1. My name is Happy Gilmore.Copy !req
2. Ever since I was old enough
to skate, I loved hockey.Copy !req
3. I wasn't really
the greatest skater, though.Copy !req
4. But that didn't stop my dad
from teaching meCopy !req
5. the secret of smacking
the greatest slap shot.Copy !req
6. My dad worshipped hockey.
My mom didn't.Copy !req
7. That's why
she moved to Egypt,Copy !req
8. where there's not a hockey
rink within 1,500 miles.Copy !req
9. Dad always took me to games to
cheer for our favorite playerCopy !req
10. Terry O'Reilly,
the Tasmanian Devil.Copy !req
11. He wasn't the biggest guy in the league,
but he feared nobody, just like me.Copy !req
12. Handsome fellow, huh?Copy !req
13. He always said that when I grew up,
I could be anything I wanted to beCopy !req
14. but I never wanted to be
anything but a hockey player.Copy !req
15. Yeah, my childhood was going great,
but life is full of surprises.Copy !req
16. After the funeralCopy !req
17. I was sent to live with
my grandma in Waterbury.Copy !req
18. I was kind of nervous, since I
really didn't know her that wellCopy !req
19. but she dressed like Gene Simmons
from KISS to cheer me up.Copy !req
20. She's the sweetest person
in the world.Copy !req
21. See, after my dad died, I
developed kind of a short fuse.Copy !req
22. That kid right there
just stole my party blowerCopy !req
23. and instead of
asking for it backCopy !req
24. I felt I had to belt him in the head
a bunch of times with a hammer.Copy !req
25. Look at me go.Copy !req
26. But most of the time, I was
quick to say I was sorry.Copy !req
27. During high school, I played junior
hockey and still hold two league records:Copy !req
28. most time spent
in a penalty boxCopy !req
29. and I was the only guy
to ever take off his skateCopy !req
30. and try to stab somebody.Copy !req
31. After I graduated, I had
a lot of different jobs-Copy !req
32. I was a road worker,Copy !req
33. a janitor,Copy !req
34. a security guard,Copy !req
35. a gas station attendant,Copy !req
36. and a plumber.Copy !req
37. Lately, I've been working construction.
It's not a bad racket.Copy !req
38. I'm a pretty good shot
with a nail gun.Copy !req
39. But one day my boss,
Mr. Larson, got in the way.Copy !req
40. Apparently, he also has a short fuse.
Look at that monster.Copy !req
41. He got a few lucky punches in there,
but I still feel I won the fight.Copy !req
42. Anyways, those jobs
weren't for me.Copy !req
43. I was put on this planet for
one reason, to play hockey.Copy !req
44. That's my puck, baby!
Don't you ever touch my puck!Copy !req
45. Number 18.
Is that Gilmore again?Copy !req
46. How many times has this
guy tried out, anyway?Copy !req
47. At least 10 times.Copy !req
48. The guy's got
a lot of intensity.Copy !req
49. Not a real strong
skater, though.Copy !req
50. Ain't the best
puck handler, either.Copy !req
51. Man, which side
are you playing for?Copy !req
52. Yeah, but, my God...Copy !req
53. What a shot.Copy !req
54. Damn it!Copy !req
55. Is that goal
regulation size, or what?Copy !req
56. Number 1,Copy !req
57. number 52, number 16.Copy !req
58. They saw my power, man. Ain't no way
they're gonna dog me this year.Copy !req
59. Number 9Copy !req
60. and number 43.Copy !req
61. The rest of you, if your number
wasn't called, better luck next year.Copy !req
62. Hey, Coach, what's going on here, man?
What about me?Copy !req
63. Gilmore.Copy !req
64. Gilmore, I called
your number, didn't I?Copy !req
65. No,no,no, no,
you didn't.Copy !req
66. Well, better luck next year.Copy !req
67. Now, that wasn't very nice!
What are you doing?Copy !req
68. Get him off me!Copy !req
69. Somebody help me!Copy !req
70. You think you're
better than me?Copy !req
71. Hey, where are you going?
I got us Subway.Copy !req
72. I already ate.Copy !req
73. Well, I went to high school with a guy who
worked there, so we got extra meatball.Copy !req
74. Great. I got to run.
See you later.Copy !req
75. Hey, can you just stick around?
I kind of had a rough day.Copy !req
76. Bye.Copy !req
77. When are you getting back?
NeverCopy !req
78. Terry, wait!Copy !req
79. Wait! Hold on a second, babe.Copy !req
80. Yeah.Copy !req
81. You're not going for good,
are you, honey?Copy !req
82. You're going nowhere, Happy,
and you're taking me with you.Copy !req
83. All you ever talk about is being a pro
hockey player, but there's a problem.Copy !req
84. You're not any good!Copy !req
85. I am good! You know what? You're
a lousy kindergarten teacher!Copy !req
86. I've seen those finger paintings
you bring home, and they suck!Copy !req
87. I'm sorry, babe. I didn't mean that. I
think they're excellent finger paintings.Copy !req
88. Please don't go.Copy !req
89. lam not spending the rest
of my life with a loser.Copy !req
90. I'm gone.Copy !req
91. Good! Then, get the hell out of my life! Who needs you?
Beat it! Leave me alone!Copy !req
92. I'm sorry, babe.
I didn't mean that either.Copy !req
93. I just yell sometimes
'cause I get so scared,Copy !req
94. scared of being a nobody.Copy !req
95. Why don't you just
come back upstairs, honey?Copy !req
96. I'll give you the old
smoochy-smoo kissy-wissy.Copy !req
97. Hmm.Copy !req
98. You know Happy's gonna make
everything okay.Copy !req
99. I wanna kiss you all overCopy !req
100. And over and againCopy !req
101. I wanna kiss you all overCopy !req
102. Till the night closes inCopy !req
103. Till the night closes inCopy !req
104. Terry!Copy !req
105. Yeah.Copy !req
106. All right, sit tight.
I'll be right over.Copy !req
107. Hey, you no want breakfast?Copy !req
108. Grandma!Copy !req
109. Grandma!Copy !req
110. Hey, put that stuff down!
That's my grandmother's!Copy !req
111. Cut it out, kid.
We're just doing our jobs.Copy !req
112. What are you talking about?Copy !req
113. Your grandmother hasn't paid
her taxes in over a decade.Copy !req
114. What?Copy !req
115. Grandma, you didn't
pay your taxes?Copy !req
116. I would have, but I
didn't have any money.Copy !req
117. Where are you
taking all her stuff?Copy !req
118. I'm not taking her stuff, okay?
The government is.Copy !req
119. It's not like I'm taking
her stuff over to my placeCopy !req
120. or something like that, all right?
