1. I suppose you think
that's very funny, Harold.Copy !req
2. - Hello?
- Hello?Copy !req
3. - Fay?
- Yes?Copy !req
4. Darling, be a dear and cancel
my appointment with René this afternoon.Copy !req
5. - I know he'll be furious...Copy !req
6. but I've had such a trying day.Copy !req
7. And with guests coming this evening.
Oh, would you? That's sweet.Copy !req
8. Tell him I promise
to be in on Tuesday.Copy !req
9. Thank you, Fay.
You're a darling.Copy !req
10. Yes. Bye.Copy !req
11. Bye.Copy !req
12. Oh. Dinner at 8:00, Harold.Copy !req
13. And do try and be
a little more vivacious.Copy !req
14. Of course, you know, Harold's father
had a similar sense of the absurd.Copy !req
15. I remember once in Paris,
he just stepped out for cigarettes...Copy !req
16. and the next thing I knew,
he was arrested by the police...Copy !req
17. for floating nude down the Seine.Copy !req
18. Experimenting in river currents...Copy !req
19. with rubber water wings.Copy !req
20. Mauve ones.Copy !req
21. Well, that cost quite a bit of
influence et d'argent...Copy !req
22. to hush up, I can tell you.Copy !req
23. Harold, dear,
don't play with your food.Copy !req
24. What's the matter?
Don't you feel well?Copy !req
25. I have a sore throat.Copy !req
26. Oh. Well, now,
directly after dinner...Copy !req
27. I want you to go straight to bed.Copy !req
28. Harold's always been
a very delicate child.Copy !req
29. Even as a baby.
He seemed totally prone...Copy !req
30. to every possible kind of illness.Copy !req
31. Harold, dear, eat up your beets.Copy !req
32. I remember once in Tokyo...Copy !req
33. I had to call the embassy
for a doctor.Copy !req
34. Oh, my God!Copy !req
35. This is too much!Copy !req
36. I can't stand much more of this!Copy !req
37. I can't take any more!Copy !req
38. Oh, my God!Copy !req
39. Oh, God!Copy !req
40. That's very interesting, Harold...Copy !req
41. and I think very illuminating.Copy !req
42. There seems to be
a definite pattern emerging.Copy !req
43. And of course,
this pattern, once isolated...Copy !req
44. can be coped with.Copy !req
45. Recognize the problem
and you're halfway on the road...Copy !req
46. to its, uh... its solution.Copy !req
47. Tell me, Harold,
what do you do for fun?Copy !req
48. What activity gives you...Copy !req
49. a different sense of enjoyment
from the others?Copy !req
50. What do you find fulfilling?Copy !req
51. What gives you that...Copy !req
52. special satisfaction?Copy !req
53. I go to funerals.Copy !req
54. Thou dost prepare for me a table
in the sight of my adversaries.Copy !req
55. Thou dost anoint my head with oil.
My chalice overflows.Copy !req
56. - Kindness and grace shall follow me...Copy !req
57. all the days of my life...Copy !req
58. and I shall dwell
in the house of the Lord...Copy !req
59. for length of days.Copy !req
60. The Earth is the Lord's
and the fullness thereof...Copy !req
61. the world and they
who dwell within...Copy !req
62. for he has established it
upon the waters...Copy !req
63. and set it firmly upon the rivers.Copy !req
64. Who shall ascend
the mountain of the Lord...Copy !req
65. or who shall stand in his holy place?Copy !req
66. The innocent of hands...Copy !req
67. - and the pure of heart...Copy !req
68. Who has not turned
his mind to vanity...Copy !req
69. nor sworn deceitfully
to his neighbor.Copy !req
70. He shall receive
the blessing from the Lord...Copy !req
71. and a reward from God his savior.Copy !req
72. This is the generation
of those who seek him.Copy !req
73. Harold?Copy !req
74. Why you purchased
that monstrosity I have no idea.Copy !req
75. You can have any car you want.Copy !req
76. But that ugly black horror
is an eyesore and an embarrassment.Copy !req
77. Really, Harold,
it is time you settled down...Copy !req
78. and stopped flitting away your talents
on these little amateur theatrics...Copy !req
79. these little divertissements...Copy !req
80. no matter how psychologically
purging they may be.Copy !req
81. I don't know what to do.Copy !req
82. Go and have a talk
with your Uncle Victor.Copy !req
83. Perhaps he can fathom you.Copy !req
84. After all, he was
General MacArthur's right-hand man.Copy !req
85. Well, what do you say, Harold?Copy !req
86. - Ah, it's a great life.Copy !req
87. There's action, adventure, advising...Copy !req
88. and you'll get a chance
to see the war firsthand.Copy !req
89. - And there are plenty of slant-eyed girls.
- Hup!Copy !req
90. Ah, it'll make a man
out of you, Harold.Copy !req
91. You'll travel the world, put on a uniform,
and take on a man's job.Copy !req
92. Hup!Copy !req
93. You'll walk tall, with a glint in your eye
and a spring in your step...Copy !req
94. and the knowledge in your heart...Copy !req
95. that you are working for peace...Copy !req
96. and are serving your country...Copy !req
97. - just like Nathan Hale!
- Ready!Copy !req
98. Now, that's what this country needs...Copy !req
99. - More Nathan Hales.Copy !req
100. - Fire!Copy !req
101. - Hup!
- Harold...Copy !req
102. I think I can see...Copy !req
103. a little Nathan Hale in you.Copy !req
104. Tell me, Harold...Copy !req
105. how many of these,
uh, suicides have you performed?Copy !req
106. An accurate number
would be difficult to gauge.Copy !req
107. Well, just give me a rough estimate.Copy !req
108. - A rough estimate?
- Mm.Copy !req
109. I'd say...Copy !req
110. fifteen.Copy !req
111. - Fifteen?
