1. You know what my first memory is?Copy !req
2. Feeling special.Copy !req
3. The first time I pooped,
there was applause.Copy !req
4. When we scribbled something in crayon,
it was a Picasso.Copy !req
5. Gold stickers for everyone.Copy !req
6. C+ in gym? Perfect attendance?
"Hey, here's 100 bucks. "Copy !req
7. When we hit a new level on Wave Race,Copy !req
8. it was like we won the Olympics.Copy !req
9. For kids of my generation,
strike three meant one thing:Copy !req
10. take your base.Copy !req
11. Look out, world.
Here we come.Copy !req
12. Closer, closer, closer.
There we go.Copy !req
13. - Look at that.
- Aw, you are so cute together.Copy !req
14. Adorable.
So, Jillian,Copy !req
15. Will tells us that you are going to
start working at Johnson & Johnson.Copy !req
16. - That's fantastic!
- Thank you. Yeah, I'm excited to start.Copy !req
17. Sales Analyst.
It sounds so impressive.Copy !req
18. Junior Sales Analyst. But the "Junior"
is gonna be gone by Christmas.Copy !req
19. Ah. And Will's finally being paid
at LA Weekly.Copy !req
20. - Way to go, you two.
- I know.Copy !req
21. I told you guys,
we're a power couple.Copy !req
22. Will, there's a little something
to get you started.Copy !req
23. Wow!Copy !req
24. Thanks, Dad.
Thanks, Mom.Copy !req
25. Will, did I ever tell you
what my first job was?Copy !req
26. Was it, by any chance, stacking crates
of tomatoes in a warehouse, Dad?Copy !req
27. Correct.Copy !req
28. Must have been 100 degrees
in that warehouse.Copy !req
29. - You know what got me through?
- I'm gonna go with air conditioning.Copy !req
30. Air conditioning.Copy !req
31. There was one office
that was air conditioned.Copy !req
32. High above the floor.Copy !req
33. It was for the warehouse supervisor.Copy !req
34. And I told myself right then and there,Copy !req
35. "I don't know how I'm gonna do it,
but I'm going to get to that office."Copy !req
36. Didn't that guy have
a heart attack, Dad?Copy !req
37. It was an aneurysm.
The point is, I worked my way upCopy !req
38. until I was in charge of the entire
North American supply chain.Copy !req
39. I am proof there's nothing
you can't achieve.Copy !req
40. Exactly, and that's why
I'm saying this LA Weekly thingCopy !req
41. is really just a springboard for me.Copy !req
42. 'Cause, I mean, I'm gonna dominate
their Web edition.Copy !req
43. I've got videos, live blogging,
interactive content.Copy !req
44. - I'm building my brand.
- Brand?Copy !req
45. - You spent the money on a TV?
- Yeah.Copy !req
46. That's one of the largest televisions
available on the market today.Copy !req
47. Seventy inches. What?Copy !req
48. You want to know why
we're not living together?Copy !req
49. - Exhibit A.
- Boo!Copy !req
50. Hey, J. La.
Was that your sister at graduation?Copy !req
51. - No.
- Are you sure?Copy !req
52. Mm-mm.Copy !req
53. I saw her, like, hugging your parents
and giving your dad a little...Copy !req
54. I mean, can I get her phone number?Copy !req
55. - Is this the iStalkU?
- It's the iSearchU.Copy !req
56. - If you could just mind your business.
- What is iStalkU?Copy !req
57. The iSearchU?Copy !req
58. It's just an app that I'm developing.Copy !req
59. Say there's a person that you want to
find, but they don't want to be found.Copy !req
60. Like, there's this girl,
and you've called her a million times,Copy !req
61. and she just won't return
your messages.Copy !req
62. My app allows you to send them
a text message and, whoo!Copy !req
63. Receive back their exact location.Copy !req
64. So there's nowhere to hide,
Jillian's sister. Nowhere.Copy !req
65. No, you cannot have her number.Copy !req
66. I'll find your sister.Copy !req
67. You're gonna end up in iJail
getting iRaped.Copy !req
68. And I'm gonna handle the iStock IPO!Copy !req
69. Yeah, yeah, yeah!Copy !req
70. - You don't even have a job.
- I got a business degree.Copy !req
71. Unlike Broke Nuts over here,
I have marketable skills.Copy !req
72. Unlike you, Broke Nuts has a job.Copy !req
73. I have nine interviews this week.Copy !req
74. Today, it's Morgan Stanley...Copy !req
75. And Great Pacific.Copy !req
76. I love you all.
Get your lives together.Copy !req
77. - Good luck, dude.
- Good luck.Copy !req
78. Uh, excuse me, ma'am.
Would you like to be my guest?Copy !req
79. Hi, have we met?
I'm Jillian.Copy !req
80. - God. Boo!
- Stop booing me, Charlie.Copy !req
81. Just one time.
Just smoke with me.Copy !req
82. Make an exception.
We're celebrating.Copy !req
83. - Charlie got a job today.
- McDonald's or Taco Bell?Copy !req
84. Middle school chemistry teacher.Copy !req
85. What?Copy !req
86. I weep for our future.Copy !req
87. Fuck me in the ass! Fuck me!Copy !req
88. Hey, Brian.Copy !req
89. Hey, Will.
Looking good, buddy.Copy !req
90. We don't have a job for you.Copy !req
91. - What do you mean?
- I mean, we don't have a job for you.Copy !req
92. We've downsized.Copy !req
93. Yeah, but I'm perfect for this job.Copy !req
94. I'm sorry, Will.
Thank you very much.Copy !req
95. Look, Brian, I got three Webisodes
all ready to upload...Copy !req
96. "Where to Find the Best Beef Machaca,"
"How to Bike the LA River,"Copy !req
97. and "Why Ultimate Frisbee
is More Complex Than Chess."Copy !req
98. You're not alone.
I had to let eight people go last week.Copy !req
99. Why didn't you tell me?Copy !req
100. Honestly, with everything going on
around here, I just...Copy !req
101. I forgot. Good.Copy !req
102. You forgot? I spent two summers
interning here for freeCopy !req
103. so that I could have a job waiting
for me after graduation, and you forgot.Copy !req
104. Look, I've already told everybody
about this job.Copy !req
105. I told my friends and my family and my
parents about this job, and you forgot!Copy !req
106. Well, guess what, Brian?
You can't do this kind of shit, man!Copy !req
107. I deserve to be treated
a little better than this.Copy !req
108. And I think you owe me
a little more than "I forgot."Copy !req
109. Will...Copy !req
110. Uh...Copy !req
111. I don't owe you shit.Copy !req
112. "Systems administrator"?
No.Copy !req
113. "Nuclear pipe technician"?Copy !req
114. No, you haven't laid
that much pipe, so...Copy !req
115. I've laid a lot of pipe, Charles.
Ask your mother.Copy !req
116. Sick burn.Copy !req
117. - "Unemployment benefits administrator."
- Yeah, dude, that one.Copy !req
118. That'd be ironic.Copy !req
119. It's not ironic if it's all the time.Copy !req
120. You know what's all the time?
Ball taps and kills.Copy !req
121. Dude, don't play dirty, man.
Don't play dirty.Copy !req
122. Oh, shit.Copy !req
123. Dude, I honestly have no idea
what any of this shit means.Copy !req
124. Well, you better figure it out soon.
The rent is due Friday.Copy !req
125. I know. I just need something to keep
the lights on until I find my dream job.Copy !req
126. I don't think you can
monetize masturbation.Copy !req
127. It was too good.Copy !req
128. Oh, here's something
in the hospitality industry.Copy !req
129. You don't have any sort
of medical degree.Copy !req
130. Okay, there's a gun in the drawer,
but you probably won't need it.Copy !req
131. All right.
Good night, kid.Copy !req
132. There are Negroes on this boat!Copy !req
133. I'm sorry to hear that.Copy !req
134. You the new guy?Copy !req
135. - Uh, yeah, I am new.
- Skeezy D.Copy !req
136. Will.Copy !req
137. Three rooms.
Keep the change.Copy !req
138. Girl, you better treat this man right.Copy !req
139. He was in Vietnam.Copy !req
140. Korea.Copy !req
141. Get in there and bust a nut,
Hawkeye Pierce!Copy !req
142. Hell, Cheryl's one of my best girls.Copy !req
143. - Hard worker?
- That pussy comes correct.Copy !req
144. - Where'd you meet her?
- Met her at my last gig.Copy !req
145. - Which... where was that?
