1. You know what my first memory is?Copy !req
2. Feeling special.Copy !req
3. The first time I pooped,
there was applause.Copy !req
4. When we scribbled something in crayon,
it was a Picasso.Copy !req
5. Gold stickers for everyone.Copy !req
6. C+ in gym? Perfect attendance?
"Hey, here's 100 bucks."Copy !req
7. When we hit a new level on Wave Race,Copy !req
8. it was like we won the Olympics.Copy !req
9. For kids of my generation,
strike three meant one thing:Copy !req
10. take your base.Copy !req
11. Look out, world.
Here we come.Copy !req
12. Closer, closer, closer.
There we go.Copy !req
13. - Look at that.
- Aw, you are so cute together.Copy !req
14. Adorable.
So, Jillian,Copy !req
15. Will tells us that you are going to
start working at Johnson & Johnson.Copy !req
16. - That's fantastic!
- Thank you. Yeah, I'm excited to start.Copy !req
17. Sales Analyst.
It sounds so impressive.Copy !req
18. Junior Sales Analyst. But the "Junior"
is gonna be gone by Christmas.Copy !req
19. Ah. And Will's finally being paid
at LA Weekly.Copy !req
20. - Way to go, you two.
- I know.Copy !req
21. I told you guys,
we're a power couple.Copy !req
22. Will, there's a little something
to get you started.Copy !req
23. Wow!Copy !req
24. Thanks, Dad.
Thanks, Mom.Copy !req
25. Will, did I ever tell you
what my first job was?Copy !req
26. Was it, by any chance, stacking crates
of tomatoes in a warehouse, Dad?Copy !req
27. Correct.Copy !req
28. Must have been 100 degrees
in that warehouse.Copy !req
29. - You know what got me through?
- I'm gonna go with air conditioning.Copy !req
30. Air conditioning.Copy !req
31. There was one office
that was air conditioned.Copy !req
32. High above the floor.Copy !req
33. It was for the warehouse supervisor.Copy !req
34. And I told myself right then and there,Copy !req
35. "I don't know how I'm gonna do it,
but I'm going to get to that office."Copy !req
36. Didn't that guy have
a heart attack, Dad?Copy !req
37. It was an aneurysm.
The point is, I worked my way upCopy !req
38. until I was in charge of the entire
North American supply chain.Copy !req
39. I am proof there's nothing
you can't achieve.Copy !req
40. Exactly, and that's why
I'm saying this LA Weekly thingCopy !req
41. is really just a springboard for me.Copy !req
42. 'Cause, I mean, I'm gonna dominate
their Web edition.Copy !req
43. I've got videos, live blogging,
interactive content.Copy !req
44. - I'm building my brand.
- Brand?Copy !req
45. - You spent the money on a TV?
- Yeah.Copy !req
46. That's one of the largest televisions
available on the market today.Copy !req
47. Seventy inches. What?Copy !req
48. You want to know why
we're not living together?Copy !req
49. - Exhibit A.
- Boo!Copy !req
50. Hey, J. La.
Was that your sister at graduation?Copy !req
51. - No.
- Are you sure?Copy !req
52. Mm-mm.Copy !req
53. I saw her, like, hugging your parents
and giving your dad a little...Copy !req
54. I mean, can I get her phone number?Copy !req
55. - Is this the iStalkU?
- It's the iSearchU.Copy !req
56. - If you could just mind your business.
- What is iStalkU?Copy !req
57. The iSearchU?Copy !req
58. It's just an app that I'm developing.Copy !req
59. Say there's a person that you want to
find, but they don't want to be found.Copy !req
60. Like, there's this girl,
and you've called her a million times,Copy !req
61. and she just won't return
your messages.Copy !req
62. My app allows you to send them
a text message and, whoo!Copy !req
63. Receive back their exact location.Copy !req
64. So there's nowhere to hide,
Jillian's sister. Nowhere.Copy !req
65. No, you cannot have her number.Copy !req
66. I'll find your sister.Copy !req
67. You're gonna end up in iJail
getting iRaped.Copy !req
68. And I'm gonna handle the iStock IPO!Copy !req
69. Yeah, yeah, yeah!Copy !req
70. - You don't even have a job.
- I got a business degree.Copy !req
71. Unlike Broke Nuts over here,
I have marketable skills.Copy !req
72. Unlike you, Broke Nuts has a job.Copy !req
73. I have nine interviews this week.Copy !req
74. Today, it's Morgan Stanley...Copy !req
75. And Great Pacific.Copy !req
76. I love you all.
Get your lives together.Copy !req
77. - Good luck, dude.
- Good luck.Copy !req
78. Uh, excuse me, ma'am.
Would you like to be my guest?Copy !req
79. Hi, have we met?
I'm Jillian.Copy !req
80. - God. Boo!
- Stop booing me, Charlie.Copy !req
81. Just one time.
Just smoke with me.Copy !req
82. Make an exception.
We're celebrating.Copy !req
83. - Charlie got a job today.
- McDonald's or Taco Bell?Copy !req
84. Middle school chemistry teacher.Copy !req
85. I weep for our future.Copy !req
86. Fuck me in the ass! Fuck me!Copy !req
87. Hey, Brian.Copy !req
88. Hey, Will.
Looking good, buddy.Copy !req
89. We don't have a job for you.Copy !req
90. - What do you mean?
- I mean, we don't have a job for you.Copy !req
91. We've downsized.Copy !req
92. Yeah, but I'm perfect for this job.Copy !req
93. I'm sorry, Will.
Thank you very much.Copy !req
94. Look, Brian, I got three Webisodes
all ready to upload...Copy !req
95. "Where to Find the Best Beef Machaca,"
"How to Bike the LA River,"Copy !req
96. and "Why Ultimate Frisbee
is More Complex Than Chess."Copy !req
97. You're not alone.
I had to let eight people go last week.Copy !req
98. Why didn't you tell me?Copy !req
99. Honestly, with everything going on
around here, I just...Copy !req
100. I forgot. Good.Copy !req
101. You forgot? I spent two summers
interning here for freeCopy !req
102. so that I could have a job waiting
for me after graduation, and you forgot.Copy !req
103. Look, I've already told everybody
about this job.Copy !req
104. I told my friends and my family and my
parents about this job, and you forgot!Copy !req
105. Well, guess what, Brian?
You can't do this kind of shit, man!Copy !req
106. I deserve to be treated
a little better than this.Copy !req
107. And I think you owe me
a little more than "I forgot."Copy !req
108. Will...Copy !req
109. Uh...Copy !req
110. I don't owe you shit.Copy !req
111. "Systems administrator"?
No.Copy !req
112. "Nuclear pipe technician"?Copy !req
113. No, you haven't laid
that much pipe, so...Copy !req
114. I've laid a lot of pipe, Charles.
Ask your mother.Copy !req
115. Sick burn.Copy !req
116. - "Unemployment benefits administrator."
- Yeah, dude, that one.Copy !req
117. That'd be ironic.Copy !req
118. It's not ironic if it's all the time.Copy !req
119. You know what's all the time?
Ball taps and kills.Copy !req
120. Dude, don't play dirty, man.
Don't play dirty.Copy !req
121. Oh, shit.Copy !req
122. Dude, I honestly have no idea
what any of this shit means.Copy !req
123. Well, you better figure it out soon.
The rent is due Friday.Copy !req
124. I know. I just need something to keep
the lights on until I find my dream job.Copy !req
125. I don't think you can
monetize masturbation.Copy !req
126. It was too good.Copy !req
127. Oh, here's something
in the hospitality industry.Copy !req
128. You don't have any sort
of medical degree.Copy !req
129. Okay, there's a gun in the drawer,
but you probably won't need it.Copy !req
130. All right.
Good night, kid.Copy !req
131. There are Negroes on this boat!Copy !req
132. - I'm sorry to hear that.Copy !req
133. You the new guy?Copy !req
134. - Uh, yeah, I am new.
- Skeezy D.Copy !req
135. - Will.Copy !req
136. Three rooms.
Keep the change.Copy !req
137. Girl, you better treat this man right.Copy !req
138. He was in Vietnam.Copy !req
139. Korea.Copy !req
140. Get in there and bust a nut,
Hawkeye Pierce!Copy !req
141. Hell, Cheryl's one of my best girls.Copy !req
142. - Hard worker?
- That pussy comes correct.Copy !req
143. - Where'd you meet her?
- Met her at my last gig.Copy !req
144. - Which... where was that?