- That's a rough estimate.Copy !req
112. Were they all done
for your mother's benefit?Copy !req
113. No. No.Copy !req
114. I would not say "benefit."Copy !req
115. Harold, I only have
a few minutes, dear...Copy !req
116. and I do want
to inform you of my decision.Copy !req
117. You have led
a very carefree, idle...Copy !req
118. happy life up to the present...
the life of a child.Copy !req
119. But it is time now
to put away childish things...Copy !req
120. and take on adult responsibilities.Copy !req
121. Oh, we would all like
to sail through life...Copy !req
122. with no thought of tomorrow,
but that cannot be.Copy !req
123. We have our duties...Copy !req
124. our obligations, our principles.Copy !req
125. In short, Harold...Copy !req
126. I think it is time
for you to get married.Copy !req
127. Let us pray to the Lord, king of glory...Copy !req
128. that he may bless and deliver
the souls of all faithful departed...Copy !req
129. from the pain of hell
and the bottomless pit.Copy !req
130. Deliver them from the lion's mouth
and the darkness therein...Copy !req
131. and rather bring them to...Copy !req
132. the blessing of light,
holy life, and eternal rest.Copy !req
133. "O Lord...Copy !req
134. do not bring your servant to trial...Copy !req
135. - for no man...
- Psst!Copy !req
136. Becomes holy in your sight
unless you grant him...Copy !req
137. forgiveness of all his sins.Copy !req
138. We implore you therefore,
do not let the verdict...Copy !req
139. - of your judgment go against him...
- Psst!Copy !req
140. Whom the loyal prayer of Christian faith
commends to your mercy.Copy !req
141. - Psst!
- Rather...Copy !req
142. by the help of your grace,
may he escape...Copy !req
143. the sentence which he deserves,
for during...Copy !req
144. his earthly life, he was signed
with the seal of the Holy Trinity.Copy !req
145. You who live...Copy !req
146. and reign forever and ever.Copy !req
147. Amen."Copy !req
148. Psst!Copy !req
149. Like some licorice?Copy !req
150. - No, thank you.
- You're welcome.Copy !req
151. - No.
- Me neither.Copy !req
152. I heard he's 80 years old.
I'll be 80 next week.Copy !req
153. Good time
to move on, don't you think?Copy !req
154. I don't know.Copy !req
155. Well, I mean, 75 is too early...Copy !req
156. but at 85 you're just marking time.Copy !req
157. - You may as well look over the horizon.Copy !req
158. Tsk.Copy !req
159. I'll never understand
this mania for black.Copy !req
160. Nobody sends
black flowers, do they?Copy !req
161. Black flowers are dead flowers.Copy !req
162. Who sends dead flowers
to a funeral?Copy !req
163. It's absurd.Copy !req
164. - What is your name?
- Harold. Harold Chasen.Copy !req
165. Oh, how do you do? I'm Dame Marjorie Chardin,
but you may call me Maude.Copy !req
166. - How do you do? Nice to meet you.
- Well, thank you.Copy !req
167. I think we're going to be
great friends, don't you?Copy !req
168. Can I give you a lift, Harold?Copy !req
169. No, thank you.
I have my own car.Copy !req
170. Well, I must be off.
We shall have to meet again.Copy !req
171. Ah...Copy !req
172. Tell me, do you dance?Copy !req
173. - Pardon me?
- Do you sing and dance?Copy !req
174. - Uh, no.
- "Uh, no."Copy !req
175. I thought not.Copy !req
176. That woman... she took my car!Copy !req
177. I have here, Harold,
the form sent out...Copy !req
178. by the National Computer
Dating Service.Copy !req
179. They screen out
the fat and the ugly...Copy !req
180. so it is obviously
a firm of high standards.Copy !req
181. First, here is
the personality interview...Copy !req
182. which you are to fill out
and return.Copy !req
183. Now, then, are you ready, Harold?Copy !req
184. Here is the first question.Copy !req
185. "Are you uncomfortable
meeting new people?"Copy !req
186. Well, I think that's a yes.
Don't you agree, Harold?Copy !req
187. "Should sex education
be taught outside the home?"Copy !req
188. Oh, I would say no.
Wouldn't you, Harold?Copy !req
189. Yeah, we'll give a D there.Copy !req
190. "Should women run for president
of the United States?"Copy !req
191. I don't see why not.
Absolutely yes.Copy !req
192. "Do you remember jokes
and take pleasure...Copy !req
193. in relating them to others?"Copy !req
194. You don't do that,
do you, Harold?Copy !req
195. No. Absolutely no.Copy !req
196. "Do you often get the feeling
that perhaps life isn't worth living?"Copy !req
197. Mm? What do you think, Harold?
A? B?Copy !req
198. Oh, we'll put down C...
"not sure." Mm-hmm.Copy !req
199. "Is the subject of sex
being overexploited...Copy !req
200. by our mass media?"Copy !req
201. Well, that would have to be yes,
wouldn't it?Copy !req
202. "Is it difficult for you
to accept criticism?"Copy !req
203. No. We'll mark D.Copy !req
204. "Do you sometimes have headaches
or backaches after a difficult day?"Copy !req
205. Yes, I do indeed.Copy !req
206. "Do you go to sleep easily?"Copy !req
207. I'd say so.Copy !req
208. "Do you believe
in capital punishment for murder?"Copy !req
209. Oh, yes, I do indeed.Copy !req
210. "In your opinion, are social affairs
usually a waste of time?"Copy !req
211. Heavens no!Copy !req
212. "Can God influence our lives?"Copy !req
213. Oh, yes.
Absolutely yes.Copy !req
214. "Does your personal religion
or philosophy include a life after death?"Copy !req
215. Oh, yes indeed.Copy !req
216. That's absolutely.Copy !req
217. "Did you enjoy life
when you were a child?"Copy !req
218. Oh, yes.
You were a wonderful baby, Harold.Copy !req
219. "Do you think the sexual revolution
has gone too far?"Copy !req
220. It certainly has.Copy !req
221. "Do you find the idea
of wife-swapping distasteful?"Copy !req
222. I even find the question distasteful.Copy !req
223. "Do you..."Copy !req
224. Harold, please!Copy !req
225. "Do you have ups and downs
without obvious reason?"Copy !req
226. That's you, Harold.Copy !req
227. Psst!Copy !req
228. Dearest brothers...Copy !req
229. let us faithfully and lovingly
remember our brother...Copy !req
230. whom God has taken to himself...Copy !req
231. from the trials of this world.Copy !req
232. God have mercy.Copy !req
233. Christ have mercy.
Lord have mercy.Copy !req
234. Our Father who art in heaven...Copy !req
235. hallowed be thy name.Copy !req
236. Thy kingdom come,
thy will be done...Copy !req
237. on Earth as it is in heaven.Copy !req
238. Give us this day our daily bread...Copy !req
239. and forgive us our trespasses...Copy !req
240. as we forgive those
who have trespassed against us...Copy !req
241. and lead us not into temptation...Copy !req
242. but deliver us from evil. Amen.Copy !req
243. My boy, excuse me.Copy !req
244. One moment, please.Copy !req
245. Who was that old lady
who was waving to you earlier?Copy !req
246. Hello, Harold.
Can I give you a lift?Copy !req
247. Oh, there you are, madam.Copy !req
248. Were you not the lady
who drove my car off yesterday?Copy !req
249. Was that the one with the Saint Christopher
medal on the dashboard?Copy !req
250. - Yes.
