- 1. Halloween just got awesome, bitches!
- 2. Prepare for the entrance of Lord Vader.
- 3. Give yourself to the Dark Side.
- 4. It's the only way you can save...
- 5. You wore the same thing last year.
- 6. - You son of a bitch.
- I'm sorry, guys. My codpiece is killing me.
- 7. It's totally restricting my junk.
- 8. You're gonna spill it or fill it, dude?
- 9. Zoe.
- 10. - Hi.
- Oh, my God. It's been a long time.
- 11. - Yeah.
- 12. You are... something with tampons.
- 13. I'm Picasso's Blue Period.
- 14. - Get it? Blue Period.
- 15. And you are? Corporate sleaze?
- 16. Car salesman.
- 17. I came straight from work, so this is...
- 18. - Weak as usual, Bottler.
- Thank you.
- 19. Are you here for a
reunion with the boys?
- 20. Nope. That's just a pleasant surprise.
- 21. Watch the cape, uh, uh...
- 22. Well, enter at your own risk.
- 23. Oh, my God.
- 24. You guys have both got to
stop perpetuating this myth...
- 25. that Boba Fett is some kind of bad-ass.
- 26. All right? He has a jet
pack. So did the Rocketeer.
- 27. - Really cool.
- Here we go.
- 28. When it comes time for battle, the man's
Michael Bay... all style, no substance.
- 29. If you diss the Fett again...
- 30. I will corn-hole you with a lightsaberl
- 31. Jesus. Is that Bottler?
- 32. Hey, guys.
- 33. You got a lot of nerve
showing your face around here.
- 34. Give Daddy a huggy.
- 35. - Yeah!
- 36. You little bastard, I missed you.
- 37. I hope that's just
your blaster poking me.
- 38. - God, it's been parsecs.
- Yeah, it's good to see you too, man.
- 39. - Linus.
- 40. - It's been, like, a year now, right?
- 41. - You still drawing?
- No. I bailed on that shit after high school.
- 42. - How's life in the auto trade?
- Still second in command to the old man.
- 43. Um, you?
- 44. Comic book store's still afloat...
- 45. but the geeks aren't
biting like the old days.
- 46. - You?
- Get my money together so I can start my detailing business.
- 47. I'm gonna call it the Hutch Touch.
- 48. That's funny. I could've sworn you were
delivering pizza and living in your mom's garage.
- 49. It's not a garage.
- 50. It's a carriage house.
- 51. Carriage house.
- 52. How is your carriage?
- 53. Ah! Ah! Ah!
- 54. Hey, uh, have any of you
guys seen the phone jack?
- 55. Uh, no, but I have seen
the social retard...
- 56. who brought his Toughbook to a party.
- 57. - I promised Rogue Leader I'd write her back tonight.
- Oh, God.
- 58. - She is my girlfriend.
- On-line girlfriend.
- 59. I met her in a Jedi chat
room. The woman is perfect.
- 60. She's intelligent and acerbic
and, uh... and a die-hard fan.
- 61. She's even got connections
inside the Lucas camp.
- 62. Who's also got a man
package and a goatee.
- 63. You guys are all just jealous
because she describes herself...
- 64. as a cross between
Sarah Michelle Gellar...
- 65. and Janeane Garofalo.
- 66. Tell 'em how you described yourself.
- 67. I was perfectly honest with her.
- 68. You said you looked like
a white Billy Dee Williams.
- 69. You called yourself white chocolate.
- 70. I am white chocolate.
- 71. Oh, oh! Windows, it's my turn.
- 72. - Give it to me.
- Midnight. Another day down.
- 73. Ah! Okay.
- 74. Official Episode I countdown...
- 75. is six months, 12 days,
eight hours and some change.
- 76. I would sell my soul to see
that movie right here right now.
- 77. Dude, I would sell my left nut.
And I only have the one nut.
- 78. - So you see how serious I am?
- I cannot listen to this shit for another six months.
- 79. Oh, shush your mouth, woman.
You know, we could see the movie.
- 80. - Oh, please, not this again.
- Oh, yes, please, this again.
- 81. " Tell us about the
rabbits, George. George. "
- 82. Imagine.
- 83. Okay?
- 84. We drive across the
country in one night.
- 85. We break into the Skywalker Ranch...
- 86. and steal ourselves a print.
- 87. Yeahl
- 88. You guys have been talking about
this since the fifth grade, okay?
- 89. - It's not gonna happen.
- Why the hell not?
- 90. Well, first of all,
it's 2,000 miles away.
- 91. Second of all, even if you could
get there, you'd be arrested.
- 92. It's been a blast, Bottler.
- 93. Way to douche up the party.
- 94. Nothing is impossible.
- 95. And I'll guarantee I'll find you a new
or used car, or my name isn't Big Chuck.
- 96. - Right, girls?
- 97. Hool
- 98. Yeahl
- 99. All right!
- 100. Attaboy, Eric. Now, see,
that's some slick advertising.
- 101. Thanks, Pop.
- 102. Reminds me of, what, that
Terry Bruckheimer movies.
- 103. Yeah. Top Gun.
- 104. - Thanks.
- Hiya, Eric.
- 105. I'll handle this, Myron. Thanks.
- 106. - Hey.
- We're in the market for some used droids.
- 107. I should start you guys off
with a new set of wheels first...
- 108. unless you're cool riding around
in the same rusted old shit box...
- 109. you've had since the 10th grade.
- 110. Hey, hey, hey!
- 111. She may not look like much, but
she's got it where it counts.
- 112. Uh, why are you guys here?
- 113. Do you wanna look around the lot a
little bit, drive something? What?
- 114. No. Uh, we came to talk about Linus.
- 115. Well, he just needs to
realize that people lose touch.
- 116. - That's just kind of the way things work.
- He's dying, Eric.
- 117. - What?
- He's got cancer, man.
- 118. He's tried everything to get
better, but nothing seems to work.
- 119. Odds say three, four months maybe.
- 120. And you guys are telling me this now?
- 121. We wanted to tell you
months ago, honestly...
- 122. but Linus made us promise
not to say anything.
- 123. The way we see it, you guys have been
best friends since, like, first grade.
- 124. So we figured you got the right to know.
You got the right to make your peace.
- 125. How am I supposed to make my peace when
the guy doesn't even want me to know?
- 126. With all due respect,
Eric, this isn't about you.
- 127. - L... You know what?
- Holy shit.
- 128. - Jesus Christ. - If it ain't
C-3Penis Face and R2-Dickhead.
- 129. What did you just
say, you giant bastard?
- 130. - Well, well put.
- Thank you.
- 131. - Still see you're driving the
nerd-mobile. - Chaz, you're an idiot.
- 132. Hey, you know what? While you're out
here sticking G.I. Joes up your butt...
- 133. I convinced Dad to let
me recut the commercial.
- 134. So suck it. Huh?
- 135. Aw, see, you flinched. That's
gonna be two, Princess Leia.
- 136. Nanu-nanu.
- 137. Get a haircut.
- 138. - We should have killed him when we had the chance.
- 139. Jackass. Linus is coming over to
the carriage house later. So are you.
- 140. Bye, Eric.
- 141. No lightningl No lightningl
- 142. - Aw, shit. I'm a midget.
- I'm gonna flatten your ass right now.
- 143. Ah! Suck it, Count Fagula.
- 144. Wow!
- 145. There's no teaming up. That's a rule!
- 146. Owl Head crampl
- 147. Don't kill me.
- 148. - Hey.
- Donkey balls.
- 149. You made it, man.
- 150. Your mom said clean up this shit-hole
or no grilled cheese for a week?
- 151. That's emotional
blackmail, and you know it!
- 152. - Screw youl
- I will sue you! Renter's rights!
- 153. - You don't pay rentl
- Damn. Damn!
- 154. - What the hell is he doing here, man?
- It was Hutch's idea.
- 155. Grab a controller.
- 156. We're ganging up on
Windows in Mario Kart.
- 157. I can't. I came to
talk to Linus actually.