- Borders.Copy !req
145. - Hmm?Copy !req
146. Borders...
Borders bookstore?Copy !req
147. Listen, man,
shit went sideways, okay?Copy !req
148. Everybody was out of work.
I had to get out of there real quick.Copy !req
149. So, why "Skeezy D"?Copy !req
150. Men who hire prostitutes
aren't paying them for sex, Will.Copy !req
151. They're paying for danger.Copy !req
152. They're paying to feel alive.Copy !req
153. Hey, motherfucker,
you better pay my bitch what you owe.Copy !req
154. They're paying
for a certain joie de vivre.Copy !req
155. Joie de vivre?Copy !req
156. That's French.Copy !req
157. I'm not resisting arrest.
Okay, I'm not resisting arrest.Copy !req
158. Okay, I'm not resisting arrest.
I'm not.Copy !req
159. I'm not. I'm not.Copy !req
160. Hey, bitch, we had a deal!Copy !req
161. You were renting out rooms to hookers?Copy !req
162. - Skeezy said they're here every...
- No, no.Copy !req
163. That's not the kind of establishment
I'm running here.Copy !req
164. Read the sign there, kid.
It says "No prostitution."Copy !req
165. That clearly includes hookers.Copy !req
166. You're fired.Copy !req
167. I'm sorry, Officer. I just got to be
a little more careful about who I hire.Copy !req
168. - You do that.
- Yeah. Will do. Will do.Copy !req
169. Thanks for everything you do, Officer.Copy !req
170. Sorry, kid.Copy !req
171. Shit rolls downhill.
You know what I'm saying?Copy !req
172. You get it. You get it.
You'll be all right.Copy !req
173. Son of a bitch!Copy !req
174. - Hey, Dad?
- Hmm?Copy !req
175. I gotta ask you for money.Copy !req
176. Will, you're a grown-up now.Copy !req
177. I'm not gonna give you
any more money.Copy !req
178. Dad, what am I supposed to do?
You want me to goCopy !req
179. - sell my body on the street?Copy !req
180. Enough of the life lessons here, man.
I am broke.Copy !req
181. I literally have no money
for anything.Copy !req
182. I lost my job.Copy !req
183. Are you serious?Copy !req
184. Afraid so.Copy !req
185. Well, what happened?Copy !req
186. Apparently, I was so successfulCopy !req
187. at streamlining
the beverage supply chainCopy !req
188. that I made my own job obsolete.
Hmm.Copy !req
189. So, what are you gonna do?Copy !req
190. I'm going to get a job!Copy !req
191. I'm gonna follow my ABC's,
stay positive,Copy !req
192. and in the interim, look!Copy !req
193. I can tackle all the chores
I never had time for.Copy !req
194. You guys gotta get your lives together.Copy !req
195. Top 1%, here I come, baby!Copy !req
196. Hey, this guy got a job.Copy !req
197. It's called Top Deck Securities.
I start clerking next month.Copy !req
198. If I kick ass,
I'll be making trades by December.Copy !req
199. From this point on, it's gonna be
coffee and cocaine for me, baby.Copy !req
200. - Whoo!
- Do you take change for dollars?Copy !req
201. No, no. Keep it.
You worked hard.Copy !req
202. You've got an incredible
amount of torque.Copy !req
203. You deserve so much more money
than this,Copy !req
204. but I'm on a teacher's salary.Copy !req
205. Hey.Copy !req
206. Hey!Copy !req
207. If you want to see the show,
you gotta pay for it.Copy !req
208. No, I'm just here for the free buffet.Copy !req
209. The buffet is free 'cause you're
supposed to be spending money on me.Copy !req
210. I guess I found a loophole.Copy !req
211. - Your friend's got an attitude.
- He's out of work.Copy !req
212. So buy him a lap dance
to cheer him up.Copy !req
213. - Ooh.Copy !req
214. - Yeah.
- I'd like to get to know you sometime.Copy !req
215. - Don't get her pregnant.
- Oh, hey, look.Copy !req
216. - I have a girlfriend.
- Yo, Will!Copy !req
217. - So, you're looking for a job?
- Yeah.Copy !req
218. What would you do if you won the lottery
and never had to work again?Copy !req
219. - I don't know.
- What's your passion?Copy !req
220. What do you love to do?Copy !req
221. I like to make funny YouTube videos.Copy !req
222. Oh, if you like making YouTube videos,Copy !req
223. why aren't you looking
for corporate video work?Copy !req
224. Corporate?
Yeah, I don't do corporate.Copy !req
225. Listen, babe.Copy !req
226. When you're first starting out,
you gotta stay flexible.Copy !req
227. - Do you know what we do here, Hamilton?
- Trade stocks.Copy !req
228. Wrong. We make money.Copy !req
229. This is Hamilton.
He is clerking for us.Copy !req
230. I had to shit-can
that other douchebagCopy !req
231. because, well, I couldn't stand
looking at his face anymore.Copy !req
232. - Put all your orders in through him.
- Wait, I get to put in orders?Copy !req
233. - More than you can imagine.
- Hell, yeah.Copy !req
234. Go across the street,
get me three triple espressos.Copy !req
235. Put three sugars in each one.
None of that Splenda shit.Copy !req
236. - I want the real thing.
- Go to Fatburger.Copy !req
237. Get me 12 double XLs
with extra cheese,Copy !req
238. 12 chili-cheese fat fries,
nine milk shakes.Copy !req
239. Hey, go to 7-Eleven. Pick me up
25 Black Cherry lottery tickets.Copy !req
240. Fifteen grand top prize.
You scratch them off.Copy !req
241. Start from the bottom.
Odd numbers first.Copy !req
242. - Go! Go, go, go...
- Still here? Still here?Copy !req
243. And I better fucking win!Copy !req
244. What are you doing?Copy !req
245. - I need a sexy video of you.
- Yeah, I don't think so.Copy !req
246. I made an appointment
to donate sperm. What?Copy !req
247. Your best idea for making rent
is masturbating into a cup?Copy !req
248. I'm an accomplished masturbator.Copy !req
249. Will, I don't know
what's going on with you.Copy !req
250. At school, you always had
a million different things going on.Copy !req
251. Your energy was contagious.
It's what I loved about you.Copy !req
252. And right now, it feels like you're just
flailing around, making it up as you go.Copy !req
253. I saw a job counselor last week.Copy !req
254. Really? A job counselor?Copy !req
255. And she was all over me about
forming a strategy, and just really...Copy !req
256. She rode me to stay flexible,Copy !req
257. and so we decided to focus
on corporate video work.Copy !req
258. I sent out my résumé.
I should start interviewing next week.Copy !req
259. Come here.Copy !req
260. Do you remember Ultimate Frisbee?
Not the districts, the regionals.Copy !req
261. I made that 50-yard huck to Sullivan.
It was an awesome pass.Copy !req
262. - I don't know what we're talking about.
- What I'm saying is, don't worry.Copy !req
263. I'm at my best when my back
is against the wall.Copy !req
264. This isn't college, Will.Copy !req
265. Please, I need you to step up.Copy !req
266. Thirty years, one company.
Wow!Copy !req
267. An employer sees this,
and they see a dinosaur.Copy !req
268. Well, I can't say that
I agree with you there, Fernando.Copy !req
269. - Fernando. Fernando.
- It's Fernando?Copy !req
270. You should do whatever you can
to look younger.Copy !req
271. For starters, lose the beard.Copy !req
272. An image consult is included
with the Platinum Package.Copy !req
273. We'll give you a workstation,
some place to go every morning.Copy !req
274. And we will produce a video résumé
that will set you above the rabble.Copy !req
275. But all of that is just preparation
for the main event.Copy !req
276. Wilheimer has an 85%
placement rate, Mr. Davis.Copy !req
277. - Wow!
- How do you think we make that number?Copy !req
278. - Well, I...
- That's a rhetorical question.Copy !req
279. While everyone else is out there
wasting their time,Copy !req
280. meeting mid-level HR hacks,Copy !req
281. Wilheimer will be putting you
in front of the personCopy !req
282. who can pull the trigger
and actually hire you.Copy !req
283. - The decision maker?
- The decision maker.Copy !req
284. - That's right. Well...
- I like it.Copy !req
285. Bottom line, how much
are we talking here?Copy !req
286. Oh, the Platinum Package
is a one-time fee of $30,000.Copy !req
287. No, seriously,
how much are we talking?Copy !req
288. Hey, there!Copy !req
289. - Tough day?
