1. Mr. Gustafson, I have to talk to you.Copy !req
2. Mr. Gustafson, will you answer
the door, please?Copy !req
3. I know you're in there.Copy !req
4. It's no use pretending
this isn't happening, Mr. Gustafson.Copy !req
5. I can't keep coming back here
every couple of days.Copy !req
6. You have to talk to me.Copy !req
7. Mr. Gustafson, I'm just trying to help you.Copy !req
8. Come on, answer the door.Copy !req
9. I'm just gonna keep knocking.Copy !req
10. I'm gonna keep ringing the bell,
so you might as well answer the door.Copy !req
11. We know you're in there.Copy !req
12. Think of the neighbors, Mr. Gustafson.Copy !req
13. There's a letter for you,
Mr. Gustafson.Copy !req
14. I suggest you read it.Copy !req
15. - Morning, dickhead.
- Hello, moron.Copy !req
16. What are you, uh...Copy !req
17. Never mind. Just forget it.Copy !req
18. - Who's the guy yakking at your door?
- Mind your own business.Copy !req
19. "Mind your own business."Copy !req
20. - Tie your shoelace. You'll fall.
- Aw, shut up.Copy !req
21. We're having a heat wave here.Copy !req
22. Somebody moving
into the old Clickner place.Copy !req
23. - Gee, you picked up on that, Sherlock.
Excuse me.Copy !req
24. I wonder if you gentlemen
could tell me...Copy !req
25. uh, where I could find Mr. Gustafson?Copy !req
26. No. Gustafson? No, no, sorry.Copy !req
27. - Mr. John Gustafson?
- That's right.Copy !req
28. You mean the lowlife, ass-wipe...Copy !req
29. egg-sucker John Gustafson?
- Oh.Copy !req
30. Have you seen him?Copy !req
31. Man's crazy. Loco.Copy !req
32. Always hanging out around
those kinky strip bars.Copy !req
33. - What?
- Where men take their clothes off.Copy !req
34. Oh, for God's sake.Copy !req
35. That's, of course,
if he's taken his medication.Copy !req
36. Medication?Copy !req
37. Yes. Without it,
he could be anywhere.Copy !req
38. Wandering around, talking to the trees.Copy !req
39. Believe me, this man is a menace.
He's always drinking, starting fights.Copy !req
40. Isn't that right?Copy !req
41. - But have you seen him?
- No, sorry.Copy !req
42. I think, perhaps...Copy !req
43. Um, no.Copy !req
44. - No. No.
- No.Copy !req
45. If you see him...Copy !req
46. would you give him this
and tell him he must contact...Copy !req
47. Mr. Snyder as soon as possible.
- Yes. Uh-huh. Okay.Copy !req
48. - Schneider.
- Snyder.Copy !req
49. That's me. It's important.Copy !req
50. Important? Yes, sir.
We'll tell him when we see him.Copy !req
51. - Oops.
- Oh, look out!Copy !req
52. Watch out for that ice there.Copy !req
53. Slippery. Very slippery.Copy !req
54. Right.Copy !req
55. Holy moly.Copy !req
56. Jesus.Copy !req
57. A men's strip joint?Copy !req
58. Idiot.Copy !req
59. Thirty days.Copy !req
60. That's just great.Copy !req
61. Remington MicroScreen
Rechargeable Shaver so much...Copy !req
62. I bought the company.Copy !req
63. It shaves as close as a blade,
or I'll give you your money back.Copy !req
64. The first microscreen is so thin
it shaves incredibly close.Copy !req
65. The second even closer.
Remington's American...Copy !req
66. You should have seen Mrs. Carlson's face
when he said, "It's a keeper."Copy !req
67. Oh, cold enough for you? Brr!Copy !req
68. Oh, shut up, fat-ass.Copy !req
69. It's not even Thanksgiving, and here
we are enjoying our lovely fall weather.Copy !req
70. Six inches of snow
on the ground already...Copy !req
71. with traveler's advisories
in effect throughout our area tonight...Copy !req
72. you'd be advised to stay inside
and have yourself...Copy !req
73. a warm, home-cooked meal.Copy !req
74. How'd you like a clue
for what's coming up this week?Copy !req
75. It's snow, snow, and more snow.Copy !req
76. We've got snow coming into
our area all week long.Copy !req
77. Come Sunday afternoon,
another cold front...Copy !req
78. What the hell?Copy !req
79. Holy moly.Copy !req
80. Oh, my God.Copy !req
81. Got it.
There we are.Copy !req
82. This up front?
Yeah.Copy !req
83. You're still using
that beat-up piece of firewood?Copy !req
84. The Green Hornet's caught more fish
than you've lied about, Gustafson.Copy !req
85. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
86. - You see her?
- Huh?Copy !req
87. Drives pretty fast on that snowmobile.Copy !req
88. - Pretty damn fast.
- Yeah.Copy !req
89. Did you hear about Eddie Hicks?Copy !req
90. Hypothermia's a bitch.Copy !req
91. Not quick like a stroke.Copy !req
92. A stroke is no damn good.
You could end up like a vegetable.Copy !req
93. Give me a cardiac any day.Copy !req
94. You know what Jacob said?Copy !req
95. Jacob said that old Billy Hinshel
was killed in a car crash.Copy !req
96. Head-on collision with a freight truck.Copy !req
97. Cleared his car straight over the bridge
into the Mississippi.Copy !req
98. Lucky bastard.Copy !req
99. You bet.Copy !req
100. Hey, how is he anyway?Copy !req
101. He's dead. Died on impact.Copy !req
102. Jacob, moron. Jacob.Copy !req
103. Oh, ah, he's fine.Copy !req
104. Doing real good. Real busy and everything.Copy !req
105. But he promised to come over
for Thanksgiving.Copy !req
106. Is he really gonna run for mayor?Copy !req
107. - Make a damn fine mayor, too.
- Good thing he's his mother's son.Copy !req
108. If he looked like you,
he'd never get on the ballot.Copy !req
109. Eat my shorts.Copy !req
110. Morning, Mrs. Truax.
Morning, how you doing?Copy !req
111. Holy moly.Copy !req
112. Watch your step, ma'am.
Thank you.Copy !req
113. Jesus Quincy Adams.Copy !req
114. - Ha, ha.
Hmm...Copy !req
115. I hit the cans again.Copy !req
116. I heard.Copy !req
117. How is the Grinch today?Copy !req
118. Ain't got a pot to piss in
or a window to throw it out of.Copy !req
119. Ha, ha. Can I get you something?Copy !req
120. Yeah, I need a six-pack of Schmidt
and I'm out of bait.Copy !req
121. - Shiners or wax worms?
- I can't afford shiners. Give me wax worms.Copy !req
122. Wax worms are 75 cents.Copy !req
123. 75 cents? Crime in Italy. Chuck,
we're talking about worms, not caviar.Copy !req
124. You go through that every time.Copy !req
125. Where are you gonna get worms this
time of year? It's supply and demand.Copy !req
126. You could retire in Florida
just from selling me worms.Copy !req
127. - And throw the beefjerky in too.
- That's $5 for the beer and the worms.Copy !req
128. Now you know your old gut
can't handle no jerky.Copy !req
129. God...Copy !req
130. Hey, is Pop out there at the shanty?Copy !req
131. Always.Copy !req
132. Uh-huh. And the moron?Copy !req
133. There's lots of ice out there, Gustafson.Copy !req
134. Should be room enough
for the both of you.Copy !req
135. "Lots of ice out there, Gustafson."Copy !req
136. Mm-mm-mm.Copy !req
137. - Hi, Dad.
Hi, hi.Copy !req
138. Any luck today?Copy !req
139. How the hell should I know?
I just got here.Copy !req
140. Oh.
- Say, Mel, she came by the other day...Copy !req
141. and said that you'd been snapping.
Oh.Copy !req
142. - Like a damned catfish.
- Well, I've had a lot on my mind lately.Copy !req
143. I'll tell you what's on my mind.Copy !req
144. It's butt-cold out here
and I'm fresh out of beer.Copy !req
145. Oh, did you hear? Someone moved into
the Clickner place. A woman.Copy !req
146. - A woman?
- Yeah.Copy !req
147. - Did you mount her?
- Oh, Dad.Copy !req
148. No, wait a minute.
Has she got big thighs?Copy !req
149. - No.
- No?Copy !req
150. Then what's the problem?Copy !req
151. If I was a young fellow like you,
I'd be mounting...Copy !req
152. every woman in Wabasha.Copy !req
153. Keep the change.Copy !req
154. Hi, Punky.Copy !req
155. Hi, John.Copy !req
156. The Green Hornet strikes again!Copy !req
157. Caught my limit.Copy !req
158. I see you only snagged one, huh?Copy !req
159. Two fish are on there, you bonehead.Copy !req
160. You know damn well
I throw back what I'm not gonna eat.Copy !req
161. Oh, yeah? Like that 40-pound muskie
you're always yakking about.Copy !req
162. It's a shame that nobody ever sees you
with these monsters.Copy !req
163. You're gonna love it, Goldman.Copy !req
164. Go to work, baby.Copy !req
165. Hmm?Copy !req
166. What is it?Copy !req
167. Oh, my God, they've come for me.Copy !req
168. Hi.Copy !req
169. Oh, my God. I, uh...Copy !req
170. You see, I was...Copy !req
171. Hi.Copy !req
172. I hope you don't mind,
but I saw your light on...Copy !req
173. and I was just wondering
if I might use your bathroom.Copy !req
174. What?Copy !req
175. - So, uh, your toilet is broken?
