Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay (2008)

1. Yes, dude!

2. What the fuck? What the fuck? What are you doing?

3. I'm taking the most incredible dump of all time, man.

4. You couldn't wait till I got out of the shower?

5. May I remind you that we both just ate 30 burgers...

6. and four large orders of fries?

7. Don't worry, in a little bit, I'm sure it'll hit you too.

8. It may be. But I'm gonna wait till you get out of the shower.

9. Well, don't wait too long. We've got to leave for the airport in an hour.

10. Ooh, that burns.

11. - An hour? - Hey, and, Roldy?

12. Yeah?

13. Nice pubes.

14. Asshole, get out of here right now.

15. - Wipe and leave. Wipe and leave now! - Dude, this thing is huge!

16. I think it still has cheese on it.

17. Dude. Oh, my Go... I just realized something.

18. What?

19. Maria's gonna think I'm a stalker, man. I'm following her to Amsterdam.

20. Dude, relax. I have a med school interview in ten minutes.

21. You don't see me freaking out.

22. Don't worry, man, she'll be psyched to see you.

23. Oh, psyched? You think she's gonna be psyched?

24. Totes, dude. Why wouldn't she be?

25. So how does this work?

26. We just... we show up in Amsterdam and we start calling hotels...

27. and ask if they have a Maria staying there?

28. - I don't even know her last name. - Dude, it's totally cool.

29. We're definitely gonna find her.

30. Amsterdam is a very small place. It's not gonna be...

31. Sir, I need you to step aside, please. Let me search you.

32. - Did I beep? - No, you didn't beep.

33. Just a random security check.

34. If you could just step aside, please? Just over here.

35. - Random, huh? - Yeah.

36. So this has nothing to do with my ethnicity?

37. Kumar, just do what the guy says.

38. Sir, it's our job as airport security...

39. to search for all possible weapons or illegal drugs.

40. So just because of the color of my skin, you assume that I have drugs on me?

41. - No, he's... - What are you, a racist?

42. Racist? Dude, I'm black.

43. He's black. He's not a racist.

44. Please, dude, you're barely even brown.

45. No, he didn't mean that.

46. Compared to me, you look like Matthew Perry.

47. Hey, who you calling Matthew Perry, bitch?

48. I'm calling you Matthew Perry, you Matthew Perry-looking bitch!

49. No, there's nobody here who is Matthew Perry. No one!

50. What is going on here?

51. Sir, Matthew Perry over here thinks that I have illegal narcotics on me...

52. because I'm a minority.

53. This is textbook racial profiling...

54. and I'd be more than happy to call the ACLU or the government...

55. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Sorry for the inconvenience, sir.

56. - You can move along. - I appreciate it. Thanks, Matt Perry.

57. Hey, what are you doing?

58. What do you mean, what am I doing? He called me Matthew Perry.

59. Well, you look like Matthew Perry.

60. - He's white! - So what?

61. Why does everything have to become a huge argument with you, man?

62. 'Cause this is America, dude...

63. and as long as I have my freedom of speech, no one's gonna shut me up.

64. Kumar?

65. Roldy?

66. - Vanessa. - Oh, my God!

67. - Good to see you. - So good to see you. I...

68. - Hi. Hey. - Hey.

69. Hey.

70. God, it's been forever. What are you guys doing?

71. We're actually on our way to Amsterdam.

72. - Amsterdam? - Yeah.

73. Well, you guys haven't changed.

74. You have. You look amazing. Your hair is diff...

75. - Doesn't she look amazing? - Yeah.

76. Yeah, you look great. You look awesome. Sorry.

77. What am I even saying? You look different and...

78. - Kumar Patel, you're flustered. - Little bit.

79. So, what's up with you? You still dating the Abercrombie-wearing douchebag?

80. Actually, it's Brooks Brothers.

81. Colton! How are you, buddy?

82. - Good to see ya. - Good to see you.

83. And we're not dating anymore.

84. No. We... are getting married.

85. Congratulations, you guys.

86. - You're fucking getting married? - Yeah.

87. - When? - Next week.

88. It's going to be a perfect day.

89. I mean, that's assuming we get those Stargazer lilies for the bouquets.

90. This florist has been a complete nightmare.

91. Fucking assholes.

92. Colton's practically planning the whole wedding all by himself.

93. So, Rold, Brewster Keegan letting you off the leash for a little vay-cay?

94. I own that place now, Colton.

95. Thank you so much for the hook-up.

96. Hey, I ran into Todd, at Whitaker's, of course.

97. He told me you got a job working for the government.

98. Yeah! Yeah, President Bush and my dad were in the same fraternity.

99. - Oh, that's right. - Oh, Jesus.

100. Yeah, yeah, when he gave my dad that appointment at the Defense Department...

101. - I became his right-hand man. - Douche.

102. The President's supposed to be at our wedding...

103. - but you know how busy he is. - Yeah.

104. Sounds like an incredible job, man.

105. Hey, you really got some major connections to the top.

106. If you ever need anything, I'm your man.

107. - Thank you so much, buddy. - Anytime.

108. This guy's the best.

109. - So, sweetheart, we should get going. - Yes.

110. - Good to see you guys again. - Congratulations again.

111. - Thank you. Take care, thank you. - It's so nice.

112. - Bye. - Bye.

113. Dude, I can't believe they're getting married.

114. We've only been broken up two years.

115. Plus that dude has date-rape face.

116. I don't even know what that is.

117. One who possesses the face of a date rapist.

118. Right. Listen...

119. I'm sorry, bro.

120. But we are going to Amsterdam. Come on.

121. This is true. This is true, Roldy.

122. - Man, this is so not like me. - Yeah.

123. It's like I'm a whole new Harold. Better, faster, stronger.

124. Nice.

125. Man, I've never used a sick day before.

126. I'm taking a whole week off from work here, man.

127. And in less than eight hours, we're gonna be in Amsterdam.

128. - This is nuts. This is nuts. - I know, dude.

129. It's gonna be exactly like Euro Trip, only it's not gonna suck.

130. - It's gonna be awesome. - It's not not gonna be awesome.

131. Dude. Dude, this chick's giving me such a boner, it's awesome.

132. Thank you. You ruined the moment.

133. She's all yours, buddy.

134. - You wanna pause it? - I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

135. No, that's...

136. Enjoy.

137. Just a minute.

138. Fuc...

139. Hey, hey.

140. Let me in.

141. What are you doing? I'm taking a piss, asshole!

142. - Yeah. - Yo!

143. I'm not joining the mile-high club with you.

144. What about the really high club?

145. - Are you retarded? - No.

146. You brought weed on the fucking airplane?

147. - Yep. - What the fuck?

148. Wait a second. You were giving that security guard shit.

149. Yeah. How else was I supposed to get past him?

150. By not bringing drugs on an airplane?

151. - Look... What are you doing? What is this? - You'll see.

152. Harold Lee, I would like to introduce you to an invention of mine.

153. Meet the smokeless bong.

154. - You made this? - You know, I did.

155. When you were slaving away at work...

156. I was actually being a productive member of society.

157. - Yeah, that's really productive. - Let me show you how it works.

158. So you take a little weed...

159. put it in the bowl right here and light it just like a normal bong, OK?

160. Now here's the truly genius part.

161. Inside this mechanism, I have actually made a little tiny, tiny fan...

162. and some disinfectant powder, OK, it works sort of like a deodorizer...

163. so that anything it expunges smells like Lysol.

164. - Put it away. - No, dude.

165. Can you not wait till we get to Amsterdam?

166. It's the weed capital of the world!

167. - No. - Put the bong away!

168. - Take the inaugural hit, dude. - No!

169. Come on, man.

170. - Then I'm gonna do it. - Put it away. Put the frickin' bong away.

171. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Turb...

172. Terrorist!

173. Roldy?

174. - What the fuck is that thing in his hands? - No, ma'am, not a terrorist.

175. - He's just an idiot. - This is just a bong.

176. He said he got a bomb!

177. No, people, it's a water pipe for tobacco.

178. No, no, no, it's not a bomb. It's just a bong.

179. Poison gas!

180. It's marijuana! Marijuana!

181. You picked the wrong plane, you terrorist fuck!

182. Hey! Hey, what are you doing?

183. There are three air marshals on board. Three!

184. We are not terrorists! Sir, that's a bong, not a bomb.

185. Shut up!

186. I got this one!

187. - Roldy? - Please don't!

188. I am in a great amount of pain!

189. Everybody relax. Just calm down. Everything is under control.

190. Tell 'em to turn the plane around. These two assholes are goin' back to the U.S.

191. Secretary Fox. Glad you could make it.

192. Think I'd miss a terrorist attack of this magnitude?

193. Not a fuckin' chance.

194. Who are these people?

195. Representatives of the different intelligence agencies.

196. I assume Secretary Whitmore's coming?

197. Negative. He's on an ice fishing trip in Glacier Bay.

198. I'm in charge while he's gone.

199. Well, shouldn't he be alerted?

200. Isn't this issue of more importance than an ice fishing trip?

201. Who are you again?

202. Dr. John Beecher, Vice Chairman of the NSA.

203. Yeah, well, listen, Dr... Dipshit.

204. You've obviously never been ice fishing before.

205. - No, I haven't. - Yeah, well, it's fucking exhilarating.

