1. "Home Movie"!
For "Home Movie" press one.Copy !req
2. For "Happy Easter"
press two.Copy !req
3. What are you doing?Copy !req
4. For a terrible
"Thanksgiving," press three.Copy !req
5. You're confusing our children.Copy !req
6. For "Happy Kwanzaa," press five.Copy !req
7. I don't think so.Copy !req
8. Aha!Copy !req
9. Mm-hmm, happy Halloween.Copy !req
10. Mmm, fire.Copy !req
11. Fire.Copy !req
12. My children have been turned
into fire-breathing dragons.Copy !req
13. It's your mother
and she's in a horrible moodCopy !req
14. and a birthday cake for you.Copy !req
15. You're so scary.Copy !req
16. Happy birthday-slash-
Halloween, Jack and EmilyCopy !req
17. Happy birthday-
slash-Halloween to...Copy !req
18. Hmmm?
Oh, yes, make a wish.Copy !req
19. - Make a wish.
- You guys ready?Copy !req
20. Ready?
Blow out the candles.Copy !req
21. They're not blowing out.Copy !req
22. Oh, she got them.
Nope, they're still lit!Copy !req
23. - Hey hey!
- Jack!Copy !req
24. Fire, Mmm...Copy !req
25. Five four three two one.Copy !req
26. Ready or not,
here we come!Copy !req
27. I'm not wearing mine either.
I'll wear yours.Copy !req
28. I'll wear yours. ICopy !req
29. - Which way does it go?
- Any way.Copy !req
30. No, I'm not wearing it.Copy !req
31. - Okay, I'm not wearing yours either.
- Here.Copy !req
32. - Hey, come here.
- What are you doing?Copy !req
33. Oh no, oh.Copy !req
34. Good evening...Copy !req
35. and welcome to haunted
ghost house sightings of...Copy !req
36. ghosts.Copy !req
37. They're down here.Copy !req
38. Ah ha ha!Copy !req
39. Honey, I think I know
where they are.Copy !req
40. - Where?
- Hold the camera.Copy !req
41. - Careful.
- Baby...Copy !req
42. if I don't make it back, I just want
you to know how much I... whoa!Copy !req
43. I'm all right... ouch!Copy !req
44. Are you okay?Copy !req
45. What is it?Copy !req
46. Nothing but a fire-breathing dragon.Copy !req
47. Nice!Copy !req
48. Okay, come on, guys.Copy !req
49. - Game over. Mommy's tired.
- Where are they?Copy !req
50. Aha! We found them!Copy !req
51. Okay, guys, come on.
Turn off the flashlights.Copy !req
52. Jack and Emily Poe.Copy !req
53. Turn off the flashlights.Copy !req
54. - It's not good for the camera.
- Listen to your mom, guys.Copy !req
55. - Come on.
- Such cooperative children.Copy !req
56. Turn off the flashlights
or I'll turn off the camera.Copy !req
57. That's better.Copy !req
58. Oh, you got me.Copy !req
59. Oh, you got me.Copy !req
60. Did you just bite me?Copy !req
61. Bringing the heat on.Copy !req
62. Nice!Copy !req
63. Fake out!Copy !req
64. Now batting...Copy !req
65. Number 31...Copy !req
66. Jack... Poe...Copy !req
67. centerfielder,Copy !req
68. the Connecticut Cormorant.Copy !req
69. All right.Copy !req
70. Come on, you can do it!Copy !req
71. Nice!Copy !req
72. Aw, come on, Jack!Copy !req
73. Whoop... oh!Copy !req
74. Into the woods.Copy !req
75. - Holy cow.
- Oh, rats!Copy !req
76. - Nice hit, son.
- That was good!Copy !req
77. Good job, baby.Copy !req
78. Oh. Little help, hon?Copy !req
79. - What?
- Little help.Copy !req
80. - What do you mean?
- A little help!Copy !req
81. - You want me to get it?
- A little help.Copy !req
82. - You get it.
- Little help.Copy !req
83. - My God.
- A little help.Copy !req
84. Do I have to do
everything around here?Copy !req
85. I'm the pitcher.
My arm, my leg...Copy !req
86. - they gotta relax and rest.
- Your arm? My arm.Copy !req
87. - Come on, hon.
- I got it... okay.Copy !req
88. Okay...Copy !req
89. Yay. Oops,
got some woods here.Copy !req
90. Hurry up, hon!Copy !req
91. I think I found
some poison ivy.Copy !req
92. Makes sense.Copy !req
93. And I just saw
a jackal... that's good.Copy !req
94. Poison ivy, more snakesCopy !req
95. and a jackal.Copy !req
96. I'm, like,
so glad we just movedCopy !req
97. to the middle of nowhere.Copy !req
98. Hey, Em!Copy !req
99. Have you seen
your dad's ball?Copy !req
100. Okay, well, um...Copy !req
101. I'm gonna go look over here.Copy !req
102. I thought you said
you didn't see it.Copy !req
103. Listen, how about I shoot
your guys's clubhouse, huh?Copy !req
104. That might be cool for you guys to look
back at when you're older, right?Copy !req
105. "No parents allowed." Hmm.Copy !req
106. Is that all parents
or is that just me and your dad?Copy !req
107. Ah. Okay.Copy !req
108. Well...Copy !req
109. I'm gonna go
watch the game.Copy !req
110. Do you want to come?Copy !req
111. You can ride in the wagon.Copy !req
112. Are you playing dead?Copy !req
113. Again, right here.Copy !req
114. It's going right there.Copy !req
115. I love the zoom on this.Copy !req
116. Zoom!Copy !req
117. Oh, big swing and a miss.Copy !req
118. The big fella...
notice the form though?Copy !req
119. - Very nice.
- See that?Copy !req
120. Make a smiley face.Copy !req
121. Good job.Copy !req
122. - I'll take that. I'll take that.
- Whoa!Copy !req
123. High-five, put it there.
All right, thank you.Copy !req
124. Come on, Em!
Give your dad a hand!Copy !req
125. - Yeah!
- Home run.Copy !req
126. Whoo!
Good, baby, good.Copy !req
127. Watch this guy.Copy !req
128. One more,
one more, one more.Copy !req
129. - Whoop!
- What was that, a rock?Copy !req
130. What?Copy !req
131. What?
What's the matter?Copy !req
132. - We're done.