- What?Copy !req
290. No.Copy !req
291. No, no, no.Copy !req
292. A tough day is just
an unrealized great day.Copy !req
293. Well, then, I'm gonna hook you up
with some Rockin' Moroccan.Copy !req
294. - It's like legal hash.
- Oh.Copy !req
295. I'm Cammy.
What's your name?Copy !req
296. - Roger.
- Roger that.Copy !req
297. Oh, to go, please.Copy !req
298. Hello?Copy !req
299. Oh, hey, honey.
How are you?Copy !req
300. I'm at the office.Copy !req
301. Oh, that music?
Yeah, well, I...Copy !req
302. That's, uh...Copy !req
303. You know Jerry.
He's just trying to jazz up his...Copy !req
304. I should get back
to that meeting, honey.Copy !req
305. I'll see you in a few hours, okay?Copy !req
306. I love you too. Bye.Copy !req
307. Uh...Copy !req
308. That was my wife.Copy !req
309. Well, look, we have free Wi-Fi
and three-prong outlets out the wazoo.Copy !req
310. So...Copy !req
311. And, uh... don't worry, Rog.Copy !req
312. No one here has a job.Copy !req
313. Thank you.Copy !req
314. You children may begin.Copy !req
315. Now, the goal of this experiment
is to create an even coating,Copy !req
316. no excess charring,
and no cold spots.Copy !req
317. I mean it, Dayjon.Copy !req
318. And remember, don't stare in the flame
for too long, because it will...Copy !req
319. steal your soul.Copy !req
320. Let me see that. Yeah.Copy !req
321. Mm.Copy !req
322. That is close to perfection.Copy !req
323. - Mr. Baxter?
- Stop calling me that!Copy !req
324. It's Charlie, okay?Copy !req
325. Okay, Charlie.Copy !req
326. Why do all of our experiments
involve making food?Copy !req
327. I get the munchies after free period.Copy !req
328. - Any more questions, Sergeant Buzzkill?
- No.Copy !req
329. - Mr. Baxter?
- It's Charlie!Copy !req
330. My sixth grade basketball coach
just quit.Copy !req
331. You interested in the position?Copy !req
332. I'm sorry, do I look like someone
with free time on his hands?Copy !req
333. It's an extra $100 a week.Copy !req
334. They will prosper under my tutelage.Copy !req
335. Tanya Sellers, Human Resources.Copy !req
336. Sorry it took me so long
to get back to you.Copy !req
337. We received close to 1,000 résumés
for the videographer position.Copy !req
338. - I was just glad that you called.
- Oh.Copy !req
339. Katherine Dunn oversees
our video services,Copy !req
340. but she's in China
on a leadership conference,Copy !req
341. so you get a nonstop flight
to the decision maker himself,Copy !req
342. Lawrence Wilheimer.Copy !req
343. He's a legend in executive placement.
He revolutionized the game.Copy !req
344. - Make sure you check out his package.
- His retirement package?Copy !req
345. His package-package.
He's hung like a fucking minotaur.Copy !req
346. Fat.Copy !req
347. - William Davis.
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
348. "Vast experience in all aspects
of video production."Copy !req
349. Could you elaborate on that?Copy !req
350. Well, sir, for the past seven years,Copy !req
351. I've been producing
original video content for YouTube.Copy !req
352. - YouTube?
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
353. I think YouTube is the perfect training
ground for producing video résumésCopy !req
354. that really stand out from the crowd.Copy !req
355. And clients of Southern California's
premiere executive placement firmCopy !req
356. deserve those kind of résumés.Copy !req
357. Ones that grab the employer's attention,
don't let go.Copy !req
358. Even if they say "uncle."Copy !req
359. So, hire William Davis,
and your clients will...Copy !req
360. Hire William Davis,
and your clients will rise aboveCopy !req
361. - the rest of the...Copy !req
362. I'm so sorry about that.
Uh, hire William Davis,Copy !req
363. and your clients will rise above and...Copy !req
364. - That's what you want, right?Copy !req
365. My girlfriend and I are having a fight.
Do you mind if I...Copy !req
366. What could be more important?Copy !req
367. Thank you, sir.
That's what I'm saying.Copy !req
368. And send.Copy !req
369. So, where were we?Copy !req
370. I was showing you the door,
Mr. Davis.Copy !req
371. That's it over there.Copy !req
372. Okay.
Uh... thank you.Copy !req
373. Uh, look, sir...
I mean, I don't think...Copy !req
374. I don't know if this is the exact
subject matter that you're looking for,Copy !req
375. but I think that this really
showcases my abilitiesCopy !req
376. to recognize what's unique
about an individualCopy !req
377. and how to foreground that
for the marketplace.Copy !req
378. What is your business philosophy?Copy !req
379. It is all about customer satisfaction.Copy !req
380. We are basically
the Burlington Coat Factory of bitches.Copy !req
381. I got bitches on layaway,
you know what I'm saying?Copy !req
382. For $599,
you can mark down a bitch.Copy !req
383. All right, hey, just, you know,
be careful with it, man.Copy !req
384. I really
don't like these guys.Copy !req
385. Watch your fingerprints.
Are you serious?Copy !req
386. That's a big-boy TV.
Come on, man.Copy !req
387. - Use an HDMI cord. Don't use...
- Thanks, bro.Copy !req
388. - Take care of my TV, bro.Copy !req
389. - Yeah, this is Will.
- Will, Tanya, from Wilheimer.Copy !req
390. - Are you calling about my interview?
- Sure am.Copy !req
391. - Mr. Wilheimer pressing charges?
- You're in, player!Copy !req
392. - What?
- You're in.Copy !req
393. Starting salary is $26,000, partial
health benefits kick in after 90 days.Copy !req
394. Wait, are you saying
that I have a job?Copy !req
395. - That's what I'm saying.
- Oh, yo! Wait, wait, wait!Copy !req
396. Hello, you got good news.Copy !req
397. Tell Will he gets the job
as soon as he passes a drug test.Copy !req
398. Drug test?
Is it multiple choice?Copy !req
399. - Will.
- Hey, what's up, Dad?Copy !req
400. What's going on?Copy !req
401. I got a job.Copy !req
402. Hey!Copy !req
403. - That's great!
- I know.Copy !req
404. It's at this place called Wilheimer.
They do job placement.Copy !req
405. Oh, yeah.
I've heard good things.Copy !req
406. I just need one thing...Copy !req
407. and I'm good to go.Copy !req
408. - You're smoking pot?
- I'm an occasional user!Copy !req
409. I never smoke and drive!Copy !req
410. And you want me to urinate into this
bottle so that you can pass a drug test?Copy !req
411. Goddamn it!Copy !req
412. Dad, look,
there's no one else I can ask.Copy !req
413. I'm hanging by
a thread with Jillian, plusCopy !req
414. they might be
able to screen for gender.Copy !req
415. Ethan is tainted, Luke is unclean,
and Charlie's radioactive.Copy !req
416. What am I supposed to do?Copy !req
417. Get new friends!Copy !req
418. I have a job.Copy !req
419. I've a real job for a real company.Copy !req
420. The kind of job that you've
been bugging me to get for years.Copy !req
421. And if I don't produce
an immaculate cup of urine...Copy !req
422. - Shh!
- It's back to the unemployment line.Copy !req
423. - Is that what you want?
- No, it's not what I want.Copy !req
424. You know that. I just don't
feel comfortable doing this.Copy !req
425. Okay.Copy !req
426. Air conditioning, so...Copy !req
427. - No.
- It was 100 degrees in that warehouse,Copy !req
428. and you did whatever it took
to get off the floor.Copy !req
429. And that's what I'm doing.
That's what I'm doing.Copy !req
430. I'm doing what you told me.Copy !req
431. What happened to you?Copy !req
432. Hey, I just pulled a hammy.Copy !req
433. - Pounding box?
- What?Copy !req
434. Pounding box?
Putting it in that pussy.Copy !req
435. Giving it to her. Yeah.Copy !req
436. No, I was hitting the gym.Copy !req
437. - Hitting those weights.
- All right.Copy !req
438. - Ready to make it rain?
