don't care.

469. That thing ate three whole Binadraks,

470. and used its spear as a toothpick, OK?

471. I'm going back to the camp now, allright?

472. If you need me, I'll be under a nice damp rock, crying.

473. Sayounara, suckers.

474. Holy Shit. Ishbo get out of his mouth!

475. No, my brother got eaten by a wolly mammoth, let's get over it, knock with the hunt.

476. You got the arrow right in his ass, man.

477. I'm the king of the world.

478. Ishbo, God, you stink.

479. Bravo, not bad guys!

480. Let's congratulate these newly weds.

481. They will fill our tribe with future hunters, warriors.

482. Now it was official. Thudnik and Fardart were married.

483. I spilled my heart to her and it made no difference.

484. She loved my brother.

485. Why is it that love can be more painful than being eaten by wolly mammoth.

486. How can an abstract concept actually feel more powerful than giant grinding bicuspids?

487. Just didn't make sense.

488. Maybe love was a cruel joke being played on us by the Gods.

489. Perhaps they laugh at our weakness when it comes to this silly feeling.

490. Hell, maybe there aren't even any Gods after all. What do I know.

491. Help! Everybody, come quick!

492. Hurry up! Come quick! Help!

493. What the hell is this now?

494. Ishbo, is this, I don't wanna hear your stupid... - No. A Binadraks spy.

495. A Binadraks spy, look.

496. A Binadraks spy.

497. That's right, he came up behind me with a rock and he was gonna bash my skull and...

498. He was sneaking right up behind me. And my keen sense of perception betrayed him.

499. Because I sensed him there and so then I, I grabbed him around the head and...

500. flipped him over my back and I got him a scissor-lock with my legs.

501. And then when I felt that I had weakened him slightly

502. I used my wooly mamouth bone and I cracked him over the skull and knocked him unconcious.

503. It was nothing.

504. We can torture him

505. for their battle plans.

506. This is just another Binadraks spy. His name is Krots.

507. And he is one of the Binadraks most ruthless assassins.

508. Ruthless assassin?

509. He's also reputed to have mystical powers.

510. He bind the minds of animals and make them do his evil bidding.

511. He was probably sent here to kill me.

512. Way to go, Ishbo.

513. You saved my life. Thank you my son.

514. Way to go, Ishbo.

515. Some kind of magnificent hero or something, man.

516. It was the best what he was did ever. Where did you find the courage?

517. Well, you know, courage isn't found Fardart, You either born with it or you're not.

518. I guess I was just born with it.

519. Where am I? - Shut up, Binadraks spy.

520. What the hell with the Binadraks up to?

521. Spill your guts scumbag or I'll rip them out your stomach and hang you from a tree with them.

522. Ooh, that sounds nasty.

523. What sounds nasty is when I bite your tongue off

524. and spit it back in your mouth so you can have some fun with yourself.

525. I'm not telling you anything. Not telling you nothing.

526. If he changes his mind

527. after we introduce him to Mr. Fire.

528. You tell us, or I'm gonna slowly burn your flesh while you begging for mercy.

529. Shit...

530. You want me to tell you warplan? My war plan?

531. You can infect me with all the bodily harm you wish to infect me

532. You can cut off my toes, you can cut of my fingers, you can cut off my nose, you can cut off my penis,

533. you can pour burning firing ashes into my ass but you know what?

534. I will not tell you anything! Nothing!

535. Are we clear? - Well, if it's torture you want,

536. Ishbo, pull off his shoes.

537. Maybe Zog should do it, because I'm actually late for my high colonic right now.

538. That was good.

539. Smells good to me.

540. Here Ishbo, brush off his feet.

541. so we can set him on fire.

542. Ok, ok, I'll talk.

543. I'll tell you my war plan. I'll tell you my war plan just stop tickling me.

544. Krots sang like a canary. He revealed that his plan was indeed to kill my father,

545. to weaken our tribes leadership.

