Hall Pass (2011)

1. Do you recognize who this stud is in the blue shorts right here?

2. That's me the summer I got out of college.

3. Wow, Dad, you used to have muscles.

4. Well, I still got a few.

5. Where?

6. They're hibernating.

7. Who's that girl?

8. That's Mommy.

9. No, the young one standing next to you.

10. That's Mommy.

11. How come Mommy doesn't wear a bikini anymore?

12. Is it because of her fat ass?

13. Yeah. I guess.

14. What? No. Who said Mommy has a fat ass?

15. Mommy did.

16. Words hurt, Gunnar.

17. Hey, honey. We better get a move on. We gotta meet up with Fred and Grace soon.

18. No, I know, I know. I'm trying.

19. How long do you think you're gonna be?

20. Uh, 45 minutes? Less, if you help with the kids.

21. No, 45 minutes is good.

22. And this photograph is of me in high school.

23. I'm kidding. A joke. Come on.

24. Okay, come on. Bath time. Time to scrub some backs and clean some cracks.

25. I miss going out with you on Saturday nights.

26. I wanna have a new policy of going out six nights a week without the kids.

27. I think it would be good for us to go out one night a week...

28. - ... where it's just you and me. It would be— - You gotta be kidding.

29. - What? - You just checked out that girl's butt.

30. - Who did? - You did. And it's rude.

31. - What? Do you think she noticed? - I noticed.

32. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm just spacy tonight, honey, I'm sorry.

33. Hey, guys, come on. We're late.

34. - Hey. - Hi.

35. - Hey, Rick. - How you doing?

36. - What's wrong? - Nothing.

37. Grace, let me ask you a question.

38. Does Fred ever check out other women in front of you?

39. No, no. Fred's not a gawker. He's a good boy. Ha, ha.

40. - Hmm. - Come on, let's go say hi to Dr. Lucy.

41. - Let's go get a beer. - Yeah.

42. - Hey. - Hi.

43. - Congratulations. - Thank you, thank you.

44. Our first friend to win an award.

45. Oh, stop it. Listen, I don't deserve this thing.

46. - Oh. Come on. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. - Oh, come on.

47. - The whole thing is just embarrassing. - Stop it.

48. What is this, amateur hour?

49. How does your wife catch you checking out another girl?

50. She walked by and I glanced back for like half a second.

51. - Two beers, please. - You got it.

52. Hey, Quagmire, you don't wait for the girl to walk past and glance back at her.

53. You spot her from 15 feet away, turn, then wait for her to walk into your line of vision.

54. - What do you mean? - Don't you get it?

55. You can't help if her butt walks where you're looking.

56. Where you're looking. It was your air space.

57. - What could you do? - Exactly.

58. - Is that an original? - No.

59. - Who? - Coakley.

60. - Coakley? He did. - Hey, guys.

61. Hey, Missy.

62. Drink up, guys. Let's get this party started.

63. - Yes. - Whoo!

64. - Whoo! Ha, ha. - Whoo! OW.

65. Missy sure is looking chipper for someone going through a divorce.

66. Yeah. God.

67. You know what I love about divorcées?

68. They love sex.

69. - Is that true? - I don't know.

70. - I like to think so, though. Ha, ha. - You would like to think it was true.

71. God.

72. Look at those meatheads checking out Missy.

73. - Do they think, they're invisible? - I know.

74. Hey, I thought you said Fred isn't a gawker.

75. He was standing right there. I can't let him know I know.

76. - it'll take all the fun out of it. - Ha, ha.

77. Oh, God, he has this stupid move where he looks back...

78. and he waits for the girl to pass...

79. so that it seems like he couldn't help but notice her ass. It's pathetic.

80. You wanna hear a great idea?

81. Why don't you go upstairs and slip into something uncomfortable...

82. while I give the babysitter a ride home?

83. I want to, honey. I really do.

84. It's after midnight and I gotta get up early with the kids.

85. No, I'll get up with the kids. I'll take them to the park.

86. I'll take them to Finn's birthday party. You just stay in bed...

87. and play back some of the more acrobatic highlights...

88. from the show I'm about to put on for you.

89. - Mm. Okay. I'm in. Ha, ha. - Ah.

90. They're home!

91. Sorry.

92. He couldn't fall asleep.

93. So how were the little monsters tonight?

94. Perfect.

95. That Gunnar is so cute.

96. He's like a little monkey. He just wants to climb all over me.

97. Hmm.

98. All right, here we are.

99. Good night. Thank you.

100. Mr. Mills, can I ask you something?

101. Yeah, shoot.

102. I was wondering, um ...

103. Could you buy me some beer?

104. Buy you some—?

105. How old are you?

106. I'll be 21 next week.

107. - Wow. That's a biggie. Happy birthday. - Yeah.

108. So could you?

109. Well, you know, the law's pretty clear on this.

110. I think you can get into a lot of trouble—

111. Come on, I'm a junior in college.

112. You drank when you were in college.

113. - I ... - Besides, it's so arbitrary.

114. How does it make sense that 20's old enough to vote or watch porn...

115. - ... but it's too young to have a beer? - Really?

116. Twenty's old enough to, um—?

117. - Vote? - No. The other thing.

118. Watch porn? Yeah. Half the girls in those things are my age.

119. I mean, unless it's that weird fetish stuff where the women are, like, 40. Ha, ha.

120. Mm.

121. Look, I promise, no one's gonna find out.

122. Join me down at the river. We'll listen to some tunes and suck down a few beers.

123. Oh ...

124. Freeze right there!

125. You're under arrest for supplying alcohol to a minor.

126. Mills, you're fired!

127. I award your wife the house, the cars and half your wages.

128. I don't want you walking me down the aisle. You cheated on mom!

129. I don't want you at my civil ceremony. You cheated!

130. Get out.

131. What?

132. What I mean is that I'm sorry, I can't do that.

133. Why not?

134. Because it would be inappropriate, Paige.

135. What, is that your adult voice? "That would be inappropriate, Paige."

136. - Come on, it's for the— - No, Paige.

137. What are you thinking? I'm a married man. I have children.

138. You think they'd like me at the river alone drinking with a coed?

139. I never said alone. My boyfriend and his roommates are down there.

140. Okay, you better head inside now.

141. Good night, Paige.

142. Ew.

143. - What the hell were you thinking? - Okay, scoot along now, Paige.

144. Oh, thank God, you're still awake.

145. Quiet. Gunnar just fell asleep.

146. Okay. Let's tiptoe.

147. - Be very quiet, but still excited. - Ha, ha.

148. - Okay. - Ha, ha.

149. I'm scared.

150. - Can I sleep with you tonight? - Aw.

151. - Daddy? - No, absolutely not.

152. Daddy, words hurt, you know.

153. - Well ... - Come on, she's scared.

154. - We can let her— - What? Are you serious?

155. Look, this isn't just about her cock blocking me.

156. I don't like that my daughter needs someone to sleep with her every night.

157. That's not gonna be good when she goes to college.

158. Well, can someone at least read me a story?

159. Okay, one quick story.

160. Jump up.

161. And what is this new expression, words hurt?

162. - Where did you get that? - Mommy.

163. - Mommy? - Mm-hm.

164. Okay, well, Mommy isn't always right.

165. You know what my dad had? A belt. Yeah. Now, that hurt.

166. "Amazingly, our plan worked.

167. The gum kept the door from banging, and we never heard 'Don't slam the door' again.

168. The end."

169. - There. You look pretty, Daddy. - Good.

170. Okay, that was the last ponytail. It's time for you to go night-night.

171. Give me a big hug and a kiss.

172. Mwah. Mwah.

173. - I love you, Emma. - I love you more.

174. No, I love you more.

175. Honey? Honey?

176. Honey?

177. No. No.

178. I won. Uh.

179. Come on. Let's go to the slides, Gunnar.

180. Can you believe all the talent here today?

181. I know.

182. I mean, look at this buffet of ass.

183. Imagine coming here back when we were single.

184. - Ooh. The damage we would do? - Ha, ha, oh, boy.

185. Oh, man. Oh.

186. - Hey, did you get any action last night? - Nah.

187. Came close, but kids were awake when we got home.

188. - What about you, you get lucky? - No.

189. Well, I mean, kind of.

190. You know, Grace conked out right when we got home...

191. so I snuck out to the car, rubbed one out.

192. What are you, Knight Rider?

193. Why can’t you do it in the bathroom like every other guy?

194. What, and get caught by Grace? No way. I can't risk that. Uh-uh.

195. No, besides, cars turn me on.

196. It's where I lost my virginity.

197. So I go out there, put the seat back, pump some tunes.

198. It's pretty nice.

199. That's one of those things they don't tell you, huh?

200. What?

201. That you're still gonna be jerking off after you get married.

202. I mean, I thought that was just gonna be a teenage thing, right?

203. Yeah, I didn't see that one coming.

204. I gotta get going.

205. I gotta drop the kids off at a birthday party.

206. Hmm. You wanna get a coffee afterwards?

207. Yeah. Guys, come on!

208. You all right? You okay?

209. Yeah.

210. I tweaked my neck on the 17th hole yesterday.

211. I was 250 out. Had to get over some water. I gave it my all.

212. - I didn't know you played yesterday. - Yeah.

213. Aah.

214. Yeah, you gotta stretch. Because even something like foosball...

215. I've thrown my back out where it's, like, the thing where you—

216. Oh, my God.

217. - Hey. What can I get you? - Small coffee.

218. Sure.

219. Please don't have a nice ass. Please don't have a nice ass.

220. Please don't have a nice— Oh, come on, man.

221. - That is ridiculous. - I know.

222. I did some recon. She's from Australia.

223. - Of course she is. Shit. Don't bring me here. - She's been here about a month. What?

224. - Shh. Here she comes, here she comes. - All right. Thanks.

225. HEY- hi.

226. Uh, iced coffee, one Splenda, right?

227. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

228. And for your mate?

229. Same.

230. - Two Splendas. - Okay.

231. - So pretty. - Chick. Chick. Chick. Zzz.

232. What are you doing? What are you doing?

233. Taking mental photographs for my spank bank.

234. Fred, come on, dude. Just—

235. You need help.

236. No. She already got us. Thank you.

237. Wasn't a question.

238. Kid's right.

239. - Come on, guys, give it a rest. - Hey, Ed. I didn't see you standing there.

240. Because you were eye-banging the java babe.

241. - No. - No.

242. You're married men. She's half your age.

243. Maybe a little growing up? What do you think?

244. Hey, I guess I'm gonna see you at the housewarming party next weekend.

245. Huh?

246. Yeah, next Saturday afternoon at the new casa.

247. We're finally in. We're having a little soiree.

248. Hmm.

249. - Next Saturday— I think that could be tough. - Yeah, we're jammed.

250. Your wives already RSVP'd.

251. - Oh. Cool. - Can't wait.

252. Till then. Come on, pound the potato.

253. - Pshh. Ha, ha. - Uh-oh. Ha, ha.

254. Pound it.

255. Pshh.

256. - Take care, guys. - Okay.

