1. Yes, dude!
Copy !req
2. What the fuck? What the fuck?
What are you doing?
Copy !req
3. I'm taking the most incredible dump
of all time, man.
Copy !req
4. You couldn't wait
till I got out of the shower?
Copy !req
5. May I remind you that
we both just ate 30 burgers...
Copy !req
6. and four large orders of fries?
Copy !req
7. Don't worry, in a little bit,
I'm sure it'll hit you too.
Copy !req
8. It may be. But I'm gonna wait
till you get out of the shower.
Copy !req
9. Well, don't wait too long. We've got
to leave for the airport in an hour.
Copy !req
10. Ooh, that burns.
Copy !req
11. - An hour?
- Hey, and, Roldy?
Copy !req
12. Yeah?
Copy !req
13. Nice pubes.
Copy !req
14. Asshole, get out of here right now.
Copy !req
15. - Wipe and leave. Wipe and leave now!
- Dude, this thing is huge!
Copy !req
16. I think it still has cheese on it.
Copy !req
17. Dude. Oh, my Go...
I just realized something.
Copy !req
18. What?
Copy !req
19. Maria's gonna think I'm a stalker, man.
I'm following her to Amsterdam.
Copy !req
20. Dude, relax. I have a med school
interview in ten minutes.
Copy !req
21. You don't see me freaking out.
Copy !req
22. Don't worry, man,
she'll be psyched to see you.
Copy !req
23. Oh, psyched? You think
she's gonna be psyched?
Copy !req
24. Totes, dude. Why wouldn't she be?
Copy !req
25. So how does this work?
Copy !req
26. We just... we show up in Amsterdam
and we start calling hotels...
Copy !req
27. and ask if they have
a Maria staying there?
Copy !req
28. - I don't even know her last name.
- Dude, it's totally cool.
Copy !req
29. We're definitely gonna find her.
Copy !req
30. Amsterdam is a very small place.
It's not gonna be...
Copy !req
31. Sir, I need you to step aside, please.
Let me search you.
Copy !req
32. - Did I beep?
- No, you didn't beep.
Copy !req
33. Just a random security check.
Copy !req
34. If you could just step aside, please?
Just over here.
Copy !req
35. - Random, huh?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
36. So this has nothing to do
with my ethnicity?
Copy !req
37. Kumar, just do what the guy says.
Copy !req
38. Sir, it's our job as airport security...
Copy !req
39. to search for all possible weapons
or illegal drugs.
Copy !req
40. So just because of the color of my skin,
you assume that I have drugs on me?
Copy !req
41. - No, he's...
- What are you, a racist?
Copy !req
42. Racist? Dude, I'm black.
Copy !req
43. He's black. He's not a racist.
Copy !req
44. Please, dude, you're barely even brown.
Copy !req
45. No, he didn't mean that.
Copy !req
46. Compared to me,
you look like Matthew Perry.
Copy !req
47. Hey, who you calling Matthew Perry, bitch?
Copy !req
48. I'm calling you Matthew Perry,
you Matthew Perry-looking bitch!
Copy !req
49. No, there's nobody here
who is Matthew Perry. No one!
Copy !req
50. What is going on here?
Copy !req
51. Sir, Matthew Perry over here thinks
that I have illegal narcotics on me...
Copy !req
52. because I'm a minority.
Copy !req
53. This is textbook racial profiling...
Copy !req
54. and I'd be more than happy
to call the ACLU or the government...
Copy !req
55. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Sorry for the inconvenience, sir.
Copy !req
56. - You can move along.
- I appreciate it. Thanks, Matt Perry.
Copy !req
57. Hey, what are you doing?
Copy !req
58. What do you mean, what am I doing?
He called me Matthew Perry.
Copy !req
59. Well, you look like Matthew Perry.
Copy !req
60. - He's white!
- So what?
Copy !req
61. Why does everything have to become
a huge argument with you, man?
Copy !req
62. 'Cause this is America, dude...
Copy !req
63. and as long as I have my freedom
of speech, no one's gonna shut me up.
Copy !req
64. Kumar?
Copy !req
65. Roldy?
Copy !req
66. - Vanessa.
- Oh, my God!
Copy !req
67. - Good to see you.
- So good to see you. I...
Copy !req
68. - Hi. Hey.
- Hey.
Copy !req
69. Hey.
Copy !req
70. God, it's been forever.
What are you guys doing?
Copy !req
71. We're actually on our way
to Amsterdam.
Copy !req
72. - Amsterdam?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
73. Well, you guys haven't changed.
Copy !req
74. You have. You look amazing.
Your hair is diff...
Copy !req
75. - Doesn't she look amazing?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
76. Yeah, you look great.
You look awesome. Sorry.
Copy !req
77. What am I even saying?
You look different and...
Copy !req
78. - Kumar Patel, you're flustered.
- Little bit.
Copy !req
79. So, what's up with you? You still dating
the Abercrombie-wearing douchebag?
Copy !req
80. Actually, it's Brooks Brothers.
Copy !req
81. Colton! How are you, buddy?
Copy !req
82. - Good to see ya.
- Good to see you.
Copy !req
83. And we're not dating anymore.
Copy !req
84. No. We... are getting married.
Copy !req
85. Congratulations, you guys.
Copy !req
86. - You're fucking getting married?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
87. - When?
- Next week.
Copy !req
88. It's going to be a perfect day.
Copy !req
89. I mean, that's assuming we get
those Stargazer lilies for the bouquets.
Copy !req
90. This florist has been
a complete nightmare.
Copy !req
91. Fucking assholes.
Copy !req
92. Colton's practically planning
the whole wedding all by himself.
Copy !req
93. So, Rold, Brewster Keegan letting you
off the leash for a little vay-cay?
Copy !req
94. I own that place now, Colton.
Copy !req
95. Thank you so much for the hook-up.
Copy !req
96. Hey, I ran into Todd,
at Whitaker's, of course.
Copy !req
97. He told me you got a job
working for the government.
Copy !req
98. Yeah! Yeah, President Bush and my dad
were in the same fraternity.
Copy !req
99. - Oh, that's right.
- Oh, Jesus.
Copy !req
100. Yeah, yeah, when he gave my dad that
appointment at the Defense Department...
Copy !req
101. - I became his right-hand man.
- Douche.
Copy !req
102. The President's supposed to be
at our wedding...
Copy !req
103. - but you know how busy he is.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
104. Sounds like an incredible job, man.
Copy !req
105. Hey, you really got
some major connections to the top.
Copy !req
106. If you ever need anything, I'm your man.
Copy !req
107. - Thank you so much, buddy.
- Anytime.
Copy !req
108. This guy's the best.
Copy !req
109. - So, sweetheart, we should get going.
- Yes.
Copy !req
110. - Good to see you guys again.
- Congratulations again.
Copy !req
111. - Thank you. Take care, thank you.
- It's so nice.
Copy !req
112. - Bye.
- Bye.
Copy !req
113. Dude, I can't believe
they're getting married.
Copy !req
114. We've only been broken up two years.
Copy !req
115. Plus that dude has date-rape face.
Copy !req
116. I don't even know what that is.
Copy !req
117. One who possesses
the face of a date rapist.
Copy !req
118. Right. Listen...
Copy !req
119. I'm sorry, bro.
Copy !req
120. But we are going to Amsterdam.
Come on.
Copy !req
121. This is true. This is true, Roldy.
Copy !req
122. - Man, this is so not like me.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
123. It's like I'm a whole new Harold.
Better, faster, stronger.
Copy !req
124. Nice.
Copy !req
125. Man, I've never used a sick day before.
Copy !req
126. I'm taking a whole week off
from work here, man.
Copy !req
127. And in less than eight hours,
we're gonna be in Amsterdam.
Copy !req
128. - This is nuts. This is nuts.
- I know, dude.
Copy !req
129. It's gonna be exactly like Euro Trip,
only it's not gonna suck.
Copy !req
130. - It's gonna be awesome.
- It's not not gonna be awesome.
Copy !req
131. Dude. Dude, this chick's giving me
such a boner, it's awesome.
Copy !req
132. Thank you. You ruined the moment.
Copy !req
133. She's all yours, buddy.
Copy !req
134. - You wanna pause it?
- I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Copy !req
135. No, that's...
Copy !req
136. Enjoy.
Copy !req
137. Just a minute.
Copy !req
138. Fuc...
Copy !req
139. Hey, hey.
Copy !req
140. Let me in.
Copy !req
141. What are you doing?
I'm taking a piss, asshole!
Copy !req
142. - Yeah.
- Yo!
Copy !req
143. I'm not joining
the mile-high club with you.
Copy !req
144. What about the really high club?
Copy !req
145. - Are you retarded?
- No.
Copy !req
146. You brought weed
on the fucking airplane?
Copy !req
147. - Yep.
- What the fuck?
Copy !req
148. Wait a second. You were giving
that security guard shit.
Copy !req
149. Yeah. How else was I
supposed to get past him?
Copy !req
150. By not bringing drugs on an airplane?
Copy !req
151. - Look... What are you doing? What is this?
- You'll see.
Copy !req
152. Harold Lee, I would like to introduce you
to an invention of mine.
Copy !req
153. Meet the smokeless bong.
Copy !req
154. - You made this?
- You know, I did.
Copy !req
155. When you were slaving away at work...
Copy !req
156. I was actually being
a productive member of society.
Copy !req
157. - Yeah, that's really productive.
- Let me show you how it works.
Copy !req
158. So you take a little weed...
Copy !req
159. put it in the bowl right here and
light it just like a normal bong, OK?
Copy !req
160. Now here's the truly genius part.
Copy !req
161. Inside this mechanism, I have
actually made a little tiny, tiny fan...
Copy !req
162. and some disinfectant powder, OK,
it works sort of like a deodorizer...
Copy !req
163. so that anything it expunges
smells like Lysol.
Copy !req
164. - Put it away.
- No, dude.
Copy !req
165. Can you not wait
till we get to Amsterdam?
Copy !req
166. It's the weed capital of the world!
Copy !req
167. - No.
- Put the bong away!
Copy !req
168. - Take the inaugural hit, dude.
- No!
Copy !req
169. Come on, man.
Copy !req
170. - Then I'm gonna do it.
- Put it away. Put the frickin' bong away.
Copy !req
171. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Turb...
Copy !req
172. Terrorist!
Copy !req
173. Roldy?
Copy !req
174. - What the fuck is that thing in his hands?
- No, ma'am, not a terrorist.
Copy !req
175. - He's just an idiot.
- This is just a bong.
Copy !req
176. He said he got a bomb!
Copy !req
177. No, people,
it's a water pipe for tobacco.
Copy !req
178. No, no, no, it's not a bomb.
It's just a bong.
Copy !req
179. Poison gas!
Copy !req
180. It's marijuana! Marijuana!
Copy !req
181. You picked the wrong plane,
you terrorist fuck!
Copy !req
182. Hey!
Hey, what are you doing?
Copy !req
183. There are three air marshals
on board. Three!
Copy !req
184. We are not terrorists!
Sir, that's a bong, not a bomb.
Copy !req
185. Shut up!
Copy !req
186. I got this one!
Copy !req
187. - Roldy?
- Please don't!
Copy !req
188. I am in a great amount of pain!
Copy !req
189. Everybody relax. Just calm down.
Everything is under control.
Copy !req
190. Tell 'em to turn the plane around. These
two assholes are goin' back to the U.S.
Copy !req
191. Secretary Fox. Glad you could make it.
Copy !req
192. Think I'd miss a terrorist attack
of this magnitude?
Copy !req
193. Not a fuckin' chance.
Copy !req
194. Who are these people?
Copy !req
195. Representatives
of the different intelligence agencies.
Copy !req
196. I assume
Secretary Whitmore's coming?
Copy !req
197. Negative. He's on an ice fishing trip
in Glacier Bay.
Copy !req
198. I'm in charge while he's gone.
Copy !req
199. Well, shouldn't he be alerted?
Copy !req
200. Isn't this issue of more importance
than an ice fishing trip?
Copy !req
201. Who are you again?
Copy !req
202. Dr. John Beecher,
Vice Chairman of the NSA.
Copy !req
203. Yeah, well, listen, Dr... Dipshit.
Copy !req
204. You've obviously
never been ice fishing before.
