1. Oh, my God!
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2. Go help him.
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3. It's Kreeger.
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4. Hey, Kreeger...
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5. think of your family. Come on down, man.
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6. Chief, what happened?
Is that Sgt. Kreeger up there?
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7. He says he's a Cleveland Indian
and he's going to jump.
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8. Best damn man on the force for 30 years...
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9. and now I've got a frigging Sitting Bull
who needs a rubber teepee.
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10. Let me see what I can do, all right?
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11. Okay, but I've got public works
sending over a cherry picker...
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12. to get him down if you can't.
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13. Sgt. Kreeger.
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14. Kreeger!
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15. That's near enough.
Stop right there, white man.
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16. It's me. I'm Eddie Burke.
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17. Hi, Burke.
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18. Fine mess I got myself into, isn't it?
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19. - What happened, Sarge?
- I don't know. It just came over me.
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20. One minute I was booking this turkey
for making an illegal left turn...
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21. the next minute I was Chief Rain-in-the-ass.
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22. That's far enough!
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23. Come on down, Sarge.
Put your uniform back on.
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24. I can't.
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25. - Why not?
- I'm nuts.
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26. They got guys down there
who can cure you.
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27. I don't wanna be cured.
I want to be a Cleveland Indian.
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28. Did you know that Bob Feller...
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29. pitched 350 strikeouts in 1947?
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30. It was 348 in 1946, Sergeant. Come on down.
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31. See? I can't even remember
the numbers anymore. I'm gonna jump.
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32. Wait!
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33. Don't jump now. No! Wait!
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34. What about your kids?
What about the baseball team?
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35. I lost all my good players.
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36. - What?
- My team, The Tigers.
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37. I lost all my good players from last year.
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38. I had my first practice yesterday.
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39. Come on down, Sarge. The Tigers need you.
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40. The league will have to find somebody else
for those pea-brained losers.
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41. No, think of those kids.
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42. You can't let those little kids down.
Come on down, Sarge.
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43. My, God, he's gonna jump. Look out!
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44. You're right. We can't let the kids down.
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45. - You coach my Tigers.
- Sarge, I can't.
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46. You know your stuff.
You played high school ball.
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47. I remember you. You'll do great.
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48. You coach and I won't kill myself.
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49. Okay. I'll coach the Tigers, one season.
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50. And then my wife will divorce me.
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51. Kyle, see you. Take care.
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52. So long, we'll see you tomorrow.
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53. Hello, Richie, how you doing?
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54. - Burt, did you get those hot sheets?
- Yeah.
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55. - And I got the 10-30's straight.
- Hiya, coach.
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56. How you doing, Kyle?
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57. - Sgt. Kreeger was crazy like a fox, man.
- What would you have done?
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58. You ain't seen the Tigers yet.
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59. Word says your team
couldn't even get itself kidnapped.
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60. Hey, no sweat.
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61. My partner here will have them
whipped into shape, just like that.
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62. I got a buddy that saw the line-up.
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63. And I got five big ones that says you guys
don't do no better than second division.
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64. - I'll take that bet.
- You're on.
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65. - Burt, no!
- $25.
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66. Wait. "Five big ones" is $500.
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67. - I'm willing to cancel it, Burt.
- Oh, no!
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68. Burt Honneger is a man of honor.
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69. Holy shit!
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70. - You think you got a chance?
- I don't know.
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71. I haven't even seen the talent yet.
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72. I mean, I played All-City third base
in my junior year in college.
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73. I never coached anybody in my life.
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74. Cancel the bet, Burt.
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75. But I better give you a helping hand.
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76. That's how my money's got
a running chance.
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77. - Did you ever play ball?
- Fifth grade, went out for catcher.
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78. - But I got beat up by Dale Bueler.
- He really must have been good.
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79. Dale was a girl.
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80. The Panthers will wipe the league
six ways from Sunday...
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81. and they got two pitchers
with E.R.A's of 2.12.
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82. - What's an E.R.A.?
- It's just like an A.P.B.
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83. I'm beginning to think
I should've let Sgt. Kreeger kill himself.
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84. - You ain't gonna get me.
- No way!
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85. Timmy Deutsch, stop that or I'll rat on you.
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86. Let go!
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87. Oh, good.
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88. You bastard!
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89. All right, come on, get in. Come on, throw it.
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90. Kids.
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91. Kids, I'm Eddie Burke, your new coach.
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92. Another flatfoot.
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93. Officer Burke.
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94. - What's your name?
- It's Eaglescout Terwilliger.
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95. - Yeah, well, who are you?
- Fritz Curtis.
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96. That's the bionic mouth.
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97. What can I do for you, Eaglescout?
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98. Before you arrived, Timmy Deutsch
over there was choking the little kids.
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99. - I was not.
- Liar!
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100. - Shut up!
- Bullies are so insecure.
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101. - How old are you?
- Ten.
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102. - You want to live to be 11?
- Shut up!
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103. Hey, hold it!
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104. - The fuzz speaks.
- A hairy Kojak.
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105. Now, I thought you kids
wanted to play baseball.
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106. Who do I talk to,
to get a transfer out of this chicken outfit?
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107. Are we gonna have tryouts
for all the positions?
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108. It's the only fair way.
That way, nobody's gonna get screwed.
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109. - You'll get screwed, you little flea.
- Cram it, Deutsch!
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110. Hold it!
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111. All right, who cut it?
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112. That's disgusting.
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113. Who the hell's that?
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114. That's my assistant coach.
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115. If that's your assistant coach,
I think we're in big trouble.
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116. All right, kids, let's hit the field.
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117. Spread it out.
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118. Do we have to do this?
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119. He's gonna eat a booger.
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120. - What's your name?
- Roger.
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121. Here you go, Roger.
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122. No, your nose, Roger.
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123. - What's your name?
- Noel Cady.
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124. - We call him Peanuts.
- He's our mascot.
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125. - Shut it, Deutsch!
- Hold it!
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126. Okay.
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127. Look, one of the things that we used
to do that was important...
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128. was we'd check the wind direction.
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129. That's the first thing you do so you don't
get fooled by a high fly ball, you know?
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130. You take some grass, just like this...
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131. and you throw it up in the air. That way,
you can see which way the ball's gonna go.
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132. All right? Everybody do that, come on.
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133. North by northwest.
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134. That's southwest, you geek.
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135. I'm gonna make you eat that crap.
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136. Deutsch doesn't know
what he's talking about!
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137. Stupid!
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138. There goes my $500.
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139. Put it this way, Burt.
