God Bless America (2012)

1. in order to get outside

2. and get this guy in a rear naked choke, and he passes out.

3. Oh, fuck. Really? - Yeah.

4. - That's terrible. - No, it was awesome.

5. I'm Robbie Barkley, and you're watching "Hollywood Extreme."

6. And another young man comes forward with allegations

7. that he was sexually molested by Michael Jackson

8. while visiting the Neverland Ranch.

9. His parents claimed to keep the secret under wraps

10. because they loved his music.

11. Why don't they just leave him alone?

12. All Michael ever wanted to do was make people happy.

13. That's all he wanted to do.

14. You know, people don't know what happened

15. between him and those kids. They weren't there.

16. They're just a bunch of jealous haters.

17. I hate people who say bad things about Michael Jackson.

18. I fucking hate haters!

19. I hate my neighbors.

20. The constant cacophony of stupidity

21. that pours from their apartment is absolutely soul-crushing.

22. And you know what? And I looked him right in the eye.

23. I go, "You're retarded," and then I punched him right in the face.

24. It doesn't matter how politely I ask them

25. to practice some common courtesy.

26. They're incapable of comprehending that their actions affect other people.

27. They have a complete lack of consideration for anyone else

28. and an overly developed sense of entitlement.

29. They have no decency, no concern, no shame.

30. They do not care that I suffer

31. from debilitating migraines and insomnia.

32. They do not care that I have to go to work

33. or that I want to kill them.

34. I know it's not normal to want to kill.

35. But I also know that I am no longer normal.

36. I hate that baby.

37. I hate that baby's fat, stupid face.

38. Hey, buddy. What's wrong?

39. A lot.

40. I'm Robbie Barkley, and this has been "Hollywood" -

41. Take it easy, bro.

42. I'm not your bro.

43. Oh, God!

44. Please don't shoot! I have a baby!

45. Look at this, look at this. This is just tragic.

46. Oh, God.

47. What is wrong with Lindsay Lohan?

48. She used to have a lot of potential. I don't know what happened.

49. It's the most hilarious ringtone ever!

50. Just text P-I-G-F-A-R-

51. Controversial Reverend Artemus Goran

52. and his supporters are back in the news.

53. This time protesting at a cancer victim's funeral.

54. God hates fags! God hates fags!

55. God hates fags!

56. - VELOCitea. - VELOCitea.

57. It's in your face.

58. Coming up on "Tuff Gurlz"...

59. Listen, you skank, don't you

60. Did you poop in my food?

61. What? What?

62. - You bitch!

63. I think she's a traitor and should be tried for treason.

64. Look, just because she lost her son in the war

65. does not give her the right

66. to disrespect all of our brave sons and daughters

67. who are serving our country right now.

68. Frankly, I think her son's better off dead,

69. because now he doesn't have to see the jerk

70. that his mother has turned into.

71. And, now, I know, I know.

72. Before you all start flying off the handle with,

73. "Oh, Mike, how can you be so heartless?"

74. let me remind you, there's three things I love -

75. my mother, my country,

76. and the men and women who fight the fight over there

77. so we don't have to fight it here.

78. That's it for "Fuller Talk."

79. You've heard the end of the statement.

80. Remember to order all your "Fuller Talk" products

81. at the 800 number at the bottom of the screen.

82. We've still got plenty of T-shirts available.

83. Remember, two for -

84. The boys were caught after setting the homeless man on fire

85. and then posting video footage of the attack online.

86. Dumb Nutz!

87. Dumb Nutz!

88. Oh

89. MAN #@: Dude, are you all right?

90. Dumb Nutz!

91. We have a press

92. that just gives him a free pass because he's black

93. so he doesn't have to work hard

94. like the rest of us who play by the rules.

95. That... is the world we live in, ladies and gentlemen.

96. - What's your name? - Steven Clark.

97. What are you singing for us, Steven Clark?

98. What?

99. - I'm stopping you.

100. I'm hoping that you'll stop. Stop, please.

101. - You are kidding me, right?

102. You're wasting our time, Steven.

103. What are you doing? Stop bowing.

104. Just stop everything and listen to me.

105. Do -

106. Do you have a mental problem?

107. - No.

108. Go get some psychiatric help.

109. I'll see you in Hollywood.

110. Uh, I can't answer that question.

111. He also killed his wife and mother,

112. bringing the total to 16 dead and 33 wounded,

113. all in one tragic afternoon.

114. A former altar boy and Eagle Scout,

115. he climbed the University of Texas clock tower in 1966

116. and, using his high-powered rifles and Marine training,

117. he became America's first spree killer.

118. Meet Steven Clark, the newest star

119. from last night's "American Superstarz."

120. Now, if you missed the show,

121. you might want to plug your ears for this one.

122. Okay, okay, stop. I'm hoping that you'll stop.

123. That's my favorite part of the show, when they have the crazies on.

124. I know.

125. I feel so guilty for laughing, but it is so funny.

126. Wake up! This is ridicu-

127. - Good morning. - Yeah?

128. Who is it? - You blocked me in again.

129. You blocked yourself in, bro.

130. Okay.

131. Could you move your car? I'm running kind of late.

132. Now?

133. Yeah.

134. Tell him to park his car away from us.

135. Fine.

136. Do you know where the remote is?

137. Dude, you need to leave yourself more room.

138. Right.

139. In fact, 40% of adult Americans

140. cannot read above a fourth-grade level.

141. When high schoolers were asked

142. what living American they would want to be,

143. the majority of girls answered Kim Kardashian,

144. and the majority of boys

145. answered any male cast member on the "Jersey Shore."

146. We are listener-supported radio.

147. We can only stay on the air with -

148. I'm really late, Ed.

149. How about you remember how to park your fucking car?

150. Hey, if he plays this well with one testicle,

151. maybe the whole team should get cancer.

152. MAN #@: Oh!

153. Send all angry letters and cards to the E-Man here.

154. MAN #1: What? Okay, well, I'm the bad guy, all right?

155. What? I'm just saying what you're all thinking.

156. - This ain't your daddy's sports show.

157. The mucho macho grande burrito machismo experience.

158. It's extreme.

159. MAN #3: This is my favorite part of "American Superstarz,"

160. when they have the retards on.

161. - MAN #4: I Know what you mean. - MAN #3: This thing is great!

162. - D.J.: We're giving you

163. backstage passes, and all you have to do is touch her on the tit

164. and then maybe box a little bit.

165. Jesus, how long have you worked on this show,

166. and you don't know how to screen the dirty girls?

167. We want to see blood, we want to see tears,

168. we want to see one of you whores get knocked out.

169. Hit her in her defective tit.

170. Hi.

171. What's up? You called.

172. I was just trying to figure out what time to pick up Ava tomorrow.

173. Ava says she doesn't want to visit you.

174. Yeah, well, she's going to.

175. Frank, I can't make her.

176. Yes, you can. You're the adult.

177. Put her on the phone.

178. All right.

179. Hey, Ava, honey...

180. It's your dad.

181. I'm doing something important.

182. Well, maybe you can press "pause"?

183. But I'm almost to the next level!

184. Hit "pause."

185. Hi, Daddy.

186. Hey, kid! You excited to come see me tomorrow?

187. I want to stay with mommy.

188. Why?

189. Because there's nothing to do at your house.

190. What do you mean there's nothing to do? We do lots of stuff.

191. We play in the park, we go to the zoo, we make art.

192. Your house is boring!

193. Well, you're coming to see me.

194. Do you have a present for me?

195. No.

196. Hey.

197. Where'd she go?

198. She just handed the phone back.

199. You know, I should have never let you move her out of town.

200. Frank, she didn't like to come visit you even when we lived in Syracuse.

201. All right, well, Alison,

202. see what you can do about changing her mind, okay?