546. Then, on the morning after the next full moon, the Binadraks were planning their big attack.

547. While everyone was in the cave strategizing our retaliation war plan,

548. I was giving the important task of guarding the prisoner.

549. What are you looking at big nose?

550. Nobody stinks up on old Ishbo the tickler and gets away with it.

551. You know, sometimes, I tickle people, just for lookin' at me funny.

552. You know, I'm mean. I'm a mean mofu.

553. You know, one time I tickle the guy so hard, he exploded. You should have seen this.

554. Messed me up inside, filled me with hate.

555. I hate you.

556. That's why I wanna tickle you,

557. You know what I'd like to do right now? I'd like to tickle you head right off.

558. Shame the others wanna keep you alive.

559. Cause you know what I'd like to do to you?

560. What would you like to do to me?

561. I'd like to give you your feather back, sir.

562. What is it, where is he? Hey, Ishbo, where is he?

563. He's like gone.

564. - Ishbo, you had one job. - He's a mystical assassin.

565. I don't know how to... What am I...

566. - Listen I... - One job, moron.

567. Our intelligance has been compermised.

568. By tomorrow, that filthy spy will be at Binadraks headquarters.

569. reporting all our most sensitive military secrets.

570. What secrets? - Shut up, Ishbo.

571. You're disgrace to the tribe. You're lucky we don't stone you to death for treason.

572. - Well... - Cause I would, oh, yeah.

573. All able bodied men will report for basic training at dawn.

574. Gentleman, we are at war.

575. Can I make a suggestion, please?

576. I told you to shut up! - Dad?

577. Make it quick. - Allright, I know this may sound crazy.

578. It's just so crazy it might work. Let's flee.

579. Come on, Ishbo...

580. Bullshit.

581. A Moonagongoons do not flee. - Dad, can I bash his skull now?

582. Just hear me out for a second, please. Allright?

583. What are we fighting for? OK, does anyone even remember why we're at war with the Binadraks?

584. Show off hands, please.

585. Allright, now we're finally getting somewhere.

586. If we can pinpoint the origins of this conflict maybe we can reach some sort of peaceful resolution.

587. Old Fool, you've been around longer than anybody.

588. What started this sensless wars with the Binadraks in the first place?

589. I put a baby wombat up my rectum a couple hours ago.

590. And from the feel of things it's still alive up there.

591. Company, fall in! Atten-hut!

592. Allright ladies, let's looks like an army.

593. Suck in those guts. stick out those chest.

594. Clinch those butt-tops.

595. Are you a bunch of yellow belly sissy?

596. Sir, no, sir. Are you ready to kill?

597. Sorry, I'm late Thudnik. I was just scrawling my last will and testament on the cave wall.

598. Just in case, you know.

599. Is there any way to address the commanding officer, maggot?

600. Sir! When addressing a commanding officer, you always show respect for his command by saying, sir!

601. We have to be so dramatic? I mean, this's just us.

602. This army will not tolerated subordination.

603. If you refuse to address your commanding officer as sir! It will be taken as a hostile gesture,

604. and you will be charged with treason and executed. Do you understand?

605. Yes, sir!

606. Sir, yes, sir.

607. Yes, sir, sir.

608. No, not "Yes, sir, sir".

609. Sir, yes, sir.

610. That's what I said: "Sir, yes, sir", sir.

611. High knees, high knees, high knees!

612. Come on, Ishbo, go. Get the lead out.

613. Come on, Ishbo, move

614. move, move, move. Ok, go.