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140. I can wind up the season
as everybody's favorite bad guy.
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141. So, if I spend the time and
make the Tigers win, my wife will kill me.
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142. If I don't and they lose, you lose your $500...
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143. the kids hate me and the Chief will blame me
for reflecting badly on the force.
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144. So, if I win, I lose and if I lose, I lose.
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145. Don't worry. I got a book on baseball.
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146. I'm gonna be a great assistant coach.
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147. "A runner acquires the right
to an unoccupied base...
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148. "when he touches it before he is out."
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149. Burt, put the book away.
You're making me nervous.
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150. Two-Bravo-Ten.
We have a report from a lady...
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151. who claims a dog is going to the bathroom
all over her lawn...
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152. and it isn't her dog.
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153. 10-4.
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154. - Why don't they call a dog pound?
- Damned if I know.
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155. So what's a squeeze play?
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156. Squeeze play is what I'm gonna do
to your head...
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157. if you don't stop talking about baseball.
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158. That's not a squeeze play.
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159. Oh, come on.
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160. We chased this guy
half way down the block...
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161. Men. At ease.
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162. Before you start your tours,
I just want to clue you...
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163. on the vandal operating on the west side.
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164. The M.O. is very close
to the one used a year ago by...
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165. Francis Xavier Rivera.
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166. - Not Ballbuster Rivera?
- That's him.
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167. "Age, 11. Height, 4'10".
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168. "Weight, 85 or 86 pounds. Hispanic."
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169. He did two bits at
the correctional facility at Pennsburg...
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170. and spent most of last year at juvie.
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171. - What's his thing, Chief?
- He hates cars.
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172. Yesterday, he vandalized six Granadas
and a couple of Montegoes.
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173. The shrink says he hates them
because they're bigger than he is.
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174. Now, men, be on the lookout for Ballbuster,
before he does any more damage.
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175. That's all, men.
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176. Why the hell can't you watch
where you're going?
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177. - You watch it, lady.
- You pretty chauvinist pig.
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178. Damn fool!
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179. Watch it, you!
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180. All right.
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181. Hold it.
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182. Police brutality.
Get off my ass, you blue-balled faggot.
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183. Easy does it.
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184. Hands off the threads, sucker!
You rip this shirt, you buy me a new one.
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185. - Are you Francis Xavier Rivera?
- No, I'm Jimmy Carter.
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186. "You have the right to remain silent...
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187. - "and you have the right to—"
- Don't you think you better cuff me?
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188. I think we can trust you.
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189. Relax here a minute, Buster.
We'll be right back.
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190. - How do you know I ain't gonna split?
- You got no place to hide.
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191. Sit down and wait.
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192. - What you in for?
- Armed robbery. 10 counts of assault.
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193. - How about you?
- Grand theft auto.
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194. Okay, son. Let's hear your side of it.
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195. Yes, ma'am.
I'm very sorry for this whole mix-up.
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196. It's a simple mistake. These officers,
they thought they were doing their duty.
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197. I was an innocent bystander.
It's a case of mistaken identity.
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198. Bullshit.
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199. Buster, you've been nothing but trouble...
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200. since you were old enough
to smash up your first car.
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201. Your parents have remanded you
to the care of juvenile court.
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202. They simply do not want you
around anymore.
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203. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to put you
in the care of...
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204. the State Correctional Institution
at Greenport for an indefinite stay.
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205. No sweat, Judge, honey.
I've been in jail before.
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206. - Your Honor, may I have a moment?
- Of course.
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207. Greenport's an awfully rough place
and he's not such a bad kid.
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208. Are you familiar with my program
of host homes, Officer Burke?
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209. Yeah, isn't that, that crazy program
where they put the little crooks...
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210. in with the nice people
and screw everybody up?
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211. That is where youthful offenders get a last
chance to be saved from going to prison.
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212. Buster, you spent time at juvenile hall.
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213. It did you no good, whatsoever.
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214. I think what you need is a good
strong home with a good strong father.
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215. Someone like, Officer Burke, here.
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216. This fat-ass booger
trying to play Starsky and Hutch?
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217. You got to be kidding me.
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218. That will be enough
of that kind of talk, Buster.
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219. Ma'am, I'm very busy.
I have a wife and a baseball team.
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220. Wonderful, Buster can learn some skill
besides bumper removal.
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221. This could be his last chance.
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222. A kid whose father and mother
don't even want to see him again.
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223. Ma'am, I couldn't.
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224. I couldn't be sure that when he was
stealing home, he wasn't stealing my home.
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225. No, I'd just tell Buster,
that if there's any trouble...
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226. he'll go to Greenport for the maximum.
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227. Ma'am, I couldn't.
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228. Buster, this is my wife, Mrs. Burke.
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229. Why did a nice piece of fluff like you
go and marry this dead head for?
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230. I'm still trying to figure that one out myself.
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231. We're gonna have a great time.
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232. But now, first, you gotta get your rest.
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233. Tomorrow's your first day of practice
with the Tigers. You wanna do your best.
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234. I'd rather go to jail.
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235. Now, what we're gonna do is,
we're gonna talk about the fastball.
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236. That is when you swing the bat so fast...
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237. the minute you see the ball
leave the pitcher's...
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238. - What are you doing?
- Nothing.
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239. - Huh?
- Nothing.
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240. All right, now that is how fast
the fastballer ball is. Right?
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241. Got any questions on that?
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242. Yeah, how do we know
if it's a fastball or not?
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243. You'll know, right? You will know.
All right, now on positions, positions.
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244. I want you all to be able to play
the same position...
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245. so we'll be able to be flexible, right?
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246. Then we'll be able
to confuse the opposition.
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247. We'll be able to play as a team.
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248. - We'll confuse them, all right.
- Eddie.
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249. Kids, everybody out on the field.
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250. We only got two more practices
before our first game with the Cubs.
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251. - What's wrong?
- Nobody wants to be catcher.
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252. Burt tells me he can't get anybody
to work behind the plate.
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253. You crazy?
A sucker could get killed back there.
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254. Have you ever seen Johnny Bench's
fingers up close? Yuck!
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255. All bent and broken and stubby and—
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256. All right, Sharyn,
I won't make you be catcher.
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257. I wouldn't want to get sued
for ruining your modeling career.
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258. You got that right.
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259. Timmy, you're a tough kid. How about you?
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260. I'm a bully, Mister. I can't take it worth shit.
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261. - Art, you got the build for it.
- You crazy, fuzz?
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262. I wouldn't squat back there
for all the Sugar Babies in the world.
