Ghost World (2001)

1. High school is like the training wheels

2. for the bicycle of real life.

3. It is a time when young people can explore

4. different fields of interests

5. and hopefully learn from their experiences.

6. In coming to terms with my own personal setback,

7. I have been able to learn

8. that I don't need to rely on drugs and alcohol,

9. and that I'm very lucky that more people

10. besides myself and kerry

11. weren't injured in the accident,

12. and I have learned

13. that to overcome life's obstacles

14. you need faith, hope,

15. and above all,

16. a sense of humor.

17. No more education

18. It's time for celebration

19. 'cause this is the day of our high school graduation

20. We've stayed for the duration

21. Achieved matriculation

22. Now we're the newest members of the general population

23. God, what a bunch of retards.

24. God, I know.

25. I thought that chipmunk-face was never gonna shut up.

26. I know. I liked her so much better

27. when she was an alcoholic crack addict.

28. She gets in one car wreck

29. and all of a sudden she's little miss perfect

30. and everyone loves her.

31. Let's see if they gave me the right diploma.

32. What?

33. What?

34. These assholes are saying I have to go to summer school

35. and take some stupid art class.

36. Why?

37. I didn't think that just 'cause you get an "f"

38. you have to take the whole class over again.

39. Loser.

40. Wow. This is so bad, it's almost good.

41. This is so bad, it's gone past good

42. and back to bad again.

43. At least we'll never have to see

44. any of these creepy faces ever again.

45. Unless they're in your summer school class.

46. Shut up.

47. Don't—don't turn around.

48. What, why?

49. Don't turn around.

50. Damn it.

51. Oh, my God. You guys, I can't believe we made it.

52. Yeah. We graduated high school.

53. How totally amazing.

54. So what are you guys doing this summer?

55. Nothing.

56. Well, I'm going to this actor's workshop,

57. and I'm hoping to start auditions soon.

58. Oh, we have to get together this summer.

59. Yeah.

60. That'll definitely happen.

61. Oh, well, bye, you guys.

62. Congratulations!

63. Hey, Rebecca.

64. Oh, hi.

65. So, we finally—

66. what about me?

67. Am I not even here?

68. Hey. Hey, enid.

69. So, we finally made it, huh?

70. Yeah.

71. So, uh, where are you gonna go to college?

72. We're not.

73. Really?

74. Both of you? Why not?

75. Just because.

76. Yeah, we made other plans.

77. I guess I should have figured

78. that you two would do something different.

79. So, Todd, what are you gonna be when you grow up?

80. Um, well, I'm majoring

81. in business administration,

82. and I'm thinking of minoring

83. in communications, so—

84. see, that's exactly the type of thing

85. we're trying to avoid.

86. Look at this.

87. Is Stacy himmler going out with rod harbaugh?

88. Oh, God. How perfect.

89. He better watch out

90. or he'll get aids when he date-rapes her.

91. Where is the love

92. You said you'd give to me

93. Soon as you were free

94. Will it ever be

95. God, just think.

96. We'll never see Dennis again.

97. Good.

98. No, really. Think about that.

99. It's actually totally depressing.

100. Man on television: Is it crazy for an oil company

101. to care about the environment?

102. We don't think so.

103. I already told you

104. I'm not going to college.

105. Well, I think it's a good idea

106. to keep all your options open.

107. You can even enroll in the winter quarter.

108. You could—actually, you could live here

109. and go to the city college part time,

110. and, I don't know, still get a job if you want.

111. Look at me.

112. I'm not even listening to a word you're saying.

113. Oh, did I tell you who I ran into at the bagel place?

114. Who?

115. Guess.

116. How should I know?

117. Well...

118. someone from the past.

119. Who?

120. You give up?

121. Yes.

122. Maxine.

123. Notthemaxine.

124. Mmm, yeah.

125. Oh, God. How horrifying.

126. Mmm.

127. It's very good.

128. Jesus.

129. Hi.

130. Check out these people behind you.

131. I'm totally convinced they're satanists.

132. So when are we gonna start looking for our apartment?

133. Soon.

134. I have to wait and see how this summer class goes first.

135. God, it's so weird

136. that we're finally out of high school.

137. We've been waiting for this, like, our whole lives.

138. It's such a weird feeling.

139. Yeah. It hasn't really hit me yet.

140. Well, well, well.

141. If it isn't enid and Rebecca.

142. The little Jewish girl and her Aryan friend.

143. You're late, asshole.

144. Fine, and how are you?

145. Did you bring the tape?

146. You never paid me for the tape of that Indian dance routine.

147. Yes, I did.

148. You Jews are so clever with money.

149. Fuck you! You stupid redneck hick.

150. There they go.

151. Look, the satanists are leaving.

152. Hey, we should follow them.

153. Oh, we totally have to.

154. Oh, my God!

155. So, what do you do

156. if you're a satanist, anyway?

157. Sacrifice virgins and stuff.

158. Well, that let's us off the hook.

159. How the hell did we get so far behind them?

160. I don't know. That's just great.

161. Jesus!

162. Ooh, yay.

163. Oh, my God.

164. Look at this.

165. "Wowsville"?

166. Authentic fifties diner.

167. Since when were there mini-malls

168. in the 1950s?

169. Music for the riders

170. we off the hook

171. Music for the riders

172. Who could forget this great hit

173. from the 50s, huh?

174. I feel as though I've stepped

175. into a time warp.

176. Hey, check out the awesome 50s hairdo

177. on our waiter.

178. Hi.

179. My name is Allen,

180. and I'll be your waiter this afternoon.

181. Hi, Al.

182. Can we call you "Weird Al"?

183. I'd imagine so.

184. You should check out the personals.

185. Maybe our future husbands are trying to contact us.

186. Here we go.

187. "Windsurfing doctor, mensan IQ,

188. "Maverick sagittarius.

189. Let's hit the clubs, make each other laugh."

190. you can have that one.

191. Jesus, listen to this one.

192. "Do you remember me, airport shuttle,

193. "June 7?

194. "You, striking blond with yellow dress,

195. "pearl necklace, brown shoes.

196. "I was the bookish fellow

197. "in the green cardigan

198. "who helped you find your contact lens.

199. Am I crazy, or did we have a moment?"

200. God, that's so pathetic.

201. I mean, she probably didn't even notice him.

202. I know, and he's, like,

203. psychotically obsessing

204. over every little detail.

205. We should call him and pretend to be the blond.

206. Oh, we totally have to.

207. It's his machine.

208. Hi, it's me.

209. Your striking blond.

210. Of course I remember you.

211. Let's get together for lunch sometime.

212. How about Friday at 1:00?

213. Meet me at my favorite restaurant,

214. wowsville.

215. It's in the mall on century parkway.

216. See you there, darling.

217. Oh, yeah, and be sure

218. to wear that sexy green cardigan.

219. Oh! It's that comedian I was telling you about.

220. I still live with my mother...

221. he's the absolute worst.

222. peculiar.

223. So what if she's been dead for 15 years?

224. See? That's barely even a joke.

225. Well, it's like I always say...

226. take my life. Please.

227. Joey McCobb,

228. the weirdest man in show business.

229. If he's so weird, how come he's wearing nikes?

230. Joey McCobb is our God.

231. I wanna do him. I bet.

232. Actually, he kind of reminds me

233. of that one guy you went out with—Larry.

234. God, what look was he going for,

235. a gay tennis player from the forties?

236. Fuck you.

237. You dated him.

238. Why do you have this?

239. I don't know.

240. You lent it to me in, like, tenth grade.

241. Oh, look at how cute I am.

242. What a little hose bag.

243. Oh, look, there's my dad with Maxine.

244. God, look at her. What a fucking monster.

245. If he starts dating her again, I'll kill myself.

246. Listen, lady,

247. you tell me you want to relax your hair.

248. So you either sing it a lullaby

249. or you use this. It's all I've got.

250. Hey, what you doing?

251. You have 5 minutes left on your shift.

252. Well, hello there,

253. young employee of the sidewinder.

254. Look, I already told you guys,

255. I'm not gonna give you a ride.

256. What can you tell me, young man,

257. about the, uh, various flavors of frozen yogurt?

258. I'll be done in a minute.

259. Can you guys, like, wait outside or something?

260. Oh, I don't understand.

261. I simply wish to know the various—

262. Josh, what are you doing?

263. In addition to our old favorites,

264. chocolate and vanilla,

265. this week we are featuring

266. 6-gun strawberry, wild cherry roundup,

267. and 10-gallon tangerine.

