Hannibal Buress: Animal Furnace (2012)

1. - Hello!

2. Hey! All right.

3. What's going on, everybody? How we doing?

4. What's up?

5. I hope you all had a easy time getting into this building

6. because I did not.

7. I tried to walk up, like, hey, I'm shooting a special.

8. I was excited, walk in, and the dude was

9. like hold up, hold up, hold up.

10. He said, "You working here?"

11. I said, yeah, I'm doing a little bit of work here.

12. Can I come in please? "Hold up, let me call it in."

13. Security is serious.

14. This is nice. This is nice.

15. Do an hour special— they got a girl in the back,

16. she brushed my goatee for me.

17. That was nice.

18. I've done TV before,

19. but nobody ever brushed my goatee.

20. I got a brush.

21. I never even brushed my goatee.

22. It never even occurred to me.

23. I was like, this is really good.

24. My first regular comedy gig, I hosted

25. an open mic in my college town.

26. It was poetry, music, comedy, everything.

27. One show, I had an ex-girlfriend that showed up to perform.

28. I had to introduce her to the stage.

29. It was very awkward.

30. Coming to the stage is the cold hearted bitch

31. that broke my heart.

32. You may know her from not returning my phone calls

33. and also giving out mediocre blowjobs.

34. Make a lot of noise for Tia Johnson, everybody!

35. I got to stop saying her real name.

36. I really— I should stop saying her real name.

37. I should say something else.

38. I can still say the "I gotta stop saying her real name" joke

39. and still say a fake name, but I keep saying her real name.

40. A few summers ago, I went on a tour with a bunch of bands.

41. Before the tour started, I wanted to get an idea who

42. I'd be working with, so I watched some of these bands

43. on YouTube.

44. And I was watching clips.

45. And one of the bands, every show, the lead would

46. put the microphone in his ass, so I was concerned.

47. So then I emailed the promoter saying,

48. hey, man, what's up with this dude

49. putting the microphone in his ass?

50. And he wrote me back and said, don't worry.

51. Microphone in the ass guy brings his own microphone.

52. As he should bring his own microphone!

53. But I'm sure he didn't start out like that, probably just

54. complaints from other performers.

55. "Hey, man, I don't want to be a diva or anything,

56. "but this guy just totally assed out the microphone

57. "so is there a way to get a spare microphone

58. "or is there something we can spray on the microphone

59. "to make it unassed?

60. "I'm not used to working like this, man.

61. This is not why I got in the music business."

62. They would put on a live show.

63. Every show, the lead from the band

64. would take a garbage can full of bar garbage

65. and throw it on the head of his drummer

66. and the drummer just keep drumming

67. with garbage on his body.

68. My favorite show was in Montreal.

69. During that, somebody else from the crowd

70. took the garbage can off of the drummer's head,

71. put it on his own head.

72. I don't know why he did that because immediately after,

73. somebody else from the crowd punched him in his garbage can

74. head and he fell to ground, bloodied.

75. Now I'll tell you why had happened.

76. That's because when you put a garbage can on your head,

77. it limits your peripheral vision about 100%,

78. leaving you very open to those type of attacks.

79. That's why I never put garbage cans on my head,

80. because I always need to know what's going on around me

81. and I can't maintain that level of awareness

82. with a garbage can on my head.

83. I just know myself like that.

84. I feel bad for the guy because it happened so fast.

85. He didn't even get to enjoy having

86. a garbage can on his head.

87. His two consecutive thoughts were,

88. "I have a garbage can on my head!

89. "Man, I regret putting that garbage can on my head.

90. That was a horrible idea."

91. So I do shows at colleges sometimes,

92. and when I do a college show, I do an interview

93. with the school paper and the result

94. could be a horrible article.

95. So I want to share with y'all this article from

96. a gig I did at Eastern Illinois University

97. in Charleston, Illinois.

98. This is all real and in print.

99. A human being wrote this and then they sent it to

100. a higher ranking human being, an editor,

101. and that person said, yeah, let's go with that.

102. "Quick-witted Buress set for laughs.

103. Comedian helps bring diversity to campus."

104. Wait, wait, wait.

105. I'm responsible for bringing diversity to your campus?

106. Because you realize, the type of diversity I bring

107. is very temporary.

108. Because I'm leaving as soon as I get my check.

109. This town sucks.

110. Actually, pay me before the show.

111. It was a phone interview, and sometimes when

112. I do phone interviews and the journalist is boring,

113. I just start saying crazy stuff to make it fun for me

114. and make the most out of my time.

115. And she said what do you talk about in your comedy?

116. I said, I talk about the streets.

117. And she put that in the paper, for real.

118. "His performances include comedic jokes—"

119. Wait, wait, wait. Comedic jokes?

120. As opposed to all the other types of jokes

121. that are out there?

122. Am I missing out on a genre of jokes?

123. I'd hate for that to be the reason I don't make it big.

124. Yeah, Hannibal Buress could have been huge,

125. but he focused all of his energy on comedic jokes

126. when there was so many other types of jokes out there.

127. He really pigeon-holed himself.

128. And I'm some bitter old man comedian.

129. These young comedians, they focus on all types of jokes—

130. esoteric jokes, and jokes about hats.

131. We're purists! We only did comedic jokes.

132. These young dudes, man!

133. "His performances include comedic jokes

134. related to personal stories, current events, the streets."

135. You know what, I take the blame for that.

136. I said that on the record.

137. I take the blame.

138. "His performances include comedic jokes related

139. to personal stories, current events, the streets,

140. and even food, he said."

141. What? Even food?

142. Who else is talking about food in the comedy game right now?

143. Nobody, just Hannibal Buress, that's all.

144. He has cornered that subject matter.

145. He is the Lenny Bruce of grocery store humor.

146. He is so edgy.

147. You should have saw when he was in Dallas, Texas,

148. half the crowd walked out when he

149. did his new bit about lettuce.

150. It was crazy.

151. He was too edgy for that town.

152. "Matt Caponera, the university comedy coordinator

153. said, Buress was picked because he stood

154. out more than other choices.

155. He stands out like an exclamation point,

156. Caponera said."

157. I don't know if that's weird or borderline racist.

158. Let's go with weird.

159. It's easy to go racist— let's go with weird.

160. 'Cause I think it's weird to compare people to punctuation.

161. "Nah, I think he's more like a semi-colon comedian,

162. very semi-colon like in delivery and he paces."

163. I don't even know how to use a semi-colon to this day.

164. I use a comma every time.

165. And you know what, if I e-mail somebody

166. and they get upset about me using a comma instead

167. of a semi-colon, that's not a person

168. I want to work with anyway.

169. And that's how you weed people out of your life.

170. "Buress was the most popular comedian in Caponera's price

171. range of $2,000."

172. It was a couple years ago.

173. Two things about that...

174. One, you god damn right I was.

175. Hell yeah!

176. I was ruling that price range in the Midwest two years ago.

177. So how tacky is that?

178. Did she go to her editor, hey, I want to make

179. this article more tacky, do you have any ideas?

180. Well, maybe you could mention the amount of money he's making

181. from the show, that adds nothing to the article at all,

182. plus we get the added bonus of putting his business out there

183. and making it harder for him to charge

184. more than that in the future.

185. So I think if you're going for word count, that's your move.

186. "Caponera said he also picked Buress because he is

187. "African American, which added more diversity

188. "to the comedic lineup this semester.

189. "He's a Black comedian so it makes our crowd more diverse

190. and everyone gets what they want, Caponera said."

191. Everyone gets what they want?

192. That's a weird, broad thing to say.

193. Even people that didn't attend the show—

194. hey, did you book Hannibal Buress?

195. Yeah, we booked him. Why, you coming to the show?

196. No, I'm not coming to the show, but I got what I wanted.

197. Because everybody gets what they want when I come to town.

198. Town morale peaks, it's at an all time high.

199. Everybody's happy.

200. They go to the local grocery store just juggling items,

201. no intention on buying them,

202. just in the aisles yelling, "even food!

