1. Hello.
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2. Hey.
All right.
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3. What's going on, everybody?
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4. How you doing?
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5. What's up?
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6. I hope you all had
an easy time
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7. getting into this building
because I did not.
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8. I tried to walk up like,
"Yeah, I'm shooting a special."
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9. I was excited
to walk in and go over.
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10. And then dude was like,
"Hold up, hold up, hold up."
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11. He said,
"You working here?"
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12. I say, "I'm doing
a little bit of work here.
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13. Can I come in, please?"
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14. "Hold up.
Let me call it in."
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15. Man, security is serious.
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16. This is nice.
This is nice.
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17. It's a two-hour special.
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18. They got a girl in the back,
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19. she brushed my goatee
for me.
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20. That was nice.
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21. I done TV before, but nobody
ever brushed my goatee.
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22. I got a brush.
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23. I never even brushed
my goatee.
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24. It never even occurred to me.
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25. I was like, "This is...
this is really good."
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26. My first regular comedy gig,
I hosted an open mic
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27. in my college town.
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28. It was poetry, music,
comedy, everything.
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29. One show, I had an ex-girlfriend
that showed up to perform.
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30. I had to introduce her
to the stage.
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31. It was very awkward.
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32. "Coming to the stage...
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33. "is the cold-hearted bitch
that broke my heart.
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34. "You may know her from
not returning my phone calls
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35. "and also giving out
mediocre blow jobs.
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36. Make a lot of noise
for Tia Johnson, everybody."
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37. I got to stop saying
her real name.
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38. I really...
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39. I should stop saying
her real name.
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40. I should say something else.
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41. I can still say
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42. the "I got to stop saying
her real name" joke
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43. and still say a fake name,
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44. but I keep saying
her real name.
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45. A few summers ago,
I went on a tour
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46. with a bunch of bands.
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47. Before the tour started,
I wanted to get an idea
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48. who I'd be working with,
so I watched some of these bands
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49. on YouTube.
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50. And I was watching clips,
and one of the bands,
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51. every show, the lead would put
the microphone in his ass,
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52. so I was concerned.
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53. So then I emailed
the promoter,
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54. said, "Hey, man, what's up
with this dude
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55. putting a microphone
in his ass?"
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56. And he wrote me back
and said,
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57. "Don't worry.
Microphone-in-the-ass guy
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58. brings his own microphone."
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59. As he should bring
his own microphone!
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60. But I'm sure it didn't start out
like that.
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61. Probably just was complaints
from other performers.
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62. "Hey, man, I don't want
to be a diva or anything,
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63. "but this guy just totally
assed-out the microphone,
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64. "so is there a way to get
a spare microphone,
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65. "or is there something
we can spray on the microphone
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66. "and make it un-assed?
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67. "I'm not used to working
like this, man.
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68. This is not why I got
in the music business."
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69. They would put on a live show.
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70. Every show,
the lead from the band
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71. would take a garbage can
full of bar garbage
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72. and throw it on the head
of his drummer.
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73. And the drummer
just keep drumming
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74. with garbage
on his body.
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75. My favorite show
was in Montreal.
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76. During that, somebody else
from the crowd
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77. took the garbage can off
of the drummer's head,
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78. put it on his own head.
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79. I don't know
why he did that
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80. 'cause immediately after,
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81. somebody else in the crowd
punched him
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82. in his garbage can head,
and he fell
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83. to the ground, bloodied.
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84. Now I'll tell you
why that happened.
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85. That's because,
when you put a garbage can
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86. on your head,
it limits your peripheral vision
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87. about 100%,
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88. leaving you very open
to those type of attacks.
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89. That's why I never put
garbage cans on my head
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90. 'cause I always need to know
what's going on around me,
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91. and I can't maintain
that level of awareness
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92. with a garbage can
on my head.
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93. I just know myself
like that.
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94. I felt bad for the guy
'cause it happened so fast,
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95. he didn't even get to enjoy
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96. having a garbage can
on his head.
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97. His two consecutive thoughts
were,
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98. "I have a garbage can
on my head!
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99. "Man, I regret putting
that garbage can on my head.
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100. That was a horrible idea."
Copy !req
101. So I do... I do shows
at colleges sometimes,
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102. and when I do a college show,
I'll do an interview
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103. with the school paper,
and the result could be
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104. a horrible article,
so I want to share with y'all
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105. this article from a gig I did
at Eastern Illinois University
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106. in Charleston, Illinois.
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107. This is all real
and in print.
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108. A human being wrote this.
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109. And then they sent it
to a higher-ranking human being,
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110. an editor, and that person said,
"Yeah, let's go with that."
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111. "Quick-witted Buress
set for laughs.
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112. Comedian helps bring diversity
to campus."
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113. Wait, wait, wait,
I'm responsible
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114. for bringing diversity
to your campus?
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115. 'Cause you realize
the type of diversity I bring
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116. is very temporary
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117. because I'm leaving as soon
as I get my check.
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118. This town sucks.
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119. Actually pay me
before the show.
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120. It was a phone interview,
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121. and sometimes when I do
phone interviews
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122. and the journalist is boring,
I just start saying crazy stuff
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123. to make it fun for me and make
the most out of my time,
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124. and she said, "What do you talk
about in your comedy?"
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125. I said, "I talk
about the streets."
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126. And she put that in the paper
for real.
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127. "His performances
include comedic jokes..."
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128. Wait, wait, wait.
Comedic jokes?
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129. As opposed
to all the other types of jokes
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130. that are out there?
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131. Am I missing out
on a genre of jokes?
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132. I'd hate that for that to be
the reason I don't make it big.
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133. "Yeah, Hannibal Buress
could have been huge,
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134. "but he focused all his energy
on comedic jokes
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135. "when there were so many
other types of jokes out there.
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136. He really pigeonholed
himself."
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137. And I'm some bitter,
old man comedian.
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138. "These young comedians, they
focus on all types of jokes.
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139. "Esoteric jokes
and jokes about hats.
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140. "We're purists.
We only did comedic jokes.
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141. These young dudes, man."
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142. "His performances
include comedic jokes
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143. "related to personal stories,
current events,
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144. the streets..."
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145. You know what,
I take the blame for that.
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146. I said that on the record.
I take the blame.
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147. "His performances
include comedic jokes
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148. "related to personal stories,
current events,
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149. the streets,
and even food, he said."
Copy !req
150. What?
Even food?
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151. Who else is talking about food
in the comedy game right now?
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152. Nobody. Just Hannibal Buress,
that's all.
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153. He has cornered
that subject matter.
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154. He is the Lenny Bruce
of grocery store humor.
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155. He is so edgy.
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156. You should have saw
when he was
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157. in Dallas, Texas.
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158. Half the crowd walked out
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159. when he did his new bit
about lettuce.
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160. It was crazy.
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161. He was too edgy
for that town.
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162. "Matt Caponera, the university
comedy coordinator,
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163. "said Buress was picked
because he stood out more
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164. "than other choices.
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165. "'He stands out
like an exclamation point,'
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166. Caponera said."
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167. I don't know if that's weird
or borderline racist.
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168. Let's go with weird.
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169. It's easy to go r...
let's go with weird.
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170. 'Cause I think it's weird to
compare people to punctuation.
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171. "Nah, I think he's more
like a semicolon comedian.
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172. "Very semicolon, like,
in delivery
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173. and how he paces."
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174. I don't even know
how to use a semicolon
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175. to this day.
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176. I use a comma every time.
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177. And you know what,
if I email somebody,
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178. they get upset about me using
a comma instead of a semicolon,
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179. that's not a person I want
to work with anyway.
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180. And that's how you weed people
out of your life.
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181. "Buress was
the most popular comedian
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182. in Caponera's price range
of $2,000."
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183. It was a couple years ago.
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184. Two things about that...
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185. You goddamn right I was.
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186. Hell, yeah.
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187. I was ruling
that price range
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188. in the Midwest
two years ago.
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189. How tacky is that?
Did she go to her editor?
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190. "Hey, I want to make
this article more tacky.
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191. You have any ideas?"
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192. "Well, maybe you could mention
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193. "the amount of money
he's making from the show.
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194. "That adds nothing
to the article at all.
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195. "Plus, we get the added bonus of
putting his business out there
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196. "and making it harder
for him to charge
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197. more than that in the future."
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198. "So I think, if you're going
for word count,
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199. that's your move."
Copy !req
200. "Caponera said
he also picked Buress
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201. "because he is
African-American,
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202. "which added more diversity
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203. "to the comedic lineup
this semester.
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204. "'He's a black comedian,
so it makes our crowd
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205. more diverse, and everyone
gets what they want,'
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206. Caponera said."
Copy !req
207. Everyone gets what they want?
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208. That's a weird,
broad thing to say.
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209. Even people that didn't attend
the show...
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210. "Hey, did you book
Hannibal Buress?"
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211. "Yeah, we booked.
Why, you coming to the show?"
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212. "Nah, I'm not coming
to the show,
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213. but I got what I wanted."
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214. Because everybody gets
what they want
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215. when I come to town.
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216. Town morale peaks.
It's at a all-time high.
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217. Everybody's happy.
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218. They go
to the local grocery store,
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219. just juggling items,
no intention on buying 'em,
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220. just in the aisles yelling,
"Even food!
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221. He's coming to town, y'all!
Hell, yeah!"
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222. "You think he's gonna do
the lettuce bit?"
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223. "I don't know.
I'm not even going to the show.
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224. I'm just happy he's here."
Copy !req
225. Two years ago, I got a job
writing at Saturday Night Live.
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226. My first week writing
at Saturday Night Live,
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227. Megan Fox was the host,
and you can meet
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228. with the host
to talk about your sketch.
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229. So a producer comes around,
said,
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230. "Hey, do you want Megan Fox
to come by your office?"
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231. "Yeah.
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232. Yeah, I do."
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233. Are you creating a situation
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234. where Megan Fox
has to talk to me?
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235. Hell, yeah.
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236. So to give you some background
on the sketch
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237. I wrote for her...
I'm a big fan of scatting...
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238. in music,
not scatting shitting on people.
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239. You got to be clear
for people.
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240. 'Cause I always wonder
how scatting started.
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241. I picture two singers
in the back of a club,
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242. one of 'em, "Hey, man, did you
write your song for tonight?"
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243. "No, I only wrote
half of it."
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244. "What are you gonna do?"
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245. "I think
I'm gonna sing that half,
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246. and the rest
I'm singing gibberish."
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247. "You can't sing gibberish."
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248. "Listen, man,
these people are drunk.
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249. "We got a band back here
with us.
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250. "If I feel like I can sell it,
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251. we can just do
some rhythmic gibberish."
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252. And he goes out there...
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253. And people go crazy
for gibberish.
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254. He's walking offstage
all cocky.
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255. The other guy's like,
"Whatever.
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256. When you're right,
you're right."
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257. So I wrote a sketch
where Megan Fox
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258. was a horror movie villain
that killed her victims
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259. with scatting.
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260. Yeah, it didn't make it
to television at all.
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261. It didn't deserve
to make it to television.
