Hannibal Buress: Animal Furnace (2012)

1. Hello.

2. Hey. All right.

3. What's going on, everybody?

4. How you doing?

5. What's up?

6. I hope you all had an easy time

7. getting into this building because I did not.

8. I tried to walk up like, "Yeah, I'm shooting a special."

9. I was excited to walk in and go over.

10. And then dude was like, "Hold up, hold up, hold up."

11. He said, "You working here?"

12. I say, "I'm doing a little bit of work here.

13. Can I come in, please?"

14. "Hold up. Let me call it in."

15. Man, security is serious.

16. This is nice. This is nice.

17. It's a two-hour special.

18. They got a girl in the back,

19. she brushed my goatee for me.

20. That was nice.

21. I done TV before, but nobody ever brushed my goatee.

22. I got a brush.

23. I never even brushed my goatee.

24. It never even occurred to me.

25. I was like, "This is... this is really good."

26. My first regular comedy gig, I hosted an open mic

27. in my college town.

28. It was poetry, music, comedy, everything.

29. One show, I had an ex-girlfriend that showed up to perform.

30. I had to introduce her to the stage.

31. It was very awkward.

32. "Coming to the stage...

33. "is the cold-hearted bitch that broke my heart.

34. "You may know her from not returning my phone calls

35. "and also giving out mediocre blow jobs.

36. Make a lot of noise for Tia Johnson, everybody."

37. I got to stop saying her real name.

38. I really...

39. I should stop saying her real name.

40. I should say something else.

41. I can still say

42. the "I got to stop saying her real name" joke

43. and still say a fake name,

44. but I keep saying her real name.

45. A few summers ago, I went on a tour

46. with a bunch of bands.

47. Before the tour started, I wanted to get an idea

48. who I'd be working with, so I watched some of these bands

49. on YouTube.

50. And I was watching clips, and one of the bands,

51. every show, the lead would put the microphone in his ass,

52. so I was concerned.

53. So then I emailed the promoter,

54. said, "Hey, man, what's up with this dude

55. putting a microphone in his ass?"

56. And he wrote me back and said,

57. "Don't worry. Microphone-in-the-ass guy

58. brings his own microphone."

59. As he should bring his own microphone!

60. But I'm sure it didn't start out like that.

61. Probably just was complaints from other performers.

62. "Hey, man, I don't want to be a diva or anything,

63. "but this guy just totally assed-out the microphone,

64. "so is there a way to get a spare microphone,

65. "or is there something we can spray on the microphone

66. "and make it un-assed?

67. "I'm not used to working like this, man.

68. This is not why I got in the music business."

69. They would put on a live show.

70. Every show, the lead from the band

71. would take a garbage can full of bar garbage

72. and throw it on the head of his drummer.

73. And the drummer just keep drumming

74. with garbage on his body.

75. My favorite show was in Montreal.

76. During that, somebody else from the crowd

77. took the garbage can off of the drummer's head,

78. put it on his own head.

79. I don't know why he did that

80. 'cause immediately after,

81. somebody else in the crowd punched him

82. in his garbage can head, and he fell

83. to the ground, bloodied.

84. Now I'll tell you why that happened.

85. That's because, when you put a garbage can

86. on your head, it limits your peripheral vision

87. about 100%,

88. leaving you very open to those type of attacks.

89. That's why I never put garbage cans on my head

90. 'cause I always need to know what's going on around me,

91. and I can't maintain that level of awareness

92. with a garbage can on my head.

93. I just know myself like that.

94. I felt bad for the guy 'cause it happened so fast,

95. he didn't even get to enjoy

96. having a garbage can on his head.

97. His two consecutive thoughts were,

98. "I have a garbage can on my head!

99. "Man, I regret putting that garbage can on my head.

100. That was a horrible idea."

101. So I do... I do shows at colleges sometimes,

102. and when I do a college show, I'll do an interview

103. with the school paper, and the result could be

104. a horrible article, so I want to share with y'all

105. this article from a gig I did at Eastern Illinois University

106. in Charleston, Illinois.

107. This is all real and in print.

108. A human being wrote this.

109. And then they sent it to a higher-ranking human being,

110. an editor, and that person said, "Yeah, let's go with that."

111. "Quick-witted Buress set for laughs.

112. Comedian helps bring diversity to campus."

113. Wait, wait, wait, I'm responsible

114. for bringing diversity to your campus?

115. 'Cause you realize the type of diversity I bring

116. is very temporary

117. because I'm leaving as soon as I get my check.

118. This town sucks.

119. Actually pay me before the show.

120. It was a phone interview,

121. and sometimes when I do phone interviews

122. and the journalist is boring, I just start saying crazy stuff

123. to make it fun for me and make the most out of my time,

124. and she said, "What do you talk about in your comedy?"

125. I said, "I talk about the streets."

126. And she put that in the paper for real.

127. "His performances include comedic jokes..."

128. Wait, wait, wait. Comedic jokes?

129. As opposed to all the other types of jokes

130. that are out there?

131. Am I missing out on a genre of jokes?

132. I'd hate that for that to be the reason I don't make it big.

133. "Yeah, Hannibal Buress could have been huge,

134. "but he focused all his energy on comedic jokes

135. "when there were so many other types of jokes out there.

136. He really pigeonholed himself."

137. And I'm some bitter, old man comedian.

138. "These young comedians, they focus on all types of jokes.

139. "Esoteric jokes and jokes about hats.

140. "We're purists. We only did comedic jokes.

141. These young dudes, man."

142. "His performances include comedic jokes

143. "related to personal stories, current events,

144. the streets..."

145. You know what, I take the blame for that.

146. I said that on the record. I take the blame.

147. "His performances include comedic jokes

148. "related to personal stories, current events,

149. the streets, and even food, he said."

150. What? Even food?

151. Who else is talking about food in the comedy game right now?

152. Nobody. Just Hannibal Buress, that's all.

153. He has cornered that subject matter.

154. He is the Lenny Bruce of grocery store humor.

155. He is so edgy.

156. You should have saw when he was

157. in Dallas, Texas.

158. Half the crowd walked out

159. when he did his new bit about lettuce.

160. It was crazy.

161. He was too edgy for that town.

162. "Matt Caponera, the university comedy coordinator,

163. "said Buress was picked because he stood out more

164. "than other choices.

165. "'He stands out like an exclamation point,'

166. Caponera said."

167. I don't know if that's weird or borderline racist.

168. Let's go with weird.

169. It's easy to go r... let's go with weird.

170. 'Cause I think it's weird to compare people to punctuation.

171. "Nah, I think he's more like a semicolon comedian.

172. "Very semicolon, like, in delivery

173. and how he paces."

174. I don't even know how to use a semicolon

175. to this day.

176. I use a comma every time.

177. And you know what, if I email somebody,

178. they get upset about me using a comma instead of a semicolon,

179. that's not a person I want to work with anyway.

180. And that's how you weed people out of your life.

181. "Buress was the most popular comedian

182. in Caponera's price range of $2,000."

183. It was a couple years ago.

184. Two things about that...

185. You goddamn right I was.

186. Hell, yeah.

187. I was ruling that price range

188. in the Midwest two years ago.

189. How tacky is that? Did she go to her editor?

190. "Hey, I want to make this article more tacky.

191. You have any ideas?"

192. "Well, maybe you could mention

193. "the amount of money he's making from the show.

194. "That adds nothing to the article at all.

195. "Plus, we get the added bonus of putting his business out there

196. "and making it harder for him to charge

197. more than that in the future."

198. "So I think, if you're going for word count,

199. that's your move."

200. "Caponera said he also picked Buress

201. "because he is African-American,

202. "which added more diversity

203. "to the comedic lineup this semester.

204. "'He's a black comedian, so it makes our crowd

205. more diverse, and everyone gets what they want,'

206. Caponera said."

207. Everyone gets what they want?

208. That's a weird, broad thing to say.

209. Even people that didn't attend the show...

210. "Hey, did you book Hannibal Buress?"

211. "Yeah, we booked. Why, you coming to the show?"

212. "Nah, I'm not coming to the show,

213. but I got what I wanted."

214. Because everybody gets what they want

215. when I come to town.

216. Town morale peaks. It's at a all-time high.

217. Everybody's happy.

218. They go to the local grocery store,

219. just juggling items, no intention on buying 'em,

220. just in the aisles yelling, "Even food!