203. "He's coming to town, y'all!

204. "Hell yeah!

205. "Do you think he's going to do the lettuce bit?

206. "I don't know. I'm not even going to the show.

207. I'm just happy he's here."

208. Two years ago, I got a job writing at Saturday Night Live.

209. My first week writing at Saturday Night Live,

210. Megan Fox was the host.

211. And you can meet with the host to talk about your sketch.

212. So a producer comes around saying, hey,

213. do you want Megan Fox to come by your office?

214. Yeah. Yeah, I do.

215. Are you creating a situation where

216. Megan Fox has to talk to me?

217. Hell yeah.

218. So to give you some background on the sketch I wrote for her,

219. I'm a big fan of scatting in music,

220. not scatting shitting on people.

221. Gotta be clear for people.

222. Because I always wondered how scatting start up.

223. I picture two singers in the back of a club, one of them,

224. "Hey man, did you write your song for tonight?"

225. "Nah, I only wrote half of it."

226. "What are you going to do?"

227. "I think I'm going to sing that half and the rest,

228. I'm singing gibberish."

229. "You can't sing gibberish."

230. "Listen, man, these people are drunk.

231. "We got a band back here with us.

232. "If I feel like I sell it, we can just

233. do some rhythmic gibberish."

234. And he goes out there, scoob-a-dee bot-bot,

235. bee-da-ba-boppety bop bop.

236. And people go crazy for gibberish.

237. He's walking off stage, all cocky.

238. The other guys like, whatever,

239. when you're right, you're right.

240. So I wrote a sketch where Megan Fox

241. was a horror movie villain that killed

242. her victims with scatting.

243. Yeah, it didn't make it to television at all.

244. It didn't deserve to make it to television.

245. But what's cool about SNLis that all

246. the sketches get read through.

247. So Megan Fox had to scat in a room full of people—

248. scoob-a-dee bop bop— and I'm like,

249. a creep in the corner holding my script like,

250. yes, Megan Fox is reading my words right now!

251. Yeah! Megan Fox is reading words right now that I wrote.

252. Oh, no, Megan, you messed up a line.

253. One week, there was a monkey written

254. into the opening monologue.

255. And then the day before the show,

256. we got a message saying we had to write new jokes

257. because the monkey isn't available anymore, which makes

258. me picture a monkey on a phone like, "Yeah, I don't wanna

259. "do Saturday Night Liveanymore.

260. "I don't like that show. That show sucks.

261. It hasn't been funny since the '70s."

262. Like, damn, that monkey is kind of mean

263. and he's over-romanticizing the Belushi era.

264. That shit was...

265. So there's a dress rehearsal and an air show

266. and more sketches on the dress rehearsal.

267. Whatever doesn't do well gets cut

268. and then that's the air show.

269. So I had a sketch that made it to dress rehearsal.

270. And when you have that, you sit under the bleachers

271. where the audience is sitting with Lorne Michaels,

272. and you watch it on a monitor and he gives you notes.

273. This particular sketch of mine was bombing horribly.

274. And during that, I was just practicing acting

275. like my sketch wasn't bombing.

276. Hey, chill out, man.

277. It's a slow build.

278. It's a slow build, relax.

279. It was a slow build to nothing.

280. That sketch bombed horribly.

281. And he usually gives a note— "Maybe this person

282. should walk in quickly."

283. He had nothing to say.

284. It just was quiet and he said,

285. "Well, that was conceptually adventurous."

286. I liked that job though. We had interns at the job.

287. You tell them to do stuff and they do it.

288. It's great. You gotta be nice to them, though.

289. I had this guy fax something. Hey, man, fax that for me.

290. And I gave him another page, hey,

291. fax something for yourself too.

292. I was leaving work one day.

293. I got on the elevator going down and stopped on three,

294. this man got on and said, thank you.

295. What are you thanking me for?

296. I don't work on the elevator.

297. This ain't "Mad Men". Why are you talking to me?

298. Why you thanking me to get on the elevator?

299. What is your life like?

300. Are you not allowed on the elevators?

301. Do people usually push you off the elevator?

302. Get off the elevator, Steve. Stairs for you!

303. It's always been stairs!

304. Been on the road a b— I was in Scotland for all of August.

305. It was the darkest time of my life,

306. mostly because they call cookies biscuits.

307. I don't like that at all.

308. It was an incredible culture shock to me.

309. Tough to adjust, but I tried for a few weeks.

310. Should I pass you the chocolate chip biscuits?

311. Let's have biscuits and milk, everybody.

312. I love Oreo biscuits.

313. But in the fourth week, I couldn't handle it no more.

314. Those are cookies! Those aren't biscuits!

315. Those are cookies.

316. Cookies are cookies and biscuits are biscuits.

317. If you call cookies biscuits, then what do you call biscuits?

318. Cause I'm not saying "scones."

319. I think I was dealing with some other stuff at the time

320. and I transferred my anger.

321. No way I was that mad about that.

322. So one night I was out.

323. It was 5:00 in the morning, having some drinks,

324. I was talking with this girl. I decided to take a swing.

325. I say, how about we go back to my place

326. for some food and some drinks.

327. Most women would say, yeah, that sounds cool,

328. or nah, I'm all right, but what she said was,

329. "What type of food are we talking about?

330. "And what type of drinks are we talking about?

331. "And do you expect me to have sex with you

332. if I come back to your place?"

333. If you come back to my place at 5:00 in the morning

334. and eat all my food and drink all my drinks

335. and you don't want to have sex,

336. then I don't want you in my life at all.

337. What type of person would do something like that?

338. That sounds like something a sociopath would do.

339. Come to your place, eat your food, drink your drinks,

340. leave at 6:30 without fucking, like it's cool—

341. that's a passive burglary.

342. And as soon as she said that, I should have

343. clocked this women was crazy.

344. But I was kind of drunk so I went, oh, she's kind of quirky.

345. She's kind of quirky and weird.

346. So we talked for a little bit.

347. She says stuff, I say stuff.

348. She says stuff, I say stuff.

349. You know how a conversation works.

350. I think it's going well. I go in for the kiss.

351. She says, "What? You think you can just kiss me?

352. "Western men and men in general think

353. "they're entitled to whatever they want from women.

354. You objectify us."

355. She started going on this weird feminist rant.

356. Hey, it's fine if you want to be a feminist,

357. but I think 5:00 in the morning after the bar

358. closes is a weird time to jump on your soapbox.

359. "Men just want to fuck!"

360. Yeah, it's 5:00 in the morning, everybody wants to.

361. That's why they stayed out till 5:00 because it

362. didn't happen at 2:00.

363. So we keep talking for some reason.

364. She wants to know my address. She's showing interest.

365. I tell her the address and then we want to go a little further.

366. She wants to know the address plus the cross street

367. and she text it to herself after.

368. I tell her, I say, what's wrong?

369. She says, I have to be safe.

370. Three out of ten women that get raped don't report it.

371. And I said one out of one dudes is walking

372. away from the conversation.

373. And she said, "What's wrong?" I say, you're a crazy person.

374. That's what's wrong and right now,

375. it sounds kind of risky to hang out with you.

376. And I didn't know this about myself until today,

377. but I don't hang out with anybody

378. that quotes rape statistics.

379. There's nobody in my life that does that.

380. That's such a weird trait to have.

381. I'm a Black man in Scotland on a work visa.

382. You're talking about rape.

383. They going to believe any bullshit you say.

384. I gotta go.

385. But super drunk women can't handle rejection.

386. She was trying to explain,

387. "Hannibal, please let me explain!"

388. No, you've explained enough with your words.

389. "Hannibal, why I was wrong?"

390. You are insane, lady.

391. That's what's wrong.

392. "Hannibal, I just want to educate people."

393. This is a weird ass time for that type of class.

394. "Hannibal, why? Come on."