So don't get mad at me.Copy !req
121. But she's an old lady. I mean,
look at her. She's old.Copy !req
122. You can't just take her stuff.
She's too old.Copy !req
123. I'm sorry. I have no discretion here.
Her stuff is now our stuff.Copy !req
124. Well, at least we got
the house, right?Copy !req
125. I mean, I can bring furniture from my place over here.
We're gonna be okay, Grandma.Copy !req
126. Now you're really gonna be mad.
I have to take the house, too.Copy !req
127. No, look, pal, my grandfather built
this house with his bare hands.Copy !req
128. My grandma's been here over 60 years.
You can't take her house.Copy !req
129. Mrs. Gilmore owes the IRSCopy !req
130. $270,000 in back taxes.Copy !req
131. Oh, my God.
We have to take the house.Copy !req
132. And if you can't get
the money together in 90 daysCopy !req
133. we're gonna have to sell
the house to someone else.Copy !req
134. You hate me, don't you?Copy !req
135. No,no, no,
I don't hate you.Copy !req
136. He hates me.Copy !req
137. Don't worry, Grandma,
everything's going to be all right.Copy !req
138. Look at this place,
Silver Acres Rest Home.Copy !req
139. Hell, it looks more like a country
club than a nursing home.Copy !req
140. Nice grass, nice people.Copy !req
141. Now, I hope you brought your
bathing suit. Oh, Happy.Copy !req
142. I'm telling you, this place is perfect.
You're gonna make friends in no time.Copy !req
143. Mister!Copy !req
144. Get me out of here!Copy !req
145. Here, just eat that!
Leave us alone!Copy !req
146. Grandma, you don't gotta do this, you know.
You can come live with me.Copy !req
147. Nonsense, dean
You're a grown man.Copy !req
148. I wouldn't burden you like
that, and that's final.Copy !req
149. You tell me, how's that
nice girlfriend of yours?Copy !req
150. She got hit by a car.
She's dead.Copy !req
151. Look, I'm telling you,Copy !req
152. lam gonna get that $270,000 and
we're gonna get your house back.Copy !req
153. That is a promise.Copy !req
154. Oh, sure.Copy !req
155. In the meantime, just stay
here and have some fun.Copy !req
156. I will, dear.
Don't worry.Copy !req
157. Pardon me,
but it's naptime.Copy !req
158. All right, a nap,
that sounds nice.Copy !req
159. You go.
I love you.Copy !req
160. I love you too, darling.Copy !req
161. Okay, bye.
Goodbye.Copy !req
162. Hey, buddy.Copy !req
163. I want you to do me a favor.
You see that lady?Copy !req
164. She's very important to me, okay?
Okay.Copy !req
165. So I want you to take
extra-special care of her.Copy !req
166. You know what
I'm talking about here?Copy !req
167. I can't accept that, but
I'll tell you what I can do.Copy !req
168. I can take extra-special care of that
young lady over there for nothing.Copy !req
169. Okay, I appreciate that.Copy !req
170. Have a nice afternoon.Copy !req
171. Sir, could I trouble you
for a glass of warm milk?Copy !req
172. It helps put me to sleep.Copy !req
173. You could trouble me for a warm
glass of shut-the-hell-up!Copy !req
174. Now, you will go to sleep,
or I will put you to sleep.Copy !req
175. Check out the name tag. You're
in my world now, Grandma.Copy !req
176. Oh, dear.Copy !req
177. Hey, bet you I can hit
a ball past that tree.Copy !req
178. $20 says you can't.Copy !req
179. Hey, morons, I told you
I wanna watch the hockey game.Copy !req
180. Now, cut the golf sissy crap
and finish up in there.Copy !req
181. Relax.Copy !req
182. Think of it as a way to enjoy your grandma's
possessions for another half hour.Copy !req
183. Oh, my God, you got
ahold of that one!Copy !req
184. I'd like to see you try it. Yeah,
it's not as easy as it looks.Copy !req
185. Sorry, ladies,
I'm not the golfing type.Copy !req
186. I'll tell you what.
You hit a ball past my ballCopy !req
187. and we'll go straight back to work so you
can watch your precious hockey game.Copy !req
188. Give me the stupid club.Copy !req
189. Look at this stupid thing.Copy !req
190. This is gonna be hilarious. I
mean, look how he's standing.Copy !req
191. You like that?Copy !req
192. Holy shit!Copy !req
193. Go back to work.Copy !req
194. That house is like
400 yards away.Copy !req
195. Is that good?
That's unbelievable.Copy !req
196. Beginner's luck.Copy !req
197. $20 says you can't
do it again.Copy !req
198. Bring it on.Copy !req
199. You boys
are gonna pay for that!Copy !req
200. You hit that guy! He shouldn't
have been standing there.Copy !req
201. One more time.
Double or nothing.Copy !req
202. You better pay up.Copy !req
203. All right, maybe we should
get back inside.Copy !req
204. Hey, you made a bet.
Pay the man.Copy !req
205. All right!Copy !req
206. Thanks, man.
Tell your friends.Copy !req
207. Step right up, folks!
He's good.Copy !req
208. See if you can outdriveCopy !req
209. the amazing
golf ball whacker guy!Copy !req
210. That's great.Copy !req
211. Very good.Copy !req
212. Bend those knees.Copy !req
213. Remember now, it's all in the hips.
You're doing great.Copy !req
214. It's all in the hips.Copy !req
215. All right, $50 I can hit
it over the highway! Any takers?Copy !req
216. That's real good.Copy !req
217. So long, sucker.Copy !req
218. You're like a freak.Copy !req
219. How often do you play?
Never. This is my first time.Copy !req
220. Hey, you should play in the
Waterbury Open tomorrow.Copy !req
221. Yeah. Yeah, all right,
I'll see you guys there.Copy !req
222. He's gonna play.Copy !req
223. And, by God,
he's gonna win.Copy !req
224. Hey, mister, you gotta wear a helmet.
Don't worry about it.Copy !req
225. Yeah, yeah,
bring that shit on, man.Copy !req
226. Oh, God, I love it.Copy !req
227. Awesome.Copy !req
228. Oh, God, that hurt a little,
but I'm all right.Copy !req
229. Oh, my God, son, what
the hell are you doing?Copy !req
230. Three hundred and sixty-four more
days till next year's hockey tryouts.Copy !req
231. I gotta toughen up. Yeah!Copy !req
232. Oh, God, that felt good. Yeah!Copy !req
233. Come on, boy. Cut that out.
You're making me sick.Copy !req
234. Hey!Copy !req
235. So you're a hockey player, huh?
Yeah.Copy !req
236. You're gonna give that shit up.
You're gonna concentrate on golf.Copy !req
237. Who the hell are you?Copy !req
238. I'm the club pro here,
Chubbs Peterson.Copy !req
239. I'm offering to teach you how to
play golf, personally, for free.Copy !req
240. No.Copy !req
241. You have no idea who I am, do you?
No, I don't.Copy !req
242. Back in 1965,Copy !req
243. Sports Illustrated said I was going
to be the next Arnold Palmer.Copy !req
244. Yeah? And what happened?Copy !req
245. They wouldn't let me play
on the Pro Tour anymore.Copy !req
246. I'm sorry.
Because you're black?Copy !req
247. Hell, no. Damned alligator
bit my hand off.Copy !req
248. Oh, my God!
Yeah.Copy !req
249. Tournament down in Florida.Copy !req
250. I hooked my ball in the rough
down by the lake,Copy !req
251. damned alligator just popped up!
