1. I have decided to keep a journal.
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2. Not in a word program or digital file
but in longhand,
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3. writing every word out
so that every inflection of penmanship,
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4. every word chosen, scratched out,
revised, is recorded.
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5. To set down all my thoughts
and the simple events
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6. of my day factually
and without hiding anything.
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7. When writing about oneself,
one should show no mercy.
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8. I will keep this diary
for one year, 12 months
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9. and at the end of that time,
it will be destroyed.
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10. Shredded, then burnt.
The experiment will be over.
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11. Please rise.
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12. What is thy only comfort in life and death?
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13. That I, with body and soul
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14. both in life and death, am not my own
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15. but belong unto
my faithful Savior, Jesus Christ.
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16. Who with his precious blood...
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17. These thoughts and recollections are
not so different from those I confide
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18. to God every morning.
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19. When it is possible.
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20. When he is listening.
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21. Bread of life. The cup of salvation.
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22. The bread of life. The cup of salvation.
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23. The bread of life. The cup of salvation.
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24. This journal is a form of speaking...
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25. of communication from one to the other.
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26. A communication which can be achieved simply
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27. and in repose without
prostration or abnegation.
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28. It is a form of prayer.
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29. Bread of life. The cup of salvation.
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30. There is a leak in the men's restroom.
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31. No, I fixed it.
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32. No. I was just there. It's still leaking.
Same place. Under the hot faucet.
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33. - What about the women's room?
- The women's is fine.
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34. Do you want me to call
the plumber from Abundant Life?
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35. No, let me have another crack at it.
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36. I hate always bugging them
for extra little costs.
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37. They don't mind.
That's what they're there for.
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38. - And you're totally within your budget.
- Still, I don't want to.
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39. Have you posted the sermon?
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40. Yes. I did it this morning.
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41. - Oh...
- Reverend?
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42. Yes, Mary, right?
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43. - Mary Mensana.
- Yeah, nice to see you again.
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44. I wanted to talk, if that's okay.
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45. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on in, Mary.
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46. - I'll be right back.
- Mary, how can I help you?
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47. I was wondering if you would talk
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48. - to my husband, Michael.
- Oh, sure. I...
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49. Actually, not now.
He has to... he has to go to work.
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50. He has to fill in at Home Depot.
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51. Mary?
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52. - What is it?
- I'm worried about him.
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53. He's involved in the Green Planet movement.
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54. - It's an activist group.
- Mm-hmm.
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55. And he was in jail in Canada.
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56. And he just got out two weeks ago.
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57. He just sits around at home.
He doesn't... he doesn't go out.
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58. I got him to fill out a temp form
for Home... for Home Depot.
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59. - Okay.
- So that's good.
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60. Are you sure you don't want
to go to Abundant Life?
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61. They have a whole team
of counselors over there,
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62. - who are trained and...
- I know, but he doesn't want to.
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63. He thinks it's more
of a company than a church.
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64. And so, he said he would talk to you.
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65. Uh, all right.
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66. Tomorrow?
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67. - After lunch?
- Great. Great.
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68. I'll just need the... I just need an address.
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69. And can you tell me a little more?
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70. Oh, he applied for compassionate release
when he found out.
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71. He was at Fort Providence.
They let him out early.
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72. - Wait, now, found out what?
- That I was pregnant.
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73. Oh. Hmm, congratulations.
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74. Thanks.
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75. He thinks it's wrong to bring
a child into this world.
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76. He wants to kill our baby.
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77. I assisted Sunday the youth group
at Abundant Life.
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78. The young people were
so excited, so full of life.
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79. They were open. They welcomed communion.
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80. Maybe I shouldn't care about
whether people like me.
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81. Did Jesus worry about being liked?
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82. I look at the last lines
I wrote with disdain.
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83. Twelve months.
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84. Can I keep up an exercise that long?
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85. When I read these words,
I see not truth, but pride.
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86. I wish I had not used the word pride.
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87. But I cannot cross it out.
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88. If only I could pray.
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89. Hi, Reverend.
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90. - Hi. Is Michael home?
- Yeah. Come on in.
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91. Okay. Yeah.
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92. - Hey. Good to see you.
- Nice to see you.
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93. Um, would you like some coffee?
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94. - Yes, but, um...
- We're... I think we have some tea.
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95. Yes. That would be better.
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96. - Okay.
- Thanks.
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97. Let me take your coat?
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98. No, it's okay. I got it.
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99. Come on in.
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100. - Yeah, I don't know why Mary...
- There's no need to apologize.
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101. No, she told me
that you've been up in Canada.
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102. Yeah. Fort Providence.
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103. It's in the Mackenzie Delta.
It's way in the north.
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104. Yeah, beautiful country, I imagine.
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105. Yeah, it is.
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106. Mary said things have been getting you down?
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107. Uh, yeah, things.
Yeah, you could say that. Yeah.
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108. Oh! Thank you very much.
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109. - It's hot.
- Perfect.
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110. Thank you.
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111. - So Mary is pregnant.
- Hmm.
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112. - Yeah. How far along is she?
- Twenty weeks.
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113. - Congratulations.
- Thanks.
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114. Hey, how old are you, Reverend?
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115. I'm 46.
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116. Uh, 33.
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117. That's how old our child will be in 2050.
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118. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
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119. You know, that's
two years older than I am right now.
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120. Mm-hmm.
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121. - You'll be 81.
- Yeah!
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122. Hey, you know what the world
will be like in 2050?
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123. - Hmm. Hard to imagine.
- Yeah, you think?
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124. I mean, Reverend,
the world is changing so fast.
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125. And right in front of us.
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126. I mean, one-third of the natural world
has been destroyed in your lifetime.
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127. You know, the earth's temperature
will be three degrees centigrade higher.
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128. Four is the threshold.
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129. You know, "Severe, widespread,
and irreversible impacts."
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130. And when scientists say
stuff like that, you know?
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131. And National Center
for Atmospheric Research...
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132. Lawrence Livermore,
Potsdam Institute. Reverend...
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133. He went on like that for some time.
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134. By 2050, sea levels two feet
higher on the East Coast.
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135. Low lying areas underwater across the world.
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136. Bangladesh, 20% loss of landmass.
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137. Central Africa, 50% reduction
in crops due to drought.
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138. The Western reservoirs dried up.
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139. Climate change. Refugees.
Epidemics. Extreme weather.
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140. You know, the...
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141. the bad times, they will begin,
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142. and from that point,
everything moves very quickly.
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143. You know, this social structure
can't bear the stress of multiple crises.
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144. Opportunistic diseases, anarchy,
martial law, the tipping point.
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145. And this isn't in some, like, distant future.
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146. You will live to see this.
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147. You know, my children
will experience this un-livability.
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148. This, uh...
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149. Yeah, I'm sorry. I just... you know, I...
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150. I thought things could change, you know?
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151. I thought... I thought people would listen.
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152. Do you have thoughts of harming yourself?
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153. No.
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154. Why? Did Mary say something like that?
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155. No, no.
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156. No, I'm not worried for myself.
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157. I just... this world is gonna be what it is.
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158. - But can I ask you a question, Reverend?
- Mm-hmm.
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159. How do you sanction
bringing in a little girl...
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160. Uh, for argument's sake,
let's just say that, uh...
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161. Mary and I's child, it's a little girl.
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162. You know, a child that's so full of hope...
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163. and naive beliefs into a world
where that little girl, uh...
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164. she grows up to be a young woman
and she looks you in the eyes
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165. and she says that you knew
this all along, didn't you?
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166. You see, that...
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167. I mean, what are you supposed to say then?
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168. There's something growing inside Mary.
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169. Something as alive as a tree, surely.
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170. As an endangered species.
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171. Something full of the beauty
and mystery of nature.
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172. You said sanction, hmm?