221. He's coming to town, y'all! Hell, yeah!"

222. "You think he's gonna do the lettuce bit?"

223. "I don't know. I'm not even going to the show.

224. I'm just happy he's here."

225. Two years ago, I got a job writing at Saturday Night Live.

226. My first week writing at Saturday Night Live,

227. Megan Fox was the host, and you can meet

228. with the host to talk about your sketch.

229. So a producer comes around, said,

230. "Hey, do you want Megan Fox to come by your office?"

231. "Yeah.

232. Yeah, I do."

233. Are you creating a situation

234. where Megan Fox has to talk to me?

235. Hell, yeah.

236. So to give you some background on the sketch

237. I wrote for her... I'm a big fan of scatting...

238. in music, not scatting shitting on people.

239. You got to be clear for people.

240. 'Cause I always wonder how scatting started.

241. I picture two singers in the back of a club,

242. one of 'em, "Hey, man, did you write your song for tonight?"

243. "No, I only wrote half of it."

244. "What are you gonna do?"

245. "I think I'm gonna sing that half,

246. and the rest I'm singing gibberish."

247. "You can't sing gibberish."

248. "Listen, man, these people are drunk.

249. "We got a band back here with us.

250. "If I feel like I can sell it,

251. we can just do some rhythmic gibberish."

252. And he goes out there...

253. And people go crazy for gibberish.

254. He's walking offstage all cocky.

255. The other guy's like, "Whatever.

256. When you're right, you're right."

257. So I wrote a sketch where Megan Fox

258. was a horror movie villain that killed her victims

259. with scatting.

260. Yeah, it didn't make it to television at all.

261. It didn't deserve to make it to television.

262. But what's cool about S NL is that all the sketches

263. get read through, so Megan Fox had to scat

264. in a room full of people.

265. And I'm like a creep in the corner,

266. holding my script like, "Yes!

267. "Megan Fox is reading my words right now.

268. "Yeah! Megan Fox is reading the words right now

269. "that I wrote. Oh, no.

270. Megan, you messed up a lot."

271. One week, there was a monkey

272. written into the opening monologue.

273. And then the day before the show we got a message

274. saying we had to write new jokes

275. because the monkey isn't available anymore.

276. Which makes me picture a monkey on the phone like,

277. "Yeah, I don't want to do Saturday Night Live anymore.

278. "I don't like that show. That show sucks.

279. It hasn't been funny since the '70s."

280. I'm like, "Damn, that monkey's kind of mean.

281. And he's over-romanticizing the Belushi era."

282. That shit was...

283. So there's a dress rehearsal

284. and an air show that do...

285. it's more sketches on the dress rehearsal.

286. Whatever doesn't do well gets cut,

287. and then that's the air show.

288. So I had a sketch that made it

289. to dress rehearsal, and when you have that,

290. you sit under the bleachers

291. where the audience is sitting with Lorne Michaels.

292. And you watch it on a monitor,

293. and he gives you notes.

294. This particular sketch of mine

295. was bombing horribly.

296. And during that, I was just practicing

297. acting like my sketch wasn't bombing.

298. "Hey, chill out, man. It's a slow build.

299. "It's a slow build. Relax."

300. It was a slow build to nothing.

301. This sketch bombed horribly.

302. And he usually gives a note...

303. "Maybe this person should walk in quicker."

304. He didn't have nothing to say.

305. It just was quiet. He said...

306. "Well, that was conceptually adventurous."

307. I liked that job though.

308. We had interns at the job.

309. You tell them to do stuff, and they do it.

310. It's great. You got to be nice to them though.

311. I had this guy fax something. "Hey, man, fax that for me."

312. And I gave him another page.

313. "Hey, fax something for yourself too."

314. I was leaving work one day, I got on the elevator.

315. Going down, it stopped on three,

316. this man got on and said, "Thank you."

317. What are you thanking me for? I don't work on the elevator.

318. This ain't Mad Men. Why are you talking to me?

319. Why are you thanking me to get on the elevator?

320. What is your life like?

321. Are you not allowed on the elevators?

322. Do people usually push you off the elevator?

323. "Get off the elevator, Steve. Stairs for you.

324. It's always been stairs."

325. Been on the road a... I was in Scotland for all of August.

326. It was the darkest time of my life

327. mostly 'cause they call cookies "biscuits."

328. I didn't like that at all.

329. It was an incredible culture shock for me.

330. Tough to adjust. But I tried for a few weeks.

331. "Sure, I'll pass you the chocolate chip biscuits.

332. "Let's have biscuits and milk, everybody.

333. I love Oreo biscuits."

334. But in the fourth week, I couldn't handle it no more.

335. "Those aren't c... those aren't biscuits.

336. "Those are cookies. Cookies are cookies,

337. "and biscuits are biscuits.

338. "If you call cookies 'biscuits,' then what do you call biscuits?

339. 'Cause I'm not saying 'scones."'

340. I think I was dealing with some other stuff at the time,

341. and I transferred my anger.

342. No way I was that mad about that.

343. So one night I was out, it was 5:00 in the morning,

344. having some drinks, was talking with this girl,

345. decided to take a swing.

346. I say, "How about we go back to my place

347. for some food and some drinks?"

348. Most women would say, "Yeah, that sounds cool,"

349. or, "Nah, I'm all right," but what she said was,

350. "What type of food are we talking about?"

351. "And what type of drinks are we talking about?

352. "And do you expect me to have sex with you

353. if I come back to your place?"

354. Well, if you come back to my place

355. at 5:00 in the morning and eat all my food

356. and drink all my drinks and you don't want to have sex,

357. then I don't want you in my life at all.

358. What type of person would do something like that?

359. That sounds like something a sociopath would do.

360. Would come to your place, eat your food,

361. drink your drinks, leave at 6:30 without fucking

362. like it's cool.

363. That's a passive burglary.

364. And as soon as she said that,

365. I should have clocked this woman was crazy,

366. but I was kind of drunk, so I went,

367. "Oh, she's kind of quirky.

368. She's kind of quirky and weird."

369. So we talked for a little bit.

370. She says stuff, I say stuff,

371. she says stuff, I say stuff.

372. You know how a conversation works.

373. I think it's going well, I go in for the kiss.

374. She says, "What? You think you can just kiss me.

375. "Western men and men in general think they're entitled

376. "to whatever they want from women.

377. You objectify us..." She started going

378. on this weird feminist rant.

379. Hey, it's fine if you want to be a feminist,

380. but I think 5:00 in the morning after the bar closes

381. is a weird time to jump on your soapbox.

382. "Men just want to fuck!"

383. It's 5:00 in the morning. Everybody wants to.

384. That's why they stayed out till 5:00

385. because it didn't happen at 2:00.

386. So we keep talking for some reason.

387. She wants to know my address.

388. She's showing interest. I tell her the address.

389. Then we go a little further.

390. She wants to know the address plus the cross street.

391. Then she texts it to herself right after I tell her.

392. I say, "What's wrong?" She says, "I have to be safe.

393. "Three out of ten women that get raped

394. don't report it."

395. And I said, "One out of one dudes

396. is walking away from this conversation."

397. And she said, "What's wrong?"

398. I said, "You're a crazy person.

399. "That's what's wrong.

400. "And right now sounds kind of risky

401. "to hang out with you.

402. "And I didn't know this about myself until today,

403. "but I don't hang out with anybody

404. "that quotes rape statistics.

405. "There's nobody in my life that does that.

406. "That's such a weird trait to have.

407. "I'm a black man in Scotland on a work visa.

408. "You talking about rape, they gonna believe

409. "any bullshit you say.

410. I gotta go."

411. But super drunk women can't handle rejection.

412. She was just trying to explain.

413. "Hannibal, please, let me explain."

414. "No, you've explained enough with your words."

415. "Hannibal, why, what's wrong?" "You are insane, lady.

416. That's what's wrong."

417. "Hannibal, I just want to educate people."

418. "This is a weird-ass time for that type of class."

419. "Hannibal, why? Come on."

420. "No. Go away, lady." "Give me 30 seconds to explain."

421. "No, I don't want to talk to you."

422. "Hannibal, please stop walking away."

423. "Get away from me." "Hannibal, ple..."