Copy !req
205. - No, I haven't.
- Yeah, well, it's fucking exhilarating.
Copy !req
206. The last thing anyone would want while
fishing for pike is to be interrupted.
Copy !req
207. Now back off...
Copy !req
208. and let me do my job.
Copy !req
209. What's up with the guy
with the weird eyes?
Copy !req
210. He handicapped or something?
Copy !req
211. We believe he's of Korean descent.
Copy !req
212. My God.
Copy !req
213. North Korea and al-Qaeda
workin' together.
Copy !req
214. This is bigger than I thought.
Copy !req
215. You couldn't wait?
Copy !req
216. You couldn't fucking wait?
Copy !req
217. We were about to have
all the legal weed we wanted.
Copy !req
218. You know, in Amsterdam,
where we were going!
Copy !req
219. Thought you could
get away with this, huh?
Copy !req
220. You thought that after 9/11
our national security was a joke, huh?
Copy !req
221. Well...
Copy !req
222. guess what?
Copy !req
223. What?
Copy !req
224. We knew you fuckers would be back.
Copy !req
225. - Holy shit!
- But we're Americans, man.
Copy !req
226. - We love America. We love America!
- Very much.
Copy !req
227. That's a convenient thing to say...
Copy !req
228. after you try and blow up a plane
filled with Americans!
Copy !req
229. - No.
- No, we didn't do...
Copy !req
230. No, you see, you have the wrong idea.
Copy !req
231. My idiot friend here
brought marijuana...
Copy !req
232. - on the plane.
- Yeah, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Copy !req
233. Zip it, Hello Kitty. OK? I know
your operation's funded through drugs.
Copy !req
234. No. This is typical
government bullshit, sir. I...
Copy !req
235. - Hey, hey, hey. Shut up. Shut up!
- I...
Copy !req
236. - No, I'm trying to explain it! Harold!
- Shut up, shut up, shut up! Shut up!
Copy !req
237. Do we have the right
to make a phone call?
Copy !req
238. Yeah. Yeah!
Copy !req
239. I'm sorry. You want rights now.
Copy !req
240. You want freedoms right now.
Copy !req
241. Is it time? Is it freedom o'clock?
Copy !req
242. - Guess what.
- What?
Copy !req
243. Where you guys are going,
they have never even heard of rights.
Copy !req
244. Well, where are we going?
Copy !req
245. We're innocent men!
We're innocent men!
Copy !req
246. I'm an innocent man.
Copy !req
247. I donate blood.
Copy !req
248. And toys for tots.
Copy !req
249. And now I'm in Guantànamo Bay.
Copy !req
250. See why I'm against paying taxes?
Copy !req
251. Hey! Hey.
Copy !req
252. Fuck you!
Copy !req
253. Dude, calm down, OK?
Copy !req
254. Look on the bright side.
There's a sink. There's a toilet.
Copy !req
255. The pillow actually
looks pretty comfortable.
Copy !req
256. OK. You don't speak to me, ever.
Copy !req
257. - Ever.
- OK.
Copy !req
258. - No! Shut up!
- OK.
Copy !req
259. So what are you guys in here for?
Copy !req
260. For giving the United States
a taste of their own medicine.
Copy !req
261. - You guys are real terrorists?
- Some call us terrorists.
Copy !req
262. Others call us heroes.
Copy !req
263. Screw that. You think you guys
are heroes for killing innocent people?
Copy !req
264. It's 'cause of assholes like you
that we're even in this fucking place...
Copy !req
265. you fucking cowards!
Copy !req
266. Well, maybe if the people in your country
stopped eating donuts...
Copy !req
267. and started realizing what your
government is doing to the world...
Copy !req
268. assholes like us wouldn't exist.
Copy !req
269. - Fuck you! Donuts are awesome!
- They're delicious.
Copy !req
270. You like donuts?
Copy !req
271. Well, wait till you see
what they make you eat in here.
Copy !req
272. - Yeah?
- What do they make you eat in here?
Copy !req
273. I...
Copy !req
274. Ever hear of a cockmeat sandwich?
Copy !req
275. What's a cockmeat sandwich?
Copy !req
276. You're about to find out.
Copy !req
277. Right about now. Sucker.
Copy !req
278. All right, cockmeat sandwich time.
You know the drill.
Copy !req
279. What about them? They just got here!
Copy !req
280. Big Bob's taking care of them.
Copy !req
281. - Big Bob.
- Big Bob?
Copy !req
282. I hope you like donuts.
Copy !req
283. Let's go to work. Hey, listen, guys, enjoy.
Copy !req
284. Holy shit.
Copy !req
285. Oh, yeah, that's it.
Copy !req
286. - This is not good.
- No, Kumar, it is not good.
Copy !req
287. - I've never had to suck a dick before.
- Me neither.
Copy !req
288. I bet it sucks dick.
Copy !req
289. Shit, dude.
Copy !req
290. Please don't let it be Big Bob.
Please don't let it be Big Bob.
Copy !req
291. Please don't let it be Big Bob.
Come on.
Copy !req
292. Please don't let it be Big Bob.
Please don't let it be Big Bob.
Copy !req
293. Please don't let it be Big Bob.
Copy !req
294. - Please don't let it be Big Bob.
- I'm Big Bob.
Copy !req
295. - Fuck.
- Yes, you are.
Copy !req
296. You boys ready
for your cockmeat sandwich?
Copy !req
297. No?
Copy !req
298. Well, you better get hungry real fast...
Copy !req
299. 'cause I got a whole lot of sandwich
waitin' for ya.
Copy !req
300. Holy shit!
Copy !req
301. - All right, let's get goin'.
- Hold on, hold on, hold on, Big Bob...
Copy !req
302. I got to ask you a question
before this all goes down.
Copy !req
303. - All the guards in Guantànamo are gay?
- Fuck, no!
Copy !req
304. Ain't nothing gay
about getting your dick sucked!
Copy !req
305. You're the ones that's gay
for suckin' my dick!
Copy !req
306. - What?
- In fact...
Copy !req
307. creeps me out
just bein' around you fags.
Copy !req
308. - But...
- All right.
Copy !req
309. - Wait...
- Get down on your knees...
Copy !req
310. - and open your mouths.
- Please, Big Bob.
Copy !req
311. Why don't you just
kick our ass instead?
Copy !req
312. - Get on your fucking knees!
- All right. All right.
Copy !req
313. - All right, all right, all right, all right.
- You go first, dude.
Copy !req
314. Hope you boys like extra mayo.
Copy !req
315. - Jesus, Kumar.
- Oh, I hate you so much!
Copy !req
316. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
317. God, his dick smells like shit, dude.
Copy !req
318. Holy shit!
Copy !req
319. - What the hell happened?
- That terrorist fuck bit my dick!
Copy !req
320. - Come on.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait a second!
Copy !req
321. Should we?
What if they kill us out there?
Copy !req
322. They're gonna fucking make us
suck their dicks if we don't.
Copy !req
323. We're gonna die in here. Come on.
Copy !req
324. - Fuck. Fuck.
- Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
325. - Shit. Shit.
- Fuck. Fuck.
Copy !req
326. - Oh, shit! Get out!
- Fuck!
Copy !req
327. Oh, shit. Shit.
Copy !req
328. Door, door.
Copy !req
329. Look, look, look.
Copy !req
330. What the fuck is he doing?
Copy !req
331. We've got to go
now, now, now, now, now!
Copy !req
332. It smells like burnt asshole.
Copy !req
333. I can't fucking believe this.
Copy !req
334. Fuck!
Copy !req
335. My wrist is swelling, man!
Copy !req
336. - Shut up.
- We're gonna die in a jungle!
Copy !req
337. - Shut up!
- Fuck!
Copy !req
338. Watch out for cheetahs!
This is cheetah turf.
Copy !req
339. - What?
- OK. Fuck.
Copy !req
340. We hit ocean.
What do we do now?
Copy !req
341. All right.
Copy !req
342. Hey, look, look!
Copy !req
343. Excuse me.
Copy !req
344. You guys going to America?
Copy !req
345. Sì, vamos.
Copy !req
346. Yes, we're going.
Copy !req
347. Thank you.
Copy !req
348. - Es mìo.
- Vamos, vamos.
Copy !req
349. I'm telling you, Jorge...
Copy !req
350. the first thing you have to do
when you get to America...
Copy !req
351. buy a device called TiVo, OK?
Copy !req
352. Freedom means nothing if you're
a slave to regular programming...
Copy !req
353. I promise you that.
Copy !req
354. And now, how about you focus?
Copy !req
355. We gotta figure out what to do
when we get to the States.
Copy !req
356. We don't have wallets. We don't
have any ID. We've got nothing.
Copy !req
357. Well, I figure we're gonna land
somewhere around Miami, right?
Copy !req
358. There's only one guy we know
who lives down there.
Copy !req
359. - Who do we know that... Raza.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
360. We gotta go see Raza.
Copy !req
361. - Adiòs.
- Hasta /uego.
Copy !req
362. - Thanks again.
- What nice people.
Copy !req
363. Man, South Florida here we are.
Copy !req
364. OK. So, now how do we get to Raza's?
Copy !req
365. The professional way.
We walk. Let's go.
Copy !req
366. - Walk?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
367. So I guess Raza's...
Copy !req
368. - We'll find it, we'll find it.
- ... thataway. Yeah.
Copy !req
369. - Wow, Raza's place is pretty sweet.
- Kinda ghetto for Miami.
Copy !req
370. - Hi.
- Hey.
Copy !req
371. Y'all aren't here to complain
about the noise, are you?
Copy !req
372. No. We're not...
here to complain about the noise.
Copy !req
373. We're...
Copy !req
374. We are here to see...
Copy !req
375. - What is his name? We're here...
- Vagina.
Copy !req
376. No, we're here to see Raza.
Copy !req
377. OK. Follow me.
Copy !req
378. Thank you, ma'am.
Copy !req
379. We'll follow... you, I guess.
Copy !req
380. Hey.
Copy !req
381. - Very patriotic of you.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
382. - Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Copy !req
383. - Hey, Raza!
- What?
Copy !req
384. What's up?
Copy !req
385. - Kumar and Roldy?
- What's up, man?
Copy !req
386. I haven't seen you guys
since graduation.
Copy !req
387. What are you guys doing here?
Copy !req
388. Wait, what's up
with the orange jumpsuits?
Copy !req
389. - Hey, no, no, question number one...
- It's kind of a long story. I...
Copy !req
390. - ... what's up with this party?
- What do you mean?
Copy !req
391. There's exposed vagina
all over your house.
Copy !req
392. Yeah. That was my idea.
Copy !req
393. I don't know about you guys,
I'm sick of all the hype over topless.
Copy !req
394. Really? I always liked toplessness.
That's...
Copy !req
395. - That's just me.
- Yeah? Well, I'm starting...
Copy !req
396. the bottomless trend.
Hence, the bottomless party.
Copy !req
397. So what are you guys doing
in South Beach?
Copy !req
398. How about you answer that question?
I'm gonna go check this out.
Copy !req
399. - Where are you going?
- Bang bang, buddy.
Copy !req
400. Listen. I'm really sorry
to bother you with this.
Copy !req
401. - You all right?
- Not really.
Copy !req
402. They were locked up for less than
an hour, and they already escaped?
Copy !req
403. Damn it. Make sure the press
doesn't get wind of this.
Copy !req
404. Don't need the public thinking
we're some two-bit operation.
Copy !req
405. Got it, sir.
Copy !req
406. It must have been either al-Qaeda
or North Korea who broke 'em up.
Copy !req
407. Find out if they have
any relatives in the country.
Copy !req
408. You probably should have
done that in the first place.
Copy !req
409. Do you have a problem with the way
I'm running the show, Beecher?
Copy !req
410. I'm just saying that...
Copy !req
411. I've looked through the files
on Harold Lee and Kumar Patel.
Copy !req
412. They were both born
and raised in New Jersey.
Copy !req
413. Other than a couple of traffic tickets,
they're clean.
Copy !req
414. Right. That's why
they just broke out of prison.
Copy !req
415. But they... It's not even clear that they
should have been there in the first place.