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173. You think Mary should have an abortion?
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174. This birth, is that your right?
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175. Is that your decision?
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176. Have you asked Mary what she thinks?
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177. Look, this isn't... it's not about your baby.
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178. It's not about Mary.
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179. It's about you...
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180. and your despair. Your lack of hope.
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181. Look, people have throughout history
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182. have woken up in the dead of the night
confronted by blackness.
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183. The sense that our lives are without meaning.
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184. The Sickness Unto Death.
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185. Yeah, but this is something different.
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186. Yeah, no, man's great achievements
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187. have brought him to the place
where life as we know it
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188. may cease in the foreseeable future.
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189. Yes, that's new.
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190. But the blackness?
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191. That's not.
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192. We're scientific people.
We want to solve things.
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193. We want rational answers.
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194. Right? And if humankind can't overcome
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195. its immediate interests enough to ensure
its own survival, then you're right.
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196. The only rational response is despair.
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197. But do you think that
there's any existence apart from this?
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198. This here, right now?
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199. - Yes.
- Yeah, right, before us.
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200. - After us.
- Yeah.
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201. - Yeah,
- Wait, so you're talking about
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202. the next lifetime? Huh?
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203. You really... you just, uh...
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204. I felt like I was Jacob wrestling
all night long with the angel.
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205. Fighting in the grasp.
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206. Every sentence, every question,
every response, a mortal struggle.
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207. It was exhilarating.
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208. You believe in martyrdom, Reverend?
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209. I'm not sure I know what you mean.
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210. You know, the Saints of God?
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211. The early Christians
who wouldn't renounce their faith?
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212. The missionaries who were attacked
in the fields of the Lord.
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213. Do you believe that they died for a purpose?
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214. - I do.
- Well, every week,
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215. activists are killed
trying to protect the environment.
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216. A hundred and seventeen were
killed last year for their beliefs.
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217. I mean, right there.
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218. This is José Cláudio Ribeiro da Silva.
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219. Huh? And that's his wife, Maria.
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220. Uh... they were... they were gunned down
in 2011 in the Amazon.
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221. You know, they were protesting
free cutting of the rain forest.
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222. Hey, this is Dorothy Stang, 2005.
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223. She was a nun from Ohio.
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224. And what was the purpose of their death?
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225. You know, in 2010, the IPCC predicted
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226. that if drastic action wasn't taken by 2015,
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227. environmental collapse would be irreversible.
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228. And nothing was done.
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229. And now it's 2017.
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230. You said you respected me.
What I've been through.
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231. - Yes.
- So you know my story, hmm?
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232. - Yeah, you were a chaplain.
- Uh-huh.
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233. My father taught at VMI.
I encouraged my son to enlist.
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234. It was the family tradition.
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235. Like his father, my father before me, hmm.
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236. A patriotic tradition.
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237. My wife... was very opposed.
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238. My son enlisted anyway.
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239. And six months later, he was dead in Iraq.
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240. Right? I talked my son into a war
that had no moral justification.
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241. My wife could no longer live with me.
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242. I left the military.
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243. I was lost.
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244. And Reverend Jeffers from Abundant Life,
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245. he gave me this position
at First Reformed and here I am.
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246. And Michael, I can promise you...
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247. that whatever despair you feel
about bringing a child into this world
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248. cannot equal the despair
of taking a child from it.
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249. Hey, what was his name?
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250. Your son?
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251. Joseph.
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252. The boy thrown down the well.
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253. - Yeah, I remember.
- Mm-hmm.
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254. - The dreamer.
- The dreamer, yeah. Yeah.
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255. And you were able to just go on?
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256. Courage... is the solution to despair.
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257. Reason... provides no answers.
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258. I can't know what the future will bring.
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259. We have to choose despite uncertainty.
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260. Wisdom is holding two contradictory truths
in our mind, simultaneously.
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261. Hope and despair.
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262. A life without despair
is a life without hope.
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263. Holding these two ideas
in our head is life itself.
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264. Are you a drinking man, Reverend?
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265. - It doesn't help.
- No, I suppose not.
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266. Can God forgive us?
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267. For what we've done to this world?
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268. I don't know.
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269. Who can know the mind of God?
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270. But we can choose...
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271. a righteous life.
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272. Belief.
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273. Forgiveness.
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274. Grace covers us all.
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275. I believe that.
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276. Let's meet again.
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277. Want to?
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278. Tomorrow after lunch, same time.
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279. Okay, yeah. It's a... it's a plan.
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280. I went over everything that was said,
what should have been said,
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281. what could have been said differently,
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282. what could have been said better.
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283. "I know that nothing can change
and I know there is no hope."
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284. Thomas Merton wrote this.
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285. "Despair is a development of pride so great
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286. that it chooses one's certitude
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287. rather than admit God
is more creative than we are."
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288. Perhaps it's better I didn't say that to him.
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289. Who am I to talk about pride?
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290. Well, to begin, the church
was constructed in 1767
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291. in a style we now call Dutch colonial.
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292. It was made by settlers... follow me...
using local timber.
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293. First Reformed took seven years to build.
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294. The Vei Plancks.
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295. Effie here, her tombstone dates back to 1787.
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296. The church was partially rebuilt
in 1837 following a fire.
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297. This section remains preserved.
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298. If you look closely behind
the Continental Army flag,
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299. you'll find two bullet holes
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300. from shots fired during
the Skirmish of Snowbridge.
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301. In two months we're celebrating
our 250th anniversary.
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302. Here is an example of some
of the church's chinaware
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303. brought over from the Netherlands.
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304. And the first chalice. It's beautiful.
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305. And here, this is the original key
from the front door before the fire.
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306. Isn't that neat? Yeah.
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307. And in that cabinet we have
souvenirs that are for sale.
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308. We have mugs, caps, postcards,
key chains, pens, t-shirts.
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309. What size are these?
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310. Unfortunately, they are all small.
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311. I have some more on order,
but I'm waiting for them to come in.
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312. The caps are great, though.
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313. It's a one-size-fits-all.
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314. The pulpit was donated in 1879
by William Mercer.
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315. And the church organ,
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316. which unfortunately
isn't working at this time,
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317. was manufactured in England by A.G. Hill.
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318. Did you hear the one about
the choir mistress and the minister?
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319. - No.
- She chased him
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320. around the church
and caught him by the organ.
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321. Huh. Oh, no, I hadn't heard that one.
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322. All right, come on. Follow me.
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323. All right, thank you all very much.
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324. - Be well.
- Thank you.
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325. Yeah, thanks a lot.
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326. Drive safe.
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327. Thanks.
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328. Okay, take five.
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329. - Penny for your thoughts?
- Oh, Joel wanted to talk to me.
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330. - Nothing serious, I hope.
- Oh, I assume not.
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331. You want to have lunch?
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332. Well, I have something after but yeah,
I could sit with you for a second.
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333. Oh, remember that?
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334. What?
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335. When everything was ahead of you.
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336. Yeah. But try telling them that.
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337. See you then.
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338. Hello.
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339. - Reverend Toller.
- Yes.
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340. - Oh, go right in.
- Okay.
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341. He's expecting you.
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342. Um, this is... that's my wife's stuff, so.
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343. Go ahead and deal with it.
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344. Oh, good! Reverend Toller. Come on in.
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345. Roger, make sure you get back to me
as soon as you can on that.
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346. - Hey, Reverend.
- Good seeing you.
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347. Why don't you have a seat there?
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348. Roger, okay to leave that door open.
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349. - Can I get you a water or anything?
- Oh, no, I'm good, I'm good.
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350. - So how are things over at First Reformed?
- Oh, busy. You know how it is.
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351. You do one thing to the other,
next thing you know it's Sunday again.
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352. Yeah, tell me about it.