268. I don't believe I care for any of those.

269. What's up, Josh?

270. Hey, give me 2 packs of cigarettes today.

271. Working overtime. 16 hours.

272. And, uh, nature's nectar,

273. wake up juice.

274. And give me, uh, like,

275. 6 of these beef jerkys.

276. Hungry enough to chew the crotch

277. out of a rag doll.

278. Hey! Hey, you!

279. How many times I tell you,

280. no shirt, no service.

281. Get the hell out of my store.

282. What do you think this is, club med?

283. It's America, dude. Learn the rules.

284. No, no, you learn the rules.

285. We greeks invented democracy.

286. You also invented homos.

287. Fuck you.

288. You wish. You gotta buy me dinner first.

289. So.

290. Look, can we talk about this in a minute?

291. Seriously, I'm like this close to being done.

292. Yeah.

293. Son of a bitch.

294. Hey, what do you think you're doing?

295. Turn off that goddamn noise.

296. Rock 'n' roll, baby. Freedom of speech.

297. What do you think this is, Woodstock?

298. That guy rules!

299. Let's go, pops. Who, Doug?

300. That guy spends more time in here

301. than I do.

302. It's my parking lot.

303. So, Josh, will you please give us a ride?

304. Please, Josh?

305. No.

306. Please? It'll be super fun.

307. Please, Josh.

308. Look, I don't see why you guys

309. even need a ride.

310. You could walk there in 2 minutes.

311. It's just an excuse for us

312. to spend time with you, Josh.

313. If this guy freaks out, will you protect us?

314. This guy has every reason to freak out.

315. When you think about it,

316. this is a pretty fucked up thing

317. to do to somebody.

318. I think Josh is becoming too mature for us.

319. Oh, look, maybe that's him.

320. Mmm, no, it's still 25 minutes too early.

321. Aren't there like a million places like this?

322. Um, this is the ultimate.

323. It's like the Taj Mahal of fake fifties diners.

324. So where's the weird Al guy?

325. Shh!

326. Oh, there he is back there.

327. I can see his hair bobbing up and down.

328. I wanna make love to him.

329. I'm gonna tell him you said that.

330. So nice to see you again, ladies.

331. Hi, weird Al.

332. My friend here has—

333. shut up!

334. She says she wants to—

335. shut up!

336. supersonic, technophonic...

337. Oh, my God.

338. God, that is obviously him.

339. Hey sha-LA-ba, doop doop sha-LA-ba

340. Ooh, sha-LA-ba, doop doop sha-LA-bee-ya-ba

341. Hey, sha-LA-ba

342. doop doop sha-LA-ba

343. Ooh, sha-LA-ba

344. Doop doop sha-LA-ba-da

345. Ooh sha-LA-ba

346. Oh, my God.

347. He just ordered a giant glass of milk.

348. That's a vanilla milkshake.

349. In the sun, sun, sun

350. 'Cause you're the one, one, one

351. We're gonna have fun

352. We are gonna have...

353. Oh, God, this is totally unbearable.

354. In the sun, sun, sun

355. 'Cause you're the one, one, one

356. We're gonna have fun

357. gonna have fun, fun, fun

358. in the sun, sun, sun

359. Fucking asshole! What's wrong with you?

360. Oh, my God.

361. It's him.

362. Can anybody drive?

363. He's insane.

364. We should follow him home.

365. Forget it.

366. Oh, come on, Josh.

367. Don't you want to at least

368. see where this guy lives?

369. No.

370. God, he lives right in our neighborhood.

371. He doesn't even look

372. all that bummed out, really.

373. I know.

374. Well, wouldn't he be, like, totally pissed off?

375. This type of thing

376. must happen to him all the time.

377. Mirror, father, mirror.

378. Mirror, father, mirror.

379. Mirror, father, mirror.

380. Mirror, father, mirror.

381. Mirror, father, mirror.

382. Mirror, father, mirror.

383. That piece is entitled mirror, father, mirror.

384. I like to show it to people

385. that I'm meeting for the first time,

386. because I think it says so much about who I am

387. and what it feels like

388. to inhabit my specific skin.

389. And this is exactly

390. what I'm hoping to get from each of you

391. over the course of this summer.

392. A picture of your own self-exploration.

393. Now my own background

394. is in video and performance art.

395. But I'm hoping that doesn't influence you

396. too much,

397. and you'll find your own ways

398. of externalizing the internal.

399. And at the end of the summer,

400. this class has been invited

401. to participate in a show

402. of high school art

403. at the neighborhood activity center.

404. The title of the show will be

405. "brotherhood and community:

406. Art as dialogue."

407. are there any questions so far?

408. Great.

409. This is really creepy.

410. We just need to find out

411. what apartment he's in,

412. and we'll stalk him from a distance.

413. I'm afraid if I see him,

414. I'll start feeling really bad again.

415. Huh.

416. This is girl mail.

417. This is computer catalogs and stuff.

418. "The w.c. Fields fan club newsletter."

419. oh, my God, the national psoriasis foundation.

420. Bingo.

421. Did you hear something?

422. I'll be damned if I'll let my daughter

423. on TV looking like that.

424. Come on.

425. What if he recognizes us?

426. Shh.

427. My daughter is 38dd.

428. She sends photos of her breasts over the Internet.

429. She's using her body to make money.

430. Eww, look at this.

431. Eww. Gross.

432. Mmm, kinda cute.

433. Ugh, it looks like a gross rat.

434. That's a mongoose.

435. How much is it?

436. Um...

437. that's not officially for sale.

438. I, uh, I might have to hang on to that

439. for the time being.

440. So, um, you looking for anything in particular?

441. Do you have any other old records

442. besides these?

443. Seymour does.

444. Who does?

445. Oh, uh, him. Seymour.

446. He's, uh, he's the man with the records.

447. Um, do you have any old Indian records?

448. Indian records?

449. Yeah. You know, like,

450. old Indian 1960s rock 'n' roll music.

451. I may have one hindu 78

452. in my collection from the twenties,

453. but it's, uh,

454. that's not really for sale.

455. I—I don't really collect foreign.

456. Those are all 78s.

457. You play 78s?

458. Oh, maybe not 78s,

459. but I can play regular records.

460. Well, there's some good stuff in here.

461. You like old music?

462. Yeah, it's good.

463. There's some choice lps in here that, uh,

464. reissue some really great old blues stuff.

465. Hmm. How about this one?

466. Is it any good?

467. Nah, that one's not so great.

468. Excuse me.

469. This is the one I'd recommend.

470. It's, uh...

471. this track alone by Memphis minnie

472. is worth about $500

473. if you own the original 78.

474. I know the guy who owns the original

475. and lent it for use on this reissue.

476. Wow.

477. How much is it?

478. $1.75.

479. If you don't like it,

480. you can bring it back

481. for a refund.

482. We're here every Saturday.

483. I'm sure it's ok.

484. Enjoy.

485. It was so cute how he had his own little bags.

486. I thought I was gonna start crying.

487. Yeah, he should totally just kill himself.

488. Oh, here's one.

489. Oh, but you have to share with a...

490. "nonsmoking feminist and her 2 cats."

491. I don't know. I kinda like him.

492. He's the exact opposite

493. of everything I really hate.

494. In a way, he's such a clueless dork,

495. he's almost kind of cool.

496. The guy's many things,

497. but he's definitely not cool.

498. This would be good, but there's no kitchen.

499. Yeah, but...

500. you know what I mean.

501. Not really.

502. Forget it. I can't explain it.

503. Oh, my God.

504. What are you guys doing here?

505. What are you doing here, melorra?

506. my acting workshop

507. is across the street from here.

508. I'm just on my break.

509. Well, we won't keep you.

510. I love this place.

511. It's so, um, I don't know.

512. You know, um, funky.

513. So, what are you guys up to?

514. We're looking for apartments.

515. God, how cool. Where are you moving?

516. We don't know yet. That's why we're lookin'.

517. Somewhere downtown.

518. God, that's so exciting.

519. Oops, I should go.

520. Bye, you guys. Call me.

521. Bye.

522. Funky.

523. What, is she black now?

524. So I was thinking that

525. when we look for our apartment,

526. we have to try and convince these people

527. that we're, like, these totally rich yuppies.

528. What are you talking about?

529. Well, you know, I mean,

530. that's who people wanna rent to.

531. So all we have to do is buy, like,

532. semi-expensive outfits,

533. and I think it's no big deal.