Copy !req
416. Shut your...
Copy !req
417. You see this cute, little white girl,
Beecher?
Copy !req
418. Yeah.
Copy !req
419. Do you want her to get raped
and murdered?
Copy !req
420. Of course not.
Copy !req
421. You sure? 'Cause this is America.
Copy !req
422. - Do you want to rape America?
- No.
Copy !req
423. Then stop fucking with me.
Copy !req
424. This is serious.
Copy !req
425. She's adorable.
Copy !req
426. So you guys are fucking fugitives?
Copy !req
427. It's just it's Kumar's fault.
Copy !req
428. If we get out of this...
Copy !req
429. the chances of us remaining friends
is highly...
Copy !req
430. highly... boobies. Yeah.
Copy !req
431. Hey, what do you think you're doing?
Copy !req
432. Put that back on. And keep it on.
Copy !req
433. - Sorry.
- Fuckin' party do you think this is?
Copy !req
434. Yo. What are you guys talking about?
Copy !req
435. Roldy was just letting me
in on your situation.
Copy !req
436. - Yeah?
- Thanks for getting me involved.
Copy !req
437. What about that fuckin' time
we had to cover for you...
Copy !req
438. lie to your ex-girlfriend
about how you got crabs?
Copy !req
439. You owe us, man.
Copy !req
440. - Yeah, that's right.
- What?
Copy !req
441. - OK, that was a long time ago.
- I love crabs.
Copy !req
442. Speaking of ex-girlfriends...
Copy !req
443. isn't yours getting married
or something?
Copy !req
444. How does everybody know about this
except for me?
Copy !req
445. Wait.
Copy !req
446. Colton! Colton Graham can help us out.
Copy !req
447. - No! Fuck that!
- Yes!
Copy !req
448. No doubt. If anyone could
clear your names, it's him.
Copy !req
449. No, I'm sorry.
That dickweed is not helping us.
Copy !req
450. Wait a second.
Do you have his contact info?
Copy !req
451. Not anymore. But the wedding is
at his family's estate in Hewitt, Texas.
Copy !req
452. But you don't want to bother them
when they're doing their whole...
Copy !req
453. wedding thing, right?
Copy !req
454. You know,
that actually might be our only hope.
Copy !req
455. Fuck! How do we get there? We can't
go to the airport. They're looking for us.
Copy !req
456. - I'll loan you one of my cars.
- Really?
Copy !req
457. But first... y'all got to get
in the spirit of the party.
Copy !req
458. - What do you mean, spirit of...
- What do you think I mean?
Copy !req
459. - What about you?
- Me? I've been in the spirit.
Copy !req
460. - Oh, God!
- Oh, my God, dude!
Copy !req
461. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
462. - Love your dickdo, Raza.
- Yeah. Drink it in.
Copy !req
463. - What the fuck?
- That looks like Osama bin Laden's beard.
Copy !req
464. I know, right? All right, boys.
Copy !req
465. Your turn. Let 'em dangle.
Copy !req
466. - Let's just do it.
- Bring it.
Copy !req
467. Count of three?
Copy !req
468. One.
Copy !req
469. Two, three.
Copy !req
470. Your cocks are awesome, man!
Copy !req
471. That's not even necessary.
Copy !req
472. - Would you please...
- Oh, my dick!
Copy !req
473. - This car is frickin' sweet.
- Yeah, yeah, it's sweet.
Copy !req
474. 'Cause we're fugitives.
Copy !req
475. Driving a yellow convertible
with the top down, dressed like assholes!
Copy !req
476. Yo. Yo. Yo, look, he has
one of these things.
Copy !req
477. - Would you put that down?
- No, you can hook up to the Internet.
Copy !req
478. You can play Mike Tyson's Punch-Out/
on it. King Hippo's going down.
Copy !req
479. Put that away. Put that away.
Copy !req
480. I can't believe you can even think about
playing games at a time like this, man.
Copy !req
481. You realize what would happen
if our parents found out about this?
Copy !req
482. You have sent our sons
to Guantànamo Bay?
Copy !req
483. This is an outrage!
Copy !req
484. You Arabs think you can just mix in
with our peaceful society...
Copy !req
485. and we're not gonna find you, huh?
Copy !req
486. I am not Arab! I am Indian!
Copy !req
487. Look, Chief. I'm not here to argue
seblantics with you, OK?
Copy !req
488. I'm here to save lives.
Copy !req
489. Ask the Lees what they know
about their son's terrorist activity.
Copy !req
490. Look, we have been American citizens
for over 40 years.
Copy !req
491. Now, frankly, I find this very offensive.
Copy !req
492. They're using some sort of dialect
I've never heard before.
Copy !req
493. But I'm pretty sure he said something
about going on the offensive.
Copy !req
494. Tell them we know
what their son is up to...
Copy !req
495. and if they don't cooperate,
he could be sentenced to death.
Copy !req
496. Hit 'em. Yeah.
Copy !req
497. We know what he said!
Copy !req
498. Sir, Harold and Kumar are good boys.
Copy !req
499. I'm a pretty good translator.
Copy !req
500. It's total gibberish.
Copy !req
501. They may be trying to stonewall us.
Copy !req
502. Are you sure you speak Korean, Jack?
Copy !req
503. You speak Korean?
Copy !req
504. You're not fucking with Daddy, are you?
Copy !req
505. Do you have a masters
in romantic Korean literature?
Copy !req
506. Because I do...
Copy !req
507. and I'm offended.
Copy !req
508. Good enough for me.
Copy !req
509. Look, excuse me...
Copy !req
510. we're not looking to hurt your sons...
Copy !req
511. we just wanna know where they are.
Copy !req
512. Do you know if they know anybody
in Florida?
Copy !req
513. Their friend Raza Syed lives in Miami.
Copy !req
514. But why would they be there?
Copy !req
515. He's supposed to be in medical school.
Copy !req
516. They are supposed to be in prison!
That is where terrorists belong!
Copy !req
517. These fuckers are goin' down.
Copy !req
518. Dead. Or alive.
Copy !req
519. Tell them that in your fake
ching-chong language.
Copy !req
520. Shut up! You're an idiot.
Copy !req
521. I don't know what you're saying, buddy...
Copy !req
522. but fuck you.
Copy !req
523. - Fuck me?
- Will you let him talk to you like that?
Copy !req
524. - Listen, no, sit down.
- Fuck me?
Copy !req
525. Hey, look, man, we're in Alabama.
Copy !req
526. Wow, we actually get a first-hand look
at the South, huh?
Copy !req
527. Hey, this wasn't supposed to be a trip
through the South, OK?
Copy !req
528. This was supposed to be
the most romantic week of my life.
Copy !req
529. Remember that? Before you
fucked it up? You remember that?
Copy !req
530. Just chill, OK?
We'll be out of this situation.
Copy !req
531. You'll be up in Maria's guts
in no time, all right?
Copy !req
532. Hey. She's not some skank, man.
Copy !req
533. I've never felt this way
about anyone before, really.
Copy !req
534. What the fuck?
Why am I talking to you about this?
Copy !req
535. It's not like you would understand, so...
Copy !req
536. Excuse me, please.
Will you turn that off? This is a library.
Copy !req
537. What a fucking chode.
Copy !req
538. Thank you, come again!
Copy !req
539. - What the fuck?
- Oh, my God.
Copy !req
540. You know, the whole reason
people come to the stacks...
Copy !req
541. is for some peace and...
Copy !req
542. quiet.
Copy !req
543. Look, I know, I'm sorry. I hate it
when people disturb me here too.
Copy !req
544. It's just this fucking calculus final
is killing me.
Copy !req
545. - Do you mind if I take a look?
- No.
Copy !req
546. - You're actually very close. May I?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
547. Excuse me.
Copy !req
548. I touched your breast.
Copy !req
549. - It's OK.
- Sorry.
Copy !req
550. You just go...
Copy !req
551. Wow. You're good at this.
Copy !req
552. Thanks.
Copy !req
553. What did you, like, take calculus
in high school or something?
Copy !req
554. Actually, my dad taught it to me
in sixth grade.
Copy !req
555. What, are you like Doogie Howser?
Copy !req
556. No. Although that would be incredible.
He's my hero.
Copy !req
557. I love that show.
Copy !req
558. What are you working on there?
Copy !req
559. This is just a poem
for my creative writing class.
Copy !req
560. It's like...
Copy !req
561. - "The Square Root Of Three"?
- No, no, I'm sorry...
Copy !req
562. - "A poem of love by Kumar Patel."
- I need this.
Copy !req
563. - Hey, let me read it.
- No, no.
Copy !req
564. - Why?
- Because it's lame.
Copy !req
565. Then read it to me.
Copy !req
566. There's no way I'm letting you see me in
that light. Good luck with your calculus.
Copy !req
567. Come on, don't be embarrassed. You know,
a lot of girls find intelligence sexy.
Copy !req
568. Look, I'm not even gonna be
showing this to my professor, all right?
Copy !req
569. That's why I'm so stressed out
right now.
Copy !req
570. Stressed out, huh?
Copy !req
571. Come with me.
Copy !req
572. - ... going?
- Come on.
Copy !req
573. What?
Copy !req
574. You're smoking drugs in the library?
What if somebody catches us?
Copy !req
575. Don't worry. It'll help you relax.
Copy !req
576. Oh, boy.
Copy !req
577. It's illegal.
Copy !req
578. Here.
Copy !req
579. This is poison.
Copy !req
580. Let me help you.
Copy !req
581. I'm Kumar.
Copy !req
582. Vanessa.
Copy !req
583. You're still not reading that poem.
Copy !req
584. Kumar.
Copy !req
585. Kumar.
Copy !req
586. Kumar. Kumar.
Copy !req
587. - Kumar.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
588. What's going on? We're in Birmingham,
Alabama. Are we supposed to be here?
Copy !req
589. What's going on?
Copy !req
590. - Why did you bring us here, dude?
- What do you mean, why did I...
Copy !req
591. You were supposed to be following the
directions, asshole. What do you mean?
Copy !req
592. There's got to be like a highway
or something, right?
Copy !req
593. Yeah, there's got to be a highway.
Copy !req
594. What's going on up there?
Copy !req
595. What the hell is this?
Copy !req
596. - I'm turning around.
- Nah, just go through, man.
Copy !req
597. Dude, we're not driving
through this basketball game.
Copy !req
598. You know, Roldy, I really thought
you were bigger than this.
Copy !req
599. Dude, I'm not scared
'cause they're black.
Copy !req
600. I'm scared because they're scary.
Copy !req
601. And it's not like we got
Gregory Hines out there.
Copy !req
602. They're not that scary.
Copy !req
603. It's my ball!
Copy !req
604. Turn around.
Copy !req
605. - Fuck! It won't move!
- Shit, dude.
Copy !req
606. - That's not good.
- Now there's no music, man.
Copy !req
607. Shit, man.
Copy !req
608. - Motherfucker!
- My Jordans, nigga!
Copy !req
609. - Shit, this isn't good.
- This is not good. This is not good.
Copy !req
610. No. No. No.
Copy !req
611. They're coming over here.
Copy !req
612. - Fucking shit. Why did you do that?
- Yeah, I hit a fire hydrant on purpose.
Copy !req
613. They're getting weapons, man.
Copy !req
614. All right, what do we do?
What do we do?
Copy !req
615. Run, run, run. Run, run.
Copy !req
616. Yo. Yo.
Copy !req
617. - Where y'all going? Damn!
- We was just trying to help.
Copy !req
618. Man, somebody call the police.
We need to report this.
Copy !req
619. - Yeah, that's right. You like the ride?
- Fuck you, man.
Copy !req
620. They abandoned it last night.
It's registered to a Raza Syed.
Copy !req
621. The witnesses' description
of the driver and passenger...
Copy !req
622. match that of Lee and Patel.
Copy !req
623. We tried bringing in Syed last night,
but he's already left the country.
Copy !req
624. Well, they know we're closing in on 'em,
that's why.
Copy !req
625. OK. No, I'll give you a call. All right.
Copy !req
626. No, no, no, no!
Copy !req
627. - Holy shit!
- Easy, easy!
Copy !req
628. - Easy.
- Easy!
