1. What came first?Copy !req
2. The music or the misery?Copy !req
3. People worry about kids playing
with guns, or watching violent videos...Copy !req
4. that some sort of culture of violence
will take them over.Copy !req
5. Nobody worries about kids listening
to thousands, literally thousands...Copy !req
6. of songs about heartbreak, rejection...Copy !req
7. pain, misery and loss.Copy !req
8. Did I listen to pop music
because I was miserable?Copy !req
9. Or was I miserable because
I listened to pop music?Copy !req
10. You don't have to go this second.Copy !req
11. - You can stay until whenever.
- No.Copy !req
12. - We've done the hard part now, I might as well just—
- Stay for tonight, then.Copy !req
13. Laura—Copy !req
14. You're just gonna—Copy !req
15. My desert island,
all-time top five...Copy !req
16. most memorable breakups,
in chronological order...Copy !req
17. are as follows:Copy !req
18. Alison Ashmore,
Penny Hardwick...Copy !req
19. Jackie Alden, Charlie Nicholson
and Sarah Kendrew.Copy !req
20. Those were the ones that really hurt.Copy !req
21. Can you see your name on that list, Laura?Copy !req
22. Maybe you'd sneak into the top ten.Copy !req
23. But there's just no room
for you in the top five. Sorry!Copy !req
24. Those places are reserved for the kind of
humiliation you're just not capable of delivering.Copy !req
25. If you really wanted to mess me up...Copy !req
26. you should have gotten to me earlier!Copy !req
27. Which brings us to number one
on the top five all-time breakup list:Copy !req
28. Alison Ashmore.Copy !req
29. One moment they weren't there—Copy !req
30. not in any form that interested us, anyway—Copy !req
31. and then the next,
you couldn't miss them.Copy !req
32. They were everywhere.Copy !req
33. And they'd grown breasts.Copy !req
34. Actually, we didn't
even know what we wanted.Copy !req
35. Disturbing, even.Copy !req
36. My relationship with Alison Ashmore
lasted for six hours:Copy !req
37. the two hours after school,
before The Rockford Files...Copy !req
38. for three days in a row.Copy !req
39. But on the fourth afternoon—Copy !req
40. Kevin Bannister.Copy !req
41. Slut.Copy !req
42. It would be nice to think that
since I was 14, times have changed.Copy !req
43. Relationships have become
more sophisticated.Copy !req
44. Females less cruel.Copy !req
45. Skins thicker.
Instincts more developed.Copy !req
46. But there seems to be an element of that afternoon
in everything that's happened to me since.Copy !req
47. All my romantic stories are
a scrambled version of that first one.Copy !req
48. Number two on the top five
all-time breakup list...Copy !req
49. was Penny Hardwick.Copy !req
50. Penny was great looking,
and her top five recording artists...Copy !req
51. were Carly Simon, Carole King,
James Taylor, Cat Stevens...Copy !req
52. and Elton John.Copy !req
53. She was nice.Copy !req
54. Nice manners, nice grades,
nice looking—Copy !req
55. She was so nice, in fact,
that she wouldn't let me put my hand...Copy !req
56. underneath or even on top of her bra.Copy !req
57. Attack and defense.
Invasion and repulsion.Copy !req
58. It was as if breasts were
little pieces of property...Copy !req
59. that had been unlawfully annexed
by the opposite sex.Copy !req
60. They were rightfully ours,
and we wanted them back.Copy !req
61. that I would try to touch her
between her legs.Copy !req
62. It was like trying to borrow a dollar, getting
turned down, and asking for 50 grand instead.Copy !req
63. I wasn't interested in
Penny's nice qualities, just breasts.Copy !req
64. And therefore,
she was no good to me.Copy !req
65. What's the point?
It never goes anywhere.Copy !req
66. Rob?Copy !req
67. I started dating a girl who everyone
said would give it up and who didn't...Copy !req
68. and Penny went with this asshole
named Chris Thompson...Copy !req
69. who told me he had sex with her
after something like three dates.Copy !req
70. I own this store called Championship Vinyl.Copy !req
71. It's located in a neighborhood that attracts
the bare minimum of window shoppers.Copy !req
72. I get by because of the people
who make a special effort to shop here.Copy !req
73. Mostly young men...Copy !req
74. who spend all their time
looking for deleted Smith singles...Copy !req
75. and original, not re-released,
underlined, Frank Zappa albums.Copy !req
76. Fetish properties are not unlike porn.Copy !req
77. I'd feel guilty
taking their money, if I wasn't...Copy !req
78. well, kind of one of them.Copy !req
79. - Morning, Dick.
- Oh, hi. Hi, Rob.Copy !req
80. Have a good weekend?Copy !req
81. Yeah, okay. Um, I found the first Licorice
Comfits album over at Vintage Vinyl.Copy !req
82. The one on Testament of Youth.Copy !req
83. Never released here,
a Japanese import only.Copy !req
84. Great. Great.Copy !req
85. - I'll tape it for you.
- No, that's okay. Really.Copy !req
86. You liked their second one, you said.
Pop Girls, etc.Copy !req
87. That's the one
with Cheryl Ladd on the cover.Copy !req
88. Oh, you never saw the cover, though.
You just had that tape I made you.Copy !req
89. Yeah, I haven't really absorbed that one yet.Copy !req
90. Well...Copy !req
91. - I'll just make it for you.
- Okay.Copy !req
92. - Dick, what's this?
- It's the new Belle and Sebastian. You like it?Copy !req
93. Holy Shiite.
What the fuck is that?Copy !req
94. It's the new Belle and Sebastian—Copy !req
95. It's a record we've been
listening to and enjoying, Barry.Copy !req
96. Well, that's unfortunate,
because it sucks ass.Copy !req
97. Yours, I assume?Copy !req
98. - It won't go any louder.
- Turn it off!Copy !req
99. Okay, buddy.
Uh—Copy !req
100. I was just trying to cheer us up.
So, go ahead.Copy !req
101. Put on some old sad bastard music.
See if I care.Copy !req
102. I don't want to hear
old sad bastard music, Barry.Copy !req
103. - I just want something I can ignore.
- Here's the thing.Copy !req
104. I made that tape special for today,
my special Monday morning tape for you, special.Copy !req
105. It's fuckin' Monday afternoon!
You should get out of bed earlier.Copy !req
106. Come on, dude.Copy !req
107. Play it. Don't you want
to hear what's next?Copy !req
108. - What's next?
- Play it!Copy !req
109. Say it.Copy !req
110. "Little Latin Loopy-Loo."Copy !req
111. Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels?Copy !req
112. No!Copy !req
113. - The Righteous Brothers.
- Well, never mind.Copy !req
114. No, not "never mind." Tell me right now.
What's wrong with The Righteous Brothers?Copy !req
115. Nothing, I— I just prefer the other—Copy !req
116. - Bullshit!
- How can it be bullshit to state a preference?Copy !req
117. - Since when did this store become a fascist regime?
- Since you brought that tape in.Copy !req
118. Oh, man, that's great! That's the fun
thing about workin' in a record store.Copy !req
119. You get to play crappy pap
you don't even want to listen to.Copy !req
120. I thought this tape was gonna be a fuckin'...Copy !req
121. conversation stimulator, man!Copy !req
122. I was gonna ask you for your top five
records to play on a Monday morning.Copy !req
123. - You just had to fuckin' ruin it.
- We'll do it next Monday.Copy !req
124. No! I wanna do it now!Copy !req
125. I can't fire them. I hired these guys
for three days a week...Copy !req
126. and they just started showing up
every day— that was four years ago.Copy !req
127. Number three in the top five
all-time breakup list?Copy !req
128. Charlie Nicholson.
Sophomore year at college.Copy !req
129. Whoo! Am I glad that's over.Copy !req
130. As soon as I saw her,
I realized she was the kind of girl...Copy !req
131. I'd wanted to meet ever since
I was old enough to meet girls.Copy !req
132. I mean, she was different.Copy !req
133. She was dramatic,
and she was exotic.Copy !req
134. And she talked a lot,
and when she talked...Copy !req
135. she said remarkably interesting things
about music, books, film and politics.Copy !req
136. - And she talked a lot.
- Have you ever seen him less than 300 feet tall?Copy !req
137. - No.
- Huh? No.Copy !req
138. And you won't, will you,
sweetheart? No.Copy !req
139. Kiss my neck.
Yeah.Copy !req
140. And she liked me.
She liked me. She liked me.Copy !req
141. At least, I think she did.Copy !req
142. - Do you like that one?
- Yeah.Copy !req
143. It's okay.
We went out for two years.Copy !req
144. And I never got comfortable.Copy !req
145. Why would a girl, no, a woman
like Charlie go out with me?Copy !req
146. I felt like a fraud.Copy !req
147. I felt like one of those people
who suddenly shave their heads...Copy !req
148. and said they'd always been punks.Copy !req
149. I was sure I'd be discovered at any second.Copy !req
150. And I worried about my abilities as a lover.Copy !req
151. And I was intimidated by other men
in her design department...Copy !req
152. and became convinced she was
gonna leave me for one of them.Copy !req
153. Then she left me for one of them.Copy !req
154. The dreaded Marco.Copy !req
155. Charlie! You fucking bitch!
Let's work it out!Copy !req
156. Just open the fucking door.
Charlie!Copy !req
157. Look, let's talk it—
Char—Copy !req
158. And then I lost it.Copy !req
159. Kinda lost it all, you know?Copy !req
160. Faith, dignity,
about fifteen pounds.Copy !req
161. When I came to a few months later...Copy !req
162. I found to my surprise
I had flunked out of school.Copy !req
163. Started working at a record shop.Copy !req
164. Some people never got over 'Nam, or
the night their band opened for Nirvana.Copy !req
165. I guess I never really got over Charlie.Copy !req
166. But the thing I learned
from the whole Charlie debacle...Copy !req
167. is that you gotta punch your weight.Copy !req
168. You see, Charlie,
she's out of my class.Copy !req
169. She's too pretty.
Too smart. Too witty. Too much.Copy !req
170. I mean, what am I?
I'm a middleweight.Copy !req
171. Hey, I'm not the smartest guy in the world...Copy !req
172. but I'm certainly not the dumbest.Copy !req
173. I mean, I've read books like
Unbearable Lightness of Being...Copy !req
174. and Love in the Time of Cholera.Copy !req
175. And I think I've understood them.
They're about girls, right?Copy !req
176. Just kidding.Copy !req
177. But I have to say...Copy !req
178. my all-time favorite book is Johnny Cash's
autobiography, Cash by Johnny Cash.Copy !req
179. Championship.Copy !req
180. Hi.Copy !req
181. - Hi.
- Um...Copy !req
182. I was thinking I could come by the house...Copy !req
183. and pick up some stuff
while you're at work tomorrow.Copy !req
184. While I'm at work.
While I'm at work.Copy !req
185. - Ooh, boy. Oh boy, oh boy—
- That's what you've got to say...Copy !req
186. is "Oh, boy," and " Bravo."Copy !req
187. - Laura, this is just so dumb.
- Look Rob, I gotta go.Copy !req
188. I'm looking for a record...Copy !req
189. for my daughter for her birthday.Copy !req
190. "I Just Called to Say I Love You."