395. No, go away, lady.

396. "Give me 30 seconds to explain."

397. Nah, I don't want to talk with you.

398. "Hannibal, please stop walking away."

399. Get away from me. "Hannibal, please—"

400. Hey, lady, you acting like a rapist right now.

401. I told y'all I don't want to talk with you

402. but you keep on talking at me.

403. You are raping my eardrums.

404. I feel real threatened.

405. No means no.

406. I feel like her statistic was weird, though.

407. Three out of ten women that get raped don't report it.

408. Then how you finding that out?

409. Are the rapists calling in and say, "Hello?

410. "Yeah, I raped this girl.

411. "I don't think she's going to tell,

412. "but I know y'all do stats and stuff so I want

413. "those stats to be accurate.

414. "Because I know sometimes crazy women like to have stuff

415. "to say at 5:00 in the morning.

416. "So I just want to make sure they have that

417. and they ain't just talking, right, when they—"

418. I got a jaywalking ticket in Montreal.

419. I couldn't believe it.

420. I've jaywalked so many times in my life.

421. It's such an easy thing to time out.

422. Is there a car coming? No. Let me get across then.

423. I've done it thousands of times.

424. But this time, it was me and this old lady.

425. We were jaywalking together.

426. We weren't together like that, but if we were, so what?

427. Mind your business.

428. I just met y'all.

429. So me and this old lady, we get across the street.

430. Then a Montreal cop approaches us, speaking in French.

431. French.

432. I said, hey man, I don't talk like that.

433. That's not how I talk.

434. Can you talk to me how I talk?

435. It probably wasn't the best way to start

436. off our interaction by mocking his native language,

437. but who cares? I take risks in life.

438. And he says, you were jaywalking.

439. And I said, sorry about that.

440. And I tried to keep going about my day,

441. because I thought that's how jaywalking

442. was handled as a crime.

443. "You were jaywalking."

444. "My bad! We're done here, right?

445. "That's it. I acknowledged that I jaywalked.

446. "I apologized not for the act of jaywalking,

447. "but how my jaywalking made you feel.

448. "I'll try to not jaywalk in the future while you're watching,

449. "but trust I'ma do it the rest of my life.

450. It's the best way to go about being a pedestrian."

451. And he says, "No, I have to give you a ticket.

452. Give me your ID."

453. I say, you don't understand.

454. I only give people my ID for real stuff.

455. This is not real.

456. This is a fantasy crime that you're enforcing to cover

457. up the fact that the city is having financial problems

458. right now.

459. The city is broke and they put you out here with a quota

460. and that's fine.

461. I will donate 60 of your colorful ass dollars

462. to your broke ass city, but let's just do it like that,

463. no paperwork and it's good.

464. Guess what? Two more cops show up.

465. Now we have three Montreal police officers

466. working this high profile jaywalking case.

467. Three cops for me and jaywalking.

468. Fair enough.

469. I decided at the time, I was just going to talk trash

470. to the cop standing closest to me because I don't like him

471. and what he represents.

472. This can't be your childhood dream.

473. When I grow up, I'm going to be a police officer.

474. When people cross the street illegal,

475. I'll put the stop to that.

476. Yeah, the world needs me.

477. No, we don't. I hope you hate that part of yourself.

478. So I kept talking trash to him because I realized he wasn't

479. going to murder me, which is a good thing

480. to be able to read on a person.

481. All right, will this person kill me?

482. I should shut up.

483. Because cops murder unarmed men all over the country

484. and been found not guilty.

485. "Why'd you kill that man?

486. "He didn't have any weapons, officer,

487. he was only talking to you."

488. Yeah, he was talking to me

489. but his teeth looked like 32 tiny white guns.

490. So he shot him 32 times in the mouth.

491. That sound like reasonable force.

492. Not guilty. What the hell?

493. So I don't like this person at all, so I just wanted to mess

494. with him and say whatever I could say to mess with him

495. because he's wasting my time.

496. So I say, hey, man, how much money do you make a year?

497. Which is a douchey thing to do, I'm aware.

498. But you know what else is douchey?

499. To have three cops working a jaywalking ticket.

500. That's overkill. I only have two legs.

501. That's a cop and a half per leg.

502. That's a waste of city funds.

503. That's why that city is broke now.

504. And he told me how much he made.

505. I don't know why he told me. He didn't have to tell me.

506. Then he said, how much do you make?

507. And I told him.

508. And he got upset and he said, "What do you sell, drugs?"

509. I said, no I don't sell drugs. That's kind of racist.

510. "What do you sell, cars?"

511. Wait, why are those the first two guesses?

512. Hey, this dude is doing something illegal or people

513. love buying Subaru's from him.

514. He's a charismatic guy, sell the hell out of a car.

515. Those are the only two jobs I know besides police officer.

516. I'm a dumb guy. My worldview is limited.

517. And I say, hey, man, your colleague here is 50 years old

518. and he's writing jaywalking tickets for a living.

519. Is he considered a failure as a police officer?

520. Because that seems like some stuff that you should be doing.

521. He was a younger guy.

522. He was upset about that.

523. He's trying to hold in that he was upset

524. but I could tell he was upset because the next thing

525. he said was, "Oh, you're a cool guy, huh?

526. I said, no, I'm not a cool guy. Are you a cool guy?

527. He said, "Yeah, I'm a cool guy, just doing cool stuff,

528. trying to be cool."

529. I said, man, cool people never say shit like that.

530. They gave me a $37 ticket for jaywalking

531. and a $444 ticket just for being an asshole.

532. That's how much it costs to be an asshole to Montreal police,

533. just in case you're pricing it out for your next vacation.

534. But don't worry. Don't worry about me.

535. I'm not paying either of them.

536. It's in Canada. It doesn't count to me.

537. It's not real.

538. Not paying a Canadian ticket.

539. I get speeding tickets.

540. I got a speeding ticket in Indiana going 80 in a 60.

541. The officer stopped me and said, "Why were you going so fast?"

542. Because this car is awesome.

543. That's why I was going so fast.

544. You should be happy I was only doing 80.

545. This car has 160 on the dash.

546. You should be applauding my restraint right now.

547. I was only doing half. Why was I going so fast?

548. Because life is short and we all gonna die soon

549. and I want to minimize the time

550. I spend on Indiana State Road 37.

551. This state and this road sucks.

552. And, officer, if you so against speeding,

553. then why'd you speed to catch up to me?

554. You're a hypocrite.

555. If you were really against speeding,

556. you would have kept going the speed limit,

557. watch me speed in the other lane and just shook your head

558. and judge me.

559. Instead, we both was speeding for a moment there

560. and the road wasn't any better for it.

561. How are you going to that I can't do what I did when you

562. did the exact same thing that I did just to catch

563. up to me to say don't do that?

564. When I travel, I get rental cars.

565. I put rims on them.

566. When I bring them back, they go, "What's all this?"

567. You owe me $1,800.

568. That's what all this is.

569. I just hooked this KIA Sorrento up.

570. What's crazy with rental cars, they charge you $9 a gallon

571. if you don't bring back the gas tank full.

572. That's why I make sure the tank is full when I bring it back,

573. but I use up all the windshield wiper fluid.

574. All the windshield wiper fluid is gone.

575. My windshield is so clean and crisp.

576. I use all the transmission fluid.

577. I make so many transmissions— Park to Reverse,

578. Reverse back to Park, then Park to Neutral, Neutral to Reverse,

579. Reverse back to Neutral, Neutral to Reverse,

580. Reverse back to Neutral, Neutral to Reverse, to Reverse to D2.

581. And I ride around in D2 for a little bit

582. because I like how it sounds.

583. It sounds way different than Drive and I enjoy that.

584. It's like the sequel to drive.

585. D2, coming soon. Next year, D3, 3-D.

586. I have fun when I rent cars.

587. Sometimes I leave bloody knives and stuff in the trunk

588. just to see how the Hertz people handle the pressure.