- Oh, no, thank goodness.Copy !req
176. I don't know, the house seemed so empty
tonight. I do so love bathrooms.Copy !req
177. You know, you can tell a lot
about a person from his bathroom.Copy !req
178. - Did you know that?
- No, I didn't know that.Copy !req
179. - There's a guest bath...
- I can't wait to see what I find in there.Copy !req
180. - Much better than having your palm read.
- Well, uh...Copy !req
181. You give me 30 seconds
in a person's bathroom...Copy !req
182. and I will give you a complete
and accurate profile.Copy !req
183. - There's a guest bathroom, please.
- I'll only be a minute.Copy !req
184. Ah. Guest bathroom.Copy !req
185. So?Copy !req
186. Fascinating.Copy !req
187. Uh...Copy !req
188. Now, don't you think it's time
that you finally introduced yourself?Copy !req
189. - Oh, uh...
- John "Goostafson," right?Copy !req
190. - Gustafson.
- Gustafson.Copy !req
191. Well, I took some of your mail yesterday
just to find out who you were.Copy !req
192. But you don't get much and
what you do get doesn't paint a picture.Copy !req
193. - You took my mail. That's a federal offense.
- I know.Copy !req
194. Sometimes it's necessary to go
a long distance out of the way...Copy !req
195. in order to come back
a short distance correctly.Copy !req
196. - Don't you find that too? I love that line.
- What?Copy !req
197. I have to confess it's not mine.
It's from The Zoo Story by Edward Albee.Copy !req
198. I teach American literature
at Winona State University.Copy !req
199. I started yesterday.
Oh, I love the classics, don't you?Copy !req
200. - Yeah. Well, I also read Field & Stream.
- Indeed?Copy !req
201. You have a whole library
up there from what I could see.Copy !req
202. You know, there's something really rugged
and virile about the outdoors, isn't there?Copy !req
203. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
204. Oh.Copy !req
205. My manners. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
206. I'm Ariel Truax.Copy !req
207. How do you do? I'm John G-Gustafson.Copy !req
208. - Yes, I know.
- You know that.Copy !req
209. When did you
move into the Clickner place?Copy !req
210. Oh, I'm sure you know that, John.Copy !req
211. Ever since I got here,
you and Max Goldman...Copy !req
212. have been stuck up against your windows
watching me like two Garfield cats.Copy !req
213. You know, those kind that
people stick to their car windows?Copy !req
214. You know, those little
suction cups they have? It's so...Copy !req
215. Squirrels.Copy !req
216. Been watching the squirrels. One of them's
making a nest under your eaves.Copy !req
217. Sure, John.Copy !req
218. Here's your mail.Copy !req
219. Now, there's nothing addressed
to a Mrs. Gustafson.Copy !req
220. And by the state of your bathroom,
I presume that you're a bachelor.Copy !req
221. Yeah.Copy !req
222. Gay or straight?Copy !req
223. - Huh?
- Heterosexual or homosexual?Copy !req
224. Jeez Louise.Copy !req
225. It's a perfectly legitimate question.Copy !req
226. Well, maybe in California,
but here in Minnesota... Ho-ho.Copy !req
227. Have I upset you?Copy !req
228. No, hey.Copy !req
229. It's the middle of the night
and I don't know what the hell is...Copy !req
230. Would you like me to leave?Copy !req
231. No.Copy !req
232. Yeah.Copy !req
233. Well, it was very nice meeting you,
John Gustafson.Copy !req
234. And now that we know each other,
don't be a stranger, neighbor.Copy !req
235. Oh, and John...Copy !req
236. king's rook to queen's bishop 3.Copy !req
237. Ah.Copy !req
238. Hey, John.Copy !req
239. Phil, wait a minute.
Don't ring that up yet.Copy !req
240. I need something for my lumbago.
The pain is killing me.Copy !req
241. Ah, it's killing you, my ass. He doesn't
know the meaning of the word pain.Copy !req
242. I got a pinched sciatica that makes
your lumbago look like eye strain.Copy !req
243. Pain. He wants to talk about pain.Copy !req
244. I had a gallstone the size of a baseball.Copy !req
245. Gallstones, yeah.
Gallstones are for pussies.Copy !req
246. When I had shingles
did you see me complaining to Phil?Copy !req
247. Shingles schmingles.Copy !req
248. When I had my ulcers, I was...Copy !req
249. farting razor blades.Copy !req
250. - Good morning, John.
- Huh? Good...Copy !req
251. Oh, you must be Max Goldman.Copy !req
252. Hi, I'm Ariel Truax, your new neighbor.Copy !req
253. - Pleasure.
- Isn't it a peach of a day?Copy !req
254. - Ah.
Listen, I have something for you.Copy !req
255. It was dropped off
at my house by accident.Copy !req
256. Some of your mail. Heh.Copy !req
257. - Here you are. Sorry.
- Ah.Copy !req
258. Phil, have my herbal therapy oils
arrived yet?Copy !req
259. They arrived this morning.Copy !req
260. Special delivery from California.Copy !req
261. Wonderful. Wonderful.Copy !req
262. Ah, yes, there's nothing like the scent of...Copy !req
263. fresh tea tree...Copy !req
264. just soaking into your pores.
- Hmm.Copy !req
265. Don't you agree?Copy !req
266. Lovely.Copy !req
267. Thank you.
It was such a pleasure meeting you...Copy !req
268. and I'm sure we're going to see
a lot of one another.Copy !req
269. Goodbye, gentlemen. Goodbye, John.Copy !req
270. Yeah.Copy !req
271. - Holy moly.
Uh-huh.Copy !req
272. Now wait. You got all
four wheels on the track? Okay.Copy !req
273. All right. Now, careful, fellas, huh?
Hey, Mel.Copy !req
274. Be careful. That's over 100 years old.
Damn thing might collapse.Copy !req
275. - Hi, sweetheart. How are you?
- Hi, Dad. Good.Copy !req
276. There's Granddaddy's little girl.
- What's going on?Copy !req
277. - I'm getting rid of that. It's just firewood.
- Why?Copy !req
278. Well, I don't know. I don't play it much.
It sits around, collects dust.Copy !req
279. - You love that piano.
- Granddaddy's got a surprise...Copy !req
280. for you in the house, pumpkin.
- Dad.Copy !req
281. Oh, just a little C-A-N-D-Y.
It's not going to kill her.Copy !req
282. Candy.Copy !req
283. Which one?
Okay, which hand?Copy !req
284. This one? No.Copy !req
285. Which hand? That's the one. Yeah.Copy !req
286. There you are, sweet pea.
How about that? Here.Copy !req
287. Dad.Copy !req
288. - Is there something wrong?
- No. Nothing's wrong at all.Copy !req
289. With me...Copy !req
290. Now, Mel, um...Copy !req
291. How am I gonna...?
People are asking about you.Copy !req
292. I know.Copy !req
293. Yeah, now I keep telling them
that you and Mike are doing just fine.Copy !req
294. It's just a lot of gum-flapping.Copy !req
295. - Mike and I aren't fine.
- Yeah. That's what I thought.Copy !req
296. Dad, we're gonna separate for a while.Copy !req
297. Honey, marriage isn't easy, you know.
You gotta work at it.Copy !req
298. It's hard to work at it
when he's never there.Copy !req
299. Oh, my God, is that familiar. Your mother
wondered where I was for 20 years.Copy !req
300. You really think I wanted two jobs?
I didn't do that for me.Copy !req
301. - I was doing it for you, Brian, your mother.
- Dad. Dad.Copy !req
302. Dad, this isn't about you.
This is about me and Mike.Copy !req
303. Yeah, I'm sorry. I-I get... I keep...Copy !req
304. I'm sorry. I love you so much.Copy !req
305. Well, whatever you and Mike decide is...Copy !req
306. I never liked him anyway.Copy !req
307. Who is that?Copy !req
308. I don't know.Copy !req
309. Hi!Copy !req
310. Ha, ha. She seems to know you.Copy !req
311. Well, I...Copy !req
312. - Does she always do that?
- I don't know.Copy !req
313. Oh! This is great!Copy !req
314. Whoo!Copy !req
315. Aah!Copy !req
316. We hope
you enjoyed our feature presentation.Copy !req
317. Now stay tuned for tonight's $6.4 million
jackpot on Powerball.Copy !req
318. Three, four five...Copy !req
319. Followed by local news.Copy !req
320. Out of the way, Slick.
Come on, baby.Copy !req
321. Come on. I gotta win a million bucks.Copy !req
322. Who's that?Copy !req
323. Okay. Okay.
Ta-da!Copy !req
324. Hey, Jacob, you got my vote.
That's terrific.Copy !req
325. Come on in. Have a little TV dinner.
Lasagna's heating up now.Copy !req
326. I don't have time. I just dropped by
to give you the placard for the yard.Copy !req
327. - I got a bunch I gotta deliver.