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262. But what's cool about S NL
is that all the sketches
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263. get read through,
so Megan Fox had to scat
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264. in a room full of people.
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265. And I'm like a creep
in the corner,
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266. holding my script like,
"Yes!
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267. "Megan Fox is reading my words
right now.
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268. "Yeah! Megan Fox is reading
the words right now
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269. "that I wrote.
Oh, no.
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270. Megan, you messed up a lot."
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271. One week,
there was a monkey
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272. written
into the opening monologue.
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273. And then the day before the show
we got a message
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274. saying we had
to write new jokes
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275. because the monkey
isn't available anymore.
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276. Which makes me picture
a monkey on the phone like,
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277. "Yeah, I don't want to do
Saturday Night Live anymore.
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278. "I don't like that show.
That show sucks.
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279. It hasn't been funny
since the '70s."
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280. I'm like, "Damn,
that monkey's kind of mean.
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281. And he's over-romanticizing
the Belushi era."
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282. That shit was...
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283. So there's a dress rehearsal
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284. and an air show
that do...
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285. it's more sketches
on the dress rehearsal.
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286. Whatever doesn't do well
gets cut,
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287. and then that's the air show.
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288. So I had a sketch
that made it
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289. to dress rehearsal,
and when you have that,
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290. you sit under the bleachers
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291. where the audience is sitting
with Lorne Michaels.
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292. And you watch it
on a monitor,
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293. and he gives you notes.
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294. This particular sketch of mine
Copy !req
295. was bombing horribly.
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296. And during that,
I was just practicing
Copy !req
297. acting like my sketch
wasn't bombing.
Copy !req
298. "Hey, chill out, man.
It's a slow build.
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299. "It's a slow build.
Relax."
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300. It was a slow build
to nothing.
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301. This sketch bombed horribly.
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302. And he usually gives a note...
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303. "Maybe this person
should walk in quicker."
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304. He didn't have nothing
to say.
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305. It just was quiet.
He said...
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306. "Well, that was
conceptually adventurous."
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307. I liked that job though.
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308. We had interns
at the job.
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309. You tell them to do stuff,
and they do it.
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310. It's great. You got to be nice
to them though.
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311. I had this guy fax something.
"Hey, man, fax that for me."
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312. And I gave him another page.
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313. "Hey, fax something
for yourself too."
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314. I was leaving work one day,
I got on the elevator.
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315. Going down,
it stopped on three,
Copy !req
316. this man got on
and said, "Thank you."
Copy !req
317. What are you thanking me for?
I don't work on the elevator.
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318. This ain't Mad Men.
Why are you talking to me?
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319. Why are you thanking me
to get on the elevator?
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320. What is your life like?
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321. Are you not allowed
on the elevators?
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322. Do people usually push you
off the elevator?
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323. "Get off the elevator, Steve.
Stairs for you.
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324. It's always been stairs."
Copy !req
325. Been on the road a... I was
in Scotland for all of August.
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326. It was the darkest time
of my life
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327. mostly 'cause they call cookies
"biscuits."
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328. I didn't like that at all.
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329. It was an incredible
culture shock for me.
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330. Tough to adjust.
But I tried for a few weeks.
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331. "Sure, I'll pass you
the chocolate chip biscuits.
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332. "Let's have biscuits and milk,
everybody.
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333. I love Oreo biscuits."
Copy !req
334. But in the fourth week,
I couldn't handle it no more.
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335. "Those aren't c...
those aren't biscuits.
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336. "Those are cookies.
Cookies are cookies,
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337. "and biscuits are biscuits.
Copy !req
338. "If you call cookies 'biscuits,'
then what do you call biscuits?
Copy !req
339. 'Cause I'm not saying 'scones."'
Copy !req
340. I think I was dealing with
some other stuff at the time,
Copy !req
341. and I transferred
my anger.
Copy !req
342. No way I was that mad
about that.
Copy !req
343. So one night I was out,
it was 5:00 in the morning,
Copy !req
344. having some drinks,
was talking with this girl,
Copy !req
345. decided to take a swing.
Copy !req
346. I say, "How about we go back
to my place
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347. for some food
and some drinks?"
Copy !req
348. Most women would say,
"Yeah, that sounds cool,"
Copy !req
349. or, "Nah, I'm all right,"
but what she said was,
Copy !req
350. "What type of food
are we talking about?"
Copy !req
351. "And what type of drinks
are we talking about?
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352. "And do you expect me
to have sex with you
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353. if I come back
to your place?"
Copy !req
354. Well, if you come back
to my place
Copy !req
355. at 5:00 in the morning
and eat all my food
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356. and drink all my drinks
and you don't want to have sex,
Copy !req
357. then I don't want you
in my life at all.
Copy !req
358. What type of person
would do something like that?
Copy !req
359. That sounds like something
a sociopath would do.
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360. Would come to your place,
eat your food,
Copy !req
361. drink your drinks,
leave at 6:30 without fucking
Copy !req
362. like it's cool.
Copy !req
363. That's a passive burglary.
Copy !req
364. And as soon as she said that,
Copy !req
365. I should have clocked
this woman was crazy,
Copy !req
366. but I was kind of drunk,
so I went,
Copy !req
367. "Oh, she's kind of quirky.
Copy !req
368. She's kind of quirky
and weird."
Copy !req
369. So we talked
for a little bit.
Copy !req
370. She says stuff,
I say stuff,
Copy !req
371. she says stuff,
I say stuff.
Copy !req
372. You know
how a conversation works.
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373. I think it's going well,
I go in for the kiss.
Copy !req
374. She says, "What?
You think you can just kiss me.
Copy !req
375. "Western men and men in general
think they're entitled
Copy !req
376. "to whatever they want
from women.
Copy !req
377. You objectify us..."
She started going
Copy !req
378. on this weird feminist rant.
Copy !req
379. Hey, it's fine
if you want to be a feminist,
Copy !req
380. but I think 5:00 in the morning
after the bar closes
Copy !req
381. is a weird time
to jump on your soapbox.
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382. "Men just want to fuck!"
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383. It's 5:00 in the morning.
Everybody wants to.
Copy !req
384. That's why they stayed out
till 5:00
Copy !req
385. because it didn't happen
at 2:00.
Copy !req
386. So we keep talking
for some reason.
Copy !req
387. She wants to know
my address.
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388. She's showing interest.
I tell her the address.
Copy !req
389. Then we go a little further.
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390. She wants to know the address
plus the cross street.
Copy !req
391. Then she texts it to herself
right after I tell her.
Copy !req
392. I say, "What's wrong?"
She says, "I have to be safe.
Copy !req
393. "Three out of ten women
that get raped
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394. don't report it."
Copy !req
395. And I said,
"One out of one dudes
Copy !req
396. is walking away
from this conversation."
Copy !req
397. And she said,
"What's wrong?"
Copy !req
398. I said,
"You're a crazy person.
Copy !req
399. "That's what's wrong.
Copy !req
400. "And right now sounds
kind of risky
Copy !req
401. "to hang out with you.
Copy !req
402. "And I didn't know this
about myself until today,
Copy !req
403. "but I don't hang out
with anybody
Copy !req
404. "that quotes rape statistics.
Copy !req
405. "There's nobody in my life
that does that.
Copy !req
406. "That's such a weird trait
to have.
Copy !req
407. "I'm a black man in Scotland
on a work visa.
Copy !req
408. "You talking about rape,
they gonna believe
Copy !req
409. "any bullshit you say.
Copy !req
410. I gotta go."
Copy !req
411. But super drunk women
can't handle rejection.
Copy !req
412. She was just trying
to explain.
Copy !req
413. "Hannibal, please,
let me explain."
Copy !req
414. "No, you've explained enough
with your words."
Copy !req
415. "Hannibal, why, what's wrong?"
"You are insane, lady.
Copy !req
416. That's what's wrong."
Copy !req
417. "Hannibal, I just want
to educate people."
Copy !req
418. "This is a weird-ass time
for that type of class."
Copy !req
419. "Hannibal, why?
Come on."
Copy !req
420. "No. Go away, lady."
"Give me 30 seconds to explain."
Copy !req
421. "No, I don't want
to talk to you."
Copy !req
422. "Hannibal,
please stop walking away."
Copy !req
423. "Get away from me."
"Hannibal, ple..."
Copy !req
424. "Hey, lady, you're acting
like a rapist right now!
Copy !req
425. "I told you I don't want
to talk with you,
Copy !req
426. "but you keep on talking
at me.
Copy !req
427. "You are raping my eardrums.
Copy !req
428. I feel real threatened.
No means no."
Copy !req
429. I feel like her statistic
was weird though.
Copy !req
430. Three out of ten women
that get raped
Copy !req
431. don't report it.
Copy !req
432. Then how you finding that out?
Copy !req
433. Are the rapists calling
and saying,
Copy !req
434. "Hey. Hello?
Copy !req
435. "Yeah, I raped this girl.
I don't think she's gonna tell.
Copy !req
436. "But I know y'all do stats
and stuff, so I want those stats
Copy !req
437. "to be accurate, so...
Copy !req
438. "'Cause I know sometimes crazy
women like to have stuff to say
Copy !req
439. at 5:00 in the morning,
so I just want to make sure
Copy !req
440. they have that and they just
talking right when they..."
Copy !req
441. I got a jaywalking ticket
in Montreal.
Copy !req
442. I couldn't believe it.
Copy !req
443. I've jaywalked so many times
in my life.
Copy !req
444. It's such an easy thing
to time out.
Copy !req
445. Is there a car coming?
No?
Copy !req
446. Let me get across then.
Copy !req
447. I've done it thousands
of times.
Copy !req
448. But this time it was me
and this old lady.
Copy !req
449. We were jaywalking together.
Copy !req
450. We weren't together like that,
but if we were, so what?
Copy !req
451. Mind your business.
Copy !req
452. I just met y'all.
Copy !req
453. So me and this old lady,
we get across the street,
Copy !req
454. then a Montreal cop
approaches us,
Copy !req
455. speaking in French.
Copy !req
456. French.
Copy !req
457. I said, "Hey, man,
I don't talk like that.
Copy !req
458. "That's not how I talk.
Copy !req
459. Can you talk to me
how I talk?"
Copy !req
460. That probably wasn't
the best way
Copy !req
461. to start off our interaction,
Copy !req
462. by mocking his native language,
but who cares?
Copy !req
463. I take risks in life.
Copy !req
464. And he says,
"You were jaywalking!"
Copy !req
465. And I said,
"Sorry about that."
Copy !req
466. And I tried to keep going
about my day.
Copy !req
467. 'Cause I thought that's
how jaywalking was handled
Copy !req
468. as a crime...
Copy !req
469. "You were jaywalking!"
"My bad.
Copy !req
470. "We're done here, right?
That's it.
Copy !req
471. "I acknowledged
that I jaywalked, I apologized
Copy !req
472. "not for the act
of jaywalking,
Copy !req
473. "but how my jaywalking
made you feel.
Copy !req
474. "I'll try not to jaywalk in the
future while you're watching,
Copy !req
475. "but trust I'm gonna do it
the rest of my life.