203. Bye.

204. So, we're done talking?

205. No, Brad. Oh, hey, listen, um...

206. I'm not sure I remembered to tell you, but, um...

207. Brad and I are getting married.

208. Well, tell Brad, uh...

209. when he's down there to smell my balls, all right?

210. Frank says hi.

211. Tell him hi back.

212. Bye, Ava!

213. Alison, get her to come, okay?

214. It means everything to me.

215. God, Frank, I'll try, all right?

216. You are such a drama queen.

217. Drama queen! Drama queen!

218. Daddy is a drama queen!

219. Yeah, thanks.

220. Hi, Karen.

221. Hi.

222. Oh, uh...

223. here's that book I was telling you about.

224. Thanks.

225. True, true. But you know what I was thinking?

226. If he plays that good with only one testicle,

227. maybe the whole team should get cancer.

228. - Oh, killed it, boss!

229. I can't believe you said that!

230. Oh, come on, I'm just saying what you're all thinking.

231. Oh, my God! I feel so bad for him. Is he for real?

232. WOMAN #2: Yes, he's for real.

233. He was on "Fat Boy" this morning.

234. That's real all right - real bad!

235. WOMAN #1: Oh! You're real bad!

236. MAN #2: I think he's good.

237. - Not!

238. WOMAN #1: You scared me. You had me.

239. MAN #2: I think I hurt my back on that one!

240. You probably like him secretly.

241. See? Right there.

242. MAN #2: Here comes his pitchy part. Yeah.

243. Oh!

244. So, what about you, Frank?

245. Did you see that freak on "American Superstarz" last night?

246. What?

247. Last night, the freak on "American Superstarz"?

248. No.

249. I mean, yes, I saw that guy accidentally.

250. I don't watch "American Superstarz."

251. You don't watch it, but you saw him.

252. Yeah, right. What, are you too good for the show?

253. Yeah, I'm too good for a karaoke contest

254. that makes stars out of people with no talent.

255. You can't say that, dude!

256. Some of those kids have real talent.

257. No, they don't.

258. They have good pitch. They're relatively clean.

259. They're non-threatening to little girls and old ladies.

260. They have the ability to stand in line

261. with a stadium full of other desperate and confused people.

262. But I assure you, they are talent-free.

263. Yeah, well, I bet 32 million people would disagree with you, bro,

264. 'cause that's how many people called in to vote last year on the finale.

265. I wish I was a super-genius inventor

266. and could come up with a way to make a telephone

267. into an explosive device that was triggered

268. by the "American Superstarz" voting number.

269. The battery could explode and leave a mark on the face

270. so I could know who to avoid talking to before they even talked.

271. Yeah, I could look and say,

272. "Mm, no, you're not gonna be saying anything

273. that's gonna add any value to my life."

274. Yeah, but it's funny. I mean, you gotta admit that.

275. Steven Clark, that's funny shit, Frank.

276. It's not nice to laugh at someone who's not all there.

277. It's the same type of freak-show distraction

278. that comes along every time a mighty empire starts collapsing.

279. "American Superstarz" is the new Colosseum.

280. And I won't participate in watching a show

281. where the weak are torn apart every week for our entertainment.

282. I'm done, really.

283. Everything is so cruel now.

284. I just want it all to stop.

285. I feel sorry for Jennifer Aniston.

286. WOMAN #2: Oh, yeah, it's tragic.

287. You know, and I don't care how many foreigners she adopts,

288. I do not like Angelina Jolie.

289. WOMAN #1: Me either!

290. I mean, nobody talks about anything anymore.

291. They just regurgitate everything they see on TV

292. or hear on the radio or watch on the web.

293. When was the last time you had a real conversation with someone

294. without somebody texting

295. or looking at a screen or a monitor over your head?

296. You know, a conversation about something

297. that wasn't celebrities, gossip, sports, or pop politics?

298. You know, something...

299. something important or something personal?

300. You know what?

301. "Tate and Jeff" were talking about that this morning.

302. They were saying how their freedom of speech is in jeopardy.

303. What, you don't listen to them, either?

304. No, I don't.

305. What, are you more of a "K.T. and the Snake Pit" type of guy?

306. 'Cause those guys are pussies, Frank, all right?

307. And they stole everything they got from "Tate and Jeff."

308. I really don't like any of them.

309. How can you say that, bro?

310. So, maybe they're not "politically correct,"

311. but it's funny, Frank.

312. Well, seeing how as I'm not afraid of foreigners or people with vaginas,

313. I guess I'm just not their target audience.

314. You don't get it.

315. If you got it, you wouldn't be so offended.

316. Oh, I get it, and I am offended.

317. Not because I got a problem

318. with bitter, predictable, whiny millionaire disc jockeys

319. complaining about celebrities or how tough their life is,

320. while I live in an apartment with paper-thin walls

321. next to a couple of Neanderthals

322. who, instead of a baby, decided to give birth

323. to some kind of nocturnal civil defense air-raid siren

324. that goes off every fucking night like it's Pearl Harbor.

325. I'm not offended that they act like it's my responsibility

326. to protect their rights to pick on the weak like pack animals

327. or that we're supposed to support their freedom of speech

328. when they don't give a fuck about yours or mine.

329. So you're against freedom of speech now?

330. That's in the Bill of Rights, man.

331. I would defend their freedom of speech if I thought it was in jeopardy.

332. I would defend their freedom of speech

333. to tell uninspired, bigoted blow-job, gay-bashing racist and rape jokes

334. all under the guise of being edgy, but that's not the edge.

335. That's what sells.

336. They couldn't possibly pander any harder or be more commercially mainstream,

337. because this is the "Oh, no, you didn't say that" generation,

338. where a shocking comment has more weight than the truth.

339. No one has any shame anymore, and we're supposed to celebrate it.

340. I saw a woman throw a used tampon

341. at another woman last night on network television,

342. a network that bills itself as "Today's Woman's" channel.

343. Kids beat each other blind and post it on YouTube.

344. I mean, do you remember

345. when eating rats and maggots on "Survivor" was shocking?

346. It all seems so quaint now.

347. I'm sure the girls from "Two Girls, One Cup"

348. are gonna have their own dating show on VH1 any day now.

349. I mean, why have a civilization anymore

350. if we no longer are interested in being civilized?

351. Frank...

352. Can I see you in my office?

353. Uh, yeah, sure.

354. Come on in. Have a seat.

355. - You know Ronald from HR. - Yeah, yeah.

356. - Hello. - Hi.

357. Frank, there's no easy way to bring this up,

358. so... let's just cut to the chase.

