- 1. I have decided to keep a journal.
- 2. Not in a word program or digital file
but in longhand,
- 3. writing every word out
so that every inflection of penmanship,
- 4. every word chosen, scratched out,
revised, is recorded.
- 5. To set down all my thoughts
and the simple events
- 6. of my day factually
and without hiding anything.
- 7. When writing about oneself,
one should show no mercy.
- 8. I will keep this diary
for one year, 12 months
- 9. and at the end of that time,
it will be destroyed.
- 10. Shredded, then burnt.
The experiment will be over.
- 11. Please rise.
- 12. What is thy only comfort in life and death?
- 13. That I, with body and soul
- 14. both in life and death, am not my own
- 15. but belong unto
my faithful Savior, Jesus Christ.
- 16. Who with his precious blood...
- 17. These thoughts and recollections are
not so different from those I confide
- 18. to God every morning.
- 19. When it is possible.
- 20. When he is listening.
- 21. Bread of life. The cup of salvation.
- 22. The bread of life. The cup of salvation.
- 23. The bread of life. The cup of salvation.
- 24. This journal is a form of speaking...
- 25. of communication from one to the other.
- 26. A communication which can be achieved simply
- 27. and in repose without
prostration or abnegation.
- 28. It is a form of prayer.
- 29. Bread of life. The cup of salvation.
- 30. There is a leak in the men's restroom.
- 31. No, I fixed it.
- 32. No. I was just there. It's still leaking.
Same place. Under the hot faucet.
- 33. - What about the women's room?
- The women's is fine.
- 34. Do you want me to call
the plumber from Abundant Life?
- 35. No, let me have another crack at it.
- 36. I hate always bugging them
for extra little costs.
- 37. They don't mind.
That's what they're there for.
- 38. - And you're totally within your budget.
- Still, I don't want to.
- 39. Have you posted the sermon?
- 40. Yes. I did it this morning.
- 41. - Oh...
- 42. Yes, Mary, right?
- 43. - Mary Mensana.
- Yeah, nice to see you again.
- 44. I wanted to talk, if that's okay.
- 45. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on in, Mary.
- 46. - I'll be right back.
- Mary, how can I help you?
- 47. I was wondering if you would talk
- 48. - to my husband, Michael.
- Oh, sure. I...
- 49. Actually, not now.
He has to... he has to go to work.
- 50. He has to fill in at Home Depot.
- 51. Mary?
- 52. - What is it?
- I'm worried about him.
- 53. He's involved in the Green Planet movement.
- 54. - It's an activist group.
- 55. And he was in jail in Canada.
- 56. And he just got out two weeks ago.
- 57. He just sits around at home.
He doesn't... he doesn't go out.
- 58. I got him to fill out a temp form
for Home... for Home Depot.
- 59. - Okay.
- So that's good.
- 60. Are you sure you don't want
to go to Abundant Life?
- 61. They have a whole team
of counselors over there,
- 62. - who are trained and...
- I know, but he doesn't want to.
- 63. He thinks it's more
of a company than a church.
- 64. And so, he said he would talk to you.
- 65. Uh, all right.
- 66. Tomorrow?
- 67. - After lunch?
- Great. Great.
- 68. I'll just need the... I just need an address.
- 69. And can you tell me a little more?
- 70. Oh, he applied for compassionate release
when he found out.
- 71. He was at Fort Providence.
They let him out early.
- 72. - Wait, now, found out what?
- That I was pregnant.
- 73. Oh. Hmm, congratulations.
- 74. Thanks.
- 75. He thinks it's wrong to bring
a child into this world.
- 76. He wants to kill our baby.
- 77. I assisted Sunday the youth group
at Abundant Life.
- 78. The young people were
so excited, so full of life.
- 79. They were open. They welcomed communion.
- 80. Maybe I shouldn't care about
whether people like me.
- 81. Did Jesus worry about being liked?
- 82. I look at the last lines
I wrote with disdain.
- 83. Twelve months.
- 84. Can I keep up an exercise that long?
- 85. When I read these words,
I see not truth, but pride.
- 86. I wish I had not used the word pride.
- 87. But I cannot cross it out.
- 88. If only I could pray.
- 89. Hi, Reverend.
- 90. - Hi. Is Michael home?
- Yeah. Come on in.
- 91. Okay. Yeah.
- 92. - Hey. Good to see you.
- Nice to see you.
- 93. Um, would you like some coffee?
- 94. - Yes, but, um...
- We're... I think we have some tea.
- 95. Yes. That would be better.
- 96. - Okay.
- 97. Let me take your coat?
- 98. No, it's okay. I got it.
- 99. Come on in.
- 100. - Yeah, I don't know why Mary...
- There's no need to apologize.
- 101. No, she told me
that you've been up in Canada.
- 102. Yeah. Fort Providence.
- 103. It's in the Mackenzie Delta.
It's way in the north.
- 104. Yeah, beautiful country, I imagine.
- 105. Yeah, it is.
- 106. Mary said things have been getting you down?
- 107. Uh, yeah, things.
Yeah, you could say that. Yeah.
- 108. Oh! Thank you very much.
- 109. - It's hot.
- 110. Thank you.
- 111. - So Mary is pregnant.
- 112. - Yeah. How far along is she?
- Twenty weeks.
- 113. - Congratulations.
- 114. Hey, how old are you, Reverend?
- 115. I'm 46.
- 116. Uh, 33.
- 117. That's how old our child will be in 2050.
- 118. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- 119. You know, that's
two years older than I am right now.
- 120. Mm-hmm.
- 121. - You'll be 81.
- 122. Hey, you know what the world
will be like in 2050?
- 123. - Hmm. Hard to imagine.
- Yeah, you think?
- 124. I mean, Reverend,
the world is changing so fast.
- 125. And right in front of us.
- 126. I mean, one-third of the natural world
has been destroyed in your lifetime.
- 127. You know, the earth's temperature
will be three degrees centigrade higher.
- 128. Four is the threshold.
- 129. You know, "Severe, widespread,
and irreversible impacts."
- 130. And when scientists say
stuff like that, you know?
- 131. And National Center
for Atmospheric Research...
- 132. Lawrence Livermore,
Potsdam Institute. Reverend...
- 133. He went on like that for some time.
- 134. By 2050, sea levels two feet
higher on the East Coast.
- 135. Low lying areas underwater across the world.
- 136. Bangladesh, 20% loss of landmass.
- 137. Central Africa, 50% reduction
in crops due to drought.
- 138. The Western reservoirs dried up.
- 139. Climate change. Refugees.
Epidemics. Extreme weather.
- 140. You know, the...
- 141. the bad times, they will begin,
- 142. and from that point,
everything moves very quickly.
- 143. You know, this social structure
can't bear the stress of multiple crises.
- 144. Opportunistic diseases, anarchy,
martial law, the tipping point.
- 145. And this isn't in some, like, distant future.