- Then I suppose it was me.Copy !req
251. Get in, Harold.Copy !req
252. Were you also the one
who painted the saint?Copy !req
253. Oh, yes.
How did you like that?Copy !req
254. - Well, I didn't.
- Oh, don't be too discouraged.Copy !req
255. For aesthetic appreciation,
always a little time.Copy !req
256. What a delight it is, Harold,
to bump into you again.Copy !req
257. I knew we were gonna be
good friends the moment I saw you.Copy !req
258. You go to funerals often,
don't you?Copy !req
259. - Uh, yeah.
- Yeah, so do I.Copy !req
260. They're such fun, aren't they?
It's all change, all revolving.Copy !req
261. Burials and births,
one linked to the other.Copy !req
262. The great circle of life.Copy !req
263. Hey, this old thing handles well.Copy !req
264. - Ever drive a hearse, Harold?
- Yeah.Copy !req
265. Well, it's a new experience for me.Copy !req
266. Good on curves.Copy !req
267. Shall I take you home, Harold?Copy !req
268. Uh, this is my car.Copy !req
269. - Your hearse?
- "Yearse."Copy !req
270. Oh!Copy !req
271. Then you shall take me home.Copy !req
272. So just before he left
for the monastery in Tibet...Copy !req
273. Big Sweeney gave me his keys.Copy !req
274. 'Course, I had to make
some additions for the new models...Copy !req
275. but not as many as you might think.Copy !req
276. Once you have your basic set,
it's then only a question of variation.Copy !req
277. You hop in any car you want
and just drive off?Copy !req
278. Oh, not any car.
I like to keep a variety.Copy !req
279. I'm always looking
for the new experience.Copy !req
280. Maybe.Copy !req
281. Nevertheless,
I think you're upsetting people.Copy !req
282. I don't know if that's right.Copy !req
283. Well, if some people get upset because
they feel they have a hold on some things...Copy !req
284. I'm merely acting
as a gentle reminder...Copy !req
285. here today, gone tomorrow,
so don't get attached to things.Copy !req
286. Now, with that in mind...Copy !req
287. I'm not against collecting stuff.Copy !req
288. I've collected
quite a lot of stuff in my time.Copy !req
289. This is all memorabilia...Copy !req
290. but it's incidental, not integral,
if you know what I mean.Copy !req
291. - Oh! The birds.
- Wow.Copy !req
292. Oh, I love them so much.Copy !req
293. They're the only wildlife
I get to see anymore.Copy !req
294. Ah, me. Free as a bird.Copy !req
295. You know, at one time I used to break
into pet shops to liberate the canaries.Copy !req
296. But I decided that was an idea
way before its time.Copy !req
297. Zoos are full.
Prisons are overflowing.Copy !req
298. Oh, my.Copy !req
299. How the world still...Copy !req
300. dearly loves a cage.Copy !req
301. Uh, please sit down, Harold.Copy !req
302. I'll put the kettle on.
We'll have a nice hot cup of tea.Copy !req
303. Oh, thank you,
but I really have to go.Copy !req
304. Oh, but it's oat straw tea.
You've never had oat straw tea, have you?Copy !req
305. - No.
- Well, then.Copy !req
306. No, but I really do have to go.
I have an appointment.Copy !req
307. - I really can't miss it.
- Oh. At the dentist?Copy !req
308. Kind of.Copy !req
309. Well, then, you'll just have
to come back and visit.Copy !req
310. - All right.
- My door's always open.Copy !req
311. - All right.
- Promise?Copy !req
312. I promise.Copy !req
313. Harold?Copy !req
314. Harold?Copy !req
315. I asked,
"Do you have any friends?"Copy !req
316. - No.
- None at all?Copy !req
317. No.Copy !req
318. Maybe one.Copy !req
319. Would you care
to talk about this friend?Copy !req
320. No.Copy !req
321. I find you a very
interesting case, Harold...Copy !req
322. but this reluctance on your part is detrimental
to the psychoanalytical process.Copy !req
323. Do you understand?Copy !req
324. Very well.Copy !req
325. Your mother tells me, Harold,
that she's arranging...Copy !req
326. several dates for you
with some young ladies.Copy !req
327. How do you feel about that?Copy !req
328. Hello, I'm Candy Gulf.Copy !req
329. How do you do? I'm Mrs. Chasen.
Do come in.Copy !req
330. Harold is out in the garden, Candy,
but he'll be here in a moment.Copy !req
331. Shall we, uh, sit down?Copy !req
332. Oh, there's Harold. Hello.Copy !req
333. - Oh, he seems very nice.
- Oh, thank you.Copy !req
334. You are at the university?Copy !req
335. - Yes, I am.
- And what are you studying?Copy !req
336. Poli sci with a minor in home ec.Copy !req
337. - "Poli sci"?
- Political science.Copy !req
338. - Oh.
- It's all about what's going on.Copy !req
339. Is Harold interested
in what's going on?Copy !req
340. I just think it's such
a super thing to study.Copy !req
341. And then, of course, I can always
fall back on my home ec.Copy !req
342. - Oh, now, that's good planning.
- Yes.Copy !req
343. Tell me, Candy, are you a regular
with this computer club?Copy !req
344. Oh, heavens no!
I don't have to worry about dates.Copy !req
345. - Oh.Copy !req
346. But, you see, some of the other girls
in my sorority decided...Copy !req
347. that somebody ought to try it,
so we drew straws and I lost.Copy !req
348. Oh, but I... I'm looking forward
to meeting Harold.Copy !req
349. Well, I think
I should mention, Candy...Copy !req
350. Harold does have
his little eccentric moments.Copy !req
351. That's all right.Copy !req
352. I have a brother
who's a real cutup too.Copy !req
353. Oh, I will never forget the time...Copy !req
354. we had this old television set
with no parts in it.Copy !req
355. Tommy stuck his head behind it...Copy !req
356. and started giving a whole newscast
before the entire family.Copy !req
357. Must've been very funny.Copy !req
358. Harold!Copy !req
359. Oh, yes, dear.
Here is Harold now.Copy !req
360. - Harold, this is Candy.Copy !req
361. Candy's just been telling us
such a funny little story...Copy !req
362. about... Walter Cronkite.Copy !req
363. Oh. Excuse me.Copy !req
364. - I beg your pardon.