- You'll have just a drink Little drink.Copy !req
328. Pop, I can't. I'm sorry. I'll call you.Copy !req
329. No, close the door. Come in.Copy !req
330. Wait a minute. Give me a minute, will you?Copy !req
331. I'll be with you in a second. I have to
do something here that's very important.Copy !req
332. Six-point-four million.
That's our estimated jackpot tonight.Copy !req
333. You could be our next millionaire.Copy !req
334. - To win the jackpot, correctly match...
- Come on. Do it.Copy !req
335. Our first number is a...Copy !req
336. What's going on?Copy !req
337. - There's number four.
- Seven.Copy !req
338. - To win the jackpot, match 5 white balls...
- There's a seven. Now, second...Copy !req
339. And next up is a...Copy !req
340. Come on!Copy !req
341. The schmuck doesn't know
what's happening.Copy !req
342. - A 25.
- Seven...Copy !req
343. - There's just one more ball and here it is...
- Fifteen.Copy !req
344. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
345. Goldman.Copy !req
346. Goldman. It's Goldman.Copy !req
347. - You're a child.
- Don't tell me, Jacob. It isn't me.Copy !req
348. Oh, it never is.Copy !req
349. No, I'm sure John started every fight
since 1940.Copy !req
350. - '38.
- Well, it's ridiculous.Copy !req
351. - Hey, John!
Oh!Copy !req
352. Come over here and apologize.Copy !req
353. - Come here. Come on.
- I'm not apologizing to anybody.Copy !req
354. You're letting the cold air in.Copy !req
355. Take that, you criminal.Copy !req
356. I don't believe it. That old trick?Copy !req
357. This is something between me
and your father, Jakey.Copy !req
358. There's no need for you to get involved.Copy !req
359. I don't say anything on one condition:Copy !req
360. Put one of these in your yard.Copy !req
361. I'd be proud to, Jake.Copy !req
362. Hey, not one word
to your old man, remember?Copy !req
363. - Have fun, Johnny.
- Yeah.Copy !req
364. Hey, dickhead, you win the lottery?Copy !req
365. Enjoy your shower, smartass?Copy !req
366. Mm, mm.Copy !req
367. Gotta use hot water, you schmuck.Copy !req
368. You'll never get me.Copy !req
369. - See you later, Gustafson.
- Ah.Copy !req
370. Up yours, Gustafson.Copy !req
371. Phew. Puke.Copy !req
372. P-yew! What the hell is that smell?Copy !req
373. P-yew!Copy !req
374. Ah.Copy !req
375. Watch it, bonehead.Copy !req
376. Phew.Copy !req
377. Mrs. Cusack over at the store
said she came in yesterday...Copy !req
378. to buy some candles and incense.Copy !req
379. Ask me, she's probably a member
of one of them religious cults.Copy !req
380. - You say she's all alone?
- From what I heard...Copy !req
381. she's available and hot to trot.Copy !req
382. Hey, Chuck.Copy !req
383. - Moron.
- Putz.Copy !req
384. Hi, John.Copy !req
385. Max was telling me
about your new neighbor.Copy !req
386. What? My new neighbor?Copy !req
387. Oh, yes, yeah, new neighbor.
Yeah, she came over to see me last night.Copy !req
388. She what?Copy !req
389. Yeah, about 1:30 in the morning.Copy !req
390. Why would a woman come over
at 1:30 in the morning to see you?Copy !req
391. Just why do you think, bonehead?
I'll have a six-pack, Chuck.Copy !req
392. Ha. Women and fish...Copy !req
393. you can never
catch either one of them, Gustafson.Copy !req
394. I've laid more pipe in this town
than Wabasha Plumbing.Copy !req
395. Oh, yeah? Now you're telling me
you're going to go after her?Copy !req
396. Oh, me? Oh, jeez. God, no. She's too...
She's too disturbed for me.Copy !req
397. For you maybe.Copy !req
398. No, I don't wanna have
anything to do with her.Copy !req
399. See, women fall too hard for me.Copy !req
400. They get obsessed with me.Copy !req
401. It's like one of them
Fatal Attraction things...Copy !req
402. that they show on
The Donahue Show, you know.Copy !req
403. You guys
are the biggest damn bullshitters...Copy !req
404. in this entire frozen nation.Copy !req
405. You're just plain chicken...Copy !req
406. both of you, if you ask me.Copy !req
407. A beautiful woman just sitting there...Copy !req
408. 20 feet from your front yards...Copy !req
409. and you're trying to tell me
you'd rather park your wrinkly butts...Copy !req
410. on a frozen piece of ice...Copy !req
411. kissing up to a couple of buckets
of fish bait. Ha!Copy !req
412. Jesus, listen to Casanova, will you?Copy !req
413. Yeah, he's a regular Don Juan.Copy !req
414. No wonder the ladies "Don Juan"
anything to do with you.Copy !req
415. That did it.
- Oh.Copy !req
416. I'm out. I am out.Copy !req
417. Hey, Max, will you say hello to Jake for me?Copy !req
418. Why don't you come over
and have some turkey with us?Copy !req
419. There's always plenty of bird
with just Jacob and me.Copy !req
420. That way you can spend next week
in bed with ptomaine, huh?Copy !req
421. Come on over to my place,
Melanie cooks up a real feast, Chuck.Copy !req
422. Thanks, fellas. But you know
those old boys over at the VFW...Copy !req
423. they expect me every Thanksgiving.Copy !req
424. Oh, yeah, forget it. See you, Chuck.Copy !req
425. - Moron.
- Putz.Copy !req
426. Tell me something, Chuck.Copy !req
427. - Do I stink?
Yeah!Copy !req
428. Not you, smartass. Didn't ask you.Copy !req
429. I could smell it in the car. This stink.Copy !req
430. Is it me?Copy !req
431. Yep.Copy !req
432. Damn.Copy !req
433. Ah, what the hell is that?Copy !req
434. For chrissake.Copy !req
435. Gustafson.Copy !req
436. You schmuck!Copy !req
437. Damn disgrace
the way they coach that team.Copy !req
438. Stay there.Copy !req
439. Stay there, you little bastard.Copy !req
440. It's the Green Hornet.Copy !req
441. - How are you, Punky?
- Hey, buttercup.Copy !req
442. Give me two packs of Camels...Copy !req
443. and a cup of your special coffee,
you love muffin, you.Copy !req
444. You're supposed to be smoking
filter cigarettes, Pop.Copy !req
445. Yeah, well, I'm 94 years old.
What the hell do I care, huh?Copy !req
446. Oh, thank you, dear.Copy !req
447. - Max is here.
- Ah.Copy !req
448. - Come on, love muffin.
Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
449. - Thanks.
- Here.Copy !req
450. - You were always there to save me.
- Mm-hm. Yeah, right.Copy !req
451. No, really. When Billy Gerber
locked me in his tree house...Copy !req
452. you were my knight in shining armor.Copy !req
453. And I got a black eye for my effort.Copy !req
454. - Let me get that.
- There you go.Copy !req
455. I always knew, you know.Copy !req
456. Knew what?Copy !req
457. That you had a crush on me
since 6th grade.Copy !req
458. You used to watch me
with your dad's binoculars.Copy !req
459. - What?
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
460. No. I...Copy !req
461. You never wondered why my curtains
were open just enough?Copy !req
462. I thought I was lucky.Copy !req
463. I just did it to torture you. Ha, ha.Copy !req
464. Yes. Well, you succeeded wonderfully.Copy !req
465. How come you never asked me out?Copy !req
466. Uh, I...Copy !req
467. Hey, Mel. Hi, Jakey.Copy !req
468. Uh, Mel, is the turkey
supposed to be smoking?Copy !req
469. Oh, man. I better run. See you.Copy !req
470. Hey, John.
- Hey.Copy !req
471. Happy Thanksgiving.Copy !req
472. - Yeah. How are you?
- Good.Copy !req
473. - They're getting a divorce.
- Huh?Copy !req
474. Mel and Mike, they're getting a divorce.
They call it a separation, but it's divorce.Copy !req
475. - Gee, I'm sorry to hear that.
- Yeah.Copy !req
476. So are you seeing anyone special, are you?Copy !req
477. Me? Mmm...Copy !req
478. - No, I guess not. Nobody serious.