Do you have it?Copy !req
191. - Yeah. We have it.
- Great. Great.Copy !req
192. - Can I have it, then?
- No. No.Copy !req
193. - You can't.
- Why not?Copy !req
194. It's sentimental, tacky crap. Do we look
like the kind of store that sells...Copy !req
195. "I Just Called to Say I Love You"?
Go to the mall.Copy !req
196. What's your problem?Copy !req
197. Do you even know your daughter?
There's no way she likes that song.Copy !req
198. - Oh-Oh-Oh— Is she in a coma?
- Oh, okay buddy.Copy !req
199. I didn't know it was "Pick On
The Middle-Aged Square Guy" Day.Copy !req
200. My apologies.
I'll be on my way.Copy !req
201. Bye-bye.Copy !req
202. Fuck you.Copy !req
203. Nice, Barry. Really, really nice.
It was top class.Copy !req
204. Rob, "Top Five Musical Crimes Perpetrated
by Stevie Wonder in the '80s and '90s." Go.Copy !req
205. Sub-question: Is it unfair to criticize a
formerly great artist for latter-day sins?Copy !req
206. Is it better to burn out than to fade away?Copy !req
207. - Barry, I'm fuckin' broke, man.
- He was gonna buy one record...Copy !req
208. which we didn't have,
and then leave and never come back.Copy !req
209. - That's not the point. What did he ever do to you?
- He offended me...Copy !req
210. - with his terrible taste.
- It wasn't his terrible taste. It was his daughter's.Copy !req
211. Are you defending that ass-muncher?
Come on, Rob.Copy !req
212. You're goin' soft in your old age. Jesus.Copy !req
213. Now, all of a sudden
I'm offending your golf buddy.Copy !req
214. I'm gonna tell you something
for your own good, pal.Copy !req
215. That's the worst fuckin' sweater
I've ever seen. It's a Cosby sweater.Copy !req
216. A Cosby sweater!Copy !req
217. Did Laura let you leave the house like that?Copy !req
218. - Fuckin' asshole.
- Hey, hey!Copy !req
219. - Will you shut up? Will you?
- Break it up.Copy !req
220. You're a fuckin' maniac. I swear to God.
If you tore this thing...Copy !req
221. it's vintage,
and I would fuckin' sock your nose.Copy !req
222. You'll pay big.Copy !req
223. Are you all right?Copy !req
224. Yeah. Look, Dick.
Laura and I broke up.Copy !req
225. She's gone. So if we ever see
Barry again, you can tell him that.Copy !req
226. Oh, of course I will, Rob.
No problem.Copy !req
227. No problem at all.Copy !req
228. I'll tell him next time I see him.Copy !req
229. Definitely.Copy !req
230. I've, uh, got some other stuff
to tell him anyway, so it's no problem.Copy !req
231. I'll just tell him,
you know, about Laura...Copy !req
232. then... when I tell him...Copy !req
233. the other stuff.Copy !req
234. Mmm.Copy !req
235. Do you want to talk about it?Copy !req
236. That kind of thing?Copy !req
237. No. Thank you, though, Dick.Copy !req
238. Thank you.Copy !req
239. Look at these.
I used to dream I'd be surrounded...Copy !req
240. by exotic women's underwear
forever and ever.Copy !req
241. Now I know they just save their best pairs...Copy !req
242. for the nights they know
they're gonna sleep with somebody.Copy !req
243. Hello, Laura,
this is your mother.Copy !req
244. Your father's angina is a little rough today.Copy !req
245. I thought he might like
to talk to you. It's no big deal.Copy !req
246. I love you two. Bye-bye.Copy !req
247. Anyway, me and Charlie,
we didn't match.Copy !req
248. Marco and Charlie matched.Copy !req
249. But me and Sarah, number four
on the all-time list, we matched.Copy !req
250. She'd just been dumped
by some asshole named Michael.Copy !req
251. I mean, Michael
was such an asshole.Copy !req
252. I'd just been run over by Charlie.Copy !req
253. I know exactly what you mean.Copy !req
254. I mean,
it's just so painful.Copy !req
255. And draining. I'm just gonna be
by myself for awhile.Copy !req
256. Me too.
Me too.Copy !req
257. It made sense to pool our collective
loathing for the opposite sex...Copy !req
258. and while we were at it, we get to share
a bed with somebody at the same time.Copy !req
259. We were frightened of being left alone
for the rest of our lives.Copy !req
260. Only people of a certain disposition are...Copy !req
261. frightened of being left alone
for the rest of their lives at 26.Copy !req
262. We were of that disposition.Copy !req
263. - So, when she told me—
- I met someone else.Copy !req
264. - Who?
- Just someone else.Copy !req
265. It was contrary
to the whole spirit of our arrangement.Copy !req
266. So, how come I got dumped?Copy !req
267. What?Copy !req
268. - Hey, Dick, come on in. What is it?
- Oh, um...Copy !req
269. well, we're going to Lounge Ax,
and I was just wondering...Copy !req
270. if you wanted to come along with us.Copy !req
271. Whoa!Copy !req
272. Uh, Marie De Salle's playing.
You remember I told you about her today? I like her.Copy !req
273. She's kind of Sheryl Crow-ish,
crossed with a, um...Copy !req
274. post-Partridge Family,
pre-L.A. Law Susan Dey kind of thing.Copy !req
275. - But, you know, black.
- Yeah.Copy !req
276. So, um, I just wanted to know
if you wanted to come along.Copy !req
277. Barry thought so, too,
really, but I guess...Copy !req
278. - it looks as if you're reorganizing your records.
- Reorganizing my records.Copy !req
279. Um, what is it?
Chronological?Copy !req
280. No.Copy !req
281. - Not alphabetical.
- Nope.Copy !req
282. - What?
- Autobiographical.Copy !req
283. - No fucking way.
- Yeah.Copy !req
284. I can tell you how I got from Deep
Purple to Howling Wolf in just 25 moves.Copy !req
285. - Oh, my God.
- And, if I want to find the song "Landslide"...Copy !req
286. by Fleetwood Mac,
I have to remember...Copy !req
287. that I bought it for someone
in the fall of 1983 pile...Copy !req
288. but didn't give it to them
for personal reasons.Copy !req
289. - That sounds—
- Comforting.Copy !req
290. Yes. It is.Copy !req
291. - Hello?
- Well, shit, I can stick around, you know, man...Copy !req
292. if you want me to help out.Copy !req
293. But you really shouldn't
keep them piled like this...Copy !req
294. - because it gets pressured—
- Hold on. See you tomorrow.Copy !req
295. - Oh. Okay. I'll see you.
- Okay.Copy !req
296. Hi, Mom.Copy !req
297. How's the store?Copy !req
298. You're very lucky that Laura
is doing as well as she's doing.Copy !req
299. Because if it wasn't for her, I don't
think either of us would ever sleep.Copy !req
300. She left.
She's gone.Copy !req
301. What?
What do you mean?Copy !req
302. - Where did she go?
- How would I know where?Copy !req
303. She's gone.
Girlfriend leave.Copy !req
304. Not say where gone.
Laura move out.Copy !req
305. - Well, call her mother.
- She just called.Copy !req
306. She doesn't even now.
Probably the last time I'll ever hear her voice.Copy !req
307. I'm all right, if that's
what's upsetting you.Copy !req
308. - That is not what's upsetting me.
- It fuckin' should be, shouldn't it?Copy !req
309. I knew this would happen.
What are you gonna do, Rob?Copy !req
310. I'm gonna drink wine.
I'm gonna watch TV and go to bed.Copy !req
311. - Then I'm gonna go to work.
- And then what?Copy !req
312. I'm gonna meet a girl, have children,
and the next time we talk...Copy !req
313. - I'll have it all figured out, okay?
- I knew!Copy !req
314. - I knew it was gonna happen.
- What are you getting so upset about?Copy !req
315. - You know why she left.
- It's got nothing to do with marriage.Copy !req
316. - So you say.
- Mom? I'm telling you, for the last time.Copy !req
317. Laura didn't even want to get married.Copy !req
318. She's not that kind of girl.
That's not what happens now.Copy !req
319. Oh, I don't know what happens now.Copy !req
320. Apart from, you meet someone,
you move in, she goes!Copy !req
321. You meet someone,
you move in, she goes!Copy !req
322. Shut up, Mom. Goddamn!Copy !req
323. That's some cold shit.Copy !req
324. John Dillinger was shot dead behind that
theater in a hail of F.B.I. gunfire.Copy !req
325. You know who tipped them off?
His fuckin' girlfriend.Copy !req
326. He just wanted to go to the movies.Copy !req
327. Is that Peter fucking Frampton?Copy !req
328. - Rob!
- What?Copy !req
329. - Yeah. - Yeah.
- Now I kinda like it.Copy !req
330. Yeah.Copy !req
331. She should have done
"The Number Four with a Smile."Copy !req
332. Wasn't her record called,
"Number Four with a Smile"?Copy !req
333. - That's what I said.
- No, no. You said The Number Four.Copy !req
334. There's no the at the front.Copy !req
335. It's a reference to
a Chinese meal in Toronto.Copy !req
336. So I think that there is a the...Copy !req
337. - but I could be wrong.
- You can be...Copy !req
338. and are wrong.Copy !req
339. I want to date a musician.Copy !req
340. She'd write songs at home,
and ask me what I thought of'em...Copy !req
341. and maybe even include one of our
private little jokes in the liner notes.Copy !req
342. Maybe a little picture of me
in the liner notes.Copy !req
343. Just in the background somewhere.Copy !req
344. - So, uh, you live in Chicago now?
- I do.Copy !req
345. - Do you love it?
- You should come to our record store.Copy !req
346. - Championship Vinyl.
- Oh, my God. You'd love it.Copy !req
347. - He owns it. It's on Milwaukee—
- You'll find everything.Copy !req
348. Soul, ska, trip-hop, techno, salsa—Copy !req
349. - Will you come? Championship Vinyl.
- It sounds okay.Copy !req
350. - Enjoyed your set.
- Thank you.Copy !req
351. Why did you tell her about the store?Copy !req
352. Oh, man, I'm sorry. I didn't know
it was classified information.Copy !req
353. I know we don't have any customers,
but I thought that was a bad thing...Copy !req
354. not a business strategy.Copy !req
355. Rob?Copy !req
356. It's Liz.
Just calling to see if...Copy !req
357. you know, well, you're okay.Copy !req
358. Look, I'm your friend too,
so I'm not taking sides... yet.Copy !req
359. - Hi.
- What are you doing here?Copy !req
360. - Took the morning off.
- Come on, Rob.Copy !req
361. Do you still love me?Copy !req
362. - Well, it's not really the issue.
- Why? What else is there?Copy !req
363. What do you mean?
What else is there?Copy !req
364. I don't know!Copy !req
365. But it doesn't change the way
we don't get along at all.Copy !req
366. In fact, I hope we're
not in love anymore, to be honest.Copy !req
367. It would give me a better opinion
of love right now.Copy !req
368. Did I beat you? Did I tell you
you were a bad person?Copy !req
369. I mean, what the fuck?Copy !req
370. - What should I have done to make you happy?