- Ready as I'll ever be.Copy !req
439. What are you doing?Copy !req
440. I'm required to be in here,
in case you try some monkey business.Copy !req
441. Okay. Are you gonna
come in the stall with me too?Copy !req
442. No stall, baby doll.
You gotta rock out with that cock out.Copy !req
443. I'll just be right behind here,
listening close.Copy !req
444. Okay, I kind of have a shy bladder.Copy !req
445. Oh, that's too bad,
because you have 30 seconds.Copy !req
446. Starting now!Copy !req
447. If you're having trouble,
just think of waterfalls!Copy !req
448. Or, like, fire hoses just
blasting water out.Copy !req
449. 22, 21...Copy !req
450. Think of, like, things gushing!Copy !req
451. Or, like, squirting.Copy !req
452. 18, 17...Copy !req
453. You know, I'm a squirter, but only if
I'm, like, comfortable with a person.Copy !req
454. Ten, nine, eight,Copy !req
455. seven, six, five...Copy !req
456. All right, that's enough!
I'm coming in!Copy !req
457. Oh.Copy !req
458. Got it!Copy !req
459. Hi-ho, Silver.
Brrr!Copy !req
460. - Oh! Wow!Copy !req
461. Whew!Copy !req
462. Oh, my God.
Oh, shit. Whew!Copy !req
463. Man, I should get a job more often.Copy !req
464. - Fuck, yeah!
- Fuck, yeah! That was awesome.Copy !req
465. I have something else for you.Copy !req
466. - Back door?
- Ha!Copy !req
467. - Yeah, I'll go get my strap-on.
- Okay.Copy !req
468. You love it!Copy !req
469. What is this?Copy !req
470. - Oh.
- Can I see it?Copy !req
471. Yeah, yeah. Of course.Copy !req
472. Oh, baby.Copy !req
473. My unique skill set allows me
to seamlessly integrateCopy !req
474. into a range of management structures,Copy !req
475. which makes me highly employable
in today's marketplace.Copy !req
476. Uh, mainly I've found that dealing
with people is my best skill.Copy !req
477. Um, I have a lot of charisma.Copy !req
478. An ordinary man takes everything
as a blessing or a curse.Copy !req
479. A warrior takes it as a challenge.Copy !req
480. Um... who are you?Copy !req
481. Exciting stuff.Copy !req
482. Yeah, it's riveting.Copy !req
483. Just follow the boilerplate,
and you'll be fine.Copy !req
484. Clients choose from three backgrounds.
Skyline.Copy !req
485. There's also Corner Office
and Bookshelf.Copy !req
486. Corner Office and Bookshelf.
Got it.Copy !req
487. I made a video in here once.Copy !req
488. And I'm not the only one.Copy !req
489. Okay, thank you.
Thank you.Copy !req
490. Oh, Mr. Wilheimer, I wanted
to thank you for this opportunity.Copy !req
491. Oh, well, always on the lookout
for fresh talent, Will.Copy !req
492. Just one thing.Copy !req
493. Could you put me in touch
with that fellow from your video?Copy !req
494. The... mm.Copy !req
495. Yes, sir.
In six months to a year.Copy !req
496. Depending on good behavior.Copy !req
497. What the fuck?
What the fuck!Copy !req
498. How is it possible to be this bad?Copy !req
499. Ball.Copy !req
500. Okay.Copy !req
501. Kwan, let's review the basics.Copy !req
502. - Give and go!
- Ow!Copy !req
503. Jesus Christ.Copy !req
504. Big Stuff, anyone ever show you
how to set a pick?Copy !req
505. No.Copy !req
506. Get ready to bring some pain.Copy !req
507. Hamilton!Copy !req
508. Come here!Copy !req
509. This is deer scent.Copy !req
510. I use it out in the wild when I hunt.Copy !req
511. I use it in here,Copy !req
512. when I think a clerk
is ready for his very own desk.Copy !req
513. Drink it.Copy !req
514. Hold it!Copy !req
515. I'm gonna go ahead and let him
make up his own mind.Copy !req
516. Do you want your own desk?Copy !req
517. Or do you want to be a fucking clerk
the rest of your life?Copy !req
518. Your call.Copy !req
519. Two-to-one he drinks the deer cum.Copy !req
520. Deer cum?Copy !req
521. Drink it.
Drink the deer cum.Copy !req
522. Deer cum.Copy !req
523. Deer cum!
Deer cum! Deer cum!Copy !req
524. Uh-oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I think it's coming back up.Copy !req
525. 500 bucks says he gonna hurl.Copy !req
526. Breathe.Copy !req
527. You like that nutty taste in your
mouth?Copy !req
528. - Oh, that's Bambi batter.Copy !req
529. Give it to me.Copy !req
530. - Roll it around.Copy !req
531. - Oh!Copy !req
532. Awesome!Copy !req
533. Did you see the arc on that?Copy !req
534. You're my bitch.Copy !req
535. Hey, guys, you're gonna want
to pause the game for this.Copy !req
536. - Ethan, what are you doing, man?
- Come on, man!Copy !req
537. It's a game of Halo!
Relax, I've got something to show you.Copy !req
538. - Wait!
- Come on, move.Copy !req
539. - Whoa!
- ♪ Bong, bong, bong, bongCopy !req
540. Oh, my God!Copy !req
541. Dude, I found some extra tubing
in my chem class.Copy !req
542. I put my little boys and girls to work.Copy !req
543. - Nice!
- What's the special occasion?Copy !req
544. Yeah, we're celebrating me
getting a desk.Copy !req
545. - Oh, that's right.
- And me buying an island.Copy !req
546. - You're not buying an island.
- No?Copy !req
547. Because I met someone who knows
Warren Buffett's bridge partner.Copy !req
548. I'm gonna offer him some stock
from my companyCopy !req
549. in exchange for Warren Buffett's
cell phone number.Copy !req
550. I'm gonna iSearchU Warren Buffett,
pitch him my app,Copy !req
551. gain access to billions of dollars
in venture capital,Copy !req
552. buy my island,
and populate it with porn stars.Copy !req
553. I'm sorry I doubted you.Copy !req
554. - No, you didn't know the plan.
- I didn't know the plan.Copy !req
555. Rick. What's up, man?Copy !req
556. Oh, Will, this is Katherine Dunn,
Vice President of our Client Services.Copy !req
557. It's good to have you back.
Get ready to have your mind blown.Copy !req
558. Because I'm taking video résumés
to the next level.Copy !req
559. Okay? Ready for this?Copy !req
560. People think accountants are a bunch
of number-crunching nerds,Copy !req
561. but I'm a jazz buff.Copy !req
562. I like to think of the tax code
as my instrument.Copy !req
563. I'm Tom Wilson,
at tomwilsonaccountant.com.Copy !req
564. That was quite impactful.Copy !req
565. So, what do we think?Copy !req
566. I think it makes him seem youthful.Copy !req
567. Yeah, until now,
I always thought of Tom as a total dud.Copy !req
568. This is an executive placement firm,
Mr. Davis,Copy !req
569. not MTV.Copy !req
570. Yeah, nobody's going to hire this guy
because of his personality.Copy !req
571. Yeah, he needs to look professional.Copy !req
572. Everyone's always loved
the old résumés, so...Copy !req
573. You seem to have mistaken this videoCopy !req
574. as an opportunity
to express yourself, Mr. Davis.Copy !req
575. From now on, you will follow
the guidebook to the letter.Copy !req
576. Yeah, I found the guidebook
to be kind of limiting.Copy !req
577. I wrote the guidebook, Mr. Davis.Copy !req
578. And while I have you here,Copy !req
579. there are some issues of comportment
that apparently need clarification.Copy !req
580. You will maintain
a professional appearance.Copy !req
581. That means a suit and a tie.Copy !req
582. It does not mean sneakers.Copy !req
583. It does not mean khakis.Copy !req
584. It does not mean that unwashed rag
you call a T-shirt.Copy !req
585. Got it.Copy !req
586. "Got it"?Copy !req
587. Understood?Copy !req
588. And while I was away,Copy !req
589. I was a recipient of several
of your reply-all e-mails.Copy !req
590. They were inappropriate, offensive,Copy !req
591. and most of all, not funny.Copy !req
592. Nobody wants a birthday spanking
from you, Mr. Davis.Copy !req
593. And finally, I took a look
at your Facebook pageCopy !req
594. and was confronted
with this sordid image.Copy !req
595. I was there for the buffet.Copy !req
596. You are an employee
of this company, Mr. Davis.Copy !req
597. Your behavior must conform
to the exacting standardsCopy !req
598. of the Wilheimer
Executive Placement Firm.Copy !req
599. - Is that understood?
- Understood.Copy !req
600. - Understood?