206. The last thing anyone would want while fishing for pike is to be interrupted.

207. Now back off...

208. and let me do my job.

209. What's up with the guy with the weird eyes?

210. He handicapped or something?

211. We believe he's of Korean descent.

212. My God.

213. North Korea and al-Qaeda workin' together.

214. This is bigger than I thought.

215. You couldn't wait?

216. You couldn't fucking wait?

217. We were about to have all the legal weed we wanted.

218. You know, in Amsterdam, where we were going!

219. Thought you could get away with this, huh?

220. You thought that after 9/11 our national security was a joke, huh?

221. Well...

222. guess what?

223. What?

224. We knew you fuckers would be back.

225. - Holy shit! - But we're Americans, man.

226. - We love America. We love America! - Very much.

227. That's a convenient thing to say...

228. after you try and blow up a plane filled with Americans!

229. - No. - No, we didn't do...

230. No, you see, you have the wrong idea.

231. My idiot friend here brought marijuana...

232. - on the plane. - Yeah, hey, hey, hey, hey.

233. Zip it, Hello Kitty. OK? I know your operation's funded through drugs.

234. No. This is typical government bullshit, sir. I...

235. - Hey, hey, hey. Shut up. Shut up! - I...

236. - No, I'm trying to explain it! Harold! - Shut up, shut up, shut up! Shut up!

237. Do we have the right to make a phone call?

238. Yeah. Yeah!

239. I'm sorry. You want rights now.

240. You want freedoms right now.

241. Is it time? Is it freedom o'clock?

242. - Guess what. - What?

243. Where you guys are going, they have never even heard of rights.

244. Well, where are we going?

245. We're innocent men! We're innocent men!

246. I'm an innocent man.

247. I donate blood.

248. And toys for tots.

249. And now I'm in Guantànamo Bay.

250. See why I'm against paying taxes?

251. Hey! Hey.

252. Fuck you!

253. Dude, calm down, OK?

254. Look on the bright side. There's a sink. There's a toilet.

255. The pillow actually looks pretty comfortable.

256. OK. You don't speak to me, ever.

257. - Ever. - OK.

258. - No! Shut up! - OK.

259. So what are you guys in here for?

260. For giving the United States a taste of their own medicine.

261. - You guys are real terrorists? - Some call us terrorists.

262. Others call us heroes.

263. Screw that. You think you guys are heroes for killing innocent people?

264. It's 'cause of assholes like you that we're even in this fucking place...

265. you fucking cowards!

266. Well, maybe if the people in your country stopped eating donuts...

267. and started realizing what your government is doing to the world...

268. assholes like us wouldn't exist.

269. - Fuck you! Donuts are awesome! - They're delicious.

270. You like donuts?

271. Well, wait till you see what they make you eat in here.

272. - Yeah? - What do they make you eat in here?

273. I...

274. Ever hear of a cockmeat sandwich?

275. What's a cockmeat sandwich?

276. You're about to find out.

277. Right about now. Sucker.

278. All right, cockmeat sandwich time. You know the drill.

279. What about them? They just got here!

280. Big Bob's taking care of them.

281. - Big Bob. - Big Bob?

282. I hope you like donuts.

283. Let's go to work. Hey, listen, guys, enjoy.

284. Holy shit.

285. Oh, yeah, that's it.

286. - This is not good. - No, Kumar, it is not good.

287. - I've never had to suck a dick before. - Me neither.

288. I bet it sucks dick.

289. Shit, dude.

290. Please don't let it be Big Bob. Please don't let it be Big Bob.

291. Please don't let it be Big Bob. Come on.

292. Please don't let it be Big Bob. Please don't let it be Big Bob.

293. Please don't let it be Big Bob.

294. - Please don't let it be Big Bob. - I'm Big Bob.

295. - Fuck. - Yes, you are.

296. You boys ready for your cockmeat sandwich?

297. No?

298. Well, you better get hungry real fast...

299. 'cause I got a whole lot of sandwich waitin' for ya.

300. Holy shit!

301. - All right, let's get goin'. - Hold on, hold on, hold on, Big Bob...

302. I got to ask you a question before this all goes down.

303. - All the guards in Guantànamo are gay? - Fuck, no!

304. Ain't nothing gay about getting your dick sucked!

305. You're the ones that's gay for suckin' my dick!

306. - What? - In fact...

307. creeps me out just bein' around you fags.

308. - But... - All right.

309. - Wait... - Get down on your knees...

310. - and open your mouths. - Please, Big Bob.

311. Why don't you just kick our ass instead?

312. - Get on your fucking knees! - All right. All right.

313. - All right, all right, all right, all right. - You go first, dude.

314. Hope you boys like extra mayo.

315. - Jesus, Kumar. - Oh, I hate you so much!

316. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

317. God, his dick smells like shit, dude.

318. Holy shit!

319. - What the hell happened? - That terrorist fuck bit my dick!

320. - Come on. - Wait, wait, wait, wait a second!

321. Should we? What if they kill us out there?

322. They're gonna fucking make us suck their dicks if we don't.

323. We're gonna die in here. Come on.

324. - Fuck. Fuck. - Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

325. - Shit. Shit. - Fuck. Fuck.

326. - Oh, shit! Get out! - Fuck!

327. Oh, shit. Shit.

328. Door, door.

329. Look, look, look.

330. What the fuck is he doing?

331. We've got to go now, now, now, now, now!

332. It smells like burnt asshole.

333. I can't fucking believe this.

334. Fuck!

335. My wrist is swelling, man!

336. - Shut up. - We're gonna die in a jungle!

337. - Shut up! - Fuck!

338. Watch out for cheetahs! This is cheetah turf.

339. - What? - OK. Fuck.

340. We hit ocean. What do we do now?

341. All right.

342. Hey, look, look!

343. Excuse me.

344. You guys going to America?

345. Sì, vamos.

346. Yes, we're going.

347. Thank you.

348. - Es mìo. - Vamos, vamos.

349. I'm telling you, Jorge...

350. the first thing you have to do when you get to America...

351. buy a device called TiVo, OK?

352. Freedom means nothing if you're a slave to regular programming...

353. I promise you that.

354. And now, how about you focus?

355. We gotta figure out what to do when we get to the States.

356. We don't have wallets. We don't have any ID. We've got nothing.

357. Well, I figure we're gonna land somewhere around Miami, right?

358. There's only one guy we know who lives down there.

359. - Who do we know that... Raza. - Yeah.

360. We gotta go see Raza.

361. - Adiòs. - Hasta /uego.

362. - Thanks again. - What nice people.

363. Man, South Florida here we are.

364. OK. So, now how do we get to Raza's?

365. The professional way. We walk. Let's go.

366. - Walk? - Yeah.

367. So I guess Raza's...

368. - We'll find it, we'll find it. - ... thataway. Yeah.

369. - Wow, Raza's place is pretty sweet. - Kinda ghetto for Miami.

370. - Hi. - Hey.

371. Y'all aren't here to complain about the noise, are you?

372. No. We're not... here to complain about the noise.

373. We're...

374. We are here to see...

375. - What is his name? We're here... - Vagina.

376. No, we're here to see Raza.

377. OK. Follow me.

378. Thank you, ma'am.

379. We'll follow... you, I guess.

380. Hey.

381. - Very patriotic of you. - Thank you.

382. - Hey, guys. - Hey.

383. - Hey, Raza! - What?

384. What's up?

385. - Kumar and Roldy? - What's up, man?

386. I haven't seen you guys since graduation.

387. What are you guys doing here?

388. Wait, what's up with the orange jumpsuits?

389. - Hey, no, no, question number one... - It's kind of a long story. I...

390. - ... what's up with this party? - What do you mean?

391. There's exposed vagina all over your house.

392. Yeah. That was my idea.

393. I don't know about you guys, I'm sick of all the hype over topless.

394. Really? I always liked toplessness. That's...

395. - That's just me. - Yeah? Well, I'm starting...

396. the bottomless trend. Hence, the bottomless party.

397. So what are you guys doing in South Beach?

398. How about you answer that question? I'm gonna go check this out.

399. - Where are you going? - Bang bang, buddy.

400. Listen. I'm really sorry to bother you with this.

401. - You all right? - Not really.

402. They were locked up for less than an hour, and they already escaped?

403. Damn it. Make sure the press doesn't get wind of this.

404. Don't need the public thinking we're some two-bit operation.

405. Got it, sir.

406. It must have been either al-Qaeda or North Korea who broke 'em up.

407. Find out if they have any relatives in the country.

408. You probably should have done that in the first place.

409. Do you have a problem with the way I'm running the show, Beecher?

410. I'm just saying that...

411. I've looked through the files on Harold Lee and Kumar Patel.

412. They were both born and raised in New Jersey.

413. Other than a couple of traffic tickets, they're clean.

414. Right. That's why they just broke out of prison.

415. But they... It's not even clear that they should have been there in the first place.

416. Shut your...

417. You see this cute, little white girl, Beecher?

418. Yeah.

419. Do you want her to get raped and murdered?

420. Of course not.

421. You sure? 'Cause this is America.

422. - Do you want to rape America? - No.