615. I want my logs back in line! I want my logs back in line!

616. What? Get back here. Where you think you're going, Ishbo?

617. Are you fucking retarded?

618. Come on, Ishbo, let's see your belly crawl.

619. This is the easiest one. You can not mess this up.

620. Do it with the elbow. Do it with the el... No, that is not belly.

621. It's not belly crowl course! Hey, Ishbo, that's army property!

622. I'm getting very confused. Is it, allright, hold on. Is it: "Yes, sir, sir"? Sir.

623. Or is it: "Yes, sir, yes, sir?" Sir.

624. Or is it: Yes, sir. Sir, yes, sir, sir?

625. That's good for footing. That's what I like. That's climb and conquer.

626. Now, that is climb and conquer.

627. See how he's got his foot up there in the west side ledge? That's you do it.

628. Ishbo!

629. This is the stupidist thing I've ever seen in my life, Ishbo.

630. Sir, yes, sir. Sir, yes, sir.

631. Sir, yes, sir. Sir, yes, sir. Sir, yes, sir.

632. Is that so hard? - No.

633. Sir, no, sir.

634. What the hell's matter with you? - Here we go again.

635. Full moon came up fast. Tomorrow morning was the big war.

636. As any good leader would, dad gave his traditional pep talk to the troops on the eve of battle.

637. Man, tomorrow we fight in the honor of our cave.

638. Some of us may not make it out alive.

639. But know this: It is a cause worth dying for.

640. Well, that's debatable.

641. No dissension among ranks: You are with us or you are against us.

642. Which is it, Ishmo? - Ishbo, dad. - Oh, whatever.

643. Failure is not an option.

644. Failure is not an option!

645. Failure is not an option! Failure is not an option.

646. Hey Bork, who is that guy? - I thought that it was with you.

647. With me? Who do I know?

648. You don't think he is a Binadraks spy to you? - Ishbo, would you shut up?

649. I'm trying to set myself up for battle.

650. Excuse me, do I know you?

651. Ishbo, benim. - Who?

652. Fardart, what are you doing here?

653. Look like you would fight for our cave.

654. Have you lost you mind? War is no place for a girl. Let's get the hell out of here.

655. We're gonna discuss this later. - Let's hope.

656. Oh, shit!

657. Don't start fight without me!

658. Jesus!

659. Hey, Bork. Bork!

660. It's awesome! That was awesome!

661. Dad! Dad, are you OK?

662. No, Ishbo, I'm not OK.

663. I don't know, Dad. It doesn't look so bad.

664. I mean, I'm sure you hope, you'll... I'm sure you'll pull through

665. Come closer.

666. Ishbo. You always were an idiot.

667. My fathers last words.

668. Fardart, you saved my life!

669. The Moonagongoons has set women to fight their battles?

670. I shall surely take pleasure in this spoil.

671. I was paralyzed with fear. I turned to Thudnik to tell him that dad was dead,

672. and Fardart had been kidnapped. As the new head of the tribe, he took charge,

673. in his own, inimitable fashion.

674. Retreat! Retreat!

675. Thudnik!

676. Get all the club back there. Get all the club.

677. We have to go save Fardart. I can't believe you people.

678. Get Fardart, will you? We gotta get out of here before the Binadraks come.

679. Wait a minute, wait a minute, didn't we just go to war to defend this cave?

680. Dad died for this cave. Now we just all up and leaving?

681. Oh, this awful cave? You father liked this place but I never liked this place very much.

682. Come on, get your little inventions and let's go.

683. I can't believe what I'm hearing. Thudnik, Fardtart is your fart.

684. Who knows what those Binadraks are doing to her, right now.

685. Exactly. You think I wanna touch that bitch again after the Binadraks seed is spoiled her?

686. Beside, plenty other women to club.

687. Hey, what's up?

688. You know what? I'm going to save her, then.

689. Ishbo, you leave right now, and you'll be deem to deserter and that's treason, which is punishable by death.

690. Mom?

691. Nice shot, mom.

692. Well, if rescuing the woman that I love since childhood is treason then I'm guilty as charged.

693. Screw you, screw you, screw all of you. Good bye.

694. Ishbo, get back here. - No, I'm going.

695. Get back here, Ishbo! - What can you do about it?

696. Ishbo, get back here. - This is me leaving. - Ishbo, come on guys, let's get him!

697. You better.. Ishbo, if I ever see you again, I'll kill you.

698. You hear me? Kill you.

699. Pack it up. Come on.

700. The further I traveled the clearer it became.

701. I'd always assumed that the answer to lifes riddles were so complicated.

702. But could the meaning of life really just be about love?

703. Love was more powerful than a charging wolly mammoth, a ruthless assassin spy,

704. and a war.