- Nothing. Make yourself happy.Copy !req
371. - Why am I not happy?
- Because...Copy !req
372. you're the same person you used to be.Copy !req
373. And I'm not.Copy !req
374. - And all I've done is changed jobs.
- And clothes and hairstyles.Copy !req
375. - Attitudes and friends.
- I couldn't go to work...Copy !req
376. - with my hair dyed pink.
- You're harder.Copy !req
377. You haven't changed so much
as a pair of socks since I've known you.Copy !req
378. - Oh, come on, Laura, you're being stupid.
- You used to talk about the future.Copy !req
379. Now you don't even do that.Copy !req
380. - I'm all right. You're the one that hates her job.
- You haven't got a clue.Copy !req
381. I like my job.Copy !req
382. All I'm saying is, you have to allow
for things to happen to people.Copy !req
383. Most of all, to yourself.Copy !req
384. You don't, Rob.Copy !req
385. So what's the use?Copy !req
386. Rob! It's your turn.Copy !req
387. Okay. I'm feeling
kind of basic today.Copy !req
388. Top five side ones.
Track ones.Copy !req
389. "Janie Jones," Clash.
From The Clash.Copy !req
390. "Let's Get It On," Marvin Gaye,
from Let's Get It On.Copy !req
391. Nirvana, "Smells Like Teen Spirit,"
off Nevermind.Copy !req
392. Oh, no, Rob, that's not
obvious enough. Not at all.Copy !req
393. How about "Point of No Return"
on Point of No Return?Copy !req
394. Shut up, shut up. "White Light/White Heat,"
Velvet Underground.Copy !req
395. - That would be on my list.
- Not on mine.Copy !req
396. Massive Attack,
No Protection, the song is...Copy !req
397. - "Radiation Ruling the Nation."
- Oh, kind of a new record.Copy !req
398. - Very— In a minute.
- Excuse me, I was—Copy !req
399. Very nice, Rob. A sly declaration
of new classic status...Copy !req
400. slipped into a list of old safe ones.Copy !req
401. - Very pussy!
- Excuse me, I was—Copy !req
402. In a minute. Couldn't you be
any more obvious than that, Rob?Copy !req
403. How about, I don't know—
the Beatles?Copy !req
404. How about fucking Beethoven?Copy !req
405. Track one, side one
of the Fifth Symphony?Copy !req
406. How can someone who has no interest
in music own a record store?Copy !req
407. Do you still have that
Beefheart French import Safe As Milk?Copy !req
408. Um, let's...Copy !req
409. Ah! Yes, here it is.Copy !req
410. Yes.Copy !req
411. - How much you want for it?
- Uh—Copy !req
412. Oh, no. You know what?
I don't think I'm selling it this week.Copy !req
413. - Maybe next week.
- Oh, no. You said that last week.Copy !req
414. Did I?
Yeah, well I just—Copy !req
415. I—Copy !req
416. - Nicely played.
- You know, I don't have that record. Buy it for $40.Copy !req
417. - Rob?
- Sold.Copy !req
418. Now, why would you sell it
to me and not to him?Copy !req
419. - Because you're not a geek, Louis.
- You guys are snobs.Copy !req
420. - No, we're not.
- No, seriously. You're totally elitist.Copy !req
421. You feel like the unappreciated scholar...Copy !req
422. - so you shit on the people who know less than you.
- No!Copy !req
423. - Which is everybody.
- Yes.Copy !req
424. It's just sad, that's all.Copy !req
425. I'm sick of the sight of this place.Copy !req
426. Some days,
I'm afraid I'll go berserk.Copy !req
427. Throw the Country "A" through " K" rack
out on the street...Copy !req
428. and go work at a Virgin Megastore
and never come back.Copy !req
429. - Hello?
- Hey, Liz.Copy !req
430. - Hey, Rob.
- I just wanted to call and thank you...Copy !req
431. for that message you sent me last night.Copy !req
432. It really made me feel
like less of an asshole.Copy !req
433. Ohh. Well.
How are you holding up?Copy !req
434. Good, good.
I mean, look.Copy !req
435. Maybe we're just not right
for each other. Or maybe we are.Copy !req
436. - Mm-hmm, yeah.
- Time will tell at this point...Copy !req
437. and if it's time to move on,
it's time to move on.Copy !req
438. I don't know.
I don't want to take sides.Copy !req
439. And I like you with Laura.
I think you guys are good together.Copy !req
440. - Mm-hmm.
- And I don't think much of this Ian guy.Copy !req
441. Rob, Marie De Salle is in the store.Copy !req
442. Uh, I've gotta go, Liz.Copy !req
443. - We should maybe turn off her music.
- I know.Copy !req
444. Hey. Like the music.Copy !req
445. Oh, yeah, yeah.
I can go turn it off if you want.Copy !req
446. You might be sick of it.Copy !req
447. - You should turn it up.
- Oh, right. Yeah. Okay.Copy !req
448. Let me go do that, after I do
something else that I have to go do.Copy !req
449. - All righty. Hmm.
- Yeah, I got the— Excuse me.Copy !req
450. What fucking Ian guy?Copy !req
451. Laura doesn't know anybody called Ian.Copy !req
452. There's no Ian in her office.Copy !req
453. She has no friends called Ian!Copy !req
454. I'm almost certain she has never
met anyone named Ian in her life.Copy !req
455. She lives in an—Copy !req
456. "Ian-less" universe.Copy !req
457. "I. Raymond."Copy !req
458. Ray. "I."Copy !req
459. Ian.Copy !req
460. Mr. I. Raymond,
"Ray" to his friends...Copy !req
461. and more importantly to his neighbor.Copy !req
462. The guy who, until about
six weeks ago, lived upstairs.Copy !req
463. I start to remember things about him now.Copy !req
464. His horrible clothes and hair.Copy !req
465. His music:
Latin and Bulgarian...Copy !req
466. whatever world music
was trendy that week.Copy !req
467. He had rings on his fingers.Copy !req
468. Awful cooking smells.Copy !req
469. I never liked him much then,
and I fuckin' hate him now.Copy !req
470. We used to listen to him having sex.Copy !req
471. Upstairs.Copy !req
472. Jeez, he goes on long enough.Copy !req
473. I should be so lucky.Copy !req
474. You are as abandoned and noisy
as any character in a porn film.Copy !req
475. You are Ian's plaything,
responding to his touch...Copy !req
476. with shrieks of orgasmic delight.Copy !req
477. No woman in the history of the world
is having better sex...Copy !req
478. than the sex you are having with Ian...Copy !req
479. in my head.Copy !req
480. Number five.
Jackie Alden.Copy !req
481. Jackie Alden's breakup...Copy !req
482. had no effect on my life whatsoever.Copy !req
483. It was a casual thing,
and I was glad when it ended.Copy !req
484. I just slotted her in
to bump Laura out of position.Copy !req
485. But now, congratulations, Laura.Copy !req
486. You made it to the top five.Copy !req
487. Number five... with a bullet.
Welcome.Copy !req
488. That all depends.Copy !req
489. Back row,
right next to the Blues.Copy !req
490. Championship Vinyl.Copy !req
491. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm interested. Sure.Copy !req
492. What's your address?Copy !req
493. Hey, Liz.Copy !req
494. Hey, Rob.
You fucking asshole!Copy !req
495. Hi, Barry.Copy !req
496. For a couple of years,
I was the deejay at a club.Copy !req
497. I was good at it, I think.Copy !req
498. And while I was doing it,
it's the happiest I've ever been.Copy !req
499. And, that's where I met Laura.Copy !req
500. She was already a lawyer,
but she worked for Legal Aid...Copy !req
501. hence the leather jacket and the clubbing.Copy !req
502. Oh, I liked her right away.Copy !req
503. - Hey!
- Hey!Copy !req
504. That's a kick-ass record.Copy !req
505. - What?
- That's a kick-ass record.Copy !req
506. Yeah, I know.Copy !req
507. - Um, what's your name?
- Laura!Copy !req
508. Hey! I was gonna say, um, come back
next week and I'll make you a tape.Copy !req
509. - All right. Thank you.
- Okay?Copy !req
510. - Rob.
- I'm still Laura.Copy !req
511. To be honest, I hadn't met
anyone as promising as Laura...Copy !req
512. since I started deejaying,
and meeting promising women...Copy !req
513. is kind of what the deejaying thing
is supposed to be about.Copy !req
514. And anyway, we—
we moved on from there.Copy !req
515. She lost her lease
on her apartment in Lakeview...Copy !req
516. and she moved in with me.Copy !req
517. And it stayed that way for years.Copy !req
518. She didn't make me miserable,
or anxious...Copy !req
519. or ill-at-ease.Copy !req
520. And you know, it sounds boring,
but it wasn't.Copy !req
521. It wasn't spectacular, either.
It was just...Copy !req
522. good.Copy !req
523. But really good.Copy !req
524. So. How come
I'm suddenly an asshole?Copy !req
525. I get the feeling that Liz talked to Laura.Copy !req
526. And Liz stuck up for me.Copy !req
527. And Laura told her a few things.Copy !req
528. I don't know what precisely Laura said...Copy !req
529. but she would have revealed
at least two, maybe even all four...Copy !req
530. of the following pieces of information:Copy !req
531. - One, that I slept with someone else—
- He slept with somebody else.Copy !req
532. - What?
- ... while she, Laura, was pregnant.Copy !req
533. - While I was pregnant.
- No!Copy !req
534. Two. That my affair
directly contributed—Copy !req
535. pretty much directly to me
terminating the pregnancy.Copy !req
536. No.Copy !req
537. Three, that after the abortion...Copy !req
538. I borrowed a large sum of money from her—Copy !req
539. - ... four grand or so—
- ... and have not, as of yet, repaid any of it.Copy !req
540. - Bastard!
- Four.Copy !req
541. That shortly before she left me...Copy !req
542. I told her that I was kind of
unhappy in the relationship.Copy !req
543. And maybe sort of looking around
for someone else.Copy !req
544. He was "sort of, maybe,"
looking around for somebody else.Copy !req
545. Did I do and say those things?Copy !req
546. - Yes.
- No!Copy !req
547. Yes, I did.Copy !req
548. - I am a fuckin' asshole.
- That's it.Copy !req
549. Liz. No, sit down.
Sit down.Copy !req
550. That's shocking.Copy !req
551. That is shocking.Copy !req
552. First of all, the money.Copy !req
553. Laura had it,
and I didn't.Copy !req
554. And she wanted to give it to me.Copy !req
555. I've never been able to pay her back...Copy !req
556. because I've never been able to.Copy !req
557. Just because she moved in
with some Supertramp fan...Copy !req
558. it doesn't make me five grand richer.Copy !req
559. And number two: this stuff about me
half-looking around for someone else—Copy !req
560. She tricked me into saying it.Copy !req
561. We were having this State-of-the-Union
type conversation...Copy !req
562. and she said, matter-of-factly, that we
were pretty unhappy at the moment.Copy !req
563. And did I agree?
And I said yes.Copy !req
564. And she asked me whether I ever
thought about meeting other people.Copy !req
565. So, then I asked her if she ever
thought about meeting someone else.Copy !req
566. She says, "Of course."
So I admit that, yes...Copy !req
567. I daydream about it from time to time.Copy !req
568. Now, I can see what we were
really talking about...Copy !req
569. is her and Ian, and she
suckered me into absolving her.Copy !req
570. It was a sneaky lawyer's trick.Copy !req
571. And I fell for it because...Copy !req
572. she's much smarter than me.Copy !req
573. All right.
Then the pregnancy.Copy !req
574. I didn't know she was pregnant.Copy !req
575. Of course I didn't. I didn't know
because she hadn't told me.Copy !req
576. She hadn't told me because I
had told her that I had sort—Copy !req
577. Yes, I'd slept with someone else,
so I didn't find out she was pregnant...Copy !req
578. till way later.Copy !req
579. We were going through this good period,
and I made some crack about having kids.Copy !req
580. - What?