534. It'll be really fun.

535. What do I get?

536. Oh, what do I get?

537. What do I get?

538. Oh, what do I get?

539. I only get sleepless nights

540. Alone here in my half-empty bed

541. For you things seem to turn

542. out right

543. Honey, have you seen my blue spatula?

544. What, are you makin' pancakes?

545. No, not if I can't find that goddamn spatula.

546. What do I get?

547. Oh, what do I get?

548. Aw

549. That's just great.

550. When did you do that?

551. God, how long have you been standing there?

552. Hey look. There's the pants.

553. Where are we going?

554. Let's go hassle Josh.

555. Hassle?

556. Oh, look. There he is.

557. As always.

558. Waiting for the bus that never comes.

559. I wonder if he's just totally insane,

560. or really thinks the bus is coming?

561. Why don't you just ask him?

562. Hi. What's your name?

563. Norman.

564. Are you waiting for a bus?

565. Yes.

566. I hate to tell you this,

567. but they canceled this bus line

568. 2 years ago.

569. There are no more busses

570. on this street.

571. You don't know what you're talking about.

572. Josh!

573. Josh!

574. Josh!

575. You know, I bet he's in there jerking off.

576. I'll bet he never jerks off.

577. Yeah, he's beyond human stuff like that.

578. Should we leave a note?

579. Yeah, you got a pen?

580. Yeah.

581. Dear Josh,

582. we came by to fuck you,

583. but you were not home.

584. Therefore, you are gay.

585. Signed Tiffany and Amber.

586. You're gonna leave that?

587. Why not?

588. Why do we have to go in here?

589. I hate this place.

590. Don't worry. It'll only take a second.

591. Whoever told you that bullshit about boiling

592. is out of his mind.

593. Carpet beetles are the only way

594. to get the flesh off the corpse.

595. I'm just tellin' you what he said.

596. Don't you creeps ever talk about anything nice?

597. Don't you ever talk about, like, Fluffy kittens

598. or the easter bunny?

599. Look who's talkin' little miss badass.

600. Yeah, nice outfit.

601. Who are you supposed to be, cyndi lauper?

602. Blow me, doofus.

603. Oh, my God. Didn't they tell you?

604. Tell me what?

605. Punk rock is over.

606. I know it's over, asshole.

607. Do you really wanna fuck up the system?

608. Go to business school.

609. That's what I'm gonna do.

610. Get a job at some big corporation

611. and, like, fuck things up on the inside.

612. You know, I'm not even—

613. yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

614. Hey, you have my money?

615. Oh, oh, how punk.

616. You know that tape sucked, by the way?

617. Oh, I'm so sorry if it offended Jew.

618. Go die, asshole.

619. Get a job.

620. God, fuck you.

621. Can we go now?

622. You know, it's not like

623. I'm some modern punk, dickhead.

624. It's obviously a 1977 original punk rock look.

625. I guess Johnny fuckface over there

626. is too stupid to realize it.

627. I didn't really get it, either.

628. Everyone's too stupid.

629. Yeah, what do I get?

630. What do I

631. Now you don't have to worry

632. We ain't so old

633. Now, if you've got the line

634. I got the pole

635. Now, tell me, dear

636. Don't you know?

637. We'll have a good time

638. Would you like to go?

639. I'd rather be the devil

640. To be that woman, man

641. I'd rather be the devil

642. To be that woman, man

643. Aw, nothin' but the devil

644. Changed my baby's mind

645. Yeah, it, um, took me a while

646. before I got a chance to actually play it,

647. but once I heard that song, it was like—

648. you liked, it, huh?

649. Yeah. There's some really, uh, rare performances.

650. Uh, what about, uh,

651. did you like the Memphis minnie?

652. Yeah, that was good, too.

653. The whole record was good,

654. but that one song, devil got my woman,

655. I mostly just keep playing that

656. over and over.

657. Do you have any other records like that?

658. There are no other records like that.

659. Actually, I—I have

660. the original 78 in my collection.

661. It's, uh, it's one of maybe 5 known copies.

662. Wow.

663. Yeah. Do you wanna see it?

664. I can run upstairs and get it.

665. Um, sure, yeah.

666. Watch my stuff.

667. Here we go. It's, uh...

668. it's only about a b-minus.

669. It's got an incipient lam crack,

670. but it plays decent as I recall.

671. Oops, I dropped it! Oh!

672. Jeez!

673. I was only kidding.

674. Um.

675. Jesus, Seymour, are you all right?

676. Yeah, it's just, uh...

677. it's, uh, it's very valuable.

678. Now, last week, I asked you

679. to try to create a piece of artwork

680. that responds to something you have

681. strong feelings about.

682. I merely wanna help you find

683. the best way to look within yourselves,

684. the best key to your particular lock,

685. and it looks like we have

686. some really interesting work up here. Thanks.

687. What can you tell us about your piece, uh...

688. Phillip.

689. Uh, it's about the mutilator.

690. My goodness.

691. Yeah, it's a really great video game

692. about a guy who kills people

693. with a big hammer.

694. Oh, I thought maybe

695. this was supposed to be your father.

696. uh...

697. what can you tell us about this piece...

698. Enid. Enid.

699. Well, it's, um,

700. kind of a diary, I guess.

701. Colorful. Hmm.

702. Oh.

703. I think that Phillip and enid

704. can help us to see that

705. there are many different ways

706. we can express ourselves.

707. We can do things like these cartoons

708. that are amusing

709. as a sort of a light entertainment,

710. or we can do work

711. that is more serious in scope, in feeling,

712. and that deals with issues.

713. Emotional, spiritual, political,

714. of great importance.

715. Who is responsible for this?

716. I am.

717. Talk to us about it.

718. It's my response to the issue

719. of a woman's right to choose.

720. Mm-hmm. It's something

721. I feel super strongly about.

722. Hmm.

723. Isn't this a wonderful piece, class?

724. This definitely falls

725. into that higher category of art

726. I was speaking of earlier.

727. In a world where nothing is what it seems...

728. in a time of uncertainty...

729. the future is about to be placed—

730. hello, welcome to masterpiece video.

731. How may I help you this afternoon, sir?

732. I'm looking for a copy of8 1/2.

733. Is that a new release, sir?

734. No, it's the classic Italian film.

735. Yes, sir.

736. Just check that on the computer

737. for you, sir.

738. Hello, how are you young ladies this afternoon?

739. May I help you find

740. a particular masterpiece movie?

741. No.

742. Yes, here it is.

743. 91/2 weeks with Mickey Rourke.

744. That would be

745. in the neurotic drama section.

746. No, not9 1/2, 81/2. The fellini film.

747. How about this one?

748. Forget it. I'm sure it sucks.

749. All these movies suck.

750. There's so much magic in the world.

751. So much beauty.

752. America's top critics agree

753. the flower that drank the moon...

754. Let's get outta here.

755. This place makes me sick.

756. We have to do something fun tonight.

757. It's my last weekend of freedom

758. before I start my stupid job.

759. Making magic...

760. I know a party we could go to later.

761. Romantic and magical.

762. Really? Where?

763. It's a surprise.

764. Some records I will pay serious money for,

765. provided that they're a sincere v-plus.

766. Other than that,

767. I just prefer to have 'em on cd.

768. But cds will never have the presence

769. of an original 78.

770. Wrong. A digital transfer, adequately mastered,

771. will sound identical to the original.

772. You have a decent equalizer?

773. I have a klipsch 2b3.

774. Well, obviously the problem.

775. You expect a 10-band equalizer

776. to impart state-of-the-art sound?

777. Dream a little dream.

778. It's never gonna happen.

779. I totally, totally hate you.

780. Oh, come on. This is a fun party.

781. Hawkins and his orchestra,

782. do you have that?

783. That's nice, but no.

784. Golden wedding?

785. Oh, I know that.

786. What's the story

787. with the 2 cheerleaders over there?

788. They're Seymour's.

789. Seymour? no.

790. You gotta be kidding me.

791. Don't worry about it.

792. I lived with the guy for 5 years.

793. He's not gettin' any. Neither are you.

794. Hey, you know what?

795. Listen to me, Joe, all right?

796. Let me tell you something, Joe, ok?

797. You can't score a home run

798. without swinging the bat, all right?

799. Physically impossible.

800. Right.

801. Watch and learn, padre.

802. How's it goin', Adam?

803. There's a seat right there.

804. Hey, mind if I sit down?

805. Yes.

806. Oh, man. That was cold.

807. you're all right.

808. You're pretty sharp.

809. Hey, you're wearin' a green dress.

810. What are you, Irish?

811. I bet you're Irish. What's your name?

812. Melorra.

813. Ah, Melorra.

814. So, uh, so listen to me, Melorra.

815. You know, uh, let me tell you something.

816. You seem like an interesting chick, you know.

817. What are you doing

818. hanging here with all these losers?

