Grindhouse (2007)

1. They called him Machete.

2. Seventy dollars a day for yard work, a hundred for roofing.

3. Get in.

4. - One-twenty-five for septic. Sewage. - Have you ever killed anyone before?

5. As you may know, illegal aliens, such as yourself,

6. are being forced out of our country at an alarming rate.

7. For the good of both our people... our new senator must die.

8. And for that, I will pay you $150,000... cash.

9. He was given an offer he couldn't refuse.

10. I cost the most... because I'm the best there is.

11. Set up, double-crossed and left for dead.

12. I took a vow of peace, and now you want me to help you kill all these men?

13. Yes, bro.

14. I mean, Padre.

15. I'll see what I can do.

16. He knows the score.

17. Where are my wife and daughter?

18. He gets the women.

19. - And he kills the bad guys. - No!

20. Oh, shit.

21. You mean that a Mexican day laborer is a goddamn Federale?

22. - But they soon realized...

23. He's coming after us.

24. they just fucked with the wrong Mexican.

25. - Action...

26. - ... suspense...

27. - ... emotion. - Please, Father, have mercy.

28. God has mercy. I don't.

29. If you're gonna hire Machete to kill the bad guy,

30. you'd better make damn sure the bad guy isn't you.

31. Machete.

32. Rated X.

33. Brought to you from your friends at the Weinstein Company.

34. You're real pretty tonight, Holly.

35. Goddamn it, girls! If you're gonna do that shit, do it on stage!

36. Smoking hot. Phew.

37. Cherry Darling, I told you too many fucking times,

38. you can't be up there crying and all that shit.

39. Do you know what a go-go dance is?

40. - Useless talent number 12? - No, it's a happy dance.

41. Get up there and you dance happy. It's go-go, not cry-cry.

42. I'm quitting.

43. You say that at least one night a week.

44. I mean it this time. I need a dramatic change in my life.

45. I've always said you're funny,

46. but if you don't stop crying, I'm gonna fire your ass.

47. I don't want to fire your ass because I like looking at your ass.

48. "Any girl leaving early must check out with their finger

49. and have a bye-bye slip."

50. Here's my finger.

51. And here's my bye-bye slip.

52. We need some cash.

53. Dick! Fuck!

54. Aah!

55. Ass-bag!

56. Ow!

57. - All right, boys. Come on.

58. All right, all right. Come on. You guys know the drill, huh?

59. Wait here, lieutenant. I'll handle this.

60. Hey, Abby.

61. I can see you've had a spot of trouble, Romy.

62. Would you like to tell me what happened?

63. Uh, they escaped.

64. All three?

65. Yeah. I don't know, uh... I don't know how they did it. Just, they got out...

66. I'm sorry, Romy, but I just don't trust you anymore.

67. And you know the rules.

68. Oh, no. I'm out. I swear, Abby, you're not gonna see me anymore.

69. - OK? - Not so fast.

70. I also want your balls.

71. I'm really quite attached to them.

72. Oh, sweetheart. I was really attached to my specimens.

73. And now they're out there in the night doing God knows what.

74. I can't do it, Abby, please. Please, Abby.

75. Hey, hey! What are you guys...?

76. You son of a bitch, Abby! Listen! You don't need Abby. There's more!

77. There's more! I could get you all you ever need!

78. Motherfucking pussies! Let me go, you son of a bitch!

79. I can get you more! No! No!

80. Pick this up, please.

81. Where's the shit?

82. The shit's right there. The deal is still good.

83. No, it's not.

84. You held out on me.

85. Now I want all of it.

86. It looks like I got you by the balls, Abby.

87. - You certainly have. - So...

88. I'll ask you one more time.

89. Where's...

90. the...

91. shit?

92. Everywhere!

93. Oh, balls.

94. Get that thing away from my pumps!

95. It's just overheating! I need to get to town.

96. It's just a stripped radiator cap.

97. - Water leaks when it heats up.

98. No pressure.

99. - Are you OK? - I'm just cherry.

100. Go on and have a seat anywhere. I'll be right in.

101. - Here, take this with you. - Not your good spring water.

102. Ain't nothing good about it. I bottle it myself.

103. I get it right there out of the dam.

104. - Thanks, JT. - We're serving inside tonight.

105. Best barbeque in Texas round the clock.

106. - I gotta go. - Saving lives, are ya?

107. Now how did you know that?

108. Now that's a rump roast.

109. I couldn't get off work this week. But you only have to stay till ten.

110. A friend will be here before ten to pick up Tony.

111. What did I tell you? No playing with toys at the table.

112. - Didn't I tell you that? - Yeah.

113. There's a packed suitcase under his bed.

114. Give it to Tony to take with him when my friend picks him up.

115. I'll leave him watching TV.

116. But you need to be here in the next 20 minutes. Thank you.

117. - What happened to your tooth? - Fell out.

118. Wow. Think you could say a prayer for your old man?

119. - No dead bodies for Da-da tonight. - No dead bodies for Dad tonight. Amen.

120. Amen.

121. - Who was that you were talking to? - Babysitter. She's on her way.

122. - You believe her? - No.

123. Me neither.

124. - Hey. - [JT] Hey.

125. - How's it going, JT? - All right.

126. - Still open, I see. - Oh, yeah. All night.

127. - [JT] Free of charge.

128. Tonight is a special night.

129. - What's so special about tonight? - Been open 25 years.

130. You're the second person to show up tonight.

131. - Who's the first? - Right there.

132. Must be passing through. Seems only strangers eat here.

133. I still eat here, JT.

134. Oh, yeah, you sure do.

135. By the way, don't choke on all that food you're eating.

136. Hello, Palomita.

137. I don't go by that name anymore.

138. So, you ever become that fancy doctor?

139. Never did.

140. Thought for sure you would. You talked about it enough.

141. That's the problem with goals, they become the thing you talk about

142. instead of the thing you do.

143. That's my jacket.

144. I looked for it for two weeks.

145. - How long did you look for me, Wray? - Jacket belonged to me, you didn't.

146. So, um... what are you doing now?

147. I'm going to be a stand-up comedian.

148. Really?

149. You're not funny.

150. That's what I've been trying to tell everybody, but they say I'm hysterical.

151. But you're not.

152. There's a difference between being frank and being dick.

153. Yeah, well, it's really good seeing you again.

154. Oh, um...

155. what name do you go by now? In case I wanna catch one of your shows.

156. Cherry.

157. Cherry Darling.

158. Sounds like a stripper.

159. No, it sounds like a go-go dancer. There's a difference.

160. Right.

161. Well... you'll always be Palomita to me.

162. I need a ride.

163. What do you say El Wray?

164. I'll give you a ride.

165. Goodbye, Bill.

166. - Don't you mean "See you later?" - Of course.

167. Hey, what's up, doc?

168. Little lady's looking pretty good there.

169. Looks like she could suck the bend out of a river. I'm kidding.

170. - Look at that shit. - What happened to your arm?

171. - Well, uh... I got bit. - Bit? Bit by what?

172. Well, if I told you, you probably wouldn't believe me.

173. Got some Bactine or something?

174. Ooh. Can't you just sew it up?

175. Well, normally, I would. I'd even be doing something to stop the bleeding.

176. - Problem is, this one doesn't bleed. - Oh, shit. Check this out.

177. At this old military hospital, this one guy came back from Iraq with this.

178. Ooh, chronic herpetic lesions.

179. When he urinated it came out through these holes here, like a fountain.

180. Oh, Jesus. How'd you treat it?

181. Fuck that. I was never in Iraq.

182. Good for you. The shit they spread around there you wouldn't believe.

183. I got Iraqi eyeballs a friend of mine brought back to do some studies on.

184. Incredible. They were completely milked over, mustard gas.

185. Actually, I still have those in my fridge.

186. - It's a botfly, you think? - Chronic, viral, ulcerative lesion.

187. That looks like gout.

188. - He's running a temperature of 105. - Is that bad?

189. - It's high. - Bad would be 108.

190. You can have a seizure, go psychotic...

191. and probably die.

192. - Say "ahh." - Aah.

193. - Oh! Jesus! - Oh, nice. Black abscess tongue.

194. All abscesses should be drained, period.

195. - What are you doing? - Shut up, Joe.

196. - Baby, get the needles.

197. - Be right there. - Right now.

198. Asshole.

199. It's spreading.

200. Holy shit.

201. When did you say you got this bite?

202. - Just now. - We gotta lose the arm, Joe.

203. - Lose the arm? What do you mean? - It's spreading to your shoulder.

204. If we don't sever that arm now, it's gonna take over your chest,

205. and we can't cut that off.

206. Well, shouldn't I get a second opinion?

207. Hi, Joe.

208. I'm going to give you a very strong anesthetic

209. so you won't feel anything during the procedure. These...

210. are my friends. My yellow friend...

211. - ... is just to take the sting off. - Ah!

212. My blue friend... you'll barely feel.

213. That means my yellow friend is already taking effect.

214. See how fast my friends work?

215. And after my red-headed friend...

216. you'll never see me again.

217. They all react differently.

218. - Now what?

219. Dedicated to Jungle Julia, in loving memory.

220. It's not the radiator.

221. Damn it!

222. Fucking thing. Cheap!

223. Hey! Hey, hey!

224. Bastard! Bastard!

225. - Hey! Hey!

226. - Get outta the road, bitch!

227. Stop! Stop! Please! Stop!

228. - No! No!

229. - No!

230. What the hell is that?

231. - People picking up roadkill. - What, like an armadillo?

232. Deer. We get a lot of them around here.

233. You know, I read a statistic that said

234. that the eating of venison has risen 30 percent in the last few years.

235. Sixty percent of that's from roadkill.

236. People eat roadkill?

237. If you're driving out here at 70 miles an hour

238. and a deer darts out in front of you,

239. if you blink or brake or swerve, shit, you'll just kill yourself.

240. - So, what do you do? - Pick 'em off. Just like this.

241. - Send it flying away from you. - Unacceptable.

242. Oh, fuck!

243. Cherry.

244. I thought you said if you saw a deer you shouldn't fucking swerve!

245. That wasn't a deer.

246. - Cherry! Cherry! No!

247. - Ah!

248. Palomita.

249. - Don't let her die on me, Block. - What do we got?

250. Car accident, heavy contusions about the torso, possible spinal trauma...

251. one severed limb.

252. Where's the leg?

253. Three sickos attacked her. I shot at them.

254. I never miss.

255. They took the leg with them.

256. You have to come with us, Wray. We need to talk about this.

257. - He has to sign her in. - Do what now?

258. He's with her. He's responsible for her.

259. He can fill this out after we talk. Let's go.

260. What are you doing with a rifle, Wray?

261. Nothing. Was thinking about maybe doing some hunting when the season breaks.

262. Come on, Wray. You know you're not supposed to be doing that stuff anymore.

263. Here I stick my neck out for ya.

264. Now you've got a gal in your wrecked truck with a missing leg?

265. A missing leg that's now missing?

266. And here you're saying in front of everybody someone up and snatched it?

267. And that you shot them with a gun you never should've had in the first place?

268. And that now they're gone?

269. Can we finish this conversation somewhere else?

270. My thought exactly.

271. Dr. Block, three fresh ones rolling in.

272. - Christ, you're kidding. - Automobile accident off Highway 18.