359. What is your relationship to Karen in reception?

360. Frank, what is your relationship to Karen in reception?

361. Oh, well, uh, I just started talking to her recently.

362. She's very nice.

363. We sit together at lunch.

364. ls something wrong?

365. What is she accused of?

366. I find it hard to believe

367. that she would ever do anything to hurt the company.

368. I see.

369. Did you send Karen flowers to her home?

370. Yeah.

371. Yeah, I did.

372. Why?

373. Well, she said she was having a bad day,

374. and I thought it would make her feel better.

375. How did you get her address?

376. I looked it up.

377. I went in the records.

378. You understand that's a huge violation of company policy, right?

379. Well, yeah, but I didn't want to have them delivered to the office.

380. I didn't want to embarrass-

381. Frank, I'm going to have to let you go.

382. You're kidding, right?

383. No, Frank, I'm not kidding.

384. This company has a strict no-tolerance policy

385. about harassment in the workplace, and...

386. Well, Karen doesn't feel safe with you employed here.

387. She's never said anything like that to me.

388. Why don't I go talk to her, and then we'll -

389. Frank, listen to me for a second.

390. Now...

391. I want you to leave quietly.

392. Don't harass Karen or anyone else on the staff as you leave.

393. Your severance checks will be mailed to you.

394. This is ridiculous. I've been here 11 years.

395. I know, Frank. I know it's ridiculous.

396. But it's not me.

397. It's the higher-ups.

398. Let me know if you need a recommendation.

399. Would you ask her for my book back?

400. He wants his book back.

401. Thank you, Danny.

402. A tumor this size is very dangerous.

403. Unfortunately, surgery to remove it can be just as dangerous as leaving it.

404. I advise you to discuss this with your family.

405. I'm sorry.

406. Oh, gotta take this.

407. Yeah.

408. What?

409. I wanted the one with the moon roof.

410. The - The - The -

411. No, like the one we test-drove.

412. I'm going to fuck you.

413. I'm gonna come down to the dealership

414. and I'm gonna fuck you in the ass, you understand?

415. I'm gonna come down there, I'm gonna rip your cock off,

416. I'm gonna shove it right up - No, you know what?

417. I'm gonna tear the cock off of that giant purple gorilla

418. and shove that up your ass.

419. Yes, maybe then you should look into a moon roof.

420. Yeah, that'd be great.

421. Thank you!

422. Do you have any family?

423. No, not really.

424. Sir?

425. You can't be here.

426. This Tuesday,

427. forget everything you know about bowling.

428. This is bowling on steroids!

429. Bowling Beatdown Raw!

430. You think you know bowling?

431. Suck it!

432. All right, people, make me happy. What do you got? Give me something.

433. We got this dude Steven Clark from "American Superstarz."

434. He is a freak, right?

435. It's ridiculous! Very funny!

436. I heard he lives with his mom.

437. Oh, shock! Whoa!

438. You're wasting our time, Steven.

439. What are you doing?

440. Stop bowing. Just stop everything.

441. That guy is a freak.

442. Find out as much about that weirdo as you can, okay?

443. Hi, my name is Chloe.

444. I live in Virginia Beach, and I rule Holy Cross.

445. I love Chloe.

446. She's my bestest friend ever,

447. and I feel really blessed to have her in my life.

448. Like, I don't know what I would do without her.

449. She's, like, my best friend.

450. She's so pretty, she's so beautiful, and she's so rich!

451. I love her! This party is gonna be amazing! Yeah!

452. We love you, Chloe! We love you, Chloe!

453. I only wear labels, and since I live in Virginia,

454. of course I couldn't find a dress good enough for my party.

455. So I told daddy we had to go to Paris.

456. I'm all about couture.

457. We can be twinsies!

458. Mother, you look like a whore!

459. This is about me.

460. God, I hate you! You ruin everything!

461. Use it in good health.

462. - Happy birthday, sweetheart! - Remember, no boys in the back.

463. Baby?

464. Say something, honey. Come on.

465. - The camera's on. - I wanted an Escalade.

466. - You said - - Take it back then!

467. I wanted an Escalade!

468. - Daddy can take it ba- - Get away from me!

469. It's my job as a parent to make her happy,

470. so I screwed up this time, because she's not happy.

471. That's the evidence of it. If she's not happy, I screwed up.

472. So, tell us all about Chloe!

473. Chloe is not just my daughter, she is my best friend.

474. Mother!

475. They're asking me. I'm very popular.

476. Everyone loves me because my family's rich

477. and because I'm so pretty.

478. This is the biggest day of my life, and you're it up!

479. Are you serious? You're so stupid!

480. You're not even doing anything! I'm doing all the work!

481. What the is that, Dad? What the is that?

482. You know what? Let's do this without them around.

483. No, you can stay. I don't care about you, okay?

484. All I -

485. - Hey. - I hate mommy!

486. I hate mommy!

487. What are you talking about?

488. She got me a Blackberry, and I wanted an iPhone.

489. Okay. Okay, honey.

490. Let me talk to your mommy.

491. Hello?

492. You got her a Blackberry?

493. Look, Frank, I don't want to hear it. I feel bad enough as it is.

494. I thought it's what she really wanted.

495. No, I mean, why would you get her a Blackberry or an iPhone?

496. I don't need this right now.

497. Did you talk to her about me picking her up?

498. Ava, princess, do you want to go see your dad?

499. I want an iPhone! I don't want my dad!

500. I hate going there! I never want to see him again!

501. I want an iPhone! I want an iPhone! I want an iPhone!

502. Frank, I gotta go.

503. No, you can stay. You can stay.

504. I don't care about you, okay? All I care about is my party.

505. Turn that off. Dad, listen to me!

506. This is the biggest day of my life, and you're it up!

507. Are you serious?

508. You're so stupid! You're not even doing anything!

509. I'm doing all the work!

510. What the is that, Dad?

511. What the is that?

512. Dad, listen to me! You're not listening to me!

513. You're just talking to the cameras!

514. I don't care about gift bags...

515. Hey, creepy.

516. Isn't the schoolgirl thing a little played out?

517. Goddamn it! No, I don't want that!

518. Mom, it's against the law to talk on the phone when I'm driving.

519. I'm going, okay? Bye!

520. Don't move and don't make a sound.

521. If you want the car, just take it. My parents got me the wrong one anyway.

522. Yeah, that's a fucking tragedy.

523. - What are you doing? - Nothing.

524. Help!

525. Shit! Shit! Fuck! God!

526. Fuck! God damn it!

527. Help!

528. - Fuck! - Chloe?

529. Ow! Ow! Help!

530. Hel-

531. Did you just kill Chloe?

532. Awesome.

533. Hello?

534. Weird drifter guy?

535. Look, I know you're in there!

536. Hi.

537. What are you doing?

538. Nothing.

539. Great! Me too.

540. I'm Roxy. What's your name?

541. Frank.

542. Great! It's really excellent to meet you, Frank.

543. Tell me all about it.

544. About what?

545. Did the bitch cry?

546. Yeah.

547. That is... fantastic!

548. Oh, God, I wish I could have seen it up close!

549. Whoo!

550. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Somebody just made that.

551. Jumping Jesus Christ, Frank!

552. Live it up! This is the best day ever!

553. Who are you killing next?

554. Do you take requests?

555. 'Cause I was thinking maybe some Kardashians.