819. You know, I mean, what do you say

820. you and me go hit some night spots?

821. Well, Melorra,

822. I'll be right back.

823. I'm gonna get a beer.

824. No, enid, wait.

825. Hey, that's all right.

826. It has a large center hole

827. and a hair crack.

828. But the crack is so tight,

829. it's completely inaudible.

830. But a tight hair crack is just that—a crack.

831. I don't collect cracked records.

832. I only pay premium on mint records.

833. Seymour, you know that. Please.

834. So, what was all that

835. about enlarged holes and tight cracks?

836. I—I didn't think you would

837. have any interest in this get-together.

838. If you would have told me you were coming,

839. I would have warned you

840. it's not like a real party or anything.

841. Yeah, you're right about that.

842. So, is this your record collection?

843. God, no. This is just junk I have for sale.

844. The record room is off limits.

845. Really?

846. Here.

847. Are all these records?

848. Yeah, I've got about, uh, 1,50078s at this point.

849. I've tried to pare down my collection

850. to just the essential.

851. Look at this room.

852. This is like my dream room.

853. Look at all this stuff.

854. You are, like, the luckiest guy in the world.

855. I would kill to have stuff like this.

856. Please. Go ahead and kill me.

857. Oh, come on. What are you talking about?

858. Well, you think it's healthy

859. to obsessively collect things?

860. Can't connect with other people,

861. so you fill your life with stuff.

862. I'm just like all the rest

863. of these pathetic collector losers.

864. No, you're not. You're a cool guy, Seymour.

865. If I'm so cool, how come I haven't

866. had a girlfriend in, like, 4 years?

867. I can't even remember

868. the last time a girl talked to me.

869. I'm talking to you.

870. You know, I bet there are tons of women

871. who'd go out with you in a minute.

872. I know I could get you a date in, like, 2 seconds.

873. Good luck.

874. I mean it. You leave everything to me,

875. I'm gonna be your own personal dating service.

876. Yeah, well, we should get back.

877. By the end of the summer,

878. you're gonna be up to your neck in pussy.

879. Jesus.

880. What about her?

881. Would you go out with her?

882. What kind of a question is that?

883. I mean, it's totally irrelevant

884. because a girl like that

885. would never be caught dead with me.

886. Yeah, but put that aside for now.

887. Would you go out with her?

888. I really didn't get a good look at her.

889. Yes, you did. Whoa.

890. What about her?

891. Are you into girls with big tits?

892. Jesus.

893. I mean, as long as she's not

894. a complete imbecile,

895. and she's even remotely attractive.

896. Hey, look. There's Norman.

897. Hi, Norman.

898. We need to find a place

899. where you can go to meet women

900. who share your interests.

901. Wall, maybe I don't wanna meet someone

902. who shares my interests. I hate my interests.

903. Yeah, yeah. Just list your 5 main interests

904. in order of importance.

905. Ah, I'd have to put traditional jazz, blues,

906. uh, and then ragtime at the top of the list.

907. Right, so, let's just say music.

908. That way, we only use up one.

909. All right. Um...

910. can we go in here for a second?

911. Just for a second?

912. Hi, Josh.

913. Hi.

914. Just stopping by to say hi.

915. Yeah.

916. This is my friend Seymour.

917. Ok, well, we'll see you later, Josh.

918. Josh, what you goddamn doing?

919. Clean up that fucking mess! Jesus.

920. So, was that— was that your boyfriend?

921. Josh? He's nobody's boyfriend.

922. He's just this guy

923. that Becky and I like to torture.

924. But do you...

925. are you—are you going out—

926. oh, my God. We have to go in here. Come on.

927. Yeah, sure. Very funny.

928. Come on. Please?

929. Becky and I have been dying to go in here,

930. but we can never find anyone to take us.

931. I would really rather not.

932. Just for a minute. It'll be a riot.

933. I don't think so. Please.

934. Please.

935. Oh, my God. Look at all these creeps.

936. Hey, hey, hey, shh.

937. Ok, can we go?

938. This place is a total riot.

939. What are you doing?

940. Oh, my God.

941. Who—who would actually have sex with this thing?

942. Corporate slut. Sophisticated.

943. Come on. Can we go?

944. Seymour.

945. You have to lend me the money to buy this.

946. I don't really have

947. a lot of money on me right now.

948. Oh, come on, Seymour. Please?

949. Look, I don't want this showing up

950. on a credit card statement.

951. I'll get put on some weird mailing list.

952. It's not that much.

953. No, that's not the point.

954. Gimme all your money, bitch.

955. Where did you get that?

956. You'll never believe it. Guess.

957. Um, where?

958. Anthony's.

959. No way. When?

960. Just now. I went with Seymour.

961. You cunt.

962. Excuse me.

963. I can't read the trivia question.

964. "Where on the human body

965. is the Douglas pouch located?"

966. ha.

967. Oh, God.

968. Slightly below the uterus on a female.

969. wow.

970. He does that every single day.

971. I'll have a decaf-mocha to go.

972. One decaf-mocha.

973. Decaf-mocha.

974. Can I get you—

975. no, I do not want a biscotti with that.

976. God. How can you stand all these assholes?

977. Some people are ok, but mostly

978. I just feel like poisoning everybody.

979. Well, at least the wheelchair guy

980. is entertaining.

981. He doesn't even need that wheelchair.

982. He's just totally lazy.

983. that rules.

984. No, it really doesn't. You'll see.

985. You'll be totally sick of all the creeps

986. and losers and weirdos.

987. But those are our people.

988. Yeah, well.

989. So, when are you gonna get a job?

990. I'm workin' on it.

991. Got a few leads, you know.

992. Don't worry about it. I'll get a job next week.

993. God, I can't believe

994. you went to Anthony's without me.

995. Oh, uh, sweetie. Hon—uh, honey,

996. would you come in here for a minute?

997. Sweetie, you, um, you remember Max—Maxine?

998. Hi, Enid.

999. Hi.

1000. I'm gonna go to bed. I'm really tired.

1001. Well, honey, I made spaghetti.

1002. You don't want some?

1003. No, I have to get up early

1004. for class tomorrow.

1005. It's really quite something

1006. to see you all grown up like this, enid.

1007. I'd love to know what you're doing now.

1008. I can't help but feel

1009. I had some small part in how you turned out.

1010. What are you studying?

1011. You were always such a smart little girl.

1012. I'm taking a remedial high school art class

1013. for fuck-ups and retards.

1014. Who is this. Enid?

1015. It's supposed to be don knotts.

1016. And what was your reason

1017. for choosing him as your subject?

1018. I don't know. I just like don knotts.

1019. Interesting.

1020. Well, what do we have here, Margaret?

1021. It's a tampon in a teacup.

1022. I can see that.

1023. Now, what can you tell us about it?

1024. First of all,

1025. what kind of sculpture is this?

1026. It's a found object.

1027. That's where an artist takes an ordinary object

1028. and places it in artistic context,

1029. and thus, it becomes art.

1030. But what can you tell us about it

1031. in regard to your artistic intent?

1032. Well, I guess I see the teacup

1033. as a symbol for womanhood.

1034. Such as tea parties in the olden days,

1035. but instead of tea,

1036. I was trying to kind of confront people

1037. with this, like, um—

1038. this shocking image

1039. of repressed femininity.

1040. Right. Exactly.

1041. Oh, well, I think

1042. it's a really wonderful piece,

1043. and it illustrates perfectly

1044. what I was saying

1045. about not being afraid

1046. to use controversial imagery.

1047. Oh, well, this looks like

1048. the work of Phillip.

1049. Hey, you see that guy over there?

1050. Which one?

1051. The blond guy over there.

1052. He gives me, like, a total boner.

1053. He's, like, the biggest idiot of all time.

1054. You guys up for some reggae tonight?

1055. Ok, you're right.

1056. Sometimes I think I'm going crazy

1057. from sexual frustration.

1058. and you haven't heard

1059. of the miracle of masturbation.

1060. Heads up.

1061. Hey.

1062. My band's playing here on Friday night,

1063. and, uh—well, there's gonna be a bunch

1064. of cool bands playing and stuff,

1065. and you don't have to pay...

1066. if you show 'em this flier at the door.

1067. You should come check it out.

1068. Which band is yours?

1069. It'salien autopsy.

1070. Oh. Bitchin'.

1071. Yeah, well—

1072. maybe I'll see you there.