Copy !req
476. It's the best way to go
about being a pedestrian."
Copy !req
477. And he says, "No, I have
to give you a ticket.
Copy !req
478. Give me your ID."
Copy !req
479. I said,
"You don't understand.
Copy !req
480. "I only give people
my ID for real stuff.
Copy !req
481. "This is not real.
This is a fantasy crime
Copy !req
482. "that you're enforcing
to cover up the fact
Copy !req
483. "that your city is having
financial problems right now.
Copy !req
484. "This city is broke,
and they put you out here
Copy !req
485. "with a quota,
and that's fine.
Copy !req
486. "I will donate 60
of your colorful-ass dollars
Copy !req
487. "to your broke-ass city.
Copy !req
488. But let's just do it like that.
No paperwork, and it's good."
Copy !req
489. Guess what.
Two more cops show up.
Copy !req
490. Now we have
three Montreal police officers
Copy !req
491. working this high-profile
jaywalking case.
Copy !req
492. Three cops
for me and jaywalking.
Copy !req
493. Fair enough.
Copy !req
494. I decided during the time
I was just gonna talk trash
Copy !req
495. to the cop standing closest
to me 'cause I don't like him
Copy !req
496. or what he represents.
Copy !req
497. This can't be
your childhood dream.
Copy !req
498. "When I grow up,
I'm gonna be a police officer.
Copy !req
499. "When people cross the street
illegal,
Copy !req
500. "I'm gonna put the stop
to that.
Copy !req
501. Yeah, the world needs me."
Copy !req
502. No, we don't.
I hope you hate
Copy !req
503. that part of yourself.
Copy !req
504. And so I kept talking trash
to him
Copy !req
505. 'cause I realized
he wasn't gonna murder me,
Copy !req
506. which is a good thing to be able
to read on a person.
Copy !req
507. All right,
will this person kill me?
Copy !req
508. I should just shut up.
Copy !req
509. Because cops have murdered
unarmed men
Copy !req
510. all over the country
and been found not guilty.
Copy !req
511. "Why'd you kill that man?
Copy !req
512. "He didn't have any weapons,
Officer.
Copy !req
513. He was only talking to you."
Copy !req
514. "Yeah, he was talking to me,
but his teeth looked
Copy !req
515. "like 32 tiny white guns.
Copy !req
516. So we shot him 32 times
in the mouth."
Copy !req
517. "That sounds
like reasonable force.
Copy !req
518. Not guilty."
Copy !req
519. "What the hell?"
Copy !req
520. So I don't like this person
at all,
Copy !req
521. so I just wanted
to mess with him
Copy !req
522. and say whatever I could say
to mess with him
Copy !req
523. 'cause he's wasting my time,
so I say,
Copy !req
524. "Hey, man, how much money
do you make a year?"
Copy !req
525. Which is a douchey thing to do,
I'm aware.
Copy !req
526. But you know
what else is douchey?
Copy !req
527. To have three cops working
a jaywalking ticket.
Copy !req
528. That's overkill.
I only have two legs.
Copy !req
529. That's a cop and a half
per leg.
Copy !req
530. That's a waste
of city funds.
Copy !req
531. That's why their city
is broke now.
Copy !req
532. And he told me how much
he made.
Copy !req
533. I don't know why he told me.
He didn't have to tell me.
Copy !req
534. Then he said,
"How much do you make?"
Copy !req
535. And I told him,
and he got upset.
Copy !req
536. And he said,
"What do you sell? Drugs?"
Copy !req
537. I said,
"No, I don't sell drugs.
Copy !req
538. That was kind of racist."
"What do you sell? Cars?"
Copy !req
539. "Wait, why are those
your two first guesses?"
Copy !req
540. "Hey, this dude is doing
something illegal,
Copy !req
541. "or people love buying Subarus
from him.
Copy !req
542. "He's a charismatic guy.
Sell the hell out of a car.
Copy !req
543. "Those are the only two jobs
I know besides police officer.
Copy !req
544. I'm a dumb guy.
My world view is limited."
Copy !req
545. Then I say, "Hey, man, your
colleague here is 50 years old,
Copy !req
546. "and he's writing jaywalking
tickets for a living.
Copy !req
547. "Is he considered a failure
as a police officer?
Copy !req
548. 'Cause that seems like some
stuff that you should be doing."
Copy !req
549. He was a younger guy.
Copy !req
550. He was upset about that.
Copy !req
551. He was trying to hold in
that he was upset,
Copy !req
552. but I could tell he was upset
because the next thing
Copy !req
553. he said was,
"Oh, you a cool guy, huh?"
Copy !req
554. I said, "No, I'm not a cool guy.
Are you a cool guy?"
Copy !req
555. He said, "Yeah, I'm a cool guy
just doing cool stuff,
Copy !req
556. trying to be cool."
Copy !req
557. I said, "Man, cool people
never say shit like that."
Copy !req
558. They gave me a $37 ticket
for jaywalking
Copy !req
559. and a $444 ticket
just for being an asshole.
Copy !req
560. That's how much it costs
to be an asshole
Copy !req
561. to Montreal police, just in case
you're pricing it out
Copy !req
562. for your next vacation.
Copy !req
563. But don't worry...
don't worry about me.
Copy !req
564. I'm not paying either of them.
It's in Canada.
Copy !req
565. It doesn't count to me.
It's not real.
Copy !req
566. I'm not paying
a Canadian ticket.
Copy !req
567. I get speeding tickets...
I got a speeding ticket
Copy !req
568. in Indiana
going 80 in a 60.
Copy !req
569. The officer stopped me, he said,
"Why were you going so fast?"
Copy !req
570. "Because this car is awesome.
Copy !req
571. "That's why I was going
so fast.
Copy !req
572. "You should be happy
I was only doing 80.
Copy !req
573. "This car has 160 on the dash.
Copy !req
574. "You should be applauding
my restraint right now.
Copy !req
575. "I was only doing half...
why was I going so fast?
Copy !req
576. "Because life is short,
and we're all gonna die soon,
Copy !req
577. "and I want to minimize
the time
Copy !req
578. "I spend
on Indiana State Road 37.
Copy !req
579. "This state
and this road sucks.
Copy !req
580. "And, Officer,
if you so against speeding,
Copy !req
581. "then why did you speed
to catch up to me?
Copy !req
582. "You're a hypocrite.
Copy !req
583. "If you were really
against speeding,
Copy !req
584. "you would have kept going
the speed limit,
Copy !req
585. "watch me speed
in the other lane,
Copy !req
586. "and then just shook your head
and judged me.
Copy !req
587. "Instead, we both been speeding
for a moment there,
Copy !req
588. "and the road wasn't any better
for it.
Copy !req
589. "How are you gonna say
that I can't do what I did
Copy !req
590. "when you did
the exact same thing that I did
Copy !req
591. just to catch up to me to say,
'Don't do that'?"
Copy !req
592. When I travel,
I get rental cars.
Copy !req
593. I put rims on them.
Copy !req
594. When I bring them back,
they go, "What's all this?"
Copy !req
595. "You owe me $1,800.
That's what all this is.
Copy !req
596. I just hooked
this Kia Sorento up."
Copy !req
597. What's crazy
with rental cars...
Copy !req
598. they charge you $9 a gallon
if you don't bring back
Copy !req
599. the gas tank full.
Copy !req
600. That's why I make sure
the tank is full
Copy !req
601. when I bring it back,
Copy !req
602. but I use up
all the windshield wiper fluid.
Copy !req
603. All the windshield wiper fluid
is gone.
Copy !req
604. My windshield
is so clean and crisp.
Copy !req
605. I use
all the transmission fluid.
Copy !req
606. I make so many transmissions...
park to reverse,
Copy !req
607. reverse back to park,
then park to neutral,
Copy !req
608. neutral to reverse,
reverse back to neutral,
Copy !req
609. neutral to reverse,
reverse back to neutral,
Copy !req
610. neutral to reverse
to reverse to D2.
Copy !req
611. And I ride around in D2
for a little bit
Copy !req
612. 'cause I like how it sounds.
Copy !req
613. It sounds way different
than drive.
Copy !req
614. And I enjoy that.
It's like the sequel to drive.
Copy !req
615. "D2, coming soon.
Next year, D3: 3D."
Copy !req
616. I have fun
when I rent cars.
Copy !req
617. Sometimes I leave bloody knives
and stuff in the trunk
Copy !req
618. just to see how the Hertz people
handle the pressure.
Copy !req
619. "I don't see anything.
Do you see anything?
Copy !req
620. "I had a lot of fun
in your city.
Copy !req
621. "I'm about to hop
on this shuttle bus.
Copy !req
622. I'll see you later."
Copy !req
623. I always get the insurance,
but I never wreck the car.
Copy !req
624. That feels like a waste.
I want to get my money's worth.
Copy !req
625. Next time I get the insurance,
Copy !req
626. I'm hitting six of their cars
as I return it.
Copy !req
627. Like, "Damn, my bad, man.
It looks like I hit six
Copy !req
628. "of y'all cars, but don't worry,
I got the full coverage.
Copy !req
629. "So just email me
that paperwork,
Copy !req
630. "and I'll sign off on it.
Copy !req
631. "I'm about to hop
on this shuttle bus.
Copy !req
632. I'll see y'all later."
Copy !req
633. Those are...
those are two so-so jokes,
Copy !req
634. but I just like saying,
"Hop on this shuttle bus."
Copy !req
635. I was at the airport,
there was this kid,
Copy !req
636. four or five years old,
Copy !req
637. walking with his mommy,
fixed his fingers in a fake gun,
Copy !req
638. and then took a shot at me.
Copy !req
639. Now I'm looking at the wall
to see if there's something
Copy !req
640. on the wall he could
have been shooting at
Copy !req
641. 'cause I'm in denial.
Copy !req
642. I look back at him,
he looks me in my eyes,
Copy !req
643. and takes two more shots.
Copy !req
644. Now I'm hit three times.
Copy !req
645. That was an act of aggression.
I have to defend myself.
Copy !req
646. I'm a man before anything.
Copy !req
647. I will point-blank fake-shoot
this kid right here.
Copy !req
648. "Hey, die, bitch, little kid.
Copy !req
649. "Die.
What now?
Copy !req
650. "Now what?
What you looking at, Mom?
Copy !req
651. "Control your kid,
and shit like this
Copy !req
652. "won't happen in the airport.
Copy !req
653. "Now everybody's
getting fake-shot.
Copy !req
654. "What's everybody else
looking at?
Copy !req
655. "This has got nothing
to do with you.
Copy !req
656. "American Airlines lady,
get down right now.
Copy !req
657. I'll shoot up you
and your bankrupt-ass company."
Copy !req
658. My other airport nemesis
is airport security.
Copy !req
659. I don't like them at all.
They seem so dedicated
Copy !req
660. to keeping bottled water
out of the sky.
Copy !req
661. That's their main thing.
It's probably easier
Copy !req
662. to get cocaine on a plane
than a bottle of water.