257. Bye, Ed.

258. I'll pound his potato, you know what I mean?

259. - He's a good guy. - He is a nice guy.

260. - You open, Rick. - I know.

261. Okay, uh, I'll say three 9s.

262. Conservative, but that's what I'm going for.

263. Where's Coakley? Why didn't he show up?

264. Coakley is in Arizona, attending the Hawaiian Tropic regionals.

265. - But of course. But of course. - Four 9s.

266. Imagine being Coakley, huh?

267. That guy's single, he's loaded. Chicks love him.

268. He doesn't have to answer to anybody.

269. - Five 3s. - Let me ask you something.

270. How much would you pay to have your way with a Hawaiian Tropic girl...

271. for a weekend, hmm?

272. You can have anyone you want. You know she's not gonna get pregnant.

273. - No disease. - Not gonna cry rape.

274. Never hear from her again. Your wife will never find out.

275. How would I know my wife wouldn't find out?

276. It's a game.

277. - I'm just saying if it was possible. - it's a scenario.

278. Like I'm a genie and I can make it happen.

279. - I can see that. A genie. Yeah. Ha, ha. - Thank you. Thank you.

280. I can grant you this wish and make like it never happened.

281. Okay. You know what? I'll say it.

282. I would be willing to pay 250 of your American dollars.

283. You cheap bastard.

284. This is an investment, man.

285. Get your rocks off, right? Protect your wife's feelings.

286. - I'm going deep with it. Five grand. - Oh!

287. - Five grand? - Five grand, baby.

288. And I know Hogwarts right here would pay more.

289. - Hey, guys. Hi. - That's why he wears a tie.

290. - Hey, Maggie. - Hey, how's it going?

291. Hey, do you remember my brother-in-law, Flats?

292. - Pleasure. - Nice to see you again.

293. - Who's winning? - Uh-oh.

294. This guy right here's got all the loot.

295. - What? - Ha, ha.

296. Would you do me a favor and not tell Grace that I have disposable income?

297. She'll make me take her shopping...

298. or, like, see Kathy Griffin in concert.

299. - Yeah. - Okay.

300. How'd the kids go down?

301. Gunnar and Emma stalled for a while, but they weren't too bad.

302. - What about the baby? - The baby? Not a peep.

303. - I've been listening the whole time. - Oh.

304. - Yeah. - All right.

305. - Well, good night. - Mwah.

306. - All right. Have fun. - Okay.

307. - What is that? Four 7s. Is that good? - She's kidding.

308. - Maybe. Maybe I'm not kidding. - Ha, ha.

309. See you later.

310. Hey, genie, can you make my dick work?

311. Oh, you poor thing.

312. Oh, silly Daddy got the monitors mixed up.

313. Oh, have you been listening to those loudmouths ell night?

314. A question to you, Frederick, sir.

315. How much would you be willing to spend for a weekend of erotic pleasures...

316. - ... with one of the most beautiful women? - Six grand.

317. I've gotta have a way to get the money out of the checking account.

318. - I assume the genie could help with that? - Oh. I got you.

319. - I'll just give you my routing number? - Ha, ha.

320. Hey, hey, put me down for 7500.

321. Hog-Head, please, man. You don't have $7500.

322. Hey, be nice.

323. Okay, Rickster. Ha, ha!

324. What is your number?

325. - Ahh, I don't know. - Come on. You've gotta have a number.

326. - I don't know. - Any girl you choose.

327. You could do anything you want. The wife will never find out.

328. Completely harmless. One-time thing. What would you pay?

329. - I honestly don't know. - Ballpark, please.

330. Well, I have a great wife...

331. so I wouldn't wanna do anything to hurt her feelings.

332. So I guess the real question becomes...

333. what wouldn't I pay?

334. That's why this dude's wearing the hat.

335. This house has gotta be worth something, right?

336. Now, mother-in-laws. What do they go for on the black market?

337. Fifty bucks, maybe?

338. Fred said 6 grand? Oh, God, what a douche bag.

339. He won't even spend $60 on An Evening With Kathy Griffin tickets for me...

340. but he's gonna give some make-believe genie 6 G's'?

341. - Wanna near something funnier? - Yeah.

342. Hog-Head McCormick said 7500.

343. - Wow. - What?

344. Look, I mean, on the bright side, they're not cheating on us, right?

345. - Although that'd be kind of fun to watch. - Ha, ha.

346. I'd love to see the look on the girl's face...

347. when she wakes up next to Fred with his sleep apnea mask on.

348. Are you kidding? He wears one of those things...

349. - ... with the mask and the tube? - Yeah, it's awful.

350. That is attractive.

351. Every time I wake up, I think a plane's going down.

352. You know, sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be better if they did cheat.

353. Just got it over with.

354. You mean rather than take the slow boat to resentment?

355. I'm just saying, maybe a little freedom would be good for them, and for you.

356. Have you ever considered giving him a hall pass?

357. - A what? - A hall pass. A week off from marriage.

358. - No. - Heh.

359. Wait a minute. Are you saying let them go out and cheat?

360. I'm saying, give them a week off from marriage.

361. Look, most married men have very foggy memories of their single days...

362. and they begin to believe that if not for you...

363. they could be with these other women.

364. That's Fred.

365. I mean, he thinks because he sees big tits all day long...

366. and he manages to make it home without squeezing one...

367. that I should be greeting him at the door like some hero.

368. Maybe it's time to let them go out there and find out what it's like.

369. - Huh? - it's called the reactance theory.

370. It's a principle in psychology which says...

371. that if you constantly tell someone they can't do something...

372. they just want to do it more than ever.

373. Conversely, if you remove the taboo, you remove the obsession.

374. You know what? I have an idea, doc.

375. Why don' t you let your husband have a hall pass and let us know how it turns out?

376. Oh, I have.

377. Are you telling us you let Charlie sleep with another woman?

378. I'm not telling you that. I gave him the freedom to choose for himself.

379. And?

380. All I know is our marriage is better than ever.

381. All right.

382. Here, I'll get it. I'll get it, watch. Watch, watch, watch.

383. - Oh, wow, look at this place. - Pretty good, huh?

384. - Hey. - There he is, the lord of the manor.

385. You see the Prius? We're going green.

386. I can see that.

387. Everybody in the shack!

388. - The grand tour's about to begin! - Come on!

389. I call it headquarters.

390. And behind that wall, the war room. A 300-square-foot humidor.

391. The humidity in there never gets above 71 percent and never below 70.

392. Oh! Unbelievable. How does he come up with this stuff, huh?

393. Aw, thank you, Mandy. I threw in a backup generator...

394. in case we lose power and the main genny doesn't kick in.

395. It's absolutely epic, Ed.

396. Who wants a Cubano, huh?

397. Oh, wait a second, Eddie. First I want to show them my headquarters.

398. - Come, come. - Everybody upstairs.

399. Hey, Larry, I'll get you a cigar. Come on.

400. I can’t stand these look-at-how-much-I-own parties. They're obnoxious.

401. When I got my fully loaded Honda Odyssey, I didn't go around bragging about it, did I?

402. Well, kind of. You made me drive around town for two hours, remember?

403. Well, I thought you'd like to watch a movie in a minivan.

404. - You never watched a movie in a minivan. - No.

405. But did you have to hook your boat up to it?

406. Yeah. Yeah. It's a touring edition, dick.

407. Fridge, Sub-Zero.

408. The floors are French limestone and the counter tops are Brazilian granite.

409. It's my paradise.

410. With a price tag north of 240 large, it better be paradise.

411. See, this is why the terrorists hate us.

412. Oh. I love Brazilian granite. How come I don't have Brazilian granite?

413. If you recall, we had to make a couple of fairly substantial expenditures. Remember?

414. Hey, gang, check this out.

415. Oh. Honey, don't show them that. They're gonna think we're wackos.

416. Sweetie, don't keep me down.

417. - What the hell is this? - Get in here, you're gonna love this.

418. Hey, where are the guys?

419. Wow. This is like secret-agent stuff.

420. I think a safe room is a bit over-the-top.

421. Ed thought with the little ones you can never be too cautious.

422. Oh. You're such a good daddy.

423. No, I disagree.

424. Here comes Tweedledee and Tweedledum.

425. Who gets a minivan when they don't have any kids?

426. Wow, man. You just don't understand the insurance game, do you, Rick?

427. - Ah, enlighten me. - When you pull into a person's driveway...

428. to sell them insurance, who do you think they'd rather see?

429. Some knucklehead hotshot in a convertible Sebring...

430. or a family man in a minivan?

431. Where is everybody? Hello?

432. - Guys, we're in here! - They can't hear you.

433. Room's soundproof.

434. And bulletproof. Also, Curt Schilling's been in here, because I know him.

435. Hmm.

436. I guess they must've gone upstairs.

437. Look at this fucking thing.

438. - I feel bad for Ed Jr. - Mm-hm.

439. It's one thing if you wanna look like Admiral Dipshit...

440. but then you gotta do it to your kid? Look at that little:

441. it's awful.

442. Got him, like, looking like Thurston Howell too. "Eh ..."

443. Thanks for coming to the war room, old chap.

444. By the way, did I mention that my wife's vagina never goes above 71% humidity?

445. - Um, maybe we should turn this off. - Not a chance.

446. What happens if you lose power during a blow...

447. and your main generator drops out?

448. That's why we had the backup genny installed in Britney's rumpus.

449. - Here we go. - Ah, good show.

450. - In the rumpus? - Right inside.

451. And there's room in there with the stick?

452. We had to rotate the stick a little.

453. But then it gives you a little room to get it up there!

454. Absolutely. Can wedge anything in that ass.

455. Ha-ha-ha. Your English accent's great!

456. Thank you.

457. Speaking of installations...

458. what about the shiny new set of cans on Mandy?

459. - Oh ... - Oh, yeah.

460. Either that or she's buying her T-shirts at Baby Gap.

461. - I don't get the whole fake-boob thing. - What don't you get?

462. I like my bongos with a little mileage on them, like Britney's.

463. Britney's? No way, those are like Baja miles.

464. I like being able to get in there and smoosh them...

465. hump them, Stretch Armstrong, just bibbety-bap them all around.

466. Okay. All right.

467. But what about the correlation between floppy boobs...

468. and large-mouth vaginae?

469. Okay.

470. You look down there, it's like, "Hey, I'm Billy Big-mouth Vagina."

471. Home, home on the range

472. Where the big-mouth vaginae Feel strange

473. - Where nothing is good - Shh, shh, shh.