- Borders.Copy !req
146. Hmm?Copy !req
147. Borders...
Borders bookstore?Copy !req
148. Listen, man,
shit went sideways, okay?Copy !req
149. Everybody was out of work.
I had to get out of there real quick.Copy !req
150. So, why "Skeezy D"?Copy !req
151. Men who hire prostitutes
aren't paying them for sex, Will.Copy !req
152. They're paying for danger.Copy !req
153. They're paying to feel alive.Copy !req
154. Hey, motherfucker,
you better pay my bitch what you owe.Copy !req
155. They're paying
for a certain joie de vivre.Copy !req
156. Joie de vivre?Copy !req
157. That's French.Copy !req
158. I'm not resisting arrest.
Okay, I'm not resisting arrest.Copy !req
159. Okay, I'm not resisting arrest.
I'm not.Copy !req
160. I'm not. I'm not.Copy !req
161. Hey, bitch, we had a deal!Copy !req
162. You were renting out rooms to hookers?Copy !req
163. - Skeezy said they're here every...
- No, no.Copy !req
164. That's not the kind of establishment
I'm running here.Copy !req
165. Read the sign there, kid.
It says "No prostitution."Copy !req
166. That clearly includes hookers.Copy !req
167. You're fired.Copy !req
168. I'm sorry, Officer. I just got to be
a little more careful about who I hire.Copy !req
169. - You do that.
- Yeah. Will do. Will do.Copy !req
170. Thanks for everything you do, Officer.Copy !req
171. Sorry, kid.Copy !req
172. Shit rolls downhill.
You know what I'm saying?Copy !req
173. You get it. You get it.
You'll be all right.Copy !req
174. Son of a bitch!Copy !req
175. - Hey, Dad?
- Hmm?Copy !req
176. I gotta ask you for money.Copy !req
177. Will, you're a grown-up now.Copy !req
178. I'm not gonna give you
any more money.Copy !req
179. Dad, what am I supposed to do?
You want me to goCopy !req
180. sell my body on the street?Copy !req
181. Enough of the life lessons here, man.
I am broke.Copy !req
182. I literally have no money
for anything.Copy !req
183. I lost my job.Copy !req
184. Are you serious?Copy !req
185. Afraid so.Copy !req
186. Well, what happened?Copy !req
187. Apparently, I was so successfulCopy !req
188. at streamlining
the beverage supply chainCopy !req
189. that I made my own job obsolete.
Hmm.Copy !req
190. So, what are you gonna do?Copy !req
191. I'm going to get a job!Copy !req
192. I'm gonna follow my ABC's,
stay positive,Copy !req
193. and in the interim, look!Copy !req
194. I can tackle all the chores
I never had time for.Copy !req
195. You guys gotta get your lives together.Copy !req
196. Top 1%, here I come, baby!Copy !req
197. Hey, this guy got a job.Copy !req
198. It's called Top Deck Securities.
I start clerking next month.Copy !req
199. If I kick ass,
I'll be making trades by December.Copy !req
200. From this point on, it's gonna be
coffee and cocaine for me, baby.Copy !req
201. - Whoo!
- Do you take change for dollars?Copy !req
202. No, no. Keep it.
You worked hard.Copy !req
203. You've got an incredible
amount of torque.Copy !req
204. You deserve so much more money
than this,Copy !req
205. but I'm on a teacher's salary.Copy !req
206. Hey.Copy !req
207. Hey!Copy !req
208. If you want to see the show,
you gotta pay for it.Copy !req
209. No, I'm just here for the free buffet.Copy !req
210. The buffet is free 'cause you're
supposed to be spending money on me.Copy !req
211. I guess I found a loophole.Copy !req
212. - Your friend's got an attitude.
- He's out of work.Copy !req
213. So buy him a lap dance
to cheer him up.Copy !req
214. Ooh.Copy !req
215. - Yeah.
- I'd like to get to know you sometime.Copy !req
216. - Don't get her pregnant.
- Oh, hey, look.Copy !req
217. - I have a girlfriend.
- Yo, Will!Copy !req
218. - So, you're looking for a job?
- Yeah.Copy !req
219. What would you do if you won the lottery
and never had to work again?Copy !req
220. - I don't know.
- What's your passion?Copy !req
221. What do you love to do?Copy !req
222. I like to make funny YouTube videos.Copy !req
223. Oh, if you like making YouTube videos,Copy !req
224. why aren't you looking
for corporate video work?Copy !req
225. Corporate?
Yeah, I don't do corporate.Copy !req
226. Listen, babe.Copy !req
227. When you're first starting out,
you gotta stay flexible.Copy !req
228. - Do you know what we do here, Hamilton?
- Trade stocks.Copy !req
229. Wrong. We make money.Copy !req
230. This is Hamilton.
He is clerking for us.Copy !req
231. I had to shit-can
that other douchebagCopy !req
232. because, well, I couldn't stand
looking at his face anymore.Copy !req
233. - Put all your orders in through him.
- Wait, I get to put in orders?Copy !req
234. - More than you can imagine.
- Hell, yeah.Copy !req
235. Go across the street,
get me three triple espressos.Copy !req
236. Put three sugars in each one.
None of that Splenda shit.Copy !req
237. - I want the real thing.
- Go to Fatburger.Copy !req
238. Get me 12 double XLs
with extra cheese,Copy !req
239. 12 chili-cheese fat fries,
nine milk shakes.Copy !req
240. Hey, go to 7-Eleven. Pick me up
25 Black Cherry lottery tickets.Copy !req
241. Fifteen grand top prize.
You scratch them off.Copy !req
242. Start from the bottom.
Odd numbers first.Copy !req
243. - Go! Go, go, go...
- Still here? Still here?Copy !req
244. And I better fucking win!Copy !req
245. What are you doing?Copy !req
246. - I need a sexy video of you.
- Yeah, I don't think so.Copy !req
247. I made an appointment
to donate sperm. What?Copy !req
248. Your best idea for making rent
is masturbating into a cup?Copy !req
249. I'm an accomplished masturbator.Copy !req
250. Will, I don't know
what's going on with you.Copy !req
251. At school, you always had
a million different things going on.Copy !req
252. Your energy was contagious.
It's what I loved about you.Copy !req
253. And right now, it feels like you're just
flailing around, making it up as you go.Copy !req
254. I saw a job counselor last week.Copy !req
255. Really? A job counselor?Copy !req
256. And she was all over me about
forming a strategy, and just really...Copy !req
257. She rode me to stay flexible,Copy !req
258. and so we decided to focus
on corporate video work.Copy !req
259. I sent out my résumé.
I should start interviewing next week.Copy !req
260. Come here.Copy !req
261. Do you remember Ultimate Frisbee?
Not the districts, the regionals.Copy !req
262. I made that 50-yard huck to Sullivan.
It was an awesome pass.Copy !req
263. - I don't know what we're talking about.
- What I'm saying is, don't worry.Copy !req
264. I'm at my best when my back
is against the wall.Copy !req
265. This isn't college, Will.Copy !req
266. Please, I need you to step up.Copy !req
267. Thirty years, one company.
Wow!Copy !req
268. An employer sees this,
and they see a dinosaur.Copy !req
269. Well, I can't say that
I agree with you there, Fernando.Copy !req
270. - Fernando. Fernando.
- It's Fernando?Copy !req
271. You should do whatever you can
to look younger.Copy !req
272. For starters, lose the beard.Copy !req
273. An image consult is included
with the Platinum Package.Copy !req
274. We'll give you a workstation,
some place to go every morning.Copy !req
275. And we will produce a video résumé
that will set you above the rabble.Copy !req
276. But all of that is just preparation
for the main event.Copy !req
277. Wilheimer has an 85%
placement rate, Mr. Davis.Copy !req
278. - Wow!
- How do you think we make that number?Copy !req
279. - Well, I...
- That's a rhetorical question.Copy !req
280. While everyone else is out there
wasting their time,Copy !req
281. meeting mid-level H R hacks,Copy !req
282. Wilheimer will be putting you
in front of the personCopy !req
283. who can pull the trigger
and actually hire you.Copy !req
284. - The decision maker?
- The decision maker.Copy !req
285. - That's right. Well...
- I like it.Copy !req
286. Bottom line, how much
are we talking here?Copy !req
287. Oh, the Platinum Package
is a one-time fee of $30,000.Copy !req
288. No, seriously,
how much are we talking?Copy !req
289. Hey, there!Copy !req
290. - Tough day?