273. DOAs? Have Andy pick them up.

274. - That's unsanitary, doc. - Helps me monitor my state of calmness.

275. Don't get worked up enough to crack it.

276. - Fuck! - Might cut yourself pretty good.

277. Then I would know I was not calm.

278. What do you say now, doc?

279. - Somebody call my wife.

280. - Sheriff Hague. - [JT] It's JT, sheriff.

281. JT, how's the barbecue business?

282. Ever since my bastard landlord raised the rent, it's gone to shit.

283. I'm real sorry to hear about that. I wish there was something I could do.

284. Right now, I ain't calling my brother, I'm calling the sheriff.

285. I'm listening. What's the trouble?

286. [JT] There ain't no trouble, not yet, anyway.

287. I got two delinquents been hanging around here for over an hour.

288. They won't purchase, and they won't leave.

289. - Never mind, here they come. - You cook that meat at 250 degrees?

290. I don't remember. I set the heat with my hand.

291. Give me that recipe or I'll raise your rent higher than a Georgia pine.

292. Brother, ain't no Texan's ever gonna give you his BBQ recipe.

293. That's a fact. He'll take it to his grave.

294. I could be bleeding like a stuck pig, I ain't gonna tell ya.

295. I could be dying in your arms, I ain't gonna tell ya.

296. We'll see about that.

297. You gonna look, or are you gonna eat?

298. - You called for me? - I need for you to see this.

299. - Looks like a no-brainer. - What does that mean?

300. No brain. Scooped clean out of her skull.

301. I know what this is. Don't tell me. Liquefactive necrosis.

302. - You think? - Oh, sure.

303. Thank you, that'll be all.

304. Did you know she was back in town?

305. No.

306. I didn't.

307. What happened to her?

308. I don't know, baby.

309. I thought you stopped seeing each other.

310. We have.

311. Well, yes, you have now. She's fucking dead.

312. I mean, we stopped before.

313. I haven't talked to her in a while.

314. But you've written each other?

315. Here and there.

316. But nothing...

317. What're you doing?

318. Let me see your last three messages.

319. - You have no right. - I don't?

320. I don't have a right?

321. Show it to me.

322. - Show it to me. - No.

323. Ahh!

324. Now that's just to take the sting off.

325. - Show it to me. - No, please.

326. - Show it to me!

327. Now let's see how fast your friends work.

328. That's pretty fast.

329. Oh, what do I know, my love?

330. Exactly.

331. That you're a cheating, lying...

332. sack.

333. - I didn't want to hurt you. - But you did.

334. Because you're insane.

335. And I was afraid of what you might do to me...

336. to our son.

337. I'm the mother of your son.

338. Ah!

339. And after this one...

340. I'll never see you again.

341. - Dr. Block? - What?

342. - You've gotta see this. - I'll be right there.

343. Where the hell are the bodies?

344. That's what we wanted to show you. They're gone.

345. They didn't just get up and walk out, did they?

346. Shut the fuck up! Somebody take care of this perp for me

347. - before I fucking kill him! - What the hell is going on?

348. He was causing a ruckus over at Skip's place, so I cuffed him,

349. and the son of a bitch, he bit my goddamn finger off!

350. Quit your hollering and get yourself a goddamn Band-Aid.

351. I'm not exaggerating, using colorful speech. He bit my finger clean off!

352. Fucking shit!

353. Get out there and book him. I'll fucking kill him if I have to do it.

354. Carlos, go get him.

355. Wray, you stay put.

356. - Are you sure he's in there? - He was.

357. Motherfucker.

358. He's gone.

359. - Broke out the window. - Where's my finger?

360. Found your ring.

361. Could it be the same guy as your leg snatcher?

362. I didn't get a good look at mine.

363. That him over there?

364. - Wray!

365. Fuck.

366. You motherfucker!

367. - No, don't touch him! - Why not?

368. - He's infected. - With what?

369. - Everything. - Wray!

370. Drop the fucking gun.

371. Where the fuck do you think you're going?

372. - I'm gonna go get Cherry. - Fine, but we're taking my car.

373. - I'm riding with you.

374. Don't make any sudden moves.

375. - Viral infections.

376. - They came pouring in.

377. Some are rapidly developing coliform lesions. Highly contagious.

378. - What do you think? - Self-preservation comes to mind.

379. Yeah. Let's get the hell out of here.

380. First, let me get my wife.

381. I love you, sweetie. There you go, bunny rabbit. Come on, come on.

382. Open up now.

383. I want you to be around for a while.

384. I don't want you checking out just...

385. Damn!

386. Ramona...

387. you fart like a goddamn pack mule since I've been back, goddamn!

388. Hate to do this to you, Earl! But we need every man on the job!

389. The shit has hit the fan!

390. Bring some guns and ammo!

391. Meet me at my brother's!

392. - I gotcha. I'll be there.

393. You gotta eat quick, sweetie. Come on.

394. - Oh, my.

395. Ah!

396. Oh, my God.

397. What the hell is going on?

398. - Are you gonna give me a gun? - Are you fucking kidding me?

399. Palomita?

400. - Get up. We're leaving. - I can't walk.

401. So what? Get up!

402. - Get...

403. Motherfucker! Look at me!

404. Look at me!

405. I was gonna be a stand-up comedian. Who's gonna laugh now?

406. Some of the best jokes are about cripples. Let's go.

407. - It's not funny. It's pathetic. - Would you stop crying over fucking...

408. - ... spilt milk? - I have no leg!

409. Now you do. What do you think?

410. - You could carry me, Wray. - Yeah? You never wanted that before.

411. Why start now?

412. Ahh!

413. This is fucking ridiculous.

414. The sheriff must've taken the others to JT's. Get in!

415. Goddamn it, wait for me.

416. - My leg's stuck in the door. - It's just wood.

417. - It's splintering! - Will you just leave it alone?

418. Why is this happening to me?

419. Just do me a favor right now and just stay strong.

420. Stay?

421. Yeah, baby, stay.

422. OK, my name is Electra. Fucking listen.

423. - It's furry.

424. It's a furry one.

425. El for Electra, Ame from Amelia. Does that make any fucking sense?

426. You can call me whatever the fuck you want. I don't give a shit.

427. - You said ten! - I'm sorry.

428. We can't be watching your kid all goddamned night!

429. Your friend never showed up, and we got shit to do!

430. That's right.

431. Then start doing it.

432. Tony! We're leaving!

433. - Wait, my tarantula. - Bring it, let's go.

434. And my turtle. And my scorpion.

435. We're not octopuses. We can't carry everything.

436. - Octopi. - Come on! Let's go.

437. Tony, what did I tell you? You can't bring them all. Didn't I tell you that?

438. It's OK. They can live in the same tank.

439. - What about my pocket bike? - It's in the trunk.

440. Where you think you're going, you fucking bitch?

441. We're gonna fucking kill you!

442. We're gonna kill you, bitch!

443. Are you sure you wanna do this?

444. Everybody grab a badge and a gun. You're all deputies,

445. as of this moment forward, except for you, Wray.

446. Nope.

447. - What do we got? - Something's wrong up there.

448. JT always comes out and greets. Let's go!

449. Try not to shoot yourselves.

450. Don't shoot each other.

451. But especially...

452. don't shoot me.

453. JT!

454. Go on! Get off him, Rusty!

455. Goddamn, JT.

456. - Yah!

457. Ehh!

458. - Barbeque?

459. Asshole.

460. - Damn good sausage link, JT. - Best in Texas.

461. Must've passed out after I killed those things.

462. Nice shooting.

463. Everybody, gather up supplies. We head out in 20.

464. I want you to open that for Mommy.

465. Now, take the gun.

466. Careful.

467. And if anyone comes to the door that isn't me,

468. I want you to shoot them, OK?

469. I'm not kidding, Tony. You shoot them.

470. Just like your video games.

471. You shoot them in the head.

472. What if it's Dad?

473. Especially if it's your dad.

474. And be careful where you point that thing.

475. You'll blow your own face off. I'll be right back.

476. I love you.

477. Tony!

478. Hello, baby.

479. Open!

480. Look what you did to our son!

481. Stay away!

482. Goddamn it, I told you I didn't want to see you again.

483. Daddy!

484. Get your sorry ass in here!

485. If it's escape vehicles you want, escape vehicles I got.

486. Right this way.

487. Watch that meat!

488. Meet my wife.

489. Jesse James custom Dominator.

490. I made Jesse a plate of barbeque so good,

491. he made this baby for me free of fucking charge.

492. Got anything that could transport more people?

493. - Where's the top? - Baby's chopped permanently.

494. Ain't got no roll bar, chicken wire, none of that shit.

495. - No protection. - And she's fast.

496. Nitrous injected, 350 horsepower engine.

497. Who are you? I mean really. Wray's Wreckage?

498. That's what it says on your truck.

499. Are you a wrecker, Wray?

500. I'm nobody.

501. It's the easiest thing to remember.

502. So remember it.

503. Hey, you want some barbeque?

504. - Best in Texas. - Aw, no thanks.

505. - What's the matter? You don't eat meat? - Oh, I eat meat.

506. I also eat lots of shit.

507. - See this? - What's that?

508. Shit-eating grin.

509. You ought to be a comedian.

510. - What do you think of the leg? - Oh, that's funny.

511. How's your stump?

512. They knocked it out something fierce. Still can't feel a thing.

513. This must be the real Bone Shack.

514. - Old JT knows how to live. - Like fuck he does.

515. - I like how you say "fuck." - Good. Fuck you.

516. Fuck me?

517. Oh, so now you're the comedian. Go ahead. Drop your pants.

518. That'll be good for a laugh.

519. I highly doubt that.

520. - That's my jacket. - Yes, I know.

521. I looked for it for two weeks.

522. Look, you were being an unbelievable dick.

523. I was walking out on you.

524. I was cold. I took your fucking jacket.

525. So if you're gonna go on one of your psycho, obsessive controlling rants

526. about a jacket, then fucking take it.

527. 'Cause I'd rather fucking freeze than fucking hear about it one more time.

528. - Did you find what was in the pocket? - Fuck no.

529. Look for it.

530. No, the other one.

531. I was gonna give it to you, but you left me.

532. You took the jacket.

533. And I looked for it for two weeks.

534. Read it.

535. "Two against the world."

536. Remember that?

537. I never forgot it.

538. Why'd you leave?

539. Because you didn't believe in us or in me.

540. I figured one of the new deputies might end up shooting me,

541. - but not you, Tolo! - Sorry! I'm sorry.

542. - Dumb-ass. - You're gonna be all right.

543. McGraw is here and a whole bunch of others.

544. Come on! Move your ass! Come on!

545. What did I tell you, Tony?

546. Don't point the gun at yourself.

547. Didn't I tell you that?

548. Thank you for telling me about... you know.

549. Don't mention it. That's an order.

550. If I had known that you were...

551. El Wray, I wouldn't have given you such a hard time.

552. I didn't mean to be a prick about it.

553. "Need to know basis," that kind of shit.