Cut me down in my prime.Copy !req
252. He got meCopy !req
253. but I tore one of that bastard's
eyes out though. Look at that.Copy !req
254. You're pretty sick, Chubbs.Copy !req
255. I have never seen anyone who can hit
that ball half as far as you can.Copy !req
256. You got real talent, kid.Copy !req
257. Well, that's nice
of you to sayCopy !req
258. but I've been training to be
a hockey player my whole life.Copy !req
259. Golf's no different from hockey.
Requires talent and self-discipline.Copy !req
260. Golf requires goofy
pants and a fat ass.Copy !req
261. You should talk to my
neighbor, the accountant.Copy !req
262. Probably a great golfer.
Huge ass.Copy !req
263. Hey, I bet your neighbor, the accountant,
can't drive the ball 400 yards.Copy !req
264. Bet your neighbor, the accountant, doesn't
have a shot to get on the Pro Tour.Copy !req
265. How would I do that?Copy !req
266. You win the Open tomorrow, you're
automatically on the Pro Tour.Copy !req
267. Then, who knows? Maybe you'll win
the Tour Championship one day.Copy !req
268. Get that gold jacket
like I never got.Copy !req
269. Gold jacket, green jacket,
who gives a shit?Copy !req
270. Don't worry about that. Made of wood.
It's real sturdy.Copy !req
271. Oh, boy. Sorry about that.Copy !req
272. Look, it was good
to meet you, but...Copy !req
273. So... All right,
I'm out of here.Copy !req
274. You know, this is not
real smart, kid.Copy !req
275. I thought you were pro material,
primed to make the big bucks.Copy !req
276. Hey, Chubbs,
what kind of big bucks?Copy !req
277. Stupid golf clubs. Why the
hell am I doing this?Copy !req
278. Must be Burt Reynolds
or something.Copy !req
279. Good morning.Copy !req
280. Son, isn't this great?Copy !req
281. Blue skies, fresh-cut grass, birds chirping.Copy !req
282. You gonna recite me a poem? Easy.Copy !req
283. Jeez, you love this golf stuff, huh?
Oh, yeah.Copy !req
284. Figure a guy your size, well, why didn't you
play a normal sport, like football?Copy !req
285. My mama wouldn't sign
the permission slip.Copy !req
286. Thought it might be
a little too dangerous.Copy !req
287. Yeah, good call.Copy !req
288. Hey, who's that?Copy !req
289. The shorter guy
on the right? Doug Thompson.Copy !req
290. He's the president
of the Tour.Copy !req
291. The other guy, Shooter McGavin,
leading money-winner this year.Copy !req
292. Hey, who's the girl?Copy !req
293. Hi, I'm Virginia Venit, Director
of Public Relations for the Tour.Copy !req
294. Of course. I've heard
you've done someCopy !req
295. really interesting things here
in Public Relations.Copy !req
296. Really? Because I'm working on a
cross-promotional thing right now...Copy !req
297. Jeez, you know what would be great?
If I could get a Pepsi.Copy !req
298. Sure.Copy !req
299. Oh, miss?
Yeah.Copy !req
300. Diet.Copy !req
301. Right.Copy !req
302. By the way,
thanks for dressing up.Copy !req
303. Hey, if I saw myself in clothes like
those, I'd have to kick my own ass.Copy !req
304. Good morning, everyone, and
welcome to the Waterbury Open.Copy !req
305. Now, before we tee off, I have
a very special treat for you.Copy !req
306. Ladies and gentlemen,
Shooter McGavin.Copy !req
307. Thank you.Copy !req
308. Thank you, Doug. You know, I saw Doug
play yesterday, and I gotta tell you,Copy !req
309. this guy spends more time in the
sand than David Hasselhoff.Copy !req
310. Let me get a little serious
on you.Copy !req
311. Now, you're all aware that today's big
winner will be invited to join the Pro TourCopy !req
312. and I just want you to knowCopy !req
313. that, although only one of you
gets to be my colleague,Copy !req
314. all of you are now my friends.Copy !req
315. Thank you.
Now go get them!Copy !req
316. Next up: Lafferty, Daniel...Copy !req
317. and Gilmore, Happy.Copy !req
318. Hey, where are you going
with those clubs, punk?Copy !req
319. Mr. Gilmore,
I'm your caddy.Copy !req
320. Oh, I'm sorry about that. No, no,
no, let me carry these, all right?Copy !req
321. They're my grandfather's.
They're pretty old.Copy !req
322. Well, what should I do then?Copy !req
323. I don't know.
Why don't you just watch meCopy !req
324. and make sure I don't do
anything stupid, okay?Copy !req
325. Mr. Gilmore, Mr. Lafferty
will be teeing off now.Copy !req
326. All right.
Good luck, buddy.Copy !req
327. Get out of the way.Copy !req
328. Where were you
on that one, dipshit?Copy !req
329. Probably the only good one
I'll hit all day, huh?Copy !req
330. Yeah.
Mr. Gilmore, you're up.Copy !req
331. All right.Copy !req
332. God damn it!Copy !req
333. Time!Copy !req
334. Relax. Just do what we talked about, huh?
Don't even look at the green.Copy !req
335. Make contact with the ball. There's
no goalie out there to block it.Copy !req
336. Remember, it's all in the hip.
Hey, hey, it's all in...Copy !req
337. Come on, work with me now.Copy !req
338. It's all in the hips.Copy !req
339. Yeah, it's all in the hips.Copy !req
340. It's all in the hips.
Get off of me!Copy !req
341. Hey, just easing
the tension, baby.Copy !req
342. Just easing the tension. Well,
ease it on someone else.Copy !req
343. What the hell?Copy !req
344. Come on. Good. Now we just
worry about putting, huh?Copy !req
345. Oh, yeah. Putting.Copy !req
346. All right, now,
remember what I said, huh?Copy !req
347. Just use your shoulders to
push the ball, not your arms.Copy !req
348. Don't break the wrist, and bring
that putter back just like...Copy !req
349. Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're confusing me.
Just let me put the ball in the hole.Copy !req
350. All right.Copy !req
351. Oh, my.Copy !req
352. Is this guy kidding?Copy !req
353. This is pathetic.Copy !req
354. Yeah!
There you go. Good shot.Copy !req
355. It's about time.
Hey, it is about time.Copy !req
356. I mean, I just couldn't get
the ball in the hole.Copy !req
357. I wanted to,
but I just couldn't do it.Copy !req
358. Hey, what are you doing?Copy !req
359. He shoots, he scores!Copy !req
360. Oh, man, that was
so much easier than putting.Copy !req
361. I should just try to get the
ball in one shot every time.Copy !req
362. Good plan.Copy !req
363. Did you see that?
Yes. Nice shot.Copy !req
364. He just got a hole in one
on a par four.Copy !req
365. I know,
I just said I saw it.Copy !req
366. I hope he wins.
He's a publicist's dream.Copy !req
367. I mean, a guy who can drive the ball
that far, he could really draw a crowd.Copy !req
368. You know what else could draw a crowd? A
golfer with an arm growing out of his ass.Copy !req
369. All right, now...Copy !req
370. you make this one in four or less
shots, you win the tournament.Copy !req
371. Four shots.Copy !req
372. Just think of it this way.Copy !req
373. Other team has pulled their
goalie, it's wide open.Copy !req
374. All you gotta do
is tap it in.Copy !req
375. I can do that.Copy !req
376. Don't worry about it.
You're still in good shape.Copy !req
377. All you gotta do is just tap it in.
Just tap it in, now.Copy !req
378. Hey, just tap it in.Copy !req
379. Just tap it in.
Just tap it in.Copy !req
380. Give it a little tappy.
Tap, tap, tap-a-roo.Copy !req
381. Grandma, Grandma,
Grandma, Grandma.Copy !req
382. All right! Yeah!Copy !req
383. He's gonna be on the Tour.
That's super.Copy !req
384. That's cute.Copy !req
385. Mr. Gilmore,
Virginia Venit.Copy !req
386. Hi, I'm PR Director for the Tour.
Nice to meet you.Copy !req
387. I just wanted to say welcome
and congratulations.Copy !req
388. I saw that hole in one on a par four.
That's gotta be some kind of record, huh?Copy !req
389. Hey, I got
a hockey record.Copy !req
390. I took my skate off
and tried to stab somebody.Copy !req
391. I'm the only guy
who ever did that.Copy !req
392. That's wonderful.Copy !req
393. I'm a little bit bummed,
though, you know.Copy !req
394. I thought we were gonna
get some money for this.Copy !req
395. Oh, well, cheer up. Next week in Portland,
the winner takes home $216,000.Copy !req
396. How about the guy
who comes in last place?Copy !req
397. $2,400.Copy !req
398. All right! So no matter what,
I'm gonna get some money.Copy !req
399. Yeah.Copy !req
400. Yeah. Well, I'll see you
next week then.Copy !req
401. All right, bye.
Bye-bye.Copy !req
402. Hey, man, I hate to admit this,
but this is my first trophy.Copy !req
403. Only problem is
that goofy golf guy on top.Copy !req
404. Maybe the guy at the trophy store could
put a little hockey guy on there.Copy !req
405. Happy, shut your trap.
All right.Copy !req
406. I gotta admit, you were
great out there today.Copy !req
407. Thank you.
But you weren't that great.Copy !req
408. A lot of that was luck.Copy !req
409. Well, some might call it luck.
I like to call it,Copy !req
410. well, luck, I guess.