589. I don't see anything and you ain't see anything.

590. I had a lot of fun in your city.

591. I'm about to hop on this shuttle bus.

592. I'll see you later.

593. I always get the insurance but I never wreck the car.

594. That feels like a waste. I want to get my money's worth.

595. Next time I get the insurance, I'm hitting six of their cars

596. as I return it.

597. Like, dang, my bad man.

598. It looks like I hit six of y'all cars, but don't worry.

599. I got the full coverage.

600. So just email me that paperwork and I'll sign off on it.

601. I'm about to hop on this shuttle bus.

602. I'll see y'all later.

603. Those are two so-so jokes, but I just like

604. saying "hop on this shuttle bus."

605. I was at the airport. There was this kid,

606. four or five years old, walking with his mommy.

607. Fixed his fingers in a fake gun and then took a shot at me.

608. Now I'm looking at the wall to see if there's something

609. on the wall he could have been shooting

610. at because I'm in denial.

611. I look back at him, he looks me in my eyes

612. and takes two more shots.

613. Now I'm hit three times.

614. That was an act of aggression.

615. I have to defend myself.

616. I'm a man before anything.

617. I will point blank fake shoot this kid right here.

618. And it's— hey, die! Bitch little kid, die!

619. What now?

620. Now what? What are you looking at, mom?

621. Control your kid and shit like this

622. won't happen in the airport.

623. Now everybody is getting fake shot.

624. What's everybody else looking at?

625. This got nothing to do with you.

626. American Airlines lady, get down right now.

627. I'll shoot up you and your bankrupt ass company.

628. My other airport nemesis is airport security.

629. I don't like them at all. They seem so dedicated

630. to keeping bottled water out of the sky.

631. That's their main thing.

632. It's probably easier to get cocaine on a plane

633. than a bottle of water.

634. Probably the only way you couldn't get cocaine

635. on a plane, if they looked at it and say,

636. "What is this, powdered water?"

637. No, it's cocaine.

638. "Go right ahead. Enjoy your flight."

639. Because a terrorist tried the liquid bomb thing now

640. nobody can bring liquids on a plane.

641. One person messed it up for everybody.

642. But I feel like that's being reactive instead of proactive,

643. because terrorists always trying new stuff.

644. So next time, it's going to be some type of Snickers bomb.

645. And after that happens, you can't bring full size

646. Snickers on the plane anymore.

647. You can only bring miniature Snickers 'cause one person

648. messed it up for everybody.

649. Now you have security trying to negotiate

650. your Snicker situation.

651. Hey, is it all right if I bring four miniature Snickers?

652. That's about the same size as the full size Snickers.

653. Security says, "Don't play with me!

654. "This is not a game!

655. "We are saving the world, one Snickers bar at a time

656. for your freedom in America!"

657. Relax, man, I'm just hungry. Stop yelling at me.

658. "You can't bring the bottled water, sir!"

659. Why not? It's not bomb water.

660. What if I sip the water to show you that it's not bomb water.

661. But what if it's sippable bomb water?

662. There's no such thing as sippable bomb water.

663. You're being silly right now, man.

664. There's no such thing as bomb water.

665. One day they stopped me for additional screening,

666. but the only screening they did,

667. they rubbed a cloth on my hands and they went and tested it.

668. They came back and say, all right, you're good.

669. Okay, cool.

670. Good thing I didn't have bomb juice on my hands.

671. Was that the bomb juice test?

672. What if I did have bomb juice in my hands?

673. What if one of my friends, "Hey, Hannibal,

674. "before you go to the airport,

675. you want to hold a bomb real quick?"

676. And I say, you know what? I never held a bomb before.

677. I'm open to new experience, let me just...

678. That was pretty cool. Thanks, man.

679. That was real cool.

680. And I get to the airport, they test my hands.

681. They say, "You have bomb juice on your hands.

682. Is there anything you'd like to tell us?"

683. Yeah, one of my friends, he got a bunch of bombs and he said,

684. you wanna hold a bomb real quick

685. before you go to the airport?

686. And I never held a bomb before so I thought

687. it'd be something cool to do.

688. I made sure not to bring the bomb with me

689. because I know y'all hate that.

690. So I wanted to just hold a bomb real quick.

691. I think you need to chill out and stop

692. being jealous because I got all types of friends.

693. Some of my friends own bombs and let me hold them.

694. You need to open up your social circle

695. and meet some new people.

696. I hate when they try to make conversation with me.

697. "Are you going to New York for business or pleasure?"

698. I'm going to New York to talk about you in front

699. of strangers, so I guess both.

700. I don't wear my glasses in my driver's license photo,

701. so one guy goes, "Can you take your glasses off?"

702. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, Captain America.

703. It's still me. Who are you catching like that?

704. Are you seriously finding terrorists that

705. only use glasses as a disguise?

706. And you, the TSA agent, are cracking those cases?

707. Can you take your glasses off? Dammit!

708. No, how'd they find me?

709. 15 years, this disguise was foolproof.

710. I like the simplicity of it.

711. I didn't think I needed a fake nose

712. and mustache to go with it!

713. Ah!

714. Yeah, dude, it's still me, man.

715. You want me to put the shirt on that I had

716. on in my license photo also?

717. It's from eight years ago.

718. I don't have that shirt anymore.

719. One time, I went to the DMV.

720. The woman working at the DMV said, "Oh, wow,

721. you don't turn 29 until your birthday."

722. So wait, do I kill myself or do you

723. kill yourself 'cause...

724. we both can't be on this world together.

725. One of us has to go.

726. I'm willing to make the sacrifice just to not

727. be in a place where you are.

728. If this was olden times, you'd be tied to a cinder block

729. and thrown in the ocean because your stupidity would endanger

730. the rest of the population.

731. On October 30 of 2011,

732. I had the darkest day of my life.

733. I had to take a shit on a plane.

734. It was horrible.

735. I never had that happen to me.

736. 16 years of flying, never shat on a plane.

737. Went through so many emotions.

738. First was anger— dammit, I got to shit on a plane!

739. Then it was denial— I'm not shitting on this plane.

740. Then it was sadness— I got to shit on a plane.

741. Then it was acceptance— hey, I guess

742. I got to shit on this plane.

743. Then it was happiness— yo, I'm shitting in the sky!

744. I went through a lot.

745. That poop joke was for the DVD.

746. That's not going to make television at all.

747. I was on a flight from Atlanta back to New York.

748. Former President Jimmy Carter was on the same flight as me.

749. Before the flight took off, he walked through

750. and shook everybody's hand that was on board.

751. Yo, are you running for president of this flight?

752. How you going to assume everybody wants to meet you?

753. Weren't you a one-term president?

754. You were bad at your job and why are you flying commercial?

755. So many questions for Jimmy Carter.

756. I also shook his hand,

757. because it seemed like the right thing to do.

758. I didn't want to mess up his hand shaking flow

759. that he seemed to be in. Who knows?

760. I don't shake his hand, he goes into shock,

761. passes out right there on the spot.

762. Now we're super delayed.

763. But I should have just fist bumped him

764. because I was sitting in 34D, so by the time he got to me

765. that means he had 30 plus rows of nasty, gross shit

766. from around the world on his hands.

767. Who knows what the person in 1A was doing with his hands.

768. 1A could have been touching on his travel balls.

769. He had a layover. It's all weird.

770. 2A has bomb water on his hands.

771. 2B has bomb juice on her hands.

772. On and on and on, it's 30-plus rows

773. of nasty shit Jimmy Carter had on his hands

774. when he touched mine.

775. Where's the hand sanitizer, Jimmy Carter?

776. Because you do this every flight and you know it, Jimmy Carter.

777. You should be prepared.

778. He had three Secret Service agents with him.

779. Why? Nobody's trying to murder Jimmy Carter.

780. Who's plotting that out?

781. We have to kill 80-year-old former president, Jimmy Carter.

782. "But hey, man, why don't we just let time kill Jimmy Carter?"