- She just burst into tears...Copy !req
581. and I said, well,
what is it, you know?Copy !req
582. And I made her tell me,
and she did...Copy !req
583. and I went into this brief and
ill-advised bout of self-righteousness.Copy !req
584. You know,
"What right do you have? My child too."Copy !req
585. Blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah blah, blah.Copy !req
586. That pretty much brings us up to date.Copy !req
587. Who needs a drink?Copy !req
588. What's wrong with me?
Seriously.Copy !req
589. What happened?Copy !req
590. Why am I doomed...
to be left.Copy !req
591. Doomed to be rejected.Copy !req
592. I need answers.Copy !req
593. Number one.
Alison Ashmore.Copy !req
594. - Hello? Hi.
- This is, uh, Rob Gordon calling.Copy !req
595. - I'm an old friend of Alison's. And, um—
- What did you say your name was?Copy !req
596. Rob. Rob Gordon. Um—Copy !req
597. I was actually her first boyfriend...Copy !req
598. in the 7th grade, and I was just wondering
if you had any way of reaching her.Copy !req
599. - Her number, or—
- I hate to quibble with you, Rob...Copy !req
600. but Alison married her first boyfriend.Copy !req
601. Kevin Bannister.
He is her first and last boyfriend.Copy !req
602. - You've gotta be kidding me.
- No, I'm quite serious.Copy !req
603. She is Mrs. Kevin Bannister,
and she lives in Australia.Copy !req
604. - We went out together in the 7th grade.
- I beg your pardon.Copy !req
605. Well, technically,
I'm her first boyfriend, okay?Copy !req
606. I met her a few days before Kevin did.Copy !req
607. - Technically, number one. Me.
- I don't know what you mean by "technically."Copy !req
608. You know, I'm number one.
Me. Technically.Copy !req
609. I see. Well, maybe
it's my mistake.Copy !req
610. I've got to go now, Bob.
Okay, bye-bye.Copy !req
611. Alison married Kevin!Copy !req
612. I am fine now.Copy !req
613. Married her junior high school sweetheart.Copy !req
614. Kissed me on the bench, kissed Kevin
on the bench, married Kevin.Copy !req
615. This is great!
It's got nothing to do with me.Copy !req
616. This is fate.
This is destiny.Copy !req
617. It is beyond my control.
Beyond my fault. I love this!Copy !req
618. I want more. I want to see
the others on the big top five.Copy !req
619. I want to see Penny,
and Charlie and Sarah— all of them!Copy !req
620. You know, just see 'em
and talk to 'em.Copy !req
621. You know,
like a Bruce Springsteen song.Copy !req
622. You call, you ask 'em how they are,
and you see if they've forgiven you.Copy !req
623. Yeah, and then— And then I'd feel good.Copy !req
624. - And they'd feel good.
- No, they'd feel good maybe, but you'd feel better.Copy !req
625. I'd feel clean and calm.Copy !req
626. That's what you're looking for.
You want to get ready to start again...Copy !req
627. that'd be good for you.Copy !req
628. Great, even.Copy !req
629. You'd give that big final good luck and
good-bye to your all-time top five...Copy !req
630. and just move on down the road.Copy !req
631. Good luck, good-bye.Copy !req
632. Thanks, Boss.Copy !req
633. Penny is as beautiful
as she was in high school...Copy !req
634. and really grown into herself.Copy !req
635. She reviews movies for a living,
which is unassailably cool...Copy !req
636. even if she does make these little notes
with this little flashlight pen.Copy !req
637. We have a good time,
and we hate the same actors...Copy !req
638. and everything's goin'great.Copy !req
639. She tells me about her life,
I tell her about mine.Copy !req
640. We both get it.
We both relate.Copy !req
641. And then, with no real explanation,
I just launch into it.Copy !req
642. I tell her about how Laura
wanted to sleep with Ian and not me.Copy !req
643. Charlie wanted to sleep
with Marco and not me.Copy !req
644. Alison Ashmore wanted
Kevin Bannister and not me.Copy !req
645. And you, you wanted to— You wanted to
have sex with Chris Thompson and not me.Copy !req
646. And I was hoping you could help me
understand why this keeps happening.Copy !req
647. Why, you know, I'm doomed to be left.
Doomed to be rejected.Copy !req
648. Do you understand?Copy !req
649. Um, we-well,
I-I was crazy about you.Copy !req
650. I wanted to sleep with you one day,
but not when I was sixteen.Copy !req
651. You know, when you broke up with me—
you broke up with me—Copy !req
652. because I was, to use
your charming expression, tight—Copy !req
653. I cried and I cried and I hated you,
and when that little shitbag...Copy !req
654. asked me out, and I was
too tired to fight him off—Copy !req
655. it wasn't rape, because I said okay,
but it wasn't far off!Copy !req
656. You know I couldn't have sex until after
college because I hated it so much?Copy !req
657. That's when you're supposed to
have sex, Rob. In college!Copy !req
658. And now you want to have
a little chat about rejection!Copy !req
659. Well, fuck you, Rob!Copy !req
660. My God, she's right.Copy !req
661. I broke up with her.
I rejected her.Copy !req
662. That's another one I don't have to worry about.
I should have done this years ago.Copy !req
663. - Ma'am? Can I get the check, please?
- Right away, sir.Copy !req
664. Next up, Charlie.Copy !req
665. But I'm not quite ready for that.Copy !req
666. So I go directly to number four
on the all-time breakup list.Copy !req
667. Sarah, my partner in rejection,
who rejected me.Copy !req
668. - Hi, Rob.
- Hi.Copy !req
669. - Nice to see you.
- Hi.Copy !req
670. - Okay. Yeah. Yeah.
- Nice to see you.Copy !req
671. - Want me to come—
- You want— You want— Okay, let's go out.Copy !req
672. I can't believe I left you for him.Copy !req
673. - Probably seemed like a good idea at the time.
- I don't know why, though.Copy !req
674. - Are you seeing anybody?
- Um, no, yeah.Copy !req
675. - No? No.
- Yeah. I mean, I'm in between things.Copy !req
676. - How are you doing?
- Me? Not good.Copy !req
677. - Really?
- No.Copy !req
678. Oh, it's so hard.
The medication I was on is not working.Copy !req
679. So, we're trying something else, but
it's like they don't know about it...Copy !req
680. so I'm like a guinea pig, and—
But I'm making money. That's good.Copy !req
681. I lost my job a month ago.
So it's been like hand to mouth—Copy !req
682. No, I haven't got the heart
for the rejection conversation.Copy !req
683. There are no hard feelings, and I'm glad she
ditched me and not the other way around.Copy !req
684. I'll call you.
Nice to see you.Copy !req
685. - Fine. Bye. See you later.
- You too.Copy !req
686. I could have
wound up having sex back there.Copy !req
687. And what better way
to exorcise rejection demons...Copy !req
688. than to screw the person
who rejected you, right?Copy !req
689. But you wouldn't be sleeping with a person.Copy !req
690. You'd be sleeping with a whole,
sad, single-person culture.Copy !req
691. It would be like sleeping with Talia Shire in Rocky,
if you weren't Rocky.Copy !req
692. I feel guilty enough as it is.Copy !req
693. There's only Charlie left now.Copy !req
694. She's in the fuckin' phone book.Copy !req
695. She should be living on Neptune.Copy !req
696. She's an extraterrestrial, a ghost,
a myth, not a person in a phone book.Copy !req
697. Hello, this is Charlie.Copy !req
698. Answering machine.
I'll leave a nice, polite message...Copy !req
699. and she'll never call back.Copy !req
700. The Killing Moon E.P. is almost
impossible to find, especially on C.D.Copy !req
701. Yet another cruel trick played on all the
dumb-asses who got rid of their turntables.Copy !req
702. - But every other Echo and the Bunnymen album—
- I have all the other ones.Copy !req
703. - Oh, you do? Well, how about the Jesus
and Mary Chain? - They always seemed—Copy !req
704. They always seemed what? They always seemed
really great is what they always seemed.Copy !req
705. They picked up where
your precious Echo left off...Copy !req
706. and you're complaining
about no more Echo albums.Copy !req
707. I can't believe you don't own
this fucking record! That's insane!Copy !req
708. Jesus!Copy !req
709. Well, the interesting thing
about Green Day is that...Copy !req
710. so much of their music is,
in truth, directly influenced by...Copy !req
711. in my opinion, two bands.Copy !req
712. - The Clash—
- The Clash!Copy !req
713. Uh, correct, The Clash.
But also...Copy !req
714. by this band called Stiff Little Fingers.Copy !req
715. Um, I think you would really love this band.Copy !req
716. It sounds great.Copy !req
717. - My name's Annaugh.
- The name's uh— My name's Dick.Copy !req
718. Is this the new Green Day?Copy !req
719. You don't have it?
That is perverse.Copy !req
720. Don't tell anybody you don't own
fucking Blonde on Blonde.Copy !req
721. It's gonna be okay.Copy !req
722. I will now sell five copies
of the three E.P.'s by the Beta Band.Copy !req
723. Good.Copy !req
724. - It's the Beta Band.
- It's good.Copy !req
725. - Barry! The door!
- Fuck!Copy !req
726. Go! Go!Copy !req
727. Hey! Okay, fuckos.Copy !req
728. How much is this deck worth,
and how much did you steal?Copy !req
729. Can you do the math?
Barry, call the cops.Copy !req
730. - No!
- No, hold up. Hold up.Copy !req
731. Ryuichi Sakamoto...Copy !req
732. Sigue Sigue Sputnik,
Breakbeats, Serge Gainsbourg.Copy !req
733. - What are you guys, stealing for other people?
- No, those are for us.Copy !req
734. - You guys slamming to Joni Mitchell now?
- You're like, so bigoted.Copy !req
735. - To look at us, and think you know what we listen to.
- I think you have more.Copy !req
736. God, man!Copy !req
737. Hi.Copy !req
738. What do you want?Copy !req
739. I thought I could give you a ride back.Copy !req
740. - Are you coming home?
- Yeah.Copy !req
741. Well, I'd like to come over
to your house to pick up some things.Copy !req
742. My house.Copy !req
743. - How'd it go today?
- All right.Copy !req
744. - Do you wanna go?