- What happened?Copy !req
133. - He's throwing rocks at me.
- What?Copy !req
134. Du-duh!Copy !req
135. Du-duh!
Du-duh! Du-duh!Copy !req
136. Du-duh! Du-duh!
Du-duh!Copy !req
137. Today we're going to learn
about the ancient art of raking.Copy !req
138. Raking was first discoveredCopy !req
139. by a Chinese mountain
task force in 1802.Copy !req
140. My lovely assistant Jack PoeCopy !req
141. is raking today because
he's being punished for throwingCopy !req
142. a rock at his dad's head.Copy !req
143. What you got, Jack?Copy !req
144. A dead bug.Copy !req
145. This is where we employ
the notorious garbage bag technique.Copy !req
146. And there you have it, kids.
That's our lesson for today:Copy !req
147. Dead things go in trash bags.Copy !req
148. Love is in the air, can you feel it?Copy !req
149. Hmmm? Yes?Copy !req
150. Don't let me
keep you up. Okay.Copy !req
151. It's Friday,
November 9th, 10:30 PM.Copy !req
152. It's Clare and I's
10th wedding anniversary...Copy !req
153. and I'm gonna go
attempt a most dangerous stunt.Copy !req
154. But before I go,
in case I don't come back,Copy !req
155. Jack, I want you to know
how much I love you.Copy !req
156. And, Emily, I love you
very very much too.Copy !req
157. So, um, well...Copy !req
158. this stunt is most dangerous.Copy !req
159. I wouldn't have anybody,
uh, attempt itCopy !req
160. if you're amateur
or if you're faint of heart.Copy !req
161. I'm gonna go try and jumpCopy !req
162. all 206 of my wife's bones.Copy !req
163. Okay, bye. Wish me luck.Copy !req
164. Oh... shit!Copy !req
165. Great. Give me this.Copy !req
166. Happy anniversary.Copy !req
167. You better not have
the camera in here!Copy !req
168. I don't have the camera in here.
What do you think I am, a pervert?Copy !req
169. Yeah!Copy !req
170. "'The Mask of Sanity, '
by Hervey M Cleckley."Copy !req
171. Some people
have booze. My wife has books.Copy !req
172. - Ah... come here.
- No!Copy !req
173. - Cheese plate?
- That's a cheese plate?Copy !req
174. - Yes, and that's a box of wine.
- I'm not drinking wineCopy !req
175. - that comes out of a box.
- Kiss me, elitist.Copy !req
176. I am not an elitist.Copy !req
177. Come on, I just moved
our family hereCopy !req
178. to the middle
of the woods six months ago.Copy !req
179. - I'm not an elitist.
- You're an elitist.Copy !req
180. Kiss me, elitist.Copy !req
181. Mmm, this cheese isn't bad.Copy !req
182. - Are you seducing me?
- Huh-uh, I would never do such a thing.Copy !req
183. Well, um, it's too bad for you.Copy !req
184. I can't have sex right now
because I have a lot of work to do.Copy !req
185. - You always have work to do.
- Yeah, so we have money to spend.Copy !req
186. - Right.
- Money to spend.Copy !req
187. Isn't this how
the Paris Hilton video got started?Copy !req
188. No, I think it was...Copy !req
189. Oh, you... bastard!Copy !req
190. Oh, where's my towel?Copy !req
191. Oh!
You are dead!Copy !req
192. - You are so bad.
- Bad...Copy !req
193. do you mean like
"bad good" or "bad bad"?Copy !req
194. I mean like bad,
nasty, evil bad.Copy !req
195. You're supposed to be
a pastor, you know.Copy !req
196. Yeah, I'm Lutheran,
not a Catholic.Copy !req
197. Well, I am a doctor,
not a whore.Copy !req
198. Say happy anniversary...Copy !req
199. - to the camera, will you?
- No.Copy !req
200. So we have something
to remember when we're old,Copy !req
201. decrepit and farting
all over each other.Copy !req
202. We're not gonna be farting
all over each other. That's disgusting!Copy !req
203. We're gonna be farting
all over each other.Copy !req
204. We're gonna die
in a conflagration of farts.Copy !req
205. - Yeah, your farts.
- Somebody's gonna light a matchCopy !req
206. and we're gonna go...Copy !req
207. Not my farts.Copy !req
208. Come on, say happy anniversary
to the camera for posterity's sake.Copy !req
209. Happy anniversary. And now
you can take the camera out of hereCopy !req
210. because it is supposed to be for my work
because I've spent a lot of money on it.Copy !req
211. I thought it was supposed
to be soft-core porn?Copy !req
212. No?Copy !req
213. - I can't believe...
- I can't believe how sexy you are.Copy !req
214. Take your clothes off.Copy !req
215. I thought you'd never ask!Copy !req
216. Get in here.Copy !req
217. Is that the dog?Copy !req
218. - Why does he always do this?
- Hegel, fermez la bouche.Copy !req
219. David,
please, with the camera.Copy !req
220. I feel like I'm on
"The Real World" or something.Copy !req
221. "The Real World"?Copy !req
222. Where's Emily?Copy !req
223. Oh, isn't that
the most precious thing?Copy !req
224. It's not precious. It's weird.Copy !req
225. It's not weird...
the two of them in bed together?Copy !req
226. They're getting too old for this.Copy !req
227. It's the cutest thing
I've ever seen.Copy !req
228. "The Story
of the Dragon and the Paper Bag,"Copy !req
229. by Micky Powell.Copy !req
230. "Once upon a time,
in a land far far away,Copy !req
231. there lived the most hideous
two-headed dragonCopy !req
232. in all of history.Copy !req
233. And this dragon had
this dream of eatingCopy !req
234. all the boys
and all the girls in town.Copy !req
235. In fact,
'twas more than a dream...Copy !req
236. 'twas a plan.Copy !req
237. On Halloween next,
when all the boys and all the girlsCopy !req
238. wear their paper-bag masks
to school,Copy !req
239. the dragon decided that he was going
to wear his own paper-bag mask.Copy !req
240. And, thus disguised,Copy !req
241. he set forth
for the schoolyard.Copy !req
242. On the schoolyard,
the schoolkids were surprisedCopy !req
243. by the sight
of their new student.Copy !req
244. 'You're too tall, ' they said.Copy !req
245. 'You have two heads, '
said another child.Copy !req
246. 'You can't be one of us.