474. And it can't Ht your wood

475. You know what I mean.

476. Oh, relax. Come on, they can't hear us.

477. You people are horrible! Horrible!

478. Very disappointed, gentlemen. Very disappointed.

479. Hey, anyone thinking chocolate-chip cookie dough in a waffle cone?

480. Large-mouth vaginae?

481. You thought that was funny?

482. No.

483. Really? You were laughing like a hyena when he said it.

484. Well, I was embarrassed for Fred, to be honest. It was uncomfortable.

485. What the hell is wrong with you two?

486. You are completely obsessed with sex.

487. Honey, obsessed is a very strong word.

488. Oh, yeah? This morning you left the computer on Cock Gobblers. Corn.

489. I get my weather from that site.

490. You know what really bothers me?

491. This thing that you're all so obsessed with is completely meaningless to you.

492. Rick, you can’t even tell me the month that you lost your virginity.

493. I can tell you the exact day and hour that I lost mine.

494. Well, honey, virginity's different for guys.

495. The point is, I like sex too. It means something to me.

496. But that doesn't mean that I'm out gawking at every guy I see.

497. Okay, so I occasionally notice other women. I'm sorry.

498. Occasionally?

499. Driving in a car with you is like being with a horny bobblehead.

500. I notice women. I notice all women. I do. And you wanna know why?

501. - it's because of the way guys are wired. - Oh, come on. Give me a break.

502. It's true. It's just the way it is.

503. It's not the way you think. It's more like a curse. It's something you can't help.

504. I thought when we got married that it would stop, but it doesn't. It's just— it's there.

505. I'm giving you a hall pass.

506. - A what? - One week off from marriage.

507. What, like a trial separation? You are seriously overreacting.

508. No, it's not a separation, it's a hall pass.

509. You can do whatever you want. Get it out of your system.

510. Wait a second, are you for real?

511. Rick, this isn't something that I just ...

512. I think that you need this. I think we need this.

513. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

514. It's not a yes-or-no offer, and it's not a debate.

515. Tomorrow morning I'm taking the kids to my parents' Cape house.

516. We'll be back next Sunday.

517. Oh, great. So, what am I supposed to do?

518. Whatever you want.

519. As far as I'm concerned, you have the week off from marriage.

520. They've just added this porch.

521. There's also a jogging path right by the river.

522. But also, what they've just put in is a new bike trail—

523. - Hello. - Hey. Oh. What are you doing here?

524. I called the office, they said you were in the neighborhood. Nice place.

525. This is my friend Fred. Fred, say hello to Harold and Marcy Goldberg.

526. - They're just moving up from Long Island. - Oh, mazeltov, folks. How are you?

527. Let me give you a card. If you need any home, auto, life insurance.

528. - Kind of the go-to mensch here in town. - We're okay with insurance.

529. That's what they all say until they drop dead. Let me give you one.

530. I don't think anyone's gonna drop dead. But thanks, Fred.

531. If you wanna take another look...

532. I'll be waiting right here to answer any questions.

533. - Thanks. Yeah. - Ha, ha.

534. What are you doing, man? The mazeltov? Give me a break.

535. - Sorry. You weren't answering your phone. - No. I'm working.

536. I just wanna see what trouble you got into last night.

537. - You know what Grace made me do? - What?

538. She drove me there to apologize. Did Maggie give you grief...

539. when you got back home?

540. - Kind of. - Yeah?

541. What happened?

542. She gave me a hall pass.

543. A what?

544. It's like a week off from marriage.

545. Heh, heh. Yeah, right.

546. - I'm serious. - Fuck you.

547. It's true.

548. She's taking the kids and going up to her parents' beach house till next Sunday.

549. Wait, I don't get it. What—? Why aren't you buying ticker tape for the parade?

550. - I don't know how I feel about it. - Feel about what?

551. The hall pass. I don't— just— Something doesn't seem quite right.

552. You think Maggie might have a brain tumor or something?

553. No, no. it's like, just because your wife says it's okay to cheat, is it?

554. There's a part of me that's like:

555. "Wow. You must've really pushed her to get her to this point."

556. Is that good for a marriage, that she's willing to try something this insane?

557. Absolutely. Come on.

558. Doesn't it ever bother you that all of our wives' dreams come true and ours don't?

559. Look at Maggie, all right?

560. She used to play house. You bought her a house.

561. She used to play with a Easy-Bake Oven. You bought her a Viking.

562. She wanted to be a mommy, you made her a mommy.

563. - GE. - What GE?

564. The oven's a GE.

565. It doesn't matter, you're not trying to sell.

566. Look at you, you're not living your dreams. I don't see you hosting Wheel of Fortune.

567. Your wife is living her dreams, and now this woman, this saint of a woman...

568. she's giving you the opportunity to live yours.

569. Now you watch, this thing's gonna end up biting Maggie in the ass.

570. And I gotta admit, I lost a little respect for Rick for accepting it.

571. - Well, it wasn't really his choice. - Mm-hm.

572. This is really her call, Fred.

573. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good point.

574. - You know what, maybe you're right. - Huh.

575. Maybe this is the progressive, cool thing to do.

576. Yeah, that's not what I was saying. I said—

577. You are not getting a hall pass. So you can cut the bullshit.

578. What?

579. Why would I need a hall pass, huh? I got you!

580. Well, not tonight, you don't. I'm bloated and I have cramps.

581. Ah, shit. I forgot to take out the trash.

582. Tonight's the night we'll make history

583. Honey, you and I

584. 'Cause I 'll take any risk

585. To tie back the hands of time

586. And stay with you here tonight

587. I know you feel these are the worst of times

588. I do believe it's true

589. But I know If the world just passed us by

590. Baby, I know

591. I wouldn't have the time

592. No, no

593. The best of times

594. Okay, ma'am. If you say he's yours, you can have him.

595. Thank you, officer.

596. - Is he going to jail? - Thank you so much.

597. What kind of sick prick jerks off in his front yard?

598. I got a hall pass.

599. What? How?

600. Well, it doesn't matter how. I got one.

601. Can you believe it? I got a hall pass.

602. When does yours begin?

603. Uh, 24 minutes ago.

604. Yeah, she's gonna go join Maggie up at the Cape.

605. It's just you and me, buddy, for the next 6 days. Ha, ha.

606. You realize how much easier this is, having a hall-pass partner?

607. Yeah. Tell me about it.

608. It's not just me. it's gonna be Gary, Hog-Head, Flats.

609. They're all coming out with us.

610. Are you joking? Those guys got hall passes?

611. - No, no, no. They just wanna watch. - Yeah. Watch what?

612. Watch us reel in the babes. Ha, ha.

613. That's good, that's good. You remember how we dominated in JV basketball?

614. Yeah, senior year.

615. But that one game where we had a couple fans in the stands, we played even better.

616. - We're a couple of show ponies, aren't we? - Yeah, we came alive!

617. We gotta get out of here, we're burning daylight.

618. - Let me log out. - You log out.

619. - I'm gonna try to bang your receptionist. - No, no, no! Fred. Fred.

620. Let's keep the office clean.

621. Wait till we hit the streets.

622. Class act.

623. What is taking this dude so long?

624. Just be patient. He'll come.

625. Wait, okay, I see some movement.

626. - I don't see anything. - Yeah, upstairs window.

627. Oh. Here he comes.

628. - What the hell is he doing? - Uh-oh.

629. - Shit! - He's up. He's up.

630. You okay?

631. Come on, come on.

632. Get in here, Rapunzel.

633. - What the hell took you so long? - I couldn't find my umbrella.

634. Why do you need an umbrella?

635. Apparently there's a forty percent chance of a light drizzle.

636. Come on, come on. Let the mayhem commence.

637. Hit it.

638. This place is dead.

639. Okay, well, the guy at the Comfy Nite Inn said it doesn't really kick in till about 9:30.

640. All right.

641. Why are you guys staying at a hotel?

642. Well, come on, Flats, I can't very well bring a bunch of models back to my place.

643. What if they end up stalking me?

644. And Rick's house has got a bunch of family photos...

645. and kids' drawings on the fridge, you know?

646. It ain't exactly an aphrodisiac for babes.

647. Doesn't make boners.

648. Hey, hey, talking of babes, which one have you got your eyes on?

649. - Come on, who are you gonna bone first? - Uh ...

650. Hey, hey, hey. What about those two? Why don't you go bang them?

651. Or maybe the hostess. Someone should definitely jump her bones.

652. Guys, attempt to be cool.

653. You know, we've got the whole week, so ...

654. We'll get there, we'll get there.

655. Are you guys sure Applebee's is the best place to meet horny women?

656. What are you thinking, Olive Garden?

657. What do you want, hot pussy or breadsticks?

658. Wait a second, wait. Where's Coakley?

659. - That's where we should be. - Yeah. He's in Iceland.

660. Why? What's he doing there?

661. What do you think? Iceland has the most beautiful women in the world.

662. Yeah. Bjork.

663. Okay, look. I'm taking the bull by the horns right now, okay?

664. You guys want beautiful women, right?

665. I know a place that got ass on tap!

666. Okay? And it's not Applebee's. And it's not Olive Garden.

667. Let's roll, baby.

668. - Follow me, fellas, for some ass. - Good. Okay. I like it.

669. A man with an plan. Okay. Where we going?

670. Chili'S.

671. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

672. Before we go bagging chicks, I need a hunk of beef inside me.

673. You're not gonna get a better hunk of beef than you get here.

674. That's true. That's true.

675. Look, we got a long night ahead of us. Why don't we go fuel up?

676. Okay, where to now?

677. - Rick? - Hmm?

678. - Answer Flats. - What's the question?

679. What the hell are we doing for the rest of the night?

680. - We're gonna get laid, right? - Yeah.

681. Is that the plan? Yeah.

682. I gotta go home and poo.

683. Now?

684. Why don't you just back one out here?

685. Ooh, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna need a bath afterwards.

686. Come on, guys! All right, listen, I say we go to a titty bar, yeah?

687. Where there's tits, and we look at them, and we smoke cigars.

688. - That'll put a bit of lead back in the pencil. - I got a better idea.

689. I say we, uh, tie a bow on it and put her to bed.

690. It's gonna be a long week. I think we need to pace ourselves.

691. What? it's only 9:15.

692. Mm. No, I'm with Rico. Freddie tie-tie.

693. Oh, come on!

694. Guys, guys, relax. This is just the calm before the storm.

695. That's right, that's right. Tonight we build up some strength, and then tomorrow, pfft...

696. make landfall.

697. This resort sure beats the hell out of the Comfy Nite Inn.

698. - Why aren't you guys staying here? - Too pricey.

699. Besides, if you pay for golf you get full access to the resort, including the pool bar.

700. - Oh! - Not bad, yeah?

701. Mothers, lock up your daughters. The dogs are off the leash.

702. Gentlemen, look what I got here.

703. What are those?

704. Oh, just some brownies...

705. - ... of the pot variety. - Whoa.

706. - What? - We're not on spring break.

707. - Where'd you get those? - From the guy who cleans my office.

708. - Come on, who's in? - Ehh. Ahh ...

709. No.

710. Come on, you squares.

711. It's not the same as when you smoke it.

712. When you eat it, it's a much more mellow buzz. Makes you feel sort of relaxed.

713. - Are they chocolatey? - Yeah.

714. You know what, Rick? This is spring break.

715. You guys got a hall pass.

716. You need to live it up.

717. Might help your rap with the ladies at the pool later.

718. - Ha, ha. Correct. - You don't even have a hall pass.

719. So? I can live vicariously through you guys.

720. It's not vicarious if you're actually doing it, Hog-Head.

721. Get off my back. I'm just trying to enjoy a pastry here.

722. Oh, what the hell.

723. It's not like my game could get any worse.

724. - Come on. - Do it.