424. "Hey, lady, you're acting like a rapist right now!

425. "I told you I don't want to talk with you,

426. "but you keep on talking at me.

427. "You are raping my eardrums.

428. I feel real threatened. No means no."

429. I feel like her statistic was weird though.

430. Three out of ten women that get raped

431. don't report it.

432. Then how you finding that out?

433. Are the rapists calling and saying,

434. "Hey. Hello?

435. "Yeah, I raped this girl. I don't think she's gonna tell.

436. "But I know y'all do stats and stuff, so I want those stats

437. "to be accurate, so...

438. "'Cause I know sometimes crazy women like to have stuff to say

439. at 5:00 in the morning, so I just want to make sure

440. they have that and they just talking right when they..."

441. I got a jaywalking ticket in Montreal.

442. I couldn't believe it.

443. I've jaywalked so many times in my life.

444. It's such an easy thing to time out.

445. Is there a car coming? No?

446. Let me get across then.

447. I've done it thousands of times.

448. But this time it was me and this old lady.

449. We were jaywalking together.

450. We weren't together like that, but if we were, so what?

451. Mind your business.

452. I just met y'all.

453. So me and this old lady, we get across the street,

454. then a Montreal cop approaches us,

455. speaking in French.

456. French.

457. I said, "Hey, man, I don't talk like that.

458. "That's not how I talk.

459. Can you talk to me how I talk?"

460. That probably wasn't the best way

461. to start off our interaction,

462. by mocking his native language, but who cares?

463. I take risks in life.

464. And he says, "You were jaywalking!"

465. And I said, "Sorry about that."

466. And I tried to keep going about my day.

467. 'Cause I thought that's how jaywalking was handled

468. as a crime...

469. "You were jaywalking!" "My bad.

470. "We're done here, right? That's it.

471. "I acknowledged that I jaywalked, I apologized

472. "not for the act of jaywalking,

473. "but how my jaywalking made you feel.

474. "I'll try not to jaywalk in the future while you're watching,

475. "but trust I'm gonna do it the rest of my life.

476. It's the best way to go about being a pedestrian."

477. And he says, "No, I have to give you a ticket.

478. Give me your ID."

479. I said, "You don't understand.

480. "I only give people my ID for real stuff.

481. "This is not real. This is a fantasy crime

482. "that you're enforcing to cover up the fact

483. "that your city is having financial problems right now.

484. "This city is broke, and they put you out here

485. "with a quota, and that's fine.

486. "I will donate 60 of your colorful-ass dollars

487. "to your broke-ass city.

488. But let's just do it like that. No paperwork, and it's good."

489. Guess what. Two more cops show up.

490. Now we have three Montreal police officers

491. working this high-profile jaywalking case.

492. Three cops for me and jaywalking.

493. Fair enough.

494. I decided during the time I was just gonna talk trash

495. to the cop standing closest to me 'cause I don't like him

496. or what he represents.

497. This can't be your childhood dream.

498. "When I grow up, I'm gonna be a police officer.

499. "When people cross the street illegal,

500. "I'm gonna put the stop to that.

501. Yeah, the world needs me."

502. No, we don't. I hope you hate

503. that part of yourself.

504. And so I kept talking trash to him

505. 'cause I realized he wasn't gonna murder me,

506. which is a good thing to be able to read on a person.

507. All right, will this person kill me?

508. I should just shut up.

509. Because cops have murdered unarmed men

510. all over the country and been found not guilty.

511. "Why'd you kill that man?

512. "He didn't have any weapons, Officer.

513. He was only talking to you."

514. "Yeah, he was talking to me, but his teeth looked

515. "like 32 tiny white guns.

516. So we shot him 32 times in the mouth."

517. "That sounds like reasonable force.

518. Not guilty."

519. "What the hell?"

520. So I don't like this person at all,

521. so I just wanted to mess with him

522. and say whatever I could say to mess with him

523. 'cause he's wasting my time, so I say,

524. "Hey, man, how much money do you make a year?"

525. Which is a douchey thing to do, I'm aware.

526. But you know what else is douchey?

527. To have three cops working a jaywalking ticket.

528. That's overkill. I only have two legs.

529. That's a cop and a half per leg.

530. That's a waste of city funds.

531. That's why their city is broke now.

532. And he told me how much he made.

533. I don't know why he told me. He didn't have to tell me.

534. Then he said, "How much do you make?"

535. And I told him, and he got upset.

536. And he said, "What do you sell? Drugs?"

537. I said, "No, I don't sell drugs.

538. That was kind of racist." "What do you sell? Cars?"

539. "Wait, why are those your two first guesses?"

540. "Hey, this dude is doing something illegal,

541. "or people love buying Subarus from him.

542. "He's a charismatic guy. Sell the hell out of a car.

543. "Those are the only two jobs I know besides police officer.

544. I'm a dumb guy. My world view is limited."

545. Then I say, "Hey, man, your colleague here is 50 years old,

546. "and he's writing jaywalking tickets for a living.

547. "Is he considered a failure as a police officer?

548. 'Cause that seems like some stuff that you should be doing."

549. He was a younger guy.

550. He was upset about that.

551. He was trying to hold in that he was upset,

552. but I could tell he was upset because the next thing

553. he said was, "Oh, you a cool guy, huh?"

554. I said, "No, I'm not a cool guy. Are you a cool guy?"

555. He said, "Yeah, I'm a cool guy just doing cool stuff,

556. trying to be cool."

557. I said, "Man, cool people never say shit like that."

558. They gave me a $37 ticket for jaywalking

559. and a $444 ticket just for being an asshole.

560. That's how much it costs to be an asshole

561. to Montreal police, just in case you're pricing it out

562. for your next vacation.

563. But don't worry... don't worry about me.

564. I'm not paying either of them. It's in Canada.

565. It doesn't count to me. It's not real.

566. I'm not paying a Canadian ticket.

567. I get speeding tickets... I got a speeding ticket

568. in Indiana going 80 in a 60.

569. The officer stopped me, he said, "Why were you going so fast?"

570. "Because this car is awesome.

571. "That's why I was going so fast.

572. "You should be happy I was only doing 80.

573. "This car has 160 on the dash.

574. "You should be applauding my restraint right now.

575. "I was only doing half... why was I going so fast?

576. "Because life is short, and we're all gonna die soon,

577. "and I want to minimize the time

578. "I spend on Indiana State Road 37.

579. "This state and this road sucks.

580. "And, Officer, if you so against speeding,

581. "then why did you speed to catch up to me?

582. "You're a hypocrite.

583. "If you were really against speeding,

584. "you would have kept going the speed limit,

585. "watch me speed in the other lane,

586. "and then just shook your head and judged me.

587. "Instead, we both been speeding for a moment there,

588. "and the road wasn't any better for it.

589. "How are you gonna say that I can't do what I did

590. "when you did the exact same thing that I did

591. just to catch up to me to say, 'Don't do that'?"

592. When I travel, I get rental cars.

593. I put rims on them.

594. When I bring them back, they go, "What's all this?"

595. "You owe me $1,800. That's what all this is.

596. I just hooked this Kia Sorento up."

597. What's crazy with rental cars...

598. they charge you $9 a gallon if you don't bring back

599. the gas tank full.

600. That's why I make sure the tank is full

601. when I bring it back,

602. but I use up all the windshield wiper fluid.

603. All the windshield wiper fluid is gone.

604. My windshield is so clean and crisp.

605. I use all the transmission fluid.

606. I make so many transmissions... park to reverse,

607. reverse back to park, then park to neutral,

608. neutral to reverse, reverse back to neutral,

609. neutral to reverse, reverse back to neutral,

610. neutral to reverse to reverse to D2.

611. And I ride around in D2 for a little bit

612. 'cause I like how it sounds.

613. It sounds way different than drive.

614. And I enjoy that. It's like the sequel to drive.

615. "D2, coming soon. Next year, D3: 3D."

616. I have fun when I rent cars.

617. Sometimes I leave bloody knives and stuff in the trunk

618. just to see how the Hertz people handle the pressure.

619. "I don't see anything. Do you see anything?

620. "I had a lot of fun in your city.

621. "I'm about to hop on this shuttle bus.