You must be the dragon. 'Copy !req
247. 'Trust me, '
the dragon answered,Copy !req
248. 'I'm one of you. 'Copy !req
249. 'Oh, yeah?
Prove it, ' they said.Copy !req
250. 'Take off your mask. 'Copy !req
251. The dragon knew that
that was something that he couldn't do.Copy !req
252. 'What I can do, ' he said,
'is talk like you.Copy !req
253. I can walk like you.Copy !req
254. Shoot, I can even
dance like you. 'Copy !req
255. 'Do it, ' said the children.Copy !req
256. And, indeed,
the dragon walked,Copy !req
257. talked and danced just like
he was one of them.Copy !req
258. And the children
were so convincedCopy !req
259. that they invited him to sing
their songs with them.Copy !req
260. They invited him
to play in their games.Copy !req
261. And when the bell rang
for lunch,Copy !req
262. they invited him
inside to eat with them.Copy !req
263. 'Thanks, ' said the dragon,Copy !req
264. 'but I prefer to eat outside. 'Copy !req
265. 'Outside? ' says the children.Copy !req
266. 'But whatever will you eat? 'Copy !req
267. The dragon responded, 'You. 'Copy !req
268. And with that,Copy !req
269. the dragon took off
his paper-bag mask,Copy !req
270. revealing
the two hideous heads.Copy !req
271. The children
started to scream,Copy !req
272. but their screams were soon swallowed
inside the dragon's stomach."Copy !req
273. That was perhaps the mostCopy !req
274. vastly inappropriate
fairy tale I've ever heard.Copy !req
275. Hon, it's an allegoryCopy !req
276. for, you know,
"Don't trust strangers."Copy !req
277. Good night, Steven.Copy !req
278. Good night, Lou.Copy !req
279. Good night, Nikolai...Copy !req
280. commie bastard.Copy !req
281. Hello, my name
is Dr. Clare Poe.Copy !req
282. It is the 10th
of November, 2006.Copy !req
283. This is video diary number one.Copy !req
284. Patient's name: Billy Tomlinson, 11,Copy !req
285. diagnosed with prodromal VEOSCopy !req
286. at the Children's Hospital
in Philadelphia,Copy !req
287. where I am currently chief resident
of the child psychiatry unit.Copy !req
288. Patient meets all diagnostic criteria,
including disorganized speech,Copy !req
289. alogia, catatonic features
and persistent delusions,Copy !req
290. with no fewer than three hallucinatory
episodes in the past three months,Copy !req
291. in which Billy claimed
there was, quote,Copy !req
292. "a man made of nails"
living under his bed.Copy !req
293. 10mg Abilify,Copy !req
294. 10mg Loxapine.Copy !req
295. In less than a week,
this binary treatmentCopy !req
296. vanquished Billy's delusions,Copy !req
297. sending this "man made of nails"Copy !req
298. back to whatever synapse
misfiring he came from.Copy !req
299. Scheduled appointment,
including blood work,Copy !req
300. for next Tuesday, the 14th.Copy !req
301. Hi. It's November 18th.Copy !req
302. Hi. It's November 18th.Copy !req
303. I'm your host David Poe,
and this is "America's Funniest,Copy !req
304. Most Embarrassing
Home Videos."Copy !req
305. Today the kids have
their Thanksgiving Day party at school.Copy !req
306. Mom's dressed them as something.
We're gonna find out what.Copy !req
307. You guys look
so cute, I'm gonna vomit.Copy !req
308. The follies of youth
are fast forgotten, not to worry.Copy !req
309. Unless, of course,
Dad happens to be filming them.Copy !req
310. Listen to you.Copy !req
311. Honey, did you make
your own lunch?Copy !req
312. - I'm sorry, you look great.
- They look great!Copy !req
313. Fantastic, absolutely.Copy !req
314. What did you make?
That's... come on, please...Copy !req
315. Give them a break.
Did you make bologna?Copy !req
316. No? PB&J?Copy !req
317. No? Well...Copy !req
318. why don't we just see
what our little manCopy !req
319. is bringing to the fourth grade
Thanksgiving feast, huh?Copy !req
320. If he can make a sandwich,
I think you can every once in a while.Copy !req
321. - No, I can't.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
322. - What'd you make, Jack?
- Oh!Copy !req
323. Hey, boy.Copy !req
324. On this episode of "Clare Poe:
Turkey Proctologist Extraordinaire,"Copy !req
325. we... ooh, "Rectum?
Damn near killed 'em!"Copy !req
326. Huh? Huh?Copy !req
327. Jack! Emily!Copy !req
328. I'll get 'em.Copy !req
329. Come on, guys,
it's time to eat.Copy !req
330. Your mom's been working
on this turkey all day.Copy !req
331. Some apples?Copy !req
332. Looks really good,
doesn't it?Copy !req
333. Dear Lord...Copy !req
334. Thank you.Copy !req
335. Thank you for providing us
this most bountiful feast.Copy !req
336. Most importantly, we thank you
for providing us with each other,Copy !req
337. with love,
for this ThanksgivingCopy !req
338. we owe to You,Copy !req
339. our most trusted
and holy God.Copy !req
340. Thank you for my wife,
my beautiful wife,Copy !req
341. thank you for my childrenCopy !req
342. and thank you for this life,
which is indeed blessed.Copy !req
343. So let us pray.Copy !req
344. Dear blessed Lord,
we thank you for the gifts that you...Copy !req
345. What was that?Copy !req
346. That was your children
being disrespectful.Copy !req
347. Well, we're not gonna eat
this turkey until they pray.Copy !req
348. - Okay.
- All right.Copy !req
349. Dear blessed Lord, thank you for the
gifts that you have provided for us...Copy !req
350. What are you guys doing?Copy !req
351. - Let's just eat, okay?
- I'm serious.Copy !req
352. We are not gonna eat
until you pray.Copy !req
353. David, come on.Copy !req
354. Dear blessed Lord,
please give us Your...Copy !req
355. that you have provided for us...Copy !req
356. What are you guys doing?Copy !req
357. Hi, I'm Boy Scout leader
David PoeCopy !req
358. and you're gonna learn
about an ancient art todayCopy !req
359. called lock picking.Copy !req
360. You won't find it in the manual,Copy !req
361. but you will
find it here. Come on.Copy !req
362. All right? Bobby pin?Copy !req
363. Got it. Okay now, Jack,
first thing you wanna do:Copy !req
364. Open up said bobby pin,Copy !req
365. peel off the little rubber bit...Copy !req
366. put it into the lock like so.Copy !req
367. All right, make three circles
counterclockwiseCopy !req
368. until you feel it...
