1. People ask me, "Carole, how do you and
Bruce keep the spice in your marriage?"
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2. Well, I tell them
it's really simple.
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3. I'm just the ultimate tease.
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4. Me and Bruce,
we're not that different.
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5. We know what we want
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6. We know how to get it.
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7. Like this promotion he's going for.
We both know he'll win.
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8. And when he does,
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9. the Robertson household
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10. is gonna be one big
happy family again.
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11. I kid you not.
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12. Jimmy!
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13. Whoo-hoo!
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14. What did you just fucking call me?
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15. Just give us your money, mate.
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16. Fucking hurry up!
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17. Fucking...
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18. Scatter.
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19. Scotland.
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20. This nation brought the world
television, the steam engine, golf,
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21. whisky, penicillin and, of
course, the deep fried Mars bar.
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22. It is great being Scottish. We're
such a uniquely successful race.
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23. And as my wife Carole always says,
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24. "There's no place like home."
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25. Nice one. All right, pal?
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26. The games are always,
repeat, always, being played
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27. but nobody plays the games like me,
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28. Detective Sergeant Bruce Robertson,
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29. soon to be
Detective Inspector Bruce Robertson.
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30. You just have to be the
best, and I usually am.
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31. Same rules apply.
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32. What the fuck?
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33. Morning.
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34. Right.
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35. Our victim is a Japanese male
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36. in his early 20s... Yes, Peter?
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37. Sorry, boss, just a wee point.
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38. Maybe we shouldn't stigmatise the guy
by calling him a victim.
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39. Poor wee chinky bastard's dead.
Doesn't matter what you call him now.
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40. Care to share the
joke with us, Dougie?
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41. Dougie Gillman
is your average Scottish copper.
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42. Sixty years ago in the glorious fucking
Reich, you'd be turned into handbags!
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43. At 5/1, Gillman poses a serious
challenge to my promotion prospects.
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44. So he, like the others,
will have to be eliminated,
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45. starting with my main rival
for the inspector's job, Peter Inglis.
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46. Inglis is what they
call metrosexual...
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47. but what I call a fucking bufty.
2/1.
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48. There was no positive ID,
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49. but DS Lennox has been
down at the murder scene.
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50. Ray Lennox, the department's
rookie and resident junkie.
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51. I love the chang!
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52. Even though Lennox is more interested
in trying to bang the office secretary
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53. than any kind of career advancement,
he'll still have to be publicly humiliated.
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54. 20/1.
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55. Official policy at the moment is...
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56. Yes, Gus?
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57. What is the party line, boss?
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58. Gus Bain, bit of a long shot because
he's not the sharpest tool in the box.
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59. I've got a new toothbrush, miss!
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60. But then, when did a single-figure IQ
hold anybody back in the police force?
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61. 7/1.
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62. In accordance with the description
which Detective Drummond
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63. will presently hand out to you.
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64. - Thanks, Bob.
- "Thanks, Bob."
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65. That arse-kissing Amanda Drummond
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66. would suck Toal off right now
if he promoted her.
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67. Not that it would do her
any good, of course,
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68. because some sad wanker from uniform
is gonna impregnate the wee slag
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69. and that'll be her stint at playing Cagney
and fucking Lacey well and truly over.
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70. 10/1.
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71. The umbilical cord
that connects the north and south...
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72. Umbilical cord? The last time I looked
it was a tunnel, you fucking clown.
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73. Edinburgh's worst kept secret is
that Chief Inspector Bob Toal here
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74. has ambitions as a screenwriter.
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75. If that lazy, fat fucker spent
less time dreaming about Hollywood
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76. and more time promoting me, then the
streets would be safer for everybody.
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77. And they left him there,
lying like a pile of rubbish.
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78. - Maybe he was rubbish.
- What?
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79. To the assailants, of course.
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80. Aye, that's it. Your docile
chat might impress the boss,
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81. but it doesn't impress
my fucking hangover.
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82. I have got news for
this herd of donkeys.
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83. There is only one horse can win this race and
that horse is Bruce the Stallion Robertson.
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84. Right, crack on with it.
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85. - Quick word, Bruce.
- Yes, boss?
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86. Things are pretty stretched around here
until we get the new DI position filled.
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87. I want you to head up the case. I'll be
around, but I'll be tied up with other stuff.
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88. So, you'll effectively be acting inspector,
without the remuneration of course.
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89. All leave, unfortunately,
will be cancelled,
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90. but it'll stand you
in good stead for the promotion
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91. because you'll have
the other contenders under you.
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92. There's really nothing more seductive
to a woman than power.
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93. So, when Bruce gets his promotion,
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94. I won't be able to
keep my hands off him.
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95. Detective Inspector Robertson.
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96. Even the sound of it
makes me want him right now.
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97. Are you not worried
if you bugger off to Hamburg
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98. it'll go against you for
the promotion then?
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99. - Promotion?
- Aye.
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100. What's the alternative, Ray?
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101. I give up my holidays for some murdered Jap,
kamikaze, sushi-eating, karaoke bastard?
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102. No chance.
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103. Well, you do have a very
understanding wife in Carole, Robbo.
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104. Aye. Aye, that I do.
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105. - I wish I had somebody like that.
- I bet you do, Ray. I bet you do.
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106. Tell you what, we'll have to get you
another threesome organised
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107. with that wee skanky dealer's bird,
won't we? Do you remember that?
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108. Lennox hates to be reminded of the
time we went tag team on that thing.
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109. Have you even started yet, baby cock?
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110. Everybody has got an Achilles' heel
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111. and I make a point
in remembering my associates' ones.
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112. You were like an animal, Ray.
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113. Oh, here we go. Here comes
the schemie wee bastard now.
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114. Jesus Christ, look at the face
on that wee lassie.
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115. That's a stoat-the-baw situation
if ever I saw one.
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116. That's a curvy little
arse, though, mind.
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117. Never you mind the curvy
little arse on it, Ray.
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118. - It's a bit fucking young, no?
- Ah, she's borderline, man. Come on.
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119. - Borderline?
- Aye.
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120. Do you like wee lassies, Ray?
Are you into baldy fanny?
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121. Borderline, is it?
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122. 40 sheets at 5/1. Come on. 5/1?
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123. Ah, no, maybe you're right.
You're right enough, man.
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124. You have got
absolutely no bottle, Ray.
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125. That is exactly why the Lennoxes of this
world will never oust the Robertsons.
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126. I kid you not, my sweet, sweet friend.
Come on!
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127. - Right then, what's the script?
- The Beast routine.
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128. - It's a bit full-on, Robbo, no?
- You steam right in.
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129. It's the only language these
schemies understand, OK? Come here.
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130. I want you to show this bastard who the
hardest firm in this city really is, OK?
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131. Nobody... Nobody steams in
like the Edinburgh polis.
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132. - Go.
- Right.
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133. Wait two seconds. He'll be firing into
her and we'll catch the stoat in action.
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134. - Another toot for good luck?
- I'm on duty.
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135. Aye.
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136. For God's sake, I'm coming!
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137. - Who the fuck are you two?
- Jehovah's fucking Witnesses.
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138. Keep your fucking mouth shut.
You hear me?
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139. You speak when you're
fucking spoken to. You get it?
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140. - I said, do you fucking get it?
- Aye, aye, aye!
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141. - Get the fuck out!
- Oh, a lady.
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142. How old are you then, madam?
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143. My father's a very well
respected lawyer, you know.
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144. What does that make me then?
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145. Very good. How old are we?
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146. - Sixteen.
- ID?
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147. No, you don't.
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148. Please note, female is below
the legal age of consent.
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149. Stephanie Donaldson.
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150. No relation to Conrad Donaldson QC
by any chance, are we?
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151. Bingo.
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152. Imagine what your daddy would say.
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153. Please don't say anything.
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154. What's it worth, Stephanie? A gam?
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155. Can you imagine what his
posh pals would say
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156. if they found out that his wee princess
was riding all the low-life scum
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157. he gets paid fortunes for
to keep out the nick?
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158. Do you want to do that to him?
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159. Fucking hell! Jesus Christ!
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160. Who taught you that technique?
A fucking cheesegrater?
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161. I've got a good mind to tell your daddy now
anyway after that poor excuse of an attempt.
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162. Please, don't.
That's not fucking fair!
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163. - She told me she was 18.
- Oh, dearie, dearie me.
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164. It's not the best time to be inside
for riding kids, is it?
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165. I make you right. Still, he's
only gonna do six months.
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166. - Ah, posh fanny, though.
- Fair enough. Two years then.
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167. Problem is, if some law-abiding
officers were to tell a strict
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168. - Freemason screw like Ronnie McArthur...
- Ronnie McArthur.
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169. That the girl in
question was 11 or 10...
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170. Or even eight.
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171. - Hey, come on, now, boys, eh?