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353. Well, I brought you in, I wanted to ask you
about the 250th reconsecration.
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354. Now, that's just around the corner.
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355. Yeah, of course. It's only eight weeks away.
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356. And how's the planning going on that?
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357. Well, your office is handling the invitations
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358. and I'm a little worried about seating.
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359. I mean, because we have your staff,
we have the elders, we have the deacons.
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360. We have the governor, his people.
The mayor, his people.
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361. We don't have any room for spillover.
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362. You know, it's the sanctuary and that's it.
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363. You know what, I think we'll simulcast
the ceremony here, in the main room.
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364. - All right.
- So that's 5,000 seats.
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365. Yeah, okay. Well, then...
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366. We can do the reception in the rotunda.
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367. The organ at First Reformed.
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368. - Is that fixed?
- Yeah, no, it's not.
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369. We're waiting on some pieces.
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370. I don't... it was... it's just more
complicated than we thought at first.
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371. Well, we can't have a reconsecration
without an organ.
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372. "A Mighty Fortress is our God."
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373. That's all organ.
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374. Did you know that
Martin Luther wrote that in an outhouse?
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375. Oh, yeah.
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376. "A Mighty Fortress"...
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377. I think every seminarian knows that one.
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378. Oh, man, I cannot get
that image out of my mind.
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379. I mean, whenever I see that song going on,
and I can look around the congregation
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380. and know everybody's thinking the same thing.
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381. This man, oh, goodness. Oh, makes me laugh.
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382. Anyway, have you prepared your remarks?
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383. Oh, no. Not yet, but I will.
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384. - So how are you?
- Oh, I'm fine.
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385. No, really.
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386. I mean, it's been awhile since we've talked.
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387. And you know, even a pastor needs a pastor.
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388. We should do it, okay?
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389. I'd like that.
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390. Good. And come by here more often.
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391. You should get out.
Come on by and be a part of things.
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392. So many activities you can do, and...
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393. - And the kids like you a lot.
- Mmm.
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394. They always speak highly of you.
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395. So you can get out of that...
what is the play?
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396. What do they like to call it
over where you are?
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397. - The museum.
- The souvenir shop.
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398. They call it the souvenir shop.
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399. Well, good. Well, good.
You're doing a great job.
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400. I'm grateful for the opportunity.
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401. How was Jeffers?
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402. Oh, he wants me to meet Ed Balq.
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403. Balq Industries, Balq Energy,
Balq Paper, Balq Peanuts...
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404. Why?
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405. Well, it's all about the reconsecration.
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406. And apparently Mr. Balq wants
to make sure he gets
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407. proper credit for underwriting
the whole thing.
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408. Well, he should.
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409. First Reformed would be a parking lot
if it wasn't for him.
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410. I guess.
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411. Did you see the doctor?
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412. Yes, I made an appointment.
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413. There was a bit of a hang up
with the insurance company, but...
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414. God, they make it so difficult.
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415. - Yeah, well, that's what they do.
- Mm-hmm.
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416. You need someone to take care of you.
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417. Esther, we tried that. I'm not made for that.
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418. For what? Love?
You're not made for love?
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419. My marriage was a failure.
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420. No marriage can survive the loss of a child.
Copy !req
421. It's not right.
Copy !req
422. Is that what you think?
Copy !req
423. That what we did together was a sin?
Copy !req
424. - That we transgressed?
- No, that's not what I think.
Copy !req
425. I've seen enough real sin
to know the difference. It's just...
Copy !req
426. Okay?
Copy !req
427. Okay.
Copy !req
428. I understand, I...
Copy !req
429. I care about you. I want you to be happy.
Copy !req
430. Well, I am happy.
Copy !req
431. Some are called for their gregariousness.
Copy !req
432. Some are called for their suffering.
Copy !req
433. Others are called for their loneliness.
Copy !req
434. They are called by God
Copy !req
435. because through the vessel of communication,
Copy !req
436. they can reach out
Copy !req
437. and hold beating hearts in their hands.
Copy !req
438. They are called because
of their all-consuming knowledge
Copy !req
439. of the emptiness of all things
Copy !req
440. that can only be filled
by the presence of our Savior.
Copy !req
441. - Yes?
- Reverend Toller?
Copy !req
442. - Oh!
- It's me.
Copy !req
443. Yes, Mary?
Copy !req
444. I got your message about rescheduling.
Copy !req
445. You must come over. Now.
Copy !req
446. - Is Michael there?
- No, he's at work.
Copy !req
447. - You must come over now.
- Okay. Okay.
Copy !req
448. Thanks for coming.
Copy !req
449. Follow me.
Copy !req
450. I was looking for some batteries
'cause we were out.
Copy !req
451. And I thought maybe
there'd be some in here, you know?
Copy !req
452. And then something just didn't seem right.
Copy !req
453. Okay, I put everything back
the way I found it,
Copy !req
454. 'cause I wanted you to see how it was.
Copy !req
455. Explosives?
Copy !req
456. It's a suicide vest.
Copy !req
457. And there's other elements in there, too.
Copy !req
458. There's batteries and detonators
and tubes of jelly.
Copy !req
459. You know, he'd been working
in the garage lately,
Copy !req
460. and he said he was fixing a motor.
Copy !req
461. And I didn't question him.
Copy !req
462. 'Cause I was just happy
Copy !req
463. that he was doing something
that made him happy.
Copy !req
464. But you had no idea
that he was thinking of...
Copy !req
465. No, no suspicions. Nothing like this.
Copy !req
466. All right, well,
I'm gonna take this, all right?
Copy !req
467. This cannot remain here.
Copy !req
468. I'm gonna take it and dispose of it. And...
Copy !req
469. You're not gonna go to the police?
Copy !req
470. No, I won't... do you... do you want me to?
Copy !req
471. - No! No, no, no.
- I don't think it'd help.
Copy !req
472. I don't think anything good
Copy !req
473. will come from him feeling threatened.
Copy !req
474. I'm gonna come over tomorrow. Tomorrow.
Copy !req
475. Somehow, through conversation,
I will address this.
Copy !req
476. I'm so frightened.
Copy !req
477. You don't mean
that he... you're afraid of him?
Copy !req
478. - That he's gonna hurt you, right?
- No.
Copy !req
479. - No, no, no. I'm afraid for him.
- No? Okay, all right.
Copy !req
480. You know, are there other activists,
Copy !req
481. - like, coming around, calling?
- No. There's nobody.
Copy !req
482. He has no friends.
He's barely even sociable, so.
Copy !req
483. All right, but he has you.
Copy !req
484. - Yeah.
- You'll stand by him?
Copy !req
485. - Yeah, absolutely.
- All right. Well, so will I.
Copy !req
486. Discernment intersects
with Christian life at every moment.
Copy !req
487. Discernment.
Copy !req
488. Listening and waiting for God's wish
what action must be taken.
Copy !req
489. My petty ailments have made me bad-tempered.
Copy !req
490. I fight the urge not to write down
the thoughts which come to my mind.
Copy !req
491. The desire to pray itself
is a type of prayer.
Copy !req
492. How often we ask for genuine experience
when all we really want is emotion.
Copy !req
493. My hands shake as I write these lines.
Copy !req
494. I wasn't expecting you
for another couple of weeks.
Copy !req
495. We got a message from the boss.
Copy !req
496. He said it was a top priority.
Copy !req
497. You're having some kind of big event here?
Copy !req
498. Yeah, the church is having
its 250th anniversary.
Copy !req
499. Abundant Life is planning quite the ceremony.
Copy !req
500. Hmm. "A Mighty Fortress."
Copy !req
501. Jesus.
Copy !req
502. My God.
Copy !req
503. Yeah, see that?
Copy !req
504. I mean, he had been fighting with depression.
Copy !req
505. That's why I was supposed to meet him.
Copy !req
506. I never imagined anything like this.
Copy !req
507. Were you in touch with the immediate family?
Copy !req
508. Well, his wife, Mary.
Copy !req
509. She's the one who first
asked me to meet with him.