- Sure.Copy !req
745. So, have you tackled
the Great Reorganization yet?Copy !req
746. You bet. You can take this
with you if you want.Copy !req
747. Look at this place.
Laura, it's a dump.Copy !req
748. What are you making now?
Sixty, seventy a year?Copy !req
749. And you were living in this shithole.Copy !req
750. Bet you can't even remember
what you were doing here.Copy !req
751. I was here because I wanted to be with you.Copy !req
752. It had nothing to do with this place.Copy !req
753. So, uh, where are you staying now?Copy !req
754. I think you know that.Copy !req
755. - I had to work that out for myself, though, didn't I?
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
756. I know I haven't been very fair.Copy !req
757. That's why I came to the store tonight.Copy !req
758. It took me a while to work up the courage.Copy !req
759. - You scared now?
- Yes, of course I am.Copy !req
760. I feel terrible, Rob.
You know, this is really hard.Copy !req
761. Good.Copy !req
762. So... how is everything going with Ian?Copy !req
763. Is it working out okay?Copy !req
764. - You're living with the guy.
- Don't.Copy !req
765. I'm just asking how it's going.Copy !req
766. Look, I'm not living with the guy, okay?Copy !req
767. I'm just staying with him for a few days
until I figure out what I'm doing.Copy !req
768. I left because we weren't exactly getting along,
and we weren't talking about it.Copy !req
769. I'm getting to a point where
I want to get my shit together...Copy !req
770. and I can't really see that
ever happening with you.Copy !req
771. And, yes, I sort of got
interested in someone else.Copy !req
772. And that went further than it should have,
so it seemed like a good time to go.Copy !req
773. But I have no idea what will
happen with Ian in the long run.Copy !req
774. Probably nothing.Copy !req
775. So, what?Copy !req
776. You definitely haven't
decided to dump me? Is that it?Copy !req
777. There's still a chance
we might get back together?Copy !req
778. I don't know.Copy !req
779. Well, if you don't know...Copy !req
780. there's a chance, right?Copy !req
781. I mean, it would be like if someone was
in the hospital and he was seriously ill...Copy !req
782. and the doctor said, "I don't know if
this patient has a chance of survival."Copy !req
783. That doesn't mean the patient's definitely gonna die,
does it? I mean, he might live.Copy !req
784. - Even if it's a remote possibility.
- I suppose so.Copy !req
785. - So we have a chance.
- Shut up, Rob.Copy !req
786. - I just want to know, what chance do we have?
- I don't know what chance.Copy !req
787. If you could tell me roughly—Copy !req
788. All right, we have a nine percent chance
of getting back together.Copy !req
789. - Nine?
- Nine.Copy !req
790. - Great.
- Look, I know I'm asking a lot...Copy !req
791. but could you take off for a while
so I can get my stuff packed up?Copy !req
792. No problem.Copy !req
793. - You want me to leave my own house?
- Yes, please.Copy !req
794. Laura, can I ask you one question?Copy !req
795. Yes. One.Copy !req
796. You're not gonna like it.Copy !req
797. Just ask it.Copy !req
798. Is it better?Copy !req
799. Is what better?
Better than what?Copy !req
800. Well... sex, I guess.
Is it better?Copy !req
801. Is that really what's bothering you?Copy !req
802. Yes. Yes, of course.Copy !req
803. Do you really think
it would make a difference either way?Copy !req
804. - I don't know.
- Well, the answer is, I don't know either.Copy !req
805. We haven't done it yet.Copy !req
806. Never?Copy !req
807. I haven't felt like it.Copy !req
808. Not even before,
when he was living upstairs?Copy !req
809. No. I was living
with you, remember?Copy !req
810. We've slept together,
but we haven't made love.Copy !req
811. Not yet.Copy !req
812. - I'll tell you one thing.
- What?Copy !req
813. Sleeping together is better.Copy !req
814. Sleeping together is better?Copy !req
815. But not the sex,
because you haven't done it yet?Copy !req
816. - Will you please just go?
- Yeah.Copy !req
817. "How could this
have happened?" you ask.Copy !req
818. "How does he— How does he do it?"Copy !req
819. How does a regular guy like me become the
number one lover man in his postal district?Copy !req
820. He's grumpy, he's broke, he hangs out
with the musical moron twins...Copy !req
821. and yet he gets to go to bed
with somebody like Marie De Salle.Copy !req
822. Hey. Marie.Copy !req
823. - Everything go all right?
- Yeah, yeah...Copy !req
824. She just wanted to pick up some stuff,
you know. It was no big deal. It was—Copy !req
825. I hate that time.
Picking-up-stuff time.Copy !req
826. - You know that song I play, "Eartha Kitt Times Two"?
- Of course!Copy !req
827. I wrote that about me and my ex
dividing our record collection.Copy !req
828. Great, great song.Copy !req
829. - A while back, Dick, Barry and I agreed...
- Just before I moved here.Copy !req
830. that what really matters is what you like...Copy !req
831. not what you are like.Copy !req
832. Books, records, films—
These things matter.Copy !req
833. Call me shallow.
It's the fucking truth.Copy !req
834. And by this measure, I was having
one of the best dates of my life.Copy !req
835. - You love that show?
- Yes!Copy !req
836. Starring, um— Starring, um—
Who starred in The Prisoner?Copy !req
837. - McGoohan.
- That's right!Copy !req
838. And then...
we talk about our exes.Copy !req
839. She's dry and self-deprecating.Copy !req
840. Great sense of humor about it, and I can
really see why her songs are so good.Copy !req
841. - I guess she's happy.
- I don't speak about Laura with as much depth.Copy !req
842. But it feels, even to me,
like I'm being intimate.Copy !req
843. I express regret,
I say nice things about her...Copy !req
844. and I hint at a deep ocean
of melancholy just below the surface.Copy !req
845. Which is all bullshit, really.Copy !req
846. I've just invented a sketch
of a decent, sensitive guy...Copy !req
847. because I'm in the position to invent him.Copy !req
848. And I guess all that charming,
nervous stuff seems to work somehow...Copy !req
849. because we get back to her house and...Copy !req
850. it just happens.Copy !req
851. You know,
the who-did-what-to-whom stuff.Copy !req
852. You know that song
"Behind Closed Doors'by Charlie Rich?Copy !req
853. It's one of my favorite songs.Copy !req
854. Marie's a terrific woman.Copy !req
855. And then...
in the morning—Copy !req
856. You didn't have me fooled...Copy !req
857. acting all cool about, um, what's-her-name.Copy !req
858. - Laura.
- Laura, right, right. Laura.Copy !req
859. What was yours called again?Copy !req
860. It was called James.Copy !req
861. - James.
- James.Copy !req
862. Do you miss him?Copy !req
863. Yeah.Copy !req
864. That's how it works, right?Copy !req
865. I think it's okay if you feel horny
and fucked up at the same time.Copy !req
866. Why should we be denied
our basic human rights...Copy !req
867. just 'cause we messed up our relationships?Copy !req
868. You think sex is a basic human right?Copy !req
869. Hell, yeah! Yeah.Copy !req
870. I'm not gonna let that asshole
come between me and a fuck.Copy !req
871. - Which way are you going?
- That way. You?Copy !req
872. - That way.
- Ah, so it is.Copy !req
873. - Talk to you.
- I'll call you.Copy !req
874. Right.Copy !req
875. What did Laura mean last night when she
said, "I haven't slept with him yet"?Copy !req
876. Yet! What does "yet"
mean anyway?Copy !req
877. It means you're gonna do it,
doesn't it? Or does it?Copy !req
878. Just come on. What would it mean
to you, that sentence:Copy !req
879. "I haven't seen Evil Dead II yet"?Copy !req
880. Well, to me it would mean that you're a liar.Copy !req
881. You've seen it twice. Once with Laura—
oops— and once with me and Dick.Copy !req
882. We had that conversation about that guy making
shotgun ammo off-screen in the 14th century.Copy !req
883. Right. But let's just say
that I hadn't seen it.Copy !req
884. And I said, "I haven't seen
Evil Dead II yet." What would you think?Copy !req
885. I'd think that you're a cinematic idiot,
and I'd feel sorry for you.Copy !req
886. All right. But from that one sentence,
would you think that I was going to see it?Copy !req
887. I'm sorry, Rob.
I'm struggling here.Copy !req
888. You're asking me what would I
think if you told me...Copy !req
889. you hadn't seen a film
that you have already seen.Copy !req
890. Just listen to me.
If I said to you—Copy !req
891. "I haven't seen Evil Dead II yet," yes.Copy !req
892. Would you get the impression
that I really wanted to see it?Copy !req
893. Oh, well, you couldn't have been desperate to see it,
otherwise you'd have already gone.Copy !req
894. Right. I'm not
gonna see that movie.Copy !req
895. But the word "yet."
Yeah, you know what?Copy !req
896. I get the impression
that you wanted to see it...Copy !req
897. otherwise you'd have said
you didn't want to go.Copy !req
898. But in your opinion,
would I definitely go?Copy !req
899. How the fuck am I supposed
to know? Probably.Copy !req
900. - Why?
- Because it's a brilliant film.Copy !req
901. It's so funny and violent,
and the soundtrack kicks fucking ass.Copy !req
902. I never thought I'd say this,
but can I go work now?Copy !req
903. Look, Laura, if you don't want me to call you at work,
then give me your home number.Copy !req
904. Oh, I forgot.
You can't.Copy !req
905. I'm not gonna get off this phone
until you agree to meet me for a drink.Copy !req
906. I'm sorry, but I don't see why this has
to be on your terms all the time, really.Copy !req
907. Okay, okay!
We'll meet, then, tonight.Copy !req
908. That'd be great if you're not too busy.Copy !req
909. It'll be really good... to see you.Copy !req
910. So, how are you?Copy !req
911. Have you slept with him yet?Copy !req
912. Is that why you wanted to see me?Copy !req
913. I guess.Copy !req
914. What do you want me to say?Copy !req
915. I want you to say you haven't,
and I want that to be the truth.Copy !req
916. I can't do that.Copy !req
917. You must have known it would happen.Copy !req
918. You couldn't have been entirely
unprepared like you said.Copy !req
919. I've been living with the guy.Copy !req
920. We were bound to get
around to it sometime.Copy !req
921. Rob, are you there?
What are you thinking?Copy !req
922. We can meet for another drink if you want.Copy !req
923. So I can explain it better.
I owe you that much.Copy !req
924. I don't have your number.Copy !req
925. I don't want this to be the last conversation we have.
I know what you're like.Copy !req
926. You do, huh?Copy !req
927. I need a second opinion.Copy !req
928. Hi, this is Tim.
City and state, please.Copy !req
929. Uh, Chicago. A residence.
Mr. Ian Raymond.Copy !req
930. - Please hold for that number.
- May I also have that address?Copy !req
931. - Certainly.
- Thank you.Copy !req
932. - Rob?
- Laura, I just want to say something.Copy !req
933. I think you're running,
you're running from a sharp point...Copy !req
934. that anybody hits in any relationship,
and it's just gonna happen again.Copy !req
935. But it's gonna be with this guy
Ian, later, when you're older.Copy !req
936. With a guy with a Steven Seagal ponytail.Copy !req
937. You know what I'm saying?
And-And he doesn't love you.Copy !req
938. And he doesn't understand you,
not the way I will.Copy !req
939. And I will even more so in the future.Copy !req
940. I mean, if you want
to experiment or whatever—Copy !req
941. I'm not experimenting.
Why don't you go experiment?Copy !req
942. - Laura, are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.Copy !req
943. - Is that him?