- What do you know?Copy !req
479. We got a new neighbor, did you hear?Copy !req
480. Everyone in town
is talking about this woman.Copy !req
481. Yeah. Gee, she hasn't
been out since 11:20.Copy !req
482. What are you doing? Clocking her, John?Copy !req
483. Well, she keeps odd hours, you know.Copy !req
484. Very interesting woman.Copy !req
485. Sounds like a wacko to me.Copy !req
486. I haven't had sex for 15 years.Copy !req
487. Could I have little? Oh. Mmm.Copy !req
488. Oh, my.
Too much, Dad?Copy !req
489. Yeah, that was plenty.Copy !req
490. Hey, why don't you give some of
the leftovers to Jakey?Copy !req
491. He'll have his own leftovers.Copy !req
492. That pre-cooked stuff his old man gets?
That tastes like cardboard.Copy !req
493. Why don't you go and talk to her, Dad?Copy !req
494. What? Talk to who?Copy !req
495. Ariel.Copy !req
496. You spent half the meal
staring out the window.Copy !req
497. Just squirrels.Copy !req
498. There's the squirrels on her roof.
That's what I was staring at.Copy !req
499. You're a handsome, eligible guy
with a nice house, a good pension.Copy !req
500. You got a lot to offer her.Copy !req
501. Well, I got something to offer her.Copy !req
502. I got zip to offer her.Copy !req
503. Pop, I can't tell if this is done.Copy !req
504. Pop, do you know how many minutes
this thing needs to cook?Copy !req
505. Getting hungry.Copy !req
506. Sure be nice to have some turkey
right about now.Copy !req
507. You remember the turkey
your mother used to make?Copy !req
508. - Oh, yeah.
- Damn, she was a good cook.Copy !req
509. You remember the stuffing?Copy !req
510. The best.Copy !req
511. - How about those potato latkes?
- Oy.Copy !req
512. I thought you said
Chuck was going to VFW.Copy !req
513. He is.
I don't think so.Copy !req
514. What are you talking about?Copy !req
515. Looks like he's making a house call.Copy !req
516. What?Copy !req
517. What in the...Copy !req
518. Hell is he doing there?Copy !req
519. - He's going to do it.
- So?Copy !req
520. What?Copy !req
521. What is he doing in that crazy...Copy !req
522. - Son of a...
- Jealous?Copy !req
523. Of what? Are you...?Copy !req
524. - He's in.
- He's in.Copy !req
525. - He's in!
- Oh.Copy !req
526. Looks like Chuck's taking old one-eye
to the optometrist.Copy !req
527. - Oh, jeez, Dad. What?
- Oh.Copy !req
528. God...Copy !req
529. - Chuck?
Chuck, where are you?Copy !req
530. Ah.
- Hello, fellas.Copy !req
531. Hey, um...
Hi, Chuck.Copy !req
532. - Some game last night.
Double overtime.Copy !req
533. - Blackhawks were killers, weren't they?
- Did you catch the game, Chuck?Copy !req
534. No.Copy !req
535. Oh, sure, you were with
the guys at the VFW.Copy !req
536. Yeah. How was the turkey at the VFW
this year, Chucky?Copy !req
537. The turkey this year...Copy !req
538. was delicious. Ha, ha.Copy !req
539. Yeah...Copy !req
540. - Oh, come on.
- We saw you.Copy !req
541. - You were there half the night.
What'd you do?Copy !req
542. - What's it like in there?
- What did she say?Copy !req
543. Fellas. Fellas.Copy !req
544. There are some experiences
in life too rich...Copy !req
545. too beautiful to try
to put into words.Copy !req
546. - What does that mean exactly?
Yeah.Copy !req
547. Could have been either of you
if you just had the guts to ask.Copy !req
548. - You mean, you and she...?
- I'm not talking about sex, dummies.Copy !req
549. No?
- Of course not.Copy !req
550. Oh.Copy !req
551. I get it.Copy !req
552. Your old pal failed you, huh, Chuck?Copy !req
553. Oh, couldn't rise to the occasion?Copy !req
554. - Yes, the spirit was willing...
- Yeah, but the flesh was, uh...Copy !req
555. Weak, weak.Copy !req
556. Okay, okay, if it wasn't sex what was it?Copy !req
557. It was an awakening.Copy !req
558. Ariel reminded me that I was alive.Copy !req
559. That I was a man full of energy,
love, and passion.Copy !req
560. It was like being young again.Copy !req
561. If only for a moment.Copy !req
562. Couldn't get it up, huh, Chuck?Copy !req
563. Get out of here, both of you.Copy !req
564. Yeah, I'll see you.Copy !req
565. Yeah, but...Copy !req
566. So long.
Hey, boys.Copy !req
567. That's not just a woman
living across your street.Copy !req
568. She's an angel.Copy !req
569. Angel, right. Take it easy, Chuck.Copy !req
570. See you, Chuck.Copy !req
571. Holy moly.Copy !req
572. Look at all the crap you...
Excuse me. The stuff you got here.Copy !req
573. Well, it's my inspiration.
- You did...? You're an artist?Copy !req
574. Ah, I try.Copy !req
575. I used to teach courses
in Expressionism at Berkeley.Copy !req
576. But now I'm back to
the classics of literature.Copy !req
577. Berkeley, that explains it.Copy !req
578. Oh, my God.Copy !req
579. What?Copy !req
580. Your TV. It's got no guts.Copy !req
581. I took them out.Copy !req
582. How could you do that
to a '54 Super Zenith?Copy !req
583. This TV is a classic.Copy !req
584. I can fix it for you though,
if you wanted me to.Copy !req
585. That's what I used to do.
I was a TV repairman.Copy !req
586. Aw, that's so sweet, Max, but...Copy !req
587. you know, I think it works quite well...Copy !req
588. just the way it is.Copy !req
589. How the hell does she see any shows?Copy !req
590. Holy moly.Copy !req
591. I see you've met Ernest.Copy !req
592. - Who?
- The model was my husband.Copy !req
593. Boy, he sure wasn't pleased about
modeling in the nude.Copy !req
594. Took quite a bit of prompting, I must say.Copy !req
595. He's, uh...Copy !req
596. Passed on.Copy !req
597. Five years ago.Copy !req
598. Hmm. Would you like some coffee?Copy !req
599. - Yeah.
- Cream and sugar?Copy !req
600. Yeah.Copy !req
601. Hmm.Copy !req
602. Sure moved around a lot
the last few years, didn't you?Copy !req
603. Yeah, I think it's exciting
to experience new things...Copy !req
604. new places, and meet new people.Copy !req
605. Like you.Copy !req
606. Do you paint?Copy !req
607. - Paint? Me?
- Yes. Uh-huh.Copy !req
608. Sure do.Copy !req
609. I paint the shed every spring.Copy !req
610. - Ha-ha!
- No. No.Copy !req
611. - You get it?
- I get it, I get it.Copy !req
612. No, I mean, you know...Copy !req
613. pictures, paintings.Copy !req
614. What for?Copy !req
615. Everyone needs some form of...Copy !req
616. release.Copy !req
617. I fish.Copy !req
618. Fish?Copy !req
619. Fish...Copy !req
620. Oh. Yeah, fish.Copy !req
621. Oh, yeah. I can see the beauty in that.Copy !req
622. - Yeah?
- Mm.Copy !req
623. Miss Truax,
would you do me the honor...Copy !req
624. of accompanying me
to my ice shanty tomorrow?Copy !req
625. I'd be honored.Copy !req
626. See you tomorrow.
Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.Copy !req
627. Be careful.
Okay.Copy !req
628. Whoa!Copy !req
629. - I can't hold it!
Reel him in.Copy !req
630. I can't hold him, Max.
- Work him. Work him.Copy !req
631. I'm trying. He's so strong!
Easy does it.Copy !req
632. Reel it in.
- I can't hold it.Copy !req
633. - I'm trying but I can't!
- All right. Give me the pole.Copy !req
634. Oh, not yet. Not on your life.
Get out of here!Copy !req
635. - Let me... Pull!
- Stop!Copy !req
636. That's it. Coming. Coming.
Aah! Aah!Copy !req
637. Morning, John.Copy !req
638. Morning, Punky.Copy !req
639. Oh, Max.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.Copy !req
640. - Oh, I almost lost him.
- Max, oh, he's just magnificent.Copy !req
641. Magnificent? He's a damn record-breaker.
You've got a 3-footer.Copy !req
642. Oh, Max.Copy !req
643. I can see the beauty in this now.Copy !req
644. - Can you see it?
- Yes, the lure. No, the fight.Copy !req
645. - The fight. Wait till I show the guys.
- The catch.Copy !req
646. - What a catch.
- And then the release.Copy !req
647. The release!Copy !req
648. - What release? There's no release.
- Oh, yes, it's beautiful.Copy !req
649. No, I'll tell you what's beautiful.
This monster on my wall stuffed.Copy !req
650. Oh, no. There can be no stuffing.
This is a live creature.Copy !req
651. Full of courage and life.Copy !req
652. Nobody's gonna believe me.
Let me get a camera.Copy !req
653. - Oh, no.
- Just hold it for a minute.Copy !req
654. - I hear the water calling it back, Max.
- Where is it?Copy !req
655. Here we go.
- Wait, wait!Copy !req
656. - Calling.