622. I'll see you later."

623. I always get the insurance, but I never wreck the car.

624. That feels like a waste. I want to get my money's worth.

625. Next time I get the insurance,

626. I'm hitting six of their cars as I return it.

627. Like, "Damn, my bad, man. It looks like I hit six

628. "of y'all cars, but don't worry, I got the full coverage.

629. "So just email me that paperwork,

630. "and I'll sign off on it.

631. "I'm about to hop on this shuttle bus.

632. I'll see y'all later."

633. Those are... those are two so-so jokes,

634. but I just like saying, "Hop on this shuttle bus."

635. I was at the airport, there was this kid,

636. four or five years old,

637. walking with his mommy, fixed his fingers in a fake gun,

638. and then took a shot at me.

639. Now I'm looking at the wall to see if there's something

640. on the wall he could have been shooting at

641. 'cause I'm in denial.

642. I look back at him, he looks me in my eyes,

643. and takes two more shots.

644. Now I'm hit three times.

645. That was an act of aggression. I have to defend myself.

646. I'm a man before anything.

647. I will point-blank fake-shoot this kid right here.

648. "Hey, die, bitch, little kid.

649. "Die. What now?

650. "Now what? What you looking at, Mom?

651. "Control your kid, and shit like this

652. "won't happen in the airport.

653. "Now everybody's getting fake-shot.

654. "What's everybody else looking at?

655. "This has got nothing to do with you.

656. "American Airlines lady, get down right now.

657. I'll shoot up you and your bankrupt-ass company."

658. My other airport nemesis is airport security.

659. I don't like them at all. They seem so dedicated

660. to keeping bottled water out of the sky.

661. That's their main thing. It's probably easier

662. to get cocaine on a plane than a bottle of water.

663. Probably only way you couldn't get cocaine

664. on a plane if they looked at it and said, "What is this?

665. Powdered water?"

666. "No, it's cocaine."

667. "Go right ahead. Enjoy your flight."

668. Because a terrorist tried a liquid bomb thing,

669. now nobody can bring liquids on a plane.

670. One person messed it up for everybody.

671. But I feel like that's being reactive instead of proactive

672. because terrorists are always trying new stuff.

673. So next time it's gonna be some type of Snickers bomb,

674. and after that happens, you can't bring full-sized Snickers

675. on the plane anymore.

676. You can only bring miniature Snickers

677. 'cause one person messed it up for everybody.

678. Now you have security trying to negotiate

679. your Snickers situation.

680. "Hey, is it all right if I bring four miniature Snickers?

681. That's about the same size as a full-sized Snickers."

682. Security say, "Don't play with me.

683. "This is not a game!

684. "We are saving the world one Snickers bar at a time

685. for your freedom in America!"

686. "Relax, man, I'm just hungry. Stop yelling at me."

687. "You can't bring the bottled water, sir."

688. "Why not? It's not bomb water.

689. What if I sip the water to show you that it's not bomb water?"

690. "But what if it's sippable bomb water?"

691. "There's no such thing as sippable bomb water.

692. "You're being silly right now, man.

693. There's no such thing as bomb water."

694. One day, they stopped me for additional screening

695. but the only screening they did...

696. they rubbed the cloth on my hands,

697. and then they went and tested it, they came back

698. and said, "All right, you're good."

699. "Okay, cool, good thing I didn't have bomb juice on my hands.

700. Was that the bomb juice test?"

701. What if I did have bomb juice on my hands?

702. What if one of my friends... "Hey, Hannibal,

703. "before you go to the airport,

704. you want to hold a bomb real quick?"

705. And I say, "You know what, I never held a bomb before,

706. I'm open to new experiences, let me..."

707. "That's pretty cool. Thanks, man.

708. That was real cool."

709. Then I get to the airport, they test my hands,

710. They say, "You have bomb juice on your hands.

711. Is there anything you'd like to tell us?"

712. "Yeah, one of my friends, he got a bunch of bombs.

713. "And he said, 'You want to hold a bomb real quick

714. "before you go to the airport? '

715. "And I never held a bomb before,

716. "so I thought it'd be something cool to do.

717. "I made sure not to bring the bomb with me

718. 'cause I know y'all hate that."

719. "So I want to just hold a bomb real quick.

720. "I think you need to chill out

721. "and stop being jealous 'cause I got all types of friends.

722. "Some of my friends own bombs and let me hold them.

723. "You need to open up your social circle

724. and meet some new people."

725. I hate when they try to make conversation with me.

726. "Are you going to New York for business or pleasure?"

727. "I'm going to New York to talk

728. "about you in front of strangers.

729. So I guess both."

730. I don't wear my glasses in my driver's license photo,

731. so one guy goes, "Can you take your glasses off?"

732. "Yeah, yeah, sure, Captain America.

733. It's still me."

734. Who are you catching like that? Are you seriously

735. finding terrorists that only use glasses as a disguise?

736. And you, the TSA agent, are cracking those cases?

737. "Can you take your glasses off?"

738. "Damn it, no! How'd they find me?

739. "15 years, this disguise was foolproof!

740. "I like the simplicity of it.

741. "I didn't think I needed the fake nose and mustache

742. to go with it. Aagh!"

743. "Yeah, dude, it's still me, man.

744. "You want me to put the shirt on that I had

745. "in my license photo also?

746. "It's from eight years ago.

747. I don't have that shirt anymore."

748. One time I went to the DMV.

749. The woman working at the DMV said, "Oh, wow,

750. you don't turn 29 until your birthday."

751. "So wait, do I kill myself, or do you kill yourself?

752. "'Cause...

753. "we both can't be on this world together.

754. "One of us has to go.

755. "I'm willing to make the sacrifice

756. "just to not be at a place where you are.

757. "If this was olden times, you'd be tied

758. "to a cinder block and thrown in the ocean

759. "'cause your stupidity would endanger

760. the rest of the population."

761. On October 30, 2011, I had the darkest day of my life.

762. I had to take a shit on a plane.

763. It was horrible. I never had that happen to me.

764. 16 years of flying, never shat on a plane.

765. Went through so many emotions.

766. First was anger.

767. "Damn it, I got to shit on a plane!"

768. Then it was denial. "I'm not shitting on this plane."

769. Then it was sadness. "I got to shit on a plane."

770. Then it was acceptance. "Hey, I guess

771. I got to shit on this plane."

772. Then it was happiness. "Yo, I'm shitting in the sky."

773. I went through a lot.

774. That...

775. That poop joke was for the D VD.

776. That's not gonna make television at all.

777. I was on a flight from Atlanta back to New York.

778. Former President Jimmy Carter was on the same flight as me.

779. Before the flight took off,

780. he walked through and shook everybody's hand

781. that was on board.

782. Yo, are you running for president of this flight?

783. How you gonna assume everybody wants to meet you?

784. Weren't you a one-time president,

785. you were bad at your job, and why are you flying commercial?

786. So many questions for Jimmy Carter.

787. I also shook his hand because it seemed

788. like the right thing to do.

789. I didn't want to mess up his handshaking flow

790. that he seemed to be in. Who knows?

791. I don't shake his hand, he goes into shock,

792. passes out right there on the spot,

793. now we're super delayed.

794. But I should have just fist-bumped him.

795. Because I was sitting in 34D,

796. so by the time he got to me,

797. that means he had 30-plus rows of nasty, gross shit

798. from around the world on his hands.

799. Who knows what the person in 1A was doing with his hands?

800. 1A could have been touching on his travel balls.

801. He had a layover. It's all weird.

802. 2A has bomb water on his hands.

803. 2B has bomb juice on her hands.

804. On and on and on, it's 30-plus rows

805. of nasty shit Jimmy Carter

806. had on his hands when he touched mine.

807. Where's your hand sanitizer, Jimmy Carter?

808. Because you do this every flight,

809. and you know it, Jimmy Carter.

810. You should be prepared.

811. He had three secret service agents with him. Why?

812. Nobody's trying to murder Jimmy Carter.

813. Who's plotting that out?

814. "We have to kill 80-year-old former President Jimmy Carter."

815. "Hey, man, why don't we just let time kill Jimmy Carter?"

816. Replied his level-headed coconspirator.

817. You know why he had the secret service with him?

818. Because if he didn't, honestly, I wouldn't have known

819. it was Jimmy Carter.

820. I would have said, "Who is this old-ass man

821. "in first class trying to shook everybody's hand?