783. Replied his levelheaded co-conspirator.

784. You know why he had the Secret Service with him?

785. Because if he didn't, honestly,

786. I wouldn't have known it was Jimmy Carter.

787. I would've said, who's this old ass man from

788. first class trying to shake everybody's hand

789. and where is his hand sanitizer? This dude is disgusting.

790. I hate him.

791. But the girl sitting next to me was so

792. excited to meet Jimmy Carter.

793. As he approached, "Oh my god!

794. "This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!

795. This never happens in life! What!"

796. Yeah, a lot of stuff never happens in life,

797. but that doesn't make it good

798. because it's happening for the first time.

799. I've never been stabbed before, but if I get

800. stabbed for the first time, whoa,

801. is this happening to me right now?

802. Ahh!

803. I've never been attacked like this with a sharp weapon

804. piercing my flesh so violently.

805. I've never seen so much blood, never felt such pain.

806. Than you for this experience.

807. I feel sleepy. I'm fading.

808. I like to drink, but I only like to drink with people

809. that could hold their liquor.

810. I was out with this girl. I bought some drinks.

811. We go back to my hotel room, she starts

812. throwing up the drinks that I bought all over my hotel room.

813. I was very upset.

814. It was like she was throwing up my money on my money.

815. Very upsetting on so many levels.

816. Really, not that many levels.

817. People overuse that saying.

818. "It was messed up on so many levels, man!"

819. Oh, for real?

820. Why don't you name the levels?

821. Level three, metaphysical, eye level? Shut up, man.

822. You being dramatic right now.

823. I was at this music festival.

824. I was walking up the stairs to my hotel.

825. There was this man walking down the stairs.

826. This man started throwing up down the stairs.

827. Luckily, the vomit missed me.

828. I don't know what I would have done if it hit me.

829. Are you supposed to fight somebody

830. if they throw up on you? Hey, man, control your body!

831. Control your insides!

832. My stage punching is horrible.

833. Like, do you tax that person? Give me $40 and your left shoe.

834. That's the vomit tax. You suck.

835. Drink some water and go to bed.

836. But what really upset me was this man

837. was 40 years old, at least, and if you 40,

838. I don't think you should be throwing up

839. from alcohol anymore.

840. You should know your limits, man.

841. You have a family and a mortgage.

842. You here at this throwing up from vodka.

843. You should be ashamed of yourself.

844. I'm 28.

845. I haven't thrown up from alcohol in seven years

846. because whenever I feel the urge to throw up,

847. I'm able to channel that energy out into a hadouken!

848. Because I'm a goddamn warrior!

849. I'm an urban warrior!

850. And I mean urban, I mean I live in a city,

851. not urban to mean Black—

852. how white people use it.

853. I was at this bar in Minnesota.

854. I saw a bunch of people.

855. They were drinking and they had the same t-shirt.

856. They were having a pub crawl for cancer.

857. So they were drinking all day to raise money for cancer.

858. So, basically, getting one disease while fighting another.

859. Next month, they're having a cocaine snort-off

860. to raise money for leukemia.

861. All right, let's raise this money for leukemia, man.

862. Yeah!

863. Ah, yeah, leukemia!

864. One more line for leukemia!

865. Ah, you will not take my brother!

866. Ah!

867. I don't believe in cancer walks.

868. Well, I believe in them because they exist,

869. but I would rather just give money, straight up,

870. and save my Saturday afternoon.

871. I can make my own t-shirt.

872. That's not an incentive.

873. Plus, I don't think cancer responds

874. to how far people walk.

875. I don't think cancer is sitting at home, "What?

876. "How many people walk how far?

877. "How many people walked how far wearing the same shirt?

878. "That's crazy! I'm out of here!

879. Remission."

880. Just give money.

881. Whenever people are going through a struggle in life,

882. they get really cliche.

883. They say stuff like, I'm taking it one day at a time,

884. just taking it one day at a time.

885. You know who else is?

886. Everybody, because that's how time works.

887. That's the only way you can take time.

888. What were you doing it a week at a time before?

889. Who are you? Who taught you how to do that?

890. Please teach me how to do that.

891. I want to get through this quicker too.

892. I don't like when people say, I'll pray for you.

893. I'm going to pray for you.

894. Praying for you. You going to pray for me?

895. You're going to sit at home and do nothing.

896. Because that's what your prayers are,

897. you doing nothing while I struggle with a situation.

898. Don't pray for me.

899. Make me a sandwich or something because I'm very upset right

900. now and I can't make my own sandwiches,

901. so that would be cool if you made

902. me a sandwich instead of praying, which is kind of lazy.

903. Take action.

904. Well, we'll keep you in our thoughts.

905. With the other bullshit in your head?

906. No.

907. Keep me out of your thoughts because I hear some

908. of the stuff you talk about.

909. And that's close to what you're thinking about.

910. I don't want to be around that at all.

911. So keep me and my family out of your thoughts

912. unless you're thinking about making us sandwiches.

913. I was at the front desk of a hotel

914. and the front desk lady is screaming, "Oh, Jesus!

915. "Jesus! Oh, Jesus!"

916. I said, what's wrong? She said, "My back.

917. My back has just been killing me for months."

918. So you should try Vicadin. She said, "No, I'm trying Jesus.

919. I said, "No, you should try Vicadin."

920. And she said, "You should try Jesus."

921. I said, no, my back is great.

922. You should try half Jesus, half Vicadin.

923. Just get out your back, maybe real Vicadin,

924. placebo Jesus for your back.

925. I don't go to church.

926. Sometimes people be holy ghosting

927. and I can't get with that.

928. I think the holy ghost is just a reason for people

929. to dance like an asshole sober.

930. "Whoa, shit, I love—" are you for real?

931. "Oh, shit. Look at me.

932. "I love Jesus. I'm sweating.

933. I'm sweating so much for the lord."

934. Why you goofing off like that?

935. I still think you're a good person if you sit down.

936. I think the holy ghost is fake because people only get it

937. in church when they dance around other people

938. that's holy ghosting.

939. I'm surprised a rapper hasn't took that

940. and made it into a dance already.

941. Do the holy ghost.

942. Do the holy ghost.

943. Do the holy ghost.

944. Do the holy ghost.

945. Yeah, I did this shit on camera.

946. No rappers can steal it from me.

947. Do the holy ghost. Do the holy ghost.

948. I think the holy ghost is fake.

949. Nobody ever gets the holy ghost anywhere else.

950. Nobody ever catch the holy ghost in Arby's, like, "What?

951. Five for five? Whoa!"

952. I go to Black strip clubs.

953. The white strip clubs are boring.

954. They're good bars.

955. There's liquor there, some boring naked chick,

956. that's cool.

957. It's a good bar.

958. Bad strip club.

959. They dance to awful songs in white strip clubs.

960. I don't wanna see you dance to

961. Marilyn Manson "The Dope Show".

962. I saw this chick dancing.

963. She was dancing to Madonna, "Take a Bow".

964. Now I'm thinking of the video.

965. It was sad, with the matador.

966. He died or something.

967. Why don't you dance to the songs that rappers made specifically

968. for the strip club?

969. "Shake that ass while I throw money that I made

970. selling crack!"

971. Like, yo, this is good music for this environment.

972. I'm big rap fan. I went to a concert.

973. I saw his group Odd Future perform.

974. They had some good songs.

975. But the closing— the hook to their closing song

976. was, "Kill people, burn shit, fuck school."

977. "Kill people, burn shit, fuck school."

978. But doesn't it seem like they're getting more

979. reasonable as they go along?

980. Kill people, that's murder.

981. That's awful.

982. Burn shit, it depends on what you're burning, right?

983. If it's a controlled fire, go ahead, do your thing.

984. Fuck school? That's just truancy.

985. What are you standing on, man?

986. That's weak. Who hasn't missed class before?

987. They're gonna get more and more reasonable in their raps.

988. "Kill people, burn shit, fuck school,

989. "I hate spam email.