556. My gym coach.

557. People who give high fives.

558. Really any jock.

559. Twihards.

560. People who talk about "punk rock."

561. - Who else really rips my cock off? - Get off the bed.

562. Oh, Mormons and other religious assholes

563. who won't let gay people be married.

564. And adult women who call their tits "the girls."

565. - Ew, like - - Stop it!

566. Just, please, be quiet.

567. Get off the bed, huh?

568. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

569. I - I'm kind of busy right now.

570. Awesome.

571. Uh, be careful with that.

572. - Wait. - No, don't do that.

573. That's kind of personal.

574. "Dear Ava, your life will be better without me.

575. I'm sorry.

576. Love, Dad."

577. A suicide note?

578. Are you fucking kidding me?

579. God, the greatest thing that ever happened around here,

580. and you're just some sad-sack pussy?

581. Goddamn it.

582. Well, do it, then. I want to watch.

583. Let's go!

584. How do you know I won't kill you?

585. I don't.

586. And, frankly, Frank, I don't fucking care.

587. Frank?

588. What?

589. I got an idea.

590. Okay, go ahead.

591. You sure you're ready now?

592. Yup. All systems go.

593. Wait again!

594. Sorry.

595. Can I say something first?

596. Go ahead.

597. You know, it's just that...

598. you really had the chance to do something awesome here.

599. But you're blowing it, Frank.

600. Now you're just gonna be remembered

601. as some creepy, old stalker dude who was in love

602. with some young twat on a television show.

603. Just a pervy old dude that killed that girl

604. and then himself when he couldn't have her.

605. Wah.

606. I didn't kill her because I couldn't have her.

607. I killed her... because she wasn't nice.

608. And that was a fantastic start, Frank!

609. Your instincts were right on. She was a class-A cunt.

610. But with so many horrible people in the world

611. who should be taking the big dirt nap...

612. why quit now?

613. You kill yourself, Frank,

614. and you're killing the wrong person, which...

615. would be a shame when there are

616. so many other Chloes out there who need to die.

617. Like who?

618. NASCAR fans.

619. Country fans.

620. People who dress their babies in band T-shirts.

621. No, no, no, no. People who deserve to die.

622. All those people do deserve to die.

623. No.

624. Chloe's parents.

625. If anybody comes, you honk the horn.

626. But no matter what you don't get out of the car, you got it?

627. Aye-aye, captain.

628. - I'm not kidding around.

629. - Frank... - What?

630. This is more fun than killing yourself, right?

631. I don't know.

632. Yeah, I guess.

633. Frank...

634. Yeah.

635. Yeah?

636. - Get in the house and shut the fuck up. - Jesus.

637. Get over here. Get over here.

638. - Go! Go! Honey?

639. Get over there by the couch. Get over there.

640. Do what he says.

641. What do you want? We could give you money.

642. Listen, I'm a very rich man.

643. Don't you know who we are? W- We're Chloe's parents!

644. We were all on TV!

645. Yeah, I know exactly who you are.

646. I'm the man that killed your daughter.

647. Goddamn it!

648. Oh, God!

649. - Yes, we did it! - Hey, hey, hey, get off me!

650. I told you to stay in the car!

651. Frank, she was getting away.

652. You mean "thanks"?

653. Yeah. Let's go.

654. That was fucking crazy, right?

655. Yeah.

656. I feel...

657. Good?

658. Yeah.

659. I feel good. It's weird.

660. Thanks. Perfect.

661. You guys need some extra napkins?

662. Look, I'm sorry.

663. I really thought this would work.

664. All right, my turn.

665. Try me again.

666. We're definitely gonna need some new clothes.

667. So, where are we going next?

668. What do you mean "we"?

669. There's no we.

670. Frank, you have to take me with you.

671. No way.

672. Come on, please?

673. No. What about your family?

674. My family?

675. Well, my mother is what you would call a crack whore.

676. I live in a trailer with her and her boyfriend,

677. and every night after she passes out he comes into my room and rapes me.

678. I don't know what to say.

679. Well, let's kill them.

680. Yes!

681. Wait, no.

682. No, no, we can't keep killing people we know.

683. That's how people get caught.

684. We have to keep it random.

685. That's a good idea.

686. See? I'm already helping.

687. So, please, Frank?

688. Can I please come with you?

689. What about your friends?

690. I mean, don't you got any friends you can stay with?

691. Frank...

692. I have no friends.

693. All right.

694. Really? Oh, thank you!

695. Hey, listen, you know, when I say something, it goes.

696. No more of this shit. No more acting on your own.

697. All right. Thank you.

698. The washing machine's broken. What?

699. What are you doing?

700. Seeing if there's anything in the news about us or the murders.

701. - Is there? - Yeah.

702. On the murders. Nothing about us.

703. "Murdered family of reality star found" -

704. Hey, let me see that.

705. - See ya!

706. Oh, my God!

707. I had this shirt.

708. It's still ugly.

709. What do you think?

710. I think that might be a little small on the belly.

711. So, do you have a girlfriend?

712. I'm not gonna answer that question.

713. Why not?

714. 'Cause you're a kid.

715. I don't want to have an inappropriately mature

716. conversation with you, all right?

717. I was only asking because I thought you were gay.

718. Well, I'm not gay.

719. You seem gay.

720. - Really? - Yes.

721. Wow.

722. So, do you? Have a girlfriend?

723. - No. - A wife?

724. I did. Not anymore.

725. Oh.

726. Are you attracted to me?

727. Don't be weird.

728. You don't like me because you think I'm ugly?

729. I'm not attracted to you because you're a child.

730. And you think I'm ugly.

731. I'm not gonna answer that question.

732. Well, what if we were the same age?

733. I'm not gonna answer that question, either.

734. Oh, so you can kill a teenager, just not fuck one?

735. Yeah.

736. But you do think I'm mature for my age.

737. Not particularly.

738. You're seriously not interested in me at all as a girlfriend?

739. What the hell are you talking about? I'm not a pedophile.

740. What, so we're platonic spree killers?

741. Yeah, and that's all.

742. Because you think I'm ugly.

743. It's unethical for me to answer that question,

744. because I refuse to objectify a child.

745. I mean, that's part of what's wrong with everything.

746. I'm not American Apparel.

747. I'm not the creep that came up with those Bratz dolls.

748. All men like young girls.

749. Oh, that's what society's trying to sell ya,

750. but, you know, maybe it's time for adult males

751. to aim a little bit higher than raping kids.

752. I mean, fuck R. Kelly, fuck Vladimir Nabokov,

753. and fuck Mary Kay Letourneau, while we're at it.

754. Fuck Woody Allen

755. and his whole "the heart wants what it wants" bullshit.

756. You know, apparently that erudite genius's heart

757. wants the same thing

758. that every run-of-the-mill pedophile wants -

759. a young, hairless Asian.