822. "And where's his hand sanitizer? This dude is disgusting.

823. I hate him."

824. But the girl sitting next to me was so excited

825. to meet Jimmy Carter as he approached..."Oh, my gosh!

826. "This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!

827. This never happens in life! Whah!"

828. Yeah, a lot of stuff never happens in life,

829. but that doesn't make it good 'cause it's happening

830. for the first time.

831. I've never been stabbed before.

832. If I get stabbed for the first...

833. "Whoa, is this happening to me right now?

834. "Aagh! I've never been attacked

835. "like this with a sharp weapon piercing my flesh so violently!

836. "I've never seen so much blood. Aagh!

837. "Never felt such pain. Thank you for this experience.

838. I'm feeling sleepy. I'm fainting."

839. I like to drink, but I only like to drink

840. with people that can hold their liquor.

841. I was out with this girl, I bought some drinks,

842. we go back to my hotel room, she starts throwing up

843. the drinks that I bought all over my hotel room.

844. It was very upsetting.

845. It was like she was throwing up my money

846. on my money.

847. Very upsetting on so many levels.

848. Really not that many levels.

849. People overuse that... "It was messed up

850. on so many levels, man."

851. "Oh, for real? Why don't you name the levels?"

852. "Well, level three, metaphysical, eye level..."

853. "Shut up, man. You being dramatic right now."

854. I was at this music festival walking up the stairs

855. to my hotel, there was this man walking down the stairs.

856. This man started throwing up down the stairs.

857. Luckily the vomit missed me.

858. I don't know what I would have done

859. if it hit... are you supposed to fight somebody

860. if they throw up on you?

861. "Hey, man, control your body!

862. Control your insides."

863. My stage-punching is horrible.

864. Like, do you tax that person?

865. "Give me $40 and your left shoe.

866. "That's the vomit tax. You suck.

867. Drink some water, and go to bed."

868. But what really upset me is this man was 40 years old at least,

869. and if you're 40, I don't think you should be throwing up

870. from alcohol anymore.

871. You should know your limits, man.

872. You have a family and a mortgage.

873. You here throwing up from vodka?

874. You should be ashamed of yourself.

875. 'Cause I'm 28, I haven't thrown up

876. from alcohol in seven years,

877. because whenever I feel the urge to throw up,

878. I'm able to channel that energy out into a...

879. Hadouken!

880. 'Cause I'm a goddamn warrior.

881. I'm an urban warrior, and I mean urban

882. to mean I live in the city, not urban to mean black,

883. how white people use it.

884. I was at this bar in Minnesota.

885. I saw a bunch of people.

886. They were drinking, and they had the same T-shirt.

887. They were having a pub crawl for cancer.

888. So they were drinking all day to raise money for cancer,

889. so basically getting one disease while fighting another.

890. Next month, they're having a cocaine snort-off

891. to raise money for leukemia.

892. "All right, let's raise this money for leukemia, man, yeah!"

893. "Yeah, leukemia! One more line for leukemia.

894. Aagh, you will not take my brother!"

895. I don't... I don't believe in cancer walks.

896. Well, I believe in them 'cause they exist,

897. but...

898. I'd rather just give money straight up

899. and save my Saturday afternoon.

900. I can make my own T-shirt. That's not an incentive.

901. Plus, I don't think cancer responds to how far people walk.

902. I don't think cancer's sitting at home...

903. "What? How many people walked how far?

904. "How many people walked how far wearing the same shirt?

905. That's crazy. I'm out of here. Remission."

906. Just give money.

907. Whenever people are going through a struggle in life,

908. they get really cliche.

909. They say stuff like, "I'm taking it

910. "one day at a time.

911. I'm just taking it one day at a time."

912. You know who else is? Everybody.

913. 'Cause that's how time works.

914. That's the only way you can take time.

915. What were you doing? A week at a time before?

916. Who are you? Who taught you how to do that?

917. Please teach me how to do that.

918. I want to get through this quicker too.

919. I don't like when people say, "I'll pray for you.

920. "I'm gonna pray for you.

921. Praying for you." You're gonna pray for me?

922. You're gonna sit at home and do nothing?

923. 'Cause that's what your prayers are.

924. You're doing nothing while I struggle

925. with the situation. Don't pray for me.

926. Make me a sandwich or something.

927. 'Cause I'm very upset right now

928. and I can't make my own sandwiches,

929. so that'd be cool

930. if you made me a sandwich

931. instead of praying, which is kind of lazy.

932. Take action.

933. "Well, we'll keep you in our thoughts."

934. With the other bullshit in your head? No.

935. Keep me out of your thoughts 'cause I hear

936. some of the stuff you talk about,

937. and that's close to what you're thinking about.

938. I don't want to be around that at all.

939. So keep me and my family out of your thoughts

940. unless you're thinking about making us sandwiches.

941. I was at a front desk of a hotel,

942. and the front desk lady's screaming,

943. "Oh, Jesus! Jesus! Oh, Jesus!"

944. I said, "What's wrong?" She said, "My back...

945. my back has just been killing me for months."

946. I said, "You should try Vicodin."

947. She said, "No, I'm trying Jesus."

948. I said, "No, you should try Vicodin."

949. And she said, "You should try Jesus."

950. I said, "Nah, my back is great.

951. "You should try half-Jesus, half-Vicodin.

952. "Just to get that out your back...

953. Maybe real Vicodin and placebo Jesus for your back?"

954. I don't go to church.

955. Sometimes people be Holy Ghosting.

956. I can't get with that.

957. People... I think the Holy Ghost is just a reason

958. for people to dance like an asshole sober.

959. "I mean, whoa, shit! I love..."

960. "Hey, for real, oh, shit, look at me.

961. "I love Jesus. I'm sweating.

962. "I'm sweating so much for the Lord.

963. Oo-ah." Why you goofing off like that?

964. I'll still think you a good person if you sit down.

965. "Oo-ah." I think the Holy Ghost is fake

966. 'cause people only get it in church when they're dancing

967. around other people that's Holy Ghosting.

968. I'm surprised a rapper hasn't took that

969. and made it into a dance already.

970. "Do the Holy Ghost, do the Holy Ghost."

971. "Do the Holy Ghost, do the Holy Ghost."

972. Yeah, I did this shit on camera.

973. No rappers can steal it from me.

974. "Do the Holy Ghost, do the Holy Ghost."

975. I think the Holy Ghost is fake.

976. Nobody ever gets the Holy Ghost anywhere else.

977. Nobody ever catches the Holy Ghost in Arby's

978. like, "What? Five for fiver?"

979. I go to... I go to black strip clubs.

980. The white strip clubs are boring.

981. They're good bars.

982. There's just liquor there, some boring naked chick.

983. That's cool. It's a good bar.

984. Bad strip club.

985. They dance to awful songs in white strip clubs.

986. I don't want to see you dance to Marilyn Manson, The Dope S how.

987. I saw this chick dancing. She was dancing

988. to Madonna, Take a Bow.

989. Like, why are you dancing to that?

990. Now I'm thinking of the video.

991. It was sad with the matador.

992. He died or something.

993. Why don't you dance to the songs that rappers made

994. specifically for the strip club?

995. Like, yo.

996. This is good... this is good music

997. for this environment.

998. I like... I'm a big rap fan.

999. I went to a concert.

1000. I saw this group Odd Future perform.

1001. They have some good songs.

1002. But the closing... the hook to their closing song was,

1003. "Kill people, burn shit, fuck school.

1004. Kill people, burn shit, fuck school."

1005. But doesn't it seem like they're getting more reasonable

1006. as they go along?

1007. Now, "Kill people," that's murder.

1008. That's awful.

1009. "Burn shit," it depends on what you're burning, right?

1010. 'Cause if it's a controlled fire, go ahead.

1011. Do your thing.

1012. "Fuck school," that's just truancy.

1013. What are you standing on, man? That's weak.

1014. Who hasn't missed class before?

1015. They're gonna get more and more reasonable in their raps.

1016. "Kill people, burn shit, fuck school,

1017. "I hate spam email.

1018. "That's annoying.

1019. "When you think you got an email from a friend,

1020. "and it's spam. Stop messing with my emotions!

1021. "And I hate hotel TVs.