- Understood.Copy !req
601. Hi, Pearl. Roger Davis.Copy !req
602. Is Mr. Gentry in?Copy !req
603. He's not? Okay.Copy !req
604. Do you know if he's had a chance
to look at my résumé yet?Copy !req
605. Regional Distribution Manager,
Scanner and Disk Duplicator Division?Copy !req
606. No. Okay.
Um...Copy !req
607. Do you know if he received the package
of Rockin' Moroccan coffee that...Copy !req
608. Oh, hello?
Okay, why don't you hang up first?Copy !req
609. - Hey!
- Hey.Copy !req
610. Hi, buddy!Copy !req
611. Come on into my office here.Copy !req
612. Cammy, come on over.Copy !req
613. This is Will.
Will, this is my friend, Cammy.Copy !req
614. Hey, Will.
How's the job working out?Copy !req
615. - Uh, it's good.
- Good.Copy !req
616. Dad, what did you do to your beard?Copy !req
617. Well, I lost two jobs in a week
to people in their 30s.Copy !req
618. So Cammy volunteered
to make me look ten years younger.Copy !req
619. Gothic Raven.
What do you think? Hmm?Copy !req
620. Yeah.Copy !req
621. Cammy, are you helping him out
with his Twitter feed, too?Copy !req
622. Oh, Rog doesn't need any help.Copy !req
623. Yeah? I think Rog needs
a little bit of help.Copy !req
624. "My friend Jim lost his mother
yesterday. LOL, Jim."Copy !req
625. What? "Lots of love."Copy !req
626. It's okay.
You want another one, Rog?Copy !req
627. Keep them coming.
Oh, one for Will, too, please.Copy !req
628. - Oh, yeah.
- I'm okay, whoever you are.Copy !req
629. So, what's up?Copy !req
630. Well, my supervisor's back from leave,
and she is a total ballbuster.Copy !req
631. I mean, she was on my ass
about my e-mails,Copy !req
632. and my Facebook page,
and how I dress in front of everybody.Copy !req
633. It was humiliating.Copy !req
634. Wait, this isn't how you dress
at work, is it?Copy !req
635. Dad, I'm the video guy.
Who cares what I look like?Copy !req
636. Look, just stop, okay?
Stop for a second.Copy !req
637. Your clients pay $30,000
for your services.Copy !req
638. They care what you look like.Copy !req
639. You need to conform to their standards,
not the other way around.Copy !req
640. And the fact that you can't grasp that
is mind-boggling!Copy !req
641. What is up with you?Copy !req
642. What is up with me is,
I've sent out hundreds of résumés,Copy !req
643. and I've gotten only three interviews.Copy !req
644. What is up with me is,
I don't want to hear you bitch and moanCopy !req
645. that your employer makes you act
in a professional manner.Copy !req
646. That is what's up with me.Copy !req
647. Okay, Dad, well, look,
I'm sorry for telling you how I feel.Copy !req
648. I didn't know just because
I have a jobCopy !req
649. and you don't that
you wouldn't listen to me.Copy !req
650. Oh, I'm listening, all right,
but all I hear is a spoiled little brat!Copy !req
651. Okay.Copy !req
652. You look like Billy Mays.Copy !req
653. - I look like Willie Mays?
- You look like Billy Mays!Copy !req
654. Who's Billy Mays?Copy !req
655. If you're gonna tell someone off,
make it clear!Copy !req
656. What do you think?Copy !req
657. Hot. Very, very hot.Copy !req
658. They're Prada.Copy !req
659. They were $779.Copy !req
660. I know. I just...Copy !req
661. I just want them
to take me seriously at work.Copy !req
662. Everybody takes you seriously.Copy !req
663. - They do?
- Yes, they do.Copy !req
664. Sophomore year.Copy !req
665. We're running Ultimate Frisbee drills
down in the lounge.Copy !req
666. Ethan comes in and says
that there's a situationCopy !req
667. - that I need to handle downstairs.
- Mm.Copy !req
668. So, I go downstairs,
and I see this tiny little personCopy !req
669. in pajamas and slippers,Copy !req
670. and she is so, so angry.Copy !req
671. Um, I was trying to study.Copy !req
672. The moment that I saw you, I knew that
you were someone to take seriously.Copy !req
673. What are you gonna do
about work, Will?Copy !req
674. Have a nice day, boys!Copy !req
675. Hey!
Ooh, it's coming down.Copy !req
676. - Look at you.
- Yeah, right?Copy !req
677. Look at you.Copy !req
678. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
679. - Yeah, looks good.
- Well... Thanks.Copy !req
680. - So, is anything good here?
- Oh, everything's good here.Copy !req
681. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
682. Can I get two pork and bean burritos,Copy !req
683. four beef machacas,
and two beers?Copy !req
684. - Hey, what are you doing?
- I'm paying for our...Copy !req
685. No, you're not.
Tonight's on me.Copy !req
686. Hmm.Copy !req
687. Mm. Oh, man.Copy !req
688. This is my first machaca.
It's great.Copy !req
689. - Hey, Dad.
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
690. I'm sorry about last week.Copy !req
691. Yeah, me too.Copy !req
692. Could we get some beer, please?
Two tequila shots.Copy !req
693. Let's get hammered.Copy !req
694. Cheers.Copy !req
695. Drink up.Copy !req
696. - Fuck. Yeah, it's all right.
- See?Copy !req
697. All right, Dad.
You know why we're doing this?Copy !req
698. - Why?
- We're doing thisCopy !req
699. so that what's-his-name...Copy !req
700. - Your...
- Oh, my guy?Copy !req
701. James Gentry.
The decision maker.Copy !req
702. Right. So James Gentry
can find out who you are.Copy !req
703. Yeah.
Who am I?Copy !req
704. You're a great man.Copy !req
705. You supported me my whole life, Dad.
Let me repay the favor, please.Copy !req
706. Okay.Copy !req
707. - Okay. Ready?
- Okay.Copy !req
708. - Do this again, that makes me know.
- Yeah, okay.Copy !req
709. - Let's press record.Copy !req
710. - Go.
- My name is Roger Davis.Copy !req
711. - I'm very punctual, and faithful...Copy !req
712. Oh, God!
I'm so terrible at this.Copy !req
713. God!Copy !req
714. I need to do something productive.Copy !req
715. Something worthwhile.Copy !req
716. Really all it's about.Copy !req
717. Do you know, work has always
been more important to meCopy !req
718. than anyone else I know?Copy !req
719. It just has.
I love it. I love it.Copy !req
720. I just need to get into
the employer and see them.Copy !req
721. Do you know?
One-on-one.Copy !req
722. And if they can just
somehow get to know me,Copy !req
723. just even a little bit,Copy !req
724. then they would know
why they should hire me.Copy !req
725. That is the goal.
That's the goal.Copy !req
726. So, anyway, I'm sorry.
I'm blabbering on.Copy !req
727. All right, we need to do this.Copy !req
728. - All right.
- No, we're good.Copy !req
729. No, I'll try it,
I'll try it.Copy !req
730. Dad, another time.Copy !req
731. All right.Copy !req
732. If I drink anymore of this,
this is not going to go well.Copy !req
733. - Well, we got six more to go.
- Whoa!Copy !req
734. Yeah!Copy !req
735. - You did that on purpose, didn't you?
- Whoo!Copy !req
736. - Absolutely!
- You did!Copy !req
737. You did, too.Copy !req
738. - Good afternoon, Mr. Buffett.
- Oh, jeez!Copy !req
739. I am sure you're wondering
how I knew that you were in town.Copy !req
740. Because you read it
in the LA Times?Copy !req
741. Damn it!Copy !req
742. Actually, through the use
of GPS triangulation,Copy !req
743. my app, the iSearchU,Copy !req
744. allowed me to send you a text messageCopy !req
745. and receive back your exact location,Copy !req
746. right down to this stall.
It's incredible!Copy !req
747. You know Foursquare
does that already, right?Copy !req
748. No, no, no.
You don't get it.Copy !req
749. Foursquare lets you
tell other people where you are.Copy !req
750. My app tells me where you are
even if you don't want me to know.Copy !req
751. It's a game changer, sir, okay?Copy !req
752. I'm telling you,
if you say yes right now,Copy !req
753. I can promise you
50-50 in my company.Copy !req
754. 60-40.Copy !req
755. You drive a hard bargain, sir.Copy !req
756. 65-35, last offer.Copy !req
757. You know...
I like it.Copy !req
758. You do?Copy !req
759. Let me text my people.Copy !req
760. Oh, my God!
I knew that you would like it.Copy !req
761. You're the Oracle of Omaha.
You are a visionary like me, sir.Copy !req
762. This is incredible.Copy !req
763. What the fuck is this?Copy !req
764. What the fuck? Hey!Copy !req
765. Oh! Hey!Copy !req
766. Who has security guards
when they take shits?Copy !req
767. What the fuck
is wrong with you, Buffett?Copy !req
768. You can't hide
from the iStalkU!Copy !req
769. Buffett!Copy !req
770. Double-shot white chocolate mocha
with extra cream.Copy !req
771. Where are we
on the Fredericks video?Copy !req
772. - On schedule for tomorrow afternoon.