Copy !req
629. This is our witness.
Copy !req
630. Put it down! Yo, put it down!
Copy !req
631. You all know I got one!
Copy !req
632. I got one too!
Copy !req
633. So, you saw the fugitives, huh?
Copy !req
634. Yeah. It was like
I was telling the Sheriff...
Copy !req
635. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
How do I know you're telling the truth?
Copy !req
636. I don't have a reason
to lie to you, man.
Copy !req
637. Really?
Copy !req
638. - Get up in your face, man.
- We'll see.
Copy !req
639. That ain't right.
Copy !req
640. Where's he going?
Copy !req
641. What's going on?
Copy !req
642. Hell no!
Copy !req
643. Now why don't you tell me
what really happened?
Copy !req
644. Is that grape soda?
Copy !req
645. What the fuck, yo?
Copy !req
646. - All right.
- Hold on, hold on, hold on!
Copy !req
647. This is so ignorant.
Copy !req
648. - Really?
- Yes.
Copy !req
649. Is this ignorant?
Copy !req
650. Yo, that's racist, man. That's racist.
Copy !req
651. Hey, Jon, are you gonna let him do that?
Copy !req
652. See if he got Kool-Aid.
Copy !req
653. Almost gone, witness.
Copy !req
654. Sure there's not something
you wanna tell me?
Copy !req
655. I'm not stoppin' until you crack!
Copy !req
656. I already told you
that they took off runnin'!
Copy !req
657. All right, all right, all right.
Copy !req
658. This isn't necessary!
Mr. White is telling you the truth!
Copy !req
659. Yeah, and how can you be
so sure, Beecher?
Copy !req
660. 'Cause he doesn't have a police record.
He's an orthodontist, for Christ's sake.
Copy !req
661. OK, then, Beech. How do you
propose we find the terrorists, huh?
Copy !req
662. There was a Nokia 7710
taken from the console.
Copy !req
663. We have its tracking numbers.
Copy !req
664. Our satellites are running a trace on it,
as we speak.
Copy !req
665. I'm serious about that Kool-Aid.
Copy !req
666. What's going on? Where are you?
Copy !req
667. Dude, that is a fucking long story.
Copy !req
668. We're actually in Alabama right now,
heading to Texas.
Copy !req
669. What is that sound? Are you jerking off
again? What are you doing?
Copy !req
670. I'm taking a glorious pee-pee.
Copy !req
671. Hey, listen, you're not
gonna believe this...
Copy !req
672. but the other night,
I ended up at that Asian party...
Copy !req
673. and I schtupped Cindy Kim.
Copy !req
674. Shut the fuck up. Are you serious?
Copy !req
675. Yeah, man,
she even gave me a blumpkin.
Copy !req
676. What is a blumpkin?
Copy !req
677. It's when a girl gives you head while
you're sitting on the toilet takin' a shit.
Copy !req
678. Really?
Copy !req
679. - Hello?
- Hey. Hey! What are you doing?
Copy !req
680. Hello? Come, come?
Copy !req
681. Did you go?
Copy !req
682. Yeah, I'm done.
Copy !req
683. You said to me we were gonna
cross swords. You promised.
Copy !req
684. I'm sorry, sweetheart.
Copy !req
685. Are you talking on a cellphone
when the government is looking for us?
Copy !req
686. Dude, it was just Goldstein.
I had something important to tell him.
Copy !req
687. It's 'cause you had something...
That's good, that's OK.
Copy !req
688. Nothing is more important
than finding a way to get to Texas.
Copy !req
689. - Do you get it?
- Yes.
Copy !req
690. We've been walking an entire day
and we have not seen a street sign.
Copy !req
691. Do you get it?
Copy !req
692. - Can I say...
- Again. This is... I can't.
Copy !req
693. Dude, honestly...
Copy !req
694. you've got to be a little more positive
about these things, all right?
Copy !req
695. - Yeah?
- Positive about what? I don't...
Copy !req
696. First of all, look at this beautiful
Alabama landscape, OK?
Copy !req
697. You don't get shit like this in New Jersey.
Copy !req
698. God, you...
Copy !req
699. Hey, look, dude.
Copy !req
700. It's a baby deer.
Copy !req
701. - Wow. Man.
- Shit.
Copy !req
702. Hey. Hey.
Copy !req
703. Look how cute this deer is, dude. Not
like those asshole deer in New Jersey.
Copy !req
704. I know, man.
Copy !req
705. - Hey, buddy.
- Dude, Alabama's awesome.
Copy !req
706. He likes you.
Copy !req
707. - Oh, my God!
- No!
Copy !req
708. Sorry about that. I was in my zone.
Copy !req
709. What the hell are y'all doing out here
in them fancy clothes?
Copy !req
710. We were on our way to Texas
and we got lost.
Copy !req
711. Texas?
Copy !req
712. You're a long way from Texas.
Copy !req
713. No!
Copy !req
714. Born in '04.
Copy !req
715. Get in here.
Copy !req
716. Yeah. The sun's about to go down.
Copy !req
717. - Y'all need a place to stay? Ya hungry?
- Yeah, sure.
Copy !req
718. You want to follow me?
Copy !req
719. Come on.
Copy !req
720. Maybe we shouldn't.
Copy !req
721. It's already dead.
You need a hand, dude?
Copy !req
722. My grandpappy
bought this land in 1902.
Copy !req
723. Very nice, sir.
Copy !req
724. This place is gonna suck.
Copy !req
725. Honey, I'm home.
Copy !req
726. I'm in here.
Copy !req
727. I wish you'd-a told me
you was bringing guests home.
Copy !req
728. I'da straightened up in here.
Copy !req
729. Fellas, this is my wife Raylene.
Copy !req
730. Raylene, meet Harold and Kumar.
Copy !req
731. Hello.
Copy !req
732. Can't shake.
I've just got... deer head all over me.
Copy !req
733. - Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you boys.
Copy !req
734. - You just make yourselves at home.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
735. Honey, something's wrong
with that DSL.
Copy !req
736. Every time I go on the online,
it says, "Searching for server."
Copy !req
737. You try unplugging the AirPort base?
Copy !req
738. Yeah, I done did that but it didn't work.
Copy !req
739. What you need to go online fors,
anyways?
Copy !req
740. I was gonna get one of them
new portable satellite radios.
Copy !req
741. What the fuck
you need a satellite radio for?
Copy !req
742. Don't you be cussin'
when we got company over.
Copy !req
743. - Guys.
- Please don't worry about us.
Copy !req
744. We cuss all the time.
Copy !req
745. Who do you think you is, hitting me?
Copy !req
746. Who do you think bought you
that Prada bag?
Copy !req
747. I told you I wanted a Gucci one.
Copy !req
748. The Gucci bag cost more!
Copy !req
749. Well, Jan Sapperstein's husband
sure could afford it.
Copy !req
750. Here we go again with Jan Sapperstein.
Copy !req
751. I don't give a rat's ass
what that bitch got.
Copy !req
752. You be happy with what you have.
Copy !req
753. What I have is a husband
who ain't worth a turd!
Copy !req
754. You wanna give me shit now?
Copy !req
755. - That's right!
- After everything I let you buy!
Copy !req
756. Even look at the credit card bills?
Copy !req
757. you buy? Do you think we need
another set of golf balls?
Copy !req
758. - Even worse is the credit card miles.
- Stinky, smelly, motherf...
Copy !req
759. Guys, we're just gonna get out of here.
Copy !req
760. Nonsense. Don't be silly.
You're our guests.
Copy !req
761. You guys have got to stay for supper.
Copy !req
762. - No, we couldn't. That's...
- No, thank you. We really couldn't...
Copy !req
763. Of course, we're gonna
have to get high first.
Copy !req
764. We're close.
Copy !req
765. This is news to me.
I never knew farmers smoked weed.
Copy !req
766. You ever tried farmin' not high?
It's borin' as shit.
Copy !req
767. You know, this is great, guys.
Copy !req
768. I kind of always,
you know, sort of assumed...
Copy !req
769. that people from the South
were kinda...
Copy !req
770. A bunch of dumb rednecks?
Copy !req
771. - No.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not...
Copy !req
772. We do try to keep our inbred son in
the basement when we have company.
Copy !req
773. Guys, I didn't mean it like that.
I was just...
Copy !req
774. Look at their faces!
Copy !req
775. Fuck, fuck!
Copy !req
776. Shit, they found us.
They found us. They found us.
Copy !req
777. - What do you mean, they found you?
- Listen, I'm so sorry. I am so sorry.
Copy !req
778. Are you boys in some kind of trouble?
Copy !req
779. All right. This is gonna sound crazy,
but, basically...
Copy !req
780. we were on a plane to Amsterdam...
Copy !req
781. and we got mistaken for terrorists
and we got sent to Guantànamo Bay...
Copy !req
782. and then we escaped and snuck
into America with a bunch of Cubans...
Copy !req
783. and now we're trying to get to Texas...
Copy !req
784. where there's a guy
who can help us out...
Copy !req
785. and he's getting married
to Kumar's ex-girlfriend.
Copy !req
786. Yes.
Copy !req
787. OK. That's cool.
Copy !req
788. - I understand that.
- You do?
Copy !req
789. Like the government's never screwed
us over before. You know what?
Copy !req
790. Y'all come down here and hide
in the basement. I will handle this.
Copy !req
791. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, both.
Copy !req
792. Thank you, thank you.
Copy !req
793. OK. This isn't creepy.
Copy !req
794. What the hell is that?
Copy !req
795. You're walking
towards the creepy music?
Copy !req
796. Ge...
Copy !req
797. This song rocks, dude.
Copy !req
798. Kumar.
Copy !req
799. Hey, dude, there's a lighter here
with a clown on it.
Copy !req
800. Jesus Christ, there's a fucking monster!
Copy !req
801. God!
Copy !req
802. Hey, you don't happen to have
a Baby Ruth on you, do you?
Copy !req
803. No. Why do you need a Baby Ruth?
Copy !req
804. That's how Chunk won over Sloth
in The Goonies.
Copy !req
805. This thing looks like Sloth?
Copy !req
806. All I saw was the creature's hand.
Copy !req
807. The hand looks like Sloth?
Copy !req
808. The fucking hand of an evil monster,
dude. Like fucking claws and shit.
Copy !req
809. Shit.
Copy !req
810. Listen, no matter what, don't let
the creature know that it's ugly, OK?
Copy !req
811. The last thing that we want to do is
criticize it or make it feel different...
Copy !req
812. just because it was born
with horrible deformities.
Copy !req
813. Don't worry. I got rid of 'em.
It was just my neighbors.
Copy !req
814. - There's a fricking Cyclops...
- No, you got...
Copy !req
815. in your basement, man!
a fucking thing, dude!
Copy !req
816. You met Cyrus.
Copy !req
817. - Cyrus.
- You named it?
Copy !req
818. Our son.
Copy !req
819. You must have woke him up. He was
supposed to be asleep. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
820. I thought you were joking...
Copy !req
821. when you said you had an inbred son
who lives in your basement.
Copy !req
822. Well, it ain't a joke.
Copy !req
823. Raylene and I here are siblings,
and we get it on.
Copy !req
824. But that don't mean
we ought to be judged.
Copy !req
825. You boys must be awful tired
after what you've been through.
Copy !req
826. Come with me,
I'll show you to your bed.
Copy !req
827. You better go back to sleep, boy!
Copy !req
828. Don't make me come down there
and whip your Cyclops ass!
Copy !req
829. It's tough love.
Copy !req
830. It's the best way.
Copy !req
831. I don't know what I was thinking
dating that douchebag Colton.
Copy !req
832. He is a douchebag.
What were you thinking?
Copy !req
833. But it was agony pretending
his puny, little penis satisfied me.
Copy !req
834. I bet. I bet you've been missing
the thundercock too, haven't you, baby?
Copy !req
835. - Yeah.
- Yeah?
Copy !req
836. Yeah, you've been missing it?
Copy !req
837. How much?
Copy !req
838. - A lot.
- I bet.
Copy !req
839. Well...
Copy !req
840. - I kind of have this fantasy.
- What is it?
Copy !req
841. I thought it'd be kinda cool
to bring somebody else in bed with us.
Copy !req
842. Who?
Copy !req
843. Hey, baby.
Copy !req
844. - Yeah!