Copy !req
663. Probably only way
you couldn't get cocaine
Copy !req
664. on a plane if they looked at it
and said, "What is this?
Copy !req
665. Powdered water?"
Copy !req
666. "No, it's cocaine."
Copy !req
667. "Go right ahead.
Enjoy your flight."
Copy !req
668. Because a terrorist tried
a liquid bomb thing,
Copy !req
669. now nobody can bring liquids
on a plane.
Copy !req
670. One person messed it up
for everybody.
Copy !req
671. But I feel like that's being
reactive instead of proactive
Copy !req
672. because terrorists
are always trying new stuff.
Copy !req
673. So next time it's gonna be
some type of Snickers bomb,
Copy !req
674. and after that happens, you
can't bring full-sized Snickers
Copy !req
675. on the plane anymore.
Copy !req
676. You can only bring
miniature Snickers
Copy !req
677. 'cause one person messed it up
for everybody.
Copy !req
678. Now you have security
trying to negotiate
Copy !req
679. your Snickers situation.
Copy !req
680. "Hey, is it all right if I bring
four miniature Snickers?
Copy !req
681. That's about the same size
as a full-sized Snickers."
Copy !req
682. Security say,
"Don't play with me.
Copy !req
683. "This is not a game!
Copy !req
684. "We are saving the world
one Snickers bar at a time
Copy !req
685. for your freedom
in America!"
Copy !req
686. "Relax, man, I'm just hungry.
Stop yelling at me."
Copy !req
687. "You can't bring
the bottled water, sir."
Copy !req
688. "Why not?
It's not bomb water.
Copy !req
689. What if I sip the water to show
you that it's not bomb water?"
Copy !req
690. "But what if it's
sippable bomb water?"
Copy !req
691. "There's no such thing
as sippable bomb water.
Copy !req
692. "You're being silly
right now, man.
Copy !req
693. There's no such thing
as bomb water."
Copy !req
694. One day, they stopped me
for additional screening
Copy !req
695. but the only screening
they did...
Copy !req
696. they rubbed the cloth
on my hands,
Copy !req
697. and then they went
and tested it, they came back
Copy !req
698. and said, "All right,
you're good."
Copy !req
699. "Okay, cool, good thing I didn't
have bomb juice on my hands.
Copy !req
700. Was that the bomb juice test?"
Copy !req
701. What if I did have bomb juice
on my hands?
Copy !req
702. What if one of my friends...
"Hey, Hannibal,
Copy !req
703. "before you go to the airport,
Copy !req
704. you want to hold a bomb
real quick?"
Copy !req
705. And I say, "You know what,
I never held a bomb before,
Copy !req
706. I'm open to new experiences,
let me..."
Copy !req
707. "That's pretty cool.
Thanks, man.
Copy !req
708. That was real cool."
Copy !req
709. Then I get to the airport,
they test my hands,
Copy !req
710. They say, "You have bomb juice
on your hands.
Copy !req
711. Is there anything you'd like
to tell us?"
Copy !req
712. "Yeah, one of my friends,
he got a bunch of bombs.
Copy !req
713. "And he said, 'You want
to hold a bomb real quick
Copy !req
714. "before you go
to the airport? '
Copy !req
715. "And I never
held a bomb before,
Copy !req
716. "so I thought it'd be
something cool to do.
Copy !req
717. "I made sure not to bring
the bomb with me
Copy !req
718. 'cause I know
y'all hate that."
Copy !req
719. "So I want to just hold
a bomb real quick.
Copy !req
720. "I think you need
to chill out
Copy !req
721. "and stop being jealous 'cause
I got all types of friends.
Copy !req
722. "Some of my friends own bombs
and let me hold them.
Copy !req
723. "You need to open up
your social circle
Copy !req
724. and meet some new people."
Copy !req
725. I hate when they try
to make conversation with me.
Copy !req
726. "Are you going to New York
for business or pleasure?"
Copy !req
727. "I'm going
to New York to talk
Copy !req
728. "about you in front
of strangers.
Copy !req
729. So I guess both."
Copy !req
730. I don't wear my glasses
in my driver's license photo,
Copy !req
731. so one guy goes,
"Can you take your glasses off?"
Copy !req
732. "Yeah, yeah, sure,
Captain America.
Copy !req
733. It's still me."
Copy !req
734. Who are you catching like that?
Are you seriously
Copy !req
735. finding terrorists that
only use glasses as a disguise?
Copy !req
736. And you, the TSA agent,
are cracking those cases?
Copy !req
737. "Can you take
your glasses off?"
Copy !req
738. "Damn it, no!
How'd they find me?
Copy !req
739. "15 years, this disguise
was foolproof!
Copy !req
740. "I like the simplicity
of it.
Copy !req
741. "I didn't think I needed
the fake nose and mustache
Copy !req
742. to go with it.
Aagh!"
Copy !req
743. "Yeah, dude,
it's still me, man.
Copy !req
744. "You want me to put the shirt on
that I had
Copy !req
745. "in my license photo also?
Copy !req
746. "It's from eight years ago.
Copy !req
747. I don't have
that shirt anymore."
Copy !req
748. One time I went to the DMV.
Copy !req
749. The woman working
at the DMV said, "Oh, wow,
Copy !req
750. you don't turn 29
until your birthday."
Copy !req
751. "So wait, do I kill myself,
or do you kill yourself?
Copy !req
752. "'Cause...
Copy !req
753. "we both can't be
on this world together.
Copy !req
754. "One of us has to go.
Copy !req
755. "I'm willing to make
the sacrifice
Copy !req
756. "just to not be at a place
where you are.
Copy !req
757. "If this was olden times,
you'd be tied
Copy !req
758. "to a cinder block
and thrown in the ocean
Copy !req
759. "'cause your stupidity
would endanger
Copy !req
760. the rest of the population."
Copy !req
761. On October 30, 2011, I had
the darkest day of my life.
Copy !req
762. I had to take a shit
on a plane.
Copy !req
763. It was horrible.
I never had that happen to me.
Copy !req
764. 16 years of flying,
never shat on a plane.
Copy !req
765. Went through so many emotions.
Copy !req
766. First was anger.
Copy !req
767. "Damn it, I got to shit
on a plane!"
Copy !req
768. Then it was denial. "I'm not
shitting on this plane."
Copy !req
769. Then it was sadness.
"I got to shit on a plane."
Copy !req
770. Then it was acceptance.
"Hey, I guess
Copy !req
771. I got to shit on this plane."
Copy !req
772. Then it was happiness.
"Yo, I'm shitting in the sky."
Copy !req
773. I went through a lot.
Copy !req
774. That...
Copy !req
775. That poop joke
was for the D VD.
Copy !req
776. That's not gonna make television
at all.
Copy !req
777. I was on a flight from Atlanta
back to New York.
Copy !req
778. Former President Jimmy Carter
was on the same flight as me.
Copy !req
779. Before the flight took off,
Copy !req
780. he walked through
and shook everybody's hand
Copy !req
781. that was on board.
Copy !req
782. Yo, are you running
for president of this flight?
Copy !req
783. How you gonna assume
everybody wants to meet you?
Copy !req
784. Weren't you
a one-time president,
Copy !req
785. you were bad at your job, and
why are you flying commercial?
Copy !req
786. So many questions
for Jimmy Carter.
Copy !req
787. I also shook his hand
because it seemed
Copy !req
788. like the right thing to do.
Copy !req
789. I didn't want to mess up
his handshaking flow
Copy !req
790. that he seemed to be in.
Who knows?
Copy !req
791. I don't shake his hand,
he goes into shock,
Copy !req
792. passes out right there
on the spot,
Copy !req
793. now we're super delayed.
Copy !req
794. But I should have
just fist-bumped him.
Copy !req
795. Because I was sitting
in 34D,
Copy !req
796. so by the time he got to me,
Copy !req
797. that means he had 30-plus rows
of nasty, gross shit
Copy !req
798. from around the world
on his hands.
Copy !req
799. Who knows what the person
in 1A was doing with his hands?
Copy !req
800. 1A could have been touching
on his travel balls.
Copy !req
801. He had a layover.
It's all weird.
Copy !req
802. 2A has bomb water
on his hands.
Copy !req
803. 2B has bomb juice
on her hands.
Copy !req
804. On and on and on,
it's 30-plus rows
Copy !req
805. of nasty shit Jimmy Carter
Copy !req
806. had on his hands
when he touched mine.
Copy !req
807. Where's your hand sanitizer,
Jimmy Carter?
Copy !req
808. Because you do this
every flight,
Copy !req
809. and you know it,
Jimmy Carter.
Copy !req
810. You should be prepared.
Copy !req
811. He had three secret service
agents with him. Why?
Copy !req
812. Nobody's trying
to murder Jimmy Carter.
Copy !req
813. Who's plotting that out?
Copy !req
814. "We have to kill 80-year-old
former President Jimmy Carter."
Copy !req
815. "Hey, man, why don't we just let
time kill Jimmy Carter?"
Copy !req
816. Replied his level-headed
coconspirator.
Copy !req
817. You know why he had
the secret service with him?
Copy !req
818. Because if he didn't, honestly,
I wouldn't have known
Copy !req
819. it was Jimmy Carter.
Copy !req
820. I would have said,
"Who is this old-ass man
Copy !req
821. "in first class trying to shook
everybody's hand?
Copy !req
822. "And where's his hand sanitizer?
This dude is disgusting.
Copy !req
823. I hate him."
Copy !req
824. But the girl sitting next to me
was so excited
Copy !req
825. to meet Jimmy Carter as he
approached..."Oh, my gosh!
Copy !req
826. "This is a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity!
Copy !req
827. This never happens in life!
Whah!"
Copy !req
828. Yeah, a lot of stuff
never happens in life,
Copy !req
829. but that doesn't make it good
'cause it's happening
Copy !req
830. for the first time.
Copy !req
831. I've never been stabbed
before.
Copy !req
832. If I get stabbed
for the first...
Copy !req
833. "Whoa, is this happening
to me right now?
Copy !req
834. "Aagh!
I've never been attacked
Copy !req
835. "like this with a sharp weapon
piercing my flesh so violently!
Copy !req
836. "I've never seen so much blood.
Aagh!
Copy !req
837. "Never felt such pain.
Thank you for this experience.
Copy !req
838. I'm feeling sleepy.
I'm fainting."
Copy !req
839. I like to drink,
but I only like to drink
Copy !req
840. with people that can hold
their liquor.
Copy !req
841. I was out with this girl,
I bought some drinks,
Copy !req
842. we go back to my hotel room,
she starts throwing up
Copy !req
843. the drinks that I bought
all over my hotel room.
Copy !req
844. It was very upsetting.
Copy !req
845. It was like she was throwing up
my money
Copy !req
846. on my money.
Copy !req
847. Very upsetting
on so many levels.
Copy !req
848. Really not that many levels.
Copy !req
849. People overuse that...
"It was messed up
Copy !req
850. on so many levels, man."
Copy !req
851. "Oh, for real?
Why don't you name the levels?"
Copy !req
852. "Well, level three,
metaphysical, eye level..."
