1. What came first?Copy !req
2. The music or the misery?Copy !req
3. People worry about kids playing
with guns, or watching violent videos...Copy !req
4. that some sort of culture of violence
will take them over.Copy !req
5. Nobody worries about kids listening
to thousands, literally thousands...Copy !req
6. of songs about heartbreak, rejection...Copy !req
7. pain, misery and loss.Copy !req
8. Did I listen to pop music
because I was miserable?Copy !req
9. Or was I miserable because
I listened to pop music?Copy !req
10. You don't have to go this second.Copy !req
11. - You can stay until whenever.
- No.Copy !req
12. - We've done the hard part now, I might as well just—
- Stay for tonight, then.Copy !req
13. Laura—Copy !req
14. You're just gonna—Copy !req
15. My desert island,
all-time top five...Copy !req
16. most memorable breakups,
in chronological order...Copy !req
17. are as follows:Copy !req
18. Alison Ashmore,
Penny Hardwick...Copy !req
19. Jackie Alden, Charlie Nicholson
and Sarah Kendrew.Copy !req
20. Those were the ones that really hurt.Copy !req
21. Can you see your name on that list, Laura?Copy !req
22. Maybe you'd sneak into the top ten.Copy !req
23. But there's just no room
for you in the top five. Sorry!Copy !req
24. Those places are reserved for the kind of
humiliation you're just not capable of delivering.Copy !req
25. If you really wanted to mess me up...Copy !req
26. you should have gotten to me earlier!Copy !req
27. Which brings us to number one
on the top five all-time breakup list:Copy !req
28. Alison Ashmore.Copy !req
29. One moment they weren't there—Copy !req
30. not in any form that interested us, anyway—Copy !req
31. and then the next,
you couldn't miss them.Copy !req
32. They were everywhere.Copy !req
33. And they'd grown breasts.Copy !req
34. Actually, we didn't
even know what we wanted.Copy !req
35. Disturbing, even.Copy !req
36. My relationship with Alison Ashmore
lasted for six hours:Copy !req
37. the two hours after school,
before The Rockford Files...Copy !req
38. for three days in a row.Copy !req
39. But on the fourth afternoon—Copy !req
40. Kevin Bannister.Copy !req
41. Slut.Copy !req
42. It would be nice to think that
since I was 14, times have changed.Copy !req
43. Relationships have become
more sophisticated.Copy !req
44. Females less cruel.Copy !req
45. Skins thicker.
Instincts more developed.Copy !req
46. But there seems to be an element of that afternoon
in everything that's happened to me since.Copy !req
47. All my romantic stories are
a scrambled version of that first one.Copy !req
48. Number two on the top five
all-time breakup list...Copy !req
49. was Penny Hardwick.Copy !req
50. Penny was great looking,
and her top five recording artists...Copy !req
51. were Carly Simon, Carole King,
James Taylor, Cat Stevens...Copy !req
52. and Elton John.Copy !req
53. She was nice.Copy !req
54. Nice manners, nice grades,
nice looking—Copy !req
55. She was so nice, in fact,
that she wouldn't let me put my hand...Copy !req
56. underneath or even on top of her bra.Copy !req
57. Attack and defense.
Invasion and repulsion.Copy !req
58. It was as if breasts were
little pieces of property...Copy !req
59. that had been unlawfully annexed
by the opposite sex.Copy !req
60. They were rightfully ours,
and we wanted them back.Copy !req
61. that I would try to touch her
between her legs.Copy !req
62. It was like trying to borrow a dollar, getting
turned down, and asking for 50 grand instead.Copy !req
63. I wasn't interested in
Penny's nice qualities, just breasts.Copy !req
64. And therefore,
she was no good to me.Copy !req
65. What's the point?
It never goes anywhere.Copy !req
66. Rob?Copy !req
67. I started dating a girl who everyone
said would give it up and who didn't...Copy !req
68. and Penny went with this asshole
named Chris Thompson...Copy !req
69. who told me he had sex with her
after something like three dates.Copy !req
70. I own this store called Championship Vinyl.Copy !req
71. It's located in a neighborhood that attracts
the bare minimum of window shoppers.Copy !req
72. I get by because of the people
who make a special effort to shop here.Copy !req
73. Mostly young men...Copy !req
74. who spend all their time
looking for deleted Smith singles...Copy !req
75. and original, not re-released,
underlined, Frank Zappa albums.Copy !req
76. Fetish properties are not unlike porn.Copy !req
77. I'd feel guilty
taking their money, if I wasn't...Copy !req
78. well, kind of one of them.Copy !req
79. - Morning, Dick.
- Oh, hi. Hi, Rob.Copy !req
80. Have a good weekend?Copy !req
81. Yeah, okay. Um, I found the first Licorice
Comfits album over at Vintage Vinyl.Copy !req
82. The one on Testament of Youth.Copy !req
83. Never released here,
a Japanese import only.Copy !req