- Yeah?
Copy !req
845. - Yeah.
- She's hot, right?
Copy !req
846. Let's do it.
Copy !req
847. Faster, Weedy.
Copy !req
848. Teeth, teeth, Weedy, teeth.
Copy !req
849. - Weedy!
- Yeah?
Copy !req
850. - Yeah!
- You like that?
Copy !req
851. Putting it in the ass now, Weedy.
Copy !req
852. Yeah, how about that?
Copy !req
853. Wow.
Copy !req
854. Dude.
Copy !req
855. I just had the most
fucked-up nightmare.
Copy !req
856. Come on, man.
I was having a really hot dream.
Copy !req
857. Go back to bed, please, dude.
Copy !req
858. Why did we have to leave?
Their Goonies child was kind of cute.
Copy !req
859. I don't care. It tried to fucking bite me.
Copy !req
860. Jesus, every time the two of us
try to get anywhere...
Copy !req
861. it's fucking disaster
after fucking disaster.
Copy !req
862. Jesus, dude.
Here, you really need a hit of this.
Copy !req
863. Dude, I don't want a fucking hit!
Copy !req
864. It's your solution to everything,
you know that?
Copy !req
865. Think about it.
We should be at Colton's already.
Copy !req
866. Hey, chill, we still have two days
to fuck up the wedding.
Copy !req
867. - What?
- What?
Copy !req
868. - What?
- What?
Copy !req
869. That's what this is all about, isn't it?
You want to fuck up the wedding.
Copy !req
870. It's not fucking funny, Kumar.
It's not fucking funny!
Copy !req
871. Colton is the only guy
that can help us out at this point.
Copy !req
872. I can't believe... I cannot believe
you're willing to fuck that up!
Copy !req
873. I just hate that fucking asshole, OK?
Copy !req
874. Yeah? I like him better
than I like you right now.
Copy !req
875. - Really?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
876. You know what he got me? A job.
Copy !req
877. You know what you got me?
Thrown into Guantànamo Bay.
Copy !req
878. - Your job sucks.
- Admit it.
Copy !req
879. You're jealous because Vanessa
found somebody better than you.
Copy !req
880. What the fuck
is that supposed to mean?
Copy !req
881. Better than you! Let me think.
Copy !req
882. Potential future president,
or unemployed pothead?
Copy !req
883. Tough. That's tough.
That's a tough one for her, isn't it?
Copy !req
884. Yeah, well at least
Vanessa's not in Amsterdam...
Copy !req
885. getting plowed
by a bunch of European dudes.
Copy !req
886. - What?
- Do you really think Maria's...
Copy !req
887. saving herself for you, dude?
Copy !req
888. Right now, she's probably got
two uncircumcised dicks...
Copy !req
889. dangling in front of her throat.
Copy !req
890. You know what she's gonna do with them?
Down 'em into her tonsils?
Copy !req
891. Fucking dick.
Copy !req
892. - That's my hat.
- That was my hat, bro.
Copy !req
893. Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria.
Copy !req
894. Asshole!
Copy !req
895. Don't you dare say a fucking word
about my angel!
Copy !req
896. What the fuck was that?
Copy !req
897. Get up. Get up!
Copy !req
898. Fuck you.
Copy !req
899. Shit.
Copy !req
900. Isn't that a KKK bonfire?
Copy !req
901. Yeah.
Copy !req
902. Yeah, I think it is.
Copy !req
903. Maybe we should
get the fuck out of here.
Copy !req
904. Yeah. Yeah, dude.
Copy !req
905. Let's do that.
Copy !req
906. The other day, caught a rerun
of that show Becker.
Copy !req
907. You know that show?
Copy !req
908. Yeah, that's the one
with that Jew, Ted Danson.
Copy !req
909. That blond negro they got on there,
he had me in stitches.
Copy !req
910. He's actually pretty funny.
Copy !req
911. Really? You think so?
Copy !req
912. I'm not saying I wouldn't
lynch the guy, but...
Copy !req
913. his timing, it's priceless.
Copy !req
914. Hold up a second.
Copy !req
915. I gotta go drain the main vein.
Copy !req
916. I'll tell ya, Travis...
Copy !req
917. when it comes to feeling good...
Copy !req
918. I'd rate pissin' right up there
with comin' and shittin'.
Copy !req
919. I like to do all three.
Copy !req
920. Yeah, I hear ya.
Copy !req
921. Kenny, come on, man.
Hurry the fuck up.
Copy !req
922. You were the one who made me
drink that third beer.
Copy !req
923. Hold your horses, peckerwood.
Copy !req
924. Gross! You fucking pissed on me!
Copy !req
925. - You racist fuck!
- What the heck?
Copy !req
926. What the nigger was that?
Copy !req
927. This is fucked. We are fucked.
Copy !req
928. Kenny. Travis.
Copy !req
929. What in the tarnation you guys doin'?
Copy !req
930. Good, you brought the keg.
Lug that thing over.
Copy !req
931. - Let's go! Come on!
- Come on!
Copy !req
932. Let's go, come on!
Copy !req
933. Yeah, then you put little onions on 'em
and you steam 'em, they're awesome.
Copy !req
934. Roldy, dude, I'd never thought
I'd say this in a million years...
Copy !req
935. but the Klan really knows how to party.
Copy !req
936. You gotta try these dogs.
Copy !req
937. - Really?
- Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
938. Really know how to...
the Klan knows how to party?
Copy !req
939. - Dude, we've got to get out of here!
- Jeez, all right, dude, relax.
Copy !req
940. All right, y'all! Come on over here
and we'll sit around the campfire.
Copy !req
941. - Shit, what do we do?
- Let's go sit down.
Copy !req
942. Rufus. Next to them marshmallows...
Copy !req
943. - and the graham crackers.
- Everybody sit down.
Copy !req
944. Best s'mores we've had in a long time...
Copy !req
945. that's what I'm talking about,
that's what I'm talking about.
Copy !req
946. Now. Now I want
each one of y'all to tell me...
Copy !req
947. somethin'... Porch monkey, kike!
Copy !req
948. that you did
to a minority this week. Yeah.
Copy !req
949. I tripped a beaner while I was
walking down the stairs...
Copy !req
950. at the Wal-Mart the other day.
Copy !req
951. Guy crashed into a bunch of wine bottles.
Copy !req
952. They made him pay for 'em! Yeah!
Copy !req
953. All right, all right, let's all calm down.
Copy !req
954. White power here, white power here,
white power here.
Copy !req
955. Giving him what he deserves.
Copy !req
956. Hebe!
Copy !req
957. All right, I'm back. Next.
Copy !req
958. It better be good. Here.
Copy !req
959. Come on, dude, say something.
Copy !req
960. You know what?
Copy !req
961. I did knee an Indian guy in the balls.
Copy !req
962. That's funny!
Copy !req
963. Yeah, send them Indians back to Africa.
Copy !req
964. Well, you want to hear something real
fucked-up and awesome that I did?
Copy !req
965. I took a Korean guy's toothbrush
and I rubbed it all over my dick.
Copy !req
966. - You did that?
- Well, that's just downright disgustin'.
Copy !req
967. - But I like it!
- Yeah!
Copy !req
968. Yeah, I love bein' white.
Copy !req
969. - What the...
- Look what we got us here, brothers.
Copy !req
970. Mexicans!
Copy !req
971. Lynch 'em!
Copy !req
972. Come on, come on! Come on!
Copy !req
973. Come on, boys, let's chase them
back to the border!
Copy !req
974. Pussy fart!
Copy !req
975. Holy shit!
Copy !req
976. Should we put it out or what?
Copy !req
977. Are they still behind us?
Copy !req
978. I don't think so.
Dude, the Klan is fucking slow.
Copy !req
979. Hey, flag down this car.
Copy !req
980. Help! Help! Help!
Copy !req
981. - Thank you.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
982. Thanks for stopping.
Copy !req
983. No problem.
Copy !req
984. Neil?
Copy !req
985. Gary and Kumar!
Copy !req
986. - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
987. Harold. Harold.
Copy !req
988. Sorry, man. I forgot.
Copy !req
989. What are you doing here, man?
Copy !req
990. This is where God took me.
What are you guys doing out here?
Copy !req
991. We're actually trying to get to Texas.
Copy !req
992. That's where I'm headed!
Copy !req
993. What are the odds?
Copy !req
994. Let's get out of here.
Copy !req
995. - All right.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
996. Shrooms?
Copy !req
997. - No. Thanks, though.
- No, thank you.
Copy !req
998. Suit yourself.
Copy !req
999. Gentlemen, start your engines.
Copy !req
1000. It's gonna be a bumpy fuckin' ride.
Copy !req
1001. We found their phone.
Copy !req
1002. Lee and Patel made a phone call to you.
Copy !req
1003. Now tell us everything you know
about their terrorist plot.
Copy !req
1004. Terrorist plot? Rold and Kumar?
Copy !req
1005. This is ridiculous.
Copy !req
1006. OK, fine. Fine.
Copy !req
1007. Mr. Rosenberg.
Copy !req
1008. Mr. Gold-stein.
Copy !req
1009. We'll do it your way.
Copy !req
1010. What's this? What do we have here?
Copy !req
1011. It's about seven dollars?
Copy !req
1012. Look, don't insult us, all right?
Copy !req
1013. I don't know
what the hell is going on here...
Copy !req
1014. but I'm pleading the Fifth
until I speak to my lawyer.
Copy !req
1015. You're pleading the Fifth, huh?
Copy !req
1016. Beecher, give me a copy
of the Bill of Rights.
Copy !req
1017. The Bill of Rights? Why?
Copy !req
1018. Just do it!
Copy !req
1019. Excuse me.
Copy !req
1020. Five, right?
Copy !req
1021. - Five alive.
- Sure.
Copy !req
1022. OK. OK. Good.
Copy !req
1023. You wanna know what I think
about the Fifth Amendment?
Copy !req
1024. There it is.
Copy !req
1025. That's what I think
of the Fifth Amendment.
Copy !req
1026. Why the hell is your ass so dirty?
Don't you wipe?
Copy !req
1027. Don't ask questions
you don't want the answer to, buddy.
Copy !req
1028. What do ya got?
Copy !req
1029. Turns out the FBI was already
tapping Mr. Goldstein's phone.
Copy !req
1030. - We got what we need.
- Wait a second.
Copy !req
1031. You were tapping my phone?
Copy !req
1032. You want to hear the tape?
Copy !req
1033. No. I'm sick of listening
to this dirt farmer. What's the upshot?
Copy !req
1034. Lee and Patel are on their way
to Texas as we speak.
Copy !req
1035. I knew they'd trip up.
Copy !req
1036. Ready the plane.
These fuckers are goin' down.
Copy !req
1037. Neil, can you just focus on driving?
You've had... Focus on the road.
Copy !req
1038. You've had dozens of shrooms,
my friend.
Copy !req
1039. Dude, I was able to perform
an appendectomy at age 14.
Copy !req
1040. I think I can handle
a couple mushrooms.
Copy !req
1041. - Wasn't that just a TV show?
- Jesus Christ!
Copy !req
1042. Did you see that unicorn?
Copy !req
1043. Its horn was so shiny.
Copy !req
1044. So, why are you guys headed to Texas?
Copy !req
1045. Let's just say
my ex-girlfriend's getting married.
Copy !req
1046. The one that got away, huh?
Copy !req
1047. Yep.
Copy !req
1048. Sounds to me like you need a drink.
Copy !req
1049. Road. Neil, please,
can you pay attention...
Copy !req
1050. Dude, I've got it!
Copy !req
1051. - Yeah, but...
- He's a good driver. Stop.
Copy !req
1052. Thanks, man. Cheers, dude.
Copy !req
1053. Really? Drinking?
Copy !req
1054. I have a lost-love story of my own.
Copy !req
1055. Yeah?
Copy !req
1056. Happened on the set of Clara's Heart.
Copy !req
1057. Sure, sure, yeah.
Copy !req
1058. I'll never forget her.
Her name was Tashonda.
Copy !req
1059. She was Whoopi Goldberg's stand-in.
Copy !req
1060. Her skin was so soft,
her lips were so sweet.