- 146. You will live to see this.
- 147. You know, my children
will experience this un-livability.
- 148. This, uh...
- 149. Yeah, I'm sorry. I just... you know, I...
- 150. I thought things could change, you know?
- 151. I thought... I thought people would listen.
- 152. Do you have thoughts of harming yourself?
- 153. No.
- 154. Why? Did Mary say something like that?
- 155. No, no.
- 156. No, I'm not worried for myself.
- 157. I just... this world is gonna be what it is.
- 158. - But can I ask you a question, Reverend?
- 159. How do you sanction
bringing in a little girl...
- 160. Uh, for argument's sake,
let's just say that, uh...
- 161. Mary and I's child, it's a little girl.
- 162. You know, a child that's so full of hope...
- 163. and naive beliefs into a world
where that little girl, uh...
- 164. she grows up to be a young woman
and she looks you in the eyes
- 165. and she says that you knew
this all along, didn't you?
- 166. You see, that...
- 167. I mean, what are you supposed to say then?
- 168. There's something growing inside Mary.
- 169. Something as alive as a tree, surely.
- 170. As an endangered species.
- 171. Something full of the beauty
and mystery of nature.
- 172. You said sanction, hmm?
- 173. You think Mary should have an abortion?
- 174. This birth, is that your right?
- 175. Is that your decision?
- 176. Have you asked Mary what she thinks?
- 177. Look, this isn't... it's not about your baby.
- 178. It's not about Mary.
- 179. It's about you...
- 180. and your despair. Your lack of hope.
- 181. Look, people have throughout history
- 182. have woken up in the dead of the night
confronted by blackness.
- 183. The sense that our lives are without meaning.
- 184. The Sickness Unto Death.
- 185. Yeah, but this is something different.
- 186. Yeah, no, man's great achievements
- 187. have brought him to the place
where life as we know it
- 188. may cease in the foreseeable future.
- 189. Yes, that's new.
- 190. But the blackness?
- 191. That's not.
- 192. We're scientific people.
We want to solve things.
- 193. We want rational answers.
- 194. Right? And if humankind can't overcome
- 195. its immediate interests enough to ensure
its own survival, then you're right.
- 196. The only rational response is despair.
- 197. But do you think that
there's any existence apart from this?
- 198. This here, right now?
- 199. - Yes.
- Yeah, right, before us.
- 200. - After us.
- 201. - Yeah,
- Wait, so you're talking about
- 202. the next lifetime? Huh?
- 203. You really... you just, uh...
- 204. I felt like I was Jacob wrestling
all night long with the angel.
- 205. Fighting in the grasp.
- 206. Every sentence, every question,
every response, a mortal struggle.
- 207. It was exhilarating.
- 208. You believe in martyrdom, Reverend?
- 209. I'm not sure I know what you mean.
- 210. You know, the Saints of God?
- 211. The early Christians
who wouldn't renounce their faith?
- 212. The missionaries who were attacked
in the fields of the Lord.
- 213. Do you believe that they died for a purpose?
- 214. - I do.
- Well, every week,
- 215. activists are killed
trying to protect the environment.
- 216. A hundred and seventeen were
killed last year for their beliefs.
- 217. I mean, right there.
- 218. This is José Cláudio Ribeiro da Silva.
- 219. Huh? And that's his wife, Maria.
- 220. Uh... they were... they were gunned down
in 2011 in the Amazon.
- 221. You know, they were protesting
free cutting of the rain forest.
- 222. Hey, this is Dorothy Stang, 2005.
- 223. She was a nun from Ohio.
- 224. And what was the purpose of their death?
- 225. You know, in 2010, the IPCC predicted
- 226. that if drastic action wasn't taken by 2015,
- 227. environmental collapse would be irreversible.
- 228. And nothing was done.
- 229. And now it's 2017.
- 230. You said you respected me.
What I've been through.
- 231. - Yes.
- So you know my story, hmm?
- 232. - Yeah, you were a chaplain.
- 233. My father taught at VMI.
I encouraged my son to enlist.
- 234. It was the family tradition.
- 235. Like his father, my father before me, hmm.
- 236. A patriotic tradition.
- 237. My wife... was very opposed.
- 238. My son enlisted anyway.
- 239. And six months later, he was dead in Iraq.
- 240. Right? I talked my son into a war
that had no moral justification.
- 241. My wife could no longer live with me.
- 242. I left the military.
- 243. I was lost.
- 244. And Reverend Jeffers from Abundant Life,
- 245. he gave me this position
at First Reformed and here I am.
- 246. And Michael, I can promise you...
- 247. that whatever despair you feel
about bringing a child into this world
- 248. cannot equal the despair
of taking a child from it.
- 249. Hey, what was his name?
- 250. Your son?
- 251. Joseph.
- 252. The boy thrown down the well.
- 253. - Yeah, I remember.
- 254. - The dreamer.
- The dreamer, yeah. Yeah.
- 255. And you were able to just go on?
- 256. Courage... is the solution to despair.
- 257. Reason... provides no answers.
- 258. I can't know what the future will bring.
- 259. We have to choose despite uncertainty.
- 260. Wisdom is holding two contradictory truths
in our mind, simultaneously.
- 261. Hope and despair.
- 262. A life without despair
is a life without hope.
- 263. Holding these two ideas
in our head is life itself.
- 264. Are you a drinking man, Reverend?
- 265. - It doesn't help.
- No, I suppose not.
- 266. Can God forgive us?
- 267. For what we've done to this world?
- 268. I don't know.
- 269. Who can know the mind of God?
- 270. But we can choose...
- 271. a righteous life.
- 272. Belief.
- 273. Forgiveness.
- 274. Grace covers us all.
- 275. I believe that.
- 276. Let's meet again.
- 277. Want to?
- 278. Tomorrow after lunch, same time.
- 279. Okay, yeah. It's a... it's a plan.
- 280. I went over everything that was said,
what should have been said,
- 281. what could have been said differently,
- 282. what could have been said better.
- 283. "I know that nothing can change
and I know there is no hope."
- 284. Thomas Merton wrote this.
- 285. "Despair is a development of pride so great
- 286. that it chooses one's certitude
- 287. rather than admit God
is more creative than we are."
- 288. Perhaps it's better I didn't say that to him.
- 289. Who am I to talk about pride?
- 290. Well, to begin, the church
was constructed in 1767
- 291. in a style we now call Dutch colonial.
- 292. It was made by settlers... follow me...
using local timber.
- 293. First Reformed took seven years to build.
- 294. The Vei Plancks.
- 295. Effie here, her tombstone dates back to 1787.
- 296. The church was partially rebuilt
in 1837 following a fire.
- 297. This section remains preserved.
- 298. If you look closely behind
the Continental Army flag,
- 299. you'll find two bullet holes
- 300. from shots fired during
the Skirmish of Snowbridge.