- What do you want?Copy !req
365. I'm sorry.
I was looking for Maude.Copy !req
366. Harold?Copy !req
367. Maude.Copy !req
368. How about some ginger pie?Copy !req
369. - Fine. Thank you.
- I'll heat some up.Copy !req
370. My, Harold,
I'm glad to see you again.Copy !req
371. Do you often model for Glaucus?Copy !req
372. Oh, heavens, no.
I don't have the time.Copy !req
373. But I like to keep in practice.Copy !req
374. And poor Glaucus occasionally
needs his memory refreshed...Copy !req
375. as to the contours
of the female form.Copy !req
376. - Do you disapprove?
- Me? No. Of course not.Copy !req
377. Really?
Do you think it's wrong?Copy !req
378. - No.
- Oh, heavens, I'm glad you said that.Copy !req
379. I want to show you my painting.Copy !req
380. This is The Rape of Rome.Copy !req
381. Over in the corner is
Leda and the Swan.Copy !req
382. A self-portrait.Copy !req
383. And over here is my favorite.Copy !req
384. It's titled...Copy !req
385. Rainbow with Egg Underneath...Copy !req
386. and an Elephant.Copy !req
387. - Do you like it?
- Oh, yeah. Very much.Copy !req
388. I then became infatuated...Copy !req
389. with these, my odorifics.Copy !req
390. "Give the nose a treat,"
I thought.Copy !req
391. "Have a kind of a...
of a olfactory banquet."Copy !req
392. So I began first on the easiest:
Roast beef, old books...Copy !req
393. mown grass,
and Mexican farmyard.Copy !req
394. Oh! Here's one you'll like.Copy !req
395. Snowfall on 42nd Street.
I'll put it on.Copy !req
396. Now, you hold on to this.Copy !req
397. I'll pump it up.Copy !req
398. Okay. Now, hold it up there.Copy !req
399. Now, what do you smell?Copy !req
400. Subways?Copy !req
401. Perfume.Copy !req
402. - Cigarettes.Copy !req
403. - Snow.
- Snow.Copy !req
404. Oh, it goes on and on.Copy !req
405. That's just great.Copy !req
406. But then I decided to switch...Copy !req
407. to the taCtile.Copy !req
408. - What do you think?
- I like this.Copy !req
409. Oh, no, no, no.
Really get close...Copy !req
410. and reach in and feel.Copy !req
411. - Oh. There's my kettle.Copy !req
412. Uh... Well, stroke...Copy !req
413. palm...Copy !req
414. caress...Copy !req
415. explore.Copy !req
416. Here we are:
Oat straw tea and ginger pie.Copy !req
417. Excuse the mismatched saucers.Copy !req
418. This is definitely
a new experience for me.Copy !req
419. Oh, wonderful.
Try something new each day.Copy !req
420. After all, we're given life
to find it out.Copy !req
421. It doesn't last forever.Copy !req
422. You look as if you could.Copy !req
423. - Did I tell you I'll be 80 on Saturday?
- You don't look 80.Copy !req
424. Oh, well, that's the influence
of the right food, right exercises...Copy !req
425. and the right breathing.Copy !req
426. Greet the dawn
with the Breath of Fire.Copy !req
427. Oh!Copy !req
428. Well, there's no question
my body's giving out.Copy !req
429. I'm well into autumn.
It's all gonna be over after Saturday.Copy !req
430. Uh, tell me about yourself.Copy !req
431. What do you do
when you aren't visiting funerals?Copy !req
432. Yep. There is definitely
a certain attraCtion.Copy !req
433. I ask you though, Harold:Copy !req
434. Is it enough?Copy !req
435. - What do you mean?
- Well...Copy !req
436. Mm.Copy !req
437. I like to watch things grow.Copy !req
438. They grow and bloom...Copy !req
439. and fade and die...Copy !req
440. and change into something else.Copy !req
441. Ah, life.Copy !req
442. I should like to change
into a sunflower most of all.Copy !req
443. They're so tall and simple.Copy !req
444. What flower would you like to be?Copy !req
445. I don't know.Copy !req
446. - One of these, maybe.
- Why do you say that?Copy !req
447. - Because they're all alike.
- Oh, but they're not.Copy !req
448. Look. See?Copy !req
449. Some are smaller,
some are fatter...Copy !req
450. some grow to the left,
some to the right.Copy !req
451. Some even have lost some petals.Copy !req
452. All kinds of observable differences.Copy !req
453. You see, Harold...Copy !req
454. I feel that much
of the world's sorrow...Copy !req
455. comes from people who are this...Copy !req
456. yet...Copy !req
457. allow themselves to be
treated as that.Copy !req
458. Hey! Jesus Christ!Copy !req
459. That little tree is in trouble.
Come on.Copy !req
460. Look at it. Oh!Copy !req
461. It's suffocating.
Well, it's the smog.Copy !req
462. You know, people can live with it,
but trees, it gives them asthma.Copy !req
463. - They can't breathe.
- Huh?Copy !req
464. The leaves...
look, they're turning brown.Copy !req
465. Harold, we have got
to do something about this life.Copy !req
466. - What?
- We'll transplant it to the forest.Copy !req
467. - You can't do that.
- Why not?Copy !req
468. - This is public property.
- Well, exactly.Copy !req
469. Well, we'll need tools.Copy !req
470. You're right.
We'll go see Glaucus.Copy !req
471. Come on.Copy !req
472. Wait a minute.Copy !req
473. Oh, the police. Come on.Copy !req
474. Well, good afternoon, Officer.
Bit of trouble here?Copy !req
475. Yes, ma'am. Someone had
a little trouble parking.Copy !req
476. - It's a tricky turn.
- Yes, ma'am.Copy !req
477. Tell me, that car over there...Copy !req
478. is that parked all right?Copy !req
479. - Yes, ma'am. That's fine.