- Aye, eight would do it.
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172. Then the poor cunt's life
wouldn't be worth living, would it?
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173. Straight to the Beast's
wing in Saughton nick.
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174. Aye, but hang on a minute.
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175. Suppose this stoat-the-baw
had certain information
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176. that could help the
law-abiding officers.
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177. - With a murder enquiry.
- Ah, fuck sake.
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178. Nah, I'm not a grasser.
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179. Right, see, Ocky, there's this one guy in
the Beast's wing that they call The Beast.
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180. - The Beast?
- No, no, no, no, not the Beast.
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181. - The...
- ... Beast.
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182. Shouldn't really be inside a
normal prison, to be fair.
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183. No, but the last time
he escaped from a mental institution
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184. the local livestock bore
the brunt of his frustrations.
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185. Fucked a Highland cow
to death, so they say.
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186. Tore the horns clean
off the poor bastard.
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187. Ronnie says the only way
they can keep The Beast quiet
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188. is by putting a new model
in his cell every few weeks.
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189. - A model?
- Aye.
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190. That's what Ronnie and all the boys call
the fresh-faced laddies they send him.
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191. - Supposed to be a big fucker as well.
- Fuck off.
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192. You get your fucking hands off him
and you stand up straight.
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193. 6'4", full of muscle
and deaf as a post.
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194. What's deaf got to do with it?
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195. Cos he can't hear you
when you're screaming "no".
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196. - Hung like a Derby winner, so Ronnie says.
- Aye.
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197. Splits them all first
time without fail.
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198. One thing's certain, you'd come out of
there with five new arseholes, pal.
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199. That's if you ever do come out
after an experience like that.
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200. So what's it gonna be, Ocky?
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201. - Grass up?
- Or lock up?
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202. There you go, pal.
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203. You stop smoking, OK?
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204. - Yes!
- That's it.
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205. - That's it.
- Oh, yes!
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206. That's it.
Turn off my gas, Carole. Go.
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207. Go. Go! Go!
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208. Oh, yes!
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209. Did you really mean what you said
about falling in love with me?
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210. You're a fucking cow,
do you know that?
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211. We have been turning off the gas for each
other and you are a work mate's missus.
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212. So, do you know what that makes you
in my book?
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213. Do ya?
It makes you a fucking cow.
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214. - Why are you being like this?
- Because... Because, darlin',
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215. you let me in here and
you let me in there.
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216. You don't let me in here.
And that's what love is.
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217. What was all that? What was all that?
What was all that fucking good stuff, eh?
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218. That was all just games, weren't it?
Sad, silly wee games.
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219. A test if you will. A test which you
have sadly and miserably failed.
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220. Why are you saying all this? And why
did you call me by your wife's name?
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221. You said you loved me, not Carole.
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222. I need you to take a good, long, hard think
about what feelings actually are, OK?
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223. Because, if you want me to fix
your head, easy-peasy Japanesey,
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224. but only you... only you can
get in touch with your heart.
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225. - But, Bruce...
- If you want a fucking,
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226. if you want a shagging
and a riding, I'm your man.
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227. However, I've got to inform you, I find
all this just a little bit sordid.
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228. And I can only imagine how much
this would hurt poor old Dougie
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229. if he found out.
In his own fucking bed, Christ!
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230. Bruce, please stay. We need to talk.
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231. No! I am on a murder case here.
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232. That's M-U-R-D-E-R,
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233. which spells S-E-R-I-O-U-S.
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234. So, if I don't get my A-R-S-E in G-E-A-R,
I am in serious S-H-I-T, OK?
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235. You're being so cruel.
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236. Love is cruel, Chrissie.
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237. Love is cruel.
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238. I think she's fucking somebody else
as well, Robbo.
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239. No, no, no, no.
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240. It's killing me because I can't even
prove it. Some detective me, eh?
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241. Listen, listen, listen.
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242. Your Chrissie is about
as loyal as they come.
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243. - Ah, fuck off.
- Come on, now. Come on.
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244. And cheer the fuck up.
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245. You know you're the favourite
for the Chief Inspector position?
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246. You reckon?
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247. Hey, you're lucky. Carole's great.
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248. She's a real beauty as well.
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249. Aye. I'd say you're right on that.
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250. - You two still as happy as ever?
- Couldn't be happier.
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251. - How old's...
- Seven. Stacey's seven.
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252. Stacey, aye.
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253. - Here are the lads.
- Gus.
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254. Thank Christ.
Come on, sheriff's in town. Give us two.
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255. Just the stuff, huh.
That'll do nicely.
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256. And how's that wife
of yours keeping then?
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257. Every day is Valentine's Day.
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258. - And you'd be Cupid, aye?
- I'm the very boy, Robbo.
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259. - Some man, some man.
- I'm the very boy.
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260. Well, I'd better be
going home then, boys.
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261. Right enough.
Take care of yourself then, pal.
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262. What's up with him?
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263. Never got a good word
to say about anybody, that guy.
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264. Who, Dougie Gillman?
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265. Stab you in the back
without even thinking about it.
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266. Catholic, you see.
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267. Saying that, look at
young Ray Lennox there.
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268. He's as Protestant as
you and I, and yet...
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269. Better no' say anything, actually.
He's... Nah.
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270. - Oh, no, go on, Robbo.
- No, he's a good boy, he's a good boy.
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271. Oh, go on. Go on.
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272. Do you see him in here?
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273. I don't even have to look around
and I know that the answer is no.
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274. It's 3/1, he's in
that deviant wine bar
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275. with the lesbian Amanda Drummond,
cooking up all sorts of shenanigans.
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276. Oh, you're an awful man, Robbo.
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277. What do you think the main topic of
conversation between them is gonna be?
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278. You.
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279. Maybe me.
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280. Promotion. That's what, my friend.
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281. You think young Lennox is running with
the hounds and hunting with the hares?
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282. You said it, Gus.
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283. I better keep a beady eye
on that wee bastard.
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284. Don't want him spoiling
the old promotion chances.
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285. Christ, no.
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286. - Come on, come on, come on the Hearts.
- Are you a big fan then, mate?
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287. - I am indeed, pal.
- So am I.
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288. Let me guess, here comes the bit
about you being one as well.
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289. Ever since your granddaddy
took you as a wee laddie.
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290. Blah, blah, pish and shite.
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291. - Job Centre's that way, Santa sweetheart.
- Merry Christmas anyway, pal.
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292. I heard it's gonna be
a cold one, mind you.
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293. Have a nice day.
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294. Oh, 2-1. You fucking beauty!
Come on.
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295. - Colin! Colin, come on!
- Oh, for fuck's sake!
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296. - Please help. Somebody, please.
- Out my way, out my way. I'm police.
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297. Hey, what's happening?
Has anybody called an ambulance yet?
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298. - Colin, look at me.
- Has he stopped breathing?
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299. Do something, please. Do something.
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300. Come on, Colin.
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301. Colin. Colin.
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302. Look at me. Come on.
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303. Colin! Colin, come on!
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304. Come on!
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305. Oh, God.
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306. What's happened
to that fucking ambulance then, eh?
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307. - Oh, God!
- Somebody phone an ambulance!
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308. How have you been since
our last consultation, Bruce?
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309. No problems, I presume, eh?
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310. None.
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311. I trust you're still taking
your medication regularly, yes?
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312. Oh, aye.
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313. Well, this should see you through
to your next appointment, yes?
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314. I'll see you in the new year.
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315. Right?
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316. - Merry Christmas to you, Bruce.
- Thank you, Dr Rossi. Thank you.
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317. And Merry Christmas to you, too, eh?
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318. Well, thank you for that, Bruce.
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319. Oh, yes...
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320. Fuck off!
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321. Hello.
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322. Welcome to the Fantastic Shed Show.
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323. My mum's in. If she hears that I'm doing a
TV show out in the garden, she'll go mad.
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324. Cunty Bunty, Cunty Bunty,
how does your big minge grow?
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325. - Hello?
- Hello, Bunty.
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326. It's Frank Sidebottom here.
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327. I've had just about enough of you.
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328. He told us, right, that you have got
a big hairy fanny, though, Bunty.
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329. - You're pathetic!
- That you...
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330. like to take it up the bum, Bunty.
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331. - Who told you that nonsense?
- Eh...
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332. - Are you ready, Little Frank?
- Little Frank.
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333. Who's Little Frank?
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334. I'm not talking any
more, Bunty, I've got...
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335. - Is that you, Mum?
- Oh, it's my mum.
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336. No, I'm not talking to dirty prostitutes
again, Mum. You can't have the phone...
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337. Thank you, brothers.
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338. That concludes the formal part of this
evening's proceedings and our meeting.
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339. Let us now retire for
a moment of harmony.
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340. - What made you join the force, Bruce?
- Police oppression, brother.