Copy !req
510. Did she know about your text?
Copy !req
511. No, but she was concerned. We both were.
Copy !req
512. Hmm. Have you notified her?
Copy !req
513. - No.
- I guess that's where I'm headed.
Copy !req
514. All right. Okay.
Copy !req
515. All right, do you mind
if I follow behind you?
Copy !req
516. - All right.
- I knew his father.
Copy !req
517. - Really? What's he like?
- A businessman.
Copy !req
518. Morbid son of a bitch.
I guess it runs in the blood.
Copy !req
519. Thank you, Reverend.
Copy !req
520. Mrs. Mensana, hey again,
I'm sorry for your loss.
Copy !req
521. If there's anything else that
we can do, please let us know.
Copy !req
522. - Thanks.
- Thank you, Reverend.
Copy !req
523. Thank you.
Copy !req
524. You didn't tell the police, right?
Copy !req
525. About?
Copy !req
526. No.
Copy !req
527. No.
Copy !req
528. If you find anything else...
Copy !req
529. like that, get rid of it.
Copy !req
530. As long as it's safe, I mean.
Burn it, bury it.
Copy !req
531. Michael was troubled but his cause was just.
Copy !req
532. There's no reason to bring
disrepute on that cause.
Copy !req
533. Are you an activist as well?
Copy !req
534. I share Michael's beliefs.
Copy !req
535. But not his despair. I mean, I wanna live.
Copy !req
536. - I wanna be a mother.
- Right.
Copy !req
537. I wanna have this child.
Copy !req
538. Do you have family nearby?
Copy !req
539. My... yeah, my sister. She's in Buffalo.
Copy !req
540. - You might want to call her.
- I will.
Copy !req
541. So he went into the garage?
Copy !req
542. Yeah.
Copy !req
543. What did he say?
Copy !req
544. Nothing.
Copy !req
545. Well, from a police point of view,
Copy !req
546. I imagine this is
a pretty cut-and-dried case.
Copy !req
547. Still, I'd probably clean up the office,
maybe get rid of his laptop.
Copy !req
548. You...
Copy !req
549. Open it.
Copy !req
550. I'd sensed it.
Copy !req
551. What?
Copy !req
552. He was absent.
Copy !req
553. He was becoming someone I didn't know.
Copy !req
554. Like, before I was pregnant even.
Copy !req
555. And he was just so full of anger, you know?
Copy !req
556. Yeah, I should probably call my parents.
Copy !req
557. My sister.
Copy !req
558. They should... they should know.
Copy !req
559. I stayed while she called her sister.
Copy !req
560. Her sister was going to drive down
Copy !req
561. and her parents would come
for the final rights.
Copy !req
562. Hey, Bill. Chicken or beef?
Copy !req
563. - Beef.
- Beef. Okay, great.
Copy !req
564. How've you been?
Copy !req
565. - I'm all right. Yeah.
- You okay?
Copy !req
566. - Is that enough for you?
- Thanks a lot, Reverend.
Copy !req
567. Did you want the chicken or the beef?
Copy !req
568. - Uh, the beef, thank you.
- Beef? Yeah.
Copy !req
569. There you are. Careful, it's hot.
Copy !req
570. Reverend, I wanted to ask you...
Copy !req
571. Oh, sh...
Copy !req
572. Damn, I'm sorry, Joseph! I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
573. Terrible night.
Copy !req
574. No sooner than I shut my eyes,
desolation came upon me.
Copy !req
575. What is one's last thought
as you pull the trigger?
Copy !req
576. "There goes my head."
Copy !req
577. Or, "Jesus, watch over me."
Copy !req
578. Or neither?
Copy !req
579. I'm going to tear these pages out.
Copy !req
580. This journal brings me no peace.
Copy !req
581. It's self-pity. Nothing more.
Copy !req
582. I awoke at 3:00 with a cry.
Copy !req
583. It's been five months
since I sensed the first warning signs.
Copy !req
584. I went into the church
and fell asleep on a bench.
Copy !req
585. How easily they talk about prayer,
Copy !req
586. those who have never really prayed.
Copy !req
587. Excuse me?
Copy !req
588. Oh, my goodness!
Copy !req
589. Well, since I made my commitment,
I have felt the Lord moving in my life.
Copy !req
590. If happiness came in pill size,
it would have JC stamped on it.
Copy !req
591. Continuous release size.
Copy !req
592. I wake up feeling better.
Copy !req
593. My relationships are better
and I got a raise last week.
Copy !req
594. I find myself in prayer
without even thinking about it.
Copy !req
595. Thank you, Jason. That is very inspiring.
Copy !req
596. Praise Jesus. My every breath is a prayer.
Copy !req
597. Thoughts? Reactions? Yes? Cynthia.
Copy !req
598. Three months ago, my father got laid off.
Copy !req
599. He can't find any work.
Copy !req
600. Nobody loves the Lord more than my father.
Copy !req
601. He is always testifying, he volunteers.
Copy !req
602. Did he do something wrong?
Copy !req
603. You all know Reverend Toller
from First Reformed.
Copy !req
604. - Hello.
- Hey, yeah. Hi. Yeah.
Copy !req
605. How do you answer this, Reverend?
Copy !req
606. Well, Cynthia, I'm sorry
that happened to your father.
Copy !req
607. There's a lot of church people,
good Christians, who see a connection
Copy !req
608. between godliness and prosperity.
Copy !req
609. But that's not what Jesus teaches.
Copy !req
610. That's not what Jesus lived.
Copy !req
611. There's no dollar sign on His pulpit.
Copy !req
612. There's no American flag either.
Copy !req
613. I think, Cynthia, what your father
is experiencing is...
Copy !req
614. Christians shouldn't succeed.
Copy !req
615. That's what he means.
Christianity is for losers?
Copy !req
616. Jake, Jake!
Copy !req
617. I just get tired of turn the other cheek.
Copy !req
618. Jesus didn't turn the other cheek.
Copy !req
619. Why stand for anything?
Copy !req
620. Take prayer out of the schools.
Copy !req
621. Give money to people too lazy to work for it.
Copy !req
622. And whatever you do,
don't offend the Muslims.
Copy !req
623. I mean, no sooner do I mention the poor,
Copy !req
624. and this teenager jumps down my throat
Copy !req
625. like I just took a shit on the American flag.
Copy !req
626. Forgive my language. Oh, God!
Copy !req
627. I know. Roger told me.
Copy !req
628. He was great. He was terrific.
He's a good man.
Copy !req
629. Well, he said you kept your cool
Copy !req
630. and he admired you for that.
Copy !req
631. There's just no middle ground
with these kids.
Copy !req
632. Everything is so extreme.
Copy !req
633. It's the times. These are frightening times.
Copy !req
634. These kids, they grow up in a world
Copy !req
635. that you and I, we wouldn't even recognize.
Copy !req
636. Global warming, a sea of pornography,
Copy !req
637. hyper violent video games.
Copy !req
638. It's a world without privacy.
Copy !req
639. Each kid isolated, communicating on media.
Copy !req
640. It's a world without hope!
Copy !req
641. You don't know what it's like
to raise a kid in this...
Copy !req
642. No, I did raise a kid.
Copy !req
643. - I didn't mean it like that.
- I know you didn't.
Copy !req
644. They're just frightened.
Copy !req
645. - These kids, they want certainty.
- Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
646. You know, don't think: follow.
Copy !req
647. But they fall prey to extremism.
Copy !req
648. Jihadism is everywhere.
Copy !req
649. Even here.
Copy !req
650. It's just... that's not
the church that called me.