Copy !req
853. "Shut up, man.
You being dramatic right now."
Copy !req
854. I was at this music festival
walking up the stairs
Copy !req
855. to my hotel, there was this man
walking down the stairs.
Copy !req
856. This man started throwing up
down the stairs.
Copy !req
857. Luckily the vomit missed me.
Copy !req
858. I don't know
what I would have done
Copy !req
859. if it hit... are you supposed
to fight somebody
Copy !req
860. if they throw up on you?
Copy !req
861. "Hey, man,
control your body!
Copy !req
862. Control your insides."
Copy !req
863. My stage-punching is horrible.
Copy !req
864. Like, do you tax
that person?
Copy !req
865. "Give me $40
and your left shoe.
Copy !req
866. "That's the vomit tax.
You suck.
Copy !req
867. Drink some water,
and go to bed."
Copy !req
868. But what really upset me is this
man was 40 years old at least,
Copy !req
869. and if you're 40, I don't think
you should be throwing up
Copy !req
870. from alcohol anymore.
Copy !req
871. You should know
your limits, man.
Copy !req
872. You have a family
and a mortgage.
Copy !req
873. You here throwing up
from vodka?
Copy !req
874. You should be ashamed
of yourself.
Copy !req
875. 'Cause I'm 28,
I haven't thrown up
Copy !req
876. from alcohol
in seven years,
Copy !req
877. because whenever I feel
the urge to throw up,
Copy !req
878. I'm able to channel
that energy out into a...
Copy !req
879. Hadouken!
Copy !req
880. 'Cause I'm a goddamn warrior.
Copy !req
881. I'm an urban warrior,
and I mean urban
Copy !req
882. to mean I live in the city,
not urban to mean black,
Copy !req
883. how white people use it.
Copy !req
884. I was at this bar
in Minnesota.
Copy !req
885. I saw a bunch of people.
Copy !req
886. They were drinking,
and they had the same T-shirt.
Copy !req
887. They were having a pub crawl
for cancer.
Copy !req
888. So they were drinking all day
to raise money for cancer,
Copy !req
889. so basically getting one disease
while fighting another.
Copy !req
890. Next month, they're having
a cocaine snort-off
Copy !req
891. to raise money
for leukemia.
Copy !req
892. "All right, let's raise this
money for leukemia, man, yeah!"
Copy !req
893. "Yeah, leukemia!
One more line for leukemia.
Copy !req
894. Aagh, you will not take
my brother!"
Copy !req
895. I don't...
I don't believe in cancer walks.
Copy !req
896. Well, I believe in them
'cause they exist,
Copy !req
897. but...
Copy !req
898. I'd rather just give money
straight up
Copy !req
899. and save my Saturday afternoon.
Copy !req
900. I can make my own T-shirt.
That's not an incentive.
Copy !req
901. Plus, I don't think cancer
responds to how far people walk.
Copy !req
902. I don't think cancer's sitting
at home...
Copy !req
903. "What?
How many people walked how far?
Copy !req
904. "How many people walked how far
wearing the same shirt?
Copy !req
905. That's crazy.
I'm out of here. Remission."
Copy !req
906. Just give money.
Copy !req
907. Whenever people are going
through a struggle in life,
Copy !req
908. they get really cliche.
Copy !req
909. They say stuff like,
"I'm taking it
Copy !req
910. "one day at a time.
Copy !req
911. I'm just taking it
one day at a time."
Copy !req
912. You know who else is?
Everybody.
Copy !req
913. 'Cause that's how time works.
Copy !req
914. That's the only way
you can take time.
Copy !req
915. What were you doing?
A week at a time before?
Copy !req
916. Who are you?
Who taught you how to do that?
Copy !req
917. Please teach me how
to do that.
Copy !req
918. I want to get
through this quicker too.
Copy !req
919. I don't like when people say,
"I'll pray for you.
Copy !req
920. "I'm gonna pray for you.
Copy !req
921. Praying for you."
You're gonna pray for me?
Copy !req
922. You're gonna sit at home
and do nothing?
Copy !req
923. 'Cause that's
what your prayers are.
Copy !req
924. You're doing nothing
while I struggle
Copy !req
925. with the situation.
Don't pray for me.
Copy !req
926. Make me a sandwich
or something.
Copy !req
927. 'Cause I'm very upset
right now
Copy !req
928. and I can't make
my own sandwiches,
Copy !req
929. so that'd be cool
Copy !req
930. if you made me a sandwich
Copy !req
931. instead of praying,
which is kind of lazy.
Copy !req
932. Take action.
Copy !req
933. "Well, we'll keep you
in our thoughts."
Copy !req
934. With the other bullshit
in your head? No.
Copy !req
935. Keep me out of your thoughts
'cause I hear
Copy !req
936. some of the stuff
you talk about,
Copy !req
937. and that's close
to what you're thinking about.
Copy !req
938. I don't want to be
around that at all.
Copy !req
939. So keep me and my family
out of your thoughts
Copy !req
940. unless you're thinking
about making us sandwiches.
Copy !req
941. I was at a front desk
of a hotel,
Copy !req
942. and the front desk lady's
screaming,
Copy !req
943. "Oh, Jesus! Jesus!
Oh, Jesus!"
Copy !req
944. I said, "What's wrong?"
She said, "My back...
Copy !req
945. my back has just been killing me
for months."
Copy !req
946. I said,
"You should try Vicodin."
Copy !req
947. She said,
"No, I'm trying Jesus."
Copy !req
948. I said,
"No, you should try Vicodin."
Copy !req
949. And she said,
"You should try Jesus."
Copy !req
950. I said,
"Nah, my back is great.
Copy !req
951. "You should try half-Jesus,
half-Vicodin.
Copy !req
952. "Just to get that
out your back...
Copy !req
953. Maybe real Vicodin and placebo
Jesus for your back?"
Copy !req
954. I don't go to church.
Copy !req
955. Sometimes people be
Holy Ghosting.
Copy !req
956. I can't get
with that.
Copy !req
957. People... I think the Holy Ghost
is just a reason
Copy !req
958. for people to dance
like an asshole sober.
Copy !req
959. "I mean, whoa, shit!
I love..."
Copy !req
960. "Hey, for real,
oh, shit, look at me.
Copy !req
961. "I love Jesus.
I'm sweating.
Copy !req
962. "I'm sweating so much
for the Lord.
Copy !req
963. Oo-ah."
Why you goofing off like that?
Copy !req
964. I'll still think you
a good person if you sit down.
Copy !req
965. "Oo-ah."
I think the Holy Ghost is fake
Copy !req
966. 'cause people only get it
in church when they're dancing
Copy !req
967. around other people
that's Holy Ghosting.
Copy !req
968. I'm surprised a rapper
hasn't took that
Copy !req
969. and made it into a dance
already.
Copy !req
970. "Do the Holy Ghost,
do the Holy Ghost."
Copy !req
971. "Do the Holy Ghost,
do the Holy Ghost."
Copy !req
972. Yeah, I did this shit
on camera.
Copy !req
973. No rappers can steal it
from me.
Copy !req
974. "Do the Holy Ghost,
do the Holy Ghost."
Copy !req
975. I think the Holy Ghost
is fake.
Copy !req
976. Nobody ever gets
the Holy Ghost anywhere else.
Copy !req
977. Nobody ever catches
the Holy Ghost in Arby's
Copy !req
978. like, "What?
Five for fiver?"
Copy !req
979. I go to...
I go to black strip clubs.
Copy !req
980. The white strip clubs
are boring.
Copy !req
981. They're good bars.
Copy !req
982. There's just liquor there,
some boring naked chick.
Copy !req
983. That's cool.
It's a good bar.
Copy !req
984. Bad strip club.
Copy !req
985. They dance to awful songs
in white strip clubs.
Copy !req
986. I don't want to see you dance to
Marilyn Manson, The Dope S how.
Copy !req
987. I saw this chick dancing.
She was dancing
Copy !req
988. to Madonna, Take a Bow.
Copy !req
989. Like, why are you dancing
to that?
Copy !req
990. Now I'm thinking of the video.
Copy !req
991. It was sad with the matador.
Copy !req
992. He died or something.
Copy !req
993. Why don't you dance to the songs
that rappers made
Copy !req
994. specifically
for the strip club?
Copy !req
995. Like, yo.
Copy !req
996. This is good...
this is good music
Copy !req
997. for this environment.
Copy !req
998. I like...
I'm a big rap fan.
Copy !req
999. I went to a concert.
Copy !req
1000. I saw this group Odd Future
perform.
Copy !req
1001. They have some good songs.
Copy !req
1002. But the closing... the hook
to their closing song was,
Copy !req
1003. "Kill people, burn shit,
fuck school.
Copy !req
1004. Kill people,
burn shit, fuck school."
Copy !req
1005. But doesn't it seem like they're
getting more reasonable
Copy !req
1006. as they go along?
Copy !req
1007. Now, "Kill people,"
that's murder.
Copy !req
1008. That's awful.
Copy !req
1009. "Burn shit," it depends
on what you're burning, right?
Copy !req
1010. 'Cause if it's
a controlled fire, go ahead.
Copy !req
1011. Do your thing.
Copy !req
1012. "Fuck school,"
that's just truancy.
Copy !req
1013. What are you standing on, man?
That's weak.
Copy !req
1014. Who hasn't missed class
before?
Copy !req
1015. They're gonna get more and more
reasonable in their raps.
Copy !req
1016. "Kill people, burn shit,
fuck school,
Copy !req
1017. "I hate spam email.
Copy !req
1018. "That's annoying.
Copy !req
1019. "When you think you got
an email from a friend,
Copy !req
1020. "and it's spam.
Stop messing with my emotions!
Copy !req
1021. "And I hate hotel TVs.
Copy !req
1022. "Why do they always start
on the menu channel
Copy !req
1023. "instead of the channel
I was watching already?
Copy !req
1024. I've already seen
Limitless."
Copy !req
1025. "Why does iTunes keep trying
to get me
Copy !req
1026. "to download a new version?
Copy !req
1027. "I got a new version
a couple days ago.
Copy !req
1028. I'm fine with this version.
It plays music."
Copy !req
1029. There's this rapper
Young Jeezy.
Copy !req
1030. He has a song where he says,
"How stupid? Dumb big.
Copy !req
1031. My rooms got rooms."
Copy !req
1032. All right.
Copy !req
1033. Nah, Jeezy,
those are closets.
Copy !req
1034. Those aren't extra rooms
in your rooms.
Copy !req
1035. Jeezy. He'd be the worst
real estate agent ever.
Copy !req
1036. "Right here, we have
a 34-bedroom house.
Copy !req
1037. "Let me show you
around the property.
Copy !req
1038. "Great feature of this place...
some of the rooms
Copy !req
1039. "have extra smaller rooms
in them.
Copy !req
1040. "You have to sleep
in these rooms like this.
Copy !req
1041. "Very unique
sleeping situation
Copy !req
1042. "inspired by the Japanese.
Copy !req
1043. "Now let me show you
to the bathroom.
Copy !req
1044. "The bathroom is great.