- 301. In two months we're celebrating
our 250th anniversary.
- 302. Here is an example of some
of the church's chinaware
- 303. brought over from the Netherlands.
- 304. And the first chalice. It's beautiful.
- 305. And here, this is the original key
from the front door before the fire.
- 306. Isn't that neat? Yeah.
- 307. And in that cabinet we have
souvenirs that are for sale.
- 308. We have mugs, caps, postcards,
key chains, pens, t-shirts.
- 309. What size are these?
- 310. Unfortunately, they are all small.
- 311. I have some more on order,
but I'm waiting for them to come in.
- 312. The caps are great, though.
- 313. It's a one-size-fits-all.
- 314. The pulpit was donated in 1879
by William Mercer.
- 315. And the church organ,
- 316. which unfortunately
isn't working at this time,
- 317. was manufactured in England by A.G. Hill.
- 318. Did you hear the one about
the choir mistress and the minister?
- 319. - No.
- She chased him
- 320. around the church
and caught him by the organ.
- 321. Huh. Oh, no, I hadn't heard that one.
- 322. All right, come on. Follow me.
- 323. All right, thank you all very much.
- 324. - Be well.
- Thank you.
- 325. Yeah, thanks a lot.
- 326. Drive safe.
- 327. Thanks.
- 328. Okay, take five.
- 329. - Penny for your thoughts?
- Oh, Joel wanted to talk to me.
- 330. - Nothing serious, I hope.
- Oh, I assume not.
- 331. You want to have lunch?
- 332. Well, I have something after but yeah,
I could sit with you for a second.
- 333. Oh, remember that?
- 334. What?
- 335. When everything was ahead of you.
- 336. Yeah. But try telling them that.
- 337. See you then.
- 338. Hello.
- 339. - Reverend Toller.
- 340. - Oh, go right in.
- 341. He's expecting you.
- 342. Um, this is... that's my wife's stuff, so.
- 343. Go ahead and deal with it.
- 344. Oh, good! Reverend Toller. Come on in.
- 345. Roger, make sure you get back to me
as soon as you can on that.
- 346. - Hey, Reverend.
- Good seeing you.
- 347. Why don't you have a seat there?
- 348. Roger, okay to leave that door open.
- 349. - Can I get you a water or anything?
- Oh, no, I'm good, I'm good.
- 350. - So how are things over at First Reformed?
- Oh, busy. You know how it is.
- 351. You do one thing to the other,
next thing you know it's Sunday again.
- 352. Yeah, tell me about it.
- 353. Well, I brought you in, I wanted to ask you
about the 250th reconsecration.
- 354. Now, that's just around the corner.
- 355. Yeah, of course. It's only eight weeks away.
- 356. And how's the planning going on that?
- 357. Well, your office is handling the invitations
- 358. and I'm a little worried about seating.
- 359. I mean, because we have your staff,
we have the elders, we have the deacons.
- 360. We have the governor, his people.
The mayor, his people.
- 361. We don't have any room for spillover.
- 362. You know, it's the sanctuary and that's it.
- 363. You know what, I think we'll simulcast
the ceremony here, in the main room.
- 364. - All right.
- So that's 5,000 seats.
- 365. Yeah, okay. Well, then...
- 366. We can do the reception in the rotunda.
- 367. The organ at First Reformed.
- 368. - Is that fixed?
- Yeah, no, it's not.
- 369. We're waiting on some pieces.
- 370. I don't... it was... it's just more
complicated than we thought at first.
- 371. Well, we can't have a reconsecration
without an organ.
- 372. "A Mighty Fortress is our God."
- 373. That's all organ.
- 374. Did you know that
Martin Luther wrote that in an outhouse?
- 375. Oh, yeah.
- 376. "A Mighty Fortress"...
- 377. I think every seminarian knows that one.
- 378. Oh, man, I cannot get
that image out of my mind.
- 379. I mean, whenever I see that song going on,
and I can look around the congregation
- 380. and know everybody's thinking the same thing.
- 381. This man, oh, goodness. Oh, makes me laugh.
- 382. Anyway, have you prepared your remarks?
- 383. Oh, no. Not yet, but I will.
- 384. - So how are you?
- Oh, I'm fine.
- 385. No, really.
- 386. I mean, it's been awhile since we've talked.
- 387. And you know, even a pastor needs a pastor.
- 388. We should do it, okay?
- 389. I'd like that.
- 390. Good. And come by here more often.
- 391. You should get out.
Come on by and be a part of things.
- 392. So many activities you can do, and...
- 393. - And the kids like you a lot.
- 394. They always speak highly of you.
- 395. So you can get out of that...
what is the play?
- 396. What do they like to call it
over where you are?
- 397. - The museum.
- The souvenir shop.
- 398. They call it the souvenir shop.
- 399. Well, good. Well, good.
You're doing a great job.
- 400. I'm grateful for the opportunity.
- 401. How was Jeffers?
- 402. Oh, he wants me to meet Ed Balq.
- 403. Balq Industries, Balq Energy,
Balq Paper, Balq Peanuts...
- 404. Why?
- 405. Well, it's all about the reconsecration.
- 406. And apparently Mr. Balq wants
to make sure he gets
- 407. proper credit for underwriting
the whole thing.
- 408. Well, he should.
- 409. First Reformed would be a parking lot
if it wasn't for him.
- 410. I guess.
- 411. Did you see the doctor?
- 412. Yes, I made an appointment.
- 413. There was a bit of a hang up
with the insurance company, but...
- 414. God, they make it so difficult.
- 415. - Yeah, well, that's what they do.
- 416. You need someone to take care of you.
- 417. Esther, we tried that. I'm not made for that.
- 418. For what? Love?
You're not made for love?
- 419. My marriage was a failure.
- 420. No marriage can survive the loss of a child.
- 421. It's not right.
- 422. Is that what you think?
- 423. That what we did together was a sin?
- 424. - That we transgressed?
- No, that's not what I think.
- 425. I've seen enough real sin
to know the difference. It's just...
- 426. Okay?
- 427. Okay.
- 428. I understand, I...
- 429. I care about you. I want you to be happy.
- 430. Well, I am happy.
- 431. Some are called for their gregariousness.
- 432. Some are called for their suffering.
- 433. Others are called for their loneliness.
- 434. They are called by God
- 435. because through the vessel of communication,
- 436. they can reach out
- 437. and hold beating hearts in their hands.
- 438. They are called because
of their all-consuming knowledge
- 439. of the emptiness of all things
- 440. that can only be filled
by the presence of our Savior.
- 441. - Yes?
- Reverend Toller?
- 442. - Oh!
- It's me.
- 443. Yes, Mary?
- 444. I got your message about rescheduling.
- 445. You must come over. Now.
- 446. - Is Michael there?
- No, he's at work.
- 447. - You must come over now.
- Okay. Okay.
- 448. Thanks for coming.
- 449. Follow me.