725. - All right, give me one of those things. - Hee-hee.

726. It's a bit naughty.

727. Hurry up!

728. What kind of soap do you use?

729. - In the shower? - Yeah.

730. Whats the matter with you?

731. - Dove. - I like Dove.

732. I like it, it doesn't dry your skin out so much.

733. - Play through! - Play through.

734. Feel this.

735. - That is so soft. - Yeah.

736. Golly, that is soft. Hey, Hog-Head, come here, man.

737. You gotta feel Rick's skin, feel how soft it is.

738. - Ha-ha-ha. - Hog-Ass, you okay?

739. What the hell is he doing?

740. He's got back spasms.

741. - Not him. Him. - No, they were delicious.

742. - Think your mother would give the recipe? - Gary! What are you doing?

743. I'm talking to the guy who cleans my office!

744. He says we took way too much!

745. We're only supposed to eat, like, a quarter of a brownie each!

746. What?

747. Look, this is the third time I've had to flag your group, and you're on the 4th hole.

748. Now, if I have to come out here again, you're done.

749. - Sorry, we're gonna pick it up. - Ha, ha.

750. I'll see you, Jorge.

751. Where was the last place you saw it?

752. On one of the fairways. I grabbed e club, took e swing, looked around, gone.

753. - Vanished? - Yes.

754. Dude, where's my golf cart?

755. - Not funny. - Fred, knock it off.

756. Hey, guys, I need to take a poo.

757. Give us a second here.

758. I think it's been stolen.

759. - Who's gonna steal a golf cart? - Criminals.

760. - It's probably jacked up on bricks now. - Gary, you're being paranoid.

761. - I'll tell you this. I do remember this. - What's up with this shit?

762. I saw it on the 11th tee. That's the last I saw it.

763. - We're on the sixth hole. - They're cutting.

764. Did we skip five holes?

765. Shit, where are my kids?

766. Anybody have any napkins?

767. Come on, man!

768. We're getting cut on by the Joy Luck Club.

769. Nobody cares about this?

770. - Is that the marshal? - Should we say something?

771. Cops! Run for it! Cutters!

772. Whoa. Oh ...

773. - Speed up, speed up! - I can't! I've got it floored!

774. Well, cut through the woods!

775. - Come on! - Come on! Come on!

776. - Hurry! - Hurry!

777. - Go! Go! Go! - Come on!

778. Go, go, go!

779. Ed. Britney.

780. Clones.

781. - Strike! - Hey, ump! You're missing a hell of a game!

782. Let's go. Come on, batter up. Let's go.

783. Little hit. Little hit. Let's go, Gerry.

784. Go, go, go!

785. Safe!

786. I don't know how you can be so calm...

787. knowing our husbands are out chasing tail all over town.

788. Shh, keep it down.

789. Relax. Here's how I see it:

790. Rick and Fred are like a couple of domesticated cats scratching at the door.

791. - Ha, ha. - The first time you let them out...

792. they are so paralyzed with fear they bolt back into the house.

793. Okay, but we're not talking about cats here. We are talking about dogs.

794. Ha, ha. Well, what choice do we have?

795. I don't know. I mean, why couldn't we just keep the status quo?

796. Were things that bad that we have to do something this extreme?

797. For me they were.

798. Remember when we went to Lucy's award thing?

799. - Yeah. - Well, that night Rick and I were gonna...

800. - ... you know. - Yeah.

801. I started wondering, who is he gonna be thinking about when we're having sex?

802. Is it gonna be that girl that he checked out...

803. or is it gonna be somebody he met that day or Missy Frankinopoulos?

804. Gr some Frankinopoulos monster where he combines his favorite parts of all of them?

805. - So when he came into the room ... - What?

806. I pretended to be asleep.

807. You're kidding. You don't— You've never done that before?

808. I do that all the time.

809. - Really? - Yes.

810. I think it's our job as women that between the hours of 10 p.m. and 6 a.m...

811. we just fake everything.

812. - Ha, ha. Well, I don't know. I— - Hey.

813. I'm Gerry. Thanks for coming out to support us.

814. Yeah. That was so much fun.

815. - Go Falmouth. Ha, ha. - Ha, ha.

816. Thanks.

817. So we saw you guys sitting up there with those kids. Are you nannies or something?

818. No. Those are my kids.

819. They're her kids.

820. I'm not old enough to have kids.

821. Come on. Guys, come on, let's go. Let's pick it up.

822. - What am I, your slave? - See you.

823. Pick up your own balls and bats! Move your ass!

824. - Thank you, Eddie. - Ha, ha. Hey, Dad.

825. Maggie, Grace. Rick Coleman, my golf buddy.

826. - He's the coach. - Hey. Hi.

827. Hope those clowns weren't bothering you.

828. - Oh, no, they were sweet. - Yeah. No, no. Those were cute kids.

829. We're going to the players' digs for beer and brats. Join us?

830. - Yeah. - No. We have to get the kids home.

831. Go. Go have some fun. You haven't been out all week.

832. Your mother and I have the kids. We've got Paige. No problem.

833. - I don't know. We weren't planning on— - Come on. it's gonna be fun.

834. We're gonna have a belly-flop contest in the pool. You all can be judges.

835. - Ha, ha. Uh— - We're in.

836. Great. Let me clean up and you can follow me over.

837. - Great. - I'll go round up the kids.

838. - What are you doing? - Huh?

839. Those guys are still in college. And in case you forgot, we're married.

840. Uh, to who? Because you know what? The last that I checked...

841. Rick and Fred had the week off from marriage...

842. so remind me again, who are we married to?

843. Well, I guess one beer won't kill us.

844. Now, that's my girl.

845. Come on, why can't we have some fun? God knows our guys are living it up.

846. What would you rather? Make out with a guy or let him blow you?

847. And you gotta pick one or your whole family will die. That's the rule.

848. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

849. - How long would you have to make out? - Ten minutes.

850. - Tongue? - Of course.

851. How long would you have to let him blow you?

852. - Seven minutes. - Seven?

853. Couldn't last seven minutes.

854. This is tricky because, obviously, getting a blow job from a guy, you know, is bad...

855. - ... but I don't know. - Oh.

856. Making out with him is just so intimate, isn't it?

857. What does he do for a living, just out of interest?

858. Okay, look. This is some bullshit, okay? I'm out of here, man.

859. I wanted to watch you guys pick up chicks, not talk about dicks.

860. Whoa. Greased Lightning, take your foot off the gas. These things take time.

861. Nah, Flats is right. This is day three. You guys haven't even talked to a girl.

862. That's not true. Thanks to Gary's brownies...

863. I was talking to Judy on the drug hotline most of last night.

864. I'm gonna get going as well, guys. See you later.

865. Guys, it's all right if you strike out.

866. For God's sakes, at least take a couple of swings.

867. Maybe we should just call the girls, ask them to come home.

868. Wait a second, you wanna quit?

869. Fred, come on. We're not the same guys we were 15 years ago when we were single.

870. We've changed.

871. No. No, you've changed. All you're thinking about is yourself.

872. I don't care. I'm exhausted. I wanna go home.

873. - I miss my wife and kids, okay? - No.

874. No, no, no. Let me explain something to you, okay?

875. If Maggie and Grace find out that we can't get laid on our own...

876. they'll start thinking that we need them to get laid.

877. Do you realize what that'll do to the balance of power in our homes? Do you?

878. Ahh. Yeah.

879. Maybe we just say that we did hook up.

880. I can't. Grace will know I'm lying. She always knows when I'm lying.

881. And she doesn't forget.

882. I once got caught giving her fake chow and I didn't hear the end of it for years.

883. - What's fake chow? - When you're going south on them...

884. and don't wanna use your tongue, so you use fingers and smack your lips.

885. - Fake chow. - Gotcha.

886. - What if we hit a massage parlor? - No way. That is giving up.

887. You don't get it, do you?

888. If we can't show something positive can come from having a hall pass...

889. then the whole concept is dead.

890. Not just for you and me, but for all mankind.

891. Okay, let's get out of here. I know exactly where we should be.

892. Not tonight, fellas.

893. But there is an oldies bar up on Mineral Spring Avenue.

894. - Check that out. - Ha, ha. Thanks for the tip, Twilight.

895. No, no, no. Come on. Look, let's out through the B.S. okay?

896. I know you got a tough job. I can relate.

897. When I was in college I was right where you are.

898. Sorry, but if I let you in I'm gonna lose my job.

899. Come on. You're not gonna lose your job.

900. Here's 50 bucks, okay?

901. Why don't you see what you can do.

902. Ah, ah, ah.

903. Sorry about that, big man.

904. My fault. I went against my gut.

905. Oh, yeah, about that.

906. We don't mean to question your betting process...

907. but we were only in there for two minutes before your boss went ballistic.

908. - So we were wondering if— - Can I get my 50 bucks back?

909. You fucking kidding me?

910. Whoo!

911. How about you, Rick? You have any kids?

912. I really don't like kids.

913. They're too needy. Plus, it's usually smart to get married if you're gonna have kids...

914. and women only like me for three months at a time.

915. That's what you get. That's what you get.

916. How about you? How long have you been off the market?

917. - Over 20 years if you include dating. - Whoa.

918. We started going out when I was a freshmen in college.

919. - And where is he? - He's ...

920. He's back in Providence.

921. Poor guy. All work and no play.

922. Yeah. Something like that.

923. Here we go.

924. Hey, what's with the helmet?

925. Oh, chicks dig motorcycles. Come on.

926. Hi, everybody.

927. This is Stella Bass Band.

928. We're here to tighten it up for you.

929. First we want Willie to tighten it up.

930. What's that?

931. I went online earlier this afternoon, got a few pick-up lines to get the ball rolling.

932. "You must be from Ireland because when I look at you my penis is Dublin."

933. You know what? I don't think we need any phony pick-up lines.

934. I think we can just be our natural selves.

935. - Great, yeah. If you know how to. - Oh, yeah.

936. - Give me the helmet. - Mm-hm.

937. And right now, there's a lot of people without jobs.

938. So, you know, just suck it up. This is gonna—

939. Hello.

940. - Hello. - Hi.

941. Hola.

942. Wow. This is awkward. I feel like I'm at my first junior-high mixer. You know?

943. - When you don't know what to say. - Ha, ha.

944. Um, so are you women from Ireland perchance?

945. - No. - Really?

946. Oh. I'm very surprised to hear that news...

947. because when I look at you, my wiener doubles in size.

948. Oh, no, no, no. He means that his penis is Dublin.

949. Like the city in Ireland.

950. It's doubling.

951. Do you know how much a polar bear weighs?

952. No, how much?

953. Enough to break the ice. Hi, Fred Searing.

954. Would you like to try the Australian kiss?

955. It's like the French kiss except down under.

956. Excuse me? Do you think these bar napkins smell like chloroform?

957. I'm kidding. Fred Searing. Can I buy you a drink?

958. I feel like donkey-kicking everyone in this bar. This is unbelievable.

959. Hey. Hey, hey, keep your chin up, okay? No one said this was gonna be easy.

960. Even in college it took 50 rejections for every one score.

961. Yeah, yeah.

962. Of course, it didn't sting as much when you were drunk.

963. That's what we should do, then. We should get drunk.

964. - You're right, we're too stiff. - I know.