So what?Copy !req
411. So I want you to put off joining
the Pro Tour for a while.Copy !req
412. We got a lot of work to do
before you go out thereCopy !req
413. and compete with those
real professionals.Copy !req
414. Forget it, Chubbs,
I learned a lot today.Copy !req
415. I'll pick up the rest
as I go along.Copy !req
416. Stop being a damn fool!Copy !req
417. People would kill to be able
to hit the long ball like you.Copy !req
418. You got an advantage over any man
that walks out onto the tee.Copy !req
419. All we need to do is develop
the rest of your game.Copy !req
420. Then, you'd be
unstoppable, son.Copy !req
421. You're probably right, but I
just can't wait. I need money.Copy !req
422. That's spoken like a true asshole.
Look, just give me six months.Copy !req
423. I'll work with you every day.Copy !req
424. No,no,no,no,no, no, I got to go. I
appreciate everything. Wish me luck.Copy !req
425. Best of luck, kid.
Best of luck.Copy !req
426. Marty, if you'd stop yapping your
trap for a second, I could tell you.Copy !req
427. The price is
$200 per quilt.Copy !req
428. Yeah, well, this is handmade
quality shit we're talking here.Copy !req
429. Yes, well, when do you
need them by? All right.Copy !req
430. Good doing business with you.Copy !req
431. Okay, listen up everybody. Turn
up your volumes. Announcement.Copy !req
432. I got good news. We're extending arts
and crafts time by 4 hours today.Copy !req
433. My fingers hurt.Copy !req
434. What's that?Copy !req
435. My fingers hurt.Copy !req
436. Now your back's gonna hurt, 'cause
you just pulled landscaping duty.Copy !req
437. Anybody else's fingers hurt?Copy !req
438. I didn't think so.Copy !req
439. Why do you
do that to me, huh?Copy !req
440. Why do you make me act like that
in front of everybody, huh?Copy !req
441. Mr. Gilmore! Hey, toidy's
straight down to the right, dear.Copy !req
442. How's my grandma?
She's super.Copy !req
443. We're just enjoying some arts
and crafts time right now.Copy !req
444. Grandma's quite a quilter.Copy !req
445. Hey. Wow, that's a
tremendous looking trophy.Copy !req
446. Happy, I'm so glad to see you. I'm
glad to see you, too, Grandma.Copy !req
447. I've been thinking
about you all the time.Copy !req
448. Looks like everybody's
having fun here, huh?Copy !req
449. Yeah.Copy !req
450. Grandma, good news. I made the
Professional Golfers' Tour.Copy !req
451. That's lovely, dear.
Yeah, it is lovely.Copy !req
452. You know what else
is lovely?Copy !req
453. If I can figure out a way
to beat those other guys,Copy !req
454. we're gonna get
the house back.Copy !req
455. Oh, thank God!Copy !req
456. I can't stand to live
in this place another minute.Copy !req
457. What are you talking about?
I thought you like it here.Copy !req
458. That orderly guy seems very nice.
Don't you like him?Copy !req
459. Oh, I do. I do.
It's just...Copy !req
460. Well, the air conditioner's broken.
I'm getting a little warm.Copy !req
461. Well, just let the kid
fix it for you.Copy !req
462. All right,
got the little twisty knobs.Copy !req
463. That ain't doing it.
All right.Copy !req
464. Mister! Mister!Copy !req
465. Get this off of me! Mister!Copy !req
466. Hang on, I'll be right down!Copy !req
467. You know that "mister, mister" lady?
I think I just killed her.Copy !req
468. What'd you expect? Norman spends more
time in the sand than David Hasselhoff.Copy !req
469. Come on, that's funny. Yeah, it was
funny the first time I heard it.Copy !req
470. Drink up, would you? Hey, anybody
tapped a keg yet? I'll pump.Copy !req
471. Right. I'm Happy Gilmore. What's up?
Hey, Happy, Mark Lye.Copy !req
472. Welcome to the Tour.
Thanks.Copy !req
473. Yeah, I heard about that ace you had on that par four.
Man, that's impressive.Copy !req
474. You heard about that?
Yeah.Copy !req
475. That's cool.
That's a nice jacket.Copy !req
476. Yeah, it is, isn't it? They give you
one if you win the Tour Championship.Copy !req
477. Oh, yeah?
What's that?Copy !req
478. Just only the biggest
tournament of the year.Copy !req
479. Oh, really?
Yeah.Copy !req
480. Where's yours?Copy !req
481. That's good. It is a good one.
He's a funny guy.Copy !req
482. I'll have mine in, what,
three months, guys? Yeah.Copy !req
483. Not if I have anything
to do with it, you won't.Copy !req
484. Whoa, look out.Copy !req
485. You better
look out boys.Copy !req
486. Hey, if you're not doing
anything laterCopy !req
487. why don't you join us
at 9:00 on the 9th green?Copy !req
488. What happens there?
That's a secret of the pros.Copy !req
489. All right, cool.
Thanks, man.Copy !req
490. All right,
I'm out of here.Copy !req
491. I hear that Asteroids machine
calling my name from the game room.Copy !req
492. So, peace.Copy !req
493. Oh, and Happy?
Dress nice, huh?Copy !req
494. All right,
all right.Copy !req
495. Almost 9:00.Copy !req
496. Hey, public relations lady, you
see Shooter McGavin around?Copy !req
497. No. Why?Copy !req
498. I just need to beat
the living piss out of him.Copy !req
499. Wait. Let me guess, the old
"9th green at 9:00" trick, huh?Copy !req
500. It would appear so,
now wouldn't it?Copy !req
501. You're right.
He does deserve a beating.Copy !req
502. But if you beat him up tonight,
I've got to get up in the morningCopy !req
503. and explain to the papers why the new guy
on the Tour beat up Shooter McGavin.Copy !req
504. So you see you'd really
be making more work for me.Copy !req
505. I wouldn't want to do that.Copy !req
506. Listen, don't worry about Shooter.
He's just threatened by you.Copy !req
507. He's worried you're gonna
steal some of his thunder.Copy !req
508. That's nice of
you to say.Copy !req
509. So, all right, I'm gonna
go change now. Okay.Copy !req
510. Hey, my girlfriend's dead, you know. She
fell off a cliff and died on impact.Copy !req
511. Really? I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah.Copy !req
512. You know, you should
get some sleep, Gilmore.Copy !req
513. Tomorrow's a big day.Copy !req
514. You're right. It is.Copy !req
515. Hello, everybody. I'm Verne
Lundquist along with Jack Beard.Copy !req
516. Looks like we're going to have a nice crowd
here on this sun-sational April morningCopy !req
517. for the 22nd annual
AT&T Invitational.Copy !req
518. The field includes a group of elite
golfers from around the world.Copy !req
519. The favorite has to be Shooter McGavin.
He's won three of the last four.Copy !req
520. Thanks, man.Copy !req
521. Hey, here's my last $1.Copy !req
522. This is the last time
I'm gonna tell you.Copy !req
523. Come on, he's just trying to make some money.
Leave him alone.Copy !req
524. I don't know what it is about
this big winning streak I'm on.Copy !req
525. I'm in the zone. What can I say?
The hole just seems to get bigger.Copy !req
526. How does it feel
to be the favorite?Copy !req
527. I certainly don't think
I'm the favorite.Copy !req
528. With all great players here today,
it's really anyone's tournament.Copy !req
529. I'm just trying to do
the best I can out there.Copy !req
530. I tell you, the real winner
today's the city of Portland.Copy !req
531. Every time I come here,
it gets harder to leave.Copy !req
532. I think you guys put
something in the water.Copy !req
533. Excuse me, I gotta go
play a little golf.Copy !req
534. Good luck.
Thanks.Copy !req
535. Hi, I'm a hockey player,
but I'm playing golf today.Copy !req
536. Name?
Happy Gilmore.Copy !req
537. Oh, the guy with
the long drive.Copy !req
538. What's your caddy's name? You
guys haven't given me one yet.Copy !req
539. On the Pro Tour,
you provide your own caddy.Copy !req
540. Really?Copy !req
541. All right.Copy !req
542. Hey, easy with those clubs,
all right? They're antiques.Copy !req
543. Gary Potter. Great to have
you on the Tour, Happy.Copy !req
544. I feel a lot of solid energy
coming out of you.Copy !req
545. Good positive aura.
Great, great, it's all great.Copy !req
546. Yeah, yeah.
Nice to meet you, man.Copy !req
547. Is it always like this, with the TV
cameras, and the people, and stuff?Copy !req
548. Yeah, a lot of pressure.
You gotta rise above it.Copy !req
549. You gotta harness in the good
energy, block out the bad.Copy !req
550. Harness energy,
block bad.Copy !req
551. Feel the flow, Happy.
Feel it. It's circular.Copy !req
552. It's like a carousel. You pay the
quarter, you get on the horse.Copy !req
553. It goes up and down
and around.Copy !req
554. Circular. Circle.
With the music, the flow.Copy !req
555. All good things.Copy !req
556. Yeah, all right. Well, great. Thanks a lot.
Nice to meet you, man.Copy !req
557. Psycho.Copy !req
558. Next to tee off,
Happy Gilmore.Copy !req
559. All right,
give me a club.Copy !req
560. I'll get it.Copy !req
561. Sorry.Copy !req
562. Psycho.Copy !req
563. What a shot
by Happy Gilmore!Copy !req
564. Who the hell is Happy Gilmore?
I don't know.Copy !req
565. 0. yeah!Copy !req
566. You like that, baby?Copy !req
567. Plenty more where that