Copy !req
651. Nor me.
Copy !req
652. It's up to us. We have to listen and guide
Copy !req
653. and encourage our young members
to express themselves
Copy !req
654. without judging them.
Copy !req
655. We have to lead by example.
Copy !req
656. We have to be patient.
Copy !req
657. Oh, this sounds great. I'm gonna have to
sharpen my chops for the reconsecration.
Copy !req
658. Do you know what they want to play?
Copy !req
659. No, I have no idea.
Abundant Life is handling everything.
Copy !req
660. Invites, the seating.
Copy !req
661. Basically, I just introduce Joel.
Copy !req
662. And then he does his spiel,
introduces the governor, maybe Ed Balq.
Copy !req
663. - Oh, why him?
- It's sort of his whole deal.
Copy !req
664. I mean, he's underwritten the whole thing,
paid to have the organ fixed.
Copy !req
665. I do have another...
Copy !req
666. - Oh, take it from the top.
- ... musical question for you.
Copy !req
667. It's actually
a... kind of sad bit of business.
Copy !req
668. - Hmm?
- The Michael Mensana memorial.
Copy !req
669. The scattering of his ashes.
He's asked me to arrange it.
Copy !req
670. He's asked you?
Copy !req
671. Well, he wrote a letter.
He had some requests.
Copy !req
672. Then the Lord spoke to Job,
Copy !req
673. stepped from the storm.
Copy !req
674. He said, "Where were you
when I laid the earth's foundations,
Copy !req
675. marked out its dimensions,
laid its cornerstone?
Copy !req
676. When the morning stars sang,
Copy !req
677. and the angels
shouted with joy, where were you?"
Copy !req
678. These surroundings were chosen by Michael
Copy !req
679. as the repository for his physical remains.
Copy !req
680. I say physical because his memories
Copy !req
681. and spirit live on with us,
Copy !req
682. as does his mission.
Copy !req
683. Michael cared about this world.
Copy !req
684. Perhaps too much.
Copy !req
685. The Abundant Life youth choir
will now sing for us
Copy !req
686. a song chosen by Michael.
Copy !req
687. - I'm good.
- All right.
Copy !req
688. - Mr. Balq!
- Hey!
Copy !req
689. - Hello!
- How are you?
Copy !req
690. - Very good, very good.
- Good, good, good.
Copy !req
691. Hey. Sorry I'm late. I got... I got held up.
Copy !req
692. Oh, good. You know Reverend Toller, right?
Copy !req
693. Well, only by sight. Ed Balq.
Copy !req
694. - Good to meet you.
- It's nice to meet you.
Copy !req
695. Just bring me a coffee
Copy !req
696. - and the apple pie, all right?
- Okay. Thank you.
Copy !req
697. The apple pie.
Copy !req
698. I know it's a cliché
but they make it right here.
Copy !req
699. It's organic. It's local.
Copy !req
700. I have a surprise for you.
Copy !req
701. I stopped by the printer on the way over.
Copy !req
702. Oh.
Copy !req
703. Oh, nice. Nice. They did a great job.
Copy !req
704. Yeah, all the guests
at the reconsecration will get a copy.
Copy !req
705. And then there will also be a mailing.
Copy !req
706. And of course it will be
available at the bookstore.
Copy !req
707. So how are the plans coming?
Copy !req
708. Is the organ repaired?
Copy !req
709. Oh, yeah. It sounds beautiful.
Better than ever.
Copy !req
710. Okay. We drew up a little seating chart.
Copy !req
711. Now, Mayor Wilson will be there,
Copy !req
712. as well as the governor.
Copy !req
713. Well, at least he's going to try...
Copy !req
714. All of those mighty men of God,
Copy !req
715. servants of the cross.
Copy !req
716. Years of service, baptisms,
confessions, funerals, sermons.
Copy !req
717. The hours in prayer,
Copy !req
718. the afflictions suffered.
Copy !req
719. Did God give them strength?
Copy !req
720. Reverend Toller will introduce me.
Copy !req
721. I'll go up, I'll introduce the governor.
Copy !req
722. There'll be a song selection.
Now, the main...
Copy !req
723. There won't be anything
political though, will there?
Copy !req
724. No. No, why would there be?
Copy !req
725. Well... oh, sorry. Do you mind?
Copy !req
726. Here you are.
Copy !req
727. - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Copy !req
728. - Well, I ask...
- Enjoy.
Copy !req
729. only 'cause this came to my attention.
Copy !req
730. It's a printout from a website.
Copy !req
731. Well, both First Reformed
and Abundant Life are mentioned by name.
Copy !req
732. It was a political event.
A Neil Young protest song?
Copy !req
733. I was just respecting the wishes
of the deceased and his widow.
Copy !req
734. It was their instructions
for the memorial service.
Copy !req
735. At a toxic waste site
with the press in attendance?
Copy !req
736. There was no press invited.
Copy !req
737. No, this is just Mensana's friends.
Copy !req
738. It was a political act.
Copy !req
739. And you and the choir represented
the Abundant Life Church.
Copy !req
740. And the Hanstown site,
by the way, isn't even polluted.
Copy !req
741. It was cleaned up with EPA superfunds.
Copy !req
742. - Well, Hanstown...
- No, no, of course not,
Copy !req
743. but just give me some credit, all right?
I'm in the energy business.
Copy !req
744. It's my business to stay informed.
Copy !req
745. Look, sorry.
Copy !req
746. Reverend Toller didn't understand
the implications here.
Copy !req
747. - May I ask a question?
- Yeah, go ahead.
Copy !req
748. Will God forgive us?
Copy !req
749. Will God forgive us for what
we're doing to his creation?
Copy !req
750. That's what Mensana asked me
when I visited him.
Copy !req
751. This... there's been a lot of loose talk
about environmental change.
Copy !req
752. There is scientific consensus.
Ninety-seven percent...
Copy !req
753. The man who says nothing
always seems more intelligent.
Copy !req
754. Why couldn't I just keep silent?
Copy !req
755. It's a complicated subject.
Copy !req
756. Not really.
Copy !req
757. I mean, who benefits?
Copy !req
758. Cui bono? Who profits?
Copy !req
759. That's what I keep asking myself.
Copy !req
760. Besides the Biblical call to stewardship,
who profits when we soil our own nest?
Copy !req
761. - What's to be gained...
- Can we just agree to keep politics
Copy !req
762. out of the reconsecration service?
Copy !req
763. - Yes.
- Yeah, but this isn't politics.
Copy !req
764. - I mean, what God wants is for...
- Oh, you know the mind of God?
Copy !req
765. You spoke to Him, personally?
Copy !req
766. He told you His plans for Earth?
Copy !req
767. Look, I understand, you're upset.
Copy !req
768. I mean, you found the body, correct?
Copy !req
769. Yes.
Copy !req
770. How?
Copy !req
771. I was supposed to meet him.
Copy !req
772. And he texted me and... a change of location.
Copy !req
773. And?
Copy !req
774. And I went there and he was dead.
Copy !req
775. So you counseled him, Reverend?
Copy !req
776. Yes.
Copy !req
777. You counseled him, then he shot himself?
Copy !req
778. Ed?
Copy !req
779. Yes.
Copy !req
780. Well, I think you need
to step back, Reverend,
Copy !req
781. and take a look at your own life
before you criticize others.
Copy !req
782. Hmm?
Copy !req
783. Mary and I rode the park trail.
Copy !req
784. I had not ridden a bicycle,
I think, in 20 years.
Copy !req
785. I was afraid I would fall.
Copy !req
786. It's amazing the simple,
curative power of exercise.
Copy !req
787. It's God-given.
Copy !req
788. Thank you again.
Copy !req
789. Michael and I used to cycle twice a week
and I've missed it so much.