423. Then stop fucking with me.

424. This is serious.

425. She's adorable.

426. So you guys are fucking fugitives?

427. It's just it's Kumar's fault.

428. If we get out of this...

429. the chances of us remaining friends is highly...

430. highly... boobies. Yeah.

431. Hey, what do you think you're doing?

432. Put that back on. And keep it on.

433. - Sorry. - Fuckin' party do you think this is?

434. Yo. What are you guys talking about?

435. Roldy was just letting me in on your situation.

436. - Yeah? - Thanks for getting me involved.

437. What about that fuckin' time we had to cover for you...

438. lie to your ex-girlfriend about how you got crabs?

439. You owe us, man.

440. - Yeah, that's right. - What?

441. - OK, that was a long time ago. - I love crabs.

442. Speaking of ex-girlfriends...

443. isn't yours getting married or something?

444. How does everybody know about this except for me?

445. Wait.

446. Colton! Colton Graham can help us out.

447. - No! Fuck that! - Yes!

448. No doubt. If anyone could clear your names, it's him.

449. No, I'm sorry. That dickweed is not helping us.

450. Wait a second. Do you have his contact info?

451. Not anymore. But the wedding is at his family's estate in Hewitt, Texas.

452. But you don't want to bother them when they're doing their whole...

453. wedding thing, right?

454. You know, that actually might be our only hope.

455. Fuck! How do we get there? We can't go to the airport. They're looking for us.

456. - I'll loan you one of my cars. - Really?

457. But first... y'all got to get in the spirit of the party.

458. - What do you mean, spirit of... - What do you think I mean?

459. - What about you? - Me? I've been in the spirit.

460. - Oh, God! - Oh, my God, dude!

461. Oh, my God!

462. - Love your dickdo, Raza. - Yeah. Drink it in.

463. - What the fuck? - That looks like Osama bin Laden's beard.

464. I know, right? All right, boys.

465. Your turn. Let 'em dangle.

466. - Let's just do it. - Bring it.

467. Count of three?

468. One.

469. Two, three.

470. Your cocks are awesome, man!

471. That's not even necessary.

472. - Would you please... - Oh, my dick!

473. - This car is frickin' sweet. - Yeah, yeah, it's sweet.

474. 'Cause we're fugitives.

475. Driving a yellow convertible with the top down, dressed like assholes!

476. Yo. Yo. Yo, look, he has one of these things.

477. - Would you put that down? - No, you can hook up to the Internet.

478. You can play Mike Tyson's Punch-Out/ on it. King Hippo's going down.

479. Put that away. Put that away.

480. I can't believe you can even think about playing games at a time like this, man.

481. You realize what would happen if our parents found out about this?

482. You have sent our sons to Guantànamo Bay?

483. This is an outrage!

484. You Arabs think you can just mix in with our peaceful society...

485. and we're not gonna find you, huh?

486. I am not Arab! I am Indian!

487. Look, Chief. I'm not here to argue seblantics with you, OK?

488. I'm here to save lives.

489. Ask the Lees what they know about their son's terrorist activity.

490. Look, we have been American citizens for over 40 years.

491. Now, frankly, I find this very offensive.

492. They're using some sort of dialect I've never heard before.

493. But I'm pretty sure he said something about going on the offensive.

494. Tell them we know what their son is up to...

495. and if they don't cooperate, he could be sentenced to death.

496. Hit 'em. Yeah.

497. We know what he said!

498. Sir, Harold and Kumar are good boys.

499. I'm a pretty good translator.

500. It's total gibberish.

501. They may be trying to stonewall us.

502. Are you sure you speak Korean, Jack?

503. You speak Korean?

504. You're not fucking with Daddy, are you?

505. Do you have a masters in romantic Korean literature?

506. Because I do...

507. and I'm offended.

508. Good enough for me.

509. Look, excuse me...

510. we're not looking to hurt your sons...

511. we just wanna know where they are.

512. Do you know if they know anybody in Florida?

513. Their friend Raza Syed lives in Miami.

514. But why would they be there?

515. He's supposed to be in medical school.

516. They are supposed to be in prison! That is where terrorists belong!

517. These fuckers are goin' down.

518. Dead. Or alive.

519. Tell them that in your fake ching-chong language.

520. Shut up! You're an idiot.

521. I don't know what you're saying, buddy...

522. but fuck you.

523. - Fuck me? - Will you let him talk to you like that?

524. - Listen, no, sit down. - Fuck me?

525. Hey, look, man, we're in Alabama.

526. Wow, we actually get a first-hand look at the South, huh?

527. Hey, this wasn't supposed to be a trip through the South, OK?

528. This was supposed to be the most romantic week of my life.

529. Remember that? Before you fucked it up? You remember that?

530. Just chill, OK? We'll be out of this situation.

531. You'll be up in Maria's guts in no time, all right?

532. Hey. She's not some skank, man.

533. I've never felt this way about anyone before, really.

534. What the fuck? Why am I talking to you about this?

535. It's not like you would understand, so...

536. Excuse me, please. Will you turn that off? This is a library.

537. What a fucking chode.

538. Thank you, come again!

539. - What the fuck? - Oh, my God.

540. You know, the whole reason people come to the stacks...

541. is for some peace and...

542. quiet.

543. Look, I know, I'm sorry. I hate it when people disturb me here too.

544. It's just this fucking calculus final is killing me.

545. - Do you mind if I take a look? - No.

546. - You're actually very close. May I? - Yeah.

547. Excuse me.

548. I touched your breast.

549. - It's OK. - Sorry.

550. You just go...

551. Wow. You're good at this.

552. Thanks.

553. What did you, like, take calculus in high school or something?

554. Actually, my dad taught it to me in sixth grade.

555. What, are you like Doogie Howser?

556. No. Although that would be incredible. He's my hero.

557. I love that show.

558. What are you working on there?

559. This is just a poem for my creative writing class.

560. It's like...

561. - "The Square Root Of Three"? - No, no, I'm sorry...

562. - "A poem of love by Kumar Patel." - I need this.

563. - Hey, let me read it. - No, no.

564. - Why? - Because it's lame.

565. Then read it to me.

566. There's no way I'm letting you see me in that light. Good luck with your calculus.

567. Come on, don't be embarrassed. You know, a lot of girls find intelligence sexy.

568. Look, I'm not even gonna be showing this to my professor, all right?

569. That's why I'm so stressed out right now.

570. Stressed out, huh?

571. Come with me.

572. - ... going? - Come on.

573. What?

574. You're smoking drugs in the library? What if somebody catches us?

575. Don't worry. It'll help you relax.

576. Oh, boy.

577. It's illegal.

578. Here.

579. This is poison.

580. Let me help you.

581. I'm Kumar.

582. Vanessa.

583. You're still not reading that poem.

584. Kumar.

585. Kumar.

586. Kumar. Kumar.

587. - Kumar. - Yeah.

588. What's going on? We're in Birmingham, Alabama. Are we supposed to be here?

589. What's going on?

590. - Why did you bring us here, dude? - What do you mean, why did I...

591. You were supposed to be following the directions, asshole. What do you mean?

592. There's got to be like a highway or something, right?

593. Yeah, there's got to be a highway.

594. What's going on up there?

595. What the hell is this?

596. - I'm turning around. - Nah, just go through, man.

597. Dude, we're not driving through this basketball game.

598. You know, Roldy, I really thought you were bigger than this.

599. Dude, I'm not scared 'cause they're black.

600. I'm scared because they're scary.

601. And it's not like we got Gregory Hines out there.

602. They're not that scary.

603. It's my ball!

604. Turn around.

605. - Fuck! It won't move! - Shit, dude.

606. - That's not good. - Now there's no music, man.

607. Shit, man.

608. - Motherfucker! - My Jordans, nigga!

609. - Shit, this isn't good. - This is not good. This is not good.

610. No. No. No.

611. They're coming over here.

612. - Fucking shit. Why did you do that? - Yeah, I hit a fire hydrant on purpose.

613. They're getting weapons, man.

614. All right, what do we do? What do we do?

615. Run, run, run. Run, run.

616. Yo. Yo.

617. - Where y'all going? Damn! - We was just trying to help.

618. Man, somebody call the police. We need to report this.

619. - Yeah, that's right. You like the ride? - Fuck you, man.

620. They abandoned it last night. It's registered to a Raza Syed.

621. The witnesses' description of the driver and passenger...

622. match that of Lee and Patel.

623. We tried bringing in Syed last night, but he's already left the country.

624. Well, they know we're closing in on 'em, that's why.

625. OK. No, I'll give you a call. All right.

626. No, no, no, no!

627. - Holy shit! - Easy, easy!