- Look, can you— can you call me at work?Copy !req
944. I gotta go now.Copy !req
945. You look upset.Copy !req
946. Yeah, I'm-I'm upset,
but I'm fine.Copy !req
947. - Maybe I should talk to him.
- No, I don't think that's a good idea.Copy !req
948. Conflict resolution is my job.Copy !req
949. Yeah, I know. But, Ian,
there's really nothing to resolve.Copy !req
950. But thank you.Copy !req
951. You have got to stop calling her.Copy !req
952. You're really
upsetting her, and him!Copy !req
953. - Like I care about him.
- Well, you should.Copy !req
954. - Why?
- Because all you're doing is forming a little unit.Copy !req
955. Them against you! Before you
started all this psychotic madness...Copy !req
956. there was no unit;
there was just three people in a mess.Copy !req
957. But now they've got something in common.Copy !req
958. And you don't want
to make anything worse.Copy !req
959. How could it get any worse
than Laura with Ian?Copy !req
960. - Come on, Liz.
- Rob, Rob, Rob.Copy !req
961. Can I ask you a question? And you
can think about it if you want to.Copy !req
962. Just what is it?Copy !req
963. Why do you want Laura back so badly?Copy !req
964. Rob, phone.Copy !req
965. Barry, that fucking pricer's busted,
and I'm not the one who broke it.Copy !req
966. Hello.
Rob? Bonjour. Bonjour.Copy !req
967. Who is this?Copy !req
968. Is this Ch— Is this Charlie?Copy !req
969. Hi. I just got back into town.Copy !req
970. Wow! Rob Gordon.
The Rob Gordon.Copy !req
971. So how are you doing? Huh? Does it
seem like millions of years ago?Copy !req
972. Yeah, yeah.
Like a billion, right?Copy !req
973. So, uh—
God, Charlie Nicholson. How are you?Copy !req
974. I mean, do you have kids
and stuff like everybody else?Copy !req
975. No. No, I'm too young,
too single.Copy !req
976. I don't know. Kids are too... time-consuming,
I guess, is the expression I'm looking for.Copy !req
977. I'm not making this up.
This is how she talks—Copy !req
978. as if nobody ever had a conversation about
having kids in the history of the world.Copy !req
979. She's incredible.Copy !req
980. So, anyway,
are you in or out, Rob?Copy !req
981. - I'm sorry?
- Well, you know— I don't know.Copy !req
982. I just find these long-lost
boyfriend calls a little unnerving.Copy !req
983. - There's been a rash of them recently.
- Is that right?Copy !req
984. Yeah. Oh, remember Marco?
I went out with him after you.Copy !req
985. - Kind of.
- Kind of, yeah.Copy !req
986. Well, he called a few months ago.Copy !req
987. I think he was going through one of those
what-does-it-all-mean kind of things.Copy !req
988. He wanted to see me and
"rehash the past," as they say.Copy !req
989. Was I up for that?
No. No.Copy !req
990. So— I don't know—
do all men go through that?Copy !req
991. I've never heard of it before. I'm sorry, Charlie,
but what does "Are you in or out" mean?Copy !req
992. Well, it means,
are we friends or aren't we?Copy !req
993. Because if we are,
that's great, that's great.Copy !req
994. But if we're not, I don't really
want to spend time playing catch-up.Copy !req
995. You know what I mean?
I'm just really busy, you know?Copy !req
996. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Sure, sure. Of course.Copy !req
997. - So, are you in or out, Rob?
- I'm in. I'm in. I'm in.Copy !req
998. Oh, yeah? Great. Do you want to come
for a dinner party tomorrow night?Copy !req
999. Can I help you?Copy !req
1000. Remember me? Ray. Ian.Copy !req
1001. I thought maybe we should talk.Copy !req
1002. - No.
- Sort things out.Copy !req
1003. - What needs sorting out?
- Ten phone calls a night.Copy !req
1004. Hanging around outside my house.Copy !req
1005. - I've stopped all of that now.
- You were there this morning.Copy !req
1006. Obviously, I know how special
Laura is, and I know how...Copy !req
1007. much pain you must be
going through right now.Copy !req
1008. I would hate it if I lost her.Copy !req
1009. Guess who?Copy !req
1010. But I'd like to believe that if she decided...Copy !req
1011. that she didn't want to see me anymore...Copy !req
1012. that I would respect those wishes.Copy !req
1013. You know what I'm saying, "G"?Copy !req
1014. - Yeah.
- Good.Copy !req
1015. So, shall we leave it at that, then?Copy !req
1016. I've already left it...Copy !req
1017. you pathetic rebound fuck!Copy !req
1018. Now, get your patchouli stink
out of my store!Copy !req
1019. Move it, lard-ass!Copy !req
1020. Dumb motherfucker.Copy !req
1021. So, um, shall we
leave it at that, then?Copy !req
1022. - Tsk. No.
- Don't! Don't!Copy !req
1023. - He's not worth it!
- Leave town!Copy !req
1024. Leave the country!
You little bitch!Copy !req
1025. 'Cause you'll look back at ten
phone calls a night as the golden age!Copy !req
1026. Get ready, motherfucker!Copy !req
1027. So, shall we leave it at that, then?Copy !req
1028. Get him!Copy !req
1029. - Come on!
- Get him, man!Copy !req
1030. Okay?Copy !req
1031. Hey, jelly bean.Copy !req
1032. Charles.Copy !req
1033. - How are you?
- Good. How are you?Copy !req
1034. Hey, everybody!
Everybody, this is Rob.Copy !req
1035. Rob, this is everybody.Copy !req
1036. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
1037. Come on in. Make yourself at home.
Is that for me?Copy !req
1038. - Yeah.
- Oh, it's a little warm. I'll put it in the fridge.Copy !req
1039. I think if you get a dog,
you've got to raise it yourself.Copy !req
1040. - You have to deal with a dog from day one.
- Of course you do.Copy !req
1041. You're gonna take care of him,
raise him—Copy !req
1042. - Fine, thanks. Do you want a drink?
- Yeah, I would.Copy !req
1043. I can see now that I'm doomed to die...Copy !req
1044. a long, slow suffocating death,
and I try to figure out why.Copy !req
1045. Of course there's envy.
Why isn't my life like this?Copy !req
1046. Sure, I want their money and
clothes and jobs and opinions.Copy !req
1047. And I'd like to have advice
on jet lag, but that's not it.Copy !req
1048. I mean, they're not bad people,
and I'm not a class warrior. It's something else.Copy !req
1049. I never did. I never did. And I was very supportive—
- Then it dawns on me.Copy !req
1050. - It came down to me to tell him the truth.
- Charlie's awful.Copy !req
1051. What was the truth?Copy !req
1052. - She doesn't listen to anyone.
She says stupid things, - No. Well, I have—Copy !req
1053. and she apparently has
no sense of humor at all...Copy !req
1054. and talks shit all night long.Copy !req
1055. Maybe she's been like this all along.Copy !req
1056. - Bye, sweetheart.
- Bye-bye.Copy !req
1057. Call me tomorrow, okay?
Call me. Promise to call me.Copy !req
1058. Bye.Copy !req
1059. How did I manage to edit all this out?Copy !req
1060. How had I made this girl
the answer to all the world's problems?Copy !req
1061. - Hey, Charlie.
- Hey, Rob.Copy !req
1062. So, Charlie,
why'd you dump me for Marco?Copy !req
1063. Fuck! I knew it!
I knew it!Copy !req
1064. I knew it!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!Copy !req
1065. - What?
- You are. You are going through...Copy !req
1066. one of those what-does-it-all-mean things.Copy !req
1067. I can't believe you, Rob.Copy !req
1068. Yes, I am.
Very much. Indeed so.Copy !req
1069. Oh, God.Copy !req
1070. Come on. Answer the question.Copy !req
1071. Oh, come on, Charlie.
Don't hold back.Copy !req
1072. You can say whatever you like.Copy !req
1073. Why'd you dump me for Marco?Copy !req
1074. Marco just seemed to be
a bit more... glamorous.Copy !req
1075. You know?
More sure of himself.Copy !req
1076. Less hard work.Copy !req
1077. A little... sunnier.Copy !req
1078. Sparkier.Copy !req
1079. - Yeah.
- What can you play?Copy !req
1080. Nothin'.
What kind of stuff are you into?Copy !req
1081. The kind of stuff you mentioned.Copy !req
1082. - But we want to be more experimental than that.
- Ummm.Copy !req
1083. We want to retain our pop sensibilities,
but, you know, go further out.Copy !req
1084. - That sounds great.
- No gigs yet.Copy !req
1085. We just got together.
Is Tuesday night cool for you?Copy !req
1086. - jam.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1087. Later.Copy !req
1088. - What?
- What do you mean, what?Copy !req
1089. You've had that poster up on the wall
for, like, 17,000 years.Copy !req
1090. And then some guy comes in off the street.
You act like it's no big deal.Copy !req
1091. - It's just a garage band. It's nothing special.
- You don't play an instrument.Copy !req
1092. I can sing. What, you think I'm gonna
stick around here the rest of my life?Copy !req
1093. Hey, it's half past
a monkey's ass. Let's go.Copy !req
1094. Uh, I can't meet you guys
at the club tonight.Copy !req
1095. - Who are you going to see?
- Nobody.Copy !req
1096. Rob! Lookie, lookie!
Dick, are you getting some?Copy !req
1097. Un-fucking-believable!Copy !req
1098. Dick's got a hot date!
How did this happen?Copy !req
1099. What rational explanation
can there possibly be? What's her name?Copy !req
1100. - Anaugh.
- Anaugh? Anaugh Conda?Copy !req
1101. - Anaugh Moss.
- Anaugh Moss?Copy !req
1102. Is she all green and fuzzy and mossy?Copy !req
1103. And you met this bruiser where, exactly?Copy !req
1104. The home for the mentally challenged
or the blind or the bus station?Copy !req
1105. Um, here. She asked me
about the new Green Day album, and—Copy !req
1106. Oh, man! Finally!
Anaugh.Copy !req
1107. That's great, Dick!
Really smoke that ass.Copy !req
1108. Listen, Rob,
I can't go to the club, either.Copy !req
1109. I gotta get some lyrics down on paper.Copy !req
1110. Oh, yeah, me too.
Well, not, uh, lyrics to get down.Copy !req
1111. But, um, um—
So, I'll see you, um, tomorrow.Copy !req
1112. - Hi, Laura.
- "Top five dream jobs."Copy !req
1113. - Hey, that's private.
- "Number one:Copy !req
1114. journalist for Rolling Stone
magazine, 1976 to 1979.Copy !req
1115. Get to meet the Clash, Chrissy Hynde,
Sex Pistols, David Byrne.Copy !req
1116. Get tons of free records.
Number two:Copy !req
1117. Producer, Atlantic Records,
1964 to 1971.Copy !req
1118. Get to meet Aretha,
Wilson Pickett, Solomon Burke."Copy !req
1119. - More free records.