965. Let's get the creative juices flowing.

966. Let the soul come to the surface.

967. That's when we're at our most charming.

968. You say no to me?

969. You say no to me? No, no, no. Flip it!

970. I say no to you!

971. - Come on, let's go, baby. It's time to go. - Oh, screw you!

972. Look, hey, you think your shit don't float?

973. Let me tell you something. I wouldn't titty-bang any of you in a snowstorm.

974. - Come on, please? - No!

975. - You had your shot and you blew it! - Come on.

976. - Goodbye! - You are the man tonight.

977. Oh, hey! Betsy Ross! You need a pole for that flag?

978. Aw, what's the matter? You can't get any bigger, you little bitch?

979. Hey, hon, it's me again. Just checking in. Hope you and the kids are having fun.

980. And tell them that I'll call them at bedtime. Okay, miss you guys.

981. - I actually didn't order any dessert. - Yeah, I know.

982. It's on the house. It's from Diana.

983. - Ohh. Hey, thanks very much. - No, no, no. I said the young guy.

984. Hey. Hi. This is for you. it's from Diana.

985. - Oh, wow, thanks. - You're welcome.

986. Zero matches? I didn't think that was possible.

987. No, no, I'm just kind of— I'm just messing around here.

988. - Yeah, I know. - What a bizarre world...

989. this internet dating thing is.

990. Hey, let me ask you something. ls Grace a big baseball fan?

991. Grace?

992. No. No, she hates baseball.

993. - Really? - Yeah. Despises it.

994. I just talked with Maggie's dad and he was saying...

995. that the girls have been going to some minor league games.

996. - Well, the kids are probably enjoying it. - No, that's just it.

997. It's like the kids are with the grandparents in Nantucket for a few days.

998. Our girls been going alone.

999. What is that?

1000. Just a— it's a picture.

1001. - That's from high school. - Yeah, I know. I think it says a lot about me.

1002. I love football and it's— it's just like a teaser, man. There's like—

1003. I got some more current ones. Look.

1004. - Oh, look at that. - it's cute.

1005. Never occurred to you that the wife and three kids...

1006. might scare off potential ladies though, huh?

1007. You think I should Photoshop the baby out?

1008. Yeah. I think you should Photoshop all of them out. Come on.

1009. Look, I'm trying to be honest here. I don't want some gal walking away...

1010. with a broken ticker when she finds out I'm a one-time carnival ride.

1011. Mm-hm. Let's forget the internet, all right?

1012. You and I gotta start playing to our strengths. Starting now.

1013. - Good. What are they? - Let's be honest.

1014. Complete strangers do not like us.

1015. - Agreed. - But you know who does?

1016. People that know us just a little bit. Like in a casual surface-y kind of way.

1017. - They dig us. - They do dig us.

1018. When they don't know us that well.

1019. - Like who? - Well, I was thinking about ...

1020. - Oh. Hi, Fred. - Hey, Missy. Oh, here, I got you this.

1021. - Thanks. - Mm-hm.

1022. - Stuffed grape leaves? - Yeah, and some gyros.

1023. Gyros. However the hell you say it. Heh, heh.

1024. - Frankinopoulos. You're Greek, right? - My ex-husband is.

1025. Right. Right.

1026. So ...

1027. How are you, Fred?

1028. - Are you okay? - I don't wanna get into all the details...

1029. but my wife gave me this one time deal where I get to be with another woman.

1030. - Really? - Yeah.

1031. Not bad, right?

1032. Wait a second.

1033. Is that why you're here?

1034. Well, if that's what you're getting at I'm not gonna say no.

1035. What are you, an asshole?

1036. Hey, don't go shooting the messenger now.

1037. You come over here out of the blue with a bag of garbage.

1038. - You're welcome. - And you think I'm gonna fuck you...

1039. because of some bullshit agreement you had with your wife?

1040. You know what? Screw you, Fred.

1041. What the hell just happened?

1042. Yeah!

1043. Go, go, go!

1044. Yeah!

1045. - Hi. - Hi. Can I take your order?

1046. I'm not quite sure what I'm gonna get.

1047. Um, hmm.

1048. Hoo. Um ...

1049. So just tell me today

1050. Um, hey, man, do you mind if she takes my order?

1051. Why?

1052. Well, just ... You know, because ...

1053. Because she's—

1054. She's taken my order before and it's—

1055. I'm thinking she'll remember it, and it gets a little bit complicated...

1056. so I'm thinking it could speed up the process.

1057. You know, if it's not a big deal.

1058. Little help. Leigh?

1059. Your unique barista skills have been requested.

1060. Oh, hey.

1061. - Hi. - What can I get you?

1062. Iced coffee, two Splendas.

1063. - That'll be $2. - Nice tunes, by the way.

1064. You guys choose them yourself or they come from Corporate?

1065. It's me. it's Snow Patrol.

1066. Oh, yeah. Good soundtrack. Pretty good movie.

1067. Tell you one thing, Cube Gooding definitely does not belong in the snow, does he?

1068. You're thinking of Snow Dogs, the kiddie flick.

1069. This is Snow Patrol, the band.

1070. Thank you for the tip.

1071. Ahem. I was making a joke.

1072. - No, you weren't. - Yeah, I was.

1073. - You were dead serious. - It was a joke.

1074. One sec.

1075. Hello?

1076. Here you go.

1077. Enjoy your two-Splenda'd iced coffee, mister. Hmm?

1078. Why are you smiling?

1079. You think this is some alligator-infested moat? No one can get over there to you?

1080. You know, this whole kind of I'm-on-the-inside, too-cool-for-school...

1081. let's-make-fun-of the-dorky-suburban-guy.._

1082. because-I'm-safe-on-this-side-of-the counter routine's gonna get you hurt.

1083. Another thing? After you've lost your parents' money...

1084. on your avant-garde piece-of-crap short film, you're gonna need a job.

1085. Guess what. It's guys like me that hire.

1086. Guys like me don't hire punks like you. All right?

1087. So shape up. Good day, sir.

1088. I work out there.

1089. Oh, really? Here?

1090. Yeah, I work out at home but thinking about taking my workouts public.

1091. What do you squat?

1092. Uh, well, I don't really squat. I just run on the hamster wheel after work every day.

1093. Ha, ha. The old hamster wheel. Yeah. I'm on that baby too.

1094. So did you, um, go to Harvard?

1095. Yeah. I went to a party there once.

1096. This is actually Harvard Health Care.

1097. Yeah, I had to go in when I got a bunch of tests done for my life insurance.

1098. For your variable-term life insurance. When you re-up on your death benefit, it—

1099. Not a big deal. This is— Ah.

1100. This thing looks pretty good, though. I like this. "Change your life."

1101. it's a great place.

1102. They've actually got a bar there, so I always grab a beer after my workout.

1103. - A bar? Ha, ha. - it's a good routine.

1104. Ha, ha. That sounds good.

1105. If you decide to join, tell them Leigh sent you and I'll get two free months.

1106. Yeah. Sure thing, Leigh.

1107. Rocking.

1108. R-O-C-K in the U.S.A.

1109. LAUGHS]

1110. Gr whatever they say in Australia.

1111. Oh, I'm sorry. Ch.

1112. Hi. Hello. Hi, Britney.

1113. - Fred. - Hello.

1114. Hey. And hello to Alli—

1115. - Come here. - Anyway.

1116. Mr. Searing? You pick up other day. No more clothes here.

1117. I know. I was just Corning by to let you guys know what a great job you did.

1118. As always. Just the perfect amount of starch.

1119. - Thank you. - Yeah.

1120. Ah. I'm gonna head out.

1121. Got a meeting across town in 'IO minutes, so I should boogie.

1122. - Okay. Mm. - Very nice seeing you.

1123. Hey, if you get a chance, please pound Ed's potato for me.

1124. Okay. Uh, goodbye. Mwah.

1125. Oh, don't do that. That's—

1126. Okay. All right. Bye.

1127. Hi.

1128. You want a massage?

1129. - Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. - You fill out form.

1130. No, no, no. You know, I'd prefer no paper trail.

1131. Fill out form. It policy.

1132. You know what? Um, honestly, I'd prefer not to have anything in print.

1133. - Little man. Scram. - Ha, ha.

1134. How I know what you want if you no fill out form?

1135. I'll just say it to you. I'll just tell you.

1136. - So, what you waiting for'? - Oh. Hey. Heh, heh.

1137. Not very relaxing so far. Um ...

1138. Okay, um, come here.

1139. Can I get a rub-and-tug and finish off with a tea bag, please?

1140. Okay. But must check with manager first.

1141. No.

1142. rub-and-tug... tea bag...

1143. - Um, she misheard. No. - You must fill out form.

1144. I said, rub, no tug.

1145. And the tea bags were— You heat those up.

1146. You dip them in water, heat them up, and put them on pressure—

1147. How do I know more about massage than you guys know about massage?

1148. - That doesn't make sense. - You are so busted.

1149. Sorry. Oh, God.

1150. Okay. Sorry.

1151. - Shake it, shake it, shake it - Like a tambourine

1152. Shake it, shake it, shake it You the one for me

1153. Shake it, shake it, Mama You the one for me

1154. I'm realizing you're the only one That's meant to be

1155. And when I wake up in the morning All I wanna see

1156. ls the sun and it's shining on you Next to me

1157. You got a little broken nail Got a hair out of place

1158. Got a little bit of extra middle Right around the waist

1159. - Shake it, shake it, shake it - Like a tambourine

1160. Shake it, shake it, shake it You the one for me

1161. Leigh?

1162. Hey, girl.

1163. An right!

1164. Hey, Clyde. This is my friend ...

1165. - Rick. - Rick.

1166. He'd like to join.

1167. Great.

1168. - I'll get you signed right up. - Okay.

1169. - All right. I'll see you later on. - Yeah.

1170. Oh, Leigh, are you gonna grab a brew-ski after your workout?

1171. No.

1172. Gonna grab two.

1173. Meet me down here in about one hour sharp.

1174. Yeah. Peace it.

1175. Ah.

1176. Help!

1177. I can't feel my legs!

1178. I can't feel my muscles!

1179. Holy shit!

1180. - Did you faint, sir? - No, I just ...

1181. I think I was in the hot tub too long. I just ...

1182. My body just feels like jelly.

1183. You're gonna be okay. Just take a couple breaths.

1184. Get me some towels.

1185. No, no. Do me a favor. Irish, switch places with this guy.

1186. Why?

1187. - Does this mean you're going steady? - it's not funny.

1188. This poor kid is spending his hard-earned money on me. it's sad.

1189. I mean, it's cute, but it's really sad.

1190. You should be flattered. You're 38 years old and you have college guys chasing you.

1191. He thinks I'm 32.

1192. What? Look, I just— I feel bad if I gave him the wrong impression, you know?

1193. No, you didn't give him the wrong impression.

1194. "Dear Grace, our final game is tonight.