Go like that.Copy !req
369. There you go.Copy !req
370. And lock picked.Copy !req
371. Slide it to the left.Copy !req
372. Okay, this is
the one-handed bowline.Copy !req
373. It's a very important knot,
maybe the most essential knot.Copy !req
374. It's un-get-out-of-able,
un-undoableCopy !req
375. unless of course you wanna undo it
and you have two hands.Copy !req
376. I'm gonna show you how
to do it with one hand. Ready?Copy !req
377. Go like this...
go around the tree.Copy !req
378. And that right there
is a bowline, all right?Copy !req
379. I want you to do one.
Give me one second.Copy !req
380. Emily, you watching?Copy !req
381. Look at that. There he is.Copy !req
382. There's old Nikolai.Copy !req
383. Perfect.Copy !req
384. Dad's,Copy !req
385. Jack's.Copy !req
386. Perfect!Copy !req
387. Did you see that?Copy !req
388. Emily, you're next.
Are you ready?Copy !req
389. I scream, you scream.
We all scream for... ow!Copy !req
390. A little help.Copy !req
391. I thought you were
going jogging.Copy !req
392. I did. I was.
For about three miles.Copy !req
393. So I'm out there
in the middle of the woodsCopy !req
394. and I took a left where I usually...Copy !req
395. anyways, there's this
inlet road there,Copy !req
396. and off in the distance
I heard this music, right?Copy !req
397. And it's weird,
but it sounds familiar,Copy !req
398. so I jog a little closer
and I see this truck,Copy !req
399. this ice-cream truck.
And I flagged him down.Copy !req
400. He was coming toward me and I say,
"Hey, man, listen, it's a little loudCopy !req
401. at 7:00 in the morning
for you to be playing the musicCopy !req
402. the way you're playing it.Copy !req
403. Would you mind turning it down
a little?" He says, "No problem."Copy !req
404. Real nice guy,
and he gives me two ice-cream cones.Copy !req
405. How about that?Copy !req
406. I know you don't generally have
ice cream before you go to school,Copy !req
407. but today's an exception.Copy !req
408. Our kids don't deserve
ice cream right now.Copy !req
409. They deserve a lecture
from their fatherCopy !req
410. because what they did was wrong.Copy !req
411. I know you're right. I've been
thinking about that.Copy !req
412. Here's what I thought.Copy !req
413. Why don't we make a movie?Copy !req
414. Spend more family time together?Copy !req
415. John, Paul...Copy !req
416. and George.Copy !req
417. Sorry, Ringo!
Come on, guys, let's go!Copy !req
418. Perfectly decent Christmas trees just
waiting for us to put an axe in them!Copy !req
419. There you go.
It's chillyCopy !req
420. Scarf on...
oh, please!Copy !req
421. Who loves you?Copy !req
422. Do you love me? Hmm?Copy !req
423. Sleep in heavenly peace...Copy !req
424. Ruh-roh.Copy !req
425. What are you guys saying?Copy !req
426. Doing that thing they do.Copy !req
427. I don't like that thing.
It's like their own language.Copy !req
428. Stop that, okay?Copy !req
429. Can you show me what
you're drawing?Copy !req
430. You guys, secrets aren't nice.Copy !req
431. Honey, secrets are essential.Copy !req
432. Our children work
for the Honduras CIA Task Force.Copy !req
433. Where am I turning?Copy !req
434. I don't know,
just turn up there somewhere.Copy !req
435. - Shouldn't there be a sign?
- I don't know.Copy !req
436. We live in the middle
of the woods, we don't need a signCopy !req
437. - to tell us where the trees are.
- Okay, I just farted.Copy !req
438. Ho ho ho!Copy !req
439. Hey hey!
No running with the saw!Copy !req
440. Christmas tree farm!Copy !req
441. - How could you let Jack carry a saw?
- Trees of all sizes!Copy !req
442. I carried a saw.
My dad let me when I was 10 years old.Copy !req
443. - It's like a coming-of-age thing.
- It's dangerous.Copy !req
444. Hey, how 'bout this one?Copy !req
445. That tree's, like, anorexic.Copy !req
446. - You're a pastor.
- "American Idol," look out.Copy !req
447. The first noelCopy !req
448. The angels did sing...Copy !req
449. That's almost kind of scary.Copy !req
450. La la la la la la laCopy !req
451. You're my everything.Copy !req
452. "And Cain...Copy !req
453. and Cain said to Abel, his brother,
'Let us go out in the field. 'Copy !req
454. And when they were
in the field, Cain rose upCopy !req
455. against his brother Abel
and killed him.Copy !req
456. Then the Lord said to Cain,Copy !req
457. 'Where is Abel your brother? 'Copy !req
458. He said, 'I do not know.
Am I my brother's keeper? 'Copy !req
459. And the Lord said,
'What have you done?"'Copy !req
460. "So...Copy !req
461. so... so...
so this Christmas...Copy !req
462. let's do more than
just open gifts.Copy !req
463. Because we are...Copy !req
464. all of us...
our brother's keeper.Copy !req
465. Let's follow
in Christ's footsteps.Copy !req
466. Let's...Copy !req
467. Let's fight evil on
a daily basis because then,Copy !req
468. and only then,Copy !req
469. can we call ourselves
Christians,Copy !req
470. worthy in the eyes
of the Lord."Copy !req
471. No one wants to hear
this shit on Christmas Eve.Copy !req
472. You just suck.Copy !req
473. You suck...Copy !req
474. so so much.Copy !req
475. You suck.Copy !req
476. Ah, hey!
Beautiful! You did it!Copy !req
477. - We have connection?
- We have connection.Copy !req
478. - Tell me, Santa.
- Anything, little girl.Copy !req
479. What is the secret
to your gluteal success?Copy !req
480. Santa uses
a Stairmaster, baby.Copy !req
481. Mmm, nice, I like it.Copy !req
482. - Eww, no presents for you!