- What?Copy !req
291. No.Copy !req
292. No, no, no.Copy !req
293. A tough day is just
an unrealized great day.Copy !req
294. Well, then, I'm gonna hook you up
with some Rockin' Moroccan.Copy !req
295. - It's like legal hash.
- Oh.Copy !req
296. I'm Cammy.
What's your name?Copy !req
297. - Roger.
- Roger that.Copy !req
298. Oh, to go, please.Copy !req
299. Hello?Copy !req
300. Oh, hey, honey.
How are you?Copy !req
301. I'm at the office.Copy !req
302. Oh, that music?
Yeah, well, I...Copy !req
303. That's, uh...Copy !req
304. You know Jerry.
He's just trying to jazz up his...Copy !req
305. I should get back
to that meeting, honey.Copy !req
306. I'll see you in a few hours, okay?Copy !req
307. I love you too. Bye.Copy !req
308. Uh...Copy !req
309. That was my wife.Copy !req
310. Well, look, we have free Wi-Fi
and three-prong outlets out the wazoo.Copy !req
311. So...Copy !req
312. And, uh... don't worry, Rog.Copy !req
313. No one here has a job.Copy !req
314. Thank you.Copy !req
315. You children may begin.Copy !req
316. Now, the goal of this experiment
is to create an even coating,Copy !req
317. no excess charring,
and no cold spots.Copy !req
318. I mean it, Dayjon.Copy !req
319. And remember, don't stare in the flame
for too long, because it will...Copy !req
320. steal your soul.Copy !req
321. Let me see that. Yeah.Copy !req
322. Mm.Copy !req
323. That is close to perfection.Copy !req
324. - Mr. Baxter?
- Stop calling me that!Copy !req
325. It's Charlie, okay?Copy !req
326. Okay, Charlie.Copy !req
327. Why do all of our experiments
involve making food?Copy !req
328. I get the munchies after free period.Copy !req
329. - Any more questions, Sergeant Buzzkill?
- No.Copy !req
330. - Mr. Baxter?
- It's Charlie!Copy !req
331. My sixth grade basketball coach
just quit.Copy !req
332. You interested in the position?Copy !req
333. I'm sorry, do I look like someone
with free time on his hands?Copy !req
334. It's an extra $100 a week.Copy !req
335. They will prosper under my tutelage.Copy !req
336. Tanya Sellers, Human Resources.Copy !req
337. Sorry it took me so long
to get back to you.Copy !req
338. We received close to 1,000 résumés
for the videographer position.Copy !req
339. - I was just glad that you called.
- Oh.Copy !req
340. Katherine Dunn oversees
our video services,Copy !req
341. but she's in China
on a leadership conference,Copy !req
342. so you get a nonstop flight
to the decision maker himself,Copy !req
343. Lawrence Wilheimer.Copy !req
344. He's a legend in executive placement.
He revolutionized the game.Copy !req
345. - Make sure you check out his package.
- His retirement package?Copy !req
346. His package-package.
He's hung like a fucking minotaur.Copy !req
347. Fat.Copy !req
348. - William Davis.
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
349. "Vast experience in all aspects
of video production."Copy !req
350. Could you elaborate on that?Copy !req
351. Well, sir, for the past seven years,Copy !req
352. I've been producing
original video content for YouTube.Copy !req
353. - YouTube?
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
354. I think YouTube is the perfect training
ground for producing video résumésCopy !req
355. that really stand out from the crowd.Copy !req
356. And clients of Southern California's
premiere executive placement firmCopy !req
357. deserve those kind of résumés.Copy !req
358. Ones that grab the employer's attention,
don't let go.Copy !req
359. Even if they say "uncle."Copy !req
360. So, hire William Davis,
and your clients will...Copy !req
361. Hire William Davis,
and your clients will rise aboveCopy !req
362. the rest of the...Copy !req
363. I'm so sorry about that.
Uh, hire William Davis,Copy !req
364. and your clients will rise above and...Copy !req
365. That's what you want, right?Copy !req
366. My girlfriend and I are having a fight.
Do you mind if I...Copy !req
367. What could be more important?Copy !req
368. Thank you, sir.
That's what I'm saying.Copy !req
369. And send.Copy !req
370. So, where were we?Copy !req
371. I was showing you the door,
Mr. Davis.Copy !req
372. That's it over there.Copy !req
373. Okay.
Uh... thank you.Copy !req
374. Uh, look, sir...
I mean, I don't think...Copy !req
375. I don't know if this is the exact
subject matter that you're looking for,Copy !req
376. but I think that this really
showcases my abilitiesCopy !req
377. to recognize what's unique
about an individualCopy !req
378. and how to foreground that
for the marketplace.Copy !req
379. What is your business philosophy?Copy !req
380. It is all about customer satisfaction.Copy !req
381. We are basically
the Burlington Coat Factory of bitches.Copy !req
382. I got bitches on layaway,
you know what I'm saying?Copy !req
383. For $599,
you can mark down a bitch.Copy !req
384. All right, hey, just, you know,
be careful with it, man.Copy !req
385. I really
don't like these guys.Copy !req
386. Watch your fingerprints.
Are you serious?Copy !req
387. That's a big-boy TV.
Come on, man.Copy !req
388. - Use an HDMI cord. Don't use...
- Thanks, bro.Copy !req
389. Take care of my TV, bro.Copy !req
390. - Yeah, this is Will.
- Will, Tanya, from Wilheimer.Copy !req
391. - Are you calling about my interview?
- Sure am.Copy !req
392. - Mr. Wilheimer pressing charges?
- You're in, player!Copy !req
393. - What?
- You're in.Copy !req
394. Starting salary is $26, 000, partial
health benefits kick in after 90 days.Copy !req
395. Wait, are you saying
that I have a job?Copy !req
396. - That's what I'm saying.
- Oh, yo! Wait, wait, wait!Copy !req
397. Hello, you got good news.Copy !req
398. Tell Will he gets the job
as soon as he passes a drug test.Copy !req
399. Drug test?
Is it multiple choice?Copy !req
400. - Will.
- Hey, what's up, Dad?Copy !req
401. What's going on?Copy !req
402. I got a job.Copy !req
403. Hey!Copy !req
404. - That's great!
- I know.Copy !req
405. It's at this place called Wilheimer.
They do job placement.Copy !req
406. Oh, yeah.
I've heard good things.Copy !req
407. I just need one thing...Copy !req
408. and I'm good to go.Copy !req
409. - You're smoking pot?
- I'm an occasional user!Copy !req
410. I never smoke and drive!Copy !req
411. And you want me to urinate into this
bottle so that you can pass a drug test?Copy !req
412. Goddamn it!Copy !req
413. Dad, look,
there's no one else I can ask.Copy !req
414. I'm hanging by
a thread with Jillian, plusCopy !req
415. they might be
able to screen for gender.Copy !req
416. Ethan is tainted, Luke is unclean,
and Charlie's radioactive.Copy !req
417. What am I supposed to do?Copy !req
418. Get new friends!Copy !req
419. I have a job.Copy !req
420. I've a real job for a real company.Copy !req
421. The kind of job that you've
been bugging me to get for years.Copy !req
422. And if I don't produce
an immaculate cup of urine...Copy !req
423. - Shh!
- It's back to the unemployment line.Copy !req
424. - Is that what you want?
- No, it's not what I want.Copy !req
425. You know that. I just don't
feel comfortable doing this.Copy !req
426. Okay.Copy !req
427. Air conditioning, so...Copy !req
428. - No.
- It was 100 degrees in that warehouse,Copy !req
429. and you did whatever it took
to get off the floor.Copy !req
430. And that's what I'm doing.
That's what I'm doing.Copy !req
431. I'm doing what you told me.Copy !req
432. What happened to you?Copy !req
433. Hey, I just pulled a hammy.Copy !req
434. - Pounding box?
- What?Copy !req
435. Pounding box?
Putting it in that pussy.Copy !req
436. Giving it to her. Yeah.Copy !req
437. No, I was hitting the gym.Copy !req
438. - Hitting those weights.
- All right.Copy !req
439. - Ready to make it rain?