- 450. I was looking for some batteries
'cause we were out.
- 451. And I thought maybe
there'd be some in here, you know?
- 452. And then something just didn't seem right.
- 453. Okay, I put everything back
the way I found it,
- 454. 'cause I wanted you to see how it was.
- 455. Explosives?
- 456. It's a suicide vest.
- 457. And there's other elements in there, too.
- 458. There's batteries and detonators
and tubes of jelly.
- 459. You know, he'd been working
in the garage lately,
- 460. and he said he was fixing a motor.
- 461. And I didn't question him.
- 462. 'Cause I was just happy
- 463. that he was doing something
that made him happy.
- 464. But you had no idea
that he was thinking of...
- 465. No, no suspicions. Nothing like this.
- 466. All right, well,
I'm gonna take this, all right?
- 467. This cannot remain here.
- 468. I'm gonna take it and dispose of it. And...
- 469. You're not gonna go to the police?
- 470. No, I won't... do you... do you want me to?
- 471. - No! No, no, no.
- I don't think it'd help.
- 472. I don't think anything good
- 473. will come from him feeling threatened.
- 474. I'm gonna come over tomorrow. Tomorrow.
- 475. Somehow, through conversation,
I will address this.
- 476. I'm so frightened.
- 477. You don't mean
that he... you're afraid of him?
- 478. - That he's gonna hurt you, right?
- 479. - No, no, no. I'm afraid for him.
- No? Okay, all right.
- 480. You know, are there other activists,
- 481. - like, coming around, calling?
- No. There's nobody.
- 482. He has no friends.
He's barely even sociable, so.
- 483. All right, but he has you.
- 484. - Yeah.
- You'll stand by him?
- 485. - Yeah, absolutely.
- All right. Well, so will I.
- 486. Discernment intersects
with Christian life at every moment.
- 487. Discernment.
- 488. Listening and waiting for God's wish
what action must be taken.
- 489. My petty ailments have made me bad-tempered.
- 490. I fight the urge not to write down
the thoughts which come to my mind.
- 491. The desire to pray itself
is a type of prayer.
- 492. How often we ask for genuine experience
when all we really want is emotion.
- 493. My hands shake as I write these lines.
- 494. I wasn't expecting you
for another couple of weeks.
- 495. We got a message from the boss.
- 496. He said it was a top priority.
- 497. You're having some kind of big event here?
- 498. Yeah, the church is having
its 250th anniversary.
- 499. Abundant Life is planning quite the ceremony.
- 500. Hmm. "A Mighty Fortress."
- 501. Jesus.
- 502. My God.
- 503. Yeah, see that?
- 504. I mean, he had been fighting with depression.
- 505. That's why I was supposed to meet him.
- 506. I never imagined anything like this.
- 507. Were you in touch with the immediate family?
- 508. Well, his wife, Mary.
- 509. She's the one who first
asked me to meet with him.
- 510. Did she know about your text?
- 511. No, but she was concerned. We both were.
- 512. Hmm. Have you notified her?
- 513. - No.
- I guess that's where I'm headed.
- 514. All right. Okay.
- 515. All right, do you mind
if I follow behind you?
- 516. - All right.
- I knew his father.
- 517. - Really? What's he like?
- A businessman.
- 518. Morbid son of a bitch.
I guess it runs in the blood.
- 519. Thank you, Reverend.
- 520. Mrs. Mensana, hey again,
I'm sorry for your loss.
- 521. If there's anything else that
we can do, please let us know.
- 522. - Thanks.
- Thank you, Reverend.
- 523. Thank you.
- 524. You didn't tell the police, right?
- 525. About?
- 526. No.
- 527. No.
- 528. If you find anything else...
- 529. like that, get rid of it.
- 530. As long as it's safe, I mean.
Burn it, bury it.
- 531. Michael was troubled but his cause was just.
- 532. There's no reason to bring
disrepute on that cause.
- 533. Are you an activist as well?
- 534. I share Michael's beliefs.
- 535. But not his despair. I mean, I wanna live.
- 536. - I wanna be a mother.
- 537. I wanna have this child.
- 538. Do you have family nearby?
- 539. My... yeah, my sister. She's in Buffalo.
- 540. - You might want to call her.
- I will.
- 541. So he went into the garage?
- 542. Yeah.
- 543. What did he say?
- 544. Nothing.
- 545. Well, from a police point of view,
- 546. I imagine this is
a pretty cut-and-dried case.
- 547. Still, I'd probably clean up the office,
maybe get rid of his laptop.
- 548. You...
- 549. Open it.
- 550. I'd sensed it.
- 551. What?
- 552. He was absent.
- 553. He was becoming someone I didn't know.
- 554. Like, before I was pregnant even.
- 555. And he was just so full of anger, you know?
- 556. Yeah, I should probably call my parents.
- 557. My sister.
- 558. They should... they should know.
- 559. I stayed while she called her sister.
- 560. Her sister was going to drive down
- 561. and her parents would come
for the final rights.
- 562. Hey, Bill. Chicken or beef?
- 563. - Beef.
- Beef. Okay, great.
- 564. How've you been?
- 565. - I'm all right. Yeah.
- You okay?
- 566. - Is that enough for you?
- Thanks a lot, Reverend.
- 567. Did you want the chicken or the beef?
- 568. - Uh, the beef, thank you.
- Beef? Yeah.
- 569. There you are. Careful, it's hot.
- 570. Reverend, I wanted to ask you...
- 571. Oh, sh...
- 572. Damn, I'm sorry, Joseph! I'm so sorry.
- 573. Terrible night.
- 574. No sooner than I shut my eyes,
desolation came upon me.
- 575. What is one's last thought
as you pull the trigger?
- 576. "There goes my head."
- 577. Or, "Jesus, watch over me."
- 578. Or neither?
- 579. I'm going to tear these pages out.
- 580. This journal brings me no peace.
- 581. It's self-pity. Nothing more.
- 582. I awoke at 3:00 with a cry.
- 583. It's been five months
since I sensed the first warning signs.
- 584. I went into the church
and fell asleep on a bench.
- 585. How easily they talk about prayer,
- 586. those who have never really prayed.
- 587. Excuse me?
- 588. Oh, my goodness!
- 589. Well, since I made my commitment,
I have felt the Lord moving in my life.
- 590. If happiness came in pill size,
it would have JC stamped on it.
- 591. Continuous release size.
- 592. I wake up feeling better.
- 593. My relationships are better
and I got a raise last week.
- 594. I find myself in prayer
without even thinking about it.
- 595. Thank you, Jason. That is very inspiring.
- 596. Praise Jesus. My every breath is a prayer.
- 597. Thoughts? Reactions? Yes? Cynthia.
- 598. Three months ago, my father got laid off.
- 599. He can't find any work.
- 600. Nobody loves the Lord more than my father.
- 601. He is always testifying, he volunteers.