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341. I'd witnessed far too many cases of it
in the mining community I grew up in.
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342. And you wanted to stamp it out
from the inside?
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343. - No, I wanted to be a part of it.
- You're a terror, Bruce.
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344. Clifford Blades, a chartered
accountant and therefore a sad wanker.
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345. Bladesey's not only the newest and
most gullible member of this Lodge,
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346. he's also the wealthiest.
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347. Ideal target practice for the games.
Same rules apply.
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348. And that's why the Craft's been so good
for me, Bruce. Everyone's accepted.
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349. Enough of that shite.
Are you getting any at home, Bladesey?
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350. Well, that side of
things hasn't improved.
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351. This crank caller
just won't stop phoning Bunty.
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352. It's affecting her, you know...
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353. Thing about women,
you have to shag them regularly.
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354. You keep them fucked, man,
they will do absolutely anything for you.
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355. Actually, two things.
Well shod, well shagged.
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356. And that's what you do
with your wife, Bruce?
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357. Course it fucking is.
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358. See, these marriage counselling fucking
spastics, they will tell you a load of shite.
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359. The root of any marital problem
is always, always sexual.
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360. If you're no' fucking the woman
you're with, it opens this...
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361. - Vacuum.
- ... vacuum, which sure as fuck
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362. some other cunt is
gonna come and fill,
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363. and fill with several inches of prime
Scottish beef, Brother Blades.
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364. And, you see,
if she's no' doing the same for you,
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365. you go and get it somewhere else,
just like that.
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366. I must say, I'm looking forward
to our little trip to Hamburg.
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367. - Me too, pal.
- Some nice museums.
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368. Prostitutes.
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369. Of all colours, shapes and sizes.
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370. - Sláinte.
- Sláinte.
Copy !req
371. - Excuse me, Bruce. I have to spend a penny.
- Go for your life, pal. Don't fall in.
Copy !req
372. - Will it be the usual, Brother Robertson?
- Oh, yes, please, Hector.
Copy !req
373. I'll see you at my place
on the weekend then.
Copy !req
374. Okey-dokey.
Copy !req
375. Fucking pervert.
Copy !req
376. Ah, on your own tonight then,
Brother Robertson?
Copy !req
377. No, thankfully not, Brother Toal.
Copy !req
378. I just popped in to see Clifford Blades.
You've just missed him.
Copy !req
379. Well, aren't you and Brother Blades
becoming quite the bosom buddies?
Copy !req
380. - Oh, birds of a feather and all that.
- Talking of Brother Blades,
Copy !req
381. have those useless clowns from uniform found
this pervert who keeps phoning his wife?
Copy !req
382. - Regrettably not, sir, no.
- Spastics!
Copy !req
383. Aye.
Copy !req
384. Look, would you mind
overseeing it, Bruce?
Copy !req
385. I wouldn't normally ask
with something so trivial,
Copy !req
386. but we just can't afford
to be seen to be not taking care
Copy !req
387. of such a potentially important benefactor
to the lodge as Clifford Blades.
Copy !req
388. And what's good for the lodge
is good for the polis, eh?
Copy !req
389. And another little brownie point for
the promotion, Brother Robertson.
Copy !req
390. Hush-hush, Toal. Hush-hush.
Copy !req
391. Just you leave Mr and Mrs Blades
in my safe hands, OK, Brother Toal?
Copy !req
392. How can you just misplace £200?
Copy !req
393. If I find out there's
another woman involved, Clifford...
Copy !req
394. This is Bruce, the detective friend
I was telling you about, dear.
Copy !req
395. Well, well, Clifford!
Copy !req
396. You never told me you were hiding
such a beautiful specimen.
Copy !req
397. You are punching above
your weight, champ.
Copy !req
398. You're the one who's taking Clifford on
this Masons' weekend to Scarborough, right?
Copy !req
399. Sc...
Copy !req
400. Aye, I am taking him to Scarborough.
Copy !req
401. It's a pleasure to meet you, Bunty.
Copy !req
402. Please, to business.
Copy !req
403. I understand how unsettling
these prank calls must be to you,
Copy !req
404. but I would ask you to be brave.
Copy !req
405. I've dealt with this
kind of scum in the past
Copy !req
406. and I can tell you,
they're all mouth and no trousers.
Copy !req
407. However, slamming the phone down on him
is only going to encourage him, OK?
Copy !req
408. And if I know this guy like I think I
know this guy, he's gonna like that.
Copy !req
409. So I need you to indulge
him a little bit.
Copy !req
410. He'll soon come unstuck.
Copy !req
411. But your uniformed colleague
said not to encourage him.
Copy !req
412. Oh, aye. No, we tell the younger,
less experienced officers that, aye.
Copy !req
413. And it usually makes
the depravate stop.
Copy !req
414. However, if you're wanting
the man caught...
Copy !req
415. I want him caught all right.
I want that bastard to suffer!
Copy !req
416. Excellent.
Copy !req
417. Well, in that case,
I suggest you play along.
Copy !req
418. Tell him something about yourself.
What you like.
Copy !req
419. Up the stakes.
Let hunter become hunted.
Copy !req
420. We'll nail this slimy bastard
for you, Clifford, no danger.
Copy !req
421. Bunty, we're gonna get him.
I can promise you that.
Copy !req
422. Now, I want you to look after
that brave, brave woman.
Copy !req
423. Oh, I will, Bruce, I will.
Copy !req
424. I can't tell you how
grateful I am, Bruce.
Copy !req
425. Oh, you just thank
your hubby here.
Copy !req
426. Low friends in high
places, eh, Bladesey boy?
Copy !req
427. A quick word, sir?
Copy !req
428. Bruce. How goes the case?
Copy !req
429. - Aye, fairly cut and dried actually, Bob.
- Aye.
Copy !req
430. A well-known, nasty little mob have been
fingered by a willing informant, so it's...
Copy !req
431. New poster.
Copy !req
432. Just a case of gathering
the necessary evidence.
Copy !req
433. - Me and Gus are on surveillance.
- Good.
Copy !req
434. The political thing has died a death now
and the papers have got bored with it.
Copy !req
435. A wog's a wog for all that,
eh, Brother Robertson?
Copy !req
436. - You said it, Brother Toal.
- Your words, not mine.
Copy !req
437. Right, about my cycling
trip to Germany, sir.
Copy !req
438. Oh, I can't say I'm pulling handkerchiefs
out of my arse at the prospect
Copy !req
439. but I suppose a few days
won't put us too far behind.
Copy !req
440. What does Carole have to say about you
going away so close to Christmas?
Copy !req
441. Oh, her and Stacey are just looking
forward to their big presents.
Copy !req
442. I always bring them back something
nice, so there's never any problem.
Copy !req
443. - You're the boss at home, then, Robbo?
- Man of the fucking house and all that.
Copy !req
444. Quite. OK...
Copy !req
445. Just make sure you brief
Amanda Drummond before you go.
Copy !req
446. Do you really think she's got the balls
to take over the reins in my absence?
Copy !req
447. Think I'd rather hand temporary control
over to Gus Bain if you don't mind.
Copy !req
448. It's only for a short while
and she needs the experience anyway.
Copy !req
449. - Mmm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.
Copy !req
450. How the fuck did she
ever get out of uniform?
Copy !req
451. By shagging Toal, that's how.
Copy !req
452. No!
Copy !req
453. See, every time a woman drops
her trousers, promotion.
Copy !req
454. Every time a man drops theirs,
disciplinary action.
Copy !req
455. Where's the equality in that?
Copy !req
456. Bingo!
There's the fucker we're after.
Copy !req
457. No, no, just you wait there, Gus, OK?
No point going in mob-handed.
Copy !req
458. OK.
Copy !req
459. Wanna buy some flowers.
Copy !req
460. Can I help you, sir?
Copy !req
461. How's business?
Copy !req
462. All right, I suppose.
Copy !req
463. Really? I just seen a man
leave empty-handed.
Copy !req
464. - No' have anything in his line, no?
- No.
Copy !req
465. - Who was he?
- Just some guy after roses.
Copy !req
466. - I guess he changed his mind.
- Mmm-hmm.
Copy !req
467. - Do I know you from somewhere?
- No.
Copy !req
468. No, you don't. No, you fucking don't.
Copy !req
469. - What have I done wrong?
- Wasting police time,
Copy !req
470. withholding information and possibly
harbouring a murder suspect.
Copy !req
471. - That's shite.
- You will fucking cough up
Copy !req
472. or I swear to God you will be stuffing
cuddly toys in Corton Vale Prison
Copy !req
473. faster than you can tie
a bunch of fucking daffodils.
Copy !req
474. Or maybe...
Copy !req
475. maybe you would rather get
your tulips around my bulbs.
Copy !req
476. Would you like that?
Copy !req
477. I think you would.
Copy !req
478. Look, he's just a guy I
know from the clubs.