705. Once Fardart saw that Thudnik and the tribe had abondoned her,

706. and that I had risked life and limb to save her.

707. I knew she would finally see that I was the only man for her,

708. And she, only woman for me.

709. Freeze! Or die, male stranger.

710. Me?

711. Shit.

712. Look at this pa-thetic excuse for male. - This is a mistake. - Shut up.

713. Release him.

714. Idiot.

715. Thank you, Ovaria. Oestrogenia, Vixette and Titsia.

716. So, what have we here? A little worthless nibbling man.

717. We, the citizens of Gynaecropolis despise men.

718. We were once members of other tribes, tribes led by men.

719. We were relentlessly clubbed and dragged into caves against our will over and over again.

720. Finally we said no more.

721. We rosed up against our enslavers, killing them all.

722. Creating our own tribe.

723. Now we make love to each other, with the tenderness and patience necessary.

724. So that each member of our tribe achieves multi orgasmic satisfaction.

725. Really?

726. Now we travel primitive landscape, liberating every woman we meet, and killing every man.

727. Listen, I'm not like other cave man, OK?

728. I'm anti-clubbing. I always have been. What, I'm serious.

729. I've had many many conversations with my own tribe about this very clubbing issiue.

730. I see men and women is equal. I don't wanna club a girl over the head.

731. I wanna get to know her. And then if a romantic sparking night,

732. I want the physical component of our relationship

733. to be an organic expression of our compatibility.

734. Are you shitting me or you're for real?

735. No, it's a 100% for real.

736. Allright, I left my own tribe for oppressing me just like you guys do it with you tribes.

737. You are in luck, wimpy man.

738. I've decided just to spear you pathetic life.

739. Thank you, I really appreciate that, thank you. And you know what?

740. Under one condition: You impregnate every woman in this tribe.

741. You know, I really don't have the time right now. I'm sorry, what did you say?

742. Because your nature is clearly that of a wuss. I see as a non-threatening male.

743. Therefore I have chosen you to sleep with every woman in this tribe,

744. that's insure propogation of our kind. You will start with me.

745. But first ladies, scrub his filty penis, asshole and balls.

746. Wait, wait, I have to tell you something. - What?

747. I can't believe I'm about to say this. But, I don't think I can do this.

748. So you're a fag. - No, I'm in love with another woman.

749. And I've left my entire tribe behind and everything I've ever known.

750. And... you're extremely hot.

751. And the members of your tribe are very hot.

752. I would love

753. to have sex with you, guys.

754. I'm just afraid that, if I do, that'll be cheating on her.

755. And I can't do that to the woman I love.

756. You've all been so nice, and... Thanks for everything.

757. And I'm really really sorry.

758. But, thanks, but no thanks.

759. Why, you little worm?

760. Queen Fallopia offers you a flawless body, and all you can say is thanks, but no thanks?

761. Do you do how many men have literally died trying to get into this loincloth.

762. And I offer to you as a gift of a lifetime and you say thanks, but no thanks?

763. You're a dead man.

764. My nail!

765. Come here, you little, man.

766. Get him!

767. Men!

768. Those Gynaecropolistes had totally thrown me off course.

769. I wondered the desert for days completely lost.

770. If I didn't finf those Binadraks soon, I was vulture meat for sure.

771. What the hell are you doin'?

772. Did you know the difference between water and sand?

773. It must've been a mirage.

774. Is that really you dad, or are you a mirage, too?

775. What the hell do you think? I got my head onto my arm.

776. But, you look so real. - Ishbo,

777. I'm sorry, I called you an idiot.

778. - Thanks, dad. - You're actually complete moron.