- Ho ho ho!Copy !req
483. Ho ho ho!Copy !req
484. Come on, guys!Copy !req
485. Rise and shine!Copy !req
486. It's a gastrointestinal Christmas!Copy !req
487. You're all invited to participate.Copy !req
488. Did you bring
your whoopee cushion?Copy !req
489. All right, guys,
who's ready for Christmas?Copy !req
490. - All right, it's Christmas time!
- Yeah.Copy !req
491. What do we have here?Copy !req
492. - What is this?
- Presents!Copy !req
493. Open 'em up.
Let's see what we got.Copy !req
494. Oh my God!Copy !req
495. Can't stop it,
I just can't stop itCopy !req
496. Can't stop it,
I just can't...Copy !req
497. Stop it!Copy !req
498. I got presentsCopy !req
499. So many presents.Copy !req
500. Super Soaker.Copy !req
501. Ah ha ha ha!
How 'bout them apples?Copy !req
502. - That's not fair.
- What?Copy !req
503. Jack Mathias Poe,
put that water gun down right now.Copy !req
504. Right now,
right this instant!Copy !req
505. Hey hey hey...
not in the house!Copy !req
506. Not in the house!Copy !req
507. Ooh hoo hoo!
The game is on!Copy !req
508. Come on, come on,
come on!Copy !req
509. - The game is on!
- Okay, now... don't get the camera!Copy !req
510. Not in here.Copy !req
511. Yesterday morning,
the 25th of December...Copy !req
512. Christmas...Copy !req
513. Jack and Emily crucified
the family cat.Copy !req
514. My children need help.Copy !req
515. As a doctor,
as their mother, it is...Copy !req
516. My children need help.Copy !req
517. Jack
and Emily Poe, age 10.Copy !req
518. October 31st, 1997.Copy !req
519. No prenatal trauma,Copy !req
520. no temporal lobe epilepsy
or amygdala damage.Copy !req
521. Asperger's disorder possible,
but unlikely.Copy !req
522. Malicious intent falls
into the category of conduct disorder,Copy !req
523. a precursor to adult ASP
or anti-social personality disorder.Copy !req
524. Either the MMPI or the PCL-R
will have to be administeredCopy !req
525. to test the ambit and extent of Jack
and Emily's psychopathology,Copy !req
526. the ambit and extent of...Copy !req
527. their malice.Copy !req
528. Ha ha, and welcome
to another New Year's Eve,Copy !req
529. our first here
at the Poe household.Copy !req
530. We're gonna usher in
a year of prosperity,Copy !req
531. love and a healthy buzz...Copy !req
532. which I've been nursing
since 5:00 this afternoon.Copy !req
533. Nyeh nyeh nyeh.Copy !req
534. Indians.Copy !req
535. Oh my God.Copy !req
536. David, I'm blowing my nose.Copy !req
537. - God.
- Hi, honey.Copy !req
538. - You ready?
- Do you mind?Copy !req
539. - I don't mind at all.
- Good Lord.Copy !req
540. Hi! Okay, can you
put it down now?Copy !req
541. - Cheers.
- Cheers!Copy !req
542. - Happy New Year.
- Mm-hmm!Copy !req
543. Are you ready?Copy !req
544. - Oh, boy.
- Um, no. I just, um...Copy !req
545. I'm thinking that...Copy !req
546. maybe we shouldn't
go out tonight.Copy !req
547. You know?Copy !req
548. The kids...
God, stop it.Copy !req
549. The kids are fine.
They're fine. Besides, Madre,Copy !req
550. you deserve a night out.Copy !req
551. Yeah, but we just...
we never go out.Copy !req
552. And that's the point.
Exactly why we should go out.Copy !req
553. Come on.Copy !req
554. We'll go out.
We'll go to our old stomping grounds.Copy !req
555. We'll hit the city, we'll tear it up,Copy !req
556. we'll have some fun,
see some old friends.Copy !req
557. Just for one night.Copy !req
558. Okay.Copy !req
559. Is the babysitter here yet?Copy !req
560. Huh-uh.Copy !req
561. Well, maybe we should
call her, okay?Copy !req
562. Okay.Copy !req
563. Sorry.Copy !req
564. How much did you drink?Copy !req
565. Nothing.Copy !req
566. Not anything.
Not much of anything.Copy !req
567. - You know what happens.
- Yeah, I do,Copy !req
568. and I don't want that.Copy !req
569. That's gonna be
my New Year's resolution.Copy !req
570. - Pfft.
- What?Copy !req
571. Well, what's gonna be yours?
What's your resolution?Copy !req
572. Secret.Copy !req
573. Secrets are cool.
That's what we have around here, right?Copy !req
574. Oh, yeah, okay.Copy !req
575. That's why you don't want
to go into the city, isn't it?Copy !req
576. 'Cause you don't want to see
people we used to know.Copy !req
577. 'Cause just they might ask
that inevitable question:Copy !req
578. "David, Clare,
how are the kids?"Copy !req
579. Can you turn
the camera off, please?Copy !req
580. Sure, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you turn it off?Copy !req
581. You tell the camera
your New Year's resolution,Copy !req
582. then you can turn it off.Copy !req
583. Come on, I told mine.Copy !req
584. I promise
I won't watch it.Copy !req
585. You should turn the camera off!
The battery's gonna die!Copy !req
586. I'm not talking into the camera.Copy !req
587. Hello.Copy !req
588. For you.Copy !req
589. Ding-dong.Copy !req
590. Yeah, I'm gonna smoke.Copy !req
591. New Year's resolution.Copy !req
592. Here we go.Copy !req
593. I resolve...Copy !req
594. I resolve to...Copy !req
595. not quit smoking.Copy !req
596. I want...Copy !req
597. I want this family to beCopy !req
598. the family thatCopy !req
599. I thought it would beCopy !req
600. when I thought about having
a family in the first place,Copy !req
601. because... this isn't.Copy !req
602. It's...Copy !req
603. I feel like I don't
know these people.Copy !req
604. There are strangers
in my house.Copy !req
605. Mom, help.Copy !req
606. What are you doing?Copy !req
607. Oh my God!
What is this?Copy !req
608. - I didn't do that.
- Well, that's...Copy !req
609. Were you rough-housing
with Daddy?Copy !req
610. - Who hurt you? Did Daddy hurt...
- Well...Copy !req
611. Be quiet, David!Copy !req
612. Who hurt you?
Did Daddy bite you?Copy !req
613. - Who bit you?