- Here. Hold it. Hold it!Copy !req
657. Hey, Pop.Copy !req
658. Hey. Just finishing breaKfast.Copy !req
659. So I see.Copy !req
660. Colder than a witch's titty out there,
isn't it?Copy !req
661. Where did you get this fishing pole?Copy !req
662. Oh, I snagged it about an hour ago.Copy !req
663. The only damn thing I caught all day.Copy !req
664. Ah.Copy !req
665. Hey, Chuck, guess what Pop found.Copy !req
666. Chuck?Copy !req
667. Chuck? Hey, Chuck!Copy !req
668. Ch... You forgot to unlock
the back door, you dummy.Copy !req
669. Isn't it wonderful to have
a little adventure every day?Copy !req
670. All I know is you're one hell
of a fisherman, Ariel.Copy !req
671. Oh. I learned from the best.Copy !req
672. Oh, I hope you weren't mad at me
for putting them all back.Copy !req
673. Ah, that's okay.
Gustafson does the same thing.Copy !req
674. He just keeps the ones he eats.
That's what he says.Copy !req
675. I think he never catches them.Copy !req
676. - Ha, ha.
- Ha, ha. Oh, Max.Copy !req
677. I think we're going to be great friends.Copy !req
678. Oh, fr... Fr...Copy !req
679. Friends. Friends is good.
That's good, isn't it?Copy !req
680. - Yeah.
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
681. How about some supper tonight?
After your class, I mean.Copy !req
682. Oh, thank you so much, but I already
have made plans. I'm sorry.Copy !req
683. - Oh.
- But I'll take a rain check.Copy !req
684. - That's a deal.
- Okay?Copy !req
685. Yeah.
Until we meet again, my dear Ariel.Copy !req
686. Yes.Copy !req
687. - Ha, ha.
- Goodbye.Copy !req
688. Watch out. Don't slip.Copy !req
689. Well, Gustafson,
looks like the best man won.Copy !req
690. Ah. You always were a lousy loser.Copy !req
691. He's dead.Copy !req
692. - What? Who?
- Chuck.Copy !req
693. Chuck? How?Copy !req
694. Last night in his sleep.Copy !req
695. In his sleep.Copy !req
696. Lucky bastard.Copy !req
697. Of course, you might have known
if you hadn't been out with that minx.Copy !req
698. Hey, it ain't my fault.
Chuck was a friend of mine too.Copy !req
699. You call yourself a friend?
You bastard.Copy !req
700. Hey, watch your mouth,
you dumb frigging Swede.Copy !req
701. Look, don't tell me what to do, huh?Copy !req
702. Yeah, yeah.
Big man with the ax in your hand.Copy !req
703. Ax? All right, fine. You wanna clock me?
You think you can take me? Come on.Copy !req
704. - All right. 1937, at Todd Field...
- Oh, for God's sake.Copy !req
705. I kicked your ass after football practice
when you stole my liniment.Copy !req
706. - I kicked your ass and I can do it again.
- Bullshit.Copy !req
707. Give it your best shot, shrimp.Copy !req
708. It's not worth the effort.Copy !req
709. Get out of there.Copy !req
710. Damn.Copy !req
711. He has the intelligence quotient
of a newt.Copy !req
712. Shrimp thinks
he can get funny with me.Copy !req
713. Left hook...Copy !req
714. right cross...Copy !req
715. and dump him.Copy !req
716. Oh, Chuck.Copy !req
717. I'm gonna kill him.Copy !req
718. God damn you, Goldman, you...Copy !req
719. John Gustafson?Copy !req
720. I'm Elliot Snyder
of the Internal Revenue Service.Copy !req
721. I'm asking you
to accompany me to my office.Copy !req
722. Slick?Copy !req
723. - Oh!
- Hi.Copy !req
724. I was wondering where you were.Copy !req
725. I, uh...Copy !req
726. I had a little, uh, business.Copy !req
727. Oh, I hope it went all right.Copy !req
728. Yeah. Uh, wh... What are you doing?Copy !req
729. Cooking. Ha, ha.Copy !req
730. Cooking. Yes, yeah. That's...Copy !req
731. Oh, wait a minute.
I can't have anything spicy.Copy !req
732. I mean, if it's too exciting, I'm up all night.Copy !req
733. Good. I'm making Sichuan.Copy !req
734. Ah, gotcha.Copy !req
735. From the moment I saw you, I could feel
that we had the same kind of aura.Copy !req
736. - That we share something special.
- Teaching.Copy !req
737. Thirty-nine years I taught American history
at Wabasha High.Copy !req
738. Oh. History, it's so romantic.Copy !req
739. Great dental plan.Copy !req
740. All the ideas that you brought
to those young minds.Copy !req
741. Yeah, the kids think they know it all, right?Copy !req
742. Oh, once in a while you reach one.
You touch them somehow.Copy !req
743. - I did that once.
- Really?Copy !req
744. It was my Roosevelt's New Deal lecture.Copy !req
745. I touched a kid on the back of his head
while he was snoring.Copy !req
746. - Ha, ha.
- You're so bad.Copy !req
747. You know, uh...Copy !req
748. - Chuck, he...
- Mm.Copy !req
749. - I know.
- Oh.Copy !req
750. We can be thanKful that
we had the privilege of knowing him...Copy !req
751. while he was here.Copy !req
752. Yeah.Copy !req
753. To Chuck.Copy !req
754. Yes, to Chuck.Copy !req
755. Thank you, John.
It was a wonderful evening.Copy !req
756. Thank you, Ariel.Copy !req
757. - Now, Pop, you think I should I call her?
- What?Copy !req
758. - What?
- The woman.Copy !req
759. Well, let me tell you something, John.Copy !req
760. That the first 90 years or so...Copy !req
761. they go by pretty fast.
- Ha, ha. Yeah?Copy !req
762. - What?
- The first 90 years, they go by pretty fast.Copy !req
763. Yeah, but how would you know?
You're just a damn kid.Copy !req
764. Well, I didn't say it, you did.Copy !req
765. - Well, they do. They go fast.
- Okay. All right.Copy !req
766. - Then one day you wake up...
- Yeah?Copy !req
767. and you realize...Copy !req
768. ha, ha, that you're not 81 anymore.Copy !req
769. And then you begin to count the minutes
rather than the days...Copy !req
770. and you realize
that pretty soon you'll be gone.Copy !req
771. And that all you have, see,
is the experiences.Copy !req
772. That's all there is, Johnny.
Everything. The experiences.Copy !req
773. You mount the woman, son. Ha, ha.Copy !req
774. Or else, uh...Copy !req
775. send her out to me, huh?Copy !req
776. I happened to come by
these two tickets for the Gopher game.Copy !req
777. So, Ariel, uh...Copy !req
778. ever play much ice hockey?
Ha-ha-ha.Copy !req
779. - Ah, schmuck.
Mr. Gustafson.Copy !req
780. Mr. Gustafson. We had an appointment.Copy !req
781. There she is. Wabasha.Copy !req
782. Hmm.Copy !req
783. It is just beautiful.Copy !req
784. Yeah. Yeah, from up here. I used to
camp out up here when I was a kid.Copy !req
785. What are you thinking?Copy !req
786. Oh, I'm sorry. I just...Copy !req
787. It's the snow.Copy !req
788. Reminded me of the last Christmas
I spent with my husband.Copy !req
789. - Are you all right?
- Yes, an angel.Copy !req
790. - What?
- I'm making a snow angel, remember?Copy !req
791. Oh. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
792. Yeah. I remember.Copy !req
793. Whoo!Copy !req
794. Hey.Copy !req
795. Do you believe in angels?Copy !req
796. - Oh, yeah.
- Uh-huh?Copy !req
797. - Oh, they're all around us.
- Yeah?Copy !req
798. Mm-hm. You've got to look hard
but they're there...Copy !req
799. whenever anything good happens to us.Copy !req
800. I think I see one.Copy !req
801. Look at how large
Papa's bald spot is.Copy !req
802. Actually does look
like hair growing there.Copy !req
803. - You could imagine
problems that will become reality.Copy !req
804. Give it all you've got.
Again and again and again.Copy !req
805. Aha.Copy !req
806. I'll have you mated in three moves.Copy !req
807. Shouldn't we get to know each other
a little better first?Copy !req
808. Oh, you have a wonderful smile.
You should wear it more often.Copy !req
809. Yeah? L... I...Copy !req
810. I bring it out on special occasions.
Heh.Copy !req
811. Hmm.Copy !req
812. Tell me, who's this?Copy !req
813. - What?
- Over here.Copy !req
814. - Oh, that's my dad. That's Pop.
- Oh.Copy !req
815. The handsome guy right behind him.
You know him, I think, don't you?Copy !req
816. My daughter Melanie and her mother,
and Melanie and her husband, Mike.Copy !req
817. - She's beautiful.
- Yeah.Copy !req
818. Now, these people over here?Copy !req
819. Ah, the little girl is Alexandra,
my granddaughter.Copy !req
820. - And my son, Brian.