- 158. Can I talk to you alone, man?
- 159. Linus. Hey, stop walking.
Linus! Hold up, man.
- 160. - Stop. What the hell, man? I did nothing to you.
- Exactly. You did nothing.
- 161. Absolutely nothing.
- 162. Eric Bottler graduates high
school and never looks back.
- 163. You bailed on our plan, Bottler!
- 164. What plan? To be the
next big thing in comics?
- 165. Come on, man. That
was never gonna happen.
- 166. I did what I had to do, dude. I
grew up. I'm the only one who did.
- 167. - Look at you guys.
- You can fool everybody...
- 168. with this cheap suit,
- 169. But I know you better than anybody...
- 170. and deep down, you are one
miserable son of a bitch.
- 171. - Miserable, huh?
- Yeah. Miserable.
- 172. Miserable is wasting your life in
Hutch's garage playing video games...
- 173. arguing whether or not Luke
really had a thing for Leia.
- 174. You know as well as anybody...
- 175. that as soon as Luke knew Leia
was his sister, it was hands off.
- 176. They still kiss.
- 177. That was Leia kissing
Luke to make Han jealous.
- 178. That was the second
time. The first time...
- 179. The first time they're about to die!
- 180. - They were not, you liar.
- They were swinging 30,000 feet in the air.
- 181. You know when you're a sibling,
okay? There's something innate.
- 182. - There's no telepathy between Luke and Leia till Episode VI.
- It spans the ocean.
- 183. It was romance in a sci-fi opera!
- 184. Who cares about this shit, man? Huh?
- 185. - Who cares about...
- I do. I care.
- 186. You need a new car.
- 187. They were siblings. They were
siblings, you sick bastard!
- 188. You are trapped now.
- 189. You've made your last mistake.
- 190. We need to talk.
- 191. Sure, Pop. What's up?
- 192. Okay. Here's the deal.
- 193. It's time for the world to see
the new face of this company.
- 194. And his name's Big Eric.
- 195. Big Eric who?
- 196. Big Eric you.
- 197. It's all yours, kiddo.
The entire shebang.
- 198. All 15 locations, from here to Seattle.
- 199. I mean... Uh, yes.
- 200. Yeah. I mean, wow.
- 201. - Take the hat.
- I can't take your hat.
- 202. Go ahead.
- 203. No, really. It looks good on you.
- 204. - Take the hat.
- But it's really...
- 205. - Take the damn hat.
- Yeah. I'll wear it for...
- 206. My God. Your mom would be so
proud to see you in that hat.
- 207. I know, Pop.
- 208. Hey. You and me? Tanning Tuesdays?
- 209. You want to take your shirt off.
- 210. You want to take your shirt off. God.
- 211. - You wanna take that shirt off?
- 212. You have been trying thatJedi mind
shit on me since the eighth grade.
- 213. - It doesn't work.
- Oh, it works. Tell her, Windows.
- 214. He's been geeking out with
Rogue Leader all morning.
- 215. Nothing can tear him away.
- 216. - Ah!
- Rogue Leader, you are wicked.
- 217. Ah, I love the feeling of
fresh air on my naked breasts.
- 218. Oh, ho-ho!
- 219. See that? Man's immune to sweater yams.
- 220. What about me? I like sweater yams!
- 221. Hey.
- 222. What'll it be, fellas?
- 223. - How much for the phaser gun?
- For the phaser gun?
- 224. Sorry, Garfunkel. We
don't hock Trek here.
- 225. Well, then, Slim, if you
don't sell the Trek...
- 226. then why do you have a
phaser gun in the case?
- 227. We keep this one here to suss out
Trekkie bitches like yourself...
- 228. and tell them to get
the hell off of our land.
- 229. So get the hell off of our land.
- 230. Get the hell off of our land!
Get the hell out of here! Now!
- 231. Get out ofhere, you
- 232. - Hey.
- 233. You guys know where a guy can pawn
off a first edition Eric Bottler comic?
- 234. - Hey!
- Holy cannolis.
- 235. Look at that. Yeah. That's awesome.
- 236. Dude, you had sick skills back then.
You should've stuck with it, brother.
- 237. Yeah. I would've been broke and
living in my parents' garage.
- 238. - It's a carriage house.
- Right. I know it is.
- 239. I have something else that
you guys might wanna check out.
- 240. Well, what have we got here?
- 241. Ohio to Califor... Is
this what I think it is?
- 242. Linus laid the whole
thing out in fifth grade.
- 243. I figure it's time for
another epic journey, isn't it?
- 244. What's your game plan?
- 245. We storm the ranch, or we die trying.
- 246. Yeah.
- 247. Well, you guys were all
about this at the party.
- 248. - We were six Zimas to the wind at the party.
- 249. Come on. You even said the Rogue Leader
has connections inside the ranch, right?
- 250. Rogue Leader? Please, man.
Windows never even met him.
- 251. - Her!
- 252. - Maybe it's time that he does.
- Dude, this is a suicide mission, man.
- 253. Why would we even try
anything like this?
- 254. For Linus.
- 255. Huh?
- 256. No.
- 257. - No?
- No. I'm not going.
- 258. Aw, Linus, you've got to go.
- 259. This is a conquest for the ages.
- 260. Our names shall become legend...
- 261. spoken in hushed tones by
nerds across the galaxy.
- 262. And we'll get laid.
- 263. - Okay, please stop that.
- Sorry. I was getting into that.
- 264. I just don't wanna go
with Opie over there.
- 265. Check this out, man.
- 266. Floor plans to the Lucas Ranch.
- 267. - Yeah. Mm-hmm. - Are you
kidding? How did you get these?
- 268. My life partner, Rogue Leader,
she can break us in, man.
- 269. The question you got
to ask yourself is...
- 270. " Do you have the nut sack
to go through with it?"
- 271. If I do this, it
doesn't change anything.
- 272. I'll grab my suitcase
and some Big League Chew.
- 273. - Yes!
- ThunderCats! Ho!
- 274. - Told you. I knew he'd go.
- Stop humping.
- 275. Please stop humping. Just high five.
- 276. - Oh, God. I'm Jabba the Hump.
- Oh, goddamn it.
- 277. - Chewie!
- Chewie! Damn it!
- 278. Wait a second. Whoa.
What the hell's Chewie?
- 279. It's the same rules as shotgun.
Either way, I always lose.
- 280. - Furball, you do the honors?
- 281. Strap in, fellas.
- 282. Whool
- 283. What the hell, Hutch? It's all Rush.
- 284. - Ever want a little variety?
- Rush is variety, bitch.
- 285. Ohl
- 286. Rule number one: In my van, it's Rush.
- 287. All Rush, all the time.
- 288. No exceptions.
- 289. Rule number two:
- 290. Nobody touch the red button.
- 291. And I mean never touch the red button.
- 292. Most importantly,
- 293. there's no jerking it in my van.
- 294. What?
- 295. Fine.
- 296. Don't roll your eyes
at me, Admiral Jackbar.
- 297. " Established in 1985...
- 298. " the Skywalker Ranch
is the headquarters...
- 299. of George Lucas's filmmaking empire. "
- 300. So according to Rogue Leader's map...
- 301. our best odds for finding the
film is in here... the main house.
- 302. Oh, my God. That place is legendary.
- 303. And we meet Rogue Leader at a coffee
shop in Texas Wednesday, 3:00 p. M. Sharp.
- 304. - Mm-hmm. - She's gonna give us
absolutely everything we need...
- 305. - to get into the compound.
- 306. White chocolate finally
gets to meet his dream girl.
- 307. - Ohl
- Oohl Oohl
- 308. Well, according to this, 80
West is our fastest route.
- 309. So we got 26 hours to
make it to Texas, boys.
- 310. Consider it done.
- 311. Ah!
- 312. Wakey, wakey. Hands off steakey.
- 313. - It's time for Hutch's pit stop.
- Where are we?
- 314. Some say heaven. I like to call it Iowa.
- 315. Iowa? What about Rogue Leader?
- 316. - Iowa?