- 602. Did he do something wrong?
- 603. You all know Reverend Toller
from First Reformed.
- 604. - Hello.
- Hey, yeah. Hi. Yeah.
- 605. How do you answer this, Reverend?
- 606. Well, Cynthia, I'm sorry
that happened to your father.
- 607. There's a lot of church people,
good Christians, who see a connection
- 608. between godliness and prosperity.
- 609. But that's not what Jesus teaches.
- 610. That's not what Jesus lived.
- 611. There's no dollar sign on His pulpit.
- 612. There's no American flag either.
- 613. I think, Cynthia, what your father
is experiencing is...
- 614. Christians shouldn't succeed.
- 615. That's what he means.
Christianity is for losers?
- 616. Jake, Jake!
- 617. I just get tired of turn the other cheek.
- 618. Jesus didn't turn the other cheek.
- 619. Why stand for anything?
- 620. Take prayer out of the schools.
- 621. Give money to people too lazy to work for it.
- 622. And whatever you do,
don't offend the Muslims.
- 623. I mean, no sooner do I mention the poor,
- 624. and this teenager jumps down my throat
- 625. like I just took a shit on the American flag.
- 626. Forgive my language. Oh, God!
- 627. I know. Roger told me.
- 628. He was great. He was terrific.
He's a good man.
- 629. Well, he said you kept your cool
- 630. and he admired you for that.
- 631. There's just no middle ground
with these kids.
- 632. Everything is so extreme.
- 633. It's the times. These are frightening times.
- 634. These kids, they grow up in a world
- 635. that you and I, we wouldn't even recognize.
- 636. Global warming, a sea of pornography,
- 637. hyper violent video games.
- 638. It's a world without privacy.
- 639. Each kid isolated, communicating on media.
- 640. It's a world without hope!
- 641. You don't know what it's like
to raise a kid in this...
- 642. No, I did raise a kid.
- 643. - I didn't mean it like that.
- I know you didn't.
- 644. They're just frightened.
- 645. - These kids, they want certainty.
- 646. You know, don't think: follow.
- 647. But they fall prey to extremism.
- 648. Jihadism is everywhere.
- 649. Even here.
- 650. It's just... that's not
the church that called me.
- 651. Nor me.
- 652. It's up to us. We have to listen and guide
- 653. and encourage our young members
to express themselves
- 654. without judging them.
- 655. We have to lead by example.
- 656. We have to be patient.
- 657. Oh, this sounds great. I'm gonna have to
sharpen my chops for the reconsecration.
- 658. Do you know what they want to play?
- 659. No, I have no idea.
Abundant Life is handling everything.
- 660. Invites, the seating.
- 661. Basically, I just introduce Joel.
- 662. And then he does his spiel,
introduces the governor, maybe Ed Balq.
- 663. - Oh, why him?
- It's sort of his whole deal.
- 664. I mean, he's underwritten the whole thing,
paid to have the organ fixed.
- 665. I do have another...
- 666. - Oh, take it from the top.
- ... musical question for you.
- 667. It's actually
a... kind of sad bit of business.
- 668. - Hmm?
- The Michael Mensana memorial.
- 669. The scattering of his ashes.
He's asked me to arrange it.
- 670. He's asked you?
- 671. Well, he wrote a letter.
He had some requests.
- 672. Then the Lord spoke to Job,
- 673. stepped from the storm.
- 674. He said, "Where were you
when I laid the earth's foundations,
- 675. marked out its dimensions,
laid its cornerstone?
- 676. When the morning stars sang,
- 677. and the angels
shouted with joy, where were you?"
- 678. These surroundings were chosen by Michael
- 679. as the repository for his physical remains.
- 680. I say physical because his memories
- 681. and spirit live on with us,
- 682. as does his mission.
- 683. Michael cared about this world.
- 684. Perhaps too much.
- 685. The Abundant Life youth choir
will now sing for us
- 686. a song chosen by Michael.
- 687. - I'm good.
- All right.
- 688. - Mr. Balq!
- 689. - Hello!
- How are you?
- 690. - Very good, very good.
- Good, good, good.
- 691. Hey. Sorry I'm late. I got... I got held up.
- 692. Oh, good. You know Reverend Toller, right?
- 693. Well, only by sight. Ed Balq.
- 694. - Good to meet you.
- It's nice to meet you.
- 695. Just bring me a coffee
- 696. - and the apple pie, all right?
- Okay. Thank you.
- 697. The apple pie.
- 698. I know it's a cliché
but they make it right here.
- 699. It's organic. It's local.
- 700. I have a surprise for you.
- 701. I stopped by the printer on the way over.
- 702. Oh.
- 703. Oh, nice. Nice. They did a great job.
- 704. Yeah, all the guests
at the reconsecration will get a copy.
- 705. And then there will also be a mailing.
- 706. And of course it will be
available at the bookstore.
- 707. So how are the plans coming?
- 708. Is the organ repaired?
- 709. Oh, yeah. It sounds beautiful.
Better than ever.
- 710. Okay. We drew up a little seating chart.
- 711. Now, Mayor Wilson will be there,
- 712. as well as the governor.
- 713. Well, at least he's going to try...
- 714. All of those mighty men of God,
- 715. servants of the cross.
- 716. Years of service, baptisms,
confessions, funerals, sermons.
- 717. The hours in prayer,
- 718. the afflictions suffered.
- 719. Did God give them strength?
- 720. Reverend Toller will introduce me.
- 721. I'll go up, I'll introduce the governor.
- 722. There'll be a song selection.
Now, the main...
- 723. There won't be anything
political though, will there?
- 724. No. No, why would there be?
- 725. Well... oh, sorry. Do you mind?
- 726. Here you are.
- 727. - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- 728. - Well, I ask...
- 729. only 'cause this came to my attention.
- 730. It's a printout from a website.
- 731. Well, both First Reformed
and Abundant Life are mentioned by name.
- 732. It was a political event.
A Neil Young protest song?
- 733. I was just respecting the wishes
of the deceased and his widow.
- 734. It was their instructions
for the memorial service.
- 735. At a toxic waste site
with the press in attendance?
- 736. There was no press invited.
- 737. No, this is just Mensana's friends.
- 738. It was a political act.
- 739. And you and the choir represented
the Abundant Life Church.
- 740. And the Hanstown site,
by the way, isn't even polluted.
- 741. It was cleaned up with EPA superfunds.
- 742. - Well, Hanstown...
- No, no, of course not,
- 743. but just give me some credit, all right?
I'm in the energy business.
- 744. It's my business to stay informed.
- 745. Look, sorry.
- 746. Reverend Toller didn't understand
the implications here.
- 747. - May I ask a question?
- Yeah, go ahead.
- 748. Will God forgive us?
- 749. Will God forgive us for what
we're doing to his creation?
- 750. That's what Mensana asked me
when I visited him.