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263. - Catchers don't have to run wind sprints.
- You got your catcher.
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264. Stop it! What is wrong with you guys?
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265. You guys are supposed to be
baseball players.
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266. Mike, how are you gonna learn to pitch
if you're like that?
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267. Kids, stop it. Come on, now.
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268. Beat you to home plate, fat ass.
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269. Rule number 19 says...
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270. - Come on, Eddie, give me one.
- Okay, now, here we go.
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271. I got it!
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272. You can have it.
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273. I'm gonna hit the ball right out there.
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274. - Where you been?
- Watching TV.
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275. Let me see if your uniform needs taking in.
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276. - I ain't wearing no uniform.
- Why not?
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277. I got a rep.
Buster Rivera don't wear no fag threads.
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278. I'll give you a choice between this uniform
and the uniform they give you at Greenport.
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279. I got an 11-inch neck.
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280. - Ready? Hustle.
- Hustle, my ass.
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281. Go!
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282. Ready, group one, you ready? Go!
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283. Come on!
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284. Oh, Jesus.
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285. Hold it, Scoop.
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286. - Is that your fastball?
- Pretty cool, huh?
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287. Yeah, if the batter's 18 feet tall.
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288. - Can I talk to you confidential?
- Yeah.
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289. - I only got two pitches, but I'm all you got.
- I know.
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290. I got fast and wild or slow and meatball.
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291. - Can I talk to you confidential?
- Sure.
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292. I'm gonna work your tail off.
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293. Sgt. Kreeger already tried that, he gave up.
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294. He said anybody who tried
to catch my fastball...
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295. would arrest me for attempted murder.
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296. - Play ball!
- Yeah, Mikey.
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297. Hum chuck, Mikey. Let's go, Mikey.
Attaboy, Mikey. Let's go, Mikey, baby.
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298. Hum chuck. No batter.
Come on, Mikey, baby.
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299. Mike, come on! Throw it in!
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300. Come on, Mikey, baby.
Hum chuck, no batter. Come on, Mikey.
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301. Hum chuck, no batter.
Come on, Mikey, baby.
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302. Hum chuck, Mikey, baby. Hum chuck, Mike.
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303. No batter!
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304. - No ump!
- Bueler, are you all right?
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305. Jeez, the guy's out cold.
What'd your kid put on the ball?
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306. Lucky he didn't hit him with his curve.
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307. You can't play this game without
a sanctioned ump! This game's called.
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308. Okay, whatever you guys say
is okay with me.
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309. The game between
the Cubs and Tigers is called.
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310. It will be replayed
tomorrow afternoon at 3:15.
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311. Thank you all for coming.
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312. - Too bad we couldn't play you guys.
- Pansies.
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313. They look like their mothers taught them
how to throw.
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314. You'll get your chance
to show what you can do.
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315. Take the field and play ball!
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316. Okay, guys, today's the day
you put it to the Cubs.
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317. Spirit, now. Hum chuck, gals.
Hum chuck, boys.
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318. Remember what we learned this week
and you'll maul them.
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319. I don't feel so good.
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320. Me, neither.
I got to get a letter from my doctor.
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321. - I got jaundice.
- I've a deviated septum.
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322. I have a hangover.
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323. I'm getting my period next year.
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324. Hang on, people!
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325. Waiting for an engraved invite?
Let's play ball!
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326. Come on.
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327. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
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328. Welcome to the replaying
of the season's opener...
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329. between the Cubs and Tigers.
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330. On the mound for the Tigers is Mike Karpel.
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331. What the hell did you do to your glove?
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332. I taped the sucker.
I thought maybe you could find it easier.
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333. Put the ball over the plate.
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334. Kelly Robinson.
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335. Ball!
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336. Watch it.
You'll get hurt with this guy up there.
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337. Okay. Come on, now. Let's go, come on.
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338. You give me a pitch, pretty boy,
and I'm gonna take it downtown.
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339. Get off of me!
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340. Oh, what the heck?
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341. What'd you put on this freaking ball? One of
your goddam boogers, you little creep?
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342. Patty, what are you doing?
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343. He put his snot all over the mother.
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344. I don't care what he put on it. Play the ball.
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345. You don't have to get all crazy.
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346. Ralph Parks.
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347. Hum chuck, Ralphy.
Let's go, Ralphy, baby! Hum chuck.
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348. - That's the way to stay in there.
- Strike one.
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349. Hum chuck, Ralphy. That's the way, Ralphy.
Let's go.
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350. - Stay in there, Ralphy.
- Strike two.
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351. Ralphy can't hit worth shit.
Hum chuck, Ralphy.
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352. Let's go, Ralphy. Come on, Ralphy, baby.
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353. - Mouth?
- Yeah?
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354. - Do you ever stop talking?
- I don't think I can.
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355. Hum chuck. Let's go, Ralphy, baby.
Come on, Ralphy.
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356. You're out!
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357. - What do you mean he's out?
- Your guy never touched first base.
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358. - Catcher tag him yet?
- No.
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359. You're safe.
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360. You just witnessed
the first five-bagger in history...
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361. that counts as a single.
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362. - What are you doing Thursday night?
- My hair.
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363. - No, I mean, who you going out with?
- Nobody.
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364. - How about me?
- What about you?
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365. - How about going out with me?
- Where?
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366. - To the drive-in.
- Who'll drive, your father?
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367. No, we can sneak in. I got two lawn chairs.
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368. You want me, the prettiest girl in the state,
to go to a drive-in and sit on lawn chairs?
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369. Yeah.
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370. - Pick me up at 6:30.
- Okay.
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371. - What's your name?
- Bobby.
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372. - You go to Johnson Jr.?
- Yeah, I got Ms. Deloria for homeroom.
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373. - You got a date for the dance?
- Yeah.
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374. Got to go.
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375. So long. Sorry about the dance.
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376. Safe!
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377. - Throw the ball!
- I'm trying.
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378. Throw it!
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379. Safe!
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380. And that's 12 runs for the Cubs...
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381. in what seems to be
the highest-scoring game of the season.
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382. Strike!
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383. Time out!
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384. Play ball!
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385. - Oh, help, a fart.
- Help, a fart.
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386. Art the Fart!
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387. There seems to be
some kind of trouble in the Tigers' dugout.
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388. We'll try and get a report on it.
Copy !req
389. It stinks here.
Copy !req
390. Fellas, let's get in there.
Copy !req
391. Get back there.
Copy !req
392. Play ball!
Copy !req
393. Oh, it's in my shirt, it's in my shirt!
Copy !req
394. - Give me the ball!