You have a regular size tub.
Copy !req
1045. "Then you have
a miniature tub, the sink.
Copy !req
1046. It's actually..."
Copy !req
1047. I do... I feel like
rap affects
Copy !req
1048. how I talk with people
too much.
Copy !req
1049. It's not good.
Copy !req
1050. I was talking with my mom
on the phone
Copy !req
1051. and she was telling me,
she went,
Copy !req
1052. "Hannibal, so I'm watching
your niece and nephew
Copy !req
1053. for a week while
your sister is gone."
Copy !req
1054. And I was like,
"For a week, Ma?
Copy !req
1055. "They watchin' you
for a whole...
Copy !req
1056. "you watchin'
for a whole week?
Copy !req
1057. "Are they payin' you
to watch 'em for a week?
Copy !req
1058. That's a long time.
You gettin' paid?"
Copy !req
1059. She said,
"No, Hannibal.
Copy !req
1060. "A grandmother doesn't
have to get paid
Copy !req
1061. to watch her grandkids."
Copy !req
1062. And I said,
"Yo, Ma...
Copy !req
1063. money over everything."
Copy !req
1064. That's not healthy.
Copy !req
1065. Sometimes I get drunk,
and I get into arguments
Copy !req
1066. with taxi drivers,
and I get out the cab,
Copy !req
1067. and I slam the door.
Copy !req
1068. That's not the way to win
an argument with a taxi driver.
Copy !req
1069. The way to win is
you get out the cab
Copy !req
1070. and you leave the door open.
Copy !req
1071. Then he has to step out, come
around, and close that door.
Copy !req
1072. While he's doing that,
I'm on the other side,
Copy !req
1073. opening the other doors.
Copy !req
1074. And we just keep going
around and around
Copy !req
1075. and around and around.
Copy !req
1076. And I got my own Benny H ill
situation going on in life.
Copy !req
1077. Right.
Copy !req
1078. I get upset easily by people.
Copy !req
1079. I saw this guy,
he was on the phone.
Copy !req
1080. He had the phone between his ear
and his shoulder like that,
Copy !req
1081. but he didn't have anything
in his hands...
Copy !req
1082. which is really upsetting.
Copy !req
1083. It was like, "Who the hell
do you think you are?"
Copy !req
1084. This action is for people
that are multitasking.
Copy !req
1085. Where's your other task?
Copy !req
1086. You not doing anything else.
Copy !req
1087. I was hoping somebody would
throw a pumpkin at him.
Copy !req
1088. "Yeah, I'm still here!
Copy !req
1089. "You wouldn't believe it.
Copy !req
1090. "Somebody just threw
a pumpkin at me, man.
Copy !req
1091. "Yeah, but don't worry.
Copy !req
1092. "You know what
my phone technique is.
Copy !req
1093. "Yeah, I keep my hands free.
Copy !req
1094. "You never know what's gonna
happen out here
Copy !req
1095. "in these crazy streets.
Copy !req
1096. "These streets are so crazy.
Copy !req
1097. Why am I still holding
this pumpkin? Hello?"
Copy !req
1098. I was back home in Chicago
in the summer,
Copy !req
1099. and I get an email
from this nightclub saying,
Copy !req
1100. "Hannibal, we want to welcome
you back home to Chicago.
Copy !req
1101. "Come party at our club.
Copy !req
1102. "We gon' have a section for you
and a complimentary bottle,
Copy !req
1103. so bring you and your team,
and come party."
Copy !req
1104. I said, "Oh, man.
I got to get a team."
Copy !req
1105. I don't have a team.
I just have friends.
Copy !req
1106. So I call up my friends,
"Hey, man, you want...
Copy !req
1107. "I know you my friend,
but I need a team right now.
Copy !req
1108. I'm putting together a team."
Copy !req
1109. So I put together a team.
We go to the club.
Copy !req
1110. I have to walk up to this guy,
"Hey, man, I'm Hannibal Buress.
Copy !req
1111. This is my team right here."
Copy !req
1112. Then he starts examining
my team.
Copy !req
1113. "Hey, man, your team is
four dudes and one girl."
Copy !req
1114. "Hey, listen.
It was a hastily assembled team.
Copy !req
1115. "This is not
my ideal team makeup,
Copy !req
1116. "but y'all emailed me.
Copy !req
1117. That's the end of it."
Copy !req
1118. So we get in the club...
I'm not a club person.
Copy !req
1119. I'm more of a bar,
lounge type of person,
Copy !req
1120. but I'll go anywhere
if you give me
Copy !req
1121. a free bottle of alcohol.
Copy !req
1122. Most places.
Copy !req
1123. "Hey, Hannibal,
you wanna hang out
Copy !req
1124. in this room full of tarantulas
and snakes?"
Copy !req
1125. Yeah, if there's free liquor
in that room,
Copy !req
1126. I'll hang out.
Copy !req
1127. I'll stomp the shit out
of tarantulas,
Copy !req
1128. slap the shit out of a snake,
Copy !req
1129. and just drink
them free drinks.
Copy !req
1130. It's nothing.
Copy !req
1131. And then we'll go
to that other lounge
Copy !req
1132. where there's a dude throwin'
knives at you the whole time,
Copy !req
1133. but it's not that tough.
Copy !req
1134. He might nick you at first,
but then you get into a rhythm,
Copy !req
1135. and you dodge and drink,
dodge and drink.
Copy !req
1136. Don't be a pussy about it.
Copy !req
1137. So we get in the club.
Copy !req
1138. It's a weird place.
I look around.
Copy !req
1139. It's like everybody's
standing on couches
Copy !req
1140. doing this shit.
Copy !req
1141. I'm like, "Why is everybody
doing that?
Copy !req
1142. "That looks dumb as hell.
You standing on the couch.
Copy !req
1143. What if I want to sit on
the couch after you do that?"
Copy !req
1144. That's rude.
And they...
Copy !req
1145. But it's infectious.
Three drinks in, I start...
Copy !req
1146. and it's funny,
when you have bottle service
Copy !req
1147. in a club like that,
which is pretty expensive,
Copy !req
1148. girls just come up to you.
Copy !req
1149. "Hey, what's going on?
Hey, what's up? Hey."
Copy !req
1150. I'm like, "Whoa, all this
for a bottle of Absolut?
Copy !req
1151. "Wow. You wouldn't act
like that if I walked up to you
Copy !req
1152. "on the street with
a bottle of Absolut.
Copy !req
1153. "Hey, what's going on, girl?
Copy !req
1154. "I have this $30 bottle
of mid-level vodka.
Copy !req
1155. "You want to drink this straight
on the curb with me?
Copy !req
1156. I love you!"
Copy !req
1157. So packed in the club.
It's so packed.
Copy !req
1158. This one guy somehow...
Copy !req
1159. he was drunk...
he knocked all of the liquor
Copy !req
1160. and juice off the table.
Copy !req
1161. Somehow he scissor-kicked me
in the face.
Copy !req
1162. I don't even know
how he got that angle.
Copy !req
1163. I'm wobbly.
Copy !req
1164. And he didn't even acknowledge
that he did any of that.
Copy !req
1165. He just kept it moving.
Like, "Yeah! Yeah!"
Copy !req
1166. And that's my least favorite
thing about clubs,
Copy !req
1167. is when people bump you
without saying "excuse me."
Copy !req
1168. I wish I could fart on
every person that does that,
Copy !req
1169. but I can't time out
my farts like that,
Copy !req
1170. so I just stew about it.
Copy !req
1171. So it's getting late.
Copy !req
1172. I decided to walk around
the club... one more time.
Copy !req
1173. And of course it's crowded.
I'm getting pushed.
Copy !req
1174. I said, "Hey, man,
you are pushing me right now."
Copy !req
1175. He said, "I'm sorry. I was
just trying to get through."
Copy !req
1176. I said, "Yeah,
you can get through
Copy !req
1177. without pushing
the shit out of me."
Copy !req
1178. And he says, "Relax."
Copy !req
1179. I said, "No, you relax!
Copy !req
1180. 'Cause you are pushing people
right now!"
Copy !req
1181. And he says, "Security!"
Copy !req
1182. And then two security guards
come out of nowhere.
Copy !req
1183. They swoop down,
they kick me out of the club,
Copy !req
1184. they take a full drink
out of my hand.
Copy !req
1185. It's kind of disappointing.
Copy !req
1186. So apparently...
that guy was the owner.
Copy !req
1187. But if you the owner,
just announce yourself.
Copy !req
1188. "Hey, man, relax.
I own the place."
Copy !req
1189. I said, "For real?
Thanks for the Absolut, dog.
Copy !req
1190. See y'all later."
Copy !req
1191. I live here in New York.
Copy !req
1192. There's a lot of dudes
in my neighborhood
Copy !req
1193. that have handlebar mustaches,
Copy !req
1194. which is cool if you want
to have a handlebar mustache,
Copy !req
1195. but don't try to have
a conversation with me
Copy !req
1196. like you don't have
a handlebar mustache.
Copy !req
1197. They try to talk about
regular stuff
Copy !req
1198. like music and politics.
Copy !req
1199. Nah, dude, if you got
a handlebar mustache,
Copy !req
1200. all I want to hear you
talk about
Copy !req
1201. is slinkies and kazoos
and that's it.
Copy !req
1202. Talk about kazoos
for a few minutes,
Copy !req
1203. then you go hop on a unicycle
and juggle...
Copy !req
1204. you carnival-faced
motherfucker.
Copy !req
1205. Yeah, I'm tackling
the real issues up here.
Copy !req
1206. I'm the Lenny Bruce
of grocery store
Copy !req
1207. and mustache humor!
Copy !req
1208. "Edgy mustache humor:
The Hannibal Buress story."
Copy !req
1209. My name is Hannibal.
That's my real name.
Copy !req
1210. I feel like having this name
has caused me
Copy !req
1211. to miss out on several
potential sexual encounters.
Copy !req
1212. "Hey, what's your name?"
Copy !req
1213. "It's Hannibal."
Copy !req
1214. "All right, bye."
Copy !req
1215. Seriously?
I'm a real dude.
Copy !req
1216. That's a movie dude
that you're judging me off of.
Copy !req
1217. That's not fair.
Copy !req
1218. Every day I had
the same conversation
Copy !req
1219. with people about my name.
Copy !req
1220. "Your real name is Hannibal?"
Copy !req
1221. "Yes, my real name
is Hannibal."
Copy !req
1222. "Your parents
named you Hannibal?"
Copy !req
1223. "Yeah, my parents
named me Hannibal."
Copy !req
1224. "So 'Hannibal' is
on your birth certificate?"
Copy !req
1225. "Yes, 'Hannibal' is
on my birth certificate.
Copy !req
1226. "But why did you just ask me
the same question
Copy !req
1227. in three different ways?"
Copy !req
1228. I want to choke that person
and see how they handle that.
Copy !req
1229. "Are you choking me right now?"
Copy !req
1230. "Yeah, I'm choking you
right now."
Copy !req
1231. "Are you using your hands
to apply force to my neck?"