- Yeah. I made a little detour.
- 317. Hutch, we're supposed
to be going to Texas.
- 318. Welcome to Riverside, gentlemen...
- 319. future birthplace of one
Captain James T. Kirk.
- 320. Enemy territory! Nice.
- 321. Man, you drove all night for this?
- 322. Dude, I'd drive all year for the
chance to pimp slap some Trekkies.
- 323. You know what? Leave me out of it.
- 324. Let's crack some Trekkie skulls!
- 325. Let's do itl
- 326. And it is believed that
on this very spot...
- 327. Captain James Tiberius
Kirk will be born.
- 328. Hence, the statue immortalizing him...
- 329. grappling with his
most accursed nemesis.
- 330. Ricardo Montalbán?
- 331. Genetically engineered tyrant Khan.
- 332. - It doesn't look like either of them.
- Thank you for pointing that out.
- 333. That is because the whores at Viacom
International threatened to sue us...
- 334. if we used their
likenesses, so we make do.
- 335. Yes. The gentleman in the beige.
- 336. I was wondering what did Sulu
find in Captain Kirk's lavatory.
- 337. Sulu clearly found a standard issue
Starfleet Z23 personal refuse device.
- 338. I believe it was the Captain's log.
- 339. Very good.
- 340. A laugh a day keeps the doctor
away, everyone. We've been saved.
- 341. - Ooh.
- Any other comic relief?
- 342. - Ah!
- There's still homeless out there.
- 343. - Hey!
- Yes! What? You! What? Yes.
- 344. What is the Klingon translation
for, "You're gonna die a virgin"?
- 345. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Hilarious, everyone.
- 346. Looks like we got more Lucas
hounds here to mock Roddenberry.
- 347. Congratulations, gentlemen,
but I would like to see...
- 348. your Darth Vader take on one Borg drone.
- 349. And we'll see who's
laughing then. Am I right?
- 350. Darth Vader can put the entire Borg
collective in a vice grip with his mind.
- 351. Uh, Darth Vader has asthma...
- 352. so name me one Star Trek character
with a respiratory disease...
- 353. 'cause I'm drawing a blank.
- 354. Name me one Star Wars
character who's gay.
- 355. - Yeah.
- Besides you.
- 356. Well, no one's gay in Star Trek,
so why would I even do that?
- 357. Captain Picard.
- 358. Captain Picard is not gay. He's British.
- 359. Come on. " Make
- 360. I hate to break it to you
losers, but Han Solo's a bitch.
- 361. Ah, no, he didn't. No, he didn't.
- 362. What did you just say?
- 363. - Is there a problem here?
- Yeah, there sure is, Spock.
- 364. The admiral here just
called Han Solo a bitch.
- 365. - Good one.
- Some pretty strong words for a Trekkie.
- 366. A Trekkie is derogatory
at this point in the game.
- 367. Trekker is what we're
called now. Trekker.
- 368. Oh, I'm sorry. Trekkie.
- 369. Just take a look-see here.
- 370. What's with the man-purse?
- 371. Yep. As I thought...
- 372. scanner reads " douche bag. "
- 373. Push me, I'll kill your whole Starfleet.
- 374. Unbelievable!
- 375. Snikt! Snitk! Come on, bub!
- 376. Attack, you cowards! That's an order!
- 377. - Hutch!
- Cover me, Windowsl
- 378. Evasive maneuvers! Evasive maneuvers!
- 379. - My ear!
- 380. Nighty-night,
- 381. Beam this, bitch!
- 382. Time-out! I call
- 383. - Disable their vehicle.
- Get in! Go!
- 384. Get in the vanl Get in the vanl
- 385. Disable the vehicle.
- 386. Kill the Star-roids!
- 387. Get theml
- 388. Han Solo is still a bitch!
- 389. Nobody calls Han Solo a bitch.
- 390. Yeah!
- 391. Hey, Bottler, hit 'em
with the pressed ham!
- 392. Klingon to this.
- 393. Kha-a-a-an!
- 394. Kha-a-a-an!
- 395. Whoo!
- 396. I took that Vulcan down hard.
- 397. I rolled him into the dirt
like he was my frickin tauntaun.
- 398. Tauntaun, my ass. If it wasn't
for me, you guys would all be dead.
- 399. What fight were you watching?
I was channeling the emperor.
- 400. The emperor? I don't remember the emperor
crapping his robe and screaming "time-out. "
- 401. - Oh, my God. That's right. -
There is such a thing as time-out.
- 402. I can feel your anger growing
inside. Wait. Time-out.
- 403. All right. Time-out.
- 404. We had to take your van, Hutch.
- 405. I have access to literally
thousands of vehicles...
- 406. but we had to take your van.
- 407. Yeah, well, I had a spare tire...
- 408. but some tardo took it out to make
some room for his grappling hook.
- 409. What? We're on a covert operation.
- 410. How can you be on a covert
operation without a grappling hook?
- 411. Oh! Wait.
- 412. What in Greedo's name is that?
- 413. Talk about a wretched
hive of scum and villainy.
- 414. Hmm.
- 415. You guys stay right here.
I'll take care of this.
- 416. How you doing, fellas? Hi, fellas.
- 417. So our car broke down
a couple of miles back.
- 418. Is there anyone you
know who can help us?
- 419. No.
- 420. Can I have some water?
- 421. Yeah, a glass of water, please.
- 422. Great.
- 423. Pirate teeth. Pirate teeth.
- 424. - Pirate teeth. Don't.
- Thank you.
- 425. A hundred bucks.
- 426. For a glass of water? That's
ridiculous. I'm not gonna pay that.
- 427. Sure you will.
- 428. Hell, no. Hell, no.
Back up, buddy. Back off.
- 429. Word to the wise, ese.
- 430. - Oohl - Drop the tough-ass
biker routine before I get angry.
- 431. And you won't like me when I'm angry.
- 432. Hmm, I think I would.
- 433. - Hutch, let's not do this.
- Hutch, maybe...
- 434. Nah. Nah. Nah.
- 435. This guy wants to dick
with me, fine. I can dick.
- 436. I used to rape guys 15
times your size in prison.
- 437. So you best back off...
- 438. - or, so help me God, I'm gonna pound your ass so hard...
- Oh, Jesus.
- 439. - No. Hutch.
- 440. - There's kind of a thing in this bar. Like that.
- 441. Lxnay on the ass pounding.
- 442. A hundred dollars? That's cool.
- 443. Afraid it's too late for that, ese.
- 444. Our midnight entertainment bailed.
- 445. Time to pay for that drink.
- 446. Oh, dear God. We're gonna
die up here, aren't we?
- 447. We have to strip to Menudo?
- 448. You got a problem with
Menudo? Now, take it off!
- 449. That's it, man!
- 450. " Nobody puts Baby in a corner!"
- 451. You want some Swayze action, bitches?
- 452. Yeah! You like that, huh?
- 453. Whoo!
- 454. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do
it, and you're gonna like it!
- 455. He's got one ball. Un testículo.
- 456. Oh, that's disgusting.
- 457. Okay, I had a...
- 458. torrid lightsaber battle
went wrong when I was a child.
- 459. All right, all right, all
right. Show's over, fellas.
- 460. - You boys took a wrong turn?
- Our car broke down.
- 461. The Chief can fix it.
- 462. The Chief?
- 463. This is some kick-ass
guac you whipped up, man.
- 464. - I feel funny.
- 465. - I feel good.
- Karate is cool.
- 466. Guys, I don't think we're eating...
- 467. your everyday garden-variety guacamole.
- 468. I got recipe from Emeril.
- 469. Avocado, onion, chopped garlic... Bam!
- 470. - Bam!
- 471. And the Chief's secret ingredient.
- 472. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- 473. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- 474. - What?
- 475. There's an ewok right beside you.
- 476. Oh, wow. She's humping your
leg. It's humping your leg.
- 477. She's humping your leg. I love you.
- 478. Wahh!
- 479. Death is but a path to life,
a passage to the stars...