Copy !req
790. Oh, I enjoyed it.
Copy !req
791. It's been a long time.
Copy !req
792. But it was under protest.
Copy !req
793. - I asked my doctor.
- Really? Still.
Copy !req
794. - Can I ask you another favor?
- Sure.
Copy !req
795. Could you box up Michael's things?
Or find somebody to do it?
Copy !req
796. You sure you want to give them
away so quickly?
Copy !req
797. Not, like, not give it away, just, you know.
Copy !req
798. Just box them up.
It just, you know, I feel...
Copy !req
799. it's just difficult to be around
so many smells and memories, you know?
Copy !req
800. Yeah, I can... I can do it.
Copy !req
801. Okay.
Copy !req
802. Have you decided what's next?
Copy !req
803. Um, the rent's paid for for two months,
so there's no hurry.
Copy !req
804. But I'm gonna stay
with my sister and my brother-in-law.
Copy !req
805. - Hmm, are you?
- Until the baby is born.
Copy !req
806. So you'll relocate there?
Copy !req
807. Yeah, I think so.
Copy !req
808. She contacted an obstetrician.
Copy !req
809. Are we talking pink or blue?
Copy !req
810. - Blue.
- Blue.
Copy !req
811. - Blue! Thanks.
- Ah, congratulations.
Copy !req
812. - That's wonderful.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
813. Oh, hey, I have a question
for you if it's not too painful.
Copy !req
814. Do you think he really
would have harmed someone?
Copy !req
815. Um...
Copy !req
816. He'd been a part of some...
nonviolent protests.
Copy !req
817. We both had. He'd been put in jail.
Copy !req
818. He had a temper.
Copy !req
819. I mean, he'd start yelling at police,
but no, I don't think he was...
Copy !req
820. No. I don't think he was violent.
Copy !req
821. I just, um...
Copy !req
822. I can't help but keep wondering
what I should have done differently.
Copy !req
823. He didn't want to live.
Copy !req
824. He was not a religious man, you know.
Copy !req
825. He didn't care for the church. That was me.
Copy !req
826. I was the one who asked him to come.
Copy !req
827. I was raised in the church
and I never could quite let it go.
Copy !req
828. I'd be in a strange city and I would just go
Copy !req
829. to a church and sit down, you know?
Copy !req
830. I was the spiritual one.
Copy !req
831. Thanks.
Copy !req
832. Yeah, I'll... I'm gonna go get some boxes.
Copy !req
833. - I'll come back for the clothes.
- Okay.
Copy !req
834. Reverend? Um...
Copy !req
835. would you... pray with me?
Copy !req
836. I just... I find it difficult to do it alone.
Copy !req
837. Just, the words just don't come.
Copy !req
838. Are you uncomfortable
with me asking you that?
Copy !req
839. - No. No, no, no. Of course not, yeah.
- Okay.
Copy !req
840. Dear Heavenly Father...
Copy !req
841. we invite you into this room,
into our heart...
Copy !req
842. I held her hand, I spoke,
Copy !req
843. and the words came out of my mouth.
Copy !req
844. "By thy words, you shall be justified
and by thy words, you shall be condemned."
Copy !req
845. I can no longer ignore my health.
Copy !req
846. I have postponed my checkup too often.
Copy !req
847. Yesterday, I could literally barely stand.
Copy !req
848. No, I have not lost my faith.
Copy !req
849. "And the rich man said,
'I will pull down my barns
Copy !req
850. and build greater.'
Copy !req
851. And I will say to my soul,
Copy !req
852. 'take thine ease, eat, drink, and be merry.'
Copy !req
853. But God said unto his disciples,
Copy !req
854. 'take no thought for your life,
Copy !req
855. what ye shall eat.'
Copy !req
856. Neither for the body, what ye shall put on.
Copy !req
857. The life is more than meat,
Copy !req
858. and the body is more than raiment."
Copy !req
859. Thus ends the reading of the Lord.
Praise be God.
Copy !req
860. When did he come back?
Copy !req
861. Well, he was out most of Friday.
Copy !req
862. So he went to Albany for his checkup?
Copy !req
863. I asked him, but he didn't
give me any details.
Copy !req
864. You know how he is.
Copy !req
865. Perhaps I can check.
Copy !req
866. - Esther.
- It's just...
Copy !req
867. I know. I know.
Copy !req
868. - Okay, all right. Bye.
- See you.
Copy !req
869. We'd like to do a gastroscopic exam.
Copy !req
870. We lower a fiber optic camera
down the throat and esophagus
Copy !req
871. and take a look around.
Copy !req
872. It's an outpatient procedure,
local anesthetic.
Copy !req
873. You should be able to leave by midafternoon.
Copy !req
874. Still, that doesn't...
that doesn't sound too good.
Copy !req
875. Well, we'd like to check
for evidence of malignancy.
Copy !req
876. Cancer.
Copy !req
877. Cancer's not the fearsome
medical foe it once was.
Copy !req
878. Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
879. What's the treatment for that?
Copy !req
880. It depends on how far advanced the tumor is.
Copy !req
881. But?
Copy !req
882. You stated you've been
experiencing discomfort.
Copy !req
883. Uh-huh.
Copy !req
884. - Yeah.
- Six months?
Copy !req
885. Well, diet, medication, chemo, even surgery.
Copy !req
886. We have a variety of diagnostic tools.
Copy !req
887. Have you had any bloody stools?
Copy !req
888. Recently?
Copy !req
889. Okay. I'd like to schedule
the gastroscopy as soon as possible.
Copy !req
890. We have an open slot week after next.
Copy !req
891. Okay.
Copy !req
892. What's your diet?
Copy !req
893. My diet? Um...
Copy !req
894. I'm hungry, I eat.
Copy !req
895. - Smoke?
- No.
Copy !req
896. Drink?
Copy !req
897. Mmm, in moderation.
Copy !req
898. That needs to end.
Copy !req
899. I'm gonna call in a prescription to help
with the stomach pain.
Copy !req
900. And I want you to take
nutritional supplements.
Copy !req
901. Okay.
Copy !req
902. Are you in pain now?
Copy !req
903. No, I feel good.
Copy !req
904. We tend to think that anxiety and worry
Copy !req
905. are simply an indication of how wise we are,
Copy !req
906. yet it is a much better indication
Copy !req
907. of how wicked we are.
Copy !req
908. Fretting arises from our determination
to have our own way.
Copy !req
909. Our Lord never worried
Copy !req
910. and was never anxious.
Copy !req
911. - I'll be back in a bit.
- Because His purpose
Copy !req
912. was to accomplish not His own plans...
Copy !req
913. - Reverend?
- Hi, Esther.
Copy !req
914. I didn't know you were coming.
Copy !req
915. Well, Joel's office called.
Copy !req
916. They want to talk to me about
the reconsecration program.
Copy !req
917. Did they talk to you?
Copy !req
918. I'll be at First Reformed.
Copy !req
919. And Stanley will be with
the full choir here for the simulcast.
Copy !req
920. Mm-hmm, nice.
Copy !req
921. The acoustics will be wonderful.
Copy !req
922. - I mean...
- Stop.
Copy !req
923. Really wonderful.
Copy !req
924. Did you hear from Albany?
Copy !req
925. - Yeah, I did.
- Well, what did they say?
Copy !req
926. - Nothing, just some more tests.
- A gastroscopy.
Copy !req
927. And you know this how?
Copy !req
928. I called.
Copy !req
929. - I'm worried about you.
- Leave me alone!
Copy !req
930. - I just want to try...
- I know what you want!
Copy !req
931. All right, and I cannot bear your concern,
your constant hovering, your neediness.
Copy !req
932. You... you're a constant reminder
Copy !req
933. of my own personal inadequacies and failings.
Copy !req
934. You want something that never
was and never will be.
Copy !req
935. - Don't make me do this, 'cause I...