1073. Yeah, thanks.

1074. God, what a dork.

1075. You're just jealous.

1076. trust me, at this point,

1077. I'm past the fact that every single guy

1078. likes you better than me.

1079. Oh, face it, you just hate every single guy

1080. on the face of the earth.

1081. That's not true.

1082. I just hate all these extroverted, obnoxious,

1083. pseudo-bohemian losers.

1084. the Donnie g show. Donnie g!

1085. Nothing but classic rock

1086. coming at you this beautiful evening.

1087. You're listening tokfto—

1088. God, that asshole's voice is so hateful.

1089. 11 minutes from the top of the hour—

1090. no wonder I never listen to the radio.

1091. Relax, Seymour. Relax.

1092. He's just so shrill

1093. and loud and piercing.

1094. I mean, it's like I feel like

1095. I'm being jabbed in the face.

1096. "Kto coming at you

1097. on this beautiful evening."

1098. so. Thank you.

1099. Um...

1100. Why'd you bring the record?

1101. I brought it so he can autograph it.

1102. He's gonna be amazed to see it.

1103. It's one of only 2 known copies.

1104. I can't believe they have him

1105. as the opening act

1106. and not the headliner.

1107. It's—it's— what an insult!

1108. You know, there's gonna be lots of girls

1109. for you to pick from at this bar.

1110. I'm not holding my breath

1111. in that department.

1112. Seymour, loudly: What, are we

1113. in slow motion here?

1114. Come on, what are you, hypnotized?

1115. Have some more kids, why don't you?

1116. Jesus Christ, move it!

1117. Seymour! God.

1118. I can't believe these people.

1119. They could at least turn off

1120. their stupid sports game

1121. until he's done playing.

1122. Thank you.

1123. Don't go away, we gotblues hammer

1124. coming up in just a minute.

1125. Hey, check that out.

1126. She's nice...

1127. but, you know.

1128. Offer her a seat.

1129. No.

1130. I'll do it. No, no, no, no.

1131. W-wait, wait. Let me think of

1132. something to say to her, first.

1133. Ahh.

1134. Hi. Hello.

1135. That was great music, huh?

1136. Yeah, I just love blues.

1137. Actually, technically, uh...

1138. what he was mostly playing

1139. would more accurately be classified

1140. in the—the ragtime idiom.

1141. Al—although, of course, not in the strictest sense

1142. of the classical ragtime piano music, uh,

1143. like that of Scott joplin or Joseph lamb.

1144. Authentic blues has a— has a more conventional

1145. 12-bar structure in its stanzas.

1146. Oh. If you like authentic blues, uh,

1147. you really gotta check out

1148. blues hammer.

1149. They're so great.

1150. Hi, hi!

1151. All right, people, are you ready to boogie?

1152. 'Cause we gonna play some authentic,

1153. way-down-in-the-delta blues.

1154. So get ready to rock your world!

1155. Well I been plowin' behind the mule, son

1156. Picking cotton all day long

1157. Yes I been plowin'

1158. Picking cotton all day long

1159. I said lordy, baby

1160. but my woman she be gone

1161. well, now I remember why I haven't been

1162. anywhere in months.

1163. It's simple for everybody else.

1164. You give 'em a big Mac and a pair of nikes

1165. and they're happy. I just—I—

1166. I can't relate to 99% of humanity.

1167. Well, I can't relate to humanity, either,

1168. but I don't think it's completely hopeless.

1169. Well, it's not completely hopeless

1170. for you.

1171. I'm not even in the same universe

1172. as those creatures back there.

1173. We just need to find you a place

1174. where you can meet someone who isn't a complete idiot,

1175. that's all.

1176. Why do you care so much if I get a date or not?

1177. I don't know.

1178. Guess I just can't stand the idea

1179. of a world where a guy like you

1180. can't get a date.

1181. What the—what is this, Seymour?

1182. Oh, that.

1183. I borrowed that from work about 15 years ago.

1184. I guess it's mine now.

1185. Were you a klansman or something?

1186. Yeah, I'm a klansman.

1187. You know thecook's chicken franchise?

1188. "4-piece cook's special,

1189. "deep-fried with side and slaw.

1190. It's outrageous!"

1191. yeah, well, cook's is just a made up name.

1192. Back in 1922, they were originally

1193. called coon chicken inn.

1194. That's an early painting

1195. of their first logo.

1196. Oh—

1197. how come everybody doesn't know this?

1198. It's ancient history.

1199. Same reason nobody knows

1200. about this Lionel belasco record.

1201. Actually, I was more interested

1202. in the whole cook's phenomenon

1203. when I was about your age.

1204. Sort of lost interest when I started working for them.

1205. You worked for cook's chicken?

1206. For 19 years.

1207. Were you a fry cook or something?

1208. Nothing so glamorous, actually.

1209. I'm an assistant manager at their corporate headquarters.

1210. Jesus, I'd go nuts

1211. if I had to work in an office all day.

1212. So, I don't really get it.

1213. Are you saying that things

1214. were better back then, even though

1215. there was stuff like this?

1216. I suppose things are better now, but—

1217. I don't know, it's complicated.

1218. People still hate each other, but they just know

1219. how to hide it better or something.

1220. Can I borrow this?

1221. For what?

1222. I promise I'll take good care of it.

1223. I don't know, they're very sensitive

1224. about that kind of stuff at work.

1225. Don't you trust me, Seymour?

1226. Let's address, um, discussion to this piece.

1227. Mm-hmm?

1228. I don't like it.

1229. Can you tell us why?

1230. I don't know.

1231. I think it's totally weak.

1232. Yeah, it's totally offensive.

1233. Yeah. I agree.

1234. It's not right.

1235. Well, these are all valid comments, but...

1236. I think we should see if the artist

1237. has anything to bring to this.

1238. Well, I... found this

1239. when I was doing some research,

1240. and I discovered that cook's chicken

1241. used to be called coon chicken.

1242. So, I decided to do my project

1243. based on this discovery

1244. as kind of a, uh, a comment on racism.

1245. And how it's whitewashed over

1246. in our culture.

1247. Did you actually do this painting?

1248. Well, no, it's more of a—a found art... object.

1249. And how do you think

1250. this addresses the subject of racism?

1251. It's complicated.

1252. Uh, I guess I'm— I'm trying to show

1253. how racism used to be more out in the open,

1254. and now it's hidden... or something.

1255. And how do you think an image like this

1256. helps us to see that?

1257. Um... I'm not sure.

1258. I guess because when we see something like this,

1259. you know, it seems really shocking.

1260. And... we... have to wonder

1261. why it's so shocking.

1262. I don't really know what to say, enid.

1263. I think it's a remarkable achievement.

1264. I'm gonna let you handle

1265. the 4:30 crowd by yourself.

1266. And that way, I can evaluate your performance

1267. while it's slow.

1268. And then we'll ease you into the big crowds. All right?

1269. You can count on me, sir.

1270. Cool.

1271. Do you serve beer or any alcohol?

1272. I wish.

1273. Actually, you wish.

1274. After about 5 minutes of this movie,

1275. you're gonna wish you had 10 beers.

1276. What are you doing?

1277. You don't ever criticize the feature.

1278. Why? What's the difference?

1279. I mean, we already got his money.

1280. Look, that's the policy, ok?

1281. If you want to make up your own rules,

1282. open up your own theater.

1283. And let me have lots of butter on it.

1284. Ew!

1285. Ahem.

1286. Here you go.

1287. Smothered in delicious yellow chemical sludge.

1288. What the hell is wrong with you?

1289. What?

1290. I was just joking around with the customers.

1291. It's my shtick.

1292. Well, lose it.

1293. And why aren't you pushing the larger sizes?

1294. Didn't you get training about up-sizing?

1295. Yeah, but I feel really weird.

1296. It's pretty sleazy.

1297. It's not... optional!

1298. Jesus.

1299. Hi. Uh, can I get a medium 7 up?

1300. Medium?

1301. Why, sir, do you not know

1302. that for a mere 25 cents more

1303. you could purchase a large beverage?

1304. And you know, I'm only telling you this

1305. because we're such good friends.

1306. Medium is really only for suckers

1307. who don't know the concept of value.

1308. What are you talking about?

1309. I mean, what kind of loser gets fired

1310. after one day?

1311. Look, I told you, the manager was a total asshole.

1312. I'll get another job.

1313. Besides, I have some ideas

1314. to make money in the meantime.