Copy !req
479. He comes in to talk about
music and that is all.
Copy !req
480. So, are you and your wee boyfriend just a
two-man musical appreciation society then?
Copy !req
481. - Is that what you're fucking telling me?
- He's not my boyfriend, honest.
Copy !req
482. I hope not.
Copy !req
483. For his sake, you fat bastard.
Copy !req
484. - Watch where you're...
- Sorry.
Copy !req
485. Hello. Eh...
Copy !req
486. How are you?
Copy !req
487. Yeah, I'm just going to
pick the flowers up.
Copy !req
488. - Oh, what, is the funeral today, aye?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
489. Right. Was that your wreath?
The one that says "Dad"?
Copy !req
490. - Yeah.
- Um...
Copy !req
491. How many kids have you got?
Copy !req
492. Just one, a wee boy.
Copy !req
493. You ever lost anyone close?
Copy !req
494. Mmm-hmm.
Copy !req
495. Hurts like hell, eh?
Copy !req
496. Mmm-hmm.
Copy !req
497. Um...
Copy !req
498. Listen, I've got to go.
I'm really sorry, I've got to go.
Copy !req
499. Davie?
Copy !req
500. Fuck!
Copy !req
501. Ah, Bruce, I hear you
have a pain, yes?
Copy !req
502. Oh, a pain indeed, Doctor.
Copy !req
503. And would this pain be
one of your physical pains, yes?
Copy !req
504. No, Doctor, my other kind.
Copy !req
505. Well, the final destination
of the pain recovery train
Copy !req
506. is self-help via
abstinence, Bruce, eh?
Copy !req
507. I've already booked my seat in advance.
Super-saver all the same.
Copy !req
508. No more cocaine and chip suppers
for Bruce, eh?
Copy !req
509. Oh, those items were previously
favourites of the Detective Sergeant,
Copy !req
510. of course they were.
Copy !req
511. And what of this promotion, eh?
Copy !req
512. A mere formality, I'm sure.
Copy !req
513. Only champions can
rewrite history, yes?
Copy !req
514. Yes, I've always believed that
it's the winning that's important,
Copy !req
515. not the taking part.
Copy !req
516. Only winners are more attractive
to the opposite sex, Bruce, eh?
Copy !req
517. Like our successful friend
here, the tapeworm.
Copy !req
518. Yes?
Copy !req
519. Who do we trust, Bruce?
Copy !req
520. Why, no one, of course.
Copy !req
521. Not your friends, not your family,
not even yourself, Bruce.
Copy !req
522. Especially not yourself, eh?
Copy !req
523. Now, about that pain...
Copy !req
524. Yes!
Copy !req
525. Come on, big man, you stiffen up.
Copy !req
526. Come on, big man, you fucking stiffen.
Come on, big man, you fucking stiffen...
Copy !req
527. Fucking, fucking!
Copy !req
528. Ugly little fucking slag.
Copy !req
529. Dirty poofy bastard.
Copy !req
530. Peter. Peter, have you seen the
graffiti in the men's toilets?
Copy !req
531. What? No.
Copy !req
532. Some nasty little bastard
has written something which,
Copy !req
533. well, let's just say,
questions your sexuality.
Copy !req
534. Well, there's always something or other.
I don't let it bother me any more, Bruce.
Copy !req
535. It's silly.
Copy !req
536. Oh, come on, man. You elected
me your union representative
Copy !req
537. so I have to let it bother me
Copy !req
538. and I can't have your character defamed
in this outrageous manner any longer.
Copy !req
539. I'm going straight to Toal.
Copy !req
540. No, no, you're all right, Bruce.
I'll just go and clean it off.
Copy !req
541. Somebody is playing
silly billies here.
Copy !req
542. - Such a load of bloody nonsense.
- And I just hope...
Copy !req
543. I just hope
Copy !req
544. I don't find out who.
Copy !req
545. Gaffer? Gaffer, I want you to come and see
some more of this disgusting graffiti
Copy !req
546. that's been written about
poor Peter Inglis.
Copy !req
547. I don't have time for every...
Copy !req
548. As fed rep I don't have time
to see a fellow officer humiliated.
Copy !req
549. Of course. Listen, Robbo...
Copy !req
550. - Peter isn't...
- What, sir?
Copy !req
551. You're gonna have to be careful
what you say here, sir.
Copy !req
552. He isn't like the graffiti says...
Copy !req
553. Is he?
Copy !req
554. Whether he is or isn't
is entirely his own business,
Copy !req
555. but he's being harassed and we
operate a non-discriminatory policy
Copy !req
556. on the grounds of
sexual orientation.
Copy !req
557. But he can't be sexually harassed
if he's not really, well...
Copy !req
558. What, sir?
Copy !req
559. Gay, I think the fashionable term
for it is these days.
Copy !req
560. What he gets up to privately
is his own business.
Copy !req
561. To be honest with you, I don't even know
that much about the chap, but... Oh.
Copy !req
562. This bullying...
This bullying has to stop.
Copy !req
563. Did you do her up the arse?
Copy !req
564. Where else is there?
Pussy's for faggots.
Copy !req
565. Right, come on, let's go and see what
Gorman and his wee boyfriend are made of.
Copy !req
566. Everything you need to know about
those guys are in the jars, darling.
Copy !req
567. - DN-fucking-A, man. Really?
- Jesus Christ.
Copy !req
568. Maisie, gratitude.
Copy !req
569. See, this is the wonderful thing
about being polis, Ray.
Copy !req
570. Doesn't really matter
if everybody hates your guts
Copy !req
571. as long as they're civil
to your fucking face.
Copy !req
572. Is that no' right, Maisie?
Copy !req
573. Same rules apply, darling.
Same rules apply.
Copy !req
574. See, Maisie here would teach you
things your mother wouldn't.
Copy !req
575. I only do it for love now, son.
Copy !req
576. If you change your mind,
this is the boy for the job.
Copy !req
577. Getting quite the reputation as a
young stallion, aren't you, pal, eh?
Copy !req
578. Right, we'd better be off-ski.
We've got the Christmas party.
Copy !req
579. Christ, I never thought I'd see the
day when I left a knocking shop
Copy !req
580. with more spunk than I came in with.
Copy !req
581. - Thank you.
- Thanks very much, son.
Copy !req
582. I tell you, Gus,
this is the only kind of networking
Copy !req
583. I don't mind doing with
the Indian community.
Copy !req
584. I do love a good
curry all the same.
Copy !req
585. Edith and I, we're
actually thinking of going
Copy !req
586. to Sri Lanka next year
for our holidays.
Copy !req
587. - I don't know. Show us your tits.
- Show me yours, I'll show you mine.
Copy !req
588. Party games. Gather round.
Copy !req
589. I remember when I used
to work in Sydney,
Copy !req
590. we played this party game
at the crimbo party.
Copy !req
591. What was that, then?
Copy !req
592. Oh, no. Listen, there's ladies
present, Karen, so I better not say.
Copy !req
593. Come on, Robbo, don't start something
you cannot fucking finish, man.
Copy !req
594. - Come on, Brucie. Come on, Brucie.
- All right.
Copy !req
595. - Well, come on, pal. Let's go, man.
- OK, then, Raymondo.
Copy !req
596. What we would do is, all the men
would go to the photocopying room.
Copy !req
597. One by one, of course.
No offence if that's your thing.
Copy !req
598. And what we'd do is we would photocopy
an image of our wedding tackle.
Copy !req
599. Oh, I just knew
what was going on here!
Copy !req
600. And then one of the sheilas
would pin it to a notice board.
Copy !req
601. It'd then be up to the lassies to match the
male member with the corresponding owner.
Copy !req
602. - What a load of bollocks, man.
- Let's do it.
Copy !req
603. Come on!
Copy !req
604. Fuck me with that horse's cock.
Copy !req
605. What?
Copy !req
606. Here we go, lads, another round.
Copy !req
607. Who the fuck is that?
Copy !req
608. Peter. Peter!
Copy !req
609. I haven't seen you in such a long time,
sweetie. Where have you been hiding?
Copy !req
610. Brought some friends along, I see.
Copy !req
611. Who the fuck are you?
Here, I don't know this guy.
Copy !req
612. Sorry, I didn't realise
it was that kind of scene.
Copy !req
613. Huh! Peter can be so sensitive.
Copy !req
614. Ho! I don't fucking know you! OK?
Copy !req
615. - Hey, hey, hey. Come on, man.
- But I don't know the guy, Ray.
Copy !req
616. Well, he seems to know you.
Copy !req
617. You wrote that fucking shite
on the toilet wall, didn't you?
Copy !req
618. Did I fuck! Probably one of
your fucking boyfriends.
Copy !req
619. You disgust me.
Get your face off my cock!