628. - Easy. - Easy!

629. This is our witness.

630. Put it down! Yo, put it down!

631. You all know I got one!

632. I got one too!

633. So, you saw the fugitives, huh?

634. Yeah. It was like I was telling the Sheriff...

635. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How do I know you're telling the truth?

636. I don't have a reason to lie to you, man.

637. Really?

638. - Get up in your face, man. - We'll see.

639. That ain't right.

640. Where's he going?

641. What's going on?

642. Hell no!

643. Now why don't you tell me what really happened?

644. Is that grape soda?

645. What the fuck, yo?

646. - All right. - Hold on, hold on, hold on!

647. This is so ignorant.

648. - Really? - Yes.

649. Is this ignorant?

650. Yo, that's racist, man. That's racist.

651. Hey, Jon, are you gonna let him do that?

652. See if he got Kool-Aid.

653. Almost gone, witness.

654. Sure there's not something you wanna tell me?

655. I'm not stoppin' until you crack!

656. I already told you that they took off runnin'!

657. All right, all right, all right.

658. This isn't necessary! Mr. White is telling you the truth!

659. Yeah, and how can you be so sure, Beecher?

660. 'Cause he doesn't have a police record. He's an orthodontist, for Christ's sake.

661. OK, then, Beech. How do you propose we find the terrorists, huh?

662. There was a Nokia 7710 taken from the console.

663. We have its tracking numbers.

664. Our satellites are running a trace on it, as we speak.

665. I'm serious about that Kool-Aid.

666. What's going on? Where are you?

667. Dude, that is a fucking long story.

668. We're actually in Alabama right now, heading to Texas.

669. What is that sound? Are you jerking off again? What are you doing?

670. I'm taking a glorious pee-pee.

671. Hey, listen, you're not gonna believe this...

672. but the other night, I ended up at that Asian party...

673. and I schtupped Cindy Kim.

674. Shut the fuck up. Are you serious?

675. Yeah, man, she even gave me a blumpkin.

676. What is a blumpkin?

677. It's when a girl gives you head while you're sitting on the toilet takin' a shit.

678. Really?

679. - Hello? - Hey. Hey! What are you doing?

680. Hello? Come, come?

681. Did you go?

682. Yeah, I'm done.

683. You said to me we were gonna cross swords. You promised.

684. I'm sorry, sweetheart.

685. Are you talking on a cellphone when the government is looking for us?

686. Dude, it was just Goldstein. I had something important to tell him.

687. It's 'cause you had something... That's good, that's OK.

688. Nothing is more important than finding a way to get to Texas.

689. - Do you get it? - Yes.

690. We've been walking an entire day and we have not seen a street sign.

691. Do you get it?

692. - Can I say... - Again. This is... I can't.

693. Dude, honestly...

694. you've got to be a little more positive about these things, all right?

695. - Yeah? - Positive about what? I don't...

696. First of all, look at this beautiful Alabama landscape, OK?

697. You don't get shit like this in New Jersey.

698. God, you...

699. Hey, look, dude.

700. It's a baby deer.

701. - Wow. Man. - Shit.

702. Hey. Hey.

703. Look how cute this deer is, dude. Not like those asshole deer in New Jersey.

704. I know, man.

705. - Hey, buddy. - Dude, Alabama's awesome.

706. He likes you.

707. - Oh, my God! - No!

708. Sorry about that. I was in my zone.

709. What the hell are y'all doing out here in them fancy clothes?

710. We were on our way to Texas and we got lost.

711. Texas?

712. You're a long way from Texas.

713. No!

714. Born in '04.

715. Get in here.

716. Yeah. The sun's about to go down.

717. - Y'all need a place to stay? Ya hungry? - Yeah, sure.

718. You want to follow me?

719. Come on.

720. Maybe we shouldn't.

721. It's already dead. You need a hand, dude?

722. My grandpappy bought this land in 1902.

723. Very nice, sir.

724. This place is gonna suck.

725. Honey, I'm home.

726. I'm in here.

727. I wish you'd-a told me you was bringing guests home.

728. I'da straightened up in here.

729. Fellas, this is my wife Raylene.

730. Raylene, meet Harold and Kumar.

731. Hello.

732. Can't shake. I've just got... deer head all over me.

733. - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you boys.

734. - You just make yourselves at home. - Thank you.

735. Honey, something's wrong with that DSL.

736. Every time I go on the online, it says, "Searching for server."

737. You try unplugging the AirPort base?

738. Yeah, I done did that but it didn't work.

739. What you need to go online fors, anyways?

740. I was gonna get one of them new portable satellite radios.

741. What the fuck you need a satellite radio for?

742. Don't you be cussin' when we got company over.

743. - Guys. - Please don't worry about us.

744. We cuss all the time.

745. Who do you think you is, hitting me?

746. Who do you think bought you that Prada bag?

747. I told you I wanted a Gucci one.

748. The Gucci bag cost more!

749. Well, Jan Sapperstein's husband sure could afford it.

750. Here we go again with Jan Sapperstein.

751. I don't give a rat's ass what that bitch got.

752. You be happy with what you have.

753. What I have is a husband who ain't worth a turd!

754. You wanna give me shit now?

755. - That's right! - After everything I let you buy!

756. Even look at the credit card bills?

757. you buy? Do you think we need another set of golf balls?

758. - Even worse is the credit card miles. - Stinky, smelly, motherf...

759. Guys, we're just gonna get out of here.

760. Nonsense. Don't be silly. You're our guests.

761. You guys have got to stay for supper.

762. - No, we couldn't. That's... - No, thank you. We really couldn't...

763. Of course, we're gonna have to get high first.

764. We're close.

765. This is news to me. I never knew farmers smoked weed.

766. You ever tried farmin' not high? It's borin' as shit.

767. You know, this is great, guys.

768. I kind of always, you know, sort of assumed...

769. that people from the South were kinda...

770. A bunch of dumb rednecks?

771. - No. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not...

772. We do try to keep our inbred son in the basement when we have company.

773. Guys, I didn't mean it like that. I was just...

774. Look at their faces!

775. Fuck, fuck!

776. Shit, they found us. They found us. They found us.

777. - What do you mean, they found you? - Listen, I'm so sorry. I am so sorry.

778. Are you boys in some kind of trouble?

779. All right. This is gonna sound crazy, but, basically...

780. we were on a plane to Amsterdam...

781. and we got mistaken for terrorists and we got sent to Guantànamo Bay...

782. and then we escaped and snuck into America with a bunch of Cubans...

783. and now we're trying to get to Texas...

784. where there's a guy who can help us out...

785. and he's getting married to Kumar's ex-girlfriend.

786. Yes.

787. OK. That's cool.

788. - I understand that. - You do?

789. Like the government's never screwed us over before. You know what?

790. Y'all come down here and hide in the basement. I will handle this.

791. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, both.

792. Thank you, thank you.

793. OK. This isn't creepy.

794. What the hell is that?

795. You're walking towards the creepy music?

796. Ge...

797. This song rocks, dude.

798. Kumar.

799. Hey, dude, there's a lighter here with a clown on it.

800. Jesus Christ, there's a fucking monster!

801. God!

802. Hey, you don't happen to have a Baby Ruth on you, do you?

803. No. Why do you need a Baby Ruth?

804. That's how Chunk won over Sloth in The Goonies.

805. This thing looks like Sloth?

806. All I saw was the creature's hand.

807. The hand looks like Sloth?

808. The fucking hand of an evil monster, dude. Like fucking claws and shit.

809. Shit.

810. Listen, no matter what, don't let the creature know that it's ugly, OK?

811. The last thing that we want to do is criticize it or make it feel different...

812. just because it was born with horrible deformities.

813. Don't worry. I got rid of 'em. It was just my neighbors.

814. - There's a fricking Cyclops... - No, you got...

815. in your basement, man! a fucking thing, dude!

816. You met Cyrus.

817. - Cyrus. - You named it?

818. Our son.

819. You must have woke him up. He was supposed to be asleep. I'm sorry.

820. I thought you were joking...

821. when you said you had an inbred son who lives in your basement.

822. Well, it ain't a joke.

823. Raylene and I here are siblings, and we get it on.

824. But that don't mean we ought to be judged.

825. You boys must be awful tired after what you've been through.

826. Come with me, I'll show you to your bed.

827. You better go back to sleep, boy!

828. Don't make me come down there and whip your Cyclops ass!

829. It's tough love.

830. It's the best way.

831. I don't know what I was thinking dating that douchebag Colton.

832. He is a douchebag. What were you thinking?

833. But it was agony pretending his puny, little penis satisfied me.

834. I bet. I bet you've been missing the thundercock too, haven't you, baby?

835. - Yeah. - Yeah?

836. Yeah, you've been missing it?

837. How much?

838. - A lot. - I bet.

839. Well...

840. - I kind of have this fantasy. - What is it?

841. I thought it'd be kinda cool to bring somebody else in bed with us.

842. Who?

843. Hey, baby.

844. - Yeah! - Yeah?