1315. I can't believe you're selling some of this stuff.

1316. Fuck it. Everything must go.

1317. I remember this hat.

1318. This was during your little old lady phase.

1319. How much is this?

1320. That's, um... not for sale.

1321. Wait a minute. It says $5.

1322. I know, it's...

1323. that's a mistake.

1324. I'm— I'm not selling it.

1325. Tsh.

1326. What was that all about?

1327. I thought "everything must go"?

1328. Yeah, right.

1329. Like I'm really gonna let some asshole

1330. with a soul patch own goofy Gus.

1331. How much for this dress?

1332. God, I can't believe you're selling that.

1333. That's $500.

1334. What?

1335. 500.

1336. You're crazy.

1337. It should be like $2.

1338. I was wearing that when I lost my virginity.

1339. Well, why do I care about that?

1340. Well, why do you want it?

1341. I mean, it would look stupid on you anyway.

1342. God... fuck you!

1343. So, now are you gonna get a regular job?

1344. Do you want to do something tonight?

1345. I can't. It's Seymour's birthday tonight.

1346. Oh, shit. What time is it?

1347. I'm supposed to go to the store.

1348. I was gonna make him a cake.

1349. Do you still want to go shopping tomorrow?

1350. Uh, yeah, I guess. Call me.

1351. Since when can you make a cake?

1352. Ok, you can open your eyes now.

1353. Oh, hey. Thanks, enid. I really appreciate it.

1354. No, blow it out, doofus.

1355. Ow.

1356. Ahh...

1357. are you ok?

1358. Yeah.

1359. Ooh, it's just my stupid back.

1360. I'll be all right in a minute.

1361. What is that?

1362. It's, uh...

1363. it's just this elastic thing I have to wear sometimes

1364. for lumbar support.

1365. What? Like a girdle?

1366. Maybe now you can understand why I can't get a date.

1367. Well, at least you're not the only one.

1368. I think only stupid people have good relationships.

1369. That's the spirit.

1370. Actually, there is this one guy

1371. I have a crush on right now, but, oh...

1372. totally fucked-up situation.

1373. Oh, yeah?

1374. Yeah. You met him, remember? That guy Josh.

1375. But I can't do anything about it,

1376. because Becky would totally freak out.

1377. Why?

1378. Just forget it. It's complicated.

1379. Aren't you gonna get that?

1380. Let the machine get it.

1381. I have no desire to talk to anyone

1382. who might be calling me.

1383. And I'll call you back as soon as I get home.

1384. I knew it. It's my mother.

1385. Hi, I'm calling for...

1386. You placed an ad in the weekly

1387. over a month ago, and...

1388. well, I'm the blond in the yellow dress.

1389. At least, I think I am.

1390. I saw the ad when you first placed it,

1391. but I was in this relationship at the time,

1392. so, I cut the ad out, and...

1393. and I'm not in a relationship anymore.

1394. God, this is really confusing.

1395. Don't!

1396. Anyway, if you still want to talk to me,

1397. I can be reached at 555-2673.

1398. That's my work number, and, uh...

1399. my name is Dana. Uh...

1400. ok! Bye.

1401. Wow.

1402. What was all that about?

1403. It's just somebody's idea of a joke.

1404. Uh, that didn't sound like a joke to me.

1405. What, did you... place an ad

1406. in the personals or something.

1407. Yeah. A long time ago.

1408. She called before, it's just...

1409. somebody trying to humiliate me.

1410. I think you should call her back.

1411. Oh, look. We have to get these.

1412. You know, I can't afford stuff like this right now.

1413. Look, I'm sick of waiting.

1414. I mean, we have to get stuff if we're ever gonna move.

1415. Aren't these the greatest?

1416. Tsh.

1417. What? They're nice.

1418. I can't imagine spending money on plastic cups.

1419. You don't have to, you know.

1420. I mean, I'll pay for everything now,

1421. and you can pay me back when you finally get a job.

1422. You're insane.

1423. So, are we still going to that thing tonight?

1424. What thing?

1425. You know, that guy's band is playing tonight.

1426. Um... alien autopsy.

1427. Actually, Seymour's big date is tonight.

1428. And I kind of want to be around when he calls.

1429. You know, so I can hear how badly it went.

1430. God, I'm so sick of Seymour.

1431. That was great.

1432. Jeez, thanks a lot for cooking.

1433. Oh, I love to cook.

1434. Yeah?

1435. And I guess most women

1436. wouldn't invite a guy over on the first date, but...

1437. I think you should trust your instincts.

1438. When I talked to you on the phone

1439. you just seemed so...

1440. I don't know. So harmless.

1441. Thanks.

1442. Ew.

1443. Tsh.

1444. Mmm. Mmm. I love this song.

1445. Solid as a rock

1446. Isn't it great?

1447. That's what this love is

1448. Doesn't it make you want to dance?

1449. Come on!

1450. No, I don't— I don't really dance.

1451. Oh, come on, Seymour. Don't be silly.

1452. Anybody can dance.

1453. Here, follow me. Watch my feet.

1454. Solid as a rock

1455. No, really, no—

1456. oh, come on, Seymour.

1457. I, uh...

1458. just feel the music.

1459. Loosen up. It's all in your head.

1460. Here, let's put down your bowl of ice cream.

1461. Wow, it's 10:00 already.

1462. If we're gonna make that movie,

1463. don't you think we should go?

1464. Ok. Party pooper.

1465. I'm so excited to see this film.

1466. Dustoff varnya is such a brilliant director.

1467. Did you see his last film...

1468. the flower that drank the moon?

1469. Oh, it was... glorious.

1470. Must have missed that one.

1471. Then again, what do I know?

1472. I like Laurel and Hardy movies.

1473. Really? Never really cared for those.

1474. I mean, why does the fat one

1475. always have to be so mean to the skinny one?

1476. Hello?

1477. Hey. It's me.

1478. Oh, hi. Uh...

1479. so... what happened?

1480. Um... actually, it's still kind of happening.

1481. She's over here right now.

1482. I—I think it's going pretty well.

1483. What? You're joking.

1484. Yeah, so, I better go.

1485. It's not really the best time to talk. Ok?

1486. What, are you gonna, like, have sex with her

1487. on your first date?

1488. Jesus, I'll—

1489. I'll talk to you later. Ok? Bye.

1490. That's my mother.

1491. Oh.

1492. Anybody home?

1493. Duncan, please.

1494. We're having a private conversation.

1495. Hello?

1496. Do you still want to do something tonight?

1497. What happened to Seymour?

1498. I can't believe this. He actually scored.

1499. God, how repulsive.

1500. So, should I come over?

1501. Um... actually, I was just about

1502. to go out with some friends.

1503. What are you talking about? Who?

1504. Just some people from work.

1505. I don't believe you.

1506. You know, you said you busy, so...

1507. look, I better get going.

1508. Um...

1509. I guess I'll call you tomorrow.

1510. Boo! Oh!

1511. Please.

1512. Boy.

1513. So, where have you been?

1514. I've been looking all over for you.

1515. I've been wandering the streets,

1516. day and night, trying to find you.

1517. Really?

1518. No. Joe told me where you are.

1519. But... how come you never call me anymore?

1520. I know. I'm sorry.

1521. I've just been... really busy.

1522. So, um...

1523. how are things going with...

1524. what's her name? Dana?

1525. Dana. Hmm.

1526. Um... pretty well. Surprisingly, uh, you know.

1527. yeah. It's good.

1528. What do you do together?

1529. She... into your old records and stuff?

1530. Um, yeah, sort of.

1531. Uh, I mean, she doesn't dislike that stuff.

1532. Anyway, she's trying.

1533. Actually, we're supposed to go, um, antique shopping

1534. for her apartment this afternoon.

1535. Oh.

1536. Sounds good.

1537. Mmm. So, um, we should get together.

1538. Um, I'll, uh, I'll, uh, definitely give you a call

1539. this, uh, week or something.

1540. Are you trying to get rid of me?

1541. No, no, no. No, no. It's just that I—

1542. I, um, I should be going in a few minutes, and...

1543. are you even gonna... ask how I'm doing?

1544. Sorry.

1545. So, um...

1546. how are you?

1547. I don't know. Good, I guess.

1548. Seymour.

1549. Oh, hello.

1550. Guess I'm a little early.

1551. Dana.

1552. Um, Dana—

1553. this is—this is, uh, enid.

1554. Hello.

1555. It's great to finally meet you.

1556. So, um...

1557. how do you two know each other?

1558. Um—

1559. kind of surprised he hasn't mentioned me.