- 480. to the universe.
- 481. I know what you mean.
- 482. You mean the Force.
- 483. The Force.
- 484. Guys, my dad is gonna kill me
if I don't get to work on Monday.
- 485. Putz. Screw it, man.
- 486. - No!
- Join me, Son.
- 487. Come to the Dark Side.
- 488. - The Dark Side.
- No! No!
- 489. Rogue Leader.
- 490. What the hell you doing,
man? You're poking me.
- 491. Oh, God. Don't flatter yourself, okay?
- 492. It's just my R2. My lucky R2.
- 493. Man, you wish you had the
height and girth of D2.
- 494. - Yeahl
- 495. Hah! Van!
- 496. Son of a whore! The Buce is back.
- 497. The Chief fixed it
while you were asleep.
- 498. The Chief fixed it. Is he
around? Can we thank him?
- 499. He's the Chief. You're
the Chief, aren't you?
- 500. - Why didn't you say so?
- The Chief likes to refer to himself in the third person.
- 501. It causes confusion,
especially with the bitches.
- 502. Well, you're cool as balls,
you burned-out old hash-head.
- 503. Wonder Twins power activate.
- 504. It's been interesting.
- 505. Thanks.
- 506. You need it more than I do.
- 507. Wow. Thank you. I, uh...
- 508. - Good luck.
- 509. Who's up for Texas, boys?
- 510. Hey...
- 511. Yeah!
- 512. - Yes! - #Bah,
- 513. Thank you for the blue balls, ladiesl
- 514. Harrison Ford is the
greatest actor of all timel
- 515. In the history of cinema?
- 516. He's Han Solo, Indiana Jones. Yes!
- 517. - Deckard from Blade Runner.
- Yes. Exactly.
- 518. Greatest actor of all time.
- 519. He's never done a bad movie.
- 520. Does that sign say " electric
fence"? Watch this. Ready?
- 521. Let's just hope she's still here.
- 522. Oh, she'll be here.
- 523. Give her a taste of
that white chocolate.
- 524. What do you think?
- 525. Oh, my God.
- 526. - 'Toid me.
- You ready?
- 527. - Yeah. Thank you.
- 528. Go get her.
- 529. Hi there.
- 530. Oh, my God!
- 531. Rogue Leader, I presume?
- 532. Red 6?
- 533. Let me just put my glasses on.
- 534. What the hell?
- 535. You're a kid. You're 12.
- 536. - I'm 10.
- You're 10?
- 537. I'm a pedophile! I'm a pedophile!
- 538. - I'm a pedophile!
- Give us a moment, please.
- 539. I have to leave this state at once.
- 540. Yea! Yea!
- 541. That was fantastic.
- 542. We drove a thousand miles, Windows.
- 543. A thousand. For what?
- 544. So you can get funky with
- 545. It's not really sex if it's cyber-sex.
- 546. Relax. We're gonna sit down. We're
gonna put on our thinking caps.
- 547. - And we're gonna get a better plan.
- No, it's...
- 548. I have to be back by Monday.
- 549. I haven't told you
guys this yet, but my...
- 550. My dad gave me the company.
- 551. - Hey!
- Thanks, man.
- 552. Yeah, the whole thing. The
whole thing is mine now.
- 553. What's the new game plan?
- 554. Let's get in the van and
get the hell out of here.
- 555. - This is just a minor setback.
- It's a minor setback for you.
- 556. I live in the real world,
okay? I have to go back to work.
- 557. You have to go back
to... your mom's garage.
- 558. - It's a carriage house.
- It's a garage, man.
- 559. - Say it again.
- It's a garage.
- 560. - Excuse me. Excuse me.
- 561. - Holding my schlong!
- Okay! Okay.
- 562. - Harry Knowles.
- Harry who?
- 563. - Hello.
- This man is the ultimate fanboy, Eric.
- 564. His Web site "A in't it Cool News"
is like every geek's homepage.
- 565. Which one of you's Windows?
- 566. Me.
- 567. I'm Windows.
- 568. - Nice to meet you...
- 569. Back off!
- 570. - Oh, God!
- 571. Harry Knowles is kicking Windows's ass.
- 572. Now, you listen to me, perv.
- 573. If you ever e-mail my niece again,
I will hunt you down like a T-1000.
- 574. Okay, Mr. Knowles, he
didn't know... Okay.
- 575. - You will release my friends.
- 576. We wanted to break into the Skywalker Ranch.
Kimmy said she'd give us the floor plans.
- 577. We were gonna break in and
steal Episode I, that's it.
- 578. That is the stupidest thing I've heard
since Schumacher put nips on Batman.
- 579. - Ohh!
- These aren't the droids you're looking for, man.
- 580. - Heh!
- Anybody else have any stupid comments?
- 581. It's very stupid, but true. We've been
planning this since we were like six.
- 582. Listen. Harry, Harry, Harry.
- 583. If you help us out, we'll give you
all the exclusive spoilers and all.
- 584. - Okay?
- 585. That's an interesting offer.
Episode Vwas directed by who?
- 586. - Irvin Kershner. -
That was just a warm-up.
- 587. You. In Episode VI when Leia
shoots down two scout troopers...
- 588. why doesn't she take one of the
speeder bikes instead of walking?
- 589. If you pay attention closely,
the speeder bikes were destroyed.
- 590. And then Luke refers to it
later on in the dialogue.
- 591. Impressive. I wasn't really
worried about you though.
- 592. What was Luke Skywalker's call sign
during the rebel assault in Episode IV?
- 593. Red 5.
- 594. You are all only as strong
as your weakest link.
- 595. Hello, weakest link.
- 596. - What?
- What is the name of Chewbacca's home planet?
- 597. It's never discussed in
the movies. That's not fair.
- 598. I know. I know.
- 599. Do you give up?
- 600. Come on, man. Say it.
- 601. Kashyyyk. Kashyyyk. Chewie's
home planet is Kashyyyk.
- 602. Chewie's home planet is Kashyyyk.
- 603. Well played, boys. I'll help you.
- 604. You're gonna meet my friend in Vegas.
- 605. - He's got everything you need. Okay?
- 606. - How will we know who he is?
- Oh, don't worry. You'll know.
- 607. The password: Scruffy Nerfherder.
- 608. - Scruffy Nerfherder.
- Good luck, boys.
- 609. Nice detailing.
- 610. We're going to Vegas, fellas.
- 611. Hey, Hutch, you mind slowing down?
- 612. Sorry. I don't speak jagoff.
- 613. I just thought it might be
nice to get to Vegas alive.
- 614. Are you kidding me?
- 615. We got Imperial bacon.
- 616. Okay, probably not the best
time to tell you guys this...
- 617. but, uh, there's a giant bag of
peyote in the back of the van.
- 618. - What?
- Excuse me?
- 619. The Chief gave it to me.
- 620. Hutch, just pull over and
get the ticket, man, okay?
- 621. We can't pull over with a
big-ass bag of peyote on us.
- 622. Pull over and stopl
- 623. Do what he says, Hutch.
Do what he says, Hutch.
- 624. - Don't do what he says.
- Do what he says, Hutch.
- 625. - It's gonna be okay, fellas. It's gonna be okay.
- Pull over, man.
- 626. Suck my exhaust, pork rind!
- 627. - Oh, my God.
- Oh, Jesus!
- 628. - Talk to me, Goose.
- Talk to you? He's back.
- 629. - He found us!
- 630. - Move this piece of shit!
- You don't call my van a piece of shit!
- 631. - Well?
- Hey, ladies, ladies!
- 632. You got to break rule number two.
- 633. - Chewie, prepare to make the jump to hyperspace.
- 634. Okay, I'm ready.
- 635. Somebody tell me what the
goddamn red button's for!
- 636. It's light speed, kid.
- 637. - Light speed?
- 638. Punch it!
- 639. What the... Come on!
- 640. - You're not gonna do this to me now.
- No. Okay, I'm resetting.
- 641. Light speed. Impressive.
- 642. I put a tank of nitrous in
this thing. It's not firing.