- You get away from me!
Copy !req
395. - Give me the ball!
- You get away from me!
Copy !req
396. - What, are you trying to let them win?
- I'm sorry.
Copy !req
397. Jesus, this is embarrassing.
Copy !req
398. You better watch it, you little...
Copy !req
399. Play ball!
Copy !req
400. I'm gonna kill you.
Copy !req
401. Strike.
Copy !req
402. Now up for the Cubs, Scot Fitzsimmons.
Copy !req
403. - It's mine!
- It's mine!
Copy !req
404. Safe!
Copy !req
405. Fifteen-nothing here in the top of the sixth.
Copy !req
406. Tigers have a man on second
and a man on first.
Copy !req
407. Fritz Curtis is up.
Copy !req
408. - Your name's Charlene?
- No.
Copy !req
409. I could've sworn you're the one
who was scared of gerbils in third grade.
Copy !req
410. Strike.
Copy !req
411. You sure you never went to Center School...
Copy !req
412. and freaked
whenever you had to touch them?
Copy !req
413. Kid, why don't you keep your eye
on the stupid ball?
Copy !req
414. I was sure the kid's name was Charlene.
Went crazy around gerbils.
Copy !req
415. - Go!
- Go, Mouth!
Copy !req
416. Run!
Copy !req
417. And the Tigers load the bases.
Copy !req
418. Two outs. We got the bases loaded.
Copy !req
419. Fingers. Come on, Fingers.
Copy !req
420. Don't dust yourself off.
Copy !req
421. That's the ballgame. The Tigers are ruled
out for passing each other in the base path.
Copy !req
422. No runs scored.
Copy !req
423. All right. Way to go.
Copy !req
424. The Cubs win the game 19 to nothing.
Copy !req
425. Don't forget...
Copy !req
426. Kids, it's only the first one. No sweat, right?
Copy !req
427. - There's still all the rest of the season.
- Right?
Copy !req
428. The kids are really gonna raz us to death
when they hear about this.
Copy !req
429. I'm gonna have to pound on the whole
third grade just to make myself feel better.
Copy !req
430. The other teams are even better
than those turkeys.
Copy !req
431. They weren't so good.
Copy !req
432. Okay. So we booted her.
Copy !req
433. But, we'll be better. We just
need to work on fundamentals, right?
Copy !req
434. Okay, let's go get some ice cream.
Copy !req
435. - I'll pass the ice cream this time.
- Me, too.
Copy !req
436. The same.
Copy !req
437. - I don't want any ice cream.
- Me, neither.
Copy !req
438. Does this mean I don't get any ice cream?
Copy !req
439. You show me a kid
who turns down free ice cream...
Copy !req
440. I'll show you a baseball team
that's in big trouble.
Copy !req
441. "T."
Copy !req
442. T-R-A-I-N. Train.
Copy !req
443. - They're great kids, Eddie.
- That's what worries me.
Copy !req
444. They never gave up,
no matter how rotten things got.
Copy !req
445. They gave it their best shot.
Copy !req
446. Even though their best shots
weren't the greatest.
Copy !req
447. Yeah, but what happens to those kids
if they keep losing all season long?
Copy !req
448. If you're worried about it,
why don't you tell them? Talk to them.
Copy !req
449. Maybe we should give it a try.
Copy !req
450. - You want some pizza?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
451. Anchovies, sick. Don't you have any plain?
Copy !req
452. How about Burt?
Copy !req
453. - Anybody want another coke?
- Yeah, right here.
Copy !req
454. Could I have a coke?
Copy !req
455. Anybody want another coke?
Copy !req
456. I wonder why God invented anchovies.
Copy !req
457. Don't do that!
Copy !req
458. - Hey, you want some pizza?
- Here, right here.
Copy !req
459. - Anchovies, don't you have any plain?
- What is it?
Copy !req
460. - Hey, where'd you get this?
- No way.
Copy !req
461. Hey, let me have a piece.
Copy !req
462. Anybody want another coke?
Copy !req
463. - All right, kids...
- There is no more.
Copy !req
464. Kids, listen up now.
Copy !req
465. Stop me if I'm wrong, but I got a feeling
you feel pretty badly about yesterday.
Copy !req
466. - Yeah.
- Maybe you wanna quit?
Copy !req
467. Look, I think you kids are about
the best bunch any guy could ask for.
Copy !req
468. You're funny, intelligent...
Copy !req
469. you're quick. You make more sense
to me than most adults.
Copy !req
470. - But it's just too bad we can't play baseball.
- Says who?
Copy !req
471. Some adult says you can't play baseball,
says you're no good...
Copy !req
472. so you believe them instead of yourselves.
Copy !req
473. Losing sure sucks.
Copy !req
474. We could win if we try.
Copy !req
475. My dad said he wanted me to quit the team.
Everybody's ribbing him about the Tigers.
Copy !req
476. Be fun to show them mothers
we got what it takes.
Copy !req
477. Yeah.
Copy !req
478. Well, it's not gonna be easy.
Copy !req
479. I just wish I can see their faces
if we started winning.
Copy !req
480. - Yeah.
- If we got to the championship.
Copy !req
481. All right! Yeah!
Copy !req
482. Patty, look at the seams of the ball.
Copy !req
483. Don't you look at the ball,
look at the seams. Okay?
Copy !req
484. All right. I'll watch the goddamn seams.
Copy !req
485. Roger, you got to work on your throw
to the plate.
Copy !req
486. - It's no good?
- It never gets there.
Copy !req
487. We got to put a little strength in your hands
so you can get some snap in your throws.
Copy !req
488. So far, the only exercise your hand gets
is up your schnoz.
Copy !req
489. Squeeze that.
Copy !req
490. You squeeze it day and night,
except when you're sleeping.
Copy !req
491. You're gonna have the best peg
in the outfield.
Copy !req
492. Out!
Copy !req
493. You're out!
Copy !req
494. All right! All right, Art, good going.
Copy !req
495. Strike three! You're out!
Copy !req
496. Sweet Adelaine
Copy !req
497. My Adelaine
Copy !req
498. Hey, I gotta call Adelaine.
She's waiting for me.
Copy !req
499. I'm coming, Adelaine.
Copy !req
500. I don't know no Adelaine.
Copy !req
501. What good are phones? Phones bother you.
Copy !req
502. You invent this mother,
you ain't never gonna hear the end of it!
Copy !req
503. Aesop.
Copy !req
504. - Okay, Aesop.
- That you, Burke?