- Ready as I'll ever be.Copy !req
440. What are you doing?Copy !req
441. I'm required to be in here,
in case you try some monkey business.Copy !req
442. Okay. Are you gonna
come in the stall with me too?Copy !req
443. No stall, baby doll.
You gotta rock out with that cock out.Copy !req
444. I'll just be right behind here,
listening close.Copy !req
445. Okay, I kind of have a shy bladder.Copy !req
446. Oh, that's too bad,
because you have 30 seconds.Copy !req
447. Starting now!Copy !req
448. If you're having trouble,
just think of waterfalls!Copy !req
449. Or, like, fire hoses just
blasting water out.Copy !req
450. 22, 21...Copy !req
451. Think of, like, things gushing!Copy !req
452. Or, like, squirting.Copy !req
453. 18, 17...Copy !req
454. You know, I'm a squirter, but only if
I'm, like, comfortable with a person.Copy !req
455. Ten, nine, eight,Copy !req
456. seven, six, five...Copy !req
457. All right, that's enough!
I'm coming in!Copy !req
458. Oh.Copy !req
459. Got it!Copy !req
460. Hi-ho, Silver.
Brrr!Copy !req
461. Oh! Wow!Copy !req
462. Whew!Copy !req
463. Oh, my God.
Oh, shit. Whew!Copy !req
464. Man, I should get a job more often.Copy !req
465. - Fuck, yeah!
- Fuck, yeah! That was awesome.Copy !req
466. I have something else for you.Copy !req
467. - Back door?
- Ha!Copy !req
468. - Yeah, I'll go get my strap-on.
- Okay.Copy !req
469. You love it!Copy !req
470. What is this?Copy !req
471. - Oh.
- Can I see it?Copy !req
472. Yeah, yeah. Of course.Copy !req
473. Oh, baby.Copy !req
474. My unique skill set allows me
to seamlessly integrateCopy !req
475. into a range of management structures,Copy !req
476. which makes me highly employable
in today's marketplace.Copy !req
477. Uh, mainly I've found that dealing
with people is my best skill.Copy !req
478. Um, I have a lot of charisma.Copy !req
479. An ordinary man takes everything
as a blessing or a curse.Copy !req
480. A warrior takes it as a challenge.Copy !req
481. Um... who are you?Copy !req
482. Exciting stuff.Copy !req
483. Yeah, it's riveting.Copy !req
484. Just follow the boilerplate,
and you'll be fine.Copy !req
485. Clients choose from three backgrounds.
Skyline.Copy !req
486. There's also Corner Office
and Bookshelf.Copy !req
487. Corner Office and Bookshelf.
Got it.Copy !req
488. I made a video in here once.Copy !req
489. And I'm not the only one.Copy !req
490. Okay, thank you.
Thank you.Copy !req
491. Oh, Mr. Wilheimer, I wanted
to thank you for this opportunity.Copy !req
492. Oh, well, always on the lookout
for fresh talent, Will.Copy !req
493. Just one thing.Copy !req
494. Could you put me in touch
with that fellow from your video?Copy !req
495. The... mm.Copy !req
496. Yes, sir.
In six months to a year.Copy !req
497. Depending on good behavior.Copy !req
498. What the fuck?
What the fuck!Copy !req
499. How is it possible to be this bad?Copy !req
500. Ball.Copy !req
501. Okay.Copy !req
502. Kwan, let's review the basics.Copy !req
503. - Give and go!
- Ow!Copy !req
504. Jesus Christ.Copy !req
505. Big Stuff, anyone ever show you
how to set a pick?Copy !req
506. No.Copy !req
507. Get ready to bring some pain.Copy !req
508. Hamilton!Copy !req
509. Come here!Copy !req
510. This is deer scent.Copy !req
511. I use it out in the wild when I hunt.Copy !req
512. I use it in here,Copy !req
513. when I think a clerk
is ready for his very own desk.Copy !req
514. Drink it.Copy !req
515. Hold it!Copy !req
516. I'm gonna go ahead and let him
make up his own mind.Copy !req
517. Do you want your own desk?Copy !req
518. Or do you want to be a fucking clerk
the rest of your life?Copy !req
519. Your call.Copy !req
520. Two-to-one he drinks the deer cum.Copy !req
521. Deer cum?Copy !req
522. Drink it.
Drink the deer cum.Copy !req
523. Deer cum.Copy !req
524. Deer cum!
Deer cum! Deer cum!Copy !req
525. Uh-oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I think it's coming back up.Copy !req
526. 500 bucks says he gonna hurl.Copy !req
527. Breathe.Copy !req
528. You like that nutty taste in your
mouth?Copy !req
529. Oh, that's Bambi batter.Copy !req
530. Give it to me.Copy !req
531. Roll it around.Copy !req
532. Oh!Copy !req
533. Awesome!Copy !req
534. Did you see the arc on that?Copy !req
535. You're my bitch.Copy !req
536. Hey, guys, you're gonna want
to pause the game for this.Copy !req
537. - Ethan, what are you doing, man?
- Come on, man!Copy !req
538. It's a game of Halo!
Relax, I've got something to show you.Copy !req
539. - Wait!
- Come on, move.Copy !req
540. - Whoa!
- ♪ Bong, bong, bong, bongCopy !req
541. Oh, my God!Copy !req
542. Dude, I found some extra tubing
in my chem class.Copy !req
543. I put my little boys and girls to work.Copy !req
544. - Nice!
- What's the special occasion?Copy !req
545. Yeah, we're celebrating me
getting a desk.Copy !req
546. - Oh, that's right.
- And me buying an island.Copy !req
547. - You're not buying an island.
- No?Copy !req
548. Because I met someone who knows
Warren Buffett's bridge partner.Copy !req
549. I'm gonna offer him some stock
from my companyCopy !req
550. in exchange for Warren Buffett's
cell phone number.Copy !req
551. I'm gonna iSearchU Warren Buffett,
pitch him my app,Copy !req
552. gain access to billions of dollars
in venture capital,Copy !req
553. buy my island,
and populate it with porn stars.Copy !req
554. I'm sorry I doubted you.Copy !req
555. - No, you didn't know the plan.
- I didn't know the plan.Copy !req
556. Rick. What's up, man?Copy !req
557. Oh, Will, this is Katherine Dunn,
Vice President of our Client Services.Copy !req
558. It's good to have you back.
Get ready to have your mind blown.Copy !req
559. Because I'm taking video résumés
to the next level.Copy !req
560. Okay? Ready for this?Copy !req
561. People think accountants are a bunch
of number-crunching nerds,Copy !req
562. but I'm a jazz buff.Copy !req
563. I like to think of the tax code
as my instrument.Copy !req
564. I'm Tom Wilson,
at tomwilsonaccountant. Com.Copy !req
565. That was quite impactful.Copy !req
566. So, what do we think?Copy !req
567. I think it makes him seem youthful.Copy !req
568. Yeah, until now,
I always thought of Tom as a total dud.Copy !req
569. This is an executive placement firm,
Mr. Davis,Copy !req
570. not MTV.Copy !req
571. Yeah, nobody's going to hire this guy
because of his personality.Copy !req
572. Yeah, he needs to look professional.Copy !req
573. Everyone's always loved
the old résumés, so...Copy !req
574. You seem to have mistaken this videoCopy !req
575. as an opportunity
to express yourself, Mr. Davis.Copy !req
576. From now on, you will follow
the guidebook to the letter.Copy !req
577. Yeah, I found the guidebook
to be kind of limiting.Copy !req
578. I wrote the guidebook, Mr. Davis.Copy !req
579. And while I have you here,Copy !req
580. there are some issues of comportment
that apparently need clarification.Copy !req
581. You will maintain
a professional appearance.Copy !req
582. That means a suit and a tie.Copy !req
583. It does not mean sneakers.Copy !req
584. It does not mean khakis.Copy !req
585. It does not mean that unwashed rag
you call a T-shirt.Copy !req
586. Got it.Copy !req
587. "Got it"?Copy !req
588. Understood?Copy !req
589. And while I was away,Copy !req
590. I was a recipient of several
of your reply-all e-mails.Copy !req
591. They were inappropriate, offensive,Copy !req
592. and most of all, not funny.Copy !req
593. Nobody wants a birthday spanking
from you, Mr. Davis.Copy !req
594. And finally, I took a look
at your Facebook pageCopy !req
595. and was confronted
with this sordid image.Copy !req
596. I was there for the buffet.Copy !req
597. You are an employee
of this company, Mr. Davis.Copy !req
598. Your behavior must conform
to the exacting standardsCopy !req
599. of the Wilheimer
Executive Placement Firm.Copy !req
600. - Is that understood?
- Understood.Copy !req
601. - Understood?