554. Take this.

555. Do what you do best.

556. No, you're not. Don't give him the gun.

557. Give him the gun, Tolo.

558. Give him that gun.

559. Give him all the guns.

560. Holy shit.

561. That boy's got the devil in him.

562. We gotta fight them off. Get to our vehicles.

563. - All right. - All right.

564. Everyone behind me.

565. - [growling, grunting]

566. Outside, now!

567. Goddamn you!

568. - Everybody back inside!

569. You, Skip, front and center.

570. Go out front, start up the Kill Dozer.

571. We need it to transport the other survivors.

572. You fucking crazy? I'm not going out there.

573. - I'll cover you. - I'm not going.

574. - I never miss. - Come on, Skip.

575. It's go-go, not cry-cry.

576. Cherry!

577. Oh, dear.

578. JT! You take whoever you can fit in your convertible!

579. Everyone else on board!

580. - Skip, grab the twins! Come on with me! - You take the chopper.

581. - I need someone else to drive my truck! - I'll do it.

582. You're bleeding like a stuck pig, your vision is blurred,

583. - and you're on your last leg. - Anything else?

584. Don't wreck it.

585. Somebody grab the slaw. It ain't no barbeque without coleslaw!

586. - I need a gun! - Take this.

587. Fucking cool!

588. All right, y'all, head out. I'll hold 'em off.

589. I can take care of myself.

590. Bye, daddy.

591. Remember how to ride a bike?

592. - Useless talent number 32.

593. Good. Anyone else have a car?

594. You sure you're OK driving this thing?

595. Hell, yeah.

596. Dakota! We're sorry about Tony.

597. Thanks.

598. You're engine is shot and you've got three blown tires.

599. But I've got a pocket bike in the trunk.

600. - Is it fast? - Zero to 50 in four seconds.

601. You ride with her.

602. - I'm Cherry. - You sure are.

603. Move out!

604. Damn shame.

605. - Rusty!

606. - Goddamn it!

607. Sheriff, how much ammo we got?

608. Not enough.

609. Don't shoot! We're not infected!

610. All survivors gotta come with us.

611. Especially you...

612. El Wray.

613. I don't go by that name anymore.

614. It's OK. It's OK.

615. We're here in quarantine with the other survivors.

616. Where is here?

617. The old Army base.

618. El Wray?

619. That you?

620. He's with them. I saw him in their convoy earlier.

621. I'm a scientist and a businessman. Not military.

622. Which is why he's gonna tell us what the fuck is going on.

623. They're stealing biochemical weapons.

624. - DC-2? - Also known as Project Terror.

625. Designed to take out an entire populace in a controlled, landlocked area.

626. You were supplying it to them.

627. So why'd they shut you out?

628. They found my supply. It's under our feet.

629. Ten stories down.

630. The only treatment is a regimented exposure to DC-2, itself.

631. - Delays the negative effects. - They need it.

632. - Like a drug. - Correct. We found that

633. a small percentage of people are not affected by the gas itself.

634. And within this small percentage lies a cure.

635. What do you want to do?

636. Mexico.

637. Put our backs against the ocean and defend ourselves from there.

638. No. We have to get back to my lab.

639. This infection will spread all over the world

640. to every man, woman and child, unless I finish my antidote.

641. - You have an antidote?

642. You! You! Come with us.

643. Move it! Move it, Peggy!

644. - You like Ava Gardner? - Sorry?

645. Ava Gardner, do you like her?

646. Yeah, I guess.

647. I was just thinking that you, uh...

648. kind of look like Ava Gardner a little bit.

649. You got something you wanna say to me?

650. I have nothing to say to you.

651. You got nothing to say, huh? That's funny.

652. 'Cause I could've swore you just gave me a "fuck you" look right now.

653. You wanna say "fuck you" to me?

654. Not at this moment.

655. Do you know what this is?

656. - A gun. - It's simplicity itself.

657. You see, you point it at what you want to die,

658. and you pull the little trigger here, and a little bullet comes outta here.

659. And the little bullet hits you right there.

660. And you know what?

661. You don't look like Ava Gardner no more.

662. Don't taunt me, tramp.

663. I am not one to be taunted. You got it?

664. Let me hear you say "I got it."

665. - I got it. - You damn well better.

666. Tool.

667. That's it. I figured it out.

668. Salt. Got it all figured out. It's salt.

669. Blood is salty. That's all my sauce needed was just a little more salt.

670. Just needed a little thickening agent, you know what I'm talking about.

671. - What are you doing, JT? - [JT] I gotta put more salt in it.

672. Do the same goddamned thing the blood did.

673. Tell you what, brother, that little bit of blood did the trick.

674. Don't do nothing stupid, JT. I got it covered.

675. It's already got my sweat and tears. Now all it needs is some blood!

676. - Drop the gun! - JT!

677. - Do it now! - OK, OK. Don't shoot!

678. JT, you all right?

679. You all right, bro?

680. Goddamn it, I'm not all right at all. Not at all.

681. - Wait here. - Oh, I sure will.

682. Goddamn sauce.

683. Women in cages.

684. See them in action.

685. See them in love.

686. See them in terror.

687. White skin on the black market.

688. Soft flesh for hard cash.

689. Women in cages.

690. I'm gonna go get my dick wet.

691. She's got one leg.

692. Easier access.

693. You got a point.

694. Get the rest of this shit upstairs, and we'll blow this entire floor.

695. Get Lewis down here.

696. - He's getting his dick wet, sir. - Get him the fuck down here now!

697. - [clicks on walkie-talkie] - Lewis? Wilson?

698. - Where are my men? - I've got several right here.

699. - What the fuck's this?

700. They're balls, sweetheart.

701. I'm walking out of here with the shit, Wray.

702. - Let us go. - Tell me why we should.

703. - Because I earned it. - How you figure that?

704. You want the story? I'll spin it for you quick.

705. A termite's nest of caves on the Afghan border,

706. me and my men, walking around with our dicks in our hands

707. and our balls in our throats, looking for America's most wanted.

708. - Bin Laden? - Yeah.

709. For once, our intel was right on the money. I come around a corner, bam,

710. - there he is, looking me in the eyes. - Wait. You killed Bin Laden?

711. I put two in his heart, one in his computer.

712. - So that was you? - Yeah, that was me.

713. Class-A clusterfuck. He wasn't supposed to be there,

714. we weren't supposed to be there, and I sure as fuck

715. wasn't supposed to be the one to punch his dialysis ticket.

716. So instead of a chest full of medals, we got a face full of DC-2.

717. No cure.

718. That is not until we found somebody from the other side

719. willing to sell us batches of this shit.

720. Science comes first, but business comes a close fucking second.

721. Then you realized if you could infect a large enough populace,

722. experiment on its survivors, you'd find a cure.

723. I swore to my men that I'd do everything in my power to keep them alive.

724. That's what I intend to do, Wray.

725. Understand?

726. I never had a choice.

727. Neither do I, sir.

728. God bless you and your service to this country.

729. - You're a doctor?

730. I was earlier tonight.

731. I always wanted to be a doctor.

732. Instead, I can do this.

733. Useless talent number 66.

734. - I'm very pliable. - A girlfriend of mine had a theory.

735. She said at some point in your life...

736. you find a use for every useless talent you ever had.

737. - It's like connecting the dots. - I'm not that optimistic.

738. I feel like I'm sinking down the drain and I can't get out.

739. She'd say... when you're stuck in that spiral...

740. you reach up.

741. What if there's nothing up there?

742. Just reach up.

743. - You're a dancer. - I was earlier tonight.

744. Well, I'm pulling you out of retirement!

745. Get your ass up!

746. Now I'm starved for entertainment, baby, and that means you. Radio!

747. Well, baby, now!

748. That's what I'm talking about. Dance it up.

749. Keep dancing!

750. I have seen me some crazy-ass shit in my day...

751. but I ain't never seen me a one-legged stripper.

752. I've seen me a stripper with one breast...

753. and I've seen me a stripper with 12 toes...

754. and I've seen me a stripper with no brains at all...

755. but I ain't never seen me a one-legged stripper.

756. And I've been to Morocco.

757. Dance, bitch!

758. Break a leg.

759. Break it off!

760. - Dance for me, motherfucker.

761. You thought it was pretty funny, didn't you?

762. Actually, yes.

763. You gave me some wood, now I'm gonna give you...

764. some fucking wood!

765. Your gas! You need your gas!

766. No, fuck the gas! Fuck it! I'm just gonna have to make this quick!

767. - Where did you get that? - Useless talent number 37.

768. - I broke my leg. - That's OK.

769. I made you something.

770. I do believe in you. Always have.

771. I believe that you could be better.

772. You deserve better...

773. even better than me.

774. - Right now, I need you to become...

775. who you're meant to be.

776. Stand.

777. I'd stand clear if I were you.

778. Open that door, will you, baby?

779. They've destroyed most of the tanks.

780. Any that are left we'll get on our way to the helicopters.

781. There are two helicopters, big enough to take all of us.

782. Who can fly?

783. Can anyone else fly a helicopter?

784. I can fly, but no way in hell I'm gonna fly tonight.

785. OK, cool. I'll fly.

786. Let's go.

787. I think we're gonna stay here, Wray.

788. You'll take care of this for me then, sheriff?

789. - With pleasure. - Three minutes.

790. - Your brother's a good man, JT. - Best in Texas.

791. Hop on.

792. - No, the other way. - Oh.

793. No, the other way.

794. The helicopters are on the other side of this wall.

795. We make a run for it!

796. No! If we all get killed, there's no stopping this plague.

797. Don't you get it? We're the antidote!

798. - Well, is there another way around? - Wait here.

799. I don't suppose there are any other biochemical engineers around?

800. Take that as no.

801. We have to get over that wall.

802. I was thinking we could build us a new place right there where the old one was.

803. You cook, I work the back.

804. You don't make that rent so goddamn high.

805. You share the recipe, we share the rent.

806. Start at 250 degrees.

807. I knew it. For how long?

808. - Twelve pounds? - Sure.

809. Twelve pounds, 12 hours.

810. - Wrapped in tin foil, right? - I don't use no goddamn foil.

811. Damn. Tomatoes? Fresh?

812. Canned.

813. - No shit? - Yeah.

814. - Score me some? - Oh, yeah.

815. 'Cause we're brothers.

816. Thank you for this.

817. You just remember you got to take this recipe to your grave.

818. I think I can goddamn guarantee that.

819. That's our cue.

820. Cherry Darling...

821. it's all you.

822. Let's go!

823. Wray!

824. Damn it, Wray!

825. OK, you need to get up 'cause we're leaving.

826. They told me I'd find you here.

827. I was beginning to lose hope.

828. I'm sorry... but I lied.

829. I did wanna hurt you.

830. My turn.

831. No more dead bodies for Daddy tonight.

832. Never did like that son of a bitch.

833. About as useless as a pecker on a pope.

834. - Don't touch anything. - I want to fly it!

835. - He said not to touch anything! - You don't know what you're doing!

836. I do know what I'm doing! Shut up!

837. Shut up! Sit down and don't fucking touch anything!

838. Everybody sit down!

839. Whoo!

840. Hit the wipers.

841. - Go on, leave me. - I am not leaving you here like this.