- The man.Copy !req
614. - What man?
- The man in the closet.Copy !req
615. January 1st, 2007,Copy !req
616. 4:06 AM.Copy !req
617. Multiple bite marks foundCopy !req
618. on both Jack and Emily's
torso and arms.Copy !req
619. Bites so deep they left,
for lack of a better word,Copy !req
620. craters in their flesh.Copy !req
621. It is worth noting,
in the interest of full disclosure,Copy !req
622. a bit of the past
when it comes to my husband.Copy !req
623. David was,
as a child, abused.Copy !req
624. Abused children,
as proven by Piaget,Copy !req
625. are predisposed as adults
to abusing their own children.Copy !req
626. All I know is there'sCopy !req
627. a lot I don't know
about my husband.Copy !req
628. I know he drinks more than
he should, and when he...Copy !req
629. Oh, this is specious.Copy !req
630. Children have
overactive imaginations.Copy !req
631. The man in the closet
is not real,Copy !req
632. but the bite marks are.Copy !req
633. Who's been biting
my children?Copy !req
634. Ooh, you're pretty.Copy !req
635. Ooh, you look upset.Copy !req
636. Surprise!
Happy Valentine's day, hon!Copy !req
637. - How was Philly?
- I'm taking the kids to my mother's.Copy !req
638. - You're doing what?
- If you want to haveCopy !req
639. a normal conversation
like two normal adult people,Copy !req
640. I'd be happy to do that
but I am not doing this.Copy !req
641. Our kids are not normal.Copy !req
642. We can't move
into the middle of nowhere,Copy !req
643. raise them in this Norman Rockwell
world, expect everything...Copy !req
644. - nothing's changed. It didn't work!
- What's your point?Copy !req
645. My point is that there's
something bad in this houseCopy !req
646. - and it isn't me.
- Our children are behaving badlyCopy !req
647. because they themselves have
been treated badly.Copy !req
648. It is rudimentary cause and effect,
symptomatic of a larger problem.Copy !req
649. I can't believe you're
a psychologist. I can't believe it.Copy !req
650. You don't even know
your own kids are psychotic.Copy !req
651. - Our children are not psychotic.
- They crucified the fucking cat!Copy !req
652. Okay? They put goldfish
in a sandwich.Copy !req
653. They put the frog in vise grips.
I saw them eating raw meat!Copy !req
654. Obvious revolt
from two abused children.Copy !req
655. Say it to the camera.
Say I abused our children.Copy !req
656. - Say it to my face.
- It's not...Copy !req
657. - Go ahead!
- I'm not gonna say it to the camera.Copy !req
658. All right, say it to me.
Go ahead, say I abused our children.Copy !req
659. It's not you.
It's the fucking camera.Copy !req
660. I'm taking the children
to my mother's.Copy !req
661. No, you're not, Clare.Copy !req
662. Their bodies were covered
in bite marks.Copy !req
663. - I didn't do it!
- Well, then who did,Copy !req
664. the man in the closet?Copy !req
665. Um, February 14th, 1:45 PM.Copy !req
666. While the student body
of St. Walter's was attendingCopy !req
667. a St. Valentine's Day
assembly in the cafeteria,Copy !req
668. Jack and Emily cornered a boy,Copy !req
669. Christian McNamara, age nine,Copy !req
670. one grade below them,Copy !req
671. into the boys' bathroom.Copy !req
672. Once inside,
they locked the doorCopy !req
673. and began
to bite him repeatedly.Copy !req
674. And they just wouldn't stop.Copy !req
675. The boy is fine,
uh, medically,Copy !req
676. but Jack and Emily
have been expelled.Copy !req
677. It's clear to me now
that no oneCopy !req
678. was biting Jack and Emily.Copy !req
679. Jack and Emily were
biting each other.Copy !req
680. This has to stop.Copy !req
681. Emily?Copy !req
682. Emmy?Copy !req
683. Emily?Copy !req
684. Hey, honey.Copy !req
685. The shade is down.Copy !req
686. You ready to talk to me
about what happened?Copy !req
687. 'Cause I'm ready to listen.Copy !req
688. Why did
you hurt Christian McNamara?Copy !req
689. Because you did
hurt him, you know.Copy !req
690. They said that
after you bit him, he was bleeding.Copy !req
691. You broke the skin
but you kept...Copy !req
692. Why did you keep biting him?Copy !req
693. This picture, this drawing that
you and Jack did,Copy !req
694. it seems like
you had it all planned out.Copy !req
695. You were gonna bring him into the
bathroom and lock the door, right?Copy !req
696. Well, honey, in court,
that's called premeditated.Copy !req
697. Why did you hurt him?Copy !req
698. Baby, do you know how...Copy !req
699. do you know
how in churchCopy !req
700. I talk about how for every
good thing that God does,Copy !req
701. Satan does a bad thing?Copy !req
702. Well, just like
there are angels on the earth,Copy !req
703. there's also demons
and they can go everywhere.Copy !req
704. Do you think there are
bad things in this house?Copy !req
705. Who's the man in the closet?Copy !req
706. Emily?
I need to talk to your father,Copy !req
707. so would you go downstairs, please,
and please stay out of Jack's room?Copy !req
708. Right now.Copy !req
709. Thank you.Copy !req
710. I'm taking the camera.Copy !req
711. Oh, so you get to film
the children but I don't,Copy !req
712. is that it?