Copy !req
505. Open your eyes, let's go.
Copy !req
506. - They don't mind.
- What did you do to this phone?
Copy !req
507. Got no room in my head to store my lids.
Copy !req
508. Filled with a headache.
Copy !req
509. I can walk, you...
Copy !req
510. Come on, I got your room all ready for you.
Copy !req
511. Hear your crummy ball club's
getting reamed by little old ladies...
Copy !req
512. using umbrellas for baseball bats.
Copy !req
513. Word's out, is it? Here, sit down.
Copy !req
514. Bonnie the bookie's got you
600 to 1 for the title.
Copy !req
515. Even money for the cellar.
Copy !req
516. Give the kids a break.
Copy !req
517. They only dropped a couple of games
and a lot of the season's left.
Copy !req
518. That's revolting,
to see a man in that condition.
Copy !req
519. I got this way drinking.
Copy !req
520. Did you come by your ugly face naturally?
Copy !req
521. - You guys need an offense.
- We need a defense, too.
Copy !req
522. I wanna trade you some hot scoop
for some drinking money.
Copy !req
523. What hot scoop?
Copy !req
524. The name of a new kid in town
who can hit the ball.
Copy !req
525. - And he ain't joined no team yet.
- How'd you hear about him?
Copy !req
526. Passed out in a bush.
Copy !req
527. When I woke up, this kid and his old man
were practicing, hitting some fungoes...
Copy !req
528. and I followed them home.
Copy !req
529. No drinking money, Aesop.
Copy !req
530. Breakfast?
Copy !req
531. You got yourself a deal.
Copy !req
532. Kids...
Copy !req
533. I want you to welcome
our new team mate, Umeki Siddaharo.
Copy !req
534. His ways may be a little different...
Copy !req
535. but I think you'll appreciate
what he can do for our offense.
Copy !req
536. I don't believe he's so good.
Can he do any of this karate?
Copy !req
537. Holy shit!
Copy !req
538. Good knock. All right.
Copy !req
539. Coming to bat...
Copy !req
540. Coming to bat, the Tigers' newest addition,
I hope I have this right...
Copy !req
541. Umeki Siddaharo.
Copy !req
542. Time out!
Copy !req
543. - Is that growling legal?
- How the hell do I know?
Copy !req
544. - Sounds like a gorilla in heat.
- Just strike him out, Bobby.
Copy !req
545. Time in, play ball!
Copy !req
546. Oh, shit!
Copy !req
547. Safe!
Copy !req
548. First up for the Tigers, Ralphy Parks.
Copy !req
549. - Come on, Ralph.
- Come on, Ralphy.
Copy !req
550. - Hum chuck, Ralphy.
- Go, Ralph.
Copy !req
551. You like drive-in movies?
Copy !req
552. - Come on, Ralph.
- Come on, Ralphy.
Copy !req
553. Come on!
Copy !req
554. - Did you see that?
- What a catch!
Copy !req
555. Way to go, Buster.
Copy !req
556. At bat, Mike Karpel.
Copy !req
557. Mr. America, where do you think
you're going?
Copy !req
558. - The ball hit me!
- The heck it did!
Copy !req
559. Bullshit.
Copy !req
560. - Excuse me, sirs.
- Who the hell are you?
Copy !req
561. Eaglescout Terwilliger.
Observe please, the game ball.
Copy !req
562. There's plainly a streak of Kiwi black polish
on the ball...
Copy !req
563. thus proving it did strike him on the foot.
Copy !req
564. Take your base.
Copy !req
565. Last inning, bottom of the sixth,
the Tigers lead by one run.
Copy !req
566. But the Pirates have last up
two men on base, two outs.
Copy !req
567. Come on, Mike. Two outs.
Copy !req
568. One more and we've got it!
Copy !req
569. The Pirates win it in the bottom of the sixth.
Copy !req
570. Thank you all for coming and for
your patronage to our refreshment stand.
Copy !req
571. Next weekend...
Copy !req
572. You know, that shoestring catch you made
today was one of the best I've ever seen.
Copy !req
573. Yeah.
Copy !req
574. - You want a ride home?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
575. Like my old man, my real one.
Copy !req
576. Every time I tried to do anything,
he'd hit me.
Copy !req
577. Maybe he'd been hurt once.
He probably still does hurt inside.
Copy !req
578. - Not as much as me and my sister hurt.
- In a different way, maybe.
Copy !req
579. He just didn't understand you, Buster.
Copy !req
580. He didn't understand you or himself.
You got to try and be patient.
Copy !req
581. Help him understand.
Copy !req
582. You think he knows I love him?
Copy !req
583. Maybe you got to tell him.
Copy !req
584. No, he'd think I was being a sissy.
Maricón.
Copy !req
585. - You know, he's not such a bad guy.
- Yeah, you are probably right.
Copy !req
586. So, what are we going to do
about my hitting?
Copy !req
587. I don't know.
Copy !req
588. Miracles.
Copy !req
589. But they're going to take some time.
Copy !req
590. The kids are playing great.
We'll be tops in no time!
Copy !req
591. It's a long way from being out of the cellar
to make it into first division.
Copy !req
592. Yeah, but we're out of the cellar.
You gotta creep before you can crawl.
Copy !req
593. We're going to keep on crawling
until we solve our pitching problem.
Copy !req
594. Mike's a good kid, but...
Copy !req
595. as a pitcher, he'd make a great outfielder.
Copy !req
596. Two-bravo-ten, we got a report of an 11-06...
Copy !req
597. at 319, Peteside Avenue, Mayfield House.
Copy !req
598. Two-bravo-ten, that's a roger.
We're on our way.
Copy !req
599. - Ms. Mayfield?
- Yes. This way, officers.
Copy !req
600. - You have no security at all?
- I never thought I needed any security.
Copy !req
601. But I was hardly prepared for vandalism.
Copy !req
602. I mean, I can understand theft for gain,
but the wanton destruction...
Copy !req
603. What time did you discover the vandalism?
Copy !req
604. Thurston, my chauffeur,
alerted me at 9:30 this morning.
Copy !req
605. Gee, that's too bad.
Copy !req
606. You didn't hear anything last night,
Ms. Mayfield?
Copy !req
607. Not a thing.
Copy !req
608. Who else lives in this house with you?
Copy !req
609. Just my son, Danny.
Copy !req
610. He didn't hear anything?
Copy !req
611. - My son is deaf, Officer.
- I'm sorry.
Copy !req
612. We'll fill out the report,
but cases like this are very hard to resolve...
Copy !req
613. unless, of course, you have some idea
who might have done it.