came from! Yeah!Copy !req
568. Get Virginia Venit
in here, immediately.Copy !req
569. I think you should
use a five iron.Copy !req
570. You think so?
Give me my wedge.Copy !req
571. Five iron, huh? Well,
you're fired. Bye-bye.Copy !req
572. What are you doing,
Happy, riding a bull?Copy !req
573. You're acting like
a damn fool!Copy !req
574. Doing the bull dance. Feeling the flow.
Working it. Working it.Copy !req
575. On the 18th greenCopy !req
576. Shooter McGavin is putting
for the win.Copy !req
577. Maybe it's just me, but his crowd seems
unusually small for this type of moment.Copy !req
578. I think most people
have found their wayCopy !req
579. over to Happy Gilmore.Copy !req
580. He's been the talk of the course
today, with his huge drivesCopy !req
581. and his amazingly
bizarre behavior.Copy !req
582. He's on the 17th green right now, having
a little trouble closing out his day.Copy !req
583. Happy, the ball itself
has its own energyCopy !req
584. or life force, if you will.Copy !req
585. Its natural environment
is in the hole.Copy !req
586. So why don't you
send him home?Copy !req
587. His bags are packed.
He's got his airplane tickets.Copy !req
588. Bring him to the airport.Copy !req
589. Send him home.Copy !req
590. Yeah. Send him home.Copy !req
591. I'll just send him home.Copy !req
592. It's time to go home
there, ball.Copy !req
593. You son of a bitch, ball!Copy !req
594. Why didn't you just go home?
That's your home!Copy !req
595. Are you too good for your home?
Answer me!Copy !req
596. Suck my white ass, ball!Copy !req
597. Hey!
Hey, look out!Copy !req
598. Virginia, put out
a press release concerningCopy !req
599. Happy Gilmore
being thrown off the Tour.Copy !req
600. I want to see a draft
by 6:00 p.m.Copy !req
601. You're right.
He was out of line.Copy !req
602. His behavior is
completely unacceptable.Copy !req
603. But, you know, golf has been
waiting for a player like this.Copy !req
604. A colorful, emotional,
working-class hero.Copy !req
605. I will not tolerate behavior like this.
Gilmore is gone.Copy !req
606. I just got a call
from the Dallas Open.Copy !req
607. Their phones have been ringing off the
hook with people who want to see Happy.Copy !req
608. They just sold out.
Already?Copy !req
609. I know, he's a little rough around
the edges, but let me work with him.Copy !req
610. Okay-Copy !req
611. Fine. But he's
your responsibility.Copy !req
612. If he cleans up his act,
he can stay.Copy !req
613. If he doesn't,
it's your ass.Copy !req
614. And any more of thisCopy !req
615. and he's gone.Copy !req
616. Shooter!
Shooter!Copy !req
617. What do you think of
Happy Gilmore?Copy !req
618. I didn't get a chance to see him play.
I was too busy winning.Copy !req
619. You gotta admit, though, it's a
hell of a drive. 450 yards, huh?Copy !req
620. Yeah, how did he finish,
again? Dead last?Copy !req
621. Yeah, yeah. He had a good day though.
Thanks.Copy !req
622. Is it true that he made
a 450-yard hole in one?Copy !req
623. Hey, where's my check? We'll be
mailing them out next week, sir.Copy !req
624. No, no, I want mine now. I
don't have any checks to give.Copy !req
625. Well, that guy got one, right? Give me
one of them big ones, I don't care.Copy !req
626. Hiya, pal. How about a beer?
Hey, put that on my tab.Copy !req
627. That was quite a show
you put on today, Gilmore.Copy !req
628. You were the talk of the tournament.
Wow, thanks a lot.Copy !req
629. Yeah. You really crushed that ball
off the tee, I'll tell you what.Copy !req
630. You know, you'd be something in
one of those long-drive contests.Copy !req
631. You can probably get a very good living,
traveling around, hustling at driving ranges.Copy !req
632. Thanks, Phil.
That's, that's, that's...Copy !req
633. You know, I know what you're doing
right now, and I don't like it.Copy !req
634. So why don't you just shut your
trap before I put my foot in it.Copy !req
635. Don't turn your back on me.Copy !req
636. Let's get one thing straight,
this is Shooter's tour.Copy !req
637. I've worked hard my whole life, paid
my dues, and now, it's Shooter's turn.Copy !req
638. And Shooter's not about to let his reign
at the top be spoiled by some freakCopy !req
639. sideshow clown.Copy !req
640. Did you just
call me a freak?Copy !req
641. I was on this tour
for one reason, money.Copy !req
642. But now I got a new reason,
kicking your ass.Copy !req
643. Well, I'd like to
see you try.Copy !req
644. Let's do it.Copy !req
645. I meant on a golf course.Copy !req
646. Hey. Hey, what is
going on here, huh?Copy !req
647. I was just looking for the
other half of this bottle.Copy !req
648. And... Oh, there's some of it.
There's some, right there, too.Copy !req
649. Why don't you just put it down?
Yeah, I know.Copy !req
650. Just stay out of my way, or you'll pay.
Listen to what I say.Copy !req
651. How about I just
go eat some hay?Copy !req
652. I could make things out of
clay and lay by the bay.Copy !req
653. I just may.
What do you say?Copy !req
654. You better calm down or
you're gonna get kicked off this Tour.Copy !req
655. That can't happen.Copy !req
656. Yes, it can happen,
and I don't want it to happen.Copy !req
657. You could be
a big star on the Tour.Copy !req
658. I don't wanna be a big star,
I wanna make some money.Copy !req
659. You're not going to be around
long enough to make moneyCopy !req
660. unless you start behaving.Copy !req
661. All right, take it easy. What
do you mean by "behaving"?Copy !req
662. I mean, no swearing,
no throwing clubsCopy !req
663. and especially
no hitting other players.Copy !req
664. Oh, good, you mean no fun.
No,no, no.Copy !req
665. No, you can have fun.Copy !req
666. And that's why I think people
are gonna come to see you.Copy !req
667. But you've got to
keep it within reason.Copy !req
668. All right, I will work on
what you call "behaving."Copy !req
669. But I ain't gonna
act like a stiff out there.Copy !req
670. Fine. Thank you.Copy !req
671. What are doing now?
You wanna get some food?Copy !req
672. No thanks.
I don't date golfers.Copy !req
673. Good, 'cause
I'm a hockey player.Copy !req
674. Just behave, okay?Copy !req
675. Happy Gilmore makes
his way to the teeCopy !req
676. in the 72nd annual
Cleveland Classic.Copy !req
677. Hey, Happy Gilmore!
Drive it 400 yards!Copy !req
678. Oh, my God. I mean,
I can't believe I have fans.Copy !req
679. I've been waiting
my whole life for this.Copy !req
680. Uh-oh.Copy !req
681. Don't be alarmed,
Mr. Gilmore.Copy !req
682. I know we had our problems,
but I'm truly proud of you.Copy !req
683. Hey, thanks a lot,
Mr. Larson.Copy !req
684. It's good to see you again.Copy !req
685. How's that thing feeling?Copy !req
686. Terrific. The nail
comes out next week.Copy !req
687. Well, you can
hardly even notice it.Copy !req
688. Let's make a little
noise here, huh?Copy !req
689. Come on! I can't hear you!Copy !req
690. Trying to reach the green
from here, Shooter?Copy !req
691. That's not possible, sir.Copy !req
692. I beg to differ.Copy !req
693. Happy Gilmore accomplished that
feat no more than an hour ago.Copy !req
694. Well, moron, good for Happy Gilmore...
Oh, my God!Copy !req
695. Oh, my God.Copy !req
696. Come on.Copy !req
697. Hey, Shooter, haven't
you forgotten your nine iron?Copy !req
698. Quite a large and economically diverse
crowd here at the Michelob Invitational.Copy !req
699. I guess it's the new tour
sensation, Happy Gilmore,Copy !req
700. who's attracting all sorts of
people to this beautiful course.Copy !req
701. Jack, I think I even saw
one guy wearing one of thoseCopy !req
702. beer-dispensing
plastic helmets.Copy !req
703. Damn you people.
Go back to your shanties.Copy !req
704. This is a biggie, pal. Time's ticking away.
I got to make some real money.Copy !req
705. What do you think?
Slightly downhill?Copy !req
706. And slanting left.Copy !req
707. No, no, it just seems that way
'cause you only got one shoe on.Copy !req
708. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
709. You got the ball?Copy !req
710. Happy Gilmore
from nine feet.Copy !req
711. Here comes the putter throw.Copy !req
712. Wait. He's restrained himself.
Maybe this is a new Happy Gilmore.Copy !req
713. Very good.
Yeah.Copy !req
714. Another tournament in Dallas, and
another Shooter McGavin victory.Copy !req
715. He's now won here
three years in a row.Copy !req
716. That son of a bitch!Copy !req
717. Give me my ball! Give it here!
Cough it up, you dirty bastard!Copy !req
718. I swear to God, I'll rip it out of you!
Give me the...Copy !req
719. Give me the ball, alligator.Copy !req
720. You've got one eye.Copy !req
721. Chubbs.Copy !req
722. You took his hand.Copy !req
723. That Happy Gilmore, he's a
real crack-up, isn't he?Copy !req
724. Yeah.
I mean, he's a hoot!Copy !req
725. Well, he's bringing in
some big crowds. Yeah.Copy !req
726. You know, what was great today,
one of his fans mooned meCopy !req
727. and had "Happy"