842. The motherfuckers around here eat roadkill.

843. See? I'm funny.

844. - I made you laugh. - Go to the ocean.

845. Put your backs to it, protect yourselves there.

846. I'm not leaving you, Wray.

847. It's two against the world.

848. It will be.

849. I promise.

850. I never miss.

851. - Don't worry, baby.

852. You'll find your way.

853. Reach up!

854. Reach up!

855. It's like you said it would be, Wray.

856. I'm like you said I would be.

857. I find the lost...

858. the weary...

859. those that have no hope.

860. I find them and I lead them...

861. to a land we've made for ourselves.

862. The land by the sea.

863. It's beautiful.

864. She's beautiful.

865. I wish you could see us... us two.

866. It's like you said it would be.

867. Two against the world, baby.

868. Two against the world.

869. This film is a brilliant achievement in motion picture history.

870. Finally, the truth about Hitler's diabolical plans

871. to create a race of superwomen can be told...

872. Werewolf Women of the SS!

873. Welcome to Death Camp 13,

874. home of the Nazi's diabolical plan to create an army

875. of super-werewolf soldiers.

876. This project, it's failure...

877. will be your demise.

878. - And the end of Germany, Boorman. - Heil Hitler!

879. You have been chosen!

880. Rejoice!

881. I have found the perfect solution... the She-Devils of Belzac.

882. Can they, alone, supply the blood needed to save Hitler's mad dream?

883. Or, will the pride of Germany fall into ruin?

884. This is my project!

885. We are now in total control of pure wolf.

886. This is an outrage!

887. - Silence! - Featuring Udo Kier,

888. Sheri Moon Zombie,

889. Tom Towles,

890. Sybil Danning,

891. Bill Moseley...

892. and Nicolas Cage

893. as... Fu Manchu.

894. This is my Mecca!

895. Werewolf Women of the SS!

896. Written and directed by Rob Zombie.

897. If you...

898. are thinking...

899. of going...

900. into...

901. this house...

902. don't.

903. If you...

904. are thinking...

905. of opening...

906. this door...

907. don't.

908. If you...

909. are thinking...

910. of checking out...

911. the basement...

912. - ... don't.

913. Don't look behind...

914. Don't look in there...

915. Don't look up...

916. Don't look anywhere.

917. Don't scream for help.

918. - Don't move a muscle.

919. Don't even breathe.

920. Don't, don't, don't, don't,

921. don't, don't, don't,

922. don't, don't, don't,

923. don't, don't, don't,

924. don't, don't, don't,

925. don't, don't!

926. If you are thinking of seeing this film alone...

927. don't!

928. [narrator #2] 'Don't'.

929. This holiday season...

930. prepare to have the stuffing scared out of you.

931. Thanksgiving.

932. In the town of Plymouth, Massachusetts,

933. the fourth Thursday in November

934. is the most celebrated day of the year.

935. The table is set.

936. The festivities have begun.

937. One uninvited guest has arrived.

938. And this year, there will be no leftovers.

939. Thanksgiving.

940. White meat, dark meat... all will be carved.

941. Thanksgiving.

942. Come on, Judy, how about it?

943. - Happy Thanksgiving, baby.

944. Thanksgiving.

945. - Cool it, Judy!

946. You're safe.

947. Bobby's here.

948. It's blood.

949. Son of a bitch.

950. - Arrive hungry... - Happy Thanksgiving, Grandma!

951. - ... leave stuffed.

952. From Director Eli Roth...

953. Thanksgiving.

954. You'll come home for the holidays... in a body bag.

955. This February.

956. Get more out of life.

957. Go out to a movie.

958. Hold on, I've got to come up!

959. I've got to take the world's biggest fucking piss.

960. - We can't be late! - We won't!

961. - Who's holding? - If you're not, then nobody.

962. - We were kinda hoping you were. - How are you not holding?

963. Jesus Christ, Shanna, it is not my fucking job to supply y'all

964. - with weed when we go out. - Whoa, whoa, little lady...

965. You're getting angry kinda quick, don't you think? I was just teasing you.

966. I'm not angry. It just would be nice if y'all didn't just count on me

967. all the fucking time, and surprise me every once in a while with pot.

968. OK, mean girl in a high school movie, you through having a tantrum?

969. - I'm not having a tantrum. - All right, come on, guys. Don't fight.

970. I'll pay for it when we get some.

971. One, it's not about the money. It is about the pain in the ass of scoring.

972. And two... We're not really fighting.

973. Arlene, you've forgotten what hanging out with Jungle Julia is like.

974. That wasn't a fight. That was Julia acting like a grumpy bitch

975. and me calling her on it and indulging her at the same time.

976. Oh, billboard!

977. OK, is Christian Simonson gonna be there?

978. Bet your ass he is.

979. Christian Simonson, the filmmaker, is in town.

980. He's got a big thing for Julia.

981. If he had a big thing for me, he'd fucking call me

982. as opposed to disappearing for six months.

983. And he'd get his ass down here more often than he does.

984. And on my birthday, he'd give me a fucking phone call.

985. But other than that, he's putty in my hands.

986. So, what's the plan, man?

987. Margaritas and Mexican food at Guero's, touch base

988. with Chris and Jesse, tell them about later, and make damn sure they come.

989. Those other guys'll be waiting for us to join them at the Texas Chili Parlor.

990. Oh, shit. Speaking of which, what happened with you and Nate last night?

991. Well, you know, not much. We just fucking met each other.

992. If you don't bust their balls a bit, they never gonna respect you.

993. OK, we're clear on what it is you didn't do.

994. How about enlightening us on what it is you did do?

995. Nothing to write home about.

996. We just made out on the couch for about 20 minutes.

997. - Dress, half-dressed, or naked? - Dressed.

998. I said we made out, we didn't do "the thing."

999. Excuse me for living, but what is "the thing?"

1000. You know, it's everything but.

1001. - They call that "the thing?" - I call it "the thing."

1002. - Do guys like "the thing?" - They like it better than "no thing."

1003. OK, I want to get back to what it is you did do.

1004. So you're making out on the couch with Nate, right?

1005. Correct.

1006. - Whose couch, his or your hotel room? - What am I, stupid over here? Mine.

1007. Were you making out sitting up or lying down?

1008. We started sitting up,

1009. - we worked our way to lying down. - The plot thickens. Who was on top?

1010. I was straddling him.

1011. - So, what about tonight? - We'll see, Shanna.

1012. I mean, I like Nate and all. He's cute. He's a pretty good kisser.

1013. - But it ain't a done deal. - Ah, fuck Nate.

1014. He's cute and all but Jesse Letterman's gonna be all over her.

1015. - Jesse Letterman, the director? - He's a good friend.

1016. - Maybe they can bring some pot. - Fuck that. No!

1017. I don't want to be either, A: Depending on their fucking ass,

1018. or B: Dependant on their ass. Uh-uh. If we don't score ourselves,

1019. we're gonna be stuck with them all fucking night.

1020. - Oh! Try Lanna Frank. - Best idea you had all day.

1021. Oh, hey, that's your last billboard before Guero's.

1022. Oh, come on. Give me a break.

1023. Oh, come on, my ass. We said every time!

1024. OK.

1025. Jules, let me get a drag. Thanks!

1026. Hey, this is... my UT days, Arlene.

1027. - Hey. - Hey.

1028. - You want to join us? - For a second, I'm with some friends.

1029. Ooh...

1030. So you must be... must be... you must be the infamous Butterfly.

1031. Shh!

1032. - She don't know nothing about it. - Know about what?

1033. - When were y'all gonna tell her? - Soon.

1034. - Tell me what? - Now thanks to you,

1035. we gotta tell her sooner than later.

1036. Cut the shit. What the fuck is going on?

1037. I said a little something about you on the air today.

1038. Julia, what the fuck did you say about me on the radio?

1039. All I said was, I had a sexy friend named Butterfly

1040. who's in from out of town for the weekend.

1041. And we would be going out somewhere in Austin tonight.

1042. And if they were out on the town maybe they'd see us,

1043. and I described you, and I said that if they spotted you while we were out

1044. if they'd do something, you'd do something.

1045. OK, now Julia, I'm serious. What did you say and what did you say I'd do?

1046. Anyhoo, I could explain what I said, which would be boring,

1047. or Marcy over here, who is an incredible actress

1048. could act it out for you, which I think

1049. will give you a better idea of what you have in store for you.

1050. OK, so just tell me your way.

1051. - We'll act it out with Marcy? - Sure.

1052. - OK, give Marcy your drink. - Thank you.

1053. OK, so you're in a club or a bar and Marcy is a kind of cute,

1054. or kind of hot, or kind of sexy, or better be fucking hysterically funny,

1055. but not funny-looking guy who you could fuck.

1056. - Got it. - OK, Marcy. Take it.

1057. - Howdy. - Hi, there.

1058. Excuse me, but your name wouldn't be Butterfly would it?

1059. Yes, it is, and it seems you have me at a disadvantage.

1060. - Barry. - Pleased to meet you, Barry.

1061. - Y'all are getting me hot. - Shh!

1062. So, is Butterfly your real name?

1063. Yes, it is. And how did you know my name, Barry?

1064. I listened to Jungle Julia's show this morning.

1065. - Oh, you did, did you? - Oh, yeah.

1066. - I listen to her show every morning. - Oh, you do, do you?

1067. Yeah, she's like the coolest lady in town.

1068. - Don't you think she's got a big ass? - Nah, man. I like her ass that way.

1069. - She got a black girl's ass.

1070. That's what she says, but in actual fact,

1071. she doesn't really have a black girl's ass.

1072. - She's got a big ass. - OK, what the fuck are you doing?

1073. Oh, look who wants to get to the point.

1074. OK, we'll get to the point but, for your information, skinny bitch,

1075. black men and a whole lot of motherfucking white men

1076. have had plenty fun adoring my ass.

1077. I don't wear their teeth marks on my butt for nothing.

1078. If you're not gonna buy me a drink can I have mine back?

1079. No, OK, OK, OK, OK.

1080. So Butterfly, can I buy you a drink?

1081. - I'd love one. - What can I get you?

1082. - I'll take a margarita. - Here you go.

1083. So, after they buy you a drink, when they raise their glass to toast,

1084. they look you dead in the eye and repeat this poem:

1085. The woods are lovely, dark and deep

1086. And I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep

1087. Did you hear me Butterfly?

1088. Miles to go before you sleep.

1089. And then, if they say that...

1090. - ... you gotta give them a lap dance. - What?

1091. - If they call you Butterfly,

1092. buy you a drink, repeat that poem, you gotta give them a lap dance.

1093. That's bullshit. I ain't giving them nothing.

1094. You can do it or not.

1095. But if you don't, everybody in Austin's gonna think you a chickenshit.

1096. And I don't think you want everybody in Austin thinking you're a chickenshit.

1097. I ain't giving nobody no lap dance 'cause of what you said.

1098. Look, you don't have to do it for anyone you don't want.

1099. I said you'd do it for the first guy who says it, so...

1100. some geek comes over trying to be cool,

1101. just tell him you already did it at another place earlier.