- Hmm.Copy !req
773. I was hoping for some personal time
tomorrow afternoon.Copy !req
774. Say no more.Copy !req
775. I will stay late tonight and get it
to you first thing in the morning.Copy !req
776. - Uh... Will?
- Mm-hmm?Copy !req
777. There are going to be
some changes around here.Copy !req
778. - Changes?
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
779. I'm taking Wilheimer
into the 21st century.Copy !req
780. There will be a new position created,Copy !req
781. Vice President
of Corporate Communications.Copy !req
782. You keep up the good work,
that Vice President is you.Copy !req
783. - Hey, Fernando.
- Fernando.Copy !req
784. - Sorry?
- Fernando.Copy !req
785. Fernando, right.
Tanya said that I should talk to you.Copy !req
786. About what?Copy !req
787. I have some extra work
that I'm doing tonight,Copy !req
788. and I just need a little help.Copy !req
789. - You want me to do your work for you?
- No, no, no.Copy !req
790. What I'm saying is that she said
that I should talk to you.Copy !req
791. About, you know...Copy !req
792. I have ADD.Copy !req
793. You know there's
two Fernandos in this office?Copy !req
794. Fernando Little,
Director of Client Services,Copy !req
795. Division Sales Leader,
three years running.Copy !req
796. And Fernando, the janitor.Copy !req
797. Mi madre, she's a psychiatrist.Copy !req
798. So, I can hook you up
with whatever you need.Copy !req
799. Those are drugs.Copy !req
800. Saw you last night.Copy !req
801. With tu papa.Copy !req
802. You're not gonna tell anyone,
are you?Copy !req
803. Wasn't close to mi papa.Copy !req
804. Your words...Copy !req
805. They moved me.Copy !req
806. I will take it to the grave.Copy !req
807. Now, someone with extra work...Copy !req
808. - may I recommend...
- Dexedrine?Copy !req
809. Sexy Dexy.Copy !req
810. He's an attorney.
And I worked at his legal practice,Copy !req
811. as an intern...Copy !req
812. Mainly I found that dealing
with people was my best skill.Copy !req
813. So, he would have me deliver...Copy !req
814. We started out
delivering packages...Copy !req
815. And then ultimately...Copy !req
816. I have a lot of charisma.Copy !req
817. My unique...
I can be...Copy !req
818. makes me highly...Copy !req
819. highly employable
in today's marketplace.Copy !req
820. I'm Lawrence Wilheimer
and I'm old!Copy !req
821. And I don't understand technology
because I'm so old.Copy !req
822. So I have Will
clear my browser history every day!Copy !req
823. Oh, my God!Copy !req
824. - Who's the decision maker?
- You are.Copy !req
825. - You... You're... You are...
- That's good.Copy !req
826. - Will Davis.
- Dude!Copy !req
827. - You're viral!
- What?Copy !req
828. Your Skeezy video has over
114,000 hits on YouTube!Copy !req
829. - YouTube?
- Yeah, YouTube.Copy !req
830. YouTube? YouTube?Copy !req
831. It's fucking YouTube.
Am I saying this wrong?Copy !req
832. - Yeah, that's YouTube.
- That's YouTube, right?Copy !req
833. - Yeah, that's...
- Yeah, let him know.Copy !req
834. It's YouTube, Will!Copy !req
835. Well, I structured my businessCopy !req
836. around the same eco-friendly model
as Ben and Jerry's.Copy !req
837. You know what I'm sayin'?Copy !req
838. Bitches going to go for
the pimp with best work environment.Copy !req
839. That's why we got free STD testing,
free condoms...Copy !req
840. I'm viral! Yes!
Oh... oh, shit!Copy !req
841. And even a dental plan.Copy !req
842. You can't be having
no toothless bitches!Copy !req
843. How much you know about us
as a company, Will?Copy !req
844. Uh, absolutely nothing.Copy !req
845. Join the club, brother.
We will fix that.Copy !req
846. - Sweat Body Spray?
- Yeah.Copy !req
847. When kids put that on,Copy !req
848. I want them to know
they're sending a message.Copy !req
849. - Guess what the message is?
- "I'm cool."Copy !req
850. No, the message is,
"I'm down to fuck."Copy !req
851. - Oh! Okay.
- Or be fucked.Copy !req
852. Uh, hey, Lon. I still don't know
why I'm here exactly.Copy !req
853. Why you're here?
I'll tell you why you're here.Copy !req
854. You're here because I want youCopy !req
855. to head up
our Internet and viral marketing.Copy !req
856. You're offering me a job?Copy !req
857. I saw the Skeezy D video,Copy !req
858. and it blew my fucking mind inside out!Copy !req
859. I'm up all night.
I can't sleepCopy !req
860. because I'm watching this video
over and over and over again,Copy !req
861. screaming at the TV,
"Just tell me what you want me to buy!"Copy !req
862. Yeah. Ooh, spank that monkey.Copy !req
863. Spank, spank that monkey, yeah.Copy !req
864. That's my niece.Copy !req
865. All right, so what kind of salary
are we talking?Copy !req
866. Mm, okay.
I can offer you 22.Copy !req
867. Ooh, that's not a lot.Copy !req
868. Will...Copy !req
869. We're marketing to kids that were doing
triple irony in kindergarten.Copy !req
870. And you...Copy !req
871. You are so fucking ironic,Copy !req
872. you've gone all the way around
the track, back to authentic.Copy !req
873. You're irontic, man.
You're irontic!Copy !req
874. "Irontic"?Copy !req
875. - Ding-dong! Going down.
- What are you doing?Copy !req
876. Will, if you told me to take
our entire marketing budgetCopy !req
877. and blow it
on a billboard with nothingCopy !req
878. but pictures of fat,
veiny cocks, I'd do it!Copy !req
879. I'll do whatever you say!Copy !req
880. Tell me what to do, man.
Tell me what to do!Copy !req
881. - Guess who's awesome?Copy !req
882. I am. Will is awesome.
I did it.Copy !req
883. I stepped up, babe.
I did exactly...Copy !req
884. There you are. I did exactly
what you told me to do.Copy !req
885. I stepped up big time.
And I got great news for us.Copy !req
886. - I got fired.
- What?Copy !req
887. I got fired today.Copy !req
888. They called me in
to Human Resources,Copy !req
889. and I thought I was getting promoted.
That's how stupid I am.Copy !req
890. You're not stupid.Copy !req
891. Yeah, I am.Copy !req
892. I'm $90,000 in debt.Copy !req
893. And I spent $779
on a pair of shoes!Copy !req
894. - It's going to be okay.Copy !req
895. No, it's not.
How is this going to be okay?Copy !req
896. Because you're gonna...
You're gonna get another job.Copy !req
897. I'm sorry, Will...Copy !req
898. What are you...
What are we celebrating?Copy !req
899. Katherine is gonna
put me up for a promotion.Copy !req
900. That's great!
That's great.Copy !req
901. At least one of us has a career, right?Copy !req
902. Come here.Copy !req
903. That's great.Copy !req
904. What am I going to do for rent?Copy !req
905. Hey, roomie!Copy !req
906. FYI, we leave porn laying around,
so just, like, embrace it.Copy !req
907. The week started out bad.Copy !req
908. My severance ran out.
The mortgage was due.Copy !req
909. I pillaged my 401 (k).
I was spiraling.Copy !req
910. And then on Tuesday,
I finally get an interview with Xerox.Copy !req
911. And I went in there and I killed.Copy !req
912. I mean, it was the kind of interview
that you dream about.Copy !req
913. And it was so good, that I
remember tearing up in the elevator.Copy !req
914. And I knew... I knew they were
gonna send me on to Gentry.Copy !req
915. I knew I was finally going to meet
the decision maker.Copy !req
916. And ever since then, nothing.Copy !req
917. Bupkis.Copy !req
918. I just need the bathroom key.Copy !req
919. Sorry.Copy !req
920. Cammy!Copy !req
921. How do I get to James Gentry?Copy !req
922. I've e-mailed, I've texted,
I've twittered.Copy !req
923. I've called his home.
I spoke to his wife.Copy !req
924. You called his house?Copy !req
925. Well, the conversation was brief.Copy !req
926. It was dinner time.
She had company.Copy !req
927. But I think I made an impression!Copy !req
928. Maybe you should focus
on more than one job listing.Copy !req
929. I'm so perfect for this job!Copy !req
930. I just have to get myself
in front of the guyCopy !req
931. who can actually pull the trigger
and hire me!Copy !req
932. It is ABC time!Copy !req
933. One way or another,
I've got to get to the decision maker.Copy !req
934. - Yes.