- "More free records and a shitload of money."Copy !req
1120. - "Number three: any kind of musician."
- Besides classical or rap.Copy !req
1121. - "Settle for being one of the
Memphis Horns or something." - Sure.Copy !req
1122. - "I'm not asking to be Jagger or
Hendrix or Otis Redding." - Uh-huh.Copy !req
1123. "Number four: film director."Copy !req
1124. Any kind except German or silent.Copy !req
1125. And number five,
we have "architect."Copy !req
1126. - Yeah.
- Seven years' training.Copy !req
1127. - I'm not sure I even want to be an architect.
- So you've got a list here...Copy !req
1128. of five things you'd do if qualifications...Copy !req
1129. and time and history
and salary were no object?Copy !req
1130. - Yeah.
- One of them you don't really want to do anyway.Copy !req
1131. Well, I did put it at number five.Copy !req
1132. Wouldn't you rather own your own
record store than be an architect?Copy !req
1133. - Yeah, I suppose.
- And you wouldn't want to be...Copy !req
1134. a 16th-century explorer
or the king of France?Copy !req
1135. - God, no.
- All right. There you go, then.Copy !req
1136. Dream job number five:
record store owner.Copy !req
1137. I find it interesting that you
keep showing up here, Laura.Copy !req
1138. Well, this is the last of it.Copy !req
1139. Those bags look heavy.
Where's Ian?Copy !req
1140. Or Ray or—Copy !req
1141. What is his fucking name anyway?Copy !req
1142. - What do you call him? Ian or Ray?
- Ray.Copy !req
1143. - I hate Ian.
- I hate him too.Copy !req
1144. Yeah, I'm sure.Copy !req
1145. See ya.Copy !req
1146. Good-bye.Copy !req
1147. Top five things I miss about Laura.Copy !req
1148. sense of humor. Very dry,
but it can also be warm and forgiving.Copy !req
1149. And she's got one of the best all-time
laughs in the history of all-time laughs.Copy !req
1150. She laughs with her entire body.Copy !req
1151. She's got character.Copy !req
1152. Or at least she had character
before the Ian nightmare.Copy !req
1153. She's loyal and honest...Copy !req
1154. and she doesn't even take it out
on people when she's having a bad day.Copy !req
1155. That's character.Copy !req
1156. I miss her smell...Copy !req
1157. and the way she tastes.Copy !req
1158. It's a mystery of human chemistry,
and I don't understand it.Copy !req
1159. Some people, as far as your senses
are concerned, just feel like home.Copy !req
1160. I really dig how she walks around.Copy !req
1161. It's like she doesn't care how
she looks or what she projects.Copy !req
1162. And it's not that she doesn't care,
it's just— She's not affected, I guess.Copy !req
1163. And that gives her grace.Copy !req
1164. And five: She does this thing in bed
when she can't get to sleep.Copy !req
1165. She kind of half-moans and then rubs her
feet together an equal number of times.Copy !req
1166. It just kills me.Copy !req
1167. Believe me, I could do a top-five-things
about her that drive me crazy...Copy !req
1168. but it's just your garden-variety women,
you know, schizo stuff...Copy !req
1169. and that's the kind of thinking
that got me here.Copy !req
1170. Ahhh! Damn!Copy !req
1171. - You maggots!
- Whoa, whoa! Toss it, man!Copy !req
1172. - You're pretty when you're angry.
- Shit!Copy !req
1173. Hey, Rob, Laura called.Copy !req
1174. Really?Copy !req
1175. - What is this?
- It's Vince and Justin.Copy !req
1176. - Who's Vince and Justin?
- Those little skate fuckers.Copy !req
1177. - No way.
- Way.Copy !req
1178. It's really—Copy !req
1179. It's really fuckin' good.Copy !req
1180. Hey, do you guys know Vince and Justin,
the guys that come in my store?Copy !req
1181. - Yeah, they're right over there, man.
- Thanks.Copy !req
1182. - Quit smoking. I'm telling you—
- Hey! Your tape.Copy !req
1183. - It's good.
- I know. We made it.Copy !req
1184. - Thank you. - I mean,
It's rough, but, unbelievably, it shows promise.Copy !req
1185. I'll put out your record.Copy !req
1186. Any profits we split down the middle
after I recoup expenses, okay?Copy !req
1187. Recoup expenses? Man, you're gonna recoup a big,
fat Mercedes is what you're gonna do.Copy !req
1188. - We're not there yet, Justin.
- I'm Vince.Copy !req
1189. Whatever.
What's the name of your band?Copy !req
1190. - Uh, the Kinky Wizards.
- Nice.Copy !req
1191. What's the name of your label?Copy !req
1192. Top Five Records.Copy !req
1193. What was that? You just told them you're
gonna put out a record with them?Copy !req
1194. Yeah. So what? You said yourself those guys
are good. What are you getting hot about?Copy !req
1195. Well, it just seems that you think it
would be wiser to start a record label...Copy !req
1196. by putting out a record with
business-crippling Nazi youth shoplifters...Copy !req
1197. than someone you know in your bitter,
jealous heart is a musical visionary.Copy !req
1198. What do your songs sound like? Sex Pistols?
Nirvana? Pop Abrams and the Smurfs?Copy !req
1199. - You wouldn't be familiar with our
immediate influences. - Try me.Copy !req
1200. - They're mostly German.
- Kraftwerk? Falco? Hasselhoff?Copy !req
1201. Hey. You called?Copy !req
1202. Fuckin' asshole.Copy !req
1203. Laura, are you all right?Copy !req
1204. My dad— My dad died.Copy !req
1205. - What's up?
- Laura's dad died.Copy !req
1206. Oh, drag.Copy !req
1207. I'm sorry, Rob.Copy !req
1208. Hey, top five songs about death.Copy !req
1209. A Laura's dad tribute list.Copy !req
1210. Okay? Okay.Copy !req
1211. "Leader Of The Pack."Copy !req
1212. The guy fuckin' beefs it
on his motorcycle and dies, right?Copy !req
1213. "Dead Man's Curve."
Jan and Dean.Copy !req
1214. Do you know that right after they recorded
that song, Jan himself, um, crashed his—Copy !req
1215. - It was Dean, you fuckin' idiot.
- It was Jan.Copy !req
1216. - It was a long time after the—
- Okay, whatever.Copy !req
1217. "Tell Laura I Love Her."
That would bring the house down.Copy !req
1218. Laura's mom could sing it.Copy !req
1219. - You know what I'd want?
- Huh?Copy !req
1220. "One Step Beyond" by Madness.Copy !req
1221. No, no, no, no, no.
Wh-When are you going home?Copy !req
1222. In a minute,
when I get it together.Copy !req
1223. And, uh, "You Can't
Always Get What You Want."Copy !req
1224. Immediate disqualification because of
its involvement with The Big Chill.Copy !req
1225. Oh, God, you're right.Copy !req
1226. Um, Mom wants you to come to the funeral.Copy !req
1227. - Oh. Me?
- Yes. My dad really liked you.Copy !req
1228. And Mom never told him we'd split,
because he wasn't up to it.Copy !req
1229. "Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald."
Uh, Gordon Lightfoot.Copy !req
1230. Bastard. That's so good
that should have been mine.Copy !req
1231. Do you, uh—
Do you want me there?Copy !req
1232. I don't care, as long as you don't
expect me to hold your hand.Copy !req
1233. - Is Ray going?
- No!Copy !req
1234. Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be Thy name.Copy !req
1235. Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done...Copy !req
1236. - on Earth as it is in heaven.
- Songs at my funeral:Copy !req
1237. "Many Rivers To Cross" by Jimmy Cliff...Copy !req
1238. "Angel" by Aretha Franklin...Copy !req
1239. and I've always had this fantasy that some beautiful,
tearful woman will insist on...Copy !req
1240. "You're The Best Thing That Ever
Happened To Me" by Gladys Knight.Copy !req
1241. - But who would that woman be?
- Amen.Copy !req
1242. - Hey, Jo.
- Hi, Liz.Copy !req
1243. Hey. How are you doing?Copy !req
1244. I'm all right, I suppose.
Mom's not too bad.Copy !req
1245. But Laura— I don't know.Copy !req
1246. Yeah, well, she's had a rough time
of it already, without this.Copy !req
1247. It's just so hard when you put all of
your efforts into one area of your life...Copy !req
1248. and it doesn't work out.Copy !req
1249. Don't mind me, really. Just pretend like
you're talking about someone else. It's okay.Copy !req
1250. Well, in fact, we are talking about
someone else. We're talking about Laura.Copy !req
1251. - Oh.
- Oh?Copy !req
1252. Don't fuckin' say "oh" like that to me, Liz.Copy !req
1253. I'm really sorry, Jo. Look,
I can either stick up for myself...Copy !req
1254. or I can believe everything you say
about me and end up hating myself.Copy !req
1255. But that's not
much of a life, is it? Huh?Copy !req
1256. Do you think this is really the time
to be talking about—Copy !req
1257. Just because it's never the time, Liz?
I can't go on apologizing my whole life.Copy !req
1258. I think just the once would do!Copy !req
1259. - I'm very sorry, Laura.
- Thanks for coming.Copy !req
1260. I'm so sorry, Laura.Copy !req
1261. Thank you. I appreciate that.Copy !req
1262. Laura... I'm sorry.Copy !req
1263. and that prevented me
from doing a lot of things.Copy !req
1264. Like thinking about my future and—Copy !req
1265. Are you gonna lie
in that flower bed all night?Copy !req
1266. No.Copy !req
1267. - You're soaking.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1268. You're also an idiot.Copy !req
1269. Look, Laura,
I'm really sorry.Copy !req
1270. Thank you.
I appreciate it.Copy !req
1271. Why don't you just get back, and I'm
just gonna wait here for the bus.Copy !req
1272. No, I don't want to be there. When I saw you leave,
I used it as an excuse to get out.Copy !req
1273. Is there anything I can do?Copy !req
1274. - Come on.
- Where?Copy !req
1275. I'll show you.
Let's go.Copy !req
1276. Right.Copy !req
1277. Dad used to bring us here
when we were kids.Copy !req
1278. Listen, Rob,
would you have sex with me?Copy !req
1279. 'Cause I want to feel
something else than this.Copy !req
1280. It's either that, or I go home
and put my hand in the fire.Copy !req
1281. Unless you want to stub
cigarettes out on my arm.Copy !req
1282. No. I only have a few left.
I've been saving them for later.Copy !req
1283. Right.
It'll have to be sex, then.Copy !req
1284. Right. Right.Copy !req
1285. I knew there was a reason
I wore a skirt today.Copy !req
1286. - Just stay there.