- Understood.Copy !req
602. Hi, Pearl. Roger Davis.Copy !req
603. Is Mr. Gentry in?Copy !req
604. He's not? Okay.Copy !req
605. Do you know if he's had a chance
to look at my résumé yet?Copy !req
606. Regional Distribution Manager,
Scanner and Disk Duplicator Division?Copy !req
607. No. Okay.
Um...Copy !req
608. Do you know if he received the package
of Rockin' Moroccan coffee that...Copy !req
609. Oh, hello?
Okay, why don't you hang up first?Copy !req
610. - Hey!
- Hey.Copy !req
611. Hi, buddy!Copy !req
612. Come on into my office here.Copy !req
613. Cammy, come on over.Copy !req
614. This is Will.
Will, this is my friend, Cammy.Copy !req
615. Hey, Will.
How's the job working out?Copy !req
616. - Uh, it's good.
- Good.Copy !req
617. Dad, what did you do to your beard?Copy !req
618. Well, I lost two jobs in a week
to people in their 30s.Copy !req
619. So Cammy volunteered
to make me look ten years younger.Copy !req
620. Gothic Raven.
What do you think? Hmm?Copy !req
621. Yeah.Copy !req
622. Cammy, are you helping him out
with his Twitter feed, too?Copy !req
623. Oh, Rog doesn't need any help.Copy !req
624. Yeah? I think Rog needs
a little bit of help.Copy !req
625. "My friend Jim lost his mother
yesterday. LOL, Jim."Copy !req
626. What? "Lots of love."Copy !req
627. It's okay.
You want another one, Rog?Copy !req
628. Keep them coming.
Oh, one for Will, too, please.Copy !req
629. - Oh, yeah.
- I'm okay, whoever you are.Copy !req
630. So, what's up?Copy !req
631. Well, my supervisor's back from leave,
and she is a total ballbuster.Copy !req
632. I mean, she was on my ass
about my e-mails,Copy !req
633. and my Facebook page,
and how I dress in front of everybody.Copy !req
634. It was humiliating.Copy !req
635. Wait, this isn't how you dress
at work, is it?Copy !req
636. Dad, I'm the video guy.
Who cares what I look like?Copy !req
637. Look, just stop, okay?
Stop for a second.Copy !req
638. Your clients pay $30,000
for your services.Copy !req
639. They care what you look like.Copy !req
640. You need to conform to their standards,
not the other way around.Copy !req
641. And the fact that you can't grasp that
is mind-boggling!Copy !req
642. What is up with you?Copy !req
643. What is up with me is,
I've sent out hundreds of résumés,Copy !req
644. and I've gotten only three interviews.Copy !req
645. What is up with me is,
I don't want to hear you bitch and moanCopy !req
646. that your employer makes you act
in a professional manner.Copy !req
647. That is what's up with me.Copy !req
648. Okay, Dad, well, look,
I'm sorry for telling you how I feel.Copy !req
649. I didn't know just because
I have a jobCopy !req
650. and you don't that
you wouldn't listen to me.Copy !req
651. Oh, I'm listening, all right,
but all I hear is a spoiled little brat!Copy !req
652. Okay.Copy !req
653. You look like Billy Mays.Copy !req
654. - I look like Willie Mays?
- You look like Billy Mays!Copy !req
655. Who's Billy Mays?Copy !req
656. If you're gonna tell someone off,
make it clear!Copy !req
657. What do you think?Copy !req
658. Hot. Very, very hot.Copy !req
659. They're Prada.Copy !req
660. They were $779.Copy !req
661. I know. I just...Copy !req
662. I just want them
to take me seriously at work.Copy !req
663. Everybody takes you seriously.Copy !req
664. - They do?
- Yes, they do.Copy !req
665. Sophomore year.Copy !req
666. We're running Ultimate Frisbee drills
down in the lounge.Copy !req
667. Ethan comes in and says
that there's a situationCopy !req
668. - that I need to handle downstairs.
- Mm.Copy !req
669. So, I go downstairs,
and I see this tiny little personCopy !req
670. in pajamas and slippers,Copy !req
671. and she is so, so angry.Copy !req
672. Um, I was trying to study.Copy !req
673. The moment that I saw you, I knew that
you were someone to take seriously.Copy !req
674. What are you gonna do
about work, Will?Copy !req
675. Have a nice day, boys!Copy !req
676. Hey!
Ooh, it's coming down.Copy !req
677. - Look at you.
- Yeah, right?Copy !req
678. Look at you.Copy !req
679. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
680. - Yeah, looks good.
- Well... Thanks.Copy !req
681. - So, is anything good here?
- Oh, everything's good here.Copy !req
682. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
683. Can I get two pork and bean burritos,Copy !req
684. four beef machacas,
and two beers?Copy !req
685. - Hey, what are you doing?
- I'm paying for our...Copy !req
686. No, you're not.
Tonight's on me.Copy !req
687. Hmm.Copy !req
688. Mm. Oh, man.Copy !req
689. This is my first machaca.
It's great.Copy !req
690. - Hey, Dad.
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
691. I'm sorry about last week.Copy !req
692. Yeah, me too.Copy !req
693. Could we get some beer, please?
Two tequila shots.Copy !req
694. Let's get hammered.Copy !req
695. Cheers.Copy !req
696. Drink up.Copy !req
697. - Fuck. Yeah, it's all right.
- See?Copy !req
698. All right, Dad.
You know why we're doing this?Copy !req
699. - Why?
- We're doing thisCopy !req
700. so that what's-his-name...Copy !req
701. - Your...
- Oh, my guy?Copy !req
702. James Gentry.
The decision maker.Copy !req
703. Right. So James Gentry
can find out who you are.Copy !req
704. Yeah.
Who am I?Copy !req
705. You're a great man.Copy !req
706. You supported me my whole life, Dad.
Let me repay the favor, please.Copy !req
707. Okay.Copy !req
708. - Okay. Ready?
- Okay.Copy !req
709. - Do this again, that makes me know.
- Yeah, okay.Copy !req
710. Let's press record.Copy !req
711. - Go.
- My name is Roger Davis.Copy !req
712. I'm very punctual, and faithful...Copy !req
713. Oh, God!
I'm so terrible at this.Copy !req
714. God!Copy !req
715. I need to do something productive.Copy !req
716. Something worthwhile.Copy !req
717. Really all it's about.Copy !req
718. Do you know, work has always
been more important to meCopy !req
719. than anyone else I know?Copy !req
720. It just has.
I love it. I love it.Copy !req
721. I just need to get into
the employer and see them.Copy !req
722. Do you know?
One-on-one.Copy !req
723. And if they can just
somehow get to know me,Copy !req
724. just even a little bit,Copy !req
725. then they would know
why they should hire me.Copy !req
726. That is the goal.
That's the goal.Copy !req
727. So, anyway, I'm sorry.
I'm blabbering on.Copy !req
728. All right, we need to do this.Copy !req
729. - All right.
- No, we're good.Copy !req
730. No, I'll try it,
I'll try it.Copy !req
731. Dad, another time.Copy !req
732. All right.Copy !req
733. If I drink anymore of this,
this is not going to go well.Copy !req
734. - Well, we got six more to go.
- Whoa!Copy !req
735. Yeah!Copy !req
736. - You did that on purpose, didn't you?
- Whoo!Copy !req
737. - Absolutely!
- You did!Copy !req
738. You did, too.Copy !req
739. - Good afternoon, Mr. Buffett.
- Oh, jeez!Copy !req
740. I am sure you're wondering
how I knew that you were in town.Copy !req
741. Because you read it
in the LA Times?Copy !req
742. Damn it!Copy !req
743. Actually, through the use
of GPS triangulation,Copy !req
744. my app, the iSearchU,Copy !req
745. allowed me to send you a text messageCopy !req
746. and receive back your exact location,Copy !req
747. right down to this stall.
It's incredible!Copy !req
748. You know Foursquare
does that already, right?Copy !req
749. No, no, no.
You don't get it.Copy !req
750. Foursquare lets you
tell other people where you are.Copy !req
751. My app tells me where you are
even if you don't want me to know.Copy !req
752. It's a game changer, sir, okay?Copy !req
753. I'm telling you,
if you say yes right now,Copy !req
754. I can promise you
50-50 in my company.Copy !req
755. 60-40.Copy !req
756. You drive a hard bargain, sir.Copy !req
757. 65-35, last offer.Copy !req
758. You know...
I like it.Copy !req
759. You do?Copy !req
760. Let me text my people.Copy !req
761. Oh, my God!
I knew that you would like it.Copy !req
762. You're the Oracle of Omaha.
You are a visionary like me, sir.Copy !req
763. This is incredible.Copy !req
764. What the fuck is this?Copy !req
765. What the fuck? Hey!Copy !req
766. Oh! Hey!Copy !req
767. Who has security guards
when they take shits?Copy !req
768. What the fuck
is wrong with you, Buffett?Copy !req
769. You can't hide
from the iStalkU!Copy !req
770. Buffett!Copy !req
771. Double-shot white chocolate mocha
with extra cream.Copy !req
772. Where are we
on the Fredericks video?Copy !req
773. - On schedule for tomorrow afternoon.