760. Nobody cares that they damage other people.

761. I was just wondering if you thought I was pretty.

762. I won't be responsible for the self-esteem of a teenager.

763. If you don't like it, you can cram it.

764. Fuck you, Frank.

765. Frank?

766. Hey.

767. Oh.

768. I thought you left.

769. I thought about it.

770. I got you something.

771. Oh, yeah, yeah. I get it.

772. Bonnie and Clyde, huh?

773. Well, fine, you don't have to wear it.

774. I just don't usually wear hats.

775. My head looks kind of weird in them.

776. Although that one looks pretty good, huh?

777. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

778. Yours looks good. Patty Hearst, right?

779. Thank you for choosing our theater.

780. As a courtesy to your fellow patrons, please refrain from talking

781. and please turn off your cell phones.

782. And now enjoy our feature presentation.

783. War is an atrocity.

784. I mean, it takes young kids -

785. good kids, for the most part -

786. turns them into animals...

787. Hey, bitch. No, I'm not doing anything.

788. I'm in a movie.

789. stuff you never thought you'd do.

790. - Oh, hey, look. - Shh.

791. - How cute, right? - Shh.

792. Okay, mom.

793. - Oh, oh. Shh, shh.

794. Hello? We're in the middle.

795. We're in the middle!

796. Sad face! Is that Matt?

797. Oh, he's bringing food.

798. Hey, did this really happen?

799. Munchies!

800. Thank you!

801. Some of the guys start raping their mothers!

802. Let's go.

803. We go out, get a smoke...

804. Sit down.

805. No place to hide,

806. because the villages were supporting these bastards.

807. So, um...

808. Hey, hey.

809. No, I can't get -

810. I'm at work.

811. I can't. You're gonna have to pick her up today.

812. I can't get there. I'm - I'm working.

813. Yeah. So...

814. What can I tell you? I'm swamped.

815. God.

816. What are you looking at, old man?

817. Frank, don't.

818. - Take your hat off.

819. Let me.

820. Whoa!

821. Goddamn it! Give me that!

822. I'm recording this.

823. Thanks for not talking during the feature.

824. Thanks for turning off your cellphone.

825. You're welcome.

826. Here. You can use this thing as a pillow.

827. Thanks.

828. - Good night, Frank. - Good night.

829. You folks shouldn't be sleeping out here.

830. Can I see your license and registration?

831. Of course, Officer.

832. My dad keeps everything in here.

833. I'm, uh...

834. I'm her uncle.

835. This is my brother-in-law's car

836. 'cause I'm taking her down to see some colleges.

837. Go, big... blue!

838. You have any ID?

839. Yes, I do, sir.

840. All right, I'll be right there.

841. No more sleeping on the side of the road.

842. Do you still need to see my ID?

843. No, that's fine, honey. You just stay safe.

844. Lot of crazy people out there.

845. Tell me about it.

846. Thank you, Officer.

847. What the hell was that about?

848. Hey, at least I don't steal cars.

849. What makes you think it's stolen?

850. All right, I stole it.

851. But from a jerk.

852. What is this?

853. Don't get too attached.

854. Now you go.

855. All right, I'm a little bit bigger than you.

856. You don't gotta "Dirty Harry" it.

857. Wrap your other hand around here.

858. Feel a little stability there, huh?

859. All right, now do it.

860. Pretty good.

861. Just concentrate on that far sight.

862. You're aiming at the bear, right?

863. Don't anticipate the recoil.

864. Just squeeze it and let it go.

865. That's all bear there.

866. I think Elvis would be proud.

867. Pretty good.

868. Thanks.

869. 3:00.

870. 6:00.

871. 12:00!

872. 9:00!

873. 6:00!

874. Six!

875. - Yay! - Yay.

876. Good? - Yeah.

877. Ooh.

878. Migraine?

879. Yeah.

880. Well, we could stop shooting.

881. Yeah, thanks.

882. You did a good job.

883. Well, I have a good coach.

884. That, and I was pretending the targets were the cast of "Glee."

885. What's wrong with "Glee"?

886. It stereotypes and homogenizes homosexuals.

887. Plus, it ruined "Rocky Horror" forever.

888. That's true.

889. You want my money? I'll pay for all your healthcare!

890. Tea Party members

891. continued to taunt the Parkinson's sufferer

892. after he was shoved to the ground.

893. Parkinson's is what God gives socialists!

894. Parkinson's is what God gives socialists!

895. God, I'm so depressed.

896. I mean, I can't believe there's nothing on about us.

897. That's one of the problems of your generation.

898. You can't enjoy anything unless it was recorded.

899. You were there. You lived it.

900. Isn't that enough of an experience?

901. I mean, next time you want to remember something,

902. instead of taking out your cellphone,

903. why don't you take a picture of it with your brain camera?

904. I mean, when I was your age, nobody tweeted,

905. and we managed to have experiences.

906. You know, the phone was attached to a wall back at the house.

907. It didn't have a camera.

908. What are you, Jeff Foxworthy?

909. "And a 'cell' phone was the phone you called your pappy on

910. to get you outta jail.

911. A- doot-doot-doot-doot-doot."

912. Some people are blaming the movie itself for the murders.

913. Is this violent documentary too violent?

914. Do you believe that?

915. I know! We made the news!

916. No, what they're saying.

917. Nobody can take personal responsibility for anything anymore.

918. But that's not what the lone survivor believes.

919. What's the point? - Everybody was talking...

920. goofing around, making noise.

921. I believe they did this because we were all being so rude.

922. How about that?

923. Unbelievable. The truth, and on this channel.

924. The suspects are

925. a Caucasian male in his mid- to late-50s...

926. - Late 50s? - ... and a young woman...

927. in her early to mid 20s, also Caucasian.

928. They are considered armed and very dangerous.

929. - See? They think I'm mature for my age. - Mm-hmm.

930. We're famous!

931. Hey, high five.

932. Come on, don't leave me hanging, Rock-o.

933. No, I don't high five.

934. Mental high five?

935. Yeah, mental high five.

936. Steven Clark.

937. He wasn't the winner on "American Superstarz,"

938. but I think he's a winner.

939. He's back with a new hit single.

940. We want to hear what you think. Give us a tweet.

941. There they go, making fun of the guy who rides the short bus.

942. Yay, America.

943. Ready? Your turn.

944. Okay.

945. Just think about blowing your head off.

946. - Come on.

947. Okay. Ready?

948. Completely random.

949. Could happen at any time.

950. - Ready? Am I going? - Yeah. You're going.

951. - That's good. - Okay.

952. - You know what I hate? - What?

953. I hate guys that say "actually" all the time.

954. Like, "You actually got a gun to your head."

955. - That's a good one. - You're actually - Oh.

956. You're actually still alive.

957. You know what else I hate?

958. People who misuse the term "literally."

959. Okay, ready?

960. Literal people, I guess.

961. - Ooh. - Okay.

962. - We're getting close. - Uh-huh.

963. I hate guys that buy $100,000 cars

964. and then drive them around 10 miles slower than the speed limit.

965. Pow! Ooh.

966. I hate guys who wear lady pants.

967. Lady pants?

968. - Ugh. - Whoa.