- Oh, he's so handsome.Copy !req
821. Lost him in Vietnam.Copy !req
822. - Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, that's okay. It's all right. It's okay.Copy !req
823. And these little guys.Copy !req
824. - Oh, ha. That's me and the moron.
- Max?Copy !req
825. - Of course it's Max. He's ugly isn't he?
- Ha, ha!Copy !req
826. Oh, you mean you were friends?Copy !req
827. Well, I was 10. I didn't know any better.Copy !req
828. What can make two grown men spend
most of their lives fighting each other?Copy !req
829. - Oh, guess.
- A woman.Copy !req
830. - Uh, yeah.
- How romantic.Copy !req
831. Oh, no, it wasn't romantic at all.
It was... Ah, well.Copy !req
832. What did I know? I was just a kid.Copy !req
833. Which I am not anymore.Copy !req
834. I think it's kind of late.Copy !req
835. Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. I guess...Copy !req
836. It's time for bed.Copy !req
837. God, you are dumb, dumb, dumb.Copy !req
838. Ariel, I'm sorry that...Copy !req
839. I thought you said...Copy !req
840. I said it's time for bed.Copy !req
841. - Well, wait a minute. What about...
- What?Copy !req
842. Well, you know, you've been seeing...Copy !req
843. - Max?
- Yeah, Max.Copy !req
844. He's just my friend.Copy !req
845. Uh, yeah, but, uh...Copy !req
846. The last man that I slept with
was my husband.Copy !req
847. Uh...Copy !req
848. Oh, God. Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute.Copy !req
849. I'm not prepared.Copy !req
850. See, these days, they say
you have to do safe sex.Copy !req
851. John, when was the last time
you made love?Copy !req
852. October 4.Copy !req
853. 1978.Copy !req
854. Oh, I think we're safe.Copy !req
855. Max!Copy !req
856. Good morning.Copy !req
857. Oh, are those for me?Copy !req
858. - Oh, yeah.
- They're just beautiful. Thank you.Copy !req
859. - They're for you. I got them for you.
- Thank you.Copy !req
860. Thank you. How sweet.Copy !req
861. I...Copy !req
862. got them for you.Copy !req
863. Snake in the grass.Copy !req
864. Burn, baby, burn.Copy !req
865. How you doing, Punky?Copy !req
866. Creep.Copy !req
867. Holy shit. Max. Stop the car, you idiot!Copy !req
868. Look out, Goldman's gone nuts.
Look out!Copy !req
869. - Look out! Look out!
- Aah!Copy !req
870. - Max, you've really lost it.
- Dirty little bastard.Copy !req
871. Are you out of your mind? Max!Copy !req
872. Oh, my God!Copy !req
873. Yes!Copy !req
874. Oh, no.Copy !req
875. He belongs in a rubber room.Copy !req
876. I fixed your fishing pole.Copy !req
877. Who cares about a damn fishing pole?Copy !req
878. You can shove that pole.Copy !req
879. You think a lousy old pole
is gonna replace her?Copy !req
880. Are you crazy?Copy !req
881. Don't egg him on. Go back to your fishing
and leave him alone, all right?Copy !req
882. - We'll settle this thing.
- Aargh!Copy !req
883. Max, cut it out.Copy !req
884. Shrimp, you're not going anywhere.Copy !req
885. Come on. Aah!
- Aah!Copy !req
886. - Oh, you broke my nose!
- I didn't break your damn nose.Copy !req
887. Look at that.
What the hell has gotten into you?Copy !req
888. - You stole her, didn't you?
- What?Copy !req
889. She's mine.Copy !req
890. - Says who?
- Says me.Copy !req
891. Yeah? Well, she came to me.Copy !req
892. Bull. You're trying to steal
her away, just like you did May.Copy !req
893. Oh, for God's sake. Could I remind you,
Einstein, May was no prize.Copy !req
894. - She was to me.
- I was married to the woman 20 years.Copy !req
895. - She was no prize.
- She was to me.Copy !req
896. Yeah. Well, that's why you're a moron.
If you'd ended up with May...Copy !req
897. you never would have had Amy.
And Amy was a good woman.Copy !req
898. - She was the best.
- And more loyal than May ever was.Copy !req
899. - Absolutely.
- So.Copy !req
900. - So what?
- Huh?Copy !req
901. What?Copy !req
902. - Huh?
- So?Copy !req
903. What?Copy !req
904. - What?
- What?Copy !req
905. Did you...Copy !req
906. Well, did you?Copy !req
907. What?Copy !req
908. You know.Copy !req
909. - Oh, that's a private matter.
- Private, my foot. Did you?Copy !req
910. - That's all I can tell you.
- You better tell me.Copy !req
911. All right, we did the horizontal mambo!
We danced it!Copy !req
912. It was the greatest sex I ever had
in my life. All right, are you happy?Copy !req
913. - You...
- Oh, shit! Shit!Copy !req
914. Hey! Drop that fish.Copy !req
915. Huh? Mr. Gustafson.Copy !req
916. Don't make me
have to separate you two again, damn it.Copy !req
917. Now go to your shanties, all of you.
You're scaring the fish away.Copy !req
918. Damn kids.Copy !req
919. Kids. You can't live with them,
can't shoot them.Copy !req
920. How you gonna take care
of her, huh, Gustafson? Huh?Copy !req
921. How are you gonna support her
when the IRS takes your house away?Copy !req
922. I can't wait around for anotherAmy.
I ain't got time.Copy !req
923. Okay, Max. This time you win.Copy !req
924. - Hi there.
- Ariel, uh...Copy !req
925. If you're not going to keep
our date tonight...Copy !req
926. I'm bringing the date to you.
- Huh?Copy !req
927. You promised that you would come over
and give me the New Deal lecture...Copy !req
928. - and like a good student...
- Uh, what's that?Copy !req
929. It's a gift.Copy !req
930. A snow angel.Copy !req
931. You inspired it.Copy !req
932. I can't accept it.Copy !req
933. Why not?Copy !req
934. I, uh... It doesn't... It...Copy !req
935. Ariel, I think it might be a very good idea
if we didn't see each other.Copy !req
936. I mean, for a while. Anyway.Copy !req
937. You know, give each of us
a chance to be alone and...Copy !req
938. But I thought...Copy !req
939. Ah, goddamn it.
Look, Ariel, please.Copy !req
940. - First place, I'm too old for you. Okay?
- What does that...?Copy !req
941. Mainly, I don't like you coming over here
any time you feel like it.Copy !req
942. I don't like you hanging around here
all day long, damn it.Copy !req
943. Look, I'm not like you.
L... I'm not afraid to be alone.Copy !req
944. I am not afraid to be alone.Copy !req
945. I just prefer to experience things...Copy !req
946. and not just watch them on television
or looking out the windows like you do.Copy !req
947. Don't you understand? I like being alone.Copy !req
948. Oh, I understand.Copy !req
949. I understand completely.Copy !req
950. You don't know a damn thing about me.Copy !req
951. I do too.Copy !req
952. And I also know that the only things
in life that you regret...Copy !req
953. are the risks that you don't take.Copy !req
954. Oh, but you wouldn't understand that.
Because you're too pig-headed.Copy !req
955. Oh, damn.Copy !req
956. Hi, John.Copy !req
957. - John.
Yeah?Copy !req
958. - How are you doing?
- Hey, Jakey.Copy !req
959. - Merry Christmas.
- Congratulations on the election.Copy !req
960. Thanks. That's kind of
old news though, John. Where you been?Copy !req
961. Ah, well, I had all of this stuff
that I had to get taken care of. I, uh...Copy !req
962. Oh, hey, listen. Melanie said
that she's gonna come by tonight.Copy !req
963. You, know, Christmas Eve. Around 9:00.Copy !req
964. - Is that right?
- Yeah. So why don't you drop over later?Copy !req
965. - Yeah. Well, I'll do that.
- Okay.Copy !req
966. Come spring, this neighborhood
will be a lot safer...Copy !req
967. without that snowmobile around.Copy !req
968. Hi, Jacob. Hello, putz.Copy !req
969. Hey, Pop.Copy !req
970. Merry Christmas, John.Copy !req
971. Ariel.Copy !req
972. Hey, Gustafson,
your cat crapped on my steps again.Copy !req
973. Yeah? Who says you can't train a cat?Copy !req
974. Ah, yeah? Well, that's a warning.Copy !req
975. Don't let it happen again
or I'll punch you in the nose.Copy !req
976. - Pop.
He started it.Copy !req
977. Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
978. Hey. Where's Santa's favorite little girl,
huh?Copy !req
979. - Merry Christmas, Dad.
- Merry...Copy !req
980. Come on, sweetheart. Hi, John.Copy !req
981. What, no twinkle lights?Copy !req
982. Huh? Yeah, well, I, uh...Copy !req
983. I forgot about them this year.Copy !req
984. - Be polite.
- Yeah.Copy !req
985. - Hey, John.
- Mike.Copy !req
986. - Merry, uh...