779. Turning your back on the tribe, risking you life with the Binadraks,

780. Blowin' absolute guaranteed ass from those incredible Amazon chicks,

781. And for what?

782. A woman doesn't even love you.

783. Turn back, Ishbo.

784. Turn back.

785. You know what? I'm tired of you always criticising and calling me stupid.

786. Who is the one who's got his head still attached, ha? Me. Not you, me.

787. You know what, she will love me. You'll see.

788. You're completely full of shit.

789. Though my father was constantly mean to me when he was alive,

790. in death, he did made a favour of a lifetime.

791. Inadvertently, led me to Binadraks headquarters.

792. Thanks, dad.

793. It's me. It's me. Fardart, it's me.

794. Ishie? What the hell you doing here? - I'm here to rescue you.

795. Rescue me? - Yeah, Thudnik was pathetic.

796. He turn tail and ran like a coward. The whole tribe followed him.

797. I tried to across the whole desert just to save you. All by myself.

798. Why would you do anything like that? - Because I love you, Fardart.

799. I love you so much. And I finally figured out

800. the only thing that matters, the answer to every question and the most powerful force in all of nature,

801. is love.

802. Kiss me.

803. What's the matter? I thought we're supposed to kiss and I'm gonna rescue you and we're gonna run away

804. and set up on tribe and we're gonna live happily ever after.

805. I'm glad you worked out of these whole little fantasy for yourself.

806. But anything gonna happen. Who said that I wanted to be rescued?

807. These Binadraks are way better than Moonagongoons ever were.

808. I'm married to a bigger, stronger, better looking chief than Thudnik ever was.

809. We have more food, much bigger cave,

810. He's a much bigger club, if you know what I mean.

811. Plus, I got these. - What have they done to you?

812. Quit with the pollyanna routine already.

813. It's survival of a fetus out here. And as first lady of the Binadraks,

814. I intend to do what ever is necessary to gurantee my place the evolutionary chain.

815. You know what? They brainwashed you. You have no idea what you're saying.

816. Come on, I'm rescuing you.

817. - Come on, we're going. - Let go!

818. Moonagongoons spy!

819. Moonagongoons spy! - Kill him now!

820. Hurry.

821. - Queen Fallopia! - The wussy man!

822. Oh, you little... - Get him ladies.

823. Holy crap, is that Ishbo?

824. Let's get him.

825. I'm wore-out, goddamn it. This is bullshit.

826. And I was at this moment that I realized

827. Maybe everybody was right all alone.

828. Maybe striving to evolve beyond our a lot of sticks and stones was a fool's errand.

829. Maybe we were just destined to be small tribes wondering the plains.

830. Leaving no indelible mark on history whatsoever.

831. 2 MILLON YEARS LATER

832. All paleolithic people lived by hunting and gathering.

833. Would you stop doodling please and look at me. Thank you.

834. Hunting and gathering. That means no TV dinners, no fast fries.

835. They lived around 2 million to 400 thousand years ago.

836. Come this way, I'm gonna show you an exquisite example

837. of everyday prehistoric life around the communal cave.

838. Now there is no gameboy, no Ice Box, no cell phone.

839. Life everyday was a constant struggle just to survive.

840. Now, using actual bones, the express from the museum have reconstruck him,

841. what there cave peoples probably look like.

842. Short and fat.

843. This way, please.

844. I wanna show you over here- Turn the cell phone off please.

845. Well, I turns out I was right.

846. Human beings did have the potential to evolve after all.

847. Of course if that's good luck, it does mean now I'm trapped in a museum,

848. and kids throw their gum at me.

849. You know, sometimes I do think about my inventions and my tribe and Fardart.

850. But this point I really only have one regret.

851. I died, only ever having had sex with a monkey.

852. I'm not dead yet, you motherfucker and asshole, cocksucker...