1195. Please meet me at my place afterwards to toast the best summer of my life.

1196. Yours most truly, Gerald Ahem."

1197. Number 11.

1198. Yeah, thanks for piling on.

1199. I mean, I can't accept this.

1200. I'm just gonna have to go set him straight.

1201. You know what I miss the most?

1202. What?

1203. The arch.

1204. - The arch? - Yeah.

1205. You know that moment when you're taking a girl's panties off for the very first time...

1206. and you don't know if she's gonna stop you.

1207. Then she gives that tiny little pelvic arch thrust...

1208. to help you out, let you know you're in the clear.

1209. Smooth sailing.

1210. I miss that.

1211. - That's a nice moment. - Yeah.

1212. We let down the male species, you know that?

1213. Maybe you were right. We should just call it quits...

1214. - ... and just ask the girls to come home. - No!

1215. I want the hall pass, okay?

1216. At first I wasn't sure, but now I want the dream.

1217. I don't even know what the dream is anymore.

1218. I'll tell you what it is.

1219. I wanna remember what it feels like to be with someone...

1220. who really wants to be with me...

1221. out of just pure desire...

1222. not because they have to out of some sense of duty.

1223. You know, all this arch talk's got me craving some Mickey D's.

1224. - Up for it? - Yeah.

1225. Hello?

1226. Yeah. Yeah.

1227. Okay.

1228. All right. See you there.

1229. Who was that?

1230. Ah. That was just an angel from heaven.

1231. Coakley's back in town.

1232. - What? - Yeah.

1233. He wants to hang and he wants to bang.

1234. Waiting for a sign

1235. if I survive, I'll worship the moon

1236. Or something, anything

1237. Push the defrost button on the microwave, boys.

1238. The deep freeze is over.

1239. And they talked

1240. And they danced

1241. Coakley.

1242. Mm.

1243. Okay, boys, you're on the clock now.

1244. What?

1245. You gotta hit them right out of the gate. Half an hour from now you'll be old news.

1246. Oh. Should we go talk with this girl right here?

1247. Don't waste your time, man.

1248. Why?

1249. Workaholic. She'll be out of here in five minutes.

1250. - What are you talking about? - Look at her hand.

1251. Carpal tunnel syndrome.

1252. Even if she stayed, you wouldn't want her.

1253. You get a hand job from her, you need the Jaws of Life to get you out of it.

1254. Yeah, there she goes.

1255. Wow. You're good.

1256. Oh, hey. Hey.

1257. - The tall blond, right here. Yeah. - Hmm.

1258. Forget about it. it's an illusion. She's surrounded by stootfish.

1259. Stootfish?

1260. When an eight surrounds herself with less attractive women...

1261. - ... to make her look like a 10. - What are you talking about? She is a 10.

1262. You make me laugh, Freddie. Come on, try this.

1263. All right.

1264. - What is it? - Now block everything out.

1265. - Tell me what you see. - Wha—?

1266. Uh-huh. Okay, now watch this, man.

1267. Hot.

1268. FRED; Right.

1269. - Not. - Oh, my God.

1270. Hot.

1271. Not.

1272. - Holy shit! - Ha-ha-ha.

1273. That's amazing. You're like A Beautiful Mind.

1274. I can't do well When I think you're gonna leave me

1275. But I know I try

1276. Are you gonna leave me now?

1277. Can't you be believing now?

1278. Hey, Mr. Mills.

1279. Hey! Paige!

1280. I thought you were down at the Cape.

1281. Your in-laws took the kids for the weekend, so I came home early.

1282. - Okay. - I turned 21 today.

1283. I'm legal now.

1284. - Oh, happy birthday. - Thanks.

1285. Yeah. You out celebrating?

1286. Yeah, my cousin got me and my aunt on the VIP list.

1287. That's my Aunt Meg over there.

1288. She's 45 years old and she still parties like she's my age.

1289. - Whoo! - Wow.

1290. So, Rick, how's the week off from marriage going?

1291. You don't mind if I call you Rick? I am officially an adult now.

1292. No, sure. But what did you just say?

1293. I was asking you about that hall-pass thing. I babysat for the Putneys last night.

1294. I heard Mr. Putney talking about it.

1295. Gary was talk— Who was he talking about it to?

1296. - Just everyone at the barbecue. - What?

1297. Oh, I don't think he meant it in a bad way.

1298. I actually think it's cool of you to be staying at the Comfy Nite Inn...

1299. instead of bringing girls back to your home with the kids' pictures all taped up.

1300. Thank you.

1301. - What can I get you? - Can I get three tequila shots, please?

1302. By the way, I think that I owe you an apology.

1303. Last week when you drove me home, I shouldn't have snapped at you like that.

1304. No, no, no. Don't be ridiculous. It was just a misunderstanding.

1305. No, it wasn't.

1306. If you thought that I was kind of coming on to you...

1307. it's probably because I kind of was.

1308. - Fifty-seven bucks. - What? Are you kidding me? That—

1309. That seems a little stiff.

1310. They're just kids in here. I don't see how they afford these prices.

1311. - Paige, I better get going. - What? Where are you going?

1312. Paige, you're my kids' babysitter. Have a happy birthday.

1313. But my Aunt Meg wants to meet you.

1314. - All right. - Yeah! Getting wasted.

1315. - Whoo! Mm. - The spirits doth floweth.

1316. - Aah! - Yeah! Ha, ha.

1317. That girl over there is looking at you.

1318. Which one? What? The one that looks like Chief from Cuckoo's Nest?

1319. No, no, man. The one sitting next to her.

1320. Oh, yeah.

1321. She's very vulnerable. She just quit cigarettes.

1322. How do you know?

1323. Because she can't take her eyes off the smokers over there.

1324. How do you know those aren't her friends?

1325. - Come on, Coakley, give me a break. - Well, that might be plausible...

1326. if her lips weren't shaking...

1327. and her fingernails weren't chewed down to the nub.

1328. And that bag, man. That's a little big to be bringing into a club.

1329. Unless she needs room for a $5 foot-long.

1330. - So you got a woman who quit smoking. - Right.

1331. She's tense, she's hungry.

1332. And it all adds up to what?

1333. That woman needs something in her mouth.

1334. Aah, that's my boy! Let's go!

1335. - Now? - Right now, man. The universe is calling.

1336. - I don't know if we need to go now. - Come on.

1337. Walking on a dream

1338. How can I explain?

1339. Talking to myself

1340. Will I see again?

1341. We are always running for the thrill of it Thrill of it

1342. Always pushing up the hill Searching for the thrill of it

1343. On and on and on We are calling out

1344. How late's this bitch staying open tonight?

1345. Ick.

1346. Is it real now

1347. When two people become one?

1348. I can feel it

1349. When two people become one

1350. Is it real now

1351. When two people become one?

1352. I can feel it

1353. Hey, girl.

1354. Hey.

1355. What are you doing here?

1356. Just chilling.

1357. Yeah, me too.

1358. Just chilling and wiggling.

1359. What happened to you yesterday? Thought we were gonna get a beer.

1360. Yeah. Uh ...

1361. I got caught up in my reps and my curls and shit and just lost track of time.

1362. So is this, like, your playground? It seems like great energy in here.

1363. No, I've actually never been here before.

1364. A friend of mine's DJ'ing, so I promised him I'd come.

1365. Calling out and out again

1366. Never looking down

1367. So is this guy like your boyfriend or something?

1368. No, no, no.

1369. Well, we messed around once, but just a little.

1370. And by a little you mean—?

1371. Anal.

1372. Okay. Yeah.

1373. I'm joking.

1374. - Oh. Ha, ha. - Ha, ha.

1375. He kissed me one night. Kissed him back. It was a big mistake.

1376. So, what's with the ring?

1377. Yeah, I—

1378. You ever heard of a hall pass?

1379. All right, it's about time I take the governor off this beyotch!

1380. It was those tall skinny guys and they were all over my yard.

1381. But here's the weird thing. I wasn't even afraid of them at all.

1382. And when they asked me if I wanted to go with them, I said, "Sure."

1383. And I walked right in.

1384. Oh, my God. You are so brave.

1385. I would never climb into one of those things.

1386. Fred, would you ever just walk into a UFO on your own?

1387. I would if one came right now, sure.

1388. Wow, so you're married?

1389. Yeah. It wasn't like I was trying to hide it. I mean, you know.

1390. No, I just thought your wife might've died and you're wearing it out of respect.

1391. Oh, no. No, she's still hanging in there.

1392. Hey, you okay? You keep checking your pulse.

1393. Yeah. I just— I got a little chest cramp, but I'm working through it.

1394. Ouch.

1395. - Yeah. - Heartburn?

1396. No, it feels more like excessive plaque build-up in the arteries.

1397. Hi, Maggie. This is Isabel.

1398. I went to clean the house today, but nobody has been there...

1399. or slept in any of the beds this week...

1400. so I just cleaned the windows and left early.

1401. I hope you don't mind. Bye.

1402. Hey.

1403. What are you doing here?

1404. I thought you might wanna help me celebrate the end of the season.

1405. Oh, um ...

1406. Uh, brought some good late-night eats.

1407. Yeah. Yeah, come on in.

1408. - Come on. You gotta go. - No.

1409. Come on. Can I go?

1410. LAUGHS]

1411. What are you doing, man? Come on.

1412. You found your dream girl, now take her back to the hotel and take care of business.

1413. We don't have much in common. I can't even talk to her.

1414. Talk to her? Fred, now what do you want, a pen pal or a poon pal?

1415. I only got one shot at this, all right?

1416. I think I can do better.

1417. Every loser in Vegas thinks they can do better.

1418. You know what winners do? They walk away from the table while they're up.

1419. Licky like a sexy ear

1420. Lick here

1421. L-l licky C-K licky Y licky C-K licky Y

1422. Why? Because I am a /icky-/icky guy

1423. Yeah!

1424. I licky /-C /icky K-Y

1425. I'm just a /icky girl

1426. How do I know if she'll come home with me?

1427. Oh, she'll Come home with you. She's wearing a thong, man.

1428. How do you know that?

1429. I did a crawl-by.

1430. Coakley.

1431. Licky my sticky

1432. Fuck it. Okay, here.

1433. Give those to Rick. I'm gonna take a cab back to the hotel. Oh.

1434. - Freddie. - What?

1435. It has been an honor to watch you grow up.

1436. All right.

1437. Licky like a tangerine

1438. Thirteen hundred dollars? For two bottles of booze?

1439. Guys, it was an accident. I'm not paying that.

1440. - Yes, you are. - No, l— Look, how about—

1441. How about I replace them. First thing tomorrow morning...

1442. I bring you four new bottles. Not two, four...

1443. and a couple of breakfast burritos for the big dog here. That's a good deal.

1444. - How about you pay now. - No. Guys ...