- 751. This... there's been a lot of loose talk
about environmental change.
- 752. There is scientific consensus.
- 753. The man who says nothing
always seems more intelligent.
- 754. Why couldn't I just keep silent?
- 755. It's a complicated subject.
- 756. Not really.
- 757. I mean, who benefits?
- 758. Cui bono? Who profits?
- 759. That's what I keep asking myself.
- 760. Besides the Biblical call to stewardship,
who profits when we soil our own nest?
- 761. - What's to be gained...
- Can we just agree to keep politics
- 762. out of the reconsecration service?
- 763. - Yes.
- Yeah, but this isn't politics.
- 764. - I mean, what God wants is for...
- Oh, you know the mind of God?
- 765. You spoke to Him, personally?
- 766. He told you His plans for Earth?
- 767. Look, I understand, you're upset.
- 768. I mean, you found the body, correct?
- 769. Yes.
- 770. How?
- 771. I was supposed to meet him.
- 772. And he texted me and... a change of location.
- 773. And?
- 774. And I went there and he was dead.
- 775. So you counseled him, Reverend?
- 776. Yes.
- 777. You counseled him, then he shot himself?
- 778. Ed?
- 779. Yes.
- 780. Well, I think you need
to step back, Reverend,
- 781. and take a look at your own life
before you criticize others.
- 782. Hmm?
- 783. Mary and I rode the park trail.
- 784. I had not ridden a bicycle,
I think, in 20 years.
- 785. I was afraid I would fall.
- 786. It's amazing the simple,
curative power of exercise.
- 787. It's God-given.
- 788. Thank you again.
- 789. Michael and I used to cycle twice a week
and I've missed it so much.
- 790. Oh, I enjoyed it.
- 791. It's been a long time.
- 792. But it was under protest.
- 793. - I asked my doctor.
- Really? Still.
- 794. - Can I ask you another favor?
- 795. Could you box up Michael's things?
Or find somebody to do it?
- 796. You sure you want to give them
away so quickly?
- 797. Not, like, not give it away, just, you know.
- 798. Just box them up.
It just, you know, I feel...
- 799. it's just difficult to be around
so many smells and memories, you know?
- 800. Yeah, I can... I can do it.
- 801. Okay.
- 802. Have you decided what's next?
- 803. Um, the rent's paid for for two months,
so there's no hurry.
- 804. But I'm gonna stay
with my sister and my brother-in-law.
- 805. - Hmm, are you?
- Until the baby is born.
- 806. So you'll relocate there?
- 807. Yeah, I think so.
- 808. She contacted an obstetrician.
- 809. Are we talking pink or blue?
- 810. - Blue.
- 811. - Blue! Thanks.
- Ah, congratulations.
- 812. - That's wonderful.
- 813. Oh, hey, I have a question
for you if it's not too painful.
- 814. Do you think he really
would have harmed someone?
- 815. Um...
- 816. He'd been a part of some...
- 817. We both had. He'd been put in jail.
- 818. He had a temper.
- 819. I mean, he'd start yelling at police,
but no, I don't think he was...
- 820. No. I don't think he was violent.
- 821. I just, um...
- 822. I can't help but keep wondering
what I should have done differently.
- 823. He didn't want to live.
- 824. He was not a religious man, you know.
- 825. He didn't care for the church. That was me.
- 826. I was the one who asked him to come.
- 827. I was raised in the church
and I never could quite let it go.
- 828. I'd be in a strange city and I would just go
- 829. to a church and sit down, you know?
- 830. I was the spiritual one.
- 831. Thanks.
- 832. Yeah, I'll... I'm gonna go get some boxes.
- 833. - I'll come back for the clothes.
- 834. Reverend? Um...
- 835. would you... pray with me?
- 836. I just... I find it difficult to do it alone.
- 837. Just, the words just don't come.
- 838. Are you uncomfortable
with me asking you that?
- 839. - No. No, no, no. Of course not, yeah.
- 840. Dear Heavenly Father...
- 841. we invite you into this room,
into our heart...
- 842. I held her hand, I spoke,
- 843. and the words came out of my mouth.
- 844. "By thy words, you shall be justified
and by thy words, you shall be condemned."
- 845. I can no longer ignore my health.
- 846. I have postponed my checkup too often.
- 847. Yesterday, I could literally barely stand.
- 848. No, I have not lost my faith.
- 849. "And the rich man said,
'I will pull down my barns
- 850. and build greater.'
- 851. And I will say to my soul,
- 852. 'take thine ease, eat, drink, and be merry.'
- 853. But God said unto his disciples,
- 854. 'take no thought for your life,
- 855. what ye shall eat.'
- 856. Neither for the body, what ye shall put on.
- 857. The life is more than meat,
- 858. and the body is more than raiment."
- 859. Thus ends the reading of the Lord.
Praise be God.
- 860. When did he come back?
- 861. Well, he was out most of Friday.
- 862. So he went to Albany for his checkup?
- 863. I asked him, but he didn't
give me any details.
- 864. You know how he is.
- 865. Perhaps I can check.
- 866. - Esther.
- It's just...
- 867. I know. I know.
- 868. - Okay, all right. Bye.
- See you.
- 869. We'd like to do a gastroscopic exam.
- 870. We lower a fiber optic camera
down the throat and esophagus
- 871. and take a look around.
- 872. It's an outpatient procedure,
- 873. You should be able to leave by midafternoon.
- 874. Still, that doesn't...
that doesn't sound too good.
- 875. Well, we'd like to check
for evidence of malignancy.
- 876. Cancer.
- 877. Cancer's not the fearsome
medical foe it once was.
- 878. Mm-hmm.
- 879. What's the treatment for that?
- 880. It depends on how far advanced the tumor is.
- 881. But?
- 882. You stated you've been
- 883. Uh-huh.
- 884. - Yeah.
- Six months?
- 885. Well, diet, medication, chemo, even surgery.
- 886. We have a variety of diagnostic tools.
- 887. Have you had any bloody stools?
- 888. Recently?
- 889. Okay. I'd like to schedule
the gastroscopy as soon as possible.
- 890. We have an open slot week after next.
- 891. Okay.
- 892. What's your diet?
- 893. My diet? Um...
- 894. I'm hungry, I eat.
- 895. - Smoke?
- 896. Drink?
- 897. Mmm, in moderation.
- 898. That needs to end.
- 899. I'm gonna call in a prescription to help
with the stomach pain.
- 900. And I want you to take
- 901. Okay.
- 902. Are you in pain now?
- 903. No, I feel good.
- 904. We tend to think that anxiety and worry
- 905. are simply an indication of how wise we are,
- 906. yet it is a much better indication
- 907. of how wicked we are.
- 908. Fretting arises from our determination
to have our own way.
- 909. Our Lord never worried
- 910. and was never anxious.
- 911. - I'll be back in a bit.
- Because His purpose
- 912. was to accomplish not His own plans...