- Hmm.Copy !req
774. I was hoping for some personal time
tomorrow afternoon.Copy !req
775. Say no more.Copy !req
776. I will stay late tonight and get it
to you first thing in the morning.Copy !req
777. - Uh... Will?
- Mm-hmm?Copy !req
778. There are going to be
some changes around here.Copy !req
779. - Changes?
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
780. I'm taking Wilheimer
into the 21st century.Copy !req
781. There will be a new position created,Copy !req
782. Vice President
of Corporate Communications.Copy !req
783. You keep up the good work,
that Vice President is you.Copy !req
784. - Hey, Fernando.
- Fernando.Copy !req
785. - Sorry?
- Fernando.Copy !req
786. Fernando, right.
Tanya said that I should talk to you.Copy !req
787. About what?Copy !req
788. I have some extra work
that I'm doing tonight,Copy !req
789. and I just need a little help.Copy !req
790. - You want me to do your work for you?
- No, no, no.Copy !req
791. What I'm saying is that she said
that I should talk to you.Copy !req
792. About, you know...Copy !req
793. I have ADD.Copy !req
794. You know there's
two Fernandos in this office?Copy !req
795. Fernando Little,
Director of Client Services,Copy !req
796. Division Sales Leader,
three years running.Copy !req
797. And Fernando, the janitor.Copy !req
798. Mi madre, she's a psychiatrist.Copy !req
799. So, I can hook you up
with whatever you need.Copy !req
800. Those are drugs.Copy !req
801. Saw you last night.Copy !req
802. With tu papa.Copy !req
803. You're not gonna tell anyone,
are you?Copy !req
804. Wasn't close to mi papa.Copy !req
805. Your words...Copy !req
806. They moved me.Copy !req
807. I will take it to the grave.Copy !req
808. Now, someone with extra work...Copy !req
809. - may I recommend...
- Dexedrine?Copy !req
810. Sexy Dexy.Copy !req
811. He's an attorney.
And I worked at his legal practice,Copy !req
812. as an intern...Copy !req
813. Mainly I found that dealing
with people was my best skill.Copy !req
814. So, he would have me deliver...Copy !req
815. We started out
delivering packages...Copy !req
816. And then ultimately...Copy !req
817. I have a lot of charisma.Copy !req
818. My unique...
I can be...Copy !req
819. makes me highly...Copy !req
820. highly employable
in today's marketplace.Copy !req
821. I'm Lawrence Wilheimer
and I'm old!Copy !req
822. And I don't understand technology
because I'm so old.Copy !req
823. So I have Will
clear my browser history every day!Copy !req
824. Oh, my God!Copy !req
825. - Who's the decision maker?
- You are.Copy !req
826. - You... You're... You are...
- That's good.Copy !req
827. - Will Davis.
- Dude!Copy !req
828. - You're viral!
- What?Copy !req
829. Your Skeezy video has over
114,000 hits on YouTube!Copy !req
830. - YouTube?
- Yeah, YouTube.Copy !req
831. YouTube? YouTube?Copy !req
832. It's fucking YouTube.
Am I saying this wrong?Copy !req
833. - Yeah, that's YouTube.
- That's YouTube, right?Copy !req
834. - Yeah, that's...
- Yeah, let him know.Copy !req
835. It's YouTube, Will!Copy !req
836. Well, I structured my businessCopy !req
837. around the same eco-friendly model
as Ben and Jerry's.Copy !req
838. You know what I'm sayin'?Copy !req
839. Bitches going to go for
the pimp with best work environment.Copy !req
840. That's why we got free STD testing,
free condoms...Copy !req
841. I'm viral! Yes!
Oh... oh, shit!Copy !req
842. And even a dental plan.Copy !req
843. You can't be having
no toothless bitches!Copy !req
844. How much you know about us
as a company, Will?Copy !req
845. Uh, absolutely nothing.Copy !req
846. Join the club, brother.
We will fix that.Copy !req
847. - Sweat Body Spray?
- Yeah.Copy !req
848. When kids put that on,Copy !req
849. I want them to know
they're sending a message.Copy !req
850. - Guess what the message is?
- "I'm cool."Copy !req
851. No, the message is,
"I'm down to fuck."Copy !req
852. - Oh! Okay.
- Or be fucked.Copy !req
853. Uh, hey, Lon. I still don't know
why I'm here exactly.Copy !req
854. Why you're here?
I'll tell you why you're here.Copy !req
855. You're here because I want youCopy !req
856. to head up
our Internet and viral marketing.Copy !req
857. You're offering me a job?Copy !req
858. I saw the Skeezy D video,Copy !req
859. and it blew my fucking mind inside out!Copy !req
860. I'm up all night.
I can't sleepCopy !req
861. because I'm watching this video
over and over and over again,Copy !req
862. screaming at the TV,
"Just tell me what you want me to buy!"Copy !req
863. Yeah. Ooh, spank that monkey.Copy !req
864. Spank, spank that monkey, yeah.Copy !req
865. That's my niece.Copy !req
866. All right, so what kind of salary
are we talking?Copy !req
867. Mm, okay.
I can offer you 22.Copy !req
868. Ooh, that's not a lot.Copy !req
869. Will...Copy !req
870. We're marketing to kids that were doing
triple irony in kindergarten.Copy !req
871. And you...Copy !req
872. You are so fucking ironic,Copy !req
873. you've gone all the way around
the track, back to authentic.Copy !req
874. You're irontic, man.
You're irontic!Copy !req
875. "Irontic"?Copy !req
876. - Ding-dong! Going down.
- What are you doing?Copy !req
877. Will, if you told me to take
our entire marketing budgetCopy !req
878. and blow it
on a billboard with nothingCopy !req
879. but pictures of fat,
veiny cocks, I'd do it!Copy !req
880. I'll do whatever you say!Copy !req
881. Tell me what to do, man.
Tell me what to do!Copy !req
882. Guess who's awesome?Copy !req
883. I am. Will is awesome.
I did it.Copy !req
884. I stepped up, babe.
I did exactly...Copy !req
885. There you are. I did exactly
what you told me to do.Copy !req
886. I stepped up big time.
And I got great news for us.Copy !req
887. - I got fired.
- What?Copy !req
888. I got fired today.Copy !req
889. They called me in
to Human Resources,Copy !req
890. and I thought I was getting promoted.
That's how stupid I am.Copy !req
891. You're not stupid.Copy !req
892. Yeah, I am.Copy !req
893. I'm V90,000 in debt.Copy !req
894. And I spent $779
on a pair of shoes!Copy !req
895. It's going to be okay.Copy !req
896. No, it's not.
How is this going to be okay?Copy !req
897. Because you're gonna...
You're gonna get another job.Copy !req
898. I'm sorry, Will...Copy !req
899. What are you...
What are we celebrating?Copy !req
900. Katherine is gonna
put me up for a promotion.Copy !req
901. That's great!
That's great.Copy !req
902. At least one of us has a career, right?Copy !req
903. Come here.Copy !req
904. That's great.Copy !req
905. What am I going to do for rent?Copy !req
906. Hey, roomie!Copy !req
907. FYI, we leave porn laying around,
so just, like, embrace it.Copy !req
908. The week started out bad.Copy !req
909. My severance ran out.
The mortgage was due.Copy !req
910. I pillaged my 401 (k).
I was spiraling.Copy !req
911. And then on Tuesday,
I finally get an interview with Xerox.Copy !req
912. And I went in there and I killed.Copy !req
913. I mean, it was the kind of interview
that you dream about.Copy !req
914. And it was so good, that I
remember tearing up in the elevator.Copy !req
915. And I knew... I knew they were
gonna send me on to Gentry.Copy !req
916. I knew I was finally going to meet
the decision maker.Copy !req
917. And ever since then, nothing.Copy !req
918. Bupkis.Copy !req
919. I just need the bathroom key.Copy !req
920. Sorry.Copy !req
921. Cammy!Copy !req
922. How do I get to James Gentry?Copy !req
923. I've e-mailed, I've texted,
I've twittered.Copy !req
924. I've called his home.
I spoke to his wife.Copy !req
925. You called his house?Copy !req
926. Well, the conversation was brief.Copy !req
927. It was dinner time.
She had company.Copy !req
928. But I think I made an impression!Copy !req
929. Maybe you should focus
on more than one job listing.Copy !req
930. I'm so perfect for this job!Copy !req
931. I just have to get myself
in front of the guyCopy !req
932. who can actually pull the trigger
and hire me!Copy !req
933. It is ABC time!Copy !req
934. One way or another,
I've got to get to the decision maker.Copy !req
935. - Yes.