Copy !req
620. Get off me, you fucking cocksucker!
Copy !req
621. Don't even think about
defending Gillman.
Copy !req
622. Well, I'm gonna have to consider
my position on that one, Bob.
Copy !req
623. Bruce, things are bloody difficult for me at
the moment with this murder case nuisance.
Copy !req
624. On top of that, not only is there
a latent Nazi racist homophobe
Copy !req
625. but a bloody jessie boy in the hat
for the inspector's post.
Copy !req
626. Now, listen, are you referring to
Brother Inglis here? Cos if you are...
Copy !req
627. How can we have someone of his
disposition leading fellow officers?
Copy !req
628. Policy or no bloody policy,
Copy !req
629. I won't pretend I don't find the idea
of two men doing it to each other...
Copy !req
630. totally disgusting.
Copy !req
631. But that's by the way.
Copy !req
632. I still don't see what
that's got to do...
Copy !req
633. Oh, come on, Bruce.
Copy !req
634. How can you have confidence in a man who is
constantly undressing you with his eyes,
Copy !req
635. masturbating over images of you?
Copy !req
636. It'd just be a compromise.
Copy !req
637. Surely that's a bit caveman, Bob.
Copy !req
638. In some parts of the country the force
even advertise in the gay press now.
Copy !req
639. This isn't some parts
of the country.
Copy !req
640. This is Scotland, by Christ!
Copy !req
641. Me and Bruce play these
break-up/make-up games,
Copy !req
642. but it only makes our
hearts grow fonder.
Copy !req
643. In a sense we're always together,
because nothing...
Copy !req
644. Space, time, or distance,
can break our delicious communion.
Copy !req
645. - Here are your drinks, sir.
- Merci, Fräulein, merci.
Copy !req
646. But heterosexual anal sex
need not imply an attitude of misogyny.
Copy !req
647. I read in one of Bunty's magazines that 20%
of heterosexual couples enjoy anal sex
Copy !req
648. - while only 50% of homosexual couples do.
- Whoa, ho, ho.
Copy !req
649. What, are you saying that half the
fucking poofs walking about down there
Copy !req
650. don't actually do each other
up the fucking arsehole?
Copy !req
651. Bruce, I was only telling you
what the article said.
Copy !req
652. Aye, and I'll tell you something else
about all that fucking rap music, man.
Copy !req
653. It's all fucking bullshit cos I
read this article, proper, medical.
Copy !req
654. It says that white women, right,
are 10 times more likely
Copy !req
655. to give blowjobs than black women.
Copy !req
656. So where does that leave them?
Copy !req
657. Up the fucking spout without a
blowjob, that's where, pal.
Copy !req
658. Well, unless it's the white women
who they're referring to
Copy !req
659. who are actually
performing the fellatio.
Copy !req
660. Let me tell you something, Bladesey.
Copy !req
661. Only a white bird who was not
right in the fucking head
Copy !req
662. would even think about
going with one of them.
Copy !req
663. It wasn't even a
country until 1865.
Copy !req
664. Fish market, the actor Hans Albers
and FC St Pauli football club.
Copy !req
665. Get into the fucking index
and look up fucking "fanny".
Copy !req
666. The Reeperbahn, the
red light district.
Copy !req
667. Need to take a picture
of what a cunt looks like.
Copy !req
668. Can you put that in a bottle?
Copy !req
669. No. Don't touch it, Bruce.
You're not allowed to.
Copy !req
670. You've got to be able to
touch fucking history.
Copy !req
671. No, you can't, Bruce.
Copy !req
672. Bruce!
Copy !req
673. Bruce! Bruce!
Copy !req
674. Bruce!
Copy !req
675. Is this a real prostitute?
Copy !req
676. Arschficken, me and her. 50?
Copy !req
677. - Arschficken. 50.
- Thanks very much.
Copy !req
678. Right, Brunhilde.
Copy !req
679. - My name's Clifford.
- Bladesey, don't go bareback.
Copy !req
680. I'm a Gemini.
Copy !req
681. Can I just have a glass of water?
Copy !req
682. Not at all. I've got something else
in mind for you.
Copy !req
683. Here, here, here, here, here.
Look at these two. Look at these two.
Copy !req
684. Fucking bufties. Disgusting.
Copy !req
685. Absolutely fucking...
Copy !req
686. disgusting.
Copy !req
687. I've never seen the
attraction of it myself.
Copy !req
688. Cheers, pal.
Copy !req
689. Cheers.
Copy !req
690. Bladesey, just take your coat off.
You're overheating, man. Just fucking...
Copy !req
691. Bladesey, I...
Copy !req
692. I need you to fucking calm yourself.
You're really messing with my fucking trip.
Copy !req
693. Calm your...
Copy !req
694. Fucking calm yourself, man.
Calm yourself. Fuck off...
Copy !req
695. You're on your fucking own, Bladesey.
Copy !req
696. Fuck off!
Copy !req
697. Get your fucking hands off me!
Copy !req
698. Piss off!
Copy !req
699. Carole.
Copy !req
700. Carole.
Copy !req
701. No. Where's Stacey?
Where's Stacey? Where's Stacey?
Copy !req
702. Hello?
Copy !req
703. Do you know what time it is, Bruce?
Get into work right now.
Copy !req
704. Right... Right, I'll be
in in, say, 25 minutes.
Copy !req
705. You wanted to...
Copy !req
706. see me?
Copy !req
707. Take a seat.
Copy !req
708. As you obviously know, Bruce,
Copy !req
709. Amanda took a lead role in the murder
investigation in your absence.
Copy !req
710. I have decided after some deliberation
that this should remain the case.
Copy !req
711. You have got to be fucking joking me!
Copy !req
712. - I beg your pardon?
- Are you deaf?
Copy !req
713. I expect you to give her
your full co-operation.
Copy !req
714. Since you've been away the media
have taken an interest again.
Copy !req
715. Press relations is exactly the kind of
area that Amanda here is strong in.
Copy !req
716. Amanda, can you please brief Bruce
on the latest developments?
Copy !req
717. Yes, Bob.
Copy !req
718. Gus has already filled me in,
so there's really no need.
Copy !req
719. Gus isn't on the ball, Bruce!
Copy !req
720. OK, then, Mandy, fire away.
Copy !req
721. We're going to have to bring in
Gorman for questioning.
Copy !req
722. Not so sure that's a
good idea there, Mandy.
Copy !req
723. You see, he's a hardened criminal and with
a lawyer like Conrad Donaldson behind him
Copy !req
724. could go either way.
Copy !req
725. Nice cycling trip, Bruce?
Copy !req
726. Enough with the idle banter.
Shall we crack on with the case?
Copy !req
727. Maybe start by finding this blonde
witness you forgot to tell us about.
Copy !req
728. These are crafty bastards we're
dealing with. We need hard evidence.
Copy !req
729. I'll just go and get some, eh?
Copy !req
730. - Bruce, can I have a word?
- Course you can, sweetheart.
Copy !req
731. Do you have to refer to me
in that condescending way?
Copy !req
732. Mandy, you're taking
this far too seriously.
Copy !req
733. My name is Amanda.
Copy !req
734. You think you've got a chance of getting
this fucking promotion, don't you?
Copy !req
735. Bruce.
Copy !req
736. - Someone here to see you.
- Maybe in a wee min...
Copy !req
737. We'll continue this later.
Copy !req
738. Maybe a wee bit of
privacy, eh, Peter?
Copy !req
739. I came last week,
but they told me you were on holiday.
Copy !req
740. I wanted to thank you personally
for everything you did for Colin.
Copy !req
741. Aye. Aye, well, I just wish
I could have done more to help him.
Copy !req
742. This is the man who tried
to save your daddy.
Copy !req
743. He helped when the others
just stood back and watched.
Copy !req
744. He's a fine man, son.
Copy !req
745. I'd like you to be like
him when you grow up.
Copy !req
746. They said it was
your favourite team's colours so...
Copy !req
747. I knitted it especially.
Copy !req
748. I just wanted to say...
Copy !req
749. Merry Christmas.
Copy !req
750. Say bye to the detective, Euan.
Copy !req
751. - Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye, pal.
Copy !req
752. Here, here, here... Don't...
Don't go. Um... Just...
Copy !req
753. This is...
Copy !req
754. This is just my...
Copy !req
755. It's my home telephone number.
Copy !req
756. And my home address.
Copy !req
757. In case you ever need any help.
Copy !req
758. For anything.
Copy !req
759. Thanks.
Copy !req
760. Do you know what
Drummond says to me?
Copy !req
761. She tells me that we've got
to bring in Gorman for questioning.
Copy !req
762. I just laughed in her face
and then I fucked off.
Copy !req
763. - What do you think of that?
- Aye, nice job, mate.
Copy !req
764. - Aye.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
765. These young ones, Ray.
These fucking young ones!