969. Okay.

970. I'm no mathematician, but my odds are not good.

971. Well, Pythagoras, it may be time to die.

972. How'd that feel?

973. It felt good. It's a good night to die.

974. VELOCitea Energy Drink.

975. It's in your face.

976. Frank, let me sleep in the chair.

977. No, I'm all right.

978. Come on. Sleep in the bed.

979. You're the one with the fucked-up headaches.

980. No, this is good.

981. Behold, the walls of Jericho!

982. No, I'm fine.

983. Jesus, Frank, get in bed or I'm sleeping on the floor.

984. I'm sleeping on the floor. Here I go.

985. Do you see this?

986. I'm going down.

987. Ugh, Frank, it smells!

988. I wouldn't trust that floor.

989. Come on, Frank.

990. What are we gonna do now?

991. Well...

992. What's our prime directive?

993. I didn't have you pegged as a "Star Trek" fan.

994. What's that supposed to mean?

995. I don't know. I figured you more for...

996. the new "Battlestar Galactica."

997. Maybe some graphic novels.

998. Bands like Fall Out Boy and the Green Days.

999. Oh, fuck you, Frank!

1000. I happen to like classic and Next Gen "Star Trek."

1001. And I'm actually able to read a book without pictures,

1002. thank you, and I prefer the classics.

1003. I'm not ashamed to admit

1004. to the occasional Anne Rice or "Harry Potter."

1005. Fall Out Boy and Green Day suck shit through 10 bricks.

1006. Musically I'm all about Alice Cooper.

1007. I like Alice Cooper.

1008. You don't like Alice Cooper, Frank.

1009. That's - That's like a Muslim saying that he likes Muhammad.

1010. You...

1011. accept Alice Cooper.

1012. You accept that Alice came down

1013. and gave us rock that upset authority figures

1014. and made the outcasts not feel so all alone.

1015. You accept that there would be no goth movement without Alice,

1016. no Trent Reznor, no Marilyn Manson,

1017. not even shitty soft cock-rockers like Poison or Bon Jovi

1018. because not only did he introduce macabre theatrics into rock,

1019. he also invented the power ballad

1020. with a little song called "Only Women Bleed."

1021. Okay, I get it.

1022. I promise I won't kill Alice Cooper.

1023. Hey, don't even joke about it, Frank.

1024. Do you realize that he was the first rock star to wear makeup?

1025. And he was wearing dresses

1026. long before Bowie stole his first pair of culottes

1027. from his mother's clothesline.

1028. And he was screaming about death and frustration way before punk,

1029. so I guess you have to accept that Alice Cooper invented that, too.

1030. Are you A.D.D., Juno?

1031. Yes, I have A.D.D.,

1032. and don't you ever call me fucking Juno again.

1033. Sorry.

1034. That's who we should kill next.

1035. A fictitious character?

1036. No, Diablo Cody.

1037. You know, fuck her for writing that movie.

1038. She's the only stripper who suffers from too much self-esteem.

1039. I don't want to kill people

1040. just because you don't like their movies.

1041. Why not?

1042. She's encouraging teen pregnancy,

1043. her storylines and characters are for shit,

1044. and she's just so excited

1045. to throw any funny line she's heard into the scene

1046. that she makes girls my age

1047. look like cutesy assholes from a dirty Dr. Seuss book.

1048. "Horton Hears a Star-Bellied Queef. Blah."

1049. I only want to kill people who deserve to die.

1050. You know who we should kill?

1051. Mm?

1052. People who use "rock-star" as an adjective.

1053. As in "rock-star parking"?

1054. Or people that pound energy drinks all day.

1055. People who use the term "edgy," "in-your-face," or "extreme."

1056. No, no, no, wait.

1057. That would rule out a lot of the chalupas that I love.

1058. Anyone who wears crystals or calls themselves "spiritual."

1059. Or people who say "Namaste. "

1060. What's that?

1061. It's an Indian greeting the hippies stole.

1062. Aw, hippies!

1063. Anyone who buys an anarchy T-shirt.

1064. Or people that use the term "the man" in a positive or negative light,

1065. as in, "The man is always sticking it to us,"

1066. or "You're the man!"

1067. - Anyone who's ever been "pumped." - Or "stoked."

1068. Anyone who gives and receives physical high fives.

1069. - Agreed. Oh, really?

1070. Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

1071. Not gonna let you play the freedom of speech here on my show, okay?

1072. Okay? Let me explain something to you.

1073. I would much rather lose my rights to freedom of speech

1074. than ever have the A.C.I.U. defend my right to freedom of speech.

1075. And another thing, you pinhead.

1076. The A.C.I.U. - take heed, America -

1077. I think is more dangerous to the United States than al-Qaeda.

1078. I'll give you a chance to respond

1079. if you have anything articulate to say right after this.

1080. More of the full story...

1081. Anyone who makes a living spreading fear to the masses.

1082. Or is just plain mean.

1083. Mm.

1084. So... our prime directive

1085. is to interfere with the cultural evolution

1086. of a pre-warp civilization.

1087. I got to go to sleep. My head is killing me.

1088. Stop it.

1089. What? I was trying to help your headache.

1090. It's a pressure point. I wasn't being sensual.

1091. Yeah, people who use the term "sensual."

1092. Gross.

1093. You said it.

1094. Hey, Frank?

1095. Mm-hmm?

1096. Thanks for letting me come along with you.

1097. Good night, Juno.

1098. Fuck you, Frank.

1099. We gonna do this or what?

1100. What do you think?

1101. Looks good.

1102. Jesus, Frank, you look like fuck pie.

1103. Oh, there he is.

1104. Ladies.

1105. I gotta get back to working out.

1106. Did we get him?

1107. No, I think we just winged him.

1108. Is he breathing?

1109. I don't know.

1110. Whoa.

1111. You stop moving or I shoot her.

1112. You don't have the balls.

1113. Really? I don't?

1114. Fuck you, you condescending prick!

1115. Why do you got to be so rude all the time?

1116. Is that what this is all about?

1117. Huh? My show?

1118. Shit.

1119. You must really hate my politics, huh?

1120. Look, you kill me, you just turn me into a martyr.

1121. I don't hate your politics.

1122. In fact, I agree with you on some things.

1123. - You do? - Yeah.

1124. Then, what is this about?

1125. Why do you go to be so mean all the time?

1126. Are you really willing to die just because you don't think I'm nice?

1127. Do you have it in you, Fuller?

1128. How long has it been since you actually had to shoot someone?

1129. Oh, wait. You never have.

1130. I forgot. You never served in the military.

1131. You had your parents help you dodge the draft

1132. just like every other rich blowhard

1133. who makes a living off of American xenophobes.

1134. It seems like you guys just exploited some tragedies

1135. to further your agenda.

1136. In fact, it seems like it's always been about

1137. protecting big oil companies' right to keep boiling the whole world alive

1138. just because some court-appointed, hillbilly president

1139. started taking orders from Jesus or the Easter Bunny

1140. or some other make-'em-up play-friend of his.

1141. Please!

1142. That is just your typical uneducated, left-wing, "femonazi" point of view.

1143. Feminazi.

1144. Again, why do you got to be so mean?

1145. He just wishes everyone would act nice.

1146. I, on the other hand, think your politics are shit.

1147. Well -

1148. You bitch!

1149. Yep.

1150. Exactly what part of his politics do you agree with?

1151. Less gun control, of course.

1152. But, Frank... then every nut will have a gun.

1153. Wow.

1154. Look at all these people.

1155. Yeah, I wish I had an AK-47.

1156. Bam.

1157. Supporters of Michael Fuller are calling him a hero,

1158. believing that his homicide is tied to the outspoken support of the war

1159. and possibly the work

1160. of a terrorist sleeper cell within our own borders.