845. - Yeah. - She's hot, right?

846. Let's do it.

847. Faster, Weedy.

848. Teeth, teeth, Weedy, teeth.

849. - Weedy! - Yeah?

850. - Yeah! - You like that?

851. Putting it in the ass now, Weedy.

852. Yeah, how about that?

853. Wow.

854. Dude.

855. I just had the most fucked-up nightmare.

856. Come on, man. I was having a really hot dream.

857. Go back to bed, please, dude.

858. Why did we have to leave? Their Goonies child was kind of cute.

859. I don't care. It tried to fucking bite me.

860. Jesus, every time the two of us try to get anywhere...

861. it's fucking disaster after fucking disaster.

862. Jesus, dude. Here, you really need a hit of this.

863. Dude, I don't want a fucking hit!

864. It's your solution to everything, you know that?

865. Think about it. We should be at Colton's already.

866. Hey, chill, we still have two days to fuck up the wedding.

867. - What? - What?

868. - What? - What?

869. That's what this is all about, isn't it? You want to fuck up the wedding.

870. It's not fucking funny, Kumar. It's not fucking funny!

871. Colton is the only guy that can help us out at this point.

872. I can't believe... I cannot believe you're willing to fuck that up!

873. I just hate that fucking asshole, OK?

874. Yeah? I like him better than I like you right now.

875. - Really? - Yeah.

876. You know what he got me? A job.

877. You know what you got me? Thrown into Guantànamo Bay.

878. - Your job sucks. - Admit it.

879. You're jealous because Vanessa found somebody better than you.

880. What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

881. Better than you! Let me think.

882. Potential future president, or unemployed pothead?

883. Tough. That's tough. That's a tough one for her, isn't it?

884. Yeah, well at least Vanessa's not in Amsterdam...

885. getting plowed by a bunch of European dudes.

886. - What? - Do you really think Maria's...

887. saving herself for you, dude?

888. Right now, she's probably got two uncircumcised dicks...

889. dangling in front of her throat.

890. You know what she's gonna do with them? Down 'em into her tonsils?

891. Fucking dick.

892. - That's my hat. - That was my hat, bro.

893. Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria.

894. Asshole!

895. Don't you dare say a fucking word about my angel!

896. What the fuck was that?

897. Get up. Get up!

898. Fuck you.

899. Shit.

900. Isn't that a KKK bonfire?

901. Yeah.

902. Yeah, I think it is.

903. Maybe we should get the fuck out of here.

904. Yeah. Yeah, dude.

905. Let's do that.

906. The other day, caught a rerun of that show Becker.

907. You know that show?

908. Yeah, that's the one with that Jew, Ted Danson.

909. That blond negro they got on there, he had me in stitches.

910. He's actually pretty funny.

911. Really? You think so?

912. I'm not saying I wouldn't lynch the guy, but...

913. his timing, it's priceless.

914. Hold up a second.

915. I gotta go drain the main vein.

916. I'll tell ya, Travis...

917. when it comes to feeling good...

918. I'd rate pissin' right up there with comin' and shittin'.

919. I like to do all three.

920. Yeah, I hear ya.

921. Kenny, come on, man. Hurry the fuck up.

922. You were the one who made me drink that third beer.

923. Hold your horses, peckerwood.

924. Gross! You fucking pissed on me!

925. - You racist fuck! - What the heck?

926. What the nigger was that?

927. This is fucked. We are fucked.

928. Kenny. Travis.

929. What in the tarnation you guys doin'?

930. Good, you brought the keg. Lug that thing over.

931. - Let's go! Come on! - Come on!

932. Let's go, come on!

933. Yeah, then you put little onions on 'em and you steam 'em, they're awesome.

934. Roldy, dude, I'd never thought I'd say this in a million years...

935. but the Klan really knows how to party.

936. You gotta try these dogs.

937. - Really? - Oh, yeah.

938. Really know how to... the Klan knows how to party?

939. - Dude, we've got to get out of here! - Jeez, all right, dude, relax.

940. All right, y'all! Come on over here and we'll sit around the campfire.

941. - Shit, what do we do? - Let's go sit down.

942. Rufus. Next to them marshmallows...

943. - and the graham crackers. - Everybody sit down.

944. Best s'mores we've had in a long time...

945. that's what I'm talking about, that's what I'm talking about.

946. Now. Now I want each one of y'all to tell me...

947. somethin'... Porch monkey, kike!

948. that you did to a minority this week. Yeah.

949. I tripped a beaner while I was walking down the stairs...

950. at the Wal-Mart the other day.

951. Guy crashed into a bunch of wine bottles.

952. They made him pay for 'em! Yeah!

953. All right, all right, let's all calm down.

954. White power here, white power here, white power here.

955. Giving him what he deserves.

956. Hebe!

957. All right, I'm back. Next.

958. It better be good. Here.

959. Come on, dude, say something.

960. You know what?

961. I did knee an Indian guy in the balls.

962. That's funny!

963. Yeah, send them Indians back to Africa.

964. Well, you want to hear something real fucked-up and awesome that I did?

965. I took a Korean guy's toothbrush and I rubbed it all over my dick.

966. - You did that? - Well, that's just downright disgustin'.

967. - But I like it! - Yeah!

968. Yeah, I love bein' white.

969. - What the... - Look what we got us here, brothers.

970. Mexicans!

971. Lynch 'em!

972. Come on, come on! Come on!

973. Come on, boys, let's chase them back to the border!

974. Pussy fart!

975. Holy shit!

976. Should we put it out or what?

977. Are they still behind us?

978. I don't think so. Dude, the Klan is fucking slow.

979. Hey, flag down this car.

980. Help! Help! Help!

981. - Thank you. - Thank you.

982. Thanks for stopping.

983. No problem.

984. Neil?

985. Gary and Kumar!

986. - Yeah. - Yeah.

987. Harold. Harold.

988. Sorry, man. I forgot.

989. What are you doing here, man?

990. This is where God took me. What are you guys doing out here?

991. We're actually trying to get to Texas.

992. That's where I'm headed!

993. What are the odds?

994. Let's get out of here.

995. - All right. - Thank you.

996. Shrooms?

997. - No. Thanks, though. - No, thank you.

998. Suit yourself.

999. Gentlemen, start your engines.

1000. It's gonna be a bumpy fuckin' ride.

1001. We found their phone.

1002. Lee and Patel made a phone call to you.

1003. Now tell us everything you know about their terrorist plot.

1004. Terrorist plot? Rold and Kumar?

1005. This is ridiculous.

1006. OK, fine. Fine.

1007. Mr. Rosenberg.

1008. Mr. Gold-stein.

1009. We'll do it your way.

1010. What's this? What do we have here?

1011. It's about seven dollars?

1012. Look, don't insult us, all right?

1013. I don't know what the hell is going on here...

1014. but I'm pleading the Fifth until I speak to my lawyer.

1015. You're pleading the Fifth, huh?

1016. Beecher, give me a copy of the Bill of Rights.

1017. The Bill of Rights? Why?

1018. Just do it!

1019. Excuse me.

1020. Five, right?

1021. - Five alive. - Sure.

1022. OK. OK. Good.

1023. You wanna know what I think about the Fifth Amendment?

1024. There it is.

1025. That's what I think of the Fifth Amendment.

1026. Why the hell is your ass so dirty? Don't you wipe?

1027. Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to, buddy.

1028. What do ya got?

1029. Turns out the FBI was already tapping Mr. Goldstein's phone.

1030. - We got what we need. - Wait a second.

1031. You were tapping my phone?

1032. You want to hear the tape?

1033. No. I'm sick of listening to this dirt farmer. What's the upshot?

1034. Lee and Patel are on their way to Texas as we speak.

1035. I knew they'd trip up.

1036. Ready the plane. These fuckers are goin' down.

1037. Neil, can you just focus on driving? You've had... Focus on the road.

1038. You've had dozens of shrooms, my friend.

1039. Dude, I was able to perform an appendectomy at age 14.

1040. I think I can handle a couple mushrooms.

1041. - Wasn't that just a TV show? - Jesus Christ!

1042. Did you see that unicorn?

1043. Its horn was so shiny.

1044. So, why are you guys headed to Texas?

1045. Let's just say my ex-girlfriend's getting married.

1046. The one that got away, huh?

1047. Yep.

1048. Sounds to me like you need a drink.

1049. Road. Neil, please, can you pay attention...

1050. Dude, I've got it!

1051. - Yeah, but... - He's a good driver. Stop.

1052. Thanks, man. Cheers, dude.

1053. Really? Drinking?

1054. I have a lost-love story of my own.

1055. Yeah?

1056. Happened on the set of Clara's Heart.

1057. Sure, sure, yeah.

1058. I'll never forget her. Her name was Tashonda.

1059. She was Whoopi Goldberg's stand-in.

1060. Her skin was so soft, her lips were so sweet.

1061. She had these tiny, little Hershey Kiss nipples...

1062. that you just wanted to suck on all night long.