1102. No harm, no foul, but you get a free drink out of it.

1103. But maybe, a little later in the evening, you've had a few drinks,

1104. you're kind of loosey-goosey, you're safe with your girls,

1105. then some kind of cute, kind of hot, kind of sexy, hysterically funny,

1106. but not funny-looking guy comes up and says it.

1107. Then, maybe you did it earlier, maybe you didn't.

1108. - Any dead soldiers here? - These two. Thank you.

1109. - Where the hell is Lanna Frank? - That's a good fucking question.

1110. Lanna Frank, where are you?

1111. Well, come over already. We're waiting for you.

1112. - Shit! Hold on!

1113. So where are you?

1114. Come over already. We're waiting for you.

1115. No, we are not coming over there.

1116. You come over here like you said you would.

1117. So, is it Shauna and the girls at the lake house this weekend?

1118. - Shauna? - Oh, fuck, I...

1119. Now, there is one thing that every girl in the whole world whose name is Shanna

1120. has in common with each other. We all hate the name Shauna.

1121. And we really hate it when you call us Shauna.

1122. Just remember, it's Shanna Banana, not Shauna Banauna.

1123. OK, but at some point in the evening, I had fuckability stock.

1124. - Yeah, I mean...

1125. it wasn't bullish, but...

1126. OK, Warren is sending over shots and you know the house rule.

1127. If he sends over shots, you've got to do them.

1128. - What? - Hey, them's the rules, baby.

1129. Warren says it, we do it!

1130. I love that philosophy. "Warren says it, we do it."

1131. - So, let's do it. - What is it?

1132. Hey, shots first, questions later. Here we go, post time!

1133. Woo-hoo!

1134. Now, is that a tasty beverage or is that a tasty beverage?

1135. - What the fuck is it? - Chartreuse.

1136. The only liquor so good they named a color after it.

1137. - Who's down for dos Chartreuse?

1138. Not me. I'm going out for a smoke.

1139. OK, but careful where you keep that hot flame, all right?

1140. - Blow up the joint.

1141. Drinks! What can we get you?

1142. - Shanna Banana? - Another big-ass Long Island iced tea.

1143. - Bombay Sapphire and tonic. No ice. - Good boy.

1144. Oh, hey, Punky, one of the lights is off in the parking lot. Flip it!

1145. Look, you can't look like you're trying to get her out of here

1146. before Christian Simonson shows up,

1147. but you gotta get her out of here before Christian Simonson shows up.

1148. What's the point? They're going to Shanna's daddy's house at Lake LBJ

1149. and it's no guys. Absolutely no guys.

1150. OK, so after we bring the girls drinks,

1151. in fairly rapid order, but not obvious, we order two more rounds of shots.

1152. You think they're gonna fall for that?

1153. We'll be very convincing. Now it's time to turn up the volume.

1154. No more fucking around. We go to Jäger shots.

1155. Man, they're not gonna drink Jäger shots.

1156. As long as the guy's buying the booze, a fucking bitch will drink anything.

1157. We can at least get one shot of Jäger down these fucking bitches' throats.

1158. After that, we'll see if they got another Jäger in them.

1159. You never know. That could be the shot

1160. that puts them past the point of fuck-it.

1161. Then all of a sudden, "no guys at the lake house"

1162. turns into "a couple guys at the lake house."

1163. My point exactly.

1164. Dude, check it out. I wonder if BJ brought the bear with him.

1165. Jesus.

1166. The dude fucking cut himself falling out of his time machine.

1167. Where did you two disappear to?

1168. I had to get something out of the car and Nate was gentlemanly enough

1169. to escort me with his umbrella.

1170. Ah... Good for you, Nate.

1171. See that pretty girl sitting by herself at the bar?

1172. Who, the dirty hippie?

1173. - Meow. She's not a hippie. - She might as well be a hippie.

1174. Thank you, Timmy boy.

1175. Well, do you know what just happened to her?

1176. No, but I know she's a skinny fake blonde bitch.

1177. Oh, I'm sorry. You were telling a story. What about her?

1178. Hey, Warren! Is there anybody in this place

1179. you can vouch for to give me a ride home?

1180. - Fair lady, your chariot awaits.

1181. You've been eavesdropping?

1182. There's "eavesdropping" and "can't help but hear."

1183. I think I belong in the latter category.

1184. So, uh, Icy Hot, you offering me a ride home?

1185. I'm offering you a lift, if when I'm ready to leave, you are, too.

1186. And, when are you thinking about leaving?

1187. Truthfully, I'm not thinking about it.

1188. When I do, you will be the first to know.

1189. Will you be able to, uh, drive later?

1190. I know looks can be deceiving but I'm a teetotaler.

1191. I've been drinking club soda and lime all night.

1192. Now, I'm building up to my big drink.

1193. - Which is what? - A virgin piña colada.

1194. OK!

1195. Why would someone who doesn't drink spend hours at a bar drinking water?

1196. You know, a bar offers all kind of things other than alcohol.

1197. Hmm, really? Like what?

1198. Women.

1199. Nacho Grande platters.

1200. The fellowship of some fascinating individuals, like Warren here.

1201. Fair enough. So what's your name, Icy?

1202. Stuntman Mike.

1203. Stuntman Mike's your name?

1204. You ask anybody.

1205. - Hey, Warren. Who is this guy? - Stuntman Mike.

1206. - And who the hell is Stuntman Mike? - He's a stuntman.

1207. Warren! Six shots of Wild Turkey!

1208. Hey, if it ain't Lanna Frank.

1209. - Hey, baby. - How are you?

1210. Hey, you.

1211. - What's shaking, bacon?

1212. Hey.

1213. - Holas, bitcholas. - It's about fucking time.

1214. Well, beggars can't be choosers.

1215. Take a picture, it'll last longer.

1216. What?

1217. That table, it seems to keep getting your attention.

1218. Is that the girl from the billboard outside?

1219. - Yep! - She sure is a striking-looking woman.

1220. You got gin, tequila, Jäger...

1221. - Look at that hair. - Lots of leave-in conditioner.

1222. Is that jealousy I detect?

1223. Hardly. But, if you want to get with Jungle Julia,

1224. - there's a real easy way to do that. - Really?

1225. - And what would that be? - Get famous.

1226. You won't have to find her. She'll find you.

1227. And you don't even want to know what she did for that billboard.

1228. Enjoy it, cocksucker. You've earned it.

1229. - What did she ever do to you? - We went to school together

1230. from kindergarten through high school. That's what she did to me.

1231. She was her height right now at 12.

1232. She was a monster. Half the guys she still fucks from the old class

1233. she used to beat up and terrorize in the fifth grade.

1234. I see. She used to beat you up and take your chocolate milk?

1235. That pituitary case might have kicked my ass a couple of times.

1236. Sorry, I'm built like a girl, not a black man,

1237. but I'd die before I ever gave Julia Lucai my chocolate milk.

1238. - Hey, are you famous or something? - Or something.

1239. No, no, no, no, really.

1240. Hey, what do you do?

1241. Really? What I do is work my ass off to get my own record label off the ground.

1242. But why that girl wanted a picture of me is because I'm a local DJ.

1243. Wait a minute.

1244. You got a billboard by Big Kahuna Burger don't you?

1245. Yeah.

1246. I got one there too, Zatoichi.

1247. Yeah.

1248. - Jungle Julia Lucai. - Stuntman Mike McKay.

1249. Well, good to meet you, Stuntman Mike.

1250. Now my friends and I are going to continue to get our weed on.

1251. - Would you care for some? - Thank you, Julia.

1252. - But just the same, no thanks. - Suit yourself.

1253. But you know...

1254. Oh, shit.

1255. I gotta sn...

1256. Sorry, nothing.

1257. What the fuck was that?

1258. You got some voucher here. I asked him what movies you worked on,

1259. no fucking clue.

1260. Well, I really don't know if he's ever done anything for sure.

1261. I mean, he shows me an episode of High Chaparral, a guy falls off a horse

1262. he says it's him.

1263. You know the show The Virginian?

1264. Yeah, well, there was another actor on that show, Gary Clarke,

1265. and I looked like him a bit.

1266. Well, obviously before I cut myself shaving.

1267. Aw, I like it.

1268. Well, damn, if ain't so sweet you make sugar taste just like salt.

1269. Anyway, I did a lot of Virginians doubling Gary Clarke.

1270. And then that show turned into The Men of Shiloh,

1271. they brought on Lee Majors and I doubled him.

1272. From that point on, I specialized mostly in car stunts.

1273. I did damn near the whole third season of Vegas.

1274. I was Robert Urich's driving double.

1275. And then Bob did another show, Gavilan,

1276. and he brought me with him on that until...

1277. And after that...

1278. Do you know any of these shows or people I'm talking about?

1279. - Sorry. No? - No.

1280. So, how exactly does one become a stuntman, Stuntman Mike?

1281. Well, in Hollywood, anybody fool enough to throw himself

1282. down a flight of stairs can usually find somebody to pay him for it.

1283. But really, I got into the business the way most get into the stunt business.

1284. How's that?

1285. - My brother got me in it. - Who's your brother?

1286. - Stuntman Bob.

1287. - I'm ready to blaze. - Finally, yeah.

1288. You need to catch up with us.

1289. - Now the party can start. - Yep.

1290. Anyhoo, I'm sorry. You forgive me?

1291. But you have to be real nice to me for the whole rest of the time I'm here.

1292. Promise. You ready to go to the lake?

1293. - Hm-hm. - How about your little friend?

1294. - You want to bring him? - I thought no boys.

1295. You want him to come, Shanna won't mind.

1296. So how about it? Boys or just us girls?

1297. - Us girls. - Good idea.

1298. Ladies.

1299. Thanks.

1300. Cheers, Butterfly.

1301. The woods are lovely dark and deep

1302. And I have promises to keep And miles to go before I sleep

1303. Did you hear me, Butterfly?

1304. Miles to go before you sleep.

1305. - Sorry, Stuntman Burt. - Mike.

1306. Mike, she already broke off that dance.

1307. Is that true?

1308. Did I miss my chance?

1309. Do I frighten you?

1310. Is it my scar?

1311. It's your car.

1312. Yeah, I know. Sorry.

1313. It's my mom's car.

1314. Have you been following us?

1315. No, but that's what I love about Austin. It's just so damn small.

1316. - You've seen this guy before? - Outside of Guero's.

1317. And I saw you outside of Guero's, too.

1318. You saw my car, I saw your legs.

1319. Now, look, I ain't stalking you all, but I didn't say I wasn't a wolf.

1320. - So, you really weren't following us? - I'm not following you, Butterfly.

1321. I just got lucky.

1322. So, how about that lap dance?

1323. Sorry, it was a one time only offer and she did it at Antoine's.

1324. No, she didn't.

1325. - How do you know? - I'm good that way.

1326. - And you look a little touchéd. - What's touchéd?

1327. - Wounded slightly. - Why should I be wounded?

1328. Because you expected guys to be pestering you all night,

1329. but from your look, I can tell nobody pestered you at all.

1330. That kind of hurt your feelings a bit, didn't it?

1331. There are few things as fetching as a bruised ego on a beautiful angel.

1332. So...

1333. How about that lap dance?

1334. I think I'm gonna have to give you a rain check.

1335. Well, since you'll be leaving in the next couple of days

1336. that rain check will be worthless.