- Whoa!Copy !req
935. James Gentry,
prepare to meet Roger Davis.Copy !req
936. Yo.Copy !req
937. Hey, man.
Listen to my dad's latest tweet.Copy !req
938. "It ends today.Copy !req
939. "ABC, equal sign,
Annihilation Brings Closure.Copy !req
940. "Roger Davis,
symbol for greater than James Gentry."Copy !req
941. What the hell does that mean?Copy !req
942. I don't know, man,
but it sounds ominous.Copy !req
943. Yeah, it definitely doesn't sound good.Copy !req
944. Yeah, this is bad.
Look, Luke, we gotta go find my dad.Copy !req
945. All right, here I come.Copy !req
946. Yeah, it's Fifth and Spring,
right off the 101, big gray building.Copy !req
947. - Excuse me, sir.
- Hmm?Copy !req
948. Check in with the front desk, please.Copy !req
949. Oh, right, right.Copy !req
950. All right.
I'll take care of that this afternoon.Copy !req
951. All right.
All right, bye-bye.Copy !req
952. Good afternoon.Copy !req
953. Roger Davis here
to see James Gentry.Copy !req
954. You could sign in.Copy !req
955. Uh, sir?Copy !req
956. I'm going to need you
to exit the building.Copy !req
957. Okay.Copy !req
958. Or... how about this?Copy !req
959. How about I'm not going anywhereCopy !req
960. until after I see the decision maker.Copy !req
961. Katherine?Copy !req
962. - Mr. Wilheimer.
- Ah, yeah.Copy !req
963. Look, family emergency.
I need to leave early.Copy !req
964. We're starting the Fredericks meeting.Copy !req
965. Okay. Well, how important is it
that I'm there?Copy !req
966. How important is keeping your job?Copy !req
967. Katherine, I'm sorry.
My dad needs me.Copy !req
968. - Nearest exit, everybody!Copy !req
969. Go, mi amigo.Copy !req
970. - Wait, did you pull that for me?
- Shh.Copy !req
971. Go to tu papa.Copy !req
972. - Hurry up!
- He's at Millennium Plaza.Copy !req
973. How do you know?Copy !req
974. IStalkU, motherfucker!Copy !req
975. You can't wait here, sir.
Why don't you find a Starbucks?Copy !req
976. Why don't you find
a suck-my-cock-bucks? Hmm?Copy !req
977. Sorry.
That was uncalled for.Copy !req
978. Where are we going?Copy !req
979. It's saying he's, like, around...Copy !req
980. I shouldn't have said
what I said.Copy !req
981. But I'd like to let you know
that if you call Pearl,Copy !req
982. Pearl knows me
and you just tell her...Copy !req
983. Hey, hey!
That's my dad.Copy !req
984. Will?Copy !req
985. Whatever he did,
if you just let him go,Copy !req
986. I promise I'll get him home safely.Copy !req
987. Look, please, sir.
Don't embarrass him anymore.Copy !req
988. Please.Copy !req
989. Go on, Mr. Davis.Copy !req
990. Thank you.Copy !req
991. Wait a minute. That's...
That's Gentry.Copy !req
992. That's him.
That's the decision maker.Copy !req
993. Dad!Copy !req
994. Go!Copy !req
995. I was captain
of my Ultimate Frisbee team.Copy !req
996. Shut up!Copy !req
997. Hold it. Hold it!Copy !req
998. Hold it, hold it.
Thank you.Copy !req
999. No! Oh!Copy !req
1000. Hold it, hold on!Copy !req
1001. Mr. Gentry, my name
is Roger Davis.Copy !req
1002. Stay away from me.
I'll call security.Copy !req
1003. They know I'm here.Copy !req
1004. Now, sir. I know you must think
that I'm psychotic.Copy !req
1005. I'm not psychotic.
I'm not.Copy !req
1006. I'm just a man
driven to desperationCopy !req
1007. by months and months
of rejection and indifference.Copy !req
1008. I'm a human being,Copy !req
1009. asking for an opportunity
to tell you face to faceCopy !req
1010. why I think I would be great
for your company.Copy !req
1011. This is my résumé.
My son made this.Copy !req
1012. Why me?Copy !req
1013. Because you, sir,
are the decision maker.Copy !req
1014. What happened?Copy !req
1015. I got an interview.Copy !req
1016. - Yeah!Copy !req
1017. - Nice!
- All right!Copy !req
1018. - All right!
- Yeah!Copy !req
1019. Yes!Copy !req
1020. What am I gonna do?Copy !req
1021. There can be only one.Copy !req
1022. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
1023. Katherine wants to see you
in her office.Copy !req
1024. Fuck.Copy !req
1025. Goodbye head?Copy !req
1026. What? No.
What is wrong with you?Copy !req
1027. I'm really bored.Copy !req
1028. Isn't it a glorious day?Copy !req
1029. What's glorious about it?Copy !req
1030. I've rid this company
of the dead wood.Copy !req
1031. We are leaner and meaner.Copy !req
1032. This is a contract.Copy !req
1033. It's a what?Copy !req
1034. You're now Vice President
of Corporate Communications.Copy !req
1035. Your salary is $52,000.Copy !req
1036. 52,000?Copy !req
1037. You'll be doing the work
of three people.Copy !req
1038. Get used to eating
dinner at your desk.Copy !req
1039. Now that I've turned you around,
it was easier to kick you upstairsCopy !req
1040. than to train someone new.Copy !req
1041. Just don't forget
who did the kicking.Copy !req
1042. - Yeah.
- Come here.Copy !req
1043. I own you, Mr. Davis.Copy !req
1044. Get to work, VP.Copy !req
1045. Yes!Copy !req
1046. Why are you massaging
my girlfriend?Copy !req
1047. Shh!
Don't break her concentration.Copy !req
1048. She's about to get
to the Living Legend achievement.Copy !req
1049. This is fucking crazy, man!
She's on a killing spree.Copy !req
1050. Killing frenzy.Copy !req
1051. Your girlfriend
is a fucking prodigy, bro.Copy !req
1052. Bong me.Copy !req
1053. You light it.
Light it for her.Copy !req
1054. "Bong me"?
Hey, what's up with you, man?Copy !req
1055. I lost a half a million dollars today.Copy !req
1056. I am fucked.
I let everybody down, dude.Copy !req
1057. I let Tyler Perry down.Copy !req
1058. Oprah, Barack Obama...Copy !req
1059. I let Barack Obama down.
I am fucked, man.Copy !req
1060. - Stay with it.
- I'm on it.Copy !req
1061. You guys don't understand, man.Copy !req
1062. You guys don't understand.
I drank deer cum!Copy !req
1063. - Move!
- Oh, God. Shit!Copy !req
1064. Hey, Jillian, can I talk to you
for a second?Copy !req
1065. - Boo!
- No.Copy !req
1066. Okay. All right.Copy !req
1067. - Game over, bitches!Copy !req
1068. What are you doing?
You can't do that.Copy !req
1069. You can't pull the cord out.
Why are you doing that?Copy !req
1070. - Boo!
- Don't boo me.Copy !req
1071. You don't... Don't boo.
Stop booing me!Copy !req
1072. I'm surprised at you, Will.Copy !req
1073. Dude, get out of here.Copy !req
1074. Sudden trauma can hurt the LED.Copy !req
1075. Wait, come here.
Save me, save me, save me! I don't...Copy !req
1076. - Bong me.