Copy !req
766. I'll get the drinks in.
Copy !req
767. Listen, Robbo, I've got
something to tell you.
Copy !req
768. I don't want you getting the wrong idea and
this is why I'm letting you know first.
Copy !req
769. Listen, I really want to get on
in the department, right,
Copy !req
770. but I've not got
enough experience, though, eh?
Copy !req
771. I don't know, Ray.
Copy !req
772. All depends on how good
you are, doesn't it?
Copy !req
773. I mean, I even thought about
applying for the inspector's job.
Copy !req
774. You know, but I just thought it was a good
idea to get some practice with the...
Copy !req
775. you know, with the
selection procedures.
Copy !req
776. - What do you think?
- Cannot do you any harm, pal.
Copy !req
777. You're right. It can't do any harm,
you know, flying up a kite,
Copy !req
778. just so they know
who Ray fucking Lennox is, eh?
Copy !req
779. You need to watch some sly bastards.
Copy !req
780. - What do you mean?
- I'm just saying
Copy !req
781. that you need to watch
some sly bastards.
Copy !req
782. Like who? Who?
Copy !req
783. Gus.
Copy !req
784. - Gus Bain?
- Aye.
Copy !req
785. I mean, he's always been all right
with me, man, you know.
Copy !req
786. He's been taking quite an interest
in the extracurricular activities
Copy !req
787. of a certain Ray Lennox.
Copy !req
788. Just watch what you say
about Bonnie Prince Charlie here
Copy !req
789. when Gus Bain is around.
Do you understand me?
Copy !req
790. You know, I would never say anything
about the chang to anybody, you know?
Copy !req
791. But I will definitely
watch what I fucking say
Copy !req
792. around that sly old
fucking grasser now, eh?
Copy !req
793. You cannot fucking trust
anybody any more, can you?
Copy !req
794. I must look divine, especially in
the middle of this bunch of freaks.
Copy !req
795. They all fancy Carole Robertson, see?
Copy !req
796. Well, you can look,
but you can't touch.
Copy !req
797. There's only one person
that can have me.
Copy !req
798. Although, if he really wants me,
he'll have to get that promotion.
Copy !req
799. Time waits for no man.
Copy !req
800. Yeah?
What have you got, darling?
Copy !req
801. What do you think? Is it nice?
Oh, it's quite nice.
Copy !req
802. That's it.
Copy !req
803. Hello, darling.
Wave to the camera, darling.
Copy !req
804. I'm not too sure about
this one, Bruce.
Copy !req
805. - Hello?
- I bet...
Copy !req
806. You've been thinking about me a lot,
haven't you, Bunty?
Copy !req
807. I haven't stopped thinking about you.
Copy !req
808. I bet they told you
to ignore me, though.
Copy !req
809. - Didn't they?
- Oh yes, they fucking did.
Copy !req
810. But...
Copy !req
811. This is...
Copy !req
812. so much more fun, Frank.
Copy !req
813. Would you...
Copy !req
814. What?
Copy !req
815. Would you
Copy !req
816. like to see my cock,
Copy !req
817. Bunty?
Copy !req
818. I'd like to do more than that, Frank.
Copy !req
819. I'd like to
Copy !req
820. put your cock in my fucking mouth.
Copy !req
821. That's what I would like to do.
Copy !req
822. And then I would like you
Copy !req
823. to put your cock
Copy !req
824. inside of my fucking beautiful body.
Copy !req
825. That's what I would like, Frank,
and for you to go as fast as you can.
Copy !req
826. Fucking go as fast
Copy !req
827. as you can, Frank!
Copy !req
828. Fuck me. Fuck me!
Copy !req
829. - Yeah!
- That's what I'd like, Frank.
Copy !req
830. How's the lovely
Carole at Christmas?
Copy !req
831. A lovely Christmas carol.
Copy !req
832. Yes?
Copy !req
833. Eh? Eh?
Copy !req
834. Eh?
Copy !req
835. Bigger pain, bigger jar.
Copy !req
836. Bigger pills, Bruce, yes?
Copy !req
837. Yeah!
Copy !req
838. Fuck you, Carole Robertson!
Fuck you, Carole Robertson!
Copy !req
839. Turn off my gas, Bruce!
Copy !req
840. Fuck you, Dougie Gillman!
Copy !req
841. Repressed people.
Copy !req
842. You have to pity them
more than anything else.
Copy !req
843. I was like that before I met Bruce.
Copy !req
844. But he brought me out of myself.
Copy !req
845. That's what our sex club was about.
Copy !req
846. Bruce knows that
our wee games and flirtations
Copy !req
847. only serve to strengthen our love by
making it confront its true nature.
Copy !req
848. I'm a better person now.
Copy !req
849. A different person.
Copy !req
850. The fucking bitch has left me.
Copy !req
851. Christmas fucking Day
and the bitch leaves me.
Copy !req
852. - Merry Christmas, Robbo!
- Aye, same to you, Gus. Same to you.
Copy !req
853. So what's your plans, then?
Copy !req
854. Ah, just the usual family
shite and all that.
Copy !req
855. Me, too.
Copy !req
856. Fuck!
Copy !req
857. Are you all right, Bruce?
Copy !req
858. Oh, aye.
Copy !req
859. - Are you all right, Robbo?
- Aye.
Copy !req
860. - Happy Christmas, sir.
- Don't you "Happy Christmas" me.
Copy !req
861. - Come again?
- Look at the state you're in, Bruce.
Copy !req
862. You're a disgrace to the force.
This murder case is still hanging over us
Copy !req
863. and you haven't even managed to find
the Blades' phantom phone-caller.
Copy !req
864. I am quickly becoming
the laughing-stock of the Lodge.
Copy !req
865. And you are about to lose any chance
you ever had of this promotion.
Copy !req
866. No, no, no, no, no, no.
I know who the pervert is, sir.
Copy !req
867. Aye...
Copy !req
868. It's Clifford Blades.
Copy !req
869. It's Clifford Blades himself, sir.
Copy !req
870. I'll get you proof.
Copy !req
871. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Copy !req
872. Davie.
Copy !req
873. Davie, it wasn't my fault.
Copy !req
874. It wasn't my...
Copy !req
875. Your message sounded urgent,
so I came straight over.
Copy !req
876. I wanted to drop your
present off anyway
Copy !req
877. because I'm going to England
to see my parents.
Copy !req
878. Mother's not very well.
Copy !req
879. Bunty's not best pleased
about me going.
Copy !req
880. This creep just won't
stop phoning her.
Copy !req
881. I... I never got you anything.
Copy !req
882. Doesn't matter.
Copy !req
883. It's good to see you, pal.
Copy !req
884. Good to see somebody.
Copy !req
885. Good to see you.
Copy !req
886. You want a wee whisky? Cheer you up.
Copy !req
887. - No, best not. I'm driving.
- You'll fucking sit down, man!
Copy !req
888. You'll stay over here tonight
and you'll go tomorrow, OK?
Copy !req
889. OK.
Copy !req
890. - Won't your wife mind?
- She's at her mum's. Her mum's in Aviemore.
Copy !req
891. Old bird's on her last
legs with heart disease.
Copy !req
892. I'm sorry to hear that.
Copy !req
893. No, don't fucking worry about it.
Stupid slag brought it on herself.
Copy !req
894. See, the amount of chocolate, booze and
fags she consumes, it is fucking criminal.
Copy !req
895. - What about your daughter?
- Christ, that's enough of the family pish!
Copy !req
896. Now...
Copy !req
897. I've got a cheeky wee
single malt here for you.
Copy !req
898. Only for the developed
palate, 49 years aged.
Copy !req
899. Ho-ho-ho, Merry Christmas
and all that shite.
Copy !req
900. Well, I suppose one between friends
couldn't hurt.
Copy !req
901. Aye.
Copy !req
902. - Happy Christmas.
- Is it?
Copy !req
903. How are you getting on
with that whisky then, Bladesey?
Copy !req
904. Feel a bit tipsy, Bruce.
Copy !req
905. Hello
and welcome to the Fantastic...
Copy !req
906. Manchester! Manchester!
Copy !req
907. - You do it, man.
- No.
Copy !req
908. - Come on, give it a try.
- No, really, Bruce.
Copy !req
909. - Come on, it's Christmas.
- It's not in my nature.
Copy !req
910. Come on, don't be such
a fucking spoilsport.
Copy !req
911. Ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Frank Sidebottom.
Copy !req
912. I'm Frank Sidebottom.
Copy !req
913. My name is Frank Sidebottom.
Copy !req
914. This is a lovely surprise.
Copy !req
915. I was just checking up on my best
mate's missus while he was away,
Copy !req
916. seeing she was safe and secure
and all that, you know?
Copy !req
917. I don't know why you bother with him.
He's weak.
Copy !req
918. Not like you.
Copy !req
919. No, no, no, he's...
He's one of the best, I say.