- 643. - Hutch, please do something.
- 644. Damn it.
- 645. Whoo!
- 646. Oh, my God!
- 647. It's working! Whoo!
- 648. - Stay on target! Stay on target!
- Oh, Godl
- 649. Oh, shit!
- 650. I probably shouldn't have
called that cop a fag.
- 651. I think he took it the wrong way.
- 652. Breakfast.
- 653. - Oh, God.
- 654. - Jesus!
- Oh, God.
- 655. Ham and cheese.
- 656. Well, look on the bright side, you
guys. This trip can't get any worse.
- 657. It just did, boys.
- 658. - What?
- I got to drop a sewer pickle.
- 659. Yeah, I got to throw her into reverse.
- 660. Bottler, give me your sandwich, bro.
- 661. Hook me up. Another one.
- 662. - What's the sandwich for?
- I don't know.
- 663. I'm not gonna sit on this.
- 664. - Oh, Hutch!
- 665. It's crawling with criminal ass germs.
- 666. - Just hover, man. -
Okay, listen up, pre-pubes.
- 667. You got a visitor... Sweet can of corn.
- 668. What are you doing with that ham sandwich,
boy? It's not right what you're doing.
- 669. Hutch, you owe me a sock.
- 670. I had to wipe with something.
- 671. You pussies owe me, big time.
- 672. - Oh, Zoe, thank God.
- We weren't sure if you'd gotten our message.
- 673. If by message you mean Windows shrieking into
my answering machine like a little girl...
- 674. - then yes, message received.
- You don't know what we've been through.
- 675. Hutch just took a dump in front of us.
- 676. Yeah. That's life inside the big house.
- 677. Zoe, promise me you brought the money.
- 678. I cleared out every cent
Windows had in the comic store.
- 679. - You what?
- Oh! Don't even speak.
- 680. I took two taxis, an airplane
and an all-night bus ride...
- 681. next to an old man that I am
pretty sure had a full diaper.
- 682. Hey, hey, okay. Okay,
visiting time's over.
- 683. The judge wants to see y'all
in his private chambers.
- 684. Oh, yeah. Just one more thing.
- 685. Whatever you do, do not
make fun of his name.
- 686. Let me see if I got this right.
- 687. Now, you tried to outrun
an officer of the law...
- 688. because you obtained a bag of
peyote from a Mexican Indian chief...
- 689. who thought it would help treat
your friend's terminal illness?
- 690. - Yes.
- 691. I'm gonna let you boys go.
- 692. Not because I believe you.
- 693. - Because I believe your father.
- My father?
- 694. - Mm-hmm. - You actually
spoke with my dad?
- 695. Sure did.
- 696. He wanted me to give you this message.
- 697. Approach the bench.
- 698. Have a nice day, son.
- 699. Yeah. Man's gone carbonite freeze on us.
- 700. We got to be in Vegas
in less than 24 hours.
- 701. All right. I'm gonna go
smack some sense into the boy.
- 702. Whoa. Cut him some slack.
- 703. Okay.
- 704. I just mapped out our route
to Vegas on my Toughbook...
- 705. and the closest airport's about
a hundred miles north of here.
- 706. So all we got to do is
drop the ol' Zoe off...
- 707. and then it's a straight
shot to Sin City.
- 708. Ho! Hold on.
- 709. You haul my ass out into
the middle of nowhere...
- 710. and expect me to just jump
on the first plane back?
- 711. Sorry. It's not gonna happen.
- 712. Come on. You know this trip is men only.
- 713. I tell you what.
- 714. I'll get on the plane if any
one of you can take me down.
- 715. Listen, Princess.
- 716. No one wants to see you get hurt.
- 717. I'm gonna get Botts.
- 718. - Get off of mel
- Oh, my Godl
- 719. - Be a man, Hutch.
- Get her off of me!
- 720. - Hutch, say " time-out.
" - Don't just stand there!
- 721. Shoot herl Somebody shoot herl
- 722. - Help me, for God sake! God help me!
- 723. - Get the jaws oflifel
- I'm good.
- 724. Welcome aboard.
- 725. - Now go get Eric.
- Yes, sir!
- 726. And be nice.
- 727. You're lucky I have a crush on you.
- 728. Yo, Botts, you okay?
- 729. You know, I could do
this... start a life here.
- 730. Clean slate. Fresh air.
- 731. No pressure, no responsibility.
- 732. Yeah, it seems nice, man.
- 733. In theory it sounds nice.
- 734. I bet there's not even like a Blockbuster
Video within 500 miles of here.
- 735. Or like a Falafel Hut or...
- 736. Guys, shut up.
- 737. I just figured if I...
- 738. worked hard and...
- 739. sold enough cars and impressed
my dad enough times, I'd...
- 740. I'd feel something.
- 741. You gotta find your Death Star.
- 742. Okay, I'll bite.
- 743. Greatest deed Luke Skywalker ever did...
- 744. was take down the Death Star, right?
- 745. As far as I'm concerned,
that's what everybody needs.
- 746. You need that one bad-ass thing...
- 747. that lets you live on forever, you know.
- 748. Yeah.
- 749. Hey, Spice Girlsl
- 750. Are you gonna swap recipes all day?
- 751. Vegas awaits, ladies.
- 752. - Wow!
- 753. And here's where you learn
how to do Vegas, fanboy style.
- 754. You guys thinking what I'm thinking?
- 755. They are everywhere, Giles.
- 756. Mama, star people.
- 757. This is so gay.
- 758. Ow!
- 759. Let me get that for you.
- 760. You, uh... You might
wanna hit the showers.
- 761. 'Cause you smell like
something shit in my nose.
- 762. - Yes, Your Highnessness.
- 763. What in God's name is living on your
chest? It looks like you fell on ALF.
- 764. - Godl
- Look who's back in uniform.
- 765. - Nice.
- Yeah, it's almost 8:00, so we gotta go meet Harry's contact.
- 766. Then let's go.
- 767. - You guys coming?
- I'll catch up with you guys later.
- 768. I'm just gonna do a bit of
pillagin' the tables first.
- 769. - Twenty-two.
Loser. - Ah, Jesus!
- 770. That is mathematically impossible.
- 771. I must have the worst luck
in the northern hemisphere.
- 772. I heard about the Rogue Leader debacle.
- 773. - That's one for the record books.
- 774. A cross between Sarah Michelle Gellar and
Janeane Garofalo, it's too good to be true.
- 775. I just have to face the
facts, Zoe. I'm 24 years old...
- 776. and I've only ever
copulated with one woman.
- 777. Plenty of guys have
only been with one woman.
- 778. I don't know that many women to
have only been with one woman.
- 779. I, uh... I'm female kryptonite.
- 780. Look, you're fine around me.
- 781. Well, yeah, of course
I am. That's 'cause...
- 782. you are not a girl.
- 783. You know what I mean?
- 784. No. Please enlighten me.
- 785. You know every Bond villain, you
constantly quote Clash of the Titans...
- 786. and you've beat every Zelda
game Nintendo's ever released.
- 787. - I mean...
- Dude, dude, dude. Three o'clock, man.
- 788. Hotties on the slotties.
- 789. I would knock the
nickels out of that pussy!
- 790. Dude, you're gonna be my Dak
today, all right? Follow my lead.
- 791. - Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa. You wanna just talk to them?
- Yeah. It's called having balls.
- 792. Or in your case, one ball. Come
on. Eric and Linus are waiting.
- 793. What are you, the wife? Let's go.
- 794. - Wait. You're going over there?
- 795. Turns out you're more
clueless than you think.
- 796. - Apparently, so am I.
- What does that mean? Zoe!
- 797. - Zoel
- Come on.
- 798. - Pardon me.
- Hi there.
- 799. - Hello. How are you?
- 800. - Hi.
- 801. You ladies looking for
love in Alderaan places?
- 802. - Excuse me?
- Alderaan is the last planet destroyed by the Death Star...
- 803. Bomba, bomba, bomba!
- 804. What my socially retarded
friend was trying to say...