1063. Anyway, last day of shooting, I told her.

1064. I said...

1065. "T-Bird, we're gonna have to break up."

1066. Why did you do that?

1067. I didn't think I could take on that kind of responsibility.

1068. It was such a big mistake.

1069. Why? I mean, with T-Bird gone...

1070. couldn't you have sex with whoever you wanted?

1071. Let me be clear.

1072. There is nothing on the planet...

1073. that I love more than a hot, new pussy.

1074. - Sure. - Nothing.

1075. What does the P.H. Stands for in N.P.H.?

1076. Patrick Harris.

1077. No, common mistake. Poon handler.

1078. The point is, boys...

1079. even though I love havin' sex with some hot, random trim...

1080. a day hasn't gone by where I haven't thought of Tashonda.

1081. Every time I see a bag of Hershey's Kisses, my balls get so wet.

1082. Here's to you, Tashonda.

1083. - I hope you kept the baby. - Wow.

1084. Hey, honey. What's up?

1085. I found something in your purse.

1086. Why would you go through my purse?

1087. Why would you have a joint...

1088. when you know it could ruin my political career?

1089. I'm sorry.

1090. What with all the wedding plans, I've just been a little stressed.

1091. It helps me relax?

1092. Marijuana is illegal, Vanessa.

1093. Now, I thought that part of your life was in the past.

1094. - It is. - Good.

1095. That's all I need to hear.

1096. Hey, baby.

1097. Look, I know things can be hectic with the wedding.

1098. But, you know, if you get stressed out, just do what I do.

1099. Snort Zoloft, OK?

1100. What the fuck?

1101. Shit.

1102. Dude, they set up a fucking roadblock! They're gonna find us.

1103. - What are you talking about? - Neil...

1104. I don't know how to say this any other way, man, but we're fugitives.

1105. Cool.

1106. OK, well, we've got to find a way to get out of this.

1107. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Please.

1108. You act like I've never smuggled a fugitive across state lines before.

1109. Here. Hide in that.

1110. Sorry. It's a little sticky.

1111. Shit.

1112. Yeah.

1113. What the... When were you gonna show me these?

1114. Excuse me.

1115. Wait, Officer!

1116. - Shit. - Hold that car!

1117. Neil Patrick Harris.

1118. Yo.

1119. It is an honor to meet you, sir.

1120. Yeah. I would imagine so.

1121. I'm sure you get this all the time...

1122. but your part in Starship Troopers truly, truly changed my life.

1123. Really?

1124. How?

1125. Well, no one thought the war against the arachnids of Klendathu could be won.

1126. - But you showed the starship troopers... - Neil!

1127. that those bugs could be destroyed.

1128. A lot of people think the war on terror is a war that can't be won, right?

1129. That's why I joined the Department of Homeland Security.

1130. My friend, two words. Starship fuckin' Troopers.

1131. If you want to know the secret of being, you will come with us.

1132. Please. I really need to go.

1133. Yeah, of course. I'm so sorry to bother you. You move along.

1134. Bye.

1135. I love you.

1136. I love you too, Mr. Patrick Harris.

1137. What the...

1138. Holy fucking shit, that was awesome.

1139. Try having that conversation on shrooms.

1140. I deserve an Oscar for that performance.

1141. - You do! - Dudes...

1142. I'm gonna take a little detour on the way, all right?

1143. - No. - Neil, no.

1144. But we're almost there, man.

1145. - No buts. No buts! - What do you do...

1146. I'm going to a whorehouse and I'm gonna get my fuck on.

1147. If you two don't want to get your dicks wet, that's fine with me.

1148. I'll get my dick wet.

1149. Pussy, I'm home!

1150. Hello?

1151. Well, well, well. I thought you'd never show your face around here again.

1152. What's the matter, Sally? I thought I was one of your top customers.

1153. Have you forgotten what happened the last time you were here?

1154. Because of you, my best girl quit.

1155. Hey, I paid her good money.

1156. It's not my fault she didn't lube up.

1157. Besides, I bring you new customers.

1158. - New customers? - No, Neil, that's all.

1159. Thank you. Thank you. Appreciate it. Appreciate it.

1160. Sally. Bring on the lineup.

1161. Line up in the chutes, girls.

1162. Longhorns coming through.

1163. Neil.

1164. Bigger. Bigger. Bigger. Bigger.

1165. Hello, ba...

1166. - What's your name, miss? - Tits Hemingway.

1167. How'd you come up with that?

1168. Well, I have huge tits.

1169. And my favorite book is A Moveable Feast.

1170. I guess that makes sense, yeah.

1171. Well, I hope you're ready for me, Tits...

1172. 'cause I'm gonna rock out with my cock out...

1173. and you're gonna jam out with your clam out.

1174. It's gonna be magical.

1175. - The whores are on me, fellas. - No, Neil...

1176. - thank you, but we... that's... - Thanks, dude.

1177. Screw that, Roldy. I don't know about you...

1178. but, no offense to the rest of you ladies, I am gonna be taking you two.

1179. No, Kumar. Kumar!

1180. Roldy, you're missing out, brother.

1181. Yo, we need to get back on the road, buddy.

1182. We need...

1183. Well, now, you know, we also supply...

1184. in-room films or a magazine.

1185. Well, if you'd like some self-satisfaction...

1186. we do have some...

1187. electronic devices right over there.

1188. Just have some coffee. Yeah?

1189. Why don't you lie on the bed?

1190. And tell us what you want us to do.

1191. OK. OK.

1192. Well...

1193. how about...

1194. How about you take off your clothes and make out with each other?

1195. - We've done that before. - We can do that.

1196. - Yeah? - Yeah.

1197. Can you use tongue?

1198. Bump your titty on her titty.

1199. Boner achieved!

1200. Great. Now let's get those pants off.

1201. OK.

1202. - You are benevolent human beings. - Yeah, I know.

1203. - Yeah? - We get that a lot.

1204. Yeah. You know what that means, benevolent?

1205. Yeah, I do, actually.

1206. What?

1207. It means we're gonna fuck you so hard...

1208. your dick's gonna be sore for two weeks.

1209. That is exactly, exactly what it means.

1210. You know what bothers me the most, though?

1211. He never once apologized for getting me into all this trouble.

1212. I mean, I'm supposed to be with my Maria right now in Amsterdam, OK?

1213. But it's cool. He doesn't know how to say "I'm sorry."

1214. Why do you think that is?

1215. Sparkle, because it's all about what he wants. It's about him, him, him.

1216. You know. I don't even care because... You know...

1217. if he can't be a good friend to me, I'm not gonna be a good friend to him.

1218. - It's done. - Don't say that.

1219. A good friend is hard to come by.

1220. Venus, come on.

1221. Yeah, but if he was a real friend, he would know how to say, "I'm sorry."

1222. That's right.

1223. Thank you, Agnes.

1224. Nail on the head.

1225. It's like right now...

1226. after all the shit that we have been through in the last few days...

1227. you know, he's in there having the time of his life, having sex.

1228. I never should have left her.

1229. I don't even know...

1230. I don't even know what I was thinking.

1231. I loved her so much.

1232. She was my little baby.

1233. Why did I let my little baby go?

1234. Why did I let her go?

1235. You'll find someone else.

1236. No, I won't. Not like Vanessa.

1237. You'll find love again someday.

1238. Yeah, you will.

1239. Did you guys?

1240. No, we're whores.

1241. - Remember? - Yeah.

1242. Oh, my God. Are you OK?

1243. What the hell is going on here?

1244. That prick fucking branded me!

1245. - Stop it. - I warned you, Neil.

1246. Bring it.

1247. - Neil! Neil! - Time to put your dick in the dirt.

1248. - What... Neil! What are you doing? - Come on. Come on. Come on.

1249. - But... - No, Neil.

1250. Neil!

1251. - What about Neil, man? - No, fuck Neil. He just fucked us.

1252. - Neil! Neil! - Come on, come on, come on!

1253. - Come on! Come on! Come on! - Neil!

1254. Come on!

1255. - N.P.H.! - No!

1256. Stop! Stop!

1257. Wait, wait, wait, wait! We've got to get Neil.

1258. - Why? - Look, we're stealing his car!

1259. - We can't leave him back there. - He stole your fucking car last week!

1260. What was that?

1261. - Hurry up. - Neil!

1262. - Hurry up. Come on, man. - Guys.

1263. - All right. Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up. - Neil, Neil, come on! Come on, man!

1264. - Guys! - Hurry up! Hurry up!

1265. It's not even funny. Hurry up, dude, hurry up.

1266. You can make it, dude.

1267. Oh, my God! Holy shit!

1268. - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Jesus Christ!

1269. - Neil's dead! Neil's dead! - No!

1270. - Oh, my God! - Get the fuck out of here! Go! Go!

1271. It's the dawn of a new day.

1272. And Neil Patrick Harris isn't around to see it, man.

1273. Dude, I told you.

1274. Will you please stop saying that?

1275. God.

1276. He's gone.

1277. Maybe he's got some family contact info in here.

1278. Dude, I know I'm not calling Neil's parents.

1279. What's in the bag?

1280. - Holy fuck. - Creepy mask.