Copy !req
920. That's what I say. He's one of the best.
Copy !req
921. Oh, I wish I had a friend
who was as loyal as you.
Copy !req
922. You must see some terrible things
in your line of work.
Copy !req
923. Aye, I do. I really do, you know?
Copy !req
924. But you just...
You just deal with it.
Copy !req
925. Like you do, Bunty,
with this prank phone-caller.
Copy !req
926. You don't seem to let
it get to you, do you?
Copy !req
927. Well, that's what I try to make him
think. But, you know, it hurts terribly.
Copy !req
928. Uh-huh.
Copy !req
929. I just wish Clifford could
be as strong as you.
Copy !req
930. Fuck.
Copy !req
931. Fuck! Wait a minute.
Copy !req
932. This is wrong. Cliff's all right.
This is... This is really wrong.
Copy !req
933. No, no, no!
Copy !req
934. No, it's... It's... It's OK.
This is so right.
Copy !req
935. No, no!
Copy !req
936. - What's wrong?
- It's just the...
Copy !req
937. - Just what?
- It's just...
Copy !req
938. I think Cliff might be
your phantom phone-caller.
Copy !req
939. Oh, don't be ridiculous. Come on.
Copy !req
940. Ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Frank Sidebottom.
Copy !req
941. It's Frank Sidebottom.
Copy !req
942. Ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Frank Sidebottom.
Copy !req
943. It's Frank Sidebottom.
Copy !req
944. Oh, my God!
Copy !req
945. Ah, Bruce eh?
Copy !req
946. Fuck.
Copy !req
947. Or would you like me to call you by
your little brother's name, Davie, yes?
Copy !req
948. - What?
- Baby brothers, Bruce.
Copy !req
949. Such a nuisance.
Copy !req
950. But you were supposed to look out
for little brother Davie, yes?
Copy !req
951. No, no, I wasn't.
Copy !req
952. It was your idea to steal
the coal, though, yes?
Copy !req
953. No, that was Davie's idea.
Copy !req
954. The added incentive
of trying to please your father.
Copy !req
955. "Let's climb the coal
mountain," you said.
Copy !req
956. That's it. Just little boys
playing games, Doctor.
Copy !req
957. The games, Bruce. The games.
The same rules apply, though.
Copy !req
958. "I'm the king of the castle!
Get down you, dirty rascal!"
Copy !req
959. Then you pushed him off.
Copy !req
960. No, I never. No, I fucking never!
Copy !req
961. - Not an angry push...
- No, I didn't.
Copy !req
962. Just a brotherly shove.
Brotherly love, a brotherly shove.
Copy !req
963. Because wee Davie was better at everything
than his big brother, "the other laddie".
Copy !req
964. That's what they used
to say in the village.
Copy !req
965. "Davie Robertson and
the other laddie."
Copy !req
966. You're still just "the
other laddie", aren't you?
Copy !req
967. You fuck off!
Copy !req
968. "Fuck off", you shout,
as you push him down the slag pile.
Copy !req
969. He's at the bottom,
screaming for help
Copy !req
970. as the black stuff rushes down,
smothering your brother underneath.
Copy !req
971. No, I tried to save him.
Copy !req
972. Then the man you call father, crouching
beside the body of his real son,
Copy !req
973. "This thing killed him. This bastard
spawn of the devil killed my laddie.
Copy !req
974. "You are filth!"
Copy !req
975. No! No!
Copy !req
976. No, no...
Copy !req
977. What are you doing
in the women's toilets, Bruce?
Copy !req
978. Fuck off, Drummond.
Copy !req
979. - You can say it's none of my business.
- It's none of your fucking business!
Copy !req
980. What were you doing
in the women's toilets, Bruce?
Copy !req
981. Look, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
982. I'm just feeling a bit wrong
at the moment. OK?
Copy !req
983. OK, well, if you want to talk
about it, then I'm here.
Copy !req
984. Spare me your airy-fairy,
namby-pamby, care-in-the-community,
Copy !req
985. human-resources, left-wing bullshit.
Copy !req
986. Well, I'm just worried
about you, Bruce.
Copy !req
987. - What did you say?
- I said, I'm worried about you, Bruce.
Copy !req
988. Oh, right, I see.
You're worried about me.
Copy !req
989. What? Oh, don't flatter yourself.
Copy !req
990. I think you're a silly,
silly, little, little man.
Copy !req
991. You fancy me.
Copy !req
992. I have no interest in you, apart
from us having to work together.
Copy !req
993. - Just give in to your instincts, darling.
- Oh, God, you're pathetic.
Copy !req
994. - You're pathetic. You're an alcoholic.
- Fuck off.
Copy !req
995. You stink.
Do you know what, Bruce?
Copy !req
996. You're the kind of sad case
that preys on weak, stupid women
Copy !req
997. in order to boost your
own shattered ego!
Copy !req
998. What about Karen the other night
at the Christmas party?
Copy !req
999. She was wasted, Bruce.
Copy !req
1000. Well, she shouldn't have
fucking drunk then, should she?
Copy !req
1001. She wanted a drink, so she had one.
Copy !req
1002. She wanted a ride,
so she had one of them as well.
Copy !req
1003. So, don't treat me
like a fucking rapist!
Copy !req
1004. Jesus Christ, what are you so
interested in her for anyway?
Copy !req
1005. - Are you a lesbian?
- I'm not a bloody lesbian, Bruce.
Copy !req
1006. I have a boyfriend
and he's far younger than you
Copy !req
1007. and he's far more
intelligent than you
Copy !req
1008. and he's far better endowed than you,
Mr Photocopier Enlargement.
Copy !req
1009. What did you fucking say?
Copy !req
1010. Go on, fucking hit me, Bruce!
Are you gonna hit me, Bruce? Yeah?
Copy !req
1011. No.
Copy !req
1012. Oh, my darling, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
1013. You sicken me.
Copy !req
1014. You repulse me.
Can I make that any fucking plainer?
Copy !req
1015. I wasn't gonna hurt you, you know?
Copy !req
1016. I didn't mean it.
Copy !req
1017. As your colleague...
Copy !req
1018. and as a human being, I'm telling you,
Bruce, you've got some stuff to sort out.
Copy !req
1019. OK? Then you might become
the sort of person
Copy !req
1020. that you seem to imagine
yourself to be,
Copy !req
1021. although Christ only
knows what that is.
Copy !req
1022. I used to be good at
this job, Amanda.
Copy !req
1023. I used to be a good person.
Copy !req
1024. Yeah. I heard that.
Copy !req
1025. - Have you got a wife, Bruce?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
1026. Have you got any kids?
Copy !req
1027. Stacey.
Copy !req
1028. I think they've left me.
Copy !req
1029. I think my family have left me.
Copy !req
1030. I don't know how.
Copy !req
1031. I can't remember why.
Copy !req
1032. OK.
Copy !req
1033. You see, there's
something wrong with me.
Copy !req
1034. There's something
seriously wrong with me.
Copy !req
1035. Have you spoken to anyone?
Have you been to see a doctor?
Copy !req
1036. - Yeah.
- Yeah?
Copy !req
1037. No.
Copy !req
1038. I don't know. I don't know.
Copy !req
1039. No, I'm in charge.
Copy !req
1040. I'm in charge of me.
Copy !req
1041. I'm in charge of this investigation and
don't you ever fucking forget that.
Copy !req
1042. OK, Bruce. You need to listen to me.
Can you hear me?
Copy !req
1043. I'm really worried about you. I don't
think you're fit for work at the moment.
Copy !req
1044. Just you go up there
and suck someone's cock
Copy !req
1045. and stop playing the amateur fucking
psychologist, you evil witch!
Copy !req
1046. Hey, Robbo.
Copy !req
1047. Are you holding a guy
by the name of Clifford Blades?
Copy !req
1048. Do you ever get the impression
he was a pervert?
Copy !req
1049. Just give me the fucking keys!
Copy !req
1050. - You piss-taking little fart!
- What's wrong, Bruce?
Copy !req
1051. You strung me along from the
fucking start! Didn't you?
Copy !req
1052. It wasn't me.
You have to believe it wasn't me.
Copy !req
1053. Don't make me punch your face
through your shoulders
Copy !req
1054. and out through your fucking arse,
you speccy wee fanny!
Copy !req
1055. Why? Why did you drag
me into this, Cliff?
Copy !req
1056. Why did you drag me into this with you?
You're supposed to be my mate.
Copy !req
1057. I didn't. We are mates, Bruce.
Copy !req
1058. You're my best friend, Bruce.
You're my best friend.
Copy !req
1059. Why do you bully me, Bruce?
Copy !req
1060. - What?
- Why do you do it?
Copy !req
1061. Because...
Copy !req
1062. Because I can't fucking help myself.
Copy !req
1063. Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce!