- Oh, thank you so much.Copy !req
480. Uh, you might turn the radio off.
Saves the battery.Copy !req
481. A little after-dinner liqueur, Harold?Copy !req
482. Oh, uh, thank you.
I don't drink.Copy !req
483. Oh, it's all right.
It's organic.Copy !req
484. - Thanks.
- It has no nutritional value...Copy !req
485. but consistency
is not really a human trait.Copy !req
486. What is that up there?Copy !req
487. Oh, that's my umbrella.
That's just a relic.Copy !req
488. I found it when I was packing
to come to America.Copy !req
489. It used to be
my defense on picket lines...Copy !req
490. and rallies and political meetings...Copy !req
491. being dragged off by the police...Copy !req
492. and attacked by thugs
of the opposition.Copy !req
493. What were you fighting for?Copy !req
494. Oh, big issues:Copy !req
495. Liberty, rights, justice.Copy !req
496. Kings died. Kingdoms fell.Copy !req
497. I don't regret the kingdoms.Copy !req
498. What sense in...Copy !req
499. borders and nations
and patriotism?Copy !req
500. But I miss the kings.Copy !req
501. When I was a little girl...Copy !req
502. I was taken to the palace
in Vienna, to a garden party.Copy !req
503. I can still see the sun shining...Copy !req
504. the parasols...Copy !req
505. the flashing uniforms
of the young officers.Copy !req
506. I thought then that
I would marry a soldier.Copy !req
507. Later on,
Frederick would chide me about it.Copy !req
508. He was so serious.Copy !req
509. A doctor at the university...Copy !req
510. and in the government.Copy !req
511. But that was all before.Copy !req
512. So...Copy !req
513. you don't use
the umbrella anymore.Copy !req
514. No more revolts?Copy !req
515. Oh. Oh, yes.Copy !req
516. Oh, every day.Copy !req
517. But...Copy !req
518. I don't need a defense anymore.Copy !req
519. I embrace.Copy !req
520. Still fighting for the big issues...Copy !req
521. but now in my small...Copy !req
522. individual way.Copy !req
523. Shall we have a song?Copy !req
524. - I don't play anything.
- Oh, come on.Copy !req
525. - I'll show you.
- No...Copy !req
526. Harold, join in.Copy !req
527. Oh, that was fun!
Let's play something together.Copy !req
528. - I don't play anything.
- Nothing?Copy !req
529. Dear me!Copy !req
530. Everybody should be able
to make some music.Copy !req
531. That's the cosmic dance.
Oh, come with me.Copy !req
532. There has to be something.Copy !req
533. Now, let me see.Copy !req
534. Wait a minute. See?
Oh!Copy !req
535. Hold on to this.
What is this?Copy !req
536. This is it. Here we are.Copy !req
537. Now, this is the one.
Take that.Copy !req
538. Just be impulsive. Be fanciful.
Let the music flow out of ya.Copy !req
539. You've got to make some chords.Copy !req
540. Put your finger
on the second fret there...Copy !req
541. then this one on the third,
then this one here.Copy !req
542. Harold!Copy !req
543. Harold?Copy !req
544. Harold, dear?Copy !req
545. Oh, there you are.Copy !req
546. I have a little surprise for you.Copy !req
547. It's a present.Copy !req
548. Come along.Copy !req
549. There.Copy !req
550. Isn't it darling?Copy !req
551. I had them take away
that monstrous thing of yours...Copy !req
552. and send this one 'round instead.Copy !req
553. So much more appropriate for you,
don't you think?Copy !req
554. Oh, one thing more, Harold.Copy !req
555. I telephoned your second
computer date this morning...Copy !req
556. and she seems
a very nice, quiet girl.Copy !req
557. Cute little thing, isn't it?Copy !req
558. I like it very much.Copy !req
559. Your license, lady.Copy !req
560. I don't have one.
I don't believe in them.Copy !req
561. How long you been drivin', lady?Copy !req
562. About 45 minutes.
Wouldn't you say, Harold?Copy !req
563. We were hoping
to start sooner, but you see...Copy !req
564. it's rather hard to find a truck.Copy !req
565. Is this your truck?Copy !req
566. Uh, oh, no.
I just took it.Copy !req
567. - You took it?
- Yes. You see, I have to plant my tree.Copy !req
568. Well, it's not mine, really...Copy !req
569. but we would like to get it into soil
as soon as possible.Copy !req
570. Let me get this straight, lady...Copy !req
571. All right, then. We'll be off.Copy !req
572. Nice chatting with you.Copy !req
573. - He was very nice.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
574. - I think he's following us.
- Is he?Copy !req
575. Tsk. Oh, the police.
Always wanting to play games.Copy !req
576. Hey, lady!Copy !req
577. Is the little tree all right?Copy !req
578. Oh, yeah. Fine.Copy !req
579. Terrific!Copy !req
580. There.Copy !req
581. Mm, I love the feel
of soil, don't you?Copy !req
582. And the smell.Copy !req
583. It's the earth.Copy !req
584. "The earth is my body...Copy !req
585. my head is in the stars."Copy !req
586. Who said that?Copy !req
587. I don't know.Copy !req
588. Well, I suppose I did.Copy !req
589. Ooh, isn't it wonderful?Copy !req
590. All around us, living things!Copy !req
591. All right, out, lady.Copy !req
592. - Come on.
- Hello. Haven't we met before?Copy !req
593. None of that, lady.
Come on out.Copy !req
594. Oh, well. It must've been your brother.
There is a family resemblance.Copy !req
595. Out of the car.Copy !req
596. Just stand over there, lady.
Just stand over there.Copy !req
597. Come on. Get out, buster!Copy !req
598. You're in a lot of trouble, lady.Copy !req
599. I got you down here
for several offenses, including...Copy !req
600. possession of a stolen vehicle,
resisting arrest...Copy !req
601. and possession of a stolen tree...
Where's the tree?Copy !req
602. - We planted it.
- You planted it.Copy !req
603. - Is this your shovel?
- Uh, no.Copy !req
604. - Possession of a stolen shovel.Copy !req
605. Don't get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious.Copy !req
606. That's the curse
of a government job.Copy !req
607. Oh, lady.Copy !req
608. Are you gonna take
a lot of time with this?Copy !req
609. - Lady, please?