- 913. - Reverend?
- Hi, Esther.
- 914. I didn't know you were coming.
- 915. Well, Joel's office called.
- 916. They want to talk to me about
the reconsecration program.
- 917. Did they talk to you?
- 918. I'll be at First Reformed.
- 919. And Stanley will be with
the full choir here for the simulcast.
- 920. Mm-hmm, nice.
- 921. The acoustics will be wonderful.
- 922. - I mean...
- 923. Really wonderful.
- 924. Did you hear from Albany?
- 925. - Yeah, I did.
- Well, what did they say?
- 926. - Nothing, just some more tests.
- A gastroscopy.
- 927. And you know this how?
- 928. I called.
- 929. - I'm worried about you.
- Leave me alone!
- 930. - I just want to try...
- I know what you want!
- 931. All right, and I cannot bear your concern,
your constant hovering, your neediness.
- 932. You... you're a constant reminder
- 933. of my own personal inadequacies and failings.
- 934. You want something that never
was and never will be.
- 935. - Don't make me do this, 'cause I...
- Esther, Esther, Esther.
- 936. Pull yourself together, okay?
- 937. - You don't take care of yourself.
- Look at yourself.
- 938. I despise you.
- 939. I despise what you bring out in me.
- 940. Your concerns are petty.
- 941. You are a stumbling block.
- 942. I suddenly feel much better.
- 943. I awoke early, clearheaded,
and immediately set about my daily tasks.
- 944. "The nations raged"...
- 945. "But your wrath came
- 946. and the time for the dead to be judged.
- 947. And for rewarding your servants
and prophets and saints
- 948. and for those who fear your name
- 949. both small and great.
- 950. And for destroying
the destroyers of the earth."
- 951. Revelations 11:18.
- 952. I have removed the previous pages.
- 953. They were written in delirium.
- 954. But I am determined to continue.
- 955. It's hard to struggle against torpor.
- 956. I must set pen to paper.
- 957. Shit.
- 958. - Oh, hey, Mary.
- Hi. Can I come in?
- 959. Yeah, of course. Come on in.
Come on, come on.
- 960. Come in. Do you need anything?
- 961. Do you want... can I take your coat?
- 962. - Yeah.
- Hey, are you all right?
- 963. - Um...
- Let me get this.
- 964. No.
- 965. I'm just... I'm really frightened.
- 966. I'm, like, I'm frightened of everything.
- 967. I woke up and my heart was pounding
and I thought, like, the roof,
- 968. the ceiling, was just gonna fall in.
- 969. - So I had to get out.
- 970. And I just drove around and I...
- 971. I didn't put any makeup on. Sorry.
- 972. I'm glad you came.
- 973. Do you want some water or some tea...
- 974. Without warning...
- 975. this dark curtain just fell.
- 976. I'm scared of everything.
- 977. Well, you did the right thing coming here.
- 978. I just can't stop my thoughts.
- 979. They just keep going on and on.
- 980. They repeat and repeat.
- 981. Did this ever happen before Michael's death?
- 982. A little.
- 983. Yeah, not like this, though.
- 984. I read online that they used to believe
- 985. that pregnancy made you happy,
but now they feel like
- 986. it just makes your feelings more extreme.
- 987. Michael...
- 988. he was just really strong.
- 989. How so?
- 990. Um, he listened. He was kind.
- 991. We used to do this thing
called the magical mystery tour.
- 992. It sounds silly, but, um...
- 993. we would share a joint
- 994. and lay on top of each other fully clothed.
- 995. We would try to get as much
body to body contact as possible.
- 996. We'd have our hands out and...
- 997. we would just look straight
into each other's eyes
- 998. and move them in unison,
like, right, left, right, left.
- 999. And then we would breathe in rhythm.
- 1000. You want me to do this?
- 1001. No. I didn't mean that.
- 1002. - All right.
- I mean, I...
- 1003. Yeah. I mean, yeah. I guess,
I... yeah, I guess I did.
- 1004. Okay.
- 1005. Uh, show me.
- 1006. Well... you lay on your back
- 1007. and with your arms
and your legs stretched out.
- 1008. Do we need music?
- 1009. No, we just listen to the breaths.
- 1010. Just... lie down?
- 1011. Yeah. And then, yeah.
- 1012. Go, go, go! Come on, come on, come on!
- 1013. - There you go, you got it.
- Come on, Benny. Come on, Benny.
- 1014. Okay, guys, let's all get seated
in the first pew right here.
- 1015. All the way down.
- 1016. All right, good job, guys.
- 1017. Okay, so last week,
we read The Patchwork Path
- 1018. about the Underground Railroad,
which was not a railroad, but...
- 1019. - Rosa?
- It was a slave trail.
- 1020. It was an escape route
from the South to the North.
- 1021. And this church, First Reformed,
was one of the stops on that route.
- 1022. Reverend Toller?
- 1023. Yeah. Slaves fleeing north to Canada
- 1024. were often helped, fed, hidden
by homes and churches
- 1025. along this route.
- 1026. Calvin Verlander was the dominee,
the minister here at First Reformed.
- 1027. And he was very active
in the Abolitionist Movement.
- 1028. He assisted in...
- 1029. No, Ms. Surya, let me try this.
- 1030. Why don't you all stand up for a second?
- 1031. Take a look right here.
- 1032. Do you see one part of wood
that seems different
- 1033. - than the other part of the wood?
- 1034. You all see that, don't you?
- 1035. But does this seem a little bit
- 1036. - like a secret door, hmm?
- 1037. - Yeah, what's your name?
- 1038. Benny, will you give me a hand?
- 1039. - Come on over here.
- 1040. You see, there used to be a pew over this.
- 1041. And they would move it
and then they would lift this up.
- 1042. Can you do it? Help me.
- 1043. Yes! Oh! Come around, everybody.
- 1044. Can you hold this up?
- 1045. Slaves would hide in here.
Sometimes whole families.
- 1046. Be really careful. All right.
- 1047. Can you imagine that?
- 1048. In the dark.
- 1049. The air hot,
- 1050. shaking with fear.
- 1051. The sound of the slave hunter's
- 1052. On their knees, holding each other's hands,
- 1053. praying for God to save them?
- 1054. Do you want me to pack up
anything here in the kitchen?
- 1055. No, I can get it later. Thanks.
- 1056. I'd love to meet your sister sometime.
- 1057. - You wanna come to Buffalo?
- If I'm invited, I'd love to.
- 1058. - You gonna visit me?
- I would, yeah!
- 1059. I'd love to meet Michael, Jr.
- 1060. You've been such a help to me.
- 1061. My great-grandfather
was a pastor in Muskegon, Michigan.
- 1062. The Saint of God.
- 1063. And the bank in town
was a two-story building,
- 1064. the first building to have an elevator.
- 1065. And one Monday,
- 1066. Granddad got the boys all together
- 1067. and they went into town
to deposit church funds,
- 1068. as they did every Monday.