- Christmas.Copy !req
987. Yeah, Christmas.Copy !req
988. Can I put Allie in your bed?Copy !req
989. Yeah, sure.
Good night, baby.Copy !req
990. Bedtime. Say good night
to Grandpa.Copy !req
991. Good night, Grandpa.Copy !req
992. So how you been?Copy !req
993. Lousy. Thought you two
were getting a divorce.Copy !req
994. Dad!
Ha.Copy !req
995. Uh, actually, it's only a separation.Copy !req
996. I had to get some things worked out
for myself before we could work on us.Copy !req
997. Did you get it worked out?Copy !req
998. Uh... Uh, yeah.Copy !req
999. You know, as far as I can tell.Copy !req
1000. Damn, that's great, Mike.Copy !req
1001. Maybe the rest of us
should just put our lives on hold...Copy !req
1002. for the next two, three weeks while you
oil yourself up with enough booze...Copy !req
1003. and bullshit that you can make
your mind up. Shall we do that? Huh?Copy !req
1004. Uh, heh.Copy !req
1005. You know...Copy !req
1006. maybe I'll grab a beer.Copy !req
1007. Yeah, you grab a beer. It's in the fridge.Copy !req
1008. What had gotten into you?
I don't know.Copy !req
1009. Grab me one too.Copy !req
1010. Dad, try and understand.Copy !req
1011. He showed up last night.
Says he's gotten himself straightened out.Copy !req
1012. What do I know? I'm 68-year-old man.
I got no house, no wife, no pension.Copy !req
1013. What are you talking about?Copy !req
1014. Look, I don't know one damn thing,
but I know this:Copy !req
1015. The only things in this life that you
really regret are the risks you didn't take.Copy !req
1016. And, God, Mel, if you
see a chance to be happy...Copy !req
1017. you grab it with both hands and
to hell with the consequences.Copy !req
1018. Okay?Copy !req
1019. Okay.Copy !req
1020. Uh, Dad?
I'll be damned if I can find a bottle opener.Copy !req
1021. Sweetheart, I'm gonna walk down
to Slippery's.Copy !req
1022. What?Copy !req
1023. Dad...Copy !req
1024. Oh, hey, Jakey. Merry Christmas.Copy !req
1025. Merry Christmas.Copy !req
1026. Uh, is this a bad time?Copy !req
1027. I'm sorry, Jacob.Copy !req
1028. I don't know what's wrong with him.
He just exploded.Copy !req
1029. Do you want me to go after him?Copy !req
1030. No, no. That's okay.Copy !req
1031. He'll cool off down at Slippery's.
Come on in.Copy !req
1032. What's that?Copy !req
1033. Oh, this is, uh, broccoli.Copy !req
1034. Pop didn't have mistletoe, so I...Copy !req
1035. Mike! Hey! You're next, big guy.Copy !req
1036. - Heh. Hi, Stinky.
- Ha.Copy !req
1037. I, uh... I just came by
to wish you all a Merry Christmas.Copy !req
1038. Oh, that was sweet, Jacob.
Wasn't that sweet, Mike?Copy !req
1039. Yeah. Sweet and short.Copy !req
1040. - Well, I...
- Ha, ha.Copy !req
1041. Uh...
- Ha, ha.Copy !req
1042. Uh, good to see you, Mike.Copy !req
1043. Uh, Jacob?
Yeah?Copy !req
1044. - Could I ask you a favor?
Sure.Copy !req
1045. Could you have a word with your dad?
See if they can't make up for Christmas.Copy !req
1046. Uh, yeah, sure. Absolutely.Copy !req
1047. That would be great.Copy !req
1048. - Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.Copy !req
1049. - Over at the Gustafsons'?
- Yeah.Copy !req
1050. - Melanie there?
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
1051. She, uh... She look good?Copy !req
1052. Very. She also looks to still be married.Copy !req
1053. What? Mike's back?Copy !req
1054. Looks that way.Copy !req
1055. You know, Melanie said that
John just exploded and walked out.Copy !req
1056. - So?
- So, what's going on?Copy !req
1057. Nothing that shouldn't
have happened years ago.Copy !req
1058. Pop...Copy !req
1059. He tried to steal her away from me,
but I won.Copy !req
1060. Could you at least, uh, talk to him?Copy !req
1061. My door is open.
He knows where to find me.Copy !req
1062. He started it.Copy !req
1063. I don't care who started it,
you're gonna end it.Copy !req
1064. I don't like him. I never liked him.Copy !req
1065. You know, it's Christmas, Pop,
all right?Copy !req
1066. At least you could go down to Slippery's
and make peace with the man.Copy !req
1067. I'd rather kiss a dead moose's butt.Copy !req
1068. This 1,500-pound moose
is the real thing, folks.Copy !req
1069. Reared by local volunteer firefighter,
Peter Carlson, of Wabasha...Copy !req
1070. who found it injured on a hunting trip,
brought it home, and brought it up...Copy !req
1071. Merry Christmas.Copy !req
1072. Moron.Copy !req
1073. Putz.Copy !req
1074. Thank you, Lou.Copy !req
1075. Jacob says that Michael and Melanie
are, uh, gonna get back together again.Copy !req
1076. Well, Jacob doesn't know his ass
from a hole in the ground.Copy !req
1077. Melanie is getting a divorce.Copy !req
1078. Ah. Yeah, well, uh...Copy !req
1079. I got a couple of things I want to tell you.
- Yeah?Copy !req
1080. The reason I came down here tonight is...Copy !req
1081. I wanted to tell you...Copy !req
1082. Spit it out. I haven't got all night.Copy !req
1083. - Don't shout.
- I'm not shouting.Copy !req
1084. Bust my tuchus to get down here
on Christmas Eve to thank you...Copy !req
1085. and all you can do is shout at me.
- Wait.Copy !req
1086. To thank me?Copy !req
1087. All right, I take it back. I don't thank you.Copy !req
1088. Oh, for... Jesus, it's impossible.
Impossible.Copy !req
1089. Look, Goldman...Copy !req
1090. I want to ask you something.Copy !req
1091. Well, what? I ain't got all night, either.
I'm just as busy as you are.Copy !req
1092. Listen, do you love her?Copy !req
1093. Do I love her? What the hell
does that have to do with anything?Copy !req
1094. It would make
the whole thing worthwhile.Copy !req
1095. You know something, Gustafson?Copy !req
1096. Sometimes I think you've lost
whatever frigging marbles you ever had.Copy !req
1097. What do you think you did,
walk on coals for me?Copy !req
1098. Gave me back my old fishing pole
and I told you, "thank you."Copy !req
1099. - Fishing pole?
- Yes.Copy !req
1100. - Pisses me off you had to break it first.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
1101. - But schmuck that you are...
- Ha, ha. Aah!Copy !req
1102. I suppose I gotta be realistic.
What the hell is so funny?Copy !req
1103. You are so butt-blind, you think this
whole thing is about a stupid fishing pole?Copy !req
1104. - What's it about then?
- Forget it.Copy !req
1105. What do you mean forget it?
Don't give me that crap.Copy !req
1106. - I wanna know.
- You really wanna know?Copy !req
1107. Yes, yes!Copy !req
1108. Ariel.Copy !req
1109. What about her?Copy !req
1110. You made me feel sorry for you.Copy !req
1111. She chose me. She did.Copy !req
1112. And if anybody says otherwise
they're damn liars.Copy !req
1113. What's the difference?
You got her anyway.Copy !req
1114. - Heh.
- What the hell are you looking at?Copy !req
1115. Stupid moron.Copy !req
1116. Complete idiot. Ah.Copy !req
1117. It makes a difference, damn it.Copy !req
1118. Dirty rat. Little turd.Copy !req
1119. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1120. Hey, John!Copy !req