- Because if you are...Copy !req
610. Will you be just quiet, please?Copy !req
611. Grab the shovel, Harold!Copy !req
612. Lady! Stop, or I'll have to shoot!Copy !req
613. I sure am picking up on vices.Copy !req
614. Vice, virtue.
It's best not to be too moral.Copy !req
615. You cheat yourself
out of too much life.Copy !req
616. Aim above morality.Copy !req
617. If you apply that to life...Copy !req
618. then you're bound to live it fully.Copy !req
619. I haven't lived.Copy !req
620. I've died a few times.Copy !req
621. What was that?Copy !req
622. Well, uh...Copy !req
623. the first time...Copy !req
624. was when I was at boarding school
in the chemistry lab.Copy !req
625. I was in there cleaning it up...Copy !req
626. so I decided I'd do
a little experimenting, you know.Copy !req
627. So I get all this stuff out
and begin mixing it up.Copy !req
628. It was very scientific.Copy !req
629. There was this massive explosion.Copy !req
630. It knocked me down
and blew out a huge hole in the floor.Copy !req
631. There was boards and bricks
and flames leapin' up.Copy !req
632. I figured, you know...Copy !req
633. time to leave.Copy !req
634. My career in school was over.Copy !req
635. So, uh, I went home.Copy !req
636. My mother was giving a party,
so I just went...Copy !req
637. right up the back stairs
and to my room...Copy !req
638. turned out the light, and, uh...Copy !req
639. I got this funny feeling.Copy !req
640. The doorbell rang.
I went out to the banister...Copy !req
641. and these two policemen came in...Copy !req
642. found my mother...Copy !req
643. and, uh, told her...Copy !req
644. that I was killed in the fire.Copy !req
645. She put one hand up
to her forehead.Copy !req
646. With the other she reached out
as if groping for support...Copy !req
647. and with this long sigh...Copy !req
648. she collapsed in their arms.Copy !req
649. I decided right then...Copy !req
650. that I enjoyed being dead.Copy !req
651. I understand.Copy !req
652. A lot of people enjoy being dead.Copy !req
653. But they're not dead, really.Copy !req
654. They're just backing away from life.Copy !req
655. Reach out. Take a chance.Copy !req
656. Get hurt, even.Copy !req
657. But play as well as ya can.Copy !req
658. Go, team, go!Copy !req
659. Give me an L, give me an I,
give me a V, give me an E.Copy !req
660. L-I-V-E, live!Copy !req
661. Otherwise you got nothin'
to talk about in the locker room.Copy !req
662. I like you, Maude.Copy !req
663. I like you, Harold.Copy !req
664. Harold is down at the garage.Copy !req
665. He has a new car,
and he's just been tuning it up.Copy !req
666. - He's very mechanical.
- What kind of car is it?Copy !req
667. - It's a little Jaguar.
- Oh.Copy !req
668. Looks like a hearse.Copy !req
669. Very nice. Compact.Copy !req
670. Edith, I'd like you to meet
my son, Harold.Copy !req
671. Harold, this is Edith...Copy !req
672. - Phern.
- Phern.Copy !req
673. Very pleased
to make your acquaintance.Copy !req
674. I think you should go
and wash up, dear...Copy !req
675. and join us in the drawing room.Copy !req
676. And what do you do, my dear?Copy !req
677. I'm a file clerk
at Harrison Feed and Grain.Copy !req
678. Well, what is it exactly
that you do?Copy !req
679. I'm in charge of all the invoices
for the southwest.Copy !req
680. - How interesting.
- We supply, for example...Copy !req
681. most of the egg farmers
in Petaluma.Copy !req
682. - So you can imagine.
- Yes.Copy !req
683. Oh, here's Harold now.Copy !req
684. Don't get up, dear.Copy !req
685. Edith has been talking about her job.Copy !req
686. - I'm a file clerk.
- Henderson Feed and Grain.Copy !req
687. Harrison.
Harrison Feed and Grain.Copy !req
688. It's at Hamilton and Fourth...Copy !req
689. and I'm in charge of all the invoices.Copy !req
690. I type up the schedule
for the trucking fleet.Copy !req
691. She supplies the whole southwest
with chicken feed.Copy !req
692. Well, not exactly
the whole southwest...Copy !req
693. although we do do
a large business.Copy !req
694. Barley was very big last week.Copy !req
695. Fifteen hundred... bushels.Copy !req
696. In view of
your recent actions, Harold...Copy !req
697. I find you have left me
with no recourse...Copy !req
698. but to listen to the solution
proposed by your uncle.Copy !req
699. Consequently,
I have instruCted him forthwith...Copy !req
700. to induct you into the service...Copy !req
701. and, for your own good,
to take up active duty...Copy !req
702. with the United States Army.Copy !req
703. And I hope they have
more luck with you than I.Copy !req
704. Maude, they're gonna draft me.Copy !req
705. Well, don't go.Copy !req
706. They'll put me in jail.Copy !req
707. Well, historically,
you'd be in very good company.Copy !req
708. Maude, can you help me?Copy !req
709. Well, with your skill
and my experience...Copy !req
710. I think we can come up
with something.Copy !req
711. Harold, I want you to look
at me like your father in this matter.Copy !req
712. Oh, I know you have no desire
to join the army, but once you're in...Copy !req
713. you'll love it.Copy !req
714. It's a great life. Look at me.Copy !req
715. A chauffeur. Respect.
Money in the bank.Copy !req
716. Oh, it has its drawbacks,
like anything else, I suppose.Copy !req
717. But the army takes care of you.Copy !req
718. And you've got a buddy for life.Copy !req
719. Good idea comin' out here, Harold.Copy !req
720. - It's a lovely spot.