- 805. was that we'd like to maybe
buy you two gals a beverage.
- 806. - Sure.
- 807. Oh, my God. Wow.
- 808. You know, uh, Eric and
Linus are waiting for us.
- 809. I think that they're
going to understand.
- 810. They're going to understand.
- 811. Where are they, man? It's
almost... It's almost 8:00!
- 812. I don't know where they are, but we
don't have time to wait for 'em. Come on.
- 813. Convention room's this way. Let's go.
- 814. - Rak nonl
- Yes, sir!
- 815. Phasers on stun.
- 816. Being the C.E.O. Of my own company...
- 817. I'm not gonna lie to
you, I get a lot of perks.
- 818. I got a big-ass mansion, you know.
- 819. I got a butler... Maurice.
- 820. Bentley in the drive. Flux capacitor.
- 821. I mean, the 1.21 gigawatts,
that don't come cheap, you know.
- 822. - But I got the duckets, you know.
- 823. There's nothing more sexy
than a man with power.
- 824. What do you mean?
Like... You like power?
- 825. - Uh-huh. -
I like power.
- 826. - I got a hell of a lot of power.
- 827. Yeah.
- 828. You want to come sit on my lap.
- 829. Oh. Wow.
- 830. You want to take your shirt off.
- 831. Wow-ar-r-rm.
- 832. Yummy!
- 833. Oh, my God.
- 834. - Can you smell that?
- 835. Yeah.
- 836. Badges.
- 837. Yeah, we're not here for the Trek.
- 838. Okay? We're here to see somebody.
- 839. And who would that be?
- 840. We're here to see the nerfherder.
- 841. - Hmm?
- Scruffy Nerfherder.
- 842. Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop!
- 843. And then Zoe just storms off.
- 844. I mean, she's really...
- 845. a very difficult specimen
to read sometimes.
- 846. If you know what I mean. But I...
- 847. You just can't act like that
if you wanna be one of the guys.
- 848. Maybe... she doesn't
wanna be one of the guys.
- 849. She likes you.
- 850. But I didn't... But she kind of just...
- 851. Jesus Murphy!
- 852. Wow. Okay.
- 853. What-What should I do?
- 854. Well, if there's one thing
I learned being an escort...
- 855. it's that actions
speak louder than words.
- 856. Did you just say " escort"?
- 857. Fantastic.
- 858. Shh!
- 859. - I don't think we're alone.
- 860. You're latel
- 861. It's all there... maps, pass codes...
- 862. phony I.D.'s to get you past the front
gates, but that's not what's most important.
- 863. What's most important?
- 864. We never met.
- 865. - That's Capt...
- Yeah. I think...
- 866. I should... Hi. I can't believe
that these are classified.
- 867. And there's... Look at the
maps. I mean, there's badges.
- 868. And there's Trekkin'with
TJ. What is this for?
- 869. Just something for the ride.
- 870. - Thank you.
- This is unreal. How did you score all this stuff?
- 871. Are you kidding? I'm William
Shatner. I can score anything.
- 872. - Okay.
- How 'bout... How 'boutJeri Ryan's panties?
- 873. - Oh.
- 874. - I'm so glad that we met.
- Me too.
- 875. This is... Whoa. Hey. Wait, wait.
- 876. Okay, let me go.
- 877. - Hutch, private convo. Jesus.
- What the hell are you...
- 878. What are you doing, man?
Get the hell out ofhere.
- 879. It's not a good time. The
Force is strong with me here.
- 880. - Actually, your hour's over.
- What do you mean, " over"?
- 881. - Hutch, they're hookers.
- We're not hookers. We're escorts.
- 882. - The difference being?
- I don't know.
- 883. Excuse me. Sorry. You telling me...
- 884. that I just spent the last hour
sweet talking a smoking, hot whore?
- 885. - You could always pay for another hour.
- How much?
- 886. - One thousand.
- 887. - Mm-hmm. - Each!
I want a refund.
- 888. - Give me a refund.
- Is that possible?
- 889. You know what? We're male prostitutes
and you owe us a thousand dollarsl
- 890. - You can talk it over with Roach.
- 891. - Hi, Daddy.
- Greetings and salutations. It is payday.
- 892. - Ten-thousand shares
of Priceline? - Anything.
- 893. - Wow.
- Next time you see Harry Knowles, tell him we're square.
- 894. Friends of yours?
- 895. Cry havoc!
- 896. Zinfandel. That's a good vintage.
- 897. Uh, this has all been a
really big misunderstanding.
- 898. You see, my friend and I, we didn't
know that we were on the clock, per se.
- 899. You thought you were getting
that for free, did ya?
- 900. - Uh, Mr. Roach?
- 901. Would you mind not eating
those peanuts 'cause...
- 902. Buddy, these are like
$10 a peanut, you know.
- 903. - Oh, yeah?
- 904. Well, why don't you take
it out of the $2,000...
- 905. that you and your skinny little
idiot friend owe me, how's that sound?
- 906. - Rebel Alliance, dude.
- What? Enunciate.
- 907. - Rebel Alliance.
- Rebel Alliance.
- 908. We recognize the tat.
We're Star Wars fans.
- 909. - You're Star Wars fans?
- 910. Shit. Why didn't you say so, man?
- 911. You think that's cool,
check this shit out. Look.
- 912. Entire right side, Rebel Alliance.
- 913. "Do or do not. " That's funny.
- 914. Check this out. Episode I.
- 915. Fu-Schnickens.
- 916. That guy's gonna be
the shit. I tell you.
- 917. - Wow.
- Right? You like that?
- 918. - I had them do that pose. I thought it was funny.
- That is awesome.
- 919. - You guys are all right.
- So, we're all hunky-dory?
- 920. - We're all copacetic?
- Well, if the word " copacetic" means...
- 921. I'm gonna rip off your tongue and
lick your ass with it, then yeah...
- 922. - we're copacetic.
- 923. - Windows, now!
- It was lovely to meet you.
- 924. Thank you so much for listening.
- 925. - Go, go, go!
- Balloons? You thought that was gonna stop 'em?
- 926. - Grab the princess.
- Come on, Zoe!
- 927. - Get off me. I'm not speaking to you.
- Seriously. We gotta go now!
- 928. Why are we running? What did you do?
- 929. They're everywhere! They're everywhere!
- 930. You're going the wrong way!
- 931. Yeah!
- 932. That's him! He's the
one who destroyed Khan.
- 933. You called Han Solo a bitch, man!
- 934. Han Solo is a bitch.
- 935. No one calls...
- 936. Han Solo a bitch!
- 937. - Go, go, go!
- Go, go, go!
- 938. Why are we running?
- 939. - Go! Come on!
- What is going on?
- 940. You stop this van, you little sons
of bitches! I'm gonna kill you!
- 941. This is not copacetic. You stop!
- 942. Zoe, hit him with the pressed ham!
- 943. Yeah!
- 944. - Yeah!
- 945. Nailed it.
- 946. Linus? Jesusl
- 947. - Where'd he go?
- Did he fall out?
- 948. Chewie. I call Chewie.
- 949. Dr. Richardson to Trauma
2. Dr. Richardson, Trauma 2.
- 950. Your friend's awake.
- 951. - Uh, cool. Can we see him?
- 952. But first we need to have a little talk.
- 953. Linus tells me that you're
on some sort of a road trip.
- 954. - Uh, yeah, up to San Francisco.
- Well, not anymore, fellas.
- 955. The only place he's
going is back to Ohio.
- 956. - We can't do that.
- Just what's so important in San Francisco?
- 957. - Uh, he...
- Star Wars.
- 958. Star Wars?
- 959. Look, he is very, very sick
and he needs to go home.
- 960. No.
- 961. Guys, we can't... we can't do
this now. We can't give up now.
- 962. Not when we're so close.
- 963. Linus, it's just a movie.
- 964. Yeah, maybe it is. Maybe
it is. You know what?
- 965. To most people, Star Wars
is just a movie, right?
- 966. - Not to us!