- Esther, Esther, Esther.
Copy !req
936. Pull yourself together, okay?
Copy !req
937. - You don't take care of yourself.
- Look at yourself.
Copy !req
938. I despise you.
Copy !req
939. I despise what you bring out in me.
Copy !req
940. Your concerns are petty.
Copy !req
941. You are a stumbling block.
Copy !req
942. I suddenly feel much better.
Copy !req
943. I awoke early, clearheaded,
and immediately set about my daily tasks.
Copy !req
944. "The nations raged"...
Copy !req
945. "But your wrath came
Copy !req
946. and the time for the dead to be judged.
Copy !req
947. And for rewarding your servants
and prophets and saints
Copy !req
948. and for those who fear your name
Copy !req
949. both small and great.
Copy !req
950. And for destroying
the destroyers of the earth."
Copy !req
951. Revelations 11:18.
Copy !req
952. I have removed the previous pages.
Copy !req
953. They were written in delirium.
Copy !req
954. But I am determined to continue.
Copy !req
955. It's hard to struggle against torpor.
Copy !req
956. I must set pen to paper.
Copy !req
957. Shit.
Copy !req
958. - Oh, hey, Mary.
- Hi. Can I come in?
Copy !req
959. Yeah, of course. Come on in.
Come on, come on.
Copy !req
960. Come in. Do you need anything?
Copy !req
961. Do you want... can I take your coat?
Copy !req
962. - Yeah.
- Hey, are you all right?
Copy !req
963. - Um...
- Let me get this.
Copy !req
964. No.
Copy !req
965. I'm just... I'm really frightened.
Copy !req
966. I'm, like, I'm frightened of everything.
Copy !req
967. I woke up and my heart was pounding
and I thought, like, the roof,
Copy !req
968. the ceiling, was just gonna fall in.
Copy !req
969. - So I had to get out.
- Yeah...
Copy !req
970. And I just drove around and I...
Copy !req
971. I didn't put any makeup on. Sorry.
Copy !req
972. I'm glad you came.
Copy !req
973. Do you want some water or some tea...
Copy !req
974. Without warning...
Copy !req
975. this dark curtain just fell.
Copy !req
976. I'm scared of everything.
Copy !req
977. Well, you did the right thing coming here.
Copy !req
978. I just can't stop my thoughts.
Copy !req
979. They just keep going on and on.
Copy !req
980. They repeat and repeat.
Copy !req
981. Did this ever happen before Michael's death?
Copy !req
982. A little.
Copy !req
983. Yeah, not like this, though.
Copy !req
984. I read online that they used to believe
Copy !req
985. that pregnancy made you happy,
but now they feel like
Copy !req
986. it just makes your feelings more extreme.
Copy !req
987. Michael...
Copy !req
988. he was just really strong.
Copy !req
989. How so?
Copy !req
990. Um, he listened. He was kind.
Copy !req
991. We used to do this thing
called the magical mystery tour.
Copy !req
992. It sounds silly, but, um...
Copy !req
993. we would share a joint
Copy !req
994. and lay on top of each other fully clothed.
Copy !req
995. We would try to get as much
body to body contact as possible.
Copy !req
996. We'd have our hands out and...
Copy !req
997. we would just look straight
into each other's eyes
Copy !req
998. and move them in unison,
like, right, left, right, left.
Copy !req
999. And then we would breathe in rhythm.
Copy !req
1000. You want me to do this?
Copy !req
1001. No. I didn't mean that.
Copy !req
1002. - All right.
- I mean, I...
Copy !req
1003. Yeah. I mean, yeah. I guess,
I... yeah, I guess I did.
Copy !req
1004. Okay.
Copy !req
1005. Uh, show me.
Copy !req
1006. Well... you lay on your back
Copy !req
1007. and with your arms
and your legs stretched out.
Copy !req
1008. Do we need music?
Copy !req
1009. No, we just listen to the breaths.
Copy !req
1010. Just... lie down?
Copy !req
1011. Yeah. And then, yeah.
Copy !req
1012. Go, go, go! Come on, come on, come on!
Copy !req
1013. - There you go, you got it.
- Come on, Benny. Come on, Benny.
Copy !req
1014. Okay, guys, let's all get seated
in the first pew right here.
Copy !req
1015. All the way down.
Copy !req
1016. All right, good job, guys.
Copy !req
1017. Okay, so last week,
we read The Patchwork Path
Copy !req
1018. about the Underground Railroad,
which was not a railroad, but...
Copy !req
1019. - Rosa?
- It was a slave trail.
Copy !req
1020. It was an escape route
from the South to the North.
Copy !req
1021. And this church, First Reformed,
was one of the stops on that route.
Copy !req
1022. Reverend Toller?
Copy !req
1023. Yeah. Slaves fleeing north to Canada
Copy !req
1024. were often helped, fed, hidden
by homes and churches
Copy !req
1025. along this route.
Copy !req
1026. Calvin Verlander was the dominee,
the minister here at First Reformed.
Copy !req
1027. And he was very active
in the Abolitionist Movement.
Copy !req
1028. He assisted in...
Copy !req
1029. No, Ms. Surya, let me try this.
Copy !req
1030. Why don't you all stand up for a second?
Copy !req
1031. Take a look right here.
Copy !req
1032. Do you see one part of wood
that seems different
Copy !req
1033. - than the other part of the wood?
- Yeah!
Copy !req
1034. You all see that, don't you?
Copy !req
1035. But does this seem a little bit
Copy !req
1036. - like a secret door, hmm?
- Yes.
Copy !req
1037. - Yeah, what's your name?
- Benny.
Copy !req
1038. Benny, will you give me a hand?
Copy !req
1039. - Come on over here.
- Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
1040. You see, there used to be a pew over this.
Copy !req
1041. And they would move it
and then they would lift this up.
Copy !req
1042. Can you do it? Help me.
Copy !req
1043. Yes! Oh! Come around, everybody.
Copy !req
1044. Can you hold this up?
Copy !req
1045. Slaves would hide in here.
Sometimes whole families.
Copy !req
1046. Be really careful. All right.
Copy !req
1047. Can you imagine that?
Copy !req
1048. In the dark.
Copy !req
1049. The air hot,
Copy !req
1050. shaking with fear.
Copy !req
1051. The sound of the slave hunter's
horses outside.
Copy !req
1052. On their knees, holding each other's hands,
Copy !req
1053. praying for God to save them?
Copy !req
1054. Do you want me to pack up
anything here in the kitchen?
Copy !req
1055. No, I can get it later. Thanks.
Copy !req
1056. I'd love to meet your sister sometime.
Copy !req
1057. - You wanna come to Buffalo?
- If I'm invited, I'd love to.
Copy !req
1058. - You gonna visit me?
- I would, yeah!
Copy !req
1059. I'd love to meet Michael, Jr.
Copy !req
1060. You've been such a help to me.
Copy !req
1061. My great-grandfather
was a pastor in Muskegon, Michigan.
Copy !req
1062. The Saint of God.
Copy !req
1063. And the bank in town
was a two-story building,
Copy !req
1064. the first building to have an elevator.
Copy !req
1065. And one Monday,
Copy !req
1066. Granddad got the boys all together
Copy !req
1067. and they went into town
to deposit church funds,
Copy !req
1068. as they did every Monday.
Copy !req
1069. And they needed to go talk to the managers.
Copy !req
1070. They got on the elevator
and he had a heart attack.
Copy !req
1071. And he took off his hat.
Copy !req
1072. Apparently, he always wore a hat.
Copy !req
1073. And he took off his hat and he said,
Copy !req
1074. "Boys, take off my shoes.
I'm standing on holy ground."
Copy !req
1075. And then he died.
Copy !req
1076. Somewhere between the first and second floor.
Copy !req
1077. Yeah, I think about that story
when I think about Michael.