It's a family camera, you know.Copy !req
713. It's not yours.Copy !req
714. I use it for my work.
Jack is my work.Copy !req
715. Jack is your son.Copy !req
716. All right, Jack,Copy !req
717. now we're gonna do what's called
a Rorschach test, okay?Copy !req
718. All you have to do is
look at the pictures.Copy !req
719. Tell me what you see.Copy !req
720. It's okay, Jack,
Mommy's not gonna get mad, all right?Copy !req
721. You just have to look
at the pictures.Copy !req
722. Just tell me what you see.Copy !req
723. Okay, I'll take the pictures
back now, Jack.Copy !req
724. Give me the pictures.Copy !req
725. I'm beginning a...Copy !req
726. a course in, uh,
psychopharmacology.Copy !req
727. 10mg Clonidine.Copy !req
728. Exorcism doesn't exist
for Lutherans.Copy !req
729. Nor does it exist, really,
in practice for CatholicsCopy !req
730. or for any Christians,
for that matter.Copy !req
731. Yellow in the morning,Copy !req
732. white in the afternoon,
pink in the evening.Copy !req
733. It's a practice that's deemed...Copy !req
734. archaic.Copy !req
735. Never ever take more
than one pill at a time.Copy !req
736. Never ever take more
than one pill at a time.Copy !req
737. Do you understand?Copy !req
738. Otherwise your body will go
into what we call "a conscious coma."Copy !req
739. We've somehow today
deemed it more palatableCopy !req
740. to reduce John Wayne Gacy's
33 murdersCopy !req
741. to the fact that
he was abused as a child.Copy !req
742. 10mg Haldol...Copy !req
743. 10mg Vesprin.Copy !req
744. I got news for you...Copy !req
745. there is evil
in this house.Copy !req
746. Leave this house in Christ.Copy !req
747. Leave this house in Christ.Copy !req
748. Leave this house
in Christ.Copy !req
749. Leave this house in Christ.Copy !req
750. This is my house!
These are my children!Copy !req
751. Leave my fucking children alone!
Get the fuck out of my house!Copy !req
752. Leave this house
in Christ.Copy !req
753. Leave this house
in Christ!Copy !req
754. Stay down,
stay down!Copy !req
755. "The children of the kingdom
will be cast into outer darkness,Copy !req
756. and there shall be weeping,
there shall be gnashing of teeth."Copy !req
757. Leave this house in Christ!Copy !req
758. - David? David?
- Leave this house in...Copy !req
759. Leave leave leave leave!Copy !req
760. Leave leave!Copy !req
761. Leave leave!Copy !req
762. Leave leave!Copy !req
763. It's okay, the evil is gone.Copy !req
764. April 8th, 2007.Copy !req
765. Easter Sunday.Copy !req
766. Two months have passed.Copy !req
767. I'm happy to report that
since my last report,Copy !req
768. Jack and Emily's
antisocial behavior has surceased.Copy !req
769. The Haldol and Vesprin show
no negative side effects,Copy !req
770. allowing them
to successfully reenter school.Copy !req
771. Much to our surprise, they have
befriended Christian McNamara,Copy !req
772. inviting him over
to hunt for Easter eggs,Copy !req
773. proving once again
that there is no good child,Copy !req
774. there is no bad child,Copy !req
775. there is only diagnosis.Copy !req
776. - And with the diagnosis, treatment.
- You're insane.Copy !req
777. I have treated my children.Copy !req
778. Hey, guys, what are you doing?Copy !req
779. - Hey, Dad.
- Hi, Daddy!Copy !req
780. - Hey, Mr. Poe.
- Hi, honey. Hey, Christian.Copy !req
781. - Are my kids being good to you?
- Yeah.Copy !req
782. - Outstanding.
- Hi, Dad.Copy !req
783. Hey, what's going on?
Hi, honey.Copy !req
784. - How are you?
- Good.Copy !req
785. What are you guys up to?
Are you having fun?Copy !req
786. - Mm-hmm.
- Nice. How about this?Copy !req
787. Is this embarrassing you?Copy !req
788. - Yes.
- Huh?Copy !req
789. - Okay, what are you building?
- A fort.Copy !req
790. Yeah? You have
enough blankets to build a fort?Copy !req
791. - Mm-hmm.
- All right, build it strongCopy !req
792. because William Tecumseh
Sherman's coming.Copy !req
793. Too young
for Fort Sumter jokes?Copy !req
794. - No, I got it.
- It's not funny?Copy !req
795. - Nah, kind of.
- Okay.Copy !req
796. We're gonna get ready
for the Easter egg hunt.Copy !req
797. - Okay.
- In a half an hour.Copy !req
798. Can I see by show of hands
who wants to hunt Easter eggs?Copy !req
799. Outstanding. Okay, we're gonna
do it in half an hour, okay?Copy !req
800. - Mm-hmm.
- Synchronize watches.Copy !req
801. - All right.
- We're not wearing watches.Copy !req
802. - Bye, Daddy!
- Bye, Mr. Poe.Copy !req
803. - Hey, I love you.
- I love you too, Daddy.Copy !req
804. - I love you, honey.
- I love you too.Copy !req
805. - See you in the kitchen.
- Okay!Copy !req
806. All right?Copy !req
807. Cutest kids in the world.Copy !req
808. I'm gonna do
a little recap for the kids.Copy !req
809. 10 years ago,
Easter, you and I?Copy !req
810. Oh, Mr. Romance.Copy !req
811. Yes, children,Copy !req
812. your father was walking
out of a church,Copy !req
813. looked across the quad.
He spotted your mother,Copy !req
814. the patented
David Poe charm kicked in and...Copy !req
815. You could almost hear it.
We got to talking.Copy !req
816. Yeah, you got to talking.
I got to staring,Copy !req
817. wondering what you were
doing with a Bible in your hand.Copy !req
818. Mm-hmm, and she said
with all requisite sarcasm...Copy !req
819. "Are Jehovah's WitnessesCopy !req
820. and other religious typesCopy !req
821. allowed to flirt with co-eds?"Copy !req
822. I said, "No, Jehovah's Witnesses
are not requiredCopy !req
823. by law to flirt
with co-eds, however...Copy !req
824. Lutherans are."Copy !req
825. And I explained...Copy !req
826. Yes, with a great deal
of condescension, I might add.Copy !req
827. with a great deal
of condescensionCopy !req
828. that if she had any doubts
about this fact,Copy !req
829. that she might want to present herself
at the divinity school keggerCopy !req
830. on Friday night at midnight
because the Theology departmentCopy !req
831. at Harvard is, bar none,
party central on campus.Copy !req
832. - That was our first date.
- It was our first date.Copy !req
833. And you didn't think the beer
was good enough for meCopy !req
834. - so you brought, um...
- Come.Copy !req
835. - Um, you brought me...
- A box of wine.Copy !req
836. - A box of wine.
- Wine that comes from a box.Copy !req
837. - Mr. Romance.
- Johnny Romance.Copy !req
838. And I asked youCopy !req
839. what could
a psychiatrist and a pastorCopy !req
840. - ever have in common and...
- I said, "Faith."Copy !req
841. and you said faith.