990. "That's annoying.

991. "When you think you've got an email from a friend

992. "and it's already in spam.

993. "Stop messing with my emotions.

994. "And I hate hotel TVs.

995. "Why they always start on the menu

996. "channel instead of the channel I was watching already?

997. I've already seen Limitless."

998. "Why does iTunes keep trying to get me

999. "to download a new version?

1000. "I got a new version of couple of days ago.

1001. I'm fine with this version. It plays music."

1002. There's this rapper, Young Jeezy,

1003. he has a song where he says, "house stupid dumb big,

1004. my rooms got rooms."

1005. All right.

1006. Nah, Jeezy, those are closets.

1007. Those aren't extra room in your rooms.

1008. Jeezy, he'd be the worst real estate agent ever.

1009. Right here, we have a 34-bedroom house.

1010. Let me show you around the property.

1011. Great feature of this place, some of the rooms

1012. have extra smaller rooms in them.

1013. You have to sleep in these rooms like this— very

1014. unique sleeping situation inspired by the Japanese.

1015. Let me show you to the bathroom. The bathroom is great.

1016. You have a regular sized tub,

1017. the we have a miniature tub, the sink.

1018. I do— I feel like rap affects how I talk with people too much.

1019. It's not good. I was talking with my mom on the phone

1020. and she was telling me, "Hannibal,

1021. "so I'm watching your niece and nephew for a week

1022. while your sister is gone."

1023. And I was like, for a week, Mom?

1024. They want you— you watch them for the whole week?

1025. Are they paying you to watch them for a week?

1026. That's a long time. You getting paid?

1027. She said, "No, Hannibal.

1028. "A grandmother doesn't have to get paid

1029. to watch her grandkids."

1030. I say, yo, Ma, money over everything.

1031. That's not healthy.

1032. Sometimes I get drunk and I get into arguments

1033. with taxi drivers.

1034. And I get out the cab, and I slam the door.

1035. That's not the way to win an argument with a taxi driver.

1036. The way to win is you get out the cab

1037. and you leave the door open.

1038. Then he has to step out,

1039. come around, and close that door.

1040. While he's doing that, I'm on the other side

1041. opening the other doors.

1042. And we just keep going around and around

1043. and around and around.

1044. I got my own Benny Hill situation going on in life.

1045. It's great.

1046. I get upset easily by people.

1047. I saw this guy, he was on the phone.

1048. He had the phone between his ear and his shoulder like that.

1049. But he didn't have anything in his hands.

1050. Which is really upsetting.

1051. Who the hell do you think you are?

1052. This action is for people that are multitasking.

1053. Where's your other task?

1054. You're not doing anything else.

1055. I was hoping somebody would throw a pumpkin at him.

1056. "Yeah, I'm still here.

1057. "You wouldn't believe it, somebody just

1058. "threw a pumpkin at me, man.

1059. "Yeah, but don't worry.

1060. "You know what my phone technique is.

1061. "Yeah, I keep my hands free.

1062. "You never know what's going to happen out

1063. "here in these crazy streets.

1064. "These streets are so crazy.

1065. Why am I still holding this pumpkin? Hello?"

1066. I was back home in Chicago in the summer,

1067. and I get an email from this nightclub saying, Hannibal,

1068. we wanna welcome you back home to Chicago.

1069. Come party at our club.

1070. We're going to have a section for you

1071. and a complimentary bottle.

1072. So bring you and your team, and come party.

1073. I say, oh, man. I got to get a team.

1074. I don't have a team. I just have my friends.

1075. So I call up my friend. Hey, man.

1076. I know you're my friend, but I need a team right now.

1077. I'm putting together a team.

1078. And so I put together a team.

1079. We go to the club. I have to walk up to this guy.

1080. Hey, man. I'm Hannibal Buress.

1081. This is my team right here.

1082. Then he starts examining my team.

1083. "Hey, man. Your team's four dudes and one girl.

1084. Hey, listen, it was a hastily assembled team.

1085. This is not my ideal team makeup.

1086. But y'all emailed me. Let us in.

1087. So we get in the club.

1088. I'm not a club person.

1089. I'm more of a bar/lounge type of person.

1090. But I'll go anywhere

1091. if you give me a free bottle of alcohol.

1092. Most places, "Hey, Hannibal, you want to hang out in this room

1093. full of tarantulas and snakes?"

1094. Yeah. If there's free liquor in that room?

1095. I'll hang out. I'll stomp the shit out of tarantulas,

1096. and slap the shit out of a snake and just

1097. drink them free drinks. It's nothing.

1098. And then we'll go to the other lounge

1099. where there's a dude throwing knives at you the whole time.

1100. But it's not that tough.

1101. He might nick you at first, but then you get into rhythm

1102. where you dodge and drink. Dodge and drink.

1103. Don't be a pussy about it.

1104. So we get in the club. It's a weird place.

1105. I look around.

1106. Everybody's standing on couches doing this shit.

1107. I was like, why's everybody doing that?

1108. That looks dumb as hell. You standing on the couch.

1109. What if I want to sit on the couch after you do that?

1110. That's rude. But it's infectious.

1111. Three drinks in, I start...

1112. And it's funny, when you have bottle service

1113. in a club like that, which is pretty expensive,

1114. girls just come up to you.

1115. "Hey, what's going on? What's up? Hey."

1116. I'm like, whoa, all this for a bottle of Absolut?

1117. Wow. You wouldn't act like that

1118. if I walked up to you on the street with a bottle of Absolut.

1119. Hey, what's on, girl?

1120. I have this $30 bottle of mid-level vodka.

1121. You want to drink this straight on the curb with me?

1122. I love you.

1123. So packed. It's so packed.

1124. This one guy, somehow— he knocked all of the liquor

1125. and juice off the table.

1126. Somehow he scissor-kicked me in the face.

1127. I don't even know how he got that angle.

1128. I'm wobbly.

1129. And he didn't even acknowledge that he did any of that.

1130. He just kept it moving.

1131. And that's my least favorite thing about clubs,

1132. is when people bump you without saying "excuse me."

1133. I wish I could fart on every person that does that.

1134. But I can't time out my farts like that,

1135. so I just stew about it.

1136. So it's getting late.

1137. I decided to walk around the club one more time.

1138. And of course, it's crowded. I'm getting pushed.

1139. I say, hey, man. You are pushing me right now.

1140. He said, "I'm sorry, I was just trying to get through.

1141. I said, yeah, you can get through without pushing

1142. the shit out of me. And he says, "Relax."

1143. I said, no, you relax.

1144. Because you are pushing people right now.

1145. And he said, "Security!"

1146. And then two security guards come out of nowhere

1147. and swoop down.

1148. They kick me out of the club.

1149. They take a full drink out of my hands.

1150. It's kind of disappointing.

1151. So apparently that guy was the owner.

1152. But if you the owner, just announce yourself.

1153. "Hey, man. Relax. I own the place."

1154. I said, for real? Thanks for the Absolut.

1155. I live here in New York.

1156. There's a lot of dudes in my neighborhood

1157. that have handlebar mustaches.

1158. Which is cool if you want to have a handlebar mustache,

1159. but don't try to have a conversation with me

1160. like you don't have a handlebar mustache.

1161. They try to talk about regular stuff,

1162. like music and politics. No, dude.

1163. You got a handlebar mustache.

1164. All I wanna hear you talk about is slinkies

1165. and kazoos and that's it.

1166. Let's talk about kazoos for a few minutes.

1167. You going to hop on a unicycle and juggle,

1168. you carnival face motherfucker.

1169. Yeah, I'm tackling the real issues up here.

1170. I'm the Lenny Bruce of grocery store and mustache humor.

1171. Edgy mustache humor, the Hannibal Buress story.

1172. My name is Hannibal. That's my real name.

1173. I feel like having this name has caused

1174. me to miss out on several potential sexual encounters.

1175. "Hey, what's your name?" It's Hannibal.