1560. We're old friends.

1561. Really?

1562. Yeah. Very close.

1563. In fact, I was standing right next to him

1564. the first day you called.

1565. You know, if it wasn't for me,

1566. he would have never called you back.

1567. Is that right?

1568. I—I would have—

1569. well, I've really got to get going.

1570. But, uh, I'll stop by

1571. and see you sometime, Seymour.

1572. Really was... great to meet you.

1573. Now remember,

1574. the art show is this Saturday,

1575. 7:30 P.M., sharp.

1576. Bye. Bye, Margaret.

1577. Oh, and Justin.

1578. I'm sorry.

1579. Oh! I'm gonna really miss all of you people.

1580. I hope that each of you feels as if you'll be

1581. taking away something from this experience.

1582. Thanks. So long, everyone.

1583. Uh...

1584. Enid, can I speak to you for a moment?

1585. Uh-oh.

1586. Don't worry, it's nothing bad.

1587. I got a call from a close friend of mine

1588. at the academy of art and design,

1589. and she tells me

1590. I'm allowed to place one student

1591. from your graduating class

1592. for a full one-year scholarship,

1593. and I took the liberty of submitting your name.

1594. Hmm.

1595. As far as a know it includes housing

1596. and meals and everything. It's really quite an offer.

1597. Huh.

1598. Well, let me know as soon as you can, enid.

1599. This could be a really great thing for you.

1600. Pumpkin?

1601. honey?

1602. I'm coming in.

1603. Well, I have some good news.

1604. What is it now?

1605. Are you still looking for a job?

1606. I guess.

1607. Ok, 'cause Maxine thinks she can get you a job

1608. at computer station.

1609. And normally, you know, you have to have

1610. a lot of references, and—I don't know,

1611. at least 2 years of experience,

1612. but she thinks she can convince them.

1613. Hmm.

1614. Tell her to forget it. I don't need her help.

1615. Ok... that's, uh, that's—that's, uh...

1616. you know, if— if—if—if—if that's...

1617. I—mm-hmm.

1618. Awful! Just awful!

1619. I will take care of it, I promise you.

1620. I will handle it. I promise, ok? Thank you.

1621. Excuse me.

1622. I'm sorry, I need to speak with her for a second.

1623. Well, enjoy the show.

1624. Thank you.

1625. Yes, what is it, Phyllis?

1626. I am sorry, but you are simply

1627. going to have to remove that painting.

1628. Several of the parents have complained about it already.

1629. Well, I will do no such thing.

1630. Then I guess I'm going to go over there

1631. and take it down myself.

1632. I think we should give the artist

1633. a chance to talk with the parents

1634. about her intentions with this piece.

1635. We should be promoting discussion as a solution

1636. instead of censorship.

1637. Censorship? Yes.

1638. Oh, that is such a big word

1639. for you, Roberta.

1640. Excuse me.

1641. Do not touch that—

1642. ok, I have a solution.

1643. Thank you, everyone, for your patience.

1644. Enid!

1645. Margaret... have you seen enid?

1646. I don't think she's even here.

1647. You're kidding. Well...

1648. All right. There we go.

1649. Thank you, very much.

1650. Uh...

1651. Hi! Oh, hi.

1652. So, um... excuse me.

1653. So, there's this stupid art show

1654. I'm going to tonight,

1655. and I want you to be my date.

1656. There's something I want to show you.

1657. Uh... yeah, I...

1658. I don't think I should.

1659. Of course you should.

1660. I'm already a million hours late. Come on.

1661. I better not.

1662. Ok. Well, forget the art show.

1663. Let's do something else, then.

1664. I really...

1665. wish I could, enid, but...

1666. you know, Dana just got out of a really bad relationship,

1667. and I don't want her to have the wrong idea. You know?

1668. Hey, what's happening?

1669. Where'd you get those pants?

1670. They were a present from Dana.

1671. You like them? They a good fit?

1672. Yeah, whatever.

1673. I mean, what do I know about clothes?

1674. It's nice to have somebody do all the work for me.

1675. I'll just be in my room.

1676. What's her deal, anyway? Did she actually tell you

1677. that you can't see me anymore?

1678. No. No, I mean...

1679. not exactly, I mean, she—she just, uh...

1680. she just doesn't understand

1681. how I would know someone like you.

1682. What does that mean? "someone like me."

1683. just... someone so young.

1684. Don't worry. I won't bother you anymore.

1685. Hi.

1686. Hello.

1687. Do you remember me?

1688. Sure. Sure.

1689. You know, you're like the only person

1690. in this world that I can count on.

1691. Because, no matter what,

1692. I know you'll always be here.

1693. Well, that's what you think.

1694. I'm leaving town.

1695. Where are we? This is such a weird neighborhood.

1696. This is a totally normal, average neighborhood.

1697. 3128...

1698. that must be it.

1699. Great.

1700. What? What's wrong with it?

1701. It looks totally normal.

1702. What? I said great.

1703. Yeah, I can tell you really love it.

1704. Uhh... what am I supposed to say?

1705. "Gee, I can't wait to live in some

1706. depressing shit-hole

1707. out in the middle of nowhere"?

1708. You know, you hate every single place that we look at.

1709. I mean, why don't you just tell me

1710. that you don't want to live with me anymore?

1711. Because...

1712. you'll totally freak out

1713. and act like a psycho about it!

1714. What?

1715. You're the psycho.

1716. I mean, you've totally ignored me

1717. ever since high school ended.

1718. You're the one who's still living out

1719. some stupid, seventh grade fantasy!

1720. "Your own apartment."

1721. fuck you.

1722. Have fun living with your dad

1723. for the rest of your life.

1724. God. Fuck you, too.

1725. Pumpkin?

1726. Pump—pumpkin?

1727. Honey?

1728. What's wrong?

1729. Nothing.

1730. Because, honey, if something's wrong,

1731. I'd love it if we could talk about it.

1732. It's nothing.

1733. It's just some hormonal thing.

1734. Don't worry about it.

1735. Ok, because, you know,

1736. I have some very, very important news,

1737. uh, to talk about. And... you know,

1738. if you're not feeling well, we can just do this

1739. some other time.

1740. What?

1741. Well, Maxine and I have been seeing a lot of each other.

1742. And we were thinking it might be really best

1743. for all of us if,

1744. at the end of the summer,

1745. she came here to live with us.

1746. And, you know, we could really just

1747. see how we got along together,

1748. and... and, uh, see if this is—

1749. Is this your first death mask?

1750. All artists have to suffer.

1751. Um, hi.

1752. Oh, just a minute.

1753. I, um, I brought the application

1754. for the art academy.

1755. I just hope it's not too late.

1756. I am so sorry about what happened, enid.

1757. What do you mean?

1758. Well, the whole business with the art show

1759. and the newspaper— it's just absolutely...

1760. well, they're forcing me to give you

1761. a non-passing grade in the class.

1762. Can't I still get a scholarship to the art academy?

1763. Well, I'm sorry, enid—

1764. Can you help me out here?

1765. I can't breath under this mask.

1766. That's fine. That's fine.

1767. Just breathe. Don't worry about it.

1768. Hey, what are you doing here?

1769. I needed to see you.

1770. What's up?

1771. Can you at least let me in?

1772. Yeah. Sure. Come on in.

1773. Look, I just need someone to be nice to me

1774. for, like, 5 minutes,

1775. and then I swear I'll leave you alone.

1776. What's the matter?

1777. Do you have anything to drink?

1778. Yeah, well, there might be some root beer.

1779. What's this?

1780. That's Dana's.

1781. We're supposed to be saving it for our 2-month anniversary.

1782. You better not—

1783. I mean, you like me. Right, Seymour?

1784. We're good friends, right?

1785. Yeah. Sure. Of course.

1786. What is this?

1787. Dana got it when we went shopping for antiques.

1788. She said it didn't go with her stuff,

1789. so she gave it to me.

1790. Said it would go better with my old-time thingamajigs.

1791. Jesus, how can you stand her?

1792. How come in all that time

1793. I was trying to get you a date

1794. you never asked me out?

1795. You're a beautiful young girl.

1796. I couldn't imagine you'd have any interest in me

1797. except as an amusingly cranky eccentric curiosity.

1798. At least you're not like every other stupid guy

1799. in the world.

1800. All they care about is guitars or sports.

1801. I hate sports.

1802. Maybe I should just... move in with you.

1803. You know, I could do the cooking

1804. and—and dust your old records and stuff

1805. until I get a job.

1806. You know what my number one fantasy used to be?

1807. What?

1808. I used to think about one day...

1809. just not telling anyone and going off to some random place.