1161. Fuller was right.

1162. He's a fucking martyr.

1163. Fucking morons.

1164. I don't care. I'm just glad he's dead.

1165. Is that your ex-wife?

1166. Yeah.

1167. She's pretty.

1168. Yep.

1169. I don't care if we're late. I hate school!

1170. I thought that was you, Frank.

1171. Oh, hi, Brad.

1172. New wheels?

1173. Yeah.

1174. You want to come say hi?

1175. School sucks!

1176. Nah. They look kind of busy.

1177. Who's your friend?

1178. A friend.

1179. Ohh...

1180. Well, uh... give us a call if you decide to stay in town.

1181. I'm sure the girls would love to see ya.

1182. Yeah, thanks.

1183. Hey... don't tell 'em we were here, al right?

1184. Oh, roger that.

1185. Will you get Ava's backpack from the house?

1186. Sure thing!

1187. I want my backpack.

1188. You're killing me, honey. You're killing me!

1189. So, are we gonna kill him?

1190. No! Not that one! I hate that one!

1191. I want my other one!

1192. Just - Just get the blue one. Get the blue one.

1193. Nah.

1194. I want him to suffer.

1195. Isn't it early for beer?

1196. This doesn't seem like the type of place to order the Cognac.

1197. Have you been to a doctor?

1198. Yeah. I'm fine.

1199. Give me your hand.

1200. It's not gonna work.

1201. Is this some kind of new-age bullshi-

1202. Aah, aah, aah, aah!

1203. Shh...

1204. Can't believe that's actually working.

1205. Shut up and give me your other hand.

1206. Gentle.

1207. Aah, aah!

1208. You know what you need, Frank?

1209. A straw?

1210. You need a vacation.

1211. Because you're all Commies! Pinko Commies!

1212. Here, take all my money. What, are we in Russia?

1213. Are we in Russia? Is that what's going on here?

1214. Run, man!

1215. You really got to take both those spots?

1216. - Yeah. Fuck you.

1217. No, fuck you.

1218. Back in! Back in! Get back in!

1219. That's beautiful.

1220. Yeah. That's God's country.

1221. Come on, Frank. Let's dance.

1222. Oh, I don't dance.

1223. Oh, come on! I'll lead!

1224. I doubt that.

1225. Come on, everybody!

1226. Want to get away? So do I.

1227. Thank you.

1228. I know. Everybody on board.

1229. We're getting away, aren't we? Thank you.

1230. Oh, stop it! Thank you so much.

1231. No, it's always my pleasure.

1232. I loved doing that,

1233. but next I'm gonna do a little rap song you're gonna like.

1234. "Fuck the Police."

1235. No, I'm kidding! I'm not gonna do that one.

1236. Thank you all.

1237. Where'd you hide 'em after you killed 'em?

1238. I told you the truth, Sheriff.

1239. I didn't kill them.

1240. I just wanted to scare them...

1241. I've been thinking.

1242. Let's go legit.

1243. What do you mean? Turn ourselves in?

1244. No.

1245. Like, let's move to France

1246. or some other country that hates Americans.

1247. Well, if we get caught later, France wouldn't extradite us.

1248. And we could have a cute, little French farm

1249. and raise cute, little French goats

1250. and make cute, little French cheeses,

1251. and have a bunch of other adorable, little French animals.

1252. Sounds nice.

1253. Here, give me your hand.

1254. I still can't believe that works.

1255. Do you Know where you're going to?

1256. Well, we know where Steven Clark is going to.

1257. The "American Superstarz" performer

1258. has been asked to perform on the live finale of the show

1259. after last week's failed attempt to take his own life.

1260. Good news.

1261. We should kill all those people.

1262. They make fun of that guy till he's ready to kill himself.

1263. Then, they exploit him

1264. so everybody can feel better about laughing at him

1265. and pushing him over the edge in the first place.

1266. I really hate this country.

1267. That's why we're moving to France.

1268. Hello.

1269. Hey, Doc, it's Frank Murdoch. You left a message.

1270. Yes, I did, Frank.

1271. Uh, I have some bad news.

1272. Uh, you don't have a brain tumor.

1273. What?

1274. You're not gonna die.

1275. I don't understand.

1276. I mean, I saw the tumor. You showed it to me.

1277. Yes, there was a tumor in an MRI,

1278. but that was Frank Burdoch with a "B",

1279. not Frank Murdoch with an "M".

1280. Wait, what is the bad news, then?

1281. Because this cocksucker Burdoch's probably gonna sue me.

1282. He's a real ball-buster. You know what I mean?

1283. But how come my head hurts all the time, then?

1284. I don't fucking know, Frank.

1285. I mean, maybe you sit too close to the computer.

1286. Maybe you got high blood pressure. Maybe you don't exercise enough.

1287. Maybe it's, uh, too much Viagra, too much caffeine.

1288. What the fuck do I know?

1289. Hey, uh, you're not gonna sue me, are ya?

1290. Ah, no, no. No, I wouldn't do that, Doc.

1291. Well, that's a relief, Frank.

1292. Well, hey, thanks for the good news, Doc.

1293. Well, I got to go call that cocksucker Burdoch now

1294. and tell him the bad news.

1295. You take care, Frank.

1296. Let's sell the car and move to France.

1297. Really?

1298. Oh, I think it would be très magnifique.

1299. I know a lot of French. I know a lot of wines.

1300. I know how to ask where the library is.

1301. I know how to bum a cigarette.

1302. I know Oh là là, but that's about it.

1303. I know Oui. What else could we need?

1304. Speaking of which, I have to wee.

1305. Oh, snap.

1306. Hey, buddy.

1307. What's up with the girl?

1308. Pardon?

1309. I know she's not your daughter.

1310. I can tell by the way she makes you smile.

1311. She's my niece.

1312. Yeah, I got a lot of nieces.

1313. How much for a date?

1314. I think you got the wrong idea, sir.

1315. Yeah, you stick to that story.

1316. I don't think I do.

1317. You have a good one.

1318. I know you're gonna have a good day.

1319. God bless.

1320. Hey, don't use up all the hot water this time.

1321. I won't!

1322. God, you better not be this uptight in France.

1323. You don't have to shower in France.

1324. We'd like to take this chance

1325. to thank everybody in our community and the media

1326. for helping us in our search for Roxanne.

1327. We pray that she's still alive and that she makes it home to us.

1328. Roxanne, we miss you and we love you.

1329. Anyone with any information on the...

1330. God fuckin' damn it!

1331. You son of a bitch!

1332. Get off me!

1333. Frank?

1334. - Is that you?

1335. What happened?

1336. - Your parents! What?

1337. Yeah, I just saw 'em on the TV.

1338. You lied to me!

1339. Well, would you have taken me along

1340. if I told you that I lived in a normal house

1341. with a set of normal parents who didn't abuse me

1342. but also didn't even try and understand me?

1343. That every day in my normal life felt like a million years?

1344. And that I spent all day, every day, being told what to do and what to think

1345. by people who I'm a million times smarter than,

1346. but since it's not polite to acknowledge that,

1347. I just had to pretend to listen to?

1348. That every single morning, I just woke up and wished

1349. that anything not normal would happen?