written on his ass.Copy !req
728. "Ha" on the one cheek, and then, sure
enough, "P-P-Y" right there on the other.Copy !req
729. I think it's great
what he's doing for the sport.Copy !req
730. Well, yeah, I'm beginning
to come around.Copy !req
731. Yeah, everyone seems
to be coming around.Copy !req
732. Well, I'm not, Doug!Copy !req
733. This man is destroying golf.Copy !req
734. I saw two big, fat, naked bikers,
in the woods off 17, having sex.Copy !req
735. How am I supposed to chip
with that going on, Doug?Copy !req
736. You've got to kick him off the Tour.
He's not breaking any rules.Copy !req
737. And until he does... But
he's a disgrace to the game!Copy !req
738. You may be right,
but our ratings are upCopy !req
739. and we're attracting new,
youthful sponsors.Copy !req
740. I'm sorry, Shooter.Copy !req
741. There's nothing I can do.Copy !req
742. Well, I guess I'll have to
take care of this myself.Copy !req
743. Grandma, I came in ninth place.
I won $35,000.Copy !req
744. So we'll get the house back?Copy !req
745. As long as I don't come in last
place in the next two tournaments,Copy !req
746. we'll get the money in time.Copy !req
747. That's wonderful, Happy.Copy !req
748. I love you, Grandma. Bye.Copy !req
749. Goodbye, darling.Copy !req
750. Hey, Virginia.Copy !req
751. You know we should go on that date.
I have been pretty good lately.Copy !req
752. Oh, really? What is
this I hear about youCopy !req
753. breaking a rake and
throwing it into the woods?Copy !req
754. What? I didn't break it. I was
just testing its durability.Copy !req
755. And then I placed it in the
woods because it's made of woodCopy !req
756. and I just thought
he should be with his family.Copy !req
757. At least I didn't
punch anybody.Copy !req
758. All right. Okay, we'll go on a date.
But just as friends, all right?Copy !req
759. Yeah, just as friends. Slow down. I
don't want to be more than friends.Copy !req
760. I just met you.Copy !req
761. They fit you okay?Copy !req
762. Yeah, I haven't skated
since I was a little kid so...Copy !req
763. Hey, pal, can we
get a little time here?Copy !req
764. For Happy Gilmore, anything.
Thanks.Copy !req
765. You used to play ice hockey?
Shut up.Copy !req
766. Oh, my God, power failure.Copy !req
767. It's getting very
scary in here.Copy !req
768. Did you set this up?
No.Copy !req
769. I thought we were
gonna be just friends.Copy !req
770. What? Friends listen to
Endless Love in the dark.Copy !req
771. This song reminds me
of seventh grade.Copy !req
772. This song reminds me
of my grandmother.Copy !req
773. That's kind of weird.Copy !req
774. She took me
to see this movie.Copy !req
775. I, like, got the biggest
crush on Brooke Shields.Copy !req
776. Really?
Yeah.Copy !req
777. And my grandma told me I should write
her a letter, you know, so I did.Copy !req
778. And I got a letter back from
Brooke like two weeks laterCopy !req
779. but it was in my
grandmother's handwriting.Copy !req
780. Your grandma sounds sweet.Copy !req
781. She is sweet. That's why
I feel so terrible.Copy !req
782. Why?Copy !req
783. No, no, forget it.Copy !req
784. No,no, no. It's okay,
you can tell me.Copy !req
785. It's just she's stuck
in a damn nursing home.Copy !req
786. The IRS repossessed
her house.Copy !req
787. That's awful.Copy !req
788. That's why I
joined the TourCopy !req
789. and I'm pretty close to
getting her house back but...Copy !req
790. Look, don't tell anybody about
this, I'm kind of embarrassed.Copy !req
791. Don't worry.
I won't tell anybody.Copy !req
792. Hey, I'll make you a bet.Copy !req
793. Do you always carry a puck around?
Yeah.Copy !req
794. All right, now, if you get that
puck in that net over there,Copy !req
795. I'll never
bother you again.Copy !req
796. But if you missCopy !req
797. you gotta give me
a big, fat kiss.Copy !req
798. And you got to pretend
that you like it, too.Copy !req
799. Really?Copy !req
800. Good luck.Copy !req
801. Holy shit.Copy !req
802. Talk about your
all-time backfires.Copy !req
803. Happy-Copy !req
804. I didn't see it go in.Copy !req
805. Welcome to
soggy San Francisco,Copy !req
806. the site of this year's
Pepsi Pro-Am.Copy !req
807. How you doing Happy?
I'm Bob Barker.Copy !req
808. Wow, what an honor.
Nice to meet you.Copy !req
809. Looks like you and I are gonna
be playing together today.Copy !req
810. That's funny. Who am I
really playing with?Copy !req
811. This is a Pro-Am, Happy.Copy !req
812. Each golfer is playing
with a celebrity. Wow.Copy !req
813. You know, Nick Faldo and I
won this thing last yearCopy !req
814. and I'd like to win it
again this year.Copy !req
815. All right,
I'll do my best.Copy !req
816. Hey, Gilmore?Copy !req
817. You suck,
you jackass.Copy !req
818. Why don't you
shut the hell up?Copy !req
819. I'd love to punch that guy
in the face right nowCopy !req
820. but I can't, you know,
because I'd get in trouble.Copy !req
821. I bet you got a lot of that
on Let's Make A Deal.Copy !req
822. It's The Price Is Right,
Happy-Copy !req
823. Oh, yeah. Sorry.Copy !req
824. It happens. Let's play some golf.
Okay.Copy !req
825. Jackass.Copy !req
826. The club went further
than the ball.Copy !req
827. What the hell was
that all about?Copy !req
828. It's just that, you know, it's
rainy, and that guy, and it just...Copy !req
829. It just slipped.Copy !req
830. You're gonna need a blanket
and suntan lotionCopy !req
831. 'cause you're never gonna
get off that beach!Copy !req
832. Just the way you never got
into the NHL, you jackass!Copy !req
833. The green's that way.
You're...Copy !req
834. You will not make this
putt, you jackass.Copy !req
835. Nice shooting, soldier.Copy !req
836. All right, Happy,Copy !req
837. nice and easy.Copy !req
838. That was not nice and easy.Copy !req
839. That guy's driving me crazy.Copy !req
840. You know what's driving me crazy? You
not getting the ball in the hole.Copy !req
841. Don't push me, Bob.
Now's not the time.Copy !req
842. Jackass.Copy !req
843. This guy sucks.Copy !req
844. We haven't seen Happy Gilmore play this
badly since his first day on Tour.Copy !req
845. He and Bob Barker
are now dead last.Copy !req
846. I can't believe you're
a professional golfer.Copy !req
847. I think you should be working
at the snack bar.Copy !req
848. You better relax, Bob.Copy !req
849. There is no way that you could have been
as bad at hockey as you are at golf.Copy !req
850. All right, let's go.Copy !req
851. You like that, old man?
You want a piece of me?Copy !req
852. I don't want a piece of you.
I want the whole thing!Copy !req
853. Now you're gonna
get it, Bobby!Copy !req
854. Happy!Copy !req
855. The price is wrong, bitch.Copy !req
856. I think you've had enough.Copy !req
857. No?Copy !req
858. Now you've had enough.Copy !req
859. Bitch.Copy !req
860. Wow, that couldn't
have gone any better.Copy !req
861. Instead of hitting you,
he hits Bob Barker. Yeah.Copy !req
862. Perfect.Copy !req
863. We're good, huh? So, I'll see you
at the next tournament, right?Copy !req
864. Oh, no, that won't be necessary. This
was on national TV. Gilmore's gone.Copy !req
865. Well, look, let's get something to eat.
There's a Red Lobster nearby. My treat.Copy !req
866. Maybe some other time.Copy !req
867. Shooter, I thought we were
gonna be friends.Copy !req
868. Oh, we're friends, we are.
I just got to go.Copy !req
869. Okay, well, I'll be at the Red Lobster
in case you change your mind, Shooter.Copy !req
870. God bless!Copy !req
871. There you are.Copy !req
872. Hey, Happy Gilmore,
come on down!Copy !req
873. Thank you, Shooter.
Sit down Mr. Gilmore.Copy !req
874. So you had a fight with a game
show host on national TV.Copy !req
875. I don't consider
that entertainment.Copy !req
876. This is not hockey, Mr. Gilmore, no
matter how much you want it to be.Copy !req
877. I know that and I'm sorry,
okay, but it wasn't my fault.Copy !req
878. There was some guy out there
giving me crapCopy !req
879. and it took every ounce
of my energy not to hit him.Copy !req
880. So you decided to
head-butt Bob Barker.Copy !req
881. Who won that fight, anyway?
That's enough, Shooter.Copy !req
882. The board is taking
the following action.Copy !req
883. You'll be fined $25,000
and suspended for one month.Copy !req
884. Suspended! I got to play!
Suspended!Copy !req
885. Doug, kick him
off the Tour.Copy !req
886. Well, the board thinks that
that might be extremeCopy !req
887. considering the fact
that our ratings were theCopy !req
888. highest that we've ever had.Copy !req
889. Doug, look, my grandmother's
house got repossessed.Copy !req
890. If I can't make some prize
money in the next tournamentCopy !req
891. they could sell it
to somebody else.Copy !req
892. Well, whoop-de-doo.
Get out.Copy !req
893. I don't wanna hear it.
It's over.Copy !req
894. My grandmother's never
gonna see her house again.Copy !req
895. Yeah, but you've made a lot of money.
You could get her a really nice condo.Copy !req
896. My grandfather didn't build any
condos with his bare hands.Copy !req
897. God damn it,
I hate that Bob Barker.Copy !req
898. Okay, there has got be another
way to get the $50,000.Copy !req
899. I don't even want to talk
about it anymore, all right?Copy !req
900. I failed, okay?Copy !req
901. Let me just sit here and enjoy the one
thing that makes me a little bit happy,Copy !req
902. this fresh, delicious, tasty,Copy !req
903. meaty, turkey-filled...Copy !req
904. Cold Cut Combo. I eat three every
day to help keep me strong.Copy !req
905. He)', Happy,
can I have one of those?Copy !req
906. Coming right UP!Copy !req
907. Talk about a hole in one.Copy !req
908. Subway sandwiches
will drive away your hunger.Copy !req
909. What do you think, Grandma Gilmore?
I love it.Copy !req
910. And he looks so handsome.
And it makes me hungry.Copy !req
911. Oh, really? Well, they gave me this card.
it gives us free Subway for life.Copy !req
912. That's lovely, dear.Copy !req
913. Lovely. You know
what else is lovely?Copy !req
914. That commercial
put us up to $275,000.Copy !req
915. Let's go get your house back.
Oh, Happy.Copy !req
916. What the hell?Copy !req
917. Hey!Copy !req
918. What's going on here? I'm glad you made it.
This is very exciting.Copy !req
919. We're gonna auction off
your grandmother's house.Copy !req
920. Hey, hold it. You said if we got the money
by today, we could buy the house back.Copy !req
921. Right, you can buy
the house back.Copy !req
922. Bidding will start at $100,00.
100, do I hear the 100?Copy !req
923. This is the exciting part.
Have fun.Copy !req
924. Look at all these people.
What's going on, Happy?Copy !req
925. 175, thank you,
and a two. Two now.Copy !req
926. Oh, my God. They're
auctioning off the house.Copy !req
927. No,no, no,
this could be good.Copy !req
928. We'll get the house back
cheaper than we thought.Copy !req
929. 250 and 225, thank you.