- 1069. And they needed to go talk to the managers.
- 1070. They got on the elevator
and he had a heart attack.
- 1071. And he took off his hat.
- 1072. Apparently, he always wore a hat.
- 1073. And he took off his hat and he said,
- 1074. "Boys, take off my shoes.
I'm standing on holy ground."
- 1075. And then he died.
- 1076. Somewhere between the first and second floor.
- 1077. Yeah, I think about that story
when I think about Michael.
- 1078. 'Cause I believe he was standing
on holy ground when he died.
- 1079. Thank you.
- 1080. So I'll see you in Buffalo?
- 1081. I think I'm gonna go to the reconsecration.
- 1082. Oh. No, you don't need to do that.
- 1083. - But I want to.
- Yeah, but it's not necessary.
- 1084. Yeah, but you've been there for me
and I want to be there for you.
- 1085. It's very nice of you to offer,
- 1086. but it's just a bunch of rich guys
patting each other on the back.
- 1087. - But you're gonna be there.
- But I have to be there.
- 1088. - So I'm gonna go.
- Please don't come.
- 1089. Okay? I don't want you to come.
- 1090. You understand?
- 1091. Okay.
- 1092. Right. Have a nice evening.
- 1093. "Be strong in the Lord
and in His mighty power.
- 1094. Put on the full armor of God
- 1095. so that you can take your stand
against the devil's schemes.
- 1096. For our struggle is not
against flesh and blood
- 1097. but against the rulers,
against the authorities,
- 1098. against the powers of this dark world."
- 1099. Balq Home Products,
makers of paper goods, fertilizers,
- 1100. everyday items for the household,
- 1101. was among the first companies
- 1102. to realize the need
to address environmental concerns.
- 1103. Sir? Are you joining us?
- 1104. This unit makes recyclable plastic markers.
- 1105. Balq has facilities
or production arrangements
- 1106. with 18 countries around the world.
- 1107. Today, I stopped. I had Miso and fish.
- 1108. Such simple pleasures.
- 1109. Why do we deny ourselves?
- 1110. Every act of preservation
is an act of creation.
- 1111. Everything preserved renews creation.
- 1112. It's how we participate in creation.
- 1113. I have found another form of prayer.
- 1114. - Reverend Toller, come on in.
- 1115. Close the door.
- 1116. Why don't you take a seat?
- 1117. We're concerned about you.
- 1118. Who is?
- 1119. How's your health?
- 1120. Well, I'm having some tests.
- 1121. Hmm? Have you gotten your results?
- 1122. No. No.
- 1123. What about your diet?
- 1124. You know, I'm gonna be honest,
you just don't look so good.
- 1125. I've had some...
- 1126. some stomach issues.
- 1127. And I understand you've been drinking.
- 1128. Hm. What?
- 1129. It's just a little wine with dinner.
- 1130. - Wine?
- Yeah, yeah.
- 1131. Well...
- 1132. that's not recommended
for someone who has stomach problems.
- 1133. I understand, all right?
- 1134. I'll start taking better care of myself.
- 1135. You're always in the Garden.
- 1136. Even Jesus wasn't always in the Garden
- 1137. on his knees, sweating blood.
- 1138. He was on the mount.
- 1139. He was in the marketplace.
He was in the temple.
- 1140. But you, you're always in the Garden.
- 1141. For you, every hour is the darkest hour.
- 1142. I wasn't aware that I had offended.
- 1143. Jesus doesn't want our suffering.
- 1144. - He suffered for us.
- 1145. He wants our commitment and our obedience.
- 1146. And what of His creation?
- 1147. The Heavens declare the glory of God.
- 1148. God is present everywhere,
- 1149. in every plant, every river,
every tiny insect.
- 1150. The whole world is a manifestation
of his holy presence.
- 1151. I think this is an issue
where the church can lead.
- 1152. But they say nothing.
- 1153. The...
- 1154. the U.S. Congress
still denies climate change?
- 1155. Where were we when these people were elected?
- 1156. The... we know who spoke
for big business. Right?
- 1157. But who spoke for God?
- 1158. "The creation waits in eager expectation
of liberation from bondage."
- 1159. That's Romans 8:23. You understand?
- 1160. So we should pollute so God can restore?
- 1161. We should sin so God can forgive?
- 1162. I don't think that's what the apostle meant.
- 1163. I think we're supposed to look
- 1164. with the eyes of Jesus into every living...
- 1165. You don't live in the real world.
- 1166. - I...
- You don't.
- 1167. You are a minister
at a tourist church that no one attends.
- 1168. Do you have any idea what
it takes to do God's work?
- 1169. - I'm trying to...
- To maintain a mission of this size?
- 1170. The staffing, the outreach,
- 1171. the amount of people that we touch each day.
- 1172. Who's that priest that you like so much?
- 1173. - Thomas Merton?
- Thomas Merton.
- 1174. - He didn't live in the real world either.
- Yes, he did!
- 1175. - No. He was a monk who lived...
- He would...
- 1176. in a monastery in Kentucky
and wrote books!
- 1177. Well, somebody has to do something!
- 1178. It's the earth that hangs in the balance.
- 1179. Well what if this is His plan?
What if we just can't see it?
- 1180. You think God wants to destroy His creation?
- 1181. He did once. For 40 days and 40 nights.
- 1182. Look, Abundant Life, we're with you.
- 1183. Okay, we care.
- 1184. We do.
- 1185. And I know this is a hard time for you,
but we're gonna help you with that.
- 1186. Once we get through
the reconsecration service,
- 1187. you need to go to rehab.
- 1188. You need to go check yourself
into a medical institution.
- 1189. All right, maybe go to Nicaragua
and preach the gospel or build houses
- 1190. but do something in the real world.
- 1191. And if you can't do the ceremony,
I'll understand that.
- 1192. You're expected to be there, but look, we can
just say that you were sick, which is true.
- 1193. No, it's not... it's not about the ceremony.
- 1194. All right? I can... I will...
- 1195. I want to be there. I have to be there.
- 1196. It's my church. It's 250 years.
- 1197. I want to be there.
I want to introduce you. Please?
- 1198. Well, Ed Balq has decided
that he would like to make comments,
- 1199. so the governor will introduce him.
- 1200. - Will that be a problem?
- Not at all.
- 1201. Not at all.
- 1202. Well, good. Good.
- 1203. Listen, we'll get
through this reconsecration.
- 1204. It'll be special.
- 1205. And then we'll deal with these other issues.
- 1206. Thank you.
- 1207. Thanks.
- 1208. - Where is Reverend Toller?
- I'm not sure, ma'am. Inside.
- 1209. - Have you seen him?
- 1210. - Where is he?
- I don't know.
- 1211. Toller!
- 1212. Toller, you in there?
- 1213. Begin the service.
- 1214. Ernst?