- We just spoke to the doctor.
- 967. Screw that doctor! Screw...
Screw all those people!
- 968. Did-Did they ever get their... their heads
stuck in a bucket trying to be Darth Vader?
- 969. - I mean, I don't think so. No.
- 970. Did they ever singe their eyebrows
trying to make a lightsaber?
- 971. No way. Did they name
their right hand Leia?
- 972. Who knows? Yes, they could have.
- 973. - But you know who did?
- 974. Yes, you did. So did I. So did you.
- 975. - We all did.
- You guys are freaking sick. You know that?
- 976. This is our Death Star, man.
- 977. And I don't know about you, guys, but
I'm not running away from this one.
- 978. - Me neither.
- Screw it. I named both my hands Leia.
- 979. What the hell are you doing?
Do you know who this is?
- 980. It's that way.
- 981. Jailbreakl Jailbreakl
- 982. What's going on?
- 983. - Hold it right there!
- No, uh, please...
- 984. You're our only hope.
- 985. Take two of these every three hours.
- 986. Oh, my God.
- 987. - I love you.
- I know.
- 988. Yeah!
- 989. Mmm.
- 990. Nothing worse than a locked shitter
when you got to turd, am I right?
- 991. Seriously, man.
- 992. That is it, man! I don't
wanna do this anymore!
- 993. Why not? What'd I tell you,
sweet and womanly, right?
- 994. Womanly?
- 995. - Make sure you go tell your friends.
- I'll be back.
- 996. Bam, bam, bam! Hyah! Wanna try that?
- 997. Start the car! Start the van!
- 998. Hi!
- 999. - Let's do it! Let's do it!
- Oh, my Godl
- 1000. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- 1001. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- 1002. Shut up, manl It was a hundred
miles agol Stop living in the pastl
- 1003. Oh, my Godl
- 1004. Lucas Valley Road. We
gotta steal that sign, guys.
- 1005. Zoe, how we looking out there?
- 1006. One guard manning the booth.
Couple civvies roaming about.
- 1007. - Nothing we can't handle.
- All right, fellas, " X" marks our target.
- 1008. Level " C" editing bays. It's our
best chance for finding the rough cut.
- 1009. Excellent. Okay. Once we've
breached the front gate...
- 1010. we're gonna be off on foot, so we're gonna
have to take a shortcut at this wall here.
- 1011. And you know what that means.
- 1012. Are you shitting... Grappling hook?
- 1013. I can do this.
- 1014. - Get up.
- Windows, how's it look up there?
- 1015. Windows, make sure there are no cameras.
- 1016. Can you see anything?
- 1017. All right, one, two...
- 1018. - Oh, Jesus!
- Windows, Jesusl
- 1019. Owl
- 1020. - Okay.
- Wait. There he is. Good man. Good man.
- 1021. Let's go. Follow my
lead. Follow my lead.
- 1022. Get down. Stay low. The ninja roll.
- 1023. Guys, get down!
- 1024. - Jackass.
- Guys, wait for me.
- 1025. I hate running.
- 1026. This is like the most exercise
you guys have gotten all year.
- 1027. This is the one Shatner
said would be open.
- 1028. A breach in Skywalker security.
- 1029. Wow. Okay, we're in.
- 1030. I feel like we're in
a Scooby-Doo episode.
- 1031. Go, go, go, go.
- 1032. - Hutch?
- 1033. Your ass still smells
like ham and cheese.
- 1034. Sweet. That way.
- 1035. Wow.
- 1036. Shatner, don't fail us now, right?
- 1037. Whoa.
- 1038. Yeah!
- 1039. - Oh, my God.
- No way.
- 1040. We're home, boys.
- 1041. See, that's what I call a collection.
- 1042. This is where I want my ashes scattered.
- 1043. Oh!
- 1044. - " Help me, Obi
- Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope. "
- 1045. They've got Indy stuff.
- 1046. Thermal detonator.
- 1047. I think I'm gonna cry.
- 1048. Hey. They got Willow's spell book!
- 1049. You know, Willow? Little guy?
- 1050. Magical... "Kaiya. "
- 1051. Who cares about Willow?
- 1052. Look at this.
- 1053. "Throw me the idol. "
- 1054. Guys, look at this.
"We've got bad dates. "
- 1055. One kaddam for the Hebrew god.
- 1056. We have a breach in the archive
room. Breach in the archive room.
- 1057. You know, no matter how
you felt about the guy...
- 1058. Vader embraced his fate.
- 1059. He faced death head-on.
- 1060. No one moves.
- 1061. Subjects have been
located. Requesting backup.
- 1062. Please step away from Lord Vader.
- 1063. Dude, what's up with the outfits?
- 1064. Company policy.
- 1065. You wanna work here,
you gotta wear the suit.
- 1066. Carl, you make us wear the suit.
- 1067. - Run? -
Run. - Run.
- 1068. - Zoe!
- Just go!
- 1069. - I'm not leaving without her.
- What, are you crazy? It's three against onel
- 1070. Never tell me the odds.
- 1071. There can be only one.
- 1072. Time for you to get mauled, boy.
- 1073. I'm good.
- 1074. - Go!
- Let's go!
- 1075. Man downl Man downl
- 1076. Stop! Don't move!
- 1077. Run!
- 1078. Subjects are fleeing
to the west corridor!
- 1079. - Go, go, go!
- 1080. Go, go!
- 1081. Come on!
- 1082. Hmm. Yoda says going up you are.
- 1083. - In!
- Get in! Get your ass in there!
- 1084. - Hurry!
- Let's go!
- 1085. Move it! Over there!
- 1086. Over there! Let's go!
- 1087. That was awesome!
- 1088. Where the hell are we?
- 1089. I have a bad feeling about this.
- 1090. Um, you guys don't think that the, um...
- 1091. We are in George Lucas's trash room.
- 1092. Don't be ridiculous, okay? The
walls are not gonna close in on us.
- 1093. - Holy...
- 1094. - Let's fortify the walls with this.
- Do it!
- 1095. - Um, girls?
- Goddamn you, walls!
- 1096. Girls!
- 1097. That'd be the air duct.
- 1098. - And that there's the exit.
- Yeah, the exit.
- 1099. - And you guys are the big pussies.
- I knew.
- 1100. " 3PO! We're all right!"
- 1101. Guys, this way!
- 1102. - Yikes!
- Check in here.
- 1103. This one's clear.
- 1104. Damn it, shut up!
- 1105. I think we lost 'em, right?
- 1106. Yeah, we lost them for now, but we
cannot run around this place all night.
- 1107. Guys!
- 1108. We're in the motherboard. We're in.
- 1109. - George Lucas's office.
- George Lucas's office!
- 1110. Holy shit. Oh, wow. We're... We're...
- 1111. - Oh, my God.
- We're in the motherboard.
- 1112. You guys need to see this. You
guys need to see this. Look.
- 1113. Holy Hothl
- 1114. - I think this is it. I think this is it.
- Oh, my God.
- 1115. Play it. Play it.
- 1116. Hey, get over here. Come on.
- 1117. The crawl!
- 1118. The crawll
- 1119. Oh, my God.
- 1120. Come on! Come on!
- 1121. - Here you are.
- 1122. That hooker in Vegas gave me something.
- 1123. What?
- 1124. The truth.
- 1125. I'm in love with you and, uh...
- 1126. I love you too.
- 1127. Stand back.
- 1128. - Okay, on your feet!
- 1129. - Yeah! Come on up! On your feet!
- Get on outta here! Come on!
- 1130. Nowl Get on your feetl
- 1131. Yeah, get on your feet! Who
the hell are these people?
- 1132. - And line up against the wall, all of youl
- Back against the wall!
- 1133. Get up! What are you talkin' about? Hey!
- 1134. Step away from the Millennium
Falcon and line up against the wall.
- 1135. - Now!
- 1136. - Oh, God.
- Linus, what are you doing, man?
- 1137. I'm feeling crazy right now.
- 1138. - Dude, do you have any idea how valuable that thing is?