Copy !req
1232. "Yeah, I'm using my hands
to apply force to your neck."
Copy !req
1233. "Are you trying to stop
the circulation of blood
Copy !req
1234. and oxygen to my brain
till I pass out?"
Copy !req
1235. "Yes, I'm trying to stop
the circulation
Copy !req
1236. "of blood and oxygen
to your brain...
Copy !req
1237. so you'll pass out."
Copy !req
1238. Sometimes when I travel,
I go to Facebook
Copy !req
1239. and search what Facebook friends
I have in that city,
Copy !req
1240. and I'll hit them up.
Copy !req
1241. And so I was
in Ann Arbor, Michigan,
Copy !req
1242. and I saw this girl's picture,
and I said,
Copy !req
1243. "Hey, what's up?
I'm in town doing shows.
Copy !req
1244. What are you up to?"
Copy !req
1245. And then I press "send,"
and I read in her profile.
Copy !req
1246. And it said, "Brandy attends
Ann Arbor High School."
Copy !req
1247. I said, "Oh, shit."
Copy !req
1248. So I sent a second message
that said,
Copy !req
1249. "Uh-oh. Ha-ha.
Never mind."
Copy !req
1250. But the way
Facebook messaging works,
Copy !req
1251. if you send a message,
then a second message
Copy !req
1252. before they reply
to the first message,
Copy !req
1253. it combines those
into one message.
Copy !req
1254. So it looks like I said,
"Hey, what's up?
Copy !req
1255. "I'm in town doing shows.
What are you up to?
Copy !req
1256. Uh-oh, ha-ha, never mind."
Copy !req
1257. Like I'm some type of regretful
pedophile or something.
Copy !req
1258. When I could have just
not sent the message.
Copy !req
1259. So I had to send her
a third message.
Copy !req
1260. I couldn't leave it like that.
Copy !req
1261. Said, "Brandy, Facebook
messaging combines the messages.
Copy !req
1262. "I sent a message saying
'What's up? '
Copy !req
1263. "Then I saw that you were 16.
Copy !req
1264. "I sent another message saying,
'Never mind.'
Copy !req
1265. "It combined those
into one message,
Copy !req
1266. "making me look like
a regretful pedophile.
Copy !req
1267. "This is the third message.
It ends right here.
Copy !req
1268. Good-bye forever, or...
good-bye for two years."
Copy !req
1269. Scouting.
Copy !req
1270. Planting the seed.
Copy !req
1271. This month...
Copy !req
1272. I pulled the power move
on my landlord.
Copy !req
1273. I wrote my rent check
for 1¢ less
Copy !req
1274. than what my rent is.
Copy !req
1275. We had a stare down.
Copy !req
1276. "Yeah, it's 1¢ less.
Now what?
Copy !req
1277. "What now?
Front door's messed up.
Copy !req
1278. "You need to fix that.
Copy !req
1279. "Living room light
is all weird.
Copy !req
1280. "You need to fix all
that stuff
Copy !req
1281. "before I gather
the other tenants
Copy !req
1282. "for next month's
one-penny movement.
Copy !req
1283. "You stand to lose
2¢ to 8¢
Copy !req
1284. "depending on
participation levels.
Copy !req
1285. Money over everything."
Copy !req
1286. All right.
Copy !req
1287. My other nemesis in life
is my teenage cousin.
Copy !req
1288. I don't like him at all,
I think he's a horrible person,
Copy !req
1289. and I hope he doesn't
get into college.
Copy !req
1290. If one of y'all was whooping
his ass right now,
Copy !req
1291. I'd let you get four more hits
in before I stop you.
Copy !req
1292. Like, "Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Copy !req
1293. Get off my cousin, man!"
Copy !req
1294. He always talks trash
about my comedy.
Copy !req
1295. "Hey, Hannibal.
Copy !req
1296. "We were watching your stand-up
on YouTube.
Copy !req
1297. It wasn't funny, man."
Copy !req
1298. So I had to figure out,
what can I say back
Copy !req
1299. to this 17-year-old boy
that'll destroy him?
Copy !req
1300. 'Cause I'm not letting
this slide.
Copy !req
1301. I'm very petty,
and I figured it out.
Copy !req
1302. And I just accused him
of masturbating
Copy !req
1303. because teenagers
can't handle that.
Copy !req
1304. Their psyches are weak.
Copy !req
1305. So I say, "What, man?
You coming from jacking off?"
Copy !req
1306. He goes, "No, I wasn't
jacking off, Hannibal!
Copy !req
1307. "Why would you say that?
I do not jack off!
Copy !req
1308. I will never jack off!
Get out of here, Hannibal!"
Copy !req
1309. "Why you want me
to get out of here,
Copy !req
1310. so you can jack off?"
Copy !req
1311. "No!"
Copy !req
1312. That won't work on me.
I'm 28.
Copy !req
1313. You say, "Hannibal,
you jacking off?"
Copy !req
1314. "Yeah.
Yes, I was jacking off.
Copy !req
1315. "I was jacking off, so I can
have sex for longer later.
Copy !req
1316. "That's grown man stuff.
Copy !req
1317. I'm planning out my life."
Copy !req
1318. Sometimes when I watch porn,
Copy !req
1319. I put my hoodie on
so I feel creepier.
Copy !req
1320. Yeah!
Copy !req
1321. Sometimes I get
under the computer,
Copy !req
1322. so it feels like
I'm spying on her.
Copy !req
1323. Like, "Yeah."
Copy !req
1324. Everybody needs a masturbation
hoodie, in my opinion.
Copy !req
1325. It's necessary.
Copy !req
1326. You have to keep
your top warm
Copy !req
1327. because your bottom
is exposed.
Copy !req
1328. Life is all about balance.
Copy !req
1329. Yeah.
Copy !req
1330. I like when women
are talkative in bed
Copy !req
1331. but not too talkative.
Copy !req
1332. I'll explain.
Copy !req
1333. This one girl,
her sentences were too long.
Copy !req
1334. I feel like the sentences...
the women's...
Copy !req
1335. they should be short,
clipped sentences.
Copy !req
1336. Three to five words.
Copy !req
1337. "Lick my clit.
Suck my tits."
Copy !req
1338. "You like that?"
"Yeah, I like that.
Copy !req
1339. Spank my ass.
Fuck me from behind."
Copy !req
1340. Short sentences.
But she was saying stuff like,
Copy !req
1341. "What was it about me
at the party
Copy !req
1342. "that made you
want to come up to me
Copy !req
1343. and talk to me initially?"
Copy !req
1344. In my bed?
Copy !req
1345. "Well, what happened was
the girl that I was
Copy !req
1346. "really going for,
she left,
Copy !req
1347. "so I had a lot of liquor
in me.
Copy !req
1348. I wasn't gonna give up
on the night."
Copy !req
1349. "But what was it?
Why were you so drawn to me?"
Copy !req
1350. "'Cause I thought you wouldn't
do this shit right here."
Copy !req
1351. And she just kept talking,
"Hannibal, let's build this up.
Copy !req
1352. "Make it a special experience.
I want you to fuck me all night.
Copy !req
1353. You gon' fuck me all night?"
Copy !req
1354. "Naw, not at all."
Copy !req
1355. "How long you gon'
fuck me for?"
Copy !req
1356. "Between 17 and 21 minutes."
Copy !req
1357. But she talked so much.
It was horrible.
Copy !req
1358. It was the first time I ever
came fast out of spite.
Copy !req
1359. Like, "I gotta come
and go to bed
Copy !req
1360. "and sleep off
your personality.
Copy !req
1361. "You put me
in a funny mental place.
Copy !req
1362. I'll probably have a weird dream
'cause of you."
Copy !req
1363. I meet some crazy women.
Copy !req
1364. I met this one girl at a bar.
It was...
Copy !req
1365. 3:00 in the morning.
Copy !req
1366. We had some drinks,
go back to her place.
Copy !req
1367. 4:00 in the morning,
we get there,
Copy !req
1368. she says, "All right,
don't try to hook up with me."
Copy !req
1369. "Don't try to hook up?
Copy !req
1370. "You just brought me,
a stranger,
Copy !req
1371. "back to your place
at 4:00 in the morning.
Copy !req
1372. "What's your motivation?
Copy !req
1373. "Because you couldn't
possibly think
Copy !req
1374. "I want to talk with you
this long.
Copy !req
1375. And she said,
"I would like to hook up,
Copy !req
1376. but I recently
had an abortion."
Copy !req
1377. I said, "Well, do you want
to have another one?"
Copy !req
1378. I didn't say that!
Copy !req
1379. I would never say something
like that out loud.
Copy !req
1380. Fix your face.
Don't look at me like that.
Copy !req
1381. I didn't say that.
Copy !req
1382. Why would she tell me that
though?
Copy !req
1383. "You know I don't deserve
that information from you.
Copy !req
1384. "You just met me.
Where are your boundaries?
Copy !req
1385. "You are over-sharing
right now.
Copy !req
1386. "You know how I am?
Copy !req
1387. "I got good buddies
that don't even know
Copy !req
1388. "how many siblings I have.
Copy !req
1389. "And you telling me this
an hour in?
Copy !req
1390. "Whatever, girl.
It's gon' be all right.
Copy !req
1391. "You just take it one day
at a time...
Copy !req
1392. "and I will pray for you...
Copy !req
1393. and keep you in my thoughts."
Copy !req
1394. People went crazy for, uh...
Copy !req
1395. for Black Friday.
It was weird.
Copy !req
1396. And people camp out
for the deals.
Copy !req
1397. Yeah, you got the deal,
but you camped out.
Copy !req
1398. That negates the deal.
Copy !req
1399. I'd rather pay full price
and sleep in my bed.
Copy !req
1400. Yeah, I don't want
to buy gifts for people.
Copy !req
1401. I'm fine with buying gifts
for people,
Copy !req
1402. but there's just a time.
Copy !req
1403. I wish I could just give people
the amount of money
Copy !req
1404. that correlates
to how much I love them.
Copy !req
1405. "I love you.
Here's $500.
Copy !req
1406. "You all right.
Here's $37.
Copy !req
1407. I hate you.
Give me $50."
Copy !req
1408. I lost my debit card recently.
Copy !req
1409. I had five charges on it
before I caught it.
Copy !req
1410. First charge, $30,
Chuck E. Cheese.
Copy !req
1411. Who goes to Chuck E. Cheese
Copy !req
1412. as soon as they find
a debit card?
Copy !req
1413. Are you serious?
Copy !req
1414. "Hey, I just found
this debit card.
Copy !req
1415. "Who's up for some
horrible pizza and Whac-A-Mole?
Copy !req
1416. "Let's go right now.
Copy !req
1417. "Who's up for flat Pepsi
and air hockey?
Copy !req
1418. "Let's get it while we can.
Copy !req
1419. "Time is of the essence.
Copy !req
1420. This dude is about
to cancel this, y'all."
Copy !req
1421. First charge, Chuck E. Cheese.
Copy !req
1422. Second charge,
$170 at Target.