- Whoa!Copy !req
936. James Gentry,
prepare to meet Roger Davis.Copy !req
937. Yo.Copy !req
938. Hey, man.
Listen to my dad's latest tweet.Copy !req
939. "It ends today.Copy !req
940. "ABC, equal sign,
Annihilation Brings Closure.Copy !req
941. "Roger Davis,
symbol for greater than James Gentry."Copy !req
942. What the hell does that mean?Copy !req
943. I don't know, man,
but it sounds ominous.Copy !req
944. Yeah, it definitely doesn't sound good.Copy !req
945. Yeah, this is bad.
Look, Luke, we gotta go find my dad.Copy !req
946. All right, here I come.Copy !req
947. Yeah, it's Fifth and Spring,
right off the 101, big gray building.Copy !req
948. - Excuse me, sir.
- Hmm?Copy !req
949. Check in with the front desk, please.Copy !req
950. Oh, right, right.Copy !req
951. All right.
I'll take care of that this afternoon.Copy !req
952. All right.
All right, bye-bye.Copy !req
953. Good afternoon.Copy !req
954. Roger Davis here
to see James Gentry.Copy !req
955. You could sign in.Copy !req
956. Uh, sir?Copy !req
957. I'm going to need you
to exit the building.Copy !req
958. Okay.Copy !req
959. Or... how about this?Copy !req
960. How about I'm not going anywhereCopy !req
961. until after I see the decision maker.Copy !req
962. Katherine?Copy !req
963. - Mr. Wilheimer.
- Ah, yeah.Copy !req
964. Look, family emergency.
I need to leave early.Copy !req
965. We're starting the Fredericks meeting.Copy !req
966. Okay. Well, how important is it
that I'm there?Copy !req
967. How important is keeping your job?Copy !req
968. Katherine, I'm sorry.
My dad needs me.Copy !req
969. Nearest exit, everybody!Copy !req
970. Go, mi amigo.Copy !req
971. - Wait, did you pull that for me?
- Shh.Copy !req
972. Go to tu papa.Copy !req
973. - Hurry up!
- He's at Millennium Plaza.Copy !req
974. How do you know?Copy !req
975. IStalkU, motherfucker!Copy !req
976. You can't wait here, sir.
Why don't you find a Starbucks?Copy !req
977. Why don't you find
a suck-my-cock-bucks? Hmm?Copy !req
978. Sorry.
That was uncalled for.Copy !req
979. Where are we going?Copy !req
980. It's saying he's, like, around...Copy !req
981. I shouldn't have said
what I said.Copy !req
982. But I'd like to let you know
that if you call Pearl,Copy !req
983. Pearl knows me
and you just tell her...Copy !req
984. Hey, hey!
That's my dad.Copy !req
985. Will?Copy !req
986. Whatever he did,
if you just let him go,Copy !req
987. I promise I'll get him home safely.Copy !req
988. Look, please, sir.
Don't embarrass him anymore.Copy !req
989. Please.Copy !req
990. Go on, Mr. Davis.Copy !req
991. Thank you.Copy !req
992. Wait a minute. That's...
That's Gentry.Copy !req
993. That's him.
That's the decision maker.Copy !req
994. Dad!Copy !req
995. Go!Copy !req
996. I was captain
of my Ultimate Frisbee team.Copy !req
997. Shut up!Copy !req
998. Hold it. Hold it!Copy !req
999. Hold it, hold it.
Thank you.Copy !req
1000. No! Oh!Copy !req
1001. Hold it, hold on!Copy !req
1002. Mr. Gentry, my name
is Roger Davis.Copy !req
1003. Stay away from me.
I'll call security.Copy !req
1004. They know I'm here.Copy !req
1005. Now, sir. I know you must think
that I'm psychotic.Copy !req
1006. I'm not psychotic.
I'm not.Copy !req
1007. I'm just a man
driven to desperationCopy !req
1008. by months and months
of rejection and indifference.Copy !req
1009. I'm a human being,Copy !req
1010. asking for an opportunity
to tell you face to faceCopy !req
1011. why I think I would be great
for your company.Copy !req
1012. This is my résumé.
My son made this.Copy !req
1013. Why me?Copy !req
1014. Because you, sir,
are the decision maker.Copy !req
1015. What happened?Copy !req
1016. I got an interview.Copy !req
1017. Yeah!Copy !req
1018. - Nice!
- All right!Copy !req
1019. - All right!
- Yeah!Copy !req
1020. Yes!Copy !req
1021. What am I gonna do?Copy !req
1022. There can be only one.Copy !req
1023. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
1024. Katherine wants to see you
in her office.Copy !req
1025. Fuck.Copy !req
1026. Goodbye head?Copy !req
1027. What? No.
What is wrong with you?Copy !req
1028. I'm really bored.Copy !req
1029. Isn't it a glorious day?Copy !req
1030. What's glorious about it?Copy !req
1031. I've rid this company
of the dead wood.Copy !req
1032. We are leaner and meaner.Copy !req
1033. This is a contract.Copy !req
1034. It's a what?Copy !req
1035. You're now Vice President
of Corporate Communications.Copy !req
1036. Your salary is $52,000.Copy !req
1037. 52,000?Copy !req
1038. You'll be doing the work
of three people.Copy !req
1039. Get used to eating
dinner at your desk.Copy !req
1040. Now that I've turned you around,
it was easier to kick you upstairsCopy !req
1041. than to train someone new.Copy !req
1042. Just don't forget
who did the kicking.Copy !req
1043. - Yeah.
- Come here.Copy !req
1044. I own you, Mr. Davis.Copy !req
1045. Get to work, VP.Copy !req
1046. Yes!Copy !req
1047. Why are you massaging
my girlfriend?Copy !req
1048. Shh!
Don't break her concentration.Copy !req
1049. She's about to get
to the Living Legend achievement.Copy !req
1050. This is fucking crazy, man!
She's on a killing spree.Copy !req
1051. Killing frenzy.Copy !req
1052. Your girlfriend
is a fucking prodigy, bro.Copy !req
1053. Bong me.Copy !req
1054. You light it.
Light it for her.Copy !req
1055. "Bong me"?
Hey, what's up with you, man?Copy !req
1056. I lost a half a million dollars today.Copy !req
1057. I am fucked.
I let everybody down, dude.Copy !req
1058. I let Tyler Perry down.Copy !req
1059. Oprah, Barack Obama...Copy !req
1060. I let Barack Obama down.
I am fucked, man.Copy !req
1061. - Stay with it.
- I'm on it.Copy !req
1062. You guys don't understand, man.Copy !req
1063. You guys don't understand.
I drank deer cum!Copy !req
1064. - Move!
- Oh, God. Shit!Copy !req
1065. Hey, Jillian, can I talk to you
for a second?Copy !req
1066. - Boo!
- No.Copy !req
1067. Okay. All right.Copy !req
1068. Game over, bitches!Copy !req
1069. What are you doing?
You can't do that.Copy !req
1070. You can't pull the cord out.
Why are you doing that?Copy !req
1071. - Boo!
- Don't boo me.Copy !req
1072. You don't... Don't boo.
Stop booing me!Copy !req
1073. I'm surprised at you, Will.Copy !req
1074. Dude, get out of here.Copy !req
1075. Sudden trauma can hurt the LED.Copy !req
1076. Wait, come here.
Save me, save me, save me! I don't...Copy !req
1077. - Bong me.