1337. But that's OK.

1338. I understand if I make you uncomfortable.

1339. You're still a nice girl and I still like you.

1340. But I must warn you of something...

1341. You know how people say... [mimicking John Wayne] "You're OK in my book?"

1342. Or, "In my book, that's no good?"

1343. Well, I actually have a book.

1344. And everybody I ever meet goes in this book.

1345. And now I've met you and you're going in the book.

1346. Except, I'm afraid I must file you...

1347. - ... under "Chickenshit." - And what if I did it?

1348. Well, I definitely couldn't file you under "Chickenshit" then, now could I?

1349. What's your name again?

1350. - Stuntman Mike. - Well, Stuntman Mike, I'm Butterfly.

1351. My friend Jungle Julia over here says the jukebox inside is pretty impressive.

1352. - Yeah, it is. - Yeah.

1353. Why don't you go get ready for your lap dance?

1354. - I'm driving.

1355. - Ready to go? - Yeah. Bye.

1356. - Bye. - Bye.

1357. - I think you got Mike laid tonight.

1358. Looking good, Cannonball Run!

1359. He's just giving me a ride.

1360. - Oh, no doubt. - Have a nice ride.

1361. Look, double fucks.

1362. - Uh-uh, I am not gonna fuck him. - I can hear you.

1363. - He's old enough to be my dad. - I can still hear you.

1364. - Bye. - Bye-bye.

1365. Wow, that's fucking scary.

1366. Yeah, well, I wanted it to be impressive, and scary tends to impress.

1367. Is it safe?

1368. It's better than safe, it's death proof.

1369. How do you make a car death proof?

1370. Well, that's what stuntmen do.

1371. You've seen a movie where a car gets into some smash up

1372. there ain't no way in hell anybody's walking away from.

1373. - Yeah. - How do you think they accomplish that?

1374. - CGI?

1375. Well, unfortunately, Pam, nowadays more often than not, you're right.

1376. Back in the all or nothing days, the Vanishing Point days,

1377. the Dirty Mary Crazy Larry days, the White Line Fever days,

1378. real cars smashing into real cars with real dumb people driving them.

1379. So, you give the stunt team the car you want to smash up,

1380. they take her and reinforce that fucker everywhere and voilà...

1381. You've got yourself a death proof automobile.

1382. That makes sense. I just didn't know you could make a car death proof.

1383. I can drive this baby into a brick wall doing 125 miles an hour,

1384. just for the experience.

1385. Why is your passenger seat in a box?

1386. Well, this is a movie car.

1387. Sometimes, when you're shooting a crash,

1388. director wants to put a camera in the car, shoot the crash from the inside.

1389. That's where you put the camera. They call it a crash box. Here...

1390. - There you go.

1391. When you asked to drive me home, you didn't mention

1392. your car didn't have a passenger seat.

1393. Yeah, well, actually, I didn't ask to drive you home.

1394. You asked me for a ride and I said yes. But look at the bright side, Pam,

1395. I won't be getting fresh, putting my hand on your knee.

1396. That is the bright side.

1397. I thought so.

1398. Well, Pam, which way you going, left or right?

1399. Right.

1400. - Ah, that's too bad. - Why?

1401. Well, because it was a 50/50 shot on whether you'd be going left or right.

1402. See, we're both going left.

1403. You could have just as easily been going left, too, and if that was the case,

1404. it would have been a while before you started gettin' scared.

1405. But since you're going the other way...

1406. I'm afraid you're gonna have to start getting scared...

1407. immediately.

1408. - What the fuck? - [engine revs, tires screech]

1409. You cocksucking motherfucker!

1410. Fucking let me out of here! I'll fucking rip your fucking...

1411. Stop the fucking car!

1412. OK, here's the thing.

1413. I get it. This was all a joke, and it's super funny.

1414. It was really funny, OK?

1415. But, um, if you could stop now, if...

1416. If you just drop me off...

1417. - I swear I'll never... - Hey, Pam!

1418. Remember when I said this car was death proof?

1419. Well, that wasn't a lie. This car is 100 percent death proof.

1420. Only, to get the benefit of it, honey,

1421. you really need to be sitting in my seat.

1422. Now I've gotta catch me my other girlfriends.

1423. No, no, no, no, no. It's Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mitch and Tich.

1424. So, you got it?

1425. Thanks honey. You're gonna play it next song, right?

1426. Good boy.

1427. Growl.

1428. Bye-bye.

1429. Who do you want to hear?

1430. Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mitch and Tich.

1431. Who?

1432. Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mitch and Tich.

1433. - Who the fuck are they? - For your information,

1434. Pete Townshend, at one point, almost quit The Who,

1435. and if he had, he would have ended up in this group

1436. thus making it Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mitch, Tich and Pete.

1437. And if you ask me, he should have.

1438. - That's my boy!

1439. I wanna to hear this part of the song louder!

1440. Do you know her name or anything?

1441. Uh, I don't remember.

1442. Dr. Block?

1443. Self restraints to room 310.

1444. Self restraints to room 310.

1445. Well, what's the patient's prognosis, Dr. Block?

1446. I don't really see it's any of your business.

1447. Come on now, sis. You just tell us.

1448. How bad is he?

1449. He got banged up real good.

1450. Busted nose, broken collar bone, smashed up his left index finger.

1451. Is that it?

1452. He was real lucky.

1453. That will be all?

1454. Why, that's more than enough and I want to thank you, Dr. Block.

1455. Son of a bitch!

1456. So, Pop, what do you think?

1457. Well, son number one...

1458. what I think is so goddamn ghoulish, I hesitate to speak it out loud.

1459. Well, give it a shot.

1460. Well, what we have here is a case of vehicular homicide.

1461. That old boy murdered them pretty little gals.

1462. He used a car and not a hatchet, but they're dead just the same.

1463. Well, what are you gonna do?

1464. Not a goddamn thing.

1465. DA says there ain't no crime here.

1466. Every one of them gals was swimming in alcohol and floating on weed

1467. and old Hooper in there came out clean as a whistle.

1468. Now you actually think that he premeditatedly murdered them gals?

1469. Well, I can't prove it but since thinking don't cost nothing,

1470. I can think it and I do.

1471. Yeah, but Pop, he got pretty banged up himself.

1472. Hell, yeah, he got banged up, but goddamn, them pretty little gals

1473. look like a goddamn giant chewed them up and spit them out.

1474. Did any of them survive?

1475. Shit, two tons of metal at 200 miles an hour,

1476. flesh and bone and plain old Newton...

1477. they all princess died.

1478. Why?

1479. Well, I'd guesstimate it's a sex thing.

1480. Only way I can figure it.

1481. High velocity impact, twisted metal, busted glass,

1482. all four souls taken exactly at the same time.

1483. Probably the only way that diabolical degenerate can shoot his goo.

1484. You're timing couldn't be better, Zoë.

1485. It just so happens that we're all three off-duty

1486. - for the next three days of shooting. - Fucking hell, how does that happen?

1487. I'm doing Lindsay Lohan's make-up and she's off for the next three days.

1488. There's no stunts being filmed during that time so Kim's free

1489. and Lee's on a "will notify" for the next four days.

1490. So, how's the shoot going?

1491. Great! We're having the best time.

1492. The director, Cecil Evans, is so much fun.

1493. We're making the coolest movie and partying all the time.

1494. Hell, yeah. The next job after this one is definitely gonna suck.

1495. So, let's hear it ladies. Set romances? Who's getting it off?

1496. That would be Lee and Toolbox.

1497. Oh, Toolbox? The name sounds promising.

1498. - He's a grip. - What he is, is a pervert.

1499. Well, he just keeps sounding better and better.

1500. What's his perversion?

1501. He like to watch me pee.

1502. Lee is sitting on a toilet and Toolbox is watching her pee!

1503. - P-I-S-S-I-N-G.

1504. Yeah, but not no more. Now she's getting it on with The Rock.

1505. - You're having one off with The Rock? - Not the real Rock.

1506. He's this electrician named Bruce. Kim started calling him The Rock

1507. because he kinda looks like The Rock so we all just call him The Rock.

1508. Kim, dick department. Let's hear it.

1509. Uh-uh, no dick this trip.

1510. - I got a man. - How long have you had this boyfriend?

1511. - About three months. - Who'd you steal him from?

1512. Nobody!

1513. - Kim! - What?

1514. He totally had a girlfriend.

1515. All Kim's boyfriends start out as somebody else's boyfriend.

1516. I did not steal him.

1517. I didn't steal any of them. They just... jumped ship.

1518. - So what's your story, Abernathy? - Oh, Abbie's got the big kahuna.

1519. I had a set crush on Cecil.

1520. "Set crush?" Nigga, please. You were his set wife.

1521. "Were" and "had" being the key words here.

1522. Bitch, you two are still into each other and you know it.

1523. Yeah, well, if he's so in love with me,

1524. then why did he fuck Daryl Hannah's stand-in?

1525. Yes, men are dogs. Oh, it's so funny!

1526. - Oh, it's so funny! - Oh, stop acting all hurt.

1527. Your ass is just mad.

1528. - Yeah, he's a stand-in fucker. - Bitch, you need to get over that shit.

1529. - That was two weeks ago. - Oh, well, now you put it like that...

1530. Oh, I haven't told you the best part. He fucked her on my birthday.

1531. Oh, that's a horse of a different color.

1532. Thank you.

1533. Did he know it was your birthday? He's the director. He's kind of busy.

1534. He ate a piece of my birthday cake and he got me a present.

1535. Yeah, I think he knew.

1536. What did he get you?

1537. He made me a tape.

1538. - He made you a tape?

1539. Wait, he didn't burn you a CD, he made you a tape?

1540. - Yeah. - Oh, that is so romantic.

1541. Yes, I know what you're gonna say, so don't even go there.

1542. Sounds like the test of true love to me.

1543. Look, I know you guys like him.

1544. He's likeable.

1545. But he fucked another woman on my birthday.

1546. How can you not be on my side?

1547. - Well, I admit, that sounds bad. - It is bad.

1548. It just sounds like there's a little more to it than that.

1549. - Were you two fucking? - Hell, no.

1550. - Hello, is your name Abernathy? - Sorry.

1551. The answer to your question is no. Of course not.

1552. - What do you mean, "No, of course not?" - The reason Cecil hasn't had

1553. a girlfriend in six years is because girls will fuck him.

1554. And if you fuck Cecil, you don't become one of his girlfriends.

1555. Not to say I want to be his girlfriend, but if I did want to be his girlfriend,

1556. if I fucked him, I wouldn't be his girlfriend. I'd be one of his regulars.

1557. And I'm just getting too fucking old for that shit.

1558. - Have you let him do anything? - Yes!

1559. I've let him give me a foot massage and when we go to the movies,

1560. I've let him hold my hand.

1561. Bitch, you might be acting like you're 12 years old,

1562. but he just acting like a man.

1563. You need to break that nigga off a piece.

1564. Let me get this straight.

1565. - You're not fucking him. - Hm-hm.

1566. - You're not sucking him. - Hm-hm.

1567. You're not giving him any tongue, but Daryl Hannah's stand-in is?

1568. You know, some cultures might say he made the wiser choice.

1569. - Oh!