Copy !req
614. I'm outraged, but... I haven't a clue.
Copy !req
615. - How much do all these plants cost?
- About $600.
Copy !req
616. My sister had a fern. She killed it.
Copy !req
617. I'm sorry to hear that.
Copy !req
618. Is that your son, Mrs. Mayfield?
Copy !req
619. Yes, I do hate him playing baseball
all the time.
Copy !req
620. But he does love it so.
Copy !req
621. You think he'd consider
being on our baseball team, The Tigers?
Copy !req
622. No, I don't think so.
Besides, I couldn't condone it.
Copy !req
623. Yeah, but would you let him pitch?
Copy !req
624. I should say not!
Copy !req
625. Who knows what accidents
could befall a child from a hard ball...
Copy !req
626. or what germs lurk in a baseball field?
Copy !req
627. Ms. Mayfield,
you don't want to make him into...
Copy !req
628. one of your hot-house plants here, do you?
Copy !req
629. Part of me does. I get so anxious.
Copy !req
630. He's all I have.
Copy !req
631. Lend him to us.
Let him be one of the Tigers and grow up.
Copy !req
632. Well, if he wants to.
Copy !req
633. We're the Tigers
No one could be prouder
Copy !req
634. If you cannot hear us
We'll yell a little louder
Copy !req
635. I wonder how you hum chuck
a deaf pitcher?
Copy !req
636. I don't know. Maybe if he sees us
looking positive, he'll feel supported.
Copy !req
637. Maybe.
Copy !req
638. We're the Tigers
Copy !req
639. On the mound for the Tigers,
pitching his first game, Danny Mayfield.
Copy !req
640. Hum chuck, you deaf Danny baby.
Hum chuck. Come on, Danny.
Copy !req
641. Come on, baby. Hum chuck.
Copy !req
642. Strike three. You're out!
Copy !req
643. You're out!
Copy !req
644. That kid's a regular pitching machine.
Copy !req
645. - I've got it!
- I've got it!
Copy !req
646. You're out!
Copy !req
647. You want to go to the dance
Saturday night?
Copy !req
648. Three up, three down for the Cubs.
Copy !req
649. Still a nothing-nothing tie
in the bottom of the fourth.
Copy !req
650. Show me "A."
Copy !req
651. That means "ah."
Copy !req
652. Thanks, right?
Copy !req
653. - What are you kids doing?
- We're practicing our signals.
Copy !req
654. See, the cootie ball's two fingers.
Copy !req
655. And a slider with a droop is like this.
Copy !req
656. And the submarine ball is a finger in the ear.
Copy !req
657. - The bastard ball's the whole hand.
- Come on, let's go.
Copy !req
658. Bastard ball?
Copy !req
659. Now, up for the Tigers, Umeki Siddaharo.
Copy !req
660. He's going to walk him.
Copy !req
661. Don't let him walk you, Sid.
Copy !req
662. That ball's out of here!
Copy !req
663. The Tigers take the lead, one to nothing.
Copy !req
664. Strike three!
Copy !req
665. And the Tigers win it.
That makes it eight in a row for the Tigers...
Copy !req
666. putting them into a tie for second place.
Copy !req
667. If the Tigers get past their next two games,
they'll be in the championship...
Copy !req
668. against the defending champs, the Panthers.
Copy !req
669. A bet's a bet, Kyle.
Copy !req
670. You said we'd never
get past second division.
Copy !req
671. We beat the Phillies tomorrow...
Copy !req
672. we're in the championship game
against the Panthers.
Copy !req
673. You never would have done it if you
hadn't picked up Bruce Lee and Harpo Marx.
Copy !req
674. The Lord loveth a good loser, Kyle.
Copy !req
675. I don't suppose old Burt would like to go
double or nothing on the championship...
Copy !req
676. - against the Panthers, huh?
- Have to be crazy to make a bet like that.
Copy !req
677. Old Burt would have to be crazy
to take that bet.
Copy !req
678. I'll take that bet.
Copy !req
679. Old Burt's crazy. I just hope
we get by the Phillies tomorrow, Burt.
Copy !req
680. Come on.
Copy !req
681. You look like baseball players, my ass.
Copy !req
682. Shut up.
Copy !req
683. - Who are those guys, anyway?
- They are creeps. They are on the Panthers.
Copy !req
684. What do you think?
Copy !req
685. Chumps.
Copy !req
686. Bunch of turkeys.
Copy !req
687. - Hey, Buster.
- Hello, Buster.
Copy !req
688. Can I have your French fries?
Let me have some.
Copy !req
689. Hey, kids. Tigers!
Copy !req
690. Chief Duggan has something
he wants to say to you.
Copy !req
691. - Hi, boys and girls.
- Hi.
Copy !req
692. Congratulations.
Copy !req
693. You know, I think our community owes
a debt of gratitude to all of you.
Copy !req
694. By beating the Phillies, you're now ready...
Copy !req
695. against incredible odds...
Copy !req
696. to take on the Panthers
for the championship.
Copy !req
697. Yeah!
Copy !req
698. I know I speak for so many...
Copy !req
699. Oh, cut the fart.
Copy !req
700. - Mommy, it smells.
- Run.
Copy !req
701. You young children...
Copy !req
702. Man, that Luke Skywalker is something else.
Copy !req
703. What the hell happened
to Darth what's-his-name?
Copy !req
704. Vader, one mean breather.
Copy !req
705. I don't believe Luke Skywalker hit that thing
without any special equipment.
Copy !req
706. Why not?
Ben Kenobi told him about the Force.
Copy !req
707. All you got to do
is believe in the force of good.
Copy !req
708. That way you can hit your target
with your eyes closed.
Copy !req
709. You think that will improve Buster's hitting?
Copy !req
710. Very funny, man.
Copy !req
711. - Ready?
- Yeah, let's go.
Copy !req
712. - Make sure you get the deaf kid's arm.
- Got you, Razor.
Copy !req
713. - Here you go, Danny.
- Get away.
Copy !req
714. What are you doing? We're starting a game.
Copy !req
715. They don't allow retards in here.
Copy !req
716. - Who let you in?
- You better shut up.
Copy !req
717. Look what happened
when the sewer backed up: the Tigers.
Copy !req
718. Pussies.
Copy !req
719. Bug off! You'll get your chance on Saturday.
Copy !req
720. Hey, pitcher!
Copy !req
721. Danny, boy. Cat got your tongue?
Copy !req
722. I'm talking to you. When I talk, you listen.
Copy !req
723. Come on, you know he can't speak,
you lousy piece of shit.