- Thank you, Uncle.Copy !req
721. Call me "sir," Harold.
It's the first thing you learn in the army.Copy !req
722. An officer deserves your respect.Copy !req
723. Yes, sir.Copy !req
724. Now, let's examine the facts on it.Copy !req
725. I say this country
has been too harsh...Copy !req
726. in its outright condemnation of war.Copy !req
727. I say you can point to the many
material advantages brought about...Copy !req
728. by a crisis-and-conflict policy.Copy !req
729. - Hell, World War II gave us the ballpoint pen.Copy !req
730. During wartime,
the national suicide rate goes down.Copy !req
731. Is that a faCt?Copy !req
732. Now, why in hell
did we give up on the Germans?Copy !req
733. Since the damn politicians in Washington
chalked them up on our side...Copy !req
734. the wars ever since
have been a national disgrace.Copy !req
735. Hell, look at history.Copy !req
736. Why, the two best wars this country
ever fought were against the Jerries.Copy !req
737. I say get the Krauts on the other side
of the fence where they belong.Copy !req
738. Let's get back
to the kind of enemy worth killing...Copy !req
739. and the kind of war
this whole country can support.Copy !req
740. Wow.
That's pretty strong stuff, sir.Copy !req
741. Well, Harold, I've always been
a man who speaks his piece.Copy !req
742. Oh, it's hurt me.
I'm not liked in Washington.Copy !req
743. I know that.Copy !req
744. But I do have friends in high places.Copy !req
745. They kept falling. Zock!Copy !req
746. Joe falls back, a neat red hole
in the middle of his head.Copy !req
747. Only one thing kept going through my mind:Copy !req
748. "Kill! Kill! For Joe...Copy !req
749. and Mac and all
the rest of the guys.Copy !req
750. Kill!" And then
there was a blinding flash!Copy !req
751. And I woke up on the stretcher.Copy !req
752. "Did we hold?"
I asked the medic.Copy !req
753. "Yes, sir!" he said.Copy !req
754. And I slipped
into unconsciousness.Copy !req
755. Boy! Wow!Copy !req
756. That's a terrific story, sir.Copy !req
757. Well...Copy !req
758. you'll have stories like that to tell
of your own someday, Harold.Copy !req
759. - Do you think so, sir?
- Sure, you will.Copy !req
760. Gee, I never dreamed
it could be that... exciting.Copy !req
761. Ah, it's the most exciting thing
in the world, Harold.Copy !req
762. To pit...Copy !req
763. - your own life against another.
- Yes!Copy !req
764. To kill.Copy !req
765. The taste of blood in your mouth.Copy !req
766. The moment of truth.Copy !req
767. Another man's life in your sights!Copy !req
768. - Yes!
- Zat!Copy !req
769. - Will they really teach me to shoot?
- Sure, they will. A variety of weapons.Copy !req
770. - To use a bayonet?
- Yes!Copy !req
771. Hah!
How about hand-to-hand combat?Copy !req
772. - Yes.
- To strangle someone! Choke him!Copy !req
773. Squeeze out his life
in your own bare hands!Copy !req
774. I think you're getting
carried away, Harold.Copy !req
775. - How about to slit his throat?
- Well, I don't know about that.Copy !req
776. I'd like that. You could see the blood
squirt out. How about souvenirs?Copy !req
777. - Souvenirs?
- Of your kill.Copy !req
778. Eyes, ears, nose, scalp, privates.Copy !req
779. - Harold!
- Hey, what would be the chance...Copy !req
780. of getting one of these?Copy !req
781. Boy, to think I could maybe
make my own!Copy !req
782. - Harold, that's disgusting!
- It certainly is!Copy !req
783. - Madam, who are you?
- I am petitioning for peace.Copy !req
784. - Parasite!
- Harold!Copy !req
785. - And I came out here to speak.
- Crazy parasite!Copy !req
786. - Harold!
- Commie bastard! Get the hell out of here!Copy !req
787. Don't you talk to me like that...Copy !req
788. - you little foulmouthed degenerate!
- Traitor! BenediCt Arnold!Copy !req
789. - Remember Nathan Hale! Right, sir?
- Harold, calm down.Copy !req
790. - She's a commie pig!
- Don't you advance on me.Copy !req
791. You'll all end up like this!Copy !req
792. - Ooh! Ooh!
- Just like this!Copy !req
793. - Ooh, filth!
- Harold!Copy !req
794. Ooh! Give me that.
I'm gonna throw that...Copy !req
795. - in the sewer, where it belongs.
- Madam, please!Copy !req
796. - She took my head.
- Calm down, Harold.Copy !req
797. - She took my head! I'll kill her!
- Calm down. Harold!Copy !req
798. - I'll kill her!
- Harold!Copy !req
799. - Madam!Copy !req
800. Give back the head.
Let's have no troubles. Harold!Copy !req
801. - Madam!Copy !req
802. Harold! Damn you!Copy !req
803. Just a minute!Copy !req
804. You traitor!Copy !req
805. - I'll kill you!
- Harold!Copy !req
806. You commie bastard!Copy !req
807. - I'll kill you! You...
- Harold!Copy !req
808. Stop it! Harold! Harold!Copy !req
809. What have you done?Copy !req
810. Maude?Copy !req
811. Hmm?Copy !req
812. Do you pray?Copy !req
813. "Pray"? No.Copy !req
814. I communicate.Copy !req
815. With God?Copy !req
816. With life.Copy !req
817. - This is real nice.
- Yeah.Copy !req
818. Makes me
want to do somersaults.Copy !req
819. - Well, why don't you?
- I'd feel stupid.Copy !req
820. Harold...Copy !req
821. everyone has the right to make
an ass out of themselves.Copy !req
822. You can't let the world
judge you too much.Copy !req
823. Uh, do you care to join me
in a little cartwheel?Copy !req
824. No, I feel more like yelling.Copy !req
825. Maude...Copy !req
826. I had the most wonderful day today.Copy !req
827. And...Copy !req
828. you're very beautiful.Copy !req
829. Oh, Harold.Copy !req
830. You make me feel
like a schoolgirl.Copy !req
831. Shall I come and visit you tomorrow?
Oh, I can't.Copy !req
832. I have a luncheon, uh, date...
with a girl.Copy !req
833. - Oh.
- Well, I don't even know her.Copy !req
834. My mother arranged it.Copy !req
835. Look! Oh!Copy !req
836. Dreyfus once wrote
from Devil's Island that he would see...Copy !req
837. the most glorious birds.Copy !req
838. Many years later in Brittany...Copy !req
839. he realized
they had only been seagulls.Copy !req
840. To me they will
always be glorious birds.Copy !req
841. Now, Harold, I cannot impress
upon you too strongly...Copy !req
842. the importance of this meeting.Copy !req
843. This is the last girl, so kindly remember
that this is your third and final chance.Copy !req
844. And please try
to be serious, Harold.Copy !req
845. If not for your sake,
at least for hers.Copy !req
846. Oh, there she is.Copy !req
847. Sunshine, I'd like you
to meet Harold.Copy !req
848. Harold, this is Sunshine Doré.Copy !req
849. - Howdy... How do you do?