1022. "Why do they always start on the menu channel

1023. "instead of the channel I was watching already?

1024. I've already seen Limitless."

1025. "Why does iTunes keep trying to get me

1026. "to download a new version?

1027. "I got a new version a couple days ago.

1028. I'm fine with this version. It plays music."

1029. There's this rapper Young Jeezy.

1030. He has a song where he says, "How stupid? Dumb big.

1031. My rooms got rooms."

1032. All right.

1033. Nah, Jeezy, those are closets.

1034. Those aren't extra rooms in your rooms.

1035. Jeezy. He'd be the worst real estate agent ever.

1036. "Right here, we have a 34-bedroom house.

1037. "Let me show you around the property.

1038. "Great feature of this place... some of the rooms

1039. "have extra smaller rooms in them.

1040. "You have to sleep in these rooms like this.

1041. "Very unique sleeping situation

1042. "inspired by the Japanese.

1043. "Now let me show you to the bathroom.

1044. "The bathroom is great. You have a regular size tub.

1045. "Then you have a miniature tub, the sink.

1046. It's actually..."

1047. I do... I feel like rap affects

1048. how I talk with people too much.

1049. It's not good.

1050. I was talking with my mom on the phone

1051. and she was telling me, she went,

1052. "Hannibal, so I'm watching your niece and nephew

1053. for a week while your sister is gone."

1054. And I was like, "For a week, Ma?

1055. "They watchin' you for a whole...

1056. "you watchin' for a whole week?

1057. "Are they payin' you to watch 'em for a week?

1058. That's a long time. You gettin' paid?"

1059. She said, "No, Hannibal.

1060. "A grandmother doesn't have to get paid

1061. to watch her grandkids."

1062. And I said, "Yo, Ma...

1063. money over everything."

1064. That's not healthy.

1065. Sometimes I get drunk, and I get into arguments

1066. with taxi drivers, and I get out the cab,

1067. and I slam the door.

1068. That's not the way to win an argument with a taxi driver.

1069. The way to win is you get out the cab

1070. and you leave the door open.

1071. Then he has to step out, come around, and close that door.

1072. While he's doing that, I'm on the other side,

1073. opening the other doors.

1074. And we just keep going around and around

1075. and around and around.

1076. And I got my own Benny H ill situation going on in life.

1077. Right.

1078. I get upset easily by people.

1079. I saw this guy, he was on the phone.

1080. He had the phone between his ear and his shoulder like that,

1081. but he didn't have anything in his hands...

1082. which is really upsetting.

1083. It was like, "Who the hell do you think you are?"

1084. This action is for people that are multitasking.

1085. Where's your other task?

1086. You not doing anything else.

1087. I was hoping somebody would throw a pumpkin at him.

1088. "Yeah, I'm still here!

1089. "You wouldn't believe it.

1090. "Somebody just threw a pumpkin at me, man.

1091. "Yeah, but don't worry.

1092. "You know what my phone technique is.

1093. "Yeah, I keep my hands free.

1094. "You never know what's gonna happen out here

1095. "in these crazy streets.

1096. "These streets are so crazy.

1097. Why am I still holding this pumpkin? Hello?"

1098. I was back home in Chicago in the summer,

1099. and I get an email from this nightclub saying,

1100. "Hannibal, we want to welcome you back home to Chicago.

1101. "Come party at our club.

1102. "We gon' have a section for you and a complimentary bottle,

1103. so bring you and your team, and come party."

1104. I said, "Oh, man. I got to get a team."

1105. I don't have a team. I just have friends.

1106. So I call up my friends, "Hey, man, you want...

1107. "I know you my friend, but I need a team right now.

1108. I'm putting together a team."

1109. So I put together a team. We go to the club.

1110. I have to walk up to this guy, "Hey, man, I'm Hannibal Buress.

1111. This is my team right here."

1112. Then he starts examining my team.

1113. "Hey, man, your team is four dudes and one girl."

1114. "Hey, listen. It was a hastily assembled team.

1115. "This is not my ideal team makeup,

1116. "but y'all emailed me.

1117. That's the end of it."

1118. So we get in the club... I'm not a club person.

1119. I'm more of a bar, lounge type of person,

1120. but I'll go anywhere if you give me

1121. a free bottle of alcohol.

1122. Most places.

1123. "Hey, Hannibal, you wanna hang out

1124. in this room full of tarantulas and snakes?"

1125. Yeah, if there's free liquor in that room,

1126. I'll hang out.

1127. I'll stomp the shit out of tarantulas,

1128. slap the shit out of a snake,

1129. and just drink them free drinks.

1130. It's nothing.

1131. And then we'll go to that other lounge

1132. where there's a dude throwin' knives at you the whole time,

1133. but it's not that tough.

1134. He might nick you at first, but then you get into a rhythm,

1135. and you dodge and drink, dodge and drink.

1136. Don't be a pussy about it.

1137. So we get in the club.

1138. It's a weird place. I look around.

1139. It's like everybody's standing on couches

1140. doing this shit.

1141. I'm like, "Why is everybody doing that?

1142. "That looks dumb as hell. You standing on the couch.

1143. What if I want to sit on the couch after you do that?"

1144. That's rude. And they...

1145. But it's infectious. Three drinks in, I start...

1146. and it's funny, when you have bottle service

1147. in a club like that, which is pretty expensive,

1148. girls just come up to you.

1149. "Hey, what's going on? Hey, what's up? Hey."

1150. I'm like, "Whoa, all this for a bottle of Absolut?

1151. "Wow. You wouldn't act like that if I walked up to you

1152. "on the street with a bottle of Absolut.

1153. "Hey, what's going on, girl?

1154. "I have this $30 bottle of mid-level vodka.

1155. "You want to drink this straight on the curb with me?

1156. I love you!"

1157. So packed in the club. It's so packed.

1158. This one guy somehow...

1159. he was drunk... he knocked all of the liquor

1160. and juice off the table.

1161. Somehow he scissor-kicked me in the face.

1162. I don't even know how he got that angle.

1163. I'm wobbly.

1164. And he didn't even acknowledge that he did any of that.

1165. He just kept it moving. Like, "Yeah! Yeah!"

1166. And that's my least favorite thing about clubs,

1167. is when people bump you without saying "excuse me."

1168. I wish I could fart on every person that does that,

1169. but I can't time out my farts like that,

1170. so I just stew about it.

1171. So it's getting late.

1172. I decided to walk around the club... one more time.

1173. And of course it's crowded. I'm getting pushed.

1174. I said, "Hey, man, you are pushing me right now."

1175. He said, "I'm sorry. I was just trying to get through."

1176. I said, "Yeah, you can get through

1177. without pushing the shit out of me."

1178. And he says, "Relax."

1179. I said, "No, you relax!

1180. 'Cause you are pushing people right now!"

1181. And he says, "Security!"

1182. And then two security guards come out of nowhere.

1183. They swoop down, they kick me out of the club,

1184. they take a full drink out of my hand.

1185. It's kind of disappointing.

1186. So apparently... that guy was the owner.

1187. But if you the owner, just announce yourself.

1188. "Hey, man, relax. I own the place."

1189. I said, "For real? Thanks for the Absolut, dog.

1190. See y'all later."

1191. I live here in New York.

1192. There's a lot of dudes in my neighborhood

1193. that have handlebar mustaches,

1194. which is cool if you want to have a handlebar mustache,

1195. but don't try to have a conversation with me

1196. like you don't have a handlebar mustache.

1197. They try to talk about regular stuff

1198. like music and politics.

1199. Nah, dude, if you got a handlebar mustache,

1200. all I want to hear you talk about

1201. is slinkies and kazoos and that's it.

1202. Talk about kazoos for a few minutes,

1203. then you go hop on a unicycle and juggle...

1204. you carnival-faced motherfucker.

1205. Yeah, I'm tackling the real issues up here.

1206. I'm the Lenny Bruce of grocery store

1207. and mustache humor!

1208. "Edgy mustache humor: The Hannibal Buress story."

1209. My name is Hannibal. That's my real name.

1210. I feel like having this name has caused me

1211. to miss out on several potential sexual encounters.

1212. "Hey, what's your name?"

1213. "It's Hannibal."

1214. "All right, bye."

1215. Seriously? I'm a real dude.

1216. That's a movie dude that you're judging me off of.

1217. That's not fair.

1218. Every day I had the same conversation

1219. with people about my name.