Copy !req
1078. 'Cause I believe he was standing
on holy ground when he died.
Copy !req
1079. Thank you.
Copy !req
1080. So I'll see you in Buffalo?
Copy !req
1081. I think I'm gonna go to the reconsecration.
Copy !req
1082. Oh. No, you don't need to do that.
Copy !req
1083. - But I want to.
- Yeah, but it's not necessary.
Copy !req
1084. Yeah, but you've been there for me
and I want to be there for you.
Copy !req
1085. It's very nice of you to offer,
Copy !req
1086. but it's just a bunch of rich guys
patting each other on the back.
Copy !req
1087. - But you're gonna be there.
- But I have to be there.
Copy !req
1088. - So I'm gonna go.
- Please don't come.
Copy !req
1089. Okay? I don't want you to come.
Copy !req
1090. You understand?
Copy !req
1091. Okay.
Copy !req
1092. Right. Have a nice evening.
Copy !req
1093. "Be strong in the Lord
and in His mighty power.
Copy !req
1094. Put on the full armor of God
Copy !req
1095. so that you can take your stand
against the devil's schemes.
Copy !req
1096. For our struggle is not
against flesh and blood
Copy !req
1097. but against the rulers,
against the authorities,
Copy !req
1098. against the powers of this dark world."
Copy !req
1099. Balq Home Products,
makers of paper goods, fertilizers,
Copy !req
1100. everyday items for the household,
Copy !req
1101. was among the first companies
Copy !req
1102. to realize the need
to address environmental concerns.
Copy !req
1103. Sir? Are you joining us?
Copy !req
1104. This unit makes recyclable plastic markers.
Copy !req
1105. Balq has facilities
or production arrangements
Copy !req
1106. with 18 countries around the world.
Copy !req
1107. Today, I stopped. I had Miso and fish.
Copy !req
1108. Such simple pleasures.
Copy !req
1109. Why do we deny ourselves?
Copy !req
1110. Every act of preservation
is an act of creation.
Copy !req
1111. Everything preserved renews creation.
Copy !req
1112. It's how we participate in creation.
Copy !req
1113. I have found another form of prayer.
Copy !req
1114. - Reverend Toller, come on in.
- Hey.
Copy !req
1115. Close the door.
Copy !req
1116. Why don't you take a seat?
Copy !req
1117. We're concerned about you.
Copy !req
1118. Who is?
Copy !req
1119. How's your health?
Copy !req
1120. Well, I'm having some tests.
Copy !req
1121. Hmm? Have you gotten your results?
Copy !req
1122. No. No.
Copy !req
1123. What about your diet?
Copy !req
1124. You know, I'm gonna be honest,
you just don't look so good.
Copy !req
1125. I've had some...
Copy !req
1126. some stomach issues.
Copy !req
1127. And I understand you've been drinking.
Copy !req
1128. Hm. What?
Copy !req
1129. It's just a little wine with dinner.
Copy !req
1130. - Wine?
- Yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
1131. Well...
Copy !req
1132. that's not recommended
for someone who has stomach problems.
Copy !req
1133. I understand, all right?
Copy !req
1134. I'll start taking better care of myself.
Copy !req
1135. You're always in the Garden.
Copy !req
1136. Even Jesus wasn't always in the Garden
Copy !req
1137. on his knees, sweating blood.
Copy !req
1138. He was on the mount.
Copy !req
1139. He was in the marketplace.
He was in the temple.
Copy !req
1140. But you, you're always in the Garden.
Copy !req
1141. For you, every hour is the darkest hour.
Copy !req
1142. I wasn't aware that I had offended.
Copy !req
1143. Jesus doesn't want our suffering.
Copy !req
1144. - He suffered for us.
- Mmm-mmm.
Copy !req
1145. He wants our commitment and our obedience.
Copy !req
1146. And what of His creation?
Copy !req
1147. The Heavens declare the glory of God.
Copy !req
1148. God is present everywhere,
Copy !req
1149. in every plant, every river,
every tiny insect.
Copy !req
1150. The whole world is a manifestation
of his holy presence.
Copy !req
1151. I think this is an issue
where the church can lead.
Copy !req
1152. But they say nothing.
Copy !req
1153. The...
Copy !req
1154. the U.S. Congress
still denies climate change?
Copy !req
1155. Where were we when these people were elected?
Copy !req
1156. The... we know who spoke
for big business. Right?
Copy !req
1157. But who spoke for God?
Copy !req
1158. "The creation waits in eager expectation
of liberation from bondage."
Copy !req
1159. That's Romans 8:23. You understand?
Copy !req
1160. So we should pollute so God can restore?
Copy !req
1161. We should sin so God can forgive?
Copy !req
1162. I don't think that's what the apostle meant.
Copy !req
1163. I think we're supposed to look
Copy !req
1164. with the eyes of Jesus into every living...
Copy !req
1165. You don't live in the real world.
Copy !req
1166. - I...
- You don't.
Copy !req
1167. You are a minister
at a tourist church that no one attends.
Copy !req
1168. Do you have any idea what
it takes to do God's work?
Copy !req
1169. - I'm trying to...
- To maintain a mission of this size?
Copy !req
1170. The staffing, the outreach,
Copy !req
1171. the amount of people that we touch each day.
Copy !req
1172. Who's that priest that you like so much?
Copy !req
1173. - Thomas Merton?
- Thomas Merton.
Copy !req
1174. - He didn't live in the real world either.
- Yes, he did!
Copy !req
1175. - No. He was a monk who lived...
- He would...
Copy !req
1176. in a monastery in Kentucky
and wrote books!
Copy !req
1177. Well, somebody has to do something!
Copy !req
1178. It's the earth that hangs in the balance.
Copy !req
1179. Well what if this is His plan?
What if we just can't see it?
Copy !req
1180. You think God wants to destroy His creation?
Copy !req
1181. He did once. For 40 days and 40 nights.
Copy !req
1182. Look, Abundant Life, we're with you.
Copy !req
1183. Okay, we care.
Copy !req
1184. We do.
Copy !req
1185. And I know this is a hard time for you,
but we're gonna help you with that.
Copy !req
1186. Once we get through
the reconsecration service,
Copy !req
1187. you need to go to rehab.
Copy !req
1188. You need to go check yourself
into a medical institution.
Copy !req
1189. All right, maybe go to Nicaragua
and preach the gospel or build houses
Copy !req
1190. but do something in the real world.
Copy !req
1191. And if you can't do the ceremony,
I'll understand that.
Copy !req
1192. You're expected to be there, but look, we can
just say that you were sick, which is true.
Copy !req
1193. No, it's not... it's not about the ceremony.
Copy !req
1194. All right? I can... I will...
Copy !req
1195. I want to be there. I have to be there.
Copy !req
1196. It's my church. It's 250 years.
Copy !req
1197. I want to be there.
I want to introduce you. Please?
Copy !req
1198. Well, Ed Balq has decided
that he would like to make comments,
Copy !req
1199. so the governor will introduce him.
Copy !req
1200. - Will that be a problem?
- Not at all.
Copy !req
1201. Not at all.
Copy !req
1202. Well, good. Good.
Copy !req
1203. Listen, we'll get
through this reconsecration.
Copy !req
1204. It'll be special.
Copy !req
1205. And then we'll deal with these other issues.
Copy !req
1206. Thank you.
Copy !req
1207. Thanks.
Copy !req
1208. - Where is Reverend Toller?
- I'm not sure, ma'am. Inside.
Copy !req
1209. - Have you seen him?
- No.
Copy !req
1210. - Where is he?
- I don't know.
Copy !req
1211. Toller!
Copy !req
1212. Toller, you in there?
Copy !req
1213. Begin the service.
Copy !req
1214. Ernst?
Copy !req