- Oh, I can't complain.Copy !req
850. Sunshine is an actress, Harold.Copy !req
851. - I like to think so.
- Mm, wonderful.Copy !req
852. Well, now, why don't you two
go along down...Copy !req
853. to the music room,
and I'll follow on later with some drinks?Copy !req
854. Oh, perhaps Starlight
would like a cigarette.Copy !req
855. - Ooh! "Sunshine."
- Oh, yes, of course.Copy !req
856. Sunshine.Copy !req
857. Ooh!Copy !req
858. Would you like a cigarette?Copy !req
859. No, thank you.
They stain my fingers.Copy !req
860. Is Sunshine your real name?Copy !req
861. Well, actually it was the name
of my drama teacher. Louis Sunshine.Copy !req
862. Perhaps you've heard of him.Copy !req
863. He was such an influence...Copy !req
864. on the development
of my instrument.Copy !req
865. That means "my body"
in theater talk.Copy !req
866. Doré is my real name.Copy !req
867. Well, Dorr, actually.Copy !req
868. Oh, my, what a lovely place
you have here!Copy !req
869. Oh, do you play?Copy !req
870. No.Copy !req
871. I am learning the ba...
the harmonica.Copy !req
872. Oh, is this your father?Copy !req
873. No. My Uncle Victor.Copy !req
874. He's in the army.Copy !req
875. I do so like the military,
don't you?Copy !req
876. Oh! What a wonderful
colleCtion of knives!Copy !req
877. - May I see them?
- No, no, don't touch. They're very old.Copy !req
878. Do you enjoy knives?Copy !req
879. Oh, yes.Copy !req
880. You might find this one
particularly interesting.Copy !req
881. It's a hara-kiri blade.Copy !req
882. What's hara-kiri?Copy !req
883. Sukiyaki!Copy !req
884. Oh!Copy !req
885. Harold!Copy !req
886. Oh, that was marvelous!Copy !req
887. Oh, it had the ring of truth!Copy !req
888. I played Juliet...Copy !req
889. in the Sunshine Playhouse.Copy !req
890. Louie thought it was
my best performance.Copy !req
891. What's here?Copy !req
892. A cup?
Closèd in my true love's hand?Copy !req
893. Poison, I see...Copy !req
894. hath been his timeless end.Copy !req
895. Oh, happy dagger...Copy !req
896. Oh, happy dagger...Copy !req
897. this is thy sheath.Copy !req
898. There rest...Copy !req
899. And let me die!Copy !req
900. I fall.Copy !req
901. Harold!Copy !req
902. That was your last date!Copy !req
903. That wasn't very scary.Copy !req
904. No. It had nothing
on this afternoon.Copy !req
905. Oh, come on. You loved it.Copy !req
906. - It was a new experience.Copy !req
907. You sure have a way with people.Copy !req
908. Well, they're my species.Copy !req
909. Look at these stars.Copy !req
910. Mm.Copy !req
911. Maude?Copy !req
912. Yes?Copy !req
913. - Here.Copy !req
914. A gift.Copy !req
915. "Harold loves Maude."Copy !req
916. And Maude loves Harold.Copy !req
917. This is the nicest present...Copy !req
918. that I've received in years.Copy !req
919. So I'll always know where it is.Copy !req
920. Oh, could I speak with Fay, please?Copy !req
921. Fay? Darling, I know
René will be furious, but...Copy !req
922. Well, if he knew what I had
to put up with in the last few days...Copy !req
923. - Mother?
- Not now, dear.Copy !req
924. So could you put me down
for Monday?Copy !req
925. - Mother, I'd like to talk to you for a minute.
- I'm on the phone, dear.Copy !req
926. - I'm getting married.
- What did you say?Copy !req
927. I'm getting married.Copy !req
928. Hold the line, Fay.Copy !req
929. To whom?Copy !req
930. I suppose you think
this is very funny, Harold.Copy !req
931. A sunflower.Copy !req
932. You can't be serious!Copy !req
933. Harold, your mother has spoken to me
about your marriage plan.Copy !req
934. And although normally
I have nothing against marriage...Copy !req
935. - Troop...
- I don't think this is quite...Copy !req
936. - hup!
- Uh, normal.Copy !req
937. A very common neurosis...Copy !req
938. particularly in this society...Copy !req
939. whereby the male child
subconsciously...Copy !req
940. wishes to sleep with his mother.Copy !req
941. Of course,
what puzzles me, Harold...Copy !req
942. is that you want to sleep
with your grandmother.Copy !req
943. I would be remiss in my duty...Copy !req
944. if I did not tell you...Copy !req
945. that the idea of...Copy !req
946. interCourse...Copy !req
947. the fact of your firm young...Copy !req
948. body...Copy !req
949. commingling...Copy !req
950. with the...Copy !req
951. withered flesh...Copy !req
952. sagging...Copy !req
953. breasts...Copy !req
954. and... flabby...Copy !req
955. bu...Copy !req
956. buttocks...Copy !req
957. makes me want...Copy !req
958. to vomit.Copy !req
959. Mm.Copy !req
960. Oh, Harold!Copy !req
961. It's dazzling.Copy !req
962. You've thought of everything.Copy !req
963. And champagne.Copy !req
964. It's all right. It's organic.Copy !req
965. Oh, Harold.Copy !req
966. For you.Copy !req
967. And, uh...Copy !req
968. after dinner...Copy !req
969. one more little surprise...Copy !req
970. that I hope
will make you very happy.Copy !req
971. Oh, Harold.Copy !req
972. I am happy.Copy !req
973. I couldn't imagine
a lovelier farewell.Copy !req
974. Farewell?Copy !req
975. Yes, it's my 80th birthday.Copy !req
976. Well, you're not goin' anywhere.Copy !req
977. - Are you?
- Yes, dear.Copy !req
978. I took the tablets an hour ago.Copy !req
979. I'll be gone by midnight.Copy !req
980. What?Copy !req
981. What a fuss this is. So unnecessary.Copy !req
982. Don't die, Maude, for chrissake.Copy !req
983. Oh, Harold.Copy !req
984. Don't upset yourself so.Copy !req
985. I love you!Copy !req
986. Oh, Harold.Copy !req
987. That is wonderful.Copy !req
988. Go and love some more.Copy !req
989. No.Copy !req
990. Never. Never.Copy !req