1445. We're taking the party back to my house. Bring a girl or don't come, man.

1446. What?

1447. Okay, now don't even think about putting e tip on there.

1448. Hey. There's my girl.

1449. Come on in. I'm just mixing up some margaritas.

1450. We lost our final game today, but I went yard.

1451. Oh, that's good.

1452. So, um, where is everybody?

1453. They all went out to some party. Come on in.

1454. Gerry, I can't stay.

1455. What?

1456. Is everything okay?

1457. Yeah. No, everything's fine.

1458. Look, um, I really can't accept this.

1459. Why not?

1460. Because I'm a married woman, Gerry, you know that.

1461. Oh. Um ...

1462. Look, I'm really sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable, Grace.

1463. It's just...

1464. I really like you.

1465. I like you too, Gerry.

1466. And, no, you didn't make me feel uncomfortable.

1467. The mystery zone

1468. All right

1469. Wait, are you serious?

1470. You might have appendicitis?

1471. My stomach's rumbling and I'm having these shooting pains.

1472. I should take you to the hospital.

1473. No, I'll be all right. it's probably just this stupid patch.

1474. I mean, I quit smoking and—

1475. It's just— I think I'm allergic to it, and it makes me all queasy and—

1476. - Oh. - Plus, I had a bunch of drinks at the club.

1477. Well, are you gonna throw up?

1478. Oh. No, I can't.

1479. Ooh, here. Here. Here. Just take this just in case.

1480. No, I'm one of those people who can never throw up.

1481. I wish I could throw up. I know it would help.

1482. Oh. Wow.

1483. You know what? I think I feel a little better.

1484. That sneeze helped.

1485. Take her wherever she wants to go. Here you are.

1486. But I never got your number!

1487. - Can I help you? - You must be Rick.

1488. Go on.

1489. Hi, my name's Meg. Paige's aunt.

1490. I guess I still have a lot to get out of my system...

1491. before I do the whole marriage trip, you know?

1492. I'm one of those people that wants to try everything once.

1493. And the good things twice.

1494. Oh, like swim with the dolphins.

1495. - Yeah. I'd love to meet the Dalai Lama. - Mm. Sure.

1496. - Bungee jump. - Oh, I've already done that.

1497. - Skydiving. - Skinny-dip in the Indian Ocean.

1498. - Sleep with a married guy. Ha, ha. - Ha, ha.

1499. I just mean if that was one of the things on the old bucket list...

1500. I could help you cross that off. To sleep with a married guy.

1501. Ahem. What'd you say, the Indian Ocean?

1502. - I don't wanna be a home wrecker, Rick. - No, no, no.

1503. That's what I'm saying. I've got a pass.

1504. You could do this with a clear conscience. I'm not trying to sell you on it.

1505. Those are the facts of the situation.

1506. it's getting a little loud in here. Is there somewhere a bit more quiet we could go?

1507. Coakley's game room upstairs. it's soundless.

1508. - it's like space. - Leigh!

1509. - Leigh. - Oh, this fucking guy.

1510. Brent, what are you doing here?

1511. The old dude invited me. He invited the entire club.

1512. You knew how important tonight was!

1513. My whole family was there! And they don't come to anything!

1514. The fuck you looking at?

1515. Everyone came tonight and they stayed, except for you!

1516. That's not respectful!

1517. Okay, just calm down.

1518. No! I would like to speak to you alone. Alone.

1519. I'll just be a second.

1520. - Ahem. Uh, hey. - Oh, hey.

1521. Uh, sorry about being a little, you know, quick on the trigger there. It's just, uh ...

1522. You know, you're so hot I couldn't help myself.

1523. Oh ...

1524. it's fine.

1525. Is, uh, everything okay?

1526. Yeah. Yeah.

1527. Uh ... No, everything's not okay.

1528. Um ...

1529. Look, you're a great guy, Gerry.

1530. But what just happened here ...

1531. Yeah, that can never happen again.

1532. Okay?

1533. Ch.

1534. I mean, I know it's kind of hard to understand after ...

1535. But, um, I really love my husband.

1536. And in reality, you and me, here...

1537. this could never be more than what it just was.

1538. Yeah. I know that.

1539. You do?

1540. Well, yeah.

1541. Yeah, no. I mean, jeez, um ...

1542. Look, no offense or anything, but let's face it. You're a lot older than me.

1543. By - No, I don't mean that in a bad way.

1544. It's just, you know, I didn't think we were gonna start dating or anything, you know?

1545. Jeez, can you imagine, like, the looks that we would get?

1546. It'd be like Hugh Hefner and his girlfriends.

1547. - Ha, ha. You'd be Hef. - Yeah, I got that.

1548. - Yeah. - Hmm. Huh.

1549. Um, you know what? I gotta get going. We have a—

1550. We have a team meeting in like 20 minutes. it's a tradition.

1551. It'd probably be really uncool if I didn't—

1552. Yeah, you don't have to explain.

1553. Okay.

1554. Um, well, seriously, though, thanks for everything.

1555. - You're awesome at sex. - Oh.

1556. I'm sure there's an explanation for why he hasn't slept in your bed.

1557. You know, maybe he took a trip somewhere.

1558. No. He can't. He has two houses closing escrow this week. He has to be in town.

1559. Maybe he has been home, but he can't stand sleeping in your bed without you...

1560. so he's been racking on the couch and, you know...

1561. banging all the women there.

1562. LAUGHS]

1563. Here, open. Oh.

1564. You—

1565. - Not bad, huh? - All right. Yeah. Ha-ha-ha.

1566. Um, I wonder what's keeping Grace.

1567. She went over there to break the kid's heart.

1568. The least she could do is lend a sympathetic ear.

1569. - Cheers. - Cheers.

1570. I hope you don't mind me tracking you down.

1571. Paige told me where you were staying.

1572. Please. No, not at all. No. it's good to have company.

1573. You've been very sweet to her.

1574. Well, you know, she's a good kid. She's a good kid and I do what I can for the kids.

1575. She told me everything and I have to admit, I was very impressed.

1576. Hmm?

1577. I mean, I know she came on to you twice, and that both times you set her straight.

1578. She came on to me?

1579. Rick, enough with the chivalry.

1580. I mean, come on. Paige has a crush on you and you didn't take advantage of her.

1581. I'm just saying, that is very cool.

1582. Especially since you have your wife's permission now.

1583. Yeah.

1584. I like that, Rick.

1585. You have morals.

1586. Yeah.

1587. Well, all you have in this world is your word.

1588. Mm.

1589. Quiet little voices

1590. Creep into my head I'm young again

1591. I'm young again, I'm young again I'm young again

1592. Quiet little monsters

1593. Creep inside my bedroom well

1594. I 'll fall for you, I 'll fall for you I 'll fall for you

1595. Quiet words of wisdom

1596. Creep into your victim's ears

1597. I'll die for you, I'll die for you I 'll die for you

1598. - I love that picture. - Yeah. Yeah.

1599. - Yeah. That was a great day, man. - It was.

1600. Everybody had a great time at that wedding.

1601. I mean everybody.

1602. You know, I went balls deep in one of the bridesmaids.

1603. Yeah, I remember.

1604. She was a really pretty girl with these big old floppy tits. Boom.

1605. Hello? Bluh. Ha, ha.

1606. You— What was her name, man?

1607. - Jenny. Yeah. - Jenny.

1608. My sister, Jenny.

1609. Nice girl. Really sweet.

1610. - And how's she doing? - Good.

1611. Oh, great, man, great.

1612. - Still married. - Oh, is she? Great. I'm glad it worked out.

1613. Seemed like they were having problems, you know?

1614. - Hey. - Hey.

1615. There you are.

1616. Uh, yeah. I was thinking that you were gone.

1617. No. I told you, I just had to talk him off the ledge.

1618. I sent him home. He's fine now.

1619. - Ha, ha. - You picked somewhere nice and quiet.

1620. Yeah. Yeah, it is, uh, quiet in here.

1621. You know, in fact, it's so quiet I kind of just— I kind of hit a wall.

1622. Yeah, I was— I'm gonna split.

1623. Really? Are you—? You okay?

1624. Yeah. No, I feel good.

1625. I got a little tickle in my ear that I get in the summer from mold spores that—

1626. You gotta be careful because they'll come into your throat. But no, no, I got ...

1627. I have commitments.

1628. Wow.

1629. Hey, relax.

1630. Try not to think so much.

1631. You have your wife for the rest of your life.

1632. Tonight, you can have me.

1633. So I drink again

1634. Oh, oh And I play the game

1635. Oh, oh Like I did yesterday

1636. Uh, you know what? I'm sorry.

1637. I can't do this. I can't do this, I'm sorry.

1638. Your wife didn't give you a permission slip, did she?

1639. No, no, she did.

1640. Look, you are insanely beautiful and sexy...

1641. and every cell in my body is angry at me right now.

1642. I've got, like, a mutiny on my hands.

1643. I feel like I'm vibrating. Like ...

1644. But you see this area?

1645. This spot right here.

1646. The first time I ever slept with Maggie back in college, she fell asleep right here...

1647. and she left, like, a little pool of drool...

1648. but it didn't really bother me. it actually felt good.

1649. And I thought, "l wanna marry this girl."

1650. And then I did. It was, like, a long shot.

1651. And miraculously, it came through.

1652. And then we had kids. Emma, Gunnar and Mac.

1653. And that's their spot. When they're brand-new they'd sleep right here.

1654. When it'd be 4 in the morning you'd be holding their head...

1655. because their little necks don't have— They're just kind of like—

1656. And it's where we first got to know each other.

1657. And it doesn't matter how beautiful you are ...

1658. I gotta go home.

1659. I wanna go home.

1660. Well, uh, you definitely have a screw loose.

1661. And you're probably going to regret this for the rest of your life...

1662. but, uh, you know what?

1663. You're a good guy.

1664. Um, do you need a ride home?

1665. No. it's only 2:30. I'm gonna go back in the party.

1666. Okay.

1667. Peace it.

1668. R-O-C-K in the U.S.A.

1669. LAUGHS]

1670. Hello?

1671. Hello?

1672. - Is this Fred Searing? - No.

1673. This is Trooper Frioli of the Massachusetts State Police.

1674. No, it's a friend of his. I just picked up his phone. Is everything okay?

1675. Yes, Rick. More tongue.

1676. Oh, God.

1677. Oh, yeah.

1678. More tongue. More tongue.

1679. There he is. Hey.

1680. What are you doing here?

1681. What do you think? I'm looking for my aunt.

1682. Your aunt's staying here?

1683. I know you and her are hooking up.

1684. What? Paige, I have no idea what you're talking about.

1685. This is really bad timing. I gotta get going.

1686. Look, I saw her car in the parking lot. I know she's here.

1687. Okay, Paige. Enough, please.

1688. Just because your wife isn't faithful to you...

1689. doesn't mean you have to go around screwing my family.

1690. What?

1691. Wow.

1692. I guess somebody doesn't know about the baseball coach.

1693. Do the alphabet, Rick! Aah!

1694. Fred, I need to talk to you.

1695. Fred? I thought you were Rick.

1696. No, I'm Rick.

1697. - What? - Please don't judge me.

1698. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What did they say? Is Grace gonna be okay?

1699. They said she was in a oar accident and they took her to the hospital.

1700. They wouldn't say any more because I'm not you.

1701. - All right. Calm down. - This is my fault.