- Not a good idea.
- 1139. Put it down. Come on. Put it down nowl
- 1140. You guys stand up against the wall, or I
will smash this thing into a billion pieces!
- 1141. I will. I will smash thisl
- 1142. - No.
- What, you think I won't?
- 1143. - No, I don't.
- No, you don't, you think that I won't...
- 1144. or, no, you don't,
you think that I will?
- 1145. - The first one.
- I'm confused. Who's doing what now?
- 1146. - You tell me.
- It doesn't matter.
- 1147. Because if he puts down the Millennium
Falcon, I will smash this training remote...
- 1148. erasing it from history.
- 1149. - Come on, guys. Let's rethink this.
- Shut up, Windows!
- 1150. - Who's doing what?
- Put down the Millennium Falcon and the training remote...
- 1151. or I will destroy this puppet.
- 1152. - Craig! You can't!
- Shut up, Barry.
- 1153. - Put down Master Yoda!
- You put yours down, damn it!
- 1154. I can't do it!
- 1155. - All right, everybody shut up!
- 1156. Swear to God, this little ewok
is going up in flames! I'll do it.
- 1157. - Do it. Go ahead. Burn it.
- I will.
- 1158. - Yeah, burn it.
- Guys, nobody wants this.
- 1159. - I will.
- Burn it. Burn it.
- 1160. - I'm gonna. That's what I said!
- Burn it!
- 1161. Good. I was always more
of a Star Trek fan anyway.
- 1162. Damn Trekkies are everywhere!
- 1163. All right, we'll take it from
here. Sir, give me the Falcon.
- 1164. - I can't believe I let you guys get me into this.
- Shut up!
- 1165. How you guys doing? You guys doing good?
- 1166. So let me get this right.
- 1167. You guys wanted to see
our movie early for free.
- 1168. So you broke into private property, huh?
- 1169. - And you tried to
steal it. - L-I...
- 1170. I haven't even seen the movie yet!
- 1171. Sir, I understand that this looks bad...
- 1172. It looks like three-to-five-years,
locked-up, for-breaking-and-entering bad.
- 1173. That's right, sweet cheeks. By the
time y'all walk away from this...
- 1174. your faces are gonna be
shrunken and shriveled...
- 1175. just like your one nut.
- 1176. What? How can he possibly know that?
- 1177. Oh, we know about your uniball.
- 1178. We know everything, Mr. Harold
Hutchinson, a. K. a. Hutch.
- 1179. Son of Gloria. Humongous Rush fan.
- 1180. Dude, you're freaking me
out. How do you know this?
- 1181. Because you have a
Rush shirt on, dipshit.
- 1182. And because we have a dossier
on every single one of you.
- 1183. No one move!
- 1184. Get your hands off the glass table.
- 1185. Hello, Mr. Lucas.
- 1186. Shut up! Shut your mouths.
- 1187. - Yes.
- I can hear his beard.
- 1188. Yes. Shut up. Mm-hmm.
- 1189. I don't wanna say that it was a hole in my
security, but... How did you guys break in?
- 1190. - I used a grappling hook...
- And we climbed...
- 1191. - Was William Shatner involved with this?
- No. Not at all.
- 1192. They said no. No. No
one was hurt. Not yet.
- 1193. Mm-hmm.
- 1194. Okay. Very well.
- 1195. Damn it. I've just been told that what
I said earlier I no longer believe.
- 1196. Hmm?
- 1197. Mr. Lucas is touched and mildly
flattered by what you have done here.
- 1198. And I have been informed
that I feel the same way.
- 1199. So the charges are gonna be dropped.
- 1200. That is, of course, if you are...
- 1201. what you appear to be.
- 1202. Uh, what do we appear to be?
- 1203. Fanboys. Something we can easily
determine with a simple quiz.
- 1204. What is the name of the planet
that Leia gave Grand MoffTarkin...
- 1205. as the false location of
the rebel base in Episode IV?
- 1206. - Dantooine.
- What is the name of the gunner in Luke's snow speeder?
- 1207. - Dak. - Where is a
woman's g-spot located?
- 1208. - What?
- If you were to ask a woman to perform a Mississippi handbag...
- 1209. where would your testicles end up?
- 1210. That's not a Star Wars question.
- 1211. I didn't say the nipples. I said
the little bumps around the nipples.
- 1212. Yar... Arr...
- 1213. That is not a Louisiana pile driver.
- 1214. But you wouldn't know about
that, would you? Hmph. Virgin.
- 1215. Virgin.
- 1216. Areola borealis?
- 1217. Near the-the, um, bumps?
- 1218. That's what you do. You aim
for the eye, grab the lip...
- 1219. lead her around the
room... blinding the marlin.
- 1220. God, you're sexy and
well-versed. I like it.
- 1221. Okay. Guards!
- 1222. - Okay, that's it.
- That's what happens. Okay, I got it. All right.
- 1223. - I'm good.
- 1224. Congratulations. Mr. Lucas has
decided to drop the charges.
- 1225. So, what? We're free to go, right?
- 1226. Well, not exactly. He says
you can watch the film.
- 1227. What? We can watch the movie?
- 1228. Hold it. Hold it. Only you.
- 1229. It's good, man. It's right.
- 1230. Chewie.
- 1231. - That's not bad.
- Thanks, man.
- 1232. There's something I
need to... I should...
- 1233. probably tell you before, uh...
- 1234. Before I'm gone.
- 1235. You could say it. I
won't hold it against you.
- 1236. I just... I wish I could...
- 1237. change these last three years, you know.
- 1238. You know, I wouldn't want you to.
- 1239. You gotta keep the flaws.
- 1240. Crappy effects.
- 1241. Real puppets.
- 1242. That's what makes it so good, you know?
- 1243. Yeah.
- 1244. This was never about the movie.
- 1245. You know, this was, uh...
this was about all of us.
- 1246. Hey.
- 1247. Look at us. We're together
again, freezing our nuts off.
- 1248. No teaming upl That's a rulel
- 1249. You're such dicks!
- 1250. - Both of you are dicks!
- I'm gonna go save him.
- 1251. - Please.
- You coming?
- 1252. No, I'm good right here.
- 1253. All right, man.
- 1254. I'm good right here.
- 1255. Guys, it's time.
- 1256. That better be your lucky R2 poking me.
- 1257. Nope. My penis.
- 1258. You guys are gross.
- 1259. Any, uh... Any sign of Hutch?
- 1260. - Talk to me.
- It's me. Where the hell are you?
- 1261. I'm just finishing up
at the garage here, man.
- 1262. - Shake a leg, ya bastard. We're saving your place.
- All right.
- 1263. Okay!
- 1264. Yes! That's awesome. That's awesome.
- 1265. - Hey!
- Hey! Oh, my God!
- 1266. Right at the buzzer.
- 1267. Yeah!
- 1268. Excuse me. Are you Eric Bottler?
- 1269. Yeah.
- 1270. - We just got your new comic.
- 1271. - Thanks, guys. I appreciate that.
- I don't.
- 1272. I think it's quite shoddy.
- 1273. - Worst series ever.
- Total Lucas rip-off!
- 1274. - The artwork is neophyte.
- At best.
- 1275. - What's up, my nerds?
- 1276. Why don't you ask the man for an
autograph? Ask the man for an autograph!
- 1277. Do it!
- 1278. " You are a douche bag.
- 1279. Love, Eric Bottler. " Here you go.
- 1280. All right, let's move it,
Boba Fags. End of the line.
- 1281. - Move it! Let's go!
- Chaz, what the hell are you doing here, man?
- 1282. Ah, come on, bro. It's the Wars.
- 1283. I love that about you.
- 1284. Look at you, C-3Penis Face.
How'd you pull that trim?
- 1285. - Doctor.
- 1286. - Smart man.
- Thank you, sir.
- 1287. They're good. There you go.
- 1288. - Hey, you guys. To Linus.
- Yeah, to Linus.
- 1289. - Hey, you guys.
- What, man?
- 1290. What if the movie sucks?