1570. So, Zoë, Kim, and I are in the Philippines at an outdoor rave.

1571. - What were you working on? - Three Kicks to the Head, part three.

1572. And admittedly, we were a little fucked up.

1573. - Cheers to that. - Word.

1574. Cheers.

1575. So Zoë, the genius, wants to take a picture of me.

1576. It's dark as hell and you can't see shit.

1577. So, she's got her camera and keeps saying, "Step back a little."

1578. So I do.

1579. Then, "A little further." So I step back a little further.

1580. Then, "A little more." So, I do.

1581. Then I realize, I'm right at the edge of a seven foot concrete ditch.

1582. With God knows how many rocks, and broken bottles, and rats in it.

1583. And, if I fell in that fucking thing,

1584. I probably would have broken my fucking neck.

1585. So I'm yelling at her, "Zoë, you almost killed me!"

1586. So we laugh about it and walk a little further,

1587. and Zoë starts fuckin' around.

1588. And damn if she doesn't fall in the fucking ditch.

1589. - Nice. - Nice.

1590. Thank you. Yeah, thank you.

1591. I remember taking a step and looking down.

1592. Just as I'm thinking, "There's that ditch Abbie was talking about."

1593. Bam! I'm in the fucking ditch, you know.

1594. - What happened? - What, with Zoë the cat?

1595. Nothing. If I fell in that fucking thing

1596. they would've had to helicopter me out of there.

1597. Zoë just lands on her feet.

1598. But then, later, I started feeling a little bad about myself.

1599. Zoë falls in the ditch and it's nothing, we're laughing about it.

1600. If I fell in that fucking thing...

1601. I probably would have been fucking paralyzed.

1602. Honey, you can't think like that. We all have our individual talents

1603. and that just happens to be one of Zoë's.

1604. - Well, physically speaking,

1605. Zoë is amazing. I mean, agility, reflexes, nimbleness.

1606. There's few human beings that can fuck with Zoë on that front.

1607. - Kim, I like you, too. - Aw...

1608. Having said that, before you get too envious of Zoë's prowess,

1609. you're missing the most important part of that story.

1610. You didn't fall in the ditch. Zoë did.

1611. Zoë even knew there was a ditch there because you told her

1612. and she still fell in.

1613. So, Lee's right. We all have our talents.

1614. - Hey, I resemble that remark.

1615. So Kim, you still pack a roscoe?

1616. Check it out, bitch.

1617. - Ooh, nice one, mate. - I noticed.

1618. - What's a roscoe? - Roscoe is a pistol.

1619. - You carry a gun? - Uh-huh.

1620. You have a license to carry it?

1621. Yeah, when I became a Secret Service agent, they gave me a license.

1622. Oh, I didn't know you were...

1623. OK, I didn't say it, all right? Stop looking at me, I didn't say it.

1624. God. Did you know Kim carried a gun?

1625. Yes. Now, do I approve? No.

1626. Do I know? Yes.

1627. Look, I don't know what futuristic utopia you live in,

1628. but the world I live in, a bitch need a gun.

1629. You can't get around the fact that people who carry guns tend to get shot

1630. more than people who don't.

1631. And you can't get around the fact that if I go down to the laundry room

1632. in my building at midnight enough times, I might get my ass raped.

1633. - Don't do your laundry at midnight. - Fuck that, I want to do my laundry

1634. whenever the fuck I want to do my laundry.

1635. There are other things you can carry other than a gun.

1636. Pepper spray.

1637. Uh, a motherfucker try to rape me, I don't want to give him a skin rash.

1638. - I wanna shut that nigga down.

1639. How about a knife, at least?

1640. Yeah, you know what happens to motherfuckers who carry knives?

1641. They get shot.

1642. Look, if I ever become a famous actress, I won't carry a gun.

1643. I'll hire me a do-dirt-nigga and he'll carry the gun.

1644. And when shit goes down, I'll sit back and laugh.

1645. But until that day, it's wild west, motherfucker.

1646. So Zoë, you thought about what you want to do first?

1647. It just so happens, I know exactly what I want to do.

1648. Oh, really? And what would that be?

1649. To me, there's no point in being in America

1650. unless you can drive a Detroit muscle car.

1651. And I want to drive a Dodge Challenger, fuck me, swinging balls out.

1652. Um... Well, I guess we could talk to transpo.

1653. But does it have to be a Dodge Challenger?

1654. Not just that, it has to be a 1970 Dodge Challenger with a 440 engine.

1655. How in the fuck do you expect to do that?

1656. No worries, mate. I've got it all worked out.

1657. When I knew I was coming here, I went online and found out

1658. that the local paper here in Tennessee is the Lebanon News Sentinel.

1659. - So back home... - I'm sorry. Where's home?

1660. - Australia, right? - What do you mean by that, mate?

1661. Zoë's from New Zealand and you never,

1662. I repeat, never call a Kiwi an Aussie.

1663. That is, unless you want your ass kicked.

1664. - I'm so sorry. I really am.

1665. Oh, that's OK. We're just taking the piss out of you, mate.

1666. Auckland, to answer your question.

1667. Anyway, I subscribed to the local paper a month ago.

1668. Now why in the fuck you want a local redneck newspaper in New Zealand?

1669. Pipe down and I'll tell you.

1670. I've been getting the paper for the last month

1671. and I've been checking the classified at the back looking at cars for sale.

1672. So, as of yesterday, for sale,

1673. in this town, some dude is selling a stock

1674. 1970 Dodge Challenger with a 440 engine and a white paint job.

1675. And you want to buy it?

1676. Kim, I may be stupid but I'm not bloody stupid.

1677. I want to say I want to buy it so he'll let me test drive it.

1678. A 1970 Dodge Challenger with a white paint job?

1679. Oh, Kowalski.

1680. Kowalski from Vanishing Point. Mate, it's a fucking classic.

1681. If I can get this guy to let me drive it without him,

1682. I will blow the doors off that bitch.

1683. What's Vanishing Point?

1684. What's Vanishing Point?

1685. Abs, I'm supposed to be the illiterate one.

1686. It's just one of the best American movies ever made.

1687. Actually, Zoë, most girls wouldn't know Vanishing Point.

1688. Excuse me, "most girls?" What the fuck are you two?

1689. Yeah, well, we're gearheads. Of course we watched it.

1690. Y'all grew up watching that Pretty in Pink shit.

1691. Oh, I like Pretty in Pink.

1692. What, so you didn't watch John Hughes movies?

1693. Of course, I did. I'm a girl. But I also watched car shit, too.

1694. Vanishing Point, Dirty Mary Crazy Larry, Gone in 60 Seconds, the real one.

1695. Not that Angelina Jolie bullshit.

1696. We have an outdoor theater in Auckland

1697. that plays Vanishing Point, Big Wednesday,

1698. - all the classics.

1699. What do you horny gals want?

1700. Yeah, you got a 1970 Dodge Challenger for sale?

1701. Right up here, ladies.

1702. - This shit is off the fuckin' hook. - Fuckin' legendary, mate.

1703. Sweet as. Well, if you'll excuse me for a moment,

1704. I'd like to have a word alone with my business associate.

1705. - You ladies take your time. - OK.

1706. Mmm.

1707. What are you waiting for? Ask him to let you drive it by yourself.

1708. I intend to. But first, I need to ask you something.

1709. What?

1710. If he let's us take it out on our own, I want to play Ship's Mast.

1711. - Oh, hell no! - Will you keep it down?

1712. - Ain't no way I'm doing Ship's Mast. - For Christ's sake...

1713. - Don't blaspheme. - Sorry.

1714. Now, what did you say after the last time?

1715. - Look, I know what I said. - What did you say?

1716. I know I said we shouldn't do this again...

1717. No, you didn't say we shouldn't. You said we ain't ever

1718. - gonna to do that again. - But...

1719. "But," my ass! You said, not only are we never gonna play Ship's Mast again,

1720. but you also said, if you ever do what you're trying to do now,

1721. to not only refuse,

1722. but that I had permission to physically restrain your ass if necessary.

1723. Now, did you or did you not say that?

1724. - Well... - No, no, no, no.

1725. Answer the question, motherfucker. Did you or did you not say that?

1726. - Yes, I said that, however... - Whatever with your "however."

1727. I know I said it, and I know I meant it.

1728. Damn skippy, you meant it.

1729. But when I said it, I didn't mean in America.

1730. - Oh, nigga, please! - Really.

1731. I meant we should never play Ship's Mast again in New Zealand and Australia.

1732. You are such a liar.

1733. Look, I know what I said when I said it.

1734. But when I said it, I didn't know I'd ever come to America.

1735. And when I said it, if I had of known I was gonna come to America,

1736. and have the opportunity to play Ship's Mast on the fucking

1737. Vanishing Point Challenger, I would have added a "however."

1738. Right?

1739. OK, oddly enough, I actually understood that.

1740. However...

1741. Just because you talked yourself into some stupid shit,

1742. doesn't mean I have lost my goddamn mind.

1743. You need two people to play Ship's Mast and I ain't playing.

1744. I'll be your best friend.

1745. I don't need me no best friend who lives on the other side of planet Earth.

1746. - I'll crack your back. - You'll crack it anyway.

1747. Well, of course, I'll crack it anyway.

1748. But now, while I'm here, I'll be your back-cracking slave.

1749. Whenever you want it, you got it. You don't even have to ask for it.

1750. You just order me to do it.

1751. Just be like, "Bitch get over here and get busy."

1752. So... We're gonna see if this guy'll let us take the car out without him.

1753. If he does, you wait here with Lee and we'll be back in a moment.

1754. What?

1755. I said, we're gonna see if this guy will let us take the car out without him...

1756. I heard what you said. I just can't believe what you said.

1757. You know, you two got some fuckin' balls.

1758. - What? - Don't play dumb ass with me.

1759. I've been up all night, I'm still a little drunk, and I have a hangover.

1760. I should be in my hotel room asleep. Not fucking around here on tobacco road,

1761. but because Zoë wanted to drive some fucking Vanishing Point car, I'm here.

1762. Now you two got the balls to ask me...

1763. No, scratch that, tell me, I gotta go make conversation

1764. with Tom Joad while the cool kids get to go out and play?

1765. Bullshit on that.

1766. - It ain't like that. - Then what's it like, Kim?

1767. You guys are our collateral. He's never gonna go for it if we all go.

1768. I really think one human being will be collateral enough.

1769. You're not gonna want to do what we're doing.

1770. What? To drive a car?

1771. - We're doing more than that. - What? Drive it fast?

1772. We're doing more than that.

1773. Actually, we're paying you a compliment, because we're gonna do some stupid shit.

1774. But that's OK. We're stunt people, we ain't got good sense.

1775. But you got good sense. And anyone with good sense

1776. - ain't gonna wanna do what we're doing. - How do you know I don't wanna do it?

1777. - 'Cause you're a mom. - Yeah.

1778. You know, we're supposed to be this big posse, but that's the excuse

1779. you guys use whenever you want to exclude me from something.

1780. So, what is it you two daredevils are doing

1781. that I'm just so uncool I couldn't possibly understand.

1782. You know, we're kind of conning this guy so maybe it's best

1783. if we don't go into detail about it while he's watching us.