Copy !req
1064. Bruce! Bruce!
Copy !req
1065. Bruce! Bruce! Bruce!
Copy !req
1066. Fuck!
Copy !req
1067. I tried to call you at work.
Where have you been?
Copy !req
1068. - Bruce, Dougie's in hospital.
- And?
Copy !req
1069. He tried to kill himself.
Copy !req
1070. Slashed his wrists.
Copy !req
1071. He found out about us, Bruce.
Copy !req
1072. Couldn't take the humiliation
of that and getting suspended.
Copy !req
1073. How's that my fault?
That's all your fault!
Copy !req
1074. My God, this place fucking stinks.
Copy !req
1075. I just need you to fucking leave!
Copy !req
1076. - Come on.
- No, no, no.
Copy !req
1077. - I wanna turn off the gas for you.
- Chrissie, don't. Chrissie.
Copy !req
1078. - I wanna turn off the gas for you.
- Chrissie, I need you to leave!
Copy !req
1079. Come on! I wanna turn off
the fucking gas for you!
Copy !req
1080. Fucking...
Copy !req
1081. Come on, get fucking hard, you silly
wee poof! Come on, get it in!
Copy !req
1082. Fuck me with that mouse's cock.
Copy !req
1083. What's wrong?
You're crying like a wee laddie.
Copy !req
1084. You're no fun any more, Bruce.
You know that?
Copy !req
1085. I'm not well.
Copy !req
1086. What's wrong with you, man?
Copy !req
1087. I hear voices, Chrissie.
Copy !req
1088. I see things, all the time.
Copy !req
1089. Do you ever hear them?
Copy !req
1090. What are you on about?
Copy !req
1091. Whatever it is you're taking,
you wanna lay off it.
Copy !req
1092. Life's cruel, Bruce. Life's cruel.
Copy !req
1093. People ask me, "Carole, how do you and
Bruce keep the spice in your marriage?"
Copy !req
1094. Well,
I tell them it's really simple.
Copy !req
1095. - I'm just the ultimate tease.
- "I'm just the ultimate tease.
Copy !req
1096. "Me and Bruce,
we're not that different.
Copy !req
1097. "We know what we want
Copy !req
1098. "We know how to get it.
Copy !req
1099. "Like this promotion he's going for.
We both know he'll win.
Copy !req
1100. "And when he does,
Copy !req
1101. "the Robertson household is going
to be one big happy family again.
Copy !req
1102. "I kid you not."
Copy !req
1103. You coming for a wee
ride, sweetheart?
Copy !req
1104. I knew I'd seen you before.
The fucking freak from the tunnel.
Copy !req
1105. You are a sick fairy.
Copy !req
1106. My husband is Detective
Sergeant Bruce Robertson.
Copy !req
1107. We have to go
all the way with this pig.
Copy !req
1108. You know what that means, Ocky?
Copy !req
1109. Hey, hold on, hold on, hold on, right.
Wait a minute.
Copy !req
1110. You can't waste a cop, man.
Copy !req
1111. You never said you were gonna...
Copy !req
1112. - Fuck.
- He saw us do the gook, for fuck's sake!
Copy !req
1113. But dead cunts tell no tales.
Copy !req
1114. We can torch the place with the
pig in it. Or what's left of him.
Copy !req
1115. Smokey bacon, man.
Copy !req
1116. Get your fucking hands off her stuff!
Copy !req
1117. You fucking die.
Copy !req
1118. I want to hear you squeal,
like the fucking pig you are.
Copy !req
1119. Get fucking out.
Copy !req
1120. Don't you leave!
Don't you fucking leave!
Copy !req
1121. Don't you leave this fucking room!
Copy !req
1122. Don't you fucking close that door!
Fuck!
Copy !req
1123. Why didn't you arrest us
when you had the chance?
Copy !req
1124. Scared they'd find out
you're a fucking queer?
Copy !req
1125. - Just you and me, Detective.
- No!
Copy !req
1126. No!
Copy !req
1127. You see, I've always
hated you fucking pigs.
Copy !req
1128. But not in the normal way your average
low-life scum like me hates them.
Copy !req
1129. You see, I've always hated them
in a special way.
Copy !req
1130. But you...
You're different, sweetheart.
Copy !req
1131. I'll make an honest
woman of you yet.
Copy !req
1132. You thought you could take me, eh?
Copy !req
1133. You sick,
Copy !req
1134. sexy, wee pansy.
Copy !req
1135. You really fucked up this time,
didn't you, Bruce?
Copy !req
1136. Ambulance is on the way, Bruce.
Copy !req
1137. Don't go.
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1138. Don't go, brother.
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1139. I just wanted to keep her
close to me, you know?
Copy !req
1140. Might not seem appropriate, but...
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1141. Happy New Year, Robbo.
Copy !req
1142. Aye, happy New Year.
Copy !req
1143. Listen, Bruce, um...
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1144. We obviously had to withdraw
your application for the promotion.
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1145. Now is not the right time
for you to meet the board.
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1146. You see that, right?
Copy !req
1147. Aye.
Copy !req
1148. And you're back in uniform, Bruce.
Copy !req
1149. It is a demotion.
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1150. Of course, Bruce, I don't need to
tell you that obviously I was chuffed
Copy !req
1151. about the promotion.
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1152. But it has been
a bittersweet experience for me.
Copy !req
1153. If you hadn't had the...
the issues you've been having,
Copy !req
1154. I'm sure you would have walked it.
Copy !req
1155. - Aye.
- Aye.
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1156. I suppose everybody feels like this
when they actually get a promotion.
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1157. You know, how best to work
with old mates and all that.
Copy !req
1158. Your methods and mine
are very different.
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1159. And I know we've pulled
some stuff in the past,
Copy !req
1160. but all the coke and the
hookers and stuff...
Copy !req
1161. - That's finito now.
- Aye.
Copy !req
1162. You understand, little piggy?
Copy !req
1163. No hard feelings, eh?
Copy !req
1164. No hard feelings, pal.
Same rules apply.
Copy !req
1165. Oh, by the way...
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1166. I saw your wee speccy mate Bladesey
down the Lodge.
Copy !req
1167. The old phantom phone-caller, eh?
Copy !req
1168. We told the sick bastard he's not welcome
at the Craft if he keeps that shite up.
Copy !req
1169. See you later, then...
Copy !req
1170. Frank.
Copy !req
1171. No, don't...
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1172. OK, let's go...
Let's get out of here.
Copy !req
1173. Stacey!
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1174. St...
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1175. Hey.
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1176. Oh, shit.
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1177. I'm really sorry for startling you...
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1178. No, it's...
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1179. It's OK. It's...
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1180. It's OK.
Copy !req
1181. - Are you all right?
- Uh-huh.
Copy !req
1182. - You look a bit...
- Hmm?
Copy !req
1183. Ah, I'm just, um...
Copy !req
1184. I'm just undercover.
Copy !req
1185. I'm on, um, stakeout and...
Copy !req
1186. You see, there's some really
shifty-looking characters in here tonight
Copy !req
1187. and I'm just trying to blend in.
Copy !req
1188. - Come on, Mummy, I'm hungry.
- I better get him home for his dinner.
Copy !req
1189. Aye, right, of course.
Copy !req
1190. - I'll see you around, then.
- Don't leave.
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1191. Hi, Detective Robertson,
it's Mary here.
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1192. Sorry, I know it's probably
none of my business, but...
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1193. Look, um, I was just
thinking that maybe
Copy !req
1194. me and Euan could pop round
on our way to the park.
Copy !req
1195. Right. Bladesey.
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1196. Uh, first things first.
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1197. You've really got to get rid
of the double glazing, pal.
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1198. Get yourself contact lenses or
something, laser eye treatment
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1199. cos nobody's ever gonna take you seriously
staring through those thick milk bottles.
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1200. Second thing is, you've really
got to try and toughen up.
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1201. Right, you're a nice guy.
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1202. But you're very soft.
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1203. Truth is, people are just as scared
of the world as you are.
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1204. I'm scared of the world.
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1205. I just don't let people
see it, that's all.
Copy !req
1206. And that's what the games are.
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1207. I kid you not, my
sweet, sweet friend.
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1208. You're my best friend.
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1209. My only friend.
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1210. Most important thing is this, though.
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1211. You've got to make
Bunty want you again.
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1212. You'll probably find
that she does actually like you
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1213. if you just asserted yourself
a wee bit more.
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1214. You know, you show her passion
and she will run to you.
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1215. She will love you until
the day you die.
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1216. I may not be the one to be
giving marriage counselling,
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1217. but sometimes it takes a wrongdoer
to show you when you're doing wrong.
Copy !req
1218. I'm sorry, Bladesey.
Copy !req
1219. Really sorry, pal.
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1220. Bunty!
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1221. Same rules apply.
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