1220. "Your real name is Hannibal?"

1221. "Yes, my real name is Hannibal."

1222. "Your parents named you Hannibal?"

1223. "Yeah, my parents named me Hannibal."

1224. "So 'Hannibal' is on your birth certificate?"

1225. "Yes, 'Hannibal' is on my birth certificate.

1226. "But why did you just ask me the same question

1227. in three different ways?"

1228. I want to choke that person and see how they handle that.

1229. "Are you choking me right now?"

1230. "Yeah, I'm choking you right now."

1231. "Are you using your hands to apply force to my neck?"

1232. "Yeah, I'm using my hands to apply force to your neck."

1233. "Are you trying to stop the circulation of blood

1234. and oxygen to my brain till I pass out?"

1235. "Yes, I'm trying to stop the circulation

1236. "of blood and oxygen to your brain...

1237. so you'll pass out."

1238. Sometimes when I travel, I go to Facebook

1239. and search what Facebook friends I have in that city,

1240. and I'll hit them up.

1241. And so I was in Ann Arbor, Michigan,

1242. and I saw this girl's picture, and I said,

1243. "Hey, what's up? I'm in town doing shows.

1244. What are you up to?"

1245. And then I press "send," and I read in her profile.

1246. And it said, "Brandy attends Ann Arbor High School."

1247. I said, "Oh, shit."

1248. So I sent a second message that said,

1249. "Uh-oh. Ha-ha. Never mind."

1250. But the way Facebook messaging works,

1251. if you send a message, then a second message

1252. before they reply to the first message,

1253. it combines those into one message.

1254. So it looks like I said, "Hey, what's up?

1255. "I'm in town doing shows. What are you up to?

1256. Uh-oh, ha-ha, never mind."

1257. Like I'm some type of regretful pedophile or something.

1258. When I could have just not sent the message.

1259. So I had to send her a third message.

1260. I couldn't leave it like that.

1261. Said, "Brandy, Facebook messaging combines the messages.

1262. "I sent a message saying 'What's up? '

1263. "Then I saw that you were 16.

1264. "I sent another message saying, 'Never mind.'

1265. "It combined those into one message,

1266. "making me look like a regretful pedophile.

1267. "This is the third message. It ends right here.

1268. Good-bye forever, or... good-bye for two years."

1269. Scouting.

1270. Planting the seed.

1271. This month...

1272. I pulled the power move on my landlord.

1273. I wrote my rent check for 1¢ less

1274. than what my rent is.

1275. We had a stare down.

1276. "Yeah, it's 1¢ less. Now what?

1277. "What now? Front door's messed up.

1278. "You need to fix that.

1279. "Living room light is all weird.

1280. "You need to fix all that stuff

1281. "before I gather the other tenants

1282. "for next month's one-penny movement.

1283. "You stand to lose 2¢ to 8¢

1284. "depending on participation levels.

1285. Money over everything."

1286. All right.

1287. My other nemesis in life is my teenage cousin.

1288. I don't like him at all, I think he's a horrible person,

1289. and I hope he doesn't get into college.

1290. If one of y'all was whooping his ass right now,

1291. I'd let you get four more hits in before I stop you.

1292. Like, "Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

1293. Get off my cousin, man!"

1294. He always talks trash about my comedy.

1295. "Hey, Hannibal.

1296. "We were watching your stand-up on YouTube.

1297. It wasn't funny, man."

1298. So I had to figure out, what can I say back

1299. to this 17-year-old boy that'll destroy him?

1300. 'Cause I'm not letting this slide.

1301. I'm very petty, and I figured it out.

1302. And I just accused him of masturbating

1303. because teenagers can't handle that.

1304. Their psyches are weak.

1305. So I say, "What, man? You coming from jacking off?"

1306. He goes, "No, I wasn't jacking off, Hannibal!

1307. "Why would you say that? I do not jack off!

1308. I will never jack off! Get out of here, Hannibal!"

1309. "Why you want me to get out of here,

1310. so you can jack off?"

1311. "No!"

1312. That won't work on me. I'm 28.

1313. You say, "Hannibal, you jacking off?"

1314. "Yeah. Yes, I was jacking off.

1315. "I was jacking off, so I can have sex for longer later.

1316. "That's grown man stuff.

1317. I'm planning out my life."

1318. Sometimes when I watch porn,

1319. I put my hoodie on so I feel creepier.

1320. Yeah!

1321. Sometimes I get under the computer,

1322. so it feels like I'm spying on her.

1323. Like, "Yeah."

1324. Everybody needs a masturbation hoodie, in my opinion.

1325. It's necessary.

1326. You have to keep your top warm

1327. because your bottom is exposed.

1328. Life is all about balance.

1329. Yeah.

1330. I like when women are talkative in bed

1331. but not too talkative.

1332. I'll explain.

1333. This one girl, her sentences were too long.

1334. I feel like the sentences... the women's...

1335. they should be short, clipped sentences.

1336. Three to five words.

1337. "Lick my clit. Suck my tits."

1338. "You like that?" "Yeah, I like that.

1339. Spank my ass. Fuck me from behind."

1340. Short sentences. But she was saying stuff like,

1341. "What was it about me at the party

1342. "that made you want to come up to me

1343. and talk to me initially?"

1344. In my bed?

1345. "Well, what happened was the girl that I was

1346. "really going for, she left,

1347. "so I had a lot of liquor in me.

1348. I wasn't gonna give up on the night."

1349. "But what was it? Why were you so drawn to me?"

1350. "'Cause I thought you wouldn't do this shit right here."

1351. And she just kept talking, "Hannibal, let's build this up.

1352. "Make it a special experience. I want you to fuck me all night.

1353. You gon' fuck me all night?"

1354. "Naw, not at all."

1355. "How long you gon' fuck me for?"

1356. "Between 17 and 21 minutes."

1357. But she talked so much. It was horrible.

1358. It was the first time I ever came fast out of spite.

1359. Like, "I gotta come and go to bed

1360. "and sleep off your personality.

1361. "You put me in a funny mental place.

1362. I'll probably have a weird dream 'cause of you."

1363. I meet some crazy women.

1364. I met this one girl at a bar. It was...

1365. 3:00 in the morning.

1366. We had some drinks, go back to her place.

1367. 4:00 in the morning, we get there,

1368. she says, "All right, don't try to hook up with me."

1369. "Don't try to hook up?

1370. "You just brought me, a stranger,

1371. "back to your place at 4:00 in the morning.

1372. "What's your motivation?

1373. "Because you couldn't possibly think

1374. "I want to talk with you this long.

1375. And she said, "I would like to hook up,

1376. but I recently had an abortion."

1377. I said, "Well, do you want to have another one?"

1378. I didn't say that!

1379. I would never say something like that out loud.

1380. Fix your face. Don't look at me like that.

1381. I didn't say that.

1382. Why would she tell me that though?

1383. "You know I don't deserve that information from you.

1384. "You just met me. Where are your boundaries?

1385. "You are over-sharing right now.

1386. "You know how I am?

1387. "I got good buddies that don't even know

1388. "how many siblings I have.

1389. "And you telling me this an hour in?

1390. "Whatever, girl. It's gon' be all right.

1391. "You just take it one day at a time...

1392. "and I will pray for you...

1393. and keep you in my thoughts."

1394. People went crazy for, uh...

1395. for Black Friday. It was weird.

1396. And people camp out for the deals.

1397. Yeah, you got the deal, but you camped out.

1398. That negates the deal.

1399. I'd rather pay full price and sleep in my bed.

1400. Yeah, I don't want to buy gifts for people.

1401. I'm fine with buying gifts for people,

1402. but there's just a time.

1403. I wish I could just give people the amount of money

1404. that correlates to how much I love them.

1405. "I love you. Here's $500.

1406. "You all right. Here's $37.

1407. I hate you. Give me $50."

1408. I lost my debit card recently.

1409. I had five charges on it before I caught it.

1410. First charge, $30, Chuck E. Cheese.

1411. Who goes to Chuck E. Cheese

1412. as soon as they find a debit card?

1413. Are you serious?

1414. "Hey, I just found this debit card.

1415. "Who's up for some horrible pizza and Whac-A-Mole?