Copy !req
1061. She had these tiny,
little Hershey Kiss nipples...
Copy !req
1062. that you just wanted
to suck on all night long.
Copy !req
1063. Anyway, last day of shooting, I told her.
Copy !req
1064. I said...
Copy !req
1065. "T-Bird, we're gonna have to break up."
Copy !req
1066. Why did you do that?
Copy !req
1067. I didn't think I could take on
that kind of responsibility.
Copy !req
1068. It was such a big mistake.
Copy !req
1069. Why? I mean, with T-Bird gone...
Copy !req
1070. couldn't you have sex
with whoever you wanted?
Copy !req
1071. Let me be clear.
Copy !req
1072. There is nothing on the planet...
Copy !req
1073. that I love more than a hot, new pussy.
Copy !req
1074. - Sure.
- Nothing.
Copy !req
1075. What does the P.H. Stands for in N.P.H.?
Copy !req
1076. Patrick Harris.
Copy !req
1077. No, common mistake. Poon handler.
Copy !req
1078. The point is, boys...
Copy !req
1079. even though I love havin' sex
with some hot, random trim...
Copy !req
1080. a day hasn't gone by
where I haven't thought of Tashonda.
Copy !req
1081. Every time I see a bag of
Hershey's Kisses, my balls get so wet.
Copy !req
1082. Here's to you, Tashonda.
Copy !req
1083. - I hope you kept the baby.
- Wow.
Copy !req
1084. Hey, honey.
What's up?
Copy !req
1085. I found something in your purse.
Copy !req
1086. Why would you go through my purse?
Copy !req
1087. Why would you have a joint...
Copy !req
1088. when you know
it could ruin my political career?
Copy !req
1089. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1090. What with all the wedding plans,
I've just been a little stressed.
Copy !req
1091. It helps me relax?
Copy !req
1092. Marijuana is illegal, Vanessa.
Copy !req
1093. Now, I thought that part of your life
was in the past.
Copy !req
1094. - It is.
- Good.
Copy !req
1095. That's all I need to hear.
Copy !req
1096. Hey, baby.
Copy !req
1097. Look, I know things can be hectic
with the wedding.
Copy !req
1098. But, you know, if you get stressed out,
just do what I do.
Copy !req
1099. Snort Zoloft, OK?
Copy !req
1100. What the fuck?
Copy !req
1101. Shit.
Copy !req
1102. Dude, they set up a fucking roadblock!
They're gonna find us.
Copy !req
1103. - What are you talking about?
- Neil...
Copy !req
1104. I don't know how to say this
any other way, man, but we're fugitives.
Copy !req
1105. Cool.
Copy !req
1106. OK, well, we've got to find a way
to get out of this.
Copy !req
1107. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Please.
Copy !req
1108. You act like I've never smuggled
a fugitive across state lines before.
Copy !req
1109. Here. Hide in that.
Copy !req
1110. Sorry. It's a little sticky.
Copy !req
1111. Shit.
Copy !req
1112. Yeah.
Copy !req
1113. What the... When were you
gonna show me these?
Copy !req
1114. Excuse me.
Copy !req
1115. Wait, Officer!
Copy !req
1116. - Shit.
- Hold that car!
Copy !req
1117. Neil Patrick Harris.
Copy !req
1118. Yo.
Copy !req
1119. It is an honor to meet you, sir.
Copy !req
1120. Yeah. I would imagine so.
Copy !req
1121. I'm sure you get this all the time...
Copy !req
1122. but your part in Starship Troopers
truly, truly changed my life.
Copy !req
1123. Really?
Copy !req
1124. How?
Copy !req
1125. Well, no one thought the war against
the arachnids of Klendathu could be won.
Copy !req
1126. - But you showed the starship troopers...
- Neil!
Copy !req
1127. that those bugs could be destroyed.
Copy !req
1128. A lot of people think the war on terror
is a war that can't be won, right?
Copy !req
1129. That's why I joined
the Department of Homeland Security.
Copy !req
1130. My friend, two words.
Starship fuckin' Troopers.
Copy !req
1131. If you want to know the secret of being,
you will come with us.
Copy !req
1132. Please. I really need to go.
Copy !req
1133. Yeah, of course. I'm so sorry
to bother you. You move along.
Copy !req
1134. Bye.
Copy !req
1135. I love you.
Copy !req
1136. I love you too, Mr. Patrick Harris.
Copy !req
1137. What the...
Copy !req
1138. Holy fucking shit, that was awesome.
Copy !req
1139. Try having that conversation
on shrooms.
Copy !req
1140. I deserve an Oscar
for that performance.
Copy !req
1141. - You do!
- Dudes...
Copy !req
1142. I'm gonna take a little detour
on the way, all right?
Copy !req
1143. - No.
- Neil, no.
Copy !req
1144. But we're almost there, man.
Copy !req
1145. - No buts. No buts!
- What do you do...
Copy !req
1146. I'm going to a whorehouse
and I'm gonna get my fuck on.
Copy !req
1147. If you two don't want to get
your dicks wet, that's fine with me.
Copy !req
1148. I'll get my dick wet.
Copy !req
1149. Pussy, I'm home!
Copy !req
1150. Hello?
Copy !req
1151. Well, well, well. I thought you'd never
show your face around here again.
Copy !req
1152. What's the matter, Sally? I thought
I was one of your top customers.
Copy !req
1153. Have you forgotten what happened
the last time you were here?
Copy !req
1154. Because of you, my best girl quit.
Copy !req
1155. Hey, I paid her good money.
Copy !req
1156. It's not my fault
she didn't lube up.
Copy !req
1157. Besides, I bring you new customers.
Copy !req
1158. - New customers?
- No, Neil, that's all.
Copy !req
1159. Thank you. Thank you.
Appreciate it. Appreciate it.
Copy !req
1160. Sally. Bring on the lineup.
Copy !req
1161. Line up in the chutes, girls.
Copy !req
1162. Longhorns coming through.
Copy !req
1163. Neil.
Copy !req
1164. Bigger. Bigger. Bigger. Bigger.
Copy !req
1165. Hello, ba...
Copy !req
1166. - What's your name, miss?
- Tits Hemingway.
Copy !req
1167. How'd you come up with that?
Copy !req
1168. Well, I have huge tits.
Copy !req
1169. And my favorite book
is A Moveable Feast.
Copy !req
1170. I guess that makes sense, yeah.
Copy !req
1171. Well, I hope you're ready for me, Tits...
Copy !req
1172. 'cause I'm gonna rock out
with my cock out...
Copy !req
1173. and you're gonna jam out
with your clam out.
Copy !req
1174. It's gonna be magical.
Copy !req
1175. - The whores are on me, fellas.
- No, Neil...
Copy !req
1176. - thank you, but we... that's...
- Thanks, dude.
Copy !req
1177. Screw that, Roldy.
I don't know about you...
Copy !req
1178. but, no offense to the rest of you ladies,
I am gonna be taking you two.
Copy !req
1179. No, Kumar. Kumar!
Copy !req
1180. Roldy, you're missing out, brother.
Copy !req
1181. Yo, we need to get back on the road,
buddy.
Copy !req
1182. We need...
Copy !req
1183. Well, now, you know, we also supply...
Copy !req
1184. in-room films or a magazine.
Copy !req
1185. Well, if you'd like
some self-satisfaction...
Copy !req
1186. we do have some...
Copy !req
1187. electronic devices right over there.
Copy !req
1188. Just have some coffee. Yeah?
Copy !req
1189. Why don't you lie on the bed?
Copy !req
1190. And tell us what you want us to do.
Copy !req
1191. OK. OK.
Copy !req
1192. Well...
Copy !req
1193. how about...
Copy !req
1194. How about you take off your clothes
and make out with each other?
Copy !req
1195. - We've done that before.
- We can do that.
Copy !req
1196. - Yeah?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1197. Can you use tongue?
Copy !req
1198. Bump your titty on her titty.
Copy !req
1199. Boner achieved!
Copy !req
1200. Great. Now let's get those pants off.
Copy !req
1201. OK.
Copy !req
1202. - You are benevolent human beings.
- Yeah, I know.
Copy !req
1203. - Yeah?
- We get that a lot.
Copy !req
1204. Yeah. You know what that means,
benevolent?
Copy !req
1205. Yeah, I do, actually.
Copy !req
1206. What?
Copy !req
1207. It means we're gonna fuck you so hard...
Copy !req
1208. your dick's gonna be sore for two weeks.
Copy !req
1209. That is exactly, exactly what it means.
Copy !req
1210. You know what bothers me
the most, though?
Copy !req
1211. He never once apologized
for getting me into all this trouble.
Copy !req
1212. I mean, I'm supposed to be with my
Maria right now in Amsterdam, OK?
Copy !req
1213. But it's cool.
He doesn't know how to say "I'm sorry."
Copy !req
1214. Why do you think that is?
Copy !req
1215. Sparkle, because it's all about
what he wants. It's about him, him, him.
Copy !req
1216. You know. I don't even care
because... You know...
Copy !req
1217. if he can't be a good friend to me,
I'm not gonna be a good friend to him.
Copy !req
1218. - It's done.
- Don't say that.
Copy !req
1219. A good friend is hard to come by.
Copy !req
1220. Venus, come on.
Copy !req
1221. Yeah, but if he was a real friend,
he would know how to say, "I'm sorry."
Copy !req
1222. That's right.
Copy !req
1223. Thank you, Agnes.
Copy !req
1224. Nail on the head.
Copy !req
1225. It's like right now...
Copy !req
1226. after all the shit that we have
been through in the last few days...
Copy !req
1227. you know, he's in there having
the time of his life, having sex.
Copy !req
1228. I never should have left her.
Copy !req
1229. I don't even know...
Copy !req
1230. I don't even know what I was thinking.
Copy !req
1231. I loved her so much.
Copy !req
1232. She was my little baby.
Copy !req
1233. Why did I let my little baby go?
Copy !req
1234. Why did I let her go?
Copy !req
1235. You'll find someone else.
Copy !req
1236. No, I won't. Not like Vanessa.
Copy !req
1237. You'll find love again someday.
Copy !req
1238. Yeah, you will.
Copy !req
1239. Did you guys?
Copy !req
1240. No, we're whores.
Copy !req
1241. - Remember?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1242. Oh, my God. Are you OK?
Copy !req
1243. What the hell is going on here?
Copy !req
1244. That prick fucking branded me!
Copy !req
1245. - Stop it.
- I warned you, Neil.
Copy !req
1246. Bring it.
Copy !req
1247. - Neil! Neil!
- Time to put your dick in the dirt.
Copy !req
1248. - What... Neil! What are you doing?
- Come on. Come on. Come on.
Copy !req
1249. - But...
- No, Neil.
Copy !req
1250. Neil!
Copy !req
1251. - What about Neil, man?
- No, fuck Neil. He just fucked us.
Copy !req
1252. - Neil! Neil!
- Come on, come on, come on!
Copy !req
1253. - Come on! Come on! Come on!
- Neil!
Copy !req
1254. Come on!
Copy !req
1255. - N.P.H.!
- No!
Copy !req
1256. Stop! Stop!
Copy !req
1257. Wait, wait, wait, wait!
We've got to get Neil.
Copy !req
1258. - Why?
- Look, we're stealing his car!
Copy !req
1259. - We can't leave him back there.
- He stole your fucking car last week!
Copy !req
1260. What was that?
Copy !req
1261. - Hurry up.
- Neil!
Copy !req
1262. - Hurry up. Come on, man.
- Guys.
Copy !req
1263. - All right. Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up.
- Neil, Neil, come on! Come on, man!
Copy !req
1264. - Guys!
- Hurry up! Hurry up!
Copy !req
1265. It's not even funny.
Hurry up, dude, hurry up.
Copy !req
1266. You can make it, dude.
Copy !req
1267. Oh, my God! Holy shit!
Copy !req
1268. - Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Jesus Christ!
Copy !req
1269. - Neil's dead! Neil's dead!
- No!
Copy !req
1270. - Oh, my God!
- Get the fuck out of here! Go! Go!
Copy !req
1271. It's the dawn of a new day.
Copy !req
1272. And Neil Patrick Harris
isn't around to see it, man.