1176. "All right, bye."

1177. Seriously? I'm a real dude.

1178. That's a movie dude that you're judging me over.

1179. That's not fair.

1180. Every day, I have the same conversation

1181. with people about my name.

1182. "Your real name is Hannibal?"

1183. Yes, my real name is Hannibal.

1184. "Your parents named you Hannibal?"

1185. Yeah, my parents named me Hannibal.

1186. "So Hannibal is on your birth certificate?"

1187. Yes, Hannibal is on my birth certificate.

1188. But why you just ask me the same question

1189. in three different ways?

1190. I want to choke that person and see how they handle that.

1191. "Are you choking me right now?"

1192. Yeah, I'm choking you right now.

1193. "Are you using your hands to apply force to my neck?"

1194. Yeah, I'm using my hands to apply force to your neck.

1195. "Are you trying to stop the circulation of blood and oxygen

1196. to my brain so I pass out?"

1197. Yes, I'm trying to stop the circulation of blood and oxygen

1198. to your brain so you'll pass out.

1199. Sometimes when I travel, I go to Facebook

1200. and search what Facebook friends I have in that city,

1201. and I hit them up.

1202. So I was in Ann Arbor, Michigan, and I saw this girl's picture.

1203. And I said, "Hey, what's up?

1204. I'm in town doing shows. What are you up to?"

1205. And then I pressed Send.

1206. And I read in her profile and it said Brandy

1207. attends Ann Arbor High School.

1208. I say, oh, shit.

1209. So I sent a second message that said, "Uh-oh.

1210. Haha. Never mind."

1211. But the way Facebook messaging works,

1212. if you send a message, then a second message

1213. before they reply to the first message,

1214. it combines those into one message.

1215. So it looks like I said, "Hey, what's up?

1216. I'm in town doing shows. What are you up to?

1217. Uh-oh. Haha. Never mind."

1218. Like I'm some type of regretful pedophile or something.

1219. It's like, nah, I just sent a message.

1220. So I had to send a third message.

1221. I couldn't leave it like that.

1222. It said, "Brandy, Facebook messaging

1223. "combines the messages.

1224. "I sent a message saying what's up.

1225. "Then I saw that you was 16.

1226. "I sent another message that said never mind.

1227. "It combined those into one message

1228. "making me look like a regretful pedophile.

1229. "This is a third message. It ends right here.

1230. "Goodbye forever.

1231. Or, goodbye for two years."

1232. Scouting.

1233. Planting seeds.

1234. This month, I pulled a power move on my landlord.

1235. I wrote my rent check for one cent less than what my rent is.

1236. We had a stare down.

1237. Yeah, it's one cent less. Now what?

1238. What now?

1239. The front door's messed up and you have to fix that.

1240. The room light is all weird.

1241. You need to fix all that stuff before I

1242. got the other tenants for next month's one penny movement.

1243. You stand to lose two to eight cents,

1244. depending on participation levels.

1245. Money over everything.

1246. My other nemesis in life is my teenage cousin.

1247. I don't like him at all.

1248. I think he's a horrible person.

1249. And I hope he doesn't get into college.

1250. If one of y'all was whipping his ass right now,

1251. I'd let you get four more hits in before I stopped you.

1252. Like hey, hey, hey...

1253. Get off my cousin, man.

1254. He always talks trash about my comedy.

1255. "Hey, Hannibal.

1256. "We were watching your stand-up on YouTube.

1257. It wasn't funny, man."

1258. So I had to figure out, what could I say back

1259. to his 17-year-old boy that would destroy him?

1260. Because I'm not letting this slide.

1261. I'm very petty. And I figured it out.

1262. And I just accused him of masturbating,

1263. because teenagers can't handle that.

1264. Their psyches are weak. So I say, what, man?

1265. You coming from jacking off?

1266. He goes, "No, I wasn't jacking off, Hannibal!

1267. "Why would you say that? I do not jack off.

1268. I will never jack off. Get out of here, Hannibal."

1269. Why you want me to get out of here, so you can jack off?

1270. "No!"

1271. That won't work on me, I'm 28.

1272. You say, Hannibal, you jacking off?

1273. Yeah.

1274. Yes, I was jacking off.

1275. I was jacking off so I can have sex for longer later.

1276. That's grown man stuff.

1277. I'm planning out my life.

1278. Sometimes when I watch porn, I put my hoodie

1279. on so I feel creepier.

1280. Sometimes I get under the computer

1281. so it feels like I'm spying on her.

1282. Like, yeah.

1283. Everybody needs a masturbation hoodie in my opinion.

1284. It's necessary.

1285. You have to keep your top warm, because your bottom is exposed.

1286. Life is all about balance.

1287. Yeah.

1288. I like when women are talkative in bed but not too talkative.

1289. I'll explain.

1290. This one girl, her sentences were too long.

1291. I feel like the sentences that women say should be short.

1292. Quick sentences, three to five words.

1293. "Lick my clit. Suck my tits.

1294. "You like that? Yeah, I like that.

1295. Spank my ass. Fuck me from behind."

1296. Short sentences.

1297. But she was saying stuff like, "What was it

1298. "about me at the bar that made you want to come up to me

1299. and talk to me initially?"

1300. In my bed?

1301. Well, what happened was the girl that I was really going for,

1302. she left, so I had a lot of liquor in me.

1303. I wasn't going to give up on the night.

1304. "But what was it? Why were you so drawn to me?"

1305. Because I thought you wouldn't do this shit right here.

1306. She just kept talking, "Hannibal,

1307. "let's build something, make it a special experience.

1308. "I want you to fuck me all night.

1309. You gonna fuck me all night?"

1310. No, not at all.

1311. "How long you going to fuck me for?"

1312. Between 17 and 21 minutes.

1313. But she talked so much. It was horrible.

1314. It was the first time I ever came fast out of spite.

1315. Like, I gotta come and go to bed

1316. and sleep off your personality.

1317. You put me in a funny mental place.

1318. I probably have a weird dream because of you.

1319. I meet some crazy women.

1320. I met this one girl at a bar.

1321. It was 3:00 in the morning. We had some drinks,

1322. go back to her place at 4:00 in the morning.

1323. We get there, she says, "All right, don't try

1324. to hook up with me."

1325. Don't try to hook up? You just brought me,

1326. a stranger, back to your place

1327. at 4:00 in the morning.

1328. What's your motivation?

1329. Because you couldn't possibly think

1330. I want to talk with you this long.

1331. And she said, I would like to hook up,

1332. but I recently had an abortion.

1333. I said, well, do you want to have another one?

1334. I didn't say that.

1335. I would never say something like that out loud.

1336. Fix your face. Don't look at me like that.

1337. I didn't say that.

1338. Why would she tell me that, though?

1339. You know, I don't deserve that information from you.

1340. You just met me. Where are your boundaries?

1341. You are over-sharing right now.

1342. You know how I am? I got good buddies

1343. that don't even know how many siblings I have.

1344. And you telling me this an hour in?

1345. Whatever, girl. It's going to be all right.

1346. You just take it one day at a time

1347. and I will pray for you.

1348. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

1349. People went crazy for— for Black Friday.

1350. It was weird.

1351. People camp out for the deals.

1352. Yeah, you got the deal.

1353. But you camped out.

1354. That negates the deal.

1355. I'd rather pay full price and sleep in my bed.

1356. Yeah, I don't want to buy gifts for people.

1357. I'm fine with buying gifts for people, but it's just the time—

1358. I wish I could just give people the amount

1359. of money that correlates to how much I loved them.

1360. I love you. Here's $500.

1361. You all right. Here's $37.

1362. I hate you. Give me $50.

1363. I lost my debit card recently.

1364. I had five charges on it before I caught it.

1365. First charge, $30. Chuck E. Cheese.

1366. Who goes to Chuck E. Cheese as soon as they find a debit card?

1367. Are you serious? "Hey, I just found this debit card.

1368. "Who's up for some horrible pizza and whack-a-mole?