50,l have.Copy !req
930. Maybe not. 275!Copy !req
931. And 275, new bidder in the middle.
And a three. Three, now.Copy !req
932. 350!
350 down front, and a 375.Copy !req
933. I have 350 down front,
and a 75. 75, anywhere?Copy !req
934. At $350,000 down front, sold to the
gentleman with the white sweater.Copy !req
935. What just happened, Happy?Copy !req
936. Go wait in the car, Grandma.Copy !req
937. Hey! What the hell
is the matter with you?Copy !req
938. Well, real estate speculation
is a hobby of mine.Copy !req
939. You lay another finger on me,Copy !req
940. I burn the house down
and piss on the ashes.Copy !req
941. What do you want
for it, Shooter?Copy !req
942. You know what I want.
You off the Tour.Copy !req
943. Quit, and the house is yours.Copy !req
944. Fine. I quit.
Oh, no, he doesn't.Copy !req
945. Happy, I need to talk to you. What?
He's a jerk, but he's right.Copy !req
946. I don't belong in this sport.
I'm a hockey player.Copy !req
947. Oh, really? What team
do you play for? Easy.Copy !req
948. Face it, Happy.
You are a golfer.Copy !req
949. Look, I did this so I could
get Grandma's house back.Copy !req
950. Now I can. No regrets.Copy !req
951. What do you think
Grandma wants more:Copy !req
952. to get her house back or to
see her grandson succeed?Copy !req
953. Yeah, maybe there's
a way she can have both.Copy !req
954. Hey, Shooter.
Yeah.Copy !req
955. Tour Championship's next week, right?
That's right.Copy !req
956. If I beat you, I get the house back.
You beat me, I'll quit.Copy !req
957. You're gonna beat me?
At golf?Copy !req
958. Oh, you're on.Copy !req
959. You're in big trouble though, pal. I eat
pieces of shit like you for breakfast.Copy !req
960. You eat pieces of shit
for breakfast?Copy !req
961. No.Copy !req
962. That was great. I know you
are gonna kick his ass.Copy !req
963. Yeah, that makes one of us.Copy !req
964. All right, look, take care of Grandma.
I can walk from here.Copy !req
965. Where are you going? I got
to learn how to play golf.Copy !req
966. I'm stupid, you're smart.Copy !req
967. I was wrong, you were right.Copy !req
968. You're the best,
I'm the worst.Copy !req
969. You're very good-looking,
I'm not attractive.Copy !req
970. All right, as long as
you're willing to admit that.Copy !req
971. Now, are you ready to get down to business
and do exactly what I tell you to do?Copy !req
972. Believe me, I'm ready.Copy !req
973. Then let's get to work.
All right.Copy !req
974. I'm sorry. Here.Copy !req
975. Here's your pinky.Copy !req
976. Hey, Happy Land,
just like me.Copy !req
977. Don't get excited, kid.
I've been here before.Copy !req
978. This is embarrassing. I'm a
professional golfer, for God's sake.Copy !req
979. No, it's your short game that's embarrassing.
Come on, let's go.Copy !req
980. Okay-Copy !req
981. This time, just line up your putt.
Don't even look at the hole.Copy !req
982. Aim for a spot six inches
in front of the ball.Copy !req
983. Line up a spot six inches
in front of the ball.Copy !req
984. Okay. Six inches.
Yes!Copy !req
985. All right,
this one's very tough.Copy !req
986. He's laughing,
he's having a good time.Copy !req
987. Good for you. Yeah, laugh it up.
Enjoy your night.Copy !req
988. Come on, Happy,
concentrate.Copy !req
989. I hate that clown.
Easy.Copy !req
990. If you can't beat the clown, how
you gonna beat Shooter McGavin?Copy !req
991. Yeah!Copy !req
992. You're gonna die, clown!Copy !req
993. You think that's funny?
I don't hear you laughing now!Copy !req
994. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Enough, enough.Copy !req
995. What? I can't do it!Copy !req
996. Come with me, Happy.Copy !req
997. Come on!Copy !req
998. Fuck, you stupid clown!
Come on.Copy !req
999. Remember, now,
this isn't hockey.Copy !req
1000. You don't play
with raw emotion.Copy !req
1001. You can't putt angry.Copy !req
1002. You have to clear your mind of
everything else, and stay focused.Copy !req
1003. Now how the hell
am I gonna do that?Copy !req
1004. Think of a place
that's really perfect.Copy !req
1005. Your own happy place.Copy !req
1006. Go there, and all your
anger will just disappear.Copy !req
1007. Then, putt.Copy !req
1008. Happy place.Copy !req
1009. Happy place.Copy !req
1010. Your happy place.Copy !req
1011. Now how do you feel?
Better.Copy !req
1012. Now putt.Copy !req
1013. Yeah!
Yeah!Copy !req
1014. Your happy place.Copy !req
1015. You really took some giant
steps out there tonight.Copy !req
1016. I'm really proud of you.
Thanks.Copy !req
1017. So here.Copy !req
1018. I got something really
special for you here.Copy !req
1019. Wow, thanks, Chubbs.
You see that?Copy !req
1020. That is the same putter I used when I played.
Slightly modified, of course.Copy !req
1021. Man, this is excellent.Copy !req
1022. You got the spirit of a hockey player in
you, Happy, so I figured, why fight it, huh?Copy !req
1023. I got something for you, too, pal.
What?Copy !req
1024. Yeah. I mean, I figured if it wasn't for you,
none of this would have happened, right?Copy !req
1025. So I wanted to
show my appreciation.Copy !req
1026. This looks nice.
What is it, huh?Copy !req
1027. Open it up.
Shit.Copy !req
1028. Oh, man.Copy !req
1029. Remember the gator that got your hand?
I got his head.Copy !req
1030. Chubbs!Copy !req
1031. First my dad
and now Chubbs.Copy !req
1032. Anybody I get close to dies.
If I were you, I'd run.Copy !req
1033. No, no, you can't
blame yourself for this.Copy !req
1034. I guess that alligator
finally finished the job, huh?Copy !req
1035. I'm gonna miss you, pal.Copy !req
1036. I don't know how the hell
I'm gonna play today?Copy !req
1037. Look, just remember
everything that he taught you.Copy !req
1038. Congratulations,
murderer.Copy !req
1039. You killed a golf legend.Copy !req
1040. Beat it, McGavin.
You know what I'm gonna do?Copy !req
1041. I'm gonna dedicate my performance
at the Tour ChampionshipCopy !req
1042. to Chubbs' memory.Copy !req
1043. To hell with that,
I'm playing for Chubbs.Copy !req
1044. I called it first.Copy !req
1045. Hey, hey, hey, hey. You want to beat him?
Beat him on the course.Copy !req
1046. That's right, I'm gonna beat
your ass on the course.Copy !req
1047. Yeah, right. And Grizzly
Adams had a beard.Copy !req
1048. Grizzly Adams
did have a beard.Copy !req
1049. The golfers of the Tour
Championship are ready to hit the links.Copy !req
1050. There may be 63 professionals vying
for the title of world's best,Copy !req
1051. but in the minds of the spectators,
there are really only two.Copy !req
1052. Tour kingpin Shooter McGavinCopy !req
1053. and bad boy Happy Gilmore, fresh
off his recent suspension.Copy !req
1054. And wouldn't you know it?
They've been paired together.Copy !req
1055. I've got some very interesting interior
design ideas for Grandma's house.Copy !req
1056. You know that bedroom
at the top of the stairs?Copy !req
1057. Yeah, that was my room.Copy !req
1058. I think I'm turning that
into my trophy room.Copy !req
1059. It's perfect.Copy !req
1060. Nice.Copy !req
1061. It just may not be
big enough.Copy !req
1062. All right.Copy !req
1063. You know what the pathetic thing is?
You've been playing golf your whole life.Copy !req
1064. Let me show you
how we do it in the pros.Copy !req
1065. Jeez, that's gotta hurt.Copy !req
1066. Happy learned how to putt.Copy !req
1067. Uh-oh.Copy !req
1068. Here's a free lesson.Copy !req
1069. Can't learn that
in a hockey rink.Copy !req
1070. Somebody's closer.Copy !req
1071. After one day, Shooter
McGavin is in the lead.Copy !req
1072. But the big surprise
is young Happy Gilmore,Copy !req
1073. nipping at his heels and
trailing by only one stroke.Copy !req
1074. Shooter from the sand.Copy !req
1075. Playing like he
really wants that jacket.Copy !req
1076. Happy Gilmore answers
right back with a birdie.Copy !req
1077. Happy with a long
eagle opportunity.Copy !req
1078. IT'S good!Copy !req
1079. And Shooter can't believe it.Copy !req
1080. He is now tied
with Happy Gilmore.Copy !req
1081. A little too much zip
on that one.Copy !req
1082. Hold it'. Hold it'. Hold it.Copy !req
1083. No!Copy !req
1084. I didn't see that. Did that go in?Copy !req
1085. 'Cause I wasn't watching. Did it go in the...