- Okay.Copy !req
1287. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
1288. It doesn't seem so long ago
that I looked at you from here.Copy !req
1289. Hey, go be with your mom.Copy !req
1290. I'm too tired.Copy !req
1291. I'm too tired not to be with you.Copy !req
1292. So if you had a bit more energy,
we'd stay split up?Copy !req
1293. But things being as they are, you being wiped
out and all, you wanna get back together?Copy !req
1294. - Is that it?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1295. Mmm. What about Ian?Copy !req
1296. Well, Ray's a disaster.Copy !req
1297. Look...Copy !req
1298. I, I know it's not very romantic, Rob.Copy !req
1299. But there will be romance again
at some stage, I'm sure.Copy !req
1300. - I just—
- So... that's it?Copy !req
1301. Well, you've made it clear
you want me back, so—Copy !req
1302. Look, um, we can talk about it
later if-if you want to.Copy !req
1303. Right now, I—
I just—Copy !req
1304. Right now, I just
want to go home... with you.Copy !req
1305. Okay.Copy !req
1306. So... yeah.Copy !req
1307. And so we got back together,
and it was great.Copy !req
1308. She moved all her stuff back in,
all at once.Copy !req
1309. - When did you decide to get back with me, exactly?
- I'm not telling you.Copy !req
1310. What else?Copy !req
1311. How can you like Art Garfunkel
and Marvin Gaye?Copy !req
1312. That's like saying you support
the Israelis and the Palestinians.Copy !req
1313. No, it's not like saying
that at all, actually, Rob.Copy !req
1314. Marvin Gaye and Art Garfunkel
make pop records.Copy !req
1315. Made. Made. Marvin Gaye's dead.
His father shot him.Copy !req
1316. You could say it was everything
I ever wanted... really.Copy !req
1317. - Marvin Gaye! "Let's Get It On."
- I know.Copy !req
1318. That's our song! Marvin Gaye is
responsible for our entire relationship.Copy !req
1319. Oh, is that so? I'd like
a word with him, then.Copy !req
1320. It was everything I ever wanted.Copy !req
1321. Except, for some fucking reason...Copy !req
1322. this—Copy !req
1323. Excuse me.
Is this Stereo Lab?Copy !req
1324. Yeah. Yeah, it is.Copy !req
1325. I haven't heard this one.
It's really good.Copy !req
1326. Yeah, I know.Copy !req
1327. Are you Bob?Copy !req
1328. Rob.Copy !req
1329. Oh, right. Yeah, Rob.
You used to deejay.Copy !req
1330. I used to go to the Double Door
to hear you spin.Copy !req
1331. You were unbelievable.Copy !req
1332. - Really? Well—
- I'm Caroline.Copy !req
1333. Hi.Copy !req
1334. - What do you do?
- I work for The Reader. I write a music column.Copy !req
1335. You're Caroline Fortis?
I read your column.Copy !req
1336. - It's great.
You really know what you're talking about. - Thanks.Copy !req
1337. - Rob, phone.
- Can you take a message?Copy !req
1338. It's your girlfriend.Copy !req
1339. Excuse me.Copy !req
1340. Hey.Copy !req
1341. Hey, what the fuck is this?Copy !req
1342. - Talk to your woman.
- It was her idea.Copy !req
1343. Laura!Copy !req
1344. "Dance music for old people"?Copy !req
1345. It's an idea I had when I was with, um, Ian...Copy !req
1346. and I thought it was such a good one, that I was
really annoyed we weren't together anymore.Copy !req
1347. - It may be why I came back.
- A record release party?Copy !req
1348. What if I was doing something
that can't be cancelled?Copy !req
1349. - What are you ever doing that can't be cancelled?
- That's not the point!Copy !req
1350. - The single cannot be done. There's a million things!
- It'll be done. Guess what?Copy !req
1351. Oh, guess what? Barry said
his band will play a set.Copy !req
1352. Barry is playing at this thing?Copy !req
1353. Fucking, what are you— Are you insane?Copy !req
1354. Barry, I'll give you ten percent
of the door if you don't play.Copy !req
1355. Rob, we're getting that anyway.Copy !req
1356. - Twenty. Twenty percent.
- No! Come on, Rob. We need the gig.Copy !req
1357. A hundred and ten percent. That's how
much it means to me not to hear you play.Copy !req
1358. - Rob, we're called Sonic Death Monkey.
- Sonic Death Monkey?Copy !req
1359. Yeah. And if Laura and her bourgeois
lawyer friends can't handle it, fuck them.Copy !req
1360. Let 'em riot.
We're Sonic fucking Death Monkey.Copy !req
1361. Let me get this straight.
We made the C.D. with you.Copy !req
1362. Now your friends and your girlfriend are
throwing some kind of celebration party...Copy !req
1363. and you're asking us
not to come to the party?Copy !req
1364. Exactly.Copy !req
1365. I don't know, dude.
That just seems kind of stupid.Copy !req
1366. It's just the whole thing
is just blown way out of proportion.Copy !req
1367. It's just a three-song CD.
It's a single.Copy !req
1368. It's just— It's not a big deal.Copy !req
1369. It's just that you're making something.Copy !req
1370. You, the critic,
the professional appreciator...Copy !req
1371. put something new into the world.Copy !req
1372. The second one of those things gets sold
to someone, you're officially a part of it.Copy !req
1373. Congratulations, Rob.Copy !req
1374. You know, I guess I think I've always
been a professional critic...Copy !req
1375. you know, or some sort of
professional appreciator or something.Copy !req
1376. And I just wanted to, you know,
do something new...Copy !req
1377. put something new out into the world...Copy !req
1378. kind of really put my money
where my mouth is.Copy !req
1379. Yeah. Wow. You know,
I would love to hear them.Copy !req
1380. - Why don't I send it over to you when it's, uh, done?
- Really?Copy !req
1381. - I will look forward to that.
- I will look forward to sending it.Copy !req
1382. - You know, we should get back to the interview.
- Yeah, let's do that.Copy !req
1383. Okay. What are your all-time
top five favorite records?Copy !req
1384. In the club or at home?Copy !req
1385. Listen. I'll tell you what.
Why don't I just make you a tape?Copy !req
1386. Now, the making of a good
compilation tape is a very subtle art.Copy !req
1387. Many do's and don'ts.Copy !req
1388. First of all, you're using someone
else's poetry to express how you feel.Copy !req
1389. This is a delicate thing.Copy !req
1390. So, for this one,
I'm thinking...Copy !req
1391. I'm thinking—Copy !req
1392. When is this gonna stop?Copy !req
1393. When's what gonna stop?Copy !req
1394. Uh, nothing.Copy !req
1395. Who's the tape for?Copy !req
1396. Just some girl who interviewed me
for The Reader.Copy !req
1397. So what am I gonna do now?
Just keep jumping...Copy !req
1398. from rock to rock for the rest of my
life until there aren't any rocks left?Copy !req
1399. Should I bolt every time I get that feeling
in my gut when I meet someone new?Copy !req
1400. I've been thinking with my gut
since I was 14 years old...Copy !req
1401. and, frankly speaking, I've come to the
conclusion that my guts have shit for brains.Copy !req
1402. Hi. Drinking lunch
on a school day.Copy !req
1403. That's a nice surprise.Copy !req
1404. - Are you nervous about tomorrow night?
- Not really, no.Copy !req
1405. Well, are you gonna talk to me,
or shall I get my paper out?Copy !req
1406. - No, I'm gonna talk to you.
- Great. What are you gonna talk to me about?Copy !req
1407. Um, I'm gonna talk to you
about whether or not...Copy !req
1408. you want to get married to me.Copy !req
1409. - I'm serious.
- Yes, I know.Copy !req
1410. Well, thanks a fucking bunch.Copy !req
1411. I'm sorry. Two days ago,
you were making tapes...Copy !req
1412. - for that girl from The Reader.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1413. Well, forgive me if I don't think
of you as the world's safest bet.Copy !req
1414. Would you marry me if I was?Copy !req
1415. - What brought all this on?
- I don't know.Copy !req
1416. - I'm just sick of thinking about it all the time.
- About what?Copy !req
1417. This stuff. Love and... settling down
and marriage, you know?Copy !req
1418. I want to think about something else.Copy !req
1419. I changed my mind.Copy !req
1420. That's the most romantic thing
I've ever heard.Copy !req
1421. - I do. I will.
- Just shut up, please.Copy !req
1422. I'm trying to explain, okay?Copy !req
1423. That other girl,
or other women, whatever—Copy !req
1424. I mean, I was thinking
that they're just fantasies.Copy !req
1425. You know? And they always
seem really great...Copy !req
1426. because there's never any problems.Copy !req
1427. And if there are,
they're cute problems...Copy !req
1428. like, you know, we bought each other
the same Christmas present...Copy !req
1429. or she wants to go see a movie
that I've already seen, you know?Copy !req
1430. And then I come home,
and you and I have real problems...Copy !req
1431. and you don't even want to see
the movie I want to see, period.Copy !req
1432. - There's no lingerie and—
- I have lingerie.Copy !req
1433. Yes, you do. You have great lingerie.
But you also have the cotton underwear...Copy !req
1434. that's been washed a thousand times,
and it's hanging on the thing and—Copy !req
1435. And they have it too. It's just I don't have
to see it because it's not in the fantasy.Copy !req
1436. Do you understand?
I'm tired of the fantasy...Copy !req
1437. because it doesn't really exist.Copy !req
1438. And there are never really any
surprises, and it never really—Copy !req
1439. - Delivers?
- Delivers.Copy !req
1440. Right.
And I'm tired of it.Copy !req
1441. I'm tired of everything else,
for that matter.Copy !req
1442. But I don't ever seem to get tired of you.Copy !req
1443. So—Copy !req
1444. I think I know what you mean.Copy !req
1445. But were you really
expecting me to say yes?Copy !req
1446. I don't know. I didn't
think about it, really.Copy !req
1447. I thought asking was the important part.Copy !req
1448. Well, you've asked.
Thank you.Copy !req
1449. Uh, thanks for coming out here tonight.Copy !req
1450. That was just a little bit
of'I Sold My Mom's Wheelchair"...Copy !req
1451. the title track
from the album of same name...Copy !req
1452. the record we're having
this record release party for.Copy !req
1453. The two burgeoning criminals behind
this opus are standing by the bar.Copy !req
1454. They're underage,
and we'll lose our liquor license—Copy !req
1455. But we'll get to them in a moment.Copy !req
1456. First, I have to introduce a band,
so please don't leave...Copy !req
1457. until after they finish
and we play the record.Copy !req
1458. Right now,
it's my great, great pleasure...Copy !req
1459. to introduce...
Sonic Death Monkey.Copy !req
1460. I'm an idiot. I should've
played the whole album first.Copy !req
1461. - These people are gonna burn the place down.
- No, no, it's gonna be fine.Copy !req
1462. These people are ready for anything.Copy !req
1463. - It's gonna be fine. Watch.
- Thank you.Copy !req
1464. You're so kind. Rob, thank you
for the enthusiastic intro...Copy !req
1465. but we're no longer
called Sonic Death Monkey.Copy !req
1466. We're on the verge of being called,
uh, Kathleen Turner Overdrive.Copy !req
1467. However, this evening
we will be Barry Jive...Copy !req
1468. and the Uptown Five.Copy !req
1469. like breaking up, is hard to do and
takes ages longer than it might seem.Copy !req
1470. You gotta kick it off
with a killer to grab attention.Copy !req
1471. Then you gotta take it up a notch,
but you don't want to blow your wad.Copy !req
1472. So then you gotta cool it off a notch.
There are a lot of rules.Copy !req
1473. Anyway, I've started to make a tape...Copy !req
1474. Full of stuff that'd make her happy.Copy !req