Copy !req
724. Look you guys, let's just go on home.
Copy !req
725. "Look you guys, let's just go on home."
Copy !req
726. - You Italian?
- Why, you want to make something of it?
Copy !req
727. Yeah, what's this mean?
Copy !req
728. - Chicken shits.
- Yeah, punks.
Copy !req
729. Thanks a lot, Sid.
Copy !req
730. - You okay, Sharyn?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
731. Where's Danny?
Copy !req
732. Danny, you all right?
Copy !req
733. Sons of bitches.
Copy !req
734. - At least his arm's not broken.
- The shoulder is separated.
Copy !req
735. Damage is not serious.
Copy !req
736. But it's anybody's guess
as to when Danny can pitch again.
Copy !req
737. If I could get my hands
on those criminals...
Copy !req
738. The championship is a day after tomorrow.
Copy !req
739. Is there any chance that
the shoulder can reset and heal by itself?
Copy !req
740. Thousand to one against it.
Copy !req
741. I feel badly for Danny.
Copy !req
742. - There is one long shot.
- What's that?
Copy !req
743. I really don't recommend it
but there's an orthopedist...
Copy !req
744. by the name of Sternberg.
Copy !req
745. He's done some work
with some of the pro pitchers.
Copy !req
746. And he manipulates the muscles...
Copy !req
747. and it allows the joint to reintegrate.
Copy !req
748. - Surgery?
- No, he just resets the joint.
Copy !req
749. And if it works...
Copy !req
750. it's a 100% right away.
Copy !req
751. - Where is he?
- Harvard, I believe.
Copy !req
752. - Would you get him for me, please?
- Mrs. Mayfield, you're really with this?
Copy !req
753. The only way
to teach those little cruds a lesson...
Copy !req
754. is for Danny to go out there
and whip their tails.
Copy !req
755. Cross your fingers, here come the Tigers.
Copy !req
756. Come in.
Copy !req
757. How are you doing?
Copy !req
758. You know any way
I can believe in myself real quick?
Copy !req
759. I don't think it happens
quite that quickly, Buster.
Copy !req
760. Yeah, well if it don't,
I'll bag it for the team tomorrow.
Copy !req
761. I don't care what happens to me
but they worked hard.
Copy !req
762. So did you.
Copy !req
763. - Your fielding percentage has come way up.
- I know.
Copy !req
764. I believe in you, Buster.
Copy !req
765. Now, get some sleep. Tomorrow night
we're going to be celebrating.
Copy !req
766. - Good night.
- Good night.
Copy !req
767. Hey, God.
Copy !req
768. What do you say?
Copy !req
769. I guess you don't need any new friends.
Copy !req
770. Do you?
Copy !req
771. I need your help.
Copy !req
772. My fielding is okay, thanks to Eddie Burke.
He's a real nice guy.
Copy !req
773. My batting average is, well, awful.
Copy !req
774. I need your help real bad, sir.
Copy !req
775. Stop rattling the grape nuts.
Copy !req
776. Man, be cool.
Copy !req
777. - I'm sorry.
- Eggs will be ready in a minute.
Copy !req
778. Hello? Yeah.
Copy !req
779. I see.
Copy !req
780. Okay, if you think so.
Copy !req
781. Right. Thanks, Ms. Mayfield.
Copy !req
782. So?
Copy !req
783. Dr. Sternberg's in California
doing something to some tennis player.
Copy !req
784. Some dumb thing like that.
Copy !req
785. There goes the Panther game.
Copy !req
786. I'm sorry, Eddie.
Copy !req
787. Mrs. Mayfield says there may be still
a chance, so she's going to keep trying.
Copy !req
788. So we got a chance.
Copy !req
789. Now, are you sure you know exactly
what you're supposed to be doing?
Copy !req
790. But the Chief says I'm not supposed
to use the car unless it's official business.
Copy !req
791. I don't care what Chief Duggan says.
Use your light, use your siren...
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792. use your gun if you have to.
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793. But, get that doctor to the field
as soon as his plane comes in.
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794. Yes, ma'am.
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795. - That man is a dingle berry.
- He certainly is.
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796. Ladies and gentlemen...
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797. welcome to
the 15th Acorn League Championship.
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798. This year, the contest for
the giant golden trophy...
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799. will be between the Panthers and the Tigers.
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800. Okay, whose are those things?
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801. Gatorade!
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802. - My neck is hurting.
- What's wrong with your neck?
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803. I don't know.
I was asleep when it happened.
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804. Ladies and gentlemen,
please give your attention to the infield...
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805. for the introduction of the players.
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806. First, the Cinderella team of the league,
the Tigers.
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807. Ralph Parks in right field, batting first.
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808. Timmy Deutsch at second, batting second.
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809. Patricia O'Malley at third, batting third.
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810. Umeki Siddaharo, first, batting clean up.
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811. Roger Ross in center and...
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812. For perhaps the sixth time in a row,
the defending champions, the Panthers.
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813. At second base, batting first,
Eugene "Roadblock" Neary.
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814. At left field, batting second,
Howard "Ramrod" Steiner.
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815. At short, batting third,
Walter "The Hook" Coster.
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816. At first, batting clean up,
John "The Beast" Mascioni.
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817. At center field, batting fifth,
Big Bertha Mazurski.
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818. I'd like to see her birth certificate.
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819. You don't get birth certificates for monsters.
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820. If she's 12, I'll eat her mitt.
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821. At third, batting sixth,
Frank "The Razor" Schmidt.
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822. Batting seventh,
Rudolph "Cannonball" Magione.
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823. Batting eighth, the pride of San Juan...
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824. Enrico "the Flamethrower"...
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825. Garcia Jose Italbo Sinberguenca...
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826. Francisco y Garcia Lorca Gonzales.
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827. And pitching, batting ninth...
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828. with a season's E.R.A. of 2. 10...
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829. Spittin' Jim Hurley.
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830. O say, does that star-spangled banner
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831. Yet wave
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832. O'er the land of the free
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833. And the home of the brave?
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834. We would like to thank the Trade Center
school band for their performance...
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835. and you, parents, for your support all year.
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836. We have a change in the line-up.
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837. Mike Karpel will pitch
in place of Danny Mayfield...
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838. who was injured earlier in the week.
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839. Top of the second inning,
the Panthers have two men on base.
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840. At bat, Big Bertha Mazurski.
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841. Time out!
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842. - Let's stay cool, all right?
- Just do the best you can.
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843. - I don't know.
- Try and keep it locked.
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844. Go get him.