Did it go in the hole?Copy !req
1086. I wasn't watching
and I know I saw it go up.Copy !req
1087. Did it come back in?
All right.Copy !req
1088. At the end of the third day, Happy
Gilmore has taken the lead.Copy !req
1089. And, Jack, one can't help
but be impressedCopy !req
1090. with the vast improvement
in his short game.Copy !req
1091. Hey, Donald. Shooter.Copy !req
1092. Shooter! Hey, it's great
to hear from you!Copy !req
1093. You wanna go to the Sizzler
and get some grub?Copy !req
1094. No thanks, pal.
Not hungry.Copy !req
1095. Listen, this call's about business.
I need you here in the morning.Copy !req
1096. Well, it's the final day
of the Tour ChampionshipCopy !req
1097. and it's shaping up
to be quite a classic.Copy !req
1098. Happy Gilmore leads the pack.Copy !req
1099. Could there be a changing of the guard?
We'll know in 18 short holes.Copy !req
1100. Happy is really on today.Copy !req
1101. Happy,
New Jersey loves you!Copy !req
1102. Pittsburgh loves you!
My sister loves you!Copy !req
1103. There he is, that worm.Copy !req
1104. Happy. Look out!Copy !req
1105. Happy! Happy, you okay?Copy !req
1106. Volkswagen.Copy !req
1107. Jackass!Copy !req
1108. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1109. Jackass!Copy !req
1110. Well, you're a little banged
up, but no serious injuries.Copy !req
1111. Just keep off the
feet for a few days.Copy !req
1112. To hell with that,
I got to finish up.Copy !req
1113. Fine. Do whatever you like. What would I know?
I'm just a doctor.Copy !req
1114. Hey, are you gonna be all right?
I'm fine.Copy !req
1115. Happy, there is no shame
in throwing in the towel.Copy !req
1116. When it comes to your health,
you can't be too cautious.Copy !req
1117. Let's just play some golf.Copy !req
1118. I knew Happy Gilmore
was tough,Copy !req
1119. but I can't believe he's going to keep
playing after being hit by that car.Copy !req
1120. Let's hope it doesn't
affect his game.Copy !req
1121. My shoulder!Copy !req
1122. Oh, my, that's the first time he's
failed to out-drive Shooter McGavin.Copy !req
1123. Well, well, well. Happy
Gilmore is human after all.Copy !req
1124. Happy Gilmore is in big trouble, Jack.
He's lost the power to hit the long ball.Copy !req
1125. If he's going to have
any chance of winning today,Copy !req
1126. he's got to get it
done on the green.Copy !req
1127. He's really got to focus now.Copy !req
1128. He's got to save
this one for par.Copy !req
1129. Oh, my. That bogey drops
him out of the lead.Copy !req
1130. If he wants to stay in this thing, he
has to calm down and sink some putts.Copy !req
1131. Don't worry about your grandma, Gilmore.
She can live with me, be my maid.Copy !req
1132. Look at the cabbage
he's in now.Copy !req
1133. Things just keep getting worse
for Happy Gilmore.Copy !req
1134. All right, just remember
what Chubbs said,Copy !req
1135. "Go to a happy place.Copy !req
1136. "Go to a happy place."Copy !req
1137. Oh, God!Copy !req
1138. This looks like
the end for Happy Gilmore.Copy !req
1139. Shooter now has
a commanding lead.Copy !req
1140. Happy- Happy,
look who's here.Copy !req
1141. Grandma.Copy !req
1142. Happy, you look upset.
What's wrong?Copy !req
1143. I don't know what to say.
I stink. I'm not gonna win.Copy !req
1144. That's all right,
sweetheart.Copy !req
1145. The house isn't important.
It's just a house.Copy !req
1146. Stop fraternizing
with the help, Gilmore.Copy !req
1147. Just hit your ball,
if you can find it.Copy !req
1148. Hi, Grandma.Copy !req
1149. Forget him. I just want
you to be happy, darling.Copy !req
1150. All right, Grandma.Copy !req
1151. Grandma wants me
to be happy.Copy !req
1152. Chin up, Happy.
Don't feel bad about me.Copy !req
1153. I got my hand back, see.Copy !req
1154. (S I N G I N G)
We've only just begunCopy !req
1155. to liveCopy !req
1156. White lace and promisesCopy !req
1157. A kiss for luck
and we're on our wayCopy !req
1158. It ain't over yet, McGavin.Copy !req
1159. The way I see it,
we've only just begun.Copy !req
1160. Happy, the gold jacket's
yours. Shooter's gonna choke.Copy !req
1161. Unbelievable!Copy !req
1162. Damn you people! This is
golf, not a rock concert!Copy !req
1163. I'm gonna putt!Copy !req
1164. Yeah!Copy !req
1165. Happy rules!Copy !req
1166. Happy Gilmore has really
charged in the back nine.Copy !req
1167. He's now dead even
with Shooter McGavin.Copy !req
1168. And if Shooter doesn't get himself
out of this current funk he's in,Copy !req
1169. he may yet again
miss out on the gold jacket.Copy !req
1170. Ladies and gentlemen, the 18th
hole is a par three, 160 yards.Copy !req
1171. In the event of a tie, there
will be a sudden death playoff.Copy !req
1172. Mr. Gilmore,
you have the honors.Copy !req
1173. Well, no matter what,
I got to admit I'm having fun.Copy !req
1174. Happy Gilmore, you're starting
to sound like a golfer.Copy !req
1175. I know. Keep it down.Copy !req
1176. Oh, nice shot!
Right at the pin.Copy !req
1177. Fifteen feet short
of the hole.Copy !req
1178. Shooter's ball is in the woods
and Happy's on the 18th greenCopy !req
1179. where earlier a car driven by a
crazed fan rammed the TV tower.Copy !req
1180. Yeah.Copy !req
1181. Excuse me, I just gotta get through.
I'm looking for my ball.Copy !req
1182. This is golf, okay? Excuse me.
Thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
1183. Is this your ball?Copy !req
1184. Yes, it is.Copy !req
1185. It struck my foot.Copy !req
1186. Doug! Doug.Copy !req
1187. Can I get a drop?Copy !req
1188. The rule says,
"Play it as it lies."Copy !req
1189. That's two thus far, Shooter.Copy !req
1190. Oh, you can count.
Good for you.Copy !req
1191. And you can count on me waiting
for you in the parking lot.Copy !req
1192. Run, Shooter,
run for your life.Copy !req
1193. Looks like
you're still away.Copy !req
1194. Yeah, I'm aware of that.
Thank you.Copy !req
1195. I can't see.Copy !req
1196. Up here is good.Copy !req
1197. Shooter needs this to
keep the pressure on Gilmore.Copy !req
1198. If he misses, Happy can
two-putt his way to victory.Copy !req
1199. Get in that hole.Copy !req
1200. Choke on that, baby!Copy !req
1201. Yes!Copy !req
1202. Shooter.Copy !req
1203. If Gilmore can sink this,
it will cap an amazing comeback.Copy !req
1204. Great. Now I have a
stinking tower blocking my ball.Copy !req
1205. Don't worry about it,
we'll get this cleaned upCopy !req
1206. and you'll finish tomorrow.
Right, Doug?Copy !req
1207. No, no, he has to hit it now. He
has to play the ball as it lies.Copy !req
1208. No, I had to hit it off
Frankenstein's fat foot, remember?Copy !req
1209. Those are the rules.
I didn't write them.Copy !req
1210. I'm afraid he's right.
Take your shot, Mr. Gilmore.Copy !req
1211. Oh, and Virginia, in case you were
wondering, my jacket size is 44 long.Copy !req
1212. And my right arm is just a
little longer than my left.Copy !req
1213. Happy, hit it
around the tower,Copy !req
1214. sink your putt, and we'll
go to sudden death.Copy !req
1215. I'll just beat him now.Copy !req
1216. Good luck.Copy !req
1217. Chubbs, I know you're gonna
help me with this one.Copy !req
1218. Oh, my God!Copy !req
1219. Incredible! Happy
Gilmore wins the gold jacket.Copy !req
1220. NO! No!Copy !req
1221. I love you. I love you.Copy !req
1222. And I love you.Copy !req
1223. Doug! Doug!
It's impossible!Copy !req
1224. That's my jacket!
It's mine!Copy !req
1225. Hey! He stole my jacket!Copy !req
1226. I believe that's
Mr. Gilmore's.Copy !req
1227. I will get you,
Shooter!Copy !req
1228. Stay still!Copy !req
1229. SHOOTER.' No!Copy !req
1230. You coming?
You bet.Copy !req
1231. All right.Copy !req
1232. Here's to Chubbs,
wherever he is.Copy !req
1233. Hey, Happy-Copy !req
1234. Nice jacket.Copy !req
1235. Who are you
waving at, Happy?Copy !req
1236. Nobody, Grandma.
Let's go home.Copy !req