Copy !req
1423. Third charge, $300 at Walmart.
Copy !req
1424. Fourth charge, $18 on gas.
Copy !req
1425. Fifth charge...
Chuck E. Cheese again.
Copy !req
1426. What type of monster are you?
Copy !req
1427. You didn't have enough fun
the first time?
Copy !req
1428. Did my card get stolen
by a nine-year-old
Copy !req
1429. or by some horrible,
broke father
Copy !req
1430. who can finally take his kids
out with my money?
Copy !req
1431. I hope they had a horrible time
on the second outing,
Copy !req
1432. I hope the pizza made
his family sick,
Copy !req
1433. and I hope his kids
never learn to read.
Copy !req
1434. Then another time my card
got stolen,
Copy !req
1435. somebody was charging up
crazy stuff in California.
Copy !req
1436. I live in New York.
Copy !req
1437. Two separate $400 charges
at Barnes & Noble.
Copy !req
1438. Who balls out of control
at Barnes & Noble?
Copy !req
1439. Who's ever spent more than
80 bucks there?
Copy !req
1440. And I hate Visa
fraud prevention
Copy !req
1441. for not knowing I'm not
the type of guy
Copy !req
1442. to spend $800 in 30 minutes
on books.
Copy !req
1443. You don't want to call me
and check that one out?
Copy !req
1444. "Well, we thought maybe you went
on a knowledge binge."
Copy !req
1445. "Nah.
Copy !req
1446. "No, I didn't go on
a knowledge binge.
Copy !req
1447. "That wasn't me.
Why didn't you call me?
Copy !req
1448. "You know with your whole heart
that wasn't me.
Copy !req
1449. "I really wish you
would have called me
Copy !req
1450. 'cause sometimes you call me
for some of the silliest stuff."
Copy !req
1451. "Hey, Mr. Buress,
it's fraud prevention just doing
Copy !req
1452. "a courtesy call.
Copy !req
1453. "I wanted to verify
this $3 charge on bread
Copy !req
1454. two blocks away
from your house."
Copy !req
1455. "Yeah, that was me spending
$3 on bread
Copy !req
1456. "two blocks away
from my house,
Copy !req
1457. "but that wasn't me spending
$800 on books
Copy !req
1458. across the fucking country."
Copy !req
1459. Then a $600 charge
at Bed Bath & Beyond,
Copy !req
1460. so I know I was dealing
with a woman.
Copy !req
1461. That luffa-buying cunt.
Copy !req
1462. How many body washes
does she need?
Copy !req
1463. Hope the sheets gave
her family bedbugs,
Copy !req
1464. and I also hope her kids
never learn to read.
Copy !req
1465. And if her kids already
know how to read,
Copy !req
1466. I hope they forget
how to read.
Copy !req
1467. Then they can't get usage out
of $800 worth of books.
Copy !req
1468. And I know some of y'all
tightened up
Copy !req
1469. when I called
that woman a cunt,
Copy !req
1470. but somebody steal
more than $1,000 from me,
Copy !req
1471. I'll call 'em what the fuck
I want.
Copy !req
1472. But I can't front though.
Copy !req
1473. When I was 13, I found
a credit card in the ATM.
Copy !req
1474. Went straight to Toys "R" Us,
rang up a PlayStation.
Copy !req
1475. Me, 13-year-old black kid
with a credit card.
Copy !req
1476. The name on it is
"John Hammerschmitt."
Copy !req
1477. And with full confidence,
Copy !req
1478. I walk over with
Mr. Hammerschmitt's card.
Copy !req
1479. They look at it and say,
"Is this your card?"
Copy !req
1480. "Yeah, that's my card.
Copy !req
1481. "It's my stepdad's card...
John Hammerschmitt.
Copy !req
1482. I'm authorized."
Copy !req
1483. They said, "Can you stay
right here?"
Copy !req
1484. "Nah.
Copy !req
1485. "Not staying right here, dog.
Copy !req
1486. "That sounds
kind of setup-ish.
Copy !req
1487. "How about we just go
our separate ways forever?
Copy !req
1488. "Yeah, let's just go
our separate ways...
Copy !req
1489. forever."
Copy !req
1490. So I've gained weight
over the past year, so, uh...
Copy !req
1491. people love to tell you
when you've gained weight.
Copy !req
1492. They give you no advice
afterward.
Copy !req
1493. "Hey, you got fat.
All right.
Copy !req
1494. See you later."
And that's...
Copy !req
1495. that's it.
Copy !req
1496. I picked up
a Men's Health magazine.
Copy !req
1497. I only picked up one.
No need to subscribe.
Copy !req
1498. It's the same magazine
every month.
Copy !req
1499. "Get rock-hard abs.
Check out these shirts.
Copy !req
1500. Here's some stuff to say
to fuck girls."
Copy !req
1501. Every issue.
Copy !req
1502. "6-pack abs!
10-pack abs! 12-pack..."
Copy !req
1503. What if I want an odd number
of abs?
Copy !req
1504. What if I want a five-pack
to show people I'm still humble?
Copy !req
1505. "Yo, what did Hannibal do
Copy !req
1506. "to isolate that flab
right there, man?
Copy !req
1507. "He has five muscles and one
piece of flab right there.
Copy !req
1508. How much does this dude
hate symmetry?"
Copy !req
1509. The weirdest people in my life
talk to me about my weight.
Copy !req
1510. My grandmother..."Hannibal,
you've gained weight."
Copy !req
1511. "What does this mean,
Grandma?
Copy !req
1512. "We can't fuck anymore?
Copy !req
1513. "Like, why are you talking
to me about my weight?
Copy !req
1514. You're my grandmother."
Copy !req
1515. "Hannibal,
you gaining weight."
Copy !req
1516. "Yeah, your titties are
really sagging, Grandma.
Copy !req
1517. "Why are we talking about
each other's bodies right now?
Copy !req
1518. "I don't know what
your motivation was.
Copy !req
1519. I was just being defensive."
Copy !req
1520. I do eat at restaurants
a bunch.
Copy !req
1521. Whenever I eat
at a restaurant,
Copy !req
1522. I never put the napkin
in my lap.
Copy !req
1523. I never put
the napkin in my lap.
Copy !req
1524. And people say, "Hannibal,
why don't you
Copy !req
1525. put the napkin in your lap?"
Copy !req
1526. Because I believe in myself.
Copy !req
1527. I believe in my ability
to not spill food on my pants
Copy !req
1528. 'cause I'm a goddamn adult,
and I have mastered
Copy !req
1529. the art of getting food
from my plate
Copy !req
1530. to my mouth without
messing up my jeans.
Copy !req
1531. You need to believe
in yourself too
Copy !req
1532. and get your life together.
Copy !req
1533. That's for babies.
Copy !req
1534. Have some confidence
in your eating abilities
Copy !req
1535. and hand-eye coordination.
Copy !req
1536. Believe in yourself!
Copy !req
1537. Believe in yourself
like one of those
Copy !req
1538. weird-ass clothing stores that
only have six shirts in 'em.
Copy !req
1539. So many questions.
Copy !req
1540. How much do these shirts cost?
Copy !req
1541. How long have y'all
been here?
Copy !req
1542. Why is there a DJ?
Copy !req
1543. You ever been in a store...
Copy !req
1544. "Hey, can I check out
this shirt?"
Copy !req
1545. "Nah, I'm spinning right now."
Copy !req
1546. I was...
Copy !req
1547. My judgment gets messed up
more by food and juice
Copy !req
1548. than it does by drugs
or alcohol.
Copy !req
1549. Two examples of this.
Copy !req
1550. On my way to the airport,
I bought a McGriddle.
Copy !req
1551. Bacon, egg, and cheese.
Copy !req
1552. I go to the airport.
Stopped at security.
Copy !req
1553. Go get a newspaper.
Copy !req
1554. I get to my gate...
the McGriddle was gone.
Copy !req
1555. Very upset.
Copy !req
1556. I go back to where I bought
the newspaper from.
Copy !req
1557. "Excuse me, did y'all find
Copy !req
1558. "a bacon, egg, and cheese
McGriddle?
Copy !req
1559. "It's very important to me.
Copy !req
1560. It had a hash brown
with it if you need clues."
Copy !req
1561. They said, "No."
Copy !req
1562. I walked back
to my gate defeated.
Copy !req
1563. The American Airlines lady said,
Copy !req
1564. "Is your name
Hannibal Buress?"
Copy !req
1565. "Yeah, that is my name.
Copy !req
1566. Did I write my name
on the McGriddle or something?"
Copy !req
1567. She says, "No, you dropped
your passport here."
Copy !req
1568. But I didn't realize
I dropped my passport
Copy !req
1569. 'cause I was so busy trying
to recover
Copy !req
1570. a bacon, egg,
and cheese McGriddle
Copy !req
1571. that I didn't care
about international travel.
Copy !req
1572. Whatever, going to other
countries is overrated.
Copy !req
1573. Where else I'm gon'
find a McGriddle?
Copy !req
1574. Those are scarce!
Copy !req
1575. I love apple juice.
Copy !req
1576. It's my favorite
of the juices.
Copy !req
1577. Uh, one day,
me and my girlfriend
Copy !req
1578. go to the grocery store.
Copy !req
1579. Mott's fresh-pressed
natural apple juice
Copy !req
1580. was $1.79 for a half gallon.
Copy !req
1581. That's a great sale.
We get eight bottles.
Copy !req
1582. Eight bottles is all
we have on the belt.
Copy !req
1583. In front of us is an old man
looking back, shaking his head.
Copy !req
1584. "No, nope, nah."
Copy !req
1585. "No, what's wrong, old man?
Copy !req
1586. "You mad 'cause we have
all this apple juice?
Copy !req
1587. "You can go get some too.
It's over there in aisle four.
Copy !req
1588. "But if not,
stop judging us.
Copy !req
1589. "Hell, yeah, we are hoarding
apple juice,
Copy !req
1590. "taking advantage
of this sale
Copy !req
1591. "before this store realizes
Copy !req
1592. "what a horrible mistake
they've made.
Copy !req
1593. "And you know what?
Copy !req
1594. "We're back here happy
with our apple juice,
Copy !req
1595. "and you up there lonely
with your chili and your beans.
Copy !req
1596. You lonely,
chili-and-beans-eatin' old man."
Copy !req
1597. But it took me a minute
to realize
Copy !req
1598. he wasn't shaking his head
'cause of the apple juice.
Copy !req
1599. He was shaking his head
'cause my girlfriend was white,
Copy !req
1600. and he didn't agree with that.
Copy !req
1601. But I was so caught up
in the euphoria
Copy !req
1602. of having
all that apple juice...
Copy !req
1603. that for a minute,
I lived in this world
Copy !req
1604. where racism didn't exist.
Copy !req
1605. Like, "Yo, it's obvious
that this old man
Copy !req
1606. "is just
an apple juice hater,
Copy !req
1607. "and he's just mad 'cause he
can't get all the apple juice
Copy !req
1608. that I'm getting right now."
Copy !req
1609. Hey, thanks a lot, y'all.
I appreciate y'all coming.
Copy !req
1610. Thank you.
Copy !req