1350. Here are the keys to that car.

1351. Where am I supposed to go?

1352. I don't care! Go back to your parents.

1353. - Just stay out of my life.

1354. I don't got time for you!

1355. You're just like everybody else. I don't got time for liars!

1356. Oh, fuck you, Frank!

1357. You're just a pathetic, broken man!

1358. Cocksucker!

1359. And, thankfully, that's helping.

1360. We are concerned that the perpetrator is still out there.

1361. We couldn't be happier at this moment.

1362. Everything that we've been through.

1363. Now we're reunited as a family.

1364. Planning a family vacation.

1365. We're going to Disneyland!

1366. You Frank?

1367. Frank, you didn't really tell me

1368. exactly what you were looking for when you called,

1369. so I brought you kind of a gun pupu platter.

1370. We got your.357 Magnum.

1371. Nickel finish, six shots, eight-inch barrel.

1372. It's.357, so you know it's got some punch to it.

1373. You put this to the back of some nigger's head,

1374. all you're gonna see is pink mist.

1375. No, maybe not. Maybe not for you.

1376. Old school.

1377. Walther P38.

1378. German, nine-millimeter, made during the second World War.

1379. I mean, who knows how to kill people better than Germans, right?

1380. You know it's got to be good.

1381. You're not a Jew, Frank, are you?

1382. I'm just asking 'cause, you know, I brought up a German gun.

1383. Um, okay, hey, maybe,

1384. maybe you're looking for something that's a little bigger.

1385. Little more firepower.

1386. See what we got that may strike your fancy here.

1387. Huh?

1388. Is that a honey or what?

1389. AK-47.

1390. When you absolutely, positively have to waste

1391. every single motherfucker in the room,

1392. accept no substitute.

1393. I can see you like this. Definitely.

1394. 7.62 x 39.

1395. It's an assault rifle, but it's still light.

1396. And talk about reliable?

1397. Frank, I could throw this off the roof.

1398. I could run this over with my car.

1399. I could bury it in the dirt and dig it up, and it'll still fire.

1400. That's how reliable that is.

1401. Best mass-produced combat weapon ever made.

1402. Look at this. That fits you.

1403. Look at this. You're friggin' Rambo, man!

1404. Look at that. Look. I love it!

1405. You know what? You don't even have to aim this thing.

1406. It's a spray-and-pray kind of weapon.

1407. I mean, what's better than that, right?

1408. Now, the one thing is this is not a cheap weapon.

1409. This is an assault rifle,

1410. so we're looking around two grand for this.

1411. So, I don't know if that's in your budget,

1412. but what I will do,

1413. I got three fully loaded 30-round mags in here

1414. that I will throw in for that $2,000.

1415. That's a steal.

1416. For a weapon of that quality, you know.

1417. This something you can afford?

1418. Yeah, I want the case, too.

1419. Oh, grea- Hey, great! You know what?

1420. ls there anything else I can get you while we're talking about the gun?

1421. Blow? Meth?

1422. What did I say?

1423. Live! "American Superstarz" finale!

1424. Ladies and gentlemen, the moment we've all been waiting for.

1425. Welcome to the stage my man, Steven Clark!

1426. Yeah. Yeah.

1427. Please, just go around.

1428. Look at me.

1429. I've killed many people. I'll kill you, too.

1430. The question is, do you want to die for this shitty television show?

1431. Hey, man, I'm just trying to make a living here.

1432. I don't even watch the show.

1433. That's the right answer.

1434. I'll give you five.

1435. One... two...

1436. three... four...

1437. Yeah!

1438. All right!

1439. All my ladies!

1440. In other news,

1441. Lindsay Lohan maintains that she is still sober and happy.

1442. Yeah! Right!

1443. But she does look great in that new jewelry, right?

1444. Oh, and speaking of the Hollywood wildlife,

1445. is that sasquatch by the marquee pool?

1446. Oh, no, it's Robin Williams.

1447. MAN #2: He got a gun! Everybody run!

1448. Yeah! All my people!

1449. Put your hands in the air!

1450. Now wave it like you care!

1451. Yeah!

1452. Ah ha ha!

1453. Yeah!

1454. Yeah!

1455. When I say "do," you say "don't."

1456. - Do! - Don't!

1457. Hey, man, you can't be there.

1458. Hey, are you deaf?

1459. Oh, hell, yeah!

1460. Dancing time!

1461. Yeah!

1462. - Yeah! All right, do you know? - Boo!

1463. You suck!

1464. Nobody move!

1465. Sit down!

1466. I said nobody move!

1467. Next time anybody moves,

1468. I'm bringing the roof down!

1469. Can I go?

1470. No, stay here, Steven.

1471. Okay.

1472. Get up.

1473. I said get up!

1474. You're kidding me, right?

1475. You two, get up here.

1476. No, sir. Please. Please!

1477. You don't want to do this.

1478. How do you know what I want to do?

1479. Just take it easy.

1480. Yeah, come on. Both of you, get up here!

1481. Freeze, Officer!

1482. I'll put a bullet right in her head.

1483. So, you think Steven's funny, huh?

1484. I saw you laughing.

1485. I'm gonna ask you again.

1486. You think he's funny?

1487. Yes.

1488. Why don't you dance?

1489. Come on, play the song.

1490. Come on, dance.

1491. I said dance! Come on!

1492. And sing!

1493. Sing it!

1494. You, too! You used to sing.

1495. And you all boo and laugh like you were.

1496. - Come on, louder than that!

1497. Frank! 9:00!

1498. What the hell was that?

1499. You try anything stupid again, I swear, I will bring the roof in!

1500. What are you doing here?

1501. I'm sorry I lied to you, Frank.

1502. What do you want?

1503. I want you to put your guns down.

1504. You know we can't do that.

1505. Well, I'm gonna keep shooting judges until you do.

1506. That wasn't a policeman that came up behind ya.

1507. That was a security guard acting on his own.

1508. So, just calm down.

1509. Would you tell me who you are?

1510. Who I am?

1511. Sure.

1512. Is that thing on?

1513. My name is Frank.

1514. But that's not important.

1515. The important question is, who are you?

1516. America...

1517. has become a cruel and vicious place.

1518. We reward the shallowest, the dumbest,

1519. the meanest, and the loudest.

1520. No longer have any common sense of decency.

1521. No sense of shame.

1522. There's no right and wrong.

1523. The worst qualities in people are...

1524. looked up to and celebrated.

1525. Lying? Spreading fear? Fine.

1526. As long as you make money doing it.

1527. We've become a nation

1528. of slogan-saying, bile-spewing hatemongers.

1529. We've lost our kindness.

1530. We've lost our soul.

1531. What have we become

1532. when we take the weakest in our society

1533. and we hold them up to be ridiculed?

1534. Laughed at for our sport and entertainment.

1535. Laughed at to the point

1536. where they would literally rather kill themselves

1537. than live with us anymore.

1538. Frank?

1539. Yeah, Steven?

1540. I didn't try to kill myself because people were making fun of me.

1541. I tried to kill myself

1542. because they weren't gonna put me on TV anymore.

1543. You are a pretty girl.

1544. Thank you, Frank.