- Bong coming in.Copy !req
1077. All right, Jillian.
I need you to step up.Copy !req
1078. Oh, my God.Copy !req
1079. Bring home the bacon, baby.Copy !req
1080. Oh, fuck.
Let's eat some bacon right now.Copy !req
1081. Mr. Diller?Copy !req
1082. I just want to say
I'm sorry I screwed up.Copy !req
1083. And thank you for the opportunity and...Copy !req
1084. I'm sorry I let you down.Copy !req
1085. Where in the fuck
do you think you're going?Copy !req
1086. Sit the fuck down.Copy !req
1087. What kind of fucking pussy generation
do you come from, anyway?Copy !req
1088. You never apologize.Copy !req
1089. Never, ever.
You burn the fucking house down,Copy !req
1090. you roll up your fucking sleeves
and you build another one.Copy !req
1091. Now, get the fuck back out there
and make the money back.Copy !req
1092. You got it?Copy !req
1093. Go.Copy !req
1094. Yo, this will never happen again.Copy !req
1095. Thank you so much.Copy !req
1096. Goddamn it.Copy !req
1097. Send the fucking custodian in.Copy !req
1098. Bring it in.
Okay, circle up.Copy !req
1099. All right. Now, I know
we haven't won a game yet,Copy !req
1100. but we have been losing
by less and less.Copy !req
1101. And I know for a fact that
their two best players have head lice.Copy !req
1102. I'm saying we have a chance today.Copy !req
1103. A chance for victory.Copy !req
1104. A chance for redemption.Copy !req
1105. Hands in.Copy !req
1106. Victory on three.Copy !req
1107. One, two, three.
Victory!Copy !req
1108. Great season!
You guys played your hearts out.Copy !req
1109. You did it.Copy !req
1110. Everybody is a winner.Copy !req
1111. We are so proud of you.Copy !req
1112. Next year, no scoreboard, right?Copy !req
1113. All right.
Here you go, honey.Copy !req
1114. No, no, no.
No trophies!Copy !req
1115. No, no, no!
No trophies this year.Copy !req
1116. We always get trophies.Copy !req
1117. Trophies don't mean anything
unless you earn them.Copy !req
1118. They're just plastic junk.Copy !req
1119. Look.Copy !req
1120. No!Copy !req
1121. My childhood bedroom
is filled to the brim with trophies,Copy !req
1122. - and I haven't won a thing in my life.Copy !req
1123. You would have to be born
already in a comaCopy !req
1124. to do as little
with your life as I have.Copy !req
1125. - Excuse me.
- Stop it, stop! Listen to me.Copy !req
1126. Listen, guys.Copy !req
1127. Listen to me.Copy !req
1128. Now, I've spent the last
five years of my lifeCopy !req
1129. practically living
on a cum-stained couch.Copy !req
1130. I smoke $200 of weed a week.Copy !req
1131. I've been wearing the same
pair of socks for so longCopy !req
1132. that the fabric of the sock
has literally become oneCopy !req
1133. with the skin of my little toe.Copy !req
1134. And why? Why?Copy !req
1135. Because when I was growing up,Copy !req
1136. they gave me trophies for losing.Copy !req
1137. Do you understand what I'm saying?Copy !req
1138. No trophy, Sam.Copy !req
1139. Kwan, no trophies!Copy !req
1140. No trophies!Copy !req
1141. No trophies! No trophies!Copy !req
1142. Thanks, Charlie.Copy !req
1143. Don't call me Charlie.Copy !req
1144. Call me Coach.Copy !req
1145. Hey.Copy !req
1146. - This place is foul.
- I know.Copy !req
1147. - There's porn everywhere.
- I know.Copy !req
1148. Look, this is just temporary.Copy !req
1149. I got a good steady job now.Copy !req
1150. I mean, I don't want to jinx it,Copy !req
1151. but they're talking about
Employee of the Month.Copy !req
1152. I don't think that's a thing
that people do anymore.Copy !req
1153. It is.
And I'm gonna get it.Copy !req
1154. For us.Copy !req
1155. What I'm saying is,
it's gonna be okay.Copy !req
1156. Oh, Will...Copy !req
1157. Is this your girlfriend?Copy !req
1158. Jillian, this is Katherine Dunn.Copy !req
1159. - Hello.
- Hi, Jillian.Copy !req
1160. I think that Jillian
should be thanking me, don't you?Copy !req
1161. - Thanking you for what?
- For what?Copy !req
1162. For what?Copy !req
1163. For turning you into the responsible
little worker bee that you are.Copy !req
1164. - It was very nice to meet you.
- You, too.Copy !req
1165. - Enjoy the party, dears.
- Okay.Copy !req
1166. - Wow.
- I know.Copy !req
1167. But she's making me Vice President.Copy !req
1168. All signed.
Just got to turn it in.Copy !req
1169. Where did you find that?Copy !req
1170. I called Lon Zimmet.Copy !req
1171. Um...Copy !req
1172. He went on and on about you,Copy !req
1173. and used the word "cock"
like, 1,000 times.Copy !req
1174. Yeah, he does that.Copy !req
1175. I need to say something.Copy !req
1176. What?Copy !req
1177. I'm 22 years old
and I have no ideaCopy !req
1178. what I'm gonna do
with the rest of my life.Copy !req
1179. And I'm fine with that.
I have a lot to offer the world,Copy !req
1180. and this is just the beginning,
and if you want to take a jobCopy !req
1181. with some shady start-up company
that has nothing to offer youCopy !req
1182. but stock options and a dream,
then you should do that!Copy !req
1183. Yeah, you know,
maybe we're not all geniuses.Copy !req
1184. So we're not the greatest generation,
so what?Copy !req
1185. These are our lives,
and we're gonna make the most of 'em!Copy !req
1186. I love you, Jillian.Copy !req
1187. Come on, come on.
Don't be shy.Copy !req
1188. Hey, Katherine,
can I talk to you for a second?Copy !req
1189. Sure.Copy !req
1190. So, I wanted to thank you
for this opportunity.Copy !req
1191. Oh, pleasure.Copy !req
1192. But yeah, the job,
it's not really for me.Copy !req
1193. - You're joking.
- No. I quit.Copy !req
1194. Wow.Copy !req
1195. Cocky little shit.Copy !req
1196. What,
are you gonna go play houseCopy !req
1197. with that ugly little
girlfriend of yours?Copy !req
1198. - Maybe I will.
- Maybe you will.Copy !req
1199. But let me tell you something.
You won't, because you won't have a job.Copy !req
1200. So I want you to be
prepared for what itCopy !req
1201. feels like to be on
the unemployment line.Copy !req
1202. Because as of this moment forward,
I'm going to do everything in my powerCopy !req
1203. to ensure that you never work
in this town again.Copy !req
1204. Hey, put that in your Facebook.Copy !req
1205. - Should I put my showcase here?
- Yeah, would you?Copy !req
1206. I found this working late one night,Copy !req
1207. and I thought it was
a good opportunity to express myself.Copy !req
1208. - Merry Christmas.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, wow!Copy !req
1209. Take that minotaur cock.Copy !req
1210. Is it tough out there?
No doubt.Copy !req
1211. But we all need a job.
So, what do you do?Copy !req
1212. Chug, chug, chug!Copy !req
1213. Find the thing
that you were meant to do.Copy !req
1214. Work your ass off to get it.Copy !req
1215. Never stop believing.Copy !req
1216. Never quit.Copy !req
1217. Hello.
Skeezy D blowin' up the Internet.Copy !req
1218. Everybody rollin' up to me like,
"How can I roll Skeezy-style?"Copy !req
1219. Well, look.Copy !req
1220. Sweat.Copy !req
1221. - Get your fuck on.Copy !req
1222. It's a dick!Copy !req
1223. Fucking great!Copy !req
1224. Will, I'd like to officially welcome you
to the Sweat team.Copy !req
1225. Thanks, Lon.
Um...Copy !req
1226. But I'm gonna have to
turn down your offer.Copy !req
1227. What?Copy !req
1228. I've started my own production
company,Copy !req
1229. but I would be honored
to have Sweat as my first client.Copy !req
1230. Yeah.Copy !req
1231. In other words,
don't just feel special.Copy !req
1232. Be special.Copy !req
1233. Do you love your wife?
Of course you do.Copy !req
1234. But when she tells you
she's going shopping,Copy !req
1235. how do you know she's not actually
going to a sordid motel like this one?Copy !req
1236. - Hello, lover.
- Hello.Copy !req
1237. Hmm.Copy !req
1238. Your husband says he's working late.Copy !req
1239. Well, what kind of work
are we really talking about?Copy !req
1240. Hey, Jezebel, sin.Copy !req
1241. Come and join the more
than 150,000 satisfied customersCopy !req
1242. who have all used iStalkU.Copy !req
1243. Let your loved ones know you careCopy !req
1244. by never letting them
out of your virtual sight.Copy !req
1245. Oh! Oh...Copy !req
1246. And cut!Copy !req
1247. We got it.Copy !req
1248. - All right!Copy !req