1281. A jar with hair in it.

1282. And, like, 12 cans of Mace.

1283. - Look, dude. - Holy shit.

1284. Holy shit, we actually made it.

1285. This is where Colton grew up, huh?

1286. Smell that? That smells like douche.

1287. No, you will remain in this car.

1288. I will go inside alone and, if we're lucky, Colton will help us out.

1289. - Why can't I just... - No. Let me put it another way.

1290. You leave this car, and our friendship is over.

1291. - But, Roldy, I just... - Kumar.

1292. Open the door and I will cut your fucking balls off.

1293. Jesus. OK.

1294. - Balls. - Go.

1295. Hi, I'm a friend of Colton's.

1296. Thank you.

1297. God damn it.

1298. Vanessa? You OK?

1299. - Kumar? What are you doing here? - Yeah, let me help you up.

1300. I thought you were going to Amsterdam.

1301. Yeah, me too. It didn't work out.

1302. You all right?

1303. - Now, does this hurt when I touch it? - Yeah.

1304. - It does? - Yeah.

1305. This is just what I need. A limp during the wedding.

1306. Can you move it around in a circle?

1307. OK, that's what I figured. It's just your ATFL. I don't think you tore it, though.

1308. So a little ice and massage should do the trick. You'll be fine.

1309. Are you gonna tell me why you're here?

1310. Roldy and I ran into some trouble...

1311. and we figured that maybe your Colton could help us out.

1312. - Still getting into trouble, huh? - A little bit.

1313. You remember that time that you broke into the animal lab...

1314. and, like, stole that monkey and put it in Andy Rosenberg's dorm room?

1315. OK, first of all, that was Goldstein's idea...

1316. and second of all...

1317. had I known that the monkey had AIDS, I never would have done that.

1318. What about you?

1319. You put those disgusting used tampons in Professor Konop's purse.

1320. - Remember that? - Come on.

1321. She was a bitch and you know it.

1322. What's going on here?

1323. Hey, she actually fell and broke her heel here.

1324. Yeah, I twisted my ankle. Kumar was just looking at it.

1325. - Why aren't you in the car, Kumar? - Dude, I heard her yell.

1326. I thought I told you to stay in the car, man.

1327. It's OK, man.

1328. No worries.

1329. Listen, Roldy filled me in on the situation.

1330. But don't worry. I'll make sure my dad takes care of everything.

1331. Thanks, man.

1332. In the meantime, you are going to the doctor.

1333. Ramòn!

1334. Ramòn. Please bring Vanessa to Dr. Harris immediately.

1335. Bye, Vanessa. Hope you feel better.

1336. - Bye. - Bye.

1337. Guys.

1338. All right.

1339. All right, guys. Jet's all fueled. You should be home in no time.

1340. Sweet.

1341. Hey, Colton, I can't believe you're doing this for us...

1342. on the night before your wedding day.

1343. - I really appreciate it. Thank you. - Please don't mention it.

1344. Just want to make sure everything works out smoothly.

1345. Are all these planes yours?

1346. No. OK.

1347. Rold, come on, of course they are.

1348. This guy's funny. You're funny.

1349. - Yeah? - Hey, Colton, man.

1350. Listen, I was wrong about you, dude. You're not a douchebag.

1351. Dude.

1352. You know what I mean. I mean, you're a good dude.

1353. And I'm happy for you and Vanessa.

1354. That's big of you, Kumar.

1355. - I really appreciate it. - Sure.

1356. I just can't wait to get back, man.

1357. You're going back all right.

1358. This time you're not escaping.

1359. Now!

1360. Go! Move, move, move!

1361. You are a douchebag...

1362. - No. - ... you fucking douchebag, fuck you!

1363. Yeah. The last thing I was letting you guys do is ruin my wedding.

1364. - You did this? - Of course he did this.

1365. I thought we were friends, man. How could you betray me like this?

1366. Come on, Rold. You and me?

1367. You let me cheat off you in Advanced Accounting.

1368. Other than that, I could give a shit about you.

1369. Take 'em away, guys.

1370. When we get out of this I'm gonna fucking kick your fucking ass, man!

1371. Boy, you're scaring me.

1372. Well, come on, you're not one of those kung-fu Asians...

1373. you're a fucking pussy banker, for Christ's sakes.

1374. - Fuck you! Fuck you! - I'm gonna rip you up, bitch!

1375. - You'd best watch your back, bitch! - Fuck you, dude!

1376. - Fuck you! - Fuck you!

1377. I'm awesome.

1378. Looks like you boys picked the wrong side, huh?

1379. Where's your Koran now?

1380. We're not even Muslim, you moron...

1381. and even if we were, that doesn't make us terrorists.

1382. Hey! I'm talking to you. Get back here!

1383. Man. I can't believe we're going back.

1384. Now do you see why I hate Colton Graham?

1385. Now do you see why I hate you?

1386. I asked you specifically to stay in the car.

1387. I told you our friendship was at stake.

1388. Vanessa fell down. And I was helping her.

1389. - I don't want to hear the excuses! - It's not an excuse!

1390. I don't want to hear the excuses!

1391. - I heard her yelling! - I don't want to hear it.

1392. I'm sorry.

1393. 'Kay?

1394. Look at this. Look at this.

1395. I fucked up, OK?

1396. I fucked up and I always fuck up. I am a fuck-up.

1397. You think?

1398. Harold...

1399. you're my best friend, dude.

1400. You mean the world to me, man. I love you.

1401. Queers.

1402. And I promise you, if we figure out...

1403. a way to get out of this, I'm gonna change, OK?

1404. It's not just gonna be about Kumar all the time.

1405. It'll be about Kumar and Harold.

1406. Harold and Kumar.

1407. I kind of like the first way better.

1408. OK, OK. Harold and Kumar.

1409. Harold and Kumar.

1410. It's not all your fault.

1411. Yeah, it is. I brought weed on the plane.

1412. - You got weed? - No. The other plane.

1413. No, I wish Neil Patrick Harris were still alive, that guy fucking loves him.

1414. He totally would have been able to bail us out.

1415. You just gave me an idea, man.

1416. - What? - I got this.

1417. Hey, Burl...

1418. - I actually still have some weed. - You do?

1419. - Seriously? - Yeah. It's in my pants.

1420. - Hold up. - You want to smoke now?

1421. Just let me...

1422. - Harold, this is definitely not... - ... get it.

1423. the time to smoke.

1424. Dude, you took Neil's Mace?

1425. Been through a lot of shit, figured we might need it.

1426. Well, good call.

1427. Derek, can I get another water?

1428. What the fuck?

1429. - Keep your hands up. - Please don't shoot us.

1430. - Jesus Christ. OK, OK. - Please don't shoot.

1431. It will be a cold day in hell before I let you hijack this plane.

1432. Beecher, what are you doing?

1433. Whose side are you on? I thought I told you to stay in the cockpit!

1434. Enough, Fox! I've had enough of your crap!

1435. You think that just because I'm smart...

1436. you can treat me like some dork in gym class?

1437. It's obvious these kids are innocent. But you're too dumb to realize that.

1438. You know, it's people like you...

1439. who make the world think that Americans are stupid!

1440. Well, we're not stupid! And we're not gonna take this shit anymore!

1441. It's OK, guys.

1442. It's all over now.

1443. Everything's gonna be all right.

1444. Jesus!

1445. Fuck!

1446. I don't wanna die!

1447. Kumar!

1448. - What? - I have the parachute!

1449. Come over here.

1450. How the fuck am I supposed to do that?

1451. Swim!

1452. Holy shit.

1453. It's fucking working!

1454. Yeah!

1455. I love you, dude.

1456. Shit!

1457. Don't worry about him. I have an idea.

1458. - What? - Hang on.

1459. Fuck you!

1460. Man, that was so fuckin' extreme.

1461. It was.

1462. - Kumar? - Yeah.

1463. Our dicks are touching, aren't they?

1464. Yeah, I guess they are.

1465. - Yeah. - OK, I was just checking.

1466. Roldy, can you move us out of the way? There's a house coming up down here.

1467. I have no idea what I'm doing.

1468. Dude!

1469. The glass hurt my dick. The glass hurt my dick.

1470. I think I'm OK. Yeah.

1471. - Dude. Dude. - Oh, my God.

1472. - No, shit, dude. You all right? - Fuck! I think so!

1473. We gotta get out of here before the people who live here find us.

1474. I know. They're gonna be...

1475. Dude? Dude?

1476. What's up?

1477. - No. - Holy shit!

1478. What the hell are y'all doing in my office?

1479. You'd better start giving me some answers!

1480. George? We're gonna be late for that wedding.

1481. Shit. It's Cheney. Come on, you guys. Keep quiet. Follow me.

1482. That guy scares the crap out of me. Let's go hide in the guesthouse.

1483. - Come the fuck on. - I'm coming.

1484. - This is a cool room. - Yeah.