1121. John.Copy !req
1122. Are you dead?Copy !req
1123. Not yet. But I don't wanna die
looking at your ugly face.Copy !req
1124. You stay there. You stay right there.Copy !req
1125. Wait a minute. I'll be right back.Copy !req
1126. Help, help! It's an emergency.Copy !req
1127. Emergency. We need an ambulance.
Somebody dial 911.Copy !req
1128. Miss?Copy !req
1129. Miss, could you tell... Could you...?Copy !req
1130. Oh, nurse. Nurse?Copy !req
1131. Nurse?Copy !req
1132. Could you tell me
where Mr. John Gustafson is?Copy !req
1133. Are you friend or family?Copy !req
1134. John Gus... What?Copy !req
1135. Are you friend or family, sir?Copy !req
1136. Uh...Copy !req
1137. Friend.Copy !req
1138. Merry Christmas, John.Copy !req
1139. You putz.Copy !req
1140. Well, you'd better have a good reason
for standing me up this morning.Copy !req
1141. What's wrong?Copy !req
1142. Can I come in?Copy !req
1143. Sure.Copy !req
1144. Hi.Copy !req
1145. I know that you said
that you wanted to get rid of me...Copy !req
1146. but isn't this a little drastic?Copy !req
1147. You know, my husband
passed away at Easter.Copy !req
1148. And if you leave me at Christmas...Copy !req
1149. I won't have any kind of holidays
to look forward to.Copy !req
1150. Except for maybe Thanksgiving and...Copy !req
1151. You know, I really...
I'm not crazy about turkey.Copy !req
1152. So, what do you say?Copy !req
1153. Let's get out of here.Copy !req
1154. All right.Copy !req
1155. Okay, I can wait.Copy !req
1156. The guy could be dead tomorrow,
for chrissake.Copy !req
1157. I'm sorry your friend is sick,
Mr. Goldman...Copy !req
1158. but the court order is in
and my hands are tied.Copy !req
1159. Check the bedroom.
I want all that paperwork filed.Copy !req
1160. Gustafson's straight as a grizzly's dick.
He'd never cheat on his taxes. Never.Copy !req
1161. It's not a matter of cheating.Copy !req
1162. It's a matter of, oh, miscalculation.Copy !req
1163. You friend received health benefits for
20 years while claiming as a married man.Copy !req
1164. Um, however, he omitted to inform us...Copy !req
1165. that his ex-wife had a part-time job
for 11 of those 20 years.Copy !req
1166. Had he done so, we'd have informed him...Copy !req
1167. that, because of her income...Copy !req
1168. a larger portion of those benefits
were subject, of course, to federal tax.Copy !req
1169. Ooh, about $13,000.Copy !req
1170. Thirteen thousand? Well, he can raise that.Copy !req
1171. However, uh...Copy !req
1172. that amount, when combined with...Copy !req
1173. 11 years worth of interest,
mandatory late charges, and penalties...Copy !req
1174. uh, comes out at about
$57,000, ballpark.Copy !req
1175. He'd never find that.Copy !req
1176. He will when we sell his house.Copy !req
1177. Dirty rat. I'll show him.
Picking on people.Copy !req
1178. Let's go, let's go. Hubba-hubba.Copy !req
1179. - Where's the Realtor?
Get the door?Copy !req
1180. Listen, men, all the furniture
goes to the auction house.Copy !req
1181. Any paperwork
put in the back of my car, okay?Copy !req
1182. Yes, sir.Copy !req
1183. - Beautiful day, Mr. Goldman!
- Hey, Snyder.Copy !req
1184. Do the world a favor and pull your lip
over your head and swallow.Copy !req
1185. Asshole.Copy !req
1186. Bloodsuckers.Copy !req
1187. - Max, what's going on?
- Morning, Ariel.Copy !req
1188. Anyone looking?Copy !req
1189. No, why?Copy !req
1190. I don't care.
- We got a problem here, sir.Copy !req
1191. - What is it?
- Somebody's barricaded the doors.Copy !req
1192. Wait a minute.Copy !req
1193. What?Copy !req
1194. - Well, break it in.
- Watch this. You'll get a kick out of this.Copy !req
1195. We'll see about this.Copy !req
1196. Yo, Ray.Copy !req
1197. This isn't gonna stop me, Mr. Goldman.Copy !req
1198. I got him right where I want him.Copy !req
1199. No. Jacob.Copy !req
1200. Got it, Pop. Just like you said.Copy !req
1201. - You don't understand.
- No, no, it's good. I can handle it.Copy !req
1202. I'm Jacob Goldman, Mayor of Wabasha.Copy !req
1203. Jacob! No! Ha, ha.Copy !req
1204. I've got a 30-day cease and desist
order says you can't touch this house.Copy !req
1205. Jacob.Copy !req
1206. Very well.Copy !req
1207. Whoa.Copy !req
1208. But, you...Copy !req
1209. - Jacob?
- Hey, Mel.Copy !req
1210. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
1211. - Wow, you look great.
- Thanks, so do you.Copy !req
1212. No, no, I mean it.Copy !req
1213. People always try to be nice
by saying you look great but, uh...Copy !req
1214. you really do look great.Copy !req
1215. - I feel good.
- Yeah. So how are you?Copy !req
1216. I'm good, Jacob.Copy !req
1217. Yeah. Listen,
I'm, uh, sorry about the, uh...Copy !req
1218. - Divorce. Yeah, thanks.
- Right.Copy !req
1219. I mean, I'm just glad
it's over and done with.Copy !req
1220. Yeah. Yeah, you must be.Copy !req
1221. - Ready for this?
- No, not really.Copy !req
1222. Listen, Mel, if you need someone
to talk to tonight...Copy !req
1223. I'm staying at Pop's.Copy !req
1224. Thanks, Jacob. I'd like that.Copy !req
1225. Hey, you two!Copy !req
1226. Get your asses in here!Copy !req
1227. - I guess it's time.
- Yeah.Copy !req
1228. - Where have you been?
- Relax, Pop. You nervous?Copy !req
1229. Not nervous. The groom is nervous.Copy !req
1230. - I'm not nervous, schmuck.
- Don't call me a schmuck, you putz.Copy !req
1231. Fellas, you're in a church.Copy !req
1232. Wait, wait!
Ain't you forgetting something?Copy !req
1233. Oh! Grandpa!Copy !req
1234. Okay, that'll do it.Copy !req
1235. Yeah. That'll do it, Dad!
I think that'll do it.Copy !req
1236. - Okay, here we go.
- Oh, wow!Copy !req
1237. - Oh, Max, you're the greatest.
Thank you.Copy !req
1238. Thank you.Copy !req
1239. - I love you.
Goodbye, pumpkin.Copy !req
1240. - Bye, Jacob.
- Have fun.Copy !req
1241. Hey, Gustafson. Here's a house.Copy !req
1242. Jacob got them to waive
the penalties and interest...Copy !req
1243. and I took care of the 13 grand.Copy !req
1244. Wipe the smile off your face,
because it's just a loan.Copy !req
1245. And I'll lay 8-to-5 you can't get it up
the entire honeymoon.Copy !req
1246. Oh! You're on.Copy !req
1247. I got a sure winner.Copy !req
1248. You smell something?Copy !req
1249. What is that?Copy !req
1250. - That dirty son of a...
- Ugh.Copy !req
1251. What a putz.Copy !req
1252. What do you feel like tonight, Pop,
Leno or Letterman?Copy !req
1253. Tell me about it in the morning, Jacob.Copy !req
1254. Oh. Where are you going?Copy !req
1255. The Daughters of the American Revolution
are having a little dance at the VFW.Copy !req
1256. Maybe I'll get lucky. Don't wait up for me.Copy !req
1257. Hi, Jacob.
Hey, Mel.Copy !req
1258. - What you got there?
Broccoli.Copy !req
1259. Holy moly.
Ha, ha.Copy !req
1260. Marker.Copy !req
1261. He's in. He's in.Copy !req
1262. Looks like he's gonna enter
the holy of holies.Copy !req
1263. - Huh?
- Coitus uninterruptus.Copy !req
1264. I throw back
what I'm not gonna eat.Copy !req
1265. Oh, yeah, like that 40-pound muskie
you're always yakking about.Copy !req
1266. It's a shame that... That, um...Copy !req
1267. Your uncle has a fish market
on 23rd Street and 14th Avenue.Copy !req
1268. - And, uh...
26th. 26th Street, you dummy.Copy !req
1269. - Ah, you schmuck.
Marker.Copy !req
1270. Yeah. It looks like Chuck's
slipping her the old salami.Copy !req
1271. - Oh, Jesus, Dad!
- Ha, ha!Copy !req
1272. - Oh, hello.
- Hello.Copy !req
1273. I'm Ronald Reagan. I used to be
President of the United States.Copy !req
1274. - I live across the street over there.
- Yes. Yes, come in.Copy !req
1275. I was also in the movies
for a while. I was a lousy actor.Copy !req
1276. Looks like Chuck's gonna
put the hot dog in the bun.Copy !req
1277. - Oh, Jesus, Dad.
- Oh.Copy !req
1278. - That's why I came down.
- Yeah, well, spit it out.Copy !req
1279. - Don't shout.
- I'm not shouting.Copy !req
1280. Bust my tuchus to get here
on New Year's Eve...Copy !req
1281. or Christmas,
or whatever the **** it is.Copy !req
1282. Ha-ha-ha!
- And, uh...Copy !req
1283. Looks like Chuck's a tomcat on the prowl.Copy !req
1284. I got a pinched sciatica that would make
your lumbago look like eye strain.Copy !req
1285. Pain. He... Is it...? Does he?Copy !req
1286. Would he? Is he...Copy !req
1287. - Yes, he is.
- Is he...?Copy !req
1288. Looks like Chuck is taking
the old log to the beaver.Copy !req
1289. Looks like Chuck's gonna bury his boner.Copy !req
1290. Yeah, that's right, you're a moron.Copy !req
1291. If you hadn't had Amy...Copy !req
1292. It looks like Chuck is taking
the skinboat to tuna town.Copy !req
1293. Looks like Chuck is taking a ride
on the wild bologna pony.Copy !req
1294. Who left?Copy !req
1295. If I knew there was a nude scene
in this picture...Copy !req
1296. I would've asked
for another million.Copy !req
1297. Slate it.Copy !req