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845. Hey, hum chuck, Mikey.
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846. That ball's out of here!
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847. Big Bertha's 10th homerun of the season.
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848. Okay, we're only down by three.
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849. Mike, you have to straighten out your arm.
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850. Jim.
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851. Listen.
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852. - First couple of batters, dust them a little.
- How close, Coach?
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853. Jim, look. If you was to hit one of them
and take a base...
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854. I wouldn't pull you off the mound.
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855. I just want you to keep all of them
back from the plate.
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856. - Intimidate them, okay?
- Okay, coach.
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857. Attaboy.
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858. Ralphy Parks.
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859. Come on, Ralph. Hum chuck, Ralph.
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860. Ball one.
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861. Come on, step up there. Hang in there.
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862. Ball two.
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863. Now, time out!
Gus, your pitcher's a headhunter.
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864. Talk to him or take him out!
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865. My boy's just a little wild early in the game.
He's only a kid.
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866. Settle down, Spittin' Jim.
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867. Gus, I warned you!
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868. It's okay. It just winged me, it's okay!
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869. Settle down, Spittin' Jim.
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870. Timmy Deutsch.
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871. Strike.
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872. - He's standing too far away from the plate.
- He's afraid of getting what Ralphy got.
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873. Okay, Timmy, you're all right.
Hang in there, Timmy.
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874. Strike three, you're out!
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875. Umeki Siddaharo.
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876. Your man did that on purpose!
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877. Roger Ross.
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878. You're out!
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879. You're out!
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880. Wait a minute. This way.
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881. Hurry.
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882. Open the door.
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883. Dr. Sternberg? Is Dr. Sternberg in there?
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884. Good. Dr. Sternberg, I'm so glad to see you.
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885. Doctor.
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886. Dr. Sternberg.
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887. Dr. Sternberg, come with me, please.
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888. No outs. Frank Coster.
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889. Bertha Mazurski.
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890. Strike.
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891. - Bertha, is it true what they say?
- What?
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892. Strike two.
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893. I was talking to your friends before
but I better not say.
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894. They said you have hair on your chest.
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895. Strike three, you're out!
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896. Time is called. Please remain seated.
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897. Play will resume in just a few minutes.
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898. We would like, at this time,
to point out our new outfield fence...
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899. built with money raised from
the refreshment stands...
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900. you have patronized all year.
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901. - Get back.
- Give him room.
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902. Let's get that arm out of the sling. That's it.
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903. Okay, now make a fist for me. That's it.
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904. Rotate that.
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905. Okay.
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906. Now let's roll it the other way.
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907. Okay, now extend your arm
as far as you can.
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908. Now, hang on.
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909. There's a change in the line-up.
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910. Now, pitching for the Tigers,
Danny Mayfield.
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911. Beat the crap out of them, Danny!
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912. Now, batting for the Panthers,
Spittin' Jim Hurley.
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913. Great ball.
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914. Strike two.
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915. Strike three. You're out!
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916. Great work, doc. Great work.
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917. The Panthers lead by one run.
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918. The Tigers are closing the gap.
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919. - Did you see them mothers?
- They're really playing dirty and I mean it.
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920. - It's bad, Coach.
- Not fair!
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921. I'm going to punch that Razor's teeth out.
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922. "Ramrod" Steiner.
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923. - You know Sherry Ann Taylor?
- She's ugly as you.
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924. She was homecoming queen
at her old school.
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925. - She thinks you're cute.
- Good for her.
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926. Strike.
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927. She's watching you right now.
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928. She's up there behind Tracy Cavenaugh.
She's got big bazooms.
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929. You're out!
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930. Bitch!
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931. You didn't think a girl like that would go for
a scuzzy guy like you, did you?
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932. The bases are loaded
and there are two outs.
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933. The Tigers trail by two runs.
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934. At bat, Danny Mayfield.
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935. That's two runs for the Tigers.
The score is now tied four all...
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936. with two men on base, two out.
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937. At bat, Buster Rivera.
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938. Strike.
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939. Strike two.
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940. Strike three. You're out!
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941. Top of the sixth and final inning.
Bases loaded.
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942. At bat, Frank "the Razor" Schmidt.
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943. I can't stand that guy.
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944. - Why?
- He's a creep.
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945. The Panthers take a two-run lead.
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946. You're out! You're out! You're out!
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947. Unassisted triple play!
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948. Unassisted triple play!
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949. Fritz Curtis has just made
the first unassisted triple play...
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950. in Acorn League history!
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951. First up for the Tigers
in the bottom of the sixth, Noel Cady.
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952. Safe.
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953. Let's go, Patty.
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954. Patty O'Malley.
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955. - Come on, Patty.
- Go, Patty!
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956. Ball.
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957. Okay, Ralphy.
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958. Ralph Parks.
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959. - Go, Ralphy.
- Come on, Ralphy!
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960. Strike!
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961. Strike two!
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962. Strike three, you're out!
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963. One out. Tigers have the winning run
at first base.
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964. At bat, Umeki Siddaharo.
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965. - Let's go!
- Come on, Sid!
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966. That ball is going, going... Just foul.
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967. Run!
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968. Timmy Deutsch.
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969. - Infield fly.
- Don't catch it.
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970. No!
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971. Two outs, guys. One more, we got it!
Let's go!
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972. Come on!
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973. Why don't you put in Eagle and get a walk?
Then Mouth could bat.
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974. No, I'm going with you. I trust you.
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975. You're crazy, you can't trust me.
I'll strike out, sure as hell.
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976. Get on in there.
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977. Two outs, we're in the bottom
of the last inning.
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978. Tigers have the bases loaded.
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979. Figure on using your bare hands?
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980. It all comes down to right here
and right now.
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981. Strike.
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982. Come on, let's go!
Come on, Jim, get him and let's go.
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983. All you have to do
is believe in the force of good.
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984. Then you can hit your target
with your eyes closed.
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985. I believe in you, Buster.
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986. Miracles take some time.
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987. All you got to do
is believe in the force of good.
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988. Then you can hit your target
with your eyes closed.
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989. All you have to do
is believe in the force of good.
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990. Then you can hit your target
with your eyes closed.
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991. I don't believe it! It's a homerun!
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992. And the Tigers win it!
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993. Buster Rivera has hit a homerun!
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994. A homerun!
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995. Damn!
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996. The Tigers win!
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997. Ladies and gentlemen...
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998. the Tigers have won the championship.
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999. We're the Tigers
No one could be prouder
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1000. If you cannot hear us
We'll yell a little louder
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