1485. Yeah, this is where I come to escape from work.

1486. - Here? - Yes, sir.

1487. - So who the heck are you guys? - All right.

1488. My name is Harold Lee, sir...

1489. and this is Kumar Patel.

1490. Anyway, we were on a parachute and we sort of landed on your ranch.

1491. Dude, this is weed.

1492. That's Alabama Kush.

1493. That's only the finest.

1494. So you get high and then you put other people who smoke weed in jail?

1495. - That's so hypocritical. - Dude, look...

1496. Yeah? Well, let me ask you something, Kumar.

1497. - You like giving hand jobs? - No, sir.

1498. - You like getting hand jobs? - Yeah.

1499. All right. Well, that makes you a fucking hypocriticizer too.

1500. So shut the fuck up and smoke my weed.

1501. Hey, love.

1502. What are you doing here? It's bad luck. The ceremony starts in a hour.

1503. I just want to let you know...

1504. I had catering get an extra case of Coors Light...

1505. in case the President comes.

1506. It's his favorite beer.

1507. - Do you think that'll be enough? - I don't know. Yes?

1508. Who cares?

1509. Look, were you able to work everything out with Kumar and Harold?

1510. Don't worry, Chestnut. I took complete care of 'em.

1511. They thought you guys were terrorizers.

1512. Wait. That's not funny, man. They sent us to Guantànamo Bay.

1513. Fuck! G. Bay?

1514. Tell me you didn't eat that cockmeat sandwich.

1515. No. No, we did not eat the cockmeat sandwich. We escaped, thank God.

1516. That cockmeat sandwich. That's my favorite.

1517. Oh, my God.

1518. - This is good shit. - I know. I know.

1519. - I laced it with blow. - Fuck.

1520. So it knocks you out, and it keeps you going at the same time.

1521. If you like weed so much, why don't you just legalize it?

1522. Are you fucking kidding me?

1523. You know how pissed off my dad would get if I did that?

1524. Holy shit, dude.

1525. My dad's all up in my shit too, about this whole...

1526. - med school thing, right? - I know.

1527. And it's not that I don't want to be a doctor, but like...

1528. fucking... sometimes I wonder if he's just encouraging me...

1529. because he knows it'll make me happy...

1530. or because he wants me to carry on his legacy, you know?

1531. You just blew my fuckin' mind.

1532. - Hi. - Hi. You look good.

1533. Daddy.

1534. Yeah, it's W.

1535. I don't need your friends to tell me what to do anymore.

1536. - No, I'm not being disrespectful. - That's what I say.

1537. I'm just saying that I can handle my own shit, all right?

1538. I mean, I don't need them to tell me how to do what I have to do.

1539. Yeah, dude!

1540. Yeah, well you know what? Yeah, well, fuck you, Dad.

1541. Fuck you!

1542. - Dude, that was awesome. - You guys are awesome.

1543. - No. No. - You're awesome!

1544. - You are awesomer. - Sir, you are awesome.

1545. Seriously.

1546. Listen, about our situation...

1547. Fuck that. Listen, guys, guys, guys. I am the fucking President, all right?

1548. That means I get to pardon whoever I want. You guys are in the fuckin' clear.

1549. Don't worry.

1550. - Holy shit. Are you serious? Thank you. - Oh, my God. Thank you, Mr. President.

1551. Yeah.

1552. - Thank you. Thank you. - Don't mention it.

1553. But, listen, to be honest, after all the shit that we've been through...

1554. I don't know if we can trust our government anymore.

1555. - Trust the government? - Yeah.

1556. Heck. I'm in the government and I don't even trust it.

1557. You don't have to believe in your government to be a good American.

1558. You just have to believe in your country.

1559. Exactly.

1560. - Exactly. - Right.

1561. This is good shit, isn't it?

1562. Yeah, it is.

1563. If you guys need anything else, just let me know, all right?

1564. Actually, Mr. President, there is one thing.

1565. - This really came out great. - Yeah, it did, man.

1566. I lit a lot of these candles.

1567. Great.

1568. - All clear. - Safe to proceed.

1569. He's here! I knew he'd come.

1570. All right, let 'em in.

1571. - What is happen... - Who is that?

1572. - Harold? - Kumar?

1573. Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for interrupting this beautiful ceremony.

1574. But there is no way in hell...

1575. that I'm letting the only woman I've ever loved marry that piece of shit.

1576. Security, get them out of here, please.

1577. These guys? No, see, they're with us. Yeah.

1578. Looks like I got a little more pull with the President than you, bitch.

1579. - What the hell is going on? - I'll tell you what's going on.

1580. Your fiancé promised to get us out of trouble.

1581. But instead he arranged for us to be sent back to Guantànamo Bay...

1582. where we'd be forced to suck Big Bob's fat dick.

1583. - Is this true? - Yeah, it's true.

1584. I'll take care of this myself.

1585. - OK, wait. - No...

1586. You son of a bitch.

1587. I loved you, man.

1588. - I can't believe this. - Vanessa, let me explain...

1589. Explain?

1590. Explain why you're putting me through...

1591. the most embarrassing moment of my life?

1592. Well, what if I did something embarrassing to myself?

1593. Would that make you feel better?

1594. There's nothing you can do that would be this embarrassing.

1595. I fear that I will always be A lonely number like root three

1596. A three is all that's good and right

1597. Why must my three keep out of sight Beneath a vicious square-root sign?

1598. I wish instead I were a nine

1599. For nine could thwart this evil trick With just some quick arithmetic

1600. I know I'll never see the sun

1601. As 1.7321

1602. You fucking tool.

1603. Quiet, anus.

1604. Such is my reality A sad irrationality

1605. When, hark, just what is this I see?

1606. Another square root of a three

1607. Has quietly come waltzing by

1608. Together now we multiply

1609. To form a number we prefer

1610. Rejoicing as an integer

1611. We break free from our mortal bonds

1612. And with a wave of magic wands

1613. Our square-root signs become unglued

1614. And love for me has been renewed

1615. You were right.

1616. - That was pretty lame. - Told you.

1617. Look, I can't promise you the kind of lifestyle that Colton could.

1618. And I can't promise you that I'm gonna mature overnight.

1619. But what I can promise you is that...

1620. Sorry, I smoked weed with the President.

1621. I totally forgot what I was going to say.

1622. I can promise you that I will always love you.

1623. And I'll never try and make you into something that you're not.

1624. So, what do you say you take a brother back?

1625. Only if you promise to get me out of this awkward situation...

1626. as soon as possible.

1627. Come here.

1628. Yeah!

1629. That's my boy!

1630. Ku!

1631. Come on. Let's get the hell back to Jersey.

1632. All right, hold on. First we gotta do something for my buddy here.

1633. - Got to go somewhere. - Where?

1634. - Hey. - Hey.

1635. - No luck, huh? - No.

1636. Called every hotel in the city. I walked all around.

1637. I just can't find her anywhere.

1638. - We'll find her. - We'll find her, dude.

1639. What?

1640. Oh, my God, there she is.

1641. - Roldy, she's hot. - Dude, go get her!

1642. Jesus, I'm sorry, man.

1643. - So fuck it. Forget about that. - Yeah.

1644. It's probably just some Amsterdam fling, all right?

1645. We'll go back to the Jerz...

1646. - in a couple of days, all right? - No.

1647. No, fuck it.

1648. I came way too far.

1649. We went through too much shit to...

1650. I'm gonna talk to her.

1651. No, no, no, dude, don't go in there.

1652. - Come on. - Just wait.

1653. Come on, man. Wait till we get back to Jersey.

1654. What the fuck are you doing?

1655. - C'est quoi ton putain de prob/ème, toi? - Harold!

1656. I didn't understand what you said.

1657. - What the fuck are you doing? - What the fuck are you doing, man?

1658. - You're ruining my shot. - You what?

1659. Get off my set!

1660. I'm so confused. What's...

1661. - What's going on? - Harold, I'm doing a photo shoot.

1662. For High Times magazine.

1663. Of course, you're a model. You're very hot. You're a model.

1664. Right. I always wondered what you did for a living.

1665. I'm sorry. So, wait a second. So you're not with this dude?

1666. Are you kidding? Me?

1667. - Yeah. - No.

1668. Anton is like totally gay.

1669. Harold, what are you doing here?

1670. I didn't want to wait ten days to see you...

1671. so I thought I would come and surprise you.

1672. That is so sweet.

1673. OK. It's sweet.

1674. I've been thinking about you this whole time.

1675. - You have? - I have.

1676. - I missed you so much. - I missed you.

1677. Fuck yeah, dude.

1678. Bang bang, Roldy.

1679. Hello, Maria. My name is Kumar.

1680. - I've heard so much about you. - Hi.

1681. This is Vanessa. Vanessa, Maria.

1682. - Hey. - Hey. How you doing?

1683. Ladies and Roldy, how would you like to get really fucking high...

1684. since we're in Amsterdam?

1685. - Yeah. - Shall we?

1686. - Sounds like a plan. - Let's do it.

1687. Motherfucker!