Faith.Copy !req
842. That the two of us, more than any other
people, could actually help people.Copy !req
843. That's right.
And I do love you,Copy !req
844. but I don't believe in Freud.Copy !req
845. That's okay.
I don't believe in God.Copy !req
846. That's okay. He believes in you.
He believes in this family.Copy !req
847. That makes three of us.Copy !req
848. Is that a carrot in your pocket
or are you just happy to see me?Copy !req
849. As a matter of fact...Copy !req
850. Oh my God.Copy !req
851. it is a carrot.Copy !req
852. That came from
the strangest place.Copy !req
853. - Would you like a bite of my carrot?
- You know I would.Copy !req
854. - See?
- Why, I oughta...Copy !req
855. Junior filmmaker bunny.Copy !req
856. Mr. Bunny, Mr. Filmmaker.Copy !req
857. Jack, Emily! Come on down,
it's time to hunt for Easter eggs!Copy !req
858. That's the TV.Copy !req
859. It's so frickin' loud.Copy !req
860. "Frickin" '?Copy !req
861. Yeah, I said frickin', sorry.Copy !req
862. Jack, Emily!Copy !req
863. Hey, the TV.Copy !req
864. It's so loud...Copy !req
865. - Hey, what's up?
- They're not here.Copy !req
866. - They're not here? What do you mean?
- I don't know.Copy !req
867. Jack?Copy !req
868. Emily?Copy !req
869. Oh, what's reeking?Copy !req
870. Oh, Jack.Copy !req
871. No.Copy !req
872. No.Copy !req
873. Oh God.Copy !req
874. Because it's Easter Sunday
and our children are minors...Copy !req
875. DCFS, against our better wishes,Copy !req
876. has given us custody
of our childrenCopy !req
877. until the court
arraignment tomorrow.Copy !req
878. Tonight will be
their last night in this house.Copy !req
879. Tomorrow they will be
charged as minors...Copy !req
880. with, uh, one count ofCopy !req
881. unlawful restraint,
one count attempted murderCopy !req
882. with a provision III clause
of juvenile detentionCopy !req
883. until the age of 18.Copy !req
884. Tomorrow morning,
Jack and Emily are...Copy !req
885. Gonna go away.Copy !req
886. Like AbrahamCopy !req
887. sacrificed Isaac,Copy !req
888. so we must sacrifice
our children.Copy !req
889. But even still...Copy !req
890. I love my children.Copy !req
891. How can I not love my sonCopy !req
892. and my baby girl?Copy !req
893. Come on. Come on.Copy !req
894. Honey.Copy !req
895. - What?
- We can stop.Copy !req
896. No.Copy !req
897. - Come on, let's finish.
- No no no.Copy !req
898. We're not gonna show this...Copy !req
899. to anyone,Copy !req
900. so we're not
talking to anyone.Copy !req
901. We are talking to ourselves.Copy !req
902. Understand that?
We're talking to ourselves.Copy !req
903. I'm sorry.Copy !req
904. - I'm sorry.
- That's okay.Copy !req
905. I'm sorry.Copy !req
906. I'm sorry.Copy !req
907. DCFS, against our better wishes,Copy !req
908. has given us custody
of our childrenCopy !req
909. until the court
arraignment tomorrow.Copy !req
910. Hi, and welcome to
"The Jack and Emily Show."Copy !req
911. I'm Jack.Copy !req
912. I'm Emily.Copy !req
913. Let's have some fun.Copy !req
914. You're quiet in there.
I can't even hear you,Copy !req
915. but I know you're there.Copy !req
916. Let's have
a staring contest.Copy !req
917. I dare you to stare
until our movie's done.Copy !req
918. I bet you
you can't.Copy !req
919. - Jack!
- Please stop!Copy !req
920. Stop! Oh my God!Copy !req
921. Stop it!
Oh, God, please!Copy !req
922. Jack, stop!
Jack, what are you doing?Copy !req
923. Stop it! Stop! ICopy !req
924. Please!Copy !req
925. And action.Copy !req
926. Untie me, untie me.Copy !req
927. - I'm gonna call the police!
- Untie me.Copy !req
928. Untie me!Copy !req
929. They cut...
they cut the phone lines.Copy !req
930. Take the baseball bat.Copy !req
931. - Get the fucking bat.
- What?Copy !req
932. - Get the bat, Clare.
- Where?Copy !req
933. It's upstairs in Jack's room.Copy !req
934. I can't go up there.
It's dark up there.Copy !req
935. Take the camera.
There's a light on the camera.Copy !req
936. There's a switch on the side.Copy !req
937. Get the fucking bat.Copy !req
938. Where's the...
where's the light?Copy !req
939. - It's on the side!
- How do you turn on the light?Copy !req
940. By the handle on the side!Copy !req
941. Clare!Copy !req
942. Clare!Copy !req
943. Clare! Clare!Copy !req
944. Go! Go!Copy !req
945. Jack! Emily!Copy !req
946. Stop this shit right now!Copy !req
947. You listen to your father.Copy !req
948. Untie me.Copy !req
949. Un-fucking-tie me!Copy !req
950. Jack! Emily!Copy !req
951. Jack.Copy !req
952. All right, guys, I can see you
so you don't move, okay?Copy !req
953. If you move, I will break every bone
in your fucking body, do you understand?Copy !req
954. David?Copy !req
955. David!Copy !req
956. - Yeah.
- Do you have everything?Copy !req
957. - Just one more bag.
- Okay.Copy !req
958. - Are you okay?
- I'm fine.Copy !req
959. Are you sure?Copy !req
960. - Honey, are you sure you're okay?
- I just have a headache.Copy !req
961. - That's awfully bright.
- Sorry sorry.Copy !req
962. All right, you guys. This is it.Copy !req
963. You are leaving this house.Copy !req
964. You are not our children.Copy !req
965. I don't know what you are.Copy !req
966. You stay right there. David?Copy !req
967. David?Copy !req
968. Oh my God. David?Copy !req
969. Honey? Honey?Copy !req
970. Oh my God. David?Copy !req
971. Oh my God.
Oh my God!Copy !req
972. Oh my God! Oh my God!Copy !req
973. What did you do?Copy !req
974. Oh my God.Copy !req
975. Oh my God,
did they drug us?Copy !req
976. Oh my God.
You fucking drugged us!Copy !req
977. No!Copy !req
978. Get back!
Get the fuck...!Copy !req
979. Get back!Copy !req
980. Help!Copy !req
981. Help! Help!Copy !req