- Bong coming in.Copy !req
1078. All right, Jillian.
I need you to step up.Copy !req
1079. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1080. Bring home the bacon, baby.Copy !req
1081. Oh, fuck.
Let's eat some bacon right now.Copy !req
1082. Mr. Diller?Copy !req
1083. I just want to say
I'm sorry I screwed up.Copy !req
1084. And thank you for the opportunity and...Copy !req
1085. I'm sorry I let you down.Copy !req
1086. Where in the fuck
do you think you're going?Copy !req
1087. Sit the fuck down.Copy !req
1088. What kind of fucking pussy generation
do you come from, anyway?Copy !req
1089. You never apologize.Copy !req
1090. Never, ever.
You burn the fucking house down,Copy !req
1091. you roll up your fucking sleeves
and you build another one.Copy !req
1092. Now, get the fuck back out there
and make the money back.Copy !req
1093. You got it?Copy !req
1094. Go.Copy !req
1095. Yo, this will never happen again.Copy !req
1096. Thank you so much.Copy !req
1097. Goddamn it.Copy !req
1098. Send the fucking custodian in.Copy !req
1099. Bring it in.
Okay, circle up.Copy !req
1100. All right. Now, I know
we haven't won a game yet,Copy !req
1101. but we have been losing
by less and less.Copy !req
1102. And I know for a fact that
their two best players have head lice.Copy !req
1103. I'm saying we have a chance today.Copy !req
1104. A chance for victory.Copy !req
1105. A chance for redemption.Copy !req
1106. Hands in.Copy !req
1107. Victory on three.Copy !req
1108. One, two, three.
Victory!Copy !req
1109. Great season!
You guys played your hearts out.Copy !req
1110. You did it.Copy !req
1111. Everybody is a winner.Copy !req
1112. We are so proud of you.Copy !req
1113. Next year, no scoreboard, right?Copy !req
1114. All right.
Here you go, honey.Copy !req
1115. No, no, no.
No trophies!Copy !req
1116. No, no, no!
No trophies this year.Copy !req
1117. We always get trophies.Copy !req
1118. Trophies don't mean anything
unless you earn them.Copy !req
1119. They're just plastic junk.Copy !req
1120. Look.Copy !req
1121. No!Copy !req
1122. My childhood bedroom
is filled to the brim with trophies,Copy !req
1123. and I haven't won a thing in my life.Copy !req
1124. You would have to be born
already in a comaCopy !req
1125. to do as little
with your life as I have.Copy !req
1126. - Excuse me.
- Stop it, stop! Listen to me.Copy !req
1127. Listen, guys.Copy !req
1128. Listen to me.Copy !req
1129. Now, I've spent the last
five years of my lifeCopy !req
1130. practically living
on a cum-stained couch.Copy !req
1131. I smoke $200 of weed a week.Copy !req
1132. I've been wearing the same
pair of socks for so longCopy !req
1133. that the fabric of the sock
has literally become oneCopy !req
1134. with the skin of my little toe.Copy !req
1135. And why? Why?Copy !req
1136. Because when I was growing up,Copy !req
1137. they gave me trophies for losing.Copy !req
1138. Do you understand what I'm saying?Copy !req
1139. No trophy, Sam.Copy !req
1140. Kwan, no trophies!Copy !req
1141. No trophies!Copy !req
1142. No trophies! No trophies!Copy !req
1143. Thanks, Charlie.Copy !req
1144. Don't call me Charlie.Copy !req
1145. Call me Coach.Copy !req
1146. Hey.Copy !req
1147. - This place is foul.
- I know.Copy !req
1148. - There's porn everywhere.
- I know.Copy !req
1149. Look, this is just temporary.Copy !req
1150. I got a good steady job now.Copy !req
1151. I mean, I don't want to jinx it,Copy !req
1152. but they're talking about
Employee of the Month.Copy !req
1153. I don't think that's a thing
that people do anymore.Copy !req
1154. It is.
And I'm gonna get it.Copy !req
1155. For us.Copy !req
1156. What I'm saying is,
it's gonna be okay.Copy !req
1157. Oh, Will...Copy !req
1158. Is this your girlfriend?Copy !req
1159. Jillian, this is Katherine Dunn.Copy !req
1160. - Hello.
- Hi, Jillian.Copy !req
1161. I think that Jillian
should be thanking me, don't you?Copy !req
1162. - Thanking you for what?
- For what?Copy !req
1163. For what?Copy !req
1164. For turning you into the responsible
little worker bee that you are.Copy !req
1165. - It was very nice to meet you.
- You, too.Copy !req
1166. - Enjoy the party, dears.
- Okay.Copy !req
1167. - Wow.
- I know.Copy !req
1168. But she's making me Vice President.Copy !req
1169. All signed.
Just got to turn it in.Copy !req
1170. Where did you find that?Copy !req
1171. I called Lon Zimmet.Copy !req
1172. Um...Copy !req
1173. He went on and on about you,Copy !req
1174. and used the word "cock"
like, 1,000 times.Copy !req
1175. Yeah, he does that.Copy !req
1176. I need to say something.Copy !req
1177. What?Copy !req
1178. I'm 22 years old
and I have no ideaCopy !req
1179. what I'm gonna do
with the rest of my life.Copy !req
1180. And I'm fine with that.
I have a lot to offer the world,Copy !req
1181. and this is just the beginning,
and if you want to take a jobCopy !req
1182. with some shady start-up company
that has nothing to offer youCopy !req
1183. but stock options and a dream,
then you should do that!Copy !req
1184. Yeah, you know,
maybe we're not all geniuses.Copy !req
1185. So we're not the greatest generation,
so what?Copy !req
1186. These are our lives,
and we're gonna make the most of 'em!Copy !req
1187. I love you, Jillian.Copy !req
1188. Come on, come on.
Don't be shy.Copy !req
1189. Hey, Katherine,
can I talk to you for a second?Copy !req
1190. Sure.Copy !req
1191. So, I wanted to thank you
for this opportunity.Copy !req
1192. Oh, pleasure.Copy !req
1193. But yeah, the job,
it's not really for me.Copy !req
1194. - You're joking.
- No. I quit.Copy !req
1195. Wow.Copy !req
1196. Cocky little shit.Copy !req
1197. What,
are you gonna go play houseCopy !req
1198. with that ugly little
girlfriend of yours?Copy !req
1199. - Maybe I will.
- Maybe you will.Copy !req
1200. But let me tell you something.
You won't, because you won't have a job.Copy !req
1201. So I want you to be
prepared for what itCopy !req
1202. feels like to be on
the unemployment line.Copy !req
1203. Because as of this moment forward,
I'm going to do everything in my powerCopy !req
1204. to ensure that you never work
in this town again.Copy !req
1205. Hey, put that in your Facebook.Copy !req
1206. - Should I put my showcase here?
- Yeah, would you?Copy !req
1207. I found this working late one night,Copy !req
1208. and I thought it was
a good opportunity to express myself.Copy !req
1209. - Merry Christmas.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, wow!Copy !req
1210. Take that minotaur cock.Copy !req
1211. Is it tough out there?
No doubt.Copy !req
1212. But we all need a job.
So, what do you do?Copy !req
1213. Chug, chug, chug!Copy !req
1214. Find the thing
that you were meant to do.Copy !req
1215. Work your ass off to get it.Copy !req
1216. Never stop believing.Copy !req
1217. Never quit.Copy !req
1218. Hello.
Skeezy D blowin' up the Internet.Copy !req
1219. Everybody rollin' up to me like,
"How can I roll Skeezy-style?"Copy !req
1220. Well, look.Copy !req
1221. Sweat.Copy !req
1222. Get your fuck on.Copy !req
1223. It's a dick!Copy !req
1224. Fucking great!Copy !req
1225. Will, I'd like to officially welcome you
to the Sweat team.Copy !req
1226. Thanks, Lon.
Um...Copy !req
1227. But I'm gonna have to
turn down your offer.Copy !req
1228. What?Copy !req
1229. I've started my own production
company,Copy !req
1230. but I would be honored
to have Sweat as my first client.Copy !req
1231. Yeah.Copy !req
1232. In other words,
don't just feel special.Copy !req
1233. Be special.Copy !req
1234. Do you love your wife?
Of course you do.Copy !req
1235. But when she tells you
she's going shopping,Copy !req
1236. how do you know she's not actually
going to a sordid motel like this one?Copy !req
1237. - Hello, lover.
- Hello.Copy !req
1238. Hmm.Copy !req
1239. Your husband says he's working late.Copy !req
1240. Well, what kind of work
are we really talking about?Copy !req
1241. Hey, Jezebel, sin.Copy !req
1242. Come and join the more
than 150,000 satisfied customersCopy !req
1243. who have all used iStalkU.Copy !req
1244. Let your loved ones know you careCopy !req
1245. by never letting them
out of your virtual sight.Copy !req
1246. Oh! Oh...Copy !req
1247. And cut!Copy !req
1248. We got it.Copy !req
1249. All right!Copy !req