1810. And I'd just...

1811. disappear,

1812. and they'd never see me again.

1813. Do you ever think about stuff like that?

1814. I guess I probably did when I was your age.

1815. You know what we should do?

1816. We should just get in your car right now

1817. and just drive off.

1818. Just find some totally new place

1819. and start a whole new life.

1820. Fuck everybody.

1821. I'm, uh, I'm not in any good condition to drive.

1822. I'm serious.

1823. I'm just so sick of everybody.

1824. Why can't I just do what I want?

1825. What do you want?

1826. What do you want?

1827. Don't you like me?

1828. Boy, I never expected anything like this to happen.

1829. Yeah. Well, me neither.

1830. You must—you must know I always...

1831. hey, did you mean all that stuff

1832. about moving in with me?

1833. I was just thinking out loud.

1834. I mean, you know, you've...

1835. got this thing with Dana, and...

1836. I'm not gonna let you fuck that up.

1837. Yeah, but I don't know.

1838. I—I just— shh.

1839. I really need to get some sleep.

1840. Ok.

1841. Good night.

1842. Enid?

1843. Right.

1844. Oh, one second.

1845. Seymour, hi! Hi.

1846. Sorry. Go ahead.

1847. We're almost done.

1848. Hi. Yeah.

1849. No, it's excluded.

1850. They've already paid the earnest money.

1851. Well, let's see if they bring it up

1852. if they notice it on the final walkthrough.

1853. Right.

1854. Great. Sounds good.

1855. Yes! We did it!

1856. Great job. Thank you.

1857. I'm proud of you.

1858. Well, I'll catch you guys later.

1859. I'm gonna start the paperwork.

1860. Hi. Hey.

1861. Congratulations.

1862. Thank you. Have a seat.

1863. So...

1864. what brings you down here?

1865. Um... ahem.

1866. I just, uh, really feel like I—I, uh...

1867. I need to—to say something to you.

1868. Um...

1869. I've never said this to anyone before.

1870. Believe me, I've, uh...

1871. I've stayed in horrible relationships for years

1872. just so I wouldn't have to do this.

1873. What are you trying to say?

1874. I think maybe it's not such a good idea

1875. that we keep going out.

1876. It's Enid. Leave a message.

1877. Seymour, here.

1878. Um... I really want to talk to you.

1879. Uh, I've been thinking about what you said

1880. about moving in here, and, um...

1881. um, yeah, so just, uh...

1882. um, give me a call when you get a chance.

1883. Ok, thanks. Bye.

1884. Look, I'm really sorry about the other day.

1885. I don't know what's wrong with me.

1886. I really do want to move in with you.

1887. Look, I don't know.

1888. I mean, I was thinking

1889. maybe I should just live alone, you know?

1890. I've decided to rent that place that we looked at,

1891. and, um, I start moving in next week.

1892. Please let me come with you.

1893. Please.

1894. Look, I don't know.

1895. I don't think it's such a good idea.

1896. Of course it's a good idea.

1897. It's our plan.

1898. Yeah, but how are you gonna pay rent and everything?

1899. You know, you don't even have a job.

1900. I'll get a job tomorrow.

1901. I promise.

1902. Maxine said she could get me a job at computer station.

1903. Please, Becca.

1904. Tonight I have a very special partner.

1905. One who is a performance artist

1906. in sign language for the deaf.

1907. Please welcome to the stage...

1908. well, here's where the fun never stops.

1909. She could at least have the decency to call me back.

1910. Wasted time trying to logically figure out the female brain.

1911. That's for sure.

1912. Maybe she got another boyfriend.

1913. Yeah, well, thanks for cheering me up.

1914. Oh, God.

1915. It's Enid. Leave a message.

1916. Oh, come on.

1917. Hey, look at it this way...

1918. at least things can't get any worse.

1919. Seymour, just the man I want to see.

1920. Step in here for a minute.

1921. Have a seat.

1922. What can you tell me about this, Seymour?

1923. So what do you think?

1924. It's fine.

1925. Where's all your stuff?

1926. There.

1927. That's all you're bringing?

1928. No. I'm gonna pack up the rest tonight.

1929. I'll bring it over sometime tomorrow.

1930. What time?

1931. I don't know. Noon?

1932. All right, cool.

1933. Just, uh, make sure you're here by then,

1934. because we got a lot of stuff to do.

1935. Oh, wait.

1936. I gotta show you this. It's just—

1937. it's really cool.

1938. Isn't it great?

1939. A smile is something special

1940. A ribbon is something rare

1941. So I'll be special, and I'll be rare

1942. With a smile and a ribbon in my hair

1943. to be a girl they notice

1944. takes more than a fancy dress

1945. So I'll be special, and I'll be rare

1946. I'll be something beyond compare

1947. I'll be noticed because I'll wear

1948. A smile and a ribbon in my hair

1949. What's wrong with you, retard?

1950. It's 3:30.

1951. Oh, hi. Um, Enid's stepmother told me that she'd be here.

1952. She's not at home?

1953. No, they—they told me that she'd be here.

1954. Well, where the fuck is she?

1955. She was supposed to be here 3 hours ago.

1956. Well, do—do you mind if I wait?

1957. I really need to talk to her.

1958. Are you sure she wasn't there?

1959. I mean, maybe she was just hiding from you or something.

1960. Why would she be hiding from me?

1961. I don't know.

1962. I mean, where is she, then?

1963. Maybe she's with Josh?

1964. Josh? Why would she be with Josh?

1965. I really don't know enough about it to...

1966. but why did you say that she was hiding from me?

1967. Did she say anything to you about me?

1968. Yeah. She thinks you're a dork.

1969. She said that?

1970. Well, what do you expect?

1971. I mean, considering how we met you.

1972. What do you mean?

1973. She didn't tell you about that?

1974. What are you talking about?

1975. On that pathetic fake blind date?

1976. What fake blind date?

1977. What are you talking about?

1978. Here.

1979. Look.

1980. Hey!

1981. Did you have a good laugh at my expense?

1982. What do you mean?

1983. Did you—did you think that's funny?

1984. Here, is that funny?

1985. I'll show you something funny.

1986. Hey! Damn it. Come on.

1987. Get!

1988. Not so cool now, are you?

1989. Hey! Hey! Hey!

1990. What's going on?

1991. Call the cops, man. Citizen's arrest.

1992. You! Call the cops!

1993. Get the hell out of my store!

1994. All right. Hey, hey! No need to get violent.

1995. I'm outta here.

1996. Is there a place where nature

1997. can still live and breathe?

1998. Where an oil company puts nature ahead of profits?

1999. Hi.

2000. Hey.

2001. Are you ok?

2002. You seem a little stoned.

2003. What are you on?

2004. High on life.

2005. Look, Seymour, I came by to tell you

2006. how really, really sorry I am about everything.

2007. I know you probably totally—

2008. you don't have to— please.

2009. Don't say anything.

2010. I know I'm a total disappointment to everyone.

2011. I just quit my job this morning

2012. and then I had a fight with Becky,

2013. because I told her I wasn't gonna move in with her,

2014. and she really just wants to kill me.

2015. And there's just no way to explain how I feel.

2016. I don't...

2017. I guess I just have to figure myself out.

2018. Enid, I'm not mad at you.

2019. I know I'm just a dork.

2020. Seymour, you are not a dork.

2021. Yeah.

2022. Sure I am.

2023. You are such a stupid idiot.

2024. Did you even look through the rest of the book?

2025. See?

2026. You're like... my hero.

2027. Thanks for waiting.

2028. Is he gonna be ok?

2029. I think he'll be fine.

2030. What are you gonna do now?

2031. I'm not sure.

2032. I'd better get going. I'm gonna be late for work.

2033. Call me, ok?

2034. Well, I have to admit

2035. that things are really starting to look up for me

2036. since my life turned to shit.

2037. Remember what I said when we first started?

2038. This little break-up might be

2039. the very best thing that ever happened to you.

2040. I think I'm ready to get back to my old life.

2041. You think that's too soon?

2042. Why don't we start with that next week?

2043. Ok.

2044. Thank you.

2045. Don't thank me.

2046. You're doing all the work.

2047. Bye. Bye.

2048. Is he done?

2049. Yes.

2050. Seymour, did you have a chance to think

2051. about what you might want for dinner

2052. while you were in here?

2053. No, I haven't.

2054. Maybe we could discuss it in the car?

2055. See you next week.

2056. Not too funny now, are you?

2057. Hey!

2058. Motherfuckers!

2059. Fuck with me?