Copy !req
1273. Dude, I told you.
Copy !req
1274. Will you please stop saying that?
Copy !req
1275. God.
Copy !req
1276. He's gone.
Copy !req
1277. Maybe he's got
some family contact info in here.
Copy !req
1278. Dude, I know
I'm not calling Neil's parents.
Copy !req
1279. What's in the bag?
Copy !req
1280. - Holy fuck.
- Creepy mask.
Copy !req
1281. A jar with hair in it.
Copy !req
1282. And, like, 12 cans of Mace.
Copy !req
1283. - Look, dude.
- Holy shit.
Copy !req
1284. Holy shit, we actually made it.
Copy !req
1285. This is where Colton grew up, huh?
Copy !req
1286. Smell that? That smells like douche.
Copy !req
1287. No, you will remain in this car.
Copy !req
1288. I will go inside alone and, if we're lucky,
Colton will help us out.
Copy !req
1289. - Why can't I just...
- No. Let me put it another way.
Copy !req
1290. You leave this car,
and our friendship is over.
Copy !req
1291. - But, Roldy, I just...
- Kumar.
Copy !req
1292. Open the door
and I will cut your fucking balls off.
Copy !req
1293. Jesus. OK.
Copy !req
1294. - Balls.
- Go.
Copy !req
1295. Hi, I'm a friend of Colton's.
Copy !req
1296. Thank you.
Copy !req
1297. God damn it.
Copy !req
1298. Vanessa? You OK?
Copy !req
1299. - Kumar? What are you doing here?
- Yeah, let me help you up.
Copy !req
1300. I thought you were going to Amsterdam.
Copy !req
1301. Yeah, me too. It didn't work out.
Copy !req
1302. You all right?
Copy !req
1303. - Now, does this hurt when I touch it?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1304. - It does?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1305. This is just what I need.
A limp during the wedding.
Copy !req
1306. Can you move it around in a circle?
Copy !req
1307. OK, that's what I figured. It's just your
ATFL. I don't think you tore it, though.
Copy !req
1308. So a little ice and massage
should do the trick. You'll be fine.
Copy !req
1309. Are you gonna tell me why you're here?
Copy !req
1310. Roldy and I ran into some trouble...
Copy !req
1311. and we figured that maybe
your Colton could help us out.
Copy !req
1312. - Still getting into trouble, huh?
- A little bit.
Copy !req
1313. You remember that time that
you broke into the animal lab...
Copy !req
1314. and, like, stole that monkey and put it
in Andy Rosenberg's dorm room?
Copy !req
1315. OK, first of all,
that was Goldstein's idea...
Copy !req
1316. and second of all...
Copy !req
1317. had I known that the monkey had AIDS,
I never would have done that.
Copy !req
1318. What about you?
Copy !req
1319. You put those disgusting used tampons
in Professor Konop's purse.
Copy !req
1320. - Remember that?
- Come on.
Copy !req
1321. She was a bitch and you know it.
Copy !req
1322. What's going on here?
Copy !req
1323. Hey, she actually fell
and broke her heel here.
Copy !req
1324. Yeah, I twisted my ankle.
Kumar was just looking at it.
Copy !req
1325. - Why aren't you in the car, Kumar?
- Dude, I heard her yell.
Copy !req
1326. I thought I told you
to stay in the car, man.
Copy !req
1327. It's OK, man.
Copy !req
1328. No worries.
Copy !req
1329. Listen, Roldy filled me in
on the situation.
Copy !req
1330. But don't worry. I'll make sure
my dad takes care of everything.
Copy !req
1331. Thanks, man.
Copy !req
1332. In the meantime,
you are going to the doctor.
Copy !req
1333. Ramòn!
Copy !req
1334. Ramòn. Please bring Vanessa
to Dr. Harris immediately.
Copy !req
1335. Bye, Vanessa. Hope you feel better.
Copy !req
1336. - Bye.
- Bye.
Copy !req
1337. Guys.
Copy !req
1338. All right.
Copy !req
1339. All right, guys. Jet's all fueled.
You should be home in no time.
Copy !req
1340. Sweet.
Copy !req
1341. Hey, Colton, I can't believe
you're doing this for us...
Copy !req
1342. on the night before your wedding day.
Copy !req
1343. - I really appreciate it. Thank you.
- Please don't mention it.
Copy !req
1344. Just want to make sure
everything works out smoothly.
Copy !req
1345. Are all these planes yours?
Copy !req
1346. No. OK.
Copy !req
1347. Rold, come on, of course they are.
Copy !req
1348. This guy's funny. You're funny.
Copy !req
1349. - Yeah?
- Hey, Colton, man.
Copy !req
1350. Listen, I was wrong about you, dude.
You're not a douchebag.
Copy !req
1351. Dude.
Copy !req
1352. You know what I mean.
I mean, you're a good dude.
Copy !req
1353. And I'm happy for you and Vanessa.
Copy !req
1354. That's big of you, Kumar.
Copy !req
1355. - I really appreciate it.
- Sure.
Copy !req
1356. I just can't wait to get back, man.
Copy !req
1357. You're going back all right.
Copy !req
1358. This time you're not escaping.
Copy !req
1359. Now!
Copy !req
1360. Go! Move, move, move!
Copy !req
1361. You are a douchebag...
Copy !req
1362. - No.
- ... you fucking douchebag, fuck you!
Copy !req
1363. Yeah. The last thing I was letting
you guys do is ruin my wedding.
Copy !req
1364. - You did this?
- Of course he did this.
Copy !req
1365. I thought we were friends, man.
How could you betray me like this?
Copy !req
1366. Come on, Rold. You and me?
Copy !req
1367. You let me cheat off you
in Advanced Accounting.
Copy !req
1368. Other than that,
I could give a shit about you.
Copy !req
1369. Take 'em away, guys.
Copy !req
1370. When we get out of this I'm gonna
fucking kick your fucking ass, man!
Copy !req
1371. Boy, you're scaring me.
Copy !req
1372. Well, come on, you're not
one of those kung-fu Asians...
Copy !req
1373. you're a fucking pussy banker,
for Christ's sakes.
Copy !req
1374. - Fuck you! Fuck you!
- I'm gonna rip you up, bitch!
Copy !req
1375. - You'd best watch your back, bitch!
- Fuck you, dude!
Copy !req
1376. - Fuck you!
- Fuck you!
Copy !req
1377. I'm awesome.
Copy !req
1378. Looks like you boys picked
the wrong side, huh?
Copy !req
1379. Where's your Koran now?
Copy !req
1380. We're not even Muslim, you moron...
Copy !req
1381. and even if we were,
that doesn't make us terrorists.
Copy !req
1382. Hey! I'm talking to you.
Get back here!
Copy !req
1383. Man. I can't believe we're going back.
Copy !req
1384. Now do you see
why I hate Colton Graham?
Copy !req
1385. Now do you see why I hate you?
Copy !req
1386. I asked you specifically
to stay in the car.
Copy !req
1387. I told you our friendship was at stake.
Copy !req
1388. Vanessa fell down.
And I was helping her.
Copy !req
1389. - I don't want to hear the excuses!
- It's not an excuse!
Copy !req
1390. I don't want to hear the excuses!
Copy !req
1391. - I heard her yelling!
- I don't want to hear it.
Copy !req
1392. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1393. 'Kay?
Copy !req
1394. Look at this. Look at this.
Copy !req
1395. I fucked up, OK?
Copy !req
1396. I fucked up and I always fuck up.
I am a fuck-up.
Copy !req
1397. You think?
Copy !req
1398. Harold...
Copy !req
1399. you're my best friend, dude.
Copy !req
1400. You mean the world to me, man.
I love you.
Copy !req
1401. Queers.
Copy !req
1402. And I promise you, if we figure out...
Copy !req
1403. a way to get out of this,
I'm gonna change, OK?
Copy !req
1404. It's not just gonna be
about Kumar all the time.
Copy !req
1405. It'll be about Kumar and Harold.
Copy !req
1406. Harold and Kumar.
Copy !req
1407. I kind of like the first way better.
Copy !req
1408. OK, OK. Harold and Kumar.
Copy !req
1409. Harold and Kumar.
Copy !req
1410. It's not all your fault.
Copy !req
1411. Yeah, it is. I brought weed on the plane.
Copy !req
1412. - You got weed?
- No. The other plane.
Copy !req
1413. No, I wish Neil Patrick Harris were still
alive, that guy fucking loves him.
Copy !req
1414. He totally would have
been able to bail us out.
Copy !req
1415. You just gave me an idea, man.
Copy !req
1416. - What?
- I got this.
Copy !req
1417. Hey, Burl...
Copy !req
1418. - I actually still have some weed.
- You do?
Copy !req
1419. - Seriously?
- Yeah. It's in my pants.
Copy !req
1420. - Hold up.
- You want to smoke now?
Copy !req
1421. Just let me...
Copy !req
1422. - Harold, this is definitely not...
- ... get it.
Copy !req
1423. the time to smoke.
Copy !req
1424. Dude, you took Neil's Mace?
Copy !req
1425. Been through a lot of shit,
figured we might need it.
Copy !req
1426. Well, good call.
Copy !req
1427. Derek, can I get another water?
Copy !req
1428. What the fuck?
Copy !req
1429. - Keep your hands up.
- Please don't shoot us.
Copy !req
1430. - Jesus Christ. OK, OK.
- Please don't shoot.
Copy !req
1431. It will be a cold day in hell
before I let you hijack this plane.
Copy !req
1432. Beecher, what are you doing?
Copy !req
1433. Whose side are you on? I thought
I told you to stay in the cockpit!
Copy !req
1434. Enough, Fox!
I've had enough of your crap!
Copy !req
1435. You think that just because I'm smart...
Copy !req
1436. you can treat me
like some dork in gym class?
Copy !req
1437. It's obvious these kids are innocent.
But you're too dumb to realize that.
Copy !req
1438. You know, it's people like you...
Copy !req
1439. who make the world think
that Americans are stupid!
Copy !req
1440. Well, we're not stupid! And we're not
gonna take this shit anymore!
Copy !req
1441. It's OK, guys.
Copy !req
1442. It's all over now.
Copy !req
1443. Everything's gonna be all right.
Copy !req
1444. Jesus!
Copy !req
1445. Fuck!
Copy !req
1446. I don't wanna die!
Copy !req
1447. Kumar!
Copy !req
1448. - What?
- I have the parachute!
Copy !req
1449. Come over here.
Copy !req
1450. How the fuck am I supposed to do that?
Copy !req
1451. Swim!
Copy !req
1452. Holy shit.
Copy !req
1453. It's fucking working!
Copy !req
1454. Yeah!
Copy !req
1455. I love you, dude.
Copy !req
1456. Shit!
Copy !req
1457. Don't worry about him. I have an idea.
Copy !req
1458. - What?
- Hang on.
Copy !req
1459. Fuck you!
Copy !req
1460. Man, that was so fuckin' extreme.
Copy !req
1461. It was.
Copy !req
1462. - Kumar?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1463. Our dicks are touching, aren't they?
Copy !req
1464. Yeah, I guess they are.
Copy !req
1465. - Yeah.
- OK, I was just checking.
Copy !req
1466. Roldy, can you move us out of the way?
There's a house coming up down here.
Copy !req
1467. I have no idea what I'm doing.
Copy !req
1468. Dude!
Copy !req
1469. The glass hurt my dick.
The glass hurt my dick.
Copy !req
1470. I think I'm OK. Yeah.
Copy !req
1471. - Dude. Dude.
- Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1472. - No, shit, dude. You all right?
- Fuck! I think so!
Copy !req
1473. We gotta get out of here before
the people who live here find us.
Copy !req
1474. I know. They're gonna be...
Copy !req
1475. Dude? Dude?
Copy !req
1476. What's up?
Copy !req
1477. - No.
- Holy shit!
Copy !req
1478. What the hell are y'all
doing in my office?
Copy !req
1479. You'd better start giving me
some answers!
Copy !req
1480. George?
We're gonna be late for that wedding.
Copy !req
1481. Shit. It's Cheney. Come on, you guys.
Keep quiet. Follow me.
Copy !req
1482. That guy scares the crap out of me.
Let's go hide in the guesthouse.
Copy !req
1483. - Come the fuck on.