1784. Besides, he's probably not gonna let us do it anyway.

1785. OK, how about this?

1786. I'll talk him into it. But if I talk him into it, I go along.

1787. - How are you gonna do that? - Ah! That's my problem.

1788. But don't worry. He'll say yes.

1789. - What are you gonna do, blow him? - No!

1790. I'm gonna insinuate that Lee's gonna blow him.

1791. That's a good one.

1792. Not really. But let me handle it.

1793. We got a deal?

1794. OK, mommy, listen up.

1795. You wanna hang with the cool kids, you've got to be cool.

1796. We take you along, you don't say shit. You don't even say crap.

1797. You just sit in the back and I don't want to hear a peep out of your ass.

1798. - You understand? - Got it.

1799. I'm serious. You start nagging us, we're pulling over to the side of the road

1800. kicking your ass out and picking you up later.

1801. Agreed.

1802. OK.

1803. Go work your magic.

1804. - Hello, sir. - Hello.

1805. - What's your name? - Jasper.

1806. - Hello, Jasper. I'm Abernathy. - Aber-what?

1807. - Abernathy. - What's your first name?

1808. - That is my first name. - What kind of first name is that?

1809. - You know what? Just call me Abbie. - OK, Abbie.

1810. Jasper, we were wondering if my friends and I could take the car out

1811. for a little test drive out on our own. Just to see if we're comfortable in it.

1812. Why would I do something stupid like that?

1813. To better sell your automobile.

1814. How do I know y'all ain't just gonna steal it?

1815. Four reasons, actually.

1816. One, we're not thieves. Two, that would be rude.

1817. Three, we're staying at the Days Inn in town, you can call the hotel,

1818. check with management. We're registered for the next month.

1819. Actually, Zoë is not, but Kim and I are. So, we're totally track down-able.

1820. Who's Kim? The colored girl?

1821. Yes, Kim would be the girl of color. And reason number four,

1822. and the most important, while we're taking the car out for a little spin,

1823. that'll give you a better opportunity to get acquainted

1824. with our other friend, Lee.

1825. Why does she look kinda familiar?

1826. That would be because she's a famous actress.

1827. Why's she dressed like that?

1828. Well, you see, we're making a Hollywood movie in town,

1829. and it's a cheerleader movie, and she's one of the cheerleaders.

1830. - What's a cheerleader movie? - A movie about cheerleaders.

1831. Is it a porno movie?

1832. - Yes, it is.

1833. But, don't mention it. She's shy.

1834. Lee, this is Jasper. Jasper, Lee.

1835. You two kids stay out of trouble.

1836. Hey, good-looking! Be back to pick you up later!

1837. Ta-ta.

1838. Gulp.

1839. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

1840. - I think I'm thinking it. - What are you and you thinking?

1841. I'm thinking we told your ass to shut the fuck up.

1842. - Where are y'all going? - You stay put.

1843. - I got to take a...

1844. So you ready to do this?

1845. You sure?

1846. Well, I always don't want to do it right before I'm gonna do it.

1847. You know what I mean?

1848. Yeah, I know what you mean. 'Cause I don't want to do it.

1849. - Kim. - I'm just saying.

1850. - If you're gonna take the piss out... - I'm just saying.

1851. You wanna start out on top?

1852. It practically doesn't count if you start on the top.

1853. Here are your gloves.

1854. No, no, no, no. I'm wearing the jacket.

1855. This is my jacket.

1856. Um... Ain't you supposed to be my slave or some shit?

1857. Give it.

1858. I'm the one who's on the fucking bonnet.

1859. Bonnet, my ass. You're on the hood.

1860. Y'all, I think I hear a car coming.

1861. - Give me your belt. - Oh.

1862. This is my cute shit.

1863. Well... Fuck that. Get Abernathy's belt.

1864. Fine. We'll use Abbie's belt.

1865. - Give me your belt. - No.

1866. - Prada. - Come on. Give her the belt.

1867. - Magic word. - Please. Give her the belt.

1868. Just cause you asked nicely.

1869. It's nice to be nice, Kim.

1870. - Whatever. - You know what?

1871. Don't even fucking think about asking me next time you want me to do your hair.

1872. - Your ass gonna do it. - Yeah, you'll ask pretty please, bitch.

1873. 'Cause that's what you do when no one else is looking.

1874. You ain't that fucking hard. I ain't getting that shit.

1875. Abernathy, don't get on my nerves right now.

1876. I got shit on my mind.

1877. Ooh! You know, I ain't six.

1878. It's cold. Can we roll up one of these windows?

1879. No.

1880. Hey, Abernathy. Check this out.

1881. What the fuck are you guys doing?

1882. What does that mean?

1883. Whoa!

1884. Faster, you black bitch, faster!

1885. That fast enough for your bony ass?

1886. Woo-hoo!

1887. Whoa!

1888. Abernathy, get your ass up here.

1889. All righty.

1890. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

1891. Check it out bitch. You want it fucking faster?

1892. - Oh, my God! - What the fuck? Shit!

1893. - Zoë!

1894. Damn it!

1895. - Now!

1896. - Did you do something to him? - Nothing! Nothing! Shit!

1897. - Shit! Here he comes! - Zoë! Fuck!

1898. - Shit! - Shit! Oh, shit!

1899. - Hold on, Zoë! - Whoa!

1900. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Zoë!

1901. - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Zoë!

1902. - Whoa! - Zoë!

1903. Fuck you, motherfucker! Fuck you!

1904. Zoë! Zoë!

1905. - I'm sorry I called you a black bitch. - I forgive you. Hold the fuck on.

1906. Whoa! Get away!

1907. Oh, shit! I can't fucking see! I can't see!

1908. Zoë, move your legs!

1909. Fuck you!

1910. - Come on, come on!

1911. Redneck lunatic bastard!

1912. Get away from me!

1913. - Watch your fucking legs! - Baby, just hold on.

1914. Zoë!

1915. - Fuck you! - Oh, my God!

1916. Come on, come on!

1917. Fucking get away from me!

1918. Oh, shit! I'm scared Kim, I'm really scared.

1919. I know, baby, just hold on.

1920. Watch your feet!

1921. - You wanna get hot? You wanna get hot? - You fucking son of a bitch.

1922. - Suck on this for a while, bitch! - Motherfucker!

1923. - Zoë!

1924. Goddamn it!

1925. - He's coming up! - Oh, my God.

1926. Get away from us, you cocksucker!

1927. Leave us alone!

1928. - Fuck you, motherfucker! - Put your foot down!

1929. Zoë! Zoë!

1930. - Hold on!

1931. Zoë! Zoë!

1932. - Look out!

1933. Get ready to fly, bitch!

1934. - Zoë! - Zoë! Hold on!

1935. He's right on your ass! He's right on your fucking ass!

1936. Hey! [cheering, laughing]

1937. Hey! Ladies, that was fun!

1938. Well, adios!

1939. - Ow, fuck!

1940. - Shit! Fuck!

1941. Run away with your ass! You better run, motherfucker!

1942. Bitch!

1943. I'm OK!

1944. Oh, shit! Goddamn it!

1945. Oh, you fucking bitch!

1946. Of course you are. Of course you are. What was I thinking?

1947. What was I thinking? Zoë, the fucking cat!

1948. Whew! That was a close one.

1949. You guys look like shit.

1950. Who died?

1951. - That's it!

1952. Zoë, are you OK?

1953. Well, I'm gonna have a hell of a bruise on my bum,

1954. but aside from that, I'll be sweet.

1955. So, where's the maniac?

1956. I shot him and his punk ass sped off.

1957. - You wanna go get him? - Oh, hell yeah!

1958. Honey, I think you might want to get out.

1959. Fuck that shit. Let's kill this bastard.

1960. OK, get your ass in the back, let's go.

1961. Fuck this motherfucker!

1962. - Wait... - Where the fuck you going?

1963. I'll be back.

1964. Yeah, that'll smart. Sweet, let's go.

1965. Oh, fuck yeah, bitch. Come on. Bring that shit.

1966. Giddy up, girl!

1967. Yeah!

1968. [groaning, sobbing] Come on!

1969. Oh, why? Oh, no!

1970. Oh, do it! Do it!

1971. Do it!

1972. Oh, no!

1973. No, no, no! No! God...

1974. All right. Get it together.

1975. Get, get... What are you... What are you... What are you gonna do?

1976. Kick his ass, Zoë! Kick his motherfucking ass!

1977. - Hey! Now I wanna play! - Go away!

1978. - Fucking fuck you!

1979. Where do you think you're fucking going?

1980. Come here, you...!

1981. Go!

1982. I'm not done with your ass now, motherfucker. I love your ass!

1983. Oh, you're gonna wiggle your ass at me?

1984. Oh, don't like it up the ass, do you, you redneck lunatic bastard.

1985. Oh, yeah, bitch. I'm gonna bust a nut up in this bitch right now!

1986. I'm the horniest motherfucker on the road!

1987. Boo-yah, bitch!

1988. Ah!

1989. Did you just hit a boat?

1990. Now, get him! Get him!

1991. Now! Now! Now! Get him! Get him!

1992. Forget about the cows, motherfucker! Move, motherfucker! Move!

1993. Motherfucker!

1994. I'm about to bust a nut up in this bitch, motherfucker!

1995. Watch it! Watch it! Watch it!

1996. Tappin' that ass. Tappin' that ass! Tappin' it, tappin' it, tappin' it!

1997. Son of a bitch!

1998. Oh, you know I can't let you go...

1999. without tapping that ass.

2000. Oh, fuck me!

2001. - One... - Kim?

2002. - ... more... - Kim?

2003. time!

2004. Boo-yah!

2005. That's what I'm talking about, bitch!

2006. Oh, come on!

2007. Come on!

2008. You thought you lost us! We're back, motherfucker! We're back!

2009. Who's laughing now bitch?

2010. Shit!

2011. Come on!

2012. You miss us, you lunatic bastard?

2013. - I'm sorry! - What?

2014. I didn't... I didn't mean anything.

2015. I was just playing around.

2016. - Oh, he was just playing around. - He was just playing.

2017. - Well, I ain't playing with you.

2018. Oh, look out! Look out! Look out!

2019. - What's your sign? - Cancer!

2020. Come on!

2021. Don't run. Don't run, motherfucker! Don't run!

2022. Shit!

2023. - Yeah!

2024. Yeah!

2025. Jesus fucking Christ, it's about time!

2026. - Yeah, you go. - Just go, go, go, go!

2027. Please don't dead-end. Please don't dead-end.

2028. Please don't dead-end. Please don't dead-end.

2029. Please don't dead-end.

2030. Please don't dead-end. Please don't dead-end.

2031. Please don't dead-end.

2032. Oh, there the motherfucker is!

2033. - Go, go, go! - Get him! Get him! Get him!

2034. Help me!

2035. Help me!

2036. - Be careful! My right arm's broken! - This one?

2037. That's right, bitch.

2038. You want some?

2039. - Come on, motherfucker! - My fuckin' ass!

2040. Piece of shit!

2041. - Bitch! - [grunting, groaning]

2042. Motherfucker!

2043. Motherfucker!

2044. Asshole!