1702. God is punishing me because I'm the worst husband in the world.

1703. No, you're not. Come on, come on.

1704. Yes, I am. I've been bad, Rick. I've been real bad.

1705. - We've both been bad. - I kissed your babysitter's aunt.

1706. That's not so bad.

1707. - On the vagina. - Ooh.

1708. - Oh! - Whoa.

1709. - No, no! No. Ooh. - Hey! Oh!

1710. Hey, what the hell?

1711. No, no! No!

1712. How do you like me now, Splenda boy?

1713. Moron, this is my car!

1714. - Oh. This is your car? - Yes!

1715. I'm sorry, I had no idea.

1716. Hey! Hey!

1717. You think I give a shit, pudge boy?

1718. Why am I pudge boy?

1719. Take it easy, okay? Relax.

1720. No! You take it easy!

1721. You think that you can come into my club...

1722. take my girl and then get away with it?

1723. No. Not tonight, buddy.

1724. But why would you even try to have sex with the right Rick? He was mine.

1725. - Ugh. - Fuck, no!

1726. You're not gonna get away with it!

1727. - Never! Ever! - Hey! Hey!

1728. Brent?

1729. Mother?

1730. - What are you doing here? - Wait, wait, wait. Aunt Meg is your mom?

1731. How does he know your name?

1732. - Well— Kind of— - We— Sort of—

1733. What? No. No, no, no.

1734. No.

1735. No. Are you telling me...

1736. that this 40-hour-week motherfucking soccer dad took my girl...

1737. and this flabby asshole...

1738. my mother?

1739. No, no, no! I didn't have sex with your mom.

1740. - All I did was fake-chow her. All right? - it's true.

1741. - That's it. You two are dead men. - Whoa! He's got a gun!

1742. - No! - What?

1743. - Where did you get that? - Grandpa's closet!

1744. No! Brent!

1745. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

1746. Go, go, go.

1747. Go, go, go. Get down.

1748. Am I scaring you, asshole?

1749. Do you have a shot count?

1750. - A shot count? - Yeah!

1751. No, I didn't get a fucking shot count.

1752. Come here.

1753. Huh? PAIGE & MEG Aah!

1754. Shooter down. Let's roll!

1755. - Go, go. Punch it. Punch it. - I'm going.

1756. - Get off me, Mom. - Brent, stop it.

1757. Oh, hell, no!

1758. What the hell was that?

1759. Go, go. Drive.

1760. - He's coming through the back. - What's up, assholes?

1761. Swerve! Swerve! Swerve!

1762. Okay. No, no. He's gone. Drive. Drive. You shook him.

1763. I don't believe this. Maggie's having an affair.

1764. What?

1765. Well, you didn't give him a free pass for nothing.

1766. So come on. Just be honest. What were you trying to accomplish?

1767. I don't know.

1768. I just felt like...

1769. he wasn't noticing me anymore.

1770. And I wanted to feel wanted again.

1771. And the truth is, I never really thought he'd go through with it.

1772. Oh, my God.

1773. What?

1774. This hall pass.

1775. It was never for him.

1776. It was for me.

1777. I got a hall pass. Why shouldn't she?

1778. She's a beautiful woman.

1779. What guy isn't gonna wanna be with a beautiful woman...

1780. whose husband decides he's gonna take a week off?

1781. Come on! What kind of hospital doesn't have a live operator?

1782. Fred! Fred, it's 4 a.m.

1783. Uh-huh. And uh-huh.

1784. Huh. There's something you don't see a lot.

1785. I took her for granted. I took Maggie for granted. Yeah.

1786. I feel like I'm gonna throw up, man.

1787. Oh, great.

1788. - Okay, pull over, man. - No way. I can outrun them.

1789. No, you can't! Not in this thing.

1790. Watch me.

1791. - Okay, now we got two of them. - I don't care!

1792. - I'm not stopping till I get to Grace. - Are you crazy?

1793. Yeah, I'm crazy!

1794. I'm crazy about my wife!

1795. What is happening?

1796. Aah! Brent, that hurts!

1797. - Hey! - What are you doing, man?

1798. Hear me out, gentlemen. I can explain every— Uh. Uh.

1799. Hold it!

1800. Aah! Aah! NO!

1801. No, no. Okay, okay! Aah.

1802. Oh, God. Grace needs me!

1803. - Take it easy, buddy. - I won't take it easy!

1804. Okay, look. I did not stop because there's a lunatic out there trying to kill us!

1805. And my wife's been in an accident, and I need to see if she's okay!

1806. Because that woman is my life!

1807. Is he the husband of Grace Searing?

1808. Yes! Yes, I am. Is she okay?

1809. Please. Please, tell me she's gonna be okay.

1810. She's having difficulty breathing.

1811. Oh, my God.

1812. Is she gonna live?

1813. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. She's fine. She just broke her nose.

1814. We had to stuff some gauze up there.

1815. She's gonna be a mouth breather for about a week.

1816. But, all in all, I would say you're a very lucky guy.

1817. Bless you, doctor.

1818. I'll fucking kill you! Come here!

1819. We didn't know what was going on because he came in through the window.

1820. That had been knocked out earlier...

1821. back when he fired the holes in there.

1822. Rick! Rick! She's gonna be okay!

1823. - She's okay? - She's all right.

1824. Hey, Anderson...

1825. these guys are clean.

1826. That lunatic was attacking them before he punched Officer Leska.

1827. Anyway, he's in bracelets.

1828. Well, I guess you're off the hook.

1829. Thank you.

1830. Can you believe it? I get a second chance.

1831. Fred, go in there and take care of that woman. You're lucky to have her.

1832. Okay. All right, thank you.

1833. Put her on a pedestal. The biggest one you can find.

1834. Oh, wait! Rick, Rick, Rick. Good luck with Mags.

1835. Oh, God.

1836. Oh, my God!

1837. Oh, God.

1838. Oh, my God. You poor thing.

1839. Um, hold on an second. Rick just walked in.

1840. Grace has been in a car accident.

1841. Yeah, I know. She's okay, though.

1842. Fred's over there.

1843. Oh. So they're letting you go?

1844. Okay.

1845. You're headed here. Great.

1846. All right, I love you too.

1847. God, she scared me to death.

1848. Yeah.

1849. Hi.

1850. So, what are you doing here?

1851. March 25th, 1989.

1852. What?

1853. That's the day I lost my virginity. March 25th, 1989.

1854. Approximately 10:30 p.m.

1855. What are you talking about? We were dating then.

1856. I know. You were my first.

1857. And you were my last.

1858. And you've been everything in between.

1859. Really?

1860. Really.

1861. Is that why you were crying that night?

1862. I wasn't crying, I don't think.

1863. And I was—?

1864. I was your last?

1865. You're my only.

1866. Forever.

1867. Whose car is that out front?

1868. Oh, it's a friend of my dad. Baseball player.

1869. He came over last night. Drank some wine.

1870. He got a little frisky, so I sent him home in a cab.

1871. Define frisky.

1872. Oh, don't worry. You were my last too.

1873. But I can't say you were my first.

1874. You know, words really do hurt.

1875. So I mean, what were you doing driving around at 1 in the morning?

1876. No, I was just, um, upset about things...

1877. and I wasn't paying any attention, and I think I must have hit some sand...

1878. and the next thing you know, I'm running into a pole.

1879. Grace.

1880. I'm so sorry.

1881. - For what? - For what?

1882. For putting you through all this.

1883. Hey, I love you.

1884. I love you too, Fred.

1885. It's not your fault.

1886. - Yes, it is. - No.

1887. This is all my fault. I'm the one that caused all of this.

1888. - Every single bit of this. - "Horny old man"?

1889. No. No, that's not me. No, that was intended for Rick.

1890. - Oh. - Yeah. Yeah.

1891. We need to talk about what happened this week.

1892. Oh, Grace, no, no. Come on, do we really have to?

1893. We really, really do.

1894. Okay, look. Look, whatever happened this week doesn't matter. Okay?

1895. Because I love you and only you.

1896. And I am gonna treat you like the queen that you are for the rest of your days.

1897. Okay? I'm gonna quit fantasy football this year.

1898. Even though I have the first pick. And we can do that Master Cleanse thing...

1899. with the cayenne pepper and all that shit. You will never have to shovel snow again.

1900. I'll do it, okay? Tennis elbow be damned. I will do it.

1901. But please, I am begging you...

1902. can we please just never, ever talk about what happened this week?

1903. - Um ... - Please.

1904. Deal. Ha, ha.

1905. - Really? - Yeah.

1906. Thank you.

1907. Oh, thank you.

1908. Oh, my God.

1909. Oh, I love you, Grace.

1910. - I love you too, Fred. - Oh, God.

1911. Does this mean that you will finally come with me to An Evening With Kathy Griffin?

1912. Last night, I fake-chowed a DJ's mom.

1913. Let's talk about Miley Cyrus. Who's got a stripper pole?

1914. Oh, yes.

1915. Fred, that is fantastic.

1916. What's that?

1917. Where did you find the Kathy Griffin look-alike?

1918. Oh, no. No, that is Kathy Griffin.

1919. The Teen Awards, where she went down there.

1920. And then the dads in the audience, they're all clapping.

1921. Really?

1922. Better be. Cost me 275 bucks to get her here.

1923. Plus bus fare.

1924. Kathy Griffin's a delight, isn't she?

1925. I've never seen them look happier.

1926. - Who's that, dear? - Maggie and Grace.

1927. You know, I've been wondering if maybe I should give you a hall pass.

1928. That was amazing.

1929. Thank you. It's nice finally to meet a woman who's not obsessed with penis size.

1930. I appreciate that.

1931. - What the fuck is this? - My husband!

1932. Why are you with my wife?

1933. - I've got hall pass. I have a hall pass. - He's got a gun!

1934. Aah!

1935. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What if the cops question me?

1936. I'm weak.

1937. Excuse me? Have you seen my granddaughter?

1938. Dude, up here.

1939. That was fucking awesome. We saw the whole thing.

1940. This is racial profiling! I wanna speak to a barrister!

1941. So, what do you think?

1942. Yeah. We'll give it a whirl. Why not?

1943. Tonight's the night we'll make history

1944. Honey, you and I

1945. 'Cause I 'll take any risk

1946. To tie back the hands of time

1947. And stay with you here tonight

1948. Huh?

1949. Excuse me.

1950. What are you doing?

1951. It's not what you think. I swear.

1952. I was just giving him a faux job.

1953. Yeah. A what?

1954. A faux job.

1955. When you go south on a guy, but you don't use your mouth...

1956. you use your hands instead, and then you make loud slurping noises.

1957. Hmm.

1958. Okay. Have en good night.

1959. - Thank you. Bye-bye. - Yeah. Night.

1960. - They're nice, yeah? - Yep.

1961. Yeah, you're out of breath, Stephen.

1962. And, action.

1963. Fucking hell.

1964. Wow.

1965. Wow.

1966. Good job, dude.

1967. All right, well, good luck finishing your movie.

1968. I gotta change my drawers.