- I'm coming.
Copy !req
1484. - This is a cool room.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1485. Yeah, this is where
I come to escape from work.
Copy !req
1486. - Here?
- Yes, sir.
Copy !req
1487. - So who the heck are you guys?
- All right.
Copy !req
1488. My name is Harold Lee, sir...
Copy !req
1489. and this is Kumar Patel.
Copy !req
1490. Anyway, we were on a parachute
and we sort of landed on your ranch.
Copy !req
1491. Dude, this is weed.
Copy !req
1492. That's Alabama Kush.
Copy !req
1493. That's only the finest.
Copy !req
1494. So you get high and then you put
other people who smoke weed in jail?
Copy !req
1495. - That's so hypocritical.
- Dude, look...
Copy !req
1496. Yeah? Well, let me ask you
something, Kumar.
Copy !req
1497. - You like giving hand jobs?
- No, sir.
Copy !req
1498. - You like getting hand jobs?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1499. All right. Well, that makes you
a fucking hypocriticizer too.
Copy !req
1500. So shut the fuck up
and smoke my weed.
Copy !req
1501. Hey, love.
Copy !req
1502. What are you doing here? It's bad luck.
The ceremony starts in a hour.
Copy !req
1503. I just want to let you know...
Copy !req
1504. I had catering get an extra case
of Coors Light...
Copy !req
1505. in case the President comes.
Copy !req
1506. It's his favorite beer.
Copy !req
1507. - Do you think that'll be enough?
- I don't know. Yes?
Copy !req
1508. Who cares?
Copy !req
1509. Look, were you able to work
everything out with Kumar and Harold?
Copy !req
1510. Don't worry, Chestnut.
I took complete care of 'em.
Copy !req
1511. They thought you guys were terrorizers.
Copy !req
1512. Wait. That's not funny, man.
They sent us to Guantànamo Bay.
Copy !req
1513. Fuck! G. Bay?
Copy !req
1514. Tell me you didn't eat
that cockmeat sandwich.
Copy !req
1515. No. No, we did not eat the cockmeat
sandwich. We escaped, thank God.
Copy !req
1516. That cockmeat sandwich.
That's my favorite.
Copy !req
1517. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
1518. - This is good shit.
- I know. I know.
Copy !req
1519. - I laced it with blow.
- Fuck.
Copy !req
1520. So it knocks you out, and it keeps you
going at the same time.
Copy !req
1521. If you like weed so much,
why don't you just legalize it?
Copy !req
1522. Are you fucking kidding me?
Copy !req
1523. You know how pissed off
my dad would get if I did that?
Copy !req
1524. Holy shit, dude.
Copy !req
1525. My dad's all up in my shit too,
about this whole...
Copy !req
1526. - med school thing, right?
- I know.
Copy !req
1527. And it's not that I don't
want to be a doctor, but like...
Copy !req
1528. fucking... sometimes I wonder
if he's just encouraging me...
Copy !req
1529. because he knows it'll make me happy...
Copy !req
1530. or because he wants me
to carry on his legacy, you know?
Copy !req
1531. You just blew my fuckin' mind.
Copy !req
1532. - Hi.
- Hi. You look good.
Copy !req
1533. Daddy.
Copy !req
1534. Yeah, it's W.
Copy !req
1535. I don't need your friends
to tell me what to do anymore.
Copy !req
1536. - No, I'm not being disrespectful.
- That's what I say.
Copy !req
1537. I'm just saying that
I can handle my own shit, all right?
Copy !req
1538. I mean, I don't need them to tell me
how to do what I have to do.
Copy !req
1539. Yeah, dude!
Copy !req
1540. Yeah, well you know what?
Yeah, well, fuck you, Dad.
Copy !req
1541. Fuck you!
Copy !req
1542. - Dude, that was awesome.
- You guys are awesome.
Copy !req
1543. - No. No.
- You're awesome!
Copy !req
1544. - You are awesomer.
- Sir, you are awesome.
Copy !req
1545. Seriously.
Copy !req
1546. Listen, about our situation...
Copy !req
1547. Fuck that. Listen, guys, guys, guys.
I am the fucking President, all right?
Copy !req
1548. That means I get to pardon whoever
I want. You guys are in the fuckin' clear.
Copy !req
1549. Don't worry.
Copy !req
1550. - Holy shit. Are you serious? Thank you.
- Oh, my God. Thank you, Mr. President.
Copy !req
1551. Yeah.
Copy !req
1552. - Thank you. Thank you.
- Don't mention it.
Copy !req
1553. But, listen, to be honest, after
all the shit that we've been through...
Copy !req
1554. I don't know if we can trust
our government anymore.
Copy !req
1555. - Trust the government?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1556. Heck. I'm in the government
and I don't even trust it.
Copy !req
1557. You don't have to believe in your
government to be a good American.
Copy !req
1558. You just have to believe in your country.
Copy !req
1559. Exactly.
Copy !req
1560. - Exactly.
- Right.
Copy !req
1561. This is good shit, isn't it?
Copy !req
1562. Yeah, it is.
Copy !req
1563. If you guys need anything else,
just let me know, all right?
Copy !req
1564. Actually, Mr. President,
there is one thing.
Copy !req
1565. - This really came out great.
- Yeah, it did, man.
Copy !req
1566. I lit a lot of these candles.
Copy !req
1567. Great.
Copy !req
1568. - All clear.
- Safe to proceed.
Copy !req
1569. He's here! I knew he'd come.
Copy !req
1570. All right, let 'em in.
Copy !req
1571. - What is happen...
- Who is that?
Copy !req
1572. - Harold?
- Kumar?
Copy !req
1573. Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize
for interrupting this beautiful ceremony.
Copy !req
1574. But there is no way in hell...
Copy !req
1575. that I'm letting the only woman
I've ever loved marry that piece of shit.
Copy !req
1576. Security, get them out of here, please.
Copy !req
1577. These guys?
No, see, they're with us. Yeah.
Copy !req
1578. Looks like I got a little more pull
with the President than you, bitch.
Copy !req
1579. - What the hell is going on?
- I'll tell you what's going on.
Copy !req
1580. Your fiancé promised
to get us out of trouble.
Copy !req
1581. But instead he arranged for us
to be sent back to Guantànamo Bay...
Copy !req
1582. where we'd be forced
to suck Big Bob's fat dick.
Copy !req
1583. - Is this true?
- Yeah, it's true.
Copy !req
1584. I'll take care of this myself.
Copy !req
1585. - OK, wait.
- No...
Copy !req
1586. You son of a bitch.
Copy !req
1587. I loved you, man.
Copy !req
1588. - I can't believe this.
- Vanessa, let me explain...
Copy !req
1589. Explain?
Copy !req
1590. Explain why you're putting me through...
Copy !req
1591. the most embarrassing moment
of my life?
Copy !req
1592. Well, what if I did
something embarrassing to myself?
Copy !req
1593. Would that make you feel better?
Copy !req
1594. There's nothing you can do
that would be this embarrassing.
Copy !req
1595. I fear that I will always be
A lonely number like root three
Copy !req
1596. A three is all that's good and right
Copy !req
1597. Why must my three keep out of sight
Beneath a vicious square-root sign?
Copy !req
1598. I wish instead I were a nine
Copy !req
1599. For nine could thwart this evil trick
With just some quick arithmetic
Copy !req
1600. I know I'll never see the sun
Copy !req
1601. As 1.7321
Copy !req
1602. You fucking tool.
Copy !req
1603. Quiet, anus.
Copy !req
1604. Such is my reality
A sad irrationality
Copy !req
1605. When, hark, just what is this I see?
Copy !req
1606. Another square root of a three
Copy !req
1607. Has quietly come waltzing by
Copy !req
1608. Together now we multiply
Copy !req
1609. To form a number we prefer
Copy !req
1610. Rejoicing as an integer
Copy !req
1611. We break free from our mortal bonds
Copy !req
1612. And with a wave of magic wands
Copy !req
1613. Our square-root signs become unglued
Copy !req
1614. And love for me has been renewed
Copy !req
1615. You were right.
Copy !req
1616. - That was pretty lame.
- Told you.
Copy !req
1617. Look, I can't promise you
the kind of lifestyle that Colton could.
Copy !req
1618. And I can't promise you
that I'm gonna mature overnight.
Copy !req
1619. But what I can promise you is that...
Copy !req
1620. Sorry, I smoked weed
with the President.
Copy !req
1621. I totally forgot
what I was going to say.
Copy !req
1622. I can promise you
that I will always love you.
Copy !req
1623. And I'll never try and make you
into something that you're not.
Copy !req
1624. So, what do you say
you take a brother back?
Copy !req
1625. Only if you promise to get me
out of this awkward situation...
Copy !req
1626. as soon as possible.
Copy !req
1627. Come here.
Copy !req
1628. Yeah!
Copy !req
1629. That's my boy!
Copy !req
1630. Ku!
Copy !req
1631. Come on.
Let's get the hell back to Jersey.
Copy !req
1632. All right, hold on. First we gotta
do something for my buddy here.
Copy !req
1633. - Got to go somewhere.
- Where?
Copy !req
1634. - Hey.
- Hey.
Copy !req
1635. - No luck, huh?
- No.
Copy !req
1636. Called every hotel in the city.
I walked all around.
Copy !req
1637. I just can't find her anywhere.
Copy !req
1638. - We'll find her.
- We'll find her, dude.
Copy !req
1639. What?
Copy !req
1640. Oh, my God, there she is.
Copy !req
1641. - Roldy, she's hot.
- Dude, go get her!
Copy !req
1642. Jesus, I'm sorry, man.
Copy !req
1643. - So fuck it. Forget about that.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1644. It's probably
just some Amsterdam fling, all right?
Copy !req
1645. We'll go back to the Jerz...
Copy !req
1646. - in a couple of days, all right?
- No.
Copy !req
1647. No, fuck it.
Copy !req
1648. I came way too far.
Copy !req
1649. We went through too much shit to...
Copy !req
1650. I'm gonna talk to her.
Copy !req
1651. No, no, no, dude, don't go in there.
Copy !req
1652. - Come on.
- Just wait.
Copy !req
1653. Come on, man.
Wait till we get back to Jersey.
Copy !req
1654. What the fuck are you doing?
Copy !req
1655. - C'est quoi ton putain de prob/ème, toi?
- Harold!
Copy !req
1656. I didn't understand what you said.
Copy !req
1657. - What the fuck are you doing?
- What the fuck are you doing, man?
Copy !req
1658. - You're ruining my shot.
- You what?
Copy !req
1659. Get off my set!
Copy !req
1660. I'm so confused. What's...
Copy !req
1661. - What's going on?
- Harold, I'm doing a photo shoot.
Copy !req
1662. For High Times magazine.
Copy !req
1663. Of course, you're a model.
You're very hot. You're a model.
Copy !req
1664. Right. I always wondered
what you did for a living.
Copy !req
1665. I'm sorry. So, wait a second.
So you're not with this dude?
Copy !req
1666. Are you kidding? Me?
Copy !req
1667. - Yeah.
- No.
Copy !req
1668. Anton is like totally gay.
Copy !req
1669. Harold, what are you doing here?
Copy !req
1670. I didn't want to wait ten days
to see you...
Copy !req
1671. so I thought
I would come and surprise you.
Copy !req
1672. That is so sweet.
Copy !req
1673. OK. It's sweet.
Copy !req
1674. I've been thinking about you
this whole time.
Copy !req
1675. - You have?
- I have.
Copy !req
1676. - I missed you so much.
- I missed you.
Copy !req
1677. Fuck yeah, dude.
Copy !req
1678. Bang bang, Roldy.
Copy !req
1679. Hello, Maria. My name is Kumar.
Copy !req
1680. - I've heard so much about you.
- Hi.
Copy !req
1681. This is Vanessa. Vanessa, Maria.
Copy !req
1682. - Hey.
- Hey. How you doing?
Copy !req
1683. Ladies and Roldy, how would you
like to get really fucking high...
Copy !req
1684. since we're in Amsterdam?
Copy !req
1685. - Yeah.
- Shall we?
Copy !req
1686. - Sounds like a plan.
- Let's do it.
Copy !req
1687. Motherfucker!
Copy !req