1369. "Let's go right now.

1370. "Who's up for flat Pepsi and air hockey?

1371. "Let's get it while we can.

1372. "Time is of the essence.

1373. This dude is about to cancel this, y'all."

1374. First charge, Chuck. E. Cheese.

1375. Second charge, $170 at Target.

1376. Third charge, $300 at Walmart.

1377. Fourth charge, $18 on gas.

1378. Fifth charge, Chuck E. Cheese again.

1379. What type of monster are you?

1380. You didn't have enough fun the first time?

1381. Did my card get stolen by a nine-year-old

1382. or by some horrible broke father who can finally take

1383. his kids out with my money?

1384. I hope they had a horrible time on the second outing.

1385. I hope the pizza made his family sick.

1386. And I hope his kids never learn to read.

1387. Then another time, my card info got stolen

1388. somebody was charging up crazy stuff in California.

1389. I live in New York.

1390. Two separate $400 charges at Barnes & Noble.

1391. Who balls out of control at Barnes & Noble?

1392. Who's ever spent more than $80 there?

1393. And I hate Visa and Fraud Prevention

1394. for not knowing I'm not the type of guy

1395. to spend $800 in 30 minutes on books.

1396. You don't want to call me and check that one out?

1397. "Oh, we thought maybe you went on a knowledge binge."

1398. No, I didn't go on a knowledge binge.

1399. That wasn't me. Why didn't you call me?

1400. You know with your whole heart that wasn't me.

1401. I really wish you would have called me.

1402. Because sometimes you call me for some of the silliest stuff.

1403. "Hey, Mr. Buress.

1404. "Fraud Prevention, just doing a courtesy call.

1405. I wanted to verify this $3 charge on bread

1406. two blocks away from your house."

1407. Yeah, that was me spending $3 on bread

1408. two blocks away from my house.

1409. But that wasn't me spending $800 on books

1410. across the fucking country.

1411. Then, a $600 charge at Bed, Bath & Beyond.

1412. So I knew I was dealing with a woman.

1413. That loofah-buying cunt.

1414. How many body washes does she need?

1415. Hope that she gave her family bed bugs.

1416. And I also hope her kids never learn to read.

1417. And if her kids already know how to read,

1418. I hope they forget how to read.

1419. Then they can't get usage out of that $800 worth of books.

1420. And I know some of y'all tightened up when

1421. I called that woman a cunt.

1422. But somebody that steal more than $1,000 from me,

1423. I call them what the fuck I want.

1424. But I can't front, though.

1425. When I was 13, I found a credit card in the ATM,

1426. went straight to Toys "R" Us, rang up a PlayStation.

1427. Me, 13-year-old Black kid with a credit card.

1428. The name on it is John Hammerschmidt.

1429. And with full confidence,

1430. I walk over with Mr. Hammerschmidt's card.

1431. They look at it. It this your card?

1432. Yeah, that's my card.

1433. It's my step dad's card, John Hammerschmidt.

1434. I'm authorized.

1435. He's like, "Can you stay right here?"

1436. Nah.

1437. "Now, stand right here."

1438. No, that sounds kind of setup-ish.

1439. How about we just go our separate ways forever?

1440. Yeah, let's just go our separate ways forever.

1441. So I've gained weight over the past year.

1442. People love to tell you when you've gained weight.

1443. They give you no advice after.

1444. "Hey, you got fat. All right, see you later."

1445. And that's... that's it.

1446. I picked up a "Men's Health" magazine.

1447. I only picked up one, no need to subscribe.

1448. It's the same magazine every month.

1449. Get rock hard abs. Check out these shirts.

1450. Here's some stuff to say to fuck girls— every issue.

1451. Six-pack abs. Ten-pack abs.

1452. 12-pack. What if I want an odd number of abs?

1453. What if I want a five-pack to show people I'm still humble?

1454. "Yo, what did Hannibal do

1455. "to isolate that flab right there, man?

1456. "He has five muscles and one piece of flab right there.

1457. How much does this dude hate symmetry?"

1458. The weirdest people in my life talk to me about my weight.

1459. My grandmother. "Hannibal, you've gained weight."

1460. What does this mean, Grandma?

1461. We can't fuck anymore?

1462. Why are you talking to me about my weight?

1463. You're my grandmother.

1464. "Hannibal, you gaining weight."

1465. Your titties are really sagging, Grandma.

1466. Why are we talking about each other's bodies right now?

1467. I don't know what your motivation was.

1468. I was just being defensive.

1469. I do it at restaurants a bunch.

1470. Whenever I eat at a restaurant,

1471. I never put the napkin in my lap.

1472. I never put the napkin in my lap.

1473. And people say, "Hannibal, why don't

1474. you put the napkin in your lap?"

1475. Because I believe in myself.

1476. I believe in my ability to not spill food on my pants

1477. because I'm a god damn adult, and I've mastered the art

1478. of getting food from my plate to my mouth

1479. without messing up my jeans.

1480. You need to believe in yourself, too,

1481. and get your life together, that's for babies.

1482. Have some confidence in your eating abilities

1483. and hand-eye coordination.

1484. Believe in yourself.

1485. Believe in yourself like one of those weird-ass

1486. clothing stores that only have six shirts in them.

1487. So many questions. How much do these shirts cost?

1488. How long have you all been here? Why is there a DJ?

1489. Come in the store, hey, can I check out this shirt?

1490. "No, I'm spinning right now."

1491. My judgment gets messed up more by food and juice

1492. than it does by drugs or alcohol.

1493. Two examples of this.

1494. On my way to the airport, I bought a McGriddle,

1495. bacon, egg and cheese, I go to the airport.

1496. Stop at security. Go get a newspaper.

1497. I get to my gate, the McGriddle was gone.

1498. Very upset. I go back to where I bought the newspaper from.

1499. Excuse me, did y'all find

1500. a bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle?

1501. This is very important to me.

1502. It had a hash brown with it if you need clues.

1503. They said no.

1504. I walked back to my gate defeated to American Airlines.

1505. They say, "Is your name Hannibal Buress?"

1506. Yeah, that is my name.

1507. Did I write my name on the McGriddle or something?

1508. She says, "No, you dropped your passport here."

1509. But I didn't realize I dropped my passport because I was so

1510. busy trying to recover a bacon, egg and cheese McGriddle

1511. that I didn't care about international travel.

1512. Whatever, going to other countries is overrated.

1513. Where else am I gonna find a McGriddle?

1514. Those are scarce.

1515. I love apple juice.

1516. It's my favorite of the juices.

1517. One day, me and my girlfriend go to the grocery store.

1518. Mott's fresh-pressed natural apple juice,

1519. $1.79 for a half gallon.

1520. That's great sale. We get eight bottles.

1521. Eight bottle is all we have on the belt.

1522. In front of us is an old man looking back shaking his head.

1523. "No. No, nah."

1524. What's wrong, old man?

1525. You mad because we have all this apple juice?

1526. You can go get some too. It's over there in aisle four.

1527. But if not, stop judging us.

1528. Hell yeah we are hoarding apple juice,

1529. taking advantage of this sale

1530. before this store realizes

1531. what a horrible mistake they've made.

1532. And you know what?

1533. We're back here happy with our apple juice,

1534. and you up there lonely with the chili and your beans.

1535. You lonely chili-and-beans-eating old man.

1536. But it took me a minute to realize

1537. he wasn't shaking his head because of the apple juice.

1538. He was shaking his head because my girlfriend was white

1539. and he didn't agree with that.

1540. But I was so caught up in the euphoria of having

1541. all that apple juice that for a minute,

1542. I lived in this world where racism didn't exist.

1543. It was obvious that this old man is just an apple juice hater.

1544. And he's just mad because he can't get all the apple juice

1545. that I'm getting right now.

1546. Hey, thanks a lot, y'all. I appreciate you all coming.

1547. Thank you.