1416. "Let's go right now.

1417. "Who's up for flat Pepsi and air hockey?

1418. "Let's get it while we can.

1419. "Time is of the essence.

1420. This dude is about to cancel this, y'all."

1421. First charge, Chuck E. Cheese.

1422. Second charge, $170 at Target.

1423. Third charge, $300 at Walmart.

1424. Fourth charge, $18 on gas.

1425. Fifth charge... Chuck E. Cheese again.

1426. What type of monster are you?

1427. You didn't have enough fun the first time?

1428. Did my card get stolen by a nine-year-old

1429. or by some horrible, broke father

1430. who can finally take his kids out with my money?

1431. I hope they had a horrible time on the second outing,

1432. I hope the pizza made his family sick,

1433. and I hope his kids never learn to read.

1434. Then another time my card got stolen,

1435. somebody was charging up crazy stuff in California.

1436. I live in New York.

1437. Two separate $400 charges at Barnes & Noble.

1438. Who balls out of control at Barnes & Noble?

1439. Who's ever spent more than 80 bucks there?

1440. And I hate Visa fraud prevention

1441. for not knowing I'm not the type of guy

1442. to spend $800 in 30 minutes on books.

1443. You don't want to call me and check that one out?

1444. "Well, we thought maybe you went on a knowledge binge."

1445. "Nah.

1446. "No, I didn't go on a knowledge binge.

1447. "That wasn't me. Why didn't you call me?

1448. "You know with your whole heart that wasn't me.

1449. "I really wish you would have called me

1450. 'cause sometimes you call me for some of the silliest stuff."

1451. "Hey, Mr. Buress, it's fraud prevention just doing

1452. "a courtesy call.

1453. "I wanted to verify this $3 charge on bread

1454. two blocks away from your house."

1455. "Yeah, that was me spending $3 on bread

1456. "two blocks away from my house,

1457. "but that wasn't me spending $800 on books

1458. across the fucking country."

1459. Then a $600 charge at Bed Bath & Beyond,

1460. so I know I was dealing with a woman.

1461. That luffa-buying cunt.

1462. How many body washes does she need?

1463. Hope the sheets gave her family bedbugs,

1464. and I also hope her kids never learn to read.

1465. And if her kids already know how to read,

1466. I hope they forget how to read.

1467. Then they can't get usage out of $800 worth of books.

1468. And I know some of y'all tightened up

1469. when I called that woman a cunt,

1470. but somebody steal more than $1,000 from me,

1471. I'll call 'em what the fuck I want.

1472. But I can't front though.

1473. When I was 13, I found a credit card in the ATM.

1474. Went straight to Toys "R" Us, rang up a PlayStation.

1475. Me, 13-year-old black kid with a credit card.

1476. The name on it is "John Hammerschmitt."

1477. And with full confidence,

1478. I walk over with Mr. Hammerschmitt's card.

1479. They look at it and say, "Is this your card?"

1480. "Yeah, that's my card.

1481. "It's my stepdad's card... John Hammerschmitt.

1482. I'm authorized."

1483. They said, "Can you stay right here?"

1484. "Nah.

1485. "Not staying right here, dog.

1486. "That sounds kind of setup-ish.

1487. "How about we just go our separate ways forever?

1488. "Yeah, let's just go our separate ways...

1489. forever."

1490. So I've gained weight over the past year, so, uh...

1491. people love to tell you when you've gained weight.

1492. They give you no advice afterward.

1493. "Hey, you got fat. All right.

1494. See you later." And that's...

1495. that's it.

1496. I picked up a Men's Health magazine.

1497. I only picked up one. No need to subscribe.

1498. It's the same magazine every month.

1499. "Get rock-hard abs. Check out these shirts.

1500. Here's some stuff to say to fuck girls."

1501. Every issue.

1502. "6-pack abs! 10-pack abs! 12-pack..."

1503. What if I want an odd number of abs?

1504. What if I want a five-pack to show people I'm still humble?

1505. "Yo, what did Hannibal do

1506. "to isolate that flab right there, man?

1507. "He has five muscles and one piece of flab right there.

1508. How much does this dude hate symmetry?"

1509. The weirdest people in my life talk to me about my weight.

1510. My grandmother..."Hannibal, you've gained weight."

1511. "What does this mean, Grandma?

1512. "We can't fuck anymore?

1513. "Like, why are you talking to me about my weight?

1514. You're my grandmother."

1515. "Hannibal, you gaining weight."

1516. "Yeah, your titties are really sagging, Grandma.

1517. "Why are we talking about each other's bodies right now?

1518. "I don't know what your motivation was.

1519. I was just being defensive."

1520. I do eat at restaurants a bunch.

1521. Whenever I eat at a restaurant,

1522. I never put the napkin in my lap.

1523. I never put the napkin in my lap.

1524. And people say, "Hannibal, why don't you

1525. put the napkin in your lap?"

1526. Because I believe in myself.

1527. I believe in my ability to not spill food on my pants

1528. 'cause I'm a goddamn adult, and I have mastered

1529. the art of getting food from my plate

1530. to my mouth without messing up my jeans.

1531. You need to believe in yourself too

1532. and get your life together.

1533. That's for babies.

1534. Have some confidence in your eating abilities

1535. and hand-eye coordination.

1536. Believe in yourself!

1537. Believe in yourself like one of those

1538. weird-ass clothing stores that only have six shirts in 'em.

1539. So many questions.

1540. How much do these shirts cost?

1541. How long have y'all been here?

1542. Why is there a DJ?

1543. You ever been in a store...

1544. "Hey, can I check out this shirt?"

1545. "Nah, I'm spinning right now."

1546. I was...

1547. My judgment gets messed up more by food and juice

1548. than it does by drugs or alcohol.

1549. Two examples of this.

1550. On my way to the airport, I bought a McGriddle.

1551. Bacon, egg, and cheese.

1552. I go to the airport. Stopped at security.

1553. Go get a newspaper.

1554. I get to my gate... the McGriddle was gone.

1555. Very upset.

1556. I go back to where I bought the newspaper from.

1557. "Excuse me, did y'all find

1558. "a bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle?

1559. "It's very important to me.

1560. It had a hash brown with it if you need clues."

1561. They said, "No."

1562. I walked back to my gate defeated.

1563. The American Airlines lady said,

1564. "Is your name Hannibal Buress?"

1565. "Yeah, that is my name.

1566. Did I write my name on the McGriddle or something?"

1567. She says, "No, you dropped your passport here."

1568. But I didn't realize I dropped my passport

1569. 'cause I was so busy trying to recover

1570. a bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle

1571. that I didn't care about international travel.

1572. Whatever, going to other countries is overrated.

1573. Where else I'm gon' find a McGriddle?

1574. Those are scarce!

1575. I love apple juice.

1576. It's my favorite of the juices.

1577. Uh, one day, me and my girlfriend

1578. go to the grocery store.

1579. Mott's fresh-pressed natural apple juice

1580. was $1.79 for a half gallon.

1581. That's a great sale. We get eight bottles.

1582. Eight bottles is all we have on the belt.

1583. In front of us is an old man looking back, shaking his head.

1584. "No, nope, nah."

1585. "No, what's wrong, old man?

1586. "You mad 'cause we have all this apple juice?

1587. "You can go get some too. It's over there in aisle four.

1588. "But if not, stop judging us.

1589. "Hell, yeah, we are hoarding apple juice,

1590. "taking advantage of this sale

1591. "before this store realizes

1592. "what a horrible mistake they've made.

1593. "And you know what?

1594. "We're back here happy with our apple juice,

1595. "and you up there lonely with your chili and your beans.

1596. You lonely, chili-and-beans-eatin' old man."

1597. But it took me a minute to realize

1598. he wasn't shaking his head 'cause of the apple juice.

1599. He was shaking his head 'cause my girlfriend was white,

1600. and he didn't agree with that.

1601. But I was so caught up in the euphoria

1602. of having all that apple juice...

1603. that for a minute, I lived in this world

1604. where racism didn't exist.

1605. Like, "Yo, it's obvious that this old man

1606. "is just an apple juice hater,

1607. "and he's just mad 'cause he can't get all the apple juice

1608. that I'm getting right now."

1609. Hey, thanks a lot, y'